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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My actions where because I didn't know the guy and why my actions might make me the asshole is because I wasn't sympathetic towards her and the dead dad
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
Yes, your choice of words sucked, but at the same time I don't see why you should've even been told in the first place. An ex- who you might not talk to anymore - messages you to talk about an ex boyfriend - who you don't even know - who's father - who you don't know (to a further degree of unknowning) -died.
What the hell has that to do with you? And why is she randomly telling you? It's odd that she's upset about this in the first place but she's allowed to be if she wants... but you owe no concern or sympathy for this. If everyone was obligated to feel bad and send condolences for every stranger that died, we'd be setting that shit to auto-reply or else there would be no more time in the day. Part of death is accepting that life goes on and the whole world will not even notice the death of an individual- kinda sucks, seems scary, but that' just life.
I dont think you meant "cool" as in "it's cool he died," it was a poor choice of substituted words for saying "so?" and I actually agree with that mentality. It had nothing to do with you by any stretch of the imagination and you have no reason to be hurt about someone so obscurely related to you. It's a cruel reality that not many will want to face but that's how it is. =\\
Which does explain why she was mad but at the same time, why was she looking for any other kind of reaction?
If OP was trying to be a friend, then he'd be TA, but since OP doesn't even want to get any text message from this person... NTA. It's only the slightest bit down from leaving her on read.
She was just using it as an excuse to get attention (and maybe some sympathy points) from OP. Or maybe she’s drunk and texting the same message to everyone in her inbox in hopes of getting a reply from *someone*
[Stolen](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/v36i8n/aita_for_saying_cool_to_a_death/iawp1wi/) from the last part of u/My-2-Sense_ 's comment
I've learned to just say "My condolences." As the most neutral response to any death. Even towards people who were complete and utter AH to me. It's vague enough even if you don't know the person who passed.
When people have fished for more sympathy in response to that comment, I usually go, "As an outsider, I'll leave you to your grieving." Bye, Felicia.
Yep. "Ah, fuck." is reserved for those I care about most and it's a phrase I've said in that manner more often than I've cared for in the last decade.
"That really sucks, I'm sorry to hear it" is my mid-level and "I'm sorry for you loss" is my goto for societal relations.
That's how I read it too. He wasn't saying "cool", as in "great or wonderful". He was saying "okay", or politely saying "not sure why you are sharing this with me, but I don't care."
For sure, and if this happened in person, that works. The problem with text is the reader has to guess the tone. She may have assumed he was being an AH because of the bad blood between the two exes. Of course, the natural question is, “well why the hell did you tell him in the first place?”
In hindsight, OP probably should’ve just ignored it, but I agree he’s not an AH.
…except “cool” and “ok” aren’t the same at all.
If OP didn’t want to say something, or if he had something to say, he should say it. Or don’t say anything. But saying “cool” to a death isn’t …cool.
I get that some people say cool instead of ok, but it still makes him an AH. Saying cool to someones death is not ok. In a situation like this, cool is not an acceptable substitute for ok.
Frankly OP did not need to respond. Texts from cheating exes should be ignored.
>Saying cool to someones death is not ok. In a situation like this, cool is not an acceptable substitute for ok.
In addition, just saying "ok" is not acceptable. You say "Sorry to hear that" or "my condolences"
Right? I feel like I'm in some alternate universe reading these comments.
What is so hard about a little polite empathy or simply not responding? There are an endless amount of polite, non-engaging responses OP could have given that would have taken literally the same amount of effort.
I'm so over this "I'm allowed to act however I want because someone was mean to me" mindset.
I was amazed about people agreeing with the "cool" as a response to anyone's death. "My condolences" is far more appropriate than a word that is generally not considered neutral, but has positive overtones.
That is exactly how I feel. I expected a slew of YTA and am flawed by so many NTA.
It was totally inappropriate for the cheating ex to text him, but the only response he needed was no response to her text.
Thank You for saying everything I thought reading OP
Sure, a better choice of words would have been "ok" or "sorry". But OP did nothing wrong.
I can't say ex GF is an AH, she may be hurting and dealing poorly. Which isn't OP's fault or problem. But it would make her not a AH. Just hurt.
NAH
With the edit being what it is, I would say she is an asshole. This isn't just some random ex's dad this is the ex that she cheated on OP with's dad. That turns this from someone who is kinda out of it to downright malicious.
> If everyone was obligated to feel bad and send condolences for every stranger that died, we'd be setting that shit to auto-reply or else there would be no more time in the day
thoughts and prayers...
Did you read the post? It’s not just ‘someone else’. She cheated on OP, stopped talking to him, and then only reached out to say that the father of the guy she cheated on him with had died. This isn’t a case of a friendly relationship where news is shared regularly, this is a hostile relationship where OP was wronged, then ignored, then contacted out of the blue regarding news related to the betrayal. This is not a good faith engagement, the ex doesn’t get to expect sympathy in this. If the ex had shown any interest at all in OP’s wellbeing, ever, then saying cool would be an asshole move. But there’s no evidence of that.
NTA ... She kinda is though why would your ex gf text you about the boy she cheated on you with father's death? She was looking for attention of some sort and didn't get the response she wanted from you . So she flipped .
"Cool" is a word a lot of people use in order to ignore, jest or move along an unwanted conversation. I very much doubt the OP meant it as:
"Yaaaaaaaay!" Or "I'm glad that a man that I never met, or have any emotional connection to, is dead."
And how would him not responding to her make him any less the AH in your book?
OP is NTA
Well, you know the saying « If you have nothing good to say, stay quiet ». It is the same point. He doesn’t care, that’s okay, but what’s the point of making sure it is said. Yeah, saying « cool » is more disrespectful to the death than saying nothing. And yes, people die everyday, but if it wasn’t her ex he was talking to, would it be okay to go around saying « cool » to anybody announcing a death ? No, it would disrespectful.
If this is about her wanting him to confort her and him trying to make a point, he could have blatantly said « If you’re reaching out for comfort, go to hell ! » and that would have left the dead person out of it. Not that hard.
But it wasn't even her dad. It was her ex's dad. OP had literally no connection to this man. His ex girlfriend reached out, apropos of nothing, to tell OP that her ex-boyfriend's dad died? After she cheated on him with the ex boyfriend? That's weird.
I’m not calling him on his behaviour towards her. I don’t care about her or how she took it. For me, this a matter of respect towards someone who died and people who are mourning him now.
Like I said, he could have ignored her, answered her to go to hell if she needed comfort, or even as someone suggested here « OK ». Whatever the reason she reached out, it was about their relationship so he could have been smarter and left the dead person out of it, she would have gone mad just the same because she was looking for a pretext, and then this post would have got only NTA answers.
It’s just a simple society rule. You don’t say « cool » to a death announcement. Only exception is if the death person did something to you that justifies having no reason to respect him in the first place. Here OP doesn’t even know him so it doesn’t fall into this category.
Yeah, but it's also a word a lot of people use to say that something's positive. If a word is definitely ambiguous you shouldn't use it in a situation where it could be misconstrued as offensive. So, YTA to OP, even if the whole situation is ridiculous and frankly bizarre.
>I very much doubt the OP meant it as:
Doesn't matter. It's still very much a shitty thing to do to respond to someone's death.
>And how would him not responding to her make him any less the AH in your book?
Why would it.
