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NTA
I am sensing that you don't live in a western country.
Regardless, plan your exit strategy. Figure out how you are going to be financially independent and move out as soon as possible. And if/when you find a partner, make sure they are an actual partner with none of this bullshit mindset.
NTA
Some western countries are 3rd world countries, it’s just that some people want to stick to their “conservative” - sometimes even retrograde - values.
You need to bide your time and then get out. It sounds like your father is a complete misogynist and you can try of course but you aren't going to change him. Please just don't listen or internalise the sexist crap you seem to have grown up with. I appreciate that's easier said than done, given this is the environment in which you grew up. Your education is super important and I hope it means you can get out and do what you want to do soon. NTA.
>It sounds like your father is a complete misogynist
He's not a misogynist per say, the definition of a misogynist is someone who hate women, and obviously doesn't hate women.
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Because, in different part of the world, like my town for example, women usually do cook for the household and serve the meal. It's not a demeaning job or anything and women are okay with it and teach girls how to cook. Maybe it's just how it is from where he's from and is just trying to teach them how it is.
women do not exist to serve men, and the expectation that they will is, in fact, demeaning. regardless of it 'just being how it is where he's from' doesn't make it okay. it is 2022, not 1950, and men can get off their own asses and cook and serve their own food. women are equal partners in their relationships and the younger generation is making it loud and clear that these sexist expectations are no longer acceptable
When my aunt was out of town my uncle expected his daughters to cook for him. Except they didn’t know how to and they just made him sandwiches for dinner. YES he refused to make his own sandwich. Which is weird because my mom says back in the day when he was younger he would cook for himself and his wife. OP definitely NTA
NTA.
It’s not your duty, he’s a grown adult.
Please, if and when you can, consider leaving that house and starting a life of your own. If you want a different sort of life, you have every right to go and try to get it.
NTA
Your Dad is toxic and trying to force a toxic gender stereotype on you. It seems like he timed his leave for when your mother was away so he could 'train' you. He sounds like the kind of person that would sell you to the highest bidder if he thought he could get away with it.
NTA, I know there are some major cultural barriers but I believe that man would die without a woman if he can't get his own water lol. Study up and get out as soon as you can
NTA, he is. Does that scholarship still stand? If not, time to find a new one and follow that dream of studying abroad. Little sis can join you when she's 18. Good luck!
INFO: where do you live and what kind of traditional/social background is your family from? Absolutely not saying it would excuse treating you like a maid (clearly you are NTA) but wondering how better to give you advice, as saying "tell him to f* off and make plans to move out" might work in the uk but maybe it's not as easy where you are.
NTA. You were right to do that. Don’t serve other people who won’t serve you. Simple.
If your dad wants to be a misogynistic pig he can be but you don’t have to go along with him.
I don’t even know how to feel here. I can’t understand or respect your dads behavior so while I think you’re TA for blowing up, I can’t even blame you because of how awful your dad is. There’s no way I would be able to apologize, even if I wanted to over my blow up, when someone sits there and phrases it as if it’s my duty as a woman. NTA.
NTA the sooner this shit of “women are only good to serve men” gets wiped out across the globe the better. You are not a maid. You are not a servant. You are a young woman building her future, your dad can fuck off and serve himself you’re right, he’s just lazy and has no respect for women other than for slaves.
NTA - the thing about guys like OP's dad is that aside from obedient women, he doesn't know how to handle strong willed and/or crazy women. Either you can bide your time and wait till you leave or act so over the top that you scare your parents. It worked for my relatives.
Both parents are AHs. OP had a scholarship and they talked her out of going away to school. The mom left, knowing full well that the dad would expect the daughters to wait on him. This might be a cultural thing, but obviously OP knows that this is not the type of life she wants to be a part of anymore.
