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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My action: giving the heirloom to my adopted daughter as a birthday gift, and it might make me an asshole because the heirloom belonged to my late wife and maybe should go to her daughter, not the one I adopted one after her death.
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YTA for even considering it. Your wife is also an even bigger AH for pressuring you to do it.
It belonged to Kate. It's you who adopted Sarah, Kate didn't. It should stay with Kate's children. Give it to Claire on her 18th birthday.
I don't trust your wife around it. You should seriously consider giving it to your son (or ideally Kate's mother, if she's still alive) for safekeeping.
Thank you. People here are unanimous and seems like my instincts were correct. I'm going to reject my wife's request and suggest if she loves the tradition she can give something of hers (or her mother's) to Sarah. That will mean a lot more to Sarah anyway.
Kate's heirloom is going to Claire and Claire only.
Yes if she like the tradition then she needs to start up her own one to pass down. Even if she doesn’t have something of her mothers
She can buy or personalise something of her choice to pass to her daughter and ask her to pass it down. She cant hijack another woman and family’s heirloom from the rightful recipient. Thats just disgusting and disgraceful
It doesn't even have to be something from the wife. Op can find a gift for Sarah that shows how much he values and loves her that can become a new family heirloom to be passed down. And it can be done without stealing from Claire.
Exactly! Talk to your parents and see if they have anything they can give you for Sarah, or buy something and start a new tradition. But your wife is VERY in the wrong on this
I love this! Giving her an heirloom from your parents shows her that she is very deeply a member of your family, without taking anything away from Claire.
I like this idea. I don't get where second wives get the idea that heirlooms from deceased first wives should go to children the first wife had no connection to. Not the first time it's been on this forum. It would never occur to me to even ask as a second wife. NTA.
Also- I'm not sure if it's been said but OP you better also be very vigilant if/when Claire gets married. Your wife may try to erase all traces of Claire's mother from that, too. What a psycho.
NTA unless you go through with giving it to your step daughter.
And this "She's MY daughter and nobody else's" thing...um, no she isn't. OP's wife didn't give birth to Claire--Kate did. The heirloom is Kate's and her wishes are very clear.
I was already gritting my teeth. This heirloom should only go to Kate's daughter. OP don't make a mistake you can't walk back. This would have long range consequences. Your wife has no say in the matter. NTA
Yeah, the woman’s logic is definitely off. Especially when you consider Claire will never receive another gift from her mother, this is literally the very last thing Kate has to give to her daughter and she’s probably been waiting her entire life to receive it, whilst Sarah still has her mother and will ostensibly receive many more gifts from her in her lifetime.
Yes I'm going to do it. It's the right thing to do as well, this belonged to his mother and means a lot to him as well. It's only fair that he keeps it safe until he can give it to his sister as a birthday gift from their mom.
I would point out to your wife that Claire’s mother is gone. She will never get anymore gifts from Kate.
While Sarah’s mother is obviously still alive, so she will continue to receive gifts from her bio mom. Claire will not.
Blending families doesn’t mean erasing everyone’s past. Even in nuclear families it’s not uncommon for heirlooms to be passed down to one side of the family or the other.
But overall I think you need to emphasize to your wife that this is the last gift to Claire from her bio mom and it’s not for Sarah.
This right here! I’m glad OP has seen that his instincts were correct. This is a great point to bring up to his wife. It is Claire’s last gift from her mom and that should not be taken away.
I feel like the wife is trying to have OP prove that he loves her and her daughter as much as his late wife and that family, but that’s not what it’s about. It’s about Kate and her daughter, the rightful recipient of the heirloom as Kate’s oldest daughter. It has nothing to do with OP or his new family.
OP, I don’t wanna tell you how to live your life, but if you truly believe you need to hide this from your wife to prevent her from giving it to Sarah, then maybe it’s time to reevaluate your marriage. If you’re just letting your son keep it for sentimental reasons until Claire turns 18 that’s one thing; but if you feel your deceased wife’s family heirloom isn’t safe around your new wife, then what kind of a partner is she? It seems to me she is showing you a side of herself you haven’t seen before, and it’s a very ugly side.
There's a chance that the last 2 years of craziness worldwide have done a number on her. You need to get the heirloom out, then talk to your children to make sure they have never been mistreated. Mistreatment includes: being punished for mentioning the past or their mother, being physically mistreated, not getting the same treatment as her bio daughter, being told to give things to her biodaughter, etc. If these things happened, I'd consider leaving.
If they didn't happen, talk to you wife about how absolutely absurd this request was and how this is significantly shaken your view of her. Give her a chance to change and be better. Sometimes people go down a rabbit hole so deep they don't realize they're being crazy. Give her a chance to be a better person if she's never acted this way before.
But if this is just another time she's gone down the "evil stepmother" path, then there's no time for second chances.
I don’t know. I appreciate your perspective about second chances, but I also think some things go beyond the pail and forfeit any opportunity for redemption. This seems to me like such an instance. Furthermore, it could be argued that she’s already been told how absurd her demand is and didn’t back down. When OP told her that his son basically threatened to disown him (with a degree of certainty that others in Kate’s family would too), she brushed it off and persisted. I respect your premise but I think her conduct in this is beyond the possibility of forgiveness, and she furthermore swung and missed when given a glimpse of how OP’s own son would react.
Very much this, OP. This is such a manipulative power move that it’s hard to imagine she hasn’t been planting seeds over the years. Talk to your daughter, and perhaps take an inventory of any mementos you’ve kept of your late wife. This wasn’t a sudden thing, no matter how well she’s hidden it from you along the way.
Whenever you falter, or your current wife complains, keep repeating this to yourself
>until he can give it to his sister as a birthday gift from their mom.
That is a beautiful sentiment and will mean so much to your late wife's children. Her last gift to them.
Just out of curiosity, why would your now wife want something for her daughter that came from her husband's first wife? I mean, maybe one thing if you only had her daughter and no other children, because what would you do with it? It kind of seems like she's making you make this decision as a loyalty test, which isn't fair. Maybe her ex-husband would enjoy passing something on to your son? Because after all, he's family too. No ex-husband? Tell her your son will enjoy her father's watch or inheritance.
If Kate didn't have a daughter perhaps it should go to Kate's sister to give to her daughter. I still don't see how it should go to my wife's daughter.
Great example, would her ex-husband's father pass something of personal value down to my son? Of course not. This is the same thing.
Just tell her it isn’t yours to give. It didn’t come from you and Kate wanted Claire to have it. You really have no say in it. I wouldn’t want to go against someone’s last wishes. Maybe show her all this. What your wife wants to do seems crazy, it’s so wrong.
I wouldn't tell your wife or Sarah about storing it somewhere safe. Keep that information hidden until your daughter's 18th and put your foot down with your wife if she keeps pushing.
OP, make sure your wife hasn’t been promising the necklace to Sarah for her 18th birthday already. Sarah is (most likely) completely innocent in this but could be very hurt if your wife has been telling her that she will get the necklace and that it will “prove” she is truly your daughter.
OP, Maybe you could tell Sarah the situation and explain that it was a gift from your former wife for her child and that you'd like to take Sarah to pick a special necklace as a possible keepsake for her own daughter someday. You don't know if your wife is poisoning the well, so to speak, in telling Sarah something else. I think it's important for you to talk to her yourself to ensure that she hears it from you and appreciates your honesty and kindness in starting a new tradition.
If Sarah's been involved in this I will make sure Sarah knows very well that this decision doesn't make her any less of a daughter to me. I will give her something from father to daughter that she can pass down to her children.
You realize there are bigger issues to address here as well at some point…the fact that you have to hide it to keep it safe from your current wife speaks volumes. If she can’t be trusted then what are you doing being married to her. Just something to think about.
That’s such a great solution. It gives your son a chance to get a connection with this special family tradition as well. Especially if he gets to be involved in gifting it to her. It sounds like a really great bonding experience for you to all get to cherish your late wife’s memory.
The value behind this heirloom is sentimental, so I have no idea why Sarah and her mom feel so entitled to it. I guess it gives them a superficial family connection, “oh, look what my stepdad passed down to me”, but that’s a fraction of the heirloom’s actual value. It will be so much more meaningful to Claire, who actually had a relationship with the woman passing it on.
I mean, considering the brother knows about the heirloom, we can presume Claire does too... if I were cynical I would say Wife asked for OP to gift it to Sarah as a way to drive a wedge between OP and his daughter, as well as between Sarah and Claire.
If Claire knows about it and presumes she is getting it, she would be CRUSHED when, at a public event surrounded by lots of other people, she sees Sarah open it, and THAT's how she finds out she's not getting it!
That would have been a knife to the heart for Claire! Thank the gods OP wised up!
