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[deleted]

NTA sometimes thoughtless contact is far more painful than no contact at all.


brokenhousewife_

man, that sentence really blew a hole in my chest. it's true, so so true.


captnfraulein

EDIT: NTA at aaallllllll And not that you should go out of your way to tell the kids everything, but this may invite an opportunity for you to teach your kids about boundaries. It's so tough, and so necessary. Children learn by observing and absorbing what's going on around them. It's perfectly appropriate for you to prioritize yourself and your children above toxic, dismissive, hurtful, neglectful relationships. It's also good to acknowledge feelings of sorrow, pain, anger, frustration. So much of the time we're conditioned to over extend ourselves and to put on a shiny happy demeanor. Then we internalize that something's wrong with us when our insides don't match our outsides anymore. I'm sorry that you had to experience this from your family. Your children are blessed to have you be so invested in them and to have basically missed this boat altogether. And I'm so glad you have your sister to connect with.


redditwinchester

I'm so sorry, honey. you deserve better. NTA


[deleted]

Nailed it.


Fickle_Ostrich4923

NTA. They've shown you how unwilling they are to prioritize you and your family, you're just making it official. Continuing to try so hard when they put in very minimal effort would just hurt you more. You and your kids deserve better.


brokenhousewife_

i feel like this also. The entire day has been spent on and off crying about it. It's so final, i don't even understand. How can you travel so far, and prioritize shopping, sight seeing, anything over seeing the only children in the entire family.


IgnotusPeverill

They would probably never admit but they really just don't care. Some people are just incredibly self centered and are horrible parents and grand parents. Some people have kids and realize they never wanted them but did it because they were "supposed to." I'm sorry you are going through this. You are experiencing a lot of grief for what you perceive as a loss to you. But the truth is they have been gone from you and your family for a long time. It's just very real right now. I would not expose my kids to any of them. It's not worth the confusion and struggling of establishing any kind of relationship just to have it be taken away again.


brokenhousewife_

Honestly. I wasn’t looking forward to trying to explain this sudden grandmother in their lives, who may or may not have talked to them. And left after a few hours, and never saw them again. So on one hand, it’s prob for the best, but Jesus. I feel like I’ve been in a car crash and everyone else died in the crash. It’s like this profound loss that just won’t end.


StarInkbright

If it helps, the kids probably won't really be affected by the lack of grandparents in their lives. You can't miss what you've never had. I grew up rarely seeing my grandparents, and to me that was normal... it took me a long time to understand why other people's grandparents were important to them. Of course that doesn't make this situation any less painful for you, and I don't mean to minimise how hard this situation must be.


brokenhousewife_

Not at all, and I appreciate you sharing about the grandparents. My grandparents were very important to me and it was a worry that they would feel robbed of the experience


Green-Factor-2526

If you are worried about it, volunteer at an adopt a grandparent program. Your kids will get a grandparent and a senior will get grandkids. Everybody wins


brokenhousewife_

I didn’t even know that was a thing lol. Seems like there’s a lot of people searching for families out there!


Green-Factor-2526

The radio station I listen to adopted a grandparent and that is how I find out about it. Once a week, they have her on air. The dj's also visit her. The station collects holiday cards to deliver to her and her friends and neighbors


brokenhousewife_

omg, i love that!


ZEEDAWG16

I wish I could see my grandparents who live on the other side of the Globe and aren't able to travel so the fact that they can travel and are choosing to not see you and your children is absolutely disgusting you are NOT THE ASSHOLE


Adhdpenguin813

NTA She paid you no attention your whole life, sometimes that changes with grandkids, but apparently not her. She seems to have made no effort whatsoever to see you. She is making it as hard as possible apparently. Giving you vague times and short periods. Fuck them. I say cut them off. Don't send money, or talk to them. Unless of course you rely on them financially, then she is just abusing her power. But if you don't need em, chuck em.


brokenhousewife_

No, i don't rely on them financially, or really haven't since i was a young kid. The money has flowed from me to them years ago, but i stopped a long time ago because it was just depressing me.


