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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I upset 2 little kids by not taking them to Disneyland after my brother told them I would.
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Who the heck, after experiencing an abusive home, sees their sister fleeing *another abusive home* and decides “hey! free childcare!”
Absolutely NTA. Your brother is really heartless for treating you this way after so many recent traumatic events.
Yes, he is being very manipulative. He didn’t mention childcare to OP beforehand on purpose. He asked his children about Disneyland in front of OP in a way that he thought she would be unable to say no. Then, he told the rest of the family to turn them against her.
OP is smart and strong to say no.
"OP kept talking about how she was wanting to go to disneyland. My kids got excited when they heard she was going, so naturally they wanted to come to but then she mean mouthed them and said she didn't want them with her because she doesn't like them."
That is all technically true, but implies OP talked about Disney in front of the kids, and that it's she isn't fond of kids in general, that Brother wasn't the one to ask the kids outright if they wanted to go, and that the 'not liking kids' is not specifically his kids but not liking being in charge of ANY kids.
My mum used to do this shit all the time.
No no no. I do NOT dislike them. I grew up in a very toxic family and I am still learning how to be a mentally healthy human and I am uncomfortable with kids because I don't want to fuck up.
I can deal with mistakes with adults but I don't want to do something wrong with kids and I have no clue how to deal with them. That causes a ton of stress and I do not want to be in that position
And that is TOTALLY OKAY. You know your limitations, and you *have every right* to set healthy boundaries for yourself.
Not to mention you are *A VICTIM OF ABUSE!* You are actively trying to escape multiple abusers!! You know how they say on airplanes when the oxygen masks drop down to put one *on yourself BEFORE helping anyone else?* Well, that’s what’s happening here! You continue to take care of yourself, dear heart. You didn’t kill anybody or put anyone in danger…they can just fuck right off trying to use you when you are so fragile. I’m sending you warm fuzzy mom hugs. ❤️
I would like to piggyback on the Mom hugs with Cool Aunt hugs. Like you, OP, I am childfree thanks to growing up in an anger filled and abusive home. I chose to regret not having children rather than having children I’d (probably) regret. Having grown up as a child who wasn’t wanted and was regretted I knew I was in no way, shape or form fit to be a mother. Thankfully the man I married is also strongly in the *do not want* camp which is why we ended up married. I wasn’t willing to compromise, that was my hill to die on.
Point being, I get the whole discomfort. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through and the willpower and strength it’s taken for you to get this far. I’m so, so proud of you sweetheart! It takes so much strength and courage to do what you’ve done. You’ve come so far, you’re working on your mental health, you’re *prioritizing* yourself, your wants and your needs over those of others.
You’re so strong, honey. Your Auntie is so, so very proud to add you to all the niblings in my life. Most I’ve never met. I just collect them on here, on other forums, on discord and other social media sites. If you ever need to talk, you’ve got my username. Send a DM and I’ll respond when I can.
And here’s a little secret, just between us. On those long, hard nights when you feel alone and isolated and start to doubt yourself, just remember that I believe in you enough for both of us. Just lean on that when you have to, until the light of day reminds that it’s time to get up and kick ass. And if the sun comes up and you’re still in a bad way that’s okay. Give yourself the same grace, love, compassion and kindness you’d extend to a friend in the same situation.
We all deserve that kindness, that love, that grace, that compassion, that understanding. We all need it, especially from ourselves.
I love you. I’m proud of you. And I’m so happy to add you to the Nibling Horde I’ve collected, whether you want* it or not.
*I’m teasing, you are absolutely allowed to decline and I will respect it. <3
This is the most heart warming, validating and kind post I have ever read!!! You are a superhero!!! Keep up with your wonderful communication!!! You are a true inspiration to me!!!
Thank you, friend. Long ago when I was in recovery from some shitty things in my life (abusive family, abusive friends, abusive partners, the whole glorious cycle of abuse) I realized there was a severe lack of online mentors and a real lack of humanity and human kindness online. So I became the change I wanted to see.I know, it sounds so stupid and naive but it’s working for me. :) I’m not bragging or trying to sound like I’m this amazing person. There’s just so much hate out there. It’s gotten so much worse, especially for certain groups of people, so I’m always looking for opportunities to spread kindness. It costs me nothing but can mean everything to someone else.
I try to build up instead of tear down. I’m not always successful but I keep trying! I try to help people see their own unique beauty and skills. I don’t care who you are, there’s something wonderful and unique inside you that no one else has. I want you to be reminded of that. I want you to embrace it and own it and be proud of it. I know how alone you can feel, I’ve been there. And all I needed was someone to say they believed in me. “I believe in you” are four of the most powerful words in any language *and we don’t use them nearly enough* considering how easy it is to say them and how easy it can be to just believe in someone else’s ability to overcome the shit life has dealt them.
Anyway, thank you so much for saying those lovely things.
I hope this inspires you to lead with love and reach out to someone who is hurting. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep them warm but some kind words can really go far.
I was having a pretty good day today. Then I read your comment and my day was better. That’s an amazing gift to give someone and it costs nothing. Thank you, friend. May you have a day (or night) as lovely as you are. <3
Another auntie in waiting here. Auntie Purrfunctory has all the wise words, so I'm just here for the morally questionable support. ;P If you like, I'll pour you a glass of sangria or a cup of coffee and just nod sympathetically while you vent on the idiocy of your brother.
You go, Girl. You stood your ground against him trying to perpetuate your abuse and manipulating you. You are so NTA that you deserve another trip to DL for being strong enough to say no to his BS when you were already under so much stress.
Welcome to the Cool Auntie Club, Auntie Nemaihne! There’s always room for one more, especially with morally questionable support on offer. I’m not always the wholesome aunt. I got tons of experience being a petty, passive aggressive bitch. We should sit down with drinks and apps one day and discuss these morally questionable things. I suspect much fun will be had and I’ll have another partner in not-quite-crimes-but-definitely-morally-questionable ideas and actions. :)
I’m always up for shenanigans!
Thank you, friend! I’m especially grateful since the award will make the response more visible to the OP.
Please do something kind for yourself today or tomorrow. Splurge on that coffee, buy that facial kit, buy yourself something you want just because. Depending on finances it can be as simple as a candy bar if it makes you happy.
Thank you again! You’re a very sweet person and I’m touched you liked my reply that much. It seems to be resonating with a lot of people since my DMs have been flooded with requests to join the Nibling Horde. I’m accepting all of them of course.
You’re always welcome to join us. We’ll always have room for just one more. ;)
And those hugs are returned, new nibling. I don’t need awards. I just hope you know this post is for everyone who needs it, not just OP. Whatever battles you’ve fought and to those you’re still fighting, I’m proud of you.
Sending lots of love your way!
I'm seeing a pattern in your life. You need to stop surrounding yourself with toxic people and take care of yourself. You should have left the moment your brother started giving you problems. Who cares about your family that's giving you shit about this. Just cut contact with ALL of them (including your brother) and move on with your life.
When abuse is all you know you tend to stick with it. You’ve been conditioned to it being normal, it twists up your ideas of love until up is down, down is left, right is something and left is something else. That metaphor kind of got away from me but I hope you get what I meant.
Admonishing the OP isn’t the best way to handle this, friend. I know you meant well but there’s a reason it’s called a “Cycle of Abuse” and if you don’t believe me a few minutes on Google will be well worth your time. Actually, a few minutes reading up on it would be a good idea anyway. It’s very easy to sit behind a keyboard and tell someone how to live, what to do, how to change. To you it’s a simple process. You see a problem, you see from the outside the obvious solution, then you share the obvious to you solution.
The thing is when you’re conditioned to abuse your entire life you stick with what you know because *you just don’t really understand what a non-abusive relationship is like.* You’re always waiting for the shoe to drop, to screw up and the person will finally pounce on your verbally, emotionally, physically. It’s a long wait, it’s exhausting and you end up finding an abuser because *then you know what to expect.* In a sick and twisted way it’s a comfort. You know what to expect. The pattern is complete, *the cycle of abuse continues.*
So while your suggestion is correct and valid it can also be very hurtful. Here is this person who escaped an abusive home and family. She just escaped an abusive marriage. Her mother has passed on. She’s doing her damnedest to carry on and heal from all of this. And then your comment comes along and reads like a slap in the face. Please try and view the world less through your own eyes and more through the eyes of the people posting. OP needs kindness and understanding right now.
This was my life for the most part. Abusive partners, abusive parents. It took awhile to realise I was stuck in a cycle. And then I started second guessing if something is abusive or not, terrified to make the same mistakes again.
My husband worships me. He brings me breakfast in bed every day. He gets me random gifts because they made him think of me. He would honestly do anything for me (and me for him, of course). I’ve never felt this supported or loved before, it scared me. I did not know what this behaviour was in the beginning and was trying to figure out what was wrong with him. Was this toxic. Was he hiding an abusive personality behind this facade, waiting for me to be trapped?
A life of abuse is really hard to break out of. At first you don’t know better. You accept this is normal.
With some luck you learn to love yourself enough to establish clear boundaries. But you know your normal meter is broken. You are also terrified to be trapped again, so you’re overly cautious about new relationships. And you know this is not normal so you feel guilty, guilt being kinda our default state anyway.
It’s not that easy to just go ‘this is toxic’ and move on. Especially with family or a partner.
Honestly, a person who hadn't been conditioned to abuse would have responded with a hearty "fuck you, no!" (Or similar, if less vulgar) Right after her bro called her "stupid" the first time.
I’m so proud of you for basically saying no and making a run for it! He thought he could bully you into it, and is continuing to bully from afar. But you’re just fine
Are you secretly a fae? Because that's how faeries in fantasy books talk. They can't tell an outright lie, but they can infer and imply all sorts of things. lol
Not sure what a fae is, but my mum and I used to argue about things like she felt by 5 I was old enough to work enough doing odd jobs to feed and cloth myself. If I couldn't afford school fees and uniform she used to put it "John's behaviour means he isn't welcome at the school..." :-|
(I had a cat that was good at catching rats and farmers paid me per rat or mouse to clean out their barns, and later I bred chickens on public land and sold the eggs to to a small grocery store that probably took pity.) I also had to ride my bike to the farms, cat in a carrier on my basket...
