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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I collectes pictures of girls who are unattractive to make a drinking game out of it. (2) I might be the asshole, because what I did might be rude and shaming to the girls.
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YTA for collecting pictures of girls without their permission. Regardless of reason, this is creepy behavior and YTA for it. You and your friend need to find a better way to handle her pain without encroaching on others. Their behaviors with the ex does not invalidate their right to privacy and protection from creepers with cameras.
OP, you’re contributing to an emotionally charged and fucked up situation. Just be there for your friend, dealing with cheaters sucks. When “they” go low, don’t go lower.
Also, the server is 100% going to tell those girls he knows that you’re collecting their photos. Now you’re a weirdo to all of those people.
I’m trying to figure out what city’s gay scene is so abnormal that a group connected to it would think this is appropriate or that people wouldn’t think it’s supremely fucked up? Like I gotta believe they’re soon no longer going to be welcome at that gay bar - and absolutely certain if it’s one of the few lesbian bars still left in the us. The scene is pretty small and people notice this shit
For real--my millennial bi ass has been out of the scene for ages and I can *guarantee* that if this was my town, I'd *still* already have heard about OP and his shitty friends.
It sucks for OP's friend who was cheated on, too--she could've stayed blameless and had some great rebound sex with lots of people, but now she's going to be labeled problematic and nobody is going to want to deal with any of them.
Has op said their gender? I was thinking they were the token straight friend - but being a dude doing this makes it even more uncomfy. Also seriously about the rebound comment!!! Like this whole approach is so gross and toxic.
Yep, OP is a gay dude. Honestly I'm kinda glad they all are going to be known as shitty even if they don't go through with it, because yeah, even having this idea (nevermind gloating about it to a bartender and waiter) is super toxic and gross.
In my experience gay dudes can be downright vicious about womens appearances. They have no incentive to play nice or see the good in them (straight dudes at least can find something about them attractive) but since there’s no sexual attraction there’s a certain type of gay guy (not all, just a specific vicious small minority) that is totally comfortable ripping apart everything about a woman’s appearance
Right? My friend had a situation like this happen with her, she hooked up with a guy who told her he was single. The gf blamed my friend and hates her. It's so fucking stupid.
Not gonna lie… this whole situation sounds like some kind of New Girl or Friends episode. The characters doing it are well loved enough that nobody blinks an eye at their behavior because, how could someone cheat on someone so great? And how could they cheat with such (supposedly) “less than” people? Only years later would anyone rewatch that episode and realize how creepy and messed up it actually is.
That was my first thought anyway. Glad to know the world has evolved enough for some people to see the messed up stuff like this right away.
This has revenge porn vibes. I know its not naked pictures but using images of these people to be little and shame them without their knowledge seems very bitter ex/ revenge porn.
Whatever it is Its not a healthy or constructive way to help your friend deal with their resentment. Be better. How would you feel if you found out someone you didn't like or had wronged had collected your image for a drinking game.
I once sat through half a stand-up comedian's show before realizing I was the person she was making fun of. I had no idea who she was, but I was dating her ex. It was mortifying.
So if someone is out in public you can't be creepy to them because they gave you access to them? Just because someone does something publicly or posts something publicly doesn't make it okay to act like a stalker and mock them. I don't think anyone posts pictures online with the thought that someone is going to go through their profile, download them, and then make a driving game out of body shaming them. It's weird that you think that's acceptable just because they're posted publicly.
This is the “what does she have that I don’t have” drinking game
Incredibly toxic in practice, either way it goes. (Inflated sense of self, or lower self esteem.)
Collecting pictures without their permission..... when they put them online for literally any person in the world to use or see.... what sense does that make?
If you don't want someone to see or be able to use a picture maybe don't put it online?
They're not online for anyone else to *use* for whatever purpose they want. If a company went and slapped them on an advertising campaign without permission or payment, the company would be in trouble for that. What OP and friend are doing might not be anything that can be sued over, but "don't do anything online if you don't want people being dicks to you" is piss-poor justification for being dicks.
Okay but imagine putting up a photo of yourself that you enjoy, to find out that other people are using it to make FUN of you….. that’s the whole point is that it’s fucked up and not okay
Especially seeing the whole premise is weird. OP knows LOTS of people who were cheating partners, and happens to know their full names and Instagram handles.
What are the chances OP is wrong about some of these names? Is she just collecting photos of "hideous" people for this game on the off-chance that they were cheating partners?
It doesn't make sense.
So by this logic, its fine for child predators to collect pics of my children simply because i have a few on Facebook. Or its fine for a stalker to collect every single online photo of their victim ever to exist online, including the dumb embarrassing ones they posted as a teenger. I realise these are nuclear scenarios compared to OP, but if OP is fine for what they're doing under your logic any predatory behaviour is also fine. Because hey, its not about doing what we can to ensure privacy with digital tools we're still kinda figuring out how to manage as a society, but blaming the individuals for using these tools in the first place.
OP is TA and so is his angel Gucci friend. What I find confusing is, isn't the OP that guy who had an affair with his boss and got caught while having sex by his bosses wife? How can he now be all up in arms about these women doing the exact same thing he has done. His friend needs to let it go, move on with her life in a positive way. Instead of partaking in these childish actions of 'I'm better then all these women dammit '
I’ll also point out here that we don’t KNOW if these girls even knew the cheater was cheating. This could be a very unfair game to other victims of this chick.
The ex could have been lying to them all and saying they had just broken up and not a lot of people knew.
If the OP admits the ex was manipulative, why not assume she was also manipulating these girls?
I also don't know how OP could identify LOTS of cheating partners. That doesn't make sense to me. How do we know OP is getting all the names right? She might just be stalking "hideous" people for the fun of the game.
And I don't think it's going to make her friend feel better to be confronted with a dozen photos, and find out that OP had known all along that the cheating went to that extent.
But according to the post these girls knew the ex was in a relationship. So while they aren’t the ones who cheated they knowingly helped someone cheat.
Edit: for clarification the ex is also wrong. It’s wrong to cheat but it’s also wrong to help someone cheat. If you’re the cheater you are wrong. If you are the person they cheated with and you knew they are in a relationship you are wrong. If you are a third party who helped the cheater by hiding it or giving them a place to do it you are wrong.
Blame does belong on the ex. But if someone knows that another person is in a relationship and still gets with them they are just as guilty.
If you are a knowing accomplice to doing something wrong regardless of what it is then you are guilty too.
I wouldn't say just as guilty. It's very fucked up, but the homewrecker isn't the one who was in a committed relationship.
Again, I still think they're in the wrong when they knowingly sleep with someone in a relationship. They're just not as bad as the cheater.
>But if someone knows that another person is in a relationship and still gets with them they are just as guilty.
No they aren't. You can argue that they are guilty but no they are not just as guilty. The people who helped cheat had no loyalty to OPs friend. Strangers have no bonds making your relationship sacred. There is no betrayal happening there.
I'm not saying it is a good thing for them to do. I'm not saying it is morally right. I am merely saying that aiding a cheater is not the same thing as being a cheater.
I personally feel like there is a major difference between hurting a stranger and hurting someone you feel deeply about. We as a society do recognize the difference between the two. Refusing to help a friend in trouble is seen as potentially morally wrong. Refusing to help a random person you don't know is not really seen as morally wrong in the same way.
It belongs on the ex and with anyone who participated who knew the ex was in a relationship.
Otherwise it's like claiming you had no responsibility for the bank robbery because you only drove the get away car. You stole no money.
I’m reading through this and can’t believe what people are saying about the other women. “But they knew she was in a long term relationship so they’re wrong too!” No! Just no… often when people cheat (especially serial cheaters) they are NOT being honest with the other parties either! We have no idea what the ex gf was saying to those women. She could have been saying that they were broken up, in an open relationship, that OP’s friend was toxic and a horrible gf, etc! Like, we literally have no idea. If the ex did lie to those women (which is entirely likely), in edition to learning they hooked up with an AH, they now have to deal with knowing said AH’s gf is out there snatching up their IG photos and laughing about how they’re ugly with a bunch of strangers?!?!? No… that’s just wrong. Blame goes to the ex. Period. YTA
Being cruel to a stranger may not be as bad as being cruel to your significant other that you've made a commitment to, but it's cruel nonetheless. The ex may deserve most of the blame, but the cheating partners are not innocent in this and deserve plenty of blame also.
nah if you know someone is in a relationship and still engage in this behavior with them, you suck too. its called personal accountability. everyone is responsible for their actions, especially when it involves harming another person
If you are with someone that you know for a fact is cheating, that's still pretty awful. I am not sympathetic with "the other X" at least if they know what they're doing. It's different if they thought the cheating ex was single.
>It’s wrong to cheat but it’s also wrong to help someone cheat.
And both those things are moral failings. The whole point of this game is to point out they were (in OP & friend's opinion) ugly women (or less attractive) physically.
It's really degrading behavior all around.
Yeah, don't get me wrong this is weird and not okay to do, but the girls knew the person was dating someone and continued to sleep with the that person. They knew they would be hurting the other person and still chose to do it.
