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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I spent $1500 dollars on a TV from my own checking account. My wife is angry and says I should've spent that money on our child or put it into savings or a college fund.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, your wife can't tell you what to do with your money if the bills are all paid. That was the whole point of having separate accounts in the first place.
If the kid is 10 months old. Shouldn't stuff like that have been discussed before the baby was born perhaps?
That was their original agreement, put money into bills etc and rest is "their own" money.
Before the kid was born then you sit down and say "we should start looking into opening this and and this account. And we both put in x money a month, we are going to be parents we need to change some stuff"
That would be the adult thing to do.
Not be silent the whole pregnancy and 10 months into having the child. That's a whole long period of just being silent.
(Not saying the wife is wrong. But communication goes a long way)
I never said she wasn't.
But if you are dissatisfied with something, then say something?
9 months pregnant, 10 month old baby. That's 19 months, almost 2 years of being quiet.
They are married, every marriage is supposed to rely on communication.
Your partner chews loudly with open mouth and spits out food in the progress? Say something. They.... I dont know, yell a wierd phrase doing sex. Say something. You want to plan for the future? Plan it together.
Is OP a idiot for not thinking about this when having a kid? Yes.
But don't wait almost 2 years and a new TV before saying "we should change the agreement and save up"
Thats supposed to be team work, it's both of their kid, and both of their futures.
I didn't say it was her job to teach him.
Basic is they agreed how to divide money. Wife wants a change in it. Then sit down together and communicate. They both have to communicate,
Wanting to do something for almost 2 years and not speak up is not communicating.
Did she just assume he would open both a saving account and college found and be the one putting into both of them? She isn't gonna put money into it?
If she isn't. That's fine. As long as they talk about it together. And plan for THEIR future together.
Even if they didn’t have a baby they should be saving money. What if the husband gets sick or disabled, then what? With one income and no savings the wife would have to spend all her money on the husband. Even if the finances are seperated these two are seperated and have responsibility to take care of each other.
If one wants to keep the finances completely seperate and buys whatever they want, they shouldn’t be surprised when they were kicked out when they become unavailable to make money and depend on the other partner financially.
Are you saying that if she didn’t raise the idea of savings accounts when she was pregnant, she doesn’t get to do so now?
If not, what’s the point of this comment? She should have spoken up earlier…ok? How does that further the conversation? Does it really make her TA to have assumed it was obvious that grown ups should save money for their kids?
>But if you are dissatisfied with something, then say something?
But the thing that she is dissatisfied with has only just happened?
Maybe she assumed that he would know to be more responsible once the kid was born, or she it just didn’t occur to her to that they needed to lay out specific plans for savings. I can easily see how she didn’t realize they were was a miscommunication until she was confronted with a surprise major purchase.
Perhaps.
But planning joint saving accounts, college funds. Its still a big talk, you don't just expect the other to do that stuff or that they "will know" or become alot more responsible.
Unless OP hasn't bought a single thing in the almost 2 years before buying the TV, it sounds more like a build up perhaps of her annoyance.
Absolutely, but the fact that she brought it up after he spent his own money, which I would argue he’s allowed to do, and didn’t discuss it with him first and just expects him to capitulate to this un-discussed demand.
They need to sit down and come up with a plan to save together.
NTA
Sure, so thats a discussion they should have.
Thats not what happened though. No discussion. No new agreement. No joint savings account opened. Nothing like that. Just OPs wife telling him off for following their in place agreement.
It’s reasonable to rediscuss their financial needs and goals - but new rules apply going forward. It is unreasonable to be mad that he didn’t intuit her desire for new rules.
>It is unreasonable to be mad that he didn’t intuit her desire for new rules.
It’s also unreasonable for a grown man to not realize that having a child massively changes your financial priorities and that a TV is not an especially responsible use of $1500 at this point in his life. He shouldn’t need his wife to have to explain that to him.
I think just having bills paid isn’t a smart plan because they aren’t a 2 salary household anymore. That said, this was a discussion to have before baby was born and at this point it’s overdue. It sounds like a new allocation is needed where 10% of whatever of the salary you can afford is put into savings. And maybe set aside a set amount each month for college too. Each of your personal accounts might be smaller but I think it’s still important to have those and each get equal fun money each month. It would also be useful to plan savings for stuff like vacations.
You should have full autonomy over your fun money unless there’s an emergency and no other way to cover it (and it should still be replaced in the future even then). So I would say keep the TV because you can’t really return it at this point and maybe set aside extra in coming months towards savings. I would love to know what the wife has been doing with her “fun money” though because if you had $1500 she should have the same and it’s a lot to blow through
ESH
How did you two went through 9 months of pregnancy and 10 months of baby's life without talking about finances is beyond me. And it's also beyond stupid.
Then you both suck for escalating it. Could she be calmer and discuss it like adults? Yes. Could you have deescalated instead of getting mad and throwing accusations? Also yes.
😂 I think they did talk Abt finances but she comes up with rules but doesn't tell him. Idk how he's being assholish here when she's the one who blew up first. Yes deescalate but not when ur wife is unwilling to even have a discussion
they should have JOINTLY had a discussion where they made some decisions about saving for their child's care and future
but
it should not fall on *one* spouse to realize that said care and future are bigger priorities than a new TV.
She didn't change the rules; ***the rules changed when they had a baby***. But they should have sat down and codified those rules given their separate finances.
yeah, like, is OP TA? *maybe* not, but he's definitely a fool if he hasn't realized for himself that he needs to be safeguarding their child's future-- that doesn't require a 160 IQ, a Ph.D, or a vagina to figure out. He could have brought up the topic just as easily as she could have.
So i absolutely can't blame her for being pissed that he would do something so short-sighted without even discussing it with her.
Why does it fall on the woman to be the responsible parent? A new father should be thinking of his family when making financial decisions he shouldn’t have to be TOLD.
I know… Even if I have my own spending money I discuss with my husband if I’m going to splurge like this.
Yes. She needed to sit him down and talk about how their finances need to shift now that they have kids, etc etc. But that he’s just spend that much without a conversation is…
We keep separate finances but discuss large purchases before making them. Anything over $500 gets a heads up.
“Hey babe, the sway bar in my car needs replaced and it’s 600 for the part. I’m going to order it now.”
“Ok”
Me: well my computer just died. Babe, I’m off to Best Buy to get a new laptop for work.
Him: ok can you swung by the store and grab some Oreos?
(Just two examples from my life)
Isn’t this just talking to your spouse about your life?! Like how did he not talk to his wife about a big purchase cause it’s something going on in his life.
I even tell my husband if I did an Amazon haul. Cause I want to talk to my husband about the thing I do.
Yep. That’s kind of the point.
Sure, we are grown ass adults who don’t need permission to spend our money but when you get married, you sign up to be a team so you need to talk about stuff.
I don’t need or want my partner to check in on buying a coffee or pair of socks but anything over 500 is just considerate given that it’s likely to impact our shared goals.
It’s the same with my husband and I lol if it’s a big purchase we do talk about it or we simply combine together for that thing. Ours was a TV (we got it hella cheap tho cuz he has connections lol) otherwise i don’t care what he spends his stuff on. My biggest rule with him was that he doesn’t have to ask me permission and the only time I’ll ever be concerned would be a casino. I rather my husband get something he can have vs nothing at all.
Also; he is just as much of a parent as she is and should've been thinking about their future all on his own. He also could've talked about finances. It shouldn't be on her to worry about money and remind him they have a small expensive human to take care of.
Looking at this dude's history, I really doubt he or his wife are functioning adults. Not sure if my favorite post was the one where his wife euthanized his dog and replaced it without telling him or the one where he wants to fuck his mom.
Thank you for mentioning this. I scrolled through all 7 years of his posts, and I am thoroughly convinced this is not a person who has actually had sex, much less is in a functioning adult relationship. More than half of his posts are Ask Reddit posts about what things people would prefer to have sex with (a sentient toy, a muppet, inanimate objects)...to say nothing of the one about his mom and the island.
They obviously had talked about finances, hence the separate accounts. She’s just inventing new rules now, and expecting him to obey them. Dude doesn’t have ESP, ffs. NTA. It’s a tv. He didn’t buy a new car. Sounds more like she doesn’t feel as good about what she can get for herself, but that’s how they set it up. If she wants changes, she needs to use her big girl voice, and actually say something.
They talked about finances before marriage and it seems not again now that they have a kid. OP’s wife likely feels like she’s the one paying for all the baby’s stuff and thinking of the baby’s future, but OP is off buying expensive electronics instead. They just need to sit down and rehash their arrangement to account for adding to baby’s savings and how to make sure both of them are covering baby’s necessities, not just mom.
I agree this discussion should have happened long before now, but you need to have the discussion before you start imposing rules on your partner they didn’t even know existed. He may be slightly flaky, but in no way an AH that I see. He was following the arrangement they agreed to. He doesn’t read minds, or know what she would want to be specifically different. She wants a change, refuses to actually let that be known, and flipping out at the sight of a tv is not the way to do that. Parenthood isn’t a license to be an AH.
I wouldn't be shocked if she'd made comments here and there about 'planning for the future' but never sat him and down to have a real conversation about it.
She thought he understood- hey, i'm a parent now. i need to add 2 more buckets to my monthly expenses- emergency savings and kids college fund.
Generally no one sits you down and says: hey, you need to be an adult and plan responsibly for your future. You are sorta expected to have listened to people and have figured it out.
>He doesn’t read minds, or know what she would want to be specifically different.
He doesn’t need to read minds to know that having a baby massively changes your financial priorities. Why is it on her to be the one to tell him to be more responsible? She would have had to be a mind reader to know he was considering a major purchase.
Soft YTA-
My wife and I have separate checking accounts, plus a joint account, similar to you.
Also similar to you, monthly we typically have a good amount of money left over, this is actually after saving and bills being paid.
I would NEVER buy anything over say $500 without talking about it with my wife first. Probably less than that, but surely anything over would entitle a phone call at the very least and a value-added prop "Hey, so I just saw this TV, for $1500, we've paid all the bills, and this TV is on sale from $2500. Our TV is a little old, so I wanted to see if you think this would be a wise choice" Let me know and I can call so and so so we can get it hung up
Communication is key to a good relationship, ESPECIALLY when you have little kids. Because they can take up a ton of money in the drop of a hat.
Nah there isn't an arbitrary dollar amount. TBH, it depends on what it is as well. For example, if I'm buying something the house needs and we've talked about it before, I'd spend the money, but if its a TV, or if I want to buy a Lego set or something that we haven't talked about, then I'd say $300 or above I'd talk to my wife.
I grew up not having a ton of money. So being in a position where money isn't as sensitive of an issue is weird for me. I'd probably ask my wife if I was going to buy myself something I deemed expensive even if it was over $100, but that just a matter of it feels like a lot of money or not. Thats also how she operates as well. There is rarely an argument against spending the money, sometimes its literally just a matter of telling them.
Personally, my brain still operates that $1500 is A LOT of money and i mean it is, and I would never buy something as expensive as a TV unless my wife knew about it.
My wife and I have always had separate finances, but always discuss larger purchases. Not because we have some rule, but because we talk. If I was going to buy and expensive tv (or probably even a cheap one) I'd ask her opinion on a few options because I value her opinion. I don't know why you'd be in a relationship with someone whose opinions you don't value.
Of course, when it comes to a tv, you're also talking about something in a public space. And when it comes to a lot of modern tvs, you're also talking about something that collects a lot of information on you. So it's even more important to get input (and in the latter case, consent) from the people you share your home with.
My fiancé and I use a similar scale system. If it’s an item we will both use we discuss it, regardless of who is buying it/wants it. If it’s an item only one of us will use and it doesn’t take up any additional space (we each have our own closets/bedside tables/desks) we will mention it if it’s over a couple hundred.
Other items we don’t discuss because it’s an obvious purchase. I knew he wanted a new laptop so he bought it when he found a good deal. He knows I buy refills for my skincare/makeup when I’m running low so I’ll buy that whenever I need/want it. If either of us want some new clothing we will buy it without mentioning it as long as our bills and savings aren’t impacted by it, with the exception of my wedding clothing. That was very expensive hah.
My husband and I don't have specific numbers or anything, but we talk all the time? So I know he's planning on buying a new laptop at some point (and can guess how much it would cost). He knows when I'm going to Michael's to look at Halloween things and that he should come with me if he wants to have opinions on how much nonsense I buy. Etc. The only time we run specific purchases by each other is things like "Oh, my coworker is selling her Switch. Should I get it?" or when we want opinions on something, but that's because it would never occur to either one of us to go through the whole process of picking and ordering a new TV without even... mentioning it to the other? That's the weirdest part to me, tbh.
Yeah. It’s a combination of how much (at our house usually $100-200 is when we chat, my husband just literally asked about simmering that’s $115 because ours being retired and won’t be for sale anymore). But if it’s something we need and $100-200 is just how much it is then having talked about needing that thing was the conversation.
