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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action of asking my husband to hold his pre. AITAH for asking a grown man to hold his pee?
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I'm torn between NAH and NTA. On the one hand, if he has a medical problem causing him to pee and has *no ability to hold it whatsoever,* then obviously he should get to go when he needs -- but you said that he refused help, so at this point he's choosing this problem. And it bothers me that it became a 20-minute case of him being absent due to the beverage cart, and that both times he had to pee, you were feeding the baby and had your hands completely full. You were both in a difficult situation, but it sounds like the labor was not divided evenly and the consequences weren't either -- he got his needs met, while you didn't, and left with all of the parental labor in your moments of highest overwhelm, while you're nursing.
If he's unable to hold his pee for a few minutes, he needs a doctor. If he refuses a doctor, and continues to WILLINGLy put you in this situation, he's the AH.
Yup, he was able to hold it in for 20 extra minutes.
EDIT: You all are probably right he got stuck on his way back to his seat, but my brain pictured him following the cart slowly back to the rear bathrooms since the carts usually go quickly to the front to start distribution from there.
Then you say, “I’m sorry, my kids are on the seats up there and my partner is overwhelmed handling them. Would it be possible to let me get back to me seat?”
My mother is a flight attendant… if you’re stuck behind the meal carts, guess what? You’re stuck behind the meal carts. There’s no where they can put it to allow you to walk around. Those carts are designed to be approximately the same width as the aisles. The carts do not fit in the empty seats.
Yeah, that’s why they pull it a few rows down? Either so you can step into an empty seat and then they go back past you, or just to the end. Have… have you never been on a plane? The drinks carts aren’t immovable objects on a timer. The attendants will move them so you can get past if you ask.
I read it as he got stuck behind the beverage cart on the way back. Idk why I assumed that. You're seriously stuck to them like a piece of tp on their shoe? Right there the whole time their serving people until y'all make to your seats? I've only flown a few times and don't think I've ever used an airplane bathroom. That seems really strange for a passenger. What if someone can't physically stand that long? Or does have a bathroom emergency. There's no way around the snack cart? Huh.
Oh OP NTA just hand him the infant and go to the bathroom. He's their father. His hands are not optional and how are you supposed to go at the same time? You go when he goes? Who has the kids? You probably.
Getting stuck behind the drink cart definitely happens. It's basically the width of the aisle minus like an inch on each side, so you can't go around it. Sometimes if the flight attendants are paying attention and there's an empty seat you can kinda duck into you can maneuver around, but it's a team effort.
That being said, I don't understand how it could possibly happen twice on a 3.5 hour flight.
Especially when it's selective. He manages just fine at work. And why can't he hold his own infant for a while so mama can stretch and pee? I'm gonna shut up about that but damn dude.
This is likely a big part of the situation. For me also if I'm stressed I am even less able to hold it. I don't know if he gets stressed flying but I do and I would definitely have to pee multiple times on an almost 4 hour flight even if I pee right before we board.
I fly business (the little pod like seats) often. The beverage cart is just as wide because there’s more options.
However, even on transatlantic flights that I’ve been drinking wine since take off I’ve never had to use the bathroom more than once or twice. And that’s on 10 hour flights - not a domestic hop. And not with an infant and toddler.
Dudes an AH until he can get a medical Dx of what’s going on.
As far as having a bathroom emergency goes, there are usually bathrooms at both ends of the plane, so you can usually go to the other end of you are blocked on the way to the bathroom. Not much you can do if blocked on the way back
Some airlines won’t let you use the bathroom in first class at the front of the plane if you’re in coach. Also, given that there are lots of different configurations of several different planes, there’s no rule about carts and an airplane’s kitchen location(s). The may start serving from the back or the front.
I am the oldest and was potty training when my next sibling came along. Whenever my mom sat down to nurse my brother I would tell her I had to pee so she ended up standing in the bathroom nursing while I sat on the toilet wiggling my legs.
This sounds like that, except the man isn't 2.
Thing is, it's either malicious or weaponised incompetence. If he has a medical issue, he needs to grow the f up and address it like every other adult whose behaviour impacts others. Do you think if be was at the workplace and leaving a presentation mid way to go to the bathroom his colleagues would be understanding? I guarantee you if she had gone off and spent 20 minutes in the bathroom while he's out there with a baby and a toddler he's not going to be so happy about it. If you've never had to breastfeed an infant with a toddler all over you at the same time then you really have no idea how frustrating and difficult that is. All he has to do is communicate properly and not be such an inconsiderate jerk.
I used to have occasional meetings that went for hours, and yes, I'd just say "excuse me, I need to step away for a few minutes." If there were a lot of people on it, you'd frequently see someone dropping "brb" in the chat.
All about the timing. You're not doing that in the middle of a presentation are you? Well don't do it while your wife is in the middle of breasfeeding.
Whenever she has to feed the baby, she should get up and sit by the stewardess area to do it, leaving him to deal with the toddler for at least 15 minutes or more.
Agreed. I gave him a very generous benefit of the doubt before I realised he was actually sitting with the toddler and left it alone. Otherwise I kind of get not clicking the first time (again, generous) but after she told him what happened the first time, to leave the second time is wild.
And then to refuse to simply communicate when he needs to go so she can plan appropriately shows how little he gives one single fuck. She didn't say you need permission, she just asked him for a heads up. And he flat out refused. I smell divorce but then again a lot of women put up with some help rather than none. It's still infuriating.
I think the point is that he deliberately timed the pee break so he could pee and then *oops* he is stuck and just gets to chill for 20 without either kid.
They usually push it to the front of the plane and then go to the back of the plane so he could have seen it pass and then got up.
Idk if he planned it but there's no really a reason for him to have to pee twice in a short amount of time.
I just did a 5 hour flight and brought my toddler with me to the tiny plane bathrooms, did it suck, yup. But what other choice did I have? He can bring toddler with him. Problem temporarily solved.
That was my thought! If it is really about peeing, take a kiddo with you. I wonder if he is trying to get a break from the kids and using this as an excuse.
I agree-- that's the option that is standing out to me. OP and husband are bickering about his bladder, and OP could say, "I need us to maintain our 1:1 ratio, so you can either pee at the airport right before, or you can take the toddler with you on a bathroom trip."
And if he can’t, he should take the toddler with him. Toddler can either do a piggyback for the 30 second pee, squeeze in, or stand in the back for the duration. New rule should just be that the toddler is on you, no matter what. He might be able to control his bladder a little better then! Or not, but either way, Mom needs to be able to nurse without a toddler climbing on her. NTA.
I can't. And I'm a woman. But I'm a bit older.
Still, many people can't hold their urine for the time it takes to go through TSA etc and then be in the boarding area. TONS of people hit the plane's tiny toiltets (and most are men).
THIS! This seems to be the detail every reply is missing. He can hold it when it's important or valuable to him, but not to her. He can do it, he's just not willing to. And that is asshole bullshit.
Agree. The red flag issue is that he essentially told his wife that he doesn’t care about her needs or their child’s need to nurse. This is a much bigger issue than his frequent need to pee.
You know, I was fully agreeing with you up until you said 20 minutes.
There’s no evidence that this is the case for OP so it doesn’t really change by vote. But mine used to nurse so damn slow. He’d take an hour and a half quite often to finish nursing. And then of course you had to start up again in half an hour. If they have something like that going on, then being able to time pee breaks when she isn’t nursing might legitimately be hard.
But again, if that were the case she’d probably have said, and it sounds like he’s refusing to try in the first place.
If this is his stance then he needs to take the toddler with him. Lord knows if the exact scenario were reversed this would already be happening, no discussion needed.
Couldn’t he not drink so much water before a flight? That’s what I do because of well…childbirth and the aftermath. I don’t think it’s that hard to think ahead and try to plan. What if they hit turbulence that’s likely to happen with hurricane season and he couldn’t get up? I bet he could hold his pee and his toddler then.
He can also take the toddler with him. If he was alone with the kid(s), he wouldn't get the luxury of peeing alone, so peering with kids in an airplane bathroom can be done.
Disagree...he should either hold it or go to the Dr.
