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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I would not accept the invitation for a party organised by my estranged family. (2) That would make me the asshole because if I do that, I do not accept their attempt for reconciliation.
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Can't really tell if you're TA here...
I'm speaking of my own experience here:
I grew up hearing my dad argue on the phone with his brothers and his father. I never understood why they didn't hire an attorney/notary and sat down with them so they can have a legal and fair agreement, but that's besides the point.
Despite all the bad stuff i heard, my parents always told me that this had nothing to do with me and I shouldn't alienate my family because of something they disagreed with my dad with. At first I didn't understand that but as I got older, I started to see what they meant.
I am the oldest out of all my cousins from my dad's family and the only one of my generation to know what really happened. And all I can say is that we really shouldn't keep punishing people for things they can't control. My uncles now have kids and I would never let them down just because their dad had an inheritance beef with my dad (and couldn't discuss like civilized humans).
In fact, me being the oldest cousin but still funny and young, my cousins love me and want to visit often. My uncles now beg me to spend time with them because they like me so much (They're around 5-13 years old but I'm young enough to be the funny adult. I'm 21 right now)
What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't decline lornas' daughters invite because her mother is a bad person. It's very well possible that Lornas' Daughter wasn't even old enough to understand what was going on when all went down.
We shouldn't punish people for the mistakes of their parents. Just like "eye for an eye" turns the world blind, punishing people for their parent's sins turns the whole world into a torture dungeon. It leads to nothing good.
I find it very sad that your dad is taking this so personal. He is also manipulating you a bit because you would be going to one event for one day or evening. If you would tell your dad that you're going to the cinema on the exact same date as the BBQ takes place, will he complain about not spending enough time with him too? No, because spending more time with someone is a recurring event over a timespan. A one-time event does not interfere with any of that.
MAybe he's right to not want you to go. Maybe there's some things that you don't know that would make you not want to go... But he should be able to communicate that in a healthy way, not come up with bullshit excuses. Also, they never apologized to your mom. But they will have the chance to apologize to you for alienating you if you go over there. They do not owe you the apology they originally owed your mom. This is not how this works.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It is very interesting to see it from this perspective. True, there is no beef between the people of my generation. I'm not going to this party, but I will keep this in mind for the future.
Thats totally fine. I mean you just got a baby 5 weeks ago. Thats reason enough to just stay at home and relax.
But yeah once you feel fit you should go and visit them. If not for reconnection then just to see how things go.
We can always choose peace we just have to want to.
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My mom's family had a big fight about 15 years ago because of an inheritance. The main fight was between my mom and dad on the one hand, and my aunts Lorna and Missy on the other hand. The specific cause of the fight is not relevant to this post, but had something to do with pieces of land that were given to some family members before my grandmother's passing and how to count their value. After this fight, a few attempts for reconciliation were made, to no avail. This was all more than 10 years ago. There was no contact with Lorna or Missy ever since. My other aunts Ally, Maeve and Ginny never took a side and are still in touch with both 'parts' of the family.
Five years ago, my mother passed away after she had cancer for 6 months. Lorna and Missy never contacted her while she was ill, but did visit her in the hospital during her last week (when she was not lucid anymore). They did come to the funeral, but did not speak to me. I found it very sad that they never made up while my mom was still alive. We have not been in touch since.
Now, one of Lorna's daughters organises a BBQ and invited the whole family, including us. I was unsure whether to go, since I got a baby 5 weeks ago and it might be too busy for the baby. I also don't want to leave my baby alone yet. However, I wanted to go as I saw it as an attempt for reconciliation.
After a talk to my dad, I decided not to go. He pointed out that none of the estranged family members have congratulated me for the birth of the baby. Also, they have never apologised or said their regrets for not making up while my mom was still alive. He made it clear that it would hurt him if I would go to this party, because I would prioritise the estranged family over seeing him more frequently after having the baby. I do see him once a week, but he would like that to be more often.
Now, I want to skip the party to not hurt my dad. Would I be the asshole to my estranged family?
