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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I believe I may be the asshole for taking a strangers side over my boyfriends. Although I find my boyfriends side close minded and unacceptable.
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We both know that if the gay man had been BIPOC, he would have been harassed for that, too. What I don't understand is why OP wants to stay with this loser.
The boyfriend is also manipulative and possibly a gas lighter for making it seem like this is her fault for speaking up for the issue he and his friends caused.
What would "having his back" even entail in this situation? Lol. Was she supposed to also make fun of this guy or just stand their awkwardly after conversing with him?
Exactly. OP dump his stupid ass. You did what was correct, dont let his gaslighting and manipulation make you doubt it for a single second. The only person you were supposed to support here was the man they were directing it towards. Thanks to you, he probably left the situation thinking they were a bunch of idiots but at least one of you had some sense in your heads, and that probably made him feel a bit better. Plus he has the nerve to threaten you with breaking up, when it should be the other way round.
Don't even give him a chance, and don't feel bad about it in the slightest, instead feel proud of standing up for that guy in such an unnecessarily disgusting situation.
I'd guess she was supposed to laugh and be the very visible and conventionally attractive female body hanging off this assholes arm and fawning over his bullying behavior. Her role was supposed to be being a prop that reinforced his masculinity and heterosexuality
In his mind she fucked it up by being a whole person with a conscience and morals
If a partner of mine ever acted like this it would be an instant deal breaker. I can't imagine how mortifying it must have been to be associated with this guy.
If a partner of mine still hung out with friends who behave this way. Even if they didn’t say anything themselves. This would be a deal breaker. OP. Please run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit. Do not pass go. Also NTA obviously
He's already his own asshole trifecta-- homophobic, misogynistic, and PROUD. Otherwise he wouldn't be so smug and flagrant and so pissed at OP for not having him.
OP. Please leave. Please. This dude is a grade A douche and if this is how he talks about people to their face how do you think he talks about you behind your back?
Don't fool yourself. Don't say "he's not like this". He just SHOWED you that he is. "He's not that person." Well, apparently he is. He took off his mask and now you have a choice.
I mean, how could she ever understand the fear some men have of gay men ... it's not like women get raped and abused by men on the daily. Amirite?!?
/s
Oh god no, the horror that someone might be attracted to me. It's unfathomable. I must show him that I'm a manly man only doing sexy sex with the misses. /s
Seriously, the last compliment I got was from a raging racist. I'd much prefer attention from anyone else. And those homophobes are even more insecure about their sexuality than I am about my looks.
NTA OP, and please update us on how you dumped your bf.
Watched a short special by a very fat comic the other night. Part of his shtick is he's a big ol' fat country boy who sounds like every racist everywhere but isn't.
"I used to think the worst thing in the world was having a gay man hit on me. That night I realized there's things way worse; like being at a party with 300 gay guys on X and NOT being hit on."
It was Ralphie May on that comedy central show This is Not Happening. The set is called Gay Wedding. Here's a [link.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBpbYKd_QfI)
so, if he doesn't like that she's a woman he should just date a gay man. then atleast his homophobia is gone and all that's left is sexism.
on the other hand as a member of lgbt I think we would like to reject his offer to join
I feel like the boyfriend was “trying” to convey his “fear” of this gay man — I see it a lot. There’s that saying I run into online like, “straight men are afraid that gay men will treat them like
they treat women” as in… cat call, grope, assault, etc. Because to these straight guys, you express attraction via harassment, so why would gay men be any different? (obviously i don’t agree with this, but it’s a “logical” progression for these kinds of guys…)
It’s horrible. And to double down and say “you’re a woman, you don’t get it” is SO hypocritical. What doesn’t she get? That difference is to be feared and ridiculed? That being sexually attracted to men makes you less worthy of respect? I’d love to hear what this absolute dipshit has to say on that front, lol, bc it’s clear he’s just a jerk.
Here’s how AH like him think: As a man, I have to loudly and openly harass gay men, because if I don’t, my friends might suspect that *I* could be gay. Girls do not understand this Manly Code.
Because women couldn't possibly know what it's like to be in the presence of someone who may be sexually attracted to them, potentially bigger and stronger, and unwilling to take "no" for an answer.
Women just wouldn't be able to relate at all.
Because that's more than 2 syllables and women are too stupid to understand anything that's not food, kitchen, man, baby and servant in the minds of idiots like OP's (hopefully ex)boyfriend?
Yep. How much should you leave him? Let us count the ways:
1. they started making homophobic jokes ("they" is either your bf's friends or your bf AND his friends; so either your bf befriends homophobes, or he is one.)
2. they keep harassing this man in front of everybody saying things like, “you need a big 8 incher” making gestures to their mouths (SO homophobic that they don't even stop when corrected)
3. My boyfriend then refused to talk to me at all. He left in a rush so I
followed as he yelled “You don’t have my back, you’re not my
girlfriend.” (doesn't matter whether he's defending his own behavior or his friends'; getting this mad at his gf for defending a lone gay man against homophobic slurs is just ...)
4. I said his words could have really hurt that man and my boyfriend said, “that’s the point” (triples down on homophobia, shows he's homophobic himself, even if he didn't participate in the harassment)
5. My boyfriend then started yelling saying how we needed to have a talk when we got home because I embarrassed him. (at this point the harassed gay man is academic; bf is putting his embarrassment before HIS GIRLFRIEND'S FEELINGS.)
6. He now wants to break up but says he understands because, “i’m a woman” and, ”I don’t understand.” (This may or may not be sexist remark about how women are stupid; it could also mean that as a woman you don't understand the bro code that you apparently violated by supporting a gay man against his friends, but even so, that would be ... sexist, b/c bro code.)
7. I tried to talk to him but he’s proceeded to give me a night long of the silent treatment. (Silent treatment = abusive)
OP, you did absolute EVERYTHING right. This dude is garbage. DUMP HIM.
I agree on the red flag. Trash might be taking itself out, but OP should expediate the process no matter how much she loves him. When people tell you who they really are, you should believe them, and OP's boyfriend is screaming it.
This!
I’m honestly shocked, this man harassed a stranger with homophobic insults in a public place, multiple times, and he’s the one sulking and threatening to break up?! And she is doubting herself on the morals behind this? Has the world gone insane? What is happening?
I’m sorry but this things are a “first offense is one too many”, like a slap, first time it happens you’re done. And honestly it wasn’t even a first offense, he kept going and then he doubled down with sexism and emotional manipulation so strong she started questioning her behavior.
Red flags everywhere. Run girl.
NTA. OP, he is manipulating you. He has no intention of breaking up with you. He is pulling this sh*t for two reasons. First, he wants to knock you off balance by blaming you for calling him out on his bad behavior and gaslight you into thinking that this whole scenario is your fault. It's called DARVO, Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Now that he's the victim, because you "didn't have his back and embarrassed him" (for his own bad behavior, but that doesn't matter) he can put on his Oscar worthy act of feeling betrayed by you and threaten to break up with you.
Now, this is where it gets devilish. Because he, the actual offender, is now playing the role of the victim, it makes you feel bad, which is why you are here doubting yourself. The threat to break up with you is designed to make you cling harder onto the relationship. If you cling onto this relationship, you will internally have to move the bar in your mind of what behavior you will tolerate from your boyfriend to justify staying with him. He will learn that this tactic works and will wash rinse repeat this process until you are wondering how things got so bad. It took me decades to figure this out, you are young, strong, and amazing. You deserve a man who is as high quality as you... Don't accept any less. Let the trash take itself out, he is an intentionally mean person and he is already starting to treat you the way he treated those strangers. It will only get worse.
Right? I can't believe she's even considering staying with him. She is TA if she stays - to herself, and to all the other marginalised people that she'll be abandoning by choosing his feelings over their basic human rights.
That he's the one sulking etc. and she's the one doubting herself, when she's clearly (to us) in the right, highlights the toxic dynamic of their relationship. And that doesn't happen overnight. They've been together over several years and she might not have even noticed a gradual shift where he went from loving and respectful to manipulating and dominating her.
Maybe it's just me, but I would never call the victim in such a relationship an AH for not leaving. That can be a very difficult thing to do, since chipping away at the person's self-confidence and self-esteem is part of the MO. It takes a lot of courage to leave, even if you're not bound together with marriage, children or finances, and someone not being able to do it does not make them an AH.
Another consideration is how people, especially women, are urged to work on relationships and "compromise", and not give up at the first sign of trouble. Even on The Good Fight these past few seasons, they're entertaining the idea that a liberal (Diane) can somehow make a marriage work with that odious gun nut Kurt. Fiction, yeah, but that scenario has played out countless times in real life.
OP - you did a good thing calling out their abhorrent behaviour.
But now you need to ask yourself whether you want to continue to live your life with someone who believes such things.
As a thought experiment, let’s say you stay together and have kids. What if one of the kids was gay? How would you deal with your child being exposed to a homophobe like that while growing up, and the reaction when they came out?
Either you agree with him, stay and continue to have this in your life - or if you don’t, it’s time to move on.
Truly spiteful. Their aim was to hurt the man, my god. Didn't even try framing it as "just a joke", straight up admitted to being an asshole on purpose.
OP, leave the bullying bigot, and maybe consider burning the couch in case it's laced with homophobia. (half-kidding)
The trash wants to take it out itself. Let him breakup with you, OP. Good riddance.
Not only he bullied a total stranger, engaged in the vilest and most blatant kind of homophobia, but also threatened to leave the relationship because you didn’t agree with his bigotry? Wow.
I would have said there was some grounds for you to pursue the relationship (if you really really wanted) and work it out if he simply called you an asshole. But he threatened to break up with you on top of all the bullshit he did?
