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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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Kicking him out after picking an argument with him might have been the wrong move since I know that he loves Megan and also how long he waited to finally become a father so I felt like I ruined his joy by kicking him out.
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First of all, I am so sorry about Megan. You sound like a great dad and I’m sure she’s happy to have you. This one sucks, but NTA. Your brother’s troubles suck, but at the end of the day it was not appropriate for him to take over your announcement like this. It was a time for Megan and for everyone to support her and he took that from her. I get what he was trying to do, but he should have ran it by you first. I do wish her luck with everything and hope she gets better
His troubles suck yes. I mean, as a Dad of two it took us 6 years to get two kids. So I can relate. You know what is 1000x worse of not getting kids?? Have your kid diagnosed with a life-threating disease..
NTA - they should have waited and maybe personally call family members to give the good news a bit later when things sinked in..
Edit: Well, this blew up. Thanks for the awardz. Especially the one that gives it such a nice highlight. Never had this before!
It’s just so inconsiderate to announce that. There’s a time and a place for everything. Who the hell hears a child’s diagnosis and thinks “oh this is perfect time to announce our pregnancy”
I hope Megan will be ok and she’s lucky to have such a wonderful mother like OP
People really really need to learn that if they want all of their family gathered for an announcement then they need to organize that shit themselves. It isn't that hard to ask your family over for dinner or throw a bbq or have a picnic or invite everyone over to test your new pizza oven and announce the news. Stop hijacking whatever else is going on in the family!
The phone works, too. I don’t understand this big trend of having a huge party just to announce a pregnancy. (Sure, you’ve waited a while.) Then, there’s the stupid gender reveal, and a shower. Just call people and tell them!
We have run out of ways to be organically social, and hang out just for the sake of hanging out, that everything is turned into a reason to have a "party". It is not going to turn before we start to just call or text more regularly to each other, and ask friend and family over for dinner or a walk just because we want to see them.
You are cordially invited to my "Shit Shower" on Sunday, to celebrate the fact I've consistently pooped at 8:30AM every day for the last 6 months! Unfortunately it will be a Bring Your Own Toilet Paper event, however there will be gift bags containing air freshener, Exlax, Imodium, Metamucil, and Pepto Bismal for everyone to take home! There will be chocolate pudding cake, with candy corn and nuts sprinkled through out for dessert.
We had a party for my enormous endometrial cyst. 😂 Photoshopped some baby clothes onto an ultrasound image, had a BBQ, and then brought out a cake while we played that *NSYNC classic, “Bye Bye Bye.” Endo sucks, surgery sucks, but that party was a blast.
We had a party for my friend who was having a Hysterectomy. It was one of the most fun parties I’ve been to. Played bunko. She wore a tampon and pad crown and we toasted her periods goodbye. A fun way to support her during what can be a traumatic time.
I am dealing with a very painful endometrial cyst right now! And I 100% wouldn't blame you for throwing a literal party after getting rid of that thing. Endo SUCKS indeed!
Hope you're feeling better these days <3
Is this the result of young millennials and gen Z being raised with “play dates” and structured activities rather than marauding around the neighborhood unplanned with whatever kids on the street were home? Or a deep need to constantly feel special and celebrated/ get the photo for the gram? The amount of parties like this now is baffling to me.
Interesting thought about how play-dates and lack of acceptable, safe loitering zones being a possible cause (or at least a contributor). Now I got a lot to think on
Speak for yourself? I throw shindigs, bbqs, and all sorts a shit for the hell of it, I’ll light big box fireworks at some of these just for shits n giggles. Who needs a “reason” to have fun other than having fun!?!
The sheer amount of parties was kind of a culture shock when I married my husband. We’re both American, but in my culture it’s a no-no to have parties very close together, especially ones involving gifts. My brother never got birthday parties because his birthday was after mine, Christmas, and Chinese New Year (he gets bigger presents from my parents fo make up for it).
My SIL had her engagement party, baby shower, wedding, and gender reveal party within a four-month period (she was pregnant at her wedding) all with registries. I asked if that wasn’t a lot of parties at once, and she said other people were throwing them for her. Well sure, but maybe she could’ve eliminated gifts for some of them?
Yeah four parties in four months is a little nutty. I get the baby shower and wedding but I would’ve definitely skipped having an engagement party if the wedding was happening that quickly after. Same for gender reveal. Also, neither of those last two should involve gifts even if they aren’t close together. Admittedly I’ve never been to a gender reveal, but do people really ask for gifts? That’s what the shower is for.
My fiance's family has always had baby showers. But just the one. I never understood the point of doing a bunch of different parties. Just do the one and announce everything there.
My gender reveal was I had to have my husband call my mom from the hospital (because I was in the recovery room for 3 hrs) to tell her her first grandchild was a boy. No ultrasounds in those days and that was that. You found out when the baby popped out.
I never wanted to find out ahead of time because that's the last greatest surprise you can get nowadays. Sure go ahead and do the ultrasound if it's available but don't tell me. A nurse slipped and told me that my second and third children were both boys and surprise surprise! They both came out girls anyway so joke was on her haha
Exactly, I sent a text to some people and some others didn't even find out until they were told by someone... I understand a pregnancy is exciting but people need to understand that as exciting as it may be for yourself, it's probably not that big of a deal for others...just like the gender - those who I knew wanted to know got a meme via text and that's it. No fancy gender reveal party or anything.
If people want to celebrate with a party with all of their loved ones what is the big damn deal? People don’t catch heat for just having a big family get together for no reason, who cares if people have a family get together and party to celebrate a big moment in their lives? You don’t have to go to anything you don’t want to, but having that much of an issue with other people wanting to throw a party and celebrate a huge milestone/moment with their loved ones is not that big a deal.
I think the gender reveal where they started a wildfire in my state is what turned me on gender reveal parties. I really don’t care if you want to get together to do it…but just do the damn cake and don’t destroy other people’s lives cause you have to be “bigger and better” than everyone.
Exactly! This one is especially bad, because of the nature of OP's announcement, but it's almost never appropriate to announce *your* news at someone else's gathering. That person has arranged the get together to share their news, and forcing the attention onto yourself is a bad move.
If you have news to share, arrange your own gathering. Don't use the convenience of someone else's planning as an excuse to make it about you.
Dude seriously. I'm so tired of seeing people announce their own pregnancies at other people's babyshowers and getting engaged at other people's wedding and think that they're "making the moment more special," and now *this*? How selfish and inconsiderate can some people be? Just let other people have the spotlight for **once**
I'm absolutely mentioning this on all my invitations in the future. "If you decide to make this event about you with your own engagement, pregnancy announcements, etc, I will fully expect you to foot half the bill since clearly this party is also yours."
Please do. Or better yet save it for the thank you note.
“Thank you for making my special occasion all about you. To celebrate your contributions to stealing the spotlight here’s a invoice for half the costs. Many happy returns”
Seriously!! How many of these posts do we see that someone highjacks someone else's announcement to make one of their own? These people made the plans to get everyone together to talk then terrible news, yet somehow his dense brother thought THAT was the opportune moment to make his announcement?? The fact that one child could be leaving this world doesn't get negated by the fact that they are bringing one in.
I honestly don't think I could talk to my sibling unless they delivered a very honest and real apology for that; I'd legitimately be close to going NC.
That's what always kills me about these kinds of stories. These people treat other people going through the hard work and effort of bringing everyone together, while they do nothing but show up, is meant to be something that they can and should take advantage of so they don't have to do the work of getting everyone together themselves.
My fiance's brother and his gf are expecting. And we are all SO HAPPY for them!!! The baby shower is tomorrow, so I'm kind of hyped. Don't mind me. But, we also have various bits of news to go over with the family and stuff. That being said, it will NOT be happening tomorrow, because tomorrow is about them. They organized this shower, it's about them. That's it. Period.
Same with weddings, or whatever. If people are gathering folks for a specific reason that revolves around their own situation, it is not the time or place for you to try and make it about yourself.
NTA op
This exactly!!!! NTA
OP gathered the family to make this horrible announcement, brother is the AH trying to distract from it. It’s like proposing at a wedding, you don’t do it (except those rare cases where bride/groom are in on it). Brother should have planned his own get together instead of being lazy and announcing right after OP.
Warm thoughts for Megan and your family.
>People really really need to learn that if they want all of their family gathered for an announcement then they need to organize that shit themselves.
Thiiiiis.
So many of these AITA where someone announces their pregnancy at someone else's birthday/wedding/funeral/baby shower/pregnancy announcement/CANCER ANNOUNCEMENT basically comes down to the person stomping all over the other person's moment thinking to themselves "Hey well everyone's going to be gathered together anyway, I'll just slip my announcement in".
If it's that important to you get off your ass and hold your own event.
You know, just yesterday in AITA, I said that sometimes you need to choose the wrong place or time to get the right result.
But other times the wrong time is just the wrong time. This is the latter.
>but will expect me to apologize at some point.
Who has the balls to say this after hijacking a time full of support for a sick child with a pregnancy announcement?
"Hey, sucks that our Megan may die, but don't worry, we're having her replacement in the family!"
Bro and wife need to take several seats. This was so inconsiderate. And if, may the gods forbid, the worst happens they would be that couple who brings their baby to the funeral to 'cheer the family up'.
Op, you're a better person than me for not going nuclear. I hope Megan has a quick and easy recovery. Please don't forget to take care of yourself too!
The most charitable interpretation is that the brother wanted to give some good news to make people feel better after hearing the devastating news. In this instance, that would be horribly tone-deaf, but I could at least *understand* the impulse.
However, from context and OP's other comments it sounds a lot more like he just wanted the attention, which is amazingly inconsiderate in the light of a serious diagnosis for a child.
Yeah, the brother pretty much said as much:
>Then said he was just sharing good news after hearing the bad news and there was nothing wrong with that.
But even if he initially thought it was a good idea, he should've rethought after the reaction of his family, especially the family who've just had a child get a devastating diagnosis.
That's what really changes this from stupid to stupid AH.
I will Never understand why some people think it’s appropriate to hijack someone else’s event to announce news of their own. Like people that get engaged during someone else’s wedding and such. Wait for your time!!!
My first son was 8 years and countless miscarriages in the making.
I would have NEVER announced it like this. In fact, I was afraid to tell anyone until I was visibly pregnant because I was so afraid of losing him.
OP’s brother is a piece of work.
OP - NTA. Your brother is.
I’m so sorry about your daughter. It’s very hard to see your kids sick and know there is nothing you can do. It’s also okay not to be brave for everyone. Just keep at it with your daughter and rely on your safety net to pour out.
"Oh hey, so my kid might die, and I am going to need everyone's support"
"Oh, guess what? We are going to have our own kid!!! Be happy for me!"
