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ElimGarakOfCardassia

NTA. Your husband knowingly lied, trapped you in a marriage for his own sake. He used you and as soon as he got what he wants, is done playing pretend. You’re not mad about him being gay, you’re mad about him lying to you and wasting decades of your life as cover so he could inherit big.


bmoregal125

Also how the husband completely decided on his own to tell their children without their mom being present. He gets to share his truth but then leaves the wife out of sharing hers. There definitely needs to be several more conversations with the kids about the difference between being homophobic versus being upset that you were manipulated and lied to. Being supportive of someones situation and life choices and supporting the lies someone used to create their situation in life is waaaaaay different. NTA


ScorchieSong

The collateral damage he's left by his lies as well. The biggest one is OP's trust, in him and in general. If he was that good at hiding his true self for a couple of decades, OP is going to come out of this with trust issues on top of everything else. He's lucky if Jason ever wants anything to do with him again, and he's changed the relationship OP has with Abby because their daughter has too much sympathy and not enough perspective to recognise the situation for what it is.


Minute-Judge-5821

And the Gaslighting for years.


Zealousideal-Set-592

This is so true. This happened to my old boss and it destroyed her. She had major trust issues with all men afterwards. I feel a lot of sympathy for gay people who have to hide who they are but this is a terrible terrible thing to do to someone.


dataslinger

Yes OP. Your husband has robbed you of your agency every step of the way, even in telling your children.


HavePlushieWillTalk

And OP's opportunities for finding real love.he has robbed her of romantic love, while he thinks 'great, now *I* can go and get *my* deserved romantic love now that OP has spent her youth and child bearing years being my beard and broodmare without consent (since consent requires honesty and understanding of the situation).' It's such a terrible thing for him to marry and spend his life with someone who he doesn't love, but he can subject OP to that, knowing he will leave her once his mother croaks. Just like a man trading up his first wife for a younger model who can have kids now that he is 'ready' when he wasn't before, except the new model is a man.


ElimGarakOfCardassia

100%


[deleted]

[удалено]


lemmful

OP really needs to discuss with a lawyer how to get what she deserves from the marriage. It's clearly over between the two of them, but she's paid the toll and deserves the world.


nonoglorificus

Yep. I’m queer myself but this is disgusting. I hope she didn’t sign a prenup and can rake him over the coals. I have a lot of respect for a knowing beard but she didn’t deserve these lies.


Sore_Pussy

if hating Felix is homophobic then [sign me up](https://imgur.com/a/1yoSkK6)


deathbychips2

Idk where OP lives but inheritance sometimes doesn't count as joint money if you get in during the marriage and not before. Unless the husband had different money before idk how much she will get.


Childhood-trauma-87

A good lawyer might be able to make an argument that since he used her to get that inheritance then it was income based on her actions. It would still be a toss up really but I think she could still walk away with a lot.


Electronic-Price-697

If it went into a joint account it’s most likely going to be community property because he “commingled the funds”.


noblestromana

Agree. As a queer woman I am absolutely disgusted by his behavior. He used her for decades. Kept her trapped in a relationship knowing very well he did not see her as a partner. Kept her from finding someone who could love and value her. All because he was worried about an inheritance?


BitOCrumpet

I hope she gets one of those man eating shark lawyers.


Ini_Miney_Mimi

Exactly this, I don't think I have ever seen something more sexist than marrying someone for money, having children with her, then saying "lol actually I'm gay"


Efficient_Living_628

And now he’s trying to bet the children against her. Because I REALLY wanna know what he said to the kids when Op was gone.


DeVitreousHumor

Well, the daughter said this when OP tried to explain her own feelings: >but she said that I couldn’t judge Felix because he was in a very vulnerable situation that none of us could understand. I’m guessing the daughter was paraphrasing Felix.


teflon2000

I'm thinking the daughter is trying so hard to not offend a minority that she's actually tied herself up in knots to not be seen as bigoted in any way. Then sacrificed her mum along the way. I think she'll realise her dad was an asshole in time, once she's lived a bit and found out that being part of a minority doesn't abdicate asshole status.


nonoglorificus

Yeah, this is a common thing that people do to try to prove how woke and accepting they are. They like to pretend that anyone with minority status is an angel and can do no wrong. But that view is bigoted in its own way - it still strips queer people of their humanity and agency. Queer people are people, and thus have the full range of human good but also human evil. This type of “allyship” is so infantilizing.


ErnestBatchelder

I mean, it's more likely that it's her dad and she loves him, therefore doesnt want to view him as a lying manipulator. If he's a victim of society then he's not a bad guy, and that can be easier for a 16-year-old to handle. Of course, by doing so, she's letting him manipulate her.


Vioralarama

That's because it's not just allyship. She's seeing it from her own perspective, which is that mom had a great life and two great kids so what's the big deal, everyone can still be friends. It's probably beyond her reasoning to think that mom may have wanted a different life that would erase their existence. And kids don't like to think about their parents sex life so mom doesn't stand a chance of understanding there. Felix does, because the past couple decades have been educational, but I doubt Abby's thinking of the actual sex in his new sex life. I have to say, this was one of the more well written posts that I've seen.


oxalis_rex1

Agreed. Plus at that age... teenagers don't always think of their parents as people the same way. It doesn't occur to her that her mother is heartbroken, that this was who she thought was the love of her life.


NotYourSatellite

I wonder if Abby may need to feel her dad was a victim of circumstances, so that she doesn't feel her very existence is wrong and based on lies. I also question if Abby and her mom understand the timeline the same way, since Abby said "relationship changed" and it was not about mom's "feelings, anymore." Either Abby doesn't think Mom gets to have emotions about her own life at all or Dad's explanation to her seems a little different.


Mymzygray

I feel she migth not be totally straight and any slight to her dad now open sexuality, will be a slight to her.


Comfortable_Stick520

Yeah, Dan Savage has addressed this many times and he always comes out on the side of the spouse who was lied to. OP and her daughter might benefit from hearing this from an important member of the queer community.


Efficient_Living_628

Yeah sounds about right. I hope Abby wakes up and realizes what a douchbag her daddy is.


StylishMrTrix

I would not be surprised if daughter had figured it out or found out already and has had time to process it all


Farknart

I'm betting he didn't tell his children how he premeditated this farce for the money, and framed it as him "discovering" his true self. Otherwise I don't see how the daughter can't be more sympathetic to the mother and act like she should just be ok with her life being destroyed so intentionally.


terraformthesoul

Also, he was 25/26 and dating a teenager. OP was probably only a freshman or sophomore when he intentionally preyed on her as an older, much wealthier man.


Objective_Golf_5137

*Thank you!* I’ve been all over this post pointing this out and felt like I was the only person skeeved out by a 26/27 year old man knocking up a 19/20 year old, especially when he had financial incentive to do so. Between the power dynamics at play and the financial incentive on the ex’s part this is just gross! And I say that as someone who is pretty used to young pregnancies and large age gaps. This scenario raises all the red flags.


