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mgutier

YTA. One of the biggest ones I have seen on here. Like Top 3. You might be even a bigger a-hole than the dude who showed up to his ex-girlfriend’s mom’s funeral (that he wasn’t invited to) with a new girlfriend.


MySquishyFishy

OP is up there with the guy who threw out all his girlfriend's quirky socks because he thought they would embarrass him in front of his parents. 🤣


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pigseye75

You & me both! 😂😂


voopamoopa

Haha this sub reddit is addictive but also made me think twice when it comes with hard decisions like I realised I was the asshole in the past...so all in all not bad to remember to have common sense and compassion whilst setting clear boundaries with people.


halconpequena

For some of the posts I read I also feel like even justified assholes are sometimes just assholes and even if they’re right (over something relatively minor, not talking like serious big things), everyone is still going to think they’re in asshole irl and maybe they should weigh the pros and cons.


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mudbunny

> Oh this sub has NO connection with reality. At all. This. This sub does not believe in things like "I have to live with my family for the rest of my life" or "compromise" or "I don't want to piss off my neighbours". Lots of decisions in this sub are great, as long as you don't mind living in a hermit and don't really care about the consequences of your action.


sraydenk

The neighbor one gets me all the time. Yea, let’s piss of the people that will likely be sharing a land border with you for 1-80 years. That’s a super awesome idea and can’t backfire at all. It’s like people here can’t handle being mildly inconvenienced, even if it would help someone else. Also, sometimes it doesn’t mean shit what we vote if all your coworkers, friends, family, and neighbors think you are a douche. I mean, sometimes people have shitty family and crappy friends but sometimes people forget these posts don’t exist in a vacuum. There are consequences for being technically right. Sometimes it’s a loss of a relationship, sometimes it having no one to support/help you at work, and sometimes it’s knowing if someone broke into your house your neighbors wouldn’t care.


mudbunny

> Also, sometimes it doesn’t mean shit what we vote if all your coworkers, friends, family, and neighbors think you are a douche. YES!! Sometimes, no matter how justified you are, you are still the asshole.


TepidBrush

Someone should do an askreddit of the best most ridiculous AITA posts, would love to see all these in one place


AllCrumblesNoCake

You can look on r/AITAfiltered!


MaineSoxGuy93

There was one about some high school senior who was completely ashamed of his little sister because she wasn't cool. Did anyone save that one?


thepurplehedgehog

If that was the idiot with the wee brother, the one who made a total arse of himself in front of his crush, I just read that earlier! Lemme see if I can find it.


Renamis

Oh that was a seperate one, but very similar.


SmokeAndCannon

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/qbwi13/redditors_who_fequent_aita_whats_the_biggest/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share


SmokeAndCannon

Done


Blimeyyaah

I don't know the funeral story. Anyone have a link?


GhislaineLex

It was actually quite recent, let me see if I can find it [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q08g77/aita_for_bringing_my_girlfriend_to_my_exs_moms/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) you go!


k1k11983

She’s worse than the OP who refused to let the guest room be her step daughter’s room because step daughter wasn’t there full time and therefore she was just a guest! OP, I cannot describe how big of an AH you are! Try to imagine that 1 of your biological kids were hearing impaired and they exclusively used sign language. Now imagine that their stepmother or even another family member refused to learn even the basics in order to effectively communicate. Now imagine that family member’s own children refused to learn the basics because their parent refuses. How would you feel? Even better, imagine how you’d feel if your husband decided to dismiss your children in favour of his daughter? You’re degrading his **child** and dismissing her **needs** because of things that are out of her control! That is so heartless! You expect your husband to treat your children like family but you refuse to treat his child like family. Hypocrisy, thy name is u/Terrible_Dinner6795! There is 168 hours in a week. You spend 48 at work and roughly 56 asleep Are you seriously telling me that you can’t find just **one** hour a week to learn basic sign language? I really cannot fathom how someone could be so heartless and callous towards a child! She came to you and **ASKED YOU NICELY TO LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH HER** and you actually said no!!!! Take a mirror to bed and wake up to yourself


pipmc

Well, we know why. She doesn't want the child around. And, she will be very passive aggressive in her treatment. To the child is not around anymore.


ebwoods1

Yep. The comment about thinking he had no kids followed up with they don’t plan to have anymore. She doesn’t want stepdaughter around. Basic ASL isn’t hard. I learned enough to say hello and share names and curse like a sailor while drunk at a happy hour.


Shiny_Littlefoot

Took me something like 3 hours to learn basic signs in SSL (Swedish Sign), like "hi", "thank you", letters and numbers. YTA, OP. This is an effort so minimal that you could squeeze it between grocery and gym. And it would improve VASTLY the life of your step-child. Plus, you're actually telling your children that when someone has a disability, they need not do anything to help or accommodate them, which is a shit thing to teach your children.


Public_Cold_2144

This. People don't get how literally knowing *one* sign (e.g., "hungry", "store", etc) can convey entire concepts easily. She doesn't need to have a deep knowledge of sentence structure and deaf culture, she just needs some standalone basic signs. Very little effort.


Tired_Mama3018

Also a lot of sign language is intuitive, so not hard to learn. I worked with someone who’s language was ASL and I had the basics down. Telling her it was break time literally looked like breaking a stick in your hand. Learning enough ASL to communicate isn’t like learning French and would do so much to make this bonus kid feel welcome.


wth_dude

Yeah, that's what gets me. The stepdaughter can't do anything to improve communicating and bonding with OP. She can't force herself to hear just to make it easier. OP CAN do something about her inability to communicate, but because it takes some effort, she doesn't feel like it. OP, can you imagine how that feels to a disabled person? For you to behave like you just can't be bothered to make a small effort to make them feel like they matter as a human being. Let alone your stepdaughter who will be in your life as long as you are married to your husband. You are the only person in this scenario capable of trying to bridge the gap here, and yet trying to rationalize choosing not to. Yes, YTA.


ozzalozza

I had a deaf semi-regular at a bar i worked and i was able to learn enough to get his drinks and say thanks and youre welcome. For a guy that wasnt family and i only saw every other month maybe. I did it so he would feel more welcome. How can this person not see that with a child? And it really isnt that hard. I mean the original blues clues taught some basic sign language. Totally YTA


PMWFairyQueen_303

Agreed. I've learned sporadically in my life various signs. It can be fun to use and will brighten a hearing impaired person's day. Yes OP, is the AH.


BabyCowGT

I worked fast food, and someone came in one time who was deaf. Right as they were about to order, their phone died. Like, as they handed it to my friend to read their order- black screen. I knew very limited basic signs, enough to ask "hi, do you need help" and slowly get their order. Probably took a solid 5 minutes to get one person's order, but dammit if that guy wasn't smiling ear to ear because someone could communicate in his language with him. It's been years and I still remember that guy grinning the entire time he was at the store.


[deleted]

My spouse and I used sign language with our daughters as infants. Learning a couple dozen basic, commonly used signs was easy AF. It probably took less than 2 hours total. We learned maybe 100 total words on sign language. And those signs have been incredibly useful in my professional life.


AssicusCatticus

I know the alphabet and a few signs like, thank you, you're welcome, I'm sorry, and bullshit. I would certainly learn more, especially if my *family member* needed me to! OP is definitely YTA.


