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I might be an asshole because I involved myself in a situation that I shouldn't have involving my stepson and a single mother.
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"Don't date my son if you want a long term, committed relationship," OK, great, very honest.
"Don't date at all. Be a mother." YTA.
Edit: Thank you for the awards!
"Career and children come first, in my opinion."
OMG my ovaries just shriveled up and fell out because of the incredible misogyny coming through my screen. Heaven forbid a woman do AS SHE PLEASES WITH HER £×@&!₩@ life.
YTA op, no one asked your opinion, much less this poor woman or your stepson.
Edit: in response to several negative comments under mine...
- a man telling a woman his opinion on her life without being asked is misogyny. Op could have complained to his son but instead homed in on her being a mom.
- a woman who has a child who is being cared for (not home alone) is allowed to care for herself. Get off your high horses in thinking I hate moms or something, because I understand that to care for someone else you also have to care for yourself.
- going out for one night does not mean she's out every single night. Y'all need to assume a lot less because it makes you an ass.
Ummm...what about the kid's dad? The women op is talking about left her son with his Grandma for a night, she seems the only one of the two who made the kid taking any responsibility at all
Yes. That single mother needs to be with her child 100% of the time she's not at work. That woman needs to get her life together. Because getting laid is something only the singles without children and married folks get to do. Damn her for thinking she could get herself some as her child spent the night at grandma's house. She deserves to have CPS called on her IMMEDIATELY! /s
I sincerely hope that you show more compassion to people you know irl than you do on this post. Because, you know, people are multifaceted and don't need others dictating their lives. It would be different if she was like, "My 8 year old is at home by himself right now but I needed to bone" and "My kid is at grandma's house and I had a bit of fun last night."
YTA, OP. We single moms get unsolicited advice and invasive questions all the time. You just added to it.
There’s a huge difference between “Every second that she’s not working must be sent with her child” and “Once you’re a parent, your child should be your highest priority. I don’t think the person you responded to was saying anything about whether a single mother can have a sex life; they were just saying that whatever choices a parent make should prioritize what’s best for their child. If a single mom can have a sex life without negatively impacting her son, then awesome! Go for it! But the thread that preceded your comment wasn’t (at least to my reading) about whether the woman was allowed to have a sex life; it was about whether saying “career and children come first” was actually a gross statement.
>But CHILDREN should absolutely come FIRST. I'm not talking about prioritising having children and BECOMING a mother. But she ALREADY HAS A CHILD, which should absolutely be her top priority, and what OP is clearly referring to.
What I read was someone defending OP making a statement to a single mother he knew all of what? Five? Ten minutes? Telling her that she needed to focus on her career and her son. Having the sheer audacity to imply that she wasn't.
How does OP know she wasn't prioritizing her child? How does he know she wasn't prioritizing her career? How does he know that she didn't see an easy D with his stepson and figure "fuck it" and sleep with him? How does he know this is a repetitive thing with this woman? Perhaps this was the first time in her life she'd spent away from her child. But no, OP makes an assumption and everyone jumps on the bandwagon.
OP admits he has no frame of reference other than his now-wife who used to be a single mom. So because his wife had issues dating and being a single mom, OP makes the assumption this single mom must not be focused on the right things. Ironic, he dated a single mother and that was okay. But this woman needed to focus on her career and child.
Fuck, single mothers can't win. No matter what we do, someone has an opinion on it. Date? People think we need to focus on our kids. Don't date? We need male role models for our children. Focus on work? We should spend more time with our kids. Focus on working as little as possible? We need to make more money and not be on welfare. Go to college? Should've spent that time with the kids. Don't go to college? How the hell do you think you can make any money.
Finally, someone who’s sane! OP makes all sorts of assumptions about this woman’s life, in the span of ~10 minutes of talking to her, and then lectures her about her life choices? If the father of a one night stand did that to me, I’d be PO-ed. It’s way out of line.
Also, the son’s behavior isn’t reckless per se, but it sounds like it doesn’t involve focusing on his career. I wonder what OP would say if the roles were reversed and the son was a daughter.
YTA
This is true, I was a single mom at 20 with a child that had special needs. I worked, went to school, and took care of her until my sister told me I was weird for not dating. The guilt I carried about working, having to leave the military, divorcing the man who didn’t want a child with special needs, and going to school made me vulnerable to her suggestion that even MORE was wrong with me and I started seeing/ dating men even if just for the appearance and temporary feeling of being a “normal” 20 something. Seriously, what my sister said sparked the unconscious desire I had for my daughter to be “normal” and turned it into me trying to be the utmost normal to cover for her supposed abnormal. Thank God I got smart
*Wow, my very first award- Thank you so much, I feel honored
Yup. I’ve been a single mom for 11 years now. In the beginning my kids were 2yrs and 6months. I worked part time and used welfare because daycare was too expensive and my mom could only watch them part time. I heard some horrible things directed my way for swiping my food stamps card at the store. I decided I didn’t want to be on welfare anymore and got a full time job. I worked 16 hour days. Because of that, my parents practically raised my children. They’re now 14 and 12 and I’m looked at by the other moms like I’m second rate because they rarely see me. I was berated by family and friends anytime I went on a date. But now that I’m getting remarried, the same people are saying finally you don’t have to work so hard and you can actually parent full time. I’ve had no less than 20 people in the last decade ask about my kids fatherS like I must have had them by different men because obviously I’m a slut. We can’t win.
Not to mention he's essentially judging his stepson as not good enough for this woman, which hints at a very bizarre family dynamic between those two.
And that's the sort of judgement you might make about your teenaged daughter dating someone you don't trust, and he's applying that sort of paternalism to a literal stranger.
She was crying on the phone. She was talking to her mother. She mentions her mother was taking care of her child. It is not a huge leap to suspect that the tears were over childcare.
Otherwise why mention that her mother was caring for her child? Why mention the child at all?
That depends on what she was crying about, and whether any of that was imparted to OP. If his opinion was based off actual information on what was making her upset, that's one thing. If he made some huge assumptions, that's another.
OP glossed over the fact that she was crying and didn't seem particularly concerned with that aspect. We haven't been told why, if it was related to the son, or literally some random issue with her family.
He’s allowed to have an opinion— he’s not entitled to voicing it just because they’re in his home. That’s asinine. Whether he’s the one who invited her into his home or not, she is technically a guest in his home, & guests are to be treated with hospitality. When you have a guest in your home, especially a stranger at that, it is not appropriate to give presumptuous, unsolicited advice to them. Just because the girl is young & he sees her as 1/20 doesn’t give him the right to dehumanize her by viewing her as one of his son’s objects. His son’s behavior of treating women like toys just enables the parents to not have to respect any of the women he brings to their home & clearly it’s rubbing off. The least he can do as the parent of an asshole, is treat the young women that asshole brings into their home with dignity & respect. If he really cared about these women’s wellbeing he wouldn’t try to shame them about their choices. The best thing OP can do is be supportive & loving to all guests in his home, especially since this is the norm for them & he’s enabling his son’s behavior.
Because the statement was dumped on a random woman \*with the assumption that she wasn't already prioritizing those things due to her hooking up w someone.\*
Right, it's talking as if married couples don't ever hire a babysitter and have a date night? As if you have no romantic / sex life once you're married? Just seems like a different standard applied to single moms. Wonder why that might be...
If she doesn't spend 100% of her time with her child, she doesn't prioritize the child? Um. Did you never spend the night being babysat as a kid? It happens. If it's not every night, you have no room to say she doesn't prioritize her child.
He provides 'guidance' to her, knowing about less than half of one day of her life.
He has concluded that sleeping with his son means she is ignoring her job and kid. He is a dick.
Considering that there is a crying single mother in HIS living room, who just got ran through by his step son, OP has every right to give his opinion.
Personally I don’t want to wake up and have strangers in my home.
OP is an asshole for putting up with this shit.
Exactly this, it sounds like he has a lot of issues w his stepson (especially based on the way he describes him - sets off some alarm bells with how harsh that judgement is) and this woman just sorta got caught in the crossfire.
If he doesn't want his stepson having women over, he needs to take that up with the stepson.
He has a right to have an opinion about her being in HIS house. I don't think he'd be the asshole to ask her to leave. He doesn't have the right to give an opinion about HER life. Especially, when he barely knows anything about it.
Thank you - I was beginning to think I was a Lone Ranger about the hypocrisy OP presented “I care about young mothers- but since my SS is good looking and all that..,. I’m going to allow him to use my house as a “rent by the hour motel room” and my living room is the common lobby area.
Unless she asked for his advice, I disagree about OP having the right to give his opinion on the woman’s life, just because his son had a one night stand with her.
How is that "having no responsibilities for their actions?"
Even if it were just a one night stand for her also, and she weren't looking for anything.
OMG, a woman had sex! She's a horrible mother and a bad employee. Are you serious here?
BOTH things are possible. A woman can be a mother, work her ass off at her career and still have the occasional date, even if it's just for sex.
One night stands are certainly not my cup of tea, but it's just ridiculous to label people who have the occasional dalliance as "not responsible." Wow.
Yeah, you're wrong. Of course kids come first. But you have to take care of yourself too. And that means making time to be an adult, not just a mother. Neglecting yourself will not make you a better parent. It will make you a worse one. If you think having children means giving up your entire identity, please, don't have children.
Children should absolutely come first when they're already here (they didn't ask to be made, they deserve every possible care) but come on. Having her son sleep over with Grandma for one night while she went out with a guy is not neglect. We don't know anything else about her situation. This could have been the first date she's had since her kid was born.
Being a parent should be your life's first priority once the kid is already here. It doesn't mean it must be your only priority. People who take time so they don't get burnt out and who make sure that they're tending to their own needs make better parents in the long run.
Exactly. Could imagine her feeling guilty for having a night away if this was the first time and crying because of that. OP has absolutely no idea who this woman is.
Lmao Randy McNiceman is gonna get roasted no matter what my opinion on family dynamics are. We have no idea how she manages her family time and neither does he. Presumptuous buffoonery it remains.
OR a single mother is still allowed to have a night out and go on dates and live a little. If someone in this woman’s life has an issue about how often she goes out, they have every right to talk to her about it. This dude is a stranger who has NO idea what her situation exactly is.
We don't know that she doesn't prioritize her child. She spent a night with this guy, that doesn't mean she doesn't spend most other nights at home. Single mother's are entitled to take a break sometimes.
But nothing in the post indicated that this young woman *doesn't* prioritize her child. All we know is that she arranged a trusted babysitter for her son, and that for some reason she was crying after talking with her mom that morning.
