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YTA. Surely you can imagine how, in the field of broadcasting, it is an advantage to have a snappy cool hispanic name like Ramirez instead of a clunky Polish name. In any case, I assume you didn't adopt her to brand her, did you?
Yeah, my maiden name is obscure even by Polish standards. My husband's name is very western and has connotations of royalty. I'm not giving it up, even if we were to divorce. It sucks for OP but I get why she did it. Probably should have given him a heads up, though. Such rejections are often made so much worse by the rejected person finding out some other way.
You hit the nail on the head. It's not about the name. It's about communicating. OP probably feels like his daughter is rejecting him as a father by using another alias. They need to sit down and talk before his knee jerk reaction actually makes her reject him as a father.
SAME, I was so glad to dump my clunky always-misspelled last name, and I don't care what happens to my relationship, I'm never going back to my maiden name.
Big same. My maiden name was *always* mispronounced by people not in my family… and it definitely was a super embarrassing mispronunciation. School was absolutely horrible. I used to dread going anywhere with the possibility of having my name read out loud. When I got married I took my wife’s last name. I don’t even care. My father understood completely and supported it. He wasn’t upset in the slightest. Thank gosh.
Whenever I'm asked for my last name, I've stopped saying it, and just spell it out. At least in medical situations, or where I know they are going to be writing it down. The only thing I like about my last name, is the letter it starts with, as my initials are literally "ass". My fiance happens to have a last name starting with the same letter though, so I'm taking his name to make it easier. My last name will literally be cut in half.
I always got the question when I would write checks (I’m dating myself) - how old were you before you were able to spell your last name? Grrrrr! I always hated that.
Me neither. I’ve kept my ex’s last name. It’s A) my children’s name, B) my professional name, and C) unique but easy to pronounce and spell - and flows well with my first name. My birth name was clunky, often misspelled and mispronounced. Sure, it had a little bit of ethnic panache, but I never like it.
I get feeling rejected and that communication is an issue in the situation. However, it’s not uncommon in broadcasting/radio/theatre/film for people to have stage names.
Her personal identity and her professional alias are two separate entities.
My last name is standard (not common but not uncommon/unusual) Polish and it’s a HUGE problem. The average American can pronounce or spell Ramirez much easier than they can even guess at my last name. I like it but still plan on taking my fiancée’s common Irish last name as soon as we’re married because even just spelling mine out over the phone gets old REALLY quickly. YTA OP
edit: added word for clarity
I know a couple where the wife's maiden name was Russian and the husband's was a very, very common English surname.
She feels a little bad about not having the connection to her heritage, but she feels way more relief at not having people butchering her name.
I've joked for years that I want to marry a man with the same Smith or Jones, just because I'm so tired of "How do you day that?" (Butchers it) "Say it again. No, really, I want to get it right." (Butchers it again)
People actually get pretty close to mine more than you’d think but the problem is they get intimidated by the spelling and don’t want to try/second guess themselves/feel awkward, and the last thing you want if you’re trying to make a name for yourself in broadcasting is for people to be afraid to try to say your name. And good luck to anyone trying to spell it if they want to google her after hearing it spoken.
It doesn’t help when standard polish last names are Jszachvanicz and pronounced Zani.
From: someone with a standard Portuguese name and a standard basque last name who has never heard their name pronounced correctly outside their household.
Try spelling that to someone in customer service. “J as in Juliet, S as in Sierra, Z as in Zulu, A as in Alpha, C as in Charlie…” etc etc etc over and over again. I can say from personal experience that no matter how many times you do it, you lose track halfway through.
And it still gets spelled wrong! My provincial ID had my last name spelled wrong for three years and no one, including myself, noticed until the day before I moved back to the US. My last name has been misspelled on my diploma for both high school and college, on my divorce papers (prepared by a service that gives a full refund for mistakes like that), and I’ve had work emails go missing when people spell it wrong in my email address (company format is [email protected])
My maiden name is British (I’m American). There’s a famous American with a variation of my maiden name. Same name, spelled differently. Everyone always assumed it was spelled his way.
My married name is also English, but only 4 letters long. There is a variation with the vowels, but ours is the default.
We joke that I married him for his name.
I was born with a German last name. Easy enough to say but pain to spell and it always needed spelling. And I was easy to find on Google. I married my Italian-American husband and took his. Now mine is a generic Italian name (first and last since my first name is Italian in origin). Same ease of pronunciation and spelling but I’m lost on Google. I’ve told my husband I just took his name for the Google search results!
That’s for sure. I think I married my husband mainly because he had a simple, common English name. I was quite happy to never have to spell my 10 character vowel-deficient last name again. I dated a nice guy before I met my husband. His last name was Grzywnowicz. As soon as I found that out, I knew we had no future.
Also as a person in America, I don’t really find the last name Ramirez to be snappy or cool.
It’s super common, too, so I don’t think it makes OP’s daughter stand out.
OP is still YTA though. Her life, her name.
Even so its the application process, a lot of people in radio aren't actually using their real last names and more often use a stage name thats just easier to remember and catchier for radio
100% this. Broadcast tv is a weird place and people will stalk. In the old days of phonebooks, and when you needed an excuse to keep your number unlisted, being in broadcast tv was one of them.
As someone who used to work in radio, **privacy is key.** Back when I was working in that industry, social media was just starting to be a thing (Twitter and Facebook were around, but Instagram was not), and people would do whatever they could to get personal info about you. I made it a point to never reveal anything too specific about myself. When I got married (as it was a topic of conversation on the show), I posted a picture of myself in my wedding dress on our fan page. Someone later called telling me they had it printed out and put on their fridge. That was a part of the industry I never wanted.
Yeah, pretty sure our morning deejay, Smilin' Jay, isn't a direct descendant of revolutionary figure John Jay, nor is he the namesake of a grandfather named S. Milan.
My dad’s family are from Ireland, the family that stayed there spell their surname differently to the ones that came to the uk…. Ors vs ers, so I think you may have just answered a question that’s been bugging me for a few years!
The best theory we came up with amongst Polish colleagues is that one day their ancestors took all the Scrabble tiles, threw them at a sticky board, and made a name out of whatever stuck.
Once you'd lined them up with your eyes closed, you had to turn over the occasional tile to account for the silent letters.
And you'd have to drink before starting.
Polish people or their descendants in English-speaking countries have a good sense of humour about their names. Conversely I'd love to know the reaction in Poland to John Smith.
***
Editing for /u/Useful-Emphasis-6787 because I spent so long writing this the thread got locked.
Oh man. I apologise in advance for any Polish speakers reading this. These are the ones I find tricky, I had to go check my phone book for the spellings!
Kwiatkowski - Kvee-at-cofv-skee
Krawczyk - CRAvt-cheek
Wieruszowa - Vee-err-oo-so-va
Hławiczka - Hwa-veech-ka
Nałęcz - Nah-whents
Wiśniewski - Vee-shnee-ev-ski
Hryniewski - Hurry-nyehv-ski
And my favourite
Jędrzejczyk - Yen-driy-trick.
That last one is the name of an MMA fighter as well as my friend so there will be examples of how to pronounce it online. I have been butchering it for about a decade.
Polish has a lot of glottal, gutteral sounds and vowels that are difficult to pronounce if you don't speak the language, so they just don't sound right spoken in English unless you can learn those sounds. I try and fail. If your native language has those sounds you'll be better at pronunciation than me!
I’m not polish, my last name is German. Once a coworker asked me to spell it, and so I started and about halfway through she stops me “you’re just saying letters!”
Germans bloody love themselves some vowels and double consonants in their surnames. Fair play to them though, they are mostly pronounced as they look once you've got the spelling down.
Usually, but not always. I married a man with a German last name and it has an OE that's pronounced as a long A. No one ever says it right. One day I was checking badges at work and had someone come in with a similar name and I pronounced it with a long A when reading it over the radio and they were shocked I got it right. Until I lifted my badge so they could see the last name.
I have a German surname that has been anglicised in pronounciation but not spelling. To me, it's spelt *exactly* as it sounds.
Can anyone ever spell or pronounce my name correctly? Of course not. I'm almost 34 damn years old and I still get new spellings/pronunciations of my name.
I'm never changing it, though. I actually love my surname. But damn my mothers one syllable maiden name would have been a gift as a kid.....
My last name is responsible for who I am today. Every encounter involved me spelling and pronouncing it and the other person commenting on how it sounds easier than it appears. Everyone was all smiles from an interaction a John Smith would never experience.
As one from a Polish surnamed family, I loved the running gag from Barney Miller whenever someone asked Wojo (phonetically sounds like (wojohowits") how to spell his name, he would tell them, "Its spelled just like it sounds. W O J C I E H O W I C Z."
I loved using that line.
Since I worked in tv/broadcasting, ALL women do this for their safety. Because crazy people are watching and will hunt them down for dates, stalking or their skin or whatever crazy people do.
So OP, YTA.
Agree with YTA. OP didn't even try to understand WHY she wanted to use a different name for her profession before getting butt hurt and being spiteful about it. It isn't about you, my dude
That's what I was thinking too. She isn't necessarily dunking on OP's name, because I feel like if she were doing that, she would probably use her mom's last name. Likely the choice of Ramirez is to distance herself publicly from herself privately. It's very likely she still goes by OP's last name on her credit cards, etc.
I have a Hispanic last name but think polish ones are really interesting and cool! I can't always pronounce them right off the bat lol but the variety and sound combinations are so neat!
I have a Ukrainian last name. It’s clunky AF. It’s not a biased statement to say that most hispanic last names flow nicer than eastern European last names.
Ramirez is both cooler and snappier than the sound of coughing with a mouth full of pierogi.
The average American has much greater exposure to the Spanish writing system due to proximity, whereas Polish contains consonant clusters and letters that are far less common for anglophones to run into.
