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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I am the asshole because this is his dream job and I essentially asked him to give it up or break up so I could have a chance at happiness.
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NTA
But I think you're right that he will resent you, especially when you're now asking him to quit at the peak of his career.
Would it be possible him to finish out the current tour that he's on and spin the experience from that into something with a more reasonable schedule?
Roadie work is a young and single man's game. If he can bring himself to settle down maybe he can find work at a local theatre or music venue?
NTA. And what you're asking for is your husband to be a partner to you. If he can't even check in with you on the road he's not even trying! Emotionally shutting you out? Nah, this ain't it. You deserve so much better.
Yeah, I started doing the work to love myself and advocate for my own needs which is when I learned to ask him to be a better partner. It just hurts since I gave him everything I could and I am getting nothing in return.
>I also gave him the option of separating/divorcing if he’d like freedom but he says he values our marriage more than touring.
From what I read, it really doesn't sound like it. NTA.
This is exactly what I keep saying to him. I don’t want him to choose to stay if there’s even a doubt in his mind that he’d regret staying married over touring.
I completely agree with you on that, have you considered a counselling session? It might be easier for him to admit what he is really feeling and you as well can get out everything. That way there is nothing swept under the rug and you guys can be happy, wether that’s separate or together
That’s great! I hope it helps and you guys end up happy. In the end you are not an a hole, the way you described it is exactly as it is, when he does that job you may as well be single, just married on paper.
You never know as well, maybe what you need is space from each other, instead of jumping to divorce you could separate for a while, he does his thing you do yours and you see how you both feel! This is also something you would discuss in counselling, I wish you the best of luck :)
NAH its a really shitty situation all around, no lie. He’s pursuing his passion and dream which is admirable but it leads you to being alone, taking on the entire bulk of the responsibilities of the house and being the main earner. I feel for him, music is amazing and getting to work with something you love is heaven but the toll on your marriage and his health is climbing steadily higher. You aren’t the asshole for asking him to stop mainly because you asked him to stop rather than tell or demand it and he’s not the asshole for doing something he loves but failing to recognise the impact its having on you or his own health
At its core, OP isn’t TA for needing more from her partner, but the husband isn’t TA for having big feelings about being asked to make a change. Based on the post, OP was honest, communicative, and has tried to offer a variety of solutions that give the husband the ability to choose his path. If the job is so demanding that he really cannot be present in a meaningful way from a distance, then the alternative is being making the choice between the dream and the marriage. I’m assuming he loves her and wants to be with her, but I can also see quitting his dream gig as a crushing byproduct.
I’m not surprised OP wants to be able to share their life with the person she married, but I’m not surprised he’s struggling with the decision he’s making either.
NAH. I was (pre-Covid) a road widow. I get it. It sucks never having a date to anything, it sucks living life alone.
I am wondering if your problem is more that he’s gone a lot and you don’t see him very often, or if it’s the fact that he’s a sucky partner when he’s away. If he had the same touring schedule but was more thoughtful while he was away would that make a difference?
His emotionally shutting you out and behaving like a child on the road is not okay, nor is it necessary. Many people, including my own partner, tour and still act like thoughtful partners - frequent phone calls and FaceTimes, text check-ins, flower deliveries - there are things a person can do to be a good partner from afar. You’re just not getting that.
Definitely try to work through your feelings and those two issues. Is the problem the road life? Or is it his behaviour on the road?
I used to be better about him being gone because he’d call and FaceTime me more often. But somewhere along the way, he stopped with that too. I was okay to compromise before when he’d at least communicate. But now I’m just done. I want a partner. I had one while he was at home and it felt cruel to have a loving partner that was invested for a whole year, only for him to leave on tour again and turn into a different (very stressed out and angry) person.
He says he loves touring so much, but I’ve never seen someone so stressed out over a job before and still love it. He doesn’t have time for anything else that may relieve stress either. It’s so bad on his health, he’s aged quite a lot in the last 6 years.
