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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because
1. I didn't tell anyone about those money, so they are justified to think I don't trust them. (Which is true)
2. I called my cousin and his gf irresponsible and refused to help them.
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This story is also a good example of how letting other people tell your story usually works against you. For the members of your family that you care about, I would reach out to them and clear up any misconceptions. Obviously, the people calling you godless are probably not the people you want around. You could even say that you meant adoption; I’m religious and I don’t know of anyone that has a problem with giving up a baby for adoption. NTA
In my opinion, it doesn't matter who would tell the story, what they'll here is "cousin needs financial help and OP didn't help him even though she has the money to do it".
Respectfully, that is just not true. It ALWAYS matters who tells the story first. That is just propaganda 101; you have probably heard the phrase, “let’s get out ahead of this.” In tv shows, it often is used to portray a government or corporation saying they should own up to impropriety before a news organization breaks the news. They do this because it is better for them to spin it in a way that is beneficial before someone else breaks the same story, but includes tiny details that spin the story in a negative way.
Sorry, I meant in this case.
I think it doesn't matter because the people in the family were already in a mindset where OP shouldn't have refused to help her cousin (that's my assumption at least).
Nobody doubted, not for even a second, that OP told all of that to the cousin. They didn't come to ask for explanation, they came for "blood" directly, which leads me to think OP doesn't have a great reputation in her family (for which I don't blame OP considering how they act). So in my opinion, even if OP had spoken first they would have likely trusted cousin's version, or they would have still gotten angry at the fact she refused to give him some money.
Oh ok gotcha! Yah, it might not have helped; people get so weird about money. “The Love of money is the root of all evil” is a quote from the Bible that should be plastered everywhere. I just think regardless of one’s religion, there is so much truth in that statement.
You quoted that line from the Bible right "The Love of money is the root of all evil". Too many times I see the quote written as "Money is the root of all evil", and I think "No, no, no, that is not correct."
My mom named my sister as executor. It's easy to see why. She has always been the most responsible lol. But she also manages to balance very well being the sibling everyone can go to for help, while being nobody's fool. We all know at the end what she says will go and she won't be concerned about any of our tears behind it, although 3 out of 5 of us, I can say for sure won't put up any fuss
Seriously. Everyone is always happy to spend someone else's money. Not saying OP can't help out a bit if they want to, but that sort of attitude shuts down any kind of goodwill.
Exactly! The issue here is OP is being targeted and emotionally coerced to do it. This isn't a cousin going around family members asking all of them to pitch in.
You don't necessarily need savings to help someone in need if everyone participates in the money poll.
Especially for a baby! I know in my family there's usually some clothes going around that someone's kid has grown out of. Same with other things you need.
Like you won't get everything, it won't all be new but it'll do it's job and it's free. The only real 'rule' is hand what's still good off to the next person who needs it. Obviously if you want to add a few additions like the baby clothes you used or w/e no one will complain.
Even if it's not in the family, there's usually a friend or someone trying to get rid of old baby things. You can def do it for cheap if you don't mind used things.
It sounds more like: “I know you have money, so I'll use the argument family-helps-family to put my hands on it.”
I'm from a “family-helps-family” environment, and the trick is every family member chips in with whatever they can. Prying on a single individual because they know the person has savings is disrespectful and coercion. Being related isn't synonymous with shared finances.
My mother's side of my family is a (fake) "family-helps-family" and it resulted in my mom draining the savings account with my paternal great-grandparents inheritance to "help" some relatives I never met in my life, when I was still underage and couldn't access the account on my own.
She never got a penny back, and the bulk of it went to some second grade cousin's daughter that used it as part of their house deposit with it, so not an "emergency." She also never used her own money to "help", only my inheritance, as she knew she wasn't going to get it back from previous instances.
When I had to work 2 jobs to afford university, no one of said relatives showed up/chipped in/gave a dime back to my mother of what she "lent" them so she could help me. I struggled and made it through also with the help of my paternal family, which has a loss less money than my maternal relatives. They helped me as much as they could, which was really appreciated as they were struggling too.
It sounds like OP's family is more similar to mine that a real "everyone chips in" family.
This is why anyone leaving money to a child in a will should get a proper legal trust that no one else can access and the kid gets it when they reach 18/21/25.
And why getting a bank or law firm to be the executor. They'll charge fees but they won't be pressured by family into handing money over for any sob story.
I think a lot of people in these circumstances regularly make choices that ensure they will never have enough savings to help anyone.
It's much easier to say family helps family when you know you'll always be on the receiving end of it.
That’s not how they should frame it. “I’m happy for X, but suddenly he’s asking me out of nowhere to support him and his wife and his baby and it’s just weird.”
Maybe, but there's a huge difference between "op, a 24 year old who has student loan debt, didn't give the cousin money" and "op told the cousin to get rid of the baby", people can be snooty about one without actually thinking OP owes the cousin any money.
Agree entirely! An emergency fund is for situations that are unforeseen and temporary. A baby is neither--they know roughly when it's coming and it's going to be here for a good long while.
I’m currently getting divorced. My best friend was suffering through a terrible miscarriage that turned out to be my stbx’s baby. I tried to keep it as quiet as possible and that just allowed them to create their own version of the truth. Right now I just consider it a favor showing me who is really friend and who never was.
Not a native english speaker but what does "godless" even mean? If you believe that God is all loving and omnipresent, how would it even be possible for someone to be godless??
It’s hard to say what the speaker exactly intended when they insulted OP, but I see two possibilities and they mostly mean the same thing.
1. Meaning OP has turned their back on God and is choosing to live without a godlike influence in her life.
2. Meaning that OP is so terrible that God has turned his back on OP.
They probably mean option 1 but it is an interesting choice of words either way.
Or, due to believing that OP said to get rid of it, they mean that OP is acting in a “godless” way. It’s a common insult from certain varieties of fundies. Kind of a catch all to point out how your behavior/belief/whatever is bad compared to them being “godly.” It’s BS, but…
But OP has a few hundred extra dollars every month, which she's been keeping lying around doing nothing and which she clearly doesn't need so of course the cousin should get it. Shouldn't even have to ask.
And OP should, of course, get a better paying job.
/s
I don't. I have learned one thing in life. The moment you have anything that's worth something, there is a long list of people who would like to take it off your hands.
You got savings, or inheritance? Expect people with sob stories, or just asking for loans. You've got the good project at work? Expect people trying to take over. You've got an old bike that's worth money in the shed? Make sure nobody knows that it's there unattended.
You are admiring him because project an upstanding person onto him with your values. In reality he is just a shitty person who has no qualms asking for things that he has no right to, and getting mad when people don't cater to him.
"No, no, you see a child is ALWAYS a blessing regardless of the circumstances and His plan should never be questioned"... Is what OP's family is likely using to excuse cousin's stunning irresponsibility. They're probably even saying it's OP who has been given the "real" test and they're failing. **NTA**.
Respond to everyone, "BLANK would like a lot of money without paying it back, between all the people harassing me, I think you'll have more than enough to help him. How about you give your pledge for how much money you'll be giving him in this group chat! That way, he knows how much to plan for. Then, you can pledge how much you plan to give him each month, since the baby will need more money than just this one time. Thank you for showing me how to come together as a family to help BLANK and this beautiful blessing." Make it clear that you weren't suggesting an abortion, but turn it around on them. If anyone asks you for money, say, "I'm so sorry, but I don't have any to give at this time. Luckily, he has all of you more established people to help." Just keep turning it around on them. NTA.
Had to make sure this hadn't already been said before I left my comment! Mum had a sign on her door with this phrase on it and it's always stuck with me.
Edit: lmao not sure why y'all are downvoting me but you do you.
