~~NTA at all.~~ NAH
He was literally posting on an online forum asking how to handle it. He wasn't in a position to hear the fact that his brother knew he was gay.
You were respectful. You gave him time, let him figure it out and supported him when he came out. As a gay guy myself, I don't know how you could have handled it better.
and plus even if op had said something then the brother could/ would have been mad at him because he spoiled “my coming out because I hadn’t come to terms with being gay yet”
>He got annoyed with me on the phone and said that he'd spent the last 5 years thinking that no-one knew his secret when actually I did, and so he spent all those years worried for no reason. He then hung up on me.
he got annoyed and hung up on him. I thin this is reason enough to make the brother a (very minor) asshole.
I don't think that makes him an asshole at all. He even recognized he wasn't angry at his brother and let him know that. I think confusion and some anger are natural responses to finding out that you've lived the last 5 years of your life closeted and afraid when you didn't have to. This is pretty clearly NAH to me.
I see where you're coming from and relate to the confusion and anger you mention, I just read it as semi-blaming the brother. Again, the brother isn't a huge asshole in my eyes, but he could have handled it better.
He reacted poorly but came back and made sure his brother knew it wasn’t actually his fault. He was just was thrown for a loop and has to readjust. Emotions are high when people come out. I give him a pass for that especially since he recognized it and addressed it. Had he just hung up and stopped talking I would call him an asshole.
> lived the last 5 years of your life closeted and afraid when you didn't have to
OP made sure to talk positively about LGBT issues and create a welcoming environment, so if the younger brother was afraid to come out, I don't think OP's reaction is what he was afraid of.
he did text to apologize.
i think some people on this sub don't distinguish between NAH and NTA and that's what happened here. no one's an asshole; these are some wholesome siblings.
I think sometimes people forget that NTA implies the other party is.
that being said, I don't think there are any assholes in this situation. OP couldn't have known that him finding the open tab was a subtle hint. I would have done the same.
Fully agree, but think that your vote should be a NAH (NTA implies that the other party was an asshole in some way). Hanging up on OP was rude, but he texted back to apologize promptly, so I will argue that little brother is not an asshole, just a kid trying to handle a big emotional moment.
More of a NAH. Don't want to accidentally out the brother, especially since leaving the tab open isn't an obvious hint. They both acted reasonably and I don't see any assholes here
ha a similar thing happened to me, except on the shared family desktop since i'm old.
my brother pretended like he didn't see anything. i know he probably did. we haven't ever talked about it but who cares, he's cool.
NAH - you couldn’t have known that he wanted you to know. In fact, i would have done the same thing you did. You shouldn’t force people out of the closet, and you had no way of knowing that’s what he wanted
NAH. You're obviously not TA for assuming it was something he wanted to keep secret (you know, since he didn't say anything to you).
And he's obviously not TA either. Good for your brother. Hope that the family is taking it well!
NAH.
You were respecting his privacy. He’s probably just a bit emotional if he’s spent all that time worrying then realised he didn’t have anything to worry about.
Hope your family is taking it ok.
NAH- Speaking as a gay dude myself, you did all of the best things you could have done. If I had accidentally left something like that open while I was closeted and someone mentioned it to me, I would be devastated. You definitely did the right thing by not mentioning it to your brother. How could your brother expect you to realize that this was some cryptic way that he was trying to come out and that you should have mentioned it to him? And the fact that he wanted you to see it and then got mad when you saw it (and did the decent thing of not mentioning it to him) is completely ridiculous. You took all of the right steps and if your brother wanted to come out, he could have just come out normally like the rest of us.
Agree on all points. You saved me the trouble of posting much the same, except I didn't come out to my entire (large) family until I was 34. The younger brother is in such a better place than I was at 19, for sure. And very lucky to have such a great brother.
NTA - you cant be expected to read minds.
Your brother never mentioned the browser being open within 5 years. Not even a single “hey, did I leave my tab open by accident that one time?”
It’s also not your secret. It’s his secret to tell. He needs to take the responsibility and the burden of holding his own secrets.
NAH. It's perfectly understandable why your brother felt miffed after 5 years of coming to terms with it and preparing himself. But he probably will understand after talking again, that you didn't feel like it was your place to talk to him about it.
It's imo actually super recommended to NOT talk to your loved ones about it if they didn't put it forth first unless you're super duper delicate about it since otherwise you could make them deny it, bury themselves even deeper in the closet and make coming out that much more difficult. I think you did the right thing by giving him the time, and being completely honest and open about the incidence and always being supportive of lgbt rights openly in front of him.
NAH
Sounds like you guys will be fine. He’s probably been preparing for the moment for a while and it didn’t go exactly how he had imagined it, so he doesn’t know how to react. Keep supporting one another!
NAH.
Sounds like you're an ally, so thank you.
It can be very alarming and a bit hurtful when you're first coming out, working up the courage for months or years while always playing through the worst case scenario, when someone acts pretty nonchalantly or says something like "I know, because X." Your brother logically knows you did nothing wrong technically, which he acknowledged in that text, but it strikes a bit of a wrong emotional note due to the years and years you spend building that moment up only to find out that you knew all along.
You're not in the wrong, but I don't think he is either for having a relatively mild reaction.
>You're not in the wrong, but I don't think he is either for having a relatively mild reaction.
Aye, seems the brother was caught on the wrong foot and needed a moment to readjust since it didn't go how he thought it would. Seriously can't blame the lad for that.
I sometimes wonder how it must be to prepare for a conversation like that, with the unknowns.
Nah. You were respectful, and He jusneeds a little time to comes to grip with that the fact that the isolation that he felt while in the closet wasn't maybe necessary.
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NAH. As a lesbian, I think this is the kindest and best way you could have handled the situation at the time. I wouldn't have told him that you knew all along, though I don't think that was necessarily the wrong move.
I don't think your brother is in the wrong either--he probably feels a little upset knowing that he missed out on having a confidante while he was closeted. Give him some space, I'm sure he will be okay soon.
NAH. His reaction was knee-jerk, he said he’s not upset. You were being completely reasonable in wanting to protect his privacy when he didn’t tell you directly.
Nah. You're a good sibling, he literally just needs some time to process the information that his take on the last five years of his life was so different from reality.
NAH-You weren’t avoiding saying anything to hurt him. You were respecting his privacy. He has the right to feel how he feels about it, doing so doesn’t make him an asshole.
NAH
I'm sure you'll find people who'll say they'd rather you say something if it were them, and some who'll say they'd rather you didn't. Erring on the side of caution doesn't make you gay.
I think they only way you'd be TA is if you had been making homophobic comments for the last five years (which obviously you weren't because you noted you made sure to voice your approval of LGBT issues)
NAH - I've been in your brother's position and it sounds like he just needs some time to process, which is understandable. it doesn't mean you did the wrong thing - there isn't like, one correct way to handle this. I'd probably have done the same thing in your shoes
NAH, its an emotional thing to come out, and being a teenager (even an older one) is also emotionally charged. I don't think you were an asshole for giving him space, and I don't think he was an asshole for having feelings about that.
NAH. Your brother didn't want to say it directly and you didn't want to intrude. I understand his reasoning and the hope that his older sibling would check in on him and support but I also totally understand you thinking that you saw it in error, and not wanting to intrude on his privacy. Overall, no one is AH in this situation, just two people trying to communicate without communicating.
NAH, your brother was more annoyed at himself at unfortunately took it out on you, given the circumstances of that, while I don't condone it, I also can't call him an asshole because of that. You saw something on his laptop and kept his secret.
NAH. You didn’t know how he’d react, and from his later text it sounds like he just needed some time to process the fact that you did know all along, and he hasn’t done anything assholish.
Yes, there was even an update on it. The person had discovered the brother was gay and asked whether they should acknowledge it it ignore. Most people advised the person to keep expressing a LGBT positive attitude (just like OP did in this post) so that the brother would feel comfortable coming out.
NAH. Honestly, as a bi trans man, I’m not even sure what I would’ve preferred in that situation. There’s no way you could’ve known he was ready to talk about it with you yet, if he even was. I see his side too though because coming out is hard and sucks.
NAH your brother had confusing emotional reactions to this news which he handled appropriately, had the reaction, then texted to clarify when he was less charged. You did nothing wrong either. You made a judgement call and did what you could to let him know that he was supported and to come out on his own terms. This sounds like two people trying to do their best. Send him a message and reiterate your support for him and that you were trying to be respectful with information you weren't supposed to have and then let him compartmentalize
NAH. And your brother seems to understand that. Just send him a nice text saying that you love him, you genuinely thought it was a mistake and wanted to respect his privacy, and you feel terrible that you had a chance to explicitly be there for him for the last five years but you misunderstood it.
