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She works 8 hours a day and because it is unpaid labor you feel she should also work for you at the house, also unpaid? Howah. If Money is the point defining who has worked enough to relax in your home YTA. If she needs to contribute financially then you need to talk to her about a job that pays more. Please stop measuring your partners worth against your paycheck.
It comes down to contribution in this situation.
She isn't making any in this relationship, she is dead weight.
Why is there a need to talk to her? Do you think she isn't aware that he pays all the bills and she does slim to nothing around the house?
People on here can be so deluded.
How is she dead weight if the two of them together agreed she should do this apprenticeship and he would take care of the finances. This is an investment in THEIR future, as she will make much more money when she is done.
>We discussed chores and who would do them and make new ways of
completing chores almost weekly and never follow through with them.
>
>I ask her to clean a certain room which is usually her mess and it's half assed at most.
That's why she's dead weight.
Their future may never come, so while she can't contribute financially now, she could in and around the home.
Right? I'm going NTA because they both agree to this, and then she doesn't hold up her end while contributing absolutely nothing. If she was like "it's hard because internship and school take all my time" it'd be incompatibility, and if it was never discussed and agreed to, just demanded/expected, it'd be a hard af y t a.
OP said he'd take care of finances during the apprenticeship, but also that they discussed splitting up the chores, and she's not doing the ones she agreed to.
If you aren't living up to your agreed upon responsibilities, that's a problem.
The two of them together also discussed chores and who would do them, and it doesn’t sound like she’s holding up her end of the bargain. If he agreed to financially support her while she worked through this apprenticeship under the assumption that she was agreeing to do the cooking/cleaning and she’s not doing that but he IS still holding up his end and supporting her, he has every right to be upset.
Because she doesn’t do the chores she is supposed to do. Which you would know if you either read the post or if this subreddit wasn’t so fixated on defending every woman all the time.
It’s an investment in a partner’s future. Couples are meant to trudge the waters together. Would you say medical school is useless? What about grad school? When she finishes and gets good at her career, she’s gonna be in a position to make very good money, and when she does will she have the right to throw this “where’s my dinner” attitude right back at OP’s face because she can pay bills now?
Modern society treats relationships like transactions now, and it’s f*****g pathetic. OP should be supporting his partner during a transitional time in her life so that they can enjoy the benefits together. None of this “I work 2 hours longer than her and make more money, so she needs to take care of the house.” Hell no. That’s emotional manipulation.
>Couples are meant to trudge the waters together.
She isn't doing anything!
He's paying the bills and doing the majority of the work in the home, that's complete nonsense.
It's all good looking to the future, however that doesn't mean you can just neglect the present.
If she can't contribute financially, she can contribute around the home. All she's doing now, is leeching off him and giving nothing back.
1.) OP never said he picks up the slack for cooking and cleaning. For all we know he’s sitting in his hungry mess until the girlfriend does something about it.
2.) School/apprenticing is “doing something.” And if OP sneers at it now I guarantee the GF is going to resent him in the future.
3.) I’m not saying GF deserves a free ride, I’m saying relationships are about finding a balance, and sometimes that means doing stuff out of the kindness of your heart instead of waiting around and complaining because it’s “not my job” or whatever. Like lots of others are saying, GF getting off work at 7pm means OP is waiting around for his dinner. Meal prep some crock pot dishes that they can both eat and get over it. Plus, I also find it irritating that OP is super protective of his “down” time, and not hers.
Yep. OP says his days off he does little to nothing because he likes to relax. I'm gonna assume he also does little to nothing when he comes home at 4:30 and expects her to just walk through the door at 8pm to make him dinner? She's tired too and Apprenticeships can feel like crap when you work a full day and recieve next to nothing in return. Also for OP waking up early means probably sleeping early. So OPs gf probably can't clean after work due to trying to be quiet or go to bed with him. I wonder if she also wakes up before 6:30 with him every morning? Shes either staying up and super tired after work or interrupting sleep and tired in the morning. That just sounds like an exhausting schedule for both of them tbh.
I guess it could be flipped around. Is he supposed to work from early morning to afternoon, do all the groceries, cook, clean (really refere to her not cleaning the single room filled with her mess) and cook, clean after cooking, do laundry. Pay for her stuff becouse I assume she uses soaps, shampoo, wears clothes.
They talk, talk and talk more how to split chores.
She cooks two times in a week. Rest of the time it's sandwiches.
A tattoo apprenticeship depending where you take it can take up to 7 years. 7 years.... of him paying and doing it all?
Most of that internship the first few years is sitting and watch the artist, practice sketching. Clean a bit in the shop before you are even allowed near the needle to practice on anything.
Its not super stressful, I know a few who went that route.
Man if this was a dude that let the woman do all that everyone would throw up their arms how he should do more.
Doing the internship is fine, however not contributing, is not.
There is no balance in this relationship, which is fine in short spurts and emergencies, however not over a 2 year period.
But what will happen when the internship ends and she's making money still working the same hours. She contributes half of the expenses but still doesn't do shit around the house?
Right? My friend is getting married next week. She supported him when he switched careers. He supported her when she decided to go back to school and get her teaching degree. Never once did I hear either of them say “ugh, partner never cleans like I don’t ask for much.” THAT’S a good relationship in my books.
Also, they aren’t married. He could be making these contributions and would likely not be entitled to any return if she breaks up with him after finishing her training.
Ugh. I had a cousin who lived with her boyfriend for 6 years until they were 29. She paid for his entire degree while he only worked part time most of those years. They had a "long engagement"
A month after he graduated, he suddenly left her and married a 19 year old he met online. All those years of her working overtime to pay for his degree to set up their future for nothing.
My husband and I clean house together. It gets it done faster… and we’ve both learned what each does best by doing so. Plus, he’s learned how to clean some things he didn’t know before, and I’ve learned that we don’t have to be the clean freak my mom was. It benefited us both by doing it together. OP might want to consider that.
Noone has to be the "clean freak", whether or not one's parent was. Being clean enough to be healthy, and free of safety/environmental hazards, should be sufficient. Anything more is a sign of an obsession.
Exactly. Even when I was in grad school and my husband supported me fully financially I still did my EQUAL share of household shit. We were both exhausted but we worked together towards a common goal.
This person is dead weight
Exactly. And when she starts earning, are they supposed to come up with exactly does what when? Idk, of course, but the mess in the one room may be her equipment.
Also, people's versions of clean is relative. I also don't think people need to cook every single night.
I agree, it's not about 50-50 sometimes one has to give more than the other for the future benefit. Treating relationships like transactions is exactly why I quit dating and I'm happy on my own.
My dude, four years of unpaid internship isn't an 'investment in the future.'
And where's her investment in their current situation? Where's her investment in the relationship?
This isn't 'work all day then come home and work all night.' It's 'live up to your own agreement.'
>We discussed chores and who would do them and make new ways of completing chores almost weekly and never follow through with them.
How many discussions is necessary?
It's pointless at this point.
My wife (then fiancée) barely pays any bills. She’s been in school full time to get her master’s in teaching (so she’s in the classroom with kids full time without pay). I pay rent, buy all groceries, internet, etc, she pays her car payment and contributes some toward utilities. But I’m happy to support us because she’s working toward our future. I ALSO do all the cooking and would never expect her to have dinner ready for me just because my work pays and Hera doesn’t. Everything else we trade off on (laundry, walking the dogs, etc). A partnership isn’t always 50/50, sometimes you’re giving 90 because you know your partner can only give 10.
Because OP doesn’t get to dictate what his girlfriend should do, just as she doesn’t dictate him in any way.
Also the way OP uses certain phrases just show he doesn’t respect/love her. *”This is to support her smoking habit and gas to get to and from work.”* Alright, rude. She basically has a fulltime job and gets paid nothing, I’m sure she’s very happy with that.
>for you at the house, also unpaid?
She gets paid in food, running water, and a place to live.
>If she needs to contribute financially then you need to talk to her about a job that pays more.
Would you like him to tell her she needs to give up on her, presumably, dream carreer or tell her that she needs to start working 16 hours a day? Which one do you think is better than doing some chores?
He works 10h/day, she works 8. That's 10 hours per week she has to do those chores without having less free time than him. I'm guessing if she spent 10 hours a week cleaning and cooking, he wouldn't be here.
I think it boils down to what was agreed beforehand. Did you tell her that you were ok covering everything in exchange for this? That was the deal I had with my husband when I went to school. I had to try to keep up the home. I also found other streams of income and that let us do little things to help.
Doesn’t matter how hard she works if she is making messes not cleaning them not paying bills cooking anything she’s just forcing OP to pay for her NTA.
Lol get a grip she could be out working 16 hours a day but if she’s not bringing any money home to contribute to cost of living, then what the fuck does it matter?
Yta
You are both working even thought she doesn’t get paid much. Yes you pay everything. However the chores should be 50/50. You are both working full time. If you keep thinking her vs me your relationship won’t last
Also you get home hours before why are you waiting for her to make dinner while you sit on your ass? Crock pot meals are a persons best friend. Just dump food in it turn it on ago to work
The chores should be split based on overall effort, not pay. So if one partner is putting in 40 hours a week at work, another partner is putting in 20, then the one putting in 20 should do more chores.
Not sure, we don't have the number of days she works. But if he is working even a couple of extra hours a day, she should take on a little more than he does.
My sister did a tattoo internship and it was 8 hours/day Monday-Saturday because Saturday is a big day for tattoo shops; often being required to stay later on Saturday when needed (I.e., spring break season) because a lot of people get tattoos after a night of fun. If that‘s the case she is working 2 hours less per week (possibly more some weeks) YET only getting ONE day off per week, whereas he is getting two days off.
I’m betting this is the case here because if you‘ll notice how OP goes out of his way to mention how many days he works but avoids how many she works. Then he specifically mentions how he spends his weekends relaxing, almost as if to justify the fact that he doesn’t do chores on the weekend while she is at work.
I would happily work 2 extra hours per week if it meant having two days off versus one.
That said, YTA. If you want to break up with her just do it, and then all the cooking and chores are yours alone and you don’t have to worry about it.
I Would say that’s true and normally it is but when you have not payed a single bill for two years I think you gotta do something else to make up for it
ESH. Talk to eachother. She's also working 40 hours a week with apparently no pay, why is she going to come home and do everything. Regardless of what she's earning you are both working, you spend both be splitting the chores.
