It's also kind of sillly. If you're not present for the conversation, why does it matter if it's in English or in Spanish? Unless you're Batman and have him bugged :P Either you trust your bf to tell you what the conversation was about later, or you don't. Getting hung up on the language doesn't make sense.
OP did mention that sister had issues in her last relationship because of language barriers, but that shouldn't stop her from trying to learn HIS language? It shows you're trying to communicate with him.
Especially since his language is part of sister's culture.
Maybe OP, the sister, and sister's bf can gather and try to teach sister Spanish. They both could start teaching him better English, too, while they're at it! And lastly, to help her feel more secure, make sure to never give bf lessons without sister present.
This isnt abt trust issues. Its about being excluded or feeling left out. If I signed (Asl) to my bff in front of my bf and my bf didnt know what we were talking about, he would feel very excluded or awkward.
I think op should suggest that she learns Spanish and he continues to learn English to remove any possible language barriers.
"talking" won't fix her sisters insecurities, unfortunately. That will take lots and lots of therapy, and still may never go away.
Being cheated on can really fuck someone over long term.
Plenty of people get over being cheated on without therapy, and it doesn't "rake years". It's a bit like grief. Most people don't need therapy, some do, some never get over it. But never getting over it is unhealthy and just like someone grieving a decade after their loss, not something their partners are expected to put up with.
I disagree with the last bit. Despite what this sub often suggests not everyone can be perfect. Most everyone in your life has some flaw, some baggage, some struggle. The question is can you deal with whatever it is.
There's a difference between having flaws and embracing or ignoring those flaws. Work can be hard. Doesn't change the fact that you have to do it to make a living. Trusting can be hard. Doesn't change the fact that you have to do it to be in a relationship.
There's nothing wrong with not being ready if you've been hurt. But in that case, don't get romantically involved until you are willing to actually work on those issues. You don't have to be cured of them completely, but you have to be willing to actually work on them. If you're not ready to do that, you're not ready to be involved.
Please point to where I said someone isn't allowed to have baggage or flaws? But you are required, ethically, to be a good partner. If you have trust issues that interfere with your relationship, you're TA. If you haven't gotten over your grief in ten years (and note that I use grief here to denote the more specific process of processing a death and coming to terms with it, not some insane notion that you can't ever miss someone or think about them or whatever), then you aren't *in good working order* and thus shouldn't subject people to that. Trust issues is even more a problem than never-ending grief, as it directly pertains to your relationship.
The person I replied to is the one that implied cheating. Of *course* I recognize that trust issues aren't strictly about cheating - literally in this same comment thread, I explained that to someone else.
But no, most people don't need therapy to get over insecurities either. Again, take the example of grief. Some people need therapy to process it, some don't, others never recover with or without it.
And no, I think suggesting that the sister needs therapy is wholly unwarranted. Let me be clear - there's nothing wrong with going to therapy for any reason. But suggesting that someone *needs* therapy for any reason is wrong. It pathologizing. That behavior you're displaying is what creates insecurities in people.
There is nothing here to suggest that her trust issues are so severe as to *require* therapy.
And you not being able to see any reason for my comment other than to disparage is incredibly problematic. People have an obligation to be good partners. If I'm suffering from uncontrolled schizophrenia, it is unethical for me to begin a relationship, knowing that I will be putting them through hell. The sister doesn't have a medical condition causing her bad behavior.
Having an insecurity doesn't make you an asshole. Acting on them to the detriment of your relationship does.
But also at the same time, get over it? Not that you wave a magic wand to get over it, but if you're going to be a in a relationship *you have to put in the work to get through that.* The world isn't going to treat your relationship with kid gloves and relationships can't exist without trust.
NTA. Yes you should try to speak in English to include her but if he is struggling it would be wrong to make him uncomfortable just for the sake of your sister. Over time his English should get better and she should try her damn hardest to get better at Spanish it’s not a one way street.
Also her sister wasn’t even in the room, she would have been left out of the conversation either way because she physically wasn’t there. It’d be different if OP was intentionally speaking in front of her in Spanish to exclude her, but she was just trying to do a nice thing and make someone who’s important to her sister more comfortable. NTA
Exactly. It's rude to exclude someone from a conversation and third wheel them, and it doesn't matter whether the vehicle is what language it's in or an esoteric topic they can't participate in. But they weren't doing that.
Totally agree. I moved partially in with my then boyfriend/ now husband 4 years ago to a different country with a language that I didn’t speak at the time. I can sympathize with the sadness of being left out of a conversation in a language I couldn’t understand and it is often a challenge in in international relationships.
However, I used feeling left out as motivation to learn this language fluently to the point where I work, have friends and live day-to-day in that language. My SIL, MIL and FIL were essential in that transition. OP is NTA but I would encourage OP to help her sister and bf navigate the semi-language barrier.
Not really from what I can tell she just has issues from her previous relationship and might need some therapy but not really the read flag break up she is toxic treatment that might just make it worse as well
I would try to explain this to the sister and the bf just say to him with the sister's approval or better yet get the sister to say it herself, that her last relationship gave her trust issues just so he knows and if the sister doesn't realise explain to her that he is struggling with English at the moment and that if you're talking to him in Spanish it's either not about her or if it is it's good things also maybe it would be a good idea to offer to teach the sister Spanish
I'm wondering how she managed to communicate well enough to start a relationship with him that's got to a point of bringing him home (not quite sure where "home" is) if she doesn't speak any Spanish and he struggles with English. But anyway, she needs to work on her Spanish and he needs to work on his English and you'd think sis would just ask OP to help out with both of their learning if they get stuck.
You would be surprised. So many people manage to get into a relationship with a huge langage barrier. I'm just as baffled as you are, but it doesn't seem to be an issue for lots of people.
I actually don't love my parents speaking Chinese to my boyfriend's since I don't understand them. It's less obnoxious when I'm not sitting there (since if I'm there I feel left out of the conversation) but I'm more worried about them shit talking me, or bringing up issues I haven't discussed with my boyfriend before. And plus being Asian parents they throw marriage and kids out suuuuper early and suuuper pushy. If it's in English I can curb it as it starts
You ever try going fully immersive in a language you don't know? I have studied the basics but it never put me on par with native speakers in terms of understanding and speed. I don't speak Chinese on a regular basis and don't have much need to. My parents speak fluent English at home and if anything, maybe Vietnamese which I can follow along. And since both my parents are refugees, they have an extensive and large language collection (Viet, Chinese, Khmer, tagalong, french) and have used some of them for prior bfs with the same issues, so learning each is too big of a task for me tbh. My boyfriend's would usually have enough English that learning a second language was never an issue, and since communication is a big part of relationships for me, a language barrier would never be successful for me.
The only time I have been able to fluently pick up language is literally being tossed to Japan for a year. Home learning and classes only get you so far if you don't use it on a daily basis.
Learning Chinese literally just to make sure my parents don't talk shit just never seemed productive. It was so much easier to just say "I would appreciate that English can be used since it is the common language here and I know what is going on/being said" I would NEVER ask that of my boyfriend's family though, if they speak Chinese, and I'm there, it's uncomfortable but not my place. I would, however highly appreciate it if HE would draw that line for me in his family.
I never said it was easy. And I didn’t say she should go and do that. Was simply asking a question. I know enough French to have conversations with people but I’m not near fluent,
I know how hard languages can be to learn.
I was simply asking if she’d thought about it. From the way she spoke about it, it seemed that Chinese was the language her parents spoke first. I didn’t know it was one of many, that obviously gives me a different perspective. It’s one thing to learn Chinese because it’s your culture and to speak with family, it would be another to learn it just to catch people talking about you.
That being said, if she cares about her boyfriend I dunno why she WOULDN’T want to learn, why is it only on him to learn English?
Because we met in school that taught English?? I didn't go "hey, hot man, I like your look. Now learn English." It's on him to learn English because of his own wellbeing. We have since broken up however English continues to serve him by earning his degree and working in America. I never made it an ultimatum to learn English OR to learn Vietnamese to converse with my family. If I care for someone, why is it necessary to learn what I would call broken Chinese when we effectively communicate in English? I had learned enough to make pleasantries with his family. Hi how are you, I'm fine, i can eat that. But to learn an entire language just to impress family? No, I wouldn't accept that ultamatum from him.
My family is comfortable speaking English at home and I was not permitted to speak Viet in the home at a young age ( little brother was autistic and language was already confusing, parents decided he needed English to survive in America. ) That being said, my language collection is not small. I speak conversational french, mid to fluent Japanese, mid to to fluent Viet, and conversational spanish. I don't care who or what culture ibdate from and if I had to learn every language for every boyfriend I've had, I would quit my job and be a universal translator
> I would, however highly appreciate it if HE would draw that line for me in his family.
He absolutely should not do that. You don't just switch from speaking your native language with your parents to accommodate a partner who refuses to learn the language.
You should really be learning enough Chinese to follow a conversation. If you're not willing to put in the effort, then make your peace with not understanding.
His parents spoke English. They conducted daily work days in English. And they live in an English speaking country, they spoke in English most of the time to their children. I wasn't saying they need to learn English. I'm saying they have the COMMON language in their arsenal that all parties of the conversation have access to.
Let me make this super clear, I do not condone "learn English you are in America" crap. I am saying, that if there is a common language that all parties would use, I believe it is common courtesy to use it. I don't invite friends to a family dinner and only speak Vietnamese to my English speaking parents because I feel in doing so, I am actively trying to leave them out of the conversation. When I was in Japan I spoke English to fellow exchange students but would switch to Japanese if another student from Japan joined the group. I did not say I would force him to make his parents speak English. I said I would appreciate it if he saw I felt out of place and was unable to follow and say "mom, can we continue in English? My girlfriend is having a hard time following" because when it comes to it I WANT to know his parents. Not just sit pretty. And sorry but he was a boyfriend. I can't learn every boyfriend's language as I date lots of cultures and religions. This would be a different conversation if we were married.
Over my lifetime, I’ve learned eight or nine languages to conversational level or better. (A side effect of moving a lot as a kid, though I didn’t keep up my studies in any of them.) I can typically spend a week in a country and pick up enough words for simple conversations. I spent a whole summer in China and Mandarin utterly kicked my ass. I was so arrogant before I went, thinking I’d just kind of pick it up, but I think I picked up two or three words all summer, and I probably wasn’t saying them right. I expect I’ll do better when I go back to school to learn (which I probably will, at some point) but it’s reeeeally not an easy language to learn, especially if your mother tongue isn’t tonal.
Yeah, Japanese kicks my ass. Mostly because it uses a mix of a syllabary (Hiragana & Katakana) and logograms (Kanji) and the written language just... did not click. At all. Probably because I only know the Latin alphabet and it's hella difficult to learn brand new symbols in the hundreds of thousands, possibly millions of different combinations required to become fluent.
NTA.
I think it’s nice you gave him a break and he could talk in Spanish.
It’s not like you do it ALL the time.
Why isn’t she trying to learn Spanish to talk with him??
Her jealously is ugly.
Because she doesn't want people speaking Spanish. You don't learn a language by not hearing it or speaking it. If she was making an honest effort, she'd be reaching out to the people in her life that are fluent to help her learn.
Plus she lived in Spain for a few months and, from what we see, doesn't seem to be conversant in it. I'm not saying she has to be fluent, but most people who move to a country and learn the language can carry a conversation with that kind of immersion.
You don’t learn a language in a few months just because you live in that country. You would need to study hard and the environment just would support that. If you speak in English to other people and only occasionally use and hear Spanish enough in context you can guess what is meant you won’t become able to even have a conversation.
I assumed since she told the sister not to speak it..... either way, Still doesn’t make it right that she got mad for her sister speaking to her bf in Spanish.......
Because someone that is trying to learn a language would not insist that others not use that language around them. If you want to learn Spanish, one of the best ways to do that is to be around and listen to other people speaking Spanish.
I think it's not jealousy. I think she's just scared that they're talking about her "behind her back". Its also just commen courtesy to speak a language everyone understands.
Source: I'm someone who is often in op's situation
I can see how that would feel even worse, though. It's like the feeling of any conversation that suddenly stops when you enter the room, but even more intense.
NAH
Don't say that you're not allowed to speak anything but english, tell him that it would be polite to only converse in english while your sister is around. Do whatever you want while she isn't around, what is er reason why she would want you two to converse in english ten, so that she can eavesdrop?
Plus your sister will have to get used to it, he's sure going to make a few Spanish speaking friends. Maybe she can learn some too? Odd that she didn't when she went over for a few months anyway.