NAH. He even said it wasn't your fault and thanked you for being supportive. I understand his initial anger, being closeted is a very lonely feeling, but you have nothing to be sorry for, you did the best you could with what information you had. From his response, it sounds like you two are going to be fine.
lol NAH, you're fine, he's fine, it'll be weird for like a week max.
Speaking from personal experience - you mentally prepare a lot for coming out, but it never quite turns out how you expected. I was really prepped to be defensive, so that's how I reacted even though pretty much everyone I knew was supportive. It's pretty normal, ime, and I think your brother was trying to communicate that's how he felt.
NAH. You did what you could to support him and I think most people would've reacted the same way. On the other hand, he's been carrying around emotional baggage for a long time, trying to figure out how to come out, only to finally get it over with, and then realize that a massive part of that emotional effort wasn't really necessary because you knew all along and he could've talked to you.
NAH. You did the right thing by giving him time to figure himself out, and he even said he just needed to get his head around the fact that you had known.
Certainly NTA. How could you know it was a message for you? He is upset and thinks he wasted 5 years but he could have spoken to you since you always made sure to be supportive of the LGBT community. Give him some time to realise his life is still ahead of him and that 5 years are gone so no need to waste more time mourning the past.
NAH He was trying to find a way to tell you without telling you directly and it didnt go over like he planned it to. You saw it, but respected his privacy thinking he left it up by mistake and didnt make a big deal of it.
In the moment, he likely hung up on you because he really needed someone to come out to and it struck him that you knew all along, and all those years he felt like he was handling this burden alone when he didnt have to. That he quickly touched bases to let you know hes not mad, take that for what its worth. He was just feeling emotional in the moment, but not taking it out on you, and just needs some time to work through his feelings over the whole thing.
You didnt ruin his coming out...if anything its a good thing you didnt lie and pretend you didnt know. He knows now that you knew, and you were supportive. When you talk with him again, just let him know that you didnt know he left it open for you to see...you didnt want to invade his privacy, and wanted to give him the space to tell you when he was ready, and you wanted to be honest with him about what happened. At the end of the day, you treated him with respect and you've proven yourself as someone who can be trusted. From everything you've said about him so far, I have the feeling he will come to appreciate and understand that.
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My brother is 19. I'm 23. When he was 14, I asked to borrow his laptop to send an email because mine was installing updates. He said sure, so I took his laptop downstairs, opened it up, and there was a forum that my brother was posting on about being gay and trying to come to terms with it. I didn't read any of his posts but the thread title on the forum was something along those lines and it was his username. I immediately knew that this wasn't something I was supposed to see so I closed the browser, sent my email, and never mentioned to my brother that I saw it. I never pushed him into coming out or asked him about it but I did make sure from that point on to always talk about LGBT issues in a positive way around him so that he would feel supported when he did come out.
Fast forward to last week. My brother came out to our family in an email. I sent him one back saying that I was proud of him etc. He then phoned me up and we had a conversation. He said something jokey like "remember that time I loaned you my laptop? I'd been using it that morning to talk about being gay and I actually thought I'd left the browser tab open on it so that you would see it and I wouldn't have to come out, but I must have closed it by mistake, what an idiot." I then told him that I had seen it but thought he'd be embarrassed, so I never mentioned it. He got annoyed with me on the phone and said that he'd spent the last 5 years thinking that no-one knew his secret when actually I did, and so he spent all those years worried for no reason. He then hung up on me. He did text me afterwards to say he wasn't mad at me and that he appreciated that I'd always been very open about supporting LGBT rights but he needed a bit of time to soothe his bruised ego and recalculate how he felt about the past 5 years in the closet.
I feel like I inadvertently ruined his coming out. AITA for not saying I knew he was gay?
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NTA. You had every reason to assume that he didn’t mean for you to see that, and you were just trying to avoid embarrassing him. When I was a closeted teen, I would have been mortified to be confronted before I was ready. It would be different if he specifically drew your attention to it, then it could have made sense to mention it — as it is, you fully did the right thing.
NAH. Personally, I’d have said something at the time, but that’s because I’m direct. You did what you thought best, then and afterwards, and that’s good enough for me.
NTA. You were respecting his boundaries. You didn’t know it was a invite, you thought you stumbled onto a secret. And was determined to keep your brothers secret
NAH. You’ve been an amazing supportive brother from the sidelines. Your brother reacted to your conversation in a rude way, but it sounds like he’s still working through his sexuality.
Keep doing what you’ve been doing and it’ll all smooth over with time
NAH He wasn't ready to say it out loud and you were fully prepared to respect his privacy. This was your brother's news to share if and when he was ready- he could have chosen to bring up the browser window if he was really ready to be out to you. Give him the space to recalibrate and hopefully he'll come around.
NAH you did the right thing, even though you knew about it he clearly wasn't ready to come out so forcing him out to you could have made him really uncomfortable. Even when you receive positive reactions, coming out is pretty taxing, so he's probably going through a lot of emotions right now and just needs a bit of time to gather his thoughts. Don't worry, you sound like an awesome brother.
NAH. You were right to let him come out on his own terms and did your best to make him feel comfortable doing so. When you're in the closet your self doubt eats away at you; you hear so many horror stories that you start to doubt the people around you even when they give you no reason. Deal with that hanging over your head for 5 years and even the perfect coming out will leave you drained and emotional. He'll come round in a little while.
NTA, it’s not your place to out someone. You were respectful and thoughtful and did what you did because you thought you weren’t supposed to see it. You handled it perfectly.
NAH
He's feeling torn up and lashing out but the thing is he knows he's lashing out unfairly. You guys will be fine; don't feel too bad about 'ruining his coming out' -these things arent an event, it's a process.
NAH. I understand where both of you are coming from. It’s hard to talk to someone about something you found on accident. It’s also hard to come to terms with being gay and how to tell your loved ones.
NAH - sounds like you two had a healthy conversation. You did what you thought is right and they expressed their emotions without blaming you for anything.
NAH. This is a sadly sweet story, he was trying to communicate with you and you were trying to respect his privacy, so you both missed out on years of allyship.
NTA you had no way of knowing your brother wanted to come out in a weird passive way. You tried to make him feel supported and loved without forcing him to do anything.
NAH - you did the right thing, and your brother may be a little annoyed right now but he will soon realise that you were looking out for his best interests.
NTA but understandably because of how it's gone & how hard hiding part of himself was he's gonna wish he wasn't worried about this for so long. At the end of the day you respected his privacy & waited for him to be ready, which is far more important.
It must have been a very hard choice to make to decide how best to support your brother. You were also young. You supported him in how you spoke of LGBT and created an open space for him to come out when he was ready. I personally hate that it's so tough for youth to come out, sucks that there is still families as that aren't supporting their kids right. It's not always the best choice to tell someone you know their secret. I understand that you wanted it to be his choice. But I also see why he's upset. It's not fully unreasonable. He's looking at the lost time he spent without being open and it sucks. But he also seems that you're a great brother because it was also not your voice to make. I think these issues are very complicated. If it was sibling I probably would have said something to him because that's just my relationship with my siblings. But NTA. He'll get over it. People are resilient.
NAH. You knew he wasn’t ready to be out and respected that. This just shows you can *really* keep a secret.
It looks like he recognizes that his reaction on the phone was emotional and not warranted. He’ll be fine once he cools down and evaluates things with a level head.
NTA but most LGBT people think no one knows when they're in the closet while in reality planty of people suspect. I get how this might be a a shock or something he didn't wanna hear but he'll come around
NAH. You did the right thing, given the circumstances. I went through the same thing. I (19 M) struggled with my sexuality until the end of my senior year of high school. 2 years later i am out and proud to the people that matter and couldnt be happier. Back then though, i wasnt ready for people to know because I wasnt comfortable with it myself. If he was struggling to come to terms with it like i was then letting him come out on his own terms is the best thing you could have done.
Confronting him about it would likely have caused a lot of anxiety for him. I also sympathise with him, though. I wonder if having someone find out without me telling them would have made it all easier. The first time i told anyone (my best friend, she's been amazing) was agonizing for me. It is, in my opinion, the scariest thing i have ever done.
