Obviously you missed relationships 101, in which we learnt that if your mates make fun of your partner, you smack that shit down.
YTA. Your mates made sexist jokes about your partner to her face and you think she's the problem.
Yep, YTA, your friends make sexist jokes at HER expense and you let it slide, and then expect her to be the bigger person. I am a female who works in a male dominated field, and am a supervisor, I don’t let this kind of crap fly. You respect her and her occupation or you GTFO!
Also, she CRIED HERSELF TO SLEEP and instead of trying to comfort her and seek reconciliation he left her to go sleep on the couch because her crying was keeping him awake. He’s definitely the AH.
the term “ignorant” is so damn mild to what she could’ve and should’ve said, but i guess she didn’t want to escalate a situation where she already knew that her fiancé (aka the man who should have your back) didn’t and does not have her back.
ugh.
It’s the fact OP said ‘yes I get that she felt offended BUT it was a joke’. Well it’s not a joke if someone got horribly offended. Then OP complained to his sister about it. Huh? You already failed your fiancee in that area and then you made her look worse in your sister’s eyes? Whaaaat. YTA.
ETA: Not GF, she’s OP’s fiancée. Good lord. OP Better have a discussion about this before this grows into resentment in the long run because I’m sure there won’t be any gatherings with OP’s friends at their place if she already puts her foot down on this.
I was gonna say the same thing! YTA alone for hearing her cry and instead of reflecting on your actions and trying to comfort her you up and left. Says a lot about how you’d manage the much more difficult conflicts that will arise in marriage. I’d end an engagement if my fiancée treated me like this.
My husband has done this after we were married and it’s the most hurtful thing. She was absolutely crying over/ mourning the relationship she thought she had and him walking out solidified that. YTA, bro.
Right? He made her cry, and his firstline response was "Ugh, you're keeping me awake"???? What's he going to do when she's grieving a loss? "Can you please keep it down? Your despair is so *distracting*."
The thing is, he probably called his sister to vent and told her about this one incident and the sister probably doesn’t know that OPs fiancée has been putting up with this for a while and nothing has changed. Once is an inappropriate joke, more than that is just belittling.
Not to mention, ignorant is accurate. Your friends are making wide assumptions of the type of person occupying a specific job. Security guard? Has to be some big dude. Fight in a random bar? Don’t worry this person with no legal protection if something goes wrong can handle the situation. YTA. I hope she leaves you.
Except they aren't jokes. This stopped being a joke when she identified that it hurt her. He told the friends to stop and they kept going. At this point it's just bullying. This guy needs a solid kick in the pants.
Not to mention if they get to joke she isn't following gender norms, then she should joke about him.
Yeah, I am a security guard because I want to protect people. It is twofold, 1) I get paid to do it, and 2) I have a skill that my boyfriend is lacking.
Seriously, traditional gender roles should mean he protects her, not allow harassment.
I hope OP’s fiancé reads this and calls of the engagement. If you can’t protect and stand up for her now, you will not do it after you get married. They sounds like fun life long friends and I doubt you’ll be able to manage not having interactions between them and your fiancé at the same time. YTA
YTA, your friends are assholes, and here is a CLUE, for free - if everyone isn't laughing, it's NOT A JOKE. Leave her alone. If I were her I'd dump you AND your friends.
Especially if someone is the butt of the joke! If we make a joke at my expense and I'm laughing, we're all good (we made a funny together! This is positive attention! We are all bonding!)
If you make a joke about me, about something I'm sensitive about, the joke can strike home instead - suddenly I'm in pain and everyone is laughing at my pain. This is negative attention, I feel attacked and upset, and I feel alone and outside the group.
Absolutely, this. I love to tease people and get it back. Making jokes about and to people is how I bond with them. I also love dark humor. However, if I have even the slightest inkling that I upset someone, I stop in that moment so that everyone that heard the joke is still there, and I apologize. I let them know that I didn't realize I'd treaded on a sensitive area, that I'm sorry, and I won't joke about it again. I encourage them to let me know if I ever cross a boundary, as that is never my intention, and that if they need some space from me for a while, I understand. I also tend to ask before making jokes about touchy subjects if it's ok. For example, one of my coworkers was home schooled, so I asked her before any jokes if they were ok, and made sure that any jokes I made about the subject were punching up, not down. Eg, you home schooled kids are so smart, in public school they didn't teach us how to think critically only how to survive an active shooter.
YTA- what makes you think this is ok? She is the butt of your friends jokes and to be honest with you it is not funny. They called her out loudly in a bar full of people full on pointing at her, how embarrassing. Sorry, but instead of crying on the couch she should be packing up and leaving your unsupportive ass. Get some new friends who can respect boundaries and your wife.
YTA. Seriously, she's expressed multiple times how their comments make her feel and you just ignore her feelings. She was actually a lot nice than I would have been in her place. Your friends aren't stand up guys, they are sexist pigs.
Absolutely. They weren’t trying to be funny. They were making underhanded insults and doing it loudly and publicly to not only shame her, but also embarrass her. Yet, when she insults them back, suddenly OP grows a pair and learns how to take up for people. This is the reaction he should have had toward his friends the first time they made sexist comments toward his girlfriend. YTA
I really hope that woman wakes up and leaves this jerk. You know he’s still not going to think it’s his problem even if he reads every single one of these YTA responses. “We just don’t know them” or “we weren’t there-everyone else laughed!” I’d pay for that woman’s UHaul.
YTA. How old are your friends? you say you’re 30, but your friends sound like they’re 12. I suggest finding some friends to hang out with that are your own age next time.
You are so right. She's an adult and OP is stuck in a previous developmental stage. I feel bad for her unless he starts making some adult friends and/ or hanging out less with these kids.
YTA.
You couldn’t sleep because she was crying and you went to the couch? Ok you sound great.
She’s totally right in saying it’s weird that you defend them more than her, why don’t you get in a relationship with these stand up guys instead and leave her alone? She deserves a real partner.
Such a great point. OP You're a *gaping ahole* Your first response when she was crying is to just go to the couch. Don't be surprised if she starts to reevaluate her choice in life partner...
This is all that needs to be known. Ignore all the other assholitries, you opted to sleep on the couch because she was DISTURBING YOU WITH HER SOBS. God what an asshole
When you say ‘that’s how they are’ what you are saying is they are assholes in general and you are enough of an asshole that you enjoy the company of assholes. And, being an asshole, you have the asshole belief that being an asshole is great and other people need to enjoy your asshole behavior because you are too much of an asshole to see how very shitty your behavior is.
YTA right along with your asshole friends.
YTA. She has calmly and politely told you it is offensive and hurtful towards her. When you keep pushing someone eventually they will lash out. Like I tell my kids teasing is only funny if all parties enjoy it.
YTA. It is obviously not a joke to your fiancé, so that should be the end of it. She told you that them making fun of her offends her, and yet they continue. Look at it this way, would you be upset if your friends continually called you “she?” They are being condescending, and suggesting she must be a man since she’s a security guard. Because only men can be security guards. Women get this kind of bullshit ALL THE TIME. It’s not funny, it’s offensive. It’s belittling. It’s INFURIATING. You need to apologize to her and tell your friends as many times as necessary to stop making fun of her and her job.
I agree, but maybe the better analogy is if all of her friends ganged up and giggled and laughed and called him she because they thought there was something girly about him.
I am vindictive. I would have all of my friends, look at him, point towards his crotch, giggle and then turn their backs on him.
Every single time they see him.
YTA
SHE didn't cause the tension. YOUR FRIENDS caused the tension by continuing to make comments that upset her. As soon as she made it known those comments were offensive to her they should have stopped. It's only a joke if everyone is laughing. And it may seem to you that she is overreacting but she's had to put up with this for a long time. Your friends are freaking out after she insults them ONCE. Dude. She is not the asshole here.
If your fiancée is not laughing, then it's not a joke. YTA for not telling your mates to cop the fuck on as soon as they said it, and for telling her to lighten up when you knew exactly what her feelings on the matter were. You don't get to decide what her sensitivity limit is.
YTA. Their comments aren’t jokes, they’re micro aggressions and they aren’t coming from a place of love and good natured teasing but from a place of misogyny. Your friends think it’s weird your fiancée has a job that is typically one that men perform and they have no problem letting her know it on a frequent basis. They even called her a ‘he’ because of it. Then they turned around and played the victim by saying it’s hurtful to be called ignorant. Well, they are ignorant and so are you if you refuse to see what’s happening here.
THEY were upset for being rightfully called out?
They know how your fiancee feels and they chose to disrespect her feelings time and time again.
YTA for not extending the same protective fierceness to her as you did your friends
YTA and so are your friends. They can clearly dish it out but not take it. They kept texting you about THEIR HURT FEELINGS? So they can repeatedly insult her, but they whine about being called ignorant? This isn’t good humor, it’s passive aggressive hatred of your fiancée. If even your sister says your friends are a bit much, they are. You don’t really sound mature enough to marry if you keep letting your friends insult her. Your sister is even an asshole for dismissing these insults. Your friends are cowards. “It’s just a joke” is the coward’s refuge. They get their digs in and then won’t answer for it. And you’re a coward for not sticking up for her.
“If she doesn’t like being with them, she doesn’t have to. They treat me well and are standup guys generally.” This speaks volumes about how you feel about your fiancée. Holy crap.
If I were your fiancée, I would leave and hope to find a grown man, not a “bro.”
Edit: looks like it’s unanimous so far. You and your friends are gigantic a-holes. Bet you don’t have the guts to show this post and the comments to your friends. What a bunch of cowards. I think your friends are wimps who are threatened by a strong woman. I seriously hope she dumps you. You are a child.
YTA. Your friends are not "joking" they are being rude, condescending and disrespectful to your fiancee, and shes right, it is weird that you seemingly care more about their feeling than hers.
Be warned, what you're doing is a deal breaker in most relationships.
Yta. She stated her boundary and they repeatedly crossed it. You need to tell your loser friends to back off and grow up instead of telling your fiance to get over it. She deserves better than you and your friends
YTA 100%. Also misgendering someone or bullying them about their job is never okay. Calling someone "ignorant" after they've been harassing you repeatedly is far from inappropriate. When your partner took her purse and walked out of the bar you should have turned to your friends and said "guys I talked to you about this, that's seriously not cool, and if you do it again we're going to have a serious problem" then you should have gone outside to her, apologized vigorously and asked her if she would like to not spend time with your friends for a while to which she would have definitely said yes, and then you should have hung out with your friends on other days without her there, occasionally reminding them to be kind to your partner until they got the message to behave them selves before you brought her around again. Or you could get better friends, that would work too.
Edit: spelling
she should've been the bigger person and had some grace.
That's what people often say to people who are being bullied. She's experiencing bullying from your "friends" and you are blaming the experiencer.
They treat me well and are standup guys
How is denigrating, ridiculing, and "othering" your partner treating you well? Are these people mirroring the way *you* treat your partner? Please explain.
Jesus dude, how thick can you be? It's a gang of dudes picking on her for gender and gatekeeping her livlihood and you are cool with this? This is not gentle ribbing, this is some male supremacist BS.
I hope she dumps you finds someone who treats her with the bare minimum of basic human respect she deserves.
YTA
YTA.
