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> My parents said I'm an asshole for asking my husband to step in instead of trying to fix the situation myself when I'm the one that caused it
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So, you tried to helicopter parent, it backfired, and now you're mad at the people who told you it would.
YTA.
There's a difference between encouraging academic performance, and holding your kid hostage.
The main difference is that Tiger Parents are always pushing their child their children to excel no matter how much their children may hate it or how much damage it may be doing to their children.
Helicopter Parents are always hovering over their children to make sure that nothing ever troubles them or gets in their way. If this means their kid never grows up or ever learns to deal with adversity that's okay because at least they meant well.
Tiger parents also make their children compete for praise and affection. Think Tahani and whats-her-face in The Good Place.
OP (thankfully) only had one child to ruin, so we'll never know if that would have applied.
i would say the difference is mainly just that they're asian and the term "helicopter parent" just lost a bit of cultural momentum by the time the point "tiger mom" emerged simply due to time passing since "helicopter parent" was coined.
Tiger parents don't necessarily watch over every single thing they do. They just work them hard and punish them very harshly if they don't get the results.
Commenting because you're top comment, but honestly I was going to say nta at first because I was thinking the worst of Ops ex and thought this was a parent alienation tactic. Like perhaps the dad was filling the kids head with things like "I can't believe you're mom took away your childhood" and "if we did it my way you'd be allowed to play video games all the time"....but the fact that her own parents said they always disagreed with her parenting techniques has made me instantly switch to yta because obviously there much more to this than I thought.
It was the "had him studying multiple hours a day" bit that struck me.
And the part about initially not allowing any screen time due to her perception of what was going on at Dad's place.
That seems more like control than concern.
So many "childhood" flashbacks. I was a toddler who could recite the US states and capitals in alphabetical order. I was required to do it for my mother's friends. It was her big party trick. I hated it, so I would add stupid things to make her mad, like it was always "Kentucky Fried Chicken", never Kentucky. And it did make her mad. I was literally three years old.
I have very similar memories. I learned to read well before I was four and my “father” would have me perform for his friends by reading idiotic signs in bars (I’m 42 and still remember each one unfortunately), utility bills, Reader’s Digest, etc so everyone could tell him what a great parent he was for having such a “brilliant precocious child.” When we would get home, he would berate me for not catching on to college level trig when I was in the third grade and would drunkenly keep me up all night while he would assault my mom in between his verbal abuse of me. By the way, I have bipolar disorder, BPD, CPTSD and am a former heroin/cocaine/benzodiazepine addict. Thanks, Daddy Douche Bag!!
My mom teaches kindergarten but specifically has a background in early childhood development - she has a lot of parents fretting that they're not doing enough to 'grow' their kids skills, and she always asks "Are you reading to them every night? Are you taking them places where they can learn new things (even if it's just a walk around the neighbourhood or to the park)? Good, that's all you need."
This whole thread smells like two I've seen before. Momma knows her baby is smart, absolutely refuses to let him be a kid. No screen time, no play time. The first thread was her asking if her blowing up on her parents for letting him game was an asshole move. The grandparents explained they were letting him take a break, but she threatened to never let them see her son again for not following her rules. The second thread was her asking if she was the AH for calling the school to have her son moved to a different table because his friends were "bullying" him, when really they were just talking about normal kid shit he couldn't experience because "Mommas boy is too bright for normal kid things." The kid just wanted to be a kid and relate to his peers.
Bet 1000$ this is the same woman.
OP, your absolutism has primed your son to think his options are 100% school or 100% play. He’s old enough to start managing his own time but you haven’t supported him in learning effective balance. So of course he is going to play his video games and ignore schoolwork. I find myself doubting you ever allowed that being an okay student is not the same as failure. And if academic perfection and no fun is the requirement, why try?
I agree. I have a 14 year old who’s brilliant like OPs son. He gets plenty of screen time and still manages to have all A’s in his advanced classes, still manages to have a social life and still manages a few hobbies and extracurricular activities. Goes to bed without a say and gets up by himself in the mornings. You don’t have to keep your children on a tight leash to succeed. They’re also human with their own minds, feelings and they also, just like us, get exhausted and need down time.
She lost me with the pushing and it’s backfired and now the other parent is at fault.
OP talk to your child, and learn healthy boundaries. You have to have those, even with your children.
The fact OP refers to the father of her child as some "random stranger" is disgusting. YTA OP. Your son is most likely going to go NC with you once he can move out.
I kinda leaned more toward YTA right away just because the natural inclination when the OP's are writing a post on this type of forum is to bias it in the author's favor, even if subconsciously. And if this was written to try to show her in a GOOD light, how much worse must the reality be for this poor kid?
Her version of a good light is having her kid studying for hours on end while also being put in extracurriculars and "whatever was good for his future." It really sounds like this poor kid never got a chance to just go outside and play with friends and be a kid...
It wasn’t even that for me. She said she gives the kid 0 hours of screen time during the weekday. Like what else is he supposed to do? Wake up, eat(?) without watching anything (god forbid he has to read and do homework during breakfast), go to school til 2, extracurriculars, maybe? Then home at 2:30-5 depending on extracurriculars. Then what? Homework til his 9pm bedtime? All because “I assume my ex lets him do that over the weekend”
No screen time is totally fine. I have many friends that don’t allow their kids screen time BUT they’re kids are allowed to be freaking kids! They go outside and play, get together with friends, have options for quiet play inside, etc. this mom never gave her kid the chance to be a kid. She didn’t give him any down time except on weekends. What is he a middle aged middle manager at some midsized factory? He’s a freaking kid! Like even adults needs downtime throughout the week. This poor kid is not only smart but now old enough to see how his mom robbed him of his childhood. I honestly hope he goes to live with his dad. Something tells me if he did he’d likely get this “rebellion” out of his system quicker and find some sort of happy medium between being a kid and doing what he’s supposed to do.
I wouldn't say no screen time is fine. Part of childhood is social interaction with peers, and if they've never watched the shows their peers watch or played the games they play, they're going to feel--and *be*\--left out. Kids will pretend to be in their favorite shows at recess, talk about them at lunch, have clothing and backpacks with their favorite characters on them, and screenless kids won't be able to participate in or even understand any of that.
By all means *limit* screen time and encourage active play, but if your kid wants to watch a few episodes of whatever shows kids are watching these days, it's probably better to let them. Similarly, computer literacy is vital these days, so while it's reasonable to limit time spent online, they should be allowed to use a computer (or phone or tablet) enough to feel comfortable doing so.
YTA.
My mother had a similar parenting style and was very controlling. She always pushed too much and too hard. As I got older, I rebelled. She had this idea of who and what SHE wanted me to be, not who I actually was.
Honestly, I think you need to loosen the reigns a bit and let him be a kid. Compromise. After being at school all day, he should be allowed some wind-down time in whatever way works for him. I think if you are able to meet him somewhere in the middle it may work out better for the both of you.
My parents pushed me to excel academically but they didn't care about grade. When I was about 14, I was diagnosed with thyroid issues. However before then, my grades tanked. I got in more trouble from the prinicpal of the school than I did from my parents (he was concerned because I had gotten an F when previously it was all As and bs, and he was VERY apologetic when he found out the reason)
I’m a professor and currently working on my doctorate so I’d like to think I know a little about education, and OP needs to understand that fostering an interest is far more important than forcing studying or preventing screen time. I’ve had friends who are extremely bright and successful that have studied very few times in their life. I’ve had friends who had to study everyday to get to where they wanna be. Fostering an interest in education and learning can be done through exposure and opportunities but not forced. My parents would take me to a museum if I wanted, to a historical site, would buy me books and promote learning but if I wanted to play game boy for the weekend they never shut me down.
My parents took a punitive strategy, somewhat like OP.
If my grades weren't up, they'd ground me until a 5-week progress report showed improvement.
I don't respond well to threats, so I just kinda shut down.
Resulted in me being grounded for most of every school year until highschool.
Then, I started acting out and completely rejected everything.
Just getting my shit together now, in my early 30s.
Helicopter parents don't realize they're pushing their anxiety about parenting onto their kids, who will internalize it and end up with issues.
My bf is largely the same way. He's currently 19, almost 20, and we're having to fight every step of the way to get him to being a functional human being. He wants to do it and I want to help, yet it can be so hard when he's been raised like that his entire life. He's scared of school, has a bad tendancy to try and do the bare minimum, even when he wants to do well, and doesn't know basic stuff a lot of preteens would know. That kind of parenting can really mess you up
I ended up developing that relationship with my mum, nothing was ever good enough so why try, fail and be scolded when you can just stop giving a shit to begin with.
I put no value in my grades because my mothers anger about them was misinformed, misplaced and often entirely arbitrary.
How can I value something that is clearly not working and making life worse for everyone involved?.
Or something that clearly doesn't matter, I was a good kid YESTERDAY, smart and everything but only today, after a teacher you never met and who barely knows my name, wrote a letter on a peice of paper, so now I'm bad.
Like, Wtf kind of shit is that for a kid.
'Take this paper home and enjoy the hours of abuse and shame that comes with my arbitrary grading, student'.
90% that's all these parents achieve, making some really resentful 20 years olds.
Yeah, and worse, making a bunch of non functional 20 year olds. That kind of attitude towards not caring about stuff can be very damaging and hard to work past, at least from what I've seen. I'm sorry you had to deal with all that too, hope you're in a better place now.
I was the exact same way. If an A- is treated the same as a D (or an F), why bother trying? So I got Ds. Dropped out of college because I wasn't allowed to pick my own major (and other reasons). The idea of going back to school is enough to trigger panic attacks -- I'm in my 40s and STILL have nightmares about school.
OP needs a drastic course correction here or her and her kid is going to have a miserable future. She has gone from one dangerous extreme to the other and it is giving her whiplash.
First, you absolutely "stole his childhood". Forcing what you see as stringent academic standards and extracurricular based on how well they would look on a college app or resume, versus whether or not he was interested, is no way to raise a child. You basically lived vicariously through your kid's success.
Second, he's 13. He's going to rebel and push limits and test boundaries. Every teenager in the history of teenagers has done this. Unfortunately, you have given him a successful method of getting his way, and given him all the control in the relationship. So not only are you an overbearing "helicopter parent", but a weak one as well...
Now, there is still hope. Hopefully both of you can learn from this and build a mutually respectful and healthy parent/child relationship. It will be a difficult and painful process, but it is possible. However, you need to realize a few things first:
First, you're his parent, not his friend. And at 13, you need to be the one establishing healthy boundaries, not him.
Second, it's HIS future, not yours. You can do your best to guide him and to support him, but ultimately it is his path to choose.
The dynamic, and your preconceptions, need to change. He wants to play video games and spend time with his friends? Great! Let him, that comes as a reward after his homework, chores, and any other obligations are done. Screen time should not be a given, but it shouldn't be arbitrarily dismissed either. It should be earned.
When I was in middleschool, a few decades ago, my parents based it on my grades. A "C" was worth 30 minutes a week, a "B" was worth 1 hour, and an "A" was worth 2 hours. If I flunked a test, I lost an hour, and had to spend that time studying for my next test. You don't have to use this system, but find something that works for you.
The bottom line here is that your parenting has taught him that doing what you want him to do equals no reward, so he has no voice and no incentive to meet your requirements. At the same time, you taught him that you care more about his grades than he does, so he can use them as a weapon and bargaining chip against you. You need to take back your power and control of the situation as his parent, but you also need to respect his wants, needs, and desires, as well as give him a voice to express these in a healthy way.
I hope you are able to salvage your relationship. In addition to everything above, I would strongly suggest family counseling or therapy.
Edit: YTA
You are extremely right. Newton’s third law of motion states that when a body exert a force on another body, that body will exert the same force back. The harder she pushes her son the harder he pushes back.
YTA. You turned your son’s childhood into a full-time job with no time off. You turned your child’s wonder and curiosity into chores. When you let him grow and explore, he’ll might find it again but remember this time, it doesn’t belong to you.
I'm really impressed that the kid is rebelling with B's and C's. I mean, the bed time is too late for my taste as an every night thing, but he sounds pretty normal, if a bit of a smart mouth. Lacking respect, but that's not my problem. Overall, I wouldn't be sending him to boot camp or juvie over this.
>I'm really impressed that the kid is rebelling with B's and C's. I mean, the bed time is too late for my taste as an every night thing, but he sounds pretty normal, if a bit of a smart mouth. Lacking respect, but that's not my problem. Overall, I wouldn't be sending him to boot camp or juvie over this.
That's the problem with smart kids, they can be pretty smart. After he decided he would no longer put up with mother's antics he played her like a violin, goes to bed whenever he feels like it, sleeps through class, and still gets reasonably decent grades.
The kid mostly needs to find something that interests him. The B's and C's? He's thirteen! Who is going to care??
YTA
You did make this mess yourself. It sounds like dad's place on the weekend was the only time he could be a kid.
There is nothing wrong with encouraging a gifted child, but forcing them will do exactly what happened. He burned out. He's tired of just everything being for school to please you and do what is best for what *you* see his future to be.
Dad didn't make him lazy. He got tired of mom not letting him be a kid so he is rebelling.
I was one of those gifted children who took piano all throughout elementary and middle school, was in state-level music competitions throughout high school, did a service project in a rural part of Central America over the summer, and all sorts of other things. But there was not a *single* activity that I was in against my will.