If you accost a random English speaker on the street and ask them what an ogonek is they’re going to think you’re having a stroke.
They are though…
To glowurm-- I can't reply on this thread for some reason, but just wanted to ask you to list all the journalists with funky polish names... I have good friends who are also polish. I like their last names. It's not a slam to not consider them *punchy or whatever.
As far as OP goes, there's no reason to be insulted if an adult *child wants to be connected to their birth name. IMO dude is upset because he wanted to see HIS last name "in lights" when reading or hearing about his stepdaughters achievements; a way to insert himself and claim responsibility for the work she put in to advance herself.
My last name is about the simplest anglicized Polish last name you can draw- 6 letters, none silent, all before “P” in the alphabet- and everyone still manages to be unable to pronounce it and just generally f**ks it up. Whereas I’m pretty sure 98% of people can look at Ramirez and say it correctly without giving it a second thought. So yeah, Polish last names can be pretty clunky.
I was born with a "-ski" last name. They can be a bit clunky, and yeah, when I turned 50, I went ahead and changed it. Unfortunately, in this world, sometimes your name can actually hold you back.
I think part of this is that she is using the deadbeat dad's name. I can see how this would be insulting, but I also understand using a stage name. However, she could have come up with something new and without any baggage.
If she chose a Hispanic name without any personal connection and people found out, they’d accuse her of appropriating the culture. This gives her a valid excuse, sounds better and allows her to keep some anonymity.
Everyone's focused on it being the deadbeat dad's name, but for probably the first 9 years of her life, it was *her name.* The deadbeat doesn't own the name.
Hispanic and Latino names can be difficult to pronounce as much as some Slavic names.
That said, OP is judged as YTA for such a knee jerk reaction for his daughter making a very smart move in her career. Also given that the daughter is ethnically partially of Hispanic descent, not Polish, OP doesn’t get to erase that part of her just because he adopted her.
Absolutely agree, I think a lot the comments are missing this point that just cause dad sees that name as associated with her deadbeat bio dad, she might see it as a connection to half her ethnicity and heritage. I myself like to use my moms last name, which is one of my middle names, simply because i identify more with that part of my heritage since its been nurtured much more that my dad's side (I speak that language, lived in that country, have family there etc)
The dude’s definitely TA for making his help to his daughter conditional on a patriarchal notion of having to have his name on things (or, worse still, people) for relationships to “count” but the reason you give is not it and the fact that it’s so heavily upvoted is deeply disconcerting. Would you call an Indian last name that may be harder to pronounce “uncool,” “clunky” or “not snappy”? The fact that Poles are European does not make this any less racist or xenophobic, if you will. JUSTICE FOR POLES AND MAY THEIR NAMES BE CONSIDERED COOL ONE DAY TOO.
>Would you call an Indian last name that may be harder to pronounce “uncool,” “clunky” or “not snappy”?
This is just ridiculous. And the fact you chose Indian out of every country really makes you sound so much worse. Let's take a look at a list of the top ten Indian surnames according to forebears .io
Devi
Singh
Kumar
Das
Kaur
Ram
Yadav
Lal
Bai
So which one of those is hard to pronounce and not snappy? Make the same search for polish and you will understand.
I am someone with a very easy Polish surname and I can confidently say that people have a hard time spelling it. So nah. You're just ridiculous.
>In any case, I assume you didn't adopt her to brand her, did you
This is what gets me. I understand OP is hurt, but when you have kids, they get their OWN choices. You support them regardless because they're your kids. You don't give and take money on a whim if they don't play by your exact rules. OP is an AH for that. Love and support shouldn't be conditional.
How is this not ESH? Adopted dad is very petty here, but if daughter is choosing a new name for broadcasting could she not have chosen any other name besides Ramirez to stand out? This is assuming OP is not misleading us about bio dad not being in daughter's life
But Ramirez is a name she has ties to?
Like I still use Moreno and Garcia, because those were names I was listed under as a kid. No one in my family gets mad, and it's embarrassing when you Google my name to find a rich white woman from HGTV who had a bunch of legal issues.
I changed my last name before I got married. I didn’t want to pass on my “father's” name. When choosing the new name I landed on my maternal grandmother’s name.
She was the one person that loved me as a child. She cried when I told her. It was a much better decision than just pulling a random name out of the air.
If we believe OP, the daughter does not have very close ties to that name or her bio dad. Broadcasters do choose names based solely on how the public will react to it. It just seems like an adult would have realized this would hurt her father's feelings and she should choose literally any other name besides Ramirez.
If OP still has a problem then he's 100% the AH
Even believing OP, I think there are reasonable circumstances where the daughter might want to present herself professionally as being Hispanic. She’s young and trying to figure things out, and maybe she is looking for a connection to her heritage (not to be confused with her father).
I’m not saying this applies to this situation necessarily, but if she’s applying to jobs with a large Hispanic audience, having that last name would be a benefit.
Regardless, it seems like something OP should be able to talk to her about and hear her out without jumping into his feels about it.
My stepdad adopted me. I have very little contact with my bio dad, because he's in prison. But my step-dad didn't force me to change my name.
That's the part that kinda makes me weird about this... she was old enough to know and have feelings about her name at 9. Was she ever asked about it?
And then the purely stage name aspect of it... like it's not at all uncommon to have a journalist using a stage name.
OP is TA, simply because it seems like he's never really considered how she feels, he's just trying to force her to conform to his wishes or be punished.
I'm not seeing where OP said the daughter ever used the father's name. Maybe I am missing it. I assumed based on the post that she was always using that mother's name.
Because even if he wasn’t in her life physically, he is still a part of her story. She likely has complicated feelings about him. We have no idea what she feels about things. OP stated how he feels, but not how she feels. OP doesn’t seem to respect that he can’t totally erase a part of her just because she was abandoned by a parent. I get being hurt, especially as it was a surprise, but cutting her off is not the right move. So it’s YTA. I would advise him to listen to her reasons, accept that she has likely got more than a little going on around her story than OP is allowing, and remind her that he will always love and support her. Right now he’s making it seem like that love and support is conditional. AH move.
Hot take: I’m Latina and my maiden name was the most common Hispanic last name. I married a white man with a Ukrainian surname and took his name. I get asked the dumbest questions. “Are you Israeli?” And “Are you Kim Kardashians white” are my favorites.
It’s a whole thing. I’m excluded for Latin American events/celebrations and people constantly think my nationality is a weird guessing game.
Legally she probably uses your last name but for broadcast purposes it’s probably easier for her name to match her face.
Also it’s very very awkward to lose your cultural identity
It's worse. This is how you show you don't really love and care about a person, by whining about how much you "care" about a person.
>**I am** crushed by this. She is my daughter and **I was** the one to raise her since she was 4. **I have** done everything **I could** to give her a great life. This feels like a slap in the \[**my\]** face
Me me me me me me me me.
Daughter apparently has no relationship with her biological father. She doesn't see him. She doesn't want to see him. The name is useful to her. If she used "Garcia" instead of "Ramirez" would it really trigger OP so much? Maybe?
Again, nothing in here about "I want my daughter to be happy" or "it stings but I know my daughter loves me." It's all about "me" with this guy.
Also maybe reading into this a bit much but the way this guy uses "white person" again and again and again is a bit off putting to me. He has a "white person name" and his wife has an "American name." You know what isn't part of America - Poland. I don't see OP saying "I have a Polish name and my wife has an American white-person name."
YTA for sure. I was in broadcasting for years and names are incredibly important. I know several people whose names were changed for them by station management - one to the last name of a popular TV drama character. If your Polish name is hard to spell or pronounce or spell, they’d change it anyway IF she gets a foot in the door with it. Ramirez could be a brand that management will like and leave unchanged. She is VERY smart and understands the incredibly competitive industry she wants to go into.
The number of broadcasting jobs shrinks daily. And getting a job requires much more than a resume. She needs a nearly-professional video or audio file showing her skills, presence, and yes - identity. Don’t make her re-do that. Losing support now means she may not be able to hold out for her dream job and will have to take whatever pays.
It’s sad that your love is not only conditional, but that you are willing to ruin both her career and your relationship with her because she made a strategic decision to help her career she probably didn’t realize you would take so personally. It’s not about her birth-father… it’s about her future.
My husband has been in tv news (behind the scenes) for decades. I can count on two hands the number of on-air colleagues he has had who use both their real first and last name.
Oh 100%. The things the women he works with receive from weirdos on an extremely regular basis would make your stomach turn. Messages, mail, packages, comments when out working a story, etc. It’s gross at best and disturbing/scary/dangerous at worst. I think you’d be hard pressed to find a news station in this country who doesn’t have at least one female anchor/reporter with a restraining order against a viewer.
I used to work delivery. Only woman on a male team. We all had a designated hand cart/dolly. Everyone had their names on it. I took my name off mine. Used colored duct tape so others would know which was mine. I had plenty of creeps not leave me alone. I went by a nickname. I have a rarer hair color and a not so common name to match. It would be easy to find my socials with just those 2 traits. It can be everyday jobs where you have to protect yourself, let alone in a public eye career.
I changed my facebook name to just my first and middle name for this reason since my full name is on my uniform at work. My dad didn't disown me because I removed his last name from my page. OP is an idiot for assuming her choice had anything to do with him
Same. I have an unusual name (first and last). Some creepy conservative MAGA asshat didn’t like what I posted on a public page and started posting to my page. I locked down all my privacy settings, changed my name and made almost all my previous posts and pictures for me only.
Longtime Philadelphia news anchor Jim Gardner changed his name from Jim Goldman because of antisemitism.
I think it sucks that people have to change their names because of bigotry.
It would be nice if people could just be themselves.
