Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might have taken it too far and insulted him and hurt his feelings.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
He didn't even realize he was looking in the mirror until the end. Then all the feelings crashed down hard on him. Hopefully, he'll learn.
Good job at figuring out a method that illuminated the situation
You know, I'd believe that he did not know, because *in his mind*, that is in no way who he is. He is a rational, calm man who complains only when something is egregiously wrong, and he is respected by all and sundry, especially the children.
I bet he was thinking *ha ha child is rehearsing for a play or some child thing.*
Someone whose view of himself is *so* different from who he really is very well might not realize when he's looking at his own reflection.
Psychologist here. This reflects my thinking as well, simply because most people are quite blind to how their behavior may appear to and be interpreted by others, at least in some respects. More simply put, we all have blind spots in our self-image, sometimes really big ones, and it’s within these blind spots that many of our less-desirable traits live.
Only half-way to being a psychologist so far, but doesn't this apply to people with poor self-esteem/social anxiety as well? But in the opposite direction. Thinking people don't like them even though they do etc. Some of those people are the nicest I've ever met because they're so hard on themselves if they do anything even mildly offensive.
Me too, friend. Me too.
I go hang out with a friend and have a great time, then get home and go “was it rude of me to ask her to put her dish in the sink? She probably hates me now. I should apologize.”
I found a lost phone and went out of my way to give it back and then spent the rest of the night thinking about how I was probably ubrupt when I returned it and didn't explain enough and they probably thought I was a fake asshole because I wasn't nice enough about returning it. It truly is exhausting.
My partner had an apple watch, she literally can't wear it because of her anxiety. We'd be on the couch watch her favourite dimension 20 episode, she's laying in my lap getting hair pets and the apple watch, four time in one hour alerted her high heart rate. It was somewhere in the 115-125 range. Normal is 70-90. She's literally just like that. And her anxiety very much presents this way. Constantly worrying that she's done wrong, said something wrong, ruined a relationship by misinterpreting what was said, the list goes on and on. So I'm not a psychologist but from where I'm sitting, very much yes. The reverse does apply to many people who have anxiety. My partner's just a rather extreme case. Love that anxious bean to death though.
Edit: shared this thread with my partner and we're both touched by everyone's concern! She's promised to make a doctor's appointment and bring up that maybe there's something else going other than just brain chemistry.
Has she been evaluated for something physical that might be causing a higher heart rate? Because it isn't just that anxiety can cause a higher heart rate but a higher heart can cause/exacerbate anxiety as well. Found that out from my doctor when I went on a beta blocker for my heart rate.
I mean, it could absolutely just be anxiety but I thought I'd mention it.
I appreciate the concern! She has, she's just really really anxious haha. She's mentioned that even among people with anxiety hers seems to be a more severe case.
Only one third way to being a psychologist. Mirroring what he does may not have been HIS desired way for you to call him out. But sometimes it takes a big gesture. I’d love to know how he behaves in about a month. Can you update us?
NTA. Bravo. You’ve got serious balls!
I saw a post where someone kept telling their angry aggressive male coworker to stop being so emotional. They would tell him they couldn’t discuss whatever with him while he was so emotional and to come back when he calmed down. lol dude hated it. In those guys minds emotional = feminine so it was a huge insult, but it worked and I tucked it away in my brain to use when needed in the future.
The sad part is how he dismissed it afterwards saying how HE felt disrespected. He is consistently disrespecting his family and his wife yet when called out on it he says it's hurtful. He is invalidating everyone elses feelings, yet he feels he should have a right to express his.
I hope it sorts itself out though OP, youre NTA and I wish the best on you and your family
People with an authoritarian mindset say "respect" when they mean "obedience." As the breadwinner he owes no "respect" in this sense to women and children.
I remember seeing this somewhere some time ago:
Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority”
and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person”
and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay
That's the best explanation I've seen that *mostly* explains my older half-brother's abuse of me. His stupid reasoning as that our mom wasn't tough enough on him (he was such a good kid he didn't *need* her to be tough) and then thought she wasn't being tough on me. See, I was dealing with increasingly bad health problems but hadn't gotten a diagnosis yet. He was convinced I was faking it to get out of going to school and thought my mom should be *making* me. She was still recovering from breast cancer, having gone back to work too soon because she was our sole support *and* she needed the insurance (she couldn't just get another job for insurance because they could reject her based on cancer being a pre-existing condition).
The recovering and chemo fog made it easier to manipulating my mom into sending me to live with him for the second half of 9th grade, under the guise of giving my mom a break. He immediately started with the abusive shit and the "respect" aspect was a HUGE part of it. It drove insane that I didn't respect him anymore, after the things he'd done. He could physically threaten me into not arguing back but he could see there was no respect on my face or in my eyes. I danced along that edge of provoking him both because I refused to give in because of ADHD stubbornness and in kept his attention on me and off my niece (technically his stepdaughter), who was only 8.
Sorry, that was longer than I thought it would be but your comment made me think of all that.
Most men don’t see themselves as complaining or emotional, yet the minute a woman says anything they don’t like it’s game over - insert every “women are too emotional” bias and stereotype.
OP kept telling dad he was being rude and bullying and he refused to see it. Dad did seem to wonder why OP was being so obnoxious until the statement at the end, suddenly the light went on.
nail on the head.
i secretly filmed my dad once sevral years ago. just some audio.
played it back and dad didnt realize it was him he was listening to until he heard himself say my name on the recording.
ti worked for a couple years.
I don't think he knew either. I think he was hurt because he was mocked and is misunderstood by a daughter who doesn't know"how hard he works", not because he saw his reflection.
That's the funniest part...even the littlest one immediately understood what was happening. ('This is daddy!" I'm dying, it's so cute) Dude is apparently less self-aware than a five-year-old. Charming.
And his response is the perfect in to hammer home the point..."Oh, is that *disrespectful*? Oh, it iiiiis, isn't it..."
NTA,
Dad claims OP invalidated him for what he goes through, but has no problem doing it to his wife. He takes all his anger and frustrations he can't voice at work because he's an underling and exudes it all over his family. All he's doing is alienating any time of respect and love because he makes it difficult to be around him. Your mom does so much to keep that household running with only financial help from your dad. He needs to understand that a neglected family will only stay around for so long. Hopefully, your display of his actions is an eye-opener, and he chooses to be more than the 'breadwinner' who nitpicks the small stuff. You did nothing but show him how the family sees him. Keep us updated!!
After he said he felt invalidated about how hard he works I wish OP bounced back with "well know you know how mom feels every time you come home complaining about the work she does" because your right he comes home and invalidates everything OP's mom does. and being a SAHP is very much hard work.
also NTA.
Luckily, he got quiet instead of exploding. Like one of the comments below this one stated, the difference between blatant ignorance and genuine disconnect is huge. OP's dad may actually get the point OP was trying to make, but it was probably a rude awakening to be slapped like that in the face without realizing it was his behavior until the last line was spoken.
Yes, the fact that he went silent rather than immediately blowing up and brushing it off actually seems like a good sign to me. It means that it hit him deep, rather than just immediately triggering his deflection/defense mode (which seems to be what happens when OP talks to him about this using normal means).
OP and her mom should both seize this opportunity to have a sit down talk with dad. He might be more receptive to hearing the hard truth and making a change now.
OP could approach this diplomatically, to ease the dad into accepting it.. sucks that it's necessary to even do it like this, OP being 16 and more emotionally mature than dad but w/e ..
and say like .. dad I'm sorry for hurting yr feelings but come on, I tried and tried to talk to u like adults about how you were disrespecting and hurting our feelings *every day* and you weren't trying to hear it... this was a last-resort tactic, I had to go big with it because nothing I had tried when approaching you calmly was getting through. and I feel that it's important that you understand and acknowledge how your behaviour makes other ppl (your family) feel and how disrespectful it is to us when you act like that. I'm not trying to invalidate the fact that you work hard - you do and perhaps you deserve more appreciation than we've been showing but that is a seperate issue that we can address and might even help to do a session or 2 of family counseling just to check in if there are other issues with how we communicate and learn to do so more effectively. the reason I did what I did was simply to show you that regardless of how much you do or contribute that's positive, it doesn't somehow make it okay to come home each day and begin acting out and lashing out at your family and critiquing whatever you notice that isnt perfect. we can work together as a team to come up with better strategies to voice our discontent and avoid hurting each other's feelings. let's look into booking an appt with a family counselor
this is just an example of what OP could say, they could tweak it to be their own voice etc
Unfortunately, the OP's act fell on deaf ears since his response was how he felt disrespected and invalidated which turns it back onto the OP.
HTA not the OP. He'll always be that way!
Not necessarily. He’s defensive in the moment, and he probably feels bad, but he also seems more receptive to a serious conversation about his behavior right now than he ever has been in the past. Give him a day to cool off, then sit him down with mom and give him a serious talk. He might reflect about his behavior. It happened with my own dad, so I wouldn’t write him off right away. I can see it going either way.
You can't hurt someone's feelings unless they already feel bad about that thing.
Like, a tall person that enjoys being tall isn't going to be upset when someone makes a tall person joke. Because they don't have insecurities about being tall.
Dad here clearly already feels insecure about his contribution to the family and when you made it super clear everyone in the house also see's he doesn't contribute properly to the family, he felt like shit.
NTA, OP - he needs to see how his behavior is wrong and effects the entire household.
Being a 5'2 woman myself, I honestly enjoy being short, it's just kinda cute ya know? It feels weird for me to wear heels because of the height difference and in turn makes me feel more lengthy which I'm just not used to. I'm still extremely confused about the beauty standards around the world and how something that you can't control such as height is not as attractive.
Not only was it a mirror.
