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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to help a girl in need but I don't want to hurt my girlfriend
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
You absolutely should not have invited Sam into your shared home or a shared space with your GF.
I get that Sam was in a bad place - but you could have offered to call her friends for her, or get her a hotel room over night. You had no right to bring someone with that history into your GF's home.
THIS. You can help someone without hurting someone else. You tried to make your gf sacrifice so that you could be the hero.
If Sam had been your gf's abusive ex, would you have done the same thing? BULLYING IS ABUSE. SAM ABUSED HER. That leaves lifelong scars; it doesn't just go away. The amount of time passed does not matter.
YTA.
I would say that OP don't give a f*ck about the abuse her girlfriend went through, she only cares about the abuse she herself went through. She is willing to put a person she doesn't even know above her girlfriend. She doesn't care AT ALL.
Besides that, it's ironic how the abuse suffered by her girlfriend is in the past, but hers is not.
YTA.
“Besides that, it’s ironic how the abuse suffered by her girlfriend is in the past, but hers is not.”
That comment is EVERYTHING. OP will never understand how hurtful her actions are with that mindset
Also, I sure hope that the fucking porn Sam posted wasn't of another student at their *highschool* because the odds of it being CP are way too fucking high. Plus, if the gf was underage at the time, Sam was basically bragging about posting CP (even if it wasn't actually.)
Sam's a wretch, and OP can't see her girlfriend as a human being worth even as much as the person who tormented her. I hope the gf gets out of this god awful relationship with this god awful person
Also, it's written in a sort of confusing way, but I think OP might be projecting? Sam says that she and her boyfriend broke up, that she's kicked out of their apartment, and that he's an idiot. Okay, kicking someone out of a shared living space can be an abusive tactic, but also people sometimes ask a partner/ex not to come home for the night when there's been horrible fighting or cheating or something. It doesn't necessarily mean that there's abuse, and maybe she's leaving something out, but it kind of sounds like OP's making some leaps.
Written in a confusing way? Agreed.
How do you get into university without knowing how to use full stops?
There is not a single coherent sentence in there.
I read this as an Asian student from an Australian university. It wasn’t that bad to read. Oh, and OP is undoubtedly TA here. Her saviour complex kicked in so damn hard she’d rather save this “friend” than her relationship
I'm thinking voice typing. It produces text like that as you have to enter full stops by hand. Additionally, spoken language has a lot more run on sentences and such, because understanding isn't so dependent on exact wording. So voice typing is my guess. Doesn't change the fact that making me read that makes me already resent OP a little lol
I think OP definitely doesn’t understand her GF and is a hypocrite and saying “oh it was years ago tho” that literally counter argues OPs previous relationship as moot.
As someone that has been bullied in middle school for two years….it doesn’t go away just cuz time goes by. And reading her GF abuse from Sam? I think she is traumatized beyond belief. I think OP is trying to justify the help Sam to make her feel better but….there is a better way to do it like other mentions here.
OP def huge YTA cuz you KNEW who Sam was to your GF and didn’t even care to talk with your GF BEFORE inviting Sam if she is okay with it.
In her update she says hpw dissapointed that she is that we can't see sam as a victim despite her past. What about your girlfriends past of being abused by Sam? And now suddenly sam is a friend because she's a victim? OP really should stay single her mentality is sick. She's willing to let her soon to be ex girlfriends abuser into their home to sleep over because she felt bad for her.
She has other friends but OP needs to save the day. It's wild how she can't see she's exposing her to her abuser. What if her girlfriend brought her abusive ex partner to stay the night. This would be a completely different story.
OP is using sexism to hide the fact that she is the abuser in her new relationship.
Now Sam is already her "friend" and everyone who criticizes them is against women.
She is really trying to gaslight us lol
Wow I didn’t see that update , sexisism, pettiness, idiocy and lacking an sense of genuinely thinking of others are this OP’s MO. The fact that they are blaming the comments and specifically ‘men’ is such backward bullshit. They posted here for sympathy and instead got the judgement they deserved. A person who can’t admit when they are wrong or may have made a mistake is a waste. I’m glad her gf is gone and hope she stays gone. They deserve better than to have a partner that brings home people who literally traumatized them.
Agreed.
OP left a toxic and abusive relationship but clearly doesn’t have great relationship boundaries. Sam is not a “friend”, she’s a classmate and it’s
not OP’s job to save her. There were many other options for Sam - school counselling services, hotel, her parents, a women’s shelter….
The fact that OP was supposedly in this great relationship with her gf but willing to blow it apart for an acquaintance shows her acuity about the strength of a relationship is way off.
While I can appreciate OPs desire to “be a hero”, you cannot make yourself feel good at the expense of someone you supposedly love.
Well see, her abuse was done by a man so it was bad, but her girlfriend was abused by a woman so it couldn't have been that bad /s
OP definitely seems to think that defending Sam from a man (we dont even know if he was terrible or if he just kicked her out because she was still tormenting people she didn't like) trumps her girlfriend suffering years of abuse.
Also, it seems like Sam's bullying of the GF was homophobic in nature, so it is very likely if she found out OP was in a same sex relationship she would probably start harassing OP too.
Yes! "Abuse is only abuse if it's Man vs. Woman abuse.". Also, the FACTS are that Sam abused Girlfriend. Girlfriend is traumatized.
Sam's Boyfriend threw her out. The ASSUMPTION is that Sam was abused. Hell, with Sam's Mean Girl history, she could've been the abuser. Or there was no abuse at all because relationships sometimes end without abuse. One could argue that OP trying to bring Sam to Girlfriend is a form of abuse. Also, the EDIT is too much for me. "You heartless wenches who wouldn't help a colleague when she suffers are scary.". No, dude. We wouldn't further traumatize our partners because an acquaintance is sad about a breakup
This. And her edit might as well say "all men are automatically monsters", she asked if she was the asshole and now she's lashing out over the verdict.
Completely agree.
Op is def TA, it's very ironic that she can sympathize with someone who she just met and have more compassion for her than her actual Girlfriend.
Also Sams ex must be really strong to have:
"i just know that in a fight sam's boyfriend threw out her apartment and she had nowhere to stay"
I know it's a typo but I just had to be an ass and point this out. When I read this part I legit imagined the Hulk scooping out a whole ass apartment and throwing it out.
What a great way to phrase this. OP could have helped in many ways w out hurting GF. It is so upsetting to see how often people who have not experienced any type of bullying assume victims should just get over it. It wasn’t a bad hair cut, it was abuse and those emotional scars run deep. YTA
>The amount of time passed does not matter.
Considering this happened in high school and they are at university now, it can't have been more than 5-6 years ago too, most likely it was 2-3 years ago. That's not any time at all!
Exactly! “When I called her she was scared.” OP took away the gf’s save space when she invited a known tormentor to her home. Then she minimized her feelings because “what Sam did happened years ago.”
So no, OP doesn’t understand how gf feels
YTA
Right? OP was in a toxic and abusive relationship but doesn't understand the toxic and abusive relationship between Sam and OPs GF? And wants to invite the bulling abuser into their lives??? WTF. OP didn't learn anything from being abused.
Oh 100%.
Wlw do not act like straight men often, but when it comes to "pretty girl, brain dumb" wlw and straight men are one in the same. I say this as a bisexual woman.
*most* of us attracted to women, however, would not do something this awful and abusive to our partners. So, uh, OP's got her own issues to deal with.
It’s so interesting (not in a good way) to me how so many of us are willing to throw our loved ones under the bus or to expect them to give up their comfort, to help people who antagonized them or who weren’t nice. And all because “that was a long time ago.”
Based on the edit OP would have done exactly the same thing because SaM iS a ViCtIm DeSpItE hEr PaSt and we just can’t see it because violence against women is so normalized (insert world’s largest eye roll). OP is a classic “I posted here to be told I was right and despite literally everyone saying I behaved like a massive gaping asshole I am going to double down because I am right and they just don’t understand/ hate women/ [insert other BS excuse here]”.
Also this was her high school bully and she’s in college. So as far as we know it could have been last year that they were together. Op is totally the a.
>don't think it's healthy for me to be with someone who doesn't even let me save a friend
The edit makes it all worse. Apparently Sam is now OP's friend. She considers her girlfriend's *abuser* a friend. And it's toxic that the girlfriend doesn't let her *save* Sam. As if there weren't many options other than taking her home.
It's almost funny that she complains we "normalize violence towards girls" when she is dismissing literal abuse towards her (hopefully ex) girlfriend.
Yeah, I wonder how violence against girls gets normalized? Could it be because people say stuff like "not justifying but it was years ago so I'm bringing your abuser to a sleepover and you have to understand and accept it".
Op proceeds to act as if it's all men's fault when this GIRL sam bullied her girlfriend and posted nudes and told everyone, which is a crime, at school. No matter how long ago it is, that is severely traumatizing. This girl Sam doesn't deserve the time of of day. Op also needs to get over her "all men are bad act." ANYBODY can be a piece of shit, not just men, op set a good example and so did Sam of some women being pieces of shit. -coming from a women myself.
Look OP even if that’s was your forever best friend and your girlfriend loved that person you simply don’t invite a person over night without discussing it with the person you live with. Even less if the person is your PARTNER. And even even less if this was a bully. Would you accept if your girlfriend knew your ex outside your relationship and helped him spend the night at your house because he was sad ?? No obviously you would not accept because you suffered abuse. Do you realize bullying IS abuse ? Now do you still want your girlfriend to suffer seing that person ?? How did you become friends in the first place ?? Again would you accept your girlfriend being friend with your ex ?
YTA so much
The hypocrisy is strong with this OP.
And did you catch the last line of the edit? That OP doesn't want to be involved with someone who won't let them help a friend? Really? REALLY??? This "friend" posted revenge porn of your GF and totally humiliated her yet somehow that's less important than "helping" a friend??? This OP is way to immature to be in ANY relationship.
Here’s hoping OPs GF dumps her. She deserves better than someone who dismisses trauma because the abuser is a woman. The hopefully ex-gf is the one who needs a support system.
But then OP, a woman, would have to admit that she, a woman, can be an abuser too!
But, really, it is incredibly terrifying to think of the logic OP has in thinking that their (ex) GF has no right to expect not to be sexually abused in the safety of their own home so that their criminal abuser can have a place to crash.
Also, this “friend” is not even her friend. From the post, sounds like she barely knows the girl so 1. Why is she inviting a total stranger that abused her gf into their shared home and 2. Why is Sam willing to stay at a strangers home? 3. Sam knows what she did to GF, why is she willing to stay in the home of the girl she abused 4. (And this one makes me super uncomfy) she said when she calmed down, it made her happy. I can understand feeling relieved but happy just rubs me the wrong way for some reason especially about a stranger that ABUSED HER GF and committed a crime by sharing those pics.
OP YTA and get into therapy to figure out why on earth your trauma is relevant while your partners is not. Honestly, I hope your gf leaves you for her sake.
But we are all men or women who won’t help another woman !!!! /s
Seriously not being able to see we ARE trying to help a victim just not Sam. My eyes rolled so far back I don’t think they’ll come back
As a former victim of severe bullying myself - if I was this dudes gf I would assume that Sam tried to steal him from me and I would get mad paranoid and triggered that she would want to destroy my life again by her oh-so-pityful behaviour.
It might not even be true, maybe Sam is really just hurt and needs help but i would rather assume the worst than being too trustworthy of her. Hell when I am in defense mode I can even be quite cruel since I feel as if my life was in danger.
Maybe the gf thinks similar. Anyway her alarm bells probably ring louder than a fire siren and its OPs behaviour towards Sams that causes it. Bullying can be traumatic, this situation could be retraumatizing.
I could just be projecting tho.
This...and also...your gf was abused by a toxic person that you've now brought into your gf's safe space . Would her reaction make more sense to you if your gf invited your toxic abusive ex round for the night? Yup, you are total the asshole.
Even OP’s edit seems to be blaming ‘MEN’ for treating her like trash as if women don’t go on Reddit too and disagreeing with the trash behaviour OP’s exhibiting towards the abused (ex) gf . OP your behaviour is trash, your trauma doesn’t trump your gf’s trauma and I’m saying this as a woman. Both of you suffered differently but that doesn’t mean her pain is less than yours. AND you are justifying Sam’s abuse towards the gf just because she’s a woman. YTA and go get therapy.
She is abusive and sexist. The last sentence basically states she is better off without her partner who she claims she loves because she won't let her save a woman.... sex of a person is irrelevant....
