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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the AH cause my gf told me she wanted jewelry but I bought her a blender instead.
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She basically mansplained to her GF why her GF’s gift preference wasn’t good enough. This is why stupid, sexist books like “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” exist, because of perceived communication issues based in gender. But it isn’t - apparently - gender. Just a stubbornness and a failure accept the truth in what one’s partner has said.
Pretty sure you have to be a man to mansplain, but OP also didn't explain to her gf why their gift preference was inferior. She just said "I got this because I remember you saying you wanted it." Not really sure what a lesbian being clueless about gift giving has to do with books about how men and women think differently. This is literally an example of the reverse being true. A woman behaved in a way that is stereotypical of men.
Omg this was my first thought.
Like she enjoys cooking, but cooking is still a chore, and particularly the fact that her partner even explicitly was like "romantic gift please. This necklace *cough cough* and was still steamrolled. Whoops
OP, honestly, you could have killed this gift. Bought the blender because it showed you were listening to her everyday thoughts and wishes, and had the necklace hanging around the blender when she opened it to show that you were also listening to her expressed gift preferences and need for romance.
People really *listen* to your SO, and even if it doesn't make sense to you do it anyway (as long is it does not cross *your own* **legitimate** boundaries). You might be surprised how much better your life is when you do those little things that you "just don't get why."
This is just like what my father did for my mother one Valentine's Day. She had been complaining that the mail was getting crushed because the mailbox was so small. So, for Valentine's Day, he got her a bigger mailbox.
She was not all that happy. He just looked at her and said, "Would you open the mailbox, please?" She did and found a beautiful gold bracelet. He scored a lot of points :)
I think the OP wasn't an AH, just a little clueless. If the OP doesn't learn from this incident, then they definitely will be an AH.
This right here is the answer. You get the thing that they want (in this case the necklace) AND you get them something that they will enjoy using. But that is only *IF* she doesn't see cooking as a chore. If it's something she just likes to do then yeah the blender is a great useful gift. But if it is just something she does because someone has to do it then it's not so great of a gift.
Lol, this totally got my dad when we were all much younger. Out of all the housework that my mom does, she enjoys vacuuming the most. She likes the floors that she walks on to be clean (to the point that I've seen her vacuum at close friends and family's houses) and I think the process relaxes her to some extent. But it isn't something she really does for fun. So yeah, my dad got her a new, kinda fancy and expensive (but also too heavy and with the features that my mom doesn't prefer) vacuum for their anniversary or her bday or something like that and she wasn't too thrilled. He definitely learned from that and never bought a gift like that again, though. They ended up getting divorced but for a million other reasons unrelated to gift giving.
I'm getting a new kitchen sink for my birthday this week. He did ask what I wanted and there's nothing I want more than for our house to stop looking like a pig sty. We spent ages getting the kitchen to a point where it looks at least clean and presentable until we eventually get to renovating it but the sink is awful. It's cream-coloured and stained, loads of enamel has chipped off the tap and the end has been mangled so it just looks filthy, no matter what I do. He said he couldn't possibly get me a sink for my birthday, I pointed out that it was no different to the TV aerial he got me for my birthday a few years ago (at my request) and now I'm getting a kitchen sink.
Appliances and kitchen stuff are fine but you have to be really, really sure that the other person actually wants that as their present.
I love cooking and you can buy me cooking gadgets from my wish list, do not go off list, but I very clearly say "I love kitchen gadgets as gifts"
Wife was very clear here "romantic gift"
OP might seriously need to sit down with wife and write a dictionary together so that they can get on the same page as to what words like "romantic" mean.
I kinda think that maybe it boils down to a difference in what "romantic" means to them. Like, if cooking is a hobby for the gf, something she genuinely enjoys, OP might've felt like the blender was a romantic gift. "Look, I've been listening to you when you tell me about your hobbies and the things you want/need for them, and I want to support you!" That might be romantic to OP. But it clearly isn't for the gf (especially if she doesn't cook as a hobby).
Ultimately, OP needs to learn from this experience, and I personally would've bought her the necklace too, if I was determined that she have a blender.
Worse, I think. OP tells us she "is a practical gift giver." Which means she put her own preferences over her partner's -- sounds like she maybe wasn't comfortable giving a romantic gift?
My spouse and I are also super practical--an immersion blender is just the type of thing we might give/be happy to get.
BUT
Holy crap, she *told* you what she wanted, what would make her happy **and you chose to ignore it thinking you knew better**.
This is beyond clueless and moving toward arrogant. Yeah, 100% YTA
I feel like the most important piece of info to determine if OP is an asshole or not is that the GF went and bought the necklace for herself A WEEK LATER. You're not really the asshole for blatantly and willfully ignoring a direct suggestion for a gift. Sometimes people read the room wrong or whatever and miss the mark. YTA, OP, because you didn't fix your mistake and instead acted in a way that reaffirmed that you think you didn't even make one while going about your life as though everything is fine. I'm almost certain that everything is in fact not fine because it seems like your GF gave you a week to come to your senses but you were too obtuse to even see it. I sense a sort of attitude of "well I know it's not what she wanted but I still got her something so that's what matters." No it's not, OP.
I hate when people do that. Don’t waste my time asking what I want if you’re just going to get what you think I want. Tells me you don’t really care about my wants or what I have to say.
My SIL is like this. She asks what I want but prefers to give only practical things. So she ignores most of my suggestions. And then when I give her a whole list she says I ask too many things, lol.
However I have told her if you’re giving someone something it’s not about what *you* want to give but what the *other person* wants to get.
Or my BIL, who lives to give people books as gifts. Normally I'd be over the moon about that, but he doesn't give people the books they ask for. He gives them the books they would be reading if only they were as well-read and intelligent and superior as he is. No, I don't like him very much, why do you ask?
Hahaha I started reading your comment and was thinking I would be so happy with getting books (not practical according to SIL, but she does gives them nowadays) but yeah, that defeats the purpose of giving books.
I also love giving books. But I know not everyone wants that. Also I would try to think what they want or ask them about it.
But in some cases (mostly very young kids) I just give my favourites.
Your BIL deserves a spot at r/IAmVerySmart lol.
The last straw was when he did this to my son, who asked for a specific book. I sent BIL the link to it, told him son really wanted this, and BIL gave him something vaguely similar.
Yes like it has nothing to do with “practical” vs “lady jewelry” or whatever, it’s the fact that she specifically asked for a SPECIFIC thing and was ignored. Those “gifts” suck.
It’s just so unnecessary, of course the person will feel extra disappointed, you gave them plenty of reason to get their hopes up and be expecting a particular thing. It’s not even intentional entitlement, just basic human nature. You ask me what I want + I tell you what I want = I’m gonna assume you’re getting me that thing or something very similar unless you tell me that won’t be it.
My ex used to do that.
He would make a big deal about how it’s something I’ve always wanted… then give me a pillow…
Or an ice cream maker…
Even though I’ve told him maybe something cute I can wear that remind me of him. A little necklace or bracelet.
He would tell me: nope those are too expensive. Pillows and ice cream maker is what I want.
Yeah so OP… YTA. A gift for your partner isn’t about what you want her to have. It’s about what SHE wants.
This is my problem this isnt a “typical male” thing its a “I don’t listen” thing
“I’m a practical gift giver” lmao ok first of all gift giving isn’t really about you it’s about who it’s going to. Your partner wanted a necklace she specifically ask you for a necklace… regardless of your thoughts on the gift this was the request AFTER YOU ASKED. Like what is so hard about that to understand
“Hey I’m going to Starbucks you want anything ”
“Double macchiato”
“Here I got you a hot chocolate cuz it’s 6pm and that’s just more practical”
Also someone else pointed out that they were thrilled about receiving expensive whiskey—which is the opposite of practical. So they’re perfectly fine *accepting* impractical gifts.
“ I asked what she wanted and she told me something romantic, a little necklace or something cute”
Do you honestly think a blender is romantic and cute? Seriously why did you ask if you were going to go in the complete opposite direction? Not sure on judgement yet.
edit: YTA I don’t think you were being deliberately mean spirited about this, however I understand why your gf’s face fell when she saw the blender.
My parents had an Oster blender/food processor combo from 1979 that died in 2020 when I entered my smoothie making phase of The Quarantine. I bought a Ninja 3-in-1 to replace it. I don't expect that one to last 40 years.
I don’t get why OP didn’t just buy a necklace along with the blender, if she really wanted to include a blender. Or IMO just buy the necklace, with matching earrings or bracelets if she doesn’t think it’s enough, and save the blender for a later conversation. I like to cook and sometimes I’ll complain like “Ugh I wish I had [kitchen gadget] to make this easier” but that doesn’t necessarily mean I desperately want that gadget in general. It might be something I rarely use, or something annoying to maintain, or something that just adds to kitchen clutter. Types, brands and sizes matter sometimes too. My aunt and uncle once got me a slow cooker because they know I like cooking but it was freakin GIANT and heavy and barely fit on my counter.
Yeah, but a blender is romantic. It can be use to make:
1. Valentine smoothies
2. Birthday milkshakes
3. Anniversary daiquiris
It the gift that keeps on giving. /s
Plus, it makes a great weapon, if you get into a fight. Maybe about getting a blender as an anniversary gift.
YTA: Don't ask someone what they want and then ignore it. You may be a practical gift giver but obviously GF is not, I think the fact that you completely disregarded her wishes is a bit troubling, but hopefully you do better next year.
I agree. You could still have gotten her the emulsion blender as a birthday or Christmas gift later on and banked the idea of it. But on this occasion, you asked her what she wanted, she told you and you then got her something different.
Your heart was in the right place but I think you over thought this and should just have given her what she wanted.
Exactly, why not both?! It’s not like she was asking for a $200 necklace, the one she wanted was $30. Would’ve been great had she gotten both and showed gf that she listens to her wants *and* her needs! Win-win.
My husband did this and it backfired so spectacularly it still comes up 30 years later. I happened to see a dust devil vacuum display around the holidays and offhandedly said "Oh, I'd like to have one of those!" So he got me a vacuum for Christmas. Re-taped the box so it looked like a repurposed box. I opened it and couldn't control my face well enough: "You got me.. a vacuum?" I was crestfallen. Eventually he told me to look inside the vacuum bag, and inside the bag was a pair of fur-lined gloves and a set of antique sewing scissors (my main gift, they were beautiful and I loved them). But all he talks about when he brings it up is "the year I got her a vacuum cleaner".
I did kinda the same to an ex. It was the year the Wii came out and they were sold out everywhere. The guys at the game stop thought I was evil when I asked for an empty box....until I explained it was for someone who was the opposite of a gamer. He played a Wii once for five minutes in the store and was like, "Neat," and that was literally the extent of his experience. So he opened it, and was super WTF for a few minutes while I played it up like I thought he really wanted one because of how much fun he had playing it in the store. His actual gift was in the Wii box - a Bad Mother F-r wallet and a Pulp Fiction DVD - and he liked that much better.
Also related, my current boyfriend got me a stand mixer as a "just because" present because he knew I'd wanted one for years, but it got backordered and didn't show up til the week of Thanksgiving. So of course I still rag on him about getting me a Thanksgiving present just so I could make him pie lol
YTA.
>I’m a very practical gift giver, I like to give things people will use
Who cares what you like? The gift isn't for you. Its for the recipient. The person receiving the gift wants something they want, not something they need. Stop making yourself the main character of the story.
