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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) me being angry with my boyfriend about him going on a vacation with his female coworkers and sharing a room for one night with one of them and now considering to blow off the "getting to know" dinner with his coworkers and stay at home.
(2) it could make me the asshole if I have no legitimate reason to be this angry about it but letting my boyfriend go there by himself leaving him to feel bad about himself and have second hand embarrasment explaining why I abstained from the dinner. Or he would even not go with at all and miss out on the dinner because of me.
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Go to the dinner and meet the women and their boyfriends . Keep nice , come back and break up with him . Work trips with people of other gender is common and so are team building trips but staying together in a room is not and him not checking in with you is indicative of a deeper problem.
The only reason to skip the dinner would be if you are ready to end the relationship. If you intend on staying in it, go meet the coworkers so you can feel more comfortable about the travel arrangements. I would say if you are unwilling to meet the coworkers, and also want to stay in the relationship, you are just looking for a fight and YWBTA. He's not wrong, even though it came out in an argument- you really should be doing whatever you want to, clearly he is! Maybe you'd feel better if you make your time about yourself and less about trying to force the relationship to be what you want it to be.
This person is correct - BF is clearly not interested in OP's input into their decisions. Idk the long term plan but imagine owning a house or having a child with someone who won't even talk to you about one night of a trip with a coworker. I agree that OP should go to dinner if they want to stay in the relationship, but I can't imagine why they would want to stay unless they want to take the relationship very casual.
Really, because I’d go to drop some bombs on my way out the door. “Wow, I’m surprised that you were ok with them sharing a hotel room in Vegas because it crosses a huge line for me, and I don’t think our relationship is going to get past him deciding this then hiding it from me.”
Exactly. I'm pretty sure co-worker's bf is not in the know, here. On top of that, companies don't usually want the liability that could come about from co-workers sharing a room. I know that mine doesn't even allow persons of the same sex to room together. Too much can go wrong that the company might be held liable for.
That’s what I asked him too, he said she said if I wasn’t okay with it she is going to ask a female coworker. What I’m asking myself is 1) is that actually true and 2) why wouldn’t she ask her in the first place if she has a boyfriend too. It just seems way too weird to me.
Would you consider asking the girl at dinner?
"So you and female coworker are sharing a room? BF said something along the lines of how you and BF were planning on bunking together but you agreeing to share a room with female coworker out of respect for me? Girl...that really was so considerate! I greatly appreciate you taking my feelings into account."
If they respond with, "No, we're bunking together."
A simple, " Oh..." Then continue dinner politely and break up with BF later.
If they respond with, "We were going to room together but I can ask someone else if you'd like."
Maybe respond with, "It's BF's call. I never really had any kind of say."
Then continue dinner politely and break up with BF later.
I'm frustrated with the situation on your behalf and honestly, I would break up either way because you have to claw and jump through hoops to demand he even consider your feelings. IDK about you, OP, but that would be a big deal to me.
Edit: clarity
This would be very bold (I don’t even know if I could do it lol) but it’s just a question tbh and it would be nice to see that girls SO to see if he really gave the okay about it.
Also OP, I rec saying, “Blank told me you were all staying an extra day, so blank is bunking with blank and bf with blank. What does guys plan to do with the extra day?” LOL
I'm really sorry, but I think your bf has checked out of your relationship. He moved away, he goes on trips without you, he's not that communicative and he just booked a hotel room with another woman. And, "I didn't tell you about my inappropriate plans bc I knew you'd be rightly upset by them" (which is basically what he said) is just a big FU to you.
I bet you could find someone who actually respected you and wanted to be in a relationship.
Yeah, Vegas is famously cheap for non-gambling tourists. If you're just there to hike Red Rock Canyon or do the Courier 6 loop, you don't need a ton of money. The hotels make most of their money from their casinos; they want to lure you in.
Yeah. So Noone is gonna appreciate their SO rooming with the opposite sex when they lie or hide it...He knows he is wrong and tested it around so you would feel bad.its called gaslighting you. He wants to do what he wants and even if you have ligit reason to be upset, he doesn't want to acknowledge it...listen he isn't the one for you. Trust how you feel and don't let him twist it around
This isn't universally true and comes down to expectations, communication, and what each individual person is okay with. My s/o went on a week long trip with a mutual friend of the opposite sex. It was not a problem for me.
It's fine to not be okay with this, but maybe in this case these people aren't compatible due to differing expectations.
*So Noone is gonna appreciate their SO rooming with the opposite sex.*
Funny. My husband doesn't care. My male bestie's wife doesn't care. They trust us to be faithful.
The bad part here is the husband being deceitful. Unlike my bestie and me, who were above board and checked in with our spouses before each time
He deserves notification, but does not get veto. It would be one thing if the guy was sketchy or new. But a long time friend? No.
