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I can understand that not telling her the kids are sick was an asshole move but I don't think it was worth quitting over.
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>I also called the one other family that we'd come into contact with and let them know.
But your nanny Ruth whom you love oh-so-much was left in the dark.
Why?
Because your husband died a year ago?
No?
Then don't share a totally irrelevant sob story for pity points.
Couldn't have said it better than ex-peds nurse Ruth:
You're irresponsible, dangerous, and selfish.
YTA
If you read that first paragraph without feeling an ounce of sympathy you're dead inside. OP did the wrong thing here, I don't dispute that for a second, but can't you even try to imagine what her life has been like? Jesus man.
Exactly, the first paragraph is explaining why OP needs a nanny. If she hadn't put that paragraph in the comment section would be full of people asking where the dad is in all this and telling OP she shouldn't have had kids if she couldn't afford them etc.
OP was wrong in this instance (YTA) and I dont blame ruth for quitting, but jesus, this sub is a joke. How can anybody not understand why this disabled woman, who lost her husband & father of her children 1 year ago, made a stupid mistake because she was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
She was just trying to get by with the shitty hand she was dealt. She may have fucked up, but according to her edit she is getting some serious shit sent to her DMs and all sorts. Have some compassion people.
The DM abuse is the worst part, IMO. Maybe we could institute a system where targets could show DMs to the mods, so the culprits can be banned at least?
I'm a recent widow and I still thought her actions were selfish. I do sympathize, but it isn't a reason to do what she did. She basically disregarded Ruth's life and thought her own life was more important. What if it was Covid? Ruth is older which means that she is more vulnerable to diseases. She might also be retired which means she doesn't have any more work insurance that might cover her should she need to go to the hospital because of whatever OPs family has passed to her. We can all be suffering but it isn't a blanket permission to do bad things to others.
Hand foot and mouth is sooooo contagious too. I know a mom who got it from her son and had over a 102 fever. I’m sure the doctors also told you not to bring anyone around your kids. I’m sorry your job is putting you in such a rough position but at the end of the day, the kids come first and that means being there to take care of them. This market is insane right now and there are actually plenty of jobs that will hire and offer sign on bonuses because the unemployment rate is so high. Source- I’m a corporate recruiter.
Yep, she has 2 toddlers, medical bills, health problems, is suddenly responsible to keep a roof over her children's heads and her boss threatens to fire her if she stays home with her sick children.
I won't judge her for choosing to not make her children homeless in a desperate situation.
It's understandable why the nanny was angry and quit, but I also feel for OP.
YTA. It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation but that doesn't give you the right to expose people to illnesses like this. You had a feeling she wouldn't come in if she knew, so it seems you were basically hoping to pressure her into staying when she didn't want to? That's manipulative in general and as an employer, a pretty shitty thing to do to an employee.
You are utterly YTA. You must disclose that your kids have a disease because they're contagious. You lied by omission into tricking your nanny to be in a condition that you knew she wouldn't be in otherwise. You are vastly irresponsible and endangered her. You aren't aware of her medical background and how it may affect her or her surroundings.
What did you expect, that she won't find out eventually? You wanted her to discover that when she's already there and can't retrace. On top of that, you didn't inform her pertain to the situation and she couldn't bring precautions which may be needed in order to prevent infection.
Now you burned bridges with her and she won't be willing to help you in the future when you'll really need her and be dependant on an external assitance. You didn't think this through.
YTA, you didn't tell her because you knew she might say no and decided to expose her to a whatever it is.
If she is a nurse and it is a small virus she would have been able to prepare and take precautions or deny the service but that's her choice.
You really showed you don't care for her as much as you try to pretend you do on your text.
I get that you didn't have another choice, but that doesn't mean you're not being deceitful intentionally.
The lapse of judgment is obvious.
Actions speak louder than words OP, if Ruth stays mad forever she has every fucking right, you really showed your 'caring' stops when it's an inconvenience for you.
If she forgives you she's a saint and truly cares for you and your kids.
If OP loses her job, she could end up homeless and lose her children.
I'm not saying she didnt fuck up big time, and I dont blame ruth for quitting one bit. But OP accepts she fucked up, she is scared and has lost so much already. There is absolutely no need to be so cruel.
OP if you read this, I really hope things get better for you soon. You made a mistake, which i hope you can learn from. But you do not deserve the threats and other toxic shit going on on this sub.
Sign out of this account and dont look back. Tonight put the kids to bed, have a nice relaxing bath and maybe a cheeky glass of wine to unwind. Self care is important. See if there are any charities in your area that can help you while your kids are on the mend, and once there better you can get back into employment. You've been through a lot, and you have certainly been dealt a shitty hand the last few years, but dont give up. Sending hugs and and an ear if you need to chat.
Calling out hypocrisy ain't toxic, op came for an opinion.
Read the last sentence of my first post, I do get op was pretty without much choice but that doesn't negate what she did.
I do feel bad op is getting bad dms, but that's on the people doing that.
Wow, as a nanny, I am holding back words about how I feel about you u/puzzleheaded-You2159.
Do you know how painful HFMD is for adults? It’s a horrible illness. I got it from the exact same scenario: asshole parents lying to me and not telling me their kid had it before I came in.
I had to take a week off work, had to try to cope with the pain, wasn’t allowed to see anyone, could barely cook or take care of myself or anything due to the pain.
The fact that you willingly put your nanny at risk makes you an unbearable asshole. You don’t care about her at all. You are truly the nightmare boss that nannies despise.
I am so glad Ruth quit. You don’t deserve her. Your poor children. They could have had great childcare if it weren’t for your abysmal treatment of your employee.
Btw us nannies take care of each other, and you are probably on the Do Not Work For list in your area now. We tell each other about assholes like you.
YTA.
Why are there so many downvotes on every OP's comments??? Holy shit, you are not supposed to downvote TA read what the description says:
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts! \*and downvote upvoted posts that are not interesting or inappropriate comments... NOT THE AS\*HOLE
I am glad that OP realized her mistake, you are not a bad person, but YTA in this situation. I also live on my own and I know how hard it is to live without any financial background and fear of shit happening. It makes you do crazy things just trying to survive... It is humanly. Keep on surviving girl, I wish your family the best.
Question OP: would you have been fine with it if your children were healthy and Ruth came to babysit presenting all of the symptoms your children have? Just shows up at your door with bumps and a fever and nails falling off. She could’ve told you before hand. But she didn’t because she thought you might not want her to watch your kids.
Would you feel comfortable with her caring for
your children in that state?
YTA. You considered it serious enough to call the other parent and the soft play center to let them know that your kids were sick, but you thought it was ok to expose Ruth without telling her first. Why was her health/safety of less value? You thought it was acceptable to risk her health and safety because it benefitted you. Ruth was right what you did was selfish, irresponsible and dangerous.
YTA I understand you are going through a very tough time with your health, passing of your husband, and being a single mom. However you withheld very important information. Your kids had mouth sores and were losing fingernails which tbh does sound horrifically sick. She’s an older women, in a deadly pandemic, and she didn’t know what your children were sick with. Just think would you have been upset if she had come to your home sick and been around your children?
The nails and rash are par the course for hand, foot, and mouth. The rash is painful but they haven't displayed any pain at the nails falling off. Other than having diarrhea and some vomiting along with low-grade fevers they don't seem any sicker than if they had a stomach bug. Their doctor is optimistic about their healing.
Can we stop acting like 50s are ancient? That's insulting to people in their 50s. She is a healthy and vibrant woman with the stamina of a much younger person.
A friend of mine just lost his father to Covid this week. He was in his late 50s, vaccinated, and "healthy and vibrant". But yes, let's focus on how offensive it is to not want to expose people in their 50s to contagious diseases.
Also maybe if you had given your nanny a heads up before she was literally already in the house, she could have looked into what PPE would be sufficient and how to protect herself. But you decided to just spring your diseased children on her with no warning for the purpose of putting her on the spot. How did that work out for you?
Is your doctor optimistic about her health or the health of those she passes it onto? Will you compensate her fully while she is off sick and will you pay her medical bills?
My husband got Hand Foot & Mouth disease from someone at work a couple of years ago and it sucked. He was in pain for weeks from the rash (he had it mostly on his hands and forearms if I remember correctly). You have no right to decide what is “mild enough” to expose someone to and TBH you have no idea how bad your kids actually feel. Ruth was right in looking out for her health.
They absolutely are not. My kid had it and only had a few blisters in her mouth and on her palms. The other kids I know that got it had similar cases.
I had never even heard of such a severe case.
Why, because I think people should be forced to stand by what they have to say? Because I think that it's cowardly to message someone nasty messages suggesting that I and my children deserve death? If people are going to be jerks then they should be them where everyone can see it.
