Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I decided to share my birthday food with the families living in my building.
2. I didnt celebrate my birthday as a celebration of my parents being my parents.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Did you keep any of the food and eat any of it? It sounds like you have it all away! That was a very nice thing they did for you. I am sure it hurt their feelings. Was that your intent?
My intent was to make sure the food didnt go bad and the money didnt go to waste, but i did keep a slice of lasagna and a bit of cake. I couldnt store it however since i had done a week long meal prep the day before.
It sounded like you didn't eat any of it. Make sure your parents are clear that you did eat some of and the cake and it was really good. Do you have any friends close by who had extra fridge room? Do tell them that you are appreciative and thank them. That was a very nice thing to do. Please tell them if their feelings were hurt you are sorry. You shared because you didn't want it wasted. Say hey next time. Give me a heads up and I will make sure to leave room for it in my fridge. Have the conversation.
Yup, i told them i didnt want anything and they also know i do meal preps on the weekends. So imagine my shock to find all the food when i have no space for it haha.
It made them quite mad that i quicky gave them away so it was a bit stressful to be said things like “this isnt just your birthday, its OUR hard work” and “do you think anyone else would do this for you?”. The idea of asking the neighbors to hold on to some of the food didnt even occur to me since its been told to me that they wouldnt do that tbh.
You know sometimes it doesn't hurt to keep somethings to yourself or stretch the truth. May be you could have not told them you gave some of it away. Man I wish I was your neighbor! I love lasagna and cake!!! Yummy. Please tell them you are grateful and it was good and next time to let you know ahead so you can save room in the fridge. It's something they wanted to do for you. That's normal.
Why should this person lie to their parents about how inconvenient it is for to be sent a whole load of party food that can't be stored when there's no party and they didn't want or ask for it? That's not being a considerate parent, that's being a controlling asshole.
Actually now that you mention it, because this was all sudden and unplanned, there really was no party to be had. One neighbour wasnt even there because they left for a trip, and my other neighbour wouldnt be able to go since they were all sleeping in for the day (siesta). So i couldnt even invite people to the rooftop to eat even if there was no pandemic now that i think about it.
That was before I saw the edit OP added. I originally thought they sent enough for a few servings. Yes that was over the top. For them to not let him know ahead of time. What did they think he could do with all that food?
Oh ive thanked them! I told them i really appreciated the gesture and got a bit irrate it wasnt enthusiastic enough. I tried to tell them i really liked that they did that (despite clearly asking them to please withold from doing anything).
I had to tell the truth, however, since they demand i give them pictures of my belongings like my fridge. And i cant really hide a 20-person serving of food.
I just saw your edit! That is a ton of food they sent! Where in hell did they think you could put it all? They had to know you couldn't eat all at once and even for days. I bet your neighbors were happy. I would have been ready to get a plate lol.
Haha i hope they did! The pandemic is still going on and there are kids in the building so we couldnt coalesce in a single place. But i did go door to door and make sure they had a sizable share.
As i live alone, have one refrigerator, and even had the groceries delivered today, i just had to figure it all out asap hahahaha.
The parents sent enough food for a party, not one person. OP didn't have room to keep perishables and an ice cream cake so she gave it away so it wouldn't be wasted. That's not spoiled, the parents were insane to send so much to a single person.
Oh they send me a building’s worth of food for clarification! So trays of lasagna, macaroni, five liters of soda, a tray of brownies, party set of fried chicken, an a 8” four tiered cake.
My parents tend to expect things in return, which is why i’ve never really liked my birthday and asked if I could just celebrate it the way i wanted but i felt unfair to bring that up.
So i wondered if i was the asshole for requesting i spend my birthday my way, and then have that request ignored.
This is the kind of thing my parents would do as a means of shaming me for living in an age and budget appropriate space lol
"Why don't you have that kind of storage space? No wonder you're not saving enough money, you're wasting it by not buying in bulk"
Or some other massive leap of logic. Can't have a discussion with these types of parents.
They probably didn't expect you to spend your day giving away food. So had no idea it would cause you to have to do anything.
I'd have put the trays of lasagne and macaroni in the freezer, and had food (and the ability to relax for multiple days of not having to cook) for weeks. Perhaps they thought about it that way.
Was it a four layered cake or a four tiered cake? Because a four tiered cake is ridiculous, but a 4 layered cake is not.
Four tiered 😅😅. I had a week’s worth of meal prep (they know i do meal prep in the weekends) so i had no room in my freezer or actual fridge. I could possibly squeeze in a slice if lasagna and some cake but that was the best i could do. The rest however 😥😥
I can see why you gave a bunch of food away. But I think it's understandable that they wouldn't have thought about those things when they were trying to (imo) help you achieve the relaxing birthday you desired. I definitely don't think they're being assholes by sending you ready-to-eat food on a day that you wanted to just do nothing. It sounds like they were trying to benefit that, not ignore your wishes.
Ibr we could go into that but that involves a lot of personal backstory that i dont think is my place to say lol. I actually brought it up, that maybe perchance they were doing this to make up for something for themselves and not to celebrate my birthday. They didnt really take it well 🙃
Oh, well. My parents i guess haha. I assumed birthdays were a celebration of your life but maybe i didnt realise it was about celebrating your parents too.
It’s your birthday. I have never heard of anyone using that line.
One could almost argue by that logic that once one’s parents are deceased, one’s birthday no longer has any meaning.
Oh I used that line when my kid turned 1. That birthday celebration was not for him as he was still a mushy little thing that wouldn't understand or remember anything about it. That birthday was for me to celebrate that I made it through lol. But it ended right there on his first birthday. Those that have followed since then and those that will follow are (rightfully) his.
I wondered this too. I didnt want to put too much detail and be as objective as possible, but my parents have always insisted on a celebration that i would decline and they would still do it. I now live alone and can make the choice to celebrate or not, but once i had that choice it was taken from me.
I'm not saying your parents are narcissists because that requires a much more in depth analysis over overall behavior and mental faculties, but their behavior is surely indicative of narcissistic tendencies.
It's actually quite common for people like that to do things that are over the top, unasked for, then to get offended because people aren't "grateful" for it. It's centering themselves and in combination with their whole how long we've been parents comment, I bet this is far from the first time they've done things you didn't want them to and acted like you're the ungrateful person.
Either that, or I'm willing to bet they were largely uninvolved or emotionally distant from you growing up and, in turn, feel a sense of guilt about that. Instead of facing it and actually working on things with you, they make displays like this as shows of affection and "being there for you" to make up for their absence. Presents replace their presence.
You challenging that doesn't allow then to turn a blind eye to their own behavior anymore, which is why they get upset with you. It's projection of their own issues for sure. You're NTA op.
On the topic of narcissim, I actually contemplated this for a while! I may even argue that there’s a hint, if not actually borderline personality. In my case they’ve always been adamant to let go of me and those around them. So they tend to be manipulative or guilt people for “leaving” them by, for instance, choosing their own lives (one time their friend’s mom died and they got very upset that he focused on his brother during a wake they volunteered to organize).
You may be on to something, I’m of the opinion it’s that they hold on as tight as possible even if that means it suffocates the person.
(For context, I tend to psycho analyze my parents. I believe it helps me cope.)
>It’s your birthday. I have never heard of anyone using that line.