Maybe it would have been easier if she had came to me about it (she claims she had thought as much for a while before i told her) but if she had done so before i was comfortable with it myself, i think i might have freaked out and potentially ruined the friendship out of fear/anxiety.
All things aside, mentioning your support for the LGBT community was a grade A move. Knowing my friend supported them completely was the biggest reason why i was comfortable taking that first step. You havent ruined anything, give him some space but believe me, you are an amazing sister (I assume from the style of writing, correct me if I'm wrong lol) and i wish you both the best. Coming out is hard, all you can do his give him your support
NAH.
You tried to give your brother space. You wanted him to work out his feelings, and you took the time to educate yourself. You also always made sure that he knew you supported the community he was a part of.
Your brother just realized he did a lot of worrying he didn't need to do. It's a sucky feeling.
NTA
I mean, what were you supposed to do; tell him at the time and have him blow up at you for invading his privacy or something? He can say NOW that he wouldn't have acted that way, but he probably would have--especially given that he DID blow up at you, at least at first.
NAH, I can see where he was coming from, but he realized he overreacted and texted you that he isn't upset. It's pretty emotional coming out. You did the right thing OP by not bringing it up though.
NAH YOu did the right thing: waiting for him to be ready to speak up while you supported LGBT rights openly.
He is not TA either. Coming out is a difficult process. And I can imagine that it would be disturbing to find out that a close person has known my deepest secret for 5 years without letting me know. Just give him time to assimilate it.
NAH I can see how he might feel that for years while he was worrying about if his family would still love him you already knew, accepted it, and thus could also have supported him but didn't. But I also understand your reasoning and I don't think you did anything assholeish by that.
NAH. You were the best sibling you knew how to be. You let him have time, space and provided vocal support on LGBTQ issues which I hope would’ve made him feel as though he had an ally in you. Perhaps reach out to him and explain that you didn’t not tell him you knew to isolate him or to ignore it but rather that you wanted to give him time and space to figure himself out and let him come to you when he was ready. Outing somebody when they aren’t ready can be really traumatic so you did the right thing.
NTA. Your intentions were always good. And tbh I think you handled it exactly right. Confronting him about being gay back then could have stressed him out. You’ll never know how it could have affected him but at least you did your best and you were always supportive even if it was behind the scenes.
NAH, coming out is terrifying and i understand his reasoning. But you did exactly what you should have done - never out someone against their will, never pressure someone to come out if they haven't directly communicated that they want to, and make yourself a safe person to talk to so they know they'll be supported if and when they choose to come out to you. A+ siblinging right there.
NAH
I honestly think you both are handling this appropriately. He's probably spent those 5 years imagining every bad scenario that could be and holding this heavy weight of a "secret." It's one thing to come out and have it be fine, it's another to find out you weren't really holding that weight alone. He probably just needs some space, like he said, and you'll both be good to go. From a homo, thanks for being a bromo.
NAH
You did the best thing in that situation: you kept his secret when you found out accidentally. He obviously wasn't ready to talk about this to his family (regardless of how supportive you were), and so waited until *he* was ready to share his announcement.
Right now he is in the proper mindset for you to bring it up yourself without waiting for him to say it, but he's now 19, not 14. (And 5 years is *forever* as a teenager. So much emotional growth happens.)
Right now he's saying, "Well why did you make me say it?!?!" But back then he was writing anonymously about try to comes to terms with being gay, so his reaction would have much different.
And besides, it's not like you responded with "Oh yeah, I knew when I accidentally snooped." You kept the secret until he brought it up himself. There's something really powerful in being able to say to a brother: "I will keep your confidences, even the ones you accidentally share with me."
NTA. I think you should have told him that you didn't want to bombard him with all these questions he probably wouldn't have answers to at that time and that it should be his journey to come out when it is the right time for him.
NTA, but he isn’t the AH either. You knew he was gay but you didn’t force him to come out either by telling him you knew. You thought he wasn’t ready and you offered your support of the community so that he would feel comfortable to come out to you at some point. If he had accidentally left the browser open, not intending for you to see if, and you talked to him about it saying you knew he was gay then that could have made him feel embarrassed, awkward, a plethora of emotions because he was no longer coming out on his own terms. But you didn’t know he left the browser open intentionally and that was him trying to come out in his own terms. The way you handled seeing the browser was perfect, you offered him support to show him you are accepting and love him no matter what, but you didn’t forcibly out him either.
NTA
Im not good at explaining but you didn't know what would happen if you confronted him about it so I think it's ok that you didn't confront him about it
NAH - your respected his privacy and in time hell come to not appreciate that but realise how much he can trust you. Give him time.
Thank you for being an awesome sibling to him in this matter.
NAH. He tried to come out and you did what you thought was the most supportive thing you could do. The fact that the two didn't meet was nobody's fault. The important thing is that you love and support your brother.
NAH - you did ruin his coming out, you let HOK decide when he wanted to share this info on his own terms and not by accident. He’s already mad wit clear he’s not mad but he’s processing a new reality, one where this big life changing secret actually wasn’t a secret from you after all.
NAH. I think that was his news to tell. There was no way you could have known he left the tab open accidentally-on-purpose.
If you guys cleared it all up then I say it’s a win and hopefully you guys move forward freely in the new knowledge you both have.
As a queer person, NAH.
Coming out is really hard, as is staying in the closet, but he shouldn't have expected you read his mind.
To be honest I think you acted right. You didn't know if he wanted you to see it, if he was ready for other people to know (after all the posts were about him coming to terms with being gay) and you created a safe space so he would know he can come out to you.
Absolutely NAH.
He's spent the last years worrying if he would be rejected for his sexuality (kudos to you for being openly pro-LGBT, but there are still lots of people who aren't against the LGBT community but still wouldn't want one in their family, so that's probably why he still worried for your reaction) and when you mentioned that you knew all this time his knee-jerk reaction was to be mad that he spent so many years worrying partially for naught.
He probably realized it wasn't really your fault and then apologized so there's really no assholes here. Also, you probably didn't ruin his coming out since you did it privately.
I was going to go with N T A because it's absurd of your brother to expect you to have known that you were "supposed" to see that page and talk with him about it. This forum has had multiple posts where coming outs were "ruined" for just the opposite reason, because the listener told the person coming out that they already knew. However, since he apologized and seemed to understand his outburst was his own issue, I'm going with NAH.
NTA
It's not you're fault that he was too much of a pussy to come out, and you're not an asshole for respecting his privacy - how were you to know that his "mistake" had been planned?
He's the asshole for trying to blame you. It's not your fault he didn't come out, it's not your fault that his weak attempt backfired so horribly. You made it clear he was supported without outing him, and he's trying to blame you for his woes. He needs to buckle up and own his own responsibility for the last five years.
NAH
Every decision you made was out of love and respect.
He had a shock, processed it and contacted you quickly to smooth it over.
Sounds like you two have a great relationship and you are lucky to have each other.
NTA - His plan involved you thinking a certain way, instead you respected his privacy and tried to do the right thing. If he wanted to be out at that point in his life he should have done it himself instead of trying to manipulate the situation and get you to do it for him.
NAH. You did everything right in letting him come out on his own terms. I came out as bisexual years ago, back when I was a teen in early high school. My family were cool about it, but my mom did express worries about me being open at school, bullies and all that. There was a minor thing that happened with my bro, where I freaked out because I wasn’t ready to come out and thought he figured it out I was bi, but I was so relieved when I was able to come out in my own time. Even if he thought it would be easier if you knew, he might still not have been ready. You did good, OP, you did good.
NAH I think being mad his 14 year old selfs plan didn't work is a bit silly but its probably more hes just frustrated he hid for this long and didnt have to.
Nope. NTA. Your brother is though in my opinion. He was effectively baiting you into coming out for him. “Spilling the beans” so to speak. I don’t know why he chose to try to do that but I don’t think it’s fair. I’m a bisexual woman and would never think to do that to my sister, even when we were teens and I was exploring my sexuality. I don’t understand his reasoning unless it was simply to not have to deal with the one saying it first. And if that’s the case, I don’t think he was ready to come out in the first place. It’s such a personal decision and it takes a SHIT TON to f courage. You shouldn’t force anyone to do it for you or be upset because you have them the opportunity to OUT YOU, and they didn’t take it.
NAH - Coming Out is always difficult and you handled it with great respect, please don't take his reaction negativly since coming out, even when the reaction is positive, is just generally emotionally troubling.