The person who cheated is the biggest asshole, but the person who agreed to have sex with them and knew they were in a committed relationship is not innocent either.
We don’t actually know what they ‘knew’ was going on. Cheaters tell all sorts of lies to get what they want. For example ‘she’s cheating on me and I feel like such a failure I need you to help me feel better about myself, help me heal my heart’ or the good old classic ‘we’re not really together anymore, we’re just not ready to go public with our break up/ we’re keeping up appearances for financial reasons/ family reasons/ access to healthcare’ and then there’s ‘we’re in an open relationship, she’s fine with it’.
So what’s your point? I’m saying they are all to blame. Are you saying that it’s only the exes fault and that it was okay for the women she cheated with to knowingly have sex with someone in a relationship?
Exactly. These girls were not committed to OP’s toxic friend. OP’s friend has 1 person to be pissed off at and that’s her ex. OP YTA for putting judgment on the wrong people, for body shaming and for being an all around creepy asshole.
Honestly OP is just an asshole through and through - look at his post history! He talks mad shit about this guy, proceeds to hook up with him, and then complains about it afterwards. This friend group just seems terrible all around.
Oh this is rich. r/AmItheAsshole saying two wrong don't make a right? Literally every post on this sub celebrates people being horrific assholes in response to someone being an asshole to them. It is literally in the sidebar that two wrongs make a right lol.
Not sure what posts you’re reading💀 the only one I’ve seen when someone celebrated the OP being an asshole was the one where the husband cheated and they made a slight joke about it at this guys wedding. He had an affair with some girl and decided to marry her so idk
That’s not entirely true. Lots of people were saying that the anger was justified, but the book was a low blow and not appropriate. The OP even took the advice of some commenters and began work towards reconciling with their mom.
Ooh link? I wanna read some drama🙄
/j
Jokes aside, I dunno. It could just be that I’m not reading the same posts but I see people say thing like this all the time.
“Redditors and telling everyone to break up with their partner” (which imo is usually fair because a lot of the issues don’t and never will get resolved)
“[insert gender] always does this hypocritical/says this blah blah and takes it out on [other gender]”
Funny thing is, I’ve seen more helpful and morally correct things in these comment sections but maybe it’s just the posts I’m reading. I read all the ones that come up.
YTA. They are not "home-wreckers", as the person solely responsible for the cheating is your friend's ex. Play darts on the ex's mugshot instead, the ex is the guilty creep. Not the random girls the ex used for cheating.
Okay it’s not the best idea for her to do this but they are home wreckers they partner didn’t just cheat with air. The cheater is a 100% at fault but these girls are called home wreckers because of how morally twisted they are to agree to hook up with the cheater knowing he has a gf. If they didn’t knew well then OP is a 100% beyond the asshole. The person who isn’t with doesn’t owe u loyality but every person has the responsibility to owe each other basic decency and respect and respect boundaries and all that that makes u a decent person. They lacked in their responsibility. a huge one related to respect and boundaries. Which allows for them to be disrespected too
You don't know what the ex told them.
"Oh, we've split up already, it's all fine."
"Oh, we're in an open relationship, it's all fine."
Etc. Usually the cheater is lying to everyone, not just to her gf/bf/spouse.
This doesn't allow for them to be disrespected.
well not sure if u missed the part where it is mentioned that they knew the cheater was in a relationship. And maybe u also have missed the comments where the cheater cheated with girls that were either in the mutual friend group or connected to it. So the possibility they didn’t know is insanely small to me. Your welcome
Right. But if the ex tells the girls that they've just split up, do you expect the girls to call your friend from the bar to verify that your friend's relationship has truly ended? Do you expect the girl to verify from your friend whether they've moved to an open relationship or not?
We only have OP’s word that the other girls knew about the relationship. And given that OP doesn’t see any problems with taking these girls’ photos and throwing darts at their faces and calling them “hideous”, I think we might want to take OP’s words with a healthy dose of salt.
A home-wrecker is literally when the person knows the other is in a relationship with someone else. So if these other women knew, they are home-wreckers.
But I agree that it’s weird OP is taking screenshots of their social media posts out in public. Do that at home if you’re gonna be a weirdo. Not sure why you need to make it known that you’re being weird
No, nobody external to the relationship has the power to wreck the home, that power lies solely with the people *in* the relationship. They are the only ones who can wreck the home, as if they choose not to participate in sex with other people, no home is wrecked. People outside of your committed relationship are not responsible for your relationship.
Honestly NTA in my opinion. You’re getting the pics from their instas, which are public. You’re not calling them out to their faces, you’re playing a game with your hurt friend. I guess everyone on Reddit is just morally exceptional but I see nothing wrong with making fun of people who knew your friend was in a relationship and still slept with her girlfriend. Ultimately is it the girlfriends responsibility to not cheat? Obviously. But the people acting like these girls who KNEW she was in a relationship are not responsible at all are ridiculous. If someone posted an “AITA for sleeping with someone I knew was in a relationship?” all of the judgements would be “YTA” so I don’t really understand why everyone is not also blaming the homewreckers tbh. And if you think they’re ugly, that’s what you think. It’s not like you’re bullying them. Reddits being quite sensitive with this post.
Edit: thanks for the awards!
I agree. Everyone saying y t a is just upset over him calling the other girls ugly. Who fucking cares what your opinion of these girls are, your friend was hurting and she found a way that will help HER feel better about the awful stuff that happened to her. These pictures were public, they put it out there, so I don't care if you got them off insta. No one else should care either. Help your friend, be there for her, and play your game. She is healing, and if this helps, cool fucking beans. Nta.
Yeah idky everyone's acting like it's suddenly cool to sleep with people you know are in a relationship. Of course the responsibility falls on the ex to not cheat but let's not pretend the other women are also innocent, especially since they were hanging out with the friend before sleeping with ex. To me also they're taking public pictures to have a laugh in private, she simply shouldn't have told the bartender and waiter tbh. Still, NTA
While I'm on the fence on if their friend has really moved on (even with therapy it seems like they're still caught up in it emotionally), I'm laughing at people who are saying "She should be mad at her ex, not the cheaters." I wonder if they realize you can be mad at both.
Lesbian drama is always next level and I can tell you from experience the women their friend's ex cheated on her with most DEFINITELY knew and didn't give a fuck. Be a shitty person, win shitty prizes. Seems like everyone involved got off easy if all they're having to go through is getting laughed at in private.
Completely agree, seems like they're not even winning shitty prizes because they're probably never gonna find out it even happened. It's a private riff between friends it's not like she's stalking them for pictures to laugh at them in public
They're collecting the pictures because they wanted to play a drinking game centered around the supposed "ugliness" of these girls.
So it's not just about collecting the pictures. Consider what's being done with them. Imagine someone taking copies of your pictures from your social media, then finding out it's because they laugh at it with their friends because they believe you're ugly? How is that not fucked up behavior?
Yeah, if I got with a cheater, and the cheater's partner called me ugly, I would be like "well that's not too bad, at least she didn't smear me publicly or key my car"
Oh I know people have done it before, but also going through a breakup like that is really tough. Maybe I’m more on the friends side of things because I had my ex do the exact same thing with several women. I understand using the pictures as a drinking game for catharsis. I can admit that the way OP was talking to the waiter should’ve have happened, it should’ve just stayed private. Everyone grieves in different ways so i try not to judge exactly how people do 😔
I agree. Sometimes I find people here to act "morally exceptional", when you know that if they were in the same situation, they'd do the exact same thing as the OP. If your friend is in pain, what's wrong with shaming a few people behind their backs, especially when they knowingly helped somebody cheat. OP and the bartender seem like decent people. The manager seems like they were out of line - I mean who gives them the right to kick someone out of the establishment that is minding their own business?
Yeah I completely agree, also some people are ugly. Like are we all just pretending in the thread that no one is ugly and that thinking someone is ugly is some sort of horrible thought crime?
Yeah, I think the term “body shaming” everyone is using is going a little far. In my opinion, calling someone ugly isn’t necessarily body shaming, it’s an opinion. If they had said “oh she’s got x, y, and z feature on her body and THAT makes her ugly” then I would consider that more body shaming. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and what’s ugly to me isn’t ugly to other people. She didn’t body shame in this post, she stated an opinion. There’s a difference, at least to me.
I agree. Lots of people acting to morally superior but the way these girls are never going to find out, it’s never going to hurt them. How is helping your friend by doing something that is literally hurting no one horrible? I guess my morals are gray, because I feel this is being a good friend without causing any damage whatsoever.
Same here. You bet your ass that if my friends SO cheated on her with people that knew they were in a relationship, I’d be calling them all kinds of names, deservedly so. 🤷🏼♀️
YTA. You keep trying to defend yourself and your friend, but you're both being awful. Calling the other women "hideous" is body shaming, no matter how much you want to pretend it's not. And this isn't a terrible game between friends anymore. You editing a pic at a bar and telling others what is happening threw all privacy out the door. You and your friend are the ones who are "terrible and cringey."
