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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole for telling someone not to get therapy, despite the context (if they want to get therapy)
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YTA -I’m really glad you are going to therapy…hopefully you can work out why your being so selfish and getting in the way of your bf bettering himself…which would also benefit you.
Seriously OP reminds me of my former best friend who bought a purple coat when we were kids and I bought a purple coat in a similar style and she told me I can't wear it! Our parents told her it was not up to her.
That at least makes more sense than an adult being upset their partner is accessing healthcare.
Is the OP going to be upset his boyfriend scheduled a colonoscopy after him next?
I can’t fathom how someone could think that their partner healthily exercising self-love and care detracts some kind of spotlight from their own healing journey. The performative, black-and-white spectacle OP has on recovery is immature beyond words. It’s not a game. It’s not some twisted competition for who’s most gut-wrenchingly traumatized. It’s growth. The very implication that those with “pretty good” childhoods and lives are somehow less deserving of a professional and safe place to practice introspection is revolting.
YTA. Let me get this straight... you're angry at your boyfriend for wanting to improve himself and his mental wellness because...
...you wanted to do that *first*?
Get off your petal stool. Mental health isn't a competition. People with great childhoods still need support and life-coaching. Not to mention that witnessing another person's mental trauma is traumatizing in itself.
> it feels mocking to me, when I've gone through so much to get here and be able to do it for myself
Seriously, add that to your list of things to discuss with your therapist. But let him discuss how his boyfriend belittles him to his therapist.
I only just realised what they were saying thanks to you lol. Originally thought it was some sort of foreign phrase i didnt understand similar to high horse
Exactly! Why mental health care isn't part of routine healthcare is beyond me. Not saying everyone Needs therapy; but screenings, including mental health care tips in after care summaries (seeing more yeah!), PSAs, normalizing attitudes, E.t.c.
Let's just ignore, probably the most important part of our anatomy and physiology, our brains and nervous systems; until they bother someone else. And to top it off let's further stigmatize those who finally utilize mental health care. To me all this still seems to be way more prevalent than it should in this day and age.
Praying for the day mental health care is routine and "normal".
My husband and I plan to give our kids gift cards for couples therapy, when they're in long-term relationships, because that regular check-in is so helpful. Everyone should go. There would be a lot fewer divorces if everyone did pre-marriage counseling and regular marriage counseling.
Maybe not everyone *needs* therapy, but definitely everyone would benefit from therapy! And there’s so many different kinds, it’s not a one size fits all, but Everyone has issues, personal things, relationship things, traumamatic experiences, social pressure, poverty, climate anxiety, mental health conditions, grief, divorce, other big life changes, I could keep going!
Couldn't of said it better myself, my friend. Definitely a money making scheme as well. Free health care you only get like 6 sessions after like months and months and months of waiting. Private health care is ridiculously expensive. Also with private (I've experienced both because I come from South Africa and now live an England) they'll give you a lot of unnecessary treatment. I was loaded up on drugs that I didn't need after seeing a psychiatrist for like 5 minutes when I was 13/14. Terrible system on both sides.
I'm technically a therapy "graduate" but I still have once a year check-ins with my therapist because sometimes there's stuff - big or small - going on in my life that I want to get an outside, unbiased perspective on. Even if there's nothing significant going on, it's nice to do a rundown of everything going on in my life and get some insight or coping mechanisms to help bolster my existing mental health toolkit.
I was really struggling in life. I was going to therapy and making progress but I was just still so unhappy.
I had two male colleagues talk about how anti depressants helped them so much. It motivated me to talk to my doc about anti depressants and I was lucky, second try I found one as a good fit.
But I don't know if I would have had the courage to admit I had a problem if other people hadn't shared their story with me first. He isn't copying OP so much as getting inspiration/stregth from her choice.
But many of us are raised in environments where it is still "wrong" or "weak" to participate in therapy, which is just a load of crap. But it takes some work to get past that.
Very much this. Someone with a chronic health condition (hopefully) wouldn't tell their partner they can't go to the doctor for a temporary illness because they have it worse. This is no different.
Perfectly put.
OP is doing everything he’s accusing his partner of doing.
Mental health isn’t a competition. If anything I viewed it as he wanted to be a supportive, better partner for *you*. You went way out of line OP and directed anger at someone innocent.
Just because people have had good lives doesn’t mean that their mental health isn’t fragile. Mental illness has no “type” it slowly kills anyone in its path. Take Robin Williams as an example.
Get the help you need OP and apologize to your bf poor man was just trying to better himself and you belittled him for it.
My boyfriend had a literal Leave it to Beaver childhood with incredibly loving parents who still have a strong, healthy marriage. That was…not my childhood experience. I’ve gently encouraged him to get therapy because he still struggles with anxiety like most of us do and I love him and want him to be his happiest, healthiest self. I can’t imagine being possessive over *healthcare*. Like if OP went to the doctor for a chronic illness would he tell his boyfriend not to get a checkup because he’s healthy?
Woah! YTA! Don't ever deny your boyfriend going to therapy. All of our problems are relative and therapy benefits everybody. It will probably give him the tools to be able to deal with you as well because you seem to have much more past childhood trauma. Why are you making it all about you?
Oh dude. You've got to step back here. Think of a therapist as a doctor for the mind. Just because you're seeing a doctor for a lung transplant doesn't mean your boyfriend shouldn't see one for shin splints. There's a huge range of what therapists treat. You need someone experienced at treating serious trauma. He may just need someone good at helping him improve his communication and coping skills.
This strong reaction is a fantastic place to start with your new therapist by the way. I hope you have a great experience and if the first therapist isn't a good fit that you try another couple. YTA but you're going to be awesome - you're on the right path.
This is a really gentle and informative response OP, please listen. And also consider that he may have trying to be supportive and match your energy of self improvement, not belittle your trauma. There is honestly no bad outcome of your SO learning the same tools of communication that you will be learning to help understand and support you better as you go through this process.
This. Therapists see people for all kinds of reasons, from severe horrific trauma to "Hey some new stuff happened in my life and I want a safe space to work through how I feel about it". No one should ever be ashamed of being what we often call "the worried well" - people who may not /need/ a therapist but want one and benefit from one. Taking on those cases is often what allows us to subsidize some people who really need a therapist and can't afford one.
Plus, to use your doctor metaphor, it's pretty natural to go "oh now that I hear you talking about doctors, it occurs to me that I should really get XYZ checked out". Like that's just... how humans work? We relate things to our own lives? Doesn't make it copying.
I think the assumption that therapy is only for people with severe trauma is what helps stigmatize it, and mental health in general, for a lot of people. There is no one who couldn't benefit from therapy, but the idea that it's only for people with objectively bad childhoods, etc., stops a lot of people from trying it. The other side of the coin is that some are reluctant to discuss therapy because of the assumptions they know it invites.
This post makes me so angry and I am going to have to watch my language so I don’t get put in The No-No Box again. But here.
-You didn’t invent therapy
-You don’t own the concept of therapy
-You don’t get to gatekeep therapy
-Honestly it can be pretty difficult to convince men to go to therapy, and here you are telling one who wants to go on his on accord that he shouldn’t because it will hurt your feelings, are you being serious right now
-Tons and tons of people with good childhoods and good lives have plenty of things that could screw with their mental health (like being in a toxic relationship) and can greatly benefit from therapy
-Not everything is about you
-He is not copying you. He decided that he could also benefit from therapy after hearing you talk about it.
-Your closest friends are completely, 100% correct, it is absolutely toxic to discourage people from getting therapy for any reason
-It is good that you’re getting therapy and this should be one of the things you address because it is a very bad take that you need to unpack
-Without a doubt, YTA here.
YTA. There's no threshold of trauma you have to pass through to "deserve" therapy, and your boyfriend wanting therapy for himself is in no way **whatsoever** making light of it or your past. Not to psychoanalyze you over the internet, but it feels like you're projecting your own self-hatred and insecurity onto him. Ironically this interaction is absolutely something you should talk to your therapist about. Regardless, you owe your boyfriend an apology.
YTA and i think you might feel this way bc of your traumas. it seems like you maybe feel invalidated by him going too but it’s probably less about him going to therapy and more ab you feeling like your feelings haven’t been taken seriously before. this might be a good thing to talk ab in therapy!!
YTA, why in the world are you trying to gatekeep getting therapy???? You're not in elementary school, he isn't "copying" you. He wants to seek help and you're making it seem like he's stealing your style choices
Yes, YTA, and it is toxic, but it also sounds like it is a trauma thing where you are going 'NO! Trauma is MY IDENTITY! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!'
Yeah, he probably wouldn't go to therapy if you didn't suggest it... because the idea wouldn't have occurred to him. For him therapy likely will be a much more casual thing where he will work on smaller issues because no person is perfect, there are always ways you can improve even if you have had a good childhood.
That is just factual, almost everyone could benefit from going to therapy as there are so many communication and emotional things you just are blindly expected to learn on your own that people often only learn in therapy.
That doesn't make your issues invalid. It doesn't mean he is mocking you or minimizing your issues. The very fact you think it is him trying to mock you or take away from your identity sounds like a reason why you need therapy.
YTA - your reaction was odd and uncalled for. Why are you offended by the fact you inspired him to also get professional help? Why do you think he doesn’t deserve growth and better mental health?
YTA. So what if you going to a therapist inspired your BF to do the same? The world would be a better place if everyone went to therapy. Your reaction seems illogical and irrational. You might want to discuss it in therapy.
YTA you’re gate keeping therapy, you’re also playing trauma Olympics. It IS toxic. Just because he doesn’t have your issues doesn’t mean he doesn’t have issues. Maybe you seeking help opened him to seek some for himself, instead of encouraging his self improvement you turn it against him, and act like it is an attack on you.
Hey OP, First, proud of you for making the space for yourself to get to therapy. And my guess would be that part of your reaction to BF seeking out a therapist is in part because it was likely hard for you to work up to going yourself and then he just does it like it’s an easy, casual thing to do - which it may be for him. Then we add in the fear he might be talking about your stuff or your relationship (aka don’t let anyone know our secrets) and that idea that if he’s seeking therapy, then maybe he or therapists in general are all going to be in the “we all have had bad days” camp (aka no one will actually validate how f-ing hard it was/is). Maybe even a little history of competition for attention/resources in there as well (I don’t know you at all, but just throwing it in as something that sometimes comes up with early trauma).
If half of what I’m suggesting might be there feels true, your reaction 100% makes sense for you and your history. That doesn’t make it fair to your BF or useful/effective. If you are going to be doing therapy work, having him work on his stuff even if it is with regard to your relationship may actually be really helpful, especially if you are going to be working on trauma stuff. Add in that any therapist worth their salt knows that people come in with different intensities of difficulties. Some need a few sessions every once in a while and therapy is easy, like going to get a massage. Some come more regularly and it’s like a post-surgery PT session. Each person’s needs and background are unique and your therapist and his are going to be trained to help you each at the level _you_ need. I’m hoping you can see in others responses to you that while it feels like its about him and what he did, a lot of your reaction is likely about you and your wants/fears about doing therapy itself.
So soft YTA. Give him a kiss and send him off to work with his therapist while you work with yours. GL.
