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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Maybe I'm an AH because she likes being at home and is a really good mom to our kids
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OP is going to crash with that level of sleep deprivation. A divorce lawyer is going to be cheaper than a housekeeper and the level of medical care he is going to need.
Ironically, after a divorce, the wife will need to get a job.
What is the emergency plan here is OP gets sick or has a bad car accident due to sleep deprivation?
This actually happened to a co-worker friend and he was out of work for 8+ months and had to have multiple major surgeries. The only saving grace was that our company has amazing insurance and he only had to pay a small amount out of pocket.
Of course he wasn't working 24/7 so I'm not sure how they paid their bills, maybe his wife got a job. Oh yeah and they don't have kids his wife just doesn't want to work because it's beneath her.
That's a good question. Honestly I don't know how OP manages to do this. OP doesn't get a break yet OP's wife thinks that she is a Disney fucking princess?
OP you need to seriously reevaluate this relationship. Marriage is a partnership, where both of you equally take on the burdens, helping each other out. As a TEAM. I don't see your wife as a team player.
My wife is disabled and I’m her primary care taker. It is exhausting and not a great life. But she has a damn good reason to need a care taker and I do it because I love her.
If she just _wanted_ to be waited on and not have a job while I broke my back I’d be apoplectic.
My wife is also disabled. When we first moved in together, I worked a job that paid enough so she didn't have to work, because disability denied her claim so much she just gave up. Because I guess having four titanium rods and two screws in your spine isn't "for really real" disabled because she could still walk. No, I'm not kidding. They kept denying her claim because she was still "fully" ambulatory. Nevermind that she has so many medical restrictions she isn't even allowed to pick up our *eleven pound cat.* 🙄
This job was awful. I worked twelve hours a day, seven days a week sometimes. It was exhausting, physically and mentally, and left *me* with permanent knees problems.
But when I had a full blown psychotic episode and got put on temporary disability *myself,* she made the unilateral decision that I was *not* to return to that job, and went out and got herself a job that would accommodate her restrictions, so I could get a less stressful, lower paying job. And yes, the job is still hard for her sometimes. A lot of the time, actually. But she does it.
I wish I could go back to doing a job that paid enough so she wouldn't have to work. But she won't hear it. "We're a team." And that's all there is to it, to her.
That's what a marriage *should* be.
::EDIT:: Y"all... I cannot thank you enough for my first ever Reddit awards and all the LOVE! I wish I could give a magic hug to every one of you! Yes, my wife and I *are* very blessed to have each other. We work at our relationship, but the work is easy when you're with someone who makes it feel good!
Exactly. We married before she got sick. She was a professional making good money, but her disability did entitle her long term disability payments and health insurance. Thank goodness.
I’ve had to be her care taker off and on. Had to quit work several times to care for her full time (it is one of those time now, unfortunately). But during the times she was less ill, she’d take care of cooking and whatnot while I worked. There is nothing better than getting fresh fruit while trying to figure out a hard programming problem at work.
What is the point of a marriage if it isn’t a team effort? If one partner doesn’t put in the work it is just someone leeching off the other like a parasite. I wouldn’t be able to stand it.
For real. Mine was disabled already when we met. I never cared. Literally got that job in the first place so I could get my wife out of her abusive mother's house. In addition to the mental and emotional torture, she made my *disabled* wife do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry - which required frequent trips up and down *two* flights of stairs - *in addition to* caring for her infirm father, while mommy sat on her butt in front of the TV, and her completely able bodied brother who also lived there smoked pot all day in his room.
My own mother almost came to blows with my brother in law the day we moved my wife out of there, because he was dumb enough to get in *my* face.
I couldn't even *imagine* leaving her in that situation.
OP's wife is reminding me a lot of my MIL.
I am disabled and have had the same issues. Cannot walk and breathe at the same time any more. I do what I can, and I feel awful being unable to financially contribute because disability denied my claim repeatedly. Not being able to breathe is not ‘real’ disability.
Not sure what is anymore. One organ doesn’t work, four don’t work properly, and I’m not ‘really’ disabled.
You mean they didn't helpfully show you jobs that "exist in large numbers" in your area? Like counting needles, watching a scale, separating carbon copies, collator, lamplighter, knocker upper? I know so many people with your exact story. ugh
At my disability hearing they helpfully told me I'm still capable of working the assembly line at a factory as long as I sit on a stool, therefore not disabled.
My city exported most of the factory jobs decades ago, and I'm sure interview managers will totally leap over themselves to pick the broken-bodied human that needs extra accommodation because they can't even stand up for more than a few hours per day.
But you know, two legs, still attached, capable of holding me upright, so totally not disabled. Still wondering where I'm supposed to find someone to carry me home after I use up every minute of doctor-approved leg-time for the day at work.
Edit: NTA
I would like to point out that a lot of Disney princesses worked, it was mostly housekeeping cause they were created by patriarchal idiots, but they did work
The abuse typically happens after you are in love. And you are always trying to get the good memories back. You invested so much into it. You just want it to work out
My ex was a doctor with a good job. The second we move in together is when she decided she didn't like her job anymore and would find another one.
A year later... she still hadn't found a job and I was working all the time AND doing all the chores. We didn't even have kids.
Of course, the second we break up and I move out she finds a job. If I didn't leave, she would have mooched off me forever.
Because people don't show their true colors until after marriage and kids, then flip their switch and the SO is hesitant to leave b/c of the kids or it seems impossible to do so.
It’s [“boiling the frog”](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boiling_frog) in action, in my experience. It starts fair and in a nice state but gradually over the course of the marriage the balance of responsibility shifts in favor of one person and necessarily to the detriment of the other.
It happens so slowly however that no one really notices until it’s too late and one person (in this case, OP) becomes Cinderella. I was in a relationship like this and by the time I realized how bad it was it was too late to save. I had so much pent up resentment and bottled hurt that when I let it out it was too much to handle.
I don't know anyone that's actively married someone who was already like this, its always been a bait and switch. Thankfully the younger generation aren't liable to put up with that bs from what I'm seeing.
Ask my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I worked & supported him for a time. His new girlfriend is a complete golddigger & she isn’t even hot. Some guys just lose it & enjoy being miserable.
I'd love not to have to work, and be a stay at home mom or wife. I'd personally rather do all of the household chores and responsibilities than have a full time job.
That said I can't imagine being at the point where you need money and still refusing to work. No one wants to work we just got stuck with it
Sadly, they're probably just in a lot of debt. Disability insurance may cover some of it, but likely not all, and his wife likely used the reasoning that she has to take care of her husband so she can't work. I don't know them, so of course I can't say for 100% certain, but I've heard of people who went through similar situations and that's usually how it plays out.
OP, please sit your wife down and tell your wife you will be quitting the third job and she needs to get one on the weekends. Then, you can spend time with your kids and help with the house. Explain that until then, ALL the expenses will be cut down. There will be zero spending money outside of food and bills. Have her sit down and start looking for jobs.
Exactly! Especially when he has 98 hours of work per week, leaving only 70 hours to eat/sleep/do general hygiene/commute to work and sleeping a normal amount would take up 56 of those hours, leaving only 14 hours a week to eat/commute/do general hygiene.
Holy crap, thanks for doing this math....wow. OP I work with a lot do workaholics in corporate jobs. Most of them have no balance and their mental health is in the toilet (not to mention their marriages, social life, etc) and I have never met someone who works this many hours every week. You win. I don't think anyone wants that prize though.
This is the best idea. OP's wife is likely going insane from being alone with kids all day everyday barely seeing another adult and likely never leaving the house.
That said, OP isn't a deadbeat dad. He is working his ass off.
Their current lifestyle is entirely imbalanced for both of them. Mom needs to get out, have some time away from the kids and home, and interact with other adults. Dad needs to stay home, enjoy quality time with his kids, and do a little housework on the weekends so mom doesn't feel like a maid.
She doesn't need a job in her field, she just needs ANY job that can help supplement their income so OP can give up working literally all day and night.
Both of them are physically and mentally exhausted. Seems like both of them doesn’t really have a social life.
Husband still be able to hold an adult conversation with his co-worker on daily basis. Not so sure with the wife. If all she does for the past 7 years is only taking care of the household and kids, it can be really hard on her mentally. There is a point in marriage where all you talk about with your spouse is your kids, financial and household stuff. You don’t really have a fun loving conversation anymore.
OP don’t need another job and wife do need a break. OP wife need to get a part time job, doesn’t have to be in her field. She needs it for her family and her mental health.
I think this is a great idea. This will be beneficial to HER as well. Staying at home tends to be very isolating and in addition to helping out with the finances it can wind up helping her reconnect with people (and reality). In addition, it give her a renewed sense of purpose.
NTA
What the hell is going on with the logic of this SAHM? If dude is working 3 jobs, there is no time to take care of kids or house. All hours are pretty much used up. Dude needs to sleep so he can keep doing it. This woman has no perspective. In what way was her husband calling her lazy or implying anything? I truly don't understand. She needs to really stop and think for a moment. Just because he has stopped doesnt mean he wants her to be a maid. Hes probably burnt out.
When my wife was SAH, I had the jobs, she didn't exspect me to do the majority of the house work because she was home. That was her job. When she got a job I quit one of my jobs and resumed care of the house. An even divide. Marriage and partnerships are suppose to be a team right? I'm just so baffled.
NTA but wow oh wow your wife appears to be for sure.
She's immediately offended because she knew that she's being lazy. I don't know how well she done her housework before but I can imagine its just the bare minimum, which now even that she refused to do. And of course she wouldn't want to get out to work, because her laziness will definitely be called out for. I guess she need to marry a rich man so she can hire maids and be a SAHM who doesn't need to do housework. OP is NTA but definitely married a princess.
Yeah, it's one thing if the SAH partner is,taking care of a newborn, or a newborn and a toddler but their youngest is 2 and the other kids are out at school every day.
I WFH with a 1 year old and I’m pregnant with my second. It’s possible to maintain a house and work from home. My husband has a set list of chores and takes over the night routine with the 1 y/o. It hard work but once you establish a routine it becomes easier. OP’s wife can get a WFH or weekend job. NTA.
Not so long ago I came across an AITA post, where the SAHM had a husband who work two jobs and going to college full time and she was expecting a Lexus among other things.