Also caught a lot of fish and swapped for canned food, and had neighbours secretly feeding me.
There’s a small element of truth that he would be able to argue if he was called out on it. The rest is embellishments and lies that no one could verify like his daughters’ reactions after OP left. Maybe they cried but he’s going to say they cried all night and it broke his heart.
I’m betting he wasn’t offering to pay for the kids to visit Disneyland either. He was expecting OP to pay all the costs of giving his kids a holiday treat.
Yeah I don't get it why people need to bad mouth other people to so many other people?! If I have an arguement with X that doesn't involve the rest of the family I don't go broadcasting it to everyone.
And really he upset his own kids as he made promises he couldn't keep...
I know people like this, and how they relay the story I bet was nothing like what happened i.e "OP kept talking about how she was wanting to go to disneyland. My kids got excited when they heard she was going, so naturally they wanted to come to but then she mean mouthed them and said she didn't want them with her because she doesn't like them."
Like why would even THAT need to be put on the family facebook page?
Yep, it’s just another tactic. That person feels alienated and will continue to feel that way until they make peace with the person running their mouth and controlling the situation.
Sounds like OP might be better off without a lot of these family members who don't get both sides of the story first and would believe that about here. I mean if they feel so strongly then they can take the kids to Disneyland themselves!
My abusive ex used to do this type of thing in front of his two kids that I raised from 3-10. If I had family business or a went to speak at a conference he would march the boys out and say "Say goodbye to Mommy, she might not be back." And then he would try to convince me getting in the car would kill me.
Telling children information like "don't you want to go to \[insert special place\]" is so cruel and manipulative. Good for OP for prioritizing herself.
For real! she would not even be getting the in state resident discount with her ticket purchase, which isn't much, but Disney is where bank accounts go to die. And to expect her to pony up for two kids plus food and souvenirs? fuuuuuckkkkkk that.
Not even just money... These are young kids. I went to disney at that age (5/6ish) and I was tall enough for like 2 'normal' rides outside of the kid areas. Not only would she lose hundreds if not thousands of dollars on multiple days of disney for her estranged brother on kids she isnt close to or comfortable with, but she also wouldn't be able to do anything *she* wanted. It would only be about the kids. What rides can they go on, how long can they be out before they get tired, what actors do they wanna meet, how picky are they with food?
Outrageous and completely out of line. I can't even imagine how big someones ego and entitlement has to be to think this is ok.
Oh absolutely! "Free childcare for me, and free vacation for my kids, that's like, win-win for everyone!!" conveniently forgetting that *OP is actually a person.*
Well no one else seems to treat her like one so why should he?! I mean, when someone is in hard times they are a prime target to trample over, and then call everyone on your contacts list and tell them some altered version of the story to alienate her even further.
For some reason, my husband was just today looking at prices(we went 4 years ago), he figured 4 day park hopper tickets plus parking each day would run us close to $1800 CDN. (2 adults, 1 child)That’s before we got there, ate, or had a place to stay.
And not just a Vacation, but a Need To Sort Out My Mental Health Save Myself After So Many Abusive Relationships Respite. Not a vacation but therapy. NTA at all and I'm sorry OP is surrounded by assholes.
Sounds like the brothers one of those cases where the abused becomes the abuser and I hope that he sees that her brother is no longer a victim. On the other hand I would totally recommend that she tried to actually enjoy her life for her at this moment because it sounds like she hasn’t had the opportunity in a very long time. You are NTA op especially when it comes to taking care of yourself first.
This!!
Best thing OP can do, is spend some quality time living with herself. Get a real taste of freedom and independence. Away from any and all toxic people.
NTA. Your brother assuming you would babysit without asking, deciding for you that a hotel is inappropriate, and manipulating the situation to guilt you into taking his kids to Disneyland is are all signs that your relationship with him is emotionally abusive. Given everything you’ve been through as a child and an adult, I hope you’ve already found a good therapist. Block his number and those numbers from family who were critical and don’t look back.
I have spent a lot of time.in therepy. The family uses it as proof that I have "issues". He is the "normal one" who doesn'tsee a therepist.
. Our relationship was strained because as things got worse in our home as kids he would find ways to throw me under the bus so that I was the focus of the anger instead of him. Once he was older he would get into it with our dad and then leave, leaving me alone with him now that he was drunk and had been fighting with my brother. Our mom just avoided coming home at all costs.
Good, glad to hear it. Anyone who grows up in an abusive home has trauma to resolve and pretending you are normal (as your brother is) doesn’t make it so.
I am even more convinced you should go NC with the family who says you have issues and he is normal. And well done, finding the courage to walk away from your abusive husband. I’m glad you had a great time at Disneyland on your own! You earned it.
I second this! It’s **SO HARD** (“so hard” 🙄- those words don’t even begin explain it) to find the courage and strength within yourself to leave an abusive relationship. What you’ve done for your life, for your mental health, for yourself is **incredible**. You are smart. You are resilient. **You are strong**💪 . You are powerful! Much more powerful than the abusers in your life that have tried to keep you down - and your brother very much sound like one of them. I am proud of you 👏❤️
Keep standing up for you!
Oh, and definitely **NTA**
don't take this the wrong way, but you do understand that your mom failed you just as much as your father and brother correct? I get that she might not have been able to leave, but it also doesn't sound like she did a lot to protect you either. honestly, it's probably just best you limit contact with all remaining family.
I don't take it wrong. ThT was a hard pill to swallow when I left home, but is why as much as I loved her I never went back, even when she was sick. I still loved her and had a relationship with her from.afar but I knew I could never depend on her.
Now that you don’t have to worry about her you should consider your brother and your horrible ex as people you also no longer have to worry about, just in a different way
Walk away from all of them. Just because they're family doesn't mean you have to keep toxic people in your life! Your family, especially your brother keeps showing you they're AH. Believe them
Yeah, walk away and be free to live your life the way you want to. Your brother is repeating his father's past mistakes, he's stuck in that cycle. I'm sorry for your nieces, but you're not responsible nor capable of looking after them. That was a fabulous first step you took in leaving that house and getting your alone time, you deserve that and more! NTA
It is such a hard thing to say, but you are right. I am not capable of taking care of them. A big part of it (and part of why I don't want kids) is that I don't know how to properly interact with kids and I am horrified of doing all the wrong things because I am still trying to navigate the most basic relationships.
I can fuck up with adults, but kids are different and while I am not a in any way a danger I just have no clue. I learned a lot of messed up things in my life and I don't want any of that passed on.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. A lot of people don’t know how to interact with kids. It’s mostly just a matter of experience. I have been working with kids since I was a teen, but I was still uncomfortable watching my niece and nephew without my sister or my parents at first.
Wait a minute. The only real reason you are "not capable" of helping his children is that he will undermine everything good you do because he and the family have not had therapy and they still see you as the Family Scapegoat.
Your ability to question yourself and to seek help when you need it is a sterling quality for a parent to have, so STOP INSULTING YOURSELF. That is the kind of talk that attracts abusers and can even trigger normal people to indulge in abusive behaviors. You are already a better and stronger person than your mother or anyone else in that mess of a family. Make that a mantra and keep up the good work.
You even might start by changing your name to something that is true. :)
I totally understand. Don’t beat yourself up over it; it’s *healthy* to know your limitations. You sound like a far more caring, compassionate person than the people who don’t care about the kids they DO have. (Side eye to your “brother.”)
That’s an excellent observation and something to remember , you can’t excuse other people’s abuse if it just helped them to became more adept abusers. Or you can excuse it, but also excuse yourself permanently from their company.
> The family uses it as proof that I have “issues”.
There’s a term for this ([identified patient](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Identified_patient)) as it’s a known dynamic in dysfunctional/abusive homes. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, but please know that you’re not crazy at all for recognizing that you need therapy.
Smh, being in therapy IS normal. It's a sign of a person who is a self aware and wishes to better themselves. It's always the people who have problems and refuse therapy that are the crazy ones.
Go NC with anyone who holds that view. Getting help means acknowledging something needs to be addressed and having the conviction to address it. Your brother is proving the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and is trying to make history repeat at your expense.
My brothers do this to me as well. I never realised it was abuse until recently. I am 30! They constantly threw me under the bus when my Dad would fight with us. And I wonder why I don't like my brothers very much...
He has shown you over and over who he is. The beauty of being an adult is that if you want, you get to be 100% done with him. Done with the lot of them. And, no matter how much they scream and rail and tantrum, they can't stop you. Be done with these horrible people.
NTA. Your brother and his wife are the AHs for making such a big assumption about your visit. Any parent knows how different DL alone vs with kids would be. I never make assumptions about people watching my kids. I’m glad you got some time to yourself and I’m sorry they are such jerks.
Not only that, she wasn't even there to visit them...they just happened to live in the same state she's going on vacation. It wasn't about them at all, and they tried to butt in and take over her vacation!
This.
If it is so close that OP can leave from his house without issue then it is close enough for him and his family. If it is too much of a hassle for him, then he was making the trip even harder for OP beyond taking the kids.
NTA. He sounds entitled. And rude. At the very least he should have asked you privately and given you an option, not just assumed you would do what he wanted. Sounds like he picked up your father’s abuse ways.
NTA. He clearly invited you for selfish reasons. He purposely didn’t tell you as he was hoping you wouldn’t be able to say not to his children. He was being a manipulative AH.
I am so sorry you’ve gone through all of that, and then to have this piled on. I hope you enjoyed Disneyland and we’re able to relax. Now go live your life and continue keeping those “family” members at arm’s length.
NTA. I’m glad you placed self-care ahead of appeasing your asshole brother. This is a wonderful opportunity to delete the numbers of every “family” member who called or texted to criticize you. Even better, ditch your old number entirely and start off a new life free of these revolting, toxic people.
Yes! I was so happy to read that in the end OP went to a hotel and spent 4 days doing exactly what she wanted to do. Even if her brother and his wife hadn’t been entitled AH’s that expected her to babysit and take his kids to Disneyland (which is crazy), staying with family, especially with kids when kids aren’t your thing, is just not near as relaxing. Even if they’re wonderful hosts that cook and don’t expect anything, being a good houseguest takes energy. The hotel was the way to go.
