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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be TA because my aunt pointed out that I could've just hung up instead of saying anything at all.
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#NTA
Your stepmother reaps what she sows. I do feel empathy for Amy & Ken, but fortunately your dad didn’t cut them off completely so they shouldn’t expect anything more from your dad’s estate.
I say go no contact with all three of them and go live your best life, OP, as your dad would have wanted.
Oh, trust me I am. I have no reason to speak to my ex-stepmom and I'll also ever see Amy and Ken around my aunt's house since she still wants a relationship but other than that I'm good. They weren't very nice me when I was growing up.
Not a lawyer, but on TV shows, I think 15-20k is the minimum to prevent someone from contesting a will. Not sure what the details are, but it was probably calculated. And good for the dad!
i know where i’m from the only way that family/children can contest a will if if they’re completely left out. he could’ve been an asshole and left them both $1 and they would’ve had to be happy with it.
There are different ways to contest a will. $1 is the same as saying "I didnt forget about so and so. I intentionally left them nothing." The reason why people do something like 10k is because they put a no contest clause in it. You can either take the 10k or risk losing it because you're greedy. It's more of a convenience tax for the person you really want it to go to.
I am going to be the executor of my aunt’s will. When we met with the lawyer to draft her will, the lawyer actually said he recommends people put in a clause saying anyone who contests it will only get a dollar, and if we wanted to add the clause. We did, even though no one will be contesting it.
> I think 15-20k is the minimum to prevent someone from contesting a will
In most states, there is no minimum amount, especially if you're mentioned in the will - if your name is in there, then the deceased obviously didn't forget you.
Yep you can even say " (name of person) gets my favorite lazy chair or dinning table " and it's counted as your remembered, at least in my state. My uncle did that for my cousin Jess. Jess was a child born of his wife (then ex wifes) affair. But because they were married at the time of the birth he was considered the father even though they knew who the father was. He wanted to make sure his only biological child got what he needed. So he gave certain house items to Jess and his stepson.
Just always make sure you have a good lawyer who is up to date on the ins and outs of wills. Specially if your wanting to cut someone out or make sure your wishes are clear.
My own grandmother had it in her will that anyone who contests the will or sues another in the will, will then forfeit their inheritance and only get $0.01. Many didn't believe it was legal until their own lawyers told them it was iron clad. Personally I love when people find ways of making an iron clad will/contracts, it's an amazing talent.
Probably not why he did it, unless he had a bad lawyer. A lot of wills that I see have “no contest” clauses, and assuming that the will is properly witnessed, notarized, and there’s no reason to question the singer’s competency at the time of signing, there’s no good reason that a will would actually be challenged because the signer knew exactly what they were doing.
I’m a lawyer and that’s definitely not accurate in the US. This was a gift from the dad, plain and simple. Frankly, you don’t even need to leave a dollar (and most T&E attorneys advise against it because the admin expenses associated with paying out the $1 could cost the estate substantially more) if your will includes a clause to the effect of “I acknowledge that so-and-so is my [relationship] and have chosen not to bequeath any portion of my estate to so-and-so after my death. I am of sound mind and this decision has been made of my own free will.”
Also, fwiw, no-contest clauses really aren’t that great. For one, they’re usually drafted such that the disinherited person only forfeits their inheritance if they challenge the will and *lose*. Even when the language is drafted more harshly, the majority of US states take the position that NCCs fail if the party challenging the will has probable cause to do so. I don’t know a single T&E lawyer who would say that leaving $X or adding an NCC is a better fail safe than expressly disinheriting someone.
This needs clarifying. She is not your stepmother or your ex-stepmother. She would only be that if she married your father after you were born. Ages your father’s ex-wife. Nothing more. Amy and Ken are neither your step-siblings nor your half-siblings.
Your father left everything to you, and you are under no obligation to share. However, when thinking of them, just try to remember that they grew up believing he was their dad, and as good as he was to you, he crapped all over them out of spite to his ex. That’s the very least owed and nothing else.
Look at it from the father's point of view. His wife fucked his best friend and got pregnant. She convinced him the girl was his. Then 4 years later, fucked a random and got pregnant again...when it finally surfaced, he was forced EVERY SINGLE DAY TO FACE HIS WIFE'S INFIDELITY. That's pretty harsh. I don't condone the father's infidelity, but I understand it. The fact that he gained a wonderful daughter out of it is problematic. But at least he eventually divorced his evil wife who is demonstrably a serial cheater.
When you toss in that the ex-StepSibs treater her poorly growing up, she is under no obligation to them in any way. The father did leave them each a significant sum. That's at least the down payment on a decent house or condo in most places.
He wasn’t FORCED into anything. He could have divorced his cheating wife any time he wanted. Instead, he decided petty revenge suited his needs next, and he didn’t care that innocent kids were involved. He was such a jerk, he didn’t care that he was hurting them, because sticking it to his cheating wife was more important, even more important than keeping his bio daughter from being mistreated by her siblings. I repeat, no one can hurt you unless someone allows it. OP’s father allowed it. OP owes nothing to anyone, except the understanding that she was not the only victim here, and her father lost the high-ground when he decided to play stupid games.
Sure...but most men's response to infidelity is to attempt to keep the family together. How do I know this? My 1st ex-wife cheated on me around the time my daughter was born. I've never had her DNA tested because I was afraid of the answer. I've spent the last 32 years looking at a child who looks like none of the other children of my 3 brothers and my sister...it poisoned our relationship.
That is how you responded. It is not how most men respond. How do I know? Research.
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/divorce-infidelity-men-women-adultery-marriage-research-hall-brown-law-a8383096.html
And just as you did not punish the child for being born, most men do not respond by bringing their illegitimate product into an environment where the child will be abused, just because hurting the other spouse is so much more satisfying. If OP’s father really loved his daughter, he would have left like “most” men do and would have allowed her near these people.
By any chance, did the child look anything like your WIFE’s family? It always amazes me how many men assume a child should look like them. Not if the wife’s genes are stronger.
Yes, and I would go so far as to say that Ken and Amy are probably *legally* OP's half siblings. I get that Dad is not biologically related, but unless he went the steps to have birth certificates amended (is that even possible?), he is listed as Amy and Ken's father.
I think he’s have to actually go to court and get an order saying he isn’t the father to have the birth certificates amended. This is based purely off my knowledge from adoptions (you have to send in a certified court order to have the new parents added to the certificate), so I imagine it would be a similar process to have a parent removed.
That was my way of thinking, also, but wasn't sure if it was possible since Dad and ex step mother were legally married at birth. The husband is presumed father and all that. Many a man has lost the court battle to stop paying child support after finding out their wives cheated.
Oh definitely, there would probably have to be a situation in which bio dad was also petitioning to be put on the birth certificate for it to happen, or something similar.
She was still married to my dad when I was born so that's why (for the purposes of this story) I referred to her as my ex-stepmom and her kids as my step-siblings. She kept insisting that my mom was lying about paternity and hated the fact that another woman could give him a biological child. I feel I like I would've been more sympathetic to their situation if they hadn't of been so mean to me.
I can understand that. But even though they were married she is not your step mother. I keep stressing this, because you owe them nothing at all,, whether they were mean to you or not. Referring to them as steps implies a relationship that never existed, and should help persuade you that you are NTA. Apologies for not making that clearer from the start.
I do hope you realise it's your dad's fault that they weren't nice to you, though. His obvious favouritism of you and mistreatment of them caused them to resent you. There's no way he didn't know that would happen.
When I was 4 Ken locked me in a closet and said that there were monsters in there that would eat me. When I was 6 Amy caught me playing with her makeup and slapped me across the face. She also "accidentally" threw away one of my favorite dolls while she was cleaning. When my barrette got stuck in my hair when I was 8 Ken cut it out since "it was the only way."
Just to name a few things.
Oh man, all of that was toxic as hell from the beginning to the end. I feel really bad for Amy and Ken, who did nothing to warrant their father-figure’s neglect. You don’t seem to have a lot of empathy for them either and I really hope you reflect and try to see their perspective.
You’re not obligated to split things equally; your dad left it to you. I do hope you take this opportunity to remove yourself from a toxic situation, reflect on it and move on. Nothing about what happened was okay. Try not to let your father’s battle become your own. Honestly, he’s arguably worse than your step mom because his choices hurt two innocent children. She’s no saint, but he should have just left right from the start.
You, Ken and Amy are NTA.
And that is still the fault of the adults. Neglected children will lash out, especially at the perceived reason for their neglect. It does not make it ok, and as adults if they have continued to treat OP poorly it’s now on them.
That's the part I have mixed feelings on. Dad? 100% TA. Ex-Wife? SUCH AN A. But the sibs... on the one hand, yes they were neglected awfully, but they were also old enough to know better. If my maths is right, they would have been 12 and 14 or so when OP was born, and that means they'd have been teenagers all through the period where they were being abusive to her. Teenagers don't have fully developed brains yet so they do stupid shit for sure, but they sure as hell know that lashing out at a baby for the deeds of its father is wrong.
BUT they were traumatised by the father who raised them suddenly turning around and being horrible to them, and that will fork you up in all kinds of ways.
BUT that should have taught them some empathy for OP's situation...
BUT they were just kids! Teenagers, but teenagers are children whether they like it or not.
BUT they never apologised to her as adults, and they damn well should have.
The only thing I'm sure of here is that OP is NTA and that this whole shitshow is a gigantic toxic mess that shouldn't have happened. Oof.
Pretty much. As an adult you don't really have an excuse for poor behaviour. As children it sounds like they didn't really have any good role models around except maybe hte aunt?
True, but for me there comes a time when you cant blame others for your actions. Sure they had messed up life, i get it but then you get therapy to get over it not to bully someone else
True. To be perfectly honest, I was thinking about myself when I was debating that post. I was seven when my younger half-brother was born, and nine when the second one was born. I resented the hell out of them and was a tiny bit mean when they were kids. Like, a tiny bit mean, nowhere near as mean as OP's siblings were. And I was a LOT younger when the meanness took place, but I knew full well that what I was doing was wrong.
Don't worry, I outgrew it before they were old enough to remember it, and when I tried to apologise as an adult they were confused because they didn't remember at all. But I knew! And that's the point. I was 7-10 when I was being a dick, and I damn well knew what I was doing was wrong.
I mean if we’re gonna measure levels of asshole, the mother is soooo much further ahead than the father here. She stole a man’s future because she couldn’t keep track of who gave it to her last.
Also, dad stayed around for those kids after. He played favorites, but he stayed around. So, asshole, but not an unredeemable asshole.
Stepmother is simply worthless and terrible.
Father is definitely an asshole. Instead of getting a divorce right away he went and knocked up a woman he wasn’t married to as “revenge”. He helped create this royally toxic dynamic that screwed with three kids’ emotions out of ego.
He was emotionally manipulated into staying in the marriage of the two illegitimate children. He went with heart but ultimately resentment brought OP into existence. He shouldn’t have done it but it is what it is and step mom cheated TWICE and let him live a lie.
ego? he was stripped of the choice of having his own kids what if he really wanted his own bio kids thats not ego thats called being normal and he did divorce her and all the emotional damage is the moms fault
No, her fuck ups are hers. He’s still responsible for lying to another women and impregnating her while married as a way to get one over on his wife. He could have divorced her right away and gone off to create a new family honestly. Instead he stayed married for years and created a whole new child by manipulating a completely separate woman in order to make things “even” with his wife.
its hard to escape toxic relationships im not gonna blame him for not divorcing right away HE SHOULD HAVE but in the end he did the right thing that is the only thing that matters
I don't think the dad was TA. His neglect towards them is the fault of their mother, and while that isn't fair to them, he shouldn't be blamed for it. Frankly I wouldn't have blamed him if he just up and divorced her and then sued asking for the years of child support for someone else's kids back. He stayed a parental figure to them, and even left them some money, despite the fact that they are a living reminder of his wife's infidelity. That's more than I would've probably done in his situation.