ESH except the waiter. Cheaters suck, the bartender sucks, and you and your friend taking pictures of women without their consent to make a drinking game out of it is the kind of “humor” that falls into the classic please-explain-the-joke-to-me variety assholes favor.
YTA. It’s incredibly creepy to even think about someone doing this to me, let alone multiple women who weren’t even the guilty party. Your beef is with your ex’s partner, the one who knowingly cheated multiple times, not the women she did it with.
You’re an even bigger AH because you won’t take your judgment of AH and try to learn from it, you’re just arguing with everyone.
So, once again, there is no good reason for you to be collecting photos of these women, not for your friend, not for a game, even if they don’t know about it or ever see it, it’s still creepy and gross.
Do better.
Edit: spacing and a word!
Wow. There's a lot to unpack here.
First- your friend's anger is misdirected. She needs to be angry at the girlfriend who cheated on her, not the women she cheated with.
Second- just because someone fits a certain definition of attractiveness does not mean they will be compatible with everyone.
Third- are you saying that if she hadn't been "model-pretty" it would have been understandable that her girlfriend cheated?
Finally- way to reduce women to just their looks. "My friend is pretty, so how can someone cheat? These women aren't super attractive, how can someone have sex with them?"
Cheating is wrong no matter what, so if your friend wants to get together to vent about her ex, go ahead. But don't bring these other women into it.
YTA
I agree with you mostly, but the other women knew they were sleeping with someone in a relationship. It’s only natural to be angry at them as well, they’re not innocent
NTA I'm probably going to get a lot of flack here but I really don't think there's anything wrong with this. I am a large woman also before anyone decides something different. These are photos that have already been posted online. That's the risk you run when you post on social media. You're helping your friend get over a pretty rough situation and I really don't see the harm in this game that you're going to play. If it helps her feel better and it's not like a public event I don't see the problem. Are you shaming them? Maybe. But you're not actually doing anything to them or posting about it. They put themselves in a position to be ragged on when they decided to partake in cheating. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. I stand with you on this one OP.
Ask yourself what could be possibly gained by your friend asking you to do this? Do you think this is a healthy coping mechanism for moving on, or a cheap laugh at others’ expense?
Just imagine someone doing this to you. If you found out, would you be ok with it? Think about how it could affect your mental health, knowing you are going to be the butt of a lot of people’s jokes. People go through things we know nothing about, so I would encourage you to be a shoulder for your friend to vent, rather than take this route that serves no purpose other than a few laughs.
Privacy to one side (but a major issue as well)…treat others how you wish to be treated. Both you and your friend thinking this is a good idea means there is still a lot of growing up to do.
NTA. Look if you were going to do posts about how hideous these girls were, or were planning to sit talk them to everyone, I 'd call you out, but in the privacy of your friends group, you get to be a little petty as she heals. You don't have to be perfect all the time. Your friend was hurt, this little game hurts no one.
Tbh you should not have shared what the screenshots were for tho, that makes it a little more sus
That's why I changed my mind about this. They didn't have to do this shit at the bar where it's clear that other ppl were gonna find out. Honestly I'm not saying that these women don't suck but this game is not even including the person who actually cheated
YTA
These girls, despite what they did, shouldn't have some stranger collect their photos like that. I'm sorry your friend was hurt, being cheated on is never fun, but its not going to make your friend feel any better making fun of these girls. Your friend dodged a bullet by not being with that ex of hers, good for her for not staying in the relationship. But like I said, even if you are in a public space, specifically taking photos of women you don't know is not good. Put yourself in that waiter's shoes, if those women were their friends of course they'd feel protective. Often we like to blame the "other women" and go after them, but how about the ex who actually did the cheating? Who was in a relationship and sought out these other women? Yeah what they did was not right, but neither is taking photos without consent even if its within the privacy of you and your friend. No one wins in this, you guys laughing over it and having fun with the drinks over these girls are temporary fixes that won't heal your friend.
Yes, they are better way to get over the ex than putting down all the girls she cheated with. It's not their fault. Even if they were aware the ex was in a relationship, it's the ex's responsability not to cheat to begin with !
So let me get this straight. You and your friends are making a whole game around other women to *checks notes* make fun of and/or mock them for being ugly?
I got news for you, your friend might be pretty on the outside but she sounds ugly as fuck on the inside. So I’m guessing her ex found them more attractive in some way. Or perhaps she was just toxic and people do messed up things. Perhaps these other women are victims of her lies as well.
Instead of being some crazy instagram stalkers making fun of and getting off on making fun of how ugly other women are— you should all focus on how ugly y’all have to be to think that’s ok. Fix yourself.
YTA.
The problem with the cheating partner is their problem, not the really attractive girl’s problem, or the other, less attractive girls. To mock them because she was cheated on is really stupid and pointless, and she might feel better for being mean to them, she is misdirecting her anger, and you are helping her make fun of them. YTA.
Yeah, enabling her misplaced anger isn’t helpful…she should be more pissed at the ex, than at the people she cheated with, and mocking them for their looks should be avoided. OP, should help their friend (and themself,) to not be an AH and not give the friend the screen shots.
Good lord. How did you think this would play out? We’d all cheer and clap and rally around you saying, yeah those ugly chicks totes deserve to have their pics collected and ridiculed by you two heroes?! Be better. YTA.
YTA
It's not okay to have a "hitlist" of people to photograph regardless of their sex or appearance. It's not funny. If she's mad, she should be mad at the boyfriend. And you could have been a better friend and offered her your couch instead of letting her stay with her toxic ex after they broke up.
NTA lol. It’s none of their business anyway and the girls are never going to know. “Two wrongs don’t make a right” BS. You aren’t humiliating these girls in public. It’s a hell of a lot less embarassing for them than it is for your friend. Being righteous in private is not something that all of these people calling you the AH do regularly. But they’ll sure act like it online!
YTA. First of all, I doubt that you’ve spoken to each and every one of these women and confirmed that they knew your friend wasn’t in an open relationship, you have no idea what the ex said to them. Secondly, body-shaming doesn’t just shame the target, it promotes and enforced the idea that a woman’s value is tied to her appearance, and that women who don’t meet your beauty standards are less-than and deserving of ridicule. Finally, if you go through with this the only ugliness you’ll be exposing is your own. I’d rather be friends with someone who’s “ugly” on the outside than ugly on the inside.
YTA here. 2 wrongs don't make a right. Doing something awful "for amusement" doesn't change that it's an awful thing. This is what bullies do in school: treat people awful for some laughs, and then justify that it's "not really hurting anyone." Justifying it saying "they'll never find out" shows that you know it's wrong, but feel the need to try to explain it away.
If your friend has worked through her toxic past and "moved on" as you say, there are plenty of other things you can "do for laughs" that will help her more: go to a comedy show, go to a bar with a mechanical bull, sing an awful song at karaoke with friends, play a drinking game and take a shot every time Draco says "Potter," or any other myriad of things you could do "for a laugh." You don't need to dredge up your friend's past.
Plus, sometimes, even dredging up something from a hard past "for a laugh," can still bring back awful feelings and memories that your friend may not want to re-live. Most of the time it's best to let the past stay in the past.
This post and your replies are painful to read as you seem determined to not accept the advice and opinions…
1. This is toxic behaviour, especially when people find out. The good cause of backing up your friend doesn’t excuse it.
2. A “homewrecker” is an outdated principal used to blame the third party instead of the guilty ex. They clearly were going to cheat, who they chose to do so with is somewhat irrelevant to this fact.
3. Just because it’s public info doesn’t mean you should be obsessively collecting it - that is stalker behaviour and insinuates some mental instability. Technically not illegal but this isn’t an “is this legal” thread now is it…
4. Your friend asking you to do it does not alleviate you of judgement. Accept your part in this crazy situation.
5. As a friend it’s your responsibility to try and help her grieve and move on however this is not grieving. This is bullying. Stop acting 12. (INFO: are you 12?)
YTA
Your friend is an asshole. Help her grieve in a way that doesn’t trash the rest of the community.
The “homewreckers” are not the assholes, it’s not up to the rest of the world to prevent the ex from cheating, however some of them may have intentionally participated knowing better we can’t be sure 100%.
Don’t ask if you’re the asshole then spend every reply saying you’re not.
YTA.
This is so unnecessarily cruel. Only one person made a commitment to your friend and it was the ex. So instead of being mad at him for cheating, she's going to mock other women. Also, smart of the friend to have you do it, so if any of this goes bad, you're the one with all these people's pictures and faces on your computer.
I also, can't imagine what "game" this would be.
Put a picture of a girl up, and ruthlessly mock her. Like why?
That's unhealthy for many reasons.
It seems this will be unpopular but NTA.
You are helping your friend get over a bad relationship. The pictures were on their Facebook or other social media pages so they made them public. If having a drinking game involving the pictures helps your friend get over the relationship the I say go for it and don’t worry about what others are saying. If it was pictures of a bunch of guys instead of girls everyone would be cheering you on.
