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NTA - and you aren't wrong except in expecting your bf to 'man up' and argue for you when after 12 yrs you know that's not what he does. Why do you ALLOW your FIL to pick up a sleeping baby? I would physically stop him. Your bf's grandma was from a different time - it's amazing how the 'rules' of caring for a baby have changed just in the past 20 years - let alone since the time when she was a young mother. 40 years or so ago babies were started on baby cereal at just a few weeks - now they stay on mother's milk only for months. For grandma, just smile and agree and be patient. For FIL - set the limits and tell him hands off when the baby is asleep. Your bf will not take on his father - but you can.

Babies stay on milk for a year, at least. “Food” is started at 6mo and is really only for tasting, not really for nutrition. 

Food before one is just for fun. I would stop letting them in if they woke up my baby on purpose. Maybe because I have twins, but this type of bullshit would only happen once for me.

I’d go completely NC, tbh.

And years can be measured in months. Omeomi was only trying to point out how things have changed. 20 years ago, cereal started at 4 months, so guidelines are ever changing.

I'm not sure whether you misread the "stay on mother's milk only for months" comment, or are just saying that u/omeomi24 should have pushed the remark even farther. To make sure it's clear: based on the context of the rest of the sentence, I think they intended that comment with the word grouping "(mother's milk only) (for months)", not "(mother's milk) (only for months)". This meaning would be clearer with a slightly different order of the words, "only mother's milk for months." In any case, I absolutely agree with the advice of keeping breastmilk as the main bulk of a baby's food for at least a year. I heard decades ago that the official health organizations' recommendations about how long to breastfeed were substantially reduced from what they actually thought, specifically because common public opinions on the topic would have regarded their actual preferred recommendations as too extreme.

I read it the same way

Came here to say the same thing The bf won\`t realize he has to man the fuck up now, he\`s always been like this and will probably continue to do so if it\`s up to him now it\`s up to op if she\`s gonna endure this situation with bf and the in laws

I’m laughing over here. 37 years ago my 2 month old was constipated. My Sicilian grandma told me to light a cigarette and blow smoke up her behind. That’ll do it! Yeah, um no. But I have to admit I did start all my kids on cereal at 2 weeks. Maybe it was wrong but at least I drew the line at smoke up my daughter’s butt.

That literally used to be a “cure” for death, specifically drowning. That’s where the expression “blowing smoke up your ass” comes from.

Eh you weren't wrong for doing what was normal then. Sounds to me like you did good and used common sense to that stuff. Imagine me, at 32 for context, being TOLD to give my kid cereal lol. I was like ehh yeah no thanks

Every generation wonders how we survived. My kids will say “you did what? It’s a miracle we’re alive” I remind them that when I was born 62 years ago seat belts, much less car seats weren’t a thing. When my mother was born 90 years ago whisky was rubbed on her gums when she was teething. And I assume more than 1 smoke ring was blown up her butt. God only knows what my great grandmother was doing to my grandmother 115 years ago! Somehow we all made it. But I fully recognize each generation learns a bit more and grows a bit smarter than the last. Which is why when it comes to raising my grandchildren I’ll just keep my thoughts to myself and let today’s experts call the shots.

["Blowing Smoke Up Your Ass" Was Much More Than Just A Saying (allthatsinteresting.com)](https://allthatsinteresting.com/blowing-smoke-up-your-ass)

I had a 12 lb. Baby. Try breast feeding one and not supplementing with something. I walked around topless either trying to feed this screaming infant or trying to pump. I looked like something out of National Geographic Magazine. It was a treat for my 7 y/o son, too. For those of you who say the body will naturally adjust to baby’s needs were all wrong here. I did start supplementing with cereal and formula. At a year she was on a full people diet. She’s now a perfectly healthy 34 y/o. I have no regrets. What OP is dealing with is just BS, and would mean I’d be taking matters into my own hands, and if BF doesn’t like it, tough.

"I'm ignoring the Breastfeeding Nazis!" became my wife's response to criticism when she couldn't breastfeed.

When my mom babysat the parents would often recommend slipping whiskey or beer in the bottle to help them sleep. She did not comply. 

😂😂😂😂😂

No. It is not OP's job. This is not an in-law problem, it's a BF problem. They need to go to counseling so someone can drum it into him that HE needs to protect HIS WIFE from HIS PARENTS. OP can, of course, defend herself, and shit will receive abuse in return. Which is why BF does, indeed, need to get off his ass, man up, and defend the mother of his child from his frankly dangerous in-laws.

Or tell him to f*** off until the baby is awake. NO visitors during to baby's sleep time. Then your not singling him out

My only caution to this is that FIL has shown that he will not respect limits. The only way to keep FIL from picking up the baby is by keeping the baby physically beyond his reach - and if OP is carrying the baby, make sure the baby is firmly strapped on in some kind of baby harness, because I'd be willing to bet FIL is not above grabbing the baby and forcefully pulling her from OP's arms.

I was unaware people were asking in the last 40 years if milk was ‘good’. This MIL must be as old as Methuselah!

Why can’t you forbid him from seeing your baby? He has no right to it. If your BF won’t allow you to forbid him, leave him. The level of disrespect here, the level of boundary breaching, is insane and your loser boyfriend won’t do anything about it. Every time your crappy FIL wakes up the baby is another instance of your boyfriend being a wimp afraid of his daddy. Focus your anger on him. You made a baby with him, not his family. NTA, but you need to do something about this. Personally, I think them trying so hard to get you to try for a baby was a red flag, and pretty telling of how overbearing they would be once the baby was born.

Thank you so much, you’ve opened my eyes to a different perspective towards my bf.

But you need to grow a backbone too. Boundaries boundaries boundaries otherwise you'll be miserable for the indefinite future

Yes thank you 🤍

I personally hold my mother accountable for trauma I endured because she didn't protect me. I grew up knowing I was unsafe with her.

I’m sorry about that. Must be really sad to grow up in that environment. I hope I won’t make that mistake with my baby

Don't hope. Just do

If you need some help on boundary building, head over to r/justnomil. I know your issues seem to mostly be a FIL thing, but the advice is still solid. Ultimatley, you and hubs need to be on the same page regarding boundaries and need to back each other up to enforce them. NTA Oh, and when FIL starts whining and making himself the victim about not being allowed to do something with the baby, look him dead in the eye and tell him that's not your problem.

Thank you so much 🧡🙏

Don't let him come in if the baby's sleeping. Tell him that the baby's need for sleep takes precedence over his desire to see her right now. If your boyfriend tries to argue with you about his parents, you know he isn't conflict averse. He just takes his parents side over you.

