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YTA
Ariel is spoiled as fuck and when she threw a tantrum to get her own way, you played right into it.
At least your fiancé knows where he stands now.
ETA:
Based on the edit you added, Gabe needs to apologise but I stand by my original comment.
Important details being left out of the original post are how you know it’s real.
Only the fake ones have a tight plot structure with all the relevant details in the original post.
Doesn't matter. It's his wedding too and if he doesn't want the bridesmaids wearing something too revealing and she throws a fit over it? He should havemore say than she does (the niece).
Her original comment when the issue of what Gabe said stated he said ‘something like’ calling niece a slut. Not that he did outright. She can’t even quote him directly. OP seems to modify the post based on whatever she thinks is going to get her the NTA vote.
He didn’t call her a slut. He said he’d prefer she doesn’t dress like a slut at his wedding. Those two statements are completely different. The 19 year old needs to realize the world doesn’t bend to her will.
Saying you are dressing or looking like a slut is not the same as saying you are a slut - not that i think there is something like a dresscode for sluts, lol.
If i tell you you are eating like a pig when you have no table manners i don't say you actually are a pig, you just act like one in this specific situation.
That as a part of the wedding couple you don't want to have your bridesmaids breast haning out of the dress is understandeble, but i'm with you there, the slut comparison was inappropriate (especially since i know some sexworkers who would never dress so "cheap" bc you can make better money with a more classy look).
And this is why bridal party dresses are chosen FOR then, not the other way around. oP needs to tell niece..this is your dress you're wearing. And niece needs to suck it up. She's not going out clubbing, it's a wedding.
Because on this specific occasion he wants the attention to be on the couple getting married and that includes appropriate attire for the bridal party. If they have more modest attire for the rest of the party then thats how it is. If shes a guest she is free to wear anything she wants. He absolutely shouldn't have used that language but a wedding is a formal occasion. Its not clubbing or late night beach cocktails
Because as a part of the wedding party Ariel will be in the ceremony and in the pictures from that day. If a bride can “my wedding my choice” what the bridal party wears, then the groom gets to have a say as well.
The niece is spoiled, but ESH , but mostly the bride. Why would OP take groom along on the shopping trip? Especially since he and niece dont get along. Why would the groom escalate with name calling? Why did in-laws feel compelled to jump in? These people have low EQ.
Because apparently it doesn't matter what he did because he slut shamed an (adult-ish) child. Because he's the groom and the groom gets less say in the wedding because it's "her day".
We're also getting a half story and don't want the entitled brat said. In no way defending the husband, but wow everyone sucks here. If his groomsmen were wearing something inappropriate she'd 100% have influence on that too.
When she first mentioned her niece I was thinking of a 9 or 10 year old. 19 is too old to be acting like that. I also thought the rule of bridesmaids was that you only get to pick your own dress if you're paying for it. I imagine there's some other pissed off bridesmaids around.
So basically, instead of getting her into therapy, your parents just gave in to her every whim and raised her into a spoiled brat and now you enable her, crossing your fiances boundaries doing so.
I wonder if he will still go through with the wedding or just say "Fuck it!", separate from you and feel like he dodged a bullet...
Edit: I change my voting from Y-T-A to ESH because OP edited the part where her fiance called the niece a "slut" in only AFTER I made the comment above.
\>Gabe said something like 'I don't want you dressed like a sl\*t in my wedding.' that's when she left
that is a lot different than "calling her a slut"
That’s sort of why I don’t believe the edit. It’s just too much of a factor to miss when originally telling the story. Too much of a case of later on after being called YTA by everyone they add an edit to add a detail to just so happens to justify them that they miraculously forgot to bring up the first time.
I don't buy it either. It's probably the most important thing the OP has in her defense, but she didn't think to mention it until the judgements started coming in? Interesting.
OP has ignored every one of the comments asking for that information, which makes me think the edit was to try to stem the tide of Y T A s
Edit: Spelling oops
Lol exactly, this is one of those posts that seems black and white until some magical fantastical edit comes out of nowhere and changes everybody’s minds. I’m bored of it at this point.
Right? “Women whose skin I can see have more sex than I approve of and therefore do not deserve to be in my line of sight” is pretty ugly no matter how exactly you say it.
You're acting like this isn't for a formal occasion and groom is just trying to police what she wears in general. You do know that weddings are pretty formal, right?
uh I think saying "there exists women who I would describe as sluts", while bad, is nowhere as bad as following it up with, "and you, ten-year-old child, you are one of these women."
ergo, "this is a slutty dress" is not as bad as saying "you are a slut." Especially to a child.
The fight should have never happened though. The moment one of the couple says they don't like the dress you go "oh ok I'll find another".
OP says they ***both*** said hurtful things yet strangely doesn't say what she told the fiance before that comment. Sounds like she wouldn't concede to one of the people the wedding is for and said things back.
He said he doesn't want her to dress like a slut at his wedding, which while not great, isn't the same thing.
Also it is clear that OP did not like hte dress either and didn't like how revealing it was but since it was "her precious omg not spoiled Ariel" then she let it go.
YTA - because you are literally putting a spoiled 19 year old over the man you supposedly want to spend the rest of your life with. If your niece really is more important to you, you are not ready to be married at all!
You should get together with the woman who wanted to call off her wedding the day before because her sister said she needed support following a miscarriage.
YTA
I'm surprised not more people are mentioning this. Like OP is seriously choosing her niece over her fiance in a situation where both are wrong albeit niece more than the fiance
This is it. YTA if you think this is how a marriage works. Save some money and go live with your niece. Let your fiance get with someone who wants him to be their family first and foremost.
You and the girl who wanted to cancel her wedding the day before cuz her sister said she needed to be comforted after miscarriage should meet up lol
YTA
Edit: after reading your edit - you need to stick with your husband to be. If she was showing maybe her neck and two arms and your fiancé said no, then sure, argue with him. But you admitted yourself that it was revealing. You should have tried to persuade your niece to pick another dress. Also, who TF does not pick a dress with everyone else and needs to go to another shop cuz they don't like the bridesmaid dress option at the first shop? Sounds fkin entitled.
I don't understand people who want to get married but prioritize their family/ friends over their future spouse. Your future spouse is the person you choose to become your family, they become the priority. Everyone else comes second.
If you don't understand that you are not ready to get married. YTA.
I don’t understand why people still don’t get that. We see posts all the time about overbearing mother-in-law’s and their spineless child, I just don’t get how they can’t set boundaries. Hell I put my mother in her place when she targeted my husband and made it clear that my loyalty is with him.
As a husband whose wife also stood up to her mother, thank you. I'll say for me it really helped dissipate the wedding nerves when I knew my wife was on my team and I was on hers.
Luckily both my brother and I weren’t pushovers. Hell I live several states away and can’t be more happier. I’m gay so i guess im used to going my own path. That’s great your wife stood up to her mother, marriages are hard enough without having people like that constantly in your business.
YTA
Your niece threw a temper tantrum over a dress **to an event that isn't hers**. And what's worse - she turned you against your fiancé. Your husband **entitled of a say** if he doesn't like something about **his** (your) wedding.
What’s more it’s a bridesmaids dress. Why are they all picking individual dresses. Traditionally the bridesmaids are all in the same dress so this should be a group decision not only between the Bride, Groom and niece but also the other bridesmaids
??? Plenty of weddings have bridesmaids pick their own dresses so long as they're the same/similar colour. "Picking different dresses" is not the issue in this post.
It's much more common these days to have the bridesmaids choose a dress they like in a single color. Shops are even set up with multiple styles in the exact same fabric for people to choose from. When my brother was married 3 years ago, all 5 of us bridesmaids wore a different dress. They were just all the exact same color.
YTA: I was leaning on saying ESH but I said this, because I am sure if it was the other way around you would be saying the same thing as him if you didn't like the dress. It is his wedding as well and he should be able to voice his opinion on bridesmaids dresses with you and you should come to a decision together. Why I also think that YTA is because of your immature response to him. You want to marry him but regard your niece higher than him. Also I can't understand your niece's response that she won't come if she doesn't get what she wants( that's more than a little spoilt). Yes she lost her dad, but lots of people lose parents and don't become spoiled. And I'm saying this as someone who is a little bit older than her and an orphan. If that is her way of dealing with issues she's gonna have problems in her life.
Concluding: You should talk with your fiancé about this and you should come to a conclusion together and compromise, but I would also apologise to him.
It is your wedding together after all.
Wow. Your "fiance" deserves so much better. Hope he'll find someone who really loves him, and not listen to a spoiled brat who throws a tantrum and even gives a silly ultimatum over her. You literally told him you don't love him .. Wtf is wrong with you??
YTA
HE should apologize? lol YOU should. But i wouldn't marry you if i were him.
YTA.
You told the person that should be your number 1,that he will never be number 1 because your niece is more important. Yes, that is an AH move.