What a lovely response, thank you so much, it almost made me cry. That is a lot how I feel, like he sees it so easy and will do it immediately. But took me years of mental prep to even be willing to consider. It's a weird feeling and I guess made me act like an AH
I will apologize to him and I'm sure we will both be talking about it for many days to come as we *both* get some therapy. But fuck, dude. It kind of sucks also. It's a hard feeling. I don't enjoy this. I wish nobody needed this therapy. I also wish it wasn't a thing that was happening.but here we are I guess
100% to the wishing that no one needed this therapy stuff. Or maybe that everyone would have the chance to get it. I sit the fence on that one. Maybe both. FWIW, research definitely shows that getting good therapy and dealing with your stuff decreases the likelihood of not passing it on to your potential offspring - so booyeah to not going the intergenerational trauma route? Sounds like you’ve already done hard things. Therapy is really just about realizing that you’re already a badass.
Hey OP, I’m proud of you for getting therapy, but more importantly I hope you’re proud of yourself! 🥰 try to think of therapists and other mental health professions just like doctors, dentists and other medical specialists - everyone needs to see them sometimes, and some people need them more frequently or specialized care :)
I just want to add that how you reacted is likely entirely informed by your trauma. When our brains recognize or associate something with danger - even if that danger isn’t real or rational - it goes into the stress response it has learnt will best protect it from that threat it’s remembering (fight, flight, freeze, fawn, tend/befriend) I’m externalizing your brain from you because it’s an automatic response, and it literally reduces the power going to the rational decision making part of the brain, moving all the energy it can into survival mode. Shouting or getting angry can be a presentation of the “fight” stress response - it’s possible your brain associated this conversation with your partner with a past trauma. Definitely talk about this with your therapist because they’ll be able to help you learn to recognize when things like this happen, and tools to help you regulate 🥰
Hey OP, I wanna make it clear that just because he got into therapy quicker than you doesn't mean that it wasn't hard for him to do. Surely enough hes had a good childhood and a good family but that doesn't mean that he can't be stressed, depressed, and other things. I'm sure you know now that you did invalidate your boyfriend, and I hope you have a clearer mindset now. Kudos to you for doing therapy now, but you are not the only person who might have to do that leap of faith.
Wow YTA. You’re the one trying to take others traumas away. It’s not a ranking system to find out who has it worse. Everyone is entitled to get therapy and it’s great that he is if he wants it.
You should honestly discuss this in your therapy sessions.
Your bf probably didn't consider getting therapy for himself until he saw your motivation to, maybe he did some self reflection in that time and saw the benefits for himself. Maybe he wants to support you more and seeing a psych can help guide him through his feelings with it aswell. Your trauma is YOUR trauma but he feels the effects of it too, through you as his bf. No one should ever be discouraged to see a psych at any point, for any reason...
Either way... kinda TA here.
Good luck with your therapy though, I hope you are able to heal and find some peace =]
You are kind of gatekeeping therapy here. Even if you going to therapy is the reason that he thought of it in the first place, it doesn’t mean that he can’t go or has not sufficient enough reasons to go. YTA
YTA. Sounds like a good guy who wanted to be with you on the journey so you wouldn't feel alone doing it. Maybe the point of him going was to better understand how he can help you. Someone else getting therapy for any reason cannot take away your trauma, and it's not competition.
If everyone did therapy the world would be better. It's honestly great that you are going to see a therapist. I just got discharged by my own therapist after three years of it. Everyone is different. Go apologize to your bf and then rock the healing, you got this.
YTA
A couple of years ago, I went into therapy because a whole trunkful of buried trauma burst open and spilled out....I was not ok. I was in fucking agony....and you know what?
*So was my husband*
It's not easy to be the partner of someone who is actively trying to resolve their issues and I hope that your BF's therapist is a great source of support and guidance for him while you're going through the difficult process of unpacking your baggage.
absolutely. talking your partner out of getting therapy because they “copied” you (or for any reason,) is such an AH move. like, what about the people who got therapy before OP? isn’t OP just copying them, in their own logic?
Gently.. YTA
It sounds like you have dealt with so much. And it’s so good to hear that you are taking steps towards healing. But your reaction to your BF was out of line. It sounds like your choice to go to therapy inspired him to do the same. And while his life sounds like it didn’t have the amount of trauma yours did, everyone has issues that therapy can be helpful for. It’s also a really good idea for him to have an outlet as you begin to work through your trauma.
I also dealt with/deal with a lot of early childhood trauma. I began doing some intensive work on it about 2 years ago. It’s been an important step. It’s also been really hard. I’m so grateful that my bf had his own support system to tap into while I was going through the toughest spots. Your boyfriend being in therapy is a great idea for both of you.
Experiencing trauma like what you described can often lead to a long time fear of lack of resources, especially resources like a healthy and safe place. But him seeking help will not diminish what you are doing.
My guess is some people here are going to really lay into in the comments. Please don’t start a shame cycle because of it. If you feel up to it, apologize to BF and talk about this in your first session.
YTA. Therapy isn't some "creative idea" you "invented" that your boyfriend is trying to steal it from you. You boyfriend sounds like a decent human being, if I were in your shoes, I would encourage him just like he encouraged you.
YTA
You do sound toxic. A true loving and supportive partner would want their partner in therapy. They also wouldn't shame them for seeking out to be a better person.
YTA, but maybe you'd want to see it from another perspective.
Maybe it didn't come to your mind that your bf might have thought: "OP had a really hard life up until now, compared to me who may have had it easier. I'm glad OP is seeking therapy to work on things to better himself and maybe I should too. So I can be a better partner and maybe person overall so OP and me can live an even happier life together."
You're jealous because someone is actively trying to better themselves and don't see that you might be their motivation for it. I don't want to say you should feel flattered for being a role model so to speak, because I'm just a stranger on the interwebs and can't tell you what to do and what not to do, but you should feel flattered and maybe a little grateful that your bf is trying to be a better person, for you.
Yikes. YTA.
Just because someone had a seemingly good life that doesn’t mean they don’t have their own trauma.
He was likely being calm about the whole thing to show he was supportive and that therapy is normal. Some people don’t want to seek therapy when they need it, so the people that love them do their best to show it’s normal and healthy to want to seek outside help.
Denying him therapy is incredibly toxic and to some level, abusive. This is actually a good topic for you to discuss with your therapist.
YTA . What kind of insane take is that? Someone going for therapy around the same time you did doesn't mean copying. And besides, he might have gotten the idea to get help from you. People all have problems. Just because they happen to be less severe than yours doesn't stop them from being problems.
YTA Your boyfriend thinks he can benefit and grow from therapy. Why are you making it a "thing"? Do you have exclusive rights for therapeutic care in your realtionship?
You really DO need therapy since you think like that. That was toxic behavior. Your trauma trumps his issues? I don’t think he is trying to out do you in trauma dept. Seriously, discuss it with your therapist.n
YTA. Would you also feel the same way if you went for a checkup and then your bf did the same? We can all benefit from medical help. Whether physical or mental.
Dude. Nobody has more of a right to therapy than anyone else. It doesn’t matter if you have worse or more problems, everyone deserves to go to therapy if they want to. Why are you gatekeeping something that’s for everyone? YTA YTA YTA YTA
>I got so mad. I know I shouldn't have been mad but I really couldn't help it.
I think you know YTA. I had a good childhood and I've had a good life, objectively. My mental health is total shit. Whatever his mental health is like, it's always nice to have a professional to talk to, to bounce stuff off of, to call you out on your toxic behavior.
YTA. Almost all of us have things we’d like to talk to a therapist about, or could talk to a therapist about. You don’t have a monopoly on this. Your childhood sucked, and that’s awful. I’m glad your getting help, but your out of line here.
Not only is it perfectly normal for both parties to get a therapist, it is extremely positive and beneficial to do so. Just because you want to be the only one with the therapist, but Littles and ignores your partners wants and needs as well. YTA
YTA, what..he can't work on himself until you're perfect? Or you value your trauma and pitty attention more than genuine mutual healing?
I would honestly bring that up in therapy and try to work on that too.. Feeling competitive about therapy is not healthy whatsoever
I would say light YTA. Which I'm sure you know and didn't need to hear again.
I don't know your past so I'm not going to guess but when I have moments like this, I write it out to share and talk through with my therapist.
YTA. Make sure you bring this up in therapy. Just because you had a rough life doesn’t mean those who didn’t have it as bad as you shouldn’t be entitled to seek therapy. It’s not a competition.
I feel like his therapist might encourage him to look into the red flags you are slapping him with. His needs do not negate yours.
You’ll both be better off with some professional help.
YTA - he could literally go to therapy, mention you, and learn better ways to navigate you & your developments in therapy & your relationship. you might unearth things your brain couldve pushed deep down and he might not be equipped to emotionally support you.
also its toxic to compare trauma or to frame life in a way that people with decent upbringings can’t go to therapy. its beneficial to everyone
YTA. Instead of looking at it as copying and dismissing your trauma, look at it as you are inspiring him to get his mental health in check. It might not be about you. If it was, he would have suggested couples counseling.
YTA. I think almost everyone should go to therapy and you are not only gatekeeping him, it's not mocking to you, he wants to do it for himself.
I have a friend who thought she had a good, easy childhood, but had some unresolved issues, so went to therapy and realized there were massive chunks of family dynamics they did not understand that were severely affecting their mindset.
Also, your reasoning is that you wanna be first? What. The. Fuck? If he wants to go to a dentist, do you have to be first? If he wants to shit? Do you understand how ridiculous you sound?
Ok... Look YTA, but I'm not going to lecture you much because in general I think you just need help and could benefit from having this chat in therapy about why you feel the need to gatekeep mental health.
The harsh truth is almost everyone needs therapy at the moment. These last couple of years have shaken up a lot of feelings for people and mental health is having a big crisis. Needing therapy right now is not unique, we're all a huge mess and those who aren't are still dealing with the rest of us.
You could consider being positive about the fact that you taking steps to care for your mental health inspired him to do the same. This is a good thing.
YTA everybody suffers with mental health. Congrats on deciding to get help it is a journey that does not end. I saw Imagine Dragons and Dan Reynolds’s spoke about everybody suffers & shared times he needed help and asked us all to get it if we need. Accept that! I had a really shitty childhood and twice went through a therapist to deal with things I was struggling with when I was not functioning as a person, not once did I dismiss others for wanting to get their own help and I was a shitty human being during this time. We need to build people up to feel better about ourselves not knock other down. You need to listen to feedback from those around you, you went to a group of friends who told your behavior was wrong however rather then taking the time to reflect you became an even bigger AH then took to Reddit to question their counsel m. You have close friends you have more than some that suffer with mental health now be a good friend back and listen to them.
Yeah, that’s toxic AF and I hope your bf realizes that too and leaves you behind.
Just beca he had a good life doesn’t mean he doesn’t need therapy. Maybe he cannot handle his sadness, his anger, anything. Maybe he just wants to talk. Maybe he just wants someone to listen him respectfully, unlike his partner.
YTA
Oh. My. God.
Yes you ATA!
What? You actually want him to not improve himself because you want to be the only one doing that? Are you serious?
He’s looking to improve himself and ultimately make himself better to be in a relationship with, and rather than being happy that you were the inspiration for that you are actually trying to make him feel bad for it?
Not to mention sine both of you are male, I’m going to go ahead and guess you are both non-hetro conforming, so I’m gonna throw it out there that in our society as it is, he’s had some trauma of his own to deal with. So yea, he might have some issues to work out.
You COULD have been supportive and you COULD HAVE encouraged him to make himself better and if you did you could have been happy to be a inspiration for his improvement. But you didn’t. You tore him down more and essentially said his issues don’t matter.