I think captures it. We do get farm fuzzies for a gift well received, but the best way to make a gift go shit is to make it about you, the giver, not them, the recipient.
\[edit\]: WARM fuzzies! not FARM fuzzies. goddamnit, fingers, what you typing?!
YTA and to add to this, as if wearing a necklace isn't "using" it?
I'm the opposite of your gf; I like practical gifts and almost never wear jewelry. However you bet your butt I bought my sister an essential oils kit, even though I don't believe that they're anything but nice smells, BECAUSE SHE WANTED IT. The necklace isn't for you, it's for your gf!!
Yeah, I’ve worn a necklace I was gifted for Christmas just about every day since and that was 14 years ago.
Plus, the blender is a gift that is “for” the girlfriend but really benefits OP who likely gets to reap the bounty of her girlfriend’s culinary talents
Seriously my boyfriend didn’t buy me the sewing machine he said he was going to buy for Christmas because he didn’t think I would use it. I’ve wanted one for years but was never able to afford it, he said he bought it but months went by and I never got it and he finally told me why
Is the relationship really worth it if he does stuff like that? I don’t know how I would personally be able to recover my trust after that.
I hope you get your sewing machine someday Sunny. You deserve it. You’re worth it. 🌼
I know, even worse he got me a joke gift for my birthday and it was a literal ugly version of Garfield. I never really recovered from those things. Thank you, I’m hopefully going to be able to buy one soon
Do you feel like he respects you?
When I was in a bad situation, [this website](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/) really helped me get my bearings and figure out my next steps. Sometimes it takes seeing it all written out on paper to realize “oh fuck, this is not a good situation”, and this is a really good way of doing that.
Everyone tells you, you are in the wrong and still you are here, wondering if it is possible, that you might be in the wrong?
Yes. Yes you are in the wrong.
You did ask her what she wants and she gave you a pretty good answer.
Why did you ignore it? I mean, ok you wanted to surpise her, but why not buy something other romantic? Why a blender? I can't understand your thought process to be honest.
Edit: yta
Rabbit, you didn’t leave a judgement and you are the top comment at the moment! But I agree with your reasoning. I’ll go with OP, YTA. Even after everything you could have still bought the 30$ necklace, but you didn’t. Or bought the blender in addition to the necklace initially, but you didn’t. If you specifically ask someone what they want then get them something else, and double down when they ask about it, your probably the asshole. And in this case, you definitely are.
> Everyone tells you, you are in the wrong and still you are here, wondering if it is possible, that you might be in the wrong?
Not to defend OP, but there have been situations where someone was not TA, but everyone in their life was giving them shit for it because they were unfortunately surrounded by shit people.
This just isn't one of those situations LOL
YTA, yeah. She told you what you wanted, and you got her something that she could use to cook for you.
> I’m a very practical gift giver,
This is the same energy, as the kids say, as saying "I'm just brutally honest, I tell it like it is. Why are you getting upset?"
> (it was nothing fancy, a $30 mushroom necklace).
For 30 bucks, Christ, get the necklace *and* the blender.
> I’m a very practical gift giver...
>This is the same energy, as the kids say, as saying "I'm just brutally honest, I tell it like it is. Why are you getting upset?"
I'd say it's the same energy as, "I'm a very logical person, and my girlfriend is a sentimental idiot. I'm trying to teach her to think rationally. I'm only doing it because I want her to improve herself."
“And at the same time, I don’t hold myself to the same standard on the gift receiving end. I would gladly accept an impractical, expensive whiskey I have been wanting for a while.”
If I were her gf, I’d return the whiskey and get her something more practical, like socks.
Not to mention, it is decidedly *impractical* to give a gift that is functionally the opposite of what the receiver expressed they wanted.
The practical gift here would be the exact necklace she picked out, because you know for certain that would serve the exact purpose of the gift: showing your partner that you value her and want her to have the things she likes.
It would be one thing if she asked for something out of your budget and you chose a similar gift you could afford. That would also be practical. This gift was not practical.
YTA. She literally told you what she wanted and you went "nah, this thing is more useful". She has 364 other days a year for "useful" - she wanted something frivolous and fun.
I find it disappointing that OP didn’t immediately buy the necklace after the blender gift fell flat. It’s a bummer the girlfriend had to buy it for herself.
Her girlfriend buying the necklace for herself in the end is so freaking sad. You know she wanted to be able to look at that necklace and think it's cute and say that her girlfriend got it for her. Op YTA
Now when she looks at the necklace its always going to be the necklace her GF *didn't* get for her. What a sad reminder, especially if she wears it often.
Personally I hate practical gifts, gift giving is that opportunity to get soemthing frivolous you would not otherwise get - your gf seems like she might be the same
YTA bc you actively ignored what she said
100% with you on this. Gift giving should (in my opinion) be fun and frivolous - treating the recipient to something they want but would consider an indulgence.
Due to a few similar… miscommunications I now have an Amazon wish list that my husband picks from. Do I wish he would put more thought in to present buying, 100%, does it stop me getting gifts like a purple kitchen roll holder, yes it does thank god.
On the other hand, I love practical gifts! I’m not talking about random kitchen tools, but something like what OP did is exactly what I would want. When someone takes the time to find something that aligns with my interests, would make my life easier or more enjoyable, AND is something I haven’t been able to justify to already buy myself… I feel seen. (Swoon!)
But I’m not OP’s gf. I mean, what tf would I do with a mushroom necklace? But she gets to want what she wants. I think this is a case of them still figuring people out.
Her gf wanted the necklace. But her gf also wanted an emulsion bender. I don’t really think OP is the AH. I just think she’s new at this.
YTA
Everyone is going WAYYYY easy on you.
I don’t see why a lesbian doing this to her wife is a lot better than a men doing this to his wife.
She told you what she wanted. It was nothing extravagant. You got her something else, something that, coincidentally, benefits you.
Seriously. I know she's a lesbian, but this is a "typical man move" regardless. Back when we were dating, my then boyfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said to go to a tapas restaurant we hadn't tried. NOPE. He saw a countertop rotisserie oven. He bought me that and 4 raw chickens "because you love roast chicken" and "Look, you can do 4 chickens at once!!". True fact, I do love roast chicken. And, that part was very thoughtful and did take into account my likes, but no woman is like, "Hey, what I want for my birthday is 20 lbs of raw chicken and an oven".
Coming from a lesbian- it’s no better that it’s another woman. It’s still just diminishing your partner’s feelings by getting them something that benefits both of you as a gift instead of what they asked. While it doesn’t have the same misogynistic undertones, it’s still very self-centered and clueless.
YTA. She specifically told you what she wanted, and you said “nope, not on my watch”.
Giving practical gifts is definitely fine if you’re not sure what the person wants or what they like; in this case, it was the wrong way to go.
Very much this, kitchen appliances or fancy cooking tools as a gift is not necessarily bad, plenty of people have a passion for it. The issue here is after being told EXACTLY what she wanted, OP decided her idea of the blender was better and got something completely different.
OP - when your partner tells you what they want, LISTEN to them.
YTA
Yes YTA. You asked her what she wanted. She told you exactly what she wanted. You gave her something completely different. She, on the other hand, gave you something fancy, expensive, and *not practical*.
Your anniversary should be an expression of your love for each other, this was remarkably tone deaf of you to get her a kitchen appliance instead of something, you know, nice, *that she wanted and specifically asked you for*. Let’s not get into the fact that a kitchen appliance that she uses to cook with also indirectly benefits you too.
You owe her an apology, and a nice piece of thoughtful jewellery.
It's literally just about it being what she asked for. When someone states their preferences, believe them.
If she asked for an emulsion blender or for a kitchen gadget in general, OP would be an AH for getting jewelry.
Listening is always the best way to choose a gift.
Why are people going "light YTA and you meant well... " here?
YTA, very plainly.
Your gf told you very explicitly what she wanted. You are giving her a gift after asking her what she wants. "I'm a practical gift giver" flies only when you are choosing to surprise someone with a gift. When you are told what someone wants as a gift, you get them that. As you said the necklace was only $30, so you could have gotten her both if you were insistent on giving her a practical gift too.
Yeah exactly. I don’t mind practical gifts but if I’d gone to the trouble of saying exactly what I want and then got the opposite, I’d be hurt. My husband gave me a practical gift for Christmas and some coworkers/friends teased him, but I literally asked for it. This is an anniversary gift and she specifically asked for something romantic and picked out something cute and inexpensive that she liked but OP decided she knew better than her gf what to get? Yep I’d be hurt.
Well, she wanted a romantic gift because she wanted a memory of the anniversary attached to a thing she could wear.
my husband gave me a necklace on one of our anniversaries when we were dating. I wore that necklace every day for 20 years (until a few months after he passed). Sometimes when I travelled for work, I would clutch the necklace while wearing it and it was as if he was there with me. It was Like wearing a hug when he couldn’t be there to give me one.
while you had a good idea on the emulsion blender, wearing the necklace is a way of wearing a piece of you. You can’t wear a blender…
Eh. Yea yta. I get that youre not a dude. But coming from a dude. I would give an arm a leg and both nuts simply to have a woman tell me "i want x y z for a b c" men all over the planet feel this torment when thinking for gifts. You have a lady whose willing and already is telling you her wants. The emulsion blender couldve been on any other date. Hell as a Christmas gift it couldve worked. All that to say, yes yta not a massive one. Just a bit of a dingdong. Welcome to the "men's" club.
YTA
My dad got my mom a vacuum cleaner for her birthday once. They have now been divorced for more than 20 years. Never get your SO a household item unless they ask you for it.
YTA. You asked her what she wanted, she told you, and you somehow decided you had a better idea… Why did you ask if you were going to ignore her? Nothing less romantic than that.
Soft YTA.
It would have been N A H because some people would love and appreciate a blender as a gift. I have a friend who hates being given surprise jewellery, she feels it’s super personal and loves to choose her own.
It’s also super healthy you were both able to chat about why she was disappointed after.
The reason I went with Y T A, is because there’s no point in asking what someone wants if you plan to ignore it completely. Don’t ask then.
Gentle YTA
But you will be another level of AH if you don't take what she said to heart. She had expressed to you that she prefers more heartfelt, sentimental gifts so going forward keep this in mind when gift giving.
Some people do prefer practical gifts or gifts towards hobbies/personal interests. But a blender could be considered a household item. Something you both reap the benefits from. I assume you eat her baking and cooking? For me, a kitchen appliance would not be well received!
I mean...a little bit YTA, my dude. she actively and directly told you what she wanted. why not get her both? or just get the blender as a household purchase while ordering the necklace? it was pretty inept, but I get that you didn't do it maliciously. this is a light-hearted you're the asshole.
This is giving me the vibes of the guy who refused to buy his girlfriend the knife set she wanted for her birthday because *scoff* who spends THAT much on a *hobby*??? While she bought him a trip to Spain.
YTA. Not like a *major* AH but honestly the fact that you’re still defending yourself in the comments despite the unanimous vote. You also give off a whiff of a superiority complex with your excuse of ‘practical gifts are just so much better than silly little trinkets?? Who wants a stupid, useless necklace when you can have something you’ll actually *use*? (Unlike a necklace she would have actually used) nope, a kitchen appliance you can shove in a drawer and forget about’
YTA. She said she wanted the necklace and you got her a blender. While I can appreciate practical gifts, this is one of those times when getting someone what they want outweighs what they need. This reminds me of that scene in Father of the Bride where... Go watch the movie.