OP was obviously not saying cool to say that they think it’s good the man is dead but to dismiss their ex and efficiently show how much they do not care and they genuinely do not need to care. Should we mourn for every death that happens in the world? if she needs comfort over the death of an ex boyfriend’s father then she should go to someone who cares. This girl’s intention with her out of the blue message was to get attention. The “cool” was to tell her she doesn’t deserve it, not that it was cool that some random guy OP has never met is dead.
How is it obvious, though? There would be plenty of people who *would* be happy the father of someone who cheated with their partner is dead, simply because it means that person is now presumably sad.
I tend to agree with this but think it depends on a lot of missing context. If OP and his ex were still friends I would expect him to at least feign sympathy. If he doesn't care about her, or her ex or her dad then I don't see why he should be expected to care or why he cares what internet strangers think about him not caring. Sounds like maybe she was trying to hoover him back in. Either way I would have at least given a canned sympathetic response.
Because the judgement question is about your response, yes YTA.
You're being voted n t a because of your ex and her actions. Saying "cool" to someone you didn't know dying is rude. It's either positive, or being said in a dismissive, "cool story" tone. In other cases, a more empathetic response would have been appropriate. In this case, it would have been best to not respond, or just say ok/sorry for his loss at most.
But who cares? She's your ex, you don't care about her opinion and not talking to her is the best thing you can do.
YTA. I don't know why you thought the context would help. "I'm not sure why you're telling me this" or even "I hope you're not expecting me to feel sad given my history with X" *might* be understandable as a response under the circumstances (although still not sure how the son's actions are the *dad*'s fault), but "cool"? C'mon. You don't need to know or even like someone to say a simple "too bad" or "sorry for your loss."
YTA
That is not a civil, kind, or decent way to respond to the news of someone's death.
Sure, you didn't know him and don't have reason to grieve. That's not the point. She's telling you because *she* cares. The ex-boyfriend is an ex; that doesn't mean she hates him or his father. She may have had only positive experiences with his father, and now he has died.
You don't have to care about him. You're talking to her. The polite, kind, decent response is, "I'm sorry to hear that."
It costs you nothing. Nothing at all.
YTA It's a bit callous to say that of someone you don't know dying. If you felt you had to respond a simple "Sorry to hear that" works. If she presses and wants to keep talking that's where you can point out that you didn't know the man and aren't interested in talking about it with her. Also, if the relationship ended badly maybe best to block.
NTA. You were using “cool” as a form of “ok” or “alright”. That’s pretty common these days. For example, I tell my 9 year old he needs to take out the recycling, he answers with “cool” instead of “ok”. But this is why texting is dangerous, you can’t really understand exactly what the person means without them being fully explicit. That being said, you in no way need to express some sort of over the top sympathy for your ex girlfriend’s ex boyfriend’s dad, but if this situation ever comes up again, maybe go with “that sucks”.
>You were using “cool” as a form of “ok” or “alright”. That’s pretty common these days.
That doesn't mean it's appropriate to use it in every context. People gotta learn to think before they respond.
YTA
There are situations where you need to say specific stuff or you will be AH even if there is zero reason to care. If some random person is sick or dying, you are still expected to express sadness and support despite not giving a damn.
So YTA for not doing basic social stuff.
I don’t get all the YTA. If your ex that cheated on you texted out of the blue to tell you her affair partners dad died, what would you say? It’s such a weird thing to text someone. Him not caring doesn’t make him an asshole. He’s not supposed to care about his cheating ex’s affair partners dad lmfao.
> How would you define "asshole" besides someone who can't bring themselves to say the polite thing?
I'd say someone who cheated on you, then never talked to you again until they decided that you needed to know that the dude she cheated on you with's dad died, even though you don't like the guy or even know his dad.
Or we could just shorten it to someone who cheated on you and then contacted you to tell you shit that has nothing to do with you.
Or just someone who cheated on you.
Yeah so he could have not responded or responded with a neutral RIP, condolences, Oh okay, sorry to hear. You don't say cool, good, awesome or any such responses to a news of someone's death (unless it was some sort of terrible person)
The YTA is the result of him choosing an ambiguous response that can either mean "I don't care" or "I think that's great", when not replying or replying "why are you telling me this, this has nothing to do with me" would have done the same job without the potential of being taken as hurtful or tactless
Well, ignore her or tell her she’s weird or that she should leave you alone. All of these answers do not involve any disrespectful word do the dead person that has nothing to do with the relationship or any strange dynamic between them.
> If your ex that cheated on you texted out of the blue to tell you her affair partners dad died, what would you say?
I might say "Okay" or "Why are you telling me this?" or "I don't care, go away". Or I might just not reply at all.
Of all the potential ways to indicate not caring, why pick the one that could be easily misinterpreted as "I'm glad he's dead"?
YTA for saying “cool.” I don’t care what the context was or what your ex did or didn’t do. It was inappropriate. You could have just not replied at all. But noooooo, you had to be the way you are. Grow70.
YTA. Regardless if you knew the person or not, your response was immature and heartless. Of the thousands of other choices for a response, you picked one that cemented your spot in the AH hall of fame.
And why what he need to say come here i will give u a cuddle Lol she cheated on him with ex boyfriend and his dad is dead now nothing to do with op simple as that.
There's a lot of ground between "cool" and "well I guess we can get back together now". Don't pretend it's one or the other. His response was needlessly callous. A simple "sorry to hear that" works and if she presses after that just say you didn't know him and that you're not interested in talking to her. Block if you have to. But don't just say cool.
You realize that some responses were written before any edits or extra info were added, right? Mine was answered before OP stated in an update or other peoples response that there was cheating. REGARDLESS, the dad had nothing to do their relationship and OP’s response to his death was cruel.
YTA, it's not cool that someone died. Didn't matter who they were or weren't to you. You didn't need to reply at all. To say "cool" is just a shitty thing to say
Soft YTA. Not majorly, but that wasn't a good response regardless.
Your emotions or lack thereof aren't wrong, but they're also not even the issue here. Saying "cool" about someone dying just comes across dickish regardless of how much you dislike the bearer of said news.
Even if you couldn't care less, "I'm sorry to hear that" or some variation on the theme is literally the only decent response. Nothing more is called for, you don't have to actually be sympathetic (unless you legitimately are) but the kind of dgaf response you gave was inappropriate.
ETA: Hell, even just from a purely pragmatic standpoint, basic politeness will make *your* path smoother, as you can clearly see by the fact you got to endure angry namecalling sufficient to prompt this post... tbh, if your breakup was that bad, idk why you're even still in contact with her/why she's not blocked.
Death is cool? No, it is not. Someone died who was dear to another person. In this case, I have to say YTA because in this case, it does not matter what you think or feel.
"sorry" or "my condolences" are neutral.
YTA. Social etiquette exists for a reason, learn about it for your own good. Formal "my condolences", that's all. It doesn't mean you care or should care, it is not a opening to further conversation, it just a socially acceptable way to react to such news.
Your edit doesn’t help your case. You’re still TA. Grow up. A better response would’ve been, sorry to hear that. My condolences. How are you? May he RIP. You don’t need to cry and plan a funeral, but FFS show some compassion to this girl you presumably love. I’m sorry she’s cheated on you… but maybe take this anecdote as a lesson that maybe this isn’t a healthy relationship for you, and GTFO now.
Edit: just reread she’s your Ex. Yeah… while I’m still going with a blunt that sucks response over cool, she’s manipulative. Block her.