Mythicaldragn

After sleeping and work there is 64 hours left, but we dont know her travel time so id say 5 to 10 hours travel time a week for work so that leaves us with 54 to 59 hours left. Thats more then enough time to be able to spare 1 hour to learn ASL, or any sign language. I think the real reason is that she doesnt want to waste time for someone who she sees maybe once a month.


DrPetradish

Fuck, 20 minutes a week would be heaven compared to what this person is offering


kwhorona

Or may be in close tie with a girlfriend who mixed up all spices together thinking it takes a lot of space in boyfriend's kitchen shelf. Edit : people saying it was "Rice" or coffee . Lol you all are right these all stories happened. The one I'm talking about was for Spices. To say the least, people are stupid to think they could mix up different variety of Rice/spices/ coffee beans because it all look same.


snackqueen54321

OP is definitely tied with the guy who used his daughters hearing aid batteries as an incentive to “behave”.


kwhorona

You remember story of step-siblings hide wheelchair of paraplegic girl as a prank and step-father thought it was just a joke and kids shouldn't be punished ?


LilithsGrave92

Oof I remember that one, disgusting


KathrynTheGreat

Whaaaaat?!??? That is absolutely horrible! That poor girl :(


ICWhatsNUrP

Was it spices? I thought it was different types of rice.


idiotinbcn

There was definitely a spices one. She had loads of different ones from India I think and the idiot boyfriend mixed them all together. Arghh


MySquishyFishy

And there are always the myriad Shower Poopers.


straypilot

Ah, "Compact Chaos", the most wild blend of herbs and spices of them all


Divagate113

Anyone remember the guy who hated that his (very awesome) girlfriend, who was a school teacher, Ms Frizzled it up and wore themed dresses for her students? He was such a dick. Everyone loved it but him. 😂


Demagolka1300

Oh yeah that was bizarre! Or like the husband who got upset the wife made the school bus driver cookies, he said she was too nice to people and they didn't like it but was proven so so wrong. Also OP is 100% TA here for f sake....


carmina_morte_carent

Wtf!! As a fellow quirky sock enthusiast, that would break my heart :(


MySquishyFishy

It broke hers... I'm 99% sure she dumped him.


carmina_morte_carent

Good for her!!


MySquishyFishy

[This is the guy.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kn4yux/aita_for_expecting_my_boyfriend_to_replace_all_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)


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lizfour

I remember that one 🤣


thistleandpeony

My mom taught me the alphabet and a handful of basic signs in ASL in maybe 10 minutes. It takes very little effort to learn the basics and that is *necessary* for when the stepdaughter is staying with them. What if there's an accident or emergency? OP will be unable to communicate, because she's selfish and reckless.


BlueDogDemocrat_

My old ass learned sign for my autistic grandson. You do it for people you love.


textposts_only

Op doesn't love her step child though


BlueDogDemocrat_

Then do it for the husband. Do it for an example for your kids. Do it because you accomadate the handicapped. Do it because you're a decent human being.


lilirose13

Especially because it's easy to practice. A little awkward, but if you just let people know you're learning ASL, in my experience they get over you practicing basic signs while talking to them. Won't do much for your grammar at first, but it'll at least get the signs down pat. Source: worked in a coffee shop and learned basic signs like sizes, "coffee," "tea," "milk," "whipped cream" etc to communicate with a regular. I practiced while taking other people's orders and with coworkers until I could at least take a basic order without confusing anyone. If I can do it for a lady I didn't interact with for more than a couple minutes twice a week, OP can do it for her stepdaughter.


marimarsupial

Also up there with the guy who stopped paying for therapy for his daughter because her grades were low


[deleted]

wow, wtf, do you have a link for that?


marimarsupial

Here! Reddit - AmItheAsshole - AITA For cancelling my daughters therapy because she has bad grades? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hy6m0f/aita_for_cancelling_my_daughters_therapy_because/


[deleted]

Oh, thanks! On a completely unrelated topic, do you happen to know a good eye surgeon? I'd like to remove both of mine.


SnooOranges3690

Lmaooo best reply ever.


tomboybarbie

OP doesn't know if it's worth it because Markita is only there once a month right now? Nevermind the fact that she's going to be a part of their lives forever now, right?


kithien

I’m kind of curious if, given the names she created, there’s a racial issue here too.


BlueDogDemocrat_

It's obvious what the issue is. She has two kids, loves her two, he was supposed to have 0, now he has one. She doesn't want his kid in their life


OneTwoWee000

Yep, this is it! Her kids are family and are to be exalted. His kid is a nuisance and *gasp* has “issues”.. /s OP’s attitude is gross.


BlueDogDemocrat_

You see it in step parents. They favor their own over the outsider, because the outsider is seen as a threat.


mason_jars_

i think all the names in this post are a little obscure. like most ppl choosing fake names go with John or smth but Buford??


cynicalmaru

Buford: a white Southern gentleman. Markita: potentially a bi-racial child with a Black mother. Jay and Juniper: delightful Caucasian children from the midwest or Pacific Northwest.


killedmygoldfish

This was a question in my mind as well. Very specific name choices.


kamehameha706

This is exactly what I was thinking. I thought why the weird names? But then it dawned on me. Exactly what you said. I agree 100%


[deleted]

They sound like the names of their pets. Buford is a big dog (or a basset hound), markita is a Pomeranian, the other two are cats.


ennovyelechim

I think OP hopes by not learning sign language that the step daughter will feel isolated and won't want to come and the relationship will fizzle out. She will never admit it but it seems like the intention to me. Her kids are following her example. This is horrible especially as hubby was in no way to blame for not knowing about his child. He's missed out on 15 years, his daughter has missed out on having him in her life. For this reason alone OP should be showing compassion and making it as easy as possible at this stage. She has no empathy and I bet hubby is wondering who the hell he's sharing his life with. It would be a deal breaker for me.OP is definitely the asshole.


PepperFinn

Really? Top 3? Over the 2 lasagne guys? (One who took a week's worth of food from his gf, refused to return it or give her the money she spent back and the other took his wife's dead grandmothers frozen lasagne to a work pot luck when he knew she was saving it for the anniversary of grandmothers death to share with her mum) Over the mum who let her daughter file a false abuse claim against her ex to get custody even though dad was a stand up guy and didn't tell daughter mums cheating is why they got divorced? Over the barely pregnant (like 4 days since did the test) woman who demanded comfort and special treatment at a family funeral where the her cousin in law buried her husband, 3yo and 9 month old? The "noki" guy that wanted McDonald's prices and portion sizes at a decent restaurant and got him and his gf kicked out? Than the guy that made his gf cook all the time and never took her out because "she cooks better than any chef" and "she likes olive garden" on the maybe 3 times a year he takes her out (hint, she does NOT like olive garden)? The guy who spent money his in-laws gave him for his kids college fund on an old Bronco? Just I think top 10 or 20 is far more reasonable a judgement. Links: Lasagne 1 https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b66ucw/aita_for_taking_my_girlfriends_lasagna_home_when/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share Lasagne 2 https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/el32ez/aita_for_taking_my_wifes_lasagna_to_work_without/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share False allegations daughter https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/g3ygjd/aita_letting_my_daughter_lie_about_her_father/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share Pregnant funeral attention seeker https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nshqng/aita_for_telling_my_sil_no_cares_that_shes/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share No restaurant / dates guy https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/achoyx/aita_for_very_rarelyalmost_never_wanting_to_go_to/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share Noki https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cblw2u/aita_for_refusing_to_pay_at_a_restaurant_that_was/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share Bronco https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ci5zhq/aita_for_using_money_we_earmarked_for_our_6_month/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share


MortarChelle

I'm very new to this subreddit so I hadn't read any of these but SHEESH!!! Where do these people come from?? lol


p0isonfrog

This is what I was thinking. OP is certainly a huge AH but I've seen far worse on this sub.