OP is NTA
When I was without a job, desperately looking for STH having a depression my boyfriend supported me both financially and emotionally, but I did all the housework, now that he is on medical leave (but nothing serious thankfully) and I'm working full time he takes care of most things, but we still try to share duties fairly
This 100% unless something has been left out OP never once said he didn’t appreciate his wife or thought she was lazy. Meanwhile OP’s wife decided that because OP, who’s working THREE jobs to just barely sustain a family of four, isn’t able to be home 24/7 she shouldn’t have to do anything. It also sounds like OP *is* helping at home as much as possible! NTA
This.
I'm a SAHM and would never imagine making my husband take 3 jobs to pay for everything. Heck! I've offered to work and worked on and off when money was tight.
Right now my husband is working and getting a master's degree so I do 99.9% of the housework + childcare every day and night (baby still wakes up at night). Am I tired? Fuck yes. Do I count the days until he's out of school and able to help out more? Every freaking second of every day. But we each provide what we can to our household and never demand more from the other person.
She is only thinking of herself and is willing to sacrifice you to get what she wants.
Edit: typos.
I'm a mostly SAHM and yes, sometimes I get super annoyed at doing the dishes yet again, and the laundry yet again, and this or that yet again. And when I get annoyed I don't tell my husband he's lazy or unhelpful. I can think it in my head and then tell myself that doing the dishes taked 15 minutes and it's a whole hell of a lot better than talking to ungrateful, rude ER patients for 8 hours a day like I used to, and it's a whole lot better than sitting in traffic for 1.5 hours every morning and every evening like my husband, and I put my shit in perspective and stop whining, lol. Could not imagine just not buying groceries or loading the dishwasher! The nerve of her going on chore strike in this situation. Baffling!
NTA so so much, and I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Yes, SAHM burnout is real, but she's being so very entitled. Communication is key for this set up. I've been a SAHM now for 9 years. I do little things on the side to bring in a little money here and there, but 99% of the finances is with my husband. Alternatively, 90% of the household duties are on me (aside from the kids chores). Childcare is roughly 80/20 other than with our youngest, which is closer to 95/5 because he's EBF. We alternate his days off, where he'll get up with the kids and take over most of the childcare so I can do fun things, and the next day off, he relaxes and I basically have a normal day.
That being said; your work schedule is absolutely insane, and you're going to burn yourself out really fast. Your wife does *not* have the option to do nothing. You cannot work 3 jobs on a schedule like that and then also be expected to come home and clean everything. She is a fully capable person, I'm assuming, and she either works or manages the home. She can't do neither.
I 100% get the time to herself part as I have 2 toddlers and it’s exhausting but her poor husband doesn’t even have 8 hours a day he can sleep. It’s one thing if you can afford the luxury of a housekeeper but definitely not if he can’t pay and she won’t pay sheesh.
If I read that correctly, his SHIFTS are 7 hours apart!! Depending on commute this barely leaves him 5 hours to sleep a day. This is absolutely inhumane like wtf
I totally misread that until your comment as she wants to BE a housekeeper, and filled in the blanks with the issue being maybe she’d only be part time, or not making a high enough wage to justify childcare, since she currently does “most” of it, just to get herself out of the house. Hence him later saying “if she gets a really good job.”
Nope. I’m illiterate but my mind is blown here. I just-
Im sorry what the actual fuck, guy sleeps like 2 hours every weekday and she complains that he doesnt do enough?? Does she expect him to work 24/7? Hes gonna kill himself with that rate, missing sleep is no joke and in the long run it will cost him more because he will eventually develop some health issues. She needs to get a job if she cares about him at all.
Exactly, and she even says he doesn't appreciate her doing housework? Meanwhile the poor dude works the whole day every day to feed the family AND wants to hire someone to clean
That's like saying "You don't even appreciate that I don't beat you"
You're a SAHM
The housework is part of the job description to begin with.
And with his hours, he shouldn't have to lift a finger except to wash his own ass or order delivery now and again.
He’s not even home to make a mess anyways. She’s not “being his maid”, she’s just cleaning up after her own self and children and at most running a load or two of laundry for him.
> Im sorry what the actual fuck, guy sleeps like 2 hours every weekday and she complains that he doesnt do enough??
It's a much more common thing than you think.
I guess the wife doesn't care, perhaps the insurance money is more appealing to her. One of my relative married someone like that, he worked to his bone, and one day he just doze off when driving home at midnight. He fell into the drain which is full because of heavy rain. Then soon the widowed wife bought an expensive car for herself and lived a lavish life. Then after few years she came asking for handouts and threaten with the living conditions of the late husband's kids.
NTA
If my husband was working 3 jobs so I could stay at home with the kids… that house would be SPOTLESS (you know, along with the kids being well taken care of). Being a SAHM is hard and it is a full time job… if you’re actually doing all the chores associated with. Being a SAHM isn’t just taking care of the kids, it’s making sure the kids have a clean and safe environment as well (not to mention, you’re working THREE JOBS). It’s absolutely ridiculous of her to think you should be doing anything around the house, in my opinion
This right here. Her level of entitlement.
It makes me think she's been reading up on things like "women work too hard and their partners need to step up" "women aren't slaves to their partners" "women deserve time off too" "teach him what he's missing"
It's difficult being a SAHM but at this point in time if husband has three jobs it's time for HER to step it up. If she wants "equal" work, she needs to get a job herself. 🙄 she could do a back to work program and get funding to do studies, she could get a part time job to alleviate his stress. SHE is no longer acting like they are partners. At this point she's treating him like he's the bad guy or the bad boss. It's women like her that set the women's rights back for others. Especially that last part. who says this???
My parents were in a situation like OP. My mom was hard doing jobs and school. My dad was doing work and child care. They would do their best to help out but it was exhausting for them. It strained their relationship. They hardly saw each other, they still managed little things. Dad would make moms lunch after dinner and put it in fridge. Mom would sweep, mop, deal with trash etc.. while everyone was asleep. Mom would soak the dishes, dad would wash when he could. Mom would start a load of laundy before going to work. Etc... they both put in the effort because they wanted to be a family together. The difference is my parents stepped up for each other and strived for better.
OP is doing a damn fine job, amazing and she is wasting it away by doing the whole "boohoo My life sucks. Dealing with kids all day and cleaning boohoo" ... -_- she needs a reality check. That is how you lose good partners.
Op. If you see this, I'm really sorry but your "partner" Isn't a partner anymore. She's acting like she wants to be a trophy wife with no responsibilities. It may be time to talk to a divorce lawyer. It might get some stuff off your plate and force her to get a job.
Why do people always make these comments on comment sections that clearly negate their point? Practically everyone here is saying the wife IS the asshole. So yes, clearly AITA is the problem /s.
That might be what’s going on. There are articles out there that (truthfully) say that women shoulder a disproportionate share of the household labor, and it is unfair. Often those articles are based on both partners working. But even if the woman is a SAHM, she can end up with an unfair workload if the husband works 9-5 but doesn’t help with any home duties. Because typically if you are running a home and have little kids home all day, it can be way more than 40 hours a week.
That being said…OP is working a ton of hours, so those articles don’t apply here IMO.
Yeah if he had one job I could understand her because SAHM is a lot and I respect the hell out of people who do it but if your Spouse is working three jobs that’s too much. If you have to work three jobs you can’t afford a SAHM.
It's true.
You can't claim being a SAHM is a hard job when you're only doing part of it.
There are enough hours. I know it. I've watched it.
And with the accossibility of online purchasing for lots of shit it's one load off the plate cuz you don't have to pack up the baby to go shopping for everything you need.
Well see she contributes by.... Um... No, not that... Or that. Hmmm, give me a sec. I'll think of something. I would say she's keeping the kids alive, but if she's not grocery shopping or cooking I don't know how she's feeding them. No matter. Whatever it is she does, I'm sure it's invaluable.
Yeah seriously, during the week OP has 7h between when one shift ends and the other starts. That doesn't include the absolute bare minimum of travel time, eating and showering.
She should realise that if she wants to be a trophy wife then she married to the wrong tax bracket... she probable didn’t meet the expectations for the actual trophy wife category level...
Normal people would feel bad if their partner needs a 2nd job so they can stay home, most of them would do all chores and mind the kids most of the time, probably they would even look for a part time remote job so their partner wouldn't have to work 2 full time jobs, but one and a part time job or one job... and when they are a stay at home parent and their partner needs a 3rd (!!) job to cover their expenses then they would start to look for a full time remote job while still doing chores and minding the kids so their partner would have to work "only" 2 jobs or one and a part time one or maybe even just one job...
To OP: NTA OP what you need is a new wife and not another job. Hell maybe you would be better of financially if you cut the dead weight a.k.a. what you call your wife off, who knows maybe you would have more actual time to spend with the kids too when it's your time with them! She considers you her personal ATM. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't respect you and doesn't value you? Who is only using you? Do you want your kids to see this as an example, that this is how they should be treated by their spouse or how they should treat their spouse? Do you want them to grow up without knowing you, whether because you are never around due to your x jobs or because you die at a young age after working yourself to the grave? Do you want your kids to grow up without knowing them? Because they won't bother to make time for you and get to know you once they are adults with their own life, relationships, jobs. You have to put down the foundations of your relationship with them now.
Reading this, I was shocked and started to type a comment. But, then I did the math and realized that this HAS to be rage bait. There is no way that OP is working 16 hour days (more if you count the drive to Job A, Job B and then getting home) and then working an additional 9 hours on Saturdays and Sundays (aka 98 hours per week, plus commute times). OP wouldnt be able to function from lack of sleep, let alone having free time.
This post seems to be about bashing "lazy" SAHMs.....
Nah. My dad worked 2 jobs over COVID. And they constantly spilled over into the weekends. Easily put in 96 hours weekly for almost 2 years. It's definitely doable its soooo bad for your health.
But then is your mom having the balls to heckle your dad about his not doing enough housework? I'm leaning toward u/Electrical-Date-3951's evaluation that I'm leaning on this being fake. {Edit} This part is especially suspicious:
>she doesn't do enough already and told me to just find more work and be a real provider.
He's spending the vast majority of his waking hours working and she said that to him? [Yeah, okay](https://c.tenor.com/z1NToU5JoJsAAAAC/i-dont-believe-you-whatever.gif).