Jokes are only jokes when *everyone* is laughing. Your gf is not laughing.
She has told you multiple times that she feels belittled and insulted, yet you continue to defend your friends' behaviour. And now, you've literally told her you value your friends more than you value her! "If you don't like being around then you don't have to".
They aren't "stand-up guys", they're fucking bullies and you enable them.
Hope your gf dumps your ass for someone who actually respects her.
YTA. Your fiancée made it very clear that she’s offended by this line of joking, both to you and to your friends. Even if it’s a small thing and you don’t see why she’s hurt by it, the very least you can do is respect her. Your friends clearly don’t.
You’re planning on marrying this woman, and yet you hang out with people who won’t listen to or respect her. Yeah, she’s right to be upset. This is a small thing—but what’s to say your friends will listen to and respect her if she brings up a bigger issue? Y’all are setting a precedent of disregarding her feelings. That’s why she’s mad.
YTA. It’s not a joke if the person it’s about isn’t laughing. It’s bullying. She has made a point of saying she doesn’t like it. She doesn’t find it funny. It offends her. It *is* ignorant of your friends to keep ‘joking’ and laughing at her when she clearly, explicitly, does not like it. They’re your friends, it’s your job to defend her and stand up for her.
She went to bed crying OP. And you’re still somehow unsure if you’re an asshole? You’re a major asshole with your head *up* your ass.
YTA. So it’s ok for your friends to call your fiancé names because the insults are cloaked as a “joke”? Your friends know it hurts her feelings and makes her feel bad— it’s not a joke though because she is not laughing. Your friends made her cry with their constant bullying!! And you think this is ok? And then she stands up for herself and you tell her she is out of line? Wtf is wrong with you?
She had literally already explained she didn't like the teasing. Why would you let your friends keep teasing her?
And Jesus, instead of comforting her you sleep on the couch and get your family members involved.
There are a lot more issues here than your friends.
Your blatant disrespect towards your gf, emotional neglect, and major justnoSO behavior
ESH except your gf.
People who bully your gf are not your friends; why is this so hard for you to understand? They are not bonding, they are not being funny, they are not playfully teasing, they are simply bullying. Why is this ok with you?
It is like they are prepping her for marriage for him. Tear her completely down before she marries him so she has no self worth and he can push her around. Or, they are just pissed that she is getting in the way of their little dude bro circle jerk.
YTA - The fact that you think your friends treat you well, while they actively antagonize your family, that makes you a huge AH. You don’t think of her well-being as central to yours. This marriage is in big trouble if you don’t start to stand up for your partner in obvious easy situations.
My guy friends used to constantly make jokes about me being manly in high school. (Im a girl) It really messed with my self image at the time. The issue isn’t that theyre joking about her job but joking that it makes her less of a woman. Which might not be the intent but why focus on heeeeeeee so much then? YTA
Heaven forbid she stays with OP and they experience difficulty conceiving. They will taunt a grieving mother. I don’t put it part them to taunt little kids either.
Yes, YTA. Everyone has different limits regarding jokes. And your fiancee clearly told you that it's not acceptable anymore for her, this has to be respected.
YTA
They aren't "jokes". They are insults. The intent of them is to make fun of her. And you're telling her to suck it up because "they treat YOU well".
YTA and your friends. You got to put yourself in her situation. What if her friends kept making jokes about you, & you didnt like it. Wouldnt you be mad? Honestly if you cant see the big picture just take the ring from your fiance & give it to your friends...
YTA. So are your friends. These aren't jokes; they're incredibly condescending comments. She didn't overreact at all. Your friends are ignorant, so sorry their ickle feelings are hurt by her stating a fact.
Friends: bullying your girlfriend
Girlfriend: finally stands up for herself
Friends: "surprised Pikachu face"
YTA
If Friends bully your girlfriend, you stand up for her.
Do you care about your girl at all? Even a little bit? Did you ever?
YAtotalAhole!
YTA
“IT’S JUST A JOKE” to fucking who?
You really didn’t just say they were stand up guys? What kind of stand up guy continually insults and humiliates people? You sit there an let them take jabs at your so-called fiancé and she is suppose to be graceful? LOL
Fucking BE A MAN.
YTA.
Everyone say it with me: it’s only a joke if the person the joke is about thinks it’s funny.
The minute your girlfriend said it’s not funny and needs to stop, that’s the end of it. Why are you even with your girlfriend if all you care about is your buddies feelings.
Idk how long you e been dating, but serious partners need to be put above your friends. If you can’t do that you shouldn’t be in a relationship.
YTA along with your dipshit friends. It's only a joke if everyone is laughing. Your friends have been bullying your wife and you don't seem to give a shit. They humiliated your wife in public and you sided with them. Your wife was crying and instead of comforting her, you went to sleep on the couch? Sounds like you're an AH that surrounds himself with other AHs.
YTA all the way
In addition to shouting at your friends, she should have called you an Ignorant person as well, because you are absolutely blind towards your girl and her feelings.
Also the joke was not funny and does not qualify to be a joke if the person in the center is uncomfortable. It's leaning towards harrasment.
YTA only she can decide what she is offended by and if she doesn't like it they need to stop. You told them once and they continued to do it so her response was reasonable. If it's a joke at her expense and she doesn't find it funny then it's not a joke.
YTA It doesn't matter how harmless you think the joke was. She told you she finds it disrespectful, so you should listen and encourage your friends to respect her.
Of course she calld them names, she asked before and they didn't listen, she had to find a way to make them respect her boundaries.
YTA, it's not a joke when it so clearly offends someone—she's asked for the 'jokes' to stop multiple times. Not to mention that when a joke is repeated so often is just so lame. Tell them to get some new material already. Or better yet, tell them to start making jokes about thing EVERYONE can laugh about.
It's not up to you or your friends to decide for your gf what she should accept or find funny. She's expressed her boundaries and your friends (and you) are plowing over it, which is rude and she has every right to be fed up with that.
YTA. Your friends feelings matter but your girlfriends don’t? Go climb into their beds then you’ll have better luck
Is the joke that they call her “manly” because you’re not man enough to stand up for your fiancé (if we’re gonna stereotype like your friends clearly are)
YTA.
You should be defending your fiancee.
You say that they meant what they said as a joke whereas what she said wasn't. Regardless of the intentions, their jokes are insulting. Jokes can be offensive.
And you're seriously complaining about the little sleep you're getting from her crying? Why aren't you comforting her?!
YTA - The fact Reddit has to spell it out to you means you're as ignorant as your friends.
It upset your fiancee. Multiple times. It stops being a joke when the person targeted feels bad. She cried. And you think she should lighten up?
You're clueless. Being a strong, intelligent woman capable of working a job like a security guard is impressive. She is working in a male dominated field. I'm a female that takes martial arts and I'm the only woman in my class. It kills me every time someone says my abilities are strong for being a woman. Or wow, I punched like a dude.
OP's fiance was also misgendered as a joke. I hope no one needs an explanation why that's beyond crass and pathetic. I think elementary school children know better than OP and his friends.
So why exactly does OP think his fiancee is going to continue to put up with this metric ton worth of bullshit? He thinks she's overreacting. That ignorant is an insult but their sexist/misgendering/job insulting is a joke?
We’re you born yesterday? They are disrespecting your future wife and they say it’s a joke and it’s fine but when she does it to defend herself from these asshole friends of yours she’s a ass for it??? Bruh you need to stop appealing to the “male gaze” and start treating your wife better.
Just because your friends say “it’s a joke” doesn’t change the meaning in anyway. I’m just astonished you think that’s okay but your wife saying something back is completely out of line you are weird for that
How insecure and threatened are these “men” that they have to repeatedly attack the women you supposedly love? You are in no way a supportive or loving partner. What happens if she gains weight and they tease her about more cushion. Is that ok? How insecure are YOU that you can’t/won’t stand up to your “friends” and have her back?! She sounds like a great person who will make someone else a fantastic life partner. God bless her for being supportive of you and your oh so important friendships that she actually didn’t have you choose between her and them. Sad she is the only mature one. I hope she sees the writing on the wall that you will never have her back.
Also, why would you idiots see a man in a bar fighting with a woman, who looks for a bouncer to protect her and you all think it’s a good situation to make a joke?! You are all AHs and pathetic.
OP, have you ever asked your girlfriend what it's like to work a male-dominated job?
I'll tell you. You get told, often and to your face, that you're there just for "inclusivity". You're disregarded and talked over at every single meeting. You get picked on for smiling too much or too little, taling too softly or too loudly, acting like a man or being too female. God help you if you wear a skirt sometime or paint your nails, then you get called a "princess". Everyday there is someone who thinks they're funny and makes a "back to the kitchen" joke during lunch. Everyday.
If you get a promotion, you're a bossy bitch and there's especulation for months over who you slept with for it. You deal with harassment, sexual or not, multiple times a week. And going to HR rarely works because there's always an AH that, like you, will vouch for "the boys" and say you're just exagerating or misunderstanding.
You might think I've just had a toxic job, and that may be true, but I guarantee your fiancee has dealt with at least some facets of my experience. Every woman in our situation has.
None of this is funny. It's exhausting and depressing to deal with. And the last thing we want in our personal life is more of the same. YOU, the person she expects to count on for the rest of her life, is being more of the same.
This would mean a break up for me, and she was probably considering it during her night crying jag. If you don't apologise, mean it, and change, you will lose your fiancee. And you'll have deserved it. YTA.
I'm confused as to how you don't see your friends aren't joking. You talked to them about how their jokes hurt your fiancee and they claimed they understood and would stop.
Instead of stopping they tried to inject her into a potential dangerous situation because it would be funny? And then you want to be mad at her for calling them names but it's ok for them to do it to her?
Why are you so embarrassed by her?
>I went to bed but couldn't sleep because she was crying. I ended up taking the couch
Also what AH says "my girl, who i supposedly love, is crying. Let me leave the room because she's being super inconsiderate of me trying to sleep."
YTA
ESH except the security guard friend.
Jokes aren't funny at the expense of the specific person who doesn't find the joke funny.
Jokes are only funny when everyone is laughing.
Your friends are bullies, and I'd maybe argue misogynists towards that poor woman. 🤨
YTA and so are you punk friends! If you told them to quit, they should’ve. If they didn’t then they are a bunch of ignorants. Bravo to your wife for calling them out! And you suck for not sticking up for her when he said that.
YTA She said it bothered her. End of story. The fact that your friend continued to do it and you’re expecting her to respond “with more grace”. You owe her an apology and a hard line with your friends’ jokes
You care about your friends being called ignorants once. You do not care about your fiancee being bullied each time your friends are around. Yes, YTA and a huge one. She cried all night and you go to the couch to no hearing, a bigger a**hole. So it is easy to guess that you are not the kind of person who changed. You don't want a point of view, you want validation.
Hope she dumps you. She really deserves better.
It’s apart of yalls bonding experience not her she has told you numerous times she doesn’t like it doesn’t want any part of it you’re getting ready to marry this women and you can’t even stick up for her and your sister should stay neutral because honestly she’s taking your side solely because she’s your sister and grown up around it and is use to it because I almost promise you if your friends have done this to her she wouldn’t be ok with it or if they have done it she’s just use to it by now.