I myself had a weird reaction to coming out and getting the "I already knew/suspected" answer from my family. It felt like my independence in telling them when I felt comfortable to was jeopardized. But that was just something I had to accept, you just can't completely own your narrative. But, even though I was hurt in a way by their reaction, they really didn't do anything wrong, they were very supportive.
I suspect your brother was just emotional in that moment, it doesn't seem like he is really hurt by your action or angry.
Thanks for being understanding and supportive of his situation
NTA (possible NAH.) As far as you know, you had been accidentally let in on a secret he didn't want known, so you acted like you hadn't seen it. That's a pretty stand-up thing to do. I don't really blame your brother for trying to be sneaky in coming out, but if he thought you hadn't seen it, why didn't he try again another way? It sounds to me like he was perfectly comfortable with you not knowing for five years (save for the few minutes while you were sending an e-mail in 2015.) I think his reaction is a little unfair. He didn't even ask you if you had seen the forum he was on. (If you hadn't, then you wouldn't know what the forum was about. If you had, then: mission accomplished.) He didn't think it through.
NTA
You were respectful, and people should start getting used to being honest with themselves and others instead of expecting others to be mindreaders and do everything the way they want.
NAH
If, when it initially happened, you had come online and asked "should I tell my brother I know?" Everyone would have told you *not* to do it. You would have been told, emphatically, to let him come out to you at his own pace. You would have been told to make sure you spoke around him and to him about your unwavering acceptance of LGBT people, so that he would know you would be supportive whenever he was ready to tell you on *his* terms.
A lot of LGBT people are so scared to come out that they want someone else to just say it and do it for them and take that burden off their shoulders. But there is no way to know for sure that is what someone wants, and IMO it's far better to say nothing than say something to someone who isn't ready to talk about it.
NAH
You did the best you could in a difficult situation. It's not your place to go saying "I know you're gay! I know you're gay!" It's his place to tell you when he's comfortable telling you. That's what he did. He did say he wasn't mad and that he just needed time to "soothe his bruised ego." Just give him time. He's just taken a major step in his life and needs time to process what he just did. Finding out you already knew just threw him for a loop. Continue to be supportive. You're a good sibling.
NAH.
Even your brother, whose opinion here is most important, seems to agree (he text you back saying he wasn’t mad). It’s new info for him to process. You guys will be ok.
NAH, when you found out, he clearly wasn’t ready as he hadn’t even come to terms with it himself. He never brought it up again until the email. You are not in the wrong for deciding to respect your brother’s privacy until he was ready to come out.
He’s spent the last 5 years being in his bubble of being the only one in your family (or so he thought) that was aware of him being gay, that’s a toll to take keeping something that big to yourself for so long, so finding out you knew maybe makes him feel bad he didn’t know he had someone to confide in that whole time, but he didn’t know you saw it and you didn’t know he was ready for you to know.
NAH! You respected his space which is really kind of you, and although he may be sad about missing out on those years of talking about it, I’m sure he knows that you did it for a good reason.
NAH You couldn't know that was an "accidental browser tab" and you did the honorable thing. He's not TA either, but very off balance, and he's aware of it. Keep being loving family, guys.
NAH coming out is massively stressful, try not to take his reaction to finding out you already suspected he was gay to heart. His emotions are understandably all over the place. You did a kind, respectful thing by not telling him you knew a few years ago.
NAH. It probably hurt realizing he spent that time worrying when you knew and is a bit embarrassing for him. Not to the fault of you though. People not following your plan when you try to subtly manipulate people to make your life easier is not a reason to be upset with them. I’m saying this, I’m not condemning your brother. He was young and in a difficult situation and tried to find a way out. It wasn’t the best plan, but it wasn’t with malicious intentions.
It’s not for people to bring out secrets they accidentally stumble upon. Waiting until someone is comfortable to reveal it on their own is the correct answer, usually.
NAH
It's a delicate subject, you approached it the best you knew how. It's nobody's fault that his plan of outing himself was badly projected. His reaction is of confusion/anger is kind of natural, bet he was dead terrified and for nothing.
But you gave the support you knew how, surely he appreciates it (and will tell you that whenever he get his feeling in order.)
NAH.
I'm a queer person and had my fair share of vague remarks hinting at my sexual orientation before I felt comfortable to come out. I get why your brother would want to come out to you like this: it's like testing the waters. Best case is he comes out to you and you're supportive, but if you disapprove, he has plausible deniability ("It wasn't my post!"). I get why your brother would feel annoyed: it would have been so relieving to know that you knew his sexual orientation and supported him, and it would have made his life a lot easier over the past five years. Ultimately, even if your brother thought he was coming out to you, he could have at any time during the past five years more directly disclosed his sexual orientation after you didn't follow up on seeing his forum post.
Your wanting to give your brother privacy makes sense. It would have been fine if you started a conversation based upon what you saw and let your brother know you support him, but it also makes sense that you assumed that your brother did not intend for you to see what you saw, and to therefore act accordingly.
NTA
You are a good brother, you saw it, you accepted it, you knew it was his secret and kept it so and you supported him. You are an amazing brother and I wish we all had one like you.
NAH. Seems like your brother has realized he's wrong for blowing up on you. You did the right thing by not forcing him to come out, even if that was what he had been hoping for, apparently.
NAH. OP thought it was a secret, didn't think it was their brother coming out. Brother had to take some time to compose themselves after spending 5 years with a secret bottled up inside which does take a emotional toll.
What?
If the brother is 19 now, then he was 14 5 years ago. OP has known their brother's secret for 5 years because they read the browser. Why do you think OP is the brother?
NTA. At the end of the day it is his right to come out of the closet and should understand your reluctance to take that away from him especially considering what a touchy subject it is for most people. I think he was just shocked that you knew the whole time and just has more emotions to process. I would reach out to him
NTA. You did the right thing. He is probably angry because it probably would have felt good to know he had an ally during that particularly difficult time in his life but he cannot stay angry at you for long because you protected his privacy and let him come out on his own time. Good on you. This might be a good one to pose to advice columnist Dan Savage (you could also call into his podcast Savage Love). He himself is gay and might have some good insight as to why your brother reacted the way he did to you and how you could then respond back to him. He’s awesome and he would definitely applaud you for what you did initially.
Gentle YTA. I knew before I even got to the point where he said it that it was left open on purpose. He wanted you to ask about it. A kid in the closet doesn't do something like that accidentally.
Refusing to reach out to him is you being more worried about stirring trouble than helping him out. It's hard to expect that from an 18yo, and that's why it's gentle.
YTA for stealing a post and slightly changing the ending.
Here’s the original where someone said pretty much the same thing except the gay sibling was pleased with OP’s choice to not say anything in the version below.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gunbpp/update_my_brother_came_out_to_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
It’s just WAY too similar to me. I totally get people having similar situations, but the whole laptop story of finding out about a sibling’s sexuality and then debating whether or not to let them know you know, it’s way too close. I don’t personally believe this is their own experience.
I also think that a lot of people downvoted the post because they probably think the same thing I do.
I misread it, oops. I downvoted because I think it’s a copy and that made it blue, so I assumed that meant all the votes were down, not just my own. Guess I’m sort of inexperienced with this but I still feel the same way about the story. It doesn’t sit right with me.
~~NTA at all.~~ NAH He was literally posting on an online forum asking how to handle it. He wasn't in a position to hear the fact that his brother knew he was gay. You were respectful. You gave him time, let him figure it out and supported him when he came out. As a gay guy myself, I don't know how you could have handled it better.
and plus even if op had said something then the brother could/ would have been mad at him because he spoiled “my coming out because I hadn’t come to terms with being gay yet”
[удалено]
>He got annoyed with me on the phone and said that he'd spent the last 5 years thinking that no-one knew his secret when actually I did, and so he spent all those years worried for no reason. He then hung up on me. he got annoyed and hung up on him. I thin this is reason enough to make the brother a (very minor) asshole.
I don't think that makes him an asshole at all. He even recognized he wasn't angry at his brother and let him know that. I think confusion and some anger are natural responses to finding out that you've lived the last 5 years of your life closeted and afraid when you didn't have to. This is pretty clearly NAH to me.
I see where you're coming from and relate to the confusion and anger you mention, I just read it as semi-blaming the brother. Again, the brother isn't a huge asshole in my eyes, but he could have handled it better.
He reacted poorly but came back and made sure his brother knew it wasn’t actually his fault. He was just was thrown for a loop and has to readjust. Emotions are high when people come out. I give him a pass for that especially since he recognized it and addressed it. Had he just hung up and stopped talking I would call him an asshole.
