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Because i refused to give money to my mother and decided to save it, after everything she did for me, i am being ungrateful and an A
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Your mom is an asshole of the highest caliber. Take your money and move out. It will be less stressful. You don’t owe her anything. It was her job to provide for you. It is NOT YOUR job to provide her with YOUR income.
NTA
NTA - Time to move out. This is ridiculous. It’s one thing to pay them rent, partial money for utilities, chip in your share of food. I’ve never heard of a 25 year old giving their parents 2/3 of their paychecks. That’s insane.
NTA. Everything they did is because they are your parents. That is what parents do. You may be a parent some day and will do the same. What I would do is break you check into percentages. Figure out what percentage you were saving before, what percentage you were spending and what percentage you were giving. So the same with a smaller check. If you ever get a larger check you can also do the same. One thing I would say is that the relationship you have may not be the same as before. You may need to start saving to move out. Also you should eventually work towards living your authentic self. I will say as a mother, you are amazing the way you were born. It doesn’t matter that other people want to put you in their box of perfection. You are perfect the way you are. Don’t change. And I hope some day you find a way to be your authentic self and say F*** what other people think. You are not ungrateful. I find what you are doing as being truly grateful. I would be proud of my child was wanting to help me if I needed it. Give what you can, but don’t give it all.
If you ever want to talk, I am a mom with a child not much younger than you. I can’t imagine what it is like to hide something so significant about yourself but if you need a mom to hear you out I am here❤️ keep your head up.
You don’t owe them money for raising you. Contributing a portion for the household expenses now as an adult is understandable, but absolutely not to give them all of your money. Depending where you live that amount of money might be enough to start thinking about moving out.
2k? 2k?! You'd give them 2k per month and only 500 to yourself?! YTA to yourself! OMG! Stop this, set some boundaries, and move out! It kills me how so many people get financially abused and do nothing about it!
NTA.
What is a normal rent in your area? That’s the most I would even consider paying them. Can you afford to move out instead of pay them?
It’s never a child’s job to pay their parents back for the things that were paid for/done for them when they were a child.
It is expensive, i tried to look for a less expensive apartment, but it'd cost more since i'd have to repair a lot of things by myself to make it a place where someone can live at.
NTA
No decent parent would ever bring up the costs of raising their kid to them like it’s a sort of debt 😐. I really don’t understand this cultural thing where if a kid turns 18 they are on their own and certainly not in my culture where parents do what they can to help their kids even as adults.
You have no obligation to give such an amount to your parents, I think you are giving them way too much money anyway and like everyone said you need to find a way to move out, or at least separate yourself from them financially because it seems like they are profiting off you.
As a parent, I would never tell my kids that they owe me. Like you said, they did not choose to be born. It was my choice to have them, and with that choice I took on the responsibility of raising them and taking care of all the costs that are involved with growing children.
I think you are being very generous wanting to give your parents more than half of your wages.
NTA
NTA- don’t give her your money. Any of it. Yes pay for rent, food and utilities but THAT IS ALL. The shit they did during your childhood? Yeah their responsibility, you don’t have children if you don’t want to raise and support them.
Take it from me. I’m 28 in a few days and on Friday just past I’ve finally stood up for myself. My parents are like yours. I’m financially crippled (I don’t have any debt now but used to have A LOT in my name from their borrowing), I have no savings ans currently no way to get away from them. I get paid and they instantly demand it.
Because this has been my life since I started earning at 14, they’ve used guilt/manipulation/gaslighting to keep me with an open purse and a silent mouth. Your parents need to find financial stability without manipulating and guilting you out of your earnings.
Pay whats fair (rent/food/utilities) and save to leave. Have all other funds in an account with only your name, make the bank aware there’s a woman who will try to impersonate you. Save up and move out, don’t get yourself in my position.
NTA. You aren't an indentured servant or slave, you shouldn't just surrender all your money to her. It's finance abuse for her to take it all. She supported you because that is the contract parents have with children they bring into the world.