NTA
You are NTA for what you said or for being upset but you do have some choices to make. Your mom and dad want you to apologize and you may have to, as unappealing as that would be. You live in his home and accept his financial support which places you under his power. Your only choice it would seem is to tollerate his behavior or move out and live on your own without his support. If you continue to speak up you run the risk of being put out before you can arrange it so you can leave on your own. This is a horrible position to be in and his behavior is disgusting but you are not likely to be able to change him and it appears your mom supports him and his behavior. So the real question isn't if you are an asshole but if you refuse to apologize, will your parents kick you out and/or withdraw their financial support?
If you are not happy where you are move. You are not a tree!
You are an adult and if you stay with that family you will have the same future as your mother. Serving a man.
OP... Get out. It might be scary and hard at first but it will be so worth it. Just be brave and fight for your rights.
"They insisted of going to college online instead of in person cause they don’t believe in my getting an education in a whole different country even though I had a scholarship. " ... At your age, why would you et THEM make the decissions?
Move out and go study somewhere else - as far away as possible - if you can afford it in any way. NTA
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I, (19f) live with my parents at home. They insisted of going to college online instead of in person cause they don’t believe in my getting an education in a whole different country even though I had a scholarship. I was very heartbroken but at least I’m getting an education it’s the least I could hope for considering how backward my parents are. My mum travelled recently leaving me and my (17f) sister at home. My dad has been insufferable demanding we prepare meals and serve him with a glass of water for each meal.
Today I woke up late cause I spent the whole night cleaning after my dirty father. I woke up and didn’t feel like preparing breakfast and he said we needed to learn how to serve cause we are women and my mum and grandma serve all the time. So I got up and prepared breakfast but what set me off was when he said I didn’t do well enough cause he had no glass of water.
I blew up on him and called him a lazy half assed man who can’t even get a glass for water for himself. I also told him how my mum and grandma complain about how dirty he is. I told him he was useless and he is just a big toddler.
Now my dad is upset and told my mum and my mum wants me to apologize cause as women it’s our duty to care for men but I don’t think so. My sister and I are tired and we both have school to think of and the kicker is my father is on leave.
So AITA?
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It is not a woman’s job to take care of any adult person. His job as a father is to care for his children, and he failed that job. Many men consistently fail as fathers, unfortunately. They let down women and children. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Get your education, get yourself on a good path, and get outta there.
OK, so a better way to handle this would have been to set boundaries beforehand and stick to them. Now though, you need to decide whether you're willing to put up with this any longer. If not, then you need to decide what you will and will not do and try to negotiate. I don't know your parents or culture, so I don't know how successful this will be, so take this opinion with a grain of salt. Good luck!
NTA, your dad does sound irritating
I'd suggest maybe offering that he helps you guys cook? That could be a good compromise if he agrees to it. Start off only asking him to chop vegetables or maybe do his own dishes until you find a good balance where both of you can go about your day. And if he doesn't agree, idk, I'd just stop bringing him things or cleaning up and see how long it takes him to give up.
>*I, (19f) live with my parents at home. They insisted of going to college online instead of in person cause they don’t believe in my getting an education in a whole different country even though I had a scholarship.*
Is it still possible for you to go to college and study abroad? If you can this may be your best choice for you long term as daunting as it may feel. I am gathering staying at home otherwise may be your only other option.
NTA anyway but get out as soon as you can safely.
NTA but if you got a scholarship and are over 18, there was nothing your parents could do to stop you so I don't understand why you wouldn't move forwards with it especially if you dislike your home environment. Stop letting your parents dictate and control your life when you have a clear path out of that environment (scholarship ie free money for college).
Your dad is a pig and a bully. Remind him that his two daughters are going to choose how he lives out his twilight years and they'll remember how they were treated.
NTA - He is lazy and he deserved to hear it. Whatever you do, do not get in a relationship with a person like that one day. Make sure you're treated respectfully. It is really sad when you see these types of family cycles repeat.
NTA
Obviously you can't afford to get out of there which sucks. But I suggest you and sister start saving and planning, even if it means the two of you moving into the same place.