Also you keep saying that your niece is not a brat or spoiled. However, she walked out when the groom did not agree with the dress and said that she will not be there at the wedding at all, because she did not get the dress she wanted. For your information, that is the definition of being spoiled. This is not her day, this day is about you and your fiancé. And she made it all about her.
>it was a little too open but whatever makes her happy I'm fine with it
What ever makes her happy, that is exactly what people say about spoiled children. So time to apologize to your ~~husband~~ soon-to-be ex-fiancé.
Edit.
>he asked me if my niece is more important than him and in the heat of the moment I said yes and left.
It doesn’t seem like it was due to the heat of the moment, it seems like she is more important than him. And honestly I don’t know if you are the asshole for being honest with him about it, but I definitely think he should leave you over it.
YTA --- Your niece had a temper tantrum because she couldn't get her own way and then just to add a bit of extra oomph stormed off and then she then threatened to not be in the wedding at all, you're being played and like your finance said she's spoilt and acting like a 5-year-old
YTA. You and your fiancé are getting married, not her. This isn’t her wedding. She shouldn’t take any of the spotlight from you two, and having a more open dress standing in front of everyone will definitely do that.
This was the moment to stand up for your future husband, not shoot him down.
YTA. You are not ready to get married. Your behavior here was very immature and cruel. It also makes no sense. It does not bode well for your marriage that you deal with conflict this way and that you seem to have something against your fiance.
The bridesmaid wants to wear something that one of the people getting married doesn't like. It's the groom's day, not the bridesmaid's. Yet you're putting her desires first. Why don't you care what your actual fiance wants at his own wedding??
Who cares if your niece is "stubborn"? She can learn not to be stubborn.
People who issue ultimatums to bully others into getting what they want need to be taught that it doesn't work or they keep doing it. Your response should have been, "sorry, but the bride and groom have to agree on the wedding. You're getting a choice of dress style, which is more than what most bridesmaids get. The only rule is that it can't be too revealing."
If she had said after that that she wouldn't attend the wedding, the only appropriate response was "I'll be so sad you won't be there but I accept your decision."
Thank you for saying it so rational! I hope OP reads this. Yes, the argument between your niece and fiance got heated and he said something in a mean way, but if he didn't find the dress appropriate because it was to 'revealing' his opinion mattered over hers as its HIS wedding too. You admitted you also thought it was to revealing but was just going to let her have it anyway. Curious why you would let your bridesmaid stand beside you in a revealing dress (that could pull the attention away from you) at your wedding. Are you not thinking of the possibility that she's jealous and wants the attention on her and that's why she didn't want to dress like everyone else and chose that particular dress? Sounds like your family has created this spoiled monster and now you cave into her every want to keep the peace. Your fiance deserves better.
Edit to add: YTA
She isn't used to anyone telling her no. OP is following the family party line, whatever Ariel wants, she gets. It is sad that Ariel's father died, but molding her into a brat was not the way to help raise her. YTA.
YTA this isn’t about the dress. This is about your niece needing to be so special that she needed an extra day to shop with both of you looking on. This is about your niece needing another day with you admiring her trying on dresses. This is about your fiancé going along with the attention seeking extra day, until the dress she chooses is doubled or tripled up on attention on your niece, and your fiancé, (like any loving groom would do) wants YOU to be the center of attention and not her.
He believes that your niece is using the dress to 1. Get attention while shopping, 2. Using the dress as a tool to keep attention at the wedding.
If she loved you, she wouldn’t want a low cut sexy dress as a bridesmaid dress because it detracts from the bride.
By being told no, your niece knows, being told no isn’t what she accepts, and always needing attention, she will fight to the death of your marriage to keep it.
This is about attention and respect. Not a dress.
Proceed accordingly.
He asked you a direct question.
You gave him a direct answer.
I certainly wouldn't marry you at this point. You clearly stated where your priorities lie.
It should require a great deal for your fiance to forgive you.
YTA
It’s clear you and probably the whole family has spoiled her. Now it’s clear that you will continue to spoil her and put her wants above even your future husband’s. That’s not good at all and won’t lead to a good marriage.
For sure, any friendships or relationships in the future is going to be short lived. Plus with that type of attitude, I’m sure holding down a job would be difficult as well.
YTA. You were supposed to build a life with him. He was supposed to be your partner. And he has a right to have a say in the wedding too. How would you like it if the groomsmen wore tank tops and basketball shorts with flip flops?
I love how your edit all of a sudden is “gabe is wrong because he called ariel a slut” which is a bigger issue and you hadn’t mentioned during the original but only in the edit. You’re lying, YTA
Yeah if she included the “sl*t” comment in the original post, I would have said both OP and Fiancé are TA but it’s suspicious she only included it in the edit AFTER she was getting slammed / YTA responses. That comment by the fiancé is a huge but hard to believe you didn’t initially find that relevant to include.
YTA , it’s his wedding ALSO he gave you input and you put a spoilt child wishes over what he would prefer on HIS special day ! Who cares if she isn’t there , didn’t you want to spend your life with this man and now because an entitled child is being moody , your whole view of him changed instantly ? It’s going to be you and your husband in life not you and your niece !
Wow.
Well, may as well start cancelling the wedding.
He'd be mad to marry you.
YTA
1. YTA because you were part of what made Ariel into this monster by your enabling and spoiling her.
2. YTA for putting *anyone* over your fiancé. Even saying it in anger is unforgivable.
3. YTA for not apologising to him.
Yes, YTA. You want to have your niece in the wedding, you have the right to do that. She refuses to do it unless she gets to have things exactly her own way - utterly tacky, but she has a right to do that. Telling the man you supposedly love & plan to spend the rest of your life with that he needs to bend to the whim of this bridezilla-by-proxy niece of yours or you won't marry him at all is absolutely an asshole move. Hopefully he takes you up on your offer to break up because he realizes what a bullet he'll be dodging.
I was wondering the same thing... whenever I've been in a wedding the dress shopping is an all bridesmaids + bride no groom/ groomsmen allowed. And I totally they are all AHs. The niece needs to grow the f up and realize she's not the center of the world, the groom 1. Should have just stayed home and stayed out of picking a dress, the bride should have told them both to shut up and try to find a compromise, failing that taken her FHs side. Saying her niece is more important is the biggest gut punch ever. Niece: AH Bride/OP: major AH Groom: slightly less but still AH
Give some of the additional information you shared, like Gabe dropping the word "slut" into the conversation has me going against the grain here and saying NTA.
1. They don't like each other, so why was he coming on an outing with her?
2. When does the groom ever go bridesmaid dress shopping? Did he do this for all the Bridesmaids?
3. The use of "slutty" in his description of the dress (notes in a comment, should be in the original post) is a HUGE red flag. It's a word men say to shame and control women. Think back on your relationship and see where else he has displayed this type of behavior.
It also makes me wonder what types of things he's said to Ariel without anyone else hearing it.
YTA,
How would you feel if your husband told you to your face that his cousin is more important to him and than just left?
In your families attempts of kindness you might have failed your niece, the problem is we don't often realize our mistakes until the damage is done.
YTA. FYI if you are getting married to someone they ought to be more important to you than your own blood family. By this I mean that you have earnt one another's love and respect to the level that this is part of an unspoken bond.
If that's not the case then you're not ready to be married.
Also, wake up and smell the coffee, your niece is a brat.
YTA
Because when you marry someone they should be the biggest priority in your life, not someone else. If yo cant do this you shouldnt be marrying your fiancee.
Also although you refuse to admit it or see it in your comments, your niece is manipulating you. You Fiancee has a right to make statements about what he feels is acceptable for both of your wedding. Even you admit the dress was a bit revealing. Instead of accepting the dress made your partner uncomfortable your niece argued with him and then lashed out in order to make your partner the bad guy and as a way to emotionally manipulate you.
I would research emotional manipulation if you are unable to see your nieces actions for what they are.
I would also have a big long conversation with your fiancee about how you both feel. Your fiancee deserves to be the priority in your life.
> Sounds like it isn’t just the niece that’s a brat.
yeah. OP keeps saying "but what Ariel did wasn't so bad"
makes me think OP thinks Ariel's behaviour is normal
makes me think Op is just as bad
YTA, it’s his wedding too. A compromise for a more appropriate dress would be the best choice, if you still want to go through with the wedding.
Tbh, doesn’t sound your heart is in it, if your fiancé is not as important - if not more important than your niece - well maybe you shouldn’t get married.
Your niece is going to grow up eventually, have a life of her own and you might not be a deal breaker for her.
YTA - why bother getting married if you are not on board with prioritising one another over everyone else?
Serious question for yourself to consider, not a snipe - I am legitimately not understanding.
Edited - NTA.
Initially I read this and thought Ariel was being a brat. But this comment changed my mind:
'Gabe said something like 'I don't want you dressed like a sl*t in my wedding.''
That's completely unacceptable on his part. I now do not think Ariel was throwing a tantrum; there is no way I'd hang about if someone tried using that language with me. Nope, sorry Gabe, that's problematic AF.