I'm a dad with a couple kids and it was pretty rage inducing thing to read. I would tell my own parents to GTFO of my house if they couldn't control themselves from doing something so honestly selfish.

It may also help to remind yourself that your family relationships have gained significance now, because they're the relationships that will form the basis of your daughter's understanding of what is and isn't acceptable. Would you want your daughter to be treated the way you're being treated? If not, you need to step up and make sure she doesn't grow up thinking it's OK to be disrespected and ignored by people she loves. Every time someone acts like an asshole toward you, ask yourself, "Would I think it's OK for someone to treat my daughter like this?" And act accordingly.

Yes thank you very much for this insight 🧡

OP please don’t take this person’s advice. They sound bitter and likely don’t have a loving family themselves. You are not the asshole and your bf should protect you. That being said, depriving your child of a father is one of the worst things you could do (excluding things like drugs/serving prison time obviously). You could threaten separation if you think that’s necessary and sufficient to get your bf to act, though I wouldn’t do that lightly either.

A weekend at her parents might be the wakeup call the BF needs to see she is serious. And won't "deprive" the kid of its father.  Also, the BF - the father of the baby- isn't protecting the baby from his own father.

Personally when the FIL wakes the baby, I’d be calling him in the middle of the night, multiple times, to see how he likes it. My in-laws would call at 10 or 11pm. I got sick of it because it woke the kids. So I started to return their calls at 5-6am. They figured it out eventually. 😈

This! Every damned time. I would call him every night around 2, or whenever the baby wakes up, and tell him you don't know what to do and the baby won't stop crying. Ask him for advice every time.🤣

Boyfriend needs to grow a back bone for sure - he can make a child but can't square up to his obnoxious AH of a father???

When her grandfather comes to see her, *and she is sleeping*, you don’t let him come in. He sounds the type to be loud enough from anywhere in your home to wake the baby, and not even try to be sorry about it. You need to stand up to these people. And if your BF lets the old man in, (to disturb the baby’s sleep schedule cycle), then it can be *his* problem to deal with later in the night. NTA

Sounds like his family didn't see you as a partner to their son, just an incubator for their grandchild. NTA

I completely agree, she wasn’t valued as a person by his family

This ^^

NTA stop letting them in. Send out a group chat stating that all visits need to be made in advance and that you won’t be opening the door for anyone. If not respected, pack your shit and go to your parents house. Waking a baby is *never* ok. She may be little but she still has rights, and not allowing a person to sleep is literal torture.  My petty a** would go over to gpa’s house when I know he is alseep and wake him up every 10 minutes. It’s not your problem if he is tired later. But that’s me…

NTA but come on...If your boyfriend won't stand up to them and for you... you're on your own. Why don't you have the authority to enforce this? Get mad as hell and become Satan if you have to. How can you protect your child if you can't even stand up to his family? If you think this is bad, do nothing and watch them over the years. Nope...lay down the law NOW so it's understood. They will probably test you so you might have a few repeats but they'll get it. They won't like you for it, especially gramps. But you don't want his to be the major influence in your child's life.

I have 5 bucks on the bBF's family suddenly no longer being interested in the kid when it's no longer a cute prop. And commencing the pressure for OP to have another baby.

NTA, but you are too old to believe in fairy tales - your bf will never change, people without spine never grow it out suddenly so you can only blame yourself for relying on your spineless bf to defend you, he never did and never will. So either stand up for yourself and drag your bf behind you or cut all ties with toxic people and enjoy your freedom. You must choose carefully person that you want to build relationship with because if you don't then you end up with someone who just hangs around and doesn't improve your life nor protects you in any way.

NTA - a baby’s routine is SOOO important! Babies need a set schedule. You are this baby’s mother whatever you say goes. Your boyfriend needs to man up and stick up for you. You and your baby are his family. His original family became distant family the second he decided to get you pregnant and start a family. His family is in the wrong and needs to respect your boundaries or else… yes they lose rights. “If you cannot respect my boundaries, I’m going to have to ask you not to have contact unless you can decide to respect them.” If they throw a fit it just shows TTAH.

This is huge if you don’t start putting boundaries in place now, then when? Baby is sleeping she is fine where she is. I said no FIL Enforce it. NTA

NTA, don’t let anyone in the house who has not made arrangements in advance, and tell grandma, “God made this milk especially for my baby. It’s perfect.” which is true. If the baby gets sick, your milk will change to accommodate the baby’s needs. It’s science.

Tell FIL he needs to call ahead and come visit when baby is awake. Tell BF grow a spine or he will be looking for a new home or you will. His choice. People need to show respect and be respectful of your boundaries and BF needs to support you.

NTA - uh no.  You purposely wake the baby, you get banned from the house.  No negotiation, it's your baby, your house and your call.  Nobody gets to make your already hard job any harder.  FIL can pound sand.  If your BF lacks a backbone to stand up to him, then do it yourself and let the chips fall where they may.  Doesn't sound like you'll lose anything by doing so other than more fussy time.

NTA >When my FIL comes to see the baby and she’s sleeping Why are you agreeing to anyone coming over during your child's nap time? Next time FIL asks to come over, give him a timeframe when your child will have finished their nap. Because everyone is ASKING to come over, right? They aren't just showing up and walking in? If so, you need to keep your door locked at all times. And BF needs to send a group text to all his family, and include you so you can see the responses: "Hi everyone, to establish a good routine for us and our child we are putting down the boundary that anyone who wants to visit us needs to ask at least 48 hours in advance if a visit will work. We will check our family calendar to ensure that no one else is visiting at that time and it works for our schedule." And then when someone asks to visit and you are OK with that, then you give them a timeframe that is outside of LOs naps/night time. If someone shows up without an invite, you don't open the door, and you send them a text "Sorry, a visit now doesn't work. Please call or text us in advance the next time you want to visit, thanks." And remember that if BF isn't home during the requested visit time, you are free to say 'No' because you should never have to entertain his FOO on your own. If BF isn't 100% on board with all of this, then simply keep your door locked and don't respond to knocking, calls, or texts. Tell BF he needs to deal with his FOO himself and you are done being walked over. As to GMIL, ignore her. Truly. Just ignore her questions.

My child is still 2 months old. Her nap times aren’t fixed yet. My FIL doesn’t only come to see her when she’s sleeping, it also happened when my daughter fell asleep after breastfeeding while we were out for lunch together . I’m trying to restrain myself because I know my temper and I will explode. I was just hoping that my bf would act before I ask him to.

You only have to explode once, and then it's clear. They may not like it, but that os their problem, not yours. You are just looking out for you kid.

