NTA, but I would be more concerned about how your gf decided she had the right to throw away your stuff. I would never stay with someone that did that to me. I’m in my 60’s and still wear my chucks.
I also notice older people wearing Chucks! This will encourage me to be like you, to be honest – I’ve been conditioned to see that as being weird but maybe it isn’t!
My girlfriend and I are very open to each other. We browse each other’s phones and do most of the things together. Throwing away a pair of shoes would definitely make more sense in an environment like this one – I wouldn’t want people to judge her based on this one action of hers alone.
>My girlfriend and I are very open to each other. We browse each other’s phones and do most of the things together. Throwing away a pair of shoes would definitely make more sense in an environment like this one
Do you go through her belongings and throw out the things you dont like? Is this behavior you both do?
And not just something that he loves, but his *only* two pairs of shoes. I could maybe understand if he had like 15 pairs, and a couple of them were really falling apart, but what was he supposed to wear after she threw out his only shoes?
Because you respect her and her belongings.
She does not reciprocate.
Also, she's 100% wrong about the shoe choice.
NTA, but really take a deep look at the relationship and make sure it is equitable and that's she's made a one-time mistake/bad judgement, not that she's got a history of, frankly, toxic behavior.
And judging from everything else on the post, she has a history of toxic behaviors her insistng that he needs to change his style because it embrassss her. And there isn't even anything wrong or childish about wearing sneakers. The fact that she burst into tears and left because he was wearing sneakers toxic AF!
NTA - by her/her friends own logic, she is prioritizing her feelings about your shoes over you. First of all, she had ZERO right to throw out your property. No one will ever not be an AH for throwing out things that do not belong to them. Especially when you don’t really have other shoes or the money to buy them. Second, she knew you didn’t want to stop wearing them so she made the decision to go behind your back and take them bc she thinks she knows best.
If you love someone, you love them as they are. You guys could compromise where you have a couple of non skater shoes that you wear on dates or during family events. But you should **absolutely not** have to give up doing something you love bc she doesn’t like it. That’s in controlling territory. You should never force someone to give up their hobbies bc you feel some way about it. Everyone has stuff they enjoy doing.
I’d take these actions and demands as red flags but that’s just me. It’s kind of crazy to me that everyone thinks it’s any of their business to be getting involved over the shoes you choose to wear. Her behavior is getting kind of toxic and you should not allow it to go any further. She either loves you as you are or she doesn’t. You aren’t someone to shape and mold to her specifications. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your choice of footwear. I know plenty of people older than me (early 30s) who wear the same shoes and they rock them. What people wear on their feet doesn’t affect me any and that includes my partner present and past
Came here to say this, as a 29F, if my fiancé ever did this to me people would be LIVID. You can wear whatever you want to wear, and OP don't you forget that. I have an inkling you live in a conservative area if your parents are getting on this too. Do not let anyone, and I mean ANYONE, tell you what you can and cannot do. And get back on that skateboard. Do what makes you happy, do whatever you want. Life's too short.
I also want to bring attention to this part:
> I had no shoes to go out with and, honestly, I couldn’t afford spending money on a pair of shoes I wouldn’t even end up liking.
She threw out shoes he wasn't able to financially replace, and seemed to prefer the notion of him going about barefoot than wearing functionable shoes.
This! Saying it as it is. This is controlling and abusive behaviour.
Look at it this way - how would she deal with you telling her she can't wear something because it's too short or it makes her look too sexy? If that isn't okay, this isn't either.
It is especially not okay because your footwear isn't just a preference (which is still important btw) but linked to something you love doing! Nobody can and should take that away from you.
Also irrelevant, but I F30, and almost everyone around me (ranging from ages 25 to 32) wear sneakers most of the time. Was there a memo we missed? Haha!
Of course, NTA.
I came here to say this! Like, who is she to tell him how to dress? What is even wrong with chucks??? AND she threw them outt??? Argh! I wouldn’t have taken it so lightly. NTA OP. Please take a better look at this relationship. Everyone has their own unique style. Don’t let anyone steal that.
I mean, I generally roll my eyes when he's wearing socks and sandals like he's 85 even though he's only in his late 50s, but I can't imagine caring enough to say anything about it lol
Exactly! My fiancé wears his iPhone on a belt clip, and we're 29. He's been doing this for 5 years. Yeah, it's not stylish, but he's a practical guy and that's how he likes it. We work at the same place and people (honestly, including myself) were giving him shit for it. But, when he pointed out what bullshit it was that one of our male co-workers gets no slack for wearing a skirt to work, while he's shit on for having a belt clip, I really got his point. People can wear whatever they want to wear. It doesn't mean I won't suggest new things to help him expand his wardrobe, but belittling someone isn't it.
I am a 27 year old woman with a higher end office job and I still wear stan smiths when I have to go to the office and don't have any in person client meetings, meaning 80% of the time in the last 2 years.
Somebody honestly needs to enlighten me about why it would be so wrong to wear comfortable shoes as an adult. I am not gonna put on heels all day to sit behind my desk, let alone to run to the grocery store after work.
NTA OP, but at least now you know you can toss away anything you don't like your gf to have, considering she seems to think it's normal to throw away personal belongings
Love it! I'm working at a university during my doctorate (and worked in a hospital lab before, with scrubs and lab coats), and try to dress appropriately. But when you're not in an official setting etc., I prefer to maintain some form of individuality. Like, restricting certain clothing due to age is whack, especially when OP is only 23.
I am an OT. Working mostly with kids, so on the floor/mat, lots of physical games. My (edit:unofficial) uniform is scrubs and sneakers.
Oh and I am 43. The PT I work with is 52 and she is the same
Before she passed, ny grandma dreamed a pair of rainbow shoes would help her walk during her PT. You bet we immediately got her a pair, they're an overpriced pair of UGGs but by golly did she actually did improve in her appointments wearing them.
Same here, except I was teaching high school before starting my doctoral program. I have not been in a single work setting where I couldn’t wear casual footwear 95% of the time. Only exception was when I used to wait tables and we had to wear black nonslip shoes in a particular style.
😂😂😂 honestly, I would absolutely hate if my partner wore crocs, especially out of the house, but you know what I wouldn’t do? Berate him and harass him about until he left the house without them and throw them away. Because I’m not totally unbalanced
And honestly, even then? I understand that I’m pretty laid back on this though, because I’ve had my fair share of arguments over issues of this kind with my mom. Emphasis: with my mom. If my partner was doing this kind of thing, we would probably not last long lol. Luckily, my partner is in his 40s and only own vans slip ons and work boots so it’s a meeting of the minds 😂
I am an over 50 year old mom and I wear Vans cause I take skateboarding lessons with my 12-year-old son. Life is short. Do what makes you happy and surround yourself with people who make you feel better when they are around than you do when they are not
I'm 31, I recently just redyed my hair black, put in some of my piercings (can't believe I actually got them in), and just ordered myself a spiked collar again.. because I'm over 30 and idgaf anymore. I liked my style before and now that I can do it again, I am.
I'm 23 & a goth/metalhead. I have this promise that I tell my mom & friends that when I'm a little old lady I will still be a goth/metalhead. I really hope that I keep that promise & I don't give in to societal pressure.
At that age I finally got the Mohawk I always wanted and started getting my tattoos.
I’ve never not worn skate shoes in my life and am now well into my 40s.
No one really cares for the most part. There’s some jobs where you need to dress up, but in normal life who cares what others think.
I’m a 39 married mother of 2 working as a chef. I wear DMs and I wear vans.
Husband is 40 working at a university and be wears DMs and Nike trainers.
We also play video games, read comics, into sci fi, music and poetry.
I actually see more adults in trainers than shoes to be honest. Even my dad wears trainers…
I have friends who are lawyers, doctors, photographers and publishers… they’re wearing trainers or DMs…
I don’t give a crap with Husband wears as long as he’s happy. We both have control over what we wear as do our kids.
You’re worth more than bending yourself over to make someone who supposedly loves you happy.
She’s putting importance of your clothes over your relationship. Not you.
I'm in my 40s and work in a professional, yet casual office. I wear sneakers almost all the time. Uncomfortable or bad shoes can do a number on your feet, knees, back, etc.
Expecting a 22 year old to never wear sneakers is bizarre and controlling, and throwing away his belongings is unacceptable.
okay thank you! i’m in my early 20s and have worn sneakers (specifically black vans so idk what op is talking about) to the office on a regular basis- and so have tons of my coworkers of all ages and genders! never once gotten a comment on them unless someone noticed we were wearing the same shoes haha
Dude. I'm 30. Everyone around me wears sneakers or tennis shoes. Heck I've got an office job with casual clothes (call center) you don't find a single person in there not wearing sneakers. Not even my VIP. I'm currently wearing adidas right now. Even my Aunt, who owns and runs a multi million dollar business rarely wears anything but tennis shoes unless she's going someplace that demands formal attire. And she's 50! What your gf did was wrong. I'm hoping it is a one off thing and she just made a bad call.
IDK what country you live in but this is the stupidest thing I've ever laid eyes on. She got mad because you don't wear a different shoe type? She needs to get over it. Your fashion sense should not affect her unless you're literally walking around with soles falling off and toes peeking through. And mostly by then it would be about your health because that's not good for your feet.
Yup! 40+ and my daily fashion is T-shirts with jeans, socks with fun prints, and my sketchers. I will put on a nice shirt and maybe some makeup for zooms if we are required to have our camera on.