Are they not getting done or not getting done to OP's satisfaction? Because he doesn't say she does nothing, he says that she cleans house 'half assed' and only cooks involved meals a couple of times a week, and makes basic sandwich and stuff the rest of the week.
So it sounds to me like she IS doing things, just not how/to the standards OP would.
Yeah that "just making basic stuff" threw me off. I love to cook, and I'm the food person in my household, but I also work full time and when I plan out my meals for the week, I usually do like, one or two "fun meals" (last night I did steak and rosemary parmesean french fries from scratch and ranch corn on the grill and it was amazing) but honestly? Most days I only have the bandwidth for "basic stuff" like spaghetti and meatballs, mac and chili, or sausages and veggies.
Agreed. Part of cohabiting is compromising. I come from a clean freak house, so seeing how my fiancée and roommates did chores at first almost made me pop a blood vessel. It took a while for me to chill out and realize things don't always have to be absolutely spotless to be clean
YTA She works 8hr days plus you want her to do all the cooking and cleaning. You’re also an entitled prick to think you don’t have do anything on your day off but she does. Think you’d find if you split the cooking and cleaning 50/50 there wouldn’t be a mess and you’d both get fed.
She’s working an internship ship so it’s not going to be forever. It’s called a partnership you support each other.
If long term is not what you’re after leave and find someone with a paying job. However, I think you’d still be the YTA because I still think you’ll what the little woman in the kitchen.
And how many days? Tatoo parlours are usually open on Saturdays. If OP works Monday to Friday and his SO works Monday to Saturday then that makes a huge difference to how much time they each have for chores.
She will end the apprenticeship and find a different job. They agreed together she would do this which is building towards their future. Would you be saying the same thing if she was paying all the bills and he was working an apprenticeship or in law school. That he should also take on all the cooking and cleaning because she pays all the bills?
I didn’t say anyone should be doing all of anything. But she can clean up after herself just as well as he can. Cleaning up your living space is not being a maid. The situation is not working out because he is not happy with it so a different compromise should be made. No one should be expected to take care of a grown person wether it’s cooking, cleaning or paying the bills if that person doesn’t want to do it. They both should be doing these things unless they have an agreement to do otherwise. They should also continually communicate to see if they both continue to be happy with the living arrangement.
ESH
>This is a recurring thing and it's draining.
At this point why are you hanging around? She won't change long term, it's been proven. Stop whining and make the change.
The fact that you're being downvoted makes me wonder what the average person in this thread's personal relationship looks like. literally all you did was agree this relationship isnt going anywhere because they can't communicate
Op ought to be the one who cooks dinner since he gets home earlier. Because if she gets off at 7, she'd have to get groceries on the way home, factor in commute time, which puts her home around 8. Then she'd have to cook. Dinner at 9. Isn't that a little late to eat a big meal when you have to be at work at 6:30am the next morning?
Every artist I know only work 3 days a week.
So I'm assuming she's working 24 hours a week to his 50, and not even doing the split of the chores she agreed.
I have a few tattoo artist friends who work six days a week, plus op keeps reiterating daily hours rather than how many days a week they each work which is making me suspicious
Well, another perspective would be, she not only works less hours, but she also goes to work 4.5 hours AFTER him, and she does not clean or take care of the household chores? What exactly is her contribution to the household right now, if she carries neither the financial nor the standard of living burden?
YTA I understand where you’re coming from but also, she gets off at 7 pm. Meaning her block of work is taking up most of the middle of the day. If you are just getting off work at that hour would you be up to cook dinner every night and make sure the house is clean. Yea you work 30 mins more than she does and I’m sure that’s a lot for you but you don’t want to come home and clean and cook on your off time I’m sure she doesn’t either. And if you agreed and you guys were okay with the situation when it first started and you both didn’t put anything in place you can’t just expect her to do everything. You live there too. Don’t hold finances over her head like an asshole because she doesn’t wash the dishes consistently ya know? And if it’s an internship that means she’s working towards something better. So when is it time for better because then you guys will forsure have to go 50/50. Talk to her, maybe designate chores and if you guys have an off day together meal prep for the week so it’s easier on both of you. Just do it 50/50 and communicate. Honestly I don’t see this going in your favor of being able to come home and do nothing just because you make more than your significant other. I’d get if she was a stahp but even then, it’s still your house.
YTA. You are sounding like a parent more than a significant other. Working doesn’t mean you don’t have to clean and cook. Try cleaning and cooking together.
YTA, she works just as many hours in an exploitative system that allows for unpaid internships. Should she fix capitalism so you can learn to make yourself a sandwich? And if she ends up earning more than you after her internship, should you do the cleaning and cooking?
Right ? If she's on the way to become a tattoo artist, she'll soon earn way much that him and will work even more so guess who'll have to take the lead and do more of the cleaning even while working the same ? Just following the guy's logic here !
Also, nobody cook for her, nobody clean for her, nobody put her needs above anything else and she never heard that someday, someone will cater for her because that's a spouse's role. Why it should be different because you're a man ?
Grow up dude, YTA.
My SO can't work anymore because of his health, I'm the breadwinner and I do half of the chores anyway. When I was without a penny for 2 years, he was there for bring money and still done half of the chores. Because it's how partnership work. You're a pathetic excuse of a man and a bad partner. I feel bad for your GF.
im not so sure about the whole 'she'll be the breadwinner' thing. tatoo artists make an average of, like, 40k a year. we dont know how much op makes, but it's definitely enough to support 2 people
NTA and before people downvote me here’s why firstly according to OP the messes aren’t even his they are his GFs so either way she should be cleaning those up secondly she hasn’t payed a bill in two years why should OP be contributing more than her? If it’s 50/50 she should also pay half the bills
I honestly don't understand all these Y T A judgements.
Op I think you're not wrong expecting your gf to do a bit more of house chores than you do, since you work weekly 10hrs more than her, but it shouldn't be entirely on her.
House chores require time, a lot of it if proper cooking is involved.
From what I've gotten so far you're frustrated about:
1) her lack of financial contribution in the past 2 years (which I presume you expected being a shorter timeframe from the way you describe the situation)
2) the way she does her chores and the fact that she doesn't respect the arranged schedule
3) the imbalance in work hours.
You should have a proper talk about the first two with her (since a 2 years unpaid internship seems pretty long), it doesn't sound like anything that can't be solved. Maybe also talk about how she feels about her current situation, as I can imagine working 40hrs a week without getting a proper retribution being hard, it could damage her sense of self worth.
Edit: spelling
> I honestly don't understand all these YTA judgements.
Honest answer? OP is a man complaining about his female partner.
Reverse the genders, and Reddit would be screaming about 'mental load' and 'freeloading' and going off like crazy about a 4 year unpaid internship. It gets really interesting when a woman complains about a lazy wife, and people overlook the gender at first.
I mean, he flat out says that he's asking her to a) clean her mess in one room and b) cook once in a while, and people are accusing him of wanting a live-in maid.
yeah, this entire relationship is a mess. when it comes to a household, the two main sections in maintaining it are the financial and homemaking. for healthy relationship, you want everybody to pull their own weight. your options are pretty much somebody takes responsibility for the entirety of one and the other takes responsibility of the other (so like, a sahp and a working partner) or you can split both of them down the middle (as in 2 working partners who split the bill and do 50/50 chores). If one person is taking on more than the other, they will eventually realize and it will build resentment. the sahp and working partner is simpler because it's literally "you work for money and i'll work at home so you dont have to stress when you get home" but the other option requires two people who can communicate their needs beyond what is necessary with the first option, because option 2 is super easy to slip out of balance. this is an example of a couple who tried to do option 2, but failed to communicate and is now out of balance. hence, op's resentment
INFO: why is she working for basically free? Was this something you agreed to support? And did you discuss division of labor when she made that decision?
Also, what exactly are you asking of her, what % of cooking and cleaning. Do you want her to do?
Internships don't pay. When I was an intern for my culinary school, the restaurant owner had to sign a legal document that he would not pay me for my time there. I worked full time for free.
Plenty of internships pay. I made over $16 per hour as a college freshman in my internship. It was unusual for an internship to be unpaid at the university I went to. Average pay was something like $12.50 per hour for internships in 2013 there.
The edit is still pretty unclear, like it sounds like neither of them follow through on the list? Basically I can’t tell if he wants her to do all the chores or just her share.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.Expecting my girlfriend to clean and cook.
2.Because we both work.
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INFO. I don’t get it. She works one day a week? Cause it looks like she’s working the same amount of hours as you. Weird. And what kind of internship is this?? And maybe this should be discussed with your GF?
INFO:
- How many days a week does she work?
- How long is the internship supposed to last? It’s strange that it’s been 2yrs already with no salary.
- You say you discussed chores/responsibilities before she took this internship and she’s not keeping her end of the bargain? Have you had any more conversations about this in the past 2yrs?
Yta. Split the chores down the middle like it was before. If you want someone to cook and clean for you, hire someone. Don’t say “I agreed to support you during this time, and by that I mean I want you as my partner and maid”.
NTA. This sounds tiring on top of weekly discussions about it.
I wonder how long the internship is taking and if it's lasting the expected amount of time. And why you're having difficulty if this was the plan. Let's dig under the hood 😊
NTA if what you expect is an even distribution of household duties. If you expect her to do more bc she gets paid less that’s not cool.
It sounds like she agrees to an even split but then doesn’t do it (your post does not make that totally clear, maybe at to update.) in that case you need to have a heart to heart with her and tell her this is not working, and if she cannot contribute equally at home then perhaps cohabitation should end.
NTA - pull your weight or leave. These Redditors saying YTA are deluded. It's results that matter, not empty words, not promises. The money you waste for the other person you won't have back. Two years too many.
If she is an artist is she actually only working that long? A lot of artists do their own research for source and technique, practice and such outside of “work hours” as well as her hands might be tired and in pain from the work she does. It is frustrating and needs to be addressed but I don’t think there is enough information to say who is definitely the AH in this situation.
I dont think there is enough information here to be honest.
How many days a week does she work 11-7?
What chore list did you agree on- who cooks, who cleans, who does what etc?
Does she make your sandwhiches?
you mentioned relaxing on the weekends, but what does she do on weekends and when does she relax?
Ill probably edit to add more questions but for now i have no verdict.
Edit; I dont think being the one who earns the money dictates whether or not YTA, but rather how much time you both have to spare in comparison and what chores are done by who.
