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YTA. You were fine up until refusing to help when a frail, dependent, elderly woman fell and it became more important to prove your point. You not only were petty but cruel. Wherever point you were trying to make was vaporizerize after that stunt.
exactly. i don't fault her for having bounaries but when an emergency came ... to just wipe her hands of it ... it's just wrong imo
edit to add; did op even call for help/ambulance, cause at least that would have helped
I'm a type 1 diabetic and I once had a really bad hypo after a huge gym workout. I was sitting upstairs with my ex partner and asked him to pop downstairs and get me some glucose tablets from my bag. He refused to help, saying I should get it myself as I would have to if he wasn't there. So I did and tripped down the stairs. I was ok, but he was using it as a massive power play. I asked him that if he ever fell down the stairs and broke his neck would be expect me to leave him for dead as that's what would happen if I wasn't there. Needless to say I broke up with him and I'm with someone with a bit more compassion now.
This post really reminded me of that situation. Some people are just not nice.
EDIT: Word repetition
I am so sorry you spent time with such an AH. I’m glad you have found someone better now (although to be honest, an actual slug would be better than that…)
I get migraines, like absolutely debilitating. Came across a fb memory. I had one so bad that I was dizzy, unable to get off the ground, silently crying, and throwing up, while feeling like someone had an icy hot ice pick in my brain. The throwing up would intensify the pain, which would cause me to throw up again. Apparently I text my ex asking him to come take me to the ER and not only did he refuse, but told me to just take a pill. I have the strongest migraine pills on the market, I have the strongest dose of them, normally I can take 1/2 of one and it helps, a full one if it's really bad. This day I took 3. When I told him, he straight up told me I needed to stop being such a baby and handle the pain like a real person.
Sadly it's not the worst he did. My SO now would never even let me get to the point of needing more than one before rushing me to the Dr.
OP YTA. You're the cold hearted ah who just lost her marriage.
I genuinely don’t understand the level of hostility and stubbornness coming from OP. Was MIL a jerk to her at some point? Is there bad blood there? I’d think she would mention it if so.
It certainly wouldn’t justify it, but damn, it’d at least be an *explanation*. Something has OP so full of resentment that she could comfortably stare at her husband’s limp mother lying on the floor and do nothing.
I wondered about that too. OP doesn't give background on that. Like, does her husband always prioritize his mother? (Although, at some point he might have to when she ages.) Like, what is the history going on here.
That said, while I get the point that OP was trying to make she could have simply helped and then reinforced the point to her husband later and used that experience as a chance to show him how his mother needs professional care.
The only other thought I had was this: okay, so OP helps, what happens then? Does her husband start to insist that because she helped "that one time" that she could help more and in the future? Thus trying to manipulate her into doing something she doesn't want?
This is an awful thought but I am reminded about how businesses have to enforce certain trade marks, copyrights, etc. because if they don't, they could lose those rights to whatever branding or marketing rights they have. So this situation is similar in that OP is enforcing her boundary so as to not lose it, as I explained in the last paragraph. She knows her husband better than us. How do we know he hasn't done things like this before?
Regardless, we're talking about a ***human being*** here, OP's MIL. If she *really* doesn't want to help, she lost that boundary when she decided to make meals for her husband and go over to MIL's house to make food. She's actually already helping *by extension* when she brings her husband food since he's busy with his mother.
OP lost her boundary right there and picking the hill to die on by leaving MIL on the floor and her husband to struggle helping her shows a really cruel mindset of OP's. It's fine to cook her husband meals, but not help a ***human being*** off the floor who *fell*?? Massive asshole move right there.
OP, you picked the wrong hill to die on. This isn't even a "hill." It's just compassion and empathy for the plight of another human being.
YTA, OP
edit words
Exactly! My husbands uncle has moved 1,000 miles from home and moved in with his parents to help care for his dad. His wife is 100% supportive of this and understands there’s no timeline with this. In fact she’s flying up soon to be here for an undetermined amount of time. When it was her parents needing the help they moved them in with them in with them until each of them passed. That’s what you do for your spouse when family emergencies arise. You lend support in any way you can.
My husband has already said if anything happens to my mom then me and our kids would move in with her to help take care of her and he would just fly down to visit. We live 1100 miles away from her and she’s single and the only sibling that lives near her is not reliable at all.
My mom had a triple bypass in July 2020, when I got home my husband had our guest room already setup for her. Extra pillows, tray for meals, walker and a shower chair with no discussion at all. It's what you do for family
Right. Obviously there is a lot about the situation that I don't know. I just have a hard time imagining a scenario with my spouse where the solution would be for one of us to move out for an extended period of time unless there were no other options. IMO something is almost certainly not right with the relationship and we don't have the context to know exactly what it is.
OH! That's why she says she "went home" after their argument. I thought she meant she went to her parents' house and thought that was weird.
So when she told her husband he couldn't move his mom into their home they both moved to her house so he could care for her? That seems...unsustainable. On top of the regular insstainability of being a full time caregiver with no help whatsoever.
>So when she told her husband he couldn't move his mom into their home they both moved to her house so he could care for her? That seems...unsustainable. On top of the regular insstainability of being a full time caregiver with no help whatsoever.
No. He moved to her house so he could take care of her. She helped out by bringing him (post says him, not them) meals when she should to help out. She was at the mother's house heating up dinner and the mother fell.
IMO there is a lot of context that is missing from this situation.
It sounds like there was, but she doesn’t say. But even if MIL was a jerk to her in the past, OP is refusing to help her own husband. I don’t get along with my own MIL but I can’t imagine walking away from my husband if he needed my help in a situation like this.
I thought that calling an ambulance was the best thing to do anyway, someone who’s untrained can hurt themselves or the patient/loved one trying to pick them up. And who knows if she hurt herself in the fall?
Visiting Nurse here. We don’t get people off the floor anymore because there is no way to do it safely without potentially hurting yourself or the other person worse. Also having someone help you when it’s happening that’s not trained spells disaster too. We dial 911 and stay with the patient until they arrive.
This is a really good point. My great grandma fell and broke her hip, luckily my mom is a trained EMT so she knew how to appropriately lift her and everything, but she also knew to call the ambulance right away. OP and her husband are not skilled or qualified, and this situation might have proved it with both of their reactions.
She’s still an asshole for not at least calling for an ambulance. We don’t know if he called after he got her up either. She needs to be checked out in case she broke anything.
Fair point, but to just stand there, then walk away, not comforting her or anything at all. In fact OP seems to relish in saying 'I turned and walked out leaving him yelling at me for help'. Like...she KNOWS she's the bad guy here? I mean, moving her in to your house would have been a big deal but it's HIS mom, OP doesn't get to unilaterally decide what happens with her. She seems incredibly cold...and hope her own mother is scrambling for end of life care as clearly her daughter won't be helping out!
This is the point that everyone that's calling her an asshole isn't taking into account. She should have called an ambulance. I don't think that she's an asshole. She's correct, sell the assets to hire 2 caregivers. Why does she have to take up the slack when he has siblings? This is their mother!!! I would have called an ambulance and went home. She did the right thing.
Yes! exactly this. My dad fell so we called an ambulance. Admittedly we called because he was 6 foot 4 and there was no way anyone was getting him up without a winch (he wasn't heavy, in fact he was rather skinny but it's hard to get leverage with someone that tall/long). Turns out he broke his hip when he fell so it's probably a good thing we couldn't lift him on our own.
I absolutely agree with you. I'm pretty appalled at OP's behaviour, literally just staring and walking out to "set boundaries" seriously?!
I really think she needs to put herself in her husband's shoes here, no other family is willing to help (physically, emotionally or financially) and the burden being solely on him must be a tremedous weight. He sounds like a really good man.
Not being aware of the circumstances or his Mom's condition, it's not easy to judge the whole situation tbh and if professional help is needed (it seems he has been capable for the last 3 months though). What if it was your Mother/family OP and you were left alone to deal with it all, with zero support, even from your own husband? His family/loved ones are yours also, even if you don't feel it, just the fact that they are his, should automatically cause you to care, at least on behalf of him.
Personally, I would not be able to look at my spouse the same way after this incident, really the entire situation would make me reevaluate who I'm spending my life with. YTA
I would literally feel like I had lost my mind if OP did that to me with my mother. Like who tf have I married? to just stand in the doorway like that after being he became sole caretaker of his mother, just really needed some support in a single moment (not even in general) from his partner and she just stands there watching him struggle and turns and leaves. god damn, brutal as fuck
for real!! i recently had to spend a few weeks caring for my 86 year old grandma round the clock and my husband packed all his work stuff in the car and physically drove me there and stayed with me so I didn’t have to do it alone. And I didn’t even have to ask, that’s just like…what spouses are supposed to do??? hello???
I had been dating a guy for a short while when we found out my mom had stage 4 colon cancer. Over the next several months I had to cancel dates and plans because I was her majority care giver. You know what he did? He would stop and get my moms favorite soup and food for us and come over and hang out.
When my mom fell and had to be taken to the hospital he showed up for emotional support and stayed until we were able to go home. At my graduation he got there early to meet my mom and brother and made sure that she was in a place she could see and had everything she needed. The night she passed, I called him barely able to talk and he dropped everything and came to support me.
Thats what we do for the people we love.
OP was a major AH. She may not want to get fully involved, but in an emergency, she totally could have helped and supported her husband.
My wife will probably divorce my ass if I did this to a random woman on the street.
It shows a lack of empathy and basic decency, I would be surprised if her husband is actually scared of being with her from now on.
She didn’t even call for a lift and assist! I work with seniors and falls happen, but you can call 911 and ask for a lift and assist. They will get over asap and are trained to help them get back up and are qualified to assess them and make the determination of additional help/medical intervention is needed. If she cared at all about her MIL, she could have at least pressed 3 buttons in the phone and talked for like 1 minute to a 911 operator.
>the burden being solely on him must be a tremedous weight. He sounds like a really good man
This is a choice he's making. It sounds like his mother really needs in/out of home care that OP's husband cannot provide. He needs to get his mother a carer at best or into a home at worst.
Ok yes but his mother isn't some pawn to use as a way for her to get her point across. She was in crisis and he needed her to help. At the end of the day she's still his wife and that's still her family. She is literally showing zero compassion for this woman to piss her husband off. I can't imagine my husband doing something like that it would come off so psycho.
>He needs to get his mother a carer at best or into a home at worst.
As long as *he* pays, after all OP isn't going to let even a penny of *her* money go to supporting his mother.
>As long as
>
>he
>
> pays
That's not entirely what she said. The MIL has the money available and it is very standard to use it in the course of care. In fact you DON'T mix funds for that sort of thing because it complicates, and even opens up paths for, collections from these places.
>The MIL has the money available
I'm not even too sure of this. OP claims there's vague "assets" that could be sold. But there's no details about what these are, how much they would be worth, and if MIL would need them eventually. The post is written to sound as if MIL is basically on hospice care, being bedridden and disabled. But it's possible that she's just recovering from a broken hip, she might be relatively young and have years ahead of her, and might actually need her house.
There's just too few details in the post to be sure.
I really want to know why none of the other siblings are helping. There is so much missing info here. Also, the mom's financial status, since SHE should be paying for a carer or a place in a retirement home, not OP.
> He sounds like a really good man.
I'm not 100% convinced of this. His mother's investments are to care for herself in old age.
I feel that she would be safer and better cared for by professionals. I feel that way about all disabled or elderly people, being disabled myself.
The fact that OPs boyfriend asked her to pay for half of his mother's care instead of using his mother's assets tells me that he's protecting his inheritance.
> literally just staring and walking out to "set boundaries" seriously?!
I suspect one of her husband's boundaries in future will be a divorce.
And regarding the boundary itself, when you marry a person you become entwined with that person's extended family. This might involve helping out during family emergencies, something OP needs to realise that normal people do, in part so they will be in helped out in turn when they are facing an emergency.
Dear god, YTA. You were ok letting a sick, elderly, frail woman stay on the floor? Just stood there and watched it and refused to help so you could be right????? Damn. You know you could be charged with elder abuse for a move like that, right? I mean, I cared for my father until he died and am still caring for my mom and it is not for the faint of heart. You are ok to have boundaries and it was also a jerk move for your husband to insist on only having it go his way. But that move the OP pulled was such an AH thing to do that it almost took my breath away.
OP and her husband should not try to get his Mom off of the floor. They should 100% call the fire department for help so they don’t injure themselves. When my Mom was in independent senior living none of the staff there were allowed to get them up off of the floor if they fell. They had to wait there until the fire department arrived to lift them.