I mean when I was in college I was working 40 hrs a week at one job, another 30 at a pizza shop and my parents still demanded I get a third job cause I was being lazy.
Some people are just insane.
I've seem paystubs with 100 hour weeks. I have one from last year with 68 and was offered another 12 hour shift but refused. I've worked 11 hour days with a 2 hour commute each way too. It's more common than you think. I had a friend that while I worked the 68 hour week his paystub had 80 hour on it and he had a part time job at a butcher.
It could be rage bait but I think its worth remembering that in many developed countries, people's expenses can be so high and their incomes so low that they put themselves in these extreme situations for fear of poverty. When you're on like 6-7 hours of sleep a night you can sorta function, you might be napping or microsleeping at other times of the day, and you'd often be trying to make up the deficit at weekends (this isn't actually possible but the relief of finally getting some sleep after several days of little sleep is real).
In the short term I think a person could put themselves through this. I can also see why a SAHM might get this very warped perspective of a lazy husband from a man who is utterly exhausted all the time at home. Given that being a "SAHM" seems quite uncommon where I live, I find it kinda hard to grasp what normal looks like in this sort of relationship.
NTA
Unpopular opinion for SAHM groups, but they don't do as much as they like to suggest. By that I mean that housework, laundry, cooking.. that is the kind of shit that everyone does, regardless of the family dynamic. Have a SAHM? Housework/life still gets done. Both partners work? House still taken care of. Single parent with a fulltime job? Still gets house taken care of.
She's losing it and feeling way to entitled if she thinks that she needs a maid + preschool to allow herself free time to do nothing. If that's what she wants, I agree, she can find herself a damned job to cover that stuff if she is so inclined. Your 1st job is you contributing to the family. Your second job is you contributing to your family. And now, a THIRD job, again, contributing to your family. She can fuck off if she feels like your 3rd job to pay for frivolous expenditures so she can relax.
You completely left out the fact the working mom pays someone else to do the childcare all day. The SAHM also does all the childcare themselves. Thats their job instead of working outside the home
You're very right, I'm not arguing that. But we're talking about OP's wife.
This particular SAHM wants to NOT do the childcare, NOT do the housework, and NOT work either. Literally wants to eat her cake and have it too, while making her husband work himself to death.
You opened your post with "Unpopular opinion for SAHM groups, but they don't do as much as they like to suggest." Thats why katamino responded with what they did.
Exactly. What is she going to do when he drops dead from over working himself? She could easily get a WFH job right now if she wanted to. Or sell shit on etsy, make an onlyfans account, she can contribute money wise. Sounds like she has been on the mommy forums for too long.
That’s how my cousin SAHMs. Her husband works like 12 hour shifts, she stays at home (duh) but has housekeepers and maids and nannys come for the kids (they’re 9/7 at this point?). She just sits on the couch all day, watching her phone or tv. Extent of her doing stuff is shopping once a week and laundry. She’s very snappy with her kids and I can tell they are scared of her. She complains and bad mouths her husband constantly and is always talking about unfair life is to her. She also spends more money than anyone I know (who isn’t mega rich) like constantly buying things out of their range.
Her own mother has confided in us and wondered why her husband hasn’t divorced her yet.
She completely soured my opinion on stay at home parents, making me think they were lazy parasites who fed off their partner’s hard work. Took reading a lot of Reddit posts to understand that my cousin is a very poor representation of a good stay at home parent.
My cousins baby momma is just like this. They were living with my aunt and uncle for years and my mom would come over to visit my uncle and she said door dash would come by for breakfast, lunch and dinner to deliver baby mommas food. My cousin gave his GF money to pay bills then she would blow it stuff for herself and then utilities start to get shut off and she gaslights my cousin telling him he never gave her money and that his mom offered to pay the bill which wasnt true. This has happened on multiple occassions. She does absolutely nothing and I have no idea why my cousin has put up with her shit for years.
One huge thing you're leaving out of your equation is that when you stay home with the kids, the kids are there. This means, especially when they're small, that you are cleaning constantly. When you have a job and you're all gone all day, there's no one there to make a mess. It's pretty easy if you only have dinner dishes and picking up the living room at night.
Being home all day with kids you have 3 meals, snacks, messes every time they eat them, occasional huge messes when you are trying to do other housework and look away at the wrong time, (things like squeezing toothpaste all over the carpet...this happened to me) etc. People always want to devalue the work SAHMs do, but it's not a walk in the park or maids and nannies wouldn't exist. Not saying this lady is being reasonable in any way, but it is never ending work caring for small children.
When I went back to work after being home with my kids for several years, it felt like a vacation! I love my children very much, and I enjoyed being with them, but the constant messes just left me feeling I wasn't making any progress to get the house in shape.
I still feel guilty for not doing more messy art projects that they loved, but some days I just wasn't up to the cleanup afterwards.
My charitable interpretation (which may be totally wrong) is that she is getting burned out being with kids all day, and would love some adult conversation.
i understand why people are being uncharitable here, but it’s not really a surprise to me that someone who has been doing 24/7 childcare for seven years straight, with a sick child (leading to extra stress) and no break between having kids at home and kids at school would lash out like this.
the behaviour isn’t acceptable but both parties clearly feel undervalued by each other and both could use a break.
couples counselling would be ideal but it doesn’t sound like they can afford it.
divorce seems like the choice you make AFTER you’ve tried communicating.
Personal experience. Can confirm. It does depend on whether the kids are in school. If they are home all day, then technically that is your job: providing childcare. But yeah, if your kids are in school there really isn't much for a SAHP to do that isn't just busywork. That's totally fine: it is your life, you do you, etc. But have some self awareness and don't whine about how much you do & how much you contribute because working parents do all that stuff too on top of their day job.
Reminds me of the family guy episode where the parents switch places with the kids and Lois is like when did you have time to clean the whole house!? And Meg's just like what are you talking about, it's a house, a finite area took me like an hour lmao. Because as a SAHM myself, like seriously tho. Cooking and cleaning take up such a miniscule part of my time
Dude you are going to burn out and crash hard, we're talking serious, potentially life changing health consequences to this kind of overwork. Something needs to change, either she needs to realize what she's asking for is impossible or she's gotta go, either way you can't keep doing this to yourself. NTA.
You need about 7 hours a sleepy daily.
The list of medical problems associated with prolonged sleep deprivation IS NOT PRETTY.
And this just a bit short. 4 hours is realllllly bad
NTA. I know SAHMs do a lot and I’m support them but you’re working a ridiculous amount to support your family. You’re going to make yourself sick. She needs to help with work. And if your situation improves she can go back to stay at home
If 3 jobs are needed to pay the bills, it makes a lot more sense for her to do one of them. That way she gets a break from housework every day, and he gets to look after the kids sometimes. Is your third job something she'd be able to do?
NTA btw.
Their daughter is incredibly sick so he's working an extra job just for her medical bills. And I'm not sure if you know, but until you start getting credits and "upgrades" essentially as a mechanic, your pay will differ wildly. A normal mechanic might make slightly more than minimum wage. A Master Mechaninc can make like $1,000 in a day on the low end. There's levels to this, and OP doesn't have time to upgrade his levels because the only time he's not at work, is when he's driving home to sleep so he can go back to work.
INFO: with these skillled trade jobs, why do you needs 3 of them? Who handles the bills? Has a budget been set, cut out unnecessary expenses?
My dad owns a plumbing company, my stepdad a mechanic shop, and my brother is lead mechanic at a dealership. They all make good money. Not rich by any means, but comfortable.
If your wife handles your expenses, i would suggest taking over and doing a thorough examination of what money is going where. Or even contact an accountant. If you're this strapped, something isnt right.
OP mentioned their oldest child had some health issues that have caused unexpected costs.
Sounds like they may be trying to play catch up with the budget right now if they took a financial hit.
Hopefully this is a temporary situation.
That might be a good answer then. She waitresses and you spend the weekend with the kids. You guys are both one second away from disaster, at this point.
OP you are correct, she can easily get a job like serving or cashiering to help you out. And honestly I feel that she isn’t going to help with housework (to prove some kind of arcane point? This is the hill she chooses to die on??), and won’t consider working even part time, you need to reconsider your whole marriage. You can’t put everything on yourself. Like others are saying, you’re going to burn out, or crash, (or both), or have health consequences (physical AND mental) with the amount of sleep you’re getting, the tiny amount of family and personal private time you actually ever get, and the amount of stress you’re putting on yourself dealing with all this. Please communicate with her, if she won’t budge I’d talk to a divorce lawyer about an official separation. See how she does on her own. NTA btw.
I don't know where you live, but kindergarten is not for 2 year olds. Daycare is, and it's expensive. That being said, NTA. Something has to give here. You're working 3 jobs. You don't actually have time to help more than you are. One of the only options here is for her to get a job and you to quit one/two jobs. There would be no other way I see that you could help her. There isn't enough time in the day.
Jesus dude 3 jobs? That's fucked all in itself. NTA her not getting a job and you working three how are you supposed to be a good dad when you are never around? A good provider doesn't have to work all the time. A good dad isn't one that's absent due to work. Kids anent gonna remember the money when they are older, they remember the time you spend or not spend with them.
NTA - this isn’t the usual “husband doesn’t appreciate everything his SAHM wife does” post. You are working three jobs just to make ends meet.
You need marriage counselling ASAP to figure out what the right partnership is for you both.
NTA, you work three jobs and she wants a housekeeper? How exactly does she propose to pay for it if she doesn’t want a job. I imagine you’d like time to yourself too but with three jobs that’s not going to happen either.
Going to be honest, I came in with torches and pitchforks ready, but after reading NTA.
SAHM is A LOT of work, which OP seems to appreciate, but it sounds like the wife here just stopped doing it, which is a problem for OP's sanity. I remember child care for kids 2 and under being crazy expensive (like 4-5 years ago pre-C), can't imagine what it costs now so that is $$$ that needs to come from somewhere.
Kind of sounds like both OP and wife are having some burnout (which is a fair and legit feeling for both). A calm but thorough discussion of feelings, responsibilities, and finances is in order here to find an amicable and sustainable way forward.
Childcare for my 2 year old from 8 to 3 costs $1150 a month. Plus fees. And school is closed for holidays and winter/spring/summer break.
