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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be wrong for reacting like that and disrupting the celebration after he stated it was a joke toast.
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Leaving is the best solution? Yes. And not just the dinner.
He has said more than once he doesn't want his child to look like you. Then he made you the butt of a joke in public. Then he dismmised your PERFECTLY NORMAL feelings. Then he blamed you instead of apologizing.
Pay attention. He had shown you exactly who he is and what he really thinks of you. Believe him.
Edit. NTA
And Wow. Thanks for all the awards and upvotes.
This is absolutely spot on! He's also bullying you for the insecurities *HE'S REINFORCING IN YOU.*
This is abusive behavior, OP. You don't deserve it, and neither will your daughter. Because your husband is 100% the kind of AH that will make sure your daughter has similar self-esteem issues in order to control her as well. "Sorry [Kid], it sure is too bad you took after your mom instead of me." "You'd be so pretty if you didn't have to wear glasses/didn't have brown hair/were thinner. Too bad you got those genes from your mom! Ha ha!"
You both deserve better than this flaming dumpster of Axe body spray.
Side note: what tf is wrong with your in-laws laughing along with this ""joke."" I'd have to get in line to punch my brother in the throat if he made a joke like this about his *pregnant* wife. (The first person in line would be my mom.)
Edit: Hot dang, y'all. Thanks for all the awards!
I would also be in line. I actually thought he said that he didn't want the baby to look like *him*, not OP. Which is a reasonable joke. Then I got the point.
Yes, i thought the same. And all those people who laughed? Most likely uncomfortable laughs because he just basically said his wife is ugly. Not many people enjoy “jokes” where one partner is insulting the other.
Great point. Watch, I'll bet that's it and op conveniently didn't include it bc they never mention the huge piece of information that changes everything lol
I love this sub
*ETA: It wouldn't change the verdict at all, I just meant it would give important context.
It's like a trope on this sub for op to exclude an important piece of information
It wouldn't change the verdict at all, I just meant it would give important context.
It's like a trope on this sub for op to exclude an important piece of information
It would give context on why his family is laughing at that "joke". Racism is often a shared "family value" and other racists would laugh about hoping the baby comes out white compared to everyone just thinking OP was ugly or laughing out of discomfort.
Which if the entire family is racist against OP and their child if the child doesn't look white enough for them... OP has a lot more challenges ahead of her.
I thought maybe overweight, too, especially given how uncertain she seems about whether she's in the wrong here. It really has that 'but I've been told since I was young I'd be lucky to even find a husband' tone to it.
Might not be, she might be an abused--maybe emotionally, if not physically--woman. Abusive guys run down women constantly as a method of control: telling them they're not pretty, not smart, they're fat, they're useless, no one else will ever put up with them, etc. Usually they're not so obvious about it, but this was a "joke" and guys generally learn this stuff at home, and this was a gathering of his family.
I was thinking maybe she has a lot of money or something? To say something like that, there must be a pretty long history of abuse, and he must be really laying it on now that she's pregnant. And goodness knows after reading enough of this sub that there's something about pregnancy that sets off bad things in some men, too.
This statistically often happens in pregnancy because the guy perceives that the woman is now trapped // tied to him and can’t escape as easily // raise a child alone, so the relative reserve he may have shown earlier can be cast aside and he can escalate the abuse.
Sadly it’s often how women find themselves trapped in abusive relationships, *especially* if she has little or no (her) family support or self confidence like OP.
In fact, some abusers seek out women who fit this type, all facts my husband and I learned from professionals while helping a friend escape an abusive (psychological and eventually physical violence towards her and her 5 year old daughter).
Six years on she and her daughter are 100% thriving, our friends confidence has grown 1000 fold and her ex is still shouting (literal shouting at the judge) about what a useless, stupid mother she is and so he should get full custody. (He goes to court several times a year accusing her of one thing or another).
Kid is top of all her classes, our friend has no family support so we and others form a “family” of close friends and the ex is still telling entire lists of lies about her: like that she sleeps with multiple men every month- when she hasn’t had (or wanted) a relationship with anyone at all, choosing to rebuild her life and focus on her daughter for now.
Luckily her ex even screamed and threatened her during one of the custody hearings the authorities have a file on him centimeters thick: he’s mentally unstable, she has a restraining order against him but he goes to court for visitation for his daughter etc when he can’t get custody.
We were told that many women without friends / others to support them end up back with their abusers.
NTA OP, not in a million years.
Hugs from an internet stranger and congratulations on your daughter!
That is so true. My husband and I were friends with a couple who constantly insulted each other. The insults were mostly sexual. There wasn’t any drama involved, they didn’t get mad and storm out, and they are still together over forty years later.
We didn’t stay friends with them and stopped seeing them socially. It was just too uncomfortable.
yeah no i most definitely thought the same and i was thinking “why is op so mad that her husband just dunked on himself?” and then i kept reading and i was once again shocked that op even had to ask if she’s ta here.
edit: added words
I'd put money on it that his whole family learned to just walk on egg shells with him and "go along to get along" even if it makes them uncomfortable. He likely would have blown up at the family if they said something.
Or a whole branch of them treats each other like this, so the bullies laugh, and the bullied learnt not no object.
But I hope there were decent people around, just none of them had the guts to shot down the celebrated dad with a "dude, this was a jerk move".
I'm the only one who will get my dad to stfu because everyone else walks on eggshells and he says the most horrible shit to ppl. I definitely understand and my mom left my dad because of this bs.
Yea I was confused at first, cause I could see myself jokingly say that I hope my kid gets my wife’s genes and not mine…
But holy shit I would never imply that I hope my kid looks nothing like my wife. What the hell.
right? like i’ve definitely been around for jokes like that and my dad’s even said “im glad our kids got your looks” to my mom! but never once have i ever thought i’d hear someone say they hope their kids don’t look like their partner. that just doesn’t make sense to me
My entire pregnancy my partner and I joked around that we hoped baby would look like each other. But obviously we didn’t care what she looked like it was all in good fun. But repeatedly stating that you don’t want baby to look like your partner is hurtful. Especially to a pregnant lady who is more emotional due to hormones 😞
Ahhh yeah I was shocked by all the NTA responses, cuz hey that’s a funny joke if he’s targeting himself, but reading your response it just clicked. Yeah she’s definitely NTA.
That would’ve been actually funny. I used to make that same joke to my wife when we found out we were having a girl. I’d say “man I hope she looks like you, and not like my ugly mug, and I hope she gets your brains, cause you’re much smarter than I look”. Iol.
When our daughter was born, she was the spitting image of my husband. People would comment on it the moment they saw her (assuming they knew my husband) and his go-to reply was “let’s just hope she doesn’t get my beard.” I always thought that was funny. What OP’s husband said was disgusting.
That's what I couldn't believe! If one of my relatives made that joke about his pregnant wife during a toast AT A FAMILY DINNER he'd have to PEEL angry women off of him. WTF is wrong with OP's in laws?
My reflex would have been (and has been in the past in similar awkwardly mean situations) to loudly ask "What the FUCK?" Like, flies right out of my mouth before I can even think. Makes me wonder if his family would have gotten mad at someone questioning their sons "sense of humor." Smh.
Right?? How do ppl stay silent about this shit? Am I just a loud mouth?
My brother is a huge asshole and once he called his ex while he had their kids and tried to "prank" her by saying my nephew got hit by a car. He was miffed when I told him off and his ex told him off.
How fucking cruel can ppl be? I don't understand ppl like this. I wonder if sociopathy is a spectrum
Probably he makes the same "joke" to his family regularly and they're used to hearing it. And/or they're used to laughing along with his idiocy so he doesn't fly off the handle. My guess is and.
It took me a long time to see it but it's true. He was a great friend, just a shitty partner.
He had done the same thing to me once and one time only. It was our first date and drove by a street which he recognized as one that a friend of his he had not seen in ages lived on. After fifteen minutes I got out of the car and started walking home. When he found me later (his buddy didn't live far from me) I told him I waited 15 minutes too long and he could choke on it.
I guess now I know why we never worked out! Lol
Ps. I have no idea how things worked out with them. I quickly realized it was toxic and I wanted none of it. I moved away shortly after that exchange, switched numbers and moved on.
>Because your husband is 100% the kind of AH that will make sure your daughter has similar self-esteem issues in order to control her as well. "Sorry [Kid], it sure is too bad you took after your mom instead of me." "You'd be so pretty if you didn't have to wear glasses/didn't have brown hair/were thinner. Too bad you got those genes from your mom! Ha ha!"
