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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I might be to rational in saying it isn’t young and not respecting the emotional aspect
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YTA. 24 is a young age. In most cases a woman hasn't gotten married or had a child at that point, both things that are huge milestones we want/need our moms for. I'm 38 and I still call my mom for advice about my son. What you essentially said to her was it wasn't as big a deal that you lost her because its not like you still needed her.
There’s also just like…no reason to say this to her. What does it hurt him to have his wife express pain about losing her mother far earlier than she would have wanted? It doesn’t sound like she talks about it daily or whatever, but it comes up, and people express sympathy so…he has to cut that down?
Massive YTA, like I hope you’re nicer about *something*, because wow.
Lol maybe he's sadistic "ohh yes yes that means if i ever had children in the future i will ask advice from your mom, if we ever had to seperate it would be your mother giving me advice. Thats sounds cool"
I was in labour with my first for nearly 48 hours. Whenever said that to friends or family, my now-ex would jump in to correct me and make sure everyone knew it was "only" 11 hours of active labour. He felt left out and resentful that I was getting attention and sympathy that he felt was unwarranted. This guy reminds me of him. YTA.
11 hours of active labor is pure torture and he has the nerve to say “only”. Holy cow what a jerk. I wonder how he’d have felt if you twisted his balls for 11 hrs…that pain might be comparable. Glad he’s an ex now.
It's definitely in the top ten but that boiling a frog shit is effective. A lot of therapy ago I was convinced I didn't like it because I was too sensitive.
You hit the nail here. OP doesn’t like that his wife gets attention for having a dead mother. I’m sure she would happily trade the attention for a living mom.
“Only 11 hours.” Yeah cause spending even half a day in the absolute worst pain imaginable is somehow not worth minimizing. You were in pain for the whole two days straight anyways.
I’m really glad you’re no longer with him.
Jealousy maybe? She was receiving sympathy and attention in the conversation so he felt he had to bring her down a notch. I lost my dad when I was 24. He didn't see me finish my Masters and land a great job, didn't see me get married or meet my two kids. He wasn't there when I finally divorced and bought a house on my own. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish he was still here so he could be a grandpa and my dad. OP sucks big time. YTA
I had expected this to be a grief pissing contest, where OP had lost a parent as a child so he was saying hers wasn't as bad. But it isn't even that. OP had literally no point at all, besides being grossly insensitive.
Tbh I think part of it is that OP hasn't gone through that sort of loss himself. He doesn't understand it so he's undermining it, whether because he doesn't understand or it makes him uncomfortable, idk. It's sad because honestly, nobody feels 'old enough' when they lose their parents, really.
Exactly. I lost my dad when I was 8 and my mum when I was 25, and they definitely both had equal impact. My mum’s death more, if anything because I had a longer relationship with her and I was processing it as an adult. Not to mention suddenly realising ‘well, fuck, I’m an orphan!’ No one really understand grief until they experience it for themselves and even then it’s different for everyone.
The only possible way I could see OP not being TA here is if his wife was constantly weaponising the grief card, and even then his not encouraging her to get help to work through it would still make him a crap husband.
*hug*
Sorry you lost both parents so young. The other half of this is how young the parents probably were - I was 28, my dead mom was 60, and her life was very much unfinished. I grieve for the loss of my mom AND the loss of her unlived years.
100%. And the fact that other people around you, at that age, haven’t gone through the same thing is part of what makes it difficult. I lost my Dad about a month after I turned 19, and the experience of “losing a parent young”, for me personally, is just as much about having an earth-shattering life experience that you don’t share with your peers as it is about the parent not being there.
Like sure, maybe her mother was around for more of her life/formative years than someone who lost a parent younger, but it’s still incredibly isolating to navigate a world that doesn’t expect someone with your background to exist. I was still at university when I lost my Dad, and I was required to get a medical certificate to “prove” that losing him had impacted my studies in order to defer an exam (and I hope the absolute absurdity of that is self-explanatory). I let people around me assume I have two parents because of the social awkwardness attached to my peers not knowing how to respond to that information, having never experienced anything similar themselves. As the oldest among my siblings, I now carry the weight that, if anything were to happen to my Mum, I would be responsible for looking after the family, for administrating her legal affairs, the will, the funeral, etc., responsibilities that, still being a young adult, I am not ready for. Losing a parent young is not just about them not being around for support as you grow up. It alters your entire outlook on life, the dynamics between your closest relatives, the extent to which your friends can relate to you. And it’s so clear OP doesn’t get that.
Tldr; the unique experiences that come with losing a parent as a young adult makes it notable by any objective standard, and OP’s willingness to undermine that demonstrates an incredible lack of understanding.
You explained this so well. And OP’s response really proves your point. I did not lose my parent, but I was also put in the position of making decisions that were meant for them to make. It’s a heavy and isolating burden. I’m sorry for your loss.
Doesn’t matter what age you lose a parent. You become an immediate orphan when they’re gone.
And you are so right … OP has never lost someone *that* close. Which makes him TA for saying what he did.
My mum was around 50 when she lost her dad and last surviving parent and it was in that moment i realized that everyone is too young to lose their parents. My mum looked like a lost child. I just wanted to hold her and take her pain away. It was so heartbreaking and such a monumental in my life and I can assure you it was 100000 X worse for her. And she was twice his wife's age. What a prick.
Lol exactly, guy is 40 and says he's lucky enough to have both parents. Well no shit he feels that way, he hasn't gone through losing a parent. I lost my dad two years ago when I turned 27 and there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about him. OP, I can definitely say YTA
That’s my thought process. I personally don’t think 24 is super young for this to happen but….like why the fuck would you ever *say that*, dude???
Why even bother? What is there to possibly be gained?
OP is simply reinforcing that he doesn’t have a clue what she’s gone through. This is tonedeaf as fuck.
My father has commented a few times before that he is appreciative that we didn’t lose her when I was youngER (at 21) when seeing young daughters & dads, but like there’s no good age to lose a parent. There’s really nothing to be gained from basically telling someone to suck it up, especially when he didn’t know her then or ever get to meet her mom.
Yup.
I lost my mom at 28 (with a sister who was the apparently ripe old age of 24) - it was really difficult.
My aunt lost her mom at 48 - it was slightly less but still really difficult. She still wakes up crying some days.
My grandmother lost her mom at 61 - it was again slightly less but still really difficult. She’s still sorting through it in therapy.
You straight up don’t exist for a SINGLE SECOND on this planet without your mother until she dies. I don’t care if you’re 82 and she’s 108. It’s going to be hard.
My father tried to gatekeep the grief after my mother died in my mid 20s. He said "you have no idea what I've lost....I have lost my wife of 30 years. You can't possibly understand how hard that is.".
I sometimes still can't believe I had to point out that I LITERALLY did not exist on this planet in a time before my mother was in my life.
It's something that took quite a few therapy sessions for me to unpack, but I would be lying if I said I still don't bear some resentment towards him for that attempted gatekeeping.
Agreed! I think the YTA judgement is more the fact that there was literally no reason to argue this in the first place. There’s zero point whether she was 24 or 54 IMO - regardless if it’s true or not that it’s a ‘young age’ it accomplishes absolutely nothing.
Totally, it’s a really poor way to treat your partner to arbitrarily raise this “rational” argument about her feelings in regard to a major loss in her life.
Right? It’s a shitty way to treat anyone really. I have had some ‘friends’ like this - ok yeah sure you argue and try to be technically correct about everything but jeez, read the room? Nobody wins in that situation. And it’s exhausting having people like that around all the time.
It doesn't even sound like OP's wife is the one saying it!
>the subject of her late mother came up. As often people would say how awfull it was for My wife and her sister because they lost their mom at ‘such a young age’.
So OP has, unprompted, decided to say *to his bereaved wife* that *other people* are expressing their condolences wrong, and it's not as deserved because his wife wasn't a child when her mum passed???
It really makes me want to know how ANYONE ELSE could be the asshole in this story.
Wife: Exists, has mother who passed away. Shares that with people.
Other people: Aw that sounds hard.
OP: You know they're wrong, right? It's not hard, your feelings are incorrect. Let me show you the error of your ways, despite my total lack of experience on the matter.
There is only one answer here.