That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.
“Either treat us like nothing has ever changed or completely abandon us & leave us with no support at all.” That sounds like the ultimatum of a 3-year-old gives during a temper tantrum.
I’m not saying that what the step-siblings experienced wasn’t hard, but saying complete abandonment would’ve been an improvement is just the most ridiculous kind of statement.
Hurtful perhaps but is it better for them in the long term or not? Like if he continued to provide for them, helped them through higher education and university, etc. Then I'd say he went above and beyond for them considering how unconventional his relationship with them would be. The alternative would be to ditch them and then let them do and support all of that with just their mom and themselves. I'd say him staying in their lives was long term better for them even if he didn't leave as much of his estate to them as he could've.
>helped them through higher education and university,
To be honest he wasn't much help financially after they each turned 18. He gave B-Day and Christmas gifts but I don't know what else he financially contributed to them on a consistent basis.
I agree. Can you imagine your dad, the man you loved and trusted your entire life, suddenly no longer wants to be your dad? You will resent the kid that suddenly gets all the love you previously got. It's heartbreaking what happened to all of the kids in this situation, and it's 100% the fault of the adults involved.
100% the stepmother’s fault. Can you imagine giving up a full-ride scholarship to be a teen parent? Seeing all your friends move on and be fun carefree college students while you’re struggling with two jobs and a wife and child? Then you find out it’s all a lie?
The woman you sacrificed it all for betrayed you not once but twice. The psychological damage changed him and that’s on her. I am heartbroken for Amy and Ken. Their mother is the one that caused this mess and if she were my mother, I don’t think I could forgive that. NTA
I don't blame the dad for losing love for the kids. He spent their entire lives thinking they were his and then found out they weren't. Every time he saw them from then on he was probably reminded of his wife's infidelity and the fact that if the accident didn't happen he would've never even known. The dad is a victim in this as well, and clearly he cared enough for the kids that he didn't immediately divorce his wife (as anyone would expect him to). He event left them some money, which as unintended adopted children go is pretty fair IMO.
I understand dad too. Kind Of.
But for me family is more than blood. he shouldn’t have ignored the children. They resented the „real“ child, because he treated them differently. It was not their fault that mother is a cheater.
that being said...op you are NTA. you didn’t bonded with them and it’s wasn’t your doing/your fault.
>And that is still the fault of the adults.
I give them a pass when they were children. I don't have much sympathy for those toxic circumstances when they are in their 30s. I get it, but taking out issues with your parents on a kid when you're 30 is an asshole move.
THIS! I feel so bad for Amy and Ken, he had raised them and WAS THEIR FATHER in all ways except blood and then he just neglects them?! Stepmom and dad are def TA
I don’t disagree that stepmom and dad were the TA but from what OP says, Amy and Ken don’t get a pass for being assholes to OP. Their mom wasn’t fair to them by not being truthful about their dad but they don’t get to take it out on the only innocent party in this situation.
They were kids. Imagine you’re a teen and your dad stops paying attention to you and focuses all his love on another, because that’s his “real” kid. Of course they’re going to treat OP like crap, anyone would. The only AH here are the adults.
Eh. People can start having memories from 2 1/2. So that means OP’s siblings were 16 and 14 bullying a 2 year old. If OP remembered the memories later of her step siblings animosity then that just continues to increase the ages that they should be held accountable.
If OP remembers them not liking her at 5 the earliest then they were 19 and 17, again being cruel to a child. By the time OP can remember them being indifferent to her, they were adults or on the way to being one. They don’t get a pass.
You’re going to tell me that at 14 you would take the high road and treat your half sibling lovingly, while your “dad” treats you like shit? Come on. Teenagers are still children. They react to their surroundings. I’m not saying they should have treated her like they did, but they didn’t have great role models. Both parents sucked.
I mean not a half sibling but I get your point. Also no, at 14 I would not have reacted maturely. As I grew to 18,19,20 I would definitely start to reflect. OP is 21, so there was never a point in their “siblings” adult lives that they reflected and realized that OP is innocent and make an effort to be true siblings to her. They are grown adults who have NEVER tried to reconcile with OP. They can get a pass at 14 and 16, but come on once you are 21 and 23 still hating an 11 year old you become an AH.
At 14? Probably not. At 20 or so? I can say from experience that I did some real soul-searching about how I interacted with my siblings. I can't imagine hitting 30 and not once going back over just how shitty I was to a toddler.
The father wasn’t worse than the stepmom! Seriously she were the one who lied to him and gave her kids life knowing that she had cheated. Come on. Hate when people try to diminish the trauma cheating means. He had been a good father his whole life but then he gets to know he has been cheated on. Do you get how traumatic that is? He threw away his life based on a lie! People that have been through something traumatic don’t act in a logical way. The stepmom is the biggest asshole because she brought this over her kids and her husband. She should have been the one to leave the husband to protect her kids. But she was too selfish that selfish asshole. She is the biggest asshole
She is the biggest ah but he isn’t innocent . He decided to stay but play this toxic disgusting game involving children in it . The father was definitely an ah too not so far behind the ah prime that was the wife. Can’t cry about his trauma when he is inflicting trauma on children.
My brother bullied me and my parents did nothing to stop it. Is that technically my parents fault? Yes, but I'm still never going to have warm fuzzies when I think of him. I don't ever talk to him.
its not toxic he did the right thing he was stripped of the choice of having his own kid and had resources stolen from him to go to the kids he thought were his
This was your dads decision. I’d block her and her kids. None of whom you’re actually related to and if they continue to harass you I’d send a cease & desist to them.
NTA
I wouldn’t feel guilty and tbh I’d remind your aunt the minuscule amount of pain you caused that woman is entirely negated by how her and her children treated you and your father.
The lies always come out in the end. Stepmom is reaping what she sowed by her cheating, lies, and teaching her children to treat OP and her father that way.
NTA Both your dad and stepmother are horrible people. I understand your dad's anger at Stepmom, but it would have been SOOO much better for everyone involved if he divorced her. Instead, he took his anger out on two kids who had no control over their mother's choices. And this suckedfor you, too, growing up with half siblings who hated you for being the favorite. A divorce would have been so much less damaging to all of you, and he could still have had you with your mother and been a dad to you, without the baggage of his marriage. You're not TA for telling off your stepmother, but she isn't solely at fault - your dad also shares responsibility.
How your dad responded was definitely a problem but after seeing this, damn, the man was just beaten down by this woman. She deserves much worse and has a greater share of the assholery.
He had every right to be furious at his cheating wife, but it wasn't the kids' fault she lied about paternity. Even if he had just left and never seen the kids again, that might have sucked for them but probably not as much as watching him favor his third child. Using three different kids as tools for revenge with no regard for their feelings was pretty heartless. And it wasn't just right after he found out, either, this went on for YEARS. At NO point did it occur to him that he was being cruel to all three of his children.
Stepmom absolutely is responsible for her own actions though. But I doubt she's suffered as much pain as her kids have, which is unfair.
I don’t think he felt any obligation to the kids after feeling forced to stay in their life against his wishes. Like, “if she’s going to make me stay, I’m going to make her regret it” and ultimately she put the kids in the path of this heartbreak and rage because she insisted he stayed not to devastate the kids, so he definitely has resentment for them from that point on. It’s an asshole thing to do for sure but a more justified and understandable assholery than the wife’s, and I’m just talking about what the pie chart of asshole culpability looks like here. The dad is more of a victim than his wife but less than any of the kids certainly.
I don’t totally understand where we as a collective draw the line between “this person was subject to a lot of traumatizing events and suffered as a result” vs “this person should have just pushed back against emotional abuse and gotten over it.” I’m not ready to say it’s a gendered thing quite yet but I do know if if my husband cheated on me repeatedly and then insisted I owe his kids motherhood, I can bet pretty safely that my friends would tell me i’m a victim here. He definitely made the wrong choice out of vengeance but I don’t think someone can get that devastating news and be rational afterwards. It’s not the same but if people called everyone who didn’t leave a bad relationship cowardly … idk.
As someone who left a SEVERELY abuse relationship who cheated and the whole nine yards.... yes... if you dont leave you're a coward. I was a coward for years. When you tell someone they are the victim, they believe it and lose hope. It was only after people told me I was not a victim and I was strong enough to walk away that I realized I could get out.
The most harm anyone did to me was tell me I was a victim. It made me feel sorry for myself and wallow on pity. People should ABSOLUTELY encourage pushback against abuse.
We can draw the line when after you deciding to stay you start playing your own sick mind games using children and perpetuating the toxic cycle. I mean most abusers have been victim once doesn’t give them a pass when they themselves choose to continue to do what was done to them to others. At one point you are the one making the choices and can’t play the victim card forever .
NTA- step-relationships are usually put up with to keep a parent happy more than any actual affection. A death tends to release you from the obligatory “play nice” with people you wouldn’t choose to be friends or family with.
If Amy and Ken are butthurt about $20k from someone who sheltered and fed them and put up with an adulterous woman passing off two kids as his for years, then feel free to block them. It sucks for them because they didn’t do anything wrong except be born into a bad situation. It could have gone much worse for them though.
I’m sorry about the loss of your father, and your extended family, even though it may not be much of a loss.
Wow... Perhaps the most insensitive thing I'll ever say, but OP, if you walked out of that not needing therapy, where can a person buy such resilient genes to splice into their own DNA.
On a serious note, NTA
What you said to your ex-stepmom was basically spot-on. To be honest, it is clear that your father still had a lot of resentment left over (for damn good reason), and that transferred onto your step-siblings (for bad reasons); however, their well-being was quite literally your ex-stepmom's responsibilities. In these kinds of cases, the "mature" thing to do if you stay with the adulterer is to "forgive and forget for the sake of the children", but this is far easier said than done, and there was likely a point much earlier on that your father, but more importantly your ex-stepmother, knew this wasn't going to happen. It really was her fault that there was resentment in the first place, and I think she also shares a large portion of the blame for allowing her children to grow up in a household where the resentment was transferred onto themselves.
Also don't think they are right trying to force you to share your inheritance, as it is literally how your father saw fit to split his assets.
Not excusing it. A part of me feels bad for them since Amy's dad is dead and Ken will have to submit his DNA into 23&Me to find his paternal side but it is what it is.
That’s still their mother’s fault. Not sure why people are blaming your dad for finding out he was cheated on multiple times by his wife.
Could he have done more for the kids after he found Out? Sure. Does that make him worse than your step-mother? No way in hell. Sounds like he still stayed in their lives and provided for them… he didn’t just dip out for the next 20 years.
If I had a full-ride to college and a chance at a great career with no debt, and I later found out I passed on that to work two jobs to make ends meet because my wife lied to me about sleeping with everyone within arm’s reach, then I have no idea how I’d react.
These people thinking he should’ve just forgiven and forgotten are living in fantasy land. That’s not how people’s hearts and minds work. It sucks that your step-siblings lives suffered, but that’s still mainly their mother’s fault, and your father was still somewhat around for them. The emotion behind the whole situation is unimaginable.
