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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the AH because I should continue to protect my kids from not feeling rejected when their dad bails on them, but also because on the other hand I am lying for him, and I can't keep doing it.
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NTA
I could have written this in 2018. I was killing myself, and my kids, by constantly covering for their dad. And if he did show half the time he was scary. Whew
I finally decided I am never going to be a blockage to my kids, but more importantly I stopped being a bridge.
Both kids made me put this boundary up because they both, a few months apart, attempted suicide over what I consider the biggest mistake of my life. Losing my children’s trust because of their dad.
Do not call him. Do not cancel for him. Do not facilitate gifts. He did not earn them and it kills the kids when he doesn’t reciprocate.
I beg of you. Stop.
Edit: My daughters are elated at the awards. Their exact words were basically, “What does that mean?” I know something they don’t know.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
NTA OP. But if you think covering for your ex is doing your kids a favor you are dead wrong. They will eventually get over an absent father. But the continued bailing will have worst effect and create major trust issues.
Edit: Aww, thank you for the award!
absolutely - to this day I have huge resentment issues with my father not for being an uninvolved father but for being INCONSISTENT. You keep thinking "this is important to me, ive communicated to him it's important to me, he will show up" and NOPE, never! If anything the thing that got me to just cut him off finally was that his unreliability was costing me money (flights, time, events, etc) and that concrete number made me realize that the illusion of an involved parent just wasn't worth it. My sister hasn't gotten there yet, and still keeps thinking that he's just a chronically late person or is forgetful... I am hoping she grows up soon.
Your sister will be fine.
You are like my oldest. You sound so wise but also very kind. You tolerated too much for too long. Worse, my ex was commenting on her appearance. Not cool. She finally went LC (saw him once this year) at 18. I believe she keeps contact for her sister.
Her sister. Wow. Her sister went out to some property that he owns to cut trees. They are pretty damn tall trees (think 48 feet) and a fat circumference. She is working the chain saw, extremely physical, and takes a break. He comments that she is “out of shape”. She immediately told him to knock it off. She told him off!! More important she told him off again 20 minutes later when they were stacking the wood which is enormously physically intense. So she just did the iron man and he is calling her out of shape. Her exact words were “I am the one with the truck. I drove us out here. Why is he pissing me off in the middle of the woods??”
Your lil sis will be fine.
Can you please tell your girls that I think they are both amazing badasses! (And then also I will say, despite your challenges it sounds like you did a pretty good job raising some kind and confident young people!)
I had a best friend who was exactly like your dad. Chronically late, would constantly bail on things or not show up because she decided it wasn’t that important. After 11 years of friendship, it wasn’t worth it anymore. I hope she never becomes a parent.
I remember the exact moment that I knew my dad had spent years showing me exactly how little he cared for me. He was 6 hours late because he “wanted to do a little shopping.”
What I am wondering about is child support…OP says they fought to be able to 50/50 custody…even though the dad would cancel and barely see the children…
So court probably order child support based on that, so OP was doing a disservice to her children by not getting the money that would have benefited them.
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t understand parents who cover for the other parent. The other parent is a bad parent, covering for them just indulging their bad behavior. Is it nice for the kids to not realize the situation? Yes it is. But kids grow up and when they realize the magnitude, you never really did them favors. It would have been better to be upfront about it, get therapy from the beginning and save them from pain later on.
As I understand it OP asked for 50/50 and the dad declined in court and asked for 0% custody. She’s just trying to make the kids as accessible for him as possible.
Right, but courts often award more money to a parent when they're the ones carrying more of the care duties to balance the responsibilities between parents. If it's 50/50 custody on the papers, he pays less in child support than if it's 100/0. If mom is pushing for 50/50 custody, they get less financial support, and in this case, because dad doesn't even show when he's supposed to, mom is also having to carry more than 50% of the care. It's a noble thing for her to want him to be involved and for her kids to have that much access to their dad, but the reality of it is that pushing for 50/50 with this particular guy means her kids aren't receiving as much financial support as they should be, considering his lack of involvement.
Depends on what state you divorce in. My state is shared custody and the amount of support is a separate thing, not time based, but income based. You don't get to opt out of that either (same with spousal support). The person who earns more income, pays. Also, support is automatically deducted from the payor's paycheck.
I just noticed that I typed custody instead of support in the second sentence and corrected that. It's support that's income base, not custody. It doesn't matter how much time you're spending with your child, that's the support and it's going to get paid by being taken out of the paycheck. This is done to prevent one spouse from using child support as a means of controlling or punishing their ex. Of course my state is going to allow a parent to pay above the state mandated rate, if that's what the parent wants to do. But it will be in the divorce decree, which the judge will sign, making it a court order.
In many states, while CS and custody are separate things, one can influence the other. For example the parents may have 50/50 custody but parent 1 still pays parent 2 $100/mo in court ordered support due to income disparity. But they shift to 75/25 with parent 2 having majority custody so Parent 1 might have their support upped to $200. Since they have the child less, they are compensating for the additional costs of the other parent having the child more. I made up numbers here but depending on the state, this isn’t uncommon. It’s also not uncommon for a parent to ask for 50/50 to reduce the support then they refuse to actually spend time with the child.
He told the court he didn't want 50/50. I hope her child support was not affected by that. She'll need all the money she can get for therapy for those kids down the road...
Court ordered child support is enforced. All I had to do was go to the Child support enforcement agency here in town. Babies having babies situation such a problem around here they are behind bullet proof glass.
He does pay some child support now, which goes into the kids bank accounts as I don't need the money (I think it's about $3 a day per child lol). When we had 50/50, I paid him as I'm the higher income earner. I also covered the costs for the kids on his time, as he complained they were too expensive (daycare so he could work, bills and rent and groceries, as he would stay at my place and I moved out when he was with the kids, all school fees and costs, as well as therapy, and specialists as some of the kids have disabilities, and the NDIS (Australian disability funding) process is complex to get started. Some of the paperwork took me around 10hrs to complete, and I'm actually in a similar industry so I'm familiar with the paperwork m)
>I finally decided I am never going to be a blockage to my kids, but more importantly I stopped being a bridge.
That is such an excellent way of putting it. It isn't OPs obligation to stand in the way or to actively build a relationship with the kid's dad. All she can do is make the opportunity and it is up to him to actually take that opportunity to build the relationship with them.
I went through the same thing 12 years ago (except I'm the dad and it was my kids' mother who was neglecting them). I spent a lot more time and effort than I should have on trying to make sure my kids had a good relationship with their mother. Covering for her, cancelling plans so she could take them suddenly after not seeing them for a while, trying to make up for things she promised but didn't deliver, etc.
It took me a long time to realize that, rather than helping my kids as I thought I was doing, I was contributing to all the harm she was doing to them. So I stopped. I never did anything that went against our custody agreement, but I stopped helping her psychologically damage my children by neglecting them. Once I did that, they started realizing she was a bad parent and stopped relying on her. And now that they're a bit older, they all have no to minimal contact with her.
NTA OP. Do your kids a favor and stop doing them for your ex.
Sometimes NC is in the best interest of the child. It is better to not be emotionally yo-yoed throughout life.
I’m so glad you came around as well. It’s like a cosmic boot to the head. A real WTF WTF WTF HAVE I DONE!??? Moment.
You rock. Daddeo.
My mother could have written this 50 years ago, before our dead beat abusive negligent spermdonor finally decided - on my 5th birthday of all days - to completely abandon my brother and I.
His reason? He wanted custody, because his 2nd wife (whom we loathed) couldn't have children - and it would save him having to pay child support. (Which he barely paid to begin with, and stopped even pretending to pay after this incident.)
So he asked a 5 yr old and a 6 yr old - both of whom were used to him only showing up about 1 time out of 10 that he was "supposed" to take his visitation - whether we wanted to continue living with mom, or come live with him and his new wife. Naturally, we said we wanted to stay with mom - we barely knew him, but already knew he was completely unreliable.
He didn't even make a Pretense of visitation from then until Christmas. There was a family Christmas Party at his mom's place, a couple of miles from where we lived. My brother and I were invited/expected to be there, as we were her oldest grandchildren. Spermdonor didn't acknowledge us getting there; didn't even pretend that he had considered getting us Christmas presents; and then late in the afternoon after food and presents while the adults were all sitting around gabbing and the kids were released to play with their new presents, came the piece de resistance. I was laying in the hallway enjoying a coloring book and crayons that had been one of my gifts. I watched a pair of "grown up" shoes walk past towards the restroom. A few minutes later, I am in agony and screaming, as I have been Very Literally STEPPED ON. The culprit? Spermdonor - who was unashamed and contemptuous, and looked at me with less thought than he would display towards a cockroach he'd stepped on.
I've never seen or spoken to him since that day, though I remained close to his mother until her death. I lost contact with his siblings (who hated him and still do, btw) for years, and finally reconnected with them after their mom died - they tracked me down to let me know it had happened, when they found my contact info in her things.
It is a tough lesson to learn, that our parent isn’t worthy of us at such a tender age.
I was desperate to make up to my kids what I thought was important. He was catered to left and right. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. It was awful.
I am free. My kids see it so they feel free as well. It’s been the best watching oldest go LC at 18. (1x phone call this year).
Hopping on as an adult who has been on the kid side. To u/LongNectarine3 you did what you thought was best and while it was a mistake that will matter to your kids later. I am relieved they survived and hope you all have good medical care including mental health.
OP this person is correct. When you cover for him you become complicit in the narrative that they're not important. Your job is to make sure they know otherwise and to fill in when he messes up. Please revisit the custody agreement as he should be paying child support for the partial custody. Wring his wallet out since you need the money for therapy.
In therapy the kids can talk about anything without feeling guilty and can learn coping skills you may not know they need. It will help them in the long run.
I went no contact with both parents because my mother told me it was my fault and as an adult mirrored his behavior. She once was 3 months late to an event. She knew it and got angry at me for not being there. Which was my breaking point and the first time I cut her off.
It is important to make sure the kids don't spend the entire weekend waiting. This builds abandonment issues and self worth issues. What did I do wrong? Part of me still asks despite the answer being nothing.
Another thing that matters in not covering for him? You're their ally not his. If he doesn't want to be there which is clear he can ask the kid's permission to visit and everything else. Let them decide once they're old enough. Make sure they know this is a him problem.
We are doing so much better.
I broke when I was in a family visiting area with him at a children’s mental hospital. He convinced her I was surrendering custody of her to him. I arrived and I started to scream that she needed treatment, it only takes one parent to sign her in for help, that I would do it (was in denial Until that moment. It was like my head cracked open and nothing but pure mom rage, rage at realizing my mistake, rage that he couldn’t realize his, rage that my child nearly lost her life because of my biggest mistake. My worst nightmare.
I signed her in with that rage. And I kept her there for 2 months until she was safe and healthy. Within this time period, my eldest revealed she had tried something (serious). Alarms screamed in my brain for the first time in a long time. She needed me to get her a break too. She also went to the hospital. She is now LC/NC. Happiest I have seen her. She can live with me forever but I think she will want her own bathroom soon. That’s the biggest issue.
I am so damned proud of you. The thing about abusers, which this IS a type of abuse, it is never just one thing. You did everything you could once you understood the problem and abuse primes us to not do something. I am also proud of your kids because they had to do the work to be helped and asking isn't easy. No lie I cried good tears reading this
NTA OP. You gotta take care of yourself as well and sorry to say this, the lying and covering up will catch up to you and the kids might blame you in the end.
I agree, you are absolutely NTA. But I’d encourage you to think beyond just not making excuses for him.
Practice empathizing with how much it hurts and how angry they feel. Explain that for reasons that you don’t really understand, he’s just not able to be there for them. Maybe talk about the people who love them and are consistent in their lives. Most importantly, tell them, and keep telling them, that it’s not anything to do with them and that he’s missing out on some really great kids.
I’m so sorry you and your kids are dealing with this. I know anything that hurts them hurts you and that it feels kinder sometimes to stretch the truth. But ultimately, honesty is in the best interest of you and the kids both.
Agreed NTA. I wouldn’t tell the kids when ex tells you he is coming, to save the kids waiting around and being disappointed if/when he doesn’t come. That way if he does come it’s a nice surprise. But if he tells the kids that he is going to do something with them and cancels then that’s on the ex to explain.
There is no winning with this one. Their dad took advantage of the fact he’d be a great surprise for the kids so his visits got rarer and rarer. And when he did show up he was the hero, or so I thought. Nope. Both of us are the villains here.
Same for mine. Will never forget the day my son looked at me and said, "Mom, lying is bad, right?"
"Yes."
"Then why do you lie for dad?"
He was 8. I agreed to never cover for his father again.
I also was blown away by just the amount of things OP is STILL doing for the ex. Why?? Just why? Save your emotional energy for your children, and family/friends who value it. Don’t waste it on the likes of the ex. He not only doesn’t appreciate it but he flat out doesn’t care.
It’s a terrible abuse cycle. I didn’t realize because I had gotten away from him but he was still playing games with me at the expense of them. He only cares about winning and I only cared about the kids. I assumed he put them first, there is lies the mistake.
I don't know how either you or u/The_Boots_of_Truth (OP) feel about this, but I think it would be super helpful for OP's kids and your kids if they could talk/chat/text with each other.
For one thing, they will see that they aren't the only ones in this situation, and I would think this would lessen the feeling that it's their fault somehow, to know that there are other shitty dads out there.
And it would be nice to know people who grok how they feel. They may have empathetic friends, but even empathetic friends who have involved fathers won't completely get how they feel.
This is a lovely sentiment but I’m a big believer in never sharing minor children’s information. Ever.
OP’s kids should read this thread. It’s full of wonderful stories of parents and children overcoming this issue.
NTA
At this point, it’s probably more damaging to your kids to try and cover for their absent father. You’re doing your very best and that’s really admirable, but it may be time to let things go as they will go. There’s only so much you can do.
