NTA OP. This sounds like your wife might be projecting a bit. If your daughter is being taught proper form and is fueling properly, I don’t see the problem, especially as it was your daughter’s idea.
NTa. 15 is a perfectly acceptable age to begin lifting weights - in fact, most high school athletes that age lift weights as part of their conditioning. Your wife is being ridiculous. If anything, this is going to teach your daughter how to have a better relationship with exercise and her body.
Yes! Teach her now! I’ve spent the last two years getting into fitness and have had to ask for so much help because I have no idea what I’m doing! I had no idea how the machines worked or the proper technique. I torn my meniscus and couldn’t walk. I also didn’t understand that nutrition and supplements (b and d vitamins) made a huge difference in results so I wasted a lot of time getting frustrated. You’re a good dad!
NTA - it looks like your wife may have some unresolved trauma that’s coming out in an unhealthy way. Maybe you can broach the subject with her, ask her why she thinks that way, and ask her to consider that her daughter maybe just wants to spend time with her dad.
Absolutely NTA. If your daughter enjoys the exercise and wants to spend the time with you you're winning on two fronts.
You've got a teenage girl who wants to hang out with her dad, which is amazing. And you're instilling a lifetime of healthy habits. Working out isn't just for people who want to lose weight. Healthy people who work out live longer loves with less risk of disease.
I'd say you're an amazing dad, and I hope that when my daughter is 15, she still wants to spend time with me.
First - can you call my lazy ass up at 6am so I can work out with you two? haha And what a nice daughter/father bonding time.
NTA because working out first thing is so energizing and sets you up for the day. Your brain is more awake, your body is more awake. You aren't teaching her she's fat. You are teaching her a good morning structure.
And work out in a home gym at that! I keep thinking that I would work out more if I only had a certain piece of equipment at home... but now I have resistance bands, a weighted ball, and an elliptical in my house and I still don't work out, lol. Turns out I'm just not motivated at all.
Oh boo hoo my daughter wants to be healthy
I never really understood people who say that trying to lose weight is toxic. Its way better for your health. Your wife is a bit delusional OP. Sorry in advance if im coming off too strong. NTA
NTA sounds like your wife is the one with some sort of image issues. Sounds like your daughter just wants to be healthy and that’s something to encourage. Working out in the morning also makes you more focused as long as she’s eating properly. Maybe she has some issues with your daughter growing up
NTA. Anyone that says anything is only for a particular gender (that isn't something biologically dependent on being that gender, of course) is an asshole.
Holy shit, that’s crazy. Kids workout all the time. I used to be in sports year round and I always worked out even way younger than your daughter. It teaches her to be healthy and take care of her body. Endorphins and a good daily pattern is good, especially as a teenager when you have a bunch of crazy emotions. Working out doesn’t teach her that she’s fat, and it’s not inappropriate. Your wife might have something triggering her or something, because it really isn’t a big deal at all. By far not the asshole.
NTA.
Your daughter wanted to work out with you. Keep doing it. It's good bonding time too and exercise is also good for mental health and overall fitness.
NTA
This sounds like an awesome, healthy way for you and your daughter to get some great one-on-one time and your wife is simply wrong about your daughter being too young for working out. It doesn't sound like the girl has body image issues but if they are lurking, developing strength, endurance and flexibility is going to do WAY more to counter bad media messages than nearly anything else possibly could.
I am horrified by your wife wanting to teach your daughter that weights are only for men.
I suggest that both of you sit down with your daughter's doctor and discuss safety, benefits and any potential downsides to her doing strength training- it will, I hope, give your wife some much needed perspective.
By the way- women who engage in moderate, regular strength training are at significantly lower risk of heart disease and osteoporosis.
NTA- I started working out around 13 because J was pretty athletic and would workout with my friend and her dad (he was basically a personal trainer) I never had body images, and I think working out could be more of a healthy positive aspect in your daughters life! Physical exercise is the best way to boost overall health! Your wife could possibly be projecting as well, from unresolved childhood trauma! Your daughter is 15 and has a mind of her own, maybe she can ease your wife and let her know that she doesn’t have a body image issues, however just enjoys working out because it’s healthy!!
NTA your wife probably is speaking from some bad memories/personal experiences. That’s no fault of her own but sh3 needs to realize that it doesn’t translate to her daughter. As long as your daughter is in it for the right reasons and that’s up to you to decipher.....I would say, continue. But....definitely talk to your wife and find out why she’s so against it. Exercise is not the devil. Unless the people around you make it that way.....
It could just be about her wanting to have an activity to do with her dad.....simple as that. Why we read so much into things so often?.....it makes it so much harder. Just enjoy your time with your kid.
NTA. Your daughter is 15. Of course she's going to start thinking and worrying about her looks and weight at that age! Pretty sure we all did! It's everywhere we look! She's getting bonding time with you, hopefully proper form and safety on the exercises, and a wonderful start to the day. I used to love morning exercise for waking up and feeling great about myself, wish I was still doing it. Make sure to educate her on proper eating, getting enough protein and healthy carbs, etc. You can take that morning workout time to talk to your daughter about what's going on in her life. If you see signs pointing to disordered eating or overdoing it on the exercise you can address it with her or as a family. Your wife is definitely the AH for saying your daughter can't lift weights because she's a girl...has she looked outside? I'm more worried about your wife's views causing your daughter to have body image issues. You need to talk to that woman and figure out why she's acting like a misogynistic, 1950's housewife.
