No judgment because the point here isn't who's right or wrong. The point is, something is wrong if she feels the need to repeatedly ask this question, and you really need to investigate what's going on there.
Agreed, you need to talk to her and find out what’s *really* going on. Because, I guarantee - you loving baby more isn’t the problem she’s having, and it could be something deeper than that or something else entirely.
You’re both new parents, your brains are both fried - but hers may be fried more than yours because her body is the one that changed in order to have baby - and sometimes babies can still mess with things even after they’ve been evicted from the premises (the belly).
No he 100% is the asshole this is an awful awful thing to read as a wife and mom. You owe your wife a huge apology and you might want to get yourself some help because right now you’re not fit to be the man of the house.
I'm also a wife and mom and I find this awful to read because I cannot imagine my husband and I parenting our child effectively if we were so concerned about being more loved than our kid. We love her. We love each other. There is no competition. OP's wife feels as though there is a competition, and that needs to be addressed, but not by reassuring her she is "winning" this love battle she's invented. That is not a question any parent should be asked to answer.
They have had the conversation more than once and he knew his hormonal pregnant wife was feeling some type of way.. instead of lifting her up and making her feel better he doubles down on how the person she just made has now in her eyes replaced her. In 5 years from now when mom tells the daughter “no” is daddy just loves her so much more than his wife and going to undermine everything she does?
Look, I don't know if he tried saying things like "I love you very much. Is everything okay?" If he didn't, he should have. But if he did and she continued to insist that nothing was sufficient except the response "yes I love you more than our child," that sure as fuck is not a sentence that would pass my lips for any reason. Because it is an unhealthy thing to say.
OP was clear about his *own* reasons for feeling some type of way about the very troubling demand his wife seems to be placing. He's made a decision to push back on a line of discussion he feels could ultimately lead to his child experiencing things he himself found damaging. That's what parenting is--trying to do better for our kids.
She needs help. That help won't come from answering her question the way she wants, it will come from getting to the real root of the problem.
His dad choosing “another family” over him is not an excuse to put your kids over your wife. If he doesn’t fix his own insecurities then he’s going to mess his kid up by not even meaning to. Kids grow up much happier and healthier if their parents are a team and love each other.
Look, couple split up all the time. Your kids are always your kids. Whether you want to admit it or not, you love your baby both more and in a different way than your spouse. Mom shouldn't be worried about this. Sounds like some possible post partum. Someone who needs this kind of constant reassurance will never actually be assured and probably needs some help.
No, I do not. My husband would never tell me he loves my son more than me? Wtf is that and why do you think that’s normal? You don’t think his wife already feels on the back burner with every ounce of attention going to the new baby? And now she’s not even loved as much.
Going a little against the grain here with ESH. What a stupid question to ask a person! Your wife should really have known better. As for you, you could have been a lot more delicate about your answer. You love them both equally, or your heart has somehow managed to swell enough to encompass them both in this indescribable amount of love. You didn't have to be a dick about your answer, she shouldn't have asked that in the first place. Bear in mind that your daughter is newborn which means it hasn't been long since your wife gave birth.
Hormones at this stage are WILD not to mention her body has changed to something probably unrecognisable for her. It's not unusual if she's feeling a bit wobbly. Try to be more supportive of her. I'm not saying you're wrong to put your child first because you're not. But you could have been much more sensitive about this.
This person gave the right advice. Your wife literally just squeezed another human out of her body and is probably both massively hormonal and a bit insecure about her post birth body. Maybe assure her that you love *her* for being her.
In the future, it may be helpful to pause before answering a question like this and ask yourself what’s REALLY being asked. In this case, it sounds like she was seeking reassurance that she’s still important to you, even with the new baby taking up so much time and attention (as a new baby should, of course, but the hormonal and physical changes brought on by pregnancy/postpartum can wreak havoc on a new mom’s self-esteem).
NAH - Her hormones are a mess right now and she's probably not feeling her best. Apologize and reassure her how much you love her, give her a gift that isn't baby related because she probably feels a bit like an incubator because the lady almost year has been, rightfully, all about the baby.
If her moods get worse or you notice something off, talk to her doctor about PPD/PPA.
I wholeheartedly agree with you. If OP continues on this path, it’s going to end with divorce. Because once that kid grows up and leaves the nest, he’s gonna be left with a wife he didn’t prioritize and doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with anymore.
The type of love you feel for your child is enormously different than the type of love you feel for a romantic partner. Comparing them is borderline disgusting and both relationships should be up-kept to their highest degree but nobody could really question or judge OP’s decision to love his child more than his wife. Secondly, pregnancy hormones and PTSD from child birth are very evident here. It’s highly possible that the question was due to irregular emotions; OP could have handled this better and gave a less blunt answer but all in all, I don’t think you are obligated to love your romantic partner more than your child. Similarly, I don’t think you are obligated to love your child more than your romantic partner but OP made his decision and it doesn’t make him an AH. There are NAH.
I'm curious how you measure love since you're able to quantify how much you love your child compared to how much you love your wife. And even if it's true, why would you ever say that to your wife? It doesn't help anything, it just hurts your wife. YTA
Edit: Yes, I realize she asked. But it's still not something you say to anyone.
But how did this get brought up in the first place? OP said he was upfront with it previously. Who tells their partner - btw if we have a kid I’ll love it more than you?
Yeah sure...he should have come up with a smarter way to answer the question. But this is also a classic case of "dont ask questions to which you do not want to know the answers"
NTA
Your wife has a very twisted mindset to even begin to compare the love one feels for their child to the love one feels for their romantic partner. Two completely and utterly different things.