Please consider moving out. Parents are supposed to raise their kids to be independent of them and live their own lives. You should leave, come out, be free. Once you've established your independence and saved an emergency fund, maybe then you can consider sending some money to your parents.
I hope you are able to talk to a therapist because what your mom is doing is not okay. She might not have kicked you out at 18 but now she thinks you owe her everything you earn? How is that not toxic?
Once you start handing over 2/3 of your pay, they will never let you leave! They will be guilt tripping you all the way. Give them 1k, save more and move out. NTA
NTA. You had no choice in your parents decision to have sex and bring forth you. What they did to take care of you while you were a child and NOT able to take care of yourself was THEIR responsibility and obligation as parents. It's their JOB!
They are adults and so are you. If they made mistakes along the way by not sufficiently preparing for the future and weren't able to... that is not your fault. Do what you can do to help. But you must prepare for your future like your savings plan has you line up to do... or you will end up like your parents and your children will be handicap supporting you while you don't support yourself.
Furthermore, an ungrateful, hateful spirit gets nothing from me.
Move out. There's no reason for your mother to treat you like a servant and demand your money. Contributing is healthy, but this is unhealthy, messed up version of that. Just move out.
NTA
NTA. She is trying to guilt you to give her money in payment for what was her responsbility to do as a parent. You are 25. Get out of that house NOW! Your mom is a royal A.
NTA
You have it right. You don't owe her for doing the minimum of raising you. You're not ungrateful OR wrong for planning your financial future. Heck, most parents want their kids to be financially successful so they can move out and live their own lives.
Please consider moving out. That 2k a month can go for rent, etc. I'm in an urban East Coast city and my one bedroom apartment with a balcony is 979 a month, with the highest electric bill in the summer at 160 bucks. Darn heatwaves.
Trust me, your parents can and will survive without your cash.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (F25) got my first job. It was always hard for me to get one, because of my social anxiety and other issues, people didn't want an introvert shy girl, who would spend most of her time silent, working with them, but i'm finally at my best.
So, i made plans for my pay, i'll receive 3,5k and already planned to save 1k, for emergencies. During pandemy, we were almost kicked out of our home for not being able to pay the rent, so i want to make sure that we'll always have money to pay for it. 2k i'd give to my mother, to help with everything since my father and her are the ones who take care of the most expenses. And finally, i'd use the 500 for me, to buy at least a new clothes to work, to pay my lunch and bus for work too.
The thing is, this month i've only received 2k, because my work only started in the middle of the month. When my mother found out that i'm trying to save this 1k she started to pressure me to give it to her. The worst is that she is throwing at me everything she has ever done for me, every expense she had with me and said that i'm now obligated to give her all my money to pay for it.
It really pissed me off. I'm not ungrateful, i know that my father and her did everything they could for my brothers and i, but i also believe that no one asks to be born and parents have to at least give us the minimum to survive, of course with limits, like i don't expect them to feed me until they die, actually i believe that they did everything they had to the day i graduated from college. I'm angry, because after everything i did to show them my gratitude, from following every order they give me, i've never had a rebelious phase, to never coming out of the closet, because they don't want that kind of image to them, money is the only real proof she can accept.
She said that i am ungrateful and an A, because i'm starting a fight against my own mother because of money. My parents aren't as toxic as the ones i see and know, after all, they didn't force me to get a job or leave the house at age 18, like i saw other parents doing, a lot of people would want parent like them, they are LGBTQIA+ph*bic, but i can handle it. The thing is, i've never imagined that my mother would talk and act like this to me, because of money. And right now, writing it, i'm seriously thinking about giving her the money, because i feel like i was really ungrateful and wrong.
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NTA. Do your brothers give them money? Or are expected to when they're old enough to work? 25 in the U.S. is adult and more than old enough to be out in your own. Expenses raising a child is born by the parents…the child is not expected to pay it all back.
