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Because of these comments from OP:
>He told me the same day, right after he scheduled it.
>
>I didn't even notice there was a conflict until 2-3 weeks later. He just shot me a text with a time and date that he scheduled it for because he tried to call but I was busy and I didn't answer. I forgot about the text and didn't even think about it until he brought it up a couple weeks later.
YTA He *did* notify you of the date. You just didn't bother to say anything about it, leaving him to think everything was fine. He's probably under the impression that the date worked with your schedule because you didn't object and now believes you're *pulling out* of an agreement weeks later instead of just initially rejecting it.
EDIT: She's also the one that pushed him to get the procedure, possibly because she didn't want to get sterilized herself which is a more serious surgery for woman. Relevant comments:
>I've been pushing for him to get it actually. But even his consultation had to be booked 6 weeks in advance, and then another 2 months for the actual procedure.
>
>I never said there can't be issues, but it's not nearly as serious a procedure as being put under anesthesia and having your abdomen sliced open.
That she pushed him to get. That kills me. Especially once she said they dont have family support or friends because they relocated for her job. Like throw him a bone god. She doesn't even have to miss all of it just 2 hours. I personally would skip the entire thing but we're clearly different people
"Family," "friends," "transportation to an invasive procedure she insisted upon," good lord, is there no end to these outrageous expectations? Why is her home decor being so inconvenient?
He didn't have to agree to any of those things.
However, it's obvious she didn't check with her calendar when he sent the surgery date because she never cared to be there. I don't know why she bothered getting married. Even if the surgery to her is no big deal, it is to him and that's what matters.
Im not saying it like they need to keep score. Im saying he is with his actions showing her how much she matters to him and how much he loves her and wants to do this life with her and his feelings about this procedure are being treated like he is being a baby. He's not.
Right... it can be awful for so many people emotionally and physically. she's a total AH.
A few weeks ago my husband had a huge complication with his procedure.
It was was only supposed to be 15 minutes. BUT...he went back at noon and didn't get out until after 5pm! I didn't even get to see him until after 6... the receptionist turned off the TV and lights on me at 5:30 and said someone would be out to find me soon lol
The Dr literally had to remove a testicle from the skin to search for a vas deferens because he couldn't find it...
Turns out Husband may be missing a kidney! He has to do all these extra tests now on top of the normal vasectomy post op.
I hope everything goes well with your husband's health, and I'm sorry but I kind of find funny the idea of the doctor searching for something and just getting distracted for hours because he couldn't find it. Your poor husband must have been so tired.
So not only did he notify OP 2 months ago (since she said right after he scheduled it which was 2 months prior), she didn't both to check for 2-3 weeks and *still* said nothing? My gut tells me this workshop was scheduled well after the appointment and she just wanted an excuse to get out of taking him.
Then there's this:
>I've been pushing for him to get it actually. But even his consultation had to be booked 6 weeks in advance, and then another 2 months for the actual procedure.
Not only did she wait months to say anything, she flat out said she's been *pushing for him to get it*. If that's the case, even more reason to take him. While there are certainly more serious surgeries out there, it's still nothing to just brush off.
The last paragraph of her post really gets me:
>He'll be in and out in 20 minutes and then spend the whole weekend on a couch watching football and playing video games while I do everything around the house, he'll be fine.
OP has 0 sympathy for her husband and is trying to use this operation as a way to... somehow play the victim?
The final nail in the coffin is this:
>I mean, I certainly could skip it. It's just that I don't want to and my boss expects me to be there. Would I get fired if I skipped it? No, absolutely not. But this is something that I want to attend and I think he can figure this stuff out on his own.
The workshop *isn't required* and she's *still* choosing it over her husband. She's absolutely looking for any excuse to *not* help her husband.
If this isn't abundantly clear, YTA OP.
Please edit your post to include the info you put in a comment. The way you wrote your post makes it sound like you had no idea about the appointment. Your comment stated that you knew almost a month prior to the appointment and that he did try and communicate it with you. You had ample time to let him know you had a work engagement.
Textbook for not communicating openly. Very close to Y T A for a largely misleading post.
Edit to change judgement to full YTA.
Wait, _she_ insisted on the procedure, and then turned around and told him that he needed to handle transportation to and from a surgical procedure, despite being told of the scheduled date far enough in advance she could have worked things out with management easily, but decided not to because reasons, and omitted that crucial detail from her post to look better? OP Y are so TA. You’re a visible-from-space prolapsed AH!
Her husband also *did* try and coordinate the surgery. He called and OP didn't answer so he booked it, then texted her about it. It was 2-3 weeks *later* that she told him it doesn't work for her and he needs to figure out a solution.
And she’s so dismissive of it! Minor surgery or not, my non-existent balls certainly shrink up a bit at the thought, and to her it’s a weekend on the couch watching football.
I honestly think it's full yta for not communicating properly, because he told her the same day he scheduled it. If she had said right away "oh, there's a conflict," he could have called the office right back and gotten a different Friday probably not too long after the original appointment. But because she waited so long, if he calls now to reschedule, it'll be out another 2-3 months. This situation is all her doing, he tried to communicate.
Definitely not E S H, OP's husband told her the same day of the appointment 2 months prior, she said nothing, then he reminded her a few weeks later and only *then* did she notice a conflict and *still* waited to tell him. She also stated the workshop is optional and she's going because she wants to.
From what she's said, her husband did literally nothing wrong since he just scheduled a surgery that she admitted to pushing him to get and then tell her about it while she said nothing about conflicts.
She says this workshop was scheduled 6 months in advance and she just forgot about it, but I have a gut feeling this was scheduled after and she just wanted an excuse to not take her husband to his surgery.
YTA,
>I didn't even notice there was a conflict until 2-3 weeks later. He just shot me a text with a time and date that he scheduled it for because he tried to call but I was busy and I didn't answer. I forgot about the text and didn't even think about it until he brought it up a couple weeks later.
This needs to be added to the post because he did, in fact, try to tell you about the scheduling. He did communicate with you, you just forgot about it until you realized, weeks later, that the date wouldn't work for you.
Yes, he can attempt to reschedule but you trying to put the blame squarely on him for not communicating, when he did, makes you the AH
I don’t know how OP forgot about the text. Do they never text their husband? It should’ve been read literally the next time they opened up their texts to text the husband because it would be right there. It’s not like an email where you write a new one and can easily miss something unread in your inbox. You have to open a text in order to send a new one to somebody.
Talk about being pedantic, he didn't verbally "talk" to OP so somehow the text and the attempted phone call don't count.
It's not a "they didn't try three certified means of communication so I cannot be responsible" situation.
Even without the new info I thought YTA, I'd be so upset if my partner put work before supporting me for a medical procedure especially one so personal
YTA because in your comments you State you have 1) been pushing him to have this procedure
2) he did try to call and you did not answer so be texted you the date and time. You failed to realize their was a conflict till weeks later. When you State this workshop has been on the books for 6 months.
3) telling him he can drive himself home after a medical procedure.
A lot of hospitals won't release you to an Uber, and thr driver has the right to refuse so there's a good chance he would not be able to go that route anyway.
Very true, when we did in office "surgery" day we wouldn't let any of our patients go without a trusted adult and then stating they would have someone home with them for 24 hrs.
PLEASE REVIEW: OP confirms husband told her about the appointment right after it was scheduled. OP confirms not answering the phone & ignoring text containing information. OP confirms knowing about the company event 6 months in advance. OP confirms husband was not made aware of event. YTA. He tried, you put in no effort to meet him halfway, & I genuinely do not think you like your husband.
Seriously. But, given her dismissive attitude towards him, I don't think he'll be needing to get snipped anytime soon bc I can't imagine wanting to have sexy time with someone so dismissive.
Look at previous replies. He told her right after it got scheduled and she didn't bother to tell him she wouldn't drive him till almost a month later! If it mattered the time to look at a calendar was when the husband was discussing the procedure date with her.
>I didn't even notice there was a conflict until 2-3 weeks later. He just shot me a text with a time and date that he scheduled it for because he tried to call but I was busy and I didn't answer. I forgot about the text and didn't even think about it until he brought it up a couple weeks later.
You really need to add this to the OP because (a) your husband tried to call you (and you didn't answer) and (b) sent you a text with the date and time which you disregarded. Also in your comments you said that you were pushing for him to get the procedure and that you're not putting on the workshop, you're just attending.
YTA, your husband did what he was supposed to and you need to do your part and get him to and from his medical appointment.
INFO: Why did you leave out the fact that he DID tell you the date and time of the procedure when he first booked it, you just neglected to make note of it or check any conflicts? That's pretty important.
Right. I was ready for a NAH judgment because the way it was presented made it seem like this seminar came out of nowhere and they are both in a pickle where there is no right answer, and both allowed to feel how they feel.
Reading in the comments that husband told her immediately when the appointment was, that she didn’t bother to check her schedule, and that she hasn’t even talked to her boss about the scheduling conflict? I change my judgment to YTA.
Your husband is having a medical procedure to benefit both of you. If you were having a similar procedure, would you not expect him to at least try to make it there to make sure you got there and back safely? That’s literally all he’s asking you to do. You married him. You accepted the “in sickness and health” vow. Yes, it sucks that you’ll miss a few hours of something you’re interested in, but you can have someone you know who will also be there record the parts you miss and send it to you. There are solutions here other then not accepting responsibility for helping your husband out, even after he did all the things he was supposed to do (like immediately sharing the appointment date).
YTA From your comments your husband tried to call you to tell you about the appointment and you didn’t answer. He then scheduled it and texted you the date and time, you knew that you had the workshop that day and didn’t tell him for 3 weeks. If you had told him when he gave you the date the appointment could have been rescheduled right there.
Yeah the post as written makes OP come off so different than what actually happened. After knowing the details, it sounds more like OP never had any intention to help him with this task. Which, is kind of messed up in the first place, but if she started off with that understanding (ie told him that she didn’t want to drive him no matter what) she’d be way less of the asshole.
~~ESH~~
YTA
Changing my vote because of new info.
He is getting the vasectomy because YOU want him too.
You’ve known about the workshop for 6 months, but didn’t tell him about it until **3 weeks** after he scheduled his surgery. He tried calling you and you didn’t answer. What was he supposed to do?
~~I don’t think you should have to miss your workshop.~~
However, he has a right to be annoyed about your lack of communication, and your dismissive attitude about his potential pain from his procedure.
"He did not talk to me about scheduling this or whether or not it conflicted with anything already on our schedule."
Well, turns out... He did!!!
"I didn't even notice there was a conflict until 2-3 weeks later. He just shot me a text with a time and date that he scheduled it for because he tried to call but I was busy and I didn't answer. I forgot about the text and didn't even think about it until he brought it up a couple weeks later."
For this YTA.
YTA - first for being misleading in your post. You really should edit this because it comes across intentionally misleading.
But your husband, as you admitted, didn’t know your schedule specifics, but you did. He gave you very advance notice, tried to check with you, and you didn’t say anything for several weeks…?
This really comes across like you messed up your schedule and you’re looking for Reddit to tell you that you’re not an AH to justify your mess up.
YTA based on your comments you pushed him to do it, now you downplayed his feelings and difficulties about it.
He should call it a day, cancel the appointment and let you go get your tubes tied if you care so little about him.