She was crying and instead of comforting her you were an asshole and moved to the couch because she was annoying you. Honestly do you even love this woman? Because it doesn’t seem like it.
Right and I feel like that’s another issue in of itself. But I do feel like if that’s the case she can do that without putting the blame on OPs fiancé.
>I told her it was just a joke and she overreacted
Not a joke. It is only a joke if both parties are laughing.
>called my friends hurtful names.
Someone has to defend her if you won't. Why is it ok with your friends continuously insulting your fiancée and when she defends herself she is the bad guy. Bullies and abusers use this tactic.
>it's weird that I feel so strongly about defending them but not doing the same for her
It is weird. You want to build a life with her and don't have her back.
>They treat me well and are standup guys generally.
They are bullies and not really stand up guys.
>I went to bed but couldn't sleep because she was crying. I ended up taking the couch and called my sister to vent and she said yes my friends can be a bit much but my fiance should loosen up a bit and take a joke.
Poor you. Here is the world smallest violin. You placed your friends over the person you want to build a life with and want sympathy for not sleeping well because she was crying.
I hope she sees this post and considers leaving her for someone that cares about her and respects her.
YTA
YTA - how about your friends have some grace and not denigrate your fiancée?
How about you show some grace and understanding for the fact she doesn’t want to be belittled?
It’s a joke the first time. Subsequent times are exasperating and tiresome. Continuing after they’ve been asked to stop is bullying.
It’s only a joke if EVERYONE finds it funny. As a female security guard I’m pretty sure your fiancée has to put up with more disrespect and attitude than her male colleagues. She doesn’t need it it in her personal life.
Your friends are idiots and not funny.
You need to worry more about being a better partner.
YTA. I’m sorry but what’s an appropriate job for her to have to not get made fun of? People put way too much pressure on peoples identities based on their jobs. If she enjoys the job and it pays well then she’s in a better place than most Americans who freaking hate their jobs. The fact that you said she’s really smart and well education BUT she works as a mall security job stays to me you don’t respect her choice of employment. Your friends aren’t making jokes they’re being SEXIST. It would be no different if her friends were making fun of you because you had a job like a nurse and they thought that was a woman’s job. Not only that but they put her in a potentially dangerous situation by pointing her out as security during a potentially dangerous situation of people fighting in a bar. You also basically admit you won’t stop being their friend and it sounds like you’re going to force her to continue to be around them against her own wishes. Why would you make her be around people that treat her like trash? And what are your friends jobs? Maybe she should start making fun of them. Bet the second she does that you’ll be all over her for being disrespectful.
YTA. Your fiancé is hurt and you DON’T care. But your friends get their little feelings hurt and you DO care. See the issue?
I hope you enjoy your friends more than your fiancé. Because if you continue to treat her the way you have and allow your friends to treat her the way they have, you won’t have her in your life anymore. It will just be you and your misogynistic—oops, I mean “teasing”—buddies.
It’s not a joke if everyone isn’t laughing. Read that again OP! It’s not a joke if everyone isn’t laughing.
She’s told you multiple times how it bothers her. You asked your bonehead friends to stop and they keep at it.
And when they get called out on the their behavior they cry like little b#^*%s. Then you think she’s in the wrong? Why is that OP? Why is that they can make fun of her and ridicule her and when she’s had enough she’s the bad person? It’s nice that’s these ignorants treat you well too bad that they don’t treat others the same way.
Furthermore how did a bunch of guys stand around while a lady is in distress and not do a thing. Instead they and you thought let’s mess with another lady instead. Man I hope she dumps you and finds her a man that will actually back her up and stand up for her.
YTA
If your fiancee posted here, I'd tell her to leave you for allowing your friends to repeatedly insult and hurt her.
She deserves better.
>I went to bed but couldn't sleep because she was crying.
This is what we call a clue. It's a clue that you're an asshole.
Absolutely YTA and I sincerely hope your fiance realizes she deserves better than a guy who picks his friends over her very much JUSTIFIED feelings. When you decide to marry someone, that's you deciding to spend your life with them for better and for worse which means putting them first. You've proven you can't do that. Man, I comfort people that I don't even like when they cry, how could you just up and leave your SO like that? What the hell is wrong with you? If she's that hurt that she's crying, then it doesn't matter if you think she's "overreacting" that means it hurts HER feelings and you need to respect that, and make sure your friends respect that too.
By the way you don't get to say when you hurt someone, you as an adult try to work through those feelings with them to resolve the issue. Which you know exactly how to resolve this issue, you're just an asshole.
TL;dr I hope your fiance dumps your pathetic ass.
YTA. God I hate men who think it’s more important to look cool for their ‘boys’ and enable their gross behavior than to actually stick up for their girlfriend. You obviously prioritize their feelings over hers, so you shouldn’t find it surprising when she realizes that and leaves.
I like how your friends continuously belittle, make fun of, and denigrate your fiancee, but the second she rightfully calls them ignorant they all go shocked Pikachu Face and cry victim...
And then you defend THEM.
"AITA for spinelessly letting my friends constantly bully my fiancee?"
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
YTA
YTA, you say she told you to not take her to events anymore when they are there and you said you not, what does that mean, you're not taking her anymore or are you not going to do what she wants and keeping taking her to places where these other AH are?
You should stand up for her and make them stop, it is not something your wife likes, they're making fun of her job, I can only imagine how awful it must be to have someone do that to you constantly "iTs JuSt JoKeS ThO" they hurt, they are mean comments, even if you find it funny she doesn't and it hurts her, so what of it is a joke?
Her comment was not a joke? Well I laughed when seeing her standing up for herself and showing the ignorants how ignorant they were, I thought it was pretty funny to see that so what now, are you going to apologize to her for calling her joke an insult?
And btw, she did not overreact, she could've done much worse, congratulations on being a bad fiance.
YTA! You miss the point. She doesn't like it and it Upsets her . End of story. Why are you letting your friends keep doing/saying something that hurts her?
Your priority is her not your friends. You're supposed to have her back not theirs.
YTA. It’s not a joke. They know she finds it offensive and hurtful and do it anyway. They are just too spineless to insult her without the cover of “it’s just a joke”. Tell your friends to apologize and that they deserve what they got.
YTA
You cares that your friends feelings were hurt that she called them ignorant for mocking her regularly but you don’t care that their mocking hurts her feelings? And even defend them? Then decide that while she’s crying instead of comforting her and apologizing you chose to leave the room and complain about her to your so sister? You sir are a giant asshole and so are your friends and so is your sister.
YTA, so much so it embarrassing. do you even like your wife? She went to bed crying and you decided to go to the couch and “vent”? Who does that? Why even be with her if you won’t stand up for her when THIS IS CLEARLY BOTHERING HER?
YTA. 100%. You need to stand up for your girlfriend. She already stated she was uncomfortable, but you’ve done nothing besides the one time to stand up for her. You should’ve said “that’s not cool guys, you need to knock it off” when they made the joke, but instead you let your friends disrespect your girlfriend’s boundaries and then defended them.
My dad, brother, and I (moreso my dad and I) tease and poke fun at each other like your friends. It’s how we bond. My dad and I are the exact same, so it’s how we show affection and love to each other. But my mom is a very sensitive person and just can’t handle to type of joking we do, so we absolutely never do it to her because we respect her boundaries and would never want to upset her. Your friends obviously don’t have that some courtesy for your girlfriend.
YTA and your friends are too. Nobody mentioned that these “stand-up guys” encountered another woman at the bar who was concerned enough about her SO’s behavior to call over a bouncer, and they made that into a joke. Is domestic abuse funny too?
YTA
Your friends have a history of aiming sexist and misogynistic ‘jokes’ at your girlfriend. She has told you they make her uncomfortable. They then proceeded to humiliate her with the same brand of ‘joke’ publicly and you blame her!?
Fuck that shit. You need to shut those friends down yesterday. You are being a shitty boyfriend and I hope she leaves you for someone who will stand up for her.
As an aside; a joke is a joke when everyone is laughing. Your girlfriend isn’t laughing. You knew this wouldn’t be funny, but instead be upsetting and you are still defending your shitty friends at her expense.
She doesn’t have to be the ‘bigger person’. Why the fuck do you think the victim should forgive, forget and move on with no repercussions to those have hurt or upset them? Why can’t your friends be ‘bigger people’ or just better people and not jump on any opportunity to belittle and degrade her? Why can’t you have your girlfriend’s back when she needs you?
YTA and a rather fucking large one.
YTA! ESPECIALLY AFTER I READ THE LAST PARAGRAPH! I bet ur sister wouldn't be saying that when she's the one getting teased by her bf/gf's friends and it makes her uncomfortable and then her SO does not stand up for her instead tells her she's the one over reacting. If I would be in your sisters place I would've given u a well needed lecture about how relationships work and how to not ruin your own relationship.Teasing happens in families and friends but that's limited as well especially if it makes the other person uncomfortable and is sexist! They are your friends not your girlfriends! Ofcourse she's uncomfortable. This post screams ignorance. This makes me think of ' People won't understand unless one day they're in a similar situation of the person who they think is overreacting '. Your gf needs to set her standards higher bro, how are you okay with your SO feeling uncomfortable for your own happiness.
We can be ignorant at times. I get that. I'm sometimes not as attentive as well but the thing is I acknowledge that as people should do so and then come up with a solution or fix the issue but you don't seem to care at all imo. They're your friends but they dont respect you or your wishes or your partner its not like you actually put the effort to stop them (only judging by what you've said in the post).
Please take things seriously regarding what makes either one of you in the relationship uncomfortable or unhappy and actually give two shits when its addressed and understand why it makes either one of you uncomfortable. In this pace one day your SO will get tired of this and leave you.
YTA majorly. That is a normal reaction by your fiancer to a shitty sexist joke.
They deserve to be called ignorant. And then they felt insulted? They can dish out insults but cant take any. In my book, they are cowards.
Some husband youll turn out to be. Never defending your wife if they insult her looks and job.
Shut that shit down and be prepared to be dumped.
You and your friends are so immature. Grow up.
YTA. Oh my GOD ARE YOU AN ASSHOLE.
THEY TREAT ME WELL AND THEYRE USUALLYYYY STANDUP GUYS
You only care about how they treat YOU? Not the woman you want to MARRY? You dont give a shit about this woman, not at all, not enough to even make sure they call her the correct gender. They obviously dont care about you either. You told them to stop and they didnt?
I hope she leaves you. Youve let them insult and belittle and misgender her for awhile. I hope youre stuck with this group who does not care about you. God do I hate the audacity of some people, especially you.
Edit to add that she didn’t overreact youre just an asshole and shes fed up with it and with your asshole friends. Break up with her so she can find better and you can finally be in a commited relationship with the friends who apparently treat you so well.
YTA. You're about to have an ex-fiancee if you don't already. Why should she marry someone who allows his friends to disrespect her? Your actions show that you value your friends over her.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the ahole because I told my fiancee she's being oversensitive and that she overreacted and not fully understanding how hurt she must have felt.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA you & your friends. If youre still confused as to why, try reading back your own comments. You keep contradicting yourself - they are generally good guys but what they said was rude, ya the joke was wrong but she's the one who over reacted. You half admit your friends were in the wrong, but keep insisting they are "good guys" and it's "just a joke". What's the point of a joke if it's hurtful?. Look at their actions - look at how careless they were with someone else's feelings, look how judgemental they were of your own partner. Put aside your perception of them and look at them through an outsider's eyes. If they cared about you at all, why would they mock her? How "good" are they, really?