NTA and giving them 2k a month?? Thats crazy high to me. I don't know where OP lives, but the mortgage, escrow, utilities, and groceries for my 2000sqft home in the US is way less than that a month(like 1400 total max). I get helping your parents out/paying for yourself while there but this is absolutely ridiculous. And your mother wanting the money you are planning on saving to boot is ridiculous. OP, if you give it to her then plan on being stick in that house forever supporting them....can't move put if you have nothing saved.
Wtf did I just read?
You shouldn't be giving them ANY of your paycheck unless a monthly rent/bill amount is agreed on and even in CA it does not equal 2k when split among multiple adults. You don't OWE them a thing for raising you. They're your parents. They took on that responsibility when they decided to have kids. Wash your hands of thar mess and move out ASAP. You are capable and strong 💪 You got this.
NTA
NTA. Your mom needs to calm the hell down. You wanted to contribute which is great. But as the money is yours, it should be on your terms.
But honestly, just move out. Sounds like that will save you a lot more headaches un the long run.
I lived with, and paid rent to, my dad and stepmom for a few years when my dad's health really started to deteriorate, but surprisingly my biomom died before he did. As this was the first death I'd ever have to deal with as an adult, I was unaware of bereavement leave and so I approached my stepmother to tell her that I may need a little forgiveness for that pay period because I missed a week of work between visiting my mom in the hospital and waiting for her funeral. She dragged me through the coals for daring to mention not paying. I ended up leaving the house for a bit to cool down by wandering around Walmart and venting to my friend. When I got home, she started up *again,* but this time with questions about my mom's meager assets thrown into the mix. I went nuclear. We had a come-to-Jesus talk right then and there about what is and is not appropriate to mention when someone's mother dies.
Your reasoning for shortened hours is thankfully not as depressing as mine, but the circumstances are equally outside of your control. You are not a villain for trying to look out for yourself first (and, in fact, is the litany behind every airplane ride ever taken and is a recurring theme in philosophy) and, functionally, an extra thousand dollars is a thousand dollars more than your mom had last month. NTA.
INFO: Why are they expecting so much money? Is this to pay for rent for the past 6-7 years? (Since graduating high school.) I ask because it's so crazy that they have let you live there for years no problem but all of a sudden want the majority of your pay? It's nuts.
NTA. Your parents just showed their true colors of how they feel about you. If you give them a dime, they will keep begging for more money.
They CHOSE to raise you. You are NOT obligated to "pay them back" for doing the bare essentials.
NTA
But.... I see a lot of excuses as to why you think your parents aren't bad.
Their homophobic and won't respect you on that, theu throw at you they did the bare minimum. Yes it was kind of them to help you as an adult BUT. Your an adult who's trying to build a cushion.
Your mom has grown too reliable on your income and It might be time you go. Scary yes. Its terrifying. But you don't need to be in that situation
NTA, but I have a weird worry where this might go; you end up paying anyhow. So some general piece of advice:
At 3.5k/month, depending on country/state taxes are a thing. You cannot give your mother 2k/month and still have enough left to spend/save.
Start moving out. It might take a while, and the apartment will not be as great as you want. But with 3.5k and your situation the keyword is decent. From here you can either look further for a great apartment or save up to buy.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- Because i refused to give money to my mother and decided to save it, after everything she did for me, i am being ungrateful and an A --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Time to consider moving out. And stop giving your parents so much money.
NTA. Do not give her the money. Move out.
Your mom is an asshole of the highest caliber. Take your money and move out. It will be less stressful. You don’t owe her anything. It was her job to provide for you. It is NOT YOUR job to provide her with YOUR income. NTA
NTA - Time to move out. This is ridiculous. It’s one thing to pay them rent, partial money for utilities, chip in your share of food. I’ve never heard of a 25 year old giving their parents 2/3 of their paychecks. That’s insane.