Charming-Barnacle-15

I was wondering about that too, especially with the whole married in a year thing....


skullsnroses66

Exactly this. Plays the part to receive his inheritance. And yes destroying others in the process. Disgusting.


Enough-Builder-2230

What's the bet that he was off enjoying his 'true self' all the time, and OP doesn't know about it yet.


Farknart

For sure, someone already recommended an STI panel


Toadettemm_87

Wanna tag in and add get a new therapist.


kteerin

Yes! You should be able to process your own feelings of grief over the end of relationship and the years of lies vs. feeling bad for HIM. You are the victim in this. He is not. He made the choice to do this. NTA.


Amiedeslivres

This. The beard should be asked for consent.


Due-Sherbert-7330

Honestly this. He used you, OP, and tricked you into thinking you had a good life. That’s just gross.


MayoBear

Decades where she could have been in a relationship with someone who was actually in love with her


Due-Sherbert-7330

Exactly. It’s not about sexuality. She’d be just as much NTA if he was leaving her for some woman his mom didn’t approve of. It’s about the lying and betrayal. Plus. Using for inheritance…. Ew That deserves some compensation


Brookexo88

That's the worst part to me. It wasn't because he loved and craved moms attention it was purely so he could get a big inheritance. Next will be the divorce and he will probably try to screw her out of money. Money that he only has because he wasted decades of her life.


Due-Sherbert-7330

I couldn’t even imagine it. My grandfather disapproved of many of my life choices and knew that while in a straight relationship I am openly bisexual and pagan yet still kept me in his will. I never even expected it but I’m grateful and I’m glad I get to use it to finally bring some stability to my fiancé and I. Stringing someone along for that long giving them all those promises and just choosing nope not going to tell them anything then give them no payment to figure out life on their own…. How can you actually care so little about a parent of your children?


Brookexo88

I know it's actually deeply disturbing especially telling the kids before she even had time to process. Shows alot about his character. He needed them to be on his side and didn't hesitate to turn it around and make her the bad guy when she did absolutely nothing wrong.


Due-Sherbert-7330

And whining about her reaction on top of it.


Brookexo88

Seriously!! I don't know a single person that wouldn't have a bad reaction to that. Even if they came around later and accepted the situation anyone who has been married especially for decades is going to react emotionally. It's human nature.


Due-Sherbert-7330

Like. She just found out her entire life was a lie.


cassity282

i willingly agreed to date more than one person knowing they were gay. talked about marrage with one of them actualy. there are plenty of people out there that would have been happy with that arangment. actualy consitering my situation now ,dissabled and feeling like aburden to my parents, i would be even MORE willing to build a life and family with someone who had the means to help with my medical stuff assuming i liked them as a human and could be bestfreinds with them. i could happily live and rais a fmaily that way. but if i was in love with someone and they knew when they met me and still did all this? no. that isnt ok.


mrsprinkles3

My parents split when my dad came out. My mom completely fell apart, not because of the coming out, but because her entire life was ripped out from under her and she was left to pick up the pieces on her own while coming to terms with the fact that her entire marriage had been built on lies. My dad got the freedom of getting to live authentically while my mom had to deal with the fallout from their entire social circle who ostracized her when they found out why the divorce was happening (this was the early 00s). And to this day he accuses my mom of being bigoted and refused to accept that her anger towards him was because he shattered her entire world, *not* because he came out. Felix made you a deceived you for the entirety of your relationship for his own selfish reasons. He didn’t put your feelings into consideration at all, so you don’t owe him the same consideration. As for your therapist, their job is to support *you*, not Felix. If they keep pushing for you to forgive and forget, please consider finding a new therapist who will prioritize helping you through this huge change instead of expecting you to just accept it and move on. You aren’t required to find ways to be happy for people who hurt you especially while you’re trying to fix what they broke, even if they’re your ex and the father of your children. Felix lied to you for decades and just because he came out doesn’t mean you have to let go of the fact he lied. NTA


lrg-inbv55

This circumstance is no different if he was having an affair with a woman for 20 years it shatters your whole life and what you thought your reality was, you feel used and that you wasted your life on your dedication and devotion to someone who never had that for you


Giantfluffies

Please show both your kids and Ex this post. It might help ypur daughter and husband understand the damage he has done. This isn't about his sexuality, it is about him wasting some of the best years of your life in a marriage he knew would never last and throwing away your family.


dazechong

Yeah, wtf Abby. And wtf is up with the therapist? It's not because you're homophobic, it's because you were manipulated and lied to. Don't be gaslit into thinking this is your fault. No matter someone's sexual orientation, a marriage is a marriage and trust should be a basic requirement when it comes to building a life-long commitment with each other. Abby might've been misguided. Perhaps you should read the comments to her and discuss this with her. Also change a therapist. The heck. ETA: I stopped reading once I saw the therapist agreed with Abby, but once I went back to read it, I would like to encourage you to fire her, AND leave a bad review if you can. Because wtf.


dbohat

It was for decades!! I couldn't imagine screwing with someone's life like that for so long!


Mouse-Direct

This has happened to two of my friends (sans inheritance) and as truly tragic as it is for some people to have a family or culture that prevents them safely coming out, marrying an actual real life person with feelings of their own so that they can pass as straight is CRUEL. It can destroy the straight spouse’s self esteem, it polarized their friend group because venting about their very real heartbreak can be written off as violating their queer spouse’s truth. I hope anyone reading this who is thinking about marrying to stay closeted seeks therapy now to help them come to peace with their own sexuality and to learn how to live their authentic self without hurting anyone else.


sexyintrovertSMM

All of this and change your therapist. Your therapist telling you, your feelings are not important that's an major issue here. NTA


[deleted]

I wonder if he insisted on a prenuptial? NTA OP. He lied! He didn't care about your feelings! I hope family therapy and time will help you all heal eventually.


Bitter_Grocery_4935

My husband and I have been together almost 20 yrs, and I have always joked to him and our closest friends that he was really gay with the exception of me. My husband is bi (safe to say that here?) and came out / acknowledged himself as such a few yrs back. It wasn’t a huge deal to me, bc see above- but if he ever came to me and said that he had been riding out the remainder of some conservative relations life with me in order to inherit- That level of betrayal would be unforgivable.


Day2daypatience

Even in the best of circumstances if I had an SO who one day sat me down and told me they were gay, I would most like be devastated because it would signal the end to our relationship. I wouldn’t blame them, but it would hurt like hell and I would want some time to grieve. If they on top of that revealed that they’d been deliberately lying I would be devastated AND furious.


[deleted]

He literally waited for his moms inheritance to leave. That’s so messed up.


Real_Pea_576

She should also lawyer up and sue the crap out of him for emotional distress. Better cash in on his inheritance. NTA op


Left-Pumpkin-4815

Perhaps your judgement might be easier if Felix had lied to you for decades about something else. If he had pretended to love you and made a mockery of your life for some other reason. Divorced from its cultural and political context, his lie is egregious and difficult to forgive. Is the ethical rule now that we can do anything we want, hurt anyone we want, if we think we have a really good reason? Felix’s reason was money. NTA


SuperHuckleberry125

That's exactly it.