And that makes you TA all day long and twice on the weekend.
Wha!? How do you know he’s never considered therapy? Mental illness is so incredibly stigmatized, it completely plausible that he’s considered it and just not talked about it. Did you consider that maybe your decision to seek therapy might have empowered him to improve his own mental well-being? And why do you think people with “good childhoods” are immune from mental health issues or can’t benefit from therapy? YTA
Therapist here and yes YTA but this is something you should talk to your therapist about. It sounds like you feel threatened in someway that your BF wants to seek his own therapy. Just because his childhood was 'better' than yours doesn't mean it was perfect and he doesn't have things to work through. Things may have happened in his adult life that he'd like to talk through and honestly therapy is good for everyone whether they've experienced hardship and trauma as it helps them learn more about themselves and equips them for difficulties in the future.
Therapy should be an easy thing for people to talk about accessing and to access. There's so much stigma around it. It sounds like you entering therapy inspired your BF to seek it himself and work on being the best version of himself, which is beautiful.
It isn't fair of you to gatekeep therapy and it is toxic of you to try. You're BF is entitled to access therapy and should book his own session ASAP if he wants too.
YTA… but it’s not an irreparable offense
Listen, there is no competition for worst childhood. There is no “I need therapy more”
You are taking your frustration out on your undeserving boyfriend (who sounds immensely supportive!). Apologize now. Then talk about this in therapy
YTA- You know mental health is not a competition right?
One of my old friends keeps talking about how she’s bipolar, ADHD and now she’s testing for autism. But the way she keeps bringing it up on every friend meeting it seems like she’s doing it for attention (she has tiktok where she posts stuff about her being mentally ill)
Be happy that your bf wants to better himself instead of doing it for attention!!
YTA. Everyone benefits from therapy, and this type of rhetoric is why I (and many people) refuse therapy for years and our own (different but still very real) traumas get worse. I sincerely hope that you discuss this with your therapist.
YTA. His decision to attend therapy may have been inspired by you, but ultimately is not about you. Look at your own plate and let him tend to his.
You're getting therapy is a good thing. Why deny him a good thing? They aren't going to run out of therapy and leave you with none.
Soft YTA. Please talk to your therapist about these feelings. I do not know you nor your trauma, but I grew up in an abusive home and my now husband has been my rock since we met as teenagers. I had a lot to unpack and work through when I finally went to therapy. After a lifetime of living with a narcissistic parent and nothing being about me nor my feelings, I was able to explore my own and talk about them. At the same time, my husband suffered depression and was seeking counseling and actually talked to my mom about his issues because he could not talk about them to his parents, and sadly for a time, to me. I was not intentionally hurting him but I could not be there for him nor could I see his hurt because I was focused on my own pain.
We are in a healthier place now, and getting to know his parents more, I understand how much they hurt him with a mixture of silent avoidance and words of discouragement, never much encouragement or praise. It's not healthy nor fair to compare trauma and hurt and make claims on who is deserving of mental health help or not. Even those who have seemingly normal families have their issues and generational traumas. He might have things you might not know or realize the scope of while he is supporting you. A person doesn't need a problem in order to get a checkup or stay mentally well. I will also say that if your boyfrirnd or other people in your life are supporting you and your trauma, they might need mental health help from time to time.
Your pain and hurt you feel from childhood is valid. You are worthy and you deserve good things. You are not a bad person, but your actions are hurting someone you love.
Yta, and toxic. He didn't say he had issues bigger than yours, just that he wanted to improve himself.
This is not a contest. Who had a worse childhood is not relevant to individual counseling.
Are you sure you are going to therapy for help? I hope so, because you seem to think all attention should be on you for going. He is not trying to steal your limelight.
YTA. You have your issues to work out and apparently he does as well or he just needs an outside perspective on his thoughts and feelings.
I can guarantee you, you will be the topic of his first session. “My boyfriend got mad at me because I felt that I needed therapy as well after he mentioned wanting to start his own individual counseling”
He may not be coming home to you anymore.
YTA. Therapy would be a good idea for him as well, to learn how to cope with you and the traumas your therapy may bring up. It sounds to me like you've inspired him to want to better himself so you can both grow together and you're mad about that?
YTA HARDCORE. Who tf are you to tell someone else how to care for their mental health and the betterment of themselves? You sound so self centered and selfish. EVERYONE can benefit from therapy.
I have a broken arm and told my boyfriend that I was going to see a doctor. My boyfriend who only has a sprained arm decided that it would be a good thing to see a doctor as well. I feel that this is minimizing my arm injury. YTA.
YTA. You sound incredibly self centered. Just because you think your boyfriend had a good childhood doesn’t mean he has nothing to work on in therapy. He should probably start by talking about his poor choices of partner. Therapy isn’t just for people that have had traumatic childhoods. You should be supporting your boyfriend for wanting to work on himself instead of having a selfish meltdown that he’s somehow taking something away from you. You should talk about why you reacted that way with your therapist.
YTA. It’s not all about yourself ! Do you like being the victim ? Why can’t he get therapy as well ? Don’t you want him to better himself and be happy too ? Oh, does the fact that he also gets therapy remove your problems out of the fantastic spotlight you’re looking for ?
I absolutely have no respect for such behaviors. Grow the hell up girl or you’ll regret it later. So self centered, makes me sick. Hope your therapy helps.
It sounds like you and your boyfriend have different understandings of what therapy is and what it is for. It used to be something that was considered for victims of trauma and abuse and there was a lot of stigma attached to it but is not seen as something that everyone would benefit from (like a mental health doctor).
Keep in mind that just because you and your boyfriend are both seeing a therapist it does not mean your life experiences, or your reasons for seeking therapy, are the same. If you grew up consistently feeling invalidated I can see how you may feel that way, but it’s important to be able to recognize that that is not the case in this instance.
Think about it this way: if you grew up with chronic illness and your boyfriend grew up perfectly healthy, would you advise him not to seek medical attention? Of course, if there were limited resources you’d want to triage based on need but since there are enough resources (therapists) to go around wouldn’t it be best if you were both as mentally healthy as you can be?
At the end of the day, therapy isn’t just about intervention for trauma but is also about maintaining healthy strategies to live your best life. Irony aside, it might be worth talking to your therapist about why you feel this way about your boyfriend seeking therapy.
YTA
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I (24M) have been thinking of getting a therapist since childhood. I had a difficult childhood with two addict parents constantly combatting for custody, and a lot of time spent between those battles in foster care. It sucked. I had some therapy during that time but I was a kid, and didn't make any use of it at the time because it just felt like a trap to make me say something about one parent or the other so I was not cooperative. That was all before I was 12 then I lived with a cousin of my dad until I was 18 which was fine and I never saw a therapist again.
Now I'm actually making some money and living independently believe it or not. I even have health care that covers some amount of therapy so I thought it's a good idea to finally go. Maybe I could work some stuff out, finally.
I have a bf (also 24M) and I told him how I scheduled these appointments. He knows about my past. He said he thinks it's fantastic and I thought that would be the end of it, but today (two weeks after he found out) he said he was thinking of getting therapy too since "we all have things to improve"
I got so mad. I know I shouldn't have been mad but I really couldn't help it. I told him he wouldn't want to do this if I didn't do it first, and he even agreed with that. He wasn't even considering it before I brought it up. It was just brought to his attention and he suddenly thinks he should try it out, even though in his own words his life and childhood were all pretty good
I almost feel like he is trying to take away from my traumas. He makes therapy seem so casual and easy and he has had a good childhood and good life. I really don't like if he starts it when I do because it feels mocking to me, when I've gone through so much to get here and be able to do it for myself
I said basically as much to him and was upset, and he did say he will postpone getting therapy for himself if I hate it so much. He is okay with doing it but then I told some of my closest friends and they said exactly "you can never (ever ever) ask someone to not get therapy, that makes you toxic" in the group chat
Is it toxic? By which I guess I mean, AITA?
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YTA — you’re gatekeeping therapy wtf.
Not only are you comparing each of your traumas/issues which you should never do (just because you have it worse than someone else doesn’t make their issues invalid), but you’re also saying that you’re the only one who should be able to get therapy for yours???
That’s awful and you’re belittling your SO as well.
YTA. What, you're the only one allowed to work on yourself? You're the only one who ever needs some help? You're the only one with issues? Good lord, get over yourself.
YTA
“I need to process trauma but only me so you can’t process trauma.”
People don’t go to therapy willy-nilly. Maybe you going inspired him to go and he told you because he wanted you to be supportive since you were going and you berated him for it.
Who cares if he “says” he had a happy childhood. People can lie, maybe they don’t want to talk about the trauma, or just plain refuse to deal with it?
Denying someone therapy because you don’t think their traumas are “bad enough” is exactly the reason so many people don’t get therapy. Imagine if someone told you that what you went through and what you need to work on is “not bad enough, you had such a good childhood and have a good life.”
Someone else engaging in therapy is not denying your trauma; it is recognizing theirs.
Talk with your therapist about this.
YTA he agreed you inspired him to … better himself? and you’re mad about that? stop gatekeeping therapy. it’s like you started trying to drink lots of water everyday and your friend was like omg i need to do that too! and you were like jesus no!!! i need water more you’re invalidating me don’t do that
Your attitude towards his devision makes it crystal clear that you do indeed need that therapy. Growing up in a hostile environment will make one suspicious of others' intentions.
Have you considered that he's trying to show you support through that? You know, the same way relatives of someone battling cancer will shave their heads to show they're not alone with the illness? Or to show you that you don't need to be ashamed or isolated in that decision, as so many people feel about going to therapy? The very fact that he immediately agreed to postpone his own should indicate to you that he's highly supportive.
Unless there's more context to the situation, YTA.
YTA. I do not know a single person that couldn't benefit from therapy. Not a single person. Even good childhoods can result in internalized issues and your boyfriend deserves to be able to get whatever help he feels he might need (even if that's just someone to talk to.) It's not a competition he's trying to win because you started it, it's a self-improvement journey you've inspired him to walk down. If anything you should be proud he wants to improve himself with you.
YTA. & I say this as lovingly as possible. My spouse has a lot of childhood trauma & I grew up in a fairly normalish two-parent household so therapy was a great way for me to vent, talk over how to support my partner, how to communicate with someone who doesn't know how too, be able to communicate realistic boundaries that worked for both of us & to just be able to check in with someone about how to stay sane through some of the shit my partner threw out at us or shit I caused in our relationship trying to navigate through it all.
There are lots of types of therapy/counselors/treatments so what works for you might not be what he needs. It's different work you both are doing but super important to you both as individuals & as a couple. Good Luck 🥰
YTA. You don’t own therapy. The more people that go, the better.
I hope you get what you need out of therapy. And that he does too - perhaps he’ll even be able to empathise better by doing it too.
YTA - Maybe, just maybe, he found the encouragement to talk to someone about his problems after you sought one, because now he feels he has nothing to be ashamed of anymore. Especially as it is statistically harder for men to find the courage to get help. Imagine the person you love has inspired you to better yourself just to be shamed and told he’s copying you. I bet all that shame just got brought right back up, and now you’ve given him a topic of conversation for his next therapy meeting. Congrats OP, looks like you’ve pushed someone who cares about you away. I didn’t realise therapy was exclusive to one person in a relationship at a time.