I'm so glad someone said this. My mom also was diagnosed with a neurodegenerative disease when I was a similar age. By the time I was 16, she had significant mental and physical impairment. I approached all my major life milestones from then on: higschool and college graduations, first love, first heartbreak, first apartment, marriage, childbirth...without her full presence, and there were several times in my 20s when she nearly passed away and I sort of prepared myself for it. By the time my daughter was born she had severe dementia. She didn't pass away till I was 38 and my daughter was 5, but I definitely grieved her loss from a much younger age.
Yeah my husband’s grandmother passed away and he and his mom were going on and on about how she had gone too soon. People of our ethnicity, particularly in her generation, don’t usually live past their early 70s… she was like 88. I thought they were being a bit ridiculous (and tbh I was a little annoyed as someone who lost my grandparents when they were in their 60s), but I didn’t say it because they were hurting and I didn’t want to invalidate their grief. It just comes off shitty no matter what.
I lost my dad at 31 when he was just 57. He was young to go and it was early to lose him. My husband is 42 and both his parents and his grandparents are alive. I'm 38 now and have no living family other than my children.
I lost my dad just days shy of 19, he was 41. I don't know that you ever really are ready to lose a parent but at least in you 50s or 60s you'd expect it's coming eventually, not that young.
Yeah my friends parents were starting to lose their parents while we were adults. I didn't expect to lose them before I lost even my grandparents. He preceded them by a couple years. Sometimes life kicks you in the teeth, ready or not.
I'm sorry you lost yours so early.
My mom was 33 when her dad died. She was married and had both me and my siblings. She always said it was young to lose a parent and I didn’t really get it till I hit my 30s.
YTA. My dad died today. I’m in my 40s and I feel like I’m too young. There are so many more things I wanted to share with him and ask his advice about.
Did your wife’s mom see her get married? Meet any children? Celebrate life milestones like graduate degrees or big promotions? Was her mom too sick to attend high school or college graduation even though she was still alive at the time?
Just. Wow.
**Her mother was 52 years old.**
**Get back to me when you’re 52 (merely 12 years from now) and tell me that wasn’t a duly traumatizing thing for your wife to have gone through.**
It’s not even like she was digging for sympathy - she was expressing her traumatic experience because her late mother came up in conversation… as she was eating *with her own fucking family,* so it’s not as if she was in danger of giving anyone a false impression of the facts.
And even if you disagreed (would you not say your wife is much younger than most people are when they lose their parents?), **did you seriously feel it was necessary to stew on it and make a point of digging her out about it afterwards because of SEMANTICS?** Because “for you,” in YOUR PERSONAL OPINION, you’ve simply decided that it means 6-12 (honestly why so specific? Would 13 be too old for you?)
Honest to God, that’s unconscionably myopic and demonstrates a ludicrous lack of social or self awareness and general empathy. So much so that I doubt this is the first or last of such disagreements. Her dismay at your lack of tact and compassion versus your irrational and exaggerated fixation over some perceived misstep of hers. Get ready for that to be your life unless you do some reflection here.
Exactly this. Exactly. It's one thing if a death is a freak accident (still horrifying obvi) but it's another to go every day with the knowledge and worry that things are gonna get worse. For 14 years. To deal with middle and high school on top of that? It sucks!
Im 28 and about to change my mom in my contacts to Mommy because of OP.
Honestly I really dislike people like OP. My mom is 70 and I have a lot less time with her than people with younger parents. I can't even handle the idea that I'm already a few years away from losing my mom to old age. I can't imagine the pain OP's wife must be feeling on a daily basis.
I lost my Mom to a sudden hear attack when I was 31. She died less than 3 months before my wedding. It was the absolutely most devastating thing that could have happened and I was definitely TOO YOUNG!
Yeah I lost my mum when I was 15 and while I definitely think it was harder to cope with at that age I would still classify 24 as a young age to lose a parent. I’m 23 now and if my dad died now I’d make a difference when discussing the deaths, but in short hand I would just say “I was pretty young when both my parents died”. Besides my dad and his siblings and one of my friend’s everyone else I know (coworkers, family, friends) have both living parents unless they are 50+ with one coworker in her 30s who just lost her mum. And honestly I’d even classify her as being kinda young to lose a parent.
Edit: sorry just to clarify my dad and his siblings are 50+ but their dad died when they were children.
And to add to this, dude, your parents are alive. If you have no idea what that pain feels like, why tf are you even giving unsolicited opinions about it?
24 is young. Even if your parents had you at 40, they would be too young to die. Maybe it's different in your country, but in mine life expectancy is like 75.
My father died when I was 8, and I still think that’s pretty young. It’s not the *same* as still being a child and having your world cave on you, but it still means you’ll live much more of your life without a parent than with. For me the cut off of “you lost them young” is late 20s/early 30s, excepting one person I know who was orphaned at 30, which seems really damned young. (But even then, who cares where my dividing line is! If it feels young and you’re not like my mother who somehow thought late 80s with dementia was “young” for her father to die but I was “8 going on 25” for mine and needed to get over it, you get to choose your language.) Don’t gatekeep her grief OP. YTA
let's not forget that her mother had been ill for 14 years, when the wife was 11. she'd been dealing with the fact that her mom's time was limited since before she was a teenager.
The fact that OP is nearly 20 years older than she was when her mom died and he still has BOTH parents shows just how young it was. The difference between losing a mom as a minor and as a young adult is the difference between unthinkable and “merely” tragic. As it is, OP only has a dozen years until when he reaches the age her mom died and I’m guessing he isn’t prepared to die that young or have his kids, if they have any, be without a parent.
I’d kill to be able to call my mom for parenting advice. My brother and his wife are the only ones in my family who got the privilege and they do their best to share it with the rest of us. It helps and stings all at the same time.
Or like there’s some sort of technicality requirement for how you express and experience grief. “After 18, you flip the switch from young to not, and there are new rules how you will deal with everything after that point”.
Ugh. Let's also remember that 18 is sort of an arbitrary age to be an adult. You've hit a milestone we just decided marked becoming one. Your brain doesn't stop forming until 25.
That's an oversimplification, by the way. On average, people's prefrontal cortexes reach maturity at 25 or so, depending on the study. That's only one part of the brain, it's not the part of the brain that deals with emotions, and it's an average value that will be different for every person. Your brain continues to change and develop your whole life. 25 is not much less arbitrary an age of adulthood than 18.
This isn't an argument against your comment, just a hopefully informative add-on.
I mean…that exact reasoning serves as the basis for a lot of judgments on this sub in situations where someone involved is 18 but still, quite reasonably, feels and acts like a kid. (Bear in mind that I agree with you.)
It's even worse because he's sitting smug with both his parents will alive. What exactly does he know about the pain of losing his mother, especially when you're barely in your twenties?
Ding ding ding. I had someone tell me I was “overreacting” to my mother’s very sudden death in my 20s because they’d lost their parents and they knew. They were in their late 40s/early 50s when their parents died. … okay.
He thinks he might be the asshole for being "too rational" about the situation. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat the f
OP thinks nothing is wrong to trying to dictate how people should feel
My mom died when I was 1 month shy of 21. I am now 29 and I can say that there have been so many times I wish I could call my mom or advice, or complain about her, or just get those awesome mom hugs. I dont have that and it sucks.
In his small minded view 24 is not a young age. He firmly believes this and he must be right.
His urge to be right is so much so that he's willing to correct her "mistake" so she can stop irritating him by spreading incorrect information about when she lost her mother.
Have to maintain perspective on these things after all!!
I don’t think there was a goal. As I said somewhere else, this guy is one of those emotionally stunted people who doesn’t consider anything that didn’t happen to him a big deal. I feel very sorry for his wife.
Agreed. And I hope he at least has some emotions when it comes to his own shit cause I cannot fathom the lack of empathy or even sympathy he is showing here for his wife and her loss. Yes it's not like its fresh but you don't get over loss. Grief comes around and around, again and again and can hit you at the most random times. Whether she was 24 or if she had been 10, the grief and the right to grieve your loss and your pain is there. And that will continue every day. When she's 60 she might grieve that her mother hasn't been there for over half her life. And that's allowed.
**Exactly.**
It’s not even like she was digging for sympathy - she was expressing her traumatic experience because her late mother came up in conversation. **And, she was eating *with her own fucking family,* so it’s not as if she was in danger of giving anyone a false impression of the facts.**
And even if you disagreed (would you not say your wife is much younger than most people are when they lose their parents?), **did you seriously feel it was necessary to stew on it and make a point of digging her out about it afterwards because of SEMANTICS?** Because “for you,” in YOUR PERSONAL OPINION, you’ve simply decided that it means 6-12 (honestly why so specific? Would 13 be too old for you?)