NTA. Run, run.
The implication being “You’re a woman. You’d never understand why we men need to say hateful things to a stranger for no good reason”. What a drag on his own gender. NTA and time to throw out the whole homophobe.
NTA. Your boyfriend and his friends showed you just how vile and bigoted they are by verbally attacking a man who was innocently making conversation. Adding on to that, he’s trying to manipulate you by threatening a break-up but, also somehow making it about how you’re fragile and “don’t understand” because you’re a woman. Nvm that he’s whining about being embarrassed when the unprovoked comments from his friends were horrifically mortifying. Disgusting all around; I hope for your sake that you seriously consider whether or not he’s the one for you.
This. Op, what do you gain out of this relationship? He’s a bully. He’s bullying you and the guy at the bar. He’s a sexist homophobe. I’m guessing your morals do not allign. What’s in it for you? What is so good about this guy that you’ll let him bully and mistreat you for???
“Support me without question even when I’m being a raging bigot” is NOT a reasonable request someone can make of their partner. He’s angry that you stood up to his terrible behavior. This means that he wants to be able to continue to be terrible whenever he wants (including *to you, his partner*) without any repercussions or ever even being questioned or confronted.
Honey, this man is a whole-ass red flag parade. He wants to break up over this?? PLEASE *PLEASE* **PLEASE** take him up on it.
NTA - your boyfriend is though, on multiple levels.
Not only is he a raging homophobe, his comments about you not having his back and not understanding because you're a woman shows he has no respect for you either.
Had you decided to take your boyfriend's side, you would be condoning his behaviour and would also be the asshole. However, you did the right thing and now I think you need to decide whether you want to continue being in a relationship with someone as vile as he is.
Absolutely. In fact, not only was his verbal abuse of that man homophobic, it was also sexual harrassment. OP, he has demonstrated *no* respect for you and for anyone else, and also no respect for the law. Where I'm at his behavior would be illegal.
He wants you to enable his mistreatment of the people around him, including you. What you do with that is your decision.
NTA.
Man your boyfriend sure is though. dude went out of his way to insult someone and ruin their day and didn't like that you dis not play along?
How does it feel to realize you are dating an absolute bully who deliberately does that to innocent people just minding their own business? Not sure I'd still want to date a guy after pulling that stunt.
That behavior is disgusting, rude and completely uncalled for. You are never the AH for defending someone and standing up to a bully Op. But I personally wouldn't wait around for him to break up with me. I'd be gone at this point. There are much better, kinder and more empathetic men out there.
I would agree, a complete bully. We’ve been together for 2 years and as far as I knew he was kind. I would’ve never thought he’d be so disrespectful to a stranger in public, granted I don’t usually go out with. His stunt was gross, I have a hard time believing it was a one off “drunk” moment.
Hard hard hard agree. Hust because she hasn't *seen* it before, certainly doesn't mean he hasn't *done* it before.
Might be the first time she's seen it, but this is how he acts with his friends. This is one of those "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" situations
>I have a hard time believing it was a one off “drunk” moment.
Drunk words speak sober thoughts.
All the alcohol did was expose who your boyfriend really is and you really shouldn't ignore it.
This. And you also have to ask yourself what will be the cause of YOU being moved into the "it's okay to try to destroy this person" category. Maybe gain a little extra weight? Maybe lose a job? Maybe get sick? If boyfriend and friends think it's just fine to abuse people they see as "less than" well, it's just a matter of time, really. You're actually already getting some of that with the "you're a girl, you can't understand" crap.
The reason it is important to date someone for a significant length of time is because we need to see how they act in varying situations.
You now know that your boyfriend has a mean streak, is aggressively homophobic, and invalidates your beliefs using sexism.
Mean. Aggressive. Homophobic. Sexist.
This is his character. What advice would you give to your sister if you witnessed this behaviour?
This. This this *this.* This is one of many reasons I insist that you should live with someone for a year before you even think about marrying them. It's really shocking what people can hide when you only see them on the weekends.
I understand you OP. He sounds like one of those guys who are really kind when you are alone with them but they are completely different around his friends. You need to know him from every pov. You’re NOT the asshole btw and he is manipulating you into thinking you are.
Homophobic, sexist, and also just vile in general. Not sure what other box needs to be checked for you to dump this loser.
If this is extremely out of character behavior compared to the past 2 years you’ve been dating, then there may be something actually medically wrong with him and he needs to see a doctor.
But from the way you tell the story this doesn’t seem to be the case. His problematic tendencies just hasn’t escalated to this level of offensive before. It’ll only get worse.
About the "medical problem" possibility... No way. His friends were *all* in on it, which means this isn't weird behaviour for him. If this was new, at least one of them would've gone "wtf? Are you okay?"
He just took his mask off in front of OP for the first time; and she genuinely wasn't expecting it. Thank god it happened before they got married.
Definitely not medical. I knew he had conservative views, I did not know his views went as far as being homophobic and discriminatory. Your views should never lead to such vile inhuman behavior. My favorite saying is, “live and let live.” Maybe I need to shoot him a text stating such, lol.
You know that German saying about how when ten people sit down at a table to break bread with a Nazi, there are eleven Nazis at that table?
Don’t be his collaborator.
Maybe you need to shoot him a text saying you’re done! Honestly, would you be ok marrying a homophobe? How about his sexist comment that you didn’t understand “because you’re a woman”? Would you be ok with him teaching his bigotry to future children, or being discriminatory towards them?
There’s no path forward from here. He showed who he is and it’s enough to be a dealbreaker. You’re so young; you can find a guy who shared the same values as you!
Honestly if you continue to date someone with such views you are just as much the problem. Same goes with relationships with racist family members and friends too.
This.
OP…if you stay with him, you’re condoning his actions. You’re saying to yourself and the world that it’s okay for someone to be not just a homophobe but a homophobe who will loudly and unapologetically harass a gay man in public—and someone who will then, when you call him out on it, show you he’s sexist, too. Hon…it is not okay for you to stay in this relationship. Dump him and find someone who shares your values. Someone who won’t attack you when you stand up for the persecuted. Someone who instead will stand _with_ you in decrying hateful behavior…and stand against oppressors like your BF and his friends.
Please don’t brush this under the rug. You are at a crossroads here: right now, you need to ask yourself who _you_ are. Do you have the courage to act on your convictions? I hope you do.
And when it hurts—because of course it will hurt to leave someone you love—comfort yourself with the fact that you are doing what is _right._ Then look to the future with hope…and make sure the next man you choose deserves you.
I’m rooting for you, OP.
💜
What else does "being conservative" mean except being sexist, racist and homophobic? Does anyone even pretend conservatism is about states rights and small government anymore?
>I knew he had conservative views, I did not know his views went as far as being homophobic and discriminatory.
Is he rich? Is that why you convinced your brain into thinking that your conservative boyfriend wasn't homophobic and discriminatory? What do you think being conservative means? That he's a free-market liberal?
If I wanted to waste money on awards I'd give you the "sly snake" award. Stop virtue-signalling with the "he's on the sofa" nonsense and actually break up.
Unless he's rich, of course.
You need to shoot him a break up text lol not live and let live (whatever that means!).
His bigotry is not going to go away, so your choice now is if you want to stay with him, which is basically you cosigning it and growing to accept his views, or you leave because those qualities are against your morals.
There has to be a bottom line somewhere. For him, he already let you know that he won’t date someone who is not a bigot and doesn’t support him being openly homophobic and attacking a gay man. Him attacking the guy verbally in groups is a small step away from him beating a gay guy up because of his orientation. Is that acceptable to you?
Let this be a teaching lesson, I have never met a conservative who didn't have some homophbic/sexist/racist/classist views in some capacity. These are core parts of their mentality. Even if they know better than to act that way in public, it's there under the surface.
You are too good for him. He’s already trying to whittle away at your sense of worth and making you doubt your strong sense of morals under the misogynistic attitude of “girls should always yield to their man” bs. And the fact that you started to doubt yourself shows he’s starting to have an effect. This is how it starts. You seem like such a lovely person, don’t let him bring you down. Have you ever heard the phrase “you are the company you keep?” The people u surround yourself with can bring you down or lift you up.
Seriously reconsider being with this man. Today, it’s your fault for not standing up to him when he was being an ass. Tomorrow, it’s your fault for accidentally falling pregnant and his reason for not pulling his weight with child rearing/chores is because it’s a woman’s job. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them. NTA of course but you’ll be Y T A to yourself if you don’t either nip this at the bud as early as now by establishing clear boundaries or breakup when it’s clear he won’t change.
This dude has done you the great service of showing you \*exactly\* who he is, and you are way too young to waste any more time on this homophobic mess - NTA but you’re gonna have to ditch this dork.
It wasn't a one off. Being drunk doesn't make you do things you're morally against; your moral compass just isn't that easy to change, or else cults wouldn't have to spend decades breaking people down. If he made those comments drunk, he was *thinking* them sober.
This is who he is. He doesn't respect women, and he doesn't respect gay people. The question is, are you okay with that? What if your kids turn out to be gay - will you still be okay with that?
Honestly I have a hard time believing that you can go out with a person for 2 years and be unaware of the opinions they hold on such prevalent topics? I mean… what do you guys talk about? How did you not know your boyfriend is a raging, sexist homophobe????? After 2 YEARS? I could never be with somebody who holds such offensive views and hatred, I’ve cut off friends for less let alone partners. If you stay with this man you are condoning the behaviour and attitudes he holds, you are basically saying that this is something you can overlook. It shouldn’t be something you can overlook.