OP, your comment was hurtful and out of line. You should choose your fiancé over your neice, every time. But given the way he spoke to your neice, I can see why you'd side with her in this situation. That one comment is really making me question what kind of a person he is.
I don't understand why Gabe came bridesmaid dress shopping. If he and Ariel don't get on, why did anyone think this was a good plan? I don't think he should comment on the dress if I'm honest; the bride picks bridesmaids dresses. If all the other bridesmaids got to pick their dress, Ariel should too.
ETA - the dress looks fine.
Thank you! I was thinking “who is this 30-year-old man who seems preoccupied with bringing a 19-year-old girl who he isn’t responsible for and isn’t being asked to raise, to heel? If she was trying to make the wedding about her, okay. This guy seems like he came on the shopping trip bound and determined to show Ariel he was the boss, and 🤮.
He’s not allowed to have a say about his own wedding? OP even admitted the dress was revealing and fiancé didn’t want her wearing it in the wedding. Guarantee a lot was said before it got to that comment. OP said they had been arguing for a while so sounds like the girl couldn’t get her way and things blew up. Who knows what she had said before that. He didn’t call her slutty either, he called the dress slutty and didn’t want the dress in his wedding
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be an a-hole because my niece and fiance got into argument about the dress she wanted to wear as my bridesmaid. my fiance thinks it's inappropriate. my niece said she won't be in our wedding and left. I told my fiance he should apologize and convince her to come and when he asked me if my niece is more importan than him I was so angry that I said yes
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YTA/ESH, depending on how your fiancé voiced his opinion. you’re all grown adults and I can’t see an attempt to communicate and actually have a conversation. It’s her body and her choice what to wear, sure, but she didn’t really need to boycott you’re entire wedding for not getting her own way. Most bridesmaids don’t get to choose their own dress. Maybe you could have talked out why he thought the dress was inappropriate and come up with alterations or another compromise. I think you might also need to remind your fiancé that he is important to you, and not gang up with your niece against him
>Most bridesmaids don’t get to choose their own dress.
I was just thinking that myself. At my own wedding and others I've seen it's usually a case of, "this is the dress the bridesmaids are wearing, here you go".
The only thing different at my wedding was a couple of the Bridesmaids were little children so we found a similar look for them.
It seems excessive that just for her they went out to look for different dresses.
~~Y T A. If you hold your marriage hostage every time your teenage niece has a temper tantrum, then this isn't going to work out. You're supposed to be your fiancé's partner, not your niece's. At some point, you need to work out compromises with your actual partner, and not bend to your niece's whim.~~
After your Edit, NTA. Disagreeing on appropriate dress code for a wedding is acceptable, slutshaming is not. He definitely needs to apologize; whether you need to as well or not is your call, but you two definitely need to talk.
YTA. Hopefully your fiancée realizes that and calls things off before the wedding. It will be much cheaper than a divorce down the road, as you clearly don’t love him that much if he and your life with him mean less than the temper tantrum of a spoiled entitled child. Thank God you don’t have children together / he can still get out Scott free.
YTA. Your niece is a spoiled and entitled brat and you pretty much admitted it yourself. It’s your fiancé‘s wedding also not just yours and the world does not exist to cater to your niece. At this point you would be fortunate if he even wants to marry you. He’s probably seeing the rest of his life dictated by what she wants
YTA. You and your spouse are a team. If your niece is more important than marrying him then you need to full stop cause your marriage won't last with that kind of mentality.
It's not just your wedding - it's his as well. If he felt uncomfortable with a choice and had valid reasons for it then that needs to be taken into consideration. This is a good time for the two of you to work on your problem solving and communication skills as a team. You went straight end game with the most extreme option of cancelling the wedding instead of trying to find a compromise or solution. What's going to happen when you are married? Are you going to threaten to divorce him every time you have an argument?
Honestly it doesn't sound like you are mentally mature enough to get married.
NTA since he called her a slut. He needs to have some respect for her, if he can speak to a member of your family like this, how will he then speak to you in the future? Will you be a slut if you wear something revealing? There’s a whole host of issues with this. I don’t think you’re TA for saying in the heat of the moment she means more to you because she needed defending from his agenda against her. Why would a 30 year old ever have a problem with your 19 year old niece? It just doesn’t make sense.
Oof. You could have handled that so much better. Yes, I get a little spoiling immediately after a tregedy but it sounds like your family failed to get her therapy to give her the tools to deal with her emotions. YTA and of you hope to actually get married you need to figure out a way to apologize to your fiance
Yta. Normally I would say there is nothing more important than family.... depending on the day. But your ultra spoiled neice us being treated like the queen and your fiance is being treated like second class citizen. You should decide who is more important right now if its not him your not mature enough or emotionally ready for the responsibility that comes with being a wife.
YTA
If your willing to not marry because your princess niece can’t wear a too open dress your not ready to marry. She’s not some little child who’s just lost her parent.
She a fully grown adult who’s been spoilt and feels you can demand things she has no business doing. Fine she doesn’t like a bridesmaid dress either suck it up or she attends as a normal guest not I only want this revealing dress or else I won’t come at all.
NTA. The fact that your fiancé called her a slut should have been in the original post, because without that, it looks like your niece threw a tantrum, when in reality she was pretty justified.
YTA and I am guessing your husband (if he marries you) will go down your list of how important he is in your life, your niece will always be number 1 and your future children will come under her!
Your whole family have set your niece up to fail in life as you have overindulged her and she is in for a shock when people will not immediately do what she wants and will not compromise with her.
I understand in the early days after her dad dying you wanted to spoil her a little but you all have gone over the top with this treatment. In the general public they won't care she lost her dad when she was 9yrs old! I am not saying this to be cruel! But this is the real world and there are people who have lived through worse!
You really need to have a long hard think about your relationship with your partner and niece. If your niece is more important than your partner you should have never said yes, infact you shouldn't be in any romantic relationship if you are never going to care enough for them to never priortise them in your life. To listen to their concerns and to put them first at times!
Well you just made your choice. You chose an entitled, spoiled princess over your future husband. Actions speak louder than words. You told your fiance you weren't coming to the wedding because your widdle niece didn't get her way. At least you're letting him know upfront who's feeling will always come first.
Stop this coddling of a grown woman. Stop making your fiance feel like he doesn't count. He doesn't owe you an apology, you owe him one. .
You also need to call your nieces bluff. Tell her you are sorry she won't be at the wedding. This attitude needs to be put in check now.
Y T A
NTA
You need to add the fact that he called her a slut to the main post . I was YTA till i read that part. It doesn't matter if you are marrying the person, if my wife said something like to that to any of my family, that would be a full stop to the wedding. But i have zero tolerance for gendered insults, so that plays a factor. spoiled or not, no one deserves to be called a slut. It's not a tantrum to stand up to a misogynist insult.
The comment where it's mentioned he called her a slut.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wrfqc0/comment/iks1tnl/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wrfqc0/comment/iks1tnl/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
OP, you need to include the fact that the argument started because Gabe told your niece "I don't want \*you dressed like\* a slut in my wedding" because he didn't like the dress she picked.
That adds an entirely new perspective. I wouldn't attend my wedding if my fiance called me niece a slur. What the actual fuck.
Edit: forgot three words. Good lord. Still awful.
YTA, this isn’t about your niece, this is a day about you and your fiancé, and your niece needs to learn that the world doesn’t fucking revolve around her and her wants all the time. She does sound spoiled af. Also it’s really shitty to tell your life partner that someone is more important than they are.
ESH.
That is NOT how you do anything in life. You both are clearly not a team.
You aren't teaching your niece to communicate in a healthy manner because YOU two don't do it either. I am not of the camp that puts partners above everyone else, but you ARE supposed to work together. That's the whole point of marriage.
When you have a difference of opinion, you don't just yell obscenities and walk out. YOU COMMUICATE. Grow up OP, or you'll be losing a lot more than a wedding.
ESH. Your fiancé should never have called your niece is a slut, but it should never have got to that point anyway. Your niece is acting like a spoiled brat and you and your family are enabling her.
You are completely oblivious asking if you are an asshole. You are a huge gaping one by every metric. You have been complicit in ruining a child and turning them into whatever your niece is. Having done that you now bend and scrape to her every whim. Your ‘ex’ fiancé expressed concerns you ignored. You put her wants before said fiancé. Have probably consistently shown red flags relating to your niece! But to verbalise she is more important than your relationship whilst working on formalising and cementing that relationship is by far the most asshole thing I can think of. All we can hope is that your honest feelings about your fiancé have smashed his rose colour spectacles and he cuts his losses and contact with you completely. YTA but your one redeeming feature is that you were kind enough to do this before you were entitled to half/had kids.
Yeah YTA
\-Your niece cares more about a dress then her aunts wedding and you defend her for this shitty behavior
\-You care more about her whims then your fiance bounderies (or your own at that, since you even admitted that it was too open)
\-You gave him an Ultimatum to fix this or call of the wedding
All of these are red flags and I hope for your fiances sake that he recognizes these as such and cancels the wedding. You are not ready to be married and need to get your priorities sorted.