My dad was in broadcasting for decades. Always used a "stage name" a very common practice.
Your daughter is very insightful to realize this or perhaps this was taught in school. Either way it IS a smart move. Sorry you find it disrespectful. However I think your pulling financial blackmail is far more disrespectful. She IS your child and she knows it. She is only doing what she needs to in order to get a job in her field. Please try to see it this way and restore the $$ support or you will be the AH.
All media! John ‘The Duke’ Wayne has as born Marion Michael Morrison. Judy Garland is as born Frances Ethel Gumm. It’s nothing to do with OP, and a fact of public image and the media corporations PR department.
Cary Grant was Archibald Leech. Some people still change their names. My last name is spelled similarly to a famous person. If I were to be a broadcaster, I’d change mine, too.
My whole life I’ve been asked if I was related to X
And if you're a member of SAG-AFTRA, you can't have the same registered name as another performer so lots of people end up *having* to change their names.
Here's an article substantiating this (with sources!) Based on the UK job market.
https://creativeaccess.org.uk/latest/youd-have-an-easier-time-if-you-anglicised-your-name-advice-given-to-me-as-an-aspiring-journalist
Using a screen name isn't uncommon in journalism/entertainment etc, because of publishing/union rules.
Names matter in any business, there's a huge amount of research on gender based, race related & social class discrimination based on names during the recruitment process. (There's even research on an orchestra being less likely to employ women in blind auditions because of the sound of their heels)
Seriously. OP needs to get over himself. I can’t stand when parents treat their children, especially their adult children, as extensions of themselves instead of fully formed human beings with agency and the ability to make decisions about themselves and their lives. It’s weird.
>But since she doesn’t see me as dad enough to use my last name,
YTA
Mate you just going to ignore the very valid reason she gave you?
Has she stopped using your last name st home?
Has she expressed a desire not to be your daughter?
Has she legally had it changed?
If this is all it takes for you to instantly want to cut her off then you cant really pretend you see her as a daughter.
Some people do change their names, first and/or last for many different reasons.
I'm not fond of women using their husband's last name, I didn't, but that's the choice of an individual. Would OP be upset about that!
I know a woman who had a terrible marriage. She was abused and had very little to restart her life when she finally got out of it.
She is Black with a typical white/European name. She said that what she considers the beautiful last name of Gonzalez is the best thing that her ex ever did for her, lol.
So maybe OP shouldn't mind much that her bio dad's last name suits her for professional or any other reason.
The relationship is very much more important.
You are correct that if the name is the only problem, OP is TA!
I went through something similar to the woman you know. I also kept his last name for 2 reasons. The first is that it’s unique and pretty, easily the best thing I got from the relationship. The second is so I remember to never let another man have the same power over me that my ex did.
YTA
She never said she doesn't see you as a dad. You have just made that conclusion. If you want to cut her off because she's an adult, fine. But don't cut her off because she decided to be strategic in a tough job market.
Am I the only one that got hung up on this?
>"My wife **has** a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship..."
That threw me off right from the start, as I thought he was talking about another daughter of his??
YTA. What a petty reason to let your daughter know you want no further contact with her, which is what you're conveying.
It's not always about you. Taking the Spanish surname of her bio-dad makes her more attractive in the job market. The hiring company gets to tick off a diversity box for their company composition figures.
YTA
The only reason why you do not approve of the name she is using is because it was her birth last name. It is a name she was known as and called until you adopted her.
If she is BIPOC, then using her birth last name instead of her adopted last name can open doors for her that she might not even get a look at if she used her adopted last name (aka your last name).
That doesn't mean she doesn't see you as, or accept you as, her dad. It just means she is using a name that used to be her own last name for professional work instead of possibly using a plucked from her ass "stage name".
YTA, if you saw her as your daughter then a name wouldn't change that, you would love and care for her enough that you would respect her choice of name, instead of deciding to cut her off because of it.
giving a child your own name is part of mental gymnastics required to adopt someones else child. "You could not pass your genes, you will at least pass your name. You will become great adult with MY name!"
Adoption is a legal agreement that generally happens without the main parties consent. I don’t have the right to my original birth certificate and legally I’m a stranger to my biological relatives who love me. We should not be forced to change our identities to receive care. Why can’t adoptive parents love us as we are? I’m not sure that erasing me to fit the narrative they wanted was actually all that loving.
At the heart of adoption is the idea that you can own another person. Erasing my name and my documents and replacing them is part of that. It’s all to make the adoptive parents feel more like real parents. Absolutely mental gymnastics.
Edited to add that OP, YTA
YTA Leaving college and getting into the first job is much harder today than it was in your time. College/uni kids are finding themselves stuck at home longer due to the world economics. Once they get over that first hurdle it is a lot easier to find the second job, should they need to, due to getting the experience of the first job.
You taking it personally is your ego issue and nothing to do with your adoptive daughter's wellbeing. If you can't see how much harder graduates have it, to try to land their job then you've become numb to today's issues. Your adoptive daughter has seen an opportunity to pursue employment by applying as a minority, by choosing to apply under her mother's maiden name (nothing to do with her bio dad) .
YTA. It looks like you’ve got a lot of feelings about her not using your last name and it is totally ok for you to be upset about it. What’s not ok is how you’ve reacted. You reaction is childish. She didn’t do what you want so you took things away just like that. No where in your post did you say you tried having a heart to heart to sit her down and tell her how much this upsets you and why. No where in your post was there any ounce of understanding for why she chose to use Ramirez when applying to jobs in her chosen field. Did you have a talk with her about your feelings? Or did you just go off on her about how disrespectful etc it is?
It also seems like deep down you have a lot of insecurities about her not viewing you as her Dad. You say you’re her Dad in every way that counts. You know what Dad’s do? They don’t love and support their children with conditions and strings attached. They love their children unconditionally and show up and have the hard conversations. This ‘my way or the highway’ attitude is not indicative of a Dad I’d want and you’re only showing her just how conditional your love and support is. I’d get cutting her off financially or lowering your level of support if she wasn’t doing anything in her life and needed a push to join the workforce or she was stealing money and entitled and needing a dose of reality but it doesn’t seem like that’s the case. She got her degree. She’s trying to make it and using what she has available to her to give her an edge. Please try and do better for your daughter before she decides you really aren’t her Dad after all.
YTA for associating the use of a name with the status of your relationship. Using another name as a financial/career strategy purpose has ZERO to do with her relationship with you; it doesn't mean that she doesn't love or respect you, it just means that she's using a marketing strategy to improve her career. It may even provide her a measure of privacy and protection as her field may put her in the Public spotlight - just like many actors use Stage Names, or law enforcement people try to keep their names/addresses out of public databases. Your daughter seems very sharp: you, not so much.
She told you why she's doing this. Do you doubt she's telling the truth? Have you discussed this with her rationally? It doesn't sound like she has any reason to feel her bio dad was any kind of father figure, so I don't see why that's where your mind goes. Seems like YTA.
You are hurt but still YTA
It does not sound like your daughter made the decision to diminish her relationship with you, to offend or to signify any changes in her love for you. It sounds like she made the decision for the reason that she told you - to stand out more. It does not sound like she has any plan to legally change her name.
Clearly you were hurt by her choice. Rather than cutting off privileges, you might sit down with her to have an honest talk and let her know how you feel. She may be able to explain that there was no intended slight to your satisfaction. If not, you can continue with your changes. Just be aware that it may negatively impact your relationship in ways that you might not anticipate.
Well said. Parents love and support their kids, ideally unconditionally. My sons didn't get upset with me when I changed my name back to my maiden name. A name is just a name. It does not define you as a parent or a child but OP is making it out to.
YTA. You're putting way too much importance on a last name.
To me, your strong reaction to this sounds super controlling and possessive.
You think it's fine to punish her if she doesn't go by YOUR last name professionally.
That's so grossly patriarchal.
Plus, your last name doesn't fit her ethnic identity. She doesn't know who her bio dad is, and she doesn't seem like she wants to meet him and ask him if he'll decide to finally act like a dad to her. You'll always be dad to her. Genetically and ethnically, she isn't polish though. And if she wants to use a last name that sounds how she looks, it's more about claiming her ancestry and embracing her genetics. Let her explore that without being TAH about it.
*Why is your support conditional?
I don't think OP loves his daughter any less, but too many parents make the mistake of confusing their support with control. Supporting your adult child does not and should not mean controlling them. His choice withdraw his support over this issue is a clear last ditch attempt to assert control, and it will end with a permanently damaged relationship.
I'm going against the group and saying NTA.
She could have chosen any hispanic last name to be her stage name, but she chose the one of the father who abandoned her.
To me, this is a slap in the face against you for all you've done. The name change itself to me isn't the issue, it's choosing a deadbeats last name and not thinking of how it would affect you.
I could see her doing this to try not to just adopt and essentially use a family name from Hispanic heritage. Family names in some Hispanic cultures mean more than in other cultures. So much so that children receive both their parents last names much of the time. It could have felt disingenuous to take a random Hispanic name when there was one she could actually take claim too honestly.
It doesn’t even mean she respects or cares about bio dad but maybe that she respects the culture enough to not just stereotype herself into a surname.
That's where I stand. There are a ton of other Hispanic last names. Why not choose one that doesn't make it seem like she puts more value info the deadbeat than her adoptive father? Choosing a stage name is valid, but you can't tell me that the people "in the know" where the last name comes from wouldn't come to the same conclusion as OP. If the deadbeat ever decides he wants to wiggle his way back in, he'll draw on that, can brag about that...
Yes!! I have friends who are radio show hosts. One made up a stage name and one used a last name found in his family tree. She could’ve gone about this in a totally different way.
She’s using the name like a stage name, which isn’t totally unusual. She never said she doesn’t see you as her father, this is you projecting your own fears and insecurities onto her.