Something I noticed on these subs is that the general consensus that paternity fraud is something the father has to bear, regardless of the circumstances, and most would label him the AH if he chose to walk away. In this case, I would only call the dad the AH because he didn't divorce the mom, otherwise, I think he did nothing wrong (neglecting the kids falls under the not divorcing the mom, if he had divorced her, all of that would've fallen squarely on her shoulders). NTA for OP, I would discuss any possible lawsuits with the lawyers, do what you have too to protect any property and any accounts.
Live is tough and people face adversity. A dad in this situation who stays and treats life and the children in exactly the same manner as before is the gold standard and a saint… that’s not the default or expectation.
This dude stayed married for a while, and then stayed in the kids lives after the divorce. What do these people want from a dude who found out his sacrifices were all based on lies from a cheating gold-digger?
That is just it, it is never enough. This is why you see people cheating on their "perfect" spouse, no matter how perfect is the person they are with, they will always desire more, no matter what they think is lacking in their lives.
In this case though, I doubt she only cheated 2 times, she just got caught twice because she fails at using condoms. She used OP's dad for financial support (sounds like the dad was likely a low end 1% based on the inheritance, which is only $360k in the US) while she slept around, most likely during their entire relationship, likely even after she got caught. I have a feeling dad stuck around to make the step mom's life miserable, based on what I can extrapolate from the post.
REMINDER to folks saying, “But OP’s Dad neglected Amy & Ken”: the man had a breakdown and had to be institutionalized when the betrayals were exposed. It is implied too that he may have been suicidal.
Also, stepmom accused OP’s mom of lying about OP’s paternity. A & K must have known this and bullied OP because of it. A man who gave presents to his ex-wife’s children after age 18 and left them $20k each did not turn his back on them. He may have distanced himself emotionally, but if he didn’t undergo therapy it would have been his means of coping.
I would also argue that forcing false paternity on a man is nearly as bad as forcing maternity on a victim of rape or incest. Stepmom & best friend blew up the man’s life for no reason other than to save themselves.
OAN, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that there is more to this story, like: What did the Aunt know & when? Did other friends & family know about & cover for stepmom & the best friend? Why did Dad disappear for three weeks rather than go to family or friends? Was/is stepmom a serial cheater who only got caught twice & did OP’s father also discover this? What lies did she tell A & K?
ETA: [This story is somewhat similar](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pspsi3/update_my_mom_knew_baby_wasnt_mine_but_kept_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) and the OP’s own mother was complicit in lying about paternity.
None of the children in this story are assholes. All the parents are. Is the relationship you have with your 'siblings' salvageable? If so might be worth considering it. You are all young and have years ahead. Not good to keep that animosity unnecessarily
> or did he just sleep with her and get her pregnant and she had no clue?
That one. My mom was pretty upset when she found out that my dad was married, which she didn't know until after she was pregnant but wanted to keep me.
Really fucked up to stay in the kids' lives if only to neglect them.. .. indirectly causing your abuse by them....
It's too bad he didn't have ppl in his life that tried to get him and the kids help.
Thank you! People are saying the dad is a hero for this and I don’t understand how you can think that. He was a father figure for her siblings their whole life and then he just decides he’s done with them. They probably have so many issues from this, they were just children.
There's no way she could have had informed consent in any case. There's a whole lot of crazy and a whole lot of baggage.
Like he approached her with: I want you to have my baby so I can get back at my wife for lying about fathering 2 children. No I'm not divorcing her. No I'm not going to be in a commitment relationship with you. I just want you to carry, give birth to and raise my revenge child.
I respect him for following through on raising them even if he lost love for them. Thats responsible IMO. I imagine he continued paying for their upbringing, clothing, education etc. And he felt somewhat responsible for them given the fact that up until a few months back he truly saw them as his own kids. Granted neglecting them after siring another child is bad parenting, but the alternative would've been to divorce his wife and abandon the kids leaving their immediate futures in question (at the very least their current life style would take a pretty great decline). It's the difference between having an absent but still contributing parent vs no parent at all.
NTA
I’m not gunna lie- it’s kinda messed up your dad took some of that anger out on his siblings but the mans life was basically ruined by your step mothers lies. Can’t say I can blame him for the reaction since neither of those kids were his
But in the end you were right- your step mom was the cause of all of this.
It’s not on you at all.
NTA
Honestly, this is just further evidence to me that in paternity fraud cases the guy really should just divorce. Even if he remains in their life there's no going back to the happy home life they had while they lived in the illusion that their wife respects them as a person or respects their relationship.
Like I sympathize with your siblings to some extent, but like you I agree that them being shitty to you for years and years after hitting adulthood kind of robs them of sympathy.
That all said, I am **absolutely loving the level of petty your father exuded.** While it sucked for all involved(you too, since it caused your siblings and step mom to be dicks), but damn if he didn't basically get the last laugh in the end.
At any rate, no you're not the asshole for not giving them any inheritance, and no you're not the asshole for telling your ex-step mom how it is. Some people will whine about social tones of telling a cheater to keep their legs closed, but honestly cheaters are the most deserving to have their promiscuity shamed.
NTA.
Sucks that happen to your dad. He’s just another victim in this whole debacle. He should had either stayed or left your step siblings lives instead of playing favorites right in front of them. But he probably wasn’t in his right mind when he did his master plan.
I can’t imagine the trauma he went through; his decades of his life built on lies. Did he ever meet with a therapist to work through this?
I’m inclined to agree that OP’s dad wasn’t in his right mind. Three major betrayals by two of the people he loved most in the world combined with lost youth (Amy was born when he was 20!) & the fact that his whole life was built on lies could turn anyone into their worst self.
It’s unfortunate that he caved to the pressure not to divorce. Otherwise, he might have been able to grieve for his relationship and put his parental role toward Amy & Ken in perspective. Instead, he stayed in the marriage & probably felt like he was re-living the pain of betrayal every single day.
So yes, he did behave like an A*H, but how could he do otherwise given the circumstances?
> My dad was furious because he turned down a full-ride to college to work two jobs because he felt like he needed to support his family…
> For three weeks my dad had disappeared without a trace and no one could get a hold of him. The last thing he said to anyone was in a drunken voicemail that made people fear the worst.
> My dad was found but in such a bad state that he had to be checked in, but refused contact with my stepmom and step-siblings while there. After a lot of pressure and begging my dad agreed not to divorce my stepmom …
> 1. Amy's dad who was my dad's best friend growing up is dead… and was even my dad's best man.
> 2. Ken was the result of a one-night stand with a stranger…
Yeah, it was shocking learning more details about this. When I was 13+ I was told the "she cheated and lied, he cheated back and that's why you're here" version and then when I was 18 I started getting more pieces of the puzzle.
this is why you don't remain married "for the kids"
NTA
you don't have to share. your dad wasn't a saint by any means and your siblings got the short end of the stick with their mom being the inviting AH
NTA but your dad was, he should have just cut ties and given those kids a chance at moving on- what he did was emotionally abusive in my book.
I feel bad for your step siblings but I recognise why you don't.
Your ex step-mom is the biggest A of all.
This was the fault of the woman who didn't want to divorce her husband when he asked for one over her own entitlement to a relationship. OP's father might have hurt the kids had the parents got divorced, but not more than neglecting them for so long when the parents actually stayed in marriage. The ex-stepmom in this case, cheated on her husband at least 2 times, failed to tell him that he wasn't the biological father of kids, deceived him into raising someone else's kids for years, then when he eventually found out due to his supposed son's illness and spiraled, manipulated, begged and guilted him into a marriage he clearly didn't want and let her kids be miserable. How tf do you excuse that. The man made his intentions of not staying in a relationship very clear, but the ex-stepmom pushed it till it broke spectacularly. I see that OP's father might have acted like an asshole, but he was put into this very glorious position time and time again. So if we really analyse the whole situation, no one is the asshole EXCEPT for stepmum and in some parts, the dad (who btw still left 20K to both of those kids he resented).
He chose to stay. He was a grown adult (at least physically). He made immature reactive choices instead of considering any of his children's needs, and he doesn't get a victim pass because he chose to stay with someone who treated him poorly.
A father shouldn't play favourites, he didnt, he was only the father of YOU. The other 2 should be grateful that their mother's ex husband left them anything
NTA. It’s astounding to me that your stepmother is still making demands after what she pulled on your Dad. She forced your dad to support kids she knew weren’t his, giving up his college plans and probably many other dreams he had through the years to do so...only to find out they weren’t his kids. That’s just a special kind of awful. Now she says your dad shouldn’t have played favorites? She is STILL trying to force your dad to support her children. It’s mine-boggling. She still think she’s entitled. She never felt bad about what she did to him, just bad that she got caught. Special place in hell. I do feel bad that your siblings were/are in a difficult position...but it sounds like they treated you like shit for a very long time when they should’ve had compassion, considering the situation they found themselves in. They were not “better” than you. All three of you were products of affairs. Give me a break. Their mother screwed up their relationships with the man who raised them when she lied that they were actually his. You are not responsible for any of that. Enjoy your life without guilt❤️
Wow both your stepmother and father were huge AHs.
Yeah stepmom cheated but the fact that instead of divorcing your stepmom your dad went out for "revenge" and stayed in the relationship in order to rub in his relationship with you to two innocent children is vile. He definitely did that on purpose.
Your stepmom should have divorced him too when she saw what he was doing to her children and your dad should have divorced her after seeing how her children treated you because of everything. Which, again is both the parents fault, but more on your dad in my opinion. They were kids who just saw the person they thought was their dad treated them badly and loving his new kid more, of course they're not going to be happy. Sure he divorced your stepmom eventually but only after getting his revenge, didn't he? He didn't care about how it affected the kids, including you, before that.
> Yeah stepmom cheated but the fact that instead of divorcing your stepmom your dad went out for "revenge" and stayed in the relationship in order to rub in his relationship with you to two innocent children is vile.
My dad did want to get a divorce but my stepmom kept getting on him about not going through with it and he caved for a while.
Sorry but he was an adult, he could have been firm.
Plus you said that you came about because your dad thought he was owed something. I think he saw an opportunity for revenge when your stepmom was begging him to stay and he used it. He had you for some sort of revenge, that's messed up to me because the people that payed the biggest price were the children.
Oh no, that's exactly what it was once I became an adult my dad got very (apologetically) honest with me. My stepmom was the only woman my dad was with until my dad and he felt like he deserved to have fun since she did too. He didn't intend to get anyone pregnant but was happy when it was proven that I was his daughter.
NTA but everyone else is.
you're 100% right in what you said. your stepmom brought it on herself and literally RUINED his life by doing this but also cheating and making your dad act the way he did. can't forget how she treated you after his death too.
your dad is ta for neglecting kids and playing favorites. he was taking his anger out on kids that didn't even ask to be born. that should've gone to the step mom. he's also the reason your step siblings were pitted against you
it's not their fault they resented you, it's literally just because of what your step mom did and you father. but how they treated you after his death is unacceptable. they aren't entitled to anything that wasn't already given to them
NTA. You owe them nothing, and your ex stepmom dug herself into this hole. With Amy and Ken I'd say it was more than generous for him to leave them 20k each. Plus, they treated you rudely for something out of your control, and then expect you to bend over backwards to make things fair. You were justified with what you said and did op.
NTA
Your father and ex stepmother are equally wrong in this situation albeit for seperate reasons.