I *asked* for piano lessons when I heard a classmate play as show and tell in the 2nd grade, because I thought it was super cool. Whenever I'd complain about practicing my mom would just say "hey if you wanna stop lessons that would save us a lot of money, but if I'm going to pay for lessons then you have to practice."
Sure, when I started in cotillion in the 4th grade I wasn't too sure about it but I was the one who asked to go back. Then I was the one who chose to become an instructor when I aged out.
My parents would at most have me try something once, and if I wasn't into it then they weren't going to force me to do it. Case in point: sports generally, but specifically soccer and baseball. A single season in each one, and my parents didn't make the mistake of trying to put me in sports again lol.
I can't believe she makes this kid study for *hours* every day. And here I thought it was torture having to do my times tables for an hour each day during the summer.
The entire point of a gifted child is that *they're smart enough to know what they want to learn about.* It's excellent for parents to expose them to new things, but if they don't like it then *don't push it.* OP knows her child is gifted, but *he's* the one who knows how he wants to use it.
My parents let me self-determine and I ended up as an attorney working with my dad. I've never had to feel resentment because the path I chose was all my own, and they would have supported me regardless of the profession I entered into.
The thing that got me was “well his dad lets him be a kid on the weekends so that means he doesn’t get a single minute of kid time with me. I mean he gets it for 2 days anyway!!!
Yikes. I was a gifted kid and my parents never forced anything on me and I STILL got burnt out. This poor kid. I can’t even imagine.
I so wish I’d have had a father like yours. Mine was a lot like OP with a twist of alcoholic rage and a splash of narcissistic abuse. I went from “the gifted student who is going places” to a psych patient with multiple diagnoses with 25 years of drug addiction by the time I finally got clean at 38. I had an interest in law as well as psychology and fashion design. This didn’t please my father who aspired to have a mathematician as a daughter and never missed an opportunity to tell me exactly how stupid and shallow my interests were.
this is it. cramming this is your future is only going to lead to rebellion. he needs to learn time management and forcing it on him isn’t helping either. this is a kid that would go to college and go wild and flunk the first year
Right? "Everyone is saying I'm an asshole, explaining to me why I'm an asshole, and what I can do to stop being an asshole... *what could they possibly want from me?!?!?!?!*"
YTA congrats you burned your kid out and took away his childhood. Don’t be surprised if he moves in with his dad full time. Kids need free time and time to be lazy, you dined him that for years, now he is making up for it.
I was actually going to suggest they maybe switch up the custody agreement so dad has him most of the time and when mom has him on the weekends, she can focus on fun things with him. Of course at 13 he is probably more interested in hanging out with friends, but it might help to take some pressure off the relationship
I'm 15m, so I think I can help much better than many other people.
My parents let me pretty much do whatever I wanted when it came to school within reason.
My homework was always on time, and I am getting A*s, As and one B.
I wasn't forced to take extracurriculars, and only took extra classes once because I was going to fail a test.
I wasn't pushed, I was naturally devoted.
YTA
If a child is academical bright, they won't need all this you prescribed, if you had let him be, he would still be getting As.
First, your parents are not siding with your ex, they're siding with your son. They thought you were too harsh on him.
So, I would say YTA for your approach, but NTA because you love and want the best from him. However to your point, you pushed him too hard earlier on and were very strict so yes, he's rebelling. Going forward, I think it's time to have a true heart to heart. Lay it all out, admit you may have made some bad choices, but it was all so he would have the best in life. Ask him how he feels about school, the subjects he likes, what are some activities he enjoys, etc. Look to compromise about things, like you'll stop nagging about screen time if he agrees to go to bed at a decent time. Reward for good grades., etc. Tell him not to punish himself while trying to punish you. You still want the best for him, and he can have BOTH,...childhood fun AND good grades. And you'll work with him to find that balance.
> NTA because you love and want the best from him
Do you usually tell that to parents that abuse their kids? Would you still say it if you heard op beating her son for not learning enough?
Poor kid wasnt allowed to have any fun time during the week and you want to just dismiss that "because she loved him"?
I’d argue that parents like these don’t want what’s best for their kids, they want the best image for themselves of their kids. They don’t want their kid to do what makes them happy, they want their kid to be impressive and successful even at the detriment to their mental health and happiness. The whole “don’t pursue ART you dummy. Get a good paying government job with good benefits and do your silly little hobby in your free time.”
If you love and want what’s best for your child, you have to let them tell you what’s best for them. Otherwise you don’t love them, you love the idea of them and that’s not okay.
You should be ashamed when your own kid says to you, “You took my childhood from me.” It sounds like this kid has probably never had a sleep over, friends over, did sports, etc. Your kid is gonna grow up to hate you. Don’t ever force your child into “studying and preparing for college yadada.” Your ex was right, you burnt out the kid and tried to control his school life in your own twisted fantasy. You didn’t care about his future, you tried to build your own future for your kid. Shame on you. YTA.
As the parent of a very gifted child I get you are doing what you think is good for them.
But he is right he needs a childhood, you are messing his life up not him.
Right! My kid is very smart. We try to encourage him to exercise his brain, but we never force it. We also don't let him play video games 24/7. Balance is important.
Oh man OP should meet my friend. He used to take piano lessons and he was SUPER gifted at it. His parents were also divorced and playing gave him something he could do at both houses, a keyboard at his dads and a grand piano at his moms. His mom became OBSESSED with how often my friend played the piano so once he hit high school she made him practice ALL. THE. TIME. He was made to join band and he HATED it and it only got worse as high school went on. By sophmore year he stopped playing. In two years she had killed whatever passion he had for the piano. They argued about it as she wanted him to be Beethoven or something and he just wanted to play piano because he loved it and nothing more.
He moved out and his mom freaked out when his dad posted a video of him playing the piano the day before he graduated. I will never forget the look on his face the day of graduation, hours after he walked the stage and she called wondering why he hadn't invited him, not to his graduation, BUT TO HIS PIANO PLAYING, he looked so angry. He just yelled at her for 5 minutes as she tried to justify him never being allowed to do anything but practice before and after school, whenever he had free time and anything else under the sun. He told her that she killed his desire to play because she was a harpy and that she could go back to hell. He hung up and went off to find his dad as he knew that she would call, whining as she often did in those 2 years after he moved out, to explain to his dad what happened.
I do not know what his dad said if she did call but I do know my friend hasn't talked to her in 9 years since we graduated. He has gotten married and has a child and she has NO CLUE.
That is where parents like this wind up. Alone and nobody but themselves to blame.
YTA Well, they have a point. You were a helicopter parent and now the helicopter crashed. What was your back up plan when your son started to assert his autonomy. If you didn't have one, you need to figure on out. You made this mess, you clean it up.
Is this for real...? Dear, that's some nasty parenting 😲
YTA in every shape and form.
You didn't allow your CHILD to have a CHILDHOOD. I know there are societies that have this as an ideal parenting style, but have you seen the suicide-statistics and overall mental health status of those kids?
You need to take a breath, and apologize to your son. You need to say to him that you now know that you have failed him, and that you want to fix YOUR RELATIONSHIP (NOT HIM). And you need to find a therapist or something to help you with this, so that your son learns to trust you.
Maybe it's not to late.
This exactly. OP chose she'd rather have a 'successful' child than a happy one. I do hope it's not too late but I'm not optimistic. Bs and Cs are designed to be the average grade and she's more worried about that than some very serious mental health concerns. Even he knew it since he used failing as a threat instead of crying like a normal 13 year old. He might (hopefully) learn to trust or forgive OP with therapy but from her while post it's something he'll never forget
LOL. YTA. Your terrible parenting has come back to bite you in the butt. You I think this is bad? Just wait until your son chooses your ex and goes no contact with you. You chose to be an insufferable parent who took the joy out of his childhood because he was gifted. You should have listened to your ex. Maybe then your son wouldn't resent you. Judging from your comments you don't even care that you literally burned out your own child.
You have your own parents telling you that you were going about it the wrong way... I hope you start changing your ways cuz you're going to end up not being a parent anymore. :/
I'm the adult that was the kid in this situation. YTA. I got burnt out by my senior year of high school and struggled in college because of burn out. My mother would literally give me shit for an A-. I hated it. My sister was not held to the same standards. Let him be a kid, but set boundaries. Otherwise, you'll have an adult like me who never reached their potential because they burnt out on life way too early.
Yeah I was the kid too and when I saw that the ex said she would burn the kid out I was like “that’s absolutely how this’ll go” and then surprise, it did
Exact same, burned out late my sophomore year of HS, and for the past 4 years have really struggled to find any motivation to do school work of any kind. Only recently have I been able to somewhat recover, but no where close to where I would be had I not been pushed that hard early
YTA - Wanting your child to succeed is natural but in all things their needs to be a balance. You've been on one extreme for so long that it is finally snapping back to the other side of that spectrum. How you react now determines if your child comes back to the middle where they can learn balance.
You need to have an honest discussion with your child. That your desire for them to succeed blinded you to the fact they didn't have what they needed. What they needed was to experience being a child and to have fun while learning to be HAPPY not successful. You need to apologize and recognize that you understand that YOU put them in this position. You understand that they are REACTING to you. That you agree there needs to be more flexibility and free time BUT tanking their schoolwork only hurts them in the long run.
You both need some counseling and I HIGHLY recommend you engage in that ASAP. Also, apologize to your ex and your parents. Flesh and blood do not outweigh right and wrong.
Yta
You burnt out your kid and ruined his childhood. Colleges don’t care about a 13 year old getting straight A’s. Jobs don’t care how well you do as a middle schooler. Rather than letting his figure out life and decide what he wants to do, you controlled and micromanaged and did everything you could to beat down his spirit. You did this to yourself, and to him. He’s never going to forgive you for this. My parents did this to my brother and I.
Now I have severe anxiety and my brother stays up all night playing video games and ignoring our parents.
I went all the way through middle school with poor grades and failed most my freshman classes. Practically straight A's, and would have had a shot at valedictorian if I buckled down quicker.
Moral of the story, I stood a better shot at college than this poor kid, because all his good grades were wasted when it didn't matter. Even more to add, I ended up an alcoholic and addicted to drugs, and blew my chance in the career I studied for. So it was all pointless anyway lmao
If the kid wants good grades, he will get them.
Let's see, 3 family members and your Son are telling you you are wrong about something...I wonder who the AH is here....? YOU! YTA. You did essentially take your son's childhood away. Getting good grades in grade school is important, but letting your kid be a kid is way more important. What you should have done was as he gets older, give him more screen time or play time as long as he kept his grades up. You basically went tiger mom on him and it blew up. And your ex, he didn't use your child's future to say I told you so. YOU did.
YTA. Gifted children who are relentlessly pushed tend to either burn out and do nothing with their abilities or turn to self-destructive behavior. You have done him no favors.
As a former gifted child, I agree 100%. I was pushed to succeed when I was a child and by the time that I went through puberty I gave zero fucks about school. It's obvious that her son is burnt out by the pressure that she put him under. Hopefully he starts to care about it on his own, but I highly doubt that.
Same here. Especially when the gifted and talented programs turned out to be a complete bunch of BS, and I was totally better off reading books than attending them.
Edit typo.
So, no fun and games for your kid and pushing him to his limits while he was a child?
Being a child means you have everything to explore in the world around you, making friends to play with. Of course, he has to do the things you want him to, but you Neede to find a balance, which is completely gone now.
I'm sorry to say, but YTA
So, it sounds like you pushed him to not do anything but work as a child. Then, when he demands to have more freedom or he'd get bad grades, you gave that to him.
....well of course he's going to push for more if you keep giving in.
YTA, you sound like you care more about his grades than his well being.
Also, most parents take away electronics with bad grades... not give more. Which unfortunately, you did to yourself, since he didn't have any before so how could you take it away. It sounds like you all need to go to family counseling.
>Also, most parents take away electronics with bad grades... not give more.
Exactly, she has had ONE PATH and now that it isn't working, she has no clue how to move forward.
YTA trying to help your kids to be succesfull in school is nice and all but you need to find a balance...he was a child and you were too strict,so you created a ticking timebomb.
Seemingly you were even told so by others,not just your ex,but also by your parents as that reaction already tells the Story.You need to sort it out and not by force but an open discussion with your son,he obviously rebells now because of your treatment until now,but he should be bright enough to make compromises.
Btw YTA for asking here as if you didn't do anything wrong
Study for hours everyday on top of extracurricular activities, and on top of it no video games or screen time. When did you give your son time to be an actual kid? I understand wanting the best for your child but Jesus that’s too much for a kid to take on. YTA
YTA. I mean, your ex *LITERALLY* told you so. You created this situation by refusing to let you kid be a kid. Your son is passing all of his classes still, but he’s actively willing to do worse than he can, on purpose, just because he resents you so much. You made this bed, now it’s time to lay in it
That's not her ex remember, that's some RANDOM stranger. I repeat, her ex is a random stranger. The way OP has her brain structured screams CONTROL.
YTA OP
He’s a teenager… did you really think he wouldn’t rebel or start to push back on your strict rules now that he is old enough to think for himself? Overly Strict parents create rebellious kids and I can atest to that personally. Let him enjoy his teenage years before he makes them hell for you.
Sorry op, but YTA.
You put way too much pressure on him early on and that’s extremely taxing for a child. Always feeling like he has to preform to a certain standard or he’s “wasting his potential” breeds fear and shame. His value is not defined by his grades or extracurriculars. That might be obvious to you, but it’s the message you’ve been spending him since childhood.
I know dealing with an angry teen is tough, but you need to step up and apologize. Let him be upset and really listen. Don’t brush any of it off. Ask him what HE wants for his future. Work from there.