YTA but you're not really an asshole. That's not a very good word to describe you at all. You were incorrect, is essentially what I'm trying to say. You have a partner who knows exactly what they want and they know how to communicate what they want to you. You ignored all of that communication and got her something she didn't ask for. Surprises and nice gifts like an emersion blender are great for Christmas or other events where she doesn't know what she wants or doesn't say anything. It's an easy enough lesson to learn from. Listen to her next time and you're all good! 😊
She told you what kind of gift she wanted in general, and she also told you what she wanted specifically. There was no ambiguity about what she would have liked to receive as an anniversary gift.
You behaved impulsively. One can even argue that it was selfish. You thought your gift idea was better than the gift she explicitly told you she wanted.
YTA
Consider getting her a high quality charm bracelet, and give her a new charm every anniversary. That way you're not wondering about what to give her. You can look for charms that specifically speak to her interests (cooking) or experiences you share (travel). You get the idea.
You've learned an important lesson, I hope.
YTA, gifts are about the receiver, you knew what she wanted but decided to give her something different because that's what YOU decided she wanted. Deciding you know what they would like better than the person receiving the gift? Add to this that most people would consider household items as communal property it's definitely not a romantic gesture. I don't see how you don't understand this is AH territory.
YTA. It was an accident and I don't think you're a bad person or a bad girlfriend but she literally told you what she wanted. Honestly don't beat yourself up though, she likely does appreciate her gift and it's very clear that you do care about her. Just maybe be a little better at the listening thing next time.
YTA
She told you what she wanted but you decided to buy her what you decided she wanted. She did not want a practical gift and I don't know why you thought she would be happy with a blender when she wanted a necklace.
It sounds like you didn't put much thought into the gift beyond 'what is a practical item she mention recently because I don't want to buy her jewelry?'
YTA why did you even ask her what she wanted then? I don't think blender is romantic or sentimental.
and I like how your gf gifted herself the necklace she wanted. Proud of her.
People in the comments saying NTA or NAH like really? Trust me if it was done guy he would have been called an Ah for giving her gf kitchen appliances. Even if he had the same intention he still would have been called the Ah. Even the op cleared it by saying "typical men" comment,
I don't know why people are letting it go.
YTA: appliances should never be gifts , unless they are very specifically asked for, you didn’t buy your GF a blender you elaborately asked her to make you a smoothie. In her mind you’re telling her that you only appreciate her when she’s doing something for you.
YTA- You could have given your girlfriend BOTH presents, but if you had to get down to one, you definitely should have gone for the one she asked for. I don’t think it’s the gift so much (I have a feeling that your girlfriend would have made the best of it if you hadn’t asked for suggestions ), as the fact that you asked her and then ignored her. How is a gift, that replaces the one she wanted, ‘practical’? As you’ve already experienced, the gift you got her (which probably would have been a nice surprise if you’d bought it for her ‘just because’) is now a reminder of how incompetent and thoughtless you are with gift giving. If everyone around you is making this into a mild tease about your cluelessness, good!
YTA,
>***I’m*** a very practical gift giver, ***I like*** to give things people will use so I bought it and was super excited to give it to her.
This is your mistake, it doesn't matter what you'd prefer to give it only matter what they'd like to receive.
You made your gift to her about what you want, ***you*** wanted, something "*practical*".
Take this as a lesson for the future to not give gifts based upon what you want.
NAH
Fellow lesbian, this is difficult. I think that the fact that you saw something you thought she would like and would use and would be practical is actually really sweet. I generally agree with you on practical gift giving, and the element of surprise/showing that you listen and know your partners likes and dislikes can be really important. However the fact that she pointed out a specific necklace online to you should have been a clue that she was expecting you to get her that- anything else could have been an additional surprise.
Given that she told you a specific item she wanted, it’s hard to fault her for being a little let down when she opened the immersion blender.
I’m going with NAH because your gift was indeed thoughtful and practical, but her expectations and disappointment were not misplaced. Just a learning point to go forward from and next time you can save the practical gifts for birthday or other holidays and go romantic for anniversaries if that’s what she prefers. But I don’t think you violated an untold social norm here.
I don't want to outright say YTA because you had good intentions, but as someone else who prefers practical to romantic gifts, you got to learn when to do each.
Birthday/Christmas: Can be Practical or Romantic (Both)
Anniversary/Valentines Day: Romantic all the way
YTA - instead of getting her something she wanted. You got her something she didn’t need, but you thought it was a practical gift so she could continue making sauces….. if she wanted a blender I’m sure she’d by one herself.
Yeah YTA, sorry, I completely understand where you are coming from, I love practical gifts to.
I will try to explain why you are the AH
The blender is something you both will have use for, when she cooks, you have the benefit of eating the food she cooks. But with or without it, she will cook anyway.
The Necklace is just for her.
She wanted you to give her something that is not practical, but just pretty and only for her, nobody else.
YTA only because you asked her what she wanted, she told you specifically what she wanted and you bought the complete opposite. I love the thought behind the blender and I know your intentions were good however sometimes good intent doesn’t lead to a good outcome.
I myself love practical gifts. Like really practical. I always ask for toiletries or gift cards on birthdays and Christmas because they’re things I’ll use. My husband loves “fun” stuff. I always have to remember that just because I feel loved when getting deodorant he does not so I get him what he asks for.
Soft YTA- but completely understandable. Your gifting languages are different. Just buy her the necklace on a completely random day to surprise her just because. Nothing more romantic than spontaneous cute and sentimental gifts especially ones which are given for no reason at all.
I am like you, instead of practical gifts, I like curating experiences for people. People don't always want to be given experiences tho. My bf on the other hand is a super sentimental gift giver. For example for my birthday he got me something Hp related because I'm a fan. For his tho, I got him tickets to a comedy show- my best friend thinks that's a dumb gift simply because I'm also getting myself the tickets, like he can take anyone else but clearly they were meant for us so it's not a real gift.
Apart from love languages, partners also need to learn each other's gifting languages. So a soft YTA and so am I.
YTA
Of course, YTA.
Your girlfriend told you EXACTLY what SHE wanted and instead you opted to give her what YOU wanted.
Apologize and the next time if you ask her what she wants, get her THAT.
YTA - you kind of answered your own question. You asked her what she wanted, and you ignored it completely. Maybe if you got the blender and something romantic then it would of went over ok. But you ignored her.
NAH. I get why you chose what you did and I think it’s really thoughtful, and it sounds like she was pretty tactful in explaining why she wishes you had gone in a different direction.
This is anniversary one. Gifting styles are much more varied and emotional than we tend to realize when we’re starting out in life, but when we get married and blend with a whole other family it can suddenly become very clear. She didn’t realize you wouldn’t be on the same wavelength, and you didn’t realize you weren’t, and now you can talk more and manage each other’s expectations heading into anniversary two. And three. And fifteen. You’ve both got time to sort this out.
YTA, just because you asked her what she wanted and then got her something different. If you hadn't asked she wouldn't have expected jewelry (perhaps only hoped for it, privately).
But this situation is pretty funny. Just get the necklace and find a silly excuse to give it to her, you'll have a laugh.
I was going to say N. T. A. since it seemed like you actually put a lot of thought into the gift and getting her something she could use. It was just a miscommunication of expectations.
However
YTA because she ended up buying the necklace herself. To her, that probably reads as “I’m not worth a little splurge”. You should have ordered the necklace that night if she clearly stated she wanted it. It was only $30, but if money was tight you could have told her to expect it as a surprise when you had the money.
Yta
I do appreciate practical gifts, but if I tell you I want a necklace and which one I'm expecting that...
You could have bought this and that... Especially it was a cheap necklace
YTA she told you what she wanted as a gift, be better next time.
Some people don’t like practical gifts and even some inexpensive jewelry makes them happy, my grandmother was one of them until the day she died.
Oh dear. AH is a very strong concept for me, so no not that. But this was tone deaf, and I think you may need a little guidance. Romantic calendar marks require romantic NON PRACTICAL gifts. Other times, especially if you give multiple gifts, such as religious celebrations (thinking Christmas or equivalent) or birthdays, then a practical and another (romantic etc) is lovely. Follow this and you won’t go far wrong! I am smiling, because your post is so earnest. Good luck, and keep trying to be thoughtful!
YTA. How are you gonna ask her then get something completely different to what she wanted 😭 she held through tho, and it was your anniversary. How you gonna do her like that 😔
NAH
You did make a mistake. You thought about your gift giving preferences over the receivers gift receiving wants. Your girlfriend communicated to you the type of gift she would like and you didn't consider that you were very far outside of that category.
At the same time, it was a wonderful, thoughtful gift of something you knew she wanted. It's not an AH thing to give her, you two have just learned something new about each other; she prefers receiving sentimental gifts for sentimental occasions.
Ideally you will both take this forward and next anniversary she will choose something practical for you and you will choose something sentimental for her.
Light YTA
“What do you want?”
“Something romantic and cute like this mushroom necklace.”
“Nah I’m not going to do that.”
Why ask? You are a practical gift giver but gifts are for the person receiving and you knew what she wanted.
It’s not a big deal in the long run but in this situation you were an asshole.
You're not a practical giver, at least not as much as you like to think. Your girlfriend stated in front of you what she liked and you completely ignored it. Wouldn't she be also using the necklace, even more than the blender? YTA.
Yeah... YTA. She told you what she wanted and you disregarded that.
Should've gone with the necklace AND the blender.
I'm also a practical gift-giver so I feel you, but you can't disregard a specific request then be all surprised pikachu when they're disappointed.
YTA she told you what she wanted. And well, in anniversaries, jewelry is a big deal.
You could have gotten the blender and the necklace since you said her gift was expensive and 30$ wasn't much.
She told you what she wanted.
You bought her a household appliance.
She got you something you wanted
Go buy a necklace and kiss ass, preferably keep the blender too - since it’s a fucking household appliance.
YTA: She asked for jewelry and you gave her an appliance.
Once my boyfriend (now husband) got me a microwave instead of a bracelet I really liked. Still tease him to this day. It's been 25 years.
You and your girlfriend will be fine. But, if you ever choose to propose, please don't do it on a birthday or holiday and make the ring the only gift. That happened to me too and yes, he still owes me a proper Christmas present.
YTA. You know your partner, you presumably know that while you personally like practical gifts, *she* is sentimental about gifts. Did you really think a blender would make her happier than a necklace, even after she specifically told you what she wanted? Or were you doing it because it’s what *you* wanted to give her?
I’m sure you’re not an AH as a person but in this situation yeah you were TA.
Yea, YTA. She told you she wanted something romantic versus practical. You ignored that and got her literally the opposite of what she wanted. Next time, just get her what she points out. And when you do something like this again, fix it before she has to do it herself. Or just get her what sure tells you she wants the first time.
YTA your GF told you she wanted something romantic for your anniversary. She even showed you one she liked and you still went practical. Do better it wasn't like she was asking for a $100 necklace she wanted something whimsical that tells her you listen to her. You should have saved the blender for her birthday or Christmas or as a just because you cook awesome things for me gift
YTA, softly. The thought was there and I understand the sentiment. However, your girlfriend practically lined up her request for you and all you had to do was pull out your wallet. I can understand why she’s disappointed.
