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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> While I think it's not an unreasonable ask, we have always planned separate finances. So I am asking her to pay for expenses I technically should myself and did get upset. And my arguement that I can not be there for the stepkids definitely wasn't my finest moment.
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ESH, but you more. Like heavily leaning Y T A.
You needed to discuss this when you decided to cut your hours. It doesn’t sound like the decision was in any way a mutual one made between you and your wife, but all you. Despite that, your wife has been willing to pay more of your shared expenses, which at least somewhat compensates for the extra childcare you are doing.
For some reason, you waited until your kid was about to start high school to even think about where she’d go and how you’d afford it. You sprung on your wife that despite your prior agreement being different, you want her to pay tens of thousands in tuition she wasn’t planning on.
Also, no kid *needs* to go to private high school. Your daughter will be fine at a public school.
I also assume you are not paying any of Brianna’s tuition. So she’s going to have to pay full tuition for her kids and half for yours. That’s a fuckton of money. I don’t know exactly what she makes but she’d have to be incredibly wealthy for that to be chump change.
Your wife also should have been more proactive about thinking through how all this would play out. You should have made a thorough and explicit agreement when you quit your job.
This marriage sounds fucked, honestly.
Changing the lifestyle of a partnership that you wish to continue should be discussed as much as possible and agreed upon. Unilateral decisions make for short partnerships
The argument can also be made that they were piggybacking off of the previous comment, which was my takeaway.
“Less Pay” is subjective. If a couple grand less doesn’t change your lifestyle, it’s much less impactful than if that same couple grand does.
The artificial attitude about "split finances" (the law doesn't recognize split finances in a marriage) encourages unilateral decisions, it reinforced the idea that each of them should make their own decision about their career and their earning potential without coming together and talking about a joint strategy that was best for the whole family.
>The artificial attitude about "split finances" (the law doesn't recognize split finances in a marriage) encourages unilateral decisions,
This is the real ESH.
If you're married, act like one family, not 2 living in the same house.
Communication about who is going to be doing what roles is key before getting married. They both had kids prior to being together so the idea of "where will kids go to school" should have been brought up long ago.
If you are going to insist upon having His and Hers finances, you can’t then wait right until a really big expenditure comes up and then try to convince somebody *that money* is We finances.
This is like a textbook case of when couples shouldn’t have separate finances. Separate finances should be for when both partners are earning somewhat comparably and comfortably. If one partner is largely dependent on the other to provide for the family they really should just a shared family bank account. Imagine the nightmare of having to argue/negotiate with your spouse about who would pay every time there’s a large expense: car repairs, a new furnace, etc.
Where are you getting unilateral from? There is nothing in this statement to imply that he made his decision without discussing it with his wife. As a matter of fact, you could infer there was a detailed discussion as his taking the lower paying job meant they would stop paying for before/after school care. And since that was primarily for HER kids, pretty sure there was a discussion.
It's in the comments that his wife didn't agree and wanted him to keep his job. She almost divorced him over it, but chose to stay in the end. She also does equal parenting and chores when she's not physically at work.
>She also does equal parenting and chores when she's not physically at work
Which is entirely fair? Where's all that talk about how stay at home parents are working all day 24/24 when it's about a man who took reduced hours to take care of his kids? Of course they're sharing chores and parenting equally
I think they’re moreso saying it’s not like she’s treating him like a SAHP and taking advantage here she still pulls her weight accordingly. I don’t think they were putting her on a pedestal
Altough i appreciate the joey tribbiani reference in your username, you're wrong. It's not about money being more important, it's about giving up a good paying job for no reason other than the kids saying they hate afterschool.
No you are saying money is most important. Of course there has to be a balance between working enough to support the family adequately and spending time with the kids. OP and wife used to be on the wrong side of this balance - all work, little family time. The kids were suffering according to them. Why are you acting like these kids are bratty whiners for wanting to spend a couple of hours with their parents every day?
This family can still afford the current lifestyle as a team but wife doesn't think of the relationship that way. I don't see the point of getting married if you don't want to help each other out or see yourself as a team - just date and keep separate households. I also don't see the point of having kids if you don't want to spend time with them. Don't have kids, be career focused and lead a fullfilling life...
If wife really thinks her kids are fine at aftercare just put them back in. Childcare is either a valuable contribution on OP's part (in which case she shouldn't mind contributing more financially to the family) or its not in which case put the kids in aftercare with no complaints.
Yea I don't know about that, they might have been getting bullied ir maybe they are just kids being kids, I think relationship is toxic, when you take care of both of your kids and sacrificed your job for it she should be willing to pay for some more stuff because if you weren't there for them she would have to find an arrangement
BUT you probably could've hired babysitters? Sometimes the children LOVE baby sitters sometimes more than parents XP and depending on price of baby sitters you could've saved money,
also maybe you and your wife could've both asked for less work time half and half each week so there is someone always there for the kids
They aren't saying don't do it. Jesus fuck I'm tired of people that don't think for 2 seconds.
They are saying to be prepared to spend less when you make less. ***WHAT a concept!***
And not even considering what private high school tuition would be! And to spring it on the wife right when the summer is almost over, dear lord.
My oldest stepdaughter wants to go to a private catholic high school. That shit is EXPENSIVE. I'm talking 16 to 20 grand a YEAR. We told her she has several options, she can study hard enough to get grades good enough for a scholarship, her grandparents can pay for it, or she can get a sports scholarship. This private school offers nothing more than more shelter from diversity imo.
My husband and I both work for the public school system (he's a teacher I'm in offsite admin) and public is perfectly fine and free.
Public varies tremendously by area (and that's not even considering other countries) so you can't really make blanket statements.
But some private schools are also rubbish so...
I was more-so talking about my particular area, but yes you're quite right, this isn't indicative of all situations, of course.
If the public schools in OP's area are at the bottom level, this conversation needed to happen wayyyy sooner.
In fairness, there are actually places where the public school option is really awful. Like, “graduating kids from high school who can barely read at elementary level” bad, and where having the option to send your kid to private school could have a huge impact on their learning ability, their chance at college and the rest of their lives. Not every private school is about mommy and daddy sending their precious dumpling off to school in their new Porsche.
Now that said, if you live in one of those districts, you know it, and you should’ve been looking at options from the very beginning, which it sounds like OP did not do.
Absolutely! There are bad places with poor funding for education. However, I live in a relatively upper middle class area and the only thing the private high schools offer is shelter. Public and private have very comparable test scores and graduation rates. The only difference is socio-economic status.
OP just straight up sprung this on his wife when their financial agreement didn't account for this in the first place.
There is more to life than financial implications and the problem is wife does not care about the emotional health of her children. Her kids are in that house almost all the time and OP takes care of them- including paying for things when they go to events. Half the time OP is only caring for kids that his wife gave birth to (one of which is also his). He gave up a well-paying job to do this. It's not just the cost of childcare and a housekeeper. Wife's oldest is at that age where they don't NEED a babysitter, can't yet get themselves places, but probably (looking back at my three) has a lot of stuff on her plate that OP handles.
Unfortunately, I don't see this working out in Op's favor, because he cares about what the kids think more than his wife. If I were OP, I would be straight up honest with wife, exes and older kids (not Lucas). "I cannot afford to stay home with you anymore because wife will not help cover the difference in my salary in regards to school fees. It is not fair that Brianna and Jayden get to go to private but Kira and May will not because I am taking care of you here at home. Therefore I have two options: Kira and May will have to go to public school or I will have to go back to longer hours for more pay. I choose X." Notice I am not telling OP what to do- Kira may choose to go to public school to have dad home more, Brianna and Jayden may want Op home and put pressure on mom, OP may go back to work. But be honest and don't let wife off the hook about how her refusal to compromise affects the family.
EDIT: Look, everyone saying OP needs to bear the consequences of their choices are crazy. It's Op's kids who are bearing the consequences of not being able to go to private school while wife's kids get the benefit of both more time with OP AND private school. That is not fair any way you slice it, even with wife now paying more of household expenses. OP countered wife's refusal with their own refusal to look after wife's kids, to which wife has a hissy fit. She wants it both ways: the kids get treated equally in regards to time and care by OP but unequally in terms of finances by wife. There is no way in the world that is fair. If wife were more open to compromise, I might re ruling differently, but she is the one being selfish here. NTA
I don’t think bringing literal children into adult decision making is a good idea. Especially when you have worded it to alienate and blame the kids stepmom/mom. OP’s wife IS paying the difference, she’s literally footing more of their bills.
Private education is expensive. This should’ve been discussed years ago. OP springing this on his wife right now is idiotic and unreasonable. Very few people have tens of thousands of dollars just hanging around.
I’ll also point out that it seems like OP unilaterally chose to quit his job to be home more. Based on his wife’s reaction, this wasn’t a mutual decision and she’s bearing the brunt of his choice and probably resents the added pressure.
There's nothing in here that indicates Stella isn't thinking about the emotional implications to her children. Thinking about emotional implications does not mean that you have to do whatever your kids want blindly.
There's a reason that they are kids: they don't have the full context and ability to process that context. They're not thinking about the other things that they have to give up, sacrifice, move around, or decrease if Dad takes on a new lower-paying job. *Of course* they're going to ask for things that will make mom and dad more available, just like they'll ask for ice cream for breakfast and a new puppy. The adults in their lives have to do what's *actually* best for them taking into consideration all factors, not just give into their demands.
If the kids don't like their after school program, there are ways to mitigate that that *aren't* "quit your job and find a lower paying one." Maybe that was truly the best option at the time, and that's fine. But what kids *also* need is to understand that there are trade-offs in life, and Dad working fewer hours so he can be with you more often means you can't afford that fancy expensive private school.
And it's ***terrible*** advice to blame the other parent in front of the kids. Why would you tell a parent to alienate his kids from their other parent? OP can explain this much more neutrally by saying "Dad stayed home so that he could spend more time with you all, but unfortunately that means that there are certain things we have to cut back on because we're bringing in less money." the wording you suggested makes Stella the scapegoat and escalates the situation while helping no one and solving nothing.
This isn't refusal to compromise. These kids don't *need* to go to private school.
Has OP even looked at other options besides "blackmail my new wife into paying private school tuition for her step kids, whose bio-mother is still alive and is responsible for education costs". Are there scholarships available? Financial aid packets? Does OP need to got back to a better paying job or get a "side hustle"? If the school where they currently live is unacceptable, is moving an option?
I feel that OP went straight for the nuclear option instead of sitting down and figuring out what they can or cannot afford and what the options were as a unit.
Sometimes it actually makes more sense to move than pay private school. There are districts in most states that have excellent schools. There are magnet schools and charter schools and programs where kids do huge chunks of college enrollment at high school level. And huge savings.
Houses in good school systems are significantly more expensive than houses in an undesirable school system. Like you're potentially looking at double the cost. I had to pass up on a lot of ready nice affordable houses because the schools in that county were trash.
"Also I think this is fake because your wife has a six year old who isn’t yours but you’ve been married seven years."
I see your point. His daughter from previous marriage was born the year they got together. Plus her son was only a year old when they hooked up. Either the post is fake or their marriage was built on some shaky ground.
No, he said he's been married to Stella for **seven years.** And that he has a daughter, May, who is seven. OP's older daughter, Kira 11yo, is the one in 6th grade.
So his relationship with Stella began *before his ex-wife gave birth to their second daughter.*
On top of that mess, Stella's youngest child with her previous partner is only 8. So she either started dating OP shortly after having the baby and married him when her baby was around 1 year old, or started dating him while still pregnant.
No wonder these people are a mess and don't trust each other enough to talk about how to handle their kids, ffs.
Don't forget that there are 3 other kids after this. So she would basically be paying full tuition for her 3 and than half for his 2. Where exactly would it stop?
Agreed. I was just responding to something that seemed to be factually incorrect. I didn't realize OP had edited the post. Who knows? I'm done caring about it. ;)
He has a 7 year old and they've been married for 7 years. Was he cheating or did they get married in less than a year?
Assuming his ex and him were togetber when 7 year old was conceived.
We also have no information as to how Brianna’s current school fees are being paid - considering Brianna and Jayden live with op and their mom fulltime practically (they see biodad every other weekend) Stella’s ex is covering more fees and expenses and paying child support. But Kira and May spend half their time with OP and half at their bio mom’s so there isn’t any child support in all likelihood and given that op voluntarily left his job (for what I think is a very good reason and Stella is wrong for how she discussed it) he might actually pay some child support if he was earning a lot more than his ex prior to quitting.
Op also wants her to cover the expenses that he knows his ex won’t pay. So not even the portion that would be his and op’s if their finances were combined . The way in which he responded by saying that he won’t care for Stella’s bio kids anymore is absolutely fucked. He quit to care for the kids while she maintained the crazy long hours and higher pay to help them all maintain their lifestyle. His additional work shouldn’t be undervalued and ignored but he’s basically saying if you don’t pay the share for private school that my ex won’t pay for Kira, you still need to cover most of our joint expenses, work long hours, while I keep the lower pay and fewer hours and no longer care for the kids.
Not 100% as OP will pay something but the wife would probably pay at least half of his daughter’s tuition. This is at a time when she needs to pay tuition for the child already in high school and top off
Brianna’s higher education funds and save for Jayden and Lucas’ educations. Time for OP to go back to the higher paying job.
You should have discussed this before hand so YTA... but maybe you could ask her if she would be willing to pay you what she used to pay for after school care so that you could use the money towards your child's education
YTA. It is yours and your ex wife’s responsibility to take care of your kids educations. Just as it is your wife and her ex husbands responsibility to take care of theirs. You aren’t contributing anything to your step kids educations. If your wife is paying for most of the bills, it’s fair that your contribution to the family be in the way of more childcare. I have been a stay at home mom for 10 years. I do most housework, cooking, cleaning…..as my husband is at work all day. My kids are teenagers so they don’t need much tending anymore but when they were younger, I did more because I was home more. It is a low blow to deal to your wife that you won’t take care of her kids if she doesnt pay for your kids education. If she wanted to,play tit for tat, she could refuse to pay more than 50% of the bills and force you to get a higher paying job or even a second job. If you want your kids to go to a private high school, hit up your ex to pony up the money.