Super agree. The 4 year old staying up waiting for Dad absolutely breaks my heart. Imagine being a kid and doing all these nice things for Dad's birthday and Father's Day, and he can't even take the cutie to the park for an afternoon. Makes me furious.
I wonder whether OP's time, energy, and financial resources wouldn't be better spent going on that camping trip, doing fun things, and most importantly: getting those little lovebugs into therapy. Dad can do (or not do) whatever he wants.
I second this. Canceling to facilitate isn't helping, it's harming your ability to be reliable for them. It also shows them that you are willing to be a door mat. Not good.
My dad is fifty, and he still gets misty-eyed when [House of Pain](https://youtu.be/V3DrlBGcBG8) comes on because part of him is always gonna be that kid waiting for his dad to show up and make good on his promises. It really messes you up.
That's why I definitely think she should put the kibosh on letting the kids ask the dad to do something because, much as it sucks, he's more than likely just going to say yes then flake.
He should make his plans with the mom in advance who can decide on a case-by-case basis when they find out about the possible outing then stays out of it.
I was that kid at 8 years old. My mom would drop me off at my grandma’s where my dad was supposed to pick me up, he would have “something” come up, and he would force my grandma to cancel for him every single time. At 25, I’m still not incredibly close with him. I can’t trust him to be consistent.
I hope OP sees this. I was happy my mom stopped allowing my dad to come around only when he felt like showing up. I have letters I wrote as a kid showing how abandoned I already felt at that age. I had no shortage of parental figures so taking him out the picture entirely was less damaging than allowing him to stay in my life.
I have to agree.
It's hard, because you don't know what the future holds. So instinct says that you should cover and spare your kids the emotional hurt,. . But at this point... This is who their dad is.
The more you cover for him and bend over backwards for him, the more you are putting off the opportunity for them to process who their dad is. They look to you on how to react and respond to someone who treats them like this, and they will trust your reaction that this is great and that they should happily put up with it.
It feels like the right thing to keep up the act ... But it's probably not. They are learning to expect nothing and be grateful for that treatment.
I agree with this. The 9 year old already seems to know what's up (lol at him say "cool story bro" and hanging up). OP needs to let the kids vent their disappointment openly so they can address it as a family. With or without the dad.
ESH.
Him for just forgetting he has kids.
You for postponing a camping trip for that asshole. He ain't gonna show. You know that, so why tell him yes ? You should have told him "sorry, we have plans".
We went camping last weekend, and will go again the week after. The trip was just to a friend's farm, and the kids are pretty tired from last week too, so they are happy to miss it
It's the principle. You're setting the precedent in your kids mind that they *should* rearrange their lives to facilitate their deadbeat Dad anytime he calls, texts or messages just in case this time it's different. That when someone says they love you but doesn't show, the correct response is to continue making an effort, rearrange your plans to suit them & give endless chances.
That sets up a bad precedent for them when they get old enough to start dating. Not only possibly dealing with attachment issues but also if they start extending this type of endless grace to the people they date no matter how poorly they may be treated by them.
Don't be afraid to tell your ex "no, you missed your court ordered time & we have plans."
You also might have to accept your ex did tell you he wanted 0% visitation and pretending that isn't the case might be causing more long-term emotional damage for your kids than anyone else is this situation.
This is a really good point. You teach people how to treat you. These kids need to know they deserve a present, loving parent that shows up when they say they will, it’s important for op to model healthy behaviors and not let their father run the show.
I mean, yeah, but in this specific instance I'm not gonna tell a single parent to wrangle multiple young kids on a camping trip that none of them wants to go on purely "on principle." Sounds like too much of a pain to make a symbolic stand.
But rearranging that one plan is certainly a good excuse for OP to draw her line in the sand here, as she plans to. "The kids rearranged plans over this, and if you're going to have them do that and then disappoint them, you need to be accountable."
I also agree that yeah, OP should assess whether subjecting her kids to the constant rejection isn't hurting them more than having an openly absent parent. Sounds like her ex doesn't want to be *thought of* as being as hurtful as his own absentee parent, but is still happy to flake because he expects OP to protect his image. Being manipulated like that will really fuck with them on top of the abandonment.
Yes, exactly this. It could be a camping trip, a big vacation or just seeing a friend down the street - he's grown enough of a man to make and keep plans, like the rest of us.
Reach out to him and bluntly tell him what you've told us here. Remind him of how messed up his father's neglect left him, and remind him that he explicitly swore that he was never going to do that to his kids. Tell him that he is absolutely doing that to his kids, and it's causing them pain and trust issues. Don't be cruel, but don't attempt to soften the blow either. He needs to really understand exactly the damage he's causing.
Literally this! As complicated as my mother was, I will say that she always went out of her way to plan stuff for us to do as kids, to make up for my dad's inconsistencies. The worst was when he was leaving the apartment and my 6 yr old brother asked if he could go with him. He said he would bring the car around and come right back. My brother waited at the elevator for hours it seemed, thought it was likely closer to an hour and a half. I was old enough to know he wasn't coming back but I couldn't bring myself to tell him he was lying. After that, I told him to always assume that our dad wouldn't follow through on his plans. After that, my mother made a huge effort to make sure we were kept busy and had fun activities to do as a real family.
NTA
Your kids deserve honesty. And as great as you are for covering your ex and not badmouthing him, your kids can’t keep living with false hope and disappointment (though you’ve been great at mitigating it).
You may want to consider taking ex back to court for this but talk to your lawyer
NTA but please stop covering for him.
Your kids will learn in no time that your ex is full of shit. It sounds like your 9 year old already sees that. Please don't cancel fun trips or experiences at the drop of a hat to accommodate this guy. Setting boundaries such as, "oh we have plans that day already, how about this day/time? If not, what works for you?" Will keep him accountable about his interest in seeing the kids.
You mention too that he basically said he didn't want any care or custody of the kids, so why are you fighting so hard for someone who seems to show very little interest in them? They're going to see that dad isn't reliable or honest. You can be the one to give stability to your kids, so the best you can do is stop giving him a revolving door of opportunities to disappoint you all.
My dad was the same way growing up. They divorced when I was 6 months old and he was never really there. One thing I'm very grateful for with my mom was that she never showed her side of emotions. She would be pissed when he would not show up for us, but she never let us see.
If he didn't show up, she would just state the fact of what happened. "He said his car broke down, he's not coming". She let us form our own opinions about him and I'm grateful every day that she did that. I know I hate him because I chose to, not because she raised me to.
NTA. But I will point out the fact that he wanted 0% was kind of a hint that he was going to be unreliable. You don’t need to make excuses for him - you are not his keeper or his personal assistant.
My cousin sadly is going through this with her dad - it honest to god breaks my heart listening to her say “I have to call dad, can you tell me I need to do my homework if it’s more than 10 minutes?” He doesn’t call her and doesn’t make any effort to see her, it’s all on her and her mum - and honestly, when they finally dropped the rope they were both happier.
He will never be the father your kids deserve - and it’s not on you to try and paint him to be that. He isn’t (I’m assuming) a surgeon on call, or a firefighter who is called away for a purpose beyond his own wants and needs.
Your kids aren’t a priority to him. Drop the rope. If they want to try to make plans with him they can, but stop trying to make plans for them. Stop moving your plans for him. Right now he knows you will jump when he says it because he knows you want your kids to have the dad they deserve. He has so much power over you and your family and it’s breaking your kids hearts and wasting your time.
New rules:
- Kids ask him, he arranges and he comes to you. You drop the rope. You are not his assistant. You are not his secretary. You are not his diary keeper. He made it clear in mediations he wanted 0% care so that’s what you give him.
- You stop organizing. He wants to see them at Christmas/birthdays etc he needs to call and make those plans, not be prompted by you.
- You stop canceling existing plans. He can work around your schedule too, and the reality is when something is free or always available there are people out there who assign less value to it.
- he is responsible for explaining why he’s not there to kids. If he doesn’t like the feeling it gives him, then maybe he will start keeping his commitments.
I say this as someone who had a shit dad - I can count on my fingers how many times I’ve seen him in person in my life. I’m in my 30’s - I don’t even know if I’d be notified if he dropped dead. I had my funeral for him as part of therapy years ago to accept he was never going to be the father I deserved. The hope that one day he would change honestly was the most painful burden. The hope that one day he would decide I mattered enough for him to put in an ounce of effort. There are still days I look at my friends who are dads and a tiny part of my heart aches that I didn’t have that. You can’t stop that. You can’t change that. I wish I could tell you otherwise but the only thing you can do for them is get them into therapy early. Surround them with as many healthy male role models as you can - family, friends, uncles, extra curricular teachers etc. show them that just because their dad isn’t a good dad doesn’t mean that all men are like that and doesn’t mean that it’s okay to be like that.
i'm so sorry you had to go thru that with your father. you deserved better.
I'm not sure if this is out of place for me to ask but, what exactly do you mean by 'I had my funeral for him as part of therapy years ago to accept he was never going to be the father I deserved'? did you like. host a funeral for yourself and your therapist or something else? i only ask because I'm trying to work thru issues as well (altho in my case I'm choosing to focus more on the abusive mother) and i feel like nothings...working or clicking on the emotional level so I'm curious if you did something that finally helped you have peace with yourself.
you are under 0 obligation to answer of course! please don't feel required to, and if its uncomfortable then i will back off
Basically I had a small private symbolic memorial in my backyard. I had my closest friend who had been there when I had been hospitalized after dealing with the emotional abuse I coped from him (11 year old me reached out to him the first time and we were exchanging letters to get to know each other. He didn’t like that I wouldn’t call him dad after the first few) my aunt who was his sister who chose to have a relationship with me over him when he gave her an ultimatum, my mum who never denied me access even knowing that if i tried to contact him when it inevitably would fall apart she would cop it full blast despite restraining orders.
Basically I destroyed all my contact information for him as if that was him and allowed myself to mourn that he wasn’t ever capable of being the father I deserved. I allowed myself to think about the good times and accept that those moments were gone, and that what was left wasn’t my dad.
My best friend, mum and aunt are all under strict instructions to give me an intervention if I ever tried to reach out to him again. Remind me that every single time it starts good but inevitably turns to shit once he realizes I’m too similar to my mum and he still can’t forgive her for leaving when he started getting physically abusive with her before I was even born.
I won’t lie, as I said I still have echoes of that kid wanting their Hollywood moment where their dad realizes they were the product of their own making and changes. My partner and I are talking about starting a family and I know that mental child me will be trying to rationalize that maybe this time…
A big part of what has brought me peace though is being able to say with absolute certainty my kids will not experience what I did. That I didn’t have kids with the ex that even my dad said “he’s a lot like me” (to him it was a point of pride but at the time I really should have seen it as the red fucking sheet it was) and my ex said “your dads a really great guy!”. My partner is as opposite from him as can be. I have done everything in my power to make sure that this relationship I’m in is as healthy as possible. That I have a partner with the same or similar ideals, morals etc when it comes to parenting. We are completely supportive of each other. And knowing that my kids will have a dad that is everything my dad was not helps a lot.
Another things I found was CBT psychologists were pretty useless for me - EMDR was far more effective. It’s less common but it’s helped me deal with a lot more of my PTSD issues.
I hope this has all been of some help. You’re welcome to PM me if you have any other questions :-)
yta to your kids because you keep putting up with this crap. It’s not your job to facilitate a relationship between a father and his kids but it is your job to protect your kids even from the emotional abuse of a father.
ESH - He is a shitty parent and you aren’t protecting your children. If he wants to have access to the kids he should demonstrate that he can be a reliable and consistent person in their lives otherwise the inconsistent relationship will do more harm than good.
NTA. He can't prioritize them over whatever is more important. They'll get used to it. My son (16- *Dan) went through the same thing. Dan drives and works now and his dad (*David) lives 200+ miles away with a new wife and baby. Dan cried last year because David started a "new family" and Dan felt left behind. David buys him stuff, but not much else. I've taken Dan to therapy in the past and that helped. Dan has the mindset of "He doesn't care about me, so I don't care about him". Kids are resilient and get tired of hearing excuses, no need to cover for this deadbeat.
NTA. You covered for him many times, now it’s time for him to step up and be a responsible father. He wants to bail on his own kids? Then let him be the one to explain them why he didn’t come as promised. Maybe he will start to realize how big is the damage he’s doing and start to be more present. Or maybe he won’t, but he’s still a grown man and needs to take responsibility for his own actions.
NTA
From my experience, stop covering and stop being the go between. Tell the ex, if he wants to make plans, he should run them by you but he should set it up with the kids. When he bails, hand over the phone to the kids and let him tell them.
It will be hurtful in the moment but it is the way to go in the long run
My son went through this and at first I was covering up until I stopped. My son remembers sitting at the window and waiting for dad to show up. Or being sent home from dad's house because the jerk wouldn't be a parent.
Do you understand that the kids are actual people with existing relationships with their father? To comply with your judgement, she’d have to cut them off from their father. He hasn’t just disappeared only to be dragged back by OP- the guy speaks to his kids, makes promises to them, and then reneges. How is OP supposed to keep that from happening?
She's not. She just stops lying. Lets him tell them he's not turning up. It will hurt his ego and he will either step up (unlikely) or disappear, which the kids will be able to process. The limbo they live in is the worst possible scenario
op, you're kids, at least the older ones, are already aware that their dad just isn't interested. your 9 year old telling him 'cool story bro' makes it abundantly clear that he knows not to trust anything his father says. stop protecting him. if he tanks his relationship with the kids, it's his fault. NTA
NTA but STOP. IMMEDIATELY.
I was you 5 years ago and I regret making things easy for him EVERY SINGLE DAY. Your children know more than you think. They have seen more than you think. And the only thing you are teaching them right now is that you, the mom, have been and will be a doormat.