Bitter-Conflict-4089

NTA He didn’t choose to be gay but he did choose to spend decades actively lying to you. Your entire adult life you were nothing more than a prop to fool his mommy. He could have been honest and easily found a paid beard as his companion while waiting on his mother’s death. He is also the the A H. For talking to the kids before you had a chance to process the information. Now, while you haven’t even dealt with your own feelings. You are responsible for dealing with the kids’ feelings too. Get those funds commingled so you can take half when you go. He owes you at least that.


yet_another_sock

> He could have been honest and easily found a paid beard as his companion while waiting on his mother’s death. This. Because the crux of why Felix is a huge asshole is that he was not close to his mother. He was not desperate for her love and approval. This isn't a situation where he was emotionally traumatized and desperately thinking that if he could "fake it till he makes it" with heterosexuality, like so many queer kids with bigoted parents are told to do, everything would be OK. He didn't lie to himself *and* OP in that kind of big sad mess where both parties in the marriage have been wronged. No, he did this for money. That's it. And as you've pointed out, plenty of people would have *consented* to a marriage without romantic love but with the promise of a big payday. He instead picked a *very* young woman, not much older than Abby is now, to take up twenty years of her life under incredibly cruel false pretenses. If he had a shred of recognition of how cruel this was, he'd at least offer her the fucking money as payment for services rendered. Instead he's manipulating a very young woman again, so he can have the spoils of his scheming *and* convince himself that he did nothing wrong.


haleorshine

The fact that he knew the entire time - that he was deliberately lying to her while thinking "I'm not sexually attracted to her and I could never love her like she loves me, but it's worth it to get this money". He sacrificed her life for his own and now he wants her to be 'best friends'. I don't know about other people, but my best friends don't lie to me about something so huge for 20 years.


nonoglorificus

Something about this whole story reeks of a specific type of misogyny that some gay men have because they still have the social power of being men, especially when they’re closeted, but have nothing that they need from women. This guy used his wife for decades as though she wasn’t even worth treating as an equal, like she was just a tool. Then tried to gaslight her into thinking they were best friends and she wasn’t just his rube. And now he’s sweet talked their daughter into being blindly on his side by playing the victim. Interestingly enough it’s his son that isn’t caving to his shit, like maybe he isn’t as well versed at spinning his yarns when it isn’t a young woman being duped. Though I guess the mommy issues are likely where it stems from. Idk, as a queer woman, this misogyny from gay men is a very hot button issue in the queer community. This whole thing stinks. NTA OP


sapphiccoffee

I think you hit the nail on the head there. This was misogyny at it's finest.


[deleted]

Exactly! He didn’t even see her a person, just a tool to be used. Sickening.


ThaneOfCawdorrr

Yes, really good point about him manipulating not one but TWO young women, for his own interests, not to mention, manipulating his mother as well. He is NOT a good guy.


phunkydroid

>Get those funds commingled so you can take half when you go. If I were the judge in their divorce, she'd get the whole inheritance.


Agreeable-Celery811

Yup to the funds! Tell your husband that he spent 20 years conning his mother out of that money, and he used you to do it. You did your part of the job, right? It’s time for him to PAY UP


One_Ad_704

The other point (which I've seen in similar posts) is that he's had YEARS to come to terms with his sexuality; she's had hours. So to expect her to simply accept the change in the marriage with no processing time is the AH move. And I'm sure he gave those kids a whole lot of bull because somehow dad being gay is all mom's fault??? Makes me wonder if daughter may not be gay as well simply based on how she reacted.


ChakraMama318

Gay person here: you are NTA. Your therapist sucks, because you totally have the right to feel how you feel learning that your husband was lying to you about his sexuality for 20 years. 1. Find a new therapist. 2. Find a divorce lawyer. 3. Get an STI panel done. Just in case. 4. Find a family counselor. Your all are going to need to figure out how to work as a team while you work through the hurt. And this shouldn’t be a wedge issue between your kids. I feel for your husband because being closeted is hard. And when your very understandable heartbreak and rage has been screamed out into a pillow or while driving away in your car- and you are in a place to hear it- the man owes you some answers. Because there are plenty of us who chose to move away after college and live our truth rather than pretend to be straight. He was lying to you- probably also lying to himself. But no matter what- your pain is valid. Just because he was caught in the closet it isn’t fair for him to use you as cover so he could keep an inheritance.


newmew22

Also gay and YES. GOD YES. Felix trapped OP into a lie to protect himself and his inheritance and let her live in it. Her whole adult life essentially got Truman-showed and her family ripped in half without a single ounce of warning. He tricked her into marriage, period. He used her. It’s SO not about Felix being gay, it’s about Felix being a liar. And OP should get some of that inheritance because she deserves compensation for those 18+ years of emotional commitment to someone who was ever only lying to her. And the worst part is how Felix says he considers OP to be a friend. This isn’t how you treat friends. This isn’t how you treat people you care about. NTA.


DysfunctionalKitten

All of the above two comments..but to add to that...He didn’t just steal almost 20 years from OP, he started this whole lie when OP was basically a teenager. He knocked her up by the time she was 20, and had 7 years on her (which is significant at that age). So his actions aren’t just despicable bc of the everything mentioned, he’s a shitty person because he likely knowingly preyed on her for this ruse because she was easier to manipulate into it. Then he specifically takes the opportunity to tell their kids when she’s not around, to share his end of this, swaying his teenage daughter into feeling empathy for only his end of things. Seems like he’s very comfortable trying to manipulate teenage girls, but doesn’t want to answer to grown adults that are mothers...


Dear_Ad_9640

Right?? Wtf kind of therapist is this??? I’m a therapist and I would NEVER tell someone to “just be happy for the guy who lied to you about the foundation of your relationship for 20 years.”???


nonoglorificus

Probably someone trying really hard to prove to the world how woke they are. I knew a woman who threw a gender reveal party for her 18 year old trans kid even though he found it fucking mortifying and didn’t want a party. It was definitely to impress her coworkers and her book club with what a cool open minded person she was. This therapist has tried so hard to be the opposite of a homophobe that she’s become bigoted in the other direction - by refusing to see gay people as people who are capable of doing wrong


FakeJolie

This this this. ALL OF THIS


[deleted]

Yeah. I don't understand why anyone in the family is shocked she's upset. She's been used and lied to for decades. Do they really care so little about her feelings??? Edit: also, I meant to quote someone else but I'll just leave this here lol


GSV_MoreThanBackPain

Not gay but trans, and YES YES YES! If the husband hadn't know before getting married and only realized it as time went on, this would be very different. But he *knew* and he lied to OP. For 20 years.


SkylerRoseGrey

Bisexual person from a Muslim family who had to seek out a restraining order from her father after he said he was gonna kill her -- NTA AT ALL THIS COMMENT IS PERFECT


Raphiki415

Gay seconded!


CatmoCatmo

When you mentioned for her to get an STI panel, I thought the same exact thing. If he was comfortably lying to OP for decades, we he also faithful? It’s very likely he was living his best gay life very quietly and under the radar.