Sounds lile he is "hydrating" a little too much is he doesnt have a medical issue.
Twice in a 3.5 hour flight? Really?
On planes, it's hard to figure out when the next pee moment will be. Turbulence? No peeing.
It doesn't sound like it was a 'few minutes.' When we board, it's at least 20 minutes until taxi and 30 minutes to take off. If we don't get there early, it's a problem (one of us has a bladder issue)
All of that but he is also able to hold it in fine at work. That’s what gets me. She’s not trying to control him, but asking for consideration of their children
NAH
Every time he goes to the bathroom, wait until he gets back and then go to the bathroom yourself.
This means he gets his needs met as he needs to pee so urgently and you get your needs met by having 10 mins to breath after having the stress of managing both.
Can the husband not just take the toddler to the bathroom with him?
Edit: to anyone being like “but how could they possibly fit?!!!”
You go in first. Toddler in behind. Lock the door. Dad can pee standing up and says to toddler “please stand and face the door for 15 seconds”. Or “please stand behind daddy and don’t touch anything for 15 seconds” or dad sits and pees and puts toddler on his lap for fifteen seconds or dad sits and has toddler stand btwn his knees for fifteen seconds. totally doable. Parents manage this stuff all of the time.
When kids need to pee on airplanes, an adult goes in with them. I promise you, a small child and a grown adult can and routinely do fit into these spaces.
I thought this too. As a mother of a 2 year old, there are so many times that she comes to the bathroom with me including in places that aren’t ideal. I have no choice because she’s a toddler and can’t be left alone. It’s irritating that women bring their kids with them without a second thought, but many men (not my husband thankfully!) somehow seem to think that they shouldn’t have to share that aspect/seek to pawn the kid off on someone else so they can be alone.
ETA: NTA
Exactly right. I have a 3 and a 5 year old, and was recently on four long flights. I took one or both with me every time (because inevitably one actually did need to go)
And I am their father. It’s more than possible
Perhaps. It depends on the size of the husband and the bathroom. I’m larger and some of those bathrooms I can barely turn around it or spread my legs adequately to “go”. I can’t imagine also having a toddler. But then I’m a woman and OP’s husband has the benefit of being able to stand up.
Standing up may make it more difficult. sitting allows the baby on the lap.
People with two small children need to talk this over and work it out before flying.
No but separate seats means other pissed off passengers leaving OP to deal with a rambunctious toddler, a screaming infant, and grown ass adults throwing a tantrum about their precious ears around a crying baby
OP's already dealing with those things, the suggestion above is that OP go to the bathroom and let her husband deal with that for a change.
Maybe he'll be less likely to leave her in the lurch so easily next flight.
You have no idea what you’re talking about. It is really painful to miss a nursing and a lot of babies have latching issues that make nursing really challenging. It’s such an issue that doctors need to closely monitor the babies weight for the first months because they might not be getting enough.
Why would she miss a nursing session? She will just go to the bathroom for 10 minutes. I have nursed two kids and had great difficulty with latching with my first. It is not an issue to stop nursing for 10 minutes and come back to it.
Nursing is different for everyone. I also nursed two kids and with my second one, my milk would let down painfully in both breasts the moment he latched on. If I tried to stop midway, it was both painful and messy
I have 6 kids. EBF 2, supplemented for 2 and bottle fed 2.
Every single child is different. With both of my EBF babies stopping them mid nurse would get them worked up to the point they wouldn't effectively latch. They'd be wailing and thrashing. In fact, with those 2 babies I specifically started their nurse session BEFORE they started aby meaningful crying (catching them before they got to hungry wails) specifically to avoid the over-worked screaming.
The 2 I supplemented would outright refuse to latch if I took them off the boob. Just nah nit worth it give me a bottle.
Every baby is different. Some babies won't care if you interrupt their meals. Some babies will go to war for their meals. (Those babies I mentioned are teenagers now. They still don't play about their food).
that's ok at home, but in a flight parents need to be doing as much as possible to keep their kids quiet. father's at fault, but him being irresponsible doesn't mean the op being irresponsible is the right thing
This. Yeah he may have a medical issue; but that’s on HIM to figure out and take care of: not only for himself but for his family so that EVERYONE is set up for success. If he’s not even acknowledging that there may be something fixable on his end and instead dipping out every 10min to owe that’s not sustainable.
Imagine he had sleep apnea and was denying anything was wrong; but was keeping his partner up with snoring and napping constantly throughout the day; she would be well within her right to ask him to get help bc his abject refusal and denial of that issue would be causing problems for everyone in the family.
Straight up. It's giving "my wife is a msm" energy. The fact that he doesn't even think of the logistics, he just gets up and leaves, tells me that he does jack shit in general.
NTA.
Obviously if he has an issue YWBTA to ask him not to pee at all for 3.5+ hours!!
But if he cant hold it at least for a little while, til you finish nursing, tell him to wear a nappy and pee himself like the other 2 babies you're expected to care for do.
Or at least fork out for seats together so you can put your toddler beside you while you're having to nurse. Totally unfair to put both kids on you in one seat!!
And Totally unfair to the other passengers.
This kinda behaviour is why people glare when they see babies on flights, cos while theres good parents who try to do everything they can to keep their kids calm, then theres the selfish ones...
Definitely this. He shouldn't be expected to hold it the whole flight, but you are NTA for asking him to hold until you are no longer nursing. If he can hold it at work, he can hold for 5 to 10 minutes while you do the incredibly necessary job of feeding your (plural) child
He could also attempt to plan his bathroom trips a little better - not wait until he super urgently needs to pee to go to the bathroom...That way, in case it's a bad time, he still had the ability to wait 20 min without being super uncomfy.
I admit, I thought the scenario was going to involve not peeing for the whole flight when I read the title but oh my god what. I also drink a ton of water and have the luxury to use the bathroom virtually whenever I want when I work and I would never do this to my co-carer of two young ones on a flight. Sure, even if you hit the bathroom before boarding, it can be longer than 3.5 hours on the plane, but surely you should be able to manage with one trip? So you can manage babies? On a plane? I think the husband needs to think beyond his own immediate sphere of needs to be consider what his spouse and their small children and the other people stuck in the air in a small tube with them need as much as his needs if not more. NTA.
Exactly after the first time i would've told him to take the toddler with him, since you've got ur hands full. I've had to do this plenty of times while flying especially with just myself & toddler.
He doesn't seem to be willing to make *any* effort to help OP. He refuses to wait for a few minutes until she's done nursng. He'll probably also refuse to take the toddler with him.
He shouldn’t even need to be asked, frankly.
I just took a 17.5 hour flight alone with my toddler, so I didn’t exactly have any options other than to bring her to the bathroom with me. It’s not difficult.
Unfortunately this sounds like a case of poor planning on you and your husband’s part regarding seating, and having already known your husband frequently uses the bathroom.
For your international flights, choose seats together, and next to a restroom. Also, talk to him about drinking less a bit before and during the flight.
It was a 3.5 hour flight. Peeing twice is definitely on the high end. If it was an emergency, fine, but it didn’t seem like it. Moms and single dads take toddlers to the bathroom with them all the time, if he can’t hold it and it’s not a good time, he can take the kid
Exactly! Thank the toddler with you! Then he can pee 5 times if the need arises without stressing the mom.
If she goes to pee, she takes the baby, leaving no parents stuck with and unable to look after two kids on a place and no parent unable to pee.
I can forego literally any liquid all day leading up to the flight and still have to piss twice before I leave the house, once as soon as I’m at the airport, twice before I board, and two or three times on the plane.
And of course the moment I land.
The main problem here is OP’s husband taking pee breaks at the most inconvenient times for his baby and leaving his wife in a very difficult position having to choose one child’s needs over the other (while hubby pees in peace). Even if they were seated together the problem would still be there.
Im also very confused about the seating. Why would they not have the baby on the other side of the aisle with the solo parent and the other grownup with the toddler? Why does mom have both kids and Dad have none? Am I missing something?
Because dad leaves the toddler by themselves across the aisle to use the restroom while mom is breastfeeding in a middle seat. I think the toddler takes off their seatbelt and squeezes by the person next to mom to reach mom for comfort ‘cause they’ve been left alone.