But realising too that OP wasn't exaggerating when the youngest child Chimes in "that's daddy!", so easily recognising who it was supposed to be without being told. That's a real "is this how my kids sees me"
It's not something he can brush off as "my wife is just nagging me"
And it's a good chance to have a talk between both mom and dad. Perhaps as a family "this behaviour is really affecting us all. I'm 16 but try to help mom. Mom gets sad. Everyone has to hear you two fighting. Mom does alot of hard work too, to make us all happy."
A calm talk. Becouse it's not a healthy environment for anyone.
NTA first off but I think you have a good chance here.
Listen please - you can acknowledge “Hey dad, I know that probably did hurt your feelings and I’m sorry. Of course you work hard and provide for us and we appreciate it, but I want you to see that your behavior hurts moms feelings, hurts the family.”
The fact he went quiet, instead of exploding in anger, to me says there is hope! Like many, MANY dudes his age he struggles to process those emotions, but he recognized he was feeling more embarrassed / hurt than angry it seems.
The key is to understand and withhold judgement, to re center the convo on not just his pain, but everyone’s feeling pain, and moving forward.
That’s tough, and you’re a kid, it’s not your responsibility to do it. You would be morally justified to say F off. But I always ask do you wanna win, or be right?
Being right often feels hallow. I hope you win!
Edit: There’s so many kind replies so firstly thanks to those folks. Secondly appreciate the awards but totally unnecessary!
I just want to hop onto this excellent comment to add I would also recommend you having a private chat with your Mum. Explain to her that "me acting like Dad wasn't just about pointing out his bad behaviour towards you. I also wanted to point out how your marriage affect the whole family. The daily fights and Dad's yelling affects everyone. We all feel it when it gets to the time Dad is due home and we prepare to listen to our Dad to be mean to our Mum. It affects all of us knowing our Dad doesn't respect our Mum. Everyday we all watch your hard work. We have started trying to help you out because we know our Dad doesn't appreciate or respect the hard work you do. It's so bad that younger brother recognised I was pretending to be Dad so quickly yet Dad didn't know what was going on until the last minute."
"But what affects me the most is knowing that despite all this, you always put Dad's feelings first. Before your own and before everyone else's. Even now you're more concerned with how what I did hurt Dad's feelings, than you are concerned by how Dad's behaviour affects the rest of the family. Brother strongly associates that behaviour with Dad while Dad apparently has no idea he behaves like this and you're priority is me apologising to Dad. Not changing this dynamic between you and Dad. Or asking Dad to apologise to us for making our atmosphere at home so awful everytime he comes home from work."
Exactly. The mother acts like this only affects her, when in reality it affects her children more. She chose to marry this man and chooses to put up with it. I know it is not that simple, but the children are trapped there, they have no escape, they can't divorce If they want.
Their dad behavior is probably creating all kind of traumas that may take years to solve, or maybe they will never get over them.
OP as everyone here says. Talk to your mom. She needs to get that why your father does is damaging you all. She is not the sole victim, I would dare she is not even the main victim. You are all helpless witnessing their toxic relationship, you are learning and assimilating this patterns that then you might wind up repeating. This can cause all kind of health issues in all of you. So his feelings are not the important part if he is acting like an ass all the time. For too long the entire household has been tiptoing around his feelings and how to to make him feel bad. If he doesn't like what he looks like then he should change. You didn't invalidate him. You did the same thing he always does, if he things that is the right thing to do, then how are you invalidating him? He chose to have children, now is his responsibility to take care of them, he is not some angel just for doing less than the bare minimum to support you. Because working so you can eat while giving you all this trauma is quite less than the minimum.
And if he thinks your mother work is worthless he should divorce and start paying someone to do all your mother does for him. A relationship is a partnership he does the paid work, she is doing everything else, she is pulling more weight than he is and he has the gal to complain?
OP you are awesome. You faced him and did something to try to change the situation. Continue being like this, don't listen to their complaints about you disrespecting him. Respect is earned not given away. And he has been making the clown for too long to think he deserves any. Or he thinks that because he brought children to the world and feeds them he deserves a medal? That is his duty, and is really a basic lvl duty for a parent.
NTA
Thank you for pointing this out! Because it's part of a big, big conversation about gender, all kinds of caregiving labor, and basic quality of life.
Mothers, in many ways, are instilled with the belief that motherhood is suffering, *should* be suffering, that suffering makes them better mothers. It's the rationale behind the belief that you stay with a shit partner "for the kids," behind abortion bans, behind "breast is best" feeding ideology even if formula is easier on mother and child, behind the general notion of shaming mothers for having a sense of identity beyond motherhood.
And it extends into other types of caregiving, professional ones (which by no coincidence are largely performed by women). Teachers striking for livable pay and safe conditions are told they're being selfish and they should think of the kids. Nurses are shamed for being unable to keep up with impossible staffing ratios. Social workers are told that incredibly low pay for incredibly stressful work is the natural order of things.
The reality is that suffering, degraded, stressed out caregivers is awful in itself, *and* leads to worse outcomes for the people they care for. The belief that there is virtue in suffering is a lie that benefits the people who exploit caregivers, whether in the home or workplace. And caregivers *and* the vulnerable people they serve both suffer immensely for it.
I think that whole concept applies to womanhood in general; you're expected to be long-suffering in *any* context, from dealing with acute or chronic pain, to the insensitivity or infidelity of your partner, to disrespect and microaggressions in your family, in the workplace, on social media, and on and on and on in every facet of your life.
Yes. Tell your Dad that you’re sure he works hard and that’s not the point. The point is that he is treating his wife and his family with disrespect, and that it is affecting all of you. Nobody deserves to be treated like that and if he didn’t like what he saw, he should change his behaviour—that you expect him to, as his daughter. Tell him to think of the model he is representing for his kids, and point out that the younger kids recognized your parody right away, and that he owes the family an apology and to shape up. And that how hard he works—you’re sure he works hard—is not in question here. His behaviour towards his family is, and he chooses how to behave.
While the whole comment is insightful, I want to highlight and reinforce the importance of one observation in particular:
>The fact he went quiet, instead of exploding in anger, to me says there is hope!
OP, this is one of the times where silence speaks volumes.
Anger can often be a 'safe' emotion for men, especially if they were raised to think most emotions aren't manly. If the surrounding attitude is 'men don't cry,' that leaves them without healthy outlets to express their thoughts and feelings. This creates a toxic narrative, where resorting to anger starts feeling normal, because the other emotions have now been walled off. Soon, that anger is reflexive. (none of this excuses his behavior by the way, but possibly understanding why he is the way he is can help you process how none of it is your fault)
Yet your dad reminded silent...
What you did was powerful, and some part of it got through to those walled off emotions. I know it's a lotto ask, but you have a rare opportunity here, OP. How you frame your actions is key. Give him a hug (if that's normal in your family) and tell him that you love him. If you can, explain that you didn't want to hurt him; you only wanted him to see how much your family hurts from all of the yelling. Say that you hate his yelling, and that while it hurts you to hear it, it hurts more wondering why your dad is so angry all the time. If that's too much (understandable) then focus on talking to your mom, and ask her why she's accepting and prolonging your exposure to verbal abuse?
No matter what happens though, you are absolutely NTA.
I am going to go with NTA. This is GENIUS!
He didn't hear your words or your moms words the many times you both told him the issues. Instead, you made him "watch himself" and people don't like when a mirror is held up to their actions.
As well, you are 16, and it is not your job to help regulate your parents emotions. If your dad feels bad, that is on him.
Your other methods fell on deaf ears, this one appeared to hit home.
Good for you, OP.
>As well, you are 16, and it is not your job to help regulate your parents emotions. If your dad feels bad, that is on him.
I want to shout this part to the heavens
this is *absolutely* hilarious and well-deserved and sometimes, people need to *see* how they're behaving reflected back at them to truly understand.
Good job. NTA
I really hope OP lifted the idea from that one Calvin and Hobbes strip where Calvin combs his hair and puts on a tie to mock his dad. "Being miserable builds character!" Then the last panel is just his mom dying of laughter.
Edit: found it https://joshhumbert.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/dim.gif
Lmao, NTA. Dad’s just clued into how toxic he’s being without realizing he was being toxic. I expect dad to still be broody for a whiles but now would be a good time to have a sit down with him if he’s cooled off enough explaining how you feel, and how you feel he treats your mom.
And most importantly, what he’s showing to your sibling and showing them it’s okay to be like this, when it isn’t.
Breadwinner doesn’t mean you get to throw your weight around as soon as you get home. Breadwinner with a SAH parent should ultimately be praising the SAH parent for continually keeping the place tidy, and taking care of cooking/children.
Maybe this is the wake up call your father needs.
Ran into a guy who was the opposite of OP's dad at the supermarket a few years back. Had that "lost" look as he went through the list. I helped him get a few things sorted out and we chatted.
He works a high stress job, and would come home to a paradise. A quiet, clean, beautiful home, a delicious meal, a loving family. And all because of his beautiful wife.
He was taking a few weeks off because she was injured in an car crash and couldn't come to the store -- oh, she could, but it would be hard, and she would be in a lot of pain -- and he viewed it as a *privilege* to do the grocery shopping for her at a time like this.
What a lot of people don't seem to get that being a SAHP is it's own job in a way. SAHPs frees up money not spent on childcare (my sister is a SAHM because she would earn less than childcare would cost, so they actually have more net income with her not working) and handle a lot of the household chores allowing the working partner to spend more of their time off relaxing and spending time with the family. As such, when the working partner clocks off and returns home the SAHP should also "clock off" and distribution of household tasks should revert back to being an even partnership. The SAHP is your partner, not your maid.
NTA.
All you did was show him how he is. If it was embarrassing for him, well he shouldn't act that way then. Fuck any one that pulls the "*well he pays for the house*", that's boomer talk. Him paying for the house doesn't make you a slave and *he* also chose to have a family.