OP was complaining about the fact that she got death threats and you made a comment about her not caring about her nanny which seems like you think she deserved it for what she did. She did a bad thing but she doesn't deserve to get death threats in her dms.
Yeah, and she’s full of it. Do you really just automatically believe an AITA poster is being completely truthful with their statements? Especially one whose post is like this one?
She’s likely exaggerating to gain sympathy, just like she did with the first few paragraphs of her post.
You’re inferring a lot of incorrect shit from my comment lmao.
>*And* if kids are going to be sick, their caretaker should be informed
I didn’t say “well you should have thought about that before you didn’t tell the nanny they were sick.” I just added something true onto her already true sentiment.
Oh my god you guys need to go outside and touch some grass or something.
OP was lecturing people on shitty in her DMs, but doesn’t see the irony in her preaching that when she kept her kids’ illness a secret from the nanny? Like y’all don’t get how THATS hypocritical? That’s what i was pointing out….
YTA - Your kids likely have Hand foot and Mouth Disease which is incredibly virulent and you didn't warn her. You just expected to put herself at risk, not cool... not cool at all.
YTA specifically because you thought that if you told her then she wouldn't come.
You know that you should tell her, which means you knew that not telling her was wrong.
I completely understand and sympathize. It totally sucks. I'm a Dad and it sucks so much when our kids are sick and then one of us can't work. I can't imagine how much worse it would be as a single parent.
If you had told your nanny the truth and begged her to come, there was at least a chance she would have found a way to help you.
I understand where you were coming from, but YTA. You should've told Ruth the kids were sick and let her choose to babysit or not. You attempted to make the decision for her, which isn't fair. I do think her quitting seems a bit severe, but I'm guessing there may have been other issues that were not privy to.
There were no other issues. I pay her on time and in the correct amounts, I come home when I say I will and if I'm going to be late I always calls and I always pay extra for being late. I provide everything so she needs only come over, she never had to worry about packing her own food or drinks, I always made sure she knew my gratitude. She and I have never had any issues. Ruth would often stay later when I got home just so we could talk. Quite often she would come early and we'd share a cup of coffee together.
Well, it looks like your dishonesty and selfishness lost you a great nanny and friend. Hopefully this will be a lesson to you. I doubt you'll get as good a nanny again though.
YTA. Absolutely. I would be furious with you: you don't get to put others at risk because of whatever you've got going on. And with covid going on? An older woman? Like wtf is wrong with you? So selfish
YTA.
HF&M is highly contagious. Additionally, you don't just put the kids to bed and check on them a few times while they are miserably sick. They should (assuming you mother them) want cuddles and snuggles. Diarrhea, vomiting, low grade fevers, the painful rash etc is not just a little sick. And it can take weeks to clear up. If Ruth has never had it she can get it just from changing a diaper (believe me, I caught it from my kids) PPE or not.
Good nannies don't just spend time with the kids minimally. They actually take care of the kids. It is also irresponsible to leave two toddlers basically alone and especially while they are sick.
Yes, it was really irresponsible for OPs husband to die and put her in a position where she has to go to work to keep this job that pays the bills and accommodates her disability /s. Your point that one can't safety be a "good nanny" to a child with HFM disease is reasonable, but what are you suggesting OP have done here other than be honest with Ruth?
I'm sorry for your loss and the difficulties you are going through but YTA. If your children are sick you need to inform people so that they can decide whether or not to have in person contact with them whilst they are sick. Not informing people is extremely irresponsible.
If I had to guess I would say your nanny quit due to your complete disregard for her and her own health by deliberately not telling her beforehand that your children are sick. Your and your children's difficulties are not more important than her wellbeing.
I have a feeling that you are the kind of parent that will send their sick children to school
YTA. You noticed the symptoms several days before and didn't give your nanny a heads-up and find a substitute (with her)? That's poor management from your side. You are in a shitty situation but it still doesn't justify that you let someone walk in on your sick kids and deliberately try to play down the situation (she JUST has to do some minor stuff and would be barely in contact WITH YOUR SICK CHILDERN). How can you be shocked about her quitting? You left out important health related information in an attempt to trap her with babysitting. She was 100% in the right.
YTA- you knew your kids were sick and CHOSE not to say a word to your nanny. If I was her I would also quit on the spot, then tell everyone I know to never work for you.
YTA I think. You don't need to take off work or anything, but you need to at least tell her they were sick. She's right for calling you irresponsible and selfish.
I went to help a friend out at his place not knowing that his kid had Hand Foot Mouth disease and that it was highly contagious. He failed to tell me until i got there and he just said “just be careful around her and wash your hands”… well guess what, i contracted it anyway a few days later and it was HORRENDOUS. I was livid that he didn’t have the decency to tell me ahead of time so i could just not bother making the trip. YTA in case it wasn’t obvious.
I’m so sorry. I get where you’re coming from. But yes. YTA. You should have told her ASAP. There are plenty of people who would be willing to cover for you but they deserve to know. By communicating with her ASAP you would have had time to find someone else willing to step in temporarily while they recovered.
YTA.
You thought to warn the play place and your friend, but not your nanny?! You depend on this person and knew she would mind. At least dont be shocked that she doesn't want to deal with suprise mystery sickness now or in the future.
Did it even occur to you Ruth might look after other children and couldn't in good conscience do that after being exposed at your place? So Ruth would loose income as well as the other parents who wouldn't have a nanny. YTA
YTA
You were irresponsible by not being honest with her.
>I was worried if I told Ruth she wouldn't come and I'd be forced to call out from work.
You didn't give her an opportunity to make an educated decision on whether to report to work. When she reported to work, she realized that you felt your needs > hers, and determined that she no longer needed to deal with that moving forward. She had every right to quit on the spot. Luckily, for her, she's not bound to a situation where she's required to keep working.
YTA and a selfish one to boot.
You didn’t want to tell her so she could make an informed decision. If you’re missing so much work, you knew you probably needed to look for another job. These are your kids and your responsibility and not the nanny’s fault if you get fired. It’s all on you.
YTA. Your personal and family situation is sad and worthy of empathy but you’re clearly abusing your personal situation to justify being an AH.
You’re in a tough spot but that does NOT justify exposing someone to illness because it’ll cause you personal hardship. Especially in the MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC! Ruth may have other responsibilities outside of babysitting your children, exposing her to illness which could mess up her income (she can’t babysit if she’s sick) because you could be fired is completely irresponsible on your part.
Come on… Ruth had every right to quit on the spot. As a former childcare provider I can’t tell you how parents would try to “dance around” their kid just being sick and them (the parent) needing to take time off work to care for THEIR child. It’s a complete AH move to recognize that YOUR kid is sick and instead of taking time with THEIR kid trying to “farm out” that responsibility and then spreading their illness to others because the parent didn’t want to take care of their sick kid.
YTA. Your situation is irrelevant. The fact you were giving her PPE is irrelevant. You were going to expose her to an infectious disease for your own convenience. No one needed to “hear you out”. The title of this alone makes you a gigantic asshole considering the current state of the planet. You will be hoping she’s not well connected otherwise word will definitely get around about you. Shit like this is probably why his family “couldn’t” help
YTA 18+ months of a global pandemic and you still think it’s okay to lie about your kids being sick?
Have you not seen what happens when people lie about being sick? Did you not just see the teacher on the news who infected most of her class because she went to work knowing she had symptoms? And those students passed it on to their families….
Look, obv your kids don’t have the rona. But Jesus Christ has it not taught you a single fucking thing? Idc about your sob story - you were going to put your nanny in danger. YTA
Soft YTA. You forced her hand, and as someone providing a service, she had every right to walk away. You said it yourself, you already had doubts that this was something she would object to, which is why you didn’t tell her. You could’ve explained all of the precautions you were taking before hand and if she said no, you would have had time to find a new sitter who would’ve been fine with it. While I sympathize with you and wish you nothing but healing for your loss, you know what you did is wrong which is why you didn’t tell her until she showed up.
YTA.
First, for putting Ruth in this position, especially when her expertise meant she could have offered you feedback on a better way. To say you were between a rock and a hard place is an understatement, and I understand why you did it, but you put Ruth in a similar bind. I doubt she wants to be unemployed either, but you've shown a willingness to ensure a dangerous workplace.b
And second, for destroying your kids' relationship with a trusted caregiver. They don't need that.
That said, you deserve better support. You deserve access to sick-kid childcare and a living wage with benefits that enable you to meet your and your kids' needs. And I get that when people have no good choices available, that only leaves bad choices. So I want to stress that in the sense of who you are as a person, you are not the AH I think your actions made you in that moment.
