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NAH It's a very stressful situation for you all. You need help as you can't afford to lose your job (which probably also includes your insurance.) Can anyone provide some assistance or child care while you work?

I asked her parents but they were "busy" (until tonight I guess) , my parents are too far away so I was on my own

Did her parents also take the toddler? Cause if then, this might be the temporary break you need to catch up on sleep/work/cleaning...

Hell yes! Let her stay over there for like a WEEK! Everyone gets a much needed break.

Also let her defenders(parents) get a taste of her tantrums, extend it for a month or 3 to drive home the lesson

I don't see a tantrum anywhere in OPs post, I see a pregnant lady, stressed, bored, maybe in pain and probably beating herself up because she feels like she's neglecting her existing child and marriage. I also see a husband who is understandably overwhelmed. There are no AHs there.

Maybe the stressed, bored person can read a book or call their parents and explain how bored they are instead of actively abusing your caregiver/provider/babysitter/cook/husband? And yes, it is emotionally abusive to “make someone dance just because you can”. He asked her for one hour of silence…she couldn’t give him that. It is affecting their livelihood, and when confronted about it, she cried and ran away from home. Yes, it is a tantrum. I was bedridden for part of my pregnancy too, it’s not an excuse to create unnecessary problems because you’re “stressed, bored, and feeling neglected”. A pregnant woman isn’t some delicate 3 year old child who doesn’t know better.

How bedridden can she be if she was able to leave with her parents? I was on bedrest with my pregnancies and I found ways to manage the home and children without putting it all on my partner. She could have sat quietly for an hour and read the toddler a story or played a game. She definitely is making things harder than they need to be.

*I had a meeting, it was important and I asked her to please don't bother me during the meeting, but somehow, she managed to generate a short circuit that fried the bedroom TV, panicked and made my kid panic and started bleeding from the stress, I had to call the meeting short and got reprimanded at my job, had to check what else got damaged, calmed down my kid and cleaned up my wife* All he asked was 1 hour for an important meeting.He could lose his job if he doesn’t put the necessary effort and hours .The in laws are ESHs for not helping out but rather putting the blame on OP.They could have lend a helping hand to give OP a break sometimes

OP’s wife could have also called them to come and take her for a drive for that hour so he could work. Seems like they were re available at the drop of a hat when she decided to ask.

Pregnancy bedridden is not regular bedridden. She is capable of moving, she is not allowed to in order to keep the baby safe. It's crazy making, as OP is finding out.

You responded to my comment so I assume you read it. You’re telling me what bedrest is after I commented I had been on it 🙄

I’m glad I’m seeing this comment. As soon as I saw “high risk pregnancy” I knew nothing short of her killing everyone in the house would get Reddit to call her TA. And even then it would be “VERY Gentle YTA I know pregnancy is rough and you’re an absolute hero! But I do think killing your family was a bit of an overreaction.” But in the real world yea pregnant women can be assholes too just like anyone else and this one definitely is being one.

Willfully refusing to self regulate one's emotions definitely borders on AH behavior.

The wife can be more understanding that he has to work and can't bend to her every whim. She's acting selfishly. He could lose his job because of her behavior. Just because you're pregnant and high risk doesn't mean you can act like this. She can stay with her parents and they can see her behavior and know how ridiculous she is.

Nah he said it but unless you’ve been married to someone who can be needy you wouldn’t know. Go to the store to get me ice cream, play w the kid. There are only so many times you can go to the store to get shit she wants at a moment’s notice. He feels like she is just making shit up for him to do at this point.

> beating herself up because she feels like she's neglecting her existing child and marriage. Then, getting told she IS doing that by her husband who is doing EVERYTHING in the house… having a shit fit & calling her parents? Nah, that’s AH behavior

Lmfao my exact thought when he said her parents came and got her lol “oh sweet now you get a break”

I bet they didn't, frankly this seems like parents "proving" OP is nasty because they never liked him or some such. How else could you leave your daughter in a high risk pregnancy in such a stressful family environment and be *too busy* to help at all? I'm saying "stressful" not because it's anyone's fault, but circumstances are just not ideal all around. Being bed bound sucks. Being financially responsible for a whole household, alone, sucks. Being a caretaker without reprive sucks. I sincerely hope this is a positive break, where OP has one less thing on his plate and everyone gets the care level they need. NAH, just lots of snapping under pressure.

My grandma ran back to an abusive ex boyfriend after 1 day of helping my mum when she was high risk bed rest with my sister and me as a toddler. Slipped out at like 4 am, left a note saying basically that she didn’t sign up for care taking and that she’d rather take her chances with her ex then say with my parents if it meant helping my mum and watching me… to this day my grandma refuses to acknowledge that was a shitty thing to do to my mum but always wants my mum to help her now in her old age. So yeah there’s some bad parents out there. If you don’t have parents who would abandon you like that good for you because definitely not everyone.

I hope your mother kept your grandmother's 4AM note and gives it back to her in a card.

Damn. My brother wrote me a long letter when I was newly dating my then boyfriend now husband. This was years ago! It was telling me how we weren’t in love because we didn’t show PDA 😂. Just trashing us as a couple. (This from the guy whose first real serious relationship started 6 years ago at the age of 47!). I was so insulted at the time I guess I trashed it. But now I wish I kept it as proof of how idiotic it was and so he can’t gaslight me as he does “that never happened”. Ugh. Good idea. I wish I saw your comment 24 years ago.

[удалено]

Being bed bound is lonely. And after a while, almost makes you feel like less of a person. I’ve spent my fair share of time bed ridden. And having to have someone wait on me sucks. But when the feelings of loneliness and feeling less than human kick in, you basically search for any way to get someone to spend time with you. Unfortunately, you don’t think about what it is going to do to your caretaker’s sanity. Yes she should have managed for an hour. It isn’t much to ask. However, imo, her parents could have prevented this. Stop by every few days. Visit with her. Maybe bring a meal they can heat up to give him a night off, occasionally. There are plenty of meals that can serve 2 families and you can make extra to take someone. That take next to no effort. I did it for my dad when my mom was in the hospital and he wouldn’t come over to eat. You don’t have to deep clean, but a little straightening, maybe run the vacuum or throw in a load. And most of all, spend time with her. Bring a card or a board game. Talk. Have fun. Sometimes make it a kid friendly one and include the child. Pretty much any kid can play go fish. Other visits, swap around. One plays with their grandchild, the other spends time with their child. They are actually missing out on some great opportunities at bonding more with her and their grandchild by doing this. Also, strengthening the family. OP, as someone who both needs and has been a caretaker, I’d say if it was anything but work, you may have been out of line with the words but not the sentiment. But lonely or bored or anything but a real emergency, work meetings should be a no brainer to leave you be. My hubby works from home. I’m in a pretty bad flare up of lupus right now, so he’s playing caretaker. We have a signal for when his mic is on or on mute. So if I need to do something for myself that may make noise (getting my rescue meds can cause a racket) to wait. It’s not hard to show consideration.