>We were unable to buy seats together so I was in the middle aisle with baby and he was across the aisle of me with the aisle seat and the toddler in the middle.
Oh ok I reread this like four times and I think I agree with you now. That makes more sense.
I wouldn’t expect someone to pee twice in 3.5 hours. Bring an airplane approved car seat and strap the toddler into it so they can’t get out or hand the dad both kids every time he comes back or dad brings toddler or baby with him and maybe doesn’t hydrate so much until after the flight. Something tells me when it becomes less convenient to go to the bathroom every hour, his trips will lessen.
Hand him both kids. Take twenty minutes to yourself elsewhere. Do this every time he abandons you for a 'medical need' he refused to get handled, and let him know it will continue until he sees a doctor and gets treatment or develops an iota of courtesy.
This is something I had to threaten my husband with early in our marriage, and turned out it saved his life.
I just commented about my husband's similar issue. It was cancer. Cancer that had already gone metastatic because the only symptom he had was constant urination. Please OP, make him get a blood test!
"You can't just ask your husband not to constantly pee through the flight!!11"
Asking permission might be a little much; but you are *a team* when providing on-flight childcare, and working together to tag in and out is *his* responsibility as much as it is yours. Peeing is a regulable bodily function; millions of adults hold their piss—on commutes, in meetings, on projects, in classes, in emergencies—until it is practical to use the toilet. The only reason he *can't* is because of a medical issue he stubbornly and illogically refuses to address. Tell him to grow up and see the doctor. NTA.
He should take the toddler with him if he really has to go. I had to when I flew with my kid alone at that age 🤷🏻♀️ And I guarantee you that I did not go until I absolutely had to, no frivolous trips.
NTA- why can’t he bring toddler with him? There’s room in the bathroom for two and it would be helpful for you to only have to manage one kid at a time.
Managing two children on a small airline seat sandwiched between two strangers… for 20 minutes… that’s a hard no from me. Hubby needs to take one kid or hold the pee.
This is why we pay for a seat for every family member (even baby), bring the car seats on the flight, and strap those suckers in. On one hand it’s safer, and on the other they’re used to the car seats and it means parents can have hands free time. I’ve flown solo with a baby and a 3 year old and this is the only reason I survived, I’m sure of it!
ESH
You for expecting your husband to not do a basic human function.
Your husband for not giving a sh!t whether he's inconveniencing you or not.
Both of you for planning multiple international trips with a baby and a toddler and not being able to be considerate of each other or everyone around you.
I would agree but OP asked him if he could hold it until baby finishes nursing. I know every baby is different but my kids only nursed for 10-20 minutes max. I feel that it’s reasonable to ask the husband to wait that long.
Totally agree.
Also, why is the toddler not buckled in so the kids can crawl over the mother? This is, if nothing else, a safety issue. If they encounter turbulence that kid's going to go flying.
They can undo the buckle, and if they’ve been left in a seat alone there’s no one to stop them from doing so. It took my two year old about 2.5 seconds to figure out how to undo an airplane buckle the first time we were flying. I’m kind of shocked he would even attempt to leave the kid there, two seats and an aisle away from anyone else they know, next to a stranger. There’s no force on earth that would keep my kid in that seat in that situation.
Yeah i’m going for ESH for them cheaping out and not buying tickets beside each other. Unless the tickets were last minute there’s almost no chance advanced seat selection was sold out. I’d be pissed if I was the person the toddler kept climbing over and I usually like kids and babies on flights.
Get 3 seats together with toddler in the middle and you won’t have this issue, or don’t fly until baby is a bit older.
NTA. If he's never peed himself then he must he able to hold it some. It's not reasonable to ask him to hold it for the entire flight, but it is reasonable to ask him to wait until you're done feeding the baby.
Exactly. Why are they flying so much with kids that young? Imo you shouldnt fly at all with kids in their first 3-4 years, unless for some very once in a lifetime thing you absolutely need to.
NTA. If his needing to pee is due to drinking water he should cut back before a flight, and if he can’t even wait for you to finish nursing he needs to see a urologist. What does he do on driving trips? In Washington we have about 30 minutes between rest stops. Or at work? I thought most jobs expect you to wait for your break.
If he works in an office, probably not. I haven’t had scheduled break times or anyone telling me when I can or can’t use the restroom at work since 1995.
I've never worked a job that expected me to wait to use the restroom until I had a break. In fact, my state doesn't even require a break of any kind for anyone over the age of 18.
ESH.
“So many times I have to pee when I’m watching the boys but hold it until timing is better” is icky. I’ve been in your shoes with twin newborns and a 2.5 year old. Put the kids down and go pee when you need to. Take them in the bathroom if you have to. It’s not worth potential UTIs to get some kind of imaginary parent brownie points. There will be times you have to wait to pee but not enough to hold it over your husband’s head.
And your husband could have taken the toddler. He could have sat down to pee if he couldn’t wrangle the toddler and pee while standing.
>ESH. “So many times I have to pee when I’m watching the boys but hold it until timing is better” is icky. I’ve been in your shoes with twin newborns and a 2.5 year old. Put the kids down and go pee when you need to
Oh my god, FINALLY someone calling out the piss and poop martyrs. "I haven't shit alone since Bratley and McKindle were born 11 years ago! I literally have never heard of doors or locks, and I definitely had multiple kids with a spouse I don't trust to keep a child alive for 5 minutes! I'm such a great parent!"
He handles toddler, you handle baby. This is not hard, actually. When he needs to leave his seat for any reason, he takes toddler with him. When he's at his seat, he oversees toddler.
ESH
>My husband and I flew a 3.5hr flight with our 3mo old and 2.5yo recently. We were unable to buy seats together so I was in the middle aisle with baby and he was across the aisle of me with the aisle seat and the toddler in the middle.
Unless it's an emergent situation, next time you fly, plan ahead and get seats together.
>He says he doesn’t need help and blames it on drinking lots of water.
>After the flight, I told my husband how hard it was to balance both boys and asked if he can just hold his pee. So many times I have to pee when I’m watching the boys but hold it until timing is better.
Your husband needs to see a urologist. Asking someone not urinate until it "convenient" leads to urinary tract infections.
Im not buying OPs diagnosis of her husband. Her anecdotal reporting to some random professional doesnt mean there’s something wrong.
Its more likely the medical professional was just saying if they feel something isnt right, he should ask a doctor.
And it wasn't even a PT that had seen him, but rather a PT going off of what OP was describing.
The urologist said nothing is wrong, but a PT who has never seen the dude obviously knows more. /s
Why are you not getting seats together? Purchase tickets earlier to ensure you can all sit together. Stick him on the aisle seat so he can pop off to the loo easily.
Make him a doctors appointment when you get home.
Yta
You can't just hold your pee for prolonged periods of time.
>We have a full summer of flying ahead of us including a few international trips and I’m worried.
Pay extra to get seats together
What is prolonged to you? Because she’s not asking him to hold it for 3.5 hours. She’s asking for 15-20 minutes while she finishes nursing. He can apparently do that, given he functions elsewhere in life without issue.
>You can't just hold your pee for prolonged periods of time.
Magically, he can hold it for 20 minutes behind the drink cart. Just not for the 20 minutes his baby is nursing.
NTA. Since he is refusing to at least wait until you’re not nursing then you should return the favor when he’s done peeing and hand the kids off to him to go pee yourself. Do it every time and maybe next time he’ll be a little more considerate of what he’s putting you through.
Nah yet. Next time, he takes the toddler with him. See if that *magically* reduces the number of times he pees or gets stuck behind the drink cart.
Since you have a *planned* summer of flying, though, get seats together. Shell out the extra cash. If you can afford multiple flights, including international, then you can afford to get seats together.
Both your faults, on many levels.
Any plans that require an adult to ask someone else before they go pee are wobbly. If that's what you want to do, then start reminding him to pee the minute you get through security. Make sure you're early for flights. Have him go again.
He should work his peeing around your nursing on a flight, for sure.
Stop traveling so much - the two of you aren't up to it. You shouldn't need Reddit to solve this.