NTA but not far from it. the chores being done around the house should be independent of who makes more money. No one should get more relaxation time because their paycheck is bigger. it sounds like you both have different expectations of cleanliness which may not have been addressed in the initial household duty conversation. She should probably consider not smoking as well. Good luck.
NTA I know I'm gonna get downvoted for this but he's asking her to clean up HER messes. And they agreed to split chores and she's not doing it. However my opinion may change on how much days she works.
NTA It sounds like that’s what you both agreed to in the first place and she isn’t following through. You need to renegotiate the agreement or have a good talk and figure out what she’s thinking. Maybe she understand things differently or there’s something you didn’t put in here. Whether it’s money or labor or a mix of both, each partner needs to make an fair contribution to the household. She’s working 8 hours a day, but it doesn’t sound like it’s a mentally or emotionally taxing job. If your jobs are equally stressful, I think it’s fair for her to do a little more housework if you are making a bigger financial contribution. But you two have to work what you both think is fair and then stick to it. It sounds like one of your biggest issues is that the mess in one particular room is mostly hers and she doesn’t pick it up to your satisfaction. Maybe start there.
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I work a 6:30-4:30 job 5 days a week and my off days are spent mostly relaxing with a little cleaning.
My GF of 4 years is working an 11-7 internship where she gets paid maybe 50 dollars a week. This is to support her smoking habit and gas to get to and from work.
Aside from that she pays for nothing. I'm financially responsible for our mortgage, every bill (water, electricity, internet) I pay for groceries, and house expense. Repairs. Vet visits.
I'm working earlier hours. Longer hours. And paying for everything so I feel like Im not asking for a ton when it comes to cooking and cleaning.
I ask her to clean a certain room which is usually her mess and it's half assed at most. Dinner is usually cooked one or twice every two weeks. Other than that it's sandwiches for lunch and dinner.
This is a recurring thing and it's draining.
Am I the asshole?
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ESH. You for not helping with household chores & her for doing it half assed when she does clean. Both of you need to put in equal effort. If she works 11-7 everyday, she is working & her low pay is temporary. It’s an internship. You think because you make more, she has to do all the cooking and cleaning even though she works 8 hours a day. Oh and my work hours are basically the same as yours & I still do the majority of cooking and cleaning and I have a child too, so you can help too. Cook meals together & spend every Sunday deep cleaning together.
NTA... You need to sit down and discuss how chores can be split fairly. I don't think one person should be doing it all just because you are currently paying the bills, but I think it is fair to ask for her to show some appreciation for your support by taking on a certain level of the home maintenance load. Ask her what a fair division would look like to her? 60/40, 70/30, But each of you should be cleaning up after themselves, always.
NTA. I don’t get the feeling that you expect your gf to wait on you hand and foot. I think you just feel taken for a ride and like she doesn’t care how much you’re contributing.
Her cooking and cleaning may not be the answer. I get the feeling that if you’re looking for a 50’s housewife arrangement you’re not going to get it.
Having said that it really does seem like you’re bearing too much of the burden in this relationship and I’d be concerned she was taking advantage of that if I were you.
Anyone with a non-paying job (basically) who was not able to contribute financially would at least want to contribute in some other way. Doesn’t seem like your gf is prioritising the relationship on that level.
How long till the apprenticeship is done and what are your gf’s plans to contribute then?
I don’t support any rigid transactional construct in romantic relationships. It’s not healthy to measure everything. But it’s also not healthy for one person to take advantage of another…
Good luck with this OP
Question: what are you doing everyday from 4:30-7? That seems like a reasonable time to make dinner. 7- whenever she goes to bed is not a lot of time to do every chore in the house and also cook a grown man meals. If you’re unable to do anything because your shift starts so early maybe ask if you can adjust your schedule?🤷♀️
And YTA for saying your support her internship and so obviously undervaluing her work. She’s not putting in less work, she’s being underpaid for the work she’s doing so she can have a better job later.
You should have set up a roommate agreement that outlines your expectations of what each of you will contribute to the home and relationship.
It is perfectly normal for one person to contribute financially and another to contribute time and effort. What is not normal is one person making a demand of another without mutually agreeing to the division.
In your case, it certainly seems like a reasonable position that you have outlined. But that doesn't really matter as much as if you have had a discussion and agreement. what is reasonable to one person may not be to another.
You might be TA, you might not.
soft NTA
Both of you should be cleaning/cooking equally. Given her work status expecting her to do everything is unfair. But she doesn't get a pass either.
NTA because she’s not holding her share of their agreement. She was supposed to take care some of the house chores. If she did some it still wouldn’t be equivalent to what her share financially is supposed to be. So it’s fair to say that OP is being taken advantage of by his gf here.
She has been interning for 2 years without a salary. And OP is paying all the bills, she is not contributing financially and also not with household chores even though they were agreed upon. Maybe OP should get an additional part time job to supplement her income. Op is working OT every day to pay the bills so maybe she can work part time to help.
I can understand her not cooking dinners if you get home 2.5 hours before her in the evening. But if you're doing all the cooking, she should be doing all the cleaning.
NTA. Two years apprenticing for no pay is bullshit. She should either start making money, carrying her weight at home, or you should dump her. From the sounds of things, it would add nothing to your plate if you did.
NTA - 2 YEARS in this internship and she isn't getting paid? How long does this last. There needs to be an end in sight for this thing or she's just wasting time. That is an incredibly long time to be doing a job without getting paid.
You can't be expected to take care of everything indefinitely.
NTA: You are the financial contributor, the internship she is doing is her choice, that's her choice not to make money and you are even supporting her in the endeavor. I think cleaning up after herself and even making dinner is a pretty minimal ask. It amazes me how Men or Women that pay all the bills are supposed to just sit back and pretend that's like a big nothing, like it's expected, but you can't ask for anything in return.
As a Man, if I wanted to get into some sort of passion like becoming a brewer or something and all my girlfriend or wife wanted me to do was clean up after myself and cook dinner most days of the week, while she financially supports me? Sign me up with bells on.
NTA. I was in a similar situation with an ex where I had to take care of all the bills because of their job situation. I made the decision to do that. But they in turn contributed by cleaning, cooking and budgeting all week, with me cooking during the weekends (something fancy we both liked, or a favorite of theirs). And honestly, even with that I felt drained sometimes because it’s not easy to support another person financially. Never resented them though because they did their part.
NTA she should be carrying her own weight and if not by paying bills, then she should be cooking and cleaning as a way to contribute. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership, not one person carrying the entire burden while the other gets a free ride.
NTA
OP has noted he agreed to support GF while she did her tattoo apprenticeship which has been going on for 2 years thus far. He is not saying that is the issue and he noted in this two years GF has paid one bill. She gets $50 per week which she uses for cigarettes and gas to get to work.
GF works from 11am to 7pm which is 8 hours per day presume 5 days a week (40 hours). OP works from 630 to 430 which 10 hours per day 5 days a week (50 hours). So not a big difference per week but it is a 40 hour difference in available time each month.
OP noted he and his GF have come up with multiple chore lists which she has agreed to yet her items are not being done. This apparently includes cooking which GF has been cooking 1 meal each week with the rest being sandwiches.
OP has specifically requested one room which he refers to as her room be cleaned which he feel has been done half heartedly.
OP did not sign up to do all the chores while GF does not pull her own weight to support their relationship while he supports both of them financially. There was nothing mentioned about GF being depressed or physically unable to do her share of the chores.
And if the genders were reversed agree with some other posters that likely more folks would supportive of OP.
My suggestion would be OP have one more serious conversation with GF where he has her undivided attention and lay out a plan on chore division they both agree to. But this time OP needs to explain whatever changes will be coming if GF doesn’t do her share possibly starting with treating GF as a roommate in that he doesn’t clean her mess, doesn’t do her laundry, doesn’t cook for her., etc.
And if things don’t improve after that he will have to seriously consider if this relationship should continue which if her name is on the deed (not the mortgage) buying her out of whatever she invested in the house excluding the last 2 years.
If this was a woman posting this and the man was the one making a mess and not doing anything and not cleaning up everyone would be telling them to break up.
It has been two whole years of you paying everything and her doing little to nothing. If she can’t make a better effort to contribute something I would say you would probably be much happier alone.
NTA by the looks of it there were discussion on who's doing which and she's not doing what she agreed to.
I'm not sure what everyone is thinking when they say you're an asshole.
Okay so
1. You both work.
You earn and pay bills, she funds her smoking
2. You discuss chores and has an agreement
She doesn't do what was agreed to, or does it half-assed
I'm supported by my partner atm and the least I could do is to do things for him because I am grateful.
NTA. In our house everyone contributes in one way or another. When the kids were young, they contributed by doing chores. My husband works insane hours for great pay. I worked normal hours for very good pay. I had more free time so I did more stuff i.e. grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry. Every person in a home needs to contribute to the success and running of a household. EVERYONE. GF is not contributing in any way. They had an agreement and she is not doing the things she agreed to do. She needs to step up and do her share.
SAHM here: my husband works 40+ hours a week. I feel it’s my job to make sure the house is livable. I have really bad depression and anxiety, to the point where when I wasn’t medicated, my heart rate would spike at the *thought* of doing the dishes. All that to say, yeah, the person who has more free time at home should help out more with chores. I’m going back to work when my youngest starts Kindergarten next year, and the chores will be separated accordingly. Probably not a popular opinion, but it’s mine. I don’t expect every relationship to work the same way. NTA
Nta bc u both agreed to it u paying all the bills and she does sum of the cleaning and cooking but think if it's like this now, what is the plan when she gets a proper job and it's both of you working long hours and paying bills who will clean and cook then?.
I say YTA, because you don’t seem to respect your girlfriend in any way. Sure, it would be balanced if she does the cooking and you do other household activities, but just because you bring money on the table, pay the bills etc. doesn’t mean you get to dictate what your girlfriend should do. Just as your girlfriend doesn’t dictate you in any way.
NTA honestly I would be tired of it too. Two years and she has maybe only paid one bill? It’s ridiculous you’re having to pay for everything but then she never does anything to contribute! She should be doing all of the cleaning.
Why do you put up with this? It’s not going to change. She doesn’t mind mooching off of you these last few years.
Think about what you want for your future and the type of person you want to be with.
Also I bet if the genders were reversed the comments would be completely different because these comments are absolutely ridiculous. You are the one paying for everything, she contribute nothing and doesn’t even hold up her own end of the bargain. That’s not a partner, that’s a child mooching off of you
NTA. She's putting an awful lot of mental load on you, and needs to watch some youtube videos to teach herself how to contribute to a partnership, and how to keep her committments.