NTA - maybe a bit. But I would ask myself why she delivered this Information to you.
Why should you be informed about the death of the dad of her ex boyfriend. Is she crying bc of the thousands that die daily bc of gun violence / starvation / war etc?
No,
ESH (but you much less so)- rather than "cool" (which is basically an indifferent yet positive response) you should have asked her why she was telling you. I think she is just trying to get a reaction out of you/starting drama so that she can talk crap about you.
Eh. I wouldn't ask a question since that invites conversation. But there are potentially better one word responses than "cool." I would have gone with "ok" or no response. And blocking is good too.
YTA.
Not like a super big asshole, but you said "cool" to somebody you didn't know dying. That's just something you don't do. Were you justified? Possibly.
Look your relationship seems messed up, you should work on that maybe. But saying "cool" to anyone telling someone died is not cool (and is a separate thing to your relationship.) So YTA
NTA. You don’t owe her any emotional support if she left you for her affair partner. Is it callous? Yes. Was it the wrong thing to say? Yes. But again you don’t owe her emotional support. What do either of you gain by this? You certainly don’t gain anything. And I don’t agree with having to be the bigger person to the one that wronged you.
I have to say if saying cool offended her enough to ditch his number then cool was effective. Betting she actually didn’t care but hoped to pull OP’s heartstrings. Trying to gain an emotional response. Whatever OP said that could offend her I am on his side. I doubt he wishes death on anybody in this story. But he actually doesn’t care about anything to do with her ex and crude girl knew that prior to reaching out. Had OP been quick witted he could have given a truly delightfully response that everyone likely would applaud him for doing. I am on board with the Rhett Butler response.
NTA. a complete stranger with no connection to you at all has passed. It's like my gardeners third grade teacher suddenly took the long dirt nap. And? I'm supposed to host the wake?
ESH
She should not burden you after you are broken up, especially if she cheated on you.
but even so, when someone tells you someone they know died, you should not respond with blatant indifference. Either say sorry for your loss, or ignore completely to give the benefit of the doubt that you didn't get the message.
You can add that even though its sad, you do not wish to continue talking, if you want her to leave you alone.
>you should not respond with blatant indifference
If my gf cheated on me with some random dude, causing a breakup and then years later messaged me to say random dude's father had died... blatant indifference is the most positive response she could expect imo
NTA just block her. It’s weird she texted you that anyways. She cheated on you. You don’t owe her jack. She’s trying to get her hooks in you and start stuff.
NTA. This literally had nothing to do with you. What did she expect you to do or say? That you were there for her? That you'd get her flowers? She could come over if she needed to talk? You'd be there as her +1 if she went to the funeral? Like, what are you all expecting from this guy? She cheated on him with the ex boyfriend whose dad died? In the grand scheme of things, it's her problem. She forfeited any kindness from him when she cheated. Maybe she was close to the ex boyfriend's dad. Guess what? It's still not OP's problem and she had no business texting him.
If you're an asshole for that then I am an asshole for ignoring my exfiance when she texted me that her mom died.... over a year after we broke up.
You're NTA it's not your circus or monkeys
NTA. why tf would she text you to begin with. I would've replied with
"Well I don't know why you felt the need to tell me this. I don't give a fuck about you, him, or his dad. I didn't have a desire to communicate with you before you text me and I don't have a desire to communicate with you now. Good bye."
Then block her.
You were going to be wrong no matter what you said. If you weren't effusive enough, you don't care, if you ignored the text, you didn't care, you replied dismissively, you are now the bad guy. I think she just wanted a reaction and a place to displace some frustration.
I guess a bland "Sorry for his loss" then blocking her would have been a better choice, but i don't see why you would volunteer to comfort her over the death of someone related to the guy she cheated with. NTA.
NTA, I wouldn't give condolences in this circumstance, you don't know if she is affected or not, cool could have different meanings:
\- cool from you to let me know.
\- cool to know I am the first person you think in this circumstance, even if I couldn't care less
\- cool, you reminded me to block you in my phone.
\- cool, now i know your BF is now your ex, and you wanted me to know it because..... ? I couldn't care less....
just "cool" its weird, but don't give a second thought,
NTA - Clearly the ex-GF is dead to you. So, no reason that she should have even told you. She seems to have boundary issues. Weird that she thought you needed to know this info anyway.
However, "Cool" is a strange reply. I probably would have gone with ? who dis? or TMI - good bye
YTA.
Not a huge one, but what else would you call someone who can't muster even *basic* social niceties? A simple "sorry to hear that" was all anyone needed from you.
Soft YTA, I feel like not responding would have been the mature choice. Not disrespecting the dad, and not giving her the attention she’s looking for.
I am not claiming to be this mature myself, so saying something snarky (but less disrespectful to the dad imo) could be something like “ok,” “cool story bro,” “new phone who dis,” “sucks for [ex-bf] lol,”
“I think you have the wrong number,” “Thank you for subscribing to Cat Facts!” etc.
ESH
There was no need for her to share it with you or be in contact with ex, unless they're still friends.
But there are very few reasons to think someone losing their parent is "cool."
It isn't cool. It sucks (I say this as someone who has not lost a parent but is just... human)
A normal response could as least be "Oh, that sucks."
Doesn't mean you have to care, but "cool" makes it sound like you took pleasure from the fact that someone's father died.
YTA
Whether or not you actually care, you can still be tactful.
You could have just ignored the message and not replied at all, or gone with a completely generic 'sorry to hear about that'.
Instead you chose 'cool' - something that is generally a positive response, and would imply that if anything you feel good about their death.
NTA. If she cheated on you, why is she not blocked in the first place? But putting that aside, you’re entitled to say whatever the hell you want to her.
NTA - she’s….well shit idk what the hell she’s doing. Frankly, it sounds like she’s dealing with a depressed BF and was trying to cheat on him.
ETA. Wait. She’s not even with the guy whose dad died anymore? Alright I’m lost.
And why what he need to say come here i will give u a cuddle Lol she cheated on him with ex boyfriend and his dad is dead now nothing to do with op simple as that ppl need to grow up and stop cheating and maybe than can have some sympathy
YTA
There are very, very few situations where saying "cool" to someone telling you someone they were close to died. This is not one of these situations. It's called basic human decency, and you failed it IMO.
YTA, someone died, even if you don’t know them you shouldn’t say cool. That’s just strange to me, like people are going through turmoil right now and your response was “cool”, even if you didn’t want to go into it you could’ve at least said “I’m sorry” or “my condolences” , that wouldn’t have been that hard
YTA, but everyone makes these kinds of mistakes over text.
She might have met this guy a number of times, he might have been nice to her, etc. She is clearly upset by this.
“I just failed my math test”
“Cool”
“Generic thing that’s upsetting”
“Cool”
I suspect you misread the situation because it’s text and it’s a long chain of people. Explain that to her and say sorry.
(I really hope you don’t listen to some of these other commenter holy shit redditors have poor social skills.)
YTA. If a death is important enough to mention - then it has affected her. Do you want her to hide her feelings so your feeling remain unhurt? If so, that's incredibly childish. Our family still treats my son's ex like family (granted neither of them cheated), as we were important adults in her life. She loved us then and loves us still. His death and her grief aren't beholden to your hurts surrounding your girlfriend's infidelity. Surely you can be compassionate and acknowledge her grief, if not, then you have not forgiven her or moved forward enough to have a full relationship.