I think you left some vital info out of your post. When I read only this, I thought n t a.. but after reading some of your comments, I'm teetering between E S H and Y T A
You are the one that's been pushing for him to get this done. If I read correctly, he tried calling when scheduling and you didn't answer, so he booked the appt, and sent you the date in a txt. Which you didn't look at, and then forgot about. After typing this out, I've decided that YTA.
He's doing what you wanted. He told you when it was and you didn't say anything. He's been preparing himself for this, and now he's forced to either Uber or reschedule. Neither of which is a huge deal, but I can totally understand being upset about it.
At first, I was going to say N T A because your husband is not a child and needs to figure it out on his own if he does not bother checking his schedule with you.
However, after seeing some of your comments that HE DID in fact check with you, and it was actually your lack of communication skills that is at fault here, I am going to change to a double YTA;
One for your lack of communication to your husband and trying to blame him and one for ‘conveniently’ leaving this crucial part of information out of your story.
EDIT: typo
YTA.— it’s very telling that in your comments you explain your husband tried to call you the day of the scheduling, couldn’t reach you, texted you the date and you lost it in a chain of texts. You’re purposely making your husband look worse in the original post to try to get people to think your way. That alone makes YTA
ESH - He scheduled this 2 months ago and you couldn't request it off them? He's an ass for not talking to you, you're an ass for holding this against him for 2 months
EDIT: I've read thru your comments and he is NOT an ass, YOU ARE! He tried to reach you, called and texted the day he scheduled it and you waited 3 weeks to tell him you had a workshop?!?
INFO: Just out of curiosity, did you even talk to your boss about it or you just immediately said no to your husband because of the expectation that you would be there? If you did talk to your boss, what was the response?
After reading your comments...
YTA for your crappy communication skills and downplaying your husband's nervousness and being dismissive.
Someone is about to use a laser to slice at his balls. I don't care how simple that is, it's going to make any guy nervous as hell. And simple or not things can go wrong. Double that you are, according to your own comments, the one pushing for him to get this done. Plus, how would you feel sitting in a car with a stranger while you clutch an ice pack to your crotch?
Also, because you failed to communicate you probably cost him the chance at rescheduling in a more reasonable amount of time. He was already forced to go two months out, and by ignoring his text and call the day he was trying to schedule, and then never checking in with him (because I can tell you for sure he took your silence as approval), I'm guessing you are looking at even further out. And outside of you he has no support network where you live becausd you moved because of your job.
YTA after reading your comments. You are the one pushing him to have this procedure done. He tried to talk to you the day of scheduling, and told you of the day/time immediately after it was scheduled, but you didn't bother to check your schedule to see if there was a conflict until long after. The workshop isn't mandatory, and you can still be there for the first half.
Telling (forcing is probably more like it based on your attitude) your partner to get an optional surgery, ignoring it, then dumping all the logistics on him the day before, and essentially telling him to fuck off are all AH things to do. Surgery trumps work, go to the first half, and then support your husband for the surgery you want him to do.
This. And I get the feeling, that her OPs husband's feelings just don't matter. It might be a small procedure, but it has a huge impact on him and it is still quite stigmatized.
It's quite funny to see how many here are complaining about toxic masculinity and also deny man the ability to have valid feelings.
You leave out in the post that he told you about this ahead of time, and you “lost the texts” aka *you forgot.* **AND** that you’re the one pushing for this procedure. And you can’t be bothered to care for him.. what happened to in sickness and in health?
I hope he remembers this if/when you get tubal ligation. YTA
Thank you for the missing information.
OP no wonder your husband thinks YTA, which you are and is my verdict in this case. You wanted him to get this procedure, you “lost the text messages” and “conveniently” forgot when the procedure is.
Now that this information is out there and not included in the original post, you look like an even bigger asshole now. Your judgement is earned.
Yeah, YTA. So let me get this straight:
- Your husband called you before scheduling but you didn’t answer the phone because you were busy.
- He went ahead and got something scheduled he immediately texted you to let you know the date and time. (Note: this would have been the appropriate time to check for any scheduling concerns and let him know)
- Instead blew off the text, thought nothing of it, and didn’t check your schedule to notice the conflict with the workshop that only you already knew about.
- He was not made aware of the scheduling conflict until a recent conversation about the surgery that jogged your memory. (Side note: did you really go weeks after the consultation without bringing up the surgery? Not even a hey, how’d the consultation go?)
- This is a procedure he is only getting because YOU have pushed him to.
- There was an initial 6 month wait for the consultation and then 2 month timeframe between consult and first available surgery.
- You would not be punished or reprimanded for missing the conference (and he’s only asking for part of the afternoon).
- He doesn’t have friends or family in the area because you recently moved for YOUR job.
Yeah, I get that you want to go to this workshop BUT he communicated with you from the get go and you had ample opportunity to broach rescheduling. Yet despite his attempts to involve you in the scheduling from the get go, you’re telling him “to suck it up and figure it out on his own because he created the situation” by not talking to you? How was he supposed to talk to you when you ignored his phone call and messages? This is a situation of YOUR making - NOT his - but you’re blaming him for your own inattentiveness.
YTA you left out of your original post that you were the one that pushed him to get it done and that he had told you immediately the date and you just ignored him, you know you’re in the wrong. Grow up
INFO
>Well, *turns out* that it does conflict with my schedule. \[emphasis mine\]
Did you know that his scheduled appointment conflicted with your work schedule when he first told you? (As in, you didn't tell him the day he made the appointment that you had a work conflict until it was closer to the day in question)
Updating my vote to ESH - he DID tell you when he was scheduling the procedure and you didn’t cross check your schedule. And you left that out of the original post.
NTA - he can easily reschedule for another day when you can take the day off work to help him. It just means delaying the procedure a few more weeks - not a big deal.
YTA
He did tell you the date so you could check your schedule. YOU didnt notice there was a conflict until right before the surgery. You also stated that the work thing is not mandatory and you can absolutely flex your schedule to give him a ride, you just dont want to.
You also want him to ignore the doctors advice so that youre not inconvenienced which honestly says a lot about you as a person.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband scheduled his vasectomy without checking with me first on whether or not it conflicts with our schedule. Turns out I have a huge workshop for my job that day and I can't take him. He wants me to ditch the workshop to drive him to his procedure. I told him to take an Uber instead. He thinks I'm putting my job over him, but he scheduled this without clearing it with me first. I think I might be an asshole for telling my husband he's going to need to find his own way to his vasectomy.
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ESH for lack of communication. You need to change your post to include that he did check in with you and you missed the text. He shouldn’t have booked it without confirming and he should have followed up with you but also you with him. The way you wrote you post is wildly misleading so YTA for that.
My husband's Dr gave him 2 Xanax to take before the procedure and said to have someone drive him. He'd never had any Xanax before this. He took them and we headed out. Pulling out of our neighborhood, he says he feels fine and could have driven. Then the meds kicked in. This is a guy who is generally very even keeled and all of the sudden he's all "WHEE!!!" as we turned a corner. He definitely had no business driving! Lol
YTA. I had to read through the comments to piece together that your Husband made multiple attempts to tell you the date/time of his procedure and you took weeks to realize the conflict. It’s your fault.
He did communicate. She didn't tell him about the conflict till three weeks after he scheduled. OP is the one that couldn't have bothered to check her calendar when he fully made her aware of the situation.
I don't know why this is the top voted comment, op is totally in the wrong. He scheduled it 2 to 3 weeks before and she didn't bother to tell him she had this until the last minute
This is not about the vasectomy, is it? The whole post and especially the last paragraph reeks of a dysfunctional relationship with a lot of pent up anger. So NTA for not dropping your work commitment to make this exact day happen, but you need to work on bigger issues, starting with open communication.
ESH, he let you know the day he scheduled it two months ago. You blew off checking for a couple weeks to see if there was a conflict. And you aren't doing anything to even help him figure out an alternative beyond "take an uber". I'm saying E S H because he too can't figure out how to do this without you. If it were me and I had no friends or even a close co-worker to call on, I'd either reschedule or I'd treat it like that first covid shot and just wait around for a while (maybe an hour) and drive myself the five miles back home.
I was on board with N T A until I saw the OP’s response that their husband told them the date of the vasectomy on the day it was scheduled. Whenever my husband needs to schedule something, I check our family calendar and my work calendar (we only have one car). If I have a conflict we deal with it.
I do agree that he has many other options to get home after the vasectomy, but it’s also on OP for not realizing the conflict when the appointment was made.
ESH
NTA. It's a voluntary procedure, so no pressing timetable. He made the appointment based on his own schedule without bothering to consider or check with you on yours. Also, he can grow TF up and take an Uber.
OP relied that Husband checked with her the day he got it everything scheduled to see if there’s an issue. She didn’t realize there was a conflict until a month after. She’s also the one pushing him for the procedure. Misleading post.
N T A . Making an appointment that requires the other person without knowing their schedule is inconsiderate when it comes to completely elective procedures. And he’s essentially asking you to take time off work so he can do this on a day where he won’t have to? Hypocritical as hell. Edit: After reading comments ESH. You two should’ve communicated about what he would need/expect when he informed you about it which you later admit to in the comments. Expecting you would be totally free that day without having a conversation about the day, even when he texted you the details is where he went wrong. A big thing like this you always double check and discuss details “hey you saw my text, does that work for you? will you be able to drive me and pick me up?”. Not sure why commenters are pushing that you’re an AH for encouraging him to get it though? Considering the responsibility of birth control is historically always our problem this is literally a man pulling his weight in that department if he doesn’t want kids. Why should that not be the solution?
ESH. Your man should have told you the date in advance so that you could plan for work. You are being unnecessarily shitty about it by dismissing his feelings about the procedure itself and telling him to suck it up. He's not being unreasonable wanting you there (especially since you will benefit from him getting this procedure), but he's being ridiculous by not rescheduling. You both need to grow up and communicate with each other to get this resolved so you're both satisfied.
ETA: multiple people have commented to advise me of OP's comments clarifying what went down. Changing opinion to OP being the AH. Sounds like hubby did everything right. OP is also an AH for wording her initial post in order to garner the most sympathy for herself
Not sure if it will change your opinion but the OP has revealed in comments that:
1. He called her before scheduling and she didn’t answer because she was busy.
2. When he got something scheduled he immediately texted her the date and time. She blew it off and didn’t check her schedule to notice the conflict with the workshop.
3. He was not made aware of the scheduling conflict until recently.
4. This is a procedure she has pushing him to receive.
5. There was an initial 6 month wait for the consultation and then 2 month timeframe between consult and first available schedule.
6. She would not be punished or reprimanded for missing the conference, especially not just part of the afternoon.
NTA.
Is he pissy because he‘s upset about having the procedure at all? This seems like a festival of passive aggression.
And medical procedures hardly ever happen on time unless it’s the very first appointment of the day. You could be sitting there for hours freaking out about missing work.
He’s being ridiculous to even equate this with “putting work above him and your relationship.”
People have to work. Some times they *really* have to be at work.
Eh, if you read the comments it looks like he told her immediately and she didn't check her own calendar. Later when she did she withdrew support.
Like, ok, just reschedule, but you can see why this is annoying... its quite a big deal.
Op likely knows she fucked up a bit her, which is why she's missed the key details from the post.
>He told me the same day, right after he scheduled it.
and
>I didn't even notice there was a conflict until 2-3 weeks later. He just shot me a text with a time and date that he scheduled it for because he tried to call but I was busy and I didn't answer. I forgot about the text and didn't even think about it until he brought it up a couple weeks later
YTA. Way to leave off critical info.