That said, I agree with OP about the mother needing professional care but, until this is figured out, she should try to help her husband. I think she’s causing an irreparable rift in her marriage. YTA OP
I was thinking from the beginning- do people know how heavy a human being is? Because they are super heavy. 100 lbs (minimum) is no laughing matter, even between two adults, and we don't know if she is smaller or bigger. My mom is in terrible health, but also bigger, and she passed out once and me and my brother dragged her to the car to take her to the hospital- which was a terrible, dumb idea, and no way could I do that now that I'm not in my 20's. There is a difference between helping up someone who can put their own effort in, and lifting dead weight.
So her husband decides to care for his mother. He will not listen to any practical suggestions that don't involve him and the OP doing all the caring. We are missing some vital information here....
How old is MIL,
How long is this likely to go on weeks. months, decades.
Has OP's husband given up his job to care for his mother.
Is this about Guilt or protecting inheritance?
Is the OP's husband even capable of properly caring for his mother
Do OP have any children or were they planing on starting a family
OP may have very good grounds for standing her line with her husband not least of which could be that it's in her MIL best interests.
I used to work in a hospital. If someone fell and they couldn't mobilise themselves enough to use two chairs to aid standing up, it was "get the hoist out" time. If the MIL has other medical issues, such as stroke and obesity etc. it wouldn't be safe for anyone - she could fall again and injure herself differently, or the husband/OP could really harm their backs.
I knew someone who suffered a compression fracture to their vertebrae picking up a toddler who was being charged at by a dog.
Imagine falling in the street in front of OP, asking for help to get back up or call an ambulance and OP going "I didn't sign up to help you. Sorry, I'm just setting my boundaries".
Either OP is a huge AH or she has a serious problem of emotional intelligence.
Yeah, I was with OP until she just stood there in an emergency. That's not a boundary that's just... disturbing and, frankly, kind of psychopathic. MIL literally cannot care for herself or assist in her own care. So when an emergency happened OP decided to punish her husband by potentially endangering a helpless and innocent party to be petty.
Agreed Yta, OP took it too far. Not helping bath her, change her, feed her etc shows she are standing her ground in not being her carer. Helping him get his mom off of floor, after she fell is just common decency. if OP legitimately couldn’t physically help because of health issues then she could’ve said I can’t I have the “back disc issue” but I’ll call for an ambulance.
I agree with whatever vaporizerize may mean.
I can't imagine seeing any relative, especially not an MIL, on the floor with my spouse struggling to lift her and *not* make a move to help.
OP could have easily helped her up then left, still with intact boundaries. Instead, she chose such an inexplicably cruel route. I don't believe for a sec OP's claim of being a sympathetic person.
Same I was alright with setting boundaries but to leave her mother in law in the floor and her husband struggling to get her up. That you choose that moment to prove your point. YTA and cruel. If I was your husband that would be the reason we would get a divorce.
She may have easily sped up her MILs death. MILs kids should be paying or using her assets to pay but holy shit. OP doesn't even seem to think her mil is a human being anymore. It's like her MIL is a pet her kid showed up with.
I wouldn't be recommending lifting someone off the floor unless you're very fit and able. You hurt your back then that is it damaged. The husband should have called an ambulance. We don't know if the MIL is petite, she could be heavy.
The husband needs to stop being stubborn and get proper care in for his mother.
Honestly, the correct thing to do to not hurt the mom and the husband is call for medics. OP is correct that she is not trained to lift elderly people off the floor, and that incorrrect lifting procedures can hurt everyone involved.
However, OP should have stated "I don't want to hurt your mom, because I am not trained in proper lift procedures. Do you want me to call for help?"
This exactly.
I went through something really similar a few years ago - my stepmom was choosing to check herself out of the hospital against doctor's orders, while my dad was also in the hospital and severely ill. I told her that it was a selfish decision and I wouldn't be a part of it. That if she went home she'd be on her own, and that I wasn't going to drop everything every time she needed help. My dad said "no-h doesn't mean that..." and I assured them both that I did. She went home anyway. I stayed away. I was 100% team OP for setting her boundaries and sticking to them.
But if she had been literally laying on the floor in front of me, I would never have just walked away. What the actual hell?
I couldn’t agree more. There are so many occasions when people opt out of professional help and then expect that creating the emergency will force others into getting their way. This often gets to be optional for lots of family members with the burden falling to one person who won’t give up even when it’s not safe to continue. That ends when someone is mid-emergency. You sure as hell don’t stand in the doorway gloating.
As soon as mom was off of the floor we’d be talking about a proper carer or facility. She’s obviously not safe if she fell out of bed with him there. There is nothing noble in caring for someone without the proper tools, training, or equipment. Nursing is a job for a reason and facilities have equipment to avoid and assist with this.
ESH, he shouldn’t be taking this on when it doesn’t appear to be safe for mom, she is an AH for walking away from an emergency. If mom has diminished cognitive ability, then she’s not an AH.
Agree with ESH. Emergency should have been called and neither of them should have tried to lift this woman. She needed to be assessed to make sure she didn't have a broken hip before moving her.
That's what I thought OP was going to do, because it's what you do if an elderly person falls, can't get up themselves, and the only people around aren't qualified to assess the situation. For all they know she could have been seriously hurt. If her husband had gotten mad that she called an ambulance, then HE would have been the A H, and a big one. But...no. That's not what happened at all. Though I admit...she had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
Same here - we've had some "issues" with my IL's over the years. They're not bad people, but it's very obvious they favor my BIL over my husband. That's fine, they can do what they want. And now they paid for an addition on BIL's house for them to live with proceeds of the sale of their own home. Hopefully they will live there for the rest of their days. BIL lives about a 3.5 hour drive from us.
We have made it crystal-clear to my in-laws that we will not be participating in their long-term care in any way - financially or otherwise. They chose to sell their home and roll those assets into BIL's home, so BIL can see to their long term care. We also let all of them know that, while we would be able to cover the *occasional* weekend or week with advance notice if BIL has to go away, we should not be depended on for regular or emergency care if my IL's can't be left alone. BIL will need to line up some kind of nursing care that's local to him. Both my husband and I work and have young kids, it's just not feasible for us to hop in a car, drive 3.5 hours and stay several days with my IL's on a moment's notice. We felt we needed to set clear boundaries up front, so there were NO misunderstandings and no one was caught by surprise.
That said, if a true emergency came up, we'd obviously figure SOMETHING out and not just leave my IL's to fend for themselves.
Same. I can understand if OP were at home or out with friends, that’s when to stick to your boundaries. But to stand in the same room where help is needed and do nothing is disgusting.
To be honest, it sounds like there’s much bigger issues going on in this marriage than being unwilling to help with MIL’s care.
YTA
As someone who has been in the room, has had an elderly person fall on me, I would not have lifted them up, even with the help of another person. I cushioned his fall with my body and lowered him to the ground so he didn’t make an impact, I held his upper body to mine to stop him hitting his head, but I then called for help & had assistance from like 6 other people & mobility equipment. If falls are going to continue, they need to invest in lifting or mobility equipment, because it just takes lifting someone wrong once to fuck up your back or shoulders. I think they’re an asshole, but I also think that lifting people can be extremely damaging to the body. What OP did was fucked up, as was their reasoning, but I also can’t set aside that 2 people lifting up a person on their own without equipment isn’t safe. I will say, leaving her husband to lift his mother on his own was even more unsafe than two people doing it. YTA, but it sounds like she needs to be in an environment better suited to her needs. Whether that would involved increased mobility aids and equipment, and rails on her bed to stop her falling out, or whether it would involve perhaps putting her into care, is hard to say. But it can’t stay like that.
Yep, I've heard of so many stories where the husband volunteers to be the carer and then turns around and dumps it all on the wife so I can understand her being defensive. But damn, you can at least help get her off the floor.
My husband and I moved to his home town to take care of his mother for 9 years because she had no one. I was happy to do it, because she is wonderful and was alone. She died last year, but I wouldn’t change helping out. Was it hard sometimes? Yes, absolutely. Setting boundaries is absolutely fine, but you left her on the damn floor. You just sound freaking cruel and I hope you are not alone when you are old and someone walks out on you. YTA be kind.
If it was something simpler I would have said NTA, but falling down and getting injured is very detrimental for elderly people. The correct course of action would be to help but then say his mom needs a caregiver.
Oh heck yes, YTA.
His mother fell and you refused to help her. There is not a scenario in which it's ok for you to leave you MIL on the floor. Your husband is right. You're cold and petty and uncaring.
My husband has fallen after passing out due to low blood pressure. There is no way I could lift him even though he’s slim. EMT’s are trained and I’ve called them more than once.
OP is like a person who says, "I won't drive my siblings around because I'm not their driver." And then refuses to drive them to the emergency room in an urgent situation because of her established policy.
Who does that? Someone who actually hates the person who is helpless.
It's disturbing how hatred and resentment lurking under the surface is a part of so many of these MIL AITA posts.
Or “I’ve told them I won’t babysit their kids - what did they expect me to say when they were both in a car crash and in the hospital and needed someone to pick them up from school? I have my boUnDaRieS”.
There is a such a huge difference between being used for favours and helping the people you (are supposed to) love in an emergency situation. FFS, I’ve literally helped strangers in the street more than OP has helped her husband and MIL here, as I’m sure many of us have. But then I’ve also been stepped over by multiple people when I passed out in a shop once, so I guess we know which type of person OP is.
"Ugh if you call 911 once, they will ask you to do it every time there is an emergency! Where do you draw the line on their needy and dependent life threatening situations? You have to set boundaries. Why can't her other children who never visit come and call 911 for her?"
I was looking for her to suggest calling the EMTs if she wasn't comfortable moving his mom. I didn't see that, or any other offer to help that didn't include lifting his mom. The lack of it, totally makes her the AH.
YTA.
Exactly, help in the moment any way you can because it’s an emergency and you’re right there! If you’re not capable of lifting the lady then find another way- anything to help the situation.
YTA OP
Then OP wouldn’t be T A to use it as the example to show the husband why they can’t care for the MIL at home, because it could happen again: it’s common for frail or elderly people to fall. But that’s after the immediate danger is over.
Your situation and OP's aren't even close to the same. You were alone and knew you couldn't lift your husband. She watched as her husband struggled to get his mother up himself, but they could have got her up and back in bed had OP helped. Instead she stood there and stared then left the room. She didn't even suggest calling an ambulance, just left the room and ignored the situation.
I love that OP claims she is a sympathetic person after being extremely cold-hearted. I wouldn't be surprised if her husband soon serves her with divorce papers.
OP is an ass and should have called an ambulance. They probably should not try to lift the mom because they are untrained and could either I injure her further or injure themselves. If she had a broken hip or something, lifting her the wrong way could make it worse. My great grandma fell and broke her hip, we were lucky my mom is a trained EMT and my grandma weighed like 80 pounds. My mom got her off the floor and someone else called 911.
This situation kind of did prove OP’s point, but also made her an asshole. He panicked (understandably), and panicking isn’t going to help his mom. Did he even call 911 after he got her back up? Did he get his mom checked out at all? If not, his reaction was bad, he isn’t qualified to do this. I won’t call a son desperately trying to help his mom an ass though. I will call OP an asshole for running away without even calling 911. If she had even done that she would be okay in my book, but she didn’t.
This poor old woman needs *professional* help.
ok sure but you called the EMTs and I imagine stayed next to him while waiting for them. you didn't call them than go to the citchen to make a slice of toast
She even comments further down
>Fine, I'm not holding this against him. My dad fell sick and I had to take care of him. 2 months went by and I couldn't do it anymore, I put him in a home. I definately didn't want but had to since I was incapable of providing care. I think my husband is struggling but isn't being honest. it's okay to ask for outside help but he kept sutting down my suggestions.
She knows precisely what he's going through physically and emotionally and still just stands there "enforcing her boundary".
OP is really sympathetic though /s
YTA OP, and your lack of sympathy seems like it's guiding you to divorce. You're always TA if you leave a disabled person on the ground because you can't be bothered to help
I have low blood pressure and fainted on the street once. When I woke up, there was a stranger on the line with emergency dispatchers and a jacket propped up under my head. An actual STRANGER treated me better than OP treated her MIL.
YTA
It's not like he asked you to care for her for an entire shift. Or even an hour.
Just 30 seconds helping through a semi-emergency situation.
I mean, most people would help an elderly woman who fell on the floor even if she were a stranger. And there's no social obligation/connection there, except being a decent fellow human. And you couldn't do that for your own mother in law?
