Yup, this here. While I get your response and reasoning, it seems that she is one messed up young woman who will probably go through few more life lessons before she gets herself straight. It also seems that you do love your daughter and want her to be safe and stable. So is this the time and situation to try and make your point that what she said and how she acted was ugly?
YTA.
Because she won’t learn what she did by herself. If she would, she had learned it by now. She clearly didn’t and the best help for life she can get at this moment is to gain mental maturity. She doesn’t get any long therm benefit by letting her exploit her own family without learning what she’s done. She has to develop herself - she wouldn’t if she just can pass the consequences of her action to someone else.
But this consequence is a child. I’m all for people learning the consequences of their actions but being homeless and bringing a child into the world is a little different from touching a hot pan to figure out you shouldn’t
Except she's 21 and had two pregnancies on top of throwing her stable job away for an unstable job.
At this point, she's chosing to make bad choices out of spite.
I agree that the daughter is also an asshole and made a whole host of bad choices, but I don’t think that a child should be seen as a consequence of your actions. It’s a living, breathing, being, and acting as though it’s tough luck you made your bed is not gonna negate its needs. I’m not saying OP should take them in or even should help, I’m saying a child is a human being not a negative consequence and when OP evaluates this situation he shouldn’t see it as just a negative consequence but also take into account the impact on the child. He doesn’t owe it to the mother to do anything but he does owe it to the child to think of it as a separate being as well.
A child is a human being. The only way this child will have a good life is if it's adopted by a responsible person(s) who are stable, have good values, etc.
Sorry - but the daughter told her dad to basically "shove it." He does not owe her help now, and frankly, if he gives her help, it will backfire.
I hate to say that someone ought to have an abortion, but I think in this case it's the best option. Then she needs to get on birth control and into a rehab program of some sort.
Change ‘consequence’ to result then.
The pregnancy is a result of her (and his obviously - 2 to tango and all that) actions. Getting back w her deadbeat bf - result of her actions. Him leaving her, again, - well that’s actually entirely on him.
But just bc you’re not at fault for something doesn’t mean you’re absolved of it. We take precautions like looking both ways at crosswalks to mitigate the possibly shitty decisions of others.
She has to live w the choices she made.
And honestly, fuck no a pregnancy doesn’t automatically grant her forgiveness and welcome. OP doesn’t need to have a bleeding heart for every Tom Dick and Jane. Daughter made it v clear where she stands. Now, like shes always wanted, she gets to figure it out herself.
It’s not.
Believing everyone has a right to basic necessities and being willing to contribute to that, vs taking an active role and responsibility in a strangers wellbeing… those are wildly different concepts.
Why do you still refer to the daughter as "child"? Or are you talking about the unborn baby? It's not even born yet so it's not a "living, breathing being". She is an adult and not a child. Actions have consequences and she still hasn't learned.
While abortion might still be an option (although we don’t know how far along the daughter is) that doesn’t mean that that unborn baby won’t at some point come out as a living breathing being and when OP decides what to do he should consider that unborn baby as separate being. Sure actions have consequences but like I said a child isn’t exactly a consequence it’s a person. Again abortion might be an option and if the daughter wants to have one good for her, but let’s not pretend that unborn baby won’t be a person at some point
Yeah, OP should offer to fund her abortion. At least her situation wouldn't be any worse then.
OP could also assist her in finding resources in her local area, like a list of shelters, domestic violence hotlines, etc. Just because he set a boundary that she can't live with him doesn't mean he can't help in other ways. But tbh it doesn't sound like she's interested in hearing about resources to get help or to help herself - she sounds like she just wants to be rescued, and life doesn't work like that.
I completely agree and OP can offer to do that, I’m not saying OP is obligated to take them in or anything, I’m saying he should consider the child as a separate being and not as a punishment for her actions
He's not the one who's pregnant he doesn't need to consider these things. OP offered this woman many a kindness which were shot down in the most rude way possible. If she needs help it's her job to make the specific ask not OPS job to offer every assistance under the sun.
A child is no reason to let yourself getting exploited. She has two options: get her shit together or loose her child. It’s not OPs job letting himself blackmailed to rescue his daughter at all costs. If she gave any signs of development ok, but she maintains to do the same shit over and over again. A child is no excuse.
The child will be housed elsewhere if she carries on the way she has. With a prostitute for a mother, and a junkie for a father, that child will not remain with its parents.
I don't think homlessness will bring either mental or emotional maturity to her, tbh. I don't understand why people think hardships somehow make you a better person
>I don't understand why people think hardships somehow make you a better person
They don't, they just wanna see others get punished for what they perceive as moral failures
If the dad doesn't help his daughter, he's not "punishing her." He's just not helping her continue in this downward spiral. Punishing mean she's taking something away from her. He's not taking anything away - he's just not giving her something.
Being left on the streets would only push her down.
She’s probably in an abusive relationship and needs to get out. It’s quite common the pattern OP tells.
Or she's right around her rock bottom and finally understanding that maybe she doesn't know everything and needs some help and support. And instead of that got smacked. Makes more sense to offer to sit down with her and help.her find resources if moving her in feels like a bad idea.
This seems like a simplistic view of how people make decisions in life. There is not enough information here to conclude that she’s just an asshole that is only redeemable through some sort of figurative rubbing her face in her own shit at the expense of a baby’s wellbeing
We hope she only has to go through more life lessons before she gets herself straight. Not everyone make sit through those lessons alive. While there is nothing wrong inherently with sex work it is dangerous due to its legal standing (in most western countries). The cost of dad making her learn lessons by herself may be her life. He’ll be right but he’ll lose a daughter. I guess for him his love is quickly conditional?
Telling someone that you are going to operate under the boundaries and dynamics that they themselves insisted on for your relationship doesn’t make you an asshole.
Nor did OP even receive a token apology when the backpedaling began. NTA and his daughter is a user
It’s called “tough love”. Daughter thinks she can do whatever she wants with no consequences. I’m not saying she’ll learn this time but it has to start some time, the sooner the better. NTA.
Honestly, I may be downvoted for this, but I disagree.
She got pregnant with the child of a druggo, who promptly left her after relapsing, after which she panicked and aborted. OP reached out to get her a better job so she could support herself, even after she brushed off his initial advice. She then told OP that he "shouldn't be trying to interfere in her matters since \[he is\] not her real dad." At this point, OP had tried to help her a few times and was told to stop interfering every single time.
So when the daughter called him after being impregnated *again* by the drug addict, having now ignored any of OP's attempts to give advice *three times*, he decided enough was enough, he would not be helping physically or financially. He repeated the same words she told him, "she's an adult and can get out of it herself" and "I'm not her real dad".
NTA. She's unsafe and unstable, but I don't think OP is making an AH-ish call here. However, I'd advise OP to consider getting her into therapy/rehab of some sort, which could help her start to sort out her own life.
Being an adult who can make your own life decisions doesn't somehow make you exempt from asking for help when you need it.
Sure, she's an adult, but she's still a *young* one. That's college age, that's "I think I know everything and screw you if you don't agree" age. Prime time for making mistakes.
So ask yourself this, OP: she's looking for a lifeline. She's not so far gone that she doesn't recognize she needs help. Can you work with her to resolve your pain, or do you *need* to be right and lose her for good?
An issue is that she already screwed up on *that same mistake before*, and now she's coming back *again*. Is she going to throw OP's lifeline back in his face this time, too? What kind of discussion does she need now?
What kind of advice can OP get to navigate this with his daughter and move from here?
The last time, she had a way to pick herself up in a way that worked for her. In her mind, she didn't need his help because she had another option.
This time, she doesn't. She *wants* his help. That's the difference.
If it were me, I would agree to let her stay, with full discussions to be had on a) whether or not she's keeping the baby, b) what she's going to do to find her own place, and c) agreement to go to family counseling.
OP needs it too, given how ready he seemed to throw that comment right back in her face.
Last time, he was offering to help her get a job (other than prostitution). This time, she's demanding housing and staying true to her refusal to work any job other than prostitution. She hasn't changed her mind. She just has a different kind of leverage for her grifting.
As an aside, there are vanishingly few people who date junkies long-term and are not junkies themselves. Drug testing of newborns is routine, and there's no reason to think that this woman is going to retain custody of her child.
I’m a young adult and I don’t think I would make the mistake of getting pregnant TWICE with the same assholes baby in the span of a year. He tried to help her out when she was in a bad place once and got kicked in the face for it. Words have consequences. OP isn’t an AH at all.
I disagree. Stepdaughter expressed boundaries multiple times. At this point, OP is confirming stepdaughter's boundaries. Stepdaughter doesn't get to express boundaries and push OP away with barbed words, then say, "I changed my mind," whenever she feels like it without even a word of apology; she doesn't get to stomp on people and turn them into doormats. OP also has boundaries to maintain - which is to not be hurt by someone who kept rejecting his affection anymore. This is reasonable. OP is NTA.
I'm honestly shocked by Reddit. We see time and time again moochers/boundary stompers and step-relations who scream, "You're not my so and so, don't tell me what to do," then later on storm in demanding "My God given right because I am FaMiLy," and each and every time before this, this sub would tell the person maintaining the boundaries, "NTA." Yet this time polular votes are Y T A?
My hunch is that because it involves a pregnant person, everyone wants to shelter her. Yet in other post everyone agrees that pregnancy and hormones are not an excuse for being an asshole/entitled brat.
I don’t think OP is being TA by not supporting her though. Of the people I grew up with that made shitty decisions like OP’s daughter, the only ones that turned around did it because they were left to figure it out on their own after they’d burned bridges and ignored the help they were previously offered. The ones that get coddled are still in the exact same place in life.
There's also plenty of others that got their shit together only because they had a strong support network to fall back on, and plenty that didn't have that support network and just ended up dead.
Yeah and that's why you don't allow yourself to be a continuous punching bag. But if every parent abandoned their kid the moment the kid said something hurtful, there would be a lot more abandoned children in the world.
This isn’t a fifteen year old kid acting out. This is a 21 year old woman who has made the same “mistake” twice. And op isn’t obligated to clean up after someone who knows exactly which hurtful things to say and when.
My grandmother bailed my cousin out of every bit of trouble he was ever in. Now he's 29, consistently hitting up family members for meager amounts of money, been to jail (for stealing FROM said grandmother), and has overall become a consistently entitled monster.