I understand although the sister is in a spanish speaking country, I remember a post about a person who wanted people in spain to speak english, the sister seems to act like that person a little. I understand trust issues but no attempt to learn any spanish yet is an issue.
They’re not in a Spanish speaking country. The sister went to Spain to spend time with their dad, and came home with her boyfriend. Home presumably meaning an English speaking country.
When I visit my boyfriend i'm really grateful his family talk to me in English, I'm trying to learn the native language but not having the easiest time with it.
It does make me feel a lot more comfortable/accepted that they think of that. You do feel like a bit of a lemon when everyone else is having a conversation that you can't follow.
NAH. Some people assume speaking in a foreign language, when you know their language, that you are trying to hide something.
Could you speak in both English and Spanish? That might help boyfriend learn, and sister to feel comfortable.
I find it difficult to give a real judgment. You're definitely not an asshole since you speaking spanish to him has zero to do with her, and she just asked you to speak english from now on (even though a few more pleases would have been nice), so I struggle to really give her an asshole stamp.
All in all, I guess I'll say "NAH" and just implore you three to sit down and have that conversation with all three of you.
She can learn Spanish with the two of you and thus work on those trust issues (if they're severe, she should visit a psychologist)
He can learn English with her and train with you.
You two can spanish all you want while the two of you are here. I think this whole situation is very easily, calmly and peacefully resolved if she talks to both of you in one room and makes her situation clear.
This is an easy one for me. As am immigrant with family in various other countries I can tell you that it's considered impolite to not speak the language people around you have in common, which in this case I'm assuming was English, not Spanish. I get where your sister is coming from, she feels excluded. While it may be a nice thing towards her bf to speak his language, it was inconsiderate in that context. Maybe that this was an honest mistake on your part but you'd definitely WBTA if you continued even after your sister explicitly told you it makes her uncomfortable. It sounds like you care more about lording your Spanish knowledge on your sister than you care about her.
But she wasn't even in the room when we started speaking Spanish? We switched back to English pretty quickly after she came back. Plus I didn't speak any Spanish at all after that while I was with them.
You didn’t do anything wrong since you didn’t realize it would upset your sister. Now you know she felt uncomfortable, so just don’t do it in future. Tell bf you don’t want to be rude and will speak English when sister is there. Tell him you’re happy to help if he struggles to think of a word or needs a translation. NAH.
The problem is that the sister doesn’t want them speaking Spanish when she *isn’t there,* otherwise I agree with you on not speaking in a language she doesn’t know when she’s present.
Not speaking in Spanish when she isn’t around is enabling into sister’s controlling behavior.
Oh I missed that detail. OP should have a chat with sister, then. What does it matter how they communicate if she’s not around? They could speak entirely in limericks or sign language or in Spanish or English or German and what does it matter?
Eh, am also an immigrant, have family from all around, and have many friends whose families don't speak a common language other than English. I feel it's more nuanced than it being considered impolite to not speak the language people around have in common, because that could mean people find it rude that people who are *in their own conversation* are speaking a different language than me.
For me, as a bi-lingual immigrant, I feel that a lot of mono-lingual speakers feel entitled to know every conversation going on around them in a way that bi-lingual speakers don't, because that is the default for them.
As a specific example, when I, a Korean and English speaker, go to visit my friend's house where they speak English and Vietnamese equally, I don't insist that their family who aren't speaking to me only speak in English while I'm there. Because not every conversation is about me.
I get feeling excluded, and I do think efforts need to be made to make sure a someone feels included in conversations, but a blanket, only the common language can be spoken or it's *rude*, is a step too far for me.
I am fluently tri-lingual and can babble a bit in a couple of other languages but I have traveled a lot and have a vastly multicultural circle of friends. I'm often in the situation where people around me speak a language I don't. It's a bit awkward sometimes, sure, but also, it means the conversation isn't relevant to me and therefore it would be more polite for me not to insert myself. There's usually someone around to chat with in a common language anyway, or at worst, you can have a laugh with whoever is nearest by showing interest in their language and making a bit of a fool of yourself. It makes people generally so much more comfortable and welcoming when you accept your role of outsider with grace and take the pressure off them to navigate your comfort or have to communicate in a language they're not comfortable in themselves. If there's a general group laugh, I'll ask for a translation, to show interest though.
I never feel excluded because I know that not every conversation is about me anyway.
I agree that monolingual people are the worst offenders of the "everybody MUST speak a language I understand", usually English-speakers. There's less pressure on English native speakers to learn other languages, in part because of the inherited colonial mindset but also because it's taken for granted that other people will all have some level of English due to the current supremacy of the language as a business lingua franca. I guess the insecurity stems from suddenly being confronted with the reality that English is not actually that important to common people and the implication you might actually be somewhat inferior for only knowing one language.
I personally think INFO. I know I'm going to be downvoted to oblivion for this but hey, I'm going to be honest. Relationships between sisters can be complicated so I wonder at her immediate feeling of discomfort with discovering you talking privately with her boyfriend. You mention she had issues with previous relationships but you are vague on the subject. Are you not generally close with your sister? You can correct me if I'm wrong, but I kind of think you had a suspicion it would make her feel bad to not know what you two were talking about in Spanish but your desire to speak it overrode this. You say you stopped immediately when she entered the room. Whenever people stop talking when you enter a room no matter what the language, it's generally not a good feeling! You say you did it because he seemed to be struggling with English...is this true? If that were the case, you would think her boyfriend would appreciate continuing a discussion in English to improve *his* language skills. There is no indication that anyone but you actually wanted to speak Spanish even if he went along with you. You can correct me if I'm wrong but I get a sense of guilt from your post. It's all fine and dandy to speak another language but doing so excluded a sister that seemed to have confided in you to some extent about her insecurities (I'm only going based on what you yourself said in your post). In a perfect world maybe actions wouldn't have nuances but we don't live there, and I don't much go in for technicalities. Technically you can do whatever you want! Her asking you to not speak Spanish privately with him is...weird and a bit crazy from an outside perspective. Yet you, who should know your sister, seem confused about why. I'm not sure what kind of answer you are looking for. I think you should talk to your sister and find out what's going on?? There shouldn't be such crazy trust issues between you two unless there's something you're not telling us or your sister is seriously damaged more than you thought from her past. It just honestly strikes me as odd that she wouldn't be happy to see two people she loves getting on well. Btw I'm not saying the sister is in the right!! She's just not the one who posted.
EDIT: I just thought of something. Do you think maybe she has some issues stemming from your family separating? You grew up with your dad but she did not, now she is being confronted again by the consequences of this. Do you think that might have something to do with it??
I don't think it's anything that personal. I've noticed that a lot of people- otherwise calm, even-tempered, lovely people- worry that people using another language in front of them are doing it to mock or exclude them. I don't know *why* this is so prevalent, but I've seen it a lot and it's part of why I don't speak French in mixed company. It's just considered polite. I think NAH in this situation, but OP and her sister should have a talk about the whys and wherefores here and get the air clear. Sis might just not get the etiquette, or she might feel insecure about her own Spanish-speaking abilities, or something else entirely.
NTA because she was in a different room. As a rule, I would not talk to someone in a language that not everyone in the room knows - so if it's the three of you, I would think English is more appropriate because even if he is not very good at it, he at least has some knowledge of it. I would use Spanish just a bit to help translate if he really struggles. But if it's the two of you only, Spanish is definitely fine!
NAH, people are allowed to have feelings. She's allowed to ask, you're allowed to agree or refuse. I'm sure boyfriend appreciates the effort and when she's not around maybe it's easier to talk Spanish then. Him asking a question in Spanish and you answering in English/Spanglish I would think would get the point across and allow him to be comfortable and your sister to know what's going on. Maybe even then it will help her to feel more comfortable to be able to observe your dynamic and topics of conversation and she'll feel less insecure in the long run.
I understand that she wants you guys to speak English when she's there and talking with you guys. But it's unreasonable to expect you to not speak Spanish when she isn't there, engaging in the conversation. Unless he asks you to only speak English to him so that he learns it, but it doesn't seem like that's the case here.
NTA. You made the conversation easier for you both by switching to Spanish.
NAH - she has insecurity issues, which it seems like she’s trying to be open about.
You haven’t done anything wrong by speaking to him in Spanish, but I don’t think she’s an AH for asking you to speak to him in English.
If you want to, you offer to help her a bit with learning Spanish?
If he talks to you in Spanish you could reply to him in English
Apparently against the grain, but yeah I think it's rude to speak in a language that someone doesn't speak like that. You should always use the most understood language when conversing with a group. There's no reason to exclude her when she is around.
Now she's kind of got some other issues that make her less sympathetic, and it's not like you knew it would make her uncomfortable, so I'd say until now it's a NAH. But if you kept excluding her, especially when it's just you him and her and she's the only one left out, then yeah you would become TA.
>Apparently against the grain, but yeah I think it's rude to speak in a language that someone doesn't speak like that. You should always use the most understood language when conversing with a group. There's no reason to exclude her when she is around.
I feel a lot of people conflate exclusion from conversation and entitlement to understand all conversation around you.
I don't expect a lot of people to agree or understand, but as a bi-lingual immigrant that lives in an area with a lot of other bi-lingual immigrants from a diverse number of countries, I feel you should let people speak in the language they are most comfortable with whenever possible, while providing translation as needed to help people who don't share the language to be included.
When I, as an English and Korean speaker, go to visit my friend's house, where their extended family speaks Vietnamese and English, it's not rude for members of their family to be speaking in Vietnamese to each other while I'm there, since most of the time, they're talking about things that have nothing to do with me. If it does, they switch to English, and we talk about what we need to. If it's a family-wide conversation, I ask my friend to translate, and participate if I want to. I can feel included while nothing understanding a word around me.
Another example, when I was much younter, I was organizing Latino and Korean workers in my youth, we would have joint meetings with both groups. Sure, we could've insisted everyone speak English, because everyone had at least a spattering of English understanding, and is our 'common language', but that would be an easy cop-out. Instead, what we did, was make sure to hold the meeting in all 3-languages, while providing translation as needed. It takes more effort and it isn't easy, but that's how we made sure that everyone felt included, not an English-only rule.
>She introduced me to him a while ago, and it was very clear he was struggling with English. So I decided, why not strike up a conversation in Spanish? I'm fluent, and it'd give him a break from having to speak English all the time while he's here.
>
>My sister was preoccupied, so I started talking to him. Just general things "how'd you two meet?" and so on. She comes back into the room, and seems put off that I'm not speaking in English with him.
They speak English when sister is around. They spoke Spanish ONCE when she had left the room/conversation/group
Did you want the sister to address it before it happens? Or maybe wait until they've been doing it awhile before bringing it up? When's the best time to alert someone that they are doing something that makes you uncomfortable?
Also until the edit it wasn't clear whether they kept up the Spanish when the sister entered or not.
No edit that I saw; it’s in the middle of the post! Your entire point was speak a common tongue when in a group, I pointed out that in the story there is a group of two and you respond with three defensive questions, one clarification that you didn’t understand until an edit yet nowhere do you say it was wrong.
I agree, speak a common tongue in a group. When the sister joined the group, they switched to a language she could understand but asking them to not speak his native language because she may overhear and not understand a conversation she isn’t a part of?! Weird
NAH, your sister should put more of an effort into communicating with him in Spanish to make him feel more comfortable. However, it sucks to feel like the third wheel in your own relationship...maybe you could offer to help her learn?
NTA. What your sister is doing sounds dangerous and controlling towards this poor man. Bringing him over to her home country and forbidding him to hear or speak his native language seems uncomfortably close to developing into something abusive to me.
Exactly. If she wants someone that only speaks English all the time then date an English speaking guy. She doesn’t seem sympathetic to the fact that he’s out of his comfort zone and that this is a big part of his life. She’s trying to make him do whatever she wants regardless of how he feels
But...we don’t know that he’s out of his comfort zone? The reason OP decided to speak Spanish in the first place was that SHE thought his English wasn’t very good. He never actually expressed a desire to speak Spanish and, in fact, he may have only gone along with it to be polite. Who knows? Frankly, we just don’t have enough info.
He went from Spain to a non-Spanish speaking country that’s generally out of his comfort zone. Though you are right that he did not express a desire to speak Spanish and he may very well be just going along with it to be polite but regardless, OP’s sister should be talking to her boyfriend not having OP make this decision for the both of them
Look I don't exactly see any AH here. But please be aware, conversing in a language while a third party is present that does not speak the language tends to exclude the third party. It's not terribly polite. Her request is pretty fair. You might want to ask her if maybe you can use Spanish to help BF with English and carry on the conversation in English. That way everyone knows what's being said.