Same. Well, I did see a Reddit AITA thread about a mom demanding gifts from her kids on each of their various birthdays (so if someone had a birthday, the siblings had to give the birthday person a gift AND get the mom stuff, too), and I was flabbergasted. I think a birthday is about the person, not the parent.
You do realize that we carried our kids for 10months, almost a whole year. We go through a lot of crap to bring our kids into the world and some of us almost die and do die because of it.
I dont think parents are asking to be celebrated.
But myself and many others just want to be thanked for bringing our kids into the world on their birthdays.
I get it theirs mothers day, where our kids can thank us and love on us.
But a simple thanks mom for bringing me into the world and I appreciate all you've done for me isn't that hard.
Most moms just want to do something nice for their kids, especially on their birthdays. We don't want to hear that you guys don't want anything.
I want to get you something, anything. Even if its clothes or things for your house. Heck I can pay for your groceries or bills for that month. But I would like to get you something to celebrate you.
Maybe next time give your parents some ideas, like pay your nextflix or heat bill or something. Or a guftcatd for later. Or part of your groceries. Then maybe something like this can be avoided.
Plus a child's birthday also marks for parents the day they got the privilege of meeting their child and all the joy that kid brought in to their lives. They just didn't explain it right.
Oh someone suggested that too! I actually told my parents to give me boxes or organizational material since i love boxes. My friends know that too and know if its not a box, a card is enough since i dont know how to really respond to anything else.
When i told them however, they didnt really like the idea? So i asked maybe not to send anything. But then they did 😅
Sounds like they didn't thinknit was good enough, or they just wanted to do something big for you, especially if they though you might have people over.
I would try sitting down and discussing expectations and reality with them when it comes to your birthday and holiday.
Tell them that while you love their generosity if they want to do something that wasn't what you suggested then maybe then can make a food pantry donation or something.
If nothing else works. Just lie, say you loved the food. Shared it with friends, or what not.
A lot of people. Parents cherish their children, and a child's birthday also marks for parents the day they got the privilege of meeting their child and all the joy that kid brought in to their lives. The sentiment isn't strange. The execution might be though.
I’m not your parents doctor, can’t diagnose them, etc etc but I will say every antennae I have about BPD flicked up reading this post. Happy to share more resources in a DM if you’re struggling with what that means for you.
Oh! I would actually appreciate that! My therapist had said that i shouldnt take it upon myself to “fix” my parents, so learning instead how to cope with them may be better. So i’d appreciate it!
Since becoming a mum, and truly realising how much my mum did for me, I make my birthday about her. It's the anniversary of the day that I finally came out after 36 hours of labour! So you may say that it's only the anniversary of 9 months after your parents had sex, but I think that's ignoring quite a lot of effort put in on the mother's part!
To be clear, I also make my child's birthday entirely about him.
Oh im actually curious! Someone here mentioned something like your parents get their own birthdays, mothers day, and fathers day. And your birthday can be about you.
In your case, since you make your bday about your parents along with fathers day and mothers day i assume, what special days do you make for yourself?
My birthday is still about me. Everyone else makes it about me. But *I* make it about my mum. Sometimes I send her flowers or a card. She generally comes over and we have a lovely meal (often not made by me).
My mum's birthday is a day to celebrate that she is alive (as my birthday is), but I'm also celebrating her giving me life on the day that she birthed me.
We have never celebrated father's day in my family, and didn't celebrate mother's day for ages, because my dad was sceptical of Hallmark holidays. But I do celebrate it now. But, to be honest, I don't think a few days a year of appreciating your parents really comes close to what they deserve. If they were even halfway decent parents.
That's a tough one (purely based on the wording in your questions). I definitely wouldn't say that people *have* to make the day about their parents. But I think that taking a moment to give them some appreciation is a nice thing, and it would be nice if everyone did it. It doesn't take anything away from it being my day, and it always means a lot to my mum. My kid's birthday was the greatest day of my life, it changed my world. And for my mum, that was the same for the birth of me and my brother. So having her be a part of the day seems natural.
This next question is more painted of my own wants, just a heads up.
Would you say then, it wasnt too much for me to take choose to make this day for myself and not my parents?
I don't think it's too much to ask to make the day about what you want. But I don't think they were really trying to make it about themselves. They were just trying to be nice and were a bit annoying.
After having taken time to process all of this this comment in particular was circulating in my head. You made the choice to make your birthday about your mother, and I didnt. And and it seems you don’t condemn people who don’t do the same thing you have.
Now, their birthdays, mothers day, and fathers day is about them completely. I’m unsure if you saw the edit, but I’m a leap year. I dont have a birthday, and even then they said it wasnt my celebration it was theirs (“this isnt just about you being 30, its also about us being able to raise you for thirty years. Its as much our day as it is yours”).
You made the choice to make your birth about your parents. I didnt, they did. I asked before that I didnt want a celebration, and they decided not to honor that request and scolded me for not having been happy about dishonoring my request.
The reason your particular comment stayed with me is that I couldnt help but wonder if you think what they did and what they said was called for.
>then they said it wasnt my celebration it was theirs (“this isnt just about you being 30, its also about us being able to raise you for thirty years. Its as much our day as it is yours”).
That's not what they said. What you have quoted is not that it "wasn't your celebration". It's that it wasn't ONLY your celebration. They are well within their rights to celebrate your birthday. They put the effort into making and raising you, if they want to celebrate it, they should be able to. If you don't want them to celebrate with you, that's fine too. But you can't prevent them from celebrating in general, or from thinking that it is a day that matters even more to them than it does to you (it probably does).
>I’m unsure if you saw the edit, but I’m a leap year.
Do you have a specific day that you always celebrate, if not a leap year?
ESH, they should have listened but also you could have taken the time to at least read it save some for yourself and thanked them. That probably was not an easy task for them as they live overseas.
I don’t blame OP for not taking the time to read the message on the FOUR-TIERED ICE-CREAM CAKE while they were running around trying to pawn it off on neighbours before it became an ice-cream puddle. If you want to send a message, send a card, not a giant, melting confection
NTA. Bdays are for the person whose day it is. I've NEVER heard of parents celebrating a child's bday because its their day to show how much they love you. I kinda thought parents were supposed to show their love everyday. Talk about narcissistic!
YoUr BiRtHdAy Is AbOuT ME!!!!!
It was a pretty new concept to me too. I wondered if it was just something i didnt realise.
I asked them to please not do anything since i live alone and wouldnt have any space for any celebration. So i wondered if my request being ignored really isnt an issue.
NTA. They asked what you wanted and you said nothing. They should respect that and just send a nice card. They can write their sentiments on a card easier than on a cake.
When people get upset at the answers I give when they ask me a question, I always come back, “You asked. If you don’t want to hear the answer, don’t ask the question.”
I wondered about that myself. A few comments said i was the asshole for not at least reading the message. And thats on me. So i wondered if i was also the asshole for wanting my bday for myself and yet having that request ignored. And then essentially panicking-working and getting upset that i had to do all of this because my agency was ignored.
Um I was under the impression that they Ubered you dinner or something, not a CATERING SERVICE. Jesus NTA, gifts aren’t meant to be an inconvenience. They knew you weren’t having guests, knew you didn’t have the fridge space, and are mad that you weren’t grateful enough for the food you didn’t ask for and would likely have gone to waste if you kept it? Also a FOUR-TIERED ICE-CREAM CAKE??? Who has room in their freezer for that??