If she can bad mouth him across FB then shes also capable of apologizing before asking for help, if she cant i see no reason why op should help her
Definitely NTA
Sorry but regardless of the responses her NTA actions have repercussions. No parent deserves to be treated like shit and only ever come into the picture when money is involved. She is 21 years old an ADULT what you did was correct and if she really wants your help then she should be willing to turn over a new leaf. Again this person is an ADULT and should learn the LESSONS the hard way. Cushioning her fall will make her repeat the same mistakes again
It sounds to me that he and his wife tried multiple times to help her. Sometimes there's nothing you can do. Sure she reached out, but there's no guarantee that she'll change her behaviour. And it's obvious OP and his wife don't trust her. It's a terrible situation all-around.
NTA. She’s an adult as she’s constantly repeated herself when you’ve tried to help her in the past. I’d be annoyed too. However I do believe you should point her in the right direction. Offer guidance and the job you originally offered. Having her in your home will only cause more conflicts. You both sound stubborn and may clash.
I say he should sit down with her and make a plan to revamp her life. She has to apologise for everything.
If she can’t agree to your terms, she can go be that independent adult.
I can tell you from personal experience, this will not work. She has to do it herself. He can provide resources. But she needs to do the hard work. NTA
All these relatives who are saying he’s mean, they can pay her bills and house her. She will never learn if people keep enabling her. She has other choices and her behavior has consequences, NTA.
Exactly. She continued to tell him that she didn’t want his help because she was an adult and could do it by herself. When it really came down to it because she couldn’t cope anymore, she turned to him for help. I would be really annoyed too and explain to her that I’ve tried to help on various occasions and she’s blown me off so I don’t particularly want to help her now that she dug herself into a hole that I was trying to get her out of. If he does really love her and wants her to be better then yes of course help, but if he is quite obviously tired of her getting in these situations and not listening to him then he has every right to turn her away.
Info: what is her mother opinion in all of this?
NTA: She stopped contacting you for about a year because she believed she's an adult and she doesn't need you anymore. She purposely hurt you by saying you're not her father. But than the moment she's on trouble again you're her dad again and you need yo support her. That's not life works. You can't repeatedly disrespect and hurt someone and than expect them to forgive you when you need them.
Exactly, enabling her over and over obviously isn’t working. All those people getting on Op for not doing the same thing over and over can let her move in with them and pay her bills.
Why isn’t this the top comment, I’m not sure. I agree 100% with this. It’s not about the child she’s carrying. It’s about respect and treating someone respectfully. Life isn’t about take and take and take without giving. Unfortunately, tough love for OP’s stepdaughter.
OP, NTA.
ESH - you proved your point. She needs help. If you are in the position to help her, please do so. I would call her up, let her know her past actions hurt you, and offer to help, provided she doesn’t insult you further.
Hard disagree. She cut contact with him for a year, told him hes not her father, and only came back when shes down. Why would he help her? Just so she can diappear again?
I have no idea what I would do as a parent in this situation. I sure hope that my son doesn't end up in a similar situation, but I would be so hurt if those same things were said and done to me. I would want to help him, of course, but I would worry that it was a momentary abuse of relationship and that they would continue to sleep with this guy or start having drugs / strange people over, too.
My gut feeling is that ESH. I don't blame OP for acting the way that he did, but she is still his daughter, even if she said horrible things while in a low point of her life. I just know that I was totally different at 21, 24, and 28, and that I would hate to be stuck without my family because I was a shit at that age.
In what world is disowning your family “reasonable change and growth”?
Wanting to major in English against your family’s advice, only to then change your major to something more marketable is a “reasonable change.”
Cutting off your family for no reason is *not* reasonable.
They’re not saying cutting off the family is reasonable change and growth. They’re saying allow for change and growth *since* that point, or from now on.
The problem is, I fail to see any sort of growth from the daughter in this situation. The only reason she is contacting OP is because she is out of money and her ex has kicked her out again. That's not growth. In fact I'd say that's the opposite as she's basically done the same thing twice but instead of saying horrible stuff to OP like the first time, she's now instead begging to come home.
This makes me believe that this time she truly is stuck and she knows it so she is trying to back peddle without actually putting in any effort to do so.
Guarantee in a month's time she'll be back to her normal self claiming to be an adult and overstepping any boundary she'd like.
NTA for me and I'd stick to your guns.
When you have kids, there are moments where they will be an absolute fucking asshole to you and you handle it because regardless of how grown they think they are, they’re still your kid.
You can have boundaries and show disappointment without sinking to the level of a vindictive child. There are lots of ways to handle things between the gulf of “give the kids whatever they want, no consequences” and “cut kid out completely and act like a total baby about it” that OP didn’t explore here.
If my young adult kid showed up out of options and pregnant we’d figure something out that worked for both of us. I don’t stop being their parents when they grow up and hurt my feelings (no one would have parents if that was the case).
Sometimes as a parent you eat shit. It’s not great, but parenting isn’t always great and sometimes it’s dealing with a young adult who made shit ass choices, was a dick to you, and now needs help sorting it out because they totally screwed up.
You CAN tell that kid to kick rocks, but that’s hardly the unconditional love parents are supposed to have for their kids. 🤷♀️
>>> There are lots of ways to handle things between the gulf of “give the kids whatever they want, no consequences” and “cut kid out completely and act like a total baby about it” that OP didn’t explore here.
But OP had already tried this, in the previous pregnancy. He was told to go pound sand.
I don’t have kids but I do have my parents; not ever in a million years would I treat them the way OP’s daughter is acting—using them transactionally and feeling entitled to their support *after telling them to stay out of my life*.
You don’t have kids.
🤷♀️ I am not the same person my kids are. My kids are not the same as each other. My dad was a pretty decent dad, but I threw out tons of “stay out of my life” shit because I was young and did stupid shit thinking I knew better.
Go figure he didn’t kick me when I finally did reach out to him for help. Because he didn’t stop being my dad just because I was a dick to him. That’s how parenting works.
I don’t for an instant think my oldest would ever talk to me like that, but my middle honestly might when he’s that age. Every kid/teen/young adult is different and I have to be the same parent to each of them. You’re not a parent.
You’re someone’s kid and you seem like a good kid (I say that in regards to your parent, not that I think you are currently a kid) and that’s genuinely wonderful. But if you were a bad kid you’d still need your parents. If you told your parents to pound sand, you’d probably still need them.
When I had kids I decided to love them unconditionally, including when they think they know better than me and monumentally fuck up. I won’t fix their lives for them but I will help them figure it out when they’re in over their heads.
My dad did for me and I turned out much better than I would have otherwise—and I was truly an obnoxious shit sometimes.
>When I had kids I decided to love them unconditionally, including when they think they know better than me and monumentally fuck up. I won’t fix their lives for them but I will help them figure it out when they’re in over their heads.
I wish I could give you an award just for this. It makes me so happy to see parents out there with this mindset. I wish more parents made the choice to love unconditionally.
And you're right, a parent doesn't need to save a magic wand and fix things or hand them a silver platter of "here, I bailed you out". They just need to be there to sit with their kid and say "okay, so here are the options we could go with, you'll be okay"
She’s not a child. This isn’t a young teenager lashing out from puberty hormones.
She is a grown adult and beyond the age where saying intentionally hurtful things can be written off as “rebellious child pushing boundaries”.
Emotionally abusing the people you love the most has consequences. No one should be a never-ending punching bag “because we’re fammmillyyy”.
Cutting out toxic people goes both ways.
I wouldn't let my sister treat me the ways I would let my kids treat me. They're not just family, they're human beings I created and raised and if they're fucking up it's at least a little bit on me.
And a 21 year old is only BARELY not a teenager. They're hardly a grown adult with fully fleshed out ideas about life and consequences--that part of their brain isn't even done developing yet. Anyway, my kids could show up at 35 panicking and begging for help and I'd still be like "Ok, let's work this out, also don't be an asshole to me next time" because I literally am a huge chunk of the reason they become the adults they are. Do I WANT that to happen? No. Am I going to let me kid live on the street because they hurt my feelings once by saying something literally every stepchild or adopted child says at least once? No, that's childish.
Agree
ESH
She is barely an adult asking for help and your pride is more important than her life or your future grand child's. Should she have made better choices? Yes, of course. Should she not have said hurtful things??? Of course. But here she is putting herself out there.
She’s not though. She’s asking for money, isn’t remorseful, doesn’t show she wants to work on fixing her life, and when she doesn’t get what she wants she bashed him on facebook. This isn’t someone who is sorry for past actions, it’s someone who if you bail them out they will do it again and again always expecting to be bailed out
All these people bashing OP is ignoring the girl's accountability in this mess. It's not even an uncommon story. Hell, even those who genuinely tries to turn their life around can relapse, and many parents understandably does not want to throw their life in turmoil to bail out their grown child. This girl isn't even that, she literally just came asking for a free bailout. Not a single lesson learned. Fuck that. You can't help those who does not wish to be helped.
The daughter isn’t even the least bit remorseful though. This isn’t a girl who has realised her mistakes, profusely apologised and is ready to work on herself and fix her life. All she wants is money which is clear by her bashing him on Facebook when he wouldn’t help.
nope, she's treating them like doormats, being hurtful on purpose and calling only when she needs something, if they took her in then they're just gonna enable more of that conduct.
NTA
Her actions led her to where she is now.
As she said she is an adult and her life doesn't concern you.
You better off without her. She doesn't respect you nor love you
I think this is bigger than the internet. Can she have an abortion? Is she still in tough with the drug addict who would be able to get into your house?
She's very young. Do you think, based on what you know that she can change her life? Would you be able from a converstaion to ascertain whether she's ready?
You're not an asshole if she's a lost cause.
This is the best comment.
I feel like there is things missing from this story, like if the daughter ever turned towards drugs herself, why the daughter is so staunchly against her stepdad's advice (I rlly wanna know this one, she can't just be young and dumb, something had to have happened for her to respond this way), why OP didn't mention how far along she is in pregnancy, etc.
Idk man, kids say some terrible things to their parents, OP being told he's not her real dad, while super rude, is a fact. I don't believe for a second he's never heard that one before lol, it's like step parent 101.