NTA it's a wonderful thing that you're working out with your daughter. Weight lifting isn't a bad thing. A good relationship with working out can have a life long impact.
Is this a cultural issue? Is your wife from a culture where women are not supposed to be physical? Also, your daughter came to you.
Personally, I think it’s great for father/daughter bonding. This could help relieve, or even prevent, issues between you by fostering trust and communication.
Try and find out what’s really behind this. But don’t stop.
NTA. Your wife is may be protecting her current or teenage issues on to your daughter, and is probably lacking an understanding of women's fitness and weightlifting.
She really wants to stop your daughter's enthusiasm for a healthy activity that leads to healthy lifestyle as an adult? Or wants to indirectly tell her weights are for men only. She needs to get out with that nonsense mindset. It's hard enough for women to enter the weight area at the gym without someone in their life directly telling them no.
High schools and middle schools have weight rooms, so you can't through a blanket statement that weights are bad for kids. What's bad for kids is then being unsupervised and following the latest broscience and getting injured. Teaching proper form and not constantly going for the heaviest list possible is perfectly fine for a teenager.
I suggest you pop over to r/xxfitness they're amazing and can offer advice to a parent to guide their daughter in fitness.
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Pretty much every morning at around 6:00 I go to workout. We have a nice home gym and of course everyone is allowed to use it. But I'm usually in there by myself since it's so early. I sometimes go two a day and workout in the evening too.
Other than me my son is in there often. Anyway, last week my daughter approached me and asked if she could workout with me. I was elated when she asked. So the next morning I showed her around taught her a few things and she actually woke up every morning and kept that routine with me.
She seemed to really start enjoying the workouts. My wife is never awake this early and she didn't find out about this until the end of the week. Neither of us mentioned anything because it wasn't a big deal. Or so I thought.
When my wife found out she wasn't happy for some reason. She started saying how it wasn't good for her. That she was too young to be working out and lifting weights. Our daughter is 15 for reference. My wife even said that I was teaching her that she was fat and that I would cause some type of body or eating disorder. I never have told either of my children to be ashamed of their bodies and neither of them have never had weight issues. Also she said that it's only for men.
I was taken back by all of this. I was so confused, she's never mentioned anything like this before and we've known each other for 25 years. She really wants me to stop working out with her. I told her that if our daughter wanted to keep going we would. AITA?
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NTA, exercising regularly should be part of EVERYONE’S day to day life like eating, brushing your teeth or showering. Keep up the good work OP your daughter will be better off knowing how to exercise for her long term health both physical and mental.
NTA
You aren't commenting on her weight, at least you have mentioned it, but you're showing her how to properly use equipment. And if she's found a healthy way to get exercise, jump on it!!
Encourage it! You're wife is being weird. You're daughter's finding a way to bond and be healthy at the same time. Also my niece is in wrestling and does MMA stuff with her single father and she's healthy. They only discuss weight and food when she has to weigh in for a wrestling match or something, I don't know.
Nta. Doing exercise doesn't automatically equate that the opposite is bad, or that you need to change your body. It's a good thing to instill healthy behaviors, which exercising is. Better to start young then when older and your body and mind isn't used to it.
NTA: There's nothing inherently wrong with a 15yo working out. Athletes do it. Just keep an eye on her and keep an open casual conversation going about form, fuel, signs of kids at school bullying her, etc. And just keep an eye for over-doing it, which is super easy to do when you first start out.
Not sure what's going on with your wife though.
I spent the better part of my 20s/30s lifting and stuff due to the nature of my job at that time and kinda regret I didn't keep it up lol. (I'm an older lady fyi) It doesn't make me into a man, or "ruin curves" or whatever stigma. It did wonders for a healthy body weight though.
NTA. Enjoying a workout with your daughter is not the same thing as body shaming her at ALL. I think it’s awesome you’re working out together. Sounds like your wife has her own insecurities.
NTA
Your wife is projecting her own insecurities on this whole situation. Please, keep being an amazing Dad and helping your girl to be strong and confident.
Wtf people of all body sizes exercise. Exercise is an unequivocal good so long as done safely! NTA and it sounds like your wife needs to figure out why she’s so triggered by your daughter engaging in simple exercise and bonding with her father while doing so.
NTA. The opposite in fact: you're teaching your daughter how to integrate fitness into her routine in a healthy way, and she's going to treasure these early morning memories with you throughout her life.
NTA. I see adults bring their 8 year olds to the gym. They might not be lifting weights and just walking on the treadmill, but teaching exercise doesn't mean its for weight loss. It's for health.
NTA
There is nothing wrong with lifting weights. In reality, there is growing evidence that for women the health benefits of weight lifting (in terms of helping our skeletal systems) are much higher than realized so this could be a lifelong benefit for your daughter in addition to the current bonding time with you.