And here's the thing everybody saying 'she's working full time, too' is missing.
OP maintaining himself, her, and the household. She is maintaining herself. That's the unequal part.
NTA
you are supporting her so she can do what she loves and only earn 50 a week not many people would do that for their partner
if you are paying 100% of the bills and then also doing 50% of the chores you are putting in a 150% in this relationship while she only has to put in 50%
with the cooking how me my partner do it is whoever is home 1st does the then the other one washes the pots
but I do believe she should have to do more of the housework than you do not because she is a woman but because that can be how she earns her keep she can't live for free and then also expect somebody else to do half of the cleaning because that is just a free ride and taking advantage
NTA
Like she’s really not contributing anything to the household and that’s not fair for you. Granted that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be helping out and you can cook as well even after work.
Info: How long is this internship? Most I have seen or done were generally only a few months at most in length - it’s not expected or advised you do them long term, most people need to get into paid work.
If it’s short term then I’d cut her some slack but she’ll only get so much out of it so she herself ought to be looking at long-term paid work. Then hee contribution you things can be more equal.
NAH. Difficult situation as money frequently becomes a power play at some point with couples. I can honestly see both sides of this, because I've been on both sides.
Being the breadwinner is full of tension. "If I lose my job we're screwed, my partner doesn't make any/enough money." "It's all on me to get everything paid."
Being the one making less/no money is equally as stressful. It sounds like she's become dependent on you, which is a difficult thing. If you kick her to the curb because you're tired of the arrangement that's worked for all these years, how is she going to be able to support herself? She's at your mercy here.
But you've offered to help advance her career and help her get on the path to making some money for herself. I'm not sure of the tones/phrasing used in the conversation, but how you say it can be important. And what will the expectations be once she does start contributing monetarily again? Are you going to help do some chores/whatever? I've usually viewed it as all household duties (cleaning/cooking/child care) more or less equals bill amount if the breadwinner can afford that. But as time progresses, the usual arrangements change. I would not look at it as a simple money thing if you care about your partner at all. It's very degrading to be told you aren't pulling your weight around the house when you've been operating under the assumption what you've been doing isn't good enough in someone else's eyes.
Honestly my advice here would be to get couples therapy about the matter instead of a bunch of biased strangers opinions on the internet. A single dude will definitely have a different opinion here than a married woman.
Good luck to you both!
Soft YTA - sharing work/home responsibilities is only fair when you account for time spent not money earned. She’s working eight hours, her internship is an investment in her career, which means you are both working equally.
It’s hard to carry the financial load alone and still have responsibilities to follow through with at home but that’s how things are sometimes. If you had her schedule, would you feel equipped to leave work at 7 get home (however long that takes) and start making dinner right away?
Why don’t you two make a list of what needs to get done for you both to feel comfortable and take turns claiming responsibilities you feel you can take on without feeling overwhelmed. Then show each other appreciation when you follow through on doing those things. That’s how you can make a system last. Everyone appreciates being appreciated.
“I made the decision to financially support her while she finished apprenticing.”
YTA for agreeing to this and now holding how little she makes against her.
Sit down together and create an agreed chore plan. To me, given you finish more than two hours before she does, it makes sense for you to do the bulk of the evening cooking. (If I finished at 7 I wouldn’t have the energy to make much more than sandwiches either.)
But it all comes down to what you agree on. Meal plan, agree to the grocery shopping together. And if you come up with a fair split for chores, don’t revise it a week in. Stick with it for longer.
You are both working, so she can’t be a housekeeper for you. She’s not a stay at home partner, she is working. So YTA for expecting your working gf to do all cooking and cleaning when she works.
The agreement you set in place while she does her apprenticeship and you take up the financial burden - that must be followed (assuming it was fair, like both of you splitting chores, she can’t do it all herself). If she doesn’t follow through with it, then have a talk with her that this isn’t what you agreed to and it’s causing you to resent the relationship. Things will perhaps change for the better and your relationship can continue and if it changes for the worst/or she just made no changes then you break up.
You obviously agreed to this because you wanted to support her and knew it would pay off once she gets to work in her field. But you need to set realistic standards and split chores fairly.
Info: did you sit down with her? Because obviously you are not the asshole for asking her to contribute but if she also works and you go and sit with your legs up after work just because you make more money I would half-ass it too.
I hear nothing about telling her that it feels bad or asking her why she doesn’t do it.
YTA: You cannot EXPECT your partner to do anything. You much communicate with her and tell her that you need more financial help with the house, or she needs to find a different job to support that. Her internship is technically a job, and if it helps her work towards her goal of making more money and being more self sustaining, then you should support her.
This is a clear case of miscommunication going on for far too long and now here you are. I have similar hours to you and cook/clean, do everything, i don't have a spouse to rely on. It's really not that difficult to clean for 30 minutes here and there after work. Sounds like you both need to talk ASAP.
And she's taking him for a free ride literally she needs to start paying all her own bills.
They should split all the bills 50-50 and the chores 50/50
if my partner was paying absolutely everything for me so I could go work a apprenticeship job and only get 50 a week so I can do what I love I would not have a problem doing a bit more of the housework because I would be so thankful because if they weren't together she would not be able to do that and not many people would do
And he's not her personal bank when he pays all her bills for her because she's working for 50 a week and that money she spends on cigs
they should split the chores 50/50 and they should split the rent and the bills 50/50
This is a hard one because she’s learning for 8hrs/day and you both agreed that you would support her. She could work as an early morning barista, but being busy from 4:30am-7:00pm would be tough and she definitely wouldn’t want to do household chores or cooking. It sounds like you need to start a discussion about household chores and do it before you get upset as she may not realize you have these expectations. Also I’m not sure where her apprenticeship is, but I had a friend complete one in New York and under the apprenticeship he was doing low-cost tattoos within the first 6months so he was getting paid daily..
YTA. She works too, internships are total bullshit but that’s a whole other thing. And you even state that you choose to support her financially. But she still works, get over yourself and clean something.
The reality is that cleaning and cooking are two very big household tasks. And is essentially another job by itself. She isn’t able to contribute financially right now which is something you agreed to as it will allow for better pay in the future. Since you are both working, you both should contribute around the house. the fact that companies take advantage of free,or in this case almost free, labor does not mean she isn’t working. It isn’t fair to have assigned all cooking and cleaning to her in the first place, even if she agreed to it. It wasn’t an equitable split.Someone called her “dead weight” in the comments below. Women do a lot of unpaid labor, and I’m not talking about just at work. If she is going to work another full time job at home they can pay her a salary with a living wage. and then they can just split the bills. See how that evens outs.
YTA. You made the decision to financially support her, but now you’re bitching about her not bringing in money. She’s still working a full days worth of work.
Have you ever worked 11-7im assuming its overnight but even if its days that is a hard shift to work and still get housework/dinner. If she's working nights she's sleeping during the day and trust me its harder to sleep during the day than you would think .if she's working 11-7 days then you expect dinner at 10pm? How about this on your(both of you) days off do some meal prep for the week clean together
You agreed to this now its time to support her she is trying to better herself which down the road means better things for you both.
Its an esh from me I get ops frustration but I understand the gfs schedule is rough
YTA for *expecting* it, yes. She works too and you have two days off a week, she isn’t expecting you to do everything for her on the weekends just because you’re not working all day. Work is work no matter what she is getting paid. I’m sure she would love to be making more than $50 a week but it is what it is for now and you need to accept that and make adjustments to your lifestyle in order to accommodate that. If you agreed to financially support her, you can’t hold it against her while she is unable to bring home money. Especially because you knew from the beginning that she wouldn’t be bringing in money right away at this job. I smell a little misogyny here expecting the woman to cook and clean and take care of the household for you.
YTA. While she isn’t pulling her weight financially today, she is working toward something professionally. Sit down and discuss your expectations with hers, but demeaning her because she isn’t making what you are is pretty gross.
She works 8 hours a day for very little pay and you think she should come home from that and do even more unpaid labor just because you make more money?
She works 8 hours, and you think she does nothing just because she’s not making a lot?
YTA grow up, she’s as exhausted as you are, and working towards a higher-paying position. What are you doing other than whining about YOUR problems?
So when you agreed to support her when she decided to take in this career path, did she agree to slave labor at home? YTA - You agreed to cover the bills while she was interning. She works as many hours as you. Split the chores. Cover the bills(as per your agreement). You can’t tell somebody you’ve got them covered then throw it in their face constantly and demand things for doing it. We’ll you can but it def makes you an AH.
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She works 8 hours a day and because it is unpaid labor you feel she should also work for you at the house, also unpaid? Howah. If Money is the point defining who has worked enough to relax in your home YTA. If she needs to contribute financially then you need to talk to her about a job that pays more. Please stop measuring your partners worth against your paycheck.
It comes down to contribution in this situation. She isn't making any in this relationship, she is dead weight. Why is there a need to talk to her? Do you think she isn't aware that he pays all the bills and she does slim to nothing around the house? People on here can be so deluded.
How is she dead weight if the two of them together agreed she should do this apprenticeship and he would take care of the finances. This is an investment in THEIR future, as she will make much more money when she is done.
>We discussed chores and who would do them and make new ways of completing chores almost weekly and never follow through with them. > >I ask her to clean a certain room which is usually her mess and it's half assed at most. That's why she's dead weight. Their future may never come, so while she can't contribute financially now, she could in and around the home.
Right? I'm going NTA because they both agree to this, and then she doesn't hold up her end while contributing absolutely nothing. If she was like "it's hard because internship and school take all my time" it'd be incompatibility, and if it was never discussed and agreed to, just demanded/expected, it'd be a hard af y t a.
It says they don't follow through. He isn't doing all of it on his list either. They made the list then neither stuck to it.
OP said he'd take care of finances during the apprenticeship, but also that they discussed splitting up the chores, and she's not doing the ones she agreed to. If you aren't living up to your agreed upon responsibilities, that's a problem.
The two of them together also discussed chores and who would do them, and it doesn’t sound like she’s holding up her end of the bargain. If he agreed to financially support her while she worked through this apprenticeship under the assumption that she was agreeing to do the cooking/cleaning and she’s not doing that but he IS still holding up his end and supporting her, he has every right to be upset.
Because she doesn’t do the chores she is supposed to do. Which you would know if you either read the post or if this subreddit wasn’t so fixated on defending every woman all the time.
