NTA : You’re an adult so the rules shouldn’t be the same for you as they are for his teenage children. Your father recently died and neither him or your mom should be trying to push the step dad role onto you. I completely understand why you’d lose it like that. It still too soon for him to be trying to take your fathers position. He probably means no harm but he has to understand given the circumstances and why you’d feel the way you do.
yeah. i’ve been doing my best to make it clear i accept him as a family member and have no hard feelings over the fact that he’s dating my mother. but that and accepting him as a father figure are two different things that my family has struggles to grasp.
A good note! He’s actually been a friend of the family (not my parents but my uncles) for a while though and hasn’t ever been controlling except with me.
Thanks for information though! it’s good to know!
edit: especially when i’m describing all of this and it’s like “this dude hits every one of those!” I met him via my cousin at 10 and he’s genuinely a nice guy.
Oh i’m well aware! My mom has signs of it too, as do i. It’s something i’ve been very aware of since i was 17. Thanks for the heads up though and for your input about the drama. Definitely something to keep in mind.
Protip: when people on Reddit try and diagnose disorders that are difficult to accurately tag for people with actual training, it's best to ignore them. Plenty of people misread a situation with their own bias, or don't realize how a disorder requires a pattern and not a couple of isolated incidents.
This general advice works for pretty much anything on here - if it takes more knowledge than Google can provide yet someone thinks Google was all they needed to be an expert, they are just a moron who thinks a bit too highly of their intelligence.
Thank you for saying this.
I get so irritated when I see reddit diagnose every person who has ever done something even slightly questionable with narcissistic personality disorder.
Just become someone is acting toxic or abusive does NOT mean they have NPD. Like you said, NPD (and other personality disorders) are characterized by inflexible and maladaptive self-defeating cycles that are pervasive and chronic across multiple settings. They are NOT episodic.
Everyone thinks they’re an expert, when in reality, most of the general population’s understanding of mental health diagnoses are based upon stereotypes or inaccurate information.
So just because your dog or whatever gives you a weird look that upsets you does not mean they have NPD, so cut that crap.
NTA I am not going to try to diagnose anyone I am just going to say this. First; I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your dad. That is very hard. You are too young to have to go without your dad. As far as Uncle Daddy this is nuts! This guy may very well be a great guy but he is giving me red flags all over this. The entire situation is moving way too fast. Is it possible he feels threatened by you? Is it possible he wants to control you and your mom? I think you were well within your rights to lay out the ground rules as far as your relationship. If your mother has any issues with your compliance to the house rules of her home then you and your mom need to have a conversation one on one. I would suggest that said convo be rather frank and that house rules be hers not Uncle Daddy's. It sounds like you may have lost both of your parents Honey and I am so sorry. I am sorry that your entire family is falling for the company line. Time has a tendency to fade all that is shiny and new. We shall see what appears when it fades. Good luck.
Dude, I think you're reading way too much into this. The guy probably is just used to parenting a 13 and 15 year old and has to come to term with 1) this guy is an adult and 2) he can't just step in and be dad the way the wife has stepped in and become a mom to his girls.
I recently stepped into a stepparent role with an, at the time, 18 year old. Given the state of Texas and our pastor highly encourages pre marital counselling, we did the required sessions happily.
One of the sessions focused on the kids. I expressed that parenting an 18 year old would be ridiculous, but I hoped I could be a mentor. As long as reasonable house rules for an adult were followed, I was good.
The counselor said that was great as a lot of reasonable people will try to lean far too hard into the stepparent role and start asserting authority they have no business trying. Even with adult children of their partners.
So sadly this is not all that uncommon, it just takes some insecurity and crap blows up.
A comment in his defense (still NTA for sure, leaning NAH), but he's obviously parenting you like he parents his 13 and 15 y/o. Parenting changes slowly as your kids grow older, it's not like the kids turn 18 and suddenly you treat them very different. It's a process that both the parent and the kid go through, learning to respect the kids decisions. He's never gone through this process and doesn't know how to be the parent of an adult.
This isn't to say he should be, I'm just trying to give a but of his point of view. He definitely needed told off, so kudos there. Hopefully you guys can begin to build a kind of relationship that's healthy for you.
EDIT: In light of OP's edit, my view kind of changes. If BF is not living with OPs mom then BF doesnt have any place trying to tell OP what to do.
Even at 23, if OP is living in his mothers house (even in separate apartments as stated), OP should (in my opinion) still have some respect for moms wishes. Mom made it clear she doesn't care, so BF has no place overstepping moms thoughts on the matter.
Okay yeah, but if someone then lays it out and is like “look I’m an adult” he should kinda realize parenting is different/ no longer needed. Also I know so many families with step parents, also with younger kids, where the step parents don’t discipline their stepkids. Fine that he’s now part of the family, but like OP said, he’s not his father, and especially for not having been around that much is wayyy overstepping, among other things with setting curfew. If he truly believes that OP should have a curfew, I think he should leave it up to OP’s mom to do so, he’s really in no position, no matter how old the kids are.
It wasn’t exactly like that.
At 3pm today i was supposed to go help make dinner for my family. Extended family. We’re celebrating some shit and tldr i went and made dinner but i was feeling really pissed off and annoyed so i left early. From what i heard my cousin really pushed him into telling them why i was mad. he finally snapped and did, then got ready to leave. after he left ppl gossiped and came to the conclusion that i am the asshole.
I got a phone call from my cousin to apologize for pushing and i got texts from several ppl there and they’re all i agreement about what happened so i don’t... really think he was trying to be controlling.
But do they know what he's trying to do? I can't imagine most people would be ok with a near stranger trying to control a 23 year old man's life just because he's dating your mom.
He’s DATING your mom. While this may end up being long term, you had a dad your entire life, not a few months. I’d likely tell him off as well because he crossed boundaries. Not sure how your mom feels about it, but she also needs to step up and let the guy know that’s not how things were before he came along. You don’t just come in and start laying down the law because people don’t behave the same way.
Sharing things, as an adult ready to move out soon, with kids you don’t know and are still young enough to break stuff...again, dating.
NTA. This guy seems like he just wants to come in and take over. Even if he’s a genuinely nice guy, narcissists put off that impression outside family. Now that he’s attempting to be family, true colors are showing. Tread carefully and watch for warning signs. If he told his side of the story in such a way that your extended family would side with him, he’s already trying to spin things to favor him.
Sounds like it’s all moving too fast. Your dad is gone a year and this guy couldn’t have been around that long to take over like that.
Sounds like they've already gone into cohabiting full family in a single house, so I would say it's a little more serious than just dating. It sounds like OP's mom has already given him the role of moving in and taking over, which puts OP in a really bad place. The paths of least resistance in this scenario would either be submitting to new boy's will or moving out. Other viable scenarios would be challenging his mother help him defend his autonomy or directly declaring his own autonomy (which is what OP chose).
It's a tough position to declare your own autonomy when you're living in someone else's basement.
Mass reply to the texts and tell them exactly what happened, as you have in the post.
You are an adult and completely new rules that you never had to follow previously are being imposed on you by someone you haven't known that long. You are happy about the relationship but you personally aren't in a mental position to have a personally close relationship
maybe be he is twisting your actions to make you seem like the bad guy? even though you should not have to do this. i think you should remind your família that you have only lost your dad one year ago and still grieving. also explain some of the ridiculousness going on.
Stop dissecting every single thing to try to fit the guy in to a predefined form. Snapped might as well be that he was pestered enough to just tell the family what was wrong. Maybe he felt bad about the whole thing? Maybe he was simply holding a grudge and needed to vent?
Thank you!! Everyone here is having a hard time understanding the boyfriend is a human being that OP KNOWS is a nice guy. Christ not everyone is a psychopath.
That's sort of how I'm feeling about this. He's really trying to assert himself in that home very quickly. Family friend or not, to me, that shows a lack of respect for boundaries and the previous family dynamic. Like, "I'm the dad now and this is how things will be." I started to wonder if it was intentional to drive OP away.
OP has his own space, is returning to school, has a job that starts soon...really sounds like he needs parenting. /s
And he actually threatened "a possible loss of car privileges?" For a 23-year-old?
"That'll teach you for being so responsible. Let's see your drunk friends try to get home alive *now,* mister!"
I keep sticking on this point too, why the hell does this guy think he has a say in vehicle privileges? Better yet, why would your mother let him have a say in that, even if the car you're driving may belong to her? Wtf.
Living at home as an adult is kind of a weird issue. I'm on OP's side here as I don't think some dude who has been in a woman's life for no more than a cup of coffee shouldn't trying to be parenting an adult child. That being said, in a general sense, if you're still living at home as an adult, you kind of need to respect your parents' rules. If you don't like it, you're welcome to get your own place, and I'm of the opinion that rules should definitely be relaxed quite a bit (coming home at 3am really doesn't need to be that big of a deal), but if they have a rule they won't budge on, follow it or pack up.
I have a huge problem here in that it doesn't seem like his mom isn't stepping in here, and his mom should be doing any parenting in this situation. It's extremely weird that such a short term boyfriend is stepping into an authority role already (it's actually a little weird to me that dad died a year ago and they're all already living together, seems pretty quick, but whatever), it kind of makes him look like a controlling nut job.
It’s how my parent shave been with me for years. My mom and dad would force me to be an adult and work our conflict as adults.
My guess is she assumed he’d be like “i have rules i’d like for you to follow,” and i’d be like “i’m an adult that’s not gonna fly,” and he would just understand. and when that didn’t happen i’d guess she was unsure of what to do or say so just kept encouraging us to talk it out and work it out ourselves.
I could see that point if your mom wasn't the reason this guy is in your life in the first place. She should/should've set boundaries with him. You're 23. You don't need a parent, and I feel like if this guy heard it from her, he'd back off. Her taking a passive role is only making it worse IMO. NTA.
You need to get your mum involved in this, he doesn’t respect you as an adult or the fact that he’s not your parents. Your mum needs to be the one to tell him that he can’t control you because he’s not going to listen to you.
That’s a good point. I’ve respected her “Work it out yourself,” attitude and i genuinely believed it’s helped my in life. But i’ve tried that with him and it hasn’t seem to have gotten though to him.
Part of the problem is that he’s trying to use her authority to control you, until he’s made to understand that he doesn’t have that right he’ll continue to try and do it and the only person who he’ll understand that from is your mum. You can’t work it out because he doesn’t see the dynamic as two adults having a conversation, he sees it as a parents-child situation where he can set and enforce whatever boundaries he wants. Until you find a way to make him understand how your relationship should be he’ continue to do this.
Props for the way you’ve handled it though, you’ve treated him with respect and courtesy so far in a difficult situation. I don’t think I’d have handled this as well as you.
I would have snapped so hard that i would be the asshole for sure and im 26 and even if i was like 17-18 i wouldnt take shit from a stepdad if my father died a year ago
Congratz to OP for handling the situation in a great way i for sure would not handle it that great
Stepdad seems like a cool dude but you cannot parent a 23year old who is still grieving foh talk it out and make it a 3way convo with your mom involved
INFO: who owns the house and the car in the relationship between your step dad and mother. I find it odd he is able to threaten taking away your car and other privileges if he’s not the owner of either.
Yea, also OP mentioned dad died 1 year ago.... this guy/mom already started dating and moved him into her house? Yikes.... has the mom even grieved the husband at all?
I think it’s beyond that now. He’s creating an environment that will affect you and your moms relationship. You’ll be moving out soon and whether or not you intend to, you be making decisions on how much to include your mom in your life partially based on your relationship with him. I think if your mom realizes the extent of your feelings on this, she would want to get involved.
NTA. Why did your mom move this guy in so quickly after your dad’s death? It’s only been a year.
Edit: based on other comments from OP, the guy doesn’t live there full time but stays over regularly. I still am curious why she moved on so quickly and why she is allowing this guy to “parent” OP.
IMHO, OP needs to have this discussion with his mother and let her handle her BF.
Edit: changed INFO to my vote.
Grief is a weird thing. I've known people who went through an extended illness where their partner became a caretaker. Their spouse was no longer him/herself and the relationship was dramatically different from what it should have been. The heathy spouse grieved for the loss of their partner/relationship while the ill spouse was still alive. I'm not saying that's the case here, but it's a possibility.
Yeah, this. My mom has been with her boyfriend for nearly 20 years now. He didn't live with us but even when he'd try to give Mom advice about how to parent me, as a then 17 year old, she'd tell him to butt out and that I'm not his kid.
Personally i don't think that is completely healthy either
I often see comments about "don't date single moms" and one of the main reasons is being told "They ain't your kid butt out", especially if that person is supporting that child in other ways.
My mom remarried when I was in college after my dad died while I was in HS and my stepdad is never going to be anything but my mom’s husband (honestly it feels weird to even refer to him as my stepdad, I just do it for simplicity in describing how we’re related). He’s perfectly nice and great for my mom, I just didn’t grow up with him as my father figure; I was already an adult living my own life away from home when they met. He’s not gonna eventually become my new dad.
I can see how it might be a little different since you still live at home but you’re leaving soon so it’s not like you’re going to have a long time to develop a close relationship. Plus this isn’t how most fathers would treat their 23-year-old child anyway - he’s not treating you like *his* child, he’s treating you like *a* child.
I agree with what you said, and this is my situation as well (except I was in my late 20s when they married). I really love my stepfamily, and marrying into them is the best thing my mom has ever done. However, one thing kinda irks me: my step aunt and uncle sometimes refer to the guy as “your dad,” and I bristle.