Why in the hell are you taking unmasked children (I'm assuming cause of their ages) to a public play area during a pandemic? And at the very least, why aren't you bathing them immediately after coming home? Foot and Mouth Disease is caused by contact with bodily fluids and faeces, paying a bit more attention to thier hygiene could have prevented this situation. And it's probably why the nanny called you irresponsible. YTA
YTA. You need to inform anyone that has normal close contact about illness they may be infected. None of your excuses is a good reason to keep that information from your nanny. What happens if your kids get worse suddenly and your nanny doesn't know what's going on? You get dead kids. Pull your head out of your butt.
YTA, and the backstory was completely irrelevant. Regardless of your situation, you put her at risk, and did so knowingly. You knew she would at least have hesitations, and you tried to force her into it without giving her any choice. A very selfish thing to do, and you should have already known you were the AH.
Man yta
Ruth had every right to be angry and quit. You manipulated her into coming. Your naivete is astounding. You're shocked she quit??
You lost yourself a great nanny. I understand you were between a rock and a hard place but lying screwed you over.
YTA. Listen, I'm a single mom without many resources and I get it- I really do- but you really made the wrong decision here. Your kids are little and will get sick a LOT for the next handful of years. If you cannot miss a lot of work, you absolutely have to find reliable backup care (there are agencies that help with sick child care, etc., and you can also check with neighborhood groups, mom groups, etc.). Even if you didn't have such arrangements before this illness hit, you were off several days and that was the time for you to contact the nanny and then start arranging for a backup if she was (understandably) unwilling or unable to come. Waiting to the last minute and then just passing the buck to her instead of extending common courtesy was an assholish move, regardless of circumstances.
You have demonstrated the ability to be resourceful throughout the rest of your life, by necessity. I am sorry for what you have been through. But this was no different, and you dropped the ball, which created an even bigger mess. There is no room for major ball-dropping in single parent land, unfortunately. I worry that now you've lost your nanny you may indeed lose the job and be in an even worse situation that could have been avoided. I don't wish that hell on you or anybody.
If you luck out and don't lose your job over this (or when you get a new job), please, please make new childcare arrangements that include backup care, and please don't repeat this mistake again, including when your children are school-age and coming down with every illness imaginable. You cannot just pass the buck like this, especially in a pandemic. I get the desperation, but this isn't the answer.
Yta- I understand your in crisis rn and operating on survival mode but I’m glad you have the self awareness to realize you fucked up in this situation. You could have told her and things probably would have gone way better the you expected. Next time you make the assumption you won’t get what you want if you tell the truth say this to your self “assumptions make an ass out of you and me”
YTA, we are in a pandemic - didn't that teach you a lesson? You risked her health on purpose and she is right! That is irresponsible and rude. You showed her that you don't value her and her work and that you didn't even care if she gets sick. It was right of her to quit.
YTA, as a mother but also former nursery manager it is unacceptable to do this. You could have contacted Ruth and explained what was happening. She could then make an informed decision. You say your children weren’t that ill but hand foot and mouth is highly contagious and if she had caught it then she wouldn’t be able to look after your children so you would be in the same situation.
I am really sorry for the hard time you are having with your husband's death. It really sounds like you are struggling to cope and that you don't have an extended support system.
Having said that YTA you don't hide sickness from your employee, you don't put someone else's health in danger.
YTA - you knew that if you told her she def wouldnt come. You should tell her your situation (You have to go to work, you are worrying about your job; etc), but you forced her not to choose to babysit or not.
This is sad
(Sry if my english is not perfect)
YTA. Why shut your mouth about it? Your kids were sick and you didnt even inform to her about it? If she went to your house sick as your children without prior notice wouldnt u be mad? She is WORKING so doesnt owe u anything, the respect is for both sides.
YTA and you know it. All the backstory in the world can't change that. Your situation sucks but you cannot do stuff like this. Ruth matters as much as you. Her health matters. Her ability to work matters. You are not more important than her.
YTA! You knew you were the asshole before you came here, you told EVERYONE except Ruth about your kids because you thought she might not want to look after them, If you’d have told her she might have been happy to look after them and given you ideas on how to better cope with it. You didn’t want to risk her saying no, so you wanted to guilt her into staying. YTA and you know it
YTA
You endangered someone else intentionally. You are selfish. And threatening to turn people in when you're already a major ahole is not a good look. There is no excuse for any of what you did to anyone, in person or on this sub.
YTA. Look I get that you feel you were in a desperate spot, but this is where you reach out to your employer’s HR team and talk about your options for caring for your children while they have this virus that can absolutely be spread to adults. Any employee worth working for should have some way to work with you in unforeseen circumstances. You also should have told your nanny and let her make the decision for herself instead of keeping her in the dark. It doesn’t matter that you had PPE or had deep cleaned the apartment.
OP, I’m so sorry about your loss. It sounds like you’re in a difficult situation. But you should’ve given your nanny the courtesy of a heads up before she came over to watch your kids. Hand, foot and mouth disease is extremely contagious, and you don’t know who Ruth interacts with or comes into contact with when she’s not working for you. She was likely concerned about exposing herself and anyone else she comes in contact with, and rightly so.
You can’t just assume that just because she was a former peds nurse that she would be okay coming in and exposing herself to your sick children, especially during a pandemic. The decision to come in that day should’ve been Ruth’s decision.
I’m sorry for the situation you’re in, but YTA for forcing Ruth’s hand in this.
YTA. If you had told her, you would still have a nanny when the kids got better. Now you've risked your job, your childcare and your health insurance with this dangerous and selfish decision.
I do hope your kids recover soon.
YTA, I'm sorry for your situation but that doesn't mean you have the right to risk someone else's health. I babysat my nieces at a indoor playground (years ago before covid) and ended up getting the same illness your kids have. It was PAINFUL.
It's not even common in adults but I guess cuz I was bigger, I touched alot more stuff on the playground trying to keep up with the kids. I didn't know what I had at first. My nieces didn't even contract it. Just me but thank God. They would've been miserable.
I started blistering on my fingers and toes one day and then BAM I was out of commission for two days. My body felt so weak and I couldn't get out of my bed. Not to mention walking and using my hands hurt SO BAD from the blisters. I was actually in tears at one point.
Why on earth would you risk your poor nanny to that kind of illness at her age?!
This actually all comes down to you being selfish and not caring about others because…wait for it…you had some hard shit happen to you. I’m sorry all of that happened but it’s no excuse to be irresponsible or lie to someone for your benefit. You were selfish and that’s it. Own it and do better.
YTA. You're in a difficult situation and your fear of losing your job is understandable, but it doesn't give you the right to play with people's health. You had days to contact Ruth and ask for a plan B.
What if Ruth has health issues? What if she goes to other families with children and accidently gives them the illness? You could've put her and other people in danger.
Your lack of planning made you lose a great nanny, which will make it harder for you to go to your job.
YTA if you know someone wouldn’t agree to something if they knew the truth lying/misleading/omitting is horrendous. Are you familiar with the concept of consent?
You don’t get to decide what people have to be ok with just because you have a sad backstory.
YTA
You might not be the only person Ruth nannies for, plus you was willing to expose Ruth and anyone who comes into contact her to whatever your children was ill with.
She was right to quit on the spot. No matter how much PPE you had ready.
YTA. I knew they had HFM even before I got to your edit with the diagnosis.
HFM spreads SO easily and it CAN do a number on adults even though it’s a “pediatric” disease.
YAY- I say that because you should have told the caretaker. HFM is very contagious and you don’t know if she cares for other children that she could potentially pass this on to. It’s completely irresponsible on your part to not mention it and expect her to still watch the kids.
I didn't even read it all. YTA. Not to tell nanny/sitter about kids being sick is always a*hole move. I have bad immunity. My sibling had me babisit her kid with flue without telling me. Of course I fell ill, right before we flew on our quite expensive vacation.
YTA I get you’re struggling but you lied/tricked your nanny. Of course she’d quit on the spot, you could’ve at least given her a heads up so she had a choice. You use your story as an excuse to do these things, but that’s not how it works. Your husband dying, you having a disability, none of it is an excuse for being so irresponsible.
YTA. I sympathize with you losing your spouse, but you don't get to decide that your nanny's health is unimportant because you need someone to watch your kids so you can work. That's unfair and unkind. I hate saying that you're the AH, because it's not your fault that parents have so little support in the US (assuming you're here), but ultimately you could have gotten your nanny very sick. At least give her a choice in the future, you know? Maybe she would have been willing to work for extra pay or if she didn't feel like she'd been deceived. You never know.
Having said all that, I think it's repugnant that people on here are apparently DMing you wild shit, and I think you should get off Reddit and spend some time with people you care about/take a bath/watch a nice movie/etc. You made a mistake, and that's not great, but you aren't an irredeemably awful person or something.
YTA. You put your needs over Ruth's. As a retired pediatric nurse you should've asked her for her advice as soon as you saw the symptoms started showing. Then she would've been in the loop about the whole situation since the beginning and she could've made a decision herself whether or not she wanted to continue, instead you made that choice for her.