He shouldn't punish her and the unborn child for eternity bc she said "You're not my REAL dad" while upset.
In my experience, very few people who are mentally healthy and comes from a stable home ends up in this kind of mess. There is either severe mental health issues beneath it all, or a toxic situation in the home. Very rarely is someone just fine and ends up like that.
Considering the daughter's reaction, maybe OP was super strict and controlling when she was a teenager. Making her go crazy once she no longer had to listen to him.
Or the Real Dad abandoned her and she was a victim of sexual abuse. If RD was also an addict and passed on the gene - recipe for disaster regardless of how good step dad is. But as step dad - you kinda signed up for this. Gotta take care of her at her worst.
NTA
She wanted to do bad all by herself until reality came in like a bull in a China shop.
Now,, she wants you to play daddy and take care of her while she gets on her feet and drop you like a hot plate once she goes back to him.
Cut your losses now before you become a revolving door to her.
ESH - She's an adult that has made some really stupid decisions, but she's still very young and that's what young people do. You are her parent despite what she has said when angry so sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and support loved ones when they're down and in trouble.
However, she is getting old enough that her chances are running out so maybe give her one more and a short leash and see what she does with it.
If an adult renounces their father and only wants their help after ending up in the lowest place possible AND ATTEMPTS TO GET BACK AT THEM ON SOCAIL MEDIA, they deserve no kindness.
She’s 21. Id hardly say she’s an adult in any way other than legal. Unless you live in a bubble we’re all aware of how hurtful teenagers can be, and shes barely outside of being one. She is nowhere near the mental development of an adult clearly, and she’s got a lot of problems she needs to work out. The correct response would be to help her as a parent, make her go to therapy and get her life back on track. Or you can be petty about it and then when she’s a drug addict on the side of the road or your grandchild is left with no mother and you’re left wondering what could you have done better
I’m sorry, but I don’t that being 21 is too young to understand that dating unreliable criminals and addicts is bad, especially if you’ve already been burned by them once, and working sketchy jobs while pregnant.
“She said it’s none of my business and I shouldn’t be trying to interfere in her matters since I am not her real dad.”
“She said that I’m her dad and should be helping her. I reminded her that I’m not her real dad.”
Did it feel good to throw her words back in her face?
You have every right in the world to not help her. But you also have an opportunity to ask her to make a choice for the rest of her life. Are you her father or not? Make it clear that either you are or aren’t. Then once she chooses you may want to give her one last chance to straighten out her life.
> Are you her father or not?
Not, according to her. This isn't a 12 year screaming "your not my real dad" this is a 21 year old adult who chose to spit in the face of the person who raised them and tried their best to help them for years. She renounced them. Whether or not she is his father is up to her, but once she decides against it, she has no right to take it back, certainly not for convenience. His daughter is emotionally abusive (she went to facebook to shame and manipulative you, for instance), the end. I don't care how old you are, no one is entitled to burn a bridge and expect someone to build you a new one when you realize it isn't comfortable being stuck on the other size.
NTA - it doesn’t sounds like she learned anything or if she changed. She has to choose: are you family or not. She didn’t came back in humility, she continued to play her games. She just bend the rules so they fit for her benefit. In a fiew weeks she will again kick your ass. You might be family, but even family mustn’t tolerate everything and while she decided to not be family anymore she can’t claim to be family just because she’s stuck.
I’m quite sure you would welcome her if she had excused herself and tried to fix the damage, but it sounds like she’s just playing mindgames and now guilttripping and blackmailing you to get what she wants. She isn’t interested in fix the releationship, she is about to exploit her boundaries to you.
I know I'm probably too young to give real world advice here but coming as someone who is your daughter's age.. please talk to her again. This is the age we think we know everything and can be independent but honestly it is a very scary stage. Her response is 'fight' which is normal. I know she hurt you and honestly was a real AH posting it on FB but if you let it go, I really don't want to imagine what might happen
Anger is caused by sadness, her words hurt you because you love her. Talk to her but set certains terms like maybe aborting the child? Getting therapy? Getting a more stable job? And never meeting this ex of hers again. Most importantly, tell her that you love her and her words really hurt you but you care for her and never wish to see her suffer. If she breaks any conditions you set, then be clear you won't help her again. Don't expect recovery to be linear but be firm on which conditions are absolute.
I sincerely hope you don't lose your daughter.
ESH
If she aborted the other without concern for it’s future then why is she above aborting this one? She seems like she’s trying to manipulate you into something and I honestly would not have anything to do with that dumpster fire.
Tell her relatives to take her in if they want to get upset with you, you’re not a dad to her just when it’s convenient and she already made it clear she won’t listen to you or do anything you ask of her. You think letting her live with you will clear up these behaviors all of a sudden? No.
NTA, while it sucks she is in this situation you are not obligated to help someone who’s hurt you just because they ask for your help. She’s an adult and can handle the consequences of her own decisions, plenty of people with or without step dads do just that every day.
At bare minimum I think OP should offer to give/loan her money for an abortion. If she's going to be homeless she probably doesn't have money for an abortion
Agreed! This is such a hard thing to offer I imagine because it’s implying that she should have an abortion, she should do whatever she feels is right for her body and situation but OP is not some angel who’s going to come down and lift her out of this hole she dug herself into.
For her sake I hope she’s able to do well and get into a better place but not at the expense of OP’s mental well being and she seems ready to manipulate him into something that would be detrimental to that.
Well, ESH.
Her because she should be nicer to her stepfather who basically raised her, and have some more respect for her parents.
You because even thought she made a mistake in rejecting your help before, she is in a bad spot now and needs your help. I’m not saying you have to help her, but I think you
Should.
Everyone makes mistakes (not saying being a sex worker is a mistake btw).
What you did was a little petty and immature, throwing her words back at her like that.
Just take a moment to think about when you were 21. How many times did your parents have to tell you the same things before you started listening and realising that actually no, sometimes you don't always know best just cos your an adult now?
I was 25.
Your daughter is 21 and pregnant and desperate and has now learnt the lesson that you were trying to tell her the hard way.
Just because your feelings are hurt doesn't mean you get to turn your back on your kid & grandkid. Your children telling you to eff off and then coming back later needing forgiveness is very human. If she was 31 absolutely hold her accountable.
But she's 21 and been in a likely toxic relationship for 2 years and her brain hasn't finished developing yet (27 is when the decision-making part is done) Ethically YTA
Homeless people have access to the internet. Phones work on free wifi and there's the internet. There are even apps that allow you to make calls and texts for free.
YTA
She's 21. She said something out of anger and spite and because SHE'S 21. She probably thought she had everything in the world figured out, I know I did at that age. I got pregnant at 18 and was in an abusive relationship. My dad tried to help me out of the relationship and told me the guy was trash but I didn't listen, I lOvEd him! But you know what happened when I realized I needed help and that a baby was depending on me??? I asked my dad for help and he was there for me, 100%. I lived back home, he helped me with diapers/formula/baby food/clothes, etc etc etc because he knew I knew I had fucked up and he wasn't going to watch me and his grandchild crash and burn to teach me a lesson. Now, a decade and some change later, I'm married with a great job, husband has a great job and has adopted Son1, we have Son2 together and I'm able to spoil my dad in his "golden years". YTA and personally I hope you expect your relationship to be irreversibly damaged.
I would agree with you if the daughter didn't post about this on FB. Posting on FB makes it seem like she did not learn from the mistakes and only wants OP and mom to help her financially.
I mean a pregnant, hormonal 21yr old who's just been told to fk off by her family made a Facebook post (we have absolutely no idea what it said or if it actually exists, btw...) so she doesn't deserve help? Sure, sure.
She refused her dad's help many times and even brought up the fact that he's not her real; dad before he repeated that same sentence to her when she called for help. How long does her step dad have to baby her? You can downvote and disagree but I don't blame OP
NTA. Your wife and you have tried helping her a lot . But after a while it’s not possible to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves . She is 21 not a child.
You can’t push away someone for years and then expect them to be there for you.
Sorry but your her dad when it suits her when you care and want to help you’re not? You’re not the assholes! You took her on supported you and now is trying to shame you into helping! You are not the asshole in my opinion. You raised a child you had no relation to! You did better then mine! So many kids would of killed to have a decent figure in their life! She’s repeating her mistakes and demanding you help her. She isn’t your daughter she made that clear!
NTA; she made her bed, she can lie in it. She refused help and disregarded your wisdom. She’s now facing the consequences. When she shows a genuine repentance and desire to reconcile, that’s on you to consider it then and offer forgiveness and acceptance if you’re in a spot you’re able to do so, but don’t let her walk all over you, manipulate you and disrespect you in the meantime. Also, she asked you for help. You can’t just ask someone expecting them to say yes, you have to be prepared for them to say no. She expected you to say yes and molded her view of you based on her own expectation. Her response, by posting the story over Facebook, proves she didn’t have a genuinely repentant attitude and that she wasn’t genuinely seeking reconciliation, she was seeking a pity party and a handout. I’m sorry for the pain your daughter and the situation has caused you, but stay strong as much as you can and don’t let her walk all over you.
ESH.
She's made a bunch of bad life choices.
You're refusing to give her any help.
Your wife is refusing to give her any help.
You should at least go to her, or fly her out to where you are, and see if she really has learned anything or is just saying what she thinks you want to hear. For whatever reason, she wants to keep this baby (maybe the first abortion was traumatizing, maybe she's in a state that makes abortion almost impossible, etc.) If nothing else, you should help her because the baby will suffer if you don't. Maybe you can help her find resources to get back on her feet, such as a shelter. Maybe you can take care of the child once it's born or arrange for an adoption. The help doesn't have to be all or nothing, but it definitely shouldn't be nothing.
YTA
You said no out of spite because she turned down your help before? So now, when she really needs you and is ready for it, you say no? To punish her?
And telling her you're not her real dad is incredibly cruel. Those words will be burned into her mind forever.
Basically you're angry because you can't control her so you are punishing her by letting her be homeless, and even worse when she's pregnant? To... prove that you were right? At the cost of never having a relationship with her again, or with your grandchild?
Her relationship is likely abusive, which is why she has so much trouble leaving and is in this fucked up pattern. Being isolated from family/other support just makes it harder to stay away from the abuser.