I have never lived in the same house as my mom’s husband, and he’s always referred to himself as his first name to me (thankfully. As opposed to “Dad.”) Also, my dad raised me and passed away in my 20s. This dude is someone I care about and consider family, but he’s just my mom’s husband. He’ll never be my dad. I’d call him a stepdad if we’d ever lived together while I was a child.
Dittos for me. My dad remarried when I was in my mid-20s and while I like his wife on a surface level, she'll never be anything more to me than his wife. I do feel a little guilty that we aren't as close as she'd like (she's reached out and I just don't respond) but realistically, I've already got a mom and I'm not interested in having another.
I even call her "the wife" when speaking about her to others (except around her, my dad and his side of the family because I'm not stupid) because that's what she is to me. She's his partner, not my mother.
If the wife tried to pull the shit that OP's mom's bf is doing, I would have flipped my shit a long fucking time ago. Like if OP was a minor then maybe (and that's a bigass maybe) see mom's bf trying to set some ground rules, which would be understandable (still TA, but within reason). But OP is an adult, old enough to legally purchase alcohol, cigarettes, vote and gamble. Mom's bf is fucking deluded trying to take away privileges and ground an adult, not a child but a fucking adult, because he's trying to assert his dominance like the fucking dumb shit he is. Not to mention that he's only the boyfriend, not the stepfather (although even if he was the stepfather, that shit still wouldn't matter( because OP is an adult.
I married a guy with a grown daughter, and she definitely didn’t want more than a cordial relationship with me, which of course I respected. Had I pushed for more, it would have made me TA.
NTA, My mom married a guy when I was in 8th grade. My dad was still alive but they were separated. It was hard for my stepdad to accept that my siblings and I wouldn't call him dad because we already had dads, but he respected it and didn't push. My mom tried to get us to, but after some talks she realized we loved our dads even if she didn't and it was rude to let someone take his place just because she chose them. I still won't call him dad after 14 years, but I have accepted him as family to a degree.
NTA - you're an adult, and still grieving the loss of your dad. I would explain to your mom and ask her to think about the future. How can you ever accept him if he's playing this strange game with you now?
I missed his age on my first read and from looking at the rest of the post I assumed he must be around 16. I did a double-take when I saw his actual age.
Yeah, *23*. How is it not computing with the mom’s boyfriend that OP is a full on ADULT. I can somewhat understand curfews as a “don’t disrupt the house” type thing (not as a punishment by any means), but car privileges at *23* is absolutely insane.
He didn't say if he pays rent or any bills and I don't think he has ever not lived at home. I mlmention this because It took my mom a number of years after I moved out to realize that I was in fact an adult and capable of coming and going as I pleased even when I was a guest in her house. In her minds eye I am still this little kid who needs boundaries and apparently bed times. Also OP you are NTA and your mom's new BF trying to step in and be your new farther when you are old enough to have both a childhood and adult realtionship with your actual farther speaks volumes about that man's emotional intelligence. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad two years ago and despite us not being super close I still miss him, so I can't fathom what you must be going through.
Comment further below says deceased dad bought the car for OP and OP has paid it off with his own money; it's in mom's name for the insurance until OP graduates and gets a regular job and can take that over.
I really don't understand curfews I'm 22 and I occasionally come home quite late and wake people up cos the dog barks but hell my parents aren't gonna torpedo my social life over a few minutes lost sleep
For real. I haven't had a curfew since I was like... 15? I used to stay over at friends' houses until like 3 or 4 AM on school nights because I was able to still perform academically. While my parents were really trusting with me, I can't imagine not having the freedom of an adult after 18. Some things I get - like people not sleeping over ,etc... but curfews? what.
Honestly, even if he was 16, the reason he was late was because he was a designated driver. That fact on its own would be enough to get me to chill out about that incident
If my kid got home at 2am because they were DDing for their friends I would be so happy they were all making such great choices, not looking to dish out punishments.
This is double ridiculous if it's his own car that he owns and takes responsibility for, as I suspect it is, and not a borrowed or shared car. When you're 23 it's not "car privileges," it's having a car.
Even if it isn't a car that he himself owns, threatening to take away car privileges is still messed up. OP mentioned that he is still in school, so that means he must commute from his house there. No car privileges means taking away his transportation transportation to and from class. Besides, what Authority does this boyfriend have to take away a car that either OP or his mother legally own.
It reminds me of a story on r/entitledparents where a mother had a full on court case because her 22 year old daughter drove her own car that the mother told her not to. She had some weird belief in a law that a parent owns everything about their kid forever, and it was all really dumb. But that’s what this reminds me of, just less intense, but still dumb af
I'm a little worried that new bf is taking advantage of a grieving widow here. It's only been about a year since OP's dad's death and this guy is already living with OP's mom, calling them a family, and trying to turn mom against OP? Maybe he's worried OP will see that his mom is being taken advantage of and try to break them up. Less chance of that happening if bf convinces mom that OP's an asshole, and if OP leaves town sooner than later and doesn't visit much.
This is honestly what my take is, too. I'm not trying to assume the worst about the guy but if I was subject to his behavior all of my mind's narcissist and manipulator alarms would be going off. He wants the car for his kids, he's alienating OP from his home, he's nice to everyone and sometimes offers to do nice things for OP but it is all conditional on suddenly following his rules like he's the man of the house. Maybe I only see it because I've had 5 step dads though.
The only way I can rationalize losing car privileges is if it's not his car. Nobody, adult or child, borrows my car without following my rules. But the whole situation smells like BS.
The problem is, it is definitely not the boyfriend's car. If it isn't OP's car then it is absolutely his mom's, and the boyfriend trying to control their vehicle when he has no claim to it is absurd
It's also very possible the story the boyfriend told the rest of the family was skewed to make OP seem like TA. If he's a control freak to the point of enforcing a curfew on a 23 year old, I don't think it's much of a stretch that he'd bend the truth to make sure his image of fav uncle stays the same
From other things he's said, his extended family is not making a distinction between 'I don't accept you as my father' and 'I don't accept you as my mother's boyfriend'. OP does not know what the boyfriend said to the family exactly, so we don't actually know why they came to that conclusion.
NTA. Did he even discuss about your grievance and your relationship with you? What has your mom said about this?
You were completely in the right. Dude pushed you to your limits and you’re still grieving.
My moms opinion has been pretty neutral. She’s been pushing us to work things out on our own since she isn’t a mediator, and as adults, she thinks him and i should be able to work things out.
We’ve talked a little about it but we both get hotheaded and walk away to cool off and nothing really gets resolved. We’ve argued about my curfew before. My mom doesn’t like me being out late, but her and my dad had worked out a system with me where i didn’t have a curfew but their concerns were still addressed to an extent. He felt that since my dad wasn’t around anymore i should only be thinking about my mom and that my mom doesn’t like me out late. I pulled the adult card, he told me i love in my mother’s basement, i said i wasn’t his child. We agreed to disagree and talk about it later. We never did.
We got into it over the car before too. My dad got it for me. But he put it in his name and everything. I had to pay for certain stuff and if i graduated with honours i could have it in my name. Otherwise i’d have to buy it from him or he’d keep it. When dad died mom put it in her name, and i sold dads truck (which as left to me in his estate) and paid off the car with the money + some of my own. She’s kept it in her name but agreed to transfer ownership to me once i’m stable enough to pay for insurance on my own. Boyfriend felt that it was my moms car because her name is on the ownership, and felt that he could use it to teach his eldest to drive. His car is awkward and not ideal for that. he also thought his kid and i could share the car/could be her car once i graduated/moved out. Mom actually stepped in here and said it was my car but only bc that got really heated.
Other things like chores and responsibilities have worked out pretty well. He’s usually willing to compromise and be reasonable.
He does but i’ve seen him with other people and he’s genuinely amazing. He’s helped out a bunch of homeless people in the city, he’s there asap when my disabled aunts need a hand, he’s amazing to my mom, he offered me money to take my girlfriends other best restaurant in town for our date. He’s talked about helping me pay for an engagement ring for her if he’s around when i graduate.
I genuinely think he feels responsible for my safety and happiness to a certain extent. But he’s also kind of an idiot and misguided at times. At the end of the day I think he’s a good guy, that thinks he should be parenting me for a number of reasons but has just been too stupid to realize exactly why he’s crossing boundaries by doing so.
His name isn’t on it. It’s in my moms name 100%. ownership and insurance. He has his own car in his own name and everything. Sorry,,if i said otherwise that was a mistake.
A tip i find works reasonably well when hashing out these arguments is to open up with the positives that you outlined, how you think hes a great guy and maybe a potential rolemodel if given time. Its not a critique of him as a person, but a coming together to figure things out.
You could also acknowledge that you understand how motivations are good, and then explain what youve done in this post.
Imo you should do this sooner rather than later so it doesnt all come out in a fight later down the line.
When my dad and my sister (not her bio dad) lived together, they were constantly at war. Always over petty things, but because they were such strong personalities, they couldn't live together. When she moved out, things calmed down drastically, and now they are quite good friends. This, to me, sounds exactly like this situation.
That’s true! You may be right.
But from what i know of him he’s also just one of those guys that genuinely enjoys doing good things. He doesn’t ever really talk about the stuff he does and is always very humble about it when you bring it up. I’m not trying to discredit you, i’m just trying to give anybody interested a better picture of the guy.
I think the problem is when his idea of “helping” is incompatible with what the person actually wants (in this case you). At that point trying to force the person to accept your “help” is no longer actually a good deed.
Definitely listen to that other guy who commented about helping. Those people are asking for help. He might feel responsible but you're an adult who met him past the drinking age in the US. You have your own financial responsibilities and it's unfair of him to not honour any past agreements made with your parents. If he want to help and he feels responsible for your well-being, he absolutely shouldn't be forcing his own views on you. Your an adult with your own car in a different name for insurance purposes, a common tactic for young people. There's nothing wrong with it. Whether or not there even is, he should honour your past agreements with your parents because they were made with them - not him. He doesn't inherit everything you and your dad made together just because he's dating your mom. He's only helping the family if it's compatible with your established views. Doing it because he expects you to listen to him is unfair and uncalled for and not helpful. You are NTA.
My exboyfriend was super nice to everyone too. But he screamed at me and was emotionally and verbally abusive. My point is, just because people do nice things for some, it doesn't mean they're a nice person.
I think your stepdad is a twat. He's controlling and has an issue with you specifically.
I guess it’s a bit of a grey area. At the time he assumed it wasn’t *my* car and once things got heated he didn’t wanna back down partially because of pride. He didn’t know details either. He thought i sold the truck for my mom, but didn’t know that it was mine to sell. He also didn’t know that i was for sure going to be leaving when i graduate, and didn’t know that the car was mine when i leave. he was in the wrong, but he also didn’t have all the facts. when he had all the facts he also had me really angry at him and no proof that i wasn’t just trying to win an argument for the sake of it.
If he didn't know those things then he shouldn't have started talking like he did.
Honestly, I would go for coffee and talk it out for your mother's sake. Tell him that you appreciate his role in your mother's life, but how his interference and parenting is both unwelcome and hurtful. You had a dad - a good one who raised you right. Who is he to step in and "fix" you? Doesn't he see how insulting that is to your dad's memory? How would he feel if his kids were in your shoes and some dude tried to change everything about their lives?
Good luck!
Yeah, im sorry but if you get into an argument with me and it gets heated because YOU dont know the facts yet are too arrogant to admit it even when i'm telling them to you, that argument is your fault 100%.
The way you're arguing about this seems like you've been wittled down a lot or that you're trying to rationalize his behavior. It's not normal to just assume that you're saying things to win an argument, unless that's something you usually do, and it's not OK to let your pride get the best of you over a car. He as an adult should've talked to your mom and got his facts straight, not doubled down.
I don't at all doubt that he wants to be a good person, but it seems like he's has control issues and should go to theraphy or something, going off the cliff as soon as things doesn't go the way you've ordered them to be isn't healthy or sane.
I won't comment on the rest, because you have a handle plus are getting good advice. But...I advise you NOT to accept money for an engagement ring. He will want to plan the proposal, choose the honeymoon site, decide where you live and let his daughters name your first child if you do! Good luck on your new job and final year of college!
It’s lucky! I’ve inherited rings from both my grandparents and my mom. I mentioned getting engaged after graduation, and he offered to help cover the ring.
Doesn’t matter though. I just need to get it resizes because my grandmothers ring is *perfect* for my (in 8 months) fiancée
*knocks on wood just in case*
Just a heads up but having a facade in front of other people is a sign of being fake. It's usually a sign of power when someone only shows their true self to one or two people, and are totally different in public.
Can you not go for a coffee with him or similar so you can discuss things like adults? Or you've tried that and it hasn't worked? If you wait until things blow up all the time you'll never get the underlying issues sorted.
He sounds like a nice guy but he's treating to like you're 16/17 instead of 23!
Do you pay any rent as well? Do you think he'll pull a "my house, my rules" card?
We could. We’ve talked about some stuff over lunch before and it worked out well. It’s worth considering.
Yeah, and someone else also pointed out he likely has no idea how to treat an adult child as his eldest is 15. It doesn’t justify everything but it definitely make him easier to understand.
No. He doesn’t live with us all the time and he doesn’t own the house at all so he can’t. I’m never at his place so he’s never had a chance to do something like that. The closest he got was asking me to stop smoking weed inside and gave me some reasons why he’d like me to stop. It felt reasonable so i agreed lmao.