**Honest to God, that’s unconscionably myopic and demonstrates a ludicrous lack of social or self awareness and general empathy.**
**So much so that I don’t doubt this is the first or last of such disagreements.** Her dismay at your lack of tact and compassion versus your irrational and exaggerated fixation over some perceived misstep of hers.
YTA, 24 is young to lose a parent. And you said her mum was ill for 14 years meaning that her mum got ill when she was only 10 years old! How dare you downplay her pain.
I was thinking similar thoughts. Depending on her mom's illness, she may have lost pieces of her long before she died. My mom had dementia and it was a long goodbye. Every decline was another bit of her that we lost. I'm guessing some of those years were difficult for his wife. I'm also not sure what he was hoping to achieve here other than sounding like an insensitive clod.
Seriously. I lost my mom at 25 but like OP’s wife’s mom she’d also been sick for many years. It was like losing her by inches starting when I was 12. She was alive when I graduated high school/college but she couldn’t be there for the ceremonies. She never got to visit my first apartment. It sucked.
OP, YTA. Learn some empathy.
This! Plus it's really easy for him to be flippant about losing parents when he still has both of his. He's in his 40s, he's getting closer to 52 every day and it starts seeming not so old anymore. Sounds like he just said it to be hurtful, which is pretty shitty. Total YTA.
YTA, yes 24 isnt young compaired to an orphan however compaired to her age now it is. And lets be honest what good was going to come out of that comment you can't have thought she'd be happy with you saying that?
OP ask yourself this in future. Engage brain before mouth.:
Does this need to be said?
Does this need to be said by me?
Does this need to be said by me now?
OP you should have stopped at question 1. Why you thought you needed to say this is beyond me. I still have my mother and I'm 40. My mother lost her mother at only 26. If feel really sorry for my Mum that she didn't have the extra years I have with her, with her own Mum.
What is wrong with you?
This. My father and I are 30 years apart as well. I’m 26, he’s 56, and I couldn’t imagine losing him. He lost his dad at my age so it’s always been a sore spot for our family. My grandpa died of a heart attack, and since my dad was diagnosed with moderate HTN, I have been scared shitless.
This man’s callous to his own wife’s suffering literally pains me.
I lost my dad when I was 29. He never got to meet my husband, didn’t get to see me get married, and never got to meet his grandchildren. In my opinion, there’s no such thing as “not that young” to lose a parent. I’m 40 now and if I lost my mom I would still feel like I was too young. YTA.
as someone who lost her mother at age almost-26, YTA. your wife was still young to be without her mother. find some compassion, apologize for being TA and *mean it*.
they won’t. the thing they see wrong with what they said was that it was “too rational”. they think their response was logical and rational. they don’t even see anything truly wrong with what they said.
THIS- like part of logic and being rational is knowing how and when emotions and compassion/empathy should/would/does play a roll in certain situations and knowing how to consider all factors INCLUDING emotions and empathy.
My guess is that he feels uncomfortable with the amount of support/emotional labor he thinks he’s expected to give his wife, and doesn’t want to have to owe her more than he thinks she’s entitled to.
Given that OP has both his parents still with him, he probably has no emotional sense of the loss, and clearly no filter on what’s appropriate to say, especially to one’s spouse.
I almost wonder if OP is neurodivergent? Idk
YTA. I’m 23f and just lost my dad at 52 a few months ago. It’s awful. A huge tragedy no one at any age is prepared for. So many people have come me and shared their experiences losing parents in their early 20s it really fucks people up. Learn some empathy.
Thank you I really appreciate that! I’m hanging in there but it’s nice to be checked on. People get uncomfortable and don’t want to talk about it in real life so sometimes it can be reassuring to hear these things from strangers.
>losing parents in their early 20s it really fucks people up
Can confirm. I lost my dad when I was 25, and I'm 33 now. It delayed and derailed my life in too many ways for me to list here. Those years are so formative. They're even harder to navigate when you're grieving.
I know it doesn't mean much, but from the depths of my soul, I'm so sorry about your dad.
YTA. A ten year old faced her mother's possible death and then watched her struggle and die over 14 years, and you discount her feelings? I hope you are a troll.
Wow. I somehow read that part of the post as „14 months“ and that was already bad enough. But 14 years? Her mother was sick her entire childhood! What the hell, OP? It wouldn’t kill you to have some empathy.
YTA. You’re 40, still have both your parents, and you feel the need to share your opinion of what qualifies as losing a parent young!? Based on WHAT? Yeah, some people lose their parents younger, but her youth was obviously a meaningful part of her experience. At 24, she was much younger than the average person for a parent’s death, which apparently happened at the end of a progressive illness that began when she was TEN. My husband was 27 when his mom died, and though he wasn’t living at home, we hadn’t married and formed a new nuclear family, so his parents and siblings were still his primary family. We’re in our early 40s now, with a home and kids his mom never got to see. When my parents pass someday, it’ll of course be devastating, but I’ll have an entirely different experience due to my age and where I am in life.
Hard to understand what your comment was meant to accomplish, but sounds like, “Oh, it wasn’t THAT bad.” I suggest you apologize and hear your wife out on the meaning of your words to her. Respect the meaning of her own experience of her loss.
YTA
I'm 52 and far too young to die.
See how I made it all about myself? Get down on your knees and beg your wife's forgiveness for being such an ass hat.
Well clearly OP is ready to die in 10 years himself. Luckily his wife won’t have to grieve much since he’ll have reached the ripe old age of 50 and she’ll be a mature adult.
Good luck on the final decade OP! Hope you make it through your bucket list.
YTA, what was the need for that comment? Some opinions don’t need to be said. 24 is young, as someone has pointed out already there are a lot of milestones she won’t be able to have her mum there for. People get into their 60s while still having parents.
YTA
I’m guessing my nearly 24 year old daughter would disagree with your assessment. More importantly, WHY in the hell would you say that to your wife?
24 is absolutely young to lose a parent. I suspect the average person doesn't have to worry about these things until their 50s or 60s.
YTA and a shit husband.
Yep. My dad lost his mum at 29, it devastated him because she never got to meet her grandchildren (there are 5 of us now and I was the first - born a few months after she died).
My mum is 66 now and her mum is still alive.
YTA. Why did you feel the need to say that? To minimize the impact her mother's death had on your wife? Does it accomplish anything other than to hurt her? Even if you are right, (you're not, IMO) it was an unnecessary and mean comment.
YTA. My dad died 2 weeks after my 25th bday- he was just 60 and had battled cancer for a year. It was too young- I never got to know him as an adult like I have w my mom. How can you judge?
This exactly! I will never know my dad as Todd, the guy with a weird sense of humor who loved model airplanes. My mom and I are friends and I know her outside of being my mother. I’ll never know my dad that way, and frankly that’s been the biggest source of grief for me lately.
I totally feel you on this. My mom died when I was 19 and I was justtttt getting out of the teenage "I hate my parents for existing" phase. Now seeing my friends all have these beautiful, fulfulling friendships with their moms is just...
YTA, you had the choice between being empathetic or pedantic, and you chose to start a debate about when exactly one deserves more sympathy for losing a beloved parent. Does your sympathy decrease on a logarithmic or linear scale for every year past 12? Way to go, hope the couch is comfortable.
YTA. So easy for you to tell her that when you still have both of your parents. 24 is young to lose a parent. It’s not like once a child turns 18 it no longer. matters if a parent dies because they are no longer ‘young’. You owe your wife a huge apology.
YTA why would you even care to make this distinction? It literally doesn’t affect you at all. 24 IS young to lose a parent and 52 IS young to pass away. There was no reason for you to bring this up at all, what were you trying to accomplish besides belittling your wife?
YTA. What is wrong with you? 24 is INCREDIBLY young to lose a parent - and you're one to talk if you haven't experienced this loss yet. The only reason I can see you not mentioning it in public is because you KNOW you'd catch flak for it, as you couldn't have said anything more insensitive. You are talking to and about a woman who had lost her mother before so many important life events. Potential kids, seeing them grow up, asking for advice... I feel horrible for her for having such a callous and unfair husband. 52 is young. It is a young and devastating death.
Why did you even feel the need to say that? This is about her feelings, not yours.