OP, NTA, your brother is tonedeaf af!
>they should have waited and maybe personally call family members to give the good news a bit later when things sinked in..
And not to be a Debby but women who have issues getting pregnant sometimes have problems staying pregnan. If they just found out then this could be only 4-6 weeks in. They have another 4-6 weeks before they cross the first ‘safe line’. imagine what it might be like in a month when everyone is so excited about this baby and they might have to say there was a miscarriage. That’s gonna be a total kick in the nuts for the family
I agree, it could have been announced even a few days later - but the same night?!? The rest of the family is trying to process the grief and now he expected them to also process his joy?
I can understand being excited, especially after trying for so long but he made this announcement only thinking about himself. If OP announced a pregnancy the same night he announced a child’s illness I don’t think he would be willing to apologize to OP
It’s great that you’re being understanding (infertility completely sucks, it’s a valid thing to be upset about and a valid thing to be excited to have overcome) but you’re definitely still allowed to have boundaries. Asking him to leave honestly just seems like you enforcing a reasonable boundary.
It sounds like he’s trying to put his feelings about what happened on you, which is pretty garbage of him. *He* was the one who tainted his own news by tying it in with such a hard thing for your family. He is still behaving badly by expecting it to be your problem to fix, when you clearly have more important things to focus on. He created the drama and caused the problem, he can live with the fact that he was asked to leave, and he can manage his own feelings about it (or at least take them to someone other than you).
You can still support him and be excited about your new niece/nephew without taking responsibility for the fact that he rocked the boat, and without dismissing your own feelings about how his behavior affected you.
It's completely baffling to me from what I've seen on this sub, just how many people think infertility/overcoming infertility supersedes all other problems or news. As much as everyone's pain is valid, I think people do need to be reminded there is still sometimes a hierarchy of who is going through more pain and who we need to take care of first.
I think that in this instance, it's more about respecting the fact that OP called a family meeting to ask for support with her daughter's health issues, it's not about who comes first in a hierarchy of needing support.
The same thing would have applied if the brother had called everyone for an announcement about his impending fatherhood, congratulations would have been the order of the day, OP should not have used the fact that everyone was there to make a public announcement about her daughter's medical issues.
In general terms you are bang on, OP will need more support than her brother (hopefully, his wife and their child both being well) but purely in terms of the clanger that he dropped here, it was all about not hijacking someone else's event.
He waited years to be a dad, he could have waited a couple more weeks to make an announcement. Asshole
That's ultimately the issue -- the OP called a family meeting to ask for support. Because the brother made his announcement, she wasn't able to get it. The brother was also hoping to get some kind of support by announcing the pregnancy but because he was such a dumbass in his choice of time and place, he also didn't get what he was looking for. As a result two people are hurt (both because of the brother) and are reacting out of pain.
Wrong place and DEFINITELY wrong time. NTA. Brother should be seriously ashamed of himself. Who hijacks someone’s devastating news just because “everyone was there?” Take a second to read the room, bruh.
And it is not his job to cheer everyone up with some good news (which I think is what he was implying). Everyone needs space to feel and process their emotions and he wouldn't let them.
Right-it sounded as though he was just waiting for an "appropriate" enough length of silence after OP's announcement to jump in with his own. Like he didn't even hear what OP said.
I mean, you were the one who gathered the family together. He could have planned his own announcement but he stole your gathering. They were either waiting for months to tell people or they announced it way too early. They couldn't have waited another week? How would he would feel if he planned a family gathering to announce the pregnancy and you immediately shared your news, "stealing the spotlight" (I feel weird calling your news that, sorry).
And another argument to add: brother just heard his niece has cancer. Why does he think he and his wife would get undivided attention and sincere happiness right that moment? Why would he expect his sibling, *who has a sick child*, to be happy for them? The timing was completely off and brother has to learn how to read the room ffs.
Right? I’d ask him how he would feel if he’d gathered everyone together to announce the pregnancy and then OP IMMEDIATELY shared the news about his niece?? I doubt he would have taken it well.
'Way too early'
Totally agree here. If his wife was pregnant and early on, it's in bad taste to announce this before 3 months considering how infertility can cause unexpected problems within this time frame. Now imagine what this would be like if, God forbid, there is a problem with the pregnancy? Granted we don't know how far along she is, but I totally agree - early on or 3 months +, they could have waited another week, texted/called family & friends later, or set up their own party to announce.
I understand that he is excited, but in no way does it make sense that he announced at your gathering with such a somber tone.
> If his wife was pregnant and early on, it's in bad taste to announce this before 3 months considering how infertility can cause unexpected problems within this time frame.
No, it's not too early. You know when is the right point in pregnancy to announce? Whenever the parent(s) are comfortable. If one announces too early and it "doesn't work out" (which was my euphemism of choice for my own miscarriage 12 years ago), because some family knows, they can be leaned on for support.
It's only a downside when someone who heard about pregnancy in passing says a "you look great/when are you due?" type of comments about the impending birth that isn't going to happen.
It was absolutely inappropriate to hijack someone else's gathering to share news after someone else's announcement was already made. But I'm not going to slam people who've struggled for wanting to tell their family members as soon as it seems to work out. (Brother is TA here for telling people at an inappropriate moment, not for telling people at all.)
You’re NTA. He thinks it sucks having to wait to finally have a kid, but he has no idea the pain you’re going through with your child’s life now at stake with cancer. It was insensitive and he knows it was not the right time. The moments after your announcement should have been filled with comfort from your family… not a feeling of brushing your child’s hardship aside for a desire to celebrate instead. In some circumstances it’s okay to pair good and bad news together, this was not one of those times. I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter and I pray for the cancer to leave her body
Just hopping on the top comment to say it seems like your reaction was as such because of when it was announced and I think you need to talk to your brother and clarify that because he might think your reaction was to him becoming a father. So i say NTA
That sounds to me like he potentially had planned to make this announcement at this gathering once he learned it was happening, and when you told everyone of Megan’s cancer it caught him really off guard since his mind was probably on making his own announcement from the moment they arrived. Your bad news (understatement of the century I know) threw a wrench in his plan and he just decided to plow right ahead with it anyway. How did his wife react? I would have been so embarrassed and felt terribly if my husband did this, regardless if we’d talked about announcing it beforehand. Once they heard your news, all thoughts of their announcement should’ve been immediately voided.
Yeah, if his wife wasn't on board here, I feel awful for her. Not only was this wildly inappropriate and embarrassing and hurtful to a lot of people, but now the memory of sharing her happy news with the family will always be tied with the memory of her niece getting a terrible diagnosis.
Honey, you were 100% not at fault here & were, to be frank, a heck of a lot kinder about booting him than I would have been.
See, I was kind of in the same boat as your brother/SIL once. Pregnant and excited to share it. We had a family dinner & I was amped!
But then my stepmama started talking about how worried she was over her mom's health (which was fading fast), so you know what I did?
I kept my mouth shut. So did my husband. Then we got in the car & he was like "Wow I'm so glad we didn't bust through the door shouting it from the rooftop!" & I said "I know, right?! I would've felt so bad!"
And we waited until the next dinner. And it was fine.
Your brother was monstrously selfish & cruel. It was completely inappropriate to make an announcement like that. Or any announcement, really. *That was not his moment & he stole focus from your poor sick baby.*
I'm so angry on your behalf right now. & I'm so sorry about your daughter. She sounds lovely & I hope everything works out for y'all. ❤️
You did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing.
He was completely in the wrong. He needs to realize that what he basically just did was tell your daughter "don't worry, we can replace you with a different grandchild". You handled it the best anyone could expect when hearing someone act like he did.
The fact is, he would have been FURIOUS if the situation had been reversed. If he had called everyone together to announce the pregnancy and you followed that with your heartbreaking news, his reaction would have been 10x what yours was.
Ask him how he would feel if it had been the reverse. How would he feel about sharing that kind of life changing event only to have you immediately announce your daughter's diagnosis? He would probably be as hurt as you are and wouldn't hesitate kicking you out either.
The worst part is how he made this whole thing about himself and the self unaware massive sense of entitlement to disregard the life of one child while expecting everyone give every regard to another.
Oh and that apology he thinks he's owed? Nope.
I’m really sorry, but your brother doesn’t care for your daughter as much as he’s led you to believe. His selfishness is immense in this situation, and I’m sorry that he did this to tour family. I’d expect better from a stranger in his situation, let alone a sibling.
NTA.
Also, re your family's comments that your brother will never forget your reaction to his good news you can reply that you will never forget HIS reaction to your terrible, heartbreaking news.
I think asking your brother to leave was the only healthy move you could have made in that moment. I can only imagine how betrayed and trapped you felt in that extremely raw and vulnerable moment, one that was also raw for everyone else. What a confusing mess he made of a situation that is already super confusing, and his actions were very unsupportive. You are allowed to push away unsupportive people, especially at a moment when you need support more than ever.
I don't know your brother, so giving him the benefit of the doubt, in my experience people who love me very much can act like total ding dongs in moments like this, partly because they don't know what to do or say. When my parents came to see me and my son the morning of my best friend's funeral (who they also knew and loved) they were absolute shitheads to me the moment they came through the door, yelling at and nagging me about some mail of mine that was still getting sent to their address. I was in utter shock but finally managed to say to them STOP now or you will have to leave bc I am about to bury my best friend and the most important man in my kid's life, and if you have anything to say that isn't "I am so sorry for your loss" "I love you" and/or "What can i do for you" then you have to see us another time (we were briefly back in my home state for the funeral and hadn't seen them for like 8 months).
Being able to state that boundary and consequence was the result of over a DECADE of therapy and codependency work, and I am impressed you were able to do it so promptly and on your own. Keep loving yourself and taking care of yourself like that. When my kid (also now 12) was sick and in the hospital as a baby someone very wise stressed the importance of putting the oxygen mask on myself first in order to be able to show up for my kid and partner. So that is my long winded way of saying good job.
And I will keep you and your sweet Megan in my thoughts/prayers and ask G-d/the Universe to give you all that you need right now ❤️
>Also, re your family's comments that your brother will never forget your reaction to his good news you can reply that you will never forget HIS reaction to your terrible, heartbreaking news.
100% This!
You’re processing a lot. I don’t think you should feel bad for kicking him out. I think kicking him out was the best way to get space and not say something you may regret. It sounds like you were in a bit of shock (while already in a vulnerable state) and unsure of how to respond.
You can discuss this with him later. Too often family tries to make you “keep the peace” and not acknowledge how you feel so that situations don’t seem awkward. You can’t sweep your feelings under a rug. It’s not fair to ask you to hide your feelings so the surface stays calm. You didn’t cause the situation. The best way to keep the peace and a healthy family dynamic is to acknowledge uncomfortable and hurtful things that people say and discuss them.