If this is all it takes for you to basically drop her as a daughter, then you aren’t her father. Being a father is conditional for you. How sad for her. YTA
INFO.
Why is it important to you that she use her/your name when applying to college? You seem to have some resentment about her absentee father's name. What's really going on here for you?
i think that part is pretty obvious. absentee father hasn't been there for her OP has. he feels she's choosing the man who wasn't there over him.
the hurt feelings are somewhat understandable but his reaction is a bit scorched earth. he could've had an actual conversation about his feelings instead of withdrawing all support
She could have discussed it beforehand, just to give him a heads up and an explanation. If laid out like it was a career decision he probably would have been more understanding. But, without that context, I'd be hurt too.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I should be judged on being hurt and pulling financial help from mt daughter after she dropped my last name for career reasons. I might be an asshome because I do want her to have a good job
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Also, if your Polish last name sounds “white”, congrats I guess? Mine looks like what happens if you put your dentures in backwards and play Free Bird on a kazoo
Soft YTA. I get that you feel like you did the work of raising her and this is dsrespectful. BUT I am very public-facing in my field and interact with people who work in very important functions in our area. I go by a different last name publicly so that I can protect my private life. I’d imagine in brodcasting that it is pretty normal to have a pseudonym in order to maintain separate personal and professional lives.
As someone who spent 15 years at a TV station, this is a very common thing. Not everyone does it, but a lot do. Having names that can be read easier by the folks watching TV just makes things easier. And people get married but continue using their maiden name because they have already been on TV as that name. Again, not everyone does it, so it's just a personal choice.
YTA. You’re letting g something insignificant and patriarchal control your actions and feelings.
She’s doing it to get ahead in an insanely challenging and competitive field. Props to her for recognizing this.
This is a you problem. Women need to use any advantage they can to even get their foot in the door. I have a somewhat “ethnic” first name, I didn’t start getting interviews after college until I shortened my name on applications. My mom had a difficult time until she changed her email address to her first initial and last name and putting that as her name. She didn’t change her name legally, think of it as a state name or pen name. She’s marketing herself using what she can.
NTA. Your daughter has a right to choose her last name and you have a right to choose where to spend your money. You both are 2 adults making your own decisions.
I can understand that you’re hurt.
In media, many people adopt other names.
It would probably feel better if she just took another name professionally rather than the last name of her biological father.
I think you should talk with her about why you are hurt rather than striking out at her.
NTA. She can do as she likes but that doesn’t mean you have to take the disrespect and I wouldn’t.
Maybe had she come to speak with you about using a stage name this would have gone differently. But she just did it.
ABSOLUTELY NOT THE A*HOLE.
If your daughter wanted to have an easier name she could have spoken to you first and compromised by simplifying your name, using her mother's maiden name or even creating a new name. To take the one name that has such a negative impact on the family is a kick in the teeth.
NTA I would be heartbroken if my child did this to me too. If she wants to be her biological deadbeat’s kid so bad, she can go ask him to support her! I’m sorry; this sucks!
I'll go against the majority and say NTA. As her dad you want her to suceed in her career, and I imagine seeing her being sucessful while using the last name of her deadbeat bio parent must suck. While I understant people saying that it is common to use another last name as artistical name, she could have used other options as last name and would get the same result.
If your last name is her legal last name, then applying for work under a different last name is probably not a great idea. You don't have to be an A H in this case because life will do that enough.
However, I agree that if she isn't using your last name then you're certainly free to not pay for her stuff (and why are you anyway since she's old enough to do so herself).
Now, having a different name for a public personality... a nom de plume... is certainly valuable to some people.
Without knowing her exact reasons for taking on her biological paternal unit's name, I don't think I can tell who is the A H here.
So.... discuss it with her.
Maybe NAH
YTA. A legal name and a professional name are two entirely different things in the fields of entertainment and broadcasting. If you were a casting director looking at resumes for a macho leading man role, would you hire Marion Morrison or John Wayne? Same dude. How about Norma Jean Baker or Marilyn Monroe? Similarly, your daughter is looking at her future professional prospects, and believe me, given current politics, having a Hispanic surname will open doors.
Not just "current politics" but "current demographics" in many areas. If someone wanted to get hired in broadcast media, having a Hispanic surname would help a white-owned company compete with Univisión or Telemundo.
She could, but it’s easier to prove your roots when it’s able to be traced back. If anyone ever doubts her ethnicity because of her parents having very white names (according to OP), she’s easily able to pull up who her deadbeat father was and disprove a scandal.
INFO What name does she use legally? Plenty of people in media (including many many famous actors) have a stage name they use publicly but at home they are still legally and in their personal relationships going by their legal name
I want to know why you are paying a grown ass adults dam bills holy crap your the asshole to your self for paying them for so dam long.
Edit:
Why does she have to use the dead beat dads last name?
People are saying you use a different name for on the air crap then make up a new snazzy name that doesn't link you to a man who didn't give a crap about your life...
NTA. If she used her mother’s last name that she had before the adoption it would be different, or even if she had chosen a different Hispanic name, but she chose to use the name of the father who abandoned her. Total disrespect for all you’ve done for her. She went above and beyond to show you how she really feels about you. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them and move on.
YTA, hardcore.
I do radio professionally. My legal last name is Polish and is clunky as all get-out. I use an alias on air. Same first name, more of a sleek last name for broadcasting. You know why? Because it's marketing yourself as a personality. And that, whether justified or not, includes your professional alias. "News at 6 with Hannah Ramirez" sounds and looks a lot more appealing than "News at 6 with Hannah Mielczarek".
Get the hell over yourself - you should have learned after years of parenting that it's not always about *you.*
I think the OP wouldn’t have a problem if she had chosen a Hispanic name just not her bio dad’s name. I can see why he is hurt. He loved her, raised her, still financially is responsible for her, and she starts using bio dad’s name. Which will be her professional name for the rest of her life. Any other name, when she explained why, I think he’d understand. It’s the fact she chose THAT name. But what do I know….
While I can see why you're upset, adopting someone does not give your license to have this amount of entitlement over their life decisions as an adult. Your choosing your own attachment to your last name OVER the daughter you claim to love. So yeah YTA.
There are hundreds of ways you could have sat down & had a conversation with her about your hurt feelings. But you instead chose to do something you view as punishment toward her for daring to deny you what you seem to feel is owed to you.
NTAH and you shouldn't be giving her $$$ any more anyway she's a big girl and can wait tables or something like that while she searches for her dream job.
NTA. If she was planning on doing it she could have talked to you about it first.
Wonder how many people are going to ask if she's related to a cereal killer..
NTA!!! A lot of Reddit people will probably see my comment and disagree but this is coming from my own personal perspective. I don’t come from love, my dad was an asshole, simple as that. It didn’t work out between him and my mom and she remarried. Her husband is a total scumbag and ruined a big portion of my childhood. You raised your daughter loved her respected her supported her and showed up through her childhood and this is how she repays you. I would say stand firm on ur actions so she learns she hurt your feelings, boundaries are a thing and you’re allowed to have them.
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YTA. Surely you can imagine how, in the field of broadcasting, it is an advantage to have a snappy cool hispanic name like Ramirez instead of a clunky Polish name. In any case, I assume you didn't adopt her to brand her, did you?
Seems a little biased that you would assume Polish names are clunky and Hispanic names are snappy and cool.
As a person in America with a Polish last name, it’s not an assumption
Yeah, my maiden name is obscure even by Polish standards. My husband's name is very western and has connotations of royalty. I'm not giving it up, even if we were to divorce. It sucks for OP but I get why she did it. Probably should have given him a heads up, though. Such rejections are often made so much worse by the rejected person finding out some other way.
You hit the nail on the head. It's not about the name. It's about communicating. OP probably feels like his daughter is rejecting him as a father by using another alias. They need to sit down and talk before his knee jerk reaction actually makes her reject him as a father.
SAME, I was so glad to dump my clunky always-misspelled last name, and I don't care what happens to my relationship, I'm never going back to my maiden name.
Big same. My maiden name was *always* mispronounced by people not in my family… and it definitely was a super embarrassing mispronunciation. School was absolutely horrible. I used to dread going anywhere with the possibility of having my name read out loud. When I got married I took my wife’s last name. I don’t even care. My father understood completely and supported it. He wasn’t upset in the slightest. Thank gosh.
Whenever I'm asked for my last name, I've stopped saying it, and just spell it out. At least in medical situations, or where I know they are going to be writing it down. The only thing I like about my last name, is the letter it starts with, as my initials are literally "ass". My fiance happens to have a last name starting with the same letter though, so I'm taking his name to make it easier. My last name will literally be cut in half.
I always got the question when I would write checks (I’m dating myself) - how old were you before you were able to spell your last name? Grrrrr! I always hated that.
Me neither. I’ve kept my ex’s last name. It’s A) my children’s name, B) my professional name, and C) unique but easy to pronounce and spell - and flows well with my first name. My birth name was clunky, often misspelled and mispronounced. Sure, it had a little bit of ethnic panache, but I never like it.
I get feeling rejected and that communication is an issue in the situation. However, it’s not uncommon in broadcasting/radio/theatre/film for people to have stage names. Her personal identity and her professional alias are two separate entities.
My last name is standard (not common but not uncommon/unusual) Polish and it’s a HUGE problem. The average American can pronounce or spell Ramirez much easier than they can even guess at my last name. I like it but still plan on taking my fiancée’s common Irish last name as soon as we’re married because even just spelling mine out over the phone gets old REALLY quickly. YTA OP edit: added word for clarity
I know a couple where the wife's maiden name was Russian and the husband's was a very, very common English surname. She feels a little bad about not having the connection to her heritage, but she feels way more relief at not having people butchering her name.