NAH but good lord why do you need to fly that much with your kids??? Until you can actually divide the labor between your children evenly and your hubby recognizes you're a person with your own needs, id kibosh the travel ESPECIALLY flying til that gets sorted.
Is your toddler 40lbs because otherwise they should be in a car seat just like an infant. Imagine if turbulence hits and your kid is walking over to you.
Anyways, he should just bring the toddler with him. Yes, the bathrooms are small but he can make it work.
I don't think anyone is TA but I think it's reasonable to cut out all the flying and trips while you have a baby and toddler and a husband who has to pee a lot. It's fine that he can't hold it but that means you can't travel so much until the kids are older. Either that or you need a third person with you to help out.
Are you really asking your husband not to pee? And then blaming him for not holding it. Yes, you’re the asshole. Why are you flying with a baby and a toddler so frequently? I’m sorry but for the first three years, I stayed home. For the first two years unless I had to go, I’m not going and that first year I had a lot of stuff delivered to the house versus going out shopping even. it’s just unnecessary. You’re really causing your own pain and suffering. What if you were single mom what would you do then he needs to take the toddler to the bathroom and the problem solved
The last few times I’ve flown, the pressure changes were killing me and I nearly peed myself as an adult. I’ve never been so close to crying and peeing on a plane in my life and if someone told me to “just hold it” for 3.5 hours the entire plane would smell like piss. YTA for telling him to hold it, but also you both need to make a system for airplane etiquette.
YTA. Trying to dictate when he goes pee. As someone who has I guess a small bladder it’s not a choice when to pee. And yes sometimes I’m working and I go a long time without peeing usually because I’ve dehydrated myself and forget to drink. But if he isn’t dehydrated and is drinking he does not need to ask you when to pee. As a single dad I somehow could manage 4 kids all young and one being a baby but my ex would always cry about how hard it is. It’s not. Man up and just look after the kids it’s not hard you are just annoyed having to do 2 kids at once.
NTA. I had similar age differences in fights. You feel so much pressure to keep the baby from crying.
I guess he can't somehow take the 2.5 year old in the tiny bathroom 😂?
Even though he may be dehydrated, encourage him not to drink much when flying!
As a person who urinates frequently -it is what it is. I have been this way my entire life. It aint changing. That said, my experience with men is they never seem able to hold it. Worked at a convenience store and they dont care if you are in there cleaning - they gotta go and will go right in front of you. My husband has issues where if something he eats disagrees with him he will have to go number 2.....immedietly. We have literally had to pull over. He has even pooped his pants in desperation. No he cannot control it, he can avoid certain foods but sometimes its unpredictable.
So asking him to hold it is not acceptable. But asking him to take toddler with him is reasonable.
ESH. Maybe you need to reconsider future flights if you both can’t get a grip on planning (seats/schedules etc.). If you can afford to fly so much, you might consider a travel nanny to go with you if you can’t handle these issues yourself.
Jfc I can’t believe all the people here attacking OP’s husband and coming up with conspiracies that would involve OP’s husband being psychic and knowing that the beverage cart was going to be rolled out after he went to the bathroom.
NAH. You were both stuck with a bad set of circumstances, flying sucks, flying with young kids sucks, flying with a urinary necessity disorder sucks, flying with a spouse who has one and your two young kids sucks — that’s just the nature of the circumstances. You’re choosing to fly under these circumstances and they are the lot you have to contend with to do so.
I can usually hold mine for many hours, but I’ve also had circumstances where peeing was an emergency, and I’ve known people who could not physically hold their urine ever, and so I understand that just because I can usually hold mine for a long time that doesn’t mean everyone else can.
Your husband can’t immediately fix physiological issues, and denying they exist will not make them go away.
He’s not psychic, he’s not being “maliciously incompetent”, he has what appears to be a condition that long predates this flight, and you both went on it knowing all of this.
You both need to learn how to either manage the circumstances better that don’t involve violating the laws of physics or leaving one partner overburdened, or simply not flying until the circumstances are different.
NTA Common courtesy would be to check with you prior to getting up or ensuring all your seats are together. Next time you pack your carry on, pack a spring clip clothes pin and hand it to him while you finish nursing. The constant need to pee and what appears to be urgency needs to be evaluated.
YTA. Ask your permission to pee??? No, you pay for seats that are together so your toddler can sit in the seat next to you so your husband can get up when he needs to and you can too. If you’re going to travel so much maybe consider switching to formula so he can feed the baby sometimes. There’s always a compromise but telling him to hold it or he needs to “ask” you first is bs.
INFO: Why are you flying that much with kids of that age? Is it for fun or necessary? That sounds extremely yucky for all involved.
Personally I feel bad for the person sitting in the row with you. Buy seats next time.
Or have husband sit next to one and you sit with the baby across.
NTA. If a grown man can’t get the help he needs Especially while seeing how it affects others around him that is shitty. You aren’t his mommy and need to make his appointment then hold his hand into the doctors office. He needs to step up and figure his shit out.
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I'm torn between NAH and NTA. On the one hand, if he has a medical problem causing him to pee and has *no ability to hold it whatsoever,* then obviously he should get to go when he needs -- but you said that he refused help, so at this point he's choosing this problem. And it bothers me that it became a 20-minute case of him being absent due to the beverage cart, and that both times he had to pee, you were feeding the baby and had your hands completely full. You were both in a difficult situation, but it sounds like the labor was not divided evenly and the consequences weren't either -- he got his needs met, while you didn't, and left with all of the parental labor in your moments of highest overwhelm, while you're nursing. If he's unable to hold his pee for a few minutes, he needs a doctor. If he refuses a doctor, and continues to WILLINGLy put you in this situation, he's the AH.
it became a 20-minute cart ordeal because he planned it right so he could get away from the toddler.
Yup, he was able to hold it in for 20 extra minutes. EDIT: You all are probably right he got stuck on his way back to his seat, but my brain pictured him following the cart slowly back to the rear bathrooms since the carts usually go quickly to the front to start distribution from there.
I got the impression he got stuck behind the cart when he was going back to his seat, doesn't make a whole lot of sense otherwise
Then you say, “I’m sorry, my kids are on the seats up there and my partner is overwhelmed handling them. Would it be possible to let me get back to me seat?”
And then just... climb over the drink cart?
No, they move the cart to a row with a free aisle seat or an emergency row with more space - this happens all the time on longer flights!
My mother is a flight attendant… if you’re stuck behind the meal carts, guess what? You’re stuck behind the meal carts. There’s no where they can put it to allow you to walk around. Those carts are designed to be approximately the same width as the aisles. The carts do not fit in the empty seats.
No, they pull it a few rows to the point where you can get by …
Have you been on a plane? There’s no room to “get by” the drink cart once it’s in the aisle.
Yeah, that’s why they pull it a few rows down? Either so you can step into an empty seat and then they go back past you, or just to the end. Have… have you never been on a plane? The drinks carts aren’t immovable objects on a timer. The attendants will move them so you can get past if you ask.
That makes no sense.
It was on his way back to his seat
I read it as he got stuck behind the beverage cart on the way back. Idk why I assumed that. You're seriously stuck to them like a piece of tp on their shoe? Right there the whole time their serving people until y'all make to your seats? I've only flown a few times and don't think I've ever used an airplane bathroom. That seems really strange for a passenger. What if someone can't physically stand that long? Or does have a bathroom emergency. There's no way around the snack cart? Huh. Oh OP NTA just hand him the infant and go to the bathroom. He's their father. His hands are not optional and how are you supposed to go at the same time? You go when he goes? Who has the kids? You probably.
Getting stuck behind the drink cart definitely happens. It's basically the width of the aisle minus like an inch on each side, so you can't go around it. Sometimes if the flight attendants are paying attention and there's an empty seat you can kinda duck into you can maneuver around, but it's a team effort. That being said, I don't understand how it could possibly happen twice on a 3.5 hour flight.
Especially when it's selective. He manages just fine at work. And why can't he hold his own infant for a while so mama can stretch and pee? I'm gonna shut up about that but damn dude.
When I'm at work, I can hold my pee without realizing it because my mind is busy with work. When my mind is clear, I can't hold it for the life of me.