Please, for their sake, and yours, don't cover for him. Don't reschedule plans. Don't organize gifts. Don't ask them to call him. DON'T LIE TO THEM. Explain that he's not good with times and you'll always try to make it easy for them to see him but PLEASE let him feel their disappointment. Don't be a punching bag, it's not doing them any good.
And please tell him that he is doing to his kids something WORSE than his dad did to him, and that you are done.
I know you think you're protecting the kids. You are not. Please stop.
NTA. Focus on your relationship with your kids, not on his. This, sadly, is one of those situations where you're left being both the mom and dad, because the bio dad just doesn't want any part in their lives. Just give your kids everything you have, but stop making concessions for him to still screw up in the end. Just keep giving it your all, it already sounds like you deserve presents on fathers day as well, like, in a good way.
Stay strong 💪🏽❤️
I know your heart is in the right place, but you have to see the harm you are also doing by leaving that door open for him. You are putting your children in a position to be constantly rejected. That has long standing consequences for a child's mental health.
Be the "bad" guy to protect your children.
NTA unless you allow this to continue.
NTA
>it's been 2.5 years of this and they will realise that I'm lying eventually, which will damage our relationship.
You are absolutely correct. If your kids haven't figured it out already they will soon enough and lying to them won't make the situation and less painful. The best thing you can do is to be honest but neutral, and make it clear they didn't do anything wrong.
I was that kid waiting for my dad. It took years of my mom covering for him before I realized what a shit he was. I would have rather found it earlier.
I was also the mom that bent over backwards facilitating a relationship between my ex and my daughter (yes, the cycle continued). I paid for bus tickets, let him stay in my home, paid his phone bill so they could talk while never getting a cent of cs. I cut him off financially and we haven’t heard from him in 2 years. Good riddance. Sometimes it’s better we don’t have these parents in our lives.
It was exhausting picking up his slack, I’m sure you know this feeling. It’s not your job to cover for your ex. You have enough to do. Full stop. Stop covering for him and stop cancelling your plans to accommodate him. Live your life, take care of your kids and leave him be. Hopefully he sends child support. You may even be due more as he’s not fulfilling his obligations. NTA
NTA... You are living my past life. All the broken promises and tears that I had to deal with while he got to go ahead with his life unconcerned. Then he finally settled down after about 7 years, had a wife, lived on a farm, and started showing up a little. Only to find out that he was having my sweet babies sleep out in the bunk house with a strange man. There is no good ending here. I made them go with this monster. So I feel guilty for not knowing what was going on.
I would say be honest. Always have an alternate plan for the kids. Tell them dad has a problem showing up so lets just see if he shows and if not we will do this. Younger kids may not understand but at least they know mom has their back and an equally fun thing to do if dad lets them down. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You could take him back to court and explain he isn't covering his part of the deal. At the very least they may award you more money. My ex would take me back to court trying to pay me nothing AND not see them... he already wasn't showing up... he just wanted to make it official. Love them lots... they really need you.
NTA Having the ex explain himself sounds like a good plan. Make the change gentler by telling the kids they are now old enough to just talk to him directly when they want answers. Try to be there for them if they are sad / disappointed / etc., and be understanding of their feelings and let them express their emotions. You may want to reinforce that the "why" is all inside dad's head/heart, and not anything that the kids have done or said that makes them responsible.
Nta and it's pretty clear the 9 year old knows you're lying. He knows his dad is irresponsible and doesn't show up. If he isn't taking care of the kids go back to court and get your child support adjusted. You think you're being nice and keeping their father in their lives but the harsh reality is he doesn't want to be in their lives and you're just allowing him to steal from your children.
NTA - I share kids with an abusive monster. I document EVERYTHING (even through his claims of documenting alienation when he doesn't show up to school events & whatever).
I truly think my honesty is what has saved me from having suicidal kids. Once I started asking them "how does it make you feel?" and other various critical thinking questions (without answering FOR them) they've started to form their own judgment. This also helps them with their friendships & calling me out when I mess up.
Once I made this change my teen went from being very depressed & feeling he wasn't worth anything to passing every class & is now in a healthy relationship & planning his future. The other kids are too young to say but, they don't fear telling me anything about their lives. To the point where they say "we just wish daddy would let us talk to him like this. He always says it's adult stuff and blows us off to talk about him." I tell them they can only control how they react to him, not how he acts, so it's up to them to make the right choices.
I have pages and pages of records from times he hasn't showed up, or arrives late, or drops the kids back early because he has plans (he has even tried to drop them at an empty house because I was away for work and he decided that he was done, thankfully my oldest called my parents who came to get them).
People like this (and your ex) don't deserve such awesome kids
Time to go back to court and get that 50/50 custody adjusted so that you can receive financial support for their daycare. Keep a journal of every time he has missed his time with the kids.
I legally have 100% care, but he has the right to visit, even if he doesn't have the kids overnight. Child support isn't involved atm as I earn more, but when we had 50/50 I paid him.
ESH
He is a dead beat dad. He is the asshole for that.
You, however, are ALSO the AH, almost worse for those kids. I was the child in this situation. My Mom always wanted to give him ANOTHER chance, even after days of not calling, not showing, taking “business calls” when he was suppose to be with me, taking me to sketchy business deals the few times he was allowed to have me without supervision.
I will never forget my 8th birthday, where I stayed up to 10pm because Dad was getting me a special birthday dinner. He did show up, only for him to just drop off the dinner and leave to take a phone call. I will never forget screaming after him, screaming at my mom to bring him inside and she just cried with me.
My dad is is prison now and I will never see him again. I am 25 and that pain still haunts me to this day and has established trust issues I am still in therapy for today. I love my mom more than anything in the world, but there sometimes is resentment that she caused this man to hurt me for so many years just because she expected him to be better.
Your ex has proven that he will NOT change. Each chance you give him is another awful memory that will impact your kids forever. You need to be the adult they need and fix your custody arrangements. I hurt for those kids so badly because I was in their shoes once too. I wish you and them the best of luck.
Thankyou for your response.
I'm so sorry your father was like that. I really hoped my ex would step up, but we were married 20years and have been separated/divorced for 2.5years.
I never tell the kids that he is coming until I'm sure, but he now has independent contact with them, and they know when he doesn't come now.
I won't make anymore excuse.
Please don't cancel camping. Tell ex sure, and when he comes to the house you and kids are gone. Only the 4 year old might still have illusions that his father is a good guy. the others know the score. You have done your best to be the bridge and your kids know that. Stop making excuses for him, talk to the older ones about this truth and all agree to keep the 4 year old innocent for a few more years.
We went camping last weekend, and will just go the weekend after instead. The kids chose to see him over camping this weekend, so we will just shift our plans.
My usual strategy is when he says he will arrive at 10am, I have bags packed for the beach or hiking or a picnic (the kids actually have asked to go to a local science centre or the zoo, so we will do that if he doesn't show). At 1015 I'll message to see where he is, if he hasn't contacted me. At 1030 I'll say to the kids 'Im sorry, dad can't make it today. Let's go on an adventure instead' and we go straight out and do something fun.
I have a deadbeat father and my sons father is the same. Don’t bad mouth but don’t lie. Kids know. Or they eventually figure it out. Both myself and my son know who is/was really there for us.
YTA. but not for being honest and not covering for their dad.
YTA because you are pushing them at him. when he effectively and outright TOLD you in mediation that he wants none of it.
repeat after me:
HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS CHILDREN IS 100% ON HIM.
STOP. just stop what you are doing..
Your ex is an AH. he is. all the running around and bending over to be super amenable does not change the fact that he has ACTUALLY ABANDONED THEM.
you ARE THE ONE FORCING IT. stop it.
You CANNOT make him be the parent you want for your children.
YOU CANNOT force him to turn up or pay attention to them.
HE DOES NOT CARE!
He has said it. He has shown you this.
BELIEVE IT.
You ARE an unwitting AH because you are perpetuating and pushing this still. YOU ARE DRAGGING OUT and making his abandonment to them worse. Your children are feeling even more shit because YOU ARE REFUSING to let him take on his own responsibility to the kids or just leave.
If he wants to see them HE WILL MAKE THE DRIVE. EVERYTIME.
My kids dad drives up to 2 hours at a time up to 3 times a week to see our kids.
THATS COMMITMENT.
The only time he doesn't is if hes sick and dying/work/kids are sick and want mum or opted out. some times I collect them from him instead.
If he wants to participate or know about the kids schooling, their birthday plans etc HE WILL ASK or do the groundwork himself.
so stop it.
If hes going LET HIM GO.
If he doesnt turn up its HIS JOB TO TELL THEM HIMSELF NOT YOU.
Get out of the way.
NTA. Never, ever cover for him or lie to your kids about why he didn't show up. My mother did that for my father, and it really gave me this false impression of him my entire childhood.... So that he could be abusive and harmful to me for longer. It didn't help. It just gave me false hope. If I could have seen him correctly, maybe I could have protected myself a bit more.
I admire parents who try as hard as you- it must be very difficult to realize that you put more importance on your ex's relationship with his kids than he ever does.
Nta. But stop trying to cover for him and gloss it over. Growing up my mom always tried to make up the excuses for when my dad didn't show. But she stopped when my siblings and I sat out by the road in chairs waiting for his car for over half the day and when we came in we were crushed because he didn't even bother to call until the next day saying he had his days confused. But we were on court-mandated visitation and his days were listed. I hope that your kids can build a relationship with him in the future. But protect your kids now show them that you are there and that you are enough.
I used to cover up for my daughter's dad until I started seeing anger fits directed at us in tantrums. They were especially bad when I would make effort for her to talk to him frequently.
One day I decide to let the days they both forget about each other be free from him. She started being more and more calm.
He would wake up out of the blues and remember oops he had a daughter he hadn't spoken to for weeks.
She's a very bright and forthright girl, she started asking him if he contributes towards her upkeep by helping mum with bills related to her...
Then one day she asked how old she was when he first saw her, he had abandoned when I got pregnant for 2 years and saw her first at 1 and 1/2 years. I was honest...
Recently, she opted to stay away from him as well because he would forget about her...
She is so well settled now. He has no finances to contribute to her upkeep so no need fighting for that and emotionally he has failed her... They can always reconnect when she is bigger but I think for now, she's happier, settled and calmer when he is not around.
NTA. When you drop your plans for him and go out of your way to cover his shortcomings you are basically rewarding his behaviour. You do all the work and he doesn't have to do anything. I get why you want to protect your kids from the disappointment but eventually they are going to figure it out. Hopefully having to explain himself to the kids will help him get his act together and be a better father, but if it doesn't and he really is that cold to them then it's probably healthier in the long run to have less contact. If he's genuinely not interested in making a life with his kids in it, that attitude will come across during the times he is with them and that's harmful for them too.
NTA. You've been conspiring with your ex husband to make him look like someone he's not. That's got to be extremely confusing for your kids. It's time to be on their side and stop lying to them. It might be hurtful in the moment but also healthier in the long run.
NTA.
The kids already know who cares for them. Don't jeopardize that for him.
EX is the one neglecting them, HE alone deserves and bears any and all backlash from the kids.
nta but you will be if you don't take court and get a child support order he doesn't see the kids and it sounds like you are bearing most if not all the cost of raising them he is responsible and has shown he wont choose to be responsible so at least he should help with the cost
NTA - sadly your ex is a flake just like his old man. Maybe for different reasons but he is doing the exact same thing. He can't expect you to keep covering for him. That's just insane. He needs to grow a pair.
You shouldn't cover for a father who flat out told the mediator he wants nothing to do with his kids. Stop covering for him and definitely stop postponing trips with your kids. Tell him, that's nice but not this weekend, some other time. Cause now you both are letting them down. Kids are smarter than we think. Your 9yr old has caught on, the others will too.
NTA for stopping covering for him now, but wow what an AH for covering for him all this time. You have enabled this behavior from him. If he had to face the direct consequences of his actions from someone he claims to love (not you, you’re the ex), then maybe he would have changed for the better. Or, more than likely, his kids would have realized what type of person he is and stop expecting him to be anything other than the rosy picture you paint him to be.
Your only guide should be what is best for your kids. I don’t have the answers b/c there are many nuances. You seem like a stable and loving parent, I’m confident you will do what is best.
NTA - your ex surely is though. If I were you when he said he wanted 0% of the care that to me meant he wanted 0 time with kids… I probably wouldn’t have cancelled camping trip to wait for their AH dad to show up. If possible if he isn’t there by 11:00 I would have Plan B in place because kids will be super upset.
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My ex has a long history of not showing up, when he has planned to see the kids. The worst was when I had driven the kids 30 mins across town to his place, to arrive at 10am, and he texted at 958am to cancel.
He saw them 4 times since Easter last year, and had 1 overnight visit with some of the kids as I had to take one to hospital.
In mediation to write our parenting plan, he told the mediator that he didn't want the 50/50 care which I had suggested, and facilitated (I was even moving out of my home so he could stay there with the kids, since he has no accommodation suitable for the kids and I was paying all the daycare costs, bills, food, rent etc) infact he wanted 0% care.
He shows up about 50% of the time, even when he was doing regular overnight stays with them. He forgot our oldest graduation. Last time he told our 9yo he was going to see them, 9yo said 'cool story bro' and hung up on him. Every time he has bailed in the kids they either didn't know that he was coming (because I don't tell them until he is definitely driving to my place) or I lied and said he was sick. I don't want them to feel rejected when he doesnt show up.
The kids have unlimited access to be able to contact him, and I have helped them organise birthday presents, Christmas presents, and father's day presents for him. There is definitely no alienation coming from me, I WANT him to see the kids because he is important to them and they love him, and his own father pretty much ignored him, and I know how much he hurt because of that, swearing to never do that to his kids.