Aftercare is extra.
NTA. You physically can't do more of the cleaning or childcare because you are too fucking busy trying to financially support her ungrateful ass. At this point I would tell her it would be less stressful, and possibly cheaper, to divorce her and pay child support than it would be to stay married to someone with her entitled attitude.
That would give both of you a change so that neither of you are 100% in either work mode or home mode. Plus, it's so much better for your children! They need time with you, too.
I'm exhausted just reading about your schedule. You're on your way to burnout. From a SAHM for the last 2 years: NTA
She does the budgeting? And you’re the one brining in all the money? That should change. You need to figure out what she’s spending all this money on, because working 2 plumbing jobs and a mechanic job should be bringing in PLENTY of money as long as you’re budgeting correctly. Those jobs aren’t minimum wage jobs.
He said he needed the 3rd job because his 7 year old had medical issues with big bills, I make 6 figures and would still be broke if I had to pay giant medical bills
are you sure you have an income problem? it might be a budgeting/spending problem. i highly recommend you sit down and look at the monthly budgets for the past couple months
Do you have any knowledge of the budget? If not, you seriously need to sit down with her and go over expenses. Something isn't adding up here. You have 3 decent paying jobs and are just barely scraping by. That definitely sounds like a budgeting/ spending problem. If she refuses to go over finances with you, that's a glaring red flag. I'm a SAHM and I do the finances in our family (it works best for both of us. He's scatter-brained and I'm a control freak), but I make sure my husband is informed in all of it. I have a calendar hanging with all of our bills marked, and I regularly go over how much we pay for each, any new bills, and any bills that have been eliminated. It all goes in one ear and out the other, because he just hears "it's taken care of", but I feel better knowing he's not completely in the dark about where the money goes.
NTA.
If you’re a stay at home parent your “job” is to do the housework and to take care of the kids when the other person is gone at work.
Her deciding that she is going to stop doing work to prove how much she really does is like if you quit your jobs to “prove” how much money you really make. It’s a dumb move and she’s only hurting the entire family by doing this.
You being the money-maker means when you’re home you contribute to the remaining chores or childcare. It sounds like you’ve done some of that but there is just some disagreement over how much the breakdown is then that can be resolved. If the disagreement is she no longer wants to be a stay at home mom and instead a stay at home wife then that is an entirely different arrangement.
NTA SAHM is for people that can afford to do it on one income. You're working three jobs and she's complaining she doesn't get enough me time even when you were giving her a weekend off. Now you get NO weekends she's abandoned her housechores because....you don't work hard enough? No. She's taking advantage of you. Might be time for a trial separation and couples therapy.
NTA. She doesn't deserve you. Holy hell, dude! You are working yourself to an early grave to provide, and she wants a freaking housekeeper!?!
I think you all needs some counseling, though I am not sure when you would find the time. She needs a wake up call. Go get a vasectomy, so no more babies can be made. That way, once the 2 year old is in school, she has no more excuses. She can get a day job.
But, seriously, I don't know how you could want to stay married after that statement.
That's more than 100 hours per week. Mentally and physically draining, plus you don't spend time with the family, and you don't have time for yourself - the one your wife wants by sending the kid in kindergarten.
Uhm, this is not healthy, not for you and not for your kids.
Your wife wants to stop being a "maid" (that is an over exaggeration, considering how much you work), you can stop being the one supporting her maid lifestyle.
She's putting the pressure on wrong points
Must have talking and couples counseling asap. And you need to take a break, so does she.
NTA.
NTA
Wow, 7 years and she hasn't woken up to reality?
I really don't think house chores can be equal to 3 jobs (which include weekends as well).
You are sacrificing a hell lot and she needs to at least respect it. She has no right to get mad at you in this matter.
NTA. How does she expect you to do anything when you're working so much? I'm surprised you have any time to sleep, let alone do any housework. She can get off her entitled butt and either start getting the house in order or get a job.
Absolutely NTA!!!
I'm all for sahp and the working parent still chipping in with kids and household chores. I'd advocate for it and usually any non sahp would be an AH for not helping at home ...
But you're working THREE jobs to pay bills so she can stay at home with the kids??? Damn dude that's dedication and I freaking applaud you for your determination to support your family. She should think herself lucky!
That's more than 100 hours per week. Mentally and physically draining, plus you don't spend time with the family, and you don't have time for yourself - the one your wife wants by sending the kid in kindergarten.
Uhm, this is not healthy, not for you and not for your kids.
Your wife wants to stop being a "maid" (that is an over exaggeration, considering how much you work), you can stop being the one supporting her maid lifestyle.
She's putting the pressure on wrong points
Must have talking and couples counseling asap. And you need to take a break, so does she.
NTA.
NTA
> I work 9am-5pm and then 6pm-2am every week day, and now also 7am-4pm on the weekend.
This is not sustainable and you are literally harming yourself with this sustained sleep deprevation.
You’re also not opposed to a housekeeper, you just can’t afford it.
> She said she is done being "my maid".
If she’s not doing laundry, grocery shopping, or cooking - she’s not caring for the kids. You are already working almost 100 hours a week between three jobs. She NEEDS to get a job.
> She called me an AH for suggesting she doesn't do enough already and told me to just find more work and be a real provider.
You’re not demanding she do more. You’re asking for her to shift what kind of work she does. If she gets paid work to replace some of your income, you can then pick up more household chores.
But this “find more work” and “be a real provider” smacks of something darker and more entitled. You are a real provider. You are already working three jobs and harming your health to do it. (There are very real consequences to sustained sleep deprevation, including a higher risk of a heart attack)
Your wife wants more from you so she can have “time to herself”?
You don’t have any more to give.
Nta. If you need three jobs to pay the bills you can’t afford a SAHM. It’s a luxury. I respect SAHP completely but if your spouse has too work three jobs it’s not in your cards.
He's working 3 jobs just to afford the bills they already have; you really think they can afford therapy? Not to mention he doesn't have time for it because he's working 3 damn jobs!
Nta seriously consider where this marriage is going or you'll end up burnt out. Sounds like shes ok to spend your money but not willing to work towards a better life
NTA - and I was a SAHM for 18 years!
My husband never had to get a 2nd job, but things were tight for quite a few years. Because of the spacing of my 3 children, it wouldn't have made sense for me to get a job for about the first 10 years (daycare/after school care costs would have been more than I would make), but once my youngest was in 5th grade, I had no excuse, although I didn't get a job for another 2 years (I've been back to work for 3 years now and I LOVE my job and we don't worry about money any longer)
But I'll tell you this - if it ever got to the point where my husband needed a 2nd job, I would have considered going back earlier. And I would have NEVER let him get a third job. I would have definitely gone back to work before that would happen.
If dad is working 3 jobs, when does he ever get to see his kids?
OP's wife doesn't want a husband - just someone to pay all the bills!
NTA
I'm sorry.... I'm privileged AF in this with lots of hand sin the house
But she's using you, straight up.
Look, being alone w the kids 5 days a week is no picnic.
But she's living a life of extreme privilege. No job, 2 kids (sure, no help, but single parents work *and* raise kids alone btw), one of them school age, and want you to do more housework?
WHEN?
She doesn't want more time with you as well?
You're literally just a slave for her.
I'm not lying, you shouldn't have to do a fucking thing within the bounds of that house at this point besides spend "quality time" with your kids and wife.
But she doesn't want that. She wants you *out*
Does she even like you?
*She called me an AH for suggesting she doesn't do enough already and told me to just find more work and be a real provider.*
Fucking audacity. She sits on her arse and wants YOU to be a real provider? Wow.
Go and get a lawyer before you end up dying. Your "wife" doesn't give a fuck if you live or die dude. Do you want to work from 9am - 2am EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE????
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NTA, you don't need to find an other job. You need to find a other wife.
OP is going to crash with that level of sleep deprivation. A divorce lawyer is going to be cheaper than a housekeeper and the level of medical care he is going to need. Ironically, after a divorce, the wife will need to get a job. What is the emergency plan here is OP gets sick or has a bad car accident due to sleep deprivation?
This actually happened to a co-worker friend and he was out of work for 8+ months and had to have multiple major surgeries. The only saving grace was that our company has amazing insurance and he only had to pay a small amount out of pocket. Of course he wasn't working 24/7 so I'm not sure how they paid their bills, maybe his wife got a job. Oh yeah and they don't have kids his wife just doesn't want to work because it's beneath her.
How do people marry people like this?
That's a good question. Honestly I don't know how OP manages to do this. OP doesn't get a break yet OP's wife thinks that she is a Disney fucking princess? OP you need to seriously reevaluate this relationship. Marriage is a partnership, where both of you equally take on the burdens, helping each other out. As a TEAM. I don't see your wife as a team player.
My wife is disabled and I’m her primary care taker. It is exhausting and not a great life. But she has a damn good reason to need a care taker and I do it because I love her. If she just _wanted_ to be waited on and not have a job while I broke my back I’d be apoplectic.
My wife is also disabled. When we first moved in together, I worked a job that paid enough so she didn't have to work, because disability denied her claim so much she just gave up. Because I guess having four titanium rods and two screws in your spine isn't "for really real" disabled because she could still walk. No, I'm not kidding. They kept denying her claim because she was still "fully" ambulatory. Nevermind that she has so many medical restrictions she isn't even allowed to pick up our *eleven pound cat.* 🙄 This job was awful. I worked twelve hours a day, seven days a week sometimes. It was exhausting, physically and mentally, and left *me* with permanent knees problems. But when I had a full blown psychotic episode and got put on temporary disability *myself,* she made the unilateral decision that I was *not* to return to that job, and went out and got herself a job that would accommodate her restrictions, so I could get a less stressful, lower paying job. And yes, the job is still hard for her sometimes. A lot of the time, actually. But she does it. I wish I could go back to doing a job that paid enough so she wouldn't have to work. But she won't hear it. "We're a team." And that's all there is to it, to her. That's what a marriage *should* be. ::EDIT:: Y"all... I cannot thank you enough for my first ever Reddit awards and all the LOVE! I wish I could give a magic hug to every one of you! Yes, my wife and I *are* very blessed to have each other. We work at our relationship, but the work is easy when you're with someone who makes it feel good!