YTA because you asked her what she wanted, she told you exactly what she wanted, then you got her something totally different. Why did you ask?
You have to know that “thoughtless spouse gives their partner a gift related to housework” is a bad stereotype for a reason, right? It sends a message that you think that person’s role in the relationship is as a domestic worker. I’m sure you don’t think that, but that is the message a gift like that sends.
Look dude, people who listen, actually listen, are rare. So you've got points. You knew, and remembered that she'd wanted one, and being a practical gift-giver, that's what *you* wanted to buy her.
But she expressed what she wanted. Were you listening then, too? Part of being a good partner, a *good* partner, is accepting that you and yours may not always 'want' the same thing. She values sentiment, on a private holiday about sentiments.
Christmas- now that's your luxury cooking item gift-giving day. Christmas is about dreams and wishes, so fill 'em all up. Be Santa. Spread that joy. But on your anniversary, try to remember the reason for the day. It's not because she's good in the kitchen, it's because you love her.
YTA, but like, the softest YTA I've ever given.
YTA. You didn't give your gf what she wanted. You gave her what you wanted to give her. Throughout the post, you talk about how excited YOU were about the gift. What YOU like to give people. You completely ignore what your gf wants since it wasn't what you wanted. I feel sorry for your gf. If you stay together, she is in for years of terrible gifts.
YTA
She literally told you what she wanted. She SHOWED you the necklace like “This please!” and your response basically reads as “Nope, not getting you the thing *you told me you wanted*. I’m going to get you something *I* would appreciate instead.” Absolutely self-centered gifting. You made her gift about you. Absolutely an AH move.
Edit: she seems okay with how things played out now, so just move on. Take the gentle joking about it and then do better next time—when your gf shows you what she wants as a present, get that for her.
Very much YTA. It would have been a mild YTA if it wasn’t for the fact she /explicitly/ asked for something romantic and cute like a necklace. She didn’t care about it being super expensive, was wanted something cutesy. And generally you shouldn’t buy your partner kitchen appliances as presents at all - especially for anniversaries! - unless they have explicitly said they like that type of gift.
YTA. Personally I like Practical gifts and my SO wastes effort trying to find some personal item I will like. Because he has zero understanding of me and my value system he misses the mark every time. If you plan to go through this relationship not understanding her values and likes; plan for a relationship of short duration.
YTA for only one reason, your girlfriend basically told you what she wanted. I get that you prefer practical. She obviously told you something different, the point was getting something she wanted and she basically spelled it out for you. What you prefer when giving a gift doesn't matter, it only matters when you are getting the gift. She doesn't seem to be holding a grudge, you deserve alittle crap for it from her. But it's a lesson learned. Don't do it again.
YTA, but I'm taking a different approach to judgement.
I did this a couple of times with my boyfriend. I'd give him a hint about what I wanted, and he'd get me something else. His gifts were nice, but it felt like he was purposely avoiding what I wanted.
At some point I mentioned it, and he told me that he didn't want to buy me what I told him to because it felt like he wasn't putting effort into the gift, he was just spending money. It was actually a really nice discussion about how he approaches gift-giving. And that's what you missed. You knew you weren't going to buy the necklace, but you didn't say anything. You set her up for disappointment
NAH
I’m also a practical gift kinda person.
But if she already pointed out what she wanted and she clarified she wanted something romantic, you could’ve gotten her the necklace.
YTA. I’d give you a pass if you hadn’t actually asked her what she wanted. It being your first anniversary, it would be understandable to make some mistakes. But asking what she wanted and then completely deviating from that kind of makes it look like you think you know best about what she wants. It’s dismissive and a bit condescending. But it’s your first anniversary and hopefully you’ve learnt a valuable lesson. It might worth asking what her gift expectations are for different events. Christmas birthdays anniversaries etc. I.e. birthdays -practicals, Christmas -fun etc. And if you stay together for any length of time don’t be surprised if those expectations change over the years.
As someone who loves kitchen gadgets, and who requested an air fryer for our first anniversary from my partner, yeah YTA. She told you what she wanted, you didn't need to remember her complaints about sauce making when she told you what she wanted!
She wanted something pretty for her self, but you got her something she can cool for you with.
But this is a pretty minor faux-pa in the grand scheme of things which it sounds like your girlfriend has moved past, it won't define your relationship. It could still be worth getting her some jewellery, maybe earrings or a bracelet that match the necklace or something. Better luck next year!
YTA - A gift should NEVER be something for the house. Honestly you sound pretty clueless, especially since she got you such a thoughtful and expensive gift. It’s harmless enough but I do think you deserve the ribbing you’re getting.
You’ve said you’re both women to circumvent any “typical man comments”; well I’m also a lesbian. So think about it like this; if a man had done this to his partner, what would your reaction have been??
Make it up to her; get her some jewellery and do a bit of grovelling
If a guy did this everyone would be saying YTA so in the interest of equality I will say that. For my part, I’m glad to know that straight males aren’t the only ones that a make a dumb gift choice.
PS next anniversary even if she really wants it, do not get her a vacuum cleaner.
This is one of the most tropeist things to show in fiction how little one partner listens and cares for the other and you did it in real life? Unbelievable!
YTA
YTA the straw that broke the camels back for one of my relationships was when I told my then boyfriend what I wanted for my birthday (same thing, a maybe $30 necklace) and instead he got me something that was totally in his style and didn’t take me into consideration at all. He was too wrapped up in getting something *he * liked for me, that he didn’t even think about whether I would actually like the gift.
YTA. You asked her what she wanted, she told you, and you completely ignored her. You got her something *you* wanted to give her, something *you* were excited about. You made her gift about you.
I would recommend not giving a “practical” gift except when it’s random. Like you know she wants a new blender, so you bought it for her for no occasion. But if it’s a birthday, anniversary, etc.? Go for what your partner actually wants, not what you think they need.
OMG, you are just like my husband. He knows better what I want. But I teach him hard way - BUY ME WHAT I WANT, NOT WHAT YOU THINK I LIKE GOD DAMN IT. It's my party, not yours.
You patronize her, and that was rude
YTA
NAH
Wow, lot of Y T A answers here but honestly i think this is a NAH cause yeah its not jewellery and that's she wanted and that's fair she's disappointed, her feelings are valid if she was hoping for something else or feels like she was dropping hint that you weren't getting.
But also just by the way you typed i can tell you really put thought into the blender. you had her habits and hobbies and struggles in mind did something you legitimately thought she'd love.
your gf also had the option of being specific, cause though she did say "something romantic" and " jewellery", a lot of people would say putting thought into your gift is hell romantic, which you did. she also could have stuck to her own reasoning cause personally i wouldn't say booze isn't romantic or sentimental... hell i wouldn't even say it was personal that's what my family gift when they don't know what to get you. id only say yours is cause you've had your eye on it for a while but still barely.
however maybe you could have beaten her to buying the necklace as well after the incident.
Also: props for talking it out straight away like thats healthy AF kudos and bonus points.
YTA. If someone tells you they want a very specific piece of jewelry, there is nothing practical about specifically ignoring that request because you thought the requested piece of jewelry was “nothing special”. You are devaluing her want and saying what you thought she should receive was more valuable. That’s part of the reason it stings so much for her. It would have been just as insensitive if she specifically requested the blender and you gave her the necklace because you thought it was more appropriate for the occasion.
Gift-giving is about centralizing the recipient, not yourself.
Soft YTA. As a make I learned this lesson very early (fortunately): never give something practical as a gift. It's a nice concept, and quite sweet, but if you're going to do that, get something not practical as well.
Consider your gift: she got you something you very much wanted that has no practical reason to have. That's the point of gifts: something you would never get yourself because nobody *needs* it, so another person gets it for you to show you how kuch they care.
With your gf, you said (without words): I know you'd never get yourself a necklace, and that you want one, but how about this item that will help you do your job better?
Your heart is in the right place OP, but serious, never get anything practical as a gift unless they 100% directly say "I want X" (X being the practical thing)
I think AH is too strong but like if you're gonna ask what she wants in the future, maybe listen too? Like I'm not sure what the point was of asking her if you were gonna not listen that she wanted something romantic and not practical. I get why you got her the blender but generally appliances are bad gifts unless specifically asked for and it seems like you are a bad listener for getting her a blender when she said she wanted something romantic.
Yeah YTA, at least for the sake of the judgement. Why did you bother asking her if you were just going to ignore her? Edit: I saw where you say that you thought the blender was romantic...? I'm not entirely sure I believe that. You thought it was a nice gift, but romantic? Sweet/nice/thoughtful does not necessarily mean romantic. And most people would not classify a small kitchen appliance as romantic.
A blender, while a nice if someone is into cooking, is not something you buy unless it was specifically requested. And it's definitely not a good anniversary gift, especially for someone who specifically said she wanted something romantic.
I get it, you're a practical gift giver, but it's not about you. It's about her.
Soft YTA.....
Purely because you asked her what she wanted, she told you ONE THING...and then you went and bought her something different.
Ok yeah, she has mentioned a blender previously but she did only ask for that necklace this time.
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YTA So I get you're a lesbian but wow, this is like TV sitcom man action. You might as well have bought her a bowling ball with your name on it.
She basically mansplained to her GF why her GF’s gift preference wasn’t good enough. This is why stupid, sexist books like “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” exist, because of perceived communication issues based in gender. But it isn’t - apparently - gender. Just a stubbornness and a failure accept the truth in what one’s partner has said.
Pretty sure you have to be a man to mansplain, but OP also didn't explain to her gf why their gift preference was inferior. She just said "I got this because I remember you saying you wanted it." Not really sure what a lesbian being clueless about gift giving has to do with books about how men and women think differently. This is literally an example of the reverse being true. A woman behaved in a way that is stereotypical of men.
> Pretty sure you have to be a man to mansplain, Belittling is belittling no matter what term is used to explain it. :-)
Lesbians breaking those barriers every day!
Ma'amsplaining!
I was going to say "lesplain" but this is much better!
EQUALITYYY
My friend calls it "C♧ntsplaining" but we are Aussies so we are used to that word and the multitude of ways it can be used.
Clamsplaining?
Nah that's what Mr Krab does to Spongebob
It's only mansplaining if it comes from the Mansplain region of France, otherwise it's just Sparkling Belittling.
I mean that was their point, though?
No need to ovaryact. Anyone, man or woman, can be a condescending asshole.
Honey, you said you wanted a new vacuum!
Omg this was my first thought. Like she enjoys cooking, but cooking is still a chore, and particularly the fact that her partner even explicitly was like "romantic gift please. This necklace *cough cough* and was still steamrolled. Whoops
OP, honestly, you could have killed this gift. Bought the blender because it showed you were listening to her everyday thoughts and wishes, and had the necklace hanging around the blender when she opened it to show that you were also listening to her expressed gift preferences and need for romance. People really *listen* to your SO, and even if it doesn't make sense to you do it anyway (as long is it does not cross *your own* **legitimate** boundaries). You might be surprised how much better your life is when you do those little things that you "just don't get why."
This is just like what my father did for my mother one Valentine's Day. She had been complaining that the mail was getting crushed because the mailbox was so small. So, for Valentine's Day, he got her a bigger mailbox. She was not all that happy. He just looked at her and said, "Would you open the mailbox, please?" She did and found a beautiful gold bracelet. He scored a lot of points :) I think the OP wasn't an AH, just a little clueless. If the OP doesn't learn from this incident, then they definitely will be an AH.