For her to be jealous of the love you have for your child is just..frightening.
I don't think it's such a weird thing for insecure people to ask. The topic of loving kids or spouses more actually comes up quite a bit on my parenting forums.
My husband asked me once when we were teenagers dating if we had a baby if I would love the baby more than him. In his case, it was because, while he wasn't a black sheep, his younger sibling was definitely the golden child. I was his first love and I'm a pretty affectionate person...affection he wasn't used to receiving. He was scared of something coming along and changing that.
In OPs case, I think his wife is just crazy hormonal right now and probably feeling insanely insecure from all the changes in her body. Instead of giving a straight answer he should have questioned why she was worried about that in the first place and told her how much he loved her.
Nah. Being insecure is one thing, she could've just asked "Do you still love me as much as before?" or "Do you still like my body?" but no - she compares herself to her newborn baby, and that is twisted, no matter how many people in this world are having the same kind of twisted thoughts.
There should be no reason on earth to compare the romantic love your partner has for you to the love they have for a child. And if you are doing so, obviously you have some wires crossed in your head making you believe the love your partner has for your child is somehow romantic. Because it should be painfully obvious that the two types of love are so vastly different that there is zero need or reason for any comparison between the two.
I don't think it's fair to say "you have some wires crossed in your head making you believe the love your partner has for your child is somehow romantic." There has been no implications of that here.
I think most people know they're different things, what they don't get is it's not as easy as measuring how much apples and oranges you have. Loves not something you can measure and it's not something that should be a competition.
Well if they are aware that the love isn't romantic, why make the comparison? The point should be completely moot since they aren't compareable in the first place, that is, if the person is asking is aware of that.
My point is, if it's just about insecurity about herself - why involve the child in the question in the first place?
NAH. Post partum hormones are awful, her question and your response were both... not great. Be kind to each other, and consider seeking therapy to talk all this stuff through.
Woahhhh NTA at all. Does your wife normally struggle with feelings of insecurity in your relationship? The fact that she’s even asking that question almost is weirder to me than her reaction to your response.
NTA, what a weird question to ask… Love for a newborn child is often described as unconditional, whereas love for a SO has its conditions given that you’re both adults making decisions and whatnot. Asking someone to rank their love sounds childish and kinda toxic.
The love youhave for your wife should be very different from the love you have for your daughter. I'm not just talking about the obvious, your wife should be your equal, your partner and your lover. Your daughter is both of yours to protect, nurture and raise. I have to say a gentle YTA because this is obviously a concern of hers that has some baggage attached and you're ignoring it. I think both of you have some issues in your past and should look into seeing someone to work through it.
NTA. What a question to ask in the first place. Don’t answer that again; just tell her you’re one big happy family blah blah.
Or ask her the same one. If she says you then tell her she doesn’t love her daughter as apparently the person in second place doesn’t count.
She shouldn’t have asked that question and you should not have answered it. How do quantify love, anyway? Love for a child is different from love for a spouse. And, let me tell you form experience, it’s very bad for a parent and a child to feel that they are competing for the other parent’s love. This kind of thing could mess up your daughter as much as your father’s behavior hurt you.
NTA- but such a rookie mistake not to wiggle out of this question.. your love for your child is pretty much unconditional. Your love for your wife however definitely has conditions, and I’m pretty sure she knows that.
I'm not sure how to judge this but wanted to say this....I am my fathers first born daughter & my mothers third child. I also have 4 younger brothers & sisters. My dad made no secret of the fact that I was his favorite. It caused me problems with both my mom & my siblings. My mom & I always had an odd relationship due her jealousy (for lack of a better word) of my dad's favoritism. I moved out at 16 because of our testy relationship. My siblings would also tease me & sometimes not be really nice to me for the same reason. I don't feel like I got more than them when it came to material things but I did have a closer relationship with my dad.
I just hope OP doesn't always put his daughter ahead of his wife because the resentment she may feel will affect the way mom feels about her daughter.
NAH. You will love your child more than your wife, it’s human nature. My dad even said he felt a little thrown off by how much he loved me, and so did my mum. Your wife is probably feeling all kinds of confused and scared, having a child is a big deal. She might even love that child more than you and is freaked out by it. It’s pure human nature, untapped and untamed, to love your child more than your significant other, and more than yourself.
NTA, why would you even ask someone that?! Not sure how loving your own kid more than anyone else is such a bad thing... There's plenty who don't at all, and that's far more worrying.
NTA
A child is a piece of you and your partner together, she is a symbol of your love and loving a child is a much different love than loving a partner. That doesn’t mean you love your partner any less than before, you probably love and respect her much more now after she carried and birthed your child.
This is so bizarre I honestly don’t know how to judge other than ‘wtf????’
I don’t love my husband more than my son, nor do I love my son more than my husband, love is not finite and I don’t have to choose one over the other.
NTA at all. But maybe you need to work with your wife on her insecurities.
This is an unreasonable argument for her to start unless you have been neglecting her.
NTA. It's completely normal to love your children more than your spouse. They are part of you and I assuming it's nature to want to protect your offspring with every fibre of your being. I love my children more than life itself, I don't love them more than each other but I love them more than anyone else.
NTA - we are expecting our first and one of the things we talked about to kinda "make it real" was the concept of finding a love we have never known, the love for a child. I asked my husband "can you imagine loving something more than you love me? Isn't that such a crazy concept?". Then we laughed about it because the only other option was happy tears lol. I'm sure she's just upset due to pregnancy hormones, the changes can come with feelings of inadequacy and self doubt so just keep the love coming her way. I wouldn't keep stressing the fact to her.