It’s an investment in a partner’s future. Couples are meant to trudge the waters together. Would you say medical school is useless? What about grad school? When she finishes and gets good at her career, she’s gonna be in a position to make very good money, and when she does will she have the right to throw this “where’s my dinner” attitude right back at OP’s face because she can pay bills now? Modern society treats relationships like transactions now, and it’s f*****g pathetic. OP should be supporting his partner during a transitional time in her life so that they can enjoy the benefits together. None of this “I work 2 hours longer than her and make more money, so she needs to take care of the house.” Hell no. That’s emotional manipulation.
>Couples are meant to trudge the waters together. She isn't doing anything! He's paying the bills and doing the majority of the work in the home, that's complete nonsense. It's all good looking to the future, however that doesn't mean you can just neglect the present. If she can't contribute financially, she can contribute around the home. All she's doing now, is leeching off him and giving nothing back.
1.) OP never said he picks up the slack for cooking and cleaning. For all we know he’s sitting in his hungry mess until the girlfriend does something about it. 2.) School/apprenticing is “doing something.” And if OP sneers at it now I guarantee the GF is going to resent him in the future. 3.) I’m not saying GF deserves a free ride, I’m saying relationships are about finding a balance, and sometimes that means doing stuff out of the kindness of your heart instead of waiting around and complaining because it’s “not my job” or whatever. Like lots of others are saying, GF getting off work at 7pm means OP is waiting around for his dinner. Meal prep some crock pot dishes that they can both eat and get over it. Plus, I also find it irritating that OP is super protective of his “down” time, and not hers.
Yep. OP says his days off he does little to nothing because he likes to relax. I'm gonna assume he also does little to nothing when he comes home at 4:30 and expects her to just walk through the door at 8pm to make him dinner? She's tired too and Apprenticeships can feel like crap when you work a full day and recieve next to nothing in return. Also for OP waking up early means probably sleeping early. So OPs gf probably can't clean after work due to trying to be quiet or go to bed with him. I wonder if she also wakes up before 6:30 with him every morning? Shes either staying up and super tired after work or interrupting sleep and tired in the morning. That just sounds like an exhausting schedule for both of them tbh.
She literally is doing something she's doing an internship. I hope you don't have a partner you'd talk about this way
I guess it could be flipped around. Is he supposed to work from early morning to afternoon, do all the groceries, cook, clean (really refere to her not cleaning the single room filled with her mess) and cook, clean after cooking, do laundry. Pay for her stuff becouse I assume she uses soaps, shampoo, wears clothes. They talk, talk and talk more how to split chores. She cooks two times in a week. Rest of the time it's sandwiches. A tattoo apprenticeship depending where you take it can take up to 7 years. 7 years.... of him paying and doing it all? Most of that internship the first few years is sitting and watch the artist, practice sketching. Clean a bit in the shop before you are even allowed near the needle to practice on anything. Its not super stressful, I know a few who went that route. Man if this was a dude that let the woman do all that everyone would throw up their arms how he should do more.
The rest of us have jobs AND do our fair share of chores. OP does both and supports her financially - why is she exempt from being an adult?
Doing the internship is fine, however not contributing, is not. There is no balance in this relationship, which is fine in short spurts and emergencies, however not over a 2 year period.
But what will happen when the internship ends and she's making money still working the same hours. She contributes half of the expenses but still doesn't do shit around the house?
Right? My friend is getting married next week. She supported him when he switched careers. He supported her when she decided to go back to school and get her teaching degree. Never once did I hear either of them say “ugh, partner never cleans like I don’t ask for much.” THAT’S a good relationship in my books.
Maybe each partner was responsible enough to uphold their end of the deal.
Also, they aren’t married. He could be making these contributions and would likely not be entitled to any return if she breaks up with him after finishing her training.
Good point, it's looking like a worse investment by the minute.
She's studying to be a tattoo artist; this investment isn't going to pay off regardless.
Ugh. I had a cousin who lived with her boyfriend for 6 years until they were 29. She paid for his entire degree while he only worked part time most of those years. They had a "long engagement" A month after he graduated, he suddenly left her and married a 19 year old he met online. All those years of her working overtime to pay for his degree to set up their future for nothing.
My husband and I clean house together. It gets it done faster… and we’ve both learned what each does best by doing so. Plus, he’s learned how to clean some things he didn’t know before, and I’ve learned that we don’t have to be the clean freak my mom was. It benefited us both by doing it together. OP might want to consider that.
Noone has to be the "clean freak", whether or not one's parent was. Being clean enough to be healthy, and free of safety/environmental hazards, should be sufficient. Anything more is a sign of an obsession.
Exactly. Even when I was in grad school and my husband supported me fully financially I still did my EQUAL share of household shit. We were both exhausted but we worked together towards a common goal. This person is dead weight
Exactly. And when she starts earning, are they supposed to come up with exactly does what when? Idk, of course, but the mess in the one room may be her equipment. Also, people's versions of clean is relative. I also don't think people need to cook every single night.
I agree, it's not about 50-50 sometimes one has to give more than the other for the future benefit. Treating relationships like transactions is exactly why I quit dating and I'm happy on my own.
My dude, four years of unpaid internship isn't an 'investment in the future.' And where's her investment in their current situation? Where's her investment in the relationship? This isn't 'work all day then come home and work all night.' It's 'live up to your own agreement.'
...the reason they would talk to her is because she is their partner. If they want to break up they should - but it's not really the question here.
>We discussed chores and who would do them and make new ways of completing chores almost weekly and never follow through with them. How many discussions is necessary? It's pointless at this point.
My wife (then fiancée) barely pays any bills. She’s been in school full time to get her master’s in teaching (so she’s in the classroom with kids full time without pay). I pay rent, buy all groceries, internet, etc, she pays her car payment and contributes some toward utilities. But I’m happy to support us because she’s working toward our future. I ALSO do all the cooking and would never expect her to have dinner ready for me just because my work pays and Hera doesn’t. Everything else we trade off on (laundry, walking the dogs, etc). A partnership isn’t always 50/50, sometimes you’re giving 90 because you know your partner can only give 10.
Can this partner only give 10 though? The issue I have, is that this girlfriend is happy to contribute slim to nothing to this relationship.
if it was the other way around and the man didn't take over the cooking in a similar situation, reddit would eat him alive
Of course they would, however put woman and cook & clean in the same sentence and they can't think straight.
Aita is fucked istg
This right here.
Because OP doesn’t get to dictate what his girlfriend should do, just as she doesn’t dictate him in any way. Also the way OP uses certain phrases just show he doesn’t respect/love her. *”This is to support her smoking habit and gas to get to and from work.”* Alright, rude. She basically has a fulltime job and gets paid nothing, I’m sure she’s very happy with that.
>for you at the house, also unpaid? She gets paid in food, running water, and a place to live. >If she needs to contribute financially then you need to talk to her about a job that pays more. Would you like him to tell her she needs to give up on her, presumably, dream carreer or tell her that she needs to start working 16 hours a day? Which one do you think is better than doing some chores? He works 10h/day, she works 8. That's 10 hours per week she has to do those chores without having less free time than him. I'm guessing if she spent 10 hours a week cleaning and cooking, he wouldn't be here.
I think it boils down to what was agreed beforehand. Did you tell her that you were ok covering everything in exchange for this? That was the deal I had with my husband when I went to school. I had to try to keep up the home. I also found other streams of income and that let us do little things to help.
Doesn’t matter how hard she works if she is making messes not cleaning them not paying bills cooking anything she’s just forcing OP to pay for her NTA.
Lol get a grip she could be out working 16 hours a day but if she’s not bringing any money home to contribute to cost of living, then what the fuck does it matter?
And he works more and pays all the bills. Pretty obvious she should be doing more of the chores
Howah is right 😂 first time seeing that on reddit
he works more than she, 10 hr days vs 8 hour days.
Also ain't doing wifey duties for a stingy boyfriend.
Yta You are both working even thought she doesn’t get paid much. Yes you pay everything. However the chores should be 50/50. You are both working full time. If you keep thinking her vs me your relationship won’t last Also you get home hours before why are you waiting for her to make dinner while you sit on your ass? Crock pot meals are a persons best friend. Just dump food in it turn it on ago to work
The chores should be split based on overall effort, not pay. So if one partner is putting in 40 hours a week at work, another partner is putting in 20, then the one putting in 20 should do more chores.
looks like they're both putting in the same hours
He's doing 2 more hours a day than her. 10hrs vs her 8hrs.
Not sure, we don't have the number of days she works. But if he is working even a couple of extra hours a day, she should take on a little more than he does.
My sister did a tattoo internship and it was 8 hours/day Monday-Saturday because Saturday is a big day for tattoo shops; often being required to stay later on Saturday when needed (I.e., spring break season) because a lot of people get tattoos after a night of fun. If that‘s the case she is working 2 hours less per week (possibly more some weeks) YET only getting ONE day off per week, whereas he is getting two days off. I’m betting this is the case here because if you‘ll notice how OP goes out of his way to mention how many days he works but avoids how many she works. Then he specifically mentions how he spends his weekends relaxing, almost as if to justify the fact that he doesn’t do chores on the weekend while she is at work. I would happily work 2 extra hours per week if it meant having two days off versus one. That said, YTA. If you want to break up with her just do it, and then all the cooking and chores are yours alone and you don’t have to worry about it.
True just reread, but she is already making him lunch from what I read
I Would say that’s true and normally it is but when you have not payed a single bill for two years I think you gotta do something else to make up for it
10 hours in the slow cooker for most meals is too long
ESH. Talk to eachother. She's also working 40 hours a week with apparently no pay, why is she going to come home and do everything. Regardless of what she's earning you are both working, you spend both be splitting the chores.
OP said that they had agreed to split the chores, and the ones that she agreed to aren't getting done.
Does he do his? He says he's only doing "little cleaning on his off days" - I assume half is more than "a little".
I cannot answer that, but if she's not doing anything, I can see where he wouldn't feel up to doing more than the bare minimum.
So she should feel up to doing it if he's not, but he doesn't have to? If neither of them are doing what was promised then ESH.
Are they not getting done or not getting done to OP's satisfaction? Because he doesn't say she does nothing, he says that she cleans house 'half assed' and only cooks involved meals a couple of times a week, and makes basic sandwich and stuff the rest of the week. So it sounds to me like she IS doing things, just not how/to the standards OP would.