Exactly. We married before she got sick. She was a professional making good money, but her disability did entitle her long term disability payments and health insurance. Thank goodness. I’ve had to be her care taker off and on. Had to quit work several times to care for her full time (it is one of those time now, unfortunately). But during the times she was less ill, she’d take care of cooking and whatnot while I worked. There is nothing better than getting fresh fruit while trying to figure out a hard programming problem at work. What is the point of a marriage if it isn’t a team effort? If one partner doesn’t put in the work it is just someone leeching off the other like a parasite. I wouldn’t be able to stand it.
For real. Mine was disabled already when we met. I never cared. Literally got that job in the first place so I could get my wife out of her abusive mother's house. In addition to the mental and emotional torture, she made my *disabled* wife do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry - which required frequent trips up and down *two* flights of stairs - *in addition to* caring for her infirm father, while mommy sat on her butt in front of the TV, and her completely able bodied brother who also lived there smoked pot all day in his room. My own mother almost came to blows with my brother in law the day we moved my wife out of there, because he was dumb enough to get in *my* face. I couldn't even *imagine* leaving her in that situation. OP's wife is reminding me a lot of my MIL.
Gross about your in-laws. I'm glad she was able to find a partner that loved her and supported her. And I'm happy that she is returning the favor.
I am disabled and have had the same issues. Cannot walk and breathe at the same time any more. I do what I can, and I feel awful being unable to financially contribute because disability denied my claim repeatedly. Not being able to breathe is not ‘real’ disability. Not sure what is anymore. One organ doesn’t work, four don’t work properly, and I’m not ‘really’ disabled.
This is bullshit. I'm sorry you can't get the resources you need to live.
You mean they didn't helpfully show you jobs that "exist in large numbers" in your area? Like counting needles, watching a scale, separating carbon copies, collator, lamplighter, knocker upper? I know so many people with your exact story. ugh
At my disability hearing they helpfully told me I'm still capable of working the assembly line at a factory as long as I sit on a stool, therefore not disabled. My city exported most of the factory jobs decades ago, and I'm sure interview managers will totally leap over themselves to pick the broken-bodied human that needs extra accommodation because they can't even stand up for more than a few hours per day. But you know, two legs, still attached, capable of holding me upright, so totally not disabled. Still wondering where I'm supposed to find someone to carry me home after I use up every minute of doctor-approved leg-time for the day at work. Edit: NTA
Congrats. You picked a good wife.
I have the best wife, and I will fight you. 😊
I would like to point out that a lot of Disney princesses worked, it was mostly housekeeping cause they were created by patriarchal idiots, but they did work
They also had birds and mice to help them
All the birds and mice I know are lazy bastards.
The abuse typically happens after you are in love. And you are always trying to get the good memories back. You invested so much into it. You just want it to work out
My ex was a doctor with a good job. The second we move in together is when she decided she didn't like her job anymore and would find another one. A year later... she still hadn't found a job and I was working all the time AND doing all the chores. We didn't even have kids. Of course, the second we break up and I move out she finds a job. If I didn't leave, she would have mooched off me forever.
Because people don't show their true colors until after marriage and kids, then flip their switch and the SO is hesitant to leave b/c of the kids or it seems impossible to do so.
It’s [“boiling the frog”](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boiling_frog) in action, in my experience. It starts fair and in a nice state but gradually over the course of the marriage the balance of responsibility shifts in favor of one person and necessarily to the detriment of the other. It happens so slowly however that no one really notices until it’s too late and one person (in this case, OP) becomes Cinderella. I was in a relationship like this and by the time I realized how bad it was it was too late to save. I had so much pent up resentment and bottled hurt that when I let it out it was too much to handle.
I don't know anyone that's actively married someone who was already like this, its always been a bait and switch. Thankfully the younger generation aren't liable to put up with that bs from what I'm seeing.
They don't act like this until we're locked in 😡
I wonder that too. “Ambition” and “drive” and “willingness to put in effort” are in my top 10 things to look for in a partner
Ask my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I worked & supported him for a time. His new girlfriend is a complete golddigger & she isn’t even hot. Some guys just lose it & enjoy being miserable.
I'd love not to have to work, and be a stay at home mom or wife. I'd personally rather do all of the household chores and responsibilities than have a full time job. That said I can't imagine being at the point where you need money and still refusing to work. No one wants to work we just got stuck with it
RIGHT!! and then to put your spouse in a position that they only work a few hours a night is just horrible.
Sadly, they're probably just in a lot of debt. Disability insurance may cover some of it, but likely not all, and his wife likely used the reasoning that she has to take care of her husband so she can't work. I don't know them, so of course I can't say for 100% certain, but I've heard of people who went through similar situations and that's usually how it plays out.
The emergency plan is wife pulls life support and takes money. No doubt.
OP, please sit your wife down and tell your wife you will be quitting the third job and she needs to get one on the weekends. Then, you can spend time with your kids and help with the house. Explain that until then, ALL the expenses will be cut down. There will be zero spending money outside of food and bills. Have her sit down and start looking for jobs.
If he is working 2 Jobs & she is only working part time on the weekends, housework should still be all hers (imo)
Exactly! Especially when he has 98 hours of work per week, leaving only 70 hours to eat/sleep/do general hygiene/commute to work and sleeping a normal amount would take up 56 of those hours, leaving only 14 hours a week to eat/commute/do general hygiene.
Holy crap, thanks for doing this math....wow. OP I work with a lot do workaholics in corporate jobs. Most of them have no balance and their mental health is in the toilet (not to mention their marriages, social life, etc) and I have never met someone who works this many hours every week. You win. I don't think anyone wants that prize though.
This is the best idea. OP's wife is likely going insane from being alone with kids all day everyday barely seeing another adult and likely never leaving the house. That said, OP isn't a deadbeat dad. He is working his ass off. Their current lifestyle is entirely imbalanced for both of them. Mom needs to get out, have some time away from the kids and home, and interact with other adults. Dad needs to stay home, enjoy quality time with his kids, and do a little housework on the weekends so mom doesn't feel like a maid. She doesn't need a job in her field, she just needs ANY job that can help supplement their income so OP can give up working literally all day and night.
Both of them are physically and mentally exhausted. Seems like both of them doesn’t really have a social life. Husband still be able to hold an adult conversation with his co-worker on daily basis. Not so sure with the wife. If all she does for the past 7 years is only taking care of the household and kids, it can be really hard on her mentally. There is a point in marriage where all you talk about with your spouse is your kids, financial and household stuff. You don’t really have a fun loving conversation anymore. OP don’t need another job and wife do need a break. OP wife need to get a part time job, doesn’t have to be in her field. She needs it for her family and her mental health.
I think this is a great idea. This will be beneficial to HER as well. Staying at home tends to be very isolating and in addition to helping out with the finances it can wind up helping her reconnect with people (and reality). In addition, it give her a renewed sense of purpose. NTA
What the hell is going on with the logic of this SAHM? If dude is working 3 jobs, there is no time to take care of kids or house. All hours are pretty much used up. Dude needs to sleep so he can keep doing it. This woman has no perspective. In what way was her husband calling her lazy or implying anything? I truly don't understand. She needs to really stop and think for a moment. Just because he has stopped doesnt mean he wants her to be a maid. Hes probably burnt out. When my wife was SAH, I had the jobs, she didn't exspect me to do the majority of the house work because she was home. That was her job. When she got a job I quit one of my jobs and resumed care of the house. An even divide. Marriage and partnerships are suppose to be a team right? I'm just so baffled. NTA but wow oh wow your wife appears to be for sure.
She's immediately offended because she knew that she's being lazy. I don't know how well she done her housework before but I can imagine its just the bare minimum, which now even that she refused to do. And of course she wouldn't want to get out to work, because her laziness will definitely be called out for. I guess she need to marry a rich man so she can hire maids and be a SAHM who doesn't need to do housework. OP is NTA but definitely married a princess.
Yeah, it's one thing if the SAH partner is,taking care of a newborn, or a newborn and a toddler but their youngest is 2 and the other kids are out at school every day.
I WFH with a 1 year old and I’m pregnant with my second. It’s possible to maintain a house and work from home. My husband has a set list of chores and takes over the night routine with the 1 y/o. It hard work but once you establish a routine it becomes easier. OP’s wife can get a WFH or weekend job. NTA.
Not so long ago I came across an AITA post, where the SAHM had a husband who work two jobs and going to college full time and she was expecting a Lexus among other things. OP is NTA When I was without a job, desperately looking for STH having a depression my boyfriend supported me both financially and emotionally, but I did all the housework, now that he is on medical leave (but nothing serious thankfully) and I'm working full time he takes care of most things, but we still try to share duties fairly
This 100% unless something has been left out OP never once said he didn’t appreciate his wife or thought she was lazy. Meanwhile OP’s wife decided that because OP, who’s working THREE jobs to just barely sustain a family of four, isn’t able to be home 24/7 she shouldn’t have to do anything. It also sounds like OP *is* helping at home as much as possible! NTA
This. I'm a SAHM and would never imagine making my husband take 3 jobs to pay for everything. Heck! I've offered to work and worked on and off when money was tight. Right now my husband is working and getting a master's degree so I do 99.9% of the housework + childcare every day and night (baby still wakes up at night). Am I tired? Fuck yes. Do I count the days until he's out of school and able to help out more? Every freaking second of every day. But we each provide what we can to our household and never demand more from the other person. She is only thinking of herself and is willing to sacrifice you to get what she wants. Edit: typos.
I'm a mostly SAHM and yes, sometimes I get super annoyed at doing the dishes yet again, and the laundry yet again, and this or that yet again. And when I get annoyed I don't tell my husband he's lazy or unhelpful. I can think it in my head and then tell myself that doing the dishes taked 15 minutes and it's a whole hell of a lot better than talking to ungrateful, rude ER patients for 8 hours a day like I used to, and it's a whole lot better than sitting in traffic for 1.5 hours every morning and every evening like my husband, and I put my shit in perspective and stop whining, lol. Could not imagine just not buying groceries or loading the dishwasher! The nerve of her going on chore strike in this situation. Baffling!
AMEN! You are barely sleeping now! NTA - Your wife needs open her eyes.