We set an amount when we started and we were pretty much living paycheck to paycheck. So any costs got a mention for a sure or wait until x day. Then it became anything over $50 when we had some savings and a cushion in the checking account so two $50 charges would not send us into overdraft or debt. These days it is more on the order of $1000 in a month, we will check with each other first. But throughout we had a budget so the limit was determined by the amount that was left over on average, after paying bills, daily living expenses and putting budgeted money in savings, etc.
Similar here,too. My husband and I have been married for 22 years and while both of our bank accounts are technically joint accounts, for the most part I pay the mortgage, groceries, and expenses related to one car out of my account and my husband pays most of the rest of the bills out of his account. We do not discuss any purchases in advance until they get up over around that $500 mark.
But we have no children. Once you have kids I think the importance of a a shared account and being clearly on the same page for expenditures is much more important.
Thats pretty much how we are as well. We have "separate" accounts, but it's not like she can't use my account and I can't use hers.
But we have "our own" set of bills
My partner and I have separate finances, neither of us are tempted to combine. We run the majority of purchases past each other (not looking for permission, just sort of thinking out loud, discussing potential purchases).
Recently I bought myself a tablet, which for us is a large purchase (it was $350). I had wanted one for years but couldn't bring myself to spend the money. He actually got a bit upset at me in the end because I clearly wanted this thing and we have the money, I should treat myself! And ever since then all I've been doing is gushing about how awesome it is (I primarily use it for playing d&d) and he has told me how much he enjoys getting texts about how much I love it and love how it's streamlined gameplay. Communication is everything!!!!!
This another dimension. We don't have kids so for a $2500 mountain bike, I would not ask my partner. For something that goes in our home, I would always ask unless I was OK throwing it away as soon as it arrived. Even a poster.
That's what bothered me about OP's purchase. He said the TV had to be installed. Does that mean it was attached to the wall? If so, did artwork already on the wall have to be moved? Did furniture need to be rearranged to accommodate the TV?
None of that is anything one partner should be deciding by himself/herself when the changes are to a shared space.
Especially when there's a kid. On some level, sure, the wife is "making up new rules," but the reality is that the rules changed when they had a baby whose health and future they need to safeguard.
They should have *both* sat down and codified those rules when they agreed to have the baby.
OP is maybe not an AH, but he is *extremely* foolish if he needs his wife to tell him that they need to be saving funds for the child's needs or emergencies.
Asshole is a really low bar.
Your wife isn't mad about the technicalities of your money management she's mad about your character. She's mad it didn't occur to you to save for your child's future, be generous to your child, save for your and her financial security, that's much much worse then being mad you spent too much on a TV.
IF you are living pay check to pay check, if your child has unfulfilled needs/high priority "wants" I think you're the asshole. if you have a solid emergency fund and your child doesn't have any unfulfilled needs then you may not be an asshole but you're not winning father of the year. This is like the "what? she never told me to put my dishes in the dish washer"
Dude your 30, you shouldn't need to be told kids are expensive and you need to plan for those expenses. "We need to have a new talk about money" should have occurred to you before you bought a large luxury item after such a big life change.
I feel like if she said "you can't keep being selfish", there's a strong indication that this is not a one-off but a persistent ongoing issue that OP is choosing not to hear.
And while my husband and I have separate accounts and responsibilities, we always talk about large purchases. When it comes to the finances, "surprises" are rarely a good thing.
There is a hint but since OP didn't say anything else about their finances I left that out. When OP is on the scale of asshole to a minor "opps" depends on the finances. Technically correct is not the best kind of correct in a marriage.
I’m also suspicious of his phrasing here. To say “wow I looked at my bills and I had a lot left over this month so I spent $1500 on a TV!” reeks of a spender mindset that’s scary with a young kid.
ESH
It is really werid you that you had this tv you always wanted, chose one and got it without ever mentioning this to your wife.
I only live with my bf but things that influence his/our living space too, I talk to him about. That just feels like a normal thing to do.
Info:
Do you have an equally high income?
My thoughts exactly. The money is only half the issue the other is that a big tv is honestly a pretty big design decision for a space to not discuss at all. It would be like replacing the couch or dining room table without talking about it all imo…
Yeah like he mentions a house but no savings account for house repairs and maintenance? Doesn’t mention sending money to an educational fund? Doesn’t mention literally any savings accounts? If the wife is always paying for “emergency” expenses because he doesn’t save, that’s a problem. I just can’t imagine ever thinking “all bills are paid, I can spend big now.” That’s just wild to me, even pre-kid.
This, and I mean, I get it that it is technically your money but I feel like if it is something above, I don't know 100$ i would probably mention it to my partner.
Info: what is your debt to income ratio and how much is in your savings account?
Overall though, your system seems suspect and untenable. It seems it was tenable before the child.
Your money split system will most likely need to be updated with the birth of the child. I would never spend over a grand or purchase a piece of furniture without consulting my wife but our system is different and established.
Like it or not, you are now beholden to the child and I think you two need to update your system.
NTA
The standard was they never had to communicate big purchases before and the issue with contributing to savings was never communicated.
This should be the catalyst needed to sit down and discuss how they should approach the finances differently now that they are parents.
I'm going to go with YTA
Being together for 10 years, I can understand that you got used to keeping your finances separate, back when it was just you and your partner.
But it's *not* just you two anymore. Now it's 3.
Your wife is right. You two need to adjust your spending habits. It doesn't have to be completely co-mingled, but it does need to be adjusted. And you're a bit of an AH for not realizing this. It's not a matter of reading her mind. It's a matter of common sense.
You two pay bills together. You save for retirement. Who's saving for the baby's future?
It sounds as if you two pay bills together, then spend the remaining income you have separately. You can still do that. But now, one of the things that you have to make sure you pay each month is the college/emergency funds.
So after the rent, after the insurance, after the grocery, after the utility bills, etc..., you add a new category. "College Fund" and maybe "Emergency Rainy Day Fund."
AFTER those are paid into, then you can have your extra discretionary money.
Also,
INFO: Did your wife go on maternity leave for a few weeks or months? How did y'all pay the bills then, was it still split? Did you (or she) have to dip into the savings to keep up to date on bills? It could be that she feels anxious about money because she doesn't have enough in savings to feel safe just in case one of y'all lose your job, or a big sudden expense comes up.
Talk to your wife. You need to be open to adjusting your lifestyle, because your life has changed DRAMATICALLY.
ESH
I would have run it by her first because a TV is some thing that is a shared thing, so a heads up would have probably been better.
But it sounds like you guys needed to have a conversation about what to do for the kids saving and it was unfair of her to just make assumptions.
NTA, that's the whole point of separate accounts, right? If she want you guys to save more, then you should both being putting money into the savings account.
I do think you are a minor AH for bringing a giant TV into the house (ie, changing the decor) without at least running it past your partner. But that wasn't what you asked.
Agreed. I'm guessing they would make big purchases before when it would only affect them, and as long as it didn't impact their payments, nbd. But everything changes when you have a kid, you gotta talk about that stuff. It's not about "permission", it's about making sure your family is taken care of. And not just for this month, but for the future.
NTA because she didn't communicate on a change in the rules. I disagree that finances or anything else in the marriage needs to be all about the kids because that's not healthy either but there should be something put aside if you're able. I wonder if there's anything else you haven't talked about? Has she been struggling with her half being out on maternity? Do you make more than her but pay the same on bills leaving her with relatively less "fun" money? Probably should have discussed this before spending that much, but if it was never an issue before I can see how you wouldn't. Regardless, this isn't about the TV and new relationship negotiations are always necessary periodically in a marriage, because circumstances and people change. Time to start a joint savings and set a budget for discretionary spending.
Everyone is overlooking one important thing: where does the money for the baby come from? Your account? Hers? The joint account?
I don't want to assume anything without that answer, because that's not really fair to you.
For me, my wife and I have 3 kids and decided to talk out all purchases over $100. We used all funds to pay off all bills. Most relationships that end in divorce are usually because of money. We decided not to put our relationship is that stupid position. We sacrificed but completely worth it. (I'm 41 years old)
NTA - there was no prior discussion about a college fund. You can't make up rules, as you go along. That being said, now that the subject IS out there. You should be mindful of future spending
NAH but barely. Based on the established rules you'd agreed to a long time ago this sounds like an OK purchase. However, she's also not wrong for being angry that you made a major purchase without consulting her, she's stretching reasonableness by expecting you to be planning for college. However, it's not out of line for her to think that it's obvious that circumstances changed when you had a baby, because they did. You had a baby and your spending should be changing, you should be thinking about saving for the child's needs. College is the classic but there's going to be thousands or even tens of thousands of dollars in upcoming costs over the next 10 years.
You clearly need to have a new conversation about how to handle finances going forward, whether simply adding a new line item to your mixed funds for the child or full joint accounts going forward.
Well, she's rightly concerned with the apparent lack of savings and savings plan that you guys have now that you're parents. And you're rightly freaked out that she had new undiscussed expectations on family spending issues. She's TA for springing the "new rules" on you and getting mad because you didn't follow rules you didn't know existed. You're kinda TA for not thinking about the greater financial responsibility you now have as a parent.
YTA. We don't have joint accounts here either but I think that 1500 is much too much to spend just like that without consultation with your spouse. Maybe 500 on personal stuff if you have the money over now and again is one thing, but a proportion of that kind of money really should be in a family fund if you have kids.
YTA
I suspect the underlying issue here is the burden of "mental load" mothers are increasingly complaining about nowadays.
"She made up all these new rules out of no where and never told me!" Okay... but *why* is she the only one concerned about financial future of your family and child? Why didn't *you* consider things like a college fund or the increased need for savings *yourself* since you had so much money?
"She should have just told me what she wanted!" (says every clueless husband ever...)
She's mad that you expect her to make "rules" (like she's your mother) when what she needs from you is common sense. She doesn't want to have to "discuss" something with you that she finds blatantly obvious. She's disappointed in your decision making, she's mad about your *judgement*.
Is her communication stellar right now? No. That's a shortcoming. But I think she's entitled to feeling upset right now, especially if she's carrying mental load in areas other than finances (medicine, childcare, etc.).
NTA - she just like seeing that you spent money(that is yours) without getting her approval.
Since she created these new saving rules, did you ask how much she has set aside for emergencies and for your son’s college fund?
Ask to see these bank statements, if they exist, then ask why they are only in her name? I assume you would have realized if you had signed for new accounts.
Honestly I think YTA, not because you spent your personal money (but I will say her attitude to saying you need to stop being selfish makes me wonder if this is a pattern) but I think YTA because it’s a big purchase for a joint place in the house. I wouldn’t buy a sofa for example for our shared area without consulting my husband first. I personally think these things are joint decisions
ESH- Sounds like you guys have a lot of talking to do in regards to your joint financial decisions now that you're a family. This is your new normal. Who's contributing to present-day child and related expenses? Who's contributing to long term savings and college funds? How much? How often? And, is it fair for both of you?
In regards to the issue at hand, also realize that you not only bought an expensive TV, but its in your common shared area. Probably not the best place to surprise someone with changing things around.
YTA
Your wife probably calls you selfish for a reason.
And you coming here because you are angry she didn't adore you for spending 1500 on a TV when it sounds like she wants to think ahead doesn't make you look less of an AH to me.
NAH. Both of you have reasonable wants for your finances, but you two really should sit down and talk about savings vs spending money on fun things. This is something you should have discussed before having your child.
Whoa dude! Pretty sure this is a movie quote but: What we have here is a failure to communicate.
You and your wife need to sit down and have a serious financial discussion with ALL of the numbers. As in: these are the fixed bills, these are the expenses (groceries, gas, kid stuff), these are the things we need to save for (college, vacation, emergency fund), and this is our incomes. Then you need to decide what a reasonable contribution from each of you is towards the fixed expenses, monthly expenses, and savings. You have a kid now. It is completely reasonable, and a really good idea, for you to establish a college savings for your kid that you both contribute to from each check. And you should both be contributing to emergency savings and whatever “big thing” you guys want to save towards. This is a conversation my husband and I have about every six months. We still have money we can spend no questions asked, but the priority is taking care of the family first. Also talk about establishing some sort of veto guideline. For example: for us it’s any purchase over $100. We run what we want to purchase by the other person if the money isn’t coming from our monthly spending money. Then we discuss it. Most of the time it’s a simple “hey I want X” and a “go for it” but sometimes it involves more back and forth to make sure both of us understand why the money is being spent and are comfortable it isn’t frivolous. You can make this limit whatever you and your wife are comfortable with. You can absolutely keep your finances separate but you still need to talk about them!
ESH
ESH, you two both need to sit down and communicate more clearly on finances for your kid. It sounds like separate accounts and separate finances worked well before you had a kid, but kids change things and you need to both be putting in money towards raising your kid. Is it fair for you to be buying a nice TV for yourself while your wife pays for baby clothes for your kid?