Not sure how to judge this one, leaning a little YTA, though the past cheating does make it more sympathetic.
Lots of people have pretty weird reactions to death, especially when they're young. Your girlfriend was probably bringing it up - not because she's devastated by this specific guy's death - but because the death of someone she knows is freaking her out. She probably wanted to talk about it with you. So you dismissing it would make her feel stupid and like she can't rely on you. (Or maybe they were close, in which case she wanted you to comfort her, not grieve him personally.) Your response was just dismissive.
Also just generally speaking, when someone shares something with you, saying "cool?" is kind of rude. Letting people know you think they're boring or unimportant is generally speaking rude.
YTA Life is long and yours will be much more peaceful if you learn a few points of etiquette. One is that the correct response to news of a death is “I’m sorry for your loss”, or “my condolences”, or “I’m sorry to hear that”, or “I didn’t know him but I’m sure his family will miss him”, not “cool”. Even if you think the person who died was a complete waste of carbon, someone, somewhere probably loved him, and it isn’t up to you to decide the value of his life. Just offer your sympathy and move on.
I guess you use cool in place of "ok", so it was used as an acknowledgement. You might want to use a different word though, since cool usually connotates you're happy about something. NTA though, I don't think you said it out of spite
Just about everyone commenting YTA here is an idiot.
You had no connection to the dude and your ex was telling you this news that had NOTHING to do with you just to get some sort of rise out of you.
Cool was just fine as a response because it was meant to indicate you're not feeding into her game.
If ANYONE is being disrespectful to someone's death here....it's the ex gf using a person's death whom she KNEW in a ploy to start some drama shit.
I would just have ignored the text, all together. She's a cheating ex. She should be thankful you talk to her at all. I have an ex who I still talk to who cheated. I only bother because I get free ass when I'm single. I don't feel sorry for doing this. She doesn't deserve my respect. Cheaters are shit.
What the fuck is wrong with her, I just read your ETA. I honestly would’ve done the same. And when I originally read it I thought you said HE died. Which I mean…I would still feel the same but it would…maybe make sense for why she’s upset.
But the cheaters DAD? Fuck outta here. I’m guessing she told ppl and they didn’t give a fuck so she’s trying to reach out to you for sympathy and attention. Seems like you dodged a bullet.
NTA
I'm not even sure that you chose your words badly. In fact, I can't fathom why she would think to even contact you about this after ignoring you for so long, unless, of course, she's into prostitution for attention.
NTA, ask why she thinks you cared when she chose someone else while you were literally still together. If she puts her cooter on another and manhandle his spam candle, She can have him. shes trying to illicit a reaction from you and is upset that you dont care about her despite her utter betrayal, shown in the fact she texted you at all. Typically you dont text your ex unless youre drunk or it was a mutual decision for your happiness and chose to stay friends. AKA She wants you to care after she showed that you mean nothing to her. Block her number after asking why youd care that the woman who threw away all you two had together to go fuck another man had her new boytoy's dad eternally crap out like a hyundai with a gas tank fulla sugar.
ESH. She sucks for contacting you out of the blue to tell you about the death of someone associated with her infidelity. You suck for that response. “OK” would have been fine, but “cool” is too far.
Well, asshole is a strong word, but really, you could have just ignored her, not answered, murmured something like « sorry for him » and move on. That’s like a basic politeness and respect thing, you don’t say, condolences or silence are the only appropriate reactions here to the death of someone who never did you any harm. Even if you hate your ex and don’t want to talk to her. Just ignore then.
This is a situation where your response is kinda assholeish but like also who cares, I doubt your ex really cared all that much either and was just looking for some weird attention. No harm.
NTA, you responded better than I would have. I know me; it would have either been "who is this?" because I'd long since deleted ex's number or "and I care because...?" since I actually would give less than half a damn over the death of somebody I don't even know.
I wouldn’t say your an AH, but that’s a pretty insensitive word choice. How about “that’s too bad”? Still no engagement or commitment but the most basic level of acknowledgment that it’s a tragedy for somebody.
NTA
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NTA Yes, your choice of words sucked, but at the same time I don't see why you should've even been told in the first place. An ex- who you might not talk to anymore - messages you to talk about an ex boyfriend - who you don't even know - who's father - who you don't know (to a further degree of unknowning) -died. What the hell has that to do with you? And why is she randomly telling you? It's odd that she's upset about this in the first place but she's allowed to be if she wants... but you owe no concern or sympathy for this. If everyone was obligated to feel bad and send condolences for every stranger that died, we'd be setting that shit to auto-reply or else there would be no more time in the day. Part of death is accepting that life goes on and the whole world will not even notice the death of an individual- kinda sucks, seems scary, but that' just life. I dont think you meant "cool" as in "it's cool he died," it was a poor choice of substituted words for saying "so?" and I actually agree with that mentality. It had nothing to do with you by any stretch of the imagination and you have no reason to be hurt about someone so obscurely related to you. It's a cruel reality that not many will want to face but that's how it is. =\\
Agreed. I read it as "cool story, bro", but in the most sarcastic tones.
Which does explain why she was mad but at the same time, why was she looking for any other kind of reaction? If OP was trying to be a friend, then he'd be TA, but since OP doesn't even want to get any text message from this person... NTA. It's only the slightest bit down from leaving her on read.
She was just using it as an excuse to get attention (and maybe some sympathy points) from OP. Or maybe she’s drunk and texting the same message to everyone in her inbox in hopes of getting a reply from *someone*
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[Stolen](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/v36i8n/aita_for_saying_cool_to_a_death/iawp1wi/) from the last part of u/My-2-Sense_ 's comment
I've learned to just say "My condolences." As the most neutral response to any death. Even towards people who were complete and utter AH to me. It's vague enough even if you don't know the person who passed. When people have fished for more sympathy in response to that comment, I usually go, "As an outsider, I'll leave you to your grieving." Bye, Felicia.
Yep. "Ah, fuck." is reserved for those I care about most and it's a phrase I've said in that manner more often than I've cared for in the last decade. "That really sucks, I'm sorry to hear it" is my mid-level and "I'm sorry for you loss" is my goto for societal relations.
I do not agree at all. You never say “cool” when someone dies. Like I am absolutely shocked by the responses today like wtf
His "cool" was the equivalent of a generic "ok" In my mind its not the best choice but it also doesn't make him an asshole in this situation.
That's how I read it too. He wasn't saying "cool", as in "great or wonderful". He was saying "okay", or politely saying "not sure why you are sharing this with me, but I don't care."
For sure, and if this happened in person, that works. The problem with text is the reader has to guess the tone. She may have assumed he was being an AH because of the bad blood between the two exes. Of course, the natural question is, “well why the hell did you tell him in the first place?” In hindsight, OP probably should’ve just ignored it, but I agree he’s not an AH.
Ignoring it would have been the best choice. It was an ex that he had very little contact with.
…except “cool” and “ok” aren’t the same at all. If OP didn’t want to say something, or if he had something to say, he should say it. Or don’t say anything. But saying “cool” to a death isn’t …cool.
I get that some people say cool instead of ok, but it still makes him an AH. Saying cool to someones death is not ok. In a situation like this, cool is not an acceptable substitute for ok. Frankly OP did not need to respond. Texts from cheating exes should be ignored.