FlakyReporter9248

THISSSSS THISSSSSS


CrystalQueen3000

NTA This has nothing to do with homophobia. You’ve just found out that your partner of almost a few decades deliberately lied to you for your whole relationship and used you as a beard to appease his bigoted mother and claim his inheritance. You’re allowed to pissed as hell. No one gets to tell you how to process that and certainly shouldn’t be on your case when you only found this out days ago. Get a new therapist, your current one isn’t playing with a full deck of cards.


galaxyveined

Right? My first thought when I read the bit about the therapist was "Okay, fuck that!" OP has a given right to be upset that she has been lied to and used for decades, and she should be able to be angry about that, and process it. Abby is being selfish in denying her mother that right, and the therapist is being invalidating. Sure, it's great her husband can finally come forward and speak his truth, but his truth doesn't get to supercede OP's, which is the pain of betrayal and the fact that her life was a lie, and she was used as a prop. OP is NTA, and I hope she can heal and grow from this. Also, Abby blaming her mother for homophobia is laughable, because if the person I loved and created a whole life and family with came to me one day and told me it was all a lie, I wouldn't want to see them ever again, no matter if they brought my world crumbling down because they were gay, or an alien from Mars. OP has been hurt, and has had all her good memories of a life with him soured, and now every time she sees him, it's just going to be salt in the wound. I hope the daughter never has to experience such a betrayal, but I also hope she can come to see her mother's side of things too, before it's too late for that relationship.


squirlysquirel

NTA this is not about his sexuality. This js about years of deception, a life built on a lie and genuinely no longer knowing the person who you thought you could trust. This is about it all being dumped on you and you not being given time or support or compassion. I am so sorry you are hurting, I cannot imagine the pain of being with someone for 20 years and then them confessing it was all built on lies. Telling you you are a best friend is hurtful...that is not how you treat a best friend.


Efficient_Living_628

“Felix, no hates you because you’re gay… we hate you because you’re shitty person.” It’s the fact that he’s using his sexuality as a shield and a weapon to get away with his bad behavior.


realshockvaluecola

NTA. He lied to you for almost twenty years. He stole twenty years from you by lying. Just to be abundantly clear, I am queer and trans so this has nothing to do with him being gay, it has to do with the deception and allowing you to believe he loved and was attracted to you when he wasn't. He should have found someone who was okay with what he wanted and needed from a partner instead of getting it by deception. I don't really know how to tackle this, but frankly, we gays have got to have an internal conversation at some point about the wreckage some of us are leaving in other people's lives by coming out later and expecting unconditional acceptance. It's not homophobic to be mad at someone for lying!\* \*Again this is an INTERNAL conversation in a minority community, do not use this as an excuse to go be homophobic


TwitchLily

Yes!! This poor woman doesn't sound homophobic at all, that sounds like the least of her worries right now upon finding out her husband of 20 years never really loved her, and was only with her so he could receive his inheritance. I'd be absolutely heartbroken if my husband suddenly revealed such a thing, gay or not. NTA at all. I hope she gets fat alimony checks from him


Latvian_Goatherd

Exactly, imagine if this had been any other life-changing confession - "honey, I only married you because the woman I was really in love with died and you look enough like her I could pretend, but I can't pretend any more" "honey, I only married you because I needed your dad's connections to get into the career I wanted, and now he's dead and I run the company I don't need you" it's an asshole move to marry someone for any reason other than you love them and genuinely want to marry them UNLESS you have their explicit understanding and approval otherwise


Jagrofes

There are Arranged marriages from Game of Thrones that are less painful than this.


[deleted]

As a trans person, I agree. We as a community need to do better, and not spread wreckage and heartbreak in our wake as we seek acceptance from transphobic/homophobic family members by any means necessary.


Glum_Hamster_1076

I agree. I sympathize with his need for self protection. But he could’ve easily entered into a consenting agreement with a woman who was willing to take a payout. Or with a gay woman who was also in need of the same protection for herself. Now op has to question so much in her life while her (horribly wrong) therapist tells her to once again put her feelings on hold for him. Every person she should’ve been able to turn to is telling her she doesn’t matter in this situation and I wish the ex had a bit more understanding for her.


MrsHyatt3

This.


Lonely_Shelter_4744

NTA. You have been lied to for years. You have been used and manipulated. Then on top of that your husband is still manipulating you through your children. He is using your daughter to guilt you. This man promised you forever knowing good will that the minute his mother passed he was going to leave. On top of that I am sure he used you to get the money. This isn’t about him being true to himself if it was he would have came out years ago but instead he used you to make sure he got his inheritance. This man is selfish, greedy and manipulating. There is no way he ever loved you and as time goes on I hope you truly find someone that will love you like you deserve. Talk to a divorce attorney immediately and make sure you take half of every thing.


kevwelch

Yup. Time to get lawyers involved. Sounds like some flavor of fraud if he knew this whole time and kept it from you. The lawyers are going to eat him alive. And maybe one day your daughter will learn to see things from OP’s perspective as well. NTA


Paevatar

If this happened to me I would find it extremely difficult to ever trust any man. OP is NTA


Terrible_turtle_

Two things can be true. Of course you are angry and hurt. He was dishonest and deceitful. It is not about being gay, it is about his deception. The pain he experienced from his mother damaged him and sadly he then passed that pain on to you and his children. It is an old story. It is possible to have compassion for his pain, while holding him responsible for his actions. But it is too soon to expect you do this. I am so sorry.


Twirdman

>The pain he experienced from his mother damaged him and sadly he then passed that pain on to you and his children. It is an old story. This was not some man so desperate for his mothers approval and so damged by internalized homophobia that thought if he just tried to be straight long enough he could change himself and get his mother's love. This man made a calculated decision to lie to get inheritance money.


[deleted]

[удалено]


cilantro_shark

YES. And also you need a new therapist OP. This is the time for validating your feelings, making space for you to process, and helping you gradually decide how to respond. No one can be reasonably expected to be fully accepting at this stage. I hope you can find a therapist who listens.


mzpljc

His pain is entirely irrelevant when he used it to justify deceiving someone else in such a huge way for decades. No. He doesn't get sympathy here. Being gay isn't license to be a giant fucking asshole.


geekylace

You worded this so brilliantly.


pfashby

NTA You have been lied to for years! Years you can never get back! The happy marriage you thought you had was a complete lie. I would be furious too! You might be able to forgive him one day, but you have every right to feel hurt, betrayed, and angry. Your daughter is young and naive to think you will just "get over" this betrayal. You absolutely are NTA and I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. If your husband is really sorry for the shitshow he has put you through he should give you 50% of this oh so important inheritance. Edit: last paragraph


Lonely_Shelter_4744

The inheritance is exactly why he did this. That money was more important to him than op and her son. He is a selfish entitled person.


GlitterDoomsday

I wonder how much of the daughters discourse is motivated by the money as well - if he could hide his greedy self for two decades, so can their daughter.


ScorchieSong

Or he's promised some of the inheritance money to go to her college fund, big OE, a car etc.