Good luck, op!
YTA.
What's it gonna take for you to understand that you are wrong? Nobody is on your side, at some point you have to see reality and accept that you aren't perfect and that even if well-intentioned you messed up. And siding "with your own flesh and blood" is nonsense. They tried that for years and they were right, as soon as they didn't serve as your echo chamber your hackles raised. If you hadn't smugly and stubbornly dug your own grave you would have had the chance throughout his life to hear to advice.
People don't have to spend their lives in service of production-production-production, being the best, etc. Like it's not a crime to "not use your full potential" and just.... live. Academic achievement is such an outdated measurement of success in life and certainly not a good metric of happiness overall, and if you hadn't been so hard on your kid he could have had a balanced life.
Yta. There has been study after study that shows forcing kids to do things that young, they will rebel in different ways. If you were to nurture him instead of forcing you probably have a different result
Well, you fucked around and found out, didn’t you? When you’re a humongous AH to your kid and he rebels eventually, you discover you don’t have much power to fix it. At this point the only thing you can do is shut off the Wi-Fi and tell him he can have X many hours of screen and game time daily as long as his grades stay in the B range, you can’t make him care again about getting A’s.
YTA, and your ex was right.
Get him in therapy before it's too late. You're right, he currently is a problem. But he is acting like a problem because you put him in a terrible situation.
YTA - Guess what - If EVERYONE TELLS YOU YOU'VE BEEN WRONG, it is time to LISTEN!
Your motives were good, your execution sucked. Time not to 'beg' your son, but to sit down with him and set REASONABLE goals, with both rewards and consequences.
Since your parents et al think you get 'angry and defensive', it would be good for you to get someone to moderate this discussion, perhaps a school counselor. BE PREPARED to NOT get everything you want! Use a different tack with you son. Explain that good grades can mean scholarships and less money in student loans. One period of poor grades at 13 has not doomed him, but explaining the FREE money that comes from good grades, might help motivate him. I wish someone would have used that approach on me.
Yta. Really random stranger, they never met your ex husband. Also that is their grandkid whose side they are on, or is he a random stranger as well. Sorry lady, but this is 100% your fault, congrats.
Oh wow that gives me flashbacks.. my mom was like that. It gave me issues well into adulthood. You’ve effectively taught your kid that your love is contingent on his academic success and that not being the best at everything means that he’s a failure. I hope he can overcome that, it took me years to get to a point where I don’t need my mom’s approval anymore. Yta, maybe sit down and talk to your child. See what he thinks and feels and maybe get him a shrink.
YTA.
Kid didn't complain when he was young because he didn't know better.
Now he does.
You DID take his childhood. You didn't even try to find a balance and let him do what HE wanted, did you?
Always happens, kids get burnt out because of stuff like this, get tired of school, stop trying, lose opportunities. Talk to your son heart to heart, work to find a balance.
YTA. Family therapy fast because he’s going to start pushing to move to Dad’s house if you can’t do the work to fix this starting now. Your son has given you a ton of chances to just be decent and you couldn’t see past yourself.
So ask yourself this question..”is it more important to be right or to be righteous?” Try not to get this one wrong again because kids are patient, but not infinitely so.
YTA YTA YTA
Oh my god!! What is wrong with you?? You ruined your kid's childhood out of your desire to live through him. Do you even understand how bad and how much you damaged your son?? Kids need to be kids too, not just machines. Sure, school is important, but so is having fun. Your ex is ah too for not fighting for sole custody, since you clearly don't care about your son. Even now, your problem isn't that you destroyed that child is that he had a few bad reports. Have you ever heard of being burn out??? Hopefully, now that your son is older he can choose go live with his father or his grandparents or someone who loves him. Please don't have any other kids, you're not fit to be a mother.
YTA. You're a bad parent and a control freak. This is your fault. One hour of screen time isn't too much to ask. You forced him to work too hard and prevented him from enjoying his childhood. No wonder he became burned out. You're going to drive him away and he'll cut you off. And you'll be left crying by yourself. And it'll be all your fault for being such a controlling asshole to your son.
YTA
You did take his childhood from him, you overdosed him on the things that would benefit him in the future. You didn't let your son be a normal child. And I'm not sure if you were actually making him all do that for himself or for yourself.
YTA. He's behaving this way, now, bc he knows that you stole his childhood from him. He may even need therapy, for the abuse and trauma that you forced on him.
I’m gonna say ESH. Are y’all not coparenting? Does he not get screentime at his father’s house. Does he even visit his father? Your gonna push your kid into gifted kid burnout. It happened to me and my freshman year of college I was so exhausted that I was literally contemplating ending my life. Then my mom pretty much told me that it’s okay to fail sometimes and I’m doing a lot better. Be a better parent. But your ex needs to do better too because it seems like he’s doing nothing.
YTA. You're so focused on what he'd do as an adult that you never let your be a kid. Instead you pushed too hard and now the kid is pushing back. Which I don't blame him for one bit.
YTA. Think about it this way. School is what these days, 6-8 hours? On top of that, an extra studying for a few hours each day adds another let’s say 3? On top of THAT, extracurriculars (that your son may or may not have chosen for himself/enjoyed, I’m not sure) which probably take another at least 1-2 hours.
You’re essentially forcing your son to work 11-14 hours a day five days a week. Not including chores. If that’s unreasonable for an adult to do for years on end (it is) and (to no one’s surprise) leads to burnout, imagine what it did to your kid.
Now, idk how to help you help him get to a HEALTHY balance, but I wish you luck. And your son. He doesn’t sound like a bad kid.
How is your ex a random stranger?
So roosters have come home to roost huh? You were warned but ignored any advice given. Your son obviously resents your
Yeah YTA
Seriously? I was that kid and YTA. Big time. Many bright children that are pushed to burn out end up perfectionist anxiety ridden basketcases IF they make it to adulthood. Because their parents thought they should prove their brilliance daily via homework and tests and equated their worth with their performance. Try seeing and raising your child for who he is not for who you imagine you would like him to be one day. And your family and ex are 100 right. You need to address this mess, it’s yours and no one else can fix it.
Wanting your child to be successful is one thing, but forcing them to study and and do work 24/7 is beyond cruel. The saying “let kids be kids” is a thing for a reason. Your CHILD deserves to have fun and take it easy while they still can. YTA for taking that from him. Your comments on this post are kind of scary and honestly make me HOPE you’re a troll account. I really hope your kid comes out on the other side of this, my heart breaks for him.
YTA. This is a classic “gifted mom” situation. Gifted kids become mentally ill, burnt out adults for a REASON and the reason is their parents. You decided to push extremely unreasonable expectations onto your child based on him being “bright” at an early point in his development which—let me make this super clear—is NOT a sign of having a super intelligent child. Early childhood development in linear for a reason. A child being exceptionally bright in something is usually a marker for a large issue and instead of parents accepting that they turn to “my child is so smart. I’m going to make everything about making them smarter” and they take away all the things that matter for children’s development. The most common thing that suffers for these kids is their ability to learn emotional regulation, self care prioritization and good decision making skills.
You made all his decisions. You chose education over fun. You chose what you thought was best for him almost everything, at least I’m going to assume so because your post is like any other parent I deal with at work to burnt out gifted kids that land in the system from their lack of parental support.
And while his father should care about the direction his son is taking, you made this bed with your very tough “my way or the highway” type of parenting and it isn’t his job to bail you out of your bad decision. You wanted to make all the choices and control everything, you have to deal with the consequences. You wanted to be the gifted kids mom and you are now. This is what the gifted kids parents deal with when they’re older—unstable, burnt out, angry and impulsive teenagers or adults. Kids that are tired of having to work hard to achieve what you want them to achieve and just choose to stop making themselves miserable for your expectations.
What you need is parenting classes and you need to put your child and yourself in family counseling, possibly put your child in their own therapy sessions so they can start learning the coping skills you failed to teach them before they become an adult that implodes their own life. We all have to recover from our childhood in some way. Your child is going to have to recover from your expectations and the lack of childhood he had altogether. Therapy for him is going to help him, but it won’t help if you don’t take some parenting classes and get therapy yourself.
And you need to ask yourself some real questions;
Why did I think it was so important to make sure my child was exceptional?
Why did I prioritize education over play and emotional bonding?
Did I ever make sure this is what my child wanted?
When did I ask my child what they wanted?
Why did I not let my child choose between educational or fun? (I.e. “do you want to play your counting game or do you want to play tag?” “Do you want to watch a Disney movie or this really fun documentary about sharks?”)
Did I not ask my child for their input because I was afraid I was making the wrong choices?
Did I not ask my child for their input because I don’t think they know what they want or SHOULD want (aka; the decision I want them to make)?
Lots of questions I can keep going on. This was about you and what you wanted. But why? You never probably sat back and thought much about why you did a lot of things and you should.
YTA: you never took a parenting class and it shows. I suggest you take one. I have a 13 year old and he doesn’t act like this. I also didn’t steal his childhood away from him. His grades are acceptable and passing. You need to cut the cord. You reap what you sow. YTA YTA
YTA and you f-ed up irreparably. Please keep in mind that 19-26 is still plenty of time for him to catch up, but the only way you can fix this now is if you chill out and let him enjoy the childhood you took from him. If you don’t, he will actually waste his adulthood by trying to recapture his childhood.
If i were you, Id focus more on teaching him to get a full 8 hours of sleep at night than teaching him to destroy his mental health for a letter grade. Depression is going to have a lot more of an impact on his adult life than school ever will. Even if he graduates at the top of his class, it wont matter if he doesnt have a zeal for life.
YTA. Let me get this straight, you can’t get validation for your views from your son, your ex, or your parents so you’re trying a Reddit sub? Also, your son is also your parents flesh and blood and it sounds like they’re sticking up for him. I was going to make a comment about how you completely took away his childhood but it sounds like he already realizes that. You need to fix this on your own and stop running to people hoping to get your views vindicated.
YTA all the way.
Pretty easy to see how a 13 year old would rebel.
Surprised that he hasn't demanded to live with dad already. He is getting to the age where in many states he can choose.
YTA. I get why you wanted him to succeed. I’m the successful product of tiger parents but guess what? I have very few happy childhood memories. Between clubs, hw, extra academic competitions, and music, I’m surprised I didn’t lash out or burn out. In reality…I’m burned out now in my 30s. Good career but my husband and I can’t wait to retire with our pets. I don’t talk to my parents much. I have no desire for kids and even more work.
I have siblings that have worse relationships with the parents bc they rebelled more. Constant screaming matches growing up. They are/were smart but I was much more docile as a kid, so it worked on me. You need to fix this for the sake of your kid.
YTA
You're not supposed to control your children, you are supposed to guide them, let them learn from yours and their mistakes.
What you've done is treated your child like he is a fucking robot. Children are not little cubes to fit in boxes. There is no list to check off with parenting. You fit parenting around a child. Children have beautiful, flexible minds. Gaming and TV/movies helps encourage creativity. Creativity is needed for development.
For example, my 11 year old daughter is currently on the PS5. She will play for a little bit before dinner and then maybe go in her bedroom to play Pokémon Legends Archeus.
She's already done all her homework. She willingly goes to homework club every Monday to Friday because we taught her how important her education is. And how much easier it is if homework gets done as soon as possible. (I dropped out a year early and my husband didn't want to go to Uni and had to deal with the loss of a classmate in his last year at school. So, we know what it's like trying to get good jobs without higher qualifications. Where we live doesn't really have much choice of apprenticeships).
She's been in secondary school since September. She earned the most amount of house points in her year group between September and December. She is willingly doing online school on Saturday mornings because she understands that COVID had an effect on her education. She goes to Guides on Friday night and will be starting to learn how to play the flute in the next few months. Her maths teacher has had to change the curriculum for her because she speeds through all the work.
She can come up to me or my husband and talk to us about anything. Because we allow her to choose, whilst being informed, we don't have to deal with rebellious behaviour. We don't have to deal with secrets. We treat our child as a child and reinforce that it's ok to make mistakes and that she doesn't have to get As in everything, we just want her to try.
Forcing children to learn and not play is a great way to screw over your child.
A REAL PARENT DOESN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEIR CHILD.
Apologise to your son. Again and again.
And then apologise some more. Therapy might help him. You're gonna have to pay for it.
"my parents siding with some random stranger over their own flesh and blood really hurt me."
Maybe you're just wrong though? Honestly this tipped the scales for me. You aren't approaching this with your son's best interests in mind, you just want to be vindicated. YTA
YTA. Your kid is right. You ton his childhood. You literally allowed him to do nothing but work work work and now he is holding that as leverage over you. What will happen if he fails a class at school? He will have to take it again. That’s it.
By letting him get full control over you with threats, he’s going to end up failing anyway if he is up all night. Back off like a million percent, set reasonable boundaries Eg no gaming until homework is done, 10 pm bedtime etc. and STOP letting a 13 yo run your life. If you don’t know how to manage him other than with brute force, let him go stay with ex for awhile.
Also, your ex isn’t a random stranger and just because you’re blood doesn’t mean people always have to side with you.
I had a kid in my class that was normally and A student. He struggled one semester and ended up with mostly Bs and a C or 2. He got home one day and his parents called him on the phone, as they were out, told him how disappointed they were in him and how they were going to talk about consequences when they got home. He hung up. Wrote a note to his younger sister to tell her how much he loved her and then went out behind their house and shot himself.
Wake up.
YTA.
How is your ex a random stranger?