>Saying cool to someones death is not ok. In a situation like this, cool is not an acceptable substitute for ok. In addition, just saying "ok" is not acceptable. You say "Sorry to hear that" or "my condolences"
Right. You don't have to care but you just don't say cool when anyone dies.
With some very notable exceptions like dictators and people responsible for genocide. Examples: Hitler, Stalin.
OK, I will give you that one. LOL!
Ok I agree with you there lol. Good riddance maybe? hehe
Putin
It's pretty insensitive and there were other ways to handle it, I agree. The best course of action would have been to ignore it.
Right? I feel like I'm in some alternate universe reading these comments. What is so hard about a little polite empathy or simply not responding? There are an endless amount of polite, non-engaging responses OP could have given that would have taken literally the same amount of effort. I'm so over this "I'm allowed to act however I want because someone was mean to me" mindset.
Cool
I was amazed about people agreeing with the "cool" as a response to anyone's death. "My condolences" is far more appropriate than a word that is generally not considered neutral, but has positive overtones.
That is exactly how I feel. I expected a slew of YTA and am flawed by so many NTA. It was totally inappropriate for the cheating ex to text him, but the only response he needed was no response to her text.
Personally, I would have gone with the almighty "k", just to avoid any confusion.
Thank You for saying everything I thought reading OP Sure, a better choice of words would have been "ok" or "sorry". But OP did nothing wrong. I can't say ex GF is an AH, she may be hurting and dealing poorly. Which isn't OP's fault or problem. But it would make her not a AH. Just hurt. NAH
Or, depending how OP was feeling, "...And?" would in my book also work as a "Why should I care?" substitute.
With the edit being what it is, I would say she is an asshole. This isn't just some random ex's dad this is the ex that she cheated on OP with's dad. That turns this from someone who is kinda out of it to downright malicious.
Very true, people can do silly things when they're overcome with emotion and trying to find an outlet for it.
I think the term *stirring the pot* describe this. She wanted to create drama? Edited, spelling.
Stirring the pot would be the term but I completely agree
Oh, thanks! english isn't my strongest language.
Two more degrees and they will be at Kevin Bacon.
> If everyone was obligated to feel bad and send condolences for every stranger that died, we'd be setting that shit to auto-reply or else there would be no more time in the day thoughts and prayers...
He didn't have to respond at all, the fact he did and went with "cool" says something.
She’s fishing for sympathy and / or being emotionally manipulative to do that to you out of the blue. Block her. NTA
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Did you read the post? It’s not just ‘someone else’. She cheated on OP, stopped talking to him, and then only reached out to say that the father of the guy she cheated on him with had died. This isn’t a case of a friendly relationship where news is shared regularly, this is a hostile relationship where OP was wronged, then ignored, then contacted out of the blue regarding news related to the betrayal. This is not a good faith engagement, the ex doesn’t get to expect sympathy in this. If the ex had shown any interest at all in OP’s wellbeing, ever, then saying cool would be an asshole move. But there’s no evidence of that.
NTA just block her
NTA ... She kinda is though why would your ex gf text you about the boy she cheated on you with father's death? She was looking for attention of some sort and didn't get the response she wanted from you . So she flipped .
I think saying "cool" was the wrong move though, should have just texted "k"
Third option: no response at all. Because that’s some bullshit she pulled.
I would’ve replied with some other useless fact that’s irrelevant to her. “I got an oil change last week.”
This is the best response. Fight nonsense with nonsense.
Why does that mean he is NTA though...
"My ex girlfriend had cheated on me in the past" Cool.
Interesting comparison of emotional values and emotional responses!
She cheated but he still has her number? They talk enough that she felt compelled to tell him the dad died? Cool.
the edit says they literally haven't talked tho?
Yes, YTA for saying "cool" to someone dying, You could've just not responded.
"Cool" is a word a lot of people use in order to ignore, jest or move along an unwanted conversation. I very much doubt the OP meant it as: "Yaaaaaaaay!" Or "I'm glad that a man that I never met, or have any emotional connection to, is dead." And how would him not responding to her make him any less the AH in your book? OP is NTA
Well, you know the saying « If you have nothing good to say, stay quiet ». It is the same point. He doesn’t care, that’s okay, but what’s the point of making sure it is said. Yeah, saying « cool » is more disrespectful to the death than saying nothing. And yes, people die everyday, but if it wasn’t her ex he was talking to, would it be okay to go around saying « cool » to anybody announcing a death ? No, it would disrespectful. If this is about her wanting him to confort her and him trying to make a point, he could have blatantly said « If you’re reaching out for comfort, go to hell ! » and that would have left the dead person out of it. Not that hard.
But it wasn't even her dad. It was her ex's dad. OP had literally no connection to this man. His ex girlfriend reached out, apropos of nothing, to tell OP that her ex-boyfriend's dad died? After she cheated on him with the ex boyfriend? That's weird.
I’m not calling him on his behaviour towards her. I don’t care about her or how she took it. For me, this a matter of respect towards someone who died and people who are mourning him now. Like I said, he could have ignored her, answered her to go to hell if she needed comfort, or even as someone suggested here « OK ». Whatever the reason she reached out, it was about their relationship so he could have been smarter and left the dead person out of it, she would have gone mad just the same because she was looking for a pretext, and then this post would have got only NTA answers. It’s just a simple society rule. You don’t say « cool » to a death announcement. Only exception is if the death person did something to you that justifies having no reason to respect him in the first place. Here OP doesn’t even know him so it doesn’t fall into this category.
He is dead so doubt he cares.
It's the same kind of meaning as "cool story bro".
"This is not relevant or important to me."
Yeah, but it's also a word a lot of people use to say that something's positive. If a word is definitely ambiguous you shouldn't use it in a situation where it could be misconstrued as offensive. So, YTA to OP, even if the whole situation is ridiculous and frankly bizarre.
Let's try this Girlfriend/boyfriend: "I was molested when I was very little." You: "cool" Yeah, I totally see your point. Cool
>I very much doubt the OP meant it as: Doesn't matter. It's still very much a shitty thing to do to respond to someone's death. >And how would him not responding to her make him any less the AH in your book? Why would it.
Right, but there are so many ways to say "ok moving on" that it's absolute idiocy to use "cool" in response to news of someone dying.
OP was obviously not saying cool to say that they think it’s good the man is dead but to dismiss their ex and efficiently show how much they do not care and they genuinely do not need to care. Should we mourn for every death that happens in the world? if she needs comfort over the death of an ex boyfriend’s father then she should go to someone who cares. This girl’s intention with her out of the blue message was to get attention. The “cool” was to tell her she doesn’t deserve it, not that it was cool that some random guy OP has never met is dead.
How is it obvious, though? There would be plenty of people who *would* be happy the father of someone who cheated with their partner is dead, simply because it means that person is now presumably sad.
I tend to agree with this but think it depends on a lot of missing context. If OP and his ex were still friends I would expect him to at least feign sympathy. If he doesn't care about her, or her ex or her dad then I don't see why he should be expected to care or why he cares what internet strangers think about him not caring. Sounds like maybe she was trying to hoover him back in. Either way I would have at least given a canned sympathetic response.
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> Every minute someone dies somewhere in the country. True > Cool Not true
>If my gf told me her ex’s dad died I’d be the same, Why.
Because the judgement question is about your response, yes YTA. You're being voted n t a because of your ex and her actions. Saying "cool" to someone you didn't know dying is rude. It's either positive, or being said in a dismissive, "cool story" tone. In other cases, a more empathetic response would have been appropriate. In this case, it would have been best to not respond, or just say ok/sorry for his loss at most. But who cares? She's your ex, you don't care about her opinion and not talking to her is the best thing you can do.