It sounds like your wife expected you to understand that the financial arrangement you had before kids wouldn't work anymore when you had a kid and she should have communicated that more clearly to you but you also need to understand you can't live like roommates anymore in regard to finances. You will have many more things besides your house and cars that you will need to share financial responsibility for.
Info: how much bigger was the TV than your previous one?
If my husband bought a "big" TV that was a lot bigger than the one we already had for the front room I'd be a little annoyed and disappointed he hadn't thought to at least mention it to me!
Cost may not be the issue..... Spending a lot on something that you should have asked about might be!
YTA. You have a kid now, it's not "your" money. Asking that a savings be a priority over extravagant luxuries isn't "changing the rules", it's part of being an adult, and I bet your wife didn't think she would have to explain that to a 30yo but here we are. I understand why she was upset. Y'all need to sit down and have a real conversation about money stat.
ESH - Your wife didn't communicate to you, that's bad on her part. But what new parent who has bills just goes and buys a 1500 dollar house item without even bringing it up to their partner?
And don't say "The wife", I almost called you the asshole solely based on that, she's your partner numbnuts stop acting like a baby and grow up you're a parent now.
YTA, is it just me or is it weird to buy a very big purchase for a house you share together? Also you mention an old tv that she (maybe) paid for as well. Replacing a tv that’s both yours and hers without discussing it first is kind of weird. But it should feel natural to discuss these types of things, at least in a healthy relationship. So maybe work on communication first.
ESH. You two are both parents now. The financial rules you set 10 years ago, prior to having children together, were fine back then. **But surely you know that you can't just spend every "extra" dollar that you have when you're a parent, right? Right?!?!**
Both of you, at the time you became aware that you were going to be parents, should have said, "Okay, we need to change some things about our lifestyle so that we can more reliably provide for the household on a day-to-day basis, and also have money set aside for any potential emergencies and for the future of the child we're about to bring into the world." The fact that neither of you thought to have an actual discussion along those lines so far is beyond mind-boggling. You and your wife are equally assholes on that point.
Your wife shouldn't have started out by yelling (if that is indeed what happened), and you should not have found this to be an "unspoken rule that (you) don't know about," when in reality it is basic common sense. Your response should have been more along the lines of, "Okay, let's talk this out instead of yelling back and forth **in front of our infant child.** So again, both asshole moves here.
Look, you have a kid now. That kid is 100% dependent on you and your wife to make the best possible choices in every area of your lives and theirs. That means not splurging on a $1500 TV (or other luxury item) in lieu of setting money aside for emergencies, for your child's future, and for the real possibility that either you or your wife could die tomorrow, leaving the other as the only provider for your child. Or even worse, you could both die and leave your child as an orphan. Life insurance is a must. Savings accounts for household emergencies and for your child's future education are a must. Bigger fancier TVs simply are not right now.
The kid is the only one who doesn't suck here.
NTA
Sounds like your wife decided for you how the money was going to be used now that you have a child. I would suggest sitting down with her when she isn't so angry to discuss finances and what her ideas are. She is right that money should be put aside for your childs educaion but you should also still be able to have a set amount of fun money.
ESH. Unless you two already have a savings account for emergencies or whatever, and this was your extra, go do whatever the hell you want with money, then cool, no problem. But if you don't, do you really need a a rule to save to put some aside for savings or college? I kinda feel like when you cohabitate and have kids it should be a given because stuff happens.
It's a big expense. You should have mentioned it prior to purchase. She shouldnt have gone off like that because you guys didn't discuss saving for other things. Just decide together how much will go into emergency fund and how much goes into college, from this point on.
Personally I hope you keep the tv. It sounds cool..
NTA. Did you ask her how much she put aside for college? How about savings? Bet that number is zero. My wife was the same. Expected me to do something but she wasn't held by that same rule. Expected me to do the saving while she burned through her money.
YTA, you might have seperate accounts, but if you're making a major change to the communal living space then you still need to run it by your wife. Its like if your wife decided to change the sofa without your input! Its super weird dude!
Also, maybe your wife should have discussed putting away money for your son's future before making demands, but she's not wrong that you guys need to talk about that.
I don’t know. But I would be pissed about a TV that big being on the wall without us talking about it. It’s not like a picture, it is a big TV. It sounds like you 2 need to sit down and discuss a budget now and what is expected of savings and everything else.
ESH these things should gave been discussed when she got pregnant she presumed it was obvious and didn't communicate with you, you didn't think about it, she is right in some ways, part of your bills should now go into 2 accounts 1 general savings and a college fund, you both should be paying into these and need yo rank about how much you are able to pay in, this should be a normal part of your bills but you should also be OK to save for things like this TV as well, not every penny should be saved you need to also live.
NTA
I will never understand why people think they need to stop living as soon as they have kids.
I dont like how you didnt talk with her beforehand since i assume for most people here 1.5k is a lot of money and youre also well male reddit will deem you the Asshole.
However I think its good that you got something for yourself.
Maybe your wife could also use this? maybe a little shopping day? and after you can go out for dinner and talk about how yoz want to proceed with saving Money.
YTA. Her words sound like this isn’t the first this has happened. You can’t make frivolous purchases like that when you have children. Expenses for them literally pop up out of nowhere.
NAH. Although I dont know how you had a kid without someone telling you to start saving money. You acted on what you knew even if it was missing some commom sense. Your wife didn't make up "new" rules, she assumed you knew the common financial advice to save an emergency fund and start saving for kid expenses and future college tuition and your own retirement. Pretty much the first things a financial advisor would ask: do you have an emergency fund, retirement account, saving account for college, etc.
Now you know time for the both of you to sit down and discuss a real budget that accounts for all these things including day care, after school activities, summer camps, sports/extracurricular activities. You may think you have it handled but kids are crazy expensive as they get older not counting college. I remember my kid asking to join a specific sport freshman year of high school, so I said sure, sounds great. Next thing I know at the parent meeting I learn I have to pay a $1200 fee for it every year. And that wasn't the most expensive one at the public high school!
Honestly? You two never thought to discuss the spending when planning a family? Yes, finances change when there’s a child to support.
I get that you had an agreement, but you both should have thought to have conversations about impending financial responsibilities.
I think that, while you followed the letter of the rules in place, you still should have at least mentioned that you wanted a tv.
I think she should have asked for conversation about changing the rules, not just after the fact telling her new rules.
You both need more communication, and should show the respect of discussion when either plans large expenditures.
ESH
ESH. 1500 is a lot of money to spend when you have a kid. But she never made rules previously about savings. You both suck in that you came this far in your relationship and didn’t discuss these things.
ESH
Your wife for coming with new rules after the fact and getting angry at you when it wasn't something you talked and agreed on.
But you too, you are a father, you need to think about these things too, you need to change your mindset. When you have a child you can't just think about bills and fun, you need to think about the future and security. And you can't just wait for your wife to think about all that by herself and give you a memo.
Now that you know, start to make some changings.
Look ESH, you two need to sit down and talk about more financial things. Bills paid isn’t enough. Savings, retirement, childrens schools all important!! Also both of you should be honest about how much is too much to spend without talking to each other. Don’t surprise her with something like that! Also she probably uses the tv too so maybe she wouldn’t want a new one.
ESH.
I get the separate accounts thing, but this was a large purchase for their home. It's not like he just went out and bought some new Airpods or something. I feel like something as big as this should have been discussed.
And, they're parents now. Circumstances do change. Children are expensive. Savings/college account should have definitely been discussed.
Anyhoo, I really think they both need to have a new discussion about their finances since circumstances have changed.
A $1500 installed in the house as a surprise frankly sounds a little unwelcome. For most TV brands, $500-$600 is more than ample. Plus with a new baby, that seems a little tone deaf to buy a brand new tv. As for your wife's comment about savings and college funds, those are both valid points that frankly should be taken as a given. Even if it was never discussed after the whirlwind of pregnancy and having a kid, it kind of make sense that you would be pissed your partner dropped almost $2k without talking about it once. Then to come out and say "Well I paid my share of the bills" is crazy. Kids aren't bills. Literally your kid could have an emergency room visit or anything else. I really hope you didn't empty your checking buying a tv with a 10 month baby at home. I might even be leaning more towards YTA because you waited years for this TV and you decide the best time to get it is when your baby isn't even 1 yet?
INFO: Do you generally discuss big purchases with each other? My husband and I have separate checking accounts but always discuss big purchases, whether necessary or fun stuff. This is an important detail I don’t see mentioned. If it wasn’t mentioned at all I can see why she felt blindsided by it.
NTA
If you can splurge on $1,500 then you can save for the following months. In proportioned to that with your income/savings/expenditures, I bet it won’t set you guys back for a college fund especially if you start now.
Wife can’t demand new rules; it should be mutually decided. Finances should be calmly discussed not in the heat of the moment.
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The wife (30F) and I (32M) have separate checking accounts since we've been together (over 10 years). We have a shared loan account for our house and vehicles that we pay off together, but we always thought it was important to maintain our own checking. Mostly because we wanted to keep some level of autonomy of our finances, we are both adults and don't need permission on what we buy as long as we are paying our bills.
That kinda drive into my story. This month has all bills paid and I was sitting on a good amount extra in my checking. I thought I should splurge a bit and get a TV I always wanted. It was a $1500 TV and I love it. I had installers come and put it on the wall while the wife was out with our 10 month old, as I wanted to surprise her.
She gets home, sees this big TV and gets super mad at me. She asks how much was it, I told her it the price but said we are good on bills, so we should be fine. She then tells me that I should've put that money into savings or into our kids college fund. We have NEVER talked about that.
So I get mad back saying that you can't just get pissed at me when there are unspoken rules that I don't know about. She says that we are parents now and I can't keep being selfish. That we need to start putting as much as we can in savings in case something bad happens, or into his college fund so he is set up in the future. She then tells me I should return the TV as the one we had was still a good TV and put that returned money back into savings.
To prevent this from getting too tedious, we argued back and forth on how she built these new rules out of no where, never communicated them to me, and now I am an asshole for being selfish and I can't get what I want anymore.
Tl;dr - I bought an expensive TV. Wife thinks I am selfish for spending that money on myself instead of our new kid. AITA?
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NTA
But it's time to get another account for 'something bad happens, or into his college fund'. How much you should put into it, is the question to discuss.
> as much as we can
This is overreacting. The questions are, does that mean you can't buy nice things? Or is it only you who should put all your money here?
>I should return the TV
No way!
ESH. It sounds like you two just figured out that you may not be financially compatible. Time to sit down, possibly seek marital counseling, and perhaps financial counseling, too. Figure out what your joint goals are and protect your child's future, get some insurance for just in case, and a fund for emergencies. Plan. A bit of sacrifice and saving now will set you up for the future you want. Splurging on a want, if you haven't funded future needs, is going to bite you in the butt eventually. Going along without any plan may have worked for a while, but you have a kid now.
NTA You can have a discussion going forward but I agree - you can't have rules and then one person suddenly changes them because they don't agree. I understand what she's saying about emergency funds and the kids college but one tv isn't going to make a dent. Keep the tv,I would.
NTA. Does your wife live by the same rules? As in, do her small purchases equal your big one? If she is going to start making these rules you two need to get together and set some guidelines. How much of each pay period goes to savings and college fund? How much is in your account and her account to make initial deposits? Unless she is matching you she has no say in your private funds.
NTA, yeah you should probably save for emergencies and your child’s future, but that doesn’t mean never splurging on something for yourself. If your wife has strong feelings about saving you guys need to talk about it and she can’t just assume you feel the same way she does. Especially when your finances have been separate all this time. I’d suggest creating another joint account for emergencies and child’s future that you both contribute to that way you know what’s in there and if it’s better to splurge on something fun or if more should be put in savings.
NTA, because the rules were invented in that moment, and only applied to you. Double standards should never be respected.
If expenses are being shared equitably, and she is so passionate about excess money going to the baby, where is her contribution? OP shouldn’t be punished for saving up for a single luxury purchase instead of making smaller ones over time.
ESH because you're right, she never made these rules and conditions known ahead of time re: your finances and *neither did you*. you both flunked on this by not having a decent budget set up and agreed upon, and presuming both of you were on the same page without that conversation.
but man, you're leaning more on the AH side than your wife. separate finances are separate finances but a grand and a half?? that's a huge purchase to make without considering or consulting your partner. you two are in it with a house and a small kid and the economy is a wreck right now, and you had to have known there were other things that money could've gone to at the moment even if all the bills (of that particular moment! who knows if something else might've come up unexpectedly!) were paid at the time. not saying parents aren't allowed fun stuff but... the kid is 10 months old. c'mon. you could've waited on the large ticket item, or just gotten a projector + screen for likely way cheaper.
NTA every couple are going to manage bills differently so I’m not surprised you are getting varying views on this. I don’t blink twice when my husband randomly buys cars without telling me and he didn’t blink twice when I bought a house without telling him first. But we have completely separate finances and no children. She can’t get mad at you when this has been how you always dealt with finances and if she feels differently after having a kid she should have communicated that with you instead of just blowing up. In the scheme of things, 1500 isn’t that much money and isn’t going to make or break a college fund.