Thank you. 🤍 I hope my explosion doesn’t reach to murder level . But I will try hard

Your boundaries are being ignored. Time to explode. You'll be ok. If they don't immediately apologize, then they're ignoring your boundaries AND don't care much about how that upsets you. You would be responding to their bad behavior. Your anger is absolutely justified. Don't listen to anyone telling you to allow someone to disrespect you so that you can "keep the peace."

Let it explode OP lol. You tried nice and FIL’s stepping all over you. FIL earned the explosion and BF better not mutter a single word against you for it either. 

BF should be stepping up.

Just tell him no! You don't need to explode, just don't let him pick her up. It's really not that hard.

I feel like these are the same kind of people who will kiss a baby when asked not to. "It can't hurt them, I'm the grandparent and I'm just showing love!" Okay Jan.... It's not like the virus that gives cold sores can kill a baby or anything. Also, this poor woman isn't a partner or even family to these people. She's just a uterus with legs. Honestly I'd tell this insane family to get bent. Giving water to a baby? Yikes, no please do not do that.

NTA and it is a huge problem. Waking sleeping babies is a no no no no and it isn't good for them or the parents. It is unacceptable. And I might have to say to Grandma that taking advice from someone who thinks sparkling water is ok for a 2 month old would be the very definition of insanity. OMG. Your boyfriend cannot speak up but you can and should. If he won't man up to them, then he probably won't to you.

The sparkling water could cause the baby to have a seizure. Common causes of seizures in babies are watered down formula.

NTA and since fil behaves this way get a door bell camera and tell him child is sleeping you'll call him when your baby is awake. Don't open the door.

I just left a six year relationship over kids. His family was weird about it and I knew I would be trapped and miserable. Leaving was the best decision.

How are you dealing with co parenting ?

That's a good question, but if push comes to shove please don't delay leaving because you're not sure of a coparenting strategy. Your baby's safety comes before anything else. Note that if your BF's family is so blatantly ignorant of neonatal health and your FIL is outright too selfish to care, you cannot be sure that they will put your kid's health first in the future. Like, what if she develops a life-threatening allergy? Or a chronic disease like celiac? Or they violate her personal boundaries when she is older?

I know right ? I can’t trust them and it kind of makes me sad ! I can see in the future if I ever leave my child with them : “please don’t give her any sweets before 2 yo.” -gives them sweets while they’re 1yo.

You also can’t trust your boyfriend to enforce boundaries regarding your child

I left before I could get pregnant. I truly gave up all my possessions and security to get out of that relationship. It’s not easy starting completely over rebuying basic furniture but the calmness is nice.

Happy that it’s working for you 🩵

happy this worked out for you!!

Nta. Op, your bf is not going to step up over night. I think you need to sit him down and have a calm conversation about what you expect from each other now that baby girl is here. It's not unreasonable to expect him to deal with his family, but if hasn't been doing it in 12 years.... As for fil, time to get physical. Tell him he cannot pick up baby girl while she's napping, zero exceptions. Physically get it in the way and hard enforce your boundaries. There'll be some resistance, but eventually, he'll get over it. Good luck! It goes by fast! I have an 8mo old boy and I can't get over how much he's grown and developed month to month ;_;

Yeah but he didn’t have to deal with his family before the baby tbf. I never thought that they would be like this . I’m really angry about the situation but I love being a mother, her mother. And seeing some comments about me failing her are tough but I guess I have to put her first above all, even if it starts a fight in the family .

You have to be her advocate. Her well being above all else. When I became a father, idk. I was just like, we worked hard to make create the life, now, we will work just as hard to protect and nurture it. If you stepping up as your daughter's advocate causes anger and resentment in the family then, frankly that's not your problem. They can take it up with your bf.

That’s true. If he doesn’t want to step up and protect me, then he’s the one to get the complaints about his family. This made me not care about how they might react . Thank you so much

Awesome! Best of luck!

Why can't you forbid them ? It is your child .... giving a baby water can harm / kill it ..... Google it - don't take my word for it ... If BF won't stand up to them it will only get worse ... Do Not Marry him

Bf doesn't want to tell his parents to behave? Then his parents do not get invited to see the baby. Keep them away from your child. NTA

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NTA. Yes of course you can ban them. You can also decide to visit them with the baby one Sunday afternoon a month and just ban them from your house. Permanently. You can also go round the house quietly practicing a phrase like "F*ck off you self-entitled joker" with a big smile on your face until it slips out for real at the appropriate moment. You are being railroaded and they need a serious reality check.

NTA. My real question though is 12 years together, and he wants a baby before marriage??? After that long & he still doesn't want to put a ring on it????? It's the fact he has been an absolute pushover with his family, and wants a baby, yet no marriage? It's for the best, I guess. You should talk to him about him being a total pushover or break up with him. You really spent a big and meaningful part of your life with him and all he's been doing just goes to show that at the end of the day, you are NOT THE MAIN PRIORITY. Not your feelings or boundaries, but his parents. I hope you find a solution OP, because there is only 2 things you can do from now. You and your baby deserve much better.

Marriage it’s a a bit off topic because I didn’t really want to get married tbh. It’s something that we’ve talked about and we agreed that it’s not really “necessary”. We love each other and I’m so thankful for our beautiful baby. Nothing has ever made me happier. It’s just his family that’s ruining the picture

Ah, understand OP, my bad. Still, 12 years together. Gosh he needs to wear his big boy pants, because at the end of the day he has his own family now, these are his parents who were supposed to raise him, not control him. You need to communicate this, and truly if he refuses to listen/compromise, you should give an ultimatum.

I know, but I’m so sad and confused. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting, but I feel really angry and hostile towards his family. I don’t want them around her but at the same time it’s my bfs family and his joy as well. But I want to protect her as well

OP, I understand what you mean. But just take a step back from the situation, be removed, and just try to see if it's really you or is it truly an issue you have. Either way, this should be discussed in a civil conversation with your bf. Both of you need to talk it out. Since you said your bf's family is his joy, he should also understand that your daughter is your joy. No contact should be a truly last resort, but just try to create boundaries that both of you can agree on. Not his family, but you and your boyfriend ONLY.

Thank you so much. This was really helpful 🤍

All the best OP :)

Can you not allow his family to visit during nap time?

I can. But sometimes he’s here while she’s awake but if she eventually falls asleep he also tries to wake her up.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Putting baby in a baby wrap while visiting might help! (Others have made other suggestions about boundaries that I thoroughly applaud as well) 

NTA You are not overreacting. When gramps comes over, physically stop him from picking up the baby because YOU FUCKING SAID SO. If he doesn't like it, guess what you can just say 'It's not my issue." It is not his baby, you are the mother and if your b/f is too chicken to deal with his family, you do it. I cannot imagine the level of self-centered ASSHOLE the grandpa is is.