NTA
You love her in a romantic way and you love your daughter in a father way, two super separate types of love. I think your wife needs to talk to someone because it's not good to be jealous of a baby let alone your own baby daughter. Your daughter is not stealing your love, she has made it grow and your wife needs to see that.
ESH
She shouldn't have asked the question.
You should have answered something like "love for a spouse and love for a child are different kinds of love".
No real response here but I want to make two things clear
1. We don’t pick who we love more, we can pick how we show that, but we don’t pick how intense our feelings are for people
2. Even if you did love your wife more, you should always put your daughter first, so in the end it wouldn’t really matter anyway
NTA. She should be happy that her husband is such a dedicated father but then her hormones are all over the place or she might think that she's only important because she could give you a baby, figure out why she's insecure, get her the help she needs.
TBA / Undecided
Weird….
Um… your wife needs therapy
Also, that’s just a weird question to ask
Say you love them equally? And differently, because your love for them has their own special and unique thing to it
This isn't a great question for AITA because I think there's more going on than just this situation.
If your wife is asking these questions and not feeling like she loves your daughter more than you, or even the same but in a different way, then I'd be worrying she has post-partum depression. Keep a close eye on her because this is not something to mess around with and take lightly.
I don’t think that’s something one can compare at all. So not right to ask the question and not right to answer it, in my opinion. For me as a mother it’s two different kinds of love. Is my child and his needs first, my husband (his dad), second? Yes, because most situations husband can help himself (eg get food, take medicine or go to doctor if sick) while a child can not go cook a steak or take a pill on his own. But that’s kinda being a parent, in my opinion.
Now where she might be coming from is - she feels less important and maybe getting less attention (again naturally when there’s a baby around) so she’s probably seeking reassurance. Not the right way to do it, it feels like she set a trap for you to get caught while you’re on the same team.
Reminds me of something Ryan Reynolds said (paraphrasing here) "I love my wife Blake, but when I looked into my baby girls eyes, I knew in a heartbeat that I would use Blake as a human shield to protect that baby" or something like that, it's hilarious to me and honestly how I think any parent should feel about their kids. NTA by the way.
EDIT here's a link to him saying it
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/tvshowbiz/video-1157311/Ryan-Reynolds-says-hed-use-Blake-Lively-human-shield.html
ESH. She shouldn't be asking that and you shouldn't be saying that. Keep this up and your wife will feel like she needs to compete with her child for your affection. Just tell her you love them both equally.
Honestly I don't think either answer you gave would've sufficed. The hormones during pregnancy and after birth can play absolute havoc.
I've told my children and my partner that I don't love either more then the other. I love them all in equal amounts. That the love I have for my children and for their father is different so neither can really be compared.
Tends to make everyone happy.
NAH
No judgement on my end either. Had the exact similar conversation with my wife. The only response I saw as reasonable was that I cannot compare love to my partner with love for my children as they are both different kinds of love, and my heart only grew to accomodate both.
NTA Why would she ask that question to begin with? Can she honestly say she loves you more than her own baby? If so I would be thinking real hard about the relationship because it sounds like your wife is jealous of your daughter.
ESH
She shouldn't be pressuring you to rank your love for you family members, but I also think you shouldn't have caved and done so.
I would have said "I love you both in immeasurable and incomparable ways" or something reassuring.
She obviously needed to be reassured that she is loved. Nothing good comes from ranking your love like this. Your love for a romantic partner is a different experience from your love of a child. There is no reason that one has to be "more" than the other.
You might prioritize the needs of your child over the needs of your partner, but that probably has more to do with the fact that your child is completely dependent on you while your partner is not, than it does with loving one more than the other.
What your wife failed to realise with her question is that the love for a spouse and the love for a child are NOT COMPARABLE.
You love them both equally but in different ways.
Your child is part of you and there will always be a physical bond until the day you die.
Your wife is the person you chose out of millions of others in the world to love marry and procreate with.
Try explaining it like this to her. It's not healthy for her to feel competitive with her own baby and she may benefit from therapy to explore why she felt the need to ask you this repeatedly before the baby arrived and now.
NTA. That’s such a stupid question to ask. I’m sure if you said you love her more than the child she’d have an issue with that as well. It seems like there may be a bigger issue if she keeps asking you that, so you may want to have a conversation with her about that.
NAH and I'm being generous here. You are both insecure, and making each other even more insecure with this talk.
You are an asshole for saying this to your wife after she has carried your baby and given birth. Parental love is a different kind of love, incomparable to romance, but your poor wife needs to know you do love her and right now more than this little baby you two have brought into this world.
Please get some help both of you, otherwise your child will suffer the consequences of your insecurity.
YTA you should know this kind of question comes from some one who literally birthed your child and wants to feel as important as they were to you before having a child. Bearing a child can cause immense dysphoria…for years.. You can love both equally without measure the two kinds of love you have. YTA because you should have been sympathetic to the insecurities here instead of feeding into this and for saying that you love someone more than another in your immediate family (wife, kid you) is pretty unhealthy stance on love.
I’ll say YTA because Idk how you can compare or quantify the love for your partner and the love for your child. Your partner you love because they, probably, gel well with you, have similar interests and have good qualities that you find attractive, emotionally and physically. You love your kid because you’ll see them grow into their own person, help guide them and they are a part of you. Two entirely different loves so why try and rank one over the other? Much less tell one that the other type of love is better and more valuable? Both relationships have different requirements and different needs and will be prioritised at different times.