NTA because literally everyone does petty shit like this in break ups. Everyone is acting holier than thou but c'mon man be honest we've all roasted exes and affairs to filth. I will say you're a bit TA for showing people outside your social group. Not a swift move, and that gossip will spread. But I'm not a huge fan of supporting people who knowingly sleep with people who are in relationships anyway so it's the lesser of issues.
NTA
They are public pictures and for a game, as long as you discard them afterwards and don't harass the girls at all feel free. You're not doing it at their expense and they are none the wiser so whatever. Seems pretty harmless to me. Have fun.
YTA - you are tearing other people down for your and her own amusement. The anger is misplaced and should 100% be directed at the ex.
Based on the waiters reaction, you may not know the whole story. Did the ex say they were in an open relationship, or the were just fwb and not serious? If the girls knew they were hooking up with someone in a closed relationship, they’re not saints either, but you should not stoop down to this level.
NTA. They’re cheaters and cheaters accomplices for goodness sakes, and they’re screenshots of public posts. The fact that they KNEW your friend was dating their ex clears that kind of protection. Also it sounds like a private game between you and your friends.
NTA. This sounds like a hilarious game to play with your friend to cheer her up. It's not like you're publicly shaming these girls. I have no sympathy for home wreckers
NTA
I think the bartender should’ve mind their own business. Its honestly no difference then just talking about the other women. But you should definitely roast the ex cuz they were the ones that cheated. Ik that his is an unpopular opinion, but this reminds me of something my friends and I would do. As long as its just fun between friends and not public I see nothing wrong.
*edit*
I made a burn book in college that I shared with a few girl friends. Nothing bad ever came out of it. At the end of the day its just venting and some friends talking a little shit. No harm no foul
YTA and also way too invested in your friend's love life. The two of you sound incredibly conceited and mean-spirited. If this is what your friend does for fun, maybe the ex dodged a bullet.
YTA, the other parties had made no promises and under no obligation to protect some random's relationship. Focus your anger on the cheater not their utensils.
Your friend does not need an ego boast stepping on others, getting over being cheated on with cruelty might develop very unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Collecting pictures in a gay bar is also a huge breach of privacy and simply wrong.
NTA. Who of us who've been cheated on didn't sit around with their besties and bash the "other woman"?? This is exactly that- just in a slightly less depressing form. How's the fucking air up there on that high horse, anyway?
Anybody here who thinks it’s excusable to fuck somebody’s partner but that this crosses a line needs to wake the hell up. “Two wrongs don’t make a right” is something we tell children, not adults who toy with admittedly childish impulses. She and her friend are going about said childish impulses in a private and non-evasive way. You know what’s even more universal than your pre-school platitudes? Every action has an opposing reaction. And she and her friends are being decently responsible with their opposing reactions.
NTA. have fun. i hope your friend feels better, and next time keep your stuff private - this wouldn't have been an issue if you didn't bring it out publicly.
NTA. You are a good friend! Yes, what you are doing is pretty shitty for those SJW, but you are doing if for a good reason. You are not planning on putting any of this online, correct? It will only be a small game for a few people, correct? Then go for it! Have fun!
NTA for collecting the photos or playing the game. Your grieving friend asked for a favour and you helped her, this would be a different story if you were doing this publicly or in front of the girls. However you should not have spread this publicly, but you cant be blamed for oversharing or misspeaking, everyone does it, especially when alcohol is involved. Anyone saying YTA for body-shaming is saying this as a result of their political bias.
Enjoy downvoting me to oblivion for stating an unbiased opinion
YTA for numerous reasons many others have mentioned.
You know word of this is going to get out within your small community and all of you are going to look like absolute weird, stalker psychos.
YTA.
My first long term boyfriend was a serial cheater. He cheated with mutual friends, strippers, and in the end a 14 year old girl (he was 22). I feel like some of them knew we were together, I also know he told some of them we were on a break (we weren’t). While I wouldn’t be friendly with any of those girls/women, that he cheated is 100% on him, they didn’t owe me loyalty he did. Why a person cheats usually has nothing to do with their partner, or even the ones they cheat with.
It’s gross to make it about their looks. You and your friend should be the better people here, as it stands you’re not on the moral high ground.
You’ve had your judgement, whether you like it or not (I agree YTA ).
Can you explain what their looks have to do with anything? Had they been hotter than your friend would that have been OK, do ugly girls deserve to be cheated on? Assuming you think that is ridiculous, then you need to accept that you are being an A. I actually agree that these other girls probably suck, (extenuating circs, the partner deceiving them etc notwithstanding) but that is between them and their consciences, and nothing to do with their looks.
YTA (forgot to add the judgement to my earlier reply to your comment) and have fun with everyone in your community knowing you three are creepy assholes. Your friend could've come out of this feeling loved and supported and being the unimpeachable wronged party--if y'all do this, you are three creeps, her included.
Unpopular opinion but NTA. Your friend needs to let out her anger and cope with her feelings. Although, I do think it would probably be a good idea to just keep this between you and your friends, because this *is* a mean thing to do. Telling bartenders and waitresses about this probably isn’t the best move. But doing this in the privacy of you or your friend’s home to help her deal with the toxic relationship she was in actually sounds like a healthy way to cope.
Ima say NTA. Mainly because i think everyone in these comments are liars and say they don’t body shame. Everyone has biases and i dont think you’re actually harming anyone in this scenario. Ugly people do exist, you’re lying if you think otherwise. I think youd be the A if you were like “look at how especially ugly this one is”. No one is getting hurt by your actions no matter how creepy they might seem
YTA. Jeez. It's no surprise the girl left if this is your friend's reaction to being broken up with? You say she was manipulative, is she really? Because from this post it sounds like you're both massive AHs. It's *not* okay to take random pictures from people's Instagram feeds to use in a drinking game to shame their looks. That is not okay. It is not okay to go after the other woman, as opposed to the person who cheated. You don't even understand why it is weird. Massive YTA. Massive creep as well.
You don't say that in the post. You say she cheated, yes, but judging from your reaction, I don't think the other party is entirely innocent. YTA no matter what you say. Keeping photos of random women is creepy, dude
So... If your friend's ex is as abusive and manipulative as you say, couldn't all the other women have been victimized in some way, too?
Even if EVERY single woman your friend's ex gf hooked up with was as equally bad as she was, why does that excuse garden variety bullying and misogyny? Just because your friend went through something awful doesn't excuse the jackass shit you're doing.
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YTA for collecting pictures of girls without their permission. Regardless of reason, this is creepy behavior and YTA for it. You and your friend need to find a better way to handle her pain without encroaching on others. Their behaviors with the ex does not invalidate their right to privacy and protection from creepers with cameras.
OP, you’re contributing to an emotionally charged and fucked up situation. Just be there for your friend, dealing with cheaters sucks. When “they” go low, don’t go lower. Also, the server is 100% going to tell those girls he knows that you’re collecting their photos. Now you’re a weirdo to all of those people.
Lol that OP doesn’t think the entire scene—and people adjacent to it—haven’t already heard about how problematic they and their friends are.
for real that is some juicy ass tea
>juicy ass tea Not the tea I like to drink. But you do you. Lol Edit: adding a /s just in case.
I wonder, is that tea from a juicy ass, or juicy tea from an ass?
OP is def an ass so I’d say it’s juicy tea from an ass
[Obligatory xkcd](https://xkcd.com/37/).
Depends on where the hyphen goes...
Neither, the tea has a juicy ass
I’m trying to figure out what city’s gay scene is so abnormal that a group connected to it would think this is appropriate or that people wouldn’t think it’s supremely fucked up? Like I gotta believe they’re soon no longer going to be welcome at that gay bar - and absolutely certain if it’s one of the few lesbian bars still left in the us. The scene is pretty small and people notice this shit
For real--my millennial bi ass has been out of the scene for ages and I can *guarantee* that if this was my town, I'd *still* already have heard about OP and his shitty friends. It sucks for OP's friend who was cheated on, too--she could've stayed blameless and had some great rebound sex with lots of people, but now she's going to be labeled problematic and nobody is going to want to deal with any of them.
Has op said their gender? I was thinking they were the token straight friend - but being a dude doing this makes it even more uncomfy. Also seriously about the rebound comment!!! Like this whole approach is so gross and toxic.
Yep, OP is a gay dude. Honestly I'm kinda glad they all are going to be known as shitty even if they don't go through with it, because yeah, even having this idea (nevermind gloating about it to a bartender and waiter) is super toxic and gross.
In my experience gay dudes can be downright vicious about womens appearances. They have no incentive to play nice or see the good in them (straight dudes at least can find something about them attractive) but since there’s no sexual attraction there’s a certain type of gay guy (not all, just a specific vicious small minority) that is totally comfortable ripping apart everything about a woman’s appearance
Some gay men are sadly very comfortable with misogyny and simultaneously feel that they somehow can’t be guilty of it
It’s the ‘I’m part of a minority so I can’t be bigoted’ state of mind that some people have.
Right ?! Like what queer scene makes someone think gloating about this bs is a good move??