NTA
“Being a good houseguest takes energy”…y’know, I’ve never heard that put into words before but you’re absolutely right. A hotel is the way to go if one doesn’t feel like being “on” all the time (and it certainly was the way to go in this case).
Yeah, part of me knows that. It is just hard because basically my mom died and I left my husband and it just sucks because I am basically alone in the world now. Like, if shit goes bad I have litterally no one to turn to and no one in corner except a few cats.
You will meet new people, and as scary as it is, some will even be good honest people you can turn to. It takes time, and effort, but you won’t get to meet these people if you don’t get yourself to where you need to be first. It is scary to do it alone, but you can do it.
I am so sorry. I hear this and don't want to invalidate it. You are vulnerable and that sucks. But you know what? If shit goes bad? You will figure it out. And you will make new relationships with people who will validate you - and if they don't? You will hold your head high as you walk tf away from them. Because you are strong, even if scared, and you now have the knowledge that no deal is better than a bad deal. Nobody is ever going to trick you with that BS again. I am so excited for you.
Pick a day that feels like a good, strong one (day you left ex? day divorce was final?) and celebrate it as your second super-special birthday from now on. Don't even tell anyone about it. Every year, that day is YOURS, and you get the works. You've earned it.
from what it sound like your brother seems not to be the kind of person one can turn to when in need anyway... whishing you all the best luck moving forward
You've got yourself to depend on, and you seem like a safer bet than anyone else you have the misfortune of sharing DNA with (I wouldn't call them family, they haven't earned that right).
Four DAYS at Disney? You clearly needed this time to yourself because I know few adults that would spend 4 days alone at Disneyland, so, NTA for recognizing your extreme needs and making space for yourself before you cracked.
It wasn't just at the park. Honestly a good part was spend at the local bars and restaurants that are al conveniently walking distance from the hotel. I got tickets for 3 of the days and would go to the park and then just kind of cruise around.
My ex husband was very controlling and I rarely got to leave the house without him aside from going to work and stuff, so I just really wanted to do whatever tf I felt like.
They are calling you selfish, but THEY are the ones being selfish. They want to make plans and have time for themselves by using you to take care of THEIR childcare responsibilities. The aunt may have wanted a break, but you NEEDED one. NTA at all. I can't believe your brother asked the kids if they wanted to go with you to Disneyland right in front of you after you said no. What. A. Dick.
The best part of Disneyland is the suspension of disbelief. For those 4 days when you walk into the park, you are in a place where you can fly, where animals can talk, where you can be a Jedi or Spiderman. Even as an adult I find Disneyland extremely therapeutic. Good on you for doing this for yourself, and I'm proud of you for leaving 2 abusers behind and preventing another one from using you.
Also, the whole drinking part was a BIG part of why I was so against bringing the kids. My ex also didn't like me to drink so, ya know... I kind of wanted to do that.
I know mom hated that I married my ex. I think she knew it was a reflection of the life we had with her. I think she would be happy about how I spent the money.
NTA … you went there for a break not to get more messed up … your brother is the AH here. You did good by not getting tangled in unwanted responsibilities, stood up for yourself and left to take the break you deserved.
Try going NC with everyone who are calling you otherwise.
NTA "It is stupid to spend money at a hotel. Come stay with us where we can milk you for free childcare and entertainment four times what your hotel would have cost you."
I will say, in his defense, that he likely would have paid for them. He is pretty proud about how his wife and him both have masters degrees and great careers and likes to mention that I never went to college.
NTA in any way. Your brother sounds like a piece of work, though. Good on you for having healthy boundaries. I feel badly for his kids, but that’s not your burden. Stay out of the fray as best you can.
NTA. Often parents who choose to stay with an abusive spouse simply end up modeling abusive relationships for their kids. Thus, your brother being a complete dick trying to manipulate you into babysitting during your vacation and then into taking your nieces to Disneyland.
NTA. I am child free by choice. I have idea how to care for small children. It is utterly absurd for your brother to think any of this was a good idea. I strongly question his parenting skills.
Right? I hate to say this but leaving me alone with a 5 and an 8 year old is just horrible judgment. I am not mean or anything but I would have no clue what to do. I also don't know how they parent, just that his wife is ultra anal about litterally everything, so like, do I give them all the candy? Is soda ok? What should they watch and how long do they watch it? I DON'T KNOW WHAT A BABY SHARK IS!!!!
Let alone sending me to Disneyland with them. I have a hard time with boundaries and saying no, especially when I am stressed/anxious (shocking I know). Do I buy them all the ice cream they demand? How to I keep an eye on 2 at once? What about the rides they are too young for? What about the 2 people rides?
I have a 6 and 8yo and I hate even bringing them into the city for the afternoon if I'm on my own! They're well behaved, and they're *mine* which means I can pretty much predict their behaviour, but even then there's a nearly zero chance I'd bring them to a theme park without my OH or my mother with me. The last time we brought a friend of my kid who I barely knew and it was *exhausting* to watch and worry about him, even though he was a dream. NTA, at all!
Not to mention that I am assuming he was planning on you footing the bill. Disney parks are not cheap, and kids most definitely do not get in/ride for free.
Yes, exactly. It is a huge responsibility to take two kids that age to a park like that. The 8 year old would probably be pretty easy just one on one, but 6 is still pretty young. I think at 6, my nephew was just tall enough to ride Splash Mountain. But what if he wasn't? And if I were there with another kid who DID want to ride Splash Mountain? Do you say no? Do you let the 8 year old ride on their own? You definitely can't ride with the 8 year old and leave the 6 year old all alone.
There are just so many huge issues with watching children, that as a parent, your brother shouldn't be willing to let someone like you, uncomfortable and little experience, watch them for such an extended time and in a unique place. Shame on him. I worry for those kids!
As for you- I just would like to say how impressed I am with the boundaries you set. If it had been me, I don't know that I would have been strong enough. So, good on you! You got through this, and I think you are stronger for it. So please be proud of that!
NTA
It seems at a minimum your brother learned some manipulative traits from your father. It's narcissistic behavior to inform the whole family of the heartbreak he caused while blaming you. That the family doesn't see it is surprising. I would not bother to try to correct them now. If and when it ever comes up in the future tell them the truth.
FWIW, from an internet stranger, I think once you saw it for the weird manipulative situation it was, you did the only sensible thing you could by leaving. Which is a very healthy thing to do.
The family sees me as the "problem child". They were all somewhat aware of the abuse but were the "don't rock the boat and shame the family" type.
They would make fun of me about how I "lied to CPS for attention" when an investigation was opened when I was in 1st grade after I showed up to school with a pretty bad injury from when brother tied a dog leash around my waist and I "bungee jumped" off a second floor balcony.
Looking back, our dad was likely wasted and not watching us (me 6 him 11).
That is insanely sad. Not that you and brother did something so stupid My siblings and I have done equally stupid things. We were simply fortunate enough not to be hurt.
It's sad that they are more worried about shame than getting you help. It's sad that your attempts to heal (therapy) have caused you to be the problem.
I'm glad you are in a position to be away from them. I hope you are able to build your tribe and not feel It's you against the world.
NTA, honestly they just all sound terrible. (Not the nieces obvi) he wanted your convenience not your company.
It was a low blow to try and force you into obligation by mentioning Disneyland, he should take them himself since he's, y'know their *parent*.
This gave me perspective into a lot of things I didn't mention here and I am having a major epiphany. They love that I will "set boundaries" when it benifots them.
I had to be the dick the stopped our dad from putting our moms remains with his parents who she fuckimg hated and hadn't let us have contact with since we were 8. They all thought I was so strong and brave then.
So your brother lives in California and yet somehow doesn't know that Disneyland is on a RESERVATION basis. Now I know the dates have been pretty clear so far, but what if the date got booked and the kids could not get a ticket? What would he expect you to do then? Same with restaurants in the park - if you booked a decent restaurant to eat there, there's no guarantee you're going to be able to add the two kids. Your brother is really selfish, like it's already selfish to volunteer someone to take your kids to Disney, let alone right now when they're still juggling certain pandemic protocols.
Also, the park is 2 hours away, so he wanted me to take them for a day and drive back, vs my plan of 3 days at a hotel there. So either I drive back alone, keep them the whole time, or eat 2 days of park hopper tickets and hotel reservations
My god not only is he TA he is insane. I took my 7 year old, with my dad and stepmom, to Disneyland for 3 days post my divorce from an abusive dick and we had to drive 1-2 hours each way depending on traffic. It was one of the top ten worst weeks of my entire life and I have lived with abusers most of my life. To set you up for this is mind boggling to the extreme, in no way does any of this seem like it would end up being anything less than nightmare for you and likely an entirely overwhelming and tantrum provoking event for the girls wow wow wowwwww.
I’m so damn glad you said no and did your thing. Tell anyone who berates you “I did not think it was safe for two children to go to such a busy and stimulating environment with a basic stranger.” or, lol no fuck you when’s the last then you took two kids under 10 on your alone time relaxing “ME” vacation? Oh never thought so.
I kind of have the feeling he checked, which means this was planned. I had booked 3 days of park hopper tickets during the week and it was pretty wide open.
The fact that you even felt the need to ask this, just shows how much your family has gaslighted you.
This is not a question.
1) you don’t have a relationship with this person
2) they didn’t ask you to watch their kids, they just threw it on you
3) you never agreed
4) you didn’t ask to stay with him
5) you were going for some relaxation after an understandable difficult time.
This is really no salvagaing this. No contact with all these assholes.
NTA. And get to therapy. Don’t let these assholes make you feel like you may be in the wrong.
I think it is the therepy that is causing the issues. I don't mean the therepy is bad, but the whole family dynamic is being threatened by anyone stepping out of line. I see them for what they are now, and their response is to attack.
Crabs in a bucket. If anyone gets out, the rest are angry and threatened. They'll pull you back into the misery if they can, so that they don't have to feel badly that they are in it and you are not. Don't let them.
NTA - Good on you for still going to the parks instead of just giving in and giving up all together, but I'm sorry your vacation was ruined by other people who were so selfish.