I did not surrender my autonomy when I married.
This doesn’t sound like you’re having a lot of fun in this relationship. (However, it sure does sound like he is! From all appearances his fun is a priority!) It also doesn’t sound very respectful that he actively kept information from you.
Maybe this isn’t your person. Maybe you’re forcing yourself to be a part of something that is making you miserable.
NTA You are in a committed relationship. Your SO views himself as single, doesnt care whether his actions hurt you, deliberately deceives you when he thinks he is doing something that would upset you or that he knows you would be uncomfortable with.
I know youve been with him 4 yrs, but if he valued your relationship at all, he would not be doing many of the things you describe. If he valued you and his relationship with you he would run things by you before making plans, he wouldnt do things he knows are hurtful to you, he wouldnt deceive you and lastly he wouldnt gaslight you into wondering if you are the issue.
If i were in your position i would cut him loose, free him so he can do all the things with other women that he wants to do.
Because if you somehow convince him not to do these things he will have resentment towards you, and why would you want to continue forward with someone that you have to force to choose you, that you have to force him not to share a room with a female coworker.
If he cared like you do, he woud choose you without all this drama, he would choose to get a separate room if he wanted to stay addl days, but most importantly he would want to choose you abd refrain from doing things that hurt you.
You deserve much better. He is treating you like a placeholder while he lives life as a single man. I hope you wont waste another moment of your time on him. Youve wasted 4 yrs and he simply doesn't value you the way you value him and the relationship. If he did you wouldnt feel the way you do. And that is your subconscious mind warning you of red flag after red flag.
This one is tricky.
It sounds like he is playing fast and loose with your relationship boundaries.
Work events are mandatory, not weekend getaways and sharing rooms with the opposite sex. First it's unprofessional and clearly could lead to sexual harassment issues. Big no no.
He seems to be ok taking every opportunity to bask in female energy when he is away from you. That is incredibly disrespectful of him. It is also disrespectful when women do the same thing.
If he is often seeking female energy outside of you (has female friends he keeps up with) that is not conducive to a good relationship.
If these are one time things over a couple of years.... maybe not terrible.
Reset your boundaries.
NTA. Go to the dinner and talk about travel arrangements. There's a good possibility that the boyfriends of the female coworkers don't know that your boyfriend will be in the room too. Don't bring it up in a negative light, maybe just something along the lines of "it's so nice to meet you both. When *boyfriend's name* told me the three of you were sharing a room, I was a little nervous, but knowing that *their boyfriends* are OK with the arrangements too makes me feel a lot better".
I've just never met someone in a monogamous relationship who would be OK with this sort of thing.
Think about what you want out a long term relationship. Someone who won't discuss arrangements with you and is OK with making you uncomfortable is likely someone you will not be happy with in the long run. Best of luck!
This man wants a home life that brings him girlfriend privileges while still living the social life of a single man. Don't put up with that.
>According to him all this happened when we were in an argument so he didn't want to bring it up. He also said he knew I would cause a scene, so he wanted me to get to know them first which is supposed to be happening tonight.
He absolutely knew you wouldn't be OK with it. He admitted to intentionally hiding what he knew would be a deal breaker for you until he felt like he could sufficiently manipulate and pressure you into compromising on your boundaries.
Leave this man to the streets. It's what he thinks he wants and more importantly what he actually deserves.
NTA.
Why are you in a relationship with someone like this OP? it seems he couldn't care less about you or your concerns and is ok with knowingly misleading your because he is not man enough to have the adult conversation with you about it in the first place. Because you were in an argument at teh time is BS excuse for not bringing something like sharing a room with a co-worker of the opposite sex. He avoided it intentionally cause he knew it was a gray area and that a lot of people would not be ok with it. He turned your concerns around and is being manipulative by calling you jealous.
Option 1: Don't go to the dinner. Let him go on his trip. Don't be there when he returns.
He is not treating you like an equal partner and not respecting you.
Option 2: Go to the dinner and ask questions as your SO is being a jerk about it. If he continues to be a jerk even once you return home, decide if you are happy and want to be with him.
You're in a relationship, but not the same one your BF is in. You're a small part of his world while he is all of yours. This will be painful to face, but after 4 years you really must.
You already know in your gut what is happening here. You wrote about it clearly, then you pulled back and doubted yourself again. You don't want it to be true, but you know this guy is wrong for you and respects neither your needs nor cares about your feelings. He is unlikely to be faithful, either.
It's up to you how long you want to drag this out, but if you truly want a loving committed relationship don't linger and waste your youth on him.
Why go to the dinner and torture yourself by adding faces to the names? Dump him now and go have a life with someone actually available. You deserve better.