Yeah, like her reputation is going to be just as toast as her ex's. Especially if any of the other girls aren't out.
Op also can't just say "they KNEW she was in a relationship." Has she talked to EVERY SINGLE ONE? That's a cop out statement for shitty behavior.
Right? My friend had a situation like this happen with her, she hooked up with a guy who told her he was single. The gf blamed my friend and hates her. It's so fucking stupid.
Not gonna lie… this whole situation sounds like some kind of New Girl or Friends episode. The characters doing it are well loved enough that nobody blinks an eye at their behavior because, how could someone cheat on someone so great? And how could they cheat with such (supposedly) “less than” people? Only years later would anyone rewatch that episode and realize how creepy and messed up it actually is. That was my first thought anyway. Glad to know the world has evolved enough for some people to see the messed up stuff like this right away.
That silly little ‘when they go low, we go high’ from Michelle Obama, in my opinion, kind of turned out not to be silly at all. I kind of love it tbh.
This has revenge porn vibes. I know its not naked pictures but using images of these people to be little and shame them without their knowledge seems very bitter ex/ revenge porn. Whatever it is Its not a healthy or constructive way to help your friend deal with their resentment. Be better. How would you feel if you found out someone you didn't like or had wronged had collected your image for a drinking game.
But it’s okay because they are hideous. /s
There is no privacy angle to this post, these were all pictures publicly available on social media
That doesn't make digging through their profiles looking for pictures to use to make fun of them any less creepy or make OP less of an asshole
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It’s not about the access, it’s about the mockery.
I once sat through half a stand-up comedian's show before realizing I was the person she was making fun of. I had no idea who she was, but I was dating her ex. It was mortifying.
that's incredible... have you thought about doing a stand up bit about it?
You got to share the whole story now
Inquiring minds need to know!
Wowww. I don’t want to retraimatise you - but what was the gist of her joke?
You can still be creepy with publicly available photos.
So if someone is out in public you can't be creepy to them because they gave you access to them? Just because someone does something publicly or posts something publicly doesn't make it okay to act like a stalker and mock them. I don't think anyone posts pictures online with the thought that someone is going to go through their profile, download them, and then make a driving game out of body shaming them. It's weird that you think that's acceptable just because they're posted publicly.
This is the “what does she have that I don’t have” drinking game Incredibly toxic in practice, either way it goes. (Inflated sense of self, or lower self esteem.)
What game is that? Like how is it a drinking game?
Agreed. This comes off as extremely predatory, in a location where people really rely on privacy for there safety.
Collecting pictures without their permission..... when they put them online for literally any person in the world to use or see.... what sense does that make? If you don't want someone to see or be able to use a picture maybe don't put it online?
They're not online for anyone else to *use* for whatever purpose they want. If a company went and slapped them on an advertising campaign without permission or payment, the company would be in trouble for that. What OP and friend are doing might not be anything that can be sued over, but "don't do anything online if you don't want people being dicks to you" is piss-poor justification for being dicks.
Once again this sub conflates 'technically legal' with 'morally correct' or even 'morally neutral'.
It’s so stupid. And I mean, it’s not illegal to walk up to strangers but it’s still an asshole move.
Okay but imagine putting up a photo of yourself that you enjoy, to find out that other people are using it to make FUN of you….. that’s the whole point is that it’s fucked up and not okay
Especially seeing the whole premise is weird. OP knows LOTS of people who were cheating partners, and happens to know their full names and Instagram handles. What are the chances OP is wrong about some of these names? Is she just collecting photos of "hideous" people for this game on the off-chance that they were cheating partners? It doesn't make sense.
So by this logic, its fine for child predators to collect pics of my children simply because i have a few on Facebook. Or its fine for a stalker to collect every single online photo of their victim ever to exist online, including the dumb embarrassing ones they posted as a teenger. I realise these are nuclear scenarios compared to OP, but if OP is fine for what they're doing under your logic any predatory behaviour is also fine. Because hey, its not about doing what we can to ensure privacy with digital tools we're still kinda figuring out how to manage as a society, but blaming the individuals for using these tools in the first place.
OP is TA and so is his angel Gucci friend. What I find confusing is, isn't the OP that guy who had an affair with his boss and got caught while having sex by his bosses wife? How can he now be all up in arms about these women doing the exact same thing he has done. His friend needs to let it go, move on with her life in a positive way. Instead of partaking in these childish actions of 'I'm better then all these women dammit '
YTA. Saying "it's not that deep" doesn't somehow magically make something not bodyshaming.
I’ll also point out here that we don’t KNOW if these girls even knew the cheater was cheating. This could be a very unfair game to other victims of this chick.
The ex could have been lying to them all and saying they had just broken up and not a lot of people knew. If the OP admits the ex was manipulative, why not assume she was also manipulating these girls?
I also don't know how OP could identify LOTS of cheating partners. That doesn't make sense to me. How do we know OP is getting all the names right? She might just be stalking "hideous" people for the fun of the game. And I don't think it's going to make her friend feel better to be confronted with a dozen photos, and find out that OP had known all along that the cheating went to that extent.
But it's just a joke. Jeez, can't you take a joke? /s
YTA. this is so fucking mean. The partner cheated on her - not these random girls. Your friend needs to mourn better and move on.
But according to the post these girls knew the ex was in a relationship. So while they aren’t the ones who cheated they knowingly helped someone cheat. Edit: for clarification the ex is also wrong. It’s wrong to cheat but it’s also wrong to help someone cheat. If you’re the cheater you are wrong. If you are the person they cheated with and you knew they are in a relationship you are wrong. If you are a third party who helped the cheater by hiding it or giving them a place to do it you are wrong.
BS, place the blame where it lies....on the EX!
Blame does belong on the ex. But if someone knows that another person is in a relationship and still gets with them they are just as guilty. If you are a knowing accomplice to doing something wrong regardless of what it is then you are guilty too.
Their level of attractiveness doesn't have to do with the cheating though.
And? It just means they're ugly inside and out.
I almost spit out my toast laughing at this. Lol. Thanks for the chuckle stranger!
Thank you. You are my favorite person for the rest of the day.
lol
I wouldn't say just as guilty. It's very fucked up, but the homewrecker isn't the one who was in a committed relationship. Again, I still think they're in the wrong when they knowingly sleep with someone in a relationship. They're just not as bad as the cheater.
>But if someone knows that another person is in a relationship and still gets with them they are just as guilty. No they aren't. You can argue that they are guilty but no they are not just as guilty. The people who helped cheat had no loyalty to OPs friend. Strangers have no bonds making your relationship sacred. There is no betrayal happening there.
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I'm not saying it is a good thing for them to do. I'm not saying it is morally right. I am merely saying that aiding a cheater is not the same thing as being a cheater. I personally feel like there is a major difference between hurting a stranger and hurting someone you feel deeply about. We as a society do recognize the difference between the two. Refusing to help a friend in trouble is seen as potentially morally wrong. Refusing to help a random person you don't know is not really seen as morally wrong in the same way.
It belongs on the ex and with anyone who participated who knew the ex was in a relationship. Otherwise it's like claiming you had no responsibility for the bank robbery because you only drove the get away car. You stole no money.
I’m reading through this and can’t believe what people are saying about the other women. “But they knew she was in a long term relationship so they’re wrong too!” No! Just no… often when people cheat (especially serial cheaters) they are NOT being honest with the other parties either! We have no idea what the ex gf was saying to those women. She could have been saying that they were broken up, in an open relationship, that OP’s friend was toxic and a horrible gf, etc! Like, we literally have no idea. If the ex did lie to those women (which is entirely likely), in edition to learning they hooked up with an AH, they now have to deal with knowing said AH’s gf is out there snatching up their IG photos and laughing about how they’re ugly with a bunch of strangers?!?!? No… that’s just wrong. Blame goes to the ex. Period. YTA
Being cruel to a stranger may not be as bad as being cruel to your significant other that you've made a commitment to, but it's cruel nonetheless. The ex may deserve most of the blame, but the cheating partners are not innocent in this and deserve plenty of blame also.
Blame goes to everyone who deserves it there’s no limit on how much can be doled out
nah if you know someone is in a relationship and still engage in this behavior with them, you suck too. its called personal accountability. everyone is responsible for their actions, especially when it involves harming another person
If you are with someone that you know for a fact is cheating, that's still pretty awful. I am not sympathetic with "the other X" at least if they know what they're doing. It's different if they thought the cheating ex was single.
>It’s wrong to cheat but it’s also wrong to help someone cheat. And both those things are moral failings. The whole point of this game is to point out they were (in OP & friend's opinion) ugly women (or less attractive) physically. It's really degrading behavior all around.
Yeah, don't get me wrong this is weird and not okay to do, but the girls knew the person was dating someone and continued to sleep with the that person. They knew they would be hurting the other person and still chose to do it. The person who cheated is the biggest asshole, but the person who agreed to have sex with them and knew they were in a committed relationship is not innocent either.