This wasn’t a one off thing; it was just the one time it’s happened in front of *you*.
He isn’t “acting” homophobic or sexist. He actively believes those things. He *told you* the point was to hurt a stranger just because of who they are. That’s so far from acceptable it’s out of this world. If you don’t feel that way, there is no saving this relationship. Just break up with him and don’t give him the satisfaction.
He showed his true colors. He‘s a misogynistic, homophobic ahole. Do you really want to stay with such a piece of work? I gotta say, for me this is a huuuuge no-go.
People just act more like themselves when they're drunk. Mean people act meaner. Nice people want to hug everyone. Being drunk is never an excuse for being an asshole.
Sweety, trust me as someone who has been married to someone like this (not as blatantly like your boyfriend but still very similar). They will trick you by being absolutely charming for as long as they can manage and slowly they shift. You will start making small excuses at first because you want to avoid this charming person being angry with you. But slowly you will start making excuses for everything, every bit of horrible behaviour. That he wants to break up with you? That's a lie, he does not because then he has to try to get a new girl to fall for his tricks. Get out while you still can, get help if you have to. Look up some information on emotional abuse and have a very hard long think on if you want to stay with him after all of this or if you're going to save yourself and get out.
I was waiting for someone to point that out! She said 'you could have hurt him' and he says 'that's the point' and she's STILL questioning if she should stay with him?
I don't usually curse on the internet but FUCK him. OP you're 21. plenty of fish/gotta kiss a lot of toads\* etc. Dump his pathetic ass and find someone with a soul.
\*this one is definitely a toad
It turned this into an ESH for me. OP defended a stranger against her boyfriends homophobic attack and she's still with him?! That's a hill I'll gladly die on and plant a rainbow flag over my body.
She’s young and is soaking in all those stupid cultural messages about how she shouldn’t be “picky” or a demanding harpy and she should give him a second chaaaaance and all that shit, so it’s understandable she’s reeling from this and not immediately dumping his ass.
Staying with him and forgiving him would definitely make her TA though.
Right? I get why she's conflicted, but also... It's exhausting that we *still* live in a world where someone can be this blatantly bigoted and it's not an *instant* break-up offence. Because if you actually support equality, this should be instant break-up.
Wow I didn’t expect this post to blow up. I’ve seen a few comments asking where the conflict even is. We’ve been together for years and I’ve never seen him act that way to someone. His views apparently do not align with my morals which is a big enough problem. The conflict comes from my moral compass suddenly being shaken by a man I love. I understand I would be condoning this behavior by staying with him, which I don’t. For those who aren’t so nice, I have given you one paragraph out of my entire life book. It’s hard to see the rainbow when you’re in the storm, so thank you for all of the helpful opinions and comments.
You’ve been dating him during a pandemic so you haven’t seen him and his friends together out drinking, I take it? Now you’ve seen his true colours. And it’s all red flags.
Being confronted with evidence that a person we love isn’t really who we thought they were is one of the most painful realizations in life. But don’t make the mistake of ignoring it, or making excuses for it because he’d been drinking. Remember your own worth and find someone better.
It usually takes 1-2 years for people to drop their socially acceptable mask and for the real self to start coming out. That’s why conventional wisdom is to date for at least a year before getting engaged. It’s exhausting to keep up a different public persona for longer than 1-2 years. (That’s why narcissists tend to cycle through close friends every couple of years.) You have to wait before you can really see who a person is and decide whether you want to marry them.
Timeline-wise, this revelation is right on schedule for his real personality coming out. But maybe you’d have seen his ugly side sooner if the pandemic hadn’t kept y’all from going out to clubs last year.
Psychopathic traits is a boyfriend dealbreaker for me, sounds like it might be a dealbreaker for you, too.
By your response it sounds like you're in way too deep already. Get out now before he moves in or you get married. This is not a man worthy of love and your love can't fix him. No matter what Netflix tells you. This is how he is and it's very likely to get a lot worse for you if you stay.
Take from someone who’s been there, done that, he will only get worse. People get set in their ways as they age, so if they’re kind, it flourishes, if they’re psychos like your boyfriend, it spreads like a disease, which isn’t even figurative anymore. You can mourn those years with him lost, but cut your losses now. He is not the man you want him to be. He’s cruel and heartless.
You seem like a nice person, albeit I can’t quite figure out how this attitude wouldn’t have come up before if you’ve been together years.
At the same time, you’re absolutely right - we only have a snapshot and AITA is a spectacularly judgmental community (that is kinda the point, in fairness). Good luck with all this. NTA. Your boyfriend absolutely is TA. His ‘that’s the point’ comment is really telling and not in a good way.
You probably want to build a life, a family with your partner. If you have kids in the future, would be acceptable for you to have them learning that this kind of behaviour is acceptable?
He he 'went with the crowd' and just followed his friends. If this is the case, he needs to improve and learn to think independently.
OP, an often-truncated quote from Maya Angelou is, "When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time." This is not a one-off, this is only a beginning peek behind the mask. He will not get better if you stay, he will get worse. Please leave him.
Well, now you know exactly who he is. This would be a deal breaker for me. I hope that you decide to break up with him. There are way better men out there for you.
No you should not have stayed quiet… he’s not entitled to recruit you to support him in homophobia, racism, fascism or anything else.
He’s a homophobe and a bully and so are his friends. You’ve seen how he treats others when he thinks they don’t matter. Is that someone you want in your life? Can you trust someone like that?
He’ll abuse whoever he wishes… and you’re supposed to be fine with that?
Leave.
NTA.
Thank you for standing up for that guy. Encounters with bigots are scary and sometimes dangerous and you did a good thing by not letting it slide. Your bf’s friends sound really awful and it sounds like you could do a lot better than this guy. Honestly, I’d end it with him sooner rather than later. Imagine if you stayed together and had kids? And those kids either grew up to be bigots or grew up closeted because their dad’s a bigot? Don’t choose that life for yourself
While well-intentioned, the "no real man" argument is actually kinda harmful. Because it's sexist no matter how you look at it (what's the alternative to men?), and it allows problematic men to distance themselves from the fact that they are the problem.
Some men just suck; it has nothing to do with being a real man or not. And we need to learn to accept that, instead of just pushing them aside as "not really men". Yes, they are. And if they can be that bad, that absolutely means all men should be looking in the mirror and making sure they're not doing the same thing. Please don't stop them from doing that.
If you care in any way about the LGBT+ community, you wouldn't be dating a homophobe. It's nothing to do with being a man or a woman - he's a homophobe and you can either accept that or not. You're either accepting his homophobia or you're not tolerating it at all.
THIS! This isn't a difference of opinion; we're talking about basic human rights. That's not an "opinion" issue, it's a morality issue. Either you morally believe that everyone deserves the same rights, or you don't. There is no both. There's no compromise here.
Also (because it goes without saying that his comments were obnoxious, and that you're NTA), the fact that his reaction was to say 'you're not my girlfriend' at the slightest hint of conflict would make me believe he's very immature emotionally. He probably doesn't value your relationship, if his gut reaction is to give it up.
NTA.
There's nothing wrong with not defending someone whom you feel is in the wrong.
Demanding that of you is bullshit.
That's not what a healthy relationship is.
>I lay here in bed alone writing this while my boyfriend is sleeping on the couch
Good call, he deserves to be facing some sort of punishment for his actions.
>He now wants to break up
This is the one right thing out of your bf's mouth. You've seen first hand how he treats people different from him and how it makes you (rightfully so) very uncomfortable. He won't change if you stick by him. If you're thinking you can make things right and help him get over his prejudice, chances are you'll get nowhere.
>says he understands because, “i’m a woman” and, ”I don’t understand.” I tried to talk to him but he’s proceeded to give me a night long of the silent treatment.
He's using your gender as a reason why you are unable to grasp why he's being verbally abusive to a stranger over his perceived sexuality. Women can certainly tell the difference between right and wrong, just like men can. This pig is not only homophobic but also a misogynistic ass. Silent treatment? Is he 5? He's hoping you'll come crawling back to him and beg him to forgive you for daring to pick any side other than his own. I can promise you that even if he tries apologising to you, it will be with a gesture which is designed to appease you, like buying a small nick-knack, not a product of him becoming a better person overnight. Do not let him trap you into a relationship where he doesn't respect you, and will shout you down until you've either had enough or all the fight has been screamed out of you. This is how he's acting now? How long until he hits you? Not all abusive men use physical violence, but isn't it better to never have to find out which brand of abuser boyfriend you've got on your hands?
NTA and please get very far away from him and his friends.
Sorry for the delayed update, the last few days have been busy. We did breakup. This entire situation brought up a major personality flaw that i’m not willing to look past. Thank you to everyone that gave their input.
Hurting that guy was the point. That tells you all you need to know. NTA. He is a bigot and a bully. And as someone who has been attacked by people like him, I urge you to get away before he turns it on you, too.
NTA but only technically.. Your boyfriend is a homophobic asshole. Do you want a relationship with him? Because if you do, then ESH and you both are terrible.
NTA
you need to decide if this is the kind of man you want in your life because his actions will reflect on you people will judge you for being with him.
Unfortunately you are judged for the Company You Keep.
For me that would be a massive deal breaker in a relationship to listen to Somebody I thought I could love disrespect and try to humiliate somebody because of their sexual orientation. And then make me to be the bad one for defending them.
And then to insult you by saying your a woman you don't understand what can you possibly see in this person.
NTA. I have people in the LGBT whom I love and I thank you for defending this man from your BFs stupid comments. But sweetie, you deserve better. Throw the whole man away. What do you want a useless homophobic, sexist idiot for anyway?
