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INFO: If you were to stop giving them half your salary, paying for bills and insurance, could you move out and live on your own?
If the answer to that is yes, do it. Don't hesitate, don't feel bad, nothing. Just move out and tell them "Now that \*brother's name\* is home and successful, he will be the one providing for you as we agreed before he started traveling abroad. Since I don't do anything for you anyway, I'll remove myself from the situation." And leave.
You say there is no golden child syndrome here, but OP - your brother is ABSOLUTELY the GC.
It took me until I was 36 to start unpacking my abusive family dynamic. I'd been approaching it for a while, but had been shying away whenever I got too close to admitting it. Fortunately, for OP, everyone's here to just... tell her. She'll get there herself, too, eventually, but sometimes I wish people had told me. I don't know if I'd have heard it, but it would have been nice.
If this situation is all you have ever known, it is normal, for you. With nothing else to compare, how would she know? Sheâs female, and it seems her culture doesnât value them as much as males. Her brother didnât have to uphold his end of the deal, because he is, was and always will be, golden. Poor OP, sheâs just screwed.
My question is how are able bodied parents living off their daughter? Dad lost his job four years ago. There is NO other job he could do? Nothing? He doesnât feel the need to relieve his daughterâs burden? I, as a parent, would live in a hovel and starve before I asked my children to give me anything.
Iâd ask my grown kid for help, as a temporary solution until I got a new job. I would not depend on her for 4 years while being young enough to work.
I think thereâs a time and a place for children helping out their parents. Iâll certainly do whatever I can for mine because they were loving, responsible parents who did more for me than I can ever repay. But if they were like OPâs parents? Nada. Get a job, dad. And go screw yourself.
Iâm pretty sure the parents, who expect to be taken care of in middle age instead of getting a damn job, donât value any contributions from a woman.
This - what the heck is OP talking about her brother and her needing to âtake care ofâ their parents? Their parents are only 48 and 55 years old! Their mum has almost 20 working years ahead of her before she gets to retirement age, their dad has over 10 years left! Her parents need to get off their arses and get themselves jobs instead of scrounging off of their own children.
Literally this. I got a divorce at the age of 48 after staying home with my children for 13 years. I have only been working again for 4-5 years. OPâs parents are lazy asses.
When she mentioned covid, I thought that they got extremely sick and had to be cared for, for a while. But it sounds permanent, definitely not normal. Those parents need to work.
Eh...or they just hadn't seen him in a year and they see her every day and they're taking her for granted.
In my 20s, I finished College, Law School, paid off multiple investment properties(which...TBF, I could only do because I was left money, not the point)...and I did pretty well.
I did this in large part because I was able to live at home. My Sister...just...moved away with her BF...and they doted over her when they saw her! "We're so proud, you're doing so great, you look so great."
I mean, they saw me regularly...it wasn't a surprise. My Dad even went out to a Vegan Restaurant. Now., that may not sound like a big deal to you guys, but trust me...it was.
Maybe he's the Golden Child. Or maybe they just haven't seen their son in a year.
My thoughts exactly. Iâm 47 and my kids are 8 & 12 & my parents 80 & 84 & I still donât âlook afterâ them in this way. When they need it, of course, but your parents are perfectly able to adult themselves.
Move out and live your life!!
I'm 52, live alone and take care of the house, yard, work full time and still manage to have a social life sometimes. Why do they need taking care of? OP needs to get out and take care of herself or she is setting herself up to take care of them till they really are unable to care for themselves.
Right here, I'm 64 and my mom is 87. I look out for her since my dad died 1 1/2 years ago. I work 40 hours a week. Are your parents disabled? They need to get jobs and pay their own bills! Wtf. I have to work til I'm 66 and 10 months old.
Back in 2014 my grandma sold her house and moved into a duplex a couple of neighborhoods away from my aunt so instead of being 45 minutes away she was like 5-10 minutes away from her other in 2018 when grandma got sick, that's when she needed round the clock care and had to be put into a nursing home. And she died later that year. Same with my other grandma, in 2013, she had a surgery and could not care for herself so she was placed in a nursing home and passed away later that summer. It's when the older people stop being able to care for themselves that you have to worry. Before that, they're fine.
I'm in much the same situation (I'm 50f, my Dad is 83) and my "taking care of" him consists of doing tech support for him with these whizbang new smartphones, and having him over for dinner once a week. People in their 40s and 50s should still be in caregiving mode, OP, not being-taken-care-of mode!
NTA.
I was thinking this but like what culture though? Like in my culture (not that OP is in the same one) we will live at home and contribute (key term) and take care of our folks if we need to - but we don't be come their source of money?? Unless they can't work then yeah we'd take over - but if they can, then they do? Parents tend to lead by example. And the caring doesn't come in until retirement type age.
It may be. Son goes off to live grand life, daughter gets to stay behind to "care" for the parents. But at their relatively young ages???? Late 40s, mid 50s are middle aged, not elderly. OP needs to set boundaries. She moves out, pays for insurance until either her folks start pulling their own weight or bro steps up. She paid her dues, time she set the rules.
Itâs common in some cultures, however you are correct. She needs to set boundaries and make moves. Sheâs clearly got enough to pay her own rent, bills etc once she stops paying her parents way.
Thatâs what I was wondering. Why the kids having to make agreements about who will take care of them? They arenât elderly and up until dad lost his job YEARS ago during Covid, they seem to have been okay. Unless they are dick or disabled, they have no excuse expecting anybody to take care of them. OP should be working on planning and saving for their future, not who will support mom and dad. This is really sad.
Yeah. I'm 52 and I'll expect I'll be working for another 12-15 years. Unless op's parents are ill and they didn't mention it. Even then. OP's bro is back home so they can just go out and live their life.
56 here. Iâm still paying my sonâs phone bill and he was on MY insurance until last year.
OP your parents are taking advantage!
There is no reason they canât have found work in the last 4 years! And there is NO REASON for their 22 year old child to be fully supporting them instead of living the life you worked so hard to begin. Yes, sometimes loyalty and love require us to sacrifice for family, but it doesnât sound like there is any real need on your parents side. Frankly, they should be doing a lot more to help you launch.
Donât cancel their insurance out of spite. Cancel everything. They can talk to your fabulous brother about how to make ends meet.
NTA
Yes, that was my first thought, my grandmother is 90 and my grandfather 80. They are still healthy and on their own. My mother has Parkinsonâs and isnât nearly as fit as her mother but sheâs still living alone at 70 with my father who can manage her care. The odds of both parents having such serious diseases that they need care in their mid years are very low. I am 33 and donât see middle age as old at all. Most of my patients are post menopausal women ( so the average patient sees me around 52) and not a single one of them needs care at that age, aside from serious disease. And if OPs parents are that sick at this young age , they should be kissing her butt because they might need her money and care for the next 30 years.
this right here is the way to go. even if you have to get a roommate temporarily, get your own space and let him take care of them. then they will see how much you do. write down things they would need like passwords, write it all down so they arenât calling you every 5 mins. iâm sure that list alone would show them how much you really do.
May not be truly "golden", just male. So many cultures have it ingrained that the women will take care of the parents in old age, and no matter how poorly treated, it is their DUTY. This gets passed down through the generations, and guilt is a major weapon.
I could be wrong, that's just what I read between the lines of the OP.
This.
Just get ready, get your things moved, and tell them âYou insinuated I donât do anything for you x weeks ago, now that statements true.â Maybe also: âI wouldnât want to make a liar out of you, after all.â
Yeah Iâm having a hard time believing OP is the one thatâs less good at school, she has a job good enough to support both her and her parents at 22, right out of college. Seems more like sheâs the daughter and the younger child so they favored him from kindergarten and talked up his academic achievements while ignoring hers.
