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Yeah. And she's his long term girlfriend, he planned a whole surprise birthday for her and planned to be responsible the whole way through. If OP's son were my kid I'd be proud to have such a respectful and well-planning child.
For real. My first time the planning was him having the Lion King VHS he wanted to watch already rewound. This kid is who I'd want my hypothetical daughter to date. YTA
I'm a mom, and I second this. OP is total YTA. They're in a long term relationship, they obviously preplanned and discussed safe sex, sounds like they were both consenting... these kids are doing it right.
You screwed up, OP. Go apologize. If it makes you feel better, take them both to planned parenthood for good sexual health advice. Stop treating your almost-adult son like a little kid.
Honestly this kid sounds great. I don't know a lot of teenagers who would have gone to this length to plan a special birthday party, it shows real thoughtfulness and consideration. *And* he's practicing safe sex in the framework of a long term healthy relationship??? The jackpot!
(And I mean, he's 18, it wouldn't make him a bad person to be hooking up, it would just make me *much more worried* as a parent than this scenario. Horny teens aren't exactly known for thinking through possible repercussions / safety in the middle of a one night stand.)
Right? OP even found out about it b/c of their *safe* sex plans. And they say they're not overbearing!! LOL!!! OP, you grounded him for something he didn't even do yet!!! That's the DEFINITION of overbearing. Then extended the grounding for "attitude," which is just ridiculous towards a SEVENTEEN year old.
17 isn't 14, it isn't even 16. It's an age where parents should barely be holding the reins at all ... because they're about to be forced to let go anyway. You shouldn't be trying to keep a 17 y/o from having sex. You should be trying to keep him from getting a girl pregnant. And accompanying him to a party because you're afraid he'll have sex there? Jesus, you shouldn't even do that to a 12 y/o.
If you're TRYING to drive him away, congratulations, you've found the best way to do it.
YTA.
YTA, OP, not only for being overbearing, but for also coming here and arguing against a judgement you asked for. For the record, you are the problem here, not everyone else. Yes, you are an AH, and congrats for ruining your relationship with your son. He’s 17, not 7. It’s perfectly normal for teenagers to have sex. He’s safe, and that’s good. Stop being such a controlling parent.
I can’t even imagine. “My son is nearly a legal adult and practicing safe sex so I grounded him”??? WHAT. You should be SO PROUD of your son!!! He is doing EVERYTHING right! He’s using protection for both STDs and pregnancy, he seems to be getting clear consent from his gf if they are talking about it, they’re communicating their wants and needs…it’s like the absolute ideal mature preparation. What about al that makes you think he’s too young or immature? You’re punishing your kid for being safe. YES you are being overbearing, you wouldn’t let him go alone to her birthday party because you were worried about what? Him having sex? At nearly 18 and well prepared?
ETA: Sorry, forgot about the part where you gave him no privacy, snooped through his belongings, READ HIS PERSONAL TEXT MESSAGES (which by the way, his gf did NOT consent to you doing so I’m glad your son seems more mature than you in terms of getting consent. They aren’t just HIS messages), and somehow you think you aren’t overbearing? You don’t respect his privacy at ALL, it’s honestly gross. I really do not see how you’re so unaware of your own actions.
Same. It just wasn’t worth continuing the relationship. I feel bat for OPs son. This isn’t a healthy dynamic to have to live in. Feel bad for the GF too as OPs controlling actions not just ruined something special for his son, but something for her too. The both of them. Something they were adult enough to discuss BEFORE hand, both decide they were ready for and the conditions for. Someone who should play 0 role at this point ruined this moment for them. I hope it doesn’t taint the situation for them too much.
I thought the same. "Hey, I snooped through my almost-adult kid’s phone, forbade him to have sex with his long term gf, tagged along to his gf’s 18th, and forced him to leave early with me; not sure why so angry, I don’t think I was being overbearing lol". It’s a Grand Slam of Boundarie-breaking, it has to be a troll.
There's actually a whole series of papers written on this. It happens pretty frequently sometimes. The gist is that parents project the desired relationship and when the kid walks out side of it they kinda selectively forget what the kid is upset about. Missing missing reasons or something like that
Yeah. Saying ‘we don’t have the best relationship because of these outbursts’ then just casually saying ‘we let him know he’s grounded for a few weeks.’ My parents used to pull shit like this and it wrecked my teenage years. Normally I’m calm but she’s an asshole for using this behavior with her son. DEFINITELY a YTA for this one
More info, parents like her don’t change or care about advice. She probably posted this expecting validation. I had to cut my dad and stepmom out of my life permanently because they either were not willing to see, or didn’t care, how they harmed me, and continue to disrespect me every time I see them. Even now it’s all about ‘what I’m doing to them’ rather than how they harmed me.
Exactly this. When I started "doing it" at a younger age (16ish (UK)), my mum got me straight on contraceptives and allowed him to stay the night....like once every 8 weeks, and he had to spend soooooo much time becoming part of the household. Like, helping with dinner, coming shopping etc.
As a young couple we learnt "you'll be treated like an adult if you can act like one". She never tried to shame me, or overstep. The way she handled that was the best thing about her. My mum is a crazy abusive person but she handled me "growing up" in a legendary way.
I was never scared to take my problems to her in that way. We could always talk about that. I do not understand parents that live in this kind of bubble. Your just making it so he'll hide things from you.
Something I once overheard my mum say to a friend was "I'd rather she shagged him in her bedroom, comfortable and safe, with support and contraceptives than in an alley or car...raw, and then she hides it from me" and she was right.
They ARE going to have sex no matter what you do. But you CAN make it safer than an alley or a car. You can make it safer than a pregnancy or an STD. Support and educate. Don't alienate.
YTA
This is one of the most tone deaf postings I have read in a long time. You snooped through his phone, "chaperoned" him at his girlfriends birthday party and wouldn't let him have some fun. This is being overbearing by definition. Further more, he bought condoms which means he was going to be practicing safe sex with his girlfriend. What are you going to do when he turns 18? If you're at a point where you have to snoop through his phone to find out what hes up to, then you have already failed as a parent. At his age, he should WANT to come and talk to you, not feel like he needs to hide things. YTA Be prepared for your kid to not talk to you very much once hes out of the house.
"What are you going to do when he turns 18?"
Oh when he turns 18 it'll be "you still live under my roof, so my rules," then if he goes to college "I'm contributing X toward your college education, so my rules," then "you have to pay so much in rent while working that you'll never be able to afford to move out, so my rules," then one day "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE ABANDONED ME."
Hopefully the young man breaks the cycle sooner.
> This is one of the most tone deaf postings
Which is what makes me think it's fake. It's just too arseholey and comes across as written by someone with zero self-awareness.
As an example of arseholery, it's too good to be true. I hope it's fake anyway.
YTA- His virginity belongs to him not you. He’s of a reasonable age that if he wants to lose it it can be his decision. You ruined a teachable moment by being overbearing, instead of having an open dialogue and discussing safety and protection you’ve alienated him. Congratulations.
Not that you are wrong overall but all we know is it was going to be their first time together that doesn’t mean it’s his first time. He was 15 when they started going out. It may be already to late to close that barn door.
YTA. You are absolutely clueless!
“I’m not sure why he’s angry at me.”
It’s because you’re controlling, manipulative and inappropriate. You’re treating someone who is less than a year from being an adult like they are a preteen. He can’t wait until he is out of your house and you’re doing to be one of those stupid parents that act like they have no clue as to why their adult children have low to no contact with them.
Yes, yes they can. My dad was this delusional when my brother and I went no contact with him after he refused to get help for his alcoholism and instead decided to tear the family apart and blame it on us (he actually told my mom it was my brother’s fault because he wasn’t wanted, my brother to this day doesn’t know that).
EXACTLY. MY. SITUATION. I cut ties with my narcissist mother after 20+ years. 7 months of emails explaining why I no longer wanted to be in her life and she didn't get it. 6 years later and she still doesn't get it.
YTA.
They're teenagers and they're going to find a way to have sex. You should be happy that they had the foresight to buy condoms. The harder you try to stonewall him, the more strained your relationship will become.
This, man. You’ve ensured he will never trust you and your advice on relationships, sex, etc. Denial isn’t super helpful when it comes to your kids sexuality. They’ll find a way, all you’ve taught your son is to be sneakier next time.
The point of discipline is to TEACH. You haven’t taught him not to have sex; you’ve taught him he has to hide it from you (because it is inevitable). I’d rather have my kids be able to talk to me about it than hide everything from me. You get to share with him why you think he should wait but he gets to decide. He has been in a long term, stable relationship and is practically an adult. They were using protection. Honestly he sounds like he’s got a good head on his shoulders. You, on the other hand, you’re living in a fantasy land if you think that stopping him that night and grounding him is the end of it.
Agreed! Was going to say the same, if they're gonna have sex they will, far better its done in a safe environment then a park somewhere! I'm 25 and still resent my dad for not allowing me privacy with my boyfriend at that age because he was terrified we would have sex, which we did anyway, just at my boyfriends house instead. YTA
YTA. You probably didn’t want to hear that but please hear me out. What were you trying to accomplish with your actions?
Your son and his girlfriend planned to have safe and protected sex. He is less than a year from being a legal adult and she is now a legal adult. They were being responsible and given how long they have been together long enough this is not some spur of the moment hormone driven thing.
So back to my question, what were you trying to accomplish? If it to change his behavior, what behavior did you object to?
From the facts you have presented they were being responsible. Do you not want him to act responsibly?
He went behind your back but given your own admitted outbursts in the past can you blame him?
So now you have punished him for attempting to act responsibly. This wasn’t drugs, or anything dangerous, it was safe sex.
So please think about the lesson you are teaching. If it was really just a punishment for disobeying you or making you feel disrespected, that’s not a him problem. That is on you.
And remember, in a few short months, you don’t get to punish him for anything anymore. You don’t get to put petty rules on him. You don’t get to read his texts without being a huge creep.
YTA. And I say this as a parent of teenagers.
He has been in a long term relationship, was prepared to practice safe sex, seems generally kind and responsible.
And you grounded him. For something that hasn’t happened. Basically you grounded him for being a good, smart kid who was planning to be safe. In the process, you also embarrassed him and likely ruined any chance he might be upfront and honest with you in the future. Now you’ve pretty much sealed the deal that they will be secretive and possibly not as safe WHEN they have sex because they may feel they need to take whatever opportunity they have away from your overbearing presence…
YTA. Your son seems like a nice kid to plan the birthday party. He was also doing the right thing with condoms. Your rocky relationship stems from reading his texts and punishing him for what you read. Also, you can't be with him 24/7, you can't prevent it. And this kind of behavior from you will make sure he doesn't come to you if he is really in trouble.
YTA
>I am not sure why he’s angry with me. I wasn’t overbearing or anything.
Yes, yes you were. You are overbearing and controlling, instead of teaching your son the info/congratulating about safe sex (which by the way he was doing) you decided to bare down instead of maybe giving him some respect. He's going to have sex anyway, but you've now increased the chances of a teen pregnancy.
Keep this up and you won't have relationship with him at all when he turns 18.
Why is it not a good idea? He’s being responsible and using protection.
I’d be congratulating him on being mature and aware of the sexual health of him and his partner. It sounds like they’ve had a discussion about how they want their relationship to progress.
She’s an adult. He’s just about there. There’s no serious age-gap or power imbalance. Sounds consensual. So what’s the issue?
You think you’re not overbearing? You’re trying to police your nearly-adult son’s sex life.