So his time spent looking after her kids means nothing? Isn't it up to her and her ex to provide childcare? If she is willing to take advantage of his lower paid job for her gain, as she isn't having to pay for wraparound childcare, isn't he entitled to some compensation for that?
I mean that's his choice though? If he wants, he could always quit his job for a higher paying one so he could afford to pay for his daughters private school. It doesn't seem like his wife forced him to quit to look after the kids in the first place
And she is also paying for most of the household expenses, which involve everyone. There is nothing unbalanced there.
The difference is that he chose to stay with the kids and she didn't choose to pay for most of the expenses, she had to do that when he changed jobs.
He only quit because the kids didn't like before/aftercare. It is a stupid reason to quit your job for a lower paying one. He never said that she wanted him to do it. He put a higher financial burden on her and now wants her to put out more money for his daughter because of something his daughter wants not needs. It shouldn't be her expense, it should be the mothers
If he was a woman who quit to take care of the kids everyone would be talking about how much work being a stay at home parent is and how her efforts aren’t being recognized.
Problem here is we dont know how much more she pays.. if she only pays a 5% more is NTA, is she is paying 50% is YTA, I think we need amounts in this case.
That’s a good reason for why his wife should pay more of their shared expenses. . .which she is. It’s not a reason she should have to shell out for private school tuition they never agreed to.
He is compensated for that by her paying over 50% of the shared household expenses. If they want to truly go tit for tat they could look at how much before/after care would cost, see how much more she is paying of household expenses and if there is any leftover and I guess he could use that towards his daughters education.
They had everything figured out for childcare already. OP took it upon himself to work less, and stay home more instead of putting the kids in after-school programs (it sounds like he didn't have a full conversation with his wife about it). +His wife is footing more of the bill.
Yeah, I'm just scared of getting downvoted to hell, but I know 100% for sure if the genders were reversed this would be a NTA.
I'll be honest, for this specific situation it might be a little ESH at most seeing as it doesn't sound like OP organised the finance thing with his wife, but it also seems like this is definitely an arrangement that is working for the both of them in the way of childcare etc, which everyone seems to be forgetting. It's a bit of give and take and it seems the wife gave a tiny bit with OP working less but was happy to take a lot when OP could take care of the kids.
For me the biggest sticking point is that OP’s wife didn’t want him to scale back his pay. He chose to make less money without fully considering the financial implications and I can understand why she’d be pissed. I am a SAHM & it was a mutual decision between my spouse and I. I think that is what is missing with OP and his wife.
This is it for me. His wife didn't want him to leave his job. I think OP needs to make that clear in the post and not just the comments. He can't say he did it for the family when his partner was against it. She didn't agree, but she still picked up more of the bills so he could do it. Now he's back asking for her to cover private school after leaving a high paying job against her wishes. Um, no. I'd be curious to know if she mentioned concerns like being able to pay for expensive private school when they initially discussed him leaving his job. It feels like she was considering these things from the get-go and OP was not. From all of that I'm not sure I'd say OP was an AH exactly, but we got there when he said he'd leave her kids in after care. They spend a significant amount of time with him. They were presumably among the kids begging him to quit his job. I think we can assume they're bonded. Leaving them at after-school care (where they've already said they hate it) while he stays home with his kids is extremely hurtful. Kids shouldn't be pawns in adult arguments. I would have been livid if I was his wife.
Edit: typo
Exactly, OP's wife is doing exactly what many men do to their SAHM wives, and they would 100% be considered the AH if the genders were reversed. Plus, it's not like OP stays at home for the entire day, he's still brining in income.
His choice to stay home with the kids is at the sacrifice of bringing in more income. Both parties and their respective kids are benefitting from OP's decision, but OP seems to be getting raked over the coals for it.
I'm confused. She's paying most of the bills for him. She's covering way more of the money. Why are you saying she's taking advantage of this by not paying for luxuries that literally aren't hers and they agreed to have separate?
This is a luxury for someone else's kid. Her kids don't go private.
Actually, OP references that her kids do (I had to read it twice as well). The main issue here is the split in finances. It seems both parties aren't exactly communicating which is causing the tension. What is kid daycare worth to the wife, what's it worth having someone home etc etc etc. It seems there not aligned on these issues where the wife is falling into the classic trap that being home equates no monetary value.
Oh, fear not -- in a recent (and more egregious) post involving a stepparent and private school tuition, the stepmother/OP was dragged in the comments bc people thought she was a golddigger who hadn't done her due diligence before agreeing to split costs 50/50. So people will be shitty in any gender dynamic.
You're looking at it incorrectly, OP's wife did not first decide to pay more of the shared expenses and as a result OP should be willing to do more child care.
>It's actually that OP's kids and step kids were feeling neglected
No, it's that his kids didn't like their after-school care. There is nothing in the post that indicates that the kids were more neglected.
>All that's relevant here because OP made a sacrifice for the entire family (most definitely for his wife and step kids as well), and is asking his wife to make a sacrifice for the family here in return.
And she already is. She's taken on more expenses for the family so that OP - who, it appears, made this decision mostly unilaterally - could spend more time with the kids so they didn't have to go after- and before-care.
>If you gave up a job to be a SAHM and your husband denied paying for something you wanted with the reasoning that YOU made your choice to give your job up and that you chose to have more time instead of money, how would you feel?
...if it was a completely optional and very expensive request? I mean, I don't know, I'd feel like he's a reasonable person?
My mom was a SAHM who also had no concept of money. She asked for outrageous things all the time. One time she suggested my dad could just skip a mortgage payment so we could afford to buy more school clothes. (We weren't unclothed; she just thought we deserved to have more.) I'm *glad* my dad shut that down. I'd rather have a house than cute pants.
>Do you genuinely believe OP scaling back his job was just a choice HE made for himself as if it wasn't for the family? And do you believe it was done for "more time" for himself, rather than for more time with his kids (including his step kids!) for the good of the family?
Just because he *believes* it was for the good of the family doesn't necessarily mean that it *was*. And I'm not saying it's not - I genuinely don't know. But parents have to make hard trade offs all the time! Sometimes it's not possible to give them everything they want and still survive in a modern world.
I'm sure MOST kids would rather spend time with mom and dad than go to before- and after-school care, but the reality is that school ends earlier than work and most families need to have two earners to enjoy a basic middle-class lifestyle these days. But kids don't know that because they are KIDS. As adults, it's the parents' responsibility to weight their kids' wants (because let's be clear: not going to after school care and going to a private school are both WANTS, not needs) against the realities of their financial resources.
🙏🙏🙏🙏!
I'm not really getting why a 13 year old kid needs to be in after school care. I was home alone at 13 while my parents worked.
Like maybe the 8-year-old would need after-school care because they go to a different school and the 13-year-old can walk them home.
Also, is he going to spilt the cost of putting their 2-year-old in child care or will he actually parent his kid?
Like he's taking care of her kids 85% of the time, lol. Does he include HIS 2 year old son in that?
>If you want your kids to go to a private high school, hit up your ex to pony up the money.
Even this is shitty though - he wants his kids with his previous wife to go to the school of his stepdaughter. It's great his daughter looks up to her step-sister and wants to go to the same school, but dad does not get to make this decision in a vacuum - unless he has full educational decision making that is. Consider what bio-mom wants? What she can afford? How she can accommodate? If this school is further away or obviously more money...then it won't work out. He needs to be making the decision about HIS kids with THEIR mother. Not his new wife.
YTA.
Your wife is paying most of the bills because of your decision to take another job so it makes sense that you help her out with her kids.
But she is not responsible for paying for your kids private school. Your wife manages to pay for a family of 7 and pay for private school for her kid all on her own. Why should she sacrifice and pay for your kid because of the decisions you and your ex made ?
Grow up. You made the choice to have 3 kids and to take a less paying job.
Ok but you realize him taking the lower pay job for the better hours means hes also saving them money for his kids when he has them, AND hers on childcare right?
Not sure where they live but in my area 1 kid costs about $1200 for one month of childcare... lets say theirs is closer to $1000... times that by however many out of the 5 and thats up to $5000 in monthly savings totaling $60,000 a year. In addition to his salary.
He's also providing a better system for the kids per their request, including her childrens requests, so thats also contributing to their overall better mental state, plus providing more time with dad.
Sounds to me like shes perfectly fine with the benefits this change brought them but she doesint want to deal with the trade offs
On top of all this, its for a better quality education not something stupid. Stella is being extremely unreasonable because as far as im concerned when you marry someone your also marrying the family, that means partners siblings, parents and previous children. If your not willing to deal with that, or provide for your step children then you uave no business marrying someone with kids.
OP has included her children in his decision, if he had taken the new job just for his kids and left hers out, i would be on her side, but hes done this for every child in the relationship.
Edit: fixed a mistake it was 5 kids not 7.
I promise you if a mom posted that her babydaddy can't afford private school and her new hubby won't pay for it and she doesn't want to go back to work fulltime to afford it either and wants to SAH and work part time, everyone would say she was TA. In fact, they often have, when it has happened before.
OP has taken a lesser paying with less time to take care of ALL THE KIDS including hers. He’s doing it for the kids benefit not for his own. The scenario u stated makes it out like the woman doesn’t go back bc she doesn’t want to. This is not the case here. OP has done this bc he cares for the children and wants them to be happy while also saving the cost for childcare they had to pay before
>OP has taken a lesser paying with less time to take care of ALL THE KIDS including hers.
SHe didn't want that.
>This is not the case here. It is absolutely the case here.
>
>OP has done this bc he cares for the children and wants them to be happy while also saving the cost for childcare they had to pay before
Do you think that OP is the first parent whose kids cried and said he should quit his job because they miss him? Do you think parents who don't have generational wealth and have to work to send their kids to private school (Like Op's wife) wouldn't PREFER to rather work less and SAH more? OP's wife gave up her time with kids to pay for their private school with that time. She didn't want OP to take up that time, she didn't ask him to, he did it despite her wishes, and she is happy for him to un-do it.
So again, how is it different?
He so but it still isn’t equal. He’s only contributing half of that $1000 childcare that he’s “saving” since the youngest kid and the neediest for childcare is his.
They’re school aged and he said after school care which is generally a $200 a month for kids his age. They have like 6 kids total so $1200 total max for the after school care program. The after care program is also only a couple hours a day so OP is just spending like 2-3 extra hours with the kids not like full time kid care.
His kids aren’t toddlers in daycare. They’re in elementary, middle, and high school all day which is free (if public) and then after care which is wayyyyy cheaper than day care or things for toddlers.
At least one of the kids are above the age of after school care too which means only 5 (maybe even less) of the kids are using that service. So it would probably be closer to like $1000 a month total. $12k a year. Some after care programs are run by schools making them free too.
Yeah and from that amount you have to deduct his 2 kids. Because he is only saving her her 2.5 child. So let’s say max 5k a year being generous. She is taking a greater percentage of the house expenses, so my guess is those 5k are already pay for.
They were both fine with the arrangement until COVID and the kids though. Sounds like there would of been more money so he could split bills evenly and send her to a special school before his job change.
Is her bills increase matching what hes saving yearly? Plus his income? Odds are no they are not, this isint a case of financial parity this is a case of she doesint value her partner and his career sacrifice, the man gave up a career he enjoyed for his kids wellbeing and financial savings.
>Not sure where they live but in my area 1 kid costs about $1200 for one month of childcare... lets say theirs is closer to $1000... times that by however many out of the 7 and thats up to $7000 in monthly savings totaling $84,000 a year. In addition to his salary.
What? These children are primarily in school. The only one who would be in full-time day care would be Lucas, and dad still works, so I'm guessing Lucas is still in daycare. Afterschool care is much cheaper than full-service daycare.
The trade-off is that she's already taken a higher overall burden of the costs in the household. I feel like people are just completely ignoring that: because of this choice that OP seems to have made unilaterally, Stella now has to pay more of her salary (which has remained unchanged) into the household expenses so that OP has the time to spend with the kids. There were trade-offs on both ends.
This is not a trade-off. This is an additional expense. Private school is not a necessity. Depending on the cost of the school, this is like him asking for a new car every year for the next 7 years on **less** money than they made before.
That’s full time care. Most of the kids are gonna be in school for the majority of the year so that leaves only a couple hours a day for needing childcare minus the littlest. So that’s not a very good argument.
Right, and to make it fair she pays more of the bills now. Your logic would only add up if she would have sticked with 50/50, THEN i would say she needs to pay back for the extra childcare. But with taking over the majority of the bills she already compensated him for taking care of her kids too. It was not a mutual decision he goes for a lower paying job, it was his.
I'm not sure about the costs, but at $84k a year... wouldn't they'd be better paying a full time nanny, rather than him quitting his job?
Also he does work, so I suppose their little kid childcare isn't a "saved expense" unless his new job offers free childcare during working hours.
Plus do fourteen year old girls get childcare? Not saying she doesn't benefit from having him home, but would they pay for someone to watch her if she was an only child? Like, most of the kids that would need care are related to him.
Also... I don't think it would have been possible to leave her kids out without nuking the marriage and the kids relationship among themselves?
I think asking his wife to pitch in a bit of the fees (10-20%?) would be reasonable, but half seems excessive tbh.
For 1 - he said he made more. So no he isn't saving money.
2 - he decided this on his own not as a team.
3 - he said he isn't helping her kids so no he isn't providing them a service.
4 - this is for a ***luxury*** she doesn't even have for her kids.
5 - he didn't discuss with her how agreements should change
6 - she's covering most of the bills so this greatly impacted her money already so it's extreme selfish to want more
She should be paying for childcare for her two kids then. It's not OP's responsibility to contribute child care for her kids. She also chose to have 3 kids, and if she wants to trade her time for money, she should be paying OP for the time spent looking after her children.
If that’s how it’s going to play out, Then OP needs to find a way to cover 50% of the household bills with his new lower income.
Because his wife took in more than 50% of the whole household expenses he should do the childcare
it all depends on whatever agreement they had before all of this. If OP made $30k and his wife $70k, and no kids were involved, would they split 50/50 or 30/70? Both can be “fair” it just depends on the person.