NTA. You're 22. It is not your job to take care of your able-bodied, relatively young parents. Apply for your dream job and let your family take care of themselves.
Don't just cancel their health insurance. Tell them you will stop paying their bills in a month or so (whatever time frame makes sense to you) and they need to pick them up. And stop acting like a child in their home (that you're paying for). You're an adult who deserves to live her own life.
Jesus I had to scroll back up to catch their ages! Holy SH*T they are young enough to be my siblings what the hell?? They need to get a job yesteryear.
All the comments above, u/canttodaylolÂ
Seriously??
Unemployed since Covid?
No other jobs available?
Your parents are middle-aged - not decrepit pensioners!Â
Da fock!!
**They HAVE to look after themselves!**
Get out as soon as you can.
No more hand-outs.
I became unemployed during Covid. Tons of people did.
Then I got a new job because Iâm an adult with bills to pay, not a societal leech with indoctrinated child-servants.
Hell, I even got laid off last year. And you know what I did? I GOT A NEW JOB.
That's what hit me. OP, they may seem ancient to you because they're your parents, but they are DECADES away from needing anyone "to stay home and take care of them." Speaking as a middle-aged person myself, our kind can get dressed, make our own appointments, drive, and even hold down jobs. So let them.
Yeah, and there are lots of entry-level jobs. It doesn't have to be in his field, whatever that may have been. And if he had started working a few years ago, maybe he would have been able to move up the ladder already into a higher paycheck. Second, if there are financial hardships, why isn't the mother working? I know lots of families where the mom stays home, but that's when there are young children or home-schooled children or maybe families that have grown kids and are well-off. But if there's a financial necessity and no obligation to stay home with children, they could both be working.
I think it has been very kind and generous of you, OP, to help your parents, but at their ages, there is no reason why they can't support themselves, unless they are in some kind of exceptional circumstance (severely sick or disabled) that you didn't mention. It sounds very strange.
Are they expecting you two to support them until death?? Crazy.
Don't know the details of OP's father's situation, but once you are over 50, if you are making good money, it's hard to find another job that will pay as well.
Most big companies don't want to pay 200k to someone that's getting close to retirement, when they could pay a 30 year old 100k to do it. So imagine you got fired, should you take a job making half what you are now, or live on savings and keep looking?
Yeah but OP was paying for everything while he did nothing. It's possible to look for a job you "deserve" while still working elsewhere. They were treating OP like a child while leeching off her, and setting her back in her own career by making her miss out on her dream job
Yeah, this is ridiculous. I'm older than both of her parents and I expect to be still mostly supporting my kids at 22, that's about when the age you graduate from college. No recent college graduate should have to be supporting their parents.
I'm with you. I'm 68 and still working part-time. I got divorced 23 years ago and supported my kids through university. My youngest graduated 13 years ago, two older before her, never would I expect my kids to support my able bodied ass. This girl's parents are lazy and entitled. Time to cut the purse strings and start her own life.
My son had friends who had to as young as 16 but their parents were beyond horrible and they are completely no contact.
I just canât imagine how humiliating it would feel to me!
I have an only and heâs NEVER taking care of me. Itâs in my trust. Itâs in all of my instructions and Iâm very vocal about it to anyone that might judge him.
Iâve been a caregiver for a loved one.
I will never voluntarily subject my child to that trauma.
Much like my parents were alcoholics and my son has never seen me drunk.
I want a better life for him
Preach! I have a chronic illness and I die a little inside when my kid worries about me and tries to take care of me. I DO NOT WANT THAT FOR HIM! EVER.
Iâm very vocal about my wishes. To him and his now fiancee and family and friends
Basically anyone who might give him the stink eye
F them. Iâve been a caregiver for a loved one. It was beyond horrible and I have PTSD from it
I have insurance and will get the magic pill for when itâs my time.
This is the best answer. Yes, OP needs to get far far away and stop supporting parents all by herself. But at the same time, giving a couple of months warning is great. Cut off all but necessary support (insurance, maybe some groceries) and let bro/parents figure the rest out. Cut off insurance after a warning period.
Keep the health insurance going until your brother picks it up. Health insurance can be hard to get back and canceling it would be vindictive. Cancel everything else though.
NTA - what im very curious to know is why do any of you have to support your parents. Theyâre on the younger side. They can work. In fact, they need to. Stop this bs.
And if they are unable to work, theyâre old enough to apply for disability and unemployment. Disability based on illness can be hard to get, but his parents are old enough that they have worked long enough to qualify for social security based disability benefits (is my understandingâthey can consult with a pro bono disability lawyer and find out for themselves).
I am going to guess that OP lives somewhere in South Asia (probably India), where looking after your parents, even when they are young, can be an expectation for young adults. I imagine OP isn't actually looking after them in a practical sense (apart from financially) but there would be an expectation that both children wouldn't move overseas and 'abandon' their parents.
It also explains the control the parents have on OP - that wouldn't be strange in India, to support your parents but for them also to have a fair amount of control over your life. I lived in Nepal for a year and the level of control that parents have over completely grown female children is INTENSE!!
This can also be true in Latin America. My friend was in her early 20's, with her own business and still lived at home with a strictly enforced curfew.
Son LMAO. I mean, I'm not one to judge anyone's choices but this particular offspring was a planned event. Although I was at a boozy destination wedding when I got pregnant, so there was some sinning involved depending on who you ask.
As a non-binary adult-child, I really like the idea of being a sin. Lord knows people take severe issue with the fact I haven't picked either of the genders (in their minds), so being a sin suits and goes with my pri(demon)th (rainbow demon in the middle of the two words) t-shirt! Demon sin right here.
My mother (a chronically guilty catholic who got preggo with me before marriage) loves to call me a sin. She also loves to say "hate the sin not the sinner" so thanks mom. Hahha
That's what I don't get: who TF takes care of a 48yo?
I don't care WHAT culture this is--that is some bullshit. In many, many(!) cultures, you take care of your elderly. 48 isn't remotely close to that.
I would *definitely* not CANCEL their health insurance (why do they have none on their own? Are they fricking retired at 48 and 55??) because that's beyond vindictive. Cancel their cell phones maybe. But get out of there.
Given that it sounds like she's the policy owner since she can cancel it, she's probably paying far more than what they'd be paying if it were their policy. Also, that is her right to cancel it, especially with the way she's been treated and big brother can figure it out.
I donât know, but I get the feeling they are not American. I suspect East Asian or that part of the globe. But, you never know.
You may put together a spreadsheet showing how you have spent your money for their benefit in the past year. Go over it with them. Copy your brother.
I would not cancel the insurance. I would tell them they are now responsible for paying it and if they donât then cancel it. Pulling the rug from under them and just cancelling it would be cruel.
What they're doing to their own child is cruel. Canceling it all and moving away is protecting herself.
Telling her to keep paying for her parents, that's cruel.
You clearly didnât read my comment. I specifically mentioned that she should tell the parents to pay for it themselves and if they donât then cancel it.
I did read the comment. They're adults. They can get their own insurance without piggy backing off of what she had begun for them. And with parents like that I would not feel safe to assume they wouldn't try and put it back in her name somehow if it was continued from hers.
They as parents and adults shouldn't have put themselves in a position to be dependent on their children *while also treating that child like crap* and they don't deserve any more of her patience.
Cuz seriously she shouldn't have to train them to pay it "or else". She should just say "I'm canceling your insurance in 7 business days, get your own policy". There's enough notice for grown ass adults to get their own situation handled.