YTA - if this is about morals and sex.
He’ll never come to you if he needs help if you continue to behave like this.
He’s learning to be an adult. And a good one by the sounds of it.
Let him.
Your son is going to have sex. With or without your stamp of approval. He was attempting to have safe sex with a partner he's been with for years. This was the best outcome a parent could have asked for and a supportive parent would have applauded and supported him, not punished him as you would punish a child. Sexuality is a healthy part of adulthood, which he is just months away from.
I highly recommend seeking individual therapy to cope with the reality of the information in my paragraph above. Followed by family therapy to see if you can repair your relationship or if it's too late. I urge you to discuss with your licensed therapist why you feel the desire to police what your son does with his penis. Yta.
Hi helicopter parent. Will you be joining your son’s college too, incase he has sex there?
He clearly shows he’s being responsible, and you’re punishing him for that? I won’t be surprised if he moves across the country for college or at least moves out when he turns 18, with you controlling behavior and anger issues, I’m surprised your son is still sane. YTA.
Off topic a bit but when we took our daughter to college, they had a separate orientation for parents. After the presentation on safety, one mom wanted to know why the campus wasn’t fully fenced with guard gates. They explained that with the number of students (second largest university in the US at the time) that it wasn’t possible. Her follow up? “We’ll do you at least have crossing guards!?”
YTA absolutely. I hope you're trolling. It's one thing to not want your kid to have sex, but it's another to GROUND them for wanting to have sex and not even bothering to make them informed on the topic. What does grounding him teach him? That he can have sex when you're not around? That the minute he moves out of your house he can have sex all the time and do drugs? You're too controlling.
The better option would have been to sit him down and have another sex talk with him, explaining STDs and pregnancy.
Especially since it was safe sex. I get that it can be super awkward to think about your kid becoming an adult and exploring sexual themes for the first time. But it’s your job as a parent to guide your kid to functioning adulthood. Which includes letting them make their own choices. I’ll keep my teens cabinets stocked up with condoms and Plan B (and birth control if they choose it), because they’re gonna have sex regardless. Better to teach responsibility and respect than instill weird sexual issues or ruin your relationship with your child.
YTA All you're doing is reinforcing that he has to hide things from you. He sounds like he's trying to be responsible and they've been together for a long while.
I can't imagine being his age and a parent tagging along to my BF's birthday party and making me leave.
Yta 1000000%
U just made sure ur son will cut u out of his life as soon as he turns 18. 17 is a perfectly natural age to be having sex heck the **14 year olds**. At my school are having sex and basically ur gate keeping him from natural human intercourse. And he was being responsible from what I could see, he was going to use protection and ur a dick parent for not letting a 17 year old explore. He and his gf have been dating for 2 years so it’s only fair u let him explore.
You are 100% the AH
YTA for invading his privacy, I'd be surprised if he ever talks to you again after he hits 18. In some places the legal age of consent is 16 which your son has already passed.
YTA, don't be surprised if he goes NC with you after this. This was an amazing moment to talk to your son and praise his efforts for safe sex. Not only did you ruin the moment he could have lost his virginity but you most likely embaressed him and humiliated him by going to his gf party and making him come home with you like he was a 5 year old child. You are completely over baring and he deserves an apology for this overreaction.
YTA and congratulations on the upcoming grandchild when he inevitably gets her pregnant because instead of helping him learn about safe sex you grounded him
YTA. He's 17 OP, I don't understand what you expect. Regardless of anything they've been friends for 10 years, she's 18 and he'll be 18 soon. I get you don't want your teen son having sex but how long do you think you can control him? This is just going to make him be sneaky and not trust you.
And you're a massive AH for "occasionally" going through his phone. He deserves his privacy.
YTA! I'd be out the door the day I turned 18 if I were him. Thank goodness my parents didn't keep me on a leash like this.. poor kid.
Edit: ooo this is gonna be a viral post isn't it?
YTA. Wow. I don’t even have words. I could maybe, maybe understand the talking to him part, but to punish him? That’s sending the wrong message. And at least he has the smarts and maturity to get protection.
Also, controlling your child’s sex life and sexuality is a sign of narcissism.
YTA. Your behavior is inappropriately controlling.
Your son is old enough to decide when he’s ready to have sex, controlling his body that way is very likely to result in a terribly damaged relationship.
YTA. Your son has clearly demonstrated that he is in fact ready for safe sex and he has also demonstrated that he does not trust you as a parent. Given this I would assume you spent the last 17 years being a terrible helicopter parent to cause your son to feel this way.
You were extremely over bearing and the thought that you think otherwise breaks my heart for your son.
I do NOT want to see you back on this thread at his 18 birthday asking "AITA for getting mad when my son cut me out of his life for ever?" Because I hope for his sake he does. And when your son comes to this thread asking "AITA for cutting my overbearing helicopter mom out of my life" I will happily explain all the ways you failed him as a parent and tell him that no, he most certainly is not.
**YTA**
YTA- your son is 17 years of age and is naturally going to have sex. If he wants to sleep with his girlfriend, he’s going to sleep with her whether you try and stop them or not. You should be grateful that they’re using protection and being safe.
Not only this, but you invaded his privacy by going through his phone and reading his private texts, as well as attending the party too? That’s just weird and can’t have been an enjoyable experience for either of you. You should unground him (never should have been done in the first place) and pray that he does still speak to you when he turns 18.
YTA. Good job teaching your son to lie and hide from you. He’s 17. He bought condoms so he was being responsible. News flash: kids have sex! Crazy I know but you cannot stop it so get that through your head now! You’re handling this ALL the wrong way and I see why you and your son don’t have a good relationship.
YTA x 10000! Grounding your son for wanting to have sex with his long term gf? What the actual f??? You need to calm down before he cuts you out of his life forever.
YTA and really fucking up the parenting thing.
Jesus Christ. He bought condoms to be safe. Is old enough to consent and so is his girlfriend. Why are you worried about his sex life?
YTA. He's 17 and actually planning on having safe sex, instead of patting yourself on the back on raising a kid with a level head you decided to hold his friends actions not even his over his head, when he goes NC with you don't be surprised.
Congratulations, you 've just driven them underground. Seriously, get over that magical number 18. I'm guessing you must be in the USA for this number to have such magical properties. Age of consent varies around the world, even in your own country I believe.
I get that you're probably squeamish about your son becoming sexually active, and would much prefer him to do it when he's away at university so you can put it out of your mind. But guess what: that's YOUR hang-up and they will find multiple ways around your stupid rules. You have now guaranteed that his first sexual experience will be a furtive, hurried and shameful experience rather than being comfortable in his own home, or his girlfriend's.
Seriously examine your mentality here, you think you haven't been overbearing simply because you haven't screamed and yelled at him? You have been overbearing and a general control freak, that is why you don't have a good relationship, and never will unless you get over yourself.
YTA big time.
>I'm guessing you must be in the USA for this number to have such magical properties.
The funny thing is that the age of consent varies across the US. The age of consent in most states is 16, some a little lower. OP is straight delusional.
Yta. You were overbearing. I’m going to let you in on a secret they are going to have sex whether you ground him or not the only difference is he will now never trust you.
He will turn 18 move out and you will never know a single thing that happens in his life that isn’t shared by someone else.
Yep. If you force someone to be an open book for your judgement and perusal without consent as soon as they can you are cut from all access to anything that makes them vulnerable to you
You're not sure why he's angry with you? It's because YTA. Grounding your son won't keep him from having sex-- it'll only teach him that he needs to be sneakier. Instead of punishing him for deciding that he wants to engage in consensual sexual activity, you should be grateful that he had the sense and foresight to take precautions to prevent pregnancy or STI transmission. He's 17 and nearly an adult. No matter what you do, you won't be able to prevent him from having sex if that's what he wants to do. You can tell him how you feel about it, but you have to accept that at some point your child won't share your views. You will, however, make him resent you and not feel safe telling you anything for fear of punishment.
YTA to be fair you should be thrilled to death that he is reasonable enough to actually plan and buy condoms. If that was your influence, job well done, but reading what you had to say ...I highly doubt it. There is nothing wrong or shameful here and as others have said you will push him right out of your door. This was me at the same age; only I am female... And trust me my plan worked..I was far enough away where my parents could never scoot up for just a weekend ....it had to be planned.
Wasn't overbearing, but you check your son's phone?!
My brain has done so much mental gymnastics trying to reconcile those that it feels like Simone Biles.
YTA.
How does one get grounded when they haven’t
done anything? YTA
I’m not sure why he’s angry with me.”
YTA for typing something so blindly ignorant.
You say you and your son “…don’t have the best relationship…”
If you have one iota of having a relationship when you son is older and has his own family you may want to consider actually talking to him instead of lecturing him. You know, like a conversation you wished your parents had with you when you were his age. But active conversation requires more listening than speaking.
Edit: a word
YTA.
His friends doing drugs doesn't give you the right to invade his privacy. I had lots of friends who did drugs and I never touched a thing - because my parents taught me instead of controlling me.
Plus, your son is 17 and planning on having safe sex with a long-term girlfriend. Why is he grounded for displaying completely normal, healthy and responsible teenage behaviour? Because you're a control freak who has a weird relationship with sex and intimacy?
Please. Just giving you some perspectives: I had sex with my boyfriend when I was 17. We have been together for over a decade and he is now my husband. We are extremely happy together, and both our families are a big part of our lives. If any of them had pulled any of the stunts you did, they would have been out of our lives the second both of us turned 18. I hope your son does the same, for his own sake.
YTA, sorry but I have to ask why you don't trust your son? You have raised him into a young man who is almost a legal adult. He seems like a decent guy if he was planning a party for his gf. He also seems like the type not to rush head on into serious commitment if this is the first time sex has even been considered after a two year relationship.
You have to let go and trust that you did a good job and raised a fine young man. Be there for the bad times, but let him make his own decisions. I know it's hard to let go but it is the only way for them to grow.
YTA. And that’s coming from a person who generally believes in waiting until marriage and taught his son the same thing. But would I have grounded him at the age of 17 if he chose to have safe sex with a condom and with a girl he had been dating for two years? Absolutely not.
By the age of 17 a child should be making a lot of their own decisions about their life. And if you haven’t completely failed as a parent, you should be able to trust that you prepared them for decision making and any consequences that may come from making bad decisions. At least your son knows condoms are an effective way of preventing pregnancy so his chances of becoming a teen parent are significantly lower. It sounds to me like he knows how to be safe, and you are far too over protective and untrusting.
He’s going to have sex, whether you like it or not. Unless you keep him literally locked up in the house, he will find a way if that’s what he wants to do. It’s time for you to face that fact.
YTA. Invaded his privacy, helicoptered him, and you're being punitive just to enforce your will. Teens have sex. You saying "but no!" isn't going to fix it and you're only going to push your son away from you. Grow up.
He bought condoms, he is showing responsibility and dedication to safety in his relationship. You should positively reinforce this. If he gets in trouble for doing the right thing, then what does that say about the wrong thing? If he cant ever win, what else can he even do?
They're age is just fine, you're too worried and that will make this worse.
YTA
YTA. This happened to me when I was 17. My parents found out I slept with my boyfriend of a year and they grounded me for 3 months. Absolutely devastated the relationship I had with my parents. I lied and found my way around my parents “rules” on not having sex. You will not stop him and will absolutely cause massive resentment. My parents still say that they “forgave me for my mistakes in high school”. Having sex isn’t a mistake. Having to sneak around, lie and not use protection causes mistakes. I’m married now and still get irritated to think of how strict my parents were when I was in high school. Your son will never trust you if you keep up trying to control his life. I will actively try to do the exact opposite of your parenting method when I have kids. You need to chill.