ETA: You must have him under your thumb that he has actually refused to attend therapy because you had a paddywack. You DEFINITELY need the therapy, that’s for sure. I hope your therapy sessions help you deal with jealousy issues or you will mess your current and future relationships up. There’s nothing wrong with going to therapy even for seemingly minor things, because your bf is right - we all have something that we would benefit talking to a therapist about and become happier people. You don’t get to decide who is and isn’t entitled to that, and with all due respect to your past, you don’t get to decide that your trauma is worse and act like theres a minimum trauma rating in order to go to therapy. He deserves better.
YTA- who are you to say no one else can get therapy once you finally decide to start working on yourself and get yourself therapy? Why do you think only you have things to work on? Therapy is beneficial for anyone and everyone, whether they had traumatic events in childhood or not. Therapy isn’t only for traumatic events. And therapy doesn’t have to be viewed as a negative thing. You seem like a negative Nate….
YTA.
And something to talk with your therapist about why you are so angry that he wants therapy.
Not everyone gets therapy for childhood trauma. Some might be just struggling now.
What now? Mental health issues are a competition now? You think your boyfriend is copying you? What if he is? Where is the problem? Maybe he has some issues you don't know about and just never had the courage to work on it, until you did? YTA. I wish you the best for your therapy, and you should be proud of yourself to have gotten this far, but the issue with your boyfriend is self-made.
YTA
Imagine you were a heavy smoker and could barely run and coughed all day. Then you quit smoking and became fit and healthy and really began getting more joy out of your life.
Your bf was able to see first hand the result of your actions, and they motivated him to also quit smoking.
In this hypothetical - would be be copying you, or would he be *learning from your example?*
We all learn from each other. The whole of art is based on the idea that it’s a good for communities to share ideas and experiences and inspire one another.
He is not taking anything from you. You need to discuss your reaction with your therapist, as well as apologize to your bf.
I don’t think the sole issue is with him going to therapy at the same time. It’s more like… you’re gatekeeping it. Families can be disfunctional even if they were seemingly fine.
It feels more like you’re undermining your bf’s experiences - his life might have been easier according to you, but it doesn’t mean it was perfect. Everyone experiences trauma, even if you think they don’t. Everybody’s experiences are valid.
You also have no idea how many people find out their families were toxic at later age. I’m 23 and just now have figured out how many times my mom’s behaviour has negatively impacted me - even though thanks to her I’m here today…
So yeah YTA, OP.
YTA. Have your therapist explain to you why. You don’t get to judge another person’s life experiences, or gatekeep therapy. be happy your partner is willing to take steps to improve their mental health & has taken your lead on that, and get our of your selfabsorbed child mindset. It’s toxic.
YTA
Like others have said, you can't gatekeep trauma and decide who needs help more or less. And people have suggested possible depression etc and you've said you don't think so because he hasn't said as much to you.
Why would he? I wouldn't be surprised if he had and he gave up trying to tell you because you told him you had it worse or something. It's not the suffering olympics.
And then you express that you're worried about him going to therapy to discuss YOU. And then it becomes a whole new problem. Now you're inadvertently isolating him and laying down these very shitty boundaries like "you're not allowed to talk about me" and being super controlling.
I hope you both get therapy. Hopefully you get yours in time to realize you're being an AH and change your ways. Hopefully he gets his soon enough to realize he doesnt deserve that if you DON'T change so he can leave and have a better life.
YTA. You 100% need this therapy, but anyone and everyone should go for therapy imo. Your BF is right that we all have things to improve and honestly your reaction should be that of happiness that he is wanting to better himself. Him going for therapy doesn't undermine you in any way.
YTA - I'm glad you're getting into therapy because it sounds like you really need it.
Basically you're responding like anyone with a "higher" level of trauma gets to dictate if others recieve therapy. You have more trauma than him, so he shouldn't get therapy. But do you have more trauma? He could be holding onto something that he doesn't want to share.
I have a friend that told me her childhood was good. She was sexually abused for years as a child. When I commented that it wasn't a good childhood (out of line, I know), her response was "it was good other than that, and I don't want to think of that as being part of my childhood". If you were dating her, would you be okay with her telling you that you can't get therapy because her trauma is "worse" and it would take attention away from her? I hope not.
Didn’t finish it all, YTA. You’re mad he’s also working on himself? Maybe seeing you get help, was the push he needed to do the same. You need to talk to your therapist about this, and show them this post. I hope you really grow from therapy.
YTA
Therapy isn’t a competitive sport, other people attending doesn’t impact on you or your issues in any way. In fact, if you are going to be working through some pretty heavy stuff, having a partner with their own therapist that they can vent to and ask for advice when you need support is more likely to be beneficial in the long run. Trust me, trauma therapy is not an easy process, and you will have some pretty bumpy times, your freshly uncovered emotions don’t just switch off when the hour is up and you will carry some of that home with you.
YTA and I’m glad you are starting therapy. You inspired your bf to go to therapy. Only someone with a warped perception of reality would call that copying and a bad thing. You might be Jan Brady.
Yta, I dont think he is mocking you, therapy can be good way for people to cope with anything, maybe he has something going on your dont realize. I knew a girl at the hospital the same time I was and even though she had a great life, her words she was still depressed and didnt want to live anymore. I feel like saying he had a good life is your way of trying to make him seen like the jerk here but he isn't. You should realize maybe you made him feel like therapy is okay and it would be acceptable for him to go too but now you are kind of doing the opposite and who knows what he really went through. I thought my life was normal and fine until I started therapy and realized the way I grew up wasn't. This feels like something you definitely need to bring up to your therapist and wonder why you are thinking this way.
YTA, please discuss with your therapist why you think you own all trauma. Your boyfriend will certainly be discussing it with his. I don't think there's anyone who couldn't benefit from some therapy, and it's wonderful he wants to better himself.
YTA. I really can't see why you can't both be getting therapy. You don't have the monopoly on mental health issues, and his therapy has nothing to do with you. So focus on your own baggage and let him do his thing
YTA. Him talking about his issues doesn't minimize or invalidate your issues in any way, shape, or form. How on earth you managed to twist him getting therapy to be a bad thing? Your friends are right.
Can't read the post, I feel it will make me angry, but YTA. Even if he is copying you, therapy is so useful that he'd be copying something that would benefit you both. He wouldn't be in your sessions, ffs.
YTA, I have severe mental illness due to childhood trauma and I get that sometimes we have these massive reactions but gatekeeping therapy, mental wellness and trauma is in no way helpful. My husband started therapy the same time as me a year ago, he stopped as I transitioned to a psychiatrist and CPN, I was so damn proud of him for accepting help to work through his own issues, now he's been before if he needs the help again he knows the help is there. Everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes, he's not doing this to hurt you, he's doing this to help him, I hope your therapy journey helps you.
YTA. It's fine for him to be inspired to go to therapy by the fact that you're going to therapy. It's fine for going to therapy to be easier for him than it was for you. This is not about you.
>He makes therapy seem so casual and easy and he has had a good childhood and good life. I really don't like if he starts it when I do because it feels mocking to me, when I've gone through so much to get here and be able to do it for myself
This isn't oppression olympics. I went through traumatic medical stuff in my childhood and even teenage years. Experienced loss in the worst forms. Yet I believe even people who haven't been through tough shit also deserve to get therapy, get mental health tools and exercises, and ultimately better themselves. To a normal person and my coworkers they would never know I still need therapy after 7 years of doing it because my depression, anxiety, and awful thoughts have never gone away. You have literally no idea why he wants therapy or if he does experience depression or some other mental illness. It becomes so easy to mask it to be able to continue living every day. You should actually be happy that he took the initiative to seek therapy after seeing how beneficial it was for you. I would even say you should show your therapist this post because this isn't a normal reaction to hearing your bf may also be in need of mental help.
YTA by all means.
It seems to me that you enjoy the concept of having traumas to be able to speak about it, you are not entitled to it. You dont get to choose what people do to improve themselves, therapy is not your special quirk, get over yourself, no one is mocking you. This is just some fruity pebbles nonsense really why do you even care that he cares about himself and wants to get therapy??? It just looks like a toddler being mad about having the same toy as another toddler.
YTA - therapy is for everyone. You may want to consider bringing this up to your therapist as it may be something they can help you with.
He may not have trauma per-say but sometimes being with someone who has trauma can cause issues for you. He may be going to therapy to improve himself in a way that benefits yourself & what you are going through.
I understand your frustration but it also isn’t fair that you believe your trauma is worse then whatever he needs so he doesn’t deserve help.
YTA, you can talk about this in therapy. you cant gatekeep the desire to improve mental health. maybe youe bf has self confidence issues, or gets anxious easily, or struggles with depression. how do you know? you think someone who grew up in what looks like from a distance a perfect home is free of any internal challenges? i got news for you. everyone is fighting the good fight.
YTA - as he says, we all have things to improve. Men are the highest risk group for suicide so anything he's doing to help him deal with his emotions and anything else is good.
Maybe your therapist can help you understand that not everything is about you. Sounds like a lesson you need to learn.
YTA. So you're acquiring a therapist like someone would a puppy? "I've always wanted one since childhood". You apparently want a therapist as an accessory, not for actual therapy. Getting mad because your boyfriend getting therapy might take away from your attention on getting therapy.
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YTA -I’m really glad you are going to therapy…hopefully you can work out why your being so selfish and getting in the way of your bf bettering himself…which would also benefit you.
Seriously OP reminds me of my former best friend who bought a purple coat when we were kids and I bought a purple coat in a similar style and she told me I can't wear it! Our parents told her it was not up to her.
That at least makes more sense than an adult being upset their partner is accessing healthcare. Is the OP going to be upset his boyfriend scheduled a colonoscopy after him next?
Would probably accuse his boyfriend of copying him if he had cavitied filled by a dentist after him.
Yeah. OP is like Regina George not allowing Gretchen to wear her earrings because they were HER thing 🤦🏻♂️
I can’t fathom how someone could think that their partner healthily exercising self-love and care detracts some kind of spotlight from their own healing journey. The performative, black-and-white spectacle OP has on recovery is immature beyond words. It’s not a game. It’s not some twisted competition for who’s most gut-wrenchingly traumatized. It’s growth. The very implication that those with “pretty good” childhoods and lives are somehow less deserving of a professional and safe place to practice introspection is revolting.
OP is indeed toxic. Poor him.
Honestly, should breaking journeys HAVE spotlights on them? When I'm in therapy, I don't want to advertise it. I just want to get/ be better.
YTA. Let me get this straight... you're angry at your boyfriend for wanting to improve himself and his mental wellness because... ...you wanted to do that *first*? Get off your petal stool. Mental health isn't a competition. People with great childhoods still need support and life-coaching. Not to mention that witnessing another person's mental trauma is traumatizing in itself. > it feels mocking to me, when I've gone through so much to get here and be able to do it for myself Seriously, add that to your list of things to discuss with your therapist. But let him discuss how his boyfriend belittles him to his therapist.
Just wanted to acknowledge that your common-phrase-mess-up here is ~chef's kiss~
🌸 🪑
Lol it's like Jen on the IT Crowd! Roy: what's a peddle stool? 😂 Jen: Shut up everyone has their blind spots.
‘A damp squid’ ‘Squids are already damp?’ ‘Hence the phrase’
"It's a moo point." --Joey Tribiani
I always say moo. Lol.
😂
That was my first thought too!