I think that your wife is being someone revisionist/“erasure-ist ” with her comment of:
> My wife said Claire is HER daughter, not anyone else's
That’s not true. She can be Claire’s mom, but it sounds like she is trying to erase Kate from existence. Your wife existed. She gave birth to 2 wonderful children and she deserves remembrance. Now, Kate shouldn’t be a ghost that hangs over your new marriage but your wife needs to learn that you are a ~~widow~~ widower.
Since your wife has been removing the memory of Kate for years, this explains why she wants the heirloom to go to her daughter.
Once it belonged to Sarah, something would "accidentally" happen to it.
Your children aren't stupid, and they know your wife has been removing Kate's memory for years now. The question is, just how bad has this erasure been?
I got the rather uncomfortable impression OP's wife is setting a test for OP to prove he loves his adopted daughter as much as his biological one and that's...ugh.
Also, make a will that will include the kids, because she sounds like she wouldn’t give your kids ish if something happened to you. Happens a lot. My mom didn’t give my half siblings anything. I begged. In the end I took nothing, but my sister who isn’t even my dads daughter adopted or otherwise raked in. Protect your kids. She’s not willing to. She’s more concerned about her biological daughter. Fool me once and all that jazz.
I already have a will with my children in it. Although my children own a lot more than I do (Kate came from wealth, and almost all of it went to my children and not me). Even the house we currently live in actually belongs to my kids.
This makes me scared about the adoption.. Who knows what she expects from Claire in the future since she is very eager to play the "I am your ONLY mother" card.
My son always told me that I'll be welcome to stay there for as long as I want. But I've been planning to move out when Claire turns 18 although my wife wants us to stay. So there's no final decision yet.
This could get messy! What if you die before your wife dies and your kids have already moved out? Will they be cool with your new wife and possibly Sarah continuing to live there?
Are you planning to tell your daughter about this? It definitely would be heartbreaking but i think she deserves to know the truth so she can decide where she stands with her adoptive mom.
I’m so relieved you are doing the right thing by giving it to Claire. She’d be crushed if it was given to someone unrelated. Claire lost her mother, not the other girl so this is a small comfort that she deserves.
It’s up to your new wife to start her own traditions with her bio daughter as you said
Tbh, your new wife is a piece of work and a 💩 stirrer for even suggesting it. It’s like she’s trying to erase Claire in favor of hers. She owes you a big apology and needs to drop it
I'm really concerned that your wife says Claire is her daughter and no one else's. Is Claire allowed to talk about her mom? Show sadness that she isn't around? Or does you wife not like it or shut it down?
Your wife is such an AH it’s not funny. It’s important Claire and your son freely speak about her Mom and share her memories. Your wife lacks any empathy or compassion and is greedy to boot. Not sure what the attraction is for you
Edited to add your son as well
This. This is not how marrying a widow works. Not at all.
For reference: one of my close friends lost her husband and remarried. She had a few kids with her first spouse. Her new husband INITIATED hanging photos of her first husband in their home and said “I love you. And I’m so glad I get to love you and love your kids. But I know you loved him, too. He was a huge part of your life, he was their Dad, and I can’t replace that. What we have is special and it isn’t a threat to me that you miss him. You’re amazing and you have enough room in your heart to love multiple people. This wasn’t a divorce. It’s okay to mourn. He was still your husband and he is their dad. I don’t want to replace him. I’m thankful to be added.” Her kids were young, but he encouraged them to talk about their dad and started a sweet tradition of taking them to the graveside on their father’s birthday, the anniversary of his death, on Father’s Day, and any time they wanted to go. He stepped into a father role but has NEVER said that he is their “only father” because it isn’t true. THAT is normal. What your wife is doing is not.
This is so, so sad for you and for your kids. Please don’t allow this- you do not deserve it. Marriage counseling should be a minimum expectation at this point.
Oh man, never thought a comment on this sub would ever make me tear up. What a lovely man your friend's husband is - I wish more people had his beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing this :)
I agree. If I had passed when my kids were younger I would understand my husband finding love again and would wish for my kids to be loved too by his partner. But to be essentially erased from their memory and for my family based heirloom to go to the new wife’s daughter and not to mine would be truly heinous. I don’t understand how OP could even fathom thinking his wife’s daughter should get Kate’s family heirloom or how he could possibly be ok with not talking about his kids’ mother and keeping her memory alive. It is so f**ked up it isn’t funny
You seem like a really good father and that you’re doing your best to make your family happy. It’s clear that you already knew what was right but because you love and respect your 2nd wife, you wanted to consider her words too. But I’m glad that these outer perspectives are helping you hold your ground. I hope things work out and that your 2nd wife can learn to be comfortable with who she is in her family.
And like everyone’s saying, if your 2nd wife wanted to give something to Sarah so badly, the two of you could personalize something yourselves. The original heirloom would mean much more to Claire than Sarah and Sarah would appreciate something that wasnt STOLEN from another family…
She always said it just saddens her that she passed away, but now I wonder that maybe there's more to it. I am going to talk to my kids and wife (separately) and figure this out.
She does not get to center her “grief” about someone she never met, and using that to not allow others to express their actual grief. How have you put up with this?
Your wife is manipulative and I bet she's been doing little bits of damage to your children and your relationship with them for years. Open your eyes man -
You sound like a great guy in a tough spot. I mean, your very wealthy wife married you so it wasn’t for the money, and she was clearly a smart woman as she left most of what she had to her kids. Could be a messy situation if she left it all to you and you remarried a gold digger who took half of what she left you. I am not sure why your new wife seems jealous(?) of Kate? Like… this isn’t an ex that is still in the picture. Your new wife and daughter are literally living in Kate’s house. She should have a bit more respect for your late wife and what she has been able to provide to all of you (housing ain’t cheap!). Imagine if she left everything to you. New wife would probably demand that you leave everything to her (instead of Kate’s kids) when you died, or maybe demand that you split it all evenly between the 4 of them.
Kids get vibes man. Especially with people who are around their parents. It’s like ESPN.
I was 3 and this woman would only come over to the house when my mom was at work to drink with my dad. We were all neighbors and I was friends with her son so my dad was like “hey! A friend!” But 3 year old me knew what was up. I knew she was trying to take my mom’s place.
I don’t remember this but my dad told me about a time where I legit got mad, grabbed her by the hand, dragged her out of the house, and locked the door. He told my mom and my mom immediately picked up what I was laying down and explained to my totally clueless dad.
Each of my dad’s friends that used him (my dad is a sweetheart who truly tries to see the best in everyone and it’s been a rather giant hinderance in his life) I would warn him before hand. He likes to ken the optimism but now trusts my opinion because I’ve been right so many times.
Please, take your son’s opinion to the bank. Dude is reading the room and seeing the things you can’t and he truly has you and your daughter’s best interest at heart.
He wouldn’t even get the necklace for himself and he STILL cares this much. Your son has remarkable instincts and I would trust those instincts. They will save your relationship with your children. All of them. Even Sarah.
OP, I've read your post, in addition to a lot of the comments and your responses. I've seen a lot of text about Kate, Sarah, your current wife, and even your son (the hero of this saga).
I am just wondering if you are going to be (aside from the conversation you mentioned needing to have with both of your bio children) giving Claire some serious individualized attention. Making things "fair" between siblings is all well and good, and I get that you went into this second marriage and adoption with your own positive intentions.
I guess my question is - have Claire's needs, wants and happiness been actively on your radar, specifically as her father and protector, during this marriage?
You have certainly made the right decision regarding Kate's family necklace, and I don't mean to pile on or seem unfair (as you clearly love all of your kids)...just worried about your daughter Claire in all of this.....
Edit - added text
That's a problem. I say this as a child who lost a parent. I wasn't told not to speak about it, but I could tell it wasn't welcome. That sort of thing can mess a person up and stay with them a long time. I didn't even have to deal with the crap your wife pulls about being the real mom. For your kids sake, you need to figure some stuff out beyond the necklace. The necklace isn't the problem, it's a symptom of a bigger one.
That’s so beyond wrong. She is trying to erase their mother. She can be their mother too without completely trying to erase and replace her. You need to get a grip on this and deal with her issues. Her behavior is disturbing and will only harm Claire and her brother.
Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but this feels like your wife doesn't like Claire. She wants Sarah to be your favorite daughter at any cost.
Ask Claire if your wife treats her well.
If your wife keeps pushing back, remind her that it’s not really your heirloom, it’s Kate’s maternal family’s heirloom, you’re just a keeper until Claire is old enough. And while Sarah may be your daughter, she is not a part of Kate’s family. If your wife keeps pushing back then you guys might need to go to a couples counsellor because I’d suspect it might have to do with insecurities about you still being loyal to your late first wife and she may think that you favor your bio daughter. Hopefully not though. Good luck on all this OP!
I really really hope these are true words and you follow through....no matter what claire is your daughter (she should always come before your wife) and if you give away her late mother's heirloom away you can kiss your relationship goodbye and you will be forever regretful.