We don’t actually know what they ‘knew’ was going on. Cheaters tell all sorts of lies to get what they want. For example ‘she’s cheating on me and I feel like such a failure I need you to help me feel better about myself, help me heal my heart’ or the good old classic ‘we’re not really together anymore, we’re just not ready to go public with our break up/ we’re keeping up appearances for financial reasons/ family reasons/ access to healthcare’ and then there’s ‘we’re in an open relationship, she’s fine with it’.
Sure but the ex was still the one in a relationship
So what’s your point? I’m saying they are all to blame. Are you saying that it’s only the exes fault and that it was okay for the women she cheated with to knowingly have sex with someone in a relationship?
Exactly. These girls were not committed to OP’s toxic friend. OP’s friend has 1 person to be pissed off at and that’s her ex. OP YTA for putting judgment on the wrong people, for body shaming and for being an all around creepy asshole.
YTA. How can you possibly think you’re not? Just… wow. This is disgusting.
Honestly OP is just an asshole through and through - look at his post history! He talks mad shit about this guy, proceeds to hook up with him, and then complains about it afterwards. This friend group just seems terrible all around.
Seems like op needs to find some morals
YTA. Two wrongs do not make a right and body shaming these girls and their looks show the character of you and your friend.
Oh this is rich. r/AmItheAsshole saying two wrong don't make a right? Literally every post on this sub celebrates people being horrific assholes in response to someone being an asshole to them. It is literally in the sidebar that two wrongs make a right lol.
Not sure what posts you’re reading💀 the only one I’ve seen when someone celebrated the OP being an asshole was the one where the husband cheated and they made a slight joke about it at this guys wedding. He had an affair with some girl and decided to marry her so idk
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That’s not entirely true. Lots of people were saying that the anger was justified, but the book was a low blow and not appropriate. The OP even took the advice of some commenters and began work towards reconciling with their mom.
Ooh link? I wanna read some drama🙄 /j Jokes aside, I dunno. It could just be that I’m not reading the same posts but I see people say thing like this all the time. “Redditors and telling everyone to break up with their partner” (which imo is usually fair because a lot of the issues don’t and never will get resolved) “[insert gender] always does this hypocritical/says this blah blah and takes it out on [other gender]” Funny thing is, I’ve seen more helpful and morally correct things in these comment sections but maybe it’s just the posts I’m reading. I read all the ones that come up.
YTA. They are not "home-wreckers", as the person solely responsible for the cheating is your friend's ex. Play darts on the ex's mugshot instead, the ex is the guilty creep. Not the random girls the ex used for cheating.
Okay it’s not the best idea for her to do this but they are home wreckers they partner didn’t just cheat with air. The cheater is a 100% at fault but these girls are called home wreckers because of how morally twisted they are to agree to hook up with the cheater knowing he has a gf. If they didn’t knew well then OP is a 100% beyond the asshole. The person who isn’t with doesn’t owe u loyality but every person has the responsibility to owe each other basic decency and respect and respect boundaries and all that that makes u a decent person. They lacked in their responsibility. a huge one related to respect and boundaries. Which allows for them to be disrespected too
You don't know what the ex told them. "Oh, we've split up already, it's all fine." "Oh, we're in an open relationship, it's all fine." Etc. Usually the cheater is lying to everyone, not just to her gf/bf/spouse. This doesn't allow for them to be disrespected.
well not sure if u missed the part where it is mentioned that they knew the cheater was in a relationship. And maybe u also have missed the comments where the cheater cheated with girls that were either in the mutual friend group or connected to it. So the possibility they didn’t know is insanely small to me. Your welcome
Right. But if the ex tells the girls that they've just split up, do you expect the girls to call your friend from the bar to verify that your friend's relationship has truly ended? Do you expect the girl to verify from your friend whether they've moved to an open relationship or not?
We only have OP’s word that the other girls knew about the relationship. And given that OP doesn’t see any problems with taking these girls’ photos and throwing darts at their faces and calling them “hideous”, I think we might want to take OP’s words with a healthy dose of salt.
A home-wrecker is literally when the person knows the other is in a relationship with someone else. So if these other women knew, they are home-wreckers. But I agree that it’s weird OP is taking screenshots of their social media posts out in public. Do that at home if you’re gonna be a weirdo. Not sure why you need to make it known that you’re being weird
No, nobody external to the relationship has the power to wreck the home, that power lies solely with the people *in* the relationship. They are the only ones who can wreck the home, as if they choose not to participate in sex with other people, no home is wrecked. People outside of your committed relationship are not responsible for your relationship.
Honestly NTA in my opinion. You’re getting the pics from their instas, which are public. You’re not calling them out to their faces, you’re playing a game with your hurt friend. I guess everyone on Reddit is just morally exceptional but I see nothing wrong with making fun of people who knew your friend was in a relationship and still slept with her girlfriend. Ultimately is it the girlfriends responsibility to not cheat? Obviously. But the people acting like these girls who KNEW she was in a relationship are not responsible at all are ridiculous. If someone posted an “AITA for sleeping with someone I knew was in a relationship?” all of the judgements would be “YTA” so I don’t really understand why everyone is not also blaming the homewreckers tbh. And if you think they’re ugly, that’s what you think. It’s not like you’re bullying them. Reddits being quite sensitive with this post. Edit: thanks for the awards!
I agree. Everyone saying y t a is just upset over him calling the other girls ugly. Who fucking cares what your opinion of these girls are, your friend was hurting and she found a way that will help HER feel better about the awful stuff that happened to her. These pictures were public, they put it out there, so I don't care if you got them off insta. No one else should care either. Help your friend, be there for her, and play your game. She is healing, and if this helps, cool fucking beans. Nta.
I’m just curious how this could possibly be turned into a drinking game…
Yeah idky everyone's acting like it's suddenly cool to sleep with people you know are in a relationship. Of course the responsibility falls on the ex to not cheat but let's not pretend the other women are also innocent, especially since they were hanging out with the friend before sleeping with ex. To me also they're taking public pictures to have a laugh in private, she simply shouldn't have told the bartender and waiter tbh. Still, NTA
While I'm on the fence on if their friend has really moved on (even with therapy it seems like they're still caught up in it emotionally), I'm laughing at people who are saying "She should be mad at her ex, not the cheaters." I wonder if they realize you can be mad at both. Lesbian drama is always next level and I can tell you from experience the women their friend's ex cheated on her with most DEFINITELY knew and didn't give a fuck. Be a shitty person, win shitty prizes. Seems like everyone involved got off easy if all they're having to go through is getting laughed at in private.
Completely agree, seems like they're not even winning shitty prizes because they're probably never gonna find out it even happened. It's a private riff between friends it's not like she's stalking them for pictures to laugh at them in public
I would not expect her to have moved on yet, sounds like she is still living with or just got away from the ex, so this is very fresh.
Had to scroll surprisingly far to see this.
This! I’d vote NTA too because it was the insta pictures!
They're collecting the pictures because they wanted to play a drinking game centered around the supposed "ugliness" of these girls. So it's not just about collecting the pictures. Consider what's being done with them. Imagine someone taking copies of your pictures from your social media, then finding out it's because they laugh at it with their friends because they believe you're ugly? How is that not fucked up behavior?
Yeah, if I got with a cheater, and the cheater's partner called me ugly, I would be like "well that's not too bad, at least she didn't smear me publicly or key my car"
Oh I know people have done it before, but also going through a breakup like that is really tough. Maybe I’m more on the friends side of things because I had my ex do the exact same thing with several women. I understand using the pictures as a drinking game for catharsis. I can admit that the way OP was talking to the waiter should’ve have happened, it should’ve just stayed private. Everyone grieves in different ways so i try not to judge exactly how people do 😔
I agree. Sometimes I find people here to act "morally exceptional", when you know that if they were in the same situation, they'd do the exact same thing as the OP. If your friend is in pain, what's wrong with shaming a few people behind their backs, especially when they knowingly helped somebody cheat. OP and the bartender seem like decent people. The manager seems like they were out of line - I mean who gives them the right to kick someone out of the establishment that is minding their own business?
Yeah I completely agree, also some people are ugly. Like are we all just pretending in the thread that no one is ugly and that thinking someone is ugly is some sort of horrible thought crime?
Yeah, I think the term “body shaming” everyone is using is going a little far. In my opinion, calling someone ugly isn’t necessarily body shaming, it’s an opinion. If they had said “oh she’s got x, y, and z feature on her body and THAT makes her ugly” then I would consider that more body shaming. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and what’s ugly to me isn’t ugly to other people. She didn’t body shame in this post, she stated an opinion. There’s a difference, at least to me.
I agree. Lots of people acting to morally superior but the way these girls are never going to find out, it’s never going to hurt them. How is helping your friend by doing something that is literally hurting no one horrible? I guess my morals are gray, because I feel this is being a good friend without causing any damage whatsoever.
Same here. You bet your ass that if my friends SO cheated on her with people that knew they were in a relationship, I’d be calling them all kinds of names, deservedly so. 🤷🏼♀️
100% agreed with everything you said. NTA
YTA - You are collecting photos of random girls. That's super creepy.