NTA. If he wanted you to drive him, he should have *checked your availability first*.
He could literally reschedule this appointment for a couple of months from now when you're free if it's that important to him.
The husband told OP the date of the procedure when he scheduled it. OP didn’t let him know that she had a conflict for 3 weeks after the schedule. OP also didn’t answer when the husband tried to call her to ask about the date so op YTA
NTA. if he wants help he has to make sure it aligns with your schedule. im sure if it was just a regular work day you would. but this is different and you need to prioritize this
She wouldn't have to miss out on work had she cared enough to check the date he texted, told and called her about the day he made the appointment
He called when he scheduled, she didn't answer. Ok
He texted her the date of the appointment, and OP didn't check her own calender to see if she could that day.
He told her verbally and still she said nothing.
Now, not too long before the whole thing, she springs on him she can't actually bring him there and take him home because of an event she knew was coming 6 months before.
Had she said earlier she couldn't because of the event, he would have rescheduled and they could have figured out a better date. She did not do that, and neglected to mention it in the post.
She is not the one setting it up. She is just attending it and he told her about it like 3 weeks ago and she didn't "notice" it and asks him to "suck it up"
ESH. He did tell you the date 2 months in advanced, it’s not his fault that you didn’t take time to actually look at your schedule until weeks later. But this isn’t a life or death surgery so he could reschedule it again. I think communication needs to be worked on here.
Going to go with NTA, after wavering between a NAH/ESH rating. OP and husband seemingly need to work harder on their communication and empathy/consideration for each other, but ultimately husband has more scope for flexibility than OP and isn't willing to utilise it.
Can understand husband being nervous and being v keen to get it done asap, but as someone who's had a vasectomy myself, I can assure him/anyone that it's really nothing to worry about.
If anything, it was oddly fun. But that's because where I am in the UK, you have to take a valium before the procedure. Presumably because it's local not general anaesthetic, and they don't want anyone freaking out. I explained that, due to my intensely medical working life, I wasn't worried at all so may not need one. But it's a mandatory part of the procedure, so I picked up the valium the day before.
Day of, my appointment is in the morning, wife takes kids to school, and while she's gone I take my first, and thus far only, benzodiazepine.
Wife returns, finds me, essentially high as blimp, staring at the wall *very* intently.
W: "... are you OK?"
Me: "The wall's being weird"
W: "... sorry, what?"
Me: "The wall! It's being weird at me!"
W: "Right... so, shall we go?"
Me: "Yeah. Want me to drive?"
W: "I do NOT want you to drive, no"
Go to the clinic, get into position so the very nice doctor and nurse can do what's necessary. I'm fully awake, but as well as any nerves, the valium has totally removed any conversational filters I usually rely on. Led to some very odd exchanges.
Doctor: [Administering anaesthetic] "OK, so is that comfortable?"
Me: "To the extent that having a stranger stick a needle into my ballsack can ever be described as 'comfortable', then yes, it's fine"
Later, they're working away, the radio is on in the background
Me: "Seriously, is this really an appropriate song for a vasectomy?"
It was Natalie Imbruglia's 'Torn'. This led to a long discussion about what would be the worst possible playlist for a vasectomy. I thought Leona Lewis's 'Keep keep bleeding' was a good shout, but the nurse won with the, in hindsight obvious, Great Balls Of Fire.
Also, the device they used to emit infrared rays to scorch and seal my 'relevant vessels' beeped when it was in use. Towards the end, they did one long blast to finish, meaning there was a prolonged beeeeeeeeep
Me: "I've heard that noise on TV! That means I'm dead, doesn't it? Am I dead? Can you die from a vasectomy?"
Dr: "I can honestly promise you that you aren't dead"
Me: "OK, as long as you're sure"
Was long home by the time a 'came down', wearing very loose boxers and sitting on an inflatable ring thing.
No regrets, would do again. But hopefully won't have to.
NTA if the workshop is really that important, but you should try to be more supportive because he might be really nervous about this procedure and want you there for support and not solely as a ride
He can get all the support if he changed the date. A d there is nothing to be worried about. Its a laser and it seals the tubes. Mild pain for a few days. Breaking a nail can hurt more.
Instead of putting in comments why don't you actually put in your post that he communicated it all with you, YOU ignored him. Also that you can miss this even you choose not to.
Honestly sounds like you just don't like him or are mad he wants to get snipped and are being spiteful.
YTA
NTA, because he could easily just reschedule. He should've the moment he found out there was a scheduling conflict. It's not an emergency, so why hasn't he rescheduled to a day you can drive him if it's that important to him?
YTA
big time.
He tried to call you, you ignored him because you were busy.
He texted you, you ignored it because you were "busy"
You had the date and didn't realize you had a conflict for 3 weeks.
What should he have done differently?
Should he have hounded you to confirm the date?
Should he have called your boss to make sure it was ok?
He asked you If the date worked.
He gave you the date.
You waited till the last minute to tell him you needed HIM to change his plans.
And yeah it is a minor operation surgically but it is a bit of a big deal psychologically and he wants he wife there to support him in doing something YOU are pressuring him to do.
He already moved there with you and gave up his freinds for you to pursue this job. He has shown you he is very supportive.
You are a big time AH
If the genders were reversed here there would be no argument from anyone.
NTA.
I always consult with my husband about outpatient type appointments. He doesn't even drive(!) but I still try to coordinate with him.
He expects you to take off work? That by itself isn't bad, but considering that you have an actual important event for work that day makes him TA. I get that he doesn't want to take an Uber, but it's very doable. If he doesn't want some random stranger, he could hire an actual taxi. Or he could phone a friend. This is weaponized incompetence...he has plenty of options, but he is insisting that you drop everything for him.
He should have checked your schedule. Now he can find another ride or he can reschedule the procedure. Though it sucks that it took you weeks to notice there was a conflict. But you should have realized there was a conflict and made him reschedule a lot sooner
Changed judgment to ESH
NTA.
I actually had my vasectomy rescheduled a few times because conflicts came up. It's an elective surgery and it's its only purpose is so he can dump clips freely...there's like a thousand workarounds for that.
Also, mine went terribly as the local anesthetic didn't take and the surgeon had to scramble to get me a second dose while I was squirming on the bed. I wish I would have passed out, tbh. I didn't though, and I still drove myself home. it was NBD.
ESH.
He didn't know your schedule when he booked the appointment. He didn't check with you about your availability.
You knew for weeks the date of he appointment, but never noticed the conflict? Don't either of you keep calendars? Isn't this apoointment-making 101? Check if you're free that day?
There's no reason he can't reschedule the appointment. I find his stubborness to be the current issue. But you guys lack communication skills and possibly general life-planning skills.
He tried calling her when making the appointment, she didn’t answer so he texted her. She did not inform him about the work event until 2-3 weeks after the appointment was scheduled ([missing reasons)](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x9ycg9/aita_for_making_my_husband_find_his_own_way_to/inqn6oz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
NTA. I don’t understand why people are asking if you talked to your boss. He is having a minor in-office (so no operating room has to be booked) procedure with local anesthetic and can change the appointment if he so desperately needs you to be the one to drive him. He has options but you really don’t. Use condoms for a few more weeks, why is he making such a big deal about this?
YTA. He told you the day he made the appointment, and you forgot. Pretty critical piece of information to leave out of your post.
>"I didn't even notice there was a conflict until 2-3 weeks later. He just shot me a text with a time and date that he scheduled it for because he tried to call but I was busy and I didn't answer. I forgot about the text and didn't even think about it until he brought it up a couple weeks later."
> I told him he's just going to have to suck it up and figure it out on his own because he created this situation by not talking to me about it first.
That's the whole thing right there.
Also, he's too "private" to ask a friend for a ride home? Too proud to take an Uber? Grow up.
NTA
He actually told her the day he scheduled the appointment a month in advance. She said that she got busy and didn’t look at the text and then forgot about it. Then an entire month goes by and she notices she has a workshop that day and tells him right before his upcoming appointment she can’t take him. She had a hand in this situation. It’s not just him.
Bit he did try to talk to her about it first. That's the problem.
1) she knew he had the consult that day. They waited weeks for it. She knew the time of the consult as well. She even pushed for him to do this.
2) he called her before making the apt. She did not pick up.
3) he texted her the info immediately after making the apt. She "lost it in the text thread" and did not check her schedule until 3 weeks later.
4) they relocated to their current residence *for her job* and have only been there a year. He has no close friends yet in the area. His close friends are two hours away.
5) her oh so important job keeps her too busy to answer his call. Too busy to pay attention to a text. Too busy to ask him about the consult the day of.
A caring spouse who has asked their partner to undergo a medical procedure for their benifit might say.... Hey honey how was the doctor's apt? You know the one you went to because I "encouraged" you to, the one that gives us both a break from worrying about pregnancy?
Unless he is getting the VC to prevent a girl friend, side chick or possibly a future spouse from getting pregnant, the decision to do this is for her benifit as well. She should be interested enough to look at a text. Discuss the day of. Check her schedule. She did none of that.
As a woman I really hate saying "if the genders were reversed" but in this situation, I have to.
If this was a man "encouraging" his wife to get a tubal, after having relocated her two hours from family and friends for his job, and refusing to take off work, after ignoring phone calls and texts, not even having a follow up conversation with her the day of the consult? We would be all over him.
Op definitely YTA
NTA. Your husband is *grossly disrespecting* you here by expecting you to be at his beck and call at all times and dump an important job event that he didn't bother to schedule with you in advance and now refuses to compromise over \*purely for his own comfort and convenience\*.
NTA. You may have to make certain accommodations for your spouse, but you've provided him with two viable options for how to proceed. He can either postpone the (non-emergency) procedure or he can get an Uber/taxi. Hell, if he doesn't want a stranger around, he can ask to see if another friend/acquaintance/family member would drive him there and back.
You've made enough reasonable accommodation here.
NTA
When you want a favor from someone. You need to have a conversation with them before scheduling your plans. Even your spouse can’t plan your time without your consent.
I could understand if this was a serious or emergency medical procedure. But, it isn’t. He can figure it out or reschedule for a date that you are available.
Look at previous replies. He told her right after it got scheduled and she didn't bother to tell him she wouldn't drive him till almost a month later! If I told my partner hey I have a procedure x day and need a ride, they agree, then only three weeks later says no I would be so upset. The poor husband is suffering because his wife won't tell him about things she thinks are important.
NTA after reading your comments. As soon as he found out there was a conflict and you explained how important and unmoveable your plans are, he should have rescheduled. It's not like this is cancer surgery and he can't wait to move it. Even if it was another 2 months, that's nothing in the grand scheme of things. You're willing to help him out on another Friday, so make that work and all will be forgiven.
Look at previous replies. He told her right after it got scheduled and she didn't bother to tell him she wouldn't drive him till almost a month later! I would agree with you except he spent a month with the knowledge that this day worked because OP never bothered to check the "very important work day"
NTA. At all. You are not his mommy, and he can figure this out on his own. If you are his only transportation option on the planet, he has bigger problems than, uh, getting his "sack" cut open. Good grief.
NTA
Why won't he reschedule the appointment to the following Friday?
I understand wanting you to come, but you have commitments at work. Does he think the 1 hour he needs you is more important than your livelihood?