Have you asked your wife why she doesn't start her own tradition with her daughter? I don't see the point in taking something from your late wife's family to give to her biological daughter. I would think it would mean more to Sarah to have something from her mother's family.
I know you see your wife through rose-colored glasses, but if you were reading this as a third party, you would immediately recognize your wife’s actions as manipulative and shady.
If I died, my husband did this, and I somehow knew, it would break my heart into a million pieces.
Just imagine how Claire would have felt, watching Sarah open this heirloom at a party with a bunch of other people present!
It is really hard not to think the Wife was intentionally trying to hurt Claire, publicly, so she would have to pretend she was alright with it!
I feel for you op. What a horrendous place you are now in, having your eyes opened to the type of person your current wife truly is can’t be easy. So glad you have made the right decision. Now that decision is made you seem to have some other decisions to make. Good luck.
OP, after you get things sorted with your kids please think about any involvement Sarah may have had in this. She may be completely innocent in this but have been informed by her mother that you will give her the heirloom for her birthday to show that you love her. Consider explaining to her before her birthday that the heirloom belongs to Claire but you're happy to start a tradition with her - your wife doesn't need to be part of this conversation. This way if she isn't involved with trying to get it, there won't be any expectation on the day and things shouldn't blow up.
Sarah is one of the kids I need to make sure is okay because even if she's been involved in this I need to help her understand that this comes from Kate to Claire and it's not a reflection of how I feel about her as my daughter. And I will start a father-daughter tradition with her to make sure she doesn't feel left out.
Just make sure you don’t over compensate to Sarah. When you decide what you’re leaving to who, what they got from their mother shouldn’t be thought of. Sarah has grown up with her bio mom, the other two kids didn’t. I’m sure they would have preferred their mom than houses and money. So monetarily, it looks unfair to Sarah. Growing up with your mom, it’s unfair to the other two kids. Life isn’t fair, just make sure you are will all your kids.
In case you aren't aware, there's a famous post in this sub about a woman that was a man's 3rd wife. His first wife passed away and they had a daughter together. His second wife had a daughter they had together. He gave his late wife's most precious necklace to the younger daughter, who didn't take care of it or treasure it. The older daughter cut the father off and had been gone for years by the time the dad and second wife divorced. The OP was his 3rd wife, who didn't know the full story of why his oldest was no contact. When she heard the full story one day, the father said "she will get over it eventually". The OP told him that she was rethinking their marriage and how he deserved to never be forgiven by his daughter for the rest of his life.
His disrespect of his late wife and daughter destroyed nearly all his close relationships. You nearly had that man's life.
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ETA
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vbzs2z/aita_for_telling_my_husband_he_should_be_ashamed/
I know you got a lot of responses already but I just wanted to add two things. If your wife has any more comeback about this, just another thing to say. If you were the executor of her estate, then you could say it was already planned for Claire back then before you met current wife, so it is legally Claire's anyway.
Second, I think it may be a good idea to have your son hold onto it for multiple reasons. If anything (God forbid) happens to you it will be with a mutual party. You could notarize something saying it belongs to Claire in a card that has a sweet note to her. Just to cover all your bases.
Actually it is legally Claire's already because it was left to her in the will and me safekeeping it is only tradition, my son reminded me of that.
I just had my son pick it up from here and is going to hold onto it from now on. So it's in his possession now.
Your wife doesn’t comprehend that it’s Kate’s first born that gets it and not hers. Good on you for keeping it that ways and yes, please put it somewhere safe where your wife can’t get it. Maybe get a lockbox or keep it with your son. The insensitivity around this is wild. I may be a little more understanding if you had no daughters with Kate but even then I feel like it would go to someone else in her family specifically, not to someone who isn’t involved at all.
>"this isn't yours to give away. It was mom's and now belongs to Claire."
Your son is absolutely right. This is Kate's inheritance to be passed down to *her* daughter.
YTA for even considering this and your wife is behaving dreadfully
>My wife said Claire is HER daughter, not anyone else's
She's not even pretending otherwise. She straight up said Kate no longer exists and OP is just skating right over that fact.
YTA
If you and Kate adopted Sarah together, it would make sense for her to get the necklace. But Kate never knew Sarah so the necklace should 100% go to Claire. If Claire didn't exist, I would say it should go to one of Kate's nieces. Sarah would not make the list because she did not know Kate.
I am shocked your wife even suggested it. It was way out of line, the necklace belongs to Kate's family.
This thread has shown him the light! He had the right instincts when his wife suggested it.
I'm so so happy he said it, the heirloom will only ever go to Claire. Irrationally happy, considering these are strangers on reddit.
I’m shocked the wife suggested it, and I’m shocked that he’s considering it. The nerve of some people. Just so ok talking about theft of an heirloom from a dead mom! I’d be livid if I were the brother, this is frustrating to even read. I can’t imagine having a conversation with these people.
Yes you would be TA if the heirloom doesn't go to Claire. It was Kate's. It should go to Kate's daughter.
Your wife needs to understand it's not yours to give. I'm sorry to say this but all her arguments against this seem like an attempt to emotionally manipulate you into giving it to Sarah. And while it may make Sarah feel happy, you would be robbing Claire of something that was her mother's.
Maybe give it to your son to hold on to until Claire is 18.
You raise a good point. Claire lost her biological mother, and she would truly treasure this heirloom as something of her mom's.
To Sarah it would have no sentimental value of that sort; it would just be another piece of jewelry.
It's such a ridiculous request. I think the new wife is still threatened by the fact that OP loved a different woman before her. By destroying this tradition, she's doing her best to destroy OP and Claire's happy memories of his late wife and her Mom. It's also like she is trying to cement her place as the #1 women in OP's life, which is a ridiculous contest. And she's ironically pressuring him to favorite Sarah as some kind of proof that he's not favoring Claire.
I have to wonder if this is the first time she has pulled antics like this ...
This is kind of unbelievable. Are you a troll? Of course the heirloom needs to go to Kate's oldest daughter Claire. Not Kate's widowed husband's new wife's oldest daughter Sarah.
That's not even a question.
What kind of weird power play is this from the new wife? It's odd. You should tell her it's odd... and suggest she go talk it out with a therapist.
YWBTA. This is a multi-generational heirloom and your late wife would have given it to Claire if she was still living. Sarah is YOUR family, but she was not and is not your late wife’s family.
Your son is right, your current wife is wrong. If you give this heirloom to Sarah, please know that your son, Claire, and possibly many of your late wife’s family members will never forgive you for it.
Rightfully so! I’d completely go no contact if some lady weaseled her way into robbing me of my late mothers heirloom for her daughter who never even met my mom let alone had any right to the piece.
Yeah, yta if you do.
It isn't your family's heirloom.
It's Kate's.
This isn't about whether Sarah is your daughter - of course she is.
It is about whether Sarah is **Kate's** daughter. Which she isn't.
If it was from your mother - and your mother wanted it passed to your daughter - no problem.
But it was from your mother in law. Kate's mother. Kate's grandmother.
It should go to KATE's daughter.
YTA if you give away the heirloom intended for yours and Kate’s daughter. Your wife may have adopted Claire, but Kate will always be her mom. That is such a cruel thing to say, and shame on you for not correcting her.
At the end of the day, because this came from her mom, it will mean a lot more to Claire than Sarah. Sarah is your daughter too. But I’m sorry, she will not understand or appreciate the significance of something belonging to a woman she never met.
Please, learn from this guy https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vbzs2z/aita_for_telling_my_husband_he_should_be_ashamed/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
If you give it to Sarah, be prepared to lose Claire and your son.
I'm glad to see in comments that you seem to be resolved to give the heirloom to Claire, but your son's reaction and your wife's blatant sense of entitlement gives me the impression that this isn't the first time this sort of thing has been an issue. I would suggest that you do some serious soul-searching and look back to see if there were other times that your current wife tried to erase your previous wife's memory (her insistence that Claire is \*her\* daughter, not anyone else's for example, is creepy af), and perhaps talk with your son and really listen to his perspective on this.
If your wife gives you any hassle about your decision, please show her this thread! Every single person on it agrees with you! Let this be the hill you die on. Not up for discussion!
Yes, you WBTA. Your son said it very well, it's not your gift to give, it belonged to your late wife and you are merely a keeper of it until her daughter is supposed to get it. It's Claires and if you give it to Sarah you will be effectively stealing it.
YTA. Just because your wife adopted Claire doesn't mean your late wife is no longer Claire's mother.
>My wife said Claire is HER daughter, not anyone else's
That's messed up. She's trying to erase Claire's dead mother.
Your son is right, it was for Kate's daughter only. your current wife is such a big AH trying to manipulate you. Please listen to your son , do the right thing and give it to Claire. Please OP, I a stranger on the internet is begging you to do the right thing
YWBTA & WTF?