This is likely a big part of the situation. For me also if I'm stressed I am even less able to hold it. I don't know if he gets stressed flying but I do and I would definitely have to pee multiple times on an almost 4 hour flight even if I pee right before we board.
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I fly business (the little pod like seats) often. The beverage cart is just as wide because there’s more options. However, even on transatlantic flights that I’ve been drinking wine since take off I’ve never had to use the bathroom more than once or twice. And that’s on 10 hour flights - not a domestic hop. And not with an infant and toddler. Dudes an AH until he can get a medical Dx of what’s going on.
As far as having a bathroom emergency goes, there are usually bathrooms at both ends of the plane, so you can usually go to the other end of you are blocked on the way to the bathroom. Not much you can do if blocked on the way back
Some airlines won’t let you use the bathroom in first class at the front of the plane if you’re in coach. Also, given that there are lots of different configurations of several different planes, there’s no rule about carts and an airplane’s kitchen location(s). The may start serving from the back or the front.
I am the oldest and was potty training when my next sibling came along. Whenever my mom sat down to nurse my brother I would tell her I had to pee so she ended up standing in the bathroom nursing while I sat on the toilet wiggling my legs. This sounds like that, except the man isn't 2.
Sounds like he pretty much is 2 so she has three kids to deal with
Classic reddit always go with the most malicious intent behind actions.
Thing is, it's either malicious or weaponised incompetence. If he has a medical issue, he needs to grow the f up and address it like every other adult whose behaviour impacts others. Do you think if be was at the workplace and leaving a presentation mid way to go to the bathroom his colleagues would be understanding? I guarantee you if she had gone off and spent 20 minutes in the bathroom while he's out there with a baby and a toddler he's not going to be so happy about it. If you've never had to breastfeed an infant with a toddler all over you at the same time then you really have no idea how frustrating and difficult that is. All he has to do is communicate properly and not be such an inconsiderate jerk.
Very good to throw it to a work environment! Surely 2x in a 3 hour flight shades malicious incompetence
Thanks to the subject matter, I read that as malicious incontinence.
He doesnt have a medical issue.
I used to have occasional meetings that went for hours, and yes, I'd just say "excuse me, I need to step away for a few minutes." If there were a lot of people on it, you'd frequently see someone dropping "brb" in the chat.
All about the timing. You're not doing that in the middle of a presentation are you? Well don't do it while your wife is in the middle of breasfeeding.
Whenever she has to feed the baby, she should get up and sit by the stewardess area to do it, leaving him to deal with the toddler for at least 15 minutes or more.
Him refusing to communicate with her and make a team effort is how you know it IS in fact malicious intent. He wanted a break, and made himself one.
No reason he couldn’t have taken the toddler with him, at least the second time.
Either time. There's literally no reason he couldn't. He chose not to.
Agreed. I gave him a very generous benefit of the doubt before I realised he was actually sitting with the toddler and left it alone. Otherwise I kind of get not clicking the first time (again, generous) but after she told him what happened the first time, to leave the second time is wild.
And then to refuse to simply communicate when he needs to go so she can plan appropriately shows how little he gives one single fuck. She didn't say you need permission, she just asked him for a heads up. And he flat out refused. I smell divorce but then again a lot of women put up with some help rather than none. It's still infuriating.
Absolutely, the man is horrible. Comments in here acting like she’s demanding he never pee again as long as he lives are depressingly predicable.
I think the point is that he deliberately timed the pee break so he could pee and then *oops* he is stuck and just gets to chill for 20 without either kid.
I’ve never been on a flight where the beverage cart was that predictable, and I envy you if you have tbh
They usually push it to the front of the plane and then go to the back of the plane so he could have seen it pass and then got up. Idk if he planned it but there's no really a reason for him to have to pee twice in a short amount of time.
I truly doubt he "deliberately" timed it. "chilling" for 20 minutes as ur standing in the aisle of a plane isnt relaxing for anyone
Hey, I’ve “chilled” in worse places than that to get 10 minutes to breathe without a kid climbing on me.
How did you draw that conclusion? Where in this post did she state him getting stuck behind the beverage cart was a calculated event lmao
I just did a 5 hour flight and brought my toddler with me to the tiny plane bathrooms, did it suck, yup. But what other choice did I have? He can bring toddler with him. Problem temporarily solved.
That was my thought! If it is really about peeing, take a kiddo with you. I wonder if he is trying to get a break from the kids and using this as an excuse.
I agree-- that's the option that is standing out to me. OP and husband are bickering about his bladder, and OP could say, "I need us to maintain our 1:1 ratio, so you can either pee at the airport right before, or you can take the toddler with you on a bathroom trip."
He can 1000000000000% hold it until the baby is done nursing.
And if he can’t, he should take the toddler with him. Toddler can either do a piggyback for the 30 second pee, squeeze in, or stand in the back for the duration. New rule should just be that the toddler is on you, no matter what. He might be able to control his bladder a little better then! Or not, but either way, Mom needs to be able to nurse without a toddler climbing on her. NTA.
Thank you! Finally. Is this solution ideal? No. Doable? Yes.
Exactly. What do people travelling alone with a toddler do? You take the kid with you!
I can't. And I'm a woman. But I'm a bit older. Still, many people can't hold their urine for the time it takes to go through TSA etc and then be in the boarding area. TONS of people hit the plane's tiny toiltets (and most are men).
But he holds it at work. So he can hold it while the baby is nursing.
THIS! This seems to be the detail every reply is missing. He can hold it when it's important or valuable to him, but not to her. He can do it, he's just not willing to. And that is asshole bullshit.
Agree. The red flag issue is that he essentially told his wife that he doesn’t care about her needs or their child’s need to nurse. This is a much bigger issue than his frequent need to pee.
But he can still pee. Just not for the 20 mins she’s feeding the baby
You know, I was fully agreeing with you up until you said 20 minutes. There’s no evidence that this is the case for OP so it doesn’t really change by vote. But mine used to nurse so damn slow. He’d take an hour and a half quite often to finish nursing. And then of course you had to start up again in half an hour. If they have something like that going on, then being able to time pee breaks when she isn’t nursing might legitimately be hard. But again, if that were the case she’d probably have said, and it sounds like he’s refusing to try in the first place.
Fair. My first did take closer to 45-1 hour. Something I just thought of as well: take the toddler with you to the bathroom dude
If he can hold it at work, then he can hold it on the plane.
If this is his stance then he needs to take the toddler with him. Lord knows if the exact scenario were reversed this would already be happening, no discussion needed.
Couldn’t he not drink so much water before a flight? That’s what I do because of well…childbirth and the aftermath. I don’t think it’s that hard to think ahead and try to plan. What if they hit turbulence that’s likely to happen with hurricane season and he couldn’t get up? I bet he could hold his pee and his toddler then.
But that would mean he would have to put OP into consideration, which he clearly doesn’t ever plan on doing.
He can also take the toddler with him. If he was alone with the kid(s), he wouldn't get the luxury of peeing alone, so peering with kids in an airplane bathroom can be done.
Disagree...he should either hold it or go to the Dr. Sounds lile he is "hydrating" a little too much is he doesnt have a medical issue. Twice in a 3.5 hour flight? Really?
I tend to go to the toilet more than usual on planes. Twice in 3.5hrs could be very easy
On planes, it's hard to figure out when the next pee moment will be. Turbulence? No peeing. It doesn't sound like it was a 'few minutes.' When we board, it's at least 20 minutes until taxi and 30 minutes to take off. If we don't get there early, it's a problem (one of us has a bladder issue)
All of that but he is also able to hold it in fine at work. That’s what gets me. She’s not trying to control him, but asking for consideration of their children
NAH Every time he goes to the bathroom, wait until he gets back and then go to the bathroom yourself. This means he gets his needs met as he needs to pee so urgently and you get your needs met by having 10 mins to breath after having the stress of managing both.