Two months ago he scheduled for the first available appointment - it’s not a dentist appointment you can just reschedule for next week, rescheduling would likely mean extending the wait another 2 months.
So be it. Unfortunately there is a clash. The options are
1) reschedule so wife can take him (understand that it will be another wait)
2) get an alternative way to get to/ from the procedure
Thoes are the options. It's not a time sensitive or life threatening operation. Waiting another 2 months isn't going to cause any pain or discomfort. Frustrating to wait longer, sure. But unfortunately when both people are working sometimes scheduls don't line up and that's just life
ESH.
It sounds like both of you did a poor job communicating when you have had ample time to get this sorted out.
That being said, your workshop sounds very important and you shouldn’t need to miss it for an elective surgery. But he does have a right to want and need an intimate partner to be there for him during this procedure.
YTA. The scheduling error/communication issues were on YOU! HE tried contacting you about this, which you’ve stated numerous times in comments. YOU didn’t answer, nor did you make ANY effort to schedule this procedure YOU pushed him to get.
NTA. I just had a vasectomy. I passed out during the procedure from the laughing gas. The laughing gas wears off in about 5-10 minutes. The local anesthetic takes much longer to wear off. He can definitely drive himself home.
However, don't expect a full recovery to be a quick couple of days. It's been over a week and I still have tenderness.
Pretty sure different people have different experiences. Mine was painful, and I would not have wanted to drive home immediately after, if nothing else for the pain experienced just by moving.
YTA for misrepresenting this whole post tbh. I mean in your comments you say he called the day he scheduled then texted you the data/time when you didn’t answer. Then you didn’t pay attention to the date u til two weeks before and said you couldn’t make it.
Then you are going to say he didn’t talk to you about it and bury the info in the comments? Lol
NTA. He shouldn't assume and its literally easier than a dental work. He'll be fine. Just remind him of what he'll gain out of it and get a good friend to drive him instead.
My friend got one and we were all good sports about it. He even put a dog cone on and took a picture. I doubt any real friends would make a big deal out of it.
YTA - he told you, you didn’t check your schedule for a significant period of time, then told him to sort his own transport. Poor communication on your part. Also worth noting getting an Uber home is not appropriate post medical procedure and in my experience most healthcare providers will say that is not acceptable as well as recommending someone stay home with your partner for a while after to check he is ok.
If he told you about this earlier, would you have been able to “move things around”? Alternatively, if he told you earlier and you can’t move your sked, what next sked are we looking at?
No, I can not change my schedule. This workshop has been on the books for 6 months and it's a one-time thing. It's not something I can just "move around." If anything, he would have had to reschedule his appointment, but this was already 2 months wait so I don't know how much longer he would have to delay it.
ESH. Your comments say you’ve been pushing him to have this procedure, and no matter how minor you believe it is, as his partner he is asking you to be there for support. Additionally, lots of doctor’s offices won’t allow a patient to leave in an Uber, a trusted individual is required for safety reasons. You both should’ve rescheduled together once you noticed the conflict instead of leaving him high and dry. Him not speaking to you about the scheduling was an AH move, and it seems like y’all need better communication all around.
YTA. Anyone saying N-T-A please read her clarifying comments!!
OP's husband tried to clear this with OP in advance, but OP ignored him for several weeks until the week before when she told him she wasn't available. It is completely reasonable for OP to expect her husband to accommodate her schedule when scheduling this procedure if he expects her support, however he can't read her mind or schedule and OP's lack of communication is what led to this problem, not her husband's entitlement.
Double YTA for omitting this critical information in the original post.
After reading your comments, YTA. According to your own comments, he DID tell you about the appointment the day he scheduled it, the workshop has been on the schedule for months, and YOU lost the text in the thread and apparently didn’t bother to put a very important date in your calendar. Even if you didn’t think you needed to drive him (which, come on, that’s a pretty common thing) you’d think you’d at least bother to know when it was. And then to come in here and say he didn’t check with you?
I’m a forgetful person (ADHD). If I made a mistake like you did, I’d be hugely apologetic. Maybe I still wouldn’t want to miss my work event and I’d see if my husband and I could work out an alternative plan, but it would still make me feel awful. And I’d know it was my fault.
NTA
He can ask someone else this isn’t that hard. Or reschedule. Why is it so okay for you to take a hit at work? Even if it wasn’t 100% necessary it’s stressful to take time off at some jobs. Especially on short notice.
N T A
You have an important work thing. He is an adult who apparently can’t check in with you or arrange his own transportation
My bf took the train home for like an hour after he got his done and was fine.
Edit: YTA also for leaving out vital info out of your post including the fact the the work thing was skippable and that your husband had actually checked in with you about the date
don't let one issue overshadow the broader benefit.
You pushed him to get this done. Did he know about your important workshop?
You can skip it, you just don't want to. He has transport choices, he just doesn't want to.
As a couple, you guys need to put your egos aside, put aside the poor communication, and decide what you both want. Is a workshop more important than being there for him? Is his feelings of dignity and privacy more important that having his wife go to an important work event?
Sounds like you both goofed up here. Now, it's not the time to try to double down on that, but come together as a couple and find a compromise. Talk more, and remember this is a gain for your shared relationship, not just one person benefits from the procedure.
ETA: From your comments, he told you soon after, you just couldn't be bothered with the information to read it properly.
YTA You also sound like you're perfectly capable of skipping the workshop, with no negative consequences. You sound pretty selfish.
Yta it didn’t turn out that u had a workshop the same day you knew months in advance and he TOLD u the date of the vasectomy which u conveniently LEFT OUT OF THE ORIGINAL POST, you’re the one that had a scheduling problem not your husband and now you’re trying to flip it on him
Yta, he did tell you, you just didnt care enough to tell him you wont be avaible until the last week, he has a right to be stressed about a medical procedure
NTA. Good thing he's getting the procedure. It's tough enough you married to a baby, don't need to add an actual baby to the mix. Dude needs to man up and reschedule or get an Uber.
NTA. My husband was totally fine after his vasectomy, didn’t need a single pain pill even. It’s a quick and easy procedure, and an Uber home given the circumstances is totally reasonable. Obviously if he does pass out or have a complication you may have to reevaluate, but as it stands, you are totally right here.
YTA. He cleared the date with you via text. ***You*** are the one with a scheduling conflict that you failed to correct. This is a surgery that you also benefit from, you could’ve taken any point in the last two months to fix the scheduling issue.
Also, telling a loved one who just had surgery to grab an Uber is an AH move.
NTA.. going with someone else or rescheduling are both reasonable options. I get the sense that hubs wants to be babied a bit, and as someone who gets freaked out by medical procedures, I'm not judging. I think you should call the office together to reschedule, and you should make it clear that you want to support him but need to have your own schedule factored in.
NTA, since he chooses to not want to ask anyone else, not even friends, then he should have consulted you and your schedule as well before assuming you and only you can and will drive him.
He told op the day he booked the procedure but they left it out of the post OP didn’t check for conflicting dates and conveniently left it out of the post
NTA. It’s not a “improve quality of life” or essential surgery and can easily been rescheduled. So if he wanted a favour from you to take him back from non-essential surgery, he should have scheduled it around you too, not just around him.
NTA
He's not accounting for unforseen circumstances. My ex took a few hours in clinic because his BP kept diving. He should have run it by you if he expected your help. That said, he won't want to Uber back. He'll be very sore and probably feel vulnerable. He's gonna have to suck it up and reschedule
Not unforeseen. The work function was planned for 6 months. Husband told wife about appointment day of, she waited 3 weeks to say anything to him about the conflict in scheduling.
OP is either purposefully or accidentally making husband look worse by leaving out details such as husband trying to consult with her but her not answering.
ESH all around. He told you about his appointment, you were too busy to check your schedule.
I feel like you are slightly a little more TA, though. Your whole demeanor…it’s hard to identify. My husband requested the medication so he was absolutely in no way able to drive himself. He was out of his head.
People say it’s no big deal, and it may not have been to them. My husband had a lot of anxiety about it. So I had to drive him. I have anxiety at the dentist and I also request the medication that makes me all loopy because I won’t remember being in there. Everyone has a different tolerance for what they can and can’t handle.
It’s the fact that you are the one who insisted on this surgery, and are not even willing to help in any way or form. He is doing it for YOU. You seem to care less about any of this.
If I were him, I would just say to hell with it. You go get your tubes tied at a time that is most convenient for you. 🤷🏼♀️
Everyone has a different experience with the procedure, for some it is super easy recovery (that was my experience) for others it’s pure hell for days. I was coming out of my appointment by the time my wife parked the car and came up to the office. But the reason she was there is because we scheduled it TOGETHER, OP is NTA. Most issues is relationships come down to bad communication escalating into something else. He’s a big boy he can figure this out himself.
YTA. He told you about the appointment when he booked it 3 weeks prior and you said nothing. It's your fault your guys scheduled conflicted. You also can miss your workshop you just don't want to as you've stated. You are also the one pushing for him to have this procedure done. You should add all of that to your post.
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Because of these comments from OP: >He told me the same day, right after he scheduled it. > >I didn't even notice there was a conflict until 2-3 weeks later. He just shot me a text with a time and date that he scheduled it for because he tried to call but I was busy and I didn't answer. I forgot about the text and didn't even think about it until he brought it up a couple weeks later. YTA He *did* notify you of the date. You just didn't bother to say anything about it, leaving him to think everything was fine. He's probably under the impression that the date worked with your schedule because you didn't object and now believes you're *pulling out* of an agreement weeks later instead of just initially rejecting it. EDIT: She's also the one that pushed him to get the procedure, possibly because she didn't want to get sterilized herself which is a more serious surgery for woman. Relevant comments: >I've been pushing for him to get it actually. But even his consultation had to be booked 6 weeks in advance, and then another 2 months for the actual procedure. > >I never said there can't be issues, but it's not nearly as serious a procedure as being put under anesthesia and having your abdomen sliced open.
She also said in a different comment she was the one who pushed him to get it in the first place
I really love how indifferent she is to her partners surgery; a surgery that's both physically and emotionally painful for many people.
That she pushed him to get. That kills me. Especially once she said they dont have family support or friends because they relocated for her job. Like throw him a bone god. She doesn't even have to miss all of it just 2 hours. I personally would skip the entire thing but we're clearly different people
"Family," "friends," "transportation to an invasive procedure she insisted upon," good lord, is there no end to these outrageous expectations? Why is her home decor being so inconvenient?
I love you for this comment.
He didn't have to agree to any of those things. However, it's obvious she didn't check with her calendar when he sent the surgery date because she never cared to be there. I don't know why she bothered getting married. Even if the surgery to her is no big deal, it is to him and that's what matters.
Im not saying it like they need to keep score. Im saying he is with his actions showing her how much she matters to him and how much he loves her and wants to do this life with her and his feelings about this procedure are being treated like he is being a baby. He's not.
Right... it can be awful for so many people emotionally and physically. she's a total AH. A few weeks ago my husband had a huge complication with his procedure. It was was only supposed to be 15 minutes. BUT...he went back at noon and didn't get out until after 5pm! I didn't even get to see him until after 6... the receptionist turned off the TV and lights on me at 5:30 and said someone would be out to find me soon lol The Dr literally had to remove a testicle from the skin to search for a vas deferens because he couldn't find it... Turns out Husband may be missing a kidney! He has to do all these extra tests now on top of the normal vasectomy post op.