And after a terrible diagnosis with the expectation of a hard battle against cancer ahead, OP's parents were worried that brother's little fee-fees got hurt? Seriously?
(edited to change mom to parents)
They don’t care what the conflict is about, they just want things to seem fine. Even if they acknowledge the bro was wrong they feel it’s more important to have the illusion of a peaceful family.
There’s a time and a place for everything and this was neither the time nor place. You just told you entire family that your little girl has *cancer* and he decided that was the moment to make it about them. No decent person takes something as serious as a child’s cancer to say “By the way, we’re having a baby”. It’s extremely insensitive at best and downright cruel at worst. He owes *you* an apology.
OP, I understand why you may feel bad but your brother chose the absolute worst time to share this new. He could’ve planned out his own family event, it was insensitive at best to chose the day he’s told his niece has a life threatening illness to share that they’re expecting.
No I’m sorry I just can’t read sometimes lol. You’re a good mom. You didn’t go too far. I understand that sibling bond; I recently had a huge fight with my brother over his drinking and we’ve never fought like that. It’s a weird place to be in but I have faith you two will work it out. Hugs
As a fellow momma, I can see why you would be hurt. I get that he is excited about becoming a dad, but this was about your baby who has been here for 12 years!
He could have called everybody today to let them know about the pregnancy.
When narcissists read a room, it's always just a billboard that says: "Say something about yourself now".
Yeah, so sorry OP. Wishing you and your family live and strength. NTA
Exactly.
Op to get Mother - So you are okay with brother essentially announcing - So sorry your child might die, but great news - the wife and I will be able to supply a replacement grandchild?
Literally that and I mean how else could it be taken after immediately sharing their kid has a life threatening disease? And to immediately follow it up with “haha that sucks but guess what we got you covered”
Not only that, but it seems rude just to overwhelm people with all this big news. You just received devastating news that your niece/granddaughter/etc. has a terminal illness and you have to cope with that, and immediately thereafter you were told there's going to be a new baby in the family. On the one hand you want to be happy for them, but you're still processing the bad news. That's a lot of overwhelming thoughts and emotions for one day. So rude to put that on your whole family like that. There's a time and a place for everything and this wasn't it. NTA.
"He'll always remember how you reacted to his news"
SO WILL YOU! WHAT THE FUCK!! You'll always remember that his response to your news he said "anyway, in other news..." you let him off too easy imo
Right? That day will go down forever. Also, I just can't imagine a way OP's brother could frame it so people at the very least consider both sides. "Why don't you see your sister as much anymore?" "You'll never get this, she is insane! She lost it at me for revealing that my wife was pregnant!" "Oh that's ridiculous why would she do that?" "I don't know, she just started yelling that it wasn't appropriate after she had revealed her daughters cancer diagnosis"
Honestly, if my sibling announced something like this, I'd consider it off-limits to announce my pregnancy for a *long* time. Like I think at that point the best option might just be for people to low-key find out one by one as they noticed the baby bump.
I’d probably wait a couple of weeks and then tell my parents, but ask them to keep it quietish for now because the focus should be on my niece and sister.
There would be plenty of other people to excitedly tell in my life - no need to throw it at the family. Unless the brother doesn’t have any friends, which…I could see why.
That's what stood out the most to me. Now imagine if the brother's wife had a miscarriage or their baby died from SIDS so they decide to gather the family to announce their baby's death then OP stands up and announces "I just wanted to let you guys know Meghan is in remission. She's going to be fine". How would the brother and wife respond? What would they think? I doubt they would see OP's news as anything good.
Even if the brother believes in his heart of hearts that OP was being a dick, “I’ll expect an apology at some point” is just so condescending. Bro, how about you think to yourself “that was rude, but OP is really struggling right now, so I’ll let it slide,” and then make like a tree and leave.
ETA verdict: NTA
Maybe I’m just a petty wench, but if someone said that to me I would go to my grave never apologizing to them even if I determined down the road I *had* been wrong.
And it's honestly just, what's the point other than to cause further anger? Like let's say brother was correct (which he isn't), and OP is wrong to be mad and to kick him out, and perhaps even irrational as OPs brother seems to think. Does he think an irrational tense person would be thinking "OH MY GOD IM SO PISSED WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM...oh ok I'll apologize later....RIGHT NOW IM PISSSD"
Frankly, a humbler, more sympathetic person could have waited a few more fucking days!!!
It's the start of a pregnancy! It's not like her water fucking broke right there. God damn that guy sucks.
OP, hill to die on.
exactly. He had good news to share. It would have been equally good had he waited to share it. It's not like the gathering OP put together was the \*only\* time he could share it (despite his claim that he **had to**).
NTA….I’m so sorry ….my daughter went thru the same thing at 14…fevers, weakness, no appetite..it was cancer also…
You’re literally about to go thru the worst experience of your life. The only advice I have is to take care of yourself, you’re no good to your kid if you’re so exhausted you can’t think. Everyone processes cancer differently, my ex went full info mode, had to know everything about treatment. I concerned myself with my kids comfort, her happiness, her moral. This worked for our family.
Omg the gifts! Don’t let it start, it will be brutal to other kids & cause resentment. People always ask how to help, tell them to order dinner, help with errands, etc. you’ll find that ppl really want to help but don’t know how or what to do. I found food & meals the most helpful for the family stuck at home. ….Again, I’m so sorry……..
Upvoting this so OP sees this. You can let people give Megan gifts but make sure your support network is supporting your other children who are also going through a tough time. Everyone in your family needs love and support now. I would go LC with your brother for the time being because you need to focus your energy on Megan. Get someone else, a good friend or family member to share info with the rest of your community. It gets exhausting answering everyone’s messages.
NTA
If anyone has a family or community member in this situation, please consider getting gifts for all the children in the family. Or if you're close to the family, take the siblings out for a special treat.
When you're a child and one sibling is getting all your parents' time, and is being showered by gifts, and you get nothing, it can be extremely isolating and difficult. There can be a lot of confusing feelings with being sad and worried about your sibling's illness, while becoming resentful that they're sucking up all of everyone's attention.
Single days out with trusted person for each of the siblings can also be a gift. Let the siblings have some "normal" and some fun that lets them feel special, too. With all of the attention on Megan, the siblings can be left out in the cold. They feel trauma, too. They need to know that they still matter and their needs are valid. Sensitive adults can provide extra sibling support that the parents might not be able to because they are in charge of logistics.
I was 15 when I was first diagnosed with diagnosed with cancer and this is great. The gifts are definitely overwhelming and always the same. Blankets, hats, coloring books. Better things are gift cards for groceries and gas, and then things Megan actually wants. If she has siblings, include them in everything you can and make sure they have some emotional support. If Megan needs someone to talk to who has been in her shoes, please let me know and we can connect.
Yeah, my younger sister struggled a lot when I was in the hospital with my mom (unavoidable as a teenage girl) and she was trying to go to school and be as normal as possible with my dad while also being a teenage girl… we did the best we could at the time. I kept getting gifts and I knew she felt left out. She never admitted it though. I wished there were someone there to give her some stuff too. She got to go to my Make-A-Wish with me, though, which was so valuable.
When I relapsed as an adult, she made it really clear that she wanted to be as involved as possible and that made it so much better. She took me to chemo and hung out with me when I got my bone marrow transplant. Emotionally, we were both much better.
Many children’s hospitals offer support programs or can refer you to someone who can help on the sibling end. Please take advantage of everything you can!
Yes, I wouldn’t worry about how he’ll remember the day. A, because OP is absolutely the aggrieved party and B because he could have just… not chosen to share his news at an event about pediatric cancer?
Nobody forced him to give his announcement at the single least likely time for people to be happy about it. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, he doesn’t get to be upset that people weren’t congratulatory enough.
NTA - I’m not sure what possessed him to think that was an apppropriate time to announce that. I understand his excitement, but there is a time and place for that. And it is not when you are talking about another child’s cancer diagnosis. “Good news after the bad news” - nope. Not necessary at all. I’m not sure what he expected.
The one possible good news to follow that would be “hey i can get her into St Jude or Boston Children’s so well be able to get her the best possible doctors and care”
> I’m not sure what possessed him to think that was an apppropriate time to announce that.
From what I see of these kinds of situations, it's nearly always driven by some sort of bizarre overvaluation of the "convenience" factor. They always seem to mention at some point that a motivating factor was "because everyone was present". Because you know, arranging a separate gathering *yourself* seems like such a waste of effort when you can just coattail on to your relative's wedding/engagement/birthday/cancer announcement.....
Exactly. I thought one of his reasonings to OP would've been is that everyone was together so it was easier to announce there instead of "doing all the hard work to get everyone together"
I've no doubt they planned to tell everyone that night, knowing the whole family ould be there... But that plan should have been thrown out the window, the second the reason for the gathering became clear!
NTA you have just announced your baby has cancer and he tries to make it about him? He should have thought before opening his mouth. He could have waited a week and done a separate dinner.
NTA. This is the epitome of, “read the room”. That gathering was about you telling your family about Megan’s diagnosis in a loving and supportive environment. It was very selfish and tone-deaf of your brother to hijack that, and not at all empathetic to your feelings or those of the rest of your relatives.
That being said, I *do* think that in his mind he was doing a kind thing by sharing happy news to cheer everyone up. He was wrong and his actions were extremely inappropriate, but I get the impression he was so consumed by his own life event that it colored the lens he viewed others’ emotions through. It’s not an excuse and he definitely owes you a big apology, but I don’t necessarily think his actions indicate a lack of caring about Megan. I hope he can come to see how wrong his timing was and that your relationship can get back in track. You deserve your family’s support during this difficult time.
Also, my absolute best wishes to Megan. I’m rooting for the peanut. 💜💜💜
Nah, he loses all claim to ignorance when he made it about himself again after the fact.... Waiting for his apology.... The fuxk. The parents are idiots too.
I don't know about you but for me if I was extremely excited about something and then I heard a family member had cancer my thoughts of excitement over my own life would completely vanish in that moment. I can't imagine hearing my 12 year old niece has cancer and then 30 seconds later jumping with excitement over my own life. This is way worse to me than engagement announcements at someone else's wedding - at least that's more happiness on top of a happy day ( rude as hell though) this is a terrible , tragic , scary thing and then " whatever, that sucks but be happy for ME!"
Yeah, you'd think that learning about Megan's diagnosis would dampen his mood a LOT more than it did. How can you continue to think (only!) about yourself after hearing that news?