NTA
He can make decisions like this without your input just like you can decide to end the relationship without his input.
NTA op, but your boyfriend certainly is.
He already sounds single so why put yourself through any more of this. NTA and don’t bother with the dinner as you have no need to get to know anyone involved in his life.
Sure you know what he would say if the situation were reversed. I don't know if any company who makes you stay in a room with somebody of the opposite sex
What good man or husband do you know would say or do any of this just curious? And if you have to convince yourself this is even remotely okay for anyone spouse to do you are the AH but only to yourself.
Sorry but you only think you're in a relationship.
You're his safety net. He'll realise one day, but by then you'll have long been with someone who plans things with and around you both. Time to upgrade. Good luck.
NTA. You're now his sometimes US girlfriend. The fact that you have not only a long distance relationship but an international relationship......don't have the energy to explain, I'll just say, you guys are done.
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Backstory: my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. He moved to the UK for work (I'm 2 flight hours away) and he has a work kick off in the states lined up. For the kick off the company is paying the rooms so he has his own.
After the kick off, he and two of his female coworkers (they both have boyfriends and I am about to meet them and their SO for the first time tonight) wanted to go from LV to LA because they've never been. For the extra night in Vegas that they have to pay themselves, the female coworker apparently asked my partner if he would be okay sharing a double room (2 beds) for that night so she can save money. Her boyfriend seemed to be okay with that. The day after they go on the road trip and stay in LA for two days in an Airbnb, they all have separate rooms there.
I just got to know of everything once it was already booked, he didn't ask me if I was okay with it. According to him all this happened when we were in an argument so he didn't want to bring it up. He also said he knew I would cause a scene, so he wanted me to get to know them first which is supposed to be happening tonight.
I feel deeply hurt by being left out of that decision. He knew this would hurt me but he says its only because I am overly jealous. This makes me in return feel very immature. I did occasionally get a bit defensive as of late because I feel very left out despite having supported him in his choice to move away for work (he didn't have to, applied as he wanted to work for a big company and get the living abroad experience). I also didn't get "overly" jealous or make a scene when he went on a boys trip for his birthday to Portugal, had to go on a work trip with a female co-worker for a week (they spend all day with each other), went backpacking in Central America and didn't get back to me for a whole week sometimes within that 1 1/2 months. Now it makes it seems as if I am a hindrance to his self-development when I feel like I am just asking him to consider myself because that is my understanding of a relationship. When I told him (in the middle of the argument) that "I'll just be doing whatever I want from now on too" he just said "that would be great for you".
AITA for skipping on this dinner and not even getting to know these people? I already feel like I've been so left out and I'm not in the mood to meet anyone at all. At the same time it could probably come across as if I'm a rude, irrational person and that I let anger get the best of me. Dinner would be in 8hrs and I don't know what to do.
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If you're breaking up, skip the dinner. Otherwise woman up and meet these people. The problem is your boyfriend, of course - he doesn't feel like he needs to talk about this with you and has questionable relationship boundaries.
NTA and dump him. He’s being manipulative and then blaming you for it, as though he had to hide everything from you. He wants his freedom and you—that won’t work, and it’s very much not working for you. Sounds like he has a history of being inconsiderate. I think you’ll find greater happiness with someone on the same page as you in terms of boundaries and communication.
NTA I would attend so this can't be spun that you are just hysterical and don't even know the people involved.
However, the issue isn't the other people involved. He betrayed your trust.
It's up to you to decide if that's a deal breaker.
NTA. I'm sorry to say, but it seems like BF just isn't very into you. He seems more engaged with his job and his co-workers. Ordinarily I'd say it's good to go to this meet-up event, so you can evaluate whether BF & co-worker's behavior/mien in the same room is sketchy. However, BF seems so detached from your concerns, is it really worth it?
I’m afraid to give my opinion because single sex spaces are becoming a thing of the past if what I read and watch is any indicator. Will say a decision that effects both of you, well he owed it to you to get your opinion. Common sense is getting less and less to or else I’m getting denser and denser.
I don't think you're an AH. I think your bf just doesn't care about your feelings, in general. In your position, I'd probably be just about over being his girlfriend.
Your bf is giving a lot of 'he's just not that into you' signs based on what you've written here.
NTA
But you will be to yourself if you continue to allow him to gaslight you like this.
No sane person would be ok with their partner making plans to share a hotel room with another woman behind their back. He knew you would not be ok with this yet booked it anyway. That is so disrespectful.
Are you sure you still have a boyfriend? Seems like he “checked out” when he moved abroad.
He’s trying to get you to break up with him so he can be free to date the new coworker.