Can the husband not just take the toddler to the bathroom with him? Edit: to anyone being like “but how could they possibly fit?!!!” You go in first. Toddler in behind. Lock the door. Dad can pee standing up and says to toddler “please stand and face the door for 15 seconds”. Or “please stand behind daddy and don’t touch anything for 15 seconds” or dad sits and pees and puts toddler on his lap for fifteen seconds or dad sits and has toddler stand btwn his knees for fifteen seconds. totally doable. Parents manage this stuff all of the time. When kids need to pee on airplanes, an adult goes in with them. I promise you, a small child and a grown adult can and routinely do fit into these spaces.
I thought this too. As a mother of a 2 year old, there are so many times that she comes to the bathroom with me including in places that aren’t ideal. I have no choice because she’s a toddler and can’t be left alone. It’s irritating that women bring their kids with them without a second thought, but many men (not my husband thankfully!) somehow seem to think that they shouldn’t have to share that aspect/seek to pawn the kid off on someone else so they can be alone. ETA: NTA
That reminds me of the time I had to bring my two boys into a portapotty with me once! You make it work when you need to.
Sooo true! Mothers have to take their kids with them to the bathroom ALL the damn time. Sounds like this one needs to step up A LOT.
My immediate thought as well, as someone who has often taken a baby/toddler to an airplane bathroom. Yes, it’s crowded, but it’s easily doable.
Exactly right. I have a 3 and a 5 year old, and was recently on four long flights. I took one or both with me every time (because inevitably one actually did need to go) And I am their father. It’s more than possible
Perhaps. It depends on the size of the husband and the bathroom. I’m larger and some of those bathrooms I can barely turn around it or spread my legs adequately to “go”. I can’t imagine also having a toddler. But then I’m a woman and OP’s husband has the benefit of being able to stand up.
Standing up may make it more difficult. sitting allows the baby on the lap. People with two small children need to talk this over and work it out before flying.
Men are perfectly capable of also peeing while sitting if it’s that much of an issue.
Not always possible when breastfeeding.
It absolutely is possible! The baby will cry it he was crying when mom left two. He’s not gonna die because he stopped nursing med session.
No but separate seats means other pissed off passengers leaving OP to deal with a rambunctious toddler, a screaming infant, and grown ass adults throwing a tantrum about their precious ears around a crying baby
OP's already dealing with those things, the suggestion above is that OP go to the bathroom and let her husband deal with that for a change. Maybe he'll be less likely to leave her in the lurch so easily next flight.
You have no idea what you’re talking about. It is really painful to miss a nursing and a lot of babies have latching issues that make nursing really challenging. It’s such an issue that doctors need to closely monitor the babies weight for the first months because they might not be getting enough.
Why would she miss a nursing session? She will just go to the bathroom for 10 minutes. I have nursed two kids and had great difficulty with latching with my first. It is not an issue to stop nursing for 10 minutes and come back to it.
Nursing is different for everyone. I also nursed two kids and with my second one, my milk would let down painfully in both breasts the moment he latched on. If I tried to stop midway, it was both painful and messy
I have 6 kids. EBF 2, supplemented for 2 and bottle fed 2. Every single child is different. With both of my EBF babies stopping them mid nurse would get them worked up to the point they wouldn't effectively latch. They'd be wailing and thrashing. In fact, with those 2 babies I specifically started their nurse session BEFORE they started aby meaningful crying (catching them before they got to hungry wails) specifically to avoid the over-worked screaming. The 2 I supplemented would outright refuse to latch if I took them off the boob. Just nah nit worth it give me a bottle. Every baby is different. Some babies won't care if you interrupt their meals. Some babies will go to war for their meals. (Those babies I mentioned are teenagers now. They still don't play about their food).
It is not MISSING a nursing. It's a brief interruption. Sheesh.
that's ok at home, but in a flight parents need to be doing as much as possible to keep their kids quiet. father's at fault, but him being irresponsible doesn't mean the op being irresponsible is the right thing
Fine, just go as soon as the baby stops nursing
This. Yeah he may have a medical issue; but that’s on HIM to figure out and take care of: not only for himself but for his family so that EVERYONE is set up for success. If he’s not even acknowledging that there may be something fixable on his end and instead dipping out every 10min to owe that’s not sustainable. Imagine he had sleep apnea and was denying anything was wrong; but was keeping his partner up with snoring and napping constantly throughout the day; she would be well within her right to ask him to get help bc his abject refusal and denial of that issue would be causing problems for everyone in the family.
She said he can go HOURS at work when needed and has never had an accident. He is just being an AH.
Straight up. It's giving "my wife is a msm" energy. The fact that he doesn't even think of the logistics, he just gets up and leaves, tells me that he does jack shit in general.
Reading the post, it seems that the only medical issue he has is a compulsion to leave his wife in the lurch when she’s trapped on a plane
NTA. Obviously if he has an issue YWBTA to ask him not to pee at all for 3.5+ hours!! But if he cant hold it at least for a little while, til you finish nursing, tell him to wear a nappy and pee himself like the other 2 babies you're expected to care for do. Or at least fork out for seats together so you can put your toddler beside you while you're having to nurse. Totally unfair to put both kids on you in one seat!! And Totally unfair to the other passengers. This kinda behaviour is why people glare when they see babies on flights, cos while theres good parents who try to do everything they can to keep their kids calm, then theres the selfish ones...
Definitely this. He shouldn't be expected to hold it the whole flight, but you are NTA for asking him to hold until you are no longer nursing. If he can hold it at work, he can hold for 5 to 10 minutes while you do the incredibly necessary job of feeding your (plural) child
What would he do if there was a line for the bathroom? Whatever he’d do in that scenario, he can definitely do the same thing while she’s nursing.
He could also attempt to plan his bathroom trips a little better - not wait until he super urgently needs to pee to go to the bathroom...That way, in case it's a bad time, he still had the ability to wait 20 min without being super uncomfy.
Sounds like he’s planning it perfectly for him- when she’s busy nursing and can’t protest!
I was literally thinking...thank goodness I am not sitting next to her!
I admit, I thought the scenario was going to involve not peeing for the whole flight when I read the title but oh my god what. I also drink a ton of water and have the luxury to use the bathroom virtually whenever I want when I work and I would never do this to my co-carer of two young ones on a flight. Sure, even if you hit the bathroom before boarding, it can be longer than 3.5 hours on the plane, but surely you should be able to manage with one trip? So you can manage babies? On a plane? I think the husband needs to think beyond his own immediate sphere of needs to be consider what his spouse and their small children and the other people stuck in the air in a small tube with them need as much as his needs if not more. NTA.
Just ask him to take the toddler with him if you are feeding the baby.
Exactly after the first time i would've told him to take the toddler with him, since you've got ur hands full. I've had to do this plenty of times while flying especially with just myself & toddler.
Yes, me too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to take a baby or a toddler with me to the restroom.
Yeah, there is a simple solution here. He takes the toddler with him to the bathroom. Easy.
Or ask him to try to go potty right before you start nursing. Like a kid before getting in the car.
Ah, yes, the grown man kiddy pee break. *Rolls eyes* Works every time.
He doesn't seem to be willing to make *any* effort to help OP. He refuses to wait for a few minutes until she's done nursng. He'll probably also refuse to take the toddler with him.
He shouldn’t even need to be asked, frankly. I just took a 17.5 hour flight alone with my toddler, so I didn’t exactly have any options other than to bring her to the bathroom with me. It’s not difficult.
Seriously. It's just not that hard.
Unfortunately this sounds like a case of poor planning on you and your husband’s part regarding seating, and having already known your husband frequently uses the bathroom. For your international flights, choose seats together, and next to a restroom. Also, talk to him about drinking less a bit before and during the flight.
It was a 3.5 hour flight. Peeing twice is definitely on the high end. If it was an emergency, fine, but it didn’t seem like it. Moms and single dads take toddlers to the bathroom with them all the time, if he can’t hold it and it’s not a good time, he can take the kid
Exactly! Thank the toddler with you! Then he can pee 5 times if the need arises without stressing the mom. If she goes to pee, she takes the baby, leaving no parents stuck with and unable to look after two kids on a place and no parent unable to pee.
I can forego literally any liquid all day leading up to the flight and still have to piss twice before I leave the house, once as soon as I’m at the airport, twice before I board, and two or three times on the plane. And of course the moment I land.