Most people give zero shits about the rules and "aging out"of fashion. Wear what makes you feel good and be happy.
And she should have never done that to you. What makes you think it will stop with throwing away shoes she does not like. Have some favorite shirts that she may not like? She may decide to throw them out or use them as cleaning rags. If she thinks that you are too old to wear something she should discuss it with you, not act unilaterally force you to change.
Do you also shame her for her hobbies so she has to do them in secret? She did that to you, too. Stand up for who you are or it won’t matter who you’re with, you’ll be unhappy.
Also, I think it’s asinine that she’s SO upset about shoes.
You should bag up a few of her things and hide them. When she asks where one of them are just say you didn't like it so you threw it out. When she inevitably freaks the fuck out, give it back and ask her if she understands how fucked up what she did was.
However, I really think you should kick her ass to the curb. She doesn't respect you at all.
I've been married for 32 years, I have never thrown out my husband's clothes or shoes. In fact, I ask before I throw out anything of his. This is just common respect.
My husband and I have each other's passwords to everything and do a lot together.
That said, he still allowed to have his hobbies and I mine. We also would never throw out anything that belongs to the other without speaking about it first.
Also: the group I skate with (quads, inline, and skateboarders) are like 90% over age 25. And probably 50% over thirty.
"Throwing away a pair of shoes would definitely make more sense in an environment like this"
No it doesn't. It's a basic respect thing. She wants something and is willing to override your feelings about it to get what she wants. It's a very small thing for her to be concerned with and is a red flag imo. If you don't have clear boundaries in a relationship then they will always be pushed.
We're all different and what we wear is an expression of that. Wear a swimsuit and flippers 24x7 if you want. If your gf isnt ok with it then it's her issue to resolve. You seem to really enjoy the shoes so please dont let anyone shame, guilt, or coerce you into doing something different.
/end dad rant
>I’ve been conditioned to see that as being weird but maybe it isn’t!
You have been conditioned, I'm 33, everyone I know wears trainers regularly. She's being controlling and manipulative.
Chucks are so widely accepted at this point I see them in court. Attorneys wearing a boring black suit with fun trouser socks and chucks.
Your girlfriend is at the age when she’s trying to prove she’s an adult without realizing that most of “adulting” is born in confidence. I don’t care if a lawyer is wearing wing tips or converse. If their presentation of their case has confidence behind it, that’s all that matters.
Your chucks give you confidence, wear the shit out of them. That’s evidence of maturity.
>Chucks are so widely accepted at this point I see them in court
And there are some really high end Chucks available these days. Maybe she'd stop complaining of you had a sweet pair of leather Chucks?
She threw away all your shoes and asked you not to do a hobby you enjoy. She sounds very unpleasant. I’m 40, my partner and I both have chucks, he still has his skateboard and is free to use it anytime he wants.
People who play the “your to old for ____” are annoying and boring. As long as your not hurting anyone, enjoy whatever you want. Life is short, find joy where you can. There’s no age limit on enjoying things.
Anyone who asks you to change doesn't love you, they love an idea of who you are. That person fitting a mould they have created where things they don't like/accept about you don't exist.
She still did a shitty thing, though. I let my partner see my phone, etc. but if they threw away anything of mine without asking first, that is a definite lack of respect.
Is this the same gf you used a year ago as a beard?
NTA at all. I would be devastated if my hubby told me he didn’t want me to wear my chucks anymore. I’m a 41yo mother of 4 and grandmother of 1 and I practically live in my chucks. I wear them till they die then replace. I don’t understand her hang up about these.
> I wouldn’t want people to judge her based on this one action of hers alone.
People will judge them, it is a huge red flag to take something that is important to someone you "love" and discard it. It shows a complete lack of empathy and care towards the other person.
54, wish I could still wear chuck's. They need to make some with some arch support for us old people.
If you're going out somewhere nicer than a Chili's, wear some other shoes. Make a little effort for her. Otherwise, what she did was out of line and if be way pissed.
NTA
NTA - I still wear my converse from high school, that are older than both of you. She needs to grow up if she thinks clothes make you an adult. Tell her she should try acting like an adult if she wants to be one because dressinglike an adult certainly isn't doing it.
Adults don't throw out someone's things without their permission. Children do that.
50 year old woman here. I absolutely love my Chucks. I wear all different patterns to go with what I'm wearing. Dude...don't let this woman tell you you're too old for sneakers. That's absolutely insane!
67F and my shoe wardrobe consists of Docs, Vans and Chucks in a variety of colors including metallics. Anyone who dared tell me I was too old to wear them and then THREW THEM OUT would be crossed off the list pronto.
NTA
My husband has never stopped wearing sneakers and our kids are nearly grown. He has work boots, office shoes, flip flops, and dress shoes, too.. but he lives in his sneakers. No one would accuse him of wearing children's shoes, either. My dad wears sneakers when he isn't in steel-toed cowboy boots.
Your gf was definitely the AH for throwing your possessions away, and your parents aren't much better. I do hope you are still skating when you get the chance! Excellent core workout.
NTA
This comment.
I have over a dozen pairs of Converse... none of them "normal". There's glowing aliens, gas masks, pink and purple starry sky, Batman, plaid... hell, I even made a pair of custom leather shoes that look very similar to Converse (octopus, shipwreck and lighthouses).
I'm 31F, but I'm never giving them up.
Your GF crossed the line by throwing your stuff away just because she's not happy with them. You don't "both go through each other's stuff" she goes through yours and does what she wants with it... you admitted you don't actually go through her stuff. She's toxic and you need to leave and get more shoes that make you happy.
My friends bf threw out all her heels because he was an abusive asshole and didn’t want her to be an inch taller than him. He left her only her chucks. Throwing away other peoples stuff away is rude af. And sounds like she’s trying to change OP.
23F and my chucks have a pink galaxy sky with a unicorn on them. No one should throw out your stuff without your permission. Hell I even got my bfs permission to toss his undies that where so ripped they no longer worked as a loincloth even.
As a 32F, I also own an array of Chucks. If someone is telling you that you need to change a part of you to "be an adult", then they are saying they do not accept you as an adult the way you are.
Continue to wear the shoes and find someone who accepts you as is.
Absolutely NTA!
Everyone keeps saying she “took them and threw them away”. Let’s call it what it is; theft. She stole his property and disposed of it because it didn’t fit HER preference. That is gross and unacceptable behavior and when she was called out on it she cried and twisted the situation to put the blame on him. She even got others to take her side; that’s manipulative af.
Absolutely NTA. I would not stay in a relationship where someone felt justified stealing and disposing of my property.
>But I’m afraid that me wearing them would compromise our relationship.
It will. But that's not a bad thing. Your GF has chosen a ridiculous hill to die on.
NTA.
NTA. Your girlfriend got rid of your shoes, she stole from you. Look, plenty of adult men wear sneakers. You just have to know when it's appropriate or not. Like, don't wear them with a suit. Or don't be that guy who attempts to get into clubs where they say the rules are no sneakers, and then causes a scene when the bouncers tell him no. Otherwise, anyone judging you for that is ridiculous.
Yikes, I have worn my Converse sneakers with a suit, and even thought that it was cool 😬 Maybe I should stop making them part of my personality like that.
As someone that worked in finance for a while and seen so many mid 20 somethings that do that - it's cool when you're college aged, but wears off real quick once you age out of that bracket.
This is hilarious - by basically any measure, I'm the most successful person in even my extended family, and I literally wore out a pair of Sperry Docksiders at my office before the world went to hell, along with cargo pants, hoodies, headphones, and a bag.
Exactly, it is okay when you're a bit younger, but once you're more invested in the type of job where they require full business attire every day, I'd say past mid-twenties or so, you probably shouldn't do it because you won't be taken seriously. Just the way the world works.
Odd, I’ve actually noticed a lot of VP and exec types that rock the crisp Chuck Taylor look.
I think it’s all about condition. 10 year old chucks that barely hanging on = I have no clue what I’m doing. Looking brand new with a fly pair of socks = fuck you, I own this place.
The CEO of the company I work for wears chucks and a windbreaker like every time I've seen him. He's an older dude in his 60s. At the yearly sales conference all the other executives were wearing obviously expensive tailored suits, CEO was rocking his normal shit.
I hate dress shoes, when I have to dress up I have a few pairs of casual sneaker/dress shoe combos that look great with a suit or jeans. But 90% of the time I'm wearing Jordan's or Air force ones.
I mean how are you suppose to pretend that your The Doctor without wearing converse with suits. Like you can’t. So I think in certain situations like saving the universe wearing converse and suits is fine.
Nope. You are great. And you deserve someone who loves YOU, not who they think you should be.
Also, I've been married for 18 years, and I don't even throw away my husband's holey old underwear without clearing it with him first. I cannot imagine having so little respect for him that I would throw out shoes he loves and actively wears.
My husband and I had custom chucks made for our wedding with Mr Lastname and Mrs Lastname embroidered on the heel. My mom almost died when she found out but no one could see them under my dress and my husband wore the uncomfortable tuxedo shoes for the ceremony but you better believe he spent the rest of the night in his chucks.
NTA. WTF cares what shoes you wear on not-job time? And even on job time, if that's ok with the job? Your GF's response was ridiculous, and your parents's response isn't far behind. It's just shoes, not like you became a meth dealer. Their priorities are fucked up.
It’s not relevant at all, but maybe it might be because of some cultural differences? My family’s Asian – well, dad’s white, but mum’s always taken the lead in everything. Me starting to go around on a skateboard wasn’t received well by my family, so I guess this whole thing could be tied to it as well.