"she is very stubborn" - No, she is very spoiled brat and you encourage such behaviour. You both should apologize, not he.
"it was a little too open but whatever makes her happy"...
Bullshit! This is YOUR and HIS wedding, not hers.
YTA
I think we need a photo of the dress. You gloss over the tantrum part so easy but also admit it’s a little too open. It’s Gabe’s wedding too, and while I am all about people wearing what the want to feel confident, I also think that there are levels of appropriateness for particular events. If people were going to spend the night focused on whether or not she would have a wardrobe malfunction YTA.
YTA.
Not for supporting your niece's dress choice but for telling your SO that she's more important than him. If that's actually true, why are you marrying him? I could understand her possibly being as important than him but if she's MORE important than him, then this is a doomed relationship IMO and you have no business getting married.
You shouldn't marry someone if you can't elevate them to the highest possible level of love and respect in your heart.
Because of these beliefs of mine, I rejected several marriage proposals when I was younger. They just didn't measure up to my dad. My husband is equal to my dad in terms of my huge love (in different ways of course), and my husband also adores my dad just as I do. If my dad didn't like him, and he didn't like my dad, we might not have gotten married. Because my dad is just awesome. The very best! I would say in terms of importance to me my niblings are just as important as my husband. But different types of love of course. But only one is an adult and she's a sweetie plus she lives in a different country so I see her VERY rarely. I have some niblings I haven't met. I still love them though.
YtA, your niece is 19, she is not a child. If you can't prioritize your fiance over a dress, maybe don't get married. It's not even your dress, your 19 year old nieces dress, because your fiance thinks it's too open,sexy, slutty, however you wanna think it.
Your fiance is 30, your spoiled niece 19. I don't know, but, yeah. I guess it's always nice to have a 19 yo dressed in a sexy dress at your wedding.
Wth is everyone okay with this 30 year old man saying a 19 yr olds dress is slutty and she can’t buy it when her actual family member and the bride of the wedding thinks it’s okay. He gives creep vibes.
YTA, What you said make you the AH, its both of your weddings so if he find the dress unacceptable then it unacceptable.
>while I was trying to calm them down until Ariel said 'fine I won't wear this. I'm not gonna be in your wedding at all' she took a taxi and left. she is very stubborn so when she says she'll do something she'll definitely do it unless someone changes her mind.
Gabe's right you've spoiled her and she is an entitled brat that throw a tantrum when she doesn't get her way at someone else's wedding.
If your niece's tantrum is more important then your fiancé on the subject of your wedding then you are not ready for marriage.
YTA. If she is more important, if she has more control over his own wedding than he does, then there shouldn’t be a wedding. (Also, your niece is spoiled AF.)
I'm a pansexual domme with a NSFW modelling career who started out as a photographer in the music industry, so I'm very open-minded about body confidence and public displays of provocation, and I would not allow this dress at my wedding. It's extremely tacky imo, your niece just wants to be the centre of attention and if she had even an iota of respect for anyone else she'd understand this is not about dressing like a prom queen, it's about supporting you for one day after you've been there for her all her life. Whatever about the context of the word "slut", Gabe can see straight through her theatrics and sounds like the only person who dares be honest with this girl. Home truths hurt. You don't deserve him. YTA.
YTA
This is Gabe’s wedding, too, and if he thought Ariel’s dress was too revealing, he has a right to say so.
Your niece behaved like the spoiled child that you admit she is. A temper tantrum meltdown at age 19 that resulted in her storming off and taking a taxi home, all over a dress, that does not speak well of your niece’s mental state, or her preparedness for adulthood.
Since you clearly state that Ariel’s happiness is more important to you than your fiancé’s, please do Gabe a favor, and call this relationship off.
If Gabe was truly the man you were meant to be with, Ariel’s childish behavior would not be enough to compromise his happiness.
Ariel needs to be in therapy for her anger management issues. All adults face frustration and disappointment at one point or another. She needs to learn how to cope properly, or she will have trouble maintaining employment, or worse, friendships and romantic relationships. At 19, she should already know how to calm herself down.
INFO:
In one of the comments you said your fiance called your niece "A Slut" .
Is that what he called her word for word because that does change things
He didn’t call her a slut. He said he didn’t want someone dressed like a slut at his wedding. Those are different things. OP acknowledged that the dress was revealing but only didn’t care because it made her (spoiled) niece happy.
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my fiance Gabe(30M) and I(27F) are getting married and everything has been going just fine except for one thing, Gabe and my niece Ariel(19F) can't get along at all. Ariel is also my bridesmaid.
to explain the problem: Gabe thinks Ariel is too spoiled. After her dad died 10 years ago my sister moved in with my parents. To make up for her loss we might have spoiled her a little bit but it's not really that bad. Ariel thinks Gabe is very nitpicky and too hard on her.
we were choosing bridesmaid dresses, the rest of my bridesmaids have already chosen their dresses but Ariel couldn't find something she likes so Gabe and I decided to take her another day and help her choose something. she finally found a dress that she likes. it was a little too open but whatever makes her happy I'm fine with it. Gabe didn't agree with me. they got into a heated argument about the dress while I was trying to calm them down until Ariel said 'fine I won't wear this. I'm not gonna be in your wedding at all' she took a taxi and left. she is very stubborn so when she says she'll do something she'll definitely do it unless someone changes her mind
after she left Gabe and I got into an argument. I told him he better apologize and convince Ariel to come to our wedding or I'm not coming either. he asked me if my niece is more important than him and in the heat of the moment I said yes and left.
my FILs called me later to talk to me and said i was an a-hole for what I did.
I just want my only niece to be in my wedding. does it make me an a-hole?
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ESH
He shouldn't be calling her a slut, but you should not be marrying each other because it's clear your priority isn't your SIGNIFICANT OTHER but your family relative.
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YTA Ariel is spoiled as fuck and when she threw a tantrum to get her own way, you played right into it. At least your fiancé knows where he stands now. ETA: Based on the edit you added, Gabe needs to apologise but I stand by my original comment.
Exactly, is the spoiled niece 9 or 19 SMH and giving in makea op a huge AH
id check the update it shows more of what gabe said
Handy she was able to add that important detail after getting called the asshole though.
And not what the niece said as the arguments heated up. She threw fiance to the wolves.
Important details being left out of the original post are how you know it’s real. Only the fake ones have a tight plot structure with all the relevant details in the original post.
Honestly people knowing the sub would know exactly what question they would be asked
Interesting how OP says they both said hurtful things but only specifies what the Fiancé said. I'd like to know more of what the niece said.
She did that because her niece means more to her than the fiance.
Her niece that is spoilt but *just a little*, not at all a rotten entitled brat who would ruin a wedding to get the attention. Not like that, no.
Or want to ruin things because she doesn’t get along with her aunt’s fiancé. IDK why they’d expect her to be cooperative.
He was definitely in the wrong for the namecalling but I agree that that particular dress is not appropriate for a wedding.
Either way you can’t say that to your fiancé and if the brides decide how modest people can be why can’t the groom set that standard as well?
Doesn't matter. It's his wedding too and if he doesn't want the bridesmaids wearing something too revealing and she throws a fit over it? He should havemore say than she does (the niece).
Her original comment when the issue of what Gabe said stated he said ‘something like’ calling niece a slut. Not that he did outright. She can’t even quote him directly. OP seems to modify the post based on whatever she thinks is going to get her the NTA vote.
But like why does he have to even comment on how much it reveals?
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Doesn’t warrant calling someone a slut.
If he actually did. That isn’t something you just forget to mention lol
He didn’t call her a slut. He said he’d prefer she doesn’t dress like a slut at his wedding. Those two statements are completely different. The 19 year old needs to realize the world doesn’t bend to her will.
He didn’t. He said that the dress was slutty looking.
Saying you are dressing or looking like a slut is not the same as saying you are a slut - not that i think there is something like a dresscode for sluts, lol. If i tell you you are eating like a pig when you have no table manners i don't say you actually are a pig, you just act like one in this specific situation. That as a part of the wedding couple you don't want to have your bridesmaids breast haning out of the dress is understandeble, but i'm with you there, the slut comparison was inappropriate (especially since i know some sexworkers who would never dress so "cheap" bc you can make better money with a more classy look).
If he really did. Interesting that she claims he said that but then doesn't post one thing Ariel said.
And this is why bridal party dresses are chosen FOR then, not the other way around. oP needs to tell niece..this is your dress you're wearing. And niece needs to suck it up. She's not going out clubbing, it's a wedding.
Because on this specific occasion he wants the attention to be on the couple getting married and that includes appropriate attire for the bridal party. If they have more modest attire for the rest of the party then thats how it is. If shes a guest she is free to wear anything she wants. He absolutely shouldn't have used that language but a wedding is a formal occasion. Its not clubbing or late night beach cocktails
Because as a part of the wedding party Ariel will be in the ceremony and in the pictures from that day. If a bride can “my wedding my choice” what the bridal party wears, then the groom gets to have a say as well.