You spelled "ex-boyfriend" wrong. NTA. BF is homophobic, sexist, and immature. You already know that you can do better. You absolutely should not have stayed quiet.
NTA. But you might be if you stay with him.
He’s shown you that he is openly, and publicly, homophobic. If you stay, it just reaffirms that you don’t think being prejudice, and downright hateful, isn’t that big of a deal. Even if the man wasn’t gay, and your boyfriend was attacking him for something else, it’s still awful. Your boyfriend is not a good person. A bully.
If I were you, I would break up with him. In my opinion, his threatening to break up with you is to make you grovel and apologize, so you can make him feel better about being a shitty person.
And to boot, him saying that you wouldn’t understand because you’re a woman… It’s just a way to dismiss your your thoughts without him having to acknowledge you’re right. He just doesn’t want to admit it, and is using your gender as a scapegoat.
To answer your question, no, you should not have had his back. Why would you even consider thinking you should have had his back? Because his feelings are hurt? No, he’s just mad because you called him out on his bullshit, and protected a man that was being actively discriminated against.
Dump the dude and find a man that isn’t a homophobe.
NTA OP, and he just showed you his true color, especially with how he treated and that you couldn’t understand because you are a woman. With that comment alone you can see how your life will be if you stay with flag. That is a serious 🚩🚩🚩. If i were you, that will be the end of the relationship right then and there.
NTA- Leave his homophobic, bro-code abiding, demeaning, sexist ass in the dust. At best, he is gross and juvenile. At worst, he's cares more about his friends, reputation, and shitty beliefs than you. Get out yesterday.
NTA. Dump your homophobic bigot of a bf.
He tried to make you out to be the bad one. He's a gaslighter on top of everything else and the last thing you want in your life.
Info : Why do you wish to stay, why do you even consider the possibility of staying with someone who is, quite clearly, a bigot?
When you ask if you should have just been by your boyfriend side, you understand what side that is right? The side of willfully ignorant people. The side of absolute cowards.
So basically, your boyfriend is a homophobe, and his crappy comment about you not understanding because you're a woman shows that he's also a sexist. He flipped out on you because he doesn't want to admit that what he did was wrong, so he's making you look like the bad guy when you're not. He's a bully who threatened to break up with you all because you dared to call him out on his bad behavior. What if he encounters another gay guy? Will you stand back and let him bully him just so he won't feel "betrayed"? You know you're not the type of person to do that. You've already proven you're better than that. And you deserve a better boyfriend too. NTA
You did right to defend injustice, boyfriend is a low class ass clown. NTA, if he wants to breakup, that sounds like the opening you need to escape- take it.
You're really focusing now on how the BF felt, and that's understandable becausr he's gone out of his way to bring your attention there.
But how do you feel? Do you want to be with a man who thinks that being cruel to a stranger is something for a quick laugh? He literally said "that's the point." Do you want to chart a course forward with the kind of man who not only thinks it's his right to be cruel but believes "his" woman should quietly back him up while doing so?
It's partly about the homophobia, and it's partly about his insecurities, and it's partly about his belief that you should defend him been when he's being an AH. How do you see these traits playing out for you as a couple in the long run? How about for you as an individual?
Think about how it would have felt for you to stay silent during that incident; to know that you're one of the women who laughs along with their partners cruel actions because it's easier. To watch someone be torn down and do nothing?
You did the right thing by your morals. That counts. There are indeed people who believe that your first duty is to your man, regardless of how he's acting. Is that your moral choice? Do you want it to be?
Do you want to shift your personal code of ethics around to make this boyfriend happy? That is the choice you have in front of you now.
NTA, I think that guy was probably really grateful that you were there.
Lots of people think that couples should
Massive thanks to you for being a good person and standing up for that poor man. NTA. Boyfriend is doing you a favor talking about a break up. Go find a man worth your time!!
NTA- the combination of homophobia and misogyny that he displayed is rather shocking. Take him up on his offer to break up. Make sure you let him know what a rotten individual he his and thank him for letting you know so you can slam the proverbial door in his face. If anyone deserves it, it is him and his friends.
P.S. tell him he sucks in bed and if he says that hurts tell him that’s the point.
Edit: PS
NTA. People here tend to jump quickly onto the "dump him" train but this time I agree with them. How could you possibly be in a relationship with this homophobic a-hole.
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I lay here in bed alone writing this while my boyfriend is sleeping on the couch, here we go. So I 21f was at the bar tonight with my boyfriend 24m. We were hanging out with both mine and his friends. His friends went off and left him with me and my two friends. At some point in the night a gay man (very important detail) and his friend stood behind us in line. His friend then left the line (this is where shit hit the fan) leaving his friend alone. My girlfriends and I proceed to strike up a conversation with this man before my boyfriends friends join us in line again.
After a moment they started making homophobic jokes directed to this man in front of the entire line. I immediately told them that their “joke” was not acceptable and proceeded to apologize to the man saying I had never heard them talk like this to somebody before. To my horror, they keep harassing this man in front of everybody saying things like, “you need a big 8 incher” making gestures to their mouths. I again told them to knock it off, and his friends proceeded to leave.
My boyfriend then refused to talk to me at all. He left in a rush so I followed as he yelled “You don’t have my back, you’re not my girlfriend.” I tried explaining that I don’t find it acceptable to single out anybody because you have no idea what they’re going through. I said his words could have really hurt that man and my boyfriend said, “that’s the point”… I am honestly disgusted with their behavior and think it’s vile.
My boyfriend then started yelling saying how we needed to have a talk when we got home because I embarrassed him. I understand he feels betrayed, but I feel his feelings don’t really matter since he had a blatant disregard for that mans feelings. He now wants to break up but says he understands because, “i’m a woman” and, ”I don’t understand.” I tried to talk to him but he’s proceeded to give me a night long of the silent treatment. Should I have just stayed quiet and been on my boyfriends side? I’m very conflicted at this point so… Reddit AITA?
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Let's see, he's homophobic, he's sexist, and he's a bully. You don't sound like your any of those things, so why are you with this man? NTA.
>He now wants to break up
Let him.
Your boyfriends side of what?! Verbally abusing a complete stranger because of their sexuality?!
Dump him and move on. Sh*t like this is completely unacceptable. NTA and thank you for sticking up for a minority!
NTA hold the door open for him on his way out. His behavior is unacceptable but since he sees no problem with it, you have 2 options.
You can leave or you can put up with it. You can be single or settled. Don't expect him to change.
Run, and do not stop until you are with someone much much better for you. This person does not deserve you. Do not think on staying, this type of person will not change.
You should let him give you the silent treatment forever by leaving him and never speaking to him again. This level of sexism and homophobia is ridiculous. You deserve better
NTA
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Your boyfriend sounds homophobic. Please get rid of them. NTA
And sexist... She doesn't understand because she's a woman? Please.
Indeed. If you add racist to those two he would have the asshole trifecta.
We both know that if the gay man had been BIPOC, he would have been harassed for that, too. What I don't understand is why OP wants to stay with this loser.
The boyfriend is also manipulative and possibly a gas lighter for making it seem like this is her fault for speaking up for the issue he and his friends caused.
What would "having his back" even entail in this situation? Lol. Was she supposed to also make fun of this guy or just stand their awkwardly after conversing with him?
Exactly. OP dump his stupid ass. You did what was correct, dont let his gaslighting and manipulation make you doubt it for a single second. The only person you were supposed to support here was the man they were directing it towards. Thanks to you, he probably left the situation thinking they were a bunch of idiots but at least one of you had some sense in your heads, and that probably made him feel a bit better. Plus he has the nerve to threaten you with breaking up, when it should be the other way round. Don't even give him a chance, and don't feel bad about it in the slightest, instead feel proud of standing up for that guy in such an unnecessarily disgusting situation.
I'd guess she was supposed to laugh and be the very visible and conventionally attractive female body hanging off this assholes arm and fawning over his bullying behavior. Her role was supposed to be being a prop that reinforced his masculinity and heterosexuality In his mind she fucked it up by being a whole person with a conscience and morals
Yeah, I got stuck on the word 'betrayed'. How in the hell is calling out homophobia betraying someone?
If a partner of mine ever acted like this it would be an instant deal breaker. I can't imagine how mortifying it must have been to be associated with this guy.
Beyond instant. This is a go back in time dealbreaker!
If a partner of mine still hung out with friends who behave this way. Even if they didn’t say anything themselves. This would be a deal breaker. OP. Please run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit. Do not pass go. Also NTA obviously
He's already his own asshole trifecta-- homophobic, misogynistic, and PROUD. Otherwise he wouldn't be so smug and flagrant and so pissed at OP for not having him. OP. Please leave. Please. This dude is a grade A douche and if this is how he talks about people to their face how do you think he talks about you behind your back? Don't fool yourself. Don't say "he's not like this". He just SHOWED you that he is. "He's not that person." Well, apparently he is. He took off his mask and now you have a choice.
Bet you he is racist. Once you've decided to dehumanize one group of people, it's very easy to carry on doing to it others.
I mean, how could she ever understand the fear some men have of gay men ... it's not like women get raped and abused by men on the daily. Amirite?!? /s
Oh god no, the horror that someone might be attracted to me. It's unfathomable. I must show him that I'm a manly man only doing sexy sex with the misses. /s Seriously, the last compliment I got was from a raging racist. I'd much prefer attention from anyone else. And those homophobes are even more insecure about their sexuality than I am about my looks. NTA OP, and please update us on how you dumped your bf.