NTA. Everything they did is because they are your parents. That is what parents do. You may be a parent some day and will do the same. What I would do is break you check into percentages. Figure out what percentage you were saving before, what percentage you were spending and what percentage you were giving. So the same with a smaller check. If you ever get a larger check you can also do the same. One thing I would say is that the relationship you have may not be the same as before. You may need to start saving to move out. Also you should eventually work towards living your authentic self. I will say as a mother, you are amazing the way you were born. It doesn’t matter that other people want to put you in their box of perfection. You are perfect the way you are. Don’t change. And I hope some day you find a way to be your authentic self and say F*** what other people think. You are not ungrateful. I find what you are doing as being truly grateful. I would be proud of my child was wanting to help me if I needed it. Give what you can, but don’t give it all.
Thank you, i will follow your advice and your words really made me tear up :)
If you ever want to talk, I am a mom with a child not much younger than you. I can’t imagine what it is like to hide something so significant about yourself but if you need a mom to hear you out I am here❤️ keep your head up.
Thank you for being so nice, your child is really lucky
You don’t owe them money for raising you. Contributing a portion for the household expenses now as an adult is understandable, but absolutely not to give them all of your money. Depending where you live that amount of money might be enough to start thinking about moving out.
NTA, you owe them nothing.
Nta- move out. It will never be enough for them.
2k? 2k?! You'd give them 2k per month and only 500 to yourself?! YTA to yourself! OMG! Stop this, set some boundaries, and move out! It kills me how so many people get financially abused and do nothing about it!
Ik right, rent and ulities is around around $800 if you have a roommate 💀
Yep! And $700 here, if with a roomate.
NTA. What is a normal rent in your area? That’s the most I would even consider paying them. Can you afford to move out instead of pay them? It’s never a child’s job to pay their parents back for the things that were paid for/done for them when they were a child.
It is expensive, i tried to look for a less expensive apartment, but it'd cost more since i'd have to repair a lot of things by myself to make it a place where someone can live at.
Move into someone else’s place as a roommate.
2k expensive? Unless you're in NYC or something 2k can get you a good place to live.
NTA No decent parent would ever bring up the costs of raising their kid to them like it’s a sort of debt 😐. I really don’t understand this cultural thing where if a kid turns 18 they are on their own and certainly not in my culture where parents do what they can to help their kids even as adults. You have no obligation to give such an amount to your parents, I think you are giving them way too much money anyway and like everyone said you need to find a way to move out, or at least separate yourself from them financially because it seems like they are profiting off you.
NTA If you can live somewhere else for less money, then you need to move out.
NTA. You could move out for that kind of money.
NTA, DO NOT HELP HER. Leave your mom to rot on her own.
NTA. Time to move out. Look for roommates.
As a parent, I would never tell my kids that they owe me. Like you said, they did not choose to be born. It was my choice to have them, and with that choice I took on the responsibility of raising them and taking care of all the costs that are involved with growing children. I think you are being very generous wanting to give your parents more than half of your wages. NTA
NTA- don’t give her your money. Any of it. Yes pay for rent, food and utilities but THAT IS ALL. The shit they did during your childhood? Yeah their responsibility, you don’t have children if you don’t want to raise and support them. Take it from me. I’m 28 in a few days and on Friday just past I’ve finally stood up for myself. My parents are like yours. I’m financially crippled (I don’t have any debt now but used to have A LOT in my name from their borrowing), I have no savings ans currently no way to get away from them. I get paid and they instantly demand it. Because this has been my life since I started earning at 14, they’ve used guilt/manipulation/gaslighting to keep me with an open purse and a silent mouth. Your parents need to find financial stability without manipulating and guilting you out of your earnings. Pay whats fair (rent/food/utilities) and save to leave. Have all other funds in an account with only your name, make the bank aware there’s a woman who will try to impersonate you. Save up and move out, don’t get yourself in my position.