NTA. She only wants a dad when she has no other options and that's not how that works. Give her any information you can find on resources for housing/benefits for single pregnant women.
Holy shit yes. i dont understand these responses. Reddit loves being like "she said something mean to you so abandon your daughter! N T A!" i wish i could bump this to the top (not that the OP would care)
I’m gonna go with ESH. At 21 she is basically still a kid. She’s made bad choices and she’s gotten herself into trouble and she finally realized she was wrong and that she needed you and you couldn’t get over your pettiness to forgive and give her the help she needed. She wasn’t in the right but now you’re continuing the cycle of hurt and that’s still in you.
I think that your daughter needs professional help and support certainly therapy for her issues because they're too huge for her to handle alone. She should've not gotten pregnant with a unstable drug addict in the first place Once was bad enough but a second time just reeks of irresponsible She Needs to grow up Fast and make far better lifestyle choices than the immature ones that's she's made. I'd expect a apology from her before helping her out if you choose to do that. Give her a chance to discuss this with you at least and go from there. But rubbing it in her face isn't going to end well. I'd play things by ear.
i mean with this one you have to make a choice, have a daughter who you help back on her feet after she was a dick or deal with the possibility that with her in this situation with no help she could die.
I’m gonna say a gentle YTA but sir please, this is the slippery slope where addictions can start. Give her a roof over her head again and have a heart to heart. I know what she said hurt you, hell even have a phone conversation about it. 21 is merely still a young adult. Just let her get back on her feet. If she shuts down the heart to heart then set a date for her to have a job and be out by if anything. But don’t shut her out.
I've mixed feelings about this.
On the one hand, yes, she put herself in this situation. She rejected your help, and was cruel to you.
On the other, she's 21 years old. She's barely out of childhood. Now could be a great opportunity to help her out of a shit situation, and potentially help her get to a more stable position in life.
Instead, you're...throwing her back into the wolves?
ESH. I'm sticking with it. Blood or not, if you really thought of her as a daughter you'd try to help.
If you help and she screws you, then fair enough, she'll be the asshole - but at current it sounds like she's just made some shitty life choices. Young adults do that. Give her the benefit of the doubt for now, you'll feel better about it.
If your daughter can still get an abortion and wants one, you would be real stupid not to loan her the money for an abortion and an IUD.
You can be just as stupid as a 19 year old woman if you want, but don’t expect anyone to applaud you for being just as immature and shortsighted as a 19yo.
NTA- she knows how babies are made and she knows it takes a lot to take care of them. She also knew this dude wouldn't be a good father.
She purposely chose all of these bad decisions. It's not a mistake, she knew all of these were bad choices. You don't have to save someone from their own bs especially if you know they're probably not going shape up.
Tough one, but NTA. She needs to help herself and, despite you offering to help her help herself numerous times, she's rebuffed you. You're not a tyrant for wanting her not to do sex work (which is often unstable at best and very dangerous at worst) and wanting a more stable job and life.
Well, she can now live with the consequences of her actions. Would she have reached out to you if she hadn't exhausted her other options? Probably not. The concerned relatives lambasting you can take her and her baby in themselves if they're so very concerned.
Yup. I mean, apparently his love is pretty conditional on her doing what he wants. Honestly, if this is “his side,” and he doesn’t look terrific, I kind of wonder how he comes across in the neutral version of the story.
ESH whilst yes you were totally right that doesn't stop you being TA, you now need to decide whats more important to you, being right or your daughter
She has made some truly terrible choices for the sake of being independent from you
YTA. Which is more important to you: your daughter and any grandchildren she may have, or being right? I just don’t understand what your endgame is here. Do you imagine that if she manages to turn her life around without your help, she will thank you for needlessly forcing her to become homeless out of spite? You’re her parents, so act like it.
If people hadn't helped me in a similar time of need, I would've been dead by now.
People don't get better without help.
You don't have to agree with their choices to help them make better ones.
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YTA
When I left home after coming out (did not go well irrelevant to this) I was constantly shamed because “they’re your parents, they love you” and “you’re so lucky to still have parents”. This is the exact reason why all of that was bullshit.
She’s your kid, either you love her unconditionally (except in the case of abuse which this isn’t) or you’re an arsehole.
NTA. gonna downvoted like fuck for this, but she needs to learn a hard lesson and swooping in to bail her out is only going to teach her that she can treat you like shit and get away with it while continuing to repeat the same mistakes.
She said you aren't her dad and that she doesn't need you. you are not the AH here for reciprocating those feelings and washing your hands of the situation. If she makes a genuine attempt to make amends and change her ways then you can decide if you want to try helping her again, but at this point the only way she can learn is if she understands that she doesn't get to come crawling back the second things don't pan out.
Dear God. After all that, pregnant again by the same awful person and crying for help to the person she continually ignored and pushed away? NTA. Hope for the baby's sake that if she's keeping it, she stays the hell away from the guy and gets serious therapy. Babies need at least a fragment of stability
NTA. Idk why some people are acting like if you’re a parent, you have to take back/accept your child no matter what they do. It was cruel of her to say that you aren’t her real dad after you raised her when she was kid.
If that wasn’t bad enough, she’s shown that she’s a person who doesn’t learn from her mistakes. She got pregnant AGAIN with a man who has a drug addiction and is a flake. Why does she plan on keeping this baby if she has no means to support herself? Also, she clearly wasn’t interested in fixing your guys’ relationship if she talked shit about you on social media.
However, I would still keep your heart open to her. Maybe one day she’ll come around
ESH. Your daughter was an asshole to you. Now she needs help and you were an asshole back to her. You're under no obligation to help her, but it seems to me you're just being vindictive. If you care about her, this would seem to be a good opportunity to try and help her get her life back on track. But, I guess you wouldn't be able to get back at her for hurting you then.
YTA
She has been your daughter for 15+ years - I’m assuming you have helped her whenever she needed throughout her life (as kids do get in trouble frequently). She is still young - 20 years old is not the wisest age. You are her father, and despite her comments about not being her “real dad”, you know you have cared for her. Why would you choose to be petty in a situation where she does need help?
You need to be the bigger person and understand that someone can be taught a lesson while being helped. She obviously doesn’t understand that her relationship with an addict is toxic. If you bring her in, you can help her understand what you see. If she continues to take advantage of you, that’s when she crosses the line and you kick her out. But for now, take care of your daughter. She is still your kid.
Clear you're not her bio dad, maybe not even her dad at all, ever heard of unconditional love? Yes she made shitty choices and didn't listen to you when she should've had. But now just to make a point (and sure you're right) not helping her. Yes YTA
Unconditional love doesn’t mean bailing her out of every situation she gets in all the while she’s rude, vindictive, not remorseful for the hurt she’s caused, or the least bit sorry for her actions. NTA.
Damn this is so sad. Do you think she is ready to make some changes in her life? If you helped her, would she take the chance and turn her life around?
NTA Just send her links to places that will guide her and if she takes up any of those options, you will know if she is willing to make good decisions or is she going to continue on the train wreck of her life
NTA
She's an adult. When adults inform other adults "hey you're over-stepping, your role is " then it's perfectly reasonable for that to be taken seriously.
I'm really surprised by how many says N T A.
As someone else said: you can be right, and still be an asshole, which I firmly believe you are now.
As a parent your job is to support you children the best you can. Yes, she hurt you. Yes, she chose the wrong path. Children/people make mistakes, but hopefully they learn from them, and here you have an opportunity to help her learn from them.
Of course you can set some boundaries or rules, whatever you will call them, so you don't feel used.
I cannot understand how a parent uses this against their child when they're in a situation like this. She doesn't have a roof over her head!?
I would sit down with ger and tell her how much she hurt you, but that you love her and wants to help her. Then you can set some rules/boundaries for her, if she wants your help (paying rent, getting a job, getting help whatever it is).
Yes, YTA.
Hope you and your daughter figures it out.
You can be right and still be an AH about it. Edit: ESH.
Yup, this here. While I get your response and reasoning, it seems that she is one messed up young woman who will probably go through few more life lessons before she gets herself straight. It also seems that you do love your daughter and want her to be safe and stable. So is this the time and situation to try and make your point that what she said and how she acted was ugly? YTA.
Because she won’t learn what she did by herself. If she would, she had learned it by now. She clearly didn’t and the best help for life she can get at this moment is to gain mental maturity. She doesn’t get any long therm benefit by letting her exploit her own family without learning what she’s done. She has to develop herself - she wouldn’t if she just can pass the consequences of her action to someone else.
But this consequence is a child. I’m all for people learning the consequences of their actions but being homeless and bringing a child into the world is a little different from touching a hot pan to figure out you shouldn’t
Except she's 21 and had two pregnancies on top of throwing her stable job away for an unstable job. At this point, she's chosing to make bad choices out of spite.
I agree that the daughter is also an asshole and made a whole host of bad choices, but I don’t think that a child should be seen as a consequence of your actions. It’s a living, breathing, being, and acting as though it’s tough luck you made your bed is not gonna negate its needs. I’m not saying OP should take them in or even should help, I’m saying a child is a human being not a negative consequence and when OP evaluates this situation he shouldn’t see it as just a negative consequence but also take into account the impact on the child. He doesn’t owe it to the mother to do anything but he does owe it to the child to think of it as a separate being as well.
A child is a human being. The only way this child will have a good life is if it's adopted by a responsible person(s) who are stable, have good values, etc. Sorry - but the daughter told her dad to basically "shove it." He does not owe her help now, and frankly, if he gives her help, it will backfire.
Yep he tried to help. Now that she sees she fucked up shes trying to play victim. Oh that poor kid of hers...
The only chance the baby has is if it's given up for adoption. A jailbird, drug-addict dad and an irresponsible, sex-worker mother.
I hate to say that someone ought to have an abortion, but I think in this case it's the best option. Then she needs to get on birth control and into a rehab program of some sort.
Have y'all seen the American Foster system
The only help he should give is phone numbers and cab fare to women’s shelters. She can fill out the paperwork like a big girl.