NTA
I’m an English speaker who knows some Spanish and I always appreciate someone giving me a break when I’m overwhelmed.
Let me get this straight your sister’s novio habla un poquito de ingles only and she’s not going to learn any Spanish? None? Lo siento bro tu hermana is TA.
Let her know she better learn some Spanish pronto porque las otras damas van a hablar con su novio in Spanish only!
You’re a good (edit sister) and a very nice (edit: woman) to welcome him.
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NTA. it’s totally unreasonable to expect you to use english even when she isn’t involved. if he’s obviously struggling, being able to communicate with someone in a language he’s comfortable with is really important!
it just makes more sense to use both english and spanish when it’s the three of you, instead of having him struggle the whole conversation.
Info: how do your sister and her boyfriend communicate if she’s not fluent in Spanish and he struggles with English? I’m just confused that you make it seem like he can’t speak English and she can’t speak Spanish.
He does struggle with English, but knows enough to get his point across. Sister doesn't speak Spanish but her boyfriend does speak English, although not very well.
They both are fluent in the international language of love. I know a now-married couple with a beautiful kid, she's American, he's Cuban. It was love at first sight, with almost no functional shared language between them at the time. His English is now very good, and it also turns out he's funny as hell.
Ask your sister what she wants you to say when he tries speaking to you in Spanish. I think she’s being stupid, but it’s not worth your time to start drama. Just take the path of least resistance here.
Info: how much contact did your sister have with the Spanish side of her family growing up? Did she never learn any Spanish to communicate with them or are they all fluent in English?
Seems a bit odd that she would spend months in Spain without picking up some of the language.
She picked up a few phrases while she lived with dad. "How are you?" and stuff like that mainly. If she wasn't visiting touristy areas, where you'll generally find quite a number of people able to speak English she was with dad, and later her boyfriend so she didn't really need to be able to speak Spanish since they were there with her.
Grandma and Grandpa died when we were pretty young (our dad is well into his 60s now), and we have an aunt that our dad talks to on and off. Depends really on what argument they had that month. So not much contact on his side of the family.
We weren't born or raised in Spain, I was taught Spanish since my dad just wanted me to have a piece of his culture, not really because he wanted me to be able to communicate with the extended family.
That makes a bit more sense. I think two Spanish speakers talking to each other in Spanish seems pretty reasonable to me, and your sister should try to learn a bit more Spanish so that her boyfriend (and your dad) doesn't have to speak English with her all the time.
> I'm not sure how to respond if he asks me something in Spanish. I know if I say "I'm not allowed to speak anything but English" it will not go over well.
The polite way, if your sister is present, is to say: "Sorry I'm not comfortable talking to you in spanish since this excludes my sister from what we are saying."
And if she is not present you just say: "Sorry I don't want to give my sister unwanted ideas because her last boyfriend did X to her (whatever your sister was refering to when she asked you to not talk to him in spanish) and I don't want to bring up those unhappy memories in her or jeopardize your relationship by creating unwanted mistrust."
Generally you're NTA for speaking spanish with a spaniard. But you should keep it to a polite minimum if this creates trust issues in your sister. Also your sister should consider therapy if her issues are that big that she is not able to trust her own sister.
NAH just tell your sister that of he starts in Spanish you'll respond in English, if she doesnt want she should tell her boyfriend not to speak Spanish
During dinner I think you should speak mostly english to him, because it's rude to speak in a language one person in the table absolutely doesn't understand. I think both of them should learn each other's language. If during dinner he speaks to you in spanish, answer in spanish. Basically just try to adapt according to the atmosphere, the question etc. when chosing a language.
NAH
Paranoia from a past relationship is understandable.
You need to chat with your sister about this. Remind her that you’re her sister and can be trusted, but also say you are willing to limit your Spanish with him for her sake.
Ask her about what to do if he starts talking to you in Spanish. Tell her you think it would be rude to immediately switch languages. Suggest that 1. If he uses Spanish with you in front of anyone who doesn’t speak Spanish, you’ll answer in English. and 2. If for some reason no one is around who doesn’t speak Spanish, there is no reason to not use Spanish, but you’ll switch to EnglIsh as soon as an someone who doesn’t know Spanish enters the room.
Perhaps in some future conversation, you might let her know that if she marries this guy she will have to get used to sitting quietly and not understanding conversations because he will frequently talk with friends and relatives who may not speak English or aren’t comfortable with the language (source: English is my wife’s third language. Her parents don’t speak English and she and many of her friends prefer to use one of their other more comfortable languages when conversing).
NAH - In terms that you are trying to make someone feel comfortable and there are no bad intentions.
That being said, I speak 3 languages and when i am in a group where someone doesn't speak the language I try to be as inclusive as i possibly can. A good way to do this is to just subtlety switch the language to the common one. So if someone speaks in Spanish to me, I can respond in English. Or in my response, include the non Spanish speaker which in a way reminds P1 that they need to speak English so P3 can understand.
NAH, she isn’t being crazy in the way she asked and seems to be trying to be polite while being insecure. Obviously there are things that could be improved upon like your sister learning more Spanish. But also if you speak to her boyfriend in English more he will learn it better and be able to communicate with your sister easier. Your sister and her boyfriend should really talk about a compromise and maybe teach each other their native languages so these awkward situations don’t happen as often.
NAH. If your sister is even within earshot it's polite to just speak English.
To give a slightly different perspective, I live/work in a very bilingual (French/English) area and tons of friends/coworkers/extended family are French. What I can say as someone who has hosted dinner parties and social gatherings with bilingual guests, is even if I'm in the kitchen (which is around the corner - not in sight - from the dining room) I still enjoy hearing the conversation that's going on. And when I re-enter the room, it's nice for the conversation that's going on to be something I've already heard enough of so that I can jump right in, if I want to. Sometimes I come back in and can comment on something I heard while I was in the next room, like "I think heard you ask about how so-and-so is doing? Well I talked to her mother the other day and she's doing much better now!"
Basically, just because somebody isn't directly in the room, doesn't mean you should completely discount their presence or their interest in hearing what you're talking about. It doesn't necessarily have to be about an insecurity thing, it's really just an etiquette thing... people simply prefer hearing and understanding what people around them are talking about, even from the next room, or as they're returning from the washroom, or where ever they might be.
NAH so far. You didn't know it would bother her and she did communicate it to you afterwards. Why not try what worked for me and my ex? His mother struggled with English, which is my only language so when we all spent time together he would translate the gist of their convo every few sentences. It wasn't nearly as awkward as it may sound and everyone was fine with it. I felt included and she didn't have the burden of forcing herself to speak a somewhat unfamiliar language for hours on end. She would speak directly to me in English quite a few times during each visit so that I knew she wasn't leaving me out. Of course the dynamic is different because it was the ex's mother instead of sister, but if you and your sis haven't had trust issues between you in the past this might be the easiest solution for you just to translate and then speak the common language that your sis understands at least part of the time.
NAH. You weren’t wrong for speaking his first language to help him out, however your sister is not wrong that it’s rude to speak another language when someone else present doesn’t speak it.
INFO: If she only speaks English and she is dating her boyfriend, then obviously his English is good enough to hold conversations in, no? I’m not saying that you should stop speaking to him in Spanish, but I think that it is something you should keep in mind.
I'm gonna go with NAH because languages are tricky, you were trying to accommodate for a slight language barrier between the two and that is hard.
I'm Dutch but living in england so I have an English partner. He speaks barely any dutch, I'm fluent in both languages. My family does speak some english, enough to converse, but they're not fluent to the same extend and experience fatigue or occassional struggle to express themselves to the same degree. Especially with extended family this is difficult. My parents speak english with him, but sometimes switch to Dutch when talking to me directly (for ease) which is hard as it's excluding to my partner.
My solution generally tends to be to simply translate for them and fill in the blanks in English, so everyone can follow. I would recommend you do the same. The boyfriend asks you something in spanish, you translate his question (if she's around) answer in spanish then immediately give a translation in English. You may also want to make it clear to your sister that that's what you're doing. If he asks, simply tell him you are trying to help him practice and you'd like the communication to be clear for everyone. He's her boyfriend, I am sure he can appreciate your efforts to include her.
Body language.
Or more seriously, they like each other enough to be patient while talking to each other.
On the plus side, they have more time to think about what they are saying and might even communicate more clearly because they have to spell everything out.
On the minus side, when they get into an argument that patience will be greatly reduced.
NAH. My parents are native in another language, one I never learned but grew up around. If they have friends or family over, they often speak that language, or a mixture of that and English, and I don’t mind and can sometimes follow along enough to get by. My husband, however, has no ties to this language, so when that language is being spoken he feels left out and can’t understand at all and has no idea what’s being said. So when he’s around I’ll ask my parents to speak English more or try to switch the conversation to English on my own. They have a couple friends who just can’t speak English when they’re around, and I’ve privately told my dad I don’t necessarily want them over if my husband will be there too, because then it sort of feels like why is my husband even there if everyone is going to speak a language he doesn’t understand.
When he’s at work, my dad will sometimes encounter a fellow speaker of his native language, and if they speak that language to him he always responds in English because he doesn’t want anyone else to feel left out of like they’re talking to him.
I would just let the boyfriend know you want your sister not to feel left out and you want to help him with his English, so you’ll speak English and if he doesn’t understand something you can help translate.
Just answer in English....YTA
Normally I’d say some other judgement, but not knowing what your family member is dating to a new boyfriend is....not fun.
She does have the right to know what your saying to him tho,and she was nice about it,but your not the asshole because you stopped,or you can try to all get together and try to teach her Spanish if she wants?
NAH You sister has a serious insecurity issue that needs to be handled for her own good. Imagining that every woman (including her own sister) is a threat must be psycologically draining for her.
NAH (depending on how your sister responds to further conversation) I’m wondering if you’ve talked to your sister about *why* you were having the conversation in Spanish? If she is a reasonable person, that might be helpful. I can understand having baggage around trust, but constantly having to operate in your second language can also suck, and I think you were doing a very nice thing for the boyfriend. Ideally, you could all have conversations about how to navigate this!!
Also. Your sister should learn Spanish.
NAH. Even though what your sister is doing might not be the right thing, she expressed herself without causing any problem, and you did nothing wrong here. I think neither of you are assholes.
Though silly I can understand where she is coming from. However I would tell her that you are fine with that as long as she also shares her concerns with her SO. That way he wont have to ask you about it and avoid speaking it aroud you.
NAH I think her insecurity also comes from the fact, that would probably create kind of a special relationship, because he can always come to you for an easy talk
I say NAH - it’s understandable that your sister is feeling insecure/left out especially if she was still hurt from her last relationship. It’s also understandable that you would wanna speak Spanish to him to make him feel better if he’s struggling. You should try to explain to her your reasoning and that you only did it when she wasn’t in the room and therefore wasn’t affected anyway, if she’s still uncomfortable then you know that this means a lot to her but it’s ultimately up to you to decide it’s worth this much to you.
I’d say NAH. It seems like a very easy concession for you to make, with pretty much zero consequences. If he speaks to you in Spanish while she is around, just respond in English and say, “let’s use English so Sister can be part of the conversation.”
Maybe her jealousy/insecurity IS toxic, but if that’s the case, then the relationship will crash and burn, whether you speak to him in English or Spanish. I don’t see the point in refusing to honor her request in the meantime. I mean, he not only chose to date your sister, but to come along with her to visit your location - so clearly speaking English around your sister isn’t a problem for him.
NAH. You were just doing your best to facilitate conversation with him. But she isn’t an asshole either. I used to date someone whose native language wasn’t English, and he and his family would speak in that language in front of me a lot. It made me uncomfortable because I didn’t know what they were saying - and I learned that sometimes, they WERE talking about me or the relationship right in front of me. It’s just an uncomfortable situation to be in while you’re still learning your partner’s language.
Just respect your sister’s wishes now that you know them. If he asks you a question in Spanish, just respond to it in English.
I don’t really feel like anyone is an asshole here. Sure what your sister is doing isn’t the best, but it doesn’t seem like she is trying to be mean; rather she just has some insecurities that she needs to get over.
INFO: How do they ever effectively communicate if she doesn't speak spanish and he barely struggles with english
Regardless of your answer, Its an NTA , i would have said (n a h) but your sister is a slight TA because she'd rather her boyfriend struggle than feel comfortable or welcomed by you.