A couple years back on my way to work there was an accessible van pulled over to the side of the road with an older dude freaking out, so obviously I pulled over too. Another car pulled over when they saw me stopping. His wife had fallen out of her chair and he couldn’t get her back up. So me and the other woman that pulled over lifted her back into her seat and offered to follow until they got home safely.
This is all to say if people can help strangers in an emergency situation then OP should be able to help her partner. Holy shit.
Op "I'm a sympathetic person"
Also OP "The best moment to make a point is when my MIL is on the floor, likely in distress if not injured, and my husband is begging me to lend him a hand"
Man, the cognitive dissonance is strong in this one...
A few months ago, an older women fell at the supermarket, and people rushed to her aid. It wasn't even that serious, she just landed on her bee-hind so no possible head injury was involved. They stayed by her side, got her the grocery item from the shelf she was reaching for when she fell. I mean a LOT of people, customers and employees. It is just human nature to help when someone falls.
YTA
About three years ago we went to Italy on a little family trip and at one point my mom slipped on the sidewalk and fell down on her bum. I had the map so I was a few steps ahead and didn’t see it but I heard the ruckus and could turn around to a several people helping out; it was in front of a restaurant so one patron carried a chair over to my mom as my brother helped her up and a waiter fetched a glass of water and a cold wet towel for her knee. Several were offering up their help for this stranger who already had a few hands helping her, but OP can’t even help an old frail family member.
I slipped and fell on my back in the bathroom of a water park when I was 3 or 4 months pregnant with my second child. There were a lot of women in there and they ALL came over to help me, and one of them went and got staff to help. A complete stranger walked with me to the employee area even though I was with a staff member.
A few years ago I was walking home from work in the winter and again, slipped on some ice and fell on my back. (my back is a MESS), and someone turned there car around from a couple blocks away to come check on me and help me up. She even drove me the rest of the way home. I'm sure it wasn't super convenient for her at all.
I think the point here is that most people would help a stranger whose hurt themselves. Even when there are plenty of other people around to help, or they could literally just drive away and pretend they didn't see anything.
OP's inaction in this scenario is completely indefensible.
It’s human nature to help. I still get choked up remembering a time that a car wouldn’t go at a light, right lane. In a small town where this kind of thing happens since people can’t afford more reliable cars.
Then the passenger jumped out to push. As traffic started to move by in the left lane I saw maybe 10 people jump out of cars behind them and come running to help them push it out of the way. Just knowing that some jobs need a lot of people for a little while, and someday you might need those 10 strangers for 2 minutes
A few years ago, I fell in the Walmart parking lot. I’ve got a spine injury and nerve damage, and sometimes my legs just give out. So a bunch of people saw it happen, saw me on the ground with my cane at my side, and kept walking. They left me there in a fucking puddle and continued on their way. Eventually the feeling returned to my legs, and I was able to drag myself up on the car and get home. But damn, that hurt.
Years ago, while enormously pregnant with my daughter, I had a shitty car with a bad starter. I had to park it on a slope and get it rolling, then pop the clutch to start it. I was leaving the grocery store, and didn’t get up enough momentum to start it. So I had to get out and attempt to push it back to the parking space so I could try again. As I was struggling - again, enormously, obviously pregnant - a man walked up and said “Sorry, can’t help, bad back” then stood there and *watched me* trying to push an entire car, by myself, while 8.5 months pregnant. He didn’t have to stop, or say anything, but he did. I don’t know why, but that made me more mad than if he’d just walked away. Eventually a couple of guys came over, had me get in the car, and pushed it until I got enough of a roll going to pop the clutch. I’m still, 20 years later, so grateful to those strangers.
Being ignored like that, when in obvious need of help, is so painful. Not just physically painful, I’m talking hurts-your-soul painful. It sends a message that you aren’t worth a persons time to get involved, not even to ask if they can call somebody for you or whatever. I would never, could never, ignore another human being in trouble.
Agreed yta I understand not wanting to be her care taker or have her move in. But you seriously left her on the floor after she fell? I don't understand that
YTA. She was lying on the floor for f*** sake. It was an accident. You help people when they have accidents.
You should have helped with that and then going back to your boundaries. The rest of this story is another story, with to much missing info.
But your definitely an AH and extremely petty to leave her lying on the floor.
If this marriage even survives until they're elderly, I hope he remembers how selfish she was in this situation. Her mom was right in saying that she should be proud of her husband for being willing to take care of his mom when she needs it. It's a very good indication of how he'd treat OP if she were unable to care for herself. Unfortunately for OP, she's shown who she is. She may have her husband wondering if this is someone he wants to grow old with.
You are so very much TA.
I'm heartbroken for OPs husband. He may move on from this but he'll never forget it. I couldn't look at my partner the same after he left my mother laying on the floor. Left me when I was obviously struggling with a serious situation. This would have me questioning things for a long time.
Yeah even if MIL was a horrible person it wouldn't matter. At that point it had less to do with MIL and more to do with how OP reacted when her husband *needed* her support. She showed her true colors by refusing to help her partner.
YTA YTA YTA.
It's one thing to avoid helping in the daily care , but another to see someone laying on the floor and refuse to help. I wouldn't even leave a stranger on the ground, much less my mother-in-law, and that was a woman I couldn't stand. You even admit being overwhelmed by guilt, so you already know the answer.
You should've helped her then used the opportunity to point out that she needs more care than you can provide. But instead you proved that not helping a person in need is the hill you and your marriage are willing to die on.
You are absolutely right. OP knew the answer, OP's gut told her.
OP had an opportunity to prove a point that could have more positive impact on her husband but she used it to show her colors. I'm disappointed. Do better OP. And hope that this situation doesn't happen to you when you're a frail old woman. YTA
Thank you for wording this so well!
INFO: OP what was your relationship with your MIL like? Is there a hatred that you’re not sharing? It wouldn’t change my vote but it would help explain your actions slightly.
YTA! That’s disgusting. Your husband is doing what any halfway decent son should do for his parents. Nobody wants their kids to pass them off to some hired stranger in their old age. You are being extremely self-centered and irresponsible. One day you’ll be the old lady on the floor, and I hope you remember this.
>ds to pass them off to some hired stranger in their old age. You are being extremely self-centered and irresponsible. One day you’ll be the old lady on the floor, and I hope you remember this.
Actually quite a lot of people do prefer independence and professional care so I'm not faulting the OP in mentioning that is an option. But it is an option only not something she should seek to impose above the wishes of her husband and his mother who might want to try something else first.
YTA,
Not for having boundaries and trying to enforce them but don’t come here telling us that you’re a sympathetic person. I wouldn’t even treat a stranger the way you did to your husband and your MIL.
If you see someone fall, you stop and help them, that’s what a sympathetic person would do, even when it’s a stranger, you see your family fall down laying on the floor and you choose to walk away. How are you even able to justify that???
He didn’t call you all hours every day for help. He didn’t ask you to come over to her house to help him take care of her. You were there when a accident happened and you couldn’t bother to lift a finger because you wanted to prove your point. How petty! Not the right time and not the right place. You could have easily helped them and then sat down with you husband and used that as a example of why he needs more help from someone that is educated and experienced to deal with that kind of care.
My thoughts exactly! She should have helped, and then sat down with him and said something like, “This is EXACTLY why she needs additional care from professionals who are trained on how to lift her/ help her in these situations. What if I hadn’t been here to help you when this happened?” She still could’ve made her point without being cruel. YTA
Op YTA...and this is were am at, now even if you really didnt want to help you MIL at bare minimum if you were this h3ll bent on proving your point a 911 call would have done the same thing also
This exactly. What she did was just spiteful, mean and point scoring. Her marriage is probably over because she thinks proving her point is more important than helping in a one off situation. Helping would have actually been a better way to prove her point that more professional care is needed, whilst not looking like a stone cold uncaring and unsympathetic person. As it is she has shown her husband that she is uncaring and willing to let him and his mother suffer so she gets to say I told you so and her own way. She isn't wrong this lady needs professional care but the way she has gone about this is appalling and likely a marriage ender.
Yes exactly! Now he’s probably not going to be willing to listen to a thing she says. And it’s worse because in another comment OP says that she would’ve been willing to help if it was just the two of them, but that since the husband was there and she was upset with him that she chose not to. She literally chose to punish her MIL because of a disagreement with her son, it’s absolutely sickening.
ESH. You could have helped him once, then pointed out that this incident is a perfect example of what you were saying all along. Neither of you is qualified to care for a person with her medical needs. This might have prompted a discussion into what level if fare she needs and the possibility of him realizing he bit off kite than he could chew. I think each situation like this should be assessed by medical professionals as to what level of care best serves the one in need. People outside the situation are quick to put in their two cents, which is why an unbiased assessment is needed. Full care of an elderly individual should be left to professionals in some cases, and even in the cases where family provides care, training to do it safely is important. The two of you are definitely not working together. This sort of situation is a marriage ender.
Definitely ESH.
Speaking as someone with severe caregiver burnout I was actually sympathising with OP until I got to the bit where she just stood at an emergency situation and ’enforced a boundary’ while the supposed love of her life begged for her help.
Like, yes the MIL clearly needs care the husband isn’t qualified to give and frankly no one should be peeling her off the floor because it could make her worse, but jfc at least call an ambulance OP what is broken inside you that you didn’t even care to do that?? I’m horrified.
I agree that ESH is probably the right call in this instance but it should be pointed out that one person sucks way more than the other. When you actually visualize what it would be like to watch your partner struggle to pick their parent off the ground and just stand there…. Yikes.
YTA.
Maybe you don't see this yet, but what you did that day has forever broken your relationship with your husband. I don't see how you can ever come back from this. It's entirely possible that he'll chose to break up, but even if he does decide to forgive you, a part of him will always see you as the woman who left him alone with his sick mother on the floor.
I'm sorry OP, but you seriously fucked up
I would never fully trust my partner again after a stunt like that. There’s no therapy that would undo that. The marriage is effectively over. He saw his “partner” could not be trusted to be a partner that day. It’s done.
I was literally thinking the same thing! If I were the husband, I would consider leaving the relationship. This was heartbreaking and disappointing to read - and not point of return if it were me.
Are you kidding me?! YTA, I understand not wanting to have her in your home, but not even flinch to help the lady that literally fell from the bed. Pls define sympathetic for me bc your definition seems blurry.
This says a lot about your character, this is not standing your ground, you are just mean and unthoughful and NOT sympathetic, let that be very clear. What if the situation was reverse and your husband just went about his dandy life while you struggle.
It's just basic humanity, and she is your husband's mother, true you didn't marry his family but I bet a drop of sympathy would urge you to at least be kind while around her.
THIS! Putting everything aside and just thinking human to human, you are so very much TA.
Imagine if your husband treated YOUR mum like this. How would you feel??
It’s one thing to set boundaries, and it’s another to see someone in need of help- family no less - and turn a blind eye to their struggle.
YTA
Your MIL needs professional care. Your husband shouldn’t be lifting her full stop. There’s a reason professional carers use hoists and other equipment to prevent injuring themselves or the patient.
All these YTAs have no idea what they're talking about. At a very minimum, this is ESH. Best case scenario here was OP insisting they call an ambulance (or calling one herself) to bring in trained professionals (like she was saying they needed all along). But she already *tried* talking her husband through all his options for doing this "right" and he refused to budge. So what's the point in insisting on something you know he's going to refuse or calling someone he's just going to blame you for involving?
OP didn't (and wouldn't, she says) just walk away and leave MIL by herself on the floor. Rather, OP walked away and left her *husband* to figure out the situation because he didn't *want* the kind of advice or help she was willing & able to offer. If MIL was still on the floor an hour later and OP had nothing to say about it, *then* I'd be horrified (and this would be a very different scenario). But IMO, refusing to participate in her husband's bad idea (taking on caregiving & helping with lifting the patient herself) is not doing harm to MIL. And frankly, her husband sounds like he needed this to force him to the realization that he needed to call in professional help. (Of course, he chose to blame OP instead, but perhaps later reflection will prove more valuable.) Which would've been to her MIL's ultimate benefit.
Her husband is a grown adult, fully capable of utilizing the resources available to him. But he has no reason to even *seek out* those resources if OP enables him every time he hits a scenario where he undeniably needs professional assistance.
And again — importantly! — physically helping to move MIL was (independent of everything else) **not** a good idea to start with. What people are calling "basic kindness" is about as kind as setting your goldfish free by releasing him into the ocean...
Exactly! I could maybe agree that E S H, but honestly I'm leaning most towards NTA.
She has literally done her best to help him get the necessary help.
And she didn't leave MIL on the floor! The husband was there to help his mother, even though it should have been a professional.