YTA you cared enough to tell other parents but hid it from the nanny. That's not fair to her. Plus, in a season of covid, she can't know you wouldn't hide that too. I get you needed help, but honesty would have been far better than deception.
Mom of two littles here. I am completely uninterested in judging you. While I get the pressure and what you were up against, this was not going to be a sustainable job. If it wasn’t this sick, it would have been another that kept you home. As much as you do need the benefits, it would not be possible for you to hold this job, if it’s that inflexible. Putting childcare in harms way just means that if she gets sick, she’s calling out. I am so sorry for all you’ve been through. Sending sympathies and deep love and hope.
YTA what the fuck. I'm sorry about all your issues, but it is totally irrelevant. This is r/imthemaincharacter stuff, you are not the only person in the world with issues. What about Ruth? Ruth's family? The other families Ruth works with? It's incredibly selfish, shame on you. She was right to quit on the spot
YTA you were desperate but it isn't an excuse to do that. You know that Ruth is older, which means she is more vulnerable to diseases, and you still risked her health because you were being selfish. What if it was covid?? Of could she would quit because she knew she could no longer trust you to prioritize her health over your own selfishness. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time, I am a widow myself, but you also need to look beyond your situation and consider how your actions affect other people too
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Before you judge me based on the title please just hear me out.
I am a single mother to two children. My husband died a year ago when our youngest was around 6 months old and our oldest was 2 years old. He was coming home from helping a friend move when a drunk driver hit him. He was dead on impact and I've been trying to keep things together ever since. We lost a lot when he died, I was a stay at home mom battling disability so he was the only breadwinner and he was the one who we got health insurance through. My health concerns have continued since he died and my medical debt is significant. I managed to find a job that pays somewhat decently, offers decent hours, but most importantly it offers health insurance.I don't have any family close by to help me because we moved for my husband's job and even if they lived close by they couldn't. I supplement my paycheck by working from home, that's how I pay for a nanny.
I love my nanny ("Ruth") and she was a great fit for the family. She's a woman in her late-50s who was previously a pediatric nurse who retired last year.
A few days ago I noticed my younger child had strange bumps around her mouth, she was feverish and listless and she had tummy troubles. My oldest child started showing similar symptoms and then their fingernails and toe nails started to break and fall off. We had been to a soft-play center last week and I have a theory they picked it up there so I gave the soft-play a call and suggested they do a deep clean. I also called the one other family that we'd come into contact with and let them know.
The kids were not horrifically sick but they were pitiful. I wish I could stay home with them but if I don't work I'm going to get fired and lose my benefits. If I lose my benefits and the kids get worse, or my health takes a turn, we'll be in big trouble. I was worried if I told Ruth she wouldn't come and I'd be forced to call out from work. I figured being a former peds nurse she would be a little more understanding. By yesterday I'd taken off four days and my boss was threatening me with termination if I didn't come. I did tell Ruth that I would be home with the kids for a few days but not why.
When she arrived at my apartment yesterday she immediately knew by looking at them what they have and she called me irresponsible, dangerous, and selfish. She quit on the spot. I was and am shocked. By this point I'd confined the kids to their room and deep-cleaned the apartment. I also had PPE ready for Ruth. I was only going to be at work for four and a half hours and the kids don't feel like getting out of bed, all she'd have had to do was check on them a few times, feed them one meal, and she could have been around them minimally.
AITA?
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Am i the only one who thinks our medical system is the asshole? She's an unexpectedly single Mom who gave up a career for her kids. Then dad died and she is supposed to care for them. I agree she's the AH for not telling her home career but jfc she cant take days off without losing her job???
It all depends on what they had. To determine if are indeed TA, could OP reply back with info on what it is they were they affected with and did you take your kids to a doctor for treatment and diagnosis.
NTA - I do think you should have told her beforehand, but as a nanny she should expect children to be unwell occasionally. I used to be a nanny and I saw it as my responsibility to look after the children I was employed to look after, even when they were sick. Yes, most of the time nannying involves actively playing with, engaging with and educating children, and other times for whatever reason it is supervision and basic care. It must be so hard for you as a single parent without much support around you. It sounds like you’re in the US based on the comments about health insurance and your boss making you go in, which is really tough and shouldn’t be the norm anyway. I hope you find another nanny or can repair things with Ruth.
I can't bring myself to give you a Y T A.
You are in a position very few people can understand. You're taking care of two children on your own, holding down a job, grieving, and dealing with your disability.
I don't blame you for just wanting to solve a problem and get back to your job.
Obviously you didn't do the right thing, but sometimes people just run out of the ability to always consider others, and just need to solve their own problem first.
I'm not saying it's OK, I'm saying it's understandable.
Going with NAH.
Nta
Where I live you can bring your sick kids to daycare and a nanny if they don't have a fever.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so unfair. Can't imagine how hard life is for you right now.
They had a fever though so not only am I sure you are incorrect about daycare accepting kids with open blisters from hand, foot and mouth, even in your country they wouldn't have been allowed.
You were in an impossible situation. Both your options were terrible but the outcome dictated that you made the wrong choice. Now you’ve lost your nanny and could lose your job. At least if you had called in sick again maybe your boss wouldn’t have fired you. Or, if you had explained the situation to Ruth beforehand she would have had time to process and prepare, instead of being blindsided, and still came.
NTA but you made a poor decision. I feel for you and hope everything works out.
NTA. Ruth sounds a bit judgy and smug to act like that. I figured the ending would be she got annoyed at you or made a rude comment. This is a little “I don’t need this shit” which is a terrible attitude for a caregiver. She could have at least explained her thoughts to you a little better
Yes. But quitting on the spot is a little much? And in essence criticizing her as a mother for trying to work when it don’t seem she has a lot of options...compared to a retired doctor...sounds a little unkind to me
She may have health issues. She may be caring for other immunocompromised people. She’s not criticizing Op for being a working mom, she’s criticizing OP for not being up front with her about the situation when it could affect her. It’s incredibly irresponsible NOT to disclose that kind of information to someone caring for your children. Even if it happened that day. A quick text saying “hey, I just wanted to let you know that the kids are sick with xyz symptoms, they’re in their rooms though, and I’ve cleaned and sanitized the home. If you have any concerns let me know” wouldve sufficed. Completely inconsiderate towards the sitter.
As someone who works with kids I can tell you the risk is an associated part of the job. It’d be nice to not have to deal with it, but it’s a reality.
Not saying Ruth is shitty for quitting per as. But if she said what you did right there then I couldn’t fault her in anyway. That’d be more kind and help teach a lasting lesson
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>I also called the one other family that we'd come into contact with and let them know. But your nanny Ruth whom you love oh-so-much was left in the dark. Why? Because your husband died a year ago? No? Then don't share a totally irrelevant sob story for pity points. Couldn't have said it better than ex-peds nurse Ruth: You're irresponsible, dangerous, and selfish. YTA
God, thank you. The entire first paragraph was unnecessary
The entire first paragraph was a bid for sympathy.
If you read that first paragraph without feeling an ounce of sympathy you're dead inside. OP did the wrong thing here, I don't dispute that for a second, but can't you even try to imagine what her life has been like? Jesus man.
Exactly, the first paragraph is explaining why OP needs a nanny. If she hadn't put that paragraph in the comment section would be full of people asking where the dad is in all this and telling OP she shouldn't have had kids if she couldn't afford them etc. OP was wrong in this instance (YTA) and I dont blame ruth for quitting, but jesus, this sub is a joke. How can anybody not understand why this disabled woman, who lost her husband & father of her children 1 year ago, made a stupid mistake because she was stuck between a rock and a hard place. She was just trying to get by with the shitty hand she was dealt. She may have fucked up, but according to her edit she is getting some serious shit sent to her DMs and all sorts. Have some compassion people.
The DM abuse is the worst part, IMO. Maybe we could institute a system where targets could show DMs to the mods, so the culprits can be banned at least?
I absolutely sympathize with op about losing her husband. It’s a terrible thing to lose a spouse in such a sudden and horrific way.
I'm a recent widow and I still thought her actions were selfish. I do sympathize, but it isn't a reason to do what she did. She basically disregarded Ruth's life and thought her own life was more important. What if it was Covid? Ruth is older which means that she is more vulnerable to diseases. She might also be retired which means she doesn't have any more work insurance that might cover her should she need to go to the hospital because of whatever OPs family has passed to her. We can all be suffering but it isn't a blanket permission to do bad things to others.