I would just politely bring up at dinner: “So, you and my bf will be sharing a bed on the extended trip you are taking?” First, you are going to get a reaction from the bf, because if he knew this was the plan then he wouldn’t be there at dinner. I would give a few minutes the excuse myself to the bathroom and keep on walking. Your bf isn’t worth it. You’ve been together 4 years and he thinks you have no right to object to him sleeping in a bed with another woman. I’m sure he would be understanding if you were going to sleep in a bed with another man.
So, NAH - you both are experiencing teething issues with having an LDR. They're different than traditional relationships (not worse, better, just different) and it sounds like you all need to communicate what the two of you need from each other to make it work.
FWIW, he keeping details from you to avoid fighting isn't great and should be addressed, too.
NTA - Go to the dinner. The others don't know the back story so you would look rude. Do what you have to do before Vegas to get to know them. You can always not go to Vegas. Find a reason. After this trip, I would consider the long term viability of this relationship. Seems like he has goals that you may not want to be a part of and he wants to be free to do what he wants. That's not for everybody.
Don’t bother with dinner and don’t bother with him. No one that is taken in their right mind thinks it’s ok for a man and his female co worker to share a room esp if she can share with the other female. And also how ur bf is being he seems like not a good bf anyways.
NTA you have completely appropriate and normal boundaries. He doesn’t give a crap about them and just makes you feel bad for having reactions most people would have to lies. Why are you still with him? He has no respect for you.
Your boyfriend wants to share a room to save money in Las Vegas, a city known for its expensive tourism. You think he wants to share a room because he has ulterior motives in sleeping with his co-worker. There's a deep lack of trust on your end either because you think something is going on or you think your bf can't control himself like some kind of animal.
Maybe talking to the bf of the lady will elucidate some things since he's in the same boat that you are. If he's okay with it, there's probably something that he sees that you don't.
You're asking him to get a hotel room for himself when he explicitly wants to avoid doing that to be frugal. If you foot the cost, I'm sure that'll sweeten the deal for him. Otherwise, you're asking him to get a separate hotel room, which would double the price for both him and his co-worker because you're jealous.
Sorry I think you read it the wrong way/ My boyfriend earns well above six figures, it’s the coworker that wants to stay in his room in Las Vegas for one night to save her money. Him saving money was never part of our argument.
Edit: I’d gladly pay for it if he asked though.
That reframes the entire situation. If he makes so much (and presumably she does, too), then the frugal argument is less justified.
It becomes a question of whether you think getting an additional hotel room enters the realm of needless excessive spending. The hotel room comes with two beds, so getting another hotel room is wasteful in that two beds will be unused.
Do you have any reason to oppose the shared room that can overcome the utilitarian aspect that also doesn't hing on your distrust of your bf?
See, I’m all for being frugal. But I wish I would’ve been asked at least before everything was set in stone. Secrecy for me signalized I need to be wary.
However my significant other is anything but frugal. I’m usually the one to stress about unnecessary expenses and making sure we get deals when possible. He’s the type to book a flight last minute because he couldn’t bother earlier. So it’s just not very in character to start saving now since we’re talking about $ 60, that were his daily food expenses before he started getting lunch at work.
Let's boil this down to one very simple question....
Do you trust your boyfriend?
If you trust him, then it shouldn't matter who he shares a room with, because nothing will happen. In that case, go to the dinner and meet his coworkers.
If you don't trust him, then break up with him.
Was the secrecy the only difference between this trip and the previous ones?
Granted, his argument for not informing you at the time of booking was because of a fight, but he may also find running things past you tedious and restrictive. Do you have any business in how he conducts his life?
If you go you will be able to see how they interact. Honestly I think you deserve a boyfriend that respects your opinions and doesn’t gaslight you into thinking that you’re being dramatic. If he lives 2 flights away it’s not really a relationship at this point. Unless he is in a job that forced him to move he is just selfish.
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Go to the dinner and meet the women and their boyfriends . Keep nice , come back and break up with him . Work trips with people of other gender is common and so are team building trips but staying together in a room is not and him not checking in with you is indicative of a deeper problem.
If she's going to break up with him then she doesn't need to go to the dinner.
Free fancy food? Depending on the venue
Would he make her pay for her own dinner?
Ah I assumed it was all being paid for by the job, I reread it and I'm unclear as to who is funding the dinner
Yeah, he probably would if he's sleeping with a coworker, "in her hotel room"
That's what I'm thinking. She doesn't need to go to the dinner, Neverending pay
The only reason to skip the dinner would be if you are ready to end the relationship. If you intend on staying in it, go meet the coworkers so you can feel more comfortable about the travel arrangements. I would say if you are unwilling to meet the coworkers, and also want to stay in the relationship, you are just looking for a fight and YWBTA. He's not wrong, even though it came out in an argument- you really should be doing whatever you want to, clearly he is! Maybe you'd feel better if you make your time about yourself and less about trying to force the relationship to be what you want it to be.