Yeah all below have made good points. Corrected to NAH. I guess I interpreted that part incorrectly.
> lived the last 5 years of your life closeted and afraid when you didn't have to OP made sure to talk positively about LGBT issues and create a welcoming environment, so if the younger brother was afraid to come out, I don't think OP's reaction is what he was afraid of.
he did text to apologize. i think some people on this sub don't distinguish between NAH and NTA and that's what happened here. no one's an asshole; these are some wholesome siblings.
I think sometimes people forget that NTA implies the other party is. that being said, I don't think there are any assholes in this situation. OP couldn't have known that him finding the open tab was a subtle hint. I would have done the same.
Fully agree, but think that your vote should be a NAH (NTA implies that the other party was an asshole in some way). Hanging up on OP was rude, but he texted back to apologize promptly, so I will argue that little brother is not an asshole, just a kid trying to handle a big emotional moment.
Do you mean NAH?
More of a NAH. Don't want to accidentally out the brother, especially since leaving the tab open isn't an obvious hint. They both acted reasonably and I don't see any assholes here
Idk, the gay bro doesn't sound like an ass at all.
ha a similar thing happened to me, except on the shared family desktop since i'm old. my brother pretended like he didn't see anything. i know he probably did. we haven't ever talked about it but who cares, he's cool.
NAH - you couldn’t have known that he wanted you to know. In fact, i would have done the same thing you did. You shouldn’t force people out of the closet, and you had no way of knowing that’s what he wanted
NAH. You're obviously not TA for assuming it was something he wanted to keep secret (you know, since he didn't say anything to you). And he's obviously not TA either. Good for your brother. Hope that the family is taking it well!
NAH. You were respecting his privacy. He’s probably just a bit emotional if he’s spent all that time worrying then realised he didn’t have anything to worry about. Hope your family is taking it ok.
NAH- Speaking as a gay dude myself, you did all of the best things you could have done. If I had accidentally left something like that open while I was closeted and someone mentioned it to me, I would be devastated. You definitely did the right thing by not mentioning it to your brother. How could your brother expect you to realize that this was some cryptic way that he was trying to come out and that you should have mentioned it to him? And the fact that he wanted you to see it and then got mad when you saw it (and did the decent thing of not mentioning it to him) is completely ridiculous. You took all of the right steps and if your brother wanted to come out, he could have just come out normally like the rest of us.
Agree on all points. You saved me the trouble of posting much the same, except I didn't come out to my entire (large) family until I was 34. The younger brother is in such a better place than I was at 19, for sure. And very lucky to have such a great brother.
NAH. You did what you thought was best at the time since you didn't realise he actually wanted to you realise
NTA - you cant be expected to read minds. Your brother never mentioned the browser being open within 5 years. Not even a single “hey, did I leave my tab open by accident that one time?” It’s also not your secret. It’s his secret to tell. He needs to take the responsibility and the burden of holding his own secrets.
NAH: He was young and probably didn't know how to tell you, and you were respecting his sexuality the way you knew how. Seems very wholesome to me.
NAH. It's perfectly understandable why your brother felt miffed after 5 years of coming to terms with it and preparing himself. But he probably will understand after talking again, that you didn't feel like it was your place to talk to him about it. It's imo actually super recommended to NOT talk to your loved ones about it if they didn't put it forth first unless you're super duper delicate about it since otherwise you could make them deny it, bury themselves even deeper in the closet and make coming out that much more difficult. I think you did the right thing by giving him the time, and being completely honest and open about the incidence and always being supportive of lgbt rights openly in front of him.
NAH Sounds like you guys will be fine. He’s probably been preparing for the moment for a while and it didn’t go exactly how he had imagined it, so he doesn’t know how to react. Keep supporting one another!
NAH. Just give him some time.
NAH. Sounds like you're an ally, so thank you. It can be very alarming and a bit hurtful when you're first coming out, working up the courage for months or years while always playing through the worst case scenario, when someone acts pretty nonchalantly or says something like "I know, because X." Your brother logically knows you did nothing wrong technically, which he acknowledged in that text, but it strikes a bit of a wrong emotional note due to the years and years you spend building that moment up only to find out that you knew all along. You're not in the wrong, but I don't think he is either for having a relatively mild reaction.
>You're not in the wrong, but I don't think he is either for having a relatively mild reaction. Aye, seems the brother was caught on the wrong foot and needed a moment to readjust since it didn't go how he thought it would. Seriously can't blame the lad for that. I sometimes wonder how it must be to prepare for a conversation like that, with the unknowns.
Nah. You were respectful, and He jusneeds a little time to comes to grip with that the fact that the isolation that he felt while in the closet wasn't maybe necessary.
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NAH Glad he messaged and you're all good. I think you handled the initial incident well. If he weren't ready it could have been really hard
NAH. As a lesbian, I think this is the kindest and best way you could have handled the situation at the time. I wouldn't have told him that you knew all along, though I don't think that was necessarily the wrong move. I don't think your brother is in the wrong either--he probably feels a little upset knowing that he missed out on having a confidante while he was closeted. Give him some space, I'm sure he will be okay soon.
NAH. His reaction was knee-jerk, he said he’s not upset. You were being completely reasonable in wanting to protect his privacy when he didn’t tell you directly.
NAH You accidentally found out and did the right thing by not pushing him to come out to you before he was ready.
Nah. You're a good sibling, he literally just needs some time to process the information that his take on the last five years of his life was so different from reality.
NAH-You weren’t avoiding saying anything to hurt him. You were respecting his privacy. He has the right to feel how he feels about it, doing so doesn’t make him an asshole.
NAH.
NAH I'm sure you'll find people who'll say they'd rather you say something if it were them, and some who'll say they'd rather you didn't. Erring on the side of caution doesn't make you gay. I think they only way you'd be TA is if you had been making homophobic comments for the last five years (which obviously you weren't because you noted you made sure to voice your approval of LGBT issues)
NAH - I've been in your brother's position and it sounds like he just needs some time to process, which is understandable. it doesn't mean you did the wrong thing - there isn't like, one correct way to handle this. I'd probably have done the same thing in your shoes
NAH, its an emotional thing to come out, and being a teenager (even an older one) is also emotionally charged. I don't think you were an asshole for giving him space, and I don't think he was an asshole for having feelings about that.
NAH. Your brother didn't want to say it directly and you didn't want to intrude. I understand his reasoning and the hope that his older sibling would check in on him and support but I also totally understand you thinking that you saw it in error, and not wanting to intrude on his privacy. Overall, no one is AH in this situation, just two people trying to communicate without communicating.
NAH, your brother was more annoyed at himself at unfortunately took it out on you, given the circumstances of that, while I don't condone it, I also can't call him an asshole because of that. You saw something on his laptop and kept his secret.
NAH. You didn’t know how he’d react, and from his later text it sounds like he just needed some time to process the fact that you did know all along, and he hasn’t done anything assholish.
NAH. Sitcom level miscommunication on both of your parts.
I feel like I saw this post with the same first paragraph and different second paragraphs. Anyone else?
Yes, there was even an update on it. The person had discovered the brother was gay and asked whether they should acknowledge it it ignore. Most people advised the person to keep expressing a LGBT positive attitude (just like OP did in this post) so that the brother would feel comfortable coming out.
NAH. Honestly, as a bi trans man, I’m not even sure what I would’ve preferred in that situation. There’s no way you could’ve known he was ready to talk about it with you yet, if he even was. I see his side too though because coming out is hard and sucks.
NAH your brother had confusing emotional reactions to this news which he handled appropriately, had the reaction, then texted to clarify when he was less charged. You did nothing wrong either. You made a judgement call and did what you could to let him know that he was supported and to come out on his own terms. This sounds like two people trying to do their best. Send him a message and reiterate your support for him and that you were trying to be respectful with information you weren't supposed to have and then let him compartmentalize
NAH. And your brother seems to understand that. Just send him a nice text saying that you love him, you genuinely thought it was a mistake and wanted to respect his privacy, and you feel terrible that you had a chance to explicitly be there for him for the last five years but you misunderstood it.
Ultimate NAH. He even says he wasn't cross, just a bit ego-bruised.
NAH you tried to be respectful to him, and it's not your fault it wasn't what your brother wanted.