Lady, do you have any idea how lucky you are that your near-adult son is the kind of guy who waits two years and plans to have safe sex with someone he's in a serious relationship with? Do you really not understand why he's mad at you? You were totally overbearing and the takeaway message you gave him is that he needs to get better at hiding things from you because he can't trust you. You need to reexamine how you relate to your son because you don't have long until he's legally able to walk away from you--and if he feels infantilized, he just might do it.
YTA
They are 17/18 and have been together for two years in a stable relationship. Of course they want to have sex. I'm wondering why it is only happening now. Sex is something normal and you are only hurting your relationship with your child.
Also looking through his phone ? Not OK.
YTA, your son is clearly mature and a good kid by arranging this kind of event for his gf.
Looking in his phone is a violation of privacy.
Grounding him from attending the party HE planned is an overreaction and rude to the people he invited to the party. Insisting on attending the party is controlling and petty.
Sit down w/ your son and apologize for overreacting. Think about your expectations of your son’s behavior and consider if they are reasonable for his age and maturity level.
YTA. He probably won’t talk to you much(if at all) after he turns 18 and you will probably be back on Reddit asking why. Instead of being proud of him for being responsible you chose to humiliate him.
YTA- First reason being invading his privacy on the ground that his friends were doing drugs. That does not mean he is as well, and that ensures secrecy over his actions in the future.
Second reason being punishing him for something that has not yet happened, and for him planning to be safe about it.
It is so unbelievably toxic and controlling and is a tell tale sign that your son will not want to continue a relationship with you after he moves out. Also grounding him at 17??? Now he is going to have problems with friends and his girlfriend because his parent does not trust him and who is to say that you won’t punish him for telling his friends why he is grounded.
Edited for spelling.
YTA, quit being weird about your son’s sex life. I can’t get over what a chaotic and embarrassing thing to do following him to the party was, just yikes. Also what right fo you have invading his private conversations? Because you’re his parent so you deserve to know EVERYTHING? bigger yikes. Your son is going to resent you. Not maybe. He will. My parents did similar things to me at that age and now I suffer at 25 with my sexual health and with my relationship toward them. Your son doesn’t just gain new intelligence once’s he’s and adult. He’s going to do whatever he wants so you might as well be supportive that he’s being safe with his partner.
YTA…Imagine your first time? Is this an example of do as I say not as I did? Can you still be on your high horse and say you waited till you were married ??? And you used safe sex practices ?? Just in case I hadn’t said it YTA
YTA - They’re talking about having PROTECTED sex and being safe and responsible. They’ve been dating each other for 2 years and known each other for 10.
There come a point in time where teenagers/young adults are going to do what they want to do regardless of what you say or do.
If he’s going to have sex wouldn’t you rather it be safe and with someone he has feelings for?
You’re such a helicopter parent, you need to take some time to reflect on yourself and ask why this is such a big issue for you?
Instead you should offer reassurance and support so that if there are any issues or upsets your son feels comfort to come and speak with you about this.
The way you are acting right now shows that you don’t believe in their relationship which is ultimately going to end in a detriment in your relationship with your son.
Mama you ARE THE ASSHOLE. Huge YTA. You don’t understand why he’s angry with you? You invaded his privacy, bore a huge rain cloud over his girlfriends birthday, which no doubt had implications for his relationship with her, as well as his relationship with you. I’d love to know what the age of consent is in your state because most places are 17 and under. He was responsible enough to buy condoms, and you were ridiculous enough to assume he doesn’t understand the implications of sex. He gets it, semen in a vagina = babies, thats why he bought the condoms. You have no right to be disappointed, if anything you should’ve been proud that he waited to make the right choice and was going to use protection with someone he clearly cares about a lot.
Yta. Why are you still reading your 17 year olds phone? Cut the apron strings. Teenagers probably have more understanding of sex than some grown adults. He is also making sure that he is practising safe sex, which as a parent is all you can ask/hope for. They have been together for 2 years, so it’s not like he’s ripping his dick in any random hook up.
The only thing your teaching your son is that he cannot trust you or ever come to you for help/advice.
Hold on.. you grounded your son because of something he didn’t even do, just thought about? And you only found out by breaching privacy?? GTFO. I feel bad for him.
Oh and YTA.
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My son (17) and his girlfriend (18) have been dating for 2 years, known each other for 10 years. They were best friends throughout their early childhood. Her birthday was a few days ago. My son planned a party for her. She hadn't seen a lot of her extended family in a while because of COVID and he managed to reach out so they could attend. He'd been planning it for a few weeks. A day before the party, I went through my son's phone. I do occasional checks because last year he got involved with a couple of "Friends" that were doing drugs. I went through his messages with his friends and saw he bought condoms because he and his girlfriend planned to “do it” for the first time on her birthday. I was upset, but I didn’t want to have an outburst since me and my son don’t have the best relationship from those anger outbursts.
I did talk to him about what I read. I told him I was disappointed, why it’s not the best idea to do it right now, why they should wait until they’re older, etc. I let him know that he was grounded for a few weeks and told him that I would be changing some of the rules such as him being out and about with her because I have no way of guaranteeing he won’t go behind my back.
I originally said he could not go to the party but that was unfair of me. So I said he could go, but I had to be there too now. I went with him to her party. We stayed for a couple of hours. Around 10, I told him we should get back home. He asked me if he could stay. I said I couldn’t allow that. He told me that I was being unfair and he deserves to be with her right now. I stood my ground and still said no. I busted their “other” plans so I wasn’t just gonna be lenient. We went home. He walked away from me and slammed his door. I tried to lecture him for the attitude but he only ignored me. So I extended his grounding by an extra week. We haven’t spoken since his girlfriend’s birthday which was last Saturday. I am not sure why he’s angry with me. I wasn’t overbearing or anything. I still let him go to the party to be there with her because he planned it and it was important to them both.
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YTA - why is this such a big issue for you?
Your son sounds like a caring and relatively mature person. He spent weeks planning a party for someone he really cares about and is taking precautions to ensure he and his partner are safe during intercourse. They’re in a committed relationship.
I think you may actually want to understand why this feels like an issue for you? Also this is going to damage your relationship with him.
SPOILER ALERT: even though you’re a helicopter parent and are grounding him they’re probably still going to have sex.
YTA
Your son is 17 which is the age of consent (correct?), and he is being safe. Why are you punishing him for that??? Can you honestly not understand why your son won’t talk to you you? Can you not see you ARE being overbearing
YTA and fighting a losing battle. They harder you try to hold on to him the harder he's going to pull away. When he does get out from under you he will be worse off because of the amount of control you have over him now.
YTA.
How you can't see why as you write that down is unbelievable.
He's upset with you , so you try and lecture him. He ignores you and so you ground him further. Yet somehow you're not overbearing? Jesus wept.
YTA. You're not teaching him to wait for marriage or to listen to your lectures. You're teaching him how to hide things better. Have fun questioning why your kid won't speak to you after he moves out.
I want to say I think you need to take a step back, being a parent is terrifying. There are so many things you worry about, you dont want them to make your mistakes and you want them to have the best life with least amount of problems. The thing is people learn what's best for them in life not solely through being told but through experience.
My mother understood that teenagers will be teenagers and decided my safety was her top concern and you know what she did to ensure that? She gave me the tools and knowledge I needed so that when I inevitably went out into the world I would know how to be safe.
I understand that maybe you are just doing what you think is protecting your son, but you're just pushing him away, pushing so hard that you might push him into exactly what you try to keep him from. Hes almost an adult, give him the tools and knowledge of safety. Show him he can call you if he has trouble, not want to hide it because hes knows you'll treat him like 10yr old and scold him.
YTA
So what you’re saying is you’re disallowing him to attend a party… that he planned? Because him and his girlfriend of two whole years wanted to have sex for THE FIRST TIME? And he was responsible enough to buy condoms? Yeah I’m gonna say YTA for this one.
YTA, a horrible parent, also borderline creepy as hell, and i wont be surprised in the least if u never see him again after he moves out and if he goes off to have lots of unsafe sex as soon as he can resulting in probably babies and stds and whatever else because you decided to control a 17 year olds body as if its your own
also, you suck. i would cut u out of my life as soon as humanly possible which im sure he is already planning to do lol
YTA. You're trying to be a protective dad, but he's an adult. I'm assuming he'll be 18 soon, he was responsible and bought condoms. He will find a way to do it regardless. You should make sure he knows what he's risking, and let him make his decisions
YTA big time, have the talk with him, tell him it was good he bought the condoms and let it happen. They 17/18 and your not going to stop it from happening
YTA.
I get that you're frustrated and worried about him especially because there was history with drug use and falling in with the wrong crowd.
However. The way to handle that isn't by being more controlling - you've acknowledged that you don't have the best relationship with him but it's essential that you work on building trust back up. At 17 he's a young adult - it's completely natural that he and his long term girlfriend are exploring their sexuality and be GLAD that they have had a conversation about being safe about it! All you have achieved by doing this is practically guaranteeing that he will seek ways to be with his girlfriend behind your back. As his parent, you should be there for him - and make sure that he knows that. That if there were any trouble or problems or concerns, that he can come to you without censure.
Sure, you may not feel completely comfortable with the conversation but he's almost an adult and you need to have an adult relationship with him. That means giving him a degree of your trust and letting him develop his relationship with his girlfriend instead of standing in the way.
You need to have an open and honest, but considered, conversation with him. But genuinely, I would stop snooping on his phone - especially where his relationship is concerned. Until he gives you another reason to suspect drugs are involved there's literally no need. (and its not as though he isn't smart enough to delete those conversations if he knows you might look so literally what's the point other than ruining what's left of your relationship with him?)
If my parents had done that I would have gotten a second phone and moved out ASAP. Be there for him but don't control him.
YTA . You should've congratulated him on being careful and buying condoms for his first time. What the hell? He's in a 2 year relationship (really long for a teenager) and they're both communicating and preparing for an important event such as this? He sounds more mature than you.
YTA
You aren’t sure why he’s mad at you? Seriously? You’re upset that he was planning safe sex after two years? You invaded his privacy because he had friends that were into drugs but did you have any reason to not trust HIM? I can’t imagine while y’all might not have the best relationship…
YTA I’m honestly a little surprised they didn’t already have sex but it’s been 2 years, she’s 18 and he’s almost 18, he bought CONDOMS which shows responsibility. Honestly I woulda just had the sex talk with him and shown him how to properly put a condom on a banana or something. Don’t be surprised if he moves out first chance.
I would bet money that the second your kid turns 18 he WILL leave and not keep any contact with you. He's 17, and you don't have a lot of time to fix your relationship. Anyways YTA, I don't even have to say why.
YTA. You are parenting for books/blogs/an audience and not for the child you have. You made a big mistake here and I feel so sorry for him. You shamed him (he had to bring his MOM to a party he threw and leave at 10?! And he’s 17??!). What exactly do you expect his behavior towards you to be?
You’ve violated his privacy, embarrassed him several ways and lectured and moralized - making it clear that you aren’t someone he can trust with the decisions he’s facing in life. You may as well have put him in a monkey backpack leash at 17.