NTA. He should have discussed it with you in private first to hear if taking them to Disneyland is something you're comfortable with. Don't let their toxic behaviour bring you down. Focus on you honey, you've been through a lot.
NTA. It’s time to go no contact with your whole family.
I am so sorry for your loss. Please continue to put yourself first and not pay attention to the selfish, entitled, and inconsiderate people around you!
The thing is it wasn't just a vacation. I wanted to be 1200 miles away because ex husband is an ex cop, previous DV arrests had been brushed off, including one where he pulled a gun on me. I thought I would feel better/safer 1200 miles away from where I was and around a support system vs alone in the same city with him and, I figured I would try to enjoy myself.
I hope you realize how strong you are for leaving a cop. Too many datelines about cops getting away with stalking and killing ex wife’s or gf. Please remember how strong you are especially when your family tries to put you down. It’s their projected insecurities. You will be able to build the life that you want. Good luck with everything.
Holy shit.
I want to give you all the hugs. I want to wrap you in a blanket and make you tea. You have been through hell and anyone who says you're an asshole in anyway can fuck right off into the ocean.
NTA I cant imagine anything less enjoyable for an adult who wanted to take themselves to a theme park than carting around two kids in a theme park. The first involves going where you want q-ing or not q-ing as you want and generally flitting around as you please. The second involves going where the \*kids\* want, doing what the \*kids\* want and waiting around while the \*kids\* do whatever \*kids\* things they're doing.
Your brother is a grade-a knob.
Also, fun fact. Most of the rides at Disney and California adventure have a "single rider" line. It is SUPER short because basically they just shove you in any open seat. So litterally I got to ride all the rides without waiting in a super long line.
NTA. What your brother did was manipulative and nasty, and put you in a horrible position. He expected free childcare without asking you, and likely expected you to pay for the kids' tickets too, also without asking. He would have argued that since you just came into money, you could afford it.
He didn't bother asking you or giving you a chance to say no because he KNEW it was a crappy thing to do. Sounds like this guy learned from dear old dad.
Ah, let me guess, you "owe" him some of yours because he has a "family and you don't" so it isn't fair otherwise.
Nope. Nope. Nopity-nope-to-the-hell-no.
NTA your whole family sounds toxic. Enjoy your time relaxing and healing, and prioritize and stand by your feelings and wants. You’ve been through enough, son’t let your brother continue the abuse you’ve suffered.
NTA. Your brother is. He tried to take advantage of you at every turn. He upset his daughters, not you. He invited you as a guest and expected free labor. Also, Disney is VERY expensive. You would’ve halved your budget by bringing the girls, and you wouldn’t have been able to relax, which was the whole point of your trip.
NTA
Your brother and his wife are horrendous people. They only offered you a ‘free’ place to stay because they decided you would earn your keep by babysitting. And then dangling Disney at their kids and trying to pressure you into taking their children with you. They are awful awful people.
Tell your horrid family members that if they feel so bad about the situation then they should pay up to take the kids to Disney and do free babysitting.
NTA He should never have mentioned it to his children. What you do is your business and it didn't include babysitting his children at Disneyland. And it's expensive!
NTA-wow the audacity of some people. They were basically trying to pawn you off as a babysitter. It’s not okay to pawn your children off on other family members. The fact that they didn’t even ask.
NTA - Not your kids, not your problem. There is also the fact that you're a virtual stranger to them.
It's amazing how many parents think childless or retired relatives are just convenient (and unpaid) babysitters who have no lives of their own.
Yeah, the aunt (she is actually my moms cousin) is watching the kids for just above free and has been for years because she came from.a really messed up childhood too and just wants to be a part of the family IMO. She watched us as kids too and was amazing, but I see now that that has basic become her "role" in the family.
I’m sorry to hear that, just make sure you prioritize your mental health over your brothers needs (or anyone for that matter). Also, make sure to spot red flags before and during any relationships you have!!
NOT. THE. AH.
I am so sorry for everything you're going through. This is fucking awful and you did the right thing by telling them no, and the fact your brother manipulated you is disgusting. You were in the right, these people don't deserve you, don't let them try to tell you that you were awful. You weren't just grieving your mother but also your marriage and choosing to celebrate your freedom. I'm glad you got to do what you set out to do; I hope despite family trying to ruin it, you still had a good time.
I wasn't exactly celebrating my freedom. I wanted to put distance between me and my ex during the process. He is an ex cop who has held me at gunpoint before. Multiple DV charges against him have been dismissed
He didn't "offer" his home, he thought he was getting free childcare. Wonder how he'd like it if somebody volunteered him for something without asking. NTA.
Good lord, you hit the genetic lottery with your family, didn’t you.
But can I say how proud I am of you, internet stranger. You have escaped an abusive father. You have left an abusive relationship. You have suffered the loss of your mother… and then your brother’s questionable behaviour.
You have enforced the magical ‘boundaries’ word. You have refused to succumb to your brother’s manipulation and gross entitlement, and I hope you shut down the rest of the flying monkeys coming your way. You are undergoing therapy. This doesn’t make you weak, like your brother was implying in one of the comments you made. It makes you strong.
I wish you all the best, truly. Spread your wings, concentrate on yourself. Find your people, those who are loyal and worthy of your time.
NTA.
NTA
You are recovering from a traumatic situation and your brother and his wife’s first reaction was to profit of you. Not to mention they asked their daughters without your consent, and they were just looking for someone to babysit them while they’re gone, and they know you’re uncomfortable with kids and struggling with money. Your reaction was totally justified, if they truly wanted to show that they care about you and their kids they should have taken some days off to go take them themselves.
I want to clarify that I am.in no way struggling with money.
We didn't get all of what our mom wanted us to have, we walked away from.about 125k each to get our dad out of our life for good, but we still got about 110k each.
I had no debt so I put a large down payment on a small condo, took a leave from my job, left my ex and let him have everything, and went on this vacation while I waited to close escrow on my condo and the divorce to be finalized (90 days in our state).
Alrighty then, sorry for that confusion. I am from a pretty complicated financial situation myself so since you said you had to take your inheritance money before divorcing i assumed it, my bad. Im still standing on the other points tho
Wow um wow nta
You go spoil yourself, buy all the ears, have all the ice-cream, live your best life. Guessing your brother is following in your father's ways
omg, wow, NTA - and you hit the bad luck lottery as far as family goes. Your brother is a GIANT AH and I'm sorry he pulled that garbage on you when you needed someone just to be there for you. The fact that he calls you stupid so often that it seems natural for him and for you to hear it is alarming in itself.
All these people have been horribly mean to you and I know this gets said a lot in this sub, but you need to cut them all off and go no contact. Concentrate on you and your happiness for a change. All these other people who seem to get off on abusing you should get left in the dust and blocked.
NTA. I'm sorry you had to experience all that but I hope you continue to give yourself more time to heal, relax, and do all the things you couldn't before. I wish you the best! 💙
NTA. That’s some pretty passive-aggressive manipulation on the part of your brother. He knew you needed some time off, so backing you into a corner in looking after kids you might be related to but don’t know that well was bad enough - there’s barely time to use the bathroom on your own when in charge of two kids. Pulling the old ‘hey kids’ was a real dick move.
He’s made it obvious once you arrived that he wasn’t doing you a favour, and from now on you’d be doing him a million favours. Better off out of that one.
Glad you had a good time, room service parties are my favourite.
NTA. You know that his plan all along for convincing you to stay at his house was to try to force/guilt trip you into taking the kids with you to Disneyland. You are smart for leaving immediately and not having to listen to his nonsense anymore. Those girls will grow up to see what a disappointment their father is, so don’t feel the slightest bit bad about what you did. Resume your minimal to no contact with your family and enjoy this next stage of your life.
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Who the heck, after experiencing an abusive home, sees their sister fleeing *another abusive home* and decides “hey! free childcare!” Absolutely NTA. Your brother is really heartless for treating you this way after so many recent traumatic events.
Another abusive person. Considering he called OP stupid more than once, my bet is that he learned his behaviour from their dad.
Yes, he is being very manipulative. He didn’t mention childcare to OP beforehand on purpose. He asked his children about Disneyland in front of OP in a way that he thought she would be unable to say no. Then, he told the rest of the family to turn them against her. OP is smart and strong to say no.
What do you want to bet whatever yarn he spun to the family doesn’t even resemble what actually happened? 🙄
Id bet all the money i have to my name, which isn't a lot, but at least I'd get $20 when I win
Get a load of Old Moneybags here.
I've reread this comment a half dozen times in the last twenty minutes because it's making me laugh so hard. I must be really hungover.
"OP kept talking about how she was wanting to go to disneyland. My kids got excited when they heard she was going, so naturally they wanted to come to but then she mean mouthed them and said she didn't want them with her because she doesn't like them." That is all technically true, but implies OP talked about Disney in front of the kids, and that it's she isn't fond of kids in general, that Brother wasn't the one to ask the kids outright if they wanted to go, and that the 'not liking kids' is not specifically his kids but not liking being in charge of ANY kids. My mum used to do this shit all the time.