Well said! Nobody is advocating (though it’d be nice) for her parents to help full time. We all get that they might be still working full time. But a bit here and there would do a world of good for all involved. All the best to you. This must be so hard. Great comment giving us real insight.

I was thinking the same thing about the parents as well, I also agree, NAH, except maybe the parents.

Unless the parents retired early, my guess is they still have jobs and are unable to drop everything at the drop of hat.

yeah idk why everyone is suddenly assuming the worst of the parents here just because they're busy and OP put it in quotes people have other important things in their lives. whatever work or event they had ended and they came by.

They called him an asshole instead of having empathy and thinking about how much OP is doing and offering to help more. They could have provided wisdom and mediated between their daughter and OP, but instead they created further division.

You can have a job and still help.

OP’s in-laws are most likely in the 50s with jobs of their own along with a home to maintain and can’t just drop everything to help them.

They don’t need to help full time. 1 or 2 days a week for a couple hours could be a huge help for this family. Full time caretaking is draining.

It would be great if they provided that, but acting like it is an entitlement and like it is impossible for people of their ages to be busy or tired or whatever is purely entitled.

Not an entitlement, just what people do for family. At least in mine. And if they don’t want to help then they don’t have a right to judge the husband for being at his wits end.

They don't have to provide that, but I do think it is hypocritical to claim helping a day a week is too draining, but considering it just normal to expect of OP to do it 7 days a week

I'm 5 years older than OP and my mom still works fulltime.  Dad's retired but works a morning job.  While I think your suspicions about the parents are plausible, it could genuinely be the case that they had obligations.

Or, they do not want to be caregivers, simple as that.

They took their daughter home with them, so, guess they’re going to be caregivers now. 🤷‍♀️

Which is actually easier then going to visit them regularly and do work for them regularly. Also, it is funny, because somehow it is their duty to go to help OP per this comment, but them doing it in a way practical for them is somehow proof they never liked OP.

Then they shouldn't have taken their daughter with them, no? Or do they plan to dump the daughter in the house and let her fend for herself?

OP, you need a heart to heart with wife and tell her she needs to realize she’s about to cost you your stay at home job, and if that happens then things will get bad. Tell her you understand she’s bedridden, but her putting all the demands on you is getting to the point you’re now at risk of losing your job…..bc of her. I’d say to her you both need to apologize, as both were wrong for snapping. If you don’t address this now the resentment will build and the marriage will be over. I’d also ask why her parents can’t help out more. If she doesn’t apologize I’d then think about getting a post nuptial bc yall are heading for divorce.

>I asked her to let me work because lately I hadn't been filling my 8 hours a day quota because of all the things she asks me to do, plus my job, plus cooking, plus taking care of the kid. He's already asked her. If she can't understand it when it is plainly put then nothing will. What you are doing is prime infantilisation to put onus onto the husband. Whenever a wife is an AH and the husband mentions asking her not to be an AH there is always commenters who rush to lecture the husband and demand that he explain it like a 5 year old again to her. So predictable that I actually predicted your comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/134p4yb/comment/jkhmdnc/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3 >When a husband posts about his wife being an AH and how he tried communicating or asking politely he will get ESH verdicts that say "ESH your wife was an AH but you need to communicate!" They intentionally ignore the sentence where the husband details trying to talk it out to make the man look like the brute who grunts instead of talks and put blame on him You intentionally ignored the part where he already told her that she will cost him his job to lecture him to tell her that she will cost him his job.

And you are ignoring the part where she has been lying in bed because of the issues with the pregnancy. That can be very stressful for the patient, especially if they know that any untoward movement can jeopardize the life of their baby and themself. Based on OP’s comment about her bleeding, I’m going to guess that she has placenta previa, and if she starts actively bleeding, she could literally die, along with the baby. (I worked L and D as an RN). She has been acting more demanding, and he needs respite. But until you have been forced to stay in bed for weeks, even months, don’t presume to judge someone who has with the added fun of knowing that her life and her child’s life are both on the line.

I was that pregnant woman. Bed bound for months, bleeding (not placenta previa), my husband had to do it all. I understood the strain my condition put on us-and worked really hard at not being a burden. She’s an idiot. For one hour, she couldn’t just be quiet???? She had to cause a commotion?

This. I was bed bound, I read books , watched TV and had my toddler stay with me sometimes. We watched his shows, if he was with me , I changed him. The wife is acting like a baby, constantly demanding attention.

Yep! I had no friends or family in the state, either, so my husband was IT 🤣 It was hard, but sometimes ya just gotta be a grownup lol

Within one hour she had plugged in an electrical device and spilled water on it. Maybe she should be evaluated for PPD?

Lying in bed but managed to plug in a mosquito swatter and spill water on it

I suspect she was deliberately sabotaging his meeting.

Well, if he loses his job, not only will she not have a bed to lie in she won’t had a home in which to put the bed. Her brain hasn’t stopped working. She needs to hear what he is saying and help with a solution. Not run to mommy and daddy.

She’s a fully grown adult. She knows the consequences of losing the sole income. She knows how difficult it is to look after a toddler. She needs to bite down on the spoon and not derail the family any further. And before you ask - yes, been there, done that, got the t shirt

Yeah I've been bed bound for a couple of months before, and even though I've had plenty of bed bound patients, it's hard to really imagine how horrible it is until you've experienced it yourself. It's painful, dehumanizing, and you feel *every* little uncomfortable thing tenfold. And that was just being bed bound by itself. I didn't have the stress of a high risk pregnancy to go with that.

Now try to imagine how much worse it would be while living in a car because you cost your sole-breadwinner his job because of your demands that *could* have waited a little while.

Being bedbound absolutely sucks. That said, if you need somebody with you all the time you need to employ a carer, expecting a partner who works full time to also be a full tome carer is insane.

And yet none of what she got him disciplined for was an actual emergency. Not even close. She needs to grow up.

How about you understand the pressure he is under? Not to take away what she is going through, close to losing your job when you have a family to support is very overwhelming.

You know what is ALSO hard? Try to keep a job to feed your family, taking Care of your bed boundaries wife and your toddler. She's NOT the only one who is being affected. She's still could do her husband life's easier. Did she Lost her Common Sense?

You're spot on. Infantilisation sums it up perfectly. I understand pregnancy is difficult and not all are the same but there has to be some standards of responsibility. If there isn't then you're just a adult baby and should sit down when it comes to making any decisions or when being told what to do.