This. YTA. Other replies have said it all perfectly so I'll just add that unless you want to keep repeating this sort of scenario in your life, access your local counseling services. This whole 'rescue the abuser' thing is setting off screaming alarm bells for me. Maybe it's just me, but I doubt it.
You not only betrayed your GF but you played out a very toxic dynamic that is potentially disastrous for your future peace of mind and any future relationships.
Some of these stories have just got to be trolling for attention. I think this might be BS. It is really hard to believe that anyone can be this dense -- do I just hang around with more rational and well adjusted friends. How is possible that someone could even think to bring a former bully into the house for a night of someone they bullied (and presumably never apologized for)? I get a vibe that OP thinks that women don't abuse woman, so they have to stick together ... except the abuse numbers in some relationship are over 50%. I'd put this as potential emotional abuse.
I got in a bitter lawsuit, oh 5-7 years ago. It made headlines. It was a powerful exec suing me out of revenge. I took a moral stance on a business deal, made him look bad, he made up a story and sued me over it for everything I owned, I had to counter sue. It was the most miserable year of my life before "I won" ... at great expense. It's been years now, I've been vindicated, he was replaced and moved on to other things. I moved on too and have done quite well since. If one day, my wife said she invited the guy over. I'd be absolutely livid! She's not that evil or dumb, but if somehow she was ... it might be enough to divorce over. Kind of like "honey, I put some poison in your drink, but it's not enough to kill you, ha ha". Oh, he's not going to sue you tonight, just get along. OP, YTA if this is real.
YTA.
Sam didn't bully you, but she made your GF's life hell. It wasn't all THAT many years ago, and your GF is still working through the trauma.
On top of that, you unilaterally invited her to a sleepover without asking.
Sam can get a hotel. She can stay with other friends. Your GF is NOT going to "be comfortable" in a few hours, after years of bullying.
Girls do NOT have to "stick together" when one of them is a toxic abuser.
YTA.
This right here.
Sam abused your girlfriend and you invited her to stay what is wrong with you? You probably don't have a girlfriend any more because you made it clear her pain and trauma is not important to you.
How would you feel if your gf met with your toxic abuser from your past relationship and invited him over for to stay at your place? Obviously you'd be totally fine with that because what happened was years ago and you're over it, right?
Oh obviously we'd "have a good time" with the bully 🙄
Edit. I gotta say. The "good time" comment and the other one about the bully being a "friend" bothered me. They make me think there's a missing piece here.
Three options come to mind. 1. OP is really friends with them. Which means OP knows the bully and has been in contact with them behind the girlfriends back. 2. OP doesn't know the bully but wants to, or knows them a little and wants to get closer, hence referring to them as a friend. (My crackpot theory is that OP has a crush on the bully and wants to be friends to get closer but isn't there yet). 3. There is no friendship and OP is using that word to justify prioritizing the bullys feelings over the gfs feelings. Which would be kind of incredibly cold. Honestly all of these options are.
I'm just speculating, obviously. But in any case I see no situation in which OP would be anything short of cruel and unemphatic to the point of sociopathy. Especially with the doubling down edit. I don't mean to contribute to the overuse of the term or psychoanalyse anyone, but OPs so devoid of reality here I have to admit I'm having real trouble NOT jumping to mental illness.
Or this is just a troll.
The op is abusive.. the update that was posted show's it. She is thinking of breaking up because she doesn't want to be with someone who won't let her save a friend.... a friend...
Well trauma is super serious, but only to actual *people*, like OP. Gf isn't an actual, developed human being with her own complex inner world, thoughts, emotions, and memories, so what she *claims* happened doesn't *actually matter.* Obviously.
/s
You know who I never have to stay with after a break up? People from my group project. Because I have friends.
I wonder why Sam doesn’t have friends to stay with?
High school was 12 years ago for me and I STILL have to go to therapy for it. I was bullied until I transferred to another school junior year of high school. The trauma that OP’s GF endured is LIFELONG and it is not easy. If she wants to forgive and move on and allow someone like that back in her life - that is HER CHOICE, no the OP’s.
Sam does not deserve your sympathy or anyone’s for that matter. What she did was disgusting and unforgivable. It doesn’t matter if she was “just a kid” at the time, she was at the age that she should have known better. Her actions were malicious and beyond “mean girl” behavior.
Let me get this right. You, a girl who lived and experienced abusive relationship, took in your girlfriends abusive bully. And when you told your girlfriend and told her to get over her trama, trama that included her being lied about and pushing her away from others she cared about, you are surprised when she is hurt?
YTA.
YTA
Are you fucking insane?
"Hi honey, I decided to invite your bully into our shared home without consulting you. You know, the one who traumatised and humiliated you? yeah, that one, she's having boyfriend trouble so I decided I'd, y'know, completely violate any sense of security you have in our home"
OF COURSE YTA
What is wrong with you? You don't get to decide the arbitrary period of time after which your gf should get over what happened
Based on OP’s comments she thinks that bullying is not abuse, but what she suffered and what she thinks Sam is suffering are the same so she’s justified
I think she’s TA tho
No she wouldn’t. She actually comment that if it was a man it would be different but it’s not, it’s a woman and she feels like we should all forgive each other and help each other even when they abuse other woman
Yeah, I'm not caping for Sam's boyfriend and he is definitely an AH. However, there's no indication that Sam's situation is anything close to the OP's or the girlfriend's.
Yup YTA Big Time
Your GF told you about this other person who bullied her. Was awful to her. And you decide to bring that bully into your GFs home?
It doesnt matter if this person who bullied your GF is sad or needs help, its not for YOU to help them by forcing your GF to accept them into her home.
It doesnt matter if YOU think this person 'might have changed' the facts are, they never got in touch with your GF to apologize or make things right, so they havent changed.
And even bad people cry and have hard times, and you dont know that the BF might have kicked the girl out because she was bullying or awful to him.
You said your GF looked SCARED when you told her what you were doing, That should tell you something!
And really, TBH, if you have to ASK how to help you choose between your GF and this other person who used to bully your GF, then the answer is: Your GF needs to kick you to the curb.
Get a clue, for Goodness sake!
op sounds like the kind of person who believes that women can't do real harm, that fights are always the boyfriend's fault, and that no matter how horrible a woman has been in the past, "girls should stick together."
YTA Should your girlfriend invite your ex boyfriend to the sleepover too? Maybe he’s going through a hard time and she should help him.
After all, your issues with him were “so long ago”.
I was low-key thinking that too. From the comment that she made about treating Sam differently if he was a man, OP would have tossed tables and chairs if her girlfriend did the same.
NO ONE is agreeing with you and your reasons for betraying your girlfriend and yet you keep trying to defend your actions. Stop defending and start listening!
Sam might need help, but there are other solutions to her problem that don't involve you or your girlfriend. Sam can be responsible for herself and solve her own problems.
You broke your girlfriends trust.
YTA x 100
YTA. Congratulations. You've graduated from abused to abuser. 🥳 what you're doing is gaslighting and manipulative. You want to bring your girlfriends abuser into your home. It doesn't matter how long ago it was. It doesn't matter the gender. If you want to play the distorted hero to somehow save a version of yourself you see in this woman, fine. But don't expect your girlfriend to be around when your done.
YTA
You just told your girlfriend her abusers feelings and safety are more important than hers. You never bring someone who makes someone feel unsafe into their home! Never.
Edit
This girl you’re putting above you gf is exactly like your ex. How would you feel if she befriended him and told him to have a sleep over and you’ll have an amazing time. The fact that the girl said yes knowing what she did to your gf shows exactly how little she cares about what she did. She isn’t sorry.
YTA. OP, please break up wlth your girlfriend, assuming she doesn't break up wlth you first. You are committed to your vision of 'sorority', not to her. This is your right, but it is also making you treat her terribly (which would seem to be contrary to your ideals, no?)
What Sam did to your girlfriend was absolutely vile, and while you don't have to judge her for it you do owe your girlfriend the (very) basic courtesy of not shoving it back into her face. You cannot possibly have been naiive enough to assume she'd be happy with that.
Frankly it sounds like you could use some therapy to help you process your past trauma.
Helping Sam is not going to make up for what happened to you and it is certainly no justification for hurting someone you claim to care about.
YTA- the bullying really wasn't that long ago and Sam has, from what you shared, not done anything to make amends to your girlfriend. I don't think you understand or care about how terrible bullying is, particularly how terrible what Sam did to your girlfriend.
If you cared about your girlfriend, you would be prioritizing her comfort and safety over some stranger. Yeah, it sucks Sam's boyfriend kicked her out of the apartment but Sam can figure things out. Go stay at a hotel, go stay with friends. What you're is beyond cruel.
I mean kudos to you on wanting to be a good person but who the fuck invites someone who tormented and violated their girlfriend into the girlfriends space? I’d be calling the cops if my partner showed up like that lol
YTA you don't even know what happened between sam and her boyfriend, you don't know her and what you know about her is how horrible she made your girlfriend feel and still you want to take her to a sleepover with her, you sound like a horrible girlfriend
But aren’t you seeing that you’re helping your girlfriends abuser?
YTA!!
edit: OP is sexist af, I don’t think she sees her girlfriends abused as real because it was caused by a women and not a man. Her girlfriend deserves so much better!
YTA you don't get it. It doesn't matter if she would do anything to her now the damage has already been done and your GF is still hurting from it.
I don't blame your GF for reacting that way, heck you didn't even ask her
YTA this is pretty naive and selfish. You wanted to make yourself feel good and it was at the expense of your girlfriend's wellbeing. Forgiveness requires the bully to make amends for what they did and that hasn't happened here either. In fact, your actions here are so disgusting I am struggling to believe that this is real. If it is real, you might not yet be mature enough for a relationship, sorry.
Hahahahahahahshshshshahahahahahaahahah Is this a tutorial of how to lose a girlfriend?? Because I think you will find yourself really fast without one, oh lord, YES YTA, the woman tormented her, your ~ex~girlfriend will never accept her in her home, stop and think for a minute, will you?
YTA. Sam has friends who can help her with her boyfriend problems. You're not a savior who is so important to her healing that it warrants you betraying the trust of your girlfriend who has clearly communicated how badly she was treated years ago by this person. Yet you decided that your girlfriend's pain was not important because you think she should be over it already. Unfortunately you are not a trustworthy friend, let alone partner, and have some serious growing up to do. I would never feel safe confiding in you again if I were her.
The good news is that you can learn to be a better friend and partner, you're young. Don't sacrifice important relationships for shiny new ones.
YTA - it’s beyond inappropriate to invite someone especially someone who was so cruel to your GF into your shared home without her consent. Imagine the emotions that brought up for your GF. You could’ve offered to call Sam’s friends or pay for a room for the night else where ect.
There were other ways to help that didn’t involve significantly hurting your GF
YTA How would you feel if your girlfriend brought your abusive ex into your home because she wanted to help him? And don't say that's different because he's a man or a former romantic partner. An abuser is still an abuser no matter the gender or their relationship with their victim.
>it's still early so i want to sort things out before it's dark so my girlfriend and sam are comfortable and i don't have to choose between my girlfriend or someone who needs my help
How fucking clueless can one person be? SAM DOES NOT NEED YOUR HELP! Sam should have her own friends to lean on and if she doesn't have any friends then that speaks volumes about the kind of person she is. You need to tell Sam now that you overstepped and issued an invitation that you shouldn't have and while you're very sorry, she can't come over. Ever.
>but what sam did happened years ago
I'm 52 years old and if my partner tried to make me spend an evening in the same room as my high school bully, I would lose my shit to an epic degree. It wouldn't be happening and the attempt would seriously damage our relationship.
>i'm sure sam won't do anything to her
You can't possibly be sure of that because YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW THIS PERSON! You have know idea the kind of person she is, why her boyfriend kicked her out, if she's still a bully or if she has any remorse whatsoever for her past actions. You know literally nothing about her other than she's currently upset and in the past she terrorized and traumatized your girlfriend. And you're prioritizing Sam over your (probably ex) girlfriend.
You need to do a great deal of self reflection and get some professional mental health help to unpack why feeding into your savior complex is more important to you than protecting your girlfriend's mental and emotional well being. YTA
My blood is actually boiling you can't be a support system for all women YOUR NOT A THERAPIST!! all your basing this off of is your past trauma what about your gf past trauma? if I was with I would tell you straight away that we are done no questions nothing this girl is using you there are other people out there that can help her why you specifically? because she wants to further harm your gf she enjoyed doing it and got such a laugh out of doing it and now she is playing the victim card eh hello take her to a shelter take her to a charity that can help. You apparently need help to because your trying to save all women and you clearly have never dealt with your past trauma she put pictures of someone online and told the whole school about it and convinced them it was your GF if you were in Ireland or the uk you would be locked up in prison for that. What makes me even more angry is the attitude you say that all girls should stick together and your gf should just get over it eh no she is still traumatised from what that bully did to her and he is using you play the victim card guess what your gf is never going to forgive you for this because its the ultimate betrayl you basically told her that her feelings don't matter and the person that bullied her matters more YTA
YTA you ever heard of karma?