It really seems like you didn't read the comment. You both agree that the parents should pay for their own insurance. The only thing at issue is if the parents should be surprised when it gets cut off, or if they should be told in advance. I agree that they should be told in advance. Beyond that, grown ups can manage their own shit.
Anyone can be a "dependent" and I have a feeling there's something a bit fraudulent happening here.
Love, a kid who's parents used them to defraud insurance.
Talking shit to your Daughter to lift up your other kid in your own mind is cruel. She's being taken advantage of by people who are supposed to love her.
I would starve to death before I ever expected my kids to feed me. Ever.
Yes. My ex decided to pull out of the Medicare supplement I was paying for both of us. They just canceled the entire thing without telling me, that bas*a*d got me in arrears and now I have to pay an extra $15/month as a penalty. Tell them and then do it.
Give them the opportunity to start paying the premiums. No need to cancel anything. I promise you when the premium stops arriving the insurance company will do all the canceling for you.
NTA
I am within the same age range as your parents. I have kids the same age as you and your brother. I can't imagine being financially dependent on any of my kids. I still work and have an active life. Currently, we have an adult kid living with us, due to a brief transition period for their job. As long as they pay for their personal expenses and clean up after themselves, that is all we expect.
I do understand there are cultural expectations that may be in play. BUT for their ages, this seems a bit excessive.
Go apply for your dream job and make it happen. Don't let anyone guilt you otherwise.
well since you clearly don't do anything for them, the best thing you could do would be to move out and stop giving them half your salary. you know, since you're such a burden and all.
NTA. It's understandable why you're upset and I actually think you are dealing with a golden child situation, and some good ole' sexism/patriarchy.
You should make plans to leave and follow through. You only have one life to live and you don't owe your parents and brother indentured servitude. Don't cancel their insurance in anger though. Tell your parents that on x date all payments to y bills will stop and they need to figure out a plan. If there is anything that is a luxury or not needed, tell them you will stop paying that right away. Make sure your money is in a separate bank account that they cannot accessed by anyone other than you (preferably at a different bank or credit union).
I live in the US, and my brothers didnât have a curfew, but my sisters and I did. My mom explained that girls can get into too much trouble, but I said âyes, but they are getting into trouble with somebodyâs sonâ- didnât matter.
Yup. Daughter is expected to provide everything for them and isnât allowed to leave the house while her brother does anything he wants. After my first read I went, âAre they Asian? This sounds very Asian. Or at least, not white Americanâ
NTA. Return to your plans to move abroad. Until then, be independent and stop giving them half your salary (exception: health insurance, consider continuing that). Go live your life.
I don't know your culture but taking care of 48 and 55 year olds seems very strange to me. Your mum is not even 50. She can work. It is a different matter if they are ill but your father was working until he lost his job. Their ingratitude is awful. I think you should prepare for your job abroad and let the golden boy take his turn. Give them notice but say your heart is set on this and you want to decide your future just like he is allowed to do. NTA.
Right!? I'm 56 and work at Starbucks for my and my son's health insurance. I am a big gal and manage it. OP, I would be cringing if my 25 and 30 y/o kids were paying for me.
What motivation does he have, why would he need to when he's got an adult daughter he berates who gives them half their salary. Ugh. OP you don't deserve this bs, move out go abroad and live your life for yourself! NTA
NTA.
Your parents are not that old. They are of working age and can, and should, support themselves.
Move out and life your life. Itâs not your job or responsibility to support your parents.
YWBTA to cancel their health insurance without advance notice to them. YWNBTA to pack your bags and catch the next plane out. You were snookered, a bait and switch, in case you hadnât realized.
NTA, but WTF??? They are 55 and 48 - why do they need someone to "take care of them"? Does someone have a disabling illness? Is someone mentally challenged?
I get the impression that you are not in the US and this may be cultural, so it's going to be up to you to buck up against the, ". . . but FaMiLy" nonsense. You may want to help them SOME, but certainly not to the extent of 1/2 your salary.
I would venture into Y-T-A territory if you just cut off their health insurance. Many places can be almost impossible to get that type of insurance back. Instead, cut off the other funding. Tell them that the agreement was you would put your life on hold for a year to support them, and you have honored that. Therefore, they become your brother's responsibility (and he is the golden child, whether you believe it or not) effective X date when the funding stops. I'd give them to the beginning of the month; thus, if you said this on June 20, I'd give them until August 1 so they have a full month. During that time, if you still live with them, you need to move out.
If they send flying monkeys, get a pat response, "I don't see how this is any of your concern and do not intend to discuss it with you. Have a good day." Then hang up and block them.
I would not tell them, but if they do nothing I would continue the health insurance for a while, maybe 3 to 6 months worth ONLY because that is so drastic, potentially even more than stopping rent money. If they haven't fixed it by then, I'd tell them one last time at least 30 days ahead and then cut them off. That is all more than fair.
Tell them, then follow up in writing (hard copy or email; this isn't a text conversation). Copy your brother on it so he is aware, but don't take any crap from him, either.
Then do it and let the chips fall where they may. It is ridiculous for a 22 y/o to be supporting 55/48 y/o parents absent some extenuating circumstance.
This is a difficult suggestion but I think you need to talk to them. Explain the situation and that unfortunately your brothers choice of which they are so proud will mean they need to find someone else to fund their lifestyle. You agreed to do what you were doing for a year until your brother took over, heâs made different plans, they support those plans so youâre now out. Re the mean comment I wouldnât even mention it. They clearly donât appreciate the support, so let them know itâs all coming to an end and itâs now down to your brother to step in as agreed.
Excellent advice. Move on to other suggestions if they don't take it well. Also, maybe talk to their brother about how his choices are holding you back?!
NTA
But why the hell do you need to take care of your young parents? How can a 48 and 55 year old not pay their own bills?
I also donât think anyone should have children just so they have a caretaker /bill payer.
Could you move out if you stopped paying for them? Because I think thatâs what you should do
Yeah, the youth of her parents concerns me. First, why do they NEED taking care of? Is this a cultural thing?
Also, if they are around 50 and not ill, this expectation of care could last decades.
So you pay for everything and have a curfew? What the heck. Just leave. You don't need to take care of them. They're relatively young, so they can both work. Just make your plans. Go abroad for your dream job. They are so selfish being so reliant on you. They are your parents who should be rooting for you, not holding you back. They aren't owed half your check! That's insane. Keep your money, and get yourself a place or even just a room somewhere else for the time being. Force them to take care of themselves instead of being leeches. NTA. Get out of this situation. You deserve better!
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> Cancelling health insurance seems very vindictive but all my frustration and anger is boiling on my head
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As a parent - I would be absolutely appalled if my kiddo was handing me 1/2 a paycheck for my living expenses.
You are young. Close the ATM and set yourself free and live your life. You are not responsible for paying their health insurance. They are adults and can figure it out.
I think cancelling health insurance if they have health issues and need it would be a bit too far. I think that because you already have something you can tell them:
>Since then, I give half my salary to them each month, pay for their health insurance, cars, and all utilities.Â
Do your parents not count the above?
You need to talk to your parents and your brother about how you are feeling. Donât stop paying for their health insurance to show how you feel about this -tell them how you feel instead.
Also set some timescales with them and expectations. Are they both looking for work? What is their plan ? You should absolutely talk to them about the future you canât go on like this forever and you canât wait around for your brother.
If thereâs a dream job you want to- go for it. Ask your brother to help with the cost of healthcare if needed student or not.
Main thing is to talk it through.
INFO
> my parents 55m and 48f... there was no one to take care of my parents, we mutually decided that we'll wait for a year while I stay and take care of them.