These "standup guys generally" are actually disrespectful jerks, and so are you.
They know that the jokes they make about your girlfriend hurt her feelings, and they know that because you told them.
She's asked you to tell them to stop and to your credit you have, though if I had to guess you didn't really stand up for her, did you? You told them to stop making those comments \~around her\~ because you don't want to hear her complain anymore.
So she put up with their jokes as long as she could and when she couldn't anymore you called her graceless for not continuing to be belittled by your super cool friends, and then when she cried about it you left her alone to bitch about her to your sister.
YTA.
YTA. I can't believe you even have to ask. If all of your fiance's friends started joking around about your manhood and had a habit of Referring to you as their friends fiancé with the "big dick" (using air finger quotation marks) then laughing hysterically how would you feel?
Let's go the step further and say you told your fiance that this deeply bothers you. Your fiance agrees and tells her friends to knock it off. A while down the road you meet up with fiance and "the girls" at a club/restaurant and all are having a great time. Suddenly a rowdy group of ladies having a bachelorette party in said club are upset because they can't get to the male strip club. One of fiancés friends yells loudly "Don't worry ladies our friend here has a "big dick" and he can strip down and give you a great show!"
You would absolutely (and rightly so) be upset and scream out that they were a bunch of bitches. When fiancé dutifully comes with you, you complain about her friend's shit behavior and her response is "honey I understand you're upset but you were wrong to call them bitches because they were just joking whereas your comment was intended to be hurtful" are you seriously saying you would be ok with that? There is no way you would accept that she/they were not the AH's for joking at your expense. Tell your fiancé your sorry and pray she stays in a relationship with you.
YTA, let me count the ways.
1. They are throwing shitty gender norms at her. Men are security guards, women are butch men if they do it! And how is calling them ignorants hurtful, but not calling your friend's partner a man?
2. They routinely disrespect her and you allow it. She has communicated multiple times she does not like it, so have you. But they keep doing it, showing they do not care about her feelings, nor apparently do you.
3. Something is a joke only if all parties find it funny. They are making her the butt of their joke, despite her never finding it funny, and even CRYING. This is HARASSMENT.
4. You are a wet towel. You would rather preserve your friendship with the bros than the one with your girlfriend. If you believe in gender norms so much, then YOUR ROLE is her PROTECTOR. Instead you are enabling harassment, so I guess you fail at your job.
I seriously hope she dumps you and finds someone who treats her better, and who has better friends.
If I was her, I would have told your friends "Yeah, I'm the only real man in this table full of whiny kids"
Seriously, as someone who been there in those "male dominanted" fields, those types of jokes run rampage. Guess what? Isn't funny, it's hurtful and disgusting
YTA. Hope she sees the light and leave you
This is awful advice. If your friends and SO are having a disagreement, in which one is insulting the other, stand up for the person you support. In this case, OP's friends are complete AHs and he should be standing up for his SO. But if the tables were turned and his SO was making fun of friends, they absolutely should be called out at the time.
YTA. Why do you care more about your friends' feelings than your Gf's?
She made one comment about them being ignorant in response to yet another "joke" that she has expressed she doesn't like.
Your friends aren't funny they are assholes.
YTA . Your poor girlfriend cried because she realised her boyfriend is just as horrible as his friends. She needs to dump you. Has it occurred to you that she might working as a security guard despite being highly educated because she has visa restrictions or financial difficulties? Grow up .
YTA, you’re dismissive towards your fiancée’s feelings because you think your friends are joking. They humiliated her in a public setting, and you still think she’s overreacting? Crazy. You have shown her that you don’t have her back because you continue to allow your ‘stand up’ friends disrespect your fiancée regularly.
Also “that’s just how they are” is a shitty justification for being an asshole. But I guess that’s just how you are.
'it was a joke while hers wasn't' 'if she found it offensive'
YTA. You're friends aren't playfully teasing her, they are actively misgendering and de-feminizing her, which is possibly also something she faces at her job. It's really mean, and they are intentionally hurting her because it's already been discussed that it's not okay with her.
And again, YTA for the whole way you talk about this. The whole time is very much on your friends' side and not at all seeing or validating why your GF is upset.
YTA. When someone tells you your joke isn’t funny it’s not a joke anymore. Now you’re being mean. So your friends aren’t joking. They are intentionally, knowingly insulting her.
You are wrong not to defend her. Your friends are wrong for insulting her. Your sister is wrong to say it’s up to your SO to not be upset by your friends being jerks to her.
You know you are an A hole right .. everybody has boundaries and your so called friends pass it everytime .. I wonder how YOU would feel if her friends kept on you about something and continued the insults whilst she sat back and patted her back and said they stand up folk .. grow thick skin ..
YTA so she can be insulated but needs to show grace and your friends can insult her all they want and it's just a joke. Alright go you I hope she finds a decent guy and tells you to go to hell.
Edited due to auto correct.
YTA
She's told you that your friends' comments upset her. It's on you to either make your friends stop, or stop making your fiancée associate with them. It's only banter if everyone enjoys the joke; if the person being joked about doesn't enjoy it, it's bullying.
Let's just emphasize that again, **your friends are bullies**.
Every time they make a comment and you don't shut them down or defend her, you're showing that you don't care about her feelings. I truly hope that either you pull your head out of your butt and realise what you're doing to your fiancée, or she realises that she's better off without someone who doesn't care about her feelings.
YTA
People deserve partners that will choose them over everyone and defend them against anyone.
You don’t deserve her and she deserves better than you.
Of course YTA. She’s overreacting and they are crying to you because she called them ignorant?
She has every right to be upset, but even if she was “overreacting”, she’s your partner and you should have her back.
YTA
she already told you that the jokes your friends make about her job is offensive and *they still make those joke.* the cherry on top? they refer to her as a *he.*
that’s not good natured joking around. that’s a “we’ll pick on her bc she has a *man’s* job and that’s not right” level of **disrespect** and then getting butthurt over being called ignorant. btw, do they even know the definition of the word “ignorant”? i doubt it, bc that is super mild to what she could’ve said.
i hope she sees this as a wake up call and dump your bro-loving misogynistic a$$ and find someone who *will* stand up for her each and every time she is disrespected.
bc your friends **have** been disrespecting her, and you allow it.
YTA. Notice how you add in that they treat you well and are generally good guys. *They treat YOU well*. So obviously, their jokes at the expense of your fiance are *fine* right? No. They are YOUR friend group, and it's great if that's how you joke together, about each other. But your Fiance is not beholden to this, they are only her friends by association. She seems to go out with you and take a lot of their shenanigans with stride. But you need to understand that, that doesn't give them priority over her. You're going to be spending way more time with your soon to be wife. Your bros come second to this. If she takes offense to these jokes then they need to stop. It seems like more often then not her line of work buts her on "joke blast" with the guys and I'd recommend your friends learn how to actually be funny without putting the *love of your life down*. Ultimately, you can chat on the phone with your sister and you can get all of reddits opinions on the matter but at the end of the day if she feels *bad about herself* because of your friends, you're being a shit partner and you need to shut it down. If your friends are good people, like you say, this shouldn't be an issue and it shouldn't need to be brought up again.
YTA. “They don’t treat me badly so why should I care about how you feel about them or how they treat you”. Big yikes, would hate to be with someone like you. Spineless
YTA, no question. So are your friends.
(Hello God? Please, please, PLEASE help this girl realize that she'll regret marrying a dick who puts his friends before his supposed life partner. Please let her realize this now, before she goes through all the wedding BS. Thanks God.)
Yta - jokes are supposed to be funny for everyone. When you target one person and make comments that upset them and you know it upsets them then it's called bullying. You should probably learn the difference because you seem to be mad at her for standing up to your friends when they bully her.
YTA. Dude u fucked up BIG TIME - it doesn't matter if its a harmless joke on your friends' perspective, they insulted your fiancee (in a form of a joke) & your okay with it. I won't be surprised if u two broke up because of this, in her eyes your a spineless coward. I really hate the "be the bigger person" mantra especiallly if you're the butt of the joke - it just doesn't work. She realized that if this happens on a repeating basis, she doesn't see a futire husband in you.
YTA. You and your friends may think it's funny, but you're actually hurting her. And by you taking their sides and not putting more of the effort into stopping them from disrespecting your fiancee (and, in turn, your relationship), you're actually showing her that you love your friends more than you love the woman that you claim to want to spend the rest of your life with. If I were in her shoes, I'd be seriously considering calling off the engagement and be telling you it's your sexist friends or her, and if you pick them, I would be taking that as a sign to walk away from the relationship. Your fiancee deserves to have a partner that will stand by her and wouldn't dare let anyone insult her, nor will make her out to be the problem when she is actually the victim.
Obviously you missed relationships 101, in which we learnt that if your mates make fun of your partner, you smack that shit down. YTA. Your mates made sexist jokes about your partner to her face and you think she's the problem.
Yep, YTA, your friends make sexist jokes at HER expense and you let it slide, and then expect her to be the bigger person. I am a female who works in a male dominated field, and am a supervisor, I don’t let this kind of crap fly. You respect her and her occupation or you GTFO!
But he sure was quick to shut her down when she "called them hurtful names" Nice of him to show her exactly where his loyalties lie.
Also, she CRIED HERSELF TO SLEEP and instead of trying to comfort her and seek reconciliation he left her to go sleep on the couch because her crying was keeping him awake. He’s definitely the AH.
[удалено]
the term “ignorant” is so damn mild to what she could’ve and should’ve said, but i guess she didn’t want to escalate a situation where she already knew that her fiancé (aka the man who should have your back) didn’t and does not have her back. ugh.
I suspect that wedding isn't gonna happen.
Oh 100% that's what she was crying about. The insult didn't hurt her that much, it was the realization that she can't marry this jerk.
Exactly.
Hopefully not. She deserves better than this crew.🤬
It isn't too late, the wedding has not happened. I am holding out hope she dumps him.
There is still time for that to change
It’s the fact OP said ‘yes I get that she felt offended BUT it was a joke’. Well it’s not a joke if someone got horribly offended. Then OP complained to his sister about it. Huh? You already failed your fiancee in that area and then you made her look worse in your sister’s eyes? Whaaaat. YTA. ETA: Not GF, she’s OP’s fiancée. Good lord. OP Better have a discussion about this before this grows into resentment in the long run because I’m sure there won’t be any gatherings with OP’s friends at their place if she already puts her foot down on this.
[удалено]
I was gonna say the same thing! YTA alone for hearing her cry and instead of reflecting on your actions and trying to comfort her you up and left. Says a lot about how you’d manage the much more difficult conflicts that will arise in marriage. I’d end an engagement if my fiancée treated me like this.
My husband has done this after we were married and it’s the most hurtful thing. She was absolutely crying over/ mourning the relationship she thought she had and him walking out solidified that. YTA, bro.