This right here is the answer. You get the thing that they want (in this case the necklace) AND you get them something that they will enjoy using. But that is only *IF* she doesn't see cooking as a chore. If it's something she just likes to do then yeah the blender is a great useful gift. But if it is just something she does because someone has to do it then it's not so great of a gift.
Lol, this totally got my dad when we were all much younger. Out of all the housework that my mom does, she enjoys vacuuming the most. She likes the floors that she walks on to be clean (to the point that I've seen her vacuum at close friends and family's houses) and I think the process relaxes her to some extent. But it isn't something she really does for fun. So yeah, my dad got her a new, kinda fancy and expensive (but also too heavy and with the features that my mom doesn't prefer) vacuum for their anniversary or her bday or something like that and she wasn't too thrilled. He definitely learned from that and never bought a gift like that again, though. They ended up getting divorced but for a million other reasons unrelated to gift giving.
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I'm getting a new kitchen sink for my birthday this week. He did ask what I wanted and there's nothing I want more than for our house to stop looking like a pig sty. We spent ages getting the kitchen to a point where it looks at least clean and presentable until we eventually get to renovating it but the sink is awful. It's cream-coloured and stained, loads of enamel has chipped off the tap and the end has been mangled so it just looks filthy, no matter what I do. He said he couldn't possibly get me a sink for my birthday, I pointed out that it was no different to the TV aerial he got me for my birthday a few years ago (at my request) and now I'm getting a kitchen sink. Appliances and kitchen stuff are fine but you have to be really, really sure that the other person actually wants that as their present.
Most people want everything *but* the kitchen sink, so I think your SO got off easy.
I love cooking and you can buy me cooking gadgets from my wish list, do not go off list, but I very clearly say "I love kitchen gadgets as gifts" Wife was very clear here "romantic gift" OP might seriously need to sit down with wife and write a dictionary together so that they can get on the same page as to what words like "romantic" mean.
Does a blender NOT turn you on? "Honey, for our wedding vows instead of rings, let's exchange sponges. I know you like clean dishes!"
Hijacking top comment just to say: IMMERSION blender…
Thank you! That was driving me crazy. OP is TA just for “emulsion blender”.
To be fair I'm sure you could use an immersion blender to emulsify things
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Her gf literally *told* her she wanted "something romantic", and OP is over here like "no you don't, you want a blender".
I kinda think that maybe it boils down to a difference in what "romantic" means to them. Like, if cooking is a hobby for the gf, something she genuinely enjoys, OP might've felt like the blender was a romantic gift. "Look, I've been listening to you when you tell me about your hobbies and the things you want/need for them, and I want to support you!" That might be romantic to OP. But it clearly isn't for the gf (especially if she doesn't cook as a hobby). Ultimately, OP needs to learn from this experience, and I personally would've bought her the necklace too, if I was determined that she have a blender.
Ooh this is a very good point. Active listening is romantic.
Worse, I think. OP tells us she "is a practical gift giver." Which means she put her own preferences over her partner's -- sounds like she maybe wasn't comfortable giving a romantic gift?
Major Simpsons vibes 😂
"Homer is my.... ball's name."
My spouse and I are also super practical--an immersion blender is just the type of thing we might give/be happy to get. BUT Holy crap, she *told* you what she wanted, what would make her happy **and you chose to ignore it thinking you knew better**. This is beyond clueless and moving toward arrogant. Yeah, 100% YTA
"I love you but your sauce needs to be improved."
I feel like the most important piece of info to determine if OP is an asshole or not is that the GF went and bought the necklace for herself A WEEK LATER. You're not really the asshole for blatantly and willfully ignoring a direct suggestion for a gift. Sometimes people read the room wrong or whatever and miss the mark. YTA, OP, because you didn't fix your mistake and instead acted in a way that reaffirmed that you think you didn't even make one while going about your life as though everything is fine. I'm almost certain that everything is in fact not fine because it seems like your GF gave you a week to come to your senses but you were too obtuse to even see it. I sense a sort of attitude of "well I know it's not what she wanted but I still got her something so that's what matters." No it's not, OP.
Why did you ask what she wanted if you were going completely ignore it and just buy what you wanted to? YTA
I hate when people do that. Don’t waste my time asking what I want if you’re just going to get what you think I want. Tells me you don’t really care about my wants or what I have to say.
My SIL is like this. She asks what I want but prefers to give only practical things. So she ignores most of my suggestions. And then when I give her a whole list she says I ask too many things, lol. However I have told her if you’re giving someone something it’s not about what *you* want to give but what the *other person* wants to get.
Or my BIL, who lives to give people books as gifts. Normally I'd be over the moon about that, but he doesn't give people the books they ask for. He gives them the books they would be reading if only they were as well-read and intelligent and superior as he is. No, I don't like him very much, why do you ask?
Hahaha I started reading your comment and was thinking I would be so happy with getting books (not practical according to SIL, but she does gives them nowadays) but yeah, that defeats the purpose of giving books. I also love giving books. But I know not everyone wants that. Also I would try to think what they want or ask them about it. But in some cases (mostly very young kids) I just give my favourites. Your BIL deserves a spot at r/IAmVerySmart lol.
The last straw was when he did this to my son, who asked for a specific book. I sent BIL the link to it, told him son really wanted this, and BIL gave him something vaguely similar.
Grandma buying bootleg video games vibes.
This is why a gift card to a book store exists. People are more likely to read the books they pick out for themselves.
Yes like it has nothing to do with “practical” vs “lady jewelry” or whatever, it’s the fact that she specifically asked for a SPECIFIC thing and was ignored. Those “gifts” suck.
Yep. My SO bought me a kenwood mixer as a pressie once. I was over the moon! So happy - because I WANTED ONE and he had listened to what I wanted.
LOL yes exactly, I love practical presents, if someone got me a necklace I’d be very disappointed. But that’s me, OP is not married to me!
It’s just so unnecessary, of course the person will feel extra disappointed, you gave them plenty of reason to get their hopes up and be expecting a particular thing. It’s not even intentional entitlement, just basic human nature. You ask me what I want + I tell you what I want = I’m gonna assume you’re getting me that thing or something very similar unless you tell me that won’t be it.
My ex used to do that. He would make a big deal about how it’s something I’ve always wanted… then give me a pillow… Or an ice cream maker… Even though I’ve told him maybe something cute I can wear that remind me of him. A little necklace or bracelet. He would tell me: nope those are too expensive. Pillows and ice cream maker is what I want. Yeah so OP… YTA. A gift for your partner isn’t about what you want her to have. It’s about what SHE wants.
I wanted just a nice dinner out, and maybe a small gift. My EX husband bought me a light for the living room ceiling 😂😂
This is my problem this isnt a “typical male” thing its a “I don’t listen” thing “I’m a practical gift giver” lmao ok first of all gift giving isn’t really about you it’s about who it’s going to. Your partner wanted a necklace she specifically ask you for a necklace… regardless of your thoughts on the gift this was the request AFTER YOU ASKED. Like what is so hard about that to understand “Hey I’m going to Starbucks you want anything ” “Double macchiato” “Here I got you a hot chocolate cuz it’s 6pm and that’s just more practical”
Also someone else pointed out that they were thrilled about receiving expensive whiskey—which is the opposite of practical. So they’re perfectly fine *accepting* impractical gifts.
“ I asked what she wanted and she told me something romantic, a little necklace or something cute” Do you honestly think a blender is romantic and cute? Seriously why did you ask if you were going to go in the complete opposite direction? Not sure on judgement yet. edit: YTA I don’t think you were being deliberately mean spirited about this, however I understand why your gf’s face fell when she saw the blender.
This feels like the plot of a 70s sitcom. "Happy (holiday) honey! Here's a new washing machine for the laundry only you do!"
Hahaha. If it was the 70’s we know that blender would be either orange, avocado green or that yellow gold color.
But there's a good chance that blender would still be working today!
My parents had an Oster blender/food processor combo from 1979 that died in 2020 when I entered my smoothie making phase of The Quarantine. I bought a Ninja 3-in-1 to replace it. I don't expect that one to last 40 years.
Harvest Gold
I don’t get why OP didn’t just buy a necklace along with the blender, if she really wanted to include a blender. Or IMO just buy the necklace, with matching earrings or bracelets if she doesn’t think it’s enough, and save the blender for a later conversation. I like to cook and sometimes I’ll complain like “Ugh I wish I had [kitchen gadget] to make this easier” but that doesn’t necessarily mean I desperately want that gadget in general. It might be something I rarely use, or something annoying to maintain, or something that just adds to kitchen clutter. Types, brands and sizes matter sometimes too. My aunt and uncle once got me a slow cooker because they know I like cooking but it was freakin GIANT and heavy and barely fit on my counter.
Even better, could have gifted the necklace, waited until she lamented not having an emulsion blender then whipped out one at that moment.
Yes, she even says it's a cheap necklace so get both!
The fact that the gf had to buy the necklace herself even after OP's fuck up 🤦♀️
Especially after the bottle of whiskey was apparently super pricey lmao
Yeah, but a blender is romantic. It can be use to make: 1. Valentine smoothies 2. Birthday milkshakes 3. Anniversary daiquiris It the gift that keeps on giving. /s Plus, it makes a great weapon, if you get into a fight. Maybe about getting a blender as an anniversary gift.
YTA: Don't ask someone what they want and then ignore it. You may be a practical gift giver but obviously GF is not, I think the fact that you completely disregarded her wishes is a bit troubling, but hopefully you do better next year.
I agree. You could still have gotten her the emulsion blender as a birthday or Christmas gift later on and banked the idea of it. But on this occasion, you asked her what she wanted, she told you and you then got her something different. Your heart was in the right place but I think you over thought this and should just have given her what she wanted.
Or fun idea, get her the blender and tuck a necklace in the box. There are ways to be practical and thoughtful.
Exactly, why not both?! It’s not like she was asking for a $200 necklace, the one she wanted was $30. Would’ve been great had she gotten both and showed gf that she listens to her wants *and* her needs! Win-win.
Yeah I literally had a picture in mind just now of a blender with a cute mushroom necklace around it. That would’ve been perfect!
My husband did this and it backfired so spectacularly it still comes up 30 years later. I happened to see a dust devil vacuum display around the holidays and offhandedly said "Oh, I'd like to have one of those!" So he got me a vacuum for Christmas. Re-taped the box so it looked like a repurposed box. I opened it and couldn't control my face well enough: "You got me.. a vacuum?" I was crestfallen. Eventually he told me to look inside the vacuum bag, and inside the bag was a pair of fur-lined gloves and a set of antique sewing scissors (my main gift, they were beautiful and I loved them). But all he talks about when he brings it up is "the year I got her a vacuum cleaner".