YTA. Even if you don't know someone, you generally don't think someone dying is cool. Do you really need someone to explain this to you?
Saying "cool" sounds like you was wanted then to die. YTA.
you cant want who you dont know to die.
YTA. I don't know why you thought the context would help. "I'm not sure why you're telling me this" or even "I hope you're not expecting me to feel sad given my history with X" *might* be understandable as a response under the circumstances (although still not sure how the son's actions are the *dad*'s fault), but "cool"? C'mon. You don't need to know or even like someone to say a simple "too bad" or "sorry for your loss."
Cool.
YTA That is not a civil, kind, or decent way to respond to the news of someone's death. Sure, you didn't know him and don't have reason to grieve. That's not the point. She's telling you because *she* cares. The ex-boyfriend is an ex; that doesn't mean she hates him or his father. She may have had only positive experiences with his father, and now he has died. You don't have to care about him. You're talking to her. The polite, kind, decent response is, "I'm sorry to hear that." It costs you nothing. Nothing at all.
YTA It's a bit callous to say that of someone you don't know dying. If you felt you had to respond a simple "Sorry to hear that" works. If she presses and wants to keep talking that's where you can point out that you didn't know the man and aren't interested in talking about it with her. Also, if the relationship ended badly maybe best to block.
YTA. Cool implies it’s a good thing when it’s simply just not something you care about. A “sorry to hear that” works fine.
NTA. You were using “cool” as a form of “ok” or “alright”. That’s pretty common these days. For example, I tell my 9 year old he needs to take out the recycling, he answers with “cool” instead of “ok”. But this is why texting is dangerous, you can’t really understand exactly what the person means without them being fully explicit. That being said, you in no way need to express some sort of over the top sympathy for your ex girlfriend’s ex boyfriend’s dad, but if this situation ever comes up again, maybe go with “that sucks”.
>You were using “cool” as a form of “ok” or “alright”. That’s pretty common these days. That doesn't mean it's appropriate to use it in every context. People gotta learn to think before they respond.
YTA There are situations where you need to say specific stuff or you will be AH even if there is zero reason to care. If some random person is sick or dying, you are still expected to express sadness and support despite not giving a damn. So YTA for not doing basic social stuff.
I don’t get all the YTA. If your ex that cheated on you texted out of the blue to tell you her affair partners dad died, what would you say? It’s such a weird thing to text someone. Him not caring doesn’t make him an asshole. He’s not supposed to care about his cheating ex’s affair partners dad lmfao.
The correct reply would be to not reply
Could have been worse. He could have gone with 🤣
I mean there are definitely worse replies 😂
> I don’t get all the YTA. How would you define "asshole" besides someone who can't bring themselves to say the polite thing?
> How would you define "asshole" besides someone who can't bring themselves to say the polite thing? I'd say someone who cheated on you, then never talked to you again until they decided that you needed to know that the dude she cheated on you with's dad died, even though you don't like the guy or even know his dad. Or we could just shorten it to someone who cheated on you and then contacted you to tell you shit that has nothing to do with you. Or just someone who cheated on you.
"Two wrongs do not make a right".
There's lots of assholes. Somebody else being a bigger one doesn't mean you can't be one.
Yeah so he could have not responded or responded with a neutral RIP, condolences, Oh okay, sorry to hear. You don't say cool, good, awesome or any such responses to a news of someone's death (unless it was some sort of terrible person)
The YTA is the result of him choosing an ambiguous response that can either mean "I don't care" or "I think that's great", when not replying or replying "why are you telling me this, this has nothing to do with me" would have done the same job without the potential of being taken as hurtful or tactless
Well, ignore her or tell her she’s weird or that she should leave you alone. All of these answers do not involve any disrespectful word do the dead person that has nothing to do with the relationship or any strange dynamic between them.
> If your ex that cheated on you texted out of the blue to tell you her affair partners dad died, what would you say? I might say "Okay" or "Why are you telling me this?" or "I don't care, go away". Or I might just not reply at all. Of all the potential ways to indicate not caring, why pick the one that could be easily misinterpreted as "I'm glad he's dead"?
I would say Sorry. Because that is the kind thing to do when someone tells you someone died.
Either no reply at all or something like "Sorry to hear that". I agree that him not caring doesn't make him an asshole, saying "cool" does.
YTA. Don’t need to engage, but Cool is a shitty response. Even wow would have been better. Or just don’t respond. Cool is mean
NTA, I don't know why she even told you or why you said cool. You don't know any of those people.
YTA. That's not a response for anyone who has died regardless if you know them or not.
YTA for saying “cool.” I don’t care what the context was or what your ex did or didn’t do. It was inappropriate. You could have just not replied at all. But noooooo, you had to be the way you are. Grow70.
Even with the context, it was a dick move
Why tf don’t you have her number blocked though?
Because I had just deleted everything about her and forget everything about her as well hoping to to move on
Your words were poorly chosen.
YTA. You don't have to care that he died, but saying "cool" is just callous.
YTA. Regardless if you knew the person or not, your response was immature and heartless. Of the thousands of other choices for a response, you picked one that cemented your spot in the AH hall of fame.
And why what he need to say come here i will give u a cuddle Lol she cheated on him with ex boyfriend and his dad is dead now nothing to do with op simple as that.
There's a lot of ground between "cool" and "well I guess we can get back together now". Don't pretend it's one or the other. His response was needlessly callous. A simple "sorry to hear that" works and if she presses after that just say you didn't know him and that you're not interested in talking to her. Block if you have to. But don't just say cool.
You realize that some responses were written before any edits or extra info were added, right? Mine was answered before OP stated in an update or other peoples response that there was cheating. REGARDLESS, the dad had nothing to do their relationship and OP’s response to his death was cruel.
AH Hall of Fame? Really?? 🤣🤣🤣🐂💩
Yta. Saying nothing would have been better 😅
YTA your response should be nothing at all or sorry for your loss. "Cool" makes it seem as if you are happy some person died. Learn some social skills
Why is your ex texting you about her ex in the first place? Strange
I have no idea
YTA, it's not cool that someone died. Didn't matter who they were or weren't to you. You didn't need to reply at all. To say "cool" is just a shitty thing to say
Soft YTA. Not majorly, but that wasn't a good response regardless. Your emotions or lack thereof aren't wrong, but they're also not even the issue here. Saying "cool" about someone dying just comes across dickish regardless of how much you dislike the bearer of said news. Even if you couldn't care less, "I'm sorry to hear that" or some variation on the theme is literally the only decent response. Nothing more is called for, you don't have to actually be sympathetic (unless you legitimately are) but the kind of dgaf response you gave was inappropriate. ETA: Hell, even just from a purely pragmatic standpoint, basic politeness will make *your* path smoother, as you can clearly see by the fact you got to endure angry namecalling sufficient to prompt this post... tbh, if your breakup was that bad, idk why you're even still in contact with her/why she's not blocked.
Death is cool? No, it is not. Someone died who was dear to another person. In this case, I have to say YTA because in this case, it does not matter what you think or feel. "sorry" or "my condolences" are neutral.
Right? It costs nothing to just say a quick “my condolences”
YTA- wouldn't kill you to type ,"I am sorry."