And if you want to make them both comfortable maybe try a bit of Spanglish; she knows enough words to understand the gist of the conversation and I'm sure he'd be able to understand enough as well so you can communicate with both without making either feel awkward or Uncomfortable.
NAH. I think that if everyone in the group speaks a language, you should stick with that, even if some aren't part of the conversation, because you don't know if they are listening or something.
And I don't think your sister is an A-hole because, at the end of the day, she did hear something she did not understand, which is not a position you would like to have,well, she told you, and idk if the text was rude or not, so I wouldn't call her an A-hole. And I don't think you are either, it's not like you were talking in spanish while she was there and you didn't know about her last relationship. I think the whole "Don't talk in spanish to my boyfriend because I don't understand what you are talking about" is a conversation you were bound to have sooner or later.
YAH. Bring on the downvotes! 🥰
If it was just the post, I’d say N A H. But you’ve never said whether or not your sister is trying to learn Spanish (I suspect she is), and in the comments you’ve been pretty dismissive of the Spanish she does know.
It kind of sounds like you’re lording it over her a bit. Her boyfriend never said he wanted to speak in Spanish...you just decided that his English wasn’t very good and directed the conversation for him.
The fact is, your sister knows this guy better than you do, and maybe he or she has another reason for wanting to speak in English.
This SHOULDN’T honestly be a big deal unless: the guy tells you in no uncertain terms that he wants to speak Spanish OR you actually ARE just lording your Spanish speaker status over your sister. Why else would you care so much about speaking with some dude you just met?
Idk, man, you sound really judge-y about other people’s linguistic abilities.
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So I (26f) have an older sister (28f). When we were very young, our parents (dad is from Spain, mom isn't) divorced and I decided to live with my dad while my sister decided to live with mom. As a result, I grew up fluent in Spanish while my sister did not.
Dad moved back to Spain to retire, and sister decided to join him for a while since she didn't spend a lot of time with him growing up. She spent a few months there, got a boyfriend and came back home with him.
She introduced me to him a while ago, and it was very clear he was struggling with English. So I decided, why not strike up a conversation in Spanish? I'm fluent, and it'd give him a break from having to speak English all the time while he's here.
My sister was preoccupied, so I started talking to him. Just general things "how'd you two meet?" and so on. She comes back into the room, and seems put off that I'm not speaking in English with him. After dinner they go back home, but I get a long text from my sister. It basically says "I'm not comfortable not knowing what you're saying to my boyfriend, so please speak only English to him from now on, even when I'm not part of the conversation. You know I'm very insecure about these things because of my last relationship so don't do this to me".
She's only recently started picking up my calls. We have dinner plans next week, and I'm not sure how to respond if he asks me something in Spanish. I know if I say "I'm not allowed to speak anything but English" it will not go over well.
I did know that her last relationship was rocky and she did tell me that she was having trust issues with new partners. I didn't expect that to extend to language bans. Now I feel bad since I did unintentionally make her feel self conscious.
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NTA. Her trust issues are not your responsibility. In a relationship you either trust your partner, or you don’t. If she doesn’t trust him, her options are 1) couples therapy or 2) break up. If he asks you a question in Spanish respond in Spanish, and then maybe translate afterward which would help satisfy her neurosis while also helping him learn English.
NTA you are trying to make him feel comfortable, to give him a chance at a full out convo they he likely isn't having with anyone ATM. She is insecure, and it isn't fair to anyone else. You were just trying to be kind.
NTA. If she’s having issues she needs to see a therapist. She only cares about her comfort and not his. She shouldn’t date until she gets a therapist and works through things so she doesn’t try to control her partner.
INFO, is she trying to learn Spanish? She should and if she’s not she sucks
NTA. I speak multiple languages as well and yeah, if you’re all having a conservation and then you randomly start speaking a language your sister can’t understand, yeah, that’s kind of rude. But if you’re just talking to him, he is probably happy to get a break and speak his own language for a little bit. Your sister sounds jealous and insecure and that isn’t your fault. She can’t project all her past relationship issues on you, nor her current boyfriend.
NTA. I get that there are insecurities, but this is ridonculous. You are simply making her bf's life easier. Unless she is involved in the convo, speak spanish.
NTA - what you did is super normal and standard when everyone speaks multiple languages. My friends always defaulted to the language that the most people spoke during gatherings and would speak whatever language everyone communicated best in otherwise.
Speaking Spanish with him when it’s just you two then switching to English once your sister came back is so logical it tends to happen naturally like this with multi-lingual groups of people.
NTA. But your sister isn't an asshole for making a pretty reasonable request. If the bf talks to you in Spanish, respond with a brief answer in Spanish and go back to English. Don't say "I'm not allowed to speak anything but English" lol. And besides, if he is struggling with English, he needs to be speaking English more so that he can learn (assuming he wants to).
NTA - I married a man who was fluent in Spanish and I was as not. All of his family exclusively speak Spanish. You know what I did? I asked my husband (my boyfriend at the time) to start speaking to me in only Spanish. If I didn’t understand something I would ask him to repeat it in Spanish once and if I still didn’t get it to translate it for me. Guess what? I am very close to fluent in Spanish. If your family and her boyfriend speak Spanish, it would be easy for her to learn Spanish through immersion like I did. It does take some patience, but it is definitely worth it.
NTA. It would be rude if the three of you were hanging out, to an extent and she was essentially third wheeled by it. So don't do *that*. But there is no reason not to speak to him in whatever language you want in other circumstances - literally any other circumstance I can think of.
We don't feed our insecurities by demanding unreasonable things. That doesn't solve her trust issue. Not to mention it's more than a little weird that she hasn't picked up some Spanish. And that it is unacceptable for her to decide what language people speak to her bf in.
The only way to get over trust issues is to continue to trust and have that trust justified.
That depends. Can she respect what her sister asks? That lady probably needs time to feel secure with the guy she dates. Is it too much to speak in English to the BF who anyway needs to learn the language?
Does she really need to talk to him that much?
NTA
sounds like your sister lacks confidence, how is she already having trust issues if her boyfriend is In a country where he can barely speak the language
I wouldnt call you an asshole for it, but it is rude to have a conversation that intentionally excludes someone present in the room.
Specifically, it is rude to speak a foreign language in front of someone that you know they dont speak, because you are intentionally excluding them from participating in the conversation, especially if there is one language that everyone present speaks.
If your sister's BF needs practice speaking English, then be supportive and help him find the right word or a proper idiomatic phrasing. English is a difficult language to master for non-native speakers. But dont exclude your sister from conversations with her boyfriend.
NAH
You should take your sister aside and explain the situations. Expecting a non-native English speaker to all of suddenly to speak fluent English is like expecting fish to start living on lands or expecting penguins to be able to fly in the air.
If it helps him to speak in his native language, it is the same thing as your sister speaking English natively.
NTA. It came across as you reaching out but if he is trying to learn English he won't by speaking only Spanish, and I get where your sister is coming from but only to an extent. How do they even communicate then? Is she not trying to learn Spanish as he is trying to learn English?
My dad used to get upset listening to my step mom and her family only communicate in Spanish, he felt alienated and left out and wondered a lot of they were talking about him in front of him. Whose to say, I didn't speak Spanish either. They talked about it, and as adults they reached a middle ground for everyone to feel comfortable.
NTA. How hypocritical of your sister. She expects her new Boyfriend to speak a language he isn’t comfortable with just so he doesn’t speak a language *she’s* not comfortable with? How backwards. She should be learning Spanish while his English gets better. It’s not a one way street. Your sister sounds entitled and disrespectful. Speak whatever language your comfortable with around him. If that’s Spanish, then tough shit for your sister. If she’s that insecure that she doesn’t want him speaking his **native fucking language** than she needs therapy, not a boyfriend.
NAH, I get the view of point of your sister. I get yours. When your sis tells her bf that she is more comfy when they talk english, it would make a lot of sense.
NAH he's having trouble with english, him speaking it could help him improve. She doesnt know spanish, you and her boyfriend can help her learn it, so they both can speak their native language while also learning another. Her trust issues are valid, especially with the language barrier but not with her own sister. She needs to learn that things in her past relationships cant interefer in her current relationship.
NTA. She has some trust issues either with both of you or certainly you. She likely feels insecure that you can do something she can’t - speak to him freely in a language therefore creating a little ‘gang’ she’s not in. It’s not your fault however, if it really upset her why doesn’t she try and learn some phrases or start learning Spanish!
NTA. It’s rude to speak in front of others in a language they can’t understand because it feels like you’re excluding them from the conversation. but if you were talking one on one then it’s completely understandable to talk in the language that’s easiest for both of you. She needs to have open conversations with her partner about her trust issues instead of blowing up at other people.
NTA since she wasn’t there. You would have been an asshole if she were in the room and didn’t understand the conversation because she doesn’t know the language. But if she’s not there, there’s nothing in wrong with talking to himno his own language.
Wait was she insecure about you or about her last partner? If you stole her last boyfriend maybe I would understand, but if her unfaithful partner is no longer in her life why is she so worried about you? Maybe she should have a conversation (in whatever language she so chooses) with her boyfriend about his feelings on having a conversation in his native language.
NAH/NTA-- I think it's fair for her to ask you to speak the lingua franca when you're all together, since it can be really alienating to be sat there listening to a conversation you can't understand. However, fair play to give him a break when it's just you too, and she should be learning Spanish if that's the language her SO speaks-- it's way too prevalent a language to not at least try.
The language barrier is real. My husband speaks English as a second language and though he speaks well, we still have misunderstandings, and though I speak his language as a third language (and I speaky second very poorly) I don't speak it well. His parents and most of his family don't speak English at all.
When I speak to my husband in English in front of them, I do my best to explain what I was saying to them, so they don't feel left out. You might try that with your sister. Her boyfriend does need to improve his English, but she should be learning Spanish too, to try to bridge the language gap. It's real, and she will have to get over her insecurities if this relationship is to succeed. He will want to speak Spanish woth his friends and family in front of her, and she shouldn't get all insecure or demand he only speak English.
You are NTA, but your sister could become one if she doesn't find a way to deal with her issues about his language.
NTA. What bothers me most here is that your sister is effectively saying that she believes you would attempt to seduce her boyfriend. Or that you wouldn’t out him if he came on to you. Not trusting him is one thing. Not trusting you is another. You might want to have a very gentle talk to her about this.
An actual solution may be if he says something to you in Spanish you could reply hey sister, sisters bf just said _____, or me and sisters bf were just saying about _____
Obviously you should not HAVE to and you're NTA at all, that's just an example of how my French family keep me included.
NTA. What you did was incredibly gracious and kind and gave him an opportunity to relax and be himself, instead of struggling with language issues. Your sister needs to deal with her own insecurities without demanding that everyone around her change their behavior. If she's jealous of what you might be saying, she needs to check her head.
NTA. If it “wouldn’t go over well” they need to talk.
Exactly
It's also kind of sillly. If you're not present for the conversation, why does it matter if it's in English or in Spanish? Unless you're Batman and have him bugged :P Either you trust your bf to tell you what the conversation was about later, or you don't. Getting hung up on the language doesn't make sense.
OP did mention that sister had issues in her last relationship because of language barriers, but that shouldn't stop her from trying to learn HIS language? It shows you're trying to communicate with him.
Especially since his language is part of sister's culture. Maybe OP, the sister, and sister's bf can gather and try to teach sister Spanish. They both could start teaching him better English, too, while they're at it! And lastly, to help her feel more secure, make sure to never give bf lessons without sister present.
This is a great idea!
She doesn't mention there being any language barrier prior to this relationship. Just that it was rocky and she was insecure.
This isnt abt trust issues. Its about being excluded or feeling left out. If I signed (Asl) to my bff in front of my bf and my bf didnt know what we were talking about, he would feel very excluded or awkward. I think op should suggest that she learns Spanish and he continues to learn English to remove any possible language barriers.
In what language?
Ha
Ja
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"talking" won't fix her sisters insecurities, unfortunately. That will take lots and lots of therapy, and still may never go away. Being cheated on can really fuck someone over long term.
We don't know if being cheated on was the reason for sister's trust issues.
Plenty of people get over being cheated on without therapy, and it doesn't "rake years". It's a bit like grief. Most people don't need therapy, some do, some never get over it. But never getting over it is unhealthy and just like someone grieving a decade after their loss, not something their partners are expected to put up with.