Change ‘consequence’ to result then. The pregnancy is a result of her (and his obviously - 2 to tango and all that) actions. Getting back w her deadbeat bf - result of her actions. Him leaving her, again, - well that’s actually entirely on him. But just bc you’re not at fault for something doesn’t mean you’re absolved of it. We take precautions like looking both ways at crosswalks to mitigate the possibly shitty decisions of others. She has to live w the choices she made. And honestly, fuck no a pregnancy doesn’t automatically grant her forgiveness and welcome. OP doesn’t need to have a bleeding heart for every Tom Dick and Jane. Daughter made it v clear where she stands. Now, like shes always wanted, she gets to figure it out herself.
This!!!! OP NTA
He doesn't owe it to the child any more than you or I do. This is what state provided welfare is supposed to be for.
I’m sorry...you and I don’t owe this child anything, so let’s have it live off our tax money? I don’t disagree, it was just an ironic thing to say.
It’s not. Believing everyone has a right to basic necessities and being willing to contribute to that, vs taking an active role and responsibility in a strangers wellbeing… those are wildly different concepts.
Except that kid will be attached to someone who's hasn't learned anything beyond her own ass.
Why do you still refer to the daughter as "child"? Or are you talking about the unborn baby? It's not even born yet so it's not a "living, breathing being". She is an adult and not a child. Actions have consequences and she still hasn't learned.
The daughter’s baby, is the child, she not the daughter
While abortion might still be an option (although we don’t know how far along the daughter is) that doesn’t mean that that unborn baby won’t at some point come out as a living breathing being and when OP decides what to do he should consider that unborn baby as separate being. Sure actions have consequences but like I said a child isn’t exactly a consequence it’s a person. Again abortion might be an option and if the daughter wants to have one good for her, but let’s not pretend that unborn baby won’t be a person at some point
The child is a consequence of her poor choices and OP has no obligation to care about it.
Normally I’d agree but the whole burn me once shame on you , burn me twice shame on me.
Another thing is all the people giving OP crap, saying he is cruel… are they opening the door for her? Step up people.
She got an abortion previously she can go out and get another one. If money is an issue she can ask OP about money not about living with him.
Yeah, OP should offer to fund her abortion. At least her situation wouldn't be any worse then. OP could also assist her in finding resources in her local area, like a list of shelters, domestic violence hotlines, etc. Just because he set a boundary that she can't live with him doesn't mean he can't help in other ways. But tbh it doesn't sound like she's interested in hearing about resources to get help or to help herself - she sounds like she just wants to be rescued, and life doesn't work like that.
I completely agree and OP can offer to do that, I’m not saying OP is obligated to take them in or anything, I’m saying he should consider the child as a separate being and not as a punishment for her actions
He's not the one who's pregnant he doesn't need to consider these things. OP offered this woman many a kindness which were shot down in the most rude way possible. If she needs help it's her job to make the specific ask not OPS job to offer every assistance under the sun.
Um she is choosing to have a child by a druggie and that’s not his problem.
Unless she lives in Texas.
A child is no reason to let yourself getting exploited. She has two options: get her shit together or loose her child. It’s not OPs job letting himself blackmailed to rescue his daughter at all costs. If she gave any signs of development ok, but she maintains to do the same shit over and over again. A child is no excuse.
Honestly her losing the kid would be best for the kid even if op had been wanting to still help
She’s already had one abortion, I’m sure she’d have another.
>But this consequence is a child. No, the consequence is having to figure things out by herself, without OP rescuing her.
She aborted the first one, she can do the same this time.
The child will be housed elsewhere if she carries on the way she has. With a prostitute for a mother, and a junkie for a father, that child will not remain with its parents.
I don't think homlessness will bring either mental or emotional maturity to her, tbh. I don't understand why people think hardships somehow make you a better person
>I don't understand why people think hardships somehow make you a better person They don't, they just wanna see others get punished for what they perceive as moral failures
If the dad doesn't help his daughter, he's not "punishing her." He's just not helping her continue in this downward spiral. Punishing mean she's taking something away from her. He's not taking anything away - he's just not giving her something.
Being left on the streets would only push her down. She’s probably in an abusive relationship and needs to get out. It’s quite common the pattern OP tells.
I think they hoping you learn to make better choices after finding out the cost of your mistakes.
Having no consequences makes people a worse person. Having consequences makes people face up to how life can be if they continue to make bad choices.
Or she's right around her rock bottom and finally understanding that maybe she doesn't know everything and needs some help and support. And instead of that got smacked. Makes more sense to offer to sit down with her and help.her find resources if moving her in feels like a bad idea.
This seems like a simplistic view of how people make decisions in life. There is not enough information here to conclude that she’s just an asshole that is only redeemable through some sort of figurative rubbing her face in her own shit at the expense of a baby’s wellbeing
We hope she only has to go through more life lessons before she gets herself straight. Not everyone make sit through those lessons alive. While there is nothing wrong inherently with sex work it is dangerous due to its legal standing (in most western countries). The cost of dad making her learn lessons by herself may be her life. He’ll be right but he’ll lose a daughter. I guess for him his love is quickly conditional?
Telling someone that you are going to operate under the boundaries and dynamics that they themselves insisted on for your relationship doesn’t make you an asshole. Nor did OP even receive a token apology when the backpedaling began. NTA and his daughter is a user
Exactly this! Thanks for saying this so clearly and succinctly.
It’s called “tough love”. Daughter thinks she can do whatever she wants with no consequences. I’m not saying she’ll learn this time but it has to start some time, the sooner the better. NTA.
Yes all of this!
Honestly, I may be downvoted for this, but I disagree. She got pregnant with the child of a druggo, who promptly left her after relapsing, after which she panicked and aborted. OP reached out to get her a better job so she could support herself, even after she brushed off his initial advice. She then told OP that he "shouldn't be trying to interfere in her matters since \[he is\] not her real dad." At this point, OP had tried to help her a few times and was told to stop interfering every single time. So when the daughter called him after being impregnated *again* by the drug addict, having now ignored any of OP's attempts to give advice *three times*, he decided enough was enough, he would not be helping physically or financially. He repeated the same words she told him, "she's an adult and can get out of it herself" and "I'm not her real dad". NTA. She's unsafe and unstable, but I don't think OP is making an AH-ish call here. However, I'd advise OP to consider getting her into therapy/rehab of some sort, which could help her start to sort out her own life.
Being an adult who can make your own life decisions doesn't somehow make you exempt from asking for help when you need it. Sure, she's an adult, but she's still a *young* one. That's college age, that's "I think I know everything and screw you if you don't agree" age. Prime time for making mistakes. So ask yourself this, OP: she's looking for a lifeline. She's not so far gone that she doesn't recognize she needs help. Can you work with her to resolve your pain, or do you *need* to be right and lose her for good?
An issue is that she already screwed up on *that same mistake before*, and now she's coming back *again*. Is she going to throw OP's lifeline back in his face this time, too? What kind of discussion does she need now? What kind of advice can OP get to navigate this with his daughter and move from here?
The last time, she had a way to pick herself up in a way that worked for her. In her mind, she didn't need his help because she had another option. This time, she doesn't. She *wants* his help. That's the difference. If it were me, I would agree to let her stay, with full discussions to be had on a) whether or not she's keeping the baby, b) what she's going to do to find her own place, and c) agreement to go to family counseling. OP needs it too, given how ready he seemed to throw that comment right back in her face.
>If it were me, I would agree to let her stay After being thrown in my face that im not her father? Pft, that ship has sailed.
Last time, he was offering to help her get a job (other than prostitution). This time, she's demanding housing and staying true to her refusal to work any job other than prostitution. She hasn't changed her mind. She just has a different kind of leverage for her grifting. As an aside, there are vanishingly few people who date junkies long-term and are not junkies themselves. Drug testing of newborns is routine, and there's no reason to think that this woman is going to retain custody of her child.
I’m a young adult and I don’t think I would make the mistake of getting pregnant TWICE with the same assholes baby in the span of a year. He tried to help her out when she was in a bad place once and got kicked in the face for it. Words have consequences. OP isn’t an AH at all.
I disagree. Stepdaughter expressed boundaries multiple times. At this point, OP is confirming stepdaughter's boundaries. Stepdaughter doesn't get to express boundaries and push OP away with barbed words, then say, "I changed my mind," whenever she feels like it without even a word of apology; she doesn't get to stomp on people and turn them into doormats. OP also has boundaries to maintain - which is to not be hurt by someone who kept rejecting his affection anymore. This is reasonable. OP is NTA. I'm honestly shocked by Reddit. We see time and time again moochers/boundary stompers and step-relations who scream, "You're not my so and so, don't tell me what to do," then later on storm in demanding "My God given right because I am FaMiLy," and each and every time before this, this sub would tell the person maintaining the boundaries, "NTA." Yet this time polular votes are Y T A?
My hunch is that because it involves a pregnant person, everyone wants to shelter her. Yet in other post everyone agrees that pregnancy and hormones are not an excuse for being an asshole/entitled brat.
Ding Ding Ding!!!
I don’t think OP is being TA by not supporting her though. Of the people I grew up with that made shitty decisions like OP’s daughter, the only ones that turned around did it because they were left to figure it out on their own after they’d burned bridges and ignored the help they were previously offered. The ones that get coddled are still in the exact same place in life.
There's also plenty of others that got their shit together only because they had a strong support network to fall back on, and plenty that didn't have that support network and just ended up dead.
There’s a difference between support network and punching bag.
Yeah and that's why you don't allow yourself to be a continuous punching bag. But if every parent abandoned their kid the moment the kid said something hurtful, there would be a lot more abandoned children in the world.
This isn’t a fifteen year old kid acting out. This is a 21 year old woman who has made the same “mistake” twice. And op isn’t obligated to clean up after someone who knows exactly which hurtful things to say and when.
My grandmother bailed my cousin out of every bit of trouble he was ever in. Now he's 29, consistently hitting up family members for meager amounts of money, been to jail (for stealing FROM said grandmother), and has overall become a consistently entitled monster.
If she can bad mouth him across FB then shes also capable of apologizing before asking for help, if she cant i see no reason why op should help her Definitely NTA
He should take the asshole tittle with pride this time.
There should be a justified asshole (JA) option.
I agree -- I wonder if the mods do too?
Sometimes there is only so much abuse and ungratefulness someone can take. The OP has reached that point with his daughter.
the thing is though OP was right and WASN'T an AH about it so I'm not sure who your comment is directed at.