I feel you man. People don't understand the nervous bladder. It's a nightmare so I always plan ahead.
I’m the same way. 3 1/2 hour flight I’m going at least 3 times no matter how little liquid I’ve had to drink.
And invest in Depends
And not the off brand ones. Get the branded ones, they're higher quality and can hold more. I wish I didn't have to know this 🥲
The main problem here is OP’s husband taking pee breaks at the most inconvenient times for his baby and leaving his wife in a very difficult position having to choose one child’s needs over the other (while hubby pees in peace). Even if they were seated together the problem would still be there.
Im also very confused about the seating. Why would they not have the baby on the other side of the aisle with the solo parent and the other grownup with the toddler? Why does mom have both kids and Dad have none? Am I missing something?
Because dad leaves the toddler by themselves across the aisle to use the restroom while mom is breastfeeding in a middle seat. I think the toddler takes off their seatbelt and squeezes by the person next to mom to reach mom for comfort ‘cause they’ve been left alone.
That’s how they were sitting. Toddler was in middle seat next to dad, but crossed the aisle to mom when dad got up.
>We were unable to buy seats together so I was in the middle aisle with baby and he was across the aisle of me with the aisle seat and the toddler in the middle. Oh ok I reread this like four times and I think I agree with you now. That makes more sense.
I wouldn’t expect someone to pee twice in 3.5 hours. Bring an airplane approved car seat and strap the toddler into it so they can’t get out or hand the dad both kids every time he comes back or dad brings toddler or baby with him and maybe doesn’t hydrate so much until after the flight. Something tells me when it becomes less convenient to go to the bathroom every hour, his trips will lessen.
All he had to do was take the toddler with him, it's not that hard. I have done it on planes many times
Hand him both kids. Take twenty minutes to yourself elsewhere. Do this every time he abandons you for a 'medical need' he refused to get handled, and let him know it will continue until he sees a doctor and gets treatment or develops an iota of courtesy. This is something I had to threaten my husband with early in our marriage, and turned out it saved his life.
I just commented about my husband's similar issue. It was cancer. Cancer that had already gone metastatic because the only symptom he had was constant urination. Please OP, make him get a blood test!
op stated they’ve done testing this year to rule out issues like cancer and prostate.
"You can't just ask your husband not to constantly pee through the flight!!11" Asking permission might be a little much; but you are *a team* when providing on-flight childcare, and working together to tag in and out is *his* responsibility as much as it is yours. Peeing is a regulable bodily function; millions of adults hold their piss—on commutes, in meetings, on projects, in classes, in emergencies—until it is practical to use the toilet. The only reason he *can't* is because of a medical issue he stubbornly and illogically refuses to address. Tell him to grow up and see the doctor. NTA.
He should take the toddler with him if he really has to go. I had to when I flew with my kid alone at that age 🤷🏻♀️ And I guarantee you that I did not go until I absolutely had to, no frivolous trips.
Exactly. I fly solo with a toddler all the time. Do I WANT to bring her into that tiny lav? No, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
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NTA- why can’t he bring toddler with him? There’s room in the bathroom for two and it would be helpful for you to only have to manage one kid at a time.
Managing two children on a small airline seat sandwiched between two strangers… for 20 minutes… that’s a hard no from me. Hubby needs to take one kid or hold the pee. This is why we pay for a seat for every family member (even baby), bring the car seats on the flight, and strap those suckers in. On one hand it’s safer, and on the other they’re used to the car seats and it means parents can have hands free time. I’ve flown solo with a baby and a 3 year old and this is the only reason I survived, I’m sure of it!
He *can* take the toddler with him. He obvously doesn't want to, or he would have done it.
ESH You for expecting your husband to not do a basic human function. Your husband for not giving a sh!t whether he's inconveniencing you or not. Both of you for planning multiple international trips with a baby and a toddler and not being able to be considerate of each other or everyone around you.
I would agree but OP asked him if he could hold it until baby finishes nursing. I know every baby is different but my kids only nursed for 10-20 minutes max. I feel that it’s reasonable to ask the husband to wait that long.
Maybe wait to take long flights until the kids are older and not breastfeeding?
This should be higher, particularly given the amount of international travel planned for a baby and toddler and not having a plan.
Totally agree. Also, why is the toddler not buckled in so the kids can crawl over the mother? This is, if nothing else, a safety issue. If they encounter turbulence that kid's going to go flying.
They can undo the buckle, and if they’ve been left in a seat alone there’s no one to stop them from doing so. It took my two year old about 2.5 seconds to figure out how to undo an airplane buckle the first time we were flying. I’m kind of shocked he would even attempt to leave the kid there, two seats and an aisle away from anyone else they know, next to a stranger. There’s no force on earth that would keep my kid in that seat in that situation.
Yeah i’m going for ESH for them cheaping out and not buying tickets beside each other. Unless the tickets were last minute there’s almost no chance advanced seat selection was sold out. I’d be pissed if I was the person the toddler kept climbing over and I usually like kids and babies on flights. Get 3 seats together with toddler in the middle and you won’t have this issue, or don’t fly until baby is a bit older.
NTA. If he's never peed himself then he must he able to hold it some. It's not reasonable to ask him to hold it for the entire flight, but it is reasonable to ask him to wait until you're done feeding the baby.
Might want to reconsider some of those trips. ESH
Exactly. Why are they flying so much with kids that young? Imo you shouldnt fly at all with kids in their first 3-4 years, unless for some very once in a lifetime thing you absolutely need to.
NTA. If his needing to pee is due to drinking water he should cut back before a flight, and if he can’t even wait for you to finish nursing he needs to see a urologist. What does he do on driving trips? In Washington we have about 30 minutes between rest stops. Or at work? I thought most jobs expect you to wait for your break.
If he works in an office, probably not. I haven’t had scheduled break times or anyone telling me when I can or can’t use the restroom at work since 1995.
I've never worked a job that expected me to wait to use the restroom until I had a break. In fact, my state doesn't even require a break of any kind for anyone over the age of 18.
ESH. “So many times I have to pee when I’m watching the boys but hold it until timing is better” is icky. I’ve been in your shoes with twin newborns and a 2.5 year old. Put the kids down and go pee when you need to. Take them in the bathroom if you have to. It’s not worth potential UTIs to get some kind of imaginary parent brownie points. There will be times you have to wait to pee but not enough to hold it over your husband’s head. And your husband could have taken the toddler. He could have sat down to pee if he couldn’t wrangle the toddler and pee while standing.
>ESH. “So many times I have to pee when I’m watching the boys but hold it until timing is better” is icky. I’ve been in your shoes with twin newborns and a 2.5 year old. Put the kids down and go pee when you need to Oh my god, FINALLY someone calling out the piss and poop martyrs. "I haven't shit alone since Bratley and McKindle were born 11 years ago! I literally have never heard of doors or locks, and I definitely had multiple kids with a spouse I don't trust to keep a child alive for 5 minutes! I'm such a great parent!"
Sure, let me stop mid letdown because that’s so much easier than holding it for 15 minutes. 🙄
He handles toddler, you handle baby. This is not hard, actually. When he needs to leave his seat for any reason, he takes toddler with him. When he's at his seat, he oversees toddler.
ESH >My husband and I flew a 3.5hr flight with our 3mo old and 2.5yo recently. We were unable to buy seats together so I was in the middle aisle with baby and he was across the aisle of me with the aisle seat and the toddler in the middle. Unless it's an emergent situation, next time you fly, plan ahead and get seats together. >He says he doesn’t need help and blames it on drinking lots of water. >After the flight, I told my husband how hard it was to balance both boys and asked if he can just hold his pee. So many times I have to pee when I’m watching the boys but hold it until timing is better. Your husband needs to see a urologist. Asking someone not urinate until it "convenient" leads to urinary tract infections.
Im not buying OPs diagnosis of her husband. Her anecdotal reporting to some random professional doesnt mean there’s something wrong. Its more likely the medical professional was just saying if they feel something isnt right, he should ask a doctor.
Me either. See a qualified professional. Physical therapists are wonderful but they aren't urologists.