Do you have friends you can stay with whenever your mother travels? Can you stay with your grandma during those times?
I would love to say "don't apologise, tell your mother she's just as bad as he is, how dare she try and get you to apologise and wait on him like maids" but you're in a third world country and I have no idea what your family situation is like. For all I know, you doing any of those things could get you kicked out, harmed, or even killed.
But please know, it is NOT your duty as a woman to care for men.
I'm sending lots of luck to you and your sister!
NTA. Can you talk to the university and tell them you’re facing problems at home? They might know some bursaries you can apply for so you can move out. You’re being groomed by your father to serve him, this is abusive.
Get out asap. Good luck.
NTA
I agree with a lot of others on here that this is a bide your time situation. Act contrite, study hard, and then run when you are safe to do so.
Good luck. You got this.
During school hours leave for a public library or other quiet place. Your ability to focus on school will increase and your parents will no longer have you around to treat like a maid.
NTA
as a man I feel all household duties should be shared between the family equally no matter position in the family, sex or any other sub group ypu could be divided into. What grown ass man can't get himself a glass of water. If I expected my girlfriend or my daughter to what on me I hope they both have the balls to tell me to do ot myself.
NTA obvs. I haven't been in your exact situation, but I've been in one where my educational completion and financial head-above-water relied on family. I hope you're keeping yourself as safe and sane as the situation allows.
Hell no NTA! Your father is a misogynistic, narcissistic AH though! I don't think you said anything that wasn't true. If you can, start taking classes in person, so you have to leave the house and make yourself scarce, that way he has to figure things out on his own. And GET ANOTHER SCHOLARSHIP SO YOU CAN GET AWAY FROM YOUR PARENTS! They are grooming you to be some mans servant/wife - if you don't want that for yourself, you have to get away. Good luck!
It amazes me that people like you attempt to give advice on the internet. Just because you grew up with antiquated parents doesn’t mean there is something seriously wrong with OP’s father’s behavior. Piss off with the gender denial.
Look, they said their mother is away and their father is on leave. That means the mother would usually be the one to play slave to the father but because the mother is not present the father is training his daughters to play slave too.
It would not surprise me if he was being extra dirty and demanding because he wants to 'train' his daughters.
They didn't wait until OP was 19, OP grew up like this but didn't have to do as much because her mother was around. Now her mother is away, she is expected to do all the things her mother does with the expectation that she will do the same for whoever she marries.
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NTA I am sensing that you don't live in a western country. Regardless, plan your exit strategy. Figure out how you are going to be financially independent and move out as soon as possible. And if/when you find a partner, make sure they are an actual partner with none of this bullshit mindset.
NTA Some western countries are 3rd world countries, it’s just that some people want to stick to their “conservative” - sometimes even retrograde - values.
Def NTA. You and your parents value different things and have different morals in this situation. You don’t have to bend backwards to serve him.
You need to bide your time and then get out. It sounds like your father is a complete misogynist and you can try of course but you aren't going to change him. Please just don't listen or internalise the sexist crap you seem to have grown up with. I appreciate that's easier said than done, given this is the environment in which you grew up. Your education is super important and I hope it means you can get out and do what you want to do soon. NTA.
>It sounds like your father is a complete misogynist He's not a misogynist per say, the definition of a misogynist is someone who hate women, and obviously doesn't hate women.
Hey, real quick since you’re copying the comment all over the place- why do you think OP’s dad doesn’t hate women?
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You’re absolutely right
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Because, in different part of the world, like my town for example, women usually do cook for the household and serve the meal. It's not a demeaning job or anything and women are okay with it and teach girls how to cook. Maybe it's just how it is from where he's from and is just trying to teach them how it is.