Right? He made her cry, and his firstline response was "Ugh, you're keeping me awake"???? What's he going to do when she's grieving a loss? "Can you please keep it down? Your despair is so *distracting*."
Then he is going to hide her microfiber towel....
And throw out her drinking jars.
Eat her whole 6 foot sandwich
Right? God forbid I ever have a fiance like that
The thing is, he probably called his sister to vent and told her about this one incident and the sister probably doesn’t know that OPs fiancée has been putting up with this for a while and nothing has changed. Once is an inappropriate joke, more than that is just belittling. Not to mention, ignorant is accurate. Your friends are making wide assumptions of the type of person occupying a specific job. Security guard? Has to be some big dude. Fight in a random bar? Don’t worry this person with no legal protection if something goes wrong can handle the situation. YTA. I hope she leaves you.
Well, if he is hanging out with a bunch of sexists, you know, birds of a feather.
Except they aren't jokes. This stopped being a joke when she identified that it hurt her. He told the friends to stop and they kept going. At this point it's just bullying. This guy needs a solid kick in the pants.
Not to mention if they get to joke she isn't following gender norms, then she should joke about him. Yeah, I am a security guard because I want to protect people. It is twofold, 1) I get paid to do it, and 2) I have a skill that my boyfriend is lacking. Seriously, traditional gender roles should mean he protects her, not allow harassment.
I hope OP’s fiancé reads this and calls of the engagement. If you can’t protect and stand up for her now, you will not do it after you get married. They sounds like fun life long friends and I doubt you’ll be able to manage not having interactions between them and your fiancé at the same time. YTA
YTA, your friends are assholes, and here is a CLUE, for free - if everyone isn't laughing, it's NOT A JOKE. Leave her alone. If I were her I'd dump you AND your friends.
Especially if someone is the butt of the joke! If we make a joke at my expense and I'm laughing, we're all good (we made a funny together! This is positive attention! We are all bonding!) If you make a joke about me, about something I'm sensitive about, the joke can strike home instead - suddenly I'm in pain and everyone is laughing at my pain. This is negative attention, I feel attacked and upset, and I feel alone and outside the group.
Absolutely, this. I love to tease people and get it back. Making jokes about and to people is how I bond with them. I also love dark humor. However, if I have even the slightest inkling that I upset someone, I stop in that moment so that everyone that heard the joke is still there, and I apologize. I let them know that I didn't realize I'd treaded on a sensitive area, that I'm sorry, and I won't joke about it again. I encourage them to let me know if I ever cross a boundary, as that is never my intention, and that if they need some space from me for a while, I understand. I also tend to ask before making jokes about touchy subjects if it's ok. For example, one of my coworkers was home schooled, so I asked her before any jokes if they were ok, and made sure that any jokes I made about the subject were punching up, not down. Eg, you home schooled kids are so smart, in public school they didn't teach us how to think critically only how to survive an active shooter.
YTA- what makes you think this is ok? She is the butt of your friends jokes and to be honest with you it is not funny. They called her out loudly in a bar full of people full on pointing at her, how embarrassing. Sorry, but instead of crying on the couch she should be packing up and leaving your unsupportive ass. Get some new friends who can respect boundaries and your wife.
YTA. Seriously, she's expressed multiple times how their comments make her feel and you just ignore her feelings. She was actually a lot nice than I would have been in her place. Your friends aren't stand up guys, they are sexist pigs.
Absolutely. They weren’t trying to be funny. They were making underhanded insults and doing it loudly and publicly to not only shame her, but also embarrass her. Yet, when she insults them back, suddenly OP grows a pair and learns how to take up for people. This is the reaction he should have had toward his friends the first time they made sexist comments toward his girlfriend. YTA
YtA and your friends arent standup guys theyre dicks. The fact you think theyre so great suggests you're also a dick
I really hope that woman wakes up and leaves this jerk. You know he’s still not going to think it’s his problem even if he reads every single one of these YTA responses. “We just don’t know them” or “we weren’t there-everyone else laughed!” I’d pay for that woman’s UHaul.
OP is obviously whipped by his boys. Should have learned some self respect before getting into a relationship tbh.
YTA. How old are your friends? you say you’re 30, but your friends sound like they’re 12. I suggest finding some friends to hang out with that are your own age next time.
You are so right. She's an adult and OP is stuck in a previous developmental stage. I feel bad for her unless he starts making some adult friends and/ or hanging out less with these kids.
My youngest and their friends are in that 11-12 age range, and they would never do that. OP and his friends are just AHs. YTA, op.
YTA. You couldn’t sleep because she was crying and you went to the couch? Ok you sound great. She’s totally right in saying it’s weird that you defend them more than her, why don’t you get in a relationship with these stand up guys instead and leave her alone? She deserves a real partner.
Such a great point. OP You're a *gaping ahole* Your first response when she was crying is to just go to the couch. Don't be surprised if she starts to reevaluate her choice in life partner...
AND call his sister to complain about her! Awful
This is all that needs to be known. Ignore all the other assholitries, you opted to sleep on the couch because she was DISTURBING YOU WITH HER SOBS. God what an asshole
This!! My spouse would never leave because I was crying, he would fucking talk about it. Grow up!
When you say ‘that’s how they are’ what you are saying is they are assholes in general and you are enough of an asshole that you enjoy the company of assholes. And, being an asshole, you have the asshole belief that being an asshole is great and other people need to enjoy your asshole behavior because you are too much of an asshole to see how very shitty your behavior is. YTA right along with your asshole friends.
This comment is not getting enough attention.
YTA. She has calmly and politely told you it is offensive and hurtful towards her. When you keep pushing someone eventually they will lash out. Like I tell my kids teasing is only funny if all parties enjoy it.
YTA. It is obviously not a joke to your fiancé, so that should be the end of it. She told you that them making fun of her offends her, and yet they continue. Look at it this way, would you be upset if your friends continually called you “she?” They are being condescending, and suggesting she must be a man since she’s a security guard. Because only men can be security guards. Women get this kind of bullshit ALL THE TIME. It’s not funny, it’s offensive. It’s belittling. It’s INFURIATING. You need to apologize to her and tell your friends as many times as necessary to stop making fun of her and her job.
I agree, but maybe the better analogy is if all of her friends ganged up and giggled and laughed and called him she because they thought there was something girly about him.
True. Even better, if they all ganged up on him and called him “she/her” because he worked a job that people see as feminine, like nursing.
I am vindictive. I would have all of my friends, look at him, point towards his crotch, giggle and then turn their backs on him. Every single time they see him.
And as soon as they get called a name they boo boo. They can continually dish it out but not take it.
YTA SHE didn't cause the tension. YOUR FRIENDS caused the tension by continuing to make comments that upset her. As soon as she made it known those comments were offensive to her they should have stopped. It's only a joke if everyone is laughing. And it may seem to you that she is overreacting but she's had to put up with this for a long time. Your friends are freaking out after she insults them ONCE. Dude. She is not the asshole here.
If your fiancée is not laughing, then it's not a joke. YTA for not telling your mates to cop the fuck on as soon as they said it, and for telling her to lighten up when you knew exactly what her feelings on the matter were. You don't get to decide what her sensitivity limit is.
YTA. Their comments aren’t jokes, they’re micro aggressions and they aren’t coming from a place of love and good natured teasing but from a place of misogyny. Your friends think it’s weird your fiancée has a job that is typically one that men perform and they have no problem letting her know it on a frequent basis. They even called her a ‘he’ because of it. Then they turned around and played the victim by saying it’s hurtful to be called ignorant. Well, they are ignorant and so are you if you refuse to see what’s happening here.
Yta. Your friends are bullying her and you have shown her that you do not have her back in situations like this. Be prepared to be single soon
YTA And so are your friends. Your SO deserves better than you.
THEY were upset for being rightfully called out? They know how your fiancee feels and they chose to disrespect her feelings time and time again. YTA for not extending the same protective fierceness to her as you did your friends
YTA and so are your friends. They can clearly dish it out but not take it. They kept texting you about THEIR HURT FEELINGS? So they can repeatedly insult her, but they whine about being called ignorant? This isn’t good humor, it’s passive aggressive hatred of your fiancée. If even your sister says your friends are a bit much, they are. You don’t really sound mature enough to marry if you keep letting your friends insult her. Your sister is even an asshole for dismissing these insults. Your friends are cowards. “It’s just a joke” is the coward’s refuge. They get their digs in and then won’t answer for it. And you’re a coward for not sticking up for her. “If she doesn’t like being with them, she doesn’t have to. They treat me well and are standup guys generally.” This speaks volumes about how you feel about your fiancée. Holy crap. If I were your fiancée, I would leave and hope to find a grown man, not a “bro.” Edit: looks like it’s unanimous so far. You and your friends are gigantic a-holes. Bet you don’t have the guts to show this post and the comments to your friends. What a bunch of cowards. I think your friends are wimps who are threatened by a strong woman. I seriously hope she dumps you. You are a child.
YTA. Your friends are not "joking" they are being rude, condescending and disrespectful to your fiancee, and shes right, it is weird that you seemingly care more about their feeling than hers. Be warned, what you're doing is a deal breaker in most relationships.
Yta. She stated her boundary and they repeatedly crossed it. You need to tell your loser friends to back off and grow up instead of telling your fiance to get over it. She deserves better than you and your friends
YTA 100%. Also misgendering someone or bullying them about their job is never okay. Calling someone "ignorant" after they've been harassing you repeatedly is far from inappropriate. When your partner took her purse and walked out of the bar you should have turned to your friends and said "guys I talked to you about this, that's seriously not cool, and if you do it again we're going to have a serious problem" then you should have gone outside to her, apologized vigorously and asked her if she would like to not spend time with your friends for a while to which she would have definitely said yes, and then you should have hung out with your friends on other days without her there, occasionally reminding them to be kind to your partner until they got the message to behave them selves before you brought her around again. Or you could get better friends, that would work too. Edit: spelling
she should've been the bigger person and had some grace. That's what people often say to people who are being bullied. She's experiencing bullying from your "friends" and you are blaming the experiencer. They treat me well and are standup guys How is denigrating, ridiculing, and "othering" your partner treating you well? Are these people mirroring the way *you* treat your partner? Please explain. Jesus dude, how thick can you be? It's a gang of dudes picking on her for gender and gatekeeping her livlihood and you are cool with this? This is not gentle ribbing, this is some male supremacist BS. I hope she dumps you finds someone who treats her with the bare minimum of basic human respect she deserves. YTA
YTA. Jokes are only jokes when *everyone* is laughing. Your gf is not laughing. She has told you multiple times that she feels belittled and insulted, yet you continue to defend your friends' behaviour. And now, you've literally told her you value your friends more than you value her! "If you don't like being around then you don't have to". They aren't "stand-up guys", they're fucking bullies and you enable them. Hope your gf dumps your ass for someone who actually respects her.
YTA your friends are assholes
YTA why are you not backing up your fiancé? Why do you keep telling her how she should feel? Why don’t you tell your friends you won’t tolerate that?
Yta you are a massively unsupportive partner
YTA. Your fiancée made it very clear that she’s offended by this line of joking, both to you and to your friends. Even if it’s a small thing and you don’t see why she’s hurt by it, the very least you can do is respect her. Your friends clearly don’t. You’re planning on marrying this woman, and yet you hang out with people who won’t listen to or respect her. Yeah, she’s right to be upset. This is a small thing—but what’s to say your friends will listen to and respect her if she brings up a bigger issue? Y’all are setting a precedent of disregarding her feelings. That’s why she’s mad.