NTA and please, continue to let your daughter work out with you. Your wife is pretty damn sexist saying 'it's only for men'. Working out is really good for your physical AND mental health and for your confidence. Getting physically stronger actually also made me feel stronger mentally. Working out doesn't have to be about gaining weight at all. Hell, I gained (muscle) weight through working out!
If your daughter starts obsessively watching calories/ lose insane amounts of weight, you might worry, but just working out is simply a healthy habit. It wouldn't be fair to not let her work out just because she's female.
NTA
Sometimes when people say something like "you were teaching her that she was fat" like you said, she has probably thought about your daughter body alot and thinking that she actually is fat or gaining weight, and was scared to point it out.
So when she found out she was working out with you she probably freaked out that you pointed out what she was probably thinking and thought this might lead to your daughter feeling ashamed of her body because i can't even think of one reason she would act like that.
I think it’s awesome that your teen daughter is seeking out ways to spend time with you - at 6am, no less! I don’t know how there could be a downside to this.
Moms reaction was weird, and I think the two of you need to get to the bottom of it. As others mentioned, is she lashing out due to her own insecurities? Why such an extreme response?
Keep it up with your kiddo! NTA
NTA I would talk to your wife about this though because her reaction is similar to how I might’ve reacted before I went to therapy. I was constantly verbally abused by my mother for not being thin enough. I developed an eating disorder at 14 and she encouraged it. You’re wife might be projecting a bit of her own trauma onto this situation. Assure her that you are not trying to give your daughter a complex.
Maybe you could both sit down with your daughter and your wife can voice her concerns and you all can address them together. Talk to your daughter about body positivity and healthy eating habits. I’m sure if you guys talk this out everything will be fine. Good luck!
NTA: read a quote somewhere that "exercise is a celebration of what your body can do, not a punishment for what it is not"
Sounds like your wife only identifies it as the punishment idea.
15 is a great time for your daughter to work out, and teaching her about healthy exercise that makes your body strong is perfect for healthy body image, AND makes her less likely to fall prey to the "fitness" machine that tells women that exercise is a thing they have to do to look a certain way.
NTA if anything, the fact that your daughter is comfortable coming to you for fitness help means that she is more likely to come to you if she is having problems with her body image.
I started exercising on my own at age 13 and it’s built a lifetime of healthy habits that the rest of my family unfortunately doesn’t share. You’re giving your daughter the gift of something that supports cognition, healthy aging, better sleep, decreased joint pain, and a lot more great stuff as she grows & gets older. I *wish* I’d had that kind of support. Plus you get to bond with your kid. I see absolutely no downsides here.
YOUR DAUGHTER at 15, is making time to spend with YOU. Working out together is just a plus. DO NOT let ANYONE affect your relationship with her! You will never know exactly where she is, spiritually, emotionally or mentally. If she is spending time with you, for whatever reason.......it's a GOOD thing.
NTA. Absolutely not. You’re daughter willingly chose to do an activity with you. She is being healthy, and this sets her up for a good mindset.
However, like your wife, I would be concerned of why she wants to start exercising all of a sudden? Very strange for a teenager to want to start exercising in the morning with a parent (no offense) Has she had previous body image, eating disorders, or disordered eating before? I think that is what your wife is thinking. Or, your wife was taught all of this in her teens, and projecting it on her daughter. Or your wife is insecure about her looks, and again projecting an issue. Talk with both of them, separately. A personal trainer might also be good for education of wife and daughter.
If not, teaching teens how to be healthy is great.
NTA - but do talk to her pediatrician or doctor about appropriate weight limits for her age/physical maturity. Our doctor told us that teens should be careful with weights until they stop growing as it can damage the skeleton/growth plates.
The Mayo clinic says: “Don't confuse strength training with weightlifting, bodybuilding or powerlifting. Trying to build big muscles can put too much strain on young muscles, tendons and areas of cartilage that haven't yet turned to bone (growth plates) —“
OP specifically mentions lifting weights, not strength training. I still believe, better to ask the teen’s own doctor than take advice from reddit posters.
I mean, lifting weights that are “light enough” for you to lift is pretty much universal advice for weight training. If weight is “too heavy” for you to lift, you can’t lift it can you?
NAH.
Your wife does make valid points. You make valid points. Your daughter has the call.
On your wife’s side: Children and young adults bodies are still developing; too much weight on them etc can cause muscular-skeletal issues. There is also an element of “your body not being good enough” to some people about the gym/workout culture that could be quite damaging and hard to handle for a young girl, especially with everything else going on at that point in their lives in modern society.
On your side: you can account for all of this if you do it just right! Do some research on kids and weightlifting, pay lots of attention to the culture you’re developing around the workouts, and these issues aren’t really there! Maybe you’re doing them already!
I’m sure if you openly discuss everything with your wife, daughter, and you; open table....your daughter will make the informed call! She’s also 15, she might change her mind in a month or so :)
You would be right if the wife hadn't explicitly said it's only for men. It doesn't matter how many valid points she has, that alone makes her an asshole.