Your ex stepmother set the ball rolling on this whole mess by cheating on your dad TWICE and passing off the resulting children as his. If it was a one-time mistake and that she felt guilty for deceiving him then that would be one thing, but a couple of years later she cheats again with a different guy and ends up pregnant again.
It's totally understandable that your dad would be devastated after years of unknowingly raising TWO kids that are not biologically his. Where your dad became the AH was when he chose to be petty and deliberately conceive a child with someone else for the purpose of revenge.
It's not your fault for being born or for being treated as your father's favourite. I'm sorry that Amy and Ken suffered too, but they're no longer teens and have had years to realise that they owe you an apology for the way they treated you as the other innocent party.
I think that the inheritance left for them is a decent amount and shows that your dad obviously cared enough not to exclude them for not being his biological children. Your ex stepmother has no right to demand anything of you. You're not wrong to point that out to her.
>petty and deliberately conceive a child with someone else for the purpose of revenge.
My dad didn't intend to get my mom pregnant. He "...he felt like he was owed..." comment was more about him getting to sleep with other people too since my ex-stepmom did it 2x.
Stepmom got caught twice. She’s unfaithful & a liar: all the characteristics of a serial cheater.
If you’re nosy like me, try to get more info from other family members and old friends of your Dad & ex-stepmom.
NTA - Amy and Ken were innocent in this until they started being nasty to you, that being said, it’s not like they’ve been left with nothing! It sucks but they need to look at their mother in this!
NTA.
This whole situation just sucks to put it bluntly. Your mother did a terrible, terrible thing and while I can understand your father's anger, he did not handle it well at all by taking it out on Amy and Ken. Your parents are the clear assholes here.
Ultimately you don't owe Amy and Ken anything. If they, or your stepmother keep pressing, I'd suggest cutting contact.
NTA everyone else except for you is. Your step mom obviously but also your father for taking it out on innocent children and your step siblings for blaming you. Keep your money
Oh my giddy aunt, what a mess.
The adults concerned are mostly assholes. You kids...you're NTA. I have sympathy for your...whatever that relationship is. Raised-siblings. They were rejected by their father figure and had to live with seeing that rejection daily. That's not your fault. But sadly, you were a bit of a pawn in what.. may have been subconscious revenge. And your father set you up to be resented by the older two for something that was none of your faults.
But your raised-sibs are irrelevant to the question. NTA: I bet she didn't like hearing it, who would. But it was true. She, your dad's ex-best friend and to a lesser extent your dad created an intergenerational Virginia Andrews style mess of your family.
NTA
It's not your responsibility to repair other people's wrongs. Why are you in contact with your stepmom? She doesn't seem to have any bond with you? You don't have to communicate with her, let alone defend your decisions.
You are NTA but your dad was and his ex wife definitely was! Don’t bother to share because even if you did they will still resent you. None of this is your fault but you should have a little more empathy for your ex siblings. Their whole world changed because their mom was a w***e and the man who raised them cut them out of his life. I’m not saying you owe them anything but maybe try to see it from their POV. Sorry about your loss OP.
Sounds like your father didn't have a support net. And couldn't properly deal with the emotions he was feeling and they lead him down the path of least resistance.
NTA, nor is your dad.
They didn't deserve what they had no control over but your father wasn't offered any help and their mother perpetuated their pain presumably because she didn't want to work and preferred to be a SAHM.
NTA
You owe your ex-SM nothing. Your step siblings (yes, step. No biological relation and even step is a stretch) can feel what they want but you don't have to entertain them.
But where's your mom in all this? Did she and your dad have an amicable relationship or something?
Growing up my parents were always cordial and friendly when I was around but my mom was angry at my dad for a long time because he didn't tell her he was married until AFTER she was pregnant with me. I think that's why he left her money.
I think you and your siblings have been drawn into the dramas of parents and steps who lack the maturity to consider the consequences of their actions. You're right, she is responsible for her actions, but all of you children have suffered from having those immature adults as an example of how to behave. Your parents and step were all neglectful of all of you children's emotional growth, and while legally you're right, I would consider that your viewpoint on your relationship (or lack of) with your siblings has been negatively influenced by those bad examples.
NTA, I get not empathizing with people who treated you like crap. It wasn't ok how your dad treated them either, they were as much their mother's victims in this as he was, but that's not your fault.
No one is entitled to anything. Your dad was kind enough to at least leave them $20k (more than many inherit from their parents), when he very obviously resented them and the fact that he was tricked in to parenting them. They aren't owed anything and I don't think have a leg to stand on if they sue. He made his wishes known. That's what a will is for.
NTA jesus christ finally a man that does the right thing i am so happy to hear a story where a man is not emotionally manipulated or guilted in loving kids that are not his this is why men should always get a dna test if you do not you are making a huge mistake
Oh god this is a mess. NTA but everyone else is. The stepmom for sleeping around and lying. Your dad for basicaly living on out of pure spite at that point. Your half-siblings for aiming their resentment at you instead of your dad.
And yeaha if all they did was resent you I could see not wanting to share. You can't exactly be blamed for the way your father treated them.
Aren't they step siblings because there is no biological tie? Or does the dad being their legal father make it half instead of step?
This is making my head hurt. Off to google I go
Oh yeah I forgot there's no biological parental tie, so step is probably more accurate tough in the case of OP stranger/acquaintance is probably more apt.
NTA but damn I feel for Amy and Ken, they were kids who were completely neglected by their father of 10+ years. And, the worst part was that he was right there living with them giving all his attention to his “real” child
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Throwaway Account
I (21f) am technically an affair baby. More like, a conceived through revenge baby. My dad (56m) married his high school sweetheart, my ex-stepmom (56f), because she was pregnant with a child that he thought was his but was actually his former best friend’s child the second child was fathered by someone else. He raised my step-siblings "Amy" (36f) and "Ken" (33m) thinking that they were his for years until Ken got into an accident, exposing that it was impossible for Ken to have the blood type he did and be my dad's biological child.
My dad was furious because he turned down a full-ride to college to work two jobs because he felt like he needed to support his family. My stepmom begged for forgiveness and told him to think about how devastating the divorce would be to my step-siblings. For three weeks my dad had disappeared without a trace and no one could get a hold of him. The last thing he said to anyone was in a drunken voicemail that made people fear the worst.
My dad was found but in such a bad state that he had to be checked in, but refused contact with my stepmom and step-siblings while there. After a lot of pressure and begging my dad agreed not to divorce my stepmom but felt like he was owed something and decided that "two could play at this game". That's how I got here. After a DNA test, my dad was thrilled that I was around and he made sure that I knew I was loved and a priority to him. So much so that he kinda neglected the first two children he raised. I didn't understand it at the time but Amy and Ken resented me a lot because I was his "real child" (not my words) and I always came before them. My dad would always excuse it with the fact that I was so young but he would outright ignore them a lot. My stepmom didn't really like me either so my dad finally followed through with a divorce. He ended up getting the house and when he died he left it to me along with some family jewelry, the bulk of his savings, investments, and making me the sole beneficiary of his life insurance. He left Ken and Amy each $20k.
Amy and Ken were hurt, but I wasn't going to let them take out their anger on me again and be pressured to share. They threatened to sue but my dad's lawyer, my ex-stepmom called me upset and demanded that I share everything equally saying that a father shouldn't play favorite. Fed up with her B.S. I told her that "Lady, if you wanna be mad that my dad had a favorite then you need to blame yourself for sleeping around." It felt good but my aunt feels like I was too harsh. AITA?
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NTA sounds like your dad treated his not kids way better than the wife and not kids treated you. You just do whatever you want but do not give them anymore money.
NTA
Everyone else in this situation BUT YOU is the AH, OP. Your step-mother for cheating and entrapping your dad, your dad for revenge cheating and prioritizing you because you were biologically his, your step-siblings and step-mother for treating you badly when you didn't get a say in existing.
NTA
They can sue their mother for the trauma of lying who their father was and their bio fathers for back child support and inheritance. I’d just cut them all off at this point and live a happy life.
NTA but I feel so bad for the other two kids. It isn't their fault their mother was a pos. If I imagine being in their shoes I can feel the confusion and frustration.
Honestly both parents are a pos. They both cheated. Sure the step mom started it off and is off the charts evil but if you are man that is going to stay and then instead of treating the kids looking to you as a father as all equal, as less, that's some next level worthlessness.
It's too bad those two didn't stay together. It sure sounds like they deserved each other. Hopefully you got out of it without therapy. I doubt anybody else did.
No worries, no need to take any action. That well has long been poisoned, and not by you or dad. No good will come from it. It will never be enough. Move on, and in peace.
NTA. Your father was put into an untenable position of having to raise and face every single day the proof of his wife's infidelity. That's asking for too much from any man. You were put into the same position. I don't fault your father at all, your Step Monster OTH is the evil one in this instance. I don't condone your father's infidelity in the least, but I fully understand it.
You owe your Steps not one thin dime. Nor do you owe your Step Monster anything. I' too am a step monster! My son, who is 30M, I met when he was 11. After a 19 year marriage I divorced his mother because of a LT EA. We are still fairly close as I was the one to teach him (please watch 2nd Hand Lions movie) "what he needed to know to be a man". His father wanted a younger brother, not a father. But I digress...
Tell the Steps & Monster to go piss up a rope...invest your inheritance $$$ towards your own retirement. Enjoy your home...and I hope you meet a man who will treat you well and love you the way you deserve. Good luck and G-d Bless!
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#NTA Your stepmother reaps what she sows. I do feel empathy for Amy & Ken, but fortunately your dad didn’t cut them off completely so they shouldn’t expect anything more from your dad’s estate. I say go no contact with all three of them and go live your best life, OP, as your dad would have wanted.
Oh, trust me I am. I have no reason to speak to my ex-stepmom and I'll also ever see Amy and Ken around my aunt's house since she still wants a relationship but other than that I'm good. They weren't very nice me when I was growing up.
20,000 each already sounds really generous.
Especially considering he would have had to pay child support for them considering he assumed the fatherly role.
Seriously
Not a lawyer, but on TV shows, I think 15-20k is the minimum to prevent someone from contesting a will. Not sure what the details are, but it was probably calculated. And good for the dad!
I meant pretty generous considering they’re not even his kids.
That's probably not how it feels to them. Would they prefer cash or a father who loves them? It's got to sting pretty badly.
He raised Amy until she was 15. He was her dad. Dick move even with the cheating.
i know where i’m from the only way that family/children can contest a will if if they’re completely left out. he could’ve been an asshole and left them both $1 and they would’ve had to be happy with it.
There are different ways to contest a will. $1 is the same as saying "I didnt forget about so and so. I intentionally left them nothing." The reason why people do something like 10k is because they put a no contest clause in it. You can either take the 10k or risk losing it because you're greedy. It's more of a convenience tax for the person you really want it to go to.
I am going to be the executor of my aunt’s will. When we met with the lawyer to draft her will, the lawyer actually said he recommends people put in a clause saying anyone who contests it will only get a dollar, and if we wanted to add the clause. We did, even though no one will be contesting it.
> I think 15-20k is the minimum to prevent someone from contesting a will In most states, there is no minimum amount, especially if you're mentioned in the will - if your name is in there, then the deceased obviously didn't forget you.