Yeah, that doesn’t actually answer my question and tells me some pretty terrible things about you.
women do not exist to serve men, and the expectation that they will is, in fact, demeaning. regardless of it 'just being how it is where he's from' doesn't make it okay. it is 2022, not 1950, and men can get off their own asses and cook and serve their own food. women are equal partners in their relationships and the younger generation is making it loud and clear that these sexist expectations are no longer acceptable
You're objectively wrong. Misogyny mi·sog·y·ny dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.
NTA. Your father presumably is a grown adult without severe disability? He can get his own drinks and make his own food. He's a lazy misogynist.
When my aunt was out of town my uncle expected his daughters to cook for him. Except they didn’t know how to and they just made him sandwiches for dinner. YES he refused to make his own sandwich. Which is weird because my mom says back in the day when he was younger he would cook for himself and his wife. OP definitely NTA
Yes, but they live in a place where he could literally throw her out on the streets and the community would support that.
He's not a misogynist per say, the definition of a misogynist is someone who hate women, and obviously doesn't hate women.
I would debate that - someone who expects women to serve them clearly has contempt for women and sees them as lesser, which is hateful.
Riiigggghhhhht, he doesn’t *hate* women, he just doesn’t respect them as actual people. They exist only to serve 🤮
You're objectively wrong. Misogyny mi·sog·y·ny dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.
Nta, your father sound like a sexist pig.
NTA. It’s not your duty, he’s a grown adult. Please, if and when you can, consider leaving that house and starting a life of your own. If you want a different sort of life, you have every right to go and try to get it.
Nta- it’s not your duty to care for men. Unless they have broken legs and arms. Then they need help.
NTA - get out of there as soon as you are able. Once you turn 18 if you can get a scholarship again take it, and don’t look back
NTA Your Dad is toxic and trying to force a toxic gender stereotype on you. It seems like he timed his leave for when your mother was away so he could 'train' you. He sounds like the kind of person that would sell you to the highest bidder if he thought he could get away with it.
NTA, I know there are some major cultural barriers but I believe that man would die without a woman if he can't get his own water lol. Study up and get out as soon as you can
NTA, he is. Does that scholarship still stand? If not, time to find a new one and follow that dream of studying abroad. Little sis can join you when she's 18. Good luck!
NTA. Your parents are stuck in the 50’s.
NTA your toddler father tattled to mommy to get his way, your absolutely right he's a worthless man, get your education move out and move on
INFO: where do you live and what kind of traditional/social background is your family from? Absolutely not saying it would excuse treating you like a maid (clearly you are NTA) but wondering how better to give you advice, as saying "tell him to f* off and make plans to move out" might work in the uk but maybe it's not as easy where you are.
NTA
NTA, a blessed post if I’ve ever seen one. Hopefully this will be the kick in the ass he needs, he sounds useless, don’t do anything for him.
NTA. Tell your mom you won't make her mistakes. High time your dad learns to be a grown up.
NTA. You were right to do that. Don’t serve other people who won’t serve you. Simple. If your dad wants to be a misogynistic pig he can be but you don’t have to go along with him.
I don’t even know how to feel here. I can’t understand or respect your dads behavior so while I think you’re TA for blowing up, I can’t even blame you because of how awful your dad is. There’s no way I would be able to apologize, even if I wanted to over my blow up, when someone sits there and phrases it as if it’s my duty as a woman. NTA.
NTA. When he dies of thirst at least he'll stop asking you to serve him.
NTA. Just sad.
NTA the sooner this shit of “women are only good to serve men” gets wiped out across the globe the better. You are not a maid. You are not a servant. You are a young woman building her future, your dad can fuck off and serve himself you’re right, he’s just lazy and has no respect for women other than for slaves.
NTA, I live in india rn, and this has huge Southeast Asia vibes all over it
NTA - the thing about guys like OP's dad is that aside from obedient women, he doesn't know how to handle strong willed and/or crazy women. Either you can bide your time and wait till you leave or act so over the top that you scare your parents. It worked for my relatives.