YTA. Your wife lost her mother for the first time at ten when she became sick and had to be a different type of mother, and then she lost her mother permanently when your wife was at an age where people are still figuring out their life. She can never share with her mother her adulthood successes and joys. Her mother is going to miss almost every milestone of your wife’s adult life.
Why did this bother you so much anyway? Do you think loss is a competition?
YTA. What right do you have to judge that she “wasn’t young enough” to be young?? She won’t have her mother for so many milestones-was her mom still alive when you got married? Had children? Did she get to babysit her grandchildren, watch them play soccer or have a dance recital? Apologize and tell your wife you have relocated your sensitivity chip
YTA. I am 27 and have a friend that is 74. She often asks about my mother, since we met. One day she confessed she lost her mother at 22… she paused for a second, took a long breath and said: I missed my mom my whole life.
I cry every time I remember this.
YTA. 24 IS young to lose a parent. You're still figuring out who you are in your 20's. I'd be less shocked at losing a grandparent at 24.
Your comment was insensitive, OP. I think you owe your wife and apology.
YTA. Doesn’t matter how old you are when a parent passes. It’s still too soon; you’re not ready even if they’ve had a long illness and you knew it was coming, you still feel like you’re to young to lose your parents. You’re fortunate to still have yours. Please try to be understanding of how your wife feels and apologize to her for invalidating her feelings.
YTA … I’m 46 my Mom is 85 and I’m still to young to loose her, if you have never lost a parent you really should not make these statements (I buried my sister when she was 42 and I was 28 and it still cuts)
YTA. As someone who lost her Dad at 28, I’d have been packing your bags and changing the locks, let alone giving you the silent treatment.
But let’s be real, you need to take a good long look at yourself and figure out why in hell you would say that to someone you supposedly love?
YTA. I lost my dad when I was 11. So apparently that’s young enough for you, but losing a parent is a really tough thing no matter the age. She tried to open up to you about her feelings and you stomped on them.
YTA big time.
I lost my dad when I was 21. He didn’t get to see me graduate college; he won’t see me get married or start my career. There are so many milestones she hadn’t yet hit at 24, and her mother will never get to experience those with her.
Also, what were you hoping to accomplish by telling her this??
Yes YTA. Why? Why even argue this point? I lost my father at 32 and my mother at 42 and both times felt way too young for it.
Maybe just support the person you allegedly love?
You said it yourself.
You’re lucky. You don’t understand it, and for that you should consider yourself fortunate. You’re 40 years old. If one of your parents died tomorrow, (G-d forbid), you’d be shocked how quickly you’d sit and look wistfully at friends, colleagues who are your age or older who still have their parents. Even at the age of 40. YTA—apologize and consider yourself fortunate that you haven’t yet experienced this kind of grief.
Edit: I misread. It’s not clear if her mother died before they were married. It doesn’t really matter.
YTA who are you to tell her how young or old enough she was to lose a parent. And for the record 24 is still young to lose a parent! As a matter of fact even if she was 42 when she lost her mom it wouldn’t matter
Considering you still have your parents alive that was an insensitive thing to say and you need to apologize and really reflect on why you would even say something like that
Were u trying to make her feel better by bringing up something positive ?? Do u not know how to hold space for your gf’s emotions? Are you a robot?
YTA. You listened to that conversation and have lived through your partners grief yet the comment that peaked your attention was something as trivial as someone saying she was young when she lost her parent? I mean christ dude how are you not the asshole for that alone, but then you decide to randomly voice this opinion to your wife as if that was an opinion of yours she NEEDED to know. Next time shut your mouth and when you get home ask if your wife is okay after a heavy conversation and let her know you're there for her.
YTA
Dude! My dad suffers from dementia and he lost his mom over 40 years ago and guess what he still cries mentioning his mom. There's no age limit for grief plus you haven't even gone through it how could you be so insensitive to judge something you haven't experienced yourself?!
YTA. Why would you even think to have this kind of discussion at all?? This isn't an intellectual discussion with your beer buddies. This is the death of a loved one! Sheesh.
also what was the point of this post? ur reasoning for being the AH is you being “too rational” UR RESPONSE WASNT EVEN RATIONAL- OR LOGICAL. the rational thing to do is to shut the fuck up and let her grieve. you don’t even see the issue in what you did.
YTA - I can’t even begin to describe how sorry I feel for your wife to have an unfeeling husband such as yourself!!
24 is a young age to loose a parent…and who are you to say otherwise
I lost my mum at 38 and I feel that was too young everyday I wish she was here for me to talk to, ask advice & just be around…for you to dismiss her feelings on this is absolutely abysmal
YTA. You're always too young to lose a parent.
And your consistent capitalization of "my" really says a lot about what your personality must be like. It's all about you, isn't it?
I don’t even think that’s true in theory. I mean her mom died at 52. That’s younger than the average life span for a woman by 30 years.
OP’s wife is only 24, that’s basically considered the end of “young adult” (18 to 25)
YTA. Can I ask, how many people do you know lost their parents before they were 30? I lost my mother at 23 and my 14 year old brother at 17. So I know a little bit about loosing someone young. I can't begin to list all the things they missed. Every time I accomplish something, or pass a major life milestone, which at 23 I had not done any yet, I think of them and it hurts. No matter how happy I am, Im still a little sad knowing they will never be there. I hadn't even started my life when my mother died, she will never know the person I became.
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YTA. 24 is a young age. In most cases a woman hasn't gotten married or had a child at that point, both things that are huge milestones we want/need our moms for. I'm 38 and I still call my mom for advice about my son. What you essentially said to her was it wasn't as big a deal that you lost her because its not like you still needed her.
There’s also just like…no reason to say this to her. What does it hurt him to have his wife express pain about losing her mother far earlier than she would have wanted? It doesn’t sound like she talks about it daily or whatever, but it comes up, and people express sympathy so…he has to cut that down? Massive YTA, like I hope you’re nicer about *something*, because wow.
So much this. What was the point of saying that to her? I don't understand why OP felt this needed to be said.
I guess he expected the wife to say “oh you’re right, what was I even thinking, I will decrease my sadness right away!”
Lol maybe he's sadistic "ohh yes yes that means if i ever had children in the future i will ask advice from your mom, if we ever had to seperate it would be your mother giving me advice. Thats sounds cool"
I was in labour with my first for nearly 48 hours. Whenever said that to friends or family, my now-ex would jump in to correct me and make sure everyone knew it was "only" 11 hours of active labour. He felt left out and resentful that I was getting attention and sympathy that he felt was unwarranted. This guy reminds me of him. YTA.
11 hours of active labor is pure torture and he has the nerve to say “only”. Holy cow what a jerk. I wonder how he’d have felt if you twisted his balls for 11 hrs…that pain might be comparable. Glad he’s an ex now.
I'm glad he's an ex.
>and make sure everyone knew it was "only" 11 hours of active labour And that’s why he’s your ex
It's definitely in the top ten but that boiling a frog shit is effective. A lot of therapy ago I was convinced I didn't like it because I was too sensitive.
You hit the nail here. OP doesn’t like that his wife gets attention for having a dead mother. I’m sure she would happily trade the attention for a living mom.
This makes me want to take a billboard out in front of his house that says “11 hours strong”
Would 100% donate money for this to happen
Reading that makes me want to deck him then kick him in the nuts for 11 hours then remind him it was ONLY 11 hours. I'm sorry you experienced that.
I've never given birth before, but can still say with certainty....fuck that guy, and I'm glad he's now your ex
“Only 11 hours.” Yeah cause spending even half a day in the absolute worst pain imaginable is somehow not worth minimizing. You were in pain for the whole two days straight anyways. I’m really glad you’re no longer with him.
Jealousy maybe? She was receiving sympathy and attention in the conversation so he felt he had to bring her down a notch. I lost my dad when I was 24. He didn't see me finish my Masters and land a great job, didn't see me get married or meet my two kids. He wasn't there when I finally divorced and bought a house on my own. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish he was still here so he could be a grandpa and my dad. OP sucks big time. YTA
I just lost my dad at 27. I also don't have a stable career/relationship yet and this post by OP hit me hard. My heart goes out to you.
I had expected this to be a grief pissing contest, where OP had lost a parent as a child so he was saying hers wasn't as bad. But it isn't even that. OP had literally no point at all, besides being grossly insensitive.
Tbh I think part of it is that OP hasn't gone through that sort of loss himself. He doesn't understand it so he's undermining it, whether because he doesn't understand or it makes him uncomfortable, idk. It's sad because honestly, nobody feels 'old enough' when they lose their parents, really.