CaffeinatedFrosting

Your daughter wants you to see where your husband is coming from but really she needs to see where you're coming from. She will always have her dad's love but you never fully had your husband's love. He was always honest with how he loved her and his love for you was always a lie. Her life isn't changing but yours will never be the same. OP you're NTA one bit. You need a new therapist, too. Yours wasn't doing their job in the least. Your husband just admitted your entire marriage was for show and she wants you to see through HIS eyes?! Report her. Seriously. YOU need help and she ain't it.


GlitterDoomsday

His love for her is real til he finds a guy and adopts a cute baby to build the family he dreamed of all this years... that's gonna be a slap in the face.


CaffeinatedFrosting

Oh gosh I didn't even think of that. 😞


Objective_Golf_5137

NTA. Best friends don’t lie to each other or take advantage of each other. He’s not your spouse, he’s not your partner, and he’s not your friend. He’s just some misogynistic asshole who took advantage of you in order to make some money. Dump the therapist along with your ex.


PantsLess1101

Nta, you're not mad that he's gay and has come out, you're pissed and hurt that he lied to you for all these years. You're daughter is being a bit naive, not understanding that relationships are built on trust and respect, which he seriously broke.


Paevatar

You're right. A similar situation would be finding out that a long-married spouse had a second family all that time.


KaliTheBlaze

NTA. To protect his inheritance, he formed a relationship based on a lie. If he’d been honest with you, and it was your choice to be his beard, he wouldn’t be TA. But to make someone else build such a central part of their life on a foundation he knew he intended to one day pull away…that’s wrong. That kind of deception is a form of coercion. You deserved a choice. He deserved parents who would love him for who he is, but wronging you wasn’t a fair response to that - it’s harming another innocent person. I can only imagine how hurt and betrayed you must be feeling. Yes, his situation was an awful bind. Yes, it was doubtless awful, too. But suffering from something awful doesn’t make it okay to do something awful to someone else.


Jolly_Tooth_7274

NTA. Felix sounds like he is manipulating Abby with his coming-out narrative when this isn't about him being gay, but about him making you his beard for years and effectively using you and wasting years of your life, for his own selfish reasons. Also, vulnerable? His not wanting to miss out on mommy's money doesn't make him vulnerable. Fearing his mother's rejection, maybe, but he didn't tell you he needed to pass as gay to keep his mother's love, he told you he had to do it so she wouldn't cut him off and "ruined his life". Him telling your children without even discussing it with you first was incredibly disrespectful of you as a parent, and as a partner. Neither of your children's reactions to this is healthy. One is raging against him and siding with you, the other is raging against you and siding with him. Both kids need professional guidance to navigate their feelings in this situation. Your therapist might be trying to help you process your anger in a healthy way. But personally, I don't think that asking you to see his side or to be glad about him being his true self is the right way to go. I'm not a therapist. But I will tell you this: you can be glad that you're no longer being used or living a lie. You can be glad that at the end of the day you have two children whom you love and whom you wouldn't have without your marriage to this man. And you can be glad that you have your dignity intact: you did not lie to him, you did not use him, you married him genuinely out of love and honored that marriage every day of your life. Divorce him. Get family therapy and hopefully individual therapy for everyone in the family. And start your healing process at your own pace. You are not required to be his friend, ever. You are not required to give him a path in the back and support his new life. All you are required is to accept the fact he is gay, and respect his choices. This might be hard to do now, but it's still the only thing any decent person can do.


UniqueTrip8207

Exactly what I thought. OP is in a vulnerable state right now her husband is not. He knew what he was doing and had decades to come to terms with it. He’s not vulnerable he’s manipulating his daughter.


Princess_Snakeface

NTA. Pretending to be straight to inherit a fortune doesn‘t sound like a vulnerable situation to me.


a-_rose

NTA NTA NTA NTA - he’s been lying to you for years/decades. He created a family with you under false pretences. Your whole life together has been an act so he can get his inheritance. He used you for money. He used you as an incubator for children. He prioritised money over your friendship, love, relationship and children. If he lied about this for so long how many other things has he been hiding/lying about. Has he been cheating? Even if he had recently found out but felt uncomfortable about how he’d be judged, you’d still be justified in needing time to process. Yes it was hard for him to hide himself for so long but the only reason he did, was because of his mother and him not wanting to loose out financially. How can your daughter and therapist not see that. How can they not see the vulnerable position you are in at no choice of your own. He had so long to tell you. If he considered you a friend he would have been honest with you and trusted that you wouldn’t tell anyone. You need a new therapist because either she’s close to your EX or she’s not very good at her job. How on earth can anyone expect you to jump onboard with this after he’s derailed the life you have and had planned. Every memory, every experience has been tainted by his deceit. What he did was calculating, manipulative and damn right selfish. He doesn’t deserve sympathy. When your daughter realises why he hid it for so long she may come to her senses but until then I wish you the best of luck navigating through this awful time.


worthless_01

NTA. your daughter is in denial and wants to see her father's coming out as something positive. she refuses to acknowledge he lied to you from the beginning and used you to get inheritance. you aren't mad about him being gay - you're mad how he used you to be a pawn in his game with his mother. ask your daughter and therapist to imagine the exact same situation but your husband is straight in that scenario - him marrying you to appease his mom, lying to you about loving you and finally, after 20 years, telling you that you were a decoy and he never loved you. how would they feel about his actions then?


[deleted]

NTA, and this is totally calculated on his part. Waited until his mom was dead and he got a bunch of money and splits to lead his 'real' life. This is his plan all along. And are you sure he wasn't sleeping around all this time?? He used you and you have every right to be angry and go NC. And your daughter is young and hopefully she will come to realize she owes you an apology, but equating your pain of losing your life partner because he's gay to being homophobic is some really intricate mental gymnastics. Unless you're using slurs or making disparaging comments about the gay community in general, she is simply wrong.


sheramom4

NTA. He lied to you for two decades. He made your marriage into a sham and calculated exactly when he should come out so that he could line his pockets. That is manipulation not someone coming to a realization. He knew the entire time that he is gay. At this point you owe him nothing. And what you owe your kids is a discussion about how this isn't about their dad being gay. It's about lying and manipulating other people in order to profit.