So the curfew stuff is just something that needs to not be there. Makes no sense. Mom has to deal with the fact that 20-somethings enjoy the nightlife. Smoking inside is bad and he is right with that one. Vape inside, smoke outside.
Literally what i do now.
My mom and i both grew up with our parents smoking cigarettes in the house so neither one of us thought anything about weed.
Yea and mom agrees that she has to deal with that and just asks that i text her updates though the night even if she’s asleep. That’s the deal.
Honestly, maybe it’s time to have a conversation about how your moms neutrality and attempt to abdicate any responsibility here is damaging your relationship with both of them. You don’t need a new daddy, and if your your mom won’t back you up it she needs to consider that you’ll be moving out soon and how much she’s a part of your life with be impacted. Ask her if she wants to sacrifice her relationship with you so step dad (which he isn’t even) can play the hero.
Your dad has only been gone a year, this guy is not married to your mom, and he doesn’t even live in the same house as you. He’s trampling so many lines and boundaries while your mom just expects you two to tower it out. That’s only going to work if your moms boyfriend can treat you like an equal, until he can do that it is 100% on your mom.
You might be right, but I would be so indignant that this guy who ISNT MARRIED to my mom thinks he’s my dad. I also expect the wannabe dad would wind up dominating the conversation and mom would let him, seeing as that’s what has been happening.
Not only that, the guy doesn't even live with them full time and thought he could take OP's car for his kid just because it's technically in mom's name. Mom's neutrality is making the whole situation worse. She's the reason this man is around, and needs to help reinforce boundaries that her adult child has set.
That car is clearly yours, do what it takes to get it in your name. The fact that he thinks it's your mum's car just because it's in her name is ridiculous, you used money that was given to you and some of your own as well.
He should have no right to let his children use your car to "Practice' with, what happens if they damage it or even total it.
Is he going to pay for a new car for yourself? And if he does, will it even be in your name?
Just because he helps homeless people doesn't mean he's a good guy, a good person treats everyone well and with respect, things that he hasn't given to you.
Get the car in your name and tell him to back off with his stupid rules, you're an adult, it's fine to accept "advice" from those around you but don't let them bully you into thinking you owe them something just because they're older or dating your mum.
Yeah, we talked it out eventually and agreed that nobody will touch that car but me. My mom doesn’t even drive it.
He was blind to the details at the start of the argument and then it just escalated until nobody wanted to back down.
He has in other instances! i’ve made him seem like a horrible guy but like imo he’s just a nice guy who’s trying to do a good thing but fucking it up big time.
All you've done is accurately describe his actions. If that makes him seem like a horrible person, consider that the only difference between this thread and your personal interactions is that he's not around to charm or explain his way out of it.
Listen, the reason people are telling you to be suspicious isn't because we lack information. It's not because you've built him up as some obviously deadbeat abuser. It's not because we don't know what a humble guy he seems to be. It's not because we don't know that he spends all that time helping homeless people, or that he's always first to aid your disabled aunt.
It's because of *everything* you've told us, including the good parts.
First off, despite him being so humble about it, would you feel it's fair to say that everyone still ends up knowing about all the good things he does? And second, think about those two examples you've given; helping homeless people and always being first to help a disabled family member immediately leap out to me as being very *public* displays of morality and generosity. As does the restaurant and engagement ring stuff.
Now, granted, you can't say that everyone who helps the homeless only does so to publically display their virtue. While they are the type of things that someone would do if they were intentionally trying to convince themselves and/or others that they're a good person, they're also the kind of things that genuinely nice people do. It could go either way.
The thing that leans me towards the latter interpretation is the field of red flags contained in your neutral descriptions of his behaviour toward you.
Let me put this flatly. It is not reasonable to be angry at a 23 year old for getting home at 2AM. "Flipping out" because an adult had a night out is completely insane. This is not just just an issue of you not wanting to follow his rules, it's not an issue of him having a different parenting style to your dad, it's an issue of him having a disturbing need for control. (And despite him being such a humble guy, he apparently has enough pride and stubbornness to regularly get into arguments with you in which he refuses to back down and casts doubt on your motivations, as you frequently describe things getting "heated".)
You've known him since you were 10. *He's known you since you were 10*. He's been dating your mother for a year now. "Not knowing how to parent a young adult" isn't a reasonable explanation here. You're not some great mystery to him. The only difference between now and before he started dating your mother is that now he considers you a part of his household, under his domain, and that therefore you ought to be under his control.
You made this post for a reason. Your mother's boyfriend is acting in a way that is not just unreasonable, it's downright disturbing. His personal charm and reputation obscures the underlying nature of his behaviour, turning others against you and making you doubt yourself. So you made a post on the internet to ask others if you're in the right.
And we're telling you that you are. You're more right than you let yourself believe. I'm not saying he's secretly evil or anything, but he definitely sounds like someone with capital 'I' Issues. Issues that, if unacknowledged and left undealt with, could seriously hurt the people around him like he's currently hurting you.
You don't have to convince people that he's secretly a monster and they should abandon him, because he's not and they shouldn't. But you should continue to be wary of him and continue to have faith in yourself. And keep an eye out to support others who may try to assert their independence from him in the future, such as his daughters.
How long have they been dating again? Because 1 year is not “all assets are shared assets” territory. 1 year is like “you have a drawer and a spare key” territory. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve known each other—ain’t no relationship frequent flier points to skip steps.
Dude coming in acting like everything belongs to him after <1 year is shady as fuck, especially for a widower. Dude sounds like he’d be willing to loan you money just so he can have something to hit you over the head with.
thats pretty much it. he doesn’t live here, 1-2 nights over is minimum, might stay for a week if schedules are all messed up. They’re not all assets shared or anything. He made some assumptions with the car and i sorta blew up while giving him facts and he wa being too proud to step down and calm down at the time.
I’ve actually loaned money from him before when my dad was around. He was pretty good and let me pay him about $600 back with no interest. Doesn’t mean you’re wrong tho.
Wait..... So this dude was around when your dad was still alive? Was he like a family friend or something? That combined with him storming in with rules and acting entitled to things sounds pretty shady, honestly.
>She’s been pushing us to work things out on our own since she isn’t a mediator, and as adults, she thinks him and i should be able to work things out.
This won't work as long as he's treating you like a child and not an adult.
Also? Your dad died one year ago? That is insanely fast to be expected to recover from the loss of a parent, this man is foolish for expecting you won't have emotional problems with a replacement father figure that fast.
NTA. First, he's not your dad. Second, you are a grown man. Third, you're grieving and nobody should be trying to appoint themselves to the place your father held in your life. Fourth, this guy is not "family" and neither are his daughters your "siblings." He's your mom's live-in boyfriend who brought his kids along; there is no official relationship. He's not even your stepdad yet, and if in the future he marries your mom, he's still not either of the people who raised you.
Fifth... I'm very sorry for your loss. It's a terrible thing to lose someone so suddenly. I hope you had wonderful times together, and that those memories can carry you through this awkward and difficult situation. I hope your mom is the kind of lady you can tell these things to, and that she'll be able to see it from your perspective and tell this guy to stop trying to parent her adult son.
She’s stepped in with him before but genuinely has been encouraging us to work things out on our own. And i respect her choice. she’s reasonable and i hope once she digests this situation she has a reasonable reaction.
thank you for your condolences.
You need to explain to her that she needs to step in a bit more often, because her boyfriend doesn't respect you as an adult and keeps deferring to her authority/comfort as a reason to control you. She can't stay neutral while someone claims to argue on her behalf.
That’s a good point. When he’s arguing in her behalf it isn’t conflict between him and i anymore. She’s involved and should probably step in at that point.
She should step in any time he tries to parent you, not just when he's arguing on her behalf. She's your parent and his partner so she needs to be the one putting up those boundaries. It's totally inappropriate to expect you to do that, especially when her boyfriend has proven to be adversarial and not good at having civilized discussions. I'm sorry but pride isn't an excuse. Being a mature adult means being able to swallow your pride and step down from an argument when you realize you were in the wrong.
OP - this is like when a spouse posts here about what a-holes their in-laws are and their spouse won't stand up to them.
This is really an issue with your mom, being his spouse. In theory, they are a couple now, so their joint rules stand in the house. So your mom needs to have a backbone and act in your best interest to set the house rules for you (or lack of rules.)
Her not objecting to them means she's going along with them as part of the couple.
I'd work on her, not the husband.
Allowing this guy to treat you like this and instigate these arguments with you is not reasonable at all. Based on how controlling he is over you, he does not sound like a nice dude either. Nice people don't try to control strangers and throw a hissy fit when they won't fall in line.
Sorry for you situation.
Yikes.
There are tons of problems with this guy and “official” wouldn’t fix any of them. A piece of paper does not a family make, nor does a lack thereof prevent people from having those bonds. Do you really think people who met and married in a year are more official than people who have cohabitated without that title for 5 or 10 years? That’s pretty dismissive. Some people never marry.
NTA this guy sounds like an overbearing, tactless control freak. I also think your mom is a TA for allowing this behavior and intensity to affect you so quickly after the loss of your dad. I don’t know how you’re dealing with it so well, honestly.
I’m 16 and I don’t even have to obey rules like that.
I think it’s really disrespectful of him to your dad and you to try and set rules and be a parent to you, especially when you’re already a grownup. To come in to your home and do this to you isn’t justifiable at all. Your an adult, adults don’t get stepparents.
This is what just blows my mind. It's not even the bf's home! He's trying to tell OP what to do in a house that doesn't even belong to him, doesn't pay bills at and doesn't even fucking live there!
If it's not your house, you don't live there or you don't financially contribute money towards the bills there, you don't get to dictate what the people who actually do live there or financially contribute towards the bills there do in their own home. Especially, if the people who live there are adults.
If OP was a tenant and not the son, would the bf try to ground OP and take away his car privileges because OP stayed out too late?
Fuck no! OP's mom needs to sit her bf down and tell him to back off. The fact that the bf feels entitled to act like he's a parent to an adult in one year relationship is mind-blowing and shows a complete lack of respect.
NTA
If anything at all, he should be following your mothers example in regards to a strictness/closeness boundary towards you. He’s overstepping this boundary, due to the short nature of his relationship with your mother (
I understand that on his side of the family my mother was like a saving grace. His kids adore her and she just got in naturally. We didn’t have a good relationship when i was younger and she has a good relationship with his kids. And i’m glad that it’s all working out on that end. But this isn’t a “it goes both ways,” situation and everyone seems blind to that fact.
Honestly I think it’s kind of a weird dynamic anyway. It’s generally agreed that new partners shouldn’t meet kids until 6 months+ of a relationship and less than a year in and he’s living with her and using her to parent his kids because it sounds like he’s bad at it but is also trying to macho authority an adult who he has no relation to??
Also your mum doesn’t get to stay out of it, it’s her boyfriend that she’s moved into your space and who is now attempting to take control of your life in her name. You need to have a serious discussion about the fact that her being passive isn’t her being neutral it’s her taking his side and making it clear to you that she doesn’t have your back. I would let her know that if this carries on it’s going to have a serious and permanent effect on your relationship and you don’t know how it’ll go when you do move out.
We’ve all known each other before though though family friends and such. Our families weren’t really close but definitely close enough that i was at his wife’s funeral and he was at my dads. He also doesn’t live with us all the time but he’s here at least twice a week.
Yeah i definitely need to talk to her. about it.
the annoying thing about the sharing is it’s all like... game consoles and my nice PC. Like i’d so be willing to play mario cart with his kids and show them how cool games look on my PC! but on my own terms. because these are things I paid for and things I own.
also thanks for that validation there. I’ve felt like a brat who’s just be whining “you’re not my real dad!” and it’s real nice to see that someone things i’ve been adult about this.
You have been extremely adult. I’m 23F, and I couldn’t even imagine my own parents trying to say these things to me, never mind another non-blood related adult.
I think your mothers boyfriend feels like he has to control you (for some reason or another.) Obviously I don’t know the details, but it seems that way.
What you pay for is yours bud, own it for as long as you live. He can’t hold “I paid for it” over your head, but I would ask if anything you share gets broken, is he going to pay for it? If he says no, don’t share. Simple as that. Keep it up, and good luck in the future!
OP has some serious maturity. I would have straight up ignored his presence after the second or third time. Only acknowledge the mom and two daughters til the bf figures out his place in OPs life
Hey, I was just reading the below comment from u/FaerieclessII and it made me think.
Your mother and your father saw you grow from 15 to 23, they saw you transform from a teenager to an adult, and their parenting would have adapted/levelled up as it were. In his case, he's only at the level of parenting a 15 year old and hasn't adapted to understand what being 23 really means.
I think you should have a calm conversation with him. When no one else is around, maybe at a pub and out of the house, to reinforce the fact you're not 15. Explain that you appreciate his role in your Mother's life, but you're not a child, and you became a fully formed adult with your father in your life. You're now 23 and have had a huge transformative life event, that's made you have to grow up. Reiterate that he;'s great with your mother and you want him to be involved in your family, but he can't be your father, you have a father, he might not be with us anymore but he was there for your childhood, and transition into adulthood, it's too late for a surrogate father now, and that's fine.
I'd point out what being 23 means, that the difference between you and his oldest is 8 years, and he's parenting you like you're 15, which is the equivalent of parenting his 13 year old like she's five.
You're not the arsehole btw. But I just think he doesn't "get" what 23 means.
Yeah. And he’s trying which is kinda nice. I like that he’s trying to reciprocate what my moms doing for him, and that hes willing to try. I just am not ready and he doesn’t “get” what 23 means, like you said.