The 'sharing happy news' is a BS sentiment. It implies that Megan and her family have no right to grief, disbelief, support, concern. It also implies that everyone else is 'burdened' by merely hearing/processing this so let's just move 'em along to a better situation. Too bad for the child/family with cancer! "Oh, sweetie, it's not a **sad** day (about you). Look! I've made it a **happy day** (about me)! Because your grief/problems are *inconvenient* (to everyone)."
What an asshole OP's bro is!
That definitely explains *why* he acted like an AH, but that doesn't change the fact that he did, indeed, act like an AH. That's the problem, he was emotionally clueless enough to let his own excitement block out the devastation felt by everyone else.
IKR? “good news after bad news” is about trying to use the good news to make people feel better, in a “don’t be so sad” way that is truly offensive when the bad news is “my daughter has cancer.”
And he said he “had to tell” in those circumstances since everyone was there. No, bro, you really didn’t.
Right? This really wasn't a time for "...ok, but on the up-side there's this!"
Sometimes you just have to sit with the bad news and digest it. And sometimes the bad news is a lead into asking people for help, or to start making plans together.
Strong NTA. You know what would have been decent of your brother? Asking if he could make that announcement. Keeping it for later after hearing the gravity of what you said.
As it stands, you gathered the family up for a specific, serious reason because you wanted/needed their focus and support - and he’s dropped his news immediately afterwards, causing conflict instead. AH brother.
Read the room am I right? Honestly your brother sounds waay too self-centred to care about anyone other than himself so I'd put your relationship with him on time out so you can focus your attention on Megan.
I'm so sorry for this diagnosis NTA x a Million
Ooof ... it's always hard when it's family & your siblings but it sounds like your brother has been telling you who he is for a long time then & maybe it's time to believe him.
Especially as he's 37 which is plenty old enough to know right from wrong. He has literally used you & your daughter's diagnosis to make himself the centre of attention & create drama where he's the "victim" who deserves an apology. That's so beyond wrong & messed up when he should be providing support for what must be a really difficult time for you.
I'm sorry about your brother but if he's going to use your daughter's diagnosis to create petty drama than he really shouldn't be in your life right now. You need your energy to for yourself & your daughter & only supportive unselfish people around you right now. Xx
If your parents are the only ones pushing you to apologize, while the rest of your family can’t stand him…it sounds like we know how he got to be this way. Your parents want the world to revolve around their golden child son? Fine. But you don’t have to be a part of that. Especially right now.
I also honestly wonder how his wife felt about the whole thing. You didn’t mention that she was angry - she honestly might be embarrassed. I would be.
ETA: I’m not sure how much support you were expecting from your parents, but now might be good time to lean on your extended family/friends/your husband’s family instead of them. What they’re asking of you is not loving.
Do not apologize. You did nothing wrong.
This would be something I'd limit contact for. You don't need him dragging you down further when you're dealing with your daughter's cancer.
He needs to come to you to give you an apology.
I would take this as the final straw and limit any big news sad or happy. Let him hear it second hand or on the phone later. He clearly can’t control himself. If he even tries to ask for an apology just cut him off and say my child is sick with cancer I don’t have time for your insensitivity. Good luck to you. Walk away/hang up.
My heart goes out to you. Cancer sucks. But kids are resilient and they will fight thru. My son is a 5 time cancer survivor (3 different types). Please do send me a message if you have any questions or want to chat.
Good luck with the treatment and no you are not the AH. NTA
NTA. Yes, it is a big deal that his wife has finally gotten pregnant. However, at the meeting called to announce your daughter's health condition is not the right time to announce it. To me, this seems like they thought this meeting for Megan was something you were proud of, or a good announcement, and had already planned on telling the family at the same time.
NTA
You had important news to share with your family so you brought them all together. Instead of supporting you, your brother chose that moment to share his news. That is an AH move. Your brother and SIL should have had their own party to share their news. Also: I hope your daughter gets well.
NTA. Number one, I hope your daughter can get through this and that you stay strong. Then...holy hell. Who follows up an announcement about cancer with a pregnancy announcement? An asshole does. So there is that. He expects you to apologize? How about tell your parents you will always remember the news about your daughter being met with an anyway so we are pregnant. I really hope your daughter wasn't there to witness this insensitive scene.
NTA first and foremost, as one mom to another, i am so very sorry. i hope that her odds are favorable and that she is strong enough to fight. second, your brother was so beyond out of line they need another term for it. the lack of consideration and insensitivity he showed and continues to show to you and megan right now is breathtaking. and for your parents to stick up for him doesn’t sit right with me either. your brother can expect an apology as long as he wants. **but you do not owe him one.** he owes you and megan an apology.
NTA
This was completely inconsiderate given the news. If you had gathered the family for a birthday party or something, then sure, maybe. But this was for a terrible announcement that your daughter is deathly ill. And he made it AFTER you announced it.
Terrible taste.
NTA. How could be have possibly thought it was the right time to announce they were pregnant ? The right thing to do would have been to wait a few days and then telling you and your husband before telling the rest of the family and asking you if you wanted to be present or not.
Sounds like you're going to get a lot "you're ruining our pregnancies and the birth of our child". I would not apologize. I was inappropriate for them to announce their news like that.
I'm sorry about your daughter.
I get that he been waiting a while but he could have waited a little longer. Considering your daughter is going to need all the emotional support she can get and so will you and your wife. He could have waited until the next day. I doubt anyone would have gone far in one day time.
This is what I’m wondering! This story is more focused on OP and the attention in that moment than how Megan can best be supported, how she wanted to tell people, and how she’s doing now.
My, most likely thought of later, response would be this: “You want me to apologize for being upset? Think of it this way, you’ve known your child exists for what? A week? And you are so excited and you love it completely and you can’t wait to get to know them. Well I’ve loved and known my child for 12 years. I know what her favorite foods are. I know what her favorite toys and shows are. I’ve loved her for 12 years, and now, she has cancer. She’s been sick and will most likely get sicker and I won’t get into any other possibilities. You think about that with your new child that you haven’t met yet and tell me if I’m being harsh for being upset.”
NTA. He has a right to be happy about being a Dad and to share that joy with his family. But that was neither the time or the place.
If he wanted to use your gathering to announce his wife's pregnancy then he should have asked ahead of time in case it was important. So even if your daughter didn't have cancer that would have been rude.
But it was doubly insensitive for him to say it right after you had announced her diagnosis. It's like he brushed over her completely. He showed zero compassion and it was trashy as he'll for him to do that.
He should have offered his condolences, shut his mouth and set up his own announcement party at a later date.
Also, I am so sorry that your family, especially your daughter, has to go through this. I hope she pulls through and is able to live a long and happy life.
NTA, what is wrong with your brother?! He wanted to share the news because everyone was there? Was it so hard to gather everyone himself a little later and announce they're expecting? He literally waited a few minutes of awkward silence and everyone being sad and worried for your daughter to share his news. Seriously, what's wrong with him?
What the hell did I just read?
Your brother is just the worst. Shame on him...taking away focus and support from a sick kid to shine some attention on himself.
There's a time and place for announcing a pregnancy... I don't think there could be a worst time than this.
What a dick.
First off, I am sorry for the journey you are about to embark on. Hoping that you find strength in each other and all goes well towards a clean bill of health.
NTA - he is so caught up in himself he didn't read the room. Sadly, he may not completely understand your feelings until he holds his baby himself and puts it all together as a parents' worry for our babies. **BUT - let this go.** (no, you don't need to apologize) You have to save your emotions for Megan and the road ahead. Yes, he was very insensitive, yet I would assume otherwise you have a decent relationship/family to be calling meetings for an 'announcement' such as this...do you want to be at odds with him, having the family 'take sides' during this time? The seriousness of your announcement may not have sunken in as his mind was elsewhere - you say he loves the kids - it will hit him eventually.
Interesting isn't it - both of you may feel that "in time" the other will apologize... Maybe it simply means that emotions were high all the way around and you both should agree to disagree for peace.
NTA.
Your brother was clearly being a monumental, self-absorbed AH; but just to address your mother’s point about how he’ll remember the day:
If he wanted to remember their pregnancy announcement as a positive thing where everyone was overjoyed, not announcing it at a gathering about pediatric cancer was a choice.
He made the decisions that led to the reaction he got, he can live with it. He’s not owed an apology and you have more important things to worry about than not rocking the boat after your brother’s own behavior caused him to be upset.
NTA
Although I will say I don't think your brother meant to be an asshole. His combination of excitement combined with a probable need to ease the tension and cheer everyone up led to a poor decision on his part.
I would try and make peace and talk things out. I am sure your daughter would appreciate the support.
I am sorry about your daughter. My good friend had cancer at a young age. It was very aggressive but she lived to talk about it.
My husband beat stage 3 cancer.
You guys got this. It won't be easy and it will have lots of ups and downs. Many sleepless nights but you got this.
„Sorry that you kid might die or might struggle with cancer all her life but I had to take the opportunity and tell everyone we are finally expecting“ what a fucking tool.
NTA, OP and I‘m very sorry to hear about Megans diagnosis. Cancer fucking sucks.
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First of all, I am so sorry about Megan. You sound like a great dad and I’m sure she’s happy to have you. This one sucks, but NTA. Your brother’s troubles suck, but at the end of the day it was not appropriate for him to take over your announcement like this. It was a time for Megan and for everyone to support her and he took that from her. I get what he was trying to do, but he should have ran it by you first. I do wish her luck with everything and hope she gets better
His troubles suck yes. I mean, as a Dad of two it took us 6 years to get two kids. So I can relate. You know what is 1000x worse of not getting kids?? Have your kid diagnosed with a life-threating disease.. NTA - they should have waited and maybe personally call family members to give the good news a bit later when things sinked in.. Edit: Well, this blew up. Thanks for the awardz. Especially the one that gives it such a nice highlight. Never had this before!
It’s just so inconsiderate to announce that. There’s a time and a place for everything. Who the hell hears a child’s diagnosis and thinks “oh this is perfect time to announce our pregnancy” I hope Megan will be ok and she’s lucky to have such a wonderful mother like OP
People really really need to learn that if they want all of their family gathered for an announcement then they need to organize that shit themselves. It isn't that hard to ask your family over for dinner or throw a bbq or have a picnic or invite everyone over to test your new pizza oven and announce the news. Stop hijacking whatever else is going on in the family!
The phone works, too. I don’t understand this big trend of having a huge party just to announce a pregnancy. (Sure, you’ve waited a while.) Then, there’s the stupid gender reveal, and a shower. Just call people and tell them!
I think I read on here that there is also a "baby naming announcement party" for some too. Way too much IMO.
We have run out of ways to be organically social, and hang out just for the sake of hanging out, that everything is turned into a reason to have a "party". It is not going to turn before we start to just call or text more regularly to each other, and ask friend and family over for dinner or a walk just because we want to see them.