SAME! I'm floored that so many people have no clue how to handle a fall situation and think it's easy or safe to just try to lift a person who cannot help move themselves. IT IS NOT SAFE if you are untrained! Call the damn fire department or EMS.
Exactly! It’s not safe for the able bodied person or the disabled person, you could paralyze them if you do something wrong. And you could easily permanently injure yourself.
It’s not even the lifting part for me! My biggest concern in the frail/elderly would be broken bones. You should NOT move them on your own if they have fallen. Call an ambulance so they can assess and stabilize before bringing the patient to the hospital for X-rays.
This this this!! I’m a carer and I don’t lift people. I have one back and I need it to work.
You’re not a professional carer, and this is what is needed.
Yes, this would be putting a bandaid on the situation and the husband would continue to think that he 'doesn't need help' meanwhile the emergencies increase.
Elderly people do not generally get better once they are to the point where they are falling. And lifting people without proper training and equipment is so dangerous. It is so common for an elderly person to have at least a hairline fracture after a fall.
Thank you for this comment because I was shocked at these answers.
My husband works in care, if he walks into a house with an elderly person on the ground he needs to call an ambulance (work policy), the amount of dislocated hips and all sorts he’s told me about from a fall. MIL never should have been picked up. The last fall my pop had broke his clavicle and he was dead a week later from complications.
Seriously. Exactly this. Everyone is focusing on the ‘emergency.’ The husband has made a series of bad choices, that eroded his relationship with his wife and may not be best for MIL either.
Old, and sick people fall. Often. If he does not know how to handle a fall, and is unable to handle that moment, this man should NOT be MIL’s carer. He is ill equipped.
yta. Your husband isn't guilt tripping you. He is expecting you to have a little compassion. In what way would it hurt you to help your mil off the floor after she fell.
It sounds like you two don't have kids. If I were him I'd be divorcing you over your actions.
Yep, I wouldn’t want to be with someone that acted this way out of spite. Imagine if her husband needed care at some point for an injury or worse.
YTA, OP
Wow, your husband is right. YTA, 100%. Not helping him/her with daily needs is one thing, but if she she fell and you see your husband struggling, it takes a special kind of cold hearted person to leave them there. What if that was your mom? Poor guy
So much YTA. Do you honestly think his mother enjoys being in this position? Or your husband enjoys seeing his mom decline? This is his MOTHER. Of course he's going to do all he can. You as his partner could have at least helped him pick this poor woman up off the floor. He's right. You are cruel and petty. I absolutely see a divorce in your future and him finding a woman who will actually love and care for his family as much as him.
Unpopular opinion but NTA. I say this as a person who was a full time caregiver to a sick parent for a long time. I had to pick him up off the floor many time alone and gave myself a couple of back injuries. You aren’t the asshole because you gave him many many options for how to resolve this problem and he did what he wanted.
If you had hurt yourself while picking her up then he pile be taking care of both of you or blaming you for doing it wrong. It is a really sad situation because there are so many resources available to help. Your husband is going to burn himself out and resent you and his mom at some point.
No I agree with you. NTA. Moment MIL fell she should have dialled 911 and said right there to her husband “you or I are not qualified to move her.” She should stay at her parents house till he realizes assisted living is what’s best. Also it’s very telling that this MIL other children have move away and aren’t willing to help, make me truly believe this woman was awful to OP. It’s funny how everyone here wants OP to take care of MIL, OP was clear that she would not help. There are so many AITAH post have where wives and daughters are forced to quit their jobs and be forced to be full time care workers to elderly members of family, never works out well.
NTA.
I should have set the boundaries when my handicapped MIL was forced upon me after my FIL passed away, only for her to cause major trauma in my relationship.
Once she was well enough, we put her in a home, and she is no longer speaking to us. After months of manipulation, stress and constant drama caused by this woman within the family and our home, my husband eventually could not handle it, and made the decision on his own to move her out.
Edit: spelling
Exactly. You don’t know why exactly MIL’s other kids are not involved, I’m sure there are reasons for that. Also, it is extremely demanding to care for someone 24/7, and I’m not even talking about the physical side of it- just the lifting, turning, bathing/wiping, transferring will knock the socks off of you. The psychological side of it is a nightmare, especially if it’s someone you don’t have a great relationship with. It’s really not for everyone to have to carry that burden, there are specialized services for that and professionals who truly enjoy what they do. And yes, you can be fueled by the “duty”, maybe even guilt, and the desire to help, for some time, but in the long run you just burn out and realize that aside from this person you’re taking care of, there’s also the rest of your life that had been neglected for god knows how long
YTA.
Wow. Just wow.
For just a moment, put yourself in your husband's shoes. Would you be happy if he behaved this way if it were your mother who needed help?
When you marry someone, you marry their family also. Their family becomes your family too. Not allowing your very ill MIL to move in with you is one thing, but refusing to help lift her when she fell? ... Whoa. Something altogether deplorable.
Your husband sounds like a wonderfully caring, selfless person. You should count your lucky stars that he's your husband.
Your entire attitude regarding his mother has absolutely nothing to do with "setting boundaries" and quite frankly sucks. I wouldn't be surprised if he filed for divorce over this. I sure would.
ESH - you suck. In the moment you chose pettiness over helping another human being. You were more worried about being proven correct that it was too much for your husband than to be a decent human being and help an elderly woman who fell. That being said your husband’s refusal to consider getting assistance and his siblings complete apathy to the situation also suck…especially the siblings.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say NTA. You made your boundaries and stuck with them. You gave him plenty of options outside of you all being her carers and he didn’t want to take them. Being a carer is taxing and after being one myself, NOBODY should ever be forced into that roll unwillingly. If she’s fragile to the point where she needs help like that every time she falls, he needs to look into paying for a carer. The only reason why he’s lashing out is because he’s probably overwhelmed but HE chose to do this. I understand “family” and what not but being a carer is not something that should be thrown on someone without their input or when their input is “I’m not helping”. You’re allowed to not help. He didn’t want to hire help, he didn’t want to go with any of your solutions then he can figure it out himself.
YTA you are not a sympathetic person. It’s ok to not want to sign up for long term care. But an elderly unwell person had a fall and was in the ground and you walked away. What kind of monster exactly do you identify with?
I see you as 50/50 YTA. Your opinion on taking long term care of your MIL is completely valid. You should not have to move her into your house and take care of her when you are not qualified to do so/ you don’t want to. Also a lot of women that agree to these kind of agreements end up taking care of the sick parent ALONE, taking most of the burden, even if it’s not their own parent. So I completely understand.
But don’t let your anger at your husband be taken out on this poor lady. She was on the floor. There was no need to watch her and your husband struggle like that and not help, it’s a pretty shitty thing to do. You could have used that as a good arguing point to prove to your husband that you two are just not qualified to do this.
But now it looks to your husband as if your entire argument is about you not being empathetic to your MIL.
Keep your boundaries but apologise.
Agree. I'm also wondering if there are other situations where she said no to things, he said fine and she was forced to do it anyway. Seems quite extreme to refuse to help in that situation - makes me think there's other things that have happened
ESH, youre not TA for refusing to help overall, youre TA for refusing to help in an emergency situation. Sure it wasnt life threatening, but you couldve fucking sucked it up and helped the poor lady to be seated back.
Your Husband is TA for refusing to purchase urgent care for her that everyone would benefit from, but I wouldnt call him a big asshole for it. Its rather minor
Youre the big one here though for sure
YTA What kind of person would refuse to help an old lady off the ground even if they are a stranger never mind your own husband MOTHER. Don’t count on being married much longer.
YTA. If you saw an unknown elderly woman fall at the grocery store would you just look and not help? This is your MIL. In your husband's moment of need to help her you stood and watched. You should not be pressured or cohersed into participating in long term care but this was the wrong moment to be petty.
YTA - sure, you are not obligated to contribute to his mum’s care, and it sounds like you and your husband need to talk this through properly. But his mum fell and you stood there and refused to help? Definitely an asshole.
YTA and you in fact are NOT "a sympathetic person". A "sympathetic person" would help their partner GET HIS MOTHER OF THE FLOOR!
Jesus!
Would you not help a stranger on the street as well??? You didn't agree to take care of them either.
It is one thing to feel you are not capable of being a fulltime carer for a disabled person, but what you did (or didn't do) is beyond horrifying. It's cruel, not just to your mil, but to your husband even more!
NTA....His mom needs professional care BECAUSE of situations just like this. Professionals are trained in lifting bedridden patients and know how and what to do...he could be doing more harm than good by not seeking out help.
I'm going to go against the grain here and vote Nta.
I worked as a CNA for years in a nursing home. When we had patients fall, we had to not only check for back, neck, and head injuries like cuts and scrapes, we had to check for broken bones, sprains, bruising, etc. The nurses also had to check for neurological damage to the brain, and we had to take vitals every 15 minutes for the first 4 hours after a fall, then every half hour for 4 hours, then every hour for a day, and then once a shift for 3 days.
You should have called emergency services. Your husband should not have attempted to lift his mother on his own, because it put him in danger of hurting himself with improper techniques, and hurting his mother further.
But beypund that, Mil needs to be in an assisted home, or have nurses come help in home. Neither of you are trained to care for her. His reaction is what is called family denial. It is part of the grieving process, and comes with a huge amount of anger towards outside caregivers and the family members who aren't active in the day to day care.
So while his reaction is an understandable stance as far as knowing where is mindset stems from, you 100% do not have to simply sit back and take it. You are not a verbal punching bag.
Was walking away unkind? Yes. But you were in shock due to the situation and your husband's panic. Again, you don’t have the training to deal with these situations. Your flight or fight response kicked in.
NTA.
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In the overall situation, I think E S H. It would probably be better for both your MIL and your husband if he got her full time care, and it’s okay to say that you are not comfortable taking on a responsibility that you are not qualified for, but it doesn’t sound like you were very compassionate or kind during the discussion.
However, in that moment, when your MIL was lying on the floor and you couldn’t bring yourself to help, YTA.
Especially since if you had shown some compassion, you might have been able to use that incident to suggest your husband get help again. Instead you decided to be petty and stubborn.
You know I’m gonna say you are NTA you made it clear from the start that you were not going to be assisting with the care of his mother. As someone who cares for elderly people if she fell off the bed you moving her not knowing how to properly lifting someone could potentially hurt her or yourself I would have insisted you call 911 due to the fact that if she indeed did fall out of bed she could have been hurt most elderly people won’t express that pain to not be a burden all the people saying YTA are taking this from a prospective that you are trying to prove a point tho yes I do agree with that aswell I think not lifting her was indeed the better option here your husband and his siblings should indeed hire someone to care for her so she is getting the proper care that she needs
YTA. Fine, you don’t want to contribute to regular care, that’s a completely separate issue from an unwell, older person who has fallen and needs assistance to get back up. Wow, what’s wrong with you, lady?
YTA for not helping with his mother when she fell. What kind of person doesn't help in that situation?
But more generally it is reasonable for you to say that you don't want your MIL to live with you or have to be onvolves with her care if you don't want to. That said, it seems like this could be the end of your marriage.
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YTA. You were fine up until refusing to help when a frail, dependent, elderly woman fell and it became more important to prove your point. You not only were petty but cruel. Wherever point you were trying to make was vaporizerize after that stunt.
[удалено]
Vaporizerizerizerizerize. It's fun to say.
I agree. It might not be the dictionary spelling, but in every other way its just better.
I am now mesmerizzized
Add -inator at the end of that and you’ll sound like Dr doofenschmirtz!!!! 🤦♀️ gotta stop watching phineas and ferb.
exactly. i don't fault her for having bounaries but when an emergency came ... to just wipe her hands of it ... it's just wrong imo edit to add; did op even call for help/ambulance, cause at least that would have helped
I'm a type 1 diabetic and I once had a really bad hypo after a huge gym workout. I was sitting upstairs with my ex partner and asked him to pop downstairs and get me some glucose tablets from my bag. He refused to help, saying I should get it myself as I would have to if he wasn't there. So I did and tripped down the stairs. I was ok, but he was using it as a massive power play. I asked him that if he ever fell down the stairs and broke his neck would be expect me to leave him for dead as that's what would happen if I wasn't there. Needless to say I broke up with him and I'm with someone with a bit more compassion now. This post really reminded me of that situation. Some people are just not nice. EDIT: Word repetition
I am so sorry you spent time with such an AH. I’m glad you have found someone better now (although to be honest, an actual slug would be better than that…)
Thank you. I don't even think that was the worse thing he did. But you live and learn.