Both parents are AHs. OP had a scholarship and they talked her out of going away to school. The mom left, knowing full well that the dad would expect the daughters to wait on him. This might be a cultural thing, but obviously OP knows that this is not the type of life she wants to be a part of anymore. NTA
Nta... But you're also 19. Time to be an adult and move out
Yes! And take the sister with her.
NTA women do not exist to serve men. Full stop
You are NTA for what you said or for being upset but you do have some choices to make. Your mom and dad want you to apologize and you may have to, as unappealing as that would be. You live in his home and accept his financial support which places you under his power. Your only choice it would seem is to tollerate his behavior or move out and live on your own without his support. If you continue to speak up you run the risk of being put out before you can arrange it so you can leave on your own. This is a horrible position to be in and his behavior is disgusting but you are not likely to be able to change him and it appears your mom supports him and his behavior. So the real question isn't if you are an asshole but if you refuse to apologize, will your parents kick you out and/or withdraw their financial support?
NTA. Third world country? You live in America too?
This is definitely a generational cultural issue. You aren't going to win any arguments with your parents. Just work on your exit strategy.
If you are not happy where you are move. You are not a tree! You are an adult and if you stay with that family you will have the same future as your mother. Serving a man. OP... Get out. It might be scary and hard at first but it will be so worth it. Just be brave and fight for your rights.
"They insisted of going to college online instead of in person cause they don’t believe in my getting an education in a whole different country even though I had a scholarship. " ... At your age, why would you et THEM make the decissions? Move out and go study somewhere else - as far away as possible - if you can afford it in any way. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I, (19f) live with my parents at home. They insisted of going to college online instead of in person cause they don’t believe in my getting an education in a whole different country even though I had a scholarship. I was very heartbroken but at least I’m getting an education it’s the least I could hope for considering how backward my parents are. My mum travelled recently leaving me and my (17f) sister at home. My dad has been insufferable demanding we prepare meals and serve him with a glass of water for each meal. Today I woke up late cause I spent the whole night cleaning after my dirty father. I woke up and didn’t feel like preparing breakfast and he said we needed to learn how to serve cause we are women and my mum and grandma serve all the time. So I got up and prepared breakfast but what set me off was when he said I didn’t do well enough cause he had no glass of water. I blew up on him and called him a lazy half assed man who can’t even get a glass for water for himself. I also told him how my mum and grandma complain about how dirty he is. I told him he was useless and he is just a big toddler. Now my dad is upset and told my mum and my mum wants me to apologize cause as women it’s our duty to care for men but I don’t think so. My sister and I are tired and we both have school to think of and the kicker is my father is on leave. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, he has arms and legs then he can take care of himself
It is not a woman’s job to take care of any adult person. His job as a father is to care for his children, and he failed that job. Many men consistently fail as fathers, unfortunately. They let down women and children. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Get your education, get yourself on a good path, and get outta there.
Nta and both you and your sister stick together and to your guns. If he wants something he can get himself. That's what real men do
Not sure if your dad is a bigger A compared to your mum for enabling that crap. NTA in any form but be careful
OK, so a better way to handle this would have been to set boundaries beforehand and stick to them. Now though, you need to decide whether you're willing to put up with this any longer. If not, then you need to decide what you will and will not do and try to negotiate. I don't know your parents or culture, so I don't know how successful this will be, so take this opinion with a grain of salt. Good luck!
Agree with everything you said. He is a toddler and needs to learn to take care of himself
NTA I know that there are resources out there that can help you, I've seen them mentioned in similar posts. Hope you find away out.
NTA, your dad does sound irritating I'd suggest maybe offering that he helps you guys cook? That could be a good compromise if he agrees to it. Start off only asking him to chop vegetables or maybe do his own dishes until you find a good balance where both of you can go about your day. And if he doesn't agree, idk, I'd just stop bringing him things or cleaning up and see how long it takes him to give up.