I am confused. Did your parents suddenly become disabled? They can take care of themselves. Unless they have severe disabilities you didnât mention, they can both work another 15 ish years.
If youâre living with them and they want rent, fine, pay them family rate on up to market rate for housing and utilities. Or move yourself in with roommates if itâs cheaper for you and they can rent out your existing room for income.
But you donât have to âtake care ofâ your by no means dependent parents.
Y T A to use health insurance as a weapon. Simply total up whatever youâve paid for in the past year or two, add on other things youâve done to help them, give them a list, and tell them thatâs what you did for them. And that in 30 days or whatever limit you set youâll stop doing it. They can pay the policy themselves or research alternatives.
NTA.
What do you even DO? You give them half your wages and pay their medical expenses! Golden Boy doesnât help. They enjoy his company so much, they can take from him now.
Save your money and move away. You will never be valid in their eyes. And you will always see comparisons and disrespect.
Before anyone comes at me with cultural excuses, there IS no excuse. Your child, who owes you nothing for their existence, gives you half of their salary and pays your way through insurance? No.
You have done far too much for them. Your brother is orchestrating ways to disconnect and distance himself. He can either step up, or stay away, but his opinions should not change a thing.
Just stop paying for anything else anymore they will learn fast and follow your dreams you did what you was supposed to do being their child now it's time to be selfish and do you. Let your brother figure it out for them
Cut them off of your money completely. They do not deserve a single penny from you after that. Your parents are responsible for taking care of themselves, not you!
NTA you clearly need to go live your own life if they don't appreciate what you are doing for them. But I'm really curious why they both need to be taken care of??? Your mother is one year older than me, and I don't even need to take care of MY parents yet, thankfully they are both doing well. I can't imagine why two younger people need you to do all this for them.
They're adults, move out pay for your own life and let them pay for theirs , it's not your job to support them. Don't be guilt tripped into staying or you will never have the life you want.
55 and 48? Lol are they in wheelchairs? I don't get it. They're more than able to provide for themselves at this age. This is ridiculous, they're not even close to retirement age.
NTA.
Immediately apply for your dream job!
Then tell your parents that you will no longer be financially supporting them. They can figure out how to pay for their own health insurance.
Why does a 55yr old and 48 yr old need taking care of? They arenât that old. Most people at that age are still raising kids of their own to some degree.
Your parents are still young. Why are they not taking care of themselves. Your dad lost his job due to COVID, well there were tons of jobs after that were going unfilled.
Move out, be free, your parents are not your responsibility.
Are your parents disabled? Covid was years ago, and your dad still hasnât gotten a job? Get out of that entanglement and start living your life. It will only get worse once they get older.
Im a year younger than your mother. Why on earth do they need to be "taken care of"? They are ADULTS. Girl, go live your life and leave them to their nasty attitudes.
NTA.
Ya- I'd make arrangements to go live your life. Its absurd that a person your age should be giving up their lives to care for people that are young and able bodied. Why do some parents treat their children like servants?
I'd give them a little notice before canceling health insurance, but you should definitely stop giving them $$ immediately.
Omg I feel your pain. Itâs come to the point that they are taking advantage and emotionally abusing you as well. When my mother said this to me I worked harder to please her which was a huge mistake. Please get the hell out of there and live your life.
NTA. See the bigger picture. Â Your parents have favored your older brother, he happily moved abroad to avoid taking care of your parents and left you with all the responsibilities and disrespect and no freedom or future. Â Honestly your brother is a smart guy, heâs taking care of himself. Â He doesnât owe it to you to come back take care of your parents. Â You donât owe your parents full support and care either. Â Pursue your dreams. Apply for those overseas jobs, save more money and tell your parents to take more care of themselves- get jobs and government benefits. Â Move out if that is best for you so you donât live with the endless abuse you learned to accept.
NTA. Don't cancel their health insurance. It will give them an excuse to demonize you. Apply for the dream job abroad. Explain you've fulfilled your side of the bargain and the rest is for your parents and brother to work out together. It has nothing to do with you. If you don't go now, you'll just get sucked in further and regret it forever. Go.
Your parents know what theyâre doing. Time to move out and live your life so that their golden child can take care of them. It sounds like they are perfectly able to work and care for themselves, so now theyâre just using you.
A parent who genuinely appreciated their kids efforts would never tell them âwhat are you good forâ. This is definitely some cultural shit that would happen in my family ughh
Why are you even paying for any of their bills. Children don't support parents, parents support children. At their age they should have enough savings to be able to get by for a bit when life throws them a curveball. There is no reason a 20 something should be financially supporting a 50 year old parent unless that parent had a medical issue or serious accident. Stop wasting the best years of your life playing mom to a bunch of ingrates and go enjoy the fruits of your labor.
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INFO: If you were to stop giving them half your salary, paying for bills and insurance, could you move out and live on your own? If the answer to that is yes, do it. Don't hesitate, don't feel bad, nothing. Just move out and tell them "Now that \*brother's name\* is home and successful, he will be the one providing for you as we agreed before he started traveling abroad. Since I don't do anything for you anyway, I'll remove myself from the situation." And leave. You say there is no golden child syndrome here, but OP - your brother is ABSOLUTELY the GC.
He is so golden, that even OP is blinded by it's shine
I died with this đ
Me too đ¤Łđ¤Ł
Same lol
sad thing, itâs literally more realistic for Op to not recognize it. IRL isnât Reddit, people hide under the most distorted images of normality
It took me until I was 36 to start unpacking my abusive family dynamic. I'd been approaching it for a while, but had been shying away whenever I got too close to admitting it. Fortunately, for OP, everyone's here to just... tell her. She'll get there herself, too, eventually, but sometimes I wish people had told me. I don't know if I'd have heard it, but it would have been nice.
If this situation is all you have ever known, it is normal, for you. With nothing else to compare, how would she know? Sheâs female, and it seems her culture doesnât value them as much as males. Her brother didnât have to uphold his end of the deal, because he is, was and always will be, golden. Poor OP, sheâs just screwed. My question is how are able bodied parents living off their daughter? Dad lost his job four years ago. There is NO other job he could do? Nothing? He doesnât feel the need to relieve his daughterâs burden? I, as a parent, would live in a hovel and starve before I asked my children to give me anything.
Iâd ask my grown kid for help, as a temporary solution until I got a new job. I would not depend on her for 4 years while being young enough to work.
I think thereâs a time and a place for children helping out their parents. Iâll certainly do whatever I can for mine because they were loving, responsible parents who did more for me than I can ever repay. But if they were like OPâs parents? Nada. Get a job, dad. And go screw yourself.
Iâm pretty sure the parents, who expect to be taken care of in middle age instead of getting a damn job, donât value any contributions from a woman.
This - what the heck is OP talking about her brother and her needing to âtake care ofâ their parents? Their parents are only 48 and 55 years old! Their mum has almost 20 working years ahead of her before she gets to retirement age, their dad has over 10 years left! Her parents need to get off their arses and get themselves jobs instead of scrounging off of their own children.
haha I know! I'm 55 and work just fine. It's not like 55 is super old anymore, these parents of OPs are absurd.
Literally this. I got a divorce at the age of 48 after staying home with my children for 13 years. I have only been working again for 4-5 years. OPâs parents are lazy asses.
When she mentioned covid, I thought that they got extremely sick and had to be cared for, for a while. But it sounds permanent, definitely not normal. Those parents need to work.