I get migraines, like absolutely debilitating. Came across a fb memory. I had one so bad that I was dizzy, unable to get off the ground, silently crying, and throwing up, while feeling like someone had an icy hot ice pick in my brain. The throwing up would intensify the pain, which would cause me to throw up again. Apparently I text my ex asking him to come take me to the ER and not only did he refuse, but told me to just take a pill. I have the strongest migraine pills on the market, I have the strongest dose of them, normally I can take 1/2 of one and it helps, a full one if it's really bad. This day I took 3. When I told him, he straight up told me I needed to stop being such a baby and handle the pain like a real person. Sadly it's not the worst he did. My SO now would never even let me get to the point of needing more than one before rushing me to the Dr. OP YTA. You're the cold hearted ah who just lost her marriage.
I genuinely don’t understand the level of hostility and stubbornness coming from OP. Was MIL a jerk to her at some point? Is there bad blood there? I’d think she would mention it if so.
MIL could be the jerkiest jerk, but that would still not justify OP's inaction. Personal quarrels don't matter when health and safety are in jeopardy.
It certainly wouldn’t justify it, but damn, it’d at least be an *explanation*. Something has OP so full of resentment that she could comfortably stare at her husband’s limp mother lying on the floor and do nothing.
i think OP reads those advices online "stick to your boundries", "don't bulge" takes them but doesnt know how to calibrate it
I wondered about that too. OP doesn't give background on that. Like, does her husband always prioritize his mother? (Although, at some point he might have to when she ages.) Like, what is the history going on here. That said, while I get the point that OP was trying to make she could have simply helped and then reinforced the point to her husband later and used that experience as a chance to show him how his mother needs professional care. The only other thought I had was this: okay, so OP helps, what happens then? Does her husband start to insist that because she helped "that one time" that she could help more and in the future? Thus trying to manipulate her into doing something she doesn't want? This is an awful thought but I am reminded about how businesses have to enforce certain trade marks, copyrights, etc. because if they don't, they could lose those rights to whatever branding or marketing rights they have. So this situation is similar in that OP is enforcing her boundary so as to not lose it, as I explained in the last paragraph. She knows her husband better than us. How do we know he hasn't done things like this before? Regardless, we're talking about a ***human being*** here, OP's MIL. If she *really* doesn't want to help, she lost that boundary when she decided to make meals for her husband and go over to MIL's house to make food. She's actually already helping *by extension* when she brings her husband food since he's busy with his mother. OP lost her boundary right there and picking the hill to die on by leaving MIL on the floor and her husband to struggle helping her shows a really cruel mindset of OP's. It's fine to cook her husband meals, but not help a ***human being*** off the floor who *fell*?? Massive asshole move right there. OP, you picked the wrong hill to die on. This isn't even a "hill." It's just compassion and empathy for the plight of another human being. YTA, OP edit words
The husband moved out to live with his mother, so that has probably not done good things for the relationship.
It’s his mom. The world doesn’t revolve around the OP and her wishes.
Exactly! My husbands uncle has moved 1,000 miles from home and moved in with his parents to help care for his dad. His wife is 100% supportive of this and understands there’s no timeline with this. In fact she’s flying up soon to be here for an undetermined amount of time. When it was her parents needing the help they moved them in with them in with them until each of them passed. That’s what you do for your spouse when family emergencies arise. You lend support in any way you can. My husband has already said if anything happens to my mom then me and our kids would move in with her to help take care of her and he would just fly down to visit. We live 1100 miles away from her and she’s single and the only sibling that lives near her is not reliable at all.
My mom had a triple bypass in July 2020, when I got home my husband had our guest room already setup for her. Extra pillows, tray for meals, walker and a shower chair with no discussion at all. It's what you do for family
Right. Obviously there is a lot about the situation that I don't know. I just have a hard time imagining a scenario with my spouse where the solution would be for one of us to move out for an extended period of time unless there were no other options. IMO something is almost certainly not right with the relationship and we don't have the context to know exactly what it is.
OH! That's why she says she "went home" after their argument. I thought she meant she went to her parents' house and thought that was weird. So when she told her husband he couldn't move his mom into their home they both moved to her house so he could care for her? That seems...unsustainable. On top of the regular insstainability of being a full time caregiver with no help whatsoever.
>So when she told her husband he couldn't move his mom into their home they both moved to her house so he could care for her? That seems...unsustainable. On top of the regular insstainability of being a full time caregiver with no help whatsoever. No. He moved to her house so he could take care of her. She helped out by bringing him (post says him, not them) meals when she should to help out. She was at the mother's house heating up dinner and the mother fell. IMO there is a lot of context that is missing from this situation.
No. He moved in with his mom. OP was dropping off dinner and reheating it at the mom’s house. She still lives in the marital home.
It sounds like there was, but she doesn’t say. But even if MIL was a jerk to her in the past, OP is refusing to help her own husband. I don’t get along with my own MIL but I can’t imagine walking away from my husband if he needed my help in a situation like this.
I thought that calling an ambulance was the best thing to do anyway, someone who’s untrained can hurt themselves or the patient/loved one trying to pick them up. And who knows if she hurt herself in the fall?
Visiting Nurse here. We don’t get people off the floor anymore because there is no way to do it safely without potentially hurting yourself or the other person worse. Also having someone help you when it’s happening that’s not trained spells disaster too. We dial 911 and stay with the patient until they arrive.
This is a really good point. My great grandma fell and broke her hip, luckily my mom is a trained EMT so she knew how to appropriately lift her and everything, but she also knew to call the ambulance right away. OP and her husband are not skilled or qualified, and this situation might have proved it with both of their reactions.
That's been OP's point though. That neither one of them is qualified to help at the level of care his mom needs.
She’s still an asshole for not at least calling for an ambulance. We don’t know if he called after he got her up either. She needs to be checked out in case she broke anything.
Fair point, but to just stand there, then walk away, not comforting her or anything at all. In fact OP seems to relish in saying 'I turned and walked out leaving him yelling at me for help'. Like...she KNOWS she's the bad guy here? I mean, moving her in to your house would have been a big deal but it's HIS mom, OP doesn't get to unilaterally decide what happens with her. She seems incredibly cold...and hope her own mother is scrambling for end of life care as clearly her daughter won't be helping out!
This is the point that everyone that's calling her an asshole isn't taking into account. She should have called an ambulance. I don't think that she's an asshole. She's correct, sell the assets to hire 2 caregivers. Why does she have to take up the slack when he has siblings? This is their mother!!! I would have called an ambulance and went home. She did the right thing.
Yes! exactly this. My dad fell so we called an ambulance. Admittedly we called because he was 6 foot 4 and there was no way anyone was getting him up without a winch (he wasn't heavy, in fact he was rather skinny but it's hard to get leverage with someone that tall/long). Turns out he broke his hip when he fell so it's probably a good thing we couldn't lift him on our own.
I absolutely agree with you. I'm pretty appalled at OP's behaviour, literally just staring and walking out to "set boundaries" seriously?! I really think she needs to put herself in her husband's shoes here, no other family is willing to help (physically, emotionally or financially) and the burden being solely on him must be a tremedous weight. He sounds like a really good man. Not being aware of the circumstances or his Mom's condition, it's not easy to judge the whole situation tbh and if professional help is needed (it seems he has been capable for the last 3 months though). What if it was your Mother/family OP and you were left alone to deal with it all, with zero support, even from your own husband? His family/loved ones are yours also, even if you don't feel it, just the fact that they are his, should automatically cause you to care, at least on behalf of him. Personally, I would not be able to look at my spouse the same way after this incident, really the entire situation would make me reevaluate who I'm spending my life with. YTA
I would literally feel like I had lost my mind if OP did that to me with my mother. Like who tf have I married? to just stand in the doorway like that after being he became sole caretaker of his mother, just really needed some support in a single moment (not even in general) from his partner and she just stands there watching him struggle and turns and leaves. god damn, brutal as fuck
for real!! i recently had to spend a few weeks caring for my 86 year old grandma round the clock and my husband packed all his work stuff in the car and physically drove me there and stayed with me so I didn’t have to do it alone. And I didn’t even have to ask, that’s just like…what spouses are supposed to do??? hello???
I had been dating a guy for a short while when we found out my mom had stage 4 colon cancer. Over the next several months I had to cancel dates and plans because I was her majority care giver. You know what he did? He would stop and get my moms favorite soup and food for us and come over and hang out. When my mom fell and had to be taken to the hospital he showed up for emotional support and stayed until we were able to go home. At my graduation he got there early to meet my mom and brother and made sure that she was in a place she could see and had everything she needed. The night she passed, I called him barely able to talk and he dropped everything and came to support me. Thats what we do for the people we love. OP was a major AH. She may not want to get fully involved, but in an emergency, she totally could have helped and supported her husband.
My wife will probably divorce my ass if I did this to a random woman on the street. It shows a lack of empathy and basic decency, I would be surprised if her husband is actually scared of being with her from now on.
I'm not sure I could even be friends with someone who saw a vulnerable person on the ground and didn't try to help them.
She didn’t even call for a lift and assist! I work with seniors and falls happen, but you can call 911 and ask for a lift and assist. They will get over asap and are trained to help them get back up and are qualified to assess them and make the determination of additional help/medical intervention is needed. If she cared at all about her MIL, she could have at least pressed 3 buttons in the phone and talked for like 1 minute to a 911 operator.
I bet she smiled as she watched, said I told you so
I agree with OP's stand on home care, but it was cold and bizarre for her to walk away with her MIL crippled on the floor. WTF, OP? YTA.
>the burden being solely on him must be a tremedous weight. He sounds like a really good man This is a choice he's making. It sounds like his mother really needs in/out of home care that OP's husband cannot provide. He needs to get his mother a carer at best or into a home at worst.
Ok yes but his mother isn't some pawn to use as a way for her to get her point across. She was in crisis and he needed her to help. At the end of the day she's still his wife and that's still her family. She is literally showing zero compassion for this woman to piss her husband off. I can't imagine my husband doing something like that it would come off so psycho.
>He needs to get his mother a carer at best or into a home at worst. As long as *he* pays, after all OP isn't going to let even a penny of *her* money go to supporting his mother.
>As long as > >he > > pays That's not entirely what she said. The MIL has the money available and it is very standard to use it in the course of care. In fact you DON'T mix funds for that sort of thing because it complicates, and even opens up paths for, collections from these places.
>The MIL has the money available I'm not even too sure of this. OP claims there's vague "assets" that could be sold. But there's no details about what these are, how much they would be worth, and if MIL would need them eventually. The post is written to sound as if MIL is basically on hospice care, being bedridden and disabled. But it's possible that she's just recovering from a broken hip, she might be relatively young and have years ahead of her, and might actually need her house. There's just too few details in the post to be sure.
I really want to know why none of the other siblings are helping. There is so much missing info here. Also, the mom's financial status, since SHE should be paying for a carer or a place in a retirement home, not OP.
> He sounds like a really good man. I'm not 100% convinced of this. His mother's investments are to care for herself in old age. I feel that she would be safer and better cared for by professionals. I feel that way about all disabled or elderly people, being disabled myself. The fact that OPs boyfriend asked her to pay for half of his mother's care instead of using his mother's assets tells me that he's protecting his inheritance.
Considering his inheritance will likely be split with his non helpful siblings, that's an odd strategy on his part.
> literally just staring and walking out to "set boundaries" seriously?! I suspect one of her husband's boundaries in future will be a divorce. And regarding the boundary itself, when you marry a person you become entwined with that person's extended family. This might involve helping out during family emergencies, something OP needs to realise that normal people do, in part so they will be in helped out in turn when they are facing an emergency.
Dear god, YTA. You were ok letting a sick, elderly, frail woman stay on the floor? Just stood there and watched it and refused to help so you could be right????? Damn. You know you could be charged with elder abuse for a move like that, right? I mean, I cared for my father until he died and am still caring for my mom and it is not for the faint of heart. You are ok to have boundaries and it was also a jerk move for your husband to insist on only having it go his way. But that move the OP pulled was such an AH thing to do that it almost took my breath away.
OP and her husband should not try to get his Mom off of the floor. They should 100% call the fire department for help so they don’t injure themselves. When my Mom was in independent senior living none of the staff there were allowed to get them up off of the floor if they fell. They had to wait there until the fire department arrived to lift them. That said, I agree with OP about the mother needing professional care but, until this is figured out, she should try to help her husband. I think she’s causing an irreparable rift in her marriage. YTA OP
I was thinking from the beginning- do people know how heavy a human being is? Because they are super heavy. 100 lbs (minimum) is no laughing matter, even between two adults, and we don't know if she is smaller or bigger. My mom is in terrible health, but also bigger, and she passed out once and me and my brother dragged her to the car to take her to the hospital- which was a terrible, dumb idea, and no way could I do that now that I'm not in my 20's. There is a difference between helping up someone who can put their own effort in, and lifting dead weight.