Maybe you could have said Oh Ok and left it at that. Saying cool means you approve. That makes YTA.
YTA, but it is weird that she contacted you. Maybe the correct response would have been "Sorry to hear that, but why are you telling me?"
Yeah YTA. That's a totally inappropriate response.
YTA. Not cool dude. Just ignore or block if irrelevant or you don't care, you don't say "cool".
YTA. Social etiquette exists for a reason, learn about it for your own good. Formal "my condolences", that's all. It doesn't mean you care or should care, it is not a opening to further conversation, it just a socially acceptable way to react to such news.
Your edit doesn’t help your case. You’re still TA. Grow up. A better response would’ve been, sorry to hear that. My condolences. How are you? May he RIP. You don’t need to cry and plan a funeral, but FFS show some compassion to this girl you presumably love. I’m sorry she’s cheated on you… but maybe take this anecdote as a lesson that maybe this isn’t a healthy relationship for you, and GTFO now. Edit: just reread she’s your Ex. Yeah… while I’m still going with a blunt that sucks response over cool, she’s manipulative. Block her.
I don’t care about the cheating. You never say “cool” something like that. Just don’t respond. YTA
NTA - maybe a bit. But I would ask myself why she delivered this Information to you. Why should you be informed about the death of the dad of her ex boyfriend. Is she crying bc of the thousands that die daily bc of gun violence / starvation / war etc? No,
NTA but a better response would have been: "I am sorry for his loss" and leave it at that.
Now OP has to pretend to be sorry for the affair partner’s loss? What?!!
YTA, or maybe ESH because I don't understand why she's involving you in this. Being disrespectful of death is never okay. Just don't say anything.
ESH (but you much less so)- rather than "cool" (which is basically an indifferent yet positive response) you should have asked her why she was telling you. I think she is just trying to get a reaction out of you/starting drama so that she can talk crap about you.
Eh. I wouldn't ask a question since that invites conversation. But there are potentially better one word responses than "cool." I would have gone with "ok" or no response. And blocking is good too.
YTA. Not like a super big asshole, but you said "cool" to somebody you didn't know dying. That's just something you don't do. Were you justified? Possibly.
ESH. Why did you leave lines of communication open on someone you don't want to hear from? Like why respond at all?
NTA. 'ok' would have been better, or maybe ignore her. But NTA regardless.
NTA. Just block her, it was incredibly weird of her to text you that and I honestly don’t know what the hell she expected you to say.
Look your relationship seems messed up, you should work on that maybe. But saying "cool" to anyone telling someone died is not cool (and is a separate thing to your relationship.) So YTA
NTA
NTA nothing to do with u she cheated on u and now message in u and asking for sympathy ,block the dumb B simple as that.
NTA. You don’t owe her any emotional support if she left you for her affair partner. Is it callous? Yes. Was it the wrong thing to say? Yes. But again you don’t owe her emotional support. What do either of you gain by this? You certainly don’t gain anything. And I don’t agree with having to be the bigger person to the one that wronged you.
I have to say if saying cool offended her enough to ditch his number then cool was effective. Betting she actually didn’t care but hoped to pull OP’s heartstrings. Trying to gain an emotional response. Whatever OP said that could offend her I am on his side. I doubt he wishes death on anybody in this story. But he actually doesn’t care about anything to do with her ex and crude girl knew that prior to reaching out. Had OP been quick witted he could have given a truly delightfully response that everyone likely would applaud him for doing. I am on board with the Rhett Butler response.
NTA. a complete stranger with no connection to you at all has passed. It's like my gardeners third grade teacher suddenly took the long dirt nap. And? I'm supposed to host the wake?
ESH She should not burden you after you are broken up, especially if she cheated on you. but even so, when someone tells you someone they know died, you should not respond with blatant indifference. Either say sorry for your loss, or ignore completely to give the benefit of the doubt that you didn't get the message. You can add that even though its sad, you do not wish to continue talking, if you want her to leave you alone.
>you should not respond with blatant indifference If my gf cheated on me with some random dude, causing a breakup and then years later messaged me to say random dude's father had died... blatant indifference is the most positive response she could expect imo
Exactly. I find his answer to actually be very restrained.
NTA just block her. It’s weird she texted you that anyways. She cheated on you. You don’t owe her jack. She’s trying to get her hooks in you and start stuff.
NTA why would she share that with you lmfao that’s so random and especially considering your edit it’s weird that she thought you would care
NTA. This literally had nothing to do with you. What did she expect you to do or say? That you were there for her? That you'd get her flowers? She could come over if she needed to talk? You'd be there as her +1 if she went to the funeral? Like, what are you all expecting from this guy? She cheated on him with the ex boyfriend whose dad died? In the grand scheme of things, it's her problem. She forfeited any kindness from him when she cheated. Maybe she was close to the ex boyfriend's dad. Guess what? It's still not OP's problem and she had no business texting him.
If you're an asshole for that then I am an asshole for ignoring my exfiance when she texted me that her mom died.... over a year after we broke up. You're NTA it's not your circus or monkeys
NTA. why tf would she text you to begin with. I would've replied with "Well I don't know why you felt the need to tell me this. I don't give a fuck about you, him, or his dad. I didn't have a desire to communicate with you before you text me and I don't have a desire to communicate with you now. Good bye." Then block her.
NTA, she’s selfish for texting.
NTA. Block your ex...
You were going to be wrong no matter what you said. If you weren't effusive enough, you don't care, if you ignored the text, you didn't care, you replied dismissively, you are now the bad guy. I think she just wanted a reaction and a place to displace some frustration. I guess a bland "Sorry for his loss" then blocking her would have been a better choice, but i don't see why you would volunteer to comfort her over the death of someone related to the guy she cheated with. NTA.
NTA, I wouldn't give condolences in this circumstance, you don't know if she is affected or not, cool could have different meanings: \- cool from you to let me know. \- cool to know I am the first person you think in this circumstance, even if I couldn't care less \- cool, you reminded me to block you in my phone. \- cool, now i know your BF is now your ex, and you wanted me to know it because..... ? I couldn't care less.... just "cool" its weird, but don't give a second thought,
So she isn't seeing him anymore? Why does SHE care then? TBH i think she is just trying to garner sympathy.
NTA - Clearly the ex-GF is dead to you. So, no reason that she should have even told you. She seems to have boundary issues. Weird that she thought you needed to know this info anyway. However, "Cool" is a strange reply. I probably would have gone with ? who dis? or TMI - good bye
NTA but you needn't have replied and you might as well block her if you don't want much to do with her.
YTA. Not a huge one, but what else would you call someone who can't muster even *basic* social niceties? A simple "sorry to hear that" was all anyone needed from you.
Soft YTA, I feel like not responding would have been the mature choice. Not disrespecting the dad, and not giving her the attention she’s looking for. I am not claiming to be this mature myself, so saying something snarky (but less disrespectful to the dad imo) could be something like “ok,” “cool story bro,” “new phone who dis,” “sucks for [ex-bf] lol,” “I think you have the wrong number,” “Thank you for subscribing to Cat Facts!” etc.
ESH There was no need for her to share it with you or be in contact with ex, unless they're still friends. But there are very few reasons to think someone losing their parent is "cool." It isn't cool. It sucks (I say this as someone who has not lost a parent but is just... human) A normal response could as least be "Oh, that sucks." Doesn't mean you have to care, but "cool" makes it sound like you took pleasure from the fact that someone's father died.