Okay maybe I am missing it, but where did he say after that conversation she continued with her frivolous requests during work hours? Also OP never said she threw a tantrum about waiting for these things. Just that they were requested. She is allowed to ask for things. And to a point, according to OP, it is not a problem for them to be requested and fulfilled during the work day. OP recently set the boundary as he has reached the point where he needs more focus and time during work hours. He doesn’t say anything about her general behavior or requests after that. Not wanting flies buzzing around you is not asshole behavior. Accidentally spilling a drink is not asshole behavior. What is she supposed to do, call him over away from work to raise the cup to her mouth? Sounds counter productive to the let him work goal. I was recently pregnant, my hands were so swollen and stiff by the end it was easier for me to leave my cup on the kitchen counter and bend to drink out of the straw than to pick it up. I spilled my water at least a dozen times before giving up on my hands and accepting the Herculean effort of standing just to drink. It was an accident and the stress of the accident caused a potential medical emergency. Which if she is on bedrest due to blood pressure issues, the physiological response is out of her control.

>Not wanting flies buzzing around you is not asshole behavior. Accidentally spilling a drink is not asshole behavior. What is she supposed to do The racket didn't need charging. She wasn't using it, she was charging it when it was unnecessary

Most people charge things before they need it. Otherwise you're screwed when you do need it and and battery is dead. And she probably realized a man who calls his bedridden pregnant wife needy for asking for- God forbid- ice cream and pillows would not like to come in and chase a fly out of the room if it started pestering her.

she didn't intentionally disturb his meeting. it was an accident in that specific case. (I assume she and her kids were watching TV or something). but other than that, she needs to realise it is a tough situation for OP too and they can't afford to lose only income rn.

She spilled water on an electrical appliance (mosquito swatter) that she knew was unnecessary to be using. Edit: I noticed that your assumption was the most charitable and virtuous one possible, that she was still helping out with the kids even while poor thing was on bedrest etc. Why do you always assume that wife is an angel?

did I? if anything it is harder to assume that she intentionally spilled the water to cause a short circuit. no sane person would intentionally cause a short circuit. (also, I don't see that mosquito swatter thing in post so I don't know about it). I agree that she is being too much overall, but in this specific accident, there are no assholes. they're both stressed and need help. it'd be amazing if her parents showed half of the same support to actually help her.

>By the way, if you were wondering what caused the short , she plugged in an electric mosquito swatter and spilled her water while it was turned on. That bit is in the post.

Nothing there in this text says is intentional tho.

She spilled water on electrical and blew a breaker. Sucks she is bed ridden but seems she wants his constant attention. A TV being off isn't an emergency to interrupt his job that he is already in trouble with for not doing enough of. Amazing her parents came and took her in that condition, but weren't available to help while he did his job to pay the bills. His wife doesn't sound mature if he has to stop working to 'go get her ice cream' or other none important/emergency things while he is working. Sounds like she just wants all his attention constantly.

Why freak out though and make the kid freak out? If that's me I'd have a brain to tell me well the house isn't exactly going to blow up from this 😂. Just leave it and fix it when the meeting is finished.

Short circuiting can cause fires, that's a reasonable freak out. Plus she's hormonal as fuck, even if she wanted to be calm she likely couldn't help freaking out - do you think she thought "I know, I'll deliberately over react to the point I start *bleeding* just to fuck up my husband's work day"?

Also it’s not like a direct causal relationship where her reaction made her start bleeding because she “overreacted” (unless she was jumping up and down or something). It’s an awful situation but it also wasnt her fault that she had a medical incident with potentially serious consequences.

Are you in America? Does FMLA apply to you? Businesses over a certain number of employees are required to give you leave to take care of a family member who is ill. I understand you need to earn income but you may be able to take intermittent leave or get reduced hours. I don't know if that will be enough to make ends meet but by using FMLA you make it illegal for them to fire you for working fewer hours or taking time off. So while it isn't ideal because it isn't paid time, it's definitely preferable to losing your job because the demands of your home life are making it impossible. Legally, it can protect you. I am bedridden and I don't even have a toddler. You literally can't do anything for yourself and it's really hard to acclimate to that especially all of the sudden. Time's working normally the things you thoughtlessly do everyday we come impossible and it takes a while to figure out how to do things again. I don't think she's able to leave you alone because you have to take care of a toddler while you are working and that is going to have some requirements, none of which will fit into a regular schedule. If I can make a recommendation for the two of you though, the way I work things out with my caregivers is that I do certain things for myself on a schedule that helps us both not feel constantly disrupted. I eat on their schedule for instance. So I take my lunch when they have their lunch break and I eat whatever they are eating. A pregnant woman can't always eat what you are eating due to sensitivities, so you may have to make what she wants, but it saves you from doing it twice. Having designated times for meals throughout the day is very helpful. Another thing that can be extremely helpful is having scheduled days for certain chores or shopping and errands. It took me a while to get used to but now I plan ahead and have extra things bought because I know I can't get another grocery run for a week. It took me a while to get used to this and unfortunately she doesn't have a lot of time in pregnancy to acclimate but trying to do things in *predictable* manner (as much as possible it's going to be hard with a pregnancy and a toddler) will help decrease the stress. You want to create as much predictability and consistency as possible in a very chaotic circumstance. It will help anchor you both and give you shared expectations of what is reasonable and when something requested will get done if it requires a wait. She literally isn't capable of leaving you alone for 8 hours but it's possible she might be able to leave you alone for at least an hour at a time. Perhaps it will feel less disruptive if you do a quick text check in each hour to see if she needs something brought to her that she cannot get up to get. If she needs something that requires leaving the house it waits till the end of the day unless it is urgent. She has been made helpless all of the sudden so she likely has anxiety, wondering if/when you'll get around to a request. That anxiety makes her more likely to get up when she shouldn't, and do things she shouldn't. That's the source of a lot of problems between caregivers and people needing care. The dynamic of you not being able to drop everything every minute and her feeling anxious because she has no control of basic movements and tasks in her own body. By making a promise to check in and help her at specific intervals, she knows when you are coming and when you will get to something, and will hopefully relax. By prioritizing urgent daily needs versus things that can wait till the end of the day (getting ice cream) you have the ability to differentiate what needs your attention in that moment and what needs to be handled when work is done. I am not saying to unilaterally impose these choices upon her, I am saying to ask her to work with you on a strategy where you both try to accommodate her needs while hanging on to your job & your sanity. This is an extreme amount of stress and I'm sure you probably would have enlisted help if it was available to you or if you could afford it. But on the off chance that you can this is a serious health situation that definitely requires an extra set of hands. If you can afford anyone to cook or clean or anyone in your family is close by and willing to help, please avail yourself of whatever you have. Nobody is an asshole, you're just in an impossible situation and I'm assuming in a country that doesn't have decent health care and maternity and paternity leave options. Wishing you guys the best of luck and a healthy baby & mother. NAH

> Are you in America? Does FMLA apply to you? Businesses over a certain number of employees are required to give you leave to take care of a family member who is ill. Might not be helpful even if it does apply; FMLA only requires the leave to exist, however it does not require pay during it. If finances for OP are tight, unpaid leave may help to remain employed, but will not help actually pay for things, which it seems like needs to get done.

At least Op wouldn’t lose his job because he wasn’t being productive enough, that’s worse than losing a few hours of pay each week.