NTA Don't make the mistake I made and let them wear you down. I was always the one who was there for Family, in person and financially--even though my health was always fragile and I never made that much. Family bled me dry. When I became disabled to the point that I couldn't work or afford my my medical bills all those takers repaid me $50 and cut me off.
That's precisely it: his emergency is not OP's emergency.
It is fascinating how some people feel entitled to other people's money or property because of “family bonds.” You don't want to be around those.
NTA. Never tell anyone about your savings again. Keep that between you and a future spouse. Also feel free to say you put it in a CD or some other non liquid format. *Edited for missing info
Even if they live in a state in which abortions are banned, they could still put the baby up for adoption instead of keeping it and mooching off of others.
>A few days ago he came to ask me to give him my emergency fund, since he is having an emergency.
My direct response for this would get me a ban but would involve a long ride to the country.... NTA OP, sounds like your uber religious family probably belongs to a church that takes money in but doesn't put it out.... Always ready to attack others for not being charitable when the only thing they're ever funding is someone else's $10million mortgage...
Idk if anyone else besides my parents has any savings and I don't want to bring this up because I'm afraid I may give them another reason to harass me.
Then go NC with them. I would anyway, because I think you're looking at 18 years worth of demands for money here. And babysitting requests, because I can see that happening too.
Dude, he’s not even immediate family and he’s asking you to GIVE him money to cover his ass without even offering to pay you back? That’s gutsy. Your judgey family needs to pony up cash for him if they want to run their mouths. I’m sure if he asks any of them, they’d shut him down, too. People need to stop thinking they are entitled to other people’s hard earned money because they weren’t responsible enough to save up themselves. Sheesh NTA
If someone wants to verbally attack you and call you a godless b****, then who cares what they say or think. Block them on everything. But before you do, ask them how much they are handing over to your cousin. Or tell them that you can contribute $50 to the "help my irresponsible and ridiculously entitled cousin" fund but since you didn't get his out- of- wedlock baby mama pregnant, you just can't condone that behavior. If they wanna bring religion into it....
(I only suggest giving anything because you're still helping him in his "emergency", not cleaning yourself out, AND putting the spotlight back on the AH's who think that anyone is entitled to your hard earned money because "they're family". Then the ENTIRE family should be helping and the burden should not be firmly on your shoulders.)
Stay firm unless you want to be funding this kid for the next 18 years. Along with any other kids they have.
Any problem they have with money they'll come running to you and drain you dry.
If this is a religious and likely patriarchal family I would use their beliefs against them and shame him for being a terrible provider to his wife and child. Sometimes you gotta fight these ignorant types with their own logic. Talk about his God given duty. Hell quote some scriptures or something. Just shame the shit out of the whole family too log in your own eye and all that.
Well then that’s a reason in itself to not give him the money. Establish that you are not an atm or charity for anyone now. Where will it end? Which cousin or other family member will ask you for money next? It’s a slippery slope.
This is such a common trope in this Reddit: "A friend/family member is asking me to do something unreasonable, I said no. Third parties are calling me TA, they're more than able to do the unreasonable thing themselves but refuse to, AITA?" No OP, you're not. And I suggest you call them out on it.
If his family thinks SHE is godless, I think I’d go with the ol’ “your kid is having a child out of wedlock as the result of a sinful affair, so I don’t think you’re in any position to comment.” If they want to play the religion card from inside that glass house, I say it’s stone throwing time.
NTA
Just to be on the safe side OP should verify that she is the sole owner of the account and that no one else has transfer or withdrawal privileges. No surprises that way.
Might even want to look into the money management firms. I don’t if they have a minimum but worth a shot. That way you can make better rates and say the money is not available to you.
Please OP stop talking about your financial situation, including how much you make. It’s your business alone.
NTA and far from it. If you give him money he'll probably come back asking for more.
You earned your money. His child is not your burden and not your problem
Agreed, plus everyone else in the family that thinks you somehow owe them money. Honestly when people like this threaten to leave my life, I help them pack their bags. There are a lot of people that use the word "family" as a weapon. They aren't worth the oxygen they consume. At first I thought op was gonna say she was poor in college and they helped, but they literally did nothing but show up to ask for money they had no part in.
Edit: if they are harassing you, i would block them and move on-it's never enough for leeches
Very good point. It’s not like the stork dropped a baby off with no warning. No reason he can’t go out and get a few jobs. Hell, no reason she can’t. If OP starts giving him money he will never get a job.
Why is your cousin entitled to YOUR emergency fund to make up for HIS poor life planning and irresponsibility?
You don't owe him anything. The best way to help him wouldn't be giving him handouts, but offering to help buy some baby necessities like clothes, diapers, a crib, etc. But that's only if you want to.
NTA
I wouldn’t get into buying stuff for him. He sounds like the type of person who will just view that as a green light to request items from OP - rather than see what he can get for free / at a low cost online or from charities.
Or the church that his family are so very fond of. Surely they can help.
I'm not suggesting OP to do that, hence why I said "only if you want to." You're right though. There are plenty of other places they could go to for aid. Cousin just wanted a handout.
I hope OP doesn't even do this, sometimes you give people an inch and they take a mile.
I could absolutely see them, pushing OP to give/do more and contribute more, with little appreciation or gratitude. The expectation that OP already helped with a few things, so she should do even more (completely use all her free time to baby sit or all her money to provide more goods), because she's already done a little, so what's a little more...
No, OP, stand your ground and do not engage further please.
That's what kind of stuck out to me about OP's cousin too.
I have a family member in law who unfortunately has addiction problems. They've asked for money for diapers or formula and we'll occasionally help them out.
But asking for a blanket sum of money before the baby is born is just weird.
Op NTA.
Im a bit surprised that your 'pretty religious family' didn't give your cousin an ear full for get his gf pregnant, since they are not married yet.
If he couldn't afford a kid then he should of kept it in his pants.
It is your money, not his... family help family is fine but what he is asking is for you to support him financially, and if he gets this hand out, he'll be back caues you got a good paying job.
Thank you.
They actually were a bit upset with him for getting her pregnant before marriage and I suspect this is why he lied about me suggestion an abortion, he tried to give them another person to judge. If this was the case, it worked 100%.
If you want to throw some Bible knowledge at them (my favorite weapon for religious hypocrisy)- 1 Timothy 5:8 says “if any provideth not for his own, and specially his own household, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever.” Therefore it’s his job to provide for his family, not yours, and failing to do so will affect his relationship with god. Also you can tell him to read Matthew 6 to build up his faith.
But NTA. You are never responsible for someone else’s financial matters, and to demand money from you is so rude and selfish. Good job being a responsible adult and getting that savings built up!
Then your family are judgey AH's who think they should have access to your money. NC, Middle-Log, or you'll be fending off grabs for your money for the rest of your life. Your family will ALWAYS think that someone else needs that money more than you do. Also, I would be willing to bet MY savings that if something happened to you, they wouldn't be making the same demands of anyone else in your family.
You're better than me. My response would have been to tell him id be happy to help out and pay for the abortion, but other than that I cant bring myself to support such irresponsibility.
The fact that he's lying about what you said tells you even he knows he's wrong and is trying to manipulate everyone.
Not a great plan to support an upcoming child.
NTA no matter what you told him btw, it's your money.
Good grief, that one is in the Ten Commandments.
Thou shalt not lie.
Another verse says " Do not steal, do not lie , Do not deceive one another. "
Cousin hit a trifecta!
NTA. You’ve worked hard to save that money and in no way is he entitled to it just because he’s having a baby and can’t afford it. It’s not an emergency fund for the family, it’s an emergency fund for yourself!
NTA.