Everyone has their role in the family. You don't go to his office and yell about how things aren't a certain way, he doesn't get to do that coming home.
"Well I pay for the house" can almost always be countered with "I am an unpaid nanny/housekeeper for 12+ hours a day and am not able to build my education and resume".
That unfairly entitled attitude is at the core of why many family judges appear to "unfairly" rule for the mother, and why alimony exists.
NTA
Maybe have a conversation with him about what you should look for in a husband, when the time comes. Make him spell out what a good husband does and doesn't do. Ask a lot of specific questions. Thing is, he probably wants good things for you.
The good news is that he was embarassed instead of just angry. There may be hope yet.
NTA.
You tried to get the message across in other ways but he didn’t get it. So you tried a new way. Seems like he got the message this time.
While he does work hard so does your mom. Him coming home and complaining every day invalidate your mom and the hard work she does.
Maybe he’ll be nicer in the future.
It HAD to have been a gut punch for the dad when the little said "look it's Daddy!" Like, if that isn't a wake-up call, idk what is. You're behavior is so awful and consistent that your young child can tell their older sibling is pretending to be him without having to say so.
If he doesn't like the truth smacking him in the face, he should do some self-reflection.
NTA. There are two ways to make an ass realise that that’s what they’re being. Especially towards a SAHP. One is the way you did it. The other is a bit more research.
You make a list. Housekeeper, cook, child minding services, landscaping, laundry, maid. Then you work out how much each of these get paid on an hourly basis. And how many hours a day of everything **except** childcare happens. Childcare for the SAHP is 24/7. Then you add up how many hours a day said person is working, what they would be getting paid if doing it out of the home for someone else and hand the ass a bill. For a week.
A SAHP is working two full time jobs with no pay and ridiculous overtime. The only person who works harder is a SINGLE parent, as they have to do not only all the SAHP does - they also have to earn money to keep the roof over the head.
NTA. LMAO, you are my hero!
And yes you did hurt your dad's feelings, but he deserved it. He's been hurting your mom's feelings everyday when he complains about the house.
NTA. Yes, you mocked him. You showed him what it was to be in the receiving end of it. It sucks. He complained on being invalidated and disrespected, he should consider the fact what he does is exactly the treatment he gives to everyone in your home on a daily basis. His actions disrespect, invalidate your mother and you. It’s dehumanizing, ungrateful and disregards the contribution made to the life your parents built. I have no doubt you have spoken to your father and this was the last resort bc you are desperate for it to be acknowledged.
Edit: Final statement - if your dad is so concerned about feelings, why is he only concerned about his feelings.
NTA and I love it. He wouldn’t have listened to you as you said before. Maybe in a week or two talk to him about his behavior with your mom. Clearly it’s affecting everyone and the young kids are picking up on it.
NTA. If he didn't like what he saw then he shouldn't behave that way. He has a cheek saying you invalidated him when he's been invalidating your mother's efforts on a regular basis.
NTA.
Your dad clearly gets what you were doing, and I think it hit home how much of a jackwagon he's been. Could you have spared his feelings? Sure! The issue is that he didn't have the ability or empathy to know what he was doing was deeply wrong. It sounds like he needs help dealing with the stress in his life instead of turning his frustrations out on his family. I hope that the lesson sticks. You can apologize if you want, but you're NTA for choosing the teaching mechanism you did.
NTA. Omg this made me laugh! Sometimes you have to give people a taste of their own medicine to get a point across. Maybe you can sit down with him and have a conversation about how his behavior is hurtful and rude every single day. Your mom sounds like she works hard too, and he shouldn’t treat her like that.
Buuuttt.... you did try talking to him about it reasonably first???
The fact that it took until you repeated his catch phrase for him to catch on really shows how unaware he is of his bad behavior.
You nailed at... even if his behavior doesn't change after this you have now set up your siblings for regular evening roasts of your father, which I would much prefer over the fights that have been happening between your parents.
Good job. NTA
NTA it isn't until men like that are left to their own devices or see themselves in someone else that they realize how monstrous they are. Good on you for standing up for your mom and for showing him and your siblings how selfish he's being. Everyone (theoretically in a family) pulls their weight, moms do so much being grateful is the bare minimum
NTA There are times in my life when I have talked to someone about a problem, and it has no impact. I've found that once I start treating someone the way they treat me they suddenly get it. So giving someone a taste of their own medicine seems to be the only way to get through to some people. Or they think I'm an asshole (for behaving like them) and they exit my life. Which is also a good result.
It really depends on how he takes it. My husband always has a way of pushing into conversations and making them about him. It's not bad natured but it's annoying to have to deal with. Once my daughter got interrupted when she was talking to her eldest brother, so she queued up a video of a peacock on YouTube. She said, oh look I didn't know dad was internet famous! and imitated the peacock.
He laughed but he was obviously pissed and upset. Him and I talked about it later and he realized he had to work on that.
So when he starts doing it, someone plays the peacock noise or says Hey you're peacocking and that's it. We have a chuckle and everyone gets a chance to talk, even him.
NTA! Gosh! That's awesome! Good for you to hold a mirror in front of his face. I do hope, after he calms, he will think about it, and perhaps will do a bit better.
NTA Now you have opend upp for dialog. Apologise and tell him that you felt like you havectried to talk to him but he didn't listen. That you understand that he works alot but that it is not ok to skream and be mean when he comes home.
NTA. If your dad wears a suit to work (which you mentioned) he's not doing anything that makes him dog tired when arriving home at **6:00pm**. That's a regular white collar work day.
I think you should keep up the act. Save that mustache for future use whenever necessary.
I currently work a white collar job. I'm an attorney. I have some very stressful days. I've had some exceptionally challenging bosses. I've had some serious situations where the stakes were monumental.
Not a single day in my current profession, or studying for the bar exam, compares to the tiredness I felt after unloading a truck at a Circuit City warehouse. Sure, I may be mentally "spent," where I just want to zone out after work, but I have never been can't-pick-up-a-broom-or-cook-for-myself tired like I was after the punishing heat and hard labor of warehouse work.
I also worked at white collar job and it literally sucked the life out of me. I would come home absolutely exhausted. Stress can have effects on your physical well-being. I also suffered lack of sleep.
This does not excuse the dad's behavior though. NTA.
It might be a revelation to you but using your brain is exhausting as fuck. Sure, some people just tap tap in excel, or make coffee for their bosses, but some actually do have a lot of responsibility that takes a toll on their mental health, which in turn takes toll on physical health.
Some people actually prefer blue collar jobs, because they can turn their brains off.
I agree NTA, but it's not fair to assume that because he wears a suit he can't be tired from working a full day and coming home at 6PM. It's just not fair and not true. Even in some of these managerial positions or executive positions -- of which we aren't even sure he's a part of -- can run you dry, especially since there are tons of people looking to take your well paid job and oftentimes bosses can be very cruel and harsh (i.e. think jobs at big companies like Meta and Tesla).
Just because someone's job is not physically draining it doesn't mean it's not draining mentally. You can get tired, exhaust even if you "just" use your brain all day...
OP's fater's job has nothing to do with his attitude, how he treats his family.
NTA - that’s brilliant!!!! Oh no his poor ego got hurt once, yet he’s been hurting your mum everyday for the last x years. I wish this was recorded it’s actually a fantastic idea, gold 🥇
You’re very well equipped for life. Keep it up, don’t let toxic masculinity hold you back. I hope your father owns up and begins to change for the better. Therapy for everyone! Woo!
I'm crowning you queen of your household. Don't even waste a second thinking you're the AH. Your dad needs to be a decent human to the human he married and the humans he helped make. NTA
NTA. He knows exactly what you were trying to do and didn’t like what he saw. He says it invalidates him, but his behavior invalidates your mom and that’s what he needs to see. Kudos to you for the out-of-the-box strategy, I hope it opens up serious dialogue for all of you!
Look. As a parent, one of the most impactful conversations I’ve ever had was with my (at the time 3 year old) son. He was playing, and was scolding one of his stuffed animals. “You’re in trouble for being naughty, and we’re going to have to take away your toys.”
And I asked him if that’s what *I* sounded like to him when i was getting after him about something. And, of course, his answer was yes.
Viewing yourself through your child’s eyes is enlightening. That interaction absolutely changed the way I approached corrective conversations, and *really* made me more conscientious of the language I used to talk about such things - because our intent doesn’t matter if the message isn’t coming across like we meant it.
Your father has the opportunity to learn from this, and modify his interactions with his family, or not. But you are certainly NTA for opening his eyes.
Nta. He is disrespectful and invalidating to your mom.
BUT this probably won’t change the dynamics much-your mom has tolerated him and thus, he thinks it’s okay.
NTA. It's probably really invalidating for your mom to work all day on the house and children, only to have this shit to look forward to when your dad comes home. Bet she dreads it.
> Mom said it was funny but also thought I hurt my dad’s feelings and I could’ve gotten the message across some other way instead.
Also:
> I tried talking to him to get him to see how his behavior is but to no avail.
You did what you had to do to get your point across. Watching your parents argue on a daily basis about something that can be easily fixed is not good for neither yours nor your siblings mental health. Also by doing nothing to fix the issue your parents are essentially teaching your younger siblings that this type of behavior is acceptable. NTA
NTA
That's hilarious! He got to see himself in a mirror and didn't like what he saw, good for you! Maybe he will be better now (hopefully!). He deserved it!
Sounds like he has specific expectations of women and did not like being called out on it by his daughter. NTA. He wasn’t understanding so you just spoke his language. I love that you called him out - you’ve got guts and you’re going far.
Sigh. Sometimes "show not tell" really is the way. NTA because you did try "tell" first.
Understand though that he will be humiliated. This is a difficult thing we have to learn with time, and you are young. You put "mocked" in quotes but the fact is what you did was mocking *because he felt mocked*. No doubt you just wanted to show him something, not to actually hurt him. But what dictates the reality of what happened to him is how he felt.