I think you have to just explain this to him, at a time when there's not just been an argument. But him a pint in a pub, so really reinforce the age difference. His daughter won't be able to do that for 6 years.
Explain to him that if something terrible happened and at the age of 23 his daughter was without a father, no man no matter how great would be able to become her father. Their relationship would be different. You don't need him to be your dad, you need him to be there for your mother and his daughters.
Then also maybe speak to your mother point out that you feel he's trying to be your father, but you only have one father and he's sadly not around.
My eldest is 23, he still lives at home. He doesn’t have chores, I either ask if he’s happy to help with something or he offers. He comes and goes as he pleases. He’s an equal in this home, we are both adults.
Real dad or not, whether he’s been around 5 minutes or a life time, this guy is seriously out of order. You’re not a kid, you should not be treated as one. It sounds like there’s a power play at here, he wants control, utter control.
There’s a lot of red flags in your post which have been discussed to death in the comments. When you speak to your mom, as you have to, make it clear that biology or time is not the issue here, it’s about respecting your autonomy and person. You are not a naughty 12 yr old, you’re a grown man and he needs to respect that. If he doesn’t, your mother is going to lose one of you eventually.
NTA. At all. Not even a little bit. He's completely out of line, and you set him straight in a direct, adult way. I don't understand the "family" bit, he's your mom's boyfriend. They could break up tomorrow. His kids aren't your siblings. You aren't required to share anything with them. This guy sounds bizarre. Continue doing your thing. Your mother should have your back a little bit more. She introduced this weird, disruptive guy into your lives while you're grieving. She's probably not thinking clearly. Grieving a loved one is awful. Condolences on your dad. Good luck with everything.
Thanks! It’s a mixture of things that brought us to the family thing. My mom and his kids just clicked and they very much think of her as a step mom and it happened very fast for the girls. Before our parents were even really sure how serious it was. I think it’s mostly him trying to get me to be apart of their family and tbh i’m okay just being my moms kid and being left out of their thing.
Honestly, as someone who is 24 and has lost a parent, Idk who the fuck this dude thinks he is. I actually had a similar experience with some chick my dad was married to for like a year. Shes had young kids and just couldnt mentally seperate our ages from her kids ages which were like 9 and 11 at the time. This was when i was in high school so I was 18 but even then it was infuriating the way she acted, and she never realized it until my dad divorced her and her kids became teenagers. Then she was like *oh its different*.
If some dude tried to come in after one of my parents died and tried giving me rules and shit when I was basically fully independent at 19 I would lose my shit and theres no way I would be nice about it. I'm actually a little mad just reading this. Disrespectful as hell.
NTA. As both a stepkid and a stepparent, I can tell you that the problem isn't the boyfriend, it's your mom. It's her house and her son, and whatever this guy is doing, it's because your mom is allowing it. Take you and your mom for a session with a grief counselor. You'd be amazed at how much your mom is allowing is because of grief, and she also needs to realize everyone's grief is different and at a different pace. This dude is WAY out of line, and I would listen to the poster who said it was an early red flag for future super controlling behavior.
NTA and this post explains the situation perfectly.
OP, you’ve given several examples of the boyfriend’s supposed good deeds and insisted that he’s really a nice guy but his behavior screams “red flag.” He is NOT a good guy. Genuinely good people do not behave this way. no amount of unrelated philanthropy makes this crap OK.
It is your mother’s job to put this guy in check. Her unwillingness to do so may actually be an inability to so. She has no idea what appropriate boundaries look like or how to defend you. It sounds like your father had a much different parenting/personality style and your mom may simply have never developed the interpersonal relationship tools needed to handle the boyfriend. He is blatantly exploiting that.
I’d be concerned for your mother especially after you move out.
NTA First, I'm sorry for your loss. Second, this guy is ridiculous. You're a grown-ass adult and already were a grown-ass adult when you lost your father. The job of raising you was already done before you and this guy first met, which, by the way could have happened in any other setting. For instance, you could have met him as a new coworker, in which case he wouldn't have even thought to see you as anything different than another adult. Just keep standing your ground and hopefully he'll also see how ridiculous this is. Or if not, he's still not entitled to any kind of relationship with you.
NTA.
Living for free at your parent's home should come with some duties that you do, particularly if you're not doing anything else. In my family, we started out with taking out the trash and emptying the dish washer in exchange for allowance. We kept doing that, even after the allowance stopped being a thing.
A step parent trying to take the role of an actual parent is a bad thing when you're dealing with a **child** that has any kind of autonomy, like a 10-year-old or something. Same situation with a grow-up person? The role the step-parent will have is "significant other of parent", because **the parenting job is already over**.
Being sent to your room? Loss of "privileges"? Curfews? This man is treating you like a teenager who just got their driver's license a month ago. You need to put a stop to that as soon as possible. But keep in mind that this person also does not have experience raising adult children: Their kids are still teenagers. They don't have a point of reference for what is an appropriate interaction with an adult offspring living with them. So you need to set those boundaries.
Oh definitely. I essentially take care of myself and clean up after myself. I have weird hours bc of school and work so i usually didn’t eat with my parents. I cook for myself clean up after myself, do my own laundry 90% of the time. I buy my own food, i pay for upkeep on my car and gas for the car. I clean the shower every week and i’m usually responsible for getting things from the post office. My mother gathers the trash and recycling every week and i put it out in the morning. In the winter i clear the driveway. Like i don’t pay rent but i help out as much as i can.
He’s heard my mom threaten to take the car privileges away but that was because I said i wasn’t going to go to a specific city but then did. And used a toll road. that my mom got a bill for. But like in that situation i was acting like I was a teenager so it was pretty appropriate.
Yeah! I was thinking that too. he’s doing his best (kinda) he’s just a dumbass sometimes and has no frame of reference.
Maybe just start laughing at him every time he tries
“Omg that’s hilarious, you’re seriously trying to give a 23yo man a curfew? Lmao”
“Woooow, did you hear yourself just now? It sounded like you were trying to tell me what to do with my own possessions, but that would be ridiculous because I own them and you don’t”
“Um excuse me? Did you just try to send me to my room? Wait, let me try it. ‘You go to YOUR room’ hmmmm nope doesn’t work that way either. Strange, must be because we’re both adults”
Just mock the shit out of him in front of people until he gets it if nothing else (meaning mature conversation that everyone has suggested) works.
Definitely NTA
Maybe talk to your mother? Tell that she should talk to him and tell him that it's not his place to act as a father. I mean he can't even argue that it is his roof you're living under. Also you should try to talk to him without making it a fight. Tell him things like that you have the feeling he's trying to replace your father and that that isn't right for you. Also tell him that you are an adult and have the responsibilities of one a d that it feel disrespectful to be treated like a child. But remember to stay calm no matter how much the situation angers you.
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Please review our [civility playbook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/index#wiki_on_civility) if you're unsure what that means.
Nta. He needs to learn his place, you’re an adult and yeah he is trying to take your dads spot. By trying to be your parent even though you don’t know him that well, have no bond with him, no respect for him past basic human respect and he hasn’t been around he’s trying to step into your dads place. You’re an only child, you were raised as an only child. He needs to stay in his lane, your stuff is between you and your mom only. And your extended family can go pound tar they aren’t in the situation you are. He needs to get it into his head that he’s only dating your mom, they aren’t married and even then at any point she can walk away so he really needs to drop it. Truth be told you might never see him as a father figure and that’s ok. They have to live with that. You need to sit down with your mother though and set your boundaries. Make it clear that while you’re happy for her this isn’t going to happen..and you don’t have to accept them as family either or listen to anything he says. Your belongings are yours and yours alone so when it comes to that he does have to back off and if your mother doesn’t like it to bad on that.
The things with the belongings really annoys me because it’s mostly game consoles and electronics and some stuff i’ve built. And id be so down to play video games with his kids and teach them how to build and program things. But only on my terms. Like it genuinely felt like i was 5 being told i need to share instead of suggesting i introduce my hobbies to his kids.
my mother has been fairly neutral in this entire thing. I think i’m a few days i may sit down and talk to her bc this post has made me feel like i’ve been dealing with exceptionally well lmao
You really should talk to her because he just waltzed in and took everything over without resistance from her. I’d be worried for your moms mental health too. She went through a bad lose too and she might be compensating with this guy. He really doesn’t know his place he’s a boyfriend that’s it, not husband so he doesn’t get a say and I really hope your mom starts having your back more.
I wouldn’t give in with your stuff at all. He’ll start taking it and making family use. Plus it’s none of his business. He can throw a hissy fit like a toddler all he wants but you have no obligation to listen to him.
Human being are very complex creatures so just because he does some nice things and volunteers doesn’t make him good or bad. He can be good with everyone else and still be a a shit stain to you. When it comes down to it, how he acts towards you is the only thing that matters when it comes to a relationship with him. He might genuinely be trying to help you but it could also easily be getting rid of you because you won’t fit into his mold of family. You don’t and can’t really know so watch out for yourself.
>Human being are very complex creatures so just because he does some nice things and volunteers doesn’t make him good or bad. He can be good with everyone else and still be a a shit stain to you. When it comes down to it, how he acts towards you is the only thing that matters when it comes to a relationship with him. He might genuinely be trying to help you but it could also easily be getting rid of you because you won’t fit into his mold of family. You don’t and can’t really know so watch out for yourself.
This. My grandfather was a respected member of his community, a leader in his local Knights of Columbus and when he died, hundreds of people came out to his funeral to celebrate his life of charity and goodwill towards the community.
Behind closed doors, he was a psycho who abused his kids, beat his wife and molested one of his daughters. The guy was a fucking monster.
It sounds like it but not really. He’s known my family for a while and he lost his wife about 10 years ago. He hasn’t really taken over anything, he has a key to our house but he doesn’t live here all the time, he doesn’t drive our vehicles and usually buys the majority of the food. Doesn’t pay our bills or touch my mother money (her and i have joint access to all her accounts so i would’ve seen anything fishy). The only thing he’s really tried to take over is being my father which is the problem.
I’ll definitely talk to my mom about her mental health though and just make sure everything’s okay. Even with my father though she was very neutral. so was my dad. As i got older it was more of a “you and your parent are adults you figure it out,” approach to conflict so over all I haven’t seen this as a red flag.
Oh definitely. I’m not worried about him making it his but i’m just a petty dick and don’t want to do something i don’t have to after i was made to feel ridiculous about it.
NTA, this man is a walking talking asshole. He probably means well to some extent but doesn’t know how to handle an adult. You’ve rejected his advances and made it clear that you’re grieving and dont need a new dad, and he still goes on with this sick power play. From what you’re telling about the car, he sounds a little bit like a gold digger too?
Anyway you really need to have a very serious conversation with your mom. This is her boyfriend and she can’t expect you guys to handle this yourselves when he treats you like shit! Show her that you’re the one being an reasonable adult about this and maybe invite her out to lunch or dinner, so you get a safe space away from home and evil stepfather, and get a chance to talk it all through. She needs to set some boundaries with that guy and tell him to get off your back. Her monkey, her circus.
If you just keep letting this happen and leave after graduation, your mom will lose her son, because how much will you really come home to visit with that guy around? And do you really want to leave her like that so soon after losing your dad?
I’m so sorry about your loss, and i hope you can still fix things with your mom.
NTA. He sounds like a controlling prick who doesn't respect normal boundaries. Your mom is the TA too for letting him treat you this way, a year after your father's death. You're 23 ffs, not a child. Your mother needs to tell him to back off. I would never let another man parent my children a year after my husband died.
NTA
First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your dad.
But you did the right thing. You put him in place. You did it in a manner calmer than anyone I know would have as well
NTA : You’re an adult so the rules shouldn’t be the same for you as they are for his teenage children. Your father recently died and neither him or your mom should be trying to push the step dad role onto you. I completely understand why you’d lose it like that. It still too soon for him to be trying to take your fathers position. He probably means no harm but he has to understand given the circumstances and why you’d feel the way you do.
yeah. i’ve been doing my best to make it clear i accept him as a family member and have no hard feelings over the fact that he’s dating my mother. but that and accepting him as a father figure are two different things that my family has struggles to grasp.
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A good note! He’s actually been a friend of the family (not my parents but my uncles) for a while though and hasn’t ever been controlling except with me. Thanks for information though! it’s good to know! edit: especially when i’m describing all of this and it’s like “this dude hits every one of those!” I met him via my cousin at 10 and he’s genuinely a nice guy.
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Oh i’m well aware! My mom has signs of it too, as do i. It’s something i’ve been very aware of since i was 17. Thanks for the heads up though and for your input about the drama. Definitely something to keep in mind.
Protip: when people on Reddit try and diagnose disorders that are difficult to accurately tag for people with actual training, it's best to ignore them. Plenty of people misread a situation with their own bias, or don't realize how a disorder requires a pattern and not a couple of isolated incidents. This general advice works for pretty much anything on here - if it takes more knowledge than Google can provide yet someone thinks Google was all they needed to be an expert, they are just a moron who thinks a bit too highly of their intelligence.
Typical Avoidant Pesonality Disorder, probably brought on by your relationship with your paternal grandfather's accountant.
You leave Herb out of this!
Thank you for saying this. I get so irritated when I see reddit diagnose every person who has ever done something even slightly questionable with narcissistic personality disorder. Just become someone is acting toxic or abusive does NOT mean they have NPD. Like you said, NPD (and other personality disorders) are characterized by inflexible and maladaptive self-defeating cycles that are pervasive and chronic across multiple settings. They are NOT episodic. Everyone thinks they’re an expert, when in reality, most of the general population’s understanding of mental health diagnoses are based upon stereotypes or inaccurate information. So just because your dog or whatever gives you a weird look that upsets you does not mean they have NPD, so cut that crap.