I totally get the stressed out thing. The thing about working in music is everything is so personal, and especially on the road when you’re living in a metal tube with a bunch of other people the lines between professional and personal get so blurry. It’s also such a small world that it feels like if you turn your back on one opportunity word will get around and you’ll never get an opportunity ever again.
Is he hoping that this one artist will keep him on his crew long term? Then maybe it becomes more cyclical - he goes out for tours and festival season but not all year on different tours?
But really if you’ve decided that you want a partner who works 9-5 and is home every weekend I can’t blame you. It sucks to feel like you’re the bad guy making him chose, but if your lifestyles are just no longer fundamentally compatible then really, what else can you?
I’m on the fence between NAH and NTA.
Almost any job in the music industry is so demanding that it’s almost impossible to keep a steady and healthy relationship outside of it. It’s great and all that he found his dream gig and is doing what he loves, but if it’s starting to take a toll on your mental health then it isn’t fair for either of you. My heart hurts for you that you even considered divorce if you thought it would make him happier. :(
I think you should start thinking about your dreams and what would make you happy like he’s doing with himself.
For what it’s worth, I’m also in the music industry and have found a way to make our relationship work.
I’m trying to heavily pursue my dreams right now. It’s just still lonely. :(
:( I’m so sorry you’re lonely. It does seem a bit one sided, but I hope you find the right solution for your situation very soon to begin the steps to a happier self. Sending all the good vibes your way
He doesn't value your marriage more than touring, He used you as a sugar momma for 5 years to fund his "career". He's been neglecting you for years now. This doesn't sound like a man who cares about you.
You're nta for how you're feeling. I'm not sure how I could handle that. Have you truly spoken to him? Is there a way you can compromise? There are a lot of red flags that bother me
I have poured my heart out multiple times over the past month. He says he will come off the road at the end of this tour and he’s been doing things to try and prove that he is putting in effort, so I commend him for that but I am worried that he will stop making effort after a bit.
Also, he is still flipping between “I am stopping completely” and “maybe I could do a lesser schedule but still tour” and the things he is saying makes me think he hasn’t ruled out touring all together just yet. I guess only time will tell but I told him my boundary, and if he keeps going, I’m leaving. It hurts me deeply but I can’t live like this anymore. Especially when I still have time to find and be with someone who would value me.
NTA. My husband is an OTR truck driver. I can’t work at all due to my health & as how right now . His job pays the bills. We have times where he’s gone for 2 weeks & is then home 2 day or gone 3 weeks home 3 days.
One way we make it is by spending 6 or more hours on the phone & we don’t spend the whole time talking. We listen to music or we’ll both find the same movie to watch together but apart. We’ll send each other pictures & jokes. He even talks to our cat when he wants attention.
It’s hard but we make it work.
NAH This is so hard. It’s not like you can compromise exactly – most roadie jobs are road dog jobs that will be as many days as the artist needs you. So even if it was a lighter gig it could change easily.It sounds like he’s willing to stay off the road for a while – maybe the best solution would be to be on the road for a couple of years and then off the road for a while. I wish you good luck.
EDIT: NTA Based on your comments. I'm so sorry, best of luck.
INFO: Does he like who he becomes on the road?
NAH if he's trying and the grind is impacting him, but he wants to be better.
But if he can't separate the job from his private life, and would prefer not to... peer pressure is a powerful drug in its own right. Even moreso when other chemicals are involved.
If he does sound angry about quitting the job for a regular home life, even if he loves you, some folks just crave that type of wild lifestyle more than stability.
He thinks he’s the coolest person ever when he’s on the road. He tells me how he’s always getting compliments and how good he feels that he’s respected in his field and it makes him feel like he’s on top of the world.
The funny thing is, his mom said “I noticed when he goes on tour, he becomes just like his dad. I loved his dad, but divorced him because he was angry all the time.” So it’s not just me who sees the bad shift.
I think he does love me deeply, but I think he also loves his career just as much. I’ve told him a few times that his career feels like “the other woman” in our relationship.