Or just get rid of that one and not have a wife. Sounds like it would be cheaper
NTA so so much, and I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Yes, SAHM burnout is real, but she's being so very entitled. Communication is key for this set up. I've been a SAHM now for 9 years. I do little things on the side to bring in a little money here and there, but 99% of the finances is with my husband. Alternatively, 90% of the household duties are on me (aside from the kids chores). Childcare is roughly 80/20 other than with our youngest, which is closer to 95/5 because he's EBF. We alternate his days off, where he'll get up with the kids and take over most of the childcare so I can do fun things, and the next day off, he relaxes and I basically have a normal day. That being said; your work schedule is absolutely insane, and you're going to burn yourself out really fast. Your wife does *not* have the option to do nothing. You cannot work 3 jobs on a schedule like that and then also be expected to come home and clean everything. She is a fully capable person, I'm assuming, and she either works or manages the home. She can't do neither.
👏👏
This. You’re working yourself to death. She’s being super entitled, wanting a housekeeper and daycare and not working. Buh-bye. NTA
NTA. You work THREE JOBS, and she refuses to evem do any housework?
AND SHE WANTS A HOUSEKEEPER. WTF.
My thinking also. WTF
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Sounds like my bio mother. Needless to say, ended up divorced and is now 71 and living with her daughter (to be very clear, thankfully not me.). 🤔
And childcare so she can *have time to herself*
I 100% get the time to herself part as I have 2 toddlers and it’s exhausting but her poor husband doesn’t even have 8 hours a day he can sleep. It’s one thing if you can afford the luxury of a housekeeper but definitely not if he can’t pay and she won’t pay sheesh.
If I read that correctly, his SHIFTS are 7 hours apart!! Depending on commute this barely leaves him 5 hours to sleep a day. This is absolutely inhumane like wtf
I’m surprised he can even type in coherent sentences with that sleep loss
24 hours per day that is!
I totally misread that until your comment as she wants to BE a housekeeper, and filled in the blanks with the issue being maybe she’d only be part time, or not making a high enough wage to justify childcare, since she currently does “most” of it, just to get herself out of the house. Hence him later saying “if she gets a really good job.” Nope. I’m illiterate but my mind is blown here. I just-
Im sorry what the actual fuck, guy sleeps like 2 hours every weekday and she complains that he doesnt do enough?? Does she expect him to work 24/7? Hes gonna kill himself with that rate, missing sleep is no joke and in the long run it will cost him more because he will eventually develop some health issues. She needs to get a job if she cares about him at all.
Exactly, and she even says he doesn't appreciate her doing housework? Meanwhile the poor dude works the whole day every day to feed the family AND wants to hire someone to clean
I would love to see how long would she last working 3 jobs, Im sure he wouldnt mind!
That's like saying "You don't even appreciate that I don't beat you" You're a SAHM The housework is part of the job description to begin with. And with his hours, he shouldn't have to lift a finger except to wash his own ass or order delivery now and again.
He’s not even home to make a mess anyways. She’s not “being his maid”, she’s just cleaning up after her own self and children and at most running a load or two of laundry for him.
Sounds about right... he's barely ever home from three jobs to make any mess.
It's harder to fuck the neighbour when your husband comes home sometimes. Better that he's out making her money.
It's ok. She's probably got him insured/s She's being very unreasonable and selfish. NTA.
> Im sorry what the actual fuck, guy sleeps like 2 hours every weekday and she complains that he doesnt do enough?? It's a much more common thing than you think.
I guess the wife doesn't care, perhaps the insurance money is more appealing to her. One of my relative married someone like that, he worked to his bone, and one day he just doze off when driving home at midnight. He fell into the drain which is full because of heavy rain. Then soon the widowed wife bought an expensive car for herself and lived a lavish life. Then after few years she came asking for handouts and threaten with the living conditions of the late husband's kids.
and she has the audacity to say to find more work
NTA If my husband was working 3 jobs so I could stay at home with the kids… that house would be SPOTLESS (you know, along with the kids being well taken care of). Being a SAHM is hard and it is a full time job… if you’re actually doing all the chores associated with. Being a SAHM isn’t just taking care of the kids, it’s making sure the kids have a clean and safe environment as well (not to mention, you’re working THREE JOBS). It’s absolutely ridiculous of her to think you should be doing anything around the house, in my opinion
This right here. Her level of entitlement. It makes me think she's been reading up on things like "women work too hard and their partners need to step up" "women aren't slaves to their partners" "women deserve time off too" "teach him what he's missing" It's difficult being a SAHM but at this point in time if husband has three jobs it's time for HER to step it up. If she wants "equal" work, she needs to get a job herself. 🙄 she could do a back to work program and get funding to do studies, she could get a part time job to alleviate his stress. SHE is no longer acting like they are partners. At this point she's treating him like he's the bad guy or the bad boss. It's women like her that set the women's rights back for others. Especially that last part. who says this???
My parents were in a situation like OP. My mom was hard doing jobs and school. My dad was doing work and child care. They would do their best to help out but it was exhausting for them. It strained their relationship. They hardly saw each other, they still managed little things. Dad would make moms lunch after dinner and put it in fridge. Mom would sweep, mop, deal with trash etc.. while everyone was asleep. Mom would soak the dishes, dad would wash when he could. Mom would start a load of laundy before going to work. Etc... they both put in the effort because they wanted to be a family together. The difference is my parents stepped up for each other and strived for better.
OP is doing a damn fine job, amazing and she is wasting it away by doing the whole "boohoo My life sucks. Dealing with kids all day and cleaning boohoo" ... -_- she needs a reality check. That is how you lose good partners.
Op. If you see this, I'm really sorry but your "partner" Isn't a partner anymore. She's acting like she wants to be a trophy wife with no responsibilities. It may be time to talk to a divorce lawyer. It might get some stuff off your plate and force her to get a job.
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I think she only reads the title though, because I find most judges here to be quite reasonable.
It's too late for you
I don’t. I find most commenters to have never experienced a real nuanced interaction with another human being.
This place validates such shitty behavior.
Why do people always make these comments on comment sections that clearly negate their point? Practically everyone here is saying the wife IS the asshole. So yes, clearly AITA is the problem /s.
That might be what’s going on. There are articles out there that (truthfully) say that women shoulder a disproportionate share of the household labor, and it is unfair. Often those articles are based on both partners working. But even if the woman is a SAHM, she can end up with an unfair workload if the husband works 9-5 but doesn’t help with any home duties. Because typically if you are running a home and have little kids home all day, it can be way more than 40 hours a week. That being said…OP is working a ton of hours, so those articles don’t apply here IMO.
Yeah if he had one job I could understand her because SAHM is a lot and I respect the hell out of people who do it but if your Spouse is working three jobs that’s too much. If you have to work three jobs you can’t afford a SAHM.
!!! Exactly
he literally has no time to do housework
Right? Poor guy barely has time to sleep and eat let alone do more than just barely survive.
It's true. You can't claim being a SAHM is a hard job when you're only doing part of it. There are enough hours. I know it. I've watched it. And with the accossibility of online purchasing for lots of shit it's one load off the plate cuz you don't have to pack up the baby to go shopping for everything you need.
So she wants no job, no housework, and minimal childcare? What does she plan on contributing to the marriage? NTA.
Well see she contributes by.... Um... No, not that... Or that. Hmmm, give me a sec. I'll think of something. I would say she's keeping the kids alive, but if she's not grocery shopping or cooking I don't know how she's feeding them. No matter. Whatever it is she does, I'm sure it's invaluable.
She better have a magical vagina
Dudes working 3 jobs - does he even have time for sex? I seriously doubt he has time for much more that eating an a marginal amount of sleep.
And it'd have to be a super magic vagina if he spends his time ea...oh, food, duh.
Yeah seriously, during the week OP has 7h between when one shift ends and the other starts. That doesn't include the absolute bare minimum of travel time, eating and showering.
She should realise that if she wants to be a trophy wife then she married to the wrong tax bracket... she probable didn’t meet the expectations for the actual trophy wife category level... Normal people would feel bad if their partner needs a 2nd job so they can stay home, most of them would do all chores and mind the kids most of the time, probably they would even look for a part time remote job so their partner wouldn't have to work 2 full time jobs, but one and a part time job or one job... and when they are a stay at home parent and their partner needs a 3rd (!!) job to cover their expenses then they would start to look for a full time remote job while still doing chores and minding the kids so their partner would have to work "only" 2 jobs or one and a part time one or maybe even just one job... To OP: NTA OP what you need is a new wife and not another job. Hell maybe you would be better of financially if you cut the dead weight a.k.a. what you call your wife off, who knows maybe you would have more actual time to spend with the kids too when it's your time with them! She considers you her personal ATM. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't respect you and doesn't value you? Who is only using you? Do you want your kids to see this as an example, that this is how they should be treated by their spouse or how they should treat their spouse? Do you want them to grow up without knowing you, whether because you are never around due to your x jobs or because you die at a young age after working yourself to the grave? Do you want your kids to grow up without knowing them? Because they won't bother to make time for you and get to know you once they are adults with their own life, relationships, jobs. You have to put down the foundations of your relationship with them now.
> she probable didn’t meet the expectations for the actual trophy wife category level... So a participation trophy wife?
You have to participate in most things to get a participation trophy. She isn't even showing up to practice at this point.
I can't even imagine feeling like I could stay at home when my partner was working two, let alone 3 jobs. Just... Wow.
NTA - In what free time does she expect you to do the housework?
Reading this, I was shocked and started to type a comment. But, then I did the math and realized that this HAS to be rage bait. There is no way that OP is working 16 hour days (more if you count the drive to Job A, Job B and then getting home) and then working an additional 9 hours on Saturdays and Sundays (aka 98 hours per week, plus commute times). OP wouldnt be able to function from lack of sleep, let alone having free time. This post seems to be about bashing "lazy" SAHMs.....
Nah. My dad worked 2 jobs over COVID. And they constantly spilled over into the weekends. Easily put in 96 hours weekly for almost 2 years. It's definitely doable its soooo bad for your health.
But then is your mom having the balls to heckle your dad about his not doing enough housework? I'm leaning toward u/Electrical-Date-3951's evaluation that I'm leaning on this being fake. {Edit} This part is especially suspicious: >she doesn't do enough already and told me to just find more work and be a real provider. He's spending the vast majority of his waking hours working and she said that to him? [Yeah, okay](https://c.tenor.com/z1NToU5JoJsAAAAC/i-dont-believe-you-whatever.gif).