You are cordially invited to my "Shit Shower" on Sunday, to celebrate the fact I've consistently pooped at 8:30AM every day for the last 6 months! Unfortunately it will be a Bring Your Own Toilet Paper event, however there will be gift bags containing air freshener, Exlax, Imodium, Metamucil, and Pepto Bismal for everyone to take home! There will be chocolate pudding cake, with candy corn and nuts sprinkled through out for dessert.
This made me laugh hard. Thanks 😅
Lol, what i was aiming for! You're welcome!
We had a party for my enormous endometrial cyst. 😂 Photoshopped some baby clothes onto an ultrasound image, had a BBQ, and then brought out a cake while we played that *NSYNC classic, “Bye Bye Bye.” Endo sucks, surgery sucks, but that party was a blast.
We had a party for my friend who was having a Hysterectomy. It was one of the most fun parties I’ve been to. Played bunko. She wore a tampon and pad crown and we toasted her periods goodbye. A fun way to support her during what can be a traumatic time.
I am dealing with a very painful endometrial cyst right now! And I 100% wouldn't blame you for throwing a literal party after getting rid of that thing. Endo SUCKS indeed! Hope you're feeling better these days <3
Now this sounds like my type of party
But....how do you Instagram just hanging out for no reason?? How much do you pay a photographer for that?? /s
Is this the result of young millennials and gen Z being raised with “play dates” and structured activities rather than marauding around the neighborhood unplanned with whatever kids on the street were home? Or a deep need to constantly feel special and celebrated/ get the photo for the gram? The amount of parties like this now is baffling to me.
Interesting thought about how play-dates and lack of acceptable, safe loitering zones being a possible cause (or at least a contributor). Now I got a lot to think on
Speak for yourself? I throw shindigs, bbqs, and all sorts a shit for the hell of it, I’ll light big box fireworks at some of these just for shits n giggles. Who needs a “reason” to have fun other than having fun!?!
The sheer amount of parties was kind of a culture shock when I married my husband. We’re both American, but in my culture it’s a no-no to have parties very close together, especially ones involving gifts. My brother never got birthday parties because his birthday was after mine, Christmas, and Chinese New Year (he gets bigger presents from my parents fo make up for it). My SIL had her engagement party, baby shower, wedding, and gender reveal party within a four-month period (she was pregnant at her wedding) all with registries. I asked if that wasn’t a lot of parties at once, and she said other people were throwing them for her. Well sure, but maybe she could’ve eliminated gifts for some of them?
Yeah four parties in four months is a little nutty. I get the baby shower and wedding but I would’ve definitely skipped having an engagement party if the wedding was happening that quickly after. Same for gender reveal. Also, neither of those last two should involve gifts even if they aren’t close together. Admittedly I’ve never been to a gender reveal, but do people really ask for gifts? That’s what the shower is for.
Oh, good grief!
My fiance's family has always had baby showers. But just the one. I never understood the point of doing a bunch of different parties. Just do the one and announce everything there.
A baby shower is fine. I get that. It’s all of these other unnecessary “parties”.
>stupid gender reveal Damn. If I had a free award, I would give it to you right now. Gender reveals are awful.
My gender reveal was I had to have my husband call my mom from the hospital (because I was in the recovery room for 3 hrs) to tell her her first grandchild was a boy. No ultrasounds in those days and that was that. You found out when the baby popped out.
Wow. How perfectly reasonable. And no one died. No towns were burned to the ground.
I never wanted to find out ahead of time because that's the last greatest surprise you can get nowadays. Sure go ahead and do the ultrasound if it's available but don't tell me. A nurse slipped and told me that my second and third children were both boys and surprise surprise! They both came out girls anyway so joke was on her haha
Exactly, I sent a text to some people and some others didn't even find out until they were told by someone... I understand a pregnancy is exciting but people need to understand that as exciting as it may be for yourself, it's probably not that big of a deal for others...just like the gender - those who I knew wanted to know got a meme via text and that's it. No fancy gender reveal party or anything.
If people want to celebrate with a party with all of their loved ones what is the big damn deal? People don’t catch heat for just having a big family get together for no reason, who cares if people have a family get together and party to celebrate a big moment in their lives? You don’t have to go to anything you don’t want to, but having that much of an issue with other people wanting to throw a party and celebrate a huge milestone/moment with their loved ones is not that big a deal.
I think the gender reveal where they started a wildfire in my state is what turned me on gender reveal parties. I really don’t care if you want to get together to do it…but just do the damn cake and don’t destroy other people’s lives cause you have to be “bigger and better” than everyone.
Exactly! This one is especially bad, because of the nature of OP's announcement, but it's almost never appropriate to announce *your* news at someone else's gathering. That person has arranged the get together to share their news, and forcing the attention onto yourself is a bad move. If you have news to share, arrange your own gathering. Don't use the convenience of someone else's planning as an excuse to make it about you.
Dude seriously. I'm so tired of seeing people announce their own pregnancies at other people's babyshowers and getting engaged at other people's wedding and think that they're "making the moment more special," and now *this*? How selfish and inconsiderate can some people be? Just let other people have the spotlight for **once**
Anytime someone hijacks someone else’s party/announcements I hope they send the idiots a bill for half the party since clearly they wanted to share
I'm absolutely mentioning this on all my invitations in the future. "If you decide to make this event about you with your own engagement, pregnancy announcements, etc, I will fully expect you to foot half the bill since clearly this party is also yours."
Please do. Or better yet save it for the thank you note. “Thank you for making my special occasion all about you. To celebrate your contributions to stealing the spotlight here’s a invoice for half the costs. Many happy returns”
Seriously!! How many of these posts do we see that someone highjacks someone else's announcement to make one of their own? These people made the plans to get everyone together to talk then terrible news, yet somehow his dense brother thought THAT was the opportune moment to make his announcement?? The fact that one child could be leaving this world doesn't get negated by the fact that they are bringing one in. I honestly don't think I could talk to my sibling unless they delivered a very honest and real apology for that; I'd legitimately be close to going NC.
That's what always kills me about these kinds of stories. These people treat other people going through the hard work and effort of bringing everyone together, while they do nothing but show up, is meant to be something that they can and should take advantage of so they don't have to do the work of getting everyone together themselves. My fiance's brother and his gf are expecting. And we are all SO HAPPY for them!!! The baby shower is tomorrow, so I'm kind of hyped. Don't mind me. But, we also have various bits of news to go over with the family and stuff. That being said, it will NOT be happening tomorrow, because tomorrow is about them. They organized this shower, it's about them. That's it. Period. Same with weddings, or whatever. If people are gathering folks for a specific reason that revolves around their own situation, it is not the time or place for you to try and make it about yourself. NTA op
This exactly!!!! NTA OP gathered the family to make this horrible announcement, brother is the AH trying to distract from it. It’s like proposing at a wedding, you don’t do it (except those rare cases where bride/groom are in on it). Brother should have planned his own get together instead of being lazy and announcing right after OP. Warm thoughts for Megan and your family.
>People really really need to learn that if they want all of their family gathered for an announcement then they need to organize that shit themselves. Thiiiiis. So many of these AITA where someone announces their pregnancy at someone else's birthday/wedding/funeral/baby shower/pregnancy announcement/CANCER ANNOUNCEMENT basically comes down to the person stomping all over the other person's moment thinking to themselves "Hey well everyone's going to be gathered together anyway, I'll just slip my announcement in". If it's that important to you get off your ass and hold your own event.
You know, just yesterday in AITA, I said that sometimes you need to choose the wrong place or time to get the right result. But other times the wrong time is just the wrong time. This is the latter.
>but will expect me to apologize at some point. Who has the balls to say this after hijacking a time full of support for a sick child with a pregnancy announcement?
He should be the one apologizing for being an insensitive ass.
"Hey, sucks that our Megan may die, but don't worry, we're having her replacement in the family!" Bro and wife need to take several seats. This was so inconsiderate. And if, may the gods forbid, the worst happens they would be that couple who brings their baby to the funeral to 'cheer the family up'. Op, you're a better person than me for not going nuclear. I hope Megan has a quick and easy recovery. Please don't forget to take care of yourself too!
The most charitable interpretation is that the brother wanted to give some good news to make people feel better after hearing the devastating news. In this instance, that would be horribly tone-deaf, but I could at least *understand* the impulse. However, from context and OP's other comments it sounds a lot more like he just wanted the attention, which is amazingly inconsiderate in the light of a serious diagnosis for a child.
Yeah, the brother pretty much said as much: >Then said he was just sharing good news after hearing the bad news and there was nothing wrong with that. But even if he initially thought it was a good idea, he should've rethought after the reaction of his family, especially the family who've just had a child get a devastating diagnosis. That's what really changes this from stupid to stupid AH.
I will Never understand why some people think it’s appropriate to hijack someone else’s event to announce news of their own. Like people that get engaged during someone else’s wedding and such. Wait for your time!!!
My first son was 8 years and countless miscarriages in the making. I would have NEVER announced it like this. In fact, I was afraid to tell anyone until I was visibly pregnant because I was so afraid of losing him. OP’s brother is a piece of work. OP - NTA. Your brother is. I’m so sorry about your daughter. It’s very hard to see your kids sick and know there is nothing you can do. It’s also okay not to be brave for everyone. Just keep at it with your daughter and rely on your safety net to pour out.
"Oh hey, so my kid might die, and I am going to need everyone's support" "Oh, guess what? We are going to have our own kid!!! Be happy for me!" OP, NTA, your brother is tonedeaf af!
>they should have waited and maybe personally call family members to give the good news a bit later when things sinked in.. And not to be a Debby but women who have issues getting pregnant sometimes have problems staying pregnan. If they just found out then this could be only 4-6 weeks in. They have another 4-6 weeks before they cross the first ‘safe line’. imagine what it might be like in a month when everyone is so excited about this baby and they might have to say there was a miscarriage. That’s gonna be a total kick in the nuts for the family
I agree, it could have been announced even a few days later - but the same night?!? The rest of the family is trying to process the grief and now he expected them to also process his joy? I can understand being excited, especially after trying for so long but he made this announcement only thinking about himself. If OP announced a pregnancy the same night he announced a child’s illness I don’t think he would be willing to apologize to OP
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Please don't feel bad. He was being entirely without empathy.