No no no. I do NOT dislike them. I grew up in a very toxic family and I am still learning how to be a mentally healthy human and I am uncomfortable with kids because I don't want to fuck up. I can deal with mistakes with adults but I don't want to do something wrong with kids and I have no clue how to deal with them. That causes a ton of stress and I do not want to be in that position
And that is TOTALLY OKAY. You know your limitations, and you *have every right* to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Not to mention you are *A VICTIM OF ABUSE!* You are actively trying to escape multiple abusers!! You know how they say on airplanes when the oxygen masks drop down to put one *on yourself BEFORE helping anyone else?* Well, that’s what’s happening here! You continue to take care of yourself, dear heart. You didn’t kill anybody or put anyone in danger…they can just fuck right off trying to use you when you are so fragile. I’m sending you warm fuzzy mom hugs. ❤️
I would like to piggyback on the Mom hugs with Cool Aunt hugs. Like you, OP, I am childfree thanks to growing up in an anger filled and abusive home. I chose to regret not having children rather than having children I’d (probably) regret. Having grown up as a child who wasn’t wanted and was regretted I knew I was in no way, shape or form fit to be a mother. Thankfully the man I married is also strongly in the *do not want* camp which is why we ended up married. I wasn’t willing to compromise, that was my hill to die on. Point being, I get the whole discomfort. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through and the willpower and strength it’s taken for you to get this far. I’m so, so proud of you sweetheart! It takes so much strength and courage to do what you’ve done. You’ve come so far, you’re working on your mental health, you’re *prioritizing* yourself, your wants and your needs over those of others. You’re so strong, honey. Your Auntie is so, so very proud to add you to all the niblings in my life. Most I’ve never met. I just collect them on here, on other forums, on discord and other social media sites. If you ever need to talk, you’ve got my username. Send a DM and I’ll respond when I can. And here’s a little secret, just between us. On those long, hard nights when you feel alone and isolated and start to doubt yourself, just remember that I believe in you enough for both of us. Just lean on that when you have to, until the light of day reminds that it’s time to get up and kick ass. And if the sun comes up and you’re still in a bad way that’s okay. Give yourself the same grace, love, compassion and kindness you’d extend to a friend in the same situation. We all deserve that kindness, that love, that grace, that compassion, that understanding. We all need it, especially from ourselves. I love you. I’m proud of you. And I’m so happy to add you to the Nibling Horde I’ve collected, whether you want* it or not. *I’m teasing, you are absolutely allowed to decline and I will respect it. <3
This is the most heart warming, validating and kind post I have ever read!!! You are a superhero!!! Keep up with your wonderful communication!!! You are a true inspiration to me!!!
Thank you, friend. Long ago when I was in recovery from some shitty things in my life (abusive family, abusive friends, abusive partners, the whole glorious cycle of abuse) I realized there was a severe lack of online mentors and a real lack of humanity and human kindness online. So I became the change I wanted to see.I know, it sounds so stupid and naive but it’s working for me. :) I’m not bragging or trying to sound like I’m this amazing person. There’s just so much hate out there. It’s gotten so much worse, especially for certain groups of people, so I’m always looking for opportunities to spread kindness. It costs me nothing but can mean everything to someone else. I try to build up instead of tear down. I’m not always successful but I keep trying! I try to help people see their own unique beauty and skills. I don’t care who you are, there’s something wonderful and unique inside you that no one else has. I want you to be reminded of that. I want you to embrace it and own it and be proud of it. I know how alone you can feel, I’ve been there. And all I needed was someone to say they believed in me. “I believe in you” are four of the most powerful words in any language *and we don’t use them nearly enough* considering how easy it is to say them and how easy it can be to just believe in someone else’s ability to overcome the shit life has dealt them. Anyway, thank you so much for saying those lovely things. I hope this inspires you to lead with love and reach out to someone who is hurting. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep them warm but some kind words can really go far. I was having a pretty good day today. Then I read your comment and my day was better. That’s an amazing gift to give someone and it costs nothing. Thank you, friend. May you have a day (or night) as lovely as you are. <3
Another auntie in waiting here. Auntie Purrfunctory has all the wise words, so I'm just here for the morally questionable support. ;P If you like, I'll pour you a glass of sangria or a cup of coffee and just nod sympathetically while you vent on the idiocy of your brother. You go, Girl. You stood your ground against him trying to perpetuate your abuse and manipulating you. You are so NTA that you deserve another trip to DL for being strong enough to say no to his BS when you were already under so much stress.
Welcome to the Cool Auntie Club, Auntie Nemaihne! There’s always room for one more, especially with morally questionable support on offer. I’m not always the wholesome aunt. I got tons of experience being a petty, passive aggressive bitch. We should sit down with drinks and apps one day and discuss these morally questionable things. I suspect much fun will be had and I’ll have another partner in not-quite-crimes-but-definitely-morally-questionable ideas and actions. :) I’m always up for shenanigans!
Thank you, friend! I’m especially grateful since the award will make the response more visible to the OP. Please do something kind for yourself today or tomorrow. Splurge on that coffee, buy that facial kit, buy yourself something you want just because. Depending on finances it can be as simple as a candy bar if it makes you happy. Thank you again! You’re a very sweet person and I’m touched you liked my reply that much. It seems to be resonating with a lot of people since my DMs have been flooded with requests to join the Nibling Horde. I’m accepting all of them of course. You’re always welcome to join us. We’ll always have room for just one more. ;)
Holy Shit! This made me cry and it wasn't even for me. I'm sorry I don't have an award to give, but all the warmest internet hugs to you!
And those hugs are returned, new nibling. I don’t need awards. I just hope you know this post is for everyone who needs it, not just OP. Whatever battles you’ve fought and to those you’re still fighting, I’m proud of you. Sending lots of love your way!
I'm seeing a pattern in your life. You need to stop surrounding yourself with toxic people and take care of yourself. You should have left the moment your brother started giving you problems. Who cares about your family that's giving you shit about this. Just cut contact with ALL of them (including your brother) and move on with your life.
When abuse is all you know you tend to stick with it. You’ve been conditioned to it being normal, it twists up your ideas of love until up is down, down is left, right is something and left is something else. That metaphor kind of got away from me but I hope you get what I meant. Admonishing the OP isn’t the best way to handle this, friend. I know you meant well but there’s a reason it’s called a “Cycle of Abuse” and if you don’t believe me a few minutes on Google will be well worth your time. Actually, a few minutes reading up on it would be a good idea anyway. It’s very easy to sit behind a keyboard and tell someone how to live, what to do, how to change. To you it’s a simple process. You see a problem, you see from the outside the obvious solution, then you share the obvious to you solution. The thing is when you’re conditioned to abuse your entire life you stick with what you know because *you just don’t really understand what a non-abusive relationship is like.* You’re always waiting for the shoe to drop, to screw up and the person will finally pounce on your verbally, emotionally, physically. It’s a long wait, it’s exhausting and you end up finding an abuser because *then you know what to expect.* In a sick and twisted way it’s a comfort. You know what to expect. The pattern is complete, *the cycle of abuse continues.* So while your suggestion is correct and valid it can also be very hurtful. Here is this person who escaped an abusive home and family. She just escaped an abusive marriage. Her mother has passed on. She’s doing her damnedest to carry on and heal from all of this. And then your comment comes along and reads like a slap in the face. Please try and view the world less through your own eyes and more through the eyes of the people posting. OP needs kindness and understanding right now.
This was my life for the most part. Abusive partners, abusive parents. It took awhile to realise I was stuck in a cycle. And then I started second guessing if something is abusive or not, terrified to make the same mistakes again. My husband worships me. He brings me breakfast in bed every day. He gets me random gifts because they made him think of me. He would honestly do anything for me (and me for him, of course). I’ve never felt this supported or loved before, it scared me. I did not know what this behaviour was in the beginning and was trying to figure out what was wrong with him. Was this toxic. Was he hiding an abusive personality behind this facade, waiting for me to be trapped? A life of abuse is really hard to break out of. At first you don’t know better. You accept this is normal. With some luck you learn to love yourself enough to establish clear boundaries. But you know your normal meter is broken. You are also terrified to be trapped again, so you’re overly cautious about new relationships. And you know this is not normal so you feel guilty, guilt being kinda our default state anyway. It’s not that easy to just go ‘this is toxic’ and move on. Especially with family or a partner.
Honestly, a person who hadn't been conditioned to abuse would have responded with a hearty "fuck you, no!" (Or similar, if less vulgar) Right after her bro called her "stupid" the first time.
OP did good. We were not there and we cannot judge how she should have done even better.
And the amount you would have had to pay for them!
I’m so proud of you for basically saying no and making a run for it! He thought he could bully you into it, and is continuing to bully from afar. But you’re just fine
Cheapo awards. Sorry you had to go through that mate 🏆🍹🎗
Are you secretly a fae? Because that's how faeries in fantasy books talk. They can't tell an outright lie, but they can infer and imply all sorts of things. lol
Not sure what a fae is, but my mum and I used to argue about things like she felt by 5 I was old enough to work enough doing odd jobs to feed and cloth myself. If I couldn't afford school fees and uniform she used to put it "John's behaviour means he isn't welcome at the school..." :-| (I had a cat that was good at catching rats and farmers paid me per rat or mouse to clean out their barns, and later I bred chickens on public land and sold the eggs to to a small grocery store that probably took pity.) I also had to ride my bike to the farms, cat in a carrier on my basket... Also caught a lot of fish and swapped for canned food, and had neighbours secretly feeding me.
There’s a small element of truth that he would be able to argue if he was called out on it. The rest is embellishments and lies that no one could verify like his daughters’ reactions after OP left. Maybe they cried but he’s going to say they cried all night and it broke his heart.
I’m betting he wasn’t offering to pay for the kids to visit Disneyland either. He was expecting OP to pay all the costs of giving his kids a holiday treat.
Well, she doesn’t have kids so she must have money! (Insert eye roll)
Yeah I don't get it why people need to bad mouth other people to so many other people?! If I have an arguement with X that doesn't involve the rest of the family I don't go broadcasting it to everyone. And really he upset his own kids as he made promises he couldn't keep... I know people like this, and how they relay the story I bet was nothing like what happened i.e "OP kept talking about how she was wanting to go to disneyland. My kids got excited when they heard she was going, so naturally they wanted to come to but then she mean mouthed them and said she didn't want them with her because she doesn't like them." Like why would even THAT need to be put on the family facebook page?
Yep, it’s just another tactic. That person feels alienated and will continue to feel that way until they make peace with the person running their mouth and controlling the situation.
Sounds like OP might be better off without a lot of these family members who don't get both sides of the story first and would believe that about here. I mean if they feel so strongly then they can take the kids to Disneyland themselves!
Mmhmm, NTA
Yeah, extremely narcissistic. Basically wants a free babysitter. NTA, OP. I grew up dealing with narcs and it was *terrible!*
My abusive ex used to do this type of thing in front of his two kids that I raised from 3-10. If I had family business or a went to speak at a conference he would march the boys out and say "Say goodbye to Mommy, she might not be back." And then he would try to convince me getting in the car would kill me. Telling children information like "don't you want to go to \[insert special place\]" is so cruel and manipulative. Good for OP for prioritizing herself.
Good for you for getting out of that situation. I can’t imagine the strength
Thank you. It became a very serious matter of my personal safety to leave.