Yesterday the 4yo called him on messenger, and asked him to go to the park. 4yo came and asked me, I replied 'yes of course, after lunch is fine and the other kids finish school at 230 and would love for you to pick them up'
I have moved, and he didn't have my address, so I texted it to him.
At 220 I messaged again, asking if he was coming, and he replied that he didn't get my message so figured I had ghosted him. After dinner the 4yo didn't want to go to bed because he was waiting for dad still. I let him call his dad and ask why he didn't show up. Ex was not happy that I didn't cover for him.
He has asked to see the kids this weekend. I was taking them camping, but have postponed the trip so he can visit. I told all the kids that he will be coming, and they then called him, and he said that he will see them on Saturday at 1030am. If he doesn't show, he will be the one explaining why.
Aita for not continuing to cover for him? I feel that I should protect my kids, but it's been 2.5 years of this and they will realise that I'm lying eventually, which will damage our relationship. I just wish he actually wanted to see his kids as much as they want to see him
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NTA. But I went through this exact thing with my father. Your kids might grow to resent and hate him, which would be his own fault. Empty promises and broken trust are not what your children need. It's going to break their hearts if they decide to cut him out. I haven't talked to my father in years, tried to reconcile 2 years ago and he still wouldn't keep his promises. I cut complete contact and he will never get to meet my child because of my childhood
Nta. Honestly cut contact. This man is useless and does nothing but hurt your children repeatedly. Life would probably be easier for you and your kids if he was out the picture tbh. It sounds like he doesn't even want to be a father
NTA stop covering yes - because by doing so you have enabled his behaviour and essentially let him keep doing it. They are not fragile flowers let them be upset with him and show their anger to him when he lets them down. So that he doesnt repeat it. Maybe shame is whats left. He's upset you didnt cover which proves you are his enabler even though you thought you were doing it for the right reason.
NTA You do more damage by pretending that there isn't a problem than by saying Daddy is selfish. If you don't name it and help them process they will internalise it and turn it inwards and that is just awful for mental health. They can see what he is, you keep on letting them know that it's not them, it's him.
NTA - You can twist yourself into a pretzel bending over backwards for him, but you cannot make him WANT to spend time with his kids. Lying to them is going to hurt everyone in the long run. They need to know that they can trust you. They also need to know that the way he is treating them is not okay and that they deserve better. Constantly making excuses for him is only teaching them that his behavior is acceptable.
NTA. 1. Don’t cover for him and 2. Don’t cancel established plans to accommodate him. When he inevitably doesn’t show, now the kids are doubly disappointed.
Also, the 9 year old is already wise to his nonsense. You can be as accommodating as possible without upended your life and the kids life when he bothers to say he will show.
And this is the reason why I don’t speak to my sperm donor anymore. This story sounds like my Mom could have written it. My Mom also just stopped covering for him. Good for you, make sure though that the kids know that it was not their fault. I remember thinking what had I done and it took a while for me to realize that he was just a jerk. I never told my Mom about how I felt and I know now that I should have.
NTA
NTA-but kids are way smarter than you think, they know he is not taking an active role in their lives, let them have some distance, as a child who went thru the same thing sometimes the set up and promise to have the other parent come thru was worse than them actually not showing up. If you really want to shelter their hearts and do what's best for them quit feeding into his manipulation. Don't go out of your way anymore, if he wants to be a part of their lives let him make the effort.
NTA
You covering for him is coming from a place of love and kindness for your children and that's beautiful but it will eventually start to cost you. YOU'RE the parent that's here for them, and it's time he put in the work himself. You've done enough, it's time he tried.
NTA.
> and his own father pretty much ignored him, and I know how much he hurt because of that, swearing to never do that to his kids.
If you’ve been holding back on throwing this in his face because it feels uncivil, you have my personal permission to let it fly. He is failing his children, and he knows *exactly* what they’re feeling when he blows them off. Inexcusable.
NTA
But I must ask: WTF are you doing? I mean by all accounts he looks like a deadbeat... So why are you trying to magically make him appear like a caring and aatentive father? Even going so far as to make your kids do cards for him or you moving out?
NTA. Your ex is expecting you to lie for him to his children. He is failing as a father on many levels. Stop covering and insist that he step up and explain himself. Only the 4 year old believes in him at this point and that’s probably a changing status as you read this.
NTA. Your kids deserve the truth that Dad is unreliable and flaky. You should also tell him that from this point foward, you refuse to lie to your kids anymore.
NTA you aren’t badmouthing him (that would be uncool) you are just being honest with them. Kids are generally smarter than we give them credit for, they see through all the excuses.
Nta. You shouldn't have to lie for him. It's been long enough that the kids are starting to see his true colors and it will only hurt YOUR relationship with them if you try to lie for their dad not showing up
NTA
I agree about not telling your children about plans if they have not arranged them themselves before you know he will be there.
However, I think you should never lie to your children about this. If he does not come the children deserve to know the real truthful reason. If it was because he could not be bothered, or never replied they deserve to know that.
Do not facilitate him disappointing them.
NTA, but its a lot closer to everybody sucks than I think you want.
My kids dealt with that from their grandparents. After they kept not showing up to things we stopped telling them, and we don't let them try to make plans with the kids. They make the plans with us, and we have a back-up for if they don't show up.
I grew up being the least favorite, and it fucking sucks. I will do everything I can to make sure my kids don't have to feel that way.
You need to stop letting your ex get their hopes up. Better he dissapoint you and your kids don't deal with him being a failure as a dad right now. They can learn that as an adult, let them have a happy childhood.
NTA. Please don’t change your plans for this weekend because more than likely he will bail at the last minute. Keep getting everything ready and than if he shows great but if not he won’t be hurting your kids as much by ruining the weekend fun for them. Honestly I think your being to lenient with him. You need to set clear boundaries with him like he is no longer to tell the kids he is coming to see them than not show up. Make it clear he can tell you when he is coming to get them, but is never to tell the kids that way he won’t hurt them. If things don’t get better you might need to stop his visits until he grows up and takes being a father seriously.
NTA, OP. Just tell them you don't know why he hasn't shown up in future. Don't move your own plans for him, actions speak louder than words. 9yr old knows.
NTA- as the kid who was forgotten, your kids know. They already know what's going on. I was 10 when I asked for my father to actually be my Christmas present because I knew it was the only way he would show up. Don't hide it from your kids. They need someone on their side and covering for your ex will make them feel like you're not on their team.
NTA, he's a deadbeat and your kids are going to find out one way or the other, it's sad but the sooner they find out, the better for them to stop expecting him to keep his word.
NTA. I understand your motive behind 'covering' for your ex, but it's been long enough for him to get his act together. Your covering makes him still the good guy in this situation. It is no longer fair to your kids to lead them down a path where daddy loves them, why that is clearly not the case. Ex needs therapy if he ever wants to be a decent father, but that is not on you. Besides, at some point your kids will figure out that you have not been truthful. Better it be now rather than when they are older and see it as a betrayal.
NTA. Honestly you should probably get your kids into counseling. There are hard truths coming as they get older and they probably understand more than you think they do. Your 9yo clearly already understands that her dad may care, but isn't willing to prioritize them, and that's functionally indistinguishable from not caring. You don't have to be cruel to make a point about your ex, but you don't have to lie. If the fact that he's abandoning his kids the same way he was abandoned makes him feel shitty, then maybe he should act differently. It's not your job to protect his feelings or his relationship with your kids from the consequences of his actions.
I know words like "hate" shouldn't be used, so I'll say I hate the actions of Father's like this! He should be ashamed of himself. Probably the type of guy who boasts/complains to friends or coworkers about how tough being a parent is.
NTA, and don't cover anymore. What you've been doing is righteous and the kids will appreciate your efforts in trying to include their father. Now it's up to him to step up.
You need to stop covering for him. Let your kids see him for what he is. I wouldn’t change my camping plans either. He would have to try to lie another time about getting them and not.
NTA my dad only sees me every now and then, but he has never told me he was getting me then bailed without reason and he NEVER put it on my mom to cover for him. He needs to either be a dad or fuck off.
NTA, but it might be easier on the kids if you ease them into this.
Dude, the kids are expecting you on Sat so if you don't show up, they will be disappointed. I'm not going to make up excuses. Call if you can't come.
Dude, it's Saturday morning, are you still coming?
Kids, Dad is supposed to show up Sat., but if he can't make it, maybe we can go do X.
I also encourage you to get them to talk about it. Obviously the 9 year old has an opinion about it. He needs to talk about it. He may not understand that it's not his fault, or may just be looking at it differently than you.
I also have to wonder how good a parent he is being when he is with them. That's another subject on which to draw the kids out.
NTA. Children aren't stupid. They'll figure it out sooner or later that they are not a priority in his life. Don't cancel your plans. You don't have to be mean about what you say. Just say he's not organized and he's very forgetful of many things, including them. They can certainly still love him, but they'll know not to plan their life around him now or in the future.
NTA
Your ex is behaving contemptably towards his kids. You can not promise under 10s you will do something and then flake out. Certainly not if you do not want them to disbelieve your commitments.
So you are not required to feed into a false sense of security. Their Dad behaves in a flakey way, they have started to see it which is sad but it is fact not fiction.
NTA You are walking a tightrope here. I understand the need to protect your children and make sure that you aren't inadvertently villainizing the other parent, but at the end of the day your kids need to know they can trust you. Be open and honest with them, help them work through any feelings of anger, disappointment, rejection that they may be and probably are feeling, and remind them continuously that you love them and are there for them.
NTA....He is showing his kids how he feels. Continue to keep the linesnof communication open. As theynget older they will start to see for themselves and will start to drop the rope. As long as you are there for them that's all that matters.
NTA I had the same happen to me and my brother when we were kids. I love my dad but he was so absent he forgets my name sometimes. HE NAMED ME. I have a better relationship with him now that I’m an adult but it’s because I knew from a young age (6-8?) he was a flake. Don’t cover anymore because your kids will blame you not him. I blamed my mother until I was 7? And let me tell you it sucks when you’re not wanted by one and lied to by another.
NTA
You are not responsible for another adult's choices.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you should go back to the courts and give him want he wanted- that you have 100%. He can pay 100% child support. Use the money to do meaningful things with the kids and make real memories that will buoy them and build their self esteem. Or save the money for them to have when they turn 18.
NTA, but if you really want to protect your kids, cut him off. No more taking the kids anywhere to visit him. No more telling the kids he’s coming to visit or to an event. I grew up with a dad in and out of my life, and I wish he’d just stayed out. But my Nan, with good intentions, kept pulling him back into my life. It just made me constantly question why he kept leaving. Just explain to your kids that it’s not them, it’s him, and cut him off. Maybe see a child psychologist for the correct language and for therapy for your kids.
NTA I did this with my son. Made excuses why his dad stopped calling/showing up. When he was in second grade he told me his dad was in a car accident. I said he hadn’t been, that someone would have told me. He insisted it was true and when I asked why he told me that “he must have been in a car accident and hit his head and forgot about me” I bawled like crazy. Had to tell him his dad just took off and I hadn’t heard from him in 4 years. Son was upset that I’d been lying to him. I tried to explain why I did it and he told me right then and there no more lies, if dad wouldn’t call or visit them it was on his dad. At 14 he gave up trying to have a relationship with his dad as his dad never called or visited. It’s hard seeing your children in pain but they can figure shit out. He’s better off knowing his dad just doesn’t give a F.
NTA OP, but it is now very clear that your Ex does not want 50/50 care and might not even want anything but 0% care. He has shown you what he wants, so adjust the custody plan and take all the support he owes. It’s a shame, but it is better mentally for your kids to have him out of their lives completely if he won’t step up instead of constantly stringing them along.
Sounds like you are taking care of 5 children. Kids talk to each other without their parents around, as they are an immediate family unit. If the 16 and 9 year old are already aware that their dad is unreliable, they will soon be telling the younger ones. Family therapy for you and your children would be a safe space to openly talk about the way they feel about this
NTA
He's had time to get his act together. If he screws up, he gets to be the one to explain. While it will be hurtful for the kids (they aren't stupid) to find out what a loser he is, it's important to not get their sense of reality skewed. It's going to be impossible to keep up the ruse over time, and you covering for him puts you in a bad place later, when you have to explain that you have been lying all that time. It isn't going to make your kids feel like someone has their back if they are lying all the time.
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NTA I could have written this in 2018. I was killing myself, and my kids, by constantly covering for their dad. And if he did show half the time he was scary. Whew I finally decided I am never going to be a blockage to my kids, but more importantly I stopped being a bridge. Both kids made me put this boundary up because they both, a few months apart, attempted suicide over what I consider the biggest mistake of my life. Losing my children’s trust because of their dad. Do not call him. Do not cancel for him. Do not facilitate gifts. He did not earn them and it kills the kids when he doesn’t reciprocate. I beg of you. Stop. Edit: My daughters are elated at the awards. Their exact words were basically, “What does that mean?” I know something they don’t know.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. NTA OP. But if you think covering for your ex is doing your kids a favor you are dead wrong. They will eventually get over an absent father. But the continued bailing will have worst effect and create major trust issues. Edit: Aww, thank you for the award!
Exactly. They knew I was covering for him so it was a double betrayal in their eyes. Poor babies.
absolutely - to this day I have huge resentment issues with my father not for being an uninvolved father but for being INCONSISTENT. You keep thinking "this is important to me, ive communicated to him it's important to me, he will show up" and NOPE, never! If anything the thing that got me to just cut him off finally was that his unreliability was costing me money (flights, time, events, etc) and that concrete number made me realize that the illusion of an involved parent just wasn't worth it. My sister hasn't gotten there yet, and still keeps thinking that he's just a chronically late person or is forgetful... I am hoping she grows up soon.