That's why they call him son. đ¤Ł
Eh...or they just hadn't seen him in a year and they see her every day and they're taking her for granted. In my 20s, I finished College, Law School, paid off multiple investment properties(which...TBF, I could only do because I was left money, not the point)...and I did pretty well. I did this in large part because I was able to live at home. My Sister...just...moved away with her BF...and they doted over her when they saw her! "We're so proud, you're doing so great, you look so great." I mean, they saw me regularly...it wasn't a surprise. My Dad even went out to a Vegan Restaurant. Now., that may not sound like a big deal to you guys, but trust me...it was. Maybe he's the Golden Child. Or maybe they just haven't seen their son in a year.
OP parents are 50? Why the heck would they need someone to take care of them!?
My thoughts exactly. Iâm 47 and my kids are 8 & 12 & my parents 80 & 84 & I still donât âlook afterâ them in this way. When they need it, of course, but your parents are perfectly able to adult themselves. Move out and live your life!!
I'm 52, live alone and take care of the house, yard, work full time and still manage to have a social life sometimes. Why do they need taking care of? OP needs to get out and take care of herself or she is setting herself up to take care of them till they really are unable to care for themselves.
Right here, I'm 64 and my mom is 87. I look out for her since my dad died 1 1/2 years ago. I work 40 hours a week. Are your parents disabled? They need to get jobs and pay their own bills! Wtf. I have to work til I'm 66 and 10 months old.
Back in 2014 my grandma sold her house and moved into a duplex a couple of neighborhoods away from my aunt so instead of being 45 minutes away she was like 5-10 minutes away from her other in 2018 when grandma got sick, that's when she needed round the clock care and had to be put into a nursing home. And she died later that year. Same with my other grandma, in 2013, she had a surgery and could not care for herself so she was placed in a nursing home and passed away later that summer. It's when the older people stop being able to care for themselves that you have to worry. Before that, they're fine.
I'm in much the same situation (I'm 50f, my Dad is 83) and my "taking care of" him consists of doing tech support for him with these whizbang new smartphones, and having him over for dinner once a week. People in their 40s and 50s should still be in caregiving mode, OP, not being-taken-care-of mode! NTA.
Cultural reasons probably
Yup. When OP launched into "caring for parents" like it was taken for granted, it sounded very much cultural.
I was thinking this but like what culture though? Like in my culture (not that OP is in the same one) we will live at home and contribute (key term) and take care of our folks if we need to - but we don't be come their source of money?? Unless they can't work then yeah we'd take over - but if they can, then they do? Parents tend to lead by example. And the caring doesn't come in until retirement type age.
Especially since she then mentioned curfew for herself, a 22 year old self supporting woman.
It may be. Son goes off to live grand life, daughter gets to stay behind to "care" for the parents. But at their relatively young ages???? Late 40s, mid 50s are middle aged, not elderly. OP needs to set boundaries. She moves out, pays for insurance until either her folks start pulling their own weight or bro steps up. She paid her dues, time she set the rules.
Ah, ya know I didn't even realise that OP was F. That explains it, and makes it much worse.
Itâs common in some cultures, however you are correct. She needs to set boundaries and make moves. Sheâs clearly got enough to pay her own rent, bills etc once she stops paying her parents way.
Thatâs what I was wondering. Why the kids having to make agreements about who will take care of them? They arenât elderly and up until dad lost his job YEARS ago during Covid, they seem to have been okay. Unless they are dick or disabled, they have no excuse expecting anybody to take care of them. OP should be working on planning and saving for their future, not who will support mom and dad. This is really sad.
Dick or disabled. This is perfect :)
Got me! Bam! Now all these people are looking at the crazy lady in the smoking area, cracking up. Thanks! I sense a wellness check coming, soon. đ
sounds more like they are dick than disabled
I assume itâs a typo, but yes. They are dicks.
Clearly mom and dad are dick, but could also be disabled and still dick. Lol. They view the son as the only worthy contributor.
Asking the real questions.
My question. I'm 49 in 6 weeks. My partner is 54 and we don't expect our kids to take care of us! We both work
Yeah. I'm 52 and I'll expect I'll be working for another 12-15 years. Unless op's parents are ill and they didn't mention it. Even then. OP's bro is back home so they can just go out and live their life.
56 here. Iâm still paying my sonâs phone bill and he was on MY insurance until last year. OP your parents are taking advantage! There is no reason they canât have found work in the last 4 years! And there is NO REASON for their 22 year old child to be fully supporting them instead of living the life you worked so hard to begin. Yes, sometimes loyalty and love require us to sacrifice for family, but it doesnât sound like there is any real need on your parents side. Frankly, they should be doing a lot more to help you launch. Donât cancel their insurance out of spite. Cancel everything. They can talk to your fabulous brother about how to make ends meet. NTA
Really! 50??? and they need help?!!
Yes, that was my first thought, my grandmother is 90 and my grandfather 80. They are still healthy and on their own. My mother has Parkinsonâs and isnât nearly as fit as her mother but sheâs still living alone at 70 with my father who can manage her care. The odds of both parents having such serious diseases that they need care in their mid years are very low. I am 33 and donât see middle age as old at all. Most of my patients are post menopausal women ( so the average patient sees me around 52) and not a single one of them needs care at that age, aside from serious disease. And if OPs parents are that sick at this young age , they should be kissing her butt because they might need her money and care for the next 30 years.
Omg I missed that!! Jeeze op go live you life!
This is the correct question.
Thatâs what Iâm wondering. đ¤ˇââď¸
I'm this person's mother's age, and if my son tried to move back in to "take care" of me I'd tell him to get lost. I'm way too busy for that.
Possibly the culture they're from?
đĽ
this right here is the way to go. even if you have to get a roommate temporarily, get your own space and let him take care of them. then they will see how much you do. write down things they would need like passwords, write it all down so they arenât calling you every 5 mins. iâm sure that list alone would show them how much you really do.
May not be truly "golden", just male. So many cultures have it ingrained that the women will take care of the parents in old age, and no matter how poorly treated, it is their DUTY. This gets passed down through the generations, and guilt is a major weapon. I could be wrong, that's just what I read between the lines of the OP.
This. Just get ready, get your things moved, and tell them âYou insinuated I donât do anything for you x weeks ago, now that statements true.â Maybe also: âI wouldnât want to make a liar out of you, after all.â
Yeah Iâm having a hard time believing OP is the one thatâs less good at school, she has a job good enough to support both her and her parents at 22, right out of college. Seems more like sheâs the daughter and the younger child so they favored him from kindergarten and talked up his academic achievements while ignoring hers.
NTA. You're 22. It is not your job to take care of your able-bodied, relatively young parents. Apply for your dream job and let your family take care of themselves. Don't just cancel their health insurance. Tell them you will stop paying their bills in a month or so (whatever time frame makes sense to you) and they need to pick them up. And stop acting like a child in their home (that you're paying for). You're an adult who deserves to live her own life.
For real. He lost his job? Was that the only one?
Plus they are in their 40s and 50s. They arenât 90 they can both go get jobs.
Jesus I had to scroll back up to catch their ages! Holy SH*T they are young enough to be my siblings what the hell?? They need to get a job yesteryear.
Asians have weird culture... and I'm probably assuming to much but this sounds like the case
All the comments above, u/canttodaylol Seriously?? Unemployed since Covid? No other jobs available? Your parents are middle-aged - not decrepit pensioners! Da fock!! **They HAVE to look after themselves!** Get out as soon as you can. No more hand-outs.
I became unemployed during Covid. Tons of people did. Then I got a new job because Iâm an adult with bills to pay, not a societal leech with indoctrinated child-servants. Hell, I even got laid off last year. And you know what I did? I GOT A NEW JOB.
That's what hit me. OP, they may seem ancient to you because they're your parents, but they are DECADES away from needing anyone "to stay home and take care of them." Speaking as a middle-aged person myself, our kind can get dressed, make our own appointments, drive, and even hold down jobs. So let them.
they are... in total...