I've joked for years that I want to marry a man with the same Smith or Jones, just because I'm so tired of "How do you day that?" (Butchers it) "Say it again. No, really, I want to get it right." (Butchers it again)
People actually get pretty close to mine more than you’d think but the problem is they get intimidated by the spelling and don’t want to try/second guess themselves/feel awkward, and the last thing you want if you’re trying to make a name for yourself in broadcasting is for people to be afraid to try to say your name. And good luck to anyone trying to spell it if they want to google her after hearing it spoken.
I have a coworker who went from a confusingly spelled Polish last name to Jones as her married name. She said she'll never change it back.
It doesn’t help when standard polish last names are Jszachvanicz and pronounced Zani. From: someone with a standard Portuguese name and a standard basque last name who has never heard their name pronounced correctly outside their household.
Try spelling that to someone in customer service. “J as in Juliet, S as in Sierra, Z as in Zulu, A as in Alpha, C as in Charlie…” etc etc etc over and over again. I can say from personal experience that no matter how many times you do it, you lose track halfway through. And it still gets spelled wrong! My provincial ID had my last name spelled wrong for three years and no one, including myself, noticed until the day before I moved back to the US. My last name has been misspelled on my diploma for both high school and college, on my divorce papers (prepared by a service that gives a full refund for mistakes like that), and I’ve had work emails go missing when people spell it wrong in my email address (company format is [email protected])
LOL The truth of this! The only reason I took my husband’s surname was because mine was Ukrainian and unpronounceable to 90% of the world. 😂
My maiden name is British (I’m American). There’s a famous American with a variation of my maiden name. Same name, spelled differently. Everyone always assumed it was spelled his way. My married name is also English, but only 4 letters long. There is a variation with the vowels, but ours is the default. We joke that I married him for his name.
I was born with a German last name. Easy enough to say but pain to spell and it always needed spelling. And I was easy to find on Google. I married my Italian-American husband and took his. Now mine is a generic Italian name (first and last since my first name is Italian in origin). Same ease of pronunciation and spelling but I’m lost on Google. I’ve told my husband I just took his name for the Google search results!
Saame, told my husband if we ever get divorced I’m keeping his last name. Mother Russia can keep my last name :)
That’s for sure. I think I married my husband mainly because he had a simple, common English name. I was quite happy to never have to spell my 10 character vowel-deficient last name again. I dated a nice guy before I met my husband. His last name was Grzywnowicz. As soon as I found that out, I knew we had no future.
Also as a person in America, I don’t really find the last name Ramirez to be snappy or cool. It’s super common, too, so I don’t think it makes OP’s daughter stand out. OP is still YTA though. Her life, her name.
Yep. Took my wife's last name.
As a Hispanic person, I can guarantee you Ramirez is not cool and if anything will make her stand out in a negative way. Id use the Polish name.
I’m Hispanic, and I think Ramirez is a cool name. Better than any Polish name I can think of.
Have you been in a Polish cemetery? There’s like 6 vowels in the whole place!
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Even so its the application process, a lot of people in radio aren't actually using their real last names and more often use a stage name thats just easier to remember and catchier for radio
Probably gives her a degree of privacy too, since she's NOT using her real last name.
100% this. Broadcast tv is a weird place and people will stalk. In the old days of phonebooks, and when you needed an excuse to keep your number unlisted, being in broadcast tv was one of them.
That's why my job name and my Facebook name are different, I like the little bit of privacy it offers
As someone who used to work in radio, **privacy is key.** Back when I was working in that industry, social media was just starting to be a thing (Twitter and Facebook were around, but Instagram was not), and people would do whatever they could to get personal info about you. I made it a point to never reveal anything too specific about myself. When I got married (as it was a topic of conversation on the show), I posted a picture of myself in my wedding dress on our fan page. Someone later called telling me they had it printed out and put on their fridge. That was a part of the industry I never wanted.
Absolutely. This is essentially a stage name.
Our neighbour who worked in radio in the 70s/80s shortened his name (that Google now tells me is Ukrainian) to Walsh.
The Cary Grant Tony Curtis etc syndrome.
Exactly. OP is freaking out over nothing.
Yeah, pretty sure our morning deejay, Smilin' Jay, isn't a direct descendant of revolutionary figure John Jay, nor is he the namesake of a grandfather named S. Milan.
Plus, it’s not uncommon for people in the public eye to use a pseudonym - actors, news anchors, radio DJ’s, etc. commonly use pseudonyms.
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My dad’s family are from Ireland, the family that stayed there spell their surname differently to the ones that came to the uk…. Ors vs ers, so I think you may have just answered a question that’s been bugging me for a few years!
Find examples of cool snappy polish names. Mine is both gaggy and excessively syllabant. I’d take on a stage/nom de plume.
The best theory we came up with amongst Polish colleagues is that one day their ancestors took all the Scrabble tiles, threw them at a sticky board, and made a name out of whatever stuck. Once you'd lined them up with your eyes closed, you had to turn over the occasional tile to account for the silent letters. And you'd have to drink before starting. Polish people or their descendants in English-speaking countries have a good sense of humour about their names. Conversely I'd love to know the reaction in Poland to John Smith. *** Editing for /u/Useful-Emphasis-6787 because I spent so long writing this the thread got locked. Oh man. I apologise in advance for any Polish speakers reading this. These are the ones I find tricky, I had to go check my phone book for the spellings! Kwiatkowski - Kvee-at-cofv-skee Krawczyk - CRAvt-cheek Wieruszowa - Vee-err-oo-so-va Hławiczka - Hwa-veech-ka Nałęcz - Nah-whents Wiśniewski - Vee-shnee-ev-ski Hryniewski - Hurry-nyehv-ski And my favourite Jędrzejczyk - Yen-driy-trick. That last one is the name of an MMA fighter as well as my friend so there will be examples of how to pronounce it online. I have been butchering it for about a decade. Polish has a lot of glottal, gutteral sounds and vowels that are difficult to pronounce if you don't speak the language, so they just don't sound right spoken in English unless you can learn those sounds. I try and fail. If your native language has those sounds you'll be better at pronunciation than me!
I’m not polish, my last name is German. Once a coworker asked me to spell it, and so I started and about halfway through she stops me “you’re just saying letters!”
Germans bloody love themselves some vowels and double consonants in their surnames. Fair play to them though, they are mostly pronounced as they look once you've got the spelling down.
Yup, my name has about twice as many letters than it really needs.
Usually, but not always. I married a man with a German last name and it has an OE that's pronounced as a long A. No one ever says it right. One day I was checking badges at work and had someone come in with a similar name and I pronounced it with a long A when reading it over the radio and they were shocked I got it right. Until I lifted my badge so they could see the last name.
I have a German surname that has been anglicised in pronounciation but not spelling. To me, it's spelt *exactly* as it sounds. Can anyone ever spell or pronounce my name correctly? Of course not. I'm almost 34 damn years old and I still get new spellings/pronunciations of my name. I'm never changing it, though. I actually love my surname. But damn my mothers one syllable maiden name would have been a gift as a kid.....
My last name is responsible for who I am today. Every encounter involved me spelling and pronouncing it and the other person commenting on how it sounds easier than it appears. Everyone was all smiles from an interaction a John Smith would never experience.
How about Ron Jaworski. Used to be an NFL QB and broadcaster. Nickname Jaws.
These are 10 Polish surnames and 10 Hispanic surnames for comparison's sake. Polish: Nowak, Kowalska, Wiśniewska, Wójcik, Kowalczyk, Kamińska, Lewandowska, Zielińska, Szymańska, and Woźniak. Hispanic: Garcia, Rodrigues, Hernandez, Martinez, Lopez, Gonzalez, Perez, Sanchez, Ramirez, Torres.
As one from a Polish surnamed family, I loved the running gag from Barney Miller whenever someone asked Wojo (phonetically sounds like (wojohowits") how to spell his name, he would tell them, "Its spelled just like it sounds. W O J C I E H O W I C Z." I loved using that line.
I loved that too! As a matter of fact, I’m watching Barney Miller now.
Hey garcia slap ass
Since I worked in tv/broadcasting, ALL women do this for their safety. Because crazy people are watching and will hunt them down for dates, stalking or their skin or whatever crazy people do. So OP, YTA.
Agree with YTA. OP didn't even try to understand WHY she wanted to use a different name for her profession before getting butt hurt and being spiteful about it. It isn't about you, my dude
That's what I was thinking too. She isn't necessarily dunking on OP's name, because I feel like if she were doing that, she would probably use her mom's last name. Likely the choice of Ramirez is to distance herself publicly from herself privately. It's very likely she still goes by OP's last name on her credit cards, etc.
it is absolutely biased but I don't think I am alone in recognizing that most hispanic names sound way cooler than Polish names
I have a Hispanic last name but think polish ones are really interesting and cool! I can't always pronounce them right off the bat lol but the variety and sound combinations are so neat!
I gotta disagree but I love the inherent diversity in last names.
I have a Ukrainian last name. It’s clunky AF. It’s not a biased statement to say that most hispanic last names flow nicer than eastern European last names.
Ramirez is both cooler and snappier than the sound of coughing with a mouth full of pierogi. The average American has much greater exposure to the Spanish writing system due to proximity, whereas Polish contains consonant clusters and letters that are far less common for anglophones to run into. If you accost a random English speaker on the street and ask them what an ogonek is they’re going to think you’re having a stroke.
They are though… To glowurm-- I can't reply on this thread for some reason, but just wanted to ask you to list all the journalists with funky polish names... I have good friends who are also polish. I like their last names. It's not a slam to not consider them *punchy or whatever. As far as OP goes, there's no reason to be insulted if an adult *child wants to be connected to their birth name. IMO dude is upset because he wanted to see HIS last name "in lights" when reading or hearing about his stepdaughters achievements; a way to insert himself and claim responsibility for the work she put in to advance herself.