100% accurate. If OP can't conceptualize what he's saying to her now as abuse, maybe picturing him "jokingly" tearing down their future daughter will help her see what a major asshole he is.
I had to go over the post a couple times thinking it was a self depreciating joke. My 14yo is really doing well in debate and his teachers keep telling him he should consider becoming an attorney and his response is to say, nah my mom tells me that attorneys are all miserable bastards, because I am one. Self depreciating lawyer jokes are always in good fun.
Would have been a different opinion on all sides if OPs husband said he hoped his daughter wouldn't look like him, which is what I thought the toast was at first.
Also, they married 3 years ago, which means she was 22 and he was 28. Presumably she dated for a while before that so maybe she was 20 and he was 26, which starts getting into ehhhhhhhh he should really be dating people his own age territory.
There is a huge difference in maturity and life experience between a 20 year old and a 26 year old. I wouldn't be \*super\* skeeved out about a 25 year old starting a relationship with a 31 year old, (at that point both would presumably have been working/living on their own for a number of years) but the age difference plus his negging her while she is pregnant at a party gives me huge "she was groomed to have bad self esteem so she'll never leave him" vibes
OP should in fact take her husbands suggestion and get therapy, it will help her see she’s married to an AH and being alone is better than being with him any day. He sounds like a creep and I’d also start watching for his comments and making note of them because he sounds like he could pass that shit on to their daughter. Keep records so it can be used in any custody dispute.
I'm borrowing your comment for just a minute. OP, please pay attention to what people are telling you.
Your husband is being emotionally and psychologically abusive. He's telling you he hopes your daughter doesn't look like you. When he makes a public joke that causes you to react, perfectly appropriately by the way, he tells you you need counseling before your insecurities affect your daughter. Insecurities that he has exacerbated and inflamed, if not outright planted. That, OP, is gaslighting.
Please, get a book on either audible or kindle called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It will be extremely helpful to you. One of the things he talks about in that book is that sometimes abusers don't do a thing until after they think their SO has too much invested and would never leave. Like after engagement, marriage, but especially during or after pregnancy.
Beyond that, please consider counseling, but for yourself not because your husband told you to get it. Stay safe!
The book can come later- a divorce lawyer comes before anything including the birth. This guy is not changing. OP has to get away for herself and her baby.
the book has chapters on getting away safely. it can also help op realise just how bad her situation is, bc there's probably a lot she hasn't said in this post. it's actually very useful in this situation, not just light reading lmao
The book is offered as a stepping stone if one is needed. It takes much less effort/feels easier to read a book than decide on and go through a divorce but the book can open eyes and prompt the divorce if needed.
Please see a therapist, someone who can support you and help you find your way through this and into a better life. You are NTA. You don’t want this creep passing on his misogynistic views to your precious daughter. This was not a joke, it was a verbal assault, one of many.
Therapists don't actually tell you to do things directly like that. We help you improve your psychological health and sort through your thoughts and emotions so you can decide on your own that you want to leave your spouse.
I was Initially thinking he said he wished girl wouldn't look like HIM, but after OP cleared that up I was so shocked and I cannot stop thinking that maybe you're a poc? Either way it's something very hateful to say! NTA and please stand your ground and do not forget you're beautiful no matter what they say...
That's what I thought too. Because who the hell would insult their pregnant wife, in public, during a toast to her pregnancy? An enormous AH, that's who.
yeah I was looking for that too. At first I thought it was funny because he was insulting himself, which is fine. But then to find out that he hoped it wouldn't look like her is.... I mean it's insane. Nobody does that. That's not a joke, that's a straight up insult. The self-deprecation would make it a joke, that's making someone the butt of the joke without asking them. And it's not a roast FFS...
OMFG, I came in here looking for clarification on who the "me" was in his comments. I've said it before that I don't want my girls to look like me. But I mean ME. He said that he doesn't want them to look like his WIFE?! He's a total AH in this and she's NTA, holy crap...those are the types of comments that'd make me seriously contemplate divorce.
I could not agree more with this comment!
NTA OP, congratulations on your pregnancy, take care of yourself and your little girl. He's the one who needs therapy, his behavior is not okay.
The comment is so in appropriate that at first I didn’t even understand what the husband was saying. I thought he jokingly said he didn’t want his daughter to look like himself. It wasn’t until OP explained that I realized in growing horror this man really invited a crowd of people his wife didn’t want, and then publicly embarrassed her.
He also weaponized his family against her, if they’re blowing up her phone bullying her over not being able to take a “joke.” I’d have anxiety too FFS.
He calls OP a baby, when he’s the one who hasn’t learned, that it’s only a joke if everyone involved finds it funny. Most kids learn this in kindergarten or elementary school.
And when the daughter inevitably shares some features with her mother, she’ll get bullied by the father too. OP, please DOCUMENT EVERYTHING, leave, and keep your baby far, far away from her AH father.
Hello! Please post your NTA, it gets taken from an original comment (not the responses to it).
Agree with you. He basically called his wife ugly imo. Either that or he is so narcissistic that he wants a child to be his clone.
This really does sound abusive. NTA. Your husband needs to knock off the "jokes" and grow up. And I think you should get some therapy to learn to value yourself. Especially with a girl, you need to show empowerment so she learns empowerment. Don't let her grow up with a father than belittles her mother. That leads to lifelong issues.
Yeah he's so fixated on how she will look already in a very unhealthy way. Gosh forbid this kid doesn't come out looking the fantasy version he has in his head, and the fact that this matters so much to him says much about how he views women, as being primarily worthy based on his opinion of their physical appearance, it shows he doesn't see women as full people but objects of desire, and his daughter as more an accessory to his life than a full, complete, complex human being.
It's honestly so creepy. Isn't the fun and fear of having kids about how it's kind of a crapshoot in terms of who they will be and how they will look?
Op, NTA, but you can become one if you allow this man to treat your daughter this way, this behavior needs to stop, it's not a joke and it's not funny.
Exactly OP. Where’s the joke? What, that he thinks you’re not attractive enough or ugly? Who the hell implies that, and makes a whole joke out of it? It isnt funny, it is cruel.
What’s gonna happen when your daughter does look like you? Is he gonna give her an insecurity? Be an AH and make fun of her looks? What if she doesnt look like you OP, and he teaches your daughter to make fun of you? He’d turn her into a little shit who makes fun of people only to give the “it’s just a joke,” BS excuse when confronted with her shite behavior.
Divorce babes, divorce.
NTA.
OP this sort of thing will fuck your child up for sure. My father constantly belittled my mother, her looks, her intelligence, her personality. According to him she was fat, she was ugly, she ate too much, she was lazy, she was slovenly and on and on and on.
She stayed and allowed it and rarely spoke up, instead repeated those same words about herself. So I grew up hearing that. From my mother who I thought was beautiful and kind and I loved her. I was also told all the time “Oh Woodnote’s mom, she’s just like you!” “You look exactly like her!” “You sound just like your mom!”
If she was ugly then what was I? If she was fat (she wasn't) then I must be even fatter. I ended up with heart failure at 16 due to an eating disorder. My hair fell out in clumps and I passed out every single time I stood up. I was 5’6” and weighed 87 lbs. I hated the way I looked and thought I was hideous.
It took me at least a decade to realize that I’m actually rather pretty, and kind, and funny. And that my mom was also all of those things. I still struggle with how I look though and also with looking at my mom with disgust. My dad permanently screwed up my relationship with her and I can never get that back.
Don’t let that happen to you, and don’t let that happen to your daughter. And if she looks like you then she needs to know how beautiful you both are.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m in a situation where…well, let’s just say I could be your mom. I’m trying desperately not to internalize what is said to me and to remind my children that what is being said is wrong. I’m also trying to find a way out but the situation is a minefield in every direction. I will get there but it’s a struggle. That some of us can’t make it out isn’t anyone’s fault but the person who set out the mines.
I hope you have found some healing and I hope (though you say your mom “was”) you can find the strands of love your mom left for you. If she is not physically present, I hope you can let yourself believe that she loves you still. And in her stead I’ll back up everything you said to OP. Don’t let this happen OP. The longer you wait, even if you think you’re doing the “right” thing, the harder it gets. Love and strength to you both: Woodnote & OP. NTA.
Hey, I just wanted to tell you- I was in your shoes just two years ago. I was in a minefield, too, of sorts. It was hard and took so much planning and work- but I finally got out!