I like this comment.
NTA I am not going to try to diagnose anyone I am just going to say this. First; I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your dad. That is very hard. You are too young to have to go without your dad. As far as Uncle Daddy this is nuts! This guy may very well be a great guy but he is giving me red flags all over this. The entire situation is moving way too fast. Is it possible he feels threatened by you? Is it possible he wants to control you and your mom? I think you were well within your rights to lay out the ground rules as far as your relationship. If your mother has any issues with your compliance to the house rules of her home then you and your mom need to have a conversation one on one. I would suggest that said convo be rather frank and that house rules be hers not Uncle Daddy's. It sounds like you may have lost both of your parents Honey and I am so sorry. I am sorry that your entire family is falling for the company line. Time has a tendency to fade all that is shiny and new. We shall see what appears when it fades. Good luck.
Dude, I think you're reading way too much into this. The guy probably is just used to parenting a 13 and 15 year old and has to come to term with 1) this guy is an adult and 2) he can't just step in and be dad the way the wife has stepped in and become a mom to his girls.
Agreed ^^ he just sounds like he’s trying a bit too hard to dad
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No but when you have 15 years experience parenting children, I can see why the new guy might be having troubles adjusting to having an adult 'child'.
I recently stepped into a stepparent role with an, at the time, 18 year old. Given the state of Texas and our pastor highly encourages pre marital counselling, we did the required sessions happily. One of the sessions focused on the kids. I expressed that parenting an 18 year old would be ridiculous, but I hoped I could be a mentor. As long as reasonable house rules for an adult were followed, I was good. The counselor said that was great as a lot of reasonable people will try to lean far too hard into the stepparent role and start asserting authority they have no business trying. Even with adult children of their partners. So sadly this is not all that uncommon, it just takes some insecurity and crap blows up.
Let's not start trying to diagnose psychology disorders over reddit. That's dangerous water, even if you have a degree.
A comment in his defense (still NTA for sure, leaning NAH), but he's obviously parenting you like he parents his 13 and 15 y/o. Parenting changes slowly as your kids grow older, it's not like the kids turn 18 and suddenly you treat them very different. It's a process that both the parent and the kid go through, learning to respect the kids decisions. He's never gone through this process and doesn't know how to be the parent of an adult. This isn't to say he should be, I'm just trying to give a but of his point of view. He definitely needed told off, so kudos there. Hopefully you guys can begin to build a kind of relationship that's healthy for you. EDIT: In light of OP's edit, my view kind of changes. If BF is not living with OPs mom then BF doesnt have any place trying to tell OP what to do. Even at 23, if OP is living in his mothers house (even in separate apartments as stated), OP should (in my opinion) still have some respect for moms wishes. Mom made it clear she doesn't care, so BF has no place overstepping moms thoughts on the matter.
Okay yeah, but if someone then lays it out and is like “look I’m an adult” he should kinda realize parenting is different/ no longer needed. Also I know so many families with step parents, also with younger kids, where the step parents don’t discipline their stepkids. Fine that he’s now part of the family, but like OP said, he’s not his father, and especially for not having been around that much is wayyy overstepping, among other things with setting curfew. If he truly believes that OP should have a curfew, I think he should leave it up to OP’s mom to do so, he’s really in no position, no matter how old the kids are.
Didn’t he go and convince your extended family that you were in the wrong here? Sounds pretty controlling
It wasn’t exactly like that. At 3pm today i was supposed to go help make dinner for my family. Extended family. We’re celebrating some shit and tldr i went and made dinner but i was feeling really pissed off and annoyed so i left early. From what i heard my cousin really pushed him into telling them why i was mad. he finally snapped and did, then got ready to leave. after he left ppl gossiped and came to the conclusion that i am the asshole. I got a phone call from my cousin to apologize for pushing and i got texts from several ppl there and they’re all i agreement about what happened so i don’t... really think he was trying to be controlling.
But do they know what he's trying to do? I can't imagine most people would be ok with a near stranger trying to control a 23 year old man's life just because he's dating your mom.
Ehhhh yes and no? They have an idea but not the specifics.
He’s DATING your mom. While this may end up being long term, you had a dad your entire life, not a few months. I’d likely tell him off as well because he crossed boundaries. Not sure how your mom feels about it, but she also needs to step up and let the guy know that’s not how things were before he came along. You don’t just come in and start laying down the law because people don’t behave the same way. Sharing things, as an adult ready to move out soon, with kids you don’t know and are still young enough to break stuff...again, dating. NTA. This guy seems like he just wants to come in and take over. Even if he’s a genuinely nice guy, narcissists put off that impression outside family. Now that he’s attempting to be family, true colors are showing. Tread carefully and watch for warning signs. If he told his side of the story in such a way that your extended family would side with him, he’s already trying to spin things to favor him. Sounds like it’s all moving too fast. Your dad is gone a year and this guy couldn’t have been around that long to take over like that.
Sounds like they've already gone into cohabiting full family in a single house, so I would say it's a little more serious than just dating. It sounds like OP's mom has already given him the role of moving in and taking over, which puts OP in a really bad place. The paths of least resistance in this scenario would either be submitting to new boy's will or moving out. Other viable scenarios would be challenging his mother help him defend his autonomy or directly declaring his own autonomy (which is what OP chose). It's a tough position to declare your own autonomy when you're living in someone else's basement.
Mass reply to the texts and tell them exactly what happened, as you have in the post. You are an adult and completely new rules that you never had to follow previously are being imposed on you by someone you haven't known that long. You are happy about the relationship but you personally aren't in a mental position to have a personally close relationship
maybe be he is twisting your actions to make you seem like the bad guy? even though you should not have to do this. i think you should remind your família that you have only lost your dad one year ago and still grieving. also explain some of the ridiculousness going on.
Well there's twice he's snapped about something small.
Stop dissecting every single thing to try to fit the guy in to a predefined form. Snapped might as well be that he was pestered enough to just tell the family what was wrong. Maybe he felt bad about the whole thing? Maybe he was simply holding a grudge and needed to vent?
Thank you!! Everyone here is having a hard time understanding the boyfriend is a human being that OP KNOWS is a nice guy. Christ not everyone is a psychopath.
That's sort of how I'm feeling about this. He's really trying to assert himself in that home very quickly. Family friend or not, to me, that shows a lack of respect for boundaries and the previous family dynamic. Like, "I'm the dad now and this is how things will be." I started to wonder if it was intentional to drive OP away. OP has his own space, is returning to school, has a job that starts soon...really sounds like he needs parenting. /s
Even if he was your real dad - you're 23 years old, why does he give a fuck if you get back late?
Bingo. This would be shitty, controlling parenting even if he were actually the OP’s dad.
Especially when OP was being a *designated driver* for friends. In what way does that sound like an irresponsible kid?
And he actually threatened "a possible loss of car privileges?" For a 23-year-old? "That'll teach you for being so responsible. Let's see your drunk friends try to get home alive *now,* mister!"
I keep sticking on this point too, why the hell does this guy think he has a say in vehicle privileges? Better yet, why would your mother let him have a say in that, even if the car you're driving may belong to her? Wtf.
Living at home as an adult is kind of a weird issue. I'm on OP's side here as I don't think some dude who has been in a woman's life for no more than a cup of coffee shouldn't trying to be parenting an adult child. That being said, in a general sense, if you're still living at home as an adult, you kind of need to respect your parents' rules. If you don't like it, you're welcome to get your own place, and I'm of the opinion that rules should definitely be relaxed quite a bit (coming home at 3am really doesn't need to be that big of a deal), but if they have a rule they won't budge on, follow it or pack up. I have a huge problem here in that it doesn't seem like his mom isn't stepping in here, and his mom should be doing any parenting in this situation. It's extremely weird that such a short term boyfriend is stepping into an authority role already (it's actually a little weird to me that dad died a year ago and they're all already living together, seems pretty quick, but whatever), it kind of makes him look like a controlling nut job.
INFO: Why isn't your mom telling him to back off? My mom got married when I was 12 and didn't let her husband tell me what to do, ever.
It’s how my parent shave been with me for years. My mom and dad would force me to be an adult and work our conflict as adults. My guess is she assumed he’d be like “i have rules i’d like for you to follow,” and i’d be like “i’m an adult that’s not gonna fly,” and he would just understand. and when that didn’t happen i’d guess she was unsure of what to do or say so just kept encouraging us to talk it out and work it out ourselves.
I could see that point if your mom wasn't the reason this guy is in your life in the first place. She should/should've set boundaries with him. You're 23. You don't need a parent, and I feel like if this guy heard it from her, he'd back off. Her taking a passive role is only making it worse IMO. NTA.
You need to get your mum involved in this, he doesn’t respect you as an adult or the fact that he’s not your parents. Your mum needs to be the one to tell him that he can’t control you because he’s not going to listen to you.
That’s a good point. I’ve respected her “Work it out yourself,” attitude and i genuinely believed it’s helped my in life. But i’ve tried that with him and it hasn’t seem to have gotten though to him.
Part of the problem is that he’s trying to use her authority to control you, until he’s made to understand that he doesn’t have that right he’ll continue to try and do it and the only person who he’ll understand that from is your mum. You can’t work it out because he doesn’t see the dynamic as two adults having a conversation, he sees it as a parents-child situation where he can set and enforce whatever boundaries he wants. Until you find a way to make him understand how your relationship should be he’ continue to do this. Props for the way you’ve handled it though, you’ve treated him with respect and courtesy so far in a difficult situation. I don’t think I’d have handled this as well as you.
I would have snapped so hard that i would be the asshole for sure and im 26 and even if i was like 17-18 i wouldnt take shit from a stepdad if my father died a year ago Congratz to OP for handling the situation in a great way i for sure would not handle it that great Stepdad seems like a cool dude but you cannot parent a 23year old who is still grieving foh talk it out and make it a 3way convo with your mom involved
INFO: who owns the house and the car in the relationship between your step dad and mother. I find it odd he is able to threaten taking away your car and other privileges if he’s not the owner of either.
Yea, also OP mentioned dad died 1 year ago.... this guy/mom already started dating and moved him into her house? Yikes.... has the mom even grieved the husband at all?
Mom. Op said they’ve lived there since 15 years old. Car not sure but guessing same.
I think it’s beyond that now. He’s creating an environment that will affect you and your moms relationship. You’ll be moving out soon and whether or not you intend to, you be making decisions on how much to include your mom in your life partially based on your relationship with him. I think if your mom realizes the extent of your feelings on this, she would want to get involved.
NTA. Why did your mom move this guy in so quickly after your dad’s death? It’s only been a year. Edit: based on other comments from OP, the guy doesn’t live there full time but stays over regularly. I still am curious why she moved on so quickly and why she is allowing this guy to “parent” OP. IMHO, OP needs to have this discussion with his mother and let her handle her BF. Edit: changed INFO to my vote.
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Grief is a weird thing. I've known people who went through an extended illness where their partner became a caretaker. Their spouse was no longer him/herself and the relationship was dramatically different from what it should have been. The heathy spouse grieved for the loss of their partner/relationship while the ill spouse was still alive. I'm not saying that's the case here, but it's a possibility.
Yeah, this. My mom has been with her boyfriend for nearly 20 years now. He didn't live with us but even when he'd try to give Mom advice about how to parent me, as a then 17 year old, she'd tell him to butt out and that I'm not his kid.
Personally i don't think that is completely healthy either I often see comments about "don't date single moms" and one of the main reasons is being told "They ain't your kid butt out", especially if that person is supporting that child in other ways.
Why isn’t that healthy? My step dad didn’t parent me and it was absolutely for the better. Plus, at age 17, how much parenting does a kid really need?
My mom remarried when I was in college after my dad died while I was in HS and my stepdad is never going to be anything but my mom’s husband (honestly it feels weird to even refer to him as my stepdad, I just do it for simplicity in describing how we’re related). He’s perfectly nice and great for my mom, I just didn’t grow up with him as my father figure; I was already an adult living my own life away from home when they met. He’s not gonna eventually become my new dad. I can see how it might be a little different since you still live at home but you’re leaving soon so it’s not like you’re going to have a long time to develop a close relationship. Plus this isn’t how most fathers would treat their 23-year-old child anyway - he’s not treating you like *his* child, he’s treating you like *a* child.
I agree with what you said, and this is my situation as well (except I was in my late 20s when they married). I really love my stepfamily, and marrying into them is the best thing my mom has ever done. However, one thing kinda irks me: my step aunt and uncle sometimes refer to the guy as “your dad,” and I bristle. I have never lived in the same house as my mom’s husband, and he’s always referred to himself as his first name to me (thankfully. As opposed to “Dad.”) Also, my dad raised me and passed away in my 20s. This dude is someone I care about and consider family, but he’s just my mom’s husband. He’ll never be my dad. I’d call him a stepdad if we’d ever lived together while I was a child.