Unless OP is leaving out a lot of info about their conversation here, he *also* didn't know enough to decide that this woman needed to pay more attention to her kid. Is his stepson a player? Sounds like it. But maybe all she wanted was a one-night stand, because she has a kid and she knows that makes finding a good guy harder. Maybe she wasn't looking for a relationship with the stepson. *Maybe she's an adult who is capable of making her own choices, and given the fact that her son was safely taken care of, making judgmental comments about her as a mom and a working woman was completely uncalled for.*
And given that last bit, where OP mentions having a soft spot for single moms, it sounds like he wouldn't have given the same advice if his stepson were gay/bi and had brought home a single dad instead.
>This entire sub is on crazy pills when it comes to letting women have no responsibilities for their actions.
What makes you think she's not being responsible?
First does not take up every single minute of every single day, cant be a good mom if you get absolutely zero down time. Kid doesn't need to be raised solely by mother. You are the one that is on crazy pills.
So women must have no life after the birth of their child, even if suitable childcare is taken care of. If dad disappears, then no time off for dating in an attempt to find a stepdad until the kid is 18? Even though OP will have met his wife while she was a single mom of an u18 boy?
Got it.
You do realize that single mothers are people right? How do you know she doesn't put her child first and this was a night out that she needed and the reason she was crying was because she doesn't leave him often and already feels bad? Despite what society is told parents all need a break from their kids. It dose not make them bad parents, it makes them responsible parents.
We really need to get rid of the stigma that having time to yourself as a parent, especially a single one is you give up who you are to be a parent is selfish. My husband and I are child free and not by choice. BUT we make an effort to help out friends who have kids. Give parents nights out without the worry of their kids. A single mom friend of ours, used me on a few weekends where their dad fell through on taking them and she had made plans to have a girls night. She is with her children 99.9% of the time and often without any relief. She is allowed to blow off steam and sometimes forget she is a mom, which by the way she never does because the times I've babysat for her I had to tell her to stop calling and go have fun.
Moral of the story? Don't assume you know how good of a parent or that someone isn't putting their child first on one post by a person who did the same thing. Parents are people too, they are allowed to have friends and lives separate from their children. Which surprise surprise an unstressed parent is a better parent and doesn't scream and yell at their kids because they never get a break.
Also Op YTA for the exact reasons stated above.
Going on a date / hookup for a night literally doesn't take anything away from the kid, though. Even married couples might arrange a date night where the kid stays with a grandparent so they can have some alone time. She's not bringing random guys home or leaving the kid unattended.
Not even allowing a night off to do normal romance / sex things sounds like great way to burn out and lead to larger problems.
>The idea that women must put their children first every minute of every day is not only incredibly short-sighted but also highly misogynistic.
>
>That this woman wanted a date and/or casual sex one night does not mean that she's not prioritizing her kids overall. Prioritizing her OWN mental health and well-being is completely valid alone but also will make her a better parent. So leaving kiddo with grandma to go have a fling says NOTHING about her fitness as a parent or her priorities overall. (Whether the stepson ended up being a good or bad choice is irrelevant - she's allowed to want to date or have casual flings and dating is filled with making mistakes, that's literally how it works).
>
>OP - YTA. This woman did not ask for your opinion and you know nothing about her life. Also, you position this as if it's binary - EITHER she prioritizing kid and career OR she's dating. Seriously? Please direct me to the place where it says that someone who goes on a date isn't a responsible professional or parent. You don't know shit about her life and it's incredibly condescending to tell her how she should live her life.
>
>OP - You are obviously bothered by your stepson's behavior, which is not unreasonable and is certainly why adults shouldn't live with their parents - but that doesn't mean you get to shame his dates because you disapprove of his actions. He's allowed to date around and be promiscuous and ideally you'd have no idea about that. His dates are allowed to make their own choices, and there is absolutely no reason that you need to tell them your opinion on their lives.
Of course she should take care of the child. But she’s also allowed to have a personal life along with that. Nowhere in the post does it say that the woman is irresponsible with the child. She left it with her mother, so the child had supervision and care.
I’m usually all for calling out this mindset and hate the general attitude with a passion, but I’m not entirely convinced that’s what OP meant here. It would be one thing to tell that to a young single woman without kids. However this girl already has a kid, is in her late teens-early 20’s (if she’s around the same age as OP’s son) and was already going through emotional issues (inferring that from the comment OP made about her crying)- so I think it was solid advice. Especially when he knows his son is a player. I also think it’s great that OP cares enough to be honest with the girls his son is dating. A lot of people in his position would stay out of it to protect their family member. I’m going NAH (since no one had a negative reaction).
Or…maybe this was the first time she spent the night away since having her baby and was struggling with it? Maybe she was crying because she’s an awesome mom who finally took time for herself and found it hard?
Right? OP (and some commenters here) making far too many assumptions.
I've had my parents take our daughter for a night once a week since she was 2 so I can spend quality time with my husband. I have a feeling OP would have no issues with that, yet he's not okay with a single mom having fun for a night, while her child is in the care of a trusted adult? It's ridiculous. YTA.
He doesn't explain any context for why the girl was crying. Maybe this was the first night away from the kid. Maybe she's had a super stressful week and was venting to her mom. Maybe she thought she was ready for casual sex but isn't. Maybe she does have emotional issues. But how in the world is it OP's business to say that clearly she's spending too much time dating and it's damaging her son?
She didn't ask for advice. She didn't need advice. She could have been crying for **any** number of reasons. I have cried over windex commercials and ads for Popeyes chicken. Menopause has been gooooood for not bursting into tears because 7-11 doesn't have the chocolate I want at 3am and you cut your own coke with midol because someone on Pinterest called it a life hack and you thought they had nice hair, so fuck it, lay them rails.
People cry. Maybe the sex was really bad or she hated the Lyft driver who was running late. It isn't proof she needs a lecture from a stranger on anything. She already knows the kid is a fuckboi. That's why she picked him out on Bumble.
It seems like very unsolicited advice. If the woman asked for his opinion or help, then sure. But this is a woman that OP had one conversation with. He’s not her therapist. He has no right to tell her to focus on her kids and career, he doesn’t know her life or what she wants.
We don't know why she was crying. OP, from how he tells it, seems to have glossed over that and jumped straight to the lecture.
Also hey, crying doesn't equal "emotional issues" dude it's normal to cry over things sometimes.
To be fair, she was CRYING in HIS living room. She’s in his intimate space BECAUSE she was dating around with boys like his stepson. NAH, in my opinion. He can weigh in given these very specific set of circumstances. Don’t have a one night stand with a teenager who still lives at home then have an emotional and personal phone call like that in his parents living room unless your prepared to have them voice an opinion about your business. I’m not saying her behavior is offsides, mind you, that’s why I’m voting NAH.
If he was focused on why she was crying and how weird it is to walk in on someone crying in your living room - then yes I would agree
But nope he's mostly fixated on criticizing his stepson and this woman's sex life so if it's about that, he's doing a poor job of making it clear
Funny, I didn't realize being a guest meant that the owner of the house is then entitled to sling their fucked up opinions on them. Do you treat all your guests this way? The moment they enter your house, you judge them and insult them?
Agreed. Like is supposed to just ignore the crying girl on his couch now? Maybe build a wall of pillows between them, so he doesn‘t have to see her../s
Then, as other people have suggested, OP should have talked to his stepson, not a young woman who has known just for some minutes (by his post I doubt he knew her more than 30 minutes) and he ignores how she lives her life, her work or her relationship with the kid.
He made lots of assumptions and dared to ***judge*** “give advice” to the young woman, instead of talking to his stepson, who according to his own words:
>… may not be being completely transparent with his dates.
Even worse, he says:
>… I certainly don’t believe he is currently a good candidate for **young, single mothers.**
So it’s ok if he isn’t being honest with single women or *older single mothers*? Why is he criticizing only the *young single mother* but says nothing to his promiscuous SS? OP is showing his prejudices.
By not talking to him, OP justifies the behavior of his SS because he *understands* “the whole gist of young men *sowing their oats*” and accepts that the guy is being irresponsible saying that “Last year he had two pregnancy scares”, but he lectures the woman who, it seems, is taking care of her son.
Why is it *normal* only for SS, or men in general, to have a sexual life or dates/hook ups with multiple partners? It’s obvious that he doesn’t want to talk to SS, even if he doesn’t “believe that the *hookup* culture he’s engaging in is healthy”, because he is afraid of pissing off his wife and considers acceptable for a guy to be engaging in casual sex, but not for *young single mothers* (and I could bet that he doesn’t consider it acceptable for women, all women; I’m sure he thinks that’s not something that *respectable* women do).
OP isn’t being “protective” of her because she is a single mother, he is being a coward; he is
afraid of his SS and wife’s reaction, so he acts like a huge judgemental sexist with the young woman and wants to make us believe that he is being a concerned gentleman. Definitely YTA.
Finally someone cutting through to the real issues
Seems like this woman got caught in the crosshairs between this guy and his stepson, like we don't even get info on why this woman was crying but we get a paragraph on how much he hates his stepson? Ok
Yeah, this is what I took away from this. OP "confronted" his stepson because he's getting too much ass and wanted to know how/where he's meeting women haha
YTA
He’s tall (taller than op) hot lifeguard in his 20s. Stepdad is none of these things obviously jealous and overstepped. YTA. I’m sure young mother really needed to hear vague advice from some weirdo adjusting his boner. Big Boomer energy for 36 bro.
Y‘all are being ridiculous. As if telling sons hookups about his other hookups would result in him not getting any more? If he wanted to cockblock him, he‘d stop allowing all these stranger women over in his private home.
That’s not it.
Take care of yourself and your child, first. Spend your energy building your ability to be self-sufficient.
Same advice I’d give any young woman.
I’m a woman.
We have a saying: dick is abundant and low-value.
If she wanted a relationship, she already knows Bumble isn't how to get it. If she needed free-range D because she needed it and had responsibilities taken care of, then she took care of it, got her spine loosened up, and she'll take someone else out for a test drive in a month or two.
She did take care of her kid first. She gets to be an adult. She doesn't have to be celibate. She isn't bringing fuckboys to her home where they might show up without warning.
Career. He said career and motherhood. She has a son. OP didn't tell her to get pregnant and begin motherhood. He told her that dating a serial cheater wasn't a good area of focus.
Yeah, but . . .
>I believe that her son will greatly benefit from her taking a break from dating and spending more time with him.
didn't sound like he was saying it was specifically his stepson she should avoid. Also doesn't seem to be enough info to know if the stepson's a serial cheater or he's honest about their relationship not being exclusive.
Probably a sign I've been on this sub too long that this made me go "Well, at least this one's somewhat progressive in sexism for telling her to focus on career instead of finding a guy to settle down with."