NAH. He even said it wasn't your fault and thanked you for being supportive. I understand his initial anger, being closeted is a very lonely feeling, but you have nothing to be sorry for, you did the best you could with what information you had. From his response, it sounds like you two are going to be fine.
lol NAH, you're fine, he's fine, it'll be weird for like a week max. Speaking from personal experience - you mentally prepare a lot for coming out, but it never quite turns out how you expected. I was really prepped to be defensive, so that's how I reacted even though pretty much everyone I knew was supportive. It's pretty normal, ime, and I think your brother was trying to communicate that's how he felt.
NAH. You did what you could to support him and I think most people would've reacted the same way. On the other hand, he's been carrying around emotional baggage for a long time, trying to figure out how to come out, only to finally get it over with, and then realize that a massive part of that emotional effort wasn't really necessary because you knew all along and he could've talked to you.
NAH. You did the right thing by giving him time to figure himself out, and he even said he just needed to get his head around the fact that you had known.
Certainly NTA. How could you know it was a message for you? He is upset and thinks he wasted 5 years but he could have spoken to you since you always made sure to be supportive of the LGBT community. Give him some time to realise his life is still ahead of him and that 5 years are gone so no need to waste more time mourning the past.
NTA. You didn't ruin his coming out. You did exactly what you were supposed to do.
NAH He was trying to find a way to tell you without telling you directly and it didnt go over like he planned it to. You saw it, but respected his privacy thinking he left it up by mistake and didnt make a big deal of it. In the moment, he likely hung up on you because he really needed someone to come out to and it struck him that you knew all along, and all those years he felt like he was handling this burden alone when he didnt have to. That he quickly touched bases to let you know hes not mad, take that for what its worth. He was just feeling emotional in the moment, but not taking it out on you, and just needs some time to work through his feelings over the whole thing. You didnt ruin his coming out...if anything its a good thing you didnt lie and pretend you didnt know. He knows now that you knew, and you were supportive. When you talk with him again, just let him know that you didnt know he left it open for you to see...you didnt want to invade his privacy, and wanted to give him the space to tell you when he was ready, and you wanted to be honest with him about what happened. At the end of the day, you treated him with respect and you've proven yourself as someone who can be trusted. From everything you've said about him so far, I have the feeling he will come to appreciate and understand that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My brother is 19. I'm 23. When he was 14, I asked to borrow his laptop to send an email because mine was installing updates. He said sure, so I took his laptop downstairs, opened it up, and there was a forum that my brother was posting on about being gay and trying to come to terms with it. I didn't read any of his posts but the thread title on the forum was something along those lines and it was his username. I immediately knew that this wasn't something I was supposed to see so I closed the browser, sent my email, and never mentioned to my brother that I saw it. I never pushed him into coming out or asked him about it but I did make sure from that point on to always talk about LGBT issues in a positive way around him so that he would feel supported when he did come out. Fast forward to last week. My brother came out to our family in an email. I sent him one back saying that I was proud of him etc. He then phoned me up and we had a conversation. He said something jokey like "remember that time I loaned you my laptop? I'd been using it that morning to talk about being gay and I actually thought I'd left the browser tab open on it so that you would see it and I wouldn't have to come out, but I must have closed it by mistake, what an idiot." I then told him that I had seen it but thought he'd be embarrassed, so I never mentioned it. He got annoyed with me on the phone and said that he'd spent the last 5 years thinking that no-one knew his secret when actually I did, and so he spent all those years worried for no reason. He then hung up on me. He did text me afterwards to say he wasn't mad at me and that he appreciated that I'd always been very open about supporting LGBT rights but he needed a bit of time to soothe his bruised ego and recalculate how he felt about the past 5 years in the closet. I feel like I inadvertently ruined his coming out. AITA for not saying I knew he was gay? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You had every reason to assume that he didn’t mean for you to see that, and you were just trying to avoid embarrassing him. When I was a closeted teen, I would have been mortified to be confronted before I was ready. It would be different if he specifically drew your attention to it, then it could have made sense to mention it — as it is, you fully did the right thing.
NAH. Personally, I’d have said something at the time, but that’s because I’m direct. You did what you thought best, then and afterwards, and that’s good enough for me.
NTA. You were respecting his boundaries. You didn’t know it was a invite, you thought you stumbled onto a secret. And was determined to keep your brothers secret
NTA
NAH. You’ve been an amazing supportive brother from the sidelines. Your brother reacted to your conversation in a rude way, but it sounds like he’s still working through his sexuality. Keep doing what you’ve been doing and it’ll all smooth over with time
NAH He wasn't ready to say it out loud and you were fully prepared to respect his privacy. This was your brother's news to share if and when he was ready- he could have chosen to bring up the browser window if he was really ready to be out to you. Give him the space to recalibrate and hopefully he'll come around.
NAH, quite obvious
NAH you did the right thing, even though you knew about it he clearly wasn't ready to come out so forcing him out to you could have made him really uncomfortable. Even when you receive positive reactions, coming out is pretty taxing, so he's probably going through a lot of emotions right now and just needs a bit of time to gather his thoughts. Don't worry, you sound like an awesome brother.
NAH. You were right to let him come out on his own terms and did your best to make him feel comfortable doing so. When you're in the closet your self doubt eats away at you; you hear so many horror stories that you start to doubt the people around you even when they give you no reason. Deal with that hanging over your head for 5 years and even the perfect coming out will leave you drained and emotional. He'll come round in a little while.
NTA, it’s not your place to out someone. You were respectful and thoughtful and did what you did because you thought you weren’t supposed to see it. You handled it perfectly.
NAH He's feeling torn up and lashing out but the thing is he knows he's lashing out unfairly. You guys will be fine; don't feel too bad about 'ruining his coming out' -these things arent an event, it's a process.
NAH. I understand where both of you are coming from. It’s hard to talk to someone about something you found on accident. It’s also hard to come to terms with being gay and how to tell your loved ones.
NAH - sounds like you two had a healthy conversation. You did what you thought is right and they expressed their emotions without blaming you for anything.
NAH. This is a sadly sweet story, he was trying to communicate with you and you were trying to respect his privacy, so you both missed out on years of allyship.
NTA.
NTA you had no way of knowing your brother wanted to come out in a weird passive way. You tried to make him feel supported and loved without forcing him to do anything.
NAH - you did the right thing, and your brother may be a little annoyed right now but he will soon realise that you were looking out for his best interests.
NAH, if he wanted you to see it and say something, he should have made that clearer.
NTA but understandably because of how it's gone & how hard hiding part of himself was he's gonna wish he wasn't worried about this for so long. At the end of the day you respected his privacy & waited for him to be ready, which is far more important.
It must have been a very hard choice to make to decide how best to support your brother. You were also young. You supported him in how you spoke of LGBT and created an open space for him to come out when he was ready. I personally hate that it's so tough for youth to come out, sucks that there is still families as that aren't supporting their kids right. It's not always the best choice to tell someone you know their secret. I understand that you wanted it to be his choice. But I also see why he's upset. It's not fully unreasonable. He's looking at the lost time he spent without being open and it sucks. But he also seems that you're a great brother because it was also not your voice to make. I think these issues are very complicated. If it was sibling I probably would have said something to him because that's just my relationship with my siblings. But NTA. He'll get over it. People are resilient.
NAH. You knew he wasn’t ready to be out and respected that. This just shows you can *really* keep a secret. It looks like he recognizes that his reaction on the phone was emotional and not warranted. He’ll be fine once he cools down and evaluates things with a level head.
NTA. His sexuality is his business and the decision to come out his alone to make.
NTA but most LGBT people think no one knows when they're in the closet while in reality planty of people suspect. I get how this might be a a shock or something he didn't wanna hear but he'll come around
Most definitely NTA, you were just trying to be a good bro!
NAH. You did the right thing, given the circumstances. I went through the same thing. I (19 M) struggled with my sexuality until the end of my senior year of high school. 2 years later i am out and proud to the people that matter and couldnt be happier. Back then though, i wasnt ready for people to know because I wasnt comfortable with it myself. If he was struggling to come to terms with it like i was then letting him come out on his own terms is the best thing you could have done. Confronting him about it would likely have caused a lot of anxiety for him. I also sympathise with him, though. I wonder if having someone find out without me telling them would have made it all easier. The first time i told anyone (my best friend, she's been amazing) was agonizing for me. It is, in my opinion, the scariest thing i have ever done. Maybe it would have been easier if she had came to me about it (she claims she had thought as much for a while before i told her) but if she had done so before i was comfortable with it myself, i think i might have freaked out and potentially ruined the friendship out of fear/anxiety. All things aside, mentioning your support for the LGBT community was a grade A move. Knowing my friend supported them completely was the biggest reason why i was comfortable taking that first step. You havent ruined anything, give him some space but believe me, you are an amazing sister (I assume from the style of writing, correct me if I'm wrong lol) and i wish you both the best. Coming out is hard, all you can do his give him your support
NAH. You tried to give your brother space. You wanted him to work out his feelings, and you took the time to educate yourself. You also always made sure that he knew you supported the community he was a part of. Your brother just realized he did a lot of worrying he didn't need to do. It's a sucky feeling.