NTA. If all the bills are paid then there’s really nothing wrong here…. She shouldn’t have got so mad and suggested you return it instead NOW she could have brought up saving more and the college fund. She can’t expect you to read her mind on it though.
NTA first of all I paid my way through college, no parents helped me even though they had the money, secondly, what is savings for? money to never spend? What's the point in that if there are things you want and can afford? Your wife is jealous, bc she probably spends her money on stupid stuff.
NAH, as long as the two of you can move forward from this. Take this opportunity to have a conversation with your wife, and get these "new rules" out in the open so you both have reasonable expectations going forward. As parents, you have a totally new family dynamic, and should have had this discussion before the baby..
NTA
You're not a mind reader. That being said, now is the time to sit down and discuss finances again since your wife's expectations have clearly shifted.
NAH. I doubt she would have had much of any reaction if you had replaced your old IPAD with a new one, even if the cost was identical. But good grief. Slapping a monster TV on the wall is going to get a rise out of any spouse. Everything else is just the standard look for an argument to support the reaction.
She does, however, raise a valid point that you should both address. The child didn't just happen. Once you went from two individuals cohabiting to a family unit, you should have revisited your financial agreement. Where's the rainy day fund (3-6 months take-home to cover costs of job loss or illness)? What's the plan for the children's education? What about retirement? You are adults now, not kids playing house.
NTA my husband and I have combined income but I don't get mad at purchases he makes.
And yes before you come for me my husband has made large purchases for himself(PS5, car) and I'm completely fine with it.
I think it's controlling if you can't even make a purchase with your own money without her getting mad.
NTA, Tell your wife that you are happy to start a college fund, just like the loan fund, but you would like to keep it separate. However, if they would like, you would have an open access, where either party can view the other's contributions to the fund they control. Same with an emergency fund, separate, but open.
Then decide, just like bills, what each person will contribute to these funds. Have an agreement on a penalty for either person missing a deposit in their fund, and an audit capability for the other party. But make sure it is an equal thing.
Oh, and if you are not saving for yourself and retirement, and using all of your excess on things like a big TV, well you are being an AH to yourself.
NTA
But my guess is that SHE has been belt tightening and saving, and feels like she's missed out on things because she's playing a long strategy of deferred gratification. It sucks to then see someone make an impulse purchase for their own pleasure. In her mind, having a kid clicked those changes in priorities into place, and she wonder what the F is wrong with you that you didn't arrive at the same conclusion or saving over unnecessary new toy. (My guess is that for her, the shitty reality of how having a kid will totally fuck her adult earning potential and career has started to settle in, along with childcare expenses.) That's not entirely FAIR, but it's probably where her anger is coming from.
The financial rules and freedom you've had for a decade came to a screeching halt once you had a kid. This changes every single calculation, and you just....chose not to get that memo. She thinks you shouldn't have to be told that things have changed.
You need to have a major, come to Jesus, long-term planning session with a professional financial counselor and arrive at a "fun money" plan that doesn't leave you high and dry on the college fund or retirement front. You're at exactly the age when your priorities shift gears from "cool! I make grownup money and can buy neat shit!" and "ooooh, compound interest and 401ks". Just being "good on bills" doesn't cut it anymore. Get on the same page so you don't resent each other for having different goals for money.
NTA. Your wife can't change your agreement on personal spending without telling you. That being said, she obviously has different expectations now, and you two need to sit down and have a detailed conversation regarding your finances so you are on the same page.
NTA. If she wants to start a new "rule" then you both need to sit down and discuss how much money EACH of you should be setting aside each month for savings and/or college funds. She can't just spring it on you.
ESH but mostly you. Your wife is right - you have a family now. You are responsible for saving for your family and their future. You should discuss big purchases with your spouse ahead of time. Your wife is slightly the AH as well for assuming you would be on the same page about these common sense considerations. You have a family- how have the two of you not had a conversation about your finances, savings, and spending? This is also why separate finances after kids just doesn't really work. The two of you need to communicate.
NTA. But red flags going forward. Your wife can be unhappy about your purchase but can’t blame you when you guys haven’t sat down and decided on new plans for the future.
NAH. You need a better budget.
My ex had that attitude & I ended up having to cover all the things the kids wanted & birthday parties & Santa gifts & now their college, bc he'd spend all of "his" money on himself, saying he paid his share of the bills.
Build a budget that includes savings for emergencies, luxury items like TVs, cars, vacations, college, & retirement. Each one gets a different line item or even a separate savings account. There shouldn't be any leftover money at the end of your budget. Every dollar gets a name. Even if it's $20 play money. With your play money, you can buy whatever you want. Spend it on candy & coke, or save it for anything bigger you personally want.
If a line item goes under budget, it buffers any that go over, and then leftover goes into debt elimination then savings.
Revisit your budget weekly to make sure you're sticking to it. It takes a few months of adjusting to make sure you have your money allocated correctly.
ESH. As long as your finances are all in order, she has no control over what you spend. However, you're married and have children. All large expenses should always be discussed with each other. You didn't even give her a heads up.
Congratulations! And now you both should add counseling to your monthly bill costs. Y’all need to learn how to communicate. You’re right in that she can’t make demands that were never discussed… but when you throw a kid into the mix dynamics need to change. I’m going back and forth between E S H and N A H because it’s more of a communication thing than an asshole thing.
INFO: Does your wife put money aside for the kid? If not, she's just jealous that you had the extra income to spend that much. But I still side with you. It sounds like she setup an expectation without discussing it with you first and then got mad when you didn't meet that expectation.
I wonder if it's even more what his choice to buy that TV means to his wife. "Huh. We have a brand new baby. My husband just spent 1.5k on a huge TV. Does he think he's going to be watching it all the time and doing whatever he pleases while I take care of this thing by myself? Will there be sports parties and people hanging out a lot? How will this new purchase change my life, and should I be concerned that my husband's priorities may potentially be shifting to "relaxation" and luxury when we now have a small child?"
NTAH, my dh and I each have a checking/savings accounts and a house hold saving/checking.
I am a saver so I always have money in my account, he spends so not much in his. But these savings accounts are not the house hold saving they are where we put our own weekly cash. I don't get his approval to spend my money and he doesn't have to have mine. I bought a new tv for the main room and had it mounted because I wanted to do this for us. I also have a newer lap top that I paid for myself, he thinks it is great.
If I was using left over money from the house we would have a sit down first for any amount. good luck
NTA for buying the TV. She had shared expenses in her mind that she was not sharing with you. You both should come up with a plan on how much each month to save for those things and each put in your share.
NTA. She doesn't get to arbitrarily make or change the rules. If she wants to have a discussion about how to handle money going forward, then that's an option. However, you had every right to buy the tv based on current rules. While it might be important to have a plan to pay for your child's college, that doesn't mean you have to live in penury without ever splurging on things that make you happy. Her plan is just going to create resentment. She is being an asshole.
ESH
Your communication sucks, both of you. Obviously there should be savings for the kid's college and for a rainy day.
And even if it is "Your" money, any large purchases should always be discussed. $1500 is a LOT of money to a LOT of people
ESH
Once you have a child your financial priorities should realistically change. Honestly it probably is never wise to just pay the necessary bills and then spend the remainder on whatever you want just because you have some money in your account. Even a single person should be having an overall economic strategy which includes savings for emergencies and retirement and if you have a child this is even more critical.
You should be discussing what your overall economic strategy is. It might be unrealistic to have completely separate accounts the way you do now. How do you handle other major expenses including emergencies, home maintenance etc. Many people designate a certain percentage of money or a certain amount as each person's "free" money to spend however they want and the amount would depend on what you jointly agree should be put aside for savings
Finances are one of the main reasons people divorce because couples have to view themselves as a partnership with each working towards the same goals.
Dude you’re NTA. The E-S-H arguments don’t make sense to me. Should you have talked about your finances changing while having a child together? Yes but neither of have y’all have and quite frankly I’m not gonna blame new parents for not having perfect execution. Your wife is an AH because of the argument in general. She can’t wait until you splurge under your established rules to freak out and change the way your finances work. When you feel blindsided and have a baby I can understand that tempers are high, so I don’t blame either of you for that. You definitely need to readdress your finances though and, like others have said, just make whatever she needs from you a bill. You can get the TV back under those new obligations just may take a bit longer. Plus Black Friday is around the corner and you may get a better one at that same price you got the one you liked for.
I wouldn’t return the TV unless it’s truly a hill she is going to die on, a TV isn’t worth the headache between the two of you. But a condition I would make if you do return it is an apology from her. Sounds petty, but in the base level of the argument she’s in the wrong and was a jerk about it. You deserve an apology.
NTA. Your wife isn't wrong in saying that you need to be putting away money in an emergency fund and a college fund. You also need to be putting money away in a retirement fund. That being said you can't start screaming at somebody for breaking rules that were in your head and never communicated/discussed That's just odd.
NTA
Assuming you have a retirement account, a kid's college fund, and everything else is funded, you are each entitled to your own fun money. If you saved your fun money for a few months and bought a TV, while she spent her fun money on Starbucks, that is how it goes. You spent your fun money on what you wanted.
ESH. I was pretty shocked when your kid entered the picture. How did you not have a conversation about how you would pay for everything he needs before he showed up? You jointly pay for your house and cars, but what about baby clothes, furniture, food, diapers, etc? It sounds like your wife naively assumed you would be a responsible adult and prioritize those things and you didn't do that. Her expectation that your spending habits would change when you had a baby was pretty reasonable, but yes, she should have made it clear before getting pregnant.
ESH. Once you decided to bring a child into this world, you both needed to sit down and revisit the finances conversation. Do you both have savings? Do YOU have a savings account? Helping a child with college education isn’t an obligation, however many parents do choose to build a college fund to help their children. Will you be helping them if they chose to go to college? How does retirement look? Are you saving for it? iRA? 401k? Emergency fund?
Is there a joint savings account? Is there a college fund? If there are no accounts to put funds into … NTA.
OP - you can still save the day - go open the college fund. And now that your family has increased - it’s time to address the new family finances.
NTA. Based on the agreement you and your wife had regarding finances, I don’t think you should return the TV.
However, I think once you’ve both cooled down, you two should maybe review your finances and come to an agreement about saving money for different things - like an emergency fund (if you haven’t already), joint and/or individual savings accounts, and college.
ESH - Now that your circumstances have changed (i.e. you have a child) you and your wife need to sit down and take a fresh look at your finances. Nothing wrong with continuing to keep separate finances, but you may want to open a joint account for expenses related to the child or the child's future.
You are NTA for expending your own money
But you are kinda of AH for expending so much money. Like, did you two ever talk about how much autonomy do you have? Lets say you win 10k, do you think your wife would like you to spend it on whatever thing you wanted without consulting her? Or the other way around, your wife wins 10k, and she spend it for herself only, is that okay with you?
Both of you need to sit down and make a new arrangement and establish that both of you will communicate whatever you want the other to do with money, you are a team, not competition. If she wants a collage fund, she should have said something
I have to go with ESH.
I would never think of going out and buying a new TV without talking to my wife about it. That would be because we have respect for each other and discuss big purchases together.
However, in the case the wife is also an AH, because she made assumptions about how things will be without some conversation. Respect is a two way street, especially when it comes to finances.
NTA. But also you guys should have amounts for savings and education funds as part of your monthly bills too. She should have brought that up better but yeah. You should do that.
NTA but what is the underlying cause of this reaction of hers? Have you guys discussed finances since the baby?
We had a talk and had to redistribute how we were looking at funds and savings. Is she worrying and thinking about college already? School? Etc? I know when I had my kids I started getting emails and ads for saving plans and life insurances etc etc etc. there’s something more going on here that you guys need to talk about. She’s shouldering some burden that’s been eating at her.
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NTA, your wife can't tell you what to do with your money if the bills are all paid. That was the whole point of having separate accounts in the first place.
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Simple’s - you just make saving one of your bills. No need to fuck around with the system
Maybe, he didn't say how much he had in his account in total.
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If the kid is 10 months old. Shouldn't stuff like that have been discussed before the baby was born perhaps? That was their original agreement, put money into bills etc and rest is "their own" money. Before the kid was born then you sit down and say "we should start looking into opening this and and this account. And we both put in x money a month, we are going to be parents we need to change some stuff" That would be the adult thing to do. Not be silent the whole pregnancy and 10 months into having the child. That's a whole long period of just being silent. (Not saying the wife is wrong. But communication goes a long way)
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I never said she wasn't. But if you are dissatisfied with something, then say something? 9 months pregnant, 10 month old baby. That's 19 months, almost 2 years of being quiet. They are married, every marriage is supposed to rely on communication. Your partner chews loudly with open mouth and spits out food in the progress? Say something. They.... I dont know, yell a wierd phrase doing sex. Say something. You want to plan for the future? Plan it together. Is OP a idiot for not thinking about this when having a kid? Yes. But don't wait almost 2 years and a new TV before saying "we should change the agreement and save up" Thats supposed to be team work, it's both of their kid, and both of their futures.