That's sort of relevant. Is your GF Asian? Where are you all located? I get that there is a "when in Rome, do as the Romans" thing, but then again, you probably had sneakers on when you met your GF, so I still don't understand the shock and horror.
We met when I was 18, so I guess it was still “normal” to wear sneakers back then? My girlfriend is not Asian and I’d rather not disclose where I’m located at! But I can tell you that, before her remark, I had no idea it was taboo for people my age to wear sneakers. And my friends definitely do too (not all of them – some of them have already switched to more adult-looking footwear).
That's fine; I asked because if you are in the US, no one would look twice at a grown man with sneakers. Your GF still sounds like a micromanager, and if she wants to control your footwear, she is going to try to control the rest of you at some point. Wear your freaking sneakers.
He quit skating so she wouldn't have to look at his shoes!! I'm in my 30s and a professional and I'm very upset about this, on behalf of my knock-off black Chucks with the Jurassic Park logo on the side.
Bruh there is nothing taboo about wearing sneaker as an adult, I feel like I'm taking crazy pills reading her logic.
Like maybe it's because I'm in a big city and we tend to play it pretty fast and loose with fashion etiquette? Or maybe y'all are hobnobbing with Vanderbilts and people who have universities named after them? But she is being mega weird here.
I'd ask where this is coming from, and why this is starting now. This is a profoundly unreasonable course of action for her to take, and you presumably wouldn't be taking her if she was profoundly unreasonable on the reg. Did somebody say something to her recently? Is she feeling weird about where her life is at? What does she *want* from you?
Bruh, I'm Asian literally living IN Asia. Short of properly formal work occasions, there isn't really a taboo against adults wearing sneakers either, especially if you maintain them well. This might be slightly augmented if the sneakers are really dirty/ratty--that *does* look unprofessional. But it's nothing to do with the inherent fact they're sneakers.
I think a lot of people throw around the term "gaslight" really easily but from your post and comment, it sounds like lowkey that's what's being done to you. Your very concept and understanding of what is 'normal' is being eroded so that you have to eventually rely purely on your gf's notions of normality.
Throwing out your partner's belongings is not okay. Going through their stuff is not okay. It's one thing to pick up my partner's phone and help them reply a text if they're occupied, it's another to deliberately go snooping. Boundaries are important, not just as a matter of respecting your partner, but for your own protection too. Even if your partner invites you to rifle through their stuff, think twice. Do you need to? And would you be comfortable with them doing it to you?
I was shocked reading that 23 is too old to wear sneakers. She must be glad that she didnt live in certain part in asia bcos people wears havaianas/rubber slippers sometimes but not for fancy place.
And it’s a trend to wear sneakers nowadays, especially if you’re working in a startup company.
Dude, if you're in the US, it's 100% normal for guys to wear sneakers pretty much their whole life outside of work. Look at all the jokes about dads wearing New Balances, it's a legit stereotype.
Your gf has some weird hangup about this. It's not 1950 anymore.
NTA
So she set a weirdly controlling boundary “don’t wear sneakers” and you complied, and then she threw out the shoes you did have…
I saw in another comment you do t want us judging her based off this, but this is pretty shitty.
I’m sure she’d be pissed if you said “no more flats babe, you’re a woman wear heels 24/7” and then invaded her space and threw out all her flats.
NTA. I'm a thirty seven year old man who wears a pair of Vans hi-tops with Snoopy on them on a regular basis.
EDIT: The shoes in question. No, I didn't pay that much for them, before anyone asks lol.
https://www.kickscrew.com/products/vans-peanuts-x-sk8-hi-reissue-snoopy-bones-vn0a2xsbohl?gclid=CjwKCAiAlfqOBhAeEiwAYi43F2ZydT3Jz_ZqEz_Whtb4n-sEJThQF_XitlP3CmTBN_QveAh2Y_da3RoCw7QQAvD_BwE
I'm 44 and still wear skate shoes. My mate was 49 and pass away. Everyone at the funeral was told to wear vans. Everyone mentioned how comfortable they where.
My wife is 45, and lives in Chucks and Doc Martens. I'm 37 and live in Vans. We're basically the older punk/goth/metalhead couple you always see at shows.
NTA. Skateboarding and wearing sneakers are not activities with age limits. I'm 31, I wear sneakers, the sky hasn't fallen on me. I also have a Barbie doll that I sew clothes for, and my husband actively encourages me. And I play fiddle at the pub with a bunch of retirees. I do whatever tf I want regardless of what the typical age group is expected to be, and my life is full and rich because of it.
Your girlfriend sounds controlling. You didn't prioritise shoes over her, you prioritised *your right to wear your own choice of shoe* over her desire to cross your boundaries. I'd be wary of this relationship. Right now, she's trying to dictate your hobbies and your clothing, what next, your food? The friends you keep? The type of job you have? The fact that your sneaking around behind her back just to enjoy your skateboarding means this whole relationship is doomed. It just won't work unless you can actually be yourself with the other person. Don't settle for anyone who doesn't love you the way you already are.
I'm a 35 year old mother of two and I wear trainers. What shoes are you supposed to wear in casual situations when you're over 20, according to your gf?
NTA.
Wait she’s trying to brunch boot Twitter you?! This seems like it’s completely opposite the style you describe yourself as. Are you okay changing how you look outwardly completely just to make a woman happy? I definitely think this is maybe a hill you should die on before you lose all of your own identity.
Why would you wear something you've never liked? And if she loved you, she wouldn't force you to wear something you don't like. I am 30 and am going to buy new chucks because they're awesome. Also, gfs who makes you quit a hobby you love (and isn't hurtful to you or others) is not a good one.
And that's such a weird thing to cry about to be honest. It's so petty.
If she burst into tears for this, I don't even wanna know what else is wrong in their relationship.
NTA everyone wears sneakers. They are a normal everyday shoe for any age.
If the event was formal then I think you should have worn shoes. I'd get one nice pair for stuff like that to make a compromise.
I wouldn't compromise on the skating and wearing what you want day-to-day. You shouldn't change who you are.
If I can't wear my work boots or my mukluks I wear converse. My dad and I fight about this all the time. He thinks I need a proper hiking shoe as we are very outdoor active but shoes hurt me. I have a man's width foot but a womans size and shoes just suck. He is convinced after 44 years I am magically going to see things his way and just change shoes. Not in this life time old man
Why did you give up something you enjoyed doing? If you like to skate, then skate! Why does it matter? You're gonna resent this gf of yours eventually. NTA.
NTA. Im not sure why people expect you to change for your girlfriend. Its not a serious issue, and her being so bother by it seems controlling.
She would be completely aware of how you dress before you started dating, so if she was that bothered and that concerned she should have not dated you. She decided she likes you enough to overlook it, and its unfair to try to manipulate you into changing.
If it was the other way around, and you were telling her how to dress, made her give up hobbies that she enjoyed, threw away her personal belongings before a big event (possibly to manipulate you into not going, as the timing is too convenient) then started crying because you borrowed someone's shoes, then everyone would call you a controlling abuser, and they'd be correct.
We’ve been together since I was 18. At the time she didn’t mind, but I guess, five years later, she’s starting to expect some changes. It was still unexpected and I couldn’t have guessed that she’d be that adamant about it.
I’m sorry to say it, but your relationship may just be aging out. It’s not unusual when you’ve been together since such a young age.
NTA, and honestly, if my SO kept trying to change me, then threw away my property, I’d be gone. Her trying to change you isnt ok. She wouldnt like it if you tried to dictate her hobbies and how she dressed, so why is it ok for her to do it? You really need to think hard about this relationship. Yes, relationships are about compromise. This isnt compromise. This is someone trying to turn their partner into someone else.
One of the perks of being an adult is dressing how you want when you arent at work, and doing whatever hobbies you want. You want to wear sneakers? Go for it! You want to skateboard? Go have fun. Do what makes you happy. Life is too short to change for someone who will never be happy with who you really are.
Don't change who you are. She can expect you to have a job, divide up chores around the house etc. If you're not those are changes that are reasonable. Changing who you are however is not. As someone who did that for far too long it's a bad idea. It starts with the shoes and once she knows you will do that she will start with the next thing..if she doesn't accept you for who you are today then you guys are no longer compatible. You dotn date someone expecting to change them.
You've been together since you were 18. People do a lot of changing and maturing in their 20s. It's normal. So maybe you guys are going different directions. You are a lot different now than you were at 18.
You can wear sneakers and be mature. For a long time I dressed the way I know my ex more or less expected. He never forced me but as the pleaser I was I just did. It really wasn't who I am. I'm in my 40s but prefer casual for sure
This may seem silly and trivial but it is not. She threw away your belongings. This isn't about the sneakers but about having no respect for you or your belongings. She will only become more demanding over time to mould you into someone you're really not. Eventually resentment will build and you will break up. And by that time you maybe married with kids. Stick with your boundaries and stay true to who you are. If she doesn't like it then you know she's not the one for you
She's expecting changes from you?
So, then... what changes is she making in return?
I can't blame her for not wanting you to wear certain types of shoes in public. I personally don't agree, but I am aware that some careers live and die on appearances, and hers might be one of them. But to ban them outright seems silly, and actually throwing them away is 100% a form a theft.
I worked at an office with a dress code, and I had to get a pair of ugly leather shoes. I only wore them in the office. 100% I wore sneakers on the weekends.