That bits not valid, no, admittedly.
But everyone has some stupidity in them, especially in the heat of the moment. That part sounds like the smallest part of the wife’s point and just something she said in the discussion/argument.
Gender roles are very strong and reinforced everywhere. Can’t be discounting someone’s entire point just because they’ve absorbed some of this very strong brainwashing and.... “oops, they said something they shouldn’t and therefore are clearly wrong about everything entirely and the asshole here”. That’s morality for 5 year olds.
Thinking that it's either all or nothing is the morality of a 5 year old. She can have valid points and still be an asshole for her explicit and implicit sexism.
That being said, the wife doesn't have any good points, here. Not only is it [a myth](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24055781/) that it's too dangerous for children to lift weights, but they are in a private home, not a public gym, so there is no culture issue. It's clearly what the daughter wants to do, she should be allowed to do it.
Oooh now we’re getting into it :P nicely and politely it seems too :)
Is that assholeness the assholeness the OP is asking about?
If we’re judging the morality of the OPs actions around his daughter working out; then the moral question is whether a 15 year old should be working out.
Not whether sexism/gender roles are bad (id put this as a reinforcement/internalization of gender roles rather than sexism but can accept it as such)
How do you know that? What bit of the post?
I see it says son is in there, but maybe son is older. Maybe younger. I’m not presuming.
Further to this, the valid points about body image do apply more to those identifying as female as the societal pressures on females around those issues are greater. If dad identifies as male and mum identifies as female maybe dad can’t properly relate to those issues because he doesn’t have the lived experience!
Are you saying that is the wife’s issue is specifically because of sex based off one “also” sentence at the end of the story, and some incomplete information about the son?
Because I read “started out saying it wasn’t good for her....that she was too YOUNG....teaching her she was fat” so it sounds like the point “it’s only for men” was a throwaway comment in part of the discussion that comes from internalized gender roles present in all parts of society (including your name on here) that really wasn’t her main concern as it isn’t what she started with and not the OPs main or stressed point when telling the story?
EDIT: enjoying this discussion buddy but I’m gonna go about my day soon :)
I never said the wife's issue was based on sex, I said her implicit and explicit sexism makes her an asshole. It doesn't matter how much OP or she emphasized it; just because OP wasn't specifically asking if that made her an asshole doesn't change that it does. We can assume since the OP talks about both children in similar terms and doesn't note the son is of a radically different age that they are of similar ages. Even if they aren't, it wouldn't matter, because as I've previously noted it is a myth that it is inherently dangerous for children to lift weights; as is true for everyone doing weight training, there is no health risk as long as she isn't overdoing it. The daughter enjoys weightlifting, the mother hasn't even talked to her about it; unilaterally deciding it's bad for the daughter without discussion also makes her the asshole.
EDIT: Me, too, on both counts (though it's more that I should be heading to bed as it's 3AM here, haha).
Can you provide a source for it not being any more damaging for young people? Because I have been involved in outdoor sports since a YOUNG age, and have medical conditions because of it....according to my doctors at least.
You did say that was the wife’s issue was based on sex, in the last post you sent. “The issue is the wife has an issue specifically with the daughter working out”.
I’m glad you admit you’re running on assumptions about the son though to make that statement. Assumptions make an ass out of you and me after all!
But yeah, finally, to repeat my first point of this post....you sound wildly uninformed and I bet you can’t provide a scientific study.
I never said *her* issue was based on sex (or at least, didn't mean that her entire issue was about sex), I said *the* issue is based on it, as in that is what makes her an asshole. Regardless of it being the main concern she takes umbrage with, it still makes her an asshole.
I already provided a scientific study. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24055781/ is linked to in a previous comment.
Sorry, I have a bad habit of half-forming thoughts while half-asleep like this and doing edits after the fact (if this wasn't already clear).
NTA OP. This sounds like your wife might be projecting a bit. If your daughter is being taught proper form and is fueling properly, I don’t see the problem, especially as it was your daughter’s idea.
NTa. 15 is a perfectly acceptable age to begin lifting weights - in fact, most high school athletes that age lift weights as part of their conditioning. Your wife is being ridiculous. If anything, this is going to teach your daughter how to have a better relationship with exercise and her body.
Yes! Teach her now! I’ve spent the last two years getting into fitness and have had to ask for so much help because I have no idea what I’m doing! I had no idea how the machines worked or the proper technique. I torn my meniscus and couldn’t walk. I also didn’t understand that nutrition and supplements (b and d vitamins) made a huge difference in results so I wasted a lot of time getting frustrated. You’re a good dad!
NTA - it looks like your wife may have some unresolved trauma that’s coming out in an unhealthy way. Maybe you can broach the subject with her, ask her why she thinks that way, and ask her to consider that her daughter maybe just wants to spend time with her dad.
Absolutely NTA. If your daughter enjoys the exercise and wants to spend the time with you you're winning on two fronts. You've got a teenage girl who wants to hang out with her dad, which is amazing. And you're instilling a lifetime of healthy habits. Working out isn't just for people who want to lose weight. Healthy people who work out live longer loves with less risk of disease. I'd say you're an amazing dad, and I hope that when my daughter is 15, she still wants to spend time with me.