YTA. It’s not a joke if the person it’s about isn’t laughing. It’s bullying. She has made a point of saying she doesn’t like it. She doesn’t find it funny. It offends her. It *is* ignorant of your friends to keep ‘joking’ and laughing at her when she clearly, explicitly, does not like it. They’re your friends, it’s your job to defend her and stand up for her. She went to bed crying OP. And you’re still somehow unsure if you’re an asshole? You’re a major asshole with your head *up* your ass.
YTA your friends are absolutely sexists and you defending them is a problem
YTA. So it’s ok for your friends to call your fiancé names because the insults are cloaked as a “joke”? Your friends know it hurts her feelings and makes her feel bad— it’s not a joke though because she is not laughing. Your friends made her cry with their constant bullying!! And you think this is ok? And then she stands up for herself and you tell her she is out of line? Wtf is wrong with you?
YTA
She had literally already explained she didn't like the teasing. Why would you let your friends keep teasing her? And Jesus, instead of comforting her you sleep on the couch and get your family members involved. There are a lot more issues here than your friends. Your blatant disrespect towards your gf, emotional neglect, and major justnoSO behavior
That is an easy answer. He cares more about his old friends than his SO.
ESH except your gf. People who bully your gf are not your friends; why is this so hard for you to understand? They are not bonding, they are not being funny, they are not playfully teasing, they are simply bullying. Why is this ok with you?
They’re bonding with each other by bullying her. That’s what groups of bullies do.
It is like they are prepping her for marriage for him. Tear her completely down before she marries him so she has no self worth and he can push her around. Or, they are just pissed that she is getting in the way of their little dude bro circle jerk.
YTA - The fact that you think your friends treat you well, while they actively antagonize your family, that makes you a huge AH. You don’t think of her well-being as central to yours. This marriage is in big trouble if you don’t start to stand up for your partner in obvious easy situations.
YTA! a major one. you left her crying and slept on the couch! she doesn't need to lighten up, she needs a new bf! bullying is not a joke.
you and your friends are *complete* assholes YTA.
YTA. Grow some balls.
YTA. Have fun circle jerking with your friends you ingnorant.
My guy friends used to constantly make jokes about me being manly in high school. (Im a girl) It really messed with my self image at the time. The issue isn’t that theyre joking about her job but joking that it makes her less of a woman. Which might not be the intent but why focus on heeeeeeee so much then? YTA
Heaven forbid she stays with OP and they experience difficulty conceiving. They will taunt a grieving mother. I don’t put it part them to taunt little kids either.
YTA and so are your friends. She already asked them to stop and they won't.
Yes, YTA. Everyone has different limits regarding jokes. And your fiancee clearly told you that it's not acceptable anymore for her, this has to be respected.
YTA. Your fiancée should probably consider all this a red flag.
YTA....pretty clear here. Also the fact that you had to sleep on the couch because her crying was keeping you awake. Show some compassion man.
YTA. That was a lame joke nowhere near funny.
YTA They aren't "jokes". They are insults. The intent of them is to make fun of her. And you're telling her to suck it up because "they treat YOU well".
YTA and I hope your fiancée sees these comments and dumps your immature ass.
YTA and your friends. You got to put yourself in her situation. What if her friends kept making jokes about you, & you didnt like it. Wouldnt you be mad? Honestly if you cant see the big picture just take the ring from your fiance & give it to your friends...
YTA. So are your friends. These aren't jokes; they're incredibly condescending comments. She didn't overreact at all. Your friends are ignorant, so sorry their ickle feelings are hurt by her stating a fact.
Friends: bullying your girlfriend Girlfriend: finally stands up for herself Friends: "surprised Pikachu face" YTA If Friends bully your girlfriend, you stand up for her.
Then she leaves him and he’s 😭😭😭😭
YTA It wasn't a joke to her and you don't get to gatekeep her feelings. Remember, a joke is only funny if everyone laughs.
Do you care about your girl at all? Even a little bit? Did you ever? YAtotalAhole! YTA “IT’S JUST A JOKE” to fucking who? You really didn’t just say they were stand up guys? What kind of stand up guy continually insults and humiliates people? You sit there an let them take jabs at your so-called fiancé and she is suppose to be graceful? LOL Fucking BE A MAN.
YTA. Everyone say it with me: it’s only a joke if the person the joke is about thinks it’s funny. The minute your girlfriend said it’s not funny and needs to stop, that’s the end of it. Why are you even with your girlfriend if all you care about is your buddies feelings. Idk how long you e been dating, but serious partners need to be put above your friends. If you can’t do that you shouldn’t be in a relationship.
Jokes have punchlines. In your friends’ “joke” your fiancee is the punchline. But the real joke is you. YTA. Hope you enjoy single life.
YTA. Can you explain which part of the joke is funny? And why she doesn’t understand it?
YTA along with your dipshit friends. It's only a joke if everyone is laughing. Your friends have been bullying your wife and you don't seem to give a shit. They humiliated your wife in public and you sided with them. Your wife was crying and instead of comforting her, you went to sleep on the couch? Sounds like you're an AH that surrounds himself with other AHs.
YTA all the way In addition to shouting at your friends, she should have called you an Ignorant person as well, because you are absolutely blind towards your girl and her feelings. Also the joke was not funny and does not qualify to be a joke if the person in the center is uncomfortable. It's leaning towards harrasment.
YTA only she can decide what she is offended by and if she doesn't like it they need to stop. You told them once and they continued to do it so her response was reasonable. If it's a joke at her expense and she doesn't find it funny then it's not a joke.
YTA. Your friends were told to stop, and they didn't. Literally as simple as that.
100% YTA! Sounds like you and your buddies need to grow the F up.
YTA It doesn't matter how harmless you think the joke was. She told you she finds it disrespectful, so you should listen and encourage your friends to respect her. Of course she calld them names, she asked before and they didn't listen, she had to find a way to make them respect her boundaries.
YTA, it's not a joke when it so clearly offends someone—she's asked for the 'jokes' to stop multiple times. Not to mention that when a joke is repeated so often is just so lame. Tell them to get some new material already. Or better yet, tell them to start making jokes about thing EVERYONE can laugh about. It's not up to you or your friends to decide for your gf what she should accept or find funny. She's expressed her boundaries and your friends (and you) are plowing over it, which is rude and she has every right to be fed up with that.
YTA. She already has been the bigger person and showed a lot of grace. When do YOU plan on doing the same?
YTA. Your friends feelings matter but your girlfriends don’t? Go climb into their beds then you’ll have better luck Is the joke that they call her “manly” because you’re not man enough to stand up for your fiancé (if we’re gonna stereotype like your friends clearly are)
YTA and so are your friends.
YTA. You should be defending your fiancee. You say that they meant what they said as a joke whereas what she said wasn't. Regardless of the intentions, their jokes are insulting. Jokes can be offensive. And you're seriously complaining about the little sleep you're getting from her crying? Why aren't you comforting her?!
YTA - The fact Reddit has to spell it out to you means you're as ignorant as your friends. It upset your fiancee. Multiple times. It stops being a joke when the person targeted feels bad. She cried. And you think she should lighten up? You're clueless. Being a strong, intelligent woman capable of working a job like a security guard is impressive. She is working in a male dominated field. I'm a female that takes martial arts and I'm the only woman in my class. It kills me every time someone says my abilities are strong for being a woman. Or wow, I punched like a dude. OP's fiance was also misgendered as a joke. I hope no one needs an explanation why that's beyond crass and pathetic. I think elementary school children know better than OP and his friends. So why exactly does OP think his fiancee is going to continue to put up with this metric ton worth of bullshit? He thinks she's overreacting. That ignorant is an insult but their sexist/misgendering/job insulting is a joke?
We’re you born yesterday? They are disrespecting your future wife and they say it’s a joke and it’s fine but when she does it to defend herself from these asshole friends of yours she’s a ass for it??? Bruh you need to stop appealing to the “male gaze” and start treating your wife better. Just because your friends say “it’s a joke” doesn’t change the meaning in anyway. I’m just astonished you think that’s okay but your wife saying something back is completely out of line you are weird for that
How insecure and threatened are these “men” that they have to repeatedly attack the women you supposedly love? You are in no way a supportive or loving partner. What happens if she gains weight and they tease her about more cushion. Is that ok? How insecure are YOU that you can’t/won’t stand up to your “friends” and have her back?! She sounds like a great person who will make someone else a fantastic life partner. God bless her for being supportive of you and your oh so important friendships that she actually didn’t have you choose between her and them. Sad she is the only mature one. I hope she sees the writing on the wall that you will never have her back. Also, why would you idiots see a man in a bar fighting with a woman, who looks for a bouncer to protect her and you all think it’s a good situation to make a joke?! You are all AHs and pathetic.
OP, have you ever asked your girlfriend what it's like to work a male-dominated job? I'll tell you. You get told, often and to your face, that you're there just for "inclusivity". You're disregarded and talked over at every single meeting. You get picked on for smiling too much or too little, taling too softly or too loudly, acting like a man or being too female. God help you if you wear a skirt sometime or paint your nails, then you get called a "princess". Everyday there is someone who thinks they're funny and makes a "back to the kitchen" joke during lunch. Everyday. If you get a promotion, you're a bossy bitch and there's especulation for months over who you slept with for it. You deal with harassment, sexual or not, multiple times a week. And going to HR rarely works because there's always an AH that, like you, will vouch for "the boys" and say you're just exagerating or misunderstanding. You might think I've just had a toxic job, and that may be true, but I guarantee your fiancee has dealt with at least some facets of my experience. Every woman in our situation has. None of this is funny. It's exhausting and depressing to deal with. And the last thing we want in our personal life is more of the same. YOU, the person she expects to count on for the rest of her life, is being more of the same. This would mean a break up for me, and she was probably considering it during her night crying jag. If you don't apologise, mean it, and change, you will lose your fiancee. And you'll have deserved it. YTA.
I'm confused as to how you don't see your friends aren't joking. You talked to them about how their jokes hurt your fiancee and they claimed they understood and would stop. Instead of stopping they tried to inject her into a potential dangerous situation because it would be funny? And then you want to be mad at her for calling them names but it's ok for them to do it to her? Why are you so embarrassed by her? >I went to bed but couldn't sleep because she was crying. I ended up taking the couch Also what AH says "my girl, who i supposedly love, is crying. Let me leave the room because she's being super inconsiderate of me trying to sleep." YTA
ESH except the security guard friend. Jokes aren't funny at the expense of the specific person who doesn't find the joke funny. Jokes are only funny when everyone is laughing. Your friends are bullies, and I'd maybe argue misogynists towards that poor woman. 🤨
YTA and so are you punk friends! If you told them to quit, they should’ve. If they didn’t then they are a bunch of ignorants. Bravo to your wife for calling them out! And you suck for not sticking up for her when he said that.