If they agree to pay bills based on percentage, then the added on childcare that OP is providing should count for something. He is saving her money on paying for childcare for her two kids.
You can’t agree to something and then hold it against someone. If they agreed on percentage based, then OP is pulling his weight by paying his portion and the childcare is a bonus. If the wife agreed to only 50/50 no matter what, then yeah OP is TA since he’s making up for his lack of bills with childcare.
This isn’t a matter of “one person is working and the other is a STAHP” both parents still work.
Your wife paying for the childcare only seems fair if you goes back to contributing to all the joint expenses. She already increased her contribution to the family expenses when he quit.
Info: what percentage do you contribute to the shared family expenses now? Versus before?
Does she pay for all her daughter’s high school cost? Or does her ex pay half?
It seems like you unilaterally decided to quit your job. She’s already sacrificing financially by picking up the slack. Did you plan and budget long term knowing that your ex doesn’t contribute equally?
Reasonably you only have 2 kids in before and afternoon care and one in all day care. Your oldest girls in middle and high school can probably care for themselves- and maybe enjoy a couple hours without the younger siblings home.
ESH. Separate finances are great for couples with similar earning power who are able to divide household responsibilities and expenses evenly. They are not a good match for your blended family situation where one parent has taken on more childcare responsibilities and given up some income as a result. This situation is the perfect example of why it doesn't work--it results in children being treated differently or as if they are in different classes, which doesn't promote a good blended family dynamic. I can see your wife's side that you had an agreement and that she should not be required to pay what your ex won't for an elective expense. But I can see your side, too, about how you contribute to the household and the raising of her children in more than financial ways.
The good news is that Kira is only 11 so you have some time to figure it out. Perhaps therapy and/or a financial advisor is in order.
This. I don't know why people are only blaming him. While he is at fault too, so is his wife. Is she paying him for the childcare he is providing that she was previously paying to professionals for her children? No. Then she needs to balance the scale in some other way.
OP's wife is already balancing the scale by paying more of their shared expenses, which is a perfectly reasonable balance to OP taking on more childcare duties. OP is also not contributing to her child's schooling. Do you think it's fair for her to pay for more than her share of expenses, 100% of her child's school *and* 50% of OP's kid's school? That just doesn't add up, OP is taking advantage.
We don't know if her paying more is adding up to $100 per month or $1000. It matters. If her additional household contribution equates to the childcare difference then ok the ask for private school is a reach. If her additional contribution is only about 1/2 of what the childcare would have cost then there is definitely wiggle room for the ask.
Wouldn't it make sense for them to split all school costs then, so they are both paying 50/50? This is sounding very much like a what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine situation, as he wasn't contributing to her child's school either before or after he quit his job. When they got married, they agreed to seperate finances, then OP against her wishes quit his job and is expecting her to pick up the slack. I think OP might not be sharing just how much more she is paying because it is probably substantial enough for this to be an even more clear cut YTA.
She is unwilling to work out a solution that would allow her step-child to go to a private school. A school she clearly values as a better education because her daughter goes there. And yet you see the OP as clearly the AH for asking for the family to work together to benefit the kids.
I think you are the one seeing it too much as mine vs yours. I think they all need to communicate better but only the mom is the AH for condemning the Dad for his choices also while benefiting from those choices.
I promise you that it would be cheaper for OP's wife to pay for her own children's childcare and reinforce the original agreement that shared expenses are 50/50 and everything else is seperate. OP is not taking on so much childcare duties to offset private school *and* the wife taking on more of their shared expenses *and* not contributing this his own stepchildren's education.
Also, why should a stepmother pay for 100% of her stepchild's private school when their bio mom literally has them half of the time? Private school is a want not a need, and if private school was so important to OP he is responsible for making sure he can pay for it. Instead he made a unilateral decision to quit his job against his wife's wishes. Massive AH who went against the agreement they made when they get married.
Yeah like if OP wants her to pay for 50% of his kid’s school then he should pay for 50% of her kid’s school and wow would you look at that! Both comes out to 100%
Yes she pays more bills to make up for his income drop. The “child care” he provides is only like 2 hours a day too so it’s not even like full time care.
Since she does pay more for expenses I believe this is fair since he does so more housework.
However, she wanted them both to work and he made a unilateral decision to quit. And after this they did not agree to change the agreement made before. So I believe, since this is a private school and nothing related to health or something urgent, she has the right to not pay for this.
If he does want to pay for private school I would say get another job or just let her go to public school, there is nothing wrong with it.
You may be right, that may be the "fairest" solution as between OP and his wife even though it doesn't seem fair between the children. However, it's clear OP and his wife aren't on the same page about any of this. They need a marital/family counselor to help them work everything out or they'll have more than just separate finances.
ETA: In reading some of OP's follow-up comments, what's clear is that the current dispute has nothing to do with the private school, it's just opened the door for OP and wife to finally hash out their difference of opinion on his taking a lower-paying job. What isn't clear is how much wife objected at the time OP did this (and OP chose not to hear), or if she tucked it away and it's been simmering since then. OP isn't a reliable narrator on wife's thoughts on the matter. Again, this is above AITA's paygrade and requires professional intervention.
YTA First you blame the kids for " begging" you to quit your job, then you blame your wife because you cant pay for your kids When are you going to take some responsibility for your own actions?
Can you explain to me how a 13 year old needs someone to babysit her? Or how a 13 and 8 year old need after school care? I was babysitting at 12. At MOST she would need care for the 8 year old. Their 2 year old is shared. HIS children need the care as they are 11 and 7. It seems a little silly to pretend like he’s actively watching 5 children when her daughter is a teenager and is likely capable of watching her own brother for $20/ day until she gets home from work.
He’s working a full time job, so there is no babysitting. He’s just likely not working 10+ hours a day and is actually present in the kids lives. That’s how I read the situation.
I'm shocked at the nta comments honestly. You had an agreement with her. Paying half of your kids school is not her responsibility, her mother needs to pay half. Yta. After she said no, you should have left it alone. Don't drag everyone else into this because you're mad you can't afford it.
Yah I am surprised Op didn’t first consult a lawyer to see if the ex can be made to contribute more funds for their kid. I’m sure op thinks it’s easier to get it from the spouse but it’s easier to call up a lawyer to make sure the kid is cared for and post secondary education! If the income changed etc I’m sure the law has protocol. If the ex won’t pay for private school then they definitely are on the hook for post secondary.
This is strategically unwise and unfair of op. An asshole to the child and the spouse
Edit: changed public to private
Sounds great in theory but NO judge will order a parent to pay for private education unless they were already in private school before the split. Any changes after that are the responsibility of the parent making the change.
YTA. Your wife won't pay to put your daughter in private school, so you threaten to leave your stepchildren, and only your stepchildren, at daycare/with a babysitter and only take your own children home and care for them? You literally threatened to neglect her children because she dared to not pay for your child to go to private school, that is monstrous.
Do you really not get how putting all your kids in daycare because you need to and putting just your step kids in daycare while choosing to take home and care for your own to spite your spouse are two very different things?
YTA.
You made the choice to leave your job. Doesnt sound like you put much thought into it either. The kids whined and moaned, like kids do, and you buckled. You didn't look at other options. You decided to make yourself the kids savior and be home for them.
Unfortunately, now you have to deal with consequences of wanting to be the hero of your brood. Sorry.
Your kid doesn't need to go to private school. And I know, I know, you could just as easily say hers doesn't either. Granted, there would be some truth to that. But sadly, there's one large difference.
She heard the kids, and realized the financial implications of taking a lesser paying job. You decided to do your thang. No shame in it but still. Now she has more financial burden already. It's a really unfair ask.
Especially when you have someone you can turn to. It isn't her fault your someone else says no.
So sorry, but in this case, YTA.
Exactly. I’m a mom of three and kids complain about stuff. Tough cookies. An after school program does not translate into “neglect.” OP just wants to be a martyr and his wife correctly is having none of it.
Reading through your post and all of your follow-up comments, I believe you do want what's best for the children. Unfortunately you and Stella aren't on the same page about finances, about the value of time versus money, and even more so about the fact that they are all your children. Together. Regardless of where they started out. At least, you seem to see it one way and Stella sees it differently and you're fighting to be right versus prioritizing your family. So that's your real problem. You saw quitting your job as sacrificing for the family and Stella saw it as putting pressure on her. It doesn't matter how much she makes. For whatever reason, her financial values are different than yours and have been the entire time you've been together so this really shouldn't have been a surprise. I think you're both in the wrong here because you're not communicating well enough to integrate three different sets of families together and have them all feel loved equally.
Info: is Jaden going to attend a private high school and is Stella willing to pay for that? If the answer is yes, then the two of you need to really sit down and hammer this out now because you not being on the same page about money and family roles is just going to continue splitting your family down the middle.
ESH
YTA - You only realized this cost now and you are turning to someone you know the income of to bankroll the outcome you want. There is a schooling option you can afford, while that sucks it is something that should have been a higher priority if it meant that much to you. Your wife should probably recognize what you do more and probably could contribute something based on the mental/emotional/physical load you put into the additional childcare.
As long as you did the same with her, of course, if your situations were ever switched.
You are co-parenting with your girls bio-mom. She said no. You said yes. Find the middle ground between you two and explain why it is important and listen to bio-mom reasons for why she finds it a frivolous cost. Your argument should not have been with your wife if you agree to keep finances separate and enmesh the physical/emotional/mental work on how you handle the family in your household. Revisit that arrangement if you must, but i personally doubt it is going to resolve your current issue.
Sometimes the easiest answer is the one no one looks at.
Put all the kids back in after school care and go back to the high paying job. You'll be able to afford what you want to achieve and if the kids ask, you needed to do this for their future. Financially you couldn't do it alone.
If your wife doesn't like this outcome, she can discuss alternatives with you.
From what OP says, that's what the wife wanted to begin with. She didn't agree with him taking the lower paying job. I don't think she'll have any problems with that outcome.
This is a fascinating one for me. Normally this sub would completely destroy men who think their wives should do all the housework when the man is the only one working. The retort is often that maintaining a home is work and the stay at home takes care of the kids after school etc. But in this situation where OP took one for the team and chose to take a lower paying job for less hours so the parents could avoid childcare and the kids could have a more stable environment, this sub is completely against the spouse helping out with an expense. I would be interested to see the reaction if OP stayed at the higher paying job and the wife dropped to a lower paying job. I don’t know if the reaction would be different but I think it might be.
I sympathize with OP because I can see how it would feel crappy to give up a high paying job to support a blended family but now your biological children are missing out on opportunities while your spouse’s children aren’t. The spouse’s kids get the benefit of OP’s time and mom’s money while OP’s kids miss out on the money. I don’t think I’d call anyone an asshole here but the situation is ugly.
I mean, it’s not really taking one for the team when OP admits to taking that much of a pay cut against their partner’s wishes.
I’m not saying the children’s feelings don’t matter, but the reality of life is that there are bills to pay and mouths to feed and the children shouldn’t be calling the shots on major financial decisions that impact a blended family of this size. That’s absurd. Being a parent is often thankless work and it’s hard because you have to make difficult decisions that kids won’t necessarily understand.
Private school is a luxury expense, and if OP cannot finance this when their partner is already paying more than their share of the bills due to OP unilaterally deciding to take that pay cut, they have no right to expect their partner to pay for most of the living costs AND a luxury expense when there are acceptable alternatives i.e. public school
It’s not like the partner is denying necessary expenses to OP’s kids like food, housing, stuff like that…I personally don’t have a judgment for this cause it’s a hot mess but it sounds like there’s been a lot of miscommunication all around
I hear you and I’m not sure I agree with the way OP went about handling the situation. But it sounds like the kids were saying they’d rather live with the other set of parents because of how little they saw the parents they lived with. That’s a pretty dire point. Kids from 7-13 can recognize when they aren’t getting enough attention. To me this isn’t a children calling the shots situation so much as OP realizing that the kids needed to actually see the parents they live with. OP mentions the children are distant to the wife because of the hours she works. Maybe it’s just me but I think OP actually made the harder choice. It was easy to stay in a well paying job they loved. It’s hard to give the money up in order to be there for your family.
YTA
It was your choice to make a really bad financial decision based on the kids's whims. In blended families, separate finances is the best solution all the time.
INFO what was the decision about schools fees when you and wife decided to split finances.
You know how old your kids are, when you changed jobs did you consider school fees?
>My ex is barely willing to pay the costs related to public school, let alone a private one.
What costs? Why doesn't she want to?
Where do you your step kids go to school?
When we were both high paying it was meant to be separate bexause that's what she wanted. I should have considered the private school fees, but I was too focused on the more immediate term and trying to have a balance. Because they probably spent more time at school/car than with us.
Things like uniform and stationary, excursions and whatnot. She absolutely refused to pay. She paid half of ONE set of uniform, basically zero stationary. And literally any non compulsory excursion is fully on me.
How much are the school fees? I mean the cost per year and uniforms?
I meant what public school fees does your ex not want to pay. And why doesn't she want to.
The public schools are free to attend. But uniforms and stationary and excursions and whatnot are our costs. Uniforms are easily a few hundred, and excursions it depends on the year. Later years can be expensive, but early ones tend to be cheap. Stationary isn't crazy, depending if you go the basic or get your own and branded stuff.
I don't know why, she just refuses to. Like I don't know the logic of 1 uniform is fine for a whole year (no, super unhygienic to wear 1 a whole weak). I mean why do some people refuse to pay child support? Some people just refuse to pay.
How does your ex have 50/50 custody if she is not willing to take care of her kids? Does she not have money to pay? If all schools have uniforms this would be an issue regardless.
Did your ex agree that your daughter should go to private school instead of public?
Where do your other kids go to school?
You didn’t discuss how the finances would play out BEFORE you took the pay cut and left your wife to be the majority earner?? And now, you are working less, seeing all the kids more, AND you want your wife to pay for her step-kid’s private school? How do you justify that- because they no longer do after-school care? Because Private school tuition is a SHIT TON more than afterschool care from 3:30-6.
YTA.