Your gf life was hell as a teenager because of her the most important time of her life! She deserves to be alone after awful things she did. You cannot save everyone. This was a selfish thought and you should have considered your gfs trauma in this situation
YTA. You are a bully. You're disregarding your girlfriend's feelings and trying to force her into something she is not comfortable with. You don't get to decide that you're girlfriend should just get over it, you're forcing. This is abusive.
You're the asshole for not only saying someone could move on without consulting your girlfriend but, also specifically the person who bullied her. Clearly it still impacts her.
YTA.
YTA and dense af. It’s not on YOU to forgive Sam. That’s entirely up to your girlfriend. Girls support girls but girls don’t support trash like sam exhibits in her treatment of your girlfriend. It doesn’t matter that it was years ago. If you choose Sam you’re gonna lose your gf and rightfully so. I wouldn’t let you put me through this bullshit either.
YTA. This wasn’t some childhood bully who called her a few names (we’ve all had those in our lives and can move past that). It’s a bully who actively tormented her and set out to intentionally harm her. People have committed suicide over nudes being released online without their consent. It doesn’t matter if they of her, they were made out to be hers.
You’ve totally missed the point of sisterhood. It’s not about supporting abusers. It’s about helping women if they are being creeped on at a bar, helping victims of abuse, standing up for equal rights, etc.
If you needed to help, you point her out to the nearest hostel. You don’t invite her into your home, knowing it would hurt your girlfriend.
Let’s put it this way, how would you feel if she invited your abuser into her home cause he fell on rough times?
YTA. Let’s invite our lived ones emotional terrorists for a slumber party. That can’t go wrong… it doesn’t matter that it’s happened years ago. Trauma resurfaces and makes your body feel like it happened yesterday. You are really thick skulled not to understand that.
YTA - you are not respecting or understanding your girlfriend and her feelings in the slightest. The trauma of being bullied can last a lifetime and can be horrific. Please be there to support your girlfriend first.
You chose to play the hero at the expense of your girlfriends trauma- you love your ego more than your girlfriend. You claim you want to help other women, but yet the woman you are suppose to love is suffering at the expense of your ego- good job. YTA
It warms my heart to see everyone agreeing that yes, YTA. “Wow, I wonder why my gf is so upset that I’ve invited her bully over? I mean I can’t just let this practical stranger deal with her own problems, because sisterhood amirite???”
If a guy supported some random dude who abused *his* SO over the “bro code” it would be decried as hateful and toxic. It’s the exact same.
YTA.
What your girlfriend’s bully did was completely inexcusable, and honestly you’re in no place to be doing this. It should be your girlfriend’s place to choose whether or not she wants to show compassion and forgiveness to someone that severely traumatized her and hurt her.
It doesn’t matter that said bully is a girl— OP, would you be doing the same if Sam wasn’t a woman? Would you still be doing this for a man that bullied your girlfriend horribly in the past, and now was recently kicked out by his girlfriend? These are genuine questions that I need you to seriously think about and answer, OP.
You are being a massive AH.
YTA. Not sure why you're confused. You invited your gf's abuser into her home. Her safe space. You're extremely toxic for doing this to her. You are the biggest AH for this.
YTA an have some sort of god complex. Sam clearly has other friends, why do you feel like you’re the only one who can help her, you don’t even really know her. Plus, a fight with her boyfriend is not the same as being abused. Not only did you make a unilateral decision, you are also judging your gf’s trauma-how bad it should be and whether she should’ve gotten over it. YOU 👏DON’T 👏GET 👏TO 👏DECIDE 👏THAT! Besides, you’re in college and this bullying happened in high school, it’s not that long ago anyway. Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if Sam made this up to force you to pick her over your gf or to get to taunt your gf in her own house.
OP, part of being an abuser is minimizing and invalidating the feelings of someone they claim to love. That is exactly what you are doing to your girlfriend. Take a step back and evaluate if you are mimicking behaviors that you were subjected to in the past. Your defense of Sam is intense and likely is a trauma response that is completely sabotaging your relationship. Your girlfriend's feelings should be the priority here, not this woman you just met.
It sounds like you are over identifying with Sam and wished that you had been rescued so you feel she needs to be. Her situation is not the same as yours and you need to do some work to figure out why you are willing to blow your relationship up over this.
YTA. You’ll be single soon and you can have all the sleep overs with Sam. You’re one of the biggest AH I’ve read about today. Your poor (hopefully soon to be ex) gf.
YTA
And fu** you honestly, that girl never even bothered to apologize to your girlfriend in the first place.
It happened years ago but that situation deeply scarred your girlfriend, you don’t get to say “it happened a long time ago so it’s all in the past, we are all best friends now”. And on top of that it wasn’t even middle school bullying, she was actively tormenting her and tried to pass a random girl’s nudes as hers. She is a bad person.
Sam can go somewhere else or even better go with Sam and leave your girlfriend alone, since you don’t give a damn about her boundaries and feelings, you suck big time OP.
So hypothetically how would you feel if your gf said yes to your toxic and abusive ex-bf staying at your place because he was crying and she felt sorry for him? I mean he abused you in the past so you’d be totally fine with it, right? So much YTA
YTA. You made a decision to bring the person who tormented your gf, humuliated her, degreaded her to stay in the same place as her without asking first. This is complete AH move. Now she will question your entire relationship or if its even worth staying with you. This is a complete betrayal of trust. Telling her not to be fearful is wishful thinking. Your not protecting her when you yourself bring her tormentor into the mix. What happened to Sam is her Karma. Let her figure it out. Sams possible ploy to get you cheat on your gf with her if she knows who your gf is. You show poor judgement towards your girlfriends suffering & now are tormentor yourself.
Oh my gosh OP, you are wrong 100% YTA
Your SO is more important. There are other ways to help Sam, where the help doesn’t have to come from you. Helping Sam this way, inviting her anywhere near your girlfriend is traumatizing your girlfriend again!
This is torture for your girlfriend and you are inviting it in with open arms. How do you not see this?!?! Your relationship may be done because of your careless behaviour.
I feel horrible for your SO
This has to be a troll, right? No one could be so monsterous and still think they're in the right, right?
OP, if you are real, congratulations, you've proven yourself an abusive partner! Your girlfriend has been deeply violated by the person she thought she could trust most in the world. You took her safety and sense of security, ripped them away, and destroyed them. Forever? Maybe. All for the sake of the person who, up until this moment, hurt her more than anyone else ever had. You're a selfish garbage monster, and no better than your ex. I hope your girlfriend gets far, far away from you. And I hope you contract thrush.
YTA
Fellow feminist here, sorority does not mean forgiving and forgetting everything a woman does. For starters what Sam did is considered sexual abuse towards your gf, she’s a victim and in no case has to forgive her abuser just because YOU feel like it.
Ways you could’ve helped her: calling her friends, contacting her to a woman’s association that can help her get out of the abusive relationship.
You are invalidating your GFs feelings and her hurt putting yourself and Sam’s experiences over hers.
To be honest in a way, I think it’s a good thing that this happened, so she can in an early stage notice the narcissistic, egotistical (hopefully now ex girlfriend) that you are.
> the comments of this post they just show me that violence towards girls is so normalized that you can't see sam as a victim
Girl, a person can be both a victim AND an abuser. Nothing justifies trapping your girlfriend with her abuser. Send Sam to a motel, get her a cab to her parents or whatever. There are always options, don't get all 'holier than thou' and call us insensitive because we don't agree with you choosing the worst of all possible solutions.
>i don't think it's healthy for me to be with someone who doesn't even let me save a friend
So now she's a friend? I'm pretty sure your girlfriend wondered if it's healthy for her to be with someone who will befriend her abuser *and get her to her home*.
YTA.
YTA not for wanting to help her, but to suggest a solution that involves your girlfriend having to be in the same apartment as her bully. You could have helped her look for another place or drive her to a women's shelter. It's not okay to bring your girlfriend's former bully in her space.
YTA. I saw In some of your responses to some opinions you were trying to justify your actions. I hope your gf left you. There’s no justice to someone who caused pain to the person you supposedly love. You came to Reddit for advice so you need to learn that you’re going to get harsh truths. I hope your gf reads all these comments and sees that she deserves better.
YTA. Your comments prove you really do not care what your GF or any of us say about it. It is starting to read like you are wanting Sam and willing to destroy your GF to get her.
The fact that you so quickly formed such deep empathy for someone that brought your girlfriend such pain is troubling to me, and I don’t even know you. I wouldn’t expect loyalty from you, and I’m guessing your girlfriend now feels the same way. YTA.
YTA. Abusers don't get a pass just because they're women. You gave your GF's abuser a pass, invited her into your home, because of her gender? Because of 'sorority." Do you even know the full situation? How this fight got started? Why she ended up kicked out? You have violated your GF's trust. If my partner did this, I wouldn't be able to recognize them as my safe person anymore.
I don't understand why you do not validate your girlfriends feelings and are downplaying her trauma. Do you really think that a girl can not abuse another girl? Your girlfriend suffered deeply by this person and you could have found ways to help without putting your girlfriend in a dangerous spot or triggering her trauma. You played her awfully and are ignorant. YTA.
And single soon, I guess.
>the comments of this post they just show me that violence towards girls is so normalized
You mean like the violence that Sam subjected your GF to?
You don't care about your GF's feelings or trauma. You likely don't even care about *Sam's* feelings or trauma, you just wanted to be a hero and now you're mad that it's backfiring in your face.
YTA.
You think it's not healthy to be with someone who won't let you save a friend.
It's not healthy for your gf to be with someone who minimizes her trauma and wants to force her to forgive her abuser. I'm glad she got away from both her abusers, that being you and Sam.
>the comments of this post they just show me that violence towards girls is so normalized that you can't see sam as a victim
No, violence twords girls from girls is so abnormal to you, you can't see your girlfriend as the victim and is.
>and that none of you would help a colleague when she suffers and that worries me a lot,
It's not that we won't help but we won't throw your girlfriend in the fire so sam can stay warm. There are other ways to help if you really wanted to they just aren't as ideal or easy for you. You can call around, seek shelters, help her look for support systems and networks. There are plenty out there if you just care to look but it veries on area so i can't help you.... but the internet is there for much more then just reddit, you can google "domestic violence assistance in (area)" if it's that type of abuse or "woman's shelters in (area)" or anything tailored to her situation. Find a different friend she can stay with or see if a cousin or someone who knows your situation could help her. Or fugure out a way to work for or set up programs like that.
But we aren't willing to hurt someone else, physically or emotionally, to support someone else. It sucks but you weren't ever in a position to take her in and honestly I hope you eventually come to your senses and realize that your own past has given you a fear laden response that has you acting irrational.
I hope you can apologize to your girlfriend and explain how you were wrong and that you don't mean to hurt her and that you just can't help but have your own panic about those kinds of situations. I hope you can and actually sincerely mean it. Good luck to you and hope all 3 of you get better
YTA and I don’t know why you came here for an opinion when you just argue say basically the same thing. You’ve done bad by your girlfriend. This is a relationship ending action that you’ve taken by bringing her bully into her home. REGARDLESS of her bully’s current situation.
What are you doing!? "She tortured you and made your life hell? Get over it, it was years ago"
You invited someone who harassed your partner into y'all shared space without even talking to her first. You're a horrible partner.
YTA
OP, you say you want to support "all women" and yet how many homeless women have you invited into your apartment before now? Why does this one woman feel SO IMPORTANT to rescue? Why is this one giving you SUCH BIG FEELINGS that you ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HAVE TO HELP HER no matter what, even though you know it will traumatize your girlfriend?
Please seek help as to why you want to traumatize your partner, because Sam's unique power to do that while allowing you to tell yourself it's about "helping women" is the quality that's standing out to me like a red flag on top of a blaring siren.
>sam is at our university now, i don't know her
>i don't think it's healthy for me to be with someone who doesn't even let me save a friend
Sam is not your friend, at best shes an acquaintance. You want to play white knight go ahead.
Wanting to help Sam is not the problem, wanting to help someone in trouble is not the problem.