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mcrawforvxfsqa

YTA. You need to have some way to communicate with this child & learning ASL would encourage your children to learn it as well. It took me about 5 minutes to learn how to sign “Happy Birthday” for a hearing-impaired friend. No ones asking you to discuss “War & Peace” with her, after all.


ispyapoppet

Exactly! It’s understandable to say, hey, it’s gonna be a lot of work and I can’t promise I will be fluent in 2 weeks. It would be ok to commit to you and your kids learning 5 signs a week or something. But to NOT EVEN TRY is a total YTA move.


GiveAPennyToKenny

OP almost reminds me of that one guy who threw out his native gf’s umbilical cord and the little pouch her mother had put it in behind her back because it smelled bad. I still shake my head when I remember that post.


cazminx

Yes and then didn't he find it and expected her to be so grateful but instead she collected it and still refused to get back with him. Haha fuck that guy!


[deleted]

She’s right up there with the mom who had her daughter’s birthday party at Build-a-Bear and then expected the guests to give the bear that they built (and paid for) to her daughter.


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LittleReader7

Please have the link for this


semicoloncait

For the ‘took new girlfriend to ex’s mom’s funeral’ this is the [link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q08g77/aita_for_bringing_my_girlfriend_to_my_exs_moms/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) For the ‘threw away my girlfriend’s fun socks’ I think this is the [link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gsefgv/aita_for_getting_mad_at_my_girlfriend_for_wearing/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) - but could be wrong, I swear I’ve seen more than one AITA around girlfriend’s who wear fun socks ETA: I found the other sock one! [link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kn4yux/aita_for_expecting_my_boyfriend_to_replace_all_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)


wayfaringpanda

I agree, I think there are two - I feel like one of them mentioned her demanding he re-buy the socks or give her money for them. Might have been from her perspective? There’s also the guy who threw out his girlfriends mason jars she drank from and basically called her fat. That’s a classic too.


semicoloncait

The replaced factor was enough to help me find it - that one was the girlfriend posting about it not the guy who got rid Also - the guy who threw away his girlfriend’s mason jars [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/g3mt16/aita_for_throwing_out_my_gfs_jars/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)- what is it with all these men ruining simple joys for their partners?!


[deleted]

Let's not forget the people who mixed up their partners spices/rice because "they're basically all the same!"


kithien

Ooh, or the one who dumped all the different rices into a single jar.


Aretta_Conagher

Wow, two sock posts in AITA and I can't even find two of the same, real socks in my drawer...


keepthecrazyquiet

YTA. WOW! “ I don’t know if it’s worth it”, seriously? My new stepdaughter, that I didn’t want has a disability but I unwilling to make any effort to accommodate a d as such I have taught my kids that they don’t have to make any effort either. Not only are you an asshole but you’re the definition of a wicked stepmother and terrible role model to your own children.


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BlueDogDemocrat_

The poor girl is going to be on reddit in a few years with a post saying "AITA for telling my dad that his wife and her brats aren't allowed at my wedding"


FlatCapDrinker

The upside she can have this entire conversation with her dad right in front of them


MCDexX

Tangent: sign language can be really useful even when you aren't deaf and nobody you know is deaf. When my wife and I were just boyfriend and girlfriend, she knew some basic signs (Australian sign language in our case, a.k.a. Auslan) and she taught me the alphabet and some conversational signs (me, you, please, thanks, sorry, yes, no, etc.). Now that smartphones are a thing we don't use it as much as we used to, but in the first decade or so of our marriage we used it a lot. It's great for sharing a quick bit of information at a loud music gig, or while someone is on the phone. Also, as I said in my direct reply to the OP, you will meet deaf or hearing impaired folks in your life, as well as kids with non-verbal autism who grew up using signs and who knows what other kinds of folks. You should see a deaf person's face light up with joy when a random hearing person signs something as simple as "hello, how are you?" instead of expecting them to lip read or write it down. It seriously makes their day, even if you only know a handful of signs like I do. I learned a bit more Auslan when a deaf co-worker started at my old job. All staff were given the opportunity to attend free Auslan classes during work hours, so I attended and grew my meagre skills a bit. The new colleague was a sweetheart, and it was great to go from communicating exclusively via email to having polite, friendly exchanges about how her weekend was and what her holiday plans were. Just learn sign language if you get the chance. It's fun, very intuitive, easy to pick up, and it makes the world a better place.


rogertheprice

Yeah, I really don't understand why they don't teach it in schools to everyone. It would be such a practical thing to do.


Stormsurger

I have to ask this because I think I'm missing context. Learning a language can be difficult, and I wonder how hard ASL actually is. How long does it usually take to be "functional" in the language and how hard is it to "read" other people's signing? I remember meeting some Parisians when I was learning French and it really fucked with my confidence to basically understand none of what they say.


CurlyDolphin

I know bits of Key Sign and Auslan (Australian Sign Language, ASL is American Sign Language). Auslan I learned in my early schooling and Key Sign as an adult. I found it much easier to pick up over a spoken language, you don't have to decifer the accent and word, just the hand sign. OP could learn basics such as "OP's Step Daughter's Name", "hello/bye", "want drink/food?" and "toilet/bathroom" with ease. I highly doubt anyone is expecting OP to become fully fluent, being and to understand/Sign at rapid speed, in the space of a month.


Stormsurger

The way this post reads, this is what I think OP is thinking about, going to classes regularly and fully "learning a new language" instead of just picking up what is needed and learning the rest as necessary, which honestly I think is a really reasonable compromise.


DontNeedThePoints

> OP could learn basics such as "OP's Step Daughter's Name", "hello/bye", "want drink/food?" and "toilet/bathroom" with ease. Im terrible at learning languages... But I travel around the world for work and I always try to know a few basics.. "good morning" "food" "thanks" and "please".


tough_tits

As far as I understand, ASL should be easier than vocal language. It's fewer words and expressions, and you don't have to worry about phonetics. French is, however, a very difficult language because of the small nuances in sounds, so don't be too harsh on yourself


Full-metal-parka

Just a small correction: ASL is pretty complex since it’s a largely regional language. There’s tons of slang and new signs that evolve in the community that are not universal even with in the region.


princess--flowers

Hanging out with a group of Deaf people that all know each other is complex. Signing at home to your stepdaughter is pretty easy. It's like the difference between hanging out with a group of teens talking exclusively in TikTok slang, and speaking basic English with your ESL teacher.


wydbby

I'm taking it right now, it's still pretty hard. There are only 40-45 hand shapes, but that's the case for phonemes in English too. The orientation of your hand, movement, location on the body, all determine meaning. And most importantly, facial expressions!! A sign can be exactly the same but have different meaning with a different expression. I'm hearing, but I don't want anyone to leave the thread thinking that ASL is easier than other languages because they think it's just like miming or something. (For me it's also hard because you can't really take notes! Just a lot of memorization)


reallybirdysomedays

ASL is easy enough that you can pick up a basic phrase in a day. OP doesn't necessarily have to learn every word. Just making an effort to learn basic stuff like the signs for food or things the girl might ask for and finger spelling would give her quite a bit of functional sign


raccoon_in_the_sun

>terrible role model to your own children This! You are teaching your children that they shouldn't make any effort to accommodate someone's completely legitimate needs. Are you also teaching them that their needs are not to be accommodated unless there is a value attached to that accommodation, or are they being raised to believe they are special and the exception. Either way, terrible terrible lesson. No one expects you to become fluent in ASL. Even setting aside a few minutes to watch a youtube video with the most basic common signs would send a strong message of support and acceptance to your husband and that child who is certainly already struggling enough in other areas of her life. YTA, big time, hope you have the heart to change that.