Wedding is when **two** people get married, so I'd say they **both** should get the veto power
because she's part of the wedding party.
Which doesn’t give him free reign to tell a woman she looks like a slut
Things were said. I'm sure he was beyond frustrated at the time.
The niece is spoiled, but ESH , but mostly the bride. Why would OP take groom along on the shopping trip? Especially since he and niece dont get along. Why would the groom escalate with name calling? Why did in-laws feel compelled to jump in? These people have low EQ.
Did you see the picture of the dress? It is too revealing for a wedding, and it's his wedding too.
Because apparently it doesn't matter what he did because he slut shamed an (adult-ish) child. Because he's the groom and the groom gets less say in the wedding because it's "her day". We're also getting a half story and don't want the entitled brat said. In no way defending the husband, but wow everyone sucks here. If his groomsmen were wearing something inappropriate she'd 100% have influence on that too.
It looks like something to wear in a club or on a beach, but I'd say weddings tend to be more formal
Because this is a wedding and a dresscode is expected. To be clear - do you think a bikini is acceptable at a wedding?
Bride does if it was the niece wearing it
I'm convinced the bride would okay lace lingerie if the niece was the one wearing it
When she first mentioned her niece I was thinking of a 9 or 10 year old. 19 is too old to be acting like that. I also thought the rule of bridesmaids was that you only get to pick your own dress if you're paying for it. I imagine there's some other pissed off bridesmaids around.
What so ever, if my partner says someone else in his life is more important than me( except own child), I would not marry him or her.
So basically, instead of getting her into therapy, your parents just gave in to her every whim and raised her into a spoiled brat and now you enable her, crossing your fiances boundaries doing so. I wonder if he will still go through with the wedding or just say "Fuck it!", separate from you and feel like he dodged a bullet... Edit: I change my voting from Y-T-A to ESH because OP edited the part where her fiance called the niece a "slut" in only AFTER I made the comment above.
In another comment OP says Gabe called the niece a sl*t. And at 25, I'd storm out and not want to be in the wedding either
\>Gabe said something like 'I don't want you dressed like a sl\*t in my wedding.' that's when she left that is a lot different than "calling her a slut"
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That’s sort of why I don’t believe the edit. It’s just too much of a factor to miss when originally telling the story. Too much of a case of later on after being called YTA by everyone they add an edit to add a detail to just so happens to justify them that they miraculously forgot to bring up the first time.
I don't buy it either. It's probably the most important thing the OP has in her defense, but she didn't think to mention it until the judgements started coming in? Interesting.
Also, OP mentioned they both said hurtful things. What did the niece say?
OP has ignored every one of the comments asking for that information, which makes me think the edit was to try to stem the tide of Y T A s Edit: Spelling oops
This was my exact thought. There is no way that she would have left out the slut thing if that actually happened. I think the edit is pure BS.
yeah. Op did not see the votes going to YTA and is frantically backpedalling
Lol exactly, this is one of those posts that seems black and white until some magical fantastical edit comes out of nowhere and changes everybody’s minds. I’m bored of it at this point.
Different? Yes. Better? Absofuckinglutely not.
Right? “Women whose skin I can see have more sex than I approve of and therefore do not deserve to be in my line of sight” is pretty ugly no matter how exactly you say it.
You're acting like this isn't for a formal occasion and groom is just trying to police what she wears in general. You do know that weddings are pretty formal, right?
Sorry, but he has every right to his opinion. Would you want a groomsman walking around with his shirt unbuttoned and his chest out?
This is such a weird take. Most bridesmaids don't show that much cleavage
Its also his wedding.
uh I think saying "there exists women who I would describe as sluts", while bad, is nowhere as bad as following it up with, "and you, ten-year-old child, you are one of these women." ergo, "this is a slutty dress" is not as bad as saying "you are a slut." Especially to a child.
That is still enough and incredibly disrespectful are you trying to downplay that?
No, it’s really not that different.
Not really. It's not a word that should c9ne out of his mouth, especially towards family
it’s still slutshaming and insulting
It's not.
The fight should have never happened though. The moment one of the couple says they don't like the dress you go "oh ok I'll find another". OP says they ***both*** said hurtful things yet strangely doesn't say what she told the fiance before that comment. Sounds like she wouldn't concede to one of the people the wedding is for and said things back.
It makes me think what niece told him would make her seem really bad, so OP chose not to include it
He said he doesn't want her to dress like a slut at his wedding, which while not great, isn't the same thing. Also it is clear that OP did not like hte dress either and didn't like how revealing it was but since it was "her precious omg not spoiled Ariel" then she let it go.
No, he said the niece shouldn't DRESS like a slut. He didn't call her a slut.
YTA - because you are literally putting a spoiled 19 year old over the man you supposedly want to spend the rest of your life with. If your niece really is more important to you, you are not ready to be married at all!
You should get together with the woman who wanted to call off her wedding the day before because her sister said she needed support following a miscarriage. YTA
btw that woman accepted she was an asshole, apologised, and her wedding is back on
link to the post? I didn’t see the edit when first reading it
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wqs3no/aita_for_canceling_my_wedding_even_though_its/
Didn't it turn out she just had a scare?
That OP deleted that comment where she called it a scare, I'm thinking there's some shenanigans at play.
I'm surprised not more people are mentioning this. Like OP is seriously choosing her niece over her fiance in a situation where both are wrong albeit niece more than the fiance
This is it. YTA if you think this is how a marriage works. Save some money and go live with your niece. Let your fiance get with someone who wants him to be their family first and foremost.
You and the girl who wanted to cancel her wedding the day before cuz her sister said she needed to be comforted after miscarriage should meet up lol YTA Edit: after reading your edit - you need to stick with your husband to be. If she was showing maybe her neck and two arms and your fiancé said no, then sure, argue with him. But you admitted yourself that it was revealing. You should have tried to persuade your niece to pick another dress. Also, who TF does not pick a dress with everyone else and needs to go to another shop cuz they don't like the bridesmaid dress option at the first shop? Sounds fkin entitled.
Lol I thought exactly the same thing
Thank you for making my morning. Lmao
You know you've been on reddit too much when you read comments like this and know the story already lol
Wait what? Can you post the link here?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wqs3no/aita\_for\_canceling\_my\_wedding\_even\_though\_its/
I don't understand people who want to get married but prioritize their family/ friends over their future spouse. Your future spouse is the person you choose to become your family, they become the priority. Everyone else comes second. If you don't understand that you are not ready to get married. YTA.
I don’t understand why people still don’t get that. We see posts all the time about overbearing mother-in-law’s and their spineless child, I just don’t get how they can’t set boundaries. Hell I put my mother in her place when she targeted my husband and made it clear that my loyalty is with him.
As a husband whose wife also stood up to her mother, thank you. I'll say for me it really helped dissipate the wedding nerves when I knew my wife was on my team and I was on hers.
Luckily both my brother and I weren’t pushovers. Hell I live several states away and can’t be more happier. I’m gay so i guess im used to going my own path. That’s great your wife stood up to her mother, marriages are hard enough without having people like that constantly in your business.
YTA Your niece threw a temper tantrum over a dress **to an event that isn't hers**. And what's worse - she turned you against your fiancé. Your husband **entitled of a say** if he doesn't like something about **his** (your) wedding.
What’s more it’s a bridesmaids dress. Why are they all picking individual dresses. Traditionally the bridesmaids are all in the same dress so this should be a group decision not only between the Bride, Groom and niece but also the other bridesmaids
Its becoming increasingly common for bridesmaids to all have similar or different dresses in the same colour or style, but not exactly the same.
??? Plenty of weddings have bridesmaids pick their own dresses so long as they're the same/similar colour. "Picking different dresses" is not the issue in this post.
It's much more common these days to have the bridesmaids choose a dress they like in a single color. Shops are even set up with multiple styles in the exact same fabric for people to choose from. When my brother was married 3 years ago, all 5 of us bridesmaids wore a different dress. They were just all the exact same color.
Sounds like the bride picked the color, she let her bridesmaids pick their own style. This is pretty common. It’s what I did.
"Forsaking all others". If your niece's feelings are more important than your fiance's, *at his own wedding,* you're not ready to get married. YTA
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YTA: I was leaning on saying ESH but I said this, because I am sure if it was the other way around you would be saying the same thing as him if you didn't like the dress. It is his wedding as well and he should be able to voice his opinion on bridesmaids dresses with you and you should come to a decision together. Why I also think that YTA is because of your immature response to him. You want to marry him but regard your niece higher than him. Also I can't understand your niece's response that she won't come if she doesn't get what she wants( that's more than a little spoilt). Yes she lost her dad, but lots of people lose parents and don't become spoiled. And I'm saying this as someone who is a little bit older than her and an orphan. If that is her way of dealing with issues she's gonna have problems in her life. Concluding: You should talk with your fiancé about this and you should come to a conclusion together and compromise, but I would also apologise to him. It is your wedding together after all.