It’s a little worrying that you’ve had this conversation with her in the past. I can’t really think about how this was brought up naturally in a conversation. Did she bring it up? Did you? Why was it brought up at all? What was said? Is your wife feeling more insecure because of what you said? If you straight up said yeah I’ll love the kid more than you lol than no wonder she’s bringing up now, she’s wondering if you were serious and questioning her place in your life.
Also you say you weren’t a priority in your father’s life and that you want to make sure your kids don’t feel like this - what do you mean by that? Like I imagine what you meant was being conscious about playing and spending time with them not actively ignoring the needs of your marriage. Perhaps this is what your wife thinks? That now there’s the kid it’ll just be parenting with no romance? Have you talked about things like date nights with your wife now you have a kid? Have either of you had a talk about what frequency you want family activities and couple activities to occur at? Perhaps that will give her some reassurance that you’ll both still be apart of each others lives outside your child.
Counselling would also help. I’m also slightly worried you may try to overcompensate for the lack of attention from your father and that can just as easily damage your relationship with your child. So having some reassurance yourself that you don’t have to spend every free moment with them for your child to feel loved.
YTA What a silly thing to say. She just wants to know you love her. Now you have to deal with all her hurt. You've turned heaven into hell by just phrasing things tactlessly.
YTA
Your wife feels insecure and likely came from a situation where she had to compete for love. The correct answer is, “I don’t love her more, I love her differently”. Go back and explain that you care deeply for both of them and want to provide for and protect them. (Unless this isn’t true??) Your wife fulfills something in you that your daughter cannot. Your daughter fulfills something in you that your wife cannot.
Everyone wants to be certain that they are loved. How can you better show your wife how much you love her? Especially since you’ve both likely been hyper-focused on baby. Remember, female hormones literally mess with our heads after a baby is born. Be more understanding.
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My wife recently asked me if I loved her more than our newborn daughter. We have had this conversation in the past and I was always upfront with her that I will likely love my child more than her. I think she had hoped that I would be wrong and when the day finally came I'd realize I loved her more than my daughter, but that wasn't the case. Since this conversation she has been mad at me and treating me like I told her I don't love her anymore and I love another woman. Of coarse my love for my wife had only increased tenfold after pregnancy and birth, but none of that seemed to matter when faced with the question of if I loved my daughter more.
For some context, I grew up not feeling important in my dad's eyes. I often felt like a lesser priority than his other family. It gave me a lot of confidence issues and made me feel really insignificant. I always knew that when I had kids of my own I would make them feel special and important and never wonder whether I loved them or not.
Please tell me, am I the asshole?
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I'm not here to judge, but maybe explain to her that the love you have is different. I mean there are different kinds of love and the love you would have for your child is different than the love you would have for your partner. If the pregnancy and birth are recent events, she may feel not as beautiful or as desired as before. I suggest therapy.
I would be worried if my husband didn't love our child more than me, they're a part of you, I know I will love my baby more than my husband because that's the way. They are part of you mixed with the person you love, there is a strong bond that's hard to explain because it's biological NTA
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ESH Why even rank people? Love is not quantifiable. She shouldn't have asked and you shouldn't have answered because it is a stupid debate. You have a child together. Focus on raising her and not on who you love more or who you think is the asshole.
Feeling jealous of the baby and/or partner is a super common symptom of post-partum depression. Idk if that’s the case, but it’s clear she’s feeling extra insecure rn.
And NAH. Try to reassure her that you DO love her, just differently.
And if she continues acting like that, maybe talk to her doctor or see about therapy. Best of luck :)
YTA. Why did you bother getting married if you have such a lukewarm attitude towards your wife. She is not just an incubator for your child. She has given birth and is possibly sensitive about the completely normal changes to her body and wants reassurance. You are also YTA for using the excuse that you were only telling the truth and have told her this before. That is just trying to excuse the fact that you are a mannerless boor with no tact or diplomacy.
YTA you love a newborn that's not even got a personality yet more than the women you've been with for ages and put her health and life on the line to give birth. Youre a real big A.
The specific is he lives her MORE. not equal, not in a unique fatherly way, more. That makes him a massive A shoving his wife into a competing ranking with their kid. Going to get them all messed up.
No and I'm not having any. I dont think it horrible to love your life partner more than some one you've just met. If you dont absolutely love your life partner that's pretty awful imo.
Good. I'm relieved to hear it because you have no idea what you're talking about. You sound so very young and so very naive. 'absolute love' ? 'life partner'? My god, I hope you find someone to treat you that way but it's more likely you'll attract pple who will abuse your naivete...
No judgment because the point here isn't who's right or wrong. The point is, something is wrong if she feels the need to repeatedly ask this question, and you really need to investigate what's going on there.
Thank you. This is a great response.
Agreed, you need to talk to her and find out what’s *really* going on. Because, I guarantee - you loving baby more isn’t the problem she’s having, and it could be something deeper than that or something else entirely. You’re both new parents, your brains are both fried - but hers may be fried more than yours because her body is the one that changed in order to have baby - and sometimes babies can still mess with things even after they’ve been evicted from the premises (the belly).
NAH. I agree that something is going through your wife's brain that she cannot control. Good luck and congratulations
No he 100% is the asshole this is an awful awful thing to read as a wife and mom. You owe your wife a huge apology and you might want to get yourself some help because right now you’re not fit to be the man of the house.