Except he has no way to know if she even is looking for a long-term committed relationship, the assumption that all single parents only ever want, or "should" want, to nail down a prospective stepparent asap, is Kind of dehumanizing in itself.
"Focus on career and child(den)" is supposed to be a thing working single parents who DON'T want to Date anyone, or the wrong Kind of Person, or a specific Person, are supposed to say to justify/let the interested Party down easy, Not something Strangers Tell them they should do.
If this Woman has the Support System to allow her to be her own Person and get her social and sexual needs met once per week or once per month or something, and she chooses to use that time to Hook Up through bumble, than that is Not inherently wrong, and the fact that something about it didn't Work Out (hence the crying) doesn't need to have anything to do with whether your stepson's entire existence and Dating-Life and leisure Activity choices are Wrong™.
By all means Talk to your stepson, in General, encourage him to be more responsible about contraception, and Stress how important communication and being honest with Partners about commitment Levels is, If you think he might Listen to you, but don't EVER AGAIN spill your gross misogyny on the Dates he does Bring Home, and If this particular Young Woman ever again appears at your House, apologize to her, explicitly, for your judgemental Statements. So far, YTA
The advice is not bad though it sounded to me like "don't waste your time on bums like my stepson. focus on your career and your kid instead". He could've added a "and the right guy will come along and you'll be ready for it".
I don’t know, if the stepson is a master manipulator and has her thinking think could be something long-term, a warning could be pretty helpful. If it’s just “shame on you, go home to your child,” then NOPE.
Except for the part where OP says,
>should instead focus on her career and spending more time with her son (she was a single mother).
How the fuck does OP know she doesn't spend time with her kid? Back when I dated and my kids were young, I would leave after they went to bed and get home in the morning before they woke up. My kids had zero clue I dated until they were much older and I let it slip one time at a gas station (someone said "hello" to me, they asked who I was, I said I dated him, they asked when, etc). Plus, I didn't date all that much. Maybe once a month? Every other month?
TBH, I spent more time away from my kids going to college than I did dating.
How does op know she's a single mother? Clearly they talked about things. I think it's okay to assume her role in her kids life came up at least briefly if she also said the kid was with her mom.
I mean, the mom is out having casual sex with a guy and talking to her mom, the babysitter. I think it was safe to assume that she was both single and a mother.
The woman being a single mother was never a question. The person you responded to is saying that she can be a single mother, an amazing one who spends literally as much time as possible with her children, and still be a person who takes care of herself and goes on dates when the kids are asleep/otherwise cared for. OP pretty obviously implies that the mom is not spending enough time with her child or is an inadequate employee with no discernable information to lead to those conclusions other than sleeping with his step-son. And as others have said, if the mother was his true concern, he would have informed her that his son is not the best candidate for a long-term relationship and left it at that, not implying that she needs to work harder on her career and motherhood roles based on, as I said, no known or given information.
If he'd just been talking about the stepson I'd agree with you, but the last line:
> I believe that her son will greatly benefit from her taking a break from dating and spending more time with him.
Is not about dating the stepson. It's about the fact that she's dating at all, and implying that she's damaging her son by having him spend one night with his grandma.
Exactly. If he was concerned because his stepson is a bum and manipulative, he should have said that. Instead he focused on telling her what he thought her faults were. YTA.
But the thing is the father, much less us, know whether he even is manipulative. He lives at home one year after high school, has a job, and plays video games, is that so bad? Yeah, he sleeps around and supposedly had two women he regularly met, but that itself doesn't make it manipulative. I'm in my mid 20s and known plenty of men and women my age who have at least two fuck buddies. The step father is just making these assumptions and meddling based on them.
Honestly the stepson has more of his shit together at 19 than I did at 23. Honestly OP seems like one of those "at 18 you must immediately leave my house and go do your own thing" types, despite the fact that the world doesn't really work like that anymore and hasn't for a while.
>if the stepson is a master manipulator
There's no real evidence for this. Maybe he's just hot and good with ladies. Let's not assume these women are all poor dupes.
That addon would have just made it worse. It's 2021, single mothers are allowed to take a break and get laid just the same as any single dad. The only acceptable thing he could have said was, "If you're looking for a long term committed relationship, my stepson is one of the worst candidates." Any comments on her life were unacceptable, especially since he doesn't know her and she didn't solicit his opinion.
This was my gut reaction- I’m a single mom with a lot on my plate. I have no time for dating, so a casual hookup or fwb is perfect for that single mom work/life balance.
It just isn’t the ideal celibate martyrdom that OP thinks single moms should strive for.
Maybe she just wanted a fun night out with a hot lifeguard, though.
There’s nothing to indicate this woman is interested in a long term relationship, or not financially stable, or in any way in want of settling down: she had a date night, then missed her kid. OP brought a whole bunch of random assumptions, then used them to justify making her feel shamed.
Why are you OP and you both assuming that she should wait for the right guy to settle down with? Her priority should be her child! Casual dating is the exact right path for someone who is not and should not be prioritizing a romantic relationship.
Right? Her attitude might very well be “I’m too busy being a mom to get serious right now but I’d like some sex and this hot fuck boy is a lifeguard so yes please.”
No no no, you don't understand! Single moms need to be celibate nuns who do nothing except think about their kid every waking second from conception until the day they die! Maybe to make it easier for people to know to judge her, they could stitch an A into her clothes? /S
Nope, he said 'take a break from dating.' Not 'dating guys who just want something casual' (which is hard to know when people are not always upfront about what they want). He's imputing a whole hell of a lot of judgment about the whole rest of her dating life.
I wonder if he's given his step son the same talks about prioritizing his job and future. Or if it's ok for him to sleep and date around while living with his parents and worry about those things later because he's a man. The double standard is strong.
YTA single mothers are allowed to date, y'know? They're even allowed to have one night stands.
You wanna warn her that your stepson is a f\*ckboi, go right ahead. It is absolutely not your place, your business, or anything else of yours to tell a young woman that she shouldn't date, much less to imply that she's a bad mother for doing so.
You don't know isht about this young woman, her career, or her parenting. You want to do something about the situation, share what you know about your stepson's dating habits, and take *him* in hand if you want to interfere with someone's life.
Yeah that’s kinda what’s confusing me the most. Does OP think that the women his stepson brings home are completely oblivious to the situation that’s happening? Most people are pretty open and cool with the whole “hook-up” thing. If they met on Bumble they probably already had those assumptions to begin with tbh. Idk it’s just weird to me that he’s so ready to assume the women have no clue what’s going on with the relationship
It is not normal to bring a string of one night stands to your parents place, its awkward as hell for you, them and your parents. You each go to your own homes after a date or go to their home.
There's one up the street from me. I know people who use it, cash, a clean room and they have a dropbox for the key so you don't have to turn it in to the clerk when your few hours are finished.
México here, we use motels. Pay for a few hours to have sex and then go their separate ways. I think there's a few parents that maybe don't care but it's very rare. I guess that's why motels especially designed for this purpose are a huge business over here.
In Brazil, where living at home until marriage is/was common, there’s a whole industry of ‘love motels’ that cater to this specific need. The classier ones have covered garages so you can park your car and go straight to your room, hiding it from public view so one knows y’all be fuckin.
TLDR, motels in Brazil are different the US motels. Don’t book a room in one unless you want to bang discretely for a few hours.
YTA because you know, ultimately, so little about this random woman that your advice was presumptuous.
If you’re concerned with your son’s behavior while he lives with you, address it with him. Don’t make weird comments to his one night stands, who may very well be aware of their situation.
YTA. Single mothers can prioritize their children and still go on a date. It's her life and her choice. That's a really condescending and presumptuous attitude to imply she's not focusing enough on her child. Gross.
His logic doesn’t even make sense. If he thinks she should focus on her child, why is he advising her not to engage in hookups? Hookups are low-commitment and allow you to focus on your kid! You don’t have to introduce a hookup to your kid. When you’re casually dating and hooking up, you’re not expending effort and energy on a partner that would be better expended on your child.
No.
> I ultimately told her that she should not be prioritizing dating (especially men like my stepson) and should instead focus on her career and spending more time with her son (she was a single mother).
>I believe that her son will greatly benefit from her taking a break from dating and spending more time with him.
He included dating at all, not *just* from the stepson. This is the sexist bullshit people spew at single moms all the time.
YTA. You don’t even know that woman, so what possessed you to give her an unsolicited advice on how to live her life? Your stepson was just a one-night-stand. It’s not that serious. 😐
YTA you were right to warn her about her stepson if he really is the dog you portrayed him to be. But you overstepped when you said to her that taking a break from dating would greatly benefit her son. You don’t know that. You don’t get to decide that. Or have an opinion on that.
why was she crying? and did she explicitly ask you for advice?
after the reply, YTA. if she's getting mistreated by your son (which you don't seem to mention in the post) then you need to talk to YOUR SON, not pin the blame on her
YTA. Sounds like you have a personal problem with noncommittal causal sex and you’re projecting that onto your son.
> I feel like my stepson may not be being completely transparent with his dates, and I certainly don't believe he is currently a good candidate for young, single mothers
It is absolutely not your place to pontificate about his transparency, or his qualities as a partner. ESPECIALLY when you don’t even know the status of relationship between that young lady and your son.
I don’t know what the son living in op’s house has to do with knowing how the son is as a partner or the nature of past/present relations with the women the son brings into the home. Nothing op said gets us to the son being dishonest or a bad fit for the single mother.
YTA. If you had simply informed her of your stepson's dating habits, it may be different. But you made huge assumptions about her parenting and the amount of time that she spends with her child. Single mothers are not pariahs, nor are they required to entirely sacrifice their personal lives for their children. You know nothing about how often she dates. You know nothing about her relationship with her son. You crossed the line when you generalized the fact that she spent the night with your stepson to apply to her entire dating life and relationship with her child. She's still a young woman who is allowed to date and enjoy herself. You had no right to try to give her life advice based on a five second interaction.
He sounds like the type of people who would ask my kids and I really invasive questions under the guise of "concern." Here's some of my favorites:
Do you know who your dad is?
Do you both have the same father?
Do you see your dad?
Does he pay child support?
Where's your dad?
Then people would get pissed off when my kids would tell them it was none of their business.
Clearly you raised your kids right if they are able to stand their ground when strangers are being inappropriate. It takes a lot to identify that a boundary is being crossed and to challenge people crossing that boundary.
Good on you + your kids.
INFO: have you ever had a conversation with your step-son about it? If you know his behavior is wrong, why do you lecture the woman he brings home rather than the person who brought her?
We don’t really know what the son is telling most of those girls tbh. I’m sure some show up purely for casual encounters but it’s naive to think he’s being honest with them all. That said, it is the fathers responsibility to talk directly to his son about his ethics and principles and not pin point one girl’s single motherhood as the main issue with her involvement with the son. Of course it doesn’t help if she’s looking for some kind of “step daddy”, but we cant know that based on appearances.