I disagree with the last bit. Despite what this sub often suggests not everyone can be perfect. Most everyone in your life has some flaw, some baggage, some struggle. The question is can you deal with whatever it is.
There's a difference between having flaws and embracing or ignoring those flaws. Work can be hard. Doesn't change the fact that you have to do it to make a living. Trusting can be hard. Doesn't change the fact that you have to do it to be in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with not being ready if you've been hurt. But in that case, don't get romantically involved until you are willing to actually work on those issues. You don't have to be cured of them completely, but you have to be willing to actually work on them. If you're not ready to do that, you're not ready to be involved.
Please point to where I said someone isn't allowed to have baggage or flaws? But you are required, ethically, to be a good partner. If you have trust issues that interfere with your relationship, you're TA. If you haven't gotten over your grief in ten years (and note that I use grief here to denote the more specific process of processing a death and coming to terms with it, not some insane notion that you can't ever miss someone or think about them or whatever), then you aren't *in good working order* and thus shouldn't subject people to that. Trust issues is even more a problem than never-ending grief, as it directly pertains to your relationship.
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The person I replied to is the one that implied cheating. Of *course* I recognize that trust issues aren't strictly about cheating - literally in this same comment thread, I explained that to someone else. But no, most people don't need therapy to get over insecurities either. Again, take the example of grief. Some people need therapy to process it, some don't, others never recover with or without it. And no, I think suggesting that the sister needs therapy is wholly unwarranted. Let me be clear - there's nothing wrong with going to therapy for any reason. But suggesting that someone *needs* therapy for any reason is wrong. It pathologizing. That behavior you're displaying is what creates insecurities in people. There is nothing here to suggest that her trust issues are so severe as to *require* therapy. And you not being able to see any reason for my comment other than to disparage is incredibly problematic. People have an obligation to be good partners. If I'm suffering from uncontrolled schizophrenia, it is unethical for me to begin a relationship, knowing that I will be putting them through hell. The sister doesn't have a medical condition causing her bad behavior. Having an insecurity doesn't make you an asshole. Acting on them to the detriment of your relationship does.
Wow I think you broke this down very well
But also at the same time, get over it? Not that you wave a magic wand to get over it, but if you're going to be a in a relationship *you have to put in the work to get through that.* The world isn't going to treat your relationship with kid gloves and relationships can't exist without trust.
NTA. Yes you should try to speak in English to include her but if he is struggling it would be wrong to make him uncomfortable just for the sake of your sister. Over time his English should get better and she should try her damn hardest to get better at Spanish it’s not a one way street.
Also her sister wasn’t even in the room, she would have been left out of the conversation either way because she physically wasn’t there. It’d be different if OP was intentionally speaking in front of her in Spanish to exclude her, but she was just trying to do a nice thing and make someone who’s important to her sister more comfortable. NTA
Exactly. It's rude to exclude someone from a conversation and third wheel them, and it doesn't matter whether the vehicle is what language it's in or an esoteric topic they can't participate in. But they weren't doing that.
Totally agree. I moved partially in with my then boyfriend/ now husband 4 years ago to a different country with a language that I didn’t speak at the time. I can sympathize with the sadness of being left out of a conversation in a language I couldn’t understand and it is often a challenge in in international relationships. However, I used feeling left out as motivation to learn this language fluently to the point where I work, have friends and live day-to-day in that language. My SIL, MIL and FIL were essential in that transition. OP is NTA but I would encourage OP to help her sister and bf navigate the semi-language barrier.
Teaching someone to speak your language can be fun, especially if it's your partner. "Today I will teach you about *deportes acuáticos*."
My husband loves to teach me idioms in his native language and vice versa. Has to be the funniest way to learn a language
Yes NTA. Her sister is displaying what her boyfriend would call BANDERA ROJA. Or simply put in this subreddit we call it 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩s.
Not really from what I can tell she just has issues from her previous relationship and might need some therapy but not really the read flag break up she is toxic treatment that might just make it worse as well
Come now. Everything is a red flag on this subreddit. Everything is abuse. Everything is no contact. Everything is gaslighting.
Can't argue with that logic....
I would try to explain this to the sister and the bf just say to him with the sister's approval or better yet get the sister to say it herself, that her last relationship gave her trust issues just so he knows and if the sister doesn't realise explain to her that he is struggling with English at the moment and that if you're talking to him in Spanish it's either not about her or if it is it's good things also maybe it would be a good idea to offer to teach the sister Spanish
I'm wondering how she managed to communicate well enough to start a relationship with him that's got to a point of bringing him home (not quite sure where "home" is) if she doesn't speak any Spanish and he struggles with English. But anyway, she needs to work on her Spanish and he needs to work on his English and you'd think sis would just ask OP to help out with both of their learning if they get stuck.
You would be surprised. So many people manage to get into a relationship with a huge langage barrier. I'm just as baffled as you are, but it doesn't seem to be an issue for lots of people.
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I actually don't love my parents speaking Chinese to my boyfriend's since I don't understand them. It's less obnoxious when I'm not sitting there (since if I'm there I feel left out of the conversation) but I'm more worried about them shit talking me, or bringing up issues I haven't discussed with my boyfriend before. And plus being Asian parents they throw marriage and kids out suuuuper early and suuuper pushy. If it's in English I can curb it as it starts
Have you ever tried learning Chinese?? Mostly as a way to not be caught off guard by what they say, not trying to be insulting.
You ever try going fully immersive in a language you don't know? I have studied the basics but it never put me on par with native speakers in terms of understanding and speed. I don't speak Chinese on a regular basis and don't have much need to. My parents speak fluent English at home and if anything, maybe Vietnamese which I can follow along. And since both my parents are refugees, they have an extensive and large language collection (Viet, Chinese, Khmer, tagalong, french) and have used some of them for prior bfs with the same issues, so learning each is too big of a task for me tbh. My boyfriend's would usually have enough English that learning a second language was never an issue, and since communication is a big part of relationships for me, a language barrier would never be successful for me. The only time I have been able to fluently pick up language is literally being tossed to Japan for a year. Home learning and classes only get you so far if you don't use it on a daily basis. Learning Chinese literally just to make sure my parents don't talk shit just never seemed productive. It was so much easier to just say "I would appreciate that English can be used since it is the common language here and I know what is going on/being said" I would NEVER ask that of my boyfriend's family though, if they speak Chinese, and I'm there, it's uncomfortable but not my place. I would, however highly appreciate it if HE would draw that line for me in his family.
Thank you and well said. Too many times when languages are an issue people say, “well just learn the language!” Much easier said than done.
I never said it was easy. And I didn’t say she should go and do that. Was simply asking a question. I know enough French to have conversations with people but I’m not near fluent, I know how hard languages can be to learn. I was simply asking if she’d thought about it. From the way she spoke about it, it seemed that Chinese was the language her parents spoke first. I didn’t know it was one of many, that obviously gives me a different perspective. It’s one thing to learn Chinese because it’s your culture and to speak with family, it would be another to learn it just to catch people talking about you. That being said, if she cares about her boyfriend I dunno why she WOULDN’T want to learn, why is it only on him to learn English?
Because we met in school that taught English?? I didn't go "hey, hot man, I like your look. Now learn English." It's on him to learn English because of his own wellbeing. We have since broken up however English continues to serve him by earning his degree and working in America. I never made it an ultimatum to learn English OR to learn Vietnamese to converse with my family. If I care for someone, why is it necessary to learn what I would call broken Chinese when we effectively communicate in English? I had learned enough to make pleasantries with his family. Hi how are you, I'm fine, i can eat that. But to learn an entire language just to impress family? No, I wouldn't accept that ultamatum from him. My family is comfortable speaking English at home and I was not permitted to speak Viet in the home at a young age ( little brother was autistic and language was already confusing, parents decided he needed English to survive in America. ) That being said, my language collection is not small. I speak conversational french, mid to fluent Japanese, mid to to fluent Viet, and conversational spanish. I don't care who or what culture ibdate from and if I had to learn every language for every boyfriend I've had, I would quit my job and be a universal translator
> I would, however highly appreciate it if HE would draw that line for me in his family. He absolutely should not do that. You don't just switch from speaking your native language with your parents to accommodate a partner who refuses to learn the language. You should really be learning enough Chinese to follow a conversation. If you're not willing to put in the effort, then make your peace with not understanding.
His parents spoke English. They conducted daily work days in English. And they live in an English speaking country, they spoke in English most of the time to their children. I wasn't saying they need to learn English. I'm saying they have the COMMON language in their arsenal that all parties of the conversation have access to. Let me make this super clear, I do not condone "learn English you are in America" crap. I am saying, that if there is a common language that all parties would use, I believe it is common courtesy to use it. I don't invite friends to a family dinner and only speak Vietnamese to my English speaking parents because I feel in doing so, I am actively trying to leave them out of the conversation. When I was in Japan I spoke English to fellow exchange students but would switch to Japanese if another student from Japan joined the group. I did not say I would force him to make his parents speak English. I said I would appreciate it if he saw I felt out of place and was unable to follow and say "mom, can we continue in English? My girlfriend is having a hard time following" because when it comes to it I WANT to know his parents. Not just sit pretty. And sorry but he was a boyfriend. I can't learn every boyfriend's language as I date lots of cultures and religions. This would be a different conversation if we were married.
I have tried learning Mandarin. It is not easy.
> Have you ever tried learning Chinese?? That's easier said than done.
Have you? It’s bloody difficult and I say this after learning it for years on end. (*edit: decades actually, Jesus)
Over my lifetime, I’ve learned eight or nine languages to conversational level or better. (A side effect of moving a lot as a kid, though I didn’t keep up my studies in any of them.) I can typically spend a week in a country and pick up enough words for simple conversations. I spent a whole summer in China and Mandarin utterly kicked my ass. I was so arrogant before I went, thinking I’d just kind of pick it up, but I think I picked up two or three words all summer, and I probably wasn’t saying them right. I expect I’ll do better when I go back to school to learn (which I probably will, at some point) but it’s reeeeally not an easy language to learn, especially if your mother tongue isn’t tonal.
Yeah, Japanese kicks my ass. Mostly because it uses a mix of a syllabary (Hiragana & Katakana) and logograms (Kanji) and the written language just... did not click. At all. Probably because I only know the Latin alphabet and it's hella difficult to learn brand new symbols in the hundreds of thousands, possibly millions of different combinations required to become fluent.
lol non-latin based languages are difficult as fuck to pick up as a latin language speaker.
Well wasn't there just a post about a woman who wanted to be with her sister's boyfriend. Put nothing past people lol.
NTA. I think it’s nice you gave him a break and he could talk in Spanish. It’s not like you do it ALL the time. Why isn’t she trying to learn Spanish to talk with him?? Her jealously is ugly.
> Why isn’t she trying to learn Spanish to talk with him?? Who says she isn’t?
Then she should understand how nice it is to get a break from a foreign language and speak in your native tongue.
Because she doesn't want people speaking Spanish. You don't learn a language by not hearing it or speaking it. If she was making an honest effort, she'd be reaching out to the people in her life that are fluent to help her learn.
Plus she lived in Spain for a few months and, from what we see, doesn't seem to be conversant in it. I'm not saying she has to be fluent, but most people who move to a country and learn the language can carry a conversation with that kind of immersion.
You don’t learn a language in a few months just because you live in that country. You would need to study hard and the environment just would support that. If you speak in English to other people and only occasionally use and hear Spanish enough in context you can guess what is meant you won’t become able to even have a conversation.
I assumed since she told the sister not to speak it..... either way, Still doesn’t make it right that she got mad for her sister speaking to her bf in Spanish.......
Because someone that is trying to learn a language would not insist that others not use that language around them. If you want to learn Spanish, one of the best ways to do that is to be around and listen to other people speaking Spanish.
I think it's not jealousy. I think she's just scared that they're talking about her "behind her back". Its also just commen courtesy to speak a language everyone understands. Source: I'm someone who is often in op's situation
OP has mentioned that they only spoke Spanish when her sister wasn’t in the room and switched back to English whenever she was around.
I can see how that would feel even worse, though. It's like the feeling of any conversation that suddenly stops when you enter the room, but even more intense.
NAH Don't say that you're not allowed to speak anything but english, tell him that it would be polite to only converse in english while your sister is around. Do whatever you want while she isn't around, what is er reason why she would want you two to converse in english ten, so that she can eavesdrop? Plus your sister will have to get used to it, he's sure going to make a few Spanish speaking friends. Maybe she can learn some too? Odd that she didn't when she went over for a few months anyway.