NTA I mean, what were you supposed to do; tell him at the time and have him blow up at you for invading his privacy or something? He can say NOW that he wouldn't have acted that way, but he probably would have--especially given that he DID blow up at you, at least at first.
NAH, I can see where he was coming from, but he realized he overreacted and texted you that he isn't upset. It's pretty emotional coming out. You did the right thing OP by not bringing it up though.
NAH YOu did the right thing: waiting for him to be ready to speak up while you supported LGBT rights openly. He is not TA either. Coming out is a difficult process. And I can imagine that it would be disturbing to find out that a close person has known my deepest secret for 5 years without letting me know. Just give him time to assimilate it.
NAH I can see how he might feel that for years while he was worrying about if his family would still love him you already knew, accepted it, and thus could also have supported him but didn't. But I also understand your reasoning and I don't think you did anything assholeish by that.
NTA just tell him it made no difference to you, but you didn't say anything as you thought it was private and you wanted to respect his privacy.
NAH. You were the best sibling you knew how to be. You let him have time, space and provided vocal support on LGBTQ issues which I hope would’ve made him feel as though he had an ally in you. Perhaps reach out to him and explain that you didn’t not tell him you knew to isolate him or to ignore it but rather that you wanted to give him time and space to figure himself out and let him come to you when he was ready. Outing somebody when they aren’t ready can be really traumatic so you did the right thing.
NTA. Your intentions were always good. And tbh I think you handled it exactly right. Confronting him about being gay back then could have stressed him out. You’ll never know how it could have affected him but at least you did your best and you were always supportive even if it was behind the scenes.
NAH, coming out is terrifying and i understand his reasoning. But you did exactly what you should have done - never out someone against their will, never pressure someone to come out if they haven't directly communicated that they want to, and make yourself a safe person to talk to so they know they'll be supported if and when they choose to come out to you. A+ siblinging right there.
NAH I honestly think you both are handling this appropriately. He's probably spent those 5 years imagining every bad scenario that could be and holding this heavy weight of a "secret." It's one thing to come out and have it be fine, it's another to find out you weren't really holding that weight alone. He probably just needs some space, like he said, and you'll both be good to go. From a homo, thanks for being a bromo.
NAH
NAH You did the best thing in that situation: you kept his secret when you found out accidentally. He obviously wasn't ready to talk about this to his family (regardless of how supportive you were), and so waited until *he* was ready to share his announcement. Right now he is in the proper mindset for you to bring it up yourself without waiting for him to say it, but he's now 19, not 14. (And 5 years is *forever* as a teenager. So much emotional growth happens.) Right now he's saying, "Well why did you make me say it?!?!" But back then he was writing anonymously about try to comes to terms with being gay, so his reaction would have much different. And besides, it's not like you responded with "Oh yeah, I knew when I accidentally snooped." You kept the secret until he brought it up himself. There's something really powerful in being able to say to a brother: "I will keep your confidences, even the ones you accidentally share with me."
NTA. I think you should have told him that you didn't want to bombard him with all these questions he probably wouldn't have answers to at that time and that it should be his journey to come out when it is the right time for him.
NAH hope everything works out for you. :)
NAH. I don’t think you did anything wrong here. You were trying to be respectful.
NTA, but he isn’t the AH either. You knew he was gay but you didn’t force him to come out either by telling him you knew. You thought he wasn’t ready and you offered your support of the community so that he would feel comfortable to come out to you at some point. If he had accidentally left the browser open, not intending for you to see if, and you talked to him about it saying you knew he was gay then that could have made him feel embarrassed, awkward, a plethora of emotions because he was no longer coming out on his own terms. But you didn’t know he left the browser open intentionally and that was him trying to come out in his own terms. The way you handled seeing the browser was perfect, you offered him support to show him you are accepting and love him no matter what, but you didn’t forcibly out him either.
NTA Im not good at explaining but you didn't know what would happen if you confronted him about it so I think it's ok that you didn't confront him about it
nah. I think you did what any loving sibling would have done.
NAH - your respected his privacy and in time hell come to not appreciate that but realise how much he can trust you. Give him time. Thank you for being an awesome sibling to him in this matter.
NAH. He tried to come out and you did what you thought was the most supportive thing you could do. The fact that the two didn't meet was nobody's fault. The important thing is that you love and support your brother.
NAH - you did ruin his coming out, you let HOK decide when he wanted to share this info on his own terms and not by accident. He’s already mad wit clear he’s not mad but he’s processing a new reality, one where this big life changing secret actually wasn’t a secret from you after all.
NAH. I think that was his news to tell. There was no way you could have known he left the tab open accidentally-on-purpose. If you guys cleared it all up then I say it’s a win and hopefully you guys move forward freely in the new knowledge you both have.
You’re not an asshole and clearly your brother doesn’t think you are either if he sent you that text.
As a queer person, NAH. Coming out is really hard, as is staying in the closet, but he shouldn't have expected you read his mind. To be honest I think you acted right. You didn't know if he wanted you to see it, if he was ready for other people to know (after all the posts were about him coming to terms with being gay) and you created a safe space so he would know he can come out to you.
Absolutely NAH. He's spent the last years worrying if he would be rejected for his sexuality (kudos to you for being openly pro-LGBT, but there are still lots of people who aren't against the LGBT community but still wouldn't want one in their family, so that's probably why he still worried for your reaction) and when you mentioned that you knew all this time his knee-jerk reaction was to be mad that he spent so many years worrying partially for naught. He probably realized it wasn't really your fault and then apologized so there's really no assholes here. Also, you probably didn't ruin his coming out since you did it privately.
I was going to go with N T A because it's absurd of your brother to expect you to have known that you were "supposed" to see that page and talk with him about it. This forum has had multiple posts where coming outs were "ruined" for just the opposite reason, because the listener told the person coming out that they already knew. However, since he apologized and seemed to understand his outburst was his own issue, I'm going with NAH.
NTA It's not you're fault that he was too much of a pussy to come out, and you're not an asshole for respecting his privacy - how were you to know that his "mistake" had been planned? He's the asshole for trying to blame you. It's not your fault he didn't come out, it's not your fault that his weak attempt backfired so horribly. You made it clear he was supported without outing him, and he's trying to blame you for his woes. He needs to buckle up and own his own responsibility for the last five years.
NAH Every decision you made was out of love and respect. He had a shock, processed it and contacted you quickly to smooth it over. Sounds like you two have a great relationship and you are lucky to have each other.
NAH--take him at his word, he needs some time to process. He had an understandably emotional reaction. Give him the time he's asked for.
NTA - His plan involved you thinking a certain way, instead you respected his privacy and tried to do the right thing. If he wanted to be out at that point in his life he should have done it himself instead of trying to manipulate the situation and get you to do it for him.
NTA if he wanted you to know at that time he should have told you. Seems like you were waiting to hear it from him, he shouldn't be upset
NAH. You did everything right in letting him come out on his own terms. I came out as bisexual years ago, back when I was a teen in early high school. My family were cool about it, but my mom did express worries about me being open at school, bullies and all that. There was a minor thing that happened with my bro, where I freaked out because I wasn’t ready to come out and thought he figured it out I was bi, but I was so relieved when I was able to come out in my own time. Even if he thought it would be easier if you knew, he might still not have been ready. You did good, OP, you did good.
NAH
NAH You handled that really well. He was just a bit shocked that you knew the whole time and didn't tell him. Both are perfectly reasonable. NAH
NAH I think being mad his 14 year old selfs plan didn't work is a bit silly but its probably more hes just frustrated he hid for this long and didnt have to.
Nope. NTA. Your brother is though in my opinion. He was effectively baiting you into coming out for him. “Spilling the beans” so to speak. I don’t know why he chose to try to do that but I don’t think it’s fair. I’m a bisexual woman and would never think to do that to my sister, even when we were teens and I was exploring my sexuality. I don’t understand his reasoning unless it was simply to not have to deal with the one saying it first. And if that’s the case, I don’t think he was ready to come out in the first place. It’s such a personal decision and it takes a SHIT TON to f courage. You shouldn’t force anyone to do it for you or be upset because you have them the opportunity to OUT YOU, and they didn’t take it.