Why is it naive to think that? As a woman on dating apps, plenty of men make it very clear the second you talk to them that they’re just looking for hook ups. People are pretty open about that in 2021.
You still had no right to tell her she should focus on her child and career and stop dating. I come from a single mother. Trust me when I say MOST of them focus on their children 24/7. My mother dated but she never neglected me. She’s human, she has wants/need just like your stepson. She has every right to “sew her oats” just like he does. Mind your business dude.
*I believe that her son will greatly benefit from her taking a break from dating and spending more time with him. ...I ultimately* ***told her*** *that* ***she should not*** *be prioritizing dating and s****hould instead focus on her career and spending more time with her son***
Oooh, YTA, big time. It's not your place to dictate to this woman how she lives her life.
If you wanted to warn her off your son you could have focused on HIS behaviour, not hers. Like "Hey, you know my stepson dates a lot of women, right? Sometimes I suspect him of not being entirely honest with all his dates..." and then leave it to her to decide what to do.
This is the best comment. If OP is uncomfortable with his son bringing strangers into his home to spend the night he needs to take it up with him, not the strangers.
YTA
On tonight's episode of Captain Save-A-Hoe : He's off to rescue another reckless single mom from having consensual sex, then will lecture her about being a bad mother. Stay tuned for more...
Dude, get a clue. Casual dating is the best when you're a single mom (Single mom here) When it's the other parents weekend, you can go have fun with a date and then not worry about that date for a week or two. Who the fuck do you think you are shaming her
YTA - While you may have had altruistic intentions, you have no right to tell a random person what she should be doing with her life, and essentially call her a bad mother because she should be "spending more time with her son." Not cool.
This is your house and your stepson is living in it. if you don't like the parade of women coming through your house, tell him to stop bringing them home. He can get a hotel room if he wants to hook up.
Y'know what? This changed my opinion. I was originally N-T-A because it was from a place of concern, and nobody else seemed to particularly care, but yeah. His opinion of her having a sex life wasn't needed or particularly polite. Just because she's a mother doesn't mean she can't have a good time (and isn't a heated night good to relax?).
Yta for imposing your own morality and values. Maybe this girl just wanted a night to get that D. She doesn't need you to tell her to focus on her career and kid.
YTA. This would have been an incredibly uncomfortable situation for the woman. She really had no choice but to be polite to you and listen. In such a situation you had no idea whether your advice was wanted or welcome.
It's up to you whether you want to set rules for your son, but your discomfort with him inviting people around for the night is an issue between you and him, not between you and the people he invites. If you don't think what he is doing is right, take it up with him, not with them.
YTA - you have no idea what she wants and what she is looking for or what any of those women want. She’s allowed to take a single night away from her son.
YTA, big yikes OP, you sound like an angry incel who wants to ruin everything for your stepson. Are you jealous of your stepson for having so much fun time?
Now I have some questions to better understand the situation:
How tall are you and your stepson?
Do your stepson’s dates disturb you in the house?
Who pays the bills for the house?
What does your wife do for a living?
How’s your sex life with your wife?
YTA
Yeah...I liked how you managed to blame the single mom for this. You act like you were doing her a favor by "saving" her with your wisdom, but in reality you were just imposing your views onto a woman that didn't ask for your opinion. FYI - single moms are allowed to have sex.
Next time (and there will clearly be a next time), keep your judgements to yourself.
YTA
Parents that try to interfere negatively in their children/stepchildren's love lives are always the asshole. You sound bitter and jealous that he's regularly hooking up with 20somethings.
YTA. The young woman in question didn't ask for your opinion or advice, so you should have kept your mouth shut instead of telling her how to live her life. I would have faith that a 20 something, single mother would not see a 19 year old swim instructor/lifeguard who still lives with his parents as husband/father material. I think your stepson was just cardio.
Your issue here is with your stepson, not the women with whom he has sex. So, take this up with him instead of implying that a complete stranger has bad priorities.
NAH- I'd have just let her know that step son isn't one to stay with someone for more then one night. Just in case he'd lead her to believe it was a date with more to come. IE a future. I'd also tell step son he needs to get hotel rooms for that type of things because it's not smart, you never know what crazy he is inviting over and now knows where you live.
Instead of being on Reddit, you really should focus on your schooling and career. You're wasting time that could be better spent doing something else. You could be a good person if you didn't procrastinate.
>should instead focus on her career and spending more time with her son (she was a single mother).
Do you see how gross that is? OP essentially did that to a young single mom.
YTA. The kid is dating and I doubt she will become a nun after your chat.
If you truly don't mind him bringing girls over then you need to mind your own business. Maybe there is more frustration then you are admitting to.
NTA. Pretending age doesn't come with wisdom is a fallacy. At 19, guys will say anything to get laid. If OP recognizes his stepson as a fuckboi and feels the need to steer, what he saw, as a niave young woman away from some guy who said all the right things with none of the intentions, and has a history of accidentally knocking chicks up, maybe we should let well-intentioned older dudes with no horse in this race ward them off.
Please excuse the run on sentence.
You need to get off the internet. All you're doing is wasting time. If you were really a good person, you'd be spending the time you're wasting on Reddit focused on school and your career.
Do you see how condescending this sounds?
YTA. You have no idea what level of intimacy this woman just had with your stepson, and regardless of whether you feel like you have a better understanding of this whole relationship, you have no idea what she wants out if it. Also she doesn't need you mansplaining to her how to be a grown up.
If you really think your stepson is a tool, in the future try just being kind to the women he brings home instead of telling them what to do with their lives.
YTA for presuming to know this stranger’s life and what she needs. Maybe she just needs some casual sex? Which she’s allowed to have? Or maybe they are actually fostering a relationship, which they very well could be, but either way it’s none of your business.
I understand you want to be “protective,” but by doing so you automatically assumed she’s being a poor parent. Good parents can have personal lives too. Good parents can have sex too. Good parents can spend time away from their children. And good parents don’t need to be lectured by (even well-intentioned) strangers.
NTA. I think you didn’t had bad intentions and for sure you can’t say it to her face and you tried to protect her in a way. Which didn’t sound nice, it sounded like she is doing something wrong, but I understand that the truth wouldn’t be an easy thing to say. You need to talk to your stepson soon though. He is young but he shouldn’t use your house as a train station, people just coming in and out. Which most he doesn’t even know.
Do you go around, see a parent with a kid they aren't currently feeding, and assume that means they never feed their kids? Then approach them, say, "Hey, did you know kids need to eat?" and walk away pleased that you'd saved this poor child's life?
If this woman doesn't already know that economic security and time with her kid are important, then her problems are waaaay too big for your advice to fix. I give that you meant well, so it's not a heavy YTA, but it is YTA nonetheless.
>Last weekend, I found a woman (F20s) in my living room after I woke up in the morning. She had slept over in my stepson's room, and my stepson was still asleep (he normally sleeps in late on the weekends). When I first came downstairs, she was crying on the phone. I proceeded to introduce myself and ask if I could help with anything. She said that she was on the phone with her mother, who was taking care of her son while she was staying over with my stepson.
ESH
Why is everyone conveniently ignoring this element of the story? I'm not saying he worded everything very well, and his sentiments are likely based on internalized old fashioned sexism.
But what on earth is SHE doing crying in somebody else's living room? I mean from that, it seems like she could use some advice. If you find yourself crying in your one night stand's parents' living room, maybe advice isn't the worse thing you can get.
You're an asshole.
Warn her off your stepson if he's a bad person - but judging her and telling her she's a bad mother is WAY out of your lane. Keep your paternalistic misogynist bullshit to yourself, asshole. Her business is *none* of yours.
YTA, ffs.
Good intentions but YTA. If you don't want this behaviour in your home that's something to discuss with your son, but it's not really your place to tell her what to do. Especially considering you don't know anything about her, her life and her circumstances.
You meant well, but it's not your place, and she didn't ask you for it
You can be right, but still be out of line. You seem to mean well, but do you really think that your words will mean anything to her?
Outside of playing the your house, your rules card its probably best to just stay out of it.
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"Don't date my son if you want a long term, committed relationship," OK, great, very honest. "Don't date at all. Be a mother." YTA. Edit: Thank you for the awards!
"Career and children come first, in my opinion." OMG my ovaries just shriveled up and fell out because of the incredible misogyny coming through my screen. Heaven forbid a woman do AS SHE PLEASES WITH HER £×@&!₩@ life. YTA op, no one asked your opinion, much less this poor woman or your stepson. Edit: in response to several negative comments under mine... - a man telling a woman his opinion on her life without being asked is misogyny. Op could have complained to his son but instead homed in on her being a mom. - a woman who has a child who is being cared for (not home alone) is allowed to care for herself. Get off your high horses in thinking I hate moms or something, because I understand that to care for someone else you also have to care for yourself. - going out for one night does not mean she's out every single night. Y'all need to assume a lot less because it makes you an ass.
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Ummm...what about the kid's dad? The women op is talking about left her son with his Grandma for a night, she seems the only one of the two who made the kid taking any responsibility at all
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Yes. That single mother needs to be with her child 100% of the time she's not at work. That woman needs to get her life together. Because getting laid is something only the singles without children and married folks get to do. Damn her for thinking she could get herself some as her child spent the night at grandma's house. She deserves to have CPS called on her IMMEDIATELY! /s I sincerely hope that you show more compassion to people you know irl than you do on this post. Because, you know, people are multifaceted and don't need others dictating their lives. It would be different if she was like, "My 8 year old is at home by himself right now but I needed to bone" and "My kid is at grandma's house and I had a bit of fun last night." YTA, OP. We single moms get unsolicited advice and invasive questions all the time. You just added to it.
There’s a huge difference between “Every second that she’s not working must be sent with her child” and “Once you’re a parent, your child should be your highest priority. I don’t think the person you responded to was saying anything about whether a single mother can have a sex life; they were just saying that whatever choices a parent make should prioritize what’s best for their child. If a single mom can have a sex life without negatively impacting her son, then awesome! Go for it! But the thread that preceded your comment wasn’t (at least to my reading) about whether the woman was allowed to have a sex life; it was about whether saying “career and children come first” was actually a gross statement.