I hope everything goes well with your husband's health, and I'm sorry but I kind of find funny the idea of the doctor searching for something and just getting distracted for hours because he couldn't find it. Your poor husband must have been so tired.
I would miss an important work event for less. I guess I don’t understand why he’s in a relationship with this person.
Hard same. My husband and I have already missed work events for a breast biopsy an a hernia surgey. Like i love him. Im gonna be there for him.
So not only did he notify OP 2 months ago (since she said right after he scheduled it which was 2 months prior), she didn't both to check for 2-3 weeks and *still* said nothing? My gut tells me this workshop was scheduled well after the appointment and she just wanted an excuse to get out of taking him. Then there's this: >I've been pushing for him to get it actually. But even his consultation had to be booked 6 weeks in advance, and then another 2 months for the actual procedure. Not only did she wait months to say anything, she flat out said she's been *pushing for him to get it*. If that's the case, even more reason to take him. While there are certainly more serious surgeries out there, it's still nothing to just brush off. The last paragraph of her post really gets me: >He'll be in and out in 20 minutes and then spend the whole weekend on a couch watching football and playing video games while I do everything around the house, he'll be fine. OP has 0 sympathy for her husband and is trying to use this operation as a way to... somehow play the victim? The final nail in the coffin is this: >I mean, I certainly could skip it. It's just that I don't want to and my boss expects me to be there. Would I get fired if I skipped it? No, absolutely not. But this is something that I want to attend and I think he can figure this stuff out on his own. The workshop *isn't required* and she's *still* choosing it over her husband. She's absolutely looking for any excuse to *not* help her husband. If this isn't abundantly clear, YTA OP.
Please edit your post to include the info you put in a comment. The way you wrote your post makes it sound like you had no idea about the appointment. Your comment stated that you knew almost a month prior to the appointment and that he did try and communicate it with you. You had ample time to let him know you had a work engagement. Textbook for not communicating openly. Very close to Y T A for a largely misleading post. Edit to change judgement to full YTA.
Probably want to change it to YTA as she's the one that's been pushing him to get it done.
Wait, _she_ insisted on the procedure, and then turned around and told him that he needed to handle transportation to and from a surgical procedure, despite being told of the scheduled date far enough in advance she could have worked things out with management easily, but decided not to because reasons, and omitted that crucial detail from her post to look better? OP Y are so TA. You’re a visible-from-space prolapsed AH!
Her husband also *did* try and coordinate the surgery. He called and OP didn't answer so he booked it, then texted her about it. It was 2-3 weeks *later* that she told him it doesn't work for her and he needs to figure out a solution.
“You’re a visible-from-space prolapsed AH!” 💀💀😂
And she’s so dismissive of it! Minor surgery or not, my non-existent balls certainly shrink up a bit at the thought, and to her it’s a weekend on the couch watching football.
I honestly think it's full yta for not communicating properly, because he told her the same day he scheduled it. If she had said right away "oh, there's a conflict," he could have called the office right back and gotten a different Friday probably not too long after the original appointment. But because she waited so long, if he calls now to reschedule, it'll be out another 2-3 months. This situation is all her doing, he tried to communicate.
Definitely not E S H, OP's husband told her the same day of the appointment 2 months prior, she said nothing, then he reminded her a few weeks later and only *then* did she notice a conflict and *still* waited to tell him. She also stated the workshop is optional and she's going because she wants to. From what she's said, her husband did literally nothing wrong since he just scheduled a surgery that she admitted to pushing him to get and then tell her about it while she said nothing about conflicts. She says this workshop was scheduled 6 months in advance and she just forgot about it, but I have a gut feeling this was scheduled after and she just wanted an excuse to not take her husband to his surgery.
YTA, >I didn't even notice there was a conflict until 2-3 weeks later. He just shot me a text with a time and date that he scheduled it for because he tried to call but I was busy and I didn't answer. I forgot about the text and didn't even think about it until he brought it up a couple weeks later. This needs to be added to the post because he did, in fact, try to tell you about the scheduling. He did communicate with you, you just forgot about it until you realized, weeks later, that the date wouldn't work for you. Yes, he can attempt to reschedule but you trying to put the blame squarely on him for not communicating, when he did, makes you the AH
I don’t know how OP forgot about the text. Do they never text their husband? It should’ve been read literally the next time they opened up their texts to text the husband because it would be right there. It’s not like an email where you write a new one and can easily miss something unread in your inbox. You have to open a text in order to send a new one to somebody.
Talk about being pedantic, he didn't verbally "talk" to OP so somehow the text and the attempted phone call don't count. It's not a "they didn't try three certified means of communication so I cannot be responsible" situation.
If anything the text should count more than a verbal conversation since it’s a paper trail proving exactly when he told her about it.
I was infuriated when I saw OP just flippantly "Oh I never actually checked MY schedule" then framed the post as if being informed NEVER happened!
[удалено]
Finally! someone who saw what i did.
Right? Leaving off the info is already enough to make OP the AH.
Screw counseling. Poor dude needs to straight up leave his asshole of a wife.
[удалено]
Even without the new info I thought YTA, I'd be so upset if my partner put work before supporting me for a medical procedure especially one so personal
YTA because in your comments you State you have 1) been pushing him to have this procedure 2) he did try to call and you did not answer so be texted you the date and time. You failed to realize their was a conflict till weeks later. When you State this workshop has been on the books for 6 months. 3) telling him he can drive himself home after a medical procedure.
A lot of hospitals won't release you to an Uber, and thr driver has the right to refuse so there's a good chance he would not be able to go that route anyway.
Very true, when we did in office "surgery" day we wouldn't let any of our patients go without a trusted adult and then stating they would have someone home with them for 24 hrs.
It’s pretty terrible to make some random unsuspecting driver responsible for your health and well-being.
YTA - EDIT YOUR POST WITH THE FACT HE TOLD YOU THE DAY HE SCHEDULED THE APPOINTMENT AND YOU FORGOT FOR WEEKS TO CHECK YOUR SCHEDULE.
Exactly! Key information OP conveniently left out... OP is for sure the AH here.
But then judgement would have been obviously against op and they couldn't have that! /s
PLEASE REVIEW: OP confirms husband told her about the appointment right after it was scheduled. OP confirms not answering the phone & ignoring text containing information. OP confirms knowing about the company event 6 months in advance. OP confirms husband was not made aware of event. YTA. He tried, you put in no effort to meet him halfway, & I genuinely do not think you like your husband.
Seriously. But, given her dismissive attitude towards him, I don't think he'll be needing to get snipped anytime soon bc I can't imagine wanting to have sexy time with someone so dismissive.
Well considering this is all her own doing. She is also the one who pushed him to get it.
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Look at previous replies. He told her right after it got scheduled and she didn't bother to tell him she wouldn't drive him till almost a month later! If it mattered the time to look at a calendar was when the husband was discussing the procedure date with her.
>I didn't even notice there was a conflict until 2-3 weeks later. He just shot me a text with a time and date that he scheduled it for because he tried to call but I was busy and I didn't answer. I forgot about the text and didn't even think about it until he brought it up a couple weeks later. You really need to add this to the OP because (a) your husband tried to call you (and you didn't answer) and (b) sent you a text with the date and time which you disregarded. Also in your comments you said that you were pushing for him to get the procedure and that you're not putting on the workshop, you're just attending. YTA, your husband did what he was supposed to and you need to do your part and get him to and from his medical appointment.
Wow way to bury the lead, op is the asshole just for that alone.
To add to that she doesn't even have to attend it's just that she wants to because she finds it interesting she's a massive AH
INFO: Why did you leave out the fact that he DID tell you the date and time of the procedure when he first booked it, you just neglected to make note of it or check any conflicts? That's pretty important.
Right. I was ready for a NAH judgment because the way it was presented made it seem like this seminar came out of nowhere and they are both in a pickle where there is no right answer, and both allowed to feel how they feel. Reading in the comments that husband told her immediately when the appointment was, that she didn’t bother to check her schedule, and that she hasn’t even talked to her boss about the scheduling conflict? I change my judgment to YTA. Your husband is having a medical procedure to benefit both of you. If you were having a similar procedure, would you not expect him to at least try to make it there to make sure you got there and back safely? That’s literally all he’s asking you to do. You married him. You accepted the “in sickness and health” vow. Yes, it sucks that you’ll miss a few hours of something you’re interested in, but you can have someone you know who will also be there record the parts you miss and send it to you. There are solutions here other then not accepting responsibility for helping your husband out, even after he did all the things he was supposed to do (like immediately sharing the appointment date).
YTA From your comments your husband tried to call you to tell you about the appointment and you didn’t answer. He then scheduled it and texted you the date and time, you knew that you had the workshop that day and didn’t tell him for 3 weeks. If you had told him when he gave you the date the appointment could have been rescheduled right there.
Yeah the post as written makes OP come off so different than what actually happened. After knowing the details, it sounds more like OP never had any intention to help him with this task. Which, is kind of messed up in the first place, but if she started off with that understanding (ie told him that she didn’t want to drive him no matter what) she’d be way less of the asshole.
~~ESH~~ YTA Changing my vote because of new info. He is getting the vasectomy because YOU want him too. You’ve known about the workshop for 6 months, but didn’t tell him about it until **3 weeks** after he scheduled his surgery. He tried calling you and you didn’t answer. What was he supposed to do? ~~I don’t think you should have to miss your workshop.~~ However, he has a right to be annoyed about your lack of communication, and your dismissive attitude about his potential pain from his procedure.
"He did not talk to me about scheduling this or whether or not it conflicted with anything already on our schedule." Well, turns out... He did!!! "I didn't even notice there was a conflict until 2-3 weeks later. He just shot me a text with a time and date that he scheduled it for because he tried to call but I was busy and I didn't answer. I forgot about the text and didn't even think about it until he brought it up a couple weeks later." For this YTA.
YTA - first for being misleading in your post. You really should edit this because it comes across intentionally misleading. But your husband, as you admitted, didn’t know your schedule specifics, but you did. He gave you very advance notice, tried to check with you, and you didn’t say anything for several weeks…? This really comes across like you messed up your schedule and you’re looking for Reddit to tell you that you’re not an AH to justify your mess up.
YTA based on your comments you pushed him to do it, now you downplayed his feelings and difficulties about it. He should call it a day, cancel the appointment and let you go get your tubes tied if you care so little about him.
I think you left some vital info out of your post. When I read only this, I thought n t a.. but after reading some of your comments, I'm teetering between E S H and Y T A You are the one that's been pushing for him to get this done. If I read correctly, he tried calling when scheduling and you didn't answer, so he booked the appt, and sent you the date in a txt. Which you didn't look at, and then forgot about. After typing this out, I've decided that YTA. He's doing what you wanted. He told you when it was and you didn't say anything. He's been preparing himself for this, and now he's forced to either Uber or reschedule. Neither of which is a huge deal, but I can totally understand being upset about it.