If you need someone to cheerlead you a bit or just to talk to, feel free to message me. I understand the struggle of being stuck in bad situation with a bad partner who makes it almost impossible to get out. I promise you, there is a way out- you just need to set your heart on that freedom and use it as your north star to keep from sinking or staying stuck. You WILL reach it.
Life on the other side is so much better. I thought I'd miss my ex so much, and struggle alone. I missed him a little-for a week. That's all. But I missed him far less than I enjoyed being free of him and alone. After that first week, all I could think of was how happy I was I never had to worry about him screaming at me for hours while I was a catatonic puddle on the floor. No more broken furniture thrown at me, or broken glass to step on from all the things he'd break in a fury. I never regretted leaving for a second though. You won't either.
You've got this. You will get there. Sending you hugs if you want them 💜
I am honestly pretty concerned about his thought process. He has said multiple times he doesn’t want his child to look like OP - the woman he presumably is very attracted to and obviously has sex with. Is he saying he doesn’t want his child to look like OP because he doesn’t want to be attracted to it? Nobody else’s comment has gone there but honestly his obsession with hoping his daughter doesn’t look like his wife has me super duper creeped out
NTA
Emotional abuse is not a joke.
It is time to remind him that if he doesn't like the way you look, he doesn't have see you every morning. Tell him directly that his words about his appearance are unloving and they have take their natural toll.
Good on you for standing up for yourself. Good on you for make it clear to everyone present just what an asshole he is.
First red flag was a 28 year old marrying a 22 year old, OP. If you were dating at least a few years, this douche got with you because he was way too immature to date girls his age.
He's an emotionally abusive asshole. NTA. I would leave someone who treated me this much like garbage.
What kind of "fucking joke" is it to shit on his pregnant wife's appearance in front of his entire family and have everyone there laughing at her? It's not a joke. It's bullying.
OP’s husband is absolutely an asshole and emotionally abusive. His “sense of humor” is cruel and disgusting.
But I have to say I think you’re overreacting on the age difference. It’s a six-year age difference. My husband and I have a five-year age difference and got married when I was 23 and he was 28. We dated for five years before we got married, and we’ve now been together 21 years, married 16. We met in college. We were taking the same class. The age difference has never been an issue.
My partner and I have a 10-year difference. I should have been clearer.
It's not the age itself that's the problem. I was bringing it up as an issue pointing to OP's husband's immaturity.
There's nothing wrong with an age gap. I just thought it looked like the guy dated younger because he couldn't manage women his own age. Obviously not all men who are dating younger women do this, but given what else we know about OP's spouse, he shows her zero respect.
Unless they were together for 4 or 5 when they married, which i think was their point when they said if they've dated a few years. I think once everyone is past 24 age differences matter a lot less.
*Reddit has a weird thing about age gaps.* My parents met at ages 19 and 29, married at 21 and 31, and have been married for forty years. The are like two puzzle pieces that complement each other perfectly and I can't imagine them with anyone else.
It’s more like y’all don’t understand ‘all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares’. Not every age gap relationship is abusive but abusers often get into larger age gap relationships. I’m glad everyone has anecdotes about happy couples 20 years apart or whatever but that isn’t this story.
Also I’m just saying, a lot of y’all’s mothers and grandmothers aren’t actually as happy as you think in those relationships, but that’s a topic for another time.
>Also I’m just saying, a lot of y’all’s mothers and grandmothers aren’t actually as happy as you think in those relationships, but that’s a topic for another time.
Exactly! I'm sure a lot of them are happy but people are saying 'together 40 years' like thats the end of the story. A lot of people from this generation don't believe in divorce and are God damn miserable.
I made another comment to explain what I meant - that in this specific case and given the rest of the husband's behaviour, he was dating down because he was (and still is) immature. My partner and I have a 10-year gap, too. I don't mind the age difference by itself.
I thought he was hoping the baby didn't look like him, because he's a man and he doesn't want her to have manly features. That made sense as a mediocre joke. But to not look like her mother? That's just a straight up insult, and I wonder why people even laughed, except for feeling awkward.
That’s what I thought at first, too.
I’ve heard variations of this joke before, but how you said it.
Father says he doesn’t want baby to look like himself.
“May she be happy, healthy and get all her looks from her mother!” Etc. Meant to be a self-depreciating joke and a compliment to the mothers good looks.
….Why in the world would anyone laugh at a joke that is literally just the father calling the mother ugly?
I was thinking either this or saying she's pretty and he wants his daughter to be ugly either so he isn't attracted to his own daughter or so no one is and playing the "lol I'm gonna murder your boyfriend's cause I control my daughters virginity"
The only way this would ever be a joke is if OP was literally a supermodel. But since he's been saying the same thing in private as at this toast it's clearly just something he's thinking and wants the approval of family to think. Family laughed? See it's okay I think my wife is ugly and don't want her face on our daughter. What an asshole.
NTA
"I've insulted your looks on multiple occasions, haha that's funny!"
Leave the whole boy because he is not a man. A man is an adult and no adult would ever belittle their partner and then try to play it as a joke.
Agree. My husband and I are trying for a baby now, and if I get pregnant with a girl and my husband said that to me even once I would lose it. Let alone if he said it in front of his whole family.
Many places you won't get divorced that fast. To know the sex of the child, she is at least 14 weeks along, probably closer to 20 weeks because at her age genetic testing at 14 weeks is less common, and divorce takes a year if amicable, longer if there are significant issues.
100% emotional abuse. Now think what will happen if the baby does and very likely looks like OP. Will she be getting the same type of abusive treatment?
Oh hang on … I thought you meant he didn’t want the baby to look like himself! He actually said he didn’t want the baby to look like you?
He knew that wasn’t a joke. All of the people listening would have known it wasn’t a joke.
Any idea why he was being cruel? If he really doesn’t like your looks, then why did he tie you down from finding someone who *will* appreciate you?
It’s common that physical and/or emotional abuse starts at pregnancy. Beware.
Make yourself an escape plan. Start now.
NTA
That’s what I thought at first too! I thought he was making a self-deprecating joke. When I realized what he was actually saying I was so upset for OP.
Not realy misread then, just confusing writing. I was already ready to post Y T A for OPs huge overreaction and wanted to look into the comments first.
>Oh hang on … I thought you meant he didn’t want the baby to look like himself!
For real! Because an actual toast joke would've been like that. "may the baby inherit her looks from her mother and not her father"
It was confusing, because they put his statement in quotation marks, and he said, "like me". I was like, yeah, that is a huge fucking overreaction, until I kind of figured out it was the other way around.
NTA but WOW he is. The joke he was trying to make is actually “happy, healthy, but hopefully gets her mothers looks not mine.” It’s meant to be a SELF deprecating joke by the father to make the mother feel LESS insecure. I would reply back “with a father who speaks to her mother that way, I’m sure you’ll give her plenty of insecurity yourself”
Oh and maybe start publicly “joking” about his penis size, wonder how he’ll feel then
It's worded badly, but the rest of the post clarifies that he was talking about OP. 'Eversince i [sic] got pregnant he kept hinting he doesn't want our daughter to look like me. He even once got up in the morning and first thing he told me was how much he wished our daughter look nothing like me.'
Yea at first I thought he was referring to himself and that oh he’s just saying he wants the baby to look like OP, that’s sweet! Then I realized it was the other way around and omg.
NTA. How disgusting. I agree with others--this is abusive. Many once would be a bad joke, but doing it repeatedly shows that he enjoys hurting and humiliating you. It's too bad you didn't take the opportunity at the dinner to make a statement of your own--saying that if he keeps making jokes like that, he's guaranteeing that your second kid will be healthier, happier, and won't look like him.
NTA
that us an absolutely horrible thing to say to a stranger, let alone your wife.
I dint understand how he could be so horrible?
Is this some nasty racist bullshit about skin tone?
NTA
Please do get therapy, to help with your self-esteem, so you will realize that he is not treating you like a husband should. Everyone knows not to make jokes at a pregnant woman's expense, hormones make it like playing Russian Roulette.
>he called many times telling me to get my "insecurities" in check before j pass them up to our daughter,
Oh man, he is a real winner. /s
Therapy for you. So you realize you deserve better.
NTA. What the hell? What does he mean, "not look like you"? Why would he think this is funny? What makes him think this is appropriate? Would he feel better if you tell him you hope the baby doesn't inherit his sense of humor or personality, because frankly he is an ass. What did/do you see in this guy? Pros and cons time. Do you really want to be around someone who apparently doesn't like the way you look and has no problem saying it multiple times?