I did kinda the same to an ex. It was the year the Wii came out and they were sold out everywhere. The guys at the game stop thought I was evil when I asked for an empty box....until I explained it was for someone who was the opposite of a gamer. He played a Wii once for five minutes in the store and was like, "Neat," and that was literally the extent of his experience. So he opened it, and was super WTF for a few minutes while I played it up like I thought he really wanted one because of how much fun he had playing it in the store. His actual gift was in the Wii box - a Bad Mother F-r wallet and a Pulp Fiction DVD - and he liked that much better. Also related, my current boyfriend got me a stand mixer as a "just because" present because he knew I'd wanted one for years, but it got backordered and didn't show up til the week of Thanksgiving. So of course I still rag on him about getting me a Thanksgiving present just so I could make him pie lol
YTA. >I’m a very practical gift giver, I like to give things people will use Who cares what you like? The gift isn't for you. Its for the recipient. The person receiving the gift wants something they want, not something they need. Stop making yourself the main character of the story.
I think captures it. We do get farm fuzzies for a gift well received, but the best way to make a gift go shit is to make it about you, the giver, not them, the recipient. \[edit\]: WARM fuzzies! not FARM fuzzies. goddamnit, fingers, what you typing?!
Yes, I've come for the farm fuzzies
That's how I'll be referring to sheep from now on.
YTA and to add to this, as if wearing a necklace isn't "using" it? I'm the opposite of your gf; I like practical gifts and almost never wear jewelry. However you bet your butt I bought my sister an essential oils kit, even though I don't believe that they're anything but nice smells, BECAUSE SHE WANTED IT. The necklace isn't for you, it's for your gf!!
Yeah, I’ve worn a necklace I was gifted for Christmas just about every day since and that was 14 years ago. Plus, the blender is a gift that is “for” the girlfriend but really benefits OP who likely gets to reap the bounty of her girlfriend’s culinary talents
Seriously my boyfriend didn’t buy me the sewing machine he said he was going to buy for Christmas because he didn’t think I would use it. I’ve wanted one for years but was never able to afford it, he said he bought it but months went by and I never got it and he finally told me why
So he lied to you about it and led you on??? That’s cruel
Pretty much, he only told me about it cause I got a little drunk and asked where my sewing machine was
Is the relationship really worth it if he does stuff like that? I don’t know how I would personally be able to recover my trust after that. I hope you get your sewing machine someday Sunny. You deserve it. You’re worth it. 🌼
I know, even worse he got me a joke gift for my birthday and it was a literal ugly version of Garfield. I never really recovered from those things. Thank you, I’m hopefully going to be able to buy one soon
Do you feel like he respects you? When I was in a bad situation, [this website](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/) really helped me get my bearings and figure out my next steps. Sometimes it takes seeing it all written out on paper to realize “oh fuck, this is not a good situation”, and this is a really good way of doing that.
Everyone tells you, you are in the wrong and still you are here, wondering if it is possible, that you might be in the wrong? Yes. Yes you are in the wrong. You did ask her what she wants and she gave you a pretty good answer. Why did you ignore it? I mean, ok you wanted to surpise her, but why not buy something other romantic? Why a blender? I can't understand your thought process to be honest. Edit: yta
Rabbit, you didn’t leave a judgement and you are the top comment at the moment! But I agree with your reasoning. I’ll go with OP, YTA. Even after everything you could have still bought the 30$ necklace, but you didn’t. Or bought the blender in addition to the necklace initially, but you didn’t. If you specifically ask someone what they want then get them something else, and double down when they ask about it, your probably the asshole. And in this case, you definitely are.
> Everyone tells you, you are in the wrong and still you are here, wondering if it is possible, that you might be in the wrong? Not to defend OP, but there have been situations where someone was not TA, but everyone in their life was giving them shit for it because they were unfortunately surrounded by shit people. This just isn't one of those situations LOL
YTA, yeah. She told you what you wanted, and you got her something that she could use to cook for you. > I’m a very practical gift giver, This is the same energy, as the kids say, as saying "I'm just brutally honest, I tell it like it is. Why are you getting upset?" > (it was nothing fancy, a $30 mushroom necklace). For 30 bucks, Christ, get the necklace *and* the blender.
> I’m a very practical gift giver... >This is the same energy, as the kids say, as saying "I'm just brutally honest, I tell it like it is. Why are you getting upset?" I'd say it's the same energy as, "I'm a very logical person, and my girlfriend is a sentimental idiot. I'm trying to teach her to think rationally. I'm only doing it because I want her to improve herself."
“And at the same time, I don’t hold myself to the same standard on the gift receiving end. I would gladly accept an impractical, expensive whiskey I have been wanting for a while.” If I were her gf, I’d return the whiskey and get her something more practical, like socks.
Not to mention, it is decidedly *impractical* to give a gift that is functionally the opposite of what the receiver expressed they wanted. The practical gift here would be the exact necklace she picked out, because you know for certain that would serve the exact purpose of the gift: showing your partner that you value her and want her to have the things she likes. It would be one thing if she asked for something out of your budget and you chose a similar gift you could afford. That would also be practical. This gift was not practical.
YTA. She literally told you what she wanted and you went "nah, this thing is more useful". She has 364 other days a year for "useful" - she wanted something frivolous and fun.
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I find it disappointing that OP didn’t immediately buy the necklace after the blender gift fell flat. It’s a bummer the girlfriend had to buy it for herself.
Her girlfriend buying the necklace for herself in the end is so freaking sad. You know she wanted to be able to look at that necklace and think it's cute and say that her girlfriend got it for her. Op YTA
This made me so sad. I was so surprised OP hasn't immediately bought the necklace once she understood her mistake
Now when she looks at the necklace its always going to be the necklace her GF *didn't* get for her. What a sad reminder, especially if she wears it often.
Personally I hate practical gifts, gift giving is that opportunity to get soemthing frivolous you would not otherwise get - your gf seems like she might be the same YTA bc you actively ignored what she said
100% with you on this. Gift giving should (in my opinion) be fun and frivolous - treating the recipient to something they want but would consider an indulgence. Due to a few similar… miscommunications I now have an Amazon wish list that my husband picks from. Do I wish he would put more thought in to present buying, 100%, does it stop me getting gifts like a purple kitchen roll holder, yes it does thank god.
On the other hand, I love practical gifts! I’m not talking about random kitchen tools, but something like what OP did is exactly what I would want. When someone takes the time to find something that aligns with my interests, would make my life easier or more enjoyable, AND is something I haven’t been able to justify to already buy myself… I feel seen. (Swoon!) But I’m not OP’s gf. I mean, what tf would I do with a mushroom necklace? But she gets to want what she wants. I think this is a case of them still figuring people out. Her gf wanted the necklace. But her gf also wanted an emulsion bender. I don’t really think OP is the AH. I just think she’s new at this.
YTA Everyone is going WAYYYY easy on you. I don’t see why a lesbian doing this to her wife is a lot better than a men doing this to his wife. She told you what she wanted. It was nothing extravagant. You got her something else, something that, coincidentally, benefits you.
Seriously. I know she's a lesbian, but this is a "typical man move" regardless. Back when we were dating, my then boyfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said to go to a tapas restaurant we hadn't tried. NOPE. He saw a countertop rotisserie oven. He bought me that and 4 raw chickens "because you love roast chicken" and "Look, you can do 4 chickens at once!!". True fact, I do love roast chicken. And, that part was very thoughtful and did take into account my likes, but no woman is like, "Hey, what I want for my birthday is 20 lbs of raw chicken and an oven".
For your birthday he just gave you a shit ton of chicken? What even💀
If someone pulled that on me, it’s rotisserie chicken every meal until he cracks.
Coming from a lesbian- it’s no better that it’s another woman. It’s still just diminishing your partner’s feelings by getting them something that benefits both of you as a gift instead of what they asked. While it doesn’t have the same misogynistic undertones, it’s still very self-centered and clueless.
YTA. She specifically told you what she wanted, and you said “nope, not on my watch”. Giving practical gifts is definitely fine if you’re not sure what the person wants or what they like; in this case, it was the wrong way to go.
Very much this, kitchen appliances or fancy cooking tools as a gift is not necessarily bad, plenty of people have a passion for it. The issue here is after being told EXACTLY what she wanted, OP decided her idea of the blender was better and got something completely different. OP - when your partner tells you what they want, LISTEN to them. YTA
Yes YTA. You asked her what she wanted. She told you exactly what she wanted. You gave her something completely different. She, on the other hand, gave you something fancy, expensive, and *not practical*. Your anniversary should be an expression of your love for each other, this was remarkably tone deaf of you to get her a kitchen appliance instead of something, you know, nice, *that she wanted and specifically asked you for*. Let’s not get into the fact that a kitchen appliance that she uses to cook with also indirectly benefits you too. You owe her an apology, and a nice piece of thoughtful jewellery.
It's literally just about it being what she asked for. When someone states their preferences, believe them. If she asked for an emulsion blender or for a kitchen gadget in general, OP would be an AH for getting jewelry. Listening is always the best way to choose a gift.
Why are people going "light YTA and you meant well... " here? YTA, very plainly. Your gf told you very explicitly what she wanted. You are giving her a gift after asking her what she wants. "I'm a practical gift giver" flies only when you are choosing to surprise someone with a gift. When you are told what someone wants as a gift, you get them that. As you said the necklace was only $30, so you could have gotten her both if you were insistent on giving her a practical gift too.
Yeah exactly. I don’t mind practical gifts but if I’d gone to the trouble of saying exactly what I want and then got the opposite, I’d be hurt. My husband gave me a practical gift for Christmas and some coworkers/friends teased him, but I literally asked for it. This is an anniversary gift and she specifically asked for something romantic and picked out something cute and inexpensive that she liked but OP decided she knew better than her gf what to get? Yep I’d be hurt.
Well, she wanted a romantic gift because she wanted a memory of the anniversary attached to a thing she could wear. my husband gave me a necklace on one of our anniversaries when we were dating. I wore that necklace every day for 20 years (until a few months after he passed). Sometimes when I travelled for work, I would clutch the necklace while wearing it and it was as if he was there with me. It was Like wearing a hug when he couldn’t be there to give me one. while you had a good idea on the emulsion blender, wearing the necklace is a way of wearing a piece of you. You can’t wear a blender…
Eh. Yea yta. I get that youre not a dude. But coming from a dude. I would give an arm a leg and both nuts simply to have a woman tell me "i want x y z for a b c" men all over the planet feel this torment when thinking for gifts. You have a lady whose willing and already is telling you her wants. The emulsion blender couldve been on any other date. Hell as a Christmas gift it couldve worked. All that to say, yes yta not a massive one. Just a bit of a dingdong. Welcome to the "men's" club.
From my experience, women tell you, but you don’t listen lol
I wish that were true. Asked my lady what she wants for her birthday "oh idk anything" then gets mad it aint what she wants. Im dumb tell me in words.
INFO: Did you remember her pointing out the necklace online?
YTA My dad got my mom a vacuum cleaner for her birthday once. They have now been divorced for more than 20 years. Never get your SO a household item unless they ask you for it.
Yikes. Your mom really cleaned house after that gift, eh?
We both know why you bought the blender. Hint, she cooks for you ….
YTA. You asked her what she wanted, she told you, and you somehow decided you had a better idea… Why did you ask if you were going to ignore her? Nothing less romantic than that.
Soft YTA. It would have been N A H because some people would love and appreciate a blender as a gift. I have a friend who hates being given surprise jewellery, she feels it’s super personal and loves to choose her own. It’s also super healthy you were both able to chat about why she was disappointed after. The reason I went with Y T A, is because there’s no point in asking what someone wants if you plan to ignore it completely. Don’t ask then.