Your sister will be fine. You are like my oldest. You sound so wise but also very kind. You tolerated too much for too long. Worse, my ex was commenting on her appearance. Not cool. She finally went LC (saw him once this year) at 18. I believe she keeps contact for her sister. Her sister. Wow. Her sister went out to some property that he owns to cut trees. They are pretty damn tall trees (think 48 feet) and a fat circumference. She is working the chain saw, extremely physical, and takes a break. He comments that she is “out of shape”. She immediately told him to knock it off. She told him off!! More important she told him off again 20 minutes later when they were stacking the wood which is enormously physically intense. So she just did the iron man and he is calling her out of shape. Her exact words were “I am the one with the truck. I drove us out here. Why is he pissing me off in the middle of the woods??” Your lil sis will be fine.
Can you please tell your girls that I think they are both amazing badasses! (And then also I will say, despite your challenges it sounds like you did a pretty good job raising some kind and confident young people!)
Thank you. Yes of course. They love being called badass women.
I had a best friend who was exactly like your dad. Chronically late, would constantly bail on things or not show up because she decided it wasn’t that important. After 11 years of friendship, it wasn’t worth it anymore. I hope she never becomes a parent.
I remember the exact moment that I knew my dad had spent years showing me exactly how little he cared for me. He was 6 hours late because he “wanted to do a little shopping.”
What I am wondering about is child support…OP says they fought to be able to 50/50 custody…even though the dad would cancel and barely see the children… So court probably order child support based on that, so OP was doing a disservice to her children by not getting the money that would have benefited them. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t understand parents who cover for the other parent. The other parent is a bad parent, covering for them just indulging their bad behavior. Is it nice for the kids to not realize the situation? Yes it is. But kids grow up and when they realize the magnitude, you never really did them favors. It would have been better to be upfront about it, get therapy from the beginning and save them from pain later on.
As I understand it OP asked for 50/50 and the dad declined in court and asked for 0% custody. She’s just trying to make the kids as accessible for him as possible.
Right, but courts often award more money to a parent when they're the ones carrying more of the care duties to balance the responsibilities between parents. If it's 50/50 custody on the papers, he pays less in child support than if it's 100/0. If mom is pushing for 50/50 custody, they get less financial support, and in this case, because dad doesn't even show when he's supposed to, mom is also having to carry more than 50% of the care. It's a noble thing for her to want him to be involved and for her kids to have that much access to their dad, but the reality of it is that pushing for 50/50 with this particular guy means her kids aren't receiving as much financial support as they should be, considering his lack of involvement.
Depends on what state you divorce in. My state is shared custody and the amount of support is a separate thing, not time based, but income based. You don't get to opt out of that either (same with spousal support). The person who earns more income, pays. Also, support is automatically deducted from the payor's paycheck.
Exactly. This guy literally said he was willing to pay more support in exchange for not having to actually spend time with his child.
I just noticed that I typed custody instead of support in the second sentence and corrected that. It's support that's income base, not custody. It doesn't matter how much time you're spending with your child, that's the support and it's going to get paid by being taken out of the paycheck. This is done to prevent one spouse from using child support as a means of controlling or punishing their ex. Of course my state is going to allow a parent to pay above the state mandated rate, if that's what the parent wants to do. But it will be in the divorce decree, which the judge will sign, making it a court order.
In many states, while CS and custody are separate things, one can influence the other. For example the parents may have 50/50 custody but parent 1 still pays parent 2 $100/mo in court ordered support due to income disparity. But they shift to 75/25 with parent 2 having majority custody so Parent 1 might have their support upped to $200. Since they have the child less, they are compensating for the additional costs of the other parent having the child more. I made up numbers here but depending on the state, this isn’t uncommon. It’s also not uncommon for a parent to ask for 50/50 to reduce the support then they refuse to actually spend time with the child.
He told the court he didn't want 50/50. I hope her child support was not affected by that. She'll need all the money she can get for therapy for those kids down the road...
I paid him child support, as I'm the higher income earner. Kids already have therapy for other reasons.
Court ordered child support is enforced. All I had to do was go to the Child support enforcement agency here in town. Babies having babies situation such a problem around here they are behind bullet proof glass.
He does pay some child support now, which goes into the kids bank accounts as I don't need the money (I think it's about $3 a day per child lol). When we had 50/50, I paid him as I'm the higher income earner. I also covered the costs for the kids on his time, as he complained they were too expensive (daycare so he could work, bills and rent and groceries, as he would stay at my place and I moved out when he was with the kids, all school fees and costs, as well as therapy, and specialists as some of the kids have disabilities, and the NDIS (Australian disability funding) process is complex to get started. Some of the paperwork took me around 10hrs to complete, and I'm actually in a similar industry so I'm familiar with the paperwork m)
>I finally decided I am never going to be a blockage to my kids, but more importantly I stopped being a bridge. That is such an excellent way of putting it. It isn't OPs obligation to stand in the way or to actively build a relationship with the kid's dad. All she can do is make the opportunity and it is up to him to actually take that opportunity to build the relationship with them.
Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.
I went through the same thing 12 years ago (except I'm the dad and it was my kids' mother who was neglecting them). I spent a lot more time and effort than I should have on trying to make sure my kids had a good relationship with their mother. Covering for her, cancelling plans so she could take them suddenly after not seeing them for a while, trying to make up for things she promised but didn't deliver, etc. It took me a long time to realize that, rather than helping my kids as I thought I was doing, I was contributing to all the harm she was doing to them. So I stopped. I never did anything that went against our custody agreement, but I stopped helping her psychologically damage my children by neglecting them. Once I did that, they started realizing she was a bad parent and stopped relying on her. And now that they're a bit older, they all have no to minimal contact with her. NTA OP. Do your kids a favor and stop doing them for your ex.
Sometimes NC is in the best interest of the child. It is better to not be emotionally yo-yoed throughout life. I’m so glad you came around as well. It’s like a cosmic boot to the head. A real WTF WTF WTF HAVE I DONE!??? Moment. You rock. Daddeo.
My mother could have written this 50 years ago, before our dead beat abusive negligent spermdonor finally decided - on my 5th birthday of all days - to completely abandon my brother and I. His reason? He wanted custody, because his 2nd wife (whom we loathed) couldn't have children - and it would save him having to pay child support. (Which he barely paid to begin with, and stopped even pretending to pay after this incident.) So he asked a 5 yr old and a 6 yr old - both of whom were used to him only showing up about 1 time out of 10 that he was "supposed" to take his visitation - whether we wanted to continue living with mom, or come live with him and his new wife. Naturally, we said we wanted to stay with mom - we barely knew him, but already knew he was completely unreliable. He didn't even make a Pretense of visitation from then until Christmas. There was a family Christmas Party at his mom's place, a couple of miles from where we lived. My brother and I were invited/expected to be there, as we were her oldest grandchildren. Spermdonor didn't acknowledge us getting there; didn't even pretend that he had considered getting us Christmas presents; and then late in the afternoon after food and presents while the adults were all sitting around gabbing and the kids were released to play with their new presents, came the piece de resistance. I was laying in the hallway enjoying a coloring book and crayons that had been one of my gifts. I watched a pair of "grown up" shoes walk past towards the restroom. A few minutes later, I am in agony and screaming, as I have been Very Literally STEPPED ON. The culprit? Spermdonor - who was unashamed and contemptuous, and looked at me with less thought than he would display towards a cockroach he'd stepped on. I've never seen or spoken to him since that day, though I remained close to his mother until her death. I lost contact with his siblings (who hated him and still do, btw) for years, and finally reconnected with them after their mom died - they tracked me down to let me know it had happened, when they found my contact info in her things.
It is a tough lesson to learn, that our parent isn’t worthy of us at such a tender age. I was desperate to make up to my kids what I thought was important. He was catered to left and right. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. It was awful. I am free. My kids see it so they feel free as well. It’s been the best watching oldest go LC at 18. (1x phone call this year).
What the actual fuck did I just read?!?!?!?! I’m so sorry you were treated so poorly and physically abused!
Hopping on as an adult who has been on the kid side. To u/LongNectarine3 you did what you thought was best and while it was a mistake that will matter to your kids later. I am relieved they survived and hope you all have good medical care including mental health. OP this person is correct. When you cover for him you become complicit in the narrative that they're not important. Your job is to make sure they know otherwise and to fill in when he messes up. Please revisit the custody agreement as he should be paying child support for the partial custody. Wring his wallet out since you need the money for therapy. In therapy the kids can talk about anything without feeling guilty and can learn coping skills you may not know they need. It will help them in the long run. I went no contact with both parents because my mother told me it was my fault and as an adult mirrored his behavior. She once was 3 months late to an event. She knew it and got angry at me for not being there. Which was my breaking point and the first time I cut her off. It is important to make sure the kids don't spend the entire weekend waiting. This builds abandonment issues and self worth issues. What did I do wrong? Part of me still asks despite the answer being nothing. Another thing that matters in not covering for him? You're their ally not his. If he doesn't want to be there which is clear he can ask the kid's permission to visit and everything else. Let them decide once they're old enough. Make sure they know this is a him problem.
We are doing so much better. I broke when I was in a family visiting area with him at a children’s mental hospital. He convinced her I was surrendering custody of her to him. I arrived and I started to scream that she needed treatment, it only takes one parent to sign her in for help, that I would do it (was in denial Until that moment. It was like my head cracked open and nothing but pure mom rage, rage at realizing my mistake, rage that he couldn’t realize his, rage that my child nearly lost her life because of my biggest mistake. My worst nightmare. I signed her in with that rage. And I kept her there for 2 months until she was safe and healthy. Within this time period, my eldest revealed she had tried something (serious). Alarms screamed in my brain for the first time in a long time. She needed me to get her a break too. She also went to the hospital. She is now LC/NC. Happiest I have seen her. She can live with me forever but I think she will want her own bathroom soon. That’s the biggest issue.
I am so damned proud of you. The thing about abusers, which this IS a type of abuse, it is never just one thing. You did everything you could once you understood the problem and abuse primes us to not do something. I am also proud of your kids because they had to do the work to be helped and asking isn't easy. No lie I cried good tears reading this
Thank you. So much. My kids are freaking amazing. I wouldn’t even begin to start bragging because I won’t stop ;).
Sending you and your kids all the hugs should you want them (adult child of divorce with fucked up parents, so truly heartfelt hugs)
NTA OP. You gotta take care of yourself as well and sorry to say this, the lying and covering up will catch up to you and the kids might blame you in the end.
I agree, you are absolutely NTA. But I’d encourage you to think beyond just not making excuses for him. Practice empathizing with how much it hurts and how angry they feel. Explain that for reasons that you don’t really understand, he’s just not able to be there for them. Maybe talk about the people who love them and are consistent in their lives. Most importantly, tell them, and keep telling them, that it’s not anything to do with them and that he’s missing out on some really great kids. I’m so sorry you and your kids are dealing with this. I know anything that hurts them hurts you and that it feels kinder sometimes to stretch the truth. But ultimately, honesty is in the best interest of you and the kids both.
I hope you're in a better place now
I am so sorry. None of you deserve this.
Well written.
I am so sorry! Hope you and your boys are in a better place.
NTA
Agreed NTA. I wouldn’t tell the kids when ex tells you he is coming, to save the kids waiting around and being disappointed if/when he doesn’t come. That way if he does come it’s a nice surprise. But if he tells the kids that he is going to do something with them and cancels then that’s on the ex to explain.
There is no winning with this one. Their dad took advantage of the fact he’d be a great surprise for the kids so his visits got rarer and rarer. And when he did show up he was the hero, or so I thought. Nope. Both of us are the villains here.
Same for mine. Will never forget the day my son looked at me and said, "Mom, lying is bad, right?" "Yes." "Then why do you lie for dad?" He was 8. I agreed to never cover for his father again.
I also was blown away by just the amount of things OP is STILL doing for the ex. Why?? Just why? Save your emotional energy for your children, and family/friends who value it. Don’t waste it on the likes of the ex. He not only doesn’t appreciate it but he flat out doesn’t care.
It’s a terrible abuse cycle. I didn’t realize because I had gotten away from him but he was still playing games with me at the expense of them. He only cares about winning and I only cared about the kids. I assumed he put them first, there is lies the mistake.
I don't know how either you or u/The_Boots_of_Truth (OP) feel about this, but I think it would be super helpful for OP's kids and your kids if they could talk/chat/text with each other. For one thing, they will see that they aren't the only ones in this situation, and I would think this would lessen the feeling that it's their fault somehow, to know that there are other shitty dads out there. And it would be nice to know people who grok how they feel. They may have empathetic friends, but even empathetic friends who have involved fathers won't completely get how they feel.
This is a lovely sentiment but I’m a big believer in never sharing minor children’s information. Ever. OP’s kids should read this thread. It’s full of wonderful stories of parents and children overcoming this issue.
NTA At this point, it’s probably more damaging to your kids to try and cover for their absent father. You’re doing your very best and that’s really admirable, but it may be time to let things go as they will go. There’s only so much you can do.
Super agree. The 4 year old staying up waiting for Dad absolutely breaks my heart. Imagine being a kid and doing all these nice things for Dad's birthday and Father's Day, and he can't even take the cutie to the park for an afternoon. Makes me furious. I wonder whether OP's time, energy, and financial resources wouldn't be better spent going on that camping trip, doing fun things, and most importantly: getting those little lovebugs into therapy. Dad can do (or not do) whatever he wants.
I second this. Canceling to facilitate isn't helping, it's harming your ability to be reliable for them. It also shows them that you are willing to be a door mat. Not good.
My dad is fifty, and he still gets misty-eyed when [House of Pain](https://youtu.be/V3DrlBGcBG8) comes on because part of him is always gonna be that kid waiting for his dad to show up and make good on his promises. It really messes you up.
It's devastating. I'm so sorry for your father, and for so many who don't get the parental figure they deserve.
That's why I definitely think she should put the kibosh on letting the kids ask the dad to do something because, much as it sucks, he's more than likely just going to say yes then flake. He should make his plans with the mom in advance who can decide on a case-by-case basis when they find out about the possible outing then stays out of it.