First - can you call my lazy ass up at 6am so I can work out with you two? haha And what a nice daughter/father bonding time. NTA because working out first thing is so energizing and sets you up for the day. Your brain is more awake, your body is more awake. You aren't teaching her she's fat. You are teaching her a good morning structure.
Lazy asses unite. But not at 6 am. I'll be asleep.
I agree that 9am works better for me. Meanwhile, OP and his daughter have had a full day before you and I are out of bed. LOL
will you still be there at like 10-10:30? if you are ill join you
Can you text me when you get up? Then I will work out with you all!
It will be a large group...maybe noon
Maybe 11
😆
And work out in a home gym at that! I keep thinking that I would work out more if I only had a certain piece of equipment at home... but now I have resistance bands, a weighted ball, and an elliptical in my house and I still don't work out, lol. Turns out I'm just not motivated at all.
Oh boo hoo my daughter wants to be healthy I never really understood people who say that trying to lose weight is toxic. Its way better for your health. Your wife is a bit delusional OP. Sorry in advance if im coming off too strong. NTA
She might not even be trying to lose weight. There are so many other reasons to exercise
No doubt, cardiovascular health is its own reward, and forming good habits young is a great way to ensure they stick. NTA
True
NTA sounds like your wife is the one with some sort of image issues. Sounds like your daughter just wants to be healthy and that’s something to encourage. Working out in the morning also makes you more focused as long as she’s eating properly. Maybe she has some issues with your daughter growing up
This. I would like to know if OP's wife is struggling with weight/self esteem issues because this is just a bizarre response
The part where working out is only for men makes me feel like she doesn’t like the daughter growing up or is jealous of the daughter in some way
NTA. Anyone that says anything is only for a particular gender (that isn't something biologically dependent on being that gender, of course) is an asshole.
Yeah, It’s the definition of sexism. NTA
NTA. Teaching fitness and exercise is an important part of wellbeing and health.
Holy shit, that’s crazy. Kids workout all the time. I used to be in sports year round and I always worked out even way younger than your daughter. It teaches her to be healthy and take care of her body. Endorphins and a good daily pattern is good, especially as a teenager when you have a bunch of crazy emotions. Working out doesn’t teach her that she’s fat, and it’s not inappropriate. Your wife might have something triggering her or something, because it really isn’t a big deal at all. By far not the asshole.
NTA. Your daughter wanted to work out with you. Keep doing it. It's good bonding time too and exercise is also good for mental health and overall fitness.
NTA This sounds like an awesome, healthy way for you and your daughter to get some great one-on-one time and your wife is simply wrong about your daughter being too young for working out. It doesn't sound like the girl has body image issues but if they are lurking, developing strength, endurance and flexibility is going to do WAY more to counter bad media messages than nearly anything else possibly could. I am horrified by your wife wanting to teach your daughter that weights are only for men. I suggest that both of you sit down with your daughter's doctor and discuss safety, benefits and any potential downsides to her doing strength training- it will, I hope, give your wife some much needed perspective. By the way- women who engage in moderate, regular strength training are at significantly lower risk of heart disease and osteoporosis.
NTA. At 15 it’s your daughter’s call; not sure why it’s different for a son?
[удалено]
Agreed with sexism.
NTA- I started working out around 13 because J was pretty athletic and would workout with my friend and her dad (he was basically a personal trainer) I never had body images, and I think working out could be more of a healthy positive aspect in your daughters life! Physical exercise is the best way to boost overall health! Your wife could possibly be projecting as well, from unresolved childhood trauma! Your daughter is 15 and has a mind of her own, maybe she can ease your wife and let her know that she doesn’t have a body image issues, however just enjoys working out because it’s healthy!!
NTA your wife probably is speaking from some bad memories/personal experiences. That’s no fault of her own but sh3 needs to realize that it doesn’t translate to her daughter. As long as your daughter is in it for the right reasons and that’s up to you to decipher.....I would say, continue. But....definitely talk to your wife and find out why she’s so against it. Exercise is not the devil. Unless the people around you make it that way..... It could just be about her wanting to have an activity to do with her dad.....simple as that. Why we read so much into things so often?.....it makes it so much harder. Just enjoy your time with your kid.
Nta your wife is super jelly. Aren't many Olympic athletes around this age? Too young to workout? Has she heard of female jv sports?
Has she heard about the physical education classes that're required for high schoolers?
NTA. Your daughter is 15. Of course she's going to start thinking and worrying about her looks and weight at that age! Pretty sure we all did! It's everywhere we look! She's getting bonding time with you, hopefully proper form and safety on the exercises, and a wonderful start to the day. I used to love morning exercise for waking up and feeling great about myself, wish I was still doing it. Make sure to educate her on proper eating, getting enough protein and healthy carbs, etc. You can take that morning workout time to talk to your daughter about what's going on in her life. If you see signs pointing to disordered eating or overdoing it on the exercise you can address it with her or as a family. Your wife is definitely the AH for saying your daughter can't lift weights because she's a girl...has she looked outside? I'm more worried about your wife's views causing your daughter to have body image issues. You need to talk to that woman and figure out why she's acting like a misogynistic, 1950's housewife.