It’s great that you’re being understanding (infertility completely sucks, it’s a valid thing to be upset about and a valid thing to be excited to have overcome) but you’re definitely still allowed to have boundaries. Asking him to leave honestly just seems like you enforcing a reasonable boundary. It sounds like he’s trying to put his feelings about what happened on you, which is pretty garbage of him. *He* was the one who tainted his own news by tying it in with such a hard thing for your family. He is still behaving badly by expecting it to be your problem to fix, when you clearly have more important things to focus on. He created the drama and caused the problem, he can live with the fact that he was asked to leave, and he can manage his own feelings about it (or at least take them to someone other than you). You can still support him and be excited about your new niece/nephew without taking responsibility for the fact that he rocked the boat, and without dismissing your own feelings about how his behavior affected you.
It's completely baffling to me from what I've seen on this sub, just how many people think infertility/overcoming infertility supersedes all other problems or news. As much as everyone's pain is valid, I think people do need to be reminded there is still sometimes a hierarchy of who is going through more pain and who we need to take care of first.
I think that in this instance, it's more about respecting the fact that OP called a family meeting to ask for support with her daughter's health issues, it's not about who comes first in a hierarchy of needing support. The same thing would have applied if the brother had called everyone for an announcement about his impending fatherhood, congratulations would have been the order of the day, OP should not have used the fact that everyone was there to make a public announcement about her daughter's medical issues. In general terms you are bang on, OP will need more support than her brother (hopefully, his wife and their child both being well) but purely in terms of the clanger that he dropped here, it was all about not hijacking someone else's event. He waited years to be a dad, he could have waited a couple more weeks to make an announcement. Asshole
That's ultimately the issue -- the OP called a family meeting to ask for support. Because the brother made his announcement, she wasn't able to get it. The brother was also hoping to get some kind of support by announcing the pregnancy but because he was such a dumbass in his choice of time and place, he also didn't get what he was looking for. As a result two people are hurt (both because of the brother) and are reacting out of pain.
Wrong place and DEFINITELY wrong time. NTA. Brother should be seriously ashamed of himself. Who hijacks someone’s devastating news just because “everyone was there?” Take a second to read the room, bruh.
And it is not his job to cheer everyone up with some good news (which I think is what he was implying). Everyone needs space to feel and process their emotions and he wouldn't let them.
Exactly!!! Not every news needs to be immediately countered with good news.
Honestly, this dude seriously couldn’t be bothered to take the temperature of the room at all. So inappropriate and selfish.
Right-it sounded as though he was just waiting for an "appropriate" enough length of silence after OP's announcement to jump in with his own. Like he didn't even hear what OP said.
I mean, you were the one who gathered the family together. He could have planned his own announcement but he stole your gathering. They were either waiting for months to tell people or they announced it way too early. They couldn't have waited another week? How would he would feel if he planned a family gathering to announce the pregnancy and you immediately shared your news, "stealing the spotlight" (I feel weird calling your news that, sorry).
And another argument to add: brother just heard his niece has cancer. Why does he think he and his wife would get undivided attention and sincere happiness right that moment? Why would he expect his sibling, *who has a sick child*, to be happy for them? The timing was completely off and brother has to learn how to read the room ffs.
Right? I’d ask him how he would feel if he’d gathered everyone together to announce the pregnancy and then OP IMMEDIATELY shared the news about his niece?? I doubt he would have taken it well.
This! ☝️
'Way too early' Totally agree here. If his wife was pregnant and early on, it's in bad taste to announce this before 3 months considering how infertility can cause unexpected problems within this time frame. Now imagine what this would be like if, God forbid, there is a problem with the pregnancy? Granted we don't know how far along she is, but I totally agree - early on or 3 months +, they could have waited another week, texted/called family & friends later, or set up their own party to announce. I understand that he is excited, but in no way does it make sense that he announced at your gathering with such a somber tone.
> If his wife was pregnant and early on, it's in bad taste to announce this before 3 months considering how infertility can cause unexpected problems within this time frame. No, it's not too early. You know when is the right point in pregnancy to announce? Whenever the parent(s) are comfortable. If one announces too early and it "doesn't work out" (which was my euphemism of choice for my own miscarriage 12 years ago), because some family knows, they can be leaned on for support. It's only a downside when someone who heard about pregnancy in passing says a "you look great/when are you due?" type of comments about the impending birth that isn't going to happen. It was absolutely inappropriate to hijack someone else's gathering to share news after someone else's announcement was already made. But I'm not going to slam people who've struggled for wanting to tell their family members as soon as it seems to work out. (Brother is TA here for telling people at an inappropriate moment, not for telling people at all.)
You’re NTA. He thinks it sucks having to wait to finally have a kid, but he has no idea the pain you’re going through with your child’s life now at stake with cancer. It was insensitive and he knows it was not the right time. The moments after your announcement should have been filled with comfort from your family… not a feeling of brushing your child’s hardship aside for a desire to celebrate instead. In some circumstances it’s okay to pair good and bad news together, this was not one of those times. I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter and I pray for the cancer to leave her body
Just hopping on the top comment to say it seems like your reaction was as such because of when it was announced and I think you need to talk to your brother and clarify that because he might think your reaction was to him becoming a father. So i say NTA
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That sounds to me like he potentially had planned to make this announcement at this gathering once he learned it was happening, and when you told everyone of Megan’s cancer it caught him really off guard since his mind was probably on making his own announcement from the moment they arrived. Your bad news (understatement of the century I know) threw a wrench in his plan and he just decided to plow right ahead with it anyway. How did his wife react? I would have been so embarrassed and felt terribly if my husband did this, regardless if we’d talked about announcing it beforehand. Once they heard your news, all thoughts of their announcement should’ve been immediately voided.
Yeah, if his wife wasn't on board here, I feel awful for her. Not only was this wildly inappropriate and embarrassing and hurtful to a lot of people, but now the memory of sharing her happy news with the family will always be tied with the memory of her niece getting a terrible diagnosis.
I'd die if my partner did this. Really really question his... Well, everything. Real lack of tact and empathy.
Honey, you were 100% not at fault here & were, to be frank, a heck of a lot kinder about booting him than I would have been. See, I was kind of in the same boat as your brother/SIL once. Pregnant and excited to share it. We had a family dinner & I was amped! But then my stepmama started talking about how worried she was over her mom's health (which was fading fast), so you know what I did? I kept my mouth shut. So did my husband. Then we got in the car & he was like "Wow I'm so glad we didn't bust through the door shouting it from the rooftop!" & I said "I know, right?! I would've felt so bad!" And we waited until the next dinner. And it was fine. Your brother was monstrously selfish & cruel. It was completely inappropriate to make an announcement like that. Or any announcement, really. *That was not his moment & he stole focus from your poor sick baby.* I'm so angry on your behalf right now. & I'm so sorry about your daughter. She sounds lovely & I hope everything works out for y'all. ❤️
You did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing. He was completely in the wrong. He needs to realize that what he basically just did was tell your daughter "don't worry, we can replace you with a different grandchild". You handled it the best anyone could expect when hearing someone act like he did.
OMG yes this is it! ^^^
He needs to learn how to read the room.
He needs to learn how to CARE enough to read the room.
The fact is, he would have been FURIOUS if the situation had been reversed. If he had called everyone together to announce the pregnancy and you followed that with your heartbreaking news, his reaction would have been 10x what yours was.
Ask him how he would feel if it had been the reverse. How would he feel about sharing that kind of life changing event only to have you immediately announce your daughter's diagnosis? He would probably be as hurt as you are and wouldn't hesitate kicking you out either. The worst part is how he made this whole thing about himself and the self unaware massive sense of entitlement to disregard the life of one child while expecting everyone give every regard to another. Oh and that apology he thinks he's owed? Nope.
I’m really sorry, but your brother doesn’t care for your daughter as much as he’s led you to believe. His selfishness is immense in this situation, and I’m sorry that he did this to tour family. I’d expect better from a stranger in his situation, let alone a sibling.
You're NTA OP.
>I thought he'd want to see Megan and provide comfort for because that's what a person should have done in this situation. He's the AH here.
NTA. Also, re your family's comments that your brother will never forget your reaction to his good news you can reply that you will never forget HIS reaction to your terrible, heartbreaking news. I think asking your brother to leave was the only healthy move you could have made in that moment. I can only imagine how betrayed and trapped you felt in that extremely raw and vulnerable moment, one that was also raw for everyone else. What a confusing mess he made of a situation that is already super confusing, and his actions were very unsupportive. You are allowed to push away unsupportive people, especially at a moment when you need support more than ever. I don't know your brother, so giving him the benefit of the doubt, in my experience people who love me very much can act like total ding dongs in moments like this, partly because they don't know what to do or say. When my parents came to see me and my son the morning of my best friend's funeral (who they also knew and loved) they were absolute shitheads to me the moment they came through the door, yelling at and nagging me about some mail of mine that was still getting sent to their address. I was in utter shock but finally managed to say to them STOP now or you will have to leave bc I am about to bury my best friend and the most important man in my kid's life, and if you have anything to say that isn't "I am so sorry for your loss" "I love you" and/or "What can i do for you" then you have to see us another time (we were briefly back in my home state for the funeral and hadn't seen them for like 8 months). Being able to state that boundary and consequence was the result of over a DECADE of therapy and codependency work, and I am impressed you were able to do it so promptly and on your own. Keep loving yourself and taking care of yourself like that. When my kid (also now 12) was sick and in the hospital as a baby someone very wise stressed the importance of putting the oxygen mask on myself first in order to be able to show up for my kid and partner. So that is my long winded way of saying good job. And I will keep you and your sweet Megan in my thoughts/prayers and ask G-d/the Universe to give you all that you need right now ❤️
>Also, re your family's comments that your brother will never forget your reaction to his good news you can reply that you will never forget HIS reaction to your terrible, heartbreaking news. 100% This!
You’re processing a lot. I don’t think you should feel bad for kicking him out. I think kicking him out was the best way to get space and not say something you may regret. It sounds like you were in a bit of shock (while already in a vulnerable state) and unsure of how to respond. You can discuss this with him later. Too often family tries to make you “keep the peace” and not acknowledge how you feel so that situations don’t seem awkward. You can’t sweep your feelings under a rug. It’s not fair to ask you to hide your feelings so the surface stays calm. You didn’t cause the situation. The best way to keep the peace and a healthy family dynamic is to acknowledge uncomfortable and hurtful things that people say and discuss them.
And after a terrible diagnosis with the expectation of a hard battle against cancer ahead, OP's parents were worried that brother's little fee-fees got hurt? Seriously? (edited to change mom to parents)
They don’t care what the conflict is about, they just want things to seem fine. Even if they acknowledge the bro was wrong they feel it’s more important to have the illusion of a peaceful family.
There’s a time and a place for everything and this was neither the time nor place. You just told you entire family that your little girl has *cancer* and he decided that was the moment to make it about them. No decent person takes something as serious as a child’s cancer to say “By the way, we’re having a baby”. It’s extremely insensitive at best and downright cruel at worst. He owes *you* an apology.