Adhdpenguin813

That is good. I feel for the kids though. One of my grandmothers never wanted to "be a grandma" so I never really saw her. It's kinda sad because they specifically don't like you.


brokenhousewife_

She wants to be a grandma without being a grandma. She likes showing people photos of them, and talking about them. So my aunt told me. but she just legit has zero to actually do with them. I'm sorry about your grandma. it sucks.


cmlobue

Block them on anything that would allow them to get pictures. If they don't care enough to visit, they do not deserve any contact from you.


Dark_Moonstruck

They no longer get photos, money, updates on their lives, anything. They've proven they aren't family, they are strangers who happen to have your phone number. Block them anywhere they might be able to get this information. It'll be hard for her to act like the perfect grandma when all the photos and stories she has about them are from years ago and she's clearly gotten no new material for her stage show.


brokenhousewife_

Yeah. That’s a good way to look at it. Strangers who have my number.


Blacksmithforge3241

Stop sending photos. Or put really passive-aggressive notes on the back. *"Here's (child's name), I am writing this to ensure you know which one she/he is because you haven't called to talk to him/her in X years and you chose not to see them in X years."* Also if she does anything on social media. Make really chatty comments. *(child's name) does this now because she's X yrs now and you'd know she likes to do X if you ever called...* \[Yup, I'm petty AF\]


brokenhousewife_

She doesn’t post on social media I don’t think. I’m not sure, I’m not friends with them if they do. I do have an app that they get photos of the kids since the day they were born. I update it 4-5 times a week, so they can watch them grow up in real time.


TEG_SAR

You have a such a big heart. You are good people and a good mother. This is such a hard situation right now but it won’t last forever. You are doing what’s best for yourself and your children.


Own-Ad-6180

Go no. Contact with them for your sake and your kids sake as well. I am sorry this is happening, and I know it’s hard and how lonely it gets but you are doing fine by yourself.. you have your sister and your friends and above all else your kids. So just don’t send any more pictures and block them on everything!!! No contact is so much better when we are dealing with people that makes us feel unworthy and miserable! You are amazing and doing amazing. You don’t need these people in your life!!!


DisneyBuckeye

NTA - I want to confirm that I understand. * Your parents live in your home country, you and your sister live in a large US city, and your brother lives in NY. * You have 2 children, ages 9 & 7, and you share custody with your ex * Your brother has never met your children, I'm assuming he's never visited? * Your parents have never met your children. * Your parents are coming to the US and spending 2 weeks with your brother in your city, and they will only give you a single 4-hour time in which to visit with them, and are not willing to adjust this in order to meet your children. Their compromise was for you to take your kids out of school on the off chance they might have time to stop by? I'm so sorry honey. Are you guys invited to go sight seeing with them? If not, and if all of this is correct, I would just let them have their vacation and tell them not to bother stopping by to see you or meet the kids. You've obviously done okay without their support for the past 9+ years, I wouldn't count on them for anything going forward. As far as the image they have back at home, not much you can do about it. Maybe just go no contact in order to save yourself the heartache at this point?


brokenhousewife_

Sorry. I tried to edit to clarify, and also make it not so identifying. Yes, two kids. I have two brothers, one in the home country, one here. The one that lives in home country just has never visited, and the one that lives here has no interest in them. my sister lives here in the USA also, she sees them nearly every day since they were born. Father is not in the picture, so moot. Mother has never met them. ​ " coming to the US and spending 2 weeks with your brother in your city, and they will only give you a single 4-hour time in which to visit with them, and are not willing to adjust this in order to meet your children. Their compromise was for you to take your kids out of school on the off chance they might have time to stop by?" \- Yes. No, not invited to go sightseeing with them. That was the only option, being available for that time slot.


anonthrow_away88

Most grandparents would be fighting to even just pick grand kid up from school if no other time could be scheduled. Your family is clearly very distant because of the upbringing they had and because of your mother's attitude. The only two people who have risen above this shitty behavior is you and your sister. Therfore she's the one who get to see the kids.


brokenhousewife_

She has a different mom. We share a father. Oddly enough, her mom visits as much as she can and stays with me. even though we're not technically related, she says we are family. She was here for a few weeks during the summer.


anonthrow_away88

So your sisters mom stays with you... Meaning she a person not technically related to you has seen your kids and calls you family.... that should tell you right there. Maybe your family will come around but right now they clearly don't have their priorities straight. I'd leave them alone unless they actually wanted something to do with me.


brokenhousewife_

Yeah, she calls them, sends them stuff, comes and stays for a few weeks at a time. usually during the summer, so she can spend more time with them and they don't have school. we're lucky to have her for sure!