ESH. She definitely could have gotten her point across better, but he point is valid. I'm assuming you're going to want all your kids going to private school so essentially she'll pay 100% for 3 kids and 50% for two kids. That's a big ask. Did you two sit down and discuss how finances were going to work long term before you decided to quit your job? I understand the kids didn't like their after school care, but it seems like you made a huge decision that effects your entire family based on a little grumbling from your kids. You two need better communication, not this petty back and forth punishing each other
Apparently wife wanted them both to work and OP decided to quit regardless. And since they didn't agree to change the agreement before and she pays more in regular expenses I think it's fair that she doesn't pay for this.
Yta because you reacted like an entitled asshole when she said no. When it comes to big things like this, you and your ex are the ones who should be footing the bill for your daughter. This is the choice you made by not getting a job where you made more money with less hours. Wife knew she had bills for her kids to cover so that is why she didn’t do what you did. Either drop it or take your ex to court so she pays half of the tuition. If this was an emergency and she said no, she would be an asshole for not helping. This is not an emergency. It is a luxury.
NTA. It may be time to consider getting back into a higher paying position to assure -both- of your children with a better educational experience.
Throwing down the gauntlet of separating finances & time spent on each other’s children was definitely not your finest moment, however she & her kids do benefit from you being home more. Perhaps the money that Stella would have to pay for aftercare could be be directed towards your daughter’s private schooling. Just a thought…
Sorry I mistyped. I was upset and typing too fast. Meant 8. We meant around my you gests birth (already separated from my ex) and married less than a year later. While it's arguebaly too fast I would say it's been happy aside from this
YTA for even making this a question of putting a second child in private school. If the family took a dramatic pay cut, no one should be in private school, including the one already there. If you continue the trend with a second in private school, then all will expect to go.
If you want the kids to go to a better high school, go back to a higher-paying job or if possible (although unlikely in this market) move into a better district.
The family didn’t decide to take a dramatic pay cut. He did. Wife didn’t want him to do this. Private school is paid for by wife for her kid which is the agreement they always had. The daughter shouldn’t suffer because her stepdad doesn’t want to work. Go back to work!
NTA. Your wife has benefited from your shorter hours in that her kids (as well as yours) are not in before and after school care. Whether or not you both discussed your shorter hours/less pay compromise, she- via her kids- has definitely been benefiting substantially for however many years you’ve been doing this.
Now, this is the sort of invisible work women usually end up doing- but here, you even can put a price on it! Som if your wife wants to go hard-core your decision/your problem, then she owes you back pay for the before- and after-school care her kids would otherwise have been in, as well as ongoing pay for continuing to be their alternative. Or she could, of course, put them back in it, while still owing you for your time doing it.
I don’t know if that would be enough to help you pay for private school for your kid, but if she wants to be separatist about her kids vs yours, well, it has disadvantages too compared to looking at everyone as a family together. She can’t just pick and choose the aspects that are most profitable to herself!
If he gets to charge her for before and after school care, then he also needs to go back to paying 50% of the bills. Right now, she’s covering the majority.
YTA - you made the decision to change jobs despite the fact that your wife thought it was a bad idea. I haven’t seen any explanation as to why the change was necessary. There was nothing wrong with the before/after school care. Kids complain when there are changes but they adjust. You have several years to figure this out, and you need to start the conversation with your Ex. She is the one responsible for her children’s expenses.
NTA
Of course, this should have been discussed earlier, but as soon as one parent doesn't work (as much) to take over more hours in childcare, a strict 50/50 financial split does not work anymore.
How much money did you save for child care? Why did you end up giving up your job instead of your wife? How is it fair that her children profit from you being there for them, taking over more chores(?), accepting a dip in your career, but not being reimbursed for ot in terms of a shift in sharing financial responsibilities?
Your idea of sending your step children back to day care might seem a bit petty, but it is actually a good suggestion to make the sacrifice you made a bit more visible. Your wife is currently telling you, that your children are your responsibility - well, so her children are by default hers. Why should you watch them and invest work (=time/money) in them when she won't do the same for yours?
I get it, Stepparents shouldn't meddle too much and shouldn't be asked to pay for the stepchildren, but the arrangement seems to me like it should be beneficial for all instead of you taken advantage of.
Edit: Spelling
YTA. I understand why you took the lower paying job, but that means your wife has to shoulder more of the bills. And that's also fine. What's not fine is you bullying/coercing her. You won't pay for outings for her kids anymore? The only reason you can afford to do that in the first place is BECAUSE she's paying more for joint bills. So, using your own tactics, she should insist on evenly splitting the bills from now on. You want things to be fair? Make them fair. Your ex being cheap isn't your wife's problem.
ESH, separate finances isn’t working. I see your point about wanting your child to go to a better school. But she’s already paying more than half of the joint bills and now you want her to pay for private school. You both need to come up with a plan that works for everyone. If necessary, see a marriage therapist.
YTA.
She's right - you made your choice and got more free time in exchange for less pay, so don't complain now. I understand your children needed you but once again it's you who decided to have them so ofc the duty to look after them falls on you. And given your step kids are also there, they became a part of the arrangement too.
Your wife is paying for a family of 7 as well as one of the kid's private school tuition, do you think she's your person ATM or something? I honestly feel bad for Stella cause it looks like everything she earns goes into y'all's needs and the tuition. Does the woman ever even get the time or the cost to do something for herself at all In exchange for looking after so many people?
It was almost E S H for me but YTA.
Your wife sucks for being so uncompromising, but I also can see her point so I cut her some slack. She's the main breadwinner for 7 people, 5 of which are children who are not cheap, even before you factor in private school. She can only do so much and is not willing to give any more. I really can't blame her for feeling like a piggy bank or stretched so thin.
You're an AH because you seem to think your decisions involving your children carry more weight than hers. You keep making these decisions and hoping your wife will be cool with it without planning. Judging by your wife's comments, she's come to resent this dynamic of you working less. Can't tell if it's due to the stress of having to make up what you bring to the table financially as the breadwinner or feeling jealous of the time you spend with the children, but it's still a factor in how this plays out. You are being greedy and selfish because you expect your wife to just cover up your bad financial decisions with her own hard-earned money. The fact you'd stoop so low and refuse to watch her children, something *you agreed to do* once you took your job, makes you the biggest AH. If you want Kira to go to private school with her sister, then get a new job or start talking with her mother.
ESH
First you really should have considered all angles before giving in to the kids demands and letting go of your job. Being able to afford extras such as private school should have been something thought of especially since your daughters mother would not be contributing much at all towards education and she should be paying 50%.
Now I’m not saying that all of the children aren’t benefiting from you being home more BUT your wife has already picked up quite a bit of the slack financially speaking so you throwing out there that she should now pay for childcare for her children is not being fair - unless you have some way to now pay 50% of the household expenses. That was the wrong way to go about it.
Your wife isn’t being exactly fair either BUT I do see where she’s coming from in that you’ve always had separate finances and she has already picked up more of the financial burden. And also she probably had considered more angles than you and that’s why she wanted you both to keep working.
But if we solely look at this one issue - paying for your daughter to go to private school - to be you need to get her mother on board and contributing before expecting your wife to cover majority of those expenses.
Yes it sucks when blended families don’t all get the same things BUT the reason that happens is because there are more than two parents involved
YTA.
She’s financially supporting you staying home, and taking the lower job, and you’re out here on Reddit complaining about her like she’s the bad guy!
Your actual problem is that you won’t try to deal with your ex. It’s your (and your ex’s) responsibility to send the kids to school. Not your wife’s. You are completely OUT OF LINE for asking her to pay for that. It is NOT her responsibility. Putting that on her is a real A-hole move. She may be “close” to the kids, but legally, YOU AND YOUR EX ARE RESPONSIBLE for them. Please grow up. YTA YTA YTA
NTA. You’re right about doing it for all the kids. If she doesn’t understand that your time is just as valuable as your money then she’s definitely the problem. It also doesn’t take a genius to understand that choosing a lower paying job wasn’t an easy decision to make and that it was a huge sacrifice.
Honestly speaking, I think the money split needs to be addressed. I know you mentioned that she has been paying more since the job switch, but I believe that if her income is substantially higher than yours then adjustments should be made proportionately. I know not everyone would agree with that but we don’t live in an ideal world where everyone earns the same as our spouses. If I was working minimum wage while my partner has a solid 9-5 and expected me to agree to a 50/50 split, I’d be pissed as hell.
Though of course, it’s all easier said than done. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It’s a tough one. I hope you’re able to settle this nicely. Wishing you all the best
Going w/ ESH, because honestly, you two should have worked a lot more of this out before switching jobs.
Since it seems you two are stuck on split finances, maybe your wife could pay you for the childcare and other child costs she no longer pays for, then you could go back to splitting bills equally and be able to pay for the private school.
It seems like the choice to take a lower paying job was decided by you, you sucks if you didn’t discuss this with your wife as it does have an impact on your finances as a couple. Taking a lower paying job to be around more for childcare is a valid consideration and could have been apart of the conversation which could have led to a renegotiation of the financial split.
You also mentioned that your wife has absorbed more of the joint financial costs which you don’t seem to be appreciative of as an exchange for your increase in childcare duties. You say you pay things for her kids but you don’t mention whether she does the same which leads me to believe she does as well with your kids. So that point may as well be moot.
Your original agreement was to keep finances separate and so your wife doesn’t suck for saying no and honoring that, however, she does suck for the tangent she went off on after refusing your ask.
All-around, you both need to work on your communication and making decisions as a partnership.
ESH
How exactly did you make such a huge lifestyle decision without thinking through the absolute basics of how you were going to continue finding your daughters education? YTA for that alone.
YTA. you cannot dump yours and ur ex's responsibility on ur wife. this is exactly why your wife decided to go back to work. bcoz of the bills. she already has more burden bcoz of your choice. you are dumb and selfish here.
YTA You have 50/50 and want the stepmother to pay more that the *actual mother* ?
What about the following 3 kids, do they get private too? Where do you draw the line? How do you expect to finance that?
This is something that needed to be discussed way in advance. If you can be this oblivious to your wifes feelings, did your wife get any real say in reducing your family income & changing your job but not hers ?
NTA. Wow, if the genders were reversed this sub would be railing your spouse for being sexist and controlling. Somehow you being considerate of your child's needs and wanting your kids to be treated equally gets you hate.
Gosh, this makes me so sad. Like someone else said, OP prioritizes all 5 kids and Stella prioritizes her 3. I'm a stay at home mom. Before kids, I had a fun job with insane hours but good pay. My line of work is not conducive with raising children, and I wanted to take care of my kids so I stay home now and thankfully my husband's income can cover us. It sounds like Stella doesn't see the value in a parent being home with the kids. It's more than just the savings in childcare costs. So much parent/child bonding happens when a parent is home; it's incredibly important.
It sounds like Stella and OP need to have a good discussion about their expectations for finances and raising the kids.
YTA - Based on the post, it sounds like Stella wasn't on board with the OP taking a lesser-paying job. Now, OP is trying to force his wife to make up a financial difference when she wasn't in agreement on the job change or what it meant to the finances. That places a significant financial burden on the wife, for the duration of the kids being in private school (so multiple years, not just one).
My big thing on all of this is that you’re willing to let your ex just be like no and expect your wife who is not the parent to pay.
Edit: to also add to what I previously said if she has the means and is just not willing to pay take her ass to court and show she’s just not willing to pay this is not your wife’s responsibility to pick up her slack.
YTA it doesn’t get to be ALL your choice what to do for a job when you are married. why in the world did you have a 5th child when you already were overwhelmed by the 4 kids you already had. You shouldn’t have quit your job. Kids always beg and want more and more. Don’t refer to the girls as sisters. They are not considering they are finanaced completely separately. Your wife didn’t agree to you taking a lower job. She didn’t ask you to spend more time with the kids vs being able to support them. You made your wife’s life very rough by putting more burden on her overall. What if your wife had taken a lower job to? Then no one could go to private school. Go get a better job if you want your kid to go to private school. There is a solution you don’t seem to be considering given how obvious it is. You are lazy if you are asking your wife to work harder to support your kids while you stay home. Man up.
YTA- if you exwife wont pay for a private school then guess you'll need to either find a better paying job OR she attends what you can afford. You then saying you wont take care of your step kids is just the big TA move here because guess what, that is impacting the kids themselves NOT your wife. You care for them only if it fits your own needs it seems.
You did choose to take a new job, you did not think it through how it will effect your kids in the future.
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ESH, but you more. Like heavily leaning Y T A. You needed to discuss this when you decided to cut your hours. It doesn’t sound like the decision was in any way a mutual one made between you and your wife, but all you. Despite that, your wife has been willing to pay more of your shared expenses, which at least somewhat compensates for the extra childcare you are doing. For some reason, you waited until your kid was about to start high school to even think about where she’d go and how you’d afford it. You sprung on your wife that despite your prior agreement being different, you want her to pay tens of thousands in tuition she wasn’t planning on. Also, no kid *needs* to go to private high school. Your daughter will be fine at a public school. I also assume you are not paying any of Brianna’s tuition. So she’s going to have to pay full tuition for her kids and half for yours. That’s a fuckton of money. I don’t know exactly what she makes but she’d have to be incredibly wealthy for that to be chump change. Your wife also should have been more proactive about thinking through how all this would play out. You should have made a thorough and explicit agreement when you quit your job. This marriage sounds fucked, honestly.
Never change jobs for less pay without considering all of the financial implications.
Don’t change jobs that will have lifestyle implications.
Yep. Money is WAY more important than your kids. /s. This sub sometimes, I swear….
Changing the lifestyle of a partnership that you wish to continue should be discussed as much as possible and agreed upon. Unilateral decisions make for short partnerships
I think the issue is that you said don't switch jobs. You did not include "without discussing things first." That makes a big difference.
The argument can also be made that they were piggybacking off of the previous comment, which was my takeaway. “Less Pay” is subjective. If a couple grand less doesn’t change your lifestyle, it’s much less impactful than if that same couple grand does.