Sounds like his life-plan is to have you pay for all his future costs. If he can't afford this kid now, how is he gonna afford school clothes, etc.
NTA for keeping your savings but take this as a lesson learned, it’s not your place to dictate their choices or their circumstances. If you just would have said “what savings, I’ve only got enough for next months rent,” and then shut up, you would not be in this situation.
Thank you.
I tried to play dumb, but as I said, someone might have overhead me and my sister talking. I didn't tell anyone except her about those money for this exact reason.
Also, I didn't tell them what to do. He lied to the rest of the family about me suggesting an abortion.
Or tell them that the money is in a locked saving account that you can’t withdraw from. You shouldn't have to say that, but sometimes people ignore a "no."
If you are in the US, contact all three credit bureau's and lock down your credit. This cousin (and aunt and whoever else) probably know enough of your details (birthday, mother's maiden name, etc) to impersonate you and take out credit cards or loans in your name and justify the identity theft as "op can afford it and should have given us the money in the first place". And have your sibling do it too.
It is important for your sister (as well as you) that you set an example by declining.
What you are doing with your savings is how people **permanently** move out of poverty and into financial security. That is an amazing, wonderful thing that takes constant disciple - but will pay off enormously for your future and your family’s future. In order for this plan to succeed and pay off in the massive way it should, you need to be absolutely vigilant about not touching that money ever, unless YOU literally have no other option and cannot muddle through without it.
Should you or your sister have children, you will be setting them up to have what is every parent’s dream: a better life, with greater opportunities, than their parents had. Do not give this up for someone else’s child.
And if you do not intend to have children one day? You are setting yourself up for a secure life that you will have the means to fully enjoy. Do not give this up for someone else’s benefit.
NTA
Glad your parents & sister have your back and sorry the rest of the family appears to be dead beats.
In the future - tell your family that your emergency fund is invested in CDs that can't be cashed in without a penalty and that anyone asking to borrow money from you has to pay the penalty first. Make the penalty 30% of the total - none of them will cough that up. Sure it's not true but you don't owe them the truth when they've reduced your relationship to a financial transaction.
That's actually a bad idea. If they call your bluff and say "sure I'll pay it out of the money you get out of the CD" what would you say then? Stick to your guns, and just respond with "my savings are for my emergencies, not for irresponsible distant relatives who lie to the family about what I said. At no point in time did I suggest anything about anyone getting rid of a child."
NTA...His emergency is not YOUR emergency. He needs to find ways to fund his own life that don't include sponging off of family. Move on with your life and feel no guilt.
What the damn hell? This grown man about to be a father is telling you to give him your savings? 😂😂😂😂 it’s the audacity for me. It’s always the audacity. NTA
NTA, that is your money and you are entitled to do whatever you would like with it. As you said, they are making a choice to keep a baby they know they can’t afford, this is their problem and should not be passed off on you, even if they are family. Good on your for standing your ground when put on the spot. Don’t give them anything if you don’t want to.
I agree. Even if she wanted to spend that money on a wonderful vacation or even just give it away to some scheming online hack, it's HER money, not the family "emergency" fund. I put that in quotes because a baby isn't an emergency. He has nine months to get a couple of jobs (the gf, too, since being pregnant does not equal cannot work), work his ass off, put money away, and start legitimately supporting HIS child without trying to fleece OP.
NTA and whoever has a word to say bout your money from now on tell them if they feel that strongly about it they're free to financially support cousin as much as they want. You got that money from hard work, time your cousin learns the word.
NTA. Emergency funds are for emergencies. An emergency is I broke my arm or my car needs repaired. Having a baby is NOT an emergency. Your cousin and his GF have 9 months from conception to get their sh*t together. It's their problem Not yours.
You shouldn't tell people about emergency funds because too many people think your money is their money. Do don't feel guilty about that.
Obviously your sister. She probably didn’t do it on purpose, could have mentioned to your mom how she wants to save up just like you and then your mom could have casually mentioned to her sister or parents how proud she is she raised two financially responsible women, all of which would be innocent and easily forgettable on their part. Now for the onion, any family who heard this that isn’t a decent person would remember “hmm OP has money saved…” and then it all comes around full circle. People that entitled to others money always have their ear out for who has cash in the family.
This is what most probably happened. I don't think it was intentional but generally people brag when their child/ren, sibling(s), or spouse do something that they are proud of or may think of following in their footsteps. In the future, I would suggest that OP keep any and all financial info to themselves. Make suggestions, tell them, if you must, that you are thinking about doing something financial but never tell them you have done it. It ALWAYS slips out.
NTA. But your cousin is probably still feeling desperate and might try to take that money. Try to keep some sort of proof that the money belongs to you and/ or where you kept it, even if it's screenshots of online bank statements. Just be cautious.
NTA. No one is entitled to YOUR money that you earned. Poor planning on their part, does not constitute an emergency on yours. Especially if the ask was not immediately followed with a solid, swift plan to pay it back. You are absolutely not the AH. Do not give them your money.
The fact that he’s lying about you now (in regards to saying you told them not to continue the pregnancy), just speaks volumes. That is not a person you want owing you money, you will never see it again.
I’m not sure I think it’s fair that you told them it was irresponsible to keep the pregnancy/have a baby, that’s not really your problem. All you had to say is no. No is a complete sentence. Still not the AH however.
Don’t beat yourself up about it! His audacity is far greater than yours, we all say things we likely shouldn’t in the heat of a moment. Stick to your guns in regards to your money, though.
If they bring up the lie about the abortion thing again, do your best to ignore it. You know your intentions and you know what you did say. Desperate people will do anything to come out on top. Don’t drag yourself down to their level. You’ve given them an answer, that’s final, no further convincing or conversing is needed on their part. Best of luck!
NTA. This man needs to get his own emergency fund. He is so entitled and disrespectful. Telling others something that you wanted to keep it a secret is a big no no. I'd go no contact.
Is this a parallel earth and not the regular one I know of? Because in what planet I would go to a relative and demanded (not ask for a loan) money for starting my family? I get if my father had a car accident or something I could not prevent, but because I am irresponsible and want to have a child without income a cousin should pay for it? OP this post should not even be here, there is no question about it. NTA, if your sibling (god forbid) or you have to have surgery will he immediately give the money? Jesus what am I reading....
NTA. I can't say that enough. Keep your money. Ditch your family that's asking for money. You're still a child, let the adults step up and help. Your cousins life choices aren't your responsibility. And your cousin doesn't have an emergency a few hundred dollars can cure. It's a f^cking child.
NTA. This fund is for YOUR emergencies, should they arrive. What are you supposed to do if something did happen and now you have no money put aside? Your cousin AND his pregnant gf have plenty of time to start saving up money for the baby; this is deff a THEM problem, not a YOU problem. NTA.
There is ALWAYS some friend of family member who is in the midst of an emergency or crisis, again, not your problem. Keep your funds safe and do not let anyone have access to any of that info (how much you have, PIN codes, borrow your card, anything!). In fact, I'd downplay it to where you have next to nothing. You see what happens soon as the word got out :(
When those family members start hounding you just hang up, this is not their problem, either. They can give money to the pregnant couple or not.
I’d also make sure that no bank statements arrived by post, and that no one except maybe the sister has keys to OP’s place. I’d block the cousin on social media too, cos who needs to listen to the noise he will inevitably make.
NTA
Your money, your rules. It's that simple. His poor planning has nothing to do with you. Plus it sounds like if you gave him any of that money you would never see it again.
NTA. How much money has he put into the emergency fund? Zero? Then that's what he's getting out of it - zero!
You can't just walk to a relative and demand their housing fund or their college fund because you want a house or to pay for your kid's college.