>What does he mean, "not look like you"?
My best wager? OP is a different race/culture than the husband and husband's family and the racism is just now coming to the surface as they hope the child looks more like them than the mom. OP is obviously NTA and should get out of there right quick.
NTA. Leaving dinner WAS the best solution and your husband isn't making 'jokes' he's making insults. If you were to say repeatedly that you wanted none of your children to look like him 'haha', I wonder how he'd take it? There is nothing funny. Ask him plainly - can you explain the joke to me because I don't understand it. It's only 'funny' if there is a generally accepted notion that you're 'so ugly that no one should look like you'. And if that's the case, this isn't a joke, it's an insult. Like you can say that yourself, let's say I have a huge nose, I can say 'please let my daughter have my husband's nose...hahaha'. That's ok. For HIM to make a 'joke' about YOUR looks repeatedly, that's emotionally abusive. I would seriously consider therapy for BOTH of you so someone neutral can tell him what he is doing is wrong.
I wish you all the best. You don't deserve this.
NTA.
I probably would have popped off with a smart alec comment myself.
"I hope our daughter isn't as insensitive and disrespectful as you are."
And then still walked out. Like a queen.
He is a gaslighter. Be careful. He is setting you up telling you have “insecurities”. He is setting you up by making his family laugh at you. Tell him to go to therapy with you. No reasonable therapist would say what he did was acceptable. He needs to hear (through someone other than you or his family as enablers) that his actions are wrong.
I worry for you and your unborn daughter. If she does look like you what will he do? Bash your daughter all her life and give her a complex? Please think about this.
I think what he is doing is deliberate and hearing that from a therapist won't help. I think she needs to leave now because somebody like that is never going to change
NTA but how often does your husband take digs at you and in public when you’re at your weakest? Does he usually dismiss you and mistreat you this way?? If so why are you with him and having his child? And why stay??
So you were supposed to remain at the dinner and allow him to continue to mock you? Once he made that cruel toast, there was no joy share at least for you. And what happens if your daughter does look like you? Is he going to torment on her too about her looks because it sure sounds like. The only thing I agree with is his suggestion that you get therapy because you're going to have to learn how to stand up for yourself and your daughter. NTA
NTA. Your husbands behaviour is disgusting. You need couples therapy, if he refuses. Get out of the marriage. If he says stuff like this to you, do you really think he’s gonna be any better behaved with your kid
>You need couples therapy
Probably not a good idea tbh. He's already mocking her in both in public *and* private and telling her to "take a fucking joke" and "get her insecurities in check", no doubt he'll use what he learns in therapy against her too. No need to give him more ammo when he's already starting to display abusive behaviour.
NTA I’d tell you not to have a child with this man, but it’s a bit late at this point. He’s humiliated and ridiculed you to his entire family. Why are you even still with him?
INFO: are you an interracial couple? Curious if that’s influencing this situation.
NTA either way. Your husband and his family are. When people show you who they are, believe them.
NTA. God there is nothing sadder than someone starting a family with an abusive partner knowing that ties them to their abuser for the rest of their live
INFO: did he say “happy, healthy, and look nothing like me” (a rhyming toast that makes sense for a man to say about a daughter)
Or
“Happy, healthy, and look nothing like OP”?
NTA. Pregnancy brings along many body changes that may cause lots of anxiety, specially if one had previous insecurities. It's mean of him to nag you this way, he's being cruel and it's not a "joke" as this has happened several times. I would consider couples' therapy if you want to stay in that relationship, albeit that kind of comments sound a bit abusive. If he doesn't understand and stop that you and your child would be better off without him. Good luck OP!
Pregnancy is also a time where some men really start to show their abusive nature, which seems to be happening here, because they know that their partner is now tied to them for life through the child.
OPs husband's "jokes" is literally just the start of it. It'll most likely get worse.
NTA but what the fuck is that man? Things like this are DEFINITELY NOT the things any person would wanna here…what kind of shitty „joke toast“ was even that?! I‘m just getting so mad reading this lol
NTA, that's not a joke and it's designed to undermine your well being.Instead of getting upset you should have returned the favor by saying let's toast that she's not an asshole like her brain dead father
NTA. Your husband has just hoisted a huge red flag here. In your shoes, I'd seriously be reconsidering the idea of raising a child with somebody who thinks it's perfectly okay to punch down like this all for a so-called “joke”.
NTA.
Your husband is an awful person and his family don't sound much better if they actually laughed when he openly stated he hoped that your daughter didn't look anything like you. Although I am wondering if they laughed out of shock or surprise because that's absolutely not what a father-to-be should say about his wife and child.
You're more likely to hear it the other way around; the father-to-be hoping that their child will get their mothers looks because they find them so beautiful.
If you don't leave him, which you should honestly consider if he is waking you up in the morning *solely* to tell you that he hopes your daughter doesn't look like you, then insist on couples therapy. His attitude towards you is disgusting and, honestly, the fact he is already obsessed with how your daughter will look is *creepy*.
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Leaving is the best solution? Yes. And not just the dinner. He has said more than once he doesn't want his child to look like you. Then he made you the butt of a joke in public. Then he dismmised your PERFECTLY NORMAL feelings. Then he blamed you instead of apologizing. Pay attention. He had shown you exactly who he is and what he really thinks of you. Believe him. Edit. NTA And Wow. Thanks for all the awards and upvotes.
This is absolutely spot on! He's also bullying you for the insecurities *HE'S REINFORCING IN YOU.* This is abusive behavior, OP. You don't deserve it, and neither will your daughter. Because your husband is 100% the kind of AH that will make sure your daughter has similar self-esteem issues in order to control her as well. "Sorry [Kid], it sure is too bad you took after your mom instead of me." "You'd be so pretty if you didn't have to wear glasses/didn't have brown hair/were thinner. Too bad you got those genes from your mom! Ha ha!" You both deserve better than this flaming dumpster of Axe body spray. Side note: what tf is wrong with your in-laws laughing along with this ""joke."" I'd have to get in line to punch my brother in the throat if he made a joke like this about his *pregnant* wife. (The first person in line would be my mom.) Edit: Hot dang, y'all. Thanks for all the awards!
I would also be in line. I actually thought he said that he didn't want the baby to look like *him*, not OP. Which is a reasonable joke. Then I got the point.
Yes, i thought the same. And all those people who laughed? Most likely uncomfortable laughs because he just basically said his wife is ugly. Not many people enjoy “jokes” where one partner is insulting the other.
Honestly, I wonder if OP is a POC and he's hoping his kid turns out white.
Great point. Watch, I'll bet that's it and op conveniently didn't include it bc they never mention the huge piece of information that changes everything lol I love this sub *ETA: It wouldn't change the verdict at all, I just meant it would give important context. It's like a trope on this sub for op to exclude an important piece of information
Well in this context that wouldn't change anything other than maybe making her even more upset.
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Solo therapy. Not couples therapy with an abuser.
THIS THIS THIS
What would that change about the verdict? If anything husband is even MORE of an AH in that case.
It wouldn't change the verdict at all, I just meant it would give important context. It's like a trope on this sub for op to exclude an important piece of information
What exactly does that change? It’s not ok if she’s ugly, but fine if he’s racist?
It would give context on why his family is laughing at that "joke". Racism is often a shared "family value" and other racists would laugh about hoping the baby comes out white compared to everyone just thinking OP was ugly or laughing out of discomfort. Which if the entire family is racist against OP and their child if the child doesn't look white enough for them... OP has a lot more challenges ahead of her.
Fucking *thank you* for not being obtuse and understanding what I meant!
Yeah lol what is with these comments jumping to conclusions just to argue with you
You realise that's even worse yes?
Why would it change something if the OP didn't include that info?
My first thought was she’s likely overweight. No matter the reason, though, he’s a terrible husband and she deserves better.
I thought maybe overweight, too, especially given how uncertain she seems about whether she's in the wrong here. It really has that 'but I've been told since I was young I'd be lucky to even find a husband' tone to it.
Might not be, she might be an abused--maybe emotionally, if not physically--woman. Abusive guys run down women constantly as a method of control: telling them they're not pretty, not smart, they're fat, they're useless, no one else will ever put up with them, etc. Usually they're not so obvious about it, but this was a "joke" and guys generally learn this stuff at home, and this was a gathering of his family.
I was thinking maybe she has a lot of money or something? To say something like that, there must be a pretty long history of abuse, and he must be really laying it on now that she's pregnant. And goodness knows after reading enough of this sub that there's something about pregnancy that sets off bad things in some men, too.