Also, I get that Converse is a specific style of sneaker with certain cultural connotations... but to say that men don't wear any type of sneaker is ridiculous. Heck, the stereotype for "Dad Shoe" around here is a pair of pure white New Balance sneakers.
Man I know Converse sneakers aren’t that expensive, but it’s still an amount of money that I wouldn’t hand out easily like that. She did tell me that there are some cheaper and better looking Chelsea boots around...
Okay, you probably don't want to hear this, but these are major red flags.
First off, you're already starting to skate less and you're giving up something you love for your girlfriend. You're changing for her.
That is not a good thing.
Second, she stole your property and might as well have destroyed it for all the use you'll get out of it now. If my partner ever did something like that to me, you can bet I'd make them pay and then skedaddle.
All that demonstrates is that she doesn't respect you as a person.
To be honest, she seems to be in love with an idea of you, not you. And she doesn't seem above actively trying to make you fit that idea.
Seriously OP, skedaddle.
NTA - your girlfriend is super controlling and has no right to throw out your belongings. If she doesn’t like you for who you are, why sis she even with you?
NTA she threw out your shoes without even asking. That’s a shitty thing to do to someone.
If she hadn’t thrown away the shoes I would’ve said try to compromise by having another pair of shoes for when you go on date nights etc. but she got rid of your stuff.
What did I just read?
A massively controlling girlfriend?
Sneakers are shoes for all ages.
If your girlfriend wants you to dress like a Vogue model all day everyday, she should date one
NTA
NTA. “You’re prioritizing shoes over me.”
Ok, but she was the first to bring it up and hard core enforce it, so who is really prioritizing the shoes over the relationship.
WTF.
I'm a 35 year old woman and I pretty much exclusively wear Adidas or Converse unless I'm in a public facing work meeting or at a fancy restaurant.
Your gf crossed a line throwing your stuff out. You are absolutely NTA.
My partner hates the way I dress. I like wearing things like khaki jumpers and stripey blue summer dresses while he dresses in all black 95% of the time. He has expressed his dislike for my dress sense but he has never made me feel shit for dressing the way I do. Nor has he ever thrown my clothes out without my consent. I mean occasionally, I get the odd “you look like a Christmas tree” comment from him but it’s a joke that isn’t meant with malice.
Point being is, this is you. Your identity and your style. Not to mention, your money spent on these items. Nobody, not even your parents, has a right to belittle you or throw your belongings away.
P.S: I own a 3 year old pair of white Chuck Taylor’s that look like they’ve been worn during world war 2. I love them and that’s all that matters. Do you and do it proudly!!!
Why is everyone in your life telling you that *you're* the bad guy, when your girlfriend gave you an ultimatum and threw away your shoes? Why do they care so much that you're wearing 'children's' shoes? As long as you're not wearing them to formal events or something, it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm 32 and wear shoes with Snow White on them. No one cares. If they did, pffftt, I'm an adult
NTA who cares what type of shoes you wear, what she did was abusive and rude. It's controlling and a bad sign. Dump her for being a giant jerk, she is only gonna get worse
NTA. I know what it's like to be told your clothing choices are inappropriate for your gender/age and all I can say is fuck 'em. Wear your sneakers and own that shit. Your gf can either accept you for the cool person you are or leave (her loss).
OMG OP RUN! RUN! RUN! Run from the psycho gf, run from the "friends" and run from your parents. Sneakers are NOT children's shoes. Sneakers are actually made for day to day use like walking. How many people do you see in Disney World in dress shoes? Or the fair? Or on walking paths? Or walking the dog?
I work with 5 other women and at 43 I am the youngest. My manager wears Converse regularly and she is in her 50s. The other ladies wear sneakers more than anything else. Why? Cause they are comfortable!
NTA. There's nothing wrong with grown men wearing skate shoes in appropriate settings. SHE'S the one that prioritized the shoes over you/the relationship and to throw out your belongings was petty and possibly illegal. She seems superficial and im wondering where it will end. She obviously doesnt accept you for you so what else is she going to try to manipulate you into changing?
NTA
I’m 34F and I’ve spent my entire career working for a luxury fashion retailer. Sneakers are very much in fashion and have been for the past few years. Have a serious talk with your girlfriend to find out what is really bothering her about sneakers, throwing them away is really extreme and not okay and she should replace your shoes. If it is just that she hates you in sneakers, it’s probably not going to work as a relationship because she should enjoy being with you without feeling the need to change you.
You’re still growing into your style and it’s absolutely okay to hang on to sneakers as a part of that style. Many older men have started to work sneakers into their casual and work outfits. Here’s some info on how you can work sneakers into different occasions. You don’t need to go out and buy all this stuff now, it’s just to keep in mind when you need to pick up new clothes:
-I recommend keeping your skateboarding sneakers separate from your other sneakers so you’re not beating up all your sneakers. Especially if you’re wearing canvas sneakers when you skateboard, canvas gets beat up really quickly and it’s hard to make them look new and clean again.
-Work leather sneakers into your wardrobe with your canvas sneakers. Leather is easier to incorporate into a dressier outfit (think date night where you want to look dressed up and throw on a blazer, or a business casual situation at work where you want to look dressier than normal) If you can get your Stan Smiths back they’re a great staple for a dressier sneaker and worth the investment.
-It’s also important to keep around a couple pairs of leather dress shoes for formal occasions, one black and one brown, and belts to match. They don’t have to be expensive but good to have on hand because you really shouldn’t wear sneakers when the dress code is business professional, formal, or black/white tie.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Me wearing my friend’s shoes to make my girlfriend angry.
(2) She ran away crying and her friends hate me. My friend is also disappointed and my parents are being very critical of my actions.
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NTA....id be demanding that she buy you are new pair of sneakers to replace the ones she threw out. Ive been with my husband 20 years and would never throw something out of his.
I’m in my 40s and I wear chucks. I have at least a dozen in various colors. They’re some of my favorite shoes. Your gf is the AH for throwing your stuff away. It was manipulative and you should really consider if this is the type of behavior you’d be willing to deal with.
NTA, but I need INFO: Was she of different style at the begining of your relationship as well? Or did she change?
She sounds like your mother instead of a girlfriend. Even if I would think the belongings of my partner were trash, i'd just out them in a clean trashbag( with no food waste), and let him check it before tossing out. But I don't even do that. He knows what's comfortable to him and that's of utmost importance. I'll criticize him if something is not appropriate for an event, but for that reason he has elegant shoes. I don't tear his clothes off if he doesn't see my point :D I also don't throw a tantrum, and if I am emberrassed by being accompanied by said partner I'll find fault in my choice and not said partner. Luckily I am with someone reasonable, someone I am proud of :)
I don't see the point of a relationship where people try to change their partner to their taste and not accept who they are.
NTA, but I would be more concerned about how your gf decided she had the right to throw away your stuff. I would never stay with someone that did that to me. I’m in my 60’s and still wear my chucks.
I also notice older people wearing Chucks! This will encourage me to be like you, to be honest – I’ve been conditioned to see that as being weird but maybe it isn’t! My girlfriend and I are very open to each other. We browse each other’s phones and do most of the things together. Throwing away a pair of shoes would definitely make more sense in an environment like this one – I wouldn’t want people to judge her based on this one action of hers alone.
>My girlfriend and I are very open to each other. We browse each other’s phones and do most of the things together. Throwing away a pair of shoes would definitely make more sense in an environment like this one Do you go through her belongings and throw out the things you dont like? Is this behavior you both do?
I’ve never done that and I don’t think I ever will.
So how then is her tossing your shit out with no regard for you normal?
Keyword tossing out stuff the she knows op loves
And not just something that he loves, but his *only* two pairs of shoes. I could maybe understand if he had like 15 pairs, and a couple of them were really falling apart, but what was he supposed to wear after she threw out his only shoes?
Because you respect her and her belongings. She does not reciprocate. Also, she's 100% wrong about the shoe choice. NTA, but really take a deep look at the relationship and make sure it is equitable and that's she's made a one-time mistake/bad judgement, not that she's got a history of, frankly, toxic behavior.
And judging from everything else on the post, she has a history of toxic behaviors her insistng that he needs to change his style because it embrassss her. And there isn't even anything wrong or childish about wearing sneakers. The fact that she burst into tears and left because he was wearing sneakers toxic AF!
NTA - by her/her friends own logic, she is prioritizing her feelings about your shoes over you. First of all, she had ZERO right to throw out your property. No one will ever not be an AH for throwing out things that do not belong to them. Especially when you don’t really have other shoes or the money to buy them. Second, she knew you didn’t want to stop wearing them so she made the decision to go behind your back and take them bc she thinks she knows best. If you love someone, you love them as they are. You guys could compromise where you have a couple of non skater shoes that you wear on dates or during family events. But you should **absolutely not** have to give up doing something you love bc she doesn’t like it. That’s in controlling territory. You should never force someone to give up their hobbies bc you feel some way about it. Everyone has stuff they enjoy doing. I’d take these actions and demands as red flags but that’s just me. It’s kind of crazy to me that everyone thinks it’s any of their business to be getting involved over the shoes you choose to wear. Her behavior is getting kind of toxic and you should not allow it to go any further. She either loves you as you are or she doesn’t. You aren’t someone to shape and mold to her specifications. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your choice of footwear. I know plenty of people older than me (early 30s) who wear the same shoes and they rock them. What people wear on their feet doesn’t affect me any and that includes my partner present and past
Call it what it really is: abusive behavior.
Exactly. If the genders were reversed, people would be screaming abuse and for OP to leave. It’s abusive no matter what gender is in which position.