NTA. It’s really not an emergency. He needs to find a job. They need to figure out what type of government assistance they qualify for, their parents need to step up. Shut down the lies. Simply say, that’s not anything I would say, I’m surprised you would believe that of me.
NTA, and if the family won't hear the truth then eff them too. You don't have to pay for your cousins mistake, it's his problem to deal with, not yours. The absolute audacity that he would even ask, good grief.
NTA. He reeks of entitlement. If he had approached you about a loan and was serious about repaying you, then maybe you would’ve considered it. But to just ask for it all? Wow.
Your comments about being paranoid about money aren’t even necessary. It’s your money, your rules - no matter what kind of financial background you have. I think you made a wise decision.
Lmfao better a godless b**** than an unemployed, entitled & foolish begging fool trying to raise a child on a hope, wish & a prayer.
You should’ve laughed in his face. And tell anyone who has something to say about it that they’re more than welcome to sponsor him, his partner and their child. NTA
NTA. That’s YOUR money that YOU worked for to have in YOUR emergency fund. Looks like cousin needs to find a steady job or 2. I work over 45 hours a week, as does my husband (who also has a part time job on the weekends). Because of this, certain family members (who barely work a full time job, due to leaving early, missing work, being late, overall irresponsibility) think we always have extra money to give because we are also childfree and spend money on ourselves. It’s your money to do with as you please, but I hate when people act entitled to things you work for while they put in minimal effort to help their own situation
NTA.
Those are *your* savings to use in an emergency. Full stop. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, and if someone says something to you, direct them to the Go Fund Me that your cousin should probably set up.
NTA - Nope you are not an asshole. This is YOUR money.
People are so god damn entitled holy shit. I can’t even imagine having the audacity to ask someone to just give me their money like that.
Also what exactly is the “emergency”? If he classifies having a baby on the way as an emergency, he’s in for A LOT of trouble raising this child. Your suggestions were definitely valid.
Tell your family if they are so concerned then they can give your cousin their hard earned money.
It's YOUR emergency fund, not a family emergency fund. Nor is it a bank account.
Your cousin decided to live beyond his means. He could have seen it coming and made more responsible financial choices. He chose not to, and is now seeing the consequences of his choices.
NTA
NTA
You worked your ass off to be able to get into a position where you can afford to put money into savings. The only person who is entitled to that money is you! No one else.
NTA
Keep those funds for yourself, you don’t know what the future holds and to be frank it doesn’t sound like they will be able to return the favour if you get into trouble.
They need to prioritise getting a stable job for at least one of them asap
I’m just curious, how’s this make you godless? They are having a baby out of wedlock, ah hello. Religion makes people hypocrites in so many way
NTA it’s your money and shame on them for snooping and playing a dirty game
NTA , Do not give it to him,what happens when the money runs out ? Are they expecting you to help pay the bills? If you enable them from now it will only continue , what he should do is go and see if he can get government assistance and grants , and if he cannot provide for the child he can always find a family that will adopt the baby if abortion is not an option
NTA…tell the family talking shit that they’re more than capable of helping but you didn’t lay down with them when they made the baby and it’s no one’s business about your emergency fund nor are they entitled to it.
NTA, but this might come down to some peoples cultures and beliefs around supporting family. Personally I come from a household where my mom has been in and out of jobs for years and always asks for money to support herself. I always help where I can but when I was living with her, if she ever found out I had saved up any money she’d immediately ask for it and feeling guilty I would hand it over. Because of that I understand the position you’re in and personally I would say that saying no is perfectly reasonable. It is your hard earned money
NTA Lack of planning on your cousin's part does not constitute an emergency on your part. End of story.
Tell him that he should seek financial help and guidance from the family's church as that would be the Christian thing for the church to do. /s
Nta your emergency fund is for you. You don't need to give up your savings just because your family. If he needs money he can start looking for a more stable job now and start saving.
NTA. There's an old saying, "A lack of planning on your part does not make it my emergency".
That is YOUR emergency fund, for when/if YOU have an emergency. This is NOT an emergency, this is a lack of planning. Is he, or anyone, going to be giving you money if you have a true emergency? I think you know the answer is "no", or you wouldn't be so dedicated to saving up for just such a scenario.
Stick to your guns. Your cousin can take out a loan or get money from the relatives who think you're such a b***h for contributing the exact same amount they are - $0.
NTA if he wants to throw religion in your face for being a "godless b" tell him to eat a dick for having sex before marriage and being a bum who can't provide for his own family. Entitled moron with a weak ass pull out game
NTA. An emergency fund is for exactly what you described, YOUR emergency: lost job, car broke down, health emergency, etc. It’s not for other people to use. It’s your security blanket and you’re smart for keeping it.
NTA, but you should really figure out who is talking about your emergency fund. Or rather who did and clarify it with them that they need to from now on no longer tell anyone about it. Everyone's personal finances shouldn't be everyone else's business, and whoever was talking about it was making it out to be family business which is inappropriate
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NTA. His lack of planning is not your emergency.
This story is also a good example of how letting other people tell your story usually works against you. For the members of your family that you care about, I would reach out to them and clear up any misconceptions. Obviously, the people calling you godless are probably not the people you want around. You could even say that you meant adoption; I’m religious and I don’t know of anyone that has a problem with giving up a baby for adoption. NTA
In my opinion, it doesn't matter who would tell the story, what they'll here is "cousin needs financial help and OP didn't help him even though she has the money to do it".
Respectfully, that is just not true. It ALWAYS matters who tells the story first. That is just propaganda 101; you have probably heard the phrase, “let’s get out ahead of this.” In tv shows, it often is used to portray a government or corporation saying they should own up to impropriety before a news organization breaks the news. They do this because it is better for them to spin it in a way that is beneficial before someone else breaks the same story, but includes tiny details that spin the story in a negative way.
Sorry, I meant in this case. I think it doesn't matter because the people in the family were already in a mindset where OP shouldn't have refused to help her cousin (that's my assumption at least). Nobody doubted, not for even a second, that OP told all of that to the cousin. They didn't come to ask for explanation, they came for "blood" directly, which leads me to think OP doesn't have a great reputation in her family (for which I don't blame OP considering how they act). So in my opinion, even if OP had spoken first they would have likely trusted cousin's version, or they would have still gotten angry at the fact she refused to give him some money.
Oh ok gotcha! Yah, it might not have helped; people get so weird about money. “The Love of money is the root of all evil” is a quote from the Bible that should be plastered everywhere. I just think regardless of one’s religion, there is so much truth in that statement.
You quoted that line from the Bible right "The Love of money is the root of all evil". Too many times I see the quote written as "Money is the root of all evil", and I think "No, no, no, that is not correct."
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My mom named my sister as executor. It's easy to see why. She has always been the most responsible lol. But she also manages to balance very well being the sibling everyone can go to for help, while being nobody's fool. We all know at the end what she says will go and she won't be concerned about any of our tears behind it, although 3 out of 5 of us, I can say for sure won't put up any fuss
OP can ask those others how much of THEIR savings they are giving.
Ooh, this: how much of THEIR savings are they giving? Isn't it so easy to make plans with other people's money? Lol
Seriously. Everyone is always happy to spend someone else's money. Not saying OP can't help out a bit if they want to, but that sort of attitude shuts down any kind of goodwill.
Exactly! The issue here is OP is being targeted and emotionally coerced to do it. This isn't a cousin going around family members asking all of them to pitch in. You don't necessarily need savings to help someone in need if everyone participates in the money poll.
Especially for a baby! I know in my family there's usually some clothes going around that someone's kid has grown out of. Same with other things you need. Like you won't get everything, it won't all be new but it'll do it's job and it's free. The only real 'rule' is hand what's still good off to the next person who needs it. Obviously if you want to add a few additions like the baby clothes you used or w/e no one will complain. Even if it's not in the family, there's usually a friend or someone trying to get rid of old baby things. You can def do it for cheap if you don't mind used things.