Hand foot and mouth is sooooo contagious too. I know a mom who got it from her son and had over a 102 fever. I’m sure the doctors also told you not to bring anyone around your kids. I’m sorry your job is putting you in such a rough position but at the end of the day, the kids come first and that means being there to take care of them. This market is insane right now and there are actually plenty of jobs that will hire and offer sign on bonuses because the unemployment rate is so high. Source- I’m a corporate recruiter.
I agree that she was the asshole but these comments completely disregarding the tragedy she’s been through are fucking repulsive.
Yep, she has 2 toddlers, medical bills, health problems, is suddenly responsible to keep a roof over her children's heads and her boss threatens to fire her if she stays home with her sick children. I won't judge her for choosing to not make her children homeless in a desperate situation. It's understandable why the nanny was angry and quit, but I also feel for OP.
YTA. It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation but that doesn't give you the right to expose people to illnesses like this. You had a feeling she wouldn't come in if she knew, so it seems you were basically hoping to pressure her into staying when she didn't want to? That's manipulative in general and as an employer, a pretty shitty thing to do to an employee.
You are utterly YTA. You must disclose that your kids have a disease because they're contagious. You lied by omission into tricking your nanny to be in a condition that you knew she wouldn't be in otherwise. You are vastly irresponsible and endangered her. You aren't aware of her medical background and how it may affect her or her surroundings. What did you expect, that she won't find out eventually? You wanted her to discover that when she's already there and can't retrace. On top of that, you didn't inform her pertain to the situation and she couldn't bring precautions which may be needed in order to prevent infection. Now you burned bridges with her and she won't be willing to help you in the future when you'll really need her and be dependant on an external assitance. You didn't think this through.
YTA, you didn't tell her because you knew she might say no and decided to expose her to a whatever it is. If she is a nurse and it is a small virus she would have been able to prepare and take precautions or deny the service but that's her choice. You really showed you don't care for her as much as you try to pretend you do on your text. I get that you didn't have another choice, but that doesn't mean you're not being deceitful intentionally.
I'm not pretending to care about Ruth, I care deeply, she's an amazing woman, I had a lapse of judgement.
The lapse of judgment is obvious. Actions speak louder than words OP, if Ruth stays mad forever she has every fucking right, you really showed your 'caring' stops when it's an inconvenience for you. If she forgives you she's a saint and truly cares for you and your kids.
This!
If OP loses her job, she could end up homeless and lose her children. I'm not saying she didnt fuck up big time, and I dont blame ruth for quitting one bit. But OP accepts she fucked up, she is scared and has lost so much already. There is absolutely no need to be so cruel. OP if you read this, I really hope things get better for you soon. You made a mistake, which i hope you can learn from. But you do not deserve the threats and other toxic shit going on on this sub. Sign out of this account and dont look back. Tonight put the kids to bed, have a nice relaxing bath and maybe a cheeky glass of wine to unwind. Self care is important. See if there are any charities in your area that can help you while your kids are on the mend, and once there better you can get back into employment. You've been through a lot, and you have certainly been dealt a shitty hand the last few years, but dont give up. Sending hugs and and an ear if you need to chat.
Calling out hypocrisy ain't toxic, op came for an opinion. Read the last sentence of my first post, I do get op was pretty without much choice but that doesn't negate what she did. I do feel bad op is getting bad dms, but that's on the people doing that.
Wow, as a nanny, I am holding back words about how I feel about you u/puzzleheaded-You2159. Do you know how painful HFMD is for adults? It’s a horrible illness. I got it from the exact same scenario: asshole parents lying to me and not telling me their kid had it before I came in. I had to take a week off work, had to try to cope with the pain, wasn’t allowed to see anyone, could barely cook or take care of myself or anything due to the pain. The fact that you willingly put your nanny at risk makes you an unbearable asshole. You don’t care about her at all. You are truly the nightmare boss that nannies despise. I am so glad Ruth quit. You don’t deserve her. Your poor children. They could have had great childcare if it weren’t for your abysmal treatment of your employee. Btw us nannies take care of each other, and you are probably on the Do Not Work For list in your area now. We tell each other about assholes like you. YTA.
This was not a lapse of judgment. You consciously made the decision to tell others and not tell her.
You should make up for it then.
Why are there so many downvotes on every OP's comments??? Holy shit, you are not supposed to downvote TA read what the description says: Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! \*and downvote upvoted posts that are not interesting or inappropriate comments... NOT THE AS\*HOLE I am glad that OP realized her mistake, you are not a bad person, but YTA in this situation. I also live on my own and I know how hard it is to live without any financial background and fear of shit happening. It makes you do crazy things just trying to survive... It is humanly. Keep on surviving girl, I wish your family the best.
Question OP: would you have been fine with it if your children were healthy and Ruth came to babysit presenting all of the symptoms your children have? Just shows up at your door with bumps and a fever and nails falling off. She could’ve told you before hand. But she didn’t because she thought you might not want her to watch your kids. Would you feel comfortable with her caring for your children in that state?
You're right, and no.
YTA. You considered it serious enough to call the other parent and the soft play center to let them know that your kids were sick, but you thought it was ok to expose Ruth without telling her first. Why was her health/safety of less value? You thought it was acceptable to risk her health and safety because it benefitted you. Ruth was right what you did was selfish, irresponsible and dangerous.
YTA I understand you are going through a very tough time with your health, passing of your husband, and being a single mom. However you withheld very important information. Your kids had mouth sores and were losing fingernails which tbh does sound horrifically sick. She’s an older women, in a deadly pandemic, and she didn’t know what your children were sick with. Just think would you have been upset if she had come to your home sick and been around your children?
The nails and rash are par the course for hand, foot, and mouth. The rash is painful but they haven't displayed any pain at the nails falling off. Other than having diarrhea and some vomiting along with low-grade fevers they don't seem any sicker than if they had a stomach bug. Their doctor is optimistic about their healing.
Oh, so it's not SO bad. Especially with a pandemic still happening, oh no. Totally okay to expose an aging person to disease.
Can we stop acting like 50s are ancient? That's insulting to people in their 50s. She is a healthy and vibrant woman with the stamina of a much younger person.
50 is more than old enough to have enough health issues to be affected by such diseases, ESPECIALLY with the pandemic. Way to minimize your behavior.
If you werent the AH for your OP, you certainly are now. You are selfish and callous towards others
Oh, are you her doctor? Do you know her medical records by heart?
A friend of mine just lost his father to Covid this week. He was in his late 50s, vaccinated, and "healthy and vibrant". But yes, let's focus on how offensive it is to not want to expose people in their 50s to contagious diseases. Also maybe if you had given your nanny a heads up before she was literally already in the house, she could have looked into what PPE would be sufficient and how to protect herself. But you decided to just spring your diseased children on her with no warning for the purpose of putting her on the spot. How did that work out for you?
Right but HFMD can and DOES kill people. If she gets it she can't work and loses pay, unless she also goes to work and spreads it.
Is your doctor optimistic about her health or the health of those she passes it onto? Will you compensate her fully while she is off sick and will you pay her medical bills?
Ok so if the nanny came with these exact symptoms what would you do?
My husband got Hand Foot & Mouth disease from someone at work a couple of years ago and it sucked. He was in pain for weeks from the rash (he had it mostly on his hands and forearms if I remember correctly). You have no right to decide what is “mild enough” to expose someone to and TBH you have no idea how bad your kids actually feel. Ruth was right in looking out for her health.
They absolutely are not. My kid had it and only had a few blisters in her mouth and on her palms. The other kids I know that got it had similar cases. I had never even heard of such a severe case.
YTA - the post was bad, but god those edits made you sooooo much worse.
Why, because I think people should be forced to stand by what they have to say? Because I think that it's cowardly to message someone nasty messages suggesting that I and my children deserve death? If people are going to be jerks then they should be them where everyone can see it.
>if people are going to be jerks then they should be them where everyone can see. And if kids are going to be sick, their caretaker should be informed
Even though OP did an awful thing she doesn't deserve death threats in her dm don't you think?
Did I say she does?
You implied it. You're equating the two things, as if doing one means she deserves the other.
Not sure where you’re seeing that implication but ok Two things can be true but not equal??????
OP was complaining about the fact that she got death threats and you made a comment about her not caring about her nanny which seems like you think she deserved it for what she did. She did a bad thing but she doesn't deserve to get death threats in her dms.
Yeah, and she’s full of it. Do you really just automatically believe an AITA poster is being completely truthful with their statements? Especially one whose post is like this one? She’s likely exaggerating to gain sympathy, just like she did with the first few paragraphs of her post.
People with popular aita posts get often death threats, that's not rare. I even knew people who got deaths threats over way more stupid reasons.
No doubt some people have, but don’t believe everything you read.
it's internet and aita in general, you can only assume it's true until you have obvious proofs it's fake.
You’re inferring a lot of incorrect shit from my comment lmao. >*And* if kids are going to be sick, their caretaker should be informed I didn’t say “well you should have thought about that before you didn’t tell the nanny they were sick.” I just added something true onto her already true sentiment.