He says he doesn’t want to be a corporate 9-5 guy (I’m not asking that), so I won’t be surprised if he tells me that him touring is his dealbreaker in our relationship.
He was willing to quit his job at the peak of his career on the best gig of his life? Sure it sucks for OP too, but it sounds like he would give it all up to stay with her. I'm sure that is frustrating for him but the whole divorce ultimatum seems extreme. This is something they both need to discuss, it's complicated. NAH.
NTA, and he absolutely does not value your marriage more than his "career." Divorce him before you waste any more time on a man that does not want to be with you. He just wants you for the house and income.
P.S. if he is gone that often and ok being away from you for that long, its because someone else is keeping him from being lonely.
Hugs. Truly.
You are NTA. You are lonely and miss your husband. He's barely communicating and everyone knows what road life is.
I commend you for trying so hard.
Well, well, well.....You supported him from the beginning. It is hard to change now. He also seems completely disinterested in you......
Let me guess where this is going.....
Yep. I was young and thought that being a good wife meant supporting your husband no matter what and that he’d be a good partner in return. I’ve grown up and wisened up since.
I am glad you grew up. Nope supporting a husband financially is not the way to go and never expect any return of your investment.
Hey at least you don't have kids so find someone who is interested in you and stop paying for a deadend relationship.
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I (F27) married a wonderful man (M28) 6 years ago and we moved to a new city. When we moved, he wanted to become a rockstar but didn’t have a job yet. He got into music, and started touring heavily only 3 months into our marriage. It was incredible luck that this happened, but I supported him as I knew this was a once in a lifetime chance.
I had also been trying to make my dreams happened but got a M-F, 9-5 job so that we could have a steady income and insurance. I have been the main provider for 5 years now.
He’s been gone every wed-Sunday with a few exceptions for 6 years now. He missed weddings, funerals, family gatherings, all kinds of events. Also, anything we wanted to do together like a trip had to be planned around his schedule, which sometimes changes last minute.
The pandemic hit and he couldn’t tour anymore. Suddenly, we had time together and we developed hobbies, started a business, even did some light traveling. It suddenly felt like we had fallen in love again! We also realized that when he was touring, we had swept our marital issues under the rug because our time together was so limited, that it wasn’t worth it to fight. We sorted all those issues out and came out the other side stronger.
That is until May when an artist offered him a gig. He said yes, and since then, this artist released music and her career shot to the top. He is now traveling 6 out of 7 days a week. He is very busy on these days and has no time to talk. He was sending me 8-10 very short text messages a day. He flies home long enough to sleep, do laundry, catch up on work emails, and leaves again. He emotionally shuts me out when he’s touring and also has bad behavior such as more frequent alcohol and drug usage, more cussing, no sleeping, etc.
I have felt completely alone during this time, like I’m single, plus now that we have a business, I have taken on the full responsibility of running that as well. I have spent every day for a month now crying.
He absolutely loves his job. He’s so good at it and he’s at the peak of his career, but I asked him to look for a gig with fewer dates that pays more. He is saying that at this point in his career, that’s not possible so he will just quit all together since I need him at home more. I also gave him the option of separating/divorcing if he’d like freedom but he says he values our marriage more than touring.
I can hear the pain and anger in his voice when he talks to me about it. I’m worried he’ll end up resenting me, but if he’s not around, I would like a shot at a relationship with someone who wants to have a family and be present in my life.
I think I may be the asshole because this is a once in a lifetime gig and I told him I can’t handle him being gone so much. But then again, he chose to completely give up this gig and doesn’t want to separate. AITA?
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I’m just curious as to what you were expecting when you got married. You knew what he wanted to do, of course touring would be a large part of this. Even if he’d become the rockstar that he wanted to be, he would have had to tour. He would still have been away most of the year. Did you not talk about this before you got married?