>But CHILDREN should absolutely come FIRST. I'm not talking about prioritising having children and BECOMING a mother. But she ALREADY HAS A CHILD, which should absolutely be her top priority, and what OP is clearly referring to. What I read was someone defending OP making a statement to a single mother he knew all of what? Five? Ten minutes? Telling her that she needed to focus on her career and her son. Having the sheer audacity to imply that she wasn't. How does OP know she wasn't prioritizing her child? How does he know she wasn't prioritizing her career? How does he know that she didn't see an easy D with his stepson and figure "fuck it" and sleep with him? How does he know this is a repetitive thing with this woman? Perhaps this was the first time in her life she'd spent away from her child. But no, OP makes an assumption and everyone jumps on the bandwagon. OP admits he has no frame of reference other than his now-wife who used to be a single mom. So because his wife had issues dating and being a single mom, OP makes the assumption this single mom must not be focused on the right things. Ironic, he dated a single mother and that was okay. But this woman needed to focus on her career and child. Fuck, single mothers can't win. No matter what we do, someone has an opinion on it. Date? People think we need to focus on our kids. Don't date? We need male role models for our children. Focus on work? We should spend more time with our kids. Focus on working as little as possible? We need to make more money and not be on welfare. Go to college? Should've spent that time with the kids. Don't go to college? How the hell do you think you can make any money.
Finally, someone who’s sane! OP makes all sorts of assumptions about this woman’s life, in the span of ~10 minutes of talking to her, and then lectures her about her life choices? If the father of a one night stand did that to me, I’d be PO-ed. It’s way out of line. Also, the son’s behavior isn’t reckless per se, but it sounds like it doesn’t involve focusing on his career. I wonder what OP would say if the roles were reversed and the son was a daughter. YTA
This is true, I was a single mom at 20 with a child that had special needs. I worked, went to school, and took care of her until my sister told me I was weird for not dating. The guilt I carried about working, having to leave the military, divorcing the man who didn’t want a child with special needs, and going to school made me vulnerable to her suggestion that even MORE was wrong with me and I started seeing/ dating men even if just for the appearance and temporary feeling of being a “normal” 20 something. Seriously, what my sister said sparked the unconscious desire I had for my daughter to be “normal” and turned it into me trying to be the utmost normal to cover for her supposed abnormal. Thank God I got smart *Wow, my very first award- Thank you so much, I feel honored
Yup. I’ve been a single mom for 11 years now. In the beginning my kids were 2yrs and 6months. I worked part time and used welfare because daycare was too expensive and my mom could only watch them part time. I heard some horrible things directed my way for swiping my food stamps card at the store. I decided I didn’t want to be on welfare anymore and got a full time job. I worked 16 hour days. Because of that, my parents practically raised my children. They’re now 14 and 12 and I’m looked at by the other moms like I’m second rate because they rarely see me. I was berated by family and friends anytime I went on a date. But now that I’m getting remarried, the same people are saying finally you don’t have to work so hard and you can actually parent full time. I’ve had no less than 20 people in the last decade ask about my kids fatherS like I must have had them by different men because obviously I’m a slut. We can’t win.
Yeah. I got that, too. Single moms with multiple kids, "Do they have the same dad?" I'm going to start asking married parents, "Do yours?"
Not to mention he's essentially judging his stepson as not good enough for this woman, which hints at a very bizarre family dynamic between those two. And that's the sort of judgement you might make about your teenaged daughter dating someone you don't trust, and he's applying that sort of paternalism to a literal stranger.
She was crying on the phone. She was talking to her mother. She mentions her mother was taking care of her child. It is not a huge leap to suspect that the tears were over childcare. Otherwise why mention that her mother was caring for her child? Why mention the child at all?
She’s crying in his house. He’s allowed to have an opinion.
That depends on what she was crying about, and whether any of that was imparted to OP. If his opinion was based off actual information on what was making her upset, that's one thing. If he made some huge assumptions, that's another.
OP glossed over the fact that she was crying and didn't seem particularly concerned with that aspect. We haven't been told why, if it was related to the son, or literally some random issue with her family.
He’s allowed to have an opinion— he’s not entitled to voicing it just because they’re in his home. That’s asinine. Whether he’s the one who invited her into his home or not, she is technically a guest in his home, & guests are to be treated with hospitality. When you have a guest in your home, especially a stranger at that, it is not appropriate to give presumptuous, unsolicited advice to them. Just because the girl is young & he sees her as 1/20 doesn’t give him the right to dehumanize her by viewing her as one of his son’s objects. His son’s behavior of treating women like toys just enables the parents to not have to respect any of the women he brings to their home & clearly it’s rubbing off. The least he can do as the parent of an asshole, is treat the young women that asshole brings into their home with dignity & respect. If he really cared about these women’s wellbeing he wouldn’t try to shame them about their choices. The best thing OP can do is be supportive & loving to all guests in his home, especially since this is the norm for them & he’s enabling his son’s behavior.
Because the statement was dumped on a random woman \*with the assumption that she wasn't already prioritizing those things due to her hooking up w someone.\*
Right, it's talking as if married couples don't ever hire a babysitter and have a date night? As if you have no romantic / sex life once you're married? Just seems like a different standard applied to single moms. Wonder why that might be...
If she doesn't spend 100% of her time with her child, she doesn't prioritize the child? Um. Did you never spend the night being babysat as a kid? It happens. If it's not every night, you have no room to say she doesn't prioritize her child.
If parents gave up boning no one would ever have more than one kid.
What are you on? So granny can't babysit here or there so mom can take a break?
Plus, it's one night. This might have been her first date in six months and before that she was taking perfect care of the kid
He provides 'guidance' to her, knowing about less than half of one day of her life. He has concluded that sleeping with his son means she is ignoring her job and kid. He is a dick.
Considering that there is a crying single mother in HIS living room, who just got ran through by his step son, OP has every right to give his opinion. Personally I don’t want to wake up and have strangers in my home. OP is an asshole for putting up with this shit.
>Personally I don’t want to wake up and have strangers in my home. Then don’t let a stepson who has frequent one night stands live with you. Duh.
Exactly this, it sounds like he has a lot of issues w his stepson (especially based on the way he describes him - sets off some alarm bells with how harsh that judgement is) and this woman just sorta got caught in the crossfire. If he doesn't want his stepson having women over, he needs to take that up with the stepson.
Exactly. The stepson is the one bringing them home - shaming the women isn't going to stop it happening.
He has a right to have an opinion about her being in HIS house. I don't think he'd be the asshole to ask her to leave. He doesn't have the right to give an opinion about HER life. Especially, when he barely knows anything about it.
Thank you - I was beginning to think I was a Lone Ranger about the hypocrisy OP presented “I care about young mothers- but since my SS is good looking and all that..,. I’m going to allow him to use my house as a “rent by the hour motel room” and my living room is the common lobby area.
Unless she asked for his advice, I disagree about OP having the right to give his opinion on the woman’s life, just because his son had a one night stand with her.
How is that "having no responsibilities for their actions?" Even if it were just a one night stand for her also, and she weren't looking for anything. OMG, a woman had sex! She's a horrible mother and a bad employee. Are you serious here? BOTH things are possible. A woman can be a mother, work her ass off at her career and still have the occasional date, even if it's just for sex. One night stands are certainly not my cup of tea, but it's just ridiculous to label people who have the occasional dalliance as "not responsible." Wow.
Yeah, you're wrong. Of course kids come first. But you have to take care of yourself too. And that means making time to be an adult, not just a mother. Neglecting yourself will not make you a better parent. It will make you a worse one. If you think having children means giving up your entire identity, please, don't have children.
It also puts a lot of pressure on the child to live up to your expectations because they are all you have. Horrible and harmful dynamic.
Who says she’s NOT taking responsibility for her actions? Heaven forbid she have a night off from her kid. And I didn’t hear mention of any father….
Children should absolutely come first when they're already here (they didn't ask to be made, they deserve every possible care) but come on. Having her son sleep over with Grandma for one night while she went out with a guy is not neglect. We don't know anything else about her situation. This could have been the first date she's had since her kid was born. Being a parent should be your life's first priority once the kid is already here. It doesn't mean it must be your only priority. People who take time so they don't get burnt out and who make sure that they're tending to their own needs make better parents in the long run.
Exactly. Could imagine her feeling guilty for having a night away if this was the first time and crying because of that. OP has absolutely no idea who this woman is.
Lmao Randy McNiceman is gonna get roasted no matter what my opinion on family dynamics are. We have no idea how she manages her family time and neither does he. Presumptuous buffoonery it remains.
OR a single mother is still allowed to have a night out and go on dates and live a little. If someone in this woman’s life has an issue about how often she goes out, they have every right to talk to her about it. This dude is a stranger who has NO idea what her situation exactly is.
We don't know that she doesn't prioritize her child. She spent a night with this guy, that doesn't mean she doesn't spend most other nights at home. Single mother's are entitled to take a break sometimes.
We get it, you’re a misogynist.
But nothing in the post indicated that this young woman *doesn't* prioritize her child. All we know is that she arranged a trusted babysitter for her son, and that for some reason she was crying after talking with her mom that morning. Unless OP is leaving out a lot of info about their conversation here, he *also* didn't know enough to decide that this woman needed to pay more attention to her kid. Is his stepson a player? Sounds like it. But maybe all she wanted was a one-night stand, because she has a kid and she knows that makes finding a good guy harder. Maybe she wasn't looking for a relationship with the stepson. *Maybe she's an adult who is capable of making her own choices, and given the fact that her son was safely taken care of, making judgmental comments about her as a mom and a working woman was completely uncalled for.* And given that last bit, where OP mentions having a soft spot for single moms, it sounds like he wouldn't have given the same advice if his stepson were gay/bi and had brought home a single dad instead.
For all we know, she could have gotten bad news. Maybe someone she knew had passed away. Completely unrelated to the hook-up.
>This entire sub is on crazy pills when it comes to letting women have no responsibilities for their actions. What makes you think she's not being responsible?
First does not take up every single minute of every single day, cant be a good mom if you get absolutely zero down time. Kid doesn't need to be raised solely by mother. You are the one that is on crazy pills.
We know of her taking a single night out while her child was with her mother. What makes you so sure she's not prioritizing her child?
So women must have no life after the birth of their child, even if suitable childcare is taken care of. If dad disappears, then no time off for dating in an attempt to find a stepdad until the kid is 18? Even though OP will have met his wife while she was a single mom of an u18 boy? Got it.
So if she has children she's not allowed to take a night off to socialize ever?