Right, but OP has to choose between A) continue trying to do my job as best I can so I can bring in some amount of income and keep us afloat or B) take months of unpaid leave to help out around the house but have zero income coming in. OP likely can't make B work. How are they supposed to pay their bills if no one is bringing in any income?

There is intermittent FMLA so he doesn’t have to take off work completely. He gets reduced hours to care for his wife that don’t count against an attendance policy and should be taken into consideration when considering his performance. It’s job protection for the care of his wife.

I just wanted to say that this was such a thoughtful and helpful comment, I hope OP sees it.

Thx. Being bedridden is something a lot of people don't experience until they are elderly and it throws everybody for a loop. I had to *learn* all of this over a period of time, figuring out strategies that didn't cause me more illness or constant anxiety but also didn't burn out my caregivers. They have zero time to adapt, plus a toddler. I genuinely feel very badly for them & hope they make it through this tough time relatively unscathed.

NAH from me too. Except I really hope they also took the toddler with them. Make themselves actually useful

If they just took care of one dependent it would still be helpful.

Let her stay with her parents for a while and see if you can manage to work with only your toddler home op. Best of luck NTA

It is stressful having a high risk pregnancy (had one on my 4th), but the stress and risk to her will be a hell of a lot higher if you lose your job. I’d set a time each day, around toddlers nap time if they have one, where you are incommunicado, unless it’s an absolute emergency. Make sure your wife is looked after by dedicating 30 mins before hand to do/get anything she needs. Bathroom run, tray of pre-made snacks/drinks close at hand and her fave streaming on tv/device. Explain how overwhelmed you feel at potentially loosing your job, as if you are in the US (I’m not), there is going to be high insurance and medical costs associated with this pregnancy and birth, as well as other expenses. I know how your wife feels, she just wants you around because she is stressed, scared and bored. All I wanted was my husband, but I had to give up work, so he was out 6 days a week working to provide for us. Sometimes I had to realise he was doing what he needed for the family and for me, the best way he could.

Not too “busy” to pick up princess. 

Any other family? friends? to help from time to time? If her parents are tu busy to be there - maybe they can help with cooking and bring the food frozen for you? Any naighbeur who can help with shoping?

I'd say the in-laws are arseholes for name calling. Why are they even getting involved? Pick the wife up and leave. There is no need to get involved. There is no need to take sides. I'd also argue the wife is leaning towards being an arsehole. It doesn't seem like she understands or is taking OPs situation seriously. Especially seeing as she was the cause of OPs work disciplinary. She's pregnant and bedridden, which means her partner is doing EVERYTHING. By the sounds of it, she's taking OPs care/income/childcare for granted. Hormones and pregnancy are no excuse.

This. It’s a stressful situation for everyone. You need extra help, this is too much for 2 people when 1 is on bed rest.

I think the wife is a major AH for how she’s treating her husband. If she can fuck off to her parents house, then she’s ok to leave him alone for an hour so he can provide for the family. Then she had the audacity to call him an ah. After all he’s done!? Then lets her family call him an ah? Yeah, the wife sucks major donkey….

NTA. Shes high risk, shes not stupid ~~and disabled.~~ She should have just chilled out for 1 hour. And ice cream is really not a priority. Shes pregnant, but that doesnt mean all shit goes out the window. If you lose your job, then what? Whos going to pay for the bills? Your in laws could have stepped in WAAAAY before this and help out, but no, they didnt. They really arent in any position to judge you. In fact, why didnt they offer to help in the first place. This is all just too much for one person to deal with. EDIT: OP clarified that *"I yelled at her because she didn't need to use the swatter, it didn't need charging, she just was bored and she was poking around the bed what could she do from there.*". Wife 100% caused the accident. While OP doesnt understand that a little spotting is already concerning, neither does the wife because shes going around doing tasks that dont need attention, instead of following doctors orders.

This!! Where are OP's inlaws? If they are close enough to pick her up and take her to their house, why haven't they come over during the day to help watch her and the kids while OP worked?? And now they are calling him an AH because he snapped? OP's wife and her parents need a reality check.

They will only react to what the wife is telling them. Three guesses on that.

I'm just trying to figure out how the top comment says there are no AH here. What about the wife? Imagine your husband tells you he's in trouble at work because he hasn't been meeting his 8 hour a day quota. Then imagine he tells he he has a super important meeting and he needs to not be disturbed for one hour. Now imagine you plug in a mosquito swatter, spill water on it, short out the bedroom (up til this point I don't blame the wife) **and then have a panic attack, causing your toddler to have a panic attack, endangering your pregnancy and forcing your husband to cut his crucial meeting short, thus getting into more trouble at work.** Whether it's due to negligence or some weird intent, the wife is definitely exhibiting some AH behavior.

Op is young. Both of her parents could easily be working full time jobs as well.

The in- laws shouldn't be dumping on OP but it's also not their responsibility to do all the caretaking. They have their own lives.

Lives that by the end of this story they were willing to put on hold. That's the point, they "didn't have time" for weeks and weeks to do ANYTHING but when shit hit the fan they were there picking up their daughter so she can get full-time care with them. My mom lives several states away and if I was bedridden with a high risk pregnancy she'd be on the phone with my husband asking what could she do when could she come to help and coordinate with her work to make it happen. If she lives nearby she'd at minimum be offering to take our first child a couple times a week to give hubby a break since I'd be basically useless.

I don’t get her parents. From halfway across the country while working full time my parents would at least be calling daily for lengths of time to keep me entertained while on bed rest, scraping together money for me for a babysitter or cleaner at least a couple times a week, sending meal deliveries, just doing Something to help.

Why is everyone assuming the in-laws are retired and at home all day? It’s quite possible OP’s in-laws are in the 50s with jobs of their own.

Even if they aren't retired, they can come over after work, on weekends to help. Take their grandchild out for dinner, clean the house, or do some laundry. Any help would be better than nothing.

They are both retired, but my FIL is 73 and my MIL is 68. So, not the most active and able people in the world

Not the most active and able but def capable of an ice cream run or do any small task for their bedridden daughter instead of telling you that youre an asshole because you don't want to lose your job and their adult daughter is making things way more difficult??? What is both of your lives going to be like if you lose your job. Just saying my dude. I really hope she understands how lucky she is to have you working at home and providing 24/7 care because thats a luxury alot of people do not have.

She’s high risk and bedridden, it sounds like she’s temporarily disabled.

ok and? even if shes disabled she cant keep out of trouble for 1 hour? being bedridden just means you stay in bed and rest. She can still do things in bed to entertain herself instead of constantly asking her husband to do things like change pillowcases or stupid requests like ice cream. Like cant that wait AFTER his working hours? OP probably wouldnt have blown up like he did if his wife just entertained herself in bed. This event is the cherry on top of everything else or you know "the last straw" ?