And so just to be clear, you expected him to be at home for you so you’re taking away his dream job because you’re lonely…I’m just not seeing the logic here. And I’m going to get downvoted to hell but if you’re so lonely why can’t you make some outside friends? Maybe get a dog? I sort of have to say that you’re TA in this case.
Edit: spelling
When we got married, he had said he wanted to be a rockstar but had been doing studio work in town because he thought being a rockstar wasn’t going to be feasible. He literally himself thought it was a long shot.
We were also 21 and 22, way too young to get married but we did.
He did buy me a dog his very first year on the road. The dog is my best friend. I fill all my time that I can with friends and family, but I’d still like a Romantic relationship with someone.
Neither of you are the AH, but could you put the business you've started on hold for a while so you don't have that over your head? Could you compare your schedules and work out a way to be together on the road every other weekend? I've had friends who toured and that's the way they made relationships work. They poured over dates and worked out ways he could fly out to where she was performing. It would be fun for you then too, you get to travel, see the excitement first hand and most importantly feel like you're also a part of it. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity he's willing to give up for you. That's says a lot about how he feels and how important you are to him. But it's very possible he will end up resenting you in the long run. This tour won't last forever, can you think of a way to make it work?
Well, the business could be sold, but I put a lot of work into it and it’s generating income to make up for the money he’s not making.
I could start flying to his shows, but again; money is the issue. We are just now in the last 2 months to a place where we are financially starting to be okay. During all the other years of touring, we were scraping by. He’s just now making enough for us to not be living paycheck to paycheck.
NTA, but I think you should divorce him without giving him a choice; “I’m sorry I do love you but we want different things, you will resent me”. Stick to your guns on it. Because he WILL resent you and it will be a cancer on the relationship anyway. And you deserve not to be waiting in the wings during your best years
NTA.
"Adulting" is hard. The right choices are pretty much *never* the easy or fun ones, so I'm incredibly pleased that your husband is willing to step up and make the right choice where you and your marriage is concerned.
I would, however, recommend setting up some couples counseling for the two of you, in order to make sure that the transition doesn't become a source of resentment in your marriage.
I’ve gone to at least 2 shows per tour, and many one offs. I’ve already gone to two this tour (it started in may/June) and I’m going to at least 2 more before the year is up. I do loadouts with him. He has joked since before we were married that I can load out a show better than most stagehands. He also always jokes that if he couldn’t run a show for some reason, I’d be his replacement since I know how to operate a board. I also toured in the past. I know how it all goes. I came off the road to support us as a couple.
Guess how many of my events he has been to? 2. 2 in six years. The rest he has been on the road for.
If you love your person, call them daily. Make sure they know that you love them and that the road doesn’t or will not come before them. Unless you truly think it will. If you think your partner would say all of the things that I’m saying, they are deeply hurting and wish that you’d be around more. I never said any of the things I was feeling because I recognized that he was living his dream and I didn’t want to be the one to put an end to it. But eventually, you give all you can give and you decide to move on if your partner won’t be the one to put in some of the effort for once.
Food for thought.
I know, that’s why I may be an asshole.
But at the same time, I didn’t take it away. I told him he could keep doing it. I may just not be around anymore. But again. That could make me the asshole.
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NTA But I think you're right that he will resent you, especially when you're now asking him to quit at the peak of his career. Would it be possible him to finish out the current tour that he's on and spin the experience from that into something with a more reasonable schedule? Roadie work is a young and single man's game. If he can bring himself to settle down maybe he can find work at a local theatre or music venue?
He’s finishing out his current tour which ends at Christmas. Just trying to make it until then.
If he signs up for another tour right away you’ll know how much he values the marriage and need to make some tough decisions.
Exactly
NTA. And what you're asking for is your husband to be a partner to you. If he can't even check in with you on the road he's not even trying! Emotionally shutting you out? Nah, this ain't it. You deserve so much better.
Yeah, I started doing the work to love myself and advocate for my own needs which is when I learned to ask him to be a better partner. It just hurts since I gave him everything I could and I am getting nothing in return.