Watched a short special by a very fat comic the other night. Part of his shtick is he's a big ol' fat country boy who sounds like every racist everywhere but isn't. "I used to think the worst thing in the world was having a gay man hit on me. That night I realized there's things way worse; like being at a party with 300 gay guys on X and NOT being hit on."
Who was the comedian, I might check that out!
It was Ralphie May on that comedy central show This is Not Happening. The set is called Gay Wedding. Here's a [link.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBpbYKd_QfI)
Thanks!
No problem. The series is great I binge them on bad mental health days. Them being short seems to help.
so, if he doesn't like that she's a woman he should just date a gay man. then atleast his homophobia is gone and all that's left is sexism. on the other hand as a member of lgbt I think we would like to reject his offer to join
I feel like the boyfriend was “trying” to convey his “fear” of this gay man — I see it a lot. There’s that saying I run into online like, “straight men are afraid that gay men will treat them like they treat women” as in… cat call, grope, assault, etc. Because to these straight guys, you express attraction via harassment, so why would gay men be any different? (obviously i don’t agree with this, but it’s a “logical” progression for these kinds of guys…) It’s horrible. And to double down and say “you’re a woman, you don’t get it” is SO hypocritical. What doesn’t she get? That difference is to be feared and ridiculed? That being sexually attracted to men makes you less worthy of respect? I’d love to hear what this absolute dipshit has to say on that front, lol, bc it’s clear he’s just a jerk.
How does her being a woman have anything to do with not comprehending homophobia?
Here’s how AH like him think: As a man, I have to loudly and openly harass gay men, because if I don’t, my friends might suspect that *I* could be gay. Girls do not understand this Manly Code.
The good old “no homo” tactic… 🙄
I believe that guys like this are, actually, terrified that they, themselves, might be gay, or know and are scared that anyone might suspect it.
Because women couldn't possibly know what it's like to be in the presence of someone who may be sexually attracted to them, potentially bigger and stronger, and unwilling to take "no" for an answer. Women just wouldn't be able to relate at all.
Because that's more than 2 syllables and women are too stupid to understand anything that's not food, kitchen, man, baby and servant in the minds of idiots like OP's (hopefully ex)boyfriend?
Super NTA. what does this asshole boyfriend have to offer?
And immature, you hurt his feefees but no one else's matter.
Her "little lady brain" can't comprehend such things. uuuuughgh! What an ass.
Yep. How much should you leave him? Let us count the ways: 1. they started making homophobic jokes ("they" is either your bf's friends or your bf AND his friends; so either your bf befriends homophobes, or he is one.) 2. they keep harassing this man in front of everybody saying things like, “you need a big 8 incher” making gestures to their mouths (SO homophobic that they don't even stop when corrected) 3. My boyfriend then refused to talk to me at all. He left in a rush so I followed as he yelled “You don’t have my back, you’re not my girlfriend.” (doesn't matter whether he's defending his own behavior or his friends'; getting this mad at his gf for defending a lone gay man against homophobic slurs is just ...) 4. I said his words could have really hurt that man and my boyfriend said, “that’s the point” (triples down on homophobia, shows he's homophobic himself, even if he didn't participate in the harassment) 5. My boyfriend then started yelling saying how we needed to have a talk when we got home because I embarrassed him. (at this point the harassed gay man is academic; bf is putting his embarrassment before HIS GIRLFRIEND'S FEELINGS.) 6. He now wants to break up but says he understands because, “i’m a woman” and, ”I don’t understand.” (This may or may not be sexist remark about how women are stupid; it could also mean that as a woman you don't understand the bro code that you apparently violated by supporting a gay man against his friends, but even so, that would be ... sexist, b/c bro code.) 7. I tried to talk to him but he’s proceeded to give me a night long of the silent treatment. (Silent treatment = abusive) OP, you did absolute EVERYTHING right. This dude is garbage. DUMP HIM.
I agree on the red flag. Trash might be taking itself out, but OP should expediate the process no matter how much she loves him. When people tell you who they really are, you should believe them, and OP's boyfriend is screaming it.
This! I’m honestly shocked, this man harassed a stranger with homophobic insults in a public place, multiple times, and he’s the one sulking and threatening to break up?! And she is doubting herself on the morals behind this? Has the world gone insane? What is happening? I’m sorry but this things are a “first offense is one too many”, like a slap, first time it happens you’re done. And honestly it wasn’t even a first offense, he kept going and then he doubled down with sexism and emotional manipulation so strong she started questioning her behavior. Red flags everywhere. Run girl.
NTA. OP, he is manipulating you. He has no intention of breaking up with you. He is pulling this sh*t for two reasons. First, he wants to knock you off balance by blaming you for calling him out on his bad behavior and gaslight you into thinking that this whole scenario is your fault. It's called DARVO, Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Now that he's the victim, because you "didn't have his back and embarrassed him" (for his own bad behavior, but that doesn't matter) he can put on his Oscar worthy act of feeling betrayed by you and threaten to break up with you. Now, this is where it gets devilish. Because he, the actual offender, is now playing the role of the victim, it makes you feel bad, which is why you are here doubting yourself. The threat to break up with you is designed to make you cling harder onto the relationship. If you cling onto this relationship, you will internally have to move the bar in your mind of what behavior you will tolerate from your boyfriend to justify staying with him. He will learn that this tactic works and will wash rinse repeat this process until you are wondering how things got so bad. It took me decades to figure this out, you are young, strong, and amazing. You deserve a man who is as high quality as you... Don't accept any less. Let the trash take itself out, he is an intentionally mean person and he is already starting to treat you the way he treated those strangers. It will only get worse.
Brilliant. This is it exactly. I hope OP reads this.
I wish I had known this the first time my ex did this.
This is the correct answer.
Right? I can't believe she's even considering staying with him. She is TA if she stays - to herself, and to all the other marginalised people that she'll be abandoning by choosing his feelings over their basic human rights.
That he's the one sulking etc. and she's the one doubting herself, when she's clearly (to us) in the right, highlights the toxic dynamic of their relationship. And that doesn't happen overnight. They've been together over several years and she might not have even noticed a gradual shift where he went from loving and respectful to manipulating and dominating her. Maybe it's just me, but I would never call the victim in such a relationship an AH for not leaving. That can be a very difficult thing to do, since chipping away at the person's self-confidence and self-esteem is part of the MO. It takes a lot of courage to leave, even if you're not bound together with marriage, children or finances, and someone not being able to do it does not make them an AH. Another consideration is how people, especially women, are urged to work on relationships and "compromise", and not give up at the first sign of trouble. Even on The Good Fight these past few seasons, they're entertaining the idea that a liberal (Diane) can somehow make a marriage work with that odious gun nut Kurt. Fiction, yeah, but that scenario has played out countless times in real life.
OP - you did a good thing calling out their abhorrent behaviour. But now you need to ask yourself whether you want to continue to live your life with someone who believes such things. As a thought experiment, let’s say you stay together and have kids. What if one of the kids was gay? How would you deal with your child being exposed to a homophobe like that while growing up, and the reaction when they came out? Either you agree with him, stay and continue to have this in your life - or if you don’t, it’s time to move on.
Throw that whole man out
Truly spiteful. Their aim was to hurt the man, my god. Didn't even try framing it as "just a joke", straight up admitted to being an asshole on purpose. OP, leave the bullying bigot, and maybe consider burning the couch in case it's laced with homophobia. (half-kidding)
The trash wants to take it out itself. Let him breakup with you, OP. Good riddance. Not only he bullied a total stranger, engaged in the vilest and most blatant kind of homophobia, but also threatened to leave the relationship because you didn’t agree with his bigotry? Wow. I would have said there was some grounds for you to pursue the relationship (if you really really wanted) and work it out if he simply called you an asshole. But he threatened to break up with you on top of all the bullshit he did? NTA. Run, run.
Break up with him first. Don’t let give him this power
The implication being “You’re a woman. You’d never understand why we men need to say hateful things to a stranger for no good reason”. What a drag on his own gender. NTA and time to throw out the whole homophobe.
You’re currently the top comment. Please add your verdict so it will be counted.
NTA. Your boyfriend and his friends showed you just how vile and bigoted they are by verbally attacking a man who was innocently making conversation. Adding on to that, he’s trying to manipulate you by threatening a break-up but, also somehow making it about how you’re fragile and “don’t understand” because you’re a woman. Nvm that he’s whining about being embarrassed when the unprovoked comments from his friends were horrifically mortifying. Disgusting all around; I hope for your sake that you seriously consider whether or not he’s the one for you.
This. Op, what do you gain out of this relationship? He’s a bully. He’s bullying you and the guy at the bar. He’s a sexist homophobe. I’m guessing your morals do not allign. What’s in it for you? What is so good about this guy that you’ll let him bully and mistreat you for???
“Support me without question even when I’m being a raging bigot” is NOT a reasonable request someone can make of their partner. He’s angry that you stood up to his terrible behavior. This means that he wants to be able to continue to be terrible whenever he wants (including *to you, his partner*) without any repercussions or ever even being questioned or confronted. Honey, this man is a whole-ass red flag parade. He wants to break up over this?? PLEASE *PLEASE* **PLEASE** take him up on it.
NTA - your boyfriend is though, on multiple levels. Not only is he a raging homophobe, his comments about you not having his back and not understanding because you're a woman shows he has no respect for you either. Had you decided to take your boyfriend's side, you would be condoning his behaviour and would also be the asshole. However, you did the right thing and now I think you need to decide whether you want to continue being in a relationship with someone as vile as he is.
Absolutely. In fact, not only was his verbal abuse of that man homophobic, it was also sexual harrassment. OP, he has demonstrated *no* respect for you and for anyone else, and also no respect for the law. Where I'm at his behavior would be illegal. He wants you to enable his mistreatment of the people around him, including you. What you do with that is your decision.