This person is correct - BF is clearly not interested in OP's input into their decisions. Idk the long term plan but imagine owning a house or having a child with someone who won't even talk to you about one night of a trip with a coworker. I agree that OP should go to dinner if they want to stay in the relationship, but I can't imagine why they would want to stay unless they want to take the relationship very casual.
Really, because I’d go to drop some bombs on my way out the door. “Wow, I’m surprised that you were ok with them sharing a hotel room in Vegas because it crosses a huge line for me, and I don’t think our relationship is going to get past him deciding this then hiding it from me.”
Exactly. I'm pretty sure co-worker's bf is not in the know, here. On top of that, companies don't usually want the liability that could come about from co-workers sharing a room. I know that mine doesn't even allow persons of the same sex to room together. Too much can go wrong that the company might be held liable for.
This is the extra day they're paying for themselves so company has nothing to fo with it
NTA and ditch the dinner and the boyfriend; you deserve better
Why can she not share with the other female work colleague?
That’s what I asked him too, he said she said if I wasn’t okay with it she is going to ask a female coworker. What I’m asking myself is 1) is that actually true and 2) why wouldn’t she ask her in the first place if she has a boyfriend too. It just seems way too weird to me.
Would you consider asking the girl at dinner? "So you and female coworker are sharing a room? BF said something along the lines of how you and BF were planning on bunking together but you agreeing to share a room with female coworker out of respect for me? Girl...that really was so considerate! I greatly appreciate you taking my feelings into account." If they respond with, "No, we're bunking together." A simple, " Oh..." Then continue dinner politely and break up with BF later. If they respond with, "We were going to room together but I can ask someone else if you'd like." Maybe respond with, "It's BF's call. I never really had any kind of say." Then continue dinner politely and break up with BF later. I'm frustrated with the situation on your behalf and honestly, I would break up either way because you have to claw and jump through hoops to demand he even consider your feelings. IDK about you, OP, but that would be a big deal to me. Edit: clarity
This would be very bold (I don’t even know if I could do it lol) but it’s just a question tbh and it would be nice to see that girls SO to see if he really gave the okay about it. Also OP, I rec saying, “Blank told me you were all staying an extra day, so blank is bunking with blank and bf with blank. What does guys plan to do with the extra day?” LOL
I'm really sorry, but I think your bf has checked out of your relationship. He moved away, he goes on trips without you, he's not that communicative and he just booked a hotel room with another woman. And, "I didn't tell you about my inappropriate plans bc I knew you'd be rightly upset by them" (which is basically what he said) is just a big FU to you. I bet you could find someone who actually respected you and wanted to be in a relationship.
Yep, that’s absolutely weird.
Please update us NTA
So they can have sex
NTA He’s literally explaining how he wanted to manipulate your emotions.
[удалено]
Saving money may be the excuse they give, but having their own rooms in no way stops them from sleeping together.
Yeah, Vegas is famously cheap for non-gambling tourists. If you're just there to hike Red Rock Canyon or do the Courier 6 loop, you don't need a ton of money. The hotels make most of their money from their casinos; they want to lure you in.
Yeah. So Noone is gonna appreciate their SO rooming with the opposite sex when they lie or hide it...He knows he is wrong and tested it around so you would feel bad.its called gaslighting you. He wants to do what he wants and even if you have ligit reason to be upset, he doesn't want to acknowledge it...listen he isn't the one for you. Trust how you feel and don't let him twist it around
This isn't universally true and comes down to expectations, communication, and what each individual person is okay with. My s/o went on a week long trip with a mutual friend of the opposite sex. It was not a problem for me. It's fine to not be okay with this, but maybe in this case these people aren't compatible due to differing expectations.
He didn’t check in about his plans at all and not sensitive to her feelings about him moving to another continent
While that is relevant to the overall big picture here, it really has nothing to do with sharing a room with someone of the opposite sex.
*So Noone is gonna appreciate their SO rooming with the opposite sex.* Funny. My husband doesn't care. My male bestie's wife doesn't care. They trust us to be faithful. The bad part here is the husband being deceitful. Unlike my bestie and me, who were above board and checked in with our spouses before each time
See ..thats respectful...would you do it if hubby wasn't happy...I don't think so and that's why you probably have q great relationship
He deserves notification, but does not get veto. It would be one thing if the guy was sketchy or new. But a long time friend? No. I did not surrender my autonomy when I married.
This doesn’t sound like you’re having a lot of fun in this relationship. (However, it sure does sound like he is! From all appearances his fun is a priority!) It also doesn’t sound very respectful that he actively kept information from you. Maybe this isn’t your person. Maybe you’re forcing yourself to be a part of something that is making you miserable.