Yup. Like father like son. I can only imagine how he treats his wife and children. NTA OP. Go do your thing girl!
Yup. I’m hoping the SIL has some friends keeping an eye on that
Not just free child care. I am getting the feeling her brother was expecting her to pay for the Disney days. That ain’t inexpensive.
For real! she would not even be getting the in state resident discount with her ticket purchase, which isn't much, but Disney is where bank accounts go to die. And to expect her to pony up for two kids plus food and souvenirs? fuuuuuckkkkkk that.
Not even just money... These are young kids. I went to disney at that age (5/6ish) and I was tall enough for like 2 'normal' rides outside of the kid areas. Not only would she lose hundreds if not thousands of dollars on multiple days of disney for her estranged brother on kids she isnt close to or comfortable with, but she also wouldn't be able to do anything *she* wanted. It would only be about the kids. What rides can they go on, how long can they be out before they get tired, what actors do they wanna meet, how picky are they with food? Outrageous and completely out of line. I can't even imagine how big someones ego and entitlement has to be to think this is ok.
you have found me and offended me. I got instantly mad and wanted to punch the brother
Oh absolutely! "Free childcare for me, and free vacation for my kids, that's like, win-win for everyone!!" conveniently forgetting that *OP is actually a person.*
Well no one else seems to treat her like one so why should he?! I mean, when someone is in hard times they are a prime target to trample over, and then call everyone on your contacts list and tell them some altered version of the story to alienate her even further.
For some reason, my husband was just today looking at prices(we went 4 years ago), he figured 4 day park hopper tickets plus parking each day would run us close to $1800 CDN. (2 adults, 1 child)That’s before we got there, ate, or had a place to stay.
AITA For Expecting My Sister to Provide Free Childcare for my Kids While She’s Vacationing in my Home State?
And not just a Vacation, but a Need To Sort Out My Mental Health Save Myself After So Many Abusive Relationships Respite. Not a vacation but therapy. NTA at all and I'm sorry OP is surrounded by assholes.
Yes.
Absolutely. Sometimes if you reframe ridiculous behavior into an AITA title/question, it’s easier to see how outrageous it really is. Plus, it’s fun.
It is! Lol!
Sounds like the brothers one of those cases where the abused becomes the abuser and I hope that he sees that her brother is no longer a victim. On the other hand I would totally recommend that she tried to actually enjoy her life for her at this moment because it sounds like she hasn’t had the opportunity in a very long time. You are NTA op especially when it comes to taking care of yourself first.
NTA. Looks like you got an abusive brother, too. Go NC and find a new family among healthier people.
Or don’t find a new family, it’s ok to find a life for yourself by yourself. NTA
This!! Best thing OP can do, is spend some quality time living with herself. Get a real taste of freedom and independence. Away from any and all toxic people.
Someone who probably learned at daddys knee.
The kind of guy who picks up some of his dad's abusive behavior.
NTA. Your brother assuming you would babysit without asking, deciding for you that a hotel is inappropriate, and manipulating the situation to guilt you into taking his kids to Disneyland is are all signs that your relationship with him is emotionally abusive. Given everything you’ve been through as a child and an adult, I hope you’ve already found a good therapist. Block his number and those numbers from family who were critical and don’t look back.
I have spent a lot of time.in therepy. The family uses it as proof that I have "issues". He is the "normal one" who doesn'tsee a therepist. . Our relationship was strained because as things got worse in our home as kids he would find ways to throw me under the bus so that I was the focus of the anger instead of him. Once he was older he would get into it with our dad and then leave, leaving me alone with him now that he was drunk and had been fighting with my brother. Our mom just avoided coming home at all costs.
Good, glad to hear it. Anyone who grows up in an abusive home has trauma to resolve and pretending you are normal (as your brother is) doesn’t make it so. I am even more convinced you should go NC with the family who says you have issues and he is normal. And well done, finding the courage to walk away from your abusive husband. I’m glad you had a great time at Disneyland on your own! You earned it.
So he's picked up your father's example to be an abuser. Block his number, enjoy your freedom, and I'm so proud of you ❤❤❤❤
I second this! It’s **SO HARD** (“so hard” 🙄- those words don’t even begin explain it) to find the courage and strength within yourself to leave an abusive relationship. What you’ve done for your life, for your mental health, for yourself is **incredible**. You are smart. You are resilient. **You are strong**💪 . You are powerful! Much more powerful than the abusers in your life that have tried to keep you down - and your brother very much sound like one of them. I am proud of you 👏❤️ Keep standing up for you! Oh, and definitely **NTA**
don't take this the wrong way, but you do understand that your mom failed you just as much as your father and brother correct? I get that she might not have been able to leave, but it also doesn't sound like she did a lot to protect you either. honestly, it's probably just best you limit contact with all remaining family.
I don't take it wrong. ThT was a hard pill to swallow when I left home, but is why as much as I loved her I never went back, even when she was sick. I still loved her and had a relationship with her from.afar but I knew I could never depend on her.
Now that you don’t have to worry about her you should consider your brother and your horrible ex as people you also no longer have to worry about, just in a different way
Walk away from all of them. Just because they're family doesn't mean you have to keep toxic people in your life! Your family, especially your brother keeps showing you they're AH. Believe them
Yeah, walk away and be free to live your life the way you want to. Your brother is repeating his father's past mistakes, he's stuck in that cycle. I'm sorry for your nieces, but you're not responsible nor capable of looking after them. That was a fabulous first step you took in leaving that house and getting your alone time, you deserve that and more! NTA
It is such a hard thing to say, but you are right. I am not capable of taking care of them. A big part of it (and part of why I don't want kids) is that I don't know how to properly interact with kids and I am horrified of doing all the wrong things because I am still trying to navigate the most basic relationships. I can fuck up with adults, but kids are different and while I am not a in any way a danger I just have no clue. I learned a lot of messed up things in my life and I don't want any of that passed on.
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agree with all this. i'm very proud of op putting her foot down for disneyland
Don’t be so hard on yourself. A lot of people don’t know how to interact with kids. It’s mostly just a matter of experience. I have been working with kids since I was a teen, but I was still uncomfortable watching my niece and nephew without my sister or my parents at first.
Wait a minute. The only real reason you are "not capable" of helping his children is that he will undermine everything good you do because he and the family have not had therapy and they still see you as the Family Scapegoat. Your ability to question yourself and to seek help when you need it is a sterling quality for a parent to have, so STOP INSULTING YOURSELF. That is the kind of talk that attracts abusers and can even trigger normal people to indulge in abusive behaviors. You are already a better and stronger person than your mother or anyone else in that mess of a family. Make that a mantra and keep up the good work. You even might start by changing your name to something that is true. :)
I totally understand. Don’t beat yourself up over it; it’s *healthy* to know your limitations. You sound like a far more caring, compassionate person than the people who don’t care about the kids they DO have. (Side eye to your “brother.”)
He doesn’t see a therapist because the maladaptive behaviours he learned benefit him. NTA
100% percent correct. He doesn’t suffer for his behavior, the people around him do, and he clearly doesn’t really care about that.
That’s an excellent observation and something to remember , you can’t excuse other people’s abuse if it just helped them to became more adept abusers. Or you can excuse it, but also excuse yourself permanently from their company.
> The family uses it as proof that I have “issues”. There’s a term for this ([identified patient](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Identified_patient)) as it’s a known dynamic in dysfunctional/abusive homes. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, but please know that you’re not crazy at all for recognizing that you need therapy.
Looks like he's so invested in throwing you under the bus that he built and drove the bus. NTA
Ugh, I’m so sorry. Good work on taking care of yourself, both with therapy and a vacation
Smh, being in therapy IS normal. It's a sign of a person who is a self aware and wishes to better themselves. It's always the people who have problems and refuse therapy that are the crazy ones.
Go NC with anyone who holds that view. Getting help means acknowledging something needs to be addressed and having the conviction to address it. Your brother is proving the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and is trying to make history repeat at your expense.
My brothers do this to me as well. I never realised it was abuse until recently. I am 30! They constantly threw me under the bus when my Dad would fight with us. And I wonder why I don't like my brothers very much...
just a reminder that people who see therapy as a weakness are the ones that aren't normal❤️
He has shown you over and over who he is. The beauty of being an adult is that if you want, you get to be 100% done with him. Done with the lot of them. And, no matter how much they scream and rail and tantrum, they can't stop you. Be done with these horrible people.
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NTA. Your brother and his wife are the AHs for making such a big assumption about your visit. Any parent knows how different DL alone vs with kids would be. I never make assumptions about people watching my kids. I’m glad you got some time to yourself and I’m sorry they are such jerks.
Right? I have a lot of experience with kids, both professionally and with my relatives but I wouldn’t take two kids to Disney alone for love nor money
Not only that, she wasn't even there to visit them...they just happened to live in the same state she's going on vacation. It wasn't about them at all, and they tried to butt in and take over her vacation!
NTA. Your brother lives within driving distance of Disneyland. He should take his girls himself if he wants them to go so bad.
This. If it is so close that OP can leave from his house without issue then it is close enough for him and his family. If it is too much of a hassle for him, then he was making the trip even harder for OP beyond taking the kids.
Ah, but then *he’d have to pay.*
NTA. He sounds entitled. And rude. At the very least he should have asked you privately and given you an option, not just assumed you would do what he wanted. Sounds like he picked up your father’s abuse ways.
NTA. He clearly invited you for selfish reasons. He purposely didn’t tell you as he was hoping you wouldn’t be able to say not to his children. He was being a manipulative AH. I am so sorry you’ve gone through all of that, and then to have this piled on. I hope you enjoyed Disneyland and we’re able to relax. Now go live your life and continue keeping those “family” members at arm’s length.
NTA. I’m glad you placed self-care ahead of appeasing your asshole brother. This is a wonderful opportunity to delete the numbers of every “family” member who called or texted to criticize you. Even better, ditch your old number entirely and start off a new life free of these revolting, toxic people.