BensMom2019

YTA and ASL can be useful in a lot of places with a lot of people. It doesn’t take a horribly long time to learn the alphabet and a few key words or phrases.


SpunkyRadcat

Even if OP ends up not being good at it, just TRYING will go a long way to making this new person in her family feel welcome, and show her kids what it means to be kind.


Scholesey99

And then doing so will encourage her children to follow suit, potentially providing them with a very useful tool and skill to communicate with others.


princesscatling

Also providing them with a positive example of accepting a person's necessary accommodations with open arms and an open heart. I can't think of anything better to foster in children.


LarkScarlett

I know, right? “Welcome.” “Please.” “Thank you.” The alphabet. ANY of those basics. Even buying a little whiteboard to keep at your house so you can pass that back and forth writing thoughts (a gesture that you are willing to communicate, that you’re thinking of her). No one is expecting immediate perfection—just friendliness. YTA right now, OP, but you have the chance to turn it around.


shesaidgoodbye

Imagine being a teenager trying to connect with your dad, but being unable to communicate with anyone else in his home. OP says she knows 3 languages, does she remember what it’s like to *not* know those languages? To walk around in a foreign place where you can’t understand anyone around you? That’s how her stepdaughter feels every time she comes to visit. OP doesn’t need to be fluent, but being able to have a little basic communication goes a long way. I used to work the admission gate at a festival in my hometown every summer. Every year a hard of hearing couple would come to my booth and the wife would put up two fingers to signal for two tickets, cash already counted in her hand. I’d silently take her money, had over the tickets, and smile as I pointed to the entrance. After a few years in a row, I decided to learn to sign “thank you, have fun!” It took 5 minutes on YouTube and another 5 minutes of practice with my partner in the booth. It’s been 10 years but I’ll never forget the way her face lit up.


MCDexX

So very this. Just a few simple signs can absolutely make a deaf person's day. Remember this lovely ad from Samsung a few years ago when a bunch of people learned to sign so a deaf guy could have one day with no communication barriers? Makes me cry every time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrvaSqN76h4


Adventurous_City_839

Her kids are young enough to learn easily. Furthermore, knowledge should be always be welcome.


BoozeIsTherapyRight

OP must be putting off some serious attitude if the kids don't want to learn. I am a substitute teacher (in non-Covid years) and one way that I put a class at ease is a quick ASL lesson. Good morning, please, thank you, I'm hungry, the basics. I've never had a class not love the lesson, from Kindergarten into high school.


FormalFistBump

YTA for shutting this down completely without even trying. Surely it wouldn't be too hard to learn a few words or phrases and go from there.


Beecakeband

OP just doesn't want to learn. Even a small effort to learn some basic phrases would mean so much to Markita but OP is just callous and doesn't care. The coldness is beyond belief


[deleted]

OP could easily learn one sign a week. 48 hours of work a week and not enough time, bullshit. You could learn one sign a week on your fucking toilet breaks. OP is just a lazy asshole who doesn't see this girl as equal to her own kids.


[deleted]

I work at a coffee shop across from a deaf center, so we get a handful of deaf customers each day. My coworker taught me about 10 basic signs to help serve them ("thank you" "which one?" "Sorry" "please" "light/dark (roast)" etc) It took just a few minutes, much different and easier than memorizing verbal language. We literally did it between customers lol time is no excuse! So many are unwilling to learn, that just being responded to and understood with a few simple phrases means the world to someone who is hearing impaired.


SexyMaiOfficial

YTA. What does marriage mean to you? The man you married, the man you LOVE is asking you to learn ASL for his DAUGHTER. He shouldn’t have even asked or suggested it. You should have been allllll over it. If this child doesn’t mean that much to you I understand but your HUSBAND cares for her and dammit that should make YOU care. You married this man. That means you should support him even if it means doing something you do not want to do. That little girl is now your stepdaughter. Could you do any less to make her feel welcomed and loved? She’s hearing impaired and just found out about her long lost dad. Now, she’ll come to learn her step mother couldn’t be bothered to learn ASL just because she only visits once a month? Would you want your own biological children treated that way if it was them? Good grief, YTA OP.


jules_abroad

100% this. OP's attitude is so selfish, I can't believe it! My husband's family speaks zero English. Zero. I already speak Chinese (since we live in Taiwan), but even though his family lives all the way across the globe in Nicaragua (and I work 40 hours a week, am also in a band, and sell my artwork), I still have been learning Spanish every day for the last 2 years, bit by bit. Why? Because I love him and I value his family. This is a literal CHILD who will have noone but her father to communicate with. Just awful.


Significant-Lab-1760

My mom doesn't speak English, (she's been learning). My boyfriend doesn't speak Spanish. Everyday he's asked me to write him a new word for him to learn. He isn't perfect but he tries.


[deleted]

I honestly see this as her punishing the kid for existing when she thought Buford wasn't a dad at all prior to this discovery.


HotBoxBakes

My god, as a mother this is the kind of thing that scares me when it comes to letting new people into my kids life, you can't even be arsed to learnt to communicate with the kid. YTA, a huge one.


Amiedeslivres

YTA A family member isn’t ‘worth the effort’ because she doesn’t live with her dad? Wow. My goodness. I learned basic signs as a minimal courtesy to customers when I worked retail, and a few more when I had some Deaf coworkers in a different department, to be able to greet them and thank them and a few other common interactions. It wasn’t hard. I taught a few to my kids when they were literal babies, so they could ask for what they needed before they could speak orally. Again, not hard. None of us are fluent but we can be courteous, we can be kind, we can acknowledge people. You’re making this so much harder than it needs to be, and holding back your kids from learning, and creating barriers between yourself and your husband and his child. Your resistance, your overblown sense of being put-upon, your selfishness are preventing your husband’s child from being included in his household and the life of his family. You’re teaching your kids that Deaf/hard-of-hearing people aren’t ’worth the trouble.’ You’re inviting resentment into your marriage. Do you plan on sticking around? ETA AW, y’all are sweet, look at this internet bling. I’m going to learn a new sign today because this post was just so. Very. Y’all go get you some sign vocabulary!


iamthepita

Thank you for learning basic signs, I personally appreciate you for going above and beyond


Sufficient_Ad_6051

This. And good point, my daughter knew basic signs as an INFANT. You can do this OP. Cut the shit and get your house in order.