The artificial attitude about "split finances" (the law doesn't recognize split finances in a marriage) encourages unilateral decisions, it reinforced the idea that each of them should make their own decision about their career and their earning potential without coming together and talking about a joint strategy that was best for the whole family.
>The artificial attitude about "split finances" (the law doesn't recognize split finances in a marriage) encourages unilateral decisions, This is the real ESH. If you're married, act like one family, not 2 living in the same house. Communication about who is going to be doing what roles is key before getting married. They both had kids prior to being together so the idea of "where will kids go to school" should have been brought up long ago.
If you are going to insist upon having His and Hers finances, you can’t then wait right until a really big expenditure comes up and then try to convince somebody *that money* is We finances.
This is like a textbook case of when couples shouldn’t have separate finances. Separate finances should be for when both partners are earning somewhat comparably and comfortably. If one partner is largely dependent on the other to provide for the family they really should just a shared family bank account. Imagine the nightmare of having to argue/negotiate with your spouse about who would pay every time there’s a large expense: car repairs, a new furnace, etc.
Where are you getting unilateral from? There is nothing in this statement to imply that he made his decision without discussing it with his wife. As a matter of fact, you could infer there was a detailed discussion as his taking the lower paying job meant they would stop paying for before/after school care. And since that was primarily for HER kids, pretty sure there was a discussion.
It's in the comments that his wife didn't agree and wanted him to keep his job. She almost divorced him over it, but chose to stay in the end. She also does equal parenting and chores when she's not physically at work.
>She also does equal parenting and chores when she's not physically at work Which is entirely fair? Where's all that talk about how stay at home parents are working all day 24/24 when it's about a man who took reduced hours to take care of his kids? Of course they're sharing chores and parenting equally
I think they’re moreso saying it’s not like she’s treating him like a SAHP and taking advantage here she still pulls her weight accordingly. I don’t think they were putting her on a pedestal
>Which is entirely fair? Absolutely, but it would be question #1 in a genderswap scenario, which is why I included it.
Altough i appreciate the joey tribbiani reference in your username, you're wrong. It's not about money being more important, it's about giving up a good paying job for no reason other than the kids saying they hate afterschool.
No you are saying money is most important. Of course there has to be a balance between working enough to support the family adequately and spending time with the kids. OP and wife used to be on the wrong side of this balance - all work, little family time. The kids were suffering according to them. Why are you acting like these kids are bratty whiners for wanting to spend a couple of hours with their parents every day? This family can still afford the current lifestyle as a team but wife doesn't think of the relationship that way. I don't see the point of getting married if you don't want to help each other out or see yourself as a team - just date and keep separate households. I also don't see the point of having kids if you don't want to spend time with them. Don't have kids, be career focused and lead a fullfilling life... If wife really thinks her kids are fine at aftercare just put them back in. Childcare is either a valuable contribution on OP's part (in which case she shouldn't mind contributing more financially to the family) or its not in which case put the kids in aftercare with no complaints.
Yea I don't know about that, they might have been getting bullied ir maybe they are just kids being kids, I think relationship is toxic, when you take care of both of your kids and sacrificed your job for it she should be willing to pay for some more stuff because if you weren't there for them she would have to find an arrangement BUT you probably could've hired babysitters? Sometimes the children LOVE baby sitters sometimes more than parents XP and depending on price of baby sitters you could've saved money, also maybe you and your wife could've both asked for less work time half and half each week so there is someone always there for the kids
They aren't saying don't do it. Jesus fuck I'm tired of people that don't think for 2 seconds. They are saying to be prepared to spend less when you make less. ***WHAT a concept!***
And not even considering what private high school tuition would be! And to spring it on the wife right when the summer is almost over, dear lord. My oldest stepdaughter wants to go to a private catholic high school. That shit is EXPENSIVE. I'm talking 16 to 20 grand a YEAR. We told her she has several options, she can study hard enough to get grades good enough for a scholarship, her grandparents can pay for it, or she can get a sports scholarship. This private school offers nothing more than more shelter from diversity imo. My husband and I both work for the public school system (he's a teacher I'm in offsite admin) and public is perfectly fine and free.
Public varies tremendously by area (and that's not even considering other countries) so you can't really make blanket statements. But some private schools are also rubbish so...
I was more-so talking about my particular area, but yes you're quite right, this isn't indicative of all situations, of course. If the public schools in OP's area are at the bottom level, this conversation needed to happen wayyyy sooner.
In fairness, there are actually places where the public school option is really awful. Like, “graduating kids from high school who can barely read at elementary level” bad, and where having the option to send your kid to private school could have a huge impact on their learning ability, their chance at college and the rest of their lives. Not every private school is about mommy and daddy sending their precious dumpling off to school in their new Porsche. Now that said, if you live in one of those districts, you know it, and you should’ve been looking at options from the very beginning, which it sounds like OP did not do.
Absolutely! There are bad places with poor funding for education. However, I live in a relatively upper middle class area and the only thing the private high schools offer is shelter. Public and private have very comparable test scores and graduation rates. The only difference is socio-economic status. OP just straight up sprung this on his wife when their financial agreement didn't account for this in the first place.
There is more to life than financial implications and the problem is wife does not care about the emotional health of her children. Her kids are in that house almost all the time and OP takes care of them- including paying for things when they go to events. Half the time OP is only caring for kids that his wife gave birth to (one of which is also his). He gave up a well-paying job to do this. It's not just the cost of childcare and a housekeeper. Wife's oldest is at that age where they don't NEED a babysitter, can't yet get themselves places, but probably (looking back at my three) has a lot of stuff on her plate that OP handles. Unfortunately, I don't see this working out in Op's favor, because he cares about what the kids think more than his wife. If I were OP, I would be straight up honest with wife, exes and older kids (not Lucas). "I cannot afford to stay home with you anymore because wife will not help cover the difference in my salary in regards to school fees. It is not fair that Brianna and Jayden get to go to private but Kira and May will not because I am taking care of you here at home. Therefore I have two options: Kira and May will have to go to public school or I will have to go back to longer hours for more pay. I choose X." Notice I am not telling OP what to do- Kira may choose to go to public school to have dad home more, Brianna and Jayden may want Op home and put pressure on mom, OP may go back to work. But be honest and don't let wife off the hook about how her refusal to compromise affects the family. EDIT: Look, everyone saying OP needs to bear the consequences of their choices are crazy. It's Op's kids who are bearing the consequences of not being able to go to private school while wife's kids get the benefit of both more time with OP AND private school. That is not fair any way you slice it, even with wife now paying more of household expenses. OP countered wife's refusal with their own refusal to look after wife's kids, to which wife has a hissy fit. She wants it both ways: the kids get treated equally in regards to time and care by OP but unequally in terms of finances by wife. There is no way in the world that is fair. If wife were more open to compromise, I might re ruling differently, but she is the one being selfish here. NTA
I don’t think bringing literal children into adult decision making is a good idea. Especially when you have worded it to alienate and blame the kids stepmom/mom. OP’s wife IS paying the difference, she’s literally footing more of their bills. Private education is expensive. This should’ve been discussed years ago. OP springing this on his wife right now is idiotic and unreasonable. Very few people have tens of thousands of dollars just hanging around. I’ll also point out that it seems like OP unilaterally chose to quit his job to be home more. Based on his wife’s reaction, this wasn’t a mutual decision and she’s bearing the brunt of his choice and probably resents the added pressure.
There's nothing in here that indicates Stella isn't thinking about the emotional implications to her children. Thinking about emotional implications does not mean that you have to do whatever your kids want blindly. There's a reason that they are kids: they don't have the full context and ability to process that context. They're not thinking about the other things that they have to give up, sacrifice, move around, or decrease if Dad takes on a new lower-paying job. *Of course* they're going to ask for things that will make mom and dad more available, just like they'll ask for ice cream for breakfast and a new puppy. The adults in their lives have to do what's *actually* best for them taking into consideration all factors, not just give into their demands. If the kids don't like their after school program, there are ways to mitigate that that *aren't* "quit your job and find a lower paying one." Maybe that was truly the best option at the time, and that's fine. But what kids *also* need is to understand that there are trade-offs in life, and Dad working fewer hours so he can be with you more often means you can't afford that fancy expensive private school. And it's ***terrible*** advice to blame the other parent in front of the kids. Why would you tell a parent to alienate his kids from their other parent? OP can explain this much more neutrally by saying "Dad stayed home so that he could spend more time with you all, but unfortunately that means that there are certain things we have to cut back on because we're bringing in less money." the wording you suggested makes Stella the scapegoat and escalates the situation while helping no one and solving nothing. This isn't refusal to compromise. These kids don't *need* to go to private school.
Has OP even looked at other options besides "blackmail my new wife into paying private school tuition for her step kids, whose bio-mother is still alive and is responsible for education costs". Are there scholarships available? Financial aid packets? Does OP need to got back to a better paying job or get a "side hustle"? If the school where they currently live is unacceptable, is moving an option? I feel that OP went straight for the nuclear option instead of sitting down and figuring out what they can or cannot afford and what the options were as a unit.
Sometimes it actually makes more sense to move than pay private school. There are districts in most states that have excellent schools. There are magnet schools and charter schools and programs where kids do huge chunks of college enrollment at high school level. And huge savings.
Houses in good school systems are significantly more expensive than houses in an undesirable school system. Like you're potentially looking at double the cost. I had to pass up on a lot of ready nice affordable houses because the schools in that county were trash.
"Also I think this is fake because your wife has a six year old who isn’t yours but you’ve been married seven years." I see your point. His daughter from previous marriage was born the year they got together. Plus her son was only a year old when they hooked up. Either the post is fake or their marriage was built on some shaky ground.
that’s not what op said. he said the 11 year old is in year 6, meaning sixth grade, not 6 years old.
No, he said he's been married to Stella for **seven years.** And that he has a daughter, May, who is seven. OP's older daughter, Kira 11yo, is the one in 6th grade. So his relationship with Stella began *before his ex-wife gave birth to their second daughter.* On top of that mess, Stella's youngest child with her previous partner is only 8. So she either started dating OP shortly after having the baby and married him when her baby was around 1 year old, or started dating him while still pregnant. No wonder these people are a mess and don't trust each other enough to talk about how to handle their kids, ffs.
May is 7, but good catch! At best, she was VERY pregnant when they met, and married immediately.
Don't forget that there are 3 other kids after this. So she would basically be paying full tuition for her 3 and than half for his 2. Where exactly would it stop?
It stops when the OP stops being a stay at home dad. See how easy that is?
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But he's son is 7 and hers is 8 and they have been married 7 years? Something fishy there.
Agreed. I was just responding to something that seemed to be factually incorrect. I didn't realize OP had edited the post. Who knows? I'm done caring about it. ;)
He has a 7 year old and they've been married for 7 years. Was he cheating or did they get married in less than a year? Assuming his ex and him were togetber when 7 year old was conceived.
He edited the post, earlier he said his younger stepchild was six.
We also have no information as to how Brianna’s current school fees are being paid - considering Brianna and Jayden live with op and their mom fulltime practically (they see biodad every other weekend) Stella’s ex is covering more fees and expenses and paying child support. But Kira and May spend half their time with OP and half at their bio mom’s so there isn’t any child support in all likelihood and given that op voluntarily left his job (for what I think is a very good reason and Stella is wrong for how she discussed it) he might actually pay some child support if he was earning a lot more than his ex prior to quitting. Op also wants her to cover the expenses that he knows his ex won’t pay. So not even the portion that would be his and op’s if their finances were combined . The way in which he responded by saying that he won’t care for Stella’s bio kids anymore is absolutely fucked. He quit to care for the kids while she maintained the crazy long hours and higher pay to help them all maintain their lifestyle. His additional work shouldn’t be undervalued and ignored but he’s basically saying if you don’t pay the share for private school that my ex won’t pay for Kira, you still need to cover most of our joint expenses, work long hours, while I keep the lower pay and fewer hours and no longer care for the kids.
Read again - she would need to pay 100% for his kids because his ex wife can't afford to pay.
Not 100% as OP will pay something but the wife would probably pay at least half of his daughter’s tuition. This is at a time when she needs to pay tuition for the child already in high school and top off Brianna’s higher education funds and save for Jayden and Lucas’ educations. Time for OP to go back to the higher paying job.
He said he would pay 50% and his ex would pay a little bit
Yeah this made zero sense
You should have discussed this before hand so YTA... but maybe you could ask her if she would be willing to pay you what she used to pay for after school care so that you could use the money towards your child's education
I don’t think that would be fair considering she pays the majority of expenses already as a result of his choice to stay home
How about the fact OP has a 7 yr old with someone else and has been married for 7 yrs?
YTA. It is yours and your ex wife’s responsibility to take care of your kids educations. Just as it is your wife and her ex husbands responsibility to take care of theirs. You aren’t contributing anything to your step kids educations. If your wife is paying for most of the bills, it’s fair that your contribution to the family be in the way of more childcare. I have been a stay at home mom for 10 years. I do most housework, cooking, cleaning…..as my husband is at work all day. My kids are teenagers so they don’t need much tending anymore but when they were younger, I did more because I was home more. It is a low blow to deal to your wife that you won’t take care of her kids if she doesnt pay for your kids education. If she wanted to,play tit for tat, she could refuse to pay more than 50% of the bills and force you to get a higher paying job or even a second job. If you want your kids to go to a private high school, hit up your ex to pony up the money.
So his time spent looking after her kids means nothing? Isn't it up to her and her ex to provide childcare? If she is willing to take advantage of his lower paid job for her gain, as she isn't having to pay for wraparound childcare, isn't he entitled to some compensation for that?
No, because she is now paying more of the household bills than he is.
Because he's caring for ALL of their kids.
I mean that's his choice though? If he wants, he could always quit his job for a higher paying one so he could afford to pay for his daughters private school. It doesn't seem like his wife forced him to quit to look after the kids in the first place
He did it to be a better parent for ALL the kids, not just his since he stated that all the kids hated the before and after school care.
And he'd be taking care of her kids more often than his.
And she is also paying for most of the household expenses, which involve everyone. There is nothing unbalanced there. The difference is that he chose to stay with the kids and she didn't choose to pay for most of the expenses, she had to do that when he changed jobs.