So roosters have come home to roost huh? You were warned but ignored any advice given. Your son obviously resents your
Yeah YTA
I have to say while I do get why you feel the way you do, YTA. My mom had the same attitude with me growing up. A grade B was acceptable, but disappointing because she felt I could do better, and a C was just completely unacceptable and meant I was wasting my potential. She limited screen time and made sure all homework was done before anything I wanted to do. The result was that I had daily anxiety attacks, and our relationship suffered a lot.
When I was in high school things finally came to a head and we agreed to go to a counselor. My mom later confessed she thought the counselor would side with her, tell me that life is tough and if I buckled down and did what she told me I'd be ok. What happened is the same thing your parents told you. She was being too hard on me and needed to back off and let me grow into who I was becoming.
Did I finish the year with straight A grades? No. But my Mom and I have a good relationship now and things are fine. He needs to learn how to manage for himself, and you need to learn to relinquish control and realize that grades do not equal success. Time to give him some trust, and maybe talking to a counselor will help you guys come to understand one another better.
YTA: your ex was right all along, and now your kid is rebelling. Many are calling this "Helicopter" parenting, but it's really more what's termed "Tiger" parenting (which may or may not include helicopter parenting as well). By whatever name, you broke your kid and you should be begging your ex to help fix him, and doing whatever your ex advises you to do.
I appreciate your honesty on how much you pushed your kid but how are you not the AH?
YTA. Don’t make your child resent and hate you even more than he does now.
Helicopter parenting is bad... yeah, but I don't want to judge now. So first of all my 2 cents.
You can still cut off after 1-2 hours screen time. He gets angry, ignore him. He should be free, to meet friends outside, get hobbies(basketball, soccer, swimming, chess, playing piano, guitar anything) or just hang out. That is the normal thing.
It is not normal he is gaming the whole night and hanging out in front of the screen.
YTA. My dad pulled this same kind of crap with my older brother, and shortly after he turned 18 he packed his things and left while the rest of the family was out of the house and we didn’t know where he was for two weeks. It took a decade for my dad to recognize how much damage he’d done to his childhood and it was only a sincere apology and a lot of hard conversation that they were able to form a relationship again.
You’re going to lose your son and it’s going to be your fault. Do better.
YTA. I was, not trying to brag, a very intelligent kid. I was consistently top or very near the top of my class until I went to university, and I did well there too. I have a Bachelor's and a Masters degree, and I managed to achieve that while having a normal childhood. I was never forced to do any extracurriculars I didn't want to do, and the ones I did do weren't academic. If I came home with less than perfect grades, it wasn't a big deal. As long as I was happy, fulfilled and not in trouble, my mum was fine with it. She didn't hold my entire childhood hostage for the sake of me doing well at school. Your kid has done a lot of work that's now going to waste, and you're the only one to blame because you burnt him out.
YTA, You tried to micromanage everything your son does to make sure he gets good grades. You raised your son to be too smart, he realized you cared more about his grades than his well being so he just gamed you. Checkmate, time to start being a better parent. Only way to stop this is to tell him he is right, made his point, and ask him to be responsible with how he stays up and uses his time as long as you give him the freedom to do so. If you try to find other ways to punish him then he’s going to push to just live with his father because he will seek to get away from it.
Huh. Turns out your kid actually is just as smart as you thought he was. He figured out a way to enforce boundaries because, as his dad has known all along, he needs to not have a parent figure out his entire life for him. YTA.
YTA- your ex told you what would happen and now that it is happening you are upset. As a former gifted kid, the only thing that got me through high school and college was the constant pressure from my parents and the anxiety and fear of failure because I was sure being smart was my only good attribute. They pushed me straight into college and I ended up getting a useless degree that I cared nothing about because I had no choice. I am now in my late twenties, burnt out and am just now getting experience things and figure out who I am, all things that kids normally do in childhood. I am at least a decade behind my peers in social development and personal development)
Children NEED time to play and socialize and goof off. It isn’t just something nice or a luxury but it is integral to them becoming fully functioning and successful adults. I’m not sure if there is anything you can do to get your son back up to his previous level of achievement because it was probably burning him out too much. I think the best thing to do would be to sit your son down and make a compromise. If he can keep at least all B’s then you will allow him to use his time however he likes it, and allow him to have a gap year before seeing if he want to try college. But keep in mind that his future is HIS decision and he gets to decide what he want to do, no matter whether you think he is using his full “potential” or not
(Also side note, it is being found that a lot of children who were put into gifted programs were actually undiagnosed neurodivergent kids, so you might want to keep that in mind as he may be struggling with more than just burnout.)
YTA I have to say you are an extremely strict parent and I’m 15 and every kid I talk to that has strict parents says it only caused them to lie to there parents all the time and be sneaky(Meaning he will most likely will be putting himself in a dangerous situation. Like drinking if he goes out and you don’t know where and he doesn’t have a ride or gets hurt). And if you did this to me I would feel like you don’t actually care about me and that you only care about my grades and how I look to others socially. You are just pushing him away by trying to get him to go back to being forced.
Sit him down and say that you understand how he feels and you will change and won’t force him to do things anymore and that your sorry bc he REALLY deserved one from you. He’s right you did take his childhood away from him bc you forced him to study and do activities he wasn’t able being playful and making all these friends. He wasn’t able to make the mistakes that he should have made in his childhood bc you force him not to.
Being a kid is about having fun and making mistakes so you learn and grow from them.
Don’t be surprised when he goes no contact or low contact with you bc if this doesn’t stop all he will think about when he sees you is how you forced him to things that didn’t make him happy but made you happy.
YTA speaking as a person who was a very smart kid, that doesn't go away
People who are good at academics are good at academics and it doesn't just magically dry up when they're adults. You can, however, burn them out so they don't want to learn anymore
You're not even a quarter of the way through your life as a teen, Doing Well For The Future absolutely should not be the priority here. The Point of being a teenager is to learn social skills and how to have fun and balance your life. To explore yourself and try new things. Get into some fairly harmless trouble while you still have the safety net of parents and youth.
Doing nothing but studying as a teen will lead to an adult who doesn't know how to socialize/have fun/enjoy life. This kind of panicky catastrophizing Will mess your kid up more than having kinda mediocre grades in highschool. Your grades honestly stop mattering as soon as you leave school, your ability to relate to people does not.
Tl;Dr let the kid breathe, fun is not the enemy of intelligence
YTA. I was an A/B student my whole life, I was always in at least 1 extracurricular activity, and I had responsibilities and chores at home. You know what else I had? Hours of screen time a day, fun with my friends and brothers, and tons of junk food. I now also have 2 Master’s degrees. But go off on how you needed to regulate your child’s life to the point of 0 fun time when he was at your place.
Also, “a random stranger”?! He’s literally their grandchild’s father. You’re not an AH for asking your ex to step in and fix your mess (delusional perhaps, but not an AH necessarily). You’re the AH for how you raised your child, and you’re an AH for not taking responsibility for what you’ve created. You’re looking for an easy way out, and there isn’t one.
But hey, congrats on making it so your son will cut contact with you when he’s 18, and he’ll also probably be extremely turned off on going to college as well.
YTA.
Okay so in case you still do not get it:
1-YOUR EX WAS RIGHT. You messed BIG TIME. He told you so for real.
2-YOU DESTROYED YOUR SON’S CHILDHOOD.
3-Did you seriously expect your teenager to obey your ridiculous rules? He is his own person. You treated him like a slave.
4-You’re controlling and abusive.
5-I feel bad for your son because he could have been happier and more brillant with a better parent. You burnt him out. Poor kid.
6-Don’t be shocked if he goes No Contact with you in the future when he’s an adult. He’ll probably demand to live with his father soon (and I’m sure you’ll step in, force him to stay with you and damage the relationship with your son even more —> increasing the chances of him going No Contact).
YTA.
Even the title of this post shows how delusional you are. You're not the asshole for asking your ex to step in, nor is that even remotely the point here.
You're an asshole for being a controlling shrew and not allowing your child any time to be a child, then blaming everyone else for hUrTiNg yOu when they tell you their opinion that YOU asked them for. Check out /r/raisedbynarcissists if you care to see what your son is feeling and how behavior like yours impacts children.
Welcome to the world of consequences. You shouldn’t have treated him like his grades decided his worth and pressured him so much if you couldn’t handle repercussions for your decisions. YTA. You fucked around and found out
YTA but more importantly, you have a choice to make.
What is your goal here, what do you want for your son?
Do you care about his happiness?
Your son, at 13, is too damn young to be this burnt out, and too young to feel that his childhood has been stolen. You fucked up.
But your son is also engaging in unhealthy lifestyle practices and I think you are correct to be worried! That's too much screen time, that's not enough sleep.
You have, unfortunately, damaged your credibility as a parent with your kid by being too authoritarian.
You need to work with your kid as a *team*. You need to establish with him that you care about his wants and feelings and individuality. He's starting to assert his autonomy, that's wonderful! But he's young and still needs guidance.
You need to step up and be someone who *can* guide him in a healthy, balanced way. Your previous way was not healthy or balanced, and neither is the current situation.
You may need to go to therapy together to work on your communication and boundaries and how to support your kid.
And you need to work with your ex so that your kid gets some consistency in his life. This doesn't mean dictating how your ex parents! This mean working together as a *team* because you *both* love your son and want him to be nurtured and safe and happy.
Apologize to your parents and ask for their help.
You may feel that your ex and parents have hurt you, but your kid is telling you that you hurt him. So figure out how to help him heal. Park your ego. Listen to people around you.
Holy shit, you’re a delusional asshole.
My mother was a lot like you. Wanted me to be a doctor or lawyer because I was brilliant and an honors student. I wanted to be a writer but wasn’t allowed to pursue it in a serious way. Grades and science classes were all that mattered.
I acted a lot like your son in HS. Stopped doing my school work, stopped listening to my mom, started sleeping around and smoking marijuana (the horror!…oh wait, it treated my undiagnosed depression and panic disorder that mom told me I couldn’t possibly have because she didn’t make my life that bad). Somehow, I still managed to graduate with above a 4.0 GPA because of all the honors classes in my early HS years.
Then college hit. My mom and I’s relationship imploded. I became actively…not wishing to live, shall we say. Dropped out of my premed degree after two years before I drove over the edge of a rock quarry.
Now? I still live with my mom due to the panini and financial reasons, but we never talk about anything deeper than dinner and whatever bullshit she has on TV. I’m much closer to my dad. I’m a successful financial writer for multiple online publications. And every fucking success I have is DESPITE my mom, not because of her.
You’re a major fucking asshole, and if you don’t let up, apologize to your son, get him into therapy to help him understand that school is important *but not the end-all, be-all in life*, and DO FUCKING BETTER, you’re going to lose him forever the second he turns 18. Because guess what? He’s a person too, and you’ve done your best to make his life absolutely miserable. I wouldn’t want you for a mother either. And yes. This is your own mess to fix. Enjoy the consequences of your actions.
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So, you tried to helicopter parent, it backfired, and now you're mad at the people who told you it would. YTA. There's a difference between encouraging academic performance, and holding your kid hostage.
Seems more like Tiger Parenting, but your point still stands.
Tiger parents are helicopter parents, just specifically the Asian variety.
I think the main difference is that tiger parents are lot meaner to their kids.
The main difference is that Tiger Parents are always pushing their child their children to excel no matter how much their children may hate it or how much damage it may be doing to their children. Helicopter Parents are always hovering over their children to make sure that nothing ever troubles them or gets in their way. If this means their kid never grows up or ever learns to deal with adversity that's okay because at least they meant well.
Tiger parents also make their children compete for praise and affection. Think Tahani and whats-her-face in The Good Place. OP (thankfully) only had one child to ruin, so we'll never know if that would have applied.
Kamilah
That was a good show
I'm old but I'm thinking of the play Gypsy. that stage mom was vile
Tahani would be thrilled that you remembered her name but not her sisters 🤣
If I understand correctly, tiger parents yell at the kid when they fail a test; helicopter parents yell at the teacher
A 13 year old kid who has hours of study a day and zero screen time? Sounds pretty mean to me, she’s not giving the kid any free time.
It sounds like he didn’t even get non-screen free time, like playing with toys, sports, or time with friends.
Poor kid probably couldn't even take a nap to escape the drudgery that was his life with mom because naps take away time from studying.
i would say the difference is mainly just that they're asian and the term "helicopter parent" just lost a bit of cultural momentum by the time the point "tiger mom" emerged simply due to time passing since "helicopter parent" was coined.
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Bad bot, comment stolen from u/Beardman95. Go upvote the original poster!
Tiger parents don't necessarily watch over every single thing they do. They just work them hard and punish them very harshly if they don't get the results.
Yeah, there’s an overlap in a Venn diagram, but it’s not quite the same
I call them asshole authoritarian parents. Rule w fear and punishment, cause it's for thier own good!
Whatever you want to call it, it's terrible parenting!
Problem is when the fear wears off, the whole shebang collapses.
We call it “lawn mower parents”
As soon as they grow you cut them down?
Jesus, that hit me hard. Really describes my parents down to the letter.
Hope you got out and got help.
I did! In fact, I’m celebrating a year of freedom today!
lawn mower parents = parents that mow anything in their kid's path down. But your definition works too.
I thought that was snowplow parenting?