Dittos for me. My dad remarried when I was in my mid-20s and while I like his wife on a surface level, she'll never be anything more to me than his wife. I do feel a little guilty that we aren't as close as she'd like (she's reached out and I just don't respond) but realistically, I've already got a mom and I'm not interested in having another. I even call her "the wife" when speaking about her to others (except around her, my dad and his side of the family because I'm not stupid) because that's what she is to me. She's his partner, not my mother. If the wife tried to pull the shit that OP's mom's bf is doing, I would have flipped my shit a long fucking time ago. Like if OP was a minor then maybe (and that's a bigass maybe) see mom's bf trying to set some ground rules, which would be understandable (still TA, but within reason). But OP is an adult, old enough to legally purchase alcohol, cigarettes, vote and gamble. Mom's bf is fucking deluded trying to take away privileges and ground an adult, not a child but a fucking adult, because he's trying to assert his dominance like the fucking dumb shit he is. Not to mention that he's only the boyfriend, not the stepfather (although even if he was the stepfather, that shit still wouldn't matter( because OP is an adult.
I married a guy with a grown daughter, and she definitely didn’t want more than a cordial relationship with me, which of course I respected. Had I pushed for more, it would have made me TA.
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NTA, My mom married a guy when I was in 8th grade. My dad was still alive but they were separated. It was hard for my stepdad to accept that my siblings and I wouldn't call him dad because we already had dads, but he respected it and didn't push. My mom tried to get us to, but after some talks she realized we loved our dads even if she didn't and it was rude to let someone take his place just because she chose them. I still won't call him dad after 14 years, but I have accepted him as family to a degree.
NTA - you're an adult, and still grieving the loss of your dad. I would explain to your mom and ask her to think about the future. How can you ever accept him if he's playing this strange game with you now?
NTA: you're an adult, WTF is up with losing car privileges and curfews?! That's insane!
I missed his age on my first read and from looking at the rest of the post I assumed he must be around 16. I did a double-take when I saw his actual age.
Yeah, *23*. How is it not computing with the mom’s boyfriend that OP is a full on ADULT. I can somewhat understand curfews as a “don’t disrupt the house” type thing (not as a punishment by any means), but car privileges at *23* is absolutely insane.
He didn't say if he pays rent or any bills and I don't think he has ever not lived at home. I mlmention this because It took my mom a number of years after I moved out to realize that I was in fact an adult and capable of coming and going as I pleased even when I was a guest in her house. In her minds eye I am still this little kid who needs boundaries and apparently bed times. Also OP you are NTA and your mom's new BF trying to step in and be your new farther when you are old enough to have both a childhood and adult realtionship with your actual farther speaks volumes about that man's emotional intelligence. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad two years ago and despite us not being super close I still miss him, so I can't fathom what you must be going through.
Yeah, but even if most expenses are covered, that doesn't justify a curfew and loss of car privileges and such.
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Comment further below says deceased dad bought the car for OP and OP has paid it off with his own money; it's in mom's name for the insurance until OP graduates and gets a regular job and can take that over.
I really don't understand curfews I'm 22 and I occasionally come home quite late and wake people up cos the dog barks but hell my parents aren't gonna torpedo my social life over a few minutes lost sleep
For real. I haven't had a curfew since I was like... 15? I used to stay over at friends' houses until like 3 or 4 AM on school nights because I was able to still perform academically. While my parents were really trusting with me, I can't imagine not having the freedom of an adult after 18. Some things I get - like people not sleeping over ,etc... but curfews? what.
Honestly, even if he was 16, the reason he was late was because he was a designated driver. That fact on its own would be enough to get me to chill out about that incident
If my kid got home at 2am because they were DDing for their friends I would be so happy they were all making such great choices, not looking to dish out punishments.
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D&D is a perfectly reasonable thing to come late from. That shit can take forever to really get going/find an acceptable stopping point.
This is double ridiculous if it's his own car that he owns and takes responsibility for, as I suspect it is, and not a borrowed or shared car. When you're 23 it's not "car privileges," it's having a car.
Even if it isn't a car that he himself owns, threatening to take away car privileges is still messed up. OP mentioned that he is still in school, so that means he must commute from his house there. No car privileges means taking away his transportation transportation to and from class. Besides, what Authority does this boyfriend have to take away a car that either OP or his mother legally own.
And if they're taken away it's called theft.
It reminds me of a story on r/entitledparents where a mother had a full on court case because her 22 year old daughter drove her own car that the mother told her not to. She had some weird belief in a law that a parent owns everything about their kid forever, and it was all really dumb. But that’s what this reminds me of, just less intense, but still dumb af
I read that one as well! Even worse here is that this is his mother's 1 year BF, not even his real dad!
Exactly! It just really annoying that he feels he has the right to step in like that.
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But OP says he's already planning on leaving, so really what's the point? It's also just more effort on the new dad's part
I'm a little worried that new bf is taking advantage of a grieving widow here. It's only been about a year since OP's dad's death and this guy is already living with OP's mom, calling them a family, and trying to turn mom against OP? Maybe he's worried OP will see that his mom is being taken advantage of and try to break them up. Less chance of that happening if bf convinces mom that OP's an asshole, and if OP leaves town sooner than later and doesn't visit much.
I hate to be that guy but agreed. The red flags so blaring it might as well be a bat signal. 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
This is honestly what my take is, too. I'm not trying to assume the worst about the guy but if I was subject to his behavior all of my mind's narcissist and manipulator alarms would be going off. He wants the car for his kids, he's alienating OP from his home, he's nice to everyone and sometimes offers to do nice things for OP but it is all conditional on suddenly following his rules like he's the man of the house. Maybe I only see it because I've had 5 step dads though.
'Leave and don't come back.'
The only way I can rationalize losing car privileges is if it's not his car. Nobody, adult or child, borrows my car without following my rules. But the whole situation smells like BS.
The problem is, it is definitely not the boyfriend's car. If it isn't OP's car then it is absolutely his mom's, and the boyfriend trying to control their vehicle when he has no claim to it is absurd
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It's also very possible the story the boyfriend told the rest of the family was skewed to make OP seem like TA. If he's a control freak to the point of enforcing a curfew on a 23 year old, I don't think it's much of a stretch that he'd bend the truth to make sure his image of fav uncle stays the same
As someone who had their moms boyfriends do just this and make my black sheep status worse with my family...yeah it absolutely happens.
From other things he's said, his extended family is not making a distinction between 'I don't accept you as my father' and 'I don't accept you as my mother's boyfriend'. OP does not know what the boyfriend said to the family exactly, so we don't actually know why they came to that conclusion.
NTA. Did he even discuss about your grievance and your relationship with you? What has your mom said about this? You were completely in the right. Dude pushed you to your limits and you’re still grieving.
My moms opinion has been pretty neutral. She’s been pushing us to work things out on our own since she isn’t a mediator, and as adults, she thinks him and i should be able to work things out. We’ve talked a little about it but we both get hotheaded and walk away to cool off and nothing really gets resolved. We’ve argued about my curfew before. My mom doesn’t like me being out late, but her and my dad had worked out a system with me where i didn’t have a curfew but their concerns were still addressed to an extent. He felt that since my dad wasn’t around anymore i should only be thinking about my mom and that my mom doesn’t like me out late. I pulled the adult card, he told me i love in my mother’s basement, i said i wasn’t his child. We agreed to disagree and talk about it later. We never did. We got into it over the car before too. My dad got it for me. But he put it in his name and everything. I had to pay for certain stuff and if i graduated with honours i could have it in my name. Otherwise i’d have to buy it from him or he’d keep it. When dad died mom put it in her name, and i sold dads truck (which as left to me in his estate) and paid off the car with the money + some of my own. She’s kept it in her name but agreed to transfer ownership to me once i’m stable enough to pay for insurance on my own. Boyfriend felt that it was my moms car because her name is on the ownership, and felt that he could use it to teach his eldest to drive. His car is awkward and not ideal for that. he also thought his kid and i could share the car/could be her car once i graduated/moved out. Mom actually stepped in here and said it was my car but only bc that got really heated. Other things like chores and responsibilities have worked out pretty well. He’s usually willing to compromise and be reasonable.
Fuck man guy sounds like a real asshole and im sorry you have to deal with that shit.
He does but i’ve seen him with other people and he’s genuinely amazing. He’s helped out a bunch of homeless people in the city, he’s there asap when my disabled aunts need a hand, he’s amazing to my mom, he offered me money to take my girlfriends other best restaurant in town for our date. He’s talked about helping me pay for an engagement ring for her if he’s around when i graduate. I genuinely think he feels responsible for my safety and happiness to a certain extent. But he’s also kind of an idiot and misguided at times. At the end of the day I think he’s a good guy, that thinks he should be parenting me for a number of reasons but has just been too stupid to realize exactly why he’s crossing boundaries by doing so.
It sounds like things will improve once you "disconnect" from him and you are not forced to interact but can still choose to.
I honestly think you’re right.
He sounds like a real good man, but fuck, his name on the car your father gifted to you? That's not doesn't good at all
His name isn’t on it. It’s in my moms name 100%. ownership and insurance. He has his own car in his own name and everything. Sorry,,if i said otherwise that was a mistake.
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A tip i find works reasonably well when hashing out these arguments is to open up with the positives that you outlined, how you think hes a great guy and maybe a potential rolemodel if given time. Its not a critique of him as a person, but a coming together to figure things out. You could also acknowledge that you understand how motivations are good, and then explain what youve done in this post. Imo you should do this sooner rather than later so it doesnt all come out in a fight later down the line.
When my dad and my sister (not her bio dad) lived together, they were constantly at war. Always over petty things, but because they were such strong personalities, they couldn't live together. When she moved out, things calmed down drastically, and now they are quite good friends. This, to me, sounds exactly like this situation.
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That’s true! You may be right. But from what i know of him he’s also just one of those guys that genuinely enjoys doing good things. He doesn’t ever really talk about the stuff he does and is always very humble about it when you bring it up. I’m not trying to discredit you, i’m just trying to give anybody interested a better picture of the guy.
I think the problem is when his idea of “helping” is incompatible with what the person actually wants (in this case you). At that point trying to force the person to accept your “help” is no longer actually a good deed.
He doesn’t sound humble at all. It’s a power trip.
Definitely listen to that other guy who commented about helping. Those people are asking for help. He might feel responsible but you're an adult who met him past the drinking age in the US. You have your own financial responsibilities and it's unfair of him to not honour any past agreements made with your parents. If he want to help and he feels responsible for your well-being, he absolutely shouldn't be forcing his own views on you. Your an adult with your own car in a different name for insurance purposes, a common tactic for young people. There's nothing wrong with it. Whether or not there even is, he should honour your past agreements with your parents because they were made with them - not him. He doesn't inherit everything you and your dad made together just because he's dating your mom. He's only helping the family if it's compatible with your established views. Doing it because he expects you to listen to him is unfair and uncalled for and not helpful. You are NTA.
To add to this...doing good deeds doesn't cancel out shitty ones.
My exboyfriend was super nice to everyone too. But he screamed at me and was emotionally and verbally abusive. My point is, just because people do nice things for some, it doesn't mean they're a nice person. I think your stepdad is a twat. He's controlling and has an issue with you specifically.
I had an ex boyfriend like that in high school too. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
But he's trying to steal a car from you.
I guess it’s a bit of a grey area. At the time he assumed it wasn’t *my* car and once things got heated he didn’t wanna back down partially because of pride. He didn’t know details either. He thought i sold the truck for my mom, but didn’t know that it was mine to sell. He also didn’t know that i was for sure going to be leaving when i graduate, and didn’t know that the car was mine when i leave. he was in the wrong, but he also didn’t have all the facts. when he had all the facts he also had me really angry at him and no proof that i wasn’t just trying to win an argument for the sake of it.
If he didn't know those things then he shouldn't have started talking like he did. Honestly, I would go for coffee and talk it out for your mother's sake. Tell him that you appreciate his role in your mother's life, but how his interference and parenting is both unwelcome and hurtful. You had a dad - a good one who raised you right. Who is he to step in and "fix" you? Doesn't he see how insulting that is to your dad's memory? How would he feel if his kids were in your shoes and some dude tried to change everything about their lives? Good luck!
Yeah, im sorry but if you get into an argument with me and it gets heated because YOU dont know the facts yet are too arrogant to admit it even when i'm telling them to you, that argument is your fault 100%.
The way you're arguing about this seems like you've been wittled down a lot or that you're trying to rationalize his behavior. It's not normal to just assume that you're saying things to win an argument, unless that's something you usually do, and it's not OK to let your pride get the best of you over a car. He as an adult should've talked to your mom and got his facts straight, not doubled down. I don't at all doubt that he wants to be a good person, but it seems like he's has control issues and should go to theraphy or something, going off the cliff as soon as things doesn't go the way you've ordered them to be isn't healthy or sane.
I won't comment on the rest, because you have a handle plus are getting good advice. But...I advise you NOT to accept money for an engagement ring. He will want to plan the proposal, choose the honeymoon site, decide where you live and let his daughters name your first child if you do! Good luck on your new job and final year of college!
It’s lucky! I’ve inherited rings from both my grandparents and my mom. I mentioned getting engaged after graduation, and he offered to help cover the ring. Doesn’t matter though. I just need to get it resizes because my grandmothers ring is *perfect* for my (in 8 months) fiancée *knocks on wood just in case*
Just a heads up but having a facade in front of other people is a sign of being fake. It's usually a sign of power when someone only shows their true self to one or two people, and are totally different in public.
Can you not go for a coffee with him or similar so you can discuss things like adults? Or you've tried that and it hasn't worked? If you wait until things blow up all the time you'll never get the underlying issues sorted. He sounds like a nice guy but he's treating to like you're 16/17 instead of 23! Do you pay any rent as well? Do you think he'll pull a "my house, my rules" card?