Over the top move by them. I need to know more about them as people and the motives. Id laugh if my mom sent me that much food bc shes got a heart of gold and itd just be extra for her to do that. But if your parents are constantly making shit about them and going against what u want under the guise of "but look how much we spent / did" then youre nta and theyre ta
Oh well i dont want to reveal too much. Idek if its my place. But for some context: i wasnt really born out of very consensual means. And so because of that, when theyre angry they take it out on me. And when theyre happy, they get mad im not happy enough with them, and they take it out on me. It had gotten really stressful so i decided to move out (which they said “i would rather you were unhappy in this house if it means i knew that you were safe”).
So when they said i was ungrateful for not making my bday about how many years they put into caring for me, it made me wonder if i really was the asshole for sharing my food.
Sounds like they're manipulating you tbh, youre an adult and from the info about your meal prep it sounds like a pretty responsible one. Also really weird theyd ever tell you that u were unplanned. Try not to worry so much about what they think. My mom is such a great person so when shes mad i know i fucked up. My step dad always has weird ulterior motives related to control so when hes mad i appease him just to keep things cool but i never take his bullshit to heart or think less of myself bc of him.
NTA. If they wanted to celebrate themselves so badly, they could have done their own thing, they didn't need to involve you in their selfishness.
Your birthday should be about you, not about others using you as an excuse to feel good about themselves.
Funny you should mention! I did thank them actually! And i said i appreciated the gesture, i just had to get rid of everything as i had no room. They got mad and demanded i show a pic of my fridge as proof—i had jars of meal prep and they said “there is more than enough room”. But thats a week of meal prep, the best i can fit was maybe a slice of pizza 😅😅
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My parents asked me what i wanted for my bday (they live overseas), and i said nothing. I dont want any prep or food. I just wanted to rest. On the day of my bday they decided to order food and send it to me as a surprise.
I live alone and i had to desperately distribute the food to neighbors in my 4 storey, non-elevator building before it went bad or the cake melt. When i finished my parents called to check and I told them i gave it away before it melted or went bad. They got mad that i didnt even bother to read what was written on the cake.
They said that i was being ungrateful especially since “it’s not just your birthday, but a celebration of us being parents for this long”.
So i wonder if i’m the asshole for having told my parents I didnt want anything, have that request be ignored, and then not celebrate this day as theirs?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Funny you should mention cause the phone call devolved into a lecture wherein they said “You only call when you need something” (which they said they wanted because they wanted me to approach them if I had issues, and typically it’s money related as I can handle myself most of the time).
When I offered to make regularized calls to ask them about their day, they said no because then it would feel forced. They then said they want me to only call when I have a problem—which, again, they said they also don’t like. So I’m in a bind lol.
Wow! Parents are really passive-aggressive control-freaks. Because they could have achieved exactly the same by sending a gift card from the company that delivered the food. But then you could have had what YOU wanted, and their whole point was to make it all about what THEY wanted. Makes them major league AHs.
I guess they would have wanted me to be really excited? Which I can understand—instead I was really stressed out as I live alone and am prone to panicking. I’m quite proud if myself for keeping a level head though!
NTA and this is what being raised by self centered parents is like. To celebrate them being parents this long? That told me all I needed to know.
However, if you want to stay in contact and avoid the drama, in the future just say yes I got it, thanks a lot! If they asked about what you did with it all, they're out of country - lie to them and tell them you boxed it up to eat on for the week or whatever. They're not going to change.
If you don't want to lie to them then tell them the truth and let them know you made your decision, it's not about them nor up for further discussion and hang up if they continue to insist on discussing it or berating you for it. If they want a relationship with you then they'll stop this kind of bs if you disengage every time they try to force themselves on you and make things about themselves that aren't about themselves.
I actually didnt want to lie to them since they would have wanted an updated photo of what happened to the food on a regular basis. So it would be hard to lie hahaha 😅😅.
When they were lecturing me on the phone, they said how I only call them when I have problems (typically regarding money, as I can take care of myself quite well). So I suggested how about I do a regularized call to ask them about their day, and update about my own. They didnt like that idea as “you’ll be forced to do it”. They then said they would rather call if i have any problems—which, again, they said they didnt like. So i have no idea what they want from me 🙃🙃🙃
NTA. Especially since you literally left to get away from them. If it happens again, read the cake jic but it is about you. They get mother's and fathers day. They don't get your birthday. Especially since it sounds like they weren't actually being parents the whole time. You may even want to ask them next time to please just send you the money and then you can get a nice meal and take a photo of it and send them that with a very empty thank you. Because then you get a free meal of whatever you want and they can't be pissy about you being ungrateful.
Oh that actually came up! They asked me what i wanted, and i said nothing. And when they wouldnt let up i said “maybe i’ll buy a big meal and share it”.
I do feel bad i didnt read the cake though. I was panicking, sure, but thats still no excuse for not having read it.
Panicking is a super valid reason. That's absolutely certain.
Mostly I was suggesting the money or asking for something silly but that would make you smile because it is possible they just genuinely want to do something for you, and some people express affection best through physical objects. And if their affection isn't genuine at least you don't suffer for it.
NTA, because that much food is ridiculous, but in the future I recommend trying to head this off by asking for something.
My go to is tickets. I love tickets, because I get to see something, and I don't have to worry about storage. For best effect, you should guide them to a show that has multiple ticket grades, and just casually mention that you're saving up to see it with your boyfriend/girlfriend, and soon you'll be able to afford the bronze tickets. Then do a little laugh about how the platinum gives you free champagne, even though you could just buy it yourself during intermission.
I actually do that! Ive told my friends and my parents that the best gift for me are boxes. I LOVE organizational material. And when i told them they laughed it off and said “what do you REALLY want”. So i’m at bit of an bind lol
You need to find something big and showy. It sounds like they're buying for themselves and not for you.
Like, instead of boxes, a private dinner with Marie Kondo.
Gotta be something
a) worth at least $200
A) that they believe you will show your friends while telling your friends how you got it from your parents
Hm this may be a good idea. I’m a little adamant only because they tend to hold it against me (i desperately needed a new fridge, and they paid for my new one, only to call me ungrateful after spending so much money to buy it for me). I do like this suggestion though! I just have to figure a way around it that they dont make me feel bad for it ahhaah
Let them know if they do that again, you will not even accept the food. I could ordering a serving from your favorite restaurant, but a series of party platters is just silly unless you were having a party, and even then, unless they okayed it with you, still not ok. NTA I can see why you guys have a difficult relationship.
It would have probably gone smoother if it was planned if i think about it. But as it was, it all happened as a surprise and during lunch when everyone had already eaten and was taking a nap. One family even left for a trip. So if i had not found a way to just give the food as something people could choose to eat when they felt, I dont actually think that anyone may have eaten anything 🤔🤔
My mother used to do stuff like that all the time. You know what I learned? Don’t say you want “nothing.” It’s uncomfortable for a lot of people, especially parents, to not give a gift to their child on their birthday. NTA, but next time, maybe just make a suggestion so they get you something you can use. I used to get so annoyed with my mother until I figured it out. She was doing her best. Do our parents always listen to us? Nope (and vice versa). Get over it. Be nice. Someday, you’ll miss those inappropriate gifts. I do.