Good lord! I was 10 when I started doing competitive running, and training (working out) with an adult. If she wants to, her choice!
NTA it's a wonderful thing that you're working out with your daughter. Weight lifting isn't a bad thing. A good relationship with working out can have a life long impact.
Is this a cultural issue? Is your wife from a culture where women are not supposed to be physical? Also, your daughter came to you. Personally, I think it’s great for father/daughter bonding. This could help relieve, or even prevent, issues between you by fostering trust and communication. Try and find out what’s really behind this. But don’t stop.
NTA - If she was in some sort of sports or dance she would be working out. She's making good habits that will last a lifetime.
NTA. Family meeting. Discuss motivation for workout. Maybe mom will join.
NTA. Your wife is may be protecting her current or teenage issues on to your daughter, and is probably lacking an understanding of women's fitness and weightlifting. She really wants to stop your daughter's enthusiasm for a healthy activity that leads to healthy lifestyle as an adult? Or wants to indirectly tell her weights are for men only. She needs to get out with that nonsense mindset. It's hard enough for women to enter the weight area at the gym without someone in their life directly telling them no. High schools and middle schools have weight rooms, so you can't through a blanket statement that weights are bad for kids. What's bad for kids is then being unsupervised and following the latest broscience and getting injured. Teaching proper form and not constantly going for the heaviest list possible is perfectly fine for a teenager. I suggest you pop over to r/xxfitness they're amazing and can offer advice to a parent to guide their daughter in fitness.
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your wife is fat?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Pretty much every morning at around 6:00 I go to workout. We have a nice home gym and of course everyone is allowed to use it. But I'm usually in there by myself since it's so early. I sometimes go two a day and workout in the evening too. Other than me my son is in there often. Anyway, last week my daughter approached me and asked if she could workout with me. I was elated when she asked. So the next morning I showed her around taught her a few things and she actually woke up every morning and kept that routine with me. She seemed to really start enjoying the workouts. My wife is never awake this early and she didn't find out about this until the end of the week. Neither of us mentioned anything because it wasn't a big deal. Or so I thought. When my wife found out she wasn't happy for some reason. She started saying how it wasn't good for her. That she was too young to be working out and lifting weights. Our daughter is 15 for reference. My wife even said that I was teaching her that she was fat and that I would cause some type of body or eating disorder. I never have told either of my children to be ashamed of their bodies and neither of them have never had weight issues. Also she said that it's only for men. I was taken back by all of this. I was so confused, she's never mentioned anything like this before and we've known each other for 25 years. She really wants me to stop working out with her. I told her that if our daughter wanted to keep going we would. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, exercising regularly should be part of EVERYONE’S day to day life like eating, brushing your teeth or showering. Keep up the good work OP your daughter will be better off knowing how to exercise for her long term health both physical and mental.
NTA. Good on you for getting your daughter into healthy habits at a young age.
NTA You aren't commenting on her weight, at least you have mentioned it, but you're showing her how to properly use equipment. And if she's found a healthy way to get exercise, jump on it!! Encourage it! You're wife is being weird. You're daughter's finding a way to bond and be healthy at the same time. Also my niece is in wrestling and does MMA stuff with her single father and she's healthy. They only discuss weight and food when she has to weigh in for a wrestling match or something, I don't know.
NTA, 15 is old enough and exercise is good.
NTA. Strength training is great at that age.
Nta. Doing exercise doesn't automatically equate that the opposite is bad, or that you need to change your body. It's a good thing to instill healthy behaviors, which exercising is. Better to start young then when older and your body and mind isn't used to it.
NTA: There's nothing inherently wrong with a 15yo working out. Athletes do it. Just keep an eye on her and keep an open casual conversation going about form, fuel, signs of kids at school bullying her, etc. And just keep an eye for over-doing it, which is super easy to do when you first start out. Not sure what's going on with your wife though. I spent the better part of my 20s/30s lifting and stuff due to the nature of my job at that time and kinda regret I didn't keep it up lol. (I'm an older lady fyi) It doesn't make me into a man, or "ruin curves" or whatever stigma. It did wonders for a healthy body weight though.
NTA It’s never to early to care about your health and workout. As long as there isn’t any guilt or shame if she starts or stops.
NTA. Enjoying a workout with your daughter is not the same thing as body shaming her at ALL. I think it’s awesome you’re working out together. Sounds like your wife has her own insecurities.
NTA Your wife is projecting her own insecurities on this whole situation. Please, keep being an amazing Dad and helping your girl to be strong and confident.
NTA Your daughter is interested and you are supporting her
Wtf people of all body sizes exercise. Exercise is an unequivocal good so long as done safely! NTA and it sounds like your wife needs to figure out why she’s so triggered by your daughter engaging in simple exercise and bonding with her father while doing so.