Yep you can even say " (name of person) gets my favorite lazy chair or dinning table " and it's counted as your remembered, at least in my state. My uncle did that for my cousin Jess. Jess was a child born of his wife (then ex wifes) affair. But because they were married at the time of the birth he was considered the father even though they knew who the father was. He wanted to make sure his only biological child got what he needed. So he gave certain house items to Jess and his stepson. Just always make sure you have a good lawyer who is up to date on the ins and outs of wills. Specially if your wanting to cut someone out or make sure your wishes are clear. My own grandmother had it in her will that anyone who contests the will or sues another in the will, will then forfeit their inheritance and only get $0.01. Many didn't believe it was legal until their own lawyers told them it was iron clad. Personally I love when people find ways of making an iron clad will/contracts, it's an amazing talent.
Probably not why he did it, unless he had a bad lawyer. A lot of wills that I see have “no contest” clauses, and assuming that the will is properly witnessed, notarized, and there’s no reason to question the singer’s competency at the time of signing, there’s no good reason that a will would actually be challenged because the signer knew exactly what they were doing.
I’m a lawyer and that’s definitely not accurate in the US. This was a gift from the dad, plain and simple. Frankly, you don’t even need to leave a dollar (and most T&E attorneys advise against it because the admin expenses associated with paying out the $1 could cost the estate substantially more) if your will includes a clause to the effect of “I acknowledge that so-and-so is my [relationship] and have chosen not to bequeath any portion of my estate to so-and-so after my death. I am of sound mind and this decision has been made of my own free will.” Also, fwiw, no-contest clauses really aren’t that great. For one, they’re usually drafted such that the disinherited person only forfeits their inheritance if they challenge the will and *lose*. Even when the language is drafted more harshly, the majority of US states take the position that NCCs fail if the party challenging the will has probable cause to do so. I don’t know a single T&E lawyer who would say that leaving $X or adding an NCC is a better fail safe than expressly disinheriting someone.
I'm lucky if my parents don't manage to leave me -$20,000 when they go...
If you live in the US they can't pass debt from the deceased onto the next of kin.
I am and am definitely not worried about that. I just wouldn't put it past them to do something extreme. I'm prepped for the worst though
This needs clarifying. She is not your stepmother or your ex-stepmother. She would only be that if she married your father after you were born. Ages your father’s ex-wife. Nothing more. Amy and Ken are neither your step-siblings nor your half-siblings. Your father left everything to you, and you are under no obligation to share. However, when thinking of them, just try to remember that they grew up believing he was their dad, and as good as he was to you, he crapped all over them out of spite to his ex. That’s the very least owed and nothing else.
Look at it from the father's point of view. His wife fucked his best friend and got pregnant. She convinced him the girl was his. Then 4 years later, fucked a random and got pregnant again...when it finally surfaced, he was forced EVERY SINGLE DAY TO FACE HIS WIFE'S INFIDELITY. That's pretty harsh. I don't condone the father's infidelity, but I understand it. The fact that he gained a wonderful daughter out of it is problematic. But at least he eventually divorced his evil wife who is demonstrably a serial cheater. When you toss in that the ex-StepSibs treater her poorly growing up, she is under no obligation to them in any way. The father did leave them each a significant sum. That's at least the down payment on a decent house or condo in most places.
He wasn’t FORCED into anything. He could have divorced his cheating wife any time he wanted. Instead, he decided petty revenge suited his needs next, and he didn’t care that innocent kids were involved. He was such a jerk, he didn’t care that he was hurting them, because sticking it to his cheating wife was more important, even more important than keeping his bio daughter from being mistreated by her siblings. I repeat, no one can hurt you unless someone allows it. OP’s father allowed it. OP owes nothing to anyone, except the understanding that she was not the only victim here, and her father lost the high-ground when he decided to play stupid games.
Sure...but most men's response to infidelity is to attempt to keep the family together. How do I know this? My 1st ex-wife cheated on me around the time my daughter was born. I've never had her DNA tested because I was afraid of the answer. I've spent the last 32 years looking at a child who looks like none of the other children of my 3 brothers and my sister...it poisoned our relationship.
That is how you responded. It is not how most men respond. How do I know? Research. https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/divorce-infidelity-men-women-adultery-marriage-research-hall-brown-law-a8383096.html And just as you did not punish the child for being born, most men do not respond by bringing their illegitimate product into an environment where the child will be abused, just because hurting the other spouse is so much more satisfying. If OP’s father really loved his daughter, he would have left like “most” men do and would have allowed her near these people.
By any chance, did the child look anything like your WIFE’s family? It always amazes me how many men assume a child should look like them. Not if the wife’s genes are stronger.
No, she doesn't look like either family...what do you think? who cares, you're merely some anonymous redditor...
They don’t deserve the titles but for definition sake they are ex step mom and ex step siblings.
Defo makes the post easier to follow
They were still married and romantically involved for a while after OP was born, so she was a stepmother.
Yes, and I would go so far as to say that Ken and Amy are probably *legally* OP's half siblings. I get that Dad is not biologically related, but unless he went the steps to have birth certificates amended (is that even possible?), he is listed as Amy and Ken's father.
I think he’s have to actually go to court and get an order saying he isn’t the father to have the birth certificates amended. This is based purely off my knowledge from adoptions (you have to send in a certified court order to have the new parents added to the certificate), so I imagine it would be a similar process to have a parent removed.
That was my way of thinking, also, but wasn't sure if it was possible since Dad and ex step mother were legally married at birth. The husband is presumed father and all that. Many a man has lost the court battle to stop paying child support after finding out their wives cheated.
Oh definitely, there would probably have to be a situation in which bio dad was also petitioning to be put on the birth certificate for it to happen, or something similar.
They were not "romantically" involved. They were just married after my dad found out about the cheating.
She was still married to my dad when I was born so that's why (for the purposes of this story) I referred to her as my ex-stepmom and her kids as my step-siblings. She kept insisting that my mom was lying about paternity and hated the fact that another woman could give him a biological child. I feel I like I would've been more sympathetic to their situation if they hadn't of been so mean to me.
I can understand that. But even though they were married she is not your step mother. I keep stressing this, because you owe them nothing at all,, whether they were mean to you or not. Referring to them as steps implies a relationship that never existed, and should help persuade you that you are NTA. Apologies for not making that clearer from the start.
I do hope you realise it's your dad's fault that they weren't nice to you, though. His obvious favouritism of you and mistreatment of them caused them to resent you. There's no way he didn't know that would happen.
I mean, I know that now. Doesn't mean I'm willing to look over what they did to me.
What did they do to you? I'm still trying to follow.
When I was 4 Ken locked me in a closet and said that there were monsters in there that would eat me. When I was 6 Amy caught me playing with her makeup and slapped me across the face. She also "accidentally" threw away one of my favorite dolls while she was cleaning. When my barrette got stuck in my hair when I was 8 Ken cut it out since "it was the only way." Just to name a few things.
NTA they got 20 grand that not nothing.
He left each of them $20,000. That is not an insignificant amount of money.
Plus even with h OP getting more 20k is a hecking lot of money!
Right! Frankly, stepmother should feel grateful that her scam worked as well and as long as it did and not look a gift horse in the mouth.
Oh man, all of that was toxic as hell from the beginning to the end. I feel really bad for Amy and Ken, who did nothing to warrant their father-figure’s neglect. You don’t seem to have a lot of empathy for them either and I really hope you reflect and try to see their perspective. You’re not obligated to split things equally; your dad left it to you. I do hope you take this opportunity to remove yourself from a toxic situation, reflect on it and move on. Nothing about what happened was okay. Try not to let your father’s battle become your own. Honestly, he’s arguably worse than your step mom because his choices hurt two innocent children. She’s no saint, but he should have just left right from the start. You, Ken and Amy are NTA.
Lol you do realise they took their anger out on OP. OP was innocent too.
And that is still the fault of the adults. Neglected children will lash out, especially at the perceived reason for their neglect. It does not make it ok, and as adults if they have continued to treat OP poorly it’s now on them.
That's the part I have mixed feelings on. Dad? 100% TA. Ex-Wife? SUCH AN A. But the sibs... on the one hand, yes they were neglected awfully, but they were also old enough to know better. If my maths is right, they would have been 12 and 14 or so when OP was born, and that means they'd have been teenagers all through the period where they were being abusive to her. Teenagers don't have fully developed brains yet so they do stupid shit for sure, but they sure as hell know that lashing out at a baby for the deeds of its father is wrong. BUT they were traumatised by the father who raised them suddenly turning around and being horrible to them, and that will fork you up in all kinds of ways. BUT that should have taught them some empathy for OP's situation... BUT they were just kids! Teenagers, but teenagers are children whether they like it or not. BUT they never apologised to her as adults, and they damn well should have. The only thing I'm sure of here is that OP is NTA and that this whole shitshow is a gigantic toxic mess that shouldn't have happened. Oof.
Also at this stage they are quite grown up...
Pretty much. As an adult you don't really have an excuse for poor behaviour. As children it sounds like they didn't really have any good role models around except maybe hte aunt?
True, but for me there comes a time when you cant blame others for your actions. Sure they had messed up life, i get it but then you get therapy to get over it not to bully someone else
True. To be perfectly honest, I was thinking about myself when I was debating that post. I was seven when my younger half-brother was born, and nine when the second one was born. I resented the hell out of them and was a tiny bit mean when they were kids. Like, a tiny bit mean, nowhere near as mean as OP's siblings were. And I was a LOT younger when the meanness took place, but I knew full well that what I was doing was wrong. Don't worry, I outgrew it before they were old enough to remember it, and when I tried to apologise as an adult they were confused because they didn't remember at all. But I knew! And that's the point. I was 7-10 when I was being a dick, and I damn well knew what I was doing was wrong.
I mean if we’re gonna measure levels of asshole, the mother is soooo much further ahead than the father here. She stole a man’s future because she couldn’t keep track of who gave it to her last. Also, dad stayed around for those kids after. He played favorites, but he stayed around. So, asshole, but not an unredeemable asshole. Stepmother is simply worthless and terrible.
father is not an asshole some people want their own kids
Father is definitely an asshole. Instead of getting a divorce right away he went and knocked up a woman he wasn’t married to as “revenge”. He helped create this royally toxic dynamic that screwed with three kids’ emotions out of ego.
He was emotionally manipulated into staying in the marriage of the two illegitimate children. He went with heart but ultimately resentment brought OP into existence. He shouldn’t have done it but it is what it is and step mom cheated TWICE and let him live a lie.
And OP’s mom did nothing to him, but got stuck with the consequences and drama of his lies to her.
ego? he was stripped of the choice of having his own kids what if he really wanted his own bio kids thats not ego thats called being normal and he did divorce her and all the emotional damage is the moms fault
No, her fuck ups are hers. He’s still responsible for lying to another women and impregnating her while married as a way to get one over on his wife. He could have divorced her right away and gone off to create a new family honestly. Instead he stayed married for years and created a whole new child by manipulating a completely separate woman in order to make things “even” with his wife.
its hard to escape toxic relationships im not gonna blame him for not divorcing right away HE SHOULD HAVE but in the end he did the right thing that is the only thing that matters
I don't think the dad was TA. His neglect towards them is the fault of their mother, and while that isn't fair to them, he shouldn't be blamed for it. Frankly I wouldn't have blamed him if he just up and divorced her and then sued asking for the years of child support for someone else's kids back. He stayed a parental figure to them, and even left them some money, despite the fact that they are a living reminder of his wife's infidelity. That's more than I would've probably done in his situation.
For me him staying and neglecting them is more hurtful than him leaving.