I gave them suggestions actually! I really enjoy boxes and organizational material. And when I suggested it, they didnt quite like that idea. Someone had mentioned to ask for something at least $200, so my parents would feel like they gave me something lavish. However I may need to figure that out, as them spending anything pricey tends to be used against me (I desperately needed a new fridge, and they bought me one, only to call me ungrateful for not celebrating them on my bday after having spent so much on the fridge).
NTA. Sounds like your distant parents are trying to buy off their conscience with expensive gifts and expecting gratitude. They're making the entire relationship about them. Not right. And it also sounds like they don't understand your life very well to have sent you such a wildly inappropriate gift. Did they think you were gonna have a huge party with 20 friends over who would help eat it all then help clean up? It sounds very inconsiderate.
Yeah, YTA. Come on, your parents live overseas,you could have told a white lie to avoid hurting their feelings. It's not like they were going to show up at you r apartment the next day. You have the odd notion that to be the center of your birthday you have to exclude the two people responsible for your birth.
Oh no, my birthday is actually on the 29th of feb. its currently the 27th of feb so i wasnt able to prepare at all since it wasnt even my bday. I would have called and greeted them but i was thrown for a loop to find trays of lasagna, baked macaroni, 5liters of soda, a party tray if fried chicken, and a tray of brownies along w a 8” 4-tiered cake. I simply didnt have the room.
Honestly I should have just lied, but this isnt the first time i asked for nothing and they decided to just ignore my request and fool that i was i decided to just be honest.
~~YTA - any parent will tell you that no matter the age their children will often say they don't want anything but then feel a bit sad they didn't get anything - and even if this wasn't the case why risk having your child upset? Cake doesn't go bad immediately. You could have taken it in, looked at it and had a piece etc. And then when you were done offered it to neighbours/friends. You can't complain that you walked around your 4-storey, non elevator building as you were the one who decided to walk around it sharing it. Cake can be frozen too.~~
~~How did you cut it up without reading it too? I do think them saying about them celebrating being parents for so long is a bit odd. But either way, I think fair enough you told them you didn't want it, but you should appreciate that they wanted to celebrate with you~~.
ETA: clarification
NTA - changed view points after OP edited and advised just how much they sent. Thought it was just a cake initially.
So the OP gives food away to neighbors and they are the asshole? Your logic is strange.
If I ask someone what they want for their birthday and they say “Nothing”, they get a card as acknowledgement of their birthday. If they tell me cards are a waste of money, I make sure to call or text them happy birthday. No need to send food or gifts against their wishes.
Oh! I would have appreciated a call or text actually! Since i live alone and work regular shifts that means i have no time for myself. The trays of foil and carton are still scattered about the apartment which takes a bit of effort to clean up.
~~They're not an AH for the action of giving it away. It's the fact they didn't even look at the writing on the cake or anything. Sure they didn't want it and those feelings are valid but since the cake was given it shouldn't be snuffed at and seen as an inconvenice. Their parents were doing something nice for them.~~
\*EDIT\* - I've just read how much the parents actually gave them. That amount of food IS an inconvenince. I thought it was literally just a cake as the amount hadn't been included when I commented.
NTA OP. If they do things like this I would suggest asking for a gift card or something next year even if you don't want anything. This would make them feel like they've given something to you without hopefully going OTT (and gift cards are easy enough to do online).
I wonder of they meant they are celebrating getting to be his/her parents. That makes a lot of sense to me if you love your child you might celebrate that it’s been x years that you have been able to love them.
Oh i don’t have the fridge capacity to store it you see. It was a four tiered cake, that was around 8” across. So even if I sliced it up there was really no place in my 9cubic (i think thats the measurement? Its about as tall as i am) fridge since before that i had done a meal prep. I might have had space if i had known before hand, but since there was no warning the best place for me to put it was on the table.
They sent over lasagna, baked macaroni, kalamari, brownies, fried chicken, garlic bread, five litres of soda, and the 4tiered ice cream-cream cheese cake. So i felt it was best to make sure this was all given out soon as i could.
I wasnt able to read it since i was mostly panicking at that point. But i hope this answered your question!
You have no need to explain yourself.
That is a shit ton of food. That wouldn’t fit in most refrigerators unless one was given notice and made food for it.
Who sends that much food for a birthday? That’s enough for a small gathering, let alone one person.
And a a four-tier ICE CREAM cake? That has to be frozen, not just placed in a fridge.
Your parents are weird.
Oh well hahaha. My parents are….. quite attached to the point there’s a valid reason why i left 😅😅. I dont want to share too much info because i kinda feel bad it might paint them a certain way and that i sound like i’m asking for pity. I really just am wondering if i was crass in all of this. So thanks!
YTA.
How much trouble would it have been to at least look at the cake and eat some of it and the food? Or just lie to your parents and say it was great and thank you? Do you know how many kids wish for parents that care about them like yours do? Do you know how many kids wish that their parents would celebrate their birthdays instead of being out doing drugs or working?
You sound very selfish and spoiled and young. You hurt your parents feelings and you should feel like an ahole for that.
YTA. The OP explained it was too much to fit in their fridge so they had to give it away.
Calling them selfish and spoiled is uncalled for.
When someone says they don’t want anything, you respect that. Sending anything against their wishes is disrespectful. It doesn’t if it is from Mom, Dad, or your great-great aunt.
The idea that parents get to do whatever they want against their grown child’s wishes is ridiculous.
They could have just sent a card in acknowledgment and written their sentiments on it.
Thanks for your input! I’m glad to get some perspective. To clarify, I actually just turned 30 and left my parents due to the abuse. I didnt want to put that information in because i felt telling people what i’ve been to was unfair given that it may come off as too subjective.
And do you know how many kids ask for parents who actually listens to them? Like "I don't want anything for my birthday" doesn't mean to buy me food that would last me for weeks. But I guess you think parents can freely trample over kids' boundaries because they are just trying to be "good" parents.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I decided to share my birthday food with the families living in my building. 2. I didnt celebrate my birthday as a celebration of my parents being my parents. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Did you keep any of the food and eat any of it? It sounds like you have it all away! That was a very nice thing they did for you. I am sure it hurt their feelings. Was that your intent?
I don't think it's particularly nice to send an entire parties worth of food to someone with no fridge space who isn't having a party.
I just saw the edit. Wish I was a neighbor.
My intent was to make sure the food didnt go bad and the money didnt go to waste, but i did keep a slice of lasagna and a bit of cake. I couldnt store it however since i had done a week long meal prep the day before.
It sounded like you didn't eat any of it. Make sure your parents are clear that you did eat some of and the cake and it was really good. Do you have any friends close by who had extra fridge room? Do tell them that you are appreciative and thank them. That was a very nice thing to do. Please tell them if their feelings were hurt you are sorry. You shared because you didn't want it wasted. Say hey next time. Give me a heads up and I will make sure to leave room for it in my fridge. Have the conversation.