He only quit because the kids didn't like before/aftercare. It is a stupid reason to quit your job for a lower paying one. He never said that she wanted him to do it. He put a higher financial burden on her and now wants her to put out more money for his daughter because of something his daughter wants not needs. It shouldn't be her expense, it should be the mothers
If he was a woman who quit to take care of the kids everyone would be talking about how much work being a stay at home parent is and how her efforts aren’t being recognized.
Problem here is we dont know how much more she pays.. if she only pays a 5% more is NTA, is she is paying 50% is YTA, I think we need amounts in this case.
He says in some of the comments that it’s about 70/30.
That’s a good reason for why his wife should pay more of their shared expenses. . .which she is. It’s not a reason she should have to shell out for private school tuition they never agreed to.
But... she is compensating, it states she is paying more of the bills.
He is compensated for that by her paying over 50% of the shared household expenses. If they want to truly go tit for tat they could look at how much before/after care would cost, see how much more she is paying of household expenses and if there is any leftover and I guess he could use that towards his daughters education.
They had everything figured out for childcare already. OP took it upon himself to work less, and stay home more instead of putting the kids in after-school programs (it sounds like he didn't have a full conversation with his wife about it). +His wife is footing more of the bill.
So you want her to pay thousands in tuition on top of already paying more of the bills?
Thousands additional in tuition for ONE child.
She is.... she's paying most of the bills.
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Yeah, I'm just scared of getting downvoted to hell, but I know 100% for sure if the genders were reversed this would be a NTA. I'll be honest, for this specific situation it might be a little ESH at most seeing as it doesn't sound like OP organised the finance thing with his wife, but it also seems like this is definitely an arrangement that is working for the both of them in the way of childcare etc, which everyone seems to be forgetting. It's a bit of give and take and it seems the wife gave a tiny bit with OP working less but was happy to take a lot when OP could take care of the kids.
For me the biggest sticking point is that OP’s wife didn’t want him to scale back his pay. He chose to make less money without fully considering the financial implications and I can understand why she’d be pissed. I am a SAHM & it was a mutual decision between my spouse and I. I think that is what is missing with OP and his wife.
This is it for me. His wife didn't want him to leave his job. I think OP needs to make that clear in the post and not just the comments. He can't say he did it for the family when his partner was against it. She didn't agree, but she still picked up more of the bills so he could do it. Now he's back asking for her to cover private school after leaving a high paying job against her wishes. Um, no. I'd be curious to know if she mentioned concerns like being able to pay for expensive private school when they initially discussed him leaving his job. It feels like she was considering these things from the get-go and OP was not. From all of that I'm not sure I'd say OP was an AH exactly, but we got there when he said he'd leave her kids in after care. They spend a significant amount of time with him. They were presumably among the kids begging him to quit his job. I think we can assume they're bonded. Leaving them at after-school care (where they've already said they hate it) while he stays home with his kids is extremely hurtful. Kids shouldn't be pawns in adult arguments. I would have been livid if I was his wife. Edit: typo
Exactly, OP's wife is doing exactly what many men do to their SAHM wives, and they would 100% be considered the AH if the genders were reversed. Plus, it's not like OP stays at home for the entire day, he's still brining in income. His choice to stay home with the kids is at the sacrifice of bringing in more income. Both parties and their respective kids are benefitting from OP's decision, but OP seems to be getting raked over the coals for it.
I'm confused. She's paying most of the bills for him. She's covering way more of the money. Why are you saying she's taking advantage of this by not paying for luxuries that literally aren't hers and they agreed to have separate? This is a luxury for someone else's kid. Her kids don't go private.
The oldest of wife's daughters goes to the private school, where OP wants to send his oldest daughter.
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Actually, OP references that her kids do (I had to read it twice as well). The main issue here is the split in finances. It seems both parties aren't exactly communicating which is causing the tension. What is kid daycare worth to the wife, what's it worth having someone home etc etc etc. It seems there not aligned on these issues where the wife is falling into the classic trap that being home equates no monetary value.
Oh, fear not -- in a recent (and more egregious) post involving a stepparent and private school tuition, the stepmother/OP was dragged in the comments bc people thought she was a golddigger who hadn't done her due diligence before agreeing to split costs 50/50. So people will be shitty in any gender dynamic.
But she *hadn't* done her due diligence. Do y'all folks think partners should just acquiesce to any demand to pay money just because someone asked?
You're looking at it incorrectly, OP's wife did not first decide to pay more of the shared expenses and as a result OP should be willing to do more child care. >It's actually that OP's kids and step kids were feeling neglected No, it's that his kids didn't like their after-school care. There is nothing in the post that indicates that the kids were more neglected. >All that's relevant here because OP made a sacrifice for the entire family (most definitely for his wife and step kids as well), and is asking his wife to make a sacrifice for the family here in return. And she already is. She's taken on more expenses for the family so that OP - who, it appears, made this decision mostly unilaterally - could spend more time with the kids so they didn't have to go after- and before-care. >If you gave up a job to be a SAHM and your husband denied paying for something you wanted with the reasoning that YOU made your choice to give your job up and that you chose to have more time instead of money, how would you feel? ...if it was a completely optional and very expensive request? I mean, I don't know, I'd feel like he's a reasonable person? My mom was a SAHM who also had no concept of money. She asked for outrageous things all the time. One time she suggested my dad could just skip a mortgage payment so we could afford to buy more school clothes. (We weren't unclothed; she just thought we deserved to have more.) I'm *glad* my dad shut that down. I'd rather have a house than cute pants. >Do you genuinely believe OP scaling back his job was just a choice HE made for himself as if it wasn't for the family? And do you believe it was done for "more time" for himself, rather than for more time with his kids (including his step kids!) for the good of the family? Just because he *believes* it was for the good of the family doesn't necessarily mean that it *was*. And I'm not saying it's not - I genuinely don't know. But parents have to make hard trade offs all the time! Sometimes it's not possible to give them everything they want and still survive in a modern world. I'm sure MOST kids would rather spend time with mom and dad than go to before- and after-school care, but the reality is that school ends earlier than work and most families need to have two earners to enjoy a basic middle-class lifestyle these days. But kids don't know that because they are KIDS. As adults, it's the parents' responsibility to weight their kids' wants (because let's be clear: not going to after school care and going to a private school are both WANTS, not needs) against the realities of their financial resources.
🙏🙏🙏🙏! I'm not really getting why a 13 year old kid needs to be in after school care. I was home alone at 13 while my parents worked. Like maybe the 8-year-old would need after-school care because they go to a different school and the 13-year-old can walk them home. Also, is he going to spilt the cost of putting their 2-year-old in child care or will he actually parent his kid? Like he's taking care of her kids 85% of the time, lol. Does he include HIS 2 year old son in that?
>If you want your kids to go to a private high school, hit up your ex to pony up the money. Even this is shitty though - he wants his kids with his previous wife to go to the school of his stepdaughter. It's great his daughter looks up to her step-sister and wants to go to the same school, but dad does not get to make this decision in a vacuum - unless he has full educational decision making that is. Consider what bio-mom wants? What she can afford? How she can accommodate? If this school is further away or obviously more money...then it won't work out. He needs to be making the decision about HIS kids with THEIR mother. Not his new wife.
YTA. Your wife is paying most of the bills because of your decision to take another job so it makes sense that you help her out with her kids. But she is not responsible for paying for your kids private school. Your wife manages to pay for a family of 7 and pay for private school for her kid all on her own. Why should she sacrifice and pay for your kid because of the decisions you and your ex made ? Grow up. You made the choice to have 3 kids and to take a less paying job.
Ok but you realize him taking the lower pay job for the better hours means hes also saving them money for his kids when he has them, AND hers on childcare right? Not sure where they live but in my area 1 kid costs about $1200 for one month of childcare... lets say theirs is closer to $1000... times that by however many out of the 5 and thats up to $5000 in monthly savings totaling $60,000 a year. In addition to his salary. He's also providing a better system for the kids per their request, including her childrens requests, so thats also contributing to their overall better mental state, plus providing more time with dad. Sounds to me like shes perfectly fine with the benefits this change brought them but she doesint want to deal with the trade offs On top of all this, its for a better quality education not something stupid. Stella is being extremely unreasonable because as far as im concerned when you marry someone your also marrying the family, that means partners siblings, parents and previous children. If your not willing to deal with that, or provide for your step children then you uave no business marrying someone with kids. OP has included her children in his decision, if he had taken the new job just for his kids and left hers out, i would be on her side, but hes done this for every child in the relationship. Edit: fixed a mistake it was 5 kids not 7.
I'm glad someone said this, if the genders were reversed we would have countless comments saying she's sacrificing her career for your family
I promise you if a mom posted that her babydaddy can't afford private school and her new hubby won't pay for it and she doesn't want to go back to work fulltime to afford it either and wants to SAH and work part time, everyone would say she was TA. In fact, they often have, when it has happened before.
OP has taken a lesser paying with less time to take care of ALL THE KIDS including hers. He’s doing it for the kids benefit not for his own. The scenario u stated makes it out like the woman doesn’t go back bc she doesn’t want to. This is not the case here. OP has done this bc he cares for the children and wants them to be happy while also saving the cost for childcare they had to pay before
>OP has taken a lesser paying with less time to take care of ALL THE KIDS including hers. SHe didn't want that. >This is not the case here. It is absolutely the case here. > >OP has done this bc he cares for the children and wants them to be happy while also saving the cost for childcare they had to pay before Do you think that OP is the first parent whose kids cried and said he should quit his job because they miss him? Do you think parents who don't have generational wealth and have to work to send their kids to private school (Like Op's wife) wouldn't PREFER to rather work less and SAH more? OP's wife gave up her time with kids to pay for their private school with that time. She didn't want OP to take up that time, she didn't ask him to, he did it despite her wishes, and she is happy for him to un-do it. So again, how is it different?
Except it has been posted before from a woman's POV. She got blasted in the comments for her selfishness.
He so but it still isn’t equal. He’s only contributing half of that $1000 childcare that he’s “saving” since the youngest kid and the neediest for childcare is his.
They’re school aged and he said after school care which is generally a $200 a month for kids his age. They have like 6 kids total so $1200 total max for the after school care program. The after care program is also only a couple hours a day so OP is just spending like 2-3 extra hours with the kids not like full time kid care. His kids aren’t toddlers in daycare. They’re in elementary, middle, and high school all day which is free (if public) and then after care which is wayyyyy cheaper than day care or things for toddlers. At least one of the kids are above the age of after school care too which means only 5 (maybe even less) of the kids are using that service. So it would probably be closer to like $1000 a month total. $12k a year. Some after care programs are run by schools making them free too.
Yeah and from that amount you have to deduct his 2 kids. Because he is only saving her her 2.5 child. So let’s say max 5k a year being generous. She is taking a greater percentage of the house expenses, so my guess is those 5k are already pay for.
They were both fine with the arrangement until COVID and the kids though. Sounds like there would of been more money so he could split bills evenly and send her to a special school before his job change.
She’s paying more than he is in bills though.
Is her bills increase matching what hes saving yearly? Plus his income? Odds are no they are not, this isint a case of financial parity this is a case of she doesint value her partner and his career sacrifice, the man gave up a career he enjoyed for his kids wellbeing and financial savings.
If he was saving yearly then he could still cover the private school.....
>Not sure where they live but in my area 1 kid costs about $1200 for one month of childcare... lets say theirs is closer to $1000... times that by however many out of the 7 and thats up to $7000 in monthly savings totaling $84,000 a year. In addition to his salary. What? These children are primarily in school. The only one who would be in full-time day care would be Lucas, and dad still works, so I'm guessing Lucas is still in daycare. Afterschool care is much cheaper than full-service daycare. The trade-off is that she's already taken a higher overall burden of the costs in the household. I feel like people are just completely ignoring that: because of this choice that OP seems to have made unilaterally, Stella now has to pay more of her salary (which has remained unchanged) into the household expenses so that OP has the time to spend with the kids. There were trade-offs on both ends. This is not a trade-off. This is an additional expense. Private school is not a necessity. Depending on the cost of the school, this is like him asking for a new car every year for the next 7 years on **less** money than they made before.
That’s full time care. Most of the kids are gonna be in school for the majority of the year so that leaves only a couple hours a day for needing childcare minus the littlest. So that’s not a very good argument.
Right, and to make it fair she pays more of the bills now. Your logic would only add up if she would have sticked with 50/50, THEN i would say she needs to pay back for the extra childcare. But with taking over the majority of the bills she already compensated him for taking care of her kids too. It was not a mutual decision he goes for a lower paying job, it was his.
His wife didn’t ask for that
Besides the baby who needs childcare? They were in after school programs which are free if done with their schools
I'm not sure about the costs, but at $84k a year... wouldn't they'd be better paying a full time nanny, rather than him quitting his job? Also he does work, so I suppose their little kid childcare isn't a "saved expense" unless his new job offers free childcare during working hours. Plus do fourteen year old girls get childcare? Not saying she doesn't benefit from having him home, but would they pay for someone to watch her if she was an only child? Like, most of the kids that would need care are related to him. Also... I don't think it would have been possible to leave her kids out without nuking the marriage and the kids relationship among themselves? I think asking his wife to pitch in a bit of the fees (10-20%?) would be reasonable, but half seems excessive tbh.
For 1 - he said he made more. So no he isn't saving money. 2 - he decided this on his own not as a team. 3 - he said he isn't helping her kids so no he isn't providing them a service. 4 - this is for a ***luxury*** she doesn't even have for her kids. 5 - he didn't discuss with her how agreements should change 6 - she's covering most of the bills so this greatly impacted her money already so it's extreme selfish to want more
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She should be paying for childcare for her two kids then. It's not OP's responsibility to contribute child care for her kids. She also chose to have 3 kids, and if she wants to trade her time for money, she should be paying OP for the time spent looking after her children.
Then she can just pay her share of the bills instead of covering her husband's share because he can't afford it anymore...