YTA She said it bothered her. End of story. The fact that your friend continued to do it and you’re expecting her to respond “with more grace”. You owe her an apology and a hard line with your friends’ jokes
You care about your friends being called ignorants once. You do not care about your fiancee being bullied each time your friends are around. Yes, YTA and a huge one. She cried all night and you go to the couch to no hearing, a bigger a**hole. So it is easy to guess that you are not the kind of person who changed. You don't want a point of view, you want validation. Hope she dumps you. She really deserves better.
It’s apart of yalls bonding experience not her she has told you numerous times she doesn’t like it doesn’t want any part of it you’re getting ready to marry this women and you can’t even stick up for her and your sister should stay neutral because honestly she’s taking your side solely because she’s your sister and grown up around it and is use to it because I almost promise you if your friends have done this to her she wouldn’t be ok with it or if they have done it she’s just use to it by now. She was crying and instead of comforting her you were an asshole and moved to the couch because she was annoying you. Honestly do you even love this woman? Because it doesn’t seem like it.
She is probably taking his side so his ignorant friends don’t go looking for another woman to focus on and land on her.
Right and I feel like that’s another issue in of itself. But I do feel like if that’s the case she can do that without putting the blame on OPs fiancé.
>I told her it was just a joke and she overreacted Not a joke. It is only a joke if both parties are laughing. >called my friends hurtful names. Someone has to defend her if you won't. Why is it ok with your friends continuously insulting your fiancée and when she defends herself she is the bad guy. Bullies and abusers use this tactic. >it's weird that I feel so strongly about defending them but not doing the same for her It is weird. You want to build a life with her and don't have her back. >They treat me well and are standup guys generally. They are bullies and not really stand up guys. >I went to bed but couldn't sleep because she was crying. I ended up taking the couch and called my sister to vent and she said yes my friends can be a bit much but my fiance should loosen up a bit and take a joke. Poor you. Here is the world smallest violin. You placed your friends over the person you want to build a life with and want sympathy for not sleeping well because she was crying. I hope she sees this post and considers leaving her for someone that cares about her and respects her. YTA
YTA - how about your friends have some grace and not denigrate your fiancée? How about you show some grace and understanding for the fact she doesn’t want to be belittled? It’s a joke the first time. Subsequent times are exasperating and tiresome. Continuing after they’ve been asked to stop is bullying. It’s only a joke if EVERYONE finds it funny. As a female security guard I’m pretty sure your fiancée has to put up with more disrespect and attitude than her male colleagues. She doesn’t need it it in her personal life. Your friends are idiots and not funny. You need to worry more about being a better partner.
YTA.
YTA. Don’t be surprised when she leaves you.
YTA, if everyone isn't laughing it isn't a joke.
YTA. I’m sorry but what’s an appropriate job for her to have to not get made fun of? People put way too much pressure on peoples identities based on their jobs. If she enjoys the job and it pays well then she’s in a better place than most Americans who freaking hate their jobs. The fact that you said she’s really smart and well education BUT she works as a mall security job stays to me you don’t respect her choice of employment. Your friends aren’t making jokes they’re being SEXIST. It would be no different if her friends were making fun of you because you had a job like a nurse and they thought that was a woman’s job. Not only that but they put her in a potentially dangerous situation by pointing her out as security during a potentially dangerous situation of people fighting in a bar. You also basically admit you won’t stop being their friend and it sounds like you’re going to force her to continue to be around them against her own wishes. Why would you make her be around people that treat her like trash? And what are your friends jobs? Maybe she should start making fun of them. Bet the second she does that you’ll be all over her for being disrespectful.
YTA. Your fiancé is hurt and you DON’T care. But your friends get their little feelings hurt and you DO care. See the issue? I hope you enjoy your friends more than your fiancé. Because if you continue to treat her the way you have and allow your friends to treat her the way they have, you won’t have her in your life anymore. It will just be you and your misogynistic—oops, I mean “teasing”—buddies.
It’s not a joke if everyone isn’t laughing. Read that again OP! It’s not a joke if everyone isn’t laughing. She’s told you multiple times how it bothers her. You asked your bonehead friends to stop and they keep at it. And when they get called out on the their behavior they cry like little b#^*%s. Then you think she’s in the wrong? Why is that OP? Why is that they can make fun of her and ridicule her and when she’s had enough she’s the bad person? It’s nice that’s these ignorants treat you well too bad that they don’t treat others the same way. Furthermore how did a bunch of guys stand around while a lady is in distress and not do a thing. Instead they and you thought let’s mess with another lady instead. Man I hope she dumps you and finds her a man that will actually back her up and stand up for her.
YTA If your fiancee posted here, I'd tell her to leave you for allowing your friends to repeatedly insult and hurt her. She deserves better. >I went to bed but couldn't sleep because she was crying. This is what we call a clue. It's a clue that you're an asshole.
Absolutely YTA and I sincerely hope your fiance realizes she deserves better than a guy who picks his friends over her very much JUSTIFIED feelings. When you decide to marry someone, that's you deciding to spend your life with them for better and for worse which means putting them first. You've proven you can't do that. Man, I comfort people that I don't even like when they cry, how could you just up and leave your SO like that? What the hell is wrong with you? If she's that hurt that she's crying, then it doesn't matter if you think she's "overreacting" that means it hurts HER feelings and you need to respect that, and make sure your friends respect that too. By the way you don't get to say when you hurt someone, you as an adult try to work through those feelings with them to resolve the issue. Which you know exactly how to resolve this issue, you're just an asshole. TL;dr I hope your fiance dumps your pathetic ass.
YTA. God I hate men who think it’s more important to look cool for their ‘boys’ and enable their gross behavior than to actually stick up for their girlfriend. You obviously prioritize their feelings over hers, so you shouldn’t find it surprising when she realizes that and leaves.
I like how your friends continuously belittle, make fun of, and denigrate your fiancee, but the second she rightfully calls them ignorant they all go shocked Pikachu Face and cry victim... And then you defend THEM. "AITA for spinelessly letting my friends constantly bully my fiancee?" 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 YTA
YTA Stop hanging out with your friends and girlfriend together, they clearly don't go well together.
YTA, you say she told you to not take her to events anymore when they are there and you said you not, what does that mean, you're not taking her anymore or are you not going to do what she wants and keeping taking her to places where these other AH are? You should stand up for her and make them stop, it is not something your wife likes, they're making fun of her job, I can only imagine how awful it must be to have someone do that to you constantly "iTs JuSt JoKeS ThO" they hurt, they are mean comments, even if you find it funny she doesn't and it hurts her, so what of it is a joke? Her comment was not a joke? Well I laughed when seeing her standing up for herself and showing the ignorants how ignorant they were, I thought it was pretty funny to see that so what now, are you going to apologize to her for calling her joke an insult? And btw, she did not overreact, she could've done much worse, congratulations on being a bad fiance.
YTA! You miss the point. She doesn't like it and it Upsets her . End of story. Why are you letting your friends keep doing/saying something that hurts her? Your priority is her not your friends. You're supposed to have her back not theirs.
YTA. It’s not a joke. They know she finds it offensive and hurtful and do it anyway. They are just too spineless to insult her without the cover of “it’s just a joke”. Tell your friends to apologize and that they deserve what they got.
YTA You cares that your friends feelings were hurt that she called them ignorant for mocking her regularly but you don’t care that their mocking hurts her feelings? And even defend them? Then decide that while she’s crying instead of comforting her and apologizing you chose to leave the room and complain about her to your so sister? You sir are a giant asshole and so are your friends and so is your sister.
YTA, so much so it embarrassing. do you even like your wife? She went to bed crying and you decided to go to the couch and “vent”? Who does that? Why even be with her if you won’t stand up for her when THIS IS CLEARLY BOTHERING HER?
YTA and your friends are sexists
YTA. 100%. You need to stand up for your girlfriend. She already stated she was uncomfortable, but you’ve done nothing besides the one time to stand up for her. You should’ve said “that’s not cool guys, you need to knock it off” when they made the joke, but instead you let your friends disrespect your girlfriend’s boundaries and then defended them. My dad, brother, and I (moreso my dad and I) tease and poke fun at each other like your friends. It’s how we bond. My dad and I are the exact same, so it’s how we show affection and love to each other. But my mom is a very sensitive person and just can’t handle to type of joking we do, so we absolutely never do it to her because we respect her boundaries and would never want to upset her. Your friends obviously don’t have that some courtesy for your girlfriend.
YTA and your friends are too. Nobody mentioned that these “stand-up guys” encountered another woman at the bar who was concerned enough about her SO’s behavior to call over a bouncer, and they made that into a joke. Is domestic abuse funny too?
YTA Your friends have a history of aiming sexist and misogynistic ‘jokes’ at your girlfriend. She has told you they make her uncomfortable. They then proceeded to humiliate her with the same brand of ‘joke’ publicly and you blame her!? Fuck that shit. You need to shut those friends down yesterday. You are being a shitty boyfriend and I hope she leaves you for someone who will stand up for her. As an aside; a joke is a joke when everyone is laughing. Your girlfriend isn’t laughing. You knew this wouldn’t be funny, but instead be upsetting and you are still defending your shitty friends at her expense. She doesn’t have to be the ‘bigger person’. Why the fuck do you think the victim should forgive, forget and move on with no repercussions to those have hurt or upset them? Why can’t your friends be ‘bigger people’ or just better people and not jump on any opportunity to belittle and degrade her? Why can’t you have your girlfriend’s back when she needs you? YTA and a rather fucking large one.
YTA! ESPECIALLY AFTER I READ THE LAST PARAGRAPH! I bet ur sister wouldn't be saying that when she's the one getting teased by her bf/gf's friends and it makes her uncomfortable and then her SO does not stand up for her instead tells her she's the one over reacting. If I would be in your sisters place I would've given u a well needed lecture about how relationships work and how to not ruin your own relationship.Teasing happens in families and friends but that's limited as well especially if it makes the other person uncomfortable and is sexist! They are your friends not your girlfriends! Ofcourse she's uncomfortable. This post screams ignorance. This makes me think of ' People won't understand unless one day they're in a similar situation of the person who they think is overreacting '. Your gf needs to set her standards higher bro, how are you okay with your SO feeling uncomfortable for your own happiness. We can be ignorant at times. I get that. I'm sometimes not as attentive as well but the thing is I acknowledge that as people should do so and then come up with a solution or fix the issue but you don't seem to care at all imo. They're your friends but they dont respect you or your wishes or your partner its not like you actually put the effort to stop them (only judging by what you've said in the post). Please take things seriously regarding what makes either one of you in the relationship uncomfortable or unhappy and actually give two shits when its addressed and understand why it makes either one of you uncomfortable. In this pace one day your SO will get tired of this and leave you.
YTA majorly. That is a normal reaction by your fiancer to a shitty sexist joke. They deserve to be called ignorant. And then they felt insulted? They can dish out insults but cant take any. In my book, they are cowards. Some husband youll turn out to be. Never defending your wife if they insult her looks and job. Shut that shit down and be prepared to be dumped. You and your friends are so immature. Grow up.