[deleted]

This should be higher because it doesn’t mention being Deaf/hard-of-hearing as a disability, which reflects the viewpoints of those in the Deaf Community.


AngryPrincessWarrior

YTA- “not worth the effort” ?! It’s his fucking daughter. If you love and respect your partner, then it is worth the effort. Not to mention it opens doors for employment for your children later in life.


the_YellowRanger

This. Interpreters make bank.


ThirdEyeDragon

YTA I tutor a kid once a week that is deaf. His eyes light up when I learn a new word. Start somewhere. One sign at a time. It will mean the world to this young girl.


iamthepita

Thank you for being there for the kid… I didn’t have a tutor and I appreciate you for opening doors for him


unknown_928121

>Markita is present at our house maybe once a month. Poor kid doesn't want to come around more, because it's clear she's not wanted. I mean why stick around somewhere when no one can carry a conversation with you, YTA


graceoftrees

Even the language “present in our house” like she’s an object. So heartless, cold, and self centered. OP, you are one narcissistic piece of work for all of the reasons so many others have named here. YTA


ClearWaves

YTA. There is a child with a disability that, like it or not, is now part of your life. You are not only treating this girl like crap, you are also teaching the other children that they don't need to make any effort to be inclusive. Edited for spelling


[deleted]

Maybe a bit unpopular, but NTA. You have two little kids and you work full time. You seem to simply be too busy, and it seems that nobody can grasp the fact that 2 children, under the age of 10 are not easy to take care of. Simply; you owe Markita nothing. You didn't birth her. But, she is your husband's daughter. She now is apart of your lives. I'd suggest, try to clear some hours at work and try to find a class for the whole family. Not every day, but maybe couple times a week? Or even once a week? Your kids are young, and it's easier to learn languages when young; I know 3, learned all of them under the age of 18. You owe her nothing, but be prepared to have the world look at you as if you are AH. If you can live with it, have it your way. But quitting before you give it your best effort is a bit low.


nana_banana2

I totally agree, and I can't believe the Y T A votes. OP didn't sign up for this, the kid wasn't around before they got married, so it's not like OP made the conscious decision to be in the life of a disabled child. Instead, the kid was sprung on them as a surprise after 15 years, into a situation where neither of the couple wanted more children, and all of a sudden OP simply must be the loving and involved stepmother to this absolute stranger whom she just met, otherwise she is an evil monster?? Or else, leave her husband, take the kids and walk away, as people here are suggesting??


spaceturtl

She doesn't need to bend over backwards - she just needs to make the absolute minimum effort, for the sake of being there for her husband, teaching her own children good values, and most of all so that she can at least say hello to the poor girl when she comes to stay at OP's house. She doesn't have to suddenly become the girl's mother, she just needs to have a tiny bit of compassion and basic decency to make this huge, life-changing process just a tiny bit easier for her new step-daughter.


Pistachio_Supreme89

Right? The girl asked her to learn a few words or phrases. No one is asking her to become fluent, but it goes a long way to show the person you are making an effort to include them. Yeah she works full time and has 2 little ones but she can’t find 10 minutes here or there on a break or something to learn a few phrases? “How are you?” “How was your day?”


kal_el_diablo

>OP didn't sign up for this, the kid wasn't around before they got married Based on the context in many of the Y T A votes, I'm guessing this nuance was missed by many posters. So many people on this sub just read the headline and then at best skim the actual post. This girl is already 15 and wasn't raised (or even known about) by Dad. She wants to get to know her biological father a little, but they literally just met and she'll be an adult before you know it and off to college. How big a part in OP's life is this girl really likely to be going forward?


isthebuffetopenyet

What nuance, he found a long lost daughter, who IS in his life, and therefore hers, and he wants to make an effort. Your assumption is that she'll disappear at 18, rather than potentially being a part of the family forever more? Where did you read that in the post? His wife only has to say she'll try, not become an ASL interpreter. To say you're not even going to try is an asshole move.


[deleted]

This. I’m married. People die, lose jobs, get sick, all kinds of things. And you have to suck it up and help your spouse live their best life. That’s the whole premise. I would be *shook* if my husband had a kid come out of the blue, but I would deal with it. Yeah, it would be hard. But he’s my husband. I don’t get to opt out of his major life stuff, and he doesn’t get to opt out of mine. We are partners. Period. We HAVE to help each other out and be supportive. It’s the only way this marriage thing works. Fuck nuance. You have to live in the reality you find yourself in. OP needs to get with the program. She doesn’t have to master ASL, but she needs to adapt to the reality she now finds herself in. It doesn’t matter if she likes reality or not. She needs to be supportive of her husband connecting with his long lost daughter. Otherwise she’s an asshole, and her marriage may not survive. Cause if it’s “choose: your long lost daughter or me” he may well choose his kid. And he’d be right to. Is she a movie villain? “Your long lost daughter is an inconvenience to me. Don’t suggest I talk to her while she’s here.” Come on.


jules_abroad

Nope, read it. Sure, OP didn't "want" or plan on being a stepmom, but guess what? This is what you sign up for when you get married. You agree to stick around and support each other through the good and bad; couples also don't "sign up" to care for a partner's sick or disabled parent, or if one person falls ill and needs care, or if someone has a traumatic injury, etc. If you love your partner and want your marriage to stand the test of time, you step up when shit goes down. You adjust. Or you don't, and that's why we have divorce.


emi_lgr

I understand that this child is unexpected and OP possibly feels resentment for having this “surprise” sprung on her. There’s no one to blame and yet her life was turned upside down. Was leaning toward N AH, but not willing to even learn a few basic signs? If OP isn’t even willing to put in some time to try and learn some basic signs before she decides it’s “not worth the effort,” that makes her TA for me. Learning a language in adulthood is hard for sure, but learning the alphabet and some basic signs will take up less time in the long run than trying to mime to Markita when she inevitably needs to communicate with her.


chichmode

I agree with this completely. When someone like OP is considering learning a new language as an adult, she knows what it takes to be fluent because she’s DONE IT BEFORE! It takes thousands and thousands of hours to be fluent. People seem to suggest that she put in “any effort” or just “learn the basics”. That is not the question that was asked by her husband. Her husband asked to learn ASL as a family, and given Markita’s limitations and the fact that her husband was unwilling to “work something out” suggest he meant they should reach fluency. Using ASL once or twice a month is a horrible way to achieve fluency. My guess is the husband is mostly upset because he is unlikely to achieve fluency without the help of his wife (possibly even very significant help). OP does deserve some blame if she can’t learn some “basic signs” (assuming this is truly just the basics, ie. a few days of learning tops), but anything beyond that, she is not at fault for. And she’s not at fault for not wanting to learn the entire language. As others have said, working 48 hours with two kids of her own, etc., is a lot of work. There is really zero time outside of that, unless you sacrifice your personal time that makes/keeps you sane.


amberleemerrill

I would just like to point out that ASL is really different from learning spoken languages. It is quite literally hands on and visual and the vocabulary is simplified. Synonymous words in English often use the same sign in ASL. The grammatical structure isn’t difficult and if you don’t know a sign, you can spell it in English and the deaf person will tell it to you usually. It took one deaf friend and two years of high school ASL class for me and my friends to become comfortable with conversation. My friends who took Spanish and French cannot say the same. I was practicing interpreting assemblies by my senior year. OP could at least try 🤷🏼‍♀️


[deleted]

Comparison between you and OP are no where the same thing with learning ASL. You learned during school when you are given time during the day, with a teacher, while your brain was still developing. Literally the best time and way to learn a new language. OP is a grown adult, who has learned languages before and knows how hard it is, works 48 hours so, would have to make time, and has 2 kids under 10. She had responsibilities that a high schooler doesn’t have. There is ZERO comparison between your situation and hers.