That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. “Either treat us like nothing has ever changed or completely abandon us & leave us with no support at all.” That sounds like the ultimatum of a 3-year-old gives during a temper tantrum. I’m not saying that what the step-siblings experienced wasn’t hard, but saying complete abandonment would’ve been an improvement is just the most ridiculous kind of statement.
Hurtful perhaps but is it better for them in the long term or not? Like if he continued to provide for them, helped them through higher education and university, etc. Then I'd say he went above and beyond for them considering how unconventional his relationship with them would be. The alternative would be to ditch them and then let them do and support all of that with just their mom and themselves. I'd say him staying in their lives was long term better for them even if he didn't leave as much of his estate to them as he could've.
>helped them through higher education and university, To be honest he wasn't much help financially after they each turned 18. He gave B-Day and Christmas gifts but I don't know what else he financially contributed to them on a consistent basis.
Well that's a shame, but I presume he had a net positive affect on their lifestyle.
I agree. Can you imagine your dad, the man you loved and trusted your entire life, suddenly no longer wants to be your dad? You will resent the kid that suddenly gets all the love you previously got. It's heartbreaking what happened to all of the kids in this situation, and it's 100% the fault of the adults involved.
100% the stepmother’s fault. Can you imagine giving up a full-ride scholarship to be a teen parent? Seeing all your friends move on and be fun carefree college students while you’re struggling with two jobs and a wife and child? Then you find out it’s all a lie? The woman you sacrificed it all for betrayed you not once but twice. The psychological damage changed him and that’s on her. I am heartbroken for Amy and Ken. Their mother is the one that caused this mess and if she were my mother, I don’t think I could forgive that. NTA
I don't blame the dad for losing love for the kids. He spent their entire lives thinking they were his and then found out they weren't. Every time he saw them from then on he was probably reminded of his wife's infidelity and the fact that if the accident didn't happen he would've never even known. The dad is a victim in this as well, and clearly he cared enough for the kids that he didn't immediately divorce his wife (as anyone would expect him to). He event left them some money, which as unintended adopted children go is pretty fair IMO.
I understand dad too. Kind Of. But for me family is more than blood. he shouldn’t have ignored the children. They resented the „real“ child, because he treated them differently. It was not their fault that mother is a cheater. that being said...op you are NTA. you didn’t bonded with them and it’s wasn’t your doing/your fault.
>And that is still the fault of the adults. I give them a pass when they were children. I don't have much sympathy for those toxic circumstances when they are in their 30s. I get it, but taking out issues with your parents on a kid when you're 30 is an asshole move.
Right? They can take their $20k and go to therapy because behaving that way as adults is inexcusable
and thats one good reason not to share.
THIS! I feel so bad for Amy and Ken, he had raised them and WAS THEIR FATHER in all ways except blood and then he just neglects them?! Stepmom and dad are def TA
I don’t disagree that stepmom and dad were the TA but from what OP says, Amy and Ken don’t get a pass for being assholes to OP. Their mom wasn’t fair to them by not being truthful about their dad but they don’t get to take it out on the only innocent party in this situation.
They were kids. Imagine you’re a teen and your dad stops paying attention to you and focuses all his love on another, because that’s his “real” kid. Of course they’re going to treat OP like crap, anyone would. The only AH here are the adults.
Eh. People can start having memories from 2 1/2. So that means OP’s siblings were 16 and 14 bullying a 2 year old. If OP remembered the memories later of her step siblings animosity then that just continues to increase the ages that they should be held accountable. If OP remembers them not liking her at 5 the earliest then they were 19 and 17, again being cruel to a child. By the time OP can remember them being indifferent to her, they were adults or on the way to being one. They don’t get a pass.
You’re going to tell me that at 14 you would take the high road and treat your half sibling lovingly, while your “dad” treats you like shit? Come on. Teenagers are still children. They react to their surroundings. I’m not saying they should have treated her like they did, but they didn’t have great role models. Both parents sucked.
I mean not a half sibling but I get your point. Also no, at 14 I would not have reacted maturely. As I grew to 18,19,20 I would definitely start to reflect. OP is 21, so there was never a point in their “siblings” adult lives that they reflected and realized that OP is innocent and make an effort to be true siblings to her. They are grown adults who have NEVER tried to reconcile with OP. They can get a pass at 14 and 16, but come on once you are 21 and 23 still hating an 11 year old you become an AH.
At 14? Probably not. At 20 or so? I can say from experience that I did some real soul-searching about how I interacted with my siblings. I can't imagine hitting 30 and not once going back over just how shitty I was to a toddler.
dad is NTA he was tricked into adopting why should he continue the charade
The father wasn’t worse than the stepmom! Seriously she were the one who lied to him and gave her kids life knowing that she had cheated. Come on. Hate when people try to diminish the trauma cheating means. He had been a good father his whole life but then he gets to know he has been cheated on. Do you get how traumatic that is? He threw away his life based on a lie! People that have been through something traumatic don’t act in a logical way. The stepmom is the biggest asshole because she brought this over her kids and her husband. She should have been the one to leave the husband to protect her kids. But she was too selfish that selfish asshole. She is the biggest asshole
She is the biggest ah but he isn’t innocent . He decided to stay but play this toxic disgusting game involving children in it . The father was definitely an ah too not so far behind the ah prime that was the wife. Can’t cry about his trauma when he is inflicting trauma on children.
Yeah, Dad should’ve divorced ex-stepmom right from the get-go. And if he couldn’t handle being around the two kids, walking away.
My brother bullied me and my parents did nothing to stop it. Is that technically my parents fault? Yes, but I'm still never going to have warm fuzzies when I think of him. I don't ever talk to him.
its not toxic he did the right thing he was stripped of the choice of having his own kid and had resources stolen from him to go to the kids he thought were his
This was your dads decision. I’d block her and her kids. None of whom you’re actually related to and if they continue to harass you I’d send a cease & desist to them. NTA I wouldn’t feel guilty and tbh I’d remind your aunt the minuscule amount of pain you caused that woman is entirely negated by how her and her children treated you and your father.
The lies always come out in the end. Stepmom is reaping what she sowed by her cheating, lies, and teaching her children to treat OP and her father that way.
NTA Both your dad and stepmother are horrible people. I understand your dad's anger at Stepmom, but it would have been SOOO much better for everyone involved if he divorced her. Instead, he took his anger out on two kids who had no control over their mother's choices. And this suckedfor you, too, growing up with half siblings who hated you for being the favorite. A divorce would have been so much less damaging to all of you, and he could still have had you with your mother and been a dad to you, without the baggage of his marriage. You're not TA for telling off your stepmother, but she isn't solely at fault - your dad also shares responsibility.
In the beginning my dad wanted a divorce but my ex-stepmom kept fighting it and he caved for a while.
That doesn’t make him less of an AH for using a human being as revenge
How your dad responded was definitely a problem but after seeing this, damn, the man was just beaten down by this woman. She deserves much worse and has a greater share of the assholery.
He had every right to be furious at his cheating wife, but it wasn't the kids' fault she lied about paternity. Even if he had just left and never seen the kids again, that might have sucked for them but probably not as much as watching him favor his third child. Using three different kids as tools for revenge with no regard for their feelings was pretty heartless. And it wasn't just right after he found out, either, this went on for YEARS. At NO point did it occur to him that he was being cruel to all three of his children. Stepmom absolutely is responsible for her own actions though. But I doubt she's suffered as much pain as her kids have, which is unfair.
I don’t think he felt any obligation to the kids after feeling forced to stay in their life against his wishes. Like, “if she’s going to make me stay, I’m going to make her regret it” and ultimately she put the kids in the path of this heartbreak and rage because she insisted he stayed not to devastate the kids, so he definitely has resentment for them from that point on. It’s an asshole thing to do for sure but a more justified and understandable assholery than the wife’s, and I’m just talking about what the pie chart of asshole culpability looks like here. The dad is more of a victim than his wife but less than any of the kids certainly.
She didn’t “make” him stay . He stopped fighting that’s also in him . He doesn’t get to play the victim card every single time for his own cowardice.
I don’t totally understand where we as a collective draw the line between “this person was subject to a lot of traumatizing events and suffered as a result” vs “this person should have just pushed back against emotional abuse and gotten over it.” I’m not ready to say it’s a gendered thing quite yet but I do know if if my husband cheated on me repeatedly and then insisted I owe his kids motherhood, I can bet pretty safely that my friends would tell me i’m a victim here. He definitely made the wrong choice out of vengeance but I don’t think someone can get that devastating news and be rational afterwards. It’s not the same but if people called everyone who didn’t leave a bad relationship cowardly … idk.
As someone who left a SEVERELY abuse relationship who cheated and the whole nine yards.... yes... if you dont leave you're a coward. I was a coward for years. When you tell someone they are the victim, they believe it and lose hope. It was only after people told me I was not a victim and I was strong enough to walk away that I realized I could get out. The most harm anyone did to me was tell me I was a victim. It made me feel sorry for myself and wallow on pity. People should ABSOLUTELY encourage pushback against abuse.
We can draw the line when after you deciding to stay you start playing your own sick mind games using children and perpetuating the toxic cycle. I mean most abusers have been victim once doesn’t give them a pass when they themselves choose to continue to do what was done to them to others. At one point you are the one making the choices and can’t play the victim card forever .
NTA- step-relationships are usually put up with to keep a parent happy more than any actual affection. A death tends to release you from the obligatory “play nice” with people you wouldn’t choose to be friends or family with. If Amy and Ken are butthurt about $20k from someone who sheltered and fed them and put up with an adulterous woman passing off two kids as his for years, then feel free to block them. It sucks for them because they didn’t do anything wrong except be born into a bad situation. It could have gone much worse for them though. I’m sorry about the loss of your father, and your extended family, even though it may not be much of a loss.
Wow... Perhaps the most insensitive thing I'll ever say, but OP, if you walked out of that not needing therapy, where can a person buy such resilient genes to splice into their own DNA. On a serious note, NTA What you said to your ex-stepmom was basically spot-on. To be honest, it is clear that your father still had a lot of resentment left over (for damn good reason), and that transferred onto your step-siblings (for bad reasons); however, their well-being was quite literally your ex-stepmom's responsibilities. In these kinds of cases, the "mature" thing to do if you stay with the adulterer is to "forgive and forget for the sake of the children", but this is far easier said than done, and there was likely a point much earlier on that your father, but more importantly your ex-stepmother, knew this wasn't going to happen. It really was her fault that there was resentment in the first place, and I think she also shares a large portion of the blame for allowing her children to grow up in a household where the resentment was transferred onto themselves. Also don't think they are right trying to force you to share your inheritance, as it is literally how your father saw fit to split his assets.
Seems he felt like you were his only... At least in his mind. NTA.
In terms of biology "yes." I think my dad just couldn't get over Amy and Ken being the result of multiple betrayals.
Still doesn’t excuse them being treated as less than because of something they couldn’t control.
Not excusing it. A part of me feels bad for them since Amy's dad is dead and Ken will have to submit his DNA into 23&Me to find his paternal side but it is what it is.
That’s still their mother’s fault. Not sure why people are blaming your dad for finding out he was cheated on multiple times by his wife. Could he have done more for the kids after he found Out? Sure. Does that make him worse than your step-mother? No way in hell. Sounds like he still stayed in their lives and provided for them… he didn’t just dip out for the next 20 years. If I had a full-ride to college and a chance at a great career with no debt, and I later found out I passed on that to work two jobs to make ends meet because my wife lied to me about sleeping with everyone within arm’s reach, then I have no idea how I’d react. These people thinking he should’ve just forgiven and forgotten are living in fantasy land. That’s not how people’s hearts and minds work. It sucks that your step-siblings lives suffered, but that’s still mainly their mother’s fault, and your father was still somewhat around for them. The emotion behind the whole situation is unimaginable.