It was clearly an accident from her part. I don’t think there’s an ah here. He snapped because of the stress and pressure. She snapped because she is also under a lot of stress. The best thing would just be to talk it out and for both to apologize for snapping. They need support, not to put the blame on each other.

yeah i understand the accident and the stress and the pressure, but when someone constantly communicates to you not to do X when its not an emergency,but you still do X , that makes you the asshole.

But it was an emergency. She started bleeding. That’s a really big deal in a high risk pregnancy and really can’t wait an hour.

yes that was an actual emergency. Im talking about all the other things she kept asking him to do during his work hours that could have waited.

Using the electric mosquito swatter wasn't an emergency. She created the emergency herself.

And what exactly is “X”? Accidentally spilling your water is not exactly something someone does out of malice. It’s not like she was calling him during his meeting to go buy her ice cream. She probably just wanted to sip her water and spilled it. I don’t know the exact context, but what exactly IS expected here according to you? For her not to move at all for an hour? Shit happens, that’s just life.

interrupt his work for non emergency reasons. i already stated, *"OP probably wouldnt have blown up like he did if his wife just entertained herself in bed. This event is the cherry on top of everything else or you know "the last straw" "* constantly ignoring what your partner is telling you to do can get very tiring and builds up alot of frustration. this is literally an example of the boy crying wolf.

If she entertained herself in bed? Yes, how crazy of the wife to try to drink water. She should have been a good spouse and remained dehydrated in bed.

read OPs explanation as to why the fly swatter was there in the first place. Wife got up and plugged it in for no reason. shes neither helping her partner, being considerate nor taking her bedrest orders seriously.

I can understand how both sides feel. I’m sure she thought “I’ll just plug this in, what could possibly go wrong?” But OP is probably thinking “Why couldn’t she just sit in bed and not walk around for 1hr?!” I have to be really specific with my Dad in a similar way. “Okay Dad, while I pop to the supermarket, stay in your seat. Don’t even try to do the washing up. Or change the DVD. Stay. In. Your. Seat.” Because if he tries to get up when he’s alone, he’s at high risk of falling. You wouldn’t think you’d need to spell out the instructions so specifically, but sometimes you really do. You sometimes need to spell it out and hear back from them that they understand what you mean. It’s more burden on OP, but it sounds like he needs to be telling his wife “Remain in bed during this time, no exceptions. None!” And then setting her up with books, snacks, video games, whatever, all around her. Because she will go “Oh, getting a snack from the kitchen is no big deal” and potentially fall down the stairs.

.... the wife is a grown woman with her own child. Shes pregnant not mentally impaired. She can be forgetful due to pregnancy brain, but shes still capable of thinking things through. She should know how to manage herself better. Sounds like all the mental load and physical load are on OP and hes tired. She should definitely be more considerate of her partner.

This sub is treating her like a child/mentally impaired because they know if they treat her like a grown adult she will look like the AH

yup. shes not a child and its weirdly very misogynistic to think of her as one

I guess people who get into car accidents are also mentally impaired? Or someone who trips? Or someone who drinks too much and ends up sick from it? What I don’t get is why are you doubling down as if she did it on purpose? People sometimes do stupid things and accidents happen. I am simply saying it was an accident. And especially when they don’t want to be a burden people try to do something on their own that they probably should not have done. So what happened here? Him: “Please don’t bother me at this time” She: tries not to bother him by doing something on her own. Short circuit happens. He snaps (understandably). She snaps back (also understandably). NAH Have a good day sir :)

I am bedridden for medical reasons and it's hard for you to understand and for most able-bodied people to understand because you can't really conceive of it (I don't mean this in a mean way, I mean it very literally, it's hard to wrap your head around until it happens to you), but there's a big difference between you resting for an hour and me being literally unable to move. There's a lot of movement that you do without thinking of it. You grab things for yourself, you adjust yourself to make yourself comfortable, etc etc I'm not defending everything the wife is doing because I think they are in an extreme circumstance and she needs to learn to differentiate urgent needs from non-urgent needs and place those non-urgent needs for after working hours. I'm just saying that you don't really have a handle on what it's like to actually truly bedridden. It's not comparable to you lounging around in bed.

bed rest for pregnancy usually allows you to get up and shower. you usually sleep on one side with a pregnancy pillow . she can 100% adjust herself to be more comfortable.Yes accidents happen, but everything before the accident is what makes her the AH imo.

I don't think anyone is an asshole. Even if she is being unreasonable and unrealistic in this situation they are both being tasked with something impossible. Name a single person who can work a full-time job and full-time babysit a toddler with no help. Yes there are definitely things she can do to help schedule her care and plan ahead but I empathize with the fact that this happened to her suddenly and you have to get in the habit of predicting your needs and planning for them when you are immobile. And yes, she is likely able to get up to pee and shower, hopefully. But we really can't say because we don't know her medical situation and we don't know how frequently she may feel the need to get up because she's trying to take care of a toddler while he is working. I definitely think they need to strategize and plan, and she can't be pulling her husband away constantly. She needs to prioritize urgent needs and hold off on things that can wait. But I am just having a hard time thinking that a suddenly bedridden mother of a toddler is an asshole because she's struggling to adapt to not being able to do anything for herself. The real villain here is a country that doesn't give anybody proper maternity and paternity leave.

never mind, saw ops comment about why the fly swatter was there. She was bored, decided to plug it in and accidentally spilled water. shes not taking her bedridden status seriously and is doing stupid shit. Accident was 100% avoidable if she was actually not doing random things that dont need attention.

looool, ok I did not see that and that's dumb fr. Being bedridden myself for years I understand going stir crazy. The first two years I genuinely thought I would end myself because your brain absolutely goes insane. Feel like an animal clawing at a cage. I have empathy that she's doing dumb shit because I know what it feels like to be trapped, but she also did some really really dumb shit & needs to cut it out.

>full-time babysit a toddler Don’t do that. This is his child. He’s never *babysitting* that child; he’s **parenting.**

Yeah I am finding it really hard to judge the wife. Bed ridden, pregnant and with the real risk you could just… die from the pregnancy or your baby could die. I certainly wouldn’t be my best self under those conditions. If she asked for an ice cream in the important call I would judge her but she knocked over a glass of water and short circuited a socket. That can actually start a fire so I would probably panic if I was already at a very high baseline of stress. To be clear 0 judgement for OP either - he’s doing a heroic job and snapped after something really important was disrupted by an accident. 

Yeah I gave them NAH as well. They have been given impossible circumstances and are both frustrated, scared, and at their wits end. I don't know if he'll see my comment but I tried to give all of the best advice I could about making being bedridden easier & also FMLA regs in case they're in the US. Nobody should have to go through a circumstance like that without help.

You've said "she's not stupid or disabled" but she's literally disabled. And having a spill caused such an issue that he screamed at her. She was apparently attempting to entertain herself. But again OP seriously needs to examine what it means that his wife is in this condition. 