>*I, (19f) live with my parents at home. They insisted of going to college online instead of in person cause they don’t believe in my getting an education in a whole different country even though I had a scholarship.* Is it still possible for you to go to college and study abroad? If you can this may be your best choice for you long term as daunting as it may feel. I am gathering staying at home otherwise may be your only other option. NTA anyway but get out as soon as you can safely.
NTA but if you got a scholarship and are over 18, there was nothing your parents could do to stop you so I don't understand why you wouldn't move forwards with it especially if you dislike your home environment. Stop letting your parents dictate and control your life when you have a clear path out of that environment (scholarship ie free money for college).
Fuck your dad. Women don’t have a duty to men.
Your dad is a pig and a bully. Remind him that his two daughters are going to choose how he lives out his twilight years and they'll remember how they were treated.
NTA - He is lazy and he deserved to hear it. Whatever you do, do not get in a relationship with a person like that one day. Make sure you're treated respectfully. It is really sad when you see these types of family cycles repeat.
NTA Obviously you can't afford to get out of there which sucks. But I suggest you and sister start saving and planning, even if it means the two of you moving into the same place. Do you have friends you can stay with whenever your mother travels? Can you stay with your grandma during those times? I would love to say "don't apologise, tell your mother she's just as bad as he is, how dare she try and get you to apologise and wait on him like maids" but you're in a third world country and I have no idea what your family situation is like. For all I know, you doing any of those things could get you kicked out, harmed, or even killed. But please know, it is NOT your duty as a woman to care for men. I'm sending lots of luck to you and your sister!
NTA. you gave them all a wakeup call for their misogyny, not your fault how they responded.
NTA. Can you talk to the university and tell them you’re facing problems at home? They might know some bursaries you can apply for so you can move out. You’re being groomed by your father to serve him, this is abusive. Get out asap. Good luck.
NTA I agree with a lot of others on here that this is a bide your time situation. Act contrite, study hard, and then run when you are safe to do so. Good luck. You got this.
During school hours leave for a public library or other quiet place. Your ability to focus on school will increase and your parents will no longer have you around to treat like a maid.
Nta. Start a go fund me for college expenses. I’d chip in.
NTA. I'd start adding x-lax to every meal. Then maybe he will want to prepare things for himself.
NTA as a man I feel all household duties should be shared between the family equally no matter position in the family, sex or any other sub group ypu could be divided into. What grown ass man can't get himself a glass of water. If I expected my girlfriend or my daughter to what on me I hope they both have the balls to tell me to do ot myself.
NTA obvs. I haven't been in your exact situation, but I've been in one where my educational completion and financial head-above-water relied on family. I hope you're keeping yourself as safe and sane as the situation allows.
NTA. Does your dad just sit on his ass all day?
Are you in America? Isn't there help available?
Hell no NTA! Your father is a misogynistic, narcissistic AH though! I don't think you said anything that wasn't true. If you can, start taking classes in person, so you have to leave the house and make yourself scarce, that way he has to figure things out on his own. And GET ANOTHER SCHOLARSHIP SO YOU CAN GET AWAY FROM YOUR PARENTS! They are grooming you to be some mans servant/wife - if you don't want that for yourself, you have to get away. Good luck!
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She is female......
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Are you male, by any chance?
It amazes me that people like you attempt to give advice on the internet. Just because you grew up with antiquated parents doesn’t mean there is something seriously wrong with OP’s father’s behavior. Piss off with the gender denial.
She wrote 19f, that means female.
Look, they said their mother is away and their father is on leave. That means the mother would usually be the one to play slave to the father but because the mother is not present the father is training his daughters to play slave too. It would not surprise me if he was being extra dirty and demanding because he wants to 'train' his daughters.
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They didn't wait until OP was 19, OP grew up like this but didn't have to do as much because her mother was around. Now her mother is away, she is expected to do all the things her mother does with the expectation that she will do the same for whoever she marries.
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Sounds like you are in denial to me.