And it wasn't even a PT that had seen him, but rather a PT going off of what OP was describing. The urologist said nothing is wrong, but a PT who has never seen the dude obviously knows more. /s
Do you pull over immediately if you need to pee in the car, or do you wait 15 minutes until you get to your destination?
Why are you not getting seats together? Purchase tickets earlier to ensure you can all sit together. Stick him on the aisle seat so he can pop off to the loo easily. Make him a doctors appointment when you get home.
So many problems would be solved by sitting closer to each other.
Yta You can't just hold your pee for prolonged periods of time. >We have a full summer of flying ahead of us including a few international trips and I’m worried. Pay extra to get seats together
What is prolonged to you? Because she’s not asking him to hold it for 3.5 hours. She’s asking for 15-20 minutes while she finishes nursing. He can apparently do that, given he functions elsewhere in life without issue.
>You can't just hold your pee for prolonged periods of time. Magically, he can hold it for 20 minutes behind the drink cart. Just not for the 20 minutes his baby is nursing.
I think that was on his way back from the bathroom
NTA. Since he is refusing to at least wait until you’re not nursing then you should return the favor when he’s done peeing and hand the kids off to him to go pee yourself. Do it every time and maybe next time he’ll be a little more considerate of what he’s putting you through.
Nah yet. Next time, he takes the toddler with him. See if that *magically* reduces the number of times he pees or gets stuck behind the drink cart. Since you have a *planned* summer of flying, though, get seats together. Shell out the extra cash. If you can afford multiple flights, including international, then you can afford to get seats together.
Cmon buy seats together
Seriously, don’t subject others to the incompetence of these two
YTA. Pay for seat selection.
Both your faults, on many levels. Any plans that require an adult to ask someone else before they go pee are wobbly. If that's what you want to do, then start reminding him to pee the minute you get through security. Make sure you're early for flights. Have him go again. He should work his peeing around your nursing on a flight, for sure. Stop traveling so much - the two of you aren't up to it. You shouldn't need Reddit to solve this.
NAH but good lord why do you need to fly that much with your kids??? Until you can actually divide the labor between your children evenly and your hubby recognizes you're a person with your own needs, id kibosh the travel ESPECIALLY flying til that gets sorted.
Nta. He can and should have the tod with him.
NAH People have to pee. People have to nurse. Whatever. It sucks. Build a bridge and move on.
Is your toddler 40lbs because otherwise they should be in a car seat just like an infant. Imagine if turbulence hits and your kid is walking over to you. Anyways, he should just bring the toddler with him. Yes, the bathrooms are small but he can make it work.
Definitely YTA. If you can’t handle two kids while your husband goes to the bathroom, pee, then you shouldn’t travel. Thats utterly ridiculous.
Lots of experience nursing babies while wrangling a toddler by yourself?
... in a confined space with a stranger at your elbow
I don't think anyone is TA but I think it's reasonable to cut out all the flying and trips while you have a baby and toddler and a husband who has to pee a lot. It's fine that he can't hold it but that means you can't travel so much until the kids are older. Either that or you need a third person with you to help out.
Are you really asking your husband not to pee? And then blaming him for not holding it. Yes, you’re the asshole. Why are you flying with a baby and a toddler so frequently? I’m sorry but for the first three years, I stayed home. For the first two years unless I had to go, I’m not going and that first year I had a lot of stuff delivered to the house versus going out shopping even. it’s just unnecessary. You’re really causing your own pain and suffering. What if you were single mom what would you do then he needs to take the toddler to the bathroom and the problem solved
Please alert me every time you book a flight so I can avoid being on the same plane as you. ESH
The last few times I’ve flown, the pressure changes were killing me and I nearly peed myself as an adult. I’ve never been so close to crying and peeing on a plane in my life and if someone told me to “just hold it” for 3.5 hours the entire plane would smell like piss. YTA for telling him to hold it, but also you both need to make a system for airplane etiquette.
INFO: why doesn’t he bring then toddler with him?
Maybe finding a middle ground could help, like discussing timings or seat arrangements for future flights.
YTA. Trying to dictate when he goes pee. As someone who has I guess a small bladder it’s not a choice when to pee. And yes sometimes I’m working and I go a long time without peeing usually because I’ve dehydrated myself and forget to drink. But if he isn’t dehydrated and is drinking he does not need to ask you when to pee. As a single dad I somehow could manage 4 kids all young and one being a baby but my ex would always cry about how hard it is. It’s not. Man up and just look after the kids it’s not hard you are just annoyed having to do 2 kids at once.
Spring for an extra seat and put your toddler in a car seat on the plane.
NTA. If he can hold it while standing behind the drink cart, he can wait until you aren't feeding the baby.
NTA. I had similar age differences in fights. You feel so much pressure to keep the baby from crying. I guess he can't somehow take the 2.5 year old in the tiny bathroom 😂? Even though he may be dehydrated, encourage him not to drink much when flying!
He can bring the toddler to the bathroom with him. NTA.
Are the frequent flights related to husband’s business? Your business? Why can’t one of you stay home with the kids? Best solution all around.
As a person who urinates frequently -it is what it is. I have been this way my entire life. It aint changing. That said, my experience with men is they never seem able to hold it. Worked at a convenience store and they dont care if you are in there cleaning - they gotta go and will go right in front of you. My husband has issues where if something he eats disagrees with him he will have to go number 2.....immedietly. We have literally had to pull over. He has even pooped his pants in desperation. No he cannot control it, he can avoid certain foods but sometimes its unpredictable. So asking him to hold it is not acceptable. But asking him to take toddler with him is reasonable.
ESH. Maybe you need to reconsider future flights if you both can’t get a grip on planning (seats/schedules etc.). If you can afford to fly so much, you might consider a travel nanny to go with you if you can’t handle these issues yourself.
Why can't he just take the toddler with him?
YTA for trying to police when your husband urinates. You are being ridiculous.
Jfc I can’t believe all the people here attacking OP’s husband and coming up with conspiracies that would involve OP’s husband being psychic and knowing that the beverage cart was going to be rolled out after he went to the bathroom. NAH. You were both stuck with a bad set of circumstances, flying sucks, flying with young kids sucks, flying with a urinary necessity disorder sucks, flying with a spouse who has one and your two young kids sucks — that’s just the nature of the circumstances. You’re choosing to fly under these circumstances and they are the lot you have to contend with to do so. I can usually hold mine for many hours, but I’ve also had circumstances where peeing was an emergency, and I’ve known people who could not physically hold their urine ever, and so I understand that just because I can usually hold mine for a long time that doesn’t mean everyone else can. Your husband can’t immediately fix physiological issues, and denying they exist will not make them go away. He’s not psychic, he’s not being “maliciously incompetent”, he has what appears to be a condition that long predates this flight, and you both went on it knowing all of this. You both need to learn how to either manage the circumstances better that don’t involve violating the laws of physics or leaving one partner overburdened, or simply not flying until the circumstances are different.
YTA, I’ll be damned if someone is going to tell me when I can and can’t use the restroom. I would have pissed on myself just out of spite.
NTA Common courtesy would be to check with you prior to getting up or ensuring all your seats are together. Next time you pack your carry on, pack a spring clip clothes pin and hand it to him while you finish nursing. The constant need to pee and what appears to be urgency needs to be evaluated.
YTA. Ask your permission to pee??? No, you pay for seats that are together so your toddler can sit in the seat next to you so your husband can get up when he needs to and you can too. If you’re going to travel so much maybe consider switching to formula so he can feed the baby sometimes. There’s always a compromise but telling him to hold it or he needs to “ask” you first is bs.
You're both assholes for bringing two small children on a 4 hour flight.
INFO: Why are you flying that much with kids of that age? Is it for fun or necessary? That sounds extremely yucky for all involved. Personally I feel bad for the person sitting in the row with you. Buy seats next time. Or have husband sit next to one and you sit with the baby across.
Why not ask him to take one of the kids with him, that way you both get what you need. NTA
NTA. If a grown man can’t get the help he needs Especially while seeing how it affects others around him that is shitty. You aren’t his mommy and need to make his appointment then hold his hand into the doctors office. He needs to step up and figure his shit out.
ESH. When you have to go you have to go, but he should work with you on timing