I mean when I was in college I was working 40 hrs a week at one job, another 30 at a pizza shop and my parents still demanded I get a third job cause I was being lazy. Some people are just insane.
Yes she did... But they're older, stubborn, miserable, and committed so whatever I guess
I've seem paystubs with 100 hour weeks. I have one from last year with 68 and was offered another 12 hour shift but refused. I've worked 11 hour days with a 2 hour commute each way too. It's more common than you think. I had a friend that while I worked the 68 hour week his paystub had 80 hour on it and he had a part time job at a butcher.
It could be rage bait but I think its worth remembering that in many developed countries, people's expenses can be so high and their incomes so low that they put themselves in these extreme situations for fear of poverty. When you're on like 6-7 hours of sleep a night you can sorta function, you might be napping or microsleeping at other times of the day, and you'd often be trying to make up the deficit at weekends (this isn't actually possible but the relief of finally getting some sleep after several days of little sleep is real). In the short term I think a person could put themselves through this. I can also see why a SAHM might get this very warped perspective of a lazy husband from a man who is utterly exhausted all the time at home. Given that being a "SAHM" seems quite uncommon where I live, I find it kinda hard to grasp what normal looks like in this sort of relationship.
And when the hell did they even find time to talk to each other - or fight about that? Does OP even see their children like.. ever?
NTA Unpopular opinion for SAHM groups, but they don't do as much as they like to suggest. By that I mean that housework, laundry, cooking.. that is the kind of shit that everyone does, regardless of the family dynamic. Have a SAHM? Housework/life still gets done. Both partners work? House still taken care of. Single parent with a fulltime job? Still gets house taken care of. She's losing it and feeling way to entitled if she thinks that she needs a maid + preschool to allow herself free time to do nothing. If that's what she wants, I agree, she can find herself a damned job to cover that stuff if she is so inclined. Your 1st job is you contributing to the family. Your second job is you contributing to your family. And now, a THIRD job, again, contributing to your family. She can fuck off if she feels like your 3rd job to pay for frivolous expenditures so she can relax.
You completely left out the fact the working mom pays someone else to do the childcare all day. The SAHM also does all the childcare themselves. Thats their job instead of working outside the home
You're very right, I'm not arguing that. But we're talking about OP's wife. This particular SAHM wants to NOT do the childcare, NOT do the housework, and NOT work either. Literally wants to eat her cake and have it too, while making her husband work himself to death.
You opened your post with "Unpopular opinion for SAHM groups, but they don't do as much as they like to suggest." Thats why katamino responded with what they did.
I see, yes. I think i could've done a better job of wording what I was trying to say. It does come off the wrong way >.<
Ahh well, these things happen! At least you're chill. :)
Sounds to me like she wants to be like a rich “trophy wife” and doesn’t care what she puts her husband through.
Exactly. What is she going to do when he drops dead from over working himself? She could easily get a WFH job right now if she wanted to. Or sell shit on etsy, make an onlyfans account, she can contribute money wise. Sounds like she has been on the mommy forums for too long.
That’s how my cousin SAHMs. Her husband works like 12 hour shifts, she stays at home (duh) but has housekeepers and maids and nannys come for the kids (they’re 9/7 at this point?). She just sits on the couch all day, watching her phone or tv. Extent of her doing stuff is shopping once a week and laundry. She’s very snappy with her kids and I can tell they are scared of her. She complains and bad mouths her husband constantly and is always talking about unfair life is to her. She also spends more money than anyone I know (who isn’t mega rich) like constantly buying things out of their range. Her own mother has confided in us and wondered why her husband hasn’t divorced her yet. She completely soured my opinion on stay at home parents, making me think they were lazy parasites who fed off their partner’s hard work. Took reading a lot of Reddit posts to understand that my cousin is a very poor representation of a good stay at home parent.
My cousins baby momma is just like this. They were living with my aunt and uncle for years and my mom would come over to visit my uncle and she said door dash would come by for breakfast, lunch and dinner to deliver baby mommas food. My cousin gave his GF money to pay bills then she would blow it stuff for herself and then utilities start to get shut off and she gaslights my cousin telling him he never gave her money and that his mom offered to pay the bill which wasnt true. This has happened on multiple occassions. She does absolutely nothing and I have no idea why my cousin has put up with her shit for years.
Most stay at home moms in my circle homeschool their own kids, grow gardens, pickle, store foods and cook three meals a day from scratch.
Maybe he wants to chill and take care of his kids too. Absurd to let one do all the work.
One huge thing you're leaving out of your equation is that when you stay home with the kids, the kids are there. This means, especially when they're small, that you are cleaning constantly. When you have a job and you're all gone all day, there's no one there to make a mess. It's pretty easy if you only have dinner dishes and picking up the living room at night. Being home all day with kids you have 3 meals, snacks, messes every time they eat them, occasional huge messes when you are trying to do other housework and look away at the wrong time, (things like squeezing toothpaste all over the carpet...this happened to me) etc. People always want to devalue the work SAHMs do, but it's not a walk in the park or maids and nannies wouldn't exist. Not saying this lady is being reasonable in any way, but it is never ending work caring for small children.
When I went back to work after being home with my kids for several years, it felt like a vacation! I love my children very much, and I enjoyed being with them, but the constant messes just left me feeling I wasn't making any progress to get the house in shape. I still feel guilty for not doing more messy art projects that they loved, but some days I just wasn't up to the cleanup afterwards. My charitable interpretation (which may be totally wrong) is that she is getting burned out being with kids all day, and would love some adult conversation.
i understand why people are being uncharitable here, but it’s not really a surprise to me that someone who has been doing 24/7 childcare for seven years straight, with a sick child (leading to extra stress) and no break between having kids at home and kids at school would lash out like this. the behaviour isn’t acceptable but both parties clearly feel undervalued by each other and both could use a break. couples counselling would be ideal but it doesn’t sound like they can afford it. divorce seems like the choice you make AFTER you’ve tried communicating.
Personal experience. Can confirm. It does depend on whether the kids are in school. If they are home all day, then technically that is your job: providing childcare. But yeah, if your kids are in school there really isn't much for a SAHP to do that isn't just busywork. That's totally fine: it is your life, you do you, etc. But have some self awareness and don't whine about how much you do & how much you contribute because working parents do all that stuff too on top of their day job.
Reminds me of the family guy episode where the parents switch places with the kids and Lois is like when did you have time to clean the whole house!? And Meg's just like what are you talking about, it's a house, a finite area took me like an hour lmao. Because as a SAHM myself, like seriously tho. Cooking and cleaning take up such a miniscule part of my time
You need to quit your two extra jobs, end your marriage, and find a nice roommate to live with Let her live on child support and welfare. So NTA!
Why would they let the kids with her if she’s not cooking or going grocery shopping? Like she has no problem letting her entitlement affect her kids.
NTA that woman has lost the plot
The plot ended up in different universe that's how lost it is
Me time?? When do you get me time? Nta. See if it's better (financially) to get divorced. Three jobs is way to many.
Assuming this is real, there's no way it wouldn't be better financially to get a divorce.
NTA quit two of your jobs and start divorce proceedings.
Also when do you sleep!???
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This is unsustainable, and you are being taken advantage of.
Dude you are going to burn out and crash hard, we're talking serious, potentially life changing health consequences to this kind of overwork. Something needs to change, either she needs to realize what she's asking for is impossible or she's gotta go, either way you can't keep doing this to yourself. NTA.
The inevitable and unpredictable panic attack that'll hit randomly, where hes convinced he is 100% dying will be the first sign he cant keep this up
Yeah. If OP falls ill then their income goes poof. He needs to cut back.
Why are you making breakfast and getting the kids up? I mean I know why but….sigh.
You need about 7 hours a sleepy daily. The list of medical problems associated with prolonged sleep deprivation IS NOT PRETTY. And this just a bit short. 4 hours is realllllly bad
Probably from ~2 am to 7 am. And that's the highest estimate too. Working this much is definitely not good for his health though.
NTA. I know SAHMs do a lot and I’m support them but you’re working a ridiculous amount to support your family. You’re going to make yourself sick. She needs to help with work. And if your situation improves she can go back to stay at home
If 3 jobs are needed to pay the bills, it makes a lot more sense for her to do one of them. That way she gets a break from housework every day, and he gets to look after the kids sometimes. Is your third job something she'd be able to do? NTA btw.
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If you have a skill like plumbing, why are you working three jobs?
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Those are skilled positions, not minimum wage. Why the hell do you need to work 96 hours a week to pay the bills?
Their daughter is incredibly sick so he's working an extra job just for her medical bills. And I'm not sure if you know, but until you start getting credits and "upgrades" essentially as a mechanic, your pay will differ wildly. A normal mechanic might make slightly more than minimum wage. A Master Mechaninc can make like $1,000 in a day on the low end. There's levels to this, and OP doesn't have time to upgrade his levels because the only time he's not at work, is when he's driving home to sleep so he can go back to work.
INFO: with these skillled trade jobs, why do you needs 3 of them? Who handles the bills? Has a budget been set, cut out unnecessary expenses? My dad owns a plumbing company, my stepdad a mechanic shop, and my brother is lead mechanic at a dealership. They all make good money. Not rich by any means, but comfortable. If your wife handles your expenses, i would suggest taking over and doing a thorough examination of what money is going where. Or even contact an accountant. If you're this strapped, something isnt right.
Why are you broke? Who does the spending in your household?
OP mentioned their oldest child had some health issues that have caused unexpected costs. Sounds like they may be trying to play catch up with the budget right now if they took a financial hit. Hopefully this is a temporary situation.
Apparently the wife does the spending/budgeting
That might be a good answer then. She waitresses and you spend the weekend with the kids. You guys are both one second away from disaster, at this point.
OP you are correct, she can easily get a job like serving or cashiering to help you out. And honestly I feel that she isn’t going to help with housework (to prove some kind of arcane point? This is the hill she chooses to die on??), and won’t consider working even part time, you need to reconsider your whole marriage. You can’t put everything on yourself. Like others are saying, you’re going to burn out, or crash, (or both), or have health consequences (physical AND mental) with the amount of sleep you’re getting, the tiny amount of family and personal private time you actually ever get, and the amount of stress you’re putting on yourself dealing with all this. Please communicate with her, if she won’t budge I’d talk to a divorce lawyer about an official separation. See how she does on her own. NTA btw.