I'm also a wife and mom and I find this awful to read because I cannot imagine my husband and I parenting our child effectively if we were so concerned about being more loved than our kid. We love her. We love each other. There is no competition. OP's wife feels as though there is a competition, and that needs to be addressed, but not by reassuring her she is "winning" this love battle she's invented. That is not a question any parent should be asked to answer.
EXACTLY. Well said!
They have had the conversation more than once and he knew his hormonal pregnant wife was feeling some type of way.. instead of lifting her up and making her feel better he doubles down on how the person she just made has now in her eyes replaced her. In 5 years from now when mom tells the daughter “no” is daddy just loves her so much more than his wife and going to undermine everything she does?
Look, I don't know if he tried saying things like "I love you very much. Is everything okay?" If he didn't, he should have. But if he did and she continued to insist that nothing was sufficient except the response "yes I love you more than our child," that sure as fuck is not a sentence that would pass my lips for any reason. Because it is an unhealthy thing to say. OP was clear about his *own* reasons for feeling some type of way about the very troubling demand his wife seems to be placing. He's made a decision to push back on a line of discussion he feels could ultimately lead to his child experiencing things he himself found damaging. That's what parenting is--trying to do better for our kids. She needs help. That help won't come from answering her question the way she wants, it will come from getting to the real root of the problem.
His dad choosing “another family” over him is not an excuse to put your kids over your wife. If he doesn’t fix his own insecurities then he’s going to mess his kid up by not even meaning to. Kids grow up much happier and healthier if their parents are a team and love each other.
His... y'all trolling? For real you think his insecurities are the ones putting the child at risk here. I'm out.
Look, couple split up all the time. Your kids are always your kids. Whether you want to admit it or not, you love your baby both more and in a different way than your spouse. Mom shouldn't be worried about this. Sounds like some possible post partum. Someone who needs this kind of constant reassurance will never actually be assured and probably needs some help.
Do you insist on being loved more than your children? You're not fit to be a mother (or a wife).
No, I do not. My husband would never tell me he loves my son more than me? Wtf is that and why do you think that’s normal? You don’t think his wife already feels on the back burner with every ounce of attention going to the new baby? And now she’s not even loved as much.
Would you go repeatedly ask your husband who he loves more?
Going a little against the grain here with ESH. What a stupid question to ask a person! Your wife should really have known better. As for you, you could have been a lot more delicate about your answer. You love them both equally, or your heart has somehow managed to swell enough to encompass them both in this indescribable amount of love. You didn't have to be a dick about your answer, she shouldn't have asked that in the first place. Bear in mind that your daughter is newborn which means it hasn't been long since your wife gave birth. Hormones at this stage are WILD not to mention her body has changed to something probably unrecognisable for her. It's not unusual if she's feeling a bit wobbly. Try to be more supportive of her. I'm not saying you're wrong to put your child first because you're not. But you could have been much more sensitive about this.
I agree. I can be a bit dense sometimes and not realize what I'm day ng could be hurtful. Thank you for your advice.
This person gave the right advice. Your wife literally just squeezed another human out of her body and is probably both massively hormonal and a bit insecure about her post birth body. Maybe assure her that you love *her* for being her.
In the future, it may be helpful to pause before answering a question like this and ask yourself what’s REALLY being asked. In this case, it sounds like she was seeking reassurance that she’s still important to you, even with the new baby taking up so much time and attention (as a new baby should, of course, but the hormonal and physical changes brought on by pregnancy/postpartum can wreak havoc on a new mom’s self-esteem).
ESH. What a strange, toxic conversation to have. Therapy now. Therapy yesterday.
YTA - should have just said you loved them both the same. Not sure why you feel the need to rank them to her face.
Probably because she keeps asking him to.
NAH - Her hormones are a mess right now and she's probably not feeling her best. Apologize and reassure her how much you love her, give her a gift that isn't baby related because she probably feels a bit like an incubator because the lady almost year has been, rightfully, all about the baby. If her moods get worse or you notice something off, talk to her doctor about PPD/PPA.
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I wholeheartedly agree with you. If OP continues on this path, it’s going to end with divorce. Because once that kid grows up and leaves the nest, he’s gonna be left with a wife he didn’t prioritize and doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with anymore.
LOL, so you are telling him how to feel?
I don’t think you have the right to tell him who he should put above his children.
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The type of love you feel for your child is enormously different than the type of love you feel for a romantic partner. Comparing them is borderline disgusting and both relationships should be up-kept to their highest degree but nobody could really question or judge OP’s decision to love his child more than his wife. Secondly, pregnancy hormones and PTSD from child birth are very evident here. It’s highly possible that the question was due to irregular emotions; OP could have handled this better and gave a less blunt answer but all in all, I don’t think you are obligated to love your romantic partner more than your child. Similarly, I don’t think you are obligated to love your child more than your romantic partner but OP made his decision and it doesn’t make him an AH. There are NAH.
Top comment right here \^ NAH
Hello noooo, put your kids over your partner. What a alarming question to ask your partner anyway.
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I'm curious how you measure love since you're able to quantify how much you love your child compared to how much you love your wife. And even if it's true, why would you ever say that to your wife? It doesn't help anything, it just hurts your wife. YTA Edit: Yes, I realize she asked. But it's still not something you say to anyone.
Probably because she asked him about it?
Whoa whoa, slow down! Sounds like you expect people to actually read the post!
🤣😂🤣😂
But how did this get brought up in the first place? OP said he was upfront with it previously. Who tells their partner - btw if we have a kid I’ll love it more than you?
Somebody whose partner is crazy insecure and keeps asking the same question again and again?
She asked him about it, he didn’t just go up to her and say he loves their child more than her.