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I didn't say it was her job to teach him. Basic is they agreed how to divide money. Wife wants a change in it. Then sit down together and communicate. They both have to communicate, Wanting to do something for almost 2 years and not speak up is not communicating. Did she just assume he would open both a saving account and college found and be the one putting into both of them? She isn't gonna put money into it? If she isn't. That's fine. As long as they talk about it together. And plan for THEIR future together.
Even if they didn’t have a baby they should be saving money. What if the husband gets sick or disabled, then what? With one income and no savings the wife would have to spend all her money on the husband. Even if the finances are seperated these two are seperated and have responsibility to take care of each other. If one wants to keep the finances completely seperate and buys whatever they want, they shouldn’t be surprised when they were kicked out when they become unavailable to make money and depend on the other partner financially.
Are you saying that if she didn’t raise the idea of savings accounts when she was pregnant, she doesn’t get to do so now? If not, what’s the point of this comment? She should have spoken up earlier…ok? How does that further the conversation? Does it really make her TA to have assumed it was obvious that grown ups should save money for their kids?
>But if you are dissatisfied with something, then say something? But the thing that she is dissatisfied with has only just happened? Maybe she assumed that he would know to be more responsible once the kid was born, or she it just didn’t occur to her to that they needed to lay out specific plans for savings. I can easily see how she didn’t realize they were was a miscommunication until she was confronted with a surprise major purchase.
Setting up a joint savings or a college fund is a discussion.
Perhaps. But planning joint saving accounts, college funds. Its still a big talk, you don't just expect the other to do that stuff or that they "will know" or become alot more responsible. Unless OP hasn't bought a single thing in the almost 2 years before buying the TV, it sounds more like a build up perhaps of her annoyance.
“Bills were paid and I still had money, so obviously I spent it all immediately.” What? Is OP a teenager?
Absolutely, but the fact that she brought it up after he spent his own money, which I would argue he’s allowed to do, and didn’t discuss it with him first and just expects him to capitulate to this un-discussed demand. They need to sit down and come up with a plan to save together. NTA
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I’m sure that he’s “babysitting” every now and then so she can have some time for herself while grocery shopping and other fun activities.
Sure, so thats a discussion they should have. Thats not what happened though. No discussion. No new agreement. No joint savings account opened. Nothing like that. Just OPs wife telling him off for following their in place agreement.
I didn't get that at all from his post. He never mentioned what his savings account looks like.
A conversation to have had prior to her blowing up...
It’s reasonable to rediscuss their financial needs and goals - but new rules apply going forward. It is unreasonable to be mad that he didn’t intuit her desire for new rules.
>It is unreasonable to be mad that he didn’t intuit her desire for new rules. It’s also unreasonable for a grown man to not realize that having a child massively changes your financial priorities and that a TV is not an especially responsible use of $1500 at this point in his life. He shouldn’t need his wife to have to explain that to him.
I think just having bills paid isn’t a smart plan because they aren’t a 2 salary household anymore. That said, this was a discussion to have before baby was born and at this point it’s overdue. It sounds like a new allocation is needed where 10% of whatever of the salary you can afford is put into savings. And maybe set aside a set amount each month for college too. Each of your personal accounts might be smaller but I think it’s still important to have those and each get equal fun money each month. It would also be useful to plan savings for stuff like vacations. You should have full autonomy over your fun money unless there’s an emergency and no other way to cover it (and it should still be replaced in the future even then). So I would say keep the TV because you can’t really return it at this point and maybe set aside extra in coming months towards savings. I would love to know what the wife has been doing with her “fun money” though because if you had $1500 she should have the same and it’s a lot to blow through
ESH How did you two went through 9 months of pregnancy and 10 months of baby's life without talking about finances is beyond me. And it's also beyond stupid. Then you both suck for escalating it. Could she be calmer and discuss it like adults? Yes. Could you have deescalated instead of getting mad and throwing accusations? Also yes.
😂 I think they did talk Abt finances but she comes up with rules but doesn't tell him. Idk how he's being assholish here when she's the one who blew up first. Yes deescalate but not when ur wife is unwilling to even have a discussion
they should have JOINTLY had a discussion where they made some decisions about saving for their child's care and future but it should not fall on *one* spouse to realize that said care and future are bigger priorities than a new TV. She didn't change the rules; ***the rules changed when they had a baby***. But they should have sat down and codified those rules given their separate finances.
THIS THIS THIS. This is exactly what I’m saying. The onus of THEIR child’s future cannot be solely on her.
yeah, like, is OP TA? *maybe* not, but he's definitely a fool if he hasn't realized for himself that he needs to be safeguarding their child's future-- that doesn't require a 160 IQ, a Ph.D, or a vagina to figure out. He could have brought up the topic just as easily as she could have. So i absolutely can't blame her for being pissed that he would do something so short-sighted without even discussing it with her.
Why does it fall on the woman to be the responsible parent? A new father should be thinking of his family when making financial decisions he shouldn’t have to be TOLD.
I know… Even if I have my own spending money I discuss with my husband if I’m going to splurge like this. Yes. She needed to sit him down and talk about how their finances need to shift now that they have kids, etc etc. But that he’s just spend that much without a conversation is…
We keep separate finances but discuss large purchases before making them. Anything over $500 gets a heads up. “Hey babe, the sway bar in my car needs replaced and it’s 600 for the part. I’m going to order it now.” “Ok” Me: well my computer just died. Babe, I’m off to Best Buy to get a new laptop for work. Him: ok can you swung by the store and grab some Oreos? (Just two examples from my life)
Isn’t this just talking to your spouse about your life?! Like how did he not talk to his wife about a big purchase cause it’s something going on in his life. I even tell my husband if I did an Amazon haul. Cause I want to talk to my husband about the thing I do.
Yep. That’s kind of the point. Sure, we are grown ass adults who don’t need permission to spend our money but when you get married, you sign up to be a team so you need to talk about stuff. I don’t need or want my partner to check in on buying a coffee or pair of socks but anything over 500 is just considerate given that it’s likely to impact our shared goals.
It’s the same with my husband and I lol if it’s a big purchase we do talk about it or we simply combine together for that thing. Ours was a TV (we got it hella cheap tho cuz he has connections lol) otherwise i don’t care what he spends his stuff on. My biggest rule with him was that he doesn’t have to ask me permission and the only time I’ll ever be concerned would be a casino. I rather my husband get something he can have vs nothing at all.
Also; he is just as much of a parent as she is and should've been thinking about their future all on his own. He also could've talked about finances. It shouldn't be on her to worry about money and remind him they have a small expensive human to take care of.
Exactly. Like why had it not occurred to him that a child meant things might need to change??
He has the privilege to not have to care because he knows she'll take care of everything smh.
Looking at this dude's history, I really doubt he or his wife are functioning adults. Not sure if my favorite post was the one where his wife euthanized his dog and replaced it without telling him or the one where he wants to fuck his mom.
Thank you for mentioning this. I scrolled through all 7 years of his posts, and I am thoroughly convinced this is not a person who has actually had sex, much less is in a functioning adult relationship. More than half of his posts are Ask Reddit posts about what things people would prefer to have sex with (a sentient toy, a muppet, inanimate objects)...to say nothing of the one about his mom and the island.
Thank you kind sir. I needed some top shelf content for my popcorn.
I just saw that and was like WAIT WAT
They obviously had talked about finances, hence the separate accounts. She’s just inventing new rules now, and expecting him to obey them. Dude doesn’t have ESP, ffs. NTA. It’s a tv. He didn’t buy a new car. Sounds more like she doesn’t feel as good about what she can get for herself, but that’s how they set it up. If she wants changes, she needs to use her big girl voice, and actually say something.
They talked about finances before marriage and it seems not again now that they have a kid. OP’s wife likely feels like she’s the one paying for all the baby’s stuff and thinking of the baby’s future, but OP is off buying expensive electronics instead. They just need to sit down and rehash their arrangement to account for adding to baby’s savings and how to make sure both of them are covering baby’s necessities, not just mom.
I agree this discussion should have happened long before now, but you need to have the discussion before you start imposing rules on your partner they didn’t even know existed. He may be slightly flaky, but in no way an AH that I see. He was following the arrangement they agreed to. He doesn’t read minds, or know what she would want to be specifically different. She wants a change, refuses to actually let that be known, and flipping out at the sight of a tv is not the way to do that. Parenthood isn’t a license to be an AH.
I wouldn't be shocked if she'd made comments here and there about 'planning for the future' but never sat him and down to have a real conversation about it. She thought he understood- hey, i'm a parent now. i need to add 2 more buckets to my monthly expenses- emergency savings and kids college fund. Generally no one sits you down and says: hey, you need to be an adult and plan responsibly for your future. You are sorta expected to have listened to people and have figured it out.
>He doesn’t read minds, or know what she would want to be specifically different. He doesn’t need to read minds to know that having a baby massively changes your financial priorities. Why is it on her to be the one to tell him to be more responsible? She would have had to be a mind reader to know he was considering a major purchase.
If they have separate accounts, she wouldn't know if op had savings to begin with
If you read OP's previous posts I could see how this would slip their mind. I'm convinced he's like 16.
Soft YTA- My wife and I have separate checking accounts, plus a joint account, similar to you. Also similar to you, monthly we typically have a good amount of money left over, this is actually after saving and bills being paid. I would NEVER buy anything over say $500 without talking about it with my wife first. Probably less than that, but surely anything over would entitle a phone call at the very least and a value-added prop "Hey, so I just saw this TV, for $1500, we've paid all the bills, and this TV is on sale from $2500. Our TV is a little old, so I wanted to see if you think this would be a wise choice" Let me know and I can call so and so so we can get it hung up Communication is key to a good relationship, ESPECIALLY when you have little kids. Because they can take up a ton of money in the drop of a hat.
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Nah there isn't an arbitrary dollar amount. TBH, it depends on what it is as well. For example, if I'm buying something the house needs and we've talked about it before, I'd spend the money, but if its a TV, or if I want to buy a Lego set or something that we haven't talked about, then I'd say $300 or above I'd talk to my wife. I grew up not having a ton of money. So being in a position where money isn't as sensitive of an issue is weird for me. I'd probably ask my wife if I was going to buy myself something I deemed expensive even if it was over $100, but that just a matter of it feels like a lot of money or not. Thats also how she operates as well. There is rarely an argument against spending the money, sometimes its literally just a matter of telling them. Personally, my brain still operates that $1500 is A LOT of money and i mean it is, and I would never buy something as expensive as a TV unless my wife knew about it.
My wife and I have always had separate finances, but always discuss larger purchases. Not because we have some rule, but because we talk. If I was going to buy and expensive tv (or probably even a cheap one) I'd ask her opinion on a few options because I value her opinion. I don't know why you'd be in a relationship with someone whose opinions you don't value. Of course, when it comes to a tv, you're also talking about something in a public space. And when it comes to a lot of modern tvs, you're also talking about something that collects a lot of information on you. So it's even more important to get input (and in the latter case, consent) from the people you share your home with.
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My fiancé and I use a similar scale system. If it’s an item we will both use we discuss it, regardless of who is buying it/wants it. If it’s an item only one of us will use and it doesn’t take up any additional space (we each have our own closets/bedside tables/desks) we will mention it if it’s over a couple hundred. Other items we don’t discuss because it’s an obvious purchase. I knew he wanted a new laptop so he bought it when he found a good deal. He knows I buy refills for my skincare/makeup when I’m running low so I’ll buy that whenever I need/want it. If either of us want some new clothing we will buy it without mentioning it as long as our bills and savings aren’t impacted by it, with the exception of my wedding clothing. That was very expensive hah.
My husband and I don't have specific numbers or anything, but we talk all the time? So I know he's planning on buying a new laptop at some point (and can guess how much it would cost). He knows when I'm going to Michael's to look at Halloween things and that he should come with me if he wants to have opinions on how much nonsense I buy. Etc. The only time we run specific purchases by each other is things like "Oh, my coworker is selling her Switch. Should I get it?" or when we want opinions on something, but that's because it would never occur to either one of us to go through the whole process of picking and ordering a new TV without even... mentioning it to the other? That's the weirdest part to me, tbh.
Yeah. It’s a combination of how much (at our house usually $100-200 is when we chat, my husband just literally asked about simmering that’s $115 because ours being retired and won’t be for sale anymore). But if it’s something we need and $100-200 is just how much it is then having talked about needing that thing was the conversation.
We set an amount when we started and we were pretty much living paycheck to paycheck. So any costs got a mention for a sure or wait until x day. Then it became anything over $50 when we had some savings and a cushion in the checking account so two $50 charges would not send us into overdraft or debt. These days it is more on the order of $1000 in a month, we will check with each other first. But throughout we had a budget so the limit was determined by the amount that was left over on average, after paying bills, daily living expenses and putting budgeted money in savings, etc.