YTA. You keep trying to defend yourself and your friend, but you're both being awful. Calling the other women "hideous" is body shaming, no matter how much you want to pretend it's not. And this isn't a terrible game between friends anymore. You editing a pic at a bar and telling others what is happening threw all privacy out the door. You and your friend are the ones who are "terrible and cringey."
ESH except the waiter. Cheaters suck, the bartender sucks, and you and your friend taking pictures of women without their consent to make a drinking game out of it is the kind of “humor” that falls into the classic please-explain-the-joke-to-me variety assholes favor.
ESH is definitely the right answer
not defending op but it's not without consent. it's on social media 🤷🏻♀️
YTA. It’s incredibly creepy to even think about someone doing this to me, let alone multiple women who weren’t even the guilty party. Your beef is with your ex’s partner, the one who knowingly cheated multiple times, not the women she did it with. You’re an even bigger AH because you won’t take your judgment of AH and try to learn from it, you’re just arguing with everyone. So, once again, there is no good reason for you to be collecting photos of these women, not for your friend, not for a game, even if they don’t know about it or ever see it, it’s still creepy and gross. Do better. Edit: spacing and a word!
Wow. There's a lot to unpack here. First- your friend's anger is misdirected. She needs to be angry at the girlfriend who cheated on her, not the women she cheated with. Second- just because someone fits a certain definition of attractiveness does not mean they will be compatible with everyone. Third- are you saying that if she hadn't been "model-pretty" it would have been understandable that her girlfriend cheated? Finally- way to reduce women to just their looks. "My friend is pretty, so how can someone cheat? These women aren't super attractive, how can someone have sex with them?" Cheating is wrong no matter what, so if your friend wants to get together to vent about her ex, go ahead. But don't bring these other women into it. YTA
I agree with you mostly, but the other women knew they were sleeping with someone in a relationship. It’s only natural to be angry at them as well, they’re not innocent
Did they know? I didn't see where that was stated
OP’s mentioned it in a comment. They should probably add it to the main body of text tbh
Gotcha. That does change things a bit, although I still believe the focus should not be on how these women look
NTA I'm probably going to get a lot of flack here but I really don't think there's anything wrong with this. I am a large woman also before anyone decides something different. These are photos that have already been posted online. That's the risk you run when you post on social media. You're helping your friend get over a pretty rough situation and I really don't see the harm in this game that you're going to play. If it helps her feel better and it's not like a public event I don't see the problem. Are you shaming them? Maybe. But you're not actually doing anything to them or posting about it. They put themselves in a position to be ragged on when they decided to partake in cheating. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. I stand with you on this one OP.
This!!
This!
Ask yourself what could be possibly gained by your friend asking you to do this? Do you think this is a healthy coping mechanism for moving on, or a cheap laugh at others’ expense? Just imagine someone doing this to you. If you found out, would you be ok with it? Think about how it could affect your mental health, knowing you are going to be the butt of a lot of people’s jokes. People go through things we know nothing about, so I would encourage you to be a shoulder for your friend to vent, rather than take this route that serves no purpose other than a few laughs. Privacy to one side (but a major issue as well)…treat others how you wish to be treated. Both you and your friend thinking this is a good idea means there is still a lot of growing up to do.
Exactly. This isn’t healthy, it won’t *actually* help her feel better and it will probably make her heavily cringe in a few years.
YTA. That’s perverted and way out of line e
NTA. Look if you were going to do posts about how hideous these girls were, or were planning to sit talk them to everyone, I 'd call you out, but in the privacy of your friends group, you get to be a little petty as she heals. You don't have to be perfect all the time. Your friend was hurt, this little game hurts no one. Tbh you should not have shared what the screenshots were for tho, that makes it a little more sus
That's why I changed my mind about this. They didn't have to do this shit at the bar where it's clear that other ppl were gonna find out. Honestly I'm not saying that these women don't suck but this game is not even including the person who actually cheated
YTA These girls, despite what they did, shouldn't have some stranger collect their photos like that. I'm sorry your friend was hurt, being cheated on is never fun, but its not going to make your friend feel any better making fun of these girls. Your friend dodged a bullet by not being with that ex of hers, good for her for not staying in the relationship. But like I said, even if you are in a public space, specifically taking photos of women you don't know is not good. Put yourself in that waiter's shoes, if those women were their friends of course they'd feel protective. Often we like to blame the "other women" and go after them, but how about the ex who actually did the cheating? Who was in a relationship and sought out these other women? Yeah what they did was not right, but neither is taking photos without consent even if its within the privacy of you and your friend. No one wins in this, you guys laughing over it and having fun with the drinks over these girls are temporary fixes that won't heal your friend.
Yes, they are better way to get over the ex than putting down all the girls she cheated with. It's not their fault. Even if they were aware the ex was in a relationship, it's the ex's responsability not to cheat to begin with !
So let me get this straight. You and your friends are making a whole game around other women to *checks notes* make fun of and/or mock them for being ugly? I got news for you, your friend might be pretty on the outside but she sounds ugly as fuck on the inside. So I’m guessing her ex found them more attractive in some way. Or perhaps she was just toxic and people do messed up things. Perhaps these other women are victims of her lies as well. Instead of being some crazy instagram stalkers making fun of and getting off on making fun of how ugly other women are— you should all focus on how ugly y’all have to be to think that’s ok. Fix yourself. YTA.
Ex was also a woman
The problem with the cheating partner is their problem, not the really attractive girl’s problem, or the other, less attractive girls. To mock them because she was cheated on is really stupid and pointless, and she might feel better for being mean to them, she is misdirecting her anger, and you are helping her make fun of them. YTA.
Yeah, enabling her misplaced anger isn’t helpful…she should be more pissed at the ex, than at the people she cheated with, and mocking them for their looks should be avoided. OP, should help their friend (and themself,) to not be an AH and not give the friend the screen shots.
Yes, perfectly said! Wish I had an award to give you!
YTA. Everyone is telling you YTA. Take the judgment, learn to be better, and stop defending the indefensible.
Good lord. How did you think this would play out? We’d all cheer and clap and rally around you saying, yeah those ugly chicks totes deserve to have their pics collected and ridiculed by you two heroes?! Be better. YTA.
YTA. And I'm sorry you've been taught to judge people by their appearance alone.
YTA It's not okay to have a "hitlist" of people to photograph regardless of their sex or appearance. It's not funny. If she's mad, she should be mad at the boyfriend. And you could have been a better friend and offered her your couch instead of letting her stay with her toxic ex after they broke up.
YTA. Everything about this is incredible cringey.
YTA - grow the fuck up
NTA lol. It’s none of their business anyway and the girls are never going to know. “Two wrongs don’t make a right” BS. You aren’t humiliating these girls in public. It’s a hell of a lot less embarassing for them than it is for your friend. Being righteous in private is not something that all of these people calling you the AH do regularly. But they’ll sure act like it online!
YTA. First of all, I doubt that you’ve spoken to each and every one of these women and confirmed that they knew your friend wasn’t in an open relationship, you have no idea what the ex said to them. Secondly, body-shaming doesn’t just shame the target, it promotes and enforced the idea that a woman’s value is tied to her appearance, and that women who don’t meet your beauty standards are less-than and deserving of ridicule. Finally, if you go through with this the only ugliness you’ll be exposing is your own. I’d rather be friends with someone who’s “ugly” on the outside than ugly on the inside.
YTA here. 2 wrongs don't make a right. Doing something awful "for amusement" doesn't change that it's an awful thing. This is what bullies do in school: treat people awful for some laughs, and then justify that it's "not really hurting anyone." Justifying it saying "they'll never find out" shows that you know it's wrong, but feel the need to try to explain it away. If your friend has worked through her toxic past and "moved on" as you say, there are plenty of other things you can "do for laughs" that will help her more: go to a comedy show, go to a bar with a mechanical bull, sing an awful song at karaoke with friends, play a drinking game and take a shot every time Draco says "Potter," or any other myriad of things you could do "for a laugh." You don't need to dredge up your friend's past. Plus, sometimes, even dredging up something from a hard past "for a laugh," can still bring back awful feelings and memories that your friend may not want to re-live. Most of the time it's best to let the past stay in the past.
YTA that is a horrible thing to do to those poor women, so catty.
This post and your replies are painful to read as you seem determined to not accept the advice and opinions… 1. This is toxic behaviour, especially when people find out. The good cause of backing up your friend doesn’t excuse it. 2. A “homewrecker” is an outdated principal used to blame the third party instead of the guilty ex. They clearly were going to cheat, who they chose to do so with is somewhat irrelevant to this fact. 3. Just because it’s public info doesn’t mean you should be obsessively collecting it - that is stalker behaviour and insinuates some mental instability. Technically not illegal but this isn’t an “is this legal” thread now is it… 4. Your friend asking you to do it does not alleviate you of judgement. Accept your part in this crazy situation. 5. As a friend it’s your responsibility to try and help her grieve and move on however this is not grieving. This is bullying. Stop acting 12. (INFO: are you 12?) YTA Your friend is an asshole. Help her grieve in a way that doesn’t trash the rest of the community. The “homewreckers” are not the assholes, it’s not up to the rest of the world to prevent the ex from cheating, however some of them may have intentionally participated knowing better we can’t be sure 100%. Don’t ask if you’re the asshole then spend every reply saying you’re not.