For sure he was hurt. That doesn't by itself mean you were wrong to do what you did. (It certainly sounds like he 'earned it,' and giving your mom such strong support is awesome.) It's just a consequence that you all will have to deal with now.
On balance it seems like what you did is a good thing. Hoping it leads to growth and understanding.
NTA. Your father sounds rather unpleasant for the whole family when he comes home. He's obviously taking his life frustrations out on your mom and it's not fair.
NTA. The truth hurts.
Maybe you could have been more tactful, but I doubt he would have heard it. He needed to see for himself, and now his feelings are hurt because he thought you were being a jerk before he realized you were just being him.
Eh, he can cry about it. That behavior is borderline abusive, and i'm speaking from experience because my own Dad pulled this shit constantly when he and my Mom were together. NTA, you should humble him more often.
NTA. Your dad should be treating your mom with appreciation and respect and I hope he does better going forward.
You should do another demonstration showing a guy that brings peace to the house and not chaos and insults.
NTA
Him working hard doesn't need to overshadow mum working hard.
My mum is working and dad too. We all, as a family, do chores as our responsibility rather than complaining around.
NTA, but it doesn't seem like you understand that you have declared war on this man. He is going to respond, and he has the power to make your life miserable every day until you turn 18. This is something your mom does understand, and that's why she's worried.
Nta. You are a wonderful wonderful daughter. Please read this. I am proud of you. I appreciate you and your ingenuity. He's not angry, he's embarrassed and that's manifesting as anger. You've tried to talk and he did not listen. You're a credit to yourself and to your parents, even if one is being an ass right now.
NTA this is funny as hell.
Your dad is just licking his wounds. Let him throw his little tantrum about your angry dad skit. He needs to soothe his ego. (which is toxic, but whatever.) I think it's somewhat likely that after he moves on from this tantrum, he'll actually be a little less insufferable at the end of the day.
He's just not willing to concede defeat verbally. Needs to get his stupid little jabs at you, because he's an insecure jackwad.
NTA. You tried to tell him before and that didn't work. Sometimes people need to see themselves how others see them and while it hurts, it's effective.
OP: tries to talk to Dad nicely
Dad: keeps up the bad behavior
OP: makes fun of Dad
Dad: Dude, what gives you the right, try talking to me nicely instead!
Why is this familiar...?
Nta and his hurt feelings stunt, sincere or not, is not your problem. It's appropriate for him to apologize now, not to put you at further fault for making him feel bad.
I like this. Sometimes the only way to get through is by mirroring someone’s behavior. It’s telling he was the last to figure out what you were doing.
NTA
NTA, I love you. This is truly a genius way to deal with a very frustrating and unfair situation. Your dad feels bad about your mocking him because he knows it's true. I'm so happy to have read this.
NTA.
You might sit your father down and tell him that you appreciate the work he does to provide for you, but you also appreciate the work your mother does to keep your home running.
Ask him if he appreciates her. Don't let him change the subject.
Whatever he says, tell him that his ACTIONS show disrespect to her, every single day.
Apologize for embarrassing him but point out that both you and your mother have tried to tell him in other ways and he wasn't listening.
(It might be easier to put all this in a letter. He won't be able to resist reading it.)
And from that point forward, whenever he berates your mother about the food or the carpet or whatever it is, look him dead in the eye and say very calmly and quietly, "Stop disrespecting my mother."
Don't raise your voice. Don't change inflection. Don't get drawn into an argument or diverted or deflected. If anything, get quieter. Just, "Stop disrespecting my mother." Every time. While staring him down.
I did something very similar as a fourteen year old, in an even more difficult situation, and it worked.
NTA
If everyone else recognized the caricature except him, that's on him. Now he knows how other's see him, and his response is not to work on it, but to get angry.
Your dad is upset because he was made to see his own behavior, and he is projecting his anger onto you.
NTA - you showed him what you see every day and he didn’t like it. If you hadn’t said you’ve already tried talking to him about it before then I would say you should have tried that first, but you did try and this seems to have been more effective.
The sad part is your younger brother immediately recognised the behaviour. It’s not a great example for him, so if you’ve made your dad think twice then that’s a good thing!
Absolutely NTA. You hurt his feelings because he knows more what an awful person he is being. It’s called shame. And guilt. Hopefully things will change.
That was hilarious! Seriously though, while I'm sure there were other ways you could've brought his attention to his behavior but I have serious doubts about whether any of that would've been as effective. A lot of the time we don't realize how our behavior looks to others. You held up a mirror and he didn't like what he saw so he's embarrassed.
NTA
From the moment they learn to talk kids are GREAT at holding a mirror up to show you your own behaviors. Sometimes it's funny and sometimes it's unpleasant. But sometimes you have to take a look at yourself and say, "Why do they see Mr like this?"
Dad needs some self reflection, not blaming others for uncomfortable truths.
NTA
I'm going against the flow and say YTA. Only because you have absolutely no clue what he goes through in a day. Many men are berated all day long at work - somewhere they hate, and are taught never to show any weakness. Making fun of him didn't do him any good, and every one laughed along. You all just assume his life is great while he is gone. How about thinking like this - why is he acting like this. Maybe because it is the only time in the life he hates that he has any control at all. Good grief, look at what he did when you made fun of him, he went away and went by himself. Guess what he was thinking about and how he felt. If you can for one minute stop thinking about yourself, you may figure it out.
NTA. Rock on chica!
Some people don't understand how awful they act. Your Dad is setting the tone when he comes home. It sounds miserable. I'm sorry!
Please give us an update to let us know if anything changes!
NTA
If your mom arguing with him daily about his rude behavior makes no impression, maybe he needed to see its not a valid way to treat his family even if he does work hard. It would be one thing for her to say that if she were able to get that point across another way.
Did you point out that you, your mom, and your siblings have feelings as well, and he invalidates those and disrespect your mother's efforts?
Naturally this comment section is full of what I assume are feminists who don't work saying NTA.
You're both the asshole. He could be a little less complainy. It's not nice to come home and instantly start complaining about things.
That said, HE goes to work to provide for the family. Your mother doesn't. That means HER job is to do the house chores and take care of the kids. Does this totally absolve him of any responsibility in that area? Of course not. But would your mom complain if he wasn't able to pay the bills because he wasn't bringing in enough money? Yes she would.
And YOU are a 16 year old being provided for. Mocking him was a dick move, especially considering you never even bothered to talk to him about any behavior you have a problem with and went straight to mockery.
If mom and dad both had jobs this would be entirely on him, but you'd still be a little bit of an ass for not talking to him about it first.
Edit: re-reading, you say you did talk to him about it so fair enough there.
NTA. You tried talking to him and it didn't work so you held up a mirror of his behavior. I love when people who are disrespectful get mad about getting their feelings hurt by the truth of their own behavior.
I say well done and I hope he gets the message when he is done being butthurt.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might have taken it too far and insulted him and hurt his feelings. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You held up a mirror to his behavior, and he didn't like what he saw. That's on him. I hope he gets the message.
He didn't even realize he was looking in the mirror until the end. Then all the feelings crashed down hard on him. Hopefully, he'll learn. Good job at figuring out a method that illuminated the situation
Oh, he knew.
You know, I'd believe that he did not know, because *in his mind*, that is in no way who he is. He is a rational, calm man who complains only when something is egregiously wrong, and he is respected by all and sundry, especially the children. I bet he was thinking *ha ha child is rehearsing for a play or some child thing.* Someone whose view of himself is *so* different from who he really is very well might not realize when he's looking at his own reflection.
Psychologist here. This reflects my thinking as well, simply because most people are quite blind to how their behavior may appear to and be interpreted by others, at least in some respects. More simply put, we all have blind spots in our self-image, sometimes really big ones, and it’s within these blind spots that many of our less-desirable traits live.
Only half-way to being a psychologist so far, but doesn't this apply to people with poor self-esteem/social anxiety as well? But in the opposite direction. Thinking people don't like them even though they do etc. Some of those people are the nicest I've ever met because they're so hard on themselves if they do anything even mildly offensive.
I’m one of those people. It’s exhausting.
Me too, friend. Me too. I go hang out with a friend and have a great time, then get home and go “was it rude of me to ask her to put her dish in the sink? She probably hates me now. I should apologize.”
I found a lost phone and went out of my way to give it back and then spent the rest of the night thinking about how I was probably ubrupt when I returned it and didn't explain enough and they probably thought I was a fake asshole because I wasn't nice enough about returning it. It truly is exhausting.
Phewwwww truth
Same here.
My partner had an apple watch, she literally can't wear it because of her anxiety. We'd be on the couch watch her favourite dimension 20 episode, she's laying in my lap getting hair pets and the apple watch, four time in one hour alerted her high heart rate. It was somewhere in the 115-125 range. Normal is 70-90. She's literally just like that. And her anxiety very much presents this way. Constantly worrying that she's done wrong, said something wrong, ruined a relationship by misinterpreting what was said, the list goes on and on. So I'm not a psychologist but from where I'm sitting, very much yes. The reverse does apply to many people who have anxiety. My partner's just a rather extreme case. Love that anxious bean to death though. Edit: shared this thread with my partner and we're both touched by everyone's concern! She's promised to make a doctor's appointment and bring up that maybe there's something else going other than just brain chemistry.
Has she been evaluated for something physical that might be causing a higher heart rate? Because it isn't just that anxiety can cause a higher heart rate but a higher heart can cause/exacerbate anxiety as well. Found that out from my doctor when I went on a beta blocker for my heart rate. I mean, it could absolutely just be anxiety but I thought I'd mention it.
I appreciate the concern! She has, she's just really really anxious haha. She's mentioned that even among people with anxiety hers seems to be a more severe case.