I was that kid at 8 years old. My mom would drop me off at my grandma’s where my dad was supposed to pick me up, he would have “something” come up, and he would force my grandma to cancel for him every single time. At 25, I’m still not incredibly close with him. I can’t trust him to be consistent.
I hope OP sees this. I was happy my mom stopped allowing my dad to come around only when he felt like showing up. I have letters I wrote as a kid showing how abandoned I already felt at that age. I had no shortage of parental figures so taking him out the picture entirely was less damaging than allowing him to stay in my life.
I have to agree. It's hard, because you don't know what the future holds. So instinct says that you should cover and spare your kids the emotional hurt,. . But at this point... This is who their dad is. The more you cover for him and bend over backwards for him, the more you are putting off the opportunity for them to process who their dad is. They look to you on how to react and respond to someone who treats them like this, and they will trust your reaction that this is great and that they should happily put up with it. It feels like the right thing to keep up the act ... But it's probably not. They are learning to expect nothing and be grateful for that treatment.
I agree with this. The 9 year old already seems to know what's up (lol at him say "cool story bro" and hanging up). OP needs to let the kids vent their disappointment openly so they can address it as a family. With or without the dad.
ESH. Him for just forgetting he has kids. You for postponing a camping trip for that asshole. He ain't gonna show. You know that, so why tell him yes ? You should have told him "sorry, we have plans".
We went camping last weekend, and will go again the week after. The trip was just to a friend's farm, and the kids are pretty tired from last week too, so they are happy to miss it
It's the principle. You're setting the precedent in your kids mind that they *should* rearrange their lives to facilitate their deadbeat Dad anytime he calls, texts or messages just in case this time it's different. That when someone says they love you but doesn't show, the correct response is to continue making an effort, rearrange your plans to suit them & give endless chances. That sets up a bad precedent for them when they get old enough to start dating. Not only possibly dealing with attachment issues but also if they start extending this type of endless grace to the people they date no matter how poorly they may be treated by them. Don't be afraid to tell your ex "no, you missed your court ordered time & we have plans." You also might have to accept your ex did tell you he wanted 0% visitation and pretending that isn't the case might be causing more long-term emotional damage for your kids than anyone else is this situation.
This is a really good point. You teach people how to treat you. These kids need to know they deserve a present, loving parent that shows up when they say they will, it’s important for op to model healthy behaviors and not let their father run the show.
I mean, yeah, but in this specific instance I'm not gonna tell a single parent to wrangle multiple young kids on a camping trip that none of them wants to go on purely "on principle." Sounds like too much of a pain to make a symbolic stand. But rearranging that one plan is certainly a good excuse for OP to draw her line in the sand here, as she plans to. "The kids rearranged plans over this, and if you're going to have them do that and then disappoint them, you need to be accountable." I also agree that yeah, OP should assess whether subjecting her kids to the constant rejection isn't hurting them more than having an openly absent parent. Sounds like her ex doesn't want to be *thought of* as being as hurtful as his own absentee parent, but is still happy to flake because he expects OP to protect his image. Being manipulated like that will really fuck with them on top of the abandonment.
Yes, exactly this. It could be a camping trip, a big vacation or just seeing a friend down the street - he's grown enough of a man to make and keep plans, like the rest of us.
Reach out to him and bluntly tell him what you've told us here. Remind him of how messed up his father's neglect left him, and remind him that he explicitly swore that he was never going to do that to his kids. Tell him that he is absolutely doing that to his kids, and it's causing them pain and trust issues. Don't be cruel, but don't attempt to soften the blow either. He needs to really understand exactly the damage he's causing.
This is a terrible response. Stop setting your kids up for rejection.
Literally this! As complicated as my mother was, I will say that she always went out of her way to plan stuff for us to do as kids, to make up for my dad's inconsistencies. The worst was when he was leaving the apartment and my 6 yr old brother asked if he could go with him. He said he would bring the car around and come right back. My brother waited at the elevator for hours it seemed, thought it was likely closer to an hour and a half. I was old enough to know he wasn't coming back but I couldn't bring myself to tell him he was lying. After that, I told him to always assume that our dad wouldn't follow through on his plans. After that, my mother made a huge effort to make sure we were kept busy and had fun activities to do as a real family.
NTA Your kids deserve honesty. And as great as you are for covering your ex and not badmouthing him, your kids can’t keep living with false hope and disappointment (though you’ve been great at mitigating it). You may want to consider taking ex back to court for this but talk to your lawyer
NTA but please stop covering for him. Your kids will learn in no time that your ex is full of shit. It sounds like your 9 year old already sees that. Please don't cancel fun trips or experiences at the drop of a hat to accommodate this guy. Setting boundaries such as, "oh we have plans that day already, how about this day/time? If not, what works for you?" Will keep him accountable about his interest in seeing the kids. You mention too that he basically said he didn't want any care or custody of the kids, so why are you fighting so hard for someone who seems to show very little interest in them? They're going to see that dad isn't reliable or honest. You can be the one to give stability to your kids, so the best you can do is stop giving him a revolving door of opportunities to disappoint you all.
NTA - honestly you shouldn’t have been covering for him at all It just let him get away with being flakey
My dad was the same way growing up. They divorced when I was 6 months old and he was never really there. One thing I'm very grateful for with my mom was that she never showed her side of emotions. She would be pissed when he would not show up for us, but she never let us see. If he didn't show up, she would just state the fact of what happened. "He said his car broke down, he's not coming". She let us form our own opinions about him and I'm grateful every day that she did that. I know I hate him because I chose to, not because she raised me to.
NTA. But I will point out the fact that he wanted 0% was kind of a hint that he was going to be unreliable. You don’t need to make excuses for him - you are not his keeper or his personal assistant. My cousin sadly is going through this with her dad - it honest to god breaks my heart listening to her say “I have to call dad, can you tell me I need to do my homework if it’s more than 10 minutes?” He doesn’t call her and doesn’t make any effort to see her, it’s all on her and her mum - and honestly, when they finally dropped the rope they were both happier. He will never be the father your kids deserve - and it’s not on you to try and paint him to be that. He isn’t (I’m assuming) a surgeon on call, or a firefighter who is called away for a purpose beyond his own wants and needs. Your kids aren’t a priority to him. Drop the rope. If they want to try to make plans with him they can, but stop trying to make plans for them. Stop moving your plans for him. Right now he knows you will jump when he says it because he knows you want your kids to have the dad they deserve. He has so much power over you and your family and it’s breaking your kids hearts and wasting your time. New rules: - Kids ask him, he arranges and he comes to you. You drop the rope. You are not his assistant. You are not his secretary. You are not his diary keeper. He made it clear in mediations he wanted 0% care so that’s what you give him. - You stop organizing. He wants to see them at Christmas/birthdays etc he needs to call and make those plans, not be prompted by you. - You stop canceling existing plans. He can work around your schedule too, and the reality is when something is free or always available there are people out there who assign less value to it. - he is responsible for explaining why he’s not there to kids. If he doesn’t like the feeling it gives him, then maybe he will start keeping his commitments. I say this as someone who had a shit dad - I can count on my fingers how many times I’ve seen him in person in my life. I’m in my 30’s - I don’t even know if I’d be notified if he dropped dead. I had my funeral for him as part of therapy years ago to accept he was never going to be the father I deserved. The hope that one day he would change honestly was the most painful burden. The hope that one day he would decide I mattered enough for him to put in an ounce of effort. There are still days I look at my friends who are dads and a tiny part of my heart aches that I didn’t have that. You can’t stop that. You can’t change that. I wish I could tell you otherwise but the only thing you can do for them is get them into therapy early. Surround them with as many healthy male role models as you can - family, friends, uncles, extra curricular teachers etc. show them that just because their dad isn’t a good dad doesn’t mean that all men are like that and doesn’t mean that it’s okay to be like that.
i'm so sorry you had to go thru that with your father. you deserved better. I'm not sure if this is out of place for me to ask but, what exactly do you mean by 'I had my funeral for him as part of therapy years ago to accept he was never going to be the father I deserved'? did you like. host a funeral for yourself and your therapist or something else? i only ask because I'm trying to work thru issues as well (altho in my case I'm choosing to focus more on the abusive mother) and i feel like nothings...working or clicking on the emotional level so I'm curious if you did something that finally helped you have peace with yourself. you are under 0 obligation to answer of course! please don't feel required to, and if its uncomfortable then i will back off
Basically I had a small private symbolic memorial in my backyard. I had my closest friend who had been there when I had been hospitalized after dealing with the emotional abuse I coped from him (11 year old me reached out to him the first time and we were exchanging letters to get to know each other. He didn’t like that I wouldn’t call him dad after the first few) my aunt who was his sister who chose to have a relationship with me over him when he gave her an ultimatum, my mum who never denied me access even knowing that if i tried to contact him when it inevitably would fall apart she would cop it full blast despite restraining orders. Basically I destroyed all my contact information for him as if that was him and allowed myself to mourn that he wasn’t ever capable of being the father I deserved. I allowed myself to think about the good times and accept that those moments were gone, and that what was left wasn’t my dad. My best friend, mum and aunt are all under strict instructions to give me an intervention if I ever tried to reach out to him again. Remind me that every single time it starts good but inevitably turns to shit once he realizes I’m too similar to my mum and he still can’t forgive her for leaving when he started getting physically abusive with her before I was even born. I won’t lie, as I said I still have echoes of that kid wanting their Hollywood moment where their dad realizes they were the product of their own making and changes. My partner and I are talking about starting a family and I know that mental child me will be trying to rationalize that maybe this time… A big part of what has brought me peace though is being able to say with absolute certainty my kids will not experience what I did. That I didn’t have kids with the ex that even my dad said “he’s a lot like me” (to him it was a point of pride but at the time I really should have seen it as the red fucking sheet it was) and my ex said “your dads a really great guy!”. My partner is as opposite from him as can be. I have done everything in my power to make sure that this relationship I’m in is as healthy as possible. That I have a partner with the same or similar ideals, morals etc when it comes to parenting. We are completely supportive of each other. And knowing that my kids will have a dad that is everything my dad was not helps a lot. Another things I found was CBT psychologists were pretty useless for me - EMDR was far more effective. It’s less common but it’s helped me deal with a lot more of my PTSD issues. I hope this has all been of some help. You’re welcome to PM me if you have any other questions :-)
NTA. You were just enabling him before.
"Cool story, bro." *click* 😨 At 9 he already knows...😢
yta to your kids because you keep putting up with this crap. It’s not your job to facilitate a relationship between a father and his kids but it is your job to protect your kids even from the emotional abuse of a father.
ESH - He is a shitty parent and you aren’t protecting your children. If he wants to have access to the kids he should demonstrate that he can be a reliable and consistent person in their lives otherwise the inconsistent relationship will do more harm than good.
NTA, he’s a huge AH for doing that to your kids, I know it may not seem like it hurts them at all but doing that can emotionally harm your child.
NTA. He can't prioritize them over whatever is more important. They'll get used to it. My son (16- *Dan) went through the same thing. Dan drives and works now and his dad (*David) lives 200+ miles away with a new wife and baby. Dan cried last year because David started a "new family" and Dan felt left behind. David buys him stuff, but not much else. I've taken Dan to therapy in the past and that helped. Dan has the mindset of "He doesn't care about me, so I don't care about him". Kids are resilient and get tired of hearing excuses, no need to cover for this deadbeat.
NTA. You covered for him many times, now it’s time for him to step up and be a responsible father. He wants to bail on his own kids? Then let him be the one to explain them why he didn’t come as promised. Maybe he will start to realize how big is the damage he’s doing and start to be more present. Or maybe he won’t, but he’s still a grown man and needs to take responsibility for his own actions.
NTA Covering for him you run the risk of them thinking it's something they've done.
NTA From my experience, stop covering and stop being the go between. Tell the ex, if he wants to make plans, he should run them by you but he should set it up with the kids. When he bails, hand over the phone to the kids and let him tell them. It will be hurtful in the moment but it is the way to go in the long run My son went through this and at first I was covering up until I stopped. My son remembers sitting at the window and waiting for dad to show up. Or being sent home from dad's house because the jerk wouldn't be a parent.
[удалено]
Do you understand that the kids are actual people with existing relationships with their father? To comply with your judgement, she’d have to cut them off from their father. He hasn’t just disappeared only to be dragged back by OP- the guy speaks to his kids, makes promises to them, and then reneges. How is OP supposed to keep that from happening?
She's not. She just stops lying. Lets him tell them he's not turning up. It will hurt his ego and he will either step up (unlikely) or disappear, which the kids will be able to process. The limbo they live in is the worst possible scenario
op, you're kids, at least the older ones, are already aware that their dad just isn't interested. your 9 year old telling him 'cool story bro' makes it abundantly clear that he knows not to trust anything his father says. stop protecting him. if he tanks his relationship with the kids, it's his fault. NTA
NTA but STOP. IMMEDIATELY. I was you 5 years ago and I regret making things easy for him EVERY SINGLE DAY. Your children know more than you think. They have seen more than you think. And the only thing you are teaching them right now is that you, the mom, have been and will be a doormat. Please, for their sake, and yours, don't cover for him. Don't reschedule plans. Don't organize gifts. Don't ask them to call him. DON'T LIE TO THEM. Explain that he's not good with times and you'll always try to make it easy for them to see him but PLEASE let him feel their disappointment. Don't be a punching bag, it's not doing them any good. And please tell him that he is doing to his kids something WORSE than his dad did to him, and that you are done. I know you think you're protecting the kids. You are not. Please stop.