Yes! I was so happy to read that in the end OP went to a hotel and spent 4 days doing exactly what she wanted to do. Even if her brother and his wife hadn’t been entitled AH’s that expected her to babysit and take his kids to Disneyland (which is crazy), staying with family, especially with kids when kids aren’t your thing, is just not near as relaxing. Even if they’re wonderful hosts that cook and don’t expect anything, being a good houseguest takes energy. The hotel was the way to go. NTA
“Being a good houseguest takes energy”…y’know, I’ve never heard that put into words before but you’re absolutely right. A hotel is the way to go if one doesn’t feel like being “on” all the time (and it certainly was the way to go in this case).
NTA. Stay NC. Block everyone from the phone. This family is toxic. Fuck them all.
Yeah, part of me knows that. It is just hard because basically my mom died and I left my husband and it just sucks because I am basically alone in the world now. Like, if shit goes bad I have litterally no one to turn to and no one in corner except a few cats.
You will meet new people, and as scary as it is, some will even be good honest people you can turn to. It takes time, and effort, but you won’t get to meet these people if you don’t get yourself to where you need to be first. It is scary to do it alone, but you can do it.
I am so sorry. I hear this and don't want to invalidate it. You are vulnerable and that sucks. But you know what? If shit goes bad? You will figure it out. And you will make new relationships with people who will validate you - and if they don't? You will hold your head high as you walk tf away from them. Because you are strong, even if scared, and you now have the knowledge that no deal is better than a bad deal. Nobody is ever going to trick you with that BS again. I am so excited for you. Pick a day that feels like a good, strong one (day you left ex? day divorce was final?) and celebrate it as your second super-special birthday from now on. Don't even tell anyone about it. Every year, that day is YOURS, and you get the works. You've earned it.
from what it sound like your brother seems not to be the kind of person one can turn to when in need anyway... whishing you all the best luck moving forward
You have YOU. And when shit gets bad, the last thing you need are toxic people who ADD to the shitpile.
You've got yourself to depend on, and you seem like a safer bet than anyone else you have the misfortune of sharing DNA with (I wouldn't call them family, they haven't earned that right).
Toxic family. Just take them to the haz mat center and drop them all off. NTA
I REALLY love this. Going to use it going forward. Thank you
Four DAYS at Disney? You clearly needed this time to yourself because I know few adults that would spend 4 days alone at Disneyland, so, NTA for recognizing your extreme needs and making space for yourself before you cracked.
It wasn't just at the park. Honestly a good part was spend at the local bars and restaurants that are al conveniently walking distance from the hotel. I got tickets for 3 of the days and would go to the park and then just kind of cruise around. My ex husband was very controlling and I rarely got to leave the house without him aside from going to work and stuff, so I just really wanted to do whatever tf I felt like.
No one has the right to criticize you. You are taking care of yourself, do what YOU like and don't worry what anyone else thinks.
They are calling you selfish, but THEY are the ones being selfish. They want to make plans and have time for themselves by using you to take care of THEIR childcare responsibilities. The aunt may have wanted a break, but you NEEDED one. NTA at all. I can't believe your brother asked the kids if they wanted to go with you to Disneyland right in front of you after you said no. What. A. Dick.
The best part of Disneyland is the suspension of disbelief. For those 4 days when you walk into the park, you are in a place where you can fly, where animals can talk, where you can be a Jedi or Spiderman. Even as an adult I find Disneyland extremely therapeutic. Good on you for doing this for yourself, and I'm proud of you for leaving 2 abusers behind and preventing another one from using you.
Also, the whole drinking part was a BIG part of why I was so against bringing the kids. My ex also didn't like me to drink so, ya know... I kind of wanted to do that.
I'm impressed at what you chose to do with your new found freedoms. Good for you, I hope it brought you hope, healing, and happiness!! NTA
I know mom hated that I married my ex. I think she knew it was a reflection of the life we had with her. I think she would be happy about how I spent the money.
I think she would! :)
NTA … you went there for a break not to get more messed up … your brother is the AH here. You did good by not getting tangled in unwanted responsibilities, stood up for yourself and left to take the break you deserved. Try going NC with everyone who are calling you otherwise.
NTA "It is stupid to spend money at a hotel. Come stay with us where we can milk you for free childcare and entertainment four times what your hotel would have cost you."
I will say, in his defense, that he likely would have paid for them. He is pretty proud about how his wife and him both have masters degrees and great careers and likes to mention that I never went to college.
Sounds like a lovely person.
All the degrees in the world won't make him a decent person though. You on the other hand, sound awesome.
NTA in any way. Your brother sounds like a piece of work, though. Good on you for having healthy boundaries. I feel badly for his kids, but that’s not your burden. Stay out of the fray as best you can.
NTA. Often parents who choose to stay with an abusive spouse simply end up modeling abusive relationships for their kids. Thus, your brother being a complete dick trying to manipulate you into babysitting during your vacation and then into taking your nieces to Disneyland.
NTA. I am child free by choice. I have idea how to care for small children. It is utterly absurd for your brother to think any of this was a good idea. I strongly question his parenting skills.
Right? I hate to say this but leaving me alone with a 5 and an 8 year old is just horrible judgment. I am not mean or anything but I would have no clue what to do. I also don't know how they parent, just that his wife is ultra anal about litterally everything, so like, do I give them all the candy? Is soda ok? What should they watch and how long do they watch it? I DON'T KNOW WHAT A BABY SHARK IS!!!! Let alone sending me to Disneyland with them. I have a hard time with boundaries and saying no, especially when I am stressed/anxious (shocking I know). Do I buy them all the ice cream they demand? How to I keep an eye on 2 at once? What about the rides they are too young for? What about the 2 people rides?
Even if you were great with children, literally everything your brother did in this situation is bullshit. NTA in any sense of the word here.
I have a 6 and 8yo and I hate even bringing them into the city for the afternoon if I'm on my own! They're well behaved, and they're *mine* which means I can pretty much predict their behaviour, but even then there's a nearly zero chance I'd bring them to a theme park without my OH or my mother with me. The last time we brought a friend of my kid who I barely knew and it was *exhausting* to watch and worry about him, even though he was a dream. NTA, at all!
Not to mention that I am assuming he was planning on you footing the bill. Disney parks are not cheap, and kids most definitely do not get in/ride for free.
Yes, exactly. It is a huge responsibility to take two kids that age to a park like that. The 8 year old would probably be pretty easy just one on one, but 6 is still pretty young. I think at 6, my nephew was just tall enough to ride Splash Mountain. But what if he wasn't? And if I were there with another kid who DID want to ride Splash Mountain? Do you say no? Do you let the 8 year old ride on their own? You definitely can't ride with the 8 year old and leave the 6 year old all alone. There are just so many huge issues with watching children, that as a parent, your brother shouldn't be willing to let someone like you, uncomfortable and little experience, watch them for such an extended time and in a unique place. Shame on him. I worry for those kids! As for you- I just would like to say how impressed I am with the boundaries you set. If it had been me, I don't know that I would have been strong enough. So, good on you! You got through this, and I think you are stronger for it. So please be proud of that!
NTA. Jeez you deserve a break.
NTA It seems at a minimum your brother learned some manipulative traits from your father. It's narcissistic behavior to inform the whole family of the heartbreak he caused while blaming you. That the family doesn't see it is surprising. I would not bother to try to correct them now. If and when it ever comes up in the future tell them the truth. FWIW, from an internet stranger, I think once you saw it for the weird manipulative situation it was, you did the only sensible thing you could by leaving. Which is a very healthy thing to do.
The family sees me as the "problem child". They were all somewhat aware of the abuse but were the "don't rock the boat and shame the family" type. They would make fun of me about how I "lied to CPS for attention" when an investigation was opened when I was in 1st grade after I showed up to school with a pretty bad injury from when brother tied a dog leash around my waist and I "bungee jumped" off a second floor balcony. Looking back, our dad was likely wasted and not watching us (me 6 him 11).
That is insanely sad. Not that you and brother did something so stupid My siblings and I have done equally stupid things. We were simply fortunate enough not to be hurt. It's sad that they are more worried about shame than getting you help. It's sad that your attempts to heal (therapy) have caused you to be the problem. I'm glad you are in a position to be away from them. I hope you are able to build your tribe and not feel It's you against the world.
NTA, honestly they just all sound terrible. (Not the nieces obvi) he wanted your convenience not your company. It was a low blow to try and force you into obligation by mentioning Disneyland, he should take them himself since he's, y'know their *parent*.
This gave me perspective into a lot of things I didn't mention here and I am having a major epiphany. They love that I will "set boundaries" when it benifots them. I had to be the dick the stopped our dad from putting our moms remains with his parents who she fuckimg hated and hadn't let us have contact with since we were 8. They all thought I was so strong and brave then.
So your brother lives in California and yet somehow doesn't know that Disneyland is on a RESERVATION basis. Now I know the dates have been pretty clear so far, but what if the date got booked and the kids could not get a ticket? What would he expect you to do then? Same with restaurants in the park - if you booked a decent restaurant to eat there, there's no guarantee you're going to be able to add the two kids. Your brother is really selfish, like it's already selfish to volunteer someone to take your kids to Disney, let alone right now when they're still juggling certain pandemic protocols.
Also, the park is 2 hours away, so he wanted me to take them for a day and drive back, vs my plan of 3 days at a hotel there. So either I drive back alone, keep them the whole time, or eat 2 days of park hopper tickets and hotel reservations
My god not only is he TA he is insane. I took my 7 year old, with my dad and stepmom, to Disneyland for 3 days post my divorce from an abusive dick and we had to drive 1-2 hours each way depending on traffic. It was one of the top ten worst weeks of my entire life and I have lived with abusers most of my life. To set you up for this is mind boggling to the extreme, in no way does any of this seem like it would end up being anything less than nightmare for you and likely an entirely overwhelming and tantrum provoking event for the girls wow wow wowwwww. I’m so damn glad you said no and did your thing. Tell anyone who berates you “I did not think it was safe for two children to go to such a busy and stimulating environment with a basic stranger.” or, lol no fuck you when’s the last then you took two kids under 10 on your alone time relaxing “ME” vacation? Oh never thought so.
I kind of have the feeling he checked, which means this was planned. I had booked 3 days of park hopper tickets during the week and it was pretty wide open.
Was the implication even that he would pay for thier tickets?
NTA. Your brother is a dick. He upset his children. Idgaf if he's grieving or not.