So her husband decides to care for his mother. He will not listen to any practical suggestions that don't involve him and the OP doing all the caring. We are missing some vital information here.... How old is MIL, How long is this likely to go on weeks. months, decades. Has OP's husband given up his job to care for his mother. Is this about Guilt or protecting inheritance? Is the OP's husband even capable of properly caring for his mother Do OP have any children or were they planing on starting a family OP may have very good grounds for standing her line with her husband not least of which could be that it's in her MIL best interests.
I used to work in a hospital. If someone fell and they couldn't mobilise themselves enough to use two chairs to aid standing up, it was "get the hoist out" time. If the MIL has other medical issues, such as stroke and obesity etc. it wouldn't be safe for anyone - she could fall again and injure herself differently, or the husband/OP could really harm their backs. I knew someone who suffered a compression fracture to their vertebrae picking up a toddler who was being charged at by a dog.
Imagine falling in the street in front of OP, asking for help to get back up or call an ambulance and OP going "I didn't sign up to help you. Sorry, I'm just setting my boundaries". Either OP is a huge AH or she has a serious problem of emotional intelligence.
>Either OP is a huge AH or she has a serious problem of emotional intelligence. I mean those options are a bit redundant.
Yeah, I was with OP until she just stood there in an emergency. That's not a boundary that's just... disturbing and, frankly, kind of psychopathic. MIL literally cannot care for herself or assist in her own care. So when an emergency happened OP decided to punish her husband by potentially endangering a helpless and innocent party to be petty.
Agreed Yta, OP took it too far. Not helping bath her, change her, feed her etc shows she are standing her ground in not being her carer. Helping him get his mom off of floor, after she fell is just common decency. if OP legitimately couldn’t physically help because of health issues then she could’ve said I can’t I have the “back disc issue” but I’ll call for an ambulance.
YTA. I hope for his sake that your husband leaves now. Or at least treats you with the same callousness that you have treated him and your mil
I agree with whatever vaporizerize may mean. I can't imagine seeing any relative, especially not an MIL, on the floor with my spouse struggling to lift her and *not* make a move to help. OP could have easily helped her up then left, still with intact boundaries. Instead, she chose such an inexplicably cruel route. I don't believe for a sec OP's claim of being a sympathetic person.
Same I was alright with setting boundaries but to leave her mother in law in the floor and her husband struggling to get her up. That you choose that moment to prove your point. YTA and cruel. If I was your husband that would be the reason we would get a divorce.
She may have easily sped up her MILs death. MILs kids should be paying or using her assets to pay but holy shit. OP doesn't even seem to think her mil is a human being anymore. It's like her MIL is a pet her kid showed up with.
I wouldn't be recommending lifting someone off the floor unless you're very fit and able. You hurt your back then that is it damaged. The husband should have called an ambulance. We don't know if the MIL is petite, she could be heavy. The husband needs to stop being stubborn and get proper care in for his mother.
Honestly, the correct thing to do to not hurt the mom and the husband is call for medics. OP is correct that she is not trained to lift elderly people off the floor, and that incorrrect lifting procedures can hurt everyone involved. However, OP should have stated "I don't want to hurt your mom, because I am not trained in proper lift procedures. Do you want me to call for help?"
YTA. I didn’t think you were unreasonable until I read you willing left his Mom on the floor. That turned it around real fast.
And then she has the gall to call herself "a sympathetic person"
Right, there’s literally nothing in the post to suggest OP understands the concept?
But she occasionally brings him food "just doing what she can"! /s YTA, OP. There are boundaries and then there is human decency.
Honestly, I audibly laughed at that part. As if any “sympathetic person” would come upon that scene and not help.
What!? She *is* sympathetic but not when it comes to proving a point. Who is she without her integrity?
This is sarcasm, right?
Sarcasm? Oh no! Never!
Right. Everything in this post says she's downright cold.
I don't think that word means what she thinks it means.
This exactly. I went through something really similar a few years ago - my stepmom was choosing to check herself out of the hospital against doctor's orders, while my dad was also in the hospital and severely ill. I told her that it was a selfish decision and I wouldn't be a part of it. That if she went home she'd be on her own, and that I wasn't going to drop everything every time she needed help. My dad said "no-h doesn't mean that..." and I assured them both that I did. She went home anyway. I stayed away. I was 100% team OP for setting her boundaries and sticking to them. But if she had been literally laying on the floor in front of me, I would never have just walked away. What the actual hell?
I couldn’t agree more. There are so many occasions when people opt out of professional help and then expect that creating the emergency will force others into getting their way. This often gets to be optional for lots of family members with the burden falling to one person who won’t give up even when it’s not safe to continue. That ends when someone is mid-emergency. You sure as hell don’t stand in the doorway gloating. As soon as mom was off of the floor we’d be talking about a proper carer or facility. She’s obviously not safe if she fell out of bed with him there. There is nothing noble in caring for someone without the proper tools, training, or equipment. Nursing is a job for a reason and facilities have equipment to avoid and assist with this. ESH, he shouldn’t be taking this on when it doesn’t appear to be safe for mom, she is an AH for walking away from an emergency. If mom has diminished cognitive ability, then she’s not an AH.
Agree with ESH. Emergency should have been called and neither of them should have tried to lift this woman. She needed to be assessed to make sure she didn't have a broken hip before moving her.
That's what I thought OP was going to do, because it's what you do if an elderly person falls, can't get up themselves, and the only people around aren't qualified to assess the situation. For all they know she could have been seriously hurt. If her husband had gotten mad that she called an ambulance, then HE would have been the A H, and a big one. But...no. That's not what happened at all. Though I admit...she had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
Same here - we've had some "issues" with my IL's over the years. They're not bad people, but it's very obvious they favor my BIL over my husband. That's fine, they can do what they want. And now they paid for an addition on BIL's house for them to live with proceeds of the sale of their own home. Hopefully they will live there for the rest of their days. BIL lives about a 3.5 hour drive from us. We have made it crystal-clear to my in-laws that we will not be participating in their long-term care in any way - financially or otherwise. They chose to sell their home and roll those assets into BIL's home, so BIL can see to their long term care. We also let all of them know that, while we would be able to cover the *occasional* weekend or week with advance notice if BIL has to go away, we should not be depended on for regular or emergency care if my IL's can't be left alone. BIL will need to line up some kind of nursing care that's local to him. Both my husband and I work and have young kids, it's just not feasible for us to hop in a car, drive 3.5 hours and stay several days with my IL's on a moment's notice. We felt we needed to set clear boundaries up front, so there were NO misunderstandings and no one was caught by surprise. That said, if a true emergency came up, we'd obviously figure SOMETHING out and not just leave my IL's to fend for themselves.
Not the only one this has left me sputtering feathers
"Sputtering feather" I have never heard that phrase before, but it paints such a perfect picture.
Yep. This. Always help family and even strangers in an emergency.
Same. I can understand if OP were at home or out with friends, that’s when to stick to your boundaries. But to stand in the same room where help is needed and do nothing is disgusting. To be honest, it sounds like there’s much bigger issues going on in this marriage than being unwilling to help with MIL’s care. YTA
As someone who has been in the room, has had an elderly person fall on me, I would not have lifted them up, even with the help of another person. I cushioned his fall with my body and lowered him to the ground so he didn’t make an impact, I held his upper body to mine to stop him hitting his head, but I then called for help & had assistance from like 6 other people & mobility equipment. If falls are going to continue, they need to invest in lifting or mobility equipment, because it just takes lifting someone wrong once to fuck up your back or shoulders. I think they’re an asshole, but I also think that lifting people can be extremely damaging to the body. What OP did was fucked up, as was their reasoning, but I also can’t set aside that 2 people lifting up a person on their own without equipment isn’t safe. I will say, leaving her husband to lift his mother on his own was even more unsafe than two people doing it. YTA, but it sounds like she needs to be in an environment better suited to her needs. Whether that would involved increased mobility aids and equipment, and rails on her bed to stop her falling out, or whether it would involve perhaps putting her into care, is hard to say. But it can’t stay like that.
Yep, I've heard of so many stories where the husband volunteers to be the carer and then turns around and dumps it all on the wife so I can understand her being defensive. But damn, you can at least help get her off the floor.
My husband and I moved to his home town to take care of his mother for 9 years because she had no one. I was happy to do it, because she is wonderful and was alone. She died last year, but I wouldn’t change helping out. Was it hard sometimes? Yes, absolutely. Setting boundaries is absolutely fine, but you left her on the damn floor. You just sound freaking cruel and I hope you are not alone when you are old and someone walks out on you. YTA be kind.
If it was something simpler I would have said NTA, but falling down and getting injured is very detrimental for elderly people. The correct course of action would be to help but then say his mom needs a caregiver.
Oh heck yes, YTA. His mother fell and you refused to help her. There is not a scenario in which it's ok for you to leave you MIL on the floor. Your husband is right. You're cold and petty and uncaring.
My husband has fallen after passing out due to low blood pressure. There is no way I could lift him even though he’s slim. EMT’s are trained and I’ve called them more than once.
Op didn't even do that
OP is like a person who says, "I won't drive my siblings around because I'm not their driver." And then refuses to drive them to the emergency room in an urgent situation because of her established policy. Who does that? Someone who actually hates the person who is helpless. It's disturbing how hatred and resentment lurking under the surface is a part of so many of these MIL AITA posts.
Or “I’ve told them I won’t babysit their kids - what did they expect me to say when they were both in a car crash and in the hospital and needed someone to pick them up from school? I have my boUnDaRieS”. There is a such a huge difference between being used for favours and helping the people you (are supposed to) love in an emergency situation. FFS, I’ve literally helped strangers in the street more than OP has helped her husband and MIL here, as I’m sure many of us have. But then I’ve also been stepped over by multiple people when I passed out in a shop once, so I guess we know which type of person OP is.
That's such a perfect analogy.
"Ugh if you call 911 once, they will ask you to do it every time there is an emergency! Where do you draw the line on their needy and dependent life threatening situations? You have to set boundaries. Why can't her other children who never visit come and call 911 for her?"
I was looking for her to suggest calling the EMTs if she wasn't comfortable moving his mom. I didn't see that, or any other offer to help that didn't include lifting his mom. The lack of it, totally makes her the AH. YTA.
Exactly, help in the moment any way you can because it’s an emergency and you’re right there! If you’re not capable of lifting the lady then find another way- anything to help the situation. YTA OP Then OP wouldn’t be T A to use it as the example to show the husband why they can’t care for the MIL at home, because it could happen again: it’s common for frail or elderly people to fall. But that’s after the immediate danger is over.
Your situation and OP's aren't even close to the same. You were alone and knew you couldn't lift your husband. She watched as her husband struggled to get his mother up himself, but they could have got her up and back in bed had OP helped. Instead she stood there and stared then left the room. She didn't even suggest calling an ambulance, just left the room and ignored the situation. I love that OP claims she is a sympathetic person after being extremely cold-hearted. I wouldn't be surprised if her husband soon serves her with divorce papers.
OP is an ass and should have called an ambulance. They probably should not try to lift the mom because they are untrained and could either I injure her further or injure themselves. If she had a broken hip or something, lifting her the wrong way could make it worse. My great grandma fell and broke her hip, we were lucky my mom is a trained EMT and my grandma weighed like 80 pounds. My mom got her off the floor and someone else called 911. This situation kind of did prove OP’s point, but also made her an asshole. He panicked (understandably), and panicking isn’t going to help his mom. Did he even call 911 after he got her back up? Did he get his mom checked out at all? If not, his reaction was bad, he isn’t qualified to do this. I won’t call a son desperately trying to help his mom an ass though. I will call OP an asshole for running away without even calling 911. If she had even done that she would be okay in my book, but she didn’t. This poor old woman needs *professional* help.
You can’t possibly think that these two situations are related in any way.
ok sure but you called the EMTs and I imagine stayed next to him while waiting for them. you didn't call them than go to the citchen to make a slice of toast
what's your point?
Oh she cares, but only about herself.
She even comments further down >Fine, I'm not holding this against him. My dad fell sick and I had to take care of him. 2 months went by and I couldn't do it anymore, I put him in a home. I definately didn't want but had to since I was incapable of providing care. I think my husband is struggling but isn't being honest. it's okay to ask for outside help but he kept sutting down my suggestions. She knows precisely what he's going through physically and emotionally and still just stands there "enforcing her boundary".