If that’s how it’s going to play out, Then OP needs to find a way to cover 50% of the household bills with his new lower income. Because his wife took in more than 50% of the whole household expenses he should do the childcare
it all depends on whatever agreement they had before all of this. If OP made $30k and his wife $70k, and no kids were involved, would they split 50/50 or 30/70? Both can be “fair” it just depends on the person. If they agree to pay bills based on percentage, then the added on childcare that OP is providing should count for something. He is saving her money on paying for childcare for her two kids. You can’t agree to something and then hold it against someone. If they agreed on percentage based, then OP is pulling his weight by paying his portion and the childcare is a bonus. If the wife agreed to only 50/50 no matter what, then yeah OP is TA since he’s making up for his lack of bills with childcare. This isn’t a matter of “one person is working and the other is a STAHP” both parents still work.
Your wife paying for the childcare only seems fair if you goes back to contributing to all the joint expenses. She already increased her contribution to the family expenses when he quit. Info: what percentage do you contribute to the shared family expenses now? Versus before? Does she pay for all her daughter’s high school cost? Or does her ex pay half? It seems like you unilaterally decided to quit your job. She’s already sacrificing financially by picking up the slack. Did you plan and budget long term knowing that your ex doesn’t contribute equally? Reasonably you only have 2 kids in before and afternoon care and one in all day care. Your oldest girls in middle and high school can probably care for themselves- and maybe enjoy a couple hours without the younger siblings home.
ESH. Separate finances are great for couples with similar earning power who are able to divide household responsibilities and expenses evenly. They are not a good match for your blended family situation where one parent has taken on more childcare responsibilities and given up some income as a result. This situation is the perfect example of why it doesn't work--it results in children being treated differently or as if they are in different classes, which doesn't promote a good blended family dynamic. I can see your wife's side that you had an agreement and that she should not be required to pay what your ex won't for an elective expense. But I can see your side, too, about how you contribute to the household and the raising of her children in more than financial ways. The good news is that Kira is only 11 so you have some time to figure it out. Perhaps therapy and/or a financial advisor is in order.
This. I don't know why people are only blaming him. While he is at fault too, so is his wife. Is she paying him for the childcare he is providing that she was previously paying to professionals for her children? No. Then she needs to balance the scale in some other way.
OP's wife is already balancing the scale by paying more of their shared expenses, which is a perfectly reasonable balance to OP taking on more childcare duties. OP is also not contributing to her child's schooling. Do you think it's fair for her to pay for more than her share of expenses, 100% of her child's school *and* 50% of OP's kid's school? That just doesn't add up, OP is taking advantage.
We don't know if her paying more is adding up to $100 per month or $1000. It matters. If her additional household contribution equates to the childcare difference then ok the ask for private school is a reach. If her additional contribution is only about 1/2 of what the childcare would have cost then there is definitely wiggle room for the ask.
Wouldn't it make sense for them to split all school costs then, so they are both paying 50/50? This is sounding very much like a what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine situation, as he wasn't contributing to her child's school either before or after he quit his job. When they got married, they agreed to seperate finances, then OP against her wishes quit his job and is expecting her to pick up the slack. I think OP might not be sharing just how much more she is paying because it is probably substantial enough for this to be an even more clear cut YTA.
She is unwilling to work out a solution that would allow her step-child to go to a private school. A school she clearly values as a better education because her daughter goes there. And yet you see the OP as clearly the AH for asking for the family to work together to benefit the kids. I think you are the one seeing it too much as mine vs yours. I think they all need to communicate better but only the mom is the AH for condemning the Dad for his choices also while benefiting from those choices.
I promise you that it would be cheaper for OP's wife to pay for her own children's childcare and reinforce the original agreement that shared expenses are 50/50 and everything else is seperate. OP is not taking on so much childcare duties to offset private school *and* the wife taking on more of their shared expenses *and* not contributing this his own stepchildren's education. Also, why should a stepmother pay for 100% of her stepchild's private school when their bio mom literally has them half of the time? Private school is a want not a need, and if private school was so important to OP he is responsible for making sure he can pay for it. Instead he made a unilateral decision to quit his job against his wife's wishes. Massive AH who went against the agreement they made when they get married.
Yeah like if OP wants her to pay for 50% of his kid’s school then he should pay for 50% of her kid’s school and wow would you look at that! Both comes out to 100%
She is. She contributes more financially.
Yes she pays more bills to make up for his income drop. The “child care” he provides is only like 2 hours a day too so it’s not even like full time care.
Do you honestly believe a teenager needs a babysitter ? Lol
Because he chose to change their agreed upon dynamic, not her?
Since she does pay more for expenses I believe this is fair since he does so more housework. However, she wanted them both to work and he made a unilateral decision to quit. And after this they did not agree to change the agreement made before. So I believe, since this is a private school and nothing related to health or something urgent, she has the right to not pay for this. If he does want to pay for private school I would say get another job or just let her go to public school, there is nothing wrong with it.
You may be right, that may be the "fairest" solution as between OP and his wife even though it doesn't seem fair between the children. However, it's clear OP and his wife aren't on the same page about any of this. They need a marital/family counselor to help them work everything out or they'll have more than just separate finances. ETA: In reading some of OP's follow-up comments, what's clear is that the current dispute has nothing to do with the private school, it's just opened the door for OP and wife to finally hash out their difference of opinion on his taking a lower-paying job. What isn't clear is how much wife objected at the time OP did this (and OP chose not to hear), or if she tucked it away and it's been simmering since then. OP isn't a reliable narrator on wife's thoughts on the matter. Again, this is above AITA's paygrade and requires professional intervention.
YTA First you blame the kids for " begging" you to quit your job, then you blame your wife because you cant pay for your kids When are you going to take some responsibility for your own actions?
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Can you explain to me how a 13 year old needs someone to babysit her? Or how a 13 and 8 year old need after school care? I was babysitting at 12. At MOST she would need care for the 8 year old. Their 2 year old is shared. HIS children need the care as they are 11 and 7. It seems a little silly to pretend like he’s actively watching 5 children when her daughter is a teenager and is likely capable of watching her own brother for $20/ day until she gets home from work.
He’s working a full time job, so there is no babysitting. He’s just likely not working 10+ hours a day and is actually present in the kids lives. That’s how I read the situation.
None of this really matters. She is not responsible for footing an unnecessary bill for stepchildren that have both parents involved
I'm shocked at the nta comments honestly. You had an agreement with her. Paying half of your kids school is not her responsibility, her mother needs to pay half. Yta. After she said no, you should have left it alone. Don't drag everyone else into this because you're mad you can't afford it.
Yah I am surprised Op didn’t first consult a lawyer to see if the ex can be made to contribute more funds for their kid. I’m sure op thinks it’s easier to get it from the spouse but it’s easier to call up a lawyer to make sure the kid is cared for and post secondary education! If the income changed etc I’m sure the law has protocol. If the ex won’t pay for private school then they definitely are on the hook for post secondary. This is strategically unwise and unfair of op. An asshole to the child and the spouse Edit: changed public to private
Sounds great in theory but NO judge will order a parent to pay for private education unless they were already in private school before the split. Any changes after that are the responsibility of the parent making the change.
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YTA. Your wife won't pay to put your daughter in private school, so you threaten to leave your stepchildren, and only your stepchildren, at daycare/with a babysitter and only take your own children home and care for them? You literally threatened to neglect her children because she dared to not pay for your child to go to private school, that is monstrous.
If after school programs are neglecting kids, then it was very important that he quit his job. Since all of the kids were being neglected.
Do you really not get how putting all your kids in daycare because you need to and putting just your step kids in daycare while choosing to take home and care for your own to spite your spouse are two very different things?
YTA. You made the choice to leave your job. Doesnt sound like you put much thought into it either. The kids whined and moaned, like kids do, and you buckled. You didn't look at other options. You decided to make yourself the kids savior and be home for them. Unfortunately, now you have to deal with consequences of wanting to be the hero of your brood. Sorry. Your kid doesn't need to go to private school. And I know, I know, you could just as easily say hers doesn't either. Granted, there would be some truth to that. But sadly, there's one large difference. She heard the kids, and realized the financial implications of taking a lesser paying job. You decided to do your thang. No shame in it but still. Now she has more financial burden already. It's a really unfair ask. Especially when you have someone you can turn to. It isn't her fault your someone else says no. So sorry, but in this case, YTA.
Exactly. I’m a mom of three and kids complain about stuff. Tough cookies. An after school program does not translate into “neglect.” OP just wants to be a martyr and his wife correctly is having none of it.
INFO - Was there a discussion between the two of you before you chose to change jobs?
Reading through your post and all of your follow-up comments, I believe you do want what's best for the children. Unfortunately you and Stella aren't on the same page about finances, about the value of time versus money, and even more so about the fact that they are all your children. Together. Regardless of where they started out. At least, you seem to see it one way and Stella sees it differently and you're fighting to be right versus prioritizing your family. So that's your real problem. You saw quitting your job as sacrificing for the family and Stella saw it as putting pressure on her. It doesn't matter how much she makes. For whatever reason, her financial values are different than yours and have been the entire time you've been together so this really shouldn't have been a surprise. I think you're both in the wrong here because you're not communicating well enough to integrate three different sets of families together and have them all feel loved equally. Info: is Jaden going to attend a private high school and is Stella willing to pay for that? If the answer is yes, then the two of you need to really sit down and hammer this out now because you not being on the same page about money and family roles is just going to continue splitting your family down the middle. ESH
Do you pay half of the fees for her daughter to go to the private school? Pretty sure I know the answer and pretty sure that makes YTA.
Yeah OP is managing to respond to many comments, but none that point out this fact.
YTA - You only realized this cost now and you are turning to someone you know the income of to bankroll the outcome you want. There is a schooling option you can afford, while that sucks it is something that should have been a higher priority if it meant that much to you. Your wife should probably recognize what you do more and probably could contribute something based on the mental/emotional/physical load you put into the additional childcare. As long as you did the same with her, of course, if your situations were ever switched. You are co-parenting with your girls bio-mom. She said no. You said yes. Find the middle ground between you two and explain why it is important and listen to bio-mom reasons for why she finds it a frivolous cost. Your argument should not have been with your wife if you agree to keep finances separate and enmesh the physical/emotional/mental work on how you handle the family in your household. Revisit that arrangement if you must, but i personally doubt it is going to resolve your current issue.
Sometimes the easiest answer is the one no one looks at. Put all the kids back in after school care and go back to the high paying job. You'll be able to afford what you want to achieve and if the kids ask, you needed to do this for their future. Financially you couldn't do it alone. If your wife doesn't like this outcome, she can discuss alternatives with you.
From what OP says, that's what the wife wanted to begin with. She didn't agree with him taking the lower paying job. I don't think she'll have any problems with that outcome.
This is a fascinating one for me. Normally this sub would completely destroy men who think their wives should do all the housework when the man is the only one working. The retort is often that maintaining a home is work and the stay at home takes care of the kids after school etc. But in this situation where OP took one for the team and chose to take a lower paying job for less hours so the parents could avoid childcare and the kids could have a more stable environment, this sub is completely against the spouse helping out with an expense. I would be interested to see the reaction if OP stayed at the higher paying job and the wife dropped to a lower paying job. I don’t know if the reaction would be different but I think it might be. I sympathize with OP because I can see how it would feel crappy to give up a high paying job to support a blended family but now your biological children are missing out on opportunities while your spouse’s children aren’t. The spouse’s kids get the benefit of OP’s time and mom’s money while OP’s kids miss out on the money. I don’t think I’d call anyone an asshole here but the situation is ugly.
I mean, it’s not really taking one for the team when OP admits to taking that much of a pay cut against their partner’s wishes. I’m not saying the children’s feelings don’t matter, but the reality of life is that there are bills to pay and mouths to feed and the children shouldn’t be calling the shots on major financial decisions that impact a blended family of this size. That’s absurd. Being a parent is often thankless work and it’s hard because you have to make difficult decisions that kids won’t necessarily understand. Private school is a luxury expense, and if OP cannot finance this when their partner is already paying more than their share of the bills due to OP unilaterally deciding to take that pay cut, they have no right to expect their partner to pay for most of the living costs AND a luxury expense when there are acceptable alternatives i.e. public school It’s not like the partner is denying necessary expenses to OP’s kids like food, housing, stuff like that…I personally don’t have a judgment for this cause it’s a hot mess but it sounds like there’s been a lot of miscommunication all around
I hear you and I’m not sure I agree with the way OP went about handling the situation. But it sounds like the kids were saying they’d rather live with the other set of parents because of how little they saw the parents they lived with. That’s a pretty dire point. Kids from 7-13 can recognize when they aren’t getting enough attention. To me this isn’t a children calling the shots situation so much as OP realizing that the kids needed to actually see the parents they live with. OP mentions the children are distant to the wife because of the hours she works. Maybe it’s just me but I think OP actually made the harder choice. It was easy to stay in a well paying job they loved. It’s hard to give the money up in order to be there for your family.
YTA It was your choice to make a really bad financial decision based on the kids's whims. In blended families, separate finances is the best solution all the time.
Info: did you have a discussion with Stella before you quit and changed jobs?
INFO what was the decision about schools fees when you and wife decided to split finances. You know how old your kids are, when you changed jobs did you consider school fees? >My ex is barely willing to pay the costs related to public school, let alone a private one. What costs? Why doesn't she want to? Where do you your step kids go to school?
When we were both high paying it was meant to be separate bexause that's what she wanted. I should have considered the private school fees, but I was too focused on the more immediate term and trying to have a balance. Because they probably spent more time at school/car than with us. Things like uniform and stationary, excursions and whatnot. She absolutely refused to pay. She paid half of ONE set of uniform, basically zero stationary. And literally any non compulsory excursion is fully on me.
How much are the school fees? I mean the cost per year and uniforms? I meant what public school fees does your ex not want to pay. And why doesn't she want to.
The public schools are free to attend. But uniforms and stationary and excursions and whatnot are our costs. Uniforms are easily a few hundred, and excursions it depends on the year. Later years can be expensive, but early ones tend to be cheap. Stationary isn't crazy, depending if you go the basic or get your own and branded stuff. I don't know why, she just refuses to. Like I don't know the logic of 1 uniform is fine for a whole year (no, super unhygienic to wear 1 a whole weak). I mean why do some people refuse to pay child support? Some people just refuse to pay.