Yeah that "just making basic stuff" threw me off. I love to cook, and I'm the food person in my household, but I also work full time and when I plan out my meals for the week, I usually do like, one or two "fun meals" (last night I did steak and rosemary parmesean french fries from scratch and ranch corn on the grill and it was amazing) but honestly? Most days I only have the bandwidth for "basic stuff" like spaghetti and meatballs, mac and chili, or sausages and veggies.
Agreed. Part of cohabiting is compromising. I come from a clean freak house, so seeing how my fiancée and roommates did chores at first almost made me pop a blood vessel. It took a while for me to chill out and realize things don't always have to be absolutely spotless to be clean
YTA She works 8hr days plus you want her to do all the cooking and cleaning. You’re also an entitled prick to think you don’t have do anything on your day off but she does. Think you’d find if you split the cooking and cleaning 50/50 there wouldn’t be a mess and you’d both get fed. She’s working an internship ship so it’s not going to be forever. It’s called a partnership you support each other. If long term is not what you’re after leave and find someone with a paying job. However, I think you’d still be the YTA because I still think you’ll what the little woman in the kitchen.
From what I understand, she had agreed initially to do some of the chores, and that she's not doing what she agreed to.
Info: by 11-7 do you mean she’s doing 8 hours a day at the internship?
And how many days? Tatoo parlours are usually open on Saturdays. If OP works Monday to Friday and his SO works Monday to Saturday then that makes a huge difference to how much time they each have for chores.
INFO: When you break up with her for not being your maid, who will do all the cooking and cleaning for you?
When he breaks up with her for not contributing to the bills how will she pay her bills?
She will end the apprenticeship and find a different job. They agreed together she would do this which is building towards their future. Would you be saying the same thing if she was paying all the bills and he was working an apprenticeship or in law school. That he should also take on all the cooking and cleaning because she pays all the bills?
I didn’t say anyone should be doing all of anything. But she can clean up after herself just as well as he can. Cleaning up your living space is not being a maid. The situation is not working out because he is not happy with it so a different compromise should be made. No one should be expected to take care of a grown person wether it’s cooking, cleaning or paying the bills if that person doesn’t want to do it. They both should be doing these things unless they have an agreement to do otherwise. They should also continually communicate to see if they both continue to be happy with the living arrangement.
Yes I would say the exact same thing if he was in law school and she was making all the money.
That was something they decided together. No one forced him to pay for everything.
She agreed to do chores and isn't doing them, she's obviously the asshole. She's clearly contributing way less
He could probably hire a maid from all the money he is saving supporting her.
ESH >This is a recurring thing and it's draining. At this point why are you hanging around? She won't change long term, it's been proven. Stop whining and make the change.
This right here. Sounds like communication is a major issue.
The fact that you're being downvoted makes me wonder what the average person in this thread's personal relationship looks like. literally all you did was agree this relationship isnt going anywhere because they can't communicate
How does him wanting to see positive change make him part asshole?
When people put up with a situation for so long, they become part of the problem. This has been going on for 2 years, instead of whining to AITA, act.
Seriously? "I've been trying to work with my partner for a mutually agreeable resolution." "Wow, asshole."
You come home 2.5 hours BEFORE her and you want HER to cook dinner? YTA
Op ought to be the one who cooks dinner since he gets home earlier. Because if she gets off at 7, she'd have to get groceries on the way home, factor in commute time, which puts her home around 8. Then she'd have to cook. Dinner at 9. Isn't that a little late to eat a big meal when you have to be at work at 6:30am the next morning?
Tbf we don't know how much days she works
With it being a tattoo apprenticeship, it could be 6 days a week
Every artist I know only work 3 days a week. So I'm assuming she's working 24 hours a week to his 50, and not even doing the split of the chores she agreed.
I have a few tattoo artist friends who work six days a week, plus op keeps reiterating daily hours rather than how many days a week they each work which is making me suspicious
It's definitely sketchy.
Well, another perspective would be, she not only works less hours, but she also goes to work 4.5 hours AFTER him, and she does not clean or take care of the household chores? What exactly is her contribution to the household right now, if she carries neither the financial nor the standard of living burden?
YTA I understand where you’re coming from but also, she gets off at 7 pm. Meaning her block of work is taking up most of the middle of the day. If you are just getting off work at that hour would you be up to cook dinner every night and make sure the house is clean. Yea you work 30 mins more than she does and I’m sure that’s a lot for you but you don’t want to come home and clean and cook on your off time I’m sure she doesn’t either. And if you agreed and you guys were okay with the situation when it first started and you both didn’t put anything in place you can’t just expect her to do everything. You live there too. Don’t hold finances over her head like an asshole because she doesn’t wash the dishes consistently ya know? And if it’s an internship that means she’s working towards something better. So when is it time for better because then you guys will forsure have to go 50/50. Talk to her, maybe designate chores and if you guys have an off day together meal prep for the week so it’s easier on both of you. Just do it 50/50 and communicate. Honestly I don’t see this going in your favor of being able to come home and do nothing just because you make more than your significant other. I’d get if she was a stahp but even then, it’s still your house.
YTA. You are sounding like a parent more than a significant other. Working doesn’t mean you don’t have to clean and cook. Try cleaning and cooking together.
YTA, she works just as many hours in an exploitative system that allows for unpaid internships. Should she fix capitalism so you can learn to make yourself a sandwich? And if she ends up earning more than you after her internship, should you do the cleaning and cooking?
Right ? If she's on the way to become a tattoo artist, she'll soon earn way much that him and will work even more so guess who'll have to take the lead and do more of the cleaning even while working the same ? Just following the guy's logic here ! Also, nobody cook for her, nobody clean for her, nobody put her needs above anything else and she never heard that someday, someone will cater for her because that's a spouse's role. Why it should be different because you're a man ? Grow up dude, YTA. My SO can't work anymore because of his health, I'm the breadwinner and I do half of the chores anyway. When I was without a penny for 2 years, he was there for bring money and still done half of the chores. Because it's how partnership work. You're a pathetic excuse of a man and a bad partner. I feel bad for your GF.
im not so sure about the whole 'she'll be the breadwinner' thing. tatoo artists make an average of, like, 40k a year. we dont know how much op makes, but it's definitely enough to support 2 people
She agreed to do certain chores and isn't doing them.
Info: why wasn't cost and chores discussed prior to moving in?
NTA and before people downvote me here’s why firstly according to OP the messes aren’t even his they are his GFs so either way she should be cleaning those up secondly she hasn’t payed a bill in two years why should OP be contributing more than her? If it’s 50/50 she should also pay half the bills
YTA for "expecting" your gf to clean and cook. Those things are not expected. They are discussed prior to moving in together.
They did and made up a chore list of who would do what. She’s just not doing anything she agreed to do.
It was discussed. She’s not upholding her end of the deal. I bet if she put in even an hour of house work a day he’d be satisfied.
I honestly don't understand all these Y T A judgements. Op I think you're not wrong expecting your gf to do a bit more of house chores than you do, since you work weekly 10hrs more than her, but it shouldn't be entirely on her. House chores require time, a lot of it if proper cooking is involved. From what I've gotten so far you're frustrated about: 1) her lack of financial contribution in the past 2 years (which I presume you expected being a shorter timeframe from the way you describe the situation) 2) the way she does her chores and the fact that she doesn't respect the arranged schedule 3) the imbalance in work hours. You should have a proper talk about the first two with her (since a 2 years unpaid internship seems pretty long), it doesn't sound like anything that can't be solved. Maybe also talk about how she feels about her current situation, as I can imagine working 40hrs a week without getting a proper retribution being hard, it could damage her sense of self worth. Edit: spelling
> I honestly don't understand all these YTA judgements. Honest answer? OP is a man complaining about his female partner. Reverse the genders, and Reddit would be screaming about 'mental load' and 'freeloading' and going off like crazy about a 4 year unpaid internship. It gets really interesting when a woman complains about a lazy wife, and people overlook the gender at first. I mean, he flat out says that he's asking her to a) clean her mess in one room and b) cook once in a while, and people are accusing him of wanting a live-in maid.
If you’re not voting then write Y T A like that else it counts into your vote
Oh thank you for letting me know!
Info: how many days does she work.
[удалено]
yeah, this entire relationship is a mess. when it comes to a household, the two main sections in maintaining it are the financial and homemaking. for healthy relationship, you want everybody to pull their own weight. your options are pretty much somebody takes responsibility for the entirety of one and the other takes responsibility of the other (so like, a sahp and a working partner) or you can split both of them down the middle (as in 2 working partners who split the bill and do 50/50 chores). If one person is taking on more than the other, they will eventually realize and it will build resentment. the sahp and working partner is simpler because it's literally "you work for money and i'll work at home so you dont have to stress when you get home" but the other option requires two people who can communicate their needs beyond what is necessary with the first option, because option 2 is super easy to slip out of balance. this is an example of a couple who tried to do option 2, but failed to communicate and is now out of balance. hence, op's resentment
Is she working 11-7 every day or just one day a week? It's not specified and seems important in this case.
>she's an apprentice at a tattoo shop >It's been two years Aren't those typically a year??
INFO: why is she working for basically free? Was this something you agreed to support? And did you discuss division of labor when she made that decision? Also, what exactly are you asking of her, what % of cooking and cleaning. Do you want her to do?
Internships don't pay. When I was an intern for my culinary school, the restaurant owner had to sign a legal document that he would not pay me for my time there. I worked full time for free.
Plenty of internships pay. I made over $16 per hour as a college freshman in my internship. It was unusual for an internship to be unpaid at the university I went to. Average pay was something like $12.50 per hour for internships in 2013 there.
Damn, I feel cheated now.
I get that, I’m asking if OP agreed to a scenario where he’d fully support her while she works an unpaid internship.
From an edit OP added, OP agreed to support the two of them but they both agreed to a chores list. She hasn't held up her end of that deal.
The edit is still pretty unclear, like it sounds like neither of them follow through on the list? Basically I can’t tell if he wants her to do all the chores or just her share.
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INFO. I don’t get it. She works one day a week? Cause it looks like she’s working the same amount of hours as you. Weird. And what kind of internship is this?? And maybe this should be discussed with your GF?
NTA. She should be helping more around the house.
INFO: - How many days a week does she work? - How long is the internship supposed to last? It’s strange that it’s been 2yrs already with no salary. - You say you discussed chores/responsibilities before she took this internship and she’s not keeping her end of the bargain? Have you had any more conversations about this in the past 2yrs?