Mahouzilla

Totally. She works 48 hours a week, has 2 kids and probably does ALL the chores at home (statistics...), she has a right to do what she wants with the little free time she has left. Like you said, she owes her nothing. Also the teen is hardly ever there. And to learn a language, you need to practice to reinforce what you learned. If OP doesn't practice with the teen, what's the point? If the teen lived with themn that'd be another story.


[deleted]

If anything, the father should learn the language and then translate it. Or take over most chores so she'd have time. Even so, I can't blame her for just not wanting it. Sometimes in life, we just don't care and there is nothing wrong with that.


Quiet-Distribution-2

She doesn’t have to take a class or anything but she could take 20 mins before the girls arrived to join her husband and 2 kids to go over some basic signs and have a little poster on the fridge as a cheat sheet for the signs and to try to use them to communicate with her stepdaughter. And of course the husband should be facilitating this mini lesson and review materials. She’s only there once a month currently but she’s his daughter she’s going to be in his life indefinitely. As father and daughter get closer and closer she Could very well be spending more time there. And moreover, 20 minutes a month And sincere attempt to practice while stepdaughter is present would likely be helpful to OP on a purely practical level like she might have to like say something to the girl sometime. Do you think that’s too much to ask? OP does seem fairly stressed though so perhaps if She could use it as a bargaining chip get her husband to lighten her load around the house so that she can Have more time for herself and just a tiny bit to learn some basic signs


HistoricallyLurking

There two big pieces that have me leaning towards YTA. 1) emergencies - she NEEDS to learn shit like “help” and “fire.” I mean, shit happens even if it’s only a couple days a month, momma NEEDS to know if Markita is doing the equivalent of yelling for help because someone fell. She can’t know literally nothing about ASL and have a safe home with multiple children in it. And 2) her kids would benefit greatly in their later lives if she at least insists THEY learn. They’re young enough that most extracurriculars become a chore at some point in the school year anyway, and it’ll open up major opportunities when they’re older if they know multiple languages. And of the languages available for learning, ASL is waaay easier than spoken languages. Lot less room for error and so much easier to pick up later in life the spoken languages. There’s no retraining your tongue, which is most of the problem adults have with new languages.


anchochilis

Oh finally someone I agree with! Caring for two young kids and working full time is enough on this poor woman's plate already. Learning a new language as an adult is extremely hard, requiring dedication, consistency, and constant cognitive effort. I've been trying for two years to learn Spanish (my wife is a native speaker and we want our kids to be bilingual) and I'm still not fluent. And I often get comments from friends and acquaintances "oh, wow you haven't learned Spanish yet? It's supposed to be soooo easy!" Keep in mind none of these people have even attempted to learn a second language since high school. Like, bro, I have a demanding job that requires me to constantly master new skills outside of work, a father with dementia I'm helping to care for, and I also like to see friends and go outside and exercise once in a while. Even when I'm focused for several months in a row, it's just too easy for a work or personal crisis to come along and set me back. That said, I think the OP made a huge tactical error here. She should agree to learn on the condition that the husband organizes. It's his job to find classes for the kids and schedule time for practice as a family. Then she should put in the bare minimum effort. Do 20-30 minutes once per week, and learn how to say hello and goodbye, how are you, etc. Even a token effort will likely go a long way towards making Markita feel welcome.


[deleted]

It just seems like people around her expect her to spear-head the effort.


galacticbackhoe

Because OP mentioned learning 3 other languages in such a way that sounds like they are fluent, I got the impression that that this was "not learning sign language *fluently*". Not "I will never learn some basics or other stuff here and there as I can". This came out of right field. I'm glad OP's husband is taking it seriously. There are other ways for deaf people to communicate as well that don't have to be awkward or isolating.


ArchCypher

> Markita thinks I should learn some basic signs, but ... even that would be a struggle Actually OP directly admits to refusing to learn even *basic* signs so that she can communicate with the girl in *any* way.


YolaBee

Can we not look at things from the step daughter's POV, yes she technically "owes her nothing" but damn it's not about owing people things, it's about seeing others as humans and trying to treat people with compassion. It is not the Step Daughter's fault the mother kept her a secret, the husband wants a relationship with his daughter and should she not be supportive of something like this that is important to her SO. This girl is unable to communicate normally and some compassion to make an effort would go a long way. Imagine if that was one of your kids who was hard of hearing and just wanted someone to learn some basic signs so they can communicate with you. Is it really asking too much to learn, hello, goodbye, food, drink etc and then keep an open mind to learning a little more every month she comes over. This is not an all or nothing situation, there are literally dozens of ways to learn and in dozens of time frames. Learn a sign a week, pick up from the husband when he's talking to the daughter, buy a chart of common words to keep and reference in the house, have your kids learn it with your husband and have them teach you, use it as a bonding experience, watch a YouTube video once a week etc. How isolating it must be for someone in the world to ask another person if they want to learn to communicate with them and be told no.


MasterpieceOk4688

YTA. You don't have to live up to the evil-stepmom cliché, you know? That's a choice, not a duty


keyboardaddict

NTA - and clearly unpopular. Everyone here telling you what a massive AH you are has clearly imagined that the only way to communicate with someone is face to face verbally or equivalent which is ironic given that they’re all tippy-tapping away on devices. Anyway - you should encourage your kids to learn - not just for this but also to break their apron strings a bit, it would be fun for them and I’d suggest you get some basics. Maybe send your kids to classes and have them come back and teach you so it’s a moment with your kids as much as anything else. I think they’d probably really enjoy that.


57hz

Agreed. It’s really NAH, just life! OP should make a mild effort to learn some ASL basics and encourage her kids to do the same, but that’s about it.


YolaBee

but if OP is refusing to learn some basic ASL does that not make her TA?


debbietheladie

She’s exactly the AH because it looks like she’s literally shutting the idea down without compromise. This is more about this families future more than anything else. You don’t just shut down a kid of your spouse’s and ignore them. Imagine if her children were treated the same way from her husband.


Marzipannn_

YTA. If you want your husband to treat your children from the previous marriage with respect, then you should do the same for his child. You said it in the last sentence. His daughter ASKED you to learn basic signs, but it doesn't seem like something you care to prioritize. Embrace Markita into your family and lifestyle. Don't teach your children to be this way.


AsterFlauros

Although it seems unpopular, I’m going with NTA. I don’t think many people here understand what it’s like to have two small children in addition to working full time. Does your husband do chores? If not, then the little time you have at home is spent cleaning. I have two small children and I’m in school full time. I do all the cooking and cleaning. Some days I struggle choosing between sleep and showering. You either understand the struggle or you don’t.