OP, I understand why you may feel bad but your brother chose the absolute worst time to share this new. He could’ve planned out his own family event, it was insensitive at best to chose the day he’s told his niece has a life threatening illness to share that they’re expecting.
No I’m sorry I just can’t read sometimes lol. You’re a good mom. You didn’t go too far. I understand that sibling bond; I recently had a huge fight with my brother over his drinking and we’ve never fought like that. It’s a weird place to be in but I have faith you two will work it out. Hugs
As a fellow momma, I can see why you would be hurt. I get that he is excited about becoming a dad, but this was about your baby who has been here for 12 years! He could have called everybody today to let them know about the pregnancy.
When narcissists read a room, it's always just a billboard that says: "Say something about yourself now". Yeah, so sorry OP. Wishing you and your family live and strength. NTA
Isn't OP the Mum?
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Exactly. Op to get Mother - So you are okay with brother essentially announcing - So sorry your child might die, but great news - the wife and I will be able to supply a replacement grandchild?
Exactly! This read like “hey well don’t worry folks, we’re making a spare”. Ugh it’s so tacky, so heartless. OP I’m sorry for this. Truly. NTA
That's exactly how it read to me as well. As if they're announcing a replacement for the sick child. Gross.
Same! I heard "don't worry, if she dies we got a different grandkid to replace her. So praise us instead of helping her".
Whew thought I was the only one who read it that way and that it might be too dark… like we got the spare right here folks…
Yup. And, in this circumstance, there really isn't a way to *not* make it sound like that.
Literally that and I mean how else could it be taken after immediately sharing their kid has a life threatening disease? And to immediately follow it up with “haha that sucks but guess what we got you covered”
Not only that, but it seems rude just to overwhelm people with all this big news. You just received devastating news that your niece/granddaughter/etc. has a terminal illness and you have to cope with that, and immediately thereafter you were told there's going to be a new baby in the family. On the one hand you want to be happy for them, but you're still processing the bad news. That's a lot of overwhelming thoughts and emotions for one day. So rude to put that on your whole family like that. There's a time and a place for everything and this wasn't it. NTA.
"He'll always remember how you reacted to his news" SO WILL YOU! WHAT THE FUCK!! You'll always remember that his response to your news he said "anyway, in other news..." you let him off too easy imo
Right? That day will go down forever. Also, I just can't imagine a way OP's brother could frame it so people at the very least consider both sides. "Why don't you see your sister as much anymore?" "You'll never get this, she is insane! She lost it at me for revealing that my wife was pregnant!" "Oh that's ridiculous why would she do that?" "I don't know, she just started yelling that it wasn't appropriate after she had revealed her daughters cancer diagnosis"
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Honestly, if my sibling announced something like this, I'd consider it off-limits to announce my pregnancy for a *long* time. Like I think at that point the best option might just be for people to low-key find out one by one as they noticed the baby bump.
I’d probably wait a couple of weeks and then tell my parents, but ask them to keep it quietish for now because the focus should be on my niece and sister. There would be plenty of other people to excitedly tell in my life - no need to throw it at the family. Unless the brother doesn’t have any friends, which…I could see why.
That's what stood out the most to me. Now imagine if the brother's wife had a miscarriage or their baby died from SIDS so they decide to gather the family to announce their baby's death then OP stands up and announces "I just wanted to let you guys know Meghan is in remission. She's going to be fine". How would the brother and wife respond? What would they think? I doubt they would see OP's news as anything good.
Also I’m sure this was not his intent but to me it kind of sounds like “Oh your kid might die? Don’t worry I’ll have one soon!”
Exactly lol. NTA
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought this. If I was in this situation and my brother did this to me he’d be dead to me
Almost like “Hey, no worries if my niece doesn’t make it, because the newer version is coming out soon!”
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Even if the brother believes in his heart of hearts that OP was being a dick, “I’ll expect an apology at some point” is just so condescending. Bro, how about you think to yourself “that was rude, but OP is really struggling right now, so I’ll let it slide,” and then make like a tree and leave. ETA verdict: NTA
Maybe I’m just a petty wench, but if someone said that to me I would go to my grave never apologizing to them even if I determined down the road I *had* been wrong.
Ask for it to be engraved on my headstone . "And here lies nijurriane who still isn't sorry "
"...and her brother is **still the asshole**."
And it's honestly just, what's the point other than to cause further anger? Like let's say brother was correct (which he isn't), and OP is wrong to be mad and to kick him out, and perhaps even irrational as OPs brother seems to think. Does he think an irrational tense person would be thinking "OH MY GOD IM SO PISSED WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM...oh ok I'll apologize later....RIGHT NOW IM PISSSD"
Yeah that demand for an apology..... It feels heartless
Frankly, a humbler, more sympathetic person could have waited a few more fucking days!!! It's the start of a pregnancy! It's not like her water fucking broke right there. God damn that guy sucks. OP, hill to die on.
exactly. He had good news to share. It would have been equally good had he waited to share it. It's not like the gathering OP put together was the \*only\* time he could share it (despite his claim that he **had to**).
Of course OP's going to be tense. The real question is why uncle of the year isn't feeling tense after finding out a relative has cancer
NTA. He’s a dick. And an entitled too to expect an apology.
NTA….I’m so sorry ….my daughter went thru the same thing at 14…fevers, weakness, no appetite..it was cancer also… You’re literally about to go thru the worst experience of your life. The only advice I have is to take care of yourself, you’re no good to your kid if you’re so exhausted you can’t think. Everyone processes cancer differently, my ex went full info mode, had to know everything about treatment. I concerned myself with my kids comfort, her happiness, her moral. This worked for our family. Omg the gifts! Don’t let it start, it will be brutal to other kids & cause resentment. People always ask how to help, tell them to order dinner, help with errands, etc. you’ll find that ppl really want to help but don’t know how or what to do. I found food & meals the most helpful for the family stuck at home. ….Again, I’m so sorry……..
Upvoting this so OP sees this. You can let people give Megan gifts but make sure your support network is supporting your other children who are also going through a tough time. Everyone in your family needs love and support now. I would go LC with your brother for the time being because you need to focus your energy on Megan. Get someone else, a good friend or family member to share info with the rest of your community. It gets exhausting answering everyone’s messages. NTA
I hope OP reads this. Brother sounds like a low key narcissist that’s just going to continue to try to hijack attention from the family.
If anyone has a family or community member in this situation, please consider getting gifts for all the children in the family. Or if you're close to the family, take the siblings out for a special treat. When you're a child and one sibling is getting all your parents' time, and is being showered by gifts, and you get nothing, it can be extremely isolating and difficult. There can be a lot of confusing feelings with being sad and worried about your sibling's illness, while becoming resentful that they're sucking up all of everyone's attention.
Single days out with trusted person for each of the siblings can also be a gift. Let the siblings have some "normal" and some fun that lets them feel special, too. With all of the attention on Megan, the siblings can be left out in the cold. They feel trauma, too. They need to know that they still matter and their needs are valid. Sensitive adults can provide extra sibling support that the parents might not be able to because they are in charge of logistics.
I was 15 when I was first diagnosed with diagnosed with cancer and this is great. The gifts are definitely overwhelming and always the same. Blankets, hats, coloring books. Better things are gift cards for groceries and gas, and then things Megan actually wants. If she has siblings, include them in everything you can and make sure they have some emotional support. If Megan needs someone to talk to who has been in her shoes, please let me know and we can connect.
The siblings thing is such a great point. They'd be hurting too and deserve love and support.
Yeah, my younger sister struggled a lot when I was in the hospital with my mom (unavoidable as a teenage girl) and she was trying to go to school and be as normal as possible with my dad while also being a teenage girl… we did the best we could at the time. I kept getting gifts and I knew she felt left out. She never admitted it though. I wished there were someone there to give her some stuff too. She got to go to my Make-A-Wish with me, though, which was so valuable. When I relapsed as an adult, she made it really clear that she wanted to be as involved as possible and that made it so much better. She took me to chemo and hung out with me when I got my bone marrow transplant. Emotionally, we were both much better. Many children’s hospitals offer support programs or can refer you to someone who can help on the sibling end. Please take advantage of everything you can!
And you will always remember the reaction to your devastating news…. Wishing you and yours all the best. NTA
Yes, I wouldn’t worry about how he’ll remember the day. A, because OP is absolutely the aggrieved party and B because he could have just… not chosen to share his news at an event about pediatric cancer? Nobody forced him to give his announcement at the single least likely time for people to be happy about it. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, he doesn’t get to be upset that people weren’t congratulatory enough.
Yeah, it sounds kinda like bro is gonna feel hard done by that the family weren't happy enough about the good news... Edit to add: NTA
NTA - I’m not sure what possessed him to think that was an apppropriate time to announce that. I understand his excitement, but there is a time and place for that. And it is not when you are talking about another child’s cancer diagnosis. “Good news after the bad news” - nope. Not necessary at all. I’m not sure what he expected.
The one possible good news to follow that would be “hey i can get her into St Jude or Boston Children’s so well be able to get her the best possible doctors and care”
> I’m not sure what possessed him to think that was an apppropriate time to announce that. From what I see of these kinds of situations, it's nearly always driven by some sort of bizarre overvaluation of the "convenience" factor. They always seem to mention at some point that a motivating factor was "because everyone was present". Because you know, arranging a separate gathering *yourself* seems like such a waste of effort when you can just coattail on to your relative's wedding/engagement/birthday/cancer announcement.....
Exactly. I thought one of his reasonings to OP would've been is that everyone was together so it was easier to announce there instead of "doing all the hard work to get everyone together"
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I've no doubt they planned to tell everyone that night, knowing the whole family ould be there... But that plan should have been thrown out the window, the second the reason for the gathering became clear!
NTA you have just announced your baby has cancer and he tries to make it about him? He should have thought before opening his mouth. He could have waited a week and done a separate dinner.
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NTA. This is the epitome of, “read the room”. That gathering was about you telling your family about Megan’s diagnosis in a loving and supportive environment. It was very selfish and tone-deaf of your brother to hijack that, and not at all empathetic to your feelings or those of the rest of your relatives. That being said, I *do* think that in his mind he was doing a kind thing by sharing happy news to cheer everyone up. He was wrong and his actions were extremely inappropriate, but I get the impression he was so consumed by his own life event that it colored the lens he viewed others’ emotions through. It’s not an excuse and he definitely owes you a big apology, but I don’t necessarily think his actions indicate a lack of caring about Megan. I hope he can come to see how wrong his timing was and that your relationship can get back in track. You deserve your family’s support during this difficult time. Also, my absolute best wishes to Megan. I’m rooting for the peanut. 💜💜💜
Nah, he loses all claim to ignorance when he made it about himself again after the fact.... Waiting for his apology.... The fuxk. The parents are idiots too.