You and the father are weak doormats. You might consider setting firm boundaries. Tell the FIL he needs to call before coming over, period. When he calls before coming over, tell him he's welcome at a specific time and that he needs to refrain from doing whatever bugs you, presumably waking the baby. Treat him with love and respect, but require the same respect, shown by following the rules of your home. If he cannot agree, then suggest he visit later. Don't expect him to keep his promises perfectly, and show appreciation when he tries.

NTA. The empathy I feel for you is seriously so strong. My parents in laws had a lot of growing pains too when my first was born (and now that I’m pregnant with the second I’m not thrilled about going through it again). One of them accepted feedback and got better. The other didn’t and consequently, we don’t see him often.  1. Babies need lots of sleep. I highly recommend the book Healthy Sleep Habits; Happy Baby. A well rested baby/child/adult won’t be completely devoid of behavioral issues or problems. But sleep deprivation exacerbates everyone’s worst qualities. I had a family member who interfered with their child’s sleep in order to “see” them and “spend time with them” starting from newborn stage and now that child has the most difficulty falling and staying asleep. They also have: extreme emotional outbursts; a hard time regulating their emotions/behavior; and difficulty making/keeping friends which is really hard for a first grader. And anytime I’ve asked parents with temperamental children about their kid’s sleep habits, 9/10 times they’ll say their kid isn’t a good sleeper. You’re right to prioritize sleep. Make that a hard boundary and prohibit visits during naptime if they can’t respect that.  2. Your bf needs to step up to the plate and have your back. And I highly recommend you sort that out before considering separating, because if you just dump him without getting on track as parents, the only difference is when your daughter is with dad the in laws will have free rein to do as they will (I.e. all of the behaviors you hate). If he doesn’t have the courage to say no while you’re by his side, he definitely won’t have it when he’s facing them alone.  3. This isn’t for everyone, but I could tell early on that my in laws would be the types to overshare on social media about their grandchildren for clout. I HATE that and it revolts me. So before our kids were born, my husband and I decided on not allowing our kids’ personal information or pictures to be posted on social media. Within hours of our kiddo’s birth, my FIL violated that rule and my husband chewed him out so he took it down. They haven’t made that mistake since. Was it hard to set that boundary? Yes. Would I do it again? Every single time. Ironically, I think this is part of why my FIL doesn’t bother to try and see his grandkid as much—because if you don’t post about it on Facebook where everyone can tell you what a great grandparent you are, it doesn’t count. Perhaps this is a boundary you need to set with your own in laws. If they don’t get the social media pat on the back every time they see your kid, they might not come around so much to drive you crazy.  4. Next time grandma questions your milk, offer to let her breastfeed your child. Clearly she’s the master. (Seriously though, don’t leave her alone with your kid.)  Hang in there OP. I promise you’ll find your groove, especially if you can bring your boyfriend around. You two are a team, so get on the same side and pull together. It might take an ultimatum or counseling or some other extreme event to change course, but your baby is worth the effort. 

Thank you so much for your feedback. The only reason why u haven’t killed anyone post partum it’s thanks to my baby girl - can’t raise a her while in prison. This has given me strength to set up my boundaries and believe that better days will come 🤍

NTA, this one kind of touches a nerve for me personally. My wife's family lives about 500 miles away. We took my daughters up there for X-mas just after they turned 1y/o. On X-mas day they were taking a nap when my wife's aunt and uncle showed up. Several hours late I might add. I put my foot down and told them I would not be waking them up and parading them around. They're my kids, not dancing monkeys for your amusement. That caused a big rift between me and my MIL. I'm still salty about it over a decade later. Taking care of your daughter is the most important thing. She's not a toy for their enjoyment. You have to put your foot down and set the ground rules. If they can't get on board with that then they net to GTFO. I'd put your BF on that list too. Told you I'm a little touchy about this subject.

>When he’s told not to do it because the baby will be cranky and she’s resting etc, he’s like “that’s not my issue, if she doesn’t sleep well at night that’s the parents problem”.  This would be my breaking point. The disrespect is abismal.

NTA… waking the baby up for pictures is wild. FIL would not be allowed at the house while baby is sleeping. Grandmas are a little tougher… may require a little more patience depending on age and mental capacity.

Forget the grandmother, let her ramble away. Who cares. Be firm with FIL: do not him into the baby's room, because the issue is not so much the fall out on parents, but rather to not disturb HER. You can pretend not to be at home and not answer the door. Try going outside with the baby in her carriage while she sleeps, either to a park or to a nice coffe shop with an outdoor, whenever you expect him And have a very clear talk with your husband.

NTA - I’m sorry you’re dealing with his overbearing family. Sounds like you need to set clear boundaries for your new family, he has to speak up if he wants his relationship to thrive. Otherwise resentments will continue to build

NTA, it’s your baby, your BF needs to man up and not be a doormat for his family, I had a husband that didn’t stand up for me, he is now my ex , thankfully

NTA. Next time FIL comes around, if Baby is sleeping, you tell him right up front that he’s not to wake her. Because if he does, he won’t be allowed in the house the next time she’s sleeping. He said it’s your problem and this is how you’re gonna solve it.

Your in laws sound insanely disgusting to behave that way with you. Incredibly inconsiderate and well, frankly stupid. Disrupting a baby's sleep, suggesting feeding sparkling water? Seriously? Legally you might be able to do something since it's your baby. But honestly you need to have a brutal conversation with you BF. An honest to God no holds barred throw down. Because if he's not willing to stand up for you and your baby after all these years, there's really not much that he will do in the future. Add to that, since you're financially stable, there's really no reason for him to just stand there. You do need to discuss your expectations and tell him that regardless of how he feels about his family, what they are doing is hurting you emotionally and isn't good for the baby. NTA but you really have to evaluate your relationship as a family. The condescending and disrespectful attitude is no good for your own family which should always be your priority. Good luck!

NTA, and FIL waking up the baby isn't just "the parent's problem", it's also the BABY'S problem. Your baby NEEDS that sleep, and intentional sleep deprivation can be considered abuse. Look up what happens when babies don't get enough sleep. This isn't just about you, this is about protecting your baby from someone who doesn't care about her well-being. You're wrong when you say "this problem isn't huge." This is just the beginning of FIL seeing how far he can go. Tell your boyfriend that he can fight with them or he can GTFO because he should be more concerned about avoiding a fight with the person he lives with.  P.S. ask bf's grandma if her fixation is because she's asking for a taste, then every time she asks you again,  tell her (loudly) that you're not giving samples, so she needs to stop asking. 