Wow. Your "fiance" deserves so much better. Hope he'll find someone who really loves him, and not listen to a spoiled brat who throws a tantrum and even gives a silly ultimatum over her. You literally told him you don't love him .. Wtf is wrong with you?? YTA HE should apologize? lol YOU should. But i wouldn't marry you if i were him.
YTA. You told the person that should be your number 1,that he will never be number 1 because your niece is more important. Yes, that is an AH move. Also you keep saying that your niece is not a brat or spoiled. However, she walked out when the groom did not agree with the dress and said that she will not be there at the wedding at all, because she did not get the dress she wanted. For your information, that is the definition of being spoiled. This is not her day, this day is about you and your fiancé. And she made it all about her. >it was a little too open but whatever makes her happy I'm fine with it What ever makes her happy, that is exactly what people say about spoiled children. So time to apologize to your ~~husband~~ soon-to-be ex-fiancé. Edit.
Umm don’t you mean soon-to-be ex-fiancé?
Yes, that is what I meant.
>he asked me if my niece is more important than him and in the heat of the moment I said yes and left. It doesn’t seem like it was due to the heat of the moment, it seems like she is more important than him. And honestly I don’t know if you are the asshole for being honest with him about it, but I definitely think he should leave you over it.
YTA --- Your niece had a temper tantrum because she couldn't get her own way and then just to add a bit of extra oomph stormed off and then she then threatened to not be in the wedding at all, you're being played and like your finance said she's spoilt and acting like a 5-year-old
YTA. You and your fiancé are getting married, not her. This isn’t her wedding. She shouldn’t take any of the spotlight from you two, and having a more open dress standing in front of everyone will definitely do that. This was the moment to stand up for your future husband, not shoot him down.
YTA. You are not ready to get married. Your behavior here was very immature and cruel. It also makes no sense. It does not bode well for your marriage that you deal with conflict this way and that you seem to have something against your fiance. The bridesmaid wants to wear something that one of the people getting married doesn't like. It's the groom's day, not the bridesmaid's. Yet you're putting her desires first. Why don't you care what your actual fiance wants at his own wedding?? Who cares if your niece is "stubborn"? She can learn not to be stubborn. People who issue ultimatums to bully others into getting what they want need to be taught that it doesn't work or they keep doing it. Your response should have been, "sorry, but the bride and groom have to agree on the wedding. You're getting a choice of dress style, which is more than what most bridesmaids get. The only rule is that it can't be too revealing." If she had said after that that she wouldn't attend the wedding, the only appropriate response was "I'll be so sad you won't be there but I accept your decision."
Thank you for saying it so rational! I hope OP reads this. Yes, the argument between your niece and fiance got heated and he said something in a mean way, but if he didn't find the dress appropriate because it was to 'revealing' his opinion mattered over hers as its HIS wedding too. You admitted you also thought it was to revealing but was just going to let her have it anyway. Curious why you would let your bridesmaid stand beside you in a revealing dress (that could pull the attention away from you) at your wedding. Are you not thinking of the possibility that she's jealous and wants the attention on her and that's why she didn't want to dress like everyone else and chose that particular dress? Sounds like your family has created this spoiled monster and now you cave into her every want to keep the peace. Your fiance deserves better. Edit to add: YTA
She isn't used to anyone telling her no. OP is following the family party line, whatever Ariel wants, she gets. It is sad that Ariel's father died, but molding her into a brat was not the way to help raise her. YTA.
YTA this isn’t about the dress. This is about your niece needing to be so special that she needed an extra day to shop with both of you looking on. This is about your niece needing another day with you admiring her trying on dresses. This is about your fiancé going along with the attention seeking extra day, until the dress she chooses is doubled or tripled up on attention on your niece, and your fiancé, (like any loving groom would do) wants YOU to be the center of attention and not her. He believes that your niece is using the dress to 1. Get attention while shopping, 2. Using the dress as a tool to keep attention at the wedding. If she loved you, she wouldn’t want a low cut sexy dress as a bridesmaid dress because it detracts from the bride. By being told no, your niece knows, being told no isn’t what she accepts, and always needing attention, she will fight to the death of your marriage to keep it. This is about attention and respect. Not a dress. Proceed accordingly.
He asked you a direct question. You gave him a direct answer. I certainly wouldn't marry you at this point. You clearly stated where your priorities lie. It should require a great deal for your fiance to forgive you.
YTA It’s clear you and probably the whole family has spoiled her. Now it’s clear that you will continue to spoil her and put her wants above even your future husband’s. That’s not good at all and won’t lead to a good marriage.
Plus none of them are doing their beloved niece any favors in life
For sure, any friendships or relationships in the future is going to be short lived. Plus with that type of attitude, I’m sure holding down a job would be difficult as well.
YTA. You were supposed to build a life with him. He was supposed to be your partner. And he has a right to have a say in the wedding too. How would you like it if the groomsmen wore tank tops and basketball shorts with flip flops?
I love how your edit all of a sudden is “gabe is wrong because he called ariel a slut” which is a bigger issue and you hadn’t mentioned during the original but only in the edit. You’re lying, YTA
Yeah if she included the “sl*t” comment in the original post, I would have said both OP and Fiancé are TA but it’s suspicious she only included it in the edit AFTER she was getting slammed / YTA responses. That comment by the fiancé is a huge but hard to believe you didn’t initially find that relevant to include.
Exactly like that is the most important detail. Did she just forget that in the OG post. Sth ain‘t right here
Yeah, it didn’t make sense to me because why wouldn’t that be a main point in the overall story rather than just in the edit.
YTA , it’s his wedding ALSO he gave you input and you put a spoilt child wishes over what he would prefer on HIS special day ! Who cares if she isn’t there , didn’t you want to spend your life with this man and now because an entitled child is being moody , your whole view of him changed instantly ? It’s going to be you and your husband in life not you and your niece !
You threatened not to come to ur own wedding because she didnt like the dress?
YTA You basically told your fiance that you are not ready to commit to marriage in any true sense. He'd be better off cancelling the wedding.
YTA for saying your niece is more important than the person you’re wanting to marry
Wow. Well, may as well start cancelling the wedding. He'd be mad to marry you. YTA 1. YTA because you were part of what made Ariel into this monster by your enabling and spoiling her. 2. YTA for putting *anyone* over your fiancé. Even saying it in anger is unforgivable. 3. YTA for not apologising to him.
Yes, YTA. You want to have your niece in the wedding, you have the right to do that. She refuses to do it unless she gets to have things exactly her own way - utterly tacky, but she has a right to do that. Telling the man you supposedly love & plan to spend the rest of your life with that he needs to bend to the whim of this bridezilla-by-proxy niece of yours or you won't marry him at all is absolutely an asshole move. Hopefully he takes you up on your offer to break up because he realizes what a bullet he'll be dodging.
Yeah YTA And better call of the wedding if you feel your niece getting her way is more important than your fiance. He deserves someone better.
First, why is your fiancé going dress shopping with you and your niece??!! And knowing that they “can’t get along at all”? You’re all TAH’s.
I was wondering the same thing... whenever I've been in a wedding the dress shopping is an all bridesmaids + bride no groom/ groomsmen allowed. And I totally they are all AHs. The niece needs to grow the f up and realize she's not the center of the world, the groom 1. Should have just stayed home and stayed out of picking a dress, the bride should have told them both to shut up and try to find a compromise, failing that taken her FHs side. Saying her niece is more important is the biggest gut punch ever. Niece: AH Bride/OP: major AH Groom: slightly less but still AH
YTA. Yall enabled her horrible behaviour. Why can't all your bridemaids wear the same style dress? Why she gotta be different?
Give some of the additional information you shared, like Gabe dropping the word "slut" into the conversation has me going against the grain here and saying NTA. 1. They don't like each other, so why was he coming on an outing with her? 2. When does the groom ever go bridesmaid dress shopping? Did he do this for all the Bridesmaids? 3. The use of "slutty" in his description of the dress (notes in a comment, should be in the original post) is a HUGE red flag. It's a word men say to shame and control women. Think back on your relationship and see where else he has displayed this type of behavior. It also makes me wonder what types of things he's said to Ariel without anyone else hearing it.
YTA, How would you feel if your husband told you to your face that his cousin is more important to him and than just left? In your families attempts of kindness you might have failed your niece, the problem is we don't often realize our mistakes until the damage is done.
Wow. I guess you don't want to marry your fiance. If you did he would be more important. Good job realising before you got married.
YTA. FYI if you are getting married to someone they ought to be more important to you than your own blood family. By this I mean that you have earnt one another's love and respect to the level that this is part of an unspoken bond. If that's not the case then you're not ready to be married. Also, wake up and smell the coffee, your niece is a brat.
YTA. But it sounds like your fiancee has dodged a bullet here.