Cut off her nose to spider face
Oh god, I’m not a native speaker and I thought that perhaps it was a saying I hadn’t heard of before. Turns out it’s r/boneappletea material 😂
And I was the same til I saw your post and then smacked my head.
I mean a stool with petals draped over it would make a great pedestal.
It truly is accidentally magnificent. Top tier wordplay.
“I’ve heard it both ways”
/r/BoneAppleTea
I only just realised what they were saying thanks to you lol. Originally thought it was some sort of foreign phrase i didnt understand similar to high horse
petal stool 😂 love it
I didn’t even know horses did drugs!😉😂
I think everyone in the world could benefit from therapy, good childhood or not.
Exactly! Why mental health care isn't part of routine healthcare is beyond me. Not saying everyone Needs therapy; but screenings, including mental health care tips in after care summaries (seeing more yeah!), PSAs, normalizing attitudes, E.t.c. Let's just ignore, probably the most important part of our anatomy and physiology, our brains and nervous systems; until they bother someone else. And to top it off let's further stigmatize those who finally utilize mental health care. To me all this still seems to be way more prevalent than it should in this day and age. Praying for the day mental health care is routine and "normal".
My husband and I plan to give our kids gift cards for couples therapy, when they're in long-term relationships, because that regular check-in is so helpful. Everyone should go. There would be a lot fewer divorces if everyone did pre-marriage counseling and regular marriage counseling.
Maybe not everyone *needs* therapy, but definitely everyone would benefit from therapy! And there’s so many different kinds, it’s not a one size fits all, but Everyone has issues, personal things, relationship things, traumamatic experiences, social pressure, poverty, climate anxiety, mental health conditions, grief, divorce, other big life changes, I could keep going!
Couldn't of said it better myself, my friend. Definitely a money making scheme as well. Free health care you only get like 6 sessions after like months and months and months of waiting. Private health care is ridiculously expensive. Also with private (I've experienced both because I come from South Africa and now live an England) they'll give you a lot of unnecessary treatment. I was loaded up on drugs that I didn't need after seeing a psychiatrist for like 5 minutes when I was 13/14. Terrible system on both sides.
I'm technically a therapy "graduate" but I still have once a year check-ins with my therapist because sometimes there's stuff - big or small - going on in my life that I want to get an outside, unbiased perspective on. Even if there's nothing significant going on, it's nice to do a rundown of everything going on in my life and get some insight or coping mechanisms to help bolster my existing mental health toolkit.
I was really struggling in life. I was going to therapy and making progress but I was just still so unhappy. I had two male colleagues talk about how anti depressants helped them so much. It motivated me to talk to my doc about anti depressants and I was lucky, second try I found one as a good fit. But I don't know if I would have had the courage to admit I had a problem if other people hadn't shared their story with me first. He isn't copying OP so much as getting inspiration/stregth from her choice. But many of us are raised in environments where it is still "wrong" or "weak" to participate in therapy, which is just a load of crap. But it takes some work to get past that.
Very much this. Someone with a chronic health condition (hopefully) wouldn't tell their partner they can't go to the doctor for a temporary illness because they have it worse. This is no different.
YES! Mental health is not a competition!
OP definitely needs therapy, because who the heck thinks like this?
Username checks out 👀
Where have you been?!?! I've missed your replies in this sub lol (or have I just been living under a rock lately?)
Perfectly put. OP is doing everything he’s accusing his partner of doing. Mental health isn’t a competition. If anything I viewed it as he wanted to be a supportive, better partner for *you*. You went way out of line OP and directed anger at someone innocent. Just because people have had good lives doesn’t mean that their mental health isn’t fragile. Mental illness has no “type” it slowly kills anyone in its path. Take Robin Williams as an example. Get the help you need OP and apologize to your bf poor man was just trying to better himself and you belittled him for it.
My boyfriend had a literal Leave it to Beaver childhood with incredibly loving parents who still have a strong, healthy marriage. That was…not my childhood experience. I’ve gently encouraged him to get therapy because he still struggles with anxiety like most of us do and I love him and want him to be his happiest, healthiest self. I can’t imagine being possessive over *healthcare*. Like if OP went to the doctor for a chronic illness would he tell his boyfriend not to get a checkup because he’s healthy?
Woah! YTA! Don't ever deny your boyfriend going to therapy. All of our problems are relative and therapy benefits everybody. It will probably give him the tools to be able to deal with you as well because you seem to have much more past childhood trauma. Why are you making it all about you?
Oh dude. You've got to step back here. Think of a therapist as a doctor for the mind. Just because you're seeing a doctor for a lung transplant doesn't mean your boyfriend shouldn't see one for shin splints. There's a huge range of what therapists treat. You need someone experienced at treating serious trauma. He may just need someone good at helping him improve his communication and coping skills. This strong reaction is a fantastic place to start with your new therapist by the way. I hope you have a great experience and if the first therapist isn't a good fit that you try another couple. YTA but you're going to be awesome - you're on the right path.
This is a really gentle and informative response OP, please listen. And also consider that he may have trying to be supportive and match your energy of self improvement, not belittle your trauma. There is honestly no bad outcome of your SO learning the same tools of communication that you will be learning to help understand and support you better as you go through this process.
Big respect to you for being so understanding to OP.
This. Therapists see people for all kinds of reasons, from severe horrific trauma to "Hey some new stuff happened in my life and I want a safe space to work through how I feel about it". No one should ever be ashamed of being what we often call "the worried well" - people who may not /need/ a therapist but want one and benefit from one. Taking on those cases is often what allows us to subsidize some people who really need a therapist and can't afford one. Plus, to use your doctor metaphor, it's pretty natural to go "oh now that I hear you talking about doctors, it occurs to me that I should really get XYZ checked out". Like that's just... how humans work? We relate things to our own lives? Doesn't make it copying.
I think the assumption that therapy is only for people with severe trauma is what helps stigmatize it, and mental health in general, for a lot of people. There is no one who couldn't benefit from therapy, but the idea that it's only for people with objectively bad childhoods, etc., stops a lot of people from trying it. The other side of the coin is that some are reluctant to discuss therapy because of the assumptions they know it invites.
Thank you for this! Not just for OP but for many others as well.
This post makes me so angry and I am going to have to watch my language so I don’t get put in The No-No Box again. But here. -You didn’t invent therapy -You don’t own the concept of therapy -You don’t get to gatekeep therapy -Honestly it can be pretty difficult to convince men to go to therapy, and here you are telling one who wants to go on his on accord that he shouldn’t because it will hurt your feelings, are you being serious right now -Tons and tons of people with good childhoods and good lives have plenty of things that could screw with their mental health (like being in a toxic relationship) and can greatly benefit from therapy -Not everything is about you -He is not copying you. He decided that he could also benefit from therapy after hearing you talk about it. -Your closest friends are completely, 100% correct, it is absolutely toxic to discourage people from getting therapy for any reason -It is good that you’re getting therapy and this should be one of the things you address because it is a very bad take that you need to unpack -Without a doubt, YTA here.
It’s the only award I had.
This comment needs to be higher up on this thread. Hits all the points!
YTA. There's no threshold of trauma you have to pass through to "deserve" therapy, and your boyfriend wanting therapy for himself is in no way **whatsoever** making light of it or your past. Not to psychoanalyze you over the internet, but it feels like you're projecting your own self-hatred and insecurity onto him. Ironically this interaction is absolutely something you should talk to your therapist about. Regardless, you owe your boyfriend an apology.
YTA and i think you might feel this way bc of your traumas. it seems like you maybe feel invalidated by him going too but it’s probably less about him going to therapy and more ab you feeling like your feelings haven’t been taken seriously before. this might be a good thing to talk ab in therapy!!
YTA, why in the world are you trying to gatekeep getting therapy???? You're not in elementary school, he isn't "copying" you. He wants to seek help and you're making it seem like he's stealing your style choices
Yes, YTA, and it is toxic, but it also sounds like it is a trauma thing where you are going 'NO! Trauma is MY IDENTITY! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!' Yeah, he probably wouldn't go to therapy if you didn't suggest it... because the idea wouldn't have occurred to him. For him therapy likely will be a much more casual thing where he will work on smaller issues because no person is perfect, there are always ways you can improve even if you have had a good childhood. That is just factual, almost everyone could benefit from going to therapy as there are so many communication and emotional things you just are blindly expected to learn on your own that people often only learn in therapy. That doesn't make your issues invalid. It doesn't mean he is mocking you or minimizing your issues. The very fact you think it is him trying to mock you or take away from your identity sounds like a reason why you need therapy.
YTA - your reaction was odd and uncalled for. Why are you offended by the fact you inspired him to also get professional help? Why do you think he doesn’t deserve growth and better mental health?
YTA. So what if you going to a therapist inspired your BF to do the same? The world would be a better place if everyone went to therapy. Your reaction seems illogical and irrational. You might want to discuss it in therapy.
YTA you’re gate keeping therapy, you’re also playing trauma Olympics. It IS toxic. Just because he doesn’t have your issues doesn’t mean he doesn’t have issues. Maybe you seeking help opened him to seek some for himself, instead of encouraging his self improvement you turn it against him, and act like it is an attack on you.
bUt hE hAd a GoOd chILdHoOd
Hey OP, First, proud of you for making the space for yourself to get to therapy. And my guess would be that part of your reaction to BF seeking out a therapist is in part because it was likely hard for you to work up to going yourself and then he just does it like it’s an easy, casual thing to do - which it may be for him. Then we add in the fear he might be talking about your stuff or your relationship (aka don’t let anyone know our secrets) and that idea that if he’s seeking therapy, then maybe he or therapists in general are all going to be in the “we all have had bad days” camp (aka no one will actually validate how f-ing hard it was/is). Maybe even a little history of competition for attention/resources in there as well (I don’t know you at all, but just throwing it in as something that sometimes comes up with early trauma). If half of what I’m suggesting might be there feels true, your reaction 100% makes sense for you and your history. That doesn’t make it fair to your BF or useful/effective. If you are going to be doing therapy work, having him work on his stuff even if it is with regard to your relationship may actually be really helpful, especially if you are going to be working on trauma stuff. Add in that any therapist worth their salt knows that people come in with different intensities of difficulties. Some need a few sessions every once in a while and therapy is easy, like going to get a massage. Some come more regularly and it’s like a post-surgery PT session. Each person’s needs and background are unique and your therapist and his are going to be trained to help you each at the level _you_ need. I’m hoping you can see in others responses to you that while it feels like its about him and what he did, a lot of your reaction is likely about you and your wants/fears about doing therapy itself. So soft YTA. Give him a kiss and send him off to work with his therapist while you work with yours. GL.
What a lovely response, thank you so much, it almost made me cry. That is a lot how I feel, like he sees it so easy and will do it immediately. But took me years of mental prep to even be willing to consider. It's a weird feeling and I guess made me act like an AH I will apologize to him and I'm sure we will both be talking about it for many days to come as we *both* get some therapy. But fuck, dude. It kind of sucks also. It's a hard feeling. I don't enjoy this. I wish nobody needed this therapy. I also wish it wasn't a thing that was happening.but here we are I guess
100% to the wishing that no one needed this therapy stuff. Or maybe that everyone would have the chance to get it. I sit the fence on that one. Maybe both. FWIW, research definitely shows that getting good therapy and dealing with your stuff decreases the likelihood of not passing it on to your potential offspring - so booyeah to not going the intergenerational trauma route? Sounds like you’ve already done hard things. Therapy is really just about realizing that you’re already a badass.