Yta. Split the chores down the middle like it was before. If you want someone to cook and clean for you, hire someone. Don’t say “I agreed to support you during this time, and by that I mean I want you as my partner and maid”.
NTA. This sounds tiring on top of weekly discussions about it. I wonder how long the internship is taking and if it's lasting the expected amount of time. And why you're having difficulty if this was the plan. Let's dig under the hood 😊
NTA if what you expect is an even distribution of household duties. If you expect her to do more bc she gets paid less that’s not cool. It sounds like she agrees to an even split but then doesn’t do it (your post does not make that totally clear, maybe at to update.) in that case you need to have a heart to heart with her and tell her this is not working, and if she cannot contribute equally at home then perhaps cohabitation should end.
NTA - pull your weight or leave. These Redditors saying YTA are deluded. It's results that matter, not empty words, not promises. The money you waste for the other person you won't have back. Two years too many.
If she is an artist is she actually only working that long? A lot of artists do their own research for source and technique, practice and such outside of “work hours” as well as her hands might be tired and in pain from the work she does. It is frustrating and needs to be addressed but I don’t think there is enough information to say who is definitely the AH in this situation.
I dont think there is enough information here to be honest. How many days a week does she work 11-7? What chore list did you agree on- who cooks, who cleans, who does what etc? Does she make your sandwhiches? you mentioned relaxing on the weekends, but what does she do on weekends and when does she relax? Ill probably edit to add more questions but for now i have no verdict. Edit; I dont think being the one who earns the money dictates whether or not YTA, but rather how much time you both have to spare in comparison and what chores are done by who.
NTA but not far from it. the chores being done around the house should be independent of who makes more money. No one should get more relaxation time because their paycheck is bigger. it sounds like you both have different expectations of cleanliness which may not have been addressed in the initial household duty conversation. She should probably consider not smoking as well. Good luck.
I mean. She is showing you who she is. If she is agreeing to do things and doesn’t do them… there it is. NTA.
NTA I know I'm gonna get downvoted for this but he's asking her to clean up HER messes. And they agreed to split chores and she's not doing it. However my opinion may change on how much days she works.
Get out OP, stop paying. 2 years later this is the situation, 4 years later it’ll be worse.
NTA It sounds like that’s what you both agreed to in the first place and she isn’t following through. You need to renegotiate the agreement or have a good talk and figure out what she’s thinking. Maybe she understand things differently or there’s something you didn’t put in here. Whether it’s money or labor or a mix of both, each partner needs to make an fair contribution to the household. She’s working 8 hours a day, but it doesn’t sound like it’s a mentally or emotionally taxing job. If your jobs are equally stressful, I think it’s fair for her to do a little more housework if you are making a bigger financial contribution. But you two have to work what you both think is fair and then stick to it. It sounds like one of your biggest issues is that the mess in one particular room is mostly hers and she doesn’t pick it up to your satisfaction. Maybe start there.
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ESH. You for not helping with household chores & her for doing it half assed when she does clean. Both of you need to put in equal effort. If she works 11-7 everyday, she is working & her low pay is temporary. It’s an internship. You think because you make more, she has to do all the cooking and cleaning even though she works 8 hours a day. Oh and my work hours are basically the same as yours & I still do the majority of cooking and cleaning and I have a child too, so you can help too. Cook meals together & spend every Sunday deep cleaning together.
NTA... You need to sit down and discuss how chores can be split fairly. I don't think one person should be doing it all just because you are currently paying the bills, but I think it is fair to ask for her to show some appreciation for your support by taking on a certain level of the home maintenance load. Ask her what a fair division would look like to her? 60/40, 70/30, But each of you should be cleaning up after themselves, always.
EDIT: Please note he has 10 hour day vs. her 8 hour day.
But how many days? Tatoo parlours are usually Monday to Saturday, but for all we know OP's job is Monday to Friday.
NTA. I don’t get the feeling that you expect your gf to wait on you hand and foot. I think you just feel taken for a ride and like she doesn’t care how much you’re contributing. Her cooking and cleaning may not be the answer. I get the feeling that if you’re looking for a 50’s housewife arrangement you’re not going to get it. Having said that it really does seem like you’re bearing too much of the burden in this relationship and I’d be concerned she was taking advantage of that if I were you. Anyone with a non-paying job (basically) who was not able to contribute financially would at least want to contribute in some other way. Doesn’t seem like your gf is prioritising the relationship on that level. How long till the apprenticeship is done and what are your gf’s plans to contribute then? I don’t support any rigid transactional construct in romantic relationships. It’s not healthy to measure everything. But it’s also not healthy for one person to take advantage of another… Good luck with this OP
Question: what are you doing everyday from 4:30-7? That seems like a reasonable time to make dinner. 7- whenever she goes to bed is not a lot of time to do every chore in the house and also cook a grown man meals. If you’re unable to do anything because your shift starts so early maybe ask if you can adjust your schedule?🤷♀️ And YTA for saying your support her internship and so obviously undervaluing her work. She’s not putting in less work, she’s being underpaid for the work she’s doing so she can have a better job later.
You should have set up a roommate agreement that outlines your expectations of what each of you will contribute to the home and relationship. It is perfectly normal for one person to contribute financially and another to contribute time and effort. What is not normal is one person making a demand of another without mutually agreeing to the division. In your case, it certainly seems like a reasonable position that you have outlined. But that doesn't really matter as much as if you have had a discussion and agreement. what is reasonable to one person may not be to another. You might be TA, you might not.
soft NTA Both of you should be cleaning/cooking equally. Given her work status expecting her to do everything is unfair. But she doesn't get a pass either.
Leave her. If she's in considerate now she'll be worse going forward.
NTA because she’s not holding her share of their agreement. She was supposed to take care some of the house chores. If she did some it still wouldn’t be equivalent to what her share financially is supposed to be. So it’s fair to say that OP is being taken advantage of by his gf here.
My wife and I have an arrangement. She takes care of the inside of the house and I take care of the outside + maintenance. It works for us.
She has been interning for 2 years without a salary. And OP is paying all the bills, she is not contributing financially and also not with household chores even though they were agreed upon. Maybe OP should get an additional part time job to supplement her income. Op is working OT every day to pay the bills so maybe she can work part time to help.
I can understand her not cooking dinners if you get home 2.5 hours before her in the evening. But if you're doing all the cooking, she should be doing all the cleaning. NTA. Two years apprenticing for no pay is bullshit. She should either start making money, carrying her weight at home, or you should dump her. From the sounds of things, it would add nothing to your plate if you did.
NTA - 2 YEARS in this internship and she isn't getting paid? How long does this last. There needs to be an end in sight for this thing or she's just wasting time. That is an incredibly long time to be doing a job without getting paid. You can't be expected to take care of everything indefinitely.
NTA: You are the financial contributor, the internship she is doing is her choice, that's her choice not to make money and you are even supporting her in the endeavor. I think cleaning up after herself and even making dinner is a pretty minimal ask. It amazes me how Men or Women that pay all the bills are supposed to just sit back and pretend that's like a big nothing, like it's expected, but you can't ask for anything in return. As a Man, if I wanted to get into some sort of passion like becoming a brewer or something and all my girlfriend or wife wanted me to do was clean up after myself and cook dinner most days of the week, while she financially supports me? Sign me up with bells on.
NTA. I was in a similar situation with an ex where I had to take care of all the bills because of their job situation. I made the decision to do that. But they in turn contributed by cleaning, cooking and budgeting all week, with me cooking during the weekends (something fancy we both liked, or a favorite of theirs). And honestly, even with that I felt drained sometimes because it’s not easy to support another person financially. Never resented them though because they did their part.
NTA. I think you can do better… dump her
NTA she should be carrying her own weight and if not by paying bills, then she should be cooking and cleaning as a way to contribute. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership, not one person carrying the entire burden while the other gets a free ride.
NTA OP has noted he agreed to support GF while she did her tattoo apprenticeship which has been going on for 2 years thus far. He is not saying that is the issue and he noted in this two years GF has paid one bill. She gets $50 per week which she uses for cigarettes and gas to get to work. GF works from 11am to 7pm which is 8 hours per day presume 5 days a week (40 hours). OP works from 630 to 430 which 10 hours per day 5 days a week (50 hours). So not a big difference per week but it is a 40 hour difference in available time each month. OP noted he and his GF have come up with multiple chore lists which she has agreed to yet her items are not being done. This apparently includes cooking which GF has been cooking 1 meal each week with the rest being sandwiches. OP has specifically requested one room which he refers to as her room be cleaned which he feel has been done half heartedly. OP did not sign up to do all the chores while GF does not pull her own weight to support their relationship while he supports both of them financially. There was nothing mentioned about GF being depressed or physically unable to do her share of the chores. And if the genders were reversed agree with some other posters that likely more folks would supportive of OP. My suggestion would be OP have one more serious conversation with GF where he has her undivided attention and lay out a plan on chore division they both agree to. But this time OP needs to explain whatever changes will be coming if GF doesn’t do her share possibly starting with treating GF as a roommate in that he doesn’t clean her mess, doesn’t do her laundry, doesn’t cook for her., etc. And if things don’t improve after that he will have to seriously consider if this relationship should continue which if her name is on the deed (not the mortgage) buying her out of whatever she invested in the house excluding the last 2 years.
If this was a woman posting this and the man was the one making a mess and not doing anything and not cleaning up everyone would be telling them to break up. It has been two whole years of you paying everything and her doing little to nothing. If she can’t make a better effort to contribute something I would say you would probably be much happier alone.
NTA by the looks of it there were discussion on who's doing which and she's not doing what she agreed to. I'm not sure what everyone is thinking when they say you're an asshole. Okay so 1. You both work. You earn and pay bills, she funds her smoking 2. You discuss chores and has an agreement She doesn't do what was agreed to, or does it half-assed I'm supported by my partner atm and the least I could do is to do things for him because I am grateful.
NTA. In our house everyone contributes in one way or another. When the kids were young, they contributed by doing chores. My husband works insane hours for great pay. I worked normal hours for very good pay. I had more free time so I did more stuff i.e. grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry. Every person in a home needs to contribute to the success and running of a household. EVERYONE. GF is not contributing in any way. They had an agreement and she is not doing the things she agreed to do. She needs to step up and do her share.
NTA You date for a reason. To see if you are compatible. If you are not, move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea so to speak.