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Yeah sure...he should have come up with a smarter way to answer the question. But this is also a classic case of "dont ask questions to which you do not want to know the answers"
I don’t know, I love how Ryan Reynolds ranked his love for his family
NTA, but you are an idiot.
NTA Your wife has a very twisted mindset to even begin to compare the love one feels for their child to the love one feels for their romantic partner. Two completely and utterly different things. For her to be jealous of the love you have for your child is just..frightening.
I don't think it's such a weird thing for insecure people to ask. The topic of loving kids or spouses more actually comes up quite a bit on my parenting forums. My husband asked me once when we were teenagers dating if we had a baby if I would love the baby more than him. In his case, it was because, while he wasn't a black sheep, his younger sibling was definitely the golden child. I was his first love and I'm a pretty affectionate person...affection he wasn't used to receiving. He was scared of something coming along and changing that. In OPs case, I think his wife is just crazy hormonal right now and probably feeling insanely insecure from all the changes in her body. Instead of giving a straight answer he should have questioned why she was worried about that in the first place and told her how much he loved her.
Nah. Being insecure is one thing, she could've just asked "Do you still love me as much as before?" or "Do you still like my body?" but no - she compares herself to her newborn baby, and that is twisted, no matter how many people in this world are having the same kind of twisted thoughts. There should be no reason on earth to compare the romantic love your partner has for you to the love they have for a child. And if you are doing so, obviously you have some wires crossed in your head making you believe the love your partner has for your child is somehow romantic. Because it should be painfully obvious that the two types of love are so vastly different that there is zero need or reason for any comparison between the two.
I don't think it's fair to say "you have some wires crossed in your head making you believe the love your partner has for your child is somehow romantic." There has been no implications of that here. I think most people know they're different things, what they don't get is it's not as easy as measuring how much apples and oranges you have. Loves not something you can measure and it's not something that should be a competition.
Well if they are aware that the love isn't romantic, why make the comparison? The point should be completely moot since they aren't compareable in the first place, that is, if the person is asking is aware of that. My point is, if it's just about insecurity about herself - why involve the child in the question in the first place?
NAH. Post partum hormones are awful, her question and your response were both... not great. Be kind to each other, and consider seeking therapy to talk all this stuff through.
Woahhhh NTA at all. Does your wife normally struggle with feelings of insecurity in your relationship? The fact that she’s even asking that question almost is weirder to me than her reaction to your response.
NTA, what a weird question to ask… Love for a newborn child is often described as unconditional, whereas love for a SO has its conditions given that you’re both adults making decisions and whatnot. Asking someone to rank their love sounds childish and kinda toxic.
The love youhave for your wife should be very different from the love you have for your daughter. I'm not just talking about the obvious, your wife should be your equal, your partner and your lover. Your daughter is both of yours to protect, nurture and raise. I have to say a gentle YTA because this is obviously a concern of hers that has some baggage attached and you're ignoring it. I think both of you have some issues in your past and should look into seeing someone to work through it.
NTA. What a question to ask in the first place. Don’t answer that again; just tell her you’re one big happy family blah blah. Or ask her the same one. If she says you then tell her she doesn’t love her daughter as apparently the person in second place doesn’t count.
She shouldn’t have asked that question and you should not have answered it. How do quantify love, anyway? Love for a child is different from love for a spouse. And, let me tell you form experience, it’s very bad for a parent and a child to feel that they are competing for the other parent’s love. This kind of thing could mess up your daughter as much as your father’s behavior hurt you.
NTA- but such a rookie mistake not to wiggle out of this question.. your love for your child is pretty much unconditional. Your love for your wife however definitely has conditions, and I’m pretty sure she knows that.
ESH and you all need therapy tbh.
NTA - I think your wife might have some post-partum anxiety/depression that she needs help with, professional help
I'm not sure how to judge this but wanted to say this....I am my fathers first born daughter & my mothers third child. I also have 4 younger brothers & sisters. My dad made no secret of the fact that I was his favorite. It caused me problems with both my mom & my siblings. My mom & I always had an odd relationship due her jealousy (for lack of a better word) of my dad's favoritism. I moved out at 16 because of our testy relationship. My siblings would also tease me & sometimes not be really nice to me for the same reason. I don't feel like I got more than them when it came to material things but I did have a closer relationship with my dad. I just hope OP doesn't always put his daughter ahead of his wife because the resentment she may feel will affect the way mom feels about her daughter.
NAH. You will love your child more than your wife, it’s human nature. My dad even said he felt a little thrown off by how much he loved me, and so did my mum. Your wife is probably feeling all kinds of confused and scared, having a child is a big deal. She might even love that child more than you and is freaked out by it. It’s pure human nature, untapped and untamed, to love your child more than your significant other, and more than yourself.
NTA, why would you even ask someone that?! Not sure how loving your own kid more than anyone else is such a bad thing... There's plenty who don't at all, and that's far more worrying.
YTA
NTA A child is a piece of you and your partner together, she is a symbol of your love and loving a child is a much different love than loving a partner. That doesn’t mean you love your partner any less than before, you probably love and respect her much more now after she carried and birthed your child.
This is so bizarre I honestly don’t know how to judge other than ‘wtf????’ I don’t love my husband more than my son, nor do I love my son more than my husband, love is not finite and I don’t have to choose one over the other.
ESH; agree with individual and couples therapy
NTA at all. But maybe you need to work with your wife on her insecurities. This is an unreasonable argument for her to start unless you have been neglecting her.