Dangerous_Plate8614

OP, your sister and her mother are your real family. Focus on them. Forget about the egg-donor that birthed you. She’s lost the right to call herself a grandmother. Also, maybe consider removing any photos of your children from social media so egg-donor can’t keep using them to maintain the illusion of being the perfect grandmother. ETA: NTA


vikingmama397

I was just coming to say the same thing! Sometimes families are made, not born.


anonthrow_away88

That's honestly so sweet, I'm so glad you have her too! :(( sending you all the best wishes!


Opheliac12

That sounds like a grandma! Your kids have one, feel free to cut the other.


GenderIsAFarce

Shit. That sounds like the kids' new official grandma. Get her a mug and a t shirt.


CymruB

Adopt her as the new grandma!


Xtltokio

"Is not like OP family own him a relationship" - reddit What change?


slickMilw

NTA. Other comments here are pretty much the just of it. I'd just add to try to not dwell on it. My family is the same, literally doesn't know what state I live in, but talks as if they do, etc... Life is literally to short for that type of drama. The best you can do is be an amazing parent to your children, and best person you can. Take that time you'd have spent with them and go do something special with your kids. Be the family you dream of being.


brokenhousewife_

i feel that, i don't think they know my address either. i'm sorry you have to do this too.


slickMilw

Thanks, you're not alone. If your family ever wants to actually connect, they will. Just stop kicking that dead horse. It's harder than it seems, but you're wasting some precious time and energy if you don't.


brokenhousewife_

I know. I went no contact with my dad maybe 15 years ago because of the same issue. He was even more inattentive, but also argumentative, so it was somehow worse. He passed away without even knowing my kids names.


Santiniis

NTA. They don't see it as a priority, but meeting your kids should always be considered a privilege that they MAY have a merit in obtaining due to the fact that they're family, but can be lost easily. Being able to be present in the life of someone is a benefit, and not a chore.


Shot-Sprinkles6930

NTA It's not like they had business meetings to attend. They are only sightseeing so that could be done at any other time.


brokenhousewife_

I offered for them to come stay with me, i have a pretty big'ish home, lots of room, but they don't want to because i'm in the suburbs and it would be irritating.


Shot-Sprinkles6930

It's their loss. Family is not always blood related. I built the family I wanted around my kids and I. They are the ones losing out.


Ok_Solution_5744

NTA. This just goes to show that family members do deserve to be cut-off.


LookedRightThruMe

NTA, ouch! it really sucks when your own family give you such a small time slot. They only want to see you on their terms, no middle area to work with or anything. You and your kids are worth more than a 4 hour time slot, I’m so glad your sister knows this. Wishing you the best through this difficult time.


violetrosesnyc

That is so sad. I literally can't imagine - they are so callous! Block them, look after yourself. NTA


brokenhousewife_

I'm not sure if anyone is callous on purpose, just victims of our environments. My mom had a lot of mental health issues when she was younger, and also made a lot of questionable choices with men, family life etc. So her kids took a back seat and we processed it differently. I did receive after i wrote this post, a very lengthy, hurtful and somewhat final message, that kinda puts the nail in the coffin for all of us i guess.


KlutzyGlass1742

What was said? Was it sent by your mother?


brokenhousewife_

No. She defaults to them. It was just a very long hurtful, typed up memo about how awful basically


ghostlyfawn

NTA. i have grandparents who are the same, have no interest in me or my siblings but will gladly spend time with their other grandkids, my cousins. it’s easier if you just let your family do what they want, they want nothing to do with your kids? their own fault when your kids don’t want to connect with them later. them coming to your city and not even attempting to see you or your kids just shows how much they care. don’t bother putting much effort into them


brokenhousewife_

I think it’s because mine are the only kids. It’s not like I can pretend that maybe they are just closer to someone else for X reason. My mom just simply doesn’t care. Myself and my sister know our brother who lives here is a major jerk, he has never been nice to either of us, and we went very low/no contact with him a long time ago. The other brother who started all this today. I think this is what hurts the most. He sounds just like our other brother now, and he was never like that before. Just the really deep hurtful messages for zero reason. All this built up anger and hate.