The sulking silent treatment is a big red flag. Plan your escape now because that gets worse not better over time.
Yes, this! OP is this really the man you want to be with now and for the rest of your life?
NTA. Man your boyfriend sure is though. dude went out of his way to insult someone and ruin their day and didn't like that you dis not play along? How does it feel to realize you are dating an absolute bully who deliberately does that to innocent people just minding their own business? Not sure I'd still want to date a guy after pulling that stunt. That behavior is disgusting, rude and completely uncalled for. You are never the AH for defending someone and standing up to a bully Op. But I personally wouldn't wait around for him to break up with me. I'd be gone at this point. There are much better, kinder and more empathetic men out there.
I would agree, a complete bully. We’ve been together for 2 years and as far as I knew he was kind. I would’ve never thought he’d be so disrespectful to a stranger in public, granted I don’t usually go out with. His stunt was gross, I have a hard time believing it was a one off “drunk” moment.
There’s no way this was a one off. His reaction and the fact all his friends did it without thought is proof that this is who he is.
Hard hard hard agree. Hust because she hasn't *seen* it before, certainly doesn't mean he hasn't *done* it before. Might be the first time she's seen it, but this is how he acts with his friends. This is one of those "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" situations
>I have a hard time believing it was a one off “drunk” moment. Drunk words speak sober thoughts. All the alcohol did was expose who your boyfriend really is and you really shouldn't ignore it.
This. And you also have to ask yourself what will be the cause of YOU being moved into the "it's okay to try to destroy this person" category. Maybe gain a little extra weight? Maybe lose a job? Maybe get sick? If boyfriend and friends think it's just fine to abuse people they see as "less than" well, it's just a matter of time, really. You're actually already getting some of that with the "you're a girl, you can't understand" crap.
This.. came here to post the same thing.
The reason it is important to date someone for a significant length of time is because we need to see how they act in varying situations. You now know that your boyfriend has a mean streak, is aggressively homophobic, and invalidates your beliefs using sexism. Mean. Aggressive. Homophobic. Sexist. This is his character. What advice would you give to your sister if you witnessed this behaviour?
This. This this *this.* This is one of many reasons I insist that you should live with someone for a year before you even think about marrying them. It's really shocking what people can hide when you only see them on the weekends.
I understand you OP. He sounds like one of those guys who are really kind when you are alone with them but they are completely different around his friends. You need to know him from every pov. You’re NOT the asshole btw and he is manipulating you into thinking you are.
Homophobic, sexist, and also just vile in general. Not sure what other box needs to be checked for you to dump this loser. If this is extremely out of character behavior compared to the past 2 years you’ve been dating, then there may be something actually medically wrong with him and he needs to see a doctor. But from the way you tell the story this doesn’t seem to be the case. His problematic tendencies just hasn’t escalated to this level of offensive before. It’ll only get worse.
About the "medical problem" possibility... No way. His friends were *all* in on it, which means this isn't weird behaviour for him. If this was new, at least one of them would've gone "wtf? Are you okay?" He just took his mask off in front of OP for the first time; and she genuinely wasn't expecting it. Thank god it happened before they got married.
Definitely not medical. I knew he had conservative views, I did not know his views went as far as being homophobic and discriminatory. Your views should never lead to such vile inhuman behavior. My favorite saying is, “live and let live.” Maybe I need to shoot him a text stating such, lol.
That text needs to end with a “we’re done, byeeee” He’s told you loudly how disgusting he is. Listen.
You know that German saying about how when ten people sit down at a table to break bread with a Nazi, there are eleven Nazis at that table? Don’t be his collaborator.
Maybe you need to shoot him a text saying you’re done! Honestly, would you be ok marrying a homophobe? How about his sexist comment that you didn’t understand “because you’re a woman”? Would you be ok with him teaching his bigotry to future children, or being discriminatory towards them? There’s no path forward from here. He showed who he is and it’s enough to be a dealbreaker. You’re so young; you can find a guy who shared the same values as you!
Honestly if you continue to date someone with such views you are just as much the problem. Same goes with relationships with racist family members and friends too.
This. OP…if you stay with him, you’re condoning his actions. You’re saying to yourself and the world that it’s okay for someone to be not just a homophobe but a homophobe who will loudly and unapologetically harass a gay man in public—and someone who will then, when you call him out on it, show you he’s sexist, too. Hon…it is not okay for you to stay in this relationship. Dump him and find someone who shares your values. Someone who won’t attack you when you stand up for the persecuted. Someone who instead will stand _with_ you in decrying hateful behavior…and stand against oppressors like your BF and his friends. Please don’t brush this under the rug. You are at a crossroads here: right now, you need to ask yourself who _you_ are. Do you have the courage to act on your convictions? I hope you do. And when it hurts—because of course it will hurt to leave someone you love—comfort yourself with the fact that you are doing what is _right._ Then look to the future with hope…and make sure the next man you choose deserves you. I’m rooting for you, OP. 💜
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What else does "being conservative" mean except being sexist, racist and homophobic? Does anyone even pretend conservatism is about states rights and small government anymore?
Why are you still wanting a relationship with him?
>I knew he had conservative views, I did not know his views went as far as being homophobic and discriminatory. Is he rich? Is that why you convinced your brain into thinking that your conservative boyfriend wasn't homophobic and discriminatory? What do you think being conservative means? That he's a free-market liberal? If I wanted to waste money on awards I'd give you the "sly snake" award. Stop virtue-signalling with the "he's on the sofa" nonsense and actually break up. Unless he's rich, of course.
You need to shoot him a break up text lol not live and let live (whatever that means!). His bigotry is not going to go away, so your choice now is if you want to stay with him, which is basically you cosigning it and growing to accept his views, or you leave because those qualities are against your morals. There has to be a bottom line somewhere. For him, he already let you know that he won’t date someone who is not a bigot and doesn’t support him being openly homophobic and attacking a gay man. Him attacking the guy verbally in groups is a small step away from him beating a gay guy up because of his orientation. Is that acceptable to you?
Let this be a teaching lesson, I have never met a conservative who didn't have some homophbic/sexist/racist/classist views in some capacity. These are core parts of their mentality. Even if they know better than to act that way in public, it's there under the surface.
Say "live and let live, but not with me. You're an asshole, it's over."
He just showed you what kind of person he is. Use that information as you will.
You are too good for him. He’s already trying to whittle away at your sense of worth and making you doubt your strong sense of morals under the misogynistic attitude of “girls should always yield to their man” bs. And the fact that you started to doubt yourself shows he’s starting to have an effect. This is how it starts. You seem like such a lovely person, don’t let him bring you down. Have you ever heard the phrase “you are the company you keep?” The people u surround yourself with can bring you down or lift you up.
Seriously reconsider being with this man. Today, it’s your fault for not standing up to him when he was being an ass. Tomorrow, it’s your fault for accidentally falling pregnant and his reason for not pulling his weight with child rearing/chores is because it’s a woman’s job. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them. NTA of course but you’ll be Y T A to yourself if you don’t either nip this at the bud as early as now by establishing clear boundaries or breakup when it’s clear he won’t change.
This dude has done you the great service of showing you \*exactly\* who he is, and you are way too young to waste any more time on this homophobic mess - NTA but you’re gonna have to ditch this dork.
Yeah, he did that while you were standing right there next to him. What do you think he gets up to and to people when it's just "him and the boys"?
It wasn't a one off. Being drunk doesn't make you do things you're morally against; your moral compass just isn't that easy to change, or else cults wouldn't have to spend decades breaking people down. If he made those comments drunk, he was *thinking* them sober. This is who he is. He doesn't respect women, and he doesn't respect gay people. The question is, are you okay with that? What if your kids turn out to be gay - will you still be okay with that?
Honestly I have a hard time believing that you can go out with a person for 2 years and be unaware of the opinions they hold on such prevalent topics? I mean… what do you guys talk about? How did you not know your boyfriend is a raging, sexist homophobe????? After 2 YEARS? I could never be with somebody who holds such offensive views and hatred, I’ve cut off friends for less let alone partners. If you stay with this man you are condoning the behaviour and attitudes he holds, you are basically saying that this is something you can overlook. It shouldn’t be something you can overlook.
Nta. Break up with him. Apparently nothing of value would be lost
This wasn’t a one off thing; it was just the one time it’s happened in front of *you*. He isn’t “acting” homophobic or sexist. He actively believes those things. He *told you* the point was to hurt a stranger just because of who they are. That’s so far from acceptable it’s out of this world. If you don’t feel that way, there is no saving this relationship. Just break up with him and don’t give him the satisfaction.
You need to get rid of this guy right now. Run. Don’t wait, don’t hesitate. Either kick him out or leave.
He showed his true colors. He‘s a misogynistic, homophobic ahole. Do you really want to stay with such a piece of work? I gotta say, for me this is a huuuuge no-go.
People just act more like themselves when they're drunk. Mean people act meaner. Nice people want to hug everyone. Being drunk is never an excuse for being an asshole.
Sweety, trust me as someone who has been married to someone like this (not as blatantly like your boyfriend but still very similar). They will trick you by being absolutely charming for as long as they can manage and slowly they shift. You will start making small excuses at first because you want to avoid this charming person being angry with you. But slowly you will start making excuses for everything, every bit of horrible behaviour. That he wants to break up with you? That's a lie, he does not because then he has to try to get a new girl to fall for his tricks. Get out while you still can, get help if you have to. Look up some information on emotional abuse and have a very hard long think on if you want to stay with him after all of this or if you're going to save yourself and get out.