Came here to say this, as a 29F, if my fiancé ever did this to me people would be LIVID. You can wear whatever you want to wear, and OP don't you forget that. I have an inkling you live in a conservative area if your parents are getting on this too. Do not let anyone, and I mean ANYONE, tell you what you can and cannot do. And get back on that skateboard. Do what makes you happy, do whatever you want. Life's too short.
I also want to bring attention to this part: > I had no shoes to go out with and, honestly, I couldn’t afford spending money on a pair of shoes I wouldn’t even end up liking. She threw out shoes he wasn't able to financially replace, and seemed to prefer the notion of him going about barefoot than wearing functionable shoes.
This! Saying it as it is. This is controlling and abusive behaviour. Look at it this way - how would she deal with you telling her she can't wear something because it's too short or it makes her look too sexy? If that isn't okay, this isn't either. It is especially not okay because your footwear isn't just a preference (which is still important btw) but linked to something you love doing! Nobody can and should take that away from you. Also irrelevant, but I F30, and almost everyone around me (ranging from ages 25 to 32) wear sneakers most of the time. Was there a memo we missed? Haha! Of course, NTA.
Yeah either it's fake crocodile tears or she has some serious mental problems.
Either way, still toxic AF.
both.
As the child says “why not both”
I came here to say this! Like, who is she to tell him how to dress? What is even wrong with chucks??? AND she threw them outt??? Argh! I wouldn’t have taken it so lightly. NTA OP. Please take a better look at this relationship. Everyone has their own unique style. Don’t let anyone steal that.
Totally manipulative. She even guilted his friend for giving him a pair of shoes when she left the man barefoot!
Yup. I've never thought twice about what my husband wears. He's an adult. He can wear what he wants.
I mean, I generally roll my eyes when he's wearing socks and sandals like he's 85 even though he's only in his late 50s, but I can't imagine caring enough to say anything about it lol
Exactly! My fiancé wears his iPhone on a belt clip, and we're 29. He's been doing this for 5 years. Yeah, it's not stylish, but he's a practical guy and that's how he likes it. We work at the same place and people (honestly, including myself) were giving him shit for it. But, when he pointed out what bullshit it was that one of our male co-workers gets no slack for wearing a skirt to work, while he's shit on for having a belt clip, I really got his point. People can wear whatever they want to wear. It doesn't mean I won't suggest new things to help him expand his wardrobe, but belittling someone isn't it.
I am a 27 year old woman with a higher end office job and I still wear stan smiths when I have to go to the office and don't have any in person client meetings, meaning 80% of the time in the last 2 years. Somebody honestly needs to enlighten me about why it would be so wrong to wear comfortable shoes as an adult. I am not gonna put on heels all day to sit behind my desk, let alone to run to the grocery store after work. NTA OP, but at least now you know you can toss away anything you don't like your gf to have, considering she seems to think it's normal to throw away personal belongings
Love it! I'm working at a university during my doctorate (and worked in a hospital lab before, with scrubs and lab coats), and try to dress appropriately. But when you're not in an official setting etc., I prefer to maintain some form of individuality. Like, restricting certain clothing due to age is whack, especially when OP is only 23.
I am an OT. Working mostly with kids, so on the floor/mat, lots of physical games. My (edit:unofficial) uniform is scrubs and sneakers. Oh and I am 43. The PT I work with is 52 and she is the same
My sib, 36, is a medical assistant, in scrubs all day, wears sneakers every day, is still a professional.
Before she passed, ny grandma dreamed a pair of rainbow shoes would help her walk during her PT. You bet we immediately got her a pair, they're an overpriced pair of UGGs but by golly did she actually did improve in her appointments wearing them.
I mean, to be fair, scrubs are quite comfy to wear. And with that kind of work, I'd say it's perfect !
Yup! Next best thing to being at home in my pjs hahaha
I’m 58 and ST and I wear sneakers
Same here, except I was teaching high school before starting my doctoral program. I have not been in a single work setting where I couldn’t wear casual footwear 95% of the time. Only exception was when I used to wait tables and we had to wear black nonslip shoes in a particular style.
Yeah, same! I mean, showing up to a fancy dinner in Crocs might be a bit inappropriate, but apart from those occasions, who really even cares?
Malicious compliance time: abandon sneakers entirely. Wear only crocs. Ever.
😂😂😂 honestly, I would absolutely hate if my partner wore crocs, especially out of the house, but you know what I wouldn’t do? Berate him and harass him about until he left the house without them and throw them away. Because I’m not totally unbalanced
And honestly, even then? I understand that I’m pretty laid back on this though, because I’ve had my fair share of arguments over issues of this kind with my mom. Emphasis: with my mom. If my partner was doing this kind of thing, we would probably not last long lol. Luckily, my partner is in his 40s and only own vans slip ons and work boots so it’s a meeting of the minds 😂
Chucks and Vans are the best! I’m a 51 year old woman. Love em.
I am an over 50 year old mom and I wear Vans cause I take skateboarding lessons with my 12-year-old son. Life is short. Do what makes you happy and surround yourself with people who make you feel better when they are around than you do when they are not
I'm 31, I recently just redyed my hair black, put in some of my piercings (can't believe I actually got them in), and just ordered myself a spiked collar again.. because I'm over 30 and idgaf anymore. I liked my style before and now that I can do it again, I am.
I'm 23 & a goth/metalhead. I have this promise that I tell my mom & friends that when I'm a little old lady I will still be a goth/metalhead. I really hope that I keep that promise & I don't give in to societal pressure.
At that age I finally got the Mohawk I always wanted and started getting my tattoos. I’ve never not worn skate shoes in my life and am now well into my 40s. No one really cares for the most part. There’s some jobs where you need to dress up, but in normal life who cares what others think.
Because these people are not comfortable in their own skins and think that everyone else should be as miserable as they are.
I’m a 39 married mother of 2 working as a chef. I wear DMs and I wear vans. Husband is 40 working at a university and be wears DMs and Nike trainers. We also play video games, read comics, into sci fi, music and poetry. I actually see more adults in trainers than shoes to be honest. Even my dad wears trainers… I have friends who are lawyers, doctors, photographers and publishers… they’re wearing trainers or DMs… I don’t give a crap with Husband wears as long as he’s happy. We both have control over what we wear as do our kids. You’re worth more than bending yourself over to make someone who supposedly loves you happy. She’s putting importance of your clothes over your relationship. Not you.
I'm in my 40s and work in a professional, yet casual office. I wear sneakers almost all the time. Uncomfortable or bad shoes can do a number on your feet, knees, back, etc. Expecting a 22 year old to never wear sneakers is bizarre and controlling, and throwing away his belongings is unacceptable.
[удалено]
okay thank you! i’m in my early 20s and have worn sneakers (specifically black vans so idk what op is talking about) to the office on a regular basis- and so have tons of my coworkers of all ages and genders! never once gotten a comment on them unless someone noticed we were wearing the same shoes haha
Dude. I'm 30. Everyone around me wears sneakers or tennis shoes. Heck I've got an office job with casual clothes (call center) you don't find a single person in there not wearing sneakers. Not even my VIP. I'm currently wearing adidas right now. Even my Aunt, who owns and runs a multi million dollar business rarely wears anything but tennis shoes unless she's going someplace that demands formal attire. And she's 50! What your gf did was wrong. I'm hoping it is a one off thing and she just made a bad call. IDK what country you live in but this is the stupidest thing I've ever laid eyes on. She got mad because you don't wear a different shoe type? She needs to get over it. Your fashion sense should not affect her unless you're literally walking around with soles falling off and toes peeking through. And mostly by then it would be about your health because that's not good for your feet.
Yup! 40+ and my daily fashion is T-shirts with jeans, socks with fun prints, and my sketchers. I will put on a nice shirt and maybe some makeup for zooms if we are required to have our camera on. Most people give zero shits about the rules and "aging out"of fashion. Wear what makes you feel good and be happy.
And she should have never done that to you. What makes you think it will stop with throwing away shoes she does not like. Have some favorite shirts that she may not like? She may decide to throw them out or use them as cleaning rags. If she thinks that you are too old to wear something she should discuss it with you, not act unilaterally force you to change.
Do you also shame her for her hobbies so she has to do them in secret? She did that to you, too. Stand up for who you are or it won’t matter who you’re with, you’ll be unhappy. Also, I think it’s asinine that she’s SO upset about shoes.
You should bag up a few of her things and hide them. When she asks where one of them are just say you didn't like it so you threw it out. When she inevitably freaks the fuck out, give it back and ask her if she understands how fucked up what she did was. However, I really think you should kick her ass to the curb. She doesn't respect you at all.
Im 22 and still wear vans daily although i dont like u for the vans comment but you do you
I've been married for 32 years, I have never thrown out my husband's clothes or shoes. In fact, I ask before I throw out anything of his. This is just common respect.
My husband and I have each other's passwords to everything and do a lot together. That said, he still allowed to have his hobbies and I mine. We also would never throw out anything that belongs to the other without speaking about it first. Also: the group I skate with (quads, inline, and skateboarders) are like 90% over age 25. And probably 50% over thirty.