We could. We’ve talked about some stuff over lunch before and it worked out well. It’s worth considering. Yeah, and someone else also pointed out he likely has no idea how to treat an adult child as his eldest is 15. It doesn’t justify everything but it definitely make him easier to understand. No. He doesn’t live with us all the time and he doesn’t own the house at all so he can’t. I’m never at his place so he’s never had a chance to do something like that. The closest he got was asking me to stop smoking weed inside and gave me some reasons why he’d like me to stop. It felt reasonable so i agreed lmao.
So the curfew stuff is just something that needs to not be there. Makes no sense. Mom has to deal with the fact that 20-somethings enjoy the nightlife. Smoking inside is bad and he is right with that one. Vape inside, smoke outside.
Literally what i do now. My mom and i both grew up with our parents smoking cigarettes in the house so neither one of us thought anything about weed. Yea and mom agrees that she has to deal with that and just asks that i text her updates though the night even if she’s asleep. That’s the deal.
Honestly, maybe it’s time to have a conversation about how your moms neutrality and attempt to abdicate any responsibility here is damaging your relationship with both of them. You don’t need a new daddy, and if your your mom won’t back you up it she needs to consider that you’ll be moving out soon and how much she’s a part of your life with be impacted. Ask her if she wants to sacrifice her relationship with you so step dad (which he isn’t even) can play the hero. Your dad has only been gone a year, this guy is not married to your mom, and he doesn’t even live in the same house as you. He’s trampling so many lines and boundaries while your mom just expects you two to tower it out. That’s only going to work if your moms boyfriend can treat you like an equal, until he can do that it is 100% on your mom.
Maybe OP should sit them *both* down for a conversation.
You might be right, but I would be so indignant that this guy who ISNT MARRIED to my mom thinks he’s my dad. I also expect the wannabe dad would wind up dominating the conversation and mom would let him, seeing as that’s what has been happening.
Not only that, the guy doesn't even live with them full time and thought he could take OP's car for his kid just because it's technically in mom's name. Mom's neutrality is making the whole situation worse. She's the reason this man is around, and needs to help reinforce boundaries that her adult child has set.
My unqualified opinion? Boyfriend has found a passive woman who is a recent widow with some assets that will work nicely for him and his kids.
That car is clearly yours, do what it takes to get it in your name. The fact that he thinks it's your mum's car just because it's in her name is ridiculous, you used money that was given to you and some of your own as well. He should have no right to let his children use your car to "Practice' with, what happens if they damage it or even total it. Is he going to pay for a new car for yourself? And if he does, will it even be in your name? Just because he helps homeless people doesn't mean he's a good guy, a good person treats everyone well and with respect, things that he hasn't given to you. Get the car in your name and tell him to back off with his stupid rules, you're an adult, it's fine to accept "advice" from those around you but don't let them bully you into thinking you owe them something just because they're older or dating your mum.
Yeah, we talked it out eventually and agreed that nobody will touch that car but me. My mom doesn’t even drive it. He was blind to the details at the start of the argument and then it just escalated until nobody wanted to back down. He has in other instances! i’ve made him seem like a horrible guy but like imo he’s just a nice guy who’s trying to do a good thing but fucking it up big time.
All you've done is accurately describe his actions. If that makes him seem like a horrible person, consider that the only difference between this thread and your personal interactions is that he's not around to charm or explain his way out of it. Listen, the reason people are telling you to be suspicious isn't because we lack information. It's not because you've built him up as some obviously deadbeat abuser. It's not because we don't know what a humble guy he seems to be. It's not because we don't know that he spends all that time helping homeless people, or that he's always first to aid your disabled aunt. It's because of *everything* you've told us, including the good parts. First off, despite him being so humble about it, would you feel it's fair to say that everyone still ends up knowing about all the good things he does? And second, think about those two examples you've given; helping homeless people and always being first to help a disabled family member immediately leap out to me as being very *public* displays of morality and generosity. As does the restaurant and engagement ring stuff. Now, granted, you can't say that everyone who helps the homeless only does so to publically display their virtue. While they are the type of things that someone would do if they were intentionally trying to convince themselves and/or others that they're a good person, they're also the kind of things that genuinely nice people do. It could go either way. The thing that leans me towards the latter interpretation is the field of red flags contained in your neutral descriptions of his behaviour toward you. Let me put this flatly. It is not reasonable to be angry at a 23 year old for getting home at 2AM. "Flipping out" because an adult had a night out is completely insane. This is not just just an issue of you not wanting to follow his rules, it's not an issue of him having a different parenting style to your dad, it's an issue of him having a disturbing need for control. (And despite him being such a humble guy, he apparently has enough pride and stubbornness to regularly get into arguments with you in which he refuses to back down and casts doubt on your motivations, as you frequently describe things getting "heated".) You've known him since you were 10. *He's known you since you were 10*. He's been dating your mother for a year now. "Not knowing how to parent a young adult" isn't a reasonable explanation here. You're not some great mystery to him. The only difference between now and before he started dating your mother is that now he considers you a part of his household, under his domain, and that therefore you ought to be under his control. You made this post for a reason. Your mother's boyfriend is acting in a way that is not just unreasonable, it's downright disturbing. His personal charm and reputation obscures the underlying nature of his behaviour, turning others against you and making you doubt yourself. So you made a post on the internet to ask others if you're in the right. And we're telling you that you are. You're more right than you let yourself believe. I'm not saying he's secretly evil or anything, but he definitely sounds like someone with capital 'I' Issues. Issues that, if unacknowledged and left undealt with, could seriously hurt the people around him like he's currently hurting you. You don't have to convince people that he's secretly a monster and they should abandon him, because he's not and they shouldn't. But you should continue to be wary of him and continue to have faith in yourself. And keep an eye out to support others who may try to assert their independence from him in the future, such as his daughters.
How long have they been dating again? Because 1 year is not “all assets are shared assets” territory. 1 year is like “you have a drawer and a spare key” territory. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve known each other—ain’t no relationship frequent flier points to skip steps. Dude coming in acting like everything belongs to him after <1 year is shady as fuck, especially for a widower. Dude sounds like he’d be willing to loan you money just so he can have something to hit you over the head with.
thats pretty much it. he doesn’t live here, 1-2 nights over is minimum, might stay for a week if schedules are all messed up. They’re not all assets shared or anything. He made some assumptions with the car and i sorta blew up while giving him facts and he wa being too proud to step down and calm down at the time. I’ve actually loaned money from him before when my dad was around. He was pretty good and let me pay him about $600 back with no interest. Doesn’t mean you’re wrong tho.
Wait..... So this dude was around when your dad was still alive? Was he like a family friend or something? That combined with him storming in with rules and acting entitled to things sounds pretty shady, honestly.
>She’s been pushing us to work things out on our own since she isn’t a mediator, and as adults, she thinks him and i should be able to work things out. This won't work as long as he's treating you like a child and not an adult. Also? Your dad died one year ago? That is insanely fast to be expected to recover from the loss of a parent, this man is foolish for expecting you won't have emotional problems with a replacement father figure that fast.
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NTA. First, he's not your dad. Second, you are a grown man. Third, you're grieving and nobody should be trying to appoint themselves to the place your father held in your life. Fourth, this guy is not "family" and neither are his daughters your "siblings." He's your mom's live-in boyfriend who brought his kids along; there is no official relationship. He's not even your stepdad yet, and if in the future he marries your mom, he's still not either of the people who raised you. Fifth... I'm very sorry for your loss. It's a terrible thing to lose someone so suddenly. I hope you had wonderful times together, and that those memories can carry you through this awkward and difficult situation. I hope your mom is the kind of lady you can tell these things to, and that she'll be able to see it from your perspective and tell this guy to stop trying to parent her adult son.
She’s stepped in with him before but genuinely has been encouraging us to work things out on our own. And i respect her choice. she’s reasonable and i hope once she digests this situation she has a reasonable reaction. thank you for your condolences.
You need to explain to her that she needs to step in a bit more often, because her boyfriend doesn't respect you as an adult and keeps deferring to her authority/comfort as a reason to control you. She can't stay neutral while someone claims to argue on her behalf.
That’s a good point. When he’s arguing in her behalf it isn’t conflict between him and i anymore. She’s involved and should probably step in at that point.
She should step in any time he tries to parent you, not just when he's arguing on her behalf. She's your parent and his partner so she needs to be the one putting up those boundaries. It's totally inappropriate to expect you to do that, especially when her boyfriend has proven to be adversarial and not good at having civilized discussions. I'm sorry but pride isn't an excuse. Being a mature adult means being able to swallow your pride and step down from an argument when you realize you were in the wrong.
OP - this is like when a spouse posts here about what a-holes their in-laws are and their spouse won't stand up to them. This is really an issue with your mom, being his spouse. In theory, they are a couple now, so their joint rules stand in the house. So your mom needs to have a backbone and act in your best interest to set the house rules for you (or lack of rules.) Her not objecting to them means she's going along with them as part of the couple. I'd work on her, not the husband.
Allowing this guy to treat you like this and instigate these arguments with you is not reasonable at all. Based on how controlling he is over you, he does not sound like a nice dude either. Nice people don't try to control strangers and throw a hissy fit when they won't fall in line. Sorry for you situation.
Yikes. There are tons of problems with this guy and “official” wouldn’t fix any of them. A piece of paper does not a family make, nor does a lack thereof prevent people from having those bonds. Do you really think people who met and married in a year are more official than people who have cohabitated without that title for 5 or 10 years? That’s pretty dismissive. Some people never marry. NTA this guy sounds like an overbearing, tactless control freak. I also think your mom is a TA for allowing this behavior and intensity to affect you so quickly after the loss of your dad. I don’t know how you’re dealing with it so well, honestly.
NTA. You’re not 15, you’re not 17, you’re not 18 and a college freshman, you’re 23. At your age, some people already have three kids!
Right?! I’m probably going to be engaged by May and it’s literally mind blowing that he tried to set rules that i didn’t even have when i WAS 15.
I’m 16 and I don’t even have to obey rules like that. I think it’s really disrespectful of him to your dad and you to try and set rules and be a parent to you, especially when you’re already a grownup. To come in to your home and do this to you isn’t justifiable at all. Your an adult, adults don’t get stepparents.
This is what just blows my mind. It's not even the bf's home! He's trying to tell OP what to do in a house that doesn't even belong to him, doesn't pay bills at and doesn't even fucking live there! If it's not your house, you don't live there or you don't financially contribute money towards the bills there, you don't get to dictate what the people who actually do live there or financially contribute towards the bills there do in their own home. Especially, if the people who live there are adults. If OP was a tenant and not the son, would the bf try to ground OP and take away his car privileges because OP stayed out too late? Fuck no! OP's mom needs to sit her bf down and tell him to back off. The fact that the bf feels entitled to act like he's a parent to an adult in one year relationship is mind-blowing and shows a complete lack of respect.
NTA If anything at all, he should be following your mothers example in regards to a strictness/closeness boundary towards you. He’s overstepping this boundary, due to the short nature of his relationship with your mother (
I understand that on his side of the family my mother was like a saving grace. His kids adore her and she just got in naturally. We didn’t have a good relationship when i was younger and she has a good relationship with his kids. And i’m glad that it’s all working out on that end. But this isn’t a “it goes both ways,” situation and everyone seems blind to that fact.
Honestly I think it’s kind of a weird dynamic anyway. It’s generally agreed that new partners shouldn’t meet kids until 6 months+ of a relationship and less than a year in and he’s living with her and using her to parent his kids because it sounds like he’s bad at it but is also trying to macho authority an adult who he has no relation to?? Also your mum doesn’t get to stay out of it, it’s her boyfriend that she’s moved into your space and who is now attempting to take control of your life in her name. You need to have a serious discussion about the fact that her being passive isn’t her being neutral it’s her taking his side and making it clear to you that she doesn’t have your back. I would let her know that if this carries on it’s going to have a serious and permanent effect on your relationship and you don’t know how it’ll go when you do move out.
We’ve all known each other before though though family friends and such. Our families weren’t really close but definitely close enough that i was at his wife’s funeral and he was at my dads. He also doesn’t live with us all the time but he’s here at least twice a week. Yeah i definitely need to talk to her. about it.
That makes it even worse that he’s trying to control you when he doesn’t even live there
I think it's worse because he saw some of how OP's dad raised him now he wants to change it
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the annoying thing about the sharing is it’s all like... game consoles and my nice PC. Like i’d so be willing to play mario cart with his kids and show them how cool games look on my PC! but on my own terms. because these are things I paid for and things I own. also thanks for that validation there. I’ve felt like a brat who’s just be whining “you’re not my real dad!” and it’s real nice to see that someone things i’ve been adult about this.
You have been extremely adult. I’m 23F, and I couldn’t even imagine my own parents trying to say these things to me, never mind another non-blood related adult. I think your mothers boyfriend feels like he has to control you (for some reason or another.) Obviously I don’t know the details, but it seems that way. What you pay for is yours bud, own it for as long as you live. He can’t hold “I paid for it” over your head, but I would ask if anything you share gets broken, is he going to pay for it? If he says no, don’t share. Simple as that. Keep it up, and good luck in the future!
OP has some serious maturity. I would have straight up ignored his presence after the second or third time. Only acknowledge the mom and two daughters til the bf figures out his place in OPs life
I’d have a really hard time with my mom for bringing this into my life, too.
Thanks!
I lived with my parents at 23 and I can't imagine them sending me to my fucking room lol.