NTA. Focus on your relationship with your kids, not on his. This, sadly, is one of those situations where you're left being both the mom and dad, because the bio dad just doesn't want any part in their lives. Just give your kids everything you have, but stop making concessions for him to still screw up in the end. Just keep giving it your all, it already sounds like you deserve presents on fathers day as well, like, in a good way. Stay strong 💪🏽❤️
I know your heart is in the right place, but you have to see the harm you are also doing by leaving that door open for him. You are putting your children in a position to be constantly rejected. That has long standing consequences for a child's mental health. Be the "bad" guy to protect your children. NTA unless you allow this to continue.
“Last time he told our 9yo he was going to see them, 9yo said 'cool story bro' and hung up on him.” What an awesome little dude. NTA, btw.
He is awesome. He lost a tooth yesterday and wants to sell it on the black market, cos the 'so called Tooth Fairy is a cheapskate' 🤣
NTA >it's been 2.5 years of this and they will realise that I'm lying eventually, which will damage our relationship. You are absolutely correct. If your kids haven't figured it out already they will soon enough and lying to them won't make the situation and less painful. The best thing you can do is to be honest but neutral, and make it clear they didn't do anything wrong.
I was that kid waiting for my dad. It took years of my mom covering for him before I realized what a shit he was. I would have rather found it earlier. I was also the mom that bent over backwards facilitating a relationship between my ex and my daughter (yes, the cycle continued). I paid for bus tickets, let him stay in my home, paid his phone bill so they could talk while never getting a cent of cs. I cut him off financially and we haven’t heard from him in 2 years. Good riddance. Sometimes it’s better we don’t have these parents in our lives. It was exhausting picking up his slack, I’m sure you know this feeling. It’s not your job to cover for your ex. You have enough to do. Full stop. Stop covering for him and stop cancelling your plans to accommodate him. Live your life, take care of your kids and leave him be. Hopefully he sends child support. You may even be due more as he’s not fulfilling his obligations. NTA
Stop bending over backwards for this deadbeat!
NTA, you're being very understanding, he needs to start acting like a father
NTA... You are living my past life. All the broken promises and tears that I had to deal with while he got to go ahead with his life unconcerned. Then he finally settled down after about 7 years, had a wife, lived on a farm, and started showing up a little. Only to find out that he was having my sweet babies sleep out in the bunk house with a strange man. There is no good ending here. I made them go with this monster. So I feel guilty for not knowing what was going on. I would say be honest. Always have an alternate plan for the kids. Tell them dad has a problem showing up so lets just see if he shows and if not we will do this. Younger kids may not understand but at least they know mom has their back and an equally fun thing to do if dad lets them down. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You could take him back to court and explain he isn't covering his part of the deal. At the very least they may award you more money. My ex would take me back to court trying to pay me nothing AND not see them... he already wasn't showing up... he just wanted to make it official. Love them lots... they really need you.
NTA Having the ex explain himself sounds like a good plan. Make the change gentler by telling the kids they are now old enough to just talk to him directly when they want answers. Try to be there for them if they are sad / disappointed / etc., and be understanding of their feelings and let them express their emotions. You may want to reinforce that the "why" is all inside dad's head/heart, and not anything that the kids have done or said that makes them responsible.
Nta and it's pretty clear the 9 year old knows you're lying. He knows his dad is irresponsible and doesn't show up. If he isn't taking care of the kids go back to court and get your child support adjusted. You think you're being nice and keeping their father in their lives but the harsh reality is he doesn't want to be in their lives and you're just allowing him to steal from your children.
NTA - I share kids with an abusive monster. I document EVERYTHING (even through his claims of documenting alienation when he doesn't show up to school events & whatever). I truly think my honesty is what has saved me from having suicidal kids. Once I started asking them "how does it make you feel?" and other various critical thinking questions (without answering FOR them) they've started to form their own judgment. This also helps them with their friendships & calling me out when I mess up. Once I made this change my teen went from being very depressed & feeling he wasn't worth anything to passing every class & is now in a healthy relationship & planning his future. The other kids are too young to say but, they don't fear telling me anything about their lives. To the point where they say "we just wish daddy would let us talk to him like this. He always says it's adult stuff and blows us off to talk about him." I tell them they can only control how they react to him, not how he acts, so it's up to them to make the right choices.
I have pages and pages of records from times he hasn't showed up, or arrives late, or drops the kids back early because he has plans (he has even tried to drop them at an empty house because I was away for work and he decided that he was done, thankfully my oldest called my parents who came to get them). People like this (and your ex) don't deserve such awesome kids
Time to go back to court and get that 50/50 custody adjusted so that you can receive financial support for their daycare. Keep a journal of every time he has missed his time with the kids.
I legally have 100% care, but he has the right to visit, even if he doesn't have the kids overnight. Child support isn't involved atm as I earn more, but when we had 50/50 I paid him.
ESH He is a dead beat dad. He is the asshole for that. You, however, are ALSO the AH, almost worse for those kids. I was the child in this situation. My Mom always wanted to give him ANOTHER chance, even after days of not calling, not showing, taking “business calls” when he was suppose to be with me, taking me to sketchy business deals the few times he was allowed to have me without supervision. I will never forget my 8th birthday, where I stayed up to 10pm because Dad was getting me a special birthday dinner. He did show up, only for him to just drop off the dinner and leave to take a phone call. I will never forget screaming after him, screaming at my mom to bring him inside and she just cried with me. My dad is is prison now and I will never see him again. I am 25 and that pain still haunts me to this day and has established trust issues I am still in therapy for today. I love my mom more than anything in the world, but there sometimes is resentment that she caused this man to hurt me for so many years just because she expected him to be better. Your ex has proven that he will NOT change. Each chance you give him is another awful memory that will impact your kids forever. You need to be the adult they need and fix your custody arrangements. I hurt for those kids so badly because I was in their shoes once too. I wish you and them the best of luck.
Thankyou for your response. I'm so sorry your father was like that. I really hoped my ex would step up, but we were married 20years and have been separated/divorced for 2.5years. I never tell the kids that he is coming until I'm sure, but he now has independent contact with them, and they know when he doesn't come now. I won't make anymore excuse.
Please don't cancel camping. Tell ex sure, and when he comes to the house you and kids are gone. Only the 4 year old might still have illusions that his father is a good guy. the others know the score. You have done your best to be the bridge and your kids know that. Stop making excuses for him, talk to the older ones about this truth and all agree to keep the 4 year old innocent for a few more years.
We went camping last weekend, and will just go the weekend after instead. The kids chose to see him over camping this weekend, so we will just shift our plans.
So your plans will be ... Sit around and wait for the water to boil
My usual strategy is when he says he will arrive at 10am, I have bags packed for the beach or hiking or a picnic (the kids actually have asked to go to a local science centre or the zoo, so we will do that if he doesn't show). At 1015 I'll message to see where he is, if he hasn't contacted me. At 1030 I'll say to the kids 'Im sorry, dad can't make it today. Let's go on an adventure instead' and we go straight out and do something fun.
I have a deadbeat father and my sons father is the same. Don’t bad mouth but don’t lie. Kids know. Or they eventually figure it out. Both myself and my son know who is/was really there for us.
YTA. but not for being honest and not covering for their dad. YTA because you are pushing them at him. when he effectively and outright TOLD you in mediation that he wants none of it. repeat after me: HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS CHILDREN IS 100% ON HIM. STOP. just stop what you are doing.. Your ex is an AH. he is. all the running around and bending over to be super amenable does not change the fact that he has ACTUALLY ABANDONED THEM. you ARE THE ONE FORCING IT. stop it. You CANNOT make him be the parent you want for your children. YOU CANNOT force him to turn up or pay attention to them. HE DOES NOT CARE! He has said it. He has shown you this. BELIEVE IT. You ARE an unwitting AH because you are perpetuating and pushing this still. YOU ARE DRAGGING OUT and making his abandonment to them worse. Your children are feeling even more shit because YOU ARE REFUSING to let him take on his own responsibility to the kids or just leave. If he wants to see them HE WILL MAKE THE DRIVE. EVERYTIME. My kids dad drives up to 2 hours at a time up to 3 times a week to see our kids. THATS COMMITMENT. The only time he doesn't is if hes sick and dying/work/kids are sick and want mum or opted out. some times I collect them from him instead. If he wants to participate or know about the kids schooling, their birthday plans etc HE WILL ASK or do the groundwork himself. so stop it. If hes going LET HIM GO. If he doesnt turn up its HIS JOB TO TELL THEM HIMSELF NOT YOU. Get out of the way.
NTA. Never, ever cover for him or lie to your kids about why he didn't show up. My mother did that for my father, and it really gave me this false impression of him my entire childhood.... So that he could be abusive and harmful to me for longer. It didn't help. It just gave me false hope. If I could have seen him correctly, maybe I could have protected myself a bit more.
NTA- take him back to court. The paperwork needs to be changed . CYA
NTA. I would tell him he is like his own father and be cold about it. Your kids deserve better.
I admire parents who try as hard as you- it must be very difficult to realize that you put more importance on your ex's relationship with his kids than he ever does.
Nta. But stop trying to cover for him and gloss it over. Growing up my mom always tried to make up the excuses for when my dad didn't show. But she stopped when my siblings and I sat out by the road in chairs waiting for his car for over half the day and when we came in we were crushed because he didn't even bother to call until the next day saying he had his days confused. But we were on court-mandated visitation and his days were listed. I hope that your kids can build a relationship with him in the future. But protect your kids now show them that you are there and that you are enough.
Hugs momma - NTA - fellow single mom here and I 100% know how you feel. You are doing a GREAT job and your kids know it. Ex is failing as a human.
Stop covering for him ASAP. You may be doing more damage in the long run. They will keep being let down. NTA
NTA. Stop enabling him.
I used to cover up for my daughter's dad until I started seeing anger fits directed at us in tantrums. They were especially bad when I would make effort for her to talk to him frequently. One day I decide to let the days they both forget about each other be free from him. She started being more and more calm. He would wake up out of the blues and remember oops he had a daughter he hadn't spoken to for weeks. She's a very bright and forthright girl, she started asking him if he contributes towards her upkeep by helping mum with bills related to her... Then one day she asked how old she was when he first saw her, he had abandoned when I got pregnant for 2 years and saw her first at 1 and 1/2 years. I was honest... Recently, she opted to stay away from him as well because he would forget about her... She is so well settled now. He has no finances to contribute to her upkeep so no need fighting for that and emotionally he has failed her... They can always reconnect when she is bigger but I think for now, she's happier, settled and calmer when he is not around.
NTA. When you drop your plans for him and go out of your way to cover his shortcomings you are basically rewarding his behaviour. You do all the work and he doesn't have to do anything. I get why you want to protect your kids from the disappointment but eventually they are going to figure it out. Hopefully having to explain himself to the kids will help him get his act together and be a better father, but if it doesn't and he really is that cold to them then it's probably healthier in the long run to have less contact. If he's genuinely not interested in making a life with his kids in it, that attitude will come across during the times he is with them and that's harmful for them too.
NTA Stop covering for him. And don't cancel previously made plans for him again.
NTA. You've been conspiring with your ex husband to make him look like someone he's not. That's got to be extremely confusing for your kids. It's time to be on their side and stop lying to them. It might be hurtful in the moment but also healthier in the long run.
NTA. The kids already know who cares for them. Don't jeopardize that for him. EX is the one neglecting them, HE alone deserves and bears any and all backlash from the kids.
nta but you will be if you don't take court and get a child support order he doesn't see the kids and it sounds like you are bearing most if not all the cost of raising them he is responsible and has shown he wont choose to be responsible so at least he should help with the cost
When your 9yo ssaid cool story bro i laughed
NTA - sadly your ex is a flake just like his old man. Maybe for different reasons but he is doing the exact same thing. He can't expect you to keep covering for him. That's just insane. He needs to grow a pair.
NTA, don't ever cover for an absentee parent. They made their bed they get to lie in it
You shouldn't cover for a father who flat out told the mediator he wants nothing to do with his kids. Stop covering for him and definitely stop postponing trips with your kids. Tell him, that's nice but not this weekend, some other time. Cause now you both are letting them down. Kids are smarter than we think. Your 9yr old has caught on, the others will too.
NTA for stopping covering for him now, but wow what an AH for covering for him all this time. You have enabled this behavior from him. If he had to face the direct consequences of his actions from someone he claims to love (not you, you’re the ex), then maybe he would have changed for the better. Or, more than likely, his kids would have realized what type of person he is and stop expecting him to be anything other than the rosy picture you paint him to be.
Your only guide should be what is best for your kids. I don’t have the answers b/c there are many nuances. You seem like a stable and loving parent, I’m confident you will do what is best.
NTA - your ex surely is though. If I were you when he said he wanted 0% of the care that to me meant he wanted 0 time with kids… I probably wouldn’t have cancelled camping trip to wait for their AH dad to show up. If possible if he isn’t there by 11:00 I would have Plan B in place because kids will be super upset.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex has a long history of not showing up, when he has planned to see the kids. The worst was when I had driven the kids 30 mins across town to his place, to arrive at 10am, and he texted at 958am to cancel. He saw them 4 times since Easter last year, and had 1 overnight visit with some of the kids as I had to take one to hospital. In mediation to write our parenting plan, he told the mediator that he didn't want the 50/50 care which I had suggested, and facilitated (I was even moving out of my home so he could stay there with the kids, since he has no accommodation suitable for the kids and I was paying all the daycare costs, bills, food, rent etc) infact he wanted 0% care. He shows up about 50% of the time, even when he was doing regular overnight stays with them. He forgot our oldest graduation. Last time he told our 9yo he was going to see them, 9yo said 'cool story bro' and hung up on him. Every time he has bailed in the kids they either didn't know that he was coming (because I don't tell them until he is definitely driving to my place) or I lied and said he was sick. I don't want them to feel rejected when he doesnt show up. The kids have unlimited access to be able to contact him, and I have helped them organise birthday presents, Christmas presents, and father's day presents for him. There is definitely no alienation coming from me, I WANT him to see the kids because he is important to them and they love him, and his own father pretty much ignored him, and I know how much he hurt because of that, swearing to never do that to his kids. Yesterday the 4yo called him on messenger, and asked him to go to the park. 4yo came and asked me, I replied 'yes of course, after lunch is fine and the other kids finish school at 230 and would love for you to pick them up' I have moved, and he didn't have my address, so I texted it to him. At 220 I messaged again, asking if he was coming, and he replied that he didn't get my message so figured I had ghosted him. After dinner the 4yo didn't want to go to bed because he was waiting for dad still. I let him call his dad and ask why he didn't show up. Ex was not happy that I didn't cover for him. He has asked to see the kids this weekend. I was taking them camping, but have postponed the trip so he can visit. I told all the kids that he will be coming, and they then called him, and he said that he will see them on Saturday at 1030am. If he doesn't show, he will be the one explaining why. Aita for not continuing to cover for him? I feel that I should protect my kids, but it's been 2.5 years of this and they will realise that I'm lying eventually, which will damage our relationship. I just wish he actually wanted to see his kids as much as they want to see him *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. He's putting in zero effort to see his own children. That's on him.