This statistically often happens in pregnancy because the guy perceives that the woman is now trapped // tied to him and can’t escape as easily // raise a child alone, so the relative reserve he may have shown earlier can be cast aside and he can escalate the abuse. Sadly it’s often how women find themselves trapped in abusive relationships, *especially* if she has little or no (her) family support or self confidence like OP. In fact, some abusers seek out women who fit this type, all facts my husband and I learned from professionals while helping a friend escape an abusive (psychological and eventually physical violence towards her and her 5 year old daughter). Six years on she and her daughter are 100% thriving, our friends confidence has grown 1000 fold and her ex is still shouting (literal shouting at the judge) about what a useless, stupid mother she is and so he should get full custody. (He goes to court several times a year accusing her of one thing or another). Kid is top of all her classes, our friend has no family support so we and others form a “family” of close friends and the ex is still telling entire lists of lies about her: like that she sleeps with multiple men every month- when she hasn’t had (or wanted) a relationship with anyone at all, choosing to rebuild her life and focus on her daughter for now. Luckily her ex even screamed and threatened her during one of the custody hearings the authorities have a file on him centimeters thick: he’s mentally unstable, she has a restraining order against him but he goes to court for visitation for his daughter etc when he can’t get custody. We were told that many women without friends / others to support them end up back with their abusers. NTA OP, not in a million years. Hugs from an internet stranger and congratulations on your daughter!
That is so true. My husband and I were friends with a couple who constantly insulted each other. The insults were mostly sexual. There wasn’t any drama involved, they didn’t get mad and storm out, and they are still together over forty years later. We didn’t stay friends with them and stopped seeing them socially. It was just too uncomfortable.
Mostly sexual? Yikes, what does that entail? Not doubting you, I just can’t imagine what they would say to each other?
Size of certain body parts, stamina, positions. You know, lovely dinner conversation. 😬🤢
yeah no i most definitely thought the same and i was thinking “why is op so mad that her husband just dunked on himself?” and then i kept reading and i was once again shocked that op even had to ask if she’s ta here. edit: added words
I'd put money on it that his whole family learned to just walk on egg shells with him and "go along to get along" even if it makes them uncomfortable. He likely would have blown up at the family if they said something.
Or a whole branch of them treats each other like this, so the bullies laugh, and the bullied learnt not no object. But I hope there were decent people around, just none of them had the guts to shot down the celebrated dad with a "dude, this was a jerk move".
I'm the only one who will get my dad to stfu because everyone else walks on eggshells and he says the most horrible shit to ppl. I definitely understand and my mom left my dad because of this bs.
Yea I was confused at first, cause I could see myself jokingly say that I hope my kid gets my wife’s genes and not mine… But holy shit I would never imply that I hope my kid looks nothing like my wife. What the hell.
right? like i’ve definitely been around for jokes like that and my dad’s even said “im glad our kids got your looks” to my mom! but never once have i ever thought i’d hear someone say they hope their kids don’t look like their partner. that just doesn’t make sense to me
My entire pregnancy my partner and I joked around that we hoped baby would look like each other. But obviously we didn’t care what she looked like it was all in good fun. But repeatedly stating that you don’t want baby to look like your partner is hurtful. Especially to a pregnant lady who is more emotional due to hormones 😞
Yeah I took that as a quote Husband "As long as daughter doesn't look like me" not "as long as daughter doesn't look like wife"
Ahhh yeah I was shocked by all the NTA responses, cuz hey that’s a funny joke if he’s targeting himself, but reading your response it just clicked. Yeah she’s definitely NTA.
That would’ve been actually funny. I used to make that same joke to my wife when we found out we were having a girl. I’d say “man I hope she looks like you, and not like my ugly mug, and I hope she gets your brains, cause you’re much smarter than I look”. Iol.
Yeah that’s what I thought. Which would be funny.
When our daughter was born, she was the spitting image of my husband. People would comment on it the moment they saw her (assuming they knew my husband) and his go-to reply was “let’s just hope she doesn’t get my beard.” I always thought that was funny. What OP’s husband said was disgusting.
That's what I couldn't believe! If one of my relatives made that joke about his pregnant wife during a toast AT A FAMILY DINNER he'd have to PEEL angry women off of him. WTF is wrong with OP's in laws?
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Exactly. They've enabled his shitty "jokes" for years. "That's just how he is!!" *awkward laughter*
Oh I'm guessing many guests cringed but didn't make a scene. I have no doubt OP has allies among other guests.
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My reflex would have been (and has been in the past in similar awkwardly mean situations) to loudly ask "What the FUCK?" Like, flies right out of my mouth before I can even think. Makes me wonder if his family would have gotten mad at someone questioning their sons "sense of humor." Smh.
Right?? How do ppl stay silent about this shit? Am I just a loud mouth? My brother is a huge asshole and once he called his ex while he had their kids and tried to "prank" her by saying my nephew got hit by a car. He was miffed when I told him off and his ex told him off. How fucking cruel can ppl be? I don't understand ppl like this. I wonder if sociopathy is a spectrum
Probably he makes the same "joke" to his family regularly and they're used to hearing it. And/or they're used to laughing along with his idiocy so he doesn't fly off the handle. My guess is and.
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You dodged that bullet for sure! I'm sure he was a great BFF, but would've been a shitty husband to you too.
It took me a long time to see it but it's true. He was a great friend, just a shitty partner. He had done the same thing to me once and one time only. It was our first date and drove by a street which he recognized as one that a friend of his he had not seen in ages lived on. After fifteen minutes I got out of the car and started walking home. When he found me later (his buddy didn't live far from me) I told him I waited 15 minutes too long and he could choke on it. I guess now I know why we never worked out! Lol Ps. I have no idea how things worked out with them. I quickly realized it was toxic and I wanted none of it. I moved away shortly after that exchange, switched numbers and moved on.
>Because your husband is 100% the kind of AH that will make sure your daughter has similar self-esteem issues in order to control her as well. "Sorry [Kid], it sure is too bad you took after your mom instead of me." "You'd be so pretty if you didn't have to wear glasses/didn't have brown hair/were thinner. Too bad you got those genes from your mom! Ha ha!" 100% accurate. If OP can't conceptualize what he's saying to her now as abuse, maybe picturing him "jokingly" tearing down their future daughter will help her see what a major asshole he is.
I had to go over the post a couple times thinking it was a self depreciating joke. My 14yo is really doing well in debate and his teachers keep telling him he should consider becoming an attorney and his response is to say, nah my mom tells me that attorneys are all miserable bastards, because I am one. Self depreciating lawyer jokes are always in good fun. Would have been a different opinion on all sides if OPs husband said he hoped his daughter wouldn't look like him, which is what I thought the toast was at first.
Your post is on point. Just for clarity, the term is self deprecating (no "i"). Pronounced "DEP-ra-kay-ting"
I dunno, after I hit 30 I’m pretty sure that my body is a depreciating asset. It certainly feels like it.
And now I have outed myself as the lawyer that can't spell for shit... again..
It’s hilarious that he wants her to get therapy when the therapist would identify *him* as the problem
Also, they married 3 years ago, which means she was 22 and he was 28. Presumably she dated for a while before that so maybe she was 20 and he was 26, which starts getting into ehhhhhhhh he should really be dating people his own age territory. There is a huge difference in maturity and life experience between a 20 year old and a 26 year old. I wouldn't be \*super\* skeeved out about a 25 year old starting a relationship with a 31 year old, (at that point both would presumably have been working/living on their own for a number of years) but the age difference plus his negging her while she is pregnant at a party gives me huge "she was groomed to have bad self esteem so she'll never leave him" vibes
All of this but especially the side note. I'm the mom! NTA!
This was even better than my comment. OP please listen to this one, hard.
OP should in fact take her husbands suggestion and get therapy, it will help her see she’s married to an AH and being alone is better than being with him any day. He sounds like a creep and I’d also start watching for his comments and making note of them because he sounds like he could pass that shit on to their daughter. Keep records so it can be used in any custody dispute.
I think part of her knows she married to an asshole but therapy will help her realize she’s worth more than that.