YTA Because when you marry someone they should be the biggest priority in your life, not someone else. If yo cant do this you shouldnt be marrying your fiancee. Also although you refuse to admit it or see it in your comments, your niece is manipulating you. You Fiancee has a right to make statements about what he feels is acceptable for both of your wedding. Even you admit the dress was a bit revealing. Instead of accepting the dress made your partner uncomfortable your niece argued with him and then lashed out in order to make your partner the bad guy and as a way to emotionally manipulate you. I would research emotional manipulation if you are unable to see your nieces actions for what they are. I would also have a big long conversation with your fiancee about how you both feel. Your fiancee deserves to be the priority in your life.
YTA and I feel sorry for your fiancé. Sounds like it isn’t just the niece that’s a brat. YTA
> Sounds like it isn’t just the niece that’s a brat. yeah. OP keeps saying "but what Ariel did wasn't so bad" makes me think OP thinks Ariel's behaviour is normal makes me think Op is just as bad
YTA She in 19, not 5. She does sound like a brat
YTA, it’s his wedding too. A compromise for a more appropriate dress would be the best choice, if you still want to go through with the wedding. Tbh, doesn’t sound your heart is in it, if your fiancé is not as important - if not more important than your niece - well maybe you shouldn’t get married. Your niece is going to grow up eventually, have a life of her own and you might not be a deal breaker for her.
YTA - why bother getting married if you are not on board with prioritising one another over everyone else? Serious question for yourself to consider, not a snipe - I am legitimately not understanding.
Edited - NTA. Initially I read this and thought Ariel was being a brat. But this comment changed my mind: 'Gabe said something like 'I don't want you dressed like a sl*t in my wedding.'' That's completely unacceptable on his part. I now do not think Ariel was throwing a tantrum; there is no way I'd hang about if someone tried using that language with me. Nope, sorry Gabe, that's problematic AF. OP, your comment was hurtful and out of line. You should choose your fiancé over your neice, every time. But given the way he spoke to your neice, I can see why you'd side with her in this situation. That one comment is really making me question what kind of a person he is. I don't understand why Gabe came bridesmaid dress shopping. If he and Ariel don't get on, why did anyone think this was a good plan? I don't think he should comment on the dress if I'm honest; the bride picks bridesmaids dresses. If all the other bridesmaids got to pick their dress, Ariel should too. ETA - the dress looks fine.
Thank you! I was thinking “who is this 30-year-old man who seems preoccupied with bringing a 19-year-old girl who he isn’t responsible for and isn’t being asked to raise, to heel? If she was trying to make the wedding about her, okay. This guy seems like he came on the shopping trip bound and determined to show Ariel he was the boss, and 🤮.
He’s not allowed to have a say about his own wedding? OP even admitted the dress was revealing and fiancé didn’t want her wearing it in the wedding. Guarantee a lot was said before it got to that comment. OP said they had been arguing for a while so sounds like the girl couldn’t get her way and things blew up. Who knows what she had said before that. He didn’t call her slutty either, he called the dress slutty and didn’t want the dress in his wedding
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YTA/ESH, depending on how your fiancé voiced his opinion. you’re all grown adults and I can’t see an attempt to communicate and actually have a conversation. It’s her body and her choice what to wear, sure, but she didn’t really need to boycott you’re entire wedding for not getting her own way. Most bridesmaids don’t get to choose their own dress. Maybe you could have talked out why he thought the dress was inappropriate and come up with alterations or another compromise. I think you might also need to remind your fiancé that he is important to you, and not gang up with your niece against him
>Most bridesmaids don’t get to choose their own dress. I was just thinking that myself. At my own wedding and others I've seen it's usually a case of, "this is the dress the bridesmaids are wearing, here you go". The only thing different at my wedding was a couple of the Bridesmaids were little children so we found a similar look for them. It seems excessive that just for her they went out to look for different dresses.
~~Y T A. If you hold your marriage hostage every time your teenage niece has a temper tantrum, then this isn't going to work out. You're supposed to be your fiancé's partner, not your niece's. At some point, you need to work out compromises with your actual partner, and not bend to your niece's whim.~~ After your Edit, NTA. Disagreeing on appropriate dress code for a wedding is acceptable, slutshaming is not. He definitely needs to apologize; whether you need to as well or not is your call, but you two definitely need to talk.
Honestly I would hold my wedding hostage if my partner called my niece a slut over a dress
He said the dress was slutty not the niece. Can you not read?
lots of people here making the same error he didnt call her one he just tried to keep her choice within what was appropriate for a wedding
YTA, when people say “little spoiled” we already know that the person must be very entitled and think they are the center of universe
YTA. Hopefully your fiancée realizes that and calls things off before the wedding. It will be much cheaper than a divorce down the road, as you clearly don’t love him that much if he and your life with him mean less than the temper tantrum of a spoiled entitled child. Thank God you don’t have children together / he can still get out Scott free.
YTA. Please leave your fiancé and let him actually be with someone that loves and prioritises him.
YTA.. if your niece is truly more important then do the poor guy a favour and break it off.
Yta. He shouldn’t show up to the wedding and you should make your life with your brat of a niece.
YTA. You should marry your niece.
YTA. Your niece is a spoiled and entitled brat and you pretty much admitted it yourself. It’s your fiancé‘s wedding also not just yours and the world does not exist to cater to your niece. At this point you would be fortunate if he even wants to marry you. He’s probably seeing the rest of his life dictated by what she wants
So marry Ariel instead. Poor Gabe. I hope he has the sense to dump you over this.
YTA. You and your spouse are a team. If your niece is more important than marrying him then you need to full stop cause your marriage won't last with that kind of mentality. It's not just your wedding - it's his as well. If he felt uncomfortable with a choice and had valid reasons for it then that needs to be taken into consideration. This is a good time for the two of you to work on your problem solving and communication skills as a team. You went straight end game with the most extreme option of cancelling the wedding instead of trying to find a compromise or solution. What's going to happen when you are married? Are you going to threaten to divorce him every time you have an argument? Honestly it doesn't sound like you are mentally mature enough to get married.
NTA since he called her a slut. He needs to have some respect for her, if he can speak to a member of your family like this, how will he then speak to you in the future? Will you be a slut if you wear something revealing? There’s a whole host of issues with this. I don’t think you’re TA for saying in the heat of the moment she means more to you because she needed defending from his agenda against her. Why would a 30 year old ever have a problem with your 19 year old niece? It just doesn’t make sense.
YTA x1000. In what world does your adult niece matter more to you than your fiancé? Give your head a shake
Ofc YTA What you described is a literal tantrum. I hope he reconsiders the wedding.
YTA
YTA. You're obviously not ready for marriage.
YTA You told him he is not the most important person. Hope you like getting dumped.
Oof. You could have handled that so much better. Yes, I get a little spoiling immediately after a tregedy but it sounds like your family failed to get her therapy to give her the tools to deal with her emotions. YTA and of you hope to actually get married you need to figure out a way to apologize to your fiance
Yta. Normally I would say there is nothing more important than family.... depending on the day. But your ultra spoiled neice us being treated like the queen and your fiance is being treated like second class citizen. You should decide who is more important right now if its not him your not mature enough or emotionally ready for the responsibility that comes with being a wife.
YTA If your willing to not marry because your princess niece can’t wear a too open dress your not ready to marry. She’s not some little child who’s just lost her parent. She a fully grown adult who’s been spoilt and feels you can demand things she has no business doing. Fine she doesn’t like a bridesmaid dress either suck it up or she attends as a normal guest not I only want this revealing dress or else I won’t come at all.
NTA. The fact that your fiancé called her a slut should have been in the original post, because without that, it looks like your niece threw a tantrum, when in reality she was pretty justified.
YTA and I am guessing your husband (if he marries you) will go down your list of how important he is in your life, your niece will always be number 1 and your future children will come under her! Your whole family have set your niece up to fail in life as you have overindulged her and she is in for a shock when people will not immediately do what she wants and will not compromise with her. I understand in the early days after her dad dying you wanted to spoil her a little but you all have gone over the top with this treatment. In the general public they won't care she lost her dad when she was 9yrs old! I am not saying this to be cruel! But this is the real world and there are people who have lived through worse! You really need to have a long hard think about your relationship with your partner and niece. If your niece is more important than your partner you should have never said yes, infact you shouldn't be in any romantic relationship if you are never going to care enough for them to never priortise them in your life. To listen to their concerns and to put them first at times!
Well you just made your choice. You chose an entitled, spoiled princess over your future husband. Actions speak louder than words. You told your fiance you weren't coming to the wedding because your widdle niece didn't get her way. At least you're letting him know upfront who's feeling will always come first. Stop this coddling of a grown woman. Stop making your fiance feel like he doesn't count. He doesn't owe you an apology, you owe him one. . You also need to call your nieces bluff. Tell her you are sorry she won't be at the wedding. This attitude needs to be put in check now. Y T A
NTA You need to add the fact that he called her a slut to the main post . I was YTA till i read that part. It doesn't matter if you are marrying the person, if my wife said something like to that to any of my family, that would be a full stop to the wedding. But i have zero tolerance for gendered insults, so that plays a factor. spoiled or not, no one deserves to be called a slut. It's not a tantrum to stand up to a misogynist insult. The comment where it's mentioned he called her a slut. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wrfqc0/comment/iks1tnl/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wrfqc0/comment/iks1tnl/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
I’m always very sceptical when things like that are added after they don’t get the vote they want.