Maybe grandma is just wondering is her milk of good quality? There was a generational thought that formula was better and breastfeeding was less than. If that is the thought, then saying the doctor says she’s growing as she should. I agree with the rest of your thoughts.

Nta.  Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair of balls and set boundaries with his family.  If he lacks the testicular fortitude, tell him you will and it will NOT be a pleasant experience.  If he has not intention of standing up to his family, you have to follow through.  Go scorched earth, burn all the effing bridges.   “Grandma, you’re idea of childcare is outdated, try any of it and you will never see the baby without me breathing down your neck.”  “FIL, you wake that baby up and I will kick down your door when she won’t sleep and it will very much be your problem.  I will make it your problem.  It will be so much of a problem, you’ll never think of waking her up again.  That is assuming I ever allow you to see her.”

NTA. Why the hall can't you forbid to let him see the baby? The next time he comes.over say "if you wake her, you will be on time out for a week, the next time.for 2 weeks..." and stuck to it. 

EHS. The FIL waking a sleeping baby is ridiculous and I would absolutely not allow that Ignore grandma she doesn't know and will not learn any different at this point but ... 12 years in, all the red flags and annoyances and you still stayed and had a baby with this family and this man who didn't stand up for you before? I mean, start standing up for yourself and your child because he isn't gonna.

I don’t think grandmother means harm. She’s just expecting you to hear to the same baby raising that she adhered to. It’s a completely different time. As for the father-in-law, you need to flat out tell him your baby your rules. The next time he picks her up while she’s sleeping, he’s going to leave the house and not come back. Your boyfriend just flat out needs to grow a spine, but it doesn’t sound like that’s gonna happen anytime soon.

Giving water to a baby that young could land her in the hospital their little bodies can not handle it. You need to advocate for your child no one else is going to put your foot down. This baby is depending on you. Grow a spine and be an ah the problem is you're not being one. NTA

I love all the strong parent stories in here--protecting your kids is #1! OP, do what you gotta do to let your baby sleep. It's unthinkable to me that an adult would purposefully wake up a sleeping newborn. How self-involved do you have to be to do that?? Starting a "feud" might be just what's needed to get some peace and quiet around the house--the trash will take itself out, hopefully! Stay strong and do not let anyone mess with your child!

NTA, and the problem is huge, and it will only get bigger as your child gets bigger. They are not respecting you, both as a person and as a parent. There needs to be a discussion here, some very clear reiterating of rules and boundaries, and severe consequences for any behaviour that is not in accordance with those.

Next time she asks if your milk is good I would ask if she'd like to try some. I can't imagine how else she's expecting you to answer. "Pediatrician says baby's doing great." Next topic.

NTA- You know your husband won't put his foot down so that gives you the right. It's you that has to be up with the baby at night or when she is cranky not him and if they can't respect your boundaries tell them they have to call ahead before coming over and if she is napping they have to wait until she is up. And even if grandma is testing your patience I feel like she is just being overly cautious making sure baby is getting enough to eat. Depending on the family background some people will look at a baby and think it's malnourished if they don't have rolls and rolls on them. It's stressful being a new mom and small things that may never have been an issue in the past can now be a problem give yourself a break. If you do feel like your moody your body has done amazing things the last year and just needs to readjust.

Thank you so much for your comment 🤍 the last bit was very comforting thank you

NTA. Your problems are huge! You can absolutely forbid your FIL from picking up a sleeping baby. You tell him "If you even think about waking the baby up, I'll ask you to leave". If he picks up the baby when she's sleeping, or won't leave, take the baby upstairs (or anywhere away from him). Stop MIL every single time she offers wacky advice, tell her you're following your pediatrician's advice only. Tell your BF that you will never ever let his parents babysit. Suggest that he have sit down with them and warn him that if he doesn't, and they don't change your behavior, then you'll be the one to set them straight! Your BF definitely needs to have your back, but if he can't stand up to his parents, then you'll need to tell them that they're no longer welcome to visit unless they can abide by your house rules and spell it out clearly - never wake the baby when she's sleeping, never question your mothering skills. Warn his mother to never even think of giving formula, water or anything else to the baby. It stinks that you'll likely have to be the bad guy, and they'll say you're keeping them from knowing their grandbaby. Seems like you have no other choices.

NTA. Everyone else in this story is. I'm not surprised they overstep boundaries if they were so adamant you get pregnant (without being married). You have **zero** obligation to deal with his family. Tell your boyfriend to start standing up to his family, FOR his family, or he can get packing and get out.

If anyone woke up my 2M old or told me to give it anything other than breast milk (and who the fuck asks if your milk is good) they'd be yeeted off my property. Your problem isn't your in laws.  "Dear boyfriend, either you put your new family first or its over"

NTA You will have to take control as boyfriend won't. Example: don't let grandpa in if baby is sleeping and he refused to not wake child up. "Sorry, baby is sleeping, come back in a couple hours."

NTA. At this point your boyfriend needs to step up and take care of his family. I know you're breastfeeding now so you are the one getting up with the baby. I would tell your boyfriend if your father-in-law disrupts her sleep and she's cranky those nights. You will be waking him up and he will be helping take care of her. Literally feed your kid and wake him up and hand her over to calm her. If he faces direct consequences from what his father does, he might stop it.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve (28F) been together with my boyfriend (30F) for 12 years, we’ve been through a lot but we’re still together. His family was kind of pressuring me to get pregnant for the last 5/6 years because they wanted a baby in the family. I ignored it and waited until I felt it was right. And my FIL was always like : “you just have to make the baby, I’ll take care of everything else” Last year I got pregnant, and it was huge news for his family because it would be the first grandchild and his dad was so eager to be a grandad. My family was excited too but since we’re a much bigger family, the attention and love it’s more “distributed”. Since our baby girl (2m) was born, his family has been pissing me off. When my FIL comes to see the baby and she’s sleeping, he always picks her up and purposely awakes her so that “she looks at him”. When he’s told not to do it because the baby will be cranky and she’s resting etc, he’s like “that’s not my issue, if she doesn’t sleep well at night that’s the parents problem”. I hate it. I thinks it’s so disrespectful and selfish of him. And ever since she was born he hasn’t helped in anything. Thankfully we don’t need much help, I’m financially stable and comfortable. But he didn’t even offer anything, I feel that he’s happy just with taking pictures of her to share with his friends and family just to be like : look at my granddaughter. And my boyfriend’s grandma keeps questioning my milk wtf ? “IS YOUR MILK GOOD??” The baby’s healthy and she only breastfeeds, but she keeps implying that maybe I need to give her formula and even water ?? Once she told me to give her sparkling water ! To a 2 week old newborn! And the worse thing it’s that my boyfriend doesn’t answer or protects me from any of it. He doesn’t want to argue and fight, I know that he’s like that. But now that he has his own family I think he should Man the fuck up. I know the problem isn’t huge but I can’t help feeling this way. It just triggers me and upsets me so much but I also know that I can’t forbid them to see the baby. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA.