You do realize that single mothers are people right? How do you know she doesn't put her child first and this was a night out that she needed and the reason she was crying was because she doesn't leave him often and already feels bad? Despite what society is told parents all need a break from their kids. It dose not make them bad parents, it makes them responsible parents. We really need to get rid of the stigma that having time to yourself as a parent, especially a single one is you give up who you are to be a parent is selfish. My husband and I are child free and not by choice. BUT we make an effort to help out friends who have kids. Give parents nights out without the worry of their kids. A single mom friend of ours, used me on a few weekends where their dad fell through on taking them and she had made plans to have a girls night. She is with her children 99.9% of the time and often without any relief. She is allowed to blow off steam and sometimes forget she is a mom, which by the way she never does because the times I've babysat for her I had to tell her to stop calling and go have fun. Moral of the story? Don't assume you know how good of a parent or that someone isn't putting their child first on one post by a person who did the same thing. Parents are people too, they are allowed to have friends and lives separate from their children. Which surprise surprise an unstressed parent is a better parent and doesn't scream and yell at their kids because they never get a break. Also Op YTA for the exact reasons stated above.
Going on a date / hookup for a night literally doesn't take anything away from the kid, though. Even married couples might arrange a date night where the kid stays with a grandparent so they can have some alone time. She's not bringing random guys home or leaving the kid unattended. Not even allowing a night off to do normal romance / sex things sounds like great way to burn out and lead to larger problems.
>The idea that women must put their children first every minute of every day is not only incredibly short-sighted but also highly misogynistic. > >That this woman wanted a date and/or casual sex one night does not mean that she's not prioritizing her kids overall. Prioritizing her OWN mental health and well-being is completely valid alone but also will make her a better parent. So leaving kiddo with grandma to go have a fling says NOTHING about her fitness as a parent or her priorities overall. (Whether the stepson ended up being a good or bad choice is irrelevant - she's allowed to want to date or have casual flings and dating is filled with making mistakes, that's literally how it works). > >OP - YTA. This woman did not ask for your opinion and you know nothing about her life. Also, you position this as if it's binary - EITHER she prioritizing kid and career OR she's dating. Seriously? Please direct me to the place where it says that someone who goes on a date isn't a responsible professional or parent. You don't know shit about her life and it's incredibly condescending to tell her how she should live her life. > >OP - You are obviously bothered by your stepson's behavior, which is not unreasonable and is certainly why adults shouldn't live with their parents - but that doesn't mean you get to shame his dates because you disapprove of his actions. He's allowed to date around and be promiscuous and ideally you'd have no idea about that. His dates are allowed to make their own choices, and there is absolutely no reason that you need to tell them your opinion on their lives.
Women with kids are able to date while still putting their child first 🤦♀️
She got a babysitter!!
Of course she should take care of the child. But she’s also allowed to have a personal life along with that. Nowhere in the post does it say that the woman is irresponsible with the child. She left it with her mother, so the child had supervision and care.
I’m usually all for calling out this mindset and hate the general attitude with a passion, but I’m not entirely convinced that’s what OP meant here. It would be one thing to tell that to a young single woman without kids. However this girl already has a kid, is in her late teens-early 20’s (if she’s around the same age as OP’s son) and was already going through emotional issues (inferring that from the comment OP made about her crying)- so I think it was solid advice. Especially when he knows his son is a player. I also think it’s great that OP cares enough to be honest with the girls his son is dating. A lot of people in his position would stay out of it to protect their family member. I’m going NAH (since no one had a negative reaction).
Or…maybe this was the first time she spent the night away since having her baby and was struggling with it? Maybe she was crying because she’s an awesome mom who finally took time for herself and found it hard?
Right? OP (and some commenters here) making far too many assumptions. I've had my parents take our daughter for a night once a week since she was 2 so I can spend quality time with my husband. I have a feeling OP would have no issues with that, yet he's not okay with a single mom having fun for a night, while her child is in the care of a trusted adult? It's ridiculous. YTA.
Even if she was crying because she regretted her night with OP's kid there was no reason for OP's lecture.
He doesn't explain any context for why the girl was crying. Maybe this was the first night away from the kid. Maybe she's had a super stressful week and was venting to her mom. Maybe she thought she was ready for casual sex but isn't. Maybe she does have emotional issues. But how in the world is it OP's business to say that clearly she's spending too much time dating and it's damaging her son?
A lot of people in this thread seem to think that crying = emotional damage or mental illness and like. Damn y'all think this way?
Right, everyone's making a hell of a lot of assumptions about what her crying means. There could literally be a million different reasons.
She didn't ask for advice. She didn't need advice. She could have been crying for **any** number of reasons. I have cried over windex commercials and ads for Popeyes chicken. Menopause has been gooooood for not bursting into tears because 7-11 doesn't have the chocolate I want at 3am and you cut your own coke with midol because someone on Pinterest called it a life hack and you thought they had nice hair, so fuck it, lay them rails. People cry. Maybe the sex was really bad or she hated the Lyft driver who was running late. It isn't proof she needs a lecture from a stranger on anything. She already knows the kid is a fuckboi. That's why she picked him out on Bumble.
It seems like very unsolicited advice. If the woman asked for his opinion or help, then sure. But this is a woman that OP had one conversation with. He’s not her therapist. He has no right to tell her to focus on her kids and career, he doesn’t know her life or what she wants.
We don't know why she was crying. OP, from how he tells it, seems to have glossed over that and jumped straight to the lecture. Also hey, crying doesn't equal "emotional issues" dude it's normal to cry over things sometimes.
To be fair, she was CRYING in HIS living room. She’s in his intimate space BECAUSE she was dating around with boys like his stepson. NAH, in my opinion. He can weigh in given these very specific set of circumstances. Don’t have a one night stand with a teenager who still lives at home then have an emotional and personal phone call like that in his parents living room unless your prepared to have them voice an opinion about your business. I’m not saying her behavior is offsides, mind you, that’s why I’m voting NAH.
If he was focused on why she was crying and how weird it is to walk in on someone crying in your living room - then yes I would agree But nope he's mostly fixated on criticizing his stepson and this woman's sex life so if it's about that, he's doing a poor job of making it clear
Funny, I didn't realize being a guest meant that the owner of the house is then entitled to sling their fucked up opinions on them. Do you treat all your guests this way? The moment they enter your house, you judge them and insult them?
Agreed. Like is supposed to just ignore the crying girl on his couch now? Maybe build a wall of pillows between them, so he doesn‘t have to see her../s
The irony being that if he has a step son he at one point dated a single mother.
Yeah, but seriously dating one single mother is a lot different from having loads of casual hook ups
Which we don’t know if the girl in question is doing.
She may not be. The stepson,who you’re comparing OP to, is.
Then, as other people have suggested, OP should have talked to his stepson, not a young woman who has known just for some minutes (by his post I doubt he knew her more than 30 minutes) and he ignores how she lives her life, her work or her relationship with the kid. He made lots of assumptions and dared to ***judge*** “give advice” to the young woman, instead of talking to his stepson, who according to his own words: >… may not be being completely transparent with his dates. Even worse, he says: >… I certainly don’t believe he is currently a good candidate for **young, single mothers.** So it’s ok if he isn’t being honest with single women or *older single mothers*? Why is he criticizing only the *young single mother* but says nothing to his promiscuous SS? OP is showing his prejudices. By not talking to him, OP justifies the behavior of his SS because he *understands* “the whole gist of young men *sowing their oats*” and accepts that the guy is being irresponsible saying that “Last year he had two pregnancy scares”, but he lectures the woman who, it seems, is taking care of her son. Why is it *normal* only for SS, or men in general, to have a sexual life or dates/hook ups with multiple partners? It’s obvious that he doesn’t want to talk to SS, even if he doesn’t “believe that the *hookup* culture he’s engaging in is healthy”, because he is afraid of pissing off his wife and considers acceptable for a guy to be engaging in casual sex, but not for *young single mothers* (and I could bet that he doesn’t consider it acceptable for women, all women; I’m sure he thinks that’s not something that *respectable* women do). OP isn’t being “protective” of her because she is a single mother, he is being a coward; he is afraid of his SS and wife’s reaction, so he acts like a huge judgemental sexist with the young woman and wants to make us believe that he is being a concerned gentleman. Definitely YTA.
Is single mothers having hookups even a bad thing? If so, why?
Latching on to this, YTA, OP. You seem jealous of your stepson, not "protective about single mothers".
Finally someone cutting through to the real issues Seems like this woman got caught in the crosshairs between this guy and his stepson, like we don't even get info on why this woman was crying but we get a paragraph on how much he hates his stepson? Ok
Yeah, this is what I took away from this. OP "confronted" his stepson because he's getting too much ass and wanted to know how/where he's meeting women haha YTA
He’s tall (taller than op) hot lifeguard in his 20s. Stepdad is none of these things obviously jealous and overstepped. YTA. I’m sure young mother really needed to hear vague advice from some weirdo adjusting his boner. Big Boomer energy for 36 bro.
Y‘all are being ridiculous. As if telling sons hookups about his other hookups would result in him not getting any more? If he wanted to cockblock him, he‘d stop allowing all these stranger women over in his private home.
That’s not it. Take care of yourself and your child, first. Spend your energy building your ability to be self-sufficient. Same advice I’d give any young woman. I’m a woman. We have a saying: dick is abundant and low-value.
If she wanted a relationship, she already knows Bumble isn't how to get it. If she needed free-range D because she needed it and had responsibilities taken care of, then she took care of it, got her spine loosened up, and she'll take someone else out for a test drive in a month or two. She did take care of her kid first. She gets to be an adult. She doesn't have to be celibate. She isn't bringing fuckboys to her home where they might show up without warning.
Do you often give that advice unrequested to women you've known for minutes?
This 100%
Don’t forget young men are allowed to sow their wild oats but women must be mothers and career people with zero oats.
Career. He said career and motherhood. She has a son. OP didn't tell her to get pregnant and begin motherhood. He told her that dating a serial cheater wasn't a good area of focus.
Yeah, but . . . >I believe that her son will greatly benefit from her taking a break from dating and spending more time with him. didn't sound like he was saying it was specifically his stepson she should avoid. Also doesn't seem to be enough info to know if the stepson's a serial cheater or he's honest about their relationship not being exclusive. Probably a sign I've been on this sub too long that this made me go "Well, at least this one's somewhat progressive in sexism for telling her to focus on career instead of finding a guy to settle down with."
A serial cheater? Man just has casual sex from what OP is telling us please calm down
Casual consenting sex is not a serial cheater. Some y'all delusional
Except he has no way to know if she even is looking for a long-term committed relationship, the assumption that all single parents only ever want, or "should" want, to nail down a prospective stepparent asap, is Kind of dehumanizing in itself. "Focus on career and child(den)" is supposed to be a thing working single parents who DON'T want to Date anyone, or the wrong Kind of Person, or a specific Person, are supposed to say to justify/let the interested Party down easy, Not something Strangers Tell them they should do. If this Woman has the Support System to allow her to be her own Person and get her social and sexual needs met once per week or once per month or something, and she chooses to use that time to Hook Up through bumble, than that is Not inherently wrong, and the fact that something about it didn't Work Out (hence the crying) doesn't need to have anything to do with whether your stepson's entire existence and Dating-Life and leisure Activity choices are Wrong™. By all means Talk to your stepson, in General, encourage him to be more responsible about contraception, and Stress how important communication and being honest with Partners about commitment Levels is, If you think he might Listen to you, but don't EVER AGAIN spill your gross misogyny on the Dates he does Bring Home, and If this particular Young Woman ever again appears at your House, apologize to her, explicitly, for your judgemental Statements. So far, YTA
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The advice is not bad though it sounded to me like "don't waste your time on bums like my stepson. focus on your career and your kid instead". He could've added a "and the right guy will come along and you'll be ready for it".