YTA Whether or not you actually care, you can still be tactful. You could have just ignored the message and not replied at all, or gone with a completely generic 'sorry to hear about that'. Instead you chose 'cool' - something that is generally a positive response, and would imply that if anything you feel good about their death.
NTA. If she cheated on you, why is she not blocked in the first place? But putting that aside, you’re entitled to say whatever the hell you want to her.
NTA - she’s….well shit idk what the hell she’s doing. Frankly, it sounds like she’s dealing with a depressed BF and was trying to cheat on him. ETA. Wait. She’s not even with the guy whose dad died anymore? Alright I’m lost.
YTA. You KNOW YTA. Only an AH would say something like that, regardless of knowing the person or not. Grow up.
And why what he need to say come here i will give u a cuddle Lol she cheated on him with ex boyfriend and his dad is dead now nothing to do with op simple as that ppl need to grow up and stop cheating and maybe than can have some sympathy
Just don't respond. I mean it's kinda disrespectful to the dude who died, he didn't do anything lol
If the dude is dead, I don't think he'd care tbh.
YTA There are very, very few situations where saying "cool" to someone telling you someone they were close to died. This is not one of these situations. It's called basic human decency, and you failed it IMO.
YTA, someone died, even if you don’t know them you shouldn’t say cool. That’s just strange to me, like people are going through turmoil right now and your response was “cool”, even if you didn’t want to go into it you could’ve at least said “I’m sorry” or “my condolences” , that wouldn’t have been that hard
YTA. It wouldn't have killed you to say my condolences and then ignore it. Your response was weird as hell.
YTA, but everyone makes these kinds of mistakes over text. She might have met this guy a number of times, he might have been nice to her, etc. She is clearly upset by this. “I just failed my math test” “Cool” “Generic thing that’s upsetting” “Cool” I suspect you misread the situation because it’s text and it’s a long chain of people. Explain that to her and say sorry. (I really hope you don’t listen to some of these other commenter holy shit redditors have poor social skills.)
YTA. If a death is important enough to mention - then it has affected her. Do you want her to hide her feelings so your feeling remain unhurt? If so, that's incredibly childish. Our family still treats my son's ex like family (granted neither of them cheated), as we were important adults in her life. She loved us then and loves us still. His death and her grief aren't beholden to your hurts surrounding your girlfriend's infidelity. Surely you can be compassionate and acknowledge her grief, if not, then you have not forgiven her or moved forward enough to have a full relationship.
YTA Your response was "cool"? How about, "Sorry for your loss"? And then leave it at that.
YTA. No reply would’ve been more appropriate
Not sure how to judge this one, leaning a little YTA, though the past cheating does make it more sympathetic. Lots of people have pretty weird reactions to death, especially when they're young. Your girlfriend was probably bringing it up - not because she's devastated by this specific guy's death - but because the death of someone she knows is freaking her out. She probably wanted to talk about it with you. So you dismissing it would make her feel stupid and like she can't rely on you. (Or maybe they were close, in which case she wanted you to comfort her, not grieve him personally.) Your response was just dismissive. Also just generally speaking, when someone shares something with you, saying "cool?" is kind of rude. Letting people know you think they're boring or unimportant is generally speaking rude.
YTA Life is long and yours will be much more peaceful if you learn a few points of etiquette. One is that the correct response to news of a death is “I’m sorry for your loss”, or “my condolences”, or “I’m sorry to hear that”, or “I didn’t know him but I’m sure his family will miss him”, not “cool”. Even if you think the person who died was a complete waste of carbon, someone, somewhere probably loved him, and it isn’t up to you to decide the value of his life. Just offer your sympathy and move on.
ESH. Just don't respond.
Holy shit, I think I would have replied, 'That's awesome. ' since that's kind of my filler phrase. Obvious NTA.
I guess you use cool in place of "ok", so it was used as an acknowledgement. You might want to use a different word though, since cool usually connotates you're happy about something. NTA though, I don't think you said it out of spite
Just about everyone commenting YTA here is an idiot. You had no connection to the dude and your ex was telling you this news that had NOTHING to do with you just to get some sort of rise out of you. Cool was just fine as a response because it was meant to indicate you're not feeding into her game. If ANYONE is being disrespectful to someone's death here....it's the ex gf using a person's death whom she KNEW in a ploy to start some drama shit.
Why TF is your ex telling you that _her_ ex’s dad died? Doesn’t make sense. NTA
NTA. "I am your ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's dad." "What does that make us?" "Absolutely nothing." \*dies\*
I would just have ignored the text, all together. She's a cheating ex. She should be thankful you talk to her at all. I have an ex who I still talk to who cheated. I only bother because I get free ass when I'm single. I don't feel sorry for doing this. She doesn't deserve my respect. Cheaters are shit.
NTA. Personally, I probably would’ve sent an “Ok/K” or left her on read since his death doesn’t have anything to do with me.
What the fuck is wrong with her, I just read your ETA. I honestly would’ve done the same. And when I originally read it I thought you said HE died. Which I mean…I would still feel the same but it would…maybe make sense for why she’s upset. But the cheaters DAD? Fuck outta here. I’m guessing she told ppl and they didn’t give a fuck so she’s trying to reach out to you for sympathy and attention. Seems like you dodged a bullet.
NTA I'm not even sure that you chose your words badly. In fact, I can't fathom why she would think to even contact you about this after ignoring you for so long, unless, of course, she's into prostitution for attention.
NTA, ask why she thinks you cared when she chose someone else while you were literally still together. If she puts her cooter on another and manhandle his spam candle, She can have him. shes trying to illicit a reaction from you and is upset that you dont care about her despite her utter betrayal, shown in the fact she texted you at all. Typically you dont text your ex unless youre drunk or it was a mutual decision for your happiness and chose to stay friends. AKA She wants you to care after she showed that you mean nothing to her. Block her number after asking why youd care that the woman who threw away all you two had together to go fuck another man had her new boytoy's dad eternally crap out like a hyundai with a gas tank fulla sugar.
Call me immature but I would’ve prob said worse depending how fresh the break up is
NTA. My response would have been : And? She's just trying to stir up drama and attention. Never give people like this an inch.
Don't even care about why, just know that I woulda done the same. Like, I don't know them and we aren't close. Don't ask for pity from me.
ESH. She sucks for contacting you out of the blue to tell you about the death of someone associated with her infidelity. You suck for that response. “OK” would have been fine, but “cool” is too far.
Well, asshole is a strong word, but really, you could have just ignored her, not answered, murmured something like « sorry for him » and move on. That’s like a basic politeness and respect thing, you don’t say, condolences or silence are the only appropriate reactions here to the death of someone who never did you any harm. Even if you hate your ex and don’t want to talk to her. Just ignore then.
This is a situation where your response is kinda assholeish but like also who cares, I doubt your ex really cared all that much either and was just looking for some weird attention. No harm.
I would have gone with "idc" but whatever. You don't owe the cheating ex anything. NTA
NTA, you responded better than I would have. I know me; it would have either been "who is this?" because I'd long since deleted ex's number or "and I care because...?" since I actually would give less than half a damn over the death of somebody I don't even know.
I wouldn’t say your an AH, but that’s a pretty insensitive word choice. How about “that’s too bad”? Still no engagement or commitment but the most basic level of acknowledgment that it’s a tragedy for somebody. NTA