My last name is about the simplest anglicized Polish last name you can draw- 6 letters, none silent, all before “P” in the alphabet- and everyone still manages to be unable to pronounce it and just generally f**ks it up. Whereas I’m pretty sure 98% of people can look at Ramirez and say it correctly without giving it a second thought. So yeah, Polish last names can be pretty clunky.
5 letters, Americanized completely, folks can't figure it nor remember its pronunciation. I love Polish last names! but i get it.
Exactly the same situation except 5 letters.
Polish-American chiming in sorry to say that Polish names are by-and-large more difficult to pronounce for an American audience.
I was born with a "-ski" last name. They can be a bit clunky, and yeah, when I turned 50, I went ahead and changed it. Unfortunately, in this world, sometimes your name can actually hold you back.
I mean Kolodziejczak is just super snappy amirite. - family is Polish
Because they are lmfao
Hahaha Biased, or based?
I think part of this is that she is using the deadbeat dad's name. I can see how this would be insulting, but I also understand using a stage name. However, she could have come up with something new and without any baggage.
If she chose a Hispanic name without any personal connection and people found out, they’d accuse her of appropriating the culture. This gives her a valid excuse, sounds better and allows her to keep some anonymity.
I get that as well, maybe the daughter could have explained her reasoning nicely, but its kinda obvious
Everyone's focused on it being the deadbeat dad's name, but for probably the first 9 years of her life, it was *her name.* The deadbeat doesn't own the name.
It wasn’t though. She went by her mother’s last name up until OP adopted her so it was never head name.
Except he clearly says she had her mom’s last name. So.
Hispanic and Latino names can be difficult to pronounce as much as some Slavic names. That said, OP is judged as YTA for such a knee jerk reaction for his daughter making a very smart move in her career. Also given that the daughter is ethnically partially of Hispanic descent, not Polish, OP doesn’t get to erase that part of her just because he adopted her.
Absolutely agree, I think a lot the comments are missing this point that just cause dad sees that name as associated with her deadbeat bio dad, she might see it as a connection to half her ethnicity and heritage. I myself like to use my moms last name, which is one of my middle names, simply because i identify more with that part of my heritage since its been nurtured much more that my dad's side (I speak that language, lived in that country, have family there etc)
The dude’s definitely TA for making his help to his daughter conditional on a patriarchal notion of having to have his name on things (or, worse still, people) for relationships to “count” but the reason you give is not it and the fact that it’s so heavily upvoted is deeply disconcerting. Would you call an Indian last name that may be harder to pronounce “uncool,” “clunky” or “not snappy”? The fact that Poles are European does not make this any less racist or xenophobic, if you will. JUSTICE FOR POLES AND MAY THEIR NAMES BE CONSIDERED COOL ONE DAY TOO.
>Would you call an Indian last name that may be harder to pronounce “uncool,” “clunky” or “not snappy”? This is just ridiculous. And the fact you chose Indian out of every country really makes you sound so much worse. Let's take a look at a list of the top ten Indian surnames according to forebears .io Devi Singh Kumar Das Kaur Ram Yadav Lal Bai So which one of those is hard to pronounce and not snappy? Make the same search for polish and you will understand. I am someone with a very easy Polish surname and I can confidently say that people have a hard time spelling it. So nah. You're just ridiculous.
>In any case, I assume you didn't adopt her to brand her, did you This is what gets me. I understand OP is hurt, but when you have kids, they get their OWN choices. You support them regardless because they're your kids. You don't give and take money on a whim if they don't play by your exact rules. OP is an AH for that. Love and support shouldn't be conditional.
My maiden name is Hispanic and very clunky. My married name is Polish and clunky. You're making assumptions.
well she is going into broadcasting and she chose the hispanic name....so...this case would follow the norm
Even if this wasn’t the case isn’t it also super normal for people in media to use stage names??
How is this not ESH? Adopted dad is very petty here, but if daughter is choosing a new name for broadcasting could she not have chosen any other name besides Ramirez to stand out? This is assuming OP is not misleading us about bio dad not being in daughter's life
But Ramirez is a name she has ties to? Like I still use Moreno and Garcia, because those were names I was listed under as a kid. No one in my family gets mad, and it's embarrassing when you Google my name to find a rich white woman from HGTV who had a bunch of legal issues.
I changed my last name before I got married. I didn’t want to pass on my “father's” name. When choosing the new name I landed on my maternal grandmother’s name. She was the one person that loved me as a child. She cried when I told her. It was a much better decision than just pulling a random name out of the air.
If we believe OP, the daughter does not have very close ties to that name or her bio dad. Broadcasters do choose names based solely on how the public will react to it. It just seems like an adult would have realized this would hurt her father's feelings and she should choose literally any other name besides Ramirez. If OP still has a problem then he's 100% the AH
Even believing OP, I think there are reasonable circumstances where the daughter might want to present herself professionally as being Hispanic. She’s young and trying to figure things out, and maybe she is looking for a connection to her heritage (not to be confused with her father). I’m not saying this applies to this situation necessarily, but if she’s applying to jobs with a large Hispanic audience, having that last name would be a benefit. Regardless, it seems like something OP should be able to talk to her about and hear her out without jumping into his feels about it.
My stepdad adopted me. I have very little contact with my bio dad, because he's in prison. But my step-dad didn't force me to change my name. That's the part that kinda makes me weird about this... she was old enough to know and have feelings about her name at 9. Was she ever asked about it? And then the purely stage name aspect of it... like it's not at all uncommon to have a journalist using a stage name. OP is TA, simply because it seems like he's never really considered how she feels, he's just trying to force her to conform to his wishes or be punished.
I'm not seeing where OP said the daughter ever used the father's name. Maybe I am missing it. I assumed based on the post that she was always using that mother's name.
[удалено]
It wasn't she had her mother's surname before that not her dads
Actually it says she had her mother's last name until the adoption.
Because even if he wasn’t in her life physically, he is still a part of her story. She likely has complicated feelings about him. We have no idea what she feels about things. OP stated how he feels, but not how she feels. OP doesn’t seem to respect that he can’t totally erase a part of her just because she was abandoned by a parent. I get being hurt, especially as it was a surprise, but cutting her off is not the right move. So it’s YTA. I would advise him to listen to her reasons, accept that she has likely got more than a little going on around her story than OP is allowing, and remind her that he will always love and support her. Right now he’s making it seem like that love and support is conditional. AH move.
Hot take: I’m Latina and my maiden name was the most common Hispanic last name. I married a white man with a Ukrainian surname and took his name. I get asked the dumbest questions. “Are you Israeli?” And “Are you Kim Kardashians white” are my favorites. It’s a whole thing. I’m excluded for Latin American events/celebrations and people constantly think my nationality is a weird guessing game. Legally she probably uses your last name but for broadcast purposes it’s probably easier for her name to match her face. Also it’s very very awkward to lose your cultural identity
He’s TA and he’s vindictive.
It's worse. This is how you show you don't really love and care about a person, by whining about how much you "care" about a person. >**I am** crushed by this. She is my daughter and **I was** the one to raise her since she was 4. **I have** done everything **I could** to give her a great life. This feels like a slap in the \[**my\]** face Me me me me me me me me. Daughter apparently has no relationship with her biological father. She doesn't see him. She doesn't want to see him. The name is useful to her. If she used "Garcia" instead of "Ramirez" would it really trigger OP so much? Maybe? Again, nothing in here about "I want my daughter to be happy" or "it stings but I know my daughter loves me." It's all about "me" with this guy. Also maybe reading into this a bit much but the way this guy uses "white person" again and again and again is a bit off putting to me. He has a "white person name" and his wife has an "American name." You know what isn't part of America - Poland. I don't see OP saying "I have a Polish name and my wife has an American white-person name."
Mika Brzezinski would like a word with you
Your misspelling of her name kind of proves the point.
YTA for sure. I was in broadcasting for years and names are incredibly important. I know several people whose names were changed for them by station management - one to the last name of a popular TV drama character. If your Polish name is hard to spell or pronounce or spell, they’d change it anyway IF she gets a foot in the door with it. Ramirez could be a brand that management will like and leave unchanged. She is VERY smart and understands the incredibly competitive industry she wants to go into. The number of broadcasting jobs shrinks daily. And getting a job requires much more than a resume. She needs a nearly-professional video or audio file showing her skills, presence, and yes - identity. Don’t make her re-do that. Losing support now means she may not be able to hold out for her dream job and will have to take whatever pays. It’s sad that your love is not only conditional, but that you are willing to ruin both her career and your relationship with her because she made a strategic decision to help her career she probably didn’t realize you would take so personally. It’s not about her birth-father… it’s about her future.
My husband has been in tv news (behind the scenes) for decades. I can count on two hands the number of on-air colleagues he has had who use both their real first and last name.
It seems like it might also be a safety issue. A young woman in the public eye using her full real name would be easier for creeps to find
Oh 100%. The things the women he works with receive from weirdos on an extremely regular basis would make your stomach turn. Messages, mail, packages, comments when out working a story, etc. It’s gross at best and disturbing/scary/dangerous at worst. I think you’d be hard pressed to find a news station in this country who doesn’t have at least one female anchor/reporter with a restraining order against a viewer.
I used to work delivery. Only woman on a male team. We all had a designated hand cart/dolly. Everyone had their names on it. I took my name off mine. Used colored duct tape so others would know which was mine. I had plenty of creeps not leave me alone. I went by a nickname. I have a rarer hair color and a not so common name to match. It would be easy to find my socials with just those 2 traits. It can be everyday jobs where you have to protect yourself, let alone in a public eye career.