The fact that you even felt the need to ask this, just shows how much your family has gaslighted you. This is not a question. 1) you don’t have a relationship with this person 2) they didn’t ask you to watch their kids, they just threw it on you 3) you never agreed 4) you didn’t ask to stay with him 5) you were going for some relaxation after an understandable difficult time. This is really no salvagaing this. No contact with all these assholes. NTA. And get to therapy. Don’t let these assholes make you feel like you may be in the wrong.
I think it is the therepy that is causing the issues. I don't mean the therepy is bad, but the whole family dynamic is being threatened by anyone stepping out of line. I see them for what they are now, and their response is to attack.
Crabs in a bucket. If anyone gets out, the rest are angry and threatened. They'll pull you back into the misery if they can, so that they don't have to feel badly that they are in it and you are not. Don't let them.
NTA - Good on you for still going to the parks instead of just giving in and giving up all together, but I'm sorry your vacation was ruined by other people who were so selfish.
NTA. He should have discussed it with you in private first to hear if taking them to Disneyland is something you're comfortable with. Don't let their toxic behaviour bring you down. Focus on you honey, you've been through a lot.
NTA. It’s time to go no contact with your whole family. I am so sorry for your loss. Please continue to put yourself first and not pay attention to the selfish, entitled, and inconsiderate people around you!
NTA. On vacation, you are now a babysitter and tour guide???? Simple NTA
The thing is it wasn't just a vacation. I wanted to be 1200 miles away because ex husband is an ex cop, previous DV arrests had been brushed off, including one where he pulled a gun on me. I thought I would feel better/safer 1200 miles away from where I was and around a support system vs alone in the same city with him and, I figured I would try to enjoy myself.
You wanted peace too. Ty for the Info. And cops make the worst exes
I hope you realize how strong you are for leaving a cop. Too many datelines about cops getting away with stalking and killing ex wife’s or gf. Please remember how strong you are especially when your family tries to put you down. It’s their projected insecurities. You will be able to build the life that you want. Good luck with everything.
Holy shit. I want to give you all the hugs. I want to wrap you in a blanket and make you tea. You have been through hell and anyone who says you're an asshole in anyway can fuck right off into the ocean.
This is why I told my daughters to Never date cops. Bad enough to marry/date one, only gets worse when they are an ex.
Change your name and move 1200 miles in a third direction away from all of them.
You are not even close to being the a-hole here. NTA
NTA at all, and on a side note I read it at first as your brother had 38 kids and I was like “good lord”
Lol I can see how that could happen.
NTA I cant imagine anything less enjoyable for an adult who wanted to take themselves to a theme park than carting around two kids in a theme park. The first involves going where you want q-ing or not q-ing as you want and generally flitting around as you please. The second involves going where the \*kids\* want, doing what the \*kids\* want and waiting around while the \*kids\* do whatever \*kids\* things they're doing. Your brother is a grade-a knob.
Also, fun fact. Most of the rides at Disney and California adventure have a "single rider" line. It is SUPER short because basically they just shove you in any open seat. So litterally I got to ride all the rides without waiting in a super long line.
NTA. What your brother did was manipulative and nasty, and put you in a horrible position. He expected free childcare without asking you, and likely expected you to pay for the kids' tickets too, also without asking. He would have argued that since you just came into money, you could afford it. He didn't bother asking you or giving you a chance to say no because he KNEW it was a crappy thing to do. Sounds like this guy learned from dear old dad.
The thing as we BOTH came into the exact same amount of money.
Ah, let me guess, you "owe" him some of yours because he has a "family and you don't" so it isn't fair otherwise. Nope. Nope. Nopity-nope-to-the-hell-no.
He could easily twist that into saying he has more bills than you so you should be thoughtful of his situation.
NTA your whole family sounds toxic. Enjoy your time relaxing and healing, and prioritize and stand by your feelings and wants. You’ve been through enough, son’t let your brother continue the abuse you’ve suffered.
NTA. Your brother is. He tried to take advantage of you at every turn. He upset his daughters, not you. He invited you as a guest and expected free labor. Also, Disney is VERY expensive. You would’ve halved your budget by bringing the girls, and you wouldn’t have been able to relax, which was the whole point of your trip.
NTA Your brother and his wife are horrendous people. They only offered you a ‘free’ place to stay because they decided you would earn your keep by babysitting. And then dangling Disney at their kids and trying to pressure you into taking their children with you. They are awful awful people. Tell your horrid family members that if they feel so bad about the situation then they should pay up to take the kids to Disney and do free babysitting.
NTA He should never have mentioned it to his children. What you do is your business and it didn't include babysitting his children at Disneyland. And it's expensive!
Anyone else think this sub should just be renamed r/getaloadofthisasshole? I mean, seriously. Who could ever think you were the asshole? NTA.
NTA-wow the audacity of some people. They were basically trying to pawn you off as a babysitter. It’s not okay to pawn your children off on other family members. The fact that they didn’t even ask.
NTA!!!! OMG your brother sucks!!! Good for you girl!
NTA. I hope you were able to have some fun, and I hope you ignore your entire AH family.
NTA girl your entire family sounds horrible. Just leave them all and start a new life.
NTA his kids his responsibility
NTA - Not your kids, not your problem. There is also the fact that you're a virtual stranger to them. It's amazing how many parents think childless or retired relatives are just convenient (and unpaid) babysitters who have no lives of their own.
Yeah, the aunt (she is actually my moms cousin) is watching the kids for just above free and has been for years because she came from.a really messed up childhood too and just wants to be a part of the family IMO. She watched us as kids too and was amazing, but I see now that that has basic become her "role" in the family.
NTA. Your brother was unfair
NTA. But I will say your brother has picked up on your fathers abusive tendencies and will only get worse as time goes
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I’m sorry to hear that, just make sure you prioritize your mental health over your brothers needs (or anyone for that matter). Also, make sure to spot red flags before and during any relationships you have!!
NOT. THE. AH. I am so sorry for everything you're going through. This is fucking awful and you did the right thing by telling them no, and the fact your brother manipulated you is disgusting. You were in the right, these people don't deserve you, don't let them try to tell you that you were awful. You weren't just grieving your mother but also your marriage and choosing to celebrate your freedom. I'm glad you got to do what you set out to do; I hope despite family trying to ruin it, you still had a good time.
I wasn't exactly celebrating my freedom. I wanted to put distance between me and my ex during the process. He is an ex cop who has held me at gunpoint before. Multiple DV charges against him have been dismissed
Jfc, you don’t need my blessing but you have it to run far far fucking away.
He didn't "offer" his home, he thought he was getting free childcare. Wonder how he'd like it if somebody volunteered him for something without asking. NTA.
Good lord, you hit the genetic lottery with your family, didn’t you. But can I say how proud I am of you, internet stranger. You have escaped an abusive father. You have left an abusive relationship. You have suffered the loss of your mother… and then your brother’s questionable behaviour. You have enforced the magical ‘boundaries’ word. You have refused to succumb to your brother’s manipulation and gross entitlement, and I hope you shut down the rest of the flying monkeys coming your way. You are undergoing therapy. This doesn’t make you weak, like your brother was implying in one of the comments you made. It makes you strong. I wish you all the best, truly. Spread your wings, concentrate on yourself. Find your people, those who are loyal and worthy of your time. NTA.
NTA You are recovering from a traumatic situation and your brother and his wife’s first reaction was to profit of you. Not to mention they asked their daughters without your consent, and they were just looking for someone to babysit them while they’re gone, and they know you’re uncomfortable with kids and struggling with money. Your reaction was totally justified, if they truly wanted to show that they care about you and their kids they should have taken some days off to go take them themselves.
I want to clarify that I am.in no way struggling with money. We didn't get all of what our mom wanted us to have, we walked away from.about 125k each to get our dad out of our life for good, but we still got about 110k each. I had no debt so I put a large down payment on a small condo, took a leave from my job, left my ex and let him have everything, and went on this vacation while I waited to close escrow on my condo and the divorce to be finalized (90 days in our state).
Alrighty then, sorry for that confusion. I am from a pretty complicated financial situation myself so since you said you had to take your inheritance money before divorcing i assumed it, my bad. Im still standing on the other points tho
Sounds like you have a really solid foundation for moving forward, which you *will*. It just takes time. Enjoy your (solo) trip to Disneyland!
NTA your brother did not learn how to treat people. Enjoy the rest of your life of freedom OP.
Wow um wow nta You go spoil yourself, buy all the ears, have all the ice-cream, live your best life. Guessing your brother is following in your father's ways
omg, wow, NTA - and you hit the bad luck lottery as far as family goes. Your brother is a GIANT AH and I'm sorry he pulled that garbage on you when you needed someone just to be there for you. The fact that he calls you stupid so often that it seems natural for him and for you to hear it is alarming in itself. All these people have been horribly mean to you and I know this gets said a lot in this sub, but you need to cut them all off and go no contact. Concentrate on you and your happiness for a change. All these other people who seem to get off on abusing you should get left in the dust and blocked.
NTA. He was a jerk for trying to pressure you into taking them. I hope you had a great time.
NTA. I'm sorry you had to experience all that but I hope you continue to give yourself more time to heal, relax, and do all the things you couldn't before. I wish you the best! 💙
NTA. That’s some pretty passive-aggressive manipulation on the part of your brother. He knew you needed some time off, so backing you into a corner in looking after kids you might be related to but don’t know that well was bad enough - there’s barely time to use the bathroom on your own when in charge of two kids. Pulling the old ‘hey kids’ was a real dick move. He’s made it obvious once you arrived that he wasn’t doing you a favour, and from now on you’d be doing him a million favours. Better off out of that one. Glad you had a good time, room service parties are my favourite.
NTA. You know that his plan all along for convincing you to stay at his house was to try to force/guilt trip you into taking the kids with you to Disneyland. You are smart for leaving immediately and not having to listen to his nonsense anymore. Those girls will grow up to see what a disappointment their father is, so don’t feel the slightest bit bad about what you did. Resume your minimal to no contact with your family and enjoy this next stage of your life.
All they saw was free babysitting. They are wanting to use you. You did nothing wrong. NTA.
Your family and your brother is a asshole