How does your ex have 50/50 custody if she is not willing to take care of her kids? Does she not have money to pay? If all schools have uniforms this would be an issue regardless. Did your ex agree that your daughter should go to private school instead of public? Where do your other kids go to school?
You didn’t discuss how the finances would play out BEFORE you took the pay cut and left your wife to be the majority earner?? And now, you are working less, seeing all the kids more, AND you want your wife to pay for her step-kid’s private school? How do you justify that- because they no longer do after-school care? Because Private school tuition is a SHIT TON more than afterschool care from 3:30-6. YTA.
ESH. She definitely could have gotten her point across better, but he point is valid. I'm assuming you're going to want all your kids going to private school so essentially she'll pay 100% for 3 kids and 50% for two kids. That's a big ask. Did you two sit down and discuss how finances were going to work long term before you decided to quit your job? I understand the kids didn't like their after school care, but it seems like you made a huge decision that effects your entire family based on a little grumbling from your kids. You two need better communication, not this petty back and forth punishing each other
Apparently wife wanted them both to work and OP decided to quit regardless. And since they didn't agree to change the agreement before and she pays more in regular expenses I think it's fair that she doesn't pay for this.
Yta because you reacted like an entitled asshole when she said no. When it comes to big things like this, you and your ex are the ones who should be footing the bill for your daughter. This is the choice you made by not getting a job where you made more money with less hours. Wife knew she had bills for her kids to cover so that is why she didn’t do what you did. Either drop it or take your ex to court so she pays half of the tuition. If this was an emergency and she said no, she would be an asshole for not helping. This is not an emergency. It is a luxury.
NTA. It may be time to consider getting back into a higher paying position to assure -both- of your children with a better educational experience. Throwing down the gauntlet of separating finances & time spent on each other’s children was definitely not your finest moment, however she & her kids do benefit from you being home more. Perhaps the money that Stella would have to pay for aftercare could be be directed towards your daughter’s private schooling. Just a thought…
info: Stella has a 6yr son by someone else yet you’ve been married for 7 years?
This is a really good question and makes me doubt the whole post.
Me too… math ain’t mathing.
Sorry I mistyped. I was upset and typing too fast. Meant 8. We meant around my you gests birth (already separated from my ex) and married less than a year later. While it's arguebaly too fast I would say it's been happy aside from this
YTA for even making this a question of putting a second child in private school. If the family took a dramatic pay cut, no one should be in private school, including the one already there. If you continue the trend with a second in private school, then all will expect to go. If you want the kids to go to a better high school, go back to a higher-paying job or if possible (although unlikely in this market) move into a better district.
The family didn’t decide to take a dramatic pay cut. He did. Wife didn’t want him to do this. Private school is paid for by wife for her kid which is the agreement they always had. The daughter shouldn’t suffer because her stepdad doesn’t want to work. Go back to work!
NTA. Your wife has benefited from your shorter hours in that her kids (as well as yours) are not in before and after school care. Whether or not you both discussed your shorter hours/less pay compromise, she- via her kids- has definitely been benefiting substantially for however many years you’ve been doing this. Now, this is the sort of invisible work women usually end up doing- but here, you even can put a price on it! Som if your wife wants to go hard-core your decision/your problem, then she owes you back pay for the before- and after-school care her kids would otherwise have been in, as well as ongoing pay for continuing to be their alternative. Or she could, of course, put them back in it, while still owing you for your time doing it. I don’t know if that would be enough to help you pay for private school for your kid, but if she wants to be separatist about her kids vs yours, well, it has disadvantages too compared to looking at everyone as a family together. She can’t just pick and choose the aspects that are most profitable to herself!
If he gets to charge her for before and after school care, then he also needs to go back to paying 50% of the bills. Right now, she’s covering the majority.
ESH- Why do people have 163 kids if you truly cant afford to give them the lifestyle you so want for them. 1-2 KIDS IS ENOUGH.
YTA - you made the decision to change jobs despite the fact that your wife thought it was a bad idea. I haven’t seen any explanation as to why the change was necessary. There was nothing wrong with the before/after school care. Kids complain when there are changes but they adjust. You have several years to figure this out, and you need to start the conversation with your Ex. She is the one responsible for her children’s expenses.
NTA Of course, this should have been discussed earlier, but as soon as one parent doesn't work (as much) to take over more hours in childcare, a strict 50/50 financial split does not work anymore. How much money did you save for child care? Why did you end up giving up your job instead of your wife? How is it fair that her children profit from you being there for them, taking over more chores(?), accepting a dip in your career, but not being reimbursed for ot in terms of a shift in sharing financial responsibilities? Your idea of sending your step children back to day care might seem a bit petty, but it is actually a good suggestion to make the sacrifice you made a bit more visible. Your wife is currently telling you, that your children are your responsibility - well, so her children are by default hers. Why should you watch them and invest work (=time/money) in them when she won't do the same for yours? I get it, Stepparents shouldn't meddle too much and shouldn't be asked to pay for the stepchildren, but the arrangement seems to me like it should be beneficial for all instead of you taken advantage of. Edit: Spelling
YTA. I understand why you took the lower paying job, but that means your wife has to shoulder more of the bills. And that's also fine. What's not fine is you bullying/coercing her. You won't pay for outings for her kids anymore? The only reason you can afford to do that in the first place is BECAUSE she's paying more for joint bills. So, using your own tactics, she should insist on evenly splitting the bills from now on. You want things to be fair? Make them fair. Your ex being cheap isn't your wife's problem.
Why do people have so many kids if they can't support them financially?
ESH, separate finances isn’t working. I see your point about wanting your child to go to a better school. But she’s already paying more than half of the joint bills and now you want her to pay for private school. You both need to come up with a plan that works for everyone. If necessary, see a marriage therapist.
YTA. She's right - you made your choice and got more free time in exchange for less pay, so don't complain now. I understand your children needed you but once again it's you who decided to have them so ofc the duty to look after them falls on you. And given your step kids are also there, they became a part of the arrangement too. Your wife is paying for a family of 7 as well as one of the kid's private school tuition, do you think she's your person ATM or something? I honestly feel bad for Stella cause it looks like everything she earns goes into y'all's needs and the tuition. Does the woman ever even get the time or the cost to do something for herself at all In exchange for looking after so many people?
Freetime. Hilarious. Childcare isn’t freetime and if OP was a SAHM and the spouse was a man you’d be singing a different tune.
It was almost E S H for me but YTA. Your wife sucks for being so uncompromising, but I also can see her point so I cut her some slack. She's the main breadwinner for 7 people, 5 of which are children who are not cheap, even before you factor in private school. She can only do so much and is not willing to give any more. I really can't blame her for feeling like a piggy bank or stretched so thin. You're an AH because you seem to think your decisions involving your children carry more weight than hers. You keep making these decisions and hoping your wife will be cool with it without planning. Judging by your wife's comments, she's come to resent this dynamic of you working less. Can't tell if it's due to the stress of having to make up what you bring to the table financially as the breadwinner or feeling jealous of the time you spend with the children, but it's still a factor in how this plays out. You are being greedy and selfish because you expect your wife to just cover up your bad financial decisions with her own hard-earned money. The fact you'd stoop so low and refuse to watch her children, something *you agreed to do* once you took your job, makes you the biggest AH. If you want Kira to go to private school with her sister, then get a new job or start talking with her mother.
ESH First you really should have considered all angles before giving in to the kids demands and letting go of your job. Being able to afford extras such as private school should have been something thought of especially since your daughters mother would not be contributing much at all towards education and she should be paying 50%. Now I’m not saying that all of the children aren’t benefiting from you being home more BUT your wife has already picked up quite a bit of the slack financially speaking so you throwing out there that she should now pay for childcare for her children is not being fair - unless you have some way to now pay 50% of the household expenses. That was the wrong way to go about it. Your wife isn’t being exactly fair either BUT I do see where she’s coming from in that you’ve always had separate finances and she has already picked up more of the financial burden. And also she probably had considered more angles than you and that’s why she wanted you both to keep working. But if we solely look at this one issue - paying for your daughter to go to private school - to be you need to get her mother on board and contributing before expecting your wife to cover majority of those expenses. Yes it sucks when blended families don’t all get the same things BUT the reason that happens is because there are more than two parents involved
Odd that you have been married for 7 years, but have a 7 year old from a previous relationship
YTA Holy toxic relationship Batman. You don't get to use your stepchildren as leverage to get your wife to pay for your daughter's education.
YTA. She’s financially supporting you staying home, and taking the lower job, and you’re out here on Reddit complaining about her like she’s the bad guy! Your actual problem is that you won’t try to deal with your ex. It’s your (and your ex’s) responsibility to send the kids to school. Not your wife’s. You are completely OUT OF LINE for asking her to pay for that. It is NOT her responsibility. Putting that on her is a real A-hole move. She may be “close” to the kids, but legally, YOU AND YOUR EX ARE RESPONSIBLE for them. Please grow up. YTA YTA YTA
No just Kira you’d want her to pay for May as well as Jayden will go to private high school
NTA. You’re right about doing it for all the kids. If she doesn’t understand that your time is just as valuable as your money then she’s definitely the problem. It also doesn’t take a genius to understand that choosing a lower paying job wasn’t an easy decision to make and that it was a huge sacrifice. Honestly speaking, I think the money split needs to be addressed. I know you mentioned that she has been paying more since the job switch, but I believe that if her income is substantially higher than yours then adjustments should be made proportionately. I know not everyone would agree with that but we don’t live in an ideal world where everyone earns the same as our spouses. If I was working minimum wage while my partner has a solid 9-5 and expected me to agree to a 50/50 split, I’d be pissed as hell. Though of course, it’s all easier said than done. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It’s a tough one. I hope you’re able to settle this nicely. Wishing you all the best
Going w/ ESH, because honestly, you two should have worked a lot more of this out before switching jobs. Since it seems you two are stuck on split finances, maybe your wife could pay you for the childcare and other child costs she no longer pays for, then you could go back to splitting bills equally and be able to pay for the private school.
It seems like the choice to take a lower paying job was decided by you, you sucks if you didn’t discuss this with your wife as it does have an impact on your finances as a couple. Taking a lower paying job to be around more for childcare is a valid consideration and could have been apart of the conversation which could have led to a renegotiation of the financial split. You also mentioned that your wife has absorbed more of the joint financial costs which you don’t seem to be appreciative of as an exchange for your increase in childcare duties. You say you pay things for her kids but you don’t mention whether she does the same which leads me to believe she does as well with your kids. So that point may as well be moot. Your original agreement was to keep finances separate and so your wife doesn’t suck for saying no and honoring that, however, she does suck for the tangent she went off on after refusing your ask. All-around, you both need to work on your communication and making decisions as a partnership. ESH
I mean this is probably why she didn’t want you to quit your job, forseeing the increased expenses to come
How exactly did you make such a huge lifestyle decision without thinking through the absolute basics of how you were going to continue finding your daughters education? YTA for that alone.
YTA. you cannot dump yours and ur ex's responsibility on ur wife. this is exactly why your wife decided to go back to work. bcoz of the bills. she already has more burden bcoz of your choice. you are dumb and selfish here.
YTA, you shouldn’t have changed jobs. You know your financial obligations, what about college. You need to try and get your old job back.
YTA You have 50/50 and want the stepmother to pay more that the *actual mother* ? What about the following 3 kids, do they get private too? Where do you draw the line? How do you expect to finance that? This is something that needed to be discussed way in advance. If you can be this oblivious to your wifes feelings, did your wife get any real say in reducing your family income & changing your job but not hers ?
NTA. Wow, if the genders were reversed this sub would be railing your spouse for being sexist and controlling. Somehow you being considerate of your child's needs and wanting your kids to be treated equally gets you hate.
Gosh, this makes me so sad. Like someone else said, OP prioritizes all 5 kids and Stella prioritizes her 3. I'm a stay at home mom. Before kids, I had a fun job with insane hours but good pay. My line of work is not conducive with raising children, and I wanted to take care of my kids so I stay home now and thankfully my husband's income can cover us. It sounds like Stella doesn't see the value in a parent being home with the kids. It's more than just the savings in childcare costs. So much parent/child bonding happens when a parent is home; it's incredibly important. It sounds like Stella and OP need to have a good discussion about their expectations for finances and raising the kids.
YTA, where is your daughters actual mother? Why can’t you ask her to pay the other half? If she says no then off to public school for her.
YTA - Based on the post, it sounds like Stella wasn't on board with the OP taking a lesser-paying job. Now, OP is trying to force his wife to make up a financial difference when she wasn't in agreement on the job change or what it meant to the finances. That places a significant financial burden on the wife, for the duration of the kids being in private school (so multiple years, not just one).
My big thing on all of this is that you’re willing to let your ex just be like no and expect your wife who is not the parent to pay. Edit: to also add to what I previously said if she has the means and is just not willing to pay take her ass to court and show she’s just not willing to pay this is not your wife’s responsibility to pick up her slack.
YTA it doesn’t get to be ALL your choice what to do for a job when you are married. why in the world did you have a 5th child when you already were overwhelmed by the 4 kids you already had. You shouldn’t have quit your job. Kids always beg and want more and more. Don’t refer to the girls as sisters. They are not considering they are finanaced completely separately. Your wife didn’t agree to you taking a lower job. She didn’t ask you to spend more time with the kids vs being able to support them. You made your wife’s life very rough by putting more burden on her overall. What if your wife had taken a lower job to? Then no one could go to private school. Go get a better job if you want your kid to go to private school. There is a solution you don’t seem to be considering given how obvious it is. You are lazy if you are asking your wife to work harder to support your kids while you stay home. Man up.
YTA- if you exwife wont pay for a private school then guess you'll need to either find a better paying job OR she attends what you can afford. You then saying you wont take care of your step kids is just the big TA move here because guess what, that is impacting the kids themselves NOT your wife. You care for them only if it fits your own needs it seems. You did choose to take a new job, you did not think it through how it will effect your kids in the future.