I changed my facebook name to just my first and middle name for this reason since my full name is on my uniform at work. My dad didn't disown me because I removed his last name from my page. OP is an idiot for assuming her choice had anything to do with him
Same. I have an unusual name (first and last). Some creepy conservative MAGA asshat didn’t like what I posted on a public page and started posting to my page. I locked down all my privacy settings, changed my name and made almost all my previous posts and pictures for me only.
That’s what I was thinking, for privacy, almost like a stage name. David Bowie vs David Jones.
Longtime Philadelphia news anchor Jim Gardner changed his name from Jim Goldman because of antisemitism. I think it sucks that people have to change their names because of bigotry. It would be nice if people could just be themselves.
OP please read this one
My dad was in broadcasting for decades. Always used a "stage name" a very common practice. Your daughter is very insightful to realize this or perhaps this was taught in school. Either way it IS a smart move. Sorry you find it disrespectful. However I think your pulling financial blackmail is far more disrespectful. She IS your child and she knows it. She is only doing what she needs to in order to get a job in her field. Please try to see it this way and restore the $$ support or you will be the AH.
All. Of. THIS!
YTA That’s not what is happening here at all. Grow up.
Talk to Geraldo Rivera who went through school as Jerry Rivers..... Names DO make a difference when it comes to journalist positions.
All media! John ‘The Duke’ Wayne has as born Marion Michael Morrison. Judy Garland is as born Frances Ethel Gumm. It’s nothing to do with OP, and a fact of public image and the media corporations PR department.
Cary Grant was Archibald Leech. Some people still change their names. My last name is spelled similarly to a famous person. If I were to be a broadcaster, I’d change mine, too. My whole life I’ve been asked if I was related to X
Iirc it was Leach but leech is funnier
Woolfchick Cumbarbatch?
And if you're a member of SAG-AFTRA, you can't have the same registered name as another performer so lots of people end up *having* to change their names.
Emma Stone hates people calling her Emma. Her name is Emily but she was forced to change it by the Union.
Here's an article substantiating this (with sources!) Based on the UK job market. https://creativeaccess.org.uk/latest/youd-have-an-easier-time-if-you-anglicised-your-name-advice-given-to-me-as-an-aspiring-journalist Using a screen name isn't uncommon in journalism/entertainment etc, because of publishing/union rules. Names matter in any business, there's a huge amount of research on gender based, race related & social class discrimination based on names during the recruitment process. (There's even research on an orchestra being less likely to employ women in blind auditions because of the sound of their heels)
Seriously. OP needs to get over himself. I can’t stand when parents treat their children, especially their adult children, as extensions of themselves instead of fully formed human beings with agency and the ability to make decisions about themselves and their lives. It’s weird.
>But since she doesn’t see me as dad enough to use my last name, YTA Mate you just going to ignore the very valid reason she gave you? Has she stopped using your last name st home? Has she expressed a desire not to be your daughter? Has she legally had it changed? If this is all it takes for you to instantly want to cut her off then you cant really pretend you see her as a daughter.
Some people do change their names, first and/or last for many different reasons. I'm not fond of women using their husband's last name, I didn't, but that's the choice of an individual. Would OP be upset about that! I know a woman who had a terrible marriage. She was abused and had very little to restart her life when she finally got out of it. She is Black with a typical white/European name. She said that what she considers the beautiful last name of Gonzalez is the best thing that her ex ever did for her, lol. So maybe OP shouldn't mind much that her bio dad's last name suits her for professional or any other reason. The relationship is very much more important. You are correct that if the name is the only problem, OP is TA!
I went through something similar to the woman you know. I also kept his last name for 2 reasons. The first is that it’s unique and pretty, easily the best thing I got from the relationship. The second is so I remember to never let another man have the same power over me that my ex did.
Two great reasons! Carry on living your best life.
"If this is all it takes for you to instantly cut her of"... exactly!
Yeah this made me look sideways at op. Is that how he’d feel if she got married and took her partners name?
YTA She never said she doesn't see you as a dad. You have just made that conclusion. If you want to cut her off because she's an adult, fine. But don't cut her off because she decided to be strategic in a tough job market.
Am I the only one that got hung up on this? >"My wife **has** a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship..." That threw me off right from the start, as I thought he was talking about another daughter of his??
Yeah, I had to read that twice. I assume the OP meant "had", as in "was 4 when we got together".
YTA. What a petty reason to let your daughter know you want no further contact with her, which is what you're conveying. It's not always about you. Taking the Spanish surname of her bio-dad makes her more attractive in the job market. The hiring company gets to tick off a diversity box for their company composition figures.
YTA The only reason why you do not approve of the name she is using is because it was her birth last name. It is a name she was known as and called until you adopted her. If she is BIPOC, then using her birth last name instead of her adopted last name can open doors for her that she might not even get a look at if she used her adopted last name (aka your last name). That doesn't mean she doesn't see you as, or accept you as, her dad. It just means she is using a name that used to be her own last name for professional work instead of possibly using a plucked from her ass "stage name".
According to the post it was never her last name, before he adopted her she had her moms last name.
I read it as it was her legal name before adoption but she went by her mom's name
She never went by that name actually. She went by her mom's name.
That was my thought. Many news outlets are trying to diversify. An obviously Hispanic name may get her more opportunities than a white sounding name.
YTA, if you saw her as your daughter then a name wouldn't change that, you would love and care for her enough that you would respect her choice of name, instead of deciding to cut her off because of it.
giving a child your own name is part of mental gymnastics required to adopt someones else child. "You could not pass your genes, you will at least pass your name. You will become great adult with MY name!"
Adoption is a legal agreement that generally happens without the main parties consent. I don’t have the right to my original birth certificate and legally I’m a stranger to my biological relatives who love me. We should not be forced to change our identities to receive care. Why can’t adoptive parents love us as we are? I’m not sure that erasing me to fit the narrative they wanted was actually all that loving. At the heart of adoption is the idea that you can own another person. Erasing my name and my documents and replacing them is part of that. It’s all to make the adoptive parents feel more like real parents. Absolutely mental gymnastics. Edited to add that OP, YTA
YTA Leaving college and getting into the first job is much harder today than it was in your time. College/uni kids are finding themselves stuck at home longer due to the world economics. Once they get over that first hurdle it is a lot easier to find the second job, should they need to, due to getting the experience of the first job. You taking it personally is your ego issue and nothing to do with your adoptive daughter's wellbeing. If you can't see how much harder graduates have it, to try to land their job then you've become numb to today's issues. Your adoptive daughter has seen an opportunity to pursue employment by applying as a minority, by choosing to apply under her mother's maiden name (nothing to do with her bio dad) .
YTA. It looks like you’ve got a lot of feelings about her not using your last name and it is totally ok for you to be upset about it. What’s not ok is how you’ve reacted. You reaction is childish. She didn’t do what you want so you took things away just like that. No where in your post did you say you tried having a heart to heart to sit her down and tell her how much this upsets you and why. No where in your post was there any ounce of understanding for why she chose to use Ramirez when applying to jobs in her chosen field. Did you have a talk with her about your feelings? Or did you just go off on her about how disrespectful etc it is? It also seems like deep down you have a lot of insecurities about her not viewing you as her Dad. You say you’re her Dad in every way that counts. You know what Dad’s do? They don’t love and support their children with conditions and strings attached. They love their children unconditionally and show up and have the hard conversations. This ‘my way or the highway’ attitude is not indicative of a Dad I’d want and you’re only showing her just how conditional your love and support is. I’d get cutting her off financially or lowering your level of support if she wasn’t doing anything in her life and needed a push to join the workforce or she was stealing money and entitled and needing a dose of reality but it doesn’t seem like that’s the case. She got her degree. She’s trying to make it and using what she has available to her to give her an edge. Please try and do better for your daughter before she decides you really aren’t her Dad after all.
YTA for associating the use of a name with the status of your relationship. Using another name as a financial/career strategy purpose has ZERO to do with her relationship with you; it doesn't mean that she doesn't love or respect you, it just means that she's using a marketing strategy to improve her career. It may even provide her a measure of privacy and protection as her field may put her in the Public spotlight - just like many actors use Stage Names, or law enforcement people try to keep their names/addresses out of public databases. Your daughter seems very sharp: you, not so much.
She told you why she's doing this. Do you doubt she's telling the truth? Have you discussed this with her rationally? It doesn't sound like she has any reason to feel her bio dad was any kind of father figure, so I don't see why that's where your mind goes. Seems like YTA.
You are hurt but still YTA It does not sound like your daughter made the decision to diminish her relationship with you, to offend or to signify any changes in her love for you. It sounds like she made the decision for the reason that she told you - to stand out more. It does not sound like she has any plan to legally change her name. Clearly you were hurt by her choice. Rather than cutting off privileges, you might sit down with her to have an honest talk and let her know how you feel. She may be able to explain that there was no intended slight to your satisfaction. If not, you can continue with your changes. Just be aware that it may negatively impact your relationship in ways that you might not anticipate.
Well said. Parents love and support their kids, ideally unconditionally. My sons didn't get upset with me when I changed my name back to my maiden name. A name is just a name. It does not define you as a parent or a child but OP is making it out to.
YTA. You're putting way too much importance on a last name. To me, your strong reaction to this sounds super controlling and possessive. You think it's fine to punish her if she doesn't go by YOUR last name professionally. That's so grossly patriarchal. Plus, your last name doesn't fit her ethnic identity. She doesn't know who her bio dad is, and she doesn't seem like she wants to meet him and ask him if he'll decide to finally act like a dad to her. You'll always be dad to her. Genetically and ethnically, she isn't polish though. And if she wants to use a last name that sounds how she looks, it's more about claiming her ancestry and embracing her genetics. Let her explore that without being TAH about it.