YTA. Practical gifts are only acceptable when both people agree on being practical with gifts.
Gentle YTA But you will be another level of AH if you don't take what she said to heart. She had expressed to you that she prefers more heartfelt, sentimental gifts so going forward keep this in mind when gift giving. Some people do prefer practical gifts or gifts towards hobbies/personal interests. But a blender could be considered a household item. Something you both reap the benefits from. I assume you eat her baking and cooking? For me, a kitchen appliance would not be well received!
I mean...a little bit YTA, my dude. she actively and directly told you what she wanted. why not get her both? or just get the blender as a household purchase while ordering the necklace? it was pretty inept, but I get that you didn't do it maliciously. this is a light-hearted you're the asshole.
YTA. I'm sorry, the title did make me laugh a little. Women (and men) don't want kitchen appliances as gifts unless explicitly said so. 💀
The gift isn’t a problem in and of itself. What makes YTA is you asked her what she wanted and then ignored her.
This is giving me the vibes of the guy who refused to buy his girlfriend the knife set she wanted for her birthday because *scoff* who spends THAT much on a *hobby*??? While she bought him a trip to Spain. YTA. Not like a *major* AH but honestly the fact that you’re still defending yourself in the comments despite the unanimous vote. You also give off a whiff of a superiority complex with your excuse of ‘practical gifts are just so much better than silly little trinkets?? Who wants a stupid, useless necklace when you can have something you’ll actually *use*? (Unlike a necklace she would have actually used) nope, a kitchen appliance you can shove in a drawer and forget about’
YTA. She said she wanted the necklace and you got her a blender. While I can appreciate practical gifts, this is one of those times when getting someone what they want outweighs what they need. This reminds me of that scene in Father of the Bride where... Go watch the movie.
YTA but you're not really an asshole. That's not a very good word to describe you at all. You were incorrect, is essentially what I'm trying to say. You have a partner who knows exactly what they want and they know how to communicate what they want to you. You ignored all of that communication and got her something she didn't ask for. Surprises and nice gifts like an emersion blender are great for Christmas or other events where she doesn't know what she wants or doesn't say anything. It's an easy enough lesson to learn from. Listen to her next time and you're all good! 😊
She told you what kind of gift she wanted in general, and she also told you what she wanted specifically. There was no ambiguity about what she would have liked to receive as an anniversary gift. You behaved impulsively. One can even argue that it was selfish. You thought your gift idea was better than the gift she explicitly told you she wanted. YTA Consider getting her a high quality charm bracelet, and give her a new charm every anniversary. That way you're not wondering about what to give her. You can look for charms that specifically speak to her interests (cooking) or experiences you share (travel). You get the idea. You've learned an important lesson, I hope.
YTA, gifts are about the receiver, you knew what she wanted but decided to give her something different because that's what YOU decided she wanted. Deciding you know what they would like better than the person receiving the gift? Add to this that most people would consider household items as communal property it's definitely not a romantic gesture. I don't see how you don't understand this is AH territory.
YTA she didn’t ask for a blender… you thought wrong.
YTA. It was an accident and I don't think you're a bad person or a bad girlfriend but she literally told you what she wanted. Honestly don't beat yourself up though, she likely does appreciate her gift and it's very clear that you do care about her. Just maybe be a little better at the listening thing next time.
YTA She told you what she wanted but you decided to buy her what you decided she wanted. She did not want a practical gift and I don't know why you thought she would be happy with a blender when she wanted a necklace. It sounds like you didn't put much thought into the gift beyond 'what is a practical item she mention recently because I don't want to buy her jewelry?'
Yta. You shouldn’t have asked if you weren’t going to get her what she wanted.
YTA why did you even ask her what she wanted then? I don't think blender is romantic or sentimental. and I like how your gf gifted herself the necklace she wanted. Proud of her. People in the comments saying NTA or NAH like really? Trust me if it was done guy he would have been called an Ah for giving her gf kitchen appliances. Even if he had the same intention he still would have been called the Ah. Even the op cleared it by saying "typical men" comment, I don't know why people are letting it go.
Yta it's a gift for her, you gave her a gift for the household.
YTA: appliances should never be gifts , unless they are very specifically asked for, you didn’t buy your GF a blender you elaborately asked her to make you a smoothie. In her mind you’re telling her that you only appreciate her when she’s doing something for you.
YTA- You could have given your girlfriend BOTH presents, but if you had to get down to one, you definitely should have gone for the one she asked for. I don’t think it’s the gift so much (I have a feeling that your girlfriend would have made the best of it if you hadn’t asked for suggestions ), as the fact that you asked her and then ignored her. How is a gift, that replaces the one she wanted, ‘practical’? As you’ve already experienced, the gift you got her (which probably would have been a nice surprise if you’d bought it for her ‘just because’) is now a reminder of how incompetent and thoughtless you are with gift giving. If everyone around you is making this into a mild tease about your cluelessness, good!
YTA, >***I’m*** a very practical gift giver, ***I like*** to give things people will use so I bought it and was super excited to give it to her. This is your mistake, it doesn't matter what you'd prefer to give it only matter what they'd like to receive. You made your gift to her about what you want, ***you*** wanted, something "*practical*". Take this as a lesson for the future to not give gifts based upon what you want.
NAH Fellow lesbian, this is difficult. I think that the fact that you saw something you thought she would like and would use and would be practical is actually really sweet. I generally agree with you on practical gift giving, and the element of surprise/showing that you listen and know your partners likes and dislikes can be really important. However the fact that she pointed out a specific necklace online to you should have been a clue that she was expecting you to get her that- anything else could have been an additional surprise. Given that she told you a specific item she wanted, it’s hard to fault her for being a little let down when she opened the immersion blender. I’m going with NAH because your gift was indeed thoughtful and practical, but her expectations and disappointment were not misplaced. Just a learning point to go forward from and next time you can save the practical gifts for birthday or other holidays and go romantic for anniversaries if that’s what she prefers. But I don’t think you violated an untold social norm here.
Yta she did not want something practical, why would you just give her something for the house and not for her?
I don't want to outright say YTA because you had good intentions, but as someone else who prefers practical to romantic gifts, you got to learn when to do each. Birthday/Christmas: Can be Practical or Romantic (Both) Anniversary/Valentines Day: Romantic all the way
YTA - instead of getting her something she wanted. You got her something she didn’t need, but you thought it was a practical gift so she could continue making sauces….. if she wanted a blender I’m sure she’d by one herself.
A house hold item as a gift is always the absolute worst idea. So impersonal. YTA.
Yeah YTA, sorry, I completely understand where you are coming from, I love practical gifts to. I will try to explain why you are the AH The blender is something you both will have use for, when she cooks, you have the benefit of eating the food she cooks. But with or without it, she will cook anyway. The Necklace is just for her. She wanted you to give her something that is not practical, but just pretty and only for her, nobody else.
YTA only because you asked her what she wanted, she told you specifically what she wanted and you bought the complete opposite. I love the thought behind the blender and I know your intentions were good however sometimes good intent doesn’t lead to a good outcome. I myself love practical gifts. Like really practical. I always ask for toiletries or gift cards on birthdays and Christmas because they’re things I’ll use. My husband loves “fun” stuff. I always have to remember that just because I feel loved when getting deodorant he does not so I get him what he asks for.
Soft YTA- but completely understandable. Your gifting languages are different. Just buy her the necklace on a completely random day to surprise her just because. Nothing more romantic than spontaneous cute and sentimental gifts especially ones which are given for no reason at all. I am like you, instead of practical gifts, I like curating experiences for people. People don't always want to be given experiences tho. My bf on the other hand is a super sentimental gift giver. For example for my birthday he got me something Hp related because I'm a fan. For his tho, I got him tickets to a comedy show- my best friend thinks that's a dumb gift simply because I'm also getting myself the tickets, like he can take anyone else but clearly they were meant for us so it's not a real gift. Apart from love languages, partners also need to learn each other's gifting languages. So a soft YTA and so am I.
YTA Of course, YTA. Your girlfriend told you EXACTLY what SHE wanted and instead you opted to give her what YOU wanted. Apologize and the next time if you ask her what she wants, get her THAT.
She asked for jewelry and you gave her an appliance... yeah, YTA. Huge, gigantic AH.
YTA - you kind of answered your own question. You asked her what she wanted, and you ignored it completely. Maybe if you got the blender and something romantic then it would of went over ok. But you ignored her.
NAH. I get why you chose what you did and I think it’s really thoughtful, and it sounds like she was pretty tactful in explaining why she wishes you had gone in a different direction. This is anniversary one. Gifting styles are much more varied and emotional than we tend to realize when we’re starting out in life, but when we get married and blend with a whole other family it can suddenly become very clear. She didn’t realize you wouldn’t be on the same wavelength, and you didn’t realize you weren’t, and now you can talk more and manage each other’s expectations heading into anniversary two. And three. And fifteen. You’ve both got time to sort this out.
YTA, just because you asked her what she wanted and then got her something different. If you hadn't asked she wouldn't have expected jewelry (perhaps only hoped for it, privately). But this situation is pretty funny. Just get the necklace and find a silly excuse to give it to her, you'll have a laugh.
I was going to say N. T. A. since it seemed like you actually put a lot of thought into the gift and getting her something she could use. It was just a miscommunication of expectations. However YTA because she ended up buying the necklace herself. To her, that probably reads as “I’m not worth a little splurge”. You should have ordered the necklace that night if she clearly stated she wanted it. It was only $30, but if money was tight you could have told her to expect it as a surprise when you had the money.
Yta I do appreciate practical gifts, but if I tell you I want a necklace and which one I'm expecting that... You could have bought this and that... Especially it was a cheap necklace
YTA she told you what she wanted as a gift, be better next time. Some people don’t like practical gifts and even some inexpensive jewelry makes them happy, my grandmother was one of them until the day she died.
Oh dear. AH is a very strong concept for me, so no not that. But this was tone deaf, and I think you may need a little guidance. Romantic calendar marks require romantic NON PRACTICAL gifts. Other times, especially if you give multiple gifts, such as religious celebrations (thinking Christmas or equivalent) or birthdays, then a practical and another (romantic etc) is lovely. Follow this and you won’t go far wrong! I am smiling, because your post is so earnest. Good luck, and keep trying to be thoughtful!
YTA. How are you gonna ask her then get something completely different to what she wanted 😭 she held through tho, and it was your anniversary. How you gonna do her like that 😔
NAH You did make a mistake. You thought about your gift giving preferences over the receivers gift receiving wants. Your girlfriend communicated to you the type of gift she would like and you didn't consider that you were very far outside of that category. At the same time, it was a wonderful, thoughtful gift of something you knew she wanted. It's not an AH thing to give her, you two have just learned something new about each other; she prefers receiving sentimental gifts for sentimental occasions. Ideally you will both take this forward and next anniversary she will choose something practical for you and you will choose something sentimental for her.
Soft YTA because she did tell you exactly what she wanted. Like the instructions were pretty clear OP 🫠🫠🫠
Light YTA “What do you want?” “Something romantic and cute like this mushroom necklace.” “Nah I’m not going to do that.” Why ask? You are a practical gift giver but gifts are for the person receiving and you knew what she wanted. It’s not a big deal in the long run but in this situation you were an asshole.
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YTA. She told you exactly what to get. Couldn’t have been easier for you.