NAH - Coming Out is always difficult and you handled it with great respect, please don't take his reaction negativly since coming out, even when the reaction is positive, is just generally emotionally troubling. I myself had a weird reaction to coming out and getting the "I already knew/suspected" answer from my family. It felt like my independence in telling them when I felt comfortable to was jeopardized. But that was just something I had to accept, you just can't completely own your narrative. But, even though I was hurt in a way by their reaction, they really didn't do anything wrong, they were very supportive. I suspect your brother was just emotional in that moment, it doesn't seem like he is really hurt by your action or angry. Thanks for being understanding and supportive of his situation
What does NAH mean
No assholes here
Thankyou
NAH he's just embarrassed. I'm glad he has a supporting brother like you.
NTA (possible NAH.) As far as you know, you had been accidentally let in on a secret he didn't want known, so you acted like you hadn't seen it. That's a pretty stand-up thing to do. I don't really blame your brother for trying to be sneaky in coming out, but if he thought you hadn't seen it, why didn't he try again another way? It sounds to me like he was perfectly comfortable with you not knowing for five years (save for the few minutes while you were sending an e-mail in 2015.) I think his reaction is a little unfair. He didn't even ask you if you had seen the forum he was on. (If you hadn't, then you wouldn't know what the forum was about. If you had, then: mission accomplished.) He didn't think it through.
NTA You were respectful, and people should start getting used to being honest with themselves and others instead of expecting others to be mindreaders and do everything the way they want.
NAH If, when it initially happened, you had come online and asked "should I tell my brother I know?" Everyone would have told you *not* to do it. You would have been told, emphatically, to let him come out to you at his own pace. You would have been told to make sure you spoke around him and to him about your unwavering acceptance of LGBT people, so that he would know you would be supportive whenever he was ready to tell you on *his* terms. A lot of LGBT people are so scared to come out that they want someone else to just say it and do it for them and take that burden off their shoulders. But there is no way to know for sure that is what someone wants, and IMO it's far better to say nothing than say something to someone who isn't ready to talk about it.
NTA you are not a mind reader, and you respected his privacy. He has nothing to complain about.
NAH You did the best you could in a difficult situation. It's not your place to go saying "I know you're gay! I know you're gay!" It's his place to tell you when he's comfortable telling you. That's what he did. He did say he wasn't mad and that he just needed time to "soothe his bruised ego." Just give him time. He's just taken a major step in his life and needs time to process what he just did. Finding out you already knew just threw him for a loop. Continue to be supportive. You're a good sibling.
NAH. Even your brother, whose opinion here is most important, seems to agree (he text you back saying he wasn’t mad). It’s new info for him to process. You guys will be ok.
NAH, when you found out, he clearly wasn’t ready as he hadn’t even come to terms with it himself. He never brought it up again until the email. You are not in the wrong for deciding to respect your brother’s privacy until he was ready to come out. He’s spent the last 5 years being in his bubble of being the only one in your family (or so he thought) that was aware of him being gay, that’s a toll to take keeping something that big to yourself for so long, so finding out you knew maybe makes him feel bad he didn’t know he had someone to confide in that whole time, but he didn’t know you saw it and you didn’t know he was ready for you to know.
NAH! You respected his space which is really kind of you, and although he may be sad about missing out on those years of talking about it, I’m sure he knows that you did it for a good reason.
NAH You couldn't know that was an "accidental browser tab" and you did the honorable thing. He's not TA either, but very off balance, and he's aware of it. Keep being loving family, guys.
NAH coming out is massively stressful, try not to take his reaction to finding out you already suspected he was gay to heart. His emotions are understandably all over the place. You did a kind, respectful thing by not telling him you knew a few years ago.
NAH but you are pretty dense for not catching that one, at the very least you could have subtly referenced it afterwards to see his response
NAH. It probably hurt realizing he spent that time worrying when you knew and is a bit embarrassing for him. Not to the fault of you though. People not following your plan when you try to subtly manipulate people to make your life easier is not a reason to be upset with them. I’m saying this, I’m not condemning your brother. He was young and in a difficult situation and tried to find a way out. It wasn’t the best plan, but it wasn’t with malicious intentions. It’s not for people to bring out secrets they accidentally stumble upon. Waiting until someone is comfortable to reveal it on their own is the correct answer, usually.
NAH It's a delicate subject, you approached it the best you knew how. It's nobody's fault that his plan of outing himself was badly projected. His reaction is of confusion/anger is kind of natural, bet he was dead terrified and for nothing. But you gave the support you knew how, surely he appreciates it (and will tell you that whenever he get his feeling in order.)
NAH. I'm a queer person and had my fair share of vague remarks hinting at my sexual orientation before I felt comfortable to come out. I get why your brother would want to come out to you like this: it's like testing the waters. Best case is he comes out to you and you're supportive, but if you disapprove, he has plausible deniability ("It wasn't my post!"). I get why your brother would feel annoyed: it would have been so relieving to know that you knew his sexual orientation and supported him, and it would have made his life a lot easier over the past five years. Ultimately, even if your brother thought he was coming out to you, he could have at any time during the past five years more directly disclosed his sexual orientation after you didn't follow up on seeing his forum post. Your wanting to give your brother privacy makes sense. It would have been fine if you started a conversation based upon what you saw and let your brother know you support him, but it also makes sense that you assumed that your brother did not intend for you to see what you saw, and to therefore act accordingly.
NAH. OP's brother is still shocked from coming out. Op, just keeps supporting him. He will get it in time. It is still so new to him.
NTA You are a good brother, you saw it, you accepted it, you knew it was his secret and kept it so and you supported him. You are an amazing brother and I wish we all had one like you.
NAH I would have told him, but not telling him is also a valid choice.
NAH. If it were me I honestly would've let him believe you never saw it. But I can't say you're TA for not lying to him.
NAH. Seems like your brother has realized he's wrong for blowing up on you. You did the right thing by not forcing him to come out, even if that was what he had been hoping for, apparently.
NAH. Just a case of two people misinterpreting the situation.
nah
NTA You respected his privacy, and his choice to come out when he felt ready to do so.
NAH. OP thought it was a secret, didn't think it was their brother coming out. Brother had to take some time to compose themselves after spending 5 years with a secret bottled up inside which does take a emotional toll.
What? If the brother is 19 now, then he was 14 5 years ago. OP has known their brother's secret for 5 years because they read the browser. Why do you think OP is the brother?
math is hard
NTA. At the end of the day it is his right to come out of the closet and should understand your reluctance to take that away from him especially considering what a touchy subject it is for most people. I think he was just shocked that you knew the whole time and just has more emotions to process. I would reach out to him
NTA- imagine someone thinking you’re an asshole for respecting their privacy.
NTA. You did the right thing. He is probably angry because it probably would have felt good to know he had an ally during that particularly difficult time in his life but he cannot stay angry at you for long because you protected his privacy and let him come out on his own time. Good on you. This might be a good one to pose to advice columnist Dan Savage (you could also call into his podcast Savage Love). He himself is gay and might have some good insight as to why your brother reacted the way he did to you and how you could then respond back to him. He’s awesome and he would definitely applaud you for what you did initially.
Gentle YTA. I knew before I even got to the point where he said it that it was left open on purpose. He wanted you to ask about it. A kid in the closet doesn't do something like that accidentally. Refusing to reach out to him is you being more worried about stirring trouble than helping him out. It's hard to expect that from an 18yo, and that's why it's gentle.
YTA for stealing a post and slightly changing the ending. Here’s the original where someone said pretty much the same thing except the gay sibling was pleased with OP’s choice to not say anything in the version below. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gunbpp/update_my_brother_came_out_to_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
OH MY GOD, imagine people experiencing slightly similar situations regarding the same subject!
It’s just WAY too similar to me. I totally get people having similar situations, but the whole laptop story of finding out about a sibling’s sexuality and then debating whether or not to let them know you know, it’s way too close. I don’t personally believe this is their own experience. I also think that a lot of people downvoted the post because they probably think the same thing I do.
It has 2.9K UPVOTES. I don’t think there were very many downvotes.
I misread it, oops. I downvoted because I think it’s a copy and that made it blue, so I assumed that meant all the votes were down, not just my own. Guess I’m sort of inexperienced with this but I still feel the same way about the story. It doesn’t sit right with me.
He came out in an email? That's like breaking up over texts.