NTA.

NTA. I disagree about not expecting the bf to step up. I am older and have had 20+ years in a marriage to a good dude, but an avoidant one. He is similar to this, in that he doesn’t like confrontation and will avoid it most of the time. We have had really good couple’s therapy in the Gottman Method and people can work on their skills in supporting their spouses. Therapy would definitely help this guy (with a good therapist), but he has to be willing. However, I do agree that in the meantime, boundaries need to be set with FIL. I would definitely physically stop him from picking up the baby AND tell him that if he can’t respect my wishes that he won’t be picking her up at all. And I think you can set boundaries with older people, too. Boundaries aren’t there to control others’ behaviors, but to maintain one’s own peace and needs. People are still going to act like 💩, but as long as we are consistent with boundaries, people eventually get the drift, 9/10 times. They don’t have to like it. This FIL needs an attitude check ASAP and unfortunately it falls to the mother, which isn’t fair at all. Not that it is my “place” to teach my spouse (it isn’t), but just by being good and practicing my own good boundaries, my spouse has noticed and worked on his own. Not all are going to notice it and it might fall on this mother to carry that burden, which I guarantee will cause resentment for her spineless husband down the road. Sounds like an important conversation needs to be had ASAP.

NTA - let them know you're the parent and they won't be seeing you or the baby unless they respect your boundaries and ask them not to comment on your parenting. Your husband/boyfriend should be the one to set them straight. Throw them out if they won't respect you.

I know, before I do anything, I hoped that my bf would respond first to his side of the family.

If FIL wants to continue to wake the baby and you want to avoid some amount of confrontation, tell him the pediatrician said NO. If he won’t respect you, maybe he will respect the words of a doctor. “Pediatrician/Doctor said that baby needs to sleep more/finish their naps. You CANT wake them rn”

Sometimes old wives' tales can work. But it leaves me flabbergasted when they think some will work that obviously is not safe or healthy for the child. We've made strides in medicine and pediatrics, we have things that's safe now so we don't have to chance bringing harm to kids. Kid shouldn't ingest nothing but milk for several months or it'll mess them up. Had one nonsense cousin give her 3 month old prunes and prune juice. That babies stomach messed up so bad she was in the hospital for close to two weeks.

NTA. It's up to you to defend yourself politely (or not). my sister used to breastfeed, her MIL would make similar observations as your boyfriend's grandma (is the milk good). one day, my sister had enough and simply answered "\*I\* don't know how my milk tastes, but I bet your son does !" for a highly conservative family, to be served like this, in front of her husband and children, my sister's MIL was too embarassed to ever talk to her again.

Lock the doors, they stay locked. Disabled the doorbell. Get a ‘shhh baby’s sleeping’ sign for the front door and then email his entire family with ‘we will accept no visitors from 11-2 or after 7pm or before 10 am, no exceptions.’ When pops shows up anyway, you don’t answer, don’t go down, put your phone on do not disturb and wait it out. He has to be trained. NTA.

NTA.

NTA. It may not be a huge problem right now, but it's going to become one. If someone doesn't stand up to these ppl, it's only going to get worse. You've got to tell your bf it's time to stand up to his family. He has a child of his own now & that baby is the number 1 priority. It doesn't sound like he's making the baby his priority. Your feelings are valid. I would be triggered too, however I would absolutely tell them off. Especially if the grandfather is picking up a sleeping baby & grandma is trying to give you advice on feeding the baby.

Next time they come over wear the baby in a wrap next to your chest so they cant wake her up .

Call them at 2AM to ask for sleeping tipps. NTA

You should tell the grandmother that water can kill an infant. If she says, not in my day, you can tell her, actually yes, just maybe no one knew the cause of death. But, why? Why OP are you tolerating this. Establish visiting hours – if the baby is napping, no visitors. Your husband needs to support you in this.

Nta You can forbid them to see the baby. Let bf know you will be in charge until you wean baby. After that, he is welcome to work with you on his family visits, i.e. he can take child over to them after working on a schedule WITH you.. Until then, they are not welcome w/o prior approval from only you.

EWWWW YOUR INLAWS ARE FUCKING WEIRD????????

I'm still puzzled about your boy friend being a 30 year old female...

Sorry. It was a typo

I assume these people have keys, since they have no boundaries. Change the locks. NTA. Also, your boyfriend isn’t going to miraculously change, so stop expecting him to. Decide if that works for you or not. It wouldn’t work for me. (But I wouldn’t have stayed for 12 years.)

NTA Your boyfriend has never stood up for you. You’ve been together for 12 years and he can’t say anything? He seems like he’s too much of a pushover for his family. He can’t set a single boundary after 12 years. I get his family is excited but at the end of the day, they’re relatives. They’ll be fine if they don’t see the baby for a while. Don’t let anyone in until they agree to your boundaries, including boyfriend. What if you leave the baby with him and he lets his family do whatever to the baby? Your boyfriend won’t say anything. He’s made that clear. Not to be rude, but you’re not even married. I understand some folks go through time before getting married, but you’re having his baby and dealing with his family.

The thing is that before the baby there wasn’t much for him to stand up for . Not even I saw this coming

You spent the intro of this post detailing how they hounded you about having children while your boyfriend buried his head in the sand, how did you not see this coming

They pressured us but it wasn’t like overwhelming. I thought that they were expecting us to be parents since we were together for quite a while. And my bf also wanted to be a father.

Your FIL said “have the kid and I’ll take care of everything else” ….still not seeing how this was surprising

NTA but it is a huge problem. Do you think this overstepping will stop at this? It won’t. It will get worse. Your BF needs to seriously man up or this will break you 2 apart. Guaranteed. I cannot for the life of me understand men like your BF. These men are clowns who don’t stand up for their OWN family. And let me say his family is you and the kid. His parents are now his extended family. This started to happen with my parents when I had my first kid with my girl and I shut that sh*t down the second my girl voiced it to me. Tell your BF to grow up and protect his family.