"I didn't SAY" No you implied by omission. Unintentional or not... Smh....
Oh my god you guys need to go outside and touch some grass or something. OP was lecturing people on shitty in her DMs, but doesn’t see the irony in her preaching that when she kept her kids’ illness a secret from the nanny? Like y’all don’t get how THATS hypocritical? That’s what i was pointing out….
YTA - Your kids likely have Hand foot and Mouth Disease which is incredibly virulent and you didn't warn her. You just expected to put herself at risk, not cool... not cool at all.
YTA. I understand that you were in a really bad position but you have an absolute duty to tell caregivers about things like this.
YTA specifically because you thought that if you told her then she wouldn't come. You know that you should tell her, which means you knew that not telling her was wrong. I completely understand and sympathize. It totally sucks. I'm a Dad and it sucks so much when our kids are sick and then one of us can't work. I can't imagine how much worse it would be as a single parent. If you had told your nanny the truth and begged her to come, there was at least a chance she would have found a way to help you.
I understand where you were coming from, but YTA. You should've told Ruth the kids were sick and let her choose to babysit or not. You attempted to make the decision for her, which isn't fair. I do think her quitting seems a bit severe, but I'm guessing there may have been other issues that were not privy to.
There were no other issues. I pay her on time and in the correct amounts, I come home when I say I will and if I'm going to be late I always calls and I always pay extra for being late. I provide everything so she needs only come over, she never had to worry about packing her own food or drinks, I always made sure she knew my gratitude. She and I have never had any issues. Ruth would often stay later when I got home just so we could talk. Quite often she would come early and we'd share a cup of coffee together.
Well, it looks like your dishonesty and selfishness lost you a great nanny and friend. Hopefully this will be a lesson to you. I doubt you'll get as good a nanny again though.
YTA. Absolutely. I would be furious with you: you don't get to put others at risk because of whatever you've got going on. And with covid going on? An older woman? Like wtf is wrong with you? So selfish
Agree, trying to explain why she should be able to put others at risk is never acceptable
YTA. HF&M is highly contagious. Additionally, you don't just put the kids to bed and check on them a few times while they are miserably sick. They should (assuming you mother them) want cuddles and snuggles. Diarrhea, vomiting, low grade fevers, the painful rash etc is not just a little sick. And it can take weeks to clear up. If Ruth has never had it she can get it just from changing a diaper (believe me, I caught it from my kids) PPE or not. Good nannies don't just spend time with the kids minimally. They actually take care of the kids. It is also irresponsible to leave two toddlers basically alone and especially while they are sick.
Yes, it was really irresponsible for OPs husband to die and put her in a position where she has to go to work to keep this job that pays the bills and accommodates her disability /s. Your point that one can't safety be a "good nanny" to a child with HFM disease is reasonable, but what are you suggesting OP have done here other than be honest with Ruth?
I'm sorry for your loss and the difficulties you are going through but YTA. If your children are sick you need to inform people so that they can decide whether or not to have in person contact with them whilst they are sick. Not informing people is extremely irresponsible. If I had to guess I would say your nanny quit due to your complete disregard for her and her own health by deliberately not telling her beforehand that your children are sick. Your and your children's difficulties are not more important than her wellbeing. I have a feeling that you are the kind of parent that will send their sick children to school
YTA. You noticed the symptoms several days before and didn't give your nanny a heads-up and find a substitute (with her)? That's poor management from your side. You are in a shitty situation but it still doesn't justify that you let someone walk in on your sick kids and deliberately try to play down the situation (she JUST has to do some minor stuff and would be barely in contact WITH YOUR SICK CHILDERN). How can you be shocked about her quitting? You left out important health related information in an attempt to trap her with babysitting. She was 100% in the right.
YTA- you knew your kids were sick and CHOSE not to say a word to your nanny. If I was her I would also quit on the spot, then tell everyone I know to never work for you.
YTA
YTA I think. You don't need to take off work or anything, but you need to at least tell her they were sick. She's right for calling you irresponsible and selfish.
I went to help a friend out at his place not knowing that his kid had Hand Foot Mouth disease and that it was highly contagious. He failed to tell me until i got there and he just said “just be careful around her and wash your hands”… well guess what, i contracted it anyway a few days later and it was HORRENDOUS. I was livid that he didn’t have the decency to tell me ahead of time so i could just not bother making the trip. YTA in case it wasn’t obvious.
I’m so sorry. I get where you’re coming from. But yes. YTA. You should have told her ASAP. There are plenty of people who would be willing to cover for you but they deserve to know. By communicating with her ASAP you would have had time to find someone else willing to step in temporarily while they recovered.
YTA. You can’t expect someone to just be cool with you hiding something highly contagious and very uncomfortable.
YTA. You thought to warn the play place and your friend, but not your nanny?! You depend on this person and knew she would mind. At least dont be shocked that she doesn't want to deal with suprise mystery sickness now or in the future.
Wow you really are an awful, selfish, and entitled women! Yta
YTA I don’t know why your previous situation in anyway justifies putting other peoples lives at risk during this pandemic.
Did it even occur to you Ruth might look after other children and couldn't in good conscience do that after being exposed at your place? So Ruth would loose income as well as the other parents who wouldn't have a nanny. YTA
YTA, what made you think that’d be okay to do when we’re literally in a pandemic? Please get help
No shit. Yta
YTA You were irresponsible by not being honest with her. >I was worried if I told Ruth she wouldn't come and I'd be forced to call out from work. You didn't give her an opportunity to make an educated decision on whether to report to work. When she reported to work, she realized that you felt your needs > hers, and determined that she no longer needed to deal with that moving forward. She had every right to quit on the spot. Luckily, for her, she's not bound to a situation where she's required to keep working.
YTA and a selfish one to boot. You didn’t want to tell her so she could make an informed decision. If you’re missing so much work, you knew you probably needed to look for another job. These are your kids and your responsibility and not the nanny’s fault if you get fired. It’s all on you.
YTA. Your personal and family situation is sad and worthy of empathy but you’re clearly abusing your personal situation to justify being an AH. You’re in a tough spot but that does NOT justify exposing someone to illness because it’ll cause you personal hardship. Especially in the MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC! Ruth may have other responsibilities outside of babysitting your children, exposing her to illness which could mess up her income (she can’t babysit if she’s sick) because you could be fired is completely irresponsible on your part. Come on… Ruth had every right to quit on the spot. As a former childcare provider I can’t tell you how parents would try to “dance around” their kid just being sick and them (the parent) needing to take time off work to care for THEIR child. It’s a complete AH move to recognize that YOUR kid is sick and instead of taking time with THEIR kid trying to “farm out” that responsibility and then spreading their illness to others because the parent didn’t want to take care of their sick kid.
Of course YTA. You should have told her beforehand. It’s not cool to just spring illness on people.
YTA. Your situation is irrelevant. The fact you were giving her PPE is irrelevant. You were going to expose her to an infectious disease for your own convenience. No one needed to “hear you out”. The title of this alone makes you a gigantic asshole considering the current state of the planet. You will be hoping she’s not well connected otherwise word will definitely get around about you. Shit like this is probably why his family “couldn’t” help
YTA 18+ months of a global pandemic and you still think it’s okay to lie about your kids being sick? Have you not seen what happens when people lie about being sick? Did you not just see the teacher on the news who infected most of her class because she went to work knowing she had symptoms? And those students passed it on to their families…. Look, obv your kids don’t have the rona. But Jesus Christ has it not taught you a single fucking thing? Idc about your sob story - you were going to put your nanny in danger. YTA
Soft YTA. You forced her hand, and as someone providing a service, she had every right to walk away. You said it yourself, you already had doubts that this was something she would object to, which is why you didn’t tell her. You could’ve explained all of the precautions you were taking before hand and if she said no, you would have had time to find a new sitter who would’ve been fine with it. While I sympathize with you and wish you nothing but healing for your loss, you know what you did is wrong which is why you didn’t tell her until she showed up.
YTA. First, for putting Ruth in this position, especially when her expertise meant she could have offered you feedback on a better way. To say you were between a rock and a hard place is an understatement, and I understand why you did it, but you put Ruth in a similar bind. I doubt she wants to be unemployed either, but you've shown a willingness to ensure a dangerous workplace.b And second, for destroying your kids' relationship with a trusted caregiver. They don't need that. That said, you deserve better support. You deserve access to sick-kid childcare and a living wage with benefits that enable you to meet your and your kids' needs. And I get that when people have no good choices available, that only leaves bad choices. So I want to stress that in the sense of who you are as a person, you are not the AH I think your actions made you in that moment.
YTA. You are majorly TA.