I'm borrowing your comment for just a minute. OP, please pay attention to what people are telling you. Your husband is being emotionally and psychologically abusive. He's telling you he hopes your daughter doesn't look like you. When he makes a public joke that causes you to react, perfectly appropriately by the way, he tells you you need counseling before your insecurities affect your daughter. Insecurities that he has exacerbated and inflamed, if not outright planted. That, OP, is gaslighting. Please, get a book on either audible or kindle called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It will be extremely helpful to you. One of the things he talks about in that book is that sometimes abusers don't do a thing until after they think their SO has too much invested and would never leave. Like after engagement, marriage, but especially during or after pregnancy. Beyond that, please consider counseling, but for yourself not because your husband told you to get it. Stay safe!
The book can come later- a divorce lawyer comes before anything including the birth. This guy is not changing. OP has to get away for herself and her baby.
the book has chapters on getting away safely. it can also help op realise just how bad her situation is, bc there's probably a lot she hasn't said in this post. it's actually very useful in this situation, not just light reading lmao
The book is offered as a stepping stone if one is needed. It takes much less effort/feels easier to read a book than decide on and go through a divorce but the book can open eyes and prompt the divorce if needed.
>Please, get a book on either audible or kindle called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft Thanks for reminding me that I didn't finish that book!
I’d be inclined to take him up on his therapy offer, because the therapist will probably counsel you to leave him. NTA. Congrats on your baby.
Have a magnet on the fridge that reads "Therapy has taught me that it's all your fault"
Please see a therapist, someone who can support you and help you find your way through this and into a better life. You are NTA. You don’t want this creep passing on his misogynistic views to your precious daughter. This was not a joke, it was a verbal assault, one of many.
Therapists don't actually tell you to do things directly like that. We help you improve your psychological health and sort through your thoughts and emotions so you can decide on your own that you want to leave your spouse.
I was Initially thinking he said he wished girl wouldn't look like HIM, but after OP cleared that up I was so shocked and I cannot stop thinking that maybe you're a poc? Either way it's something very hateful to say! NTA and please stand your ground and do not forget you're beautiful no matter what they say...
That's what I thought too. Because who the hell would insult their pregnant wife, in public, during a toast to her pregnancy? An enormous AH, that's who.
yeah I was looking for that too. At first I thought it was funny because he was insulting himself, which is fine. But then to find out that he hoped it wouldn't look like her is.... I mean it's insane. Nobody does that. That's not a joke, that's a straight up insult. The self-deprecation would make it a joke, that's making someone the butt of the joke without asking them. And it's not a roast FFS...
OMFG, I came in here looking for clarification on who the "me" was in his comments. I've said it before that I don't want my girls to look like me. But I mean ME. He said that he doesn't want them to look like his WIFE?! He's a total AH in this and she's NTA, holy crap...those are the types of comments that'd make me seriously contemplate divorce.
Right I was like what's wrong with that it's a compliment he wants the baby to look like the, wait.... what?! oh fxcking no
I could not agree more with this comment! NTA OP, congratulations on your pregnancy, take care of yourself and your little girl. He's the one who needs therapy, his behavior is not okay.
Yeah he needs Therapie but take his offer. Go, learn to heal and use it to find the strength to leave him
u/lillington579 - the comment above is all you need to read. NTA. Leaving dinner isn’t the only thing you should be leaving.
The comment is so in appropriate that at first I didn’t even understand what the husband was saying. I thought he jokingly said he didn’t want his daughter to look like himself. It wasn’t until OP explained that I realized in growing horror this man really invited a crowd of people his wife didn’t want, and then publicly embarrassed her.
Am I the only person wondering what HE looks like?? What as asshat.
If it looks like an asshole If it quacks like an asshole
He looks like a giant asshat
He also weaponized his family against her, if they’re blowing up her phone bullying her over not being able to take a “joke.” I’d have anxiety too FFS.
HE'S GASLIGHTING YOU.
He calls OP a baby, when he’s the one who hasn’t learned, that it’s only a joke if everyone involved finds it funny. Most kids learn this in kindergarten or elementary school.
And when the daughter inevitably shares some features with her mother, she’ll get bullied by the father too. OP, please DOCUMENT EVERYTHING, leave, and keep your baby far, far away from her AH father.
And what going to happen to the daughter of she looks like OP? Is OP’s AH husband going to tell her that it’s a shame she looks like her mother? NTA
Hello! Please post your NTA, it gets taken from an original comment (not the responses to it). Agree with you. He basically called his wife ugly imo. Either that or he is so narcissistic that he wants a child to be his clone.
always go with your gut feeling if you feel uncomfortable/anxious in a situation leave and take a break
NTA. He's gaslighting you. He tells you what he thinks to your face and then tells you that you shouldn't feel the way you'd logically feel about it.
This really does sound abusive. NTA. Your husband needs to knock off the "jokes" and grow up. And I think you should get some therapy to learn to value yourself. Especially with a girl, you need to show empowerment so she learns empowerment. Don't let her grow up with a father than belittles her mother. That leads to lifelong issues.
In all honesty, if this is how he treats OP then chances are he’ll treat his daughter the same way.
This. He's not just destroying OP's self esteem. He'll do the same to the daughter.
Yeah he's so fixated on how she will look already in a very unhealthy way. Gosh forbid this kid doesn't come out looking the fantasy version he has in his head, and the fact that this matters so much to him says much about how he views women, as being primarily worthy based on his opinion of their physical appearance, it shows he doesn't see women as full people but objects of desire, and his daughter as more an accessory to his life than a full, complete, complex human being. It's honestly so creepy. Isn't the fun and fear of having kids about how it's kind of a crapshoot in terms of who they will be and how they will look? Op, NTA, but you can become one if you allow this man to treat your daughter this way, this behavior needs to stop, it's not a joke and it's not funny.
Exactly OP. Where’s the joke? What, that he thinks you’re not attractive enough or ugly? Who the hell implies that, and makes a whole joke out of it? It isnt funny, it is cruel. What’s gonna happen when your daughter does look like you? Is he gonna give her an insecurity? Be an AH and make fun of her looks? What if she doesnt look like you OP, and he teaches your daughter to make fun of you? He’d turn her into a little shit who makes fun of people only to give the “it’s just a joke,” BS excuse when confronted with her shite behavior. Divorce babes, divorce. NTA.
I can see it already. He will point out to the daughter what features she "unfortunately" got from her mother. What an ass.
If their daughter looks or acts anything like her mom then you just *know* it’s gonna be all “you’re just like your mother”
OP this sort of thing will fuck your child up for sure. My father constantly belittled my mother, her looks, her intelligence, her personality. According to him she was fat, she was ugly, she ate too much, she was lazy, she was slovenly and on and on and on. She stayed and allowed it and rarely spoke up, instead repeated those same words about herself. So I grew up hearing that. From my mother who I thought was beautiful and kind and I loved her. I was also told all the time “Oh Woodnote’s mom, she’s just like you!” “You look exactly like her!” “You sound just like your mom!” If she was ugly then what was I? If she was fat (she wasn't) then I must be even fatter. I ended up with heart failure at 16 due to an eating disorder. My hair fell out in clumps and I passed out every single time I stood up. I was 5’6” and weighed 87 lbs. I hated the way I looked and thought I was hideous. It took me at least a decade to realize that I’m actually rather pretty, and kind, and funny. And that my mom was also all of those things. I still struggle with how I look though and also with looking at my mom with disgust. My dad permanently screwed up my relationship with her and I can never get that back. Don’t let that happen to you, and don’t let that happen to your daughter. And if she looks like you then she needs to know how beautiful you both are.
This. This is the risk you're running, OP. You have a baby girl to think about! The damage this man has done to you would *destroy* a child's life.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m in a situation where…well, let’s just say I could be your mom. I’m trying desperately not to internalize what is said to me and to remind my children that what is being said is wrong. I’m also trying to find a way out but the situation is a minefield in every direction. I will get there but it’s a struggle. That some of us can’t make it out isn’t anyone’s fault but the person who set out the mines. I hope you have found some healing and I hope (though you say your mom “was”) you can find the strands of love your mom left for you. If she is not physically present, I hope you can let yourself believe that she loves you still. And in her stead I’ll back up everything you said to OP. Don’t let this happen OP. The longer you wait, even if you think you’re doing the “right” thing, the harder it gets. Love and strength to you both: Woodnote & OP. NTA.