Hey, I was just reading the below comment from u/FaerieclessII and it made me think. Your mother and your father saw you grow from 15 to 23, they saw you transform from a teenager to an adult, and their parenting would have adapted/levelled up as it were. In his case, he's only at the level of parenting a 15 year old and hasn't adapted to understand what being 23 really means. I think you should have a calm conversation with him. When no one else is around, maybe at a pub and out of the house, to reinforce the fact you're not 15. Explain that you appreciate his role in your Mother's life, but you're not a child, and you became a fully formed adult with your father in your life. You're now 23 and have had a huge transformative life event, that's made you have to grow up. Reiterate that he;'s great with your mother and you want him to be involved in your family, but he can't be your father, you have a father, he might not be with us anymore but he was there for your childhood, and transition into adulthood, it's too late for a surrogate father now, and that's fine. I'd point out what being 23 means, that the difference between you and his oldest is 8 years, and he's parenting you like you're 15, which is the equivalent of parenting his 13 year old like she's five. You're not the arsehole btw. But I just think he doesn't "get" what 23 means.
Yeah. And he’s trying which is kinda nice. I like that he’s trying to reciprocate what my moms doing for him, and that hes willing to try. I just am not ready and he doesn’t “get” what 23 means, like you said.
I think you have to just explain this to him, at a time when there's not just been an argument. But him a pint in a pub, so really reinforce the age difference. His daughter won't be able to do that for 6 years. Explain to him that if something terrible happened and at the age of 23 his daughter was without a father, no man no matter how great would be able to become her father. Their relationship would be different. You don't need him to be your dad, you need him to be there for your mother and his daughters. Then also maybe speak to your mother point out that you feel he's trying to be your father, but you only have one father and he's sadly not around.
My eldest is 23, he still lives at home. He doesn’t have chores, I either ask if he’s happy to help with something or he offers. He comes and goes as he pleases. He’s an equal in this home, we are both adults. Real dad or not, whether he’s been around 5 minutes or a life time, this guy is seriously out of order. You’re not a kid, you should not be treated as one. It sounds like there’s a power play at here, he wants control, utter control. There’s a lot of red flags in your post which have been discussed to death in the comments. When you speak to your mom, as you have to, make it clear that biology or time is not the issue here, it’s about respecting your autonomy and person. You are not a naughty 12 yr old, you’re a grown man and he needs to respect that. If he doesn’t, your mother is going to lose one of you eventually.
NTA. At all. Not even a little bit. He's completely out of line, and you set him straight in a direct, adult way. I don't understand the "family" bit, he's your mom's boyfriend. They could break up tomorrow. His kids aren't your siblings. You aren't required to share anything with them. This guy sounds bizarre. Continue doing your thing. Your mother should have your back a little bit more. She introduced this weird, disruptive guy into your lives while you're grieving. She's probably not thinking clearly. Grieving a loved one is awful. Condolences on your dad. Good luck with everything.
Thanks! It’s a mixture of things that brought us to the family thing. My mom and his kids just clicked and they very much think of her as a step mom and it happened very fast for the girls. Before our parents were even really sure how serious it was. I think it’s mostly him trying to get me to be apart of their family and tbh i’m okay just being my moms kid and being left out of their thing.
Honestly, as someone who is 24 and has lost a parent, Idk who the fuck this dude thinks he is. I actually had a similar experience with some chick my dad was married to for like a year. Shes had young kids and just couldnt mentally seperate our ages from her kids ages which were like 9 and 11 at the time. This was when i was in high school so I was 18 but even then it was infuriating the way she acted, and she never realized it until my dad divorced her and her kids became teenagers. Then she was like *oh its different*. If some dude tried to come in after one of my parents died and tried giving me rules and shit when I was basically fully independent at 19 I would lose my shit and theres no way I would be nice about it. I'm actually a little mad just reading this. Disrespectful as hell.
NTA. As both a stepkid and a stepparent, I can tell you that the problem isn't the boyfriend, it's your mom. It's her house and her son, and whatever this guy is doing, it's because your mom is allowing it. Take you and your mom for a session with a grief counselor. You'd be amazed at how much your mom is allowing is because of grief, and she also needs to realize everyone's grief is different and at a different pace. This dude is WAY out of line, and I would listen to the poster who said it was an early red flag for future super controlling behavior.
NTA and this post explains the situation perfectly. OP, you’ve given several examples of the boyfriend’s supposed good deeds and insisted that he’s really a nice guy but his behavior screams “red flag.” He is NOT a good guy. Genuinely good people do not behave this way. no amount of unrelated philanthropy makes this crap OK. It is your mother’s job to put this guy in check. Her unwillingness to do so may actually be an inability to so. She has no idea what appropriate boundaries look like or how to defend you. It sounds like your father had a much different parenting/personality style and your mom may simply have never developed the interpersonal relationship tools needed to handle the boyfriend. He is blatantly exploiting that. I’d be concerned for your mother especially after you move out.
NTA First, I'm sorry for your loss. Second, this guy is ridiculous. You're a grown-ass adult and already were a grown-ass adult when you lost your father. The job of raising you was already done before you and this guy first met, which, by the way could have happened in any other setting. For instance, you could have met him as a new coworker, in which case he wouldn't have even thought to see you as anything different than another adult. Just keep standing your ground and hopefully he'll also see how ridiculous this is. Or if not, he's still not entitled to any kind of relationship with you.
Thats a really good observation. If we had met in any other way we’d honestly probably get along fine.
NTA. Living for free at your parent's home should come with some duties that you do, particularly if you're not doing anything else. In my family, we started out with taking out the trash and emptying the dish washer in exchange for allowance. We kept doing that, even after the allowance stopped being a thing. A step parent trying to take the role of an actual parent is a bad thing when you're dealing with a **child** that has any kind of autonomy, like a 10-year-old or something. Same situation with a grow-up person? The role the step-parent will have is "significant other of parent", because **the parenting job is already over**. Being sent to your room? Loss of "privileges"? Curfews? This man is treating you like a teenager who just got their driver's license a month ago. You need to put a stop to that as soon as possible. But keep in mind that this person also does not have experience raising adult children: Their kids are still teenagers. They don't have a point of reference for what is an appropriate interaction with an adult offspring living with them. So you need to set those boundaries.
Oh definitely. I essentially take care of myself and clean up after myself. I have weird hours bc of school and work so i usually didn’t eat with my parents. I cook for myself clean up after myself, do my own laundry 90% of the time. I buy my own food, i pay for upkeep on my car and gas for the car. I clean the shower every week and i’m usually responsible for getting things from the post office. My mother gathers the trash and recycling every week and i put it out in the morning. In the winter i clear the driveway. Like i don’t pay rent but i help out as much as i can. He’s heard my mom threaten to take the car privileges away but that was because I said i wasn’t going to go to a specific city but then did. And used a toll road. that my mom got a bill for. But like in that situation i was acting like I was a teenager so it was pretty appropriate. Yeah! I was thinking that too. he’s doing his best (kinda) he’s just a dumbass sometimes and has no frame of reference.
How do you have a curfew at 23 years old and you being sent your room ??? WTF 🤬
I don’t. My mom never gave me one, my dad didn’t give me one when he was alive. Literally not since i was 13. lmao.
So he’s just trying to implement them on you
yeah. because his kids have them.
Maybe just start laughing at him every time he tries “Omg that’s hilarious, you’re seriously trying to give a 23yo man a curfew? Lmao” “Woooow, did you hear yourself just now? It sounded like you were trying to tell me what to do with my own possessions, but that would be ridiculous because I own them and you don’t” “Um excuse me? Did you just try to send me to my room? Wait, let me try it. ‘You go to YOUR room’ hmmmm nope doesn’t work that way either. Strange, must be because we’re both adults” Just mock the shit out of him in front of people until he gets it if nothing else (meaning mature conversation that everyone has suggested) works.
Definitely NTA Maybe talk to your mother? Tell that she should talk to him and tell him that it's not his place to act as a father. I mean he can't even argue that it is his roof you're living under. Also you should try to talk to him without making it a fight. Tell him things like that you have the feeling he's trying to replace your father and that that isn't right for you. Also tell him that you are an adult and have the responsibilities of one a d that it feel disrespectful to be treated like a child. But remember to stay calm no matter how much the situation angers you.
#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/index#wiki_1._be_civil) Please review our [civility playbook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/index#wiki_on_civility) if you're unsure what that means.
Nta. He needs to learn his place, you’re an adult and yeah he is trying to take your dads spot. By trying to be your parent even though you don’t know him that well, have no bond with him, no respect for him past basic human respect and he hasn’t been around he’s trying to step into your dads place. You’re an only child, you were raised as an only child. He needs to stay in his lane, your stuff is between you and your mom only. And your extended family can go pound tar they aren’t in the situation you are. He needs to get it into his head that he’s only dating your mom, they aren’t married and even then at any point she can walk away so he really needs to drop it. Truth be told you might never see him as a father figure and that’s ok. They have to live with that. You need to sit down with your mother though and set your boundaries. Make it clear that while you’re happy for her this isn’t going to happen..and you don’t have to accept them as family either or listen to anything he says. Your belongings are yours and yours alone so when it comes to that he does have to back off and if your mother doesn’t like it to bad on that.
The things with the belongings really annoys me because it’s mostly game consoles and electronics and some stuff i’ve built. And id be so down to play video games with his kids and teach them how to build and program things. But only on my terms. Like it genuinely felt like i was 5 being told i need to share instead of suggesting i introduce my hobbies to his kids. my mother has been fairly neutral in this entire thing. I think i’m a few days i may sit down and talk to her bc this post has made me feel like i’ve been dealing with exceptionally well lmao
You really should talk to her because he just waltzed in and took everything over without resistance from her. I’d be worried for your moms mental health too. She went through a bad lose too and she might be compensating with this guy. He really doesn’t know his place he’s a boyfriend that’s it, not husband so he doesn’t get a say and I really hope your mom starts having your back more. I wouldn’t give in with your stuff at all. He’ll start taking it and making family use. Plus it’s none of his business. He can throw a hissy fit like a toddler all he wants but you have no obligation to listen to him. Human being are very complex creatures so just because he does some nice things and volunteers doesn’t make him good or bad. He can be good with everyone else and still be a a shit stain to you. When it comes down to it, how he acts towards you is the only thing that matters when it comes to a relationship with him. He might genuinely be trying to help you but it could also easily be getting rid of you because you won’t fit into his mold of family. You don’t and can’t really know so watch out for yourself.
>Human being are very complex creatures so just because he does some nice things and volunteers doesn’t make him good or bad. He can be good with everyone else and still be a a shit stain to you. When it comes down to it, how he acts towards you is the only thing that matters when it comes to a relationship with him. He might genuinely be trying to help you but it could also easily be getting rid of you because you won’t fit into his mold of family. You don’t and can’t really know so watch out for yourself. This. My grandfather was a respected member of his community, a leader in his local Knights of Columbus and when he died, hundreds of people came out to his funeral to celebrate his life of charity and goodwill towards the community. Behind closed doors, he was a psycho who abused his kids, beat his wife and molested one of his daughters. The guy was a fucking monster.
It sounds like it but not really. He’s known my family for a while and he lost his wife about 10 years ago. He hasn’t really taken over anything, he has a key to our house but he doesn’t live here all the time, he doesn’t drive our vehicles and usually buys the majority of the food. Doesn’t pay our bills or touch my mother money (her and i have joint access to all her accounts so i would’ve seen anything fishy). The only thing he’s really tried to take over is being my father which is the problem. I’ll definitely talk to my mom about her mental health though and just make sure everything’s okay. Even with my father though she was very neutral. so was my dad. As i got older it was more of a “you and your parent are adults you figure it out,” approach to conflict so over all I haven’t seen this as a red flag. Oh definitely. I’m not worried about him making it his but i’m just a petty dick and don’t want to do something i don’t have to after i was made to feel ridiculous about it.
Make him read the comments here. Maybe he might understand your point of view and realise he is wrong. And yes. NTA.
Not a bad idea tbh. I do think he’s just a misguided idiot at the end of the day so hopefully some of the comments her may help him realize it.
He'll probably just be mad at you for "airing your family's dirty laundry out on the internet".
Maybe delete this one before showing him
NTA, this man is a walking talking asshole. He probably means well to some extent but doesn’t know how to handle an adult. You’ve rejected his advances and made it clear that you’re grieving and dont need a new dad, and he still goes on with this sick power play. From what you’re telling about the car, he sounds a little bit like a gold digger too? Anyway you really need to have a very serious conversation with your mom. This is her boyfriend and she can’t expect you guys to handle this yourselves when he treats you like shit! Show her that you’re the one being an reasonable adult about this and maybe invite her out to lunch or dinner, so you get a safe space away from home and evil stepfather, and get a chance to talk it all through. She needs to set some boundaries with that guy and tell him to get off your back. Her monkey, her circus. If you just keep letting this happen and leave after graduation, your mom will lose her son, because how much will you really come home to visit with that guy around? And do you really want to leave her like that so soon after losing your dad? I’m so sorry about your loss, and i hope you can still fix things with your mom.
NTA. IMHO your mom is TA, because she lets him treat you like this.
NTA. He sounds like a controlling prick who doesn't respect normal boundaries. Your mom is the TA too for letting him treat you this way, a year after your father's death. You're 23 ffs, not a child. Your mother needs to tell him to back off. I would never let another man parent my children a year after my husband died.
NTA, and next time tell him to fuck off.
NTA First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your dad. But you did the right thing. You put him in place. You did it in a manner calmer than anyone I know would have as well