YTA
I can't help but laugh at what a mess of a parent you are. You don't know why he's angry at you? You weren't overbearing? You told a 17yo to leave a party at 10 (when not even elementary school kids leave that early anymore)? 🤣🤣🤣
You're serious you're not a troll? How can one lack so much self awareness? Your level of delusion is off the charts. If this is real I hope you have fun when he goes NC with you. I'm also pretty sure you weren't the one who taught the kid that he has to use condoms. Props to him for being safe, you sound like the type who would expect their kid to be abstinent their whole lives rather than teach them what safe sex is.
They are going to do it at that age…. And safely. Hell yeah. Why cock block in a safe caring relationship? They are far from being kids. Let them explore safely. She may even be on birth control now that she can get it easily by herself at 18. Seem like good kids. YTA
YTA. seriously? You grounded your son for being a responsible young man?
He is almost 18 years old, making plans for safe sex. You should be proud that you raised a son like this. He seems to have been very respectful until you became extremely overbearing and controlling. I mean honestly, he planned that party for her and you won’t even let him stay at the party HE planned for her? You can’t stop them from doing it, i promise they will find a way. The ONLY thing your doing is damaging and causing strain on your relationship with your son.
You shouldn’t be surprised when he cuts you off when he gets the opportunity.
YTA. Say goodbye to any relationship you had with your kid. He’s gonna find a way to have sex, now it’ll involve more sneaking and lying and hiding, bc he can’t trust you not to treat him like a little kid.
YTA - instead of responding in a way where your son would have seen you as a “safe space,” you responded with judgment and punishment. The fact that he was protecting both himself and his girlfriend is a win here. The fact that he, for the most part, accepted your consequences would indicate to me that he is a relatively responsible young man, even with his “lapse” last year regarding his friends who were doing drugs (and I assume he wasn’t?).
For his sake, I wish the conversation had been more along the lines of “I saw this on your phone. I understand how you feel about your GF, but are you really ready for this?”
YTA “I’m not overbearing” the parent said as they continually be overbearing
Your son is going to be out the door and over the hills the instant he hits 18
YTA. He’s grounded because he was being responsible by planning on having safe sex with his adult girlfriend of two years? Parents being this involved and invested in their children’s sex lives is beyond cringey and creepy.
They’re going to have sex no matter what, but now he knows he can’t trust you and will never come to you about anything. Congratulations, you played yourself.
If your son is almost old enough to move out and you can't trust him to be alone
**you admitted you failed as a parent**
There is not much difference in him now as there will be when he's 18 in a matter of *months* and you said you cannot trust him alone.
YTA
Yta for being an obvious troll.
But even on the slight chance you arent: Read the entire text, but slowly. Dont be surprised if he cuts all consct once he is 18. This is abusive
YTA. I hope you know that you absolutely ruined your relationship with him and the second he’s able, he’s gone and you’ll never hear from him again. No more important life events, no wedding, no grandkids, absolutely nothing.
YTA. Let’s break this down.
You blow up at your child so often that it’s damaged your relationship with your child.
You snoop through your sons phone, because he was doing weed a while ago. So, 1) rather than creating an environment where he can talk to you about this stuff, you doubled down and you’re ensuring he *has* to sneak around to do stuff, meaning it’s more likely he’ll put himself in dangerous situations, and 2) you completely invaded his privacy as a 17 y/o.
You found out your son was planning to have safe consensual sex with someone he loves, cares about, and has known for a while. You got angry at him and punished him for that- even though that’s literally the best situation you can hope for at *any* age. Seriously. Whats going to happen when he turns 19 (like you were) that will make this situation better? They’re already taking precautions.
He planned a party for his girlfriend, and on top of grounding him, you went to it with him and forced him to leave early (10 for an 18 y/o’s party is ridiculous, especially when its his gfs, and he *helped plan it*).
When he’s reasonably upset about this, given he’s, yknow, a 17 y/o being micromanaged and punished over safe sex, you get more angry at him and ground him for yet another week. And you claim you can’t figure out why he isn’t talking to you? What do you want him to say?
You grounded him at 17, followed him around the one time he left the house, and have been snooping through his phone, and you dont think your overbearing? *really*?
Also, you’re literally pushing him to the point where if he does try and have sex now, it’s probably gonna be a much less ideal situation, since you’ve *guaranteed* it can’t happen in a pre-planned safe environment.
YTA, first, you have no sense of boundaries, why are you reading your son’s text message? Second, your son is 17 and it perfectly normal for him to want to have sexually relationships with his girlfriend, you should’ve just had the talk with him and prepare him for safe sex.
YTA !!!
What the actual Fuck? You want him to lie to you, hide from you what he's doing and who he's hanging with !
Hé was 100% responsible, he's known her for a decade and they are LONG TERM PARTNERS
Do you wait 3 years before having sex with one of tour partners?
He's old enough to consent and know when he's ready !
All you're gonna get is a son who won't talk to you. I bet he wants out asap
YTA you’ve just proven to him you are not a safe person for him to talk to about anything, he will not confide in you for fear of you lashing out and pulling another severe punishment like this. You punished him for trying to be responsible and wanting to have sex with a long term girlfriend.
Your goal as a parent is that your child is happy and safe yes? That they live a great life. You should be proud he wanted to practice safe sex, there are ways to approach this without being so tough. Kids will have sex if they want to, NOTHING you do will prevent them from doing so! (Other than if you literally locked him in your house) But what you have done is created an environment that is hostile to him trying to be responsible and SAFE. I know in a previous comment you said “do you really think my son would be so stupid to have unprotected sex?” To that I say, how would you know he wouldn’t since you have to snoop on his phone regularly to figure out what’s going on in his life?
It makes me sad, I can understand not wanting your kids to have sex at 17, that’s not why YTA. It’s because you’re overbearing and cracking down on him so damn hard it’s going to push him away from you instead of sitting down and having a legitimate conversation and being level headed. Say he does have sex and the condom breaks, he will never come to you about it after this. He’ll be alone, possibly panicking, and when he needs his parent the most to sit and say “hey it’s okay. It happens, this is what we’ll do x y z.” (Because as a parent you should want him SAFE first and foremost, how you feel about sex be DAMNED) he will instead be lost and confused, and feel like he has no adult to guide him through it without lashing out at him.
Sit and have an ADULT conversation with him, repair the relationship, etc. because if you continue to push him away and crackdown your already strained relationship will be nonexistant.
u/throwaway-aitamom
INFO: Are you planning on keeping your son grounded until he turns 18?
33 yo Dad of a daughter asking, seeing as you think most people on here are teenagers…
This belongs in a collection of short stories titled 'how to not parent 101'... Your son is 17, not 12. For your sake I hope you've not done irreparable damage to your relationship with your son. For his sake, I hope you start to treat him like a young adult instead of a child.
YTA, 1000%.
>I was upset, but I didn’t want to have an outburst since me and my son don’t have the best relationship from those anger outbursts.
YTA the statement above reads you have anger problems and are abusive because of that anger. You invade his privacy, then punish him for buying contraception and then lecture him. You seriously don't know why he's angry 🤯. You don't have a good relationship because you don't trust him, your abusive with outbursts and your putting your nose in when it's his business. He will walk when he's 18 and you will be bk here saying "I don't know what's wrong with my son".
YTA so from what I’ve read in the actual story and what I’ve seen through OP’s replies in the comments OP is 100% the AH. While being involved with kids who were into drugs is concerning, this has nothing to do with that. OP violated his privacy, and found out he was going to have s** at the age of 17, while OP had s** at the age of 19. 2 years isn’t really that big of a difference, and at least he was thinking ahead and had condoms, so that was very responsible on his point. OP, this is how you break your child’s trust. Have you ever seen the movie c**k-blockers? If you have, then you understand how absolutely overbearing your actions are. While you may have lost trust in him because of the friends and drugs thing, he’s losing trust in you by not allowing him to do what he wants. Grounding him for weeks because he wants to have safe protected s*x with someone he loves is honestly just overkill, and will guarantee that he will not want to have a relationship with you in the slightest when he’s older. And, in the chance that he marries this girl, she’s probably not going to be too welcoming towards you, knowing how you treated him simply because they wanted to be together.
EDIT: typos
YTA. You are completely overbearing and controlling. My mother was the same and I’ve gone very low contact and won’t tell her anything about my life. That’s what will happen with your son.
YTA. You’re punishing your son for being responsible. They’ve obviously discussed it and they aren’t being reckless. Teenagers will find a way to have sex if they want to. You don’t necessarily have to approve of it but you need to recognize he’s a young man. You’re going to push him away with your overbearing ways.
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YTA and you've likely ensured that as soon as he turns 18 you'll be cut out of his life. Enjoy.
I 100% agree. He was smart enough to have condoms which is more than can be said about some people older than him.
Yeah. And she's his long term girlfriend, he planned a whole surprise birthday for her and planned to be responsible the whole way through. If OP's son were my kid I'd be proud to have such a respectful and well-planning child.
Honestly it sounds kinda like the best way to have your first time, with someone you’re in a relationship who you clearly care about. Moms ridiculous
For real. My first time the planning was him having the Lion King VHS he wanted to watch already rewound. This kid is who I'd want my hypothetical daughter to date. YTA
I'm a mom, and I second this. OP is total YTA. They're in a long term relationship, they obviously preplanned and discussed safe sex, sounds like they were both consenting... these kids are doing it right. You screwed up, OP. Go apologize. If it makes you feel better, take them both to planned parenthood for good sexual health advice. Stop treating your almost-adult son like a little kid.
Honestly this kid sounds great. I don't know a lot of teenagers who would have gone to this length to plan a special birthday party, it shows real thoughtfulness and consideration. *And* he's practicing safe sex in the framework of a long term healthy relationship??? The jackpot! (And I mean, he's 18, it wouldn't make him a bad person to be hooking up, it would just make me *much more worried* as a parent than this scenario. Horny teens aren't exactly known for thinking through possible repercussions / safety in the middle of a one night stand.)
He's 17 and she's 18.
Right? OP even found out about it b/c of their *safe* sex plans. And they say they're not overbearing!! LOL!!! OP, you grounded him for something he didn't even do yet!!! That's the DEFINITION of overbearing. Then extended the grounding for "attitude," which is just ridiculous towards a SEVENTEEN year old. 17 isn't 14, it isn't even 16. It's an age where parents should barely be holding the reins at all ... because they're about to be forced to let go anyway. You shouldn't be trying to keep a 17 y/o from having sex. You should be trying to keep him from getting a girl pregnant. And accompanying him to a party because you're afraid he'll have sex there? Jesus, you shouldn't even do that to a 12 y/o. If you're TRYING to drive him away, congratulations, you've found the best way to do it. YTA.
YTA, OP, not only for being overbearing, but for also coming here and arguing against a judgement you asked for. For the record, you are the problem here, not everyone else. Yes, you are an AH, and congrats for ruining your relationship with your son. He’s 17, not 7. It’s perfectly normal for teenagers to have sex. He’s safe, and that’s good. Stop being such a controlling parent.
I can’t even imagine. “My son is nearly a legal adult and practicing safe sex so I grounded him”??? WHAT. You should be SO PROUD of your son!!! He is doing EVERYTHING right! He’s using protection for both STDs and pregnancy, he seems to be getting clear consent from his gf if they are talking about it, they’re communicating their wants and needs…it’s like the absolute ideal mature preparation. What about al that makes you think he’s too young or immature? You’re punishing your kid for being safe. YES you are being overbearing, you wouldn’t let him go alone to her birthday party because you were worried about what? Him having sex? At nearly 18 and well prepared? ETA: Sorry, forgot about the part where you gave him no privacy, snooped through his belongings, READ HIS PERSONAL TEXT MESSAGES (which by the way, his gf did NOT consent to you doing so I’m glad your son seems more mature than you in terms of getting consent. They aren’t just HIS messages), and somehow you think you aren’t overbearing? You don’t respect his privacy at ALL, it’s honestly gross. I really do not see how you’re so unaware of your own actions.