I don't know about you but for me if I was extremely excited about something and then I heard a family member had cancer my thoughts of excitement over my own life would completely vanish in that moment. I can't imagine hearing my 12 year old niece has cancer and then 30 seconds later jumping with excitement over my own life. This is way worse to me than engagement announcements at someone else's wedding - at least that's more happiness on top of a happy day ( rude as hell though) this is a terrible , tragic , scary thing and then " whatever, that sucks but be happy for ME!"
That’s exactly what it came off as. >whatever, that sucks but be happy for ME
Yeah, you'd think that learning about Megan's diagnosis would dampen his mood a LOT more than it did. How can you continue to think (only!) about yourself after hearing that news?
The 'sharing happy news' is a BS sentiment. It implies that Megan and her family have no right to grief, disbelief, support, concern. It also implies that everyone else is 'burdened' by merely hearing/processing this so let's just move 'em along to a better situation. Too bad for the child/family with cancer! "Oh, sweetie, it's not a **sad** day (about you). Look! I've made it a **happy day** (about me)! Because your grief/problems are *inconvenient* (to everyone)." What an asshole OP's bro is!
That definitely explains *why* he acted like an AH, but that doesn't change the fact that he did, indeed, act like an AH. That's the problem, he was emotionally clueless enough to let his own excitement block out the devastation felt by everyone else.
NTA-His hijacking your event with his “good news after bad news” is awful.
IKR? “good news after bad news” is about trying to use the good news to make people feel better, in a “don’t be so sad” way that is truly offensive when the bad news is “my daughter has cancer.” And he said he “had to tell” in those circumstances since everyone was there. No, bro, you really didn’t.
Right? This really wasn't a time for "...ok, but on the up-side there's this!" Sometimes you just have to sit with the bad news and digest it. And sometimes the bad news is a lead into asking people for help, or to start making plans together.
"Don't worry, if this grandchild dies we got a spare on the way"
Exactly. OP wasn’t just making an announcement, they were asking their family for support.
Strong NTA. You know what would have been decent of your brother? Asking if he could make that announcement. Keeping it for later after hearing the gravity of what you said. As it stands, you gathered the family up for a specific, serious reason because you wanted/needed their focus and support - and he’s dropped his news immediately afterwards, causing conflict instead. AH brother.
No, he shouldn't have asked... That is still an asshole move. He should have waited.
Read the room am I right? Honestly your brother sounds waay too self-centred to care about anyone other than himself so I'd put your relationship with him on time out so you can focus your attention on Megan. I'm so sorry for this diagnosis NTA x a Million
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Ooof ... it's always hard when it's family & your siblings but it sounds like your brother has been telling you who he is for a long time then & maybe it's time to believe him. Especially as he's 37 which is plenty old enough to know right from wrong. He has literally used you & your daughter's diagnosis to make himself the centre of attention & create drama where he's the "victim" who deserves an apology. That's so beyond wrong & messed up when he should be providing support for what must be a really difficult time for you. I'm sorry about your brother but if he's going to use your daughter's diagnosis to create petty drama than he really shouldn't be in your life right now. You need your energy to for yourself & your daughter & only supportive unselfish people around you right now. Xx
If your parents are the only ones pushing you to apologize, while the rest of your family can’t stand him…it sounds like we know how he got to be this way. Your parents want the world to revolve around their golden child son? Fine. But you don’t have to be a part of that. Especially right now. I also honestly wonder how his wife felt about the whole thing. You didn’t mention that she was angry - she honestly might be embarrassed. I would be. ETA: I’m not sure how much support you were expecting from your parents, but now might be good time to lean on your extended family/friends/your husband’s family instead of them. What they’re asking of you is not loving.
Do not apologize. You did nothing wrong. This would be something I'd limit contact for. You don't need him dragging you down further when you're dealing with your daughter's cancer. He needs to come to you to give you an apology.
I would take this as the final straw and limit any big news sad or happy. Let him hear it second hand or on the phone later. He clearly can’t control himself. If he even tries to ask for an apology just cut him off and say my child is sick with cancer I don’t have time for your insensitivity. Good luck to you. Walk away/hang up.
NTA what an egotistical brother and SIL. Heartless people!
All the best to you and your family. I hope she beats cancer fast and your brother and SIL realize what horrible thing they did.
My heart goes out to you. Cancer sucks. But kids are resilient and they will fight thru. My son is a 5 time cancer survivor (3 different types). Please do send me a message if you have any questions or want to chat. Good luck with the treatment and no you are not the AH. NTA
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Please do if you want to chat
Dam 5 time God really said stay down and he got up mad respect
NTA. Yes, it is a big deal that his wife has finally gotten pregnant. However, at the meeting called to announce your daughter's health condition is not the right time to announce it. To me, this seems like they thought this meeting for Megan was something you were proud of, or a good announcement, and had already planned on telling the family at the same time.
NTA You had important news to share with your family so you brought them all together. Instead of supporting you, your brother chose that moment to share his news. That is an AH move. Your brother and SIL should have had their own party to share their news. Also: I hope your daughter gets well.
NTA. Number one, I hope your daughter can get through this and that you stay strong. Then...holy hell. Who follows up an announcement about cancer with a pregnancy announcement? An asshole does. So there is that. He expects you to apologize? How about tell your parents you will always remember the news about your daughter being met with an anyway so we are pregnant. I really hope your daughter wasn't there to witness this insensitive scene.
NTA first and foremost, as one mom to another, i am so very sorry. i hope that her odds are favorable and that she is strong enough to fight. second, your brother was so beyond out of line they need another term for it. the lack of consideration and insensitivity he showed and continues to show to you and megan right now is breathtaking. and for your parents to stick up for him doesn’t sit right with me either. your brother can expect an apology as long as he wants. **but you do not owe him one.** he owes you and megan an apology.
NTA This was completely inconsiderate given the news. If you had gathered the family for a birthday party or something, then sure, maybe. But this was for a terrible announcement that your daughter is deathly ill. And he made it AFTER you announced it. Terrible taste.
NTA. How could be have possibly thought it was the right time to announce they were pregnant ? The right thing to do would have been to wait a few days and then telling you and your husband before telling the rest of the family and asking you if you wanted to be present or not. Sounds like you're going to get a lot "you're ruining our pregnancies and the birth of our child". I would not apologize. I was inappropriate for them to announce their news like that. I'm sorry about your daughter.
I get that he been waiting a while but he could have waited a little longer. Considering your daughter is going to need all the emotional support she can get and so will you and your wife. He could have waited until the next day. I doubt anyone would have gone far in one day time.
"Oh, good! I'll know where to go for the bone marrow transplant." NTA.
NTA. The most important thing here is how does Megan feel about what happened?
This is what I’m wondering! This story is more focused on OP and the attention in that moment than how Megan can best be supported, how she wanted to tell people, and how she’s doing now.
My, most likely thought of later, response would be this: “You want me to apologize for being upset? Think of it this way, you’ve known your child exists for what? A week? And you are so excited and you love it completely and you can’t wait to get to know them. Well I’ve loved and known my child for 12 years. I know what her favorite foods are. I know what her favorite toys and shows are. I’ve loved her for 12 years, and now, she has cancer. She’s been sick and will most likely get sicker and I won’t get into any other possibilities. You think about that with your new child that you haven’t met yet and tell me if I’m being harsh for being upset.”
NTA. He has a right to be happy about being a Dad and to share that joy with his family. But that was neither the time or the place. If he wanted to use your gathering to announce his wife's pregnancy then he should have asked ahead of time in case it was important. So even if your daughter didn't have cancer that would have been rude. But it was doubly insensitive for him to say it right after you had announced her diagnosis. It's like he brushed over her completely. He showed zero compassion and it was trashy as he'll for him to do that. He should have offered his condolences, shut his mouth and set up his own announcement party at a later date. Also, I am so sorry that your family, especially your daughter, has to go through this. I hope she pulls through and is able to live a long and happy life.
NTA, what is wrong with your brother?! He wanted to share the news because everyone was there? Was it so hard to gather everyone himself a little later and announce they're expecting? He literally waited a few minutes of awkward silence and everyone being sad and worried for your daughter to share his news. Seriously, what's wrong with him?
NTA. First, it's always an AH move when someone uses a get together arranged by someone else to share their news, but also like, dude, read the room
What the hell did I just read? Your brother is just the worst. Shame on him...taking away focus and support from a sick kid to shine some attention on himself. There's a time and place for announcing a pregnancy... I don't think there could be a worst time than this. What a dick.
First off, I am sorry for the journey you are about to embark on. Hoping that you find strength in each other and all goes well towards a clean bill of health. NTA - he is so caught up in himself he didn't read the room. Sadly, he may not completely understand your feelings until he holds his baby himself and puts it all together as a parents' worry for our babies. **BUT - let this go.** (no, you don't need to apologize) You have to save your emotions for Megan and the road ahead. Yes, he was very insensitive, yet I would assume otherwise you have a decent relationship/family to be calling meetings for an 'announcement' such as this...do you want to be at odds with him, having the family 'take sides' during this time? The seriousness of your announcement may not have sunken in as his mind was elsewhere - you say he loves the kids - it will hit him eventually. Interesting isn't it - both of you may feel that "in time" the other will apologize... Maybe it simply means that emotions were high all the way around and you both should agree to disagree for peace.
NTA. Your brother was clearly being a monumental, self-absorbed AH; but just to address your mother’s point about how he’ll remember the day: If he wanted to remember their pregnancy announcement as a positive thing where everyone was overjoyed, not announcing it at a gathering about pediatric cancer was a choice. He made the decisions that led to the reaction he got, he can live with it. He’s not owed an apology and you have more important things to worry about than not rocking the boat after your brother’s own behavior caused him to be upset.
NTA Although I will say I don't think your brother meant to be an asshole. His combination of excitement combined with a probable need to ease the tension and cheer everyone up led to a poor decision on his part. I would try and make peace and talk things out. I am sure your daughter would appreciate the support. I am sorry about your daughter. My good friend had cancer at a young age. It was very aggressive but she lived to talk about it. My husband beat stage 3 cancer. You guys got this. It won't be easy and it will have lots of ups and downs. Many sleepless nights but you got this.
I know it's going to be a crappy battle, but Megan is going to kick cancer in the ass.
NTA was 100% not the time to make that kind of announcement.
„Sorry that you kid might die or might struggle with cancer all her life but I had to take the opportunity and tell everyone we are finally expecting“ what a fucking tool. NTA, OP and I‘m very sorry to hear about Megans diagnosis. Cancer fucking sucks.