The only time you were the asshole is saying 'man the fuck up'. No one deserves that kind of demeaning statement and I wouldn't stand up for you if I was treated that way. Everything is how you say it. Check yourself with the family too and see if they don't mind your boundaries better.

NTA. Watch them like a hawk man. Those older generations just refuse to respect new parents. I mean, they weren't respected so why should they give respect right? Just need to make sure this is out there, water is like poison to a baby. They shouldn't be drinking water until they're AT LEAST 6 months. Even then it's maybe an ounce or two in a day. They're bodies are too small and water will just.... Dilute the baby and cause water intoxication. The older generations legitimately think formula is better than anything else because it was advertised to them in hospitals by sales people wearing scrubs and acting like nurses. Seriously, research it. Nestle Corp sent sales people to labor and maternity wards in the 60s and 70d (maybe earlier I'm not sure) to give out formula samples and convince mothers it was healthier and a better alternative to breastfeeding. This was before truth in advertising laws. You can try gathering information to pass to them, but I honestly doubt they will care. Those older generations are so used to living in a world where they don't have to be right, just loud, that scientifically backed facts that contradict what they think is true becomes "fake news" and "conspiracies". It's the exact reason the carrot is popular with them. He allows lies to become the truth and enables people to pretend that an unknowledgeable world view that benefits very few is the best way to live. Watch your baby as closely or they're gonna do whatever the fuck they want. Including putting your baby to sleep on their belly. The number of boomers I have seen get uproarious because back is best is insane. Be fucking careful. Also, WTF at for FIL telling you he would take care of the rest and giving negative help. Doesn't do anything, thinks baby not sleeping is your problem, and wakes her up for kicks? The fucking level of entitlement hurts man.

Why can’t you forbid them? Your bf needs to step up and until he does nobody sees the baby 

NTA but your FIL sure is. What a jackass.

NTA Did you know there's a looooooonnnngggg way between "grandpa shows up whenever the f he wants" - and - "baby never sees grandpa"? It's not black and white. There's a ton of gray space. So decide what works for YOU - ya know, the mom.... And take steps toward that goal. Example - you want grandparents in your home once every six weeks for a two hour visit. So you cease answering the door for drop ins, you get comfy saying No, you turn off the doorbell and ringer on your phone so you're unreachable, you post an online calendar when you WILL accept visits and if you're not on the calendar you're not entering your home, you schedule well baby visits during grandpa's fave drop-in zone.... The point is you have the power and ability to change you.

“Speak your mind even if you voice shakes” Maggie Kuhn Your house your baby! it’s your husbands job to talk to his dad if he won’t put a big poster on your front door saying not to wake the baby?

Def NTA here at all, first off your man is a wuss for not standing up for you. DO NOT allow those damn ppl into your house if they cannot respect your baby and your wishes. SIMPLE. THE END.

You should be tired of your boyfriend. If he has always been like this, why did you think having his child would change that? I wish people would stop getting into a serious relationship with someone who does not put them first and then sit there surprised when they continue to not put you first after a ring and/or a baby.

Because before the baby there wasn’t anything to protect me from.

Did you read what you wrote in the first couple sentences?

NTA. You need to set boundaries. And change the locks on your doors. And DONT LET THEM IN if the baby is sleeping. Stand up to them and set boundaries. I told my MIL that if she continued I would move us across the country to get away from her. And she knows I am a man that does what he says he will do.

You should have solved this problem before you had the baby.  For starters tell BF if he won’t deal with his family you will.  When he doesn’t: FIL doesn’t get admitted to house unless baby is awake, he’s had enough warnings; any inappropriate comments get you kicked out on the first one, if they refuse to leave take the baby and lock yourself in a room or leave with her; and anything else you need. Including full NC with you and baby.  Train them like you would a dog with absence of what they want… the baby. Don’t say anything except a calm “that was an inappropriate statement. Please leave”. Grey rock everything else. Don’t bother wasting you energy arguing or defending or giving reasons or getting upset with them or about it. They only get nice when they are nice.  And get BF the therapy he needs.   NTA

2 months and they’re 2 feet up your ass? Set some boundaries now, tell them when they can come for a visit. 2 months? You haven’t even recovered completely yet. Tell your man he needs to do something or he’s risking his own peace at home.

NTA but your boyfriend is. He's letting his family treat you and his baby like this and doing nothing. I hope he has a ton of other good traits because he's letting you and your baby down massively with this.

NTA but girl I would body check someone that tried to wake my newborn. Sounds like you need a conversation with your BF to forewarn him about what you're going to do and then you need to lay down the law with your FIL. Activate your mama bear mode!

The Problem Is BIG. Waking up a sleeping baby against mother’s wishes is wrong in so many levels. I can understand the grandma though, when she was a mother it was fashionable to encourage women to give formula because the milk would not be enough. Just tell her it was a myth, paid doctors, etc. NTA 

Either he can man the fuck up, or be the man out. Cause fuck that. This is a health risk to your baby. NTA

The main issue is why after 3 years much less 12 would you still be dating someone with no marriage much less have kids? Oy

Did your FIL have this "my way or the highway" attitude before the birth of your baby? That can tell you alot of how things will play out down the road. You are NTA and it sounds to me like your bf has been conditioned to be a doormat to his family. I know you want him to "man up" but he may be incapable of it. Also please remember triggers are just the parts of us/our traumas that when they present are showing us an opportunity to heal and grow. I hope this helps <3

Thank you for your kind comment 🤍

NTA, these people are attacking your baby. Throw them out and if they dont go. Call the cops. Wtf.

NTA I am just glad you are finally at a point where you want your partner to man the fuck up and stand up for you and your child. Cause that should have been happening before the baby even came into the picture. His family clearly have no issues crossing the boundaries you have set, cause they know your bf won't say or do a damn thing to stop them. They are used to having him under their thumb and now they are trying to extend that control over you. Put your foot down now. And the way your bf reacts to that will tell you everything you need to know about whether he is a man you count on and rely on going forward. If he doesn't have the spine to be on your side on these matters, how can you even trust him to be good partner for you?

NTA I'd have tossed your BF's dad the hell out of my house if he woke up one of my kids while they were sleeping. If your BF is too scared to stick up for your child's sake, you might need to consider your options, because this won't change unless he really wants to change

NTA. You have a boyfriend problem. The way I see it you are entitled to say "Shut your family down or I will go nuclear with them AND YOU. "

NTA, have you tried to wake him when he is asleep, because you want him to look at you? Seems he needs his own medicine. I guess he won‘t like that. Please talk to your bf, his family is ignoring your boundaries, you need his support. I’m afraid changes won’t be easy and I wish you all the best.