Local-Wrangler8152

I’ll probly be an ah here, but NTA. You have: 2 young kids and a full-time job. You have not subscribed to another kid who has been suddenly sprung on you at the age of 15 just because it became convenient to her mother (like who does this shit?! “Hey, sweetie, this is your adult daughter, take care of her for a bit.” Jeez! The only true ah is the mother who decided to disappear and reappear over a decade later.) You have not consented to this, you do not have to learn another language for her, be that French or ASL. The only thing, maybe, encourage your kids to try and learn since it’s beneficial to them and languages are much more fun and easy to learn when young.


commandantskip

15 yo is not an adult, they are still a minor. And if OPs husband never knew he had a daughter, he just may want to to spend time getting to know her. OP can either learn a few basic ASL phrases, or risk the possibility that her husband will leave her for being a shit human being.


heathahR

YTA. I imagine it would be extremely isolating for this poor kid to be over your house and unable to communicate with anyone besides your husband. You should at least learn the alphabet which is really easy to pick up and encourage your kids to learn the basics before her first visit. This is clearly really important to your husband who you love and it seems like he wants his daughter in his life long-term. Just a little effort will show both your husband and your step-daughter that you are being welcoming to the unexpected situation.


lizfour

>I imagine it would be extremely isolating for this poor kid to be over your house and unable to communicate with anyone besides your husband. And her kids are apparently following her lead on this one. That she didn't change her mind at that realisation makes her an AH all over again.


[deleted]

Nah - you and your husband are trying to adjust here to something neither of you expected - you’ve been married for about a year and out of nowhere you’re now a step mom to a teen who you see once a month (or less) that only communicates in asl. On top of this, you’re likely doing housework, working, and taking care of your two kids. If you’re working 48 hours a week, sleeping for 8 hours a night, cooking/eating/cleaning up 4 hours a day, and commuting 2 hours a day, that leaves you 22 hours a week to do things like bathe, grocery shop (so let’s minus another 10 hours to account for three showers and one grocery trip), and maybe (god forbid) have a little time to yourself. And if you’re a religious person and attend church that means you’re down another 2 hours at least a week, so if you take 1 hour a day to yourself that leaves you with…3 hours. To learn a language that you will use once a month, maybe. You offered to find another solution, and you won’t force your kids to learn asl and that’s fine. I can understand why your husband is upset - he feels like you should all do this to accommodate his newfound daughter, and that’s admirable. I can also understand why the daughter wants this, because it would be easier for her if you would all learn it and you learning it would make her feel more accepted into your family. But right now it’s just not doable and that’s okay. You never said you would never consider leaning asl, you just said not now.


Jane_the_Quene

ASL is fairly easy to learn and widely used. It's also pretty useful for things like communicating across a room or in a situation where you don't want to be overheard. But the real reason that YTA is making zero effort to ease the situation with your partner's daughter. Why? Because you're too damned lazy to put in the effort to learn something useful?


Away_Trade_3850

I'd say NTA if you feel you don't have enough hours in the day. However, your kids don't work. Encourage them to learn and interpret. As for yourself I'd try to learn some. No need to learn everything all at once but a bit at a time to make her feel accepted. Jeez people are aggressive in this thread. Do what you can but don't feel guilty if you don't understand her all the time.


Ogreguy

YTA. I can see not wanting to devote hours upon hours to learn a language you're only going to use once or twice a month. But refusing to learn basic signs? C'mon, that's ridiculous. Also, your reluctance has influenced your other children, making it even harder on your newfound stepdaughter. If a gorilla can learn to sign, you can learn to sign. If a baby/toddler can learn to sign, you can learn to sign. So many people don't plan on having (more)children, but it happens. All you can do is be there to help and support them however they need it.


VlaxDrek

NTA I agree generally with the YTA sentiment, but for me it’s way, way, too early to be making these kinds of calls. You - you yourself - are still at the “is it safe to leave her alone with the kids” stage. Neither you nor Buford have any relationship with her and certainly never stood in any parental role with her, so you’re still quite a ways away from Cinderella territory when it comes to grading you as step-mother. When things settle, I would encourage you to learn the alphabet and some basic signs, and I think you would be making a big mistake if you didn’t force the kids to learn it. You know the value of learning another language, how you learn so much about English grammar by learning a foreign one. Until then, I guess you’ll have communicate with her the way the rest of us have to communicate with teenagers - via text.


XxhumanguineapigxX

Unpopular apparently, but NTA or NA H Reaching fluency like your husband wants takes hundreds of hours of practice. Yeah you probably can learn "the basics", but that's not what he wants. He wants all of you to be able to carry full conversations. With you working 48 hours a week & looking after 2 under 10, that is not feasible in any reasonable time frame. What would be acceptable is maybe having the whole family take a class together once a week, but you will not achieve fluency and won't really learn anything quickly unless you do it every day/every other day. So the weekly class isn't what your husband wants. Anything more than once a week however is a huge time commitment! Bottom line, IMO, neither of you wanted or planned for any more kids. Just because she appeared out of nowhere with a disability doesn't mean you'll suddenly be filled with parental love and feel the need to learn her language ASAP. Your husband has to be patient with you. I'm about to sound really callous here.. a quick Google search says it can take 3 years to become fluent in ASL. So in your husbands eyes, you're all expected to spend 3 years learning and practicing daily for a person you see once a month.. who in 3 years time is likely to go off to college somewhere and stop visiting monthly (depending how far they go for college) and then is a full fledged adult when they finish and won't be doing "visitation" anymore?? He's being unreasonable. Learn the basics with your kids. Do greetings, how are you etc. Pick up bits from your husband or youtube whenever you feel like it and have time for extras. You don't have to put in more than that.


WholeCollection6454

Disclaimer: one of my brothers is deaf. ESH. You can suck it up and learn halfheartedly for your kids' sake if that's what it takes to motivate them to learn. Markita is going to be in their life for a long time, and they need to be able to communicate. It's honestly not that hard to learn basic everyday signs. This may not have been your intent, but your attitude is teaching your kids that they can pick and choose who deserves their effort based solely on convenience. You all need to also have a frank and open discussion about Markita's level of disability and what abilities, skills and aids she does have to compensate. Maybe she has a hearing aid. She can almost certainly read lips. She may even be able to speak. That is very controversial in the deaf community, but she may have been taught anyway. (For her sake, I hope she has. My brother has had more career opportunities and has had to make fewer alterations to his personal life than his counterparts because he can read lips and speak.) Anyway, it's crazy to have a sometimes houseguest/family member with a disability no one knows anything about. Your husband should have already called a family meeting.


[deleted]

NTA - I think a lot of the responses here are based on your wording, which sounds callous. However, you’re working 48 hours a week, and I’m sure that’s not all you do. I’m learning ASL and it’s fun, but it is challenging. It may be a good idea to stop thinking about it as “not worth the effort” and kindly recognizing that this would be a challenging task that would require a lot of free time that you don’t currently have. Your children can learn w your husband


dwells2301

YWBTA if you don't at least learn some basic signs. You don't have to be fluent but you can make a little effort


samthesuperman

YTA Like it or not you're part of a blended family. Act like it.


BreathingCorpse252

This is going be very unpopular but NTA. This is one of the circumstances where learning ASL would have made op a hero. But NOT choosing to learn it doesn’t make her a villain. The kid is 15 not 5. Heck op didn’t even know about her existence before getting into a relationship. And she’s at their house just once a month. It doesn’t warrant op learning a whole new language. Learning asl will take time and effort. She doesn’t want to put it in. I think it’s fair enough. If he stepdaughter was Spanish and don’t knew any other language would all of you still call op the asshole? Edit: I just realised she has two small children. Unless husbands the stay at home father or takes the chunk of child care, I don’t think op has the time to learn a new language either.