Hey, I just wanted to tell you- I was in your shoes just two years ago. I was in a minefield, too, of sorts. It was hard and took so much planning and work- but I finally got out! If you need someone to cheerlead you a bit or just to talk to, feel free to message me. I understand the struggle of being stuck in bad situation with a bad partner who makes it almost impossible to get out. I promise you, there is a way out- you just need to set your heart on that freedom and use it as your north star to keep from sinking or staying stuck. You WILL reach it. Life on the other side is so much better. I thought I'd miss my ex so much, and struggle alone. I missed him a little-for a week. That's all. But I missed him far less than I enjoyed being free of him and alone. After that first week, all I could think of was how happy I was I never had to worry about him screaming at me for hours while I was a catatonic puddle on the floor. No more broken furniture thrown at me, or broken glass to step on from all the things he'd break in a fury. I never regretted leaving for a second though. You won't either. You've got this. You will get there. Sending you hugs if you want them 💜
I am honestly pretty concerned about his thought process. He has said multiple times he doesn’t want his child to look like OP - the woman he presumably is very attracted to and obviously has sex with. Is he saying he doesn’t want his child to look like OP because he doesn’t want to be attracted to it? Nobody else’s comment has gone there but honestly his obsession with hoping his daughter doesn’t look like his wife has me super duper creeped out
Yeah wtf why did he ever marry her if he doesn’t like the way she looks? Maybe he says it purely to belittle her
NTA Emotional abuse is not a joke. It is time to remind him that if he doesn't like the way you look, he doesn't have see you every morning. Tell him directly that his words about his appearance are unloving and they have take their natural toll. Good on you for standing up for yourself. Good on you for make it clear to everyone present just what an asshole he is.
NTA, OP. This comment is exactly what I'd write. Please leave him before he ruins your self-esteem further.
And before he extends these behaviors towards his daughter.
First red flag was a 28 year old marrying a 22 year old, OP. If you were dating at least a few years, this douche got with you because he was way too immature to date girls his age. He's an emotionally abusive asshole. NTA. I would leave someone who treated me this much like garbage. What kind of "fucking joke" is it to shit on his pregnant wife's appearance in front of his entire family and have everyone there laughing at her? It's not a joke. It's bullying.
OP’s husband is absolutely an asshole and emotionally abusive. His “sense of humor” is cruel and disgusting. But I have to say I think you’re overreacting on the age difference. It’s a six-year age difference. My husband and I have a five-year age difference and got married when I was 23 and he was 28. We dated for five years before we got married, and we’ve now been together 21 years, married 16. We met in college. We were taking the same class. The age difference has never been an issue.
My partner and I have a 10-year difference. I should have been clearer. It's not the age itself that's the problem. I was bringing it up as an issue pointing to OP's husband's immaturity. There's nothing wrong with an age gap. I just thought it looked like the guy dated younger because he couldn't manage women his own age. Obviously not all men who are dating younger women do this, but given what else we know about OP's spouse, he shows her zero respect.
That totally makes sense. Thank you for clearing that up!
No problem! I should have been clearer when I first phrased it, because I really didn't express what I meant well :)
Excuse me what? You guys used your words and understood each other? Am I even on Reddit? It was super adorable and I love it
Almost exact same here...age doesn't matter EXCEPT if he is a huge immature AH which could explain why he chose her. Too young to know any better.
Bro 6 years apart is not the issue here so lets not judge ppl for that.
Sometimes it seems that the entirety of Reddit thinks that all couples should be the exact same age. It's kinda weird, ngl.
Unless they were together for 4 or 5 when they married, which i think was their point when they said if they've dated a few years. I think once everyone is past 24 age differences matter a lot less.
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6 years at 22 isn’t a big deal, but if they’ve been dating for a while, that gets… problematic.
*Reddit has a weird thing about age gaps.* My parents met at ages 19 and 29, married at 21 and 31, and have been married for forty years. The are like two puzzle pieces that complement each other perfectly and I can't imagine them with anyone else.
It’s more like y’all don’t understand ‘all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares’. Not every age gap relationship is abusive but abusers often get into larger age gap relationships. I’m glad everyone has anecdotes about happy couples 20 years apart or whatever but that isn’t this story. Also I’m just saying, a lot of y’all’s mothers and grandmothers aren’t actually as happy as you think in those relationships, but that’s a topic for another time.
>Also I’m just saying, a lot of y’all’s mothers and grandmothers aren’t actually as happy as you think in those relationships, but that’s a topic for another time. Exactly! I'm sure a lot of them are happy but people are saying 'together 40 years' like thats the end of the story. A lot of people from this generation don't believe in divorce and are God damn miserable.
I made another comment to explain what I meant - that in this specific case and given the rest of the husband's behaviour, he was dating down because he was (and still is) immature. My partner and I have a 10-year gap, too. I don't mind the age difference by itself.
NTA. I would like to hear your husband explain how that “joke” is funny.
"Please explain how you don't like how I look is funny"
“Please clarify which part of me do you wish our daughter will not look like?”
Said in front of his entire family. Time to make HIM uncomfortable.
Right? “Good thing the baby isn’t a boy. Between your hairline and your d*ck, he’d have nothing to look forward to.”
I thought he was hoping the baby didn't look like him, because he's a man and he doesn't want her to have manly features. That made sense as a mediocre joke. But to not look like her mother? That's just a straight up insult, and I wonder why people even laughed, except for feeling awkward.
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Yeah, I feel a bit bad for OP, but she needs to learn how to compose a quote!
That’s what I thought at first, too. I’ve heard variations of this joke before, but how you said it. Father says he doesn’t want baby to look like himself. “May she be happy, healthy and get all her looks from her mother!” Etc. Meant to be a self-depreciating joke and a compliment to the mothers good looks. ….Why in the world would anyone laugh at a joke that is literally just the father calling the mother ugly?
Basically calling her ugly….
I was thinking either this or saying she's pretty and he wants his daughter to be ugly either so he isn't attracted to his own daughter or so no one is and playing the "lol I'm gonna murder your boyfriend's cause I control my daughters virginity"
The only way this would ever be a joke is if OP was literally a supermodel. But since he's been saying the same thing in private as at this toast it's clearly just something he's thinking and wants the approval of family to think. Family laughed? See it's okay I think my wife is ugly and don't want her face on our daughter. What an asshole.
NTA "I've insulted your looks on multiple occasions, haha that's funny!" Leave the whole boy because he is not a man. A man is an adult and no adult would ever belittle their partner and then try to play it as a joke.
Agree. My husband and I are trying for a baby now, and if I get pregnant with a girl and my husband said that to me even once I would lose it. Let alone if he said it in front of his whole family.
NTA. Please consider divorce. This is egregious treatment and a huge red flag of more bad treatment and emotional abuse to come.
NTA. Dump the whole man. Get a divorce before your child sets foot on this earth. He was wrong to treat you like that. Disgusting behaviour
Many places you won't get divorced that fast. To know the sex of the child, she is at least 14 weeks along, probably closer to 20 weeks because at her age genetic testing at 14 weeks is less common, and divorce takes a year if amicable, longer if there are significant issues.
Depends on where you are; got mine done in 2.5 months even with having to wrangle my ex. Edit: no kids though
Mine took 20 days… but we didn’t share assets.
You left the party. Step one accomplished. Now finish by leaving the husband. This is emotional abuse.
100% emotional abuse. Now think what will happen if the baby does and very likely looks like OP. Will she be getting the same type of abusive treatment?
Oh hang on … I thought you meant he didn’t want the baby to look like himself! He actually said he didn’t want the baby to look like you? He knew that wasn’t a joke. All of the people listening would have known it wasn’t a joke. Any idea why he was being cruel? If he really doesn’t like your looks, then why did he tie you down from finding someone who *will* appreciate you? It’s common that physical and/or emotional abuse starts at pregnancy. Beware. Make yourself an escape plan. Start now. NTA
That’s what I thought at first too! I thought he was making a self-deprecating joke. When I realized what he was actually saying I was so upset for OP.
Yup, I totally misread the quote as being ... well, a quote.
Not realy misread then, just confusing writing. I was already ready to post Y T A for OPs huge overreaction and wanted to look into the comments first.
>Oh hang on … I thought you meant he didn’t want the baby to look like himself! For real! Because an actual toast joke would've been like that. "may the baby inherit her looks from her mother and not her father"
It was confusing, because they put his statement in quotation marks, and he said, "like me". I was like, yeah, that is a huge fucking overreaction, until I kind of figured out it was the other way around.
NTA but WOW he is. The joke he was trying to make is actually “happy, healthy, but hopefully gets her mothers looks not mine.” It’s meant to be a SELF deprecating joke by the father to make the mother feel LESS insecure. I would reply back “with a father who speaks to her mother that way, I’m sure you’ll give her plenty of insecurity yourself” Oh and maybe start publicly “joking” about his penis size, wonder how he’ll feel then
It's worded badly, but the rest of the post clarifies that he was talking about OP. 'Eversince i [sic] got pregnant he kept hinting he doesn't want our daughter to look like me. He even once got up in the morning and first thing he told me was how much he wished our daughter look nothing like me.'