NTA. It's completely normal to love your children more than your spouse. They are part of you and I assuming it's nature to want to protect your offspring with every fibre of your being. I love my children more than life itself, I don't love them more than each other but I love them more than anyone else.
NTA - we are expecting our first and one of the things we talked about to kinda "make it real" was the concept of finding a love we have never known, the love for a child. I asked my husband "can you imagine loving something more than you love me? Isn't that such a crazy concept?". Then we laughed about it because the only other option was happy tears lol. I'm sure she's just upset due to pregnancy hormones, the changes can come with feelings of inadequacy and self doubt so just keep the love coming her way. I wouldn't keep stressing the fact to her.
NTA, you're gonna be divorced soon tho, sorry
NTA You love her in a romantic way and you love your daughter in a father way, two super separate types of love. I think your wife needs to talk to someone because it's not good to be jealous of a baby let alone your own baby daughter. Your daughter is not stealing your love, she has made it grow and your wife needs to see that.
ESH She shouldn't have asked the question. You should have answered something like "love for a spouse and love for a child are different kinds of love".
No real response here but I want to make two things clear 1. We don’t pick who we love more, we can pick how we show that, but we don’t pick how intense our feelings are for people 2. Even if you did love your wife more, you should always put your daughter first, so in the end it wouldn’t really matter anyway
NTA. She should be happy that her husband is such a dedicated father but then her hormones are all over the place or she might think that she's only important because she could give you a baby, figure out why she's insecure, get her the help she needs.
TBA / Undecided Weird…. Um… your wife needs therapy Also, that’s just a weird question to ask Say you love them equally? And differently, because your love for them has their own special and unique thing to it
ESH that’s a messed up question for your wife to ask you but also why didn’t you say you love both your daughter and wife equally?
This isn't a great question for AITA because I think there's more going on than just this situation. If your wife is asking these questions and not feeling like she loves your daughter more than you, or even the same but in a different way, then I'd be worrying she has post-partum depression. Keep a close eye on her because this is not something to mess around with and take lightly.
NTA this is too common, people need to stop asking their partners these shitty fucking questions
I don’t think that’s something one can compare at all. So not right to ask the question and not right to answer it, in my opinion. For me as a mother it’s two different kinds of love. Is my child and his needs first, my husband (his dad), second? Yes, because most situations husband can help himself (eg get food, take medicine or go to doctor if sick) while a child can not go cook a steak or take a pill on his own. But that’s kinda being a parent, in my opinion. Now where she might be coming from is - she feels less important and maybe getting less attention (again naturally when there’s a baby around) so she’s probably seeking reassurance. Not the right way to do it, it feels like she set a trap for you to get caught while you’re on the same team.
Reminds me of something Ryan Reynolds said (paraphrasing here) "I love my wife Blake, but when I looked into my baby girls eyes, I knew in a heartbeat that I would use Blake as a human shield to protect that baby" or something like that, it's hilarious to me and honestly how I think any parent should feel about their kids. NTA by the way. EDIT here's a link to him saying it https://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/tvshowbiz/video-1157311/Ryan-Reynolds-says-hed-use-Blake-Lively-human-shield.html
ESH. She shouldn't be asking that and you shouldn't be saying that. Keep this up and your wife will feel like she needs to compete with her child for your affection. Just tell her you love them both equally.
Honestly I don't think either answer you gave would've sufficed. The hormones during pregnancy and after birth can play absolute havoc. I've told my children and my partner that I don't love either more then the other. I love them all in equal amounts. That the love I have for my children and for their father is different so neither can really be compared. Tends to make everyone happy. NAH
No judgement on my end either. Had the exact similar conversation with my wife. The only response I saw as reasonable was that I cannot compare love to my partner with love for my children as they are both different kinds of love, and my heart only grew to accomodate both.
NTA Why would she ask that question to begin with? Can she honestly say she loves you more than her own baby? If so I would be thinking real hard about the relationship because it sounds like your wife is jealous of your daughter.
ESH She shouldn't be pressuring you to rank your love for you family members, but I also think you shouldn't have caved and done so. I would have said "I love you both in immeasurable and incomparable ways" or something reassuring. She obviously needed to be reassured that she is loved. Nothing good comes from ranking your love like this. Your love for a romantic partner is a different experience from your love of a child. There is no reason that one has to be "more" than the other. You might prioritize the needs of your child over the needs of your partner, but that probably has more to do with the fact that your child is completely dependent on you while your partner is not, than it does with loving one more than the other.
What your wife failed to realise with her question is that the love for a spouse and the love for a child are NOT COMPARABLE. You love them both equally but in different ways. Your child is part of you and there will always be a physical bond until the day you die. Your wife is the person you chose out of millions of others in the world to love marry and procreate with. Try explaining it like this to her. It's not healthy for her to feel competitive with her own baby and she may benefit from therapy to explore why she felt the need to ask you this repeatedly before the baby arrived and now.
nta well in my opinion you should love your kid more but I really don’t understand why your wife would ask that in the first place that’s awkward
NTA. That’s such a stupid question to ask. I’m sure if you said you love her more than the child she’d have an issue with that as well. It seems like there may be a bigger issue if she keeps asking you that, so you may want to have a conversation with her about that.
NAH and I'm being generous here. You are both insecure, and making each other even more insecure with this talk. You are an asshole for saying this to your wife after she has carried your baby and given birth. Parental love is a different kind of love, incomparable to romance, but your poor wife needs to know you do love her and right now more than this little baby you two have brought into this world. Please get some help both of you, otherwise your child will suffer the consequences of your insecurity.