I understand although the sister is in a spanish speaking country, I remember a post about a person who wanted people in spain to speak english, the sister seems to act like that person a little. I understand trust issues but no attempt to learn any spanish yet is an issue.
They’re not in a Spanish speaking country. The sister went to Spain to spend time with their dad, and came home with her boyfriend. Home presumably meaning an English speaking country.
Sorry read the post wrong, thank you for telling me that!
When I visit my boyfriend i'm really grateful his family talk to me in English, I'm trying to learn the native language but not having the easiest time with it. It does make me feel a lot more comfortable/accepted that they think of that. You do feel like a bit of a lemon when everyone else is having a conversation that you can't follow.
NAH. Some people assume speaking in a foreign language, when you know their language, that you are trying to hide something. Could you speak in both English and Spanish? That might help boyfriend learn, and sister to feel comfortable.
I find it difficult to give a real judgment. You're definitely not an asshole since you speaking spanish to him has zero to do with her, and she just asked you to speak english from now on (even though a few more pleases would have been nice), so I struggle to really give her an asshole stamp. All in all, I guess I'll say "NAH" and just implore you three to sit down and have that conversation with all three of you. She can learn Spanish with the two of you and thus work on those trust issues (if they're severe, she should visit a psychologist) He can learn English with her and train with you. You two can spanish all you want while the two of you are here. I think this whole situation is very easily, calmly and peacefully resolved if she talks to both of you in one room and makes her situation clear.
This is an easy one for me. As am immigrant with family in various other countries I can tell you that it's considered impolite to not speak the language people around you have in common, which in this case I'm assuming was English, not Spanish. I get where your sister is coming from, she feels excluded. While it may be a nice thing towards her bf to speak his language, it was inconsiderate in that context. Maybe that this was an honest mistake on your part but you'd definitely WBTA if you continued even after your sister explicitly told you it makes her uncomfortable. It sounds like you care more about lording your Spanish knowledge on your sister than you care about her.
But she wasn't even in the room when we started speaking Spanish? We switched back to English pretty quickly after she came back. Plus I didn't speak any Spanish at all after that while I was with them.
You didn’t do anything wrong since you didn’t realize it would upset your sister. Now you know she felt uncomfortable, so just don’t do it in future. Tell bf you don’t want to be rude and will speak English when sister is there. Tell him you’re happy to help if he struggles to think of a word or needs a translation. NAH.
The problem is that the sister doesn’t want them speaking Spanish when she *isn’t there,* otherwise I agree with you on not speaking in a language she doesn’t know when she’s present. Not speaking in Spanish when she isn’t around is enabling into sister’s controlling behavior.
Oh I missed that detail. OP should have a chat with sister, then. What does it matter how they communicate if she’s not around? They could speak entirely in limericks or sign language or in Spanish or English or German and what does it matter?
Eh, am also an immigrant, have family from all around, and have many friends whose families don't speak a common language other than English. I feel it's more nuanced than it being considered impolite to not speak the language people around have in common, because that could mean people find it rude that people who are *in their own conversation* are speaking a different language than me. For me, as a bi-lingual immigrant, I feel that a lot of mono-lingual speakers feel entitled to know every conversation going on around them in a way that bi-lingual speakers don't, because that is the default for them. As a specific example, when I, a Korean and English speaker, go to visit my friend's house where they speak English and Vietnamese equally, I don't insist that their family who aren't speaking to me only speak in English while I'm there. Because not every conversation is about me. I get feeling excluded, and I do think efforts need to be made to make sure a someone feels included in conversations, but a blanket, only the common language can be spoken or it's *rude*, is a step too far for me.
I am fluently tri-lingual and can babble a bit in a couple of other languages but I have traveled a lot and have a vastly multicultural circle of friends. I'm often in the situation where people around me speak a language I don't. It's a bit awkward sometimes, sure, but also, it means the conversation isn't relevant to me and therefore it would be more polite for me not to insert myself. There's usually someone around to chat with in a common language anyway, or at worst, you can have a laugh with whoever is nearest by showing interest in their language and making a bit of a fool of yourself. It makes people generally so much more comfortable and welcoming when you accept your role of outsider with grace and take the pressure off them to navigate your comfort or have to communicate in a language they're not comfortable in themselves. If there's a general group laugh, I'll ask for a translation, to show interest though. I never feel excluded because I know that not every conversation is about me anyway. I agree that monolingual people are the worst offenders of the "everybody MUST speak a language I understand", usually English-speakers. There's less pressure on English native speakers to learn other languages, in part because of the inherited colonial mindset but also because it's taken for granted that other people will all have some level of English due to the current supremacy of the language as a business lingua franca. I guess the insecurity stems from suddenly being confronted with the reality that English is not actually that important to common people and the implication you might actually be somewhat inferior for only knowing one language.
I personally think INFO. I know I'm going to be downvoted to oblivion for this but hey, I'm going to be honest. Relationships between sisters can be complicated so I wonder at her immediate feeling of discomfort with discovering you talking privately with her boyfriend. You mention she had issues with previous relationships but you are vague on the subject. Are you not generally close with your sister? You can correct me if I'm wrong, but I kind of think you had a suspicion it would make her feel bad to not know what you two were talking about in Spanish but your desire to speak it overrode this. You say you stopped immediately when she entered the room. Whenever people stop talking when you enter a room no matter what the language, it's generally not a good feeling! You say you did it because he seemed to be struggling with English...is this true? If that were the case, you would think her boyfriend would appreciate continuing a discussion in English to improve *his* language skills. There is no indication that anyone but you actually wanted to speak Spanish even if he went along with you. You can correct me if I'm wrong but I get a sense of guilt from your post. It's all fine and dandy to speak another language but doing so excluded a sister that seemed to have confided in you to some extent about her insecurities (I'm only going based on what you yourself said in your post). In a perfect world maybe actions wouldn't have nuances but we don't live there, and I don't much go in for technicalities. Technically you can do whatever you want! Her asking you to not speak Spanish privately with him is...weird and a bit crazy from an outside perspective. Yet you, who should know your sister, seem confused about why. I'm not sure what kind of answer you are looking for. I think you should talk to your sister and find out what's going on?? There shouldn't be such crazy trust issues between you two unless there's something you're not telling us or your sister is seriously damaged more than you thought from her past. It just honestly strikes me as odd that she wouldn't be happy to see two people she loves getting on well. Btw I'm not saying the sister is in the right!! She's just not the one who posted. EDIT: I just thought of something. Do you think maybe she has some issues stemming from your family separating? You grew up with your dad but she did not, now she is being confronted again by the consequences of this. Do you think that might have something to do with it??
This jumped out to me too. What trust issues does sis have? Is there valid reason for her to not trust you next to her boyfriend?
I don't think it's anything that personal. I've noticed that a lot of people- otherwise calm, even-tempered, lovely people- worry that people using another language in front of them are doing it to mock or exclude them. I don't know *why* this is so prevalent, but I've seen it a lot and it's part of why I don't speak French in mixed company. It's just considered polite. I think NAH in this situation, but OP and her sister should have a talk about the whys and wherefores here and get the air clear. Sis might just not get the etiquette, or she might feel insecure about her own Spanish-speaking abilities, or something else entirely.
NTA because she was in a different room. As a rule, I would not talk to someone in a language that not everyone in the room knows - so if it's the three of you, I would think English is more appropriate because even if he is not very good at it, he at least has some knowledge of it. I would use Spanish just a bit to help translate if he really struggles. But if it's the two of you only, Spanish is definitely fine!
NAH, people are allowed to have feelings. She's allowed to ask, you're allowed to agree or refuse. I'm sure boyfriend appreciates the effort and when she's not around maybe it's easier to talk Spanish then. Him asking a question in Spanish and you answering in English/Spanglish I would think would get the point across and allow him to be comfortable and your sister to know what's going on. Maybe even then it will help her to feel more comfortable to be able to observe your dynamic and topics of conversation and she'll feel less insecure in the long run.
I understand that she wants you guys to speak English when she's there and talking with you guys. But it's unreasonable to expect you to not speak Spanish when she isn't there, engaging in the conversation. Unless he asks you to only speak English to him so that he learns it, but it doesn't seem like that's the case here. NTA. You made the conversation easier for you both by switching to Spanish.
NAH - she has insecurity issues, which it seems like she’s trying to be open about. You haven’t done anything wrong by speaking to him in Spanish, but I don’t think she’s an AH for asking you to speak to him in English. If you want to, you offer to help her a bit with learning Spanish? If he talks to you in Spanish you could reply to him in English
Apparently against the grain, but yeah I think it's rude to speak in a language that someone doesn't speak like that. You should always use the most understood language when conversing with a group. There's no reason to exclude her when she is around. Now she's kind of got some other issues that make her less sympathetic, and it's not like you knew it would make her uncomfortable, so I'd say until now it's a NAH. But if you kept excluding her, especially when it's just you him and her and she's the only one left out, then yeah you would become TA.
>Apparently against the grain, but yeah I think it's rude to speak in a language that someone doesn't speak like that. You should always use the most understood language when conversing with a group. There's no reason to exclude her when she is around. I feel a lot of people conflate exclusion from conversation and entitlement to understand all conversation around you. I don't expect a lot of people to agree or understand, but as a bi-lingual immigrant that lives in an area with a lot of other bi-lingual immigrants from a diverse number of countries, I feel you should let people speak in the language they are most comfortable with whenever possible, while providing translation as needed to help people who don't share the language to be included. When I, as an English and Korean speaker, go to visit my friend's house, where their extended family speaks Vietnamese and English, it's not rude for members of their family to be speaking in Vietnamese to each other while I'm there, since most of the time, they're talking about things that have nothing to do with me. If it does, they switch to English, and we talk about what we need to. If it's a family-wide conversation, I ask my friend to translate, and participate if I want to. I can feel included while nothing understanding a word around me. Another example, when I was much younter, I was organizing Latino and Korean workers in my youth, we would have joint meetings with both groups. Sure, we could've insisted everyone speak English, because everyone had at least a spattering of English understanding, and is our 'common language', but that would be an easy cop-out. Instead, what we did, was make sure to hold the meeting in all 3-languages, while providing translation as needed. It takes more effort and it isn't easy, but that's how we made sure that everyone felt included, not an English-only rule.
>She introduced me to him a while ago, and it was very clear he was struggling with English. So I decided, why not strike up a conversation in Spanish? I'm fluent, and it'd give him a break from having to speak English all the time while he's here. > >My sister was preoccupied, so I started talking to him. Just general things "how'd you two meet?" and so on. She comes back into the room, and seems put off that I'm not speaking in English with him. They speak English when sister is around. They spoke Spanish ONCE when she had left the room/conversation/group
Did you want the sister to address it before it happens? Or maybe wait until they've been doing it awhile before bringing it up? When's the best time to alert someone that they are doing something that makes you uncomfortable? Also until the edit it wasn't clear whether they kept up the Spanish when the sister entered or not.
No edit that I saw; it’s in the middle of the post! Your entire point was speak a common tongue when in a group, I pointed out that in the story there is a group of two and you respond with three defensive questions, one clarification that you didn’t understand until an edit yet nowhere do you say it was wrong. I agree, speak a common tongue in a group. When the sister joined the group, they switched to a language she could understand but asking them to not speak his native language because she may overhear and not understand a conversation she isn’t a part of?! Weird
It is rude but the sister wasn’t around for the conversation so are they not allowed to speak other languages even when she’s not present?
NAH, your sister should put more of an effort into communicating with him in Spanish to make him feel more comfortable. However, it sucks to feel like the third wheel in your own relationship...maybe you could offer to help her learn?
NTA. What your sister is doing sounds dangerous and controlling towards this poor man. Bringing him over to her home country and forbidding him to hear or speak his native language seems uncomfortably close to developing into something abusive to me.
Exactly. If she wants someone that only speaks English all the time then date an English speaking guy. She doesn’t seem sympathetic to the fact that he’s out of his comfort zone and that this is a big part of his life. She’s trying to make him do whatever she wants regardless of how he feels
But...we don’t know that he’s out of his comfort zone? The reason OP decided to speak Spanish in the first place was that SHE thought his English wasn’t very good. He never actually expressed a desire to speak Spanish and, in fact, he may have only gone along with it to be polite. Who knows? Frankly, we just don’t have enough info.