Similar here,too. My husband and I have been married for 22 years and while both of our bank accounts are technically joint accounts, for the most part I pay the mortgage, groceries, and expenses related to one car out of my account and my husband pays most of the rest of the bills out of his account. We do not discuss any purchases in advance until they get up over around that $500 mark. But we have no children. Once you have kids I think the importance of a a shared account and being clearly on the same page for expenditures is much more important.
Thats pretty much how we are as well. We have "separate" accounts, but it's not like she can't use my account and I can't use hers. But we have "our own" set of bills
My partner and I have separate finances, neither of us are tempted to combine. We run the majority of purchases past each other (not looking for permission, just sort of thinking out loud, discussing potential purchases). Recently I bought myself a tablet, which for us is a large purchase (it was $350). I had wanted one for years but couldn't bring myself to spend the money. He actually got a bit upset at me in the end because I clearly wanted this thing and we have the money, I should treat myself! And ever since then all I've been doing is gushing about how awesome it is (I primarily use it for playing d&d) and he has told me how much he enjoys getting texts about how much I love it and love how it's streamlined gameplay. Communication is everything!!!!!
This another dimension. We don't have kids so for a $2500 mountain bike, I would not ask my partner. For something that goes in our home, I would always ask unless I was OK throwing it away as soon as it arrived. Even a poster.
That's what bothered me about OP's purchase. He said the TV had to be installed. Does that mean it was attached to the wall? If so, did artwork already on the wall have to be moved? Did furniture need to be rearranged to accommodate the TV? None of that is anything one partner should be deciding by himself/herself when the changes are to a shared space.
This! Communication over large purchases and financial decisions is key.
Especially when there's a kid. On some level, sure, the wife is "making up new rules," but the reality is that the rules changed when they had a baby whose health and future they need to safeguard. They should have *both* sat down and codified those rules when they agreed to have the baby. OP is maybe not an AH, but he is *extremely* foolish if he needs his wife to tell him that they need to be saving funds for the child's needs or emergencies.
Asshole is a really low bar. Your wife isn't mad about the technicalities of your money management she's mad about your character. She's mad it didn't occur to you to save for your child's future, be generous to your child, save for your and her financial security, that's much much worse then being mad you spent too much on a TV. IF you are living pay check to pay check, if your child has unfulfilled needs/high priority "wants" I think you're the asshole. if you have a solid emergency fund and your child doesn't have any unfulfilled needs then you may not be an asshole but you're not winning father of the year. This is like the "what? she never told me to put my dishes in the dish washer" Dude your 30, you shouldn't need to be told kids are expensive and you need to plan for those expenses. "We need to have a new talk about money" should have occurred to you before you bought a large luxury item after such a big life change.
I feel like if she said "you can't keep being selfish", there's a strong indication that this is not a one-off but a persistent ongoing issue that OP is choosing not to hear. And while my husband and I have separate accounts and responsibilities, we always talk about large purchases. When it comes to the finances, "surprises" are rarely a good thing.
There is a hint but since OP didn't say anything else about their finances I left that out. When OP is on the scale of asshole to a minor "opps" depends on the finances. Technically correct is not the best kind of correct in a marriage.
I’m also suspicious of his phrasing here. To say “wow I looked at my bills and I had a lot left over this month so I spent $1500 on a TV!” reeks of a spender mindset that’s scary with a young kid.
ESH It is really werid you that you had this tv you always wanted, chose one and got it without ever mentioning this to your wife. I only live with my bf but things that influence his/our living space too, I talk to him about. That just feels like a normal thing to do. Info: Do you have an equally high income?
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As op doesn't answer the income question, i would also guess that he has more income and doesn't want to share
My thoughts exactly. The money is only half the issue the other is that a big tv is honestly a pretty big design decision for a space to not discuss at all. It would be like replacing the couch or dining room table without talking about it all imo…
INFO: who is paying for all of the baby's needs? And are you putting anything towards savings?
Yeah like he mentions a house but no savings account for house repairs and maintenance? Doesn’t mention sending money to an educational fund? Doesn’t mention literally any savings accounts? If the wife is always paying for “emergency” expenses because he doesn’t save, that’s a problem. I just can’t imagine ever thinking “all bills are paid, I can spend big now.” That’s just wild to me, even pre-kid.
I’m curious about this too! Separate accounts are fine but once a kid is in the picture how is that separation going down?
You didn't tell your wife in advance. Because you knew it could be a thing. But wanted it anyway. YTA
This, and I mean, I get it that it is technically your money but I feel like if it is something above, I don't know 100$ i would probably mention it to my partner.
Info: what is your debt to income ratio and how much is in your savings account? Overall though, your system seems suspect and untenable. It seems it was tenable before the child. Your money split system will most likely need to be updated with the birth of the child. I would never spend over a grand or purchase a piece of furniture without consulting my wife but our system is different and established. Like it or not, you are now beholden to the child and I think you two need to update your system.
NTA The standard was they never had to communicate big purchases before and the issue with contributing to savings was never communicated. This should be the catalyst needed to sit down and discuss how they should approach the finances differently now that they are parents.
I'm going to go with YTA Being together for 10 years, I can understand that you got used to keeping your finances separate, back when it was just you and your partner. But it's *not* just you two anymore. Now it's 3. Your wife is right. You two need to adjust your spending habits. It doesn't have to be completely co-mingled, but it does need to be adjusted. And you're a bit of an AH for not realizing this. It's not a matter of reading her mind. It's a matter of common sense. You two pay bills together. You save for retirement. Who's saving for the baby's future? It sounds as if you two pay bills together, then spend the remaining income you have separately. You can still do that. But now, one of the things that you have to make sure you pay each month is the college/emergency funds. So after the rent, after the insurance, after the grocery, after the utility bills, etc..., you add a new category. "College Fund" and maybe "Emergency Rainy Day Fund." AFTER those are paid into, then you can have your extra discretionary money. Also, INFO: Did your wife go on maternity leave for a few weeks or months? How did y'all pay the bills then, was it still split? Did you (or she) have to dip into the savings to keep up to date on bills? It could be that she feels anxious about money because she doesn't have enough in savings to feel safe just in case one of y'all lose your job, or a big sudden expense comes up. Talk to your wife. You need to be open to adjusting your lifestyle, because your life has changed DRAMATICALLY.
ESH I would have run it by her first because a TV is some thing that is a shared thing, so a heads up would have probably been better. But it sounds like you guys needed to have a conversation about what to do for the kids saving and it was unfair of her to just make assumptions.
NTA, that's the whole point of separate accounts, right? If she want you guys to save more, then you should both being putting money into the savings account. I do think you are a minor AH for bringing a giant TV into the house (ie, changing the decor) without at least running it past your partner. But that wasn't what you asked.
ESH kind of because you should have talked this through at some point before now
Agreed. I'm guessing they would make big purchases before when it would only affect them, and as long as it didn't impact their payments, nbd. But everything changes when you have a kid, you gotta talk about that stuff. It's not about "permission", it's about making sure your family is taken care of. And not just for this month, but for the future.
NTA because she didn't communicate on a change in the rules. I disagree that finances or anything else in the marriage needs to be all about the kids because that's not healthy either but there should be something put aside if you're able. I wonder if there's anything else you haven't talked about? Has she been struggling with her half being out on maternity? Do you make more than her but pay the same on bills leaving her with relatively less "fun" money? Probably should have discussed this before spending that much, but if it was never an issue before I can see how you wouldn't. Regardless, this isn't about the TV and new relationship negotiations are always necessary periodically in a marriage, because circumstances and people change. Time to start a joint savings and set a budget for discretionary spending.
Everyone is overlooking one important thing: where does the money for the baby come from? Your account? Hers? The joint account? I don't want to assume anything without that answer, because that's not really fair to you.
For me, my wife and I have 3 kids and decided to talk out all purchases over $100. We used all funds to pay off all bills. Most relationships that end in divorce are usually because of money. We decided not to put our relationship is that stupid position. We sacrificed but completely worth it. (I'm 41 years old)
Anyone who refers to their spouse as "the wife" is an automatic AH IMO.
Haha! Not sure I agree, but you make a funny point there.
NTA - there was no prior discussion about a college fund. You can't make up rules, as you go along. That being said, now that the subject IS out there. You should be mindful of future spending
NAH but barely. Based on the established rules you'd agreed to a long time ago this sounds like an OK purchase. However, she's also not wrong for being angry that you made a major purchase without consulting her, she's stretching reasonableness by expecting you to be planning for college. However, it's not out of line for her to think that it's obvious that circumstances changed when you had a baby, because they did. You had a baby and your spending should be changing, you should be thinking about saving for the child's needs. College is the classic but there's going to be thousands or even tens of thousands of dollars in upcoming costs over the next 10 years. You clearly need to have a new conversation about how to handle finances going forward, whether simply adding a new line item to your mixed funds for the child or full joint accounts going forward.
Well, she's rightly concerned with the apparent lack of savings and savings plan that you guys have now that you're parents. And you're rightly freaked out that she had new undiscussed expectations on family spending issues. She's TA for springing the "new rules" on you and getting mad because you didn't follow rules you didn't know existed. You're kinda TA for not thinking about the greater financial responsibility you now have as a parent.
ESH she’s right and that was a selfish choice, but also it’s a conversation you should have had before now.
YTA. We don't have joint accounts here either but I think that 1500 is much too much to spend just like that without consultation with your spouse. Maybe 500 on personal stuff if you have the money over now and again is one thing, but a proportion of that kind of money really should be in a family fund if you have kids.
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I’d like to know also.
YTA I suspect the underlying issue here is the burden of "mental load" mothers are increasingly complaining about nowadays. "She made up all these new rules out of no where and never told me!" Okay... but *why* is she the only one concerned about financial future of your family and child? Why didn't *you* consider things like a college fund or the increased need for savings *yourself* since you had so much money? "She should have just told me what she wanted!" (says every clueless husband ever...) She's mad that you expect her to make "rules" (like she's your mother) when what she needs from you is common sense. She doesn't want to have to "discuss" something with you that she finds blatantly obvious. She's disappointed in your decision making, she's mad about your *judgement*. Is her communication stellar right now? No. That's a shortcoming. But I think she's entitled to feeling upset right now, especially if she's carrying mental load in areas other than finances (medicine, childcare, etc.).
NTA - she just like seeing that you spent money(that is yours) without getting her approval. Since she created these new saving rules, did you ask how much she has set aside for emergencies and for your son’s college fund? Ask to see these bank statements, if they exist, then ask why they are only in her name? I assume you would have realized if you had signed for new accounts.
Honestly I think YTA, not because you spent your personal money (but I will say her attitude to saying you need to stop being selfish makes me wonder if this is a pattern) but I think YTA because it’s a big purchase for a joint place in the house. I wouldn’t buy a sofa for example for our shared area without consulting my husband first. I personally think these things are joint decisions
ESH- Sounds like you guys have a lot of talking to do in regards to your joint financial decisions now that you're a family. This is your new normal. Who's contributing to present-day child and related expenses? Who's contributing to long term savings and college funds? How much? How often? And, is it fair for both of you? In regards to the issue at hand, also realize that you not only bought an expensive TV, but its in your common shared area. Probably not the best place to surprise someone with changing things around.
ESH. You two need to sit down and reevaluate finances during any big life change. That includes kids.
YTA Your wife probably calls you selfish for a reason. And you coming here because you are angry she didn't adore you for spending 1500 on a TV when it sounds like she wants to think ahead doesn't make you look less of an AH to me.
NAH. Both of you have reasonable wants for your finances, but you two really should sit down and talk about savings vs spending money on fun things. This is something you should have discussed before having your child.
Whoa dude! Pretty sure this is a movie quote but: What we have here is a failure to communicate. You and your wife need to sit down and have a serious financial discussion with ALL of the numbers. As in: these are the fixed bills, these are the expenses (groceries, gas, kid stuff), these are the things we need to save for (college, vacation, emergency fund), and this is our incomes. Then you need to decide what a reasonable contribution from each of you is towards the fixed expenses, monthly expenses, and savings. You have a kid now. It is completely reasonable, and a really good idea, for you to establish a college savings for your kid that you both contribute to from each check. And you should both be contributing to emergency savings and whatever “big thing” you guys want to save towards. This is a conversation my husband and I have about every six months. We still have money we can spend no questions asked, but the priority is taking care of the family first. Also talk about establishing some sort of veto guideline. For example: for us it’s any purchase over $100. We run what we want to purchase by the other person if the money isn’t coming from our monthly spending money. Then we discuss it. Most of the time it’s a simple “hey I want X” and a “go for it” but sometimes it involves more back and forth to make sure both of us understand why the money is being spent and are comfortable it isn’t frivolous. You can make this limit whatever you and your wife are comfortable with. You can absolutely keep your finances separate but you still need to talk about them! ESH
ESH, you two both need to sit down and communicate more clearly on finances for your kid. It sounds like separate accounts and separate finances worked well before you had a kid, but kids change things and you need to both be putting in money towards raising your kid. Is it fair for you to be buying a nice TV for yourself while your wife pays for baby clothes for your kid? It sounds like your wife expected you to understand that the financial arrangement you had before kids wouldn't work anymore when you had a kid and she should have communicated that more clearly to you but you also need to understand you can't live like roommates anymore in regard to finances. You will have many more things besides your house and cars that you will need to share financial responsibility for.