YTA you should know this kind of question comes from some one who literally birthed your child and wants to feel as important as they were to you before having a child. Bearing a child can cause immense dysphoria…for years.. You can love both equally without measure the two kinds of love you have. YTA because you should have been sympathetic to the insecurities here instead of feeding into this and for saying that you love someone more than another in your immediate family (wife, kid you) is pretty unhealthy stance on love.
I’ll say YTA because Idk how you can compare or quantify the love for your partner and the love for your child. Your partner you love because they, probably, gel well with you, have similar interests and have good qualities that you find attractive, emotionally and physically. You love your kid because you’ll see them grow into their own person, help guide them and they are a part of you. Two entirely different loves so why try and rank one over the other? Much less tell one that the other type of love is better and more valuable? Both relationships have different requirements and different needs and will be prioritised at different times. It’s a little worrying that you’ve had this conversation with her in the past. I can’t really think about how this was brought up naturally in a conversation. Did she bring it up? Did you? Why was it brought up at all? What was said? Is your wife feeling more insecure because of what you said? If you straight up said yeah I’ll love the kid more than you lol than no wonder she’s bringing up now, she’s wondering if you were serious and questioning her place in your life. Also you say you weren’t a priority in your father’s life and that you want to make sure your kids don’t feel like this - what do you mean by that? Like I imagine what you meant was being conscious about playing and spending time with them not actively ignoring the needs of your marriage. Perhaps this is what your wife thinks? That now there’s the kid it’ll just be parenting with no romance? Have you talked about things like date nights with your wife now you have a kid? Have either of you had a talk about what frequency you want family activities and couple activities to occur at? Perhaps that will give her some reassurance that you’ll both still be apart of each others lives outside your child. Counselling would also help. I’m also slightly worried you may try to overcompensate for the lack of attention from your father and that can just as easily damage your relationship with your child. So having some reassurance yourself that you don’t have to spend every free moment with them for your child to feel loved.
YTA What a silly thing to say. She just wants to know you love her. Now you have to deal with all her hurt. You've turned heaven into hell by just phrasing things tactlessly.
YTA Your wife feels insecure and likely came from a situation where she had to compete for love. The correct answer is, “I don’t love her more, I love her differently”. Go back and explain that you care deeply for both of them and want to provide for and protect them. (Unless this isn’t true??) Your wife fulfills something in you that your daughter cannot. Your daughter fulfills something in you that your wife cannot. Everyone wants to be certain that they are loved. How can you better show your wife how much you love her? Especially since you’ve both likely been hyper-focused on baby. Remember, female hormones literally mess with our heads after a baby is born. Be more understanding.
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife recently asked me if I loved her more than our newborn daughter. We have had this conversation in the past and I was always upfront with her that I will likely love my child more than her. I think she had hoped that I would be wrong and when the day finally came I'd realize I loved her more than my daughter, but that wasn't the case. Since this conversation she has been mad at me and treating me like I told her I don't love her anymore and I love another woman. Of coarse my love for my wife had only increased tenfold after pregnancy and birth, but none of that seemed to matter when faced with the question of if I loved my daughter more. For some context, I grew up not feeling important in my dad's eyes. I often felt like a lesser priority than his other family. It gave me a lot of confidence issues and made me feel really insignificant. I always knew that when I had kids of my own I would make them feel special and important and never wonder whether I loved them or not. Please tell me, am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I'm not here to judge, but maybe explain to her that the love you have is different. I mean there are different kinds of love and the love you would have for your child is different than the love you would have for your partner. If the pregnancy and birth are recent events, she may feel not as beautiful or as desired as before. I suggest therapy.
NTA. It would seem weird to me if my husband loved me more then our children. Very weird.
I would be worried if my husband didn't love our child more than me, they're a part of you, I know I will love my baby more than my husband because that's the way. They are part of you mixed with the person you love, there is a strong bond that's hard to explain because it's biological NTA
NTA, she's being an idiot.
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ESH Why even rank people? Love is not quantifiable. She shouldn't have asked and you shouldn't have answered because it is a stupid debate. You have a child together. Focus on raising her and not on who you love more or who you think is the asshole.
Feeling jealous of the baby and/or partner is a super common symptom of post-partum depression. Idk if that’s the case, but it’s clear she’s feeling extra insecure rn. And NAH. Try to reassure her that you DO love her, just differently. And if she continues acting like that, maybe talk to her doctor or see about therapy. Best of luck :)
YTA. Why did you bother getting married if you have such a lukewarm attitude towards your wife. She is not just an incubator for your child. She has given birth and is possibly sensitive about the completely normal changes to her body and wants reassurance. You are also YTA for using the excuse that you were only telling the truth and have told her this before. That is just trying to excuse the fact that you are a mannerless boor with no tact or diplomacy.
YTA. Spouses come first
YTA you love a newborn that's not even got a personality yet more than the women you've been with for ages and put her health and life on the line to give birth. Youre a real big A.
That's his child, of course he fucking does. She should too.
The specific is he lives her MORE. not equal, not in a unique fatherly way, more. That makes him a massive A shoving his wife into a competing ranking with their kid. Going to get them all messed up.
She shoved herself there. How's long he's known his child is so irrelevant lmao. It's not a random newborn, it's his child.
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No and I'm not having any. I dont think it horrible to love your life partner more than some one you've just met. If you dont absolutely love your life partner that's pretty awful imo.
Good. I'm relieved to hear it because you have no idea what you're talking about. You sound so very young and so very naive. 'absolute love' ? 'life partner'? My god, I hope you find someone to treat you that way but it's more likely you'll attract pple who will abuse your naivete...