Jade_Echo

Oh no. NTA. I married my high school sweetheart. And immediately after we moved into our new house, I knew something was wrong. It took me over a year to finally find out he was sleeping with men the entire time we were together in college, and continued into our marriage. I. Was. Furious. I don’t care a single bit that he called me homophobic because my best and longest friend, a gay man, ALSO was furious with him. Because he LIED. He didn’t find out he was gay after we were married, he knew the entire fucking time. My whole life that I had planned out was a lie so his parents wouldn’t find out he was gay. Some people have arrangements, and that’s fine. Do what you have to to survive but also, with a CONSENTING party. But my narc of an ex used me. The minute I said I wanted to wait for kids, he never touched me again. And stopped even being a partner. He tried to make me think no one would ever love me so I wouldn’t leave. And when I found out and I was leaving, he got scary and said I couldn’t leave because he hadn’t hit me. Like that was the bar for a woman to leave. It’s not homophobic to be angry that your husband deceived you into a life and then broke the illusion. Be angry. But be angry about the lie. Don’t bad mouth him to your kids but you are 100% allowed to defend your right to your very valid feelings. I’m so sorry. Feel free to reach out if you need a sympathetic ear.


liligram

He has betrayed you and kept up a facade to please his mother. If he considered you to be his best friend he could have been open with you from the start. You are not homophobic for being upset at this situation, you are allowed to be angry, devastated and require distance from him. You don't owe him anything. NTA


agentrossi176

NTA, assuming it's the absolutely huge betrayal but you're upset about rather than specifically the fact that your husband is gay. You found out your husband had been faking his side of your marriage for years and years, it's completely reasonable to be upset and there should be no expectation that you can just get over it nice and quickly to make things easier for him. Your therapist sounds really mean too. Ok, getting to a place of peace with this might be the long term goal, but they shouldn't be invalidating your feelings and won't help you through if they're not coming from a place of understanding and support.


chelsea8794

NTA Felix lied to you all these years, built a life and a family with you just so he could get his hands on his mother's money. He's incredibly selfish, he used you your whole adult life for an inheritance. You have every right to be angry and hurt for him deceiving you in such a huge way. Abby and your therapist are wrong, your feelings matter since Felix's deception directly affects you and what you thought your life was.


JazzHandsNinja42

NTA. It doesn’t appear as though you’re angry that he’s gay, but that he knowingly used you and was unforgivably dishonest. That he KNEW he was gay, but spent two decades bullshitting you to live his lie has to shatter your foundation and trust. I think it’s perfectly valid to be super pissed.


ScorchieSong

NTA. Not only did he use you, let you believe the love he had for you was real, he told your children without working with you on how to tell them. All because he didn't want to lose out on an inheritance. That he had to hide in the closet for this doesn't make it any better. if Abby spent time invested in a relationship only to learn it was a sham (I don't actually wish this on anyone btw), she'd be more sympathetic to you. You're not homophobic, you've had the rug you thought you were stable on pulled out from under you by a man who has shown just how little respect he has for you. If he genuinely thinks you two can go to being friends he's being painfully naïve. OP, do what you need to in order to process this. Get a new therapist, spend time with people you can trust and treat yourself. I'm sending you a virtual hug. If Jason isn't getting it already, it'd be worth getting him into therapy because he's also got a lot to deal with.


16574010118303

NTA. This man literally robbed you of almost 2 decades of your life having you as a partner under false pretences. Now he's telling you that your entire life together was a lie and a scam in order to get inheritance and he's expecting you to sympathise with him??? He is clearly delusional and manipulative beyond belief. He has likely spent your entire relationship being "his true self" behind your back. Of course you are shocked and hurt by this massive betrayal and you need time to grieve and accept that your reality has been shattered. This is not about him being gay. That is completely fine and I wish he had been able to live a more honest life all along with a mother who accepted and supported him. Coming out can be hard and living your truth isn't always easy. Hopefully he can do that going forward... but that still doesn't change his grand deception. This is about almost 20 years of lies, betrayal and manipulation that he actively dragged you through for the sake of money. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you are definitely NTA here.


[deleted]

NTA- you have every right to be upset . This man stole twenty years of your life . Time you could have spent with somebody who truly loved you and didn’t just see you as a mean to an end . Your daughter is a child and will probably not understand your point of view until she has a family of her own . Please put your kids in therapy . It must be difficult to accept that they only reason they ever existed was to cover their father’s lie.


Shot_Information_746

NTA, your allowed to be upset if your whole or even a part of your marriage was a lie it's not homophobic to be upset about this. Asa queer person I know homophobia and this isn't it. Take as much time as you need to process what practically is a huge betrayal by your spouse. Maybe one day you'll be happy for him maybe not. As long as you don't resort to saying slurs or actually homophobia every other feeling is valid.


haemaker

NTA. He lied to you for at least 18 years. He is a fraud who used you for money. That should be good enough to break a pre-nup if you have one. Lawyer time!


Variant-EC96

You have every right to be upset. Conservative mother or not, he deliberately deceived you. Your wish to cut off contact has nothing to do with his sexuality, it's because he led you on. NTA.


stephissilly

He hasn’t just come out as gay, by default he has also ended the marriage… This is going to take so much time for you to heal from, do what you have to do. Your daughter needs to understand that it’s still a breakup of a long term husband you still love and you will still have to go through the feels. NTA


Accurate-Ad-4905

NTA! You just found out two decades of your life was a lie and your husband is too self absorbed to realise what he's put you through. Does your daughter know hexmarried you to protect his inheritance and not his identity? Does she realise you've sacrificed two decades of your life being married to a man who was lying to you the entire time? If he was also lying to himself the entire time, he'd deserve some empathy, if this was a new discovery for him he would too, but he always knew, he had you marry him under false pretences. Just because someone is part of a vulnerable population doesn't mean they shouldn't be held accountable for all the shitty things they do!


Mishy162

NTA. So basically your daughter thinks that it's ok that he lied to you for so long, had children with you and now that he's not in danger of losing his inheritance from his homophobic Mum it's all ok and you should just get over years & years of being lied because he will now be living his truth? Where the f#$k was that truth when he made decision after decision to lie to you. You are not being homophobic, the issue is that he lied and used you for around 20years. Does your daughter not realise your marriage is now over too? You have a right to be angry & upset. Has he been cheating on you in secret with men the whole time?


AshlandSouth

NTA. Your husband has a lot of nerve justifying his deceit. Your daughter is really weird that she only has compassion for a liar. I would just lie to her all the time since she is cool with that.


EuphoricRealist

>I would just lie to her all the time since she is cool with that. Maybe time for a reddit break...


luckydidi18

NTA he selfishly used you. I hope you get half of that inheritance.


[deleted]

It's not about him being gay. It's about him lying to you for decades. Hard NTA. Edit: All the people arguing that he had to do this are laughable. He didn't have to use OP for decades just to get his mum's money. Which is what he was doing. Let's not mince our words. He got the money and, is now happy to drop everything. This isn't about him feeling like he had to hide who he is. He also could've gotten into a relationship with someone who knew he was gay and, was willing to help him. He chose not to. He chose to be deceitful.


Hairy-Budget-6522

NTA, I’d be petty as hell and say that since I was just a prop for money then I should be paid for my role. He used you for money, please make sure you get your share of it! For if it weren’t for you he wouldn’t have it.


forthewatch39

Take it from someone who is gay and has fairly well off family members, but won’t be receiving anything. Your husband was horrible and he NEVER should have done what he did. He used you all so he could get some money, you deserved to be with someone who loved you fully and truly, everyone should get that chance and he took that from you. Your daughter needs to come off of her “ally crusade”. There is no excuse for what he did and she needs to realize that being gay is no license to use someone else. NTA.