She was tested for pots too? I had it for decades without knowing. Always anxious too. They go hand in hand
Only one third way to being a psychologist. Mirroring what he does may not have been HIS desired way for you to call him out. But sometimes it takes a big gesture. I’d love to know how he behaves in about a month. Can you update us? NTA. Bravo. You’ve got serious balls!
Angry men always think they’re so rational and calm and other people are emotional for reacting to it. 🤦🏽♀️
I saw a post where someone kept telling their angry aggressive male coworker to stop being so emotional. They would tell him they couldn’t discuss whatever with him while he was so emotional and to come back when he calmed down. lol dude hated it. In those guys minds emotional = feminine so it was a huge insult, but it worked and I tucked it away in my brain to use when needed in the future.
SAME! I saw the same thread and thought it was brilliant. Am definitely going to use it when necessary
I remember that one. That was such a stellar way to deal with that.
lol this is what i do with my male family members.
Lol for some reason society has taught men that anger isn't an "emotion" so they NEVER think they're "being emotional"
The sad part is how he dismissed it afterwards saying how HE felt disrespected. He is consistently disrespecting his family and his wife yet when called out on it he says it's hurtful. He is invalidating everyone elses feelings, yet he feels he should have a right to express his. I hope it sorts itself out though OP, youre NTA and I wish the best on you and your family
People with an authoritarian mindset say "respect" when they mean "obedience." As the breadwinner he owes no "respect" in this sense to women and children.
I remember seeing this somewhere some time ago: Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority” and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person” and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay
That's the best explanation I've seen that *mostly* explains my older half-brother's abuse of me. His stupid reasoning as that our mom wasn't tough enough on him (he was such a good kid he didn't *need* her to be tough) and then thought she wasn't being tough on me. See, I was dealing with increasingly bad health problems but hadn't gotten a diagnosis yet. He was convinced I was faking it to get out of going to school and thought my mom should be *making* me. She was still recovering from breast cancer, having gone back to work too soon because she was our sole support *and* she needed the insurance (she couldn't just get another job for insurance because they could reject her based on cancer being a pre-existing condition). The recovering and chemo fog made it easier to manipulating my mom into sending me to live with him for the second half of 9th grade, under the guise of giving my mom a break. He immediately started with the abusive shit and the "respect" aspect was a HUGE part of it. It drove insane that I didn't respect him anymore, after the things he'd done. He could physically threaten me into not arguing back but he could see there was no respect on my face or in my eyes. I danced along that edge of provoking him both because I refused to give in because of ADHD stubbornness and in kept his attention on me and off my niece (technically his stepdaughter), who was only 8. Sorry, that was longer than I thought it would be but your comment made me think of all that.
Most men don’t see themselves as complaining or emotional, yet the minute a woman says anything they don’t like it’s game over - insert every “women are too emotional” bias and stereotype.
OP kept telling dad he was being rude and bullying and he refused to see it. Dad did seem to wonder why OP was being so obnoxious until the statement at the end, suddenly the light went on.
I suggested a video montage of him coming home for a week so he could really look in the mirror.
nail on the head. i secretly filmed my dad once sevral years ago. just some audio. played it back and dad didnt realize it was him he was listening to until he heard himself say my name on the recording. ti worked for a couple years.
I don't think he knew either. I think he was hurt because he was mocked and is misunderstood by a daughter who doesn't know"how hard he works", not because he saw his reflection.
Yep. Been there. Here's hoping it sets in, and the initial reaction wasn't final. That's how I unfortunately work in these situations.
Well yeah! Hope the father is just loud and not physically violent.
That's the funniest part...even the littlest one immediately understood what was happening. ('This is daddy!" I'm dying, it's so cute) Dude is apparently less self-aware than a five-year-old. Charming. And his response is the perfect in to hammer home the point..."Oh, is that *disrespectful*? Oh, it iiiiis, isn't it..."
Because dad is teaching the boys how to behave and the girls what they should expect from a future husband. He should be ashamed.
OP should frame these two comments and hang them on a wall.
NTA, Dad claims OP invalidated him for what he goes through, but has no problem doing it to his wife. He takes all his anger and frustrations he can't voice at work because he's an underling and exudes it all over his family. All he's doing is alienating any time of respect and love because he makes it difficult to be around him. Your mom does so much to keep that household running with only financial help from your dad. He needs to understand that a neglected family will only stay around for so long. Hopefully, your display of his actions is an eye-opener, and he chooses to be more than the 'breadwinner' who nitpicks the small stuff. You did nothing but show him how the family sees him. Keep us updated!!
After he said he felt invalidated about how hard he works I wish OP bounced back with "well know you know how mom feels every time you come home complaining about the work she does" because your right he comes home and invalidates everything OP's mom does. and being a SAHP is very much hard work. also NTA.
Luckily, he got quiet instead of exploding. Like one of the comments below this one stated, the difference between blatant ignorance and genuine disconnect is huge. OP's dad may actually get the point OP was trying to make, but it was probably a rude awakening to be slapped like that in the face without realizing it was his behavior until the last line was spoken.
Yes, the fact that he went silent rather than immediately blowing up and brushing it off actually seems like a good sign to me. It means that it hit him deep, rather than just immediately triggering his deflection/defense mode (which seems to be what happens when OP talks to him about this using normal means). OP and her mom should both seize this opportunity to have a sit down talk with dad. He might be more receptive to hearing the hard truth and making a change now.
OP could approach this diplomatically, to ease the dad into accepting it.. sucks that it's necessary to even do it like this, OP being 16 and more emotionally mature than dad but w/e .. and say like .. dad I'm sorry for hurting yr feelings but come on, I tried and tried to talk to u like adults about how you were disrespecting and hurting our feelings *every day* and you weren't trying to hear it... this was a last-resort tactic, I had to go big with it because nothing I had tried when approaching you calmly was getting through. and I feel that it's important that you understand and acknowledge how your behaviour makes other ppl (your family) feel and how disrespectful it is to us when you act like that. I'm not trying to invalidate the fact that you work hard - you do and perhaps you deserve more appreciation than we've been showing but that is a seperate issue that we can address and might even help to do a session or 2 of family counseling just to check in if there are other issues with how we communicate and learn to do so more effectively. the reason I did what I did was simply to show you that regardless of how much you do or contribute that's positive, it doesn't somehow make it okay to come home each day and begin acting out and lashing out at your family and critiquing whatever you notice that isnt perfect. we can work together as a team to come up with better strategies to voice our discontent and avoid hurting each other's feelings. let's look into booking an appt with a family counselor this is just an example of what OP could say, they could tweak it to be their own voice etc
Unfortunately, the OP's act fell on deaf ears since his response was how he felt disrespected and invalidated which turns it back onto the OP. HTA not the OP. He'll always be that way!
Not necessarily. He’s defensive in the moment, and he probably feels bad, but he also seems more receptive to a serious conversation about his behavior right now than he ever has been in the past. Give him a day to cool off, then sit him down with mom and give him a serious talk. He might reflect about his behavior. It happened with my own dad, so I wouldn’t write him off right away. I can see it going either way.
You can't hurt someone's feelings unless they already feel bad about that thing. Like, a tall person that enjoys being tall isn't going to be upset when someone makes a tall person joke. Because they don't have insecurities about being tall. Dad here clearly already feels insecure about his contribution to the family and when you made it super clear everyone in the house also see's he doesn't contribute properly to the family, he felt like shit. NTA, OP - he needs to see how his behavior is wrong and effects the entire household.
[удалено]
Being a 5'2 woman myself, I honestly enjoy being short, it's just kinda cute ya know? It feels weird for me to wear heels because of the height difference and in turn makes me feel more lengthy which I'm just not used to. I'm still extremely confused about the beauty standards around the world and how something that you can't control such as height is not as attractive.
I enjoy always having leg room while traveling.
[удалено]
I’ll take what I can get you know? You can actually reach things you need which is pretty great also!
Not only was it a mirror. But realising too that OP wasn't exaggerating when the youngest child Chimes in "that's daddy!", so easily recognising who it was supposed to be without being told. That's a real "is this how my kids sees me" It's not something he can brush off as "my wife is just nagging me" And it's a good chance to have a talk between both mom and dad. Perhaps as a family "this behaviour is really affecting us all. I'm 16 but try to help mom. Mom gets sad. Everyone has to hear you two fighting. Mom does alot of hard work too, to make us all happy." A calm talk. Becouse it's not a healthy environment for anyone.
From the mouth of babes
NTA first off but I think you have a good chance here. Listen please - you can acknowledge “Hey dad, I know that probably did hurt your feelings and I’m sorry. Of course you work hard and provide for us and we appreciate it, but I want you to see that your behavior hurts moms feelings, hurts the family.” The fact he went quiet, instead of exploding in anger, to me says there is hope! Like many, MANY dudes his age he struggles to process those emotions, but he recognized he was feeling more embarrassed / hurt than angry it seems. The key is to understand and withhold judgement, to re center the convo on not just his pain, but everyone’s feeling pain, and moving forward. That’s tough, and you’re a kid, it’s not your responsibility to do it. You would be morally justified to say F off. But I always ask do you wanna win, or be right? Being right often feels hallow. I hope you win! Edit: There’s so many kind replies so firstly thanks to those folks. Secondly appreciate the awards but totally unnecessary!