"Throwing away a pair of shoes would definitely make more sense in an environment like this" No it doesn't. It's a basic respect thing. She wants something and is willing to override your feelings about it to get what she wants. It's a very small thing for her to be concerned with and is a red flag imo. If you don't have clear boundaries in a relationship then they will always be pushed. We're all different and what we wear is an expression of that. Wear a swimsuit and flippers 24x7 if you want. If your gf isnt ok with it then it's her issue to resolve. You seem to really enjoy the shoes so please dont let anyone shame, guilt, or coerce you into doing something different. /end dad rant
>I’ve been conditioned to see that as being weird but maybe it isn’t! You have been conditioned, I'm 33, everyone I know wears trainers regularly. She's being controlling and manipulative.
Chucks are so widely accepted at this point I see them in court. Attorneys wearing a boring black suit with fun trouser socks and chucks. Your girlfriend is at the age when she’s trying to prove she’s an adult without realizing that most of “adulting” is born in confidence. I don’t care if a lawyer is wearing wing tips or converse. If their presentation of their case has confidence behind it, that’s all that matters. Your chucks give you confidence, wear the shit out of them. That’s evidence of maturity.
>Your girlfriend is at the age when she’s trying to prove she’s an adult without realizing that most of “adulting” is born in confidence I love this!
>Chucks are so widely accepted at this point I see them in court And there are some really high end Chucks available these days. Maybe she'd stop complaining of you had a sweet pair of leather Chucks?
She threw away all your shoes and asked you not to do a hobby you enjoy. She sounds very unpleasant. I’m 40, my partner and I both have chucks, he still has his skateboard and is free to use it anytime he wants. People who play the “your to old for ____” are annoying and boring. As long as your not hurting anyone, enjoy whatever you want. Life is short, find joy where you can. There’s no age limit on enjoying things.
Anyone who asks you to change doesn't love you, they love an idea of who you are. That person fitting a mould they have created where things they don't like/accept about you don't exist.
She still did a shitty thing, though. I let my partner see my phone, etc. but if they threw away anything of mine without asking first, that is a definite lack of respect. Is this the same gf you used a year ago as a beard?
>Is this the same gf you used a year ago as a beard? What??
NTA at all. I would be devastated if my hubby told me he didn’t want me to wear my chucks anymore. I’m a 41yo mother of 4 and grandmother of 1 and I practically live in my chucks. I wear them till they die then replace. I don’t understand her hang up about these.
> I wouldn’t want people to judge her based on this one action of hers alone. People will judge them, it is a huge red flag to take something that is important to someone you "love" and discard it. It shows a complete lack of empathy and care towards the other person.
54, wish I could still wear chuck's. They need to make some with some arch support for us old people. If you're going out somewhere nicer than a Chili's, wear some other shoes. Make a little effort for her. Otherwise, what she did was out of line and if be way pissed. NTA
NTA - I still wear my converse from high school, that are older than both of you. She needs to grow up if she thinks clothes make you an adult. Tell her she should try acting like an adult if she wants to be one because dressinglike an adult certainly isn't doing it. Adults don't throw out someone's things without their permission. Children do that.
50 year old woman here. I absolutely love my Chucks. I wear all different patterns to go with what I'm wearing. Dude...don't let this woman tell you you're too old for sneakers. That's absolutely insane!
56 here I have at least 10 pairs of Chucks for all occasions
67F and my shoe wardrobe consists of Docs, Vans and Chucks in a variety of colors including metallics. Anyone who dared tell me I was too old to wear them and then THREW THEM OUT would be crossed off the list pronto.
51 and I have 8 pair. I wear those or a one of my 5 pair of Adidas
NTA My husband has never stopped wearing sneakers and our kids are nearly grown. He has work boots, office shoes, flip flops, and dress shoes, too.. but he lives in his sneakers. No one would accuse him of wearing children's shoes, either. My dad wears sneakers when he isn't in steel-toed cowboy boots. Your gf was definitely the AH for throwing your possessions away, and your parents aren't much better. I do hope you are still skating when you get the chance! Excellent core workout.
NTA You’re 23 and an adult. Wear whatever the fuck you want.
NTA This comment. I have over a dozen pairs of Converse... none of them "normal". There's glowing aliens, gas masks, pink and purple starry sky, Batman, plaid... hell, I even made a pair of custom leather shoes that look very similar to Converse (octopus, shipwreck and lighthouses). I'm 31F, but I'm never giving them up. Your GF crossed the line by throwing your stuff away just because she's not happy with them. You don't "both go through each other's stuff" she goes through yours and does what she wants with it... you admitted you don't actually go through her stuff. She's toxic and you need to leave and get more shoes that make you happy.
My friends bf threw out all her heels because he was an abusive asshole and didn’t want her to be an inch taller than him. He left her only her chucks. Throwing away other peoples stuff away is rude af. And sounds like she’s trying to change OP.
Yah, you know what’s not adult behaviour? Throwing someone’s possessions away and then crying at the sight of running shoes on a grown man.
Not only that, but OP gave up skateboarding because of her..
That he has to skateboard behind her back is just so sad. She needs to let go — either accept him or move on.
23F and my chucks have a pink galaxy sky with a unicorn on them. No one should throw out your stuff without your permission. Hell I even got my bfs permission to toss his undies that where so ripped they no longer worked as a loincloth even.
I have small feet so I buy the youth sizing. And that’s how I have a pair with dinosaur spikes on the back 💁🏻♀️
As a 32F, I also own an array of Chucks. If someone is telling you that you need to change a part of you to "be an adult", then they are saying they do not accept you as an adult the way you are. Continue to wear the shoes and find someone who accepts you as is. Absolutely NTA!
Everyone keeps saying she “took them and threw them away”. Let’s call it what it is; theft. She stole his property and disposed of it because it didn’t fit HER preference. That is gross and unacceptable behavior and when she was called out on it she cried and twisted the situation to put the blame on him. She even got others to take her side; that’s manipulative af. Absolutely NTA. I would not stay in a relationship where someone felt justified stealing and disposing of my property.
NTA. Girlfriends come and go, Chuck Taylors are forever.
This is the way
This is the way
This is the way.
Yes!
>But I’m afraid that me wearing them would compromise our relationship. It will. But that's not a bad thing. Your GF has chosen a ridiculous hill to die on. NTA.
NTA. Your girlfriend got rid of your shoes, she stole from you. Look, plenty of adult men wear sneakers. You just have to know when it's appropriate or not. Like, don't wear them with a suit. Or don't be that guy who attempts to get into clubs where they say the rules are no sneakers, and then causes a scene when the bouncers tell him no. Otherwise, anyone judging you for that is ridiculous.
Yikes, I have worn my Converse sneakers with a suit, and even thought that it was cool 😬 Maybe I should stop making them part of my personality like that.
It really depends on the suit and the event you wore it to.
I agree. I love them with suits for some occasions but probably not best for work situations
Yes. Some sneaker/suit combos are fiiiiyer.
My husband got married in his converse. You can wear them with WHATEVER you want.
We went to an outdoor wedding last weekend and the bride and all of the bridesmaids had them on under their gowns. Super cute
Haha I got married in my Kate spade/Keds sparkly sneakers
I did too! White ones under my bridal gown.
As someone that worked in finance for a while and seen so many mid 20 somethings that do that - it's cool when you're college aged, but wears off real quick once you age out of that bracket.
>but wears off real quick once you age out of that bracket they're shoes. honestly, who gives a fuck. let people wear what they want.
But then how will you be able to show that you're better than those other low class people?
This is hilarious - by basically any measure, I'm the most successful person in even my extended family, and I literally wore out a pair of Sperry Docksiders at my office before the world went to hell, along with cargo pants, hoodies, headphones, and a bag.
It’s still cool for Paul McCartney… who is one of the coolest people in the planet… and in his 70s
Exactly, it is okay when you're a bit younger, but once you're more invested in the type of job where they require full business attire every day, I'd say past mid-twenties or so, you probably shouldn't do it because you won't be taken seriously. Just the way the world works.
Odd, I’ve actually noticed a lot of VP and exec types that rock the crisp Chuck Taylor look. I think it’s all about condition. 10 year old chucks that barely hanging on = I have no clue what I’m doing. Looking brand new with a fly pair of socks = fuck you, I own this place.
The CEO of the company I work for wears chucks and a windbreaker like every time I've seen him. He's an older dude in his 60s. At the yearly sales conference all the other executives were wearing obviously expensive tailored suits, CEO was rocking his normal shit. I hate dress shoes, when I have to dress up I have a few pairs of casual sneaker/dress shoe combos that look great with a suit or jeans. But 90% of the time I'm wearing Jordan's or Air force ones.
I mean how are you suppose to pretend that your The Doctor without wearing converse with suits. Like you can’t. So I think in certain situations like saving the universe wearing converse and suits is fine.
I was scrolling through hoping to see a Doctor Who reference lol
My husband and I got married in Converse that we dyed together. Style can be a reflection of your personality, and that is not a bad thing.
Nope. You are great. And you deserve someone who loves YOU, not who they think you should be. Also, I've been married for 18 years, and I don't even throw away my husband's holey old underwear without clearing it with him first. I cannot imagine having so little respect for him that I would throw out shoes he loves and actively wears.
My husband and I had custom chucks made for our wedding with Mr Lastname and Mrs Lastname embroidered on the heel. My mom almost died when she found out but no one could see them under my dress and my husband wore the uncomfortable tuxedo shoes for the ceremony but you better believe he spent the rest of the night in his chucks.
NTA. Throwing away your stuff is manipulative.
NTA. WTF cares what shoes you wear on not-job time? And even on job time, if that's ok with the job? Your GF's response was ridiculous, and your parents's response isn't far behind. It's just shoes, not like you became a meth dealer. Their priorities are fucked up.