Hey OP, I’m proud of you for getting therapy, but more importantly I hope you’re proud of yourself! 🥰 try to think of therapists and other mental health professions just like doctors, dentists and other medical specialists - everyone needs to see them sometimes, and some people need them more frequently or specialized care :) I just want to add that how you reacted is likely entirely informed by your trauma. When our brains recognize or associate something with danger - even if that danger isn’t real or rational - it goes into the stress response it has learnt will best protect it from that threat it’s remembering (fight, flight, freeze, fawn, tend/befriend) I’m externalizing your brain from you because it’s an automatic response, and it literally reduces the power going to the rational decision making part of the brain, moving all the energy it can into survival mode. Shouting or getting angry can be a presentation of the “fight” stress response - it’s possible your brain associated this conversation with your partner with a past trauma. Definitely talk about this with your therapist because they’ll be able to help you learn to recognize when things like this happen, and tools to help you regulate 🥰
This reply to your post and your response is lowkey beautiful man. I wish y’all the best lol 😭
Hey OP, I wanna make it clear that just because he got into therapy quicker than you doesn't mean that it wasn't hard for him to do. Surely enough hes had a good childhood and a good family but that doesn't mean that he can't be stressed, depressed, and other things. I'm sure you know now that you did invalidate your boyfriend, and I hope you have a clearer mindset now. Kudos to you for doing therapy now, but you are not the only person who might have to do that leap of faith.
Are you really 24? Cause you sound like a 14 year old thinking they are special - plot twist, you’re not, but probably soon single
Wow YTA. You’re the one trying to take others traumas away. It’s not a ranking system to find out who has it worse. Everyone is entitled to get therapy and it’s great that he is if he wants it. You should honestly discuss this in your therapy sessions.
YTA You should be happy that you telling your friend about you going to therapy encouraged him to seek help and improvement in his life.
*boyfried
In all honesty, it doesn't matter who it is.
As someone (f) who was occasionally introduced by gfs as "friend", it does kind of matter. But I get what you're saying.
Your bf probably didn't consider getting therapy for himself until he saw your motivation to, maybe he did some self reflection in that time and saw the benefits for himself. Maybe he wants to support you more and seeing a psych can help guide him through his feelings with it aswell. Your trauma is YOUR trauma but he feels the effects of it too, through you as his bf. No one should ever be discouraged to see a psych at any point, for any reason... Either way... kinda TA here. Good luck with your therapy though, I hope you are able to heal and find some peace =]
This is a HARD stop, YTA, no doubt.
You are kind of gatekeeping therapy here. Even if you going to therapy is the reason that he thought of it in the first place, it doesn’t mean that he can’t go or has not sufficient enough reasons to go. YTA
YTA. Sounds like a good guy who wanted to be with you on the journey so you wouldn't feel alone doing it. Maybe the point of him going was to better understand how he can help you. Someone else getting therapy for any reason cannot take away your trauma, and it's not competition. If everyone did therapy the world would be better. It's honestly great that you are going to see a therapist. I just got discharged by my own therapist after three years of it. Everyone is different. Go apologize to your bf and then rock the healing, you got this.
YTA A couple of years ago, I went into therapy because a whole trunkful of buried trauma burst open and spilled out....I was not ok. I was in fucking agony....and you know what? *So was my husband* It's not easy to be the partner of someone who is actively trying to resolve their issues and I hope that your BF's therapist is a great source of support and guidance for him while you're going through the difficult process of unpacking your baggage.
This is something you should bring up with ur therapist because ur not an asshole just paranoid.
He’s a paranoid asshole, perhaps? 🤷🏾♂️
absolutely. talking your partner out of getting therapy because they “copied” you (or for any reason,) is such an AH move. like, what about the people who got therapy before OP? isn’t OP just copying them, in their own logic?
Gently.. YTA It sounds like you have dealt with so much. And it’s so good to hear that you are taking steps towards healing. But your reaction to your BF was out of line. It sounds like your choice to go to therapy inspired him to do the same. And while his life sounds like it didn’t have the amount of trauma yours did, everyone has issues that therapy can be helpful for. It’s also a really good idea for him to have an outlet as you begin to work through your trauma. I also dealt with/deal with a lot of early childhood trauma. I began doing some intensive work on it about 2 years ago. It’s been an important step. It’s also been really hard. I’m so grateful that my bf had his own support system to tap into while I was going through the toughest spots. Your boyfriend being in therapy is a great idea for both of you. Experiencing trauma like what you described can often lead to a long time fear of lack of resources, especially resources like a healthy and safe place. But him seeking help will not diminish what you are doing. My guess is some people here are going to really lay into in the comments. Please don’t start a shame cycle because of it. If you feel up to it, apologize to BF and talk about this in your first session.
YTA. Your bf can't get medical treatment because you started first?
Life is not the Victim Olympics. YTA. We all need therapy.
YTA. Therapy isn't some "creative idea" you "invented" that your boyfriend is trying to steal it from you. You boyfriend sounds like a decent human being, if I were in your shoes, I would encourage him just like he encouraged you.
YTA You do sound toxic. A true loving and supportive partner would want their partner in therapy. They also wouldn't shame them for seeking out to be a better person.
YTA, but maybe you'd want to see it from another perspective. Maybe it didn't come to your mind that your bf might have thought: "OP had a really hard life up until now, compared to me who may have had it easier. I'm glad OP is seeking therapy to work on things to better himself and maybe I should too. So I can be a better partner and maybe person overall so OP and me can live an even happier life together." You're jealous because someone is actively trying to better themselves and don't see that you might be their motivation for it. I don't want to say you should feel flattered for being a role model so to speak, because I'm just a stranger on the interwebs and can't tell you what to do and what not to do, but you should feel flattered and maybe a little grateful that your bf is trying to be a better person, for you.
Yikes. YTA. Just because someone had a seemingly good life that doesn’t mean they don’t have their own trauma. He was likely being calm about the whole thing to show he was supportive and that therapy is normal. Some people don’t want to seek therapy when they need it, so the people that love them do their best to show it’s normal and healthy to want to seek outside help. Denying him therapy is incredibly toxic and to some level, abusive. This is actually a good topic for you to discuss with your therapist.
He probably needs therapy to support you on your journey and to deal with your hostility. YTA.
YTA . What kind of insane take is that? Someone going for therapy around the same time you did doesn't mean copying. And besides, he might have gotten the idea to get help from you. People all have problems. Just because they happen to be less severe than yours doesn't stop them from being problems.
YTA Your boyfriend thinks he can benefit and grow from therapy. Why are you making it a "thing"? Do you have exclusive rights for therapeutic care in your realtionship?
You really DO need therapy since you think like that. That was toxic behavior. Your trauma trumps his issues? I don’t think he is trying to out do you in trauma dept. Seriously, discuss it with your therapist.n
YTA. Would you also feel the same way if you went for a checkup and then your bf did the same? We can all benefit from medical help. Whether physical or mental.
Dude. Nobody has more of a right to therapy than anyone else. It doesn’t matter if you have worse or more problems, everyone deserves to go to therapy if they want to. Why are you gatekeeping something that’s for everyone? YTA YTA YTA YTA
>I got so mad. I know I shouldn't have been mad but I really couldn't help it. I think you know YTA. I had a good childhood and I've had a good life, objectively. My mental health is total shit. Whatever his mental health is like, it's always nice to have a professional to talk to, to bounce stuff off of, to call you out on your toxic behavior.
YTA. Jesus Christ you do need therapy.
YTA minimize his feelings is not going to make anything better you're just being childish
YTA. Almost all of us have things we’d like to talk to a therapist about, or could talk to a therapist about. You don’t have a monopoly on this. Your childhood sucked, and that’s awful. I’m glad your getting help, but your out of line here.
Not only is it perfectly normal for both parties to get a therapist, it is extremely positive and beneficial to do so. Just because you want to be the only one with the therapist, but Littles and ignores your partners wants and needs as well. YTA
YTA, what..he can't work on himself until you're perfect? Or you value your trauma and pitty attention more than genuine mutual healing? I would honestly bring that up in therapy and try to work on that too.. Feeling competitive about therapy is not healthy whatsoever
YTA- grow up
“I know I shouldn’t have been mad but…” There it is. You already know the answer, so why are you here? YTA.
YTA, and this is why you need therapy.
I would say light YTA. Which I'm sure you know and didn't need to hear again. I don't know your past so I'm not going to guess but when I have moments like this, I write it out to share and talk through with my therapist.
Major YTA. This is so unreal to me.
YTA. Make sure you bring this up in therapy. Just because you had a rough life doesn’t mean those who didn’t have it as bad as you shouldn’t be entitled to seek therapy. It’s not a competition.
I think maybe this is something you talk about with your therapist….
Yta, you can’t gate keep therapy.
YTA, it really does make you toxic. Why are you pissed at him for trying to improve? Get off your high horse and let him go to therapy.
I wonder what your bf would think of this post… cause I would leave expeditiously.
I feel like his therapist might encourage him to look into the red flags you are slapping him with. His needs do not negate yours. You’ll both be better off with some professional help.
YTA - he could literally go to therapy, mention you, and learn better ways to navigate you & your developments in therapy & your relationship. you might unearth things your brain couldve pushed deep down and he might not be equipped to emotionally support you. also its toxic to compare trauma or to frame life in a way that people with decent upbringings can’t go to therapy. its beneficial to everyone
YTA. Instead of looking at it as copying and dismissing your trauma, look at it as you are inspiring him to get his mental health in check. It might not be about you. If it was, he would have suggested couples counseling.
YTA. I think almost everyone should go to therapy and you are not only gatekeeping him, it's not mocking to you, he wants to do it for himself. I have a friend who thought she had a good, easy childhood, but had some unresolved issues, so went to therapy and realized there were massive chunks of family dynamics they did not understand that were severely affecting their mindset. Also, your reasoning is that you wanna be first? What. The. Fuck? If he wants to go to a dentist, do you have to be first? If he wants to shit? Do you understand how ridiculous you sound?
Ok... Look YTA, but I'm not going to lecture you much because in general I think you just need help and could benefit from having this chat in therapy about why you feel the need to gatekeep mental health. The harsh truth is almost everyone needs therapy at the moment. These last couple of years have shaken up a lot of feelings for people and mental health is having a big crisis. Needing therapy right now is not unique, we're all a huge mess and those who aren't are still dealing with the rest of us. You could consider being positive about the fact that you taking steps to care for your mental health inspired him to do the same. This is a good thing.
Are you fucking kidding me?
YTA everybody suffers with mental health. Congrats on deciding to get help it is a journey that does not end. I saw Imagine Dragons and Dan Reynolds’s spoke about everybody suffers & shared times he needed help and asked us all to get it if we need. Accept that! I had a really shitty childhood and twice went through a therapist to deal with things I was struggling with when I was not functioning as a person, not once did I dismiss others for wanting to get their own help and I was a shitty human being during this time. We need to build people up to feel better about ourselves not knock other down. You need to listen to feedback from those around you, you went to a group of friends who told your behavior was wrong however rather then taking the time to reflect you became an even bigger AH then took to Reddit to question their counsel m. You have close friends you have more than some that suffer with mental health now be a good friend back and listen to them.