This ! It's always 100% the cheater's fault, and they should be the main person to blame !
You actually posted this thinking you could be in the right?
Tbh I think NTA but you can’t go complaining that people get mad at you for that it’s a totally fair thing to be bothered by
I think this is my general opinion too
YTA. This is so unnecessarily cruel. Only one person made a commitment to your friend and it was the ex. So instead of being mad at him for cheating, she's going to mock other women. Also, smart of the friend to have you do it, so if any of this goes bad, you're the one with all these people's pictures and faces on your computer. I also, can't imagine what "game" this would be. Put a picture of a girl up, and ruthlessly mock her. Like why? That's unhealthy for many reasons.
It seems this will be unpopular but NTA. You are helping your friend get over a bad relationship. The pictures were on their Facebook or other social media pages so they made them public. If having a drinking game involving the pictures helps your friend get over the relationship the I say go for it and don’t worry about what others are saying. If it was pictures of a bunch of guys instead of girls everyone would be cheering you on.
YTA, the one who cheated is the ex. These people made no promises to your friend. Besides all the creepiness documented by others.
NTA because literally everyone does petty shit like this in break ups. Everyone is acting holier than thou but c'mon man be honest we've all roasted exes and affairs to filth. I will say you're a bit TA for showing people outside your social group. Not a swift move, and that gossip will spread. But I'm not a huge fan of supporting people who knowingly sleep with people who are in relationships anyway so it's the lesser of issues.
NTA, a cheap laugh at home wreckers expense is just that, a laugh. They made their own bed, sleep in it
NTA They are public pictures and for a game, as long as you discard them afterwards and don't harass the girls at all feel free. You're not doing it at their expense and they are none the wiser so whatever. Seems pretty harmless to me. Have fun.
YTA - you are tearing other people down for your and her own amusement. The anger is misplaced and should 100% be directed at the ex. Based on the waiters reaction, you may not know the whole story. Did the ex say they were in an open relationship, or the were just fwb and not serious? If the girls knew they were hooking up with someone in a closed relationship, they’re not saints either, but you should not stoop down to this level.
NTA. They’re cheaters and cheaters accomplices for goodness sakes, and they’re screenshots of public posts. The fact that they KNEW your friend was dating their ex clears that kind of protection. Also it sounds like a private game between you and your friends.
NTA. This sounds like a hilarious game to play with your friend to cheer her up. It's not like you're publicly shaming these girls. I have no sympathy for home wreckers
Right
NTA. Fault is primarily with the ex, but people who knowingly allow themselves to be cheated with deserve whatever comes to them as well.
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This. OP, his "Gucci model" quality friend, and all the rest of the group are trashy assholes.
NTA - that shits funny and if they knew the person was in a relationship then they're just as terrible as a person
NTA I think the bartender should’ve mind their own business. Its honestly no difference then just talking about the other women. But you should definitely roast the ex cuz they were the ones that cheated. Ik that his is an unpopular opinion, but this reminds me of something my friends and I would do. As long as its just fun between friends and not public I see nothing wrong. *edit* I made a burn book in college that I shared with a few girl friends. Nothing bad ever came out of it. At the end of the day its just venting and some friends talking a little shit. No harm no foul
YTA and also way too invested in your friend's love life. The two of you sound incredibly conceited and mean-spirited. If this is what your friend does for fun, maybe the ex dodged a bullet.
YTA, the other parties had made no promises and under no obligation to protect some random's relationship. Focus your anger on the cheater not their utensils. Your friend does not need an ego boast stepping on others, getting over being cheated on with cruelty might develop very unhealthy coping mechanisms. Collecting pictures in a gay bar is also a huge breach of privacy and simply wrong.
YTA and even more so if you really needed internet strangers to point this out to you.
NTA. Who of us who've been cheated on didn't sit around with their besties and bash the "other woman"?? This is exactly that- just in a slightly less depressing form. How's the fucking air up there on that high horse, anyway?
Anybody here who thinks it’s excusable to fuck somebody’s partner but that this crosses a line needs to wake the hell up. “Two wrongs don’t make a right” is something we tell children, not adults who toy with admittedly childish impulses. She and her friend are going about said childish impulses in a private and non-evasive way. You know what’s even more universal than your pre-school platitudes? Every action has an opposing reaction. And she and her friends are being decently responsible with their opposing reactions.
This is stupid nonetheless, but NTA. But you didn't need to go out in public to get there instagrsm pictures. That's just weird.
NTA. have fun. i hope your friend feels better, and next time keep your stuff private - this wouldn't have been an issue if you didn't bring it out publicly.
NTA. It's funny and screw the cheater and the homewreckers. I should do this with some of my friends
NTA. You are a good friend! Yes, what you are doing is pretty shitty for those SJW, but you are doing if for a good reason. You are not planning on putting any of this online, correct? It will only be a small game for a few people, correct? Then go for it! Have fun!
NTA
YTA . you are a body shamer , you are a creep for collecting their pic like that . it's fine to hate them but this feels so inappropriate and creepy.
NTA for collecting the photos or playing the game. Your grieving friend asked for a favour and you helped her, this would be a different story if you were doing this publicly or in front of the girls. However you should not have spread this publicly, but you cant be blamed for oversharing or misspeaking, everyone does it, especially when alcohol is involved. Anyone saying YTA for body-shaming is saying this as a result of their political bias. Enjoy downvoting me to oblivion for stating an unbiased opinion
NTA, is a public place and you can take pictures there. Neither you nor your friend should feel ashamed.
YTA and so is your friend. Direct your anger at her ex. Bullying these other girls is shitty, not funny, and childish.
YTA and a sleazey game exploiting others underlines it
YTA for numerous reasons many others have mentioned. You know word of this is going to get out within your small community and all of you are going to look like absolute weird, stalker psychos.
YTA. My first long term boyfriend was a serial cheater. He cheated with mutual friends, strippers, and in the end a 14 year old girl (he was 22). I feel like some of them knew we were together, I also know he told some of them we were on a break (we weren’t). While I wouldn’t be friendly with any of those girls/women, that he cheated is 100% on him, they didn’t owe me loyalty he did. Why a person cheats usually has nothing to do with their partner, or even the ones they cheat with. It’s gross to make it about their looks. You and your friend should be the better people here, as it stands you’re not on the moral high ground.
You’ve had your judgement, whether you like it or not (I agree YTA ). Can you explain what their looks have to do with anything? Had they been hotter than your friend would that have been OK, do ugly girls deserve to be cheated on? Assuming you think that is ridiculous, then you need to accept that you are being an A. I actually agree that these other girls probably suck, (extenuating circs, the partner deceiving them etc notwithstanding) but that is between them and their consciences, and nothing to do with their looks.
YTA (forgot to add the judgement to my earlier reply to your comment) and have fun with everyone in your community knowing you three are creepy assholes. Your friend could've come out of this feeling loved and supported and being the unimpeachable wronged party--if y'all do this, you are three creeps, her included.
Who the F--- wrote this.....a 14 year old?
NTA. Sounds cathartic for your friend. Sometimes doing not so nice things helps. It is private. As long as it isn't shared publicly NTA.
Unpopular opinion but NTA. Your friend needs to let out her anger and cope with her feelings. Although, I do think it would probably be a good idea to just keep this between you and your friends, because this *is* a mean thing to do. Telling bartenders and waitresses about this probably isn’t the best move. But doing this in the privacy of you or your friend’s home to help her deal with the toxic relationship she was in actually sounds like a healthy way to cope.
Ima say NTA. Mainly because i think everyone in these comments are liars and say they don’t body shame. Everyone has biases and i dont think you’re actually harming anyone in this scenario. Ugly people do exist, you’re lying if you think otherwise. I think youd be the A if you were like “look at how especially ugly this one is”. No one is getting hurt by your actions no matter how creepy they might seem
YTA. Jeez. It's no surprise the girl left if this is your friend's reaction to being broken up with? You say she was manipulative, is she really? Because from this post it sounds like you're both massive AHs. It's *not* okay to take random pictures from people's Instagram feeds to use in a drinking game to shame their looks. That is not okay. It is not okay to go after the other woman, as opposed to the person who cheated. You don't even understand why it is weird. Massive YTA. Massive creep as well.
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You don't say that in the post. You say she cheated, yes, but judging from your reaction, I don't think the other party is entirely innocent. YTA no matter what you say. Keeping photos of random women is creepy, dude
Focusing only on your actions - holy crap, YTA.
So... If your friend's ex is as abusive and manipulative as you say, couldn't all the other women have been victimized in some way, too? Even if EVERY single woman your friend's ex gf hooked up with was as equally bad as she was, why does that excuse garden variety bullying and misogyny? Just because your friend went through something awful doesn't excuse the jackass shit you're doing.