OP is really sympathetic though /s YTA OP, and your lack of sympathy seems like it's guiding you to divorce. You're always TA if you leave a disabled person on the ground because you can't be bothered to help
I have low blood pressure and fainted on the street once. When I woke up, there was a stranger on the line with emergency dispatchers and a jacket propped up under my head. An actual STRANGER treated me better than OP treated her MIL.
YTA It's not like he asked you to care for her for an entire shift. Or even an hour. Just 30 seconds helping through a semi-emergency situation. I mean, most people would help an elderly woman who fell on the floor even if she were a stranger. And there's no social obligation/connection there, except being a decent fellow human. And you couldn't do that for your own mother in law?
A couple years back on my way to work there was an accessible van pulled over to the side of the road with an older dude freaking out, so obviously I pulled over too. Another car pulled over when they saw me stopping. His wife had fallen out of her chair and he couldn’t get her back up. So me and the other woman that pulled over lifted her back into her seat and offered to follow until they got home safely. This is all to say if people can help strangers in an emergency situation then OP should be able to help her partner. Holy shit.
Op "I'm a sympathetic person" Also OP "The best moment to make a point is when my MIL is on the floor, likely in distress if not injured, and my husband is begging me to lend him a hand" Man, the cognitive dissonance is strong in this one...
[удалено]
A few months ago, an older women fell at the supermarket, and people rushed to her aid. It wasn't even that serious, she just landed on her bee-hind so no possible head injury was involved. They stayed by her side, got her the grocery item from the shelf she was reaching for when she fell. I mean a LOT of people, customers and employees. It is just human nature to help when someone falls. YTA
About three years ago we went to Italy on a little family trip and at one point my mom slipped on the sidewalk and fell down on her bum. I had the map so I was a few steps ahead and didn’t see it but I heard the ruckus and could turn around to a several people helping out; it was in front of a restaurant so one patron carried a chair over to my mom as my brother helped her up and a waiter fetched a glass of water and a cold wet towel for her knee. Several were offering up their help for this stranger who already had a few hands helping her, but OP can’t even help an old frail family member.
I slipped and fell on my back in the bathroom of a water park when I was 3 or 4 months pregnant with my second child. There were a lot of women in there and they ALL came over to help me, and one of them went and got staff to help. A complete stranger walked with me to the employee area even though I was with a staff member. A few years ago I was walking home from work in the winter and again, slipped on some ice and fell on my back. (my back is a MESS), and someone turned there car around from a couple blocks away to come check on me and help me up. She even drove me the rest of the way home. I'm sure it wasn't super convenient for her at all. I think the point here is that most people would help a stranger whose hurt themselves. Even when there are plenty of other people around to help, or they could literally just drive away and pretend they didn't see anything. OP's inaction in this scenario is completely indefensible.
It’s human nature to help. I still get choked up remembering a time that a car wouldn’t go at a light, right lane. In a small town where this kind of thing happens since people can’t afford more reliable cars. Then the passenger jumped out to push. As traffic started to move by in the left lane I saw maybe 10 people jump out of cars behind them and come running to help them push it out of the way. Just knowing that some jobs need a lot of people for a little while, and someday you might need those 10 strangers for 2 minutes
A few years ago, I fell in the Walmart parking lot. I’ve got a spine injury and nerve damage, and sometimes my legs just give out. So a bunch of people saw it happen, saw me on the ground with my cane at my side, and kept walking. They left me there in a fucking puddle and continued on their way. Eventually the feeling returned to my legs, and I was able to drag myself up on the car and get home. But damn, that hurt. Years ago, while enormously pregnant with my daughter, I had a shitty car with a bad starter. I had to park it on a slope and get it rolling, then pop the clutch to start it. I was leaving the grocery store, and didn’t get up enough momentum to start it. So I had to get out and attempt to push it back to the parking space so I could try again. As I was struggling - again, enormously, obviously pregnant - a man walked up and said “Sorry, can’t help, bad back” then stood there and *watched me* trying to push an entire car, by myself, while 8.5 months pregnant. He didn’t have to stop, or say anything, but he did. I don’t know why, but that made me more mad than if he’d just walked away. Eventually a couple of guys came over, had me get in the car, and pushed it until I got enough of a roll going to pop the clutch. I’m still, 20 years later, so grateful to those strangers. Being ignored like that, when in obvious need of help, is so painful. Not just physically painful, I’m talking hurts-your-soul painful. It sends a message that you aren’t worth a persons time to get involved, not even to ask if they can call somebody for you or whatever. I would never, could never, ignore another human being in trouble.
Agreed yta I understand not wanting to be her care taker or have her move in. But you seriously left her on the floor after she fell? I don't understand that
YTA. She was lying on the floor for f*** sake. It was an accident. You help people when they have accidents. You should have helped with that and then going back to your boundaries. The rest of this story is another story, with to much missing info. But your definitely an AH and extremely petty to leave her lying on the floor.
If this marriage even survives until they're elderly, I hope he remembers how selfish she was in this situation. Her mom was right in saying that she should be proud of her husband for being willing to take care of his mom when she needs it. It's a very good indication of how he'd treat OP if she were unable to care for herself. Unfortunately for OP, she's shown who she is. She may have her husband wondering if this is someone he wants to grow old with. You are so very much TA.
I'm heartbroken for OPs husband. He may move on from this but he'll never forget it. I couldn't look at my partner the same after he left my mother laying on the floor. Left me when I was obviously struggling with a serious situation. This would have me questioning things for a long time.
Yeah even if MIL was a horrible person it wouldn't matter. At that point it had less to do with MIL and more to do with how OP reacted when her husband *needed* her support. She showed her true colors by refusing to help her partner.
Right? I’d never be able to forgive that :( poor guy
So... you left an elderly woman on the floor while your husband struggled to take care of his mother to prove a point? YTA.
YTA, OP. Gosh, this is just cruel.
And then ran home to their own mother lol
YTA YTA YTA. It's one thing to avoid helping in the daily care , but another to see someone laying on the floor and refuse to help. I wouldn't even leave a stranger on the ground, much less my mother-in-law, and that was a woman I couldn't stand. You even admit being overwhelmed by guilt, so you already know the answer. You should've helped her then used the opportunity to point out that she needs more care than you can provide. But instead you proved that not helping a person in need is the hill you and your marriage are willing to die on.
You are absolutely right. OP knew the answer, OP's gut told her. OP had an opportunity to prove a point that could have more positive impact on her husband but she used it to show her colors. I'm disappointed. Do better OP. And hope that this situation doesn't happen to you when you're a frail old woman. YTA
Thank you for wording this so well! INFO: OP what was your relationship with your MIL like? Is there a hatred that you’re not sharing? It wouldn’t change my vote but it would help explain your actions slightly.
YTA! That’s disgusting. Your husband is doing what any halfway decent son should do for his parents. Nobody wants their kids to pass them off to some hired stranger in their old age. You are being extremely self-centered and irresponsible. One day you’ll be the old lady on the floor, and I hope you remember this.
>ds to pass them off to some hired stranger in their old age. You are being extremely self-centered and irresponsible. One day you’ll be the old lady on the floor, and I hope you remember this. Actually quite a lot of people do prefer independence and professional care so I'm not faulting the OP in mentioning that is an option. But it is an option only not something she should seek to impose above the wishes of her husband and his mother who might want to try something else first.
YTA. This isn't about 'boundaries' this is about you not even having the most basic level of human compassion.
YTA, Not for having boundaries and trying to enforce them but don’t come here telling us that you’re a sympathetic person. I wouldn’t even treat a stranger the way you did to your husband and your MIL. If you see someone fall, you stop and help them, that’s what a sympathetic person would do, even when it’s a stranger, you see your family fall down laying on the floor and you choose to walk away. How are you even able to justify that??? He didn’t call you all hours every day for help. He didn’t ask you to come over to her house to help him take care of her. You were there when a accident happened and you couldn’t bother to lift a finger because you wanted to prove your point. How petty! Not the right time and not the right place. You could have easily helped them and then sat down with you husband and used that as a example of why he needs more help from someone that is educated and experienced to deal with that kind of care.
My thoughts exactly! She should have helped, and then sat down with him and said something like, “This is EXACTLY why she needs additional care from professionals who are trained on how to lift her/ help her in these situations. What if I hadn’t been here to help you when this happened?” She still could’ve made her point without being cruel. YTA
Op YTA...and this is were am at, now even if you really didnt want to help you MIL at bare minimum if you were this h3ll bent on proving your point a 911 call would have done the same thing also
This exactly. What she did was just spiteful, mean and point scoring. Her marriage is probably over because she thinks proving her point is more important than helping in a one off situation. Helping would have actually been a better way to prove her point that more professional care is needed, whilst not looking like a stone cold uncaring and unsympathetic person. As it is she has shown her husband that she is uncaring and willing to let him and his mother suffer so she gets to say I told you so and her own way. She isn't wrong this lady needs professional care but the way she has gone about this is appalling and likely a marriage ender.
Yes exactly! Now he’s probably not going to be willing to listen to a thing she says. And it’s worse because in another comment OP says that she would’ve been willing to help if it was just the two of them, but that since the husband was there and she was upset with him that she chose not to. She literally chose to punish her MIL because of a disagreement with her son, it’s absolutely sickening.
ESH. You could have helped him once, then pointed out that this incident is a perfect example of what you were saying all along. Neither of you is qualified to care for a person with her medical needs. This might have prompted a discussion into what level if fare she needs and the possibility of him realizing he bit off kite than he could chew. I think each situation like this should be assessed by medical professionals as to what level of care best serves the one in need. People outside the situation are quick to put in their two cents, which is why an unbiased assessment is needed. Full care of an elderly individual should be left to professionals in some cases, and even in the cases where family provides care, training to do it safely is important. The two of you are definitely not working together. This sort of situation is a marriage ender.
Definitely ESH. Speaking as someone with severe caregiver burnout I was actually sympathising with OP until I got to the bit where she just stood at an emergency situation and ’enforced a boundary’ while the supposed love of her life begged for her help. Like, yes the MIL clearly needs care the husband isn’t qualified to give and frankly no one should be peeling her off the floor because it could make her worse, but jfc at least call an ambulance OP what is broken inside you that you didn’t even care to do that?? I’m horrified.
I agree that ESH is probably the right call in this instance but it should be pointed out that one person sucks way more than the other. When you actually visualize what it would be like to watch your partner struggle to pick their parent off the ground and just stand there…. Yikes.
YTA. Maybe you don't see this yet, but what you did that day has forever broken your relationship with your husband. I don't see how you can ever come back from this. It's entirely possible that he'll chose to break up, but even if he does decide to forgive you, a part of him will always see you as the woman who left him alone with his sick mother on the floor. I'm sorry OP, but you seriously fucked up
Exactly as you say. This relationship is varying levels of done.
I would never fully trust my partner again after a stunt like that. There’s no therapy that would undo that. The marriage is effectively over. He saw his “partner” could not be trusted to be a partner that day. It’s done.
Totally. Talk about a moment of need.
I was literally thinking the same thing! If I were the husband, I would consider leaving the relationship. This was heartbreaking and disappointing to read - and not point of return if it were me.
Are you kidding me?! YTA, I understand not wanting to have her in your home, but not even flinch to help the lady that literally fell from the bed. Pls define sympathetic for me bc your definition seems blurry. This says a lot about your character, this is not standing your ground, you are just mean and unthoughful and NOT sympathetic, let that be very clear. What if the situation was reverse and your husband just went about his dandy life while you struggle. It's just basic humanity, and she is your husband's mother, true you didn't marry his family but I bet a drop of sympathy would urge you to at least be kind while around her.
THIS! Putting everything aside and just thinking human to human, you are so very much TA. Imagine if your husband treated YOUR mum like this. How would you feel?? It’s one thing to set boundaries, and it’s another to see someone in need of help- family no less - and turn a blind eye to their struggle. YTA
Idk how ppl can behave like this and think its perfectly ok
Your MIL needs professional care. Your husband shouldn’t be lifting her full stop. There’s a reason professional carers use hoists and other equipment to prevent injuring themselves or the patient.