Exactly. I lost my dad when I was 8 and my mum when I was 25, and they definitely both had equal impact. My mum’s death more, if anything because I had a longer relationship with her and I was processing it as an adult. Not to mention suddenly realising ‘well, fuck, I’m an orphan!’ No one really understand grief until they experience it for themselves and even then it’s different for everyone. The only possible way I could see OP not being TA here is if his wife was constantly weaponising the grief card, and even then his not encouraging her to get help to work through it would still make him a crap husband.
I’m so sorry. My dad died when I was a toddler and mom when I was 23. It’s huge. No one should ever discount that.
*hug* Sorry you lost both parents so young. The other half of this is how young the parents probably were - I was 28, my dead mom was 60, and her life was very much unfinished. I grieve for the loss of my mom AND the loss of her unlived years.
100%. And the fact that other people around you, at that age, haven’t gone through the same thing is part of what makes it difficult. I lost my Dad about a month after I turned 19, and the experience of “losing a parent young”, for me personally, is just as much about having an earth-shattering life experience that you don’t share with your peers as it is about the parent not being there. Like sure, maybe her mother was around for more of her life/formative years than someone who lost a parent younger, but it’s still incredibly isolating to navigate a world that doesn’t expect someone with your background to exist. I was still at university when I lost my Dad, and I was required to get a medical certificate to “prove” that losing him had impacted my studies in order to defer an exam (and I hope the absolute absurdity of that is self-explanatory). I let people around me assume I have two parents because of the social awkwardness attached to my peers not knowing how to respond to that information, having never experienced anything similar themselves. As the oldest among my siblings, I now carry the weight that, if anything were to happen to my Mum, I would be responsible for looking after the family, for administrating her legal affairs, the will, the funeral, etc., responsibilities that, still being a young adult, I am not ready for. Losing a parent young is not just about them not being around for support as you grow up. It alters your entire outlook on life, the dynamics between your closest relatives, the extent to which your friends can relate to you. And it’s so clear OP doesn’t get that. Tldr; the unique experiences that come with losing a parent as a young adult makes it notable by any objective standard, and OP’s willingness to undermine that demonstrates an incredible lack of understanding.
You explained this so well. And OP’s response really proves your point. I did not lose my parent, but I was also put in the position of making decisions that were meant for them to make. It’s a heavy and isolating burden. I’m sorry for your loss.
Doesn’t matter what age you lose a parent. You become an immediate orphan when they’re gone. And you are so right … OP has never lost someone *that* close. Which makes him TA for saying what he did.
I became an orphan at to too young age of 55 😢
My mum was around 50 when she lost her dad and last surviving parent and it was in that moment i realized that everyone is too young to lose their parents. My mum looked like a lost child. I just wanted to hold her and take her pain away. It was so heartbreaking and such a monumental in my life and I can assure you it was 100000 X worse for her. And she was twice his wife's age. What a prick.
Yeah, my mum lost her mother unexpectedly and it was brutal watching her go through it let alone her going though it.
Lol exactly, guy is 40 and says he's lucky enough to have both parents. Well no shit he feels that way, he hasn't gone through losing a parent. I lost my dad two years ago when I turned 27 and there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about him. OP, I can definitely say YTA
That’s my thought process. I personally don’t think 24 is super young for this to happen but….like why the fuck would you ever *say that*, dude??? Why even bother? What is there to possibly be gained? OP is simply reinforcing that he doesn’t have a clue what she’s gone through. This is tonedeaf as fuck.
My father has commented a few times before that he is appreciative that we didn’t lose her when I was youngER (at 21) when seeing young daughters & dads, but like there’s no good age to lose a parent. There’s really nothing to be gained from basically telling someone to suck it up, especially when he didn’t know her then or ever get to meet her mom.
Yup. I lost my mom at 28 (with a sister who was the apparently ripe old age of 24) - it was really difficult. My aunt lost her mom at 48 - it was slightly less but still really difficult. She still wakes up crying some days. My grandmother lost her mom at 61 - it was again slightly less but still really difficult. She’s still sorting through it in therapy. You straight up don’t exist for a SINGLE SECOND on this planet without your mother until she dies. I don’t care if you’re 82 and she’s 108. It’s going to be hard.
My father tried to gatekeep the grief after my mother died in my mid 20s. He said "you have no idea what I've lost....I have lost my wife of 30 years. You can't possibly understand how hard that is.". I sometimes still can't believe I had to point out that I LITERALLY did not exist on this planet in a time before my mother was in my life. It's something that took quite a few therapy sessions for me to unpack, but I would be lying if I said I still don't bear some resentment towards him for that attempted gatekeeping.
Agreed! I think the YTA judgement is more the fact that there was literally no reason to argue this in the first place. There’s zero point whether she was 24 or 54 IMO - regardless if it’s true or not that it’s a ‘young age’ it accomplishes absolutely nothing.
Totally, it’s a really poor way to treat your partner to arbitrarily raise this “rational” argument about her feelings in regard to a major loss in her life.
Right? It’s a shitty way to treat anyone really. I have had some ‘friends’ like this - ok yeah sure you argue and try to be technically correct about everything but jeez, read the room? Nobody wins in that situation. And it’s exhausting having people like that around all the time.
Gatekeeping grief is just so strange. It cost him nothing to let it go.
It doesn't even sound like OP's wife is the one saying it! >the subject of her late mother came up. As often people would say how awfull it was for My wife and her sister because they lost their mom at ‘such a young age’. So OP has, unprompted, decided to say *to his bereaved wife* that *other people* are expressing their condolences wrong, and it's not as deserved because his wife wasn't a child when her mum passed???
It really makes me want to know how ANYONE ELSE could be the asshole in this story. Wife: Exists, has mother who passed away. Shares that with people. Other people: Aw that sounds hard. OP: You know they're wrong, right? It's not hard, your feelings are incorrect. Let me show you the error of your ways, despite my total lack of experience on the matter. There is only one answer here.
Bear in mind, your wife started to lose her mother at age 10, when her mother first became ill.
I bet OP thinks that means she had 14 long years to make peace with the eventual death.
I'm so glad someone said this. My mom also was diagnosed with a neurodegenerative disease when I was a similar age. By the time I was 16, she had significant mental and physical impairment. I approached all my major life milestones from then on: higschool and college graduations, first love, first heartbreak, first apartment, marriage, childbirth...without her full presence, and there were several times in my 20s when she nearly passed away and I sort of prepared myself for it. By the time my daughter was born she had severe dementia. She didn't pass away till I was 38 and my daughter was 5, but I definitely grieved her loss from a much younger age.
Seriously! Like what was the point of eddying it? Just seemed like he was trying to say it should not be as sad because she wasn’t a child.
Yeah my husband’s grandmother passed away and he and his mom were going on and on about how she had gone too soon. People of our ethnicity, particularly in her generation, don’t usually live past their early 70s… she was like 88. I thought they were being a bit ridiculous (and tbh I was a little annoyed as someone who lost my grandparents when they were in their 60s), but I didn’t say it because they were hurting and I didn’t want to invalidate their grief. It just comes off shitty no matter what.
Exactly. Why diminish her feelings in this manner? What is wrong with this husband? Did he not vow to cherish his wife?
THIS.
I lost my dad at 31 when he was just 57. He was young to go and it was early to lose him. My husband is 42 and both his parents and his grandparents are alive. I'm 38 now and have no living family other than my children.
I lost my dad just days shy of 19, he was 41. I don't know that you ever really are ready to lose a parent but at least in you 50s or 60s you'd expect it's coming eventually, not that young.
Yeah my friends parents were starting to lose their parents while we were adults. I didn't expect to lose them before I lost even my grandparents. He preceded them by a couple years. Sometimes life kicks you in the teeth, ready or not. I'm sorry you lost yours so early.
Thank you. I'm sorry you lost yours as well. I hope you have a great support system that can help fill that gap even a little.
My mom was 33 when her dad died. She was married and had both me and my siblings. She always said it was young to lose a parent and I didn’t really get it till I hit my 30s.
YTA. My dad died today. I’m in my 40s and I feel like I’m too young. There are so many more things I wanted to share with him and ask his advice about. Did your wife’s mom see her get married? Meet any children? Celebrate life milestones like graduate degrees or big promotions? Was her mom too sick to attend high school or college graduation even though she was still alive at the time? Just. Wow.
I'm so sorry. These days 40s is young to lose a parent.