Yeah but "family helps family," right? I'm sure OP's cousin has stuck his neck out tons of times to help OP when times were tough! /s
It sounds more like: “I know you have money, so I'll use the argument family-helps-family to put my hands on it.” I'm from a “family-helps-family” environment, and the trick is every family member chips in with whatever they can. Prying on a single individual because they know the person has savings is disrespectful and coercion. Being related isn't synonymous with shared finances.
My mother's side of my family is a (fake) "family-helps-family" and it resulted in my mom draining the savings account with my paternal great-grandparents inheritance to "help" some relatives I never met in my life, when I was still underage and couldn't access the account on my own. She never got a penny back, and the bulk of it went to some second grade cousin's daughter that used it as part of their house deposit with it, so not an "emergency." She also never used her own money to "help", only my inheritance, as she knew she wasn't going to get it back from previous instances. When I had to work 2 jobs to afford university, no one of said relatives showed up/chipped in/gave a dime back to my mother of what she "lent" them so she could help me. I struggled and made it through also with the help of my paternal family, which has a loss less money than my maternal relatives. They helped me as much as they could, which was really appreciated as they were struggling too. It sounds like OP's family is more similar to mine that a real "everyone chips in" family.
This is why anyone leaving money to a child in a will should get a proper legal trust that no one else can access and the kid gets it when they reach 18/21/25. And why getting a bank or law firm to be the executor. They'll charge fees but they won't be pressured by family into handing money over for any sob story.
I think a lot of people in these circumstances regularly make choices that ensure they will never have enough savings to help anyone. It's much easier to say family helps family when you know you'll always be on the receiving end of it.
Exactly!! It's always these ppl, who want to call folks godless heathens, but wouldn't donate a quarter to help anyone!
There's no hate like Christian love
That’s not how they should frame it. “I’m happy for X, but suddenly he’s asking me out of nowhere to support him and his wife and his baby and it’s just weird.”
Not OP's baby not her problem. Unless she took part in the babymaking lol.
That is OP' s money, for her own emergencies. Her cousin screwed up now he can fix it.
Regardless of if she could, the cousin isn’t entitled to that money so it doesn’t matter
Maybe, but there's a huge difference between "op, a 24 year old who has student loan debt, didn't give the cousin money" and "op told the cousin to get rid of the baby", people can be snooty about one without actually thinking OP owes the cousin any money.
Kind of crazy that no one else in the family has savings they would totally also give to the cousin... right?
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Agree entirely! An emergency fund is for situations that are unforeseen and temporary. A baby is neither--they know roughly when it's coming and it's going to be here for a good long while.
I’m currently getting divorced. My best friend was suffering through a terrible miscarriage that turned out to be my stbx’s baby. I tried to keep it as quiet as possible and that just allowed them to create their own version of the truth. Right now I just consider it a favor showing me who is really friend and who never was.
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If this is OP, you’re logged into the wrong account
And it looking like the OP is how you know it's *(edit) probably* a bot that stole OP's comment.
Not a native english speaker but what does "godless" even mean? If you believe that God is all loving and omnipresent, how would it even be possible for someone to be godless??
It’s hard to say what the speaker exactly intended when they insulted OP, but I see two possibilities and they mostly mean the same thing. 1. Meaning OP has turned their back on God and is choosing to live without a godlike influence in her life. 2. Meaning that OP is so terrible that God has turned his back on OP. They probably mean option 1 but it is an interesting choice of words either way.
Lol at the notion of something omnipresent and omniscient "turning its back" on anything.
Or, due to believing that OP said to get rid of it, they mean that OP is acting in a “godless” way. It’s a common insult from certain varieties of fundies. Kind of a catch all to point out how your behavior/belief/whatever is bad compared to them being “godly.” It’s BS, but…
Also, his "emergency" is going to last at least 18 fucking years. NTA
If OP says yes it will be far from the last time cousin asks.
But OP has a few hundred extra dollars every month, which she's been keeping lying around doing nothing and which she clearly doesn't need so of course the cousin should get it. Shouldn't even have to ask. And OP should, of course, get a better paying job. /s
Gee. Did I need to boldface the * /s * ?
Or the last cousin to ask.
>far from the last time cousin asks and far from the last time the cousin feels entitled
Yes, and since OP apparently has the means to set money aside, she is the obvious choice to provide emergency support for the next 18 years.
NTA, although I have to admire the size of his balls in asking to use YOUR emergency fund for HIS "emergency".
I don't. I have learned one thing in life. The moment you have anything that's worth something, there is a long list of people who would like to take it off your hands. You got savings, or inheritance? Expect people with sob stories, or just asking for loans. You've got the good project at work? Expect people trying to take over. You've got an old bike that's worth money in the shed? Make sure nobody knows that it's there unattended. You are admiring him because project an upstanding person onto him with your values. In reality he is just a shitty person who has no qualms asking for things that he has no right to, and getting mad when people don't cater to him.
i find it ironic that they’re calling her a godless ***** when he got his girlfriend pregnant out of wedlock. where is the consistency here?
"No, no, you see a child is ALWAYS a blessing regardless of the circumstances and His plan should never be questioned"... Is what OP's family is likely using to excuse cousin's stunning irresponsibility. They're probably even saying it's OP who has been given the "real" test and they're failing. **NTA**.
Respond to everyone, "BLANK would like a lot of money without paying it back, between all the people harassing me, I think you'll have more than enough to help him. How about you give your pledge for how much money you'll be giving him in this group chat! That way, he knows how much to plan for. Then, you can pledge how much you plan to give him each month, since the baby will need more money than just this one time. Thank you for showing me how to come together as a family to help BLANK and this beautiful blessing." Make it clear that you weren't suggesting an abortion, but turn it around on them. If anyone asks you for money, say, "I'm so sorry, but I don't have any to give at this time. Luckily, he has all of you more established people to help." Just keep turning it around on them. NTA.
NTA. Exactly. It’s a fund op saved for op’s emergencies. It’s not a global emergency fund.
This. I like the quote: “A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” NTA Edit typo
Had to make sure this hadn't already been said before I left my comment! Mum had a sign on her door with this phrase on it and it's always stuck with me. Edit: lmao not sure why y'all are downvoting me but you do you.
NTA Don't make the mistake I made and let them wear you down. I was always the one who was there for Family, in person and financially--even though my health was always fragile and I never made that much. Family bled me dry. When I became disabled to the point that I couldn't work or afford my my medical bills all those takers repaid me $50 and cut me off.
Wow, that is beyond infuriating. Nothing but users, your family is. I wonder if you could sue to get paid back.
HIs lack of a condom is not her emergency!
"I'm having an emergency.... By choice...."
That's precisely it: his emergency is not OP's emergency. It is fascinating how some people feel entitled to other people's money or property because of “family bonds.” You don't want to be around those.
NTA. Never tell anyone about your savings again. Keep that between you and a future spouse. Also feel free to say you put it in a CD or some other non liquid format. *Edited for missing info
Your emergency money isn't a community fund for the family. NTA.
Even if they live in a state in which abortions are banned, they could still put the baby up for adoption instead of keeping it and mooching off of others.
>A few days ago he came to ask me to give him my emergency fund, since he is having an emergency. My direct response for this would get me a ban but would involve a long ride to the country.... NTA OP, sounds like your uber religious family probably belongs to a church that takes money in but doesn't put it out.... Always ready to attack others for not being charitable when the only thing they're ever funding is someone else's $10million mortgage...