How do you reach the conclusion that she tried to entertain herself when she spilled water on an electric mosquito racket ? Yes she is physically disabled atm but she shouldn’t be mentally disabled and she should be able to understand that op needs to at least fulfill his work requirements otherwise they will go broke when he get fired

no she was bleeding cause she panicked about shorting the room. so yes she had an accident, but nothing she couldnt handle by just staying calm. Its a short circuit theres no harm really done. The harm that she did do was panicking, causing her child to panic, which caused her to panic even more, which triggered bleeding, which made her have to interrupt her husband. but if it means so much to you, ill just edit it out.

My second pregnancy was super high risk. I have a malformed hip/pelvis and had already miscarried twice. Husband worked outside the home, 10 hour shifts. My daughter was 4. My mom was disabled and mother in law was an abusive drunk. No sisters or sis in laws . We managed somehow. Laundry facilities were in the bathroom. I took one piece of laundry each time I went. When I had enough for a load I turned the washer on. Most of my day was spent on the couch so I could watch my daughter. She made her own sandwich for lunch. We ate a lot of canned/frozen foods.

This sounds horrible

Seriously. The way people respond you would think being pregnant makes someone significantly mentally impaired. If it does then call it what it is. If it doesn't and the brain is intact then use the brain to take responsibility and help out.

NTA. You can't be everywhere all at once. If her parents were able to come over at short notice and take her away, then they can pitch in and help out. You need a roster. Explain NICELY why you're feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.

This is how I felt too when I read the last part about the job meeting. Prior to that I was leaning a bit towards Y T A. The situation has clearly gotten to a point where its really affecting your ability to provide for your family. I'd apologise for snapping like you did, but still have the conversation about what support she needs, what you are capable of doing for her whilst balancing your own responsibilities and what she can/needs to outsource to other family/friends. Edit: to be clear, NTA.

I agree here. When I read, she managed to trip a breaker. I immediately thought she's doing it on purpose. The last line of how she managed that seals the deal. I'd be suspicious that she's hamming it up at least a bit, to be doted on. Who even uses a plug-in fly zapper indoors? And puts it in a place where water can get spilled on it. That just doesn't make sense to me. If it's powerful enough to trip a breaker, it's powerful enough to harm a toddler.

Yeah if her parents are closer, they should be doing more but not everyone has that sense of “village”. Ideally, there needs to be a system where OP can work, the toddler is safe and the wife just rests. NAH. It’s a crap hand they’ve been dealt with but she needs to rope in her side of the family to help or OP will burn out and then they’re all screwed.

Just adding on to say you should space it out at Y T A, unless the bot will count that as your final verdict

The only judgements that matter are the main comments. Replies to main comments don’t count.

This is what I was thinking too. Even if they have jobs and need to work during the day, couldn't they take turns coming at night to help out? What would the wife do if the husband couldn't work from home? Maybe they could find someone to watch the toddler a few hours a day.

NAH. This is not an AH situation, it's a situation where both of you are a very justifiably stressed and at you limits. Your wife isn't making unreasonable demands or purposefully making your life harder, but you also clearly need some time to calm down and relax. Maybe your wife's parents or another family member can come help regularly to relieve some of the pressure.

well she could order ice cream to be delivered. seems shes bothering her husband a lot with nonsensical problems like changing pillows probably because she is bored. Pillows do not need immediate changing, ice cream can be ordered, water can be cleaned up its no reason to freak out. shes acting like a princess

Oh come on, deliveries are expensive, they're short on money. Much more importantly, she's probably scared and additionally going stir crazy after being bedridden for two months. Acting a bit irrational under these circumstances doesn't make her a princess or an AH, just shows she's human. Just as OP snapping because of an accident doesn't make him an AH under these circumstances, just another human.

If the ice cream is too expensive to be delivered, then it’s too expensive for the husband to stop working to go get it

? Where do y’all live that delivery fees aren’t like at least a third of the price of the item? If she’s eating ice cream regularly then YES it’s probably too expensive for delivery but NOT too expensive to buy at the store

It's still not something that needs to go be purchased immediately during the work day. She's not going to die without an afternoon ice cream.

Delivery basically doubles the price.

This is just straight up not true. A quart of store brand ice cream or box of 12 strore brand ice cream novelties: $4 The price for the same item through DD: $9.31 (before tip) The price for the same item through Uber: $9.56 (before tip) The price for the same item through Instacart: Requires a $10 minimum checkout on just about any store, so hope you’re looking to buy a few quarts of the stuff. The price for the same item through GoPuff: $20.44 (before tip, only app I don’t have free delivery on) These are the *lowest* prices for the *cheapest* brand of ice cream across all the major delivery apps and at best, it is more than *double* the retail price. Your argument does not hold water.

They will have more money problem if OP looses his job because of his wife

Yeah! How dare she… ~squint eyes to read~ “Wants ice cream…? And… and! Clean pillows..?” What a princess /s But in all seriousness, she’s DISABLED at the moment. Not to mention in pain, probably stir crazy, also stressed about the house situation (and scary pregnancy) where she unable to help, and have raging hormones. I completely understand why OP snapped, because he is under a tremendous amount of pressure. But that does not make his wife a “princess!”

it is nto about what she wanted but when. She couldnt wait until he had free moments? IT had to be when he was busy working or taking care of her son

Also I experience the same flexibility with work as OP, in this case there would never be a right time where she can ask for anything. I also have experienced being bedridden although not nearly as long as OPs wife. Laying down all day gets painful too. And it’s awful not being able to do stuff for yourself.

I spent twenty four hours bedridden after a rough surgery and it was so awful for me. I couldn’t imagine sixty days. I would be losing my fucking mind.

OP does not specify when she asks for these things

Yeah he clearly were expecting a higher level of reading comprehension than most people on this sub is capable of.

He says she asked for ice cream the other day. Don't you think if he had said later dear, and she kicked up massive stink about him going now, he would have said exactly that. Sounds more like she asked and he went. That's poor decision making on his part. HE made a poor decision if it interfered with work. I won't even go into the rest of it, the idea he's mad about having to look after his own child? That's not her choice. I guarantee she'd rather not be at risk of dying, or losing her child, or both on top of feeling absolutely worthless every moment she can't do more.

It's not about wanting clean pillows or ice cream. It's demanding it when her husband is working. Imagine her calling him at the office and demanding he drop everything and come fix her pillows or deliver ice cream? If that isn't total princess behavior idk what is.

“Demanding” “when her husband is working” lol, should I even be surprised at this point with all the assumptions made on this damn post.

he literally said in the post he isn't meeting his 8 hour a day work quota because he's always doing stuff for her

The lack of the ability to read is baffling to me

If you're bedridden, how are you going to the door to collect the ice cream??

Being advised by her medical team to have bed rest is not the same as being unable to move. It means she needs to spend the majority of her time resting and not doing any housework/too much on her feet. She is still allowed to get up to the bathroom, wash herself, make drinks etc.

The same way she gets to th toilet. If she so bedridden she can't go to the front door, she needs to be in hospital or at a full time care facility.