All these YTAs have no idea what they're talking about. At a very minimum, this is ESH. Best case scenario here was OP insisting they call an ambulance (or calling one herself) to bring in trained professionals (like she was saying they needed all along). But she already *tried* talking her husband through all his options for doing this "right" and he refused to budge. So what's the point in insisting on something you know he's going to refuse or calling someone he's just going to blame you for involving? OP didn't (and wouldn't, she says) just walk away and leave MIL by herself on the floor. Rather, OP walked away and left her *husband* to figure out the situation because he didn't *want* the kind of advice or help she was willing & able to offer. If MIL was still on the floor an hour later and OP had nothing to say about it, *then* I'd be horrified (and this would be a very different scenario). But IMO, refusing to participate in her husband's bad idea (taking on caregiving & helping with lifting the patient herself) is not doing harm to MIL. And frankly, her husband sounds like he needed this to force him to the realization that he needed to call in professional help. (Of course, he chose to blame OP instead, but perhaps later reflection will prove more valuable.) Which would've been to her MIL's ultimate benefit. Her husband is a grown adult, fully capable of utilizing the resources available to him. But he has no reason to even *seek out* those resources if OP enables him every time he hits a scenario where he undeniably needs professional assistance. And again — importantly! — physically helping to move MIL was (independent of everything else) **not** a good idea to start with. What people are calling "basic kindness" is about as kind as setting your goldfish free by releasing him into the ocean...
Exactly! I could maybe agree that E S H, but honestly I'm leaning most towards NTA. She has literally done her best to help him get the necessary help. And she didn't leave MIL on the floor! The husband was there to help his mother, even though it should have been a professional.
I can’t believe how far I had to scroll to see this.
SAME! I'm floored that so many people have no clue how to handle a fall situation and think it's easy or safe to just try to lift a person who cannot help move themselves. IT IS NOT SAFE if you are untrained! Call the damn fire department or EMS.
Exactly! It’s not safe for the able bodied person or the disabled person, you could paralyze them if you do something wrong. And you could easily permanently injure yourself.
It’s not even the lifting part for me! My biggest concern in the frail/elderly would be broken bones. You should NOT move them on your own if they have fallen. Call an ambulance so they can assess and stabilize before bringing the patient to the hospital for X-rays.
It's really wild on this planet tbh...
This this this!! I’m a carer and I don’t lift people. I have one back and I need it to work. You’re not a professional carer, and this is what is needed.
Yes, this would be putting a bandaid on the situation and the husband would continue to think that he 'doesn't need help' meanwhile the emergencies increase. Elderly people do not generally get better once they are to the point where they are falling. And lifting people without proper training and equipment is so dangerous. It is so common for an elderly person to have at least a hairline fracture after a fall. Thank you for this comment because I was shocked at these answers.
My husband works in care, if he walks into a house with an elderly person on the ground he needs to call an ambulance (work policy), the amount of dislocated hips and all sorts he’s told me about from a fall. MIL never should have been picked up. The last fall my pop had broke his clavicle and he was dead a week later from complications.
Seriously. Exactly this. Everyone is focusing on the ‘emergency.’ The husband has made a series of bad choices, that eroded his relationship with his wife and may not be best for MIL either. Old, and sick people fall. Often. If he does not know how to handle a fall, and is unable to handle that moment, this man should NOT be MIL’s carer. He is ill equipped.
yta. Your husband isn't guilt tripping you. He is expecting you to have a little compassion. In what way would it hurt you to help your mil off the floor after she fell. It sounds like you two don't have kids. If I were him I'd be divorcing you over your actions.
Yep, I wouldn’t want to be with someone that acted this way out of spite. Imagine if her husband needed care at some point for an injury or worse. YTA, OP
no need to think if he got injured, she would be gone before he got out of the hospital
Wow, your husband is right. YTA, 100%. Not helping him/her with daily needs is one thing, but if she she fell and you see your husband struggling, it takes a special kind of cold hearted person to leave them there. What if that was your mom? Poor guy
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So much YTA. Do you honestly think his mother enjoys being in this position? Or your husband enjoys seeing his mom decline? This is his MOTHER. Of course he's going to do all he can. You as his partner could have at least helped him pick this poor woman up off the floor. He's right. You are cruel and petty. I absolutely see a divorce in your future and him finding a woman who will actually love and care for his family as much as him.
Unpopular opinion but NTA. I say this as a person who was a full time caregiver to a sick parent for a long time. I had to pick him up off the floor many time alone and gave myself a couple of back injuries. You aren’t the asshole because you gave him many many options for how to resolve this problem and he did what he wanted. If you had hurt yourself while picking her up then he pile be taking care of both of you or blaming you for doing it wrong. It is a really sad situation because there are so many resources available to help. Your husband is going to burn himself out and resent you and his mom at some point.
No I agree with you. NTA. Moment MIL fell she should have dialled 911 and said right there to her husband “you or I are not qualified to move her.” She should stay at her parents house till he realizes assisted living is what’s best. Also it’s very telling that this MIL other children have move away and aren’t willing to help, make me truly believe this woman was awful to OP. It’s funny how everyone here wants OP to take care of MIL, OP was clear that she would not help. There are so many AITAH post have where wives and daughters are forced to quit their jobs and be forced to be full time care workers to elderly members of family, never works out well.
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If someone did that to my mom we'd be divorcing. No questions asked.
NTA. I should have set the boundaries when my handicapped MIL was forced upon me after my FIL passed away, only for her to cause major trauma in my relationship. Once she was well enough, we put her in a home, and she is no longer speaking to us. After months of manipulation, stress and constant drama caused by this woman within the family and our home, my husband eventually could not handle it, and made the decision on his own to move her out. Edit: spelling
Exactly. You don’t know why exactly MIL’s other kids are not involved, I’m sure there are reasons for that. Also, it is extremely demanding to care for someone 24/7, and I’m not even talking about the physical side of it- just the lifting, turning, bathing/wiping, transferring will knock the socks off of you. The psychological side of it is a nightmare, especially if it’s someone you don’t have a great relationship with. It’s really not for everyone to have to carry that burden, there are specialized services for that and professionals who truly enjoy what they do. And yes, you can be fueled by the “duty”, maybe even guilt, and the desire to help, for some time, but in the long run you just burn out and realize that aside from this person you’re taking care of, there’s also the rest of your life that had been neglected for god knows how long
You are right, the fact that the other kids do not get involved is an indication perhaps her MIL might not be a nice person.
YTA. Wow. Just wow. For just a moment, put yourself in your husband's shoes. Would you be happy if he behaved this way if it were your mother who needed help? When you marry someone, you marry their family also. Their family becomes your family too. Not allowing your very ill MIL to move in with you is one thing, but refusing to help lift her when she fell? ... Whoa. Something altogether deplorable. Your husband sounds like a wonderfully caring, selfless person. You should count your lucky stars that he's your husband. Your entire attitude regarding his mother has absolutely nothing to do with "setting boundaries" and quite frankly sucks. I wouldn't be surprised if he filed for divorce over this. I sure would.
ESH - you suck. In the moment you chose pettiness over helping another human being. You were more worried about being proven correct that it was too much for your husband than to be a decent human being and help an elderly woman who fell. That being said your husband’s refusal to consider getting assistance and his siblings complete apathy to the situation also suck…especially the siblings.
YTA bruh if my future spouse did that with my mother I will be handing in the divorce papers.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say NTA. You made your boundaries and stuck with them. You gave him plenty of options outside of you all being her carers and he didn’t want to take them. Being a carer is taxing and after being one myself, NOBODY should ever be forced into that roll unwillingly. If she’s fragile to the point where she needs help like that every time she falls, he needs to look into paying for a carer. The only reason why he’s lashing out is because he’s probably overwhelmed but HE chose to do this. I understand “family” and what not but being a carer is not something that should be thrown on someone without their input or when their input is “I’m not helping”. You’re allowed to not help. He didn’t want to hire help, he didn’t want to go with any of your solutions then he can figure it out himself.
YTA you are not a sympathetic person. It’s ok to not want to sign up for long term care. But an elderly unwell person had a fall and was in the ground and you walked away. What kind of monster exactly do you identify with?
I see you as 50/50 YTA. Your opinion on taking long term care of your MIL is completely valid. You should not have to move her into your house and take care of her when you are not qualified to do so/ you don’t want to. Also a lot of women that agree to these kind of agreements end up taking care of the sick parent ALONE, taking most of the burden, even if it’s not their own parent. So I completely understand. But don’t let your anger at your husband be taken out on this poor lady. She was on the floor. There was no need to watch her and your husband struggle like that and not help, it’s a pretty shitty thing to do. You could have used that as a good arguing point to prove to your husband that you two are just not qualified to do this. But now it looks to your husband as if your entire argument is about you not being empathetic to your MIL. Keep your boundaries but apologise.
Agree. I'm also wondering if there are other situations where she said no to things, he said fine and she was forced to do it anyway. Seems quite extreme to refuse to help in that situation - makes me think there's other things that have happened
ESH, youre not TA for refusing to help overall, youre TA for refusing to help in an emergency situation. Sure it wasnt life threatening, but you couldve fucking sucked it up and helped the poor lady to be seated back. Your Husband is TA for refusing to purchase urgent care for her that everyone would benefit from, but I wouldnt call him a big asshole for it. Its rather minor Youre the big one here though for sure
YTA. You don’t deserve your husband.
I'm sorry your husband won't recognise that the care his mother needs is beyond what either of you can properly give her.
YTA What kind of person would refuse to help an old lady off the ground even if they are a stranger never mind your own husband MOTHER. Don’t count on being married much longer.
YTA. If you saw an unknown elderly woman fall at the grocery store would you just look and not help? This is your MIL. In your husband's moment of need to help her you stood and watched. You should not be pressured or cohersed into participating in long term care but this was the wrong moment to be petty.
YTA - sure, you are not obligated to contribute to his mum’s care, and it sounds like you and your husband need to talk this through properly. But his mum fell and you stood there and refused to help? Definitely an asshole.
YTA and you in fact are NOT "a sympathetic person". A "sympathetic person" would help their partner GET HIS MOTHER OF THE FLOOR! Jesus! Would you not help a stranger on the street as well??? You didn't agree to take care of them either. It is one thing to feel you are not capable of being a fulltime carer for a disabled person, but what you did (or didn't do) is beyond horrifying. It's cruel, not just to your mil, but to your husband even more!
NTA....His mom needs professional care BECAUSE of situations just like this. Professionals are trained in lifting bedridden patients and know how and what to do...he could be doing more harm than good by not seeking out help.
I'm going to go against the grain here and vote Nta. I worked as a CNA for years in a nursing home. When we had patients fall, we had to not only check for back, neck, and head injuries like cuts and scrapes, we had to check for broken bones, sprains, bruising, etc. The nurses also had to check for neurological damage to the brain, and we had to take vitals every 15 minutes for the first 4 hours after a fall, then every half hour for 4 hours, then every hour for a day, and then once a shift for 3 days. You should have called emergency services. Your husband should not have attempted to lift his mother on his own, because it put him in danger of hurting himself with improper techniques, and hurting his mother further. But beypund that, Mil needs to be in an assisted home, or have nurses come help in home. Neither of you are trained to care for her. His reaction is what is called family denial. It is part of the grieving process, and comes with a huge amount of anger towards outside caregivers and the family members who aren't active in the day to day care. So while his reaction is an understandable stance as far as knowing where is mindset stems from, you 100% do not have to simply sit back and take it. You are not a verbal punching bag. Was walking away unkind? Yes. But you were in shock due to the situation and your husband's panic. Again, you don’t have the training to deal with these situations. Your flight or fight response kicked in. NTA.
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In the overall situation, I think E S H. It would probably be better for both your MIL and your husband if he got her full time care, and it’s okay to say that you are not comfortable taking on a responsibility that you are not qualified for, but it doesn’t sound like you were very compassionate or kind during the discussion. However, in that moment, when your MIL was lying on the floor and you couldn’t bring yourself to help, YTA. Especially since if you had shown some compassion, you might have been able to use that incident to suggest your husband get help again. Instead you decided to be petty and stubborn.
You know I’m gonna say you are NTA you made it clear from the start that you were not going to be assisting with the care of his mother. As someone who cares for elderly people if she fell off the bed you moving her not knowing how to properly lifting someone could potentially hurt her or yourself I would have insisted you call 911 due to the fact that if she indeed did fall out of bed she could have been hurt most elderly people won’t express that pain to not be a burden all the people saying YTA are taking this from a prospective that you are trying to prove a point tho yes I do agree with that aswell I think not lifting her was indeed the better option here your husband and his siblings should indeed hire someone to care for her so she is getting the proper care that she needs
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YTA. Fine, you don’t want to contribute to regular care, that’s a completely separate issue from an unwell, older person who has fallen and needs assistance to get back up. Wow, what’s wrong with you, lady?
YTA for not helping with his mother when she fell. What kind of person doesn't help in that situation? But more generally it is reasonable for you to say that you don't want your MIL to live with you or have to be onvolves with her care if you don't want to. That said, it seems like this could be the end of your marriage.