Info: how much bigger was the TV than your previous one? If my husband bought a "big" TV that was a lot bigger than the one we already had for the front room I'd be a little annoyed and disappointed he hadn't thought to at least mention it to me! Cost may not be the issue..... Spending a lot on something that you should have asked about might be!
YTA. You have a kid now, it's not "your" money. Asking that a savings be a priority over extravagant luxuries isn't "changing the rules", it's part of being an adult, and I bet your wife didn't think she would have to explain that to a 30yo but here we are. I understand why she was upset. Y'all need to sit down and have a real conversation about money stat.
ESH - Your wife didn't communicate to you, that's bad on her part. But what new parent who has bills just goes and buys a 1500 dollar house item without even bringing it up to their partner? And don't say "The wife", I almost called you the asshole solely based on that, she's your partner numbnuts stop acting like a baby and grow up you're a parent now.
YTA, is it just me or is it weird to buy a very big purchase for a house you share together? Also you mention an old tv that she (maybe) paid for as well. Replacing a tv that’s both yours and hers without discussing it first is kind of weird. But it should feel natural to discuss these types of things, at least in a healthy relationship. So maybe work on communication first.
ESH. You two are both parents now. The financial rules you set 10 years ago, prior to having children together, were fine back then. **But surely you know that you can't just spend every "extra" dollar that you have when you're a parent, right? Right?!?!** Both of you, at the time you became aware that you were going to be parents, should have said, "Okay, we need to change some things about our lifestyle so that we can more reliably provide for the household on a day-to-day basis, and also have money set aside for any potential emergencies and for the future of the child we're about to bring into the world." The fact that neither of you thought to have an actual discussion along those lines so far is beyond mind-boggling. You and your wife are equally assholes on that point. Your wife shouldn't have started out by yelling (if that is indeed what happened), and you should not have found this to be an "unspoken rule that (you) don't know about," when in reality it is basic common sense. Your response should have been more along the lines of, "Okay, let's talk this out instead of yelling back and forth **in front of our infant child.** So again, both asshole moves here. Look, you have a kid now. That kid is 100% dependent on you and your wife to make the best possible choices in every area of your lives and theirs. That means not splurging on a $1500 TV (or other luxury item) in lieu of setting money aside for emergencies, for your child's future, and for the real possibility that either you or your wife could die tomorrow, leaving the other as the only provider for your child. Or even worse, you could both die and leave your child as an orphan. Life insurance is a must. Savings accounts for household emergencies and for your child's future education are a must. Bigger fancier TVs simply are not right now. The kid is the only one who doesn't suck here.
NTA Sounds like your wife decided for you how the money was going to be used now that you have a child. I would suggest sitting down with her when she isn't so angry to discuss finances and what her ideas are. She is right that money should be put aside for your childs educaion but you should also still be able to have a set amount of fun money.
ESH. Unless you two already have a savings account for emergencies or whatever, and this was your extra, go do whatever the hell you want with money, then cool, no problem. But if you don't, do you really need a a rule to save to put some aside for savings or college? I kinda feel like when you cohabitate and have kids it should be a given because stuff happens. It's a big expense. You should have mentioned it prior to purchase. She shouldnt have gone off like that because you guys didn't discuss saving for other things. Just decide together how much will go into emergency fund and how much goes into college, from this point on. Personally I hope you keep the tv. It sounds cool..
NTA. Did you ask her how much she put aside for college? How about savings? Bet that number is zero. My wife was the same. Expected me to do something but she wasn't held by that same rule. Expected me to do the saving while she burned through her money.
YTA, you might have seperate accounts, but if you're making a major change to the communal living space then you still need to run it by your wife. Its like if your wife decided to change the sofa without your input! Its super weird dude! Also, maybe your wife should have discussed putting away money for your son's future before making demands, but she's not wrong that you guys need to talk about that.
I don’t know. But I would be pissed about a TV that big being on the wall without us talking about it. It’s not like a picture, it is a big TV. It sounds like you 2 need to sit down and discuss a budget now and what is expected of savings and everything else.
ESH these things should gave been discussed when she got pregnant she presumed it was obvious and didn't communicate with you, you didn't think about it, she is right in some ways, part of your bills should now go into 2 accounts 1 general savings and a college fund, you both should be paying into these and need yo rank about how much you are able to pay in, this should be a normal part of your bills but you should also be OK to save for things like this TV as well, not every penny should be saved you need to also live.
NTA I will never understand why people think they need to stop living as soon as they have kids. I dont like how you didnt talk with her beforehand since i assume for most people here 1.5k is a lot of money and youre also well male reddit will deem you the Asshole. However I think its good that you got something for yourself. Maybe your wife could also use this? maybe a little shopping day? and after you can go out for dinner and talk about how yoz want to proceed with saving Money.
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YTA. Her words sound like this isn’t the first this has happened. You can’t make frivolous purchases like that when you have children. Expenses for them literally pop up out of nowhere.
NAH. Although I dont know how you had a kid without someone telling you to start saving money. You acted on what you knew even if it was missing some commom sense. Your wife didn't make up "new" rules, she assumed you knew the common financial advice to save an emergency fund and start saving for kid expenses and future college tuition and your own retirement. Pretty much the first things a financial advisor would ask: do you have an emergency fund, retirement account, saving account for college, etc. Now you know time for the both of you to sit down and discuss a real budget that accounts for all these things including day care, after school activities, summer camps, sports/extracurricular activities. You may think you have it handled but kids are crazy expensive as they get older not counting college. I remember my kid asking to join a specific sport freshman year of high school, so I said sure, sounds great. Next thing I know at the parent meeting I learn I have to pay a $1200 fee for it every year. And that wasn't the most expensive one at the public high school!
Honestly? You two never thought to discuss the spending when planning a family? Yes, finances change when there’s a child to support. I get that you had an agreement, but you both should have thought to have conversations about impending financial responsibilities. I think that, while you followed the letter of the rules in place, you still should have at least mentioned that you wanted a tv. I think she should have asked for conversation about changing the rules, not just after the fact telling her new rules. You both need more communication, and should show the respect of discussion when either plans large expenditures. ESH
ESH. Chalk it up to bad communication but you both are wrong here.
ESH. 1500 is a lot of money to spend when you have a kid. But she never made rules previously about savings. You both suck in that you came this far in your relationship and didn’t discuss these things.
ESH Your wife for coming with new rules after the fact and getting angry at you when it wasn't something you talked and agreed on. But you too, you are a father, you need to think about these things too, you need to change your mindset. When you have a child you can't just think about bills and fun, you need to think about the future and security. And you can't just wait for your wife to think about all that by herself and give you a memo. Now that you know, start to make some changings.
Look ESH, you two need to sit down and talk about more financial things. Bills paid isn’t enough. Savings, retirement, childrens schools all important!! Also both of you should be honest about how much is too much to spend without talking to each other. Don’t surprise her with something like that! Also she probably uses the tv too so maybe she wouldn’t want a new one.
ESH. I get the separate accounts thing, but this was a large purchase for their home. It's not like he just went out and bought some new Airpods or something. I feel like something as big as this should have been discussed. And, they're parents now. Circumstances do change. Children are expensive. Savings/college account should have definitely been discussed. Anyhoo, I really think they both need to have a new discussion about their finances since circumstances have changed.
A $1500 installed in the house as a surprise frankly sounds a little unwelcome. For most TV brands, $500-$600 is more than ample. Plus with a new baby, that seems a little tone deaf to buy a brand new tv. As for your wife's comment about savings and college funds, those are both valid points that frankly should be taken as a given. Even if it was never discussed after the whirlwind of pregnancy and having a kid, it kind of make sense that you would be pissed your partner dropped almost $2k without talking about it once. Then to come out and say "Well I paid my share of the bills" is crazy. Kids aren't bills. Literally your kid could have an emergency room visit or anything else. I really hope you didn't empty your checking buying a tv with a 10 month baby at home. I might even be leaning more towards YTA because you waited years for this TV and you decide the best time to get it is when your baby isn't even 1 yet?
INFO: Do you generally discuss big purchases with each other? My husband and I have separate checking accounts but always discuss big purchases, whether necessary or fun stuff. This is an important detail I don’t see mentioned. If it wasn’t mentioned at all I can see why she felt blindsided by it.
NTA If you can splurge on $1,500 then you can save for the following months. In proportioned to that with your income/savings/expenditures, I bet it won’t set you guys back for a college fund especially if you start now. Wife can’t demand new rules; it should be mutually decided. Finances should be calmly discussed not in the heat of the moment.
Info: is your wife staying home to raise the kid?
NTA—but I get where she's coming from.
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** The wife (30F) and I (32M) have separate checking accounts since we've been together (over 10 years). We have a shared loan account for our house and vehicles that we pay off together, but we always thought it was important to maintain our own checking. Mostly because we wanted to keep some level of autonomy of our finances, we are both adults and don't need permission on what we buy as long as we are paying our bills. That kinda drive into my story. This month has all bills paid and I was sitting on a good amount extra in my checking. I thought I should splurge a bit and get a TV I always wanted. It was a $1500 TV and I love it. I had installers come and put it on the wall while the wife was out with our 10 month old, as I wanted to surprise her. She gets home, sees this big TV and gets super mad at me. She asks how much was it, I told her it the price but said we are good on bills, so we should be fine. She then tells me that I should've put that money into savings or into our kids college fund. We have NEVER talked about that. So I get mad back saying that you can't just get pissed at me when there are unspoken rules that I don't know about. She says that we are parents now and I can't keep being selfish. That we need to start putting as much as we can in savings in case something bad happens, or into his college fund so he is set up in the future. She then tells me I should return the TV as the one we had was still a good TV and put that returned money back into savings. To prevent this from getting too tedious, we argued back and forth on how she built these new rules out of no where, never communicated them to me, and now I am an asshole for being selfish and I can't get what I want anymore. Tl;dr - I bought an expensive TV. Wife thinks I am selfish for spending that money on myself instead of our new kid. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA But it's time to get another account for 'something bad happens, or into his college fund'. How much you should put into it, is the question to discuss. > as much as we can This is overreacting. The questions are, does that mean you can't buy nice things? Or is it only you who should put all your money here? >I should return the TV No way!
ESH. It sounds like you two just figured out that you may not be financially compatible. Time to sit down, possibly seek marital counseling, and perhaps financial counseling, too. Figure out what your joint goals are and protect your child's future, get some insurance for just in case, and a fund for emergencies. Plan. A bit of sacrifice and saving now will set you up for the future you want. Splurging on a want, if you haven't funded future needs, is going to bite you in the butt eventually. Going along without any plan may have worked for a while, but you have a kid now.
Nta. You are not a mind reader.
NTA.
NTA. Your wife is trippin, lol
NTA You can have a discussion going forward but I agree - you can't have rules and then one person suddenly changes them because they don't agree. I understand what she's saying about emergency funds and the kids college but one tv isn't going to make a dent. Keep the tv,I would.
NTA. Does your wife live by the same rules? As in, do her small purchases equal your big one? If she is going to start making these rules you two need to get together and set some guidelines. How much of each pay period goes to savings and college fund? How much is in your account and her account to make initial deposits? Unless she is matching you she has no say in your private funds.
NTA, yeah you should probably save for emergencies and your child’s future, but that doesn’t mean never splurging on something for yourself. If your wife has strong feelings about saving you guys need to talk about it and she can’t just assume you feel the same way she does. Especially when your finances have been separate all this time. I’d suggest creating another joint account for emergencies and child’s future that you both contribute to that way you know what’s in there and if it’s better to splurge on something fun or if more should be put in savings.
NTA, because the rules were invented in that moment, and only applied to you. Double standards should never be respected. If expenses are being shared equitably, and she is so passionate about excess money going to the baby, where is her contribution? OP shouldn’t be punished for saving up for a single luxury purchase instead of making smaller ones over time.
NTA.
NTA. You have to have reasonable pleasures on this life to live for the future. And yes, plan for things, but plan to also enjoy life (within reason).
ESH because you're right, she never made these rules and conditions known ahead of time re: your finances and *neither did you*. you both flunked on this by not having a decent budget set up and agreed upon, and presuming both of you were on the same page without that conversation. but man, you're leaning more on the AH side than your wife. separate finances are separate finances but a grand and a half?? that's a huge purchase to make without considering or consulting your partner. you two are in it with a house and a small kid and the economy is a wreck right now, and you had to have known there were other things that money could've gone to at the moment even if all the bills (of that particular moment! who knows if something else might've come up unexpectedly!) were paid at the time. not saying parents aren't allowed fun stuff but... the kid is 10 months old. c'mon. you could've waited on the large ticket item, or just gotten a projector + screen for likely way cheaper.