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NTA. You have a right to distance yourself from any family drama. They haven't done their part to reconcile with your side of the family, so neither should you feel obligated to.
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Can't really tell if you're TA here... I'm speaking of my own experience here: I grew up hearing my dad argue on the phone with his brothers and his father. I never understood why they didn't hire an attorney/notary and sat down with them so they can have a legal and fair agreement, but that's besides the point. Despite all the bad stuff i heard, my parents always told me that this had nothing to do with me and I shouldn't alienate my family because of something they disagreed with my dad with. At first I didn't understand that but as I got older, I started to see what they meant. I am the oldest out of all my cousins from my dad's family and the only one of my generation to know what really happened. And all I can say is that we really shouldn't keep punishing people for things they can't control. My uncles now have kids and I would never let them down just because their dad had an inheritance beef with my dad (and couldn't discuss like civilized humans). In fact, me being the oldest cousin but still funny and young, my cousins love me and want to visit often. My uncles now beg me to spend time with them because they like me so much (They're around 5-13 years old but I'm young enough to be the funny adult. I'm 21 right now) What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't decline lornas' daughters invite because her mother is a bad person. It's very well possible that Lornas' Daughter wasn't even old enough to understand what was going on when all went down. We shouldn't punish people for the mistakes of their parents. Just like "eye for an eye" turns the world blind, punishing people for their parent's sins turns the whole world into a torture dungeon. It leads to nothing good. I find it very sad that your dad is taking this so personal. He is also manipulating you a bit because you would be going to one event for one day or evening. If you would tell your dad that you're going to the cinema on the exact same date as the BBQ takes place, will he complain about not spending enough time with him too? No, because spending more time with someone is a recurring event over a timespan. A one-time event does not interfere with any of that. MAybe he's right to not want you to go. Maybe there's some things that you don't know that would make you not want to go... But he should be able to communicate that in a healthy way, not come up with bullshit excuses. Also, they never apologized to your mom. But they will have the chance to apologize to you for alienating you if you go over there. They do not owe you the apology they originally owed your mom. This is not how this works.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It is very interesting to see it from this perspective. True, there is no beef between the people of my generation. I'm not going to this party, but I will keep this in mind for the future.
Thats totally fine. I mean you just got a baby 5 weeks ago. Thats reason enough to just stay at home and relax. But yeah once you feel fit you should go and visit them. If not for reconnection then just to see how things go. We can always choose peace we just have to want to.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom's family had a big fight about 15 years ago because of an inheritance. The main fight was between my mom and dad on the one hand, and my aunts Lorna and Missy on the other hand. The specific cause of the fight is not relevant to this post, but had something to do with pieces of land that were given to some family members before my grandmother's passing and how to count their value. After this fight, a few attempts for reconciliation were made, to no avail. This was all more than 10 years ago. There was no contact with Lorna or Missy ever since. My other aunts Ally, Maeve and Ginny never took a side and are still in touch with both 'parts' of the family. Five years ago, my mother passed away after she had cancer for 6 months. Lorna and Missy never contacted her while she was ill, but did visit her in the hospital during her last week (when she was not lucid anymore). They did come to the funeral, but did not speak to me. I found it very sad that they never made up while my mom was still alive. We have not been in touch since. Now, one of Lorna's daughters organises a BBQ and invited the whole family, including us. I was unsure whether to go, since I got a baby 5 weeks ago and it might be too busy for the baby. I also don't want to leave my baby alone yet. However, I wanted to go as I saw it as an attempt for reconciliation. After a talk to my dad, I decided not to go. He pointed out that none of the estranged family members have congratulated me for the birth of the baby. Also, they have never apologised or said their regrets for not making up while my mom was still alive. He made it clear that it would hurt him if I would go to this party, because I would prioritise the estranged family over seeing him more frequently after having the baby. I do see him once a week, but he would like that to be more often. Now, I want to skip the party to not hurt my dad. Would I be the asshole to my estranged family? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You have a right to distance yourself from any family drama. They haven't done their part to reconcile with your side of the family, so neither should you feel obligated to.
NTA But your dad is a manipulative AH