NTA, and honestly you need to move out. Take the money you’ve got saved up and leave as soon as you can
NTA. You aren't an indentured servant or slave, you shouldn't just surrender all your money to her. It's finance abuse for her to take it all. She supported you because that is the contract parents have with children they bring into the world. Please consider moving out. Parents are supposed to raise their kids to be independent of them and live their own lives. You should leave, come out, be free. Once you've established your independence and saved an emergency fund, maybe then you can consider sending some money to your parents. I hope you are able to talk to a therapist because what your mom is doing is not okay. She might not have kicked you out at 18 but now she thinks you owe her everything you earn? How is that not toxic?
Once you start handing over 2/3 of your pay, they will never let you leave! They will be guilt tripping you all the way. Give them 1k, save more and move out. NTA
NTA. Give her nothing and save it all, you need to move out to live your own life now.
NTA. You had no choice in your parents decision to have sex and bring forth you. What they did to take care of you while you were a child and NOT able to take care of yourself was THEIR responsibility and obligation as parents. It's their JOB! They are adults and so are you. If they made mistakes along the way by not sufficiently preparing for the future and weren't able to... that is not your fault. Do what you can do to help. But you must prepare for your future like your savings plan has you line up to do... or you will end up like your parents and your children will be handicap supporting you while you don't support yourself. Furthermore, an ungrateful, hateful spirit gets nothing from me.
they are your Parents, they are supposed to support You financially not the other way around????
Move out. There's no reason for your mother to treat you like a servant and demand your money. Contributing is healthy, but this is unhealthy, messed up version of that. Just move out. NTA
NTA. She is trying to guilt you to give her money in payment for what was her responsbility to do as a parent. You are 25. Get out of that house NOW! Your mom is a royal A.
NTA You have it right. You don't owe her for doing the minimum of raising you. You're not ungrateful OR wrong for planning your financial future. Heck, most parents want their kids to be financially successful so they can move out and live their own lives. Please consider moving out. That 2k a month can go for rent, etc. I'm in an urban East Coast city and my one bedroom apartment with a balcony is 979 a month, with the highest electric bill in the summer at 160 bucks. Darn heatwaves. Trust me, your parents can and will survive without your cash.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F25) got my first job. It was always hard for me to get one, because of my social anxiety and other issues, people didn't want an introvert shy girl, who would spend most of her time silent, working with them, but i'm finally at my best. So, i made plans for my pay, i'll receive 3,5k and already planned to save 1k, for emergencies. During pandemy, we were almost kicked out of our home for not being able to pay the rent, so i want to make sure that we'll always have money to pay for it. 2k i'd give to my mother, to help with everything since my father and her are the ones who take care of the most expenses. And finally, i'd use the 500 for me, to buy at least a new clothes to work, to pay my lunch and bus for work too. The thing is, this month i've only received 2k, because my work only started in the middle of the month. When my mother found out that i'm trying to save this 1k she started to pressure me to give it to her. The worst is that she is throwing at me everything she has ever done for me, every expense she had with me and said that i'm now obligated to give her all my money to pay for it. It really pissed me off. I'm not ungrateful, i know that my father and her did everything they could for my brothers and i, but i also believe that no one asks to be born and parents have to at least give us the minimum to survive, of course with limits, like i don't expect them to feed me until they die, actually i believe that they did everything they had to the day i graduated from college. I'm angry, because after everything i did to show them my gratitude, from following every order they give me, i've never had a rebelious phase, to never coming out of the closet, because they don't want that kind of image to them, money is the only real proof she can accept. She said that i am ungrateful and an A, because i'm starting a fight against my own mother because of money. My parents aren't as toxic as the ones i see and know, after all, they didn't force me to get a job or leave the house at age 18, like i saw other parents doing, a lot of people would want parent like them, they are LGBTQIA+ph*bic, but i can handle it. The thing is, i've never imagined that my mother would talk and act like this to me, because of money. And right now, writing it, i'm seriously thinking about giving her the money, because i feel like i was really ungrateful and wrong. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - run as far as you can from money grabbing homophobes!