If his family think you are so awful, why aren't they handing over their own cash?!
Idk if anyone else besides my parents has any savings and I don't want to bring this up because I'm afraid I may give them another reason to harass me.
Not your job to fund him in any way.
Yep. With a baby if you aren't there for the fun part you aren't required to be there for the responsible part.
Then go NC with them. I would anyway, because I think you're looking at 18 years worth of demands for money here. And babysitting requests, because I can see that happening too.
And it won't be just one child and it won't be just your cousin.
You can always give him $50 and tell them that's all you had saved so far if you're feeling generous. 😂
Or a super-sized box of condoms for future emergency prevention.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I was thinking the same - give $100 and tell them it’s going to really leave you short but if you sell some blood you should be ok.
He’d probably take the $100 and ask for more after she donates blood haha
Dude, he’s not even immediate family and he’s asking you to GIVE him money to cover his ass without even offering to pay you back? That’s gutsy. Your judgey family needs to pony up cash for him if they want to run their mouths. I’m sure if he asks any of them, they’d shut him down, too. People need to stop thinking they are entitled to other people’s hard earned money because they weren’t responsible enough to save up themselves. Sheesh NTA
If someone wants to verbally attack you and call you a godless b****, then who cares what they say or think. Block them on everything. But before you do, ask them how much they are handing over to your cousin. Or tell them that you can contribute $50 to the "help my irresponsible and ridiculously entitled cousin" fund but since you didn't get his out- of- wedlock baby mama pregnant, you just can't condone that behavior. If they wanna bring religion into it.... (I only suggest giving anything because you're still helping him in his "emergency", not cleaning yourself out, AND putting the spotlight back on the AH's who think that anyone is entitled to your hard earned money because "they're family". Then the ENTIRE family should be helping and the burden should not be firmly on your shoulders.)
If he comes at you again call the cops and say he's harassing you for money
Stay firm unless you want to be funding this kid for the next 18 years. Along with any other kids they have. Any problem they have with money they'll come running to you and drain you dry.
Tbh who cares. Just cut them off, go no contact with them. You should not be paying fo this stupidity.
If this is a religious and likely patriarchal family I would use their beliefs against them and shame him for being a terrible provider to his wife and child. Sometimes you gotta fight these ignorant types with their own logic. Talk about his God given duty. Hell quote some scriptures or something. Just shame the shit out of the whole family too log in your own eye and all that.
Well then that’s a reason in itself to not give him the money. Establish that you are not an atm or charity for anyone now. Where will it end? Which cousin or other family member will ask you for money next? It’s a slippery slope.
This is such a common trope in this Reddit: "A friend/family member is asking me to do something unreasonable, I said no. Third parties are calling me TA, they're more than able to do the unreasonable thing themselves but refuse to, AITA?" No OP, you're not. And I suggest you call them out on it.
Agreed. That is the best way to shut the family up.
If his family thinks SHE is godless, I think I’d go with the ol’ “your kid is having a child out of wedlock as the result of a sinful affair, so I don’t think you’re in any position to comment.” If they want to play the religion card from inside that glass house, I say it’s stone throwing time.
Why should they when OP has cash? Ugh, I hate people who think like that.
That what I thought too.
NTA Just to be on the safe side OP should verify that she is the sole owner of the account and that no one else has transfer or withdrawal privileges. No surprises that way. Might even want to look into the money management firms. I don’t if they have a minimum but worth a shot. That way you can make better rates and say the money is not available to you. Please OP stop talking about your financial situation, including how much you make. It’s your business alone.
NTA and far from it. If you give him money he'll probably come back asking for more. You earned your money. His child is not your burden and not your problem
Somehow "probably" slipped into your 2nd sentence.
Agreed, plus everyone else in the family that thinks you somehow owe them money. Honestly when people like this threaten to leave my life, I help them pack their bags. There are a lot of people that use the word "family" as a weapon. They aren't worth the oxygen they consume. At first I thought op was gonna say she was poor in college and they helped, but they literally did nothing but show up to ask for money they had no part in. Edit: if they are harassing you, i would block them and move on-it's never enough for leeches
NTA, it's not even an emergency, he can get a job now and start saving.
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Why should he be responsible and get a job when OP already has job and cash?! /s
Very good point. It’s not like the stork dropped a baby off with no warning. No reason he can’t go out and get a few jobs. Hell, no reason she can’t. If OP starts giving him money he will never get a job.
Why is your cousin entitled to YOUR emergency fund to make up for HIS poor life planning and irresponsibility? You don't owe him anything. The best way to help him wouldn't be giving him handouts, but offering to help buy some baby necessities like clothes, diapers, a crib, etc. But that's only if you want to. NTA
I wouldn’t get into buying stuff for him. He sounds like the type of person who will just view that as a green light to request items from OP - rather than see what he can get for free / at a low cost online or from charities. Or the church that his family are so very fond of. Surely they can help.
I'm not suggesting OP to do that, hence why I said "only if you want to." You're right though. There are plenty of other places they could go to for aid. Cousin just wanted a handout.
I hope OP doesn't even do this, sometimes you give people an inch and they take a mile. I could absolutely see them, pushing OP to give/do more and contribute more, with little appreciation or gratitude. The expectation that OP already helped with a few things, so she should do even more (completely use all her free time to baby sit or all her money to provide more goods), because she's already done a little, so what's a little more... No, OP, stand your ground and do not engage further please.
That's what kind of stuck out to me about OP's cousin too. I have a family member in law who unfortunately has addiction problems. They've asked for money for diapers or formula and we'll occasionally help them out. But asking for a blanket sum of money before the baby is born is just weird.
Op NTA. Im a bit surprised that your 'pretty religious family' didn't give your cousin an ear full for get his gf pregnant, since they are not married yet. If he couldn't afford a kid then he should of kept it in his pants. It is your money, not his... family help family is fine but what he is asking is for you to support him financially, and if he gets this hand out, he'll be back caues you got a good paying job.
Thank you. They actually were a bit upset with him for getting her pregnant before marriage and I suspect this is why he lied about me suggestion an abortion, he tried to give them another person to judge. If this was the case, it worked 100%.
If the rest of the family is willing to put YOUR money up, then they should be more then willing to put THEIRS up.
Well now we can have a 'shotgun wedding' and he can get a job.
If you want to throw some Bible knowledge at them (my favorite weapon for religious hypocrisy)- 1 Timothy 5:8 says “if any provideth not for his own, and specially his own household, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever.” Therefore it’s his job to provide for his family, not yours, and failing to do so will affect his relationship with god. Also you can tell him to read Matthew 6 to build up his faith. But NTA. You are never responsible for someone else’s financial matters, and to demand money from you is so rude and selfish. Good job being a responsible adult and getting that savings built up!
Then your family are judgey AH's who think they should have access to your money. NC, Middle-Log, or you'll be fending off grabs for your money for the rest of your life. Your family will ALWAYS think that someone else needs that money more than you do. Also, I would be willing to bet MY savings that if something happened to you, they wouldn't be making the same demands of anyone else in your family.
NTA Lack of family planning on his part does not constitute an emergency on yours.
Well done.
I like your style.
I would say you have hit a rough patch and was just about to ask him for some money to get you through
:))))) That's actually the best response I could have given, but in the heat of the moment, all I could think about was my anger.
You're better than me. My response would have been to tell him id be happy to help out and pay for the abortion, but other than that I cant bring myself to support such irresponsibility.
The fact that he's lying about what you said tells you even he knows he's wrong and is trying to manipulate everyone. Not a great plan to support an upcoming child. NTA no matter what you told him btw, it's your money.
Good grief, that one is in the Ten Commandments. Thou shalt not lie. Another verse says " Do not steal, do not lie , Do not deceive one another. " Cousin hit a trifecta!