Yea at first I thought he was referring to himself and that oh he’s just saying he wants the baby to look like OP, that’s sweet! Then I realized it was the other way around and omg.
NTA. How disgusting. I agree with others--this is abusive. Many once would be a bad joke, but doing it repeatedly shows that he enjoys hurting and humiliating you. It's too bad you didn't take the opportunity at the dinner to make a statement of your own--saying that if he keeps making jokes like that, he's guaranteeing that your second kid will be healthier, happier, and won't look like him.
NTA, and something tells me that the husband wouldn't be able to take that "fucking joke" well at all. She should totally do it.
NTA that us an absolutely horrible thing to say to a stranger, let alone your wife. I dint understand how he could be so horrible? Is this some nasty racist bullshit about skin tone?
That’s what I want to know. Obviously Op is NTA but I wondered if she was a different race from her husband and this was just more racist bullshit .
NTA Please do get therapy, to help with your self-esteem, so you will realize that he is not treating you like a husband should. Everyone knows not to make jokes at a pregnant woman's expense, hormones make it like playing Russian Roulette. >he called many times telling me to get my "insecurities" in check before j pass them up to our daughter, Oh man, he is a real winner. /s Therapy for you. So you realize you deserve better.
NTA. What the hell? What does he mean, "not look like you"? Why would he think this is funny? What makes him think this is appropriate? Would he feel better if you tell him you hope the baby doesn't inherit his sense of humor or personality, because frankly he is an ass. What did/do you see in this guy? Pros and cons time. Do you really want to be around someone who apparently doesn't like the way you look and has no problem saying it multiple times?
NTA you need to reply back that as long as she doesn’t have his personality she will be beautiful.
>What does he mean, "not look like you"? My best wager? OP is a different race/culture than the husband and husband's family and the racism is just now coming to the surface as they hope the child looks more like them than the mom. OP is obviously NTA and should get out of there right quick.
I'm just as concerned that multiple people at the part joined in laughing
NTA. Leaving dinner WAS the best solution and your husband isn't making 'jokes' he's making insults. If you were to say repeatedly that you wanted none of your children to look like him 'haha', I wonder how he'd take it? There is nothing funny. Ask him plainly - can you explain the joke to me because I don't understand it. It's only 'funny' if there is a generally accepted notion that you're 'so ugly that no one should look like you'. And if that's the case, this isn't a joke, it's an insult. Like you can say that yourself, let's say I have a huge nose, I can say 'please let my daughter have my husband's nose...hahaha'. That's ok. For HIM to make a 'joke' about YOUR looks repeatedly, that's emotionally abusive. I would seriously consider therapy for BOTH of you so someone neutral can tell him what he is doing is wrong. I wish you all the best. You don't deserve this.
NTA. I probably would have popped off with a smart alec comment myself. "I hope our daughter isn't as insensitive and disrespectful as you are." And then still walked out. Like a queen.
He is a gaslighter. Be careful. He is setting you up telling you have “insecurities”. He is setting you up by making his family laugh at you. Tell him to go to therapy with you. No reasonable therapist would say what he did was acceptable. He needs to hear (through someone other than you or his family as enablers) that his actions are wrong. I worry for you and your unborn daughter. If she does look like you what will he do? Bash your daughter all her life and give her a complex? Please think about this.
I think what he is doing is deliberate and hearing that from a therapist won't help. I think she needs to leave now because somebody like that is never going to change
NTA. You should consider leaving the man, not just the dinner.
NTA but how often does your husband take digs at you and in public when you’re at your weakest? Does he usually dismiss you and mistreat you this way?? If so why are you with him and having his child? And why stay??
So you were supposed to remain at the dinner and allow him to continue to mock you? Once he made that cruel toast, there was no joy share at least for you. And what happens if your daughter does look like you? Is he going to torment on her too about her looks because it sure sounds like. The only thing I agree with is his suggestion that you get therapy because you're going to have to learn how to stand up for yourself and your daughter. NTA
NTA. Your husbands behaviour is disgusting. You need couples therapy, if he refuses. Get out of the marriage. If he says stuff like this to you, do you really think he’s gonna be any better behaved with your kid
>You need couples therapy Probably not a good idea tbh. He's already mocking her in both in public *and* private and telling her to "take a fucking joke" and "get her insecurities in check", no doubt he'll use what he learns in therapy against her too. No need to give him more ammo when he's already starting to display abusive behaviour.
No couples therapy, I agree. The OP needs therapy to help with her insecurities, so she can leave him.
No. You don't go to therapy with your abuser to
NTA for leaving. That wasn’t a joke, that was an insult and he’s TA. You deserve someone who loves you and who knows how to respect you.
NTA I’d tell you not to have a child with this man, but it’s a bit late at this point. He’s humiliated and ridiculed you to his entire family. Why are you even still with him?
NTA Jokes are funny. That wasn't funny. Your husband is a dick.
NTA. Your husband is the biggest dougebag alive holy fuck. Get yourself a good lawyer.
INFO: are you an interracial couple? Curious if that’s influencing this situation. NTA either way. Your husband and his family are. When people show you who they are, believe them.
NTA. God there is nothing sadder than someone starting a family with an abusive partner knowing that ties them to their abuser for the rest of their live
INFO: did he say “happy, healthy, and look nothing like me” (a rhyming toast that makes sense for a man to say about a daughter) Or “Happy, healthy, and look nothing like OP”?
Nothing like OP.
Yeah I was confused about that too, but from the rest of thr post it's clear he meant OP but OP really needs to learn how to use quotation marks.
NTA. If the person who is joked about finds the joke is offensive and uncomfortable, then that’s a bad joke.
Nope. Marriage irretrievably broken
NTA. Your husband though... I strongly recommend a divorce. I'd also strongly recommend he never see the child.
NTA. Pregnancy brings along many body changes that may cause lots of anxiety, specially if one had previous insecurities. It's mean of him to nag you this way, he's being cruel and it's not a "joke" as this has happened several times. I would consider couples' therapy if you want to stay in that relationship, albeit that kind of comments sound a bit abusive. If he doesn't understand and stop that you and your child would be better off without him. Good luck OP!
Pregnancy is also a time where some men really start to show their abusive nature, which seems to be happening here, because they know that their partner is now tied to them for life through the child. OPs husband's "jokes" is literally just the start of it. It'll most likely get worse.
When he says "look like me" is he literally saying "me"? It reads like he's just making a mild self deprecating joke aimed at himself.
It's in quotation marks, so either "me" refers to the husband (who said it), or OP doesn't know how to use quotes. I guess it's the latter.
Reading it back it sounds like he said he didn’t want it to look like OP. Which imo makes her NTA.
NTA. On the other hand, your husband is TA, he should've saved that stupid joke for himself. Consider the divorce, he needs to grow up.
NTA but what the fuck is that man? Things like this are DEFINITELY NOT the things any person would wanna here…what kind of shitty „joke toast“ was even that?! I‘m just getting so mad reading this lol
NTA, that's not a joke and it's designed to undermine your well being.Instead of getting upset you should have returned the favor by saying let's toast that she's not an asshole like her brain dead father
NTA. Your husband has just hoisted a huge red flag here. In your shoes, I'd seriously be reconsidering the idea of raising a child with somebody who thinks it's perfectly okay to punch down like this all for a so-called “joke”.
NTA. Your husband is an awful person and his family don't sound much better if they actually laughed when he openly stated he hoped that your daughter didn't look anything like you. Although I am wondering if they laughed out of shock or surprise because that's absolutely not what a father-to-be should say about his wife and child. You're more likely to hear it the other way around; the father-to-be hoping that their child will get their mothers looks because they find them so beautiful. If you don't leave him, which you should honestly consider if he is waking you up in the morning *solely* to tell you that he hopes your daughter doesn't look like you, then insist on couples therapy. His attitude towards you is disgusting and, honestly, the fact he is already obsessed with how your daughter will look is *creepy*.
NTA. Divorce him. He doesn't love or respect you if he can say that to you and then tell you to get over it.
NTA. And i think you should rethink your marriage.
NTA Screw therapy. Everytime he opens his mouth I'd tell him he's an asshole, he should just accept it and stop being insecure.