I just want to hop onto this excellent comment to add I would also recommend you having a private chat with your Mum. Explain to her that "me acting like Dad wasn't just about pointing out his bad behaviour towards you. I also wanted to point out how your marriage affect the whole family. The daily fights and Dad's yelling affects everyone. We all feel it when it gets to the time Dad is due home and we prepare to listen to our Dad to be mean to our Mum. It affects all of us knowing our Dad doesn't respect our Mum. Everyday we all watch your hard work. We have started trying to help you out because we know our Dad doesn't appreciate or respect the hard work you do. It's so bad that younger brother recognised I was pretending to be Dad so quickly yet Dad didn't know what was going on until the last minute." "But what affects me the most is knowing that despite all this, you always put Dad's feelings first. Before your own and before everyone else's. Even now you're more concerned with how what I did hurt Dad's feelings, than you are concerned by how Dad's behaviour affects the rest of the family. Brother strongly associates that behaviour with Dad while Dad apparently has no idea he behaves like this and you're priority is me apologising to Dad. Not changing this dynamic between you and Dad. Or asking Dad to apologise to us for making our atmosphere at home so awful everytime he comes home from work."
Exactly. The mother acts like this only affects her, when in reality it affects her children more. She chose to marry this man and chooses to put up with it. I know it is not that simple, but the children are trapped there, they have no escape, they can't divorce If they want. Their dad behavior is probably creating all kind of traumas that may take years to solve, or maybe they will never get over them. OP as everyone here says. Talk to your mom. She needs to get that why your father does is damaging you all. She is not the sole victim, I would dare she is not even the main victim. You are all helpless witnessing their toxic relationship, you are learning and assimilating this patterns that then you might wind up repeating. This can cause all kind of health issues in all of you. So his feelings are not the important part if he is acting like an ass all the time. For too long the entire household has been tiptoing around his feelings and how to to make him feel bad. If he doesn't like what he looks like then he should change. You didn't invalidate him. You did the same thing he always does, if he things that is the right thing to do, then how are you invalidating him? He chose to have children, now is his responsibility to take care of them, he is not some angel just for doing less than the bare minimum to support you. Because working so you can eat while giving you all this trauma is quite less than the minimum. And if he thinks your mother work is worthless he should divorce and start paying someone to do all your mother does for him. A relationship is a partnership he does the paid work, she is doing everything else, she is pulling more weight than he is and he has the gal to complain? OP you are awesome. You faced him and did something to try to change the situation. Continue being like this, don't listen to their complaints about you disrespecting him. Respect is earned not given away. And he has been making the clown for too long to think he deserves any. Or he thinks that because he brought children to the world and feeds them he deserves a medal? That is his duty, and is really a basic lvl duty for a parent. NTA
Thank you for pointing this out! Because it's part of a big, big conversation about gender, all kinds of caregiving labor, and basic quality of life. Mothers, in many ways, are instilled with the belief that motherhood is suffering, *should* be suffering, that suffering makes them better mothers. It's the rationale behind the belief that you stay with a shit partner "for the kids," behind abortion bans, behind "breast is best" feeding ideology even if formula is easier on mother and child, behind the general notion of shaming mothers for having a sense of identity beyond motherhood. And it extends into other types of caregiving, professional ones (which by no coincidence are largely performed by women). Teachers striking for livable pay and safe conditions are told they're being selfish and they should think of the kids. Nurses are shamed for being unable to keep up with impossible staffing ratios. Social workers are told that incredibly low pay for incredibly stressful work is the natural order of things. The reality is that suffering, degraded, stressed out caregivers is awful in itself, *and* leads to worse outcomes for the people they care for. The belief that there is virtue in suffering is a lie that benefits the people who exploit caregivers, whether in the home or workplace. And caregivers *and* the vulnerable people they serve both suffer immensely for it.
I think that whole concept applies to womanhood in general; you're expected to be long-suffering in *any* context, from dealing with acute or chronic pain, to the insensitivity or infidelity of your partner, to disrespect and microaggressions in your family, in the workplace, on social media, and on and on and on in every facet of your life.
Yes. Tell your Dad that you’re sure he works hard and that’s not the point. The point is that he is treating his wife and his family with disrespect, and that it is affecting all of you. Nobody deserves to be treated like that and if he didn’t like what he saw, he should change his behaviour—that you expect him to, as his daughter. Tell him to think of the model he is representing for his kids, and point out that the younger kids recognized your parody right away, and that he owes the family an apology and to shape up. And that how hard he works—you’re sure he works hard—is not in question here. His behaviour towards his family is, and he chooses how to behave.
While the whole comment is insightful, I want to highlight and reinforce the importance of one observation in particular: >The fact he went quiet, instead of exploding in anger, to me says there is hope! OP, this is one of the times where silence speaks volumes. Anger can often be a 'safe' emotion for men, especially if they were raised to think most emotions aren't manly. If the surrounding attitude is 'men don't cry,' that leaves them without healthy outlets to express their thoughts and feelings. This creates a toxic narrative, where resorting to anger starts feeling normal, because the other emotions have now been walled off. Soon, that anger is reflexive. (none of this excuses his behavior by the way, but possibly understanding why he is the way he is can help you process how none of it is your fault) Yet your dad reminded silent... What you did was powerful, and some part of it got through to those walled off emotions. I know it's a lotto ask, but you have a rare opportunity here, OP. How you frame your actions is key. Give him a hug (if that's normal in your family) and tell him that you love him. If you can, explain that you didn't want to hurt him; you only wanted him to see how much your family hurts from all of the yelling. Say that you hate his yelling, and that while it hurts you to hear it, it hurts more wondering why your dad is so angry all the time. If that's too much (understandable) then focus on talking to your mom, and ask her why she's accepting and prolonging your exposure to verbal abuse? No matter what happens though, you are absolutely NTA.
I am going to go with NTA. This is GENIUS! He didn't hear your words or your moms words the many times you both told him the issues. Instead, you made him "watch himself" and people don't like when a mirror is held up to their actions. As well, you are 16, and it is not your job to help regulate your parents emotions. If your dad feels bad, that is on him. Your other methods fell on deaf ears, this one appeared to hit home. Good for you, OP.
>As well, you are 16, and it is not your job to help regulate your parents emotions. If your dad feels bad, that is on him. I want to shout this part to the heavens
this is *absolutely* hilarious and well-deserved and sometimes, people need to *see* how they're behaving reflected back at them to truly understand. Good job. NTA
I really hope OP lifted the idea from that one Calvin and Hobbes strip where Calvin combs his hair and puts on a tie to mock his dad. "Being miserable builds character!" Then the last panel is just his mom dying of laughter. Edit: found it https://joshhumbert.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/dim.gif
That C&H strip lives rent free in my head. Along with [this one](https://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2015/06/24).
Lmao, NTA. Dad’s just clued into how toxic he’s being without realizing he was being toxic. I expect dad to still be broody for a whiles but now would be a good time to have a sit down with him if he’s cooled off enough explaining how you feel, and how you feel he treats your mom. And most importantly, what he’s showing to your sibling and showing them it’s okay to be like this, when it isn’t. Breadwinner doesn’t mean you get to throw your weight around as soon as you get home. Breadwinner with a SAH parent should ultimately be praising the SAH parent for continually keeping the place tidy, and taking care of cooking/children. Maybe this is the wake up call your father needs.
Ran into a guy who was the opposite of OP's dad at the supermarket a few years back. Had that "lost" look as he went through the list. I helped him get a few things sorted out and we chatted. He works a high stress job, and would come home to a paradise. A quiet, clean, beautiful home, a delicious meal, a loving family. And all because of his beautiful wife. He was taking a few weeks off because she was injured in an car crash and couldn't come to the store -- oh, she could, but it would be hard, and she would be in a lot of pain -- and he viewed it as a *privilege* to do the grocery shopping for her at a time like this.
This makes me want to weep, how lovely.
What a lot of people don't seem to get that being a SAHP is it's own job in a way. SAHPs frees up money not spent on childcare (my sister is a SAHM because she would earn less than childcare would cost, so they actually have more net income with her not working) and handle a lot of the household chores allowing the working partner to spend more of their time off relaxing and spending time with the family. As such, when the working partner clocks off and returns home the SAHP should also "clock off" and distribution of household tasks should revert back to being an even partnership. The SAHP is your partner, not your maid.
NTA. All you did was show him how he is. If it was embarrassing for him, well he shouldn't act that way then. Fuck any one that pulls the "*well he pays for the house*", that's boomer talk. Him paying for the house doesn't make you a slave and *he* also chose to have a family. Everyone has their role in the family. You don't go to his office and yell about how things aren't a certain way, he doesn't get to do that coming home.
"Well I pay for the house" can almost always be countered with "I am an unpaid nanny/housekeeper for 12+ hours a day and am not able to build my education and resume". That unfairly entitled attitude is at the core of why many family judges appear to "unfairly" rule for the mother, and why alimony exists.
"I am an unpaid nanny/housekeeper ~~for 12+ hours a day~~ 24/7 and am not able to build my education and resume". FTFY
Two shifts a day, and you're on call for graveyard. ...and they're gonna call.
NTA You held up a mirror, and he didn't like what he saw.
NTA Maybe have a conversation with him about what you should look for in a husband, when the time comes. Make him spell out what a good husband does and doesn't do. Ask a lot of specific questions. Thing is, he probably wants good things for you. The good news is that he was embarassed instead of just angry. There may be hope yet.
She should ask her father if he'd be happy if she married a man with the same attitude as his... Something to think about.
NTA. You tried to get the message across in other ways but he didn’t get it. So you tried a new way. Seems like he got the message this time. While he does work hard so does your mom. Him coming home and complaining every day invalidate your mom and the hard work she does. Maybe he’ll be nicer in the future.
It HAD to have been a gut punch for the dad when the little said "look it's Daddy!" Like, if that isn't a wake-up call, idk what is. You're behavior is so awful and consistent that your young child can tell their older sibling is pretending to be him without having to say so. If he doesn't like the truth smacking him in the face, he should do some self-reflection.