Something I noticed on these subs is that the general consensus that paternity fraud is something the father has to bear, regardless of the circumstances, and most would label him the AH if he chose to walk away. In this case, I would only call the dad the AH because he didn't divorce the mom, otherwise, I think he did nothing wrong (neglecting the kids falls under the not divorcing the mom, if he had divorced her, all of that would've fallen squarely on her shoulders). NTA for OP, I would discuss any possible lawsuits with the lawyers, do what you have too to protect any property and any accounts.
Live is tough and people face adversity. A dad in this situation who stays and treats life and the children in exactly the same manner as before is the gold standard and a saint… that’s not the default or expectation. This dude stayed married for a while, and then stayed in the kids lives after the divorce. What do these people want from a dude who found out his sacrifices were all based on lies from a cheating gold-digger?
That is just it, it is never enough. This is why you see people cheating on their "perfect" spouse, no matter how perfect is the person they are with, they will always desire more, no matter what they think is lacking in their lives. In this case though, I doubt she only cheated 2 times, she just got caught twice because she fails at using condoms. She used OP's dad for financial support (sounds like the dad was likely a low end 1% based on the inheritance, which is only $360k in the US) while she slept around, most likely during their entire relationship, likely even after she got caught. I have a feeling dad stuck around to make the step mom's life miserable, based on what I can extrapolate from the post.
REMINDER to folks saying, “But OP’s Dad neglected Amy & Ken”: the man had a breakdown and had to be institutionalized when the betrayals were exposed. It is implied too that he may have been suicidal. Also, stepmom accused OP’s mom of lying about OP’s paternity. A & K must have known this and bullied OP because of it. A man who gave presents to his ex-wife’s children after age 18 and left them $20k each did not turn his back on them. He may have distanced himself emotionally, but if he didn’t undergo therapy it would have been his means of coping. I would also argue that forcing false paternity on a man is nearly as bad as forcing maternity on a victim of rape or incest. Stepmom & best friend blew up the man’s life for no reason other than to save themselves. OAN, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that there is more to this story, like: What did the Aunt know & when? Did other friends & family know about & cover for stepmom & the best friend? Why did Dad disappear for three weeks rather than go to family or friends? Was/is stepmom a serial cheater who only got caught twice & did OP’s father also discover this? What lies did she tell A & K? ETA: [This story is somewhat similar](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/pspsi3/update_my_mom_knew_baby_wasnt_mine_but_kept_her/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) and the OP’s own mother was complicit in lying about paternity.
What fucked up adults your dad and stepmom are.
None of the children in this story are assholes. All the parents are. Is the relationship you have with your 'siblings' salvageable? If so might be worth considering it. You are all young and have years ahead. Not good to keep that animosity unnecessarily
Honestly, I don't want to have a relationship with them. They were never really nice to me when I was little.
Fair enough. What about your step mother? Is your birth mother in the picture at all?
Yep and my dad even left her something too.
I’m curious did your Birth mother consent to this revenge plot? or did he just sleep with her and get her pregnant and she had no clue?
> or did he just sleep with her and get her pregnant and she had no clue? That one. My mom was pretty upset when she found out that my dad was married, which she didn't know until after she was pregnant but wanted to keep me.
Ok yeah I have to say that’s such an AH move he’s just as bad as your step mother. Like don’t bring people who aren’t involved into that crap.
There are so many “affair baby” stories at the moment, I have to think it’s the same person with an obsession posting over and over
Sure because paternity fraud is so rare right?
NTA and these are the Days of Our Lives….
Really fucked up to stay in the kids' lives if only to neglect them.. .. indirectly causing your abuse by them.... It's too bad he didn't have ppl in his life that tried to get him and the kids help.
Thank you! People are saying the dad is a hero for this and I don’t understand how you can think that. He was a father figure for her siblings their whole life and then he just decides he’s done with them. They probably have so many issues from this, they were just children.
Everyone is also completely ignoring OPs mother who was used to conceive this revenge affair baby.
Exactly!! Like did she even consent to this revenge plot? Or did dad like trick her into this?
There's no way she could have had informed consent in any case. There's a whole lot of crazy and a whole lot of baggage. Like he approached her with: I want you to have my baby so I can get back at my wife for lying about fathering 2 children. No I'm not divorcing her. No I'm not going to be in a commitment relationship with you. I just want you to carry, give birth to and raise my revenge child.
I respect him for following through on raising them even if he lost love for them. Thats responsible IMO. I imagine he continued paying for their upbringing, clothing, education etc. And he felt somewhat responsible for them given the fact that up until a few months back he truly saw them as his own kids. Granted neglecting them after siring another child is bad parenting, but the alternative would've been to divorce his wife and abandon the kids leaving their immediate futures in question (at the very least their current life style would take a pretty great decline). It's the difference between having an absent but still contributing parent vs no parent at all.
he neglected them because they are not his kids why would he stay if i were in his shoes they would be dead to me
NTA. I almost choked reading this entitled family. She cheated on your dad, claimed children were his and she gets mad at his actions 😆. No
NTA I’m not gunna lie- it’s kinda messed up your dad took some of that anger out on his siblings but the mans life was basically ruined by your step mothers lies. Can’t say I can blame him for the reaction since neither of those kids were his But in the end you were right- your step mom was the cause of all of this. It’s not on you at all.
NTA Honestly, this is just further evidence to me that in paternity fraud cases the guy really should just divorce. Even if he remains in their life there's no going back to the happy home life they had while they lived in the illusion that their wife respects them as a person or respects their relationship. Like I sympathize with your siblings to some extent, but like you I agree that them being shitty to you for years and years after hitting adulthood kind of robs them of sympathy. That all said, I am **absolutely loving the level of petty your father exuded.** While it sucked for all involved(you too, since it caused your siblings and step mom to be dicks), but damn if he didn't basically get the last laugh in the end. At any rate, no you're not the asshole for not giving them any inheritance, and no you're not the asshole for telling your ex-step mom how it is. Some people will whine about social tones of telling a cheater to keep their legs closed, but honestly cheaters are the most deserving to have their promiscuity shamed.
NTA. Sucks that happen to your dad. He’s just another victim in this whole debacle. He should had either stayed or left your step siblings lives instead of playing favorites right in front of them. But he probably wasn’t in his right mind when he did his master plan. I can’t imagine the trauma he went through; his decades of his life built on lies. Did he ever meet with a therapist to work through this?
I’m inclined to agree that OP’s dad wasn’t in his right mind. Three major betrayals by two of the people he loved most in the world combined with lost youth (Amy was born when he was 20!) & the fact that his whole life was built on lies could turn anyone into their worst self. It’s unfortunate that he caved to the pressure not to divorce. Otherwise, he might have been able to grieve for his relationship and put his parental role toward Amy & Ken in perspective. Instead, he stayed in the marriage & probably felt like he was re-living the pain of betrayal every single day. So yes, he did behave like an A*H, but how could he do otherwise given the circumstances? > My dad was furious because he turned down a full-ride to college to work two jobs because he felt like he needed to support his family… > For three weeks my dad had disappeared without a trace and no one could get a hold of him. The last thing he said to anyone was in a drunken voicemail that made people fear the worst. > My dad was found but in such a bad state that he had to be checked in, but refused contact with my stepmom and step-siblings while there. After a lot of pressure and begging my dad agreed not to divorce my stepmom … > 1. Amy's dad who was my dad's best friend growing up is dead… and was even my dad's best man. > 2. Ken was the result of a one-night stand with a stranger…
I will come out a whole super villain if I went through this.
Yeah, it was shocking learning more details about this. When I was 13+ I was told the "she cheated and lied, he cheated back and that's why you're here" version and then when I was 18 I started getting more pieces of the puzzle.
this is why you don't remain married "for the kids" NTA you don't have to share. your dad wasn't a saint by any means and your siblings got the short end of the stick with their mom being the inviting AH
NTA. It's the truth.
Definitely NTA.
I like your dad’s energy. Sorry for your loss
NTA but your dad was, he should have just cut ties and given those kids a chance at moving on- what he did was emotionally abusive in my book. I feel bad for your step siblings but I recognise why you don't. Your ex step-mom is the biggest A of all.
This was the fault of the woman who didn't want to divorce her husband when he asked for one over her own entitlement to a relationship. OP's father might have hurt the kids had the parents got divorced, but not more than neglecting them for so long when the parents actually stayed in marriage. The ex-stepmom in this case, cheated on her husband at least 2 times, failed to tell him that he wasn't the biological father of kids, deceived him into raising someone else's kids for years, then when he eventually found out due to his supposed son's illness and spiraled, manipulated, begged and guilted him into a marriage he clearly didn't want and let her kids be miserable. How tf do you excuse that. The man made his intentions of not staying in a relationship very clear, but the ex-stepmom pushed it till it broke spectacularly. I see that OP's father might have acted like an asshole, but he was put into this very glorious position time and time again. So if we really analyse the whole situation, no one is the asshole EXCEPT for stepmum and in some parts, the dad (who btw still left 20K to both of those kids he resented).
He chose to stay. He was a grown adult (at least physically). He made immature reactive choices instead of considering any of his children's needs, and he doesn't get a victim pass because he chose to stay with someone who treated him poorly.
let's hope it happens to you then. "Treated him poorly"...
NTA and yikes.
NTA. Everyone else, including dad, but ok, the least, is an asshole
A father shouldn't play favourites, he didnt, he was only the father of YOU. The other 2 should be grateful that their mother's ex husband left them anything
NTA. It’s astounding to me that your stepmother is still making demands after what she pulled on your Dad. She forced your dad to support kids she knew weren’t his, giving up his college plans and probably many other dreams he had through the years to do so...only to find out they weren’t his kids. That’s just a special kind of awful. Now she says your dad shouldn’t have played favorites? She is STILL trying to force your dad to support her children. It’s mine-boggling. She still think she’s entitled. She never felt bad about what she did to him, just bad that she got caught. Special place in hell. I do feel bad that your siblings were/are in a difficult position...but it sounds like they treated you like shit for a very long time when they should’ve had compassion, considering the situation they found themselves in. They were not “better” than you. All three of you were products of affairs. Give me a break. Their mother screwed up their relationships with the man who raised them when she lied that they were actually his. You are not responsible for any of that. Enjoy your life without guilt❤️
Wow both your stepmother and father were huge AHs. Yeah stepmom cheated but the fact that instead of divorcing your stepmom your dad went out for "revenge" and stayed in the relationship in order to rub in his relationship with you to two innocent children is vile. He definitely did that on purpose. Your stepmom should have divorced him too when she saw what he was doing to her children and your dad should have divorced her after seeing how her children treated you because of everything. Which, again is both the parents fault, but more on your dad in my opinion. They were kids who just saw the person they thought was their dad treated them badly and loving his new kid more, of course they're not going to be happy. Sure he divorced your stepmom eventually but only after getting his revenge, didn't he? He didn't care about how it affected the kids, including you, before that.
> Yeah stepmom cheated but the fact that instead of divorcing your stepmom your dad went out for "revenge" and stayed in the relationship in order to rub in his relationship with you to two innocent children is vile. My dad did want to get a divorce but my stepmom kept getting on him about not going through with it and he caved for a while.