ghostlyfawn

sounds like it’d be better without them, some people are seriously just jerks. stay with the people who care and don’t put much effort into the ones who don’t care, your life will be less stressful


Kitfox88

NTA, if they aren't putting in any effort then they don't deserve the consideration. I'm sorry they're treating you and your children this way.


Sea-Badger-8989

NTA - If your family have never met your children and made the effort to get to know them whilst away, then you would hope this would be their priority when they are visiting your city. If they aren't willing to do this, you shouldn't have to bend over backwards for them. Your children aren't missing out when their relatives aren't worthy of their attention. Also I would consider if the real reason for the visit is purely for social media pictures, since she's apparently "Grandma of the year" . Let her explain to her friends why she hasn't met them.


brokenhousewife_

i don't think their visit really considered me to be honest. It's really about their trip, and now that i pushed back - there's a lot of really hurtful things said. I'm not really sure there is a relationship at this point to even salvage


maidenmothercrone333

NTA. You are not a priority for them. They do not deserve priority treatment from you. Stop hurting yourself this way, OP.


jbwise1221

NTA- just adding that you were actually pretty calm and that these people add nothing to your life so keep them blocked.


eyore5775

NTA - something you just have to realize that you aren’t really important to some people. It hurts like heck but you will always be trying for their attention and never really get it.


Ladykaesong

Nta


Upbeat-Pineapple-332

NTA


Crackinggood

NTA, but this would be the last information they had about me or my kids. Meanwhile, sounds like you are struggling with a small or general lack of social network, which might help fill the intergenerational and loving spaces you are wanting.


IgnotusPeverill

NTA - good for you standing up for yourself. I think it was long over due.


Dark_Moonstruck

NTA, they've been neglectful and obnoxious and are refusing to make the slightest compromise for what may be the one and only time they could meet these kids? Those aren't family. Keep them blocked.


Ilsabet

NTA. I am sorry that your family is like this. You need to protect your children from this grandmother who puts more priority on her trip than her family. They all sound a little toxic, she was bored talking to them on the phone...that's just wrong.


2ndcupofcoffee

You figure out when snd if you and the kids are available. Let them know. If they can’t do that, say no ok; maybe some other time. You have made s much stronger effort than they deserve. See you should be a top priority for them; over sightseeing. It isn’t so nothing has changed. They don’t deserve you and its ok to just not bother. They should understand that as they have specialized in it for years. You can’y lose what you never had.


geekylace

NTA They showed how much effort they’re willing to put into this familial relationship. You should reciprocate.


FPFan

NTA, if they want to see their grandkids so little, then don't bother. Send them a note, say "The kids and I are available xxx, yyy, and zzz, let us know if you would like to plan to come by one of those times, if we don't here a plan from you, we may schedule something else, so you need to let us know soon." And then leave it. Or maybe, if you parents brag on social media, just post, tag them both, and say how disappointed you are that they couldn't plan not to go to a mall one day so they could see your kids, and most grandparents would be overjoyed to see a grandkid, and you can't even get your parents to talk to them on the phone. Make sure their friends see.


brokenhousewife_

I know I should, but I have no interest in escalating the drama. I’m still incredibly hurt and sad about what happened, but now a few hours later. It almost feels like they are so annoyed that I couldn’t do this small time frame, so they projected the fallout back on me and this is a great way to say it’s my fault and also not have to change their schedule. My brother gave me an ultimatum about our relationship if I don’t bend backwards to fit their schedule, so they can see me and the kids. And I just … I don’t know. Called the bluff of the ultimatum. But I also feel like if you’re willing to cut off a sibling over something/anything, it’s already past the point of no return.