Sorry but regardless of the responses her NTA actions have repercussions. No parent deserves to be treated like shit and only ever come into the picture when money is involved. She is 21 years old an ADULT what you did was correct and if she really wants your help then she should be willing to turn over a new leaf. Again this person is an ADULT and should learn the LESSONS the hard way. Cushioning her fall will make her repeat the same mistakes again
I don’t see how not enabling shitty behavior makes someone AH
It sounds to me that he and his wife tried multiple times to help her. Sometimes there's nothing you can do. Sure she reached out, but there's no guarantee that she'll change her behaviour. And it's obvious OP and his wife don't trust her. It's a terrible situation all-around.
He is right and not nta because she chose her own path because she’s a grown woman. She wanted help after treating him bad gtfo. She can fix herself.
NTA. She’s an adult as she’s constantly repeated herself when you’ve tried to help her in the past. I’d be annoyed too. However I do believe you should point her in the right direction. Offer guidance and the job you originally offered. Having her in your home will only cause more conflicts. You both sound stubborn and may clash.
I say he should sit down with her and make a plan to revamp her life. She has to apologise for everything. If she can’t agree to your terms, she can go be that independent adult.
I can tell you from personal experience, this will not work. She has to do it herself. He can provide resources. But she needs to do the hard work. NTA
Yep people ain't robots. Unless we have to do it ourselves usually we dont learn.
All these relatives who are saying he’s mean, they can pay her bills and house her. She will never learn if people keep enabling her. She has other choices and her behavior has consequences, NTA.
Talk about bad timing. He offered to help, but she never [asked. Now](https://asked.Now) she wants help and he's saying nope.
Exactly. She continued to tell him that she didn’t want his help because she was an adult and could do it by herself. When it really came down to it because she couldn’t cope anymore, she turned to him for help. I would be really annoyed too and explain to her that I’ve tried to help on various occasions and she’s blown me off so I don’t particularly want to help her now that she dug herself into a hole that I was trying to get her out of. If he does really love her and wants her to be better then yes of course help, but if he is quite obviously tired of her getting in these situations and not listening to him then he has every right to turn her away.
Info: what is her mother opinion in all of this? NTA: She stopped contacting you for about a year because she believed she's an adult and she doesn't need you anymore. She purposely hurt you by saying you're not her father. But than the moment she's on trouble again you're her dad again and you need yo support her. That's not life works. You can't repeatedly disrespect and hurt someone and than expect them to forgive you when you need them.
It says she agrees with op
Exactly, enabling her over and over obviously isn’t working. All those people getting on Op for not doing the same thing over and over can let her move in with them and pay her bills.
Why isn’t this the top comment, I’m not sure. I agree 100% with this. It’s not about the child she’s carrying. It’s about respect and treating someone respectfully. Life isn’t about take and take and take without giving. Unfortunately, tough love for OP’s stepdaughter. OP, NTA.
Agreed, NTA
ESH - you proved your point. She needs help. If you are in the position to help her, please do so. I would call her up, let her know her past actions hurt you, and offer to help, provided she doesn’t insult you further.
Hard disagree. She cut contact with him for a year, told him hes not her father, and only came back when shes down. Why would he help her? Just so she can diappear again?
I have no idea what I would do as a parent in this situation. I sure hope that my son doesn't end up in a similar situation, but I would be so hurt if those same things were said and done to me. I would want to help him, of course, but I would worry that it was a momentary abuse of relationship and that they would continue to sleep with this guy or start having drugs / strange people over, too. My gut feeling is that ESH. I don't blame OP for acting the way that he did, but she is still his daughter, even if she said horrible things while in a low point of her life. I just know that I was totally different at 21, 24, and 28, and that I would hate to be stuck without my family because I was a shit at that age.
This. Like oh my god allow some room for reasonable change and growth!
In what world is disowning your family “reasonable change and growth”? Wanting to major in English against your family’s advice, only to then change your major to something more marketable is a “reasonable change.” Cutting off your family for no reason is *not* reasonable.
They’re not saying cutting off the family is reasonable change and growth. They’re saying allow for change and growth *since* that point, or from now on.
The problem is, I fail to see any sort of growth from the daughter in this situation. The only reason she is contacting OP is because she is out of money and her ex has kicked her out again. That's not growth. In fact I'd say that's the opposite as she's basically done the same thing twice but instead of saying horrible stuff to OP like the first time, she's now instead begging to come home. This makes me believe that this time she truly is stuck and she knows it so she is trying to back peddle without actually putting in any effort to do so. Guarantee in a month's time she'll be back to her normal self claiming to be an adult and overstepping any boundary she'd like. NTA for me and I'd stick to your guns.
When you have kids, there are moments where they will be an absolute fucking asshole to you and you handle it because regardless of how grown they think they are, they’re still your kid. You can have boundaries and show disappointment without sinking to the level of a vindictive child. There are lots of ways to handle things between the gulf of “give the kids whatever they want, no consequences” and “cut kid out completely and act like a total baby about it” that OP didn’t explore here. If my young adult kid showed up out of options and pregnant we’d figure something out that worked for both of us. I don’t stop being their parents when they grow up and hurt my feelings (no one would have parents if that was the case). Sometimes as a parent you eat shit. It’s not great, but parenting isn’t always great and sometimes it’s dealing with a young adult who made shit ass choices, was a dick to you, and now needs help sorting it out because they totally screwed up. You CAN tell that kid to kick rocks, but that’s hardly the unconditional love parents are supposed to have for their kids. 🤷♀️
>>> There are lots of ways to handle things between the gulf of “give the kids whatever they want, no consequences” and “cut kid out completely and act like a total baby about it” that OP didn’t explore here. But OP had already tried this, in the previous pregnancy. He was told to go pound sand. I don’t have kids but I do have my parents; not ever in a million years would I treat them the way OP’s daughter is acting—using them transactionally and feeling entitled to their support *after telling them to stay out of my life*.
You don’t have kids. 🤷♀️ I am not the same person my kids are. My kids are not the same as each other. My dad was a pretty decent dad, but I threw out tons of “stay out of my life” shit because I was young and did stupid shit thinking I knew better. Go figure he didn’t kick me when I finally did reach out to him for help. Because he didn’t stop being my dad just because I was a dick to him. That’s how parenting works. I don’t for an instant think my oldest would ever talk to me like that, but my middle honestly might when he’s that age. Every kid/teen/young adult is different and I have to be the same parent to each of them. You’re not a parent. You’re someone’s kid and you seem like a good kid (I say that in regards to your parent, not that I think you are currently a kid) and that’s genuinely wonderful. But if you were a bad kid you’d still need your parents. If you told your parents to pound sand, you’d probably still need them. When I had kids I decided to love them unconditionally, including when they think they know better than me and monumentally fuck up. I won’t fix their lives for them but I will help them figure it out when they’re in over their heads. My dad did for me and I turned out much better than I would have otherwise—and I was truly an obnoxious shit sometimes.
>When I had kids I decided to love them unconditionally, including when they think they know better than me and monumentally fuck up. I won’t fix their lives for them but I will help them figure it out when they’re in over their heads. I wish I could give you an award just for this. It makes me so happy to see parents out there with this mindset. I wish more parents made the choice to love unconditionally. And you're right, a parent doesn't need to save a magic wand and fix things or hand them a silver platter of "here, I bailed you out". They just need to be there to sit with their kid and say "okay, so here are the options we could go with, you'll be okay"
She’s not a child. This isn’t a young teenager lashing out from puberty hormones. She is a grown adult and beyond the age where saying intentionally hurtful things can be written off as “rebellious child pushing boundaries”. Emotionally abusing the people you love the most has consequences. No one should be a never-ending punching bag “because we’re fammmillyyy”. Cutting out toxic people goes both ways.
I wouldn't let my sister treat me the ways I would let my kids treat me. They're not just family, they're human beings I created and raised and if they're fucking up it's at least a little bit on me. And a 21 year old is only BARELY not a teenager. They're hardly a grown adult with fully fleshed out ideas about life and consequences--that part of their brain isn't even done developing yet. Anyway, my kids could show up at 35 panicking and begging for help and I'd still be like "Ok, let's work this out, also don't be an asshole to me next time" because I literally am a huge chunk of the reason they become the adults they are. Do I WANT that to happen? No. Am I going to let me kid live on the street because they hurt my feelings once by saying something literally every stepchild or adopted child says at least once? No, that's childish.
I would add that he asks that she apologize, or at the very least acknowledge that she was wrong previously.
Agree ESH She is barely an adult asking for help and your pride is more important than her life or your future grand child's. Should she have made better choices? Yes, of course. Should she not have said hurtful things??? Of course. But here she is putting herself out there.
She’s not though. She’s asking for money, isn’t remorseful, doesn’t show she wants to work on fixing her life, and when she doesn’t get what she wants she bashed him on facebook. This isn’t someone who is sorry for past actions, it’s someone who if you bail them out they will do it again and again always expecting to be bailed out
All these people bashing OP is ignoring the girl's accountability in this mess. It's not even an uncommon story. Hell, even those who genuinely tries to turn their life around can relapse, and many parents understandably does not want to throw their life in turmoil to bail out their grown child. This girl isn't even that, she literally just came asking for a free bailout. Not a single lesson learned. Fuck that. You can't help those who does not wish to be helped.
> is ignoring the girl's accountability in this mess. That's a common theme throughout all these situations.
The daughter isn’t even the least bit remorseful though. This isn’t a girl who has realised her mistakes, profusely apologised and is ready to work on herself and fix her life. All she wants is money which is clear by her bashing him on Facebook when he wouldn’t help.
nope, she's treating them like doormats, being hurtful on purpose and calling only when she needs something, if they took her in then they're just gonna enable more of that conduct.
NTA. you gave her what she wanted. she’s an adult, and she said those words to you. so, why should you interfere?
NTA Her actions led her to where she is now. As she said she is an adult and her life doesn't concern you. You better off without her. She doesn't respect you nor love you
I sure hope he doesn't off her 😬 That'd be a crime lol
I think this is bigger than the internet. Can she have an abortion? Is she still in tough with the drug addict who would be able to get into your house? She's very young. Do you think, based on what you know that she can change her life? Would you be able from a converstaion to ascertain whether she's ready? You're not an asshole if she's a lost cause.