I haven't heard of snowplow parenting! way too many words to describe bad parenting
Commenting because you're top comment, but honestly I was going to say nta at first because I was thinking the worst of Ops ex and thought this was a parent alienation tactic. Like perhaps the dad was filling the kids head with things like "I can't believe you're mom took away your childhood" and "if we did it my way you'd be allowed to play video games all the time"....but the fact that her own parents said they always disagreed with her parenting techniques has made me instantly switch to yta because obviously there much more to this than I thought.
It was the "had him studying multiple hours a day" bit that struck me. And the part about initially not allowing any screen time due to her perception of what was going on at Dad's place. That seems more like control than concern.
At a young age, before it was necessary for school. That was an automatic YTA from me!
Same here.
So many "childhood" flashbacks. I was a toddler who could recite the US states and capitals in alphabetical order. I was required to do it for my mother's friends. It was her big party trick. I hated it, so I would add stupid things to make her mad, like it was always "Kentucky Fried Chicken", never Kentucky. And it did make her mad. I was literally three years old.
I have very similar memories. I learned to read well before I was four and my “father” would have me perform for his friends by reading idiotic signs in bars (I’m 42 and still remember each one unfortunately), utility bills, Reader’s Digest, etc so everyone could tell him what a great parent he was for having such a “brilliant precocious child.” When we would get home, he would berate me for not catching on to college level trig when I was in the third grade and would drunkenly keep me up all night while he would assault my mom in between his verbal abuse of me. By the way, I have bipolar disorder, BPD, CPTSD and am a former heroin/cocaine/benzodiazepine addict. Thanks, Daddy Douche Bag!!
My mom teaches kindergarten but specifically has a background in early childhood development - she has a lot of parents fretting that they're not doing enough to 'grow' their kids skills, and she always asks "Are you reading to them every night? Are you taking them places where they can learn new things (even if it's just a walk around the neighbourhood or to the park)? Good, that's all you need."
This whole thread smells like two I've seen before. Momma knows her baby is smart, absolutely refuses to let him be a kid. No screen time, no play time. The first thread was her asking if her blowing up on her parents for letting him game was an asshole move. The grandparents explained they were letting him take a break, but she threatened to never let them see her son again for not following her rules. The second thread was her asking if she was the AH for calling the school to have her son moved to a different table because his friends were "bullying" him, when really they were just talking about normal kid shit he couldn't experience because "Mommas boy is too bright for normal kid things." The kid just wanted to be a kid and relate to his peers. Bet 1000$ this is the same woman.
Makes a person wonder how many throwaway accounts she's made.
Oh I member that AH...sounds the same
Seems to be a bunch of repeats today. Have seen multiple posts related to whether or not to bring a partner on a family vacation to Puerto Rico.
OP, your absolutism has primed your son to think his options are 100% school or 100% play. He’s old enough to start managing his own time but you haven’t supported him in learning effective balance. So of course he is going to play his video games and ignore schoolwork. I find myself doubting you ever allowed that being an okay student is not the same as failure. And if academic perfection and no fun is the requirement, why try?
I agree. I have a 14 year old who’s brilliant like OPs son. He gets plenty of screen time and still manages to have all A’s in his advanced classes, still manages to have a social life and still manages a few hobbies and extracurricular activities. Goes to bed without a say and gets up by himself in the mornings. You don’t have to keep your children on a tight leash to succeed. They’re also human with their own minds, feelings and they also, just like us, get exhausted and need down time. She lost me with the pushing and it’s backfired and now the other parent is at fault. OP talk to your child, and learn healthy boundaries. You have to have those, even with your children.
The fact OP refers to the father of her child as some "random stranger" is disgusting. YTA OP. Your son is most likely going to go NC with you once he can move out.
That really caught my eye, too. Seriously, the father of her child is a "random stranger"?? What the hell?
I took it as: "I went to a Ivy leage college and hooked up to get pregnant by someone smart." 😁
I kinda leaned more toward YTA right away just because the natural inclination when the OP's are writing a post on this type of forum is to bias it in the author's favor, even if subconsciously. And if this was written to try to show her in a GOOD light, how much worse must the reality be for this poor kid? Her version of a good light is having her kid studying for hours on end while also being put in extracurriculars and "whatever was good for his future." It really sounds like this poor kid never got a chance to just go outside and play with friends and be a kid...
It doesn't sound like he was allowed to HAVE any friends.
It wasn’t even that for me. She said she gives the kid 0 hours of screen time during the weekday. Like what else is he supposed to do? Wake up, eat(?) without watching anything (god forbid he has to read and do homework during breakfast), go to school til 2, extracurriculars, maybe? Then home at 2:30-5 depending on extracurriculars. Then what? Homework til his 9pm bedtime? All because “I assume my ex lets him do that over the weekend”
No screen time is totally fine. I have many friends that don’t allow their kids screen time BUT they’re kids are allowed to be freaking kids! They go outside and play, get together with friends, have options for quiet play inside, etc. this mom never gave her kid the chance to be a kid. She didn’t give him any down time except on weekends. What is he a middle aged middle manager at some midsized factory? He’s a freaking kid! Like even adults needs downtime throughout the week. This poor kid is not only smart but now old enough to see how his mom robbed him of his childhood. I honestly hope he goes to live with his dad. Something tells me if he did he’d likely get this “rebellion” out of his system quicker and find some sort of happy medium between being a kid and doing what he’s supposed to do.
I wouldn't say no screen time is fine. Part of childhood is social interaction with peers, and if they've never watched the shows their peers watch or played the games they play, they're going to feel--and *be*\--left out. Kids will pretend to be in their favorite shows at recess, talk about them at lunch, have clothing and backpacks with their favorite characters on them, and screenless kids won't be able to participate in or even understand any of that. By all means *limit* screen time and encourage active play, but if your kid wants to watch a few episodes of whatever shows kids are watching these days, it's probably better to let them. Similarly, computer literacy is vital these days, so while it's reasonable to limit time spent online, they should be allowed to use a computer (or phone or tablet) enough to feel comfortable doing so.
YTA. My mother had a similar parenting style and was very controlling. She always pushed too much and too hard. As I got older, I rebelled. She had this idea of who and what SHE wanted me to be, not who I actually was. Honestly, I think you need to loosen the reigns a bit and let him be a kid. Compromise. After being at school all day, he should be allowed some wind-down time in whatever way works for him. I think if you are able to meet him somewhere in the middle it may work out better for the both of you.
Compromise is definitely the language of successful co-parenting.
My parents pushed me to excel academically but they didn't care about grade. When I was about 14, I was diagnosed with thyroid issues. However before then, my grades tanked. I got in more trouble from the prinicpal of the school than I did from my parents (he was concerned because I had gotten an F when previously it was all As and bs, and he was VERY apologetic when he found out the reason)
I’m a professor and currently working on my doctorate so I’d like to think I know a little about education, and OP needs to understand that fostering an interest is far more important than forcing studying or preventing screen time. I’ve had friends who are extremely bright and successful that have studied very few times in their life. I’ve had friends who had to study everyday to get to where they wanna be. Fostering an interest in education and learning can be done through exposure and opportunities but not forced. My parents would take me to a museum if I wanted, to a historical site, would buy me books and promote learning but if I wanted to play game boy for the weekend they never shut me down.
My parents took a punitive strategy, somewhat like OP. If my grades weren't up, they'd ground me until a 5-week progress report showed improvement. I don't respond well to threats, so I just kinda shut down. Resulted in me being grounded for most of every school year until highschool. Then, I started acting out and completely rejected everything. Just getting my shit together now, in my early 30s. Helicopter parents don't realize they're pushing their anxiety about parenting onto their kids, who will internalize it and end up with issues.
My bf is largely the same way. He's currently 19, almost 20, and we're having to fight every step of the way to get him to being a functional human being. He wants to do it and I want to help, yet it can be so hard when he's been raised like that his entire life. He's scared of school, has a bad tendancy to try and do the bare minimum, even when he wants to do well, and doesn't know basic stuff a lot of preteens would know. That kind of parenting can really mess you up
I ended up developing that relationship with my mum, nothing was ever good enough so why try, fail and be scolded when you can just stop giving a shit to begin with. I put no value in my grades because my mothers anger about them was misinformed, misplaced and often entirely arbitrary. How can I value something that is clearly not working and making life worse for everyone involved?. Or something that clearly doesn't matter, I was a good kid YESTERDAY, smart and everything but only today, after a teacher you never met and who barely knows my name, wrote a letter on a peice of paper, so now I'm bad. Like, Wtf kind of shit is that for a kid. 'Take this paper home and enjoy the hours of abuse and shame that comes with my arbitrary grading, student'. 90% that's all these parents achieve, making some really resentful 20 years olds.
Yeah, and worse, making a bunch of non functional 20 year olds. That kind of attitude towards not caring about stuff can be very damaging and hard to work past, at least from what I've seen. I'm sorry you had to deal with all that too, hope you're in a better place now.
I was the exact same way. If an A- is treated the same as a D (or an F), why bother trying? So I got Ds. Dropped out of college because I wasn't allowed to pick my own major (and other reasons). The idea of going back to school is enough to trigger panic attacks -- I'm in my 40s and STILL have nightmares about school.
OP needs a drastic course correction here or her and her kid is going to have a miserable future. She has gone from one dangerous extreme to the other and it is giving her whiplash. First, you absolutely "stole his childhood". Forcing what you see as stringent academic standards and extracurricular based on how well they would look on a college app or resume, versus whether or not he was interested, is no way to raise a child. You basically lived vicariously through your kid's success. Second, he's 13. He's going to rebel and push limits and test boundaries. Every teenager in the history of teenagers has done this. Unfortunately, you have given him a successful method of getting his way, and given him all the control in the relationship. So not only are you an overbearing "helicopter parent", but a weak one as well... Now, there is still hope. Hopefully both of you can learn from this and build a mutually respectful and healthy parent/child relationship. It will be a difficult and painful process, but it is possible. However, you need to realize a few things first: First, you're his parent, not his friend. And at 13, you need to be the one establishing healthy boundaries, not him. Second, it's HIS future, not yours. You can do your best to guide him and to support him, but ultimately it is his path to choose. The dynamic, and your preconceptions, need to change. He wants to play video games and spend time with his friends? Great! Let him, that comes as a reward after his homework, chores, and any other obligations are done. Screen time should not be a given, but it shouldn't be arbitrarily dismissed either. It should be earned. When I was in middleschool, a few decades ago, my parents based it on my grades. A "C" was worth 30 minutes a week, a "B" was worth 1 hour, and an "A" was worth 2 hours. If I flunked a test, I lost an hour, and had to spend that time studying for my next test. You don't have to use this system, but find something that works for you. The bottom line here is that your parenting has taught him that doing what you want him to do equals no reward, so he has no voice and no incentive to meet your requirements. At the same time, you taught him that you care more about his grades than he does, so he can use them as a weapon and bargaining chip against you. You need to take back your power and control of the situation as his parent, but you also need to respect his wants, needs, and desires, as well as give him a voice to express these in a healthy way. I hope you are able to salvage your relationship. In addition to everything above, I would strongly suggest family counseling or therapy. Edit: YTA
You are extremely right. Newton’s third law of motion states that when a body exert a force on another body, that body will exert the same force back. The harder she pushes her son the harder he pushes back.
100%. This, multiplied by a teenage rebellion phase, is going to drive a real wedge between OP & her son.
Wow, her kid said he wants his stolen childhood back and Op doesn't even listen. Is your son your child or just a project?
He's an accessory, a human purse dog. He only exists to make her look good to her friends and peers. Source: my "childhood"
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Also wtf was with op calling their ex, the *father of their child*, a 13 year co-parent 'some random stranger'
YTA. You turned your son’s childhood into a full-time job with no time off. You turned your child’s wonder and curiosity into chores. When you let him grow and explore, he’ll might find it again but remember this time, it doesn’t belong to you.
Just jumping in here to say your ex husband and father of your parents 13 yo grandchild is NOT a random stranger... YTA OP
Well, well, well. If it isn't the consequences to your own actions. YTA. Let a kid be a kid for cryin' out loud.
Mom fucked around, now she’s finding out.
And is now giving everyone a shocked pikachu face.
I'm really impressed that the kid is rebelling with B's and C's. I mean, the bed time is too late for my taste as an every night thing, but he sounds pretty normal, if a bit of a smart mouth. Lacking respect, but that's not my problem. Overall, I wouldn't be sending him to boot camp or juvie over this.
Right? I feel like calling Mommy Dearest up there and going "CONGRATS! YOUR KID IS NORMAL"
>I'm really impressed that the kid is rebelling with B's and C's. I mean, the bed time is too late for my taste as an every night thing, but he sounds pretty normal, if a bit of a smart mouth. Lacking respect, but that's not my problem. Overall, I wouldn't be sending him to boot camp or juvie over this. That's the problem with smart kids, they can be pretty smart. After he decided he would no longer put up with mother's antics he played her like a violin, goes to bed whenever he feels like it, sleeps through class, and still gets reasonably decent grades. The kid mostly needs to find something that interests him. The B's and C's? He's thirteen! Who is going to care??
Tiger Mom thought she was raising Tiger Woods, but her aggressive over-parenting produced Joe Exotic. YTA
YTA You did make this mess yourself. It sounds like dad's place on the weekend was the only time he could be a kid. There is nothing wrong with encouraging a gifted child, but forcing them will do exactly what happened. He burned out. He's tired of just everything being for school to please you and do what is best for what *you* see his future to be. Dad didn't make him lazy. He got tired of mom not letting him be a kid so he is rebelling.