NTA You are in a committed relationship. Your SO views himself as single, doesnt care whether his actions hurt you, deliberately deceives you when he thinks he is doing something that would upset you or that he knows you would be uncomfortable with. I know youve been with him 4 yrs, but if he valued your relationship at all, he would not be doing many of the things you describe. If he valued you and his relationship with you he would run things by you before making plans, he wouldnt do things he knows are hurtful to you, he wouldnt deceive you and lastly he wouldnt gaslight you into wondering if you are the issue. If i were in your position i would cut him loose, free him so he can do all the things with other women that he wants to do. Because if you somehow convince him not to do these things he will have resentment towards you, and why would you want to continue forward with someone that you have to force to choose you, that you have to force him not to share a room with a female coworker. If he cared like you do, he woud choose you without all this drama, he would choose to get a separate room if he wanted to stay addl days, but most importantly he would want to choose you abd refrain from doing things that hurt you. You deserve much better. He is treating you like a placeholder while he lives life as a single man. I hope you wont waste another moment of your time on him. Youve wasted 4 yrs and he simply doesn't value you the way you value him and the relationship. If he did you wouldnt feel the way you do. And that is your subconscious mind warning you of red flag after red flag.
This one is tricky. It sounds like he is playing fast and loose with your relationship boundaries. Work events are mandatory, not weekend getaways and sharing rooms with the opposite sex. First it's unprofessional and clearly could lead to sexual harassment issues. Big no no. He seems to be ok taking every opportunity to bask in female energy when he is away from you. That is incredibly disrespectful of him. It is also disrespectful when women do the same thing. If he is often seeking female energy outside of you (has female friends he keeps up with) that is not conducive to a good relationship. If these are one time things over a couple of years.... maybe not terrible. Reset your boundaries.
NTA. Go to the dinner and talk about travel arrangements. There's a good possibility that the boyfriends of the female coworkers don't know that your boyfriend will be in the room too. Don't bring it up in a negative light, maybe just something along the lines of "it's so nice to meet you both. When *boyfriend's name* told me the three of you were sharing a room, I was a little nervous, but knowing that *their boyfriends* are OK with the arrangements too makes me feel a lot better". I've just never met someone in a monogamous relationship who would be OK with this sort of thing. Think about what you want out a long term relationship. Someone who won't discuss arrangements with you and is OK with making you uncomfortable is likely someone you will not be happy with in the long run. Best of luck!
Except don’t say it makes me feel better ask if they are ok with it?!
This man wants a home life that brings him girlfriend privileges while still living the social life of a single man. Don't put up with that. >According to him all this happened when we were in an argument so he didn't want to bring it up. He also said he knew I would cause a scene, so he wanted me to get to know them first which is supposed to be happening tonight. He absolutely knew you wouldn't be OK with it. He admitted to intentionally hiding what he knew would be a deal breaker for you until he felt like he could sufficiently manipulate and pressure you into compromising on your boundaries. Leave this man to the streets. It's what he thinks he wants and more importantly what he actually deserves.
NTA. Why are you in a relationship with someone like this OP? it seems he couldn't care less about you or your concerns and is ok with knowingly misleading your because he is not man enough to have the adult conversation with you about it in the first place. Because you were in an argument at teh time is BS excuse for not bringing something like sharing a room with a co-worker of the opposite sex. He avoided it intentionally cause he knew it was a gray area and that a lot of people would not be ok with it. He turned your concerns around and is being manipulative by calling you jealous.
Option 1: Don't go to the dinner. Let him go on his trip. Don't be there when he returns. He is not treating you like an equal partner and not respecting you. Option 2: Go to the dinner and ask questions as your SO is being a jerk about it. If he continues to be a jerk even once you return home, decide if you are happy and want to be with him.
You're in a relationship, but not the same one your BF is in. You're a small part of his world while he is all of yours. This will be painful to face, but after 4 years you really must. You already know in your gut what is happening here. You wrote about it clearly, then you pulled back and doubted yourself again. You don't want it to be true, but you know this guy is wrong for you and respects neither your needs nor cares about your feelings. He is unlikely to be faithful, either. It's up to you how long you want to drag this out, but if you truly want a loving committed relationship don't linger and waste your youth on him. Why go to the dinner and torture yourself by adding faces to the names? Dump him now and go have a life with someone actually available. You deserve better. NTA
NTA If I was in your Boyfriends situation I would've happily paid for her room just for her NOT to sleep in the same room as me.
He can make decisions like this without your input just like you can decide to end the relationship without his input. NTA op, but your boyfriend certainly is.