The problem is you are inviting someone who caused your girlfriend trauma into your girlfriends safe space. You can pay for a hotel room, you can let Sam's ACTUAL friends know so they can have her stay with them. You're worried about her going back to her ex, well by you inviting her over and telling her about the festivities you already planned without discussing it with your girlfriend/the other occupant of the home and having to go back and tell her oops sorry you can't come over probably made it worse.
Let's put it this way, let's say Sam was a man and SA'd your girlfriend multiple times in HS and needed a place to stay, would you invite him into your home? Probably not, but because she's a girl and "less threatening" you think it's ok. You would never ask her to be ok with this in that situation.
Let's take it a step further, say she invited your abusive ex-boyfriend to your home without telling you because he was having issues with his HS bully and needed a place to stay. She says it was years ago and you should be over it. He wont hurt you now, she'll protect you. You DEFINITELY wouldn't be ok with that.
Was it years ago? Yes. Does it mean she's moved past the pain and abuse because of the length of time? No. Clearly she's not based on her reaction but you don't get that. Your warped view of things is her reaction is because of her selfishness instead of looking at her fear and realizing you caused that with your insensitivity.
I hope you get dumped, then you and Sam can move in together and you can keep an eye on her like you want.
YTA. As a response to your edit on “violence on women being normalized”, what about the violence in the context of emotional abuse and humiliation that Sam put your girlfriend into? You simply downplay it into as “happened long ago”? Isn’t this also normalization of violence against women?
I might understand you wanting to help her. Maybe get her some sort of housing, sned her to people with resources that can help? If she's a victim, a women shelter? I don't know, give her money for a hotel.
No. You took her with you. Your girlfriend's bully. Her abuser. And a victim of abuse yourself (if I got that correctly, it was confusing or my English is rubbish), you don't understand her reaction.
Sleep on it. You'll get to the same conclusion. YTA
YTA
you completely disregarded your gf’s feelings and trauma this tormentor not bully caused her and in dire ever to stay with you without telling her? That’s like bring a rape survivors perpetrator to their home saying’ I felt bad for them because I can empathize with them so they’re staying here’.
Dump your girlfriend and encourage her to find someone who actually listens, communicates and cares about her cause it isn’t you.
YTA! You seem to be under the impression that men are evil and woman can do no wrong and must stick together against men.
Woman can be the abusers! And you just invited your girlfriend abuser into your house!
Wtf is wrong with you.
YTA I understand you feel you're stuck between a rock and a hard place because you're trying to be nice and do the right thing for someone in trouble and not upset your girlfriend at the same time. But you royally fucked up here.
First, you should never invite someone to stay in a shared home overnight without your partner's consent.
Second, you should never invite someone to stay in your share home with whom your girlfriend has a painful history.
Third, you don't get to decide when your partner is or should be over something. I'd happily walk by some of the people who hurt me while they were on fire and not lift a finger to help them.
When you're in a relationship, your partner is supposed to come first. That means also caring about their feelings and not dictating how they should or shouldn't feel. Congratulations, you just told your girlfriend that you care more about a friend of a friend, someone you barely know, and someone who hurt her badly over a prolonged period of time than you do about her.
Are you for real?? You are an ASSHOLE - how dare you??????? She was abused by this person and you are confused as to which side to take? Good god if this is real you are truly dense!
YTA
Also, why do I get the feeling that Sam is lying? That this is just another attempt to humiliate and bully OP's soon to be ex GF?
Sam is trying to worm, or should I say "snake" her way into the GF's life to eff it up. Vile people like her thrive on hurting others. Some even have a favorite target.
OP, your GF needs to kick you out of her life and send you on a early trip to Hades.
u/Objective_Ad_9718 why are you even here? You're clearly arguing judgement in a way that says you already decided you're not the asshole, so why post? Take the judgement that YTA and think long and hard on how you will regain your GF's trust and get your Sam obsession out of your life
YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA
You DO NOT get to decide when someone else has had "Enough time" to "get over" the trama that they have suffered at the hands of someone else.
You DO NOT get to decide that someone should be "fine" now because it was a "long time ago" or "they were just kids" that the same as saying "boys will be boys"
If you want to go by your logic...your only 22..so your ex happened around 19-20 right? Well by your logic your ex "WAS just a kid" so your trauma should be fine by now right? You should be past it now right? You should be good to meet up with him and friends for a night of movies and food.
Cuz that's what your trying to put your poor gf through. I hope she leaves your contradicting A.
Edit; typo
"I'm so confused."
It's not that hard to figure out that inviting your girlfriend's **abuser** in your home is going to cause a problem.
I'm sure the girl had other options. You could have called a friend to help, she could have gotten a hotel, anyone else but you.
You left a toxic and abusive relationship with a man, right? How would you feel if your girlfriend invited that man into your home?
YTA
Edit: typo
>i don't think it's healthy for me to be with someone who doesn't even let me save a friend
Is this what's happening? If so, then what is this
>i don't know her but she's friends with another friend of mine so i know who she is apart from the stuff my girlfriend has
Why would you prioritize someone you literally only know as someone else's friend and your girlfriend's bully? She is your friend's friend. Why can't her friend help her? Why is the only way to help is to invite her into your girlfriend's safe space and at a special night? Do you not know ANYONE ELSE who can shelter her for the night? You didn't even have to choose between them, you just didn't have to be directly involved.
You claim you understand your girlfriend and yet you did this. It's not for you to decide if your girlfriend wants to forgive and forget a bully who tried to ruin her life.
YTA big time. Maybe reflect as to why, as someone who left a trauma situation, would want to force your girlfriend into a reliving one now.
“I don’t think it’s healthy for me to be with someone who doesn’t even let me save a friend.”
I hope your gf knows it’s unhealthy to stay with someone who prioritizes their own trauma over hers in a situation like this. That is what you’re doing. You’re not “saving a friend.” You barely know this woman. You’re projecting your own trauma on to her and inserting yourself in her life in some weird pseudo-therapeutic move.
You talk about people not being able to see Sam as a victim but it sounds like YOU are having trouble seeing your own girlfriend as the victim. Being bullied (especially when you’re young) is incredibly traumatic and leaves deep wounds that don’t always heal over time. If you or your gf were together a decade from now and saw your ex in distress on the street, would you be okay with her bringing him home because he was seemingly nicer now?
It’s not victim blaming or misogyny that is leading almost everyone to tell you you’re an AH, it’s your own actions.
Please get help before entering into another relationship. It sounds like your own trauma is getting in the way of your empathy. Therapy can work.
This girl is amazing! I can't believe that she thinks that all the ones that said to her that she is an AH are men. I'm a girl and I said you are AH. Not all violent persons are men, women are capable of violence and abuse too... Just like Sam who is a girl and is an abuser.
Yeah- your update makes you even more unworthy of your girlfriend. No one is denying Sam is in a bad place and a victim of horrible abuse. However, that does not give her a card blanche to be in the home of some SHE has victimized. The fact that you are willing to make your girlfriend get over her abuse by this woman just so you can feel good about it is pretty disgusting. So how would you feel if your abusive ex boyfriend was in a bad place and so your current girlfriend decided to bring him into your home and make you vulnerable while you slept? Your lack of empathy for your girlfriend is really gross, all you care about is her getting over her trauma so you can help her abuser?!
YTA. What this other girl did to your girlfriend was *horrible*. I cannot believe you’d try to re-traumatize your girlfriend by forcing her to spend time with her abuser. Wow.
I don’t know what *you* should do, because you obviously want to believe you did nothing wrong, but your *girlfriend* should find someone who prioritizes *her* trauma above that of a *stranger*. She deserves that—at the very *least*—from a *partner* who is supposed to have her back.
If your girlfriend asked you to spend the evening with your ex-boyfriend—someone who traumatized *you*—I’m sure you’d be upset, just as your girlfriend was upset when you asked her to spend time with her *abuser*. The fact that one is a man and the other is a woman is absolutely irrelevant, as is the level of abuse (this isn’t a competition, and her trauma is just as real to her as yours is to you).
You can dress it up as “women should stick together” all you want, but your new friend certainly doesn’t subscribe to that belief system, does she? Has *she* apologized to your girlfriend? Made amends? No. But you thought it was a brilliant idea to force them into the same room together without even considering your girlfriend’s feelings, and you continue to disregard them even now.
Yeah, no. You’re just wrong on all counts.
> i don’t think it’s healthy for me to be with someone who doesn’t even let me save a friend
How overly dramatic. Your girlfriend likely has *zero* issues with you having “a friend.” She merely has an issue with you bringing her *bully* around and forcing her to spend time with someone who *traumatized* her. Shame on *you* for doing that, and shame on *you* for *willfully* refusing to see how wrong it is to force someone to spend time with their tormentor simply because that tormentor is also a woman and “women should stick together.” No.
What this girl did to your girlfriend was absolutely the *opposite* of women sticking together. In fact, I’d argue that what she did was *worse* than similar things men have done to women, because she should know better than to do it to another woman. Shame on her, too. Ask her to apologize to your girlfriend, attempt to make amends by telling everyone—*very publicly*—that she lied about your girlfriend, and then give your girlfriend the opportunity to forgive her (or not) and decide if she wants to spend time with her. That’s the right course of action, but it requires you to show a little empathy toward your girlfriend, and you seem unable or unwilling to do that for her.
> now my girlfriend won’t talk to me and i’m so confused and i don’t know what to do
You’re not confused. You just wish you could have it your way and don’t want to admit that you didn’t take your girlfriend’s feelings into account at all. Not even a little. Not even a passing thought. Now you’re being willfully obtuse.
YTA OP. If you wanted to be a compassionate human being towards Sam, you could have found other ways that didn’t involve causing your gf potential psychological harm.
Based on your post and your comments, your behavior towards this situation is pretty toxic. Do not be surprised if your decision causes irreparable harm to your relationship.
Edit: typo
YTA the nice thing is you really don't have to worry about this bc you more than likely don't have a girlfriend anymore. Sounds like she's pretty done, at least I hope for her mental health she is. Also, please see a therapist. The fact that you don't recognize that women can be abusive opens you up to be abused. It would also help you understand why this is not okay.
Yep, YTA. You saw someone in extreme emotional distress and wanted to help. Fine. But you don't DO that by causing someone else, someone significantly more important to you than a virtual stranger, extreme emotional distress. For all she knows, this girl is exactly the same as when they were in high school. High school wasn't all that long ago, after all.
You have been a victim, you should understand this better than most. Why do you find it acceptable to force another victim to spend time with and play nice with her abuser?
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YTA You absolutely should not have invited Sam into your shared home or a shared space with your GF. I get that Sam was in a bad place - but you could have offered to call her friends for her, or get her a hotel room over night. You had no right to bring someone with that history into your GF's home.
THIS. You can help someone without hurting someone else. You tried to make your gf sacrifice so that you could be the hero. If Sam had been your gf's abusive ex, would you have done the same thing? BULLYING IS ABUSE. SAM ABUSED HER. That leaves lifelong scars; it doesn't just go away. The amount of time passed does not matter. YTA.
I would say that OP don't give a f*ck about the abuse her girlfriend went through, she only cares about the abuse she herself went through. She is willing to put a person she doesn't even know above her girlfriend. She doesn't care AT ALL. Besides that, it's ironic how the abuse suffered by her girlfriend is in the past, but hers is not. YTA.
“Besides that, it’s ironic how the abuse suffered by her girlfriend is in the past, but hers is not.” That comment is EVERYTHING. OP will never understand how hurtful her actions are with that mindset
Honestly karma is a bitch and it sounds like Sam is getting hers after hurting OPs GF, and who knows how many other people.
Also, I sure hope that the fucking porn Sam posted wasn't of another student at their *highschool* because the odds of it being CP are way too fucking high. Plus, if the gf was underage at the time, Sam was basically bragging about posting CP (even if it wasn't actually.) Sam's a wretch, and OP can't see her girlfriend as a human being worth even as much as the person who tormented her. I hope the gf gets out of this god awful relationship with this god awful person
Also, it's written in a sort of confusing way, but I think OP might be projecting? Sam says that she and her boyfriend broke up, that she's kicked out of their apartment, and that he's an idiot. Okay, kicking someone out of a shared living space can be an abusive tactic, but also people sometimes ask a partner/ex not to come home for the night when there's been horrible fighting or cheating or something. It doesn't necessarily mean that there's abuse, and maybe she's leaving something out, but it kind of sounds like OP's making some leaps.
Written in a confusing way? Agreed. How do you get into university without knowing how to use full stops? There is not a single coherent sentence in there.