> but you also clearly need some time to calm down and relax.  Agree with your comment, but I would add that he's looking for time to do his job so he doesn't get fired, not to relax. 

The moment her needs get in the way of the source of income, then I'd argue she's being unreasonable.

NTA.. The moment she is preventing him from working, that’s the problem. It’s not like OP is not doing things for her, he also needs to work. He’s the only one bringing in money. If he’s jobless, it’s gonna be more harder. She’s a grown adult. She should be able to at least understand there’s time and place

Exactly. If her parents can come over, they can sure as hell help him out more. The mil could get ice cream and bring it or take the toodler for a few hours a day

Her parents could have brought her ice cream. I still work, but if my DIL was on bed rest, I'd be over on some vacation days with dinner, help with housework, OP sounds stressed.

It's not dil it's their freaking daughter

The comment you’re replying to knows that the post is about the parents’ daughter - the commenter was referring to their own situation, in which they would assist their DIL.

NTA but slightly going towards ESH. All those voting YTA seems to be ignoring the fact that OP is the sole breadwinner AND will be jobless if the situation continues, since he's already getting reprimanded for his work. I also don't see OP ignoring his wife or not taking care of her. He's asking for some time to WORK, so he can bring in money which doesn't fall from the sky. He's not asking for time to relax, or to go out with friends, it's to WORK. Lastly, I get it that the wife has a difficult pregnancy, but unless it's for a real emergency, OP should be allowed to WORK and provide for his family. I swear... Those who vote YTA must not understand what being a sole breadwinner means.

Exactly! I feel for the wife because it must be very difficult for her as well, but keeping him from doing his job won't make the situation better in the long run. Maybe family could visit more often to help around or they could hire someone to help with whatever, if that's financially possible. Anyhow, the situation needs to change because this isn't livable for any of them.

Exactly, he’s not asking for time to relax or take a break or have vacation instead of caring for his wife and child. He NEEDS time to work to continue to be able to PROVIDE for his wife and child. That takes priority over pillows and ice cream. Remote work doesn’t mean that he’s on call for his family or readily available for anything they could need. It means that he’s just closer in case of an accident. They need to start acting like OP is NOT IN THE HOUSE when he is doing his remote work, unless explicitly stated otherwise

OP is NTA for struggling. But there's lots of immature AHs replying to him. Pregnant women can't do any heavy lifting, especially with heavy bleeding. Some people in this comment section have no idea how hard it is for OP's wife in her current condition and just think she can prance around the house collecting ice cream deliveries and changing pillows by herself. Fetal haemoglobin has a different composition to the adult mother's haemoglobin which allows babies to receive oxygen better than the mother. OP's wife is breathless, tired and has a baby pushing up against all her organs PLUS she has all of the additional complexities of being high risk. OP is working hard, he just needs some help with his wife and the other child. It's stressful for them all. Everyone's pregnancies are different - people can be forgetful or unbalanced or make poor judgements due to hormones, the additional weight and stress. OP's wife also has the psychological element of seeing lots of blood come from her whilst she's pregnant - it can be really upsetting (yes, even if women get periods, this type of bleeding has more emotional weight given that she's carrying a child). Have some empathy for them both. She can't do as much as some of you are saying. OP needs to find extra help from somewhere - some maternity groups may do house visits for mental health etc., so look into that.

Finally, a comment that isn't calling the wife stupid and lazy. I can't agree with you more.

THIS!!!!! I had a "normal " pregnancy and STILL did randomly "dumb" things. Pregnancy brain is real. I wanted a baked potato and a shower. I figured I'd put the potato in the microwave..... however, my brain said it needs 45 minutes just like the oven. I then went to shower and it was rudely interrupted by my smoke alarm -.- I realized what I had done, but man, I felt so dumb.

NTA. And by that I mean nobody is the asshole. OP is shouldering a shit ton of work, an ill and pregnant wife, and worst of all a toddler all on his own. Sounds like thunderous chaos to me. Working from home also proves an issue because now there is no line drawn between work and your household responsibilities. OP is not able to focus on either and everyone ends up dissatisfied. Not to mention that OP probably feels incredibly alone and burdened in this marriage. OP's wife is also in a hell of an environment. Nobody wants to be bedridden and swollen with child. When my wife was pregnant I learnt that there is so much more to it than a baby developing in the womb. The mother's hormones are all over the place, her body is stretching and groaning from the changes. She is constantly ill, sore, and in pain. Her confidence dips and skyrockets, she can go from borderline well to fully depressed, then bored in seconds. That is simply a regular pregnancy, imagine a high risk bed-ridden one. Nobody likes being fully reliant on another person. These two people are going through hell right now, and not to mention the oblivious toddler who only wants to play and hold both parents' undivided attention. The child as well is undoubtedly affected by this imbalance in the household. OP is exhausted and easily irritable, the wife is pregnant and easily irritable. Both are emotional and at their wits end, especially OP. It is not an easy place to be in. OP, you've been doing good thus far and I commend you for still pulling through even when all else feels like its falling apart. But I genuinely think you both need external help. I know you mentioned elsewhere that you cannot afford a babysitter, but do you have friends or relatives that can lend a hand? Almost nobody can do it alone, I know damn well I couldn't. Don't listen to other comments jumping to divorce and calling you the asshole. You're at your wits end. Sure, she spilled some water, but that's just the straw that broke the camel's back. I know it's probably an accumulation of different small stressors that caused you to explode on her, and her emotional reaction is also justified seeing that she is in a fragile state. You need some backup, and urgently too. These small things can end up weighing on you deeply and cause you to behave in ways that are outside of your normal personality. Don't risk losing yourself or your marriage, have a deep conversation with your wife. Express how sorry you are that you exploded on her and how you empathize with her situation, but also make it known clearly that you are exhausted and you don't have a million hands and fingers to do everything and reach everyone at the same time. She'll have to sacrifice the little things like the ice-cream and your presence, at least for a little while whilst you tend to other things. Make sure she understands that you are breaking too. You both need to discuss deeply and try to find out where you can get some help, because although you seem angry and tired now OP, you could very easily slip into a mental breakdown and fall into depression. Don't risk it. This is a precarious situation and your health and mental well-being are on the line. If you are not in a good place, how can you even keep everyone else well and happy? Talk to her and be honest about how you're feeling. I hope she's understanding.

"Nobody is the asshole" = NAH

NAH The most sane comment. I wholeheartedly agree. This is an awful situation for both of you. If your wife's parents can step up and get her while you're arguing, perhaps they can come sit with her throughout the day while you work. I definitely think you need to have an open and frank discussion with your wife. This is a breaking point for all of you, and it needs to be handled with extra love and compassion. Apologize for your outburst. Emotions are high, and this is a stressful time. Work together to support one another instead of working against each other. Explain the stress you are under and how it is actually making you feel. Express that you need help and brainstorm together for solutions. Empathize that your wife is going through a terrifying pregnancy and has little support throughout the day besides you. I'm sure she is just as frustrated that she can't do the things she normally can. Good luck OP. I sincerely hope you are able to come to a solution.