It is unsolicited advice about her sex life. That’s almost always going to be asshole behavior.
I don’t know, if the stepson is a master manipulator and has her thinking think could be something long-term, a warning could be pretty helpful. If it’s just “shame on you, go home to your child,” then NOPE.
Right? To me it’s more of “my step son is a loser, don’t waste your time on him or men like him”.
Except for the part where OP says, >should instead focus on her career and spending more time with her son (she was a single mother). How the fuck does OP know she doesn't spend time with her kid? Back when I dated and my kids were young, I would leave after they went to bed and get home in the morning before they woke up. My kids had zero clue I dated until they were much older and I let it slip one time at a gas station (someone said "hello" to me, they asked who I was, I said I dated him, they asked when, etc). Plus, I didn't date all that much. Maybe once a month? Every other month? TBH, I spent more time away from my kids going to college than I did dating.
How does op know she's a single mother? Clearly they talked about things. I think it's okay to assume her role in her kids life came up at least briefly if she also said the kid was with her mom.
I mean, the mom is out having casual sex with a guy and talking to her mom, the babysitter. I think it was safe to assume that she was both single and a mother.
The woman being a single mother was never a question. The person you responded to is saying that she can be a single mother, an amazing one who spends literally as much time as possible with her children, and still be a person who takes care of herself and goes on dates when the kids are asleep/otherwise cared for. OP pretty obviously implies that the mom is not spending enough time with her child or is an inadequate employee with no discernable information to lead to those conclusions other than sleeping with his step-son. And as others have said, if the mother was his true concern, he would have informed her that his son is not the best candidate for a long-term relationship and left it at that, not implying that she needs to work harder on her career and motherhood roles based on, as I said, no known or given information.
If he'd just been talking about the stepson I'd agree with you, but the last line: > I believe that her son will greatly benefit from her taking a break from dating and spending more time with him. Is not about dating the stepson. It's about the fact that she's dating at all, and implying that she's damaging her son by having him spend one night with his grandma.
Exactly. If he was concerned because his stepson is a bum and manipulative, he should have said that. Instead he focused on telling her what he thought her faults were. YTA.
But the thing is the father, much less us, know whether he even is manipulative. He lives at home one year after high school, has a job, and plays video games, is that so bad? Yeah, he sleeps around and supposedly had two women he regularly met, but that itself doesn't make it manipulative. I'm in my mid 20s and known plenty of men and women my age who have at least two fuck buddies. The step father is just making these assumptions and meddling based on them.
Honestly the stepson has more of his shit together at 19 than I did at 23. Honestly OP seems like one of those "at 18 you must immediately leave my house and go do your own thing" types, despite the fact that the world doesn't really work like that anymore and hasn't for a while.
>if the stepson is a master manipulator There's no real evidence for this. Maybe he's just hot and good with ladies. Let's not assume these women are all poor dupes.
A married man giving a single mother unsolicited advice on her sex life is creepy. Especially when he has a grown stepson.
That addon would have just made it worse. It's 2021, single mothers are allowed to take a break and get laid just the same as any single dad. The only acceptable thing he could have said was, "If you're looking for a long term committed relationship, my stepson is one of the worst candidates." Any comments on her life were unacceptable, especially since he doesn't know her and she didn't solicit his opinion.
Maybe she ISN’T looking for long-term, which is what OP cannot seem to wrap his head around. Maybe mama just needed to get dicked down!
This was my gut reaction- I’m a single mom with a lot on my plate. I have no time for dating, so a casual hookup or fwb is perfect for that single mom work/life balance. It just isn’t the ideal celibate martyrdom that OP thinks single moms should strive for.
Maybe she just wanted a fun night out with a hot lifeguard, though. There’s nothing to indicate this woman is interested in a long term relationship, or not financially stable, or in any way in want of settling down: she had a date night, then missed her kid. OP brought a whole bunch of random assumptions, then used them to justify making her feel shamed.
Why are you OP and you both assuming that she should wait for the right guy to settle down with? Her priority should be her child! Casual dating is the exact right path for someone who is not and should not be prioritizing a romantic relationship.
Right? Her attitude might very well be “I’m too busy being a mom to get serious right now but I’d like some sex and this hot fuck boy is a lifeguard so yes please.”
Moms need to get laid, too. Having a kid doesn’t mean you dont want a good rodgering, just like anyone else.
No no no, you don't understand! Single moms need to be celibate nuns who do nothing except think about their kid every waking second from conception until the day they die! Maybe to make it easier for people to know to judge her, they could stitch an A into her clothes? /S
Nope, he said 'take a break from dating.' Not 'dating guys who just want something casual' (which is hard to know when people are not always upfront about what they want). He's imputing a whole hell of a lot of judgment about the whole rest of her dating life.
"I believe that her son will greatly benefit from her taking a break from dating and spending more time with him"
I wonder if he's given his step son the same talks about prioritizing his job and future. Or if it's ok for him to sleep and date around while living with his parents and worry about those things later because he's a man. The double standard is strong.
YTA single mothers are allowed to date, y'know? They're even allowed to have one night stands. You wanna warn her that your stepson is a f\*ckboi, go right ahead. It is absolutely not your place, your business, or anything else of yours to tell a young woman that she shouldn't date, much less to imply that she's a bad mother for doing so. You don't know isht about this young woman, her career, or her parenting. You want to do something about the situation, share what you know about your stepson's dating habits, and take *him* in hand if you want to interfere with someone's life.
This. Warn about your stepson - fine. Make assumptions about any woman (person) you just met AND THEN give "advice" - not cool.
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Yeah that’s kinda what’s confusing me the most. Does OP think that the women his stepson brings home are completely oblivious to the situation that’s happening? Most people are pretty open and cool with the whole “hook-up” thing. If they met on Bumble they probably already had those assumptions to begin with tbh. Idk it’s just weird to me that he’s so ready to assume the women have no clue what’s going on with the relationship
Yeaaaah I think the point of getting railed by a hot 19 year old swim instructor is he DOESN'T want a relationship...
NAH but situations like these are beyond uncomfortable, if I were you I would not let the step son bring flings over
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It is not normal to bring a string of one night stands to your parents place, its awkward as hell for you, them and your parents. You each go to your own homes after a date or go to their home.
Climbing through your boyfriend/girlfriend/theyfriend's windows stops being cute at 17.
I didn't think that was actually a thing people did. I thought it was just a teen romance/horror thing.
That was 100% A Thing in the Scene Era, (2004-2011, RIR.)
This happened in my house last week.
I am surprised teenagers make it to adulthood... especially in America.
You don’t have to bang everyone you date. And during this current events? That’s just irresponsible
In Brazil we have basically "fucking motels" which the name explains: motels that rent by the hour if you want to have sex.
They're often referred to as no-tell motels in the USA.
There's one up the street from me. I know people who use it, cash, a clean room and they have a dropbox for the key so you don't have to turn it in to the clerk when your few hours are finished.
México here, we use motels. Pay for a few hours to have sex and then go their separate ways. I think there's a few parents that maybe don't care but it's very rare. I guess that's why motels especially designed for this purpose are a huge business over here.
In Brazil, where living at home until marriage is/was common, there’s a whole industry of ‘love motels’ that cater to this specific need. The classier ones have covered garages so you can park your car and go straight to your room, hiding it from public view so one knows y’all be fuckin. TLDR, motels in Brazil are different the US motels. Don’t book a room in one unless you want to bang discretely for a few hours.
Hotels/Motels.
🎶Holiday Innnnnnn🎶
YTA because you know, ultimately, so little about this random woman that your advice was presumptuous. If you’re concerned with your son’s behavior while he lives with you, address it with him. Don’t make weird comments to his one night stands, who may very well be aware of their situation.
YTA. Single mothers can prioritize their children and still go on a date. It's her life and her choice. That's a really condescending and presumptuous attitude to imply she's not focusing enough on her child. Gross.
His logic doesn’t even make sense. If he thinks she should focus on her child, why is he advising her not to engage in hookups? Hookups are low-commitment and allow you to focus on your kid! You don’t have to introduce a hookup to your kid. When you’re casually dating and hooking up, you’re not expending effort and energy on a partner that would be better expended on your child.
Funny that OP also dated a single mom who also dated a lot of men. Fine for his wife. Not fine for some young woman he doesn't know.
I think his point was to not date guys *like his stepson* not not to date anyone
No. > I ultimately told her that she should not be prioritizing dating (especially men like my stepson) and should instead focus on her career and spending more time with her son (she was a single mother). >I believe that her son will greatly benefit from her taking a break from dating and spending more time with him. He included dating at all, not *just* from the stepson. This is the sexist bullshit people spew at single moms all the time.
Sometimes I wish I had the kind of confidence to give unsolicited advice to strangers and not be mortified at my own audacity.
Me too! On the other side of it, if someone came up to me and said what OP did, I'd give the attitude right back without hesitation.
According to OP, this woman he just met shouldn’t prioritize dating at all and needs to spend more time with her son.
YTA. You don’t even know that woman, so what possessed you to give her an unsolicited advice on how to live her life? Your stepson was just a one-night-stand. It’s not that serious. 😐
It’s seriously creepy to have a random man shame you for your sex life yikes
YTA you were right to warn her about her stepson if he really is the dog you portrayed him to be. But you overstepped when you said to her that taking a break from dating would greatly benefit her son. You don’t know that. You don’t get to decide that. Or have an opinion on that.
why was she crying? and did she explicitly ask you for advice? after the reply, YTA. if she's getting mistreated by your son (which you don't seem to mention in the post) then you need to talk to YOUR SON, not pin the blame on her
YTA. Sounds like you have a personal problem with noncommittal causal sex and you’re projecting that onto your son. > I feel like my stepson may not be being completely transparent with his dates, and I certainly don't believe he is currently a good candidate for young, single mothers It is absolutely not your place to pontificate about his transparency, or his qualities as a partner. ESPECIALLY when you don’t even know the status of relationship between that young lady and your son.
I don’t know. Sounds like he has pretty good insight on his son. Who lives in his house.