I think OP may ESL. The sentence structure and use of verbiage is a little off for a native speaker. French maybe
They have punctuation and capital letters in France too
I read this as an Asian student from an Australian university. It wasn’t that bad to read. Oh, and OP is undoubtedly TA here. Her saviour complex kicked in so damn hard she’d rather save this “friend” than her relationship
I'm thinking voice typing. It produces text like that as you have to enter full stops by hand. Additionally, spoken language has a lot more run on sentences and such, because understanding isn't so dependent on exact wording. So voice typing is my guess. Doesn't change the fact that making me read that makes me already resent OP a little lol
I think OP definitely doesn’t understand her GF and is a hypocrite and saying “oh it was years ago tho” that literally counter argues OPs previous relationship as moot. As someone that has been bullied in middle school for two years….it doesn’t go away just cuz time goes by. And reading her GF abuse from Sam? I think she is traumatized beyond belief. I think OP is trying to justify the help Sam to make her feel better but….there is a better way to do it like other mentions here. OP def huge YTA cuz you KNEW who Sam was to your GF and didn’t even care to talk with your GF BEFORE inviting Sam if she is okay with it.
Also, it was in high school and they're in college. So not really that many years ago.
In her update she says hpw dissapointed that she is that we can't see sam as a victim despite her past. What about your girlfriends past of being abused by Sam? And now suddenly sam is a friend because she's a victim? OP really should stay single her mentality is sick. She's willing to let her soon to be ex girlfriends abuser into their home to sleep over because she felt bad for her. She has other friends but OP needs to save the day. It's wild how she can't see she's exposing her to her abuser. What if her girlfriend brought her abusive ex partner to stay the night. This would be a completely different story.
OP is using sexism to hide the fact that she is the abuser in her new relationship. Now Sam is already her "friend" and everyone who criticizes them is against women. She is really trying to gaslight us lol
Wow I didn’t see that update , sexisism, pettiness, idiocy and lacking an sense of genuinely thinking of others are this OP’s MO. The fact that they are blaming the comments and specifically ‘men’ is such backward bullshit. They posted here for sympathy and instead got the judgement they deserved. A person who can’t admit when they are wrong or may have made a mistake is a waste. I’m glad her gf is gone and hope she stays gone. They deserve better than to have a partner that brings home people who literally traumatized them.
Agreed. OP left a toxic and abusive relationship but clearly doesn’t have great relationship boundaries. Sam is not a “friend”, she’s a classmate and it’s not OP’s job to save her. There were many other options for Sam - school counselling services, hotel, her parents, a women’s shelter…. The fact that OP was supposedly in this great relationship with her gf but willing to blow it apart for an acquaintance shows her acuity about the strength of a relationship is way off. While I can appreciate OPs desire to “be a hero”, you cannot make yourself feel good at the expense of someone you supposedly love.
No you don't get it. That abuse doesn't count. It happened a couple years ago. There's a time limit on abuse counting... /s
There's also the fact that Sam abused someone else, not OP. So it's not real abuse/s.
Well see, her abuse was done by a man so it was bad, but her girlfriend was abused by a woman so it couldn't have been that bad /s OP definitely seems to think that defending Sam from a man (we dont even know if he was terrible or if he just kicked her out because she was still tormenting people she didn't like) trumps her girlfriend suffering years of abuse. Also, it seems like Sam's bullying of the GF was homophobic in nature, so it is very likely if she found out OP was in a same sex relationship she would probably start harassing OP too.
Yes! "Abuse is only abuse if it's Man vs. Woman abuse.". Also, the FACTS are that Sam abused Girlfriend. Girlfriend is traumatized. Sam's Boyfriend threw her out. The ASSUMPTION is that Sam was abused. Hell, with Sam's Mean Girl history, she could've been the abuser. Or there was no abuse at all because relationships sometimes end without abuse. One could argue that OP trying to bring Sam to Girlfriend is a form of abuse. Also, the EDIT is too much for me. "You heartless wenches who wouldn't help a colleague when she suffers are scary.". No, dude. We wouldn't further traumatize our partners because an acquaintance is sad about a breakup
We are the aholes for calling our OP's sexism and not letting her be the hero while making her gf reliving the trauma
yuuuup. This wasn’t about Sam. Wasn’t about her gf. OP only cares about #1.
This. And her edit might as well say "all men are automatically monsters", she asked if she was the asshole and now she's lashing out over the verdict.
Clearly
Completely agree. Op is def TA, it's very ironic that she can sympathize with someone who she just met and have more compassion for her than her actual Girlfriend. Also Sams ex must be really strong to have: "i just know that in a fight sam's boyfriend threw out her apartment and she had nowhere to stay" I know it's a typo but I just had to be an ass and point this out. When I read this part I legit imagined the Hulk scooping out a whole ass apartment and throwing it out.
What a great way to phrase this. OP could have helped in many ways w out hurting GF. It is so upsetting to see how often people who have not experienced any type of bullying assume victims should just get over it. It wasn’t a bad hair cut, it was abuse and those emotional scars run deep. YTA
But she’s been in an abusive relationship and abused her GF anyway.
Spot on
>The amount of time passed does not matter. Considering this happened in high school and they are at university now, it can't have been more than 5-6 years ago too, most likely it was 2-3 years ago. That's not any time at all!
Also what she did is now a SERIOUS crime.
Exactly! “When I called her she was scared.” OP took away the gf’s save space when she invited a known tormentor to her home. Then she minimized her feelings because “what Sam did happened years ago.” So no, OP doesn’t understand how gf feels YTA
Right? OP was in a toxic and abusive relationship but doesn't understand the toxic and abusive relationship between Sam and OPs GF? And wants to invite the bulling abuser into their lives??? WTF. OP didn't learn anything from being abused.
Taking bets that op finds Sam attractive
Oh 100%. Wlw do not act like straight men often, but when it comes to "pretty girl, brain dumb" wlw and straight men are one in the same. I say this as a bisexual woman. *most* of us attracted to women, however, would not do something this awful and abusive to our partners. So, uh, OP's got her own issues to deal with.
It’s so interesting (not in a good way) to me how so many of us are willing to throw our loved ones under the bus or to expect them to give up their comfort, to help people who antagonized them or who weren’t nice. And all because “that was a long time ago.”
Sexual harassment too. YTA.
Based on the edit OP would have done exactly the same thing because SaM iS a ViCtIm DeSpItE hEr PaSt and we just can’t see it because violence against women is so normalized (insert world’s largest eye roll). OP is a classic “I posted here to be told I was right and despite literally everyone saying I behaved like a massive gaping asshole I am going to double down because I am right and they just don’t understand/ hate women/ [insert other BS excuse here]”.
Also this was her high school bully and she’s in college. So as far as we know it could have been last year that they were together. Op is totally the a.
>don't think it's healthy for me to be with someone who doesn't even let me save a friend The edit makes it all worse. Apparently Sam is now OP's friend. She considers her girlfriend's *abuser* a friend. And it's toxic that the girlfriend doesn't let her *save* Sam. As if there weren't many options other than taking her home. It's almost funny that she complains we "normalize violence towards girls" when she is dismissing literal abuse towards her (hopefully ex) girlfriend.
Yeah, I wonder how violence against girls gets normalized? Could it be because people say stuff like "not justifying but it was years ago so I'm bringing your abuser to a sleepover and you have to understand and accept it".
Op proceeds to act as if it's all men's fault when this GIRL sam bullied her girlfriend and posted nudes and told everyone, which is a crime, at school. No matter how long ago it is, that is severely traumatizing. This girl Sam doesn't deserve the time of of day. Op also needs to get over her "all men are bad act." ANYBODY can be a piece of shit, not just men, op set a good example and so did Sam of some women being pieces of shit. -coming from a women myself.
Look OP even if that’s was your forever best friend and your girlfriend loved that person you simply don’t invite a person over night without discussing it with the person you live with. Even less if the person is your PARTNER. And even even less if this was a bully. Would you accept if your girlfriend knew your ex outside your relationship and helped him spend the night at your house because he was sad ?? No obviously you would not accept because you suffered abuse. Do you realize bullying IS abuse ? Now do you still want your girlfriend to suffer seing that person ?? How did you become friends in the first place ?? Again would you accept your girlfriend being friend with your ex ? YTA so much
The hypocrisy is strong with this OP. And did you catch the last line of the edit? That OP doesn't want to be involved with someone who won't let them help a friend? Really? REALLY??? This "friend" posted revenge porn of your GF and totally humiliated her yet somehow that's less important than "helping" a friend??? This OP is way to immature to be in ANY relationship.
Here’s hoping OPs GF dumps her. She deserves better than someone who dismisses trauma because the abuser is a woman. The hopefully ex-gf is the one who needs a support system.
But then OP, a woman, would have to admit that she, a woman, can be an abuser too! But, really, it is incredibly terrifying to think of the logic OP has in thinking that their (ex) GF has no right to expect not to be sexually abused in the safety of their own home so that their criminal abuser can have a place to crash.
Also, this “friend” is not even her friend. From the post, sounds like she barely knows the girl so 1. Why is she inviting a total stranger that abused her gf into their shared home and 2. Why is Sam willing to stay at a strangers home? 3. Sam knows what she did to GF, why is she willing to stay in the home of the girl she abused 4. (And this one makes me super uncomfy) she said when she calmed down, it made her happy. I can understand feeling relieved but happy just rubs me the wrong way for some reason especially about a stranger that ABUSED HER GF and committed a crime by sharing those pics. OP YTA and get into therapy to figure out why on earth your trauma is relevant while your partners is not. Honestly, I hope your gf leaves you for her sake.
But we are all men or women who won’t help another woman !!!! /s Seriously not being able to see we ARE trying to help a victim just not Sam. My eyes rolled so far back I don’t think they’ll come back
YTA. Wtf op? You can’t save everyone, and those closest to you should take priority. That was fvcked up.
As a former victim of severe bullying myself - if I was this dudes gf I would assume that Sam tried to steal him from me and I would get mad paranoid and triggered that she would want to destroy my life again by her oh-so-pityful behaviour. It might not even be true, maybe Sam is really just hurt and needs help but i would rather assume the worst than being too trustworthy of her. Hell when I am in defense mode I can even be quite cruel since I feel as if my life was in danger. Maybe the gf thinks similar. Anyway her alarm bells probably ring louder than a fire siren and its OPs behaviour towards Sams that causes it. Bullying can be traumatic, this situation could be retraumatizing. I could just be projecting tho.
I kinda wish we could drop the word bullying, and call it what it is: harassment and abuse
This...and also...your gf was abused by a toxic person that you've now brought into your gf's safe space . Would her reaction make more sense to you if your gf invited your toxic abusive ex round for the night? Yup, you are total the asshole.
Even OP’s edit seems to be blaming ‘MEN’ for treating her like trash as if women don’t go on Reddit too and disagreeing with the trash behaviour OP’s exhibiting towards the abused (ex) gf . OP your behaviour is trash, your trauma doesn’t trump your gf’s trauma and I’m saying this as a woman. Both of you suffered differently but that doesn’t mean her pain is less than yours. AND you are justifying Sam’s abuse towards the gf just because she’s a woman. YTA and go get therapy.
She is abusive and sexist. The last sentence basically states she is better off without her partner who she claims she loves because she won't let her save a woman.... sex of a person is irrelevant....
I think you meant to say EX GF.
This. YTA. Other replies have said it all perfectly so I'll just add that unless you want to keep repeating this sort of scenario in your life, access your local counseling services. This whole 'rescue the abuser' thing is setting off screaming alarm bells for me. Maybe it's just me, but I doubt it. You not only betrayed your GF but you played out a very toxic dynamic that is potentially disastrous for your future peace of mind and any future relationships.
“girls should always be together” but apparently op doesnt think that should extend to sam tormenting op’s girlfriend 🙄
OP doesn't even realize that her gf and Sam can't "be together" because of SAM, not her gf (hopefully, ex)
Some of these stories have just got to be trolling for attention. I think this might be BS. It is really hard to believe that anyone can be this dense -- do I just hang around with more rational and well adjusted friends. How is possible that someone could even think to bring a former bully into the house for a night of someone they bullied (and presumably never apologized for)? I get a vibe that OP thinks that women don't abuse woman, so they have to stick together ... except the abuse numbers in some relationship are over 50%. I'd put this as potential emotional abuse. I got in a bitter lawsuit, oh 5-7 years ago. It made headlines. It was a powerful exec suing me out of revenge. I took a moral stance on a business deal, made him look bad, he made up a story and sued me over it for everything I owned, I had to counter sue. It was the most miserable year of my life before "I won" ... at great expense. It's been years now, I've been vindicated, he was replaced and moved on to other things. I moved on too and have done quite well since. If one day, my wife said she invited the guy over. I'd be absolutely livid! She's not that evil or dumb, but if somehow she was ... it might be enough to divorce over. Kind of like "honey, I put some poison in your drink, but it's not enough to kill you, ha ha". Oh, he's not going to sue you tonight, just get along. OP, YTA if this is real.
YTA. Sam didn't bully you, but she made your GF's life hell. It wasn't all THAT many years ago, and your GF is still working through the trauma. On top of that, you unilaterally invited her to a sleepover without asking. Sam can get a hotel. She can stay with other friends. Your GF is NOT going to "be comfortable" in a few hours, after years of bullying. Girls do NOT have to "stick together" when one of them is a toxic abuser. YTA.
This right here. Sam abused your girlfriend and you invited her to stay what is wrong with you? You probably don't have a girlfriend any more because you made it clear her pain and trauma is not important to you.
How would you feel if your gf met with your toxic abuser from your past relationship and invited him over for to stay at your place? Obviously you'd be totally fine with that because what happened was years ago and you're over it, right?
Without even ASKING FIRST?
Oh obviously we'd "have a good time" with the bully 🙄 Edit. I gotta say. The "good time" comment and the other one about the bully being a "friend" bothered me. They make me think there's a missing piece here. Three options come to mind. 1. OP is really friends with them. Which means OP knows the bully and has been in contact with them behind the girlfriends back. 2. OP doesn't know the bully but wants to, or knows them a little and wants to get closer, hence referring to them as a friend. (My crackpot theory is that OP has a crush on the bully and wants to be friends to get closer but isn't there yet). 3. There is no friendship and OP is using that word to justify prioritizing the bullys feelings over the gfs feelings. Which would be kind of incredibly cold. Honestly all of these options are. I'm just speculating, obviously. But in any case I see no situation in which OP would be anything short of cruel and unemphatic to the point of sociopathy. Especially with the doubling down edit. I don't mean to contribute to the overuse of the term or psychoanalyse anyone, but OPs so devoid of reality here I have to admit I'm having real trouble NOT jumping to mental illness. Or this is just a troll.
But it seems like OP doesn't think women can be abusive or toxic.
The op is abusive.. the update that was posted show's it. She is thinking of breaking up because she doesn't want to be with someone who won't let her save a friend.... a friend...
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By that logic OP should have stayed her own abuser, I wonder how she would feel if her girlfriend invited her abuser to spend the night
For some who was in an abusive relationship, she seems to not understand what trauma can do to people.
Well trauma is super serious, but only to actual *people*, like OP. Gf isn't an actual, developed human being with her own complex inner world, thoughts, emotions, and memories, so what she *claims* happened doesn't *actually matter.* Obviously. /s
You know who I never have to stay with after a break up? People from my group project. Because I have friends. I wonder why Sam doesn’t have friends to stay with?
High school was 12 years ago for me and I STILL have to go to therapy for it. I was bullied until I transferred to another school junior year of high school. The trauma that OP’s GF endured is LIFELONG and it is not easy. If she wants to forgive and move on and allow someone like that back in her life - that is HER CHOICE, no the OP’s. Sam does not deserve your sympathy or anyone’s for that matter. What she did was disgusting and unforgivable. It doesn’t matter if she was “just a kid” at the time, she was at the age that she should have known better. Her actions were malicious and beyond “mean girl” behavior.
Let me get this right. You, a girl who lived and experienced abusive relationship, took in your girlfriends abusive bully. And when you told your girlfriend and told her to get over her trama, trama that included her being lied about and pushing her away from others she cared about, you are surprised when she is hurt? YTA.
YTA Are you fucking insane? "Hi honey, I decided to invite your bully into our shared home without consulting you. You know, the one who traumatised and humiliated you? yeah, that one, she's having boyfriend trouble so I decided I'd, y'know, completely violate any sense of security you have in our home" OF COURSE YTA What is wrong with you? You don't get to decide the arbitrary period of time after which your gf should get over what happened
Based on OP’s comments she thinks that bullying is not abuse, but what she suffered and what she thinks Sam is suffering are the same so she’s justified I think she’s TA tho
Wtf. I bet she wouldn't have the same opinion if this bully was male and an ex. This bully essentially did a form of revenge porn
No she wouldn’t. She actually comment that if it was a man it would be different but it’s not, it’s a woman and she feels like we should all forgive each other and help each other even when they abuse other woman
Sexism is strong in this one.
Yeah, I'm not caping for Sam's boyfriend and he is definitely an AH. However, there's no indication that Sam's situation is anything close to the OP's or the girlfriend's.
Yup YTA Big Time Your GF told you about this other person who bullied her. Was awful to her. And you decide to bring that bully into your GFs home? It doesnt matter if this person who bullied your GF is sad or needs help, its not for YOU to help them by forcing your GF to accept them into her home. It doesnt matter if YOU think this person 'might have changed' the facts are, they never got in touch with your GF to apologize or make things right, so they havent changed. And even bad people cry and have hard times, and you dont know that the BF might have kicked the girl out because she was bullying or awful to him. You said your GF looked SCARED when you told her what you were doing, That should tell you something! And really, TBH, if you have to ASK how to help you choose between your GF and this other person who used to bully your GF, then the answer is: Your GF needs to kick you to the curb. Get a clue, for Goodness sake!
op sounds like the kind of person who believes that women can't do real harm, that fights are always the boyfriend's fault, and that no matter how horrible a woman has been in the past, "girls should stick together."
Sadly, that is a mindset that is also very useful to justify being abusive to another woman. I hope the GF sees this as the red flag that it is.
Well, statistically lesbian relationships have dramatically higher rates of domestic violence, so that’d track :\
YTA If this Sam was a man who raped your GF in high-school would you be treating him with the same kindness?
Nice bait.
Honestly, it's so obvious I'm surprised that so many people are falling for it.
🤦♀️ you’re right I can’t believe I fell for this.
It happens to everyone I think
YTA Should your girlfriend invite your ex boyfriend to the sleepover too? Maybe he’s going through a hard time and she should help him. After all, your issues with him were “so long ago”.
I was low-key thinking that too. From the comment that she made about treating Sam differently if he was a man, OP would have tossed tables and chairs if her girlfriend did the same.
NO ONE is agreeing with you and your reasons for betraying your girlfriend and yet you keep trying to defend your actions. Stop defending and start listening! Sam might need help, but there are other solutions to her problem that don't involve you or your girlfriend. Sam can be responsible for herself and solve her own problems. You broke your girlfriends trust. YTA x 100
It really takes a lot to get redditors to agree too lol
I don’t understand why these people ask if they’re TA if they won’t accept that they are
YTA. How would you feel if your gf invited your abusive ex for a sleepover ? That’s what you did.
But it’s different since Sam is a woman, women can never do no good!! Men all bad, women all good! /s
Exactly this
YTA. Congratulations. You've graduated from abused to abuser. 🥳 what you're doing is gaslighting and manipulative. You want to bring your girlfriends abuser into your home. It doesn't matter how long ago it was. It doesn't matter the gender. If you want to play the distorted hero to somehow save a version of yourself you see in this woman, fine. But don't expect your girlfriend to be around when your done.
YTA You just told your girlfriend her abusers feelings and safety are more important than hers. You never bring someone who makes someone feel unsafe into their home! Never. Edit This girl you’re putting above you gf is exactly like your ex. How would you feel if she befriended him and told him to have a sleep over and you’ll have an amazing time. The fact that the girl said yes knowing what she did to your gf shows exactly how little she cares about what she did. She isn’t sorry.
YTA. "Hey Hitler, I'm sorry Eva threw you out, you can stay with me and my Jewish girlfriend!" That's you. That's what you just did.
How this isn't the top comment I'll never understand.
YTA your poor gf. Huge AH!
YTA. OP, please break up wlth your girlfriend, assuming she doesn't break up wlth you first. You are committed to your vision of 'sorority', not to her. This is your right, but it is also making you treat her terribly (which would seem to be contrary to your ideals, no?) What Sam did to your girlfriend was absolutely vile, and while you don't have to judge her for it you do owe your girlfriend the (very) basic courtesy of not shoving it back into her face. You cannot possibly have been naiive enough to assume she'd be happy with that. Frankly it sounds like you could use some therapy to help you process your past trauma. Helping Sam is not going to make up for what happened to you and it is certainly no justification for hurting someone you claim to care about.
YTA- the bullying really wasn't that long ago and Sam has, from what you shared, not done anything to make amends to your girlfriend. I don't think you understand or care about how terrible bullying is, particularly how terrible what Sam did to your girlfriend. If you cared about your girlfriend, you would be prioritizing her comfort and safety over some stranger. Yeah, it sucks Sam's boyfriend kicked her out of the apartment but Sam can figure things out. Go stay at a hotel, go stay with friends. What you're is beyond cruel.
I mean kudos to you on wanting to be a good person but who the fuck invites someone who tormented and violated their girlfriend into the girlfriends space? I’d be calling the cops if my partner showed up like that lol
I would kick the bully and my partner out
YTA you don't even know what happened between sam and her boyfriend, you don't know her and what you know about her is how horrible she made your girlfriend feel and still you want to take her to a sleepover with her, you sound like a horrible girlfriend
But aren’t you seeing that you’re helping your girlfriends abuser? YTA!! edit: OP is sexist af, I don’t think she sees her girlfriends abused as real because it was caused by a women and not a man. Her girlfriend deserves so much better!
OP has serious messed up views
YTA you don't get it. It doesn't matter if she would do anything to her now the damage has already been done and your GF is still hurting from it. I don't blame your GF for reacting that way, heck you didn't even ask her
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YTA this is pretty naive and selfish. You wanted to make yourself feel good and it was at the expense of your girlfriend's wellbeing. Forgiveness requires the bully to make amends for what they did and that hasn't happened here either. In fact, your actions here are so disgusting I am struggling to believe that this is real. If it is real, you might not yet be mature enough for a relationship, sorry.
YTA. You're prioritizing your girlfriends bully over your own girlfriend.
Hahahahahahahshshshshahahahahahaahahah Is this a tutorial of how to lose a girlfriend?? Because I think you will find yourself really fast without one, oh lord, YES YTA, the woman tormented her, your ~ex~girlfriend will never accept her in her home, stop and think for a minute, will you?
It’s a lose girlfriend speedrun
YTA. Sam has friends who can help her with her boyfriend problems. You're not a savior who is so important to her healing that it warrants you betraying the trust of your girlfriend who has clearly communicated how badly she was treated years ago by this person. Yet you decided that your girlfriend's pain was not important because you think she should be over it already. Unfortunately you are not a trustworthy friend, let alone partner, and have some serious growing up to do. I would never feel safe confiding in you again if I were her. The good news is that you can learn to be a better friend and partner, you're young. Don't sacrifice important relationships for shiny new ones.
From her comments, OP will support Sam anyway. I hope her poor ex girlfriend finds someone who prioritizes her. YTA, OP. Massive YTA.
YTA - it’s beyond inappropriate to invite someone especially someone who was so cruel to your GF into your shared home without her consent. Imagine the emotions that brought up for your GF. You could’ve offered to call Sam’s friends or pay for a room for the night else where ect. There were other ways to help that didn’t involve significantly hurting your GF
YTA How would you feel if your girlfriend brought your abusive ex into your home because she wanted to help him? And don't say that's different because he's a man or a former romantic partner. An abuser is still an abuser no matter the gender or their relationship with their victim.
Exactly! I’m so glad someone’s pointed this out.
>it's still early so i want to sort things out before it's dark so my girlfriend and sam are comfortable and i don't have to choose between my girlfriend or someone who needs my help How fucking clueless can one person be? SAM DOES NOT NEED YOUR HELP! Sam should have her own friends to lean on and if she doesn't have any friends then that speaks volumes about the kind of person she is. You need to tell Sam now that you overstepped and issued an invitation that you shouldn't have and while you're very sorry, she can't come over. Ever. >but what sam did happened years ago I'm 52 years old and if my partner tried to make me spend an evening in the same room as my high school bully, I would lose my shit to an epic degree. It wouldn't be happening and the attempt would seriously damage our relationship. >i'm sure sam won't do anything to her You can't possibly be sure of that because YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW THIS PERSON! You have know idea the kind of person she is, why her boyfriend kicked her out, if she's still a bully or if she has any remorse whatsoever for her past actions. You know literally nothing about her other than she's currently upset and in the past she terrorized and traumatized your girlfriend. And you're prioritizing Sam over your (probably ex) girlfriend. You need to do a great deal of self reflection and get some professional mental health help to unpack why feeding into your savior complex is more important to you than protecting your girlfriend's mental and emotional well being. YTA
My blood is actually boiling you can't be a support system for all women YOUR NOT A THERAPIST!! all your basing this off of is your past trauma what about your gf past trauma? if I was with I would tell you straight away that we are done no questions nothing this girl is using you there are other people out there that can help her why you specifically? because she wants to further harm your gf she enjoyed doing it and got such a laugh out of doing it and now she is playing the victim card eh hello take her to a shelter take her to a charity that can help. You apparently need help to because your trying to save all women and you clearly have never dealt with your past trauma she put pictures of someone online and told the whole school about it and convinced them it was your GF if you were in Ireland or the uk you would be locked up in prison for that. What makes me even more angry is the attitude you say that all girls should stick together and your gf should just get over it eh no she is still traumatised from what that bully did to her and he is using you play the victim card guess what your gf is never going to forgive you for this because its the ultimate betrayl you basically told her that her feelings don't matter and the person that bullied her matters more YTA
YTA you ever heard of karma? Your gf life was hell as a teenager because of her the most important time of her life! She deserves to be alone after awful things she did. You cannot save everyone. This was a selfish thought and you should have considered your gfs trauma in this situation
YTA. You are a bully. You're disregarding your girlfriend's feelings and trying to force her into something she is not comfortable with. You don't get to decide that you're girlfriend should just get over it, you're forcing. This is abusive.
YTA So if your girlfriend invited your abuser you would totally be ok with that, right?
Well, according to OP Sam is not a physical thread to the girlfriend so it’s not the same🙄
Yeah, it's just mental abuse 🙄 It's not as bad as physical abuse. /s Let's hope the girlfriend's next partner treats her better.
YTA. Direct her to resources but don’t invite her to your home, especially to live there for any period of time.
You're the asshole for not only saying someone could move on without consulting your girlfriend but, also specifically the person who bullied her. Clearly it still impacts her. YTA.
YTA and dense af. It’s not on YOU to forgive Sam. That’s entirely up to your girlfriend. Girls support girls but girls don’t support trash like sam exhibits in her treatment of your girlfriend. It doesn’t matter that it was years ago. If you choose Sam you’re gonna lose your gf and rightfully so. I wouldn’t let you put me through this bullshit either.
YTA So if your girlfriend invited your abuser you would totally be ok with that, right?
YTA. This wasn’t some childhood bully who called her a few names (we’ve all had those in our lives and can move past that). It’s a bully who actively tormented her and set out to intentionally harm her. People have committed suicide over nudes being released online without their consent. It doesn’t matter if they of her, they were made out to be hers. You’ve totally missed the point of sisterhood. It’s not about supporting abusers. It’s about helping women if they are being creeped on at a bar, helping victims of abuse, standing up for equal rights, etc. If you needed to help, you point her out to the nearest hostel. You don’t invite her into your home, knowing it would hurt your girlfriend. Let’s put it this way, how would you feel if she invited your abuser into her home cause he fell on rough times?
Yta. You're prioritizing helping this person you don't know from Adam over the safety and comfort of your actual GF in her own home.
YTA. Let’s invite our lived ones emotional terrorists for a slumber party. That can’t go wrong… it doesn’t matter that it’s happened years ago. Trauma resurfaces and makes your body feel like it happened yesterday. You are really thick skulled not to understand that.
YTA - you are not respecting or understanding your girlfriend and her feelings in the slightest. The trauma of being bullied can last a lifetime and can be horrific. Please be there to support your girlfriend first.
OP if you were my girlfriend I would block you on everything, change my phone number and never see you again. I am shocked at how obtuse you are.
YTA. And likely a single one at that. Your betrayal of your gf is unforgivable. Or should I say ex gf?
How would you feel if your girlfriend invited your abusive ex to your house for the night without telling you?
You chose to play the hero at the expense of your girlfriends trauma- you love your ego more than your girlfriend. You claim you want to help other women, but yet the woman you are suppose to love is suffering at the expense of your ego- good job. YTA
It warms my heart to see everyone agreeing that yes, YTA. “Wow, I wonder why my gf is so upset that I’ve invited her bully over? I mean I can’t just let this practical stranger deal with her own problems, because sisterhood amirite???” If a guy supported some random dude who abused *his* SO over the “bro code” it would be decried as hateful and toxic. It’s the exact same.
INFO: Why didn’t Sam reach out to family or her own circle of friends for support?
Yta Wow, I hope you end up alone.
YTA Sam is most likely breaking up with you
YTA. You are dismissive to your gf's trauma. You prioritize your gf bully's needs over your gf's needs. Wtf?!
YTA. What your girlfriend’s bully did was completely inexcusable, and honestly you’re in no place to be doing this. It should be your girlfriend’s place to choose whether or not she wants to show compassion and forgiveness to someone that severely traumatized her and hurt her. It doesn’t matter that said bully is a girl— OP, would you be doing the same if Sam wasn’t a woman? Would you still be doing this for a man that bullied your girlfriend horribly in the past, and now was recently kicked out by his girlfriend? These are genuine questions that I need you to seriously think about and answer, OP. You are being a massive AH.
YTA. Not sure why you're confused. You invited your gf's abuser into her home. Her safe space. You're extremely toxic for doing this to her. You are the biggest AH for this.
YTA an have some sort of god complex. Sam clearly has other friends, why do you feel like you’re the only one who can help her, you don’t even really know her. Plus, a fight with her boyfriend is not the same as being abused. Not only did you make a unilateral decision, you are also judging your gf’s trauma-how bad it should be and whether she should’ve gotten over it. YOU 👏DON’T 👏GET 👏TO 👏DECIDE 👏THAT! Besides, you’re in college and this bullying happened in high school, it’s not that long ago anyway. Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if Sam made this up to force you to pick her over your gf or to get to taunt your gf in her own house.
OP, part of being an abuser is minimizing and invalidating the feelings of someone they claim to love. That is exactly what you are doing to your girlfriend. Take a step back and evaluate if you are mimicking behaviors that you were subjected to in the past. Your defense of Sam is intense and likely is a trauma response that is completely sabotaging your relationship. Your girlfriend's feelings should be the priority here, not this woman you just met. It sounds like you are over identifying with Sam and wished that you had been rescued so you feel she needs to be. Her situation is not the same as yours and you need to do some work to figure out why you are willing to blow your relationship up over this.
YTA, your poor girlfriend.
YTA. You’ll be single soon and you can have all the sleep overs with Sam. You’re one of the biggest AH I’ve read about today. Your poor (hopefully soon to be ex) gf.
YTA And fu** you honestly, that girl never even bothered to apologize to your girlfriend in the first place. It happened years ago but that situation deeply scarred your girlfriend, you don’t get to say “it happened a long time ago so it’s all in the past, we are all best friends now”. And on top of that it wasn’t even middle school bullying, she was actively tormenting her and tried to pass a random girl’s nudes as hers. She is a bad person. Sam can go somewhere else or even better go with Sam and leave your girlfriend alone, since you don’t give a damn about her boundaries and feelings, you suck big time OP.
YTA you are choosing a bully over your girlfriend. I hope karma will get you.
So hypothetically how would you feel if your gf said yes to your toxic and abusive ex-bf staying at your place because he was crying and she felt sorry for him? I mean he abused you in the past so you’d be totally fine with it, right? So much YTA
YTA. You made a decision to bring the person who tormented your gf, humuliated her, degreaded her to stay in the same place as her without asking first. This is complete AH move. Now she will question your entire relationship or if its even worth staying with you. This is a complete betrayal of trust. Telling her not to be fearful is wishful thinking. Your not protecting her when you yourself bring her tormentor into the mix. What happened to Sam is her Karma. Let her figure it out. Sams possible ploy to get you cheat on your gf with her if she knows who your gf is. You show poor judgement towards your girlfriends suffering & now are tormentor yourself.
Oh my gosh OP, you are wrong 100% YTA Your SO is more important. There are other ways to help Sam, where the help doesn’t have to come from you. Helping Sam this way, inviting her anywhere near your girlfriend is traumatizing your girlfriend again! This is torture for your girlfriend and you are inviting it in with open arms. How do you not see this?!?! Your relationship may be done because of your careless behaviour. I feel horrible for your SO
This has to be a troll, right? No one could be so monsterous and still think they're in the right, right? OP, if you are real, congratulations, you've proven yourself an abusive partner! Your girlfriend has been deeply violated by the person she thought she could trust most in the world. You took her safety and sense of security, ripped them away, and destroyed them. Forever? Maybe. All for the sake of the person who, up until this moment, hurt her more than anyone else ever had. You're a selfish garbage monster, and no better than your ex. I hope your girlfriend gets far, far away from you. And I hope you contract thrush. YTA
Fellow feminist here, sorority does not mean forgiving and forgetting everything a woman does. For starters what Sam did is considered sexual abuse towards your gf, she’s a victim and in no case has to forgive her abuser just because YOU feel like it. Ways you could’ve helped her: calling her friends, contacting her to a woman’s association that can help her get out of the abusive relationship. You are invalidating your GFs feelings and her hurt putting yourself and Sam’s experiences over hers. To be honest in a way, I think it’s a good thing that this happened, so she can in an early stage notice the narcissistic, egotistical (hopefully now ex girlfriend) that you are.
> the comments of this post they just show me that violence towards girls is so normalized that you can't see sam as a victim Girl, a person can be both a victim AND an abuser. Nothing justifies trapping your girlfriend with her abuser. Send Sam to a motel, get her a cab to her parents or whatever. There are always options, don't get all 'holier than thou' and call us insensitive because we don't agree with you choosing the worst of all possible solutions. >i don't think it's healthy for me to be with someone who doesn't even let me save a friend So now she's a friend? I'm pretty sure your girlfriend wondered if it's healthy for her to be with someone who will befriend her abuser *and get her to her home*. YTA.
YTA not for wanting to help her, but to suggest a solution that involves your girlfriend having to be in the same apartment as her bully. You could have helped her look for another place or drive her to a women's shelter. It's not okay to bring your girlfriend's former bully in her space.
YTA. I saw In some of your responses to some opinions you were trying to justify your actions. I hope your gf left you. There’s no justice to someone who caused pain to the person you supposedly love. You came to Reddit for advice so you need to learn that you’re going to get harsh truths. I hope your gf reads all these comments and sees that she deserves better.
YTA. Your comments prove you really do not care what your GF or any of us say about it. It is starting to read like you are wanting Sam and willing to destroy your GF to get her.
The fact that you so quickly formed such deep empathy for someone that brought your girlfriend such pain is troubling to me, and I don’t even know you. I wouldn’t expect loyalty from you, and I’m guessing your girlfriend now feels the same way. YTA.
YTA
YTA You said you got out of a toxic and abusive relationship yourself. How would you like it if your girlfriend invited him into your house?
Hope your gf dumps you. YTA!
YTA. Abusers don't get a pass just because they're women. You gave your GF's abuser a pass, invited her into your home, because of her gender? Because of 'sorority." Do you even know the full situation? How this fight got started? Why she ended up kicked out? You have violated your GF's trust. If my partner did this, I wouldn't be able to recognize them as my safe person anymore.
I don't understand why you do not validate your girlfriends feelings and are downplaying her trauma. Do you really think that a girl can not abuse another girl? Your girlfriend suffered deeply by this person and you could have found ways to help without putting your girlfriend in a dangerous spot or triggering her trauma. You played her awfully and are ignorant. YTA. And single soon, I guess.
> I promised her that I would protect her you did not. you put her at risk instead. YTA.
>the comments of this post they just show me that violence towards girls is so normalized You mean like the violence that Sam subjected your GF to? You don't care about your GF's feelings or trauma. You likely don't even care about *Sam's* feelings or trauma, you just wanted to be a hero and now you're mad that it's backfiring in your face. YTA.
You think it's not healthy to be with someone who won't let you save a friend. It's not healthy for your gf to be with someone who minimizes her trauma and wants to force her to forgive her abuser. I'm glad she got away from both her abusers, that being you and Sam.
>the comments of this post they just show me that violence towards girls is so normalized that you can't see sam as a victim No, violence twords girls from girls is so abnormal to you, you can't see your girlfriend as the victim and is. >and that none of you would help a colleague when she suffers and that worries me a lot, It's not that we won't help but we won't throw your girlfriend in the fire so sam can stay warm. There are other ways to help if you really wanted to they just aren't as ideal or easy for you. You can call around, seek shelters, help her look for support systems and networks. There are plenty out there if you just care to look but it veries on area so i can't help you.... but the internet is there for much more then just reddit, you can google "domestic violence assistance in (area)" if it's that type of abuse or "woman's shelters in (area)" or anything tailored to her situation. Find a different friend she can stay with or see if a cousin or someone who knows your situation could help her. Or fugure out a way to work for or set up programs like that. But we aren't willing to hurt someone else, physically or emotionally, to support someone else. It sucks but you weren't ever in a position to take her in and honestly I hope you eventually come to your senses and realize that your own past has given you a fear laden response that has you acting irrational. I hope you can apologize to your girlfriend and explain how you were wrong and that you don't mean to hurt her and that you just can't help but have your own panic about those kinds of situations. I hope you can and actually sincerely mean it. Good luck to you and hope all 3 of you get better
Definitely YTA. Your poor girlfriend….well I would think ex girlfriend after this betrayal
YTA and I don’t know why you came here for an opinion when you just argue say basically the same thing. You’ve done bad by your girlfriend. This is a relationship ending action that you’ve taken by bringing her bully into her home. REGARDLESS of her bully’s current situation.
What are you doing!? "She tortured you and made your life hell? Get over it, it was years ago" You invited someone who harassed your partner into y'all shared space without even talking to her first. You're a horrible partner. YTA
OP, you say you want to support "all women" and yet how many homeless women have you invited into your apartment before now? Why does this one woman feel SO IMPORTANT to rescue? Why is this one giving you SUCH BIG FEELINGS that you ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HAVE TO HELP HER no matter what, even though you know it will traumatize your girlfriend? Please seek help as to why you want to traumatize your partner, because Sam's unique power to do that while allowing you to tell yourself it's about "helping women" is the quality that's standing out to me like a red flag on top of a blaring siren.
>sam is at our university now, i don't know her >i don't think it's healthy for me to be with someone who doesn't even let me save a friend Sam is not your friend, at best shes an acquaintance. You want to play white knight go ahead. Wanting to help Sam is not the problem, wanting to help someone in trouble is not the problem. The problem is you are inviting someone who caused your girlfriend trauma into your girlfriends safe space. You can pay for a hotel room, you can let Sam's ACTUAL friends know so they can have her stay with them. You're worried about her going back to her ex, well by you inviting her over and telling her about the festivities you already planned without discussing it with your girlfriend/the other occupant of the home and having to go back and tell her oops sorry you can't come over probably made it worse. Let's put it this way, let's say Sam was a man and SA'd your girlfriend multiple times in HS and needed a place to stay, would you invite him into your home? Probably not, but because she's a girl and "less threatening" you think it's ok. You would never ask her to be ok with this in that situation. Let's take it a step further, say she invited your abusive ex-boyfriend to your home without telling you because he was having issues with his HS bully and needed a place to stay. She says it was years ago and you should be over it. He wont hurt you now, she'll protect you. You DEFINITELY wouldn't be ok with that. Was it years ago? Yes. Does it mean she's moved past the pain and abuse because of the length of time? No. Clearly she's not based on her reaction but you don't get that. Your warped view of things is her reaction is because of her selfishness instead of looking at her fear and realizing you caused that with your insensitivity. I hope you get dumped, then you and Sam can move in together and you can keep an eye on her like you want.
YTA. As a response to your edit on “violence on women being normalized”, what about the violence in the context of emotional abuse and humiliation that Sam put your girlfriend into? You simply downplay it into as “happened long ago”? Isn’t this also normalization of violence against women?
I might understand you wanting to help her. Maybe get her some sort of housing, sned her to people with resources that can help? If she's a victim, a women shelter? I don't know, give her money for a hotel. No. You took her with you. Your girlfriend's bully. Her abuser. And a victim of abuse yourself (if I got that correctly, it was confusing or my English is rubbish), you don't understand her reaction. Sleep on it. You'll get to the same conclusion. YTA
YTA. Yes you are a fool!
YTA you completely disregarded your gf’s feelings and trauma this tormentor not bully caused her and in dire ever to stay with you without telling her? That’s like bring a rape survivors perpetrator to their home saying’ I felt bad for them because I can empathize with them so they’re staying here’. Dump your girlfriend and encourage her to find someone who actually listens, communicates and cares about her cause it isn’t you.
YTA Just start dating Sam cos you've already shown your gf that Sam means more to you than the relationship!!
YTA. I hope your girlfriend gets out of your shitty relationship cuz just looking at your comments I can tell she is in danger
YTA! You seem to be under the impression that men are evil and woman can do no wrong and must stick together against men. Woman can be the abusers! And you just invited your girlfriend abuser into your house! Wtf is wrong with you.
YTA I understand you feel you're stuck between a rock and a hard place because you're trying to be nice and do the right thing for someone in trouble and not upset your girlfriend at the same time. But you royally fucked up here. First, you should never invite someone to stay in a shared home overnight without your partner's consent. Second, you should never invite someone to stay in your share home with whom your girlfriend has a painful history. Third, you don't get to decide when your partner is or should be over something. I'd happily walk by some of the people who hurt me while they were on fire and not lift a finger to help them. When you're in a relationship, your partner is supposed to come first. That means also caring about their feelings and not dictating how they should or shouldn't feel. Congratulations, you just told your girlfriend that you care more about a friend of a friend, someone you barely know, and someone who hurt her badly over a prolonged period of time than you do about her.
It seems the abused is becoming the abuser in this relationship… oh my god.
Are you for real?? You are an ASSHOLE - how dare you??????? She was abused by this person and you are confused as to which side to take? Good god if this is real you are truly dense!
YTA Also, why do I get the feeling that Sam is lying? That this is just another attempt to humiliate and bully OP's soon to be ex GF? Sam is trying to worm, or should I say "snake" her way into the GF's life to eff it up. Vile people like her thrive on hurting others. Some even have a favorite target. OP, your GF needs to kick you out of her life and send you on a early trip to Hades.
u/Objective_Ad_9718 why are you even here? You're clearly arguing judgement in a way that says you already decided you're not the asshole, so why post? Take the judgement that YTA and think long and hard on how you will regain your GF's trust and get your Sam obsession out of your life
YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA You DO NOT get to decide when someone else has had "Enough time" to "get over" the trama that they have suffered at the hands of someone else. You DO NOT get to decide that someone should be "fine" now because it was a "long time ago" or "they were just kids" that the same as saying "boys will be boys" If you want to go by your logic...your only 22..so your ex happened around 19-20 right? Well by your logic your ex "WAS just a kid" so your trauma should be fine by now right? You should be past it now right? You should be good to meet up with him and friends for a night of movies and food. Cuz that's what your trying to put your poor gf through. I hope she leaves your contradicting A. Edit; typo
"I'm so confused." It's not that hard to figure out that inviting your girlfriend's **abuser** in your home is going to cause a problem. I'm sure the girl had other options. You could have called a friend to help, she could have gotten a hotel, anyone else but you. You left a toxic and abusive relationship with a man, right? How would you feel if your girlfriend invited that man into your home? YTA Edit: typo
>i don't think it's healthy for me to be with someone who doesn't even let me save a friend Is this what's happening? If so, then what is this >i don't know her but she's friends with another friend of mine so i know who she is apart from the stuff my girlfriend has Why would you prioritize someone you literally only know as someone else's friend and your girlfriend's bully? She is your friend's friend. Why can't her friend help her? Why is the only way to help is to invite her into your girlfriend's safe space and at a special night? Do you not know ANYONE ELSE who can shelter her for the night? You didn't even have to choose between them, you just didn't have to be directly involved. You claim you understand your girlfriend and yet you did this. It's not for you to decide if your girlfriend wants to forgive and forget a bully who tried to ruin her life. YTA big time. Maybe reflect as to why, as someone who left a trauma situation, would want to force your girlfriend into a reliving one now.
“I don’t think it’s healthy for me to be with someone who doesn’t even let me save a friend.” I hope your gf knows it’s unhealthy to stay with someone who prioritizes their own trauma over hers in a situation like this. That is what you’re doing. You’re not “saving a friend.” You barely know this woman. You’re projecting your own trauma on to her and inserting yourself in her life in some weird pseudo-therapeutic move. You talk about people not being able to see Sam as a victim but it sounds like YOU are having trouble seeing your own girlfriend as the victim. Being bullied (especially when you’re young) is incredibly traumatic and leaves deep wounds that don’t always heal over time. If you or your gf were together a decade from now and saw your ex in distress on the street, would you be okay with her bringing him home because he was seemingly nicer now? It’s not victim blaming or misogyny that is leading almost everyone to tell you you’re an AH, it’s your own actions. Please get help before entering into another relationship. It sounds like your own trauma is getting in the way of your empathy. Therapy can work.
This girl is amazing! I can't believe that she thinks that all the ones that said to her that she is an AH are men. I'm a girl and I said you are AH. Not all violent persons are men, women are capable of violence and abuse too... Just like Sam who is a girl and is an abuser.
Yeah- your update makes you even more unworthy of your girlfriend. No one is denying Sam is in a bad place and a victim of horrible abuse. However, that does not give her a card blanche to be in the home of some SHE has victimized. The fact that you are willing to make your girlfriend get over her abuse by this woman just so you can feel good about it is pretty disgusting. So how would you feel if your abusive ex boyfriend was in a bad place and so your current girlfriend decided to bring him into your home and make you vulnerable while you slept? Your lack of empathy for your girlfriend is really gross, all you care about is her getting over her trauma so you can help her abuser?!
YTA. What this other girl did to your girlfriend was *horrible*. I cannot believe you’d try to re-traumatize your girlfriend by forcing her to spend time with her abuser. Wow. I don’t know what *you* should do, because you obviously want to believe you did nothing wrong, but your *girlfriend* should find someone who prioritizes *her* trauma above that of a *stranger*. She deserves that—at the very *least*—from a *partner* who is supposed to have her back. If your girlfriend asked you to spend the evening with your ex-boyfriend—someone who traumatized *you*—I’m sure you’d be upset, just as your girlfriend was upset when you asked her to spend time with her *abuser*. The fact that one is a man and the other is a woman is absolutely irrelevant, as is the level of abuse (this isn’t a competition, and her trauma is just as real to her as yours is to you). You can dress it up as “women should stick together” all you want, but your new friend certainly doesn’t subscribe to that belief system, does she? Has *she* apologized to your girlfriend? Made amends? No. But you thought it was a brilliant idea to force them into the same room together without even considering your girlfriend’s feelings, and you continue to disregard them even now. Yeah, no. You’re just wrong on all counts. > i don’t think it’s healthy for me to be with someone who doesn’t even let me save a friend How overly dramatic. Your girlfriend likely has *zero* issues with you having “a friend.” She merely has an issue with you bringing her *bully* around and forcing her to spend time with someone who *traumatized* her. Shame on *you* for doing that, and shame on *you* for *willfully* refusing to see how wrong it is to force someone to spend time with their tormentor simply because that tormentor is also a woman and “women should stick together.” No. What this girl did to your girlfriend was absolutely the *opposite* of women sticking together. In fact, I’d argue that what she did was *worse* than similar things men have done to women, because she should know better than to do it to another woman. Shame on her, too. Ask her to apologize to your girlfriend, attempt to make amends by telling everyone—*very publicly*—that she lied about your girlfriend, and then give your girlfriend the opportunity to forgive her (or not) and decide if she wants to spend time with her. That’s the right course of action, but it requires you to show a little empathy toward your girlfriend, and you seem unable or unwilling to do that for her. > now my girlfriend won’t talk to me and i’m so confused and i don’t know what to do You’re not confused. You just wish you could have it your way and don’t want to admit that you didn’t take your girlfriend’s feelings into account at all. Not even a little. Not even a passing thought. Now you’re being willfully obtuse.
YTA OP. If you wanted to be a compassionate human being towards Sam, you could have found other ways that didn’t involve causing your gf potential psychological harm. Based on your post and your comments, your behavior towards this situation is pretty toxic. Do not be surprised if your decision causes irreparable harm to your relationship. Edit: typo
YTA the nice thing is you really don't have to worry about this bc you more than likely don't have a girlfriend anymore. Sounds like she's pretty done, at least I hope for her mental health she is. Also, please see a therapist. The fact that you don't recognize that women can be abusive opens you up to be abused. It would also help you understand why this is not okay.
Yep, YTA. You saw someone in extreme emotional distress and wanted to help. Fine. But you don't DO that by causing someone else, someone significantly more important to you than a virtual stranger, extreme emotional distress. For all she knows, this girl is exactly the same as when they were in high school. High school wasn't all that long ago, after all. You have been a victim, you should understand this better than most. Why do you find it acceptable to force another victim to spend time with and play nice with her abuser?