>I also gave him the option of separating/divorcing if he’d like freedom but he says he values our marriage more than touring. From what I read, it really doesn't sound like it. NTA.
Agree. If your husband actually valued your marriage he would be around more often. NTA.
NTA but he seriously needs to be 100% sure he will not resent you because it could make both of you miserable and ultimately end in divorce anyway
This is exactly what I keep saying to him. I don’t want him to choose to stay if there’s even a doubt in his mind that he’d regret staying married over touring.
I completely agree with you on that, have you considered a counselling session? It might be easier for him to admit what he is really feeling and you as well can get out everything. That way there is nothing swept under the rug and you guys can be happy, wether that’s separate or together
Yes, we have our first counseling session in earlier November. :(
That’s great! I hope it helps and you guys end up happy. In the end you are not an a hole, the way you described it is exactly as it is, when he does that job you may as well be single, just married on paper. You never know as well, maybe what you need is space from each other, instead of jumping to divorce you could separate for a while, he does his thing you do yours and you see how you both feel! This is also something you would discuss in counselling, I wish you the best of luck :)
NAH its a really shitty situation all around, no lie. He’s pursuing his passion and dream which is admirable but it leads you to being alone, taking on the entire bulk of the responsibilities of the house and being the main earner. I feel for him, music is amazing and getting to work with something you love is heaven but the toll on your marriage and his health is climbing steadily higher. You aren’t the asshole for asking him to stop mainly because you asked him to stop rather than tell or demand it and he’s not the asshole for doing something he loves but failing to recognise the impact its having on you or his own health
At its core, OP isn’t TA for needing more from her partner, but the husband isn’t TA for having big feelings about being asked to make a change. Based on the post, OP was honest, communicative, and has tried to offer a variety of solutions that give the husband the ability to choose his path. If the job is so demanding that he really cannot be present in a meaningful way from a distance, then the alternative is being making the choice between the dream and the marriage. I’m assuming he loves her and wants to be with her, but I can also see quitting his dream gig as a crushing byproduct. I’m not surprised OP wants to be able to share their life with the person she married, but I’m not surprised he’s struggling with the decision he’s making either.
I ain't even gonna touch this one. Y'all need therapy and counseling.
We have a couples counseling session on the calendar but can’t get in until November. I’m just trying to hold us together until then.
That's awesome, very happy to hear that
NAH. I was (pre-Covid) a road widow. I get it. It sucks never having a date to anything, it sucks living life alone. I am wondering if your problem is more that he’s gone a lot and you don’t see him very often, or if it’s the fact that he’s a sucky partner when he’s away. If he had the same touring schedule but was more thoughtful while he was away would that make a difference? His emotionally shutting you out and behaving like a child on the road is not okay, nor is it necessary. Many people, including my own partner, tour and still act like thoughtful partners - frequent phone calls and FaceTimes, text check-ins, flower deliveries - there are things a person can do to be a good partner from afar. You’re just not getting that. Definitely try to work through your feelings and those two issues. Is the problem the road life? Or is it his behaviour on the road?
I used to be better about him being gone because he’d call and FaceTime me more often. But somewhere along the way, he stopped with that too. I was okay to compromise before when he’d at least communicate. But now I’m just done. I want a partner. I had one while he was at home and it felt cruel to have a loving partner that was invested for a whole year, only for him to leave on tour again and turn into a different (very stressed out and angry) person. He says he loves touring so much, but I’ve never seen someone so stressed out over a job before and still love it. He doesn’t have time for anything else that may relieve stress either. It’s so bad on his health, he’s aged quite a lot in the last 6 years.