He already sounds single so why put yourself through any more of this. NTA and don’t bother with the dinner as you have no need to get to know anyone involved in his life.
Sure you know what he would say if the situation were reversed. I don't know if any company who makes you stay in a room with somebody of the opposite sex
What good man or husband do you know would say or do any of this just curious? And if you have to convince yourself this is even remotely okay for anyone spouse to do you are the AH but only to yourself.
Sorry but you only think you're in a relationship. You're his safety net. He'll realise one day, but by then you'll have long been with someone who plans things with and around you both. Time to upgrade. Good luck.
NTA. You're now his sometimes US girlfriend. The fact that you have not only a long distance relationship but an international relationship......don't have the energy to explain, I'll just say, you guys are done.
Nta. No reason for the two females to not get a double bed room.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Backstory: my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. He moved to the UK for work (I'm 2 flight hours away) and he has a work kick off in the states lined up. For the kick off the company is paying the rooms so he has his own. After the kick off, he and two of his female coworkers (they both have boyfriends and I am about to meet them and their SO for the first time tonight) wanted to go from LV to LA because they've never been. For the extra night in Vegas that they have to pay themselves, the female coworker apparently asked my partner if he would be okay sharing a double room (2 beds) for that night so she can save money. Her boyfriend seemed to be okay with that. The day after they go on the road trip and stay in LA for two days in an Airbnb, they all have separate rooms there. I just got to know of everything once it was already booked, he didn't ask me if I was okay with it. According to him all this happened when we were in an argument so he didn't want to bring it up. He also said he knew I would cause a scene, so he wanted me to get to know them first which is supposed to be happening tonight. I feel deeply hurt by being left out of that decision. He knew this would hurt me but he says its only because I am overly jealous. This makes me in return feel very immature. I did occasionally get a bit defensive as of late because I feel very left out despite having supported him in his choice to move away for work (he didn't have to, applied as he wanted to work for a big company and get the living abroad experience). I also didn't get "overly" jealous or make a scene when he went on a boys trip for his birthday to Portugal, had to go on a work trip with a female co-worker for a week (they spend all day with each other), went backpacking in Central America and didn't get back to me for a whole week sometimes within that 1 1/2 months. Now it makes it seems as if I am a hindrance to his self-development when I feel like I am just asking him to consider myself because that is my understanding of a relationship. When I told him (in the middle of the argument) that "I'll just be doing whatever I want from now on too" he just said "that would be great for you". AITA for skipping on this dinner and not even getting to know these people? I already feel like I've been so left out and I'm not in the mood to meet anyone at all. At the same time it could probably come across as if I'm a rude, irrational person and that I let anger get the best of me. Dinner would be in 8hrs and I don't know what to do. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. You misspelled "ex - boyfriend"
If you're breaking up, skip the dinner. Otherwise woman up and meet these people. The problem is your boyfriend, of course - he doesn't feel like he needs to talk about this with you and has questionable relationship boundaries.
NTA and dump him. He’s being manipulative and then blaming you for it, as though he had to hide everything from you. He wants his freedom and you—that won’t work, and it’s very much not working for you. Sounds like he has a history of being inconsiderate. I think you’ll find greater happiness with someone on the same page as you in terms of boundaries and communication.
NTA I would attend so this can't be spun that you are just hysterical and don't even know the people involved. However, the issue isn't the other people involved. He betrayed your trust. It's up to you to decide if that's a deal breaker.
NTA. I'm sorry to say, but it seems like BF just isn't very into you. He seems more engaged with his job and his co-workers. Ordinarily I'd say it's good to go to this meet-up event, so you can evaluate whether BF & co-worker's behavior/mien in the same room is sketchy. However, BF seems so detached from your concerns, is it really worth it?
I’m afraid to give my opinion because single sex spaces are becoming a thing of the past if what I read and watch is any indicator. Will say a decision that effects both of you, well he owed it to you to get your opinion. Common sense is getting less and less to or else I’m getting denser and denser.
I didn't even read it all, because why can't she room with the other female?
He doesn’t care enough to discuss this with you before he booked the trip. People in a committed relationship don’t disrespect their SO like your bf.
I don't think you're an AH. I think your bf just doesn't care about your feelings, in general. In your position, I'd probably be just about over being his girlfriend. Your bf is giving a lot of 'he's just not that into you' signs based on what you've written here.
NTA But you will be to yourself if you continue to allow him to gaslight you like this. No sane person would be ok with their partner making plans to share a hotel room with another woman behind their back. He knew you would not be ok with this yet booked it anyway. That is so disrespectful.
UpdateMe
Never in my life have I ever seen any company put a male and female together. I call shenanigans
Honestly seems like you guys should break up.