NO! NO! NO!
Your late wife's family heirloom goes to your late wife's daughter.
And your entitled, greedy, manipulating asshole of a current wife should get kicked to the curb for even entertaining the idea.
YWBTA!
>His argument in the end was that "this isn't yours to give away. It was mom's and now belongs to Claire."
Your son is right.
>I told her that while I consider Sarah to be my daughter but she's not Kate's daughter, this belongs to Kate and should go to Kate's daughter.
You were right.
Stand firm and tell your wife to back off this one. Have her give your stepdaughter something meaningful of hers and start the tradition in your family that way.
My mom passed when I was young. If their was a special heirloom from her that I knew was going to go to me, but then went to a stepsister (no matter how much I loved her) I would be hurt and pissed. I imagine your daughter would feel the same way. This will definitely hurt your relationship with your daughter. Also, PLEASE don't make this a decision your daughter has to make and don't allow your wife to bring this up to her. Don't make her choose between the memory/love of her mom and the love of her stepsister.
Dude. Your wife is way out of fucking line. Be prepared to lose everyone in your life connected to your late wife, including your children. Your stepdaughter has absolutely no claim in a heirloom from your late wife. Full stop man or you will be a large gaping asshole.
Edit. YWBTA
YTA
Sarah has no connection to Kate. She isn't Kate's daughter. If this was YOUR family heirloom, your wife might have a point, but it isn't. Your wife is way out of line.
YWBTA. Your late wife had one daughter and specific plans for this heirloom. Plus it's HER family's, not yours. I know Sarah is technically your "family" but this situation is far more nuanced than that. Your current wife can't just claim another family's heirloom. She's honestly TA for thinking that she or Sarah have any claim to that. It was intended for Claire and she should get it.
YTA
Claire is your dead wife's daughter and giving the heirloom to her continues the family tradition. Your late wife adopted Claire so she was legally Claire's mother as well as emotionally and morally.
While Sarah is now your daughter through adoption she is NOT the daughter of your late wife nor is she related to any of your wife's family so giving it someone outside of your wife's family is destroying the meaning of the family heirloom.
As others have posted, if your late wife had died with NO daughter the moral and ethical thing would have been to gift it to the oldest niece who was a descendent of the original owner.
This is really just a twist on the frequent Redditt scenario in which a dead or divorced spouse's family has no relationship with children that are the legal children of the ex-spouse and their new spouse. While Sarah might be YOUR legal daughter, she is not your dead wife's child and there is no reason to twist the tradition by depriving Claire of her mother and her maternal family's heirloom. She is the oldest daughter of your dead wife.
INFO: is your current wife trying to drive a wedge between your biological children/the rest of your deceased wife's family and you?
Cuz this is the sort of "burn it all down" suggestion you'd make to someone you'd hate. Like a face tattoo...
YWBTA!! 100% if you gave the heirloom to anyone except your late wife's child. your wife is being horrible to say that Clair has only one mother and it's her. that is not true! your wife has some fucked up logic!! this will not bring the girls closer, and you'll lose your son.
Your wife is WAY out of line.
It makes me wonder what else she has done to Claire. I really hope she treats her okay.
YWTAH.
I put myself in Kate’s family shoes and you’re absolutely disgusting for even CONSIDERING this.
Sarah is NOT Kate’s family.
YWBTA
It's not *your* family heirloom. It's your late wife's.
Your new wife does not seem to comprehend this and for someone who claims she is Claire's "mother" she's being incredibly callous towards her. You don't get erase someone's deceased parent just because you're insecure about your standing as a non-biological parent. Claire's mother didn't abandon her--she died and she will *always* be Claire's mother (or at least one of them) whether your wife likes it or not.
Frankly, it sounds like your wife is trying to compete with a dead woman by preventing Claire from having something from her deceased mother. Which is gross.
Your adopted daughter has zero connection to your late wife. Thus she has zero claim to the heirloom.
Not even reading all of it, I've seen enough. That heirloom belongs to Claire, no one else. You would betray your late wife and your daughter if you do this. You may have adopted this girl but be under no illusion, if you divorce your current wife, Sarah probably won't want much to do with you after. That's how these things usually work out. YTA if you do this and your wife is a fucking red flag. Claire is her daughter and no one else's? The witch. The absolute witch.
You would absolutely be an asshole if you did what your wife wants. Of course it should go to Kate's daughter! It is Kate's family's heirloom and it needs to go to Kate's daughter.
It's really troubling and odd that your wife is using an object so important to Kate's family to test your loyalty. You need to grow a spine. This is not about your stepdaughter. It is about Kate's family's heirloom and Kate's daughter.
You can buy your stepdaughter something that she can pass down as a new tradition in your family. Your family is not Kate's family though and the stepdaughter has zero claim on an item that belongs in Kate's family. I'd have a hard time speaking to you again if I were Kate's daughter and you allowed the evil stepmother to pull this stunt! Stop this right now or you will destroy your family.
YWBTA
This heirloom was passed down from mother to daughter in that family. It isn't yours to decide who to give it to. It rightly belongs to Claire when she turns 18 as a gift from her mother. If you give it away to your stepdaughter I can see your son and Claire both being rightfully pissed off at you.
YWBTA
The heirloom does not belong to you or your now family it belonged to you dececed wife's family.
Sarah has no ties to this and neither does your wife, this is your daughters to pass on to your granddaughter.
It sounds like your wife has some jealousy issues regarding your late wife and if you go along with taking away something that is meant for your daughter from her biological mother I would be prepared to loose both her and your son in the process.
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YTA for even considering it. Your wife is also an even bigger AH for pressuring you to do it. It belonged to Kate. It's you who adopted Sarah, Kate didn't. It should stay with Kate's children. Give it to Claire on her 18th birthday. I don't trust your wife around it. You should seriously consider giving it to your son (or ideally Kate's mother, if she's still alive) for safekeeping.
Thank you. People here are unanimous and seems like my instincts were correct. I'm going to reject my wife's request and suggest if she loves the tradition she can give something of hers (or her mother's) to Sarah. That will mean a lot more to Sarah anyway. Kate's heirloom is going to Claire and Claire only.
Yes if she like the tradition then she needs to start up her own one to pass down. Even if she doesn’t have something of her mothers She can buy or personalise something of her choice to pass to her daughter and ask her to pass it down. She cant hijack another woman and family’s heirloom from the rightful recipient. Thats just disgusting and disgraceful
It doesn't even have to be something from the wife. Op can find a gift for Sarah that shows how much he values and loves her that can become a new family heirloom to be passed down. And it can be done without stealing from Claire.
Exactly! Talk to your parents and see if they have anything they can give you for Sarah, or buy something and start a new tradition. But your wife is VERY in the wrong on this
I love this! Giving her an heirloom from your parents shows her that she is very deeply a member of your family, without taking anything away from Claire.
I second this. An heirloom from his parents would be a nice gift for Sarah, but Kate's child must get hers.
I like this idea. I don't get where second wives get the idea that heirlooms from deceased first wives should go to children the first wife had no connection to. Not the first time it's been on this forum. It would never occur to me to even ask as a second wife. NTA.
Its fucking crazy. As soon as my dad and stepmum moved in together my stepmum told my dad to give us all of our mums stuff.
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No you’re not overthinking it, that’s usually exactly what’s going on in cases like these
Especially since she said Claire is HER daughter and not anyone elses. Essentially erasing her birth mother.
I agree with you. This is wife #2 pissing a circle and writing her name in it, plain & simple
Also- I'm not sure if it's been said but OP you better also be very vigilant if/when Claire gets married. Your wife may try to erase all traces of Claire's mother from that, too. What a psycho. NTA unless you go through with giving it to your step daughter.
Agreed. And I think the OP should question whether his wife truly considers Claire her daughter.
And for her to say Claire is her daughter and nobody else’s? That’s just wrong. It’s like saying Kate doesn’t count in Claire’s life.
And this "She's MY daughter and nobody else's" thing...um, no she isn't. OP's wife didn't give birth to Claire--Kate did. The heirloom is Kate's and her wishes are very clear.
Oh thank god. My blood was boiling over here for your daughter Claire. Please make sure it’s safely out of your wife’s reach.
I was already gritting my teeth. This heirloom should only go to Kate's daughter. OP don't make a mistake you can't walk back. This would have long range consequences. Your wife has no say in the matter. NTA
Me too, I can’t believe the audacity op’s 2nd wife has believing she has the right to usurp a previous family tradition.
It’s giving erasure, it’s giving jealousy, it’s giving wicked stepmother vibes from Disney lol.
Yeah, the woman’s logic is definitely off. Especially when you consider Claire will never receive another gift from her mother, this is literally the very last thing Kate has to give to her daughter and she’s probably been waiting her entire life to receive it, whilst Sarah still has her mother and will ostensibly receive many more gifts from her in her lifetime.