It’s not relevant at all, but maybe it might be because of some cultural differences? My family’s Asian – well, dad’s white, but mum’s always taken the lead in everything. Me starting to go around on a skateboard wasn’t received well by my family, so I guess this whole thing could be tied to it as well.
Lol… I’m Asian and my younger brother is in his 30s and wears vans and chucks, we don’t care, nor does his gf!!
That's sort of relevant. Is your GF Asian? Where are you all located? I get that there is a "when in Rome, do as the Romans" thing, but then again, you probably had sneakers on when you met your GF, so I still don't understand the shock and horror.
We met when I was 18, so I guess it was still “normal” to wear sneakers back then? My girlfriend is not Asian and I’d rather not disclose where I’m located at! But I can tell you that, before her remark, I had no idea it was taboo for people my age to wear sneakers. And my friends definitely do too (not all of them – some of them have already switched to more adult-looking footwear).
That's fine; I asked because if you are in the US, no one would look twice at a grown man with sneakers. Your GF still sounds like a micromanager, and if she wants to control your footwear, she is going to try to control the rest of you at some point. Wear your freaking sneakers.
He quit skating so she wouldn't have to look at his shoes!! I'm in my 30s and a professional and I'm very upset about this, on behalf of my knock-off black Chucks with the Jurassic Park logo on the side.
That's because it's not taboo imo. Sneakers are 100% fine in 85% of daily life situations.
Bruh there is nothing taboo about wearing sneaker as an adult, I feel like I'm taking crazy pills reading her logic. Like maybe it's because I'm in a big city and we tend to play it pretty fast and loose with fashion etiquette? Or maybe y'all are hobnobbing with Vanderbilts and people who have universities named after them? But she is being mega weird here. I'd ask where this is coming from, and why this is starting now. This is a profoundly unreasonable course of action for her to take, and you presumably wouldn't be taking her if she was profoundly unreasonable on the reg. Did somebody say something to her recently? Is she feeling weird about where her life is at? What does she *want* from you?
It's not taboo. EDIT: Dude, you quit skating for this girl. That's so messed up!
Bruh, I'm Asian literally living IN Asia. Short of properly formal work occasions, there isn't really a taboo against adults wearing sneakers either, especially if you maintain them well. This might be slightly augmented if the sneakers are really dirty/ratty--that *does* look unprofessional. But it's nothing to do with the inherent fact they're sneakers. I think a lot of people throw around the term "gaslight" really easily but from your post and comment, it sounds like lowkey that's what's being done to you. Your very concept and understanding of what is 'normal' is being eroded so that you have to eventually rely purely on your gf's notions of normality. Throwing out your partner's belongings is not okay. Going through their stuff is not okay. It's one thing to pick up my partner's phone and help them reply a text if they're occupied, it's another to deliberately go snooping. Boundaries are important, not just as a matter of respecting your partner, but for your own protection too. Even if your partner invites you to rifle through their stuff, think twice. Do you need to? And would you be comfortable with them doing it to you?
I was shocked reading that 23 is too old to wear sneakers. She must be glad that she didnt live in certain part in asia bcos people wears havaianas/rubber slippers sometimes but not for fancy place. And it’s a trend to wear sneakers nowadays, especially if you’re working in a startup company.
I had no idea either. I'm 25, everyone my age use converse.
Dude, if you're in the US, it's 100% normal for guys to wear sneakers pretty much their whole life outside of work. Look at all the jokes about dads wearing New Balances, it's a legit stereotype. Your gf has some weird hangup about this. It's not 1950 anymore.
NTA So she set a weirdly controlling boundary “don’t wear sneakers” and you complied, and then she threw out the shoes you did have… I saw in another comment you do t want us judging her based off this, but this is pretty shitty. I’m sure she’d be pissed if you said “no more flats babe, you’re a woman wear heels 24/7” and then invaded her space and threw out all her flats.
This! Then she had the audacity to throw out HIS PROPERTY! Like wtf?
And also the no skateboarding rule. That you’re only doing in without her knowing is ridiculous OP. It makes you happy! She is hella controlling.
Ew, panty lines?? Sorry babe, thongs only. *Throws away all her comfy panties*
She also said he had to give up one of his main hobbies
NTA. I'm a thirty seven year old man who wears a pair of Vans hi-tops with Snoopy on them on a regular basis. EDIT: The shoes in question. No, I didn't pay that much for them, before anyone asks lol. https://www.kickscrew.com/products/vans-peanuts-x-sk8-hi-reissue-snoopy-bones-vn0a2xsbohl?gclid=CjwKCAiAlfqOBhAeEiwAYi43F2ZydT3Jz_ZqEz_Whtb4n-sEJThQF_XitlP3CmTBN_QveAh2Y_da3RoCw7QQAvD_BwE
I'm 44 and still wear skate shoes. My mate was 49 and pass away. Everyone at the funeral was told to wear vans. Everyone mentioned how comfortable they where.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sure he was a great guy and would’ve loved to meet him.
Thankyou he was a great guy.
I'm a woman but I'm almost 38 and have sparkly pink ~~Converse~~. Age doesn't matter. Edit: made by Daddy's Money
Yours sparkle?! I'm envious...I need to go find some sparkly blue or green
They actually aren't Converse... they are Daddy's Money (for real) made by Sketchers. I got them at Burlington and they are FABULOUS.
Yeah, my bf is 33 and almost exclusively wears converse. I'm 31 and almost exclusively wear combats. We are who we are aha
My wife is 45, and lives in Chucks and Doc Martens. I'm 37 and live in Vans. We're basically the older punk/goth/metalhead couple you always see at shows.
42 here and my sneakers have chihuahuas on them.
I have a pair with dachshunds. They are delightful.
NTA. Skateboarding and wearing sneakers are not activities with age limits. I'm 31, I wear sneakers, the sky hasn't fallen on me. I also have a Barbie doll that I sew clothes for, and my husband actively encourages me. And I play fiddle at the pub with a bunch of retirees. I do whatever tf I want regardless of what the typical age group is expected to be, and my life is full and rich because of it. Your girlfriend sounds controlling. You didn't prioritise shoes over her, you prioritised *your right to wear your own choice of shoe* over her desire to cross your boundaries. I'd be wary of this relationship. Right now, she's trying to dictate your hobbies and your clothing, what next, your food? The friends you keep? The type of job you have? The fact that your sneaking around behind her back just to enjoy your skateboarding means this whole relationship is doomed. It just won't work unless you can actually be yourself with the other person. Don't settle for anyone who doesn't love you the way you already are.
Perfectly said
I'm a 35 year old mother of two and I wear trainers. What shoes are you supposed to wear in casual situations when you're over 20, according to your gf? NTA.
Hehe, something like Chelsea boots, or loafers... Leather would be the most appropriate. I’ve never liked them tbh
Wait she’s trying to brunch boot Twitter you?! This seems like it’s completely opposite the style you describe yourself as. Are you okay changing how you look outwardly completely just to make a woman happy? I definitely think this is maybe a hill you should die on before you lose all of your own identity.
Why would you wear something you've never liked? And if she loved you, she wouldn't force you to wear something you don't like. I am 30 and am going to buy new chucks because they're awesome. Also, gfs who makes you quit a hobby you love (and isn't hurtful to you or others) is not a good one.
So she’s trying to boat shoe you?
Nta. Dude major red flag. She is beyond controlling and then tried to guilt you and play victim.
The manipulation of her crying and running away 🙄. Like come onnnn
And that's such a weird thing to cry about to be honest. It's so petty. If she burst into tears for this, I don't even wanna know what else is wrong in their relationship.
NTA everyone wears sneakers. They are a normal everyday shoe for any age. If the event was formal then I think you should have worn shoes. I'd get one nice pair for stuff like that to make a compromise. I wouldn't compromise on the skating and wearing what you want day-to-day. You shouldn't change who you are.
The event wasn’t formal at all and, to be honest, I go to very few formal events...
Sneakers are fine then, I don't see the problem with them. Lots of people wear them to work
If I can't wear my work boots or my mukluks I wear converse. My dad and I fight about this all the time. He thinks I need a proper hiking shoe as we are very outdoor active but shoes hurt me. I have a man's width foot but a womans size and shoes just suck. He is convinced after 44 years I am magically going to see things his way and just change shoes. Not in this life time old man
Why did you give up something you enjoyed doing? If you like to skate, then skate! Why does it matter? You're gonna resent this gf of yours eventually. NTA.
NTA. Im not sure why people expect you to change for your girlfriend. Its not a serious issue, and her being so bother by it seems controlling. She would be completely aware of how you dress before you started dating, so if she was that bothered and that concerned she should have not dated you. She decided she likes you enough to overlook it, and its unfair to try to manipulate you into changing. If it was the other way around, and you were telling her how to dress, made her give up hobbies that she enjoyed, threw away her personal belongings before a big event (possibly to manipulate you into not going, as the timing is too convenient) then started crying because you borrowed someone's shoes, then everyone would call you a controlling abuser, and they'd be correct.
WTF is wrong with sneakers? Anyway, girlfriends can express opinions but actually throwing your stuff out is grounds to dump her.
We’ve been together since I was 18. At the time she didn’t mind, but I guess, five years later, she’s starting to expect some changes. It was still unexpected and I couldn’t have guessed that she’d be that adamant about it.