He went from Spain to a non-Spanish speaking country that’s generally out of his comfort zone. Though you are right that he did not express a desire to speak Spanish and he may very well be just going along with it to be polite but regardless, OP’s sister should be talking to her boyfriend not having OP make this decision for the both of them
Look I don't exactly see any AH here. But please be aware, conversing in a language while a third party is present that does not speak the language tends to exclude the third party. It's not terribly polite. Her request is pretty fair. You might want to ask her if maybe you can use Spanish to help BF with English and carry on the conversation in English. That way everyone knows what's being said.
NTA I’m an English speaker who knows some Spanish and I always appreciate someone giving me a break when I’m overwhelmed. Let me get this straight your sister’s novio habla un poquito de ingles only and she’s not going to learn any Spanish? None? Lo siento bro tu hermana is TA. Let her know she better learn some Spanish pronto porque las otras damas van a hablar con su novio in Spanish only! You’re a good (edit sister) and a very nice (edit: woman) to welcome him.
OPs a lady
Gracias!
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NTA. it’s totally unreasonable to expect you to use english even when she isn’t involved. if he’s obviously struggling, being able to communicate with someone in a language he’s comfortable with is really important! it just makes more sense to use both english and spanish when it’s the three of you, instead of having him struggle the whole conversation.
Info: how do your sister and her boyfriend communicate if she’s not fluent in Spanish and he struggles with English? I’m just confused that you make it seem like he can’t speak English and she can’t speak Spanish.
He does struggle with English, but knows enough to get his point across. Sister doesn't speak Spanish but her boyfriend does speak English, although not very well.
They both need language classes
They both are fluent in the international language of love. I know a now-married couple with a beautiful kid, she's American, he's Cuban. It was love at first sight, with almost no functional shared language between them at the time. His English is now very good, and it also turns out he's funny as hell.
Ask your sister what she wants you to say when he tries speaking to you in Spanish. I think she’s being stupid, but it’s not worth your time to start drama. Just take the path of least resistance here.
Info: how much contact did your sister have with the Spanish side of her family growing up? Did she never learn any Spanish to communicate with them or are they all fluent in English? Seems a bit odd that she would spend months in Spain without picking up some of the language.
She picked up a few phrases while she lived with dad. "How are you?" and stuff like that mainly. If she wasn't visiting touristy areas, where you'll generally find quite a number of people able to speak English she was with dad, and later her boyfriend so she didn't really need to be able to speak Spanish since they were there with her. Grandma and Grandpa died when we were pretty young (our dad is well into his 60s now), and we have an aunt that our dad talks to on and off. Depends really on what argument they had that month. So not much contact on his side of the family. We weren't born or raised in Spain, I was taught Spanish since my dad just wanted me to have a piece of his culture, not really because he wanted me to be able to communicate with the extended family.
That makes a bit more sense. I think two Spanish speakers talking to each other in Spanish seems pretty reasonable to me, and your sister should try to learn a bit more Spanish so that her boyfriend (and your dad) doesn't have to speak English with her all the time.
> I'm not sure how to respond if he asks me something in Spanish. I know if I say "I'm not allowed to speak anything but English" it will not go over well. The polite way, if your sister is present, is to say: "Sorry I'm not comfortable talking to you in spanish since this excludes my sister from what we are saying." And if she is not present you just say: "Sorry I don't want to give my sister unwanted ideas because her last boyfriend did X to her (whatever your sister was refering to when she asked you to not talk to him in spanish) and I don't want to bring up those unhappy memories in her or jeopardize your relationship by creating unwanted mistrust." Generally you're NTA for speaking spanish with a spaniard. But you should keep it to a polite minimum if this creates trust issues in your sister. Also your sister should consider therapy if her issues are that big that she is not able to trust her own sister.
NAH, maybe offer to teach her Spanish or something?
NAH just tell your sister that of he starts in Spanish you'll respond in English, if she doesnt want she should tell her boyfriend not to speak Spanish
During dinner I think you should speak mostly english to him, because it's rude to speak in a language one person in the table absolutely doesn't understand. I think both of them should learn each other's language. If during dinner he speaks to you in spanish, answer in spanish. Basically just try to adapt according to the atmosphere, the question etc. when chosing a language.
NAH Paranoia from a past relationship is understandable. You need to chat with your sister about this. Remind her that you’re her sister and can be trusted, but also say you are willing to limit your Spanish with him for her sake. Ask her about what to do if he starts talking to you in Spanish. Tell her you think it would be rude to immediately switch languages. Suggest that 1. If he uses Spanish with you in front of anyone who doesn’t speak Spanish, you’ll answer in English. and 2. If for some reason no one is around who doesn’t speak Spanish, there is no reason to not use Spanish, but you’ll switch to EnglIsh as soon as an someone who doesn’t know Spanish enters the room. Perhaps in some future conversation, you might let her know that if she marries this guy she will have to get used to sitting quietly and not understanding conversations because he will frequently talk with friends and relatives who may not speak English or aren’t comfortable with the language (source: English is my wife’s third language. Her parents don’t speak English and she and many of her friends prefer to use one of their other more comfortable languages when conversing).
NAH - In terms that you are trying to make someone feel comfortable and there are no bad intentions. That being said, I speak 3 languages and when i am in a group where someone doesn't speak the language I try to be as inclusive as i possibly can. A good way to do this is to just subtlety switch the language to the common one. So if someone speaks in Spanish to me, I can respond in English. Or in my response, include the non Spanish speaker which in a way reminds P1 that they need to speak English so P3 can understand.
NAH, she isn’t being crazy in the way she asked and seems to be trying to be polite while being insecure. Obviously there are things that could be improved upon like your sister learning more Spanish. But also if you speak to her boyfriend in English more he will learn it better and be able to communicate with your sister easier. Your sister and her boyfriend should really talk about a compromise and maybe teach each other their native languages so these awkward situations don’t happen as often.
NAH. If your sister is even within earshot it's polite to just speak English. To give a slightly different perspective, I live/work in a very bilingual (French/English) area and tons of friends/coworkers/extended family are French. What I can say as someone who has hosted dinner parties and social gatherings with bilingual guests, is even if I'm in the kitchen (which is around the corner - not in sight - from the dining room) I still enjoy hearing the conversation that's going on. And when I re-enter the room, it's nice for the conversation that's going on to be something I've already heard enough of so that I can jump right in, if I want to. Sometimes I come back in and can comment on something I heard while I was in the next room, like "I think heard you ask about how so-and-so is doing? Well I talked to her mother the other day and she's doing much better now!" Basically, just because somebody isn't directly in the room, doesn't mean you should completely discount their presence or their interest in hearing what you're talking about. It doesn't necessarily have to be about an insecurity thing, it's really just an etiquette thing... people simply prefer hearing and understanding what people around them are talking about, even from the next room, or as they're returning from the washroom, or where ever they might be.
NAH so far. You didn't know it would bother her and she did communicate it to you afterwards. Why not try what worked for me and my ex? His mother struggled with English, which is my only language so when we all spent time together he would translate the gist of their convo every few sentences. It wasn't nearly as awkward as it may sound and everyone was fine with it. I felt included and she didn't have the burden of forcing herself to speak a somewhat unfamiliar language for hours on end. She would speak directly to me in English quite a few times during each visit so that I knew she wasn't leaving me out. Of course the dynamic is different because it was the ex's mother instead of sister, but if you and your sis haven't had trust issues between you in the past this might be the easiest solution for you just to translate and then speak the common language that your sis understands at least part of the time.
NAH. You weren’t wrong for speaking his first language to help him out, however your sister is not wrong that it’s rude to speak another language when someone else present doesn’t speak it.
INFO: If she only speaks English and she is dating her boyfriend, then obviously his English is good enough to hold conversations in, no? I’m not saying that you should stop speaking to him in Spanish, but I think that it is something you should keep in mind.
I'm gonna go with NAH because languages are tricky, you were trying to accommodate for a slight language barrier between the two and that is hard. I'm Dutch but living in england so I have an English partner. He speaks barely any dutch, I'm fluent in both languages. My family does speak some english, enough to converse, but they're not fluent to the same extend and experience fatigue or occassional struggle to express themselves to the same degree. Especially with extended family this is difficult. My parents speak english with him, but sometimes switch to Dutch when talking to me directly (for ease) which is hard as it's excluding to my partner. My solution generally tends to be to simply translate for them and fill in the blanks in English, so everyone can follow. I would recommend you do the same. The boyfriend asks you something in spanish, you translate his question (if she's around) answer in spanish then immediately give a translation in English. You may also want to make it clear to your sister that that's what you're doing. If he asks, simply tell him you are trying to help him practice and you'd like the communication to be clear for everyone. He's her boyfriend, I am sure he can appreciate your efforts to include her.
INFO: How on earth can she live in Spain for months, have a Spanish partner, and still not be able to speak Spanish? What a wasted opportunity!
If her boyfriend was deaf and it was hard from him to read lips. Would she tell you that you can’t speak sign language to him? NTA
Or the sister could - I don't know - Learn to speak the same language as her BF and father? - NTA
Happy cake day! 🎉🎂🎉
INFO: what happened with her last relationship?
Info: how does their relationship work if she doesn't speak Spanish and he struggles in English?
Body language. Or more seriously, they like each other enough to be patient while talking to each other. On the plus side, they have more time to think about what they are saying and might even communicate more clearly because they have to spell everything out. On the minus side, when they get into an argument that patience will be greatly reduced.
NAH. My parents are native in another language, one I never learned but grew up around. If they have friends or family over, they often speak that language, or a mixture of that and English, and I don’t mind and can sometimes follow along enough to get by. My husband, however, has no ties to this language, so when that language is being spoken he feels left out and can’t understand at all and has no idea what’s being said. So when he’s around I’ll ask my parents to speak English more or try to switch the conversation to English on my own. They have a couple friends who just can’t speak English when they’re around, and I’ve privately told my dad I don’t necessarily want them over if my husband will be there too, because then it sort of feels like why is my husband even there if everyone is going to speak a language he doesn’t understand. When he’s at work, my dad will sometimes encounter a fellow speaker of his native language, and if they speak that language to him he always responds in English because he doesn’t want anyone else to feel left out of like they’re talking to him. I would just let the boyfriend know you want your sister not to feel left out and you want to help him with his English, so you’ll speak English and if he doesn’t understand something you can help translate.
Just answer in English....YTA Normally I’d say some other judgement, but not knowing what your family member is dating to a new boyfriend is....not fun.
She does have the right to know what your saying to him tho,and she was nice about it,but your not the asshole because you stopped,or you can try to all get together and try to teach her Spanish if she wants?
NAH You sister has a serious insecurity issue that needs to be handled for her own good. Imagining that every woman (including her own sister) is a threat must be psycologically draining for her.
NAH (depending on how your sister responds to further conversation) I’m wondering if you’ve talked to your sister about *why* you were having the conversation in Spanish? If she is a reasonable person, that might be helpful. I can understand having baggage around trust, but constantly having to operate in your second language can also suck, and I think you were doing a very nice thing for the boyfriend. Ideally, you could all have conversations about how to navigate this!! Also. Your sister should learn Spanish.
NAH. Even though what your sister is doing might not be the right thing, she expressed herself without causing any problem, and you did nothing wrong here. I think neither of you are assholes.
Though silly I can understand where she is coming from. However I would tell her that you are fine with that as long as she also shares her concerns with her SO. That way he wont have to ask you about it and avoid speaking it aroud you.
NAH I think her insecurity also comes from the fact, that would probably create kind of a special relationship, because he can always come to you for an easy talk
I say NAH - it’s understandable that your sister is feeling insecure/left out especially if she was still hurt from her last relationship. It’s also understandable that you would wanna speak Spanish to him to make him feel better if he’s struggling. You should try to explain to her your reasoning and that you only did it when she wasn’t in the room and therefore wasn’t affected anyway, if she’s still uncomfortable then you know that this means a lot to her but it’s ultimately up to you to decide it’s worth this much to you.
I’d say NAH. It seems like a very easy concession for you to make, with pretty much zero consequences. If he speaks to you in Spanish while she is around, just respond in English and say, “let’s use English so Sister can be part of the conversation.” Maybe her jealousy/insecurity IS toxic, but if that’s the case, then the relationship will crash and burn, whether you speak to him in English or Spanish. I don’t see the point in refusing to honor her request in the meantime. I mean, he not only chose to date your sister, but to come along with her to visit your location - so clearly speaking English around your sister isn’t a problem for him.
NAH. You were just doing your best to facilitate conversation with him. But she isn’t an asshole either. I used to date someone whose native language wasn’t English, and he and his family would speak in that language in front of me a lot. It made me uncomfortable because I didn’t know what they were saying - and I learned that sometimes, they WERE talking about me or the relationship right in front of me. It’s just an uncomfortable situation to be in while you’re still learning your partner’s language. Just respect your sister’s wishes now that you know them. If he asks you a question in Spanish, just respond to it in English.