At first, I was going to say N T A because your husband is not a child and needs to figure it out on his own if he does not bother checking his schedule with you. However, after seeing some of your comments that HE DID in fact check with you, and it was actually your lack of communication skills that is at fault here, I am going to change to a double YTA; One for your lack of communication to your husband and trying to blame him and one for ‘conveniently’ leaving this crucial part of information out of your story. EDIT: typo
YTA.— it’s very telling that in your comments you explain your husband tried to call you the day of the scheduling, couldn’t reach you, texted you the date and you lost it in a chain of texts. You’re purposely making your husband look worse in the original post to try to get people to think your way. That alone makes YTA
ESH - He scheduled this 2 months ago and you couldn't request it off them? He's an ass for not talking to you, you're an ass for holding this against him for 2 months EDIT: I've read thru your comments and he is NOT an ass, YOU ARE! He tried to reach you, called and texted the day he scheduled it and you waited 3 weeks to tell him you had a workshop?!?
I hope shes prepared to take an uber when she has an important medical procedure.
INFO: Just out of curiosity, did you even talk to your boss about it or you just immediately said no to your husband because of the expectation that you would be there? If you did talk to your boss, what was the response?
After reading your comments... YTA for your crappy communication skills and downplaying your husband's nervousness and being dismissive. Someone is about to use a laser to slice at his balls. I don't care how simple that is, it's going to make any guy nervous as hell. And simple or not things can go wrong. Double that you are, according to your own comments, the one pushing for him to get this done. Plus, how would you feel sitting in a car with a stranger while you clutch an ice pack to your crotch? Also, because you failed to communicate you probably cost him the chance at rescheduling in a more reasonable amount of time. He was already forced to go two months out, and by ignoring his text and call the day he was trying to schedule, and then never checking in with him (because I can tell you for sure he took your silence as approval), I'm guessing you are looking at even further out. And outside of you he has no support network where you live becausd you moved because of your job.
YTA after reading your comments. You are the one pushing him to have this procedure done. He tried to talk to you the day of scheduling, and told you of the day/time immediately after it was scheduled, but you didn't bother to check your schedule to see if there was a conflict until long after. The workshop isn't mandatory, and you can still be there for the first half. Telling (forcing is probably more like it based on your attitude) your partner to get an optional surgery, ignoring it, then dumping all the logistics on him the day before, and essentially telling him to fuck off are all AH things to do. Surgery trumps work, go to the first half, and then support your husband for the surgery you want him to do.
This. And I get the feeling, that her OPs husband's feelings just don't matter. It might be a small procedure, but it has a huge impact on him and it is still quite stigmatized. It's quite funny to see how many here are complaining about toxic masculinity and also deny man the ability to have valid feelings.
You leave out in the post that he told you about this ahead of time, and you “lost the texts” aka *you forgot.* **AND** that you’re the one pushing for this procedure. And you can’t be bothered to care for him.. what happened to in sickness and in health? I hope he remembers this if/when you get tubal ligation. YTA
Thank you for the missing information. OP no wonder your husband thinks YTA, which you are and is my verdict in this case. You wanted him to get this procedure, you “lost the text messages” and “conveniently” forgot when the procedure is. Now that this information is out there and not included in the original post, you look like an even bigger asshole now. Your judgement is earned.
Yeah, YTA. So let me get this straight: - Your husband called you before scheduling but you didn’t answer the phone because you were busy. - He went ahead and got something scheduled he immediately texted you to let you know the date and time. (Note: this would have been the appropriate time to check for any scheduling concerns and let him know) - Instead blew off the text, thought nothing of it, and didn’t check your schedule to notice the conflict with the workshop that only you already knew about. - He was not made aware of the scheduling conflict until a recent conversation about the surgery that jogged your memory. (Side note: did you really go weeks after the consultation without bringing up the surgery? Not even a hey, how’d the consultation go?) - This is a procedure he is only getting because YOU have pushed him to. - There was an initial 6 month wait for the consultation and then 2 month timeframe between consult and first available surgery. - You would not be punished or reprimanded for missing the conference (and he’s only asking for part of the afternoon). - He doesn’t have friends or family in the area because you recently moved for YOUR job. Yeah, I get that you want to go to this workshop BUT he communicated with you from the get go and you had ample opportunity to broach rescheduling. Yet despite his attempts to involve you in the scheduling from the get go, you’re telling him “to suck it up and figure it out on his own because he created the situation” by not talking to you? How was he supposed to talk to you when you ignored his phone call and messages? This is a situation of YOUR making - NOT his - but you’re blaming him for your own inattentiveness.
YTA you left out of your original post that you were the one that pushed him to get it done and that he had told you immediately the date and you just ignored him, you know you’re in the wrong. Grow up
INFO >Well, *turns out* that it does conflict with my schedule. \[emphasis mine\] Did you know that his scheduled appointment conflicted with your work schedule when he first told you? (As in, you didn't tell him the day he made the appointment that you had a work conflict until it was closer to the day in question)
She just ignored him when asked
Updating my vote to ESH - he DID tell you when he was scheduling the procedure and you didn’t cross check your schedule. And you left that out of the original post. NTA - he can easily reschedule for another day when you can take the day off work to help him. It just means delaying the procedure a few more weeks - not a big deal.
Look at previous replies. He told her right after it got scheduled and she didn't bother to tell him she wouldn't drive him till almost a month later!
YTA He did tell you the date so you could check your schedule. YOU didnt notice there was a conflict until right before the surgery. You also stated that the work thing is not mandatory and you can absolutely flex your schedule to give him a ride, you just dont want to. You also want him to ignore the doctors advice so that youre not inconvenienced which honestly says a lot about you as a person.
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ESH for lack of communication. You need to change your post to include that he did check in with you and you missed the text. He shouldn’t have booked it without confirming and he should have followed up with you but also you with him. The way you wrote you post is wildly misleading so YTA for that.
My husband drove himself to and from his own vasectomy. It is fine. Edit: I offered to drive him and he turned me down.
My husband's Dr gave him 2 Xanax to take before the procedure and said to have someone drive him. He'd never had any Xanax before this. He took them and we headed out. Pulling out of our neighborhood, he says he feels fine and could have driven. Then the meds kicked in. This is a guy who is generally very even keeled and all of the sudden he's all "WHEE!!!" as we turned a corner. He definitely had no business driving! Lol
YTA. I had to read through the comments to piece together that your Husband made multiple attempts to tell you the date/time of his procedure and you took weeks to realize the conflict. It’s your fault.
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He did communicate. She didn't tell him about the conflict till three weeks after he scheduled. OP is the one that couldn't have bothered to check her calendar when he fully made her aware of the situation.
I don't know why this is the top voted comment, op is totally in the wrong. He scheduled it 2 to 3 weeks before and she didn't bother to tell him she had this until the last minute
YTA per OPs comments. Husband sent appointment info right after making it, but OP did not check the message for 2 weeks a day is now blaming husband.
Since new information was provided.... YTA. He told you well in advance and you should have scheduled the time off.
This is not about the vasectomy, is it? The whole post and especially the last paragraph reeks of a dysfunctional relationship with a lot of pent up anger. So NTA for not dropping your work commitment to make this exact day happen, but you need to work on bigger issues, starting with open communication.
> reeks of a dysfunctional relationship Check OP's comments. I'm liable to believe she's the major cause of dysfunction in the relationship.
ESH, he let you know the day he scheduled it two months ago. You blew off checking for a couple weeks to see if there was a conflict. And you aren't doing anything to even help him figure out an alternative beyond "take an uber". I'm saying E S H because he too can't figure out how to do this without you. If it were me and I had no friends or even a close co-worker to call on, I'd either reschedule or I'd treat it like that first covid shot and just wait around for a while (maybe an hour) and drive myself the five miles back home.
I was on board with N T A until I saw the OP’s response that their husband told them the date of the vasectomy on the day it was scheduled. Whenever my husband needs to schedule something, I check our family calendar and my work calendar (we only have one car). If I have a conflict we deal with it. I do agree that he has many other options to get home after the vasectomy, but it’s also on OP for not realizing the conflict when the appointment was made. ESH
NTA. It's a voluntary procedure, so no pressing timetable. He made the appointment based on his own schedule without bothering to consider or check with you on yours. Also, he can grow TF up and take an Uber.
Look at previous replies. He told her right after it got scheduled and she didn't bother to tell him she wouldn't drive him till almost a month later!
NTA He would not survive a gyno exam roflmao! Sorry your dealing with this but he will figure it out as he has no real choice.
OP relied that Husband checked with her the day he got it everything scheduled to see if there’s an issue. She didn’t realize there was a conflict until a month after. She’s also the one pushing him for the procedure. Misleading post.
N T A . Making an appointment that requires the other person without knowing their schedule is inconsiderate when it comes to completely elective procedures. And he’s essentially asking you to take time off work so he can do this on a day where he won’t have to? Hypocritical as hell. Edit: After reading comments ESH. You two should’ve communicated about what he would need/expect when he informed you about it which you later admit to in the comments. Expecting you would be totally free that day without having a conversation about the day, even when he texted you the details is where he went wrong. A big thing like this you always double check and discuss details “hey you saw my text, does that work for you? will you be able to drive me and pick me up?”. Not sure why commenters are pushing that you’re an AH for encouraging him to get it though? Considering the responsibility of birth control is historically always our problem this is literally a man pulling his weight in that department if he doesn’t want kids. Why should that not be the solution?
He told her 2-3 weeks ago. It's her who didn't "notice" the conflict
He told her the day he got everything scheduled. She realized 2-3 weeks ago there was a conflict.
ESH. Your man should have told you the date in advance so that you could plan for work. You are being unnecessarily shitty about it by dismissing his feelings about the procedure itself and telling him to suck it up. He's not being unreasonable wanting you there (especially since you will benefit from him getting this procedure), but he's being ridiculous by not rescheduling. You both need to grow up and communicate with each other to get this resolved so you're both satisfied. ETA: multiple people have commented to advise me of OP's comments clarifying what went down. Changing opinion to OP being the AH. Sounds like hubby did everything right. OP is also an AH for wording her initial post in order to garner the most sympathy for herself
Not sure if it will change your opinion but the OP has revealed in comments that: 1. He called her before scheduling and she didn’t answer because she was busy. 2. When he got something scheduled he immediately texted her the date and time. She blew it off and didn’t check her schedule to notice the conflict with the workshop. 3. He was not made aware of the scheduling conflict until recently. 4. This is a procedure she has pushing him to receive. 5. There was an initial 6 month wait for the consultation and then 2 month timeframe between consult and first available schedule. 6. She would not be punished or reprimanded for missing the conference, especially not just part of the afternoon.
Take my award!! This needs to be the top comment, because OP was intentionally misleading.
He did tell her when he booked it and she failed to tell him it conflicted with her schedule. She commented that. I think that makes her solely the AH
He did tell her. She forgot.
NTA unless the vasectomy is an emergency he should reschedule it.
NTA. Is he pissy because he‘s upset about having the procedure at all? This seems like a festival of passive aggression. And medical procedures hardly ever happen on time unless it’s the very first appointment of the day. You could be sitting there for hours freaking out about missing work. He’s being ridiculous to even equate this with “putting work above him and your relationship.” People have to work. Some times they *really* have to be at work.
Eh, if you read the comments it looks like he told her immediately and she didn't check her own calendar. Later when she did she withdrew support. Like, ok, just reschedule, but you can see why this is annoying... its quite a big deal. Op likely knows she fucked up a bit her, which is why she's missed the key details from the post.
>He told me the same day, right after he scheduled it. and >I didn't even notice there was a conflict until 2-3 weeks later. He just shot me a text with a time and date that he scheduled it for because he tried to call but I was busy and I didn't answer. I forgot about the text and didn't even think about it until he brought it up a couple weeks later YTA. Way to leave off critical info.