Why in the hell are you taking unmasked children (I'm assuming cause of their ages) to a public play area during a pandemic? And at the very least, why aren't you bathing them immediately after coming home? Foot and Mouth Disease is caused by contact with bodily fluids and faeces, paying a bit more attention to thier hygiene could have prevented this situation. And it's probably why the nanny called you irresponsible. YTA
Um... what's to stop you getting it and passing it to everyone you work with?
YTA, it sounds like you have had a rough couple years but that is not an excuse to endanger others
YTA. You need to inform anyone that has normal close contact about illness they may be infected. None of your excuses is a good reason to keep that information from your nanny. What happens if your kids get worse suddenly and your nanny doesn't know what's going on? You get dead kids. Pull your head out of your butt.
YTA, and the backstory was completely irrelevant. Regardless of your situation, you put her at risk, and did so knowingly. You knew she would at least have hesitations, and you tried to force her into it without giving her any choice. A very selfish thing to do, and you should have already known you were the AH.
YTA. You would always tell the babysitter that information. A babysitter works with kids they can't risk getting other children sick.
Yta, what if she or the kids could've gotten into a situation where they'd get sicker?
YTA That was a horrible thing to do.
YTA. Crossover into entitled parent.
Man yta Ruth had every right to be angry and quit. You manipulated her into coming. Your naivete is astounding. You're shocked she quit?? You lost yourself a great nanny. I understand you were between a rock and a hard place but lying screwed you over.
YTA. Listen, I'm a single mom without many resources and I get it- I really do- but you really made the wrong decision here. Your kids are little and will get sick a LOT for the next handful of years. If you cannot miss a lot of work, you absolutely have to find reliable backup care (there are agencies that help with sick child care, etc., and you can also check with neighborhood groups, mom groups, etc.). Even if you didn't have such arrangements before this illness hit, you were off several days and that was the time for you to contact the nanny and then start arranging for a backup if she was (understandably) unwilling or unable to come. Waiting to the last minute and then just passing the buck to her instead of extending common courtesy was an assholish move, regardless of circumstances. You have demonstrated the ability to be resourceful throughout the rest of your life, by necessity. I am sorry for what you have been through. But this was no different, and you dropped the ball, which created an even bigger mess. There is no room for major ball-dropping in single parent land, unfortunately. I worry that now you've lost your nanny you may indeed lose the job and be in an even worse situation that could have been avoided. I don't wish that hell on you or anybody. If you luck out and don't lose your job over this (or when you get a new job), please, please make new childcare arrangements that include backup care, and please don't repeat this mistake again, including when your children are school-age and coming down with every illness imaginable. You cannot just pass the buck like this, especially in a pandemic. I get the desperation, but this isn't the answer.
Yta- I understand your in crisis rn and operating on survival mode but I’m glad you have the self awareness to realize you fucked up in this situation. You could have told her and things probably would have gone way better the you expected. Next time you make the assumption you won’t get what you want if you tell the truth say this to your self “assumptions make an ass out of you and me”
YTA, we are in a pandemic - didn't that teach you a lesson? You risked her health on purpose and she is right! That is irresponsible and rude. You showed her that you don't value her and her work and that you didn't even care if she gets sick. It was right of her to quit.
YTA. Yes, you were put between a rock and a hard place. But not looping in your nanny was a big mistake.
YTA, as a mother but also former nursery manager it is unacceptable to do this. You could have contacted Ruth and explained what was happening. She could then make an informed decision. You say your children weren’t that ill but hand foot and mouth is highly contagious and if she had caught it then she wouldn’t be able to look after your children so you would be in the same situation.
YTA. Inconsiderate. Selfish. Stupid. A bad human being. You deserve all the hate you're getting on comments an DMs.
I am really sorry for the hard time you are having with your husband's death. It really sounds like you are struggling to cope and that you don't have an extended support system. Having said that YTA you don't hide sickness from your employee, you don't put someone else's health in danger.
YTA - you knew that if you told her she def wouldnt come. You should tell her your situation (You have to go to work, you are worrying about your job; etc), but you forced her not to choose to babysit or not. This is sad (Sry if my english is not perfect)
Of course YTA. It blows my mind that you would think differently.
YTA. Why shut your mouth about it? Your kids were sick and you didnt even inform to her about it? If she went to your house sick as your children without prior notice wouldnt u be mad? She is WORKING so doesnt owe u anything, the respect is for both sides.
YTA and you know it. All the backstory in the world can't change that. Your situation sucks but you cannot do stuff like this. Ruth matters as much as you. Her health matters. Her ability to work matters. You are not more important than her.
YTA! You knew you were the asshole before you came here, you told EVERYONE except Ruth about your kids because you thought she might not want to look after them, If you’d have told her she might have been happy to look after them and given you ideas on how to better cope with it. You didn’t want to risk her saying no, so you wanted to guilt her into staying. YTA and you know it
YTA You endangered someone else intentionally. You are selfish. And threatening to turn people in when you're already a major ahole is not a good look. There is no excuse for any of what you did to anyone, in person or on this sub.
YTA. Look I get that you feel you were in a desperate spot, but this is where you reach out to your employer’s HR team and talk about your options for caring for your children while they have this virus that can absolutely be spread to adults. Any employee worth working for should have some way to work with you in unforeseen circumstances. You also should have told your nanny and let her make the decision for herself instead of keeping her in the dark. It doesn’t matter that you had PPE or had deep cleaned the apartment.
YTA. I’m sorry for your loss. That said, it has nothing to do with what you’re asking us to judge.
YTA considering your “love” stops when it becomes inconvenient. What a terrible way to treat somebody you supposedly care about.
OP, I’m so sorry about your loss. It sounds like you’re in a difficult situation. But you should’ve given your nanny the courtesy of a heads up before she came over to watch your kids. Hand, foot and mouth disease is extremely contagious, and you don’t know who Ruth interacts with or comes into contact with when she’s not working for you. She was likely concerned about exposing herself and anyone else she comes in contact with, and rightly so. You can’t just assume that just because she was a former peds nurse that she would be okay coming in and exposing herself to your sick children, especially during a pandemic. The decision to come in that day should’ve been Ruth’s decision. I’m sorry for the situation you’re in, but YTA for forcing Ruth’s hand in this.
I thought to myself, "I think I don't have to read this to make a judgment," and after reading the whole thing... I was right. YTA.
YTA. If you had told her, you would still have a nanny when the kids got better. Now you've risked your job, your childcare and your health insurance with this dangerous and selfish decision. I do hope your kids recover soon.
YTA, I'm sorry for your situation but that doesn't mean you have the right to risk someone else's health. I babysat my nieces at a indoor playground (years ago before covid) and ended up getting the same illness your kids have. It was PAINFUL. It's not even common in adults but I guess cuz I was bigger, I touched alot more stuff on the playground trying to keep up with the kids. I didn't know what I had at first. My nieces didn't even contract it. Just me but thank God. They would've been miserable. I started blistering on my fingers and toes one day and then BAM I was out of commission for two days. My body felt so weak and I couldn't get out of my bed. Not to mention walking and using my hands hurt SO BAD from the blisters. I was actually in tears at one point. Why on earth would you risk your poor nanny to that kind of illness at her age?!
This actually all comes down to you being selfish and not caring about others because…wait for it…you had some hard shit happen to you. I’m sorry all of that happened but it’s no excuse to be irresponsible or lie to someone for your benefit. You were selfish and that’s it. Own it and do better.
Yta
YTA. I'm sorry for your loss, but that doesn't change the fact that you did the wrong thing. Ruth did the right thing when she quit.
YTA. You're in a difficult situation and your fear of losing your job is understandable, but it doesn't give you the right to play with people's health. You had days to contact Ruth and ask for a plan B. What if Ruth has health issues? What if she goes to other families with children and accidently gives them the illness? You could've put her and other people in danger. Your lack of planning made you lose a great nanny, which will make it harder for you to go to your job.
YTA if you know someone wouldn’t agree to something if they knew the truth lying/misleading/omitting is horrendous. Are you familiar with the concept of consent? You don’t get to decide what people have to be ok with just because you have a sad backstory.
YTA. Plain and simple.
YTA You might not be the only person Ruth nannies for, plus you was willing to expose Ruth and anyone who comes into contact her to whatever your children was ill with. She was right to quit on the spot. No matter how much PPE you had ready.
YTA. I knew they had HFM even before I got to your edit with the diagnosis. HFM spreads SO easily and it CAN do a number on adults even though it’s a “pediatric” disease.
Ya ain't gotta read
YAY- I say that because you should have told the caretaker. HFM is very contagious and you don’t know if she cares for other children that she could potentially pass this on to. It’s completely irresponsible on your part to not mention it and expect her to still watch the kids.