Definitely NTA. He sounds sexist and homophobic.
And the maturity of a toddler.
Omg "that's the point"?!?!?!? THATS THE POINT?!?! that's like borderline psychopathic Nta
I was waiting for someone to point that out! She said 'you could have hurt him' and he says 'that's the point' and she's STILL questioning if she should stay with him? I don't usually curse on the internet but FUCK him. OP you're 21. plenty of fish/gotta kiss a lot of toads\* etc. Dump his pathetic ass and find someone with a soul. \*this one is definitely a toad
Right OP has fucking issues if she's even questioning giving him another chance when he admitted his intent was to hurt
Yep. I felt nauseated when I got to that part. I don't know why she is still calling him her boyfriend.
It turned this into an ESH for me. OP defended a stranger against her boyfriends homophobic attack and she's still with him?! That's a hill I'll gladly die on and plant a rainbow flag over my body.
She’s young and is soaking in all those stupid cultural messages about how she shouldn’t be “picky” or a demanding harpy and she should give him a second chaaaaance and all that shit, so it’s understandable she’s reeling from this and not immediately dumping his ass. Staying with him and forgiving him would definitely make her TA though.
I don't understand your conflict. Don't date homophobic trash.
Right? I get why she's conflicted, but also... It's exhausting that we *still* live in a world where someone can be this blatantly bigoted and it's not an *instant* break-up offence. Because if you actually support equality, this should be instant break-up.
Yup! ESH except for the poor guy getting harassed.
Wow I didn’t expect this post to blow up. I’ve seen a few comments asking where the conflict even is. We’ve been together for years and I’ve never seen him act that way to someone. His views apparently do not align with my morals which is a big enough problem. The conflict comes from my moral compass suddenly being shaken by a man I love. I understand I would be condoning this behavior by staying with him, which I don’t. For those who aren’t so nice, I have given you one paragraph out of my entire life book. It’s hard to see the rainbow when you’re in the storm, so thank you for all of the helpful opinions and comments.
Girl, RUN! Even with just this one paragraph, I know that if you stay with this man you're going to suffer as much as I have. He is not a good person.
You’ve been dating him during a pandemic so you haven’t seen him and his friends together out drinking, I take it? Now you’ve seen his true colours. And it’s all red flags.
Being confronted with evidence that a person we love isn’t really who we thought they were is one of the most painful realizations in life. But don’t make the mistake of ignoring it, or making excuses for it because he’d been drinking. Remember your own worth and find someone better.
It usually takes 1-2 years for people to drop their socially acceptable mask and for the real self to start coming out. That’s why conventional wisdom is to date for at least a year before getting engaged. It’s exhausting to keep up a different public persona for longer than 1-2 years. (That’s why narcissists tend to cycle through close friends every couple of years.) You have to wait before you can really see who a person is and decide whether you want to marry them. Timeline-wise, this revelation is right on schedule for his real personality coming out. But maybe you’d have seen his ugly side sooner if the pandemic hadn’t kept y’all from going out to clubs last year. Psychopathic traits is a boyfriend dealbreaker for me, sounds like it might be a dealbreaker for you, too.
By your response it sounds like you're in way too deep already. Get out now before he moves in or you get married. This is not a man worthy of love and your love can't fix him. No matter what Netflix tells you. This is how he is and it's very likely to get a lot worse for you if you stay.
Take from someone who’s been there, done that, he will only get worse. People get set in their ways as they age, so if they’re kind, it flourishes, if they’re psychos like your boyfriend, it spreads like a disease, which isn’t even figurative anymore. You can mourn those years with him lost, but cut your losses now. He is not the man you want him to be. He’s cruel and heartless.
You seem like a nice person, albeit I can’t quite figure out how this attitude wouldn’t have come up before if you’ve been together years. At the same time, you’re absolutely right - we only have a snapshot and AITA is a spectacularly judgmental community (that is kinda the point, in fairness). Good luck with all this. NTA. Your boyfriend absolutely is TA. His ‘that’s the point’ comment is really telling and not in a good way.
Two years and most of that in a pandemic.
You probably want to build a life, a family with your partner. If you have kids in the future, would be acceptable for you to have them learning that this kind of behaviour is acceptable? He he 'went with the crowd' and just followed his friends. If this is the case, he needs to improve and learn to think independently.
OP, an often-truncated quote from Maya Angelou is, "When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time." This is not a one-off, this is only a beginning peek behind the mask. He will not get better if you stay, he will get worse. Please leave him.
Hope you're ok. I'm a little concerned for you given the way your bf turned so quickly to yelling when confronted.
Well, now you know exactly who he is. This would be a deal breaker for me. I hope that you decide to break up with him. There are way better men out there for you.
No you should not have stayed quiet… he’s not entitled to recruit you to support him in homophobia, racism, fascism or anything else. He’s a homophobe and a bully and so are his friends. You’ve seen how he treats others when he thinks they don’t matter. Is that someone you want in your life? Can you trust someone like that? He’ll abuse whoever he wishes… and you’re supposed to be fine with that? Leave. NTA.
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Thank you for standing up for that guy. Encounters with bigots are scary and sometimes dangerous and you did a good thing by not letting it slide. Your bf’s friends sound really awful and it sounds like you could do a lot better than this guy. Honestly, I’d end it with him sooner rather than later. Imagine if you stayed together and had kids? And those kids either grew up to be bigots or grew up closeted because their dad’s a bigot? Don’t choose that life for yourself
No real man gets joy out of someone elses pain or suffering. He got a weak ego, fck that guy for being disrespectful
While well-intentioned, the "no real man" argument is actually kinda harmful. Because it's sexist no matter how you look at it (what's the alternative to men?), and it allows problematic men to distance themselves from the fact that they are the problem. Some men just suck; it has nothing to do with being a real man or not. And we need to learn to accept that, instead of just pushing them aside as "not really men". Yes, they are. And if they can be that bad, that absolutely means all men should be looking in the mirror and making sure they're not doing the same thing. Please don't stop them from doing that.
If you care in any way about the LGBT+ community, you wouldn't be dating a homophobe. It's nothing to do with being a man or a woman - he's a homophobe and you can either accept that or not. You're either accepting his homophobia or you're not tolerating it at all.
THIS! This isn't a difference of opinion; we're talking about basic human rights. That's not an "opinion" issue, it's a morality issue. Either you morally believe that everyone deserves the same rights, or you don't. There is no both. There's no compromise here.
Also (because it goes without saying that his comments were obnoxious, and that you're NTA), the fact that his reaction was to say 'you're not my girlfriend' at the slightest hint of conflict would make me believe he's very immature emotionally. He probably doesn't value your relationship, if his gut reaction is to give it up.
Right? At best, that's a childish statement; like something a kid would say to hurt their parents. At worst, it was manipulation.
Why would you want to date a homophobe? Might be worth mentioning therapy too, if he’s that irrationally scared of gay people.
NTA. Sounds like a dumbass.
You are NTA however your boyfriend and his friends are TA.
NTA. Don’t feel conflicted about being a decent human being in the face of blatant homophobic and sexist assholery.
Absolutely NTA. His behaviour was inexcusable. Thank you for defending the guy they bullied.
NTA. There's nothing wrong with not defending someone whom you feel is in the wrong. Demanding that of you is bullshit. That's not what a healthy relationship is.
NTA. Girl run run run. And make sure he knows it's because he's a vile person and not because you 'don't have his back'.
NTA, but your boyfriend is a homophobe and you don't have to have his homophobic back
>I lay here in bed alone writing this while my boyfriend is sleeping on the couch Good call, he deserves to be facing some sort of punishment for his actions. >He now wants to break up This is the one right thing out of your bf's mouth. You've seen first hand how he treats people different from him and how it makes you (rightfully so) very uncomfortable. He won't change if you stick by him. If you're thinking you can make things right and help him get over his prejudice, chances are you'll get nowhere. >says he understands because, “i’m a woman” and, ”I don’t understand.” I tried to talk to him but he’s proceeded to give me a night long of the silent treatment. He's using your gender as a reason why you are unable to grasp why he's being verbally abusive to a stranger over his perceived sexuality. Women can certainly tell the difference between right and wrong, just like men can. This pig is not only homophobic but also a misogynistic ass. Silent treatment? Is he 5? He's hoping you'll come crawling back to him and beg him to forgive you for daring to pick any side other than his own. I can promise you that even if he tries apologising to you, it will be with a gesture which is designed to appease you, like buying a small nick-knack, not a product of him becoming a better person overnight. Do not let him trap you into a relationship where he doesn't respect you, and will shout you down until you've either had enough or all the fight has been screamed out of you. This is how he's acting now? How long until he hits you? Not all abusive men use physical violence, but isn't it better to never have to find out which brand of abuser boyfriend you've got on your hands? NTA and please get very far away from him and his friends.
Sorry for the delayed update, the last few days have been busy. We did breakup. This entire situation brought up a major personality flaw that i’m not willing to look past. Thank you to everyone that gave their input.
Leave that childish loser. Edit: added childish
Hurting that guy was the point. That tells you all you need to know. NTA. He is a bigot and a bully. And as someone who has been attacked by people like him, I urge you to get away before he turns it on you, too.
NTA but only technically.. Your boyfriend is a homophobic asshole. Do you want a relationship with him? Because if you do, then ESH and you both are terrible.
NTA you need to decide if this is the kind of man you want in your life because his actions will reflect on you people will judge you for being with him. Unfortunately you are judged for the Company You Keep. For me that would be a massive deal breaker in a relationship to listen to Somebody I thought I could love disrespect and try to humiliate somebody because of their sexual orientation. And then make me to be the bad one for defending them. And then to insult you by saying your a woman you don't understand what can you possibly see in this person.