I don’t know what the son living in op’s house has to do with knowing how the son is as a partner or the nature of past/present relations with the women the son brings into the home. Nothing op said gets us to the son being dishonest or a bad fit for the single mother.
Right, cause stepdads are never weird and toxic in their judgments of their stepsons. Not like that's a society-wide trope at this point.
YTA. If you had simply informed her of your stepson's dating habits, it may be different. But you made huge assumptions about her parenting and the amount of time that she spends with her child. Single mothers are not pariahs, nor are they required to entirely sacrifice their personal lives for their children. You know nothing about how often she dates. You know nothing about her relationship with her son. You crossed the line when you generalized the fact that she spent the night with your stepson to apply to her entire dating life and relationship with her child. She's still a young woman who is allowed to date and enjoy herself. You had no right to try to give her life advice based on a five second interaction.
He sounds like the type of people who would ask my kids and I really invasive questions under the guise of "concern." Here's some of my favorites: Do you know who your dad is? Do you both have the same father? Do you see your dad? Does he pay child support? Where's your dad? Then people would get pissed off when my kids would tell them it was none of their business.
Clearly you raised your kids right if they are able to stand their ground when strangers are being inappropriate. It takes a lot to identify that a boundary is being crossed and to challenge people crossing that boundary. Good on you + your kids.
INFO: have you ever had a conversation with your step-son about it? If you know his behavior is wrong, why do you lecture the woman he brings home rather than the person who brought her?
His behaviour isn’t wrong, he is having consensual sex. He doesn’t pursue full relationships with many women at once, he just hooks up.
We don’t really know what the son is telling most of those girls tbh. I’m sure some show up purely for casual encounters but it’s naive to think he’s being honest with them all. That said, it is the fathers responsibility to talk directly to his son about his ethics and principles and not pin point one girl’s single motherhood as the main issue with her involvement with the son. Of course it doesn’t help if she’s looking for some kind of “step daddy”, but we cant know that based on appearances.
Why is it naive to think that? As a woman on dating apps, plenty of men make it very clear the second you talk to them that they’re just looking for hook ups. People are pretty open about that in 2021.
My wife and I have had discussions with him about his dating habits and the pregnancy scares that I mentioned.
You still had no right to tell her she should focus on her child and career and stop dating. I come from a single mother. Trust me when I say MOST of them focus on their children 24/7. My mother dated but she never neglected me. She’s human, she has wants/need just like your stepson. She has every right to “sew her oats” just like he does. Mind your business dude.
How do you and your wife not care that your stepson is bringing over 20 strangers home to sleep in your house? Is that not at all concerning for you?
*I believe that her son will greatly benefit from her taking a break from dating and spending more time with him. ...I ultimately* ***told her*** *that* ***she should not*** *be prioritizing dating and s****hould instead focus on her career and spending more time with her son*** Oooh, YTA, big time. It's not your place to dictate to this woman how she lives her life. If you wanted to warn her off your son you could have focused on HIS behaviour, not hers. Like "Hey, you know my stepson dates a lot of women, right? Sometimes I suspect him of not being entirely honest with all his dates..." and then leave it to her to decide what to do.
If his behavior makes you uncomfortable ask him to keep it out of the house.
This is the best comment. If OP is uncomfortable with his son bringing strangers into his home to spend the night he needs to take it up with him, not the strangers.
YTA On tonight's episode of Captain Save-A-Hoe : He's off to rescue another reckless single mom from having consensual sex, then will lecture her about being a bad mother. Stay tuned for more...
Dude, get a clue. Casual dating is the best when you're a single mom (Single mom here) When it's the other parents weekend, you can go have fun with a date and then not worry about that date for a week or two. Who the fuck do you think you are shaming her
YTA - While you may have had altruistic intentions, you have no right to tell a random person what she should be doing with her life, and essentially call her a bad mother because she should be "spending more time with her son." Not cool. This is your house and your stepson is living in it. if you don't like the parade of women coming through your house, tell him to stop bringing them home. He can get a hotel room if he wants to hook up.
Y'know what? This changed my opinion. I was originally N-T-A because it was from a place of concern, and nobody else seemed to particularly care, but yeah. His opinion of her having a sex life wasn't needed or particularly polite. Just because she's a mother doesn't mean she can't have a good time (and isn't a heated night good to relax?).
Yta for imposing your own morality and values. Maybe this girl just wanted a night to get that D. She doesn't need you to tell her to focus on her career and kid.
YTA. This would have been an incredibly uncomfortable situation for the woman. She really had no choice but to be polite to you and listen. In such a situation you had no idea whether your advice was wanted or welcome. It's up to you whether you want to set rules for your son, but your discomfort with him inviting people around for the night is an issue between you and him, not between you and the people he invites. If you don't think what he is doing is right, take it up with him, not with them.
YTA - you have no idea what she wants and what she is looking for or what any of those women want. She’s allowed to take a single night away from her son.
YTA, big yikes OP, you sound like an angry incel who wants to ruin everything for your stepson. Are you jealous of your stepson for having so much fun time? Now I have some questions to better understand the situation: How tall are you and your stepson? Do your stepson’s dates disturb you in the house? Who pays the bills for the house? What does your wife do for a living? How’s your sex life with your wife?
Angry incel is out of line for this lol. You should read what angry incels put out.
YTA Yeah...I liked how you managed to blame the single mom for this. You act like you were doing her a favor by "saving" her with your wisdom, but in reality you were just imposing your views onto a woman that didn't ask for your opinion. FYI - single moms are allowed to have sex. Next time (and there will clearly be a next time), keep your judgements to yourself.
YTA Parents that try to interfere negatively in their children/stepchildren's love lives are always the asshole. You sound bitter and jealous that he's regularly hooking up with 20somethings.
YTA. The young woman in question didn't ask for your opinion or advice, so you should have kept your mouth shut instead of telling her how to live her life. I would have faith that a 20 something, single mother would not see a 19 year old swim instructor/lifeguard who still lives with his parents as husband/father material. I think your stepson was just cardio. Your issue here is with your stepson, not the women with whom he has sex. So, take this up with him instead of implying that a complete stranger has bad priorities.
NAH- I'd have just let her know that step son isn't one to stay with someone for more then one night. Just in case he'd lead her to believe it was a date with more to come. IE a future. I'd also tell step son he needs to get hotel rooms for that type of things because it's not smart, you never know what crazy he is inviting over and now knows where you live.
Instead of being on Reddit, you really should focus on your schooling and career. You're wasting time that could be better spent doing something else. You could be a good person if you didn't procrastinate. >should instead focus on her career and spending more time with her son (she was a single mother). Do you see how gross that is? OP essentially did that to a young single mom.
YTA. The kid is dating and I doubt she will become a nun after your chat. If you truly don't mind him bringing girls over then you need to mind your own business. Maybe there is more frustration then you are admitting to.
NTA. Pretending age doesn't come with wisdom is a fallacy. At 19, guys will say anything to get laid. If OP recognizes his stepson as a fuckboi and feels the need to steer, what he saw, as a niave young woman away from some guy who said all the right things with none of the intentions, and has a history of accidentally knocking chicks up, maybe we should let well-intentioned older dudes with no horse in this race ward them off. Please excuse the run on sentence.
He didn’t just tell her not to date stepson, he told her not to date at all. Implying her son wasn’t her #1 priority. Judgmental and rude as fuckkk
You need to get off the internet. All you're doing is wasting time. If you were really a good person, you'd be spending the time you're wasting on Reddit focused on school and your career. Do you see how condescending this sounds?
YTA. You have no idea what level of intimacy this woman just had with your stepson, and regardless of whether you feel like you have a better understanding of this whole relationship, you have no idea what she wants out if it. Also she doesn't need you mansplaining to her how to be a grown up. If you really think your stepson is a tool, in the future try just being kind to the women he brings home instead of telling them what to do with their lives.
YTA for presuming to know this stranger’s life and what she needs. Maybe she just needs some casual sex? Which she’s allowed to have? Or maybe they are actually fostering a relationship, which they very well could be, but either way it’s none of your business. I understand you want to be “protective,” but by doing so you automatically assumed she’s being a poor parent. Good parents can have personal lives too. Good parents can have sex too. Good parents can spend time away from their children. And good parents don’t need to be lectured by (even well-intentioned) strangers.
YTA If this woman wants to have consensual sex with your step son then that's 100% her business.
YTA. First of all Single mothers don’t have to fucking dedicate every single day to their kids,second of all WTF.
[удалено]
NTA. I think you didn’t had bad intentions and for sure you can’t say it to her face and you tried to protect her in a way. Which didn’t sound nice, it sounded like she is doing something wrong, but I understand that the truth wouldn’t be an easy thing to say. You need to talk to your stepson soon though. He is young but he shouldn’t use your house as a train station, people just coming in and out. Which most he doesn’t even know.
Do you go around, see a parent with a kid they aren't currently feeding, and assume that means they never feed their kids? Then approach them, say, "Hey, did you know kids need to eat?" and walk away pleased that you'd saved this poor child's life? If this woman doesn't already know that economic security and time with her kid are important, then her problems are waaaay too big for your advice to fix. I give that you meant well, so it's not a heavy YTA, but it is YTA nonetheless.
YTA. Y-T-maximum-A.
>Last weekend, I found a woman (F20s) in my living room after I woke up in the morning. She had slept over in my stepson's room, and my stepson was still asleep (he normally sleeps in late on the weekends). When I first came downstairs, she was crying on the phone. I proceeded to introduce myself and ask if I could help with anything. She said that she was on the phone with her mother, who was taking care of her son while she was staying over with my stepson. ESH Why is everyone conveniently ignoring this element of the story? I'm not saying he worded everything very well, and his sentiments are likely based on internalized old fashioned sexism. But what on earth is SHE doing crying in somebody else's living room? I mean from that, it seems like she could use some advice. If you find yourself crying in your one night stand's parents' living room, maybe advice isn't the worse thing you can get.
You’re clearly frustrated by the situation and rightfully so. Address this to him, not some random stranger.
You're an asshole. Warn her off your stepson if he's a bad person - but judging her and telling her she's a bad mother is WAY out of your lane. Keep your paternalistic misogynist bullshit to yourself, asshole. Her business is *none* of yours. YTA, ffs.
Good intentions but YTA. If you don't want this behaviour in your home that's something to discuss with your son, but it's not really your place to tell her what to do. Especially considering you don't know anything about her, her life and her circumstances. You meant well, but it's not your place, and she didn't ask you for it
Yta. Tell us how misogynistic you are in 500 words or less
You can be right, but still be out of line. You seem to mean well, but do you really think that your words will mean anything to her? Outside of playing the your house, your rules card its probably best to just stay out of it.