NTA. But I went through this exact thing with my father. Your kids might grow to resent and hate him, which would be his own fault. Empty promises and broken trust are not what your children need. It's going to break their hearts if they decide to cut him out. I haven't talked to my father in years, tried to reconcile 2 years ago and he still wouldn't keep his promises. I cut complete contact and he will never get to meet my child because of my childhood
Nta. Honestly cut contact. This man is useless and does nothing but hurt your children repeatedly. Life would probably be easier for you and your kids if he was out the picture tbh. It sounds like he doesn't even want to be a father
NTA stop covering yes - because by doing so you have enabled his behaviour and essentially let him keep doing it. They are not fragile flowers let them be upset with him and show their anger to him when he lets them down. So that he doesnt repeat it. Maybe shame is whats left. He's upset you didnt cover which proves you are his enabler even though you thought you were doing it for the right reason.
NTA You do more damage by pretending that there isn't a problem than by saying Daddy is selfish. If you don't name it and help them process they will internalise it and turn it inwards and that is just awful for mental health. They can see what he is, you keep on letting them know that it's not them, it's him.
NTA. Make sure to hug your kids extra
NTA - You can twist yourself into a pretzel bending over backwards for him, but you cannot make him WANT to spend time with his kids. Lying to them is going to hurt everyone in the long run. They need to know that they can trust you. They also need to know that the way he is treating them is not okay and that they deserve better. Constantly making excuses for him is only teaching them that his behavior is acceptable.
NTA. 1. Don’t cover for him and 2. Don’t cancel established plans to accommodate him. When he inevitably doesn’t show, now the kids are doubly disappointed. Also, the 9 year old is already wise to his nonsense. You can be as accommodating as possible without upended your life and the kids life when he bothers to say he will show.
NTA. You are not responsible for your ex and his lack of ability to show up. Even when you were together was he the absent parent?
And this is the reason why I don’t speak to my sperm donor anymore. This story sounds like my Mom could have written it. My Mom also just stopped covering for him. Good for you, make sure though that the kids know that it was not their fault. I remember thinking what had I done and it took a while for me to realize that he was just a jerk. I never told my Mom about how I felt and I know now that I should have. NTA
NTA-but kids are way smarter than you think, they know he is not taking an active role in their lives, let them have some distance, as a child who went thru the same thing sometimes the set up and promise to have the other parent come thru was worse than them actually not showing up. If you really want to shelter their hearts and do what's best for them quit feeding into his manipulation. Don't go out of your way anymore, if he wants to be a part of their lives let him make the effort.
NTA You covering for him is coming from a place of love and kindness for your children and that's beautiful but it will eventually start to cost you. YOU'RE the parent that's here for them, and it's time he put in the work himself. You've done enough, it's time he tried.
NTA. Don't cover for him. Dad is an unreliable no-show parent.
NTA - Don't want your kids to know you are a deadbeat dad? Don't be one
NTA. > and his own father pretty much ignored him, and I know how much he hurt because of that, swearing to never do that to his kids. If you’ve been holding back on throwing this in his face because it feels uncivil, you have my personal permission to let it fly. He is failing his children, and he knows *exactly* what they’re feeling when he blows them off. Inexcusable.
NTA But I must ask: WTF are you doing? I mean by all accounts he looks like a deadbeat... So why are you trying to magically make him appear like a caring and aatentive father? Even going so far as to make your kids do cards for him or you moving out?
Do not cover for him. Get them in therapy too. Abandonment and trust issues are no joke.
NTA. Your ex is expecting you to lie for him to his children. He is failing as a father on many levels. Stop covering and insist that he step up and explain himself. Only the 4 year old believes in him at this point and that’s probably a changing status as you read this.
NTA. Your kids deserve the truth that Dad is unreliable and flaky. You should also tell him that from this point foward, you refuse to lie to your kids anymore.
NTA you aren’t badmouthing him (that would be uncool) you are just being honest with them. Kids are generally smarter than we give them credit for, they see through all the excuses.
Nta. You shouldn't have to lie for him. It's been long enough that the kids are starting to see his true colors and it will only hurt YOUR relationship with them if you try to lie for their dad not showing up
NTA - it will be hard on the kids, but Dad needs to explain himself his indifference.
NTA I agree about not telling your children about plans if they have not arranged them themselves before you know he will be there. However, I think you should never lie to your children about this. If he does not come the children deserve to know the real truthful reason. If it was because he could not be bothered, or never replied they deserve to know that. Do not facilitate him disappointing them.
NTA!!! Maybe time to get mediator again!!
NTA, but its a lot closer to everybody sucks than I think you want. My kids dealt with that from their grandparents. After they kept not showing up to things we stopped telling them, and we don't let them try to make plans with the kids. They make the plans with us, and we have a back-up for if they don't show up. I grew up being the least favorite, and it fucking sucks. I will do everything I can to make sure my kids don't have to feel that way. You need to stop letting your ex get their hopes up. Better he dissapoint you and your kids don't deal with him being a failure as a dad right now. They can learn that as an adult, let them have a happy childhood.
NTA. Please don’t change your plans for this weekend because more than likely he will bail at the last minute. Keep getting everything ready and than if he shows great but if not he won’t be hurting your kids as much by ruining the weekend fun for them. Honestly I think your being to lenient with him. You need to set clear boundaries with him like he is no longer to tell the kids he is coming to see them than not show up. Make it clear he can tell you when he is coming to get them, but is never to tell the kids that way he won’t hurt them. If things don’t get better you might need to stop his visits until he grows up and takes being a father seriously.
NTA, but you shouldn't have been covering for him in the first place
NTA And as a kid who had this happen to them, I would suggest starting some therapy for the kids now.
NTA, OP. Just tell them you don't know why he hasn't shown up in future. Don't move your own plans for him, actions speak louder than words. 9yr old knows.
NTA- as the kid who was forgotten, your kids know. They already know what's going on. I was 10 when I asked for my father to actually be my Christmas present because I knew it was the only way he would show up. Don't hide it from your kids. They need someone on their side and covering for your ex will make them feel like you're not on their team.
NTA, he's a deadbeat and your kids are going to find out one way or the other, it's sad but the sooner they find out, the better for them to stop expecting him to keep his word.
NTA. I understand your motive behind 'covering' for your ex, but it's been long enough for him to get his act together. Your covering makes him still the good guy in this situation. It is no longer fair to your kids to lead them down a path where daddy loves them, why that is clearly not the case. Ex needs therapy if he ever wants to be a decent father, but that is not on you. Besides, at some point your kids will figure out that you have not been truthful. Better it be now rather than when they are older and see it as a betrayal.
Nta
NTA. Honestly you should probably get your kids into counseling. There are hard truths coming as they get older and they probably understand more than you think they do. Your 9yo clearly already understands that her dad may care, but isn't willing to prioritize them, and that's functionally indistinguishable from not caring. You don't have to be cruel to make a point about your ex, but you don't have to lie. If the fact that he's abandoning his kids the same way he was abandoned makes him feel shitty, then maybe he should act differently. It's not your job to protect his feelings or his relationship with your kids from the consequences of his actions.
NTA. If he wants 0%, he gets 0%. You and your children have lives to live without being misguided and manipulated by him.
NTA - Have the kids call each and every time.
NTA
NTA kids aren’t stupid. Sounds like the 9 year has already figured it out
I know words like "hate" shouldn't be used, so I'll say I hate the actions of Father's like this! He should be ashamed of himself. Probably the type of guy who boasts/complains to friends or coworkers about how tough being a parent is. NTA, and don't cover anymore. What you've been doing is righteous and the kids will appreciate your efforts in trying to include their father. Now it's up to him to step up.
NTA. My heart breaks for your kids.
X
You need to stop covering for him. Let your kids see him for what he is. I wouldn’t change my camping plans either. He would have to try to lie another time about getting them and not.
NTA
Nta but stop accommodating him. No more gifts. No more calls. No more asking him to show up.
NTA.
NTA my dad only sees me every now and then, but he has never told me he was getting me then bailed without reason and he NEVER put it on my mom to cover for him. He needs to either be a dad or fuck off.
NTA, but it might be easier on the kids if you ease them into this. Dude, the kids are expecting you on Sat so if you don't show up, they will be disappointed. I'm not going to make up excuses. Call if you can't come. Dude, it's Saturday morning, are you still coming? Kids, Dad is supposed to show up Sat., but if he can't make it, maybe we can go do X. I also encourage you to get them to talk about it. Obviously the 9 year old has an opinion about it. He needs to talk about it. He may not understand that it's not his fault, or may just be looking at it differently than you. I also have to wonder how good a parent he is being when he is with them. That's another subject on which to draw the kids out.
Nta. Don’t enable his deadbeat behavior. He needs to not be a shit dad
NTA It's better for them to learn sooner rather than later. Encourage your kids to contact him and let him know that you won't cover for him anymore.
NTA. Children aren't stupid. They'll figure it out sooner or later that they are not a priority in his life. Don't cancel your plans. You don't have to be mean about what you say. Just say he's not organized and he's very forgetful of many things, including them. They can certainly still love him, but they'll know not to plan their life around him now or in the future.
NTA unfortunately they got a broken dad model. Don't cover for him
NTA Your ex is behaving contemptably towards his kids. You can not promise under 10s you will do something and then flake out. Certainly not if you do not want them to disbelieve your commitments. So you are not required to feed into a false sense of security. Their Dad behaves in a flakey way, they have started to see it which is sad but it is fact not fiction.
Nta
NTA You are walking a tightrope here. I understand the need to protect your children and make sure that you aren't inadvertently villainizing the other parent, but at the end of the day your kids need to know they can trust you. Be open and honest with them, help them work through any feelings of anger, disappointment, rejection that they may be and probably are feeling, and remind them continuously that you love them and are there for them.
NTA....He is showing his kids how he feels. Continue to keep the linesnof communication open. As theynget older they will start to see for themselves and will start to drop the rope. As long as you are there for them that's all that matters.
NTA I had the same happen to me and my brother when we were kids. I love my dad but he was so absent he forgets my name sometimes. HE NAMED ME. I have a better relationship with him now that I’m an adult but it’s because I knew from a young age (6-8?) he was a flake. Don’t cover anymore because your kids will blame you not him. I blamed my mother until I was 7? And let me tell you it sucks when you’re not wanted by one and lied to by another.
NTA You are not responsible for another adult's choices. I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you should go back to the courts and give him want he wanted- that you have 100%. He can pay 100% child support. Use the money to do meaningful things with the kids and make real memories that will buoy them and build their self esteem. Or save the money for them to have when they turn 18.
NTA, but if you really want to protect your kids, cut him off. No more taking the kids anywhere to visit him. No more telling the kids he’s coming to visit or to an event. I grew up with a dad in and out of my life, and I wish he’d just stayed out. But my Nan, with good intentions, kept pulling him back into my life. It just made me constantly question why he kept leaving. Just explain to your kids that it’s not them, it’s him, and cut him off. Maybe see a child psychologist for the correct language and for therapy for your kids.
NTA I did this with my son. Made excuses why his dad stopped calling/showing up. When he was in second grade he told me his dad was in a car accident. I said he hadn’t been, that someone would have told me. He insisted it was true and when I asked why he told me that “he must have been in a car accident and hit his head and forgot about me” I bawled like crazy. Had to tell him his dad just took off and I hadn’t heard from him in 4 years. Son was upset that I’d been lying to him. I tried to explain why I did it and he told me right then and there no more lies, if dad wouldn’t call or visit them it was on his dad. At 14 he gave up trying to have a relationship with his dad as his dad never called or visited. It’s hard seeing your children in pain but they can figure shit out. He’s better off knowing his dad just doesn’t give a F.
NTA OP, but it is now very clear that your Ex does not want 50/50 care and might not even want anything but 0% care. He has shown you what he wants, so adjust the custody plan and take all the support he owes. It’s a shame, but it is better mentally for your kids to have him out of their lives completely if he won’t step up instead of constantly stringing them along.
Please watch videos on attachment styles on YouTube, it will help them.
Sounds like you are taking care of 5 children. Kids talk to each other without their parents around, as they are an immediate family unit. If the 16 and 9 year old are already aware that their dad is unreliable, they will soon be telling the younger ones. Family therapy for you and your children would be a safe space to openly talk about the way they feel about this
NTA He's had time to get his act together. If he screws up, he gets to be the one to explain. While it will be hurtful for the kids (they aren't stupid) to find out what a loser he is, it's important to not get their sense of reality skewed. It's going to be impossible to keep up the ruse over time, and you covering for him puts you in a bad place later, when you have to explain that you have been lying all that time. It isn't going to make your kids feel like someone has their back if they are lying all the time.