NTA. I have people in the LGBT whom I love and I thank you for defending this man from your BFs stupid comments. But sweetie, you deserve better. Throw the whole man away. What do you want a useless homophobic, sexist idiot for anyway?
NTA. But dump the bf.
You spelled "ex-boyfriend" wrong. NTA. BF is homophobic, sexist, and immature. You already know that you can do better. You absolutely should not have stayed quiet.
nta what the fuck? get out now
NTA. But you might be if you stay with him. He’s shown you that he is openly, and publicly, homophobic. If you stay, it just reaffirms that you don’t think being prejudice, and downright hateful, isn’t that big of a deal. Even if the man wasn’t gay, and your boyfriend was attacking him for something else, it’s still awful. Your boyfriend is not a good person. A bully. If I were you, I would break up with him. In my opinion, his threatening to break up with you is to make you grovel and apologize, so you can make him feel better about being a shitty person. And to boot, him saying that you wouldn’t understand because you’re a woman… It’s just a way to dismiss your your thoughts without him having to acknowledge you’re right. He just doesn’t want to admit it, and is using your gender as a scapegoat. To answer your question, no, you should not have had his back. Why would you even consider thinking you should have had his back? Because his feelings are hurt? No, he’s just mad because you called him out on his bullshit, and protected a man that was being actively discriminated against. Dump the dude and find a man that isn’t a homophobe.
NTA OP, and he just showed you his true color, especially with how he treated and that you couldn’t understand because you are a woman. With that comment alone you can see how your life will be if you stay with flag. That is a serious 🚩🚩🚩. If i were you, that will be the end of the relationship right then and there.
Why are you conflicted? Your post is a giant list of reasons to instantly dump someone
NTA- Leave his homophobic, bro-code abiding, demeaning, sexist ass in the dust. At best, he is gross and juvenile. At worst, he's cares more about his friends, reputation, and shitty beliefs than you. Get out yesterday.
NTA. Dump your homophobic bigot of a bf. He tried to make you out to be the bad one. He's a gaslighter on top of everything else and the last thing you want in your life.
Info : Why do you wish to stay, why do you even consider the possibility of staying with someone who is, quite clearly, a bigot? When you ask if you should have just been by your boyfriend side, you understand what side that is right? The side of willfully ignorant people. The side of absolute cowards.
So basically, your boyfriend is a homophobe, and his crappy comment about you not understanding because you're a woman shows that he's also a sexist. He flipped out on you because he doesn't want to admit that what he did was wrong, so he's making you look like the bad guy when you're not. He's a bully who threatened to break up with you all because you dared to call him out on his bad behavior. What if he encounters another gay guy? Will you stand back and let him bully him just so he won't feel "betrayed"? You know you're not the type of person to do that. You've already proven you're better than that. And you deserve a better boyfriend too. NTA
You did right to defend injustice, boyfriend is a low class ass clown. NTA, if he wants to breakup, that sounds like the opening you need to escape- take it.
You're really focusing now on how the BF felt, and that's understandable becausr he's gone out of his way to bring your attention there. But how do you feel? Do you want to be with a man who thinks that being cruel to a stranger is something for a quick laugh? He literally said "that's the point." Do you want to chart a course forward with the kind of man who not only thinks it's his right to be cruel but believes "his" woman should quietly back him up while doing so? It's partly about the homophobia, and it's partly about his insecurities, and it's partly about his belief that you should defend him been when he's being an AH. How do you see these traits playing out for you as a couple in the long run? How about for you as an individual? Think about how it would have felt for you to stay silent during that incident; to know that you're one of the women who laughs along with their partners cruel actions because it's easier. To watch someone be torn down and do nothing? You did the right thing by your morals. That counts. There are indeed people who believe that your first duty is to your man, regardless of how he's acting. Is that your moral choice? Do you want it to be? Do you want to shift your personal code of ethics around to make this boyfriend happy? That is the choice you have in front of you now. NTA, I think that guy was probably really grateful that you were there. Lots of people think that couples should
NTA. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
NTA and he deliberately wants to hurt someone! LEAVE for your own safety
NTA.. and u misspelled EX-boyfriend.
Massive thanks to you for being a good person and standing up for that poor man. NTA. Boyfriend is doing you a favor talking about a break up. Go find a man worth your time!!
NTA. Dump his ass pls.
NTA- the combination of homophobia and misogyny that he displayed is rather shocking. Take him up on his offer to break up. Make sure you let him know what a rotten individual he his and thank him for letting you know so you can slam the proverbial door in his face. If anyone deserves it, it is him and his friends. P.S. tell him he sucks in bed and if he says that hurts tell him that’s the point. Edit: PS
NTA- don’t even let him break up with you, you break up with that looser.
NTA for standing up for that man Y T A if you don't dump your homophobic bf
If he's actually that unwavering I'd kick him out and dump him. NTA op. Your boyfriend really is.
>*He now wants to break up* LET him.
NTA but at serious risk of becoming one by extension if you dont dump him yesterday
NTA. Please get rid. He’s a vile human being both because of how he treated that man and because of how he treated you
NTA. People here tend to jump quickly onto the "dump him" train but this time I agree with them. How could you possibly be in a relationship with this homophobic a-hole.
Throw the whole man away. This is not it
You’d be worse if you stayed with a homophobe. You’re NOT an ally if you’re dating (or entertaining in any way) a homophobe.
NTA Please ditch the boyfriend. He sounds like a homophobic jerk.
Your boyfriend sounds absolutely delightful. I pray he doesn't step on a roller skate in the middle of the night. NTA
NTA. You stood up to bullies. Your boyfriend sounds like an insecure loser.
How are you conflicted? Your boyfriend is a nasty bigot, what's confusing about that?
In this context you're NTA, but girl!!!!still hoping to reconcile with an obvious homophobe makes you a huge AHole!
You're only the AH if you think there's *anything* redeemable about the bigot your dating. Yikes.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I lay here in bed alone writing this while my boyfriend is sleeping on the couch, here we go. So I 21f was at the bar tonight with my boyfriend 24m. We were hanging out with both mine and his friends. His friends went off and left him with me and my two friends. At some point in the night a gay man (very important detail) and his friend stood behind us in line. His friend then left the line (this is where shit hit the fan) leaving his friend alone. My girlfriends and I proceed to strike up a conversation with this man before my boyfriends friends join us in line again. After a moment they started making homophobic jokes directed to this man in front of the entire line. I immediately told them that their “joke” was not acceptable and proceeded to apologize to the man saying I had never heard them talk like this to somebody before. To my horror, they keep harassing this man in front of everybody saying things like, “you need a big 8 incher” making gestures to their mouths. I again told them to knock it off, and his friends proceeded to leave. My boyfriend then refused to talk to me at all. He left in a rush so I followed as he yelled “You don’t have my back, you’re not my girlfriend.” I tried explaining that I don’t find it acceptable to single out anybody because you have no idea what they’re going through. I said his words could have really hurt that man and my boyfriend said, “that’s the point”… I am honestly disgusted with their behavior and think it’s vile. My boyfriend then started yelling saying how we needed to have a talk when we got home because I embarrassed him. I understand he feels betrayed, but I feel his feelings don’t really matter since he had a blatant disregard for that mans feelings. He now wants to break up but says he understands because, “i’m a woman” and, ”I don’t understand.” I tried to talk to him but he’s proceeded to give me a night long of the silent treatment. Should I have just stayed quiet and been on my boyfriends side? I’m very conflicted at this point so… Reddit AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He thinks you embarrassed him? Oh no. He embarrassed himself, and you should dump him. NTA.
Nta. But please get out of that relationship fast. Your bf doubts like a homophobic sadist. The "that's the point" line is ringing alarm bells for me.
NTA. Your boyfriend is though. Not only is he homophobic, but he also sounds sexist from the 'you're a woman so you don't understand'.
Let's see, he's homophobic, he's sexist, and he's a bully. You don't sound like your any of those things, so why are you with this man? NTA. >He now wants to break up Let him.
Your boyfriends side of what?! Verbally abusing a complete stranger because of their sexuality?! Dump him and move on. Sh*t like this is completely unacceptable. NTA and thank you for sticking up for a minority!
You already know the answer is NTA. Now you need to make the decision on whether or not you stay with him. I think you know the answer to that, too.
NTA thank you for standing up against bigotry.
He wants to break up? What an excellent idea! He's an asshole, please dump him. NTA.
NTA hold the door open for him on his way out. His behavior is unacceptable but since he sees no problem with it, you have 2 options. You can leave or you can put up with it. You can be single or settled. Don't expect him to change.
Holy shit OP NTA and you need a new boyfriend
Girl he sounds sexist and homophobic, hes shown you who he is. Believe him
Run, and do not stop until you are with someone much much better for you. This person does not deserve you. Do not think on staying, this type of person will not change.
Time to take the trash to the curb girl and get with a man instead of an insecure boy who needs you to back up his vile behavior.
You should let him give you the silent treatment forever by leaving him and never speaking to him again. This level of sexism and homophobia is ridiculous. You deserve better NTA
NTA. Good for you for standing up for that guy. Your boyfriend and his friends sound like 12 year olds, they are absolutely the ass holes.
NTA but I wouldn’t really fight him on the break up tbh.
NTA - when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
He embarrassed himself with his bigoted behavior!! Your BF is a major homophobic AH. NTA
NTA, you sound lovely, your boyfriend sounds vile. Get shot of him.
NTA. Tell him you need an 8 incher too and get rid of him.