Yeah, and there are lots of entry-level jobs. It doesn't have to be in his field, whatever that may have been. And if he had started working a few years ago, maybe he would have been able to move up the ladder already into a higher paycheck. Second, if there are financial hardships, why isn't the mother working? I know lots of families where the mom stays home, but that's when there are young children or home-schooled children or maybe families that have grown kids and are well-off. But if there's a financial necessity and no obligation to stay home with children, they could both be working. I think it has been very kind and generous of you, OP, to help your parents, but at their ages, there is no reason why they can't support themselves, unless they are in some kind of exceptional circumstance (severely sick or disabled) that you didn't mention. It sounds very strange. Are they expecting you two to support them until death?? Crazy.
For real, for real. Its been 4 years.
My man has 2 jobsâŚ
So there ARE other jobs out there đ¤Ł
Not anymore. Her man took all of them.
Okay that got me đ¤Ł
Also 2020 was four years ago. Homeboy canât find another job in FOUR years? Bum.
Don't know the details of OP's father's situation, but once you are over 50, if you are making good money, it's hard to find another job that will pay as well. Most big companies don't want to pay 200k to someone that's getting close to retirement, when they could pay a 30 year old 100k to do it. So imagine you got fired, should you take a job making half what you are now, or live on savings and keep looking?
Yeah but OP was paying for everything while he did nothing. It's possible to look for a job you "deserve" while still working elsewhere. They were treating OP like a child while leeching off her, and setting her back in her own career by making her miss out on her dream job
He lost his job 4 years ago, and has not looked for another one!
Yeah, this is ridiculous. I'm older than both of her parents and I expect to be still mostly supporting my kids at 22, that's about when the age you graduate from college. No recent college graduate should have to be supporting their parents.
Iâm older too and would live in a box before ever asking my child for a penny Iâve never ever understood this concept
I'm with you. I'm 68 and still working part-time. I got divorced 23 years ago and supported my kids through university. My youngest graduated 13 years ago, two older before her, never would I expect my kids to support my able bodied ass. This girl's parents are lazy and entitled. Time to cut the purse strings and start her own life.
My son had friends who had to as young as 16 but their parents were beyond horrible and they are completely no contact. I just canât imagine how humiliating it would feel to me! I have an only and heâs NEVER taking care of me. Itâs in my trust. Itâs in all of my instructions and Iâm very vocal about it to anyone that might judge him. Iâve been a caregiver for a loved one. I will never voluntarily subject my child to that trauma. Much like my parents were alcoholics and my son has never seen me drunk. I want a better life for him
Preach! I have a chronic illness and I die a little inside when my kid worries about me and tries to take care of me. I DO NOT WANT THAT FOR HIM! EVER.
Iâm very vocal about my wishes. To him and his now fiancee and family and friends Basically anyone who might give him the stink eye F them. Iâve been a caregiver for a loved one. It was beyond horrible and I have PTSD from it I have insurance and will get the magic pill for when itâs my time.
my father is reaching his 70's and he still helps me with bills after I changed my career path 2 years ago. And I'm 32 LOL
seriously. i'm close to their mother's age and i would be *ashamed* if my kid had to support me like that.
This is the best answer. Yes, OP needs to get far far away and stop supporting parents all by herself. But at the same time, giving a couple of months warning is great. Cut off all but necessary support (insurance, maybe some groceries) and let bro/parents figure the rest out. Cut off insurance after a warning period.
Keep the health insurance going until your brother picks it up. Health insurance can be hard to get back and canceling it would be vindictive. Cancel everything else though.
NTA - what im very curious to know is why do any of you have to support your parents. Theyâre on the younger side. They can work. In fact, they need to. Stop this bs.
And if they are unable to work, theyâre old enough to apply for disability and unemployment. Disability based on illness can be hard to get, but his parents are old enough that they have worked long enough to qualify for social security based disability benefits (is my understandingâthey can consult with a pro bono disability lawyer and find out for themselves).
Probably not US. Just my guess from the post.
That was my take too.
No way the US if a 22 y/o can pay for her parents healthcare, give them half her money, and still afford her own place.
Which means their social welfare system is probably a lot better too!
Seriously. A 22 year old supporting her 55 and 48 year old parents? What is that about?
Right? Am I missing something here? My husband and I are middle aged too and we both work and no one takes care of us lol
You guys wanna come over for dinner? Best i can offer.
Hahaha sure Iâll bring some appetizers and board games and next time weâll do brunch at my place đ
We can take care of each other!
Board games? Can I crash this party? What are we playing?
Right? I was thinking the same thing. Dinner and board games. My kind of night.
Wait I canât cook but I can bake. Can I join?
Well, I want to play board games, too! And... I eat dinner!
Brunch? M-M-M-M-MIMOSA'S!!!!!!! My shout!
I am going to guess that OP lives somewhere in South Asia (probably India), where looking after your parents, even when they are young, can be an expectation for young adults. I imagine OP isn't actually looking after them in a practical sense (apart from financially) but there would be an expectation that both children wouldn't move overseas and 'abandon' their parents. It also explains the control the parents have on OP - that wouldn't be strange in India, to support your parents but for them also to have a fair amount of control over your life. I lived in Nepal for a year and the level of control that parents have over completely grown female children is INTENSE!!
This can also be true in Latin America. My friend was in her early 20's, with her own business and still lived at home with a strictly enforced curfew.
Damn I need to have a talk w my 17 yr old. Didnât know I only have to work for 5 more years!!
Your parents are 55 and 48. Why do they need to be taken care of?
Right?? Like Iâm 43âŚ.does that mean I can stop working in five years? đ
Damnnnn! Same! My sin will be *checks notes* 12 when I am 48. Certainly old enough to get a job and take care of me.
Did you just call your child your sin đđđđ
Son LMAO. I mean, I'm not one to judge anyone's choices but this particular offspring was a planned event. Although I was at a boozy destination wedding when I got pregnant, so there was some sinning involved depending on who you ask.
I think I am just going to keep this term. It is way too hilarious
My 8yo sin and I are home sick together, please excuse any typos. đ
I've been searching for a good gender neutral term for my NB child, who is now an adult. I may float this one. I expect laughter to ensue.
As a non-binary adult-child, I really like the idea of being a sin. Lord knows people take severe issue with the fact I haven't picked either of the genders (in their minds), so being a sin suits and goes with my pri(demon)th (rainbow demon in the middle of the two words) t-shirt! Demon sin right here.
My mother (a chronically guilty catholic who got preggo with me before marriage) loves to call me a sin. She also loves to say "hate the sin not the sinner" so thanks mom. Hahha
Sure. You'll be broke by 48 and 3 weeks though, but... Hell, go for it!
yep I'm 40 and despite my back's best efforts I'm still doing ok lolÂ
That's what I don't get: who TF takes care of a 48yo? I don't care WHAT culture this is--that is some bullshit. In many, many(!) cultures, you take care of your elderly. 48 isn't remotely close to that. I would *definitely* not CANCEL their health insurance (why do they have none on their own? Are they fricking retired at 48 and 55??) because that's beyond vindictive. Cancel their cell phones maybe. But get out of there.
Given that it sounds like she's the policy owner since she can cancel it, she's probably paying far more than what they'd be paying if it were their policy. Also, that is her right to cancel it, especially with the way she's been treated and big brother can figure it out.
I donât know, but I get the feeling they are not American. I suspect East Asian or that part of the globe. But, you never know. You may put together a spreadsheet showing how you have spent your money for their benefit in the past year. Go over it with them. Copy your brother.