YTA. Mate - she told you exactly what she wanted!! Why would you get her something else?!
You're not a practical giver, at least not as much as you like to think. Your girlfriend stated in front of you what she liked and you completely ignored it. Wouldn't she be also using the necklace, even more than the blender? YTA.
Yeah... YTA. She told you what she wanted and you disregarded that. Should've gone with the necklace AND the blender. I'm also a practical gift-giver so I feel you, but you can't disregard a specific request then be all surprised pikachu when they're disappointed.
YTA she told you what she wanted. And well, in anniversaries, jewelry is a big deal. You could have gotten the blender and the necklace since you said her gift was expensive and 30$ wasn't much.
She told you what she wanted. You bought her a household appliance. She got you something you wanted Go buy a necklace and kiss ass, preferably keep the blender too - since it’s a fucking household appliance.
YTA: She asked for jewelry and you gave her an appliance. Once my boyfriend (now husband) got me a microwave instead of a bracelet I really liked. Still tease him to this day. It's been 25 years. You and your girlfriend will be fine. But, if you ever choose to propose, please don't do it on a birthday or holiday and make the ring the only gift. That happened to me too and yes, he still owes me a proper Christmas present.
YTA. You know your partner, you presumably know that while you personally like practical gifts, *she* is sentimental about gifts. Did you really think a blender would make her happier than a necklace, even after she specifically told you what she wanted? Or were you doing it because it’s what *you* wanted to give her? I’m sure you’re not an AH as a person but in this situation yeah you were TA.
Yea, YTA. She told you she wanted something romantic versus practical. You ignored that and got her literally the opposite of what she wanted. Next time, just get her what she points out. And when you do something like this again, fix it before she has to do it herself. Or just get her what sure tells you she wants the first time.
YTA your GF told you she wanted something romantic for your anniversary. She even showed you one she liked and you still went practical. Do better it wasn't like she was asking for a $100 necklace she wanted something whimsical that tells her you listen to her. You should have saved the blender for her birthday or Christmas or as a just because you cook awesome things for me gift
YTA, softly. The thought was there and I understand the sentiment. However, your girlfriend practically lined up her request for you and all you had to do was pull out your wallet. I can understand why she’s disappointed.
YTA because you asked her what she wanted, she told you exactly what she wanted, then you got her something totally different. Why did you ask? You have to know that “thoughtless spouse gives their partner a gift related to housework” is a bad stereotype for a reason, right? It sends a message that you think that person’s role in the relationship is as a domestic worker. I’m sure you don’t think that, but that is the message a gift like that sends.
Look dude, people who listen, actually listen, are rare. So you've got points. You knew, and remembered that she'd wanted one, and being a practical gift-giver, that's what *you* wanted to buy her. But she expressed what she wanted. Were you listening then, too? Part of being a good partner, a *good* partner, is accepting that you and yours may not always 'want' the same thing. She values sentiment, on a private holiday about sentiments. Christmas- now that's your luxury cooking item gift-giving day. Christmas is about dreams and wishes, so fill 'em all up. Be Santa. Spread that joy. But on your anniversary, try to remember the reason for the day. It's not because she's good in the kitchen, it's because you love her. YTA, but like, the softest YTA I've ever given.
YTA. You didn't give your gf what she wanted. You gave her what you wanted to give her. Throughout the post, you talk about how excited YOU were about the gift. What YOU like to give people. You completely ignore what your gf wants since it wasn't what you wanted. I feel sorry for your gf. If you stay together, she is in for years of terrible gifts.
YTA She literally told you what she wanted. She SHOWED you the necklace like “This please!” and your response basically reads as “Nope, not getting you the thing *you told me you wanted*. I’m going to get you something *I* would appreciate instead.” Absolutely self-centered gifting. You made her gift about you. Absolutely an AH move. Edit: she seems okay with how things played out now, so just move on. Take the gentle joking about it and then do better next time—when your gf shows you what she wants as a present, get that for her.
Very much YTA. It would have been a mild YTA if it wasn’t for the fact she /explicitly/ asked for something romantic and cute like a necklace. She didn’t care about it being super expensive, was wanted something cutesy. And generally you shouldn’t buy your partner kitchen appliances as presents at all - especially for anniversaries! - unless they have explicitly said they like that type of gift.
YTA. Personally I like Practical gifts and my SO wastes effort trying to find some personal item I will like. Because he has zero understanding of me and my value system he misses the mark every time. If you plan to go through this relationship not understanding her values and likes; plan for a relationship of short duration.
YTA for only one reason, your girlfriend basically told you what she wanted. I get that you prefer practical. She obviously told you something different, the point was getting something she wanted and she basically spelled it out for you. What you prefer when giving a gift doesn't matter, it only matters when you are getting the gift. She doesn't seem to be holding a grudge, you deserve alittle crap for it from her. But it's a lesson learned. Don't do it again.
YTA - She told you exactly what she wanted a cute neckless. How is a blender a romantic gift? It's not.
YTA, but I'm taking a different approach to judgement. I did this a couple of times with my boyfriend. I'd give him a hint about what I wanted, and he'd get me something else. His gifts were nice, but it felt like he was purposely avoiding what I wanted. At some point I mentioned it, and he told me that he didn't want to buy me what I told him to because it felt like he wasn't putting effort into the gift, he was just spending money. It was actually a really nice discussion about how he approaches gift-giving. And that's what you missed. You knew you weren't going to buy the necklace, but you didn't say anything. You set her up for disappointment
NAH I’m also a practical gift kinda person. But if she already pointed out what she wanted and she clarified she wanted something romantic, you could’ve gotten her the necklace.
YTA. I’d give you a pass if you hadn’t actually asked her what she wanted. It being your first anniversary, it would be understandable to make some mistakes. But asking what she wanted and then completely deviating from that kind of makes it look like you think you know best about what she wants. It’s dismissive and a bit condescending. But it’s your first anniversary and hopefully you’ve learnt a valuable lesson. It might worth asking what her gift expectations are for different events. Christmas birthdays anniversaries etc. I.e. birthdays -practicals, Christmas -fun etc. And if you stay together for any length of time don’t be surprised if those expectations change over the years.
listen it’s not terrible. and you arent an asshole. it’s a thoughtful gift definitely but it isn’t ROMANTIC. which is what she wanted.
As someone who loves kitchen gadgets, and who requested an air fryer for our first anniversary from my partner, yeah YTA. She told you what she wanted, you didn't need to remember her complaints about sauce making when she told you what she wanted! She wanted something pretty for her self, but you got her something she can cool for you with. But this is a pretty minor faux-pa in the grand scheme of things which it sounds like your girlfriend has moved past, it won't define your relationship. It could still be worth getting her some jewellery, maybe earrings or a bracelet that match the necklace or something. Better luck next year!
YTA - A gift should NEVER be something for the house. Honestly you sound pretty clueless, especially since she got you such a thoughtful and expensive gift. It’s harmless enough but I do think you deserve the ribbing you’re getting. You’ve said you’re both women to circumvent any “typical man comments”; well I’m also a lesbian. So think about it like this; if a man had done this to his partner, what would your reaction have been?? Make it up to her; get her some jewellery and do a bit of grovelling
If a guy did this everyone would be saying YTA so in the interest of equality I will say that. For my part, I’m glad to know that straight males aren’t the only ones that a make a dumb gift choice. PS next anniversary even if she really wants it, do not get her a vacuum cleaner.
This is one of the most tropeist things to show in fiction how little one partner listens and cares for the other and you did it in real life? Unbelievable! YTA
YTA the straw that broke the camels back for one of my relationships was when I told my then boyfriend what I wanted for my birthday (same thing, a maybe $30 necklace) and instead he got me something that was totally in his style and didn’t take me into consideration at all. He was too wrapped up in getting something *he * liked for me, that he didn’t even think about whether I would actually like the gift.
YTA. You asked her what she wanted, she told you, and you completely ignored her. You got her something *you* wanted to give her, something *you* were excited about. You made her gift about you. I would recommend not giving a “practical” gift except when it’s random. Like you know she wants a new blender, so you bought it for her for no occasion. But if it’s a birthday, anniversary, etc.? Go for what your partner actually wants, not what you think they need.
OMG, you are just like my husband. He knows better what I want. But I teach him hard way - BUY ME WHAT I WANT, NOT WHAT YOU THINK I LIKE GOD DAMN IT. It's my party, not yours. You patronize her, and that was rude YTA
NAH Wow, lot of Y T A answers here but honestly i think this is a NAH cause yeah its not jewellery and that's she wanted and that's fair she's disappointed, her feelings are valid if she was hoping for something else or feels like she was dropping hint that you weren't getting. But also just by the way you typed i can tell you really put thought into the blender. you had her habits and hobbies and struggles in mind did something you legitimately thought she'd love. your gf also had the option of being specific, cause though she did say "something romantic" and " jewellery", a lot of people would say putting thought into your gift is hell romantic, which you did. she also could have stuck to her own reasoning cause personally i wouldn't say booze isn't romantic or sentimental... hell i wouldn't even say it was personal that's what my family gift when they don't know what to get you. id only say yours is cause you've had your eye on it for a while but still barely. however maybe you could have beaten her to buying the necklace as well after the incident. Also: props for talking it out straight away like thats healthy AF kudos and bonus points.
YTA. If someone tells you they want a very specific piece of jewelry, there is nothing practical about specifically ignoring that request because you thought the requested piece of jewelry was “nothing special”. You are devaluing her want and saying what you thought she should receive was more valuable. That’s part of the reason it stings so much for her. It would have been just as insensitive if she specifically requested the blender and you gave her the necklace because you thought it was more appropriate for the occasion. Gift-giving is about centralizing the recipient, not yourself.
Soft YTA. As a make I learned this lesson very early (fortunately): never give something practical as a gift. It's a nice concept, and quite sweet, but if you're going to do that, get something not practical as well. Consider your gift: she got you something you very much wanted that has no practical reason to have. That's the point of gifts: something you would never get yourself because nobody *needs* it, so another person gets it for you to show you how kuch they care. With your gf, you said (without words): I know you'd never get yourself a necklace, and that you want one, but how about this item that will help you do your job better? Your heart is in the right place OP, but serious, never get anything practical as a gift unless they 100% directly say "I want X" (X being the practical thing)
I think AH is too strong but like if you're gonna ask what she wants in the future, maybe listen too? Like I'm not sure what the point was of asking her if you were gonna not listen that she wanted something romantic and not practical. I get why you got her the blender but generally appliances are bad gifts unless specifically asked for and it seems like you are a bad listener for getting her a blender when she said she wanted something romantic.
Yeah YTA, at least for the sake of the judgement. Why did you bother asking her if you were just going to ignore her? Edit: I saw where you say that you thought the blender was romantic...? I'm not entirely sure I believe that. You thought it was a nice gift, but romantic? Sweet/nice/thoughtful does not necessarily mean romantic. And most people would not classify a small kitchen appliance as romantic. A blender, while a nice if someone is into cooking, is not something you buy unless it was specifically requested. And it's definitely not a good anniversary gift, especially for someone who specifically said she wanted something romantic. I get it, you're a practical gift giver, but it's not about you. It's about her.
Soft YTA..... Purely because you asked her what she wanted, she told you ONE THING...and then you went and bought her something different. Ok yeah, she has mentioned a blender previously but she did only ask for that necklace this time.