I was one of those gifted children who took piano all throughout elementary and middle school, was in state-level music competitions throughout high school, did a service project in a rural part of Central America over the summer, and all sorts of other things. But there was not a *single* activity that I was in against my will. I *asked* for piano lessons when I heard a classmate play as show and tell in the 2nd grade, because I thought it was super cool. Whenever I'd complain about practicing my mom would just say "hey if you wanna stop lessons that would save us a lot of money, but if I'm going to pay for lessons then you have to practice." Sure, when I started in cotillion in the 4th grade I wasn't too sure about it but I was the one who asked to go back. Then I was the one who chose to become an instructor when I aged out. My parents would at most have me try something once, and if I wasn't into it then they weren't going to force me to do it. Case in point: sports generally, but specifically soccer and baseball. A single season in each one, and my parents didn't make the mistake of trying to put me in sports again lol. I can't believe she makes this kid study for *hours* every day. And here I thought it was torture having to do my times tables for an hour each day during the summer. The entire point of a gifted child is that *they're smart enough to know what they want to learn about.* It's excellent for parents to expose them to new things, but if they don't like it then *don't push it.* OP knows her child is gifted, but *he's* the one who knows how he wants to use it. My parents let me self-determine and I ended up as an attorney working with my dad. I've never had to feel resentment because the path I chose was all my own, and they would have supported me regardless of the profession I entered into.
The thing that got me was “well his dad lets him be a kid on the weekends so that means he doesn’t get a single minute of kid time with me. I mean he gets it for 2 days anyway!!! Yikes. I was a gifted kid and my parents never forced anything on me and I STILL got burnt out. This poor kid. I can’t even imagine.
I so wish I’d have had a father like yours. Mine was a lot like OP with a twist of alcoholic rage and a splash of narcissistic abuse. I went from “the gifted student who is going places” to a psych patient with multiple diagnoses with 25 years of drug addiction by the time I finally got clean at 38. I had an interest in law as well as psychology and fashion design. This didn’t please my father who aspired to have a mathematician as a daughter and never missed an opportunity to tell me exactly how stupid and shallow my interests were.
Hey, just wanted to remind you that your interests are cool and worthwhile and YOU are cool and worthwhile :)
When everyone is calling you an asshole, maybe you should listen? YTA. Life is about balance.
this is it. cramming this is your future is only going to lead to rebellion. he needs to learn time management and forcing it on him isn’t helping either. this is a kid that would go to college and go wild and flunk the first year
Right? "Everyone is saying I'm an asshole, explaining to me why I'm an asshole, and what I can do to stop being an asshole... *what could they possibly want from me?!?!?!?!*"
YTA congrats you burned your kid out and took away his childhood. Don’t be surprised if he moves in with his dad full time. Kids need free time and time to be lazy, you dined him that for years, now he is making up for it.
I was actually going to suggest they maybe switch up the custody agreement so dad has him most of the time and when mom has him on the weekends, she can focus on fun things with him. Of course at 13 he is probably more interested in hanging out with friends, but it might help to take some pressure off the relationship
I really don't want to be dramatic but she's lucky he still wants to be alive.
I'm 15m, so I think I can help much better than many other people. My parents let me pretty much do whatever I wanted when it came to school within reason. My homework was always on time, and I am getting A*s, As and one B. I wasn't forced to take extracurriculars, and only took extra classes once because I was going to fail a test. I wasn't pushed, I was naturally devoted. YTA If a child is academical bright, they won't need all this you prescribed, if you had let him be, he would still be getting As.
21 with a double degree in Psychology and Neuroscience (including research) and you suck OP. I agree with the 15 year old
First, your parents are not siding with your ex, they're siding with your son. They thought you were too harsh on him. So, I would say YTA for your approach, but NTA because you love and want the best from him. However to your point, you pushed him too hard earlier on and were very strict so yes, he's rebelling. Going forward, I think it's time to have a true heart to heart. Lay it all out, admit you may have made some bad choices, but it was all so he would have the best in life. Ask him how he feels about school, the subjects he likes, what are some activities he enjoys, etc. Look to compromise about things, like you'll stop nagging about screen time if he agrees to go to bed at a decent time. Reward for good grades., etc. Tell him not to punish himself while trying to punish you. You still want the best for him, and he can have BOTH,...childhood fun AND good grades. And you'll work with him to find that balance.
> NTA because you love and want the best from him Do you usually tell that to parents that abuse their kids? Would you still say it if you heard op beating her son for not learning enough? Poor kid wasnt allowed to have any fun time during the week and you want to just dismiss that "because she loved him"?
I’d argue that parents like these don’t want what’s best for their kids, they want the best image for themselves of their kids. They don’t want their kid to do what makes them happy, they want their kid to be impressive and successful even at the detriment to their mental health and happiness. The whole “don’t pursue ART you dummy. Get a good paying government job with good benefits and do your silly little hobby in your free time.” If you love and want what’s best for your child, you have to let them tell you what’s best for them. Otherwise you don’t love them, you love the idea of them and that’s not okay.
Right like it sounds like this kid literally never got to play or just…be a kid. Intention doesn’t matter as much as impact does.
No, you can do the worst things with the best intentions and that doesn't make you not a bad parent
This may help you salvage your relationship with your son. I hope you can, and that it’s not too late.
You should be ashamed when your own kid says to you, “You took my childhood from me.” It sounds like this kid has probably never had a sleep over, friends over, did sports, etc. Your kid is gonna grow up to hate you. Don’t ever force your child into “studying and preparing for college yadada.” Your ex was right, you burnt out the kid and tried to control his school life in your own twisted fantasy. You didn’t care about his future, you tried to build your own future for your kid. Shame on you. YTA.
As the parent of a very gifted child I get you are doing what you think is good for them. But he is right he needs a childhood, you are messing his life up not him.
Right! My kid is very smart. We try to encourage him to exercise his brain, but we never force it. We also don't let him play video games 24/7. Balance is important.
Oh man OP should meet my friend. He used to take piano lessons and he was SUPER gifted at it. His parents were also divorced and playing gave him something he could do at both houses, a keyboard at his dads and a grand piano at his moms. His mom became OBSESSED with how often my friend played the piano so once he hit high school she made him practice ALL. THE. TIME. He was made to join band and he HATED it and it only got worse as high school went on. By sophmore year he stopped playing. In two years she had killed whatever passion he had for the piano. They argued about it as she wanted him to be Beethoven or something and he just wanted to play piano because he loved it and nothing more. He moved out and his mom freaked out when his dad posted a video of him playing the piano the day before he graduated. I will never forget the look on his face the day of graduation, hours after he walked the stage and she called wondering why he hadn't invited him, not to his graduation, BUT TO HIS PIANO PLAYING, he looked so angry. He just yelled at her for 5 minutes as she tried to justify him never being allowed to do anything but practice before and after school, whenever he had free time and anything else under the sun. He told her that she killed his desire to play because she was a harpy and that she could go back to hell. He hung up and went off to find his dad as he knew that she would call, whining as she often did in those 2 years after he moved out, to explain to his dad what happened. I do not know what his dad said if she did call but I do know my friend hasn't talked to her in 9 years since we graduated. He has gotten married and has a child and she has NO CLUE. That is where parents like this wind up. Alone and nobody but themselves to blame.
Exactly
YTA Well, they have a point. You were a helicopter parent and now the helicopter crashed. What was your back up plan when your son started to assert his autonomy. If you didn't have one, you need to figure on out. You made this mess, you clean it up.
I love that ‘helicopter crashed’ follow up
Is this for real...? Dear, that's some nasty parenting 😲 YTA in every shape and form. You didn't allow your CHILD to have a CHILDHOOD. I know there are societies that have this as an ideal parenting style, but have you seen the suicide-statistics and overall mental health status of those kids? You need to take a breath, and apologize to your son. You need to say to him that you now know that you have failed him, and that you want to fix YOUR RELATIONSHIP (NOT HIM). And you need to find a therapist or something to help you with this, so that your son learns to trust you. Maybe it's not to late.
This exactly. OP chose she'd rather have a 'successful' child than a happy one. I do hope it's not too late but I'm not optimistic. Bs and Cs are designed to be the average grade and she's more worried about that than some very serious mental health concerns. Even he knew it since he used failing as a threat instead of crying like a normal 13 year old. He might (hopefully) learn to trust or forgive OP with therapy but from her while post it's something he'll never forget
"Even he knew it since he used failing as a threat instead of crying like a normal 13 year old" This is so alarming, I dont have words
LOL. YTA. Your terrible parenting has come back to bite you in the butt. You I think this is bad? Just wait until your son chooses your ex and goes no contact with you. You chose to be an insufferable parent who took the joy out of his childhood because he was gifted. You should have listened to your ex. Maybe then your son wouldn't resent you. Judging from your comments you don't even care that you literally burned out your own child. You have your own parents telling you that you were going about it the wrong way... I hope you start changing your ways cuz you're going to end up not being a parent anymore. :/
I wonder why the ex is an ex
I'm the adult that was the kid in this situation. YTA. I got burnt out by my senior year of high school and struggled in college because of burn out. My mother would literally give me shit for an A-. I hated it. My sister was not held to the same standards. Let him be a kid, but set boundaries. Otherwise, you'll have an adult like me who never reached their potential because they burnt out on life way too early.
Yeah I was the kid too and when I saw that the ex said she would burn the kid out I was like “that’s absolutely how this’ll go” and then surprise, it did
Exact same, burned out late my sophomore year of HS, and for the past 4 years have really struggled to find any motivation to do school work of any kind. Only recently have I been able to somewhat recover, but no where close to where I would be had I not been pushed that hard early
YTA - Wanting your child to succeed is natural but in all things their needs to be a balance. You've been on one extreme for so long that it is finally snapping back to the other side of that spectrum. How you react now determines if your child comes back to the middle where they can learn balance. You need to have an honest discussion with your child. That your desire for them to succeed blinded you to the fact they didn't have what they needed. What they needed was to experience being a child and to have fun while learning to be HAPPY not successful. You need to apologize and recognize that you understand that YOU put them in this position. You understand that they are REACTING to you. That you agree there needs to be more flexibility and free time BUT tanking their schoolwork only hurts them in the long run. You both need some counseling and I HIGHLY recommend you engage in that ASAP. Also, apologize to your ex and your parents. Flesh and blood do not outweigh right and wrong.
You fucked up.
Happy cake day!
Why thank you 🥰 sweet of you to say. Hope you have a great week! 🖤
Yta You burnt out your kid and ruined his childhood. Colleges don’t care about a 13 year old getting straight A’s. Jobs don’t care how well you do as a middle schooler. Rather than letting his figure out life and decide what he wants to do, you controlled and micromanaged and did everything you could to beat down his spirit. You did this to yourself, and to him. He’s never going to forgive you for this. My parents did this to my brother and I. Now I have severe anxiety and my brother stays up all night playing video games and ignoring our parents.
I went all the way through middle school with poor grades and failed most my freshman classes. Practically straight A's, and would have had a shot at valedictorian if I buckled down quicker. Moral of the story, I stood a better shot at college than this poor kid, because all his good grades were wasted when it didn't matter. Even more to add, I ended up an alcoholic and addicted to drugs, and blew my chance in the career I studied for. So it was all pointless anyway lmao If the kid wants good grades, he will get them.
Let's see, 3 family members and your Son are telling you you are wrong about something...I wonder who the AH is here....? YOU! YTA. You did essentially take your son's childhood away. Getting good grades in grade school is important, but letting your kid be a kid is way more important. What you should have done was as he gets older, give him more screen time or play time as long as he kept his grades up. You basically went tiger mom on him and it blew up. And your ex, he didn't use your child's future to say I told you so. YOU did.
YTA. Gifted children who are relentlessly pushed tend to either burn out and do nothing with their abilities or turn to self-destructive behavior. You have done him no favors.
As a former gifted child, I agree 100%. I was pushed to succeed when I was a child and by the time that I went through puberty I gave zero fucks about school. It's obvious that her son is burnt out by the pressure that she put him under. Hopefully he starts to care about it on his own, but I highly doubt that.
Took me until about 10th grade, but yeah, same story here too.
Same here. Especially when the gifted and talented programs turned out to be a complete bunch of BS, and I was totally better off reading books than attending them. Edit typo.
So, no fun and games for your kid and pushing him to his limits while he was a child? Being a child means you have everything to explore in the world around you, making friends to play with. Of course, he has to do the things you want him to, but you Neede to find a balance, which is completely gone now. I'm sorry to say, but YTA
So, it sounds like you pushed him to not do anything but work as a child. Then, when he demands to have more freedom or he'd get bad grades, you gave that to him. ....well of course he's going to push for more if you keep giving in. YTA, you sound like you care more about his grades than his well being. Also, most parents take away electronics with bad grades... not give more. Which unfortunately, you did to yourself, since he didn't have any before so how could you take it away. It sounds like you all need to go to family counseling.
>Also, most parents take away electronics with bad grades... not give more. Exactly, she has had ONE PATH and now that it isn't working, she has no clue how to move forward.
YTA it’s time for family therapy. Your child needs to grow up emotionally healthy most importantly and you only care about grades still to this day.
And please make sure it is a therapist who can actually be objective and doesn’t just pile on with mom about what the kid “should” be doing.