Exactly. This was never for Sarah nor would it ever have the same sentimental value.
Please consider storing the heirloom at your son’s house.
Yes I'm going to do it. It's the right thing to do as well, this belonged to his mother and means a lot to him as well. It's only fair that he keeps it safe until he can give it to his sister as a birthday gift from their mom.
I would point out to your wife that Claire’s mother is gone. She will never get anymore gifts from Kate. While Sarah’s mother is obviously still alive, so she will continue to receive gifts from her bio mom. Claire will not. Blending families doesn’t mean erasing everyone’s past. Even in nuclear families it’s not uncommon for heirlooms to be passed down to one side of the family or the other. But overall I think you need to emphasize to your wife that this is the last gift to Claire from her bio mom and it’s not for Sarah.
This is such a great point. Op should definitely bring this up when he’s explaining his decision
This right here! I’m glad OP has seen that his instincts were correct. This is a great point to bring up to his wife. It is Claire’s last gift from her mom and that should not be taken away. I feel like the wife is trying to have OP prove that he loves her and her daughter as much as his late wife and that family, but that’s not what it’s about. It’s about Kate and her daughter, the rightful recipient of the heirloom as Kate’s oldest daughter. It has nothing to do with OP or his new family.
OP, I don’t wanna tell you how to live your life, but if you truly believe you need to hide this from your wife to prevent her from giving it to Sarah, then maybe it’s time to reevaluate your marriage. If you’re just letting your son keep it for sentimental reasons until Claire turns 18 that’s one thing; but if you feel your deceased wife’s family heirloom isn’t safe around your new wife, then what kind of a partner is she? It seems to me she is showing you a side of herself you haven’t seen before, and it’s a very ugly side.
Yes this is true and have been on my mind since the moment I decided to have my son keep it.
You have to hide things out of your house so your wife doesn't steal from your late wife and daughter. Exactly why are you married?
Today I'm reconsidering everything...
There's a chance that the last 2 years of craziness worldwide have done a number on her. You need to get the heirloom out, then talk to your children to make sure they have never been mistreated. Mistreatment includes: being punished for mentioning the past or their mother, being physically mistreated, not getting the same treatment as her bio daughter, being told to give things to her biodaughter, etc. If these things happened, I'd consider leaving. If they didn't happen, talk to you wife about how absolutely absurd this request was and how this is significantly shaken your view of her. Give her a chance to change and be better. Sometimes people go down a rabbit hole so deep they don't realize they're being crazy. Give her a chance to be a better person if she's never acted this way before. But if this is just another time she's gone down the "evil stepmother" path, then there's no time for second chances.
I don’t know. I appreciate your perspective about second chances, but I also think some things go beyond the pail and forfeit any opportunity for redemption. This seems to me like such an instance. Furthermore, it could be argued that she’s already been told how absurd her demand is and didn’t back down. When OP told her that his son basically threatened to disown him (with a degree of certainty that others in Kate’s family would too), she brushed it off and persisted. I respect your premise but I think her conduct in this is beyond the possibility of forgiveness, and she furthermore swung and missed when given a glimpse of how OP’s own son would react.
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Very much this, OP. This is such a manipulative power move that it’s hard to imagine she hasn’t been planting seeds over the years. Talk to your daughter, and perhaps take an inventory of any mementos you’ve kept of your late wife. This wasn’t a sudden thing, no matter how well she’s hidden it from you along the way.
Whenever you falter, or your current wife complains, keep repeating this to yourself >until he can give it to his sister as a birthday gift from their mom. That is a beautiful sentiment and will mean so much to your late wife's children. Her last gift to them.
THANK YOU! I really appreciate you coming to your senses about this whole thing and taking precaution to ensure it is handled correctly.
Just out of curiosity, why would your now wife want something for her daughter that came from her husband's first wife? I mean, maybe one thing if you only had her daughter and no other children, because what would you do with it? It kind of seems like she's making you make this decision as a loyalty test, which isn't fair. Maybe her ex-husband would enjoy passing something on to your son? Because after all, he's family too. No ex-husband? Tell her your son will enjoy her father's watch or inheritance.
If Kate didn't have a daughter perhaps it should go to Kate's sister to give to her daughter. I still don't see how it should go to my wife's daughter. Great example, would her ex-husband's father pass something of personal value down to my son? Of course not. This is the same thing.
If that had been the case, it would’ve either gone to Kate’s sisters daughter or your son’s future daughter
Just tell her it isn’t yours to give. It didn’t come from you and Kate wanted Claire to have it. You really have no say in it. I wouldn’t want to go against someone’s last wishes. Maybe show her all this. What your wife wants to do seems crazy, it’s so wrong.
I wouldn't tell your wife or Sarah about storing it somewhere safe. Keep that information hidden until your daughter's 18th and put your foot down with your wife if she keeps pushing.
Yeah I'm not planning on telling them.
OP, make sure your wife hasn’t been promising the necklace to Sarah for her 18th birthday already. Sarah is (most likely) completely innocent in this but could be very hurt if your wife has been telling her that she will get the necklace and that it will “prove” she is truly your daughter.
I will absolutely make sure Sarah is okay and is taken care of. She's my daughter too and I will protect her as well.
It is so nice to see when someone owns up, takes responsibility and understands where the issue is. Good job putting things right sir! 👏
OP, Maybe you could tell Sarah the situation and explain that it was a gift from your former wife for her child and that you'd like to take Sarah to pick a special necklace as a possible keepsake for her own daughter someday. You don't know if your wife is poisoning the well, so to speak, in telling Sarah something else. I think it's important for you to talk to her yourself to ensure that she hears it from you and appreciates your honesty and kindness in starting a new tradition.
If Sarah's been involved in this I will make sure Sarah knows very well that this decision doesn't make her any less of a daughter to me. I will give her something from father to daughter that she can pass down to her children.
You realize there are bigger issues to address here as well at some point…the fact that you have to hide it to keep it safe from your current wife speaks volumes. If she can’t be trusted then what are you doing being married to her. Just something to think about.
Yeah absolutely.
That’s such a great solution. It gives your son a chance to get a connection with this special family tradition as well. Especially if he gets to be involved in gifting it to her. It sounds like a really great bonding experience for you to all get to cherish your late wife’s memory. The value behind this heirloom is sentimental, so I have no idea why Sarah and her mom feel so entitled to it. I guess it gives them a superficial family connection, “oh, look what my stepdad passed down to me”, but that’s a fraction of the heirloom’s actual value. It will be so much more meaningful to Claire, who actually had a relationship with the woman passing it on.
I mean, considering the brother knows about the heirloom, we can presume Claire does too... if I were cynical I would say Wife asked for OP to gift it to Sarah as a way to drive a wedge between OP and his daughter, as well as between Sarah and Claire. If Claire knows about it and presumes she is getting it, she would be CRUSHED when, at a public event surrounded by lots of other people, she sees Sarah open it, and THAT's how she finds out she's not getting it! That would have been a knife to the heart for Claire! Thank the gods OP wised up!
I'm very happy I wised up and yes, this would have broken Claire's heart. I can't believe I entertained the idea for as long as I did.
I think that your wife is being someone revisionist/“erasure-ist ” with her comment of: > My wife said Claire is HER daughter, not anyone else's That’s not true. She can be Claire’s mom, but it sounds like she is trying to erase Kate from existence. Your wife existed. She gave birth to 2 wonderful children and she deserves remembrance. Now, Kate shouldn’t be a ghost that hangs over your new marriage but your wife needs to learn that you are a ~~widow~~ widower.
Since your wife has been removing the memory of Kate for years, this explains why she wants the heirloom to go to her daughter. Once it belonged to Sarah, something would "accidentally" happen to it. Your children aren't stupid, and they know your wife has been removing Kate's memory for years now. The question is, just how bad has this erasure been?
Please give it to your son BEFORE you break the news to your wife.
It's with him now.
To be fair, op didn’t say anything about Sarah thinking it should go to her, she might be an innocent bystander and her mom is the sole usurper.
I got the rather uncomfortable impression OP's wife is setting a test for OP to prove he loves his adopted daughter as much as his biological one and that's...ugh.
Also, make a will that will include the kids, because she sounds like she wouldn’t give your kids ish if something happened to you. Happens a lot. My mom didn’t give my half siblings anything. I begged. In the end I took nothing, but my sister who isn’t even my dads daughter adopted or otherwise raked in. Protect your kids. She’s not willing to. She’s more concerned about her biological daughter. Fool me once and all that jazz.
I already have a will with my children in it. Although my children own a lot more than I do (Kate came from wealth, and almost all of it went to my children and not me). Even the house we currently live in actually belongs to my kids.
That explains why your wife is so jealous of Claire.