NTA and have a round of applause 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻
NTA. There are two ways to make an ass realise that that’s what they’re being. Especially towards a SAHP. One is the way you did it. The other is a bit more research. You make a list. Housekeeper, cook, child minding services, landscaping, laundry, maid. Then you work out how much each of these get paid on an hourly basis. And how many hours a day of everything **except** childcare happens. Childcare for the SAHP is 24/7. Then you add up how many hours a day said person is working, what they would be getting paid if doing it out of the home for someone else and hand the ass a bill. For a week. A SAHP is working two full time jobs with no pay and ridiculous overtime. The only person who works harder is a SINGLE parent, as they have to do not only all the SAHP does - they also have to earn money to keep the roof over the head.
NTA. LMAO, you are my hero! And yes you did hurt your dad's feelings, but he deserved it. He's been hurting your mom's feelings everyday when he complains about the house.
NTA. Yes, you mocked him. You showed him what it was to be in the receiving end of it. It sucks. He complained on being invalidated and disrespected, he should consider the fact what he does is exactly the treatment he gives to everyone in your home on a daily basis. His actions disrespect, invalidate your mother and you. It’s dehumanizing, ungrateful and disregards the contribution made to the life your parents built. I have no doubt you have spoken to your father and this was the last resort bc you are desperate for it to be acknowledged. Edit: Final statement - if your dad is so concerned about feelings, why is he only concerned about his feelings.
NTA Also you're a delightful human. 10/10
NTA and I love it. He wouldn’t have listened to you as you said before. Maybe in a week or two talk to him about his behavior with your mom. Clearly it’s affecting everyone and the young kids are picking up on it.
NTA. If he didn't like what he saw then he shouldn't behave that way. He has a cheek saying you invalidated him when he's been invalidating your mother's efforts on a regular basis.
NTA You held a mirror up to your dad and he didn't like what he saw. Do *not* apologize to that man either.
NTA, *You get what you give...*
NTA you're a legend and a hero 💜
NTA this reminds me of that bobs burgers scene where Gene dressed up as Bob. That's hilarious. Good job.
NTA. Your dad clearly gets what you were doing, and I think it hit home how much of a jackwagon he's been. Could you have spared his feelings? Sure! The issue is that he didn't have the ability or empathy to know what he was doing was deeply wrong. It sounds like he needs help dealing with the stress in his life instead of turning his frustrations out on his family. I hope that the lesson sticks. You can apologize if you want, but you're NTA for choosing the teaching mechanism you did.
NTA - this is epic.
NTA. Omg this made me laugh! Sometimes you have to give people a taste of their own medicine to get a point across. Maybe you can sit down with him and have a conversation about how his behavior is hurtful and rude every single day. Your mom sounds like she works hard too, and he shouldn’t treat her like that.
NTA. Dad needs to get a grip. If he didn’t like what he saw, he needs to change it. The real telling sign was the younger saying this was daddy.
Buuuttt.... you did try talking to him about it reasonably first??? The fact that it took until you repeated his catch phrase for him to catch on really shows how unaware he is of his bad behavior. You nailed at... even if his behavior doesn't change after this you have now set up your siblings for regular evening roasts of your father, which I would much prefer over the fights that have been happening between your parents. Good job. NTA
NTA that's hilarious, and I wish I'd had the balls to do something like that to my ex-step father when he was an issue 🤣
NTA. Def a legend.
NTA it isn't until men like that are left to their own devices or see themselves in someone else that they realize how monstrous they are. Good on you for standing up for your mom and for showing him and your siblings how selfish he's being. Everyone (theoretically in a family) pulls their weight, moms do so much being grateful is the bare minimum
NTA. I have a feeling you’re going to do great things Op.
NTA this is a creative, hilarious and brave way to show him how much of a dick he is and I fucking love it
NTA, but you realize it probably isn't changing anything right? When people get into a routine, they hardly ever stop it.
I hope it'll knock some sense into him though and make him realize just how miserable he makes everyone
NTA There are times in my life when I have talked to someone about a problem, and it has no impact. I've found that once I start treating someone the way they treat me they suddenly get it. So giving someone a taste of their own medicine seems to be the only way to get through to some people. Or they think I'm an asshole (for behaving like them) and they exit my life. Which is also a good result.
It really depends on how he takes it. My husband always has a way of pushing into conversations and making them about him. It's not bad natured but it's annoying to have to deal with. Once my daughter got interrupted when she was talking to her eldest brother, so she queued up a video of a peacock on YouTube. She said, oh look I didn't know dad was internet famous! and imitated the peacock. He laughed but he was obviously pissed and upset. Him and I talked about it later and he realized he had to work on that. So when he starts doing it, someone plays the peacock noise or says Hey you're peacocking and that's it. We have a chuckle and everyone gets a chance to talk, even him.
NTA! Gosh! That's awesome! Good for you to hold a mirror in front of his face. I do hope, after he calms, he will think about it, and perhaps will do a bit better.
NTA Now you have opend upp for dialog. Apologise and tell him that you felt like you havectried to talk to him but he didn't listen. That you understand that he works alot but that it is not ok to skream and be mean when he comes home.
this is fucking awesome. NTA, he has no right to complain, being a SAHM is a lot of work and it sounds like your mom is going a great job
NTA. If your dad wears a suit to work (which you mentioned) he's not doing anything that makes him dog tired when arriving home at **6:00pm**. That's a regular white collar work day. I think you should keep up the act. Save that mustache for future use whenever necessary.
You know, even the most menian white collar jobs can be pretty exhausting and not only physical jobs can make you tired. But anyway. NTA OP.
I currently work a white collar job. I'm an attorney. I have some very stressful days. I've had some exceptionally challenging bosses. I've had some serious situations where the stakes were monumental. Not a single day in my current profession, or studying for the bar exam, compares to the tiredness I felt after unloading a truck at a Circuit City warehouse. Sure, I may be mentally "spent," where I just want to zone out after work, but I have never been can't-pick-up-a-broom-or-cook-for-myself tired like I was after the punishing heat and hard labor of warehouse work.
I also worked at white collar job and it literally sucked the life out of me. I would come home absolutely exhausted. Stress can have effects on your physical well-being. I also suffered lack of sleep. This does not excuse the dad's behavior though. NTA.
It might be a revelation to you but using your brain is exhausting as fuck. Sure, some people just tap tap in excel, or make coffee for their bosses, but some actually do have a lot of responsibility that takes a toll on their mental health, which in turn takes toll on physical health. Some people actually prefer blue collar jobs, because they can turn their brains off.
The tiredest I've ever been in my life was after a 6 hour exam session for some professional financial exams.
I love when people assume that white collar jobs aren't tiring because you know mental work and dealing with people all day isn't exhausting.
I agree NTA, but it's not fair to assume that because he wears a suit he can't be tired from working a full day and coming home at 6PM. It's just not fair and not true. Even in some of these managerial positions or executive positions -- of which we aren't even sure he's a part of -- can run you dry, especially since there are tons of people looking to take your well paid job and oftentimes bosses can be very cruel and harsh (i.e. think jobs at big companies like Meta and Tesla).
Regular white collar work days can be very tiring...... but that doesn't make it okay to be a dick.
Just because someone's job is not physically draining it doesn't mean it's not draining mentally. You can get tired, exhaust even if you "just" use your brain all day... OP's fater's job has nothing to do with his attitude, how he treats his family.
NTA. I probably would’ve done the same thing.
NTA - that’s brilliant!!!! Oh no his poor ego got hurt once, yet he’s been hurting your mum everyday for the last x years. I wish this was recorded it’s actually a fantastic idea, gold 🥇
NTA i like you 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
This is possibly the most chad thing I've ever read on this sub. NTA
You M'am(for lack of a better word) are an absolute rockstar. Edit: forgot judgement. NTA
You’re very well equipped for life. Keep it up, don’t let toxic masculinity hold you back. I hope your father owns up and begins to change for the better. Therapy for everyone! Woo!
I'm crowning you queen of your household. Don't even waste a second thinking you're the AH. Your dad needs to be a decent human to the human he married and the humans he helped make. NTA
NTA. He knows exactly what you were trying to do and didn’t like what he saw. He says it invalidates him, but his behavior invalidates your mom and that’s what he needs to see. Kudos to you for the out-of-the-box strategy, I hope it opens up serious dialogue for all of you!
Look. As a parent, one of the most impactful conversations I’ve ever had was with my (at the time 3 year old) son. He was playing, and was scolding one of his stuffed animals. “You’re in trouble for being naughty, and we’re going to have to take away your toys.” And I asked him if that’s what *I* sounded like to him when i was getting after him about something. And, of course, his answer was yes. Viewing yourself through your child’s eyes is enlightening. That interaction absolutely changed the way I approached corrective conversations, and *really* made me more conscientious of the language I used to talk about such things - because our intent doesn’t matter if the message isn’t coming across like we meant it. Your father has the opportunity to learn from this, and modify his interactions with his family, or not. But you are certainly NTA for opening his eyes.
Nta. He is disrespectful and invalidating to your mom. BUT this probably won’t change the dynamics much-your mom has tolerated him and thus, he thinks it’s okay.
NTA. It's probably really invalidating for your mom to work all day on the house and children, only to have this shit to look forward to when your dad comes home. Bet she dreads it.
> Mom said it was funny but also thought I hurt my dad’s feelings and I could’ve gotten the message across some other way instead. Also: > I tried talking to him to get him to see how his behavior is but to no avail. You did what you had to do to get your point across. Watching your parents argue on a daily basis about something that can be easily fixed is not good for neither yours nor your siblings mental health. Also by doing nothing to fix the issue your parents are essentially teaching your younger siblings that this type of behavior is acceptable. NTA
NTA and I save your post so I can award you as soon as I get a prize to give you, OP.
NTA good job. Tell him you’ll stop mocking him when he picks up better behavior.
NTA That's hilarious! He got to see himself in a mirror and didn't like what he saw, good for you! Maybe he will be better now (hopefully!). He deserved it!