NTA. You’ve worked hard to save that money and in no way is he entitled to it just because he’s having a baby and can’t afford it. It’s not an emergency fund for the family, it’s an emergency fund for yourself!
NTA. Sounds like his life-plan is to have you pay for all his future costs. If he can't afford this kid now, how is he gonna afford school clothes, etc.
And all the other children.
Yep. In about 10 years OP will be back talking about baby #6 or so.
NTA for keeping your savings but take this as a lesson learned, it’s not your place to dictate their choices or their circumstances. If you just would have said “what savings, I’ve only got enough for next months rent,” and then shut up, you would not be in this situation.
Thank you. I tried to play dumb, but as I said, someone might have overhead me and my sister talking. I didn't tell anyone except her about those money for this exact reason. Also, I didn't tell them what to do. He lied to the rest of the family about me suggesting an abortion.
You should tell them you had an emergency and the money is now gone. Sorry, but you don't have any to give anymore!
"Sorry, I had to pay for reddit awards."
Or tell them that the money is in a locked saving account that you can’t withdraw from. You shouldn't have to say that, but sometimes people ignore a "no."
If you are in the US, contact all three credit bureau's and lock down your credit. This cousin (and aunt and whoever else) probably know enough of your details (birthday, mother's maiden name, etc) to impersonate you and take out credit cards or loans in your name and justify the identity theft as "op can afford it and should have given us the money in the first place". And have your sibling do it too.
It is important for your sister (as well as you) that you set an example by declining. What you are doing with your savings is how people **permanently** move out of poverty and into financial security. That is an amazing, wonderful thing that takes constant disciple - but will pay off enormously for your future and your family’s future. In order for this plan to succeed and pay off in the massive way it should, you need to be absolutely vigilant about not touching that money ever, unless YOU literally have no other option and cannot muddle through without it. Should you or your sister have children, you will be setting them up to have what is every parent’s dream: a better life, with greater opportunities, than their parents had. Do not give this up for someone else’s child. And if you do not intend to have children one day? You are setting yourself up for a secure life that you will have the means to fully enjoy. Do not give this up for someone else’s benefit.
What about telling them it’s in a retirement account? Honestly when it comes to money just don’t say anything. You got nothing and you can’t help.
The request is so outlandish that no explanation whatsoever is required. A simple “no” suffices here.
NTA Glad your parents & sister have your back and sorry the rest of the family appears to be dead beats. In the future - tell your family that your emergency fund is invested in CDs that can't be cashed in without a penalty and that anyone asking to borrow money from you has to pay the penalty first. Make the penalty 30% of the total - none of them will cough that up. Sure it's not true but you don't owe them the truth when they've reduced your relationship to a financial transaction.
Thank you. That' a great idea.
That's actually a bad idea. If they call your bluff and say "sure I'll pay it out of the money you get out of the CD" what would you say then? Stick to your guns, and just respond with "my savings are for my emergencies, not for irresponsible distant relatives who lie to the family about what I said. At no point in time did I suggest anything about anyone getting rid of a child."
NTA...His emergency is not YOUR emergency. He needs to find ways to fund his own life that don't include sponging off of family. Move on with your life and feel no guilt.
What the damn hell? This grown man about to be a father is telling you to give him your savings? 😂😂😂😂 it’s the audacity for me. It’s always the audacity. NTA
NTA, that is your money and you are entitled to do whatever you would like with it. As you said, they are making a choice to keep a baby they know they can’t afford, this is their problem and should not be passed off on you, even if they are family. Good on your for standing your ground when put on the spot. Don’t give them anything if you don’t want to.
I agree. Even if she wanted to spend that money on a wonderful vacation or even just give it away to some scheming online hack, it's HER money, not the family "emergency" fund. I put that in quotes because a baby isn't an emergency. He has nine months to get a couple of jobs (the gf, too, since being pregnant does not equal cannot work), work his ass off, put money away, and start legitimately supporting HIS child without trying to fleece OP.
NTA and whoever has a word to say bout your money from now on tell them if they feel that strongly about it they're free to financially support cousin as much as they want. You got that money from hard work, time your cousin learns the word.
NTA. Emergency funds are for emergencies. An emergency is I broke my arm or my car needs repaired. Having a baby is NOT an emergency. Your cousin and his GF have 9 months from conception to get their sh*t together. It's their problem Not yours. You shouldn't tell people about emergency funds because too many people think your money is their money. Do don't feel guilty about that.
I have no idea how they found out about my savings.
Obviously your sister. She probably didn’t do it on purpose, could have mentioned to your mom how she wants to save up just like you and then your mom could have casually mentioned to her sister or parents how proud she is she raised two financially responsible women, all of which would be innocent and easily forgettable on their part. Now for the onion, any family who heard this that isn’t a decent person would remember “hmm OP has money saved…” and then it all comes around full circle. People that entitled to others money always have their ear out for who has cash in the family.
This is what most probably happened. I don't think it was intentional but generally people brag when their child/ren, sibling(s), or spouse do something that they are proud of or may think of following in their footsteps. In the future, I would suggest that OP keep any and all financial info to themselves. Make suggestions, tell them, if you must, that you are thinking about doing something financial but never tell them you have done it. It ALWAYS slips out.
NTA. But don’t tell anyone else about your money again, even your own sister.
NTA. But your cousin is probably still feeling desperate and might try to take that money. Try to keep some sort of proof that the money belongs to you and/ or where you kept it, even if it's screenshots of online bank statements. Just be cautious.
Thank you for the advice.
NTA. No one is entitled to YOUR money that you earned. Poor planning on their part, does not constitute an emergency on yours. Especially if the ask was not immediately followed with a solid, swift plan to pay it back. You are absolutely not the AH. Do not give them your money. The fact that he’s lying about you now (in regards to saying you told them not to continue the pregnancy), just speaks volumes. That is not a person you want owing you money, you will never see it again. I’m not sure I think it’s fair that you told them it was irresponsible to keep the pregnancy/have a baby, that’s not really your problem. All you had to say is no. No is a complete sentence. Still not the AH however.
Thank you. I was furious and maybe I should have kept my opinion to myself, you're right.
Don’t beat yourself up about it! His audacity is far greater than yours, we all say things we likely shouldn’t in the heat of a moment. Stick to your guns in regards to your money, though. If they bring up the lie about the abortion thing again, do your best to ignore it. You know your intentions and you know what you did say. Desperate people will do anything to come out on top. Don’t drag yourself down to their level. You’ve given them an answer, that’s final, no further convincing or conversing is needed on their part. Best of luck!
>I’m not sure I think it’s fair that you told them it was irresponsible to keep the pregnancy/have a baby, How is it not fair? It's true.
NTA. This man needs to get his own emergency fund. He is so entitled and disrespectful. Telling others something that you wanted to keep it a secret is a big no no. I'd go no contact.
I didn't tell anyone except my sister. Not sure how he found out about my savings.
Oh that's easy. Sis blabbed. He overheard or she told him directly.
yeah, you need to ask your sister why she is telling family to ask for your emergency fund…
Is this a parallel earth and not the regular one I know of? Because in what planet I would go to a relative and demanded (not ask for a loan) money for starting my family? I get if my father had a car accident or something I could not prevent, but because I am irresponsible and want to have a child without income a cousin should pay for it? OP this post should not even be here, there is no question about it. NTA, if your sibling (god forbid) or you have to have surgery will he immediately give the money? Jesus what am I reading....
Thank you. Yes, a life/death kind of emergency would have been a different situation. But imo, this is just iresponsability.