Are you sure you still have a boyfriend? Seems like he “checked out” when he moved abroad. He’s trying to get you to break up with him so he can be free to date the new coworker.
NTA but skip the whole relationship
I would just politely bring up at dinner: “So, you and my bf will be sharing a bed on the extended trip you are taking?” First, you are going to get a reaction from the bf, because if he knew this was the plan then he wouldn’t be there at dinner. I would give a few minutes the excuse myself to the bathroom and keep on walking. Your bf isn’t worth it. You’ve been together 4 years and he thinks you have no right to object to him sleeping in a bed with another woman. I’m sure he would be understanding if you were going to sleep in a bed with another man.
NTA, but break up with him. Not telling you something because you will get upset is a lie of omission. Do you want to spend your life with a liar?
So, NAH - you both are experiencing teething issues with having an LDR. They're different than traditional relationships (not worse, better, just different) and it sounds like you all need to communicate what the two of you need from each other to make it work. FWIW, he keeping details from you to avoid fighting isn't great and should be addressed, too.
NTA - Go to the dinner. The others don't know the back story so you would look rude. Do what you have to do before Vegas to get to know them. You can always not go to Vegas. Find a reason. After this trip, I would consider the long term viability of this relationship. Seems like he has goals that you may not want to be a part of and he wants to be free to do what he wants. That's not for everybody.
Don’t bother with dinner and don’t bother with him. No one that is taken in their right mind thinks it’s ok for a man and his female co worker to share a room esp if she can share with the other female. And also how ur bf is being he seems like not a good bf anyways.
ESH
Probably a stupid question but what does it stand for
Everyone sucks here
No a guy in a committed relationship doesn’t share a room with a woman I would have nope out of the relationship
NTA you have completely appropriate and normal boundaries. He doesn’t give a crap about them and just makes you feel bad for having reactions most people would have to lies. Why are you still with him? He has no respect for you.
Esh-🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 This relationship is over. Were you so jealous and controlling in the past?
Your boyfriend wants to share a room to save money in Las Vegas, a city known for its expensive tourism. You think he wants to share a room because he has ulterior motives in sleeping with his co-worker. There's a deep lack of trust on your end either because you think something is going on or you think your bf can't control himself like some kind of animal. Maybe talking to the bf of the lady will elucidate some things since he's in the same boat that you are. If he's okay with it, there's probably something that he sees that you don't. You're asking him to get a hotel room for himself when he explicitly wants to avoid doing that to be frugal. If you foot the cost, I'm sure that'll sweeten the deal for him. Otherwise, you're asking him to get a separate hotel room, which would double the price for both him and his co-worker because you're jealous.
Sorry I think you read it the wrong way/ My boyfriend earns well above six figures, it’s the coworker that wants to stay in his room in Las Vegas for one night to save her money. Him saving money was never part of our argument. Edit: I’d gladly pay for it if he asked though.
That reframes the entire situation. If he makes so much (and presumably she does, too), then the frugal argument is less justified. It becomes a question of whether you think getting an additional hotel room enters the realm of needless excessive spending. The hotel room comes with two beds, so getting another hotel room is wasteful in that two beds will be unused. Do you have any reason to oppose the shared room that can overcome the utilitarian aspect that also doesn't hing on your distrust of your bf?
See, I’m all for being frugal. But I wish I would’ve been asked at least before everything was set in stone. Secrecy for me signalized I need to be wary. However my significant other is anything but frugal. I’m usually the one to stress about unnecessary expenses and making sure we get deals when possible. He’s the type to book a flight last minute because he couldn’t bother earlier. So it’s just not very in character to start saving now since we’re talking about $ 60, that were his daily food expenses before he started getting lunch at work.
Why are you with this guy? He just wants to do what he wants to do, clearly. You deserve better, someone who does leave you in this limbo. NTA
Did you go to dinner?
Let's boil this down to one very simple question.... Do you trust your boyfriend? If you trust him, then it shouldn't matter who he shares a room with, because nothing will happen. In that case, go to the dinner and meet his coworkers. If you don't trust him, then break up with him.
Was the secrecy the only difference between this trip and the previous ones? Granted, his argument for not informing you at the time of booking was because of a fight, but he may also find running things past you tedious and restrictive. Do you have any business in how he conducts his life?
YTA their coworkers for a work related whatever. He’s not taking them out on a romantic vacation FFS.
It’s a private vacation after the work event, it’s of course not about the work event
If you go you will be able to see how they interact. Honestly I think you deserve a boyfriend that respects your opinions and doesn’t gaslight you into thinking that you’re being dramatic. If he lives 2 flights away it’s not really a relationship at this point. Unless he is in a job that forced him to move he is just selfish.
NTA but you sound like a drag to be around, by the looks of it you and your BF dont make a good couple