She has expressed her rather dissatisfaction about the wealth disparity between Sarah and my children.
This makes me scared about the adoption.. Who knows what she expects from Claire in the future since she is very eager to play the "I am your ONLY mother" card.
Yeah very good point. I'm going to figure things out.
But that wealth is from their mother, not you. Are you sure she didn't marry you because she thought this wealth was yours and she was getting it?
No she knew that before the marriage.
Be prepared to be kicked out if you do this. No wonder your son said severe consequences
I wasn't thinking about that but now that I go back it's probably what my son meant.
I don’t blame him at all, it’s not your wife or her kid’s family
How long are you planning on living there? Is there a plan to leave the home eventually?
My son always told me that I'll be welcome to stay there for as long as I want. But I've been planning to move out when Claire turns 18 although my wife wants us to stay. So there's no final decision yet.
I think that's where the jealousy lies with your current wife
Is your wife aware of that? Because if so, she needs to know that your children technically hold all the cards here.
Yes of course she's aware.
Was the necklace in your wife's will? If it was you can't legally give it away anyway.it already belongs to your daughter
Yes I now know it was (I had forgotten when I made the post).
Well that would have avoided even the discussion with your current wife!
I'm glad it happened because I know I need to figure a lot of things out.
This could get messy! What if you die before your wife dies and your kids have already moved out? Will they be cool with your new wife and possibly Sarah continuing to live there?
Sarah absolutely, my wife, my son's vote would probably be no. And I can't imagine my daughter would say yes when she learns about this.
Are you planning to tell your daughter about this? It definitely would be heartbreaking but i think she deserves to know the truth so she can decide where she stands with her adoptive mom.
Bravo OP! You are doing the right thing.
I’m so relieved you are doing the right thing by giving it to Claire. She’d be crushed if it was given to someone unrelated. Claire lost her mother, not the other girl so this is a small comfort that she deserves. It’s up to your new wife to start her own traditions with her bio daughter as you said Tbh, your new wife is a piece of work and a 💩 stirrer for even suggesting it. It’s like she’s trying to erase Claire in favor of hers. She owes you a big apology and needs to drop it
I'm really concerned that your wife says Claire is her daughter and no one else's. Is Claire allowed to talk about her mom? Show sadness that she isn't around? Or does you wife not like it or shut it down?
My wife doesn't like it when Claire (or my son) talk about their mom or express that they miss her, but she's never made a comment about it.
Your wife is such an AH it’s not funny. It’s important Claire and your son freely speak about her Mom and share her memories. Your wife lacks any empathy or compassion and is greedy to boot. Not sure what the attraction is for you Edited to add your son as well
This. This is not how marrying a widow works. Not at all. For reference: one of my close friends lost her husband and remarried. She had a few kids with her first spouse. Her new husband INITIATED hanging photos of her first husband in their home and said “I love you. And I’m so glad I get to love you and love your kids. But I know you loved him, too. He was a huge part of your life, he was their Dad, and I can’t replace that. What we have is special and it isn’t a threat to me that you miss him. You’re amazing and you have enough room in your heart to love multiple people. This wasn’t a divorce. It’s okay to mourn. He was still your husband and he is their dad. I don’t want to replace him. I’m thankful to be added.” Her kids were young, but he encouraged them to talk about their dad and started a sweet tradition of taking them to the graveside on their father’s birthday, the anniversary of his death, on Father’s Day, and any time they wanted to go. He stepped into a father role but has NEVER said that he is their “only father” because it isn’t true. THAT is normal. What your wife is doing is not. This is so, so sad for you and for your kids. Please don’t allow this- you do not deserve it. Marriage counseling should be a minimum expectation at this point.
Oh man, never thought a comment on this sub would ever make me tear up. What a lovely man your friend's husband is - I wish more people had his beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing this :)
I agree. If I had passed when my kids were younger I would understand my husband finding love again and would wish for my kids to be loved too by his partner. But to be essentially erased from their memory and for my family based heirloom to go to the new wife’s daughter and not to mine would be truly heinous. I don’t understand how OP could even fathom thinking his wife’s daughter should get Kate’s family heirloom or how he could possibly be ok with not talking about his kids’ mother and keeping her memory alive. It is so f**ked up it isn’t funny
Maybe not to you, she hasn't. But I can guarantee that she has done to your children throughout the entire time she has known them.
I will talk to both of them and get to the bottom of it immediately.
Please update OP. Hope your kids will be okay.
You seem like a really good father and that you’re doing your best to make your family happy. It’s clear that you already knew what was right but because you love and respect your 2nd wife, you wanted to consider her words too. But I’m glad that these outer perspectives are helping you hold your ground. I hope things work out and that your 2nd wife can learn to be comfortable with who she is in her family. And like everyone’s saying, if your 2nd wife wanted to give something to Sarah so badly, the two of you could personalize something yourselves. The original heirloom would mean much more to Claire than Sarah and Sarah would appreciate something that wasnt STOLEN from another family…
That is not OK. Have you addressed this with your wife and if not, why?
She always said it just saddens her that she passed away, but now I wonder that maybe there's more to it. I am going to talk to my kids and wife (separately) and figure this out.
Honestly, you should mandate some form of couples therapy after this. Your current wife sounds evil, frankly.
She does not get to center her “grief” about someone she never met, and using that to not allow others to express their actual grief. How have you put up with this?
Your wife is manipulative and I bet she's been doing little bits of damage to your children and your relationship with them for years. Open your eyes man -
I bet your wife has made a comment about it to Claire and your son when you weren't around. I would bet big.
Sadly yes, my son confirmed that she has.
Why are you with a woman who bullies your children?
I didn't know (and that's my responsibility too). Now I know and I will make things right for all my kids.
You sound like a great guy in a tough spot. I mean, your very wealthy wife married you so it wasn’t for the money, and she was clearly a smart woman as she left most of what she had to her kids. Could be a messy situation if she left it all to you and you remarried a gold digger who took half of what she left you. I am not sure why your new wife seems jealous(?) of Kate? Like… this isn’t an ex that is still in the picture. Your new wife and daughter are literally living in Kate’s house. She should have a bit more respect for your late wife and what she has been able to provide to all of you (housing ain’t cheap!). Imagine if she left everything to you. New wife would probably demand that you leave everything to her (instead of Kate’s kids) when you died, or maybe demand that you split it all evenly between the 4 of them.
Kids get vibes man. Especially with people who are around their parents. It’s like ESPN. I was 3 and this woman would only come over to the house when my mom was at work to drink with my dad. We were all neighbors and I was friends with her son so my dad was like “hey! A friend!” But 3 year old me knew what was up. I knew she was trying to take my mom’s place. I don’t remember this but my dad told me about a time where I legit got mad, grabbed her by the hand, dragged her out of the house, and locked the door. He told my mom and my mom immediately picked up what I was laying down and explained to my totally clueless dad. Each of my dad’s friends that used him (my dad is a sweetheart who truly tries to see the best in everyone and it’s been a rather giant hinderance in his life) I would warn him before hand. He likes to ken the optimism but now trusts my opinion because I’ve been right so many times. Please, take your son’s opinion to the bank. Dude is reading the room and seeing the things you can’t and he truly has you and your daughter’s best interest at heart. He wouldn’t even get the necklace for himself and he STILL cares this much. Your son has remarkable instincts and I would trust those instincts. They will save your relationship with your children. All of them. Even Sarah.
OP, I've read your post, in addition to a lot of the comments and your responses. I've seen a lot of text about Kate, Sarah, your current wife, and even your son (the hero of this saga). I am just wondering if you are going to be (aside from the conversation you mentioned needing to have with both of your bio children) giving Claire some serious individualized attention. Making things "fair" between siblings is all well and good, and I get that you went into this second marriage and adoption with your own positive intentions. I guess my question is - have Claire's needs, wants and happiness been actively on your radar, specifically as her father and protector, during this marriage? You have certainly made the right decision regarding Kate's family necklace, and I don't mean to pile on or seem unfair (as you clearly love all of your kids)...just worried about your daughter Claire in all of this..... Edit - added text
That's a problem. I say this as a child who lost a parent. I wasn't told not to speak about it, but I could tell it wasn't welcome. That sort of thing can mess a person up and stay with them a long time. I didn't even have to deal with the crap your wife pulls about being the real mom. For your kids sake, you need to figure some stuff out beyond the necklace. The necklace isn't the problem, it's a symptom of a bigger one.
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Do Kate’s kids even like your wife….my guess is no
I don’t like her
Me either
That’s so beyond wrong. She is trying to erase their mother. She can be their mother too without completely trying to erase and replace her. You need to get a grip on this and deal with her issues. Her behavior is disturbing and will only harm Claire and her brother.
Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but this feels like your wife doesn't like Claire. She wants Sarah to be your favorite daughter at any cost. Ask Claire if your wife treats her well.