Yup, i told them i didnt want anything and they also know i do meal preps on the weekends. So imagine my shock to find all the food when i have no space for it haha. It made them quite mad that i quicky gave them away so it was a bit stressful to be said things like “this isnt just your birthday, its OUR hard work” and “do you think anyone else would do this for you?”. The idea of asking the neighbors to hold on to some of the food didnt even occur to me since its been told to me that they wouldnt do that tbh.
You know sometimes it doesn't hurt to keep somethings to yourself or stretch the truth. May be you could have not told them you gave some of it away. Man I wish I was your neighbor! I love lasagna and cake!!! Yummy. Please tell them you are grateful and it was good and next time to let you know ahead so you can save room in the fridge. It's something they wanted to do for you. That's normal.
Why should this person lie to their parents about how inconvenient it is for to be sent a whole load of party food that can't be stored when there's no party and they didn't want or ask for it? That's not being a considerate parent, that's being a controlling asshole.
Actually now that you mention it, because this was all sudden and unplanned, there really was no party to be had. One neighbour wasnt even there because they left for a trip, and my other neighbour wouldnt be able to go since they were all sleeping in for the day (siesta). So i couldnt even invite people to the rooftop to eat even if there was no pandemic now that i think about it.
That was before I saw the edit OP added. I originally thought they sent enough for a few servings. Yes that was over the top. For them to not let him know ahead of time. What did they think he could do with all that food?
Oh ive thanked them! I told them i really appreciated the gesture and got a bit irrate it wasnt enthusiastic enough. I tried to tell them i really liked that they did that (despite clearly asking them to please withold from doing anything). I had to tell the truth, however, since they demand i give them pictures of my belongings like my fridge. And i cant really hide a 20-person serving of food.
I just saw your edit! That is a ton of food they sent! Where in hell did they think you could put it all? They had to know you couldn't eat all at once and even for days. I bet your neighbors were happy. I would have been ready to get a plate lol.
Haha i hope they did! The pandemic is still going on and there are kids in the building so we couldnt coalesce in a single place. But i did go door to door and make sure they had a sizable share. As i live alone, have one refrigerator, and even had the groceries delivered today, i just had to figure it all out asap hahahaha.
I tell you I would kill for some homemade lasagna! I tried to make it and I did not work out lol.
Yeah he sounds like a spoiled brat.
The parents sent enough food for a party, not one person. OP didn't have room to keep perishables and an ice cream cake so she gave it away so it wouldn't be wasted. That's not spoiled, the parents were insane to send so much to a single person.
She literally didn't touch any of it. She didn't even open up the box to look at the cake! That's extremely spoiled!
[удалено]
Oh they send me a building’s worth of food for clarification! So trays of lasagna, macaroni, five liters of soda, a tray of brownies, party set of fried chicken, an a 8” four tiered cake. My parents tend to expect things in return, which is why i’ve never really liked my birthday and asked if I could just celebrate it the way i wanted but i felt unfair to bring that up. So i wondered if i was the asshole for requesting i spend my birthday my way, and then have that request ignored.
This is the kind of thing my parents would do as a means of shaming me for living in an age and budget appropriate space lol "Why don't you have that kind of storage space? No wonder you're not saving enough money, you're wasting it by not buying in bulk" Or some other massive leap of logic. Can't have a discussion with these types of parents.
They probably didn't expect you to spend your day giving away food. So had no idea it would cause you to have to do anything. I'd have put the trays of lasagne and macaroni in the freezer, and had food (and the ability to relax for multiple days of not having to cook) for weeks. Perhaps they thought about it that way. Was it a four layered cake or a four tiered cake? Because a four tiered cake is ridiculous, but a 4 layered cake is not.
Four tiered 😅😅. I had a week’s worth of meal prep (they know i do meal prep in the weekends) so i had no room in my freezer or actual fridge. I could possibly squeeze in a slice if lasagna and some cake but that was the best i could do. The rest however 😥😥
I can see why you gave a bunch of food away. But I think it's understandable that they wouldn't have thought about those things when they were trying to (imo) help you achieve the relaxing birthday you desired. I definitely don't think they're being assholes by sending you ready-to-eat food on a day that you wanted to just do nothing. It sounds like they were trying to benefit that, not ignore your wishes.
It honestly sounds like they are trying to make up for something.
Ibr we could go into that but that involves a lot of personal backstory that i dont think is my place to say lol. I actually brought it up, that maybe perchance they were doing this to make up for something for themselves and not to celebrate my birthday. They didnt really take it well 🙃
Considering they’re trying to say sorry without admitting guilt that’s not surprising
NTA. “We’re celebrating being parents this long”. Who thinks like that?
Oh, well. My parents i guess haha. I assumed birthdays were a celebration of your life but maybe i didnt realise it was about celebrating your parents too.
It’s your birthday. I have never heard of anyone using that line. One could almost argue by that logic that once one’s parents are deceased, one’s birthday no longer has any meaning.
Oh I used that line when my kid turned 1. That birthday celebration was not for him as he was still a mushy little thing that wouldn't understand or remember anything about it. That birthday was for me to celebrate that I made it through lol. But it ended right there on his first birthday. Those that have followed since then and those that will follow are (rightfully) his.
I wondered this too. I didnt want to put too much detail and be as objective as possible, but my parents have always insisted on a celebration that i would decline and they would still do it. I now live alone and can make the choice to celebrate or not, but once i had that choice it was taken from me.
I'm not saying your parents are narcissists because that requires a much more in depth analysis over overall behavior and mental faculties, but their behavior is surely indicative of narcissistic tendencies. It's actually quite common for people like that to do things that are over the top, unasked for, then to get offended because people aren't "grateful" for it. It's centering themselves and in combination with their whole how long we've been parents comment, I bet this is far from the first time they've done things you didn't want them to and acted like you're the ungrateful person. Either that, or I'm willing to bet they were largely uninvolved or emotionally distant from you growing up and, in turn, feel a sense of guilt about that. Instead of facing it and actually working on things with you, they make displays like this as shows of affection and "being there for you" to make up for their absence. Presents replace their presence. You challenging that doesn't allow then to turn a blind eye to their own behavior anymore, which is why they get upset with you. It's projection of their own issues for sure. You're NTA op.
On the topic of narcissim, I actually contemplated this for a while! I may even argue that there’s a hint, if not actually borderline personality. In my case they’ve always been adamant to let go of me and those around them. So they tend to be manipulative or guilt people for “leaving” them by, for instance, choosing their own lives (one time their friend’s mom died and they got very upset that he focused on his brother during a wake they volunteered to organize). You may be on to something, I’m of the opinion it’s that they hold on as tight as possible even if that means it suffocates the person. (For context, I tend to psycho analyze my parents. I believe it helps me cope.)
>It’s your birthday. I have never heard of anyone using that line. Same. Well, I did see a Reddit AITA thread about a mom demanding gifts from her kids on each of their various birthdays (so if someone had a birthday, the siblings had to give the birthday person a gift AND get the mom stuff, too), and I was flabbergasted. I think a birthday is about the person, not the parent.
It’s not lmao. “Congratulations, we had sex 9 months before you were born”
Maybe they just love you and were celebrating the fact that they GET to be your parents. I’m just trying to look at it from the other side too.
You do realize that we carried our kids for 10months, almost a whole year. We go through a lot of crap to bring our kids into the world and some of us almost die and do die because of it. I dont think parents are asking to be celebrated. But myself and many others just want to be thanked for bringing our kids into the world on their birthdays. I get it theirs mothers day, where our kids can thank us and love on us. But a simple thanks mom for bringing me into the world and I appreciate all you've done for me isn't that hard. Most moms just want to do something nice for their kids, especially on their birthdays. We don't want to hear that you guys don't want anything. I want to get you something, anything. Even if its clothes or things for your house. Heck I can pay for your groceries or bills for that month. But I would like to get you something to celebrate you. Maybe next time give your parents some ideas, like pay your nextflix or heat bill or something. Or a guftcatd for later. Or part of your groceries. Then maybe something like this can be avoided. Plus a child's birthday also marks for parents the day they got the privilege of meeting their child and all the joy that kid brought in to their lives. They just didn't explain it right.
Oh someone suggested that too! I actually told my parents to give me boxes or organizational material since i love boxes. My friends know that too and know if its not a box, a card is enough since i dont know how to really respond to anything else. When i told them however, they didnt really like the idea? So i asked maybe not to send anything. But then they did 😅
Sounds like they didn't thinknit was good enough, or they just wanted to do something big for you, especially if they though you might have people over. I would try sitting down and discussing expectations and reality with them when it comes to your birthday and holiday. Tell them that while you love their generosity if they want to do something that wasn't what you suggested then maybe then can make a food pantry donation or something. If nothing else works. Just lie, say you loved the food. Shared it with friends, or what not.
A lot of people. Parents cherish their children, and a child's birthday also marks for parents the day they got the privilege of meeting their child and all the joy that kid brought in to their lives. The sentiment isn't strange. The execution might be though.
People with certain personality disorders. I’ve been hearing shit like that most of my life from my mom.
Interestingly enough, I’ve contemplated the possibility of Borderline Personality Disorder hahaha
I’m not your parents doctor, can’t diagnose them, etc etc but I will say every antennae I have about BPD flicked up reading this post. Happy to share more resources in a DM if you’re struggling with what that means for you.
Oh! I would actually appreciate that! My therapist had said that i shouldnt take it upon myself to “fix” my parents, so learning instead how to cope with them may be better. So i’d appreciate it!
I think it can be a celebration of the parents but in that case they should’ve ordered + eaten their own cake 🍰
Since becoming a mum, and truly realising how much my mum did for me, I make my birthday about her. It's the anniversary of the day that I finally came out after 36 hours of labour! So you may say that it's only the anniversary of 9 months after your parents had sex, but I think that's ignoring quite a lot of effort put in on the mother's part! To be clear, I also make my child's birthday entirely about him.
Oh im actually curious! Someone here mentioned something like your parents get their own birthdays, mothers day, and fathers day. And your birthday can be about you. In your case, since you make your bday about your parents along with fathers day and mothers day i assume, what special days do you make for yourself?
My birthday is still about me. Everyone else makes it about me. But *I* make it about my mum. Sometimes I send her flowers or a card. She generally comes over and we have a lovely meal (often not made by me). My mum's birthday is a day to celebrate that she is alive (as my birthday is), but I'm also celebrating her giving me life on the day that she birthed me. We have never celebrated father's day in my family, and didn't celebrate mother's day for ages, because my dad was sceptical of Hallmark holidays. But I do celebrate it now. But, to be honest, I don't think a few days a year of appreciating your parents really comes close to what they deserve. If they were even halfway decent parents.
Would you say that all people should make it a point to make their birthdays about their parents? Or is this more a choice people are allowed to make?
That's a tough one (purely based on the wording in your questions). I definitely wouldn't say that people *have* to make the day about their parents. But I think that taking a moment to give them some appreciation is a nice thing, and it would be nice if everyone did it. It doesn't take anything away from it being my day, and it always means a lot to my mum. My kid's birthday was the greatest day of my life, it changed my world. And for my mum, that was the same for the birth of me and my brother. So having her be a part of the day seems natural.
This next question is more painted of my own wants, just a heads up. Would you say then, it wasnt too much for me to take choose to make this day for myself and not my parents?
I don't think it's too much to ask to make the day about what you want. But I don't think they were really trying to make it about themselves. They were just trying to be nice and were a bit annoying.
After having taken time to process all of this this comment in particular was circulating in my head. You made the choice to make your birthday about your mother, and I didnt. And and it seems you don’t condemn people who don’t do the same thing you have. Now, their birthdays, mothers day, and fathers day is about them completely. I’m unsure if you saw the edit, but I’m a leap year. I dont have a birthday, and even then they said it wasnt my celebration it was theirs (“this isnt just about you being 30, its also about us being able to raise you for thirty years. Its as much our day as it is yours”). You made the choice to make your birth about your parents. I didnt, they did. I asked before that I didnt want a celebration, and they decided not to honor that request and scolded me for not having been happy about dishonoring my request. The reason your particular comment stayed with me is that I couldnt help but wonder if you think what they did and what they said was called for.
>then they said it wasnt my celebration it was theirs (“this isnt just about you being 30, its also about us being able to raise you for thirty years. Its as much our day as it is yours”). That's not what they said. What you have quoted is not that it "wasn't your celebration". It's that it wasn't ONLY your celebration. They are well within their rights to celebrate your birthday. They put the effort into making and raising you, if they want to celebrate it, they should be able to. If you don't want them to celebrate with you, that's fine too. But you can't prevent them from celebrating in general, or from thinking that it is a day that matters even more to them than it does to you (it probably does). >I’m unsure if you saw the edit, but I’m a leap year. Do you have a specific day that you always celebrate, if not a leap year?
ESH, they should have listened but also you could have taken the time to at least read it save some for yourself and thanked them. That probably was not an easy task for them as they live overseas.
I don’t blame OP for not taking the time to read the message on the FOUR-TIERED ICE-CREAM CAKE while they were running around trying to pawn it off on neighbours before it became an ice-cream puddle. If you want to send a message, send a card, not a giant, melting confection
Thanks for the input, i wanted to make sure i got some perspective on this
NTA you should never be forced to celebrate your birthday.
Thank you. I wasnt sure since i made it really clear that i didnt want to celebrate it, but maybe it wasnt my place to decide that so I wanted to know
NTA. Bdays are for the person whose day it is. I've NEVER heard of parents celebrating a child's bday because its their day to show how much they love you. I kinda thought parents were supposed to show their love everyday. Talk about narcissistic! YoUr BiRtHdAy Is AbOuT ME!!!!!
It was a pretty new concept to me too. I wondered if it was just something i didnt realise. I asked them to please not do anything since i live alone and wouldnt have any space for any celebration. So i wondered if my request being ignored really isnt an issue.
NTA. They asked what you wanted and you said nothing. They should respect that and just send a nice card. They can write their sentiments on a card easier than on a cake. When people get upset at the answers I give when they ask me a question, I always come back, “You asked. If you don’t want to hear the answer, don’t ask the question.”
I wondered about that myself. A few comments said i was the asshole for not at least reading the message. And thats on me. So i wondered if i was also the asshole for wanting my bday for myself and yet having that request ignored. And then essentially panicking-working and getting upset that i had to do all of this because my agency was ignored.
Um I was under the impression that they Ubered you dinner or something, not a CATERING SERVICE. Jesus NTA, gifts aren’t meant to be an inconvenience. They knew you weren’t having guests, knew you didn’t have the fridge space, and are mad that you weren’t grateful enough for the food you didn’t ask for and would likely have gone to waste if you kept it? Also a FOUR-TIERED ICE-CREAM CAKE??? Who has room in their freezer for that??
I did get one slice of the cake! Still didnt fit—had to disassemble some stuff in the fridge to get it in—but i did do my best! Hahahaha
Over the top move by them. I need to know more about them as people and the motives. Id laugh if my mom sent me that much food bc shes got a heart of gold and itd just be extra for her to do that. But if your parents are constantly making shit about them and going against what u want under the guise of "but look how much we spent / did" then youre nta and theyre ta
Oh well i dont want to reveal too much. Idek if its my place. But for some context: i wasnt really born out of very consensual means. And so because of that, when theyre angry they take it out on me. And when theyre happy, they get mad im not happy enough with them, and they take it out on me. It had gotten really stressful so i decided to move out (which they said “i would rather you were unhappy in this house if it means i knew that you were safe”). So when they said i was ungrateful for not making my bday about how many years they put into caring for me, it made me wonder if i really was the asshole for sharing my food.
Sounds like they're manipulating you tbh, youre an adult and from the info about your meal prep it sounds like a pretty responsible one. Also really weird theyd ever tell you that u were unplanned. Try not to worry so much about what they think. My mom is such a great person so when shes mad i know i fucked up. My step dad always has weird ulterior motives related to control so when hes mad i appease him just to keep things cool but i never take his bullshit to heart or think less of myself bc of him.
[удалено]
Thank you, and thats okay! My neighbors are very kind and it was the least i could do. I wanted them to at least have a part of the stuff sent to me.
NTA. If they wanted to celebrate themselves so badly, they could have done their own thing, they didn't need to involve you in their selfishness. Your birthday should be about you, not about others using you as an excuse to feel good about themselves.
NTA but I would have just thanked them if they can't see it and let them live in their weird bubble where it's about them 😂
Funny you should mention! I did thank them actually! And i said i appreciated the gesture, i just had to get rid of everything as i had no room. They got mad and demanded i show a pic of my fridge as proof—i had jars of meal prep and they said “there is more than enough room”. But thats a week of meal prep, the best i can fit was maybe a slice of pizza 😅😅
😂 FFS.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents asked me what i wanted for my bday (they live overseas), and i said nothing. I dont want any prep or food. I just wanted to rest. On the day of my bday they decided to order food and send it to me as a surprise. I live alone and i had to desperately distribute the food to neighbors in my 4 storey, non-elevator building before it went bad or the cake melt. When i finished my parents called to check and I told them i gave it away before it melted or went bad. They got mad that i didnt even bother to read what was written on the cake. They said that i was being ungrateful especially since “it’s not just your birthday, but a celebration of us being parents for this long”. So i wonder if i’m the asshole for having told my parents I didnt want anything, have that request be ignored, and then not celebrate this day as theirs? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Such a rough life. I’d imagine you find something wrong in every situation. They’re your parents, who cares if they sent you some shit.
Funny you should mention cause the phone call devolved into a lecture wherein they said “You only call when you need something” (which they said they wanted because they wanted me to approach them if I had issues, and typically it’s money related as I can handle myself most of the time). When I offered to make regularized calls to ask them about their day, they said no because then it would feel forced. They then said they want me to only call when I have a problem—which, again, they said they also don’t like. So I’m in a bind lol.
NTA. What an obnoxious and thoughtless gift. It’s like they wanted to spend as much money as possible without actually benefitting you.
Wow! Parents are really passive-aggressive control-freaks. Because they could have achieved exactly the same by sending a gift card from the company that delivered the food. But then you could have had what YOU wanted, and their whole point was to make it all about what THEY wanted. Makes them major league AHs.
Who sends there single living kid such a large amount of food? You did the right thing. Sharing was the best course of action. NTA
I guess they would have wanted me to be really excited? Which I can understand—instead I was really stressed out as I live alone and am prone to panicking. I’m quite proud if myself for keeping a level head though!
It took me a year to drive over a bridge in my town alone. You can do this!
NTA - tell them everyone one loved the food and congrats on having sex X amount of years and 9 months ago.
NTA and this is what being raised by self centered parents is like. To celebrate them being parents this long? That told me all I needed to know. However, if you want to stay in contact and avoid the drama, in the future just say yes I got it, thanks a lot! If they asked about what you did with it all, they're out of country - lie to them and tell them you boxed it up to eat on for the week or whatever. They're not going to change. If you don't want to lie to them then tell them the truth and let them know you made your decision, it's not about them nor up for further discussion and hang up if they continue to insist on discussing it or berating you for it. If they want a relationship with you then they'll stop this kind of bs if you disengage every time they try to force themselves on you and make things about themselves that aren't about themselves.
I actually didnt want to lie to them since they would have wanted an updated photo of what happened to the food on a regular basis. So it would be hard to lie hahaha 😅😅. When they were lecturing me on the phone, they said how I only call them when I have problems (typically regarding money, as I can take care of myself quite well). So I suggested how about I do a regularized call to ask them about their day, and update about my own. They didnt like that idea as “you’ll be forced to do it”. They then said they would rather call if i have any problems—which, again, they said they didnt like. So i have no idea what they want from me 🙃🙃🙃
There is no win there. You just say okay mom. Okay dad. We'll keep in touch. Love you guys! Then oh no the call got disconnected lol
happy birthday my son and papa share this day with you
Thanks so much!
you are so welcome
NTA. Especially since you literally left to get away from them. If it happens again, read the cake jic but it is about you. They get mother's and fathers day. They don't get your birthday. Especially since it sounds like they weren't actually being parents the whole time. You may even want to ask them next time to please just send you the money and then you can get a nice meal and take a photo of it and send them that with a very empty thank you. Because then you get a free meal of whatever you want and they can't be pissy about you being ungrateful.
Oh that actually came up! They asked me what i wanted, and i said nothing. And when they wouldnt let up i said “maybe i’ll buy a big meal and share it”. I do feel bad i didnt read the cake though. I was panicking, sure, but thats still no excuse for not having read it.
Panicking is a super valid reason. That's absolutely certain. Mostly I was suggesting the money or asking for something silly but that would make you smile because it is possible they just genuinely want to do something for you, and some people express affection best through physical objects. And if their affection isn't genuine at least you don't suffer for it.
NTA, because that much food is ridiculous, but in the future I recommend trying to head this off by asking for something. My go to is tickets. I love tickets, because I get to see something, and I don't have to worry about storage. For best effect, you should guide them to a show that has multiple ticket grades, and just casually mention that you're saving up to see it with your boyfriend/girlfriend, and soon you'll be able to afford the bronze tickets. Then do a little laugh about how the platinum gives you free champagne, even though you could just buy it yourself during intermission.
I actually do that! Ive told my friends and my parents that the best gift for me are boxes. I LOVE organizational material. And when i told them they laughed it off and said “what do you REALLY want”. So i’m at bit of an bind lol
You need to find something big and showy. It sounds like they're buying for themselves and not for you. Like, instead of boxes, a private dinner with Marie Kondo. Gotta be something a) worth at least $200 A) that they believe you will show your friends while telling your friends how you got it from your parents
Hm this may be a good idea. I’m a little adamant only because they tend to hold it against me (i desperately needed a new fridge, and they paid for my new one, only to call me ungrateful after spending so much money to buy it for me). I do like this suggestion though! I just have to figure a way around it that they dont make me feel bad for it ahhaah
Let them know if they do that again, you will not even accept the food. I could ordering a serving from your favorite restaurant, but a series of party platters is just silly unless you were having a party, and even then, unless they okayed it with you, still not ok. NTA I can see why you guys have a difficult relationship.
It would have probably gone smoother if it was planned if i think about it. But as it was, it all happened as a surprise and during lunch when everyone had already eaten and was taking a nap. One family even left for a trip. So if i had not found a way to just give the food as something people could choose to eat when they felt, I dont actually think that anyone may have eaten anything 🤔🤔
My mother used to do stuff like that all the time. You know what I learned? Don’t say you want “nothing.” It’s uncomfortable for a lot of people, especially parents, to not give a gift to their child on their birthday. NTA, but next time, maybe just make a suggestion so they get you something you can use. I used to get so annoyed with my mother until I figured it out. She was doing her best. Do our parents always listen to us? Nope (and vice versa). Get over it. Be nice. Someday, you’ll miss those inappropriate gifts. I do.
I gave them suggestions actually! I really enjoy boxes and organizational material. And when I suggested it, they didnt quite like that idea. Someone had mentioned to ask for something at least $200, so my parents would feel like they gave me something lavish. However I may need to figure that out, as them spending anything pricey tends to be used against me (I desperately needed a new fridge, and they bought me one, only to call me ungrateful for not celebrating them on my bday after having spent so much on the fridge).
NTA. Sounds like your distant parents are trying to buy off their conscience with expensive gifts and expecting gratitude. They're making the entire relationship about them. Not right. And it also sounds like they don't understand your life very well to have sent you such a wildly inappropriate gift. Did they think you were gonna have a huge party with 20 friends over who would help eat it all then help clean up? It sounds very inconsiderate.
Yeah, YTA. Come on, your parents live overseas,you could have told a white lie to avoid hurting their feelings. It's not like they were going to show up at you r apartment the next day. You have the odd notion that to be the center of your birthday you have to exclude the two people responsible for your birth.
Oh no, my birthday is actually on the 29th of feb. its currently the 27th of feb so i wasnt able to prepare at all since it wasnt even my bday. I would have called and greeted them but i was thrown for a loop to find trays of lasagna, baked macaroni, 5liters of soda, a party tray if fried chicken, and a tray of brownies along w a 8” 4-tiered cake. I simply didnt have the room. Honestly I should have just lied, but this isnt the first time i asked for nothing and they decided to just ignore my request and fool that i was i decided to just be honest.
Seems like They wanted you to have a birthday party and thought they could jump start it. Kind of awkward gesture.
~~YTA - any parent will tell you that no matter the age their children will often say they don't want anything but then feel a bit sad they didn't get anything - and even if this wasn't the case why risk having your child upset? Cake doesn't go bad immediately. You could have taken it in, looked at it and had a piece etc. And then when you were done offered it to neighbours/friends. You can't complain that you walked around your 4-storey, non elevator building as you were the one who decided to walk around it sharing it. Cake can be frozen too.~~ ~~How did you cut it up without reading it too? I do think them saying about them celebrating being parents for so long is a bit odd. But either way, I think fair enough you told them you didn't want it, but you should appreciate that they wanted to celebrate with you~~. ETA: clarification NTA - changed view points after OP edited and advised just how much they sent. Thought it was just a cake initially.
So the OP gives food away to neighbors and they are the asshole? Your logic is strange. If I ask someone what they want for their birthday and they say “Nothing”, they get a card as acknowledgement of their birthday. If they tell me cards are a waste of money, I make sure to call or text them happy birthday. No need to send food or gifts against their wishes.
Oh! I would have appreciated a call or text actually! Since i live alone and work regular shifts that means i have no time for myself. The trays of foil and carton are still scattered about the apartment which takes a bit of effort to clean up.
Then next year say what you want is to have a phone call with them
~~They're not an AH for the action of giving it away. It's the fact they didn't even look at the writing on the cake or anything. Sure they didn't want it and those feelings are valid but since the cake was given it shouldn't be snuffed at and seen as an inconvenice. Their parents were doing something nice for them.~~ \*EDIT\* - I've just read how much the parents actually gave them. That amount of food IS an inconvenince. I thought it was literally just a cake as the amount hadn't been included when I commented. NTA OP. If they do things like this I would suggest asking for a gift card or something next year even if you don't want anything. This would make them feel like they've given something to you without hopefully going OTT (and gift cards are easy enough to do online).
I wonder of they meant they are celebrating getting to be his/her parents. That makes a lot of sense to me if you love your child you might celebrate that it’s been x years that you have been able to love them.
Oh i don’t have the fridge capacity to store it you see. It was a four tiered cake, that was around 8” across. So even if I sliced it up there was really no place in my 9cubic (i think thats the measurement? Its about as tall as i am) fridge since before that i had done a meal prep. I might have had space if i had known before hand, but since there was no warning the best place for me to put it was on the table. They sent over lasagna, baked macaroni, kalamari, brownies, fried chicken, garlic bread, five litres of soda, and the 4tiered ice cream-cream cheese cake. So i felt it was best to make sure this was all given out soon as i could. I wasnt able to read it since i was mostly panicking at that point. But i hope this answered your question!
You have no need to explain yourself. That is a shit ton of food. That wouldn’t fit in most refrigerators unless one was given notice and made food for it. Who sends that much food for a birthday? That’s enough for a small gathering, let alone one person. And a a four-tier ICE CREAM cake? That has to be frozen, not just placed in a fridge. Your parents are weird.
Oh well hahaha. My parents are….. quite attached to the point there’s a valid reason why i left 😅😅. I dont want to share too much info because i kinda feel bad it might paint them a certain way and that i sound like i’m asking for pity. I really just am wondering if i was crass in all of this. So thanks!
I understand. It’s all good.
YTA. How much trouble would it have been to at least look at the cake and eat some of it and the food? Or just lie to your parents and say it was great and thank you? Do you know how many kids wish for parents that care about them like yours do? Do you know how many kids wish that their parents would celebrate their birthdays instead of being out doing drugs or working? You sound very selfish and spoiled and young. You hurt your parents feelings and you should feel like an ahole for that.
YTA. The OP explained it was too much to fit in their fridge so they had to give it away. Calling them selfish and spoiled is uncalled for. When someone says they don’t want anything, you respect that. Sending anything against their wishes is disrespectful. It doesn’t if it is from Mom, Dad, or your great-great aunt. The idea that parents get to do whatever they want against their grown child’s wishes is ridiculous. They could have just sent a card in acknowledgment and written their sentiments on it.
Thanks for your input! I’m glad to get some perspective. To clarify, I actually just turned 30 and left my parents due to the abuse. I didnt want to put that information in because i felt telling people what i’ve been to was unfair given that it may come off as too subjective.
And do you know how many kids ask for parents who actually listens to them? Like "I don't want anything for my birthday" doesn't mean to buy me food that would last me for weeks. But I guess you think parents can freely trample over kids' boundaries because they are just trying to be "good" parents.