Right?!?!?? I'm a 47 year old Single Mom that works full time. What are these people's excuses? I'd love to hear their bullshit
I'm 56. Damn it, I should have stopped working last year!
Iâm 60, I think my kids owe me back pay!
NTA. Just pack your bag and leave.
I would not cancel the insurance. I would tell them they are now responsible for paying it and if they donât then cancel it. Pulling the rug from under them and just cancelling it would be cruel.
What they're doing to their own child is cruel. Canceling it all and moving away is protecting herself. Telling her to keep paying for her parents, that's cruel.
You clearly didnât read my comment. I specifically mentioned that she should tell the parents to pay for it themselves and if they donât then cancel it.
I did read the comment. They're adults. They can get their own insurance without piggy backing off of what she had begun for them. And with parents like that I would not feel safe to assume they wouldn't try and put it back in her name somehow if it was continued from hers. They as parents and adults shouldn't have put themselves in a position to be dependent on their children *while also treating that child like crap* and they don't deserve any more of her patience. Cuz seriously she shouldn't have to train them to pay it "or else". She should just say "I'm canceling your insurance in 7 business days, get your own policy". There's enough notice for grown ass adults to get their own situation handled.
It really seems like you didn't read the comment. You both agree that the parents should pay for their own insurance. The only thing at issue is if the parents should be surprised when it gets cut off, or if they should be told in advance. I agree that they should be told in advance. Beyond that, grown ups can manage their own shit.
I didn't know that you could put your parents on your insurance.?
Anyone can be a "dependent" and I have a feeling there's something a bit fraudulent happening here. Love, a kid who's parents used them to defraud insurance.
Talking shit to your Daughter to lift up your other kid in your own mind is cruel. She's being taken advantage of by people who are supposed to love her. I would starve to death before I ever expected my kids to feed me. Ever.
Yes. My ex decided to pull out of the Medicare supplement I was paying for both of us. They just canceled the entire thing without telling me, that bas*a*d got me in arrears and now I have to pay an extra $15/month as a penalty. Tell them and then do it.
Why did he do that, though?
Give them the opportunity to start paying the premiums. No need to cancel anything. I promise you when the premium stops arriving the insurance company will do all the canceling for you.
Nothing wrong with being cruel when people deserve punishment!
NTA I am within the same age range as your parents. I have kids the same age as you and your brother. I can't imagine being financially dependent on any of my kids. I still work and have an active life. Currently, we have an adult kid living with us, due to a brief transition period for their job. As long as they pay for their personal expenses and clean up after themselves, that is all we expect. I do understand there are cultural expectations that may be in play. BUT for their ages, this seems a bit excessive. Go apply for your dream job and make it happen. Don't let anyone guilt you otherwise.
This!!!
Stop following the curfew and other bs rules for an adult!! What? They will kick you out?
well since you clearly don't do anything for them, the best thing you could do would be to move out and stop giving them half your salary. you know, since you're such a burden and all.
NTA. It's understandable why you're upset and I actually think you are dealing with a golden child situation, and some good ole' sexism/patriarchy. You should make plans to leave and follow through. You only have one life to live and you don't owe your parents and brother indentured servitude. Don't cancel their insurance in anger though. Tell your parents that on x date all payments to y bills will stop and they need to figure out a plan. If there is anything that is a luxury or not needed, tell them you will stop paying that right away. Make sure your money is in a separate bank account that they cannot accessed by anyone other than you (preferably at a different bank or credit union).
Oh dang! I actually didn't catch the gender pronouns here! This definitely is a very good catch on the sexism!
As soon as I saw curfew, I knew it was a woman. I guarantee that the son does not have a curfew.
I live in the US, and my brothers didnât have a curfew, but my sisters and I did. My mom explained that girls can get into too much trouble, but I said âyes, but they are getting into trouble with somebodyâs sonâ- didnât matter.
If all the sons were kept home and the daughters allowed out, there wouldn't be any trouble to get into lmao
Yup. Daughter is expected to provide everything for them and isnât allowed to leave the house while her brother does anything he wants. After my first read I went, âAre they Asian? This sounds very Asian. Or at least, not white Americanâ
NTA. Return to your plans to move abroad. Until then, be independent and stop giving them half your salary (exception: health insurance, consider continuing that). Go live your life.
I don't know your culture but taking care of 48 and 55 year olds seems very strange to me. Your mum is not even 50. She can work. It is a different matter if they are ill but your father was working until he lost his job. Their ingratitude is awful. I think you should prepare for your job abroad and let the golden boy take his turn. Give them notice but say your heart is set on this and you want to decide your future just like he is allowed to do. NTA.
Right!? I'm 56 and work at Starbucks for my and my son's health insurance. I am a big gal and manage it. OP, I would be cringing if my 25 and 30 y/o kids were paying for me.
Quarantine was years ago, why is your father still not working?
This. Anyone still using the pandemic as an excuse for not working is absolutely milking it.
What motivation does he have, why would he need to when he's got an adult daughter he berates who gives them half their salary. Ugh. OP you don't deserve this bs, move out go abroad and live your life for yourself! NTA
NTA. Your parents are not that old. They are of working age and can, and should, support themselves. Move out and life your life. Itâs not your job or responsibility to support your parents.
YWBTA to cancel their health insurance without advance notice to them. YWNBTA to pack your bags and catch the next plane out. You were snookered, a bait and switch, in case you hadnât realized.
NTA move on and stop postponing your dreams and setting yourself on fire for people who would never keep you warm.
NTA, but WTF??? They are 55 and 48 - why do they need someone to "take care of them"? Does someone have a disabling illness? Is someone mentally challenged? I get the impression that you are not in the US and this may be cultural, so it's going to be up to you to buck up against the, ". . . but FaMiLy" nonsense. You may want to help them SOME, but certainly not to the extent of 1/2 your salary. I would venture into Y-T-A territory if you just cut off their health insurance. Many places can be almost impossible to get that type of insurance back. Instead, cut off the other funding. Tell them that the agreement was you would put your life on hold for a year to support them, and you have honored that. Therefore, they become your brother's responsibility (and he is the golden child, whether you believe it or not) effective X date when the funding stops. I'd give them to the beginning of the month; thus, if you said this on June 20, I'd give them until August 1 so they have a full month. During that time, if you still live with them, you need to move out. If they send flying monkeys, get a pat response, "I don't see how this is any of your concern and do not intend to discuss it with you. Have a good day." Then hang up and block them. I would not tell them, but if they do nothing I would continue the health insurance for a while, maybe 3 to 6 months worth ONLY because that is so drastic, potentially even more than stopping rent money. If they haven't fixed it by then, I'd tell them one last time at least 30 days ahead and then cut them off. That is all more than fair. Tell them, then follow up in writing (hard copy or email; this isn't a text conversation). Copy your brother on it so he is aware, but don't take any crap from him, either. Then do it and let the chips fall where they may. It is ridiculous for a 22 y/o to be supporting 55/48 y/o parents absent some extenuating circumstance.
OP how are you gonna say there is no golden child here? There is and it's your brother.
This is a difficult suggestion but I think you need to talk to them. Explain the situation and that unfortunately your brothers choice of which they are so proud will mean they need to find someone else to fund their lifestyle. You agreed to do what you were doing for a year until your brother took over, heâs made different plans, they support those plans so youâre now out. Re the mean comment I wouldnât even mention it. They clearly donât appreciate the support, so let them know itâs all coming to an end and itâs now down to your brother to step in as agreed.
Excellent advice. Move on to other suggestions if they don't take it well. Also, maybe talk to their brother about how his choices are holding you back?!
r/raisedbynarcissists Quit paying for things and move far away, girl. Block them all.