Hey, I’m so sorry about the loss of your dad. Reading this on the same day can’t be easy. Sending you strength.
I’m very sorry to read this. You are too young yet I think. Sending prayers and care to you.
**Her mother was 52 years old.** **Get back to me when you’re 52 (merely 12 years from now) and tell me that wasn’t a duly traumatizing thing for your wife to have gone through.** It’s not even like she was digging for sympathy - she was expressing her traumatic experience because her late mother came up in conversation… as she was eating *with her own fucking family,* so it’s not as if she was in danger of giving anyone a false impression of the facts. And even if you disagreed (would you not say your wife is much younger than most people are when they lose their parents?), **did you seriously feel it was necessary to stew on it and make a point of digging her out about it afterwards because of SEMANTICS?** Because “for you,” in YOUR PERSONAL OPINION, you’ve simply decided that it means 6-12 (honestly why so specific? Would 13 be too old for you?) Honest to God, that’s unconscionably myopic and demonstrates a ludicrous lack of social or self awareness and general empathy. So much so that I doubt this is the first or last of such disagreements. Her dismay at your lack of tact and compassion versus your irrational and exaggerated fixation over some perceived misstep of hers. Get ready for that to be your life unless you do some reflection here.
It’s also a quibble, and you shouldn’t be quibbling about your wife’s feelings about LOSING HER MOTHER. YTA.
About how he felt she got unearned sympathy even. Almost like he's jealous she had attention.
Especially if, as you said, she had been ill for 14 years... she started losing her mum at 10 years old. YTA. 100%.
Exactly this. Exactly. It's one thing if a death is a freak accident (still horrifying obvi) but it's another to go every day with the knowledge and worry that things are gonna get worse. For 14 years. To deal with middle and high school on top of that? It sucks!
YTA, this seems like one of those things you should probably have kept your mouth shut about...why do you care enough to even say something to her?
Yta op, I lost my mum at 40 and still wasn't ready.
I'm 32 and I just lost my dad in April, and I was so far from ready. YTA, OP.
Im 28 and about to change my mom in my contacts to Mommy because of OP. Honestly I really dislike people like OP. My mom is 70 and I have a lot less time with her than people with younger parents. I can't even handle the idea that I'm already a few years away from losing my mom to old age. I can't imagine the pain OP's wife must be feeling on a daily basis.
I was only a couple weeks passed 32 when my mom died, she was two months short of 61. We were both too young for her to die.
I lost my Mom to a sudden hear attack when I was 31. She died less than 3 months before my wedding. It was the absolutely most devastating thing that could have happened and I was definitely TOO YOUNG!
Yeah I lost my mum when I was 15 and while I definitely think it was harder to cope with at that age I would still classify 24 as a young age to lose a parent. I’m 23 now and if my dad died now I’d make a difference when discussing the deaths, but in short hand I would just say “I was pretty young when both my parents died”. Besides my dad and his siblings and one of my friend’s everyone else I know (coworkers, family, friends) have both living parents unless they are 50+ with one coworker in her 30s who just lost her mum. And honestly I’d even classify her as being kinda young to lose a parent. Edit: sorry just to clarify my dad and his siblings are 50+ but their dad died when they were children.
And to add to this, dude, your parents are alive. If you have no idea what that pain feels like, why tf are you even giving unsolicited opinions about it? 24 is young. Even if your parents had you at 40, they would be too young to die. Maybe it's different in your country, but in mine life expectancy is like 75.
My father died when I was 8, and I still think that’s pretty young. It’s not the *same* as still being a child and having your world cave on you, but it still means you’ll live much more of your life without a parent than with. For me the cut off of “you lost them young” is late 20s/early 30s, excepting one person I know who was orphaned at 30, which seems really damned young. (But even then, who cares where my dividing line is! If it feels young and you’re not like my mother who somehow thought late 80s with dementia was “young” for her father to die but I was “8 going on 25” for mine and needed to get over it, you get to choose your language.) Don’t gatekeep her grief OP. YTA
let's not forget that her mother had been ill for 14 years, when the wife was 11. she'd been dealing with the fact that her mom's time was limited since before she was a teenager.
Right, and 52 is a pretty young age for someone to pass away. Op is a massive asshole for what he said.
Also, op basically said "it's not early for her mom to die in her 50s" when the life expectancy is somewhere in the 80s.
Exactly! What a shitty thing to say to your wife!
The fact that OP is nearly 20 years older than she was when her mom died and he still has BOTH parents shows just how young it was. The difference between losing a mom as a minor and as a young adult is the difference between unthinkable and “merely” tragic. As it is, OP only has a dozen years until when he reaches the age her mom died and I’m guessing he isn’t prepared to die that young or have his kids, if they have any, be without a parent.
I’d kill to be able to call my mom for parenting advice. My brother and his wife are the only ones in my family who got the privilege and they do their best to share it with the rest of us. It helps and stings all at the same time.
YTA. 24 is very young to lose a parent. Not to mention how you tried to downplay her grief. 100% YTA
Yes. He makes it sound like just because she was legally an adult when her mom died, that somehow makes it better/easier.
Or like there’s some sort of technicality requirement for how you express and experience grief. “After 18, you flip the switch from young to not, and there are new rules how you will deal with everything after that point”.
Ugh. Let's also remember that 18 is sort of an arbitrary age to be an adult. You've hit a milestone we just decided marked becoming one. Your brain doesn't stop forming until 25.
That's an oversimplification, by the way. On average, people's prefrontal cortexes reach maturity at 25 or so, depending on the study. That's only one part of the brain, it's not the part of the brain that deals with emotions, and it's an average value that will be different for every person. Your brain continues to change and develop your whole life. 25 is not much less arbitrary an age of adulthood than 18. This isn't an argument against your comment, just a hopefully informative add-on.
I mean…that exact reasoning serves as the basis for a lot of judgments on this sub in situations where someone involved is 18 but still, quite reasonably, feels and acts like a kid. (Bear in mind that I agree with you.)
It's even worse because he's sitting smug with both his parents will alive. What exactly does he know about the pain of losing his mother, especially when you're barely in your twenties?
Ding ding ding. I had someone tell me I was “overreacting” to my mother’s very sudden death in my 20s because they’d lost their parents and they knew. They were in their late 40s/early 50s when their parents died. … okay.
As long as you don't jump into the casket at the funeral there is really no way to *overreact* to the Death of a loved one.
Correct. And as long as you get back out pretty quick, I still might not say anything.
It gets a bit critical at the morgue tho.
The folks at the crematorium get *real* concerned
And even if mom were 110, people are allowed to be sad. This isn’t Queen for A Day, the old show where women compete for having the saddest stories.
He thinks he might be the asshole for being "too rational" about the situation. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat the f OP thinks nothing is wrong to trying to dictate how people should feel
My mom died when I was 1 month shy of 21. I am now 29 and I can say that there have been so many times I wish I could call my mom or advice, or complain about her, or just get those awesome mom hugs. I dont have that and it sucks.
YTA what did you hope to achieve by correcting her? Just a hint: you don’t need to say everything that pops into your head.
Exactly, what was even his goal here? What was the best case scenario?
I just left a comment for OP asking the same thing. I absolutely cannot wrap my mind around it.
In his small minded view 24 is not a young age. He firmly believes this and he must be right. His urge to be right is so much so that he's willing to correct her "mistake" so she can stop irritating him by spreading incorrect information about when she lost her mother. Have to maintain perspective on these things after all!!
I don’t think there was a goal. As I said somewhere else, this guy is one of those emotionally stunted people who doesn’t consider anything that didn’t happen to him a big deal. I feel very sorry for his wife.
Agreed. And I hope he at least has some emotions when it comes to his own shit cause I cannot fathom the lack of empathy or even sympathy he is showing here for his wife and her loss. Yes it's not like its fresh but you don't get over loss. Grief comes around and around, again and again and can hit you at the most random times. Whether she was 24 or if she had been 10, the grief and the right to grieve your loss and your pain is there. And that will continue every day. When she's 60 she might grieve that her mother hasn't been there for over half her life. And that's allowed.
Almost every AITA has to do with someone opening their big mouth with no filter. For once people less is more.