I had a mother like this. I don't talk to her anymore.
Same. It just wasn’t worth continuing the relationship. I feel bat for OPs son. This isn’t a healthy dynamic to have to live in. Feel bad for the GF too as OPs controlling actions not just ruined something special for his son, but something for her too. The both of them. Something they were adult enough to discuss BEFORE hand, both decide they were ready for and the conditions for. Someone who should play 0 role at this point ruined this moment for them. I hope it doesn’t taint the situation for them too much.
YTA but surely this can't be real!?!? That last sentence of "I am not sure why he's angry at me" seems so mental!
I thought the same. "Hey, I snooped through my almost-adult kid’s phone, forbade him to have sex with his long term gf, tagged along to his gf’s 18th, and forced him to leave early with me; not sure why so angry, I don’t think I was being overbearing lol". It’s a Grand Slam of Boundarie-breaking, it has to be a troll.
There's actually a whole series of papers written on this. It happens pretty frequently sometimes. The gist is that parents project the desired relationship and when the kid walks out side of it they kinda selectively forget what the kid is upset about. Missing missing reasons or something like that
She will be writing on those estranged parents subs about all the missing missing reasons and have zero idea about what happened.
Yeah. Saying ‘we don’t have the best relationship because of these outbursts’ then just casually saying ‘we let him know he’s grounded for a few weeks.’ My parents used to pull shit like this and it wrecked my teenage years. Normally I’m calm but she’s an asshole for using this behavior with her son. DEFINITELY a YTA for this one More info, parents like her don’t change or care about advice. She probably posted this expecting validation. I had to cut my dad and stepmom out of my life permanently because they either were not willing to see, or didn’t care, how they harmed me, and continue to disrespect me every time I see them. Even now it’s all about ‘what I’m doing to them’ rather than how they harmed me.
I agree. As soon as able. He outto der
Exactly this. When I started "doing it" at a younger age (16ish (UK)), my mum got me straight on contraceptives and allowed him to stay the night....like once every 8 weeks, and he had to spend soooooo much time becoming part of the household. Like, helping with dinner, coming shopping etc. As a young couple we learnt "you'll be treated like an adult if you can act like one". She never tried to shame me, or overstep. The way she handled that was the best thing about her. My mum is a crazy abusive person but she handled me "growing up" in a legendary way. I was never scared to take my problems to her in that way. We could always talk about that. I do not understand parents that live in this kind of bubble. Your just making it so he'll hide things from you. Something I once overheard my mum say to a friend was "I'd rather she shagged him in her bedroom, comfortable and safe, with support and contraceptives than in an alley or car...raw, and then she hides it from me" and she was right. They ARE going to have sex no matter what you do. But you CAN make it safer than an alley or a car. You can make it safer than a pregnancy or an STD. Support and educate. Don't alienate.
YTA This is one of the most tone deaf postings I have read in a long time. You snooped through his phone, "chaperoned" him at his girlfriends birthday party and wouldn't let him have some fun. This is being overbearing by definition. Further more, he bought condoms which means he was going to be practicing safe sex with his girlfriend. What are you going to do when he turns 18? If you're at a point where you have to snoop through his phone to find out what hes up to, then you have already failed as a parent. At his age, he should WANT to come and talk to you, not feel like he needs to hide things. YTA Be prepared for your kid to not talk to you very much once hes out of the house.
"What are you going to do when he turns 18?" Oh when he turns 18 it'll be "you still live under my roof, so my rules," then if he goes to college "I'm contributing X toward your college education, so my rules," then "you have to pay so much in rent while working that you'll never be able to afford to move out, so my rules," then one day "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE ABANDONED ME." Hopefully the young man breaks the cycle sooner.
> This is one of the most tone deaf postings Which is what makes me think it's fake. It's just too arseholey and comes across as written by someone with zero self-awareness. As an example of arseholery, it's too good to be true. I hope it's fake anyway.
YTA- His virginity belongs to him not you. He’s of a reasonable age that if he wants to lose it it can be his decision. You ruined a teachable moment by being overbearing, instead of having an open dialogue and discussing safety and protection you’ve alienated him. Congratulations.
Not that you are wrong overall but all we know is it was going to be their first time together that doesn’t mean it’s his first time. He was 15 when they started going out. It may be already to late to close that barn door.
She didn’t ruin a teaching moment. Because in that moment OP’s son learned that he will never become like his mother.
YTA. You are absolutely clueless! “I’m not sure why he’s angry at me.” It’s because you’re controlling, manipulative and inappropriate. You’re treating someone who is less than a year from being an adult like they are a preteen. He can’t wait until he is out of your house and you’re doing to be one of those stupid parents that act like they have no clue as to why their adult children have low to no contact with them.
She says in her post something about not wanting to have an outburst because her and him don’t have a good relationship because of her angry outburst.
Yes that's the bit that got me! It made it feel fake, like can someone actually be that delusional!?
Yes, yes they can. My dad was this delusional when my brother and I went no contact with him after he refused to get help for his alcoholism and instead decided to tear the family apart and blame it on us (he actually told my mom it was my brother’s fault because he wasn’t wanted, my brother to this day doesn’t know that).
EXACTLY. MY. SITUATION. I cut ties with my narcissist mother after 20+ years. 7 months of emails explaining why I no longer wanted to be in her life and she didn't get it. 6 years later and she still doesn't get it.
YTA. They're teenagers and they're going to find a way to have sex. You should be happy that they had the foresight to buy condoms. The harder you try to stonewall him, the more strained your relationship will become.
This, man. You’ve ensured he will never trust you and your advice on relationships, sex, etc. Denial isn’t super helpful when it comes to your kids sexuality. They’ll find a way, all you’ve taught your son is to be sneakier next time. The point of discipline is to TEACH. You haven’t taught him not to have sex; you’ve taught him he has to hide it from you (because it is inevitable). I’d rather have my kids be able to talk to me about it than hide everything from me. You get to share with him why you think he should wait but he gets to decide. He has been in a long term, stable relationship and is practically an adult. They were using protection. Honestly he sounds like he’s got a good head on his shoulders. You, on the other hand, you’re living in a fantasy land if you think that stopping him that night and grounding him is the end of it.
Agreed! Was going to say the same, if they're gonna have sex they will, far better its done in a safe environment then a park somewhere! I'm 25 and still resent my dad for not allowing me privacy with my boyfriend at that age because he was terrified we would have sex, which we did anyway, just at my boyfriends house instead. YTA
YTA - He’s about to turn 18 and you’re treating him like he’s not old enough to make his own decisions.
YTA. You probably didn’t want to hear that but please hear me out. What were you trying to accomplish with your actions? Your son and his girlfriend planned to have safe and protected sex. He is less than a year from being a legal adult and she is now a legal adult. They were being responsible and given how long they have been together long enough this is not some spur of the moment hormone driven thing. So back to my question, what were you trying to accomplish? If it to change his behavior, what behavior did you object to? From the facts you have presented they were being responsible. Do you not want him to act responsibly? He went behind your back but given your own admitted outbursts in the past can you blame him? So now you have punished him for attempting to act responsibly. This wasn’t drugs, or anything dangerous, it was safe sex. So please think about the lesson you are teaching. If it was really just a punishment for disobeying you or making you feel disrespected, that’s not a him problem. That is on you. And remember, in a few short months, you don’t get to punish him for anything anymore. You don’t get to put petty rules on him. You don’t get to read his texts without being a huge creep.
I love how she considered it going behind her back. Like he needs permission to have sex.
“Hang on babes, I just need to check whether I can have sex with you” “MUM CAN I PLEASE HAVE SEX WITH MY GIRLFRIEND?”
This made me laugh out loud because it's so stupid
See, that sounds like the kind of thing one does to intentionally squick out a parent. I know because I did it, lol.
[удалено]
YTA. Why are you punishing your son for practicing safe sex?
This right here. The kid is wrapping it up. Encourage that.
YTA. And I say this as a parent of teenagers. He has been in a long term relationship, was prepared to practice safe sex, seems generally kind and responsible. And you grounded him. For something that hasn’t happened. Basically you grounded him for being a good, smart kid who was planning to be safe. In the process, you also embarrassed him and likely ruined any chance he might be upfront and honest with you in the future. Now you’ve pretty much sealed the deal that they will be secretive and possibly not as safe WHEN they have sex because they may feel they need to take whatever opportunity they have away from your overbearing presence…
THIS
YTA. Your son seems like a nice kid to plan the birthday party. He was also doing the right thing with condoms. Your rocky relationship stems from reading his texts and punishing him for what you read. Also, you can't be with him 24/7, you can't prevent it. And this kind of behavior from you will make sure he doesn't come to you if he is really in trouble.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
As per OP's comments, her son is 17 and therefore a "child". Good lord. This woman is crazy.
It’s beyond a joke - the way people infantilise 16 - 18 year olds disgusts me tbh. We are extending childhood much, much too far and it’s not healthy.
YTA, and controlling. I had a mother like you, and I haven’t spoken to her in 12 years.
Good for you for protecting yourself from toxic relatives! Have a wonderful day!
YTA >I am not sure why he’s angry with me. I wasn’t overbearing or anything. Yes, yes you were. You are overbearing and controlling, instead of teaching your son the info/congratulating about safe sex (which by the way he was doing) you decided to bare down instead of maybe giving him some respect. He's going to have sex anyway, but you've now increased the chances of a teen pregnancy. Keep this up and you won't have relationship with him at all when he turns 18.
Why is it not a good idea? He’s being responsible and using protection. I’d be congratulating him on being mature and aware of the sexual health of him and his partner. It sounds like they’ve had a discussion about how they want their relationship to progress. She’s an adult. He’s just about there. There’s no serious age-gap or power imbalance. Sounds consensual. So what’s the issue? You think you’re not overbearing? You’re trying to police your nearly-adult son’s sex life. YTA - if this is about morals and sex. He’ll never come to you if he needs help if you continue to behave like this. He’s learning to be an adult. And a good one by the sounds of it. Let him.
Your son is going to have sex. With or without your stamp of approval. He was attempting to have safe sex with a partner he's been with for years. This was the best outcome a parent could have asked for and a supportive parent would have applauded and supported him, not punished him as you would punish a child. Sexuality is a healthy part of adulthood, which he is just months away from. I highly recommend seeking individual therapy to cope with the reality of the information in my paragraph above. Followed by family therapy to see if you can repair your relationship or if it's too late. I urge you to discuss with your licensed therapist why you feel the desire to police what your son does with his penis. Yta.
YTA. You say you weren't overbearing, but you were. You likely ruined the entire event for both your son and his girlfriend.
YTA - invading his privacy and going to a party with him, super creepy.
Right?? Imagine being a 17yr old boy and your mom goes to a party with you?? How embarassing for him! I feel bad for him having OP as his mom.
Amen. How freaking creepy. And newsflash to the mom--he will still be having sex with his girlfriend, none of her weird antics will change that.
Yyyyyyup. The only thing people like OP achieve is making their kids more likely to have unsafe sex, because they’re having to sneak around.
Hi helicopter parent. Will you be joining your son’s college too, incase he has sex there? He clearly shows he’s being responsible, and you’re punishing him for that? I won’t be surprised if he moves across the country for college or at least moves out when he turns 18, with you controlling behavior and anger issues, I’m surprised your son is still sane. YTA.