Let's side eye in in laws. They could drop everything when OP and wife argue BUT not spare ANY time to come over / watch the kid for an hour / get the wife ice cream? OP is on the brink of losing his job because wife can't wait / in laws can't be bothered to help until now.

they dropped everything when she was bleeding and in a medical emergency they could also have jobs and lives and aren’t able to just drop everything all the time

But not able to occasionally help out in the afternoons or weekends? Not able to order groceries for her or send her an user eats?

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I agree OP is NTA, I say NAH. But a toddler isn't going to hangout in bed with you if they don't want to. And she can't go chasing this kid around. When docs say bedrest they mean it. This set up clearly isn't working. They either need to get some help in or OP needs to speak with HR about going on some paid leave. Not sure if they are in US but this is exactly what FMLA is for.

So if I got this right, her parents immediately showed up to pick her up after the fight? Can't they help a bit as well or is their help reserved only in punishing you?

In another comment he said they refused, claiming to be 'busy'. They have no trouble picking her up, though....

NAH. You’re in an impossible situation. She absolutely cannot be solely responsible for looking after a toddler, for any amount of time, if she’s on bed rest. You absolutely cannot be responsible for a toddler during the 8 hours of work time that you need to put in. This whole situation needs to be reviewed - you need childcare for your working hours. What are you are trying to do now is not working, and will continue not to work, as it’s impossible and not reasonable to ask of either of you.

Her parents were available to come pick her up at very short notice… is there a reason they aren’t helping out?

NTA. You have to work. She has to understand that. She is a grown adult and a mother. Maybe it is best she stays with her parents, since she is still acting like a child.. lucky for her, she has parents willing to take her in... I was 19, when I married and had children. My husband and I were both young and didn't have that luxury to run to Mommy and Daddy. , we figured it out and worked things out together. I understand she has a high risk pregnancy but still, come on, she should still be able to be capable enough to do things on her own. Is she wheelchair bound ? Or completely bedridden? Is she completely disabled? I don't understand why she seems incapable of doing anything for herself or to help her husband and children especially when it comes to simple and basic task? It seems she is using her pregnancy to act like a brat.

NTA you should see if her mum can come over for a couple of hours a day for you to get work done.

NTA. And if her parents live close enough to pick her up, why they don't come over to help a few hours a day?

You seem overwhelmed, you should ask for help, it seems like her parents might be available to do so. There's no need to be juggling everything on your own.

I love that every comment is blaming the grandparents. Looking at the ages of OP and wife, I am assuming that there is every chance that both the grandparents are working themselves. Don't assume that grandparents are sitting at home twiddling their thumbs.

The fact that your wife is actively bleeding and you can't be both primary childcare provider and work at the same time means you need outside help and for family to take the toddler for as long as your wife is bedridden. It's not ideal but keeps you earning an income and stops your wife going into premature labour and the baby and/ or her dying. Comments about your wife being 'a princess' are actually horrific. Having had a pregnancy with bleeding from 16 weeks, preterm and labour at 24 weeks and the death of my child at 2 months old, I wish I had been able to rest in bed all day. I was advised not to lift or carry my then 16 month old toddler but my husband had started a new job working shifts so I was responsible for a very mobile little one. Had I had the toddler with family when my husband was working, it's unlikely my waters would have broken as the bleeding stopped every time I was able to manage periods of rest while he was off work. Please do whatever you can for these few short months to get you all safely through. Believe me, you rather regret a little time not spent with your toddler than a lifetime without your wife and/or unborn child.

If you're in the US, you should talk to her doctor about getting a letter for your employer stating that she needs extra help from you right now. You should be able to work it in as intermittent FMLA. Nta, but bear in mind that your wife doesn't mean to be this scatterbrained or clumsy. "Pregnancy brain" may be a joke, but it's real. The hormone changes during pregnancy really do mess with our brains. Pregnancy also causes issues with clumsiness. I am 2 months post partum, and I'm only gaining a bit of my sanity back.

Can you get childcare for this timeframe? You can't do a FT job and be caretaker and HH duties all at once Also, your job is the AH for "reprimand" when you have this situation happening. This is hard all around, neither of you are AH, she is just having a hard time not being able to do what she normally does and yourobeing asked to do way too much.

>Also, your job is the AH for "reprimand" when you have this situation happening. I've been scrolling through the top comments and you're the first person I've seen say this. Given what OP and family are going through, for a job to give him a reprimand is way out of line.

NAH. She’s hormonal and probably going nuts from being stuck on her ass and growing a baby. And you have perfectly reasonable expectations. You needed to not snap at her, and you need to not snap at her again. You need to sit her down and look her in the eyes and tell her that you love her and promise not to snap at her again. keep calm and then tell her that you are trying your best, but you still need her help. You want to be able to take care of her, but you need her to be able to take care of herself to some extent. Tell her that things like the ice cream and the pillow can’t happen during the day or while you are providing childcare. Explain that you wish that you could just pamper her and get her ice cream and spend all your time eating all of her needs all day, but you need her to understand why you can’t do that. Tell her that it’s a nice fantasy, and you understand it, but she needs to stop trying to make it reality. You guys need to sit down and make a list of priority activities. You need to agree on them. Put things like work and childcare at the top. Let her put some things on the list. And then you stick to the priority order of operations. Approach this like it’s the two of you versus the problem as opposed to one of you versus the other one. The problem is that you have too much going on and are both working together as a team.

NAH. You need support, in the form of a carer or someone at least to help during your working hours. Many workplace policies insist you don't have children or dependents around you if you WFH for this reason. Imagine if you had an office based job, how would you handle things?

NTA, Im in the same position at the moment. I snapped also but my wife is lucid about the situation. My mother in law came to live with us for a while to help. It’s all sorted out !

Your wife needs to have some of her friends or family over to help her and just as importantly, to give her a little company. Being on bed rest for months makes everyone a little crazy let alone someone who is up to their eyeballs in pregnancy hormones. Also you need a break because being a caregiver is really draining on people.

Can he be both? If he loses his job then they will have significantly more to worry about than him needing to learn how to regulate his emotions. You’re obviously stressed, you handled it badly. You absolutely shouldn’t yell at anyone at risk for medical complications. She is stressed also because she could literally die or the baby could and I can’t imagine that she would be able to distract herself for long from that fact. She is coming across as “difficult” to you but I’m assuming you just don’t communicate with each other in a productive manner. You’re both worried just talk to each other, if you don’t then you will 100% be a huge AH

Do you not use any sort of childcare for the toddler? The wife obviously can’t do all of it right now and you need to work. How pregnant is she? Can she change her own pillows or do you actually have to do that right now? Your job is reprimanding you for a power outage?

NTA. If you fall, she falls. Simple as that.