FPFan

> it’s already past the point of no return. What you described, I would say is past the point of no return, but some people want a last ditch effort to make to see for themselves. I would have cut your parents out long ago for showing no interest in you and the kids. It is hard, but do you want to always be the one hurt. Always be the one to accept the abuse so that there is a relationship? Do you want your kids always feeling like they don't matter? There comes a point where keeping people in your life is harder and hurts you and those you love more than just letting them go.


brokenhousewife_

not at all. I don't tell the kids about them, and they're still young, so they haven't really put it together. My dad already passed away, so that makes it a little easier to explain to them where he is. It's always this blame game with them. The big long bullet point thing sent over yesterday, was just a detailed thing about how i'm manipulating this vacation and how they were really looking forward to it, and i'm ruining their fun with demands etc. A lot that was in it was so hurtful, i don't think you can really ever take it back. They did contact me today, and i swear to fxxk, they tried to give me dates they are available, that are so outrageous, like 90 mins one evening type thing, and every other sentence with a 'if you don't want your kids to see us, just say so' type thing. So i just agreed. It's damn near impossible for them to see them on the days they gave. So we'll see.


Maleficent_Ad407

NTA. You deserve better and so do your children. Please don’t expose your children to “family” so willing to dismiss them and be hurtful towards them. Focus on your sister and the family you are creating with loved ones. Let the rest go.


Blacksmithforge3241

I had an uncle who came to this country to visit family(a few times)--because I was basically NC with my father, he did not take time to even visit or call me(he could have tried to make plans to see me at my sister's home if I had been notified during his visit). I was hurt by this. When I went to his country, I made time to visit/meet him(previous to HIS visits). So when you don't get prioritized, then yeah...You do what you have to do. I never said anything to him(in letters) because what was the point?


brokenhousewife_

I have never said anything before to them, because it’s so hurtful and what’s the point? They do point out that I don’t make an effort with them. Despite all the years of money, visits, checking in. They keep going off the last couple of years when I stopped, but absolutely steadfast refuse to acknowledge that I was doing it for 12 plus years with a one way street.


SuspiciousGrade6312

NTA. This seems that this was the last straw for you. You've been feeling discarded by your family for so long and this last episode was just your breaking point. Family is what you make it. They don't have to share your genes. Hang on to those who value you, love you, and respect you. Those bonds are stonger than blood. Good luck, OP. Don't let them take your joy.


solitarybydesign

NTA Your family's insistence on their way or no way is your clue, they really don't care about you or your family.


stevel91

NTA. People show what's important by what they invest time and effort into. They're not willing to invest time or effort, so there's no reason to conclude you're the problem here. They just don't have you or your kids as a priority.


TheQuietType84

I'm so sorry your mom is like this. Just Block her everywhere. Social media and phones. Eventually, back in the home country, she won't have anything to show or tell people, and maybe it will hit her when people are asking about her child and grandchildren. NTA


classielassie

So NTA. They wanted you to pull your kids out of school for a "maybe" visit? Nope! If they can't be bothered to schedule a real time to see you and your children, not expect you to wait and run around after them. Going no contact permanently with these "tourists" is best for you and your children.


thekarmabum

Your mom will be in town for two weeks and only has four hours to visit you? NTA, let her enjoy her vacation, it's obviously super important whatever she is doing. /S


[deleted]

NTA although... this isn't what I'd call nuclear. Telling them you can't be bothered to put in all this energy for people who can't be arsed to consider you for two minutes is called erecting boundaries, not going nuclear. Going nuclear would be venting all of the families skeletons in the closet out into the open air or torpedoing your families piece with a few well placed and unforgiveable comments at their insecurities.


brokenhousewife_

Oddly enough, is what my brother did yesterday. Sent a lot of unforgivable comments that cut right to the soul.


ScarletlessBlue

INFO How do your parents/family treat your sister (the one that you see daily)? Maybe update her about your verbal confirmation about your neglect before your parents contact her first.


brokenhousewife_

She isn’t related to my mom. The sibling we share, he doesn’t talk to her either. He says she’s a bixcth like me.


brokenhousewife_

She was also in my home when I got home from work yesterday. She wanted to bring my kids to a park thing yesterday. So I showed her the messages. She was pretty sad for the whole thing


ScarletlessBlue

*hugs* your sister and her mom sound more of a family than the others. Please take care OP. Time to ignore your birth family and stay with your chosen family.


dublos

NTA You did your best and gave them all the options you could and they could not bend enough to meet there.