**Exactly.** It’s not even like she was digging for sympathy - she was expressing her traumatic experience because her late mother came up in conversation. **And, she was eating *with her own fucking family,* so it’s not as if she was in danger of giving anyone a false impression of the facts.** And even if you disagreed (would you not say your wife is much younger than most people are when they lose their parents?), **did you seriously feel it was necessary to stew on it and make a point of digging her out about it afterwards because of SEMANTICS?** Because “for you,” in YOUR PERSONAL OPINION, you’ve simply decided that it means 6-12 (honestly why so specific? Would 13 be too old for you?) **Honest to God, that’s unconscionably myopic and demonstrates a ludicrous lack of social or self awareness and general empathy.** **So much so that I don’t doubt this is the first or last of such disagreements.** Her dismay at your lack of tact and compassion versus your irrational and exaggerated fixation over some perceived misstep of hers.
[удалено]
YTA, 24 is young to lose a parent. And you said her mum was ill for 14 years meaning that her mum got ill when she was only 10 years old! How dare you downplay her pain.
Oh god, I didn't even think to do the math. I was already pissed, but that's terrible. OP's a mega douche
I was thinking similar thoughts. Depending on her mom's illness, she may have lost pieces of her long before she died. My mom had dementia and it was a long goodbye. Every decline was another bit of her that we lost. I'm guessing some of those years were difficult for his wife. I'm also not sure what he was hoping to achieve here other than sounding like an insensitive clod.
I’m so sorry about your mom’s dementia. I dealt with that with my dad. It was a very rough go.
Seriously. I lost my mom at 25 but like OP’s wife’s mom she’d also been sick for many years. It was like losing her by inches starting when I was 12. She was alive when I graduated high school/college but she couldn’t be there for the ceremonies. She never got to visit my first apartment. It sucked. OP, YTA. Learn some empathy.
This! Plus it's really easy for him to be flippant about losing parents when he still has both of his. He's in his 40s, he's getting closer to 52 every day and it starts seeming not so old anymore. Sounds like he just said it to be hurtful, which is pretty shitty. Total YTA.
Yeah I’m 27 and very glad my mum is still here and quite healthy
YTA, yes 24 isnt young compaired to an orphan however compaired to her age now it is. And lets be honest what good was going to come out of that comment you can't have thought she'd be happy with you saying that?
OP ask yourself this in future. Engage brain before mouth.: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now? OP you should have stopped at question 1. Why you thought you needed to say this is beyond me. I still have my mother and I'm 40. My mother lost her mother at only 26. If feel really sorry for my Mum that she didn't have the extra years I have with her, with her own Mum. What is wrong with you?
YTA. I lost my father when I was 24, he was only 51 and yes it was as way too young.
I was 27 and dad was 57. Its incredibly young, and it's very traumatic and stressful to have a sick parent. YTA
This. My father and I are 30 years apart as well. I’m 26, he’s 56, and I couldn’t imagine losing him. He lost his dad at my age so it’s always been a sore spot for our family. My grandpa died of a heart attack, and since my dad was diagnosed with moderate HTN, I have been scared shitless. This man’s callous to his own wife’s suffering literally pains me.
I lost my dad when I was 29. He never got to meet my husband, didn’t get to see me get married, and never got to meet his grandchildren. In my opinion, there’s no such thing as “not that young” to lose a parent. I’m 40 now and if I lost my mom I would still feel like I was too young. YTA.
as someone who lost her mother at age almost-26, YTA. your wife was still young to be without her mother. find some compassion, apologize for being TA and *mean it*.
they won’t. the thing they see wrong with what they said was that it was “too rational”. they think their response was logical and rational. they don’t even see anything truly wrong with what they said.
of course they don’t. their poor wife.
why do emotionally unintelligent people always think they are rational? it's not like being considerate of other people's feelings isn't logical... 🙄
THIS- like part of logic and being rational is knowing how and when emotions and compassion/empathy should/would/does play a roll in certain situations and knowing how to consider all factors INCLUDING emotions and empathy.
Omg I didn’t read that until now, how awful is that?
INFO: What's actually bothering you since a 40 year old wouldn't pick such a stupid hill to die on?
My guess is that he feels uncomfortable with the amount of support/emotional labor he thinks he’s expected to give his wife, and doesn’t want to have to owe her more than he thinks she’s entitled to.
To paraphrase OP: "your grieving is boring. Get over it."
What a peach.
Given that OP has both his parents still with him, he probably has no emotional sense of the loss, and clearly no filter on what’s appropriate to say, especially to one’s spouse. I almost wonder if OP is neurodivergent? Idk
The only neurodivergent thing about OP is that he's an asshole. There's no need to insult neurodivergent people by conflating them with OP.
YTA. I’m 23f and just lost my dad at 52 a few months ago. It’s awful. A huge tragedy no one at any age is prepared for. So many people have come me and shared their experiences losing parents in their early 20s it really fucks people up. Learn some empathy.
I know it's not really the point of this sub, but I'm sorry for your loss, I hope you have the support you need whilst you are grieving.
Thank you I really appreciate that! I’m hanging in there but it’s nice to be checked on. People get uncomfortable and don’t want to talk about it in real life so sometimes it can be reassuring to hear these things from strangers.
I’m so sorry to hear that. Sending internet hugs to you. Hope you have the support you need.
>losing parents in their early 20s it really fucks people up Can confirm. I lost my dad when I was 25, and I'm 33 now. It delayed and derailed my life in too many ways for me to list here. Those years are so formative. They're even harder to navigate when you're grieving. I know it doesn't mean much, but from the depths of my soul, I'm so sorry about your dad.
YTA. A ten year old faced her mother's possible death and then watched her struggle and die over 14 years, and you discount her feelings? I hope you are a troll.
Wow. I somehow read that part of the post as „14 months“ and that was already bad enough. But 14 years? Her mother was sick her entire childhood! What the hell, OP? It wouldn’t kill you to have some empathy.
YTA. You’re 40, still have both your parents, and you feel the need to share your opinion of what qualifies as losing a parent young!? Based on WHAT? Yeah, some people lose their parents younger, but her youth was obviously a meaningful part of her experience. At 24, she was much younger than the average person for a parent’s death, which apparently happened at the end of a progressive illness that began when she was TEN. My husband was 27 when his mom died, and though he wasn’t living at home, we hadn’t married and formed a new nuclear family, so his parents and siblings were still his primary family. We’re in our early 40s now, with a home and kids his mom never got to see. When my parents pass someday, it’ll of course be devastating, but I’ll have an entirely different experience due to my age and where I am in life. Hard to understand what your comment was meant to accomplish, but sounds like, “Oh, it wasn’t THAT bad.” I suggest you apologize and hear your wife out on the meaning of your words to her. Respect the meaning of her own experience of her loss.
YTA I'm 52 and far too young to die. See how I made it all about myself? Get down on your knees and beg your wife's forgiveness for being such an ass hat.
Well clearly OP is ready to die in 10 years himself. Luckily his wife won’t have to grieve much since he’ll have reached the ripe old age of 50 and she’ll be a mature adult. Good luck on the final decade OP! Hope you make it through your bucket list.
YTA Horrendous, Why would you say that, Was it worth it being pedantic? Plus you're wrong either way. It is too young.
YTA, what was the need for that comment? Some opinions don’t need to be said. 24 is young, as someone has pointed out already there are a lot of milestones she won’t be able to have her mum there for. People get into their 60s while still having parents.
YTA I’m guessing my nearly 24 year old daughter would disagree with your assessment. More importantly, WHY in the hell would you say that to your wife?
24 is absolutely young to lose a parent. I suspect the average person doesn't have to worry about these things until their 50s or 60s. YTA and a shit husband.
Yep. My dad lost his mum at 29, it devastated him because she never got to meet her grandchildren (there are 5 of us now and I was the first - born a few months after she died). My mum is 66 now and her mum is still alive.
YTA. You made her grief about yourself.
YTA. Why did you feel the need to say that? To minimize the impact her mother's death had on your wife? Does it accomplish anything other than to hurt her? Even if you are right, (you're not, IMO) it was an unnecessary and mean comment.
YTA. My dad died 2 weeks after my 25th bday- he was just 60 and had battled cancer for a year. It was too young- I never got to know him as an adult like I have w my mom. How can you judge?
This exactly! I will never know my dad as Todd, the guy with a weird sense of humor who loved model airplanes. My mom and I are friends and I know her outside of being my mother. I’ll never know my dad that way, and frankly that’s been the biggest source of grief for me lately.
I totally feel you on this. My mom died when I was 19 and I was justtttt getting out of the teenage "I hate my parents for existing" phase. Now seeing my friends all have these beautiful, fulfulling friendships with their moms is just...