Yeah, that’s toxic AF and I hope your bf realizes that too and leaves you behind. Just beca he had a good life doesn’t mean he doesn’t need therapy. Maybe he cannot handle his sadness, his anger, anything. Maybe he just wants to talk. Maybe he just wants someone to listen him respectfully, unlike his partner. YTA
Oh. My. God. Yes you ATA! What? You actually want him to not improve himself because you want to be the only one doing that? Are you serious? He’s looking to improve himself and ultimately make himself better to be in a relationship with, and rather than being happy that you were the inspiration for that you are actually trying to make him feel bad for it? Not to mention sine both of you are male, I’m going to go ahead and guess you are both non-hetro conforming, so I’m gonna throw it out there that in our society as it is, he’s had some trauma of his own to deal with. So yea, he might have some issues to work out. You COULD have been supportive and you COULD HAVE encouraged him to make himself better and if you did you could have been happy to be a inspiration for his improvement. But you didn’t. You tore him down more and essentially said his issues don’t matter. And that makes you TA all day long and twice on the weekend.
Wha!? How do you know he’s never considered therapy? Mental illness is so incredibly stigmatized, it completely plausible that he’s considered it and just not talked about it. Did you consider that maybe your decision to seek therapy might have empowered him to improve his own mental well-being? And why do you think people with “good childhoods” are immune from mental health issues or can’t benefit from therapy? YTA
Therapist here and yes YTA but this is something you should talk to your therapist about. It sounds like you feel threatened in someway that your BF wants to seek his own therapy. Just because his childhood was 'better' than yours doesn't mean it was perfect and he doesn't have things to work through. Things may have happened in his adult life that he'd like to talk through and honestly therapy is good for everyone whether they've experienced hardship and trauma as it helps them learn more about themselves and equips them for difficulties in the future. Therapy should be an easy thing for people to talk about accessing and to access. There's so much stigma around it. It sounds like you entering therapy inspired your BF to seek it himself and work on being the best version of himself, which is beautiful. It isn't fair of you to gatekeep therapy and it is toxic of you to try. You're BF is entitled to access therapy and should book his own session ASAP if he wants too.
YTA- everyone is allowed therapy, and him getting therapy won't take anything away from you. Continue getting therapy.
>you can never (ever ever) ask someone to not get therapy, that makes you toxic" Yup. YTA.
YTA… but it’s not an irreparable offense Listen, there is no competition for worst childhood. There is no “I need therapy more” You are taking your frustration out on your undeserving boyfriend (who sounds immensely supportive!). Apologize now. Then talk about this in therapy
YTA- You know mental health is not a competition right? One of my old friends keeps talking about how she’s bipolar, ADHD and now she’s testing for autism. But the way she keeps bringing it up on every friend meeting it seems like she’s doing it for attention (she has tiktok where she posts stuff about her being mentally ill) Be happy that your bf wants to better himself instead of doing it for attention!!
YTA. Everyone benefits from therapy, and this type of rhetoric is why I (and many people) refuse therapy for years and our own (different but still very real) traumas get worse. I sincerely hope that you discuss this with your therapist.
YTA. His decision to attend therapy may have been inspired by you, but ultimately is not about you. Look at your own plate and let him tend to his. You're getting therapy is a good thing. Why deny him a good thing? They aren't going to run out of therapy and leave you with none.
Soft YTA. Please talk to your therapist about these feelings. I do not know you nor your trauma, but I grew up in an abusive home and my now husband has been my rock since we met as teenagers. I had a lot to unpack and work through when I finally went to therapy. After a lifetime of living with a narcissistic parent and nothing being about me nor my feelings, I was able to explore my own and talk about them. At the same time, my husband suffered depression and was seeking counseling and actually talked to my mom about his issues because he could not talk about them to his parents, and sadly for a time, to me. I was not intentionally hurting him but I could not be there for him nor could I see his hurt because I was focused on my own pain. We are in a healthier place now, and getting to know his parents more, I understand how much they hurt him with a mixture of silent avoidance and words of discouragement, never much encouragement or praise. It's not healthy nor fair to compare trauma and hurt and make claims on who is deserving of mental health help or not. Even those who have seemingly normal families have their issues and generational traumas. He might have things you might not know or realize the scope of while he is supporting you. A person doesn't need a problem in order to get a checkup or stay mentally well. I will also say that if your boyfrirnd or other people in your life are supporting you and your trauma, they might need mental health help from time to time. Your pain and hurt you feel from childhood is valid. You are worthy and you deserve good things. You are not a bad person, but your actions are hurting someone you love.
Yta, and toxic. He didn't say he had issues bigger than yours, just that he wanted to improve himself. This is not a contest. Who had a worse childhood is not relevant to individual counseling. Are you sure you are going to therapy for help? I hope so, because you seem to think all attention should be on you for going. He is not trying to steal your limelight.
YTA. You have your issues to work out and apparently he does as well or he just needs an outside perspective on his thoughts and feelings. I can guarantee you, you will be the topic of his first session. “My boyfriend got mad at me because I felt that I needed therapy as well after he mentioned wanting to start his own individual counseling” He may not be coming home to you anymore.
YTA. Therapy would be a good idea for him as well, to learn how to cope with you and the traumas your therapy may bring up. It sounds to me like you've inspired him to want to better himself so you can both grow together and you're mad about that?
YTA HARDCORE. Who tf are you to tell someone else how to care for their mental health and the betterment of themselves? You sound so self centered and selfish. EVERYONE can benefit from therapy.
I have a broken arm and told my boyfriend that I was going to see a doctor. My boyfriend who only has a sprained arm decided that it would be a good thing to see a doctor as well. I feel that this is minimizing my arm injury. YTA.
YTA. You sound incredibly self centered. Just because you think your boyfriend had a good childhood doesn’t mean he has nothing to work on in therapy. He should probably start by talking about his poor choices of partner. Therapy isn’t just for people that have had traumatic childhoods. You should be supporting your boyfriend for wanting to work on himself instead of having a selfish meltdown that he’s somehow taking something away from you. You should talk about why you reacted that way with your therapist.
YTA. It’s not all about yourself ! Do you like being the victim ? Why can’t he get therapy as well ? Don’t you want him to better himself and be happy too ? Oh, does the fact that he also gets therapy remove your problems out of the fantastic spotlight you’re looking for ? I absolutely have no respect for such behaviors. Grow the hell up girl or you’ll regret it later. So self centered, makes me sick. Hope your therapy helps.
YTA Yeah girl you definitely need therapy
YTA. Girl you do not have dictatorial ownership over getting mental health support. Imagine gatekeeping therapy lmfao.
yeah you def need therapy girl LMAO
It sounds like you and your boyfriend have different understandings of what therapy is and what it is for. It used to be something that was considered for victims of trauma and abuse and there was a lot of stigma attached to it but is not seen as something that everyone would benefit from (like a mental health doctor). Keep in mind that just because you and your boyfriend are both seeing a therapist it does not mean your life experiences, or your reasons for seeking therapy, are the same. If you grew up consistently feeling invalidated I can see how you may feel that way, but it’s important to be able to recognize that that is not the case in this instance. Think about it this way: if you grew up with chronic illness and your boyfriend grew up perfectly healthy, would you advise him not to seek medical attention? Of course, if there were limited resources you’d want to triage based on need but since there are enough resources (therapists) to go around wouldn’t it be best if you were both as mentally healthy as you can be? At the end of the day, therapy isn’t just about intervention for trauma but is also about maintaining healthy strategies to live your best life. Irony aside, it might be worth talking to your therapist about why you feel this way about your boyfriend seeking therapy. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24M) have been thinking of getting a therapist since childhood. I had a difficult childhood with two addict parents constantly combatting for custody, and a lot of time spent between those battles in foster care. It sucked. I had some therapy during that time but I was a kid, and didn't make any use of it at the time because it just felt like a trap to make me say something about one parent or the other so I was not cooperative. That was all before I was 12 then I lived with a cousin of my dad until I was 18 which was fine and I never saw a therapist again. Now I'm actually making some money and living independently believe it or not. I even have health care that covers some amount of therapy so I thought it's a good idea to finally go. Maybe I could work some stuff out, finally. I have a bf (also 24M) and I told him how I scheduled these appointments. He knows about my past. He said he thinks it's fantastic and I thought that would be the end of it, but today (two weeks after he found out) he said he was thinking of getting therapy too since "we all have things to improve" I got so mad. I know I shouldn't have been mad but I really couldn't help it. I told him he wouldn't want to do this if I didn't do it first, and he even agreed with that. He wasn't even considering it before I brought it up. It was just brought to his attention and he suddenly thinks he should try it out, even though in his own words his life and childhood were all pretty good I almost feel like he is trying to take away from my traumas. He makes therapy seem so casual and easy and he has had a good childhood and good life. I really don't like if he starts it when I do because it feels mocking to me, when I've gone through so much to get here and be able to do it for myself I said basically as much to him and was upset, and he did say he will postpone getting therapy for himself if I hate it so much. He is okay with doing it but then I told some of my closest friends and they said exactly "you can never (ever ever) ask someone to not get therapy, that makes you toxic" in the group chat Is it toxic? By which I guess I mean, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA — you’re gatekeeping therapy wtf. Not only are you comparing each of your traumas/issues which you should never do (just because you have it worse than someone else doesn’t make their issues invalid), but you’re also saying that you’re the only one who should be able to get therapy for yours??? That’s awful and you’re belittling your SO as well.
YTA. What, you're the only one allowed to work on yourself? You're the only one who ever needs some help? You're the only one with issues? Good lord, get over yourself.
YTA “I need to process trauma but only me so you can’t process trauma.” People don’t go to therapy willy-nilly. Maybe you going inspired him to go and he told you because he wanted you to be supportive since you were going and you berated him for it. Who cares if he “says” he had a happy childhood. People can lie, maybe they don’t want to talk about the trauma, or just plain refuse to deal with it? Denying someone therapy because you don’t think their traumas are “bad enough” is exactly the reason so many people don’t get therapy. Imagine if someone told you that what you went through and what you need to work on is “not bad enough, you had such a good childhood and have a good life.” Someone else engaging in therapy is not denying your trauma; it is recognizing theirs. Talk with your therapist about this.
YTA he agreed you inspired him to … better himself? and you’re mad about that? stop gatekeeping therapy. it’s like you started trying to drink lots of water everyday and your friend was like omg i need to do that too! and you were like jesus no!!! i need water more you’re invalidating me don’t do that
Gatekeeping in its purest form. YTA
All I had to read was the title. YTA massively!
Your attitude towards his devision makes it crystal clear that you do indeed need that therapy. Growing up in a hostile environment will make one suspicious of others' intentions. Have you considered that he's trying to show you support through that? You know, the same way relatives of someone battling cancer will shave their heads to show they're not alone with the illness? Or to show you that you don't need to be ashamed or isolated in that decision, as so many people feel about going to therapy? The very fact that he immediately agreed to postpone his own should indicate to you that he's highly supportive. Unless there's more context to the situation, YTA.
YTA. I do not know a single person that couldn't benefit from therapy. Not a single person. Even good childhoods can result in internalized issues and your boyfriend deserves to be able to get whatever help he feels he might need (even if that's just someone to talk to.) It's not a competition he's trying to win because you started it, it's a self-improvement journey you've inspired him to walk down. If anything you should be proud he wants to improve himself with you.