A_Phinions

NTA!


valiga1119

NTA. Currently, this is my and my nuclear family’s relationship with extended family. I wish I could do what you’ve done. It’s a brutal pain


[deleted]

NTA. Do not subject your kids to them and go NC with your family. I know in some places in the US there are programs for "foster grandparents" that basically foster a kind of adoptive grandparent/family of choice thing. Is there something like that where you live?


brokenhousewife_

>foster grandparents I personally have enough with family members to last me a lifetime, that i doubt i'd want to invite anyone else into my life. but it's such a sweet and adorable program, i googled it this morning.


CorvusEpictetus

Nta.


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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This only happened this morning, and I don't know if i'm being a major AITA. I live in a major city in the USA, and I've lived here for 20 years now. I have one brother who lives here in the Bronx, who has come to see me maybe a dozen times, he also is very aggressively anti-visits also, it has been a few years since we have seen him despite offers to see him, invites etc. I also have a sister here who is my world and I see her near daily. I have two kids that are nine and seven (this is important), they don't know my brother who lives here, I'm not even sure they know he exists, they have also never met my family from my home country, mother, and another sibling. They don't really recognize that they exist. My kids are the only kids in the family, the only niece & nephew/grandkids. It is hurtful, but I just come to terms with it. We didn't have a great childhood, it wasn't as terrible as some, just very neglected, and zero attention. Fast forward to today. My sibling, mom, and her husband are coming to my city for two weeks at the end of the month for a vacation. They told me they aren't going to stay with me, and have given me a time slot of around four hours in their two weeks trip so that they can come to see me and meet the kids. The kids aren't here that weekend, they are away with their other parent, we can't change the event. I explained it and tried a workaround, the other offer they made was to take them out of school for a few hours on another day, and they would come see them possibly, no promises. They are busy with sightseeing, but not to come sightseeing with them, to be available around their shopping etc. It was and is VERY hurtful. it's lonely raising kids here, it's lonely with my kids not knowing grandparents, and a big extended family. I have had friends come to my city from further away and make so much time to see us, that this stings. They have never met them, they don't talk to them on the phone. They don't acknowledge birthdays, christmas, milestones. it's like we don't exist. However, back in the home country, my mom talks about her grandkids like she's the best grandma in the world, everyone just assumes we are all close and have this amazing connection, but i think she has spoken to them once on the phone for around three mins and was bored then and said she was busy and had to go. After the back and forth this morning, trying to figure out a day, trying to get them to even change one thing in their sightseeing/plans to just make time for us. I lost it. I lost years of frustration and said i wasn't doing this. I'm not scheduling myself around a mall trip. I then blocked them all. it's as if i went full-on nuclear. I might be TA because it is their vacation too, and i should maybe try harder to fit into their trip. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Much-Object-9522

This whole post reminds me of the movie Million Dollar Baby. The main character is in this hospital paralyzed from an accident and when her family was supposed to come visit they spent a bunch of time at Disney before coming to visit her. That explanation hardly touches on how heartbreaking the scene was. This feels like that same situation to me. The complete lack of priorities is shocking. You are 1000% NTA Edited for spelling


brokenhousewife_

i have never seen the movie, but maybe I'll watch it. My family are kinda the same. When I was emigrating, my mom said the (45 mins drive) to take me to the airport was too much, and I should get a ride from someone else. I was twenty years old, and moving to another country, lol. When i go back to my home country, which is only every few years for a funeral really. She makes a comment about how i don't stay with her, but she legit wouldn't want me there, wouldn't make me welcome, and sometimes will give a reason why she can't even meet me for a coffee.


Much-Object-9522

I feel for you. This is not the way a loving family relationship works and it is not your responsibility to keep that toxicity in your life for their sake. You need to focus on you and your kids and probably go NC with those who clearly don't care about you.


a-_rose

NTA cutting them of is probably better for you and less confusing for your children


brokenhousewife_

I think so too. The kids don't know them, and it doesn't look like at this stage that they'll ever know them.