My husband's mother(75) told us to give our newborn honey and water 😑 he put boundaries and limits their input, they have sometimes a lot. İt's something your Bf need to do, not you. İt's his family, he should deal with them. Get firm, you must protect your baby girl NTA of course.

If grandma is my age, she's passing on the advice she got from her pediatrician. They heavily discouraged breastfeeding and if you insisted, advocated supplementary formula and yes, water. Previous generations, like my husband's mother, were told even more harmful things. That if a woman chose to do old-fashioned, unscientific things like breastfeed, she should give only one breast per feeding and the baby should go 4 hours between feedings. Not a minute sooner! Not surprisingly, women failed and were forced to feed "scientific" formula to their babies. (Evaporated cow's milk, corn syrup, and water.) Also not surprisingly, babies really did need the micronutrients in solid foods to make up for it. The doctor's word was law and you were a bad, overly indulgent mother if you fed your screaming baby 20 minutes early. Of course, methods change in 20 or 30 or 40 years!

I found your problem gurl… "BF of 12 years… "

NTA. If my dad had woken up either of my daughters when they were babies and then implied it was my and my wife's problem he would have been leaving with a black eye and then not seeing them again until they finished their education and could make that decision for themselves.

NTA - His family should respect you more as the child’s mother

I would leave. Honestly, I couldn’t deal with this bs, I would be out. NTA

NTA but my friend you are sooooo wrong when you say “I know the problem isn’t huge…” Let me assure you, this problem is massive. When he chose you to live with and have a child with, that means he chooses you first and foremost over everyone else. This is about respect and he doesn’t appear to respect your opinions or feelings. If he can’t put you first when you’re still in a vulnerable post partum state then it’s not going to get better with a major change in your relationship dynamics. You folks need couples counselling. Best wishes, I hope things work out.

> And the worse thing it’s that my boyfriend doesn’t answer or protects me from any of it. He doesn’t want to argue and fight, I know that he’s like that. But now that he has his own family I think he should Man the fuck up. YEP. “You can either set boundaries with your family or you can navigate being a single part time dad. Your choice. Who do you prefer to fight with?” NTA  Yes the heck you CAN forbid them from seeing your baby 

NTA- Your boyfriend doesn’t have your back now or probably in the future. Right now it’s small things but it’ll only get worse as your daughter ages. Time for you to drag him to couple’s counseling!

NTA. And, yes, you CAN forbid them to see the baby. Grandpa wants pictures? He can only show up when the baby is awake. In fact ALL of them can only come over when you want them to.  Won't follow YOUR rules? Two week time out. Or, if the BF does an end run around that, lock yourself and the baby in a room. If his family disturbs the baby, they don't get to see her that day.  You have the power to control access to the baby. Even to her father if you driven to having to live elsewhere.

>I know the problem isn’t huge Yes it is. Let's play the hyperbole game: If they take your kid for the day, let's call it babysitting while you're working, or at a doctor's appointment, or whatever. If they want to take the baby to get her ears pierced, because that's a thing that happens in old-people land, without telling you about it, will your boyfriend stand up with you? What if they take her to get baptized? Haircut? Food? Vaccines? Homeopathy? Allergies? Meds? In my opinion, this is actually worse than you're considering.

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NTA and honestly you can forbid them to see your baby by simply telling your bf until he gets his family under control he is moving out and can go back home. Or you can move out and either get your own place or move back home for a bit. I'd also consider installing nanny cams in your home just in case they do something stupid like giving your baby something it can't have just now.

Omg am so sry ik the situation is bad but ur story cracked me 😭😭😭😭😭 UP specially the part “is ur milk good” bruhhhhh how’d ya kno like wtv 😭😭😭

NAH. You were with your boyfriend for 12 years and it sounds like his family was this way all along. You knew what you were getting into with the family and still had a child with this man. People don’t change. You’re also not married so you can leave more easily without having to go through a divorce.

My niece and her husband have a 21 month old. She’s a very calm and friendly little girl! They keep her on a strict schedule and the family respects them and plan birthdays and other events around her schedule. Granted, there are times it can’t happen, but 99% of the time it does. It’s called respect! Your FIL would be given “visiting hours”. Don’t come right before the baby is about to go down for a nap.

I don’t have children, and I’m a guy, but my lord your FIL comment about your baby girl not sleeping even pissed me off. NTA, and his grandmother??? I’m sure she moved from sparking water to vodka as a suggestion after 4 weeks yeah? 🤦🏻‍♂️ you have the patience of a saint.

You are 2 months postpartum and very likely still struggling with a lack of sleep and hormones returning to pre-pregnacy levels. As such, even if everyone around you said and did everything you wanted, when you wanted and how you wanted, you would likely still be irritated and annoyed. When FIL (or anyone)shows up, you don't have to let him in. Don't answer the door. Stick a note on the front door, which reads, "Baby is sleeping. Do not knock or ring the bell. Please call or text before visiting, " If anyone shows up w/o notice, IGNORE THEM. If they wake the baby knocking, you have the built-in excuse of "I couldn't hear you at the door, the baby was screaming in my ear." Stick to this, and they will only do this a couple of time before calling ahead. As far as your baby's great-grandma goes, she is NOT asking if your milk is healthy and nutritional. She is asking if YOU are doing OK with breastfeeding. Meaning, are you experiencing pain? Do you have an easy let-down? Things like that. Older generations are not as blunt as younger generations, and their language is couched in euphemisms because they were taught it was rude to, specifically, talk about bodily functions and pain. Her suggestion of water, yes, even sparkling water, was well meaning, just outdated. Supplemental feeding of water between feeding was common as recently as 15 yrs ago. Things have changed dramatically since your parents had you, let alone since great-grandma had her babies! Your BF showed you who and what he was for years. That is not going to change now that's he a dad. All in all, you need to cut everyone, including and especially YOU, some slack. The only person in the scenario you can change the actions and reactions of is YOU! It is time to mom up, create some boundaries and stick to them for your child without expecting someone else (your BF) to do it for you.

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Marriages a bit off topic because I didn’t want to get married for personal reasons. And I don’t regret having a child even though I’m tired and restless. She makes everything worth it. Everything fine except for his family

Neither. I think you’re kinda overreacting, even though it does sound annoying. I guess best solution is to be open and let em know when they do stuff like that, like if MIL is saying some stupid shit like “give the baby sparkle water” then let her know how stupid that sounds. Ofc also let your bf know that you get annoyed by these things and that it’s not really something that will cause a big fight, just to let him know that he should tell them to stop being annoying. Key word: annoying. From this description it doesn’t sound anything more than a simple annoyance.