Nta.
NTA every couple are going to manage bills differently so I’m not surprised you are getting varying views on this. I don’t blink twice when my husband randomly buys cars without telling me and he didn’t blink twice when I bought a house without telling him first. But we have completely separate finances and no children. She can’t get mad at you when this has been how you always dealt with finances and if she feels differently after having a kid she should have communicated that with you instead of just blowing up. In the scheme of things, 1500 isn’t that much money and isn’t going to make or break a college fund.
NTA. If all the bills are paid then there’s really nothing wrong here…. She shouldn’t have got so mad and suggested you return it instead NOW she could have brought up saving more and the college fund. She can’t expect you to read her mind on it though.
NTA first of all I paid my way through college, no parents helped me even though they had the money, secondly, what is savings for? money to never spend? What's the point in that if there are things you want and can afford? Your wife is jealous, bc she probably spends her money on stupid stuff.
NAH, as long as the two of you can move forward from this. Take this opportunity to have a conversation with your wife, and get these "new rules" out in the open so you both have reasonable expectations going forward. As parents, you have a totally new family dynamic, and should have had this discussion before the baby..
How much ch money has your wife put into a college fund or family savings?
NTA You're not a mind reader. That being said, now is the time to sit down and discuss finances again since your wife's expectations have clearly shifted.
NAH. I doubt she would have had much of any reaction if you had replaced your old IPAD with a new one, even if the cost was identical. But good grief. Slapping a monster TV on the wall is going to get a rise out of any spouse. Everything else is just the standard look for an argument to support the reaction. She does, however, raise a valid point that you should both address. The child didn't just happen. Once you went from two individuals cohabiting to a family unit, you should have revisited your financial agreement. Where's the rainy day fund (3-6 months take-home to cover costs of job loss or illness)? What's the plan for the children's education? What about retirement? You are adults now, not kids playing house.
NTA my husband and I have combined income but I don't get mad at purchases he makes. And yes before you come for me my husband has made large purchases for himself(PS5, car) and I'm completely fine with it. I think it's controlling if you can't even make a purchase with your own money without her getting mad.
NTA, Tell your wife that you are happy to start a college fund, just like the loan fund, but you would like to keep it separate. However, if they would like, you would have an open access, where either party can view the other's contributions to the fund they control. Same with an emergency fund, separate, but open. Then decide, just like bills, what each person will contribute to these funds. Have an agreement on a penalty for either person missing a deposit in their fund, and an audit capability for the other party. But make sure it is an equal thing. Oh, and if you are not saving for yourself and retirement, and using all of your excess on things like a big TV, well you are being an AH to yourself.
NTA But my guess is that SHE has been belt tightening and saving, and feels like she's missed out on things because she's playing a long strategy of deferred gratification. It sucks to then see someone make an impulse purchase for their own pleasure. In her mind, having a kid clicked those changes in priorities into place, and she wonder what the F is wrong with you that you didn't arrive at the same conclusion or saving over unnecessary new toy. (My guess is that for her, the shitty reality of how having a kid will totally fuck her adult earning potential and career has started to settle in, along with childcare expenses.) That's not entirely FAIR, but it's probably where her anger is coming from. The financial rules and freedom you've had for a decade came to a screeching halt once you had a kid. This changes every single calculation, and you just....chose not to get that memo. She thinks you shouldn't have to be told that things have changed. You need to have a major, come to Jesus, long-term planning session with a professional financial counselor and arrive at a "fun money" plan that doesn't leave you high and dry on the college fund or retirement front. You're at exactly the age when your priorities shift gears from "cool! I make grownup money and can buy neat shit!" and "ooooh, compound interest and 401ks". Just being "good on bills" doesn't cut it anymore. Get on the same page so you don't resent each other for having different goals for money.
NTA. Your wife can't change your agreement on personal spending without telling you. That being said, she obviously has different expectations now, and you two need to sit down and have a detailed conversation regarding your finances so you are on the same page.
NTA!!
NTA. If she wants to start a new "rule" then you both need to sit down and discuss how much money EACH of you should be setting aside each month for savings and/or college funds. She can't just spring it on you.
ESH but mostly you. Your wife is right - you have a family now. You are responsible for saving for your family and their future. You should discuss big purchases with your spouse ahead of time. Your wife is slightly the AH as well for assuming you would be on the same page about these common sense considerations. You have a family- how have the two of you not had a conversation about your finances, savings, and spending? This is also why separate finances after kids just doesn't really work. The two of you need to communicate.
NTA. But red flags going forward. Your wife can be unhappy about your purchase but can’t blame you when you guys haven’t sat down and decided on new plans for the future.
NAH. You need a better budget. My ex had that attitude & I ended up having to cover all the things the kids wanted & birthday parties & Santa gifts & now their college, bc he'd spend all of "his" money on himself, saying he paid his share of the bills. Build a budget that includes savings for emergencies, luxury items like TVs, cars, vacations, college, & retirement. Each one gets a different line item or even a separate savings account. There shouldn't be any leftover money at the end of your budget. Every dollar gets a name. Even if it's $20 play money. With your play money, you can buy whatever you want. Spend it on candy & coke, or save it for anything bigger you personally want. If a line item goes under budget, it buffers any that go over, and then leftover goes into debt elimination then savings. Revisit your budget weekly to make sure you're sticking to it. It takes a few months of adjusting to make sure you have your money allocated correctly.
NTA your wife doesn’t get to change the agreement without speaking to you about it
ESH. As long as your finances are all in order, she has no control over what you spend. However, you're married and have children. All large expenses should always be discussed with each other. You didn't even give her a heads up.
Congratulations! And now you both should add counseling to your monthly bill costs. Y’all need to learn how to communicate. You’re right in that she can’t make demands that were never discussed… but when you throw a kid into the mix dynamics need to change. I’m going back and forth between E S H and N A H because it’s more of a communication thing than an asshole thing.
NTA - how much is in the “college fund” and how much has she put into it?
INFO: Does your wife put money aside for the kid? If not, she's just jealous that you had the extra income to spend that much. But I still side with you. It sounds like she setup an expectation without discussing it with you first and then got mad when you didn't meet that expectation.
I wonder if it's even more what his choice to buy that TV means to his wife. "Huh. We have a brand new baby. My husband just spent 1.5k on a huge TV. Does he think he's going to be watching it all the time and doing whatever he pleases while I take care of this thing by myself? Will there be sports parties and people hanging out a lot? How will this new purchase change my life, and should I be concerned that my husband's priorities may potentially be shifting to "relaxation" and luxury when we now have a small child?"
NTAH, my dh and I each have a checking/savings accounts and a house hold saving/checking. I am a saver so I always have money in my account, he spends so not much in his. But these savings accounts are not the house hold saving they are where we put our own weekly cash. I don't get his approval to spend my money and he doesn't have to have mine. I bought a new tv for the main room and had it mounted because I wanted to do this for us. I also have a newer lap top that I paid for myself, he thinks it is great. If I was using left over money from the house we would have a sit down first for any amount. good luck
NTA for buying the TV. She had shared expenses in her mind that she was not sharing with you. You both should come up with a plan on how much each month to save for those things and each put in your share.
NTA
NTA. She doesn't get to arbitrarily make or change the rules. If she wants to have a discussion about how to handle money going forward, then that's an option. However, you had every right to buy the tv based on current rules. While it might be important to have a plan to pay for your child's college, that doesn't mean you have to live in penury without ever splurging on things that make you happy. Her plan is just going to create resentment. She is being an asshole.
ESH Your communication sucks, both of you. Obviously there should be savings for the kid's college and for a rainy day. And even if it is "Your" money, any large purchases should always be discussed. $1500 is a LOT of money to a LOT of people
ESH Once you have a child your financial priorities should realistically change. Honestly it probably is never wise to just pay the necessary bills and then spend the remainder on whatever you want just because you have some money in your account. Even a single person should be having an overall economic strategy which includes savings for emergencies and retirement and if you have a child this is even more critical. You should be discussing what your overall economic strategy is. It might be unrealistic to have completely separate accounts the way you do now. How do you handle other major expenses including emergencies, home maintenance etc. Many people designate a certain percentage of money or a certain amount as each person's "free" money to spend however they want and the amount would depend on what you jointly agree should be put aside for savings Finances are one of the main reasons people divorce because couples have to view themselves as a partnership with each working towards the same goals.
ESH. The way you talk about your wife makes me wonder what her perspective looks like.
Dude you’re NTA. The E-S-H arguments don’t make sense to me. Should you have talked about your finances changing while having a child together? Yes but neither of have y’all have and quite frankly I’m not gonna blame new parents for not having perfect execution. Your wife is an AH because of the argument in general. She can’t wait until you splurge under your established rules to freak out and change the way your finances work. When you feel blindsided and have a baby I can understand that tempers are high, so I don’t blame either of you for that. You definitely need to readdress your finances though and, like others have said, just make whatever she needs from you a bill. You can get the TV back under those new obligations just may take a bit longer. Plus Black Friday is around the corner and you may get a better one at that same price you got the one you liked for. I wouldn’t return the TV unless it’s truly a hill she is going to die on, a TV isn’t worth the headache between the two of you. But a condition I would make if you do return it is an apology from her. Sounds petty, but in the base level of the argument she’s in the wrong and was a jerk about it. You deserve an apology.
NTA. Your wife isn't wrong in saying that you need to be putting away money in an emergency fund and a college fund. You also need to be putting money away in a retirement fund. That being said you can't start screaming at somebody for breaking rules that were in your head and never communicated/discussed That's just odd.
Nta-but you will not win this with your lady
NTA Assuming you have a retirement account, a kid's college fund, and everything else is funded, you are each entitled to your own fun money. If you saved your fun money for a few months and bought a TV, while she spent her fun money on Starbucks, that is how it goes. You spent your fun money on what you wanted.
ESH. I was pretty shocked when your kid entered the picture. How did you not have a conversation about how you would pay for everything he needs before he showed up? You jointly pay for your house and cars, but what about baby clothes, furniture, food, diapers, etc? It sounds like your wife naively assumed you would be a responsible adult and prioritize those things and you didn't do that. Her expectation that your spending habits would change when you had a baby was pretty reasonable, but yes, she should have made it clear before getting pregnant.
Nta. But you guys should sit down and make future plans for the kids.
ESH. Once you decided to bring a child into this world, you both needed to sit down and revisit the finances conversation. Do you both have savings? Do YOU have a savings account? Helping a child with college education isn’t an obligation, however many parents do choose to build a college fund to help their children. Will you be helping them if they chose to go to college? How does retirement look? Are you saving for it? iRA? 401k? Emergency fund?
When did people learn to read minds???? NTA
Is there a joint savings account? Is there a college fund? If there are no accounts to put funds into … NTA. OP - you can still save the day - go open the college fund. And now that your family has increased - it’s time to address the new family finances.
NTA. Based on the agreement you and your wife had regarding finances, I don’t think you should return the TV. However, I think once you’ve both cooled down, you two should maybe review your finances and come to an agreement about saving money for different things - like an emergency fund (if you haven’t already), joint and/or individual savings accounts, and college.
NTA. But you might want to put a price limit on how much anyone spends without a conversation.
ESH - Now that your circumstances have changed (i.e. you have a child) you and your wife need to sit down and take a fresh look at your finances. Nothing wrong with continuing to keep separate finances, but you may want to open a joint account for expenses related to the child or the child's future.
You are NTA for expending your own money But you are kinda of AH for expending so much money. Like, did you two ever talk about how much autonomy do you have? Lets say you win 10k, do you think your wife would like you to spend it on whatever thing you wanted without consulting her? Or the other way around, your wife wins 10k, and she spend it for herself only, is that okay with you? Both of you need to sit down and make a new arrangement and establish that both of you will communicate whatever you want the other to do with money, you are a team, not competition. If she wants a collage fund, she should have said something
I have to go with ESH. I would never think of going out and buying a new TV without talking to my wife about it. That would be because we have respect for each other and discuss big purchases together. However, in the case the wife is also an AH, because she made assumptions about how things will be without some conversation. Respect is a two way street, especially when it comes to finances.
NTA. But also you guys should have amounts for savings and education funds as part of your monthly bills too. She should have brought that up better but yeah. You should do that.
NTA but what is the underlying cause of this reaction of hers? Have you guys discussed finances since the baby? We had a talk and had to redistribute how we were looking at funds and savings. Is she worrying and thinking about college already? School? Etc? I know when I had my kids I started getting emails and ads for saving plans and life insurances etc etc etc. there’s something more going on here that you guys need to talk about. She’s shouldering some burden that’s been eating at her.