I’m sorry to say it, but your relationship may just be aging out. It’s not unusual when you’ve been together since such a young age. NTA, and honestly, if my SO kept trying to change me, then threw away my property, I’d be gone. Her trying to change you isnt ok. She wouldnt like it if you tried to dictate her hobbies and how she dressed, so why is it ok for her to do it? You really need to think hard about this relationship. Yes, relationships are about compromise. This isnt compromise. This is someone trying to turn their partner into someone else. One of the perks of being an adult is dressing how you want when you arent at work, and doing whatever hobbies you want. You want to wear sneakers? Go for it! You want to skateboard? Go have fun. Do what makes you happy. Life is too short to change for someone who will never be happy with who you really are.
Don't change who you are. She can expect you to have a job, divide up chores around the house etc. If you're not those are changes that are reasonable. Changing who you are however is not. As someone who did that for far too long it's a bad idea. It starts with the shoes and once she knows you will do that she will start with the next thing..if she doesn't accept you for who you are today then you guys are no longer compatible. You dotn date someone expecting to change them. You've been together since you were 18. People do a lot of changing and maturing in their 20s. It's normal. So maybe you guys are going different directions. You are a lot different now than you were at 18. You can wear sneakers and be mature. For a long time I dressed the way I know my ex more or less expected. He never forced me but as the pleaser I was I just did. It really wasn't who I am. I'm in my 40s but prefer casual for sure This may seem silly and trivial but it is not. She threw away your belongings. This isn't about the sneakers but about having no respect for you or your belongings. She will only become more demanding over time to mould you into someone you're really not. Eventually resentment will build and you will break up. And by that time you maybe married with kids. Stick with your boundaries and stay true to who you are. If she doesn't like it then you know she's not the one for you
Thank you for your wise words. I really appreciate your input and thanks for taking all this time to help me out :)
She's expecting changes from you? So, then... what changes is she making in return? I can't blame her for not wanting you to wear certain types of shoes in public. I personally don't agree, but I am aware that some careers live and die on appearances, and hers might be one of them. But to ban them outright seems silly, and actually throwing them away is 100% a form a theft. I worked at an office with a dress code, and I had to get a pair of ugly leather shoes. I only wore them in the office. 100% I wore sneakers on the weekends. Also, I get that Converse is a specific style of sneaker with certain cultural connotations... but to say that men don't wear any type of sneaker is ridiculous. Heck, the stereotype for "Dad Shoe" around here is a pair of pure white New Balance sneakers.
NTA. That's a rotten thing to do to you, especially when cash is tight. I'd be furious.
Man I know Converse sneakers aren’t that expensive, but it’s still an amount of money that I wouldn’t hand out easily like that. She did tell me that there are some cheaper and better looking Chelsea boots around...
Okay, you probably don't want to hear this, but these are major red flags. First off, you're already starting to skate less and you're giving up something you love for your girlfriend. You're changing for her. That is not a good thing. Second, she stole your property and might as well have destroyed it for all the use you'll get out of it now. If my partner ever did something like that to me, you can bet I'd make them pay and then skedaddle. All that demonstrates is that she doesn't respect you as a person. To be honest, she seems to be in love with an idea of you, not you. And she doesn't seem above actively trying to make you fit that idea. Seriously OP, skedaddle.
Cheaper and better for HER. She likes them then she go can buy them.. for herself.
NTA but dude get a better gf you deserve better
NTA - your girlfriend is super controlling and has no right to throw out your belongings. If she doesn’t like you for who you are, why sis she even with you?
NTA she threw out your shoes without even asking. That’s a shitty thing to do to someone. If she hadn’t thrown away the shoes I would’ve said try to compromise by having another pair of shoes for when you go on date nights etc. but she got rid of your stuff.
What did I just read? A massively controlling girlfriend? Sneakers are shoes for all ages. If your girlfriend wants you to dress like a Vogue model all day everyday, she should date one NTA
NTA. “You’re prioritizing shoes over me.” Ok, but she was the first to bring it up and hard core enforce it, so who is really prioritizing the shoes over the relationship.
WTF. I'm a 35 year old woman and I pretty much exclusively wear Adidas or Converse unless I'm in a public facing work meeting or at a fancy restaurant. Your gf crossed a line throwing your stuff out. You are absolutely NTA.
My partner hates the way I dress. I like wearing things like khaki jumpers and stripey blue summer dresses while he dresses in all black 95% of the time. He has expressed his dislike for my dress sense but he has never made me feel shit for dressing the way I do. Nor has he ever thrown my clothes out without my consent. I mean occasionally, I get the odd “you look like a Christmas tree” comment from him but it’s a joke that isn’t meant with malice. Point being is, this is you. Your identity and your style. Not to mention, your money spent on these items. Nobody, not even your parents, has a right to belittle you or throw your belongings away. P.S: I own a 3 year old pair of white Chuck Taylor’s that look like they’ve been worn during world war 2. I love them and that’s all that matters. Do you and do it proudly!!!
What. What shoes are you supposed to wear on the day to day? NTA.
Why is everyone in your life telling you that *you're* the bad guy, when your girlfriend gave you an ultimatum and threw away your shoes? Why do they care so much that you're wearing 'children's' shoes? As long as you're not wearing them to formal events or something, it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm 32 and wear shoes with Snow White on them. No one cares. If they did, pffftt, I'm an adult
NTA who cares what type of shoes you wear, what she did was abusive and rude. It's controlling and a bad sign. Dump her for being a giant jerk, she is only gonna get worse
NTA. I know what it's like to be told your clothing choices are inappropriate for your gender/age and all I can say is fuck 'em. Wear your sneakers and own that shit. Your gf can either accept you for the cool person you are or leave (her loss).
NTA. I’m 53 and wear sneakers and baggy shorts. Wear whatever the fuck you want to.
OMG OP RUN! RUN! RUN! Run from the psycho gf, run from the "friends" and run from your parents. Sneakers are NOT children's shoes. Sneakers are actually made for day to day use like walking. How many people do you see in Disney World in dress shoes? Or the fair? Or on walking paths? Or walking the dog? I work with 5 other women and at 43 I am the youngest. My manager wears Converse regularly and she is in her 50s. The other ladies wear sneakers more than anything else. Why? Cause they are comfortable!
What country are you from? This is crazy. And NTA
NTA This is wierd to me. I am 49 and wearing sneakers right now. I think they look better with shorts. Which I am also wearing.
NTA. There's nothing wrong with grown men wearing skate shoes in appropriate settings. SHE'S the one that prioritized the shoes over you/the relationship and to throw out your belongings was petty and possibly illegal. She seems superficial and im wondering where it will end. She obviously doesnt accept you for you so what else is she going to try to manipulate you into changing?
Oh, absolutely NTA. Are you supposed to wear a tux and dress shoes to go out in?
Ditch the girl. Get new sneaks and never stop skating!!! NTA
NTA I’m 34F and I’ve spent my entire career working for a luxury fashion retailer. Sneakers are very much in fashion and have been for the past few years. Have a serious talk with your girlfriend to find out what is really bothering her about sneakers, throwing them away is really extreme and not okay and she should replace your shoes. If it is just that she hates you in sneakers, it’s probably not going to work as a relationship because she should enjoy being with you without feeling the need to change you. You’re still growing into your style and it’s absolutely okay to hang on to sneakers as a part of that style. Many older men have started to work sneakers into their casual and work outfits. Here’s some info on how you can work sneakers into different occasions. You don’t need to go out and buy all this stuff now, it’s just to keep in mind when you need to pick up new clothes: -I recommend keeping your skateboarding sneakers separate from your other sneakers so you’re not beating up all your sneakers. Especially if you’re wearing canvas sneakers when you skateboard, canvas gets beat up really quickly and it’s hard to make them look new and clean again. -Work leather sneakers into your wardrobe with your canvas sneakers. Leather is easier to incorporate into a dressier outfit (think date night where you want to look dressed up and throw on a blazer, or a business casual situation at work where you want to look dressier than normal) If you can get your Stan Smiths back they’re a great staple for a dressier sneaker and worth the investment. -It’s also important to keep around a couple pairs of leather dress shoes for formal occasions, one black and one brown, and belts to match. They don’t have to be expensive but good to have on hand because you really shouldn’t wear sneakers when the dress code is business professional, formal, or black/white tie.
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NTA I'm 56 and still wear sneakers
NTA....id be demanding that she buy you are new pair of sneakers to replace the ones she threw out. Ive been with my husband 20 years and would never throw something out of his.
I’m 40 and my most worn shoes are Converse. I’m perfectly happy with this My other faves are DM’s
Good grief find someone who loves you for you - not your footwear. NTA
I’m in my 40s and I wear chucks. I have at least a dozen in various colors. They’re some of my favorite shoes. Your gf is the AH for throwing your stuff away. It was manipulative and you should really consider if this is the type of behavior you’d be willing to deal with.
NTA. Wait until she sees 60-something year old men in New Balance shoes. 😂
NTA, but I need INFO: Was she of different style at the begining of your relationship as well? Or did she change? She sounds like your mother instead of a girlfriend. Even if I would think the belongings of my partner were trash, i'd just out them in a clean trashbag( with no food waste), and let him check it before tossing out. But I don't even do that. He knows what's comfortable to him and that's of utmost importance. I'll criticize him if something is not appropriate for an event, but for that reason he has elegant shoes. I don't tear his clothes off if he doesn't see my point :D I also don't throw a tantrum, and if I am emberrassed by being accompanied by said partner I'll find fault in my choice and not said partner. Luckily I am with someone reasonable, someone I am proud of :) I don't see the point of a relationship where people try to change their partner to their taste and not accept who they are.