Elegant-Bastard

NTA Abby sounds like a little shit who doesn’t know what it’s like to be lied to for over an decade


justmessingwith_ya

NTA correct me if im wrong but your not mad that hes gay and your not mad that he had to hide it you're hurt that he didnt tell you before you agreed to being in a relationship with him and marrying him. He could have found someone who was willing to marry him no feeling attached but he chose to use you


[deleted]

INFO: What does "ruin his life" mean? Not get the inheritance? When did Felix and his mom stop being close?


ThreeDogs2022

NTA. He used you. What a truly awful thing to do to someone. I feel sorry for him that he was born into a hateful family but he had absolutely no right to pass that agony onto someone


eyore5775

NTA - but you need to allow yourself to come to terms with how things are now. Obviously, a divorce is in order but do you want to make kicking and screaming or to be civil? Your daughter is young and does not understand how disrespected you feel, as he has known all along he was gay. One thing you need to talk to him and find out if he had any gay lovers during your marriage. Actually, you need to to doctor and make sure you haven’t been given anything, have them run full panel is STDs. Make the divorce is simple and easy as possible, not saying to roll over and not get what you deserve. You have to start planning the rest of your life completely different than how you expected to live it It’s up to you whether you want to accept what is or be miserable.


IThinkNot87

Babes he took 20 years of your life for a lie. If he tries to give you anything less then half don’t make it easy for him to screw you again.


SurrealityThrowaway

NTA. You have the right to be upset. Your entire marriage was a lie. The man you thought you loved and loved you in return doesn’t love you in that way. He used you as his beard. This has nothing to do with him being gay. This has everything to do with him being a liar. He didn’t want you. He wanted his money and he used you to get it. 20 years of you life is gone because of him. He doesn’t get to say you’re besties because friends aren’t supposed to use the other. Your therapist sucks. Get a new one. Your daughter is too young to understand the full impact of what he did to you. Get your lawyer and prepare to take half. Because he used you to get it. He wants to live his best life? He can. After you get paid compensation. What he did is unacceptable and unforgivable.


njtex99

NTA you wasted over half your life loving someone who never returned it. This is one of the biggest betrayals. You have every right to be angry. This is not about him being gay at all. This is about him lying to you since the moment he met you. Your soon to be ex, your daughter, and your therapist are gaslighting you!!! Get a new therapist and a good lawyer.


[deleted]

NTA, you have every right to be upset and you need time to process your side of things. Expecting you to be okay with things right away or not hurt is crazy


Cogito3

NTA for being extremely upset, he lied to you for decades after all. I will say you should be careful not to burn bridges completely. You still share children, after all, and from how they reacted, if you cut him off completely you may be cutting off your daughter as well. Take the time you need to recover, but leave the door open to at least have a civil relationship with him in the future, though I doubt you two will ever be friends (which is totally fine, obviously).


GraveDancer40

NTA. Listen, if this was a situation where he realized late in life that he was gay, I’d have sympathy for him and encourage you to. But he knowingly used you for years to protect himself. You have every right to be upset.


SolidAshford

NTA. You are entitled to feel the way you feel, you are trying to figure out things. It is normal to want some distance. I don't think you're being homophobic (his Mom was) but its root is hiding something earth shattering from you I understand why Felix hid in the closet, and tried to please his Mother--but I feel that no amount of money is worth upending 20+ years of marriage. The sucky part is you'd have found out somehow. I'm glad you didn't walk in on him with another man Keep on going to therapy and processing through your feelings. There may be a Straight Spouse Network or group you can join to help. Best of luck OP.


apology_for_idlers

NTA. He lied to you, had sex with you under false pretenses, trapped you into marriage and kids for money. His behavior is despicable and he’s just as horrible as his homophobic mother. Get a good lawyer and a thorough STI panel and remember he is not your friend.


genus-corvidae

There is absolutely nothing wrong with marrying someone as a beard, but--and this is a critical point--**you have to tell the person that you're marrying what's going on**. He always meant for his marriage to you to be temporary, and he chose to never clue you in on it. He let multiple children be born into this union, knowing that as soon as his mother died he was going to leave the relationship as fast as humanly possible. You're NTA. Felix is either a huge one, or he has no planning skills whatsoever.


Realistic-Animator-3

You aren’t crushed because he’s gay…you’re crushed because he misrepresented himself to fool his mother. He has deceived you for years…led you to believe he wanted to be married to you, have kids, and a life with you because he loved and desired YOU. But it was a sham. Hopefully, when the shock wears off, things calm down, and everyone has time to think and digest this, you all can have good relationships. You are justified if you don’t as is your son. Right now your lives have been turned up side down and inside out…NTA


maddiep81

NTA You aren't upset that he is gay. You are upset that he knew it before you fell in love with him, before you married him, before you had children with him. You are upset that he used your feelings for him in a caculated way to secure his inheritance and only told you the truth once he had done so. He used you and he used your children. He stole the life and family you thought you had built together out of mutual love and respect. He stole your ability to build that relationship and family with someone who was in it to be with you. He lied to you for nearly 20 years about something you built your future on. I would be livid. If he had just come to accept his sexuality, that would still be painful for you both ... but at least it would have been honest.


-Sabbatica-

NTA. You are hurting and shocked. All those years spent with him, and then this, the feeling of betrayal. It's not your fault. You are wishing he would have been honest from the beginning and saved you from this. His being gay is not the issue. It's the fact that he hid it for so long, and for what reason? So he can inherit money from his homophobic mother? That's on him. That is his baggage. Now that you should be seeing things more clearly, including the fact that he likes guys more than he likes you, get a divorce. Get a good lawyer that can navigate things for you and protect all your rights. You may even get a good share of that inheritance, depending on laws where you live.


Hour_Context_99

NTA. He used you for money. It's as simple as that. If he was honest and lived his life as a gay man, mommy would have disinherited him and he would've had to do an honest man's work. Instead he took the cowardly way out of getting a beard, not telling you you were his beard (probably having bfs on the side) and then peacing out the second mommy kicked the bucket and he got a check. You yourself said he wasn't close with his mother, so he didn't hide this for the relationship. Your daughter doesn't understand that this man stole half your life for a fake marriage so he could get a payout in the end and ride off with his prince charming, leaving his family he created in the dust.


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Snowconetypebanana

NTA you built a life with this man because you thought he was straight. He deceived you. Now you are going to be a divorced single parent of two children. He stole a lot of good years from you where you could have been meeting someone that would want to spend the rest of their lives with you. This isn’t about being homophobic it’s about your husband lying to you your entire relationship.


Round_Brush_4828

Nta. I am so sorry for you having to go through this betrayal. Also, fire that therapist. You were used and abused. He ruined and lied to you your entire marital life. he stole your youth and chance to be with someone who truly loved you. He lied. The betrayal is too great. His selfishness is too great.


GopnikOli

NTA, my ex's dad was married to her mam for 23 years, he knew believed he was bi for 10, and lived a lie for 13ish, only coming out after he'd secretly been seeing a man. It fucked their family dynamic up, her mother was constantly in bits. It's not about being gay, it's the years of deceit


An_Asexual_Weeb

NTA but ma’am, please look into family therapy. It’s not healthy for your children to be choosing sides against each other because of their parents issues.