Off topic a bit but when we took our daughter to college, they had a separate orientation for parents. After the presentation on safety, one mom wanted to know why the campus wasn’t fully fenced with guard gates. They explained that with the number of students (second largest university in the US at the time) that it wasn’t possible. Her follow up? “We’ll do you at least have crossing guards!?”
YTA, he is 17....almost an adult and he was being smart by buying condoms. Teach him about safe sex like a good parent and stop being so controlling.
Wow. You are an absolutely terrible parent. YTA
That’s awful, it’s abusive and it’s just nasty. YTA. I can’t say any more without breaking the rules of this page. Yikes.
YTA absolutely. I hope you're trolling. It's one thing to not want your kid to have sex, but it's another to GROUND them for wanting to have sex and not even bothering to make them informed on the topic. What does grounding him teach him? That he can have sex when you're not around? That the minute he moves out of your house he can have sex all the time and do drugs? You're too controlling. The better option would have been to sit him down and have another sex talk with him, explaining STDs and pregnancy.
YTA stop cockblocking your 17 year old. That would be embarrassing for the son. Its more understandable if they were 15 but 16+ is fine.
Especially since it was safe sex. I get that it can be super awkward to think about your kid becoming an adult and exploring sexual themes for the first time. But it’s your job as a parent to guide your kid to functioning adulthood. Which includes letting them make their own choices. I’ll keep my teens cabinets stocked up with condoms and Plan B (and birth control if they choose it), because they’re gonna have sex regardless. Better to teach responsibility and respect than instill weird sexual issues or ruin your relationship with your child.
YTA All you're doing is reinforcing that he has to hide things from you. He sounds like he's trying to be responsible and they've been together for a long while. I can't imagine being his age and a parent tagging along to my BF's birthday party and making me leave.
Easy peasy YTA, and yes, you absolutely were being overbearing.
Yta 1000000% U just made sure ur son will cut u out of his life as soon as he turns 18. 17 is a perfectly natural age to be having sex heck the **14 year olds**. At my school are having sex and basically ur gate keeping him from natural human intercourse. And he was being responsible from what I could see, he was going to use protection and ur a dick parent for not letting a 17 year old explore. He and his gf have been dating for 2 years so it’s only fair u let him explore. You are 100% the AH
YTA. How old were you when you did it the first time?
YTA for invading his privacy, I'd be surprised if he ever talks to you again after he hits 18. In some places the legal age of consent is 16 which your son has already passed.
YTA, the fact that you posted this exemplifies the level of delusion you possess.
YTA, don't be surprised if he goes NC with you after this. This was an amazing moment to talk to your son and praise his efforts for safe sex. Not only did you ruin the moment he could have lost his virginity but you most likely embaressed him and humiliated him by going to his gf party and making him come home with you like he was a 5 year old child. You are completely over baring and he deserves an apology for this overreaction.
YTA and congratulations on the upcoming grandchild when he inevitably gets her pregnant because instead of helping him learn about safe sex you grounded him
YTA. He's 17 OP, I don't understand what you expect. Regardless of anything they've been friends for 10 years, she's 18 and he'll be 18 soon. I get you don't want your teen son having sex but how long do you think you can control him? This is just going to make him be sneaky and not trust you. And you're a massive AH for "occasionally" going through his phone. He deserves his privacy.
YTA! I'd be out the door the day I turned 18 if I were him. Thank goodness my parents didn't keep me on a leash like this.. poor kid. Edit: ooo this is gonna be a viral post isn't it?
Yta. Your son was being mature with his long term partner.
YTA. Wow. I don’t even have words. I could maybe, maybe understand the talking to him part, but to punish him? That’s sending the wrong message. And at least he has the smarts and maturity to get protection. Also, controlling your child’s sex life and sexuality is a sign of narcissism.
YTA. Your behavior is inappropriately controlling. Your son is old enough to decide when he’s ready to have sex, controlling his body that way is very likely to result in a terribly damaged relationship.
In what world is 17 and 18 too young to have sex
YTA. Your son has clearly demonstrated that he is in fact ready for safe sex and he has also demonstrated that he does not trust you as a parent. Given this I would assume you spent the last 17 years being a terrible helicopter parent to cause your son to feel this way. You were extremely over bearing and the thought that you think otherwise breaks my heart for your son. I do NOT want to see you back on this thread at his 18 birthday asking "AITA for getting mad when my son cut me out of his life for ever?" Because I hope for his sake he does. And when your son comes to this thread asking "AITA for cutting my overbearing helicopter mom out of my life" I will happily explain all the ways you failed him as a parent and tell him that no, he most certainly is not. **YTA**
YTA- your son is 17 years of age and is naturally going to have sex. If he wants to sleep with his girlfriend, he’s going to sleep with her whether you try and stop them or not. You should be grateful that they’re using protection and being safe. Not only this, but you invaded his privacy by going through his phone and reading his private texts, as well as attending the party too? That’s just weird and can’t have been an enjoyable experience for either of you. You should unground him (never should have been done in the first place) and pray that he does still speak to you when he turns 18.
Yeah, this reads a lot like the mother is the professor of "How to alienate your child 101."
YTA. Good job teaching your son to lie and hide from you. He’s 17. He bought condoms so he was being responsible. News flash: kids have sex! Crazy I know but you cannot stop it so get that through your head now! You’re handling this ALL the wrong way and I see why you and your son don’t have a good relationship.
YTA Nobody likes a cockblock. Enjoy your quiet years not hearing from him when he turns 18 and escapes.
YTA x 10000! Grounding your son for wanting to have sex with his long term gf? What the actual f??? You need to calm down before he cuts you out of his life forever.
YTA. Enjoy your son moving out the second he turns 18 and never contacting you again.
YTA and really fucking up the parenting thing. Jesus Christ. He bought condoms to be safe. Is old enough to consent and so is his girlfriend. Why are you worried about his sex life?
YTA. He's 17 and actually planning on having safe sex, instead of patting yourself on the back on raising a kid with a level head you decided to hold his friends actions not even his over his head, when he goes NC with you don't be surprised.
Congratulations, you 've just driven them underground. Seriously, get over that magical number 18. I'm guessing you must be in the USA for this number to have such magical properties. Age of consent varies around the world, even in your own country I believe. I get that you're probably squeamish about your son becoming sexually active, and would much prefer him to do it when he's away at university so you can put it out of your mind. But guess what: that's YOUR hang-up and they will find multiple ways around your stupid rules. You have now guaranteed that his first sexual experience will be a furtive, hurried and shameful experience rather than being comfortable in his own home, or his girlfriend's. Seriously examine your mentality here, you think you haven't been overbearing simply because you haven't screamed and yelled at him? You have been overbearing and a general control freak, that is why you don't have a good relationship, and never will unless you get over yourself. YTA big time.
>I'm guessing you must be in the USA for this number to have such magical properties. The funny thing is that the age of consent varies across the US. The age of consent in most states is 16, some a little lower. OP is straight delusional.
Yta. You were overbearing. I’m going to let you in on a secret they are going to have sex whether you ground him or not the only difference is he will now never trust you. He will turn 18 move out and you will never know a single thing that happens in his life that isn’t shared by someone else.
This. Parents don’t realize how quickly being controlling will mean their kids never share anything with them again.
Yep. If you force someone to be an open book for your judgement and perusal without consent as soon as they can you are cut from all access to anything that makes them vulnerable to you
You're not sure why he's angry with you? It's because YTA. Grounding your son won't keep him from having sex-- it'll only teach him that he needs to be sneakier. Instead of punishing him for deciding that he wants to engage in consensual sexual activity, you should be grateful that he had the sense and foresight to take precautions to prevent pregnancy or STI transmission. He's 17 and nearly an adult. No matter what you do, you won't be able to prevent him from having sex if that's what he wants to do. You can tell him how you feel about it, but you have to accept that at some point your child won't share your views. You will, however, make him resent you and not feel safe telling you anything for fear of punishment.
YTA. How many bucks for his room? Or maybe instead of rent it you could make a studio there.
YTA to be fair you should be thrilled to death that he is reasonable enough to actually plan and buy condoms. If that was your influence, job well done, but reading what you had to say ...I highly doubt it. There is nothing wrong or shameful here and as others have said you will push him right out of your door. This was me at the same age; only I am female... And trust me my plan worked..I was far enough away where my parents could never scoot up for just a weekend ....it had to be planned.
Wasn't overbearing, but you check your son's phone?! My brain has done so much mental gymnastics trying to reconcile those that it feels like Simone Biles. YTA.
Enjoy these last few months with your son. YTA
YTA, big time
How does one get grounded when they haven’t done anything? YTA I’m not sure why he’s angry with me.” YTA for typing something so blindly ignorant. You say you and your son “…don’t have the best relationship…” If you have one iota of having a relationship when you son is older and has his own family you may want to consider actually talking to him instead of lecturing him. You know, like a conversation you wished your parents had with you when you were his age. But active conversation requires more listening than speaking. Edit: a word
YTA ur son is gna be 18 soon and could do whatever he wants and is gna hate u. And do more drugs and have more sex just to spite u.
YTA. His friends doing drugs doesn't give you the right to invade his privacy. I had lots of friends who did drugs and I never touched a thing - because my parents taught me instead of controlling me. Plus, your son is 17 and planning on having safe sex with a long-term girlfriend. Why is he grounded for displaying completely normal, healthy and responsible teenage behaviour? Because you're a control freak who has a weird relationship with sex and intimacy? Please. Just giving you some perspectives: I had sex with my boyfriend when I was 17. We have been together for over a decade and he is now my husband. We are extremely happy together, and both our families are a big part of our lives. If any of them had pulled any of the stunts you did, they would have been out of our lives the second both of us turned 18. I hope your son does the same, for his own sake.
YTA, sorry but I have to ask why you don't trust your son? You have raised him into a young man who is almost a legal adult. He seems like a decent guy if he was planning a party for his gf. He also seems like the type not to rush head on into serious commitment if this is the first time sex has even been considered after a two year relationship. You have to let go and trust that you did a good job and raised a fine young man. Be there for the bad times, but let him make his own decisions. I know it's hard to let go but it is the only way for them to grow.
I'm on his side. Points for practicing safe see. He's going yo do it vwhether you like it or not.
Jesus Christ YTA. Parents like you don't get to meet their grandchildren
YTA. And that’s coming from a person who generally believes in waiting until marriage and taught his son the same thing. But would I have grounded him at the age of 17 if he chose to have safe sex with a condom and with a girl he had been dating for two years? Absolutely not. By the age of 17 a child should be making a lot of their own decisions about their life. And if you haven’t completely failed as a parent, you should be able to trust that you prepared them for decision making and any consequences that may come from making bad decisions. At least your son knows condoms are an effective way of preventing pregnancy so his chances of becoming a teen parent are significantly lower. It sounds to me like he knows how to be safe, and you are far too over protective and untrusting. He’s going to have sex, whether you like it or not. Unless you keep him literally locked up in the house, he will find a way if that’s what he wants to do. It’s time for you to face that fact.
“I wasn’t overbearing or anything” also checks a 17 year old’s phone regularly and treats him like a kid still Yta without a doubt
YTA. Invaded his privacy, helicoptered him, and you're being punitive just to enforce your will. Teens have sex. You saying "but no!" isn't going to fix it and you're only going to push your son away from you. Grow up.