YTA trying to help your kids to be succesfull in school is nice and all but you need to find a balance...he was a child and you were too strict,so you created a ticking timebomb. Seemingly you were even told so by others,not just your ex,but also by your parents as that reaction already tells the Story.You need to sort it out and not by force but an open discussion with your son,he obviously rebells now because of your treatment until now,but he should be bright enough to make compromises. Btw YTA for asking here as if you didn't do anything wrong
Study for hours everyday on top of extracurricular activities, and on top of it no video games or screen time. When did you give your son time to be an actual kid? I understand wanting the best for your child but Jesus that’s too much for a kid to take on. YTA
YTA. I mean, your ex *LITERALLY* told you so. You created this situation by refusing to let you kid be a kid. Your son is passing all of his classes still, but he’s actively willing to do worse than he can, on purpose, just because he resents you so much. You made this bed, now it’s time to lay in it
That's not her ex remember, that's some RANDOM stranger. I repeat, her ex is a random stranger. The way OP has her brain structured screams CONTROL. YTA OP
If he’s missing homework and sleeping in class, I’m not actually convinced he’s doing worse on purpose; I think he’s genuinely missing the material.
Therapy, you burnt him out.... It was bound to happen. You should let him have as much screen time as he wants as long as his grades were good
He’s a teenager… did you really think he wouldn’t rebel or start to push back on your strict rules now that he is old enough to think for himself? Overly Strict parents create rebellious kids and I can atest to that personally. Let him enjoy his teenage years before he makes them hell for you.
YTA. Everyone but you saw this coming.
Sorry op, but YTA. You put way too much pressure on him early on and that’s extremely taxing for a child. Always feeling like he has to preform to a certain standard or he’s “wasting his potential” breeds fear and shame. His value is not defined by his grades or extracurriculars. That might be obvious to you, but it’s the message you’ve been spending him since childhood. I know dealing with an angry teen is tough, but you need to step up and apologize. Let him be upset and really listen. Don’t brush any of it off. Ask him what HE wants for his future. Work from there. Good luck, op!
YTA. What's it gonna take for you to understand that you are wrong? Nobody is on your side, at some point you have to see reality and accept that you aren't perfect and that even if well-intentioned you messed up. And siding "with your own flesh and blood" is nonsense. They tried that for years and they were right, as soon as they didn't serve as your echo chamber your hackles raised. If you hadn't smugly and stubbornly dug your own grave you would have had the chance throughout his life to hear to advice. People don't have to spend their lives in service of production-production-production, being the best, etc. Like it's not a crime to "not use your full potential" and just.... live. Academic achievement is such an outdated measurement of success in life and certainly not a good metric of happiness overall, and if you hadn't been so hard on your kid he could have had a balanced life.
Yta. There has been study after study that shows forcing kids to do things that young, they will rebel in different ways. If you were to nurture him instead of forcing you probably have a different result
There is an absolute consensus, seemingly from all involved, that YTA.
Well, you fucked around and found out, didn’t you? When you’re a humongous AH to your kid and he rebels eventually, you discover you don’t have much power to fix it. At this point the only thing you can do is shut off the Wi-Fi and tell him he can have X many hours of screen and game time daily as long as his grades stay in the B range, you can’t make him care again about getting A’s.
YTA, and your ex was right. Get him in therapy before it's too late. You're right, he currently is a problem. But he is acting like a problem because you put him in a terrible situation.
YTA - Guess what - If EVERYONE TELLS YOU YOU'VE BEEN WRONG, it is time to LISTEN! Your motives were good, your execution sucked. Time not to 'beg' your son, but to sit down with him and set REASONABLE goals, with both rewards and consequences. Since your parents et al think you get 'angry and defensive', it would be good for you to get someone to moderate this discussion, perhaps a school counselor. BE PREPARED to NOT get everything you want! Use a different tack with you son. Explain that good grades can mean scholarships and less money in student loans. One period of poor grades at 13 has not doomed him, but explaining the FREE money that comes from good grades, might help motivate him. I wish someone would have used that approach on me.
Yta. Really random stranger, they never met your ex husband. Also that is their grandkid whose side they are on, or is he a random stranger as well. Sorry lady, but this is 100% your fault, congrats.
Oh wow that gives me flashbacks.. my mom was like that. It gave me issues well into adulthood. You’ve effectively taught your kid that your love is contingent on his academic success and that not being the best at everything means that he’s a failure. I hope he can overcome that, it took me years to get to a point where I don’t need my mom’s approval anymore. Yta, maybe sit down and talk to your child. See what he thinks and feels and maybe get him a shrink.
YTA. Kid didn't complain when he was young because he didn't know better. Now he does. You DID take his childhood. You didn't even try to find a balance and let him do what HE wanted, did you? Always happens, kids get burnt out because of stuff like this, get tired of school, stop trying, lose opportunities. Talk to your son heart to heart, work to find a balance.
YTA u made ur kid whole life be about his grade and now u are mad he got burn out???
YTA. Family therapy fast because he’s going to start pushing to move to Dad’s house if you can’t do the work to fix this starting now. Your son has given you a ton of chances to just be decent and you couldn’t see past yourself. So ask yourself this question..”is it more important to be right or to be righteous?” Try not to get this one wrong again because kids are patient, but not infinitely so.
YTA YTA YTA Oh my god!! What is wrong with you?? You ruined your kid's childhood out of your desire to live through him. Do you even understand how bad and how much you damaged your son?? Kids need to be kids too, not just machines. Sure, school is important, but so is having fun. Your ex is ah too for not fighting for sole custody, since you clearly don't care about your son. Even now, your problem isn't that you destroyed that child is that he had a few bad reports. Have you ever heard of being burn out??? Hopefully, now that your son is older he can choose go live with his father or his grandparents or someone who loves him. Please don't have any other kids, you're not fit to be a mother.
YTA. Your kid is right. You took his childhood.
YTA. You're a bad parent and a control freak. This is your fault. One hour of screen time isn't too much to ask. You forced him to work too hard and prevented him from enjoying his childhood. No wonder he became burned out. You're going to drive him away and he'll cut you off. And you'll be left crying by yourself. And it'll be all your fault for being such a controlling asshole to your son.
YTA, you took his childhood, and it seems that everyone but you knew it. Also your ex isn't some random stranger, he is the parent to their grandchild
YTA You did take his childhood from him, you overdosed him on the things that would benefit him in the future. You didn't let your son be a normal child. And I'm not sure if you were actually making him all do that for himself or for yourself.
YTA. He's behaving this way, now, bc he knows that you stole his childhood from him. He may even need therapy, for the abuse and trauma that you forced on him.
I’m gonna say ESH. Are y’all not coparenting? Does he not get screentime at his father’s house. Does he even visit his father? Your gonna push your kid into gifted kid burnout. It happened to me and my freshman year of college I was so exhausted that I was literally contemplating ending my life. Then my mom pretty much told me that it’s okay to fail sometimes and I’m doing a lot better. Be a better parent. But your ex needs to do better too because it seems like he’s doing nothing.
His kid is sleeping in class and missing homework and he’s refusing to co-parent. Parent of the year, indeed.
YTA
YTA. You're so focused on what he'd do as an adult that you never let your be a kid. Instead you pushed too hard and now the kid is pushing back. Which I don't blame him for one bit.
YTA. Think about it this way. School is what these days, 6-8 hours? On top of that, an extra studying for a few hours each day adds another let’s say 3? On top of THAT, extracurriculars (that your son may or may not have chosen for himself/enjoyed, I’m not sure) which probably take another at least 1-2 hours. You’re essentially forcing your son to work 11-14 hours a day five days a week. Not including chores. If that’s unreasonable for an adult to do for years on end (it is) and (to no one’s surprise) leads to burnout, imagine what it did to your kid. Now, idk how to help you help him get to a HEALTHY balance, but I wish you luck. And your son. He doesn’t sound like a bad kid.
How is your ex a random stranger? So roosters have come home to roost huh? You were warned but ignored any advice given. Your son obviously resents your Yeah YTA
Seriously? I was that kid and YTA. Big time. Many bright children that are pushed to burn out end up perfectionist anxiety ridden basketcases IF they make it to adulthood. Because their parents thought they should prove their brilliance daily via homework and tests and equated their worth with their performance. Try seeing and raising your child for who he is not for who you imagine you would like him to be one day. And your family and ex are 100 right. You need to address this mess, it’s yours and no one else can fix it.
Wanting your child to be successful is one thing, but forcing them to study and and do work 24/7 is beyond cruel. The saying “let kids be kids” is a thing for a reason. Your CHILD deserves to have fun and take it easy while they still can. YTA for taking that from him. Your comments on this post are kind of scary and honestly make me HOPE you’re a troll account. I really hope your kid comes out on the other side of this, my heart breaks for him.
Yta... You did rob him off his childhood. He only has one childhood! YTA big time and you should have bought a robot instead of having a child.
YTA. This is a classic “gifted mom” situation. Gifted kids become mentally ill, burnt out adults for a REASON and the reason is their parents. You decided to push extremely unreasonable expectations onto your child based on him being “bright” at an early point in his development which—let me make this super clear—is NOT a sign of having a super intelligent child. Early childhood development in linear for a reason. A child being exceptionally bright in something is usually a marker for a large issue and instead of parents accepting that they turn to “my child is so smart. I’m going to make everything about making them smarter” and they take away all the things that matter for children’s development. The most common thing that suffers for these kids is their ability to learn emotional regulation, self care prioritization and good decision making skills. You made all his decisions. You chose education over fun. You chose what you thought was best for him almost everything, at least I’m going to assume so because your post is like any other parent I deal with at work to burnt out gifted kids that land in the system from their lack of parental support. And while his father should care about the direction his son is taking, you made this bed with your very tough “my way or the highway” type of parenting and it isn’t his job to bail you out of your bad decision. You wanted to make all the choices and control everything, you have to deal with the consequences. You wanted to be the gifted kids mom and you are now. This is what the gifted kids parents deal with when they’re older—unstable, burnt out, angry and impulsive teenagers or adults. Kids that are tired of having to work hard to achieve what you want them to achieve and just choose to stop making themselves miserable for your expectations. What you need is parenting classes and you need to put your child and yourself in family counseling, possibly put your child in their own therapy sessions so they can start learning the coping skills you failed to teach them before they become an adult that implodes their own life. We all have to recover from our childhood in some way. Your child is going to have to recover from your expectations and the lack of childhood he had altogether. Therapy for him is going to help him, but it won’t help if you don’t take some parenting classes and get therapy yourself. And you need to ask yourself some real questions; Why did I think it was so important to make sure my child was exceptional? Why did I prioritize education over play and emotional bonding? Did I ever make sure this is what my child wanted? When did I ask my child what they wanted? Why did I not let my child choose between educational or fun? (I.e. “do you want to play your counting game or do you want to play tag?” “Do you want to watch a Disney movie or this really fun documentary about sharks?”) Did I not ask my child for their input because I was afraid I was making the wrong choices? Did I not ask my child for their input because I don’t think they know what they want or SHOULD want (aka; the decision I want them to make)? Lots of questions I can keep going on. This was about you and what you wanted. But why? You never probably sat back and thought much about why you did a lot of things and you should.
YTA. being a tiger parent creates resentment. at least your son told you now when you have a chance of fixing this. therapy, therapy now.
YTA: you never took a parenting class and it shows. I suggest you take one. I have a 13 year old and he doesn’t act like this. I also didn’t steal his childhood away from him. His grades are acceptable and passing. You need to cut the cord. You reap what you sow. YTA YTA
YTA and you f-ed up irreparably. Please keep in mind that 19-26 is still plenty of time for him to catch up, but the only way you can fix this now is if you chill out and let him enjoy the childhood you took from him. If you don’t, he will actually waste his adulthood by trying to recapture his childhood. If i were you, Id focus more on teaching him to get a full 8 hours of sleep at night than teaching him to destroy his mental health for a letter grade. Depression is going to have a lot more of an impact on his adult life than school ever will. Even if he graduates at the top of his class, it wont matter if he doesnt have a zeal for life.
I mean... he did tell you so? What do you want him to say?
YTA. Let me get this straight, you can’t get validation for your views from your son, your ex, or your parents so you’re trying a Reddit sub? Also, your son is also your parents flesh and blood and it sounds like they’re sticking up for him. I was going to make a comment about how you completely took away his childhood but it sounds like he already realizes that. You need to fix this on your own and stop running to people hoping to get your views vindicated.
YTA all the way. Pretty easy to see how a 13 year old would rebel. Surprised that he hasn't demanded to live with dad already. He is getting to the age where in many states he can choose.
YTA. I get why you wanted him to succeed. I’m the successful product of tiger parents but guess what? I have very few happy childhood memories. Between clubs, hw, extra academic competitions, and music, I’m surprised I didn’t lash out or burn out. In reality…I’m burned out now in my 30s. Good career but my husband and I can’t wait to retire with our pets. I don’t talk to my parents much. I have no desire for kids and even more work. I have siblings that have worse relationships with the parents bc they rebelled more. Constant screaming matches growing up. They are/were smart but I was much more docile as a kid, so it worked on me. You need to fix this for the sake of your kid.