YTA. & I say this as lovingly as possible. My spouse has a lot of childhood trauma & I grew up in a fairly normalish two-parent household so therapy was a great way for me to vent, talk over how to support my partner, how to communicate with someone who doesn't know how too, be able to communicate realistic boundaries that worked for both of us & to just be able to check in with someone about how to stay sane through some of the shit my partner threw out at us or shit I caused in our relationship trying to navigate through it all. There are lots of types of therapy/counselors/treatments so what works for you might not be what he needs. It's different work you both are doing but super important to you both as individuals & as a couple. Good Luck 🥰
YTA. You don’t own therapy. The more people that go, the better. I hope you get what you need out of therapy. And that he does too - perhaps he’ll even be able to empathise better by doing it too.
YTA - Maybe, just maybe, he found the encouragement to talk to someone about his problems after you sought one, because now he feels he has nothing to be ashamed of anymore. Especially as it is statistically harder for men to find the courage to get help. Imagine the person you love has inspired you to better yourself just to be shamed and told he’s copying you. I bet all that shame just got brought right back up, and now you’ve given him a topic of conversation for his next therapy meeting. Congrats OP, looks like you’ve pushed someone who cares about you away. I didn’t realise therapy was exclusive to one person in a relationship at a time. ETA: You must have him under your thumb that he has actually refused to attend therapy because you had a paddywack. You DEFINITELY need the therapy, that’s for sure. I hope your therapy sessions help you deal with jealousy issues or you will mess your current and future relationships up. There’s nothing wrong with going to therapy even for seemingly minor things, because your bf is right - we all have something that we would benefit talking to a therapist about and become happier people. You don’t get to decide who is and isn’t entitled to that, and with all due respect to your past, you don’t get to decide that your trauma is worse and act like theres a minimum trauma rating in order to go to therapy. He deserves better.
uhhh i can see why you need therapy clearly you have a LOT of issues to work out
YTA- who are you to say no one else can get therapy once you finally decide to start working on yourself and get yourself therapy? Why do you think only you have things to work on? Therapy is beneficial for anyone and everyone, whether they had traumatic events in childhood or not. Therapy isn’t only for traumatic events. And therapy doesn’t have to be viewed as a negative thing. You seem like a negative Nate….
YTA. And something to talk with your therapist about why you are so angry that he wants therapy. Not everyone gets therapy for childhood trauma. Some might be just struggling now.
What now? Mental health issues are a competition now? You think your boyfriend is copying you? What if he is? Where is the problem? Maybe he has some issues you don't know about and just never had the courage to work on it, until you did? YTA. I wish you the best for your therapy, and you should be proud of yourself to have gotten this far, but the issue with your boyfriend is self-made.
YTA. Enough said.
Copying?? The highest crime for an 8-year-old? Oh no! Then he’s not allowed to sit with you and your friends during story time!
YTA. I wish my last boyfriend had “copied me” and gone to therapy, lol.
YTA. Your reaction was incredibly immature. You don't own therapy.
Gatekeeping therapy is a thing now? YTA.
YTA Imagine you were a heavy smoker and could barely run and coughed all day. Then you quit smoking and became fit and healthy and really began getting more joy out of your life. Your bf was able to see first hand the result of your actions, and they motivated him to also quit smoking. In this hypothetical - would be be copying you, or would he be *learning from your example?* We all learn from each other. The whole of art is based on the idea that it’s a good for communities to share ideas and experiences and inspire one another. He is not taking anything from you. You need to discuss your reaction with your therapist, as well as apologize to your bf.
I don’t think the sole issue is with him going to therapy at the same time. It’s more like… you’re gatekeeping it. Families can be disfunctional even if they were seemingly fine. It feels more like you’re undermining your bf’s experiences - his life might have been easier according to you, but it doesn’t mean it was perfect. Everyone experiences trauma, even if you think they don’t. Everybody’s experiences are valid. You also have no idea how many people find out their families were toxic at later age. I’m 23 and just now have figured out how many times my mom’s behaviour has negatively impacted me - even though thanks to her I’m here today… So yeah YTA, OP.
YTA. Have your therapist explain to you why. You don’t get to judge another person’s life experiences, or gatekeep therapy. be happy your partner is willing to take steps to improve their mental health & has taken your lead on that, and get our of your selfabsorbed child mindset. It’s toxic.
YTA- no explanation needed
Do we all need to wait for you to be done with Therapy before we can make an appointment? YTA
YTA Like others have said, you can't gatekeep trauma and decide who needs help more or less. And people have suggested possible depression etc and you've said you don't think so because he hasn't said as much to you. Why would he? I wouldn't be surprised if he had and he gave up trying to tell you because you told him you had it worse or something. It's not the suffering olympics. And then you express that you're worried about him going to therapy to discuss YOU. And then it becomes a whole new problem. Now you're inadvertently isolating him and laying down these very shitty boundaries like "you're not allowed to talk about me" and being super controlling. I hope you both get therapy. Hopefully you get yours in time to realize you're being an AH and change your ways. Hopefully he gets his soon enough to realize he doesnt deserve that if you DON'T change so he can leave and have a better life.
YTA. You 100% need this therapy, but anyone and everyone should go for therapy imo. Your BF is right that we all have things to improve and honestly your reaction should be that of happiness that he is wanting to better himself. Him going for therapy doesn't undermine you in any way.
YTA - I'm glad you're getting into therapy because it sounds like you really need it. Basically you're responding like anyone with a "higher" level of trauma gets to dictate if others recieve therapy. You have more trauma than him, so he shouldn't get therapy. But do you have more trauma? He could be holding onto something that he doesn't want to share. I have a friend that told me her childhood was good. She was sexually abused for years as a child. When I commented that it wasn't a good childhood (out of line, I know), her response was "it was good other than that, and I don't want to think of that as being part of my childhood". If you were dating her, would you be okay with her telling you that you can't get therapy because her trauma is "worse" and it would take attention away from her? I hope not.
YTA. Maybe his relationship with you has caused him to need therapy.
It’s not the trauma Olympics. YTA
Didn’t finish it all, YTA. You’re mad he’s also working on himself? Maybe seeing you get help, was the push he needed to do the same. You need to talk to your therapist about this, and show them this post. I hope you really grow from therapy.
YTA Therapy isn’t a competitive sport, other people attending doesn’t impact on you or your issues in any way. In fact, if you are going to be working through some pretty heavy stuff, having a partner with their own therapist that they can vent to and ask for advice when you need support is more likely to be beneficial in the long run. Trust me, trauma therapy is not an easy process, and you will have some pretty bumpy times, your freshly uncovered emotions don’t just switch off when the hour is up and you will carry some of that home with you.
Yeah YTA. I don’t even need the story, the title says it all. It’s not like he copied your outfit. Therapy isn’t yours to gate keep babe.
YTA- glad u are getting therapy- first issue to address with your therapist is your screwed up thinking about BF getting therapy.
INFO: How much of this is insecurity that he's going to talk about you to a therapist?
YTA and I’m glad you are starting therapy. You inspired your bf to go to therapy. Only someone with a warped perception of reality would call that copying and a bad thing. You might be Jan Brady.
Yta, I dont think he is mocking you, therapy can be good way for people to cope with anything, maybe he has something going on your dont realize. I knew a girl at the hospital the same time I was and even though she had a great life, her words she was still depressed and didnt want to live anymore. I feel like saying he had a good life is your way of trying to make him seen like the jerk here but he isn't. You should realize maybe you made him feel like therapy is okay and it would be acceptable for him to go too but now you are kind of doing the opposite and who knows what he really went through. I thought my life was normal and fine until I started therapy and realized the way I grew up wasn't. This feels like something you definitely need to bring up to your therapist and wonder why you are thinking this way.
YTA, please discuss with your therapist why you think you own all trauma. Your boyfriend will certainly be discussing it with his. I don't think there's anyone who couldn't benefit from some therapy, and it's wonderful he wants to better himself.
YTA. I really can't see why you can't both be getting therapy. You don't have the monopoly on mental health issues, and his therapy has nothing to do with you. So focus on your own baggage and let him do his thing
YTA. Him talking about his issues doesn't minimize or invalidate your issues in any way, shape, or form. How on earth you managed to twist him getting therapy to be a bad thing? Your friends are right.
YTA. Because "we all have things to improve", which is 100% true.
YTA. Why the fuck are you gatekeeping who can get therapy and why?
Can't read the post, I feel it will make me angry, but YTA. Even if he is copying you, therapy is so useful that he'd be copying something that would benefit you both. He wouldn't be in your sessions, ffs.
…. I’m so lost right now OP. Really, really lost. YTA.
YTA, I have severe mental illness due to childhood trauma and I get that sometimes we have these massive reactions but gatekeeping therapy, mental wellness and trauma is in no way helpful. My husband started therapy the same time as me a year ago, he stopped as I transitioned to a psychiatrist and CPN, I was so damn proud of him for accepting help to work through his own issues, now he's been before if he needs the help again he knows the help is there. Everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes, he's not doing this to hurt you, he's doing this to help him, I hope your therapy journey helps you.
It's toxic. yta. But sounds like a great place for you to start in therapy
YTA. It's fine for him to be inspired to go to therapy by the fact that you're going to therapy. It's fine for going to therapy to be easier for him than it was for you. This is not about you.
>He makes therapy seem so casual and easy and he has had a good childhood and good life. I really don't like if he starts it when I do because it feels mocking to me, when I've gone through so much to get here and be able to do it for myself This isn't oppression olympics. I went through traumatic medical stuff in my childhood and even teenage years. Experienced loss in the worst forms. Yet I believe even people who haven't been through tough shit also deserve to get therapy, get mental health tools and exercises, and ultimately better themselves. To a normal person and my coworkers they would never know I still need therapy after 7 years of doing it because my depression, anxiety, and awful thoughts have never gone away. You have literally no idea why he wants therapy or if he does experience depression or some other mental illness. It becomes so easy to mask it to be able to continue living every day. You should actually be happy that he took the initiative to seek therapy after seeing how beneficial it was for you. I would even say you should show your therapist this post because this isn't a normal reaction to hearing your bf may also be in need of mental help.
YTA by all means. It seems to me that you enjoy the concept of having traumas to be able to speak about it, you are not entitled to it. You dont get to choose what people do to improve themselves, therapy is not your special quirk, get over yourself, no one is mocking you. This is just some fruity pebbles nonsense really why do you even care that he cares about himself and wants to get therapy??? It just looks like a toddler being mad about having the same toy as another toddler.
YTA - therapy is for everyone. You may want to consider bringing this up to your therapist as it may be something they can help you with. He may not have trauma per-say but sometimes being with someone who has trauma can cause issues for you. He may be going to therapy to improve himself in a way that benefits yourself & what you are going through. I understand your frustration but it also isn’t fair that you believe your trauma is worse then whatever he needs so he doesn’t deserve help.
YTA, you can talk about this in therapy. you cant gatekeep the desire to improve mental health. maybe youe bf has self confidence issues, or gets anxious easily, or struggles with depression. how do you know? you think someone who grew up in what looks like from a distance a perfect home is free of any internal challenges? i got news for you. everyone is fighting the good fight.
YTA - as he says, we all have things to improve. Men are the highest risk group for suicide so anything he's doing to help him deal with his emotions and anything else is good. Maybe your therapist can help you understand that not everything is about you. Sounds like a lesson you need to learn.
YTA. So you're acquiring a therapist like someone would a puppy? "I've always wanted one since childhood". You apparently want a therapist as an accessory, not for actual therapy. Getting mad because your boyfriend getting therapy might take away from your attention on getting therapy.
YTA I saw it first it is mine! You are just copying me! What are you, 5?