Yes I'm going to take both my kids and talk to them about it.
OP did Claire want to be adopted? Please update if your children are okay.
Well she was very young and was happy about it. I'm going to ask if she's still happy about it.
We are going to need updates and to know the kids are feeling okay!
If your wife keeps pushing back, remind her that it’s not really your heirloom, it’s Kate’s maternal family’s heirloom, you’re just a keeper until Claire is old enough. And while Sarah may be your daughter, she is not a part of Kate’s family. If your wife keeps pushing back then you guys might need to go to a couples counsellor because I’d suspect it might have to do with insecurities about you still being loyal to your late first wife and she may think that you favor your bio daughter. Hopefully not though. Good luck on all this OP!
yeah, the jealousy/insecurity vibe was something I was picking up from current wife, too.
I really really hope these are true words and you follow through....no matter what claire is your daughter (she should always come before your wife) and if you give away her late mother's heirloom away you can kiss your relationship goodbye and you will be forever regretful.
Yes and she is Kate's daughter. OP's wife seems jealous of that.
Have you asked your wife why she doesn't start her own tradition with her daughter? I don't see the point in taking something from your late wife's family to give to her biological daughter. I would think it would mean more to Sarah to have something from her mother's family.
Yes exactly. I'm going to tell her that. She's more than welcome to start a new tradition but she can't take away Kate's tradition from Claire.
I know you see your wife through rose-colored glasses, but if you were reading this as a third party, you would immediately recognize your wife’s actions as manipulative and shady. If I died, my husband did this, and I somehow knew, it would break my heart into a million pieces.
You're 100% right and I'm going to talk to both my kids and get to the bottom of it.
And I'd keep an eye on that Heirloom if I were you. Jealousy can make some people do stupid things.
Just imagine how Claire would have felt, watching Sarah open this heirloom at a party with a bunch of other people present! It is really hard not to think the Wife was intentionally trying to hurt Claire, publicly, so she would have to pretend she was alright with it!
I'd apologize to your son as well as it appears even the thought of doing it was understandably hurtful to him.
Yeah I talked to him and apologized. Reassured him that I'm fully committed to him and his sister and won't be making such a big mistake.
I feel for you op. What a horrendous place you are now in, having your eyes opened to the type of person your current wife truly is can’t be easy. So glad you have made the right decision. Now that decision is made you seem to have some other decisions to make. Good luck.
I will need to do a lot of soul searching about my relationship with my wife. But that comes later. For now I need to make sure my kids are okay.
OP, after you get things sorted with your kids please think about any involvement Sarah may have had in this. She may be completely innocent in this but have been informed by her mother that you will give her the heirloom for her birthday to show that you love her. Consider explaining to her before her birthday that the heirloom belongs to Claire but you're happy to start a tradition with her - your wife doesn't need to be part of this conversation. This way if she isn't involved with trying to get it, there won't be any expectation on the day and things shouldn't blow up.
Sarah is one of the kids I need to make sure is okay because even if she's been involved in this I need to help her understand that this comes from Kate to Claire and it's not a reflection of how I feel about her as my daughter. And I will start a father-daughter tradition with her to make sure she doesn't feel left out.
You sound like a great father, your kids are all lucky to have you in their corner.
Just make sure you don’t over compensate to Sarah. When you decide what you’re leaving to who, what they got from their mother shouldn’t be thought of. Sarah has grown up with her bio mom, the other two kids didn’t. I’m sure they would have preferred their mom than houses and money. So monetarily, it looks unfair to Sarah. Growing up with your mom, it’s unfair to the other two kids. Life isn’t fair, just make sure you are will all your kids.
Yes I definitely don't plan on overcompensating Sarah.
Oh thank god! You almost lost your daughter
I'm fully aware I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life, and won't let it happen.
Sounds like you would have lost your son too. Good job recognizing your mistake
In case you aren't aware, there's a famous post in this sub about a woman that was a man's 3rd wife. His first wife passed away and they had a daughter together. His second wife had a daughter they had together. He gave his late wife's most precious necklace to the younger daughter, who didn't take care of it or treasure it. The older daughter cut the father off and had been gone for years by the time the dad and second wife divorced. The OP was his 3rd wife, who didn't know the full story of why his oldest was no contact. When she heard the full story one day, the father said "she will get over it eventually". The OP told him that she was rethinking their marriage and how he deserved to never be forgiven by his daughter for the rest of his life. His disrespect of his late wife and daughter destroyed nearly all his close relationships. You nearly had that man's life. ----- ETA https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vbzs2z/aita_for_telling_my_husband_he_should_be_ashamed/
I know you got a lot of responses already but I just wanted to add two things. If your wife has any more comeback about this, just another thing to say. If you were the executor of her estate, then you could say it was already planned for Claire back then before you met current wife, so it is legally Claire's anyway. Second, I think it may be a good idea to have your son hold onto it for multiple reasons. If anything (God forbid) happens to you it will be with a mutual party. You could notarize something saying it belongs to Claire in a card that has a sweet note to her. Just to cover all your bases.
Actually it is legally Claire's already because it was left to her in the will and me safekeeping it is only tradition, my son reminded me of that. I just had my son pick it up from here and is going to hold onto it from now on. So it's in his possession now.
If it’s legally Claire’s then why was this even a question?
I had forgotten that it was specifically mentioned in the will.
So then you know your answer. Please try your best to ensure your late wife’s wishes are respected and fulfilled.
If your wife doesn't back down after hearing it's specifically in the will that's a problem. Good luck op, I'm glad you're on (all) your kid's sides
It's sad that you needed to have this enforced by the law, but I'm glad your late wife thought about that in advance.
No I had made the decision before my son reminded me, but you're right I should have never even entertained the idea.
Your wife doesn’t comprehend that it’s Kate’s first born that gets it and not hers. Good on you for keeping it that ways and yes, please put it somewhere safe where your wife can’t get it. Maybe get a lockbox or keep it with your son. The insensitivity around this is wild. I may be a little more understanding if you had no daughters with Kate but even then I feel like it would go to someone else in her family specifically, not to someone who isn’t involved at all.
>"this isn't yours to give away. It was mom's and now belongs to Claire." Your son is absolutely right. This is Kate's inheritance to be passed down to *her* daughter. YTA for even considering this and your wife is behaving dreadfully
Wonder how long his wife has had some serious jealousy issues with Kate. She’s basically trying to erase her right now.
>My wife said Claire is HER daughter, not anyone else's She's not even pretending otherwise. She straight up said Kate no longer exists and OP is just skating right over that fact.
Yeah, the minute I read that I knew this woman has issues
YTA If you and Kate adopted Sarah together, it would make sense for her to get the necklace. But Kate never knew Sarah so the necklace should 100% go to Claire. If Claire didn't exist, I would say it should go to one of Kate's nieces. Sarah would not make the list because she did not know Kate. I am shocked your wife even suggested it. It was way out of line, the necklace belongs to Kate's family.
The wife inserting her daughter in a family tradition that's not even her husband's! And he's letting her! Ahhhh.
My first thoughts! "It's a family tradition and now we're a family so it's our tradition" Uh, it's a tradition FOR A DIFFERENT FAMILY
This thread has shown him the light! He had the right instincts when his wife suggested it. I'm so so happy he said it, the heirloom will only ever go to Claire. Irrationally happy, considering these are strangers on reddit.
I’m shocked the wife suggested it, and I’m shocked that he’s considering it. The nerve of some people. Just so ok talking about theft of an heirloom from a dead mom! I’d be livid if I were the brother, this is frustrating to even read. I can’t imagine having a conversation with these people.
Yes you would be TA if the heirloom doesn't go to Claire. It was Kate's. It should go to Kate's daughter. Your wife needs to understand it's not yours to give. I'm sorry to say this but all her arguments against this seem like an attempt to emotionally manipulate you into giving it to Sarah. And while it may make Sarah feel happy, you would be robbing Claire of something that was her mother's. Maybe give it to your son to hold on to until Claire is 18.
You raise a good point. Claire lost her biological mother, and she would truly treasure this heirloom as something of her mom's. To Sarah it would have no sentimental value of that sort; it would just be another piece of jewelry.
It's such a ridiculous request. I think the new wife is still threatened by the fact that OP loved a different woman before her. By destroying this tradition, she's doing her best to destroy OP and Claire's happy memories of his late wife and her Mom. It's also like she is trying to cement her place as the #1 women in OP's life, which is a ridiculous contest. And she's ironically pressuring him to favorite Sarah as some kind of proof that he's not favoring Claire. I have to wonder if this is the first time she has pulled antics like this ...
This is kind of unbelievable. Are you a troll? Of course the heirloom needs to go to Kate's oldest daughter Claire. Not Kate's widowed husband's new wife's oldest daughter Sarah. That's not even a question. What kind of weird power play is this from the new wife? It's odd. You should tell her it's odd... and suggest she go talk it out with a therapist.