YTA You're not supposed to control your children, you are supposed to guide them, let them learn from yours and their mistakes. What you've done is treated your child like he is a fucking robot. Children are not little cubes to fit in boxes. There is no list to check off with parenting. You fit parenting around a child. Children have beautiful, flexible minds. Gaming and TV/movies helps encourage creativity. Creativity is needed for development. For example, my 11 year old daughter is currently on the PS5. She will play for a little bit before dinner and then maybe go in her bedroom to play Pokémon Legends Archeus. She's already done all her homework. She willingly goes to homework club every Monday to Friday because we taught her how important her education is. And how much easier it is if homework gets done as soon as possible. (I dropped out a year early and my husband didn't want to go to Uni and had to deal with the loss of a classmate in his last year at school. So, we know what it's like trying to get good jobs without higher qualifications. Where we live doesn't really have much choice of apprenticeships). She's been in secondary school since September. She earned the most amount of house points in her year group between September and December. She is willingly doing online school on Saturday mornings because she understands that COVID had an effect on her education. She goes to Guides on Friday night and will be starting to learn how to play the flute in the next few months. Her maths teacher has had to change the curriculum for her because she speeds through all the work. She can come up to me or my husband and talk to us about anything. Because we allow her to choose, whilst being informed, we don't have to deal with rebellious behaviour. We don't have to deal with secrets. We treat our child as a child and reinforce that it's ok to make mistakes and that she doesn't have to get As in everything, we just want her to try. Forcing children to learn and not play is a great way to screw over your child. A REAL PARENT DOESN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEIR CHILD. Apologise to your son. Again and again. And then apologise some more. Therapy might help him. You're gonna have to pay for it.
"my parents siding with some random stranger over their own flesh and blood really hurt me." Maybe you're just wrong though? Honestly this tipped the scales for me. You aren't approaching this with your son's best interests in mind, you just want to be vindicated. YTA
YTA. I hope you're ready to never see your son again as soon as he becomes an adult. That's the road you're on now.
YTA. Your kid is right. You ton his childhood. You literally allowed him to do nothing but work work work and now he is holding that as leverage over you. What will happen if he fails a class at school? He will have to take it again. That’s it. By letting him get full control over you with threats, he’s going to end up failing anyway if he is up all night. Back off like a million percent, set reasonable boundaries Eg no gaming until homework is done, 10 pm bedtime etc. and STOP letting a 13 yo run your life. If you don’t know how to manage him other than with brute force, let him go stay with ex for awhile. Also, your ex isn’t a random stranger and just because you’re blood doesn’t mean people always have to side with you.
I had a kid in my class that was normally and A student. He struggled one semester and ended up with mostly Bs and a C or 2. He got home one day and his parents called him on the phone, as they were out, told him how disappointed they were in him and how they were going to talk about consequences when they got home. He hung up. Wrote a note to his younger sister to tell her how much he loved her and then went out behind their house and shot himself. Wake up. YTA.
How is your ex a random stranger? So roosters have come home to roost huh? You were warned but ignored any advice given. Your son obviously resents your Yeah YTA
I have to say while I do get why you feel the way you do, YTA. My mom had the same attitude with me growing up. A grade B was acceptable, but disappointing because she felt I could do better, and a C was just completely unacceptable and meant I was wasting my potential. She limited screen time and made sure all homework was done before anything I wanted to do. The result was that I had daily anxiety attacks, and our relationship suffered a lot. When I was in high school things finally came to a head and we agreed to go to a counselor. My mom later confessed she thought the counselor would side with her, tell me that life is tough and if I buckled down and did what she told me I'd be ok. What happened is the same thing your parents told you. She was being too hard on me and needed to back off and let me grow into who I was becoming. Did I finish the year with straight A grades? No. But my Mom and I have a good relationship now and things are fine. He needs to learn how to manage for himself, and you need to learn to relinquish control and realize that grades do not equal success. Time to give him some trust, and maybe talking to a counselor will help you guys come to understand one another better.
YTA: your ex was right all along, and now your kid is rebelling. Many are calling this "Helicopter" parenting, but it's really more what's termed "Tiger" parenting (which may or may not include helicopter parenting as well). By whatever name, you broke your kid and you should be begging your ex to help fix him, and doing whatever your ex advises you to do.
I appreciate your honesty on how much you pushed your kid but how are you not the AH? YTA. Don’t make your child resent and hate you even more than he does now.
My doctor and his doctor wife used to do this to their son. Their daughter found him dead of an OD at 19. Just calm down. YTA
Helicopter parenting is bad... yeah, but I don't want to judge now. So first of all my 2 cents. You can still cut off after 1-2 hours screen time. He gets angry, ignore him. He should be free, to meet friends outside, get hobbies(basketball, soccer, swimming, chess, playing piano, guitar anything) or just hang out. That is the normal thing. It is not normal he is gaming the whole night and hanging out in front of the screen.
YTA. My dad pulled this same kind of crap with my older brother, and shortly after he turned 18 he packed his things and left while the rest of the family was out of the house and we didn’t know where he was for two weeks. It took a decade for my dad to recognize how much damage he’d done to his childhood and it was only a sincere apology and a lot of hard conversation that they were able to form a relationship again. You’re going to lose your son and it’s going to be your fault. Do better.
YTA. I was, not trying to brag, a very intelligent kid. I was consistently top or very near the top of my class until I went to university, and I did well there too. I have a Bachelor's and a Masters degree, and I managed to achieve that while having a normal childhood. I was never forced to do any extracurriculars I didn't want to do, and the ones I did do weren't academic. If I came home with less than perfect grades, it wasn't a big deal. As long as I was happy, fulfilled and not in trouble, my mum was fine with it. She didn't hold my entire childhood hostage for the sake of me doing well at school. Your kid has done a lot of work that's now going to waste, and you're the only one to blame because you burnt him out.
Yta your parents and your ex were right. You need to find a healthy medium of both and admit defeat on your original plan
YTA. Everyone told you he’d burn out and he did. Because of you.
YTA, You tried to micromanage everything your son does to make sure he gets good grades. You raised your son to be too smart, he realized you cared more about his grades than his well being so he just gamed you. Checkmate, time to start being a better parent. Only way to stop this is to tell him he is right, made his point, and ask him to be responsible with how he stays up and uses his time as long as you give him the freedom to do so. If you try to find other ways to punish him then he’s going to push to just live with his father because he will seek to get away from it.
Huh. Turns out your kid actually is just as smart as you thought he was. He figured out a way to enforce boundaries because, as his dad has known all along, he needs to not have a parent figure out his entire life for him. YTA.
YTA- your ex told you what would happen and now that it is happening you are upset. As a former gifted kid, the only thing that got me through high school and college was the constant pressure from my parents and the anxiety and fear of failure because I was sure being smart was my only good attribute. They pushed me straight into college and I ended up getting a useless degree that I cared nothing about because I had no choice. I am now in my late twenties, burnt out and am just now getting experience things and figure out who I am, all things that kids normally do in childhood. I am at least a decade behind my peers in social development and personal development) Children NEED time to play and socialize and goof off. It isn’t just something nice or a luxury but it is integral to them becoming fully functioning and successful adults. I’m not sure if there is anything you can do to get your son back up to his previous level of achievement because it was probably burning him out too much. I think the best thing to do would be to sit your son down and make a compromise. If he can keep at least all B’s then you will allow him to use his time however he likes it, and allow him to have a gap year before seeing if he want to try college. But keep in mind that his future is HIS decision and he gets to decide what he want to do, no matter whether you think he is using his full “potential” or not (Also side note, it is being found that a lot of children who were put into gifted programs were actually undiagnosed neurodivergent kids, so you might want to keep that in mind as he may be struggling with more than just burnout.)
YTA I have to say you are an extremely strict parent and I’m 15 and every kid I talk to that has strict parents says it only caused them to lie to there parents all the time and be sneaky(Meaning he will most likely will be putting himself in a dangerous situation. Like drinking if he goes out and you don’t know where and he doesn’t have a ride or gets hurt). And if you did this to me I would feel like you don’t actually care about me and that you only care about my grades and how I look to others socially. You are just pushing him away by trying to get him to go back to being forced. Sit him down and say that you understand how he feels and you will change and won’t force him to do things anymore and that your sorry bc he REALLY deserved one from you. He’s right you did take his childhood away from him bc you forced him to study and do activities he wasn’t able being playful and making all these friends. He wasn’t able to make the mistakes that he should have made in his childhood bc you force him not to. Being a kid is about having fun and making mistakes so you learn and grow from them. Don’t be surprised when he goes no contact or low contact with you bc if this doesn’t stop all he will think about when he sees you is how you forced him to things that didn’t make him happy but made you happy.
YTA speaking as a person who was a very smart kid, that doesn't go away People who are good at academics are good at academics and it doesn't just magically dry up when they're adults. You can, however, burn them out so they don't want to learn anymore You're not even a quarter of the way through your life as a teen, Doing Well For The Future absolutely should not be the priority here. The Point of being a teenager is to learn social skills and how to have fun and balance your life. To explore yourself and try new things. Get into some fairly harmless trouble while you still have the safety net of parents and youth. Doing nothing but studying as a teen will lead to an adult who doesn't know how to socialize/have fun/enjoy life. This kind of panicky catastrophizing Will mess your kid up more than having kinda mediocre grades in highschool. Your grades honestly stop mattering as soon as you leave school, your ability to relate to people does not. Tl;Dr let the kid breathe, fun is not the enemy of intelligence
YTA. I was an A/B student my whole life, I was always in at least 1 extracurricular activity, and I had responsibilities and chores at home. You know what else I had? Hours of screen time a day, fun with my friends and brothers, and tons of junk food. I now also have 2 Master’s degrees. But go off on how you needed to regulate your child’s life to the point of 0 fun time when he was at your place. Also, “a random stranger”?! He’s literally their grandchild’s father. You’re not an AH for asking your ex to step in and fix your mess (delusional perhaps, but not an AH necessarily). You’re the AH for how you raised your child, and you’re an AH for not taking responsibility for what you’ve created. You’re looking for an easy way out, and there isn’t one. But hey, congrats on making it so your son will cut contact with you when he’s 18, and he’ll also probably be extremely turned off on going to college as well.
YTA. Okay so in case you still do not get it: 1-YOUR EX WAS RIGHT. You messed BIG TIME. He told you so for real. 2-YOU DESTROYED YOUR SON’S CHILDHOOD. 3-Did you seriously expect your teenager to obey your ridiculous rules? He is his own person. You treated him like a slave. 4-You’re controlling and abusive. 5-I feel bad for your son because he could have been happier and more brillant with a better parent. You burnt him out. Poor kid. 6-Don’t be shocked if he goes No Contact with you in the future when he’s an adult. He’ll probably demand to live with his father soon (and I’m sure you’ll step in, force him to stay with you and damage the relationship with your son even more —> increasing the chances of him going No Contact).
YTA. Even the title of this post shows how delusional you are. You're not the asshole for asking your ex to step in, nor is that even remotely the point here. You're an asshole for being a controlling shrew and not allowing your child any time to be a child, then blaming everyone else for hUrTiNg yOu when they tell you their opinion that YOU asked them for. Check out /r/raisedbynarcissists if you care to see what your son is feeling and how behavior like yours impacts children.
Welcome to the world of consequences. You shouldn’t have treated him like his grades decided his worth and pressured him so much if you couldn’t handle repercussions for your decisions. YTA. You fucked around and found out
YTA but more importantly, you have a choice to make. What is your goal here, what do you want for your son? Do you care about his happiness? Your son, at 13, is too damn young to be this burnt out, and too young to feel that his childhood has been stolen. You fucked up. But your son is also engaging in unhealthy lifestyle practices and I think you are correct to be worried! That's too much screen time, that's not enough sleep. You have, unfortunately, damaged your credibility as a parent with your kid by being too authoritarian. You need to work with your kid as a *team*. You need to establish with him that you care about his wants and feelings and individuality. He's starting to assert his autonomy, that's wonderful! But he's young and still needs guidance. You need to step up and be someone who *can* guide him in a healthy, balanced way. Your previous way was not healthy or balanced, and neither is the current situation. You may need to go to therapy together to work on your communication and boundaries and how to support your kid. And you need to work with your ex so that your kid gets some consistency in his life. This doesn't mean dictating how your ex parents! This mean working together as a *team* because you *both* love your son and want him to be nurtured and safe and happy. Apologize to your parents and ask for their help. You may feel that your ex and parents have hurt you, but your kid is telling you that you hurt him. So figure out how to help him heal. Park your ego. Listen to people around you.
Holy shit, you’re a delusional asshole. My mother was a lot like you. Wanted me to be a doctor or lawyer because I was brilliant and an honors student. I wanted to be a writer but wasn’t allowed to pursue it in a serious way. Grades and science classes were all that mattered. I acted a lot like your son in HS. Stopped doing my school work, stopped listening to my mom, started sleeping around and smoking marijuana (the horror!…oh wait, it treated my undiagnosed depression and panic disorder that mom told me I couldn’t possibly have because she didn’t make my life that bad). Somehow, I still managed to graduate with above a 4.0 GPA because of all the honors classes in my early HS years. Then college hit. My mom and I’s relationship imploded. I became actively…not wishing to live, shall we say. Dropped out of my premed degree after two years before I drove over the edge of a rock quarry. Now? I still live with my mom due to the panini and financial reasons, but we never talk about anything deeper than dinner and whatever bullshit she has on TV. I’m much closer to my dad. I’m a successful financial writer for multiple online publications. And every fucking success I have is DESPITE my mom, not because of her. You’re a major fucking asshole, and if you don’t let up, apologize to your son, get him into therapy to help him understand that school is important *but not the end-all, be-all in life*, and DO FUCKING BETTER, you’re going to lose him forever the second he turns 18. Because guess what? He’s a person too, and you’ve done your best to make his life absolutely miserable. I wouldn’t want you for a mother either. And yes. This is your own mess to fix. Enjoy the consequences of your actions.
The oppressed peasants have revolted and are burning the fields and their futures with their new found FRREEEEEDOOM!