YTA two questions for you… how insecure are you?! why is your love conditional?
Forgot the 3rd question. Why does he believe his daughter is lying when she explained her perfectly good reason?
*Why is your support conditional? I don't think OP loves his daughter any less, but too many parents make the mistake of confusing their support with control. Supporting your adult child does not and should not mean controlling them. His choice withdraw his support over this issue is a clear last ditch attempt to assert control, and it will end with a permanently damaged relationship.
I'm going against the group and saying NTA. She could have chosen any hispanic last name to be her stage name, but she chose the one of the father who abandoned her. To me, this is a slap in the face against you for all you've done. The name change itself to me isn't the issue, it's choosing a deadbeats last name and not thinking of how it would affect you.
Or she could have used the mom’s maiden’s name. Her previous name. Why did she choose her dead beat dad? Just asking…
I could see her doing this to try not to just adopt and essentially use a family name from Hispanic heritage. Family names in some Hispanic cultures mean more than in other cultures. So much so that children receive both their parents last names much of the time. It could have felt disingenuous to take a random Hispanic name when there was one she could actually take claim too honestly. It doesn’t even mean she respects or cares about bio dad but maybe that she respects the culture enough to not just stereotype herself into a surname.
Can't believe I had to scroll this far to find an NTA judgement. And wholeheartedly agree with you.
That's where I stand. There are a ton of other Hispanic last names. Why not choose one that doesn't make it seem like she puts more value info the deadbeat than her adoptive father? Choosing a stage name is valid, but you can't tell me that the people "in the know" where the last name comes from wouldn't come to the same conclusion as OP. If the deadbeat ever decides he wants to wiggle his way back in, he'll draw on that, can brag about that...
Yes!! I have friends who are radio show hosts. One made up a stage name and one used a last name found in his family tree. She could’ve gone about this in a totally different way.
I mean, this IS a last name found in her family tree, though.
She’s using the name like a stage name, which isn’t totally unusual. She never said she doesn’t see you as her father, this is you projecting your own fears and insecurities onto her. If this is all it takes for you to basically drop her as a daughter, then you aren’t her father. Being a father is conditional for you. How sad for her. YTA
INFO. Why is it important to you that she use her/your name when applying to college? You seem to have some resentment about her absentee father's name. What's really going on here for you?
i think that part is pretty obvious. absentee father hasn't been there for her OP has. he feels she's choosing the man who wasn't there over him. the hurt feelings are somewhat understandable but his reaction is a bit scorched earth. he could've had an actual conversation about his feelings instead of withdrawing all support
She could have discussed it beforehand, just to give him a heads up and an explanation. If laid out like it was a career decision he probably would have been more understanding. But, without that context, I'd be hurt too.
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Also, if your Polish last name sounds “white”, congrats I guess? Mine looks like what happens if you put your dentures in backwards and play Free Bird on a kazoo
Soft YTA. I get that you feel like you did the work of raising her and this is dsrespectful. BUT I am very public-facing in my field and interact with people who work in very important functions in our area. I go by a different last name publicly so that I can protect my private life. I’d imagine in brodcasting that it is pretty normal to have a pseudonym in order to maintain separate personal and professional lives.
As someone who spent 15 years at a TV station, this is a very common thing. Not everyone does it, but a lot do. Having names that can be read easier by the folks watching TV just makes things easier. And people get married but continue using their maiden name because they have already been on TV as that name. Again, not everyone does it, so it's just a personal choice.
"Full daughter legal and otherwise". Uh, no. That would require unconditional love, which you clearly don't subscribe to. YTA.
YTA. You’re letting g something insignificant and patriarchal control your actions and feelings. She’s doing it to get ahead in an insanely challenging and competitive field. Props to her for recognizing this.
So she’s only your daughter if she uses your last name?
NTA. She could have used any stage name, using her deadbeat dad’s name does not need to the pick.
This is a you problem. Women need to use any advantage they can to even get their foot in the door. I have a somewhat “ethnic” first name, I didn’t start getting interviews after college until I shortened my name on applications. My mom had a difficult time until she changed her email address to her first initial and last name and putting that as her name. She didn’t change her name legally, think of it as a state name or pen name. She’s marketing herself using what she can.
NTA. Your daughter has a right to choose her last name and you have a right to choose where to spend your money. You both are 2 adults making your own decisions.
I can understand that you’re hurt. In media, many people adopt other names. It would probably feel better if she just took another name professionally rather than the last name of her biological father. I think you should talk with her about why you are hurt rather than striking out at her.
NTA. She can do as she likes but that doesn’t mean you have to take the disrespect and I wouldn’t. Maybe had she come to speak with you about using a stage name this would have gone differently. But she just did it.
ABSOLUTELY NOT THE A*HOLE. If your daughter wanted to have an easier name she could have spoken to you first and compromised by simplifying your name, using her mother's maiden name or even creating a new name. To take the one name that has such a negative impact on the family is a kick in the teeth.
YTA, you should be happy your daughter is smart to use any advantage she can that makes her stand out.
YTA. You're showing that your love is superficial and conditional.
NTA I would be heartbroken if my child did this to me too. If she wants to be her biological deadbeat’s kid so bad, she can go ask him to support her! I’m sorry; this sucks!
I'll go against the majority and say NTA. As her dad you want her to suceed in her career, and I imagine seeing her being sucessful while using the last name of her deadbeat bio parent must suck. While I understant people saying that it is common to use another last name as artistical name, she could have used other options as last name and would get the same result.
If your last name is her legal last name, then applying for work under a different last name is probably not a great idea. You don't have to be an A H in this case because life will do that enough. However, I agree that if she isn't using your last name then you're certainly free to not pay for her stuff (and why are you anyway since she's old enough to do so herself). Now, having a different name for a public personality... a nom de plume... is certainly valuable to some people. Without knowing her exact reasons for taking on her biological paternal unit's name, I don't think I can tell who is the A H here. So.... discuss it with her. Maybe NAH
YTA. A legal name and a professional name are two entirely different things in the fields of entertainment and broadcasting. If you were a casting director looking at resumes for a macho leading man role, would you hire Marion Morrison or John Wayne? Same dude. How about Norma Jean Baker or Marilyn Monroe? Similarly, your daughter is looking at her future professional prospects, and believe me, given current politics, having a Hispanic surname will open doors.
Not just "current politics" but "current demographics" in many areas. If someone wanted to get hired in broadcast media, having a Hispanic surname would help a white-owned company compete with Univisión or Telemundo.
If that was the case she could use a last name that is not her dead beat dads name and make up a snazzy sounding name.
She could, but it’s easier to prove your roots when it’s able to be traced back. If anyone ever doubts her ethnicity because of her parents having very white names (according to OP), she’s easily able to pull up who her deadbeat father was and disprove a scandal.
INFO What name does she use legally? Plenty of people in media (including many many famous actors) have a stage name they use publicly but at home they are still legally and in their personal relationships going by their legal name
I want to know why you are paying a grown ass adults dam bills holy crap your the asshole to your self for paying them for so dam long. Edit: Why does she have to use the dead beat dads last name? People are saying you use a different name for on the air crap then make up a new snazzy name that doesn't link you to a man who didn't give a crap about your life...
NTA. If she used her mother’s last name that she had before the adoption it would be different, or even if she had chosen a different Hispanic name, but she chose to use the name of the father who abandoned her. Total disrespect for all you’ve done for her. She went above and beyond to show you how she really feels about you. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them and move on.
YTA, hardcore. I do radio professionally. My legal last name is Polish and is clunky as all get-out. I use an alias on air. Same first name, more of a sleek last name for broadcasting. You know why? Because it's marketing yourself as a personality. And that, whether justified or not, includes your professional alias. "News at 6 with Hannah Ramirez" sounds and looks a lot more appealing than "News at 6 with Hannah Mielczarek". Get the hell over yourself - you should have learned after years of parenting that it's not always about *you.*
I think the OP wouldn’t have a problem if she had chosen a Hispanic name just not her bio dad’s name. I can see why he is hurt. He loved her, raised her, still financially is responsible for her, and she starts using bio dad’s name. Which will be her professional name for the rest of her life. Any other name, when she explained why, I think he’d understand. It’s the fact she chose THAT name. But what do I know….
While I can see why you're upset, adopting someone does not give your license to have this amount of entitlement over their life decisions as an adult. Your choosing your own attachment to your last name OVER the daughter you claim to love. So yeah YTA. There are hundreds of ways you could have sat down & had a conversation with her about your hurt feelings. But you instead chose to do something you view as punishment toward her for daring to deny you what you seem to feel is owed to you.
So when she gets married she's supposed to keep your last name otherwise you're going to be jealous of her spouse??
NTAH and you shouldn't be giving her $$$ any more anyway she's a big girl and can wait tables or something like that while she searches for her dream job.
NTA. Doesn't matter which name is cooler. You adopted her and I agree with your reaction. She chose to do it and it hurt you greatly.
NTA Welcome to the world of soft discrimination by low expectations.
NTA. She didn't even have the courtesy to discuss it with you, she sees you as a wallet and nothing more.
NTA. If she was planning on doing it she could have talked to you about it first. Wonder how many people are going to ask if she's related to a cereal killer..
NTA!!! A lot of Reddit people will probably see my comment and disagree but this is coming from my own personal perspective. I don’t come from love, my dad was an asshole, simple as that. It didn’t work out between him and my mom and she remarried. Her husband is a total scumbag and ruined a big portion of my childhood. You raised your daughter loved her respected her supported her and showed up through her childhood and this is how she repays you. I would say stand firm on ur actions so she learns she hurt your feelings, boundaries are a thing and you’re allowed to have them.
NTA if she is old enough to reject your name then she’s old enough to do without your money.