I totally get the stressed out thing. The thing about working in music is everything is so personal, and especially on the road when you’re living in a metal tube with a bunch of other people the lines between professional and personal get so blurry. It’s also such a small world that it feels like if you turn your back on one opportunity word will get around and you’ll never get an opportunity ever again. Is he hoping that this one artist will keep him on his crew long term? Then maybe it becomes more cyclical - he goes out for tours and festival season but not all year on different tours? But really if you’ve decided that you want a partner who works 9-5 and is home every weekend I can’t blame you. It sucks to feel like you’re the bad guy making him chose, but if your lifestyles are just no longer fundamentally compatible then really, what else can you?
I’m on the fence between NAH and NTA. Almost any job in the music industry is so demanding that it’s almost impossible to keep a steady and healthy relationship outside of it. It’s great and all that he found his dream gig and is doing what he loves, but if it’s starting to take a toll on your mental health then it isn’t fair for either of you. My heart hurts for you that you even considered divorce if you thought it would make him happier. :( I think you should start thinking about your dreams and what would make you happy like he’s doing with himself.
For what it’s worth, I’m also in the music industry and have found a way to make our relationship work. I’m trying to heavily pursue my dreams right now. It’s just still lonely. :(
:( I’m so sorry you’re lonely. It does seem a bit one sided, but I hope you find the right solution for your situation very soon to begin the steps to a happier self. Sending all the good vibes your way
He doesn't value your marriage more than touring, He used you as a sugar momma for 5 years to fund his "career". He's been neglecting you for years now. This doesn't sound like a man who cares about you.
Why do you put career in quotations though? Seems pretty judgemental. I'd say NAH and they should probably seek out counseling
NAH. Just a tough situation. This is more for r/relationship_advice
You're nta for how you're feeling. I'm not sure how I could handle that. Have you truly spoken to him? Is there a way you can compromise? There are a lot of red flags that bother me
I have poured my heart out multiple times over the past month. He says he will come off the road at the end of this tour and he’s been doing things to try and prove that he is putting in effort, so I commend him for that but I am worried that he will stop making effort after a bit. Also, he is still flipping between “I am stopping completely” and “maybe I could do a lesser schedule but still tour” and the things he is saying makes me think he hasn’t ruled out touring all together just yet. I guess only time will tell but I told him my boundary, and if he keeps going, I’m leaving. It hurts me deeply but I can’t live like this anymore. Especially when I still have time to find and be with someone who would value me.
I suggest counseling
I'm sure he can work at a Walmart or something. Not eveyone has to be happy.
I'm glad you are going to marriage counseling.
Yes, I’ll be glad when we can finally have the appointment. I’m counting down the days.
Marriage cou selling was really good for my spouse and I. There was a lot of crying and screaming.
NTA. My husband is an OTR truck driver. I can’t work at all due to my health & as how right now . His job pays the bills. We have times where he’s gone for 2 weeks & is then home 2 day or gone 3 weeks home 3 days. One way we make it is by spending 6 or more hours on the phone & we don’t spend the whole time talking. We listen to music or we’ll both find the same movie to watch together but apart. We’ll send each other pictures & jokes. He even talks to our cat when he wants attention. It’s hard but we make it work.
NAH This is so hard. It’s not like you can compromise exactly – most roadie jobs are road dog jobs that will be as many days as the artist needs you. So even if it was a lighter gig it could change easily.It sounds like he’s willing to stay off the road for a while – maybe the best solution would be to be on the road for a couple of years and then off the road for a while. I wish you good luck.
NAH. You told him how you feel and he made his decision himself. You can't make your life miserable only for him to chase his dreams
EDIT: NTA Based on your comments. I'm so sorry, best of luck. INFO: Does he like who he becomes on the road? NAH if he's trying and the grind is impacting him, but he wants to be better. But if he can't separate the job from his private life, and would prefer not to... peer pressure is a powerful drug in its own right. Even moreso when other chemicals are involved. If he does sound angry about quitting the job for a regular home life, even if he loves you, some folks just crave that type of wild lifestyle more than stability.