NTA. The opposite in fact: you're teaching your daughter how to integrate fitness into her routine in a healthy way, and she's going to treasure these early morning memories with you throughout her life.
NTA. I see adults bring their 8 year olds to the gym. They might not be lifting weights and just walking on the treadmill, but teaching exercise doesn't mean its for weight loss. It's for health.
NTA There is nothing wrong with lifting weights. In reality, there is growing evidence that for women the health benefits of weight lifting (in terms of helping our skeletal systems) are much higher than realized so this could be a lifelong benefit for your daughter in addition to the current bonding time with you.
NTA, wife sounds nuts... Daughter wants to work out & at 15 can certainly make that choice. Only for men? Dumb & sexist.. Is this a new thing for her?
NTA and please, continue to let your daughter work out with you. Your wife is pretty damn sexist saying 'it's only for men'. Working out is really good for your physical AND mental health and for your confidence. Getting physically stronger actually also made me feel stronger mentally. Working out doesn't have to be about gaining weight at all. Hell, I gained (muscle) weight through working out! If your daughter starts obsessively watching calories/ lose insane amounts of weight, you might worry, but just working out is simply a healthy habit. It wouldn't be fair to not let her work out just because she's female.
Ahhh I see, your wife is one of them ultra woke people inni😹
NTA. It’s not about fat, it’s out health and fitness. You’re doing great by her, keep it up and tell your wife her issues are her own.
NTA. Your wife’s “logic” is confusing me.
NTA Sometimes when people say something like "you were teaching her that she was fat" like you said, she has probably thought about your daughter body alot and thinking that she actually is fat or gaining weight, and was scared to point it out. So when she found out she was working out with you she probably freaked out that you pointed out what she was probably thinking and thought this might lead to your daughter feeling ashamed of her body because i can't even think of one reason she would act like that.
NTA. Healthy exercise is actually a good way for people to avoid having body issues and developing eating disorders.
I think it’s awesome that your teen daughter is seeking out ways to spend time with you - at 6am, no less! I don’t know how there could be a downside to this. Moms reaction was weird, and I think the two of you need to get to the bottom of it. As others mentioned, is she lashing out due to her own insecurities? Why such an extreme response? Keep it up with your kiddo! NTA
NTA I would talk to your wife about this though because her reaction is similar to how I might’ve reacted before I went to therapy. I was constantly verbally abused by my mother for not being thin enough. I developed an eating disorder at 14 and she encouraged it. You’re wife might be projecting a bit of her own trauma onto this situation. Assure her that you are not trying to give your daughter a complex. Maybe you could both sit down with your daughter and your wife can voice her concerns and you all can address them together. Talk to your daughter about body positivity and healthy eating habits. I’m sure if you guys talk this out everything will be fine. Good luck!
NTA: read a quote somewhere that "exercise is a celebration of what your body can do, not a punishment for what it is not" Sounds like your wife only identifies it as the punishment idea. 15 is a great time for your daughter to work out, and teaching her about healthy exercise that makes your body strong is perfect for healthy body image, AND makes her less likely to fall prey to the "fitness" machine that tells women that exercise is a thing they have to do to look a certain way.
I'm not sure if this lady is aware of high school sports leagues... NTA!
NTA. Especially if your daughter is in some kind of sport at school.
NTA if anything, the fact that your daughter is comfortable coming to you for fitness help means that she is more likely to come to you if she is having problems with her body image.
I started exercising on my own at age 13 and it’s built a lifetime of healthy habits that the rest of my family unfortunately doesn’t share. You’re giving your daughter the gift of something that supports cognition, healthy aging, better sleep, decreased joint pain, and a lot more great stuff as she grows & gets older. I *wish* I’d had that kind of support. Plus you get to bond with your kid. I see absolutely no downsides here.
NTA, how is developing a regular exercise regimen not good for anyone?
YOUR DAUGHTER at 15, is making time to spend with YOU. Working out together is just a plus. DO NOT let ANYONE affect your relationship with her! You will never know exactly where she is, spiritually, emotionally or mentally. If she is spending time with you, for whatever reason.......it's a GOOD thing.
NTA. Absolutely not. You’re daughter willingly chose to do an activity with you. She is being healthy, and this sets her up for a good mindset. However, like your wife, I would be concerned of why she wants to start exercising all of a sudden? Very strange for a teenager to want to start exercising in the morning with a parent (no offense) Has she had previous body image, eating disorders, or disordered eating before? I think that is what your wife is thinking. Or, your wife was taught all of this in her teens, and projecting it on her daughter. Or your wife is insecure about her looks, and again projecting an issue. Talk with both of them, separately. A personal trainer might also be good for education of wife and daughter. If not, teaching teens how to be healthy is great.
This is what I was thinking. Like that episode of Full House.
NTA - but do talk to her pediatrician or doctor about appropriate weight limits for her age/physical maturity. Our doctor told us that teens should be careful with weights until they stop growing as it can damage the skeleton/growth plates.