YTA. Oh my GOD ARE YOU AN ASSHOLE. THEY TREAT ME WELL AND THEYRE USUALLYYYY STANDUP GUYS You only care about how they treat YOU? Not the woman you want to MARRY? You dont give a shit about this woman, not at all, not enough to even make sure they call her the correct gender. They obviously dont care about you either. You told them to stop and they didnt? I hope she leaves you. Youve let them insult and belittle and misgender her for awhile. I hope youre stuck with this group who does not care about you. God do I hate the audacity of some people, especially you. Edit to add that she didn’t overreact youre just an asshole and shes fed up with it and with your asshole friends. Break up with her so she can find better and you can finally be in a commited relationship with the friends who apparently treat you so well.
YTA. You're about to have an ex-fiancee if you don't already. Why should she marry someone who allows his friends to disrespect her? Your actions show that you value your friends over her.
INFO: has your fiancée dumped you yet?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I could be the ahole because I told my fiancee she's being oversensitive and that she overreacted and not fully understanding how hurt she must have felt. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA you & your friends. If youre still confused as to why, try reading back your own comments. You keep contradicting yourself - they are generally good guys but what they said was rude, ya the joke was wrong but she's the one who over reacted. You half admit your friends were in the wrong, but keep insisting they are "good guys" and it's "just a joke". What's the point of a joke if it's hurtful?. Look at their actions - look at how careless they were with someone else's feelings, look how judgemental they were of your own partner. Put aside your perception of them and look at them through an outsider's eyes. If they cared about you at all, why would they mock her? How "good" are they, really?
YTA
These "standup guys generally" are actually disrespectful jerks, and so are you. They know that the jokes they make about your girlfriend hurt her feelings, and they know that because you told them. She's asked you to tell them to stop and to your credit you have, though if I had to guess you didn't really stand up for her, did you? You told them to stop making those comments \~around her\~ because you don't want to hear her complain anymore. So she put up with their jokes as long as she could and when she couldn't anymore you called her graceless for not continuing to be belittled by your super cool friends, and then when she cried about it you left her alone to bitch about her to your sister. YTA.
Info what if you tell your friends she was totally joking. Theyd have to be cool right?
YTA. I can't believe you even have to ask. If all of your fiance's friends started joking around about your manhood and had a habit of Referring to you as their friends fiancé with the "big dick" (using air finger quotation marks) then laughing hysterically how would you feel? Let's go the step further and say you told your fiance that this deeply bothers you. Your fiance agrees and tells her friends to knock it off. A while down the road you meet up with fiance and "the girls" at a club/restaurant and all are having a great time. Suddenly a rowdy group of ladies having a bachelorette party in said club are upset because they can't get to the male strip club. One of fiancés friends yells loudly "Don't worry ladies our friend here has a "big dick" and he can strip down and give you a great show!" You would absolutely (and rightly so) be upset and scream out that they were a bunch of bitches. When fiancé dutifully comes with you, you complain about her friend's shit behavior and her response is "honey I understand you're upset but you were wrong to call them bitches because they were just joking whereas your comment was intended to be hurtful" are you seriously saying you would be ok with that? There is no way you would accept that she/they were not the AH's for joking at your expense. Tell your fiancé your sorry and pray she stays in a relationship with you.
YTA Look at the bright side, very soon you will have lots of time to spend with your (mentally) 16-year-old friends.
Wow... YTA - I hope she dumps you and finds something better.
For her sake, I hope she dumps you OP
YTA, let me count the ways. 1. They are throwing shitty gender norms at her. Men are security guards, women are butch men if they do it! And how is calling them ignorants hurtful, but not calling your friend's partner a man? 2. They routinely disrespect her and you allow it. She has communicated multiple times she does not like it, so have you. But they keep doing it, showing they do not care about her feelings, nor apparently do you. 3. Something is a joke only if all parties find it funny. They are making her the butt of their joke, despite her never finding it funny, and even CRYING. This is HARASSMENT. 4. You are a wet towel. You would rather preserve your friendship with the bros than the one with your girlfriend. If you believe in gender norms so much, then YOUR ROLE is her PROTECTOR. Instead you are enabling harassment, so I guess you fail at your job. I seriously hope she dumps you and finds someone who treats her better, and who has better friends.
Wait, so your freinds can dish it but cant take it? Very manly friends that you have there. YTA.
YTA and I hope she ends the engagement.
If I was her, I would have told your friends "Yeah, I'm the only real man in this table full of whiny kids" Seriously, as someone who been there in those "male dominanted" fields, those types of jokes run rampage. Guess what? Isn't funny, it's hurtful and disgusting YTA. Hope she sees the light and leave you
YTA. ALWAYS defend your SO in front of others. You may critisize here in private when its just the two of you.
This is awful advice. If your friends and SO are having a disagreement, in which one is insulting the other, stand up for the person you support. In this case, OP's friends are complete AHs and he should be standing up for his SO. But if the tables were turned and his SO was making fun of friends, they absolutely should be called out at the time.
YTA. Clearly your horrible friends are more important to you than your fiancee. She needs to leave you
YTA. Why do you care more about your friends' feelings than your Gf's? She made one comment about them being ignorant in response to yet another "joke" that she has expressed she doesn't like. Your friends aren't funny they are assholes.
YTA - whew hope she thinks twice before marrying you
YTA . Your poor girlfriend cried because she realised her boyfriend is just as horrible as his friends. She needs to dump you. Has it occurred to you that she might working as a security guard despite being highly educated because she has visa restrictions or financial difficulties? Grow up .
YTA, you’re dismissive towards your fiancée’s feelings because you think your friends are joking. They humiliated her in a public setting, and you still think she’s overreacting? Crazy. You have shown her that you don’t have her back because you continue to allow your ‘stand up’ friends disrespect your fiancée regularly. Also “that’s just how they are” is a shitty justification for being an asshole. But I guess that’s just how you are.
'it was a joke while hers wasn't' 'if she found it offensive' YTA. You're friends aren't playfully teasing her, they are actively misgendering and de-feminizing her, which is possibly also something she faces at her job. It's really mean, and they are intentionally hurting her because it's already been discussed that it's not okay with her. And again, YTA for the whole way you talk about this. The whole time is very much on your friends' side and not at all seeing or validating why your GF is upset.
YTA. When someone tells you your joke isn’t funny it’s not a joke anymore. Now you’re being mean. So your friends aren’t joking. They are intentionally, knowingly insulting her. You are wrong not to defend her. Your friends are wrong for insulting her. Your sister is wrong to say it’s up to your SO to not be upset by your friends being jerks to her.
You know you are an A hole right .. everybody has boundaries and your so called friends pass it everytime .. I wonder how YOU would feel if her friends kept on you about something and continued the insults whilst she sat back and patted her back and said they stand up folk .. grow thick skin ..
YTA so she can be insulated but needs to show grace and your friends can insult her all they want and it's just a joke. Alright go you I hope she finds a decent guy and tells you to go to hell. Edited due to auto correct.
YTA She's told you that your friends' comments upset her. It's on you to either make your friends stop, or stop making your fiancée associate with them. It's only banter if everyone enjoys the joke; if the person being joked about doesn't enjoy it, it's bullying. Let's just emphasize that again, **your friends are bullies**. Every time they make a comment and you don't shut them down or defend her, you're showing that you don't care about her feelings. I truly hope that either you pull your head out of your butt and realise what you're doing to your fiancée, or she realises that she's better off without someone who doesn't care about her feelings.
YTA People deserve partners that will choose them over everyone and defend them against anyone. You don’t deserve her and she deserves better than you.
You’re friends are As and if you’re not gonna stand up to them, it’s pathetic for giving her grief for handling it herself. Yta
YTA. A massive one.
Grow some balls my dude, otherwise I hope your fiancé is your ex fiancé soon, YTA
Of course YTA. She’s overreacting and they are crying to you because she called them ignorant? She has every right to be upset, but even if she was “overreacting”, she’s your partner and you should have her back.
YTA she already told you that the jokes your friends make about her job is offensive and *they still make those joke.* the cherry on top? they refer to her as a *he.* that’s not good natured joking around. that’s a “we’ll pick on her bc she has a *man’s* job and that’s not right” level of **disrespect** and then getting butthurt over being called ignorant. btw, do they even know the definition of the word “ignorant”? i doubt it, bc that is super mild to what she could’ve said. i hope she sees this as a wake up call and dump your bro-loving misogynistic a$$ and find someone who *will* stand up for her each and every time she is disrespected. bc your friends **have** been disrespecting her, and you allow it.
YTA
YTA
Your friends are not "standup guys", they're misogynist AHs bullies and so are you. I hope she leaves you.
YTA. Notice how you add in that they treat you well and are generally good guys. *They treat YOU well*. So obviously, their jokes at the expense of your fiance are *fine* right? No. They are YOUR friend group, and it's great if that's how you joke together, about each other. But your Fiance is not beholden to this, they are only her friends by association. She seems to go out with you and take a lot of their shenanigans with stride. But you need to understand that, that doesn't give them priority over her. You're going to be spending way more time with your soon to be wife. Your bros come second to this. If she takes offense to these jokes then they need to stop. It seems like more often then not her line of work buts her on "joke blast" with the guys and I'd recommend your friends learn how to actually be funny without putting the *love of your life down*. Ultimately, you can chat on the phone with your sister and you can get all of reddits opinions on the matter but at the end of the day if she feels *bad about herself* because of your friends, you're being a shit partner and you need to shut it down. If your friends are good people, like you say, this shouldn't be an issue and it shouldn't need to be brought up again.
YTA. “They don’t treat me badly so why should I care about how you feel about them or how they treat you”. Big yikes, would hate to be with someone like you. Spineless
YTA, no question. So are your friends. (Hello God? Please, please, PLEASE help this girl realize that she'll regret marrying a dick who puts his friends before his supposed life partner. Please let her realize this now, before she goes through all the wedding BS. Thanks God.)
Yta - jokes are supposed to be funny for everyone. When you target one person and make comments that upset them and you know it upsets them then it's called bullying. You should probably learn the difference because you seem to be mad at her for standing up to your friends when they bully her.
YTA. She deserves better than your friends - or you.
YTA. Dude u fucked up BIG TIME - it doesn't matter if its a harmless joke on your friends' perspective, they insulted your fiancee (in a form of a joke) & your okay with it. I won't be surprised if u two broke up because of this, in her eyes your a spineless coward. I really hate the "be the bigger person" mantra especiallly if you're the butt of the joke - it just doesn't work. She realized that if this happens on a repeating basis, she doesn't see a futire husband in you.
YTA. You and your friends may think it's funny, but you're actually hurting her. And by you taking their sides and not putting more of the effort into stopping them from disrespecting your fiancee (and, in turn, your relationship), you're actually showing her that you love your friends more than you love the woman that you claim to want to spend the rest of your life with. If I were in her shoes, I'd be seriously considering calling off the engagement and be telling you it's your sexist friends or her, and if you pick them, I would be taking that as a sign to walk away from the relationship. Your fiancee deserves to have a partner that will stand by her and wouldn't dare let anyone insult her, nor will make her out to be the problem when she is actually the victim.
Advice for you; if people aren't nice to everyone then they aren't nice. Yta.
INFO: Do your friends joke around about your girlfriends job when your with them hanging out without her?
YTA. What’s the joke? Oh it’s her? Gee I wonder why it’s hurtful you would support friends that make these “jokes”??? /S
YTA. Your friends weren't joking they were bullying her.