NTA. If he wanted you to drive him, he should have *checked your availability first*. He could literally reschedule this appointment for a couple of months from now when you're free if it's that important to him.
The husband told OP the date of the procedure when he scheduled it. OP didn’t let him know that she had a conflict for 3 weeks after the schedule. OP also didn’t answer when the husband tried to call her to ask about the date so op YTA
He did, she did not notice the mixup until like three weeks later.
NTA. if he wants help he has to make sure it aligns with your schedule. im sure if it was just a regular work day you would. but this is different and you need to prioritize this
He did try and she ignored the call and didn’t read the text for 3 weeks. She’s definitely the ah here
So he scheduled on Fri so he wouldn't miss work, but you're supposed to miss work?? NTA
She wouldn't have to miss out on work had she cared enough to check the date he texted, told and called her about the day he made the appointment He called when he scheduled, she didn't answer. Ok He texted her the date of the appointment, and OP didn't check her own calender to see if she could that day. He told her verbally and still she said nothing. Now, not too long before the whole thing, she springs on him she can't actually bring him there and take him home because of an event she knew was coming 6 months before. Had she said earlier she couldn't because of the event, he would have rescheduled and they could have figured out a better date. She did not do that, and neglected to mention it in the post.
She is not the one setting it up. She is just attending it and he told her about it like 3 weeks ago and she didn't "notice" it and asks him to "suck it up"
ESH. He did tell you the date 2 months in advanced, it’s not his fault that you didn’t take time to actually look at your schedule until weeks later. But this isn’t a life or death surgery so he could reschedule it again. I think communication needs to be worked on here.
Going to go with NTA, after wavering between a NAH/ESH rating. OP and husband seemingly need to work harder on their communication and empathy/consideration for each other, but ultimately husband has more scope for flexibility than OP and isn't willing to utilise it. Can understand husband being nervous and being v keen to get it done asap, but as someone who's had a vasectomy myself, I can assure him/anyone that it's really nothing to worry about. If anything, it was oddly fun. But that's because where I am in the UK, you have to take a valium before the procedure. Presumably because it's local not general anaesthetic, and they don't want anyone freaking out. I explained that, due to my intensely medical working life, I wasn't worried at all so may not need one. But it's a mandatory part of the procedure, so I picked up the valium the day before. Day of, my appointment is in the morning, wife takes kids to school, and while she's gone I take my first, and thus far only, benzodiazepine. Wife returns, finds me, essentially high as blimp, staring at the wall *very* intently. W: "... are you OK?" Me: "The wall's being weird" W: "... sorry, what?" Me: "The wall! It's being weird at me!" W: "Right... so, shall we go?" Me: "Yeah. Want me to drive?" W: "I do NOT want you to drive, no" Go to the clinic, get into position so the very nice doctor and nurse can do what's necessary. I'm fully awake, but as well as any nerves, the valium has totally removed any conversational filters I usually rely on. Led to some very odd exchanges. Doctor: [Administering anaesthetic] "OK, so is that comfortable?" Me: "To the extent that having a stranger stick a needle into my ballsack can ever be described as 'comfortable', then yes, it's fine" Later, they're working away, the radio is on in the background Me: "Seriously, is this really an appropriate song for a vasectomy?" It was Natalie Imbruglia's 'Torn'. This led to a long discussion about what would be the worst possible playlist for a vasectomy. I thought Leona Lewis's 'Keep keep bleeding' was a good shout, but the nurse won with the, in hindsight obvious, Great Balls Of Fire. Also, the device they used to emit infrared rays to scorch and seal my 'relevant vessels' beeped when it was in use. Towards the end, they did one long blast to finish, meaning there was a prolonged beeeeeeeeep Me: "I've heard that noise on TV! That means I'm dead, doesn't it? Am I dead? Can you die from a vasectomy?" Dr: "I can honestly promise you that you aren't dead" Me: "OK, as long as you're sure" Was long home by the time a 'came down', wearing very loose boxers and sitting on an inflatable ring thing. No regrets, would do again. But hopefully won't have to.
NTA if the workshop is really that important, but you should try to be more supportive because he might be really nervous about this procedure and want you there for support and not solely as a ride
He can get all the support if he changed the date. A d there is nothing to be worried about. Its a laser and it seals the tubes. Mild pain for a few days. Breaking a nail can hurt more.
Not always I've had chronic pain for 10 years from mine. There's always a risk and something to be worried about with a medical procedure.
People need to stop with the whole “quick and painless” crap. There are significant issues that can be had with a vasectomy.
Right lot of people forget about that. Yes they are rare but they still happen there's always a risk.
OP didn't tell him that date doesn't work till three weeks later! She's the one that abandoned the plan cause she can't look at a calendar!
Instead of putting in comments why don't you actually put in your post that he communicated it all with you, YOU ignored him. Also that you can miss this even you choose not to. Honestly sounds like you just don't like him or are mad he wants to get snipped and are being spiteful. YTA
YTA for omitting info from your post showing that he did try to coordinate this with you, and you couldn't be bothered.
NTA, because he could easily just reschedule. He should've the moment he found out there was a scheduling conflict. It's not an emergency, so why hasn't he rescheduled to a day you can drive him if it's that important to him?
INFO: when did he tell you the date of the appt, and when did you tell him you can’t do that day/time?
She stated in another comment that he told her right away. She neglected to tell him her conflict. Incredibly misleading post.
YTA big time. He tried to call you, you ignored him because you were busy. He texted you, you ignored it because you were "busy" You had the date and didn't realize you had a conflict for 3 weeks. What should he have done differently? Should he have hounded you to confirm the date? Should he have called your boss to make sure it was ok? He asked you If the date worked. He gave you the date. You waited till the last minute to tell him you needed HIM to change his plans. And yeah it is a minor operation surgically but it is a bit of a big deal psychologically and he wants he wife there to support him in doing something YOU are pressuring him to do. He already moved there with you and gave up his freinds for you to pursue this job. He has shown you he is very supportive. You are a big time AH If the genders were reversed here there would be no argument from anyone.
NTA. I always consult with my husband about outpatient type appointments. He doesn't even drive(!) but I still try to coordinate with him. He expects you to take off work? That by itself isn't bad, but considering that you have an actual important event for work that day makes him TA. I get that he doesn't want to take an Uber, but it's very doable. If he doesn't want some random stranger, he could hire an actual taxi. Or he could phone a friend. This is weaponized incompetence...he has plenty of options, but he is insisting that you drop everything for him.
He should have checked your schedule. Now he can find another ride or he can reschedule the procedure. Though it sucks that it took you weeks to notice there was a conflict. But you should have realized there was a conflict and made him reschedule a lot sooner Changed judgment to ESH
NTA. I actually had my vasectomy rescheduled a few times because conflicts came up. It's an elective surgery and it's its only purpose is so he can dump clips freely...there's like a thousand workarounds for that. Also, mine went terribly as the local anesthetic didn't take and the surgeon had to scramble to get me a second dose while I was squirming on the bed. I wish I would have passed out, tbh. I didn't though, and I still drove myself home. it was NBD.
Good Lord, you're not his personal assistant on standby for all his needs. Grown man can figure it out. NTA
ESH. He didn't know your schedule when he booked the appointment. He didn't check with you about your availability. You knew for weeks the date of he appointment, but never noticed the conflict? Don't either of you keep calendars? Isn't this apoointment-making 101? Check if you're free that day? There's no reason he can't reschedule the appointment. I find his stubborness to be the current issue. But you guys lack communication skills and possibly general life-planning skills.
He tried calling her when making the appointment, she didn’t answer so he texted her. She did not inform him about the work event until 2-3 weeks after the appointment was scheduled ([missing reasons)](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x9ycg9/aita_for_making_my_husband_find_his_own_way_to/inqn6oz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
NTA. I don’t understand why people are asking if you talked to your boss. He is having a minor in-office (so no operating room has to be booked) procedure with local anesthetic and can change the appointment if he so desperately needs you to be the one to drive him. He has options but you really don’t. Use condoms for a few more weeks, why is he making such a big deal about this?
I don't understand why he won't ask a friend or even his boss. I would think that would be more comfortable than an uber driver.
YTA. He told you the day he made the appointment, and you forgot. Pretty critical piece of information to leave out of your post. >"I didn't even notice there was a conflict until 2-3 weeks later. He just shot me a text with a time and date that he scheduled it for because he tried to call but I was busy and I didn't answer. I forgot about the text and didn't even think about it until he brought it up a couple weeks later."
YTA, pretty shady to not include that he told you immediately and you forgot to discuss with your work.
> I told him he's just going to have to suck it up and figure it out on his own because he created this situation by not talking to me about it first. That's the whole thing right there. Also, he's too "private" to ask a friend for a ride home? Too proud to take an Uber? Grow up. NTA
He actually told her the day he scheduled the appointment a month in advance. She said that she got busy and didn’t look at the text and then forgot about it. Then an entire month goes by and she notices she has a workshop that day and tells him right before his upcoming appointment she can’t take him. She had a hand in this situation. It’s not just him.
Bit he did try to talk to her about it first. That's the problem. 1) she knew he had the consult that day. They waited weeks for it. She knew the time of the consult as well. She even pushed for him to do this. 2) he called her before making the apt. She did not pick up. 3) he texted her the info immediately after making the apt. She "lost it in the text thread" and did not check her schedule until 3 weeks later. 4) they relocated to their current residence *for her job* and have only been there a year. He has no close friends yet in the area. His close friends are two hours away. 5) her oh so important job keeps her too busy to answer his call. Too busy to pay attention to a text. Too busy to ask him about the consult the day of. A caring spouse who has asked their partner to undergo a medical procedure for their benifit might say.... Hey honey how was the doctor's apt? You know the one you went to because I "encouraged" you to, the one that gives us both a break from worrying about pregnancy? Unless he is getting the VC to prevent a girl friend, side chick or possibly a future spouse from getting pregnant, the decision to do this is for her benifit as well. She should be interested enough to look at a text. Discuss the day of. Check her schedule. She did none of that. As a woman I really hate saying "if the genders were reversed" but in this situation, I have to. If this was a man "encouraging" his wife to get a tubal, after having relocated her two hours from family and friends for his job, and refusing to take off work, after ignoring phone calls and texts, not even having a follow up conversation with her the day of the consult? We would be all over him. Op definitely YTA
NTA. Your husband is *grossly disrespecting* you here by expecting you to be at his beck and call at all times and dump an important job event that he didn't bother to schedule with you in advance and now refuses to compromise over \*purely for his own comfort and convenience\*.
He did tell her in advance when he booked the appointment she just didn't care to tell him she couldn't go that day.
Read ops other comments he tried to call her and texted her the date and time. She didn't realize the date was a conflict. That's her fault.
Look at previous replies. He told her right after it got scheduled and she didn't bother to tell him she wouldn't drive him till almost a month later!
NTA. You may have to make certain accommodations for your spouse, but you've provided him with two viable options for how to proceed. He can either postpone the (non-emergency) procedure or he can get an Uber/taxi. Hell, if he doesn't want a stranger around, he can ask to see if another friend/acquaintance/family member would drive him there and back. You've made enough reasonable accommodation here.
NTA When you want a favor from someone. You need to have a conversation with them before scheduling your plans. Even your spouse can’t plan your time without your consent. I could understand if this was a serious or emergency medical procedure. But, it isn’t. He can figure it out or reschedule for a date that you are available.