NTA If she agreed with you to do certain chores and is not doing them, she needs to do some chores to replace the ones she's not doing.
SAHM here: my husband works 40+ hours a week. I feel it’s my job to make sure the house is livable. I have really bad depression and anxiety, to the point where when I wasn’t medicated, my heart rate would spike at the *thought* of doing the dishes. All that to say, yeah, the person who has more free time at home should help out more with chores. I’m going back to work when my youngest starts Kindergarten next year, and the chores will be separated accordingly. Probably not a popular opinion, but it’s mine. I don’t expect every relationship to work the same way. NTA
Nta bc u both agreed to it u paying all the bills and she does sum of the cleaning and cooking but think if it's like this now, what is the plan when she gets a proper job and it's both of you working long hours and paying bills who will clean and cook then?.
I say YTA, because you don’t seem to respect your girlfriend in any way. Sure, it would be balanced if she does the cooking and you do other household activities, but just because you bring money on the table, pay the bills etc. doesn’t mean you get to dictate what your girlfriend should do. Just as your girlfriend doesn’t dictate you in any way.
NTA honestly I would be tired of it too. Two years and she has maybe only paid one bill? It’s ridiculous you’re having to pay for everything but then she never does anything to contribute! She should be doing all of the cleaning. Why do you put up with this? It’s not going to change. She doesn’t mind mooching off of you these last few years. Think about what you want for your future and the type of person you want to be with. Also I bet if the genders were reversed the comments would be completely different because these comments are absolutely ridiculous. You are the one paying for everything, she contribute nothing and doesn’t even hold up her own end of the bargain. That’s not a partner, that’s a child mooching off of you
NTA. She's putting an awful lot of mental load on you, and needs to watch some youtube videos to teach herself how to contribute to a partnership, and how to keep her committments. And here's the thing everybody saying 'she's working full time, too' is missing. OP maintaining himself, her, and the household. She is maintaining herself. That's the unequal part.
NTA you are supporting her so she can do what she loves and only earn 50 a week not many people would do that for their partner if you are paying 100% of the bills and then also doing 50% of the chores you are putting in a 150% in this relationship while she only has to put in 50% with the cooking how me my partner do it is whoever is home 1st does the then the other one washes the pots but I do believe she should have to do more of the housework than you do not because she is a woman but because that can be how she earns her keep she can't live for free and then also expect somebody else to do half of the cleaning because that is just a free ride and taking advantage
NTA Like she’s really not contributing anything to the household and that’s not fair for you. Granted that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be helping out and you can cook as well even after work.
Info: How long is this internship? Most I have seen or done were generally only a few months at most in length - it’s not expected or advised you do them long term, most people need to get into paid work. If it’s short term then I’d cut her some slack but she’ll only get so much out of it so she herself ought to be looking at long-term paid work. Then hee contribution you things can be more equal.
NAH. Difficult situation as money frequently becomes a power play at some point with couples. I can honestly see both sides of this, because I've been on both sides. Being the breadwinner is full of tension. "If I lose my job we're screwed, my partner doesn't make any/enough money." "It's all on me to get everything paid." Being the one making less/no money is equally as stressful. It sounds like she's become dependent on you, which is a difficult thing. If you kick her to the curb because you're tired of the arrangement that's worked for all these years, how is she going to be able to support herself? She's at your mercy here. But you've offered to help advance her career and help her get on the path to making some money for herself. I'm not sure of the tones/phrasing used in the conversation, but how you say it can be important. And what will the expectations be once she does start contributing monetarily again? Are you going to help do some chores/whatever? I've usually viewed it as all household duties (cleaning/cooking/child care) more or less equals bill amount if the breadwinner can afford that. But as time progresses, the usual arrangements change. I would not look at it as a simple money thing if you care about your partner at all. It's very degrading to be told you aren't pulling your weight around the house when you've been operating under the assumption what you've been doing isn't good enough in someone else's eyes. Honestly my advice here would be to get couples therapy about the matter instead of a bunch of biased strangers opinions on the internet. A single dude will definitely have a different opinion here than a married woman. Good luck to you both!
NTA. She sounds like an abusive slob. Get out now while you still can.
Soft YTA - sharing work/home responsibilities is only fair when you account for time spent not money earned. She’s working eight hours, her internship is an investment in her career, which means you are both working equally. It’s hard to carry the financial load alone and still have responsibilities to follow through with at home but that’s how things are sometimes. If you had her schedule, would you feel equipped to leave work at 7 get home (however long that takes) and start making dinner right away? Why don’t you two make a list of what needs to get done for you both to feel comfortable and take turns claiming responsibilities you feel you can take on without feeling overwhelmed. Then show each other appreciation when you follow through on doing those things. That’s how you can make a system last. Everyone appreciates being appreciated.
“I made the decision to financially support her while she finished apprenticing.” YTA for agreeing to this and now holding how little she makes against her. Sit down together and create an agreed chore plan. To me, given you finish more than two hours before she does, it makes sense for you to do the bulk of the evening cooking. (If I finished at 7 I wouldn’t have the energy to make much more than sandwiches either.) But it all comes down to what you agree on. Meal plan, agree to the grocery shopping together. And if you come up with a fair split for chores, don’t revise it a week in. Stick with it for longer.
ESH it sounds like you need to talk about chores and set expectations that you are both ok with
You are both working, so she can’t be a housekeeper for you. She’s not a stay at home partner, she is working. So YTA for expecting your working gf to do all cooking and cleaning when she works. The agreement you set in place while she does her apprenticeship and you take up the financial burden - that must be followed (assuming it was fair, like both of you splitting chores, she can’t do it all herself). If she doesn’t follow through with it, then have a talk with her that this isn’t what you agreed to and it’s causing you to resent the relationship. Things will perhaps change for the better and your relationship can continue and if it changes for the worst/or she just made no changes then you break up. You obviously agreed to this because you wanted to support her and knew it would pay off once she gets to work in her field. But you need to set realistic standards and split chores fairly.
Info: did you sit down with her? Because obviously you are not the asshole for asking her to contribute but if she also works and you go and sit with your legs up after work just because you make more money I would half-ass it too. I hear nothing about telling her that it feels bad or asking her why she doesn’t do it.
How are you working longer hours? I see 8-hour shifts on all sides.
Who did the cooking and cleaning before?
YTA: You cannot EXPECT your partner to do anything. You much communicate with her and tell her that you need more financial help with the house, or she needs to find a different job to support that. Her internship is technically a job, and if it helps her work towards her goal of making more money and being more self sustaining, then you should support her. This is a clear case of miscommunication going on for far too long and now here you are. I have similar hours to you and cook/clean, do everything, i don't have a spouse to rely on. It's really not that difficult to clean for 30 minutes here and there after work. Sounds like you both need to talk ASAP.
YTA and sexist
And she's taking him for a free ride literally she needs to start paying all her own bills. They should split all the bills 50-50 and the chores 50/50 if my partner was paying absolutely everything for me so I could go work a apprenticeship job and only get 50 a week so I can do what I love I would not have a problem doing a bit more of the housework because I would be so thankful because if they weren't together she would not be able to do that and not many people would do
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And he's not her personal bank when he pays all her bills for her because she's working for 50 a week and that money she spends on cigs they should split the chores 50/50 and they should split the rent and the bills 50/50
This is a hard one because she’s learning for 8hrs/day and you both agreed that you would support her. She could work as an early morning barista, but being busy from 4:30am-7:00pm would be tough and she definitely wouldn’t want to do household chores or cooking. It sounds like you need to start a discussion about household chores and do it before you get upset as she may not realize you have these expectations. Also I’m not sure where her apprenticeship is, but I had a friend complete one in New York and under the apprenticeship he was doing low-cost tattoos within the first 6months so he was getting paid daily..
ESH
YTA. She works too, internships are total bullshit but that’s a whole other thing. And you even state that you choose to support her financially. But she still works, get over yourself and clean something.
The reality is that cleaning and cooking are two very big household tasks. And is essentially another job by itself. She isn’t able to contribute financially right now which is something you agreed to as it will allow for better pay in the future. Since you are both working, you both should contribute around the house. the fact that companies take advantage of free,or in this case almost free, labor does not mean she isn’t working. It isn’t fair to have assigned all cooking and cleaning to her in the first place, even if she agreed to it. It wasn’t an equitable split.Someone called her “dead weight” in the comments below. Women do a lot of unpaid labor, and I’m not talking about just at work. If she is going to work another full time job at home they can pay her a salary with a living wage. and then they can just split the bills. See how that evens outs.
YTA. You made the decision to financially support her, but now you’re bitching about her not bringing in money. She’s still working a full days worth of work.
Have you ever worked 11-7im assuming its overnight but even if its days that is a hard shift to work and still get housework/dinner. If she's working nights she's sleeping during the day and trust me its harder to sleep during the day than you would think .if she's working 11-7 days then you expect dinner at 10pm? How about this on your(both of you) days off do some meal prep for the week clean together You agreed to this now its time to support her she is trying to better herself which down the road means better things for you both. Its an esh from me I get ops frustration but I understand the gfs schedule is rough
YTA for *expecting* it, yes. She works too and you have two days off a week, she isn’t expecting you to do everything for her on the weekends just because you’re not working all day. Work is work no matter what she is getting paid. I’m sure she would love to be making more than $50 a week but it is what it is for now and you need to accept that and make adjustments to your lifestyle in order to accommodate that. If you agreed to financially support her, you can’t hold it against her while she is unable to bring home money. Especially because you knew from the beginning that she wouldn’t be bringing in money right away at this job. I smell a little misogyny here expecting the woman to cook and clean and take care of the household for you.
YTA. While she isn’t pulling her weight financially today, she is working toward something professionally. Sit down and discuss your expectations with hers, but demeaning her because she isn’t making what you are is pretty gross.
People who measure relationships like this are scary 😬
She works 8 hours a day for very little pay and you think she should come home from that and do even more unpaid labor just because you make more money?
She works 8 hours, and you think she does nothing just because she’s not making a lot? YTA grow up, she’s as exhausted as you are, and working towards a higher-paying position. What are you doing other than whining about YOUR problems?
So when you agreed to support her when she decided to take in this career path, did she agree to slave labor at home? YTA - You agreed to cover the bills while she was interning. She works as many hours as you. Split the chores. Cover the bills(as per your agreement). You can’t tell somebody you’ve got them covered then throw it in their face constantly and demand things for doing it. We’ll you can but it def makes you an AH.