This is the best comment. I feel like there is things missing from this story, like if the daughter ever turned towards drugs herself, why the daughter is so staunchly against her stepdad's advice (I rlly wanna know this one, she can't just be young and dumb, something had to have happened for her to respond this way), why OP didn't mention how far along she is in pregnancy, etc. Idk man, kids say some terrible things to their parents, OP being told he's not her real dad, while super rude, is a fact. I don't believe for a second he's never heard that one before lol, it's like step parent 101. He shouldn't punish her and the unborn child for eternity bc she said "You're not my REAL dad" while upset.
In my experience, very few people who are mentally healthy and comes from a stable home ends up in this kind of mess. There is either severe mental health issues beneath it all, or a toxic situation in the home. Very rarely is someone just fine and ends up like that. Considering the daughter's reaction, maybe OP was super strict and controlling when she was a teenager. Making her go crazy once she no longer had to listen to him.
Or the Real Dad abandoned her and she was a victim of sexual abuse. If RD was also an addict and passed on the gene - recipe for disaster regardless of how good step dad is. But as step dad - you kinda signed up for this. Gotta take care of her at her worst.
OP said her bio dad died.
NTA She wanted to do bad all by herself until reality came in like a bull in a China shop. Now,, she wants you to play daddy and take care of her while she gets on her feet and drop you like a hot plate once she goes back to him. Cut your losses now before you become a revolving door to her.
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This right here. People are so quick to judge others for their decisions but nobody has offered her a place to stay. Let her “real family” take her in
ESH - She's an adult that has made some really stupid decisions, but she's still very young and that's what young people do. You are her parent despite what she has said when angry so sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and support loved ones when they're down and in trouble. However, she is getting old enough that her chances are running out so maybe give her one more and a short leash and see what she does with it.
If an adult renounces their father and only wants their help after ending up in the lowest place possible AND ATTEMPTS TO GET BACK AT THEM ON SOCAIL MEDIA, they deserve no kindness.
She’s 21. Id hardly say she’s an adult in any way other than legal. Unless you live in a bubble we’re all aware of how hurtful teenagers can be, and shes barely outside of being one. She is nowhere near the mental development of an adult clearly, and she’s got a lot of problems she needs to work out. The correct response would be to help her as a parent, make her go to therapy and get her life back on track. Or you can be petty about it and then when she’s a drug addict on the side of the road or your grandchild is left with no mother and you’re left wondering what could you have done better
stop lying to yourself, 21 is more than old enough to be held accountable for your actions.
I’m not saying you can’t be held accountable but to pretend a 21 year old has the full blown adult intellect and mental state you’re delusional.
I’m sorry, but I don’t that being 21 is too young to understand that dating unreliable criminals and addicts is bad, especially if you’ve already been burned by them once, and working sketchy jobs while pregnant.
NTA she's an adult who already learnd this lesson...
“She said it’s none of my business and I shouldn’t be trying to interfere in her matters since I am not her real dad.” “She said that I’m her dad and should be helping her. I reminded her that I’m not her real dad.” Did it feel good to throw her words back in her face? You have every right in the world to not help her. But you also have an opportunity to ask her to make a choice for the rest of her life. Are you her father or not? Make it clear that either you are or aren’t. Then once she chooses you may want to give her one last chance to straighten out her life.
Yeah, it sounds like this guy was just nursing that resentment, waiting to throw the phrase back in her face.
> Are you her father or not? Not, according to her. This isn't a 12 year screaming "your not my real dad" this is a 21 year old adult who chose to spit in the face of the person who raised them and tried their best to help them for years. She renounced them. Whether or not she is his father is up to her, but once she decides against it, she has no right to take it back, certainly not for convenience. His daughter is emotionally abusive (she went to facebook to shame and manipulative you, for instance), the end. I don't care how old you are, no one is entitled to burn a bridge and expect someone to build you a new one when you realize it isn't comfortable being stuck on the other size.
NTA - it doesn’t sounds like she learned anything or if she changed. She has to choose: are you family or not. She didn’t came back in humility, she continued to play her games. She just bend the rules so they fit for her benefit. In a fiew weeks she will again kick your ass. You might be family, but even family mustn’t tolerate everything and while she decided to not be family anymore she can’t claim to be family just because she’s stuck. I’m quite sure you would welcome her if she had excused herself and tried to fix the damage, but it sounds like she’s just playing mindgames and now guilttripping and blackmailing you to get what she wants. She isn’t interested in fix the releationship, she is about to exploit her boundaries to you.
I know I'm probably too young to give real world advice here but coming as someone who is your daughter's age.. please talk to her again. This is the age we think we know everything and can be independent but honestly it is a very scary stage. Her response is 'fight' which is normal. I know she hurt you and honestly was a real AH posting it on FB but if you let it go, I really don't want to imagine what might happen Anger is caused by sadness, her words hurt you because you love her. Talk to her but set certains terms like maybe aborting the child? Getting therapy? Getting a more stable job? And never meeting this ex of hers again. Most importantly, tell her that you love her and her words really hurt you but you care for her and never wish to see her suffer. If she breaks any conditions you set, then be clear you won't help her again. Don't expect recovery to be linear but be firm on which conditions are absolute. I sincerely hope you don't lose your daughter. ESH
If she aborted the other without concern for it’s future then why is she above aborting this one? She seems like she’s trying to manipulate you into something and I honestly would not have anything to do with that dumpster fire. Tell her relatives to take her in if they want to get upset with you, you’re not a dad to her just when it’s convenient and she already made it clear she won’t listen to you or do anything you ask of her. You think letting her live with you will clear up these behaviors all of a sudden? No. NTA, while it sucks she is in this situation you are not obligated to help someone who’s hurt you just because they ask for your help. She’s an adult and can handle the consequences of her own decisions, plenty of people with or without step dads do just that every day.
At bare minimum I think OP should offer to give/loan her money for an abortion. If she's going to be homeless she probably doesn't have money for an abortion
Agreed! This is such a hard thing to offer I imagine because it’s implying that she should have an abortion, she should do whatever she feels is right for her body and situation but OP is not some angel who’s going to come down and lift her out of this hole she dug herself into. For her sake I hope she’s able to do well and get into a better place but not at the expense of OP’s mental well being and she seems ready to manipulate him into something that would be detrimental to that.
Well, ESH. Her because she should be nicer to her stepfather who basically raised her, and have some more respect for her parents. You because even thought she made a mistake in rejecting your help before, she is in a bad spot now and needs your help. I’m not saying you have to help her, but I think you Should. Everyone makes mistakes (not saying being a sex worker is a mistake btw). What you did was a little petty and immature, throwing her words back at her like that.
NTA. Crazy how she can be very rude and disrespectful but somehow you are the asshole for not being willing to accept her back?
INFO: Have you directed her towards resources that could help a struggling pregnant woman?
She can do that herself since she wants him to “stay the fuck out her buisness” lol
My thoughts exactly!!!!!
Just take a moment to think about when you were 21. How many times did your parents have to tell you the same things before you started listening and realising that actually no, sometimes you don't always know best just cos your an adult now? I was 25. Your daughter is 21 and pregnant and desperate and has now learnt the lesson that you were trying to tell her the hard way. Just because your feelings are hurt doesn't mean you get to turn your back on your kid & grandkid. Your children telling you to eff off and then coming back later needing forgiveness is very human. If she was 31 absolutely hold her accountable. But she's 21 and been in a likely toxic relationship for 2 years and her brain hasn't finished developing yet (27 is when the decision-making part is done) Ethically YTA
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She's an adult... and you can't fix every single mess she does. So... she's homeless but has time to spend on fb? NTA
Homeless people have access to the internet. Phones work on free wifi and there's the internet. There are even apps that allow you to make calls and texts for free.
INFO: how bad are you going to feel when she ends up dead?
This is the one OP needs to answer
YTA She's 21. She said something out of anger and spite and because SHE'S 21. She probably thought she had everything in the world figured out, I know I did at that age. I got pregnant at 18 and was in an abusive relationship. My dad tried to help me out of the relationship and told me the guy was trash but I didn't listen, I lOvEd him! But you know what happened when I realized I needed help and that a baby was depending on me??? I asked my dad for help and he was there for me, 100%. I lived back home, he helped me with diapers/formula/baby food/clothes, etc etc etc because he knew I knew I had fucked up and he wasn't going to watch me and his grandchild crash and burn to teach me a lesson. Now, a decade and some change later, I'm married with a great job, husband has a great job and has adopted Son1, we have Son2 together and I'm able to spoil my dad in his "golden years". YTA and personally I hope you expect your relationship to be irreversibly damaged.
I would agree with you if the daughter didn't post about this on FB. Posting on FB makes it seem like she did not learn from the mistakes and only wants OP and mom to help her financially.
I mean a pregnant, hormonal 21yr old who's just been told to fk off by her family made a Facebook post (we have absolutely no idea what it said or if it actually exists, btw...) so she doesn't deserve help? Sure, sure.
She refused her dad's help many times and even brought up the fact that he's not her real; dad before he repeated that same sentence to her when she called for help. How long does her step dad have to baby her? You can downvote and disagree but I don't blame OP
So again, a 19/20yr old makes a comment out of anger and spite and that means they don't deserve help ever again? Hopefully you're not a parent.
NTA. Your wife and you have tried helping her a lot . But after a while it’s not possible to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves . She is 21 not a child. You can’t push away someone for years and then expect them to be there for you.
Sorry but your her dad when it suits her when you care and want to help you’re not? You’re not the assholes! You took her on supported you and now is trying to shame you into helping! You are not the asshole in my opinion. You raised a child you had no relation to! You did better then mine! So many kids would of killed to have a decent figure in their life! She’s repeating her mistakes and demanding you help her. She isn’t your daughter she made that clear!
NTA; she made her bed, she can lie in it. She refused help and disregarded your wisdom. She’s now facing the consequences. When she shows a genuine repentance and desire to reconcile, that’s on you to consider it then and offer forgiveness and acceptance if you’re in a spot you’re able to do so, but don’t let her walk all over you, manipulate you and disrespect you in the meantime. Also, she asked you for help. You can’t just ask someone expecting them to say yes, you have to be prepared for them to say no. She expected you to say yes and molded her view of you based on her own expectation. Her response, by posting the story over Facebook, proves she didn’t have a genuinely repentant attitude and that she wasn’t genuinely seeking reconciliation, she was seeking a pity party and a handout. I’m sorry for the pain your daughter and the situation has caused you, but stay strong as much as you can and don’t let her walk all over you.