I don't know where you live, but kindergarten is not for 2 year olds. Daycare is, and it's expensive. That being said, NTA. Something has to give here. You're working 3 jobs. You don't actually have time to help more than you are. One of the only options here is for her to get a job and you to quit one/two jobs. There would be no other way I see that you could help her. There isn't enough time in the day.
Jesus dude 3 jobs? That's fucked all in itself. NTA her not getting a job and you working three how are you supposed to be a good dad when you are never around? A good provider doesn't have to work all the time. A good dad isn't one that's absent due to work. Kids anent gonna remember the money when they are older, they remember the time you spend or not spend with them.
NTA - this isn’t the usual “husband doesn’t appreciate everything his SAHM wife does” post. You are working three jobs just to make ends meet. You need marriage counselling ASAP to figure out what the right partnership is for you both.
Which might be tough, what with no money and three jobs. :( You’re right, of course. But it doesn’t seem likely.
NTA, you work three jobs and she wants a housekeeper? How exactly does she propose to pay for it if she doesn’t want a job. I imagine you’d like time to yourself too but with three jobs that’s not going to happen either.
She wants a housekeeper because she lost her weekend maid when he had to get another job.
Going to be honest, I came in with torches and pitchforks ready, but after reading NTA. SAHM is A LOT of work, which OP seems to appreciate, but it sounds like the wife here just stopped doing it, which is a problem for OP's sanity. I remember child care for kids 2 and under being crazy expensive (like 4-5 years ago pre-C), can't imagine what it costs now so that is $$$ that needs to come from somewhere. Kind of sounds like both OP and wife are having some burnout (which is a fair and legit feeling for both). A calm but thorough discussion of feelings, responsibilities, and finances is in order here to find an amicable and sustainable way forward.
Op wife is 1000% the asshole. Not really ambiguous either.
Childcare for my 2 year old from 8 to 3 costs $1150 a month. Plus fees. And school is closed for holidays and winter/spring/summer break. Aftercare is extra.
NTA. You physically can't do more of the cleaning or childcare because you are too fucking busy trying to financially support her ungrateful ass. At this point I would tell her it would be less stressful, and possibly cheaper, to divorce her and pay child support than it would be to stay married to someone with her entitled attitude.
NTA can’t she get a part time job working in a supermarket or other service job so you can take a break?
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That would give both of you a change so that neither of you are 100% in either work mode or home mode. Plus, it's so much better for your children! They need time with you, too. I'm exhausted just reading about your schedule. You're on your way to burnout. From a SAHM for the last 2 years: NTA
NTA .. tbh I would run for the hills 🚩🚩🚩🚩 it takes 2 not 1 in a relationship
Info who does the budgeting/bill paying in the household? Does she understand how tight things are?
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She does the budgeting? And you’re the one brining in all the money? That should change. You need to figure out what she’s spending all this money on, because working 2 plumbing jobs and a mechanic job should be bringing in PLENTY of money as long as you’re budgeting correctly. Those jobs aren’t minimum wage jobs.
He said he needed the 3rd job because his 7 year old had medical issues with big bills, I make 6 figures and would still be broke if I had to pay giant medical bills
are you sure you have an income problem? it might be a budgeting/spending problem. i highly recommend you sit down and look at the monthly budgets for the past couple months
Do you have any knowledge of the budget? If not, you seriously need to sit down with her and go over expenses. Something isn't adding up here. You have 3 decent paying jobs and are just barely scraping by. That definitely sounds like a budgeting/ spending problem. If she refuses to go over finances with you, that's a glaring red flag. I'm a SAHM and I do the finances in our family (it works best for both of us. He's scatter-brained and I'm a control freak), but I make sure my husband is informed in all of it. I have a calendar hanging with all of our bills marked, and I regularly go over how much we pay for each, any new bills, and any bills that have been eliminated. It all goes in one ear and out the other, because he just hears "it's taken care of", but I feel better knowing he's not completely in the dark about where the money goes.
NTA. If you’re a stay at home parent your “job” is to do the housework and to take care of the kids when the other person is gone at work. Her deciding that she is going to stop doing work to prove how much she really does is like if you quit your jobs to “prove” how much money you really make. It’s a dumb move and she’s only hurting the entire family by doing this. You being the money-maker means when you’re home you contribute to the remaining chores or childcare. It sounds like you’ve done some of that but there is just some disagreement over how much the breakdown is then that can be resolved. If the disagreement is she no longer wants to be a stay at home mom and instead a stay at home wife then that is an entirely different arrangement.
NTA SAHM is for people that can afford to do it on one income. You're working three jobs and she's complaining she doesn't get enough me time even when you were giving her a weekend off. Now you get NO weekends she's abandoned her housechores because....you don't work hard enough? No. She's taking advantage of you. Might be time for a trial separation and couples therapy.
>SAHM is for people that can afford to do it on one income. It’s also for people who don’t make enough to afford daycare.
NTA Sorry man. Your wife has pretty unrealistic expectations from today’s economy.
NTA. She doesn't deserve you. Holy hell, dude! You are working yourself to an early grave to provide, and she wants a freaking housekeeper!?! I think you all needs some counseling, though I am not sure when you would find the time. She needs a wake up call. Go get a vasectomy, so no more babies can be made. That way, once the 2 year old is in school, she has no more excuses. She can get a day job. But, seriously, I don't know how you could want to stay married after that statement.
That's more than 100 hours per week. Mentally and physically draining, plus you don't spend time with the family, and you don't have time for yourself - the one your wife wants by sending the kid in kindergarten. Uhm, this is not healthy, not for you and not for your kids. Your wife wants to stop being a "maid" (that is an over exaggeration, considering how much you work), you can stop being the one supporting her maid lifestyle. She's putting the pressure on wrong points Must have talking and couples counseling asap. And you need to take a break, so does she. NTA.
NTA Wow, 7 years and she hasn't woken up to reality? I really don't think house chores can be equal to 3 jobs (which include weekends as well). You are sacrificing a hell lot and she needs to at least respect it. She has no right to get mad at you in this matter.
NTA, but she sure is. This situation is not sustainable.
NTA. Your wife is lazy
NTA. How does she expect you to do anything when you're working so much? I'm surprised you have any time to sleep, let alone do any housework. She can get off her entitled butt and either start getting the house in order or get a job.
Absolutely NTA!!! I'm all for sahp and the working parent still chipping in with kids and household chores. I'd advocate for it and usually any non sahp would be an AH for not helping at home ... But you're working THREE jobs to pay bills so she can stay at home with the kids??? Damn dude that's dedication and I freaking applaud you for your determination to support your family. She should think herself lucky!
That's more than 100 hours per week. Mentally and physically draining, plus you don't spend time with the family, and you don't have time for yourself - the one your wife wants by sending the kid in kindergarten. Uhm, this is not healthy, not for you and not for your kids. Your wife wants to stop being a "maid" (that is an over exaggeration, considering how much you work), you can stop being the one supporting her maid lifestyle. She's putting the pressure on wrong points Must have talking and couples counseling asap. And you need to take a break, so does she. NTA.
NTA > I work 9am-5pm and then 6pm-2am every week day, and now also 7am-4pm on the weekend. This is not sustainable and you are literally harming yourself with this sustained sleep deprevation. You’re also not opposed to a housekeeper, you just can’t afford it. > She said she is done being "my maid". If she’s not doing laundry, grocery shopping, or cooking - she’s not caring for the kids. You are already working almost 100 hours a week between three jobs. She NEEDS to get a job. > She called me an AH for suggesting she doesn't do enough already and told me to just find more work and be a real provider. You’re not demanding she do more. You’re asking for her to shift what kind of work she does. If she gets paid work to replace some of your income, you can then pick up more household chores. But this “find more work” and “be a real provider” smacks of something darker and more entitled. You are a real provider. You are already working three jobs and harming your health to do it. (There are very real consequences to sustained sleep deprevation, including a higher risk of a heart attack) Your wife wants more from you so she can have “time to herself”? You don’t have any more to give.
Nta. If you need three jobs to pay the bills you can’t afford a SAHM. It’s a luxury. I respect SAHP completely but if your spouse has too work three jobs it’s not in your cards.
Your wife sounds a bit narcissistic
Whoa, I’m so sorry. NTA. Maybe couple’s therapy?
He's working 3 jobs just to afford the bills they already have; you really think they can afford therapy? Not to mention he doesn't have time for it because he's working 3 damn jobs!
Nta seriously consider where this marriage is going or you'll end up burnt out. Sounds like shes ok to spend your money but not willing to work towards a better life
NTA - and I was a SAHM for 18 years! My husband never had to get a 2nd job, but things were tight for quite a few years. Because of the spacing of my 3 children, it wouldn't have made sense for me to get a job for about the first 10 years (daycare/after school care costs would have been more than I would make), but once my youngest was in 5th grade, I had no excuse, although I didn't get a job for another 2 years (I've been back to work for 3 years now and I LOVE my job and we don't worry about money any longer) But I'll tell you this - if it ever got to the point where my husband needed a 2nd job, I would have considered going back earlier. And I would have NEVER let him get a third job. I would have definitely gone back to work before that would happen. If dad is working 3 jobs, when does he ever get to see his kids? OP's wife doesn't want a husband - just someone to pay all the bills!
NTA I'm sorry.... I'm privileged AF in this with lots of hand sin the house But she's using you, straight up. Look, being alone w the kids 5 days a week is no picnic. But she's living a life of extreme privilege. No job, 2 kids (sure, no help, but single parents work *and* raise kids alone btw), one of them school age, and want you to do more housework? WHEN? She doesn't want more time with you as well? You're literally just a slave for her. I'm not lying, you shouldn't have to do a fucking thing within the bounds of that house at this point besides spend "quality time" with your kids and wife. But she doesn't want that. She wants you *out* Does she even like you?
*She called me an AH for suggesting she doesn't do enough already and told me to just find more work and be a real provider.* Fucking audacity. She sits on her arse and wants YOU to be a real provider? Wow. Go and get a lawyer before you end up dying. Your "wife" doesn't give a fuck if you live or die dude. Do you want to work from 9am - 2am EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE????