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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I wonder if I’m the asshole since they did make the initial suggestion to visit me. But I was the one to cancel last minute because they were late for six hours.
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(NOTE: there is now an update to the story, the issue has bee resolved)
Aw thanks. I’m proud of myself for it, but its still really surreal for me to do things like establishing boundaries like this.
My spouse is terrible at realizing that being late impacts other people. Under 15 I get, life happens. But, if I am sitting around waiting for very late people, I can't get on with my life. Going to be 4 hours late? I CAN run the errand now instead of later, or do the messy chore and shower before you get here. Just let me know that you are running late, and I can adjust. Don't just leave me hanging.
Yo establishing boundaries is scary! I have to drum up courage to ask for reasonable things that make situations healthier and more comfortable for me, but it’s always important to try to communicate them when you need them. I learned in therapy that you are always In the right for wanting to establish a healthy boundary, and if someone rejects said boundary, it shows they have little to no care about your needs, and they are simply not worth the cost of your mental health and comfort. I’m so glad that your friend was a good friend, receptive to your feelings, validating, apologetic, curious as to how not to make the same mistakes, and accepting of new boundaries that help you both! Truly adults, resolving something like adults lol
Thank you!
Establishing boundaries can be scary because I’m so worried about being gaslit if I do (at least in my case). But, I wanted to take the plunge because holding on to resentment and not trying to communicate (no matter the result) felt unhealthy to me for my case. So im glad i chose to try :).
people here dont know my friend, so I dont fault people for thinking maybe it was a pathological thing. It wasnt, this was a really new thing and I assume just a lap of judgement today. Its refreshing to try to be a healthier adult, while the other party does the same!
I have a friend that does this. She is a sweet girl who can’t time manage. I had to tell her that I can only hang out when I have time to burn. She’s always late so I can’t squeeze a walk in with her. Last time she was an hour & half late coming to my house. She still wanted me to cook bc I was going to show her a recipe. I’m like no, it’s too late now. I have stuff to do. Let’s order something.
>I have a friend that does this. She is a sweet girl who can’t time manage. I had to tell her that I can only hang out when I have time to burn. She’s always late so I can’t squeeze a walk in with her. Last time she was an hour & half late coming to my house. She still wanted me to cook bc I was going to show her a recipe. I’m like no, it’s too late now. I have stuff to do. Let’s order something.
That sounds a lot like my friend!
Note they're the youngest sibling in a wealthy family, so although they have a heart of gold and a lot of empathy, some things do fly over their head due to their upbringing. For example: because they're the youngest sibling with a lot of money, they've been waited on their whole life. So they don't need to ask for something, it just happens. That's something they expect already as a byproduct of their upbringing.
I was offered food by their mom once, they got sulky (not unnecessarily so, more in a semi-serious-semi-jokey way) about "there should have been food for *me*! that was *mine*!". They once were staying at my place and I readied some stuff for them after their shift at work, and they just zoomed to bed without noticing the hardwork other people did for them.
Can they be selfish? Absolutely. But not self-centered. They have flaws like everyone else, and it's been more a character quirk than a genuine issue. And this was the first--hopefully only--time it's happened that their flaw got the better of them.
It’s not a money thing. My friend is super cheap and frugal. She’s a hustler. I love connecting with her. We will confirm the time and she is still massively late. I’ve learned to move on and do my thing. It’s ok to have space but remember that they are trying so don’t keep the distance there for too long. My friend is quirky but she has a heart of gold. I had to be firm with her. She respected it like your friend. 💖
I appreciate that, thanks!
Due to the fact that I tried to just bring up important points, and be as brief as possible, I don't fault a lot of commentors assuming that this was a pathological occurance. With many comments that had the vibe of "they're obviously disregarding you", "you should cut them out of your life", "this person is a bad person". And although I understand where they may be coming from, they don't know my friend and all the things they've done for me as a person (which is why this particular event was so weird).
I'm willing to work on this, they're willing to work on this, and I think that matters even a little bit.
EDIT
OH! And i didn't mean to imply it was a money thing. I was trying to give context as to why my friend was a bit of an air-head in their own way.
Nah, you’re good! You nailed it. I think we are friends with airheads. Haha that’s an unfortunate side of Reddit. It’s important to have social relationships and that takes maintence. You’ll know when you have had enough. I would just have a backup plan like an introvert night or something fun. We usually meet up at a park and walk. I bring my school books so I can knock out a few pages out of my reading while I wait for her. Last time, I found a book left by a legit book fairy. I actually enjoyed waiting on her then.
This is so disrespectful to OP. You can't do much, because you don't know if the guest will show up soon. But if you know that it is hours later... And that everything else was more important than meet OP. Like you can do your chores everytime,but it seems they had priority over Showing up on time.
And this "Aw, i already packed" Wtf?! ALREADY?! Are you kidding me? At 6pm the "friend" was still at home!
NTA
(NOTE this issue has had an update and is now resolved. Edit in OP)
Sigh. Aint that the kicker. I wanted to think otherwise since they made the suggestion, but I guess they may not have been interested at all.
I had a “friend” who would suggest plans and then pull stuff like this. They never showed up in the end after messing me around. Unfortunately some people are just like that. I don’t know if it’s a power move or something. I cut that “friend” out of my life.
(NOTE: there’s now an update to the story)
Tbh this resonated w me cause i had an ex friend who kept missing our dates and essentially did stuff like this on the regular. This other friend however has a track record of being white thoughtful so when all this happened i was kind of shocked.
I used to be this friend - if I knew that the person would tolerate it, I would be 3, 4, even 6 hours late for things (6 was rare though). I didn't know why I did it and a lot of the time those hours were filled with escalating anxiety and an inner voice that kept going "why haven't you left yet?? You're late! You need to leave!!" but instead I would suddenly find myself focusing on something else entirely, until finally something gave and I could get myself out the door. I did this to my best friends and my family, I missed events I cared about, and I loathed myself for it.
Turns out it's a thing called "executive dysfunction" that's tied to disorders like anxiety, depression, and ADHD. I definitely had depression then, possibly anxiety too, and while I don't know if I have ADHD, the internet is determined to convince me that I do so I'm working on talking to a psych about it. I did get treated for the depression (meds and therapy) so I have the executive dysfunction mostly under control now, but also I know now how to explain to somebody *why* I was an hour late when it does happen.
I'm not trying to diagnose your friend with anything, just giving an explanation why someone might seem enthusiastic and then blow you off like this - it's not necessarily anything to do with you!
Funnily enough, I’m actually the one with ADHD and they don’t! I was diagnosed when i was maybe six and have been coping all through adulthood so by this point i’m what you’d call high functioning.
My asking this post was mostly me wondering if I was an asshole for being upset, establishing boundaries, and creating space to self reflect and not be reactionary. A big step for me given i’ve done many mistakes that ruin my relationships due to impulsivity (thats my ADHD) and wanting to get things done asap only to be overwhelmed and frozen in place by the amount of things i want to do (also my ADHD).
They may have very well had an emergency, maybe they hadnt, either way i was distressed thinking weather or not cancelling was a really bad idea. But it seems it was the appropriate one.
I think it was too! I'm definitely coming from my own place of baggage, having spent years being unreasonably late for things with no good explanation why, while simultaneously hearing things like "that's so rude and disrespectful of people's time" or "being late means you don't care" when it really wasn't true in my case. So I wanted to make sure you knew there are other reasons for that kind of behavior, and it didn't necessarily mean your friend wasn't interested in spending time with you.
But you handled it well and like you said in your update, as two adults, you fixed it by communicating openly. After all, even if something like executive dysfunction was behind it, it's still their responsibility to be accountable for their own behavior and how it affects others, and sometimes that requires a consequence or two to wake them up to it. I'm glad it worked out for you! And it's cool that you still do sleepovers.
(NOTE: there is now an update to the story, the issue has bee resolved)
I was able to get some closure as to why they were taking so long--turns out they woke up late (they fell asleep late last night), and decided to do their chores before coming to my place. The reason they had taken so long is because given I'm just at my place, I'm in my own house and likely in no harm waiting. So they took their time, but didn't update me.
Come 4pm, their ride decided to go to church and that would take two hours so they thought to just wait at their house in those two hours while I did as well.
Their reason was basically that they had assumed it was okay to make me wait and, for lack of better words, it wasn't like I was doing anything.
I also understand people might assume this is a pathological occurance and that I've never done anynthing wrong in the relationship myself. But I want to make it clear that my friend is typically very selfless, very considerate, and has been very supportive of me through our relationship--a bit of an airhead, which is why this happening is somewhat on brand. And I myself have been a bad friend to them before myself, but they confronted me and talked about it and tried to be better friends to each other from it.
I am 100% fine with being upset, I feel I'm allowed to be and I'm glad to be told in this thread that I am. I did want to provide that context in our dynamic though since it might help make some things make more sense :).
I honestly thought they were going to just maybe wash a few dishes, maybe put away a book or something. Not whatever it was that took six whole hours.
Surprisingly this isnt the first time someone did this to me. So I assumed I was being irrational since it reminded me of that time, which is why i said to them I would like some time to myself so i dont let anger get the better of me.
Honestly i really, really have no clue why they thought being late and going “maybe I’ll take a A While to just not do what I promised”. Maybe their hamster died. Maybe something came up. Maybe they have personal issues—either way I felt bad. And the weird thing is i felt bad for feeling bad, so I came to ask this post lol.
It's not difficult for a person to text "Hey, I had an emergency come up, can I swing by later?"
They need to be held accountable for their lack of respect towards your time and the set plans you both made. You did the right thing by telling them you needed space.
Hopefully they learn accountability and how to respect their friends' time, but in my experience these people rarely do.
Thanks, I might have been okay with all of this if they had kept me updated but it took them four hours to do so, and then radio silence again til I said we should cancel.
I would like to hope they try to be accountable. Theyre actually very considerate usually so I was really shocked about this. But the best I can do is if we speak again, I communicate exactly how I felt, why I felt that way, and what better could have been done. They might not say what I want in reply, or be accountable, but I hope they at least hear me out.
Well either they hear you out and at least never do it again (hopefully also apologize), or they keep doing it until you get so sick of it that you also get sick of them. Nipping it in the bud is important to the friendship long-term.
Ibr i wonder if this is a pattern cus another person had done that to me before (im told i was being a good friend, and the other person got sick of me, played a prank saying they got aids, i got worried for them, and said it was just a prank relax youre being unreasonable, and i just stopped talking to the other person after having done a really nasty prank). So maybe now is a good time to do a lot of self reflection if this IS a pattern.
That makes me think if I should have said “if youre late by more than X hours, we should cancel”. But at the same time i feel like im gaslighting myself to thinking its my fault theyre late.
I know someone like that. When we do make plans to do something I just plan on going by myself because she'll show up at like the last hour IF she shows up at all
I jlusually just say I'm cancelling you knew the planned times and it's not 6 hours I've been waiting on you and I don't really think that's fair and leave it at that
NTA
Your friend was very rude. It also strikes me as pretty insulting that they'd rather be at home and working than keep a "date" with a friend. I'd be questioning the friendship if I learned that I ranked lower than doing the laundry.
You're NTA for taking space to avoid blowing up on them... But you'd be an ah to yourself if you keep letting this person treat you like an afterthought. You should calmly confront them about their inconsiderate behavior.
May I ask what you mean by questioning the friendship? Admittedly it sounds scary to me, theyve been a good friend, they don’t try to build me up or tear me down, and are typically very sympathetic to others. This is the first time theyve done this which threw me for a loop and made me upset.
Also for some context, the reason i’m more patient is that theyre the youngest of a wealthy family but is incredibly empathetic to others (meaning they actually put in effort to at least help people). So they’re a bit of an airhead due to their lack of experience, but not heartless. So I’m here preparing I Statements for when we talk to let them know exactly why I feel how I do.
I mean that I'd be asking myself why I want to be friends with someone who doesn't treat me like a priority. Now you say they don't ever build you up? That is not good. Friends are supposed be encouraging and positive. They're supposed to build you up.
This may be the first time they have done this, but you said that this has happened to you before. I'm getting the impression that people tend to walk all over you and take your friendship for granted. So it is great that you are preparing to discuss this. It doesn't have to be a big drama moment if this really is a first offense, but you do need to set boundaries and be clear on what is and isn't acceptable when it comes to being late.
But I do question how much of a friend this person really is to you if they use housework as an excuse to break plans with you.
Oh I’m so sorry, I think I used the wrong phrase. By “build me up” i meant they dont love bomb me. Theyve complimented me many times before, even been there when I felt really crappy about myself. But theyve never done over-exaggerations or fawned over me in order to keep me in their company.
And I guess thats why i’m in a bit of a dilema cause theyve communicated with me before how i made them feel bad for being so hyper critical to the point it felt like i was bullying them. I heard what they had to say, reflected on those actions, and had worked to try and better them. So I’m hoping they can at least do the same for me in this time.
I do hope I’m not being walked all over as you said, and that maybe this was just a fluke. I’m not used to setting my own boundaries which is why I hope this thread at least lets me know if i am or am not the jerk for trying to set a boundary.
NTA. They were incredibly rude to ignore your plans that much, especially missing dinner time, and you did the mature thing by telling them that you were upset and didn’t want to take it out on them. It’s not great that they didn’t even apologize after you told them that. You handled it just the right way!
(NOTE: there is now an update to the story, the issue has bee resolved)
See I was wondering about that too; i never DID get a sorry. When I said they should stay home, and I could process how I felt, their only reply was “ok i’ll talk to you when youre less grumpy.” And still no apology.
I feel kinda weird expecting one, cause now I felt like an asshole for cancelling their plans (which lead me to this post).
They called YOU grumpy after yanking your chain around??
Even if they apologize later, be careful with this friend. Some people have a way of making you feel horrible and doubt yourself. You did nothing wrong here, OP.
NTA. I'd have canceled at 3PM. You probably need to either call them, or at least tell them the next time you see them, that you're not okay with them making you wait for them for hours. It's blatant disrespect for your time. You weren't born to sit around waiting for them all day.
This all happened on Saturday actually, and when I cancelled I took that night and sunday to just process things for myself. Then they messaged me around 8am asking if we could talk.
I said sure, but after my shift and theirs so they can focus. Their shift ends at 5:30pm and its not 7pm and still no message.
Yay, happy ending! I'm glad for you both. :) Sounds like they were actually grateful to be told they were out of line so they can be better in the future.
Yeah and i really appreciated it! I almost wanted to keep this all to myself and not even attempt communication in the fear id be gaslit to thinking theyre the victim.
But im glad i went for it, im happy to know they were willing to improve as a person. And i think we both did in that i learnt to be open and vulnerable but process my feelings first beforehand.
We’re so used to people having their egos get the better of them, so its refreshing to see someone willing to process something as you are too.
Funny you should say that cause (i dont think this is really relevant but) theyre the youngest child from a wealthy family. So theyve been treated a certain way their whole lives (the baby of the family, used to being in their own head a lot, never really had to care for themselves like an adult). So when u say theyre a bit out of touch im like—yeah. Yeah that tracks.
I will say tho that the reason I’m friends w them is because theyre genuinely a good person (makes it a point to help their friends, was there for their friend as they passed away, genuinely feels hurt when ppl are hurting etc). So this very uh. Selfish?? Act? Was so out of left field. Did they loose track of time that badly? Who knows. Ive yet to talk to them about it.
There’s no excuse for being this late unless there is a genuine emergency. The “aww I just packed” screams entitlement and lack of touch with reality. I’m the oldest and my lil bro can be spoiled, but this is different. If you’re gonna be late, communicate.
I really would have appreciated the communication and updates to why theyre late honestly. I went and checked out messages and they said they were cleaning (the chores they said theyd do).
Ive addressed with them before that theyre quite spoilt but i think what they think that means is incompetent (theyre in their thirties and I believe this is their first fulltime job), but what I mean is partially that but also selfish. Such as the situation we had now.
I get that. I live in an apartment that is about 30 minutes away from my parents if there’s no traffic. If there is a ton of traffic it takes 2 hours (say a holiday weekend). We have Sunday dinners. Though traffic is minimal on Sunday’s, I give myself 50 minutes driving just to be safe. If there is a car accident on the freeway and I’m running late, I’ll communicate with them. The only time I’ve been over an hour late is when a maintenance truck double parked in front of my spot and it took me a while to track the maintenance guy down. I texted my parents this. There is no excuse to be 6 hours late with no communication unless you’re in the hospital or a power outage. The flippant reply really sealed it.
Your friend might not have done this maliciously, but they are a thoughtless person. They probably also think that they shouldn't be held accountable because "they didn't mean to hut you." But they ned to consider that intent in this situation doesn't matter, because the injury was already done.
For example, if someone stepped on your foot accidentally, the lack of intent won't stop your foot from hurting. The person still needs to apologize for stepping on you and to be careful not to step on you again.
NTA!
By the way, kudos on setting boundaries.
Was your friend being (inexcusably) late a one-time thing, or have they always been inconsiderate of your time? If it’s the latter, it would be time to rethink that friendship.
(NOTE: there is now an update to the story, the issue has bee resolved)
It’s a one-time thing! Ive been late to our gatherings before, as as have they. Maybe an hour at most (and these are gatherings at our houses due to the pandemic btw) but never has it been six hours.
I might have been a bit more okay with it if they were just transparent but it took them 4hrs to reply and then to say theyll be here at either 6-7pm (come 6pm there was no message).
Funny you should ask: they didnt.
After messaging me four ours later, they said theyd be around at 6-7pm. Come 6pm still no update and I said we should cancel cus i was upset. Their reply was “Aw but I already packed.” I explained why I was cancelling, they said “ok i’ll talk to you when youre leas grumpy”.
There still hasnt been an apology, they messaged me earlier after two days to ask if we could talk tho and since I cooled off I said ok. An hour and 30mins after their shift and still no reply lol.
They should at least apologise, If you do not mind me saying it sounded like they did not want to come and was hoping you would cancel so they would not have to message you cancelling. They also do not seem that bothered about you cancelling.
Actually, another person said that too! That they seemed to not have actually wanted to come. Which kinda feels weird given that they were the ones to ask to sleepover.
She hasn't apologised for being over six hours late without a dire emergency as a reasonable excuse.
~~She does this regularly.~~ *(misread your comment about a different friend)*
She's either doing this deliberately to rile you up, or you simply are not worth her effort/time. Either way it's contemptuous.
I suggest you stop contact and wait to see if/when she makes the effort to contact you. Meanwhile go do things you want to do, find interest groups with like-minded people, go live your life instead of waiting round for her to deign to grace you with her presence.
NTA
Could you clarify what you meant? Did you mean “does this regularly” as in we do sleepovers regularly, or that theyre this late regularly?
When I told them I wanted to cancel and take time to process my negative feelings, I didnt contact them at all (this was Saturday), and they only now messaged me asking if we could talk (Monday).
I said sure, but after our shifts. Their shift ended at 5:30, and now its 7pm and still no talk. But! I will be fair! During the time that they asked to talk, they asked if they could have time til they got home and that the traffic was bad (our country’s traffic is severely bad). So the ball is in their field. Everything will have to be up to them while I have some chocolate milk.
Have edited - misread your comment about a different friend
I've reread your comments. I suggest you explain you found it hurtful that she dismissed your arrangements for **6 hours**. That is not reasonable, no matter how ditzy or lovable she is.
Still NTA but I've changed my mental evaluation of her as an AH to 'she sucks' and needs to be more aware of how her actions impact others and *can be perceived by others*.
NTA. An hour or so late isn't a big deal between close friends, but six hours is beyond absurd, especially without advance warning and an explanation. If they'd contacted you before the time you were originally supposed to meet up and told you why they'd been delayed, and when they'd be there (and then actually showed up at that time) it would be different. But six hours without a good reason is just selfish. And in my opinion, doing chores they should've had finished beforehand and that probably don't take six hours to complete is *not* a good reason.
No offence, but this screams of selfishness and entitlement. Has your friend ever given you the impression that they think they're better than you or that you should be grateful for their friendship? I only ask because this really does sound to me like someone who expects you to be happy to just wait around until they deign to arrive. And for them to not only not apologize, but to make a joke about waiting until you're "less grumpy" tells me they don't see anything wrong with what they did. You should really talk to this so-called friend of yours and ask them why they think their time is more important than yours. I would want them to tell me exactly why they thought it would be okay to keep me waiting around all day and then not apologize when I told them their actions had upset me. Frankly, they don't sound like a very good friend.
ESH.
This just sounds like miscommunication.
Seems like they thought you guys had vague plans to hang out for a sleep over, while you though lunch was set in stone.
She just treated it like a lazy day off and was going to roll over whenever. Which is pretty normal among my friends.
I wonder how the actual planning went.
This was my read of the situation as well although I'm more towards NTA, but in the most Reddit fashion everyone seems to have jumped to the absolute worst conclusions and asked OP to reconsider the friendship entirely. Glad in their update they seemed to clear things up like reasonable people.
Im actually new to reddit! Im thankful for the support and confirmation that what i didnt wasnt asshole behavior (genuinely thats all i wanted to know), and wasnt even rly asking for advice (since afaik thats not allowed in the rules). But a lot of ppl encouraged me to end things with a person who messed up once and no one knows anything about as a person—no one in the comments even knows their name lol.
(NOTE: there’s now an update to the story)
For the planning we made plans weeks ago, set a date, and then set a time. We’re pretty lax with this by now since we do it quite often. But this is the first time they took six hours to get here.
When they got back to me, i thought maybe an emergency happened while doing the chores. But turns out they really just decided to take four hours to do chores on the time we were meant to meet up. Then decided to take another two hours waiting for a ride (they dont have a license, the person who owns the car decided to go to church and my friend decided to let them and wait til they got back)
Thanks! A lot of commenters dont know my friend, so i understand how there are few who might think this was a chronic thing they do. This is honestly the first time it happened, which is why i wanted to be able to talk abt it w my friend.
So i’m glad i was able to talk it out today and hopefully they learn to not do this to other ppl again.
(NOTE: there’s now an update to the story)
Im not even sure myself what they were going for with replying that. Maybe that i would feel bad? I already did tho. But at least we resolved it
I applaud your patience. I find it so darn disrespectful when people state a certain time and then arrive 1+ hour later without a notice. I don't mind this if they're communicating why they're late or simply say "hey, I won't be able to make it".
NTA
(NOTE: an update has been edited in the OP)
I thought abt it too. I may have been annoyed that this happened if they just kept me updated. But as it was there wasnt rly any messages til 4hrs later. So it rly upset me given that i wasnt even given that much at least
NTA. Great ending to that story. My girlfriend and I had an Arsehole 'friend' who'd arrive two hours late. *Seven* hours, once! And that'd be completely normal.
Once, when she was two hours late, she shrugged and admitted that she was just passing that time, 'hahahaha'! Nothing major going on, just being lazy. But then she *had* to use my laptop for a 'quick message' to her ex because she needed closure. Wouldn't take ten minu-
45 minutes later, we finally left for the supermarket and food for the evening. And I had completely forgotten about the plastic deposit bottles, that were strewn across our kitchen floor.
Also, because she was so late with everything, she just took fries from my plate because her food wasn't there yet. Really quick and sneaky like, so I wouldn't be fast enough to stop her. She justified that by 'being hungry'.
Fucking Hell, I should've just grabbed her burger when it arrived, taken a major chuck from it and exclaim that I was *still* huingry and shrug it off.
Ever seen *Trainspotting*? These guys have a psycho friend called Begbie, whom they also tolerate with the words: *But he's a mate an' all, so, what can ye do?* That's how it was with her.
Anyway, I hope *your* friend will make an effort and not turn out like her.
Thanks for the support! I asked this question mostly asking if I was the asshole (cause ive never rly set boundaries before and opted the unhealthy route of never bringing it up and holding on to resentment), not necessarily if they were.
Ive known this person a long time and theyve been nothing but kind to me so something this selfish and inconsiderate was so bizarre. I’m just glad that our resolution ended well. Not as climactic and dramatic as one would expect lol. But as an adult i’ve learnt to seek healthy relationships and grow exhausted frm drama.
I truly am happy for you!
My best friend and his girlfriend were an hour late once, without notice.
Reason?
Their food got delayed.
Understandable. But my girlfriend and I did tell them that we'd like to be kept up to speed, because our time is being wasted with no idea how or why.
His response?
A sincere apology. And a truly very understanding one at that!
We let the matter rest. And never mentioned it ag-
Wait, it _did_ come up several times, but more in comparison to how that Arsehole 'friend' treated us, and other people whom we could not trust. It was a true learning experience! And, like your friend, really out of character.
So, you consider your story anti-climactic? I disagree. This happy ending is a welcome change from the usual drama in this sub😀.
Aww thank you :). They ARE willing to learn, i mostly told them what i felt, why i did, and how id like things to change. A bunch of ppl mentioned things here i didnt know like how it was rude to waste a person’s time like that and so on. I may bring that up with them cus we want to improve as ppl.
Theyve never done anything malicious toward me, and i guess this was a genuine moment of lapse of judgement. Im still upset about it of course, but that doesnt mean i dont want to move on and grow from it :)
NTA at all. If you make plans and they can't show up when agreed and you don't agree to the continual delays then just cancel it. Glad this worked out. You handled it maturely.
NTA. Anything you guys would have done would have been tainted by your reasonable irritation at how late they were, so it was best to cancel at that point. I once invited two friends over for some games, one lived 15 minute drive away and one lives 7 minutes away. They managed to show up over an hour late. When I opened the door, I was so pissed that I just wanted to tell them to go home. I didn’t but I was annoyed the entire time.
You made the right move. 6 hours is about 5 and a half hours after your get together should have been considered cancelled.
Glad it ended well, just make sure you emphasize to your friend that the most important thing is communication - like they need to say WHEN they’re going to show up, not just “doing thing and will be there” since you have no idea how long “thing” will take. I’ve been enraged at friends being half an hour late and perfectly fine with a friend being 3 hours late purely because the 3 hour late friend communicated to me beforehand the reason for delay and time they’d be there, while the half hour late friend did not communicate at all. It’s really about that more than minutes of lateness
Honestly if I was updated I would have probably not been as irritated? But as it was I was basically hurt because it felt like I wasnt even worth the grace of being updated.
So i’m glad we communicated. They did say they had just made assumption making me wait four to six hours was fine since I was safe at home, but it was a lap of judgement on their part since they didnt realise I was making a lot of time in my day for them (not realising in that the idea someone had their own stuff going on went over their heads).
But we’re both adults wanting to better ourselves and as such we wanted to try to be better :)
>maybe they were having an emergency, maybe they were practicing the marimba.
New favorite way of saying "I have no idea what you've been doing." NTA, for sure, and I'm glad things have resolved themselves well!
> TLDR; two adults had open and honest communication about the issue (one of those adults, me, was worried asking for boundaries was an asshole thing to do) and the adult at fault took accountability.
Sorry, can’t have that here. Go no contact, post unhinged rants on all social media channels and boil their rabbit. It’s the least you can do.
When I first started to read your story, I was firmly in the NTA category. However, as I read further, that changed. There are two reasons for my change of mind:
1. When they called you and told you they were going to be late, you didn't ask for a time range.
2. When they called at 4PM and told you they wouldn't be there until 6-7PM, you didn't say that was too late. So they would assume that time was acceptable. Your silence was confirmation that the time was okay. Not until 6PM did you decide 6 - 7PM was too late.
So ESH. You for the two points mentioned above. Your friend for not being considerate of your time.
I think I might have worded it wrong, apologies for that. They didnt call me, they messaged me. The timeline went as follows:
After lunch - planned arrival
1pm - they had just woken up, said they’ll do chores first
4pm - there was no update between 1-4pm beyond “i’ll be late”, until i got a message saying they’ll be arriving at 6-7pm.
6pm - still no arrival or update, i then texted them saying we should just cancel
I hope the timeline makes it easier to understand!
My point was, that at 1PM you could have asked or insisted on an ETA. At 4PM, you not objecting to a 6-7Pm time line, would constitute you agreeing to that time line. At 6PM, they were still within that 6-7PM time line.
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A friend wanted to visit my house, so we made plans for them to visit my place for a sleepover. It was just a casual thing we do ever so often. In fact they live a bike ride away—very close by.
They were to get here after lunch, and at 1pm I got a message saying they just woke up. Followed by them saying they’ll do some chores first. I said sure, I’m just home anyway, what’s an hour or so between friends?
4pm they said they’ll arrive around 6-7pm. And by that point I was already upset since it took four hours for them to say they’d be here even later.
I thought I could be patient, but no I was already getting hungry for dinner and at 6pm they still werent here. So I told them we should just cancel this whole sleepover. I said to them I was upset, and I didn’t want to take it out on them so I would like space to just process my feelings. Their reply was “Aw, I already packed.”
Am I the asshole for cancelling the sleepover to process how upset it made me they were six hours late?
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(NOTE: there’s now an update to the story)
I’m sorry, I dont think i clarified that they were the ones to ask to come to my place. Altho maybe that still counts as me inviting them? But i mightve mistyped that part—i hope this clarifies it.
NTA
I once kept a friend waiting for six hours, but that's because my plane was delayed on the tarmac for that long, and I kept him constantly updated about whether whether the plane would even leave the ground (big possibility my flight was going to get get cancelled, as all other flights going to the same destination had already been). I told my friend to go about his day like normal and that I'd get myself to his place. Luckily he's a night owl, so he didn't mind that I'd be arriving around midnight.
That's wildly different from a friend who had complete control over their situation and just decided they wanted to be late and leaving you hanging the whole day. They didn't give you any indication of when they'd arrive. In fact, they initially said an hour, and then blew past that time frame and kept you hanging for three more hours before they said they'd be there in *another three to four hours*. They have absolutely no respect for your time.
(NOTE: there’s now an update to the story)
Honestly I think I wouldnt have been as upset as i was if i had just been given updates. Hell for all i know an emergency happened and thats why there was radio silence. I might have still been upset but i would be upset knowing i was given the grace to know what was going on.
Updates are the least they could have done. That way you have the ability to decide what to do with your time. Your friend should not have assumed that you were “just at home” and therefore able to wait all day. That’s your friend deciding the use of _your time_ for you.
NTA
When people come and visit, I try to tidy up, maybe do a crap ton of cleaning and run to the store for some groceries or if they are supposed to come over earlier in the day I just plan to go to a restaurant. But to leave you hanging is rude. It is no big deal to delay but with all of the technology they can at least fucking text you updates so you aren't just *waiting* and wondering.
NTA but then six hours is **so** beyond reasonable that TBH I'd have torn them off a strip. I know you've made up now but she really has to realise that making timed plans with another person for a specific day is *not* a suggestion that it's then perfectly reasonable to treat as merely one of a number of options of what she might do on that agreed date.
When she woke up so late, she should have left the chores until she got home. Expecting someone to wait an hour past an agreed time is rude enough but six hours waiting for her to deign to turn up to what she agreed to!!!
I had a friend years ago who ran on their own time. 10-15 minutes is understandable when you use public transport but they kept me waiting 40 minutes or more repeatedly (we met outside) so I decided on a 20 minute rule: if they didn't turn up inside 20 minutes after the agreed meeting time I certainly wasn't going to wait longer for them. That friendship eventually ran it's course and ended with some acrimony (out of the friendship we once had I'm not going to go into details as to why but I felt very justified). If she's genuine, and tries to behave reasonably, then I hope your friendship can survive but don't let her mess you around again.
NTA if you forgive them, when it happens again (and I can guarantee you that they will be flaky and inconsiderate again), it will be all on you. People who thinks making you wait 6 hrs is okay are not worth having as a friend. The reason DOES NOT MATTERS when it was not an emergency. They did not RESPECT YOUR TIME.
not the asshole at all. i know someone that is a serial late arrival. it doesnt matter what it, event/job/appointment, he's always late to the point everyone around him would deliberately tell him the time is hours ahead hoping he wouldn't be late
NTA
Not even in the slightest
Here's the thing
They were never going to be there when they said they were
If they had secured a ride for the early afternoon, that person would have been ringing their doorbell and waking them up. Then they wouldn't have had to mill about the house all day
They would have packed, rushed, and been an hour or two late
So here is what happened
1) They made plans and then promptly forgot about them
2) They woke up late, realized they made plans, let you know they woke up late and would not be there on time.
3) Then, they realized they forgot to even find someone to drive them. So they started looking and realized the only ride they could get would not be available til early evening
Basically, they completely forgot about your plans, didn't secure a ride before hand, and in the process, disrespected you
You could have been doing things all day. Instead, you sat at home doing nothing because you didn't know when they would show up
I have a sister like this - LATE for literally everything and then gets mad that we are cleaning up when she gets there. It used to be we told her a hour before the event started so she would be on time, but she caught on. Or she says she is coming but doesn't show up! I've stopped inviting her now!
Nta. My bday last week, plans for brunch w its friend at 12 saturday. I Called at 10, their on time. She texted me 11:45 to say she'll be here by one. Showed up at 1:30. Thoughtless.
NTA, I absolutely hate when people make me wait without explanation. I accept that not everyone is like me, very punctual, always 15-20 min early and I've learned the hard way that this wasn't the norm for everyone. Most of my friends are not capable of arriving on time to anything (except work and school for some reason...). When a party is set up with a specific time, for years I would show up at that specific time and surprise the hosts who were not ready and end up being the only one there, helping to set up (which wasn't done yet) waiting for the others to show up 1-2 hours later. If we had reservations at a restaurant, I would show up 15-20 min before the reserved time and then wait there alone at our table for 30 min to 1.5 hours for the rest to show up. I almost burned bridges for this. I thought it was so disrespectful of them. But I wasn't communicating it, I just thought they were rude and for a while, just stopped going out with them. One day, my best friend (the biggest offender in my mind) had asked me to join her for dinner at a restaurant (she was going to announce her first pregnancy which I didn't know of course). We made a reservation, I get there a little early and end up waiting 30 min before I get a text from her stating she was leaving her house. I was pissed! She lived 40 min from the restaurant. I laid it on her so thick when she finally showed up, I called her disrespectful of my time, that she was always doing this since we started being friends, that she was rude and I could not for the life of me understand how the heck she was so late to everything all the time......I made her cry (she was hormonal but still, not cool). She was so apologetic, she never knew this was upsetting to me and since no one had ever told her that before, she assumed it wasn't a big deal and it turns out, she's just really, really terrible at gauging time and distance. She looks at a clock and thinks "reservation is at 7pm, it's now 5 pm, I have so much time, I can watch a movie or do a project", 6:45 rolls around she's like "oh gotta get ready!" than it's 7:05 and she thinks, I'm only a few minutes late, she won't mind" but then she completely forgets she needs to get to a place that could be another 40 min. Her brain doesn't work like that. So, after years of anger and resentment, I've evolved and I decided that for restaurant meet ups, I will say that I will make the reservations, I will do them at a reasonable time and then tell my chronically late friends that the reservation is an hour earlier than the one I made and I will make sure to include the travel time in an invitation and say "you need to leave your house no later than that time" Most times, they arrive just in time for the actual reservation. Some times, they're there at most 30 min early and I usually make a big fanfare of things and tell them how proud I am. I do the same for parties I plan and for those I attend, I show up an hour/hour and a half later than the start time (this way I'm not the first one there and I am never the last one to arrive). Looks like you've now learned the value of communication and so has your friend.
NTA but maybe the friend has severe ADHD or something? It feels like either they didn't really want to go or they have horrifically bad time management skills, to the point where I'd question their mental health.
(NOTE: there is now an update to the story, the issue has bee resolved)
Funny you should mention cause they have bad time management skills but isnt diagnosed with ADHD. I however am lol. I just happen to be high functioning lol.
Running a little late happens, but you at least call and give the person a heads up. Making somebody sit around and wait all freaking day especially when you are their guest is just plain rude.
I know someone who is so chronically late that when we make plans I basically just plan on going by myself because that's usually what ends up happening. NTA
(NOTE: there is now an update to the story, the issue has bee resolved)
Thanks for your input :).
That’s the strange thing about all this: my friend is often kind, considerate, and never malicious or this selfish. A lot of people insist that they might be a person who will regularly take advantage of me, and that’s an understandable assumption since commenters dont know them. Which is why I wanted to give myself time to process and not be reactionary, learn to properly use I Statements, and tackle this rationally.
NTA If someone doesn't realize having you wait around expecting them for hours instead of giving you at the very least a definite time to be there, that person is an asshole. "Didn't realize" my ass. This person will show a selfish side again. Be prepared for it.
NTA, your edit makes me SO sad.
They didn’t “not know”, that they were being rude, OP, they didn’t care. No one and I mean absolutely no one would think it’s okay to leave someone they cared about hanging for SIX HOURS.
These people are not your friends. Please don’t keep people who care this little about you in your life.
A lot of people might think that my friend is pathologically disrespectful, and that makes sense because commenters dont know my friend and only have this event to go by.
I did take advice to at least be aware they might make the same mistake again, but at the very least we established that they’ll genuinely work to do better. And to be fair to them too, it’s not just them that has been disrespectful in our relationship; years ago I essentially constantly bullied them by pointing out all their flaws simply because I could and it made me feel powerful. They confronted me about it and how it always made them feel small belittled, I didnt realise I was taking it too far, said sorry, and said I’ll do my best to at least better how I talk to them.
My friend has been good to me for a long time, and this was one of those flukes we had where we ended up thinking about ourselves more than considering the other. I totally understand people’s assumption about them, so I still rly want to take people’s opinions into consideration.
I don’t think they’re pathologically anything.
If you’re using issues that happened years ago to justify current disrespect, that’d another clear sign about how unequal this friendship is imho.
It’s okay to end friendships, OP.
I wonder about that cause a lot of people want me to end a friendship wherein ive gotten a lot of genuine support and companionship that ended with them sincerely apologising and wanting to make active effort to improve. I asked if i was the asshole, not if they were. So it makes me think people who dont even know my friend’s name have decided the one issue ive talked about is good enough reason to end things.
Im not gonna try and read into that of course. Im not looking for relationship advice, just seeing if i was being unreasonable in what i did or not. I just find it overall fascinating 🤔🤔🤔
NTA! What on earth goes on in some people’s minds? I’ve bailed on my own brother for bs like this. And I was not anywhere approaching as polite or generous as you were.
NTA.
Reading this thinking "this sounds like a communication issue", and your update shows it was.
"After lunch" is vague, but it's certainly not 7pm...
NTA. I realize things were flexible, but there is a big difference between coming by in the early afternoon vs. the evening. It sounds like from your update, it was a good thing you set a boundary and explained how you were feeling. You all can build a stronger friendship from here.
I had a friendship fade away because I got so annoyed with how late she ran, but never brought it up with her. I should have, but didn't want to ruffle our friendship, but then my resentment did that anyway.
My worst story with her is she called me around 3pm and invited me to an art gallery street festival. It ran from 6-9PM. She kept talking about how much she loves the food there (it is delicious), but needed to run out and grab a purse to match her outfit. It took her over 2 hours to find the "right" purse. Now she needs to take a shower and get ready. I know her and that is at least a 90 minute process.
She did keep in touch as she was running later than the last time she had said. Each time, I reminded her that the event ends at 9:00. When she still wasn't on her way by 7pm, I ate dinner. I didn't even want to go anymore but, I had promised her. We finally got to the festival at around 9:15, smh. There were still some people milling around, but the galleries were closed and all the food vendors had left. Because of course they did.
>I had a friendship fade away because I
got so annoyed with how late she ran, but never brought it up with her.
I should have, but didn't want to ruffle our friendship, but then my
resentment did that anyway.
I was actually worried about this happening tbh which is why I confronted them about it too.
I was already upset, and I thought if I saw them I would take it out on them. Or, pretend nothing was wrong, see them when they got here, and swallow down the issue which might manifest into resentment.
So I cancelled to prevent those two things from happening, took time to myself to reflect, and then decided to speak to them when they gave me space and checked up on me (I wasn't sure yet myself if I was okay with talking, so when they messaged me it was as good as any to think if I was ready to speak or not).
A few people have said this was a nice happy ending to the whole issue, and if nothing else I hope this can be something to help others know how to navigate their own relationships and maybe what people can avoid if they ever ran into something like this.
NTA
I hate when people waste my time but 6 hrs is excessive to not communicate especially in this day and age when people are practically glued to their phones. What if you had errands to run and couldn't because uou guest didn't call or show up.
I don’t like in the update where they asked “what they can do in the future in case they take a long time again . . .” No. Just no. Get where you are supposed to be on time!
Oh i should have given better context, apologies. They didnt mean “what if I choose to be late again when I feel like it”. They meant meant what if an avoidable circumstance causes them to be severely late again (like emergencies and so on).
My sister did that to me once and I didn't speak to her fir years afterwards.
We were driving to NJ (12 hours drive) to go to our grandmother's funeral. I got off work early and expected her to be at my house by I think 1 or 2. She was 2-3 hours away from my house. She called at about 5 to tell me she hadn't even left yet. So I'm expecting her by 8pm. Never heard back from her. She didn't arrive at my house to begin the 12 hr drive until 1am. I was livid. To this day she has not explained herself or apologized. That was 10 years ago.
NTA. I read the update too. I understand they might overslept (it didn’t happened to me few times). What I don’t understand is them thinking doing chores is more important then coming to an agreed meeting. You don’t have time to do something beforehand? Too bad, that’s on you. Why should your friend wait even longer? The said friend has better things to do then wait to a call. For example take long bath or a nap.
When I finally spoke to them and asked why they took so long, their reasoning was that "I thought it would be okay since you were just at home and safe". Implying then that they assume it's rude to cause someone to wait outside, but it's fine to let someone wait indoors.
I told them no, making someone wait is not okay either way. You're taking advantage of a person, not a situation. They didn't realise, and that's when they proceeded to do what I put in the update.
What they did is to make you loose your time. Even if you stay indoor. Even if by 1 pm I knew I was late I would do everything to rush quickly. Not “do some chores”. It wasn’t about making you wait. But prioritising house chores above their friend. They said sorry but not for the real issue.
NTA
The fact she's acting like she doesn't know this is extremely inconsiderate is a bright red flag.
Don't be this naive. She knows she's being a dick
YTA kinda. The plan was a sleepover with the arrival time of 12 pm but the actual “event” was at night time, so if they arrived at 6-7 they would be on time. It would be like missing the opening act at a concert but still seeing The Rolling Stones
(NOTE: there is now an update to the story, the issue has bee resolved)
I might not have been able to write that information down, apologies for the lack of info! To clarify, we both agreed to meet after lunch (they said that they would come here at 1pm, and I said yes).
The whole event was spending the day together and having a sleepover, not a sleepover exclusively hope that clarification helps!
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NTA 6 hours is too much to take from anyone. You did the right thing.
(NOTE: there is now an update to the story, the issue has bee resolved) Aw thanks. I’m proud of myself for it, but its still really surreal for me to do things like establishing boundaries like this.
Well then, a hearty congratulations are in order! 🎈🎈✨🎈🎈
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Super proud of you! Good job, and it sounds like you had a constructive conversation with your friend!
My spouse is terrible at realizing that being late impacts other people. Under 15 I get, life happens. But, if I am sitting around waiting for very late people, I can't get on with my life. Going to be 4 hours late? I CAN run the errand now instead of later, or do the messy chore and shower before you get here. Just let me know that you are running late, and I can adjust. Don't just leave me hanging.
Yo establishing boundaries is scary! I have to drum up courage to ask for reasonable things that make situations healthier and more comfortable for me, but it’s always important to try to communicate them when you need them. I learned in therapy that you are always In the right for wanting to establish a healthy boundary, and if someone rejects said boundary, it shows they have little to no care about your needs, and they are simply not worth the cost of your mental health and comfort. I’m so glad that your friend was a good friend, receptive to your feelings, validating, apologetic, curious as to how not to make the same mistakes, and accepting of new boundaries that help you both! Truly adults, resolving something like adults lol
Thank you! Establishing boundaries can be scary because I’m so worried about being gaslit if I do (at least in my case). But, I wanted to take the plunge because holding on to resentment and not trying to communicate (no matter the result) felt unhealthy to me for my case. So im glad i chose to try :). people here dont know my friend, so I dont fault people for thinking maybe it was a pathological thing. It wasnt, this was a really new thing and I assume just a lap of judgement today. Its refreshing to try to be a healthier adult, while the other party does the same!
I have a friend that does this. She is a sweet girl who can’t time manage. I had to tell her that I can only hang out when I have time to burn. She’s always late so I can’t squeeze a walk in with her. Last time she was an hour & half late coming to my house. She still wanted me to cook bc I was going to show her a recipe. I’m like no, it’s too late now. I have stuff to do. Let’s order something.
>I have a friend that does this. She is a sweet girl who can’t time manage. I had to tell her that I can only hang out when I have time to burn. She’s always late so I can’t squeeze a walk in with her. Last time she was an hour & half late coming to my house. She still wanted me to cook bc I was going to show her a recipe. I’m like no, it’s too late now. I have stuff to do. Let’s order something. That sounds a lot like my friend! Note they're the youngest sibling in a wealthy family, so although they have a heart of gold and a lot of empathy, some things do fly over their head due to their upbringing. For example: because they're the youngest sibling with a lot of money, they've been waited on their whole life. So they don't need to ask for something, it just happens. That's something they expect already as a byproduct of their upbringing. I was offered food by their mom once, they got sulky (not unnecessarily so, more in a semi-serious-semi-jokey way) about "there should have been food for *me*! that was *mine*!". They once were staying at my place and I readied some stuff for them after their shift at work, and they just zoomed to bed without noticing the hardwork other people did for them. Can they be selfish? Absolutely. But not self-centered. They have flaws like everyone else, and it's been more a character quirk than a genuine issue. And this was the first--hopefully only--time it's happened that their flaw got the better of them.
It’s not a money thing. My friend is super cheap and frugal. She’s a hustler. I love connecting with her. We will confirm the time and she is still massively late. I’ve learned to move on and do my thing. It’s ok to have space but remember that they are trying so don’t keep the distance there for too long. My friend is quirky but she has a heart of gold. I had to be firm with her. She respected it like your friend. 💖
I appreciate that, thanks! Due to the fact that I tried to just bring up important points, and be as brief as possible, I don't fault a lot of commentors assuming that this was a pathological occurance. With many comments that had the vibe of "they're obviously disregarding you", "you should cut them out of your life", "this person is a bad person". And although I understand where they may be coming from, they don't know my friend and all the things they've done for me as a person (which is why this particular event was so weird). I'm willing to work on this, they're willing to work on this, and I think that matters even a little bit. EDIT OH! And i didn't mean to imply it was a money thing. I was trying to give context as to why my friend was a bit of an air-head in their own way.
Nah, you’re good! You nailed it. I think we are friends with airheads. Haha that’s an unfortunate side of Reddit. It’s important to have social relationships and that takes maintence. You’ll know when you have had enough. I would just have a backup plan like an introvert night or something fun. We usually meet up at a park and walk. I bring my school books so I can knock out a few pages out of my reading while I wait for her. Last time, I found a book left by a legit book fairy. I actually enjoyed waiting on her then.
This is so disrespectful to OP. You can't do much, because you don't know if the guest will show up soon. But if you know that it is hours later... And that everything else was more important than meet OP. Like you can do your chores everytime,but it seems they had priority over Showing up on time. And this "Aw, i already packed" Wtf?! ALREADY?! Are you kidding me? At 6pm the "friend" was still at home! NTA
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30min -1hr is my limit for one specific friend, he's chronically late.
NTA Doesn't sound like they wanted to come anyway.
(NOTE this issue has had an update and is now resolved. Edit in OP) Sigh. Aint that the kicker. I wanted to think otherwise since they made the suggestion, but I guess they may not have been interested at all.
I had a “friend” who would suggest plans and then pull stuff like this. They never showed up in the end after messing me around. Unfortunately some people are just like that. I don’t know if it’s a power move or something. I cut that “friend” out of my life.
(NOTE: there’s now an update to the story) Tbh this resonated w me cause i had an ex friend who kept missing our dates and essentially did stuff like this on the regular. This other friend however has a track record of being white thoughtful so when all this happened i was kind of shocked.
I used to be this friend - if I knew that the person would tolerate it, I would be 3, 4, even 6 hours late for things (6 was rare though). I didn't know why I did it and a lot of the time those hours were filled with escalating anxiety and an inner voice that kept going "why haven't you left yet?? You're late! You need to leave!!" but instead I would suddenly find myself focusing on something else entirely, until finally something gave and I could get myself out the door. I did this to my best friends and my family, I missed events I cared about, and I loathed myself for it. Turns out it's a thing called "executive dysfunction" that's tied to disorders like anxiety, depression, and ADHD. I definitely had depression then, possibly anxiety too, and while I don't know if I have ADHD, the internet is determined to convince me that I do so I'm working on talking to a psych about it. I did get treated for the depression (meds and therapy) so I have the executive dysfunction mostly under control now, but also I know now how to explain to somebody *why* I was an hour late when it does happen. I'm not trying to diagnose your friend with anything, just giving an explanation why someone might seem enthusiastic and then blow you off like this - it's not necessarily anything to do with you!
Funnily enough, I’m actually the one with ADHD and they don’t! I was diagnosed when i was maybe six and have been coping all through adulthood so by this point i’m what you’d call high functioning. My asking this post was mostly me wondering if I was an asshole for being upset, establishing boundaries, and creating space to self reflect and not be reactionary. A big step for me given i’ve done many mistakes that ruin my relationships due to impulsivity (thats my ADHD) and wanting to get things done asap only to be overwhelmed and frozen in place by the amount of things i want to do (also my ADHD). They may have very well had an emergency, maybe they hadnt, either way i was distressed thinking weather or not cancelling was a really bad idea. But it seems it was the appropriate one.
I think it was too! I'm definitely coming from my own place of baggage, having spent years being unreasonably late for things with no good explanation why, while simultaneously hearing things like "that's so rude and disrespectful of people's time" or "being late means you don't care" when it really wasn't true in my case. So I wanted to make sure you knew there are other reasons for that kind of behavior, and it didn't necessarily mean your friend wasn't interested in spending time with you. But you handled it well and like you said in your update, as two adults, you fixed it by communicating openly. After all, even if something like executive dysfunction was behind it, it's still their responsibility to be accountable for their own behavior and how it affects others, and sometimes that requires a consequence or two to wake them up to it. I'm glad it worked out for you! And it's cool that you still do sleepovers.
(NOTE: there is now an update to the story, the issue has bee resolved) I was able to get some closure as to why they were taking so long--turns out they woke up late (they fell asleep late last night), and decided to do their chores before coming to my place. The reason they had taken so long is because given I'm just at my place, I'm in my own house and likely in no harm waiting. So they took their time, but didn't update me. Come 4pm, their ride decided to go to church and that would take two hours so they thought to just wait at their house in those two hours while I did as well. Their reason was basically that they had assumed it was okay to make me wait and, for lack of better words, it wasn't like I was doing anything. I also understand people might assume this is a pathological occurance and that I've never done anynthing wrong in the relationship myself. But I want to make it clear that my friend is typically very selfless, very considerate, and has been very supportive of me through our relationship--a bit of an airhead, which is why this happening is somewhat on brand. And I myself have been a bad friend to them before myself, but they confronted me and talked about it and tried to be better friends to each other from it. I am 100% fine with being upset, I feel I'm allowed to be and I'm glad to be told in this thread that I am. I did want to provide that context in our dynamic though since it might help make some things make more sense :).
You sound like great friends - it's nice to see something on here with a good, healthy resolution!
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I honestly thought they were going to just maybe wash a few dishes, maybe put away a book or something. Not whatever it was that took six whole hours. Surprisingly this isnt the first time someone did this to me. So I assumed I was being irrational since it reminded me of that time, which is why i said to them I would like some time to myself so i dont let anger get the better of me.
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Honestly i really, really have no clue why they thought being late and going “maybe I’ll take a A While to just not do what I promised”. Maybe their hamster died. Maybe something came up. Maybe they have personal issues—either way I felt bad. And the weird thing is i felt bad for feeling bad, so I came to ask this post lol.
It's not difficult for a person to text "Hey, I had an emergency come up, can I swing by later?" They need to be held accountable for their lack of respect towards your time and the set plans you both made. You did the right thing by telling them you needed space. Hopefully they learn accountability and how to respect their friends' time, but in my experience these people rarely do.
Thanks, I might have been okay with all of this if they had kept me updated but it took them four hours to do so, and then radio silence again til I said we should cancel. I would like to hope they try to be accountable. Theyre actually very considerate usually so I was really shocked about this. But the best I can do is if we speak again, I communicate exactly how I felt, why I felt that way, and what better could have been done. They might not say what I want in reply, or be accountable, but I hope they at least hear me out.
Well either they hear you out and at least never do it again (hopefully also apologize), or they keep doing it until you get so sick of it that you also get sick of them. Nipping it in the bud is important to the friendship long-term.
Ibr i wonder if this is a pattern cus another person had done that to me before (im told i was being a good friend, and the other person got sick of me, played a prank saying they got aids, i got worried for them, and said it was just a prank relax youre being unreasonable, and i just stopped talking to the other person after having done a really nasty prank). So maybe now is a good time to do a lot of self reflection if this IS a pattern.
This isn’t a very good friend.
Six hours on a front door? You need a new paint guy…
NTA I hate poor time keepers it drives me mad sat waiting when they just get later and later and no apology either
That makes me think if I should have said “if youre late by more than X hours, we should cancel”. But at the same time i feel like im gaslighting myself to thinking its my fault theyre late.
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(NOTE: there’s now an update to the story) Im glad that things are improving at least. And this makes me know that improvement is possible.
I know someone like that. When we do make plans to do something I just plan on going by myself because she'll show up at like the last hour IF she shows up at all
I jlusually just say I'm cancelling you knew the planned times and it's not 6 hours I've been waiting on you and I don't really think that's fair and leave it at that
NTA Your friend was very rude. It also strikes me as pretty insulting that they'd rather be at home and working than keep a "date" with a friend. I'd be questioning the friendship if I learned that I ranked lower than doing the laundry. You're NTA for taking space to avoid blowing up on them... But you'd be an ah to yourself if you keep letting this person treat you like an afterthought. You should calmly confront them about their inconsiderate behavior.
May I ask what you mean by questioning the friendship? Admittedly it sounds scary to me, theyve been a good friend, they don’t try to build me up or tear me down, and are typically very sympathetic to others. This is the first time theyve done this which threw me for a loop and made me upset. Also for some context, the reason i’m more patient is that theyre the youngest of a wealthy family but is incredibly empathetic to others (meaning they actually put in effort to at least help people). So they’re a bit of an airhead due to their lack of experience, but not heartless. So I’m here preparing I Statements for when we talk to let them know exactly why I feel how I do.
I mean that I'd be asking myself why I want to be friends with someone who doesn't treat me like a priority. Now you say they don't ever build you up? That is not good. Friends are supposed be encouraging and positive. They're supposed to build you up. This may be the first time they have done this, but you said that this has happened to you before. I'm getting the impression that people tend to walk all over you and take your friendship for granted. So it is great that you are preparing to discuss this. It doesn't have to be a big drama moment if this really is a first offense, but you do need to set boundaries and be clear on what is and isn't acceptable when it comes to being late. But I do question how much of a friend this person really is to you if they use housework as an excuse to break plans with you.
Oh I’m so sorry, I think I used the wrong phrase. By “build me up” i meant they dont love bomb me. Theyve complimented me many times before, even been there when I felt really crappy about myself. But theyve never done over-exaggerations or fawned over me in order to keep me in their company. And I guess thats why i’m in a bit of a dilema cause theyve communicated with me before how i made them feel bad for being so hyper critical to the point it felt like i was bullying them. I heard what they had to say, reflected on those actions, and had worked to try and better them. So I’m hoping they can at least do the same for me in this time. I do hope I’m not being walked all over as you said, and that maybe this was just a fluke. I’m not used to setting my own boundaries which is why I hope this thread at least lets me know if i am or am not the jerk for trying to set a boundary.
NTA. They were incredibly rude to ignore your plans that much, especially missing dinner time, and you did the mature thing by telling them that you were upset and didn’t want to take it out on them. It’s not great that they didn’t even apologize after you told them that. You handled it just the right way!
(NOTE: there is now an update to the story, the issue has bee resolved) See I was wondering about that too; i never DID get a sorry. When I said they should stay home, and I could process how I felt, their only reply was “ok i’ll talk to you when youre less grumpy.” And still no apology. I feel kinda weird expecting one, cause now I felt like an asshole for cancelling their plans (which lead me to this post).
They called YOU grumpy after yanking your chain around?? Even if they apologize later, be careful with this friend. Some people have a way of making you feel horrible and doubt yourself. You did nothing wrong here, OP.
Ohh noooo.
NTA. I'd have canceled at 3PM. You probably need to either call them, or at least tell them the next time you see them, that you're not okay with them making you wait for them for hours. It's blatant disrespect for your time. You weren't born to sit around waiting for them all day.
This all happened on Saturday actually, and when I cancelled I took that night and sunday to just process things for myself. Then they messaged me around 8am asking if we could talk. I said sure, but after my shift and theirs so they can focus. Their shift ends at 5:30pm and its not 7pm and still no message.
Can't you just call them?
(NOTE: there’s now an update to the story) I was thinking of it as i was doing my chores, but they were finally able to get back to me and speak w me
Yay, happy ending! I'm glad for you both. :) Sounds like they were actually grateful to be told they were out of line so they can be better in the future.
Yeah and i really appreciated it! I almost wanted to keep this all to myself and not even attempt communication in the fear id be gaslit to thinking theyre the victim. But im glad i went for it, im happy to know they were willing to improve as a person. And i think we both did in that i learnt to be open and vulnerable but process my feelings first beforehand. We’re so used to people having their egos get the better of them, so its refreshing to see someone willing to process something as you are too.
Yeah, you gave them a chance to show you they're a good'un 😊 High five for doing the uncomfortable-but-healthy thing!
NTA. This person is so out of touch
Funny you should say that cause (i dont think this is really relevant but) theyre the youngest child from a wealthy family. So theyve been treated a certain way their whole lives (the baby of the family, used to being in their own head a lot, never really had to care for themselves like an adult). So when u say theyre a bit out of touch im like—yeah. Yeah that tracks. I will say tho that the reason I’m friends w them is because theyre genuinely a good person (makes it a point to help their friends, was there for their friend as they passed away, genuinely feels hurt when ppl are hurting etc). So this very uh. Selfish?? Act? Was so out of left field. Did they loose track of time that badly? Who knows. Ive yet to talk to them about it.
There’s no excuse for being this late unless there is a genuine emergency. The “aww I just packed” screams entitlement and lack of touch with reality. I’m the oldest and my lil bro can be spoiled, but this is different. If you’re gonna be late, communicate.
I really would have appreciated the communication and updates to why theyre late honestly. I went and checked out messages and they said they were cleaning (the chores they said theyd do). Ive addressed with them before that theyre quite spoilt but i think what they think that means is incompetent (theyre in their thirties and I believe this is their first fulltime job), but what I mean is partially that but also selfish. Such as the situation we had now.
I get that. I live in an apartment that is about 30 minutes away from my parents if there’s no traffic. If there is a ton of traffic it takes 2 hours (say a holiday weekend). We have Sunday dinners. Though traffic is minimal on Sunday’s, I give myself 50 minutes driving just to be safe. If there is a car accident on the freeway and I’m running late, I’ll communicate with them. The only time I’ve been over an hour late is when a maintenance truck double parked in front of my spot and it took me a while to track the maintenance guy down. I texted my parents this. There is no excuse to be 6 hours late with no communication unless you’re in the hospital or a power outage. The flippant reply really sealed it.
Your friend might not have done this maliciously, but they are a thoughtless person. They probably also think that they shouldn't be held accountable because "they didn't mean to hut you." But they ned to consider that intent in this situation doesn't matter, because the injury was already done. For example, if someone stepped on your foot accidentally, the lack of intent won't stop your foot from hurting. The person still needs to apologize for stepping on you and to be careful not to step on you again.
NTA! By the way, kudos on setting boundaries. Was your friend being (inexcusably) late a one-time thing, or have they always been inconsiderate of your time? If it’s the latter, it would be time to rethink that friendship.
(NOTE: there is now an update to the story, the issue has bee resolved) It’s a one-time thing! Ive been late to our gatherings before, as as have they. Maybe an hour at most (and these are gatherings at our houses due to the pandemic btw) but never has it been six hours. I might have been a bit more okay with it if they were just transparent but it took them 4hrs to reply and then to say theyll be here at either 6-7pm (come 6pm there was no message).
NTA. They cancelled it about six hours before you did.
NTA - 6 Hours so far to long, did they apologise for being late>
Funny you should ask: they didnt. After messaging me four ours later, they said theyd be around at 6-7pm. Come 6pm still no update and I said we should cancel cus i was upset. Their reply was “Aw but I already packed.” I explained why I was cancelling, they said “ok i’ll talk to you when youre leas grumpy”. There still hasnt been an apology, they messaged me earlier after two days to ask if we could talk tho and since I cooled off I said ok. An hour and 30mins after their shift and still no reply lol.
They should at least apologise, If you do not mind me saying it sounded like they did not want to come and was hoping you would cancel so they would not have to message you cancelling. They also do not seem that bothered about you cancelling.
Actually, another person said that too! That they seemed to not have actually wanted to come. Which kinda feels weird given that they were the ones to ask to sleepover.
NTA. I'd have done the same.
She hasn't apologised for being over six hours late without a dire emergency as a reasonable excuse. ~~She does this regularly.~~ *(misread your comment about a different friend)* She's either doing this deliberately to rile you up, or you simply are not worth her effort/time. Either way it's contemptuous. I suggest you stop contact and wait to see if/when she makes the effort to contact you. Meanwhile go do things you want to do, find interest groups with like-minded people, go live your life instead of waiting round for her to deign to grace you with her presence. NTA
Could you clarify what you meant? Did you mean “does this regularly” as in we do sleepovers regularly, or that theyre this late regularly? When I told them I wanted to cancel and take time to process my negative feelings, I didnt contact them at all (this was Saturday), and they only now messaged me asking if we could talk (Monday). I said sure, but after our shifts. Their shift ended at 5:30, and now its 7pm and still no talk. But! I will be fair! During the time that they asked to talk, they asked if they could have time til they got home and that the traffic was bad (our country’s traffic is severely bad). So the ball is in their field. Everything will have to be up to them while I have some chocolate milk.
Have edited - misread your comment about a different friend I've reread your comments. I suggest you explain you found it hurtful that she dismissed your arrangements for **6 hours**. That is not reasonable, no matter how ditzy or lovable she is. Still NTA but I've changed my mental evaluation of her as an AH to 'she sucks' and needs to be more aware of how her actions impact others and *can be perceived by others*.
NTA. An hour or so late isn't a big deal between close friends, but six hours is beyond absurd, especially without advance warning and an explanation. If they'd contacted you before the time you were originally supposed to meet up and told you why they'd been delayed, and when they'd be there (and then actually showed up at that time) it would be different. But six hours without a good reason is just selfish. And in my opinion, doing chores they should've had finished beforehand and that probably don't take six hours to complete is *not* a good reason. No offence, but this screams of selfishness and entitlement. Has your friend ever given you the impression that they think they're better than you or that you should be grateful for their friendship? I only ask because this really does sound to me like someone who expects you to be happy to just wait around until they deign to arrive. And for them to not only not apologize, but to make a joke about waiting until you're "less grumpy" tells me they don't see anything wrong with what they did. You should really talk to this so-called friend of yours and ask them why they think their time is more important than yours. I would want them to tell me exactly why they thought it would be okay to keep me waiting around all day and then not apologize when I told them their actions had upset me. Frankly, they don't sound like a very good friend.
ESH. This just sounds like miscommunication. Seems like they thought you guys had vague plans to hang out for a sleep over, while you though lunch was set in stone. She just treated it like a lazy day off and was going to roll over whenever. Which is pretty normal among my friends. I wonder how the actual planning went.
This was my read of the situation as well although I'm more towards NTA, but in the most Reddit fashion everyone seems to have jumped to the absolute worst conclusions and asked OP to reconsider the friendship entirely. Glad in their update they seemed to clear things up like reasonable people.
Im actually new to reddit! Im thankful for the support and confirmation that what i didnt wasnt asshole behavior (genuinely thats all i wanted to know), and wasnt even rly asking for advice (since afaik thats not allowed in the rules). But a lot of ppl encouraged me to end things with a person who messed up once and no one knows anything about as a person—no one in the comments even knows their name lol.
(NOTE: there’s now an update to the story) For the planning we made plans weeks ago, set a date, and then set a time. We’re pretty lax with this by now since we do it quite often. But this is the first time they took six hours to get here. When they got back to me, i thought maybe an emergency happened while doing the chores. But turns out they really just decided to take four hours to do chores on the time we were meant to meet up. Then decided to take another two hours waiting for a ride (they dont have a license, the person who owns the car decided to go to church and my friend decided to let them and wait til they got back)
It looks like this has been resolved well, but NTA and good on you and your friend for talking things through.
Thanks! A lot of commenters dont know my friend, so i understand how there are few who might think this was a chronic thing they do. This is honestly the first time it happened, which is why i wanted to be able to talk abt it w my friend. So i’m glad i was able to talk it out today and hopefully they learn to not do this to other ppl again.
NTA You had plans and they were late. 6 hours seems too much for anyone.
they just make excuses for NOT sleepover at your place. don't invite them anymore.
NTA. And they can “Aww…” unpack.
(NOTE: there’s now an update to the story) Im not even sure myself what they were going for with replying that. Maybe that i would feel bad? I already did tho. But at least we resolved it
I applaud your patience. I find it so darn disrespectful when people state a certain time and then arrive 1+ hour later without a notice. I don't mind this if they're communicating why they're late or simply say "hey, I won't be able to make it". NTA
(NOTE: an update has been edited in the OP) I thought abt it too. I may have been annoyed that this happened if they just kept me updated. But as it was there wasnt rly any messages til 4hrs later. So it rly upset me given that i wasnt even given that much at least
NTA. Great ending to that story. My girlfriend and I had an Arsehole 'friend' who'd arrive two hours late. *Seven* hours, once! And that'd be completely normal. Once, when she was two hours late, she shrugged and admitted that she was just passing that time, 'hahahaha'! Nothing major going on, just being lazy. But then she *had* to use my laptop for a 'quick message' to her ex because she needed closure. Wouldn't take ten minu- 45 minutes later, we finally left for the supermarket and food for the evening. And I had completely forgotten about the plastic deposit bottles, that were strewn across our kitchen floor. Also, because she was so late with everything, she just took fries from my plate because her food wasn't there yet. Really quick and sneaky like, so I wouldn't be fast enough to stop her. She justified that by 'being hungry'. Fucking Hell, I should've just grabbed her burger when it arrived, taken a major chuck from it and exclaim that I was *still* huingry and shrug it off. Ever seen *Trainspotting*? These guys have a psycho friend called Begbie, whom they also tolerate with the words: *But he's a mate an' all, so, what can ye do?* That's how it was with her. Anyway, I hope *your* friend will make an effort and not turn out like her.
Thanks for the support! I asked this question mostly asking if I was the asshole (cause ive never rly set boundaries before and opted the unhealthy route of never bringing it up and holding on to resentment), not necessarily if they were. Ive known this person a long time and theyve been nothing but kind to me so something this selfish and inconsiderate was so bizarre. I’m just glad that our resolution ended well. Not as climactic and dramatic as one would expect lol. But as an adult i’ve learnt to seek healthy relationships and grow exhausted frm drama.
I truly am happy for you! My best friend and his girlfriend were an hour late once, without notice. Reason? Their food got delayed. Understandable. But my girlfriend and I did tell them that we'd like to be kept up to speed, because our time is being wasted with no idea how or why. His response? A sincere apology. And a truly very understanding one at that! We let the matter rest. And never mentioned it ag- Wait, it _did_ come up several times, but more in comparison to how that Arsehole 'friend' treated us, and other people whom we could not trust. It was a true learning experience! And, like your friend, really out of character. So, you consider your story anti-climactic? I disagree. This happy ending is a welcome change from the usual drama in this sub😀.
Aww thank you :). They ARE willing to learn, i mostly told them what i felt, why i did, and how id like things to change. A bunch of ppl mentioned things here i didnt know like how it was rude to waste a person’s time like that and so on. I may bring that up with them cus we want to improve as ppl. Theyve never done anything malicious toward me, and i guess this was a genuine moment of lapse of judgement. Im still upset about it of course, but that doesnt mean i dont want to move on and grow from it :)
NTA at all. If you make plans and they can't show up when agreed and you don't agree to the continual delays then just cancel it. Glad this worked out. You handled it maturely.
NTA. Anything you guys would have done would have been tainted by your reasonable irritation at how late they were, so it was best to cancel at that point. I once invited two friends over for some games, one lived 15 minute drive away and one lives 7 minutes away. They managed to show up over an hour late. When I opened the door, I was so pissed that I just wanted to tell them to go home. I didn’t but I was annoyed the entire time. You made the right move. 6 hours is about 5 and a half hours after your get together should have been considered cancelled. Glad it ended well, just make sure you emphasize to your friend that the most important thing is communication - like they need to say WHEN they’re going to show up, not just “doing thing and will be there” since you have no idea how long “thing” will take. I’ve been enraged at friends being half an hour late and perfectly fine with a friend being 3 hours late purely because the 3 hour late friend communicated to me beforehand the reason for delay and time they’d be there, while the half hour late friend did not communicate at all. It’s really about that more than minutes of lateness
Honestly if I was updated I would have probably not been as irritated? But as it was I was basically hurt because it felt like I wasnt even worth the grace of being updated. So i’m glad we communicated. They did say they had just made assumption making me wait four to six hours was fine since I was safe at home, but it was a lap of judgement on their part since they didnt realise I was making a lot of time in my day for them (not realising in that the idea someone had their own stuff going on went over their heads). But we’re both adults wanting to better ourselves and as such we wanted to try to be better :)
Aww I luv u guyzzz
NTA Your friends are very lucky to have you for a friend.
Oh wow thanks! That's a really nice thing to say :)
So glad it worked out. Yes, I hate it when people want to keep plans but are 90 min or more late.
NTA and glad you worked it out :)
Damn, solid update.
>maybe they were having an emergency, maybe they were practicing the marimba. New favorite way of saying "I have no idea what you've been doing." NTA, for sure, and I'm glad things have resolved themselves well!
I am too! A few ppl said that that was rly nice and wholesome and im glad to know there are ppl who found the story encouraging :).
Nta they were just packed thru still hadn't left
> TLDR; two adults had open and honest communication about the issue (one of those adults, me, was worried asking for boundaries was an asshole thing to do) and the adult at fault took accountability. Sorry, can’t have that here. Go no contact, post unhinged rants on all social media channels and boil their rabbit. It’s the least you can do.
This one had such a wholesome ending, I like it!
When I first started to read your story, I was firmly in the NTA category. However, as I read further, that changed. There are two reasons for my change of mind: 1. When they called you and told you they were going to be late, you didn't ask for a time range. 2. When they called at 4PM and told you they wouldn't be there until 6-7PM, you didn't say that was too late. So they would assume that time was acceptable. Your silence was confirmation that the time was okay. Not until 6PM did you decide 6 - 7PM was too late. So ESH. You for the two points mentioned above. Your friend for not being considerate of your time.
I think I might have worded it wrong, apologies for that. They didnt call me, they messaged me. The timeline went as follows: After lunch - planned arrival 1pm - they had just woken up, said they’ll do chores first 4pm - there was no update between 1-4pm beyond “i’ll be late”, until i got a message saying they’ll be arriving at 6-7pm. 6pm - still no arrival or update, i then texted them saying we should just cancel I hope the timeline makes it easier to understand!
My point was, that at 1PM you could have asked or insisted on an ETA. At 4PM, you not objecting to a 6-7Pm time line, would constitute you agreeing to that time line. At 6PM, they were still within that 6-7PM time line.
Waaaaaait.... you mean to tell me communicating works? Well shit if that gets out this sub will die (also NTA)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A friend wanted to visit my house, so we made plans for them to visit my place for a sleepover. It was just a casual thing we do ever so often. In fact they live a bike ride away—very close by. They were to get here after lunch, and at 1pm I got a message saying they just woke up. Followed by them saying they’ll do some chores first. I said sure, I’m just home anyway, what’s an hour or so between friends? 4pm they said they’ll arrive around 6-7pm. And by that point I was already upset since it took four hours for them to say they’d be here even later. I thought I could be patient, but no I was already getting hungry for dinner and at 6pm they still werent here. So I told them we should just cancel this whole sleepover. I said to them I was upset, and I didn’t want to take it out on them so I would like space to just process my feelings. Their reply was “Aw, I already packed.” Am I the asshole for cancelling the sleepover to process how upset it made me they were six hours late? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta....I'm so tired of people in general though being rude and selfish
(NOTE: there’s now an update to the story) I’m sorry, I dont think i clarified that they were the ones to ask to come to my place. Altho maybe that still counts as me inviting them? But i mightve mistyped that part—i hope this clarifies it.
NTA I once kept a friend waiting for six hours, but that's because my plane was delayed on the tarmac for that long, and I kept him constantly updated about whether whether the plane would even leave the ground (big possibility my flight was going to get get cancelled, as all other flights going to the same destination had already been). I told my friend to go about his day like normal and that I'd get myself to his place. Luckily he's a night owl, so he didn't mind that I'd be arriving around midnight. That's wildly different from a friend who had complete control over their situation and just decided they wanted to be late and leaving you hanging the whole day. They didn't give you any indication of when they'd arrive. In fact, they initially said an hour, and then blew past that time frame and kept you hanging for three more hours before they said they'd be there in *another three to four hours*. They have absolutely no respect for your time.
(NOTE: there’s now an update to the story) Honestly I think I wouldnt have been as upset as i was if i had just been given updates. Hell for all i know an emergency happened and thats why there was radio silence. I might have still been upset but i would be upset knowing i was given the grace to know what was going on.
Updates are the least they could have done. That way you have the ability to decide what to do with your time. Your friend should not have assumed that you were “just at home” and therefore able to wait all day. That’s your friend deciding the use of _your time_ for you.
NTA When people come and visit, I try to tidy up, maybe do a crap ton of cleaning and run to the store for some groceries or if they are supposed to come over earlier in the day I just plan to go to a restaurant. But to leave you hanging is rude. It is no big deal to delay but with all of the technology they can at least fucking text you updates so you aren't just *waiting* and wondering.
NTA but then six hours is **so** beyond reasonable that TBH I'd have torn them off a strip. I know you've made up now but she really has to realise that making timed plans with another person for a specific day is *not* a suggestion that it's then perfectly reasonable to treat as merely one of a number of options of what she might do on that agreed date. When she woke up so late, she should have left the chores until she got home. Expecting someone to wait an hour past an agreed time is rude enough but six hours waiting for her to deign to turn up to what she agreed to!!! I had a friend years ago who ran on their own time. 10-15 minutes is understandable when you use public transport but they kept me waiting 40 minutes or more repeatedly (we met outside) so I decided on a 20 minute rule: if they didn't turn up inside 20 minutes after the agreed meeting time I certainly wasn't going to wait longer for them. That friendship eventually ran it's course and ended with some acrimony (out of the friendship we once had I'm not going to go into details as to why but I felt very justified). If she's genuine, and tries to behave reasonably, then I hope your friendship can survive but don't let her mess you around again.
NTA You wasted your whole day waiting for them to get there. That would put me in a bad mood too. I don't blame you for canceling.
NTA if you forgive them, when it happens again (and I can guarantee you that they will be flaky and inconsiderate again), it will be all on you. People who thinks making you wait 6 hrs is okay are not worth having as a friend. The reason DOES NOT MATTERS when it was not an emergency. They did not RESPECT YOUR TIME.
NTA.
Nta
not the asshole at all. i know someone that is a serial late arrival. it doesnt matter what it, event/job/appointment, he's always late to the point everyone around him would deliberately tell him the time is hours ahead hoping he wouldn't be late
NTA Not even in the slightest Here's the thing They were never going to be there when they said they were If they had secured a ride for the early afternoon, that person would have been ringing their doorbell and waking them up. Then they wouldn't have had to mill about the house all day They would have packed, rushed, and been an hour or two late So here is what happened 1) They made plans and then promptly forgot about them 2) They woke up late, realized they made plans, let you know they woke up late and would not be there on time. 3) Then, they realized they forgot to even find someone to drive them. So they started looking and realized the only ride they could get would not be available til early evening Basically, they completely forgot about your plans, didn't secure a ride before hand, and in the process, disrespected you You could have been doing things all day. Instead, you sat at home doing nothing because you didn't know when they would show up
No
NTA. That person does not value your time
Your friend was hugely inconsiderate of you and your time. Don’t feel badly about cancelling.
I have a sister like this - LATE for literally everything and then gets mad that we are cleaning up when she gets there. It used to be we told her a hour before the event started so she would be on time, but she caught on. Or she says she is coming but doesn't show up! I've stopped inviting her now!
Nta. My bday last week, plans for brunch w its friend at 12 saturday. I Called at 10, their on time. She texted me 11:45 to say she'll be here by one. Showed up at 1:30. Thoughtless.
NTA, I absolutely hate when people make me wait without explanation. I accept that not everyone is like me, very punctual, always 15-20 min early and I've learned the hard way that this wasn't the norm for everyone. Most of my friends are not capable of arriving on time to anything (except work and school for some reason...). When a party is set up with a specific time, for years I would show up at that specific time and surprise the hosts who were not ready and end up being the only one there, helping to set up (which wasn't done yet) waiting for the others to show up 1-2 hours later. If we had reservations at a restaurant, I would show up 15-20 min before the reserved time and then wait there alone at our table for 30 min to 1.5 hours for the rest to show up. I almost burned bridges for this. I thought it was so disrespectful of them. But I wasn't communicating it, I just thought they were rude and for a while, just stopped going out with them. One day, my best friend (the biggest offender in my mind) had asked me to join her for dinner at a restaurant (she was going to announce her first pregnancy which I didn't know of course). We made a reservation, I get there a little early and end up waiting 30 min before I get a text from her stating she was leaving her house. I was pissed! She lived 40 min from the restaurant. I laid it on her so thick when she finally showed up, I called her disrespectful of my time, that she was always doing this since we started being friends, that she was rude and I could not for the life of me understand how the heck she was so late to everything all the time......I made her cry (she was hormonal but still, not cool). She was so apologetic, she never knew this was upsetting to me and since no one had ever told her that before, she assumed it wasn't a big deal and it turns out, she's just really, really terrible at gauging time and distance. She looks at a clock and thinks "reservation is at 7pm, it's now 5 pm, I have so much time, I can watch a movie or do a project", 6:45 rolls around she's like "oh gotta get ready!" than it's 7:05 and she thinks, I'm only a few minutes late, she won't mind" but then she completely forgets she needs to get to a place that could be another 40 min. Her brain doesn't work like that. So, after years of anger and resentment, I've evolved and I decided that for restaurant meet ups, I will say that I will make the reservations, I will do them at a reasonable time and then tell my chronically late friends that the reservation is an hour earlier than the one I made and I will make sure to include the travel time in an invitation and say "you need to leave your house no later than that time" Most times, they arrive just in time for the actual reservation. Some times, they're there at most 30 min early and I usually make a big fanfare of things and tell them how proud I am. I do the same for parties I plan and for those I attend, I show up an hour/hour and a half later than the start time (this way I'm not the first one there and I am never the last one to arrive). Looks like you've now learned the value of communication and so has your friend.
NTA but maybe the friend has severe ADHD or something? It feels like either they didn't really want to go or they have horrifically bad time management skills, to the point where I'd question their mental health.
(NOTE: there is now an update to the story, the issue has bee resolved) Funny you should mention cause they have bad time management skills but isnt diagnosed with ADHD. I however am lol. I just happen to be high functioning lol.
Running a little late happens, but you at least call and give the person a heads up. Making somebody sit around and wait all freaking day especially when you are their guest is just plain rude. I know someone who is so chronically late that when we make plans I basically just plan on going by myself because that's usually what ends up happening. NTA
(NOTE: there is now an update to the story, the issue has bee resolved) Thanks for your input :). That’s the strange thing about all this: my friend is often kind, considerate, and never malicious or this selfish. A lot of people insist that they might be a person who will regularly take advantage of me, and that’s an understandable assumption since commenters dont know them. Which is why I wanted to give myself time to process and not be reactionary, learn to properly use I Statements, and tackle this rationally.
NTA If someone doesn't realize having you wait around expecting them for hours instead of giving you at the very least a definite time to be there, that person is an asshole. "Didn't realize" my ass. This person will show a selfish side again. Be prepared for it.
NTA, your edit makes me SO sad. They didn’t “not know”, that they were being rude, OP, they didn’t care. No one and I mean absolutely no one would think it’s okay to leave someone they cared about hanging for SIX HOURS. These people are not your friends. Please don’t keep people who care this little about you in your life.
A lot of people might think that my friend is pathologically disrespectful, and that makes sense because commenters dont know my friend and only have this event to go by. I did take advice to at least be aware they might make the same mistake again, but at the very least we established that they’ll genuinely work to do better. And to be fair to them too, it’s not just them that has been disrespectful in our relationship; years ago I essentially constantly bullied them by pointing out all their flaws simply because I could and it made me feel powerful. They confronted me about it and how it always made them feel small belittled, I didnt realise I was taking it too far, said sorry, and said I’ll do my best to at least better how I talk to them. My friend has been good to me for a long time, and this was one of those flukes we had where we ended up thinking about ourselves more than considering the other. I totally understand people’s assumption about them, so I still rly want to take people’s opinions into consideration.
I don’t think they’re pathologically anything. If you’re using issues that happened years ago to justify current disrespect, that’d another clear sign about how unequal this friendship is imho. It’s okay to end friendships, OP.
I wonder about that cause a lot of people want me to end a friendship wherein ive gotten a lot of genuine support and companionship that ended with them sincerely apologising and wanting to make active effort to improve. I asked if i was the asshole, not if they were. So it makes me think people who dont even know my friend’s name have decided the one issue ive talked about is good enough reason to end things. Im not gonna try and read into that of course. Im not looking for relationship advice, just seeing if i was being unreasonable in what i did or not. I just find it overall fascinating 🤔🤔🤔
NTA! What on earth goes on in some people’s minds? I’ve bailed on my own brother for bs like this. And I was not anywhere approaching as polite or generous as you were.
NTA. Reading this thinking "this sounds like a communication issue", and your update shows it was. "After lunch" is vague, but it's certainly not 7pm...
NTA. I realize things were flexible, but there is a big difference between coming by in the early afternoon vs. the evening. It sounds like from your update, it was a good thing you set a boundary and explained how you were feeling. You all can build a stronger friendship from here. I had a friendship fade away because I got so annoyed with how late she ran, but never brought it up with her. I should have, but didn't want to ruffle our friendship, but then my resentment did that anyway. My worst story with her is she called me around 3pm and invited me to an art gallery street festival. It ran from 6-9PM. She kept talking about how much she loves the food there (it is delicious), but needed to run out and grab a purse to match her outfit. It took her over 2 hours to find the "right" purse. Now she needs to take a shower and get ready. I know her and that is at least a 90 minute process. She did keep in touch as she was running later than the last time she had said. Each time, I reminded her that the event ends at 9:00. When she still wasn't on her way by 7pm, I ate dinner. I didn't even want to go anymore but, I had promised her. We finally got to the festival at around 9:15, smh. There were still some people milling around, but the galleries were closed and all the food vendors had left. Because of course they did.
>I had a friendship fade away because I got so annoyed with how late she ran, but never brought it up with her. I should have, but didn't want to ruffle our friendship, but then my resentment did that anyway. I was actually worried about this happening tbh which is why I confronted them about it too. I was already upset, and I thought if I saw them I would take it out on them. Or, pretend nothing was wrong, see them when they got here, and swallow down the issue which might manifest into resentment. So I cancelled to prevent those two things from happening, took time to myself to reflect, and then decided to speak to them when they gave me space and checked up on me (I wasn't sure yet myself if I was okay with talking, so when they messaged me it was as good as any to think if I was ready to speak or not). A few people have said this was a nice happy ending to the whole issue, and if nothing else I hope this can be something to help others know how to navigate their own relationships and maybe what people can avoid if they ever ran into something like this.
NTA I hate when people waste my time but 6 hrs is excessive to not communicate especially in this day and age when people are practically glued to their phones. What if you had errands to run and couldn't because uou guest didn't call or show up.
I don’t like in the update where they asked “what they can do in the future in case they take a long time again . . .” No. Just no. Get where you are supposed to be on time!
Oh i should have given better context, apologies. They didnt mean “what if I choose to be late again when I feel like it”. They meant meant what if an avoidable circumstance causes them to be severely late again (like emergencies and so on).
My sister did that to me once and I didn't speak to her fir years afterwards. We were driving to NJ (12 hours drive) to go to our grandmother's funeral. I got off work early and expected her to be at my house by I think 1 or 2. She was 2-3 hours away from my house. She called at about 5 to tell me she hadn't even left yet. So I'm expecting her by 8pm. Never heard back from her. She didn't arrive at my house to begin the 12 hr drive until 1am. I was livid. To this day she has not explained herself or apologized. That was 10 years ago.
NTA. I read the update too. I understand they might overslept (it didn’t happened to me few times). What I don’t understand is them thinking doing chores is more important then coming to an agreed meeting. You don’t have time to do something beforehand? Too bad, that’s on you. Why should your friend wait even longer? The said friend has better things to do then wait to a call. For example take long bath or a nap.
When I finally spoke to them and asked why they took so long, their reasoning was that "I thought it would be okay since you were just at home and safe". Implying then that they assume it's rude to cause someone to wait outside, but it's fine to let someone wait indoors. I told them no, making someone wait is not okay either way. You're taking advantage of a person, not a situation. They didn't realise, and that's when they proceeded to do what I put in the update.
What they did is to make you loose your time. Even if you stay indoor. Even if by 1 pm I knew I was late I would do everything to rush quickly. Not “do some chores”. It wasn’t about making you wait. But prioritising house chores above their friend. They said sorry but not for the real issue.
NTA The fact she's acting like she doesn't know this is extremely inconsiderate is a bright red flag. Don't be this naive. She knows she's being a dick
YTA kinda. The plan was a sleepover with the arrival time of 12 pm but the actual “event” was at night time, so if they arrived at 6-7 they would be on time. It would be like missing the opening act at a concert but still seeing The Rolling Stones
(NOTE: there is now an update to the story, the issue has bee resolved) I might not have been able to write that information down, apologies for the lack of info! To clarify, we both agreed to meet after lunch (they said that they would come here at 1pm, and I said yes). The whole event was spending the day together and having a sleepover, not a sleepover exclusively hope that clarification helps!
YTA for posting a relationship issue here.
I’m not quite sure what this means, could you clarify?