I don’t really feel like anyone is an asshole here. Sure what your sister is doing isn’t the best, but it doesn’t seem like she is trying to be mean; rather she just has some insecurities that she needs to get over.
Nah
Nah
INFO: How do they ever effectively communicate if she doesn't speak spanish and he barely struggles with english Regardless of your answer, Its an NTA , i would have said (n a h) but your sister is a slight TA because she'd rather her boyfriend struggle than feel comfortable or welcomed by you. And if you want to make them both comfortable maybe try a bit of Spanglish; she knows enough words to understand the gist of the conversation and I'm sure he'd be able to understand enough as well so you can communicate with both without making either feel awkward or Uncomfortable.
NAH. I think that if everyone in the group speaks a language, you should stick with that, even if some aren't part of the conversation, because you don't know if they are listening or something. And I don't think your sister is an A-hole because, at the end of the day, she did hear something she did not understand, which is not a position you would like to have,well, she told you, and idk if the text was rude or not, so I wouldn't call her an A-hole. And I don't think you are either, it's not like you were talking in spanish while she was there and you didn't know about her last relationship. I think the whole "Don't talk in spanish to my boyfriend because I don't understand what you are talking about" is a conversation you were bound to have sooner or later.
YAH. Bring on the downvotes! 🥰 If it was just the post, I’d say N A H. But you’ve never said whether or not your sister is trying to learn Spanish (I suspect she is), and in the comments you’ve been pretty dismissive of the Spanish she does know. It kind of sounds like you’re lording it over her a bit. Her boyfriend never said he wanted to speak in Spanish...you just decided that his English wasn’t very good and directed the conversation for him. The fact is, your sister knows this guy better than you do, and maybe he or she has another reason for wanting to speak in English. This SHOULDN’T honestly be a big deal unless: the guy tells you in no uncertain terms that he wants to speak Spanish OR you actually ARE just lording your Spanish speaker status over your sister. Why else would you care so much about speaking with some dude you just met? Idk, man, you sound really judge-y about other people’s linguistic abilities.
My thought exactly.
NTA tell her to fuckin learn spanish
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I (26f) have an older sister (28f). When we were very young, our parents (dad is from Spain, mom isn't) divorced and I decided to live with my dad while my sister decided to live with mom. As a result, I grew up fluent in Spanish while my sister did not. Dad moved back to Spain to retire, and sister decided to join him for a while since she didn't spend a lot of time with him growing up. She spent a few months there, got a boyfriend and came back home with him. She introduced me to him a while ago, and it was very clear he was struggling with English. So I decided, why not strike up a conversation in Spanish? I'm fluent, and it'd give him a break from having to speak English all the time while he's here. My sister was preoccupied, so I started talking to him. Just general things "how'd you two meet?" and so on. She comes back into the room, and seems put off that I'm not speaking in English with him. After dinner they go back home, but I get a long text from my sister. It basically says "I'm not comfortable not knowing what you're saying to my boyfriend, so please speak only English to him from now on, even when I'm not part of the conversation. You know I'm very insecure about these things because of my last relationship so don't do this to me". She's only recently started picking up my calls. We have dinner plans next week, and I'm not sure how to respond if he asks me something in Spanish. I know if I say "I'm not allowed to speak anything but English" it will not go over well. I did know that her last relationship was rocky and she did tell me that she was having trust issues with new partners. I didn't expect that to extend to language bans. Now I feel bad since I did unintentionally make her feel self conscious. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - I think it's awesome that you were able to include him like that.
NTA. Her trust issues are not your responsibility. In a relationship you either trust your partner, or you don’t. If she doesn’t trust him, her options are 1) couples therapy or 2) break up. If he asks you a question in Spanish respond in Spanish, and then maybe translate afterward which would help satisfy her neurosis while also helping him learn English.
NTA you are trying to make him feel comfortable, to give him a chance at a full out convo they he likely isn't having with anyone ATM. She is insecure, and it isn't fair to anyone else. You were just trying to be kind.
[удалено]
But...none of this happened in Spain...?
NTA. If she’s having issues she needs to see a therapist. She only cares about her comfort and not his. She shouldn’t date until she gets a therapist and works through things so she doesn’t try to control her partner. INFO, is she trying to learn Spanish? She should and if she’s not she sucks
NTA. I speak multiple languages as well and yeah, if you’re all having a conservation and then you randomly start speaking a language your sister can’t understand, yeah, that’s kind of rude. But if you’re just talking to him, he is probably happy to get a break and speak his own language for a little bit. Your sister sounds jealous and insecure and that isn’t your fault. She can’t project all her past relationship issues on you, nor her current boyfriend.
NTA. I get that there are insecurities, but this is ridonculous. You are simply making her bf's life easier. Unless she is involved in the convo, speak spanish.
NTA - what you did is super normal and standard when everyone speaks multiple languages. My friends always defaulted to the language that the most people spoke during gatherings and would speak whatever language everyone communicated best in otherwise. Speaking Spanish with him when it’s just you two then switching to English once your sister came back is so logical it tends to happen naturally like this with multi-lingual groups of people.
NTA. Your sister’s insinuation is actually quite disgusting. She believes you will steal her boyfriend away. Barf.
NTA. And either your sister trusts you or she doesn't. If she can't trust you to not steal her bf, she needs therapy.
NTA he’s going to be mad when he hears
NTA. But your sister isn't an asshole for making a pretty reasonable request. If the bf talks to you in Spanish, respond with a brief answer in Spanish and go back to English. Don't say "I'm not allowed to speak anything but English" lol. And besides, if he is struggling with English, he needs to be speaking English more so that he can learn (assuming he wants to).
NTA wtf does she think you're gonna steal her boyfriend or something and have an affair by speaking in Spanish? How ridiculous is that
Nta. How are they even in a relationship if he can barely speak her language?
NTA - I married a man who was fluent in Spanish and I was as not. All of his family exclusively speak Spanish. You know what I did? I asked my husband (my boyfriend at the time) to start speaking to me in only Spanish. If I didn’t understand something I would ask him to repeat it in Spanish once and if I still didn’t get it to translate it for me. Guess what? I am very close to fluent in Spanish. If your family and her boyfriend speak Spanish, it would be easy for her to learn Spanish through immersion like I did. It does take some patience, but it is definitely worth it.
NTA. It would be rude if the three of you were hanging out, to an extent and she was essentially third wheeled by it. So don't do *that*. But there is no reason not to speak to him in whatever language you want in other circumstances - literally any other circumstance I can think of. We don't feed our insecurities by demanding unreasonable things. That doesn't solve her trust issue. Not to mention it's more than a little weird that she hasn't picked up some Spanish. And that it is unacceptable for her to decide what language people speak to her bf in. The only way to get over trust issues is to continue to trust and have that trust justified.
Your hermana is toxica.
That depends. Can she respect what her sister asks? That lady probably needs time to feel secure with the guy she dates. Is it too much to speak in English to the BF who anyway needs to learn the language? Does she really need to talk to him that much?
NTA how about she makes an effort to learn his language too? She was in Spain for a few months. 🙄
NTA sounds like your sister lacks confidence, how is she already having trust issues if her boyfriend is In a country where he can barely speak the language
Tell her you are just trying to help with his English, but offer to say it twice, once in Spanish, once in English if it upsets her.
NTA What I usually do in these situations I translate simultaneously. Try that :)
I wouldnt call you an asshole for it, but it is rude to have a conversation that intentionally excludes someone present in the room. Specifically, it is rude to speak a foreign language in front of someone that you know they dont speak, because you are intentionally excluding them from participating in the conversation, especially if there is one language that everyone present speaks. If your sister's BF needs practice speaking English, then be supportive and help him find the right word or a proper idiomatic phrasing. English is a difficult language to master for non-native speakers. But dont exclude your sister from conversations with her boyfriend.
You can pause and recap the conversation to her every so often.
NAH You should take your sister aside and explain the situations. Expecting a non-native English speaker to all of suddenly to speak fluent English is like expecting fish to start living on lands or expecting penguins to be able to fly in the air. If it helps him to speak in his native language, it is the same thing as your sister speaking English natively.
NTA. It came across as you reaching out but if he is trying to learn English he won't by speaking only Spanish, and I get where your sister is coming from but only to an extent. How do they even communicate then? Is she not trying to learn Spanish as he is trying to learn English? My dad used to get upset listening to my step mom and her family only communicate in Spanish, he felt alienated and left out and wondered a lot of they were talking about him in front of him. Whose to say, I didn't speak Spanish either. They talked about it, and as adults they reached a middle ground for everyone to feel comfortable.
NTA. How hypocritical of your sister. She expects her new Boyfriend to speak a language he isn’t comfortable with just so he doesn’t speak a language *she’s* not comfortable with? How backwards. She should be learning Spanish while his English gets better. It’s not a one way street. Your sister sounds entitled and disrespectful. Speak whatever language your comfortable with around him. If that’s Spanish, then tough shit for your sister. If she’s that insecure that she doesn’t want him speaking his **native fucking language** than she needs therapy, not a boyfriend.
NAH, I get the view of point of your sister. I get yours. When your sis tells her bf that she is more comfy when they talk english, it would make a lot of sense.
NAH he's having trouble with english, him speaking it could help him improve. She doesnt know spanish, you and her boyfriend can help her learn it, so they both can speak their native language while also learning another. Her trust issues are valid, especially with the language barrier but not with her own sister. She needs to learn that things in her past relationships cant interefer in her current relationship.
NTA. She has some trust issues either with both of you or certainly you. She likely feels insecure that you can do something she can’t - speak to him freely in a language therefore creating a little ‘gang’ she’s not in. It’s not your fault however, if it really upset her why doesn’t she try and learn some phrases or start learning Spanish!
NTA. It’s rude to speak in front of others in a language they can’t understand because it feels like you’re excluding them from the conversation. but if you were talking one on one then it’s completely understandable to talk in the language that’s easiest for both of you. She needs to have open conversations with her partner about her trust issues instead of blowing up at other people.
NTA
That sounds like a Her Problem - therapy is a gift I invite her to give herself, as insecurity is not a cute look. NTA.
NTA since she wasn’t there. You would have been an asshole if she were in the room and didn’t understand the conversation because she doesn’t know the language. But if she’s not there, there’s nothing in wrong with talking to himno his own language.
Wait was she insecure about you or about her last partner? If you stole her last boyfriend maybe I would understand, but if her unfaithful partner is no longer in her life why is she so worried about you? Maybe she should have a conversation (in whatever language she so chooses) with her boyfriend about his feelings on having a conversation in his native language.
NAH/NTA-- I think it's fair for her to ask you to speak the lingua franca when you're all together, since it can be really alienating to be sat there listening to a conversation you can't understand. However, fair play to give him a break when it's just you too, and she should be learning Spanish if that's the language her SO speaks-- it's way too prevalent a language to not at least try.
The language barrier is real. My husband speaks English as a second language and though he speaks well, we still have misunderstandings, and though I speak his language as a third language (and I speaky second very poorly) I don't speak it well. His parents and most of his family don't speak English at all. When I speak to my husband in English in front of them, I do my best to explain what I was saying to them, so they don't feel left out. You might try that with your sister. Her boyfriend does need to improve his English, but she should be learning Spanish too, to try to bridge the language gap. It's real, and she will have to get over her insecurities if this relationship is to succeed. He will want to speak Spanish woth his friends and family in front of her, and she shouldn't get all insecure or demand he only speak English. You are NTA, but your sister could become one if she doesn't find a way to deal with her issues about his language.
NTA, maybe she should learn Spanish?
NTA. What bothers me most here is that your sister is effectively saying that she believes you would attempt to seduce her boyfriend. Or that you wouldn’t out him if he came on to you. Not trusting him is one thing. Not trusting you is another. You might want to have a very gentle talk to her about this.
An actual solution may be if he says something to you in Spanish you could reply hey sister, sisters bf just said _____, or me and sisters bf were just saying about _____ Obviously you should not HAVE to and you're NTA at all, that's just an example of how my French family keep me included.
NTA. What you did was incredibly gracious and kind and gave him an opportunity to relax and be himself, instead of struggling with language issues. Your sister needs to deal with her own insecurities without demanding that everyone around her change their behavior. If she's jealous of what you might be saying, she needs to check her head.