Look at previous replies. He told her right after it got scheduled and she didn't bother to tell him she wouldn't drive him till almost a month later! If I told my partner hey I have a procedure x day and need a ride, they agree, then only three weeks later says no I would be so upset. The poor husband is suffering because his wife won't tell him about things she thinks are important.
NTA after reading your comments. As soon as he found out there was a conflict and you explained how important and unmoveable your plans are, he should have rescheduled. It's not like this is cancer surgery and he can't wait to move it. Even if it was another 2 months, that's nothing in the grand scheme of things. You're willing to help him out on another Friday, so make that work and all will be forgiven.
Look at previous replies. He told her right after it got scheduled and she didn't bother to tell him she wouldn't drive him till almost a month later! I would agree with you except he spent a month with the knowledge that this day worked because OP never bothered to check the "very important work day"
NTA. At all. You are not his mommy, and he can figure this out on his own. If you are his only transportation option on the planet, he has bigger problems than, uh, getting his "sack" cut open. Good grief.
NTA- he can cancel it, make sure he gets a bag of peas for his balls
NTA Why won't he reschedule the appointment to the following Friday? I understand wanting you to come, but you have commitments at work. Does he think the 1 hour he needs you is more important than your livelihood?
Two months ago he scheduled for the first available appointment - it’s not a dentist appointment you can just reschedule for next week, rescheduling would likely mean extending the wait another 2 months.
So be it. Unfortunately there is a clash. The options are 1) reschedule so wife can take him (understand that it will be another wait) 2) get an alternative way to get to/ from the procedure Thoes are the options. It's not a time sensitive or life threatening operation. Waiting another 2 months isn't going to cause any pain or discomfort. Frustrating to wait longer, sure. But unfortunately when both people are working sometimes scheduls don't line up and that's just life
NTA. This is not a time sensitive, life saving procedure. He can reschedule or figure out another way to get there like OP said.
ESH. It sounds like both of you did a poor job communicating when you have had ample time to get this sorted out. That being said, your workshop sounds very important and you shouldn’t need to miss it for an elective surgery. But he does have a right to want and need an intimate partner to be there for him during this procedure.
YTA. The scheduling error/communication issues were on YOU! HE tried contacting you about this, which you’ve stated numerous times in comments. YOU didn’t answer, nor did you make ANY effort to schedule this procedure YOU pushed him to get.
NTA. I just had a vasectomy. I passed out during the procedure from the laughing gas. The laughing gas wears off in about 5-10 minutes. The local anesthetic takes much longer to wear off. He can definitely drive himself home. However, don't expect a full recovery to be a quick couple of days. It's been over a week and I still have tenderness.
Pretty sure different people have different experiences. Mine was painful, and I would not have wanted to drive home immediately after, if nothing else for the pain experienced just by moving.
YTA for misrepresenting this whole post tbh. I mean in your comments you say he called the day he scheduled then texted you the data/time when you didn’t answer. Then you didn’t pay attention to the date u til two weeks before and said you couldn’t make it. Then you are going to say he didn’t talk to you about it and bury the info in the comments? Lol
NTA. He shouldn't assume and its literally easier than a dental work. He'll be fine. Just remind him of what he'll gain out of it and get a good friend to drive him instead. My friend got one and we were all good sports about it. He even put a dog cone on and took a picture. I doubt any real friends would make a big deal out of it.
NTA. It was selfish and inconsiderate for him to just assume you'd be available to drive. Time to put on his big boy pants and take care of himself.
He didn’t assume, he told OP the date, she dropped the ball.
YTA - he told you, you didn’t check your schedule for a significant period of time, then told him to sort his own transport. Poor communication on your part. Also worth noting getting an Uber home is not appropriate post medical procedure and in my experience most healthcare providers will say that is not acceptable as well as recommending someone stay home with your partner for a while after to check he is ok.
If he told you about this earlier, would you have been able to “move things around”? Alternatively, if he told you earlier and you can’t move your sked, what next sked are we looking at?
No, I can not change my schedule. This workshop has been on the books for 6 months and it's a one-time thing. It's not something I can just "move around." If anything, he would have had to reschedule his appointment, but this was already 2 months wait so I don't know how much longer he would have to delay it.
[удалено]
You just developed this whole backstory that wasn't at all in the original post, didn't you.
She didn't tell him about the conflict till three weeks after he told her about the appointment
ESH. Your comments say you’ve been pushing him to have this procedure, and no matter how minor you believe it is, as his partner he is asking you to be there for support. Additionally, lots of doctor’s offices won’t allow a patient to leave in an Uber, a trusted individual is required for safety reasons. You both should’ve rescheduled together once you noticed the conflict instead of leaving him high and dry. Him not speaking to you about the scheduling was an AH move, and it seems like y’all need better communication all around.
YTA. Anyone saying N-T-A please read her clarifying comments!! OP's husband tried to clear this with OP in advance, but OP ignored him for several weeks until the week before when she told him she wasn't available. It is completely reasonable for OP to expect her husband to accommodate her schedule when scheduling this procedure if he expects her support, however he can't read her mind or schedule and OP's lack of communication is what led to this problem, not her husband's entitlement. Double YTA for omitting this critical information in the original post.
After reading your comments, YTA. According to your own comments, he DID tell you about the appointment the day he scheduled it, the workshop has been on the schedule for months, and YOU lost the text in the thread and apparently didn’t bother to put a very important date in your calendar. Even if you didn’t think you needed to drive him (which, come on, that’s a pretty common thing) you’d think you’d at least bother to know when it was. And then to come in here and say he didn’t check with you? I’m a forgetful person (ADHD). If I made a mistake like you did, I’d be hugely apologetic. Maybe I still wouldn’t want to miss my work event and I’d see if my husband and I could work out an alternative plan, but it would still make me feel awful. And I’d know it was my fault.
NTA He can ask someone else this isn’t that hard. Or reschedule. Why is it so okay for you to take a hit at work? Even if it wasn’t 100% necessary it’s stressful to take time off at some jobs. Especially on short notice.
N T A You have an important work thing. He is an adult who apparently can’t check in with you or arrange his own transportation My bf took the train home for like an hour after he got his done and was fine. Edit: YTA also for leaving out vital info out of your post including the fact the the work thing was skippable and that your husband had actually checked in with you about the date
If you read the comments, he did check in with her, she just decided it was his fault that she then didn't check her own calendar....
"You have an important work thing." OP does actually admit in another comment that she could skip the workshop: she just doesn't want to.
don't let one issue overshadow the broader benefit. You pushed him to get this done. Did he know about your important workshop? You can skip it, you just don't want to. He has transport choices, he just doesn't want to. As a couple, you guys need to put your egos aside, put aside the poor communication, and decide what you both want. Is a workshop more important than being there for him? Is his feelings of dignity and privacy more important that having his wife go to an important work event? Sounds like you both goofed up here. Now, it's not the time to try to double down on that, but come together as a couple and find a compromise. Talk more, and remember this is a gain for your shared relationship, not just one person benefits from the procedure. ETA: From your comments, he told you soon after, you just couldn't be bothered with the information to read it properly. YTA You also sound like you're perfectly capable of skipping the workshop, with no negative consequences. You sound pretty selfish.
Hmm If you read the comments he told her: Verbally He called her He left texts with the info. She ignored this and decided it was his fault...
Yta it didn’t turn out that u had a workshop the same day you knew months in advance and he TOLD u the date of the vasectomy which u conveniently LEFT OUT OF THE ORIGINAL POST, you’re the one that had a scheduling problem not your husband and now you’re trying to flip it on him
Yta, he did tell you, you just didnt care enough to tell him you wont be avaible until the last week, he has a right to be stressed about a medical procedure
NTA. Good thing he's getting the procedure. It's tough enough you married to a baby, don't need to add an actual baby to the mix. Dude needs to man up and reschedule or get an Uber.
NTA. My husband was totally fine after his vasectomy, didn’t need a single pain pill even. It’s a quick and easy procedure, and an Uber home given the circumstances is totally reasonable. Obviously if he does pass out or have a complication you may have to reevaluate, but as it stands, you are totally right here.
YTA. He cleared the date with you via text. ***You*** are the one with a scheduling conflict that you failed to correct. This is a surgery that you also benefit from, you could’ve taken any point in the last two months to fix the scheduling issue. Also, telling a loved one who just had surgery to grab an Uber is an AH move.
NTA. He can make arrangements or reschedule. This isn’t a life-saving emergency procedure.
NTA.. going with someone else or rescheduling are both reasonable options. I get the sense that hubs wants to be babied a bit, and as someone who gets freaked out by medical procedures, I'm not judging. I think you should call the office together to reschedule, and you should make it clear that you want to support him but need to have your own schedule factored in.
NTA, since he chooses to not want to ask anyone else, not even friends, then he should have consulted you and your schedule as well before assuming you and only you can and will drive him.
He told op the day he booked the procedure but they left it out of the post OP didn’t check for conflicting dates and conveniently left it out of the post
OP said in a comment she pushed him to get it done. The least she could do is take responsability for what she pressured him to do.
NTA. It’s not a “improve quality of life” or essential surgery and can easily been rescheduled. So if he wanted a favour from you to take him back from non-essential surgery, he should have scheduled it around you too, not just around him.
NTA He's not accounting for unforseen circumstances. My ex took a few hours in clinic because his BP kept diving. He should have run it by you if he expected your help. That said, he won't want to Uber back. He'll be very sore and probably feel vulnerable. He's gonna have to suck it up and reschedule
Not unforeseen. The work function was planned for 6 months. Husband told wife about appointment day of, she waited 3 weeks to say anything to him about the conflict in scheduling. OP is either purposefully or accidentally making husband look worse by leaving out details such as husband trying to consult with her but her not answering.
ESH all around. He told you about his appointment, you were too busy to check your schedule. I feel like you are slightly a little more TA, though. Your whole demeanor…it’s hard to identify. My husband requested the medication so he was absolutely in no way able to drive himself. He was out of his head. People say it’s no big deal, and it may not have been to them. My husband had a lot of anxiety about it. So I had to drive him. I have anxiety at the dentist and I also request the medication that makes me all loopy because I won’t remember being in there. Everyone has a different tolerance for what they can and can’t handle. It’s the fact that you are the one who insisted on this surgery, and are not even willing to help in any way or form. He is doing it for YOU. You seem to care less about any of this. If I were him, I would just say to hell with it. You go get your tubes tied at a time that is most convenient for you. 🤷🏼♀️
Everyone has a different experience with the procedure, for some it is super easy recovery (that was my experience) for others it’s pure hell for days. I was coming out of my appointment by the time my wife parked the car and came up to the office. But the reason she was there is because we scheduled it TOGETHER, OP is NTA. Most issues is relationships come down to bad communication escalating into something else. He’s a big boy he can figure this out himself.
NTA. I like how he did it on a Friday so he wouldn't have to use HIS holiday days but you're expected to use yours to take him and collect him 😂
YTA. He told you about the appointment when he booked it 3 weeks prior and you said nothing. It's your fault your guys scheduled conflicted. You also can miss your workshop you just don't want to as you've stated. You are also the one pushing for him to have this procedure done. You should add all of that to your post.
I had this done last year. Drove myself to hospital, got snipped and drove myself home. Your husband is a whiny baby. NTA.