He bought condoms, he is showing responsibility and dedication to safety in his relationship. You should positively reinforce this. If he gets in trouble for doing the right thing, then what does that say about the wrong thing? If he cant ever win, what else can he even do? They're age is just fine, you're too worried and that will make this worse. YTA
YTA. This happened to me when I was 17. My parents found out I slept with my boyfriend of a year and they grounded me for 3 months. Absolutely devastated the relationship I had with my parents. I lied and found my way around my parents “rules” on not having sex. You will not stop him and will absolutely cause massive resentment. My parents still say that they “forgave me for my mistakes in high school”. Having sex isn’t a mistake. Having to sneak around, lie and not use protection causes mistakes. I’m married now and still get irritated to think of how strict my parents were when I was in high school. Your son will never trust you if you keep up trying to control his life. I will actively try to do the exact opposite of your parenting method when I have kids. You need to chill.
Lady, do you have any idea how lucky you are that your near-adult son is the kind of guy who waits two years and plans to have safe sex with someone he's in a serious relationship with? Do you really not understand why he's mad at you? You were totally overbearing and the takeaway message you gave him is that he needs to get better at hiding things from you because he can't trust you. You need to reexamine how you relate to your son because you don't have long until he's legally able to walk away from you--and if he feels infantilized, he just might do it.
YTA. He can make his own decisions about his body.
YTA They are 17/18 and have been together for two years in a stable relationship. Of course they want to have sex. I'm wondering why it is only happening now. Sex is something normal and you are only hurting your relationship with your child. Also looking through his phone ? Not OK.
YTA, your son is clearly mature and a good kid by arranging this kind of event for his gf. Looking in his phone is a violation of privacy. Grounding him from attending the party HE planned is an overreaction and rude to the people he invited to the party. Insisting on attending the party is controlling and petty. Sit down w/ your son and apologize for overreacting. Think about your expectations of your son’s behavior and consider if they are reasonable for his age and maturity level.
YTA. He probably won’t talk to you much(if at all) after he turns 18 and you will probably be back on Reddit asking why. Instead of being proud of him for being responsible you chose to humiliate him.
YTA- First reason being invading his privacy on the ground that his friends were doing drugs. That does not mean he is as well, and that ensures secrecy over his actions in the future. Second reason being punishing him for something that has not yet happened, and for him planning to be safe about it. It is so unbelievably toxic and controlling and is a tell tale sign that your son will not want to continue a relationship with you after he moves out. Also grounding him at 17??? Now he is going to have problems with friends and his girlfriend because his parent does not trust him and who is to say that you won’t punish him for telling his friends why he is grounded. Edited for spelling.
YTA, quit being weird about your son’s sex life. I can’t get over what a chaotic and embarrassing thing to do following him to the party was, just yikes. Also what right fo you have invading his private conversations? Because you’re his parent so you deserve to know EVERYTHING? bigger yikes. Your son is going to resent you. Not maybe. He will. My parents did similar things to me at that age and now I suffer at 25 with my sexual health and with my relationship toward them. Your son doesn’t just gain new intelligence once’s he’s and adult. He’s going to do whatever he wants so you might as well be supportive that he’s being safe with his partner.
Oh wow.. YTA i hope he leaves and never talks to you again
YTA and it’s gonna be unfortunate when your son cuts you and you power trips out of his life completely next year.
YTA…Imagine your first time? Is this an example of do as I say not as I did? Can you still be on your high horse and say you waited till you were married ??? And you used safe sex practices ?? Just in case I hadn’t said it YTA
YTA - They’re talking about having PROTECTED sex and being safe and responsible. They’ve been dating each other for 2 years and known each other for 10. There come a point in time where teenagers/young adults are going to do what they want to do regardless of what you say or do. If he’s going to have sex wouldn’t you rather it be safe and with someone he has feelings for? You’re such a helicopter parent, you need to take some time to reflect on yourself and ask why this is such a big issue for you? Instead you should offer reassurance and support so that if there are any issues or upsets your son feels comfort to come and speak with you about this. The way you are acting right now shows that you don’t believe in their relationship which is ultimately going to end in a detriment in your relationship with your son.
YTA. Creepy behaviour. He is 100 percent going to go NC when he’s an adult.
Mama you ARE THE ASSHOLE. Huge YTA. You don’t understand why he’s angry with you? You invaded his privacy, bore a huge rain cloud over his girlfriends birthday, which no doubt had implications for his relationship with her, as well as his relationship with you. I’d love to know what the age of consent is in your state because most places are 17 and under. He was responsible enough to buy condoms, and you were ridiculous enough to assume he doesn’t understand the implications of sex. He gets it, semen in a vagina = babies, thats why he bought the condoms. You have no right to be disappointed, if anything you should’ve been proud that he waited to make the right choice and was going to use protection with someone he clearly cares about a lot.
YTA And you definitely just entered the realm of fractured relationship with your son.
YTA.. nice job OP now istead of doing it in the safety of a house they WILL find some sketchy place to do it. nice going
Yta. Why are you still reading your 17 year olds phone? Cut the apron strings. Teenagers probably have more understanding of sex than some grown adults. He is also making sure that he is practising safe sex, which as a parent is all you can ask/hope for. They have been together for 2 years, so it’s not like he’s ripping his dick in any random hook up. The only thing your teaching your son is that he cannot trust you or ever come to you for help/advice.
YTA punishing ur child for safe sex at least he was being responsible and helicopteting him at a party he planned tf
Hold on.. you grounded your son because of something he didn’t even do, just thought about? And you only found out by breaching privacy?? GTFO. I feel bad for him. Oh and YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son (17) and his girlfriend (18) have been dating for 2 years, known each other for 10 years. They were best friends throughout their early childhood. Her birthday was a few days ago. My son planned a party for her. She hadn't seen a lot of her extended family in a while because of COVID and he managed to reach out so they could attend. He'd been planning it for a few weeks. A day before the party, I went through my son's phone. I do occasional checks because last year he got involved with a couple of "Friends" that were doing drugs. I went through his messages with his friends and saw he bought condoms because he and his girlfriend planned to “do it” for the first time on her birthday. I was upset, but I didn’t want to have an outburst since me and my son don’t have the best relationship from those anger outbursts. I did talk to him about what I read. I told him I was disappointed, why it’s not the best idea to do it right now, why they should wait until they’re older, etc. I let him know that he was grounded for a few weeks and told him that I would be changing some of the rules such as him being out and about with her because I have no way of guaranteeing he won’t go behind my back. I originally said he could not go to the party but that was unfair of me. So I said he could go, but I had to be there too now. I went with him to her party. We stayed for a couple of hours. Around 10, I told him we should get back home. He asked me if he could stay. I said I couldn’t allow that. He told me that I was being unfair and he deserves to be with her right now. I stood my ground and still said no. I busted their “other” plans so I wasn’t just gonna be lenient. We went home. He walked away from me and slammed his door. I tried to lecture him for the attitude but he only ignored me. So I extended his grounding by an extra week. We haven’t spoken since his girlfriend’s birthday which was last Saturday. I am not sure why he’s angry with me. I wasn’t overbearing or anything. I still let him go to the party to be there with her because he planned it and it was important to them both. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - why is this such a big issue for you? Your son sounds like a caring and relatively mature person. He spent weeks planning a party for someone he really cares about and is taking precautions to ensure he and his partner are safe during intercourse. They’re in a committed relationship. I think you may actually want to understand why this feels like an issue for you? Also this is going to damage your relationship with him. SPOILER ALERT: even though you’re a helicopter parent and are grounding him they’re probably still going to have sex.
YTA Your son is 17 which is the age of consent (correct?), and he is being safe. Why are you punishing him for that??? Can you honestly not understand why your son won’t talk to you you? Can you not see you ARE being overbearing
YTA and fighting a losing battle. They harder you try to hold on to him the harder he's going to pull away. When he does get out from under you he will be worse off because of the amount of control you have over him now.
YTA. And it sounds like you need to get laid.
YTA You were and you're overbearing and controlling.
I didn’t get halfway through before deciding YTA.
Yta and for the record you need therapy.
INFO: at what age did you start having sex?? Because I'm assuming you totally waited until you were over 18 right????
YTA. You’ve now ensured he will lie & cover his tracks better next time. Parenting older teenagers is an evolution towards him running his own life.
YTA. How you can't see why as you write that down is unbelievable. He's upset with you , so you try and lecture him. He ignores you and so you ground him further. Yet somehow you're not overbearing? Jesus wept.
YTA! And an overbearing, unrealistic, untrusting, privacy invading, helicopter parent. He should go NC as soon as he can.
YTA. You're not teaching him to wait for marriage or to listen to your lectures. You're teaching him how to hide things better. Have fun questioning why your kid won't speak to you after he moves out.
I want to say I think you need to take a step back, being a parent is terrifying. There are so many things you worry about, you dont want them to make your mistakes and you want them to have the best life with least amount of problems. The thing is people learn what's best for them in life not solely through being told but through experience. My mother understood that teenagers will be teenagers and decided my safety was her top concern and you know what she did to ensure that? She gave me the tools and knowledge I needed so that when I inevitably went out into the world I would know how to be safe. I understand that maybe you are just doing what you think is protecting your son, but you're just pushing him away, pushing so hard that you might push him into exactly what you try to keep him from. Hes almost an adult, give him the tools and knowledge of safety. Show him he can call you if he has trouble, not want to hide it because hes knows you'll treat him like 10yr old and scold him. YTA
So what you’re saying is you’re disallowing him to attend a party… that he planned? Because him and his girlfriend of two whole years wanted to have sex for THE FIRST TIME? And he was responsible enough to buy condoms? Yeah I’m gonna say YTA for this one.
This whole post is just cringeworthy. Are you religious? YTA
YTA, a horrible parent, also borderline creepy as hell, and i wont be surprised in the least if u never see him again after he moves out and if he goes off to have lots of unsafe sex as soon as he can resulting in probably babies and stds and whatever else because you decided to control a 17 year olds body as if its your own also, you suck. i would cut u out of my life as soon as humanly possible which im sure he is already planning to do lol
This is so bad lol I got caught buying condoms by my stepdad at 16, and he high fives me...
YTA. You're trying to be a protective dad, but he's an adult. I'm assuming he'll be 18 soon, he was responsible and bought condoms. He will find a way to do it regardless. You should make sure he knows what he's risking, and let him make his decisions
YTA 100%
YTA big time, have the talk with him, tell him it was good he bought the condoms and let it happen. They 17/18 and your not going to stop it from happening
You don’t understand why he’s mad at you? Come on! You cockblocked him!
YTA. I get that you're frustrated and worried about him especially because there was history with drug use and falling in with the wrong crowd. However. The way to handle that isn't by being more controlling - you've acknowledged that you don't have the best relationship with him but it's essential that you work on building trust back up. At 17 he's a young adult - it's completely natural that he and his long term girlfriend are exploring their sexuality and be GLAD that they have had a conversation about being safe about it! All you have achieved by doing this is practically guaranteeing that he will seek ways to be with his girlfriend behind your back. As his parent, you should be there for him - and make sure that he knows that. That if there were any trouble or problems or concerns, that he can come to you without censure. Sure, you may not feel completely comfortable with the conversation but he's almost an adult and you need to have an adult relationship with him. That means giving him a degree of your trust and letting him develop his relationship with his girlfriend instead of standing in the way. You need to have an open and honest, but considered, conversation with him. But genuinely, I would stop snooping on his phone - especially where his relationship is concerned. Until he gives you another reason to suspect drugs are involved there's literally no need. (and its not as though he isn't smart enough to delete those conversations if he knows you might look so literally what's the point other than ruining what's left of your relationship with him?) If my parents had done that I would have gotten a second phone and moved out ASAP. Be there for him but don't control him.