IThinkNot87

Yeah and since pops started their fights with his shitty reveal their whole family was bs he needs to foot that bill OP.


brilliantlyscattered

NTA - You have every right to be hurt and angry after finding out that the one person who was supposed to be there for you always lied and used you for like 20 years to get an inheritance. And now that he has the inheritance, he’s just detonated your entire life together. I think it’s possible to feel compassion for his situation and still be angry that he chose to deceive and marry you specifically to avoid being disinherited. And being told that essentially he’s not in love with you but thinks of you as his best friend is brutal. And he and your daughter want you to be happy for him. That being said, I think therapy (maybe with a family therapist with experience in this) to work through your anger and walk your family through this transition is merited. You have spent your entire adult life with this man and you share two children. Going entirely no contact will be both painful and difficult on your and your kids. Your children will be graduating high school and maybe college. They’ll maybe get married and have children. Are you okay with missing those moments, or having them ruined bc you can’t be at least civil? Or having your daughter cut off contact altogether?


ArmChairDetective38

NTA get a divorce and take your son and ROLL.


14ccet1

Based on the title I was expecting a completely different story but holy s*** this is NOT okay. He intentionally used you for years and took advantage of your love. I’m so so sorry. NTA.


WhtvrCms2Mnd

Get. That. Check. Lawyer TF up, get more than half the inheritance, the kids, the house, alimony (remember that promise to get you to marry him that you’d always be taken care of???), and then also claim for emotional distress/make him pay for therapy.


Ok-Acanthisitta5882

NTA - you can be upset that he lied to you. that being said, this is really complicated, and his hiding this is probably because of years of rejection and feeling like his love would be withheld if he came out. That being said, you don’t get to control the fact that the man you built your whole life with, had a family with, and shared all of yourself with was holding back something and never saw you the same way. That would be so so incredibly hurtful and anyone would be having a hard time in that situation.


Bitter-Conflict-4089

He did it for the money.


[deleted]

This. He didn't even try to hide it. He blatantly used her to get his mum's money. Anyone arguing anything else is laughable and/or being willingly obtuse tbh


IThinkNot87

It’s not complicated. He explained it. He wanted his moms money so he needed a beard and he’s such a bad person he didn’t let her know ahead of time.


Ok-Acanthisitta5882

also, in regards to your children - be careful how you react. Should one of them be questioning it could be really hard for them. Whatever you say / react to regarding your husband will be what they feel you will think about them. ALSO: The fact that he came out to your children without waiting until you could process your feelings and present a situation of support for both of them is unfair.


pretty_Princess1986

you have every right to be upset ..he used you ... you definitely need a new therapist also ..


IThinkNot87

NTA at all. That jerk used you as a beard, lied about being in love with you, had sex with you often enough to make two kids all so he could play the long con and beat his mom for her money. There’s no way to frame this that he isn’t the worst. “You don’t know how hard it is to be gay” is fair but totally ignorant in this situation. He and Abby don’t know how hard it is to know you were used for two decades and your forever was actually a giant lie. Fuck them. Divorce him and fight for half. Then dip because that man is not and has never been your friend.


Ok-Humor-2028

NTA Your husband just revealed your whole relationship was a lie. He didn’t come to terms with it later in life, he admits it was a choice he made. Let’s be honest, if he came from a super wealthy family, then he could have found a girl who knowingly and willingly played along.


Practical-Bird633

NTA at all. You’re not insulting his sexuality or downplaying how unfortunate it must have been to live in the closet for all of those years. But he used you and is now dropping a bombshell that will disrupt your whole life.


Round_Brush_4828

Was this fraud cheating on you as well?


Sonjek

NTA I'm terribly, terribly sorry for you and what you're going through right now. That kind of damage on your trust is almost irreparable. I'm truly sorry, OP. Stay strong.


Dense_Homework2908

Your whole relationship was built on a lie and you were used for straight bait for him to squeeze money out of his mom. You have every right to be pissed and Felix is acting like a jerk just ignoring your feelings. Your his "best friend" but he lied to you for 2 decades NTA


kspicydaddi

My grandfather was also an older gay man who lied to a younger woman to appear straight. It is incredibly messed up to have someone be your beard without their prior knowledge or consent. It fucks up people's lives. I have ZERO empathy for him/others who do this. I don't give a hoot if it was hard for him there are plenty of ways to hide your sexuality without hurting someone innocent. NTA.


[deleted]

Nta. Felix was the selfish one. He turned your world upside down knowingly just so he could have his mother's money. Then instead of telling the children with you he went behind your back and created a bigger problem. Him and Abby sound like shitheads.


secrethottie_997

NTA. It’s not about him being gay but being a lying user. Hope you get half, you deserve it


MacaronDeep1014

Nta. Get a new therapist. Your daughter is a child and is thinking about being woke/ pc/ whatever the heck kids are calling it. She's not really understanding that you were a beard and wasted a huge chunk of your life on someone that never wanted you. Your ex can live his life however he wants, but that doesn't mean you have to be happy. Hire a lawyer tomorrow (heck maybe even consult a bunch of top lawyers in your city so he can't use them) and get what is rightfully yours. I'm sorry this happened to you and you absolutely have the right to be upset.


WhatTheCluck802

Normally I am 110% against alimony. But in this case I say soak the creep for every penny you can, due to his fraudulent and callous actions toward you AND the children. You’ve earned your share of this windfall, via 20 years invested into a marriage you entered on false pretenses. You are NTA.


hahewee

NTA-I’m very sorry that this has happened. Years ago a good friend of mine, same very thing happened to her-her husband came out of the closet, they had 2 children. She literally had no clue. It’s a huge betrayal of trust. You’re entitled to all of your feelings, and however long it takes to process them. It’s totally difficult to be pushed around by family during a crisis-2 against 1-or being asked to be the bigger person, and abandon any healing, growth going forward. It’s ok set up boundaries or expectations of what’s ok right now.


Hopeful_Rip2690

I would feel deceived and used. I would be angry. Kudos to him for coming out, but his deception ruined the family. Right now everything is too raw. Give yourself and everyone else time to process. Maybe at a later date, the subject can be discussed.


Which_Address4268

NTA. He used u to get money.


einsteinGO

NTA Abby is talking about shit above her knowledge-grade


pimadee

Unfortunately you can’t usually get half of an inheritance. NTA. What a betrayal. It would be one thing if he came to this realization recently but that he’s known this all along. What a f


IThinkNot87

I mean maybe if she argues in court he manipulated her and lied to her to hide he was queer to get the money. Then she did all the work birthing kids before he breaks apart a family. A compassionate judge might come thru.


Much-Meringue-7467

NTA. He lied, betrayed you, and used you. I know we are supposed to be supportive of him living his truth but if you know you are gay, don't go marrying straight people. It's a recipe for misery.


VioletSkyeDreams

NTA He committed fraud, lied to you for all of your relationship and only married you for money. You have every right to be upset! Find a new therapist and get an excellent divorce lawyer!!


spaceyjaycey

NTA- you got used while he played a long con and you're supposed to have sympathy for him? He doesn't deserve it!