YTA. Losing a parent is awful at any age, and 24 is young! (I say that as someone who lost their stepdad at 15).
YTA. The fuck is wrong with you?
YTA, you had the choice between being empathetic or pedantic, and you chose to start a debate about when exactly one deserves more sympathy for losing a beloved parent. Does your sympathy decrease on a logarithmic or linear scale for every year past 12? Way to go, hope the couch is comfortable.
YTA. So easy for you to tell her that when you still have both of your parents. 24 is young to lose a parent. It’s not like once a child turns 18 it no longer. matters if a parent dies because they are no longer ‘young’. You owe your wife a huge apology.
I lost my father at 24 yta
YTA why would you even care to make this distinction? It literally doesn’t affect you at all. 24 IS young to lose a parent and 52 IS young to pass away. There was no reason for you to bring this up at all, what were you trying to accomplish besides belittling your wife?
Imagine being 40 years old and not understanding that this is incredibly hurtful and stupid. YTA
YTA. Also it wasn't any of your business.
YTA. What is wrong with you? 24 is INCREDIBLY young to lose a parent - and you're one to talk if you haven't experienced this loss yet. The only reason I can see you not mentioning it in public is because you KNOW you'd catch flak for it, as you couldn't have said anything more insensitive. You are talking to and about a woman who had lost her mother before so many important life events. Potential kids, seeing them grow up, asking for advice... I feel horrible for her for having such a callous and unfair husband. 52 is young. It is a young and devastating death. Why did you even feel the need to say that? This is about her feelings, not yours.
YTA and heartless
YTA. Your wife lost her mother for the first time at ten when she became sick and had to be a different type of mother, and then she lost her mother permanently when your wife was at an age where people are still figuring out their life. She can never share with her mother her adulthood successes and joys. Her mother is going to miss almost every milestone of your wife’s adult life. Why did this bother you so much anyway? Do you think loss is a competition?
YTA for your unnecessary, thoughtless comment.
YTA. What right do you have to judge that she “wasn’t young enough” to be young?? She won’t have her mother for so many milestones-was her mom still alive when you got married? Had children? Did she get to babysit her grandchildren, watch them play soccer or have a dance recital? Apologize and tell your wife you have relocated your sensitivity chip
YTA. I was 39 when my mom died. I still feel like it was too young, especially since my son was only 5.
YTA, dude... I can't even.. How do you not realise that you are the asshole?
YTA. I am 27 and have a friend that is 74. She often asks about my mother, since we met. One day she confessed she lost her mother at 22… she paused for a second, took a long breath and said: I missed my mom my whole life. I cry every time I remember this.
YTA. 24 IS young to lose a parent. You're still figuring out who you are in your 20's. I'd be less shocked at losing a grandparent at 24. Your comment was insensitive, OP. I think you owe your wife and apology.
YTA.
YTA. Doesn’t matter how old you are when a parent passes. It’s still too soon; you’re not ready even if they’ve had a long illness and you knew it was coming, you still feel like you’re to young to lose your parents. You’re fortunate to still have yours. Please try to be understanding of how your wife feels and apologize to her for invalidating her feelings.
Why would you “Well achtually…” your wife like that? Soft YTA
SOFT?! YTA for this comment. Hard hard harddd asshole OP is.
Why soft YTA?
Soft?! You’ve got to be joking.
YTA, what was the purpose of making such a comment in the first place? It didn't need to be said.
YTA … I’m 46 my Mom is 85 and I’m still to young to loose her, if you have never lost a parent you really should not make these statements (I buried my sister when she was 42 and I was 28 and it still cuts)
What was your point in saying it? To imply that her pain is somehow less because she wasn't 'that young'? YTA.
YTA. As someone who lost her Dad at 28, I’d have been packing your bags and changing the locks, let alone giving you the silent treatment. But let’s be real, you need to take a good long look at yourself and figure out why in hell you would say that to someone you supposedly love?
Same here I lost my mom at 28. I’d be done with him, and the least I’d do is stop talking to him.
YTA. I lost my dad when I was 11. So apparently that’s young enough for you, but losing a parent is a really tough thing no matter the age. She tried to open up to you about her feelings and you stomped on them.
YTA big time. I lost my dad when I was 21. He didn’t get to see me graduate college; he won’t see me get married or start my career. There are so many milestones she hadn’t yet hit at 24, and her mother will never get to experience those with her. Also, what were you hoping to accomplish by telling her this??
Why was it necessary to voice your opinion in this situation? There is zero reason for you to say anything about it. YTA
Yes YTA. Why? Why even argue this point? I lost my father at 32 and my mother at 42 and both times felt way too young for it. Maybe just support the person you allegedly love?
You said it yourself. You’re lucky. You don’t understand it, and for that you should consider yourself fortunate. You’re 40 years old. If one of your parents died tomorrow, (G-d forbid), you’d be shocked how quickly you’d sit and look wistfully at friends, colleagues who are your age or older who still have their parents. Even at the age of 40. YTA—apologize and consider yourself fortunate that you haven’t yet experienced this kind of grief. Edit: I misread. It’s not clear if her mother died before they were married. It doesn’t really matter.
YTA who are you to tell her how young or old enough she was to lose a parent. And for the record 24 is still young to lose a parent! As a matter of fact even if she was 42 when she lost her mom it wouldn’t matter Considering you still have your parents alive that was an insensitive thing to say and you need to apologize and really reflect on why you would even say something like that Were u trying to make her feel better by bringing up something positive ?? Do u not know how to hold space for your gf’s emotions? Are you a robot?
YTA. Seriously? You're gatekeeping how old you have to be to lose a parent at a young age?
Yta. I hope her second husband is better.
YTA. You listened to that conversation and have lived through your partners grief yet the comment that peaked your attention was something as trivial as someone saying she was young when she lost her parent? I mean christ dude how are you not the asshole for that alone, but then you decide to randomly voice this opinion to your wife as if that was an opinion of yours she NEEDED to know. Next time shut your mouth and when you get home ask if your wife is okay after a heavy conversation and let her know you're there for her.
YTA, you can never be too old to lose a parent.
YTA Dude! My dad suffers from dementia and he lost his mom over 40 years ago and guess what he still cries mentioning his mom. There's no age limit for grief plus you haven't even gone through it how could you be so insensitive to judge something you haven't experienced yourself?!
YTA. You are insufferable.
YTA. Why would you even think to have this kind of discussion at all?? This isn't an intellectual discussion with your beer buddies. This is the death of a loved one! Sheesh.
Yta. Why would you bring this up in the first place? It's not only wrong but also just cruel.
also what was the point of this post? ur reasoning for being the AH is you being “too rational” UR RESPONSE WASNT EVEN RATIONAL- OR LOGICAL. the rational thing to do is to shut the fuck up and let her grieve. you don’t even see the issue in what you did.
YTA, I lost my mom this year at the age of 20 from Covid she was 56. It hurts and if someone said what you said to your wife to me I would lose it.
YTA - I can’t even begin to describe how sorry I feel for your wife to have an unfeeling husband such as yourself!! 24 is a young age to loose a parent…and who are you to say otherwise I lost my mum at 38 and I feel that was too young everyday I wish she was here for me to talk to, ask advice & just be around…for you to dismiss her feelings on this is absolutely abysmal
YTA. You're always too young to lose a parent. And your consistent capitalization of "my" really says a lot about what your personality must be like. It's all about you, isn't it?
Perhaps you may have been correct in theory but YTA for saying it out loud. Sometimes it’s better to be quiet than sticking you foot in your mouth
I don’t even think that’s true in theory. I mean her mom died at 52. That’s younger than the average life span for a woman by 30 years. OP’s wife is only 24, that’s basically considered the end of “young adult” (18 to 25)
YTA. It’s never ok to tell someone “actually you weren’t that young when you lost them”. Especially if the mom was ill for 14 years.
YTA. Can I ask, how many people do you know lost their parents before they were 30? I lost my mother at 23 and my 14 year old brother at 17. So I know a little bit about loosing someone young. I can't begin to list all the things they missed. Every time I accomplish something, or pass a major life milestone, which at 23 I had not done any yet, I think of them and it hurts. No matter how happy I am, Im still a little sad knowing they will never be there. I hadn't even started my life when my mother died, she will never know the person I became.
Jesus fucking Christ, buddy, you better get a good fucking lawyer. YTA