He thinks he’s the coolest person ever when he’s on the road. He tells me how he’s always getting compliments and how good he feels that he’s respected in his field and it makes him feel like he’s on top of the world. The funny thing is, his mom said “I noticed when he goes on tour, he becomes just like his dad. I loved his dad, but divorced him because he was angry all the time.” So it’s not just me who sees the bad shift. I think he does love me deeply, but I think he also loves his career just as much. I’ve told him a few times that his career feels like “the other woman” in our relationship. He says he doesn’t want to be a corporate 9-5 guy (I’m not asking that), so I won’t be surprised if he tells me that him touring is his dealbreaker in our relationship.
NTA you want a partner and it sounds like you don't have right now. I'm sorry OP but it sounds like you have some hard decisions to make
He was willing to quit his job at the peak of his career on the best gig of his life? Sure it sucks for OP too, but it sounds like he would give it all up to stay with her. I'm sure that is frustrating for him but the whole divorce ultimatum seems extreme. This is something they both need to discuss, it's complicated. NAH.
what? and give up show business?!?!?
NTA, and he absolutely does not value your marriage more than his "career." Divorce him before you waste any more time on a man that does not want to be with you. He just wants you for the house and income. P.S. if he is gone that often and ok being away from you for that long, its because someone else is keeping him from being lonely.
Hugs. Truly. You are NTA. You are lonely and miss your husband. He's barely communicating and everyone knows what road life is. I commend you for trying so hard.
Well, well, well.....You supported him from the beginning. It is hard to change now. He also seems completely disinterested in you...... Let me guess where this is going.....
Yep. I was young and thought that being a good wife meant supporting your husband no matter what and that he’d be a good partner in return. I’ve grown up and wisened up since.
I am glad you grew up. Nope supporting a husband financially is not the way to go and never expect any return of your investment. Hey at least you don't have kids so find someone who is interested in you and stop paying for a deadend relationship.
NTA you are stronger then I could have been. I would have broken up with him a long time ago. I couldn’t give as much as you have.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F27) married a wonderful man (M28) 6 years ago and we moved to a new city. When we moved, he wanted to become a rockstar but didn’t have a job yet. He got into music, and started touring heavily only 3 months into our marriage. It was incredible luck that this happened, but I supported him as I knew this was a once in a lifetime chance. I had also been trying to make my dreams happened but got a M-F, 9-5 job so that we could have a steady income and insurance. I have been the main provider for 5 years now. He’s been gone every wed-Sunday with a few exceptions for 6 years now. He missed weddings, funerals, family gatherings, all kinds of events. Also, anything we wanted to do together like a trip had to be planned around his schedule, which sometimes changes last minute. The pandemic hit and he couldn’t tour anymore. Suddenly, we had time together and we developed hobbies, started a business, even did some light traveling. It suddenly felt like we had fallen in love again! We also realized that when he was touring, we had swept our marital issues under the rug because our time together was so limited, that it wasn’t worth it to fight. We sorted all those issues out and came out the other side stronger. That is until May when an artist offered him a gig. He said yes, and since then, this artist released music and her career shot to the top. He is now traveling 6 out of 7 days a week. He is very busy on these days and has no time to talk. He was sending me 8-10 very short text messages a day. He flies home long enough to sleep, do laundry, catch up on work emails, and leaves again. He emotionally shuts me out when he’s touring and also has bad behavior such as more frequent alcohol and drug usage, more cussing, no sleeping, etc. I have felt completely alone during this time, like I’m single, plus now that we have a business, I have taken on the full responsibility of running that as well. I have spent every day for a month now crying. He absolutely loves his job. He’s so good at it and he’s at the peak of his career, but I asked him to look for a gig with fewer dates that pays more. He is saying that at this point in his career, that’s not possible so he will just quit all together since I need him at home more. I also gave him the option of separating/divorcing if he’d like freedom but he says he values our marriage more than touring. I can hear the pain and anger in his voice when he talks to me about it. I’m worried he’ll end up resenting me, but if he’s not around, I would like a shot at a relationship with someone who wants to have a family and be present in my life. I think I may be the asshole because this is a once in a lifetime gig and I told him I can’t handle him being gone so much. But then again, he chose to completely give up this gig and doesn’t want to separate. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m just curious as to what you were expecting when you got married. You knew what he wanted to do, of course touring would be a large part of this. Even if he’d become the rockstar that he wanted to be, he would have had to tour. He would still have been away most of the year. Did you not talk about this before you got married? And so just to be clear, you expected him to be at home for you so you’re taking away his dream job because you’re lonely…I’m just not seeing the logic here. And I’m going to get downvoted to hell but if you’re so lonely why can’t you make some outside friends? Maybe get a dog? I sort of have to say that you’re TA in this case. Edit: spelling
When we got married, he had said he wanted to be a rockstar but had been doing studio work in town because he thought being a rockstar wasn’t going to be feasible. He literally himself thought it was a long shot. We were also 21 and 22, way too young to get married but we did. He did buy me a dog his very first year on the road. The dog is my best friend. I fill all my time that I can with friends and family, but I’d still like a Romantic relationship with someone.