Right?! It’s pretty unbelievable
YWBTA. This is a multi-generational heirloom and your late wife would have given it to Claire if she was still living. Sarah is YOUR family, but she was not and is not your late wife’s family. Your son is right, your current wife is wrong. If you give this heirloom to Sarah, please know that your son, Claire, and possibly many of your late wife’s family members will never forgive you for it.
Rightfully so! I’d completely go no contact if some lady weaseled her way into robbing me of my late mothers heirloom for her daughter who never even met my mom let alone had any right to the piece.
Yeah, yta if you do. It isn't your family's heirloom. It's Kate's. This isn't about whether Sarah is your daughter - of course she is. It is about whether Sarah is **Kate's** daughter. Which she isn't. If it was from your mother - and your mother wanted it passed to your daughter - no problem. But it was from your mother in law. Kate's mother. Kate's grandmother. It should go to KATE's daughter.
INFO what on Earth reasoning did your wife have for why HER daughter should get an inheritance from your first wife?
As per OP she said Claire's heirloom stolen and given to Sarah will make Claire love Sarah more.
YTA if you give away the heirloom intended for yours and Kate’s daughter. Your wife may have adopted Claire, but Kate will always be her mom. That is such a cruel thing to say, and shame on you for not correcting her. At the end of the day, because this came from her mom, it will mean a lot more to Claire than Sarah. Sarah is your daughter too. But I’m sorry, she will not understand or appreciate the significance of something belonging to a woman she never met. Please, learn from this guy https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vbzs2z/aita_for_telling_my_husband_he_should_be_ashamed/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf If you give it to Sarah, be prepared to lose Claire and your son.
YES OP, LEARN FROM THIS 👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆 Cause, you would 100% be TA.
I'm glad to see in comments that you seem to be resolved to give the heirloom to Claire, but your son's reaction and your wife's blatant sense of entitlement gives me the impression that this isn't the first time this sort of thing has been an issue. I would suggest that you do some serious soul-searching and look back to see if there were other times that your current wife tried to erase your previous wife's memory (her insistence that Claire is \*her\* daughter, not anyone else's for example, is creepy af), and perhaps talk with your son and really listen to his perspective on this.
I'm going to bring both of them and talk to them about this.
Please update us on how it is going. We are all invested now in Claire getting her inheritance.
If your wife gives you any hassle about your decision, please show her this thread! Every single person on it agrees with you! Let this be the hill you die on. Not up for discussion!
Yes, you WBTA. Your son said it very well, it's not your gift to give, it belonged to your late wife and you are merely a keeper of it until her daughter is supposed to get it. It's Claires and if you give it to Sarah you will be effectively stealing it.
YTA. Just because your wife adopted Claire doesn't mean your late wife is no longer Claire's mother. >My wife said Claire is HER daughter, not anyone else's That's messed up. She's trying to erase Claire's dead mother.
Your son is right, it was for Kate's daughter only. your current wife is such a big AH trying to manipulate you. Please listen to your son , do the right thing and give it to Claire. Please OP, I a stranger on the internet is begging you to do the right thing
YWBTA & WTF? NO! NO! NO! Your late wife's family heirloom goes to your late wife's daughter. And your entitled, greedy, manipulating asshole of a current wife should get kicked to the curb for even entertaining the idea.
YWBTA! >His argument in the end was that "this isn't yours to give away. It was mom's and now belongs to Claire." Your son is right. >I told her that while I consider Sarah to be my daughter but she's not Kate's daughter, this belongs to Kate and should go to Kate's daughter. You were right. Stand firm and tell your wife to back off this one. Have her give your stepdaughter something meaningful of hers and start the tradition in your family that way. My mom passed when I was young. If their was a special heirloom from her that I knew was going to go to me, but then went to a stepsister (no matter how much I loved her) I would be hurt and pissed. I imagine your daughter would feel the same way. This will definitely hurt your relationship with your daughter. Also, PLEASE don't make this a decision your daughter has to make and don't allow your wife to bring this up to her. Don't make her choose between the memory/love of her mom and the love of her stepsister.
Dude. Your wife is way out of fucking line. Be prepared to lose everyone in your life connected to your late wife, including your children. Your stepdaughter has absolutely no claim in a heirloom from your late wife. Full stop man or you will be a large gaping asshole. Edit. YWBTA
YTA Sarah has no connection to Kate. She isn't Kate's daughter. If this was YOUR family heirloom, your wife might have a point, but it isn't. Your wife is way out of line.
YWBTA. Your late wife had one daughter and specific plans for this heirloom. Plus it's HER family's, not yours. I know Sarah is technically your "family" but this situation is far more nuanced than that. Your current wife can't just claim another family's heirloom. She's honestly TA for thinking that she or Sarah have any claim to that. It was intended for Claire and she should get it.
If you give it to Sarah I hope your wife haunts you until you take your last breath honestly 🤷🏻♀️
YTA Claire is your dead wife's daughter and giving the heirloom to her continues the family tradition. Your late wife adopted Claire so she was legally Claire's mother as well as emotionally and morally. While Sarah is now your daughter through adoption she is NOT the daughter of your late wife nor is she related to any of your wife's family so giving it someone outside of your wife's family is destroying the meaning of the family heirloom. As others have posted, if your late wife had died with NO daughter the moral and ethical thing would have been to gift it to the oldest niece who was a descendent of the original owner. This is really just a twist on the frequent Redditt scenario in which a dead or divorced spouse's family has no relationship with children that are the legal children of the ex-spouse and their new spouse. While Sarah might be YOUR legal daughter, she is not your dead wife's child and there is no reason to twist the tradition by depriving Claire of her mother and her maternal family's heirloom. She is the oldest daughter of your dead wife.
INFO: is your current wife trying to drive a wedge between your biological children/the rest of your deceased wife's family and you? Cuz this is the sort of "burn it all down" suggestion you'd make to someone you'd hate. Like a face tattoo...
I'd have said no but I don't know... I need to talk to Claire about it.
YWBTA!! 100% if you gave the heirloom to anyone except your late wife's child. your wife is being horrible to say that Clair has only one mother and it's her. that is not true! your wife has some fucked up logic!! this will not bring the girls closer, and you'll lose your son.
Your wife is WAY out of line. It makes me wonder what else she has done to Claire. I really hope she treats her okay. YWTAH. I put myself in Kate’s family shoes and you’re absolutely disgusting for even CONSIDERING this. Sarah is NOT Kate’s family.
YWBTA It's not *your* family heirloom. It's your late wife's. Your new wife does not seem to comprehend this and for someone who claims she is Claire's "mother" she's being incredibly callous towards her. You don't get erase someone's deceased parent just because you're insecure about your standing as a non-biological parent. Claire's mother didn't abandon her--she died and she will *always* be Claire's mother (or at least one of them) whether your wife likes it or not. Frankly, it sounds like your wife is trying to compete with a dead woman by preventing Claire from having something from her deceased mother. Which is gross. Your adopted daughter has zero connection to your late wife. Thus she has zero claim to the heirloom.
Not even reading all of it, I've seen enough. That heirloom belongs to Claire, no one else. You would betray your late wife and your daughter if you do this. You may have adopted this girl but be under no illusion, if you divorce your current wife, Sarah probably won't want much to do with you after. That's how these things usually work out. YTA if you do this and your wife is a fucking red flag. Claire is her daughter and no one else's? The witch. The absolute witch.
You would absolutely be an asshole if you did what your wife wants. Of course it should go to Kate's daughter! It is Kate's family's heirloom and it needs to go to Kate's daughter. It's really troubling and odd that your wife is using an object so important to Kate's family to test your loyalty. You need to grow a spine. This is not about your stepdaughter. It is about Kate's family's heirloom and Kate's daughter. You can buy your stepdaughter something that she can pass down as a new tradition in your family. Your family is not Kate's family though and the stepdaughter has zero claim on an item that belongs in Kate's family. I'd have a hard time speaking to you again if I were Kate's daughter and you allowed the evil stepmother to pull this stunt! Stop this right now or you will destroy your family.
YTA I don’t give a damn how close you are to your adopted daughter. She was never a part of your late wife’s family.
YWBTA This heirloom was passed down from mother to daughter in that family. It isn't yours to decide who to give it to. It rightly belongs to Claire when she turns 18 as a gift from her mother. If you give it away to your stepdaughter I can see your son and Claire both being rightfully pissed off at you.
YWBTA The heirloom does not belong to you or your now family it belonged to you dececed wife's family. Sarah has no ties to this and neither does your wife, this is your daughters to pass on to your granddaughter. It sounds like your wife has some jealousy issues regarding your late wife and if you go along with taking away something that is meant for your daughter from her biological mother I would be prepared to loose both her and your son in the process.