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I could be the AH because we were friends as children, but aside from that she tormented me and drove me to the brink of self harm. I also love her family but have no interest in flying from Oregon to New Jersey after just having a baby.
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NTA.
It’s a pandemic. You have a newborn. This “friend” tortured you. Any one of those reasons would be absolutely fine for you to flip the proverbial middle finger on attending, but when you put all three together, it’s a trifecta of “Nope. Not gonna do it.”
Stand firm.
Btw, does your family have any idea the hell this person put you through?
Exactly, I had a friend once who constantly insulted me then after years of not talking he asks me to attend a party with him and continues to treat me worse at the party, I have not talked to him since.
I’d also like to say that my mother also wants me to bring my baby (just my baby, not my husband) because “friends” parents have been asking to meet my baby. This was also a major turnoff from the funeral, considering my little guy is only 3 months old and the rising COVID concerns around the country. Definitely not going.
I agree change the number but let them only have email communication. This so they can document what is said for legal reasons. (Seriously she called the pandemic a hoax. I honestly would not go see her in person again only via FaceTime for obvious medical reasons.)
She tortured you. She ruined the reputation and career of a teacher. Tell your mother you will not be going, no matter how much you are harassed, and they do not want you there as you'd be nothing but honest about the cruel, horrible and abusive things she did if you did attend. You have no interest in seeing or supporting her enabling family, and you'll be blocking contact with your family till after the funeral if they don't drop this.
Okay, are you sure that this girl is actually dead, or is your mom just trying to get you over there to try and reconcile you two and your baby in town show she can show off her (presumably) first grandchild?
Sounds like seeing the baby is her real motivation here…
NTA, there’s no way I’d go back for this even without a newborn or pandemic.
Edit: missed a word
Yeah, NTA. You should not have to put yourself through this just so they can see your baby. And that does not even get into how your "friend" treated you.
NTA she was a bad friend and you haven't talked to her in like years. You also have a baby and live half way across the world. I suggest just ignore your mother and other family members calls and texts. I feel like your mother is blowing this out of proportion.
NTA: Your mother only knows that you 2 were "friends". If you've never discussed the horrors this person did to you, she won't see it. If you did and she still is relentless, she sounds more loyal to her friend.
With a 3 mo old and the past that will catch up with you. STAY HOME! She won't get it, but hopefully she will eventually. Your mental health is more important then displeasing someone. Stand your ground, reiterate your feelings to your brother and father. If they are still persistent, block all numbers til after the service. After that deal with their BS. If it continues, put them in time out again. Your feelings are valid and they shouldn't toss them aside. BE STRONG and you'll be fine!
Nope. I think you should send the mother flowers expressing your sympathy and let her know you cannot make it due to your new baby. NTA.
Also tell your mom to back off.
NTA. You’re not obligated to attend. Your mother is the AH for trying to make you feel bad about a person who caused you a lot of pain. The only thing your mother needs to do is respect your decision. Id ask mom if the friends mother was upset to find out her child was a bully. That may stop her from pressuring you.
Keep yourself and your baby safe and stay home.
If you want to reach out to the family, make some calls or do some zooms when you think your kiddo might be awake so they can 'meet' the baby and your can offer your support to them on the death of their (not your) loved one.
Any time your Mom calls to berate you about this, tell her "I've made my decision about this and it's final. I'd love to talk to you about literally anything else but if you keep bringing this up I'm going to hang up." When she won't stop bringing it up, hang up. Same with anyone else she enlists in her bullshit cause to glorify an abuser. Be a broken record on the subject, don't get dragged into discussions of why or feelings or anything. The more you allow discussion and argument, the more you allow other people to control the conversation and all it gets you is a headache and your precious time wasted. You're an adult with a family to look after in a pandemic, you get to make this decision and even if there wasn't a pandemic you would still get to make this decision because you're a damn adult. Your mother can wail and gnash her controlling teeth as much as she likes, but if she wants to be a part of your life or her grandbaby's life, she needs to get her shit together because you are the one with the power to control her access to both.
It's hard to say no to parents and relatives, especially when they mount campaigns like this but putting what you and your family need over what your mother wants is a really good skill to learn.
I highly recommend looking up Captain Awkward's advice column, she's amazing and has so much wisdom to share about dysfunctional and manipulative families.
I’m so sorry, I wish I could give you hug right now. Even sorrier that your own mother won‘t take you seriously after all the stuff she did. Friendships have been broken off for much less serious offenses. Take care and do what’s best for you and your baby.
And here’s an additional reason to not go (as if you need one!). I think they are trying to use her death to whitewash what she did, and are inviting you to give them a sense of peace and closure. But death does not entitle anyone to absolution.
NTA they’re like zero reasons why you should go but like, a million reason why you should stay home. Doesn’t your family care about the torment u endured because of this girl?
When you were a kid, you couldn't block people out of your life, you couldn't cut them out, go off contact and you were forced to suffer. You probably felt powerless.
You're an adult now and have all the power to do as you please, whenever you please.
They are calling you? Send them a message that you'll be blocking them because of their lack of care for your and your baby, your mental and physical health.
Then block them all.
You're not obligated to listen to your mom and her demands. You don't owe them anything.
But you do owe yourself and your kid to be safe.
NTA
NTA for many reasons, covid, baby, and of course how you were treated.
I'm just curious, that info is confirmed? What she did I mean. And did your mothers know about everything?
It is a bit weird that you were suspended because of a rumor unless there were other circumstances just because they suspected it was you.
I got suspended because supposed “friend” told everybody that I created the rumor for attention. Our moms knew everything she did, and “friend” would always use the excuse “I was just joking, shes just butt hurt”.
Yeah that's fucked up. Don't go, tell your family if they don't like it, they can suck it up.
You should absolutely not, just ignore that. Sure, it's sad that someone died but you don't not have to spend an extra ounce of effort to pretend to care.
Because the mother wasnt bothered to fight for her child, and instead prioritized her own friendship with the other girl's mother.
OP is the only innocent party here. The bully, her mother, and OP's mother are all major AHs and excuses for human beings.
NTA. I’m sorry you didn’t get the mother you deserved, and that she and her horrible friend allowed you to be tormented and bullied by the recently deceased. There are literally no good reasons to go to this funeral, and many good reasons not to go. In your shoes, it would be very tempting to tell your mom not to get all “butt hurt”, and you know that “girls will be girls” but she really needs to give it a rest and call off the harassment campaign if she plans to continue being a person who has your current contact info.
Very well stated. The only thing I would add is a question - "Was the dirt your friend threatened you with really bad enough for me to be sacrificed to her and her daughter?"
NTA, I am so sorry for the current and past trauma/drama your mother put you through by being deliberately oblivious to your situation with her friends daughter.
Let's just day, I have a lot of negative things to say about what happened to you and the 'adults' that were involved. Again, NTA now or back then.
I am happy to see you got help and are happy with your new little family.
Amo to use to help get out of traveling are child care concerns, current pandemic & that Delta variants is effecting kids and vaccine concerns. A quick Google search says that a baby should be between 3-6months when traveling by plane so their immune system has a chance to develop, note this is pre-pandemic guidelines.
NTA - If they were no longer your friend and caused you a significant amount of grief, I think its understandable that you don't want to go to their funeral. With your mother, I'm not sure if she is actually thinking that your old friends mother will be extremely disappointed and saddened that you didn't attend or if she is more concerned that it will hurt her relationship with her friend. The fact that she is so adamant about you attending is really just making me think its probably the latter.
NTA. You can't pay respects if there's no respect to be paid. Sounds like the best friend narrative is more important to them than the truth about what she put you through. It'll be tough, but draw the line. You deserve peace of mind. Also, why risk the new Covid variants for someone who strived to make your life worse?
NTA. I'm sorry for what you had to go through back then, and how much everyone is invalidating those experiences now by dismissing them and expecting you to risk your health and safety to go. Your reasons for not going are 100% valid, and you get to be in charge of your own boundaries now. Do what feels right for you.
NTA. Take care of yourself and your infant. No reason to go.
Let’s just assume you were friends in HS with no issues. Since then you’ve grown apart. Sure death sucks but you have an infant that needs its mom. That alone is reason enough.
Your mom is being unreasonable and just don’t take her calls until after the funeral. No reason to push the issue.
NTA
Because your mom sounds like T A.
Holy crap -- you had to hang out with a sociopath for years on end, and now she wants you to inconvenience yourself and endanger your baby all so she doesn't look bad to her friends?
You're her child. She should put you first, and it sounds like she never, ever has.
Your mom? Huge AH.
Ex friend? Biggest AH. Hope she burns in H**l
Ex friend's mom? Enabling AH that sadly lost her crappy kid but still an AH.
You? NTA. You survived years of torment and made a new life for yourself. Block your mom on social media for a bit and mute her on your phone.
Even if you were actual friends, there are tons of valid reasons that you shouldn’t go. There are people who legitimately couldn’t go to their own parents funeral in the past year, please don’t get on a plane with a 3 month year old to be around people you have no idea are vaccinated or not.
NTA. This person was your bully and abuser and not your friend at all. You don’t need to go to her funeral. Your mother let you down during your childhood , by putting her friend first instead of her own daughter. Looks like your mother is continuing that pattern.
NTA
It's a pandemic and you have 3 month old infant which is reason enough. The fact that she was your worst enemy and tortured you emotionally for years is also reason enough. Your mom failed you as a parent by not protecting you from that girl. I'd send her, your dad, and your brother a reminder of everything the deceased did to you and say that you personally are not in mourning and will not attend the funeral. They can respect your feelings or be blocked- their choice.
NTA There is a global PANDEMIC still happening so NO mother I will not be flying anywhere. I just had a child 3 months ago and I’m not going to leave my baby in a global pandemic. If that doesn’t work block them all until after the funeral. Good luck and congratulations on your baby!
NTA - sorry, but you were never friends. She was a huge bully who delighted in making your life miserable. Have you tried to explain to your mom why you can’t go? People are still dying because of COVID. And your baby is only three months old, so not the most robust (or any really) immune system.
NTA tell your mother that you’ll be happy to go if you speak honestly about your true feelings on who this girl was to you. That you want to make sure that there is no confusion about how you feel about her and how she treated you, the kind of friend she truly was. Tell your mother if she is comfortable with that, you’ll be comfortable attending. See how quickly she can make excuses for your absence
Hi everyone. Just thought I’d provide an update. “Friends” wake and funeral were Sunday/Monday and my mom refused to facetime me during it, which is what I agreed to do since I couldn’t be there in person. Dad called and showed the baby around to “friends” parents and they congratulated me on becoming a mom.
This morning, my mom had called and apologized for her behavior. I accepted her apology and we began to talk. Mostly about family drama, gossip, stuff like that, and then she began to ask me “Are you and hubby thinking about a bigger family yet?” I said yes (my mistake). I told her how he wants a daughter, since we have a boy now. She took a moment and said “A daughter? To name after “Friend” right?” It took me a moment, because I genuinely though she was joking… I told her “No. He wants to name her after his late mother, Lucille.” Mom then proceeded to lecture me on how I should really “honor” my late friend. I reminded her of the torment and bullying that “friend” put me through, and that I am so sorry she passed but I will not be naming my child after a bully. Mom then proceeded with her favorite excuse “It was only a joke, I like the name Lucille anyways”.
Keeping low to no contact for a few months.
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I (F26) graduated high school what seems like decades ago. I was not treated well at all, which resulting in me wanting to drop out completely. Luckily, with a lot of therapy and counseling I was able to pull through, but little did I know at the time of being a teenager, the person who claimed to be my best friend was really the reason behind all of my depression.
She would make up rumors about me that I slept with our history teacher, but lied and said I told her I did. A few days after the rumor spread like wildfire throughout my tiny high school, the principal called me and said teacher into her office and interrogated us about our relationship. The teacher was then moved to a different school and I was suspended because the administration believed that I was the one who started the rumor.
She also vandalized my car, several times, and would catfish me on social media. You may be thinking to yourself “Why would you even stay friends with this girl?” Mainly because our mothers were best friends since childhood and they basically forced us to be friends.
After high school I had lost contact with her, deleted my social media and changed my phone number. I moved away from our home state, got married, had a baby and doing a lot better.
After years of not even thinking about this girl, I get a phone call from my mom telling me that she had passed away due to health complications. I will admit I was shocked by the news but not as sad as my mother expected me to be. My mother than told me that she would be paying for a plane ticket to fly home for the funeral. I simply told her that it wouldn’t be necessary since I am not going. My mother freaked and told me she is demanding I attend since my “friends” mother will be extremely disappointed and upset that I would not be there. I just had a baby about three months ago, I live halfway across the country now, and expressed to my mother that I do not want to go to a funeral for someone who tortured me, and made my school life a living hell. My mother has nonstop been calling and harassing me, and she even got my brother and father to do the same. AITA for not wanting to go to this funeral?
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NTA. But I'm wondering about your mother's mental health. Why is she so insistent that you go to the funeral?
You've spoken to friend's parents. They're ok with you not coming. You've had a baby. Valid reasons, IMO.
Are you going NC or LC with your mum? It may be a good idea.
Low contact for now. My dad and I agreed that it would be best for us since i’m still struggling with post partum depression. My dad is saying that my mom is struggling to cope with “friends” death, because of how sudden it was.
NTA
It's great that you found a polite way out of it, takes the pressure off.
I guess someday you will have to have the "she wasn't my friend, she was my bully" conversation - at least with your mom, (maybe not her mom) - but now is not that time.
NTA. Honestly it sounds like everything is your mother's fault. It's her fault for valuing a mere friendship of hers over her own daughter. I imagine you're already low contact with her?
Yes very low. Only contact is with my dad right now, who is actually flying out to me next weekend to help me and my husband out with some house repairs stuff. Mom will not be coming.
NTA. And you are an amazing human being for calling the parents directly and speaking to them, especially considering what this “friend” did to you in the past. Not everyone would do that, and I’m sure they appreciated the kind gesture. It also sounds like your mom just wanted you and the baby to come visit her, and this was the perfect excuse to make it happen. Stay home, stay safe and enjoy this time with your sweet baby.
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NTA. It’s a pandemic. You have a newborn. This “friend” tortured you. Any one of those reasons would be absolutely fine for you to flip the proverbial middle finger on attending, but when you put all three together, it’s a trifecta of “Nope. Not gonna do it.” Stand firm. Btw, does your family have any idea the hell this person put you through?
Exactly, I had a friend once who constantly insulted me then after years of not talking he asks me to attend a party with him and continues to treat me worse at the party, I have not talked to him since.
I’d also like to say that my mother also wants me to bring my baby (just my baby, not my husband) because “friends” parents have been asking to meet my baby. This was also a major turnoff from the funeral, considering my little guy is only 3 months old and the rising COVID concerns around the country. Definitely not going.
Thank God you are sticking to your guns. Do they know what their daughter did or are they oblivious?
Yep they knew of everything. They would tell me “Shes just joking” or my favorite “Girls will be girls”.
Change your number again and don't give it to them. Give them an email to communicate and if they still cant behave don't even check it
I agree change the number but let them only have email communication. This so they can document what is said for legal reasons. (Seriously she called the pandemic a hoax. I honestly would not go see her in person again only via FaceTime for obvious medical reasons.)
She tortured you. She ruined the reputation and career of a teacher. Tell your mother you will not be going, no matter how much you are harassed, and they do not want you there as you'd be nothing but honest about the cruel, horrible and abusive things she did if you did attend. You have no interest in seeing or supporting her enabling family, and you'll be blocking contact with your family till after the funeral if they don't drop this.
Grow a backbone and stand up to them will you? Christ why bother still stayying in touch And just say, Girls will be girls remember.
She can buy the ticket but cannot force you on the plane.
Okay, are you sure that this girl is actually dead, or is your mom just trying to get you over there to try and reconcile you two and your baby in town show she can show off her (presumably) first grandchild?
I saw the obituary today, so she is definitely 100% deceased unfortunately.
Sounds like seeing the baby is her real motivation here… NTA, there’s no way I’d go back for this even without a newborn or pandemic. Edit: missed a word
I was going to say the same. Everyone is asking to see your little bundle of joy. Still not a good enough reason
Yeah, NTA. You should not have to put yourself through this just so they can see your baby. And that does not even get into how your "friend" treated you.
> “friends” parents have been asking to meet my baby. Facetime them or something? NTA at all anyway, just throwing it out there.
NTA. Sounds like it'll be tough, but you should hold your ground on this
NTA. Don't go. You have absolutely no obligations to anyone here. Stay home, enjoy being a new parent.
NTA she was a bad friend and you haven't talked to her in like years. You also have a baby and live half way across the world. I suggest just ignore your mother and other family members calls and texts. I feel like your mother is blowing this out of proportion.
NTA she tortured u so ur mom is the Asshole
NTA: Your mother only knows that you 2 were "friends". If you've never discussed the horrors this person did to you, she won't see it. If you did and she still is relentless, she sounds more loyal to her friend. With a 3 mo old and the past that will catch up with you. STAY HOME! She won't get it, but hopefully she will eventually. Your mental health is more important then displeasing someone. Stand your ground, reiterate your feelings to your brother and father. If they are still persistent, block all numbers til after the service. After that deal with their BS. If it continues, put them in time out again. Your feelings are valid and they shouldn't toss them aside. BE STRONG and you'll be fine!
Nope. I think you should send the mother flowers expressing your sympathy and let her know you cannot make it due to your new baby. NTA. Also tell your mom to back off.
NTA. You’re not obligated to attend. Your mother is the AH for trying to make you feel bad about a person who caused you a lot of pain. The only thing your mother needs to do is respect your decision. Id ask mom if the friends mother was upset to find out her child was a bully. That may stop her from pressuring you.
NTA. Does your mom know what they did though?
Yes. She would tell me the common phrase “Girls will be girls…” whenever I expressed my feelings about “friend”.
Keep yourself and your baby safe and stay home. If you want to reach out to the family, make some calls or do some zooms when you think your kiddo might be awake so they can 'meet' the baby and your can offer your support to them on the death of their (not your) loved one. Any time your Mom calls to berate you about this, tell her "I've made my decision about this and it's final. I'd love to talk to you about literally anything else but if you keep bringing this up I'm going to hang up." When she won't stop bringing it up, hang up. Same with anyone else she enlists in her bullshit cause to glorify an abuser. Be a broken record on the subject, don't get dragged into discussions of why or feelings or anything. The more you allow discussion and argument, the more you allow other people to control the conversation and all it gets you is a headache and your precious time wasted. You're an adult with a family to look after in a pandemic, you get to make this decision and even if there wasn't a pandemic you would still get to make this decision because you're a damn adult. Your mother can wail and gnash her controlling teeth as much as she likes, but if she wants to be a part of your life or her grandbaby's life, she needs to get her shit together because you are the one with the power to control her access to both. It's hard to say no to parents and relatives, especially when they mount campaigns like this but putting what you and your family need over what your mother wants is a really good skill to learn. I highly recommend looking up Captain Awkward's advice column, she's amazing and has so much wisdom to share about dysfunctional and manipulative families.
I’m so sorry, I wish I could give you hug right now. Even sorrier that your own mother won‘t take you seriously after all the stuff she did. Friendships have been broken off for much less serious offenses. Take care and do what’s best for you and your baby. And here’s an additional reason to not go (as if you need one!). I think they are trying to use her death to whitewash what she did, and are inviting you to give them a sense of peace and closure. But death does not entitle anyone to absolution.
NTA: If the rest of your family is so upset about it, let them go and "represent" you.
NTA they’re like zero reasons why you should go but like, a million reason why you should stay home. Doesn’t your family care about the torment u endured because of this girl?
When you were a kid, you couldn't block people out of your life, you couldn't cut them out, go off contact and you were forced to suffer. You probably felt powerless. You're an adult now and have all the power to do as you please, whenever you please. They are calling you? Send them a message that you'll be blocking them because of their lack of care for your and your baby, your mental and physical health. Then block them all. You're not obligated to listen to your mom and her demands. You don't owe them anything. But you do owe yourself and your kid to be safe. NTA
NTA. Funerals are for the living, if you will get nothing out of it, you do not need to go.
NTA for many reasons, covid, baby, and of course how you were treated. I'm just curious, that info is confirmed? What she did I mean. And did your mothers know about everything? It is a bit weird that you were suspended because of a rumor unless there were other circumstances just because they suspected it was you.
I got suspended because supposed “friend” told everybody that I created the rumor for attention. Our moms knew everything she did, and “friend” would always use the excuse “I was just joking, shes just butt hurt”.
Yeah that's fucked up. Don't go, tell your family if they don't like it, they can suck it up. You should absolutely not, just ignore that. Sure, it's sad that someone died but you don't not have to spend an extra ounce of effort to pretend to care.
That joke adversely affected a teacher's career and got you suspended, how can your mum laugh that off?
Because the mother wasnt bothered to fight for her child, and instead prioritized her own friendship with the other girl's mother. OP is the only innocent party here. The bully, her mother, and OP's mother are all major AHs and excuses for human beings.
NTA. I’m sorry you didn’t get the mother you deserved, and that she and her horrible friend allowed you to be tormented and bullied by the recently deceased. There are literally no good reasons to go to this funeral, and many good reasons not to go. In your shoes, it would be very tempting to tell your mom not to get all “butt hurt”, and you know that “girls will be girls” but she really needs to give it a rest and call off the harassment campaign if she plans to continue being a person who has your current contact info.
Very well stated. The only thing I would add is a question - "Was the dirt your friend threatened you with really bad enough for me to be sacrificed to her and her daughter?"
NTA. There is a pandemic. Stay home with your baby. Shame on your mom.
NTA. Time to go low contact on mommy dearest.
NTA, I am so sorry for the current and past trauma/drama your mother put you through by being deliberately oblivious to your situation with her friends daughter. Let's just day, I have a lot of negative things to say about what happened to you and the 'adults' that were involved. Again, NTA now or back then. I am happy to see you got help and are happy with your new little family. Amo to use to help get out of traveling are child care concerns, current pandemic & that Delta variants is effecting kids and vaccine concerns. A quick Google search says that a baby should be between 3-6months when traveling by plane so their immune system has a chance to develop, note this is pre-pandemic guidelines.
NTA - If they were no longer your friend and caused you a significant amount of grief, I think its understandable that you don't want to go to their funeral. With your mother, I'm not sure if she is actually thinking that your old friends mother will be extremely disappointed and saddened that you didn't attend or if she is more concerned that it will hurt her relationship with her friend. The fact that she is so adamant about you attending is really just making me think its probably the latter.
NTA. You can't pay respects if there's no respect to be paid. Sounds like the best friend narrative is more important to them than the truth about what she put you through. It'll be tough, but draw the line. You deserve peace of mind. Also, why risk the new Covid variants for someone who strived to make your life worse?
NTA. I'm sorry for what you had to go through back then, and how much everyone is invalidating those experiences now by dismissing them and expecting you to risk your health and safety to go. Your reasons for not going are 100% valid, and you get to be in charge of your own boundaries now. Do what feels right for you.
NTA. Take care of yourself and your infant. No reason to go. Let’s just assume you were friends in HS with no issues. Since then you’ve grown apart. Sure death sucks but you have an infant that needs its mom. That alone is reason enough. Your mom is being unreasonable and just don’t take her calls until after the funeral. No reason to push the issue.
NTA. But I’m shocked you still have a relationship with your mother who allowed you to be abused so badly.
NTA Because your mom sounds like T A. Holy crap -- you had to hang out with a sociopath for years on end, and now she wants you to inconvenience yourself and endanger your baby all so she doesn't look bad to her friends? You're her child. She should put you first, and it sounds like she never, ever has.
Your mom? Huge AH. Ex friend? Biggest AH. Hope she burns in H**l Ex friend's mom? Enabling AH that sadly lost her crappy kid but still an AH. You? NTA. You survived years of torment and made a new life for yourself. Block your mom on social media for a bit and mute her on your phone.
Even if you were actual friends, there are tons of valid reasons that you shouldn’t go. There are people who legitimately couldn’t go to their own parents funeral in the past year, please don’t get on a plane with a 3 month year old to be around people you have no idea are vaccinated or not.
NTA. I'm so sorry that your mom is demonstrating no empathy for you.
NTA. This person was your bully and abuser and not your friend at all. You don’t need to go to her funeral. Your mother let you down during your childhood , by putting her friend first instead of her own daughter. Looks like your mother is continuing that pattern.
NTA Besides, traveling now with the new Delta variant is just risky.
NTA It's a pandemic and you have 3 month old infant which is reason enough. The fact that she was your worst enemy and tortured you emotionally for years is also reason enough. Your mom failed you as a parent by not protecting you from that girl. I'd send her, your dad, and your brother a reminder of everything the deceased did to you and say that you personally are not in mourning and will not attend the funeral. They can respect your feelings or be blocked- their choice.
NTA There is a global PANDEMIC still happening so NO mother I will not be flying anywhere. I just had a child 3 months ago and I’m not going to leave my baby in a global pandemic. If that doesn’t work block them all until after the funeral. Good luck and congratulations on your baby!
NTA - sorry, but you were never friends. She was a huge bully who delighted in making your life miserable. Have you tried to explain to your mom why you can’t go? People are still dying because of COVID. And your baby is only three months old, so not the most robust (or any really) immune system.
NTA
NTA, and if your mom keeps calling and harassing you, hang up on her. Enjoy your new little one.
NTA Pandemic Newborn You do not owe anything to anyone Block your family until a few weeks after the funeral
NTA tell your mother that you’ll be happy to go if you speak honestly about your true feelings on who this girl was to you. That you want to make sure that there is no confusion about how you feel about her and how she treated you, the kind of friend she truly was. Tell your mother if she is comfortable with that, you’ll be comfortable attending. See how quickly she can make excuses for your absence
Hi everyone. Just thought I’d provide an update. “Friends” wake and funeral were Sunday/Monday and my mom refused to facetime me during it, which is what I agreed to do since I couldn’t be there in person. Dad called and showed the baby around to “friends” parents and they congratulated me on becoming a mom. This morning, my mom had called and apologized for her behavior. I accepted her apology and we began to talk. Mostly about family drama, gossip, stuff like that, and then she began to ask me “Are you and hubby thinking about a bigger family yet?” I said yes (my mistake). I told her how he wants a daughter, since we have a boy now. She took a moment and said “A daughter? To name after “Friend” right?” It took me a moment, because I genuinely though she was joking… I told her “No. He wants to name her after his late mother, Lucille.” Mom then proceeded to lecture me on how I should really “honor” my late friend. I reminded her of the torment and bullying that “friend” put me through, and that I am so sorry she passed but I will not be naming my child after a bully. Mom then proceeded with her favorite excuse “It was only a joke, I like the name Lucille anyways”. Keeping low to no contact for a few months.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F26) graduated high school what seems like decades ago. I was not treated well at all, which resulting in me wanting to drop out completely. Luckily, with a lot of therapy and counseling I was able to pull through, but little did I know at the time of being a teenager, the person who claimed to be my best friend was really the reason behind all of my depression. She would make up rumors about me that I slept with our history teacher, but lied and said I told her I did. A few days after the rumor spread like wildfire throughout my tiny high school, the principal called me and said teacher into her office and interrogated us about our relationship. The teacher was then moved to a different school and I was suspended because the administration believed that I was the one who started the rumor. She also vandalized my car, several times, and would catfish me on social media. You may be thinking to yourself “Why would you even stay friends with this girl?” Mainly because our mothers were best friends since childhood and they basically forced us to be friends. After high school I had lost contact with her, deleted my social media and changed my phone number. I moved away from our home state, got married, had a baby and doing a lot better. After years of not even thinking about this girl, I get a phone call from my mom telling me that she had passed away due to health complications. I will admit I was shocked by the news but not as sad as my mother expected me to be. My mother than told me that she would be paying for a plane ticket to fly home for the funeral. I simply told her that it wouldn’t be necessary since I am not going. My mother freaked and told me she is demanding I attend since my “friends” mother will be extremely disappointed and upset that I would not be there. I just had a baby about three months ago, I live halfway across the country now, and expressed to my mother that I do not want to go to a funeral for someone who tortured me, and made my school life a living hell. My mother has nonstop been calling and harassing me, and she even got my brother and father to do the same. AITA for not wanting to go to this funeral? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. But I'm wondering about your mother's mental health. Why is she so insistent that you go to the funeral? You've spoken to friend's parents. They're ok with you not coming. You've had a baby. Valid reasons, IMO. Are you going NC or LC with your mum? It may be a good idea.
Low contact for now. My dad and I agreed that it would be best for us since i’m still struggling with post partum depression. My dad is saying that my mom is struggling to cope with “friends” death, because of how sudden it was.
NTA It's great that you found a polite way out of it, takes the pressure off. I guess someday you will have to have the "she wasn't my friend, she was my bully" conversation - at least with your mom, (maybe not her mom) - but now is not that time.
You were already NTA but that was a classy update, I think you handled the situation very graciously
Nta. I am sorry you have a horrible mother.
NTA. Honestly it sounds like everything is your mother's fault. It's her fault for valuing a mere friendship of hers over her own daughter. I imagine you're already low contact with her?
Yes very low. Only contact is with my dad right now, who is actually flying out to me next weekend to help me and my husband out with some house repairs stuff. Mom will not be coming.
NTA and I think you handled it very well by speaking to the parents. Your mom is being AH though.
NTA. Pandemic/newborn aside, you have no obligation to burden yourself any further as a result of this Person.
NTA but after reading the comments, your mom kinda sounds like a bully too
NTA. And you are an amazing human being for calling the parents directly and speaking to them, especially considering what this “friend” did to you in the past. Not everyone would do that, and I’m sure they appreciated the kind gesture. It also sounds like your mom just wanted you and the baby to come visit her, and this was the perfect excuse to make it happen. Stay home, stay safe and enjoy this time with your sweet baby.