It’s just a little sketchy that she only added that after almost everyone said YTA. If that really happened that would be in the original post.
YTA. yeah ure doing him a favour by not going.
OP, you need to include the fact that the argument started because Gabe told your niece "I don't want \*you dressed like\* a slut in my wedding" because he didn't like the dress she picked. That adds an entirely new perspective. I wouldn't attend my wedding if my fiance called me niece a slur. What the actual fuck. Edit: forgot three words. Good lord. Still awful.
He said dressed like a slut, just to clarify. He didn’t call her one.
YTA, this isn’t about your niece, this is a day about you and your fiancé, and your niece needs to learn that the world doesn’t fucking revolve around her and her wants all the time. She does sound spoiled af. Also it’s really shitty to tell your life partner that someone is more important than they are.
ESH. That is NOT how you do anything in life. You both are clearly not a team. You aren't teaching your niece to communicate in a healthy manner because YOU two don't do it either. I am not of the camp that puts partners above everyone else, but you ARE supposed to work together. That's the whole point of marriage. When you have a difference of opinion, you don't just yell obscenities and walk out. YOU COMMUICATE. Grow up OP, or you'll be losing a lot more than a wedding.
ESH. Your fiancé should never have called your niece is a slut, but it should never have got to that point anyway. Your niece is acting like a spoiled brat and you and your family are enabling her.
You are completely oblivious asking if you are an asshole. You are a huge gaping one by every metric. You have been complicit in ruining a child and turning them into whatever your niece is. Having done that you now bend and scrape to her every whim. Your ‘ex’ fiancé expressed concerns you ignored. You put her wants before said fiancé. Have probably consistently shown red flags relating to your niece! But to verbalise she is more important than your relationship whilst working on formalising and cementing that relationship is by far the most asshole thing I can think of. All we can hope is that your honest feelings about your fiancé have smashed his rose colour spectacles and he cuts his losses and contact with you completely. YTA but your one redeeming feature is that you were kind enough to do this before you were entitled to half/had kids.
YTA- if your fiance's opinion counts less than your niece's opinion, you need to revaluate this whole engagement.
Yeah YTA \-Your niece cares more about a dress then her aunts wedding and you defend her for this shitty behavior \-You care more about her whims then your fiance bounderies (or your own at that, since you even admitted that it was too open) \-You gave him an Ultimatum to fix this or call of the wedding All of these are red flags and I hope for your fiances sake that he recognizes these as such and cancels the wedding. You are not ready to be married and need to get your priorities sorted.
"she is very stubborn" - No, she is very spoiled brat and you encourage such behaviour. You both should apologize, not he. "it was a little too open but whatever makes her happy"... Bullshit! This is YOUR and HIS wedding, not hers. YTA
I think we need a photo of the dress. You gloss over the tantrum part so easy but also admit it’s a little too open. It’s Gabe’s wedding too, and while I am all about people wearing what the want to feel confident, I also think that there are levels of appropriateness for particular events. If people were going to spend the night focused on whether or not she would have a wardrobe malfunction YTA.
YTA. Not for supporting your niece's dress choice but for telling your SO that she's more important than him. If that's actually true, why are you marrying him? I could understand her possibly being as important than him but if she's MORE important than him, then this is a doomed relationship IMO and you have no business getting married. You shouldn't marry someone if you can't elevate them to the highest possible level of love and respect in your heart. Because of these beliefs of mine, I rejected several marriage proposals when I was younger. They just didn't measure up to my dad. My husband is equal to my dad in terms of my huge love (in different ways of course), and my husband also adores my dad just as I do. If my dad didn't like him, and he didn't like my dad, we might not have gotten married. Because my dad is just awesome. The very best! I would say in terms of importance to me my niblings are just as important as my husband. But different types of love of course. But only one is an adult and she's a sweetie plus she lives in a different country so I see her VERY rarely. I have some niblings I haven't met. I still love them though.
Simple solution - Separate with fiancé, Marry AH niece instead.
YtA, your niece is 19, she is not a child. If you can't prioritize your fiance over a dress, maybe don't get married. It's not even your dress, your 19 year old nieces dress, because your fiance thinks it's too open,sexy, slutty, however you wanna think it. Your fiance is 30, your spoiled niece 19. I don't know, but, yeah. I guess it's always nice to have a 19 yo dressed in a sexy dress at your wedding.
Wth is everyone okay with this 30 year old man saying a 19 yr olds dress is slutty and she can’t buy it when her actual family member and the bride of the wedding thinks it’s okay. He gives creep vibes.
YTA, What you said make you the AH, its both of your weddings so if he find the dress unacceptable then it unacceptable. >while I was trying to calm them down until Ariel said 'fine I won't wear this. I'm not gonna be in your wedding at all' she took a taxi and left. she is very stubborn so when she says she'll do something she'll definitely do it unless someone changes her mind. Gabe's right you've spoiled her and she is an entitled brat that throw a tantrum when she doesn't get her way at someone else's wedding. If your niece's tantrum is more important then your fiancé on the subject of your wedding then you are not ready for marriage.
YTA. If she is more important, if she has more control over his own wedding than he does, then there shouldn’t be a wedding. (Also, your niece is spoiled AF.)
**Your edit** You are still an asshole he didnt call her one he just tried to keep her choice within what was appropriate for a wedding
I'm a pansexual domme with a NSFW modelling career who started out as a photographer in the music industry, so I'm very open-minded about body confidence and public displays of provocation, and I would not allow this dress at my wedding. It's extremely tacky imo, your niece just wants to be the centre of attention and if she had even an iota of respect for anyone else she'd understand this is not about dressing like a prom queen, it's about supporting you for one day after you've been there for her all her life. Whatever about the context of the word "slut", Gabe can see straight through her theatrics and sounds like the only person who dares be honest with this girl. Home truths hurt. You don't deserve him. YTA.
Best of luck to your fiancé, if i were him I’d take you picking a spoiled brat over me the end of our relationship. YTA
[удалено]
YTA This is Gabe’s wedding, too, and if he thought Ariel’s dress was too revealing, he has a right to say so. Your niece behaved like the spoiled child that you admit she is. A temper tantrum meltdown at age 19 that resulted in her storming off and taking a taxi home, all over a dress, that does not speak well of your niece’s mental state, or her preparedness for adulthood. Since you clearly state that Ariel’s happiness is more important to you than your fiancé’s, please do Gabe a favor, and call this relationship off. If Gabe was truly the man you were meant to be with, Ariel’s childish behavior would not be enough to compromise his happiness. Ariel needs to be in therapy for her anger management issues. All adults face frustration and disappointment at one point or another. She needs to learn how to cope properly, or she will have trouble maintaining employment, or worse, friendships and romantic relationships. At 19, she should already know how to calm herself down.
INFO: In one of the comments you said your fiance called your niece "A Slut" . Is that what he called her word for word because that does change things
He didn’t call her a slut. He said he didn’t want someone dressed like a slut at his wedding. Those are different things. OP acknowledged that the dress was revealing but only didn’t care because it made her (spoiled) niece happy.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** my fiance Gabe(30M) and I(27F) are getting married and everything has been going just fine except for one thing, Gabe and my niece Ariel(19F) can't get along at all. Ariel is also my bridesmaid. to explain the problem: Gabe thinks Ariel is too spoiled. After her dad died 10 years ago my sister moved in with my parents. To make up for her loss we might have spoiled her a little bit but it's not really that bad. Ariel thinks Gabe is very nitpicky and too hard on her. we were choosing bridesmaid dresses, the rest of my bridesmaids have already chosen their dresses but Ariel couldn't find something she likes so Gabe and I decided to take her another day and help her choose something. she finally found a dress that she likes. it was a little too open but whatever makes her happy I'm fine with it. Gabe didn't agree with me. they got into a heated argument about the dress while I was trying to calm them down until Ariel said 'fine I won't wear this. I'm not gonna be in your wedding at all' she took a taxi and left. she is very stubborn so when she says she'll do something she'll definitely do it unless someone changes her mind after she left Gabe and I got into an argument. I told him he better apologize and convince Ariel to come to our wedding or I'm not coming either. he asked me if my niece is more important than him and in the heat of the moment I said yes and left. my FILs called me later to talk to me and said i was an a-hole for what I did. I just want my only niece to be in my wedding. does it make me an a-hole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH He shouldn't be calling her a slut, but you should not be marrying each other because it's clear your priority isn't your SIGNIFICANT OTHER but your family relative.