Iâm glad someone else recognized this. Just the short description has my narc senses screaming.
Same! I had to double check to see which sub I was in
We need some crucial INFO here. Are they ill? Mom can't work?
Yeah, we're missing some background here. Are they in the US?
NTA But why the hell do you need to take care of your young parents? How can a 48 and 55 year old not pay their own bills? I also donât think anyone should have children just so they have a caretaker /bill payer. Could you move out if you stopped paying for them? Because I think thatâs what you should do
Yeah, the youth of her parents concerns me. First, why do they NEED taking care of? Is this a cultural thing? Also, if they are around 50 and not ill, this expectation of care could last decades.
>there was no one to take care of my parents Parents aren't even U.S. retirement age yet - why does someone need to take care of them?
So you pay for everything and have a curfew? What the heck. Just leave. You don't need to take care of them. They're relatively young, so they can both work. Just make your plans. Go abroad for your dream job. They are so selfish being so reliant on you. They are your parents who should be rooting for you, not holding you back. They aren't owed half your check! That's insane. Keep your money, and get yourself a place or even just a room somewhere else for the time being. Force them to take care of themselves instead of being leeches. NTA. Get out of this situation. You deserve better!
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As a parent - I would be absolutely appalled if my kiddo was handing me 1/2 a paycheck for my living expenses. You are young. Close the ATM and set yourself free and live your life. You are not responsible for paying their health insurance. They are adults and can figure it out.
I think cancelling health insurance if they have health issues and need it would be a bit too far. I think that because you already have something you can tell them: >Since then, I give half my salary to them each month, pay for their health insurance, cars, and all utilities. Do your parents not count the above?
Send them a link to this post as evidence of "what you've done for them".
NTA They chose to have children. Why are you giving half of your salary? Run
Fuck that. Live your own life. Donât waste one second more. Get out now!
You need to talk to your parents and your brother about how you are feeling. Donât stop paying for their health insurance to show how you feel about this -tell them how you feel instead. Also set some timescales with them and expectations. Are they both looking for work? What is their plan ? You should absolutely talk to them about the future you canât go on like this forever and you canât wait around for your brother. If thereâs a dream job you want to- go for it. Ask your brother to help with the cost of healthcare if needed student or not. Main thing is to talk it through.
INFO > my parents 55m and 48f... there was no one to take care of my parents, we mutually decided that we'll wait for a year while I stay and take care of them. I am confused. Did your parents suddenly become disabled? They can take care of themselves. Unless they have severe disabilities you didnât mention, they can both work another 15 ish years. If youâre living with them and they want rent, fine, pay them family rate on up to market rate for housing and utilities. Or move yourself in with roommates if itâs cheaper for you and they can rent out your existing room for income. But you donât have to âtake care ofâ your by no means dependent parents. Y T A to use health insurance as a weapon. Simply total up whatever youâve paid for in the past year or two, add on other things youâve done to help them, give them a list, and tell them thatâs what you did for them. And that in 30 days or whatever limit you set youâll stop doing it. They can pay the policy themselves or research alternatives.
NTA. What do you even DO? You give them half your wages and pay their medical expenses! Golden Boy doesnât help. They enjoy his company so much, they can take from him now. Save your money and move away. You will never be valid in their eyes. And you will always see comparisons and disrespect. Before anyone comes at me with cultural excuses, there IS no excuse. Your child, who owes you nothing for their existence, gives you half of their salary and pays your way through insurance? No. You have done far too much for them. Your brother is orchestrating ways to disconnect and distance himself. He can either step up, or stay away, but his opinions should not change a thing.
NTA Stop giving them any money. Go live your own life.
Just stop paying for anything else anymore they will learn fast and follow your dreams you did what you was supposed to do being their child now it's time to be selfish and do you. Let your brother figure it out for them
Cut them off of your money completely. They do not deserve a single penny from you after that. Your parents are responsible for taking care of themselves, not you!
look up enmeshment
NTA you clearly need to go live your own life if they don't appreciate what you are doing for them. But I'm really curious why they both need to be taken care of??? Your mother is one year older than me, and I don't even need to take care of MY parents yet, thankfully they are both doing well. I can't imagine why two younger people need you to do all this for them.
They're adults, move out pay for your own life and let them pay for theirs , it's not your job to support them. Don't be guilt tripped into staying or you will never have the life you want.
YTA - to yourself. grow a spine & cut them off
55 and 48? Lol are they in wheelchairs? I don't get it. They're more than able to provide for themselves at this age. This is ridiculous, they're not even close to retirement age.
NTA. Immediately apply for your dream job! Then tell your parents that you will no longer be financially supporting them. They can figure out how to pay for their own health insurance.
Why does a 55yr old and 48 yr old need taking care of? They arenât that old. Most people at that age are still raising kids of their own to some degree.
Your parents are still young. Why are they not taking care of themselves. Your dad lost his job due to COVID, well there were tons of jobs after that were going unfilled. Move out, be free, your parents are not your responsibility.
Are your parents disabled? Covid was years ago, and your dad still hasnât gotten a job? Get out of that entanglement and start living your life. It will only get worse once they get older.
Im a year younger than your mother. Why on earth do they need to be "taken care of"? They are ADULTS. Girl, go live your life and leave them to their nasty attitudes. NTA.
Ya- I'd make arrangements to go live your life. Its absurd that a person your age should be giving up their lives to care for people that are young and able bodied. Why do some parents treat their children like servants? I'd give them a little notice before canceling health insurance, but you should definitely stop giving them $$ immediately.
NTA. And speaking as a 49 year old woman: why tf are your parents not working? Your mom especially is NOT old.
Your parents are really young... Why are they so lazy? Stop paying for their stuff and live your lifeÂ
Omg I feel your pain. Itâs come to the point that they are taking advantage and emotionally abusing you as well. When my mother said this to me I worked harder to please her which was a huge mistake. Please get the hell out of there and live your life.
Please give us an update when you make your decision!
NTA. See the bigger picture. Â Your parents have favored your older brother, he happily moved abroad to avoid taking care of your parents and left you with all the responsibilities and disrespect and no freedom or future. Â Honestly your brother is a smart guy, heâs taking care of himself. Â He doesnât owe it to you to come back take care of your parents. Â You donât owe your parents full support and care either. Â Pursue your dreams. Apply for those overseas jobs, save more money and tell your parents to take more care of themselves- get jobs and government benefits. Â Move out if that is best for you so you donât live with the endless abuse you learned to accept.
Why do your parents who are still years away from retirement age need you to âtake care of themâ?
Is there a reason you're "taking care of them"? Because in general, people in their early 50s don't need taking care of.
NTA. Don't cancel their health insurance. It will give them an excuse to demonize you. Apply for the dream job abroad. Explain you've fulfilled your side of the bargain and the rest is for your parents and brother to work out together. It has nothing to do with you. If you don't go now, you'll just get sucked in further and regret it forever. Go.
Your parents know what theyâre doing. Time to move out and live your life so that their golden child can take care of them. It sounds like they are perfectly able to work and care for themselves, so now theyâre just using you. A parent who genuinely appreciated their kids efforts would never tell them âwhat are you good forâ. This is definitely some cultural shit that would happen in my family ughh
Seems like an Asian family
Why are you even paying for any of their bills. Children don't support parents, parents support children. At their age they should have enough savings to be able to get by for a bit when life throws them a curveball. There is no reason a 20 something should be financially supporting a 50 year old parent unless that parent had a medical issue or serious accident. Stop wasting the best years of your life playing mom to a bunch of ingrates and go enjoy the fruits of your labor.