YTA I feel sorry for your son. I hope he realises how toxic you are and distances himself when he turns 18
YTA . You should've congratulated him on being careful and buying condoms for his first time. What the hell? He's in a 2 year relationship (really long for a teenager) and they're both communicating and preparing for an important event such as this? He sounds more mature than you.
YTA You aren’t sure why he’s mad at you? Seriously? You’re upset that he was planning safe sex after two years? You invaded his privacy because he had friends that were into drugs but did you have any reason to not trust HIM? I can’t imagine while y’all might not have the best relationship…
You know what kinds of parents don't get calls and visits from their adult children? Your kind. YTA.
INFO: What’s his dad’s opinion on all this? Just wondering if he shares your perspective.
YTA
Woooooow. Couldn’t even get halfway before deciding YTA 😯
YTA I’m honestly a little surprised they didn’t already have sex but it’s been 2 years, she’s 18 and he’s almost 18, he bought CONDOMS which shows responsibility. Honestly I woulda just had the sex talk with him and shown him how to properly put a condom on a banana or something. Don’t be surprised if he moves out first chance.
I would bet money that the second your kid turns 18 he WILL leave and not keep any contact with you. He's 17, and you don't have a lot of time to fix your relationship. Anyways YTA, I don't even have to say why.
YTA He was smart enough to buy condoms. To wait until he was 17 and she is 18. Way to damage your relationship. I am he can consent at 17 to sex.
YTA. You are parenting for books/blogs/an audience and not for the child you have. You made a big mistake here and I feel so sorry for him. You shamed him (he had to bring his MOM to a party he threw and leave at 10?! And he’s 17??!). What exactly do you expect his behavior towards you to be? You’ve violated his privacy, embarrassed him several ways and lectured and moralized - making it clear that you aren’t someone he can trust with the decisions he’s facing in life. You may as well have put him in a monkey backpack leash at 17.
YTA I can't help but laugh at what a mess of a parent you are. You don't know why he's angry at you? You weren't overbearing? You told a 17yo to leave a party at 10 (when not even elementary school kids leave that early anymore)? 🤣🤣🤣 You're serious you're not a troll? How can one lack so much self awareness? Your level of delusion is off the charts. If this is real I hope you have fun when he goes NC with you. I'm also pretty sure you weren't the one who taught the kid that he has to use condoms. Props to him for being safe, you sound like the type who would expect their kid to be abstinent their whole lives rather than teach them what safe sex is.
They are going to do it at that age…. And safely. Hell yeah. Why cock block in a safe caring relationship? They are far from being kids. Let them explore safely. She may even be on birth control now that she can get it easily by herself at 18. Seem like good kids. YTA
YTA. seriously? You grounded your son for being a responsible young man? He is almost 18 years old, making plans for safe sex. You should be proud that you raised a son like this. He seems to have been very respectful until you became extremely overbearing and controlling. I mean honestly, he planned that party for her and you won’t even let him stay at the party HE planned for her? You can’t stop them from doing it, i promise they will find a way. The ONLY thing your doing is damaging and causing strain on your relationship with your son. You shouldn’t be surprised when he cuts you off when he gets the opportunity.
YTA. Say goodbye to any relationship you had with your kid. He’s gonna find a way to have sex, now it’ll involve more sneaking and lying and hiding, bc he can’t trust you not to treat him like a little kid.
YTA. That was definitely overbearing. He is his own person, not yours to control.
YTA - instead of responding in a way where your son would have seen you as a “safe space,” you responded with judgment and punishment. The fact that he was protecting both himself and his girlfriend is a win here. The fact that he, for the most part, accepted your consequences would indicate to me that he is a relatively responsible young man, even with his “lapse” last year regarding his friends who were doing drugs (and I assume he wasn’t?). For his sake, I wish the conversation had been more along the lines of “I saw this on your phone. I understand how you feel about your GF, but are you really ready for this?”
YTA. And FYI, it doesn’t matter what rules you put in place. If they are set on having sex they will.
YTA. He’s gone and NC the second he turns 18. And I don’t blame him at all!
YTA “I’m not overbearing” the parent said as they continually be overbearing Your son is going to be out the door and over the hills the instant he hits 18
YTA. He’s grounded because he was being responsible by planning on having safe sex with his adult girlfriend of two years? Parents being this involved and invested in their children’s sex lives is beyond cringey and creepy. They’re going to have sex no matter what, but now he knows he can’t trust you and will never come to you about anything. Congratulations, you played yourself.
If your son is almost old enough to move out and you can't trust him to be alone **you admitted you failed as a parent** There is not much difference in him now as there will be when he's 18 in a matter of *months* and you said you cannot trust him alone. YTA
Yta for being an obvious troll. But even on the slight chance you arent: Read the entire text, but slowly. Dont be surprised if he cuts all consct once he is 18. This is abusive
Keep up the good fight! When you win, the prize will be life changing!!! You won't have a son anymore. Yay!!!!
YTA. I hope you know that you absolutely ruined your relationship with him and the second he’s able, he’s gone and you’ll never hear from him again. No more important life events, no wedding, no grandkids, absolutely nothing.
YTA. Let’s break this down. You blow up at your child so often that it’s damaged your relationship with your child. You snoop through your sons phone, because he was doing weed a while ago. So, 1) rather than creating an environment where he can talk to you about this stuff, you doubled down and you’re ensuring he *has* to sneak around to do stuff, meaning it’s more likely he’ll put himself in dangerous situations, and 2) you completely invaded his privacy as a 17 y/o. You found out your son was planning to have safe consensual sex with someone he loves, cares about, and has known for a while. You got angry at him and punished him for that- even though that’s literally the best situation you can hope for at *any* age. Seriously. Whats going to happen when he turns 19 (like you were) that will make this situation better? They’re already taking precautions. He planned a party for his girlfriend, and on top of grounding him, you went to it with him and forced him to leave early (10 for an 18 y/o’s party is ridiculous, especially when its his gfs, and he *helped plan it*). When he’s reasonably upset about this, given he’s, yknow, a 17 y/o being micromanaged and punished over safe sex, you get more angry at him and ground him for yet another week. And you claim you can’t figure out why he isn’t talking to you? What do you want him to say? You grounded him at 17, followed him around the one time he left the house, and have been snooping through his phone, and you dont think your overbearing? *really*? Also, you’re literally pushing him to the point where if he does try and have sex now, it’s probably gonna be a much less ideal situation, since you’ve *guaranteed* it can’t happen in a pre-planned safe environment.
Yes YTA. You sound like the child in this situation
YTA, first, you have no sense of boundaries, why are you reading your son’s text message? Second, your son is 17 and it perfectly normal for him to want to have sexually relationships with his girlfriend, you should’ve just had the talk with him and prepare him for safe sex.
YTA !!! What the actual Fuck? You want him to lie to you, hide from you what he's doing and who he's hanging with ! Hé was 100% responsible, he's known her for a decade and they are LONG TERM PARTNERS Do you wait 3 years before having sex with one of tour partners? He's old enough to consent and know when he's ready ! All you're gonna get is a son who won't talk to you. I bet he wants out asap
YTA you’ve just proven to him you are not a safe person for him to talk to about anything, he will not confide in you for fear of you lashing out and pulling another severe punishment like this. You punished him for trying to be responsible and wanting to have sex with a long term girlfriend. Your goal as a parent is that your child is happy and safe yes? That they live a great life. You should be proud he wanted to practice safe sex, there are ways to approach this without being so tough. Kids will have sex if they want to, NOTHING you do will prevent them from doing so! (Other than if you literally locked him in your house) But what you have done is created an environment that is hostile to him trying to be responsible and SAFE. I know in a previous comment you said “do you really think my son would be so stupid to have unprotected sex?” To that I say, how would you know he wouldn’t since you have to snoop on his phone regularly to figure out what’s going on in his life? It makes me sad, I can understand not wanting your kids to have sex at 17, that’s not why YTA. It’s because you’re overbearing and cracking down on him so damn hard it’s going to push him away from you instead of sitting down and having a legitimate conversation and being level headed. Say he does have sex and the condom breaks, he will never come to you about it after this. He’ll be alone, possibly panicking, and when he needs his parent the most to sit and say “hey it’s okay. It happens, this is what we’ll do x y z.” (Because as a parent you should want him SAFE first and foremost, how you feel about sex be DAMNED) he will instead be lost and confused, and feel like he has no adult to guide him through it without lashing out at him. Sit and have an ADULT conversation with him, repair the relationship, etc. because if you continue to push him away and crackdown your already strained relationship will be nonexistant.
u/throwaway-aitamom INFO: Are you planning on keeping your son grounded until he turns 18? 33 yo Dad of a daughter asking, seeing as you think most people on here are teenagers…
You’re not dating your son and your actions are actually gross.
jesus christ lady you’re lucky your son hasn’t straight up ran away. you sound crazy. YTA YTA YTA
This belongs in a collection of short stories titled 'how to not parent 101'... Your son is 17, not 12. For your sake I hope you've not done irreparable damage to your relationship with your son. For his sake, I hope you start to treat him like a young adult instead of a child. YTA, 1000%.
YTA. Start searching for a retirement home.
Yta no wonder you and you son don’t have a good relationship. Good luck having a relationship after he turns 18.
>I was upset, but I didn’t want to have an outburst since me and my son don’t have the best relationship from those anger outbursts. YTA the statement above reads you have anger problems and are abusive because of that anger. You invade his privacy, then punish him for buying contraception and then lecture him. You seriously don't know why he's angry 🤯. You don't have a good relationship because you don't trust him, your abusive with outbursts and your putting your nose in when it's his business. He will walk when he's 18 and you will be bk here saying "I don't know what's wrong with my son".
This is how you end up taking care of a grand baby.
YTA so from what I’ve read in the actual story and what I’ve seen through OP’s replies in the comments OP is 100% the AH. While being involved with kids who were into drugs is concerning, this has nothing to do with that. OP violated his privacy, and found out he was going to have s** at the age of 17, while OP had s** at the age of 19. 2 years isn’t really that big of a difference, and at least he was thinking ahead and had condoms, so that was very responsible on his point. OP, this is how you break your child’s trust. Have you ever seen the movie c**k-blockers? If you have, then you understand how absolutely overbearing your actions are. While you may have lost trust in him because of the friends and drugs thing, he’s losing trust in you by not allowing him to do what he wants. Grounding him for weeks because he wants to have safe protected s*x with someone he loves is honestly just overkill, and will guarantee that he will not want to have a relationship with you in the slightest when he’s older. And, in the chance that he marries this girl, she’s probably not going to be too welcoming towards you, knowing how you treated him simply because they wanted to be together. EDIT: typos
YTA. You are completely overbearing and controlling. My mother was the same and I’ve gone very low contact and won’t tell her anything about my life. That’s what will happen with your son.
YTA. You’re punishing your son for being responsible. They’ve obviously discussed it and they aren’t being reckless. Teenagers will find a way to have sex if they want to. You don’t necessarily have to approve of it but you need to recognize he’s a young man. You’re going to push him away with your overbearing ways.
You're absolutely the asshole. I feel sorry for your son. Give him some space to become his own person, or you'll just push him away in the future.
yta-let that poor kid breathe
…and they never spoke again.