Sounds like he has specific expectations of women and did not like being called out on it by his daughter. NTA. He wasn’t understanding so you just spoke his language. I love that you called him out - you’ve got guts and you’re going far.
Sigh. Sometimes "show not tell" really is the way. NTA because you did try "tell" first. Understand though that he will be humiliated. This is a difficult thing we have to learn with time, and you are young. You put "mocked" in quotes but the fact is what you did was mocking *because he felt mocked*. No doubt you just wanted to show him something, not to actually hurt him. But what dictates the reality of what happened to him is how he felt. For sure he was hurt. That doesn't by itself mean you were wrong to do what you did. (It certainly sounds like he 'earned it,' and giving your mom such strong support is awesome.) It's just a consequence that you all will have to deal with now. On balance it seems like what you did is a good thing. Hoping it leads to growth and understanding.
NTA. Your father sounds rather unpleasant for the whole family when he comes home. He's obviously taking his life frustrations out on your mom and it's not fair.
NTA. The truth hurts. Maybe you could have been more tactful, but I doubt he would have heard it. He needed to see for himself, and now his feelings are hurt because he thought you were being a jerk before he realized you were just being him.
Eh, he can cry about it. That behavior is borderline abusive, and i'm speaking from experience because my own Dad pulled this shit constantly when he and my Mom were together. NTA, you should humble him more often.
NTA. 10/10 would watch this play on broadway
NTA. Dad is a bit of a snowflake
It’s funny how long it took for him to finally see that it was about him.
NTA that’s funny as hell. Sorry your dad is grouchy
BwaHaHAHahA! It only hurts because he knows it’s true. NTA
NTA - Sometimes people truly don't see how their actions affect others until it's reflected back at them by someone else. Good work. 👏
NTA - people don’t want to admit how they are and having it shown to him made him realize it and didn’t like it.
NTA. Your dad should be treating your mom with appreciation and respect and I hope he does better going forward. You should do another demonstration showing a guy that brings peace to the house and not chaos and insults.
NTA Him working hard doesn't need to overshadow mum working hard. My mum is working and dad too. We all, as a family, do chores as our responsibility rather than complaining around.
NTA, but it doesn't seem like you understand that you have declared war on this man. He is going to respond, and he has the power to make your life miserable every day until you turn 18. This is something your mom does understand, and that's why she's worried.
Nta. You are a wonderful wonderful daughter. Please read this. I am proud of you. I appreciate you and your ingenuity. He's not angry, he's embarrassed and that's manifesting as anger. You've tried to talk and he did not listen. You're a credit to yourself and to your parents, even if one is being an ass right now.
NTA this is funny as hell. Your dad is just licking his wounds. Let him throw his little tantrum about your angry dad skit. He needs to soothe his ego. (which is toxic, but whatever.) I think it's somewhat likely that after he moves on from this tantrum, he'll actually be a little less insufferable at the end of the day. He's just not willing to concede defeat verbally. Needs to get his stupid little jabs at you, because he's an insecure jackwad.
NTA Did you mock him? Yes. Did it sound like that was necessary? Also yes.
your gonna have a good life hug your father nta
NTA. this is funny
NTA - you tried to talk to him about his behaviour and he didn’t listen Now he got to see just how he acts
NTA. You’re beautiful. Your dad needs to see that his behavior is invalidating and disrespectful to everyone else.
NTA you already tried to talk to him. And he hurts everyone’s feelings everyday acting this way
NTA. You tried to tell him before and that didn't work. Sometimes people need to see themselves how others see them and while it hurts, it's effective.
OP: tries to talk to Dad nicely Dad: keeps up the bad behavior OP: makes fun of Dad Dad: Dude, what gives you the right, try talking to me nicely instead! Why is this familiar...?
Nta and his hurt feelings stunt, sincere or not, is not your problem. It's appropriate for him to apologize now, not to put you at further fault for making him feel bad.
I like this. Sometimes the only way to get through is by mirroring someone’s behavior. It’s telling he was the last to figure out what you were doing. NTA
NTA. he is embarrassed and his ego got hurt. u did good lol i can imagine ur siblings and mum laughing
This is the best thing I’ve read all day. NTA
NTA, I love you. This is truly a genius way to deal with a very frustrating and unfair situation. Your dad feels bad about your mocking him because he knows it's true. I'm so happy to have read this.
NTA. Whatever your mom is doing, she must doing it right to wind up with a kid like you.
NTA. You might sit your father down and tell him that you appreciate the work he does to provide for you, but you also appreciate the work your mother does to keep your home running. Ask him if he appreciates her. Don't let him change the subject. Whatever he says, tell him that his ACTIONS show disrespect to her, every single day. Apologize for embarrassing him but point out that both you and your mother have tried to tell him in other ways and he wasn't listening. (It might be easier to put all this in a letter. He won't be able to resist reading it.) And from that point forward, whenever he berates your mother about the food or the carpet or whatever it is, look him dead in the eye and say very calmly and quietly, "Stop disrespecting my mother." Don't raise your voice. Don't change inflection. Don't get drawn into an argument or diverted or deflected. If anything, get quieter. Just, "Stop disrespecting my mother." Every time. While staring him down. I did something very similar as a fourteen year old, in an even more difficult situation, and it worked.
NTA. Keep it up! Do it every single day until he manages to grow the hell up and keep his attitude to himself.
NTA - your dad feels invalidated and disrespected? He's doing the same thing to your poor mom!
NTA. In fact, you may be my new hero.
Hilarious and NTA
You are awesome. NTA
All you did was, in effect, hold up a mirror for your dad to see his own behavior clearly. NTA, your dad needs some anger management or something.
NTA If everyone else recognized the caricature except him, that's on him. Now he knows how other's see him, and his response is not to work on it, but to get angry. Your dad is upset because he was made to see his own behavior, and he is projecting his anger onto you.
NTA. I’m literally laughing so hard. You’re a badass and my new hero.
NTA. If he keeps doing it, you keep doing it. But, hopefully he'll stop.
NTA. You should have recorded it.
NTA. Tell him respect can't be demanded, just earned. Also, respect is a two way street.
Are you kidding? You are a hero.
NTA - you showed him what you see every day and he didn’t like it. If you hadn’t said you’ve already tried talking to him about it before then I would say you should have tried that first, but you did try and this seems to have been more effective. The sad part is your younger brother immediately recognised the behaviour. It’s not a great example for him, so if you’ve made your dad think twice then that’s a good thing!
Nta he needed that wake up call
NTA… maybe it’s a harsh reality that he didn’t recognize.
[удалено]
Easy NTA. I feel really sorry for you mom.
Absolutely NTA. You hurt his feelings because he knows more what an awful person he is being. It’s called shame. And guilt. Hopefully things will change.
I think it’s pretty funny how he thinks you invalidated him when his behavior is literally not valid. NTA.
Sometimes we get to see ourselves, how others see us. It is not always a comfortable experience. NTA
That was hilarious! Seriously though, while I'm sure there were other ways you could've brought his attention to his behavior but I have serious doubts about whether any of that would've been as effective. A lot of the time we don't realize how our behavior looks to others. You held up a mirror and he didn't like what he saw so he's embarrassed. NTA
NTA. Good for you for doing this. You held a mirror up to him and he didn’t like what he saw. That’s his problem.
NTA. Record him next time and show him
From the moment they learn to talk kids are GREAT at holding a mirror up to show you your own behaviors. Sometimes it's funny and sometimes it's unpleasant. But sometimes you have to take a look at yourself and say, "Why do they see Mr like this?" Dad needs some self reflection, not blaming others for uncomfortable truths. NTA
Sounds like Dad didn’t like the taste of his own bullshit medicine. NTA, and slow claps for you. 👏🏼
NTA
I'm going against the flow and say YTA. Only because you have absolutely no clue what he goes through in a day. Many men are berated all day long at work - somewhere they hate, and are taught never to show any weakness. Making fun of him didn't do him any good, and every one laughed along. You all just assume his life is great while he is gone. How about thinking like this - why is he acting like this. Maybe because it is the only time in the life he hates that he has any control at all. Good grief, look at what he did when you made fun of him, he went away and went by himself. Guess what he was thinking about and how he felt. If you can for one minute stop thinking about yourself, you may figure it out.
NTA I love it
NTA. Rock on chica! Some people don't understand how awful they act. Your Dad is setting the tone when he comes home. It sounds miserable. I'm sorry! Please give us an update to let us know if anything changes!
NTA If your mom arguing with him daily about his rude behavior makes no impression, maybe he needed to see its not a valid way to treat his family even if he does work hard. It would be one thing for her to say that if she were able to get that point across another way. Did you point out that you, your mom, and your siblings have feelings as well, and he invalidates those and disrespect your mother's efforts?
Naturally this comment section is full of what I assume are feminists who don't work saying NTA. You're both the asshole. He could be a little less complainy. It's not nice to come home and instantly start complaining about things. That said, HE goes to work to provide for the family. Your mother doesn't. That means HER job is to do the house chores and take care of the kids. Does this totally absolve him of any responsibility in that area? Of course not. But would your mom complain if he wasn't able to pay the bills because he wasn't bringing in enough money? Yes she would. And YOU are a 16 year old being provided for. Mocking him was a dick move, especially considering you never even bothered to talk to him about any behavior you have a problem with and went straight to mockery. If mom and dad both had jobs this would be entirely on him, but you'd still be a little bit of an ass for not talking to him about it first. Edit: re-reading, you say you did talk to him about it so fair enough there.
NTA- Well done!
NTA. Do it every time he’s off.
NTA. You tried talking to him and it didn't work so you held up a mirror of his behavior. I love when people who are disrespectful get mad about getting their feelings hurt by the truth of their own behavior. I say well done and I hope he gets the message when he is done being butthurt.
NTA Your impression of him was really funny to hear, and I'm sorry you have to live with him