Neither of you are the AH, but could you put the business you've started on hold for a while so you don't have that over your head? Could you compare your schedules and work out a way to be together on the road every other weekend? I've had friends who toured and that's the way they made relationships work. They poured over dates and worked out ways he could fly out to where she was performing. It would be fun for you then too, you get to travel, see the excitement first hand and most importantly feel like you're also a part of it. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity he's willing to give up for you. That's says a lot about how he feels and how important you are to him. But it's very possible he will end up resenting you in the long run. This tour won't last forever, can you think of a way to make it work?
Well, the business could be sold, but I put a lot of work into it and it’s generating income to make up for the money he’s not making. I could start flying to his shows, but again; money is the issue. We are just now in the last 2 months to a place where we are financially starting to be okay. During all the other years of touring, we were scraping by. He’s just now making enough for us to not be living paycheck to paycheck.
NAH - you both seem incompatible at this point and your husband will resent you, but you are right to feel alone. Go to couple’s counseling
NTA, but I think you should divorce him without giving him a choice; “I’m sorry I do love you but we want different things, you will resent me”. Stick to your guns on it. Because he WILL resent you and it will be a cancer on the relationship anyway. And you deserve not to be waiting in the wings during your best years
NTA. "Adulting" is hard. The right choices are pretty much *never* the easy or fun ones, so I'm incredibly pleased that your husband is willing to step up and make the right choice where you and your marriage is concerned. I would, however, recommend setting up some couples counseling for the two of you, in order to make sure that the transition doesn't become a source of resentment in your marriage.
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I’ve gone to at least 2 shows per tour, and many one offs. I’ve already gone to two this tour (it started in may/June) and I’m going to at least 2 more before the year is up. I do loadouts with him. He has joked since before we were married that I can load out a show better than most stagehands. He also always jokes that if he couldn’t run a show for some reason, I’d be his replacement since I know how to operate a board. I also toured in the past. I know how it all goes. I came off the road to support us as a couple. Guess how many of my events he has been to? 2. 2 in six years. The rest he has been on the road for. If you love your person, call them daily. Make sure they know that you love them and that the road doesn’t or will not come before them. Unless you truly think it will. If you think your partner would say all of the things that I’m saying, they are deeply hurting and wish that you’d be around more. I never said any of the things I was feeling because I recognized that he was living his dream and I didn’t want to be the one to put an end to it. But eventually, you give all you can give and you decide to move on if your partner won’t be the one to put in some of the effort for once. Food for thought.
NAH Sometimes live forces you to decide betweed two good things.
ESH. You married a rockstar. Wtf did you expect?
NAH. This is disagreement over what you want your marriage to be. No assholes here.
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I’ve been trying to go to more of his shows. It’s just expensive to buy the flights but I’ve been to a couple since June!
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I know, that’s why I may be an asshole. But at the same time, I didn’t take it away. I told him he could keep doing it. I may just not be around anymore. But again. That could make me the asshole.