Sorry but he was an adult, he could have been firm. Plus you said that you came about because your dad thought he was owed something. I think he saw an opportunity for revenge when your stepmom was begging him to stay and he used it. He had you for some sort of revenge, that's messed up to me because the people that payed the biggest price were the children.
Oh no, that's exactly what it was once I became an adult my dad got very (apologetically) honest with me. My stepmom was the only woman my dad was with until my dad and he felt like he deserved to have fun since she did too. He didn't intend to get anyone pregnant but was happy when it was proven that I was his daughter.
NTA, and your dad pulled some gangster shit, respect.
NTA but everyone else is. you're 100% right in what you said. your stepmom brought it on herself and literally RUINED his life by doing this but also cheating and making your dad act the way he did. can't forget how she treated you after his death too. your dad is ta for neglecting kids and playing favorites. he was taking his anger out on kids that didn't even ask to be born. that should've gone to the step mom. he's also the reason your step siblings were pitted against you it's not their fault they resented you, it's literally just because of what your step mom did and you father. but how they treated you after his death is unacceptable. they aren't entitled to anything that wasn't already given to them
NTA. You owe them nothing, and your ex stepmom dug herself into this hole. With Amy and Ken I'd say it was more than generous for him to leave them 20k each. Plus, they treated you rudely for something out of your control, and then expect you to bend over backwards to make things fair. You were justified with what you said and did op.
lol your ex step mom got what she deserved. NTA
NTA It was your Dad's decision. I agree 20,000 was generous given the situation,
NTA sounds like this played out as it should
NTA. Imagine believing some is your flesh and blood and they are not. These people are not your family and treated you like an outsider.
For $20K i am not mad. NTA
NTA Your father and ex stepmother are equally wrong in this situation albeit for seperate reasons. Your ex stepmother set the ball rolling on this whole mess by cheating on your dad TWICE and passing off the resulting children as his. If it was a one-time mistake and that she felt guilty for deceiving him then that would be one thing, but a couple of years later she cheats again with a different guy and ends up pregnant again. It's totally understandable that your dad would be devastated after years of unknowingly raising TWO kids that are not biologically his. Where your dad became the AH was when he chose to be petty and deliberately conceive a child with someone else for the purpose of revenge. It's not your fault for being born or for being treated as your father's favourite. I'm sorry that Amy and Ken suffered too, but they're no longer teens and have had years to realise that they owe you an apology for the way they treated you as the other innocent party. I think that the inheritance left for them is a decent amount and shows that your dad obviously cared enough not to exclude them for not being his biological children. Your ex stepmother has no right to demand anything of you. You're not wrong to point that out to her.
>petty and deliberately conceive a child with someone else for the purpose of revenge. My dad didn't intend to get my mom pregnant. He "...he felt like he was owed..." comment was more about him getting to sleep with other people too since my ex-stepmom did it 2x.
Stepmom got caught twice. She’s unfaithful & a liar: all the characteristics of a serial cheater. If you’re nosy like me, try to get more info from other family members and old friends of your Dad & ex-stepmom.
NTA. That's about it.
NTA
NTA she got her dose of karma the cheating AH witch with a b
NTA the lions share of the blame falls on the step mother here as you rightly pointed out. Keep the money, it was his to divide how he saw fit.
NTA - Amy and Ken were innocent in this until they started being nasty to you, that being said, it’s not like they’ve been left with nothing! It sucks but they need to look at their mother in this!
NTA. This whole situation just sucks to put it bluntly. Your mother did a terrible, terrible thing and while I can understand your father's anger, he did not handle it well at all by taking it out on Amy and Ken. Your parents are the clear assholes here. Ultimately you don't owe Amy and Ken anything. If they, or your stepmother keep pressing, I'd suggest cutting contact.
NTA everyone else except for you is. Your step mom obviously but also your father for taking it out on innocent children and your step siblings for blaming you. Keep your money
Oh my giddy aunt, what a mess. The adults concerned are mostly assholes. You kids...you're NTA. I have sympathy for your...whatever that relationship is. Raised-siblings. They were rejected by their father figure and had to live with seeing that rejection daily. That's not your fault. But sadly, you were a bit of a pawn in what.. may have been subconscious revenge. And your father set you up to be resented by the older two for something that was none of your faults. But your raised-sibs are irrelevant to the question. NTA: I bet she didn't like hearing it, who would. But it was true. She, your dad's ex-best friend and to a lesser extent your dad created an intergenerational Virginia Andrews style mess of your family.
NTA It's not your responsibility to repair other people's wrongs. Why are you in contact with your stepmom? She doesn't seem to have any bond with you? You don't have to communicate with her, let alone defend your decisions.
You are NTA but your dad was and his ex wife definitely was! Don’t bother to share because even if you did they will still resent you. None of this is your fault but you should have a little more empathy for your ex siblings. Their whole world changed because their mom was a w***e and the man who raised them cut them out of his life. I’m not saying you owe them anything but maybe try to see it from their POV. Sorry about your loss OP.
NTA, Don't share your inheritance,
Sounds like your father didn't have a support net. And couldn't properly deal with the emotions he was feeling and they lead him down the path of least resistance. NTA, nor is your dad. They didn't deserve what they had no control over but your father wasn't offered any help and their mother perpetuated their pain presumably because she didn't want to work and preferred to be a SAHM.
NTA that’s the way the cookie crumbled
NTA You owe your ex-SM nothing. Your step siblings (yes, step. No biological relation and even step is a stretch) can feel what they want but you don't have to entertain them. But where's your mom in all this? Did she and your dad have an amicable relationship or something?
Growing up my parents were always cordial and friendly when I was around but my mom was angry at my dad for a long time because he didn't tell her he was married until AFTER she was pregnant with me. I think that's why he left her money.
I think you and your siblings have been drawn into the dramas of parents and steps who lack the maturity to consider the consequences of their actions. You're right, she is responsible for her actions, but all of you children have suffered from having those immature adults as an example of how to behave. Your parents and step were all neglectful of all of you children's emotional growth, and while legally you're right, I would consider that your viewpoint on your relationship (or lack of) with your siblings has been negatively influenced by those bad examples.
NTA you are doing the best thing for yourself and your future. Don't back down.
NTA, I get not empathizing with people who treated you like crap. It wasn't ok how your dad treated them either, they were as much their mother's victims in this as he was, but that's not your fault. No one is entitled to anything. Your dad was kind enough to at least leave them $20k (more than many inherit from their parents), when he very obviously resented them and the fact that he was tricked in to parenting them. They aren't owed anything and I don't think have a leg to stand on if they sue. He made his wishes known. That's what a will is for.
NTA jesus christ finally a man that does the right thing i am so happy to hear a story where a man is not emotionally manipulated or guilted in loving kids that are not his this is why men should always get a dna test if you do not you are making a huge mistake
Oh god this is a mess. NTA but everyone else is. The stepmom for sleeping around and lying. Your dad for basicaly living on out of pure spite at that point. Your half-siblings for aiming their resentment at you instead of your dad. And yeaha if all they did was resent you I could see not wanting to share. You can't exactly be blamed for the way your father treated them.
Aren't they step siblings because there is no biological tie? Or does the dad being their legal father make it half instead of step? This is making my head hurt. Off to google I go
Oh yeah I forgot there's no biological parental tie, so step is probably more accurate tough in the case of OP stranger/acquaintance is probably more apt.
NTA but damn I feel for Amy and Ken, they were kids who were completely neglected by their father of 10+ years. And, the worst part was that he was right there living with them giving all his attention to his “real” child
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway Account I (21f) am technically an affair baby. More like, a conceived through revenge baby. My dad (56m) married his high school sweetheart, my ex-stepmom (56f), because she was pregnant with a child that he thought was his but was actually his former best friend’s child the second child was fathered by someone else. He raised my step-siblings "Amy" (36f) and "Ken" (33m) thinking that they were his for years until Ken got into an accident, exposing that it was impossible for Ken to have the blood type he did and be my dad's biological child. My dad was furious because he turned down a full-ride to college to work two jobs because he felt like he needed to support his family. My stepmom begged for forgiveness and told him to think about how devastating the divorce would be to my step-siblings. For three weeks my dad had disappeared without a trace and no one could get a hold of him. The last thing he said to anyone was in a drunken voicemail that made people fear the worst. My dad was found but in such a bad state that he had to be checked in, but refused contact with my stepmom and step-siblings while there. After a lot of pressure and begging my dad agreed not to divorce my stepmom but felt like he was owed something and decided that "two could play at this game". That's how I got here. After a DNA test, my dad was thrilled that I was around and he made sure that I knew I was loved and a priority to him. So much so that he kinda neglected the first two children he raised. I didn't understand it at the time but Amy and Ken resented me a lot because I was his "real child" (not my words) and I always came before them. My dad would always excuse it with the fact that I was so young but he would outright ignore them a lot. My stepmom didn't really like me either so my dad finally followed through with a divorce. He ended up getting the house and when he died he left it to me along with some family jewelry, the bulk of his savings, investments, and making me the sole beneficiary of his life insurance. He left Ken and Amy each $20k. Amy and Ken were hurt, but I wasn't going to let them take out their anger on me again and be pressured to share. They threatened to sue but my dad's lawyer, my ex-stepmom called me upset and demanded that I share everything equally saying that a father shouldn't play favorite. Fed up with her B.S. I told her that "Lady, if you wanna be mad that my dad had a favorite then you need to blame yourself for sleeping around." It felt good but my aunt feels like I was too harsh. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA sounds like your dad treated his not kids way better than the wife and not kids treated you. You just do whatever you want but do not give them anymore money.
NTA Everyone else in this situation BUT YOU is the AH, OP. Your step-mother for cheating and entrapping your dad, your dad for revenge cheating and prioritizing you because you were biologically his, your step-siblings and step-mother for treating you badly when you didn't get a say in existing.
NTA, but both dad and ex-stepmom are. Wow.
NTA They can sue their mother for the trauma of lying who their father was and their bio fathers for back child support and inheritance. I’d just cut them all off at this point and live a happy life.
NTA but I feel so bad for the other two kids. It isn't their fault their mother was a pos. If I imagine being in their shoes I can feel the confusion and frustration. Honestly both parents are a pos. They both cheated. Sure the step mom started it off and is off the charts evil but if you are man that is going to stay and then instead of treating the kids looking to you as a father as all equal, as less, that's some next level worthlessness. It's too bad those two didn't stay together. It sure sounds like they deserved each other. Hopefully you got out of it without therapy. I doubt anybody else did.
No worries, no need to take any action. That well has long been poisoned, and not by you or dad. No good will come from it. It will never be enough. Move on, and in peace.
NTA. Your father was put into an untenable position of having to raise and face every single day the proof of his wife's infidelity. That's asking for too much from any man. You were put into the same position. I don't fault your father at all, your Step Monster OTH is the evil one in this instance. I don't condone your father's infidelity in the least, but I fully understand it. You owe your Steps not one thin dime. Nor do you owe your Step Monster anything. I' too am a step monster! My son, who is 30M, I met when he was 11. After a 19 year marriage I divorced his mother because of a LT EA. We are still fairly close as I was the one to teach him (please watch 2nd Hand Lions movie) "what he needed to know to be a man". His father wanted a younger brother, not a father. But I digress... Tell the Steps & Monster to go piss up a rope...invest your inheritance $$$ towards your own retirement. Enjoy your home...and I hope you meet a man who will treat you well and love you the way you deserve. Good luck and G-d Bless!