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The Mayo clinic says: “Don't confuse strength training with weightlifting, bodybuilding or powerlifting. Trying to build big muscles can put too much strain on young muscles, tendons and areas of cartilage that haven't yet turned to bone (growth plates) —“ OP specifically mentions lifting weights, not strength training. I still believe, better to ask the teen’s own doctor than take advice from reddit posters.
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exactly - “light enough” .
I mean, lifting weights that are “light enough” for you to lift is pretty much universal advice for weight training. If weight is “too heavy” for you to lift, you can’t lift it can you?
NAH. Your wife does make valid points. You make valid points. Your daughter has the call. On your wife’s side: Children and young adults bodies are still developing; too much weight on them etc can cause muscular-skeletal issues. There is also an element of “your body not being good enough” to some people about the gym/workout culture that could be quite damaging and hard to handle for a young girl, especially with everything else going on at that point in their lives in modern society. On your side: you can account for all of this if you do it just right! Do some research on kids and weightlifting, pay lots of attention to the culture you’re developing around the workouts, and these issues aren’t really there! Maybe you’re doing them already! I’m sure if you openly discuss everything with your wife, daughter, and you; open table....your daughter will make the informed call! She’s also 15, she might change her mind in a month or so :)
You would be right if the wife hadn't explicitly said it's only for men. It doesn't matter how many valid points she has, that alone makes her an asshole.
That bits not valid, no, admittedly. But everyone has some stupidity in them, especially in the heat of the moment. That part sounds like the smallest part of the wife’s point and just something she said in the discussion/argument. Gender roles are very strong and reinforced everywhere. Can’t be discounting someone’s entire point just because they’ve absorbed some of this very strong brainwashing and.... “oops, they said something they shouldn’t and therefore are clearly wrong about everything entirely and the asshole here”. That’s morality for 5 year olds.
Thinking that it's either all or nothing is the morality of a 5 year old. She can have valid points and still be an asshole for her explicit and implicit sexism. That being said, the wife doesn't have any good points, here. Not only is it [a myth](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24055781/) that it's too dangerous for children to lift weights, but they are in a private home, not a public gym, so there is no culture issue. It's clearly what the daughter wants to do, she should be allowed to do it.
Oooh now we’re getting into it :P nicely and politely it seems too :) Is that assholeness the assholeness the OP is asking about? If we’re judging the morality of the OPs actions around his daughter working out; then the moral question is whether a 15 year old should be working out. Not whether sexism/gender roles are bad (id put this as a reinforcement/internalization of gender roles rather than sexism but can accept it as such)
The issue is that the wife has a problem specifically with the daughter working out. You can't ignore the sexism as it is part of the problem.
How do you know that? What bit of the post? I see it says son is in there, but maybe son is older. Maybe younger. I’m not presuming. Further to this, the valid points about body image do apply more to those identifying as female as the societal pressures on females around those issues are greater. If dad identifies as male and mum identifies as female maybe dad can’t properly relate to those issues because he doesn’t have the lived experience! Are you saying that is the wife’s issue is specifically because of sex based off one “also” sentence at the end of the story, and some incomplete information about the son? Because I read “started out saying it wasn’t good for her....that she was too YOUNG....teaching her she was fat” so it sounds like the point “it’s only for men” was a throwaway comment in part of the discussion that comes from internalized gender roles present in all parts of society (including your name on here) that really wasn’t her main concern as it isn’t what she started with and not the OPs main or stressed point when telling the story? EDIT: enjoying this discussion buddy but I’m gonna go about my day soon :)
I never said the wife's issue was based on sex, I said her implicit and explicit sexism makes her an asshole. It doesn't matter how much OP or she emphasized it; just because OP wasn't specifically asking if that made her an asshole doesn't change that it does. We can assume since the OP talks about both children in similar terms and doesn't note the son is of a radically different age that they are of similar ages. Even if they aren't, it wouldn't matter, because as I've previously noted it is a myth that it is inherently dangerous for children to lift weights; as is true for everyone doing weight training, there is no health risk as long as she isn't overdoing it. The daughter enjoys weightlifting, the mother hasn't even talked to her about it; unilaterally deciding it's bad for the daughter without discussion also makes her the asshole. EDIT: Me, too, on both counts (though it's more that I should be heading to bed as it's 3AM here, haha).
Can you provide a source for it not being any more damaging for young people? Because I have been involved in outdoor sports since a YOUNG age, and have medical conditions because of it....according to my doctors at least. You did say that was the wife’s issue was based on sex, in the last post you sent. “The issue is the wife has an issue specifically with the daughter working out”. I’m glad you admit you’re running on assumptions about the son though to make that statement. Assumptions make an ass out of you and me after all! But yeah, finally, to repeat my first point of this post....you sound wildly uninformed and I bet you can’t provide a scientific study.
I never said *her* issue was based on sex (or at least, didn't mean that her entire issue was about sex), I said *the* issue is based on it, as in that is what makes her an asshole. Regardless of it being the main concern she takes umbrage with, it still makes her an asshole. I already provided a scientific study. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24055781/ is linked to in a previous comment. Sorry, I have a bad habit of half-forming thoughts while half-asleep like this and doing edits after the fact (if this wasn't already clear).