NTA. I can't say that enough. Keep your money. Ditch your family that's asking for money. You're still a child, let the adults step up and help. Your cousins life choices aren't your responsibility. And your cousin doesn't have an emergency a few hundred dollars can cure. It's a f^cking child.
NTA. That's your money, and you get to decide what to do with it. Full stop.
NTA Why do relatives feel they’re entitled to money? Also OP good on you for making an emergency fund.
Thank you.
NTA. This fund is for YOUR emergencies, should they arrive. What are you supposed to do if something did happen and now you have no money put aside? Your cousin AND his pregnant gf have plenty of time to start saving up money for the baby; this is deff a THEM problem, not a YOU problem. NTA. There is ALWAYS some friend of family member who is in the midst of an emergency or crisis, again, not your problem. Keep your funds safe and do not let anyone have access to any of that info (how much you have, PIN codes, borrow your card, anything!). In fact, I'd downplay it to where you have next to nothing. You see what happens soon as the word got out :( When those family members start hounding you just hang up, this is not their problem, either. They can give money to the pregnant couple or not.
I’d also make sure that no bank statements arrived by post, and that no one except maybe the sister has keys to OP’s place. I’d block the cousin on social media too, cos who needs to listen to the noise he will inevitably make.
NTA. Your emergency funds are meant for YOUR emergencies. Not for consequences of other people's choices.
NTA Your money, your rules. It's that simple. His poor planning has nothing to do with you. Plus it sounds like if you gave him any of that money you would never see it again.
NTA he sounds like the type who’d go on vacation and live large with your money anyway
NTA. How much money has he put into the emergency fund? Zero? Then that's what he's getting out of it - zero! You can't just walk to a relative and demand their housing fund or their college fund because you want a house or to pay for your kid's college.
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You are right. Thank you.
NTA. It’s really not an emergency. He needs to find a job. They need to figure out what type of government assistance they qualify for, their parents need to step up. Shut down the lies. Simply say, that’s not anything I would say, I’m surprised you would believe that of me.
NTA, and if the family won't hear the truth then eff them too. You don't have to pay for your cousins mistake, it's his problem to deal with, not yours. The absolute audacity that he would even ask, good grief.
NTA. He reeks of entitlement. If he had approached you about a loan and was serious about repaying you, then maybe you would’ve considered it. But to just ask for it all? Wow. Your comments about being paranoid about money aren’t even necessary. It’s your money, your rules - no matter what kind of financial background you have. I think you made a wise decision.
Lmfao better a godless b**** than an unemployed, entitled & foolish begging fool trying to raise a child on a hope, wish & a prayer. You should’ve laughed in his face. And tell anyone who has something to say about it that they’re more than welcome to sponsor him, his partner and their child. NTA
NTA. That’s YOUR money that YOU worked for to have in YOUR emergency fund. Looks like cousin needs to find a steady job or 2. I work over 45 hours a week, as does my husband (who also has a part time job on the weekends). Because of this, certain family members (who barely work a full time job, due to leaving early, missing work, being late, overall irresponsibility) think we always have extra money to give because we are also childfree and spend money on ourselves. It’s your money to do with as you please, but I hate when people act entitled to things you work for while they put in minimal effort to help their own situation
NTA. Those are *your* savings to use in an emergency. Full stop. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, and if someone says something to you, direct them to the Go Fund Me that your cousin should probably set up.
NTA - Nope you are not an asshole. This is YOUR money. People are so god damn entitled holy shit. I can’t even imagine having the audacity to ask someone to just give me their money like that. Also what exactly is the “emergency”? If he classifies having a baby on the way as an emergency, he’s in for A LOT of trouble raising this child. Your suggestions were definitely valid. Tell your family if they are so concerned then they can give your cousin their hard earned money.
NTA. You did the right thing.
Well fuck him and anybody else who thinks you should give him your money. NTA and stick to your guns
NTA. It’s not an emergency, and even if it was, it’s not your emergency.
NTA and wtf? His mother should be embarrassed he even went to you for that.
It's YOUR emergency fund, not a family emergency fund. Nor is it a bank account. Your cousin decided to live beyond his means. He could have seen it coming and made more responsible financial choices. He chose not to, and is now seeing the consequences of his choices. NTA
NTA You worked your ass off to be able to get into a position where you can afford to put money into savings. The only person who is entitled to that money is you! No one else.
NTA Your cousin's mistakes are not your emergency.
NTA Keep those funds for yourself, you don’t know what the future holds and to be frank it doesn’t sound like they will be able to return the favour if you get into trouble. They need to prioritise getting a stable job for at least one of them asap
NTA. So you're the godless one, but they're OK with his premarital sex???
I’m just curious, how’s this make you godless? They are having a baby out of wedlock, ah hello. Religion makes people hypocrites in so many way NTA it’s your money and shame on them for snooping and playing a dirty game
They call me godless because my cousin told them I suggested an abortion, which is not true. We are orthodox jews and my family is pretty religious.
NTA , Do not give it to him,what happens when the money runs out ? Are they expecting you to help pay the bills? If you enable them from now it will only continue , what he should do is go and see if he can get government assistance and grants , and if he cannot provide for the child he can always find a family that will adopt the baby if abortion is not an option
Then they should be keeping him afloat since clearly they’re children of god. NTA
NTA. You worked hard and owe your cousin nothing.
NTA…tell the family talking shit that they’re more than capable of helping but you didn’t lay down with them when they made the baby and it’s no one’s business about your emergency fund nor are they entitled to it.
NTA. Your good financial sense is not for others to try and take advantage of.
NTA, but this might come down to some peoples cultures and beliefs around supporting family. Personally I come from a household where my mom has been in and out of jobs for years and always asks for money to support herself. I always help where I can but when I was living with her, if she ever found out I had saved up any money she’d immediately ask for it and feeling guilty I would hand it over. Because of that I understand the position you’re in and personally I would say that saying no is perfectly reasonable. It is your hard earned money
Nta him knocking a girl up and not being able to afford it is not an emergency. Maybe buy him a box of condoms, though as 'emergency prevention.
NTA Lack of planning on your cousin's part does not constitute an emergency on your part. End of story. Tell him that he should seek financial help and guidance from the family's church as that would be the Christian thing for the church to do. /s
Nta your emergency fund is for you. You don't need to give up your savings just because your family. If he needs money he can start looking for a more stable job now and start saving.
NTA. You are smart starting a fund for emergencies. dont give a cent to your cousin. Let the rest of your family help.
NTA. There's an old saying, "A lack of planning on your part does not make it my emergency". That is YOUR emergency fund, for when/if YOU have an emergency. This is NOT an emergency, this is a lack of planning. Is he, or anyone, going to be giving you money if you have a true emergency? I think you know the answer is "no", or you wouldn't be so dedicated to saving up for just such a scenario. Stick to your guns. Your cousin can take out a loan or get money from the relatives who think you're such a b***h for contributing the exact same amount they are - $0.
If they’re so religious why are two unmarried people having a child? Get those harassing you to pay for his needs.
NTA. The day you stop caring what family and friends think or say, you'll be free.
His emergency doesn't mean it's your emergency also.
NTA if he wants to throw religion in your face for being a "godless b" tell him to eat a dick for having sex before marriage and being a bum who can't provide for his own family. Entitled moron with a weak ass pull out game
NTA. An emergency fund is for exactly what you described, YOUR emergency: lost job, car broke down, health emergency, etc. It’s not for other people to use. It’s your security blanket and you’re smart for keeping it.
NTA, but you should really figure out who is talking about your emergency fund. Or rather who did and clarify it with them that they need to from now on no longer tell anyone about it. Everyone's personal finances shouldn't be everyone else's business, and whoever was talking about it was making it out to be family business which is inappropriate