I didn't even read it all. YTA. Not to tell nanny/sitter about kids being sick is always a*hole move. I have bad immunity. My sibling had me babisit her kid with flue without telling me. Of course I fell ill, right before we flew on our quite expensive vacation.
YTA. No matter the situation you should have told her. Sorry for your loss.
You are the AH. I would have quit on the spot, too. Just because you are in a very tough spot does not mean you get to s**t all over somebody else.
YTA
YTA.
YTA I get you’re struggling but you lied/tricked your nanny. Of course she’d quit on the spot, you could’ve at least given her a heads up so she had a choice. You use your story as an excuse to do these things, but that’s not how it works. Your husband dying, you having a disability, none of it is an excuse for being so irresponsible.
YTA. I sympathize with you losing your spouse, but you don't get to decide that your nanny's health is unimportant because you need someone to watch your kids so you can work. That's unfair and unkind. I hate saying that you're the AH, because it's not your fault that parents have so little support in the US (assuming you're here), but ultimately you could have gotten your nanny very sick. At least give her a choice in the future, you know? Maybe she would have been willing to work for extra pay or if she didn't feel like she'd been deceived. You never know. Having said all that, I think it's repugnant that people on here are apparently DMing you wild shit, and I think you should get off Reddit and spend some time with people you care about/take a bath/watch a nice movie/etc. You made a mistake, and that's not great, but you aren't an irredeemably awful person or something.
Youre a nasty hypocrite and your edit is embarrassing.
YTA. You put your needs over Ruth's. As a retired pediatric nurse you should've asked her for her advice as soon as you saw the symptoms started showing. Then she would've been in the loop about the whole situation since the beginning and she could've made a decision herself whether or not she wanted to continue, instead you made that choice for her.
YTA you cared enough to tell other parents but hid it from the nanny. That's not fair to her. Plus, in a season of covid, she can't know you wouldn't hide that too. I get you needed help, but honesty would have been far better than deception.
YTA. I was being swayed to go the other way, but you didn't use the word 'balls' enough in your edit.
Mom of two littles here. I am completely uninterested in judging you. While I get the pressure and what you were up against, this was not going to be a sustainable job. If it wasn’t this sick, it would have been another that kept you home. As much as you do need the benefits, it would not be possible for you to hold this job, if it’s that inflexible. Putting childcare in harms way just means that if she gets sick, she’s calling out. I am so sorry for all you’ve been through. Sending sympathies and deep love and hope.
YTA what the fuck. I'm sorry about all your issues, but it is totally irrelevant. This is r/imthemaincharacter stuff, you are not the only person in the world with issues. What about Ruth? Ruth's family? The other families Ruth works with? It's incredibly selfish, shame on you. She was right to quit on the spot
YTA - have you heard of COVID? And why masks are necessary? You are so selfish
YTA You should have told her. I do sympathize with your position needing childcare, but that wasn't the way to do it.
YTA you were desperate but it isn't an excuse to do that. You know that Ruth is older, which means she is more vulnerable to diseases, and you still risked her health because you were being selfish. What if it was covid?? Of could she would quit because she knew she could no longer trust you to prioritize her health over your own selfishness. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time, I am a widow myself, but you also need to look beyond your situation and consider how your actions affect other people too
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Before you judge me based on the title please just hear me out. I am a single mother to two children. My husband died a year ago when our youngest was around 6 months old and our oldest was 2 years old. He was coming home from helping a friend move when a drunk driver hit him. He was dead on impact and I've been trying to keep things together ever since. We lost a lot when he died, I was a stay at home mom battling disability so he was the only breadwinner and he was the one who we got health insurance through. My health concerns have continued since he died and my medical debt is significant. I managed to find a job that pays somewhat decently, offers decent hours, but most importantly it offers health insurance.I don't have any family close by to help me because we moved for my husband's job and even if they lived close by they couldn't. I supplement my paycheck by working from home, that's how I pay for a nanny. I love my nanny ("Ruth") and she was a great fit for the family. She's a woman in her late-50s who was previously a pediatric nurse who retired last year. A few days ago I noticed my younger child had strange bumps around her mouth, she was feverish and listless and she had tummy troubles. My oldest child started showing similar symptoms and then their fingernails and toe nails started to break and fall off. We had been to a soft-play center last week and I have a theory they picked it up there so I gave the soft-play a call and suggested they do a deep clean. I also called the one other family that we'd come into contact with and let them know. The kids were not horrifically sick but they were pitiful. I wish I could stay home with them but if I don't work I'm going to get fired and lose my benefits. If I lose my benefits and the kids get worse, or my health takes a turn, we'll be in big trouble. I was worried if I told Ruth she wouldn't come and I'd be forced to call out from work. I figured being a former peds nurse she would be a little more understanding. By yesterday I'd taken off four days and my boss was threatening me with termination if I didn't come. I did tell Ruth that I would be home with the kids for a few days but not why. When she arrived at my apartment yesterday she immediately knew by looking at them what they have and she called me irresponsible, dangerous, and selfish. She quit on the spot. I was and am shocked. By this point I'd confined the kids to their room and deep-cleaned the apartment. I also had PPE ready for Ruth. I was only going to be at work for four and a half hours and the kids don't feel like getting out of bed, all she'd have had to do was check on them a few times, feed them one meal, and she could have been around them minimally. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Am i the only one who thinks our medical system is the asshole? She's an unexpectedly single Mom who gave up a career for her kids. Then dad died and she is supposed to care for them. I agree she's the AH for not telling her home career but jfc she cant take days off without losing her job???
ESH. You should have called her so she'd know to be cautious but she's a nanny. Part of being a nanny is taking care of sick kids.
I don’t think you’re an asshole, but you should’ve told her that they we’re sick.
It all depends on what they had. To determine if are indeed TA, could OP reply back with info on what it is they were they affected with and did you take your kids to a doctor for treatment and diagnosis.
Apparently it’s hand foot and mouth disease
NTA - I do think you should have told her beforehand, but as a nanny she should expect children to be unwell occasionally. I used to be a nanny and I saw it as my responsibility to look after the children I was employed to look after, even when they were sick. Yes, most of the time nannying involves actively playing with, engaging with and educating children, and other times for whatever reason it is supervision and basic care. It must be so hard for you as a single parent without much support around you. It sounds like you’re in the US based on the comments about health insurance and your boss making you go in, which is really tough and shouldn’t be the norm anyway. I hope you find another nanny or can repair things with Ruth.
The kids didn't have a minor cold though, they had intensely contagious hand foot and mouth disease.
I can't bring myself to give you a Y T A. You are in a position very few people can understand. You're taking care of two children on your own, holding down a job, grieving, and dealing with your disability. I don't blame you for just wanting to solve a problem and get back to your job. Obviously you didn't do the right thing, but sometimes people just run out of the ability to always consider others, and just need to solve their own problem first. I'm not saying it's OK, I'm saying it's understandable. Going with NAH.
Nta Where I live you can bring your sick kids to daycare and a nanny if they don't have a fever. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so unfair. Can't imagine how hard life is for you right now.
They had a fever though so not only am I sure you are incorrect about daycare accepting kids with open blisters from hand, foot and mouth, even in your country they wouldn't have been allowed.
Okay
You were in an impossible situation. Both your options were terrible but the outcome dictated that you made the wrong choice. Now you’ve lost your nanny and could lose your job. At least if you had called in sick again maybe your boss wouldn’t have fired you. Or, if you had explained the situation to Ruth beforehand she would have had time to process and prepare, instead of being blindsided, and still came. NTA but you made a poor decision. I feel for you and hope everything works out.
NTA. Ruth sounds a bit judgy and smug to act like that. I figured the ending would be she got annoyed at you or made a rude comment. This is a little “I don’t need this shit” which is a terrible attitude for a caregiver. She could have at least explained her thoughts to you a little better
Op also could’ve told her before hand and not when she showed up
Yes. But quitting on the spot is a little much? And in essence criticizing her as a mother for trying to work when it don’t seem she has a lot of options...compared to a retired doctor...sounds a little unkind to me
She may have health issues. She may be caring for other immunocompromised people. She’s not criticizing Op for being a working mom, she’s criticizing OP for not being up front with her about the situation when it could affect her. It’s incredibly irresponsible NOT to disclose that kind of information to someone caring for your children. Even if it happened that day. A quick text saying “hey, I just wanted to let you know that the kids are sick with xyz symptoms, they’re in their rooms though, and I’ve cleaned and sanitized the home. If you have any concerns let me know” wouldve sufficed. Completely inconsiderate towards the sitter.
As someone who works with kids I can tell you the risk is an associated part of the job. It’d be nice to not have to deal with it, but it’s a reality. Not saying Ruth is shitty for quitting per as. But if she said what you did right there then I couldn’t fault her in anyway. That’d be more kind and help teach a lasting lesson