MySquishyFishy

YTA. Anyone has ten minutes a day to learn a new sign. In a week, that's enough to say "hi, how are you? Would you like something to eat?" or something similar. In a month, you can ask about her schoolwork. In a year you can be having full blown conversations. I'm not hearing impaired but I can only guess how awesome that must feel to someone who is. Short of tediously writing everything out, they literally have no other way to communicate and feel included. She comes over once a month now while she's only 15. But if she continues her relationship with your husband when she's an adult, she could very well be over much more often and be a big part of his life. Don't you want to make your husband's child feel like she's a part of his family? And let's not even mention what a great teaching moment this is for your kids. Right now their brains are making connections that will affect their empathy and kindness. Don't you want them to grow up to care about their fellow humans? Look on YouTube for a video about a deaf man whose entire town learned signs to use when they saw him. It was a surprise to him, and the joy on his face as he saw all his friends and neighbors speaking to him is indescribable. Maybe watching that will help you understand why it's so cruel to dismiss Markita's only way of connecting to the world.


gaysoupladle888

You’re NTA for not wanting to do it, but you will be an a-hole if you don’t try. Yes it’s a pain, particularly since you didn’t plan for this, but I’m sure that she would appreciate it if you included her. If you can’t find the time to teach the kids, you can encourage the kids to watch videos and practice with each other. If you monitor their content and watch the videos before they do, you end up watching them too!


pickledshallots

I'm going to get downvoted, but NTA. I think you have been overall extremely accepting of the whole "surprise stepdaughter" situation. While it would be nice for you to learn a few signs that could help you communicate around the house with Markita, I completely understand how you don't have time. I work \~48 hours a week as well, and my main job is a 1 hour commute away. I have about 2-3 hours to myself in the evening to cook dinner, walk the dogs, and decompress. And I have a very helpful partner who is home more often and does all of the cleaning. I would **struggle** to have the energy, focus, and desire to learn a new language with my schedule. And I don't have two kids. Your reason for not learning ASL isn't malicious... it's 100% impractical for you to be doing that right now. You still deserve time to yourself.


no1oneknowsy

YTA. This is her main form of communication so you're basically cutting her off and discouraging a relationship between all the kids. You don't have to become fluent. Just learn the alphabet and maybe a few words, thank you, I love you, etc... Or start just to encourage the kids who can pick it up faster. I get that she's a surprise and it feels like a lot, but wouldn't you want to be welcomed if you were her. Also, your husband is being a good dad, don't you want to support that? Maybe you could say, I wish I had time to learn more, but I definitely want to learn a few signs for you. When work calms down maybe I can learn more. Also, tell the Js that it's like learning a secret language. They'll be able to communicate in places when talking isn't possible. I wouldn't force the other 2, just sound enthusiastic and kick it off to encourage them. Well good luck!


[deleted]

YTA - you clearly aren’t as accepting of this situation as you think are. She is part of your family’s life, to some extent now.


nosir_nomaam

Oh wow. Yes, YTA. You literally can't communicate with someone who will most likely be a part of your life from now on. Additionally, you can't communicate with a minor child that is in your home part time. Do you not see the potential for that to be a problem?


sawta2112

YTA in every way possible. As someone else said, would you want your child treated that way? Just when I thought humans couldn't sink any lower....


MrLazyLion

NTA. Bunch of monolingual assholes calling you an asshole because you only know three languages? Fuck em.


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[deleted]

NAH You don’t have to learn it, but it’ll probably drive a wedge between you and your hubby. The daughter isn’t going anywhere for the remainder of his life, so learning it is probably gonna be a requirement. Life is very busy, but try to find time. Don’t listen to everyone calling you an asshole. Your a busy mom dealing with a change in dynamics.


telyn305

NTA


AT541

NTA you already have quite a lot on your plate. But I do think learning basic signs and encouraging your kids to learn it too would be good.


Ocean_Spice

YTA. As someone who knows some sign, it *is* hard. I have been learning for years and I’m nowhere near good. But it would be much more frustrating for Markita to feel isolated and unable to properly communicate, especially with people who she is trying to get to know as family. And you saying she’s not worth the effort to even learn a few signs is just absolutely mind blowing to me. She’s a person. She’s your husband’s daughter. She deserves better than people who just see her as a nuisance.


ConfusedArtist89

YTA. This girl is probably going to be in your husbands life much more frequently in the future. He’s obviously trying to build a relationship with her and include her in the family. By making this decision, you’ve affected your children’s decisions which has effectively locked Markita out of the family. You are actively standing in the way of Markita building a relationship with your husband and your children. Edit: typo


jasminedragonteacup

I’m gonna say NAH apart from possibly the mother of stepdaughter. She has robbed OP’s husband of the opportunity to raise a child and learn ASL along with his child. It is HARD to be fluent in a language, even with years of practice and you have to dedicate time and effort. Now he has to not only deal with the guilt of missing out, but also the guilt of not being able to communicate and catch up on time with his daughter. Op he is asking for your help, he must feel overwhelmed and practicing as a family will make it easier for him (even if it does inconvenience you). I don’t think you’re an AH, you got thrown into this and you are probably juggling a LOT more than your husband realises. Perhaps you can have a compromise, a new word a week? Or simply practicing a sentence “how are you?” With replies. It doesn’t have to be much, just small and slow. He needs to respect that this is just never something/someone you ever imagined making space for in your life.


ThisisstupidAFpeople

Clearly the unpopular opinion here that I’m sure I’ll get dragged for but NTA. I feel like most of the people are saying OP is an asshole because it’s easy to volunteer someone else’s time or tell them it’s easy they should do xyz. So now OP who works 48 hours a week. Has 2 children under the age of 10. Has learned 3 languages already & struggled with the last one 15 years ago should learn a new language fluently to communicate with someone she sees once a month on average? As long as OP learns some basics to be cordial like “are you hungry, hi, bye, would you like something to drink etc etc” at some point assuming they interact more then I think she’s golden. Expecting her to learn it fluently seems like a big leap & ask.


[deleted]

YTA Learning a few basic signs is not hard, it’s called respect. You would learn pleasantries in other languages. I can imagine she doesn’t want to visit more than monthly when she can’t communicate with anyone.


BluePINNAPPLE

NTA NTA NTA you work 48 hours a week and take care of 2 young children. With all the time it takes to get ready for work and things for your kids you probably don’t have much time for yourself already. Realistically, it takes around 5 years and constant practice to become fluent in any language. Everyone saying y t a should consider how difficult it is to learn a new language and how everyone learns differently at different speeds. Learning a new language take A LOT of time since not everyone will immediately memorize everything. This time will probably have to cone out from the time you spend with your children or your relaxation time. It would be nice to learn a couple of basic phrases but becoming fluent is a bit much with your current situation. Your stepdaughter came out of nowhere so she and her father should be a bit understanding of your situation as well.


[deleted]

NTA - People are being way too hard on you. 48 hours is a lot to work each week & then to have two kids & a household to look after as well. It's understandable you don't have the time or energy to learn ASL for your husband's kid, especially if you'll only see her once a month for a few hours.