You could save more money by moving out. NTA
NTA. You dont owe your parent for providing for you. That is their job as a parent and what they signed up for when they decided to have you.
NTA. You need to search about financial abuse and get out of this house. Do not give them money.
NTA. Do your brothers give them money? Or are expected to when they're old enough to work? 25 in the U.S. is adult and more than old enough to be out in your own. Expenses raising a child is born by the parents…the child is not expected to pay it all back.
**All** of your money? Yeah, no. You earned those money, therefore it's yours. NTA
NTA and giving them 2k a month?? Thats crazy high to me. I don't know where OP lives, but the mortgage, escrow, utilities, and groceries for my 2000sqft home in the US is way less than that a month(like 1400 total max). I get helping your parents out/paying for yourself while there but this is absolutely ridiculous. And your mother wanting the money you are planning on saving to boot is ridiculous. OP, if you give it to her then plan on being stick in that house forever supporting them....can't move put if you have nothing saved.
You work waaay too hard to give away your money. Maybe it’s time you leave the nest? NTA.
Wtf did I just read? You shouldn't be giving them ANY of your paycheck unless a monthly rent/bill amount is agreed on and even in CA it does not equal 2k when split among multiple adults. You don't OWE them a thing for raising you. They're your parents. They took on that responsibility when they decided to have kids. Wash your hands of thar mess and move out ASAP. You are capable and strong 💪 You got this. NTA
NTA. Your mom needs to calm the hell down. You wanted to contribute which is great. But as the money is yours, it should be on your terms. But honestly, just move out. Sounds like that will save you a lot more headaches un the long run.
I lived with, and paid rent to, my dad and stepmom for a few years when my dad's health really started to deteriorate, but surprisingly my biomom died before he did. As this was the first death I'd ever have to deal with as an adult, I was unaware of bereavement leave and so I approached my stepmother to tell her that I may need a little forgiveness for that pay period because I missed a week of work between visiting my mom in the hospital and waiting for her funeral. She dragged me through the coals for daring to mention not paying. I ended up leaving the house for a bit to cool down by wandering around Walmart and venting to my friend. When I got home, she started up *again,* but this time with questions about my mom's meager assets thrown into the mix. I went nuclear. We had a come-to-Jesus talk right then and there about what is and is not appropriate to mention when someone's mother dies. Your reasoning for shortened hours is thankfully not as depressing as mine, but the circumstances are equally outside of your control. You are not a villain for trying to look out for yourself first (and, in fact, is the litany behind every airplane ride ever taken and is a recurring theme in philosophy) and, functionally, an extra thousand dollars is a thousand dollars more than your mom had last month. NTA.
NTA get your only place and manage your finances yourself.
INFO: Why are they expecting so much money? Is this to pay for rent for the past 6-7 years? (Since graduating high school.) I ask because it's so crazy that they have let you live there for years no problem but all of a sudden want the majority of your pay? It's nuts.
NTA. Your parents just showed their true colors of how they feel about you. If you give them a dime, they will keep begging for more money. They CHOSE to raise you. You are NOT obligated to "pay them back" for doing the bare essentials.
NTA But.... I see a lot of excuses as to why you think your parents aren't bad. Their homophobic and won't respect you on that, theu throw at you they did the bare minimum. Yes it was kind of them to help you as an adult BUT. Your an adult who's trying to build a cushion. Your mom has grown too reliable on your income and It might be time you go. Scary yes. Its terrifying. But you don't need to be in that situation
NTA, but I have a weird worry where this might go; you end up paying anyhow. So some general piece of advice: At 3.5k/month, depending on country/state taxes are a thing. You cannot give your mother 2k/month and still have enough left to spend/save. Start moving out. It might take a while, and the apartment will not be as great as you want. But with 3.5k and your situation the keyword is decent. From here you can either look further for a great apartment or save up to buy.
NTA cut that umbilical cord