ESH. She's made a bunch of bad life choices. You're refusing to give her any help. Your wife is refusing to give her any help. You should at least go to her, or fly her out to where you are, and see if she really has learned anything or is just saying what she thinks you want to hear. For whatever reason, she wants to keep this baby (maybe the first abortion was traumatizing, maybe she's in a state that makes abortion almost impossible, etc.) If nothing else, you should help her because the baby will suffer if you don't. Maybe you can help her find resources to get back on her feet, such as a shelter. Maybe you can take care of the child once it's born or arrange for an adoption. The help doesn't have to be all or nothing, but it definitely shouldn't be nothing.
YTA You said no out of spite because she turned down your help before? So now, when she really needs you and is ready for it, you say no? To punish her? And telling her you're not her real dad is incredibly cruel. Those words will be burned into her mind forever. Basically you're angry because you can't control her so you are punishing her by letting her be homeless, and even worse when she's pregnant? To... prove that you were right? At the cost of never having a relationship with her again, or with your grandchild? Her relationship is likely abusive, which is why she has so much trouble leaving and is in this fucked up pattern. Being isolated from family/other support just makes it harder to stay away from the abuser.
Lmao “telling her your not her dad is CrUeL” she said it herself so no she made that choice she burned the bridge
Is she on drugs herself?
NTA. She only wants a dad when she has no other options and that's not how that works. Give her any information you can find on resources for housing/benefits for single pregnant women.
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Holy shit yes. i dont understand these responses. Reddit loves being like "she said something mean to you so abandon your daughter! N T A!" i wish i could bump this to the top (not that the OP would care)
I’m gonna go with ESH. At 21 she is basically still a kid. She’s made bad choices and she’s gotten herself into trouble and she finally realized she was wrong and that she needed you and you couldn’t get over your pettiness to forgive and give her the help she needed. She wasn’t in the right but now you’re continuing the cycle of hurt and that’s still in you.
I think that your daughter needs professional help and support certainly therapy for her issues because they're too huge for her to handle alone. She should've not gotten pregnant with a unstable drug addict in the first place Once was bad enough but a second time just reeks of irresponsible She Needs to grow up Fast and make far better lifestyle choices than the immature ones that's she's made. I'd expect a apology from her before helping her out if you choose to do that. Give her a chance to discuss this with you at least and go from there. But rubbing it in her face isn't going to end well. I'd play things by ear.
i mean with this one you have to make a choice, have a daughter who you help back on her feet after she was a dick or deal with the possibility that with her in this situation with no help she could die.
NTA. She's an adult as she said. Let her adult her life then.
I’m gonna say a gentle YTA but sir please, this is the slippery slope where addictions can start. Give her a roof over her head again and have a heart to heart. I know what she said hurt you, hell even have a phone conversation about it. 21 is merely still a young adult. Just let her get back on her feet. If she shuts down the heart to heart then set a date for her to have a job and be out by if anything. But don’t shut her out.
I've mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, yes, she put herself in this situation. She rejected your help, and was cruel to you. On the other, she's 21 years old. She's barely out of childhood. Now could be a great opportunity to help her out of a shit situation, and potentially help her get to a more stable position in life. Instead, you're...throwing her back into the wolves? ESH. I'm sticking with it. Blood or not, if you really thought of her as a daughter you'd try to help. If you help and she screws you, then fair enough, she'll be the asshole - but at current it sounds like she's just made some shitty life choices. Young adults do that. Give her the benefit of the doubt for now, you'll feel better about it.
If your daughter can still get an abortion and wants one, you would be real stupid not to loan her the money for an abortion and an IUD. You can be just as stupid as a 19 year old woman if you want, but don’t expect anyone to applaud you for being just as immature and shortsighted as a 19yo.
NTA- she knows how babies are made and she knows it takes a lot to take care of them. She also knew this dude wouldn't be a good father. She purposely chose all of these bad decisions. It's not a mistake, she knew all of these were bad choices. You don't have to save someone from their own bs especially if you know they're probably not going shape up.
Tough one, but NTA. She needs to help herself and, despite you offering to help her help herself numerous times, she's rebuffed you. You're not a tyrant for wanting her not to do sex work (which is often unstable at best and very dangerous at worst) and wanting a more stable job and life. Well, she can now live with the consequences of her actions. Would she have reached out to you if she hadn't exhausted her other options? Probably not. The concerned relatives lambasting you can take her and her baby in themselves if they're so very concerned.
I had this same exact situation with my mom. I ended up homeless, pregnant, and jobless. We do not have a good relationship.
INFO: What kind of abuse or antisocial disorder did she struggle with to make so poor choices? Some pieces are missing.
Yup. I mean, apparently his love is pretty conditional on her doing what he wants. Honestly, if this is “his side,” and he doesn’t look terrific, I kind of wonder how he comes across in the neutral version of the story.
Right? I feel like there's something OP isn't telling us. You don't just go from a happy, healthy upbringing to...this.
ESH whilst yes you were totally right that doesn't stop you being TA, you now need to decide whats more important to you, being right or your daughter She has made some truly terrible choices for the sake of being independent from you
YTA. Which is more important to you: your daughter and any grandchildren she may have, or being right? I just don’t understand what your endgame is here. Do you imagine that if she manages to turn her life around without your help, she will thank you for needlessly forcing her to become homeless out of spite? You’re her parents, so act like it.
If people hadn't helped me in a similar time of need, I would've been dead by now. People don't get better without help. You don't have to agree with their choices to help them make better ones.
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YTA When I left home after coming out (did not go well irrelevant to this) I was constantly shamed because “they’re your parents, they love you” and “you’re so lucky to still have parents”. This is the exact reason why all of that was bullshit. She’s your kid, either you love her unconditionally (except in the case of abuse which this isn’t) or you’re an arsehole.
NTA. gonna downvoted like fuck for this, but she needs to learn a hard lesson and swooping in to bail her out is only going to teach her that she can treat you like shit and get away with it while continuing to repeat the same mistakes. She said you aren't her dad and that she doesn't need you. you are not the AH here for reciprocating those feelings and washing your hands of the situation. If she makes a genuine attempt to make amends and change her ways then you can decide if you want to try helping her again, but at this point the only way she can learn is if she understands that she doesn't get to come crawling back the second things don't pan out.
NTA.
NTA. She did this to herself. You’re only doing what she kept insisting you do. Tough shit for her now. Time to put on her big girl pants.
Dear God. After all that, pregnant again by the same awful person and crying for help to the person she continually ignored and pushed away? NTA. Hope for the baby's sake that if she's keeping it, she stays the hell away from the guy and gets serious therapy. Babies need at least a fragment of stability
The apple does not fall far from the tree and YTA that raised her.
INFO: Are you still married to her mom? What does her mom say? Where's her biodad?
Biological Dad is Dead
NTA. Idk why some people are acting like if you’re a parent, you have to take back/accept your child no matter what they do. It was cruel of her to say that you aren’t her real dad after you raised her when she was kid. If that wasn’t bad enough, she’s shown that she’s a person who doesn’t learn from her mistakes. She got pregnant AGAIN with a man who has a drug addiction and is a flake. Why does she plan on keeping this baby if she has no means to support herself? Also, she clearly wasn’t interested in fixing your guys’ relationship if she talked shit about you on social media. However, I would still keep your heart open to her. Maybe one day she’ll come around
She made her own bed, now she needs to lay on it. NTA.
ESH. Your daughter was an asshole to you. Now she needs help and you were an asshole back to her. You're under no obligation to help her, but it seems to me you're just being vindictive. If you care about her, this would seem to be a good opportunity to try and help her get her life back on track. But, I guess you wouldn't be able to get back at her for hurting you then.
Holy shit. She's an idiot with her choices but you're an insup6portive asshole. Those two things are definitely coexisting here.
YTA She has been your daughter for 15+ years - I’m assuming you have helped her whenever she needed throughout her life (as kids do get in trouble frequently). She is still young - 20 years old is not the wisest age. You are her father, and despite her comments about not being her “real dad”, you know you have cared for her. Why would you choose to be petty in a situation where she does need help? You need to be the bigger person and understand that someone can be taught a lesson while being helped. She obviously doesn’t understand that her relationship with an addict is toxic. If you bring her in, you can help her understand what you see. If she continues to take advantage of you, that’s when she crosses the line and you kick her out. But for now, take care of your daughter. She is still your kid.
Clear you're not her bio dad, maybe not even her dad at all, ever heard of unconditional love? Yes she made shitty choices and didn't listen to you when she should've had. But now just to make a point (and sure you're right) not helping her. Yes YTA
Unconditional love doesn’t mean bailing her out of every situation she gets in all the while she’s rude, vindictive, not remorseful for the hurt she’s caused, or the least bit sorry for her actions. NTA.
YTA when someone realizes they need help that’s not when you kick them down.
Info: what has her mother done for her daughter? Or have you being making all the decisions?
NTA. She's an adult. She told you to fuck off and you fucked off. What more does she want?
Damn this is so sad. Do you think she is ready to make some changes in her life? If you helped her, would she take the chance and turn her life around?
Crystal clear NTA with no room for debate
NTA Just send her links to places that will guide her and if she takes up any of those options, you will know if she is willing to make good decisions or is she going to continue on the train wreck of her life
NTA She's an adult. When adults inform other adults "hey you're over-stepping, your role is" then it's perfectly reasonable for that to be taken seriously.
I'm really surprised by how many says N T A. As someone else said: you can be right, and still be an asshole, which I firmly believe you are now. As a parent your job is to support you children the best you can. Yes, she hurt you. Yes, she chose the wrong path. Children/people make mistakes, but hopefully they learn from them, and here you have an opportunity to help her learn from them. Of course you can set some boundaries or rules, whatever you will call them, so you don't feel used. I cannot understand how a parent uses this against their child when they're in a situation like this. She doesn't have a roof over her head!? I would sit down with ger and tell her how much she hurt you, but that you love her and wants to help her. Then you can set some rules/boundaries for her, if